lostgirlsclub

[lostgirlsclub]

Have you ever felt like your not normal? That your brain doesn’t work in the same way as everyone else? That your to sensitive ? me to.

lets start at the begging at everyones favourite subject childhood trauma. so over all I did have a fantastic childhood I have an amazing supportive family and beautiful friends, this story is starting at fiery gates of hell in my case, school. Walking in to primary education was the first Time I really felt different, I was losing my innocence of being a true care free child. I had a teacher lets call him Mr Mars bar. He went out of his way to humiliate and pick on me, looking back now he was just a big bully that took enjoyment out of making children feel small. I wasn’t like the other children and I felt that. reading, writing and to be honest over all learning was never my strong suit, due to this is would segregate me from the “smart”children and make me sit next to a disabled boy on our own little “your not good enough” table. I would have to stay in at lunch because in his words “ you can’t go outside and play if you don’t know your ABC’S. I was crushed, as you can imagine a child would be looking out the window at all my friends playing and having fun. All I could do was watch and think of Is how i’m not good enough. The other children would to stay in his good books by presenting him with mars bars, being good at IT and complete obedience. no-one wanted to be on the Naughty table. I would wait till it was half past three on the dot and run as fast as I could to the front gate where my mum and baby sister would be waiting. She would always greet me with the biggest warmest hug, I would always have teary eyes and a snotty nose from holding it in all day.

It got to the point that my mother was sick of seeing me cry everyday, consoling my sadness and crippling lack of self worth. She left me and my sister with one of the other mums and stormed in to that school with passion and anger. It was like she had complete mother bear vibes, No-one hurts her cub. The eco of the do slamming as she walked in I will never forget. “MR MARS BAR! I WANT A WORD WITH YOU” she screeched across the dining hall. She came out looking very proud of her self, I looked at her like my hero. She protected me when I couldn’t protect myself. I walked in to class the next day an he was fine with me. If anything a little to nice, but it goes to show sticking up for yourself does work!

Moral of the story is he was a bully you enjoyed picking on little girls to make himself feel better. He probably has a small penis.

[lostgirlsclub]

Bpd and me

Everyone has a fight or flight, but for some that’s everyday. The fight of anxiety and depression, that horrible gut feeling at the bottom of your stomach, you know the one. These are normal feelings but when it’s your daily life it takes over. That feeling is more normal to you than actually feeling normal. It gets to a point where you question what a good day feels like. Where sitting in the darkness of your room with nothing but blue light exposure from your devices. Where your bed is your bestfriend. Warm, cosy and most importantly safe. Drowning yourself in your thoughts. There is nothing wrong with this! Just don’t stay there to long.

I found out a few years ago that I had BPD. For those that don’t know, BPD Is Borderline personality disorder( what a rubbish name they could have thought of something nicer!) anyway, this is a condition that affects how you think, feel and interact with other people. I knew I was different, I knew the way I thought was not like my friends. I knew that in certain situations I didn’t just know how people were feeling, I could physically feel how people were feeling. In my mind I consider myself an emotional sponge and my brain takes on things that aren’t even mine. When I first found out part of me was relieved but at the same time I was gutted. I didn’t to be tarnished with the brush of mental health but equally I knew what was wrong and I would start trying to heal.

Having BPD I find that I would get “triggered’ and my feelings would be out of my control. The lows would feel so unbelievably low and the highs where Capsulatingly freeing. I could switch between theses feelings in a mixture of minutes, hours or days. My brain wasn’t allowing me to decide. That’s the really annoying part.

The word trigger can mean many things to many people. Everyone’s are different depending on your story and the chapters of your life. Your personal experience.

Being ‘triggered’ can be a flick of a switch experience, it can come from anywhere and nowhere. A comment from a co-worker, a bitchy look from a stranger, anything really. What I have learned in 27 years on this floating Rock is that triggers arnt always bad. For example my grandad had a smell. A smell that was unique to him a recipe of essential oils that only he knew the combination. Some times I smell him in the most random places. That smell can put me in a temporary Time Machine of when I was a child looking up and my grandad with innocence and pure love, as children do. I made the decision that as much as I miss them every day I can’t change it. It’s completely out of my control but I needed to live my life. He would have wanted that for me. Even 12 years on he is still in the for front of my thoughts. Any decision I made I would think of him. What I’m trying to say is I took my pain and grief and made it positive. He is always around me even if he’s not physically here, his memory will always live through his loved ones.

Some triggers can’t just be switched off, but I think that rule number one of healing those triggers is knowing what actually sets you off. Write notes on your phone or keep a diary or journal just something to keep track. Is there any patterns ? Do you get set off around particular people or places? Once you know roughly what is hurting you work with that! Because it’s a great start! Go the long way round if a place upsets you. Remove yourself from situations and in some cases people. Make boundaries, you are allowed! Don’t let others bring down. If you tell them your boundaries and they don’t like it then they were taking advantage of your boundaries from the start! You cant heal in a place that broke you hun. So put your self first, because girl you deserve it.

Having BPD can sometimes make you think you don’t know who you are. Where everything you have ever known about yourself is now blurry and confusing. What do I like ? What am I doing with my life? WHO AM I !?! These questions have kept me up at night. It’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t know how it feels that when you look in the mirror a stranger is looking back at you. This feeling of lack of self can really affect someone’s psyche and self-worth.

My advice is. You do know who you are. Deep down you do. Even if that person seems to be gone they are always there. Remember who you are because there is only one you! And you are worthy and loved. like dory once said “Just keep swimming” look after your self and be kind to yourself. This world can be tough and through us come curve balls, but you got this. Keep your head up. You deserve to be happy.