#feel free to tell me about your experiences with the condition if you have bpd

[caffeinatedopossum]

I'm starting to feel like bpd is actually just what happens when there's an overlap between adhd, ptsd, and depression- which I think is much more common than physciatrists think

I have a lot of theories but also like I need to do way more research on this before assuming things because I know this is already a greatly stigmatized disorder and I don't want to erase anyone's experiences or make it worse.

[extreme-dyke-syndrome]

hey there I’m so sorry if this is out of line but I’m wondering if you have any posts about your mental health experiences? thinking I have some similar conditions to what you’ve talked about and I’d really just love to see what you have to say

I'M SO SORRY I LITERALLY JUST SAW THIS!

TW: psych wards, medication, BPD stigma, medication, general factors that come along with Rough Mental Health

I've been receiving mental health diagnoses since I was 11, if you don't count an ADHD diagnosis at 5. At 11, I was diagnosed with GAD (anxiety) and MDD (depression), and two different psych ward stays at 16 led to diagnoses of BPD and Bipolar II. My life has DEFINITELY been an uphill battle against all of these things, but finally getting started on mood stabilizers definitely helped, even if they weren't the right ones right away. BPD is by FAR the hardest diagnosis I deal with, and it was NOT made easier by virtue of me being in denial after looking up symptoms on Google at 16 and finding "symptoms: you're a bad person." It took until I was 19, to come to terms with my BPD diagnosis. Since then, I've still had some really damaging episodes, but I've also made a lot of progress! I'm really proud of that, even though I still struggle with it every day. Given that I was being traumatized pretty consistently until I was 22, I couldn't tell you when the CPTSD was finally recognized, but that's also in there somewhere. I also have what I consider a more isolated trauma that caused me PTSD as of 2020, and unfortunately really still need to unpack that one.

After 4 psych ward stays, lots of therapy, a ton of reflection, finding better people/more stability, and several medication changes, I think I'm making a ton of progress compared to where I was almost a decade ago. That being said, it's a pretty constant experience of being misunderstood by strangers and doctors, not being taken seriously, and unlearning two decades of trauma, so it is NOT easy. Fighting against society while also fighting a constant war in your head kind of sucks, but I'm doing it. If you want more details or have any more specific questions, feel free to message me. This was kind of a very vague and general rundown, but I'm happy to talk more about it!

ETA: My journey with autism is its own extensive thing, but if you can't tell, I have that too!

[thestobingirlie]

I love reading fics where Steve is disabled, be it hard of hearing, seizures, chronic migraines, like he's had too many concussions not to have any issues from it. (I think its because I have a neurological disability and Steve is my comfort character, so projecting.)

But something that really gives me the ick is I've noticed a lot more ST fic recently have been handling disabled characters in a really ableist way (100% not all, just noticed more) and quite often they're just infantilising the disabled characters. I've noticed this the most when Steve is disabled, because I mostly read Steve-centric fics, but I have also noticed it with Robin and Eddie.

I've been seeing a lot of other characters addressing Steve and Robin as if they were toddlers when they are written as disabled, in ways that no adult should speak to anyone who is over the age of 5. Especially when Steve is written in a post-seizure state, or Robin is having a panic attack. Like, they might not be fully aware, but they are not children.

Sometimes, its other characters treating Steve as if he is incapable of doing anything on his own if he is disabled. As if the only things he can do without constant supervision is lie in bed or sit on a couch and watch tv. I saw one fic where others scolded him for getting out of bed to go to the bathroom without asking for help, and it wasn't as if he was recently injured or fresh out of a seizure, he was in pretty good health aside from being at risk of seizures.

With Robin, I've seen her written as if she needs to be treated like a fragile 2 year old otherwise she is in a constant state of panic attack and is always totally useless, and I've seen people use this sort of attitude to write her out of the high stress situations. Or she will just always go off on unrelated tangents so she isn't useful because she interrupts the people who know what they're talking about. Or she's written as if her rambling is a liability and she can't be trusted because if she got caught she'd 100% tell the bad guys everything.

And with Eddie I've noticed some people who write him as autistic (I love autistic and ADHD Eddie) seem to have him just constantly biting people like he is a nonverbal three-year-old who has figured out that their easiest way to communicate is by using their teeth. And it always with the attitude "it doesn't matter if he hurts people by biting them because it is his method of self-regulating."

(And no, I do NOT accept the billy stans who claim that it is ableist to talk about the bad things he's done. like, no that man is not canonically disabled (I've seen billy stans say he is canonically bipolar or has bpd? Like no.), he is canonically racist and abusive. even if he was canonically disabled that isn't an excuse for his behavior. also, I know people that have bipolar or bpd, and they arent racist and abusive. in fact they are some of the most careful people about what they can control of their behavior because they are worried about becoming abusive to their loved ones).

sorry this is really disjointed and probably doesn't make much sense but I just needed to get it off my chest. and I just love your blog!

and i love you, random tumblr user! but yeah, always feel free to just drop thoughts into my inbox, i’ll try and sort through them lmao

i enjoy reading fics where steve’s injuries have repercussions too. though it definitely isn’t always written well.

i think because the duffers ignore his injuries so much, people kinda go into hyperdrive and over-acknowledge them, almost. i think it also comes from wanting steve to be as angsty as possible, which means people don’t treat his disability’s very… nicely? they usually just use his conditions to ruin his life and make him miserable, and infantilise him, like you said.

i honestly think people just know fuck all about seizures, and cannot be bothered to look it up, but still want steve to experience them so they can make him as sad and depressed as possible.

they see seizures as this, like, life-ending condition, and so use them to kinda destroy steve’s life.

i think a lot of people also use his disabilities to get steve cared for, because we all want people to take care of the poor boy. but again, they just over-do it, and make it seem like he’s a little baby that can’t do anything.

i honestly don’t think most of these people are doing this from a place of harm. i think they honestly want to depict steve experiencing these things and being comforted etc. they’re just kinda ignorant.

i am very lucky that i haven’t seen fics that treat robin like that, because i honestly think i’d explode lol.

and yeah, the biting thing was kinda funny at first, and then it got kinda weird… people just see a fandom joke and do what fandoms always do, which is drag it out, and make it so extreme it’s barely recognisable as the original idea.

(yeah, with no character should you excuse their actions with a mental illness. like, billy’s abuse explains why he is the way he is, but it doesn’t excuse it. even when you have a mental illness you can’t just use that as an excuse to treat people like crap, and they’re entitled to call you out for doing so.)

[ereemos]

my not-so-comprehensive list (very personal 3am opinion) on books about how to deal with someone with bpd (i’m sure this is applicable to other conditions)

it’s very difficult to deal with a mentally ill oved one, and no matter how much suffering they’re in, the pain it causes those around them is not to be discounted.

this pain can stem from not understanding certain behaviours, fear for their loved one’s wellbeing, seeing someone act violently towards others or themselves, powerlessness, etc.

i whole heartedly believe that these people deserve support too, and that their experience is valid and important to verbalise.

either way, sometimes this can be taken to the extreme, where the person suffering for their loved one starts feeling like “the real victim” and this creates extra stigma, this post being about bpd, an already incredibly stigmatised disorder (both in and out of the medical community).

how do i support my loved one with bpd, or find resources to help myself get through this situation, or understand my loved one better, without falling for evil-bpd-manipulator-woman-propaganda?

look no further! i’ve read enough bpd self help book for loved ones, to be able to tell you what to look out for. i’m sure there’s good ones out there, haven’t seen a single one though ! hah! (only because my mum buys them btw, i promise they exist)

WHAT TO LOOK OUT FOR … in a shitty book

- “most cases of bpd are caused by childhood trauma, but not your child, you are a good parent” books that use this sort of language seem more like they’re trying to reassure someone who is, most likely, a contributing factor to their child’s bpd

when the book is more about self help than it is about therapy… any book framed as self help, i’d stray from. you are not qualified to talk about bpd in this setting.

when the actual victim seems to be treated as an abuser, or written about like an annoying ex who won’t stop texting you, miiight be a sign someone doesn’t care about how people are treated, just wants to make their readers like they need a cuddle.

when they start talking about wanting to expand bpd criteria and diagnosing bpd in minors - why are you talking about this in a self help book - you’re spreading medical misinformation by mixing official diagnostic criteria with your own personal (BIASED) theories, seems like every patient you don’t like has bpd…

w hen the main “how to help a bpd sufferer” is just “give up on trying to help them, they’ll never amount to anything, think about yourself” HUH

too much personal judgement . you’re writing about a disorder .

look at the authors bibliography! are they self help authors who have written nothing other than “how to leave your ex boyfriend behind” “how to be happy in 10 steps” or maybe actual doctors whose mainstream published works include “how my bpd wife ruined my life” “the real victims of bpd” etc???

personal pet peeve, but people talk about bpd patients as only being women. rubs me the wrong way, especially, with the bod/hysteria parallels.

emphasis on either fixing the patient or cutting ties with them/ letting them live an unfulfilling life “because that’s just how they are”

(tl;dr keep away from self help books, as a society we have moved past the need of self help book-capitalism--self-affirming-pseudo therapy)

RESOURCES TO HELP YOURSELF OR A LOVED ONE WITH BPD

DBT !!! there’s so many free resources out there, exercises, pdfs etc, its really worth looking into!

research BPD on your own, looking at multiple sources, both medical and personal experiences, and remember that if you’ve been abused by someone with a cluster b personality disorder, that doesn’t make everyone with the same illness a monster

readings that emphasise on how to deal with situations (still, DBT is useful for this), how to de-escalate a meltdown by behaving empathetically, protecting your peace and your loved one’s, rather than trying to “fix” them.

it is important to hold people accountable for their actions: people with bpd are people, not just victims. Having tough conversations w sufferers can be hard. consider contacting an actual therapist, when things are too much to handle.

there is no shame in going no contact if the person is genuinely abusive, or dealing w them is beyond your abilities. you are not their psychiatrist.

keep in mind that psychology and psychiatry and constantly evolving, and what is a diagnosis today may be laughable in 10 years time ! (just look at the history of bpd)

this post was specifically written for my mother but i just had to put it out there i hate self help books i hate them it’s so much worse than telling me “have you tried yoga?” because yoga actually helps, unlike self help books, which are making psychology and mental illness a big soup of buzzwords to pick out and capitalise on! hmm what will it be today? narcissistic abuse? how to handle your autistic child? soooo sick and tired . stop making money off of me. give me money if you want but stop exploiting disordered individuals.

thanks for reading, sorry for the long post/ramble, it’s 3am

[psychoticallytrans]

Hi I know I don't know you and you don't know me but I want to say thank you. This blog helps a lot, especially because I often feel like I have to hide the "worse" symptoms of my mental illnesses.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it's so incredibly misunderstood. People tend to label us automatically as abusers and simply don't understand the illness. For the longest time I was really ashamed of my first (and so far only) psychotic episode because I DIDN'T THINK I HAD A PSYCHOTIC DISORDER and because I heard how everyone acted like if you're psychotic you're unstable and violent and dangerous. I had really dangerous delusions and was having both auditory hallucinations and visual ones, I would hear screaming like someone was being murdered in the street and I would sprint outside thinking someone needed help, like into traffic looking for them, only for the street to be completely empty and my parents would tell me they didn't hear it. I was really scared and didn't know what was happening until I was 21, and finally learned the the Borderline in BPD refers to the condition "bordering" on a psychotic disorder and a neurotic disorder.

This is all to say, your blog means that there are other people like me and I'm not "crazy" because I've been so afraid to tell ANYONE other than my mother and my partner about that episode that was brought on by stress.

I do know you, a little bit. I've seen you through other transmasc bloggers, and I've seen some of what you went through. I have compassion for you. If you ever want to message me, please feel free.

From what I've read and heard about borderline personality disorder, from sources by people with BPD, it seems incredibly stressful. I am amazed by the strength of character of my friends with it. I'll never know exactly what it's like, but I know that you're people, and that abuse is always a choice, never a pathology or a diagnosis. I didn't know that it's called that because it borders on a psychotic disorder. That's new and interesting information to me.

I also want to tell you that from what I have read... there's a lot of overlap with PTSD. One of my friends with it calls it "relationship PTSD" If you haven't already, I'd like to gently recommend looking into cPTSD and coping strategies. You might find more help with managing your symptoms than you think.

Psychotic episodes are terrifying. One thing that helps a lot of people with visual or auditory hallucinations is their smartphones. If you can't see something when you look in your camera, or can't hear it in a recording you make with your phone, then it's most likely a hallucination. It's not a foolproof solution, and won't make the hallucination go away, but it helps a lot.

I'm not surprised it was caused by stress. It's a common enough trigger that even people with no known disorders will experience psychosis when under sufficient stress. We just have... a lower threshold. Please make sure to care for yourself.

I personally consider myself a crazy person. I don't think that's a bad thing, or that it diminishes my worth, or the worth of my opinions or experiences. I understand that not everyone reclaims it. It's a word that's been used against us, to smear us, and it carries a lot of pain. I find power in it. Other people don't. Either way, you're welcome here. I'm glad you found us.

[missmentelle]

Would you say it's the same thing for ADHD? I was diagnosed as having 'traits of adhd' a few years back and always assumed it was more a reflection of the fact that i was diagnosed by a med student not being supervised who made some significant errors in the way she tested me as well as omitting what I thought were some significant observations from her writeup, but I've been wondering lately whether I am actually ADHD or not

It’s the same for all disorders - if a diagnosing professional wrote down on a psychology report that you have “traits of” a mental disorder, it means that they felt you did not meet the criteria for a full diagnosis at that time, most likely for one of five reasons:

You didn’t have enough symptoms to meet the minimum required for the diagnosis, or you were missing a key symptom that is required to make that diagnosis.

Your symptoms are not severe enough to warrant a diagnosis; they do not cause significant disruption or impairment in your daily life. 

Your symptoms only occur in one specific context (eg. you have symptoms at school, but not at home, work or with friends), or your symptoms are a side effect of medication or intoxication. 

Your symptoms have not been going on long enough to meet the criteria for the diagnosis, they don’t occur frequently enough to make the diagnosis, you have long symptom-free periods that negate the diagnosis, or your symptoms did not appear at an age consistent with the onset of that diagnosis.

You sort of meet the criteria for the diagnosis, but there is a different diagnosis that does a much better job of explaining your symptoms (this is sometimes listed as a “differential diagnosis”, rather than “traits of X”).

A report stating that a person has “traits of” a certain disorder or “features of” a disorder is actually extremely common. I’ve probably read more than thousand psych reports at this point in my career, and it’s quite normal for phrasing like that to appear on them. Usually, this is actually a sign that the person is being rather thorough - they are noting that they considered ADHD as a possible diagnosis but ultimately could not make the diagnosis for some reason or other. As I said, other reports may format this differently, and include a list of “differential diagnoses” in the conclusion - this is a list of diagnoses that they considered but ultimately ruled out for one reason or another. 

Unfortunately, learning that you have “traits” of a disorder doesn’t really tell us much, especially without seeing the full psych report. Maybe you didn’t have ADHD then, but you have since developed it. Maybe you don’t have it and never did. Maybe you have some other sort of executive dysfunction or disorder that explains your symptoms, but it was missed the last time around. Maybe a diagnosis of ADHD was warranted back then, and still is. Maybe you only have ADHD symptoms in a specific context, which would make you ineligible for diagnosis but suggests there is something going on that needs to be addressed. I don’t know enough about your case to know for sure. All that I know is that the only way to be sure if you have ADHD - or any other mental disorder that you may be concerned about - is to seek a second opinion and get another assessment done. 

(I’m going to give some clarification about what having “traits of” a disorder means for other readers who may have similar questions. You should know, though, that ADHD is actually slightly different than other disorders like BPD that you may have “traits of” - ADHD is a neurological condition that responds to medication, and if you are given ADHD medication when you don’t actually have ADHD, you are going to notice pretty quickly that you’ve been misdiagnosed. If you calm down and get more sleep while taking what is effectively speed, you can be pretty sure that ADHD is the correct diagnosis for you. People with other disorders like depression, agoraphobia, PTSD and BPD don’t have the same kind of litmus test available for their diagnosis.)

It’s important to remember that everyone has traits of at least one diagnosable disorder - most people will have traits of several. Some people are more easily distractible than others, some people have more trouble sleeping, some people are naturally low-energy or feel more intense emotions. If you browse through a copy of the DSM-V, you are going to find some stuff in there that sounds like it applies to you. Nobody has perfect mental health, especially in their teens and early 20s. But most people do not meet the criteria for the diagnosis of a mental disorder.

This is where we have to think critically about what a diagnosis actually is, why we do it, and what it actually means. Diagnosing a psychological disorder is not like diagnosing a medical disorder, where we can do some blood tests and scans and know exactly what a person has. Psychological diagnoses are always subjective, to some extent - we made categories to describe common clusters of behaviours and symptoms, and we decided where to draw the line between “someone who is just quirky” and “someone who needs formal psychological treatment”. Where exactly we draw that line has always been the subject of debate. 

We could make it so that everyone who has any sort of mental health flaw at all gets diagnosed with a disorder, but that sort of defeats the point of diagnosis - if almost everyone on earth has a diagnosis, then a diagnosis effectively becomes meaningless. There’s no longer meaningful distinction between “someone with an overactive imagination” and “someone with treatment-resistant psychosis” - it all just gets slapped with the same diagnosis. It can also lead us to “medicalize” behaviours that might not need to be “medicalized”. After all, if we diagnose someone, we need to do something about that diagnosis. Diagnosing them means we’ve identified that they need some sort of treatment or intervention. But do all quirks in human behavior really need to be ironed out with treatment? Do we really want to build a world where everyone who falls outside a very rigid definition of mental health gets told that they have something wrong with them? Likewise, if we make diagnosis too restrictive, that’s not good either. Now we have the opposite problem - if we make the criteria for a diagnosis too strict and too narrow, we miss people who might seriously benefit from having treatment. If we say “you need to be severely suicidal before we can diagnose you with depression”, we’re going to overlook a lot of non-suicidal people whose depressive symptoms are ruining their lives, and who could be treated if we just recognized them as depressed. If we are only diagnosing and helping the most severe of the severe cases, we aren’t really making good use of the tools available to us and diagnosis once again becomes basically meaningless, because not having one is no longer a good indicator of whether or not you need help. 

Diagnosis is a balancing act, and there are a lot of people who fall in kind of a grey area where it’s not totally clear if we should be diagnosing them or not. People are complicated, and they rarely fit neatly into categories. If we have a twenty-year-old girl who experiments with drugs, has a lot of short-term and casual dating relationships that end poorly, struggles to make and keep friends, and doesn’t really have a stable sense of who she is and what she wants, does she have BPD? Or is she just a normal 20-year-old? How would we decide? If we diagnose her, we might be pathologizing behaviour that isn’t really all that unusual for her age group, and making her feel like she’s defective for struggling with things that are pretty normal for someone her age to be struggling with; diagnosing her could make her believe that she’s incapable of healthy relationships, which could become a self-fulfilling prophecy. On the other hand, if we don’t diagnose her, we could be missing the fact that she does actually have a fairly serious disorder, and depriving her of the chance to get life-changing treatment that might help her develop the healthier, more fulfilling relationships that she has been missing out on. We could be leaving her to deal with her destructive behaviours on her own, without having any of the language or tools she needs to disrupt those patterns. 

If you’ve been assessed by a mental health professional and you have questions about how they reached the conclusions they did, I encourage you to ask questions and have an open conversation about your symptoms, possible treatments and needs. If you don’t feel that they have a good understanding of your case, I highly encourage you to get a second opinion on your diagnosis from another professional. Whenever possible, seek a diagnosis from someone who specializes in mental health - this should be a psychologist or psychiatrist (or in some cases, a neurologist), and not a general practitioner or family doctor (some family doctors can diagnose and treat basic depression, but even then, you should seek a referral to a specialist for further treatment and assessment). Also remember that diagnosis does not have to be a barrier to seeking therapy - anyone can get therapy, even if they do not meet the criteria for a psychological diagnosis, and everyone can benefit from seeking out a therapist to improve their coping skills, social skills, and general mental health.  Hope this answers your question! MM

[beautifulphoenixdoll]

CENTER OF HOPE

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I am ashamed to say that, and I shouldn’t be. I never judge anyone else or anyone else’s diagnosis. I did not ask for this condition. But I have it, like several millions who have mental health illnesses. For the first time in the history of the human species Mental Health is being discussed amongst each other openly in much more public avenues. That being said, I feel it is my due diligence to use my voice, and share what it has been like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder. Imagine a blister, fragile to the touch, prone to infection, with just a thin layer of skin protecting your insides from being exposed to collecting dirt or other bacteria that cause a fatal infection if untreated. A borderline female is a beautiful and chaotic thing. On one hand we tend to be the most loving, creative, sensitive, thoughtful, and compassionate beings. On the other we have spent our lives taking in messages and our surroundings and using them against ourselves, feeling controlled by our emotions, afraid of our own brains and the places our thoughts can lead us to. A common thread is that we mostly we have spent our lives in SO much pain. Pain that I would not wish on my worst enemy. Pain that a razor or blade soothe, for a blades sharp edge doesn’t even come close to how we are feeling inside but is sharp enough to distract us from the pain within. We are known to seek attention at any cost. Starving ourselves, or overeating. Whether its selling our bodies, offering our bodies, or treating our own like nothing more then a sexual object we seek the comfort of someone elses to let us know we are alright, that we are indeed desired, that we can be “loved”. Because we hate the skin were in. Because having someone’s hand on us even if it is just for a night means we don’t have to be alone.  Being Alone is the scariest place to be. Alone the pain is magnified and something that would rub a non bpd the wrong way could make us feel like we want to end it all and just die. We convince ourselves that living—living is just too hard, and that this pain…. This all consuming pain that cripples us physically, emotionally, spiritually—I  mean all around-- will never end. There are times where we see clearly. Those are the times we are happy to be alive. We get another day to enjoy the sun that beams brightly on our faces—you can see when were happy, when we are in love, when we believe in something positive and strongly—you will never question how we feel—for we cannot hide it… we are open souls and we are open hearted and the least judgemental creatures that are seeking to be understood while trying to understand our own sense of self. That is where Borderline Personality gets tricky--- especially young borderlines because our brains, sense of time, and worldly knowledge are still so far from being fully developed. Not only do we have a lot to learn but we have to learn it while our brain is on fire. And that is the thing—I Spent most of my life fighting my BPD symptoms on top of just trying to have a life, go to school, make friends, be a good daughter and sister, and girlfriend… and it was all just too much to take on. A simple task became the end of the world for me--- no one would ask someone to stitch up a hole on the back of their jeans while they were stuck in their house that was on fire surrounded by flames… they would tell them to get out. And that is how I felt—entitled to get out, in any way, any shape, or form… I just had to get out of my brain.  But in the moment how do you explain that to someone who doesn’t understand that sewing up a hole with needle and thread pushes you off the edge? And that was what it was like when I was emotionally dysregulated. I was and can be a DANGER to myself. I wouldn’t harm a fly-a rat-a mouse, but I am the most LETHAL when it comes to myself, and myself only. Some of us break things, I did. But only to demonstrate the rage that built up inside of me. Only to show people that inside I am indeed hurting to this amount. The desire to be understood, or for someone to tell us that they too feel similarly—is so needed and helpful in the most profound way. I say this because without meeting the wonderful human beings I have met in treatment facilities suffering from BPD or other mental health diagnosis—all with gifts and challenges and a battle to fight of their own-- I would never EVER have the courage to come forward and share my experience.

It is in breaking my anonymity that I want to share with everyone that suffers with a mental health diagnosis that you are not alone. That you have nothing to be ashamed of, and that you can have a healthy and productive life with a recovery plan. Mental Health Treatment is much like attending AA—you need a DAILY reprieve to battle your condition. Without a treatment plan, without the proper and continuous and regimented medication (if needed), therapy, support system, and schedule you will have a much rougher time combating whatever youre facing. Not only is mental health a booming topic of discussion but the field itself is growing in ways that are remarkable. I spent so long fighting my diagnosis, fighting the treatment, fighting taking medication, fighting was recommended because I did not want to have my diagnosis. I did not want to believe I was in a category of people that needed pills to function normally—but how many people take medication every day to make sure their bones stay strong, or help with their lactose intolerant problems?

Everyday I wake up and re commit to another day of making sure my mental health is my number one priority—and the first thing I do is reminding myself that I ACCEPT myself for everything that I am. That I am not my diagnosis but that I indeed have Borderline. With practice and effort the things that once seemed so heavy no longer are, but only because I have been attending a diagnostic program where I have been able to set up a structured schedule that I will maintain after leaving. I noticed that If I sleep at the same time and wake at the same time, I am a different person. I noticed that with daily physical exercise even if it means walking for an hour I feel much better about myself and my body stays energized. Meditation is so crucial. As long as I meditate once a day in the morning my entire day tends to go positively. I have become a huge fan of DBT. I was not always a fan- especially as an adolescent --- oh how against it I once was… The workbook and concepts that were (this is putting it lightly) mundane, boring, and militant are what my mind craves. I love the structure-I love what it has given back to me.

The young girl who was so terrified of herself and her own brain knows that feelings are just feelings—I mean I always understood that saying but I never had any control of my own feelings—I was a runner. You couldn’t get me to sit still, or spend an evening alone with having a complete meltdown EVER. I am so strong now that I laugh at that—I laugh because I am free. I am smiling as I write this because I know that I have the skills to face things, have done so here at lidner. I smashed the fear of having to sit through things, to get through things on my own that used to CONSUME me WHOLE—and now do it happily because that means that I AM in control not the other way around. Lindner and DBT has given me, myself back. There is not a better gift once can receive after being lost for so long.  I keep thinking gosh I want to share it with everyone—I feel like ive been given this secret remedy--- so I have never been more excited to start my life, to give back, to try and help others who are still struggling  battling themselves, their brains, their emotions this wonderful tool that not only has saved my life but has also given me myself back.

Can I say it again: I am in control of my emotions- I can sit with them- I can stay self regulated- I can challenge my thoughts and not be afraid- I handle crisis’ without making things worse and I definitely without a doubt have more better days then bad ones. Who would have ever thought this would happen? It surely feels like a dream, but its happened since January 7th 2021—and it will continue to happen because Ive been given the key, and its not going anywhere else except for in my daily routine.

[textsfromtheborderline]

Hey, so I sent something before but I don't think it got through. From what I've read BPD people experience depersonalization, and for a long time I was diagnosed by one doctor with BPD because my Depersonalization can cause me to have the urge to self harm (I'm rediagnosed). I guess what I'm wondering is how do doctors tell the difference? Did my BPD get better but my disassociative stuff remain or was I always misdiagnosed? How are BPD and DPDR similar and different?

There is a chance that you had been originally misdiagnosed. We talk a little about dissociation and how it relates to BPD here. I think another post of ours that may be helpful is That BPD Feeling When You Feel So Much You Don’t Feel Anything At All. I know when I dissociate, a lot of times it comes from over-stimulated emotions that I find myself needing to block out in order to be okay.

Dissociation is a big part of BPD (though you don’t need to experience it to be diagnosed), and many of us experience it. DPDR, to put it simply, is when you solely experience depersonalization or derealization (or both) without all the other aspects of BPD or other mental health conditions which may cause dissociative states.

DPDR and BPD are often comorbid, though, so there is a chance that you have both! Unless you’ve been reevaluated recently and your doctor concluded that you don’t have BPD, it’s something worth looking into.

And yes, self harm does often come with BPD, but not always, and it doesn’t always come with DPDR either. It’s just a coping mechanism that some people pick up (and obviously isn’t healthy, but I know it can be hard to replace it with something better for you). 

This is a really good article that goes into a ton of detail about DPDR, and I hope it can answer more of your questions than I have, because, again, I’m not really an expert on the subject. Please feel free to message again, though, if you want to talk about this more!

-Sydney

[lostgirlsclub]

Bpd and me

Everyone has a fight or flight, but for some that’s everyday. The fight of anxiety and depression, that horrible gut feeling at the bottom of your stomach, you know the one. These are normal feelings but when it’s your daily life it takes over. That feeling is more normal to you than actually feeling normal. It gets to a point where you question what a good day feels like. Where sitting in the darkness of your room with nothing but blue light exposure from your devices. Where your bed is your bestfriend. Warm, cosy and most importantly safe. Drowning yourself in your thoughts. There is nothing wrong with this! Just don’t stay there to long.

I found out a few years ago that I had BPD. For those that don’t know, BPD Is Borderline personality disorder( what a rubbish name they could have thought of something nicer!) anyway, this is a condition that affects how you think, feel and interact with other people. I knew I was different, I knew the way I thought was not like my friends. I knew that in certain situations I didn’t just know how people were feeling, I could physically feel how people were feeling. In my mind I consider myself an emotional sponge and my brain takes on things that aren’t even mine. When I first found out part of me was relieved but at the same time I was gutted. I didn’t to be tarnished with the brush of mental health but equally I knew what was wrong and I would start trying to heal.

Having BPD I find that I would get “triggered’ and my feelings would be out of my control. The lows would feel so unbelievably low and the highs where Capsulatingly freeing. I could switch between theses feelings in a mixture of minutes, hours or days. My brain wasn’t allowing me to decide. That’s the really annoying part.

The word trigger can mean many things to many people. Everyone’s are different depending on your story and the chapters of your life. Your personal experience.

Being ‘triggered’ can be a flick of a switch experience, it can come from anywhere and nowhere. A comment from a co-worker, a bitchy look from a stranger, anything really. What I have learned in 27 years on this floating Rock is that triggers arnt always bad. For example my grandad had a smell. A smell that was unique to him a recipe of essential oils that only he knew the combination. Some times I smell him in the most random places. That smell can put me in a temporary Time Machine of when I was a child looking up and my grandad with innocence and pure love, as children do. I made the decision that as much as I miss them every day I can’t change it. It’s completely out of my control but I needed to live my life. He would have wanted that for me. Even 12 years on he is still in the for front of my thoughts. Any decision I made I would think of him. What I’m trying to say is I took my pain and grief and made it positive. He is always around me even if he’s not physically here, his memory will always live through his loved ones.

Some triggers can’t just be switched off, but I think that rule number one of healing those triggers is knowing what actually sets you off. Write notes on your phone or keep a diary or journal just something to keep track. Is there any patterns ? Do you get set off around particular people or places? Once you know roughly what is hurting you work with that! Because it’s a great start! Go the long way round if a place upsets you. Remove yourself from situations and in some cases people. Make boundaries, you are allowed! Don’t let others bring down. If you tell them your boundaries and they don’t like it then they were taking advantage of your boundaries from the start! You cant heal in a place that broke you hun. So put your self first, because girl you deserve it.

Having BPD can sometimes make you think you don’t know who you are. Where everything you have ever known about yourself is now blurry and confusing. What do I like ? What am I doing with my life? WHO AM I !?! These questions have kept me up at night. It’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t know how it feels that when you look in the mirror a stranger is looking back at you. This feeling of lack of self can really affect someone’s psyche and self-worth.

My advice is. You do know who you are. Deep down you do. Even if that person seems to be gone they are always there. Remember who you are because there is only one you! And you are worthy and loved. like dory once said “Just keep swimming” look after your self and be kind to yourself. This world can be tough and through us come curve balls, but you got this. Keep your head up. You deserve to be happy.

[detective-columbo]

Here’s the ask that was sent to me over pinkuboa.  Here’s the post that this was in response to.  The entire ask & my response is under the cut.

(1/?)i admire you a lot but the post you reblogged from baku about how the mental illness community here isn't recovery-focused enough was really bad! it's absolutely a good idea to pursue appropriate treatment for your mental illness, but memes and venting don't mean you're not actually trying to seek appropriate treatment! (also: access to treatment can vary, and the specifics of people's conditions do, too.)

there are a lot of things that the mental illness community here could stand to do (2/?)better, but for many people it's basically the only place where they're free to express "ugly" emotions about life as a mentally ill person. also, it's really important to make sure we don't make it a moral/social obligation to be Recovering Enough (rather than just a good idea because treatment improves quality of life), because what that actually does is make it an obligation to LOOK like you're Recovering Enough, and that leads to people prioritizing the appearance of healthiness over (3/3) what's actually healthy for them. a protestant work ethic about mental health is really not what we need, and removing that obligation is one of the few things tumblr does right.

I understand your concerns, but I think you missed the point of the original post. 

it's absolutely a good idea to pursue appropriate treatment for your mental illness, but memes and venting don't mean you're not actually trying to seek appropriate treatment!

The phrase they demonstrated in the original post is as follows:

there’s a weird culture on this site where nothing but misinformation is spread and text posts like ‘that bpd feel when you listen to the same song over and over’ get thousands of notes without a single person questioning it

Listening to the same song over and over again isn’t a unique thing to bpd.  Several of my friends and I do it without being diagnosed with bpd.  I’m sure that you get that listening to the same song over and over again isn’t bpd, but some people don’t realize it isn’t a unique thing for those with borderline personality disorder, and might take it as a sign that they might have bpd without a second though since they’re going through a rough patch in their life (when it could just be a mental illness like depression or just a rough patch rather than a personality disorder). 

That, combined with several other post that associate various traits with “that bpd feel” that can be felt by anyone without the personality disorder could lead to someone misdiagnoising themselves.  This may lead to the person treating themselves for a disorder they don’t have or accidentally spreading more misinformation about the disease.  I remember a post where someone made a list of “remember, not all BPD have...” and rattled off all the symptoms of BPD that, you know, qualify someone for BPD.  Someone else pointed this out (I think they had it themselves) and chastised them for spreading false information.  I wish I could find that post right now :c

They could also mean questioning it by saying “No one says ‘hey are you ok?’“ or asking if they’re doing alright.  The context is a bit unclear, but both ways could work.

Another meme that was talked about in the original post was this:

 phrases such as ‘we cant all be neurotypical karen’ become more popular than ‘even if there is no cure, there is always treatment’, and when actually mentally ill people share coping mechanisms, they’re accused of being neurotypical.

The poster wasn’t against venting, they were against the knee-jerk reactions to certain suggestions like “It’s a good idea to go get some exercise every day” (since it’s proven to help).  The meme "we cant all be neurotypical karen” can be a dismissive phrase towards positive suggestions like that. 

The post wasn’t saying no to venting.  It was saying no to experiences like this (content warning: self harm, blood, and anorexia) and communities who only spread negativity rather than a balance of venting and encouraging.  That, and dumb asethetics like this who make mental illness and mental disorders into something cool and deep.

instead of helping each other and supporting each other, it feels like this site just wants to keep people miserable forever and discourage any attempts to recover. 

I think it’s good to have people online to vent to.  However, it’s best to do it in private so you can do it to someone who you feel secure sharing your problems with, not to all your follows who you don’t know and might not know how to handle others who are having a bad time (esp. if they already feel anxious and start panicking over you), plus randos who could use the information you put out about your life against you :(  A support blog where people talk about their problems to others who are ready and willing to listen as well offers suggestions, advice, and a warm shoulder is good and should always be supported.  A support blog that just confirms that “your illness is valid!” and only tells you to stay within your comfort zone that feeds into depression, anxiety, etc., isn’t, and that’s more what the post is talking about.

also, it's really important to make sure we don't make it a moral/social obligation to be Recovering Enough (rather than just a good idea because treatment improves quality of life), because what that actually does is make it an obligation to LOOK like you're Recovering Enough, and that leads to people prioritizing the appearance of healthiness over (3/3) what's actually healthy for them. a protestant work ethic about mental health is really not what we need, and removing that obligation is one of the few things tumblr does right.

And this is not what the post is encouraging at all! The post is just discouraging the communities who circulate only negative post, who only want to keep post negative (instead of offering the positive aspects) along with the spread of misinformation!  They said nothing about constantly recovering, they said

as a mentally ill person, taking a step back from the popular rhetoric that goes around on this site did me a great deal of good.

They are suggesting that because it helped them with their own mental health!  And from what I’ve seen of tumblr, I’m sure they’re not the only person it helped.

If you want to keep talking to me about this, do it off anon.  You can even privately message me on here if you’d like.  But that post is staying on Pinkuboa.

[sr116-blog]

Mental Health Month : Writing to Take care of Me

So, the first week of mental health month on Tumblr is meant to be about POST FOR YOU, meaning post about self care. In the spirit of my overall blog theme of writing original stories and Fanfiction, I’m going to tell you how my writing helps with my self care.

First, I should probably tell you a bit about my mental illness:

I am diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). Depression is a diagnosis I have lived with since I was 13, I am now 31 (and will be 32 in August). I think it’s important to understand this isn’t a condition that develops overnight, it builds over time and can be triggered by various things. There are varying degrees of depression as well. It can be a more temporary situational depression (often treatable with therapy alone) or a more long term even lifelong chemical depression (which may require medication). 

By the time one is diagnosed, particularly in their “angsty teen” years, it’s usually been festering a while. At 13, I got help because a friend told her mother (who called and told my mother) that I had revealed to my classmates a suicide attempt. I credit that friend to this day with saving my life (but those sort of stories are for another day).  Below are some MDD symptom adult display. Almost every single one of these applies to me when my illness is untreated. And to a lesser degree even when treated.

While MDD is my only official diagnosis, professional counselors have also suggested I show signs of borderline personality disorder (BPD) and I am very codependent/dependent (it varies by who I’m dealing with, I suppose). See the graphic below? I do have several of those symptoms. The thing is, BPD is easily confused for other diagnoses who have similar symptoms, and it can be hard to nail down.  On this list I often experience: 1, 3, 5, 6, 7; and more recently i have begun to notice 8 popping up. That's a lot of them, actually...

So, now that I’ve talked a bit about my diagnosis, I can talk a bit about writing and how it helps.

Using words and characters can be a very powerful coping tool. When I’m lost in my depression, if I can manage to dig myself near enough to the surface to focus on stringing things together, I often find it’s easiest to express that pain in poetry. In fact, in a world where I so often felt like so much talentless carp in a skilled family, writing was the earliest niche I found. 

My middle school (I guess that’s the equivalent…K - 8 all attended the same school in the Parochial system I attended) English teacher encouraged it, as did my late uncle. So, though I still had little faith in my own value, it was a skill I eagerly developed, and it quickly became a safe way to vent my anger, sorrow and self loathing.

I had always enjoyed trying to weave together original stories, too. My skill there, in my opinion, wasn’t as great. Then again, I have confidence issues. It’s part of the depression and dependency. I had a good mind for fanciful concepts, I suppose, but it hadn’t been fine tuned.

That’s part of where the Fanfiction comes in. The other part is the entire notion of why we write fanfiction, or why I do. I write Fanfiction because I love the stories…and to love the stories, I need to love the characters. I love the characters, because they are a mirror. I will try to write a post on that in and of itself later.

Now, my Fanfiction usually do some amount of character exploration. It’s one of my favorite things; and that has helped me to be able to write original works much more thoroughly. Granted, I tend to get more caught up in creating than writing these original stories…I’m working on that.

The brilliant thing about original stories is that you poor your own self into them. Every character is a piece of you; the plot reflects some moral standard, dilemma, or concern you may have; or the plot may be an fantasy you’ve held to help escape from reality for ages; the plot could be based very much even on that own internal battle with those dark thoughts in your own mind.

Every word you put on paper is some part of you. Who you are, wish to be, or fear you may become; what you’ve faced, wish to find, or fear is yet to come. It is born from somewhere, and letting it flow through the pen, if you are willing, will set it free.

For me. The willingness has been the problem. I want to get better. I pour myself onto pages, trying to help. The problem becomes, I am so used to feeling this, I am afraid to release it completely. So I keep letting it drag me back.

I’m finally getting there, I think. I have a great therapy team working with me now. A new treatment called EMDR I’ve been working with (it’s great, and I recommend it to anyone whose counselors think they are ready. Like anything mental health related, it’s not for everyone) has helped me really open up about the heart of things. I can post about it later and try to find a video.

The main point of this post boils down to this: whatever I end up writing about, I am actually writing about myself. That’s very therapeutic if I let it be.

[sunnybimbo]

I think I might have a personality disorder, but I have no actual proof. Do you have anything that could help me bring it up with my mom, who probably won't believe me, and/or get some professional help? Thanks so much -💐

tbh anon i think you may have accidentallypressed on the wrong blog when u submitted this question

just please note that i am in no way the best person to listento when it comes to these kinds of things. i dont think i have personalitydisorder (but who knows these days tbh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) and so i may say somethings that sound insensitive (BUT TOTALLY ACCIDENTALLY). so anyone whoactually has experience please feel free to point out mistakes, give tips, etc. 

ALSO: im gonna be 100% clear when I saythis: I have no idea if BPD (borderline personality disorder) is just a blanket term for all other personalitydisorders or what, so I am obviously not an expert. But it is what popped up like 85% of the timewhen I google’d a bunch of this information.

adding a read more bc this got kinda long

first thing: be firm. 

It’s very easy todoubt yourself when it seems like literally everyone you talk to thinks you’rewrong. You’ll probably hear a lot of people say things along the lines of you “can’t”be that because you act like this. But just remember that you knowyourself best, despite what parents, therapists, friends, etc. try to tell you.

It’s literally your mind.

So be very clear and very assertive (butnot violently so) when you finally decide to bring it up. 

Don’t let your mindbe swayed, because it’s just going hurt you in the long run.

Second: there are many different types ofpersonality disorders so I think before you try to bring it up with anyone, youshould figure out which one you believe you have.

It might help to look up thecharacteristics of each type and make a list of the ones you have in common forwhen you actually try to get some help with this.

Parents are very hard to talk to aboutthese sorts of things, so I may not be that much help in this department becauseI literally never go to my mom with any problems until they get Really Bad. Pluseach parent kind of parents differently, so it could totally go any directionbased on how you talk to your mom. Despite anything I say, try to appeal to herin a way that you know she’ll listen to.

For example, if she’s very empathetic, tryto appeal to her emotions. Tell her how youfeel when it comes to your disorder and how you think getting professional helpwith make you a better person in the long run. Just try to talk about ~emotions~and all that.

If she’s more logical (which I’m a bitmore comfortable with appealing to ngl), I would definitely go with the listthing I mentioned above.

Try to find as many characteristics thatyou have in common with the disorder you think you have and tell her why you associate so strongly with itbased on that list. Tell her how you think it’s affecting you and how you thinkyou would benefit to some treatment. Show her some official sources and pointout similar behaviors you exhibit.

But if she ends up not believing you, I want you to know that it’s not the end of theworld. 

It may feel very very bad tonot be trusted about this sort of thing, but just know that you don’t have tolive with your mom forever. And getting your own place and Adulting is a verydaunting thing, but you will getthere eventually. And then you willbe able to get the help that you deserve and you won’t have to deal with hermaking you second-guess yourself the entire way.

As for professional help, I think it may be something you have research for yourself. 

I’m kinda assuming you live in America (and we all know how fucked up our medical system is), but if you live somewhere else there may be a few (for example) therapists you can go to without having to have parent’s permission. 

But it’s definitely something to research for your specific area. there may be a private help group for people going through the same thing, perhaps finding someone who has this disorder and figuring how they get help with this could help you as well, etc, etc. 

Now, I have no idea how old you are, whatyour home life is like, whether you work or not and already have your ownplace, so most of this advice could probably easily be thrown out the window.But I do hope that I’ve given you just a little bit of help or atleast somesupport.

I do actuallyknow that sometimes just talking about it and having someone believe you without havingto jump through hoops to prove yourself can be an immense relief. 

Don’thesitate to contact me again if you want to/can, and I’m sorry I wasn’t as muchhelp as you might have expected.

Here are a few pages I found whilelooking up some points, and they might you a little bit (if you haven’t alreadyseen them

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/_coming_out__with_bpd.html– an article about Merinda Epstein who came out publicly about having BDP and the reactions of the people she knew.

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/personality-disorder- defines what a personality disorder is and a few different types.

http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/borderline.htm- an online borderline personality test. (I took this and apparently I’m verylikely to have BPD woopsie). Of course it’s no way official, so don’t take itas 100% fact, but once you get your results, a few more things pop up (like ‘what is bpd’) that mayhelp you learn more about this subject.

EDIT:

i got a few outside opinions are here’s the gist of what they said:

a few youth communities may be able to help you depending on your age and location. but there are a few online communities that may be able to help you

group therapy is common a little cheaper than one-on-one

a lot of stuff is treated differently based on the disorder you have, so make sure u research everything! leave no stone unturned and all that

[tindigperyodista]

Insights on mental health and class analysis, by a girl who has been depressed for eight years

A few months ago, a high school friend and I reconnected, and after feeling each other out for a bit, eventually admitted that since we'd lost touch, we'd been diagnosed with our respective mental disorders. We cried, commiserated. About lying in bed because we just can't get up, hearing "tamad ka lang katamaran lang yan" and believing it, screaming at ourselves that we are better than this we are good, we are smart, we are our parents' golden children, we have to make them proud. And from my talks with people, with strangers, with friends--I've noticed that this is a trend. The need to be more than what we are now. The desire to live up to expectations. To be normal. And for those of us who were told all our lives that we were the crème dela crème, best of the best, it's an even more damning pressure. It's not enough to be average, you have to be above average. And it's not enough to be above average, you have to be the best of all those who are above average. It's not enough to be a big fish in a small pond; you have to be the biggest fucking shark in the ocean. I remember curling up on the floor, sobbing to my therapist, "All I want to be is power. All I want is to be worthy. To be good enough." And this need is what drives my borderline personality disorder (BPD) and my depression. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, BPD is five times more likely to occur if a close family member has the condition. It's also linked to to "structural and functional changes in the brain, especially in the areas that control impulses and emotional regulation" (National Insitute of Mental Health)--though of course these are not the only factors, and indeed there are people with BPD who do not have these risk factors. The point being: mental disorders can be, but are not necessarily, a biological thing. I have met so many people struggling with mental illnesses and mood disorders and we all feel the same way. Cry the same way. Break down sobbing when we miss a deadline or fail a test or get a grade lower than we ever had in our whole lives. (I dropped from magna cum laude to cum laude during the worst semester of my life, and I stared at my CRS and tried not to hate myself any more than I already did.) Sometimes, these breakdowns lead to the--no, not unthinkable. Many of us have already thought about it. Some of us, myself included, have even tried it. Sometimes these breakdowns lead to the terrible conclusion. Suicide. It's estimated that in the Philippines, an estimated 2,558 people commited suicide, according to a 2014 World Health Organization report. And the rates for suicide, according to the Philippine Psychiatric Association, peak at 15-24 years old--right at the cusp of young adulthood. Late teens to early twenties. Young people. Me. My friends. My peers. The boy I see jogging at the oval. The girl I always meet at the kiosk. The Department of Health (DOH) has found that in Southeast Asia, the Philippines has the highest incidence of depression. In 2004, over 4.5 million cases of depression were reported in the country. According to DOH, so many of us are suffering a pain that has no name. Thirty out of 90 depressives don't even know they have depression. Thirty out of 90 depressives do know, but won't seek help. It could be the stigma. It could be the shame. It could be the fact that in my experience, a therapy appointment costs upwards of P500, and P500 buys so many things: clothes, food, a fraction of the rent, bills. So we push and we fight and we struggle for quality and accessible mental healthcare. We clamor and lobby and rally for a healthcare that isn't privatized, for bodies not to be milked for profit. For us not to have to choose between eating and wanting to kill ourselves. For our government to care that we are dying and to do something so we live. Because even for us, the lucky 30 who do seek help...we, or at least I, scream at ourselves for it. Therapy is expensive. I am guilty every time my family sends me money for my sessions: my brain, screaming mind over matter, God you're pathetic. Kala ko ba matalino ka. Bakit babagsakin ka na ngayon? Laki ng gastos mo sa magulang mo, pakamatay ka ma lang, di hamak mas mura ang kabaong at kape kaysa sa tuition rent bills grocery-- So we struggle. So we fight. Because mental disorders are insidious and murderous and we want to live. But another huge factor we can't discount is how the society we grow up and live in, molds us into this self-hating self-deprecating always-fucking-hurting individuals. Why would kids like us--like me--need accomplishments so desperately? Why would we be curled up fetal position sobbing, saying over and over, "Tangina gumalaw ka, puta ka, may acads ka, di ka gagraduate, you worthless piece of shit, pano na magulang mo, pano na lahat ng pangarap mo--" Love, of course. The safety and stability of our families. But also: the glittering life sold to us by the capitalist economy. The one that promises billboard-worthy happiness and a penthouse condominium and wine after five Fridays. If we just work hard enough, push past this stupid depression, we can reach that. We can be happy. It's an illusion. But it's an illusion that's difficult to dispel. It's the same illusion that drives the viral posts of security guards graduating magna cum laude at the school theu guard at; the elementary schoolchild studying under a lamppost; the illusion that states if you work hard enough, you'll succeed and be happy. It's a lie because from the very beginning the racers were weighed down with balls and chains. It's a lie because not everyone gets the education that people who can afford college do. It's a lie because not everyone gets the same education that we UP students do--the same education that guarantees at least a glance at your resumé. Hell, not everybody qualifies for "at least high school graduate" job postings I've seen around. So we fight not only for mental healthcare, but for quality and accessible education in all levels, for all Filipinos. Because the right to life doesn't stop at life; it comes with the right to quality to life, as well. The K-12 program is not only a burden to the parents forced to shell out for another two years of education (the discussion of how private schools have milked K-12 for profit will have to be put aside for now). It is also a machinery to create welders, domestics, nail artists--in short, docile labor--to send as overseas Filipino workers (OFWs) out in the international market. I am reminded, once again, of former UP president Alfredo Pascual: "Tertiary education is a privilege, not a right." But it is a right. Filipinos deserve more than to be called "the world's best workers". Why not the world's best scientists, best artists, best singers dancers engineers lawyers writers doctors--God, psychologists and psychiatrists! What I am trying to say is: we have been conditioned all our lives to believe that if we work hard enough, we will get that glittery life of peace and plenty. And when we struggle to get there--our genetics, our brains, our traumas--we curl in on ourselves and hurt and blame ourselves. But it was unfair from the beginning. It's not our fault it's hard. The way our society works is by keeping the poor, poor, and the middle-class just solidly middle-class enough to keep chasing that glittering dream life that keep the Powers That Be laughing all the way to their offshore bank accounts. Break that society. Break that system. We deserve better. Mental health issues cannot be imprisoned within the narrow lens of biology or emotion. They also have to be seen through a societal lens. Living as we do in a social construct, we are shaped and changed by how that society treats us. The struggle for mental health is not exclusive to the struggle for free education, or indeed the struggles of the many sectors who push for land, autonomy, representation--democratic rights. Our struggles are woven together. We are stronger together. Hanggang sa tagumpay! Sources: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml  http://www.who.int/mental_health/suicide-prevention/world_report_2014/en/  http://www.gmanetwork.com/news/story/376780/lifestyle/healthandwellness/psychiatrists-tell-all-the-411-on-suicide-prevention  http://portal.doh.gov.ph/content/woeful-suicide.html

[desperate-thursday-blog]

How has stigma surrounding mental health affected you?

Tackling stigma surrounding mental health will not fix everything; less cuts and more funding is needed too, but it is a start.

I responded to The Guardian newspaper when they were asking for people’s personal experiences of stigma surrounding mental illness. Here is what I wrote:

Tell us a bit more about yourself - age, job and any other information

My name is Sophie, I’m 28 and I am a support worker at a mental health recovery service. In my free time I am learning British Sign Language, taking a life drawing class and I’m nearly a black belt in karate. I still live at home but I’m planning for my future. I lead a pretty happy life, but, as with anyone this is not always the case - like a quarter of the population I have mental health issues. I’m diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD or emotionally unstable personality disorder) and I have battled depression, OCD and disordered eating. I’ve been receiving treatment and on medication from the age of 15.

Tell us about your specific experiences of stigma surrounding mental health

• When I was in school it inevitably became clear to those around me that I was mentally unwell, I was referred to CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health services), but my mental ill health was kept a secret from my school friends and extended family. At the time I thought this was okay, normal, but looking back it was covering up mental illness like it was something to be ashamed of. I went along with stories my parents would invent as to where I’d been when I was in hospital or why I had to go to the library instead of going to class. This taught me to keep my mental health issues a secret and that if anyone found out I would be judged. My parents hadn’t encountered mental illness before, they were just doing what they thought was right to protect me from the stigma out there surrounding mental health, they did not get the carers support they needed. • At age 16 when applying for college my psychiatrist advised me and my Mother not to inform colleges of my mental health issues as I might not get accepted and may be treated differently. We took this advice, after all it came from a professional, and did not notify my chosen college. I got in, but I missed out on the extra support that would have been available to me had they known, which could have eased stress and helped improve my grades. • I ordered a taxi once to drop me off at my psychiatric clinic, the taxi driver was chatty and started up a friendly conversation, he knew of the clinic and referred to is as the “mad house”. He went on to ask me if I worked there, I told him no and that I had an appointment. The driver was in disbelief and started to quiz me about “what was wrong” with me. I knew I didn’t have to answer his questions, but I thought I might be able to change his incorrect view of what someone with a mental health issue looks like (as we know, mental health problems can affect anyone). “A pretty girl like you?” he said as I got out of the car but I believe I made him think. • After graduating University I went to visit a friend, he said I could only stay for a few nights - until his brother/housemate got back - because he didn’t want me in the house while he slept. When I asked why my friend told me it was because his brother was aware of my mental health issues and was scared that he might “wake up to find me standing over him with a knife, or something”, he thought I might try to kill him. I was of course shocked to discover he felt this way, I thought back to conversations I’d had with him in the past and how I never would have guessed he had such incorrect views on mental health. The negative attitudes he had clearly came from a lack of knowledge and understanding, but I thought he should have known better as he was a police officer. • One of the ways I tried to cope with having mental ill health growing up was by self harming, which has left me with scars (on my arms). These marks visibly show some kind of mental unwell-being, where mental health usually can’t be seen or recognised that easily. In the summer of 2015 (after BPD awareness day) I decided that I would suffer the heat no longer and stop covering up my arms in jumpers. I was a cashier so this meant being face to face with members of the public, albeit for a few minutes each. I thought I had prepared myself for the reactions I would get from customers, but I was surprised by what I faced; some people’s reactions came from a good place, showing concern and saying something supportive before they walked away, but some people had very incorrect and negative attitudes toward mental illness and were not afraid to express it. I had people tut, look at me in disgust, question me and make careless remarks like “Stupid girl!”. These reactions did knock my confidence and made me feel bad. I felt like I could not defend myself or explain to them why I might have hurt myself and how it was out of my control. I continued to wear T-shirts despite the negativity and as regular customers got used to it the comments got less and less.

How do you think stigma surrounding mental health should be tackled?

• I think communication and education is the key to end stigma and discrimination. • I would like to see a rise in active campaigns set up to end stigma surrounding mental health which involve willing people with personal experience of mental health problems talking about themselves and sharing their experiences with the community. • I think there should be more correct and informative news coverage when involving the issue of mental health and a zero tolerance policy on negative stereotyping in the media. • More attention should be paid to people who act as the support network of someone who is mentally unwell, i.e. family, friends, carers. They need to learn about the individual’s mental health condition/s, triggers and early warning signs just as much as the person who is unwell. 
They would also benefit from talking about how being a part of someone’s support network effects them and their own personal mental health.

Do you have anything to add?

I have had some positive responses to being open about my mental health in education and the workplace. • I moved away to study after college and -following previous advice from my psychiatrist- did not inform the University of my mental health problems. This was dangerous and both my mental and physical health deteriorated. In my final year I had a breakdown and was forced to come clean to my personal tutor about my mental health conditions. The University responded quickly, efficiently and in a caring manner. I was signed off sick for a short period and I appealed to the Dean on the University to modify one of my more practical modules so that I could work from home when I felt ready. This was passed and I was able to graduate without having to retake the year. During the last few semesters I regularly saw the departments well-being officer who provided me with a great deal of emotional support. • My current employers have recently had to deal with me experiencing a relapse in my mental health, they could not have dealt with the matter any better. I definitely consider myself one of the lucky ones with good, understanding employers, they have been extremely supportive. They have made a number of adjustments to make my work life as stress-free as possible; I was transferred to work in a hub closer to home, my number of contracted hours has been temporarily changed from 37.5 to 30 (giving me one weekday to attend therapy), I have more frequent supervisions with my manager in which I can discuss any difficulties/issues, and my caseload was reduced. I am very grateful. They set a shining example of how companies should support employees who suffer mental ill health whist working for them.

If you would like to share any of your own personal experiences of stigma surrounding mental health on this blog you can contact me using my ask box or by sending me a personal message.