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pestilentbrood · 10 months

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VERY long Ramble incoming

honestly now that I'm looking at the auraboa lore situation, I'm just disappointed. There was such POTENTIAL in the idea of the Loop and the horror of a new generation inexplicably being disconnected from it, forcing the newly hatched children into a world totally separate from that perceived by their parents (I mean, hell, they perceive TIME differently!).... but then the writer(s?) just fell ass backwards into Icky Tropes.

I feel like I can see what the idea was, especially with the recent alterations to the Encyclopedia entry... It seems like staff fundamentally understands the true Horror potential here, but... Instead, through the short story, they proposed it through the lens of a condescending outsider character, turning the fears of the older generation into something trivial. And also weirdly demeaning the Auroboa's situation by portraying them as overreacting.

Why... why would you do that? Like, from a storytelling perspective? What's gained from that? Why not embrace the true horror and even Emotional significance of that disruption? Why instead go for "ohh we NEED outsider help we NEED to be saved because we are so helpless and it is so Silly that we, creatures who have never experienced such things, do not know what sleep is"????

And if they WANTED to have a condescending outsider, I feel like they COULD have done that, but it would have to have that character realize the horror at some point. And make it obvious that their attitude towards distressed parents and children facing Eldritch Shit and the Sudden Deconstruction of it was not cool!

(or at the very least be a bit more...idk. Consistent with said outsider character? Juniper just goes from "omg I am so honored that the fascinating creatures of the behemoth have chosen me to speak to" to "oh their wasting my time because they don't know what sleep is. I'd rather be sleeping!! 🙄" like girl... c'mon now. Why are we trivializing it like this. Do you want me as the reader to be invested in their plight or not.)

I mean come on. They're beings connected through one networked hivemind-like system, yet each still maintains a silver of individuality that allows them to move freely throughout the Behemoth that they care for. And they've got an eldritch understanding of time that no other dragon could understand. They're seeing the future, past, and present unfold simultaneously. They're witnessing the birth and death of the world at the same time, and have no way to communicate it to other dragons. The best they can do is maintain their home, and even then, they see its roots spread and decay all at once.

And then the newest generation is suddenly disconnected. An inherent link between parent and child and all dragons in-between, that has existed since the creation of their species, is just suddenly GONE for the newest births. With NO explanation for it. The children have no easy way of communicating with their parents. The children are experiencing time in a way that was not meant for their species. They've forcefully been shoved into a circadian rhythm that they are Not! Built for!

The only way a parent could communicate properly with their child would be when the latter is sleeping, something that is also completely foreign to this species. It would be terrifying for all involved!!!

They are literally experiencing eldritch horror from the perspective of the eldritch being forced into the mortal.

Like why WOULDN'T there be panic!!! And why would that panic be trivialized! Why are we only shown the perspective of an outsider who looks at this situation and goes "Oh the silly tree beasts are being so silly over nothing, it's no big deal!"

That and the way the auraboas talk to outsiders. Like. There was such potential there. Real opportunity to explore how ancient, time-bending beings would communicate to someone who couldn't even BEGIN to understand the intricacies of it.

Instead we got what feels more like baby talk (even described as though they were hatchlings enunciating their first words, which... I dunno man, maybe we don't want to compare them to children like That) and less like... Beings that experience all of time at once. I mean, the hatchlings and the adults speak the exact same way, and that doesn't make any sense given the literal time barrier going on.

I totally get why people thought there was just a language barrier and that auraboas had their own language, thus causing the disjointed speak, and not that it was because They Do Not Experience Time Like We Do. And I feel it would've been far easier to get it across by just... I dunno. Do anything else?? I saw someone on here suggest they speak in the "wrong" tenses, or using multiple tenses in the same sentence, which I think would've been far more clear.

Like, as opposed to "saplings wilt! saplings silent!" just "the saplings will wilt in silence, they've wilted in silence, they are wilting silently." Said all at once like all things are true simultaneously. And if we're going for hivemind, have each auraboa speak in a different tense, all at the same time, and have them switch it up every time. Have our outsider get confused and be like "which is it? are they wilting now, or have they already wilted?" and the cluster of auraboas respond in a cacophony of yes's, no's, and maybe's all at once.

Would've probably gotten across the "alien" vibe they were supposedly going for far better than wide-eyed desperation for an outsider's guidance conveyed through disjointed, in-world described as baby speech.

And also maybe would've had less accidental connotations. Because as it stands, I completely see why people have made the connections to the real world where they have. This doesn't read like eldritch timey-wimey intrigue, or even a respectful look at how younger generations can become detached from their families' cultures over time and the struggles that come with it. It reads like a culture being perceived by an ignorant outsider who (despite supposedly respecting these dragons) scoffs and rolls their eyes because the tree beasts with their funny words are being silly again, and that Hey, isn't it actually a great thing that the children are fundamentally different in all manners now? Because now they can join the rest of us in the "real world."

Yknow. Ick.

(I Personally think it would've been better to have the perspective be one of the Auraboas themselves, especially one of the children, to really understand what was going on here. Give us the full brunt of the mind of a creature experiencing all of time interwoven as one shape. The waters fall and the oceans crash with waves. They've now fallen to drought. The ocean has yet to be born. Caves have been carved out through the waters' currents. And when I break from this timeline, I open my eyes to see a child, the child not yet born, the child born now, the child born yesterday. Why can't I hear it? Why couldn't I hear it? Why won't I ever hear it?)

I dunno. People more qualified than me to speak on this matter have already torn the lore apart, I'm just... dropping my own two cents. Potential got weirdly squandered and we ended up instead with unfortunate implications and tropes that could be connected a liiiittle too awkwardly to irl situations.

*Also, before anyone points out: Yes, I know the hatchlings aren't COMPLETELY detached from the Loop and can join it when they sleep. But the fact is, these thangs never had to sleep before. That wasn't in their species' nature. So that's still weird and foreign for them on both sides. And since the hatchlings now have a circadian rhythm, they can't stay connected to the loop permanently. And also Also, seeing as the previous generations aren't experiencing time linearly, who's to say they even recognize when their child joins the loop? They'll speak with an echo of their child when that child was last asleep ages ago, not knowing that it's not them presently, because there is no 'present' for the older generations.

#i also really really do not understand the ''word count'' explanation given by staff.#I'm honestly rather lenient with ignorance happenings like this so long as they're remedied but.#cutting out important details of lore Fundamental to the understanding of it? For? ''Word count''?#Like firstly. Surely someone on the team is skilled enough to pull that off right? To get all that needs to be said in a short story?#but secondly. w. why is there a word count limit to begin with. This is Your House. Why are you limiting yourself unless this is like #a paid-by-word situation and they don't have the money to afford something longer #but like it feels like shooting yourself in the foot if you're going to write something that leaves a ton of information vague instead of #properly explaining your lore so there's no unfortunate misunderstandings. But I dunno. I'm just rambling #flight rising #fr auraboa #I'll probably be incorporating my Own version of the lore regardless of what the staff decides to do with this presentation of it #or just ignoring it outright hskdgjhskjh we shall See #Also if anything I've said here is Wrong in some way or comes across ignorant in and of itself. Let me know

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getvalentined · 6 months

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What’s your opinions of the various ffvii compilation games?

Oh I am a huge proponent of the Compilation as a whole; I know that opinion is rare for someone who's been in the fandom from the beginning, but I'm an insufferable lore gremlin and I just eat up everything the series has to offer. I have three different copies of Advent Children (the original on DVD, ACC on DVD, and ACC on blu-ray) and even still watch Last Order on occasion.

The series itself is really fascinating and staggeringly consistent (I've talked about how the implied timeline of the Jenova Project as presented in-game is so consistent that it matches up with real-world human gestational science), with the exception of the FF7Re series—which I can deal with, since it's canonically on a different timeline and therefore any retcons there are literal in-universe retcons, which is pretty brilliant.

That said, I'mma put ratings for the pieces of the Compilation individually under a cut!

OG FF7: 9/10. would be 10/10 if the English localization were better. Where it all started, still one of my favorite games of all time.

Advent Children (+Complete): 8/10. Not a game, but part of the Compilation! Anyone who says the plot makes no sense doesn't realize that they're watching a sequel that relies very heavily on people understanding the history and characterization of every single character shown.

Last Order: 6.5/10. Also not a game, also part of the Compilation. Love that this is implied to literally be Tseng's coverup of what happened with Zack, presented in anime form. Makes no sense in multiple places as a result, but if you know that's what it is then you can 100% see why it's portrayed that way! Honestly I really enjoyed it and wish more people would appreciate it for what it is.

Dirge of Cerberus: 7/10. The gameplay kinda sucks but honestly the storyline is super good—or it would be, if the entire fucking prologue hadn't been cut from any release outside Japan, thereby leaving the entire issue with DeepGround completely unexplained to all other audiences. Once you know what is going on, the storyline here is fantastic, and I've never really forgiven SE for not releasing the rest of it. I love that Dirge fills in the lore for Vincent that was cut when he was relegated to "optional" in the OG, and that it also helps to clarify why Midgar could have 9 functional mako reactors while every other reactor in the world is either sputtering to nothing or exploding. (It's Omega. Midgar is built over Omega. It's the place where all lines of the Lifestream converge so that Omega can draw it all in and carry it away at the end of the world, and Shinra never discovered that's why the mako well there is so expansive. I love good worldbuilding, and Dirge is a beautiful example of that.)

Before Crisis: N/A. I want this game so bad man where is it give it to meeeee. Honestly tho I've watched playthroughs and read scripts where available, and while I don't think it looks like much fun from a modern gameplay perspective, I have huge respect for it as far as development goes. This is one of the first really mainstream mobile games ever made, it was made for flip phones, and it's super extensive! Also it gave me Veld, who is one half of my favorite ship ever, which means it automatically gets a 7/10 even if I've never played it.

Crisis Core (+Reunion): 9/10. As fun to play as the OG. When I first played this on PSP over a decade ago, it hit me with such an intense feeling of nostalgia that it almost took me off my feet. In spite of the dramatic difference between game mechanics in CC versus the OG, it felt exactly like playing the OG again, and that feeling never really left. Humanized Sephiroth in a beautiful way that pissed off a bunch of fanboys and made me fall in love with him all over again. Also introduced my second favorite FF7 character ever, Genesis, who is one half of one of my core FF7 ships, so A+ on that too!

FF7 Remake (+InterMISSION): 8/10. Had a lot of fun with this one, and it's beautiful, but it doesn't have a lot of replayability in my experience, which is a shame. Would have been 6 or 7/10 if not for InterMISSION, which was a fucking delight.

FF7 First SOLDIER: 6/10. This applies to both the Battle Royale and the title in Ever Crisis. I am not a fan of Glenn & Co. but I love 14 year old Sephiroth and really appreciate that extension of lore and worldbuilding, so it's a decent balance. I love that the opening cutscene for the battle royale literally filled a 20+ year old plot hole in under two minutes.

FF7 Rebirth: 9.5/10. The only things that could make me like this game more would be if Vincent were playable (although I understand why he's not and, in spite of him being my favorite fictional character ever, I agree with this decision), and fewer required minigames. Just cut like one or two. Or fix the controls, maybe. Glide de Chocobo is even more broken now that it's been patched.

#fandom ramble #ff7

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cal-daisies-and-briars · 27 days

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🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮(they’ve gained perspective! They’re gonna talk it through and come out of this stronger! Love that for them!)

🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟(A lion attack?!??!? Poor chris my sweet baby i just want that child safe!)

🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼(very fascinating setup im intrigued!)

36 for 🔮 (HELL YEAH THEY ARE):

---

“I’m sorry I didn’t just explain that earlier,” Bobby says. “I’m sorry I let you think… Well, I don’t exactly know what you thought but obviously it hurt you.”

Buck shakes his head. “I forgive you.”

So easily. His anger burns so bright when he is angry. His forgiveness comes so readily. Bobby’s not sure if he’s worthy of it.

“Thank you, Buck.”

“You should tell me, though,” Buck says. “If it happens again.”

Bobby sighs. “Buck…”

“Look, I get it,” Buck interrupts. “I saw you, back then. I know you struggle to talk about some of it. I’m not asking for that. I’m just saying, you can tell me, so I can be there for you.”

“That’s not your job,” Bobby tells him.

“Well you can’t have it both ways,” Buck protests. “I want it to be my job, Bobby. I’m not actually a kid.”

Damn it. That’s… Well, that’s completely solid logic that Bobby can’t refute without being unfair. Oh, he hates that.

He thinks back to the day of the funeral. What Buck must have seen of him. A child who hated himself, who was grieving, who had just discovered that alcohol made that go away. Who was so angry and scared and alone. Here Buck is still. Just like Athena has seen the worst of him, and remained. Strangely enough, Bobby thinks back to that afternoon, catatonic in his childhood bedroom, and although he knows he was alone, he has the memory of a warm hand on his shoulder. He’s never remembered that before.

---

75 for 🧟 (Yesssss scary times!):

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Buck knows that he’s hiding.

Who wouldn’t? He feels like a little kid put on time out. Not that there’s been any actual punishment for him, aside from the radio being taken away. Hen has made it clear no one is going to hold it against him. I understand why you did it, she’d said. But still. He’s embarrassed. He feels foolish. Everyone thinks it was a desperate, futile attempt at something he will never accomplish. Everyone thinks Maddie is just another person he’s lost for good.

So Buck is hiding in his room.

He’s reading. He has so much to read, after all. He’s been going through the nonfiction books topic by topic. Right now he’s on music. Just anything the library has. He’s reading a biography of Fela Kuti, which is kind of blowing his mind. He knew nothing at all about him before picking up the book. He had to see if the library had any CDs of his music, which it does! He’s playing it on an old boom box.

Saxophone filling his ears, knowledge transferring from page to Buck’s brain like a scanner, Buck can feel himself starting to calm down. He’s discovered learning is a bit meditative for him. He never did well in school. Never thought he was smart. Now he thinks he might just learn differently. Karen says so, anyway. She says he’s “probably brilliant, actually.” First person to say that, no doubt. It’s a shame, Buck thinks. He had to discover this thirst for knowledge at the end of the world. He’s not sure there will ever be new books. He’s not sure the internet will ever come back. He mourns a version of himself that might have thrived, with the right support.

Laying on his mattress, music loud, book hovering above his face, Buck almost doesn’t hear the knock on his door. He’s pretty absorbed. The knock comes once, twice, and finally a third time before Buck catches it.

“Uh, come in!” Buck calls.

The door opens and Bobby steps in.

Fuck.

Buck sits up. He puts the book down, open, spine up.

“Oh. Hi, Bobby.”

Bobby looks distraught. Buck worries he’s still pissed. He worries that he’s thought more about it, and has come to chew Buck out some more.

He doesn’t.

“Buck, I… I don’t know how to explain…”

“What?” Buck asks. His spine goes rigid. “What’s happened? Is everyone okay?”

He thought Athena’s daughter was improving!

“Everyone’s fine. Relatively.” Bobby says. “Buck, I’m sorry… I…”

“Bobby, what?” Buck begs.

“There are people here for you.” Bobby says. “Looking for you.”

Buck goes numb. “Wh-what?”

“One of them says she’s your sister.”

“M-Maddie?” Buck asks, not really believing it. Didn’t everyone imply it was never going to happen?

---

24 for 🔼 (Thank you!):

---

“But you don’t live in our house.”

Shannon winces a little. “No, Chris. I don’t.”

“So where will the baby live?”

“We still have a while to figure that out.” Eddie tries to move away from this topic.

“Are you going to live in our house?” Chris asks.

“I don’t think so, Christopher,” Shannon says quietly.

Christopher’s face starts to go a little red.

“Chris,” Eddie says. “I know you have a lot of questions-”

“No, I don’t want it.” Chris interrupts.

“What?” Shannon asks.

“I don’t want the baby.” Chris says. “I don’t want a brother or sister.”

Eddie sighs. Fuck. He’d been too young to feel this way about Sophia, but he certainly had his reservations about Adriana. He was just a little younger than Chris when his mom told him about her third pregnancy.

#daisies and briars writes #weary memory fic #go and kill go and die fic #buddie shannon throuple fic

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jariten · 1 year

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May-July 2023 roundup

Okay little by little preparing for regular posting on this blog to resume and thought I'd start with catching up on the roundups!

Midori no Uta by Taiwanese Yan Gao, who first garnered attention for illustrating the original Japanese edition of Haruki Murakami's Abandoning a Cat: Memories of my Father, tells the story of college student Lü after she moves to Taipei for university. There she spends less time on academic pursuits and more on music live shows. She then meets Nanjun, an amateur musician who shares his love of music with her. This leads her on a trip to Japan to look for the band Happy End's album Kazemachi Roman, which leads her to an instant love for Harumi Hosono and his music, and her first infatuation as she grows closer to Nanjun. This is maybe the first Taiwanese comic I've ever read and I loved every second of it. The Japanese translation was really great. Beautiful naturalistic cityscapes and I really adored how Lü's emotions were depicted. Everything Yan Gao was referencing was very interesting too. I love a college coming of age too. I really really hope someone takes the initiative to license it and that she gets another tankobon out soon.

Mermaid Scales and the Town of Sand by Yoko Komori was also a lovely little coming of age, although at an elementary school level. I really want even more understated but impactful stories like this on the english market and I'm really happy this one got licensed despite its age (it first came out in 2013). And speaking of more understated stories, Frieren by Kanehito Yamada and Tsukasa Abe is soooooo good. Def a worthy comparison to a series like Delicious in Dungeon with how it is an earnest fantasy that decides to approach the staples of the genre from a novel perspective, altho I love how the atmosphere and tempo is completely different, really recommend for anyone who likes more low energy or relaxing stories. And PLEASE anime fans please watch the adaption when it premieres this fall!!!

I also in this period really enjoyed reading Ai ga Areba Ii no da by Ikuemi Ryou. This year I've read so much text heavy manga so reading one with a lot of silent panels and textless sequences was so refreshing, and really moved Ikuemi up on my priority list, I'm really looking forward to reading more.

Yoko to Tora by Fuyuko Kurosaki was another fun surprise in the sense that honestly when I pick up 4-koma on a whim I don't expect too much (Making Azumanga Daioh my first kinda set the expectations too high), and its no Azumanga but I still found myself wanting to recommend it. Imagine if you will a world where cats are plushie shaped and have the general intelligence of a child meaning they can understand and make themselves understood to humans without speaking, they go to school, and have friends they like to hang out with. This is the world of Yoko and Tora and all of their friends. Much like Chiikawa its the little world building details that elevate it from just another cutesy comedy. But don't get me wrong it is a cutesy comedy.

On a whole other track, Keimusho no Naka by Kazuichi Hanawa (licensed as Doing Time back in 2004), was a really fascinating depiction of life in prison as told by a man who had to do time over illegal weapon possession charges. The vivid details of the interior of the prison and the oppressive routines they had to endure from the people who run it was very enlightening. Not to mention Hanawa's artistic talent is like, crazy to me.

I'm still not making promises but posting on here is something that I want to do, so I'd like to ask if there's a preference to consistent posting (queue running consistently over the span of weeks) or if occasional sporadic bursts (queue runs inconsistently or just for a couple of days at a time) is fine too

#recommendation corner #my scans #frieren cover i had to download bc i borrowed it from the library #long post

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phaneseros · 1 year

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When The Honeymoon Stage Wears Off

I was circling old posts from my main blog and found an old ask by anonymous:

Gods are a huge part of my path both as a pagan and a witch. That being said, I have a very difficult time connecting with them. Usually I'll find a deity or two that I connect with and maybe even a whole pantheon, but somewhere down the line I always find something that just disconnects me from them for some reason. Any advice on working with the gods and being able to stick some and not switch around so much??

My initial answer wasn't too bad, but I want to expand on it.

There is a Honeymoon phase in any new thing. You are excited by this new thing, wanting to look into it more, enjoying yourself.

For anthropologists who go to study other cultures first hand, the first stage of four is the Honeymoon stage.

Defined here as :

This is the first stage and occurs on arrival. In this stage everything is new and exciting. You are intrigued by cultural differences and similarities. There is a feeling that you could conquer anything and that there will be no trouble adjusting.

And defined here :

The first stage is the honeymoon, which can last a few days or up to several months. At this stage, everything is new, exciting, and fascinating. The 'natives' are polite, gracious, and most welcoming. Another way of describing this stage is that of the tourist's experience. (...) Tourists generally return home before the honeymoon ends, whereas anthropologists, aid workers and others move beyond this to the second stage, in which one 'has seriously to cope with the real conditions of life' (ibid).

Many people tend to feel this similar Honeymoon stage of trying new things, from religion to hobbies.

Let's look at the brief descriptions of the next three stages from the first link:

Irritation - Culture Shock

After the honeymoon stage wears off the focus begins to shift to a negative view of the cultural differences. There is often a sense of helpless frustration. People often withdraw in this stage. This is when feelings of homesickness are most prevalent.

Adjustment – Perspective

Adjustment take s place gradually. You start to become comfortable as understanding of the language and culture increase. You are now more confident that you can manage life in your host country. You begin to see multiple perspectives and question your own assumptions about the world.

Adaptation - Feeling at home

Eventually, the host culture is no longer new and you begin to feel at home. You may prefer certain traits of the new culture over your home culture. You might even begin to adopt cultural behaviors. Depending on the length of your stay you may never reach this stage.

The second link also described these:

Not only do simple tasks, such as purchasing food or washing up, become complete fiascos, but the 'natives' do not seem concerned at all. In fact, they may seem unsympathetic or indifferent (ibid). A very common coping mechanism is aggression and frustration-a rejection of the environment that is causing discomfort (ibid:177). (...) If one stays, then the third stage starts as the visitor begins to learn the language and can negotiate daily life on his or her own. Difficulty still exists, but the visitor is able to handle it. The visitor even begins to help others who may be new to the situation. In the fourth stage, the visitor 'accepts the customs of the country as just another way of living' (ibid). Certainly, the visitor will not always understand what is occurring in social situations and may not notice nuances, but he or she has adjusted considerably. At this point, there are things that he or she will miss about the country when leaving.

The second and third stages are often like feeling like a fish out of water. It can be frustrating o even frightening when you no longer have a frame of reference or what you're doing, how you're supposed to do it. But that's the thing. While research and work are important, and definitely time you should dedicate to your new god(s), it is also a time of letting yourself just Exist. Especially when you may not have comparable experiences for what is "enough."

I feel like, after being on this website for 11 or 12 years, there's this weird pressure to grind "daily" worship like WoW or Genshin quests. You don't have to do this. Frankly, I do feel that part of this idea comes from a sort of Christianization for those who live in such areas (which is often many pagan converts) - there's this idea that you must constantly Prove Your Faith, Prove Yourself As Worthy, Suffering Is Sacrifice Is Faith.

Truly, not only do not all religions have this idea, but even historically people did not, every single day, undergo such grueling mindset, including variations of Christianity. Yes, some things are habitual, but cultures and religions that do have daily forms of worship or practice, the people in them are raised with that concept their entire lives. They were taught to do them for years until it Became habit. Since childhood. You, the convert, were not.

Such practices that do have historical or cultural "daily" necessities (usually prayers) will much, much more likely have actual step-by-step learning processes with conversion that will be hard to miss. However, we're talking more general paganism here, which usually does not have such conventions. But if you convert from this kind of practice and feel like there is a void you must fill - you can syncretically adopt your previous iterations of faith and apply them into your new one. Whether it remains throughout your paganism, or falls out of fashion, is individual experience.

Stop feeling guilty about not adhering to a grind mindset, first and foremost. Especially if you're coming from a Christo-Catholic background. You're allowed to be free from guilt.

That said, coming back to the honeymoon phase, it does wear off. Even if you think "I'm going to be excited about this every second of every minute" you won't. There will be at least a single moment where you won't, where you will just Exist as a human person doing whatever it is you habitually do on autopilot, and that's fine. You're allowed to Just Exist without constantly dedicating every second to a pantheon (or even magic path for those who are witches falling in the trap of grind mindset).

I feel like this idea of "switching around" has two reasons:

Genuine dissatisfaction that you are not at fault of

Chasing the high of experiencing something new

If you "switch around" a lot, it could be genuine disatisfaction. That is neither your nor the pantheon's fault. It's just not a good fit. And that's fine. You don't have to force yourself to belong and shouldn't force a deity into your life that doesn't quite work the way you want or need. It's a mutual understanding, a give and take. And if that's not compatible, then finding something new is not a bad thing.

Stop and think to yourself: Are you switching around because the honeymoon stage wore off and you want to keep chasing the high? Perhaps you're under-stimulated? Research more into the pantheon or deity you're trying to have connection with. That can usually aid and/or disperse the restlessness. There's much more out there historically, anthropologically, and we're constantly finding new things about ancient cultures and civilizations. Join communities about the pantheon or deity/ies. Engage with other people to keep your own interest. It's a commitment. All this can either lead to realizing it's genuine dissatisfaction, realizing other issues are at play, or can help you (re)connect and stick with it.

The fact is, the Honeymoon stage will wear off and that's the humanity in you. It will become basic habit. But that's not a bad thing. An occasional prayer is still an occasional prayer. Even some Christians only "Be Christian" on Sundays, or even less on just Easter and Christmas.

If you have an altar, maybe at the least you can dust it. The "connection" isn't going to be loud and in your body, mind, and soul(s) every hour of every day. And you don't have to force yourself into a schedule that doesn't feel right to you. That doesn't mean you're abandoned by gods, nor that you have abandoned gods, it means you're human and are given space.

With that out of the way, here is part of my initial answer to this ask back from 2017:

Accept that there may be times of quiet. You don’t need to be in constant communication at all times. Accept that there will be dry spells and quiet times and that you generally may always be re-welcomed by them.

If you truly want a basic frame of measurement for how "often" you should "contact" your deity/ies, think of your friends or family. How often do you text them, send them messages, call them, etc? What do those messages consist of? Saw a meme and sent it to your friend? Saw a sunset and sent it to your parent? You can do similar for your god(s).

Reblog that meme that made you think of Deity, that funny looking curio at the thrift store made you think of Deity so either get it or take a photo of it. But don't run yourself ragged or spiral into feeling like what you do isn't "enough" - it can become even antithetical to the joy of worship, especially when deities culturally are intended to be helpful, not hurtful, to the worshiper.

#paganism #paganblr #polyheism

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ink-flavored · 6 months

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Introducing the Antagonists

BTS Series: ⬅ Table of Contents - Reworking the Plot ➡ Also available on Neocities! P&J Taglist (Check out my Google form to get added): @elegant-paper-collection @auroblaze@zeenimf @vacantgodling @foxys-fantasy-tales Banner art by @auroblaze

With the leads out of the way, it’s high time we talk about the shiny new antagonists for Pride & Justice. And yes, that’s antagonists with an “s” because there are two of them! Since the fanfiction version of the story only had the two main characters in it, both of these antagonists are completely created by me. I also don’t have design references for them yet, so feel free to imagine them in your head.

The reason I have two antagonists when I could very easily just have one is based on a few things. For one, I thought it would be fun to have representatives from both Heaven and Hell, like Pride and Justice themselves, and create a neat mirror effect in the narrative. For another, there are multiple conflicts in the story—the conflict of Pride and Justice getting back to Heaven to complete the contract Pride made with that soul in Purgatory, and the conflict between Pride and Justice as they try to navigate their new lives and eventual romance. The dual-antagonists serve both conflicts, one for the over-arching plot that runs through the story, and another for the personal dynamic of their relationship, creating another wedge that they have to climb over to be together. I also wanted to take the opportunity to say that, while Heaven and Christianity deserve critiquing, just because Heaven is bad doesn’t mean that Hell is good. They’re both fundamentally flawed, for different reasons.

With all that said, let’s introduce the new players!

Honesty

I’ve always been really fascinated with the idea of a villain who believes what they’re doing is righteous and good. The kind of antagonist that is doing objectively horrible things from every perspective but their own, who can’t or won’t understand that the things they’re doing “for the greater good” aren’t doing any good at all. That’s the kind of person that Honesty is.

Honesty is, like Justice, an angel that embodies the virtue of her namesake. She is physically incapable of telling a lie, and follows the word of God to a tee. After all, God’s word is the truth of the world. She knows her place—it is to serve Heaven and fight against Hell at any cost. Every angel in Heaven knows their place too, and deviating from it is a non-issue. If you aren’t serving God, specifically if you aren’t carrying out His word to the letter, you aren’t doing your duty as an angel. You deserve retribution and punishment for it. You deserve to be sent to Hell for it. After all, that is God’s word. You can’t refute that because she can never lie.

In her own mind, all she’s doing is keeping things the way they should be. Angels are taught, created for, and trusted to serve God’s will for the good of His children and the world at large. Pride is a speck to her, a lost cause she won’t even bother sympathizing with. He’s already lost. What really makes her mad, what sends her on the crusade that leads to the entire story, is Justice defending him. He’s breaking the laws he promised to serve, defying God for a demon, of all things. She places herself at the head of the mission to bring Justice back under the banner of Heaven, send Pride to his death like he deserves, or bring them both down.

From our perspective, she clearly sucks. Pride dying would have other far-reaching consequences beyond killing a single demon. Killing the innocent person he just happens to be carrying along with him is bad, actually, and Justice pointing that out shouldn’t immediately send him to the same fate. That doesn’t matter to her. They’ve both made themselves enemies of God by defying His word, and now they are her enemies too. And she’s right. They aren’t following the rules. Pride for obvious reasons—he doesn’t care about God’s rules—but Justice really has no excuse here. He’s an angel advocating for keeping a demon alive. No matter the reason, the ends should justify the means for him. But they don’t. He is wrong, and Honesty is going to show him what happens to angels who are wrong.

The point of Honesty being legitimate in her grievance is not to make a point about how being anti-authority and breaking the rules is always awesome (although it is), it’s to show that those rules she’s enforcing—even if she is telling the truth—are flawed. The law is unjust, and following an unjust law makes you unjust, and Justice won’t sit idly by and accept it like he’s supposed to. The problem with that is that he’s lower on the hierarchy than God. Literally everyone is. To Honesty, the law being unjust doesn’t matter. Things in life being unfair doesn’t matter. Innocent people dying—like killing a soul along with the demon ferrying it—happens sometimes in the name of the greater good. Tough shit. God said so, and it’s not your place to have an opinion about the word of God. Do as you’re told.

If you haven’t picked up on it already, Honesty is going to be the main vehicle for which I drive my criticism of American Evangelical Christianity. Evangelicalism, if you’re unfamiliar, (and I’ll be paraphrasing) is the sect of Christianity that reads the Bible literally, as if it is without fault, and is the perfect way to practice your faith—it’s called “biblical literalism.” One of their core tenants is to proselytize everywhere, to everyone, to save their souls for the second-coming, which they also fervently believe will happen. They genuinely, honestly believe they are spreading the good word—the word “evangelical” comes from the Greek word for "good news"—and saving lives. Which is also why, if you’ve noticed, that they preach to anyone regardless of interest or religion, treat any rejection of Christianity as a personal attack, and why they have worked to criminalize abortion, deny the theory of evolution, lambast same-sex marriage, and in general push traditional (read: conservative) thinking when it comes to authority and social practices. Obviously, this is a generalization of a very large sect of a very large religion, but if you’ve been paying even a little bit of attention to American politics over the years, this specific type of Evangelical Christian is going to sound familiar. It’s what I aim to critique in Pride & Justice, and I have no problems stating that Honesty will embody this way of thinking.

Now, I bet some of you are wondering why I made Honesty a woman (specifically a white woman, but I don’t have a design to show you). Surely if my goal is to critique the traditionalist views of the Evangelical Christians, surely a man in a position of authority would be more accurate? While I can see that perspective, I’d argue that God is that man in a position of authority here. Honesty is—like a lot of Evangelicals in real life—simply the “innocent” white woman who uses her relative position of power to crack down on anyone she sees as deviant. People often ignore the ways women perpetuate systems of oppression like patriarchy, because women are oppressed within that system. But a lot of the reason that patriarchy persists is by women passing down patriarchal standards in their homes to their families, in classrooms, and in public places. If you want to go deeper, it’s well documented that white women will use their relative status to perpetuate racism, homophobia, and transphobia. Historically, white women have perpetuated anti-Black racism by falsely accusing Black men and boys of rape to get them arrested, beaten, or killed. For a modern example, look no further than the rise of TERFs (Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists), a group that is overwhelmingly made up of white Christian women with traditionalist values fighting against their own self-interests, all in the name of perpetuating transphobia. Honesty represents a real demographic that often gets ignored in the fight against inequality.

I’m not sure I’ll portray Honesty as openly bigoted in the story (she’s not a human, angels don’t really have concepts like gender or race), but she is definitely not a fan of Pride or Justice, and finds the idea that they would ever be in a relationship as at best laughable, and at worst a manipulation. It’s against God, after all, for an angel and a demon to collaborate, much less be in love, so therefore if it’s real it must be destroyed, and if it’s false it must be revealed that it was always a fiction—and therefore destroyed. She is going to try a lot of things to try and get Justice to “see the light" once again, turn him against Pride, and follow-through with her promise to smite him like she intended to before they escaped. All of them will fail, though it will not be without a fight.

Beyond the political stuff, I’m excited to weaponize her inability to tell a lie. It’s really going to add a new flavor to the kind of story I’m able to tell with her, and I think it adds a very cool depth. How do you argue against someone who can never tell a lie? How do you show them they’re wrong, even when they’re technically right, and retroactively make their previous statements untrue? What is the truth, how do you measure it? Is the truth an innate state present in the universe because it’s always been there, or is it a matter of personal perspective?

So, that’s Honesty. Get excited to love to hate her!

Lust

[content warning for emotional abuse, mentioned sexual assault]

Our representative of Hell was genuinely a hard one for me. When I had the idea to create a second antagonist, I knew I wanted whoever it was to be a personal antagonist for Pride. He’s the one with the most emotional baggage that he needs to overcome to let himself be in a relationship with Justice, and the demon crawling out of Hell would obviously only be familiar with him, and couldn’t really have a vendetta against both of them (at least, not at first). Making it Lucifer would be a little much—why would the ruler of Hell care about one demon? I puzzled over the remaining six of the seven sins, debating which one Pride was most likely to have a personal history with, good or bad. Ultimately, I landed on Lust as the one that made the most sense, which made things harder if I’m being honest.

Personally, I despise that lust is even a part of the deadly sins at all. I think that the idea of lust—a real and valid human emotion—being something that eternally damns you is ridiculous and complete bullshit. It necessarily demonizes sex and sexuality as sinful, which has paved the way for a lot more dangerous bullshit, and shunts an entire category of human expression and connection into the Bad Person Slot. Further, I absolutely despise how lust is often portrayed in media—the one, single sexy woman in a conga line of generic looking men in business suits, and of course the one fatphobic caricature for gluttony. I knew if I was going to make Lust-the-character a significant part of my story, I was going to need to do some serious work in portraying it to make it palatable to even myself.

The first thing I did was completely erase the concept of chastity as a virtue. I’ve replaced it with the virtue of passion, something I think better reflects lust on the whole, and I didn’t have any plans to include a chastity angel in the story anyway. Next, I am going to include a plain-text, inescapable, definitive defense of sex and sexuality using the existence of an angel of passion in the story. I already planned to do a subtle exposition dump of Heaven and Hell when Justice is feeling homesick, and that would be the perfect time to bring up something like him being friends with Passion. Probably because Pride was implying that Heaven is all stuffy and no fun. Either way, full and rigorous defense of sex is going to happen, just so everyone is clear about what kind of story this is. And finally, redefining what Lust-the-character actually represents.

Lust is sex doll. The form it chose, and how it presents itself in the story, is as a life-size sex doll, with the addition of smoking horns and a tail like Pride. It does not move its mouth to talk, speaking through telepathy. It can barely move on its own, sitting limp or lying flat, moving in only the barest twitches. If you haven’t picked up on it yet, Lust uses it/its pronouns. It is quite literally a sex object, something that is purpose built for a single-minded, selfish pleasure. It doesn’t matter if Lust enjoys it or not. That’s not the point. The point is that there is this thing that is here for you, and you can do whatever you want.

That’s the kind of lust considered abhorrent and sinful in this story. The kind where you don’t care about, nor even stop to consider, what your partner(s) think. If your sex is not negotiated between all parties, if it isn’t enthusiastically consensual, if you can’t be bothered to take your partner(s) feelings, wants, desires, and pleasure into account, you’re sinning. At best, this makes you a bad sexual partner, using people as sex toys for the sole purpose of getting you off. At worst, you are a rapist.

There are other things people lust for—lust for power is an obvious one. You want to lord over others, to wield your selfishness maliciously, disregarding if and how you hurt others. Generally, though, my version of lust is not about wanting to have sex and then going directly to Hell. In fact, the idea of thoughts = sin is something I’m also getting rid of in this story, but I’ll get into it another time. My version of lust is about being consumed by single-minded desires, including sex, that push you to treat others as disposable. Lust is an object because that’s how people committing this sin view others—tools to be used, abused, and thrown away when they have what they want.

Speaking of “wanting,” what does Lust want with Pride? What is that personal history I hinted at so many paragraphs ago? Well, you may be shocked to find that it isn’t a very nice one.

Like I mentioned in his post, Pride uses his arrogance as a shield to hide the fact that he desperately needs and wants people to like him. As a byproduct of his turbulent past (being rejected by Heaven, burning alive in a river of fire, etc.), he craves the validation of others to tell him that he’s very good and special and the bestest demon guy ever. He’s insecure, put shortly, and will take anything he can get when it comes to attention and/or affection. Enter Lust, who happened upon Pride at the right time, and basically thought, “Oh boy! A body I can exploit!”

There were no real feelings on either side, so what they had wasn’t necessarily a “relationship,” but they were involved, and it was abusive. Lust picked up on the fact that Pride needed validation and decided to make sure he wouldn’t ever be able to get it from anyone else. It berated him for being clingy, insisted no one else would bother putting up with him, and generally fed into the insecurity he tries to hide by confirming it as true. Agreeing that he’s unworthy of the affection he craves so much of, and actually he’s pathetic for wanting so much of it. Ego damaged, Pride would lash out and disappear for a while, but the creeping sense of loneliness from his insecurity would always return. Convinced that Lust was the only way he would ever get attention, he returned to it again and again.

Breaking him down made Lust feel powerful—it had complete control over Pride. No matter how many times he said this was the last time, it knew he would eventually come crawling back. Whereas Pride needs affection to function, Lust needs a power trip.

Eventually, though, Pride stops showing up. This is upsetting for a while, but then rumors start flying around Hell that Pride busted out of Heaven with an angel. And now they’re… living on Earth together? Lust is outraged by this news, in no small part because if Pride never comes back to Hell, it loses a source of its own security. It might lose its hold over him altogether, and that absolutely will not stand. Throughout the story, Lust shows up to try and convince Pride to give up. That whatever he has with Justice won’t last, that Justice will eventually get bored and/or sick of him, that an angel of all things could never possibly tolerate him, much less love him. Some of the other deadly sins show up too, though less persistently, and with a lot less to lose.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I’m toying with the idea of Lust enlisting other demons to find Pride for it, and harass him into coming back to Hell. I didn’t have a reason for any of the other deadly sins show up, but this would give them a purpose: annoying Pride—on Lust’s behalf, probably for some sort of bribe—to make sure he doesn’t think he’s all that just because he shacked up with an angel.

Lust’s role in the story is to serve as a representation of Pride’s insecurity, and the abusive relationship he has with himself sometimes. Pride routinely denies himself the ability to be vulnerable based on his ego and believes he won’t be worthy of love if he is vulnerable. Defeating Lust is a metaphor for him overcoming not just his past abuse, but his feelings of insecurity.

In a weird way, I am excited to write Lust. It’s going to be a creepy-horror-movie-haunted-doll type of character, which is a way I don’t think people expect a “lust” character to act, so I’m interested in seeing everyone’s reactions.

Also, an important note! Lust is not going to be the only it/its pronoun user in the story, I am not unaware of how that looks. I’m still creating all the side characters, but since Justice makes a lot of friends on Earth, I am fully planning on populating the most-seen characters with at least one other it/its user.

Anyway! Those are the antagonists of the story! What do you think? I’d love any and all thoughts!

Thanks as always for your support!

— Annika

#original writing #original fiction #original character #original characters #spilled ink #writers on tumblr #writeblr #writeblr community #annika talks #P&J #Pride & Justice #P&J: Worldbuilding #Honesty #Lust

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brf-rumortrackinganon · 7 months

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I’m team william and kate definitely, but lately I’ve been assessing things to kind of get in the bottom of things and understanding where it all went wrong. I like to be more nuanced in viewing these people. I think some people can get carried away with viewing them in the worst way possible. While I do see Harry and Meghan as very problematic people, I wanna be careful about getting into batshit crazy conspiracies. Reading about all the conspiracies sugars have about kate’s condition opened my eyes a bit. There are a lot of people who hate h&m that actually sound as crazy as the sugars, but the difference is their conspiracies are directed towards h&m instead of w&k.

That being said, all the stuff with Christian Jones and Dan Woottoon seem shady to me, but tbh I don’t really fully understand what everyone’s been saying lol. But tbh, if Christian Jones asked Omid for Finding Freedom excerpts in order to bury the affair rumors, I don’t think that’s throwing Meghan under the bus exactly. We all know from the Jason Knauf emails that Finding Freedom was viewed by the KP comms team and Harry and Meghan as a way for them to correct narratives, so using excerpts from Finding Freedom to bury the affair rumors is like using positive Meghan stories to bury rumors about William that may or may not be real. So in a way, Christian Jones was just doing his job in a hitting two birds with one stone kind of thing by protecting two of his bosses in different ways. Idk, does that make sense?

It does, you make a lot of sense.

Scobie's issue seems to be two-fold:

He isn't as objective in his reporting of the royal family as he claims to be. Which is fine - everyone has a bias and a perspective that influences the way we see and interpret things. Where Scobie gets into trouble is by telling us he's completely objective, but not ID'ing who his sources are and telling us to "just trust me" instead.

He's right there in the thick of everything going on. To use a Superb Owl analogy, Scobie can only see the linebacker right in front of him, while we're up there in the sky box with a vantage point to see all the players, all the refs, all the coaches, and we're getting the commentary and analysis.

Both of these go hand-in-hand and affects how Scobie sees things. His experience of being welcomed by the Sussexes while being pushed away by the Cambridges, and similarly seeing the Cambridges push the Sussexes away at the same time, makes him more sympathetic to the Sussexes. He's more inclined to see things through their eyes because he has the same experience. And again, there's nothing wrong wtih that. It's human nature to bond over shared experiences. Where Scobie takes it too far is by refusing to consider other explanations, especially ones that are outside what he saw for himself. Maybe he doesn't see them because he's right there in the thick of things, or maybe he sees it as spin from the opposing side.

I do think you're doing the right thing, anon, to take a more critical approach to royal-watching. Royal-watching, like all hobbies and fandoms, is a spectrum that runs the gamut from toxic extremes to indifferent neutrality. Figuring out how you like to look at these things and doing the work to find where you fit in on the spectrum can make it a little more enjoyable, because then you're around more like-minded people and the discussions and the conversations are more open, especially and particularly when you disagree.

I like nuance too (in case you haven't figured it out yet) and I like looking at things critically. For me, the world has more colors than black and white, and there are more options than a binary either/or solution. I admire the people whose convictions are so strong that everything fits neatly into an either/or model, but I know I could never be like that. I'm too fascinated by "well, if I turn my head this way and if I sit down and I squint, does it change anything?" And sometimes it does. It's why I like reading the royal books; sometimes I learn new things that change how I think. For instance - Sally Bedell Smith's 2017 book on then-Prince Charles changed my perspective on Charles. Scobie's chapter on race in Endgame made me see that he does genuinely care about the firm needing to look like the people it serves and he isn't only doing it for the headlines or because he's in Meghan's pocket - and if that makes me a sucker, so be it.

#ask #endgame

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vethbrenatto · 2 years

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favorite cr c3 character?

For a while it was pretty solidly Ashton, but now I'd say I'm evenly split between Ashton, Chetney, and Fearne.

(Apologies for long ass answer)

Ashton is just such a fascinating character, I've been drawn to them since the beginning. Like many Taliesin characters, they have a superiority complex, or at least a sense that they have a better understanding of the world than others, and yet, they also show true compassion and care for their allies. I think the Laudna/Ashton conversation from last Thursday is a top 5 moment from this campaign so far for me, and that's mostly due to Ashton. The way that Taliesin portrayed it in Ashton being completely real with Laudna but only under the caveat of being drunk and letting their raw emotions shine through. And then to cover it up with "Oh, I don't remember, I was drunk" and have Laudna shut it down. I'm fascinated by some of their statements "I know loneliness you don't, I know the truth of people that none of you do." Not statements that I think are true, but statements I deeply want to understand more from their perspective.

Chetney is very within the mold of characters I tend to like. I'm drawn to comic relief characters that have more depth than they appear to at the surface (Grog & The Gnomes in C1, Veth in C2). Maybe this character wasn't intended to be that deep at its inception but became that way via roleplay and organic growth through the campaign, ala a Scanlan. I think Travis plays Chet in a wonderfully comedic way, while also never letting us doubt that they're not just there to be the haha funny grandpa. I also love someone finally playing something different on the age spectrum. D&D races can literally live hundreds of years- why is every adventurer in their 20s-30s (or at least in the equivalent of that for their race like the gnomes in C1)? Much like Veth, I enjoy the ability to more deeply analyze and look into a character that much of the fandom my pigeonhole into a small box or being "just one thing."

Fearne is a delight for me because truly, it just shows that Ashley Johnson Has The Range. Pike was looks like cinnamon roll, could kill you. Yasha was looks like she could kill you, is a cinnamon roll. Fearne is sort of another looks like a cinnamon roll, could kill you but in a COMPLETELY different way than Pike. I have been ITCHING for someone to play Fey and Ashley is tackling it so beautifully. The sideways morality, the impulsiveness. That is a HARD thing to pull off as a player, it's taking your better instincts of "No, that's not smart, that's a bad idea" and going "My character would do this, regardless of potential consequences." While I'm not that attached to Orym, I think Fearne's relationship with Orym is fascinating. Because of their EXU connection, she so clearly has a fondness and attachment to him that exceeds her connection with anyone else in the group and I think it's with an intensity that most others can't match. If push comes to shove, I feel she would prioritize him not just over everyone, but in spite of everyone- I think in connection to her Fey-ness, there's this sense of "This is my person" that goes above and beyond others who also have a person. It's why in the Laudna/Orym res, regardless of the coin flip (which is not me saying I think Ashley cheated it), I was confident Orym would be res-ed. It's why on Thursday despite her care and hesitancy to go up against Imogen, when Orym asks, "Are you with me?" The no hesitation answer is "Always." It's intense in a way that I don't even think is reciprocated- Orym of course loves and prioritizes her, but I think there's an intensity in the way that Fearne cares about Orym that's unmatched and that to me is fascinating. A very, who and how many would you throw in harm's way to save this one person situation.

#ask #anonymous #bells hells #critical role #cr spoilers

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farfromdaylight · 6 months

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some thoughts on the first couple hours of ff13, after picking it up for the first time in a decade

it's fun how much the party 1) doesn't know each other and 2) doesn't like each other! it's very different for a JRPG for the party to just NOT get along to this degree. the only people out of the initial 5 who even know each other are lightning and snow, and lightning has VERY good reason to dislike snow on the outset. the rest are just complete strangers! it's such a fun dynamic.

the dialogue does a perfectly fine job of explaining what l'cie are. like, they explicitly tell you multiple times. fal'cie is a little more murky, but even then, it's not hard to figure out.

that said, the opening is pretty slow in both story and gameplay. not having any magic makes sense for the world, but it makes the game very dull to play for a good 90 minutes. i think if it was remade today they'd streamline it a lot more, because while it's a fine tutorial, there are genuinely too many encounters before you actually get your magic powers.

hope's motivation is pretty thin from the beginning, tbh. watching your mom get killed and being understandably upset about it is perfectly serviceable as a motivation, but then hope runs into snow and doesn't confront him right away. i actually think hope is written quite well, better than i remembered — he comes across as an emotional teenager rather than someone making logical, rational decisions. but if you don't give the character that grace i can understand finding him frustrating.

snow is almost intolerable. i'm really leaning hard on the memory that i liked him a lot more in lightning returns, because he is so fucking annoying in the opening here. calling yourself a hero when there's absolutely no evidence of you being one (and in fact clear evidence that you're NOT a hero) is just obnoxious. also, snow's friend group just comes across as a bunch of weirdos than characters i want to know more about.

vanille is also a weirdo, but at least i know that's wholly intended. i really like the subtle touch of her already having 3 ATB bars when you get to play her initially.

the overall choice to start the game where it does makes sense from a gameplay perspective — it's where the fighting actually starts — but weakens the overall narrative, IMO. FF13 begins in medias res and leans hard on the fact that there were 13 days of prior events that culminated in the Purge... but since the player has no knowledge of all this and a lot of the background isn't immediately clear, it makes for a harder sell. i personally very much enjoy the storytelling in this game, but i can understand why others don't. it requires you to put the narrative together as you go.

once you actually get your magic powers, the game takes off like a rocket. the gameplay remains SO much fucking fun. it's a fascinating evolution of turn-based combat and it works SO well. i do remember how long it'll be until i have 3 party members again, and that part of it is a drag, but the actual combat is so enjoyable i hardly mind.

the game still looks gorgeous. i'm playing on steamdeck and am frequently amazed at how good it looks. obviously the FMVs are still incredible, but the ingame models look SO far ahead of their time, to say nothing of the environments. (also, the fact that i can play a PS3/360 game on handheld and have it Just Work is like magic to me.)

there are so many save points! this is hardly important, but it's making me laugh because i really didn't remember there being a save point around every corner. it's certainly convenient, though!

i don't know how much of it i'm going to play — i'm really supposed to be playing new games right now, not replays — but at the same time i've had SUCH a good time revisiting it that i may carry on for a while yet. we'll see!

#ff13 liveblog #ffxiii #still more fighting

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africanmorning · 7 months

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This didn't happen very recently, but at some point within the past couple years I finally managed to see the first episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender, and man was that a huge perspective shift for me.

See, I've already seen pieces of ATLA before. When I was a kid, someone gushed to me about how good the show was and showed me a couple random episodes completely out of context. I hated it on sight, for pretty much all the same reasons I hated most other children's media at the time. If you had asked me then, I would have simply said that I thought the show was stupid. But after some time, I realized that no amount of "stupidity" explained the resentment and sheer anger that these shows, including ATLA, created in me at the time. The problem wasn't that the shows were "stupid," the problem was that the shows were fun.

Fun was not something I got to experience a lot of in my childhood. If I had to pick out a single, most defining aspect of it, I'd probably say either "anxiety" or "loneliness." For as long as I can remember, I knew that I had a lot of expectations that I needed to meet, and mistakes were not tolerated. You could say that I was a "high-performing, very well-behaved" child.

So, imagine, then, how I felt watching TV shows where the kids were silly, goofed off, and made bad choices that often resulted in nothing more than a slap on a wrist—all portrayed with a casual air of "These are children! This is what childhood is like!" Can you understand how infuriating that was to someone like me? To be shown, as far as I was concerned, a fake, fanciful lie? A lie that I was sure was even making my life worse, because it must be convincing children and adults that children are irresponsible fools, and if more adults knew that children could be responsible, and smart, and obedient . . . then maybe they would treat me better.

Over time, I grew less judgmental of ATLA and shows like it, but I was still pretty confident that it simply wasn't "for me."

The irony of this is not lost on me. Though I still haven't watched ATLA proper, from what I've heard about the show since, I was probably the exact kind of kid that many of the messages were intended for.

The problem?

Of the episodes I had seen, Zuko either was not in them, or played such a minor or out-of-context role that I learned nothing about him.

So, when I was in my mid-twenties, finally seeing Zuko in episode one as my roommate watched it in our shared living space, I was fascinated.

THAT was the character I had needed. THAT was the character I understood. Someone who had been molded into something unloveable. Someone who had no more power over it than wet clay has over the potter's hands. Someone who, deep down, knew this wasn't the right way to be, the way they wanted to be, but to be anything else would be to become destroyed. That was huge.

Because. Yeah. In retrospect, I was a fucking asshole as a kid, at least to other kids. But looking back, I also know that it was the only way I could be. In my isolation, it was the only thing I knew. And even then I knew that I was fucking up. I just didn't know how to change it. And once I finally got exposed to a wider world, saw that there were other possibilities, I did change. A lot. But it took a long time, and it was hard, because the same changes that would have won the approval of my peers, made me a better part of society, would have also destroyed me at home. The same things that made me unloveable also made me survive. I don't think I can explain the confusion I had for the longest time when interacting with other children. It went something like, "How can you be that way so openly, so happily, when I cannot? What is so different between you and I, that the same things that bring you joy could only ever cause me pain?" Even now, that unloveability still follows me. I once saw someone say that loneliness is self-fulfilling because others can sense the loneliness on you and are repelled by it, and I'm inclined to agree. It's no one else's fault. Of course they would be repelled by someone like me, who either clings so much that it's suffocating, or becomes so afraid of clinging that I become aloof and unreachable.

Anyway. Zuko is relatable, and seeing him has really recontextualized the entire series for me. It's kind of a relief, really. I know he gets a redemption arc, and I don't think a lot of characters I relate to in this way do. I've been holding on to those kinds of messages lately—the ones that tell me that I might have a future. Though, man, I wish I'd had an Uncle Iroh like he did, to hold my hand through everything and help me get to that better place in the end. Maybe things wouldn't be so hard now.

#avatar the last airbender #atla #personal story #holding on to my bf who loves me very much #and the friend who invited me over to play games in his apartment #and my coworker who said that i'm one of her favorite people she works with #and my other coworker who said that she's saved all of the artwork I've shown her in a folder on my phone #and my roommate who keeps sendinv me memes unprompted #and the friends i've made online #and the people i play ttrpgs with #and the little sister who told me she needs me around because i'm the only one who understands #all is not lost #maybe i can build something from this

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shuxiii · 1 year

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Everyday pt. 9

Hanni Pham x reader pt1, pt2, pt3, pt4, pt5, pt6, pt7, pt8, pt9, pt10, pt11, pt12, pt13

a/n yall ask for a daerin crumb but ill apologize in advance teehee, credits ''every day'' by David levithan

Day 6007

I wake up the next morning in Beyoncé’s body.

Not the real Beyoncé. But a body remarkably like hers. All the curves in all the right places.

I open my eyes to a blur. I reach for the glasses on the night-stand, but they’re not there. So I stumble into the bathroom and put in my contact lenses.

Then I look in the mirror.

I am not pretty. I am not beautiful.

I’m top-to-bottom gorgeous.

I am always happiest when I am just attractive enough. Meaning: other people won’t find me unattractive. Meaning: I make a positive impression. Meaning: my life is not defined by my attractiveness, because that brings its own perils as well as its own rewards.

Shim Ja-yoon’s life is defined by her attractiveness. Beauty can come naturally, but it’s hard to be stunning by accident. A lot of work has gone into this face, this body. I’m sure there’s a complete morning regimen that I’m supposed to undergo before heading into the day.

I don’t want to have any part of it, though. With girls like Yoon, I just want to shake them, and tell them that no matter how hard they fight it, these teenage looks aren’t going to last forever, and that there are much better foundations to build a life upon than how attractive you are. But there’s no way for me to get that message across. My only course of rebellion is to leave her eyebrows unplucked for the day.

I access where I am, and discover I’m only about fifteen minutes away from Hanni.

A good sign.

I log on to my email and find a message from her.

Yn,

I’m free and have the car today. I told my mom I have errands.

Want to be one of my errands?

I tell her yes. A million times yes.

Yoon’s parents are away for the weekend. Her older brother, is in charge. I worry he’s going to give me a hassle, but he’s got his own things to do, as he tells me repeatedly. I tell him I won’t stand in his way.

“You’re going out in that?” he asks.

Normally, when an older brother asks this, it means a skirt is too short, or too much cleavage is showing. But in this case, I think he’s saying I’m still dressed as the private Yoon, not the public one.

I don’t really care, but I have to respect the fact that Yoon would care—probably very much. So I go back and change, and even put on some makeup. I’m fascinated by the life Yoon must lead, being such a knockout. Like being very short or very tall, it must change your whole perspective on the world. If other people see you differently, you’ll end up seeing them differently, too.

Even her brother defers to her in a way I bet he wouldn’t if she were normal-looking. He doesn’t blink when I tell him I’m going out for the day with my friend Hanni.

If your beauty is unquestioned, so many other things can go unquestioned as well.

The minute I get into the car, Hanni bursts out laughing.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” she says.

“What?” I say. Then I get it.

“What?” she mocks me. I’m happy she feels comfortable enough to do it, but I’m still being mocked.

“You have to understand—you’re the first person to ever know me in more than one body. I’m not used to this. I don’t know how you’re going to react.”

This makes her a little more serious.

“I’m sorry. It’s just that you’re this super hot pretty girl. It makes it very hard for me to have a mental image of you. I keep having to change it.”

“Picture me however you want to picture me. Because odds are, that’ll be more true than any of the bodies you see me in.”

“I think my imagination needs a little more time to catch up to the situation, okay?”

“Okay. Now, where to?”

“Since we’ve already been to the ocean, I figured today we’d go to a forest.”

So off we go, into the woods.

It’s not like last time. The radio is on, but we’re not singing along. We’re sharing the same space, but our thoughts are spreading outside of it.

I want to hold her hand, but I sense it wouldn’t work. I know she’s not going to reach for my hand, not unless I need it. This is the problem with being so beautiful—it can render you untouchable. And this is the problem with being in a new body each day—the history is there, but it’s not visible. It has to be different from last time, because I am different.

We talk a little about Jiwon; Hanni called her house a second time yesterday, just to see what would happen. Jiwon’s father answered, and when Hanni introduced herself as a friend, he said that Jiwon had gone away to deal with some things, and left it at that. Both Hanni and I decide to take this as a good sign.

We talk some more, but not about anything that matters. I want to cut through the awkwardness, have Hanni treat me like her boyfriend or girlfriend again. But I can’t. I’m not.

We get to the park and navigate ourselves away from the other weekenders. Hanni finds us a secluded picnic area, and surprises me by taking a feast from the trunk.

I watch as she picks everything out of the picnic hamper. Cheeses. French bread. Hummus. Olives. Salads. Chips. Salsa.

“Are you a vegetarian?” I ask, based on the evidence in front of me.

She nods.

“Why?”

“Because I have this theory that when we die, every animal that we’ve eaten has a chance at eating us back. So if you’re a carnivore and you add up all the animals you’ve eaten—well, that’s a long time in purgatory, being chewed.”

“Really?”

She laughs. “No. I’m just sick of the question. I mean, I’m vegetarian because I think it’s wrong to eat other sentient creatures. And it sucks for the environment.”

“Fair enough.” I don’t tell her how many times I’ve accidentally eaten meat while I’ve been in a vegetarian’s body. It’s just not something I remember to check for. It’s usually the friends’ reactions that alert me. I once made a vegan really, really sick at a McDonald’s.

Over lunch, we make more small talk. It’s not until we’ve put away the picnic and are walking through the woods that the real words come out.

“I need to know what you want,” she says.

“I want us to be together.” I say it before I can think it over.

She keeps walking. I keep walking alongside her.

“But we can’t be together. You realize that, don’t you?”

“No. I don’t realize that.”

Now she stops. Puts her hand on my shoulder.

“You need to realize it. I can care about you. You can care about me. But we can’t be together.”

It’s so ridiculous, but I ask, “Why?”

“Why? Because one morning you could wake up on the other side of the country. Because I feel like I’m meeting a new person every time I see you. Because you can’t be there for me. Because I don’t think I can like you no matter what. Not like this.”

“Why can’t you like me like this?”

“It’s too much. You’re too perfect right now. I can’t imagine being with someone like … you.”

“But don’t look at her—look at me.”

“I can’t see beyond her, okay? And there’s also Minj. I have to think of Minji.”

“No, you don’t.”

“You don’t know, okay? How many waking hours were you in there? Fourteen? Fifteen? Did you really get to know everything about her while you were in there? Everything about me?”

“You like her because she’s a lost girl. Believe me, I’ve seen it happen before. But do you know what happens to people who love lost girls? They become lost themselves. Without fail.”

“You don’t know me—”

“But I know how this works! I know what she’s like. She doesn’t care about you nearly as much as you care about her. She doesn’t care about you nearly as much as I care about you.”

“Stop! Just stop.”

But I can’t. “What do you think would happen if she met me in this body? What if the three of us went out? How much attention do you think she’d pay you? Because she doesn’t care about who you are. I happen to think you are about a thousand times more attractive than Yoon is. But do you really think she’d be able to keep her hands to herself if she had a chance?”

“She’s not like that.”

“Are you sure? Are you really sure?”

“Fine,” Hanni says. “Let me call her.”

Despite my immediate protests, she dials her number and, when she answers, says she has a friend in town that she wants her to meet. Maybe we could all go for dinner? She says fine, but not until Hanni says it’ll be her treat.

Once she hangs up, we just hang there.

“Happy?” she asks.

“I have no idea,” I tell her honestly.

“Me either.”

“When are we meeting her?”

“Six.”

“Okay,” I say. “In the meantime, I want to tell you everything, and I want you to tell me everything in return.”

It’s so much easier when we’re talking about things that are real. We don’t have to remind ourselves what the point is, because we’re right there in it.

She asks me when I first knew.

“I was probably four or five. Obviously, I knew before that about changing bodies, having a different mom and dad each day. Or grandmother or babysitter or whoever. There was always someone to take care of me, and I assumed that was just what living was—a new life every morning. If I got something wrong—a name, a place, a rule—people would correct me. There was never that big a disturbance. I didn’t think of myself as a boy or a girl—I never have. I would just think of myself as a boy or a girl for a day. It was like a different set of clothes.

“The thing that ended up tripping me up was the concept of tomorrow. Because after a while, I started to notice—people kept talking about doing things tomorrow. Together. And if I argued, I would get strange looks. For everyone else, there always seemed to be a tomorrow together. But not for me. I’d say, ‘You won’t be there,’ and they’d say, ‘Of course I’ll be there.’ And then I’d wake up, and they wouldn’t be. And my new parents would have no idea why I was so upset.

“There were only two options—something was wrong with everyone else, or something was wrong with me. Because either they were tricking themselves into thinking there was a tomorrow together, or I was the only person who was leaving.”

Hanni asks, “Did you try to hold on?”

I tell her, “I’m sure I did. But I don’t remember it now. I remember crying and protesting—I told you about that. But the rest? I’m not sure. I mean, do you remember a lot about when you were five?”

She shakes her head. “Not really. I remember my mom bringing me and my sister to the shoe store to get new shoes before kindergarten started. I remember learning that a green light meant go and red meant stop. I remember coloring them in, and the teacher being a little confused about how to explain yellow. I think she told us to treat it the same as red.”

“I learned my letters quickly,” I tell her. “I remember the teachers being surprised that I knew them. I imagine they were just as surprised the next day, when I’d forgotten them.”

“A five-year-old probably wouldn’t notice taking a day off.”

“Probably. I don’t know.”

“I keep asking Minji about it, you know. The day you were her. And it’s amazing how clear her fake memories are. She doesn’t disagree when I say we went to the beach, but she doesn’t really remember it, either.”

“Soobin, the twin, was like that, too. He didn’t notice anything wrong. But when I asked him about meeting you for coffee, he didn’t remember it at all. He remembered he was at Starbucks—his mind accounted for the time. But it wasn’t what actually happened.”

“Maybe they remember what you want them to remember.”

“I’ve thought about that. I wish I knew for sure.”

We walk farther. Circle a tree with our fingers.

“What about love?” she asks. “Have you ever been in love?”

“I don’t know that you’d call it love,” I say. “I’ve had crushes, for sure. And there have been days where I’ve really regretted leaving. There were even one or two people I tried to find, but that didn’t work out. The closest was this girl Danielle.”

“Tell me about her.”

“It was about a year ago. I was working at a movie theater, and she was in town, visiting her cousins, and when she went to get some popcorn, we flirted a little, and it just became this … spark. It was this small, one-screen movie theater, and when the movie was running, my job was pretty slow. I think she missed the second half of the movie, because she came back out and started talking to me more. I ended up having to tell her what happened, so she could pretend she’d been in there most of the time. At the end, she asked for my email, and I made up an email address.”

“Like you did for me.”

“Exactly like I did for you. And she emailed me later that night, and left the next day to go back home to Maine, and that proved to be ideal, because then the rest of our relationship could be online. I’d been wearing a name tag, so I had to give her that first name, but I made up a last name, and then I made up an online profile using some of the photos from the real girl’s profile. I think her name was Haerin.”

“Oh—so you were a girl?”

“Yeah,” I say. “Does that matter?”

“No,” she tells me. “I guess not.” But I can tell it does. A little. Again, her mental picture needs adjustment.

“So we’d email almost every day. We’d even chat. And while I couldn’t tell her what was really happening—I emailed her from some very strange places—I still felt like I had something out there in the world that was consistently mine, and that was a pretty new feeling. The only problem was, she wanted more. More photos. Then she wanted to Skype. Then, after about a month of these intense conversations, she started talking about visiting again. Her aunt and uncle had already invited her back, and summer was coming.”

“Uh-oh.”

“Yup—uh-oh. I couldn’t figure out a way around it. And the more I tried to dodge it, the more she noticed. All of our conversations became about us. Every now and then, a tangent would get in there, but she’d always drag it back. So I had to end it. Because there wasn’t going to be a tomorrow for us.”

“Why didn’t you tell her the truth?”

“Because I didn’t think she could take it. Because I didn’t trust her enough, I guess.”

“So you called it off.”

“I told her I’d met someone else. I borrowed photos from the body I was in at the time. I changed my fake profile’s relationship status. Danielle never wanted to talk to me again.”

“Poor girl.”

“I know. After that, I promised myself I wouldn’t get into any more virtual entanglements, as easy as they might seem to be. Because what’s the point of something virtual if it doesn’t end up being real? And I could never give anyone something real. I could only give them deception.”

“Like impersonating their girlfriends,” Hanni says.

“Yeah. But you have to understand—you were the exception to the rule. And I didn’t want it to be based on deception. Which is why you’re the first person I’ve ever told.”

“The funny thing is, you say it like it’s so unusual that you’ve only done it once. But I bet a whole lot of people go through their lives without ever telling the truth, not really. And they wake up in the same body and the same life every single morning.”

“Why? What aren’t you telling me?”

Hanni looks me in the eye. “If I’m not telling you something, it’s for a reason. Just because you trust me, it doesn’t mean I have to automatically trust you. Trust doesn’t work like that.”

“That’s fair.”

“I know it is. But enough of that. Tell me about—I don’t know—third grade.”

The conversation continues. She learns the reason I now have to access information about allergies before eating anything (after having been nearly killed by a strawberry when I was nine), and I learn the origin of her fear of bunny rabbits (a particularly malevolent creature named Swizzle that liked to escape its cage and sleep on people’s faces). She learns about the best mom I ever had (a water park is involved), and I learn about the highs and lows of living with the same mother for your entire life, about how no one can make you angrier, but how you can’t really love anyone more. She learns that I haven’t always been in Maryland, but I move great distances only when the body I’m in moves great distances. I learn that she’s never been on an airplane.

She still keeps a physical space between us—there will be no leaning on shoulders or holding hands right now. But if our bodies keep apart, our words do not. I don’t mind that.

We return to the car and pick at the remains of the picnic. Then we walk around and talk some more. I am astonished at the number of lives I can remember to tell Hanni about, and she is amazed that her single life bears as many stories as my multiple one. Because her normal existence is so foreign to me, so intriguing to me, it starts to feel a little more interesting to her as well.

I could go on like this until midnight. But at five-fifteen, Hanni looks at her phone and says, “We better get going. Minji will be waiting for us.”

Somehow, I’d managed to forget.

It should be a foregone conclusion. I am a seriously attractive girl. Minji is a typically jerk.

I am hoping that Hanni’s theory is right, and that Yoon will only remember what I want her to remember, or what her mind wants her to remember. Not that I’m going to take this far—all I need is confirmation of Minji’s willingness, not actual contact.

Hanni’s picked a clam house off the highway. True to form, I confirm that Yoon doesn’t have any shellfish allergies. In truth, Yoon has tricked herself into thinking she’s “allergic” to a number of things, as a way of narrowing down her diet. But shellfish never hit that particular watch list.

When she walks into the room, heads actually turn. Most of them are attached to men a good thirty years older than her. I’m sure she’s used to it, but it freaks me out.

Even though Hanni was concerned about Minji having to wait for us, she ends up coming ten minutes after we do. The look on her face when she first sees me is priceless—when Hanni said she had a friend in town, Yoon was not what she pictured. She gives Hanni her hello, but she’s gaping at me when he does.

We take our seats. At first I’m so focused on her reaction that I don’t notice Hanni’s. She’s receding into herself, suddenly quiet, suddenly timid. I can’t tell whether it’s Minji’s presence that’s making this happen, or whether it’s the combination of her presence and mine.

We’ve been so wrapped up in our own day that we haven’t really prepared for this. So when Minji starts asking the obvious questions—how do Hanni and I know each other, and how come she hasn’t heard about me before—I have to jump into the breach. For Hanni, fabrication is a ruminative act, whereas lying is a part of my necessary nature.

I tell her that my mother and Hanni’s mother were best friends in high school. I’m now living in Los Angeles (why not?), auditioning for TV shows (because I can). My mother and I are visiting the East Coast for a week, and she wanted to check in on her old friend. Hanni and I have seen each other off and on through the years, but this is the first time in a while.

Minji appears to be hanging on my every word, but she isn’t listening at all. I brush her leg “accidentally” under the table. She pretends she doesn’t notice. Hanni pretends, too.

I’m brazen, but careful with my brazenness. I touch Hanni’s hand a few times when I’m making a point, so it doesn’t seem so unusual when I do it to Minji. I mention a Hollywood star that I once kissed at a party, but make it clear that it was no big deal.

I want Minji to flirt back, but she appears incapable. Especially once there’s food in front of her. Then the order of attention goes: food, then Yoon, then Hanni. I dip my crab cakes in tartar sauce, and imagine Yoon yelling at me for doing so.

When the food is finished, she focuses back on me. Hanni comes alive a little and tries to mimic my movements, first by holding her hand. She doesn’t move away, but she doesn’t seem all that into it; she acts like she’s embarrassing Hanni. I figure this is a good sign.

Finally, Hanni says she has to go to the ladies’ room. This is my chance to get her to do something irredeemable, get her to see who she truly is.

I start with the leg move. This time, with Hanni gone, she doesn’t move her leg away.

“Hello there,” I say.

“Hello,” she says back. And smiles.

“What are you doing after this?” I ask.

“After dinner?”

“Yeah, after dinner.”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe we should do something,” I suggest.

“Yeah. Sure.”

“Maybe just the two of us.”

Click. She finally gets it.

I move in. Touch her hand. Say, “I think that would be fun.”

I need her to lean in to me. I need her to give in to what she wants. I need her to take it one step further. All it takes is a yes.

She looks around, to see if Hanni is near, and to see if the other guys in the room are seeing this happen.

“Whoa,” she says.

“It’s okay,” I tell her. “I really like you.”

She sits back. Shakes her head. “Um … no.”

I’ve been too forward. She needs it to be her idea.

“Why not?” I ask.

She looks at me like I’m a complete idiot.

“Why not?” she says. “How about Hanni? Jeez.”

I’m trying to think of a comeback for that, but there isn’t one. And it doesn’t even matter, because at this point, Hanni returns to the table.

“I don’t want this,” she says. “Stop.”

Minji, fool that she is, thinks she’s talking to her.

“I’m not doing anything!” she protests, her leg firmly back on his side of the booth. “Your friend here is a little out of control.”

“I don’t want this,” she repeats.

“It’s okay,” I say. “I’m sorry.”

“You should be!” Minji yells. “God, I don’t know how they do things in California, but here, you don’t act like that.” she stands up. I steal a glance at her slight flush ears and see that despite her denials, my flirtation did have at least one effect. But I can’t really point it out to Hanni.

“I’m gonna go,” she says. Then, as if to prove something, she kisses Hanni right in front of me. “Thanks, baby,” she says. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She doesn’t bother saying goodbye to me.

Hanni and I sit back down.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her again.

“No, it’s my fault. I should’ve known.”

I’m waiting for the I told you so … and then it comes.

“I told you that you don’t understand. You can’t understand us,” she says.

The check comes. I try to pay, but she waves me off.

“It’s not your money,” she says. And that hurts just as much as anything else.

I know she wants the night to end. I know she wants to drop me off at home, just so she can call Minji and apologize, and make everything right with her again.

#Hanni x reader #Hanni Pham #Pham Hanni #Hanni Pham x reader #newjeans #newjeans fanfic #hanni pham #new jeans #nwjns #NewJeans Imagines #Newjeans imagine #Newjean Fanfic #NewJeans Fanfic #newjeans fic #newjeans imagine #Newjeans x reader

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bookdragonofsomekind · 7 months

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*****Manga Monday 03*****

Tokyo Ghoul Volume 3

Summary:

Meet Kaneki who has discovered a new evil in his world. The doves are ambitious, clever and completely ruthless when it comes to their duties. It gets harder and harder for Kaneki to draw the line between good and evil. The doves are protecting human society but they also killed the innocent Ryouko in front of her daughter. What’s right and wrong? Is it wrong for Touka to protect Hinami?

Questions that Kaneki doesn’t know the answer to…

Poor Kaneki

New characters you will meet in this volume:

Ruisawa

Ippei Kusaba

Nakajima

Ayato

Kie Muramatsu

Quotes I particularly liked:

"I’ll change that. This world is wrong" - Amon

"Feeding time" - Kaneki

"Don’t make me a murderer" - Kaneki

"Is it okay for me to live…?" - Hinami

My thoughts:

Kaneki is different than the other ghouls around him. And slowly but surely it shows. Not only in his confusion and acceptance of himself as ghoul but also in a scientific way. Only one eye transforms, he regenerates not as fast as other ghouls and now we also learned that he does not have the same high RC- Factors than the others. He therefore is invisible for the human technology so far. He literally has a green card for both sides (even if he smells like a woman in one of those worlds). But, and that is the important part, Kaneki chooses not to stay invisible. We see him crossing his own morals for the first time and actively hurting people to rescue the ones close to his heart. And he does it in his ghoul form while still being human. Being himself. Even though he has some minor problems with the aftermath of his actions. If you haven’t guessed it… im talking about the fight of Kaneki vs. Amon. That’s what this volume is all about. Showing us the reality of what happens when ghouls and doves join a meeting together. The extremes both will go to! But I also have to say that we see two types of fights going on in front of us. And I find it to be an interesting parallel. On the one side you have Kaneki and Amon doing their worst. Physically and verbally. They’re both talking and trying to convince the other one of their perspectives. Kaneki now standing on the ghoul side. A shocker for himself. The fascinating thing is that they are actually listening to each other. Having even some understanding for each other (not much but some).

On the other hand you have the fight between Touka, Hinami and Mado. They are also fighting. And yes also physically and verbally. And yes they are also listening to each other. But understanding is a thing that does not happen. Take Touka who is so so hurt of everything what humans,or should I better say the doves, have done to her (and her family?) that she can’t think straight when a dove hurts one of her own. She only sees one possible way to deal with this situation and protect the ones who are still there. Revenge. And she would risk everything for it. Even herself. And she can’t let loose. The others pain is her pain. And by her way of protecting she accidentally endangers others. Take Kaneki who had more than luck not to be discovered by the technology of the doves or Hinami who because of the attack prior to the doves from Touka is now being hunted. She means good but does harm. She can’t control herself. She is a loose cannon. And therefore reminds me of Mado. I could imagine that Mado once was like Touka and that Touka has the potential to become just like Mado.

Mado is absolutely brilliant, mad and dangerous. And long long gone. He also gives himself to his cause. He is a hunter and collector of rare trophies. He is beyond revenge. He is unreachable. With no clear thought or basic reasoning. He himself is not only collecting the most deadly weapons but he has become the deadliest. And tragically he is not able to wield it anymore. Touka and Mado are screaming, yelling and riling themselves up to see each other loose control.

And poor Hinami is in the middle of all of it. The one everyone (on the ghoul side) wants to protect but simply can’t be, because Hinami sees herself as guilty. Should she be alive? Does she deserve to live? Can she even survive in this harsh reality? When she sees Mado she does not seek out revenge. She realises that that won’t bring her parents back or take her pain away. It only hurts. Hurts so much. And when she sees how cruel and vile Mado is, by recognising Mado's weapon as her mothers and fathers kagune even then she doesn’t go further then protecting Touka from his attacks. She would have let Mado kill her. And she would also be dead if it wasn’t for Touka finally reaching for "her" revenge.

One detail that I found pretty interesting was the marriage band of Mado on his attached hand. I don’t believe that he is still married. The guy is way beyond saving (mentally). But what I could imagine is that he was married and lost his partner to a ghoul accident and that’s also why he went mental. Maybe for him revenge turned into obsession. I mean the guy would have done anything to get his hand(s) on Hinami as a future weapon. Speaking of being head over heels.

Going back to Amon whom I mentioned earlier. I believe him to be a very tragic character. Right from the start we did not see him happy once. All he seems to send into the universe is misery. He definitely has some burden to carry. Personally we still don’t know what exactly happened in his past. Sure he lost some people in his life but I don’t think they were that close to him. But Amon seems to have a gift. Empathy. He is full with it. We see it at the memorial. How he treats the stranger who has just lost his colleague. And of course when Mado dies and Amon finds him (I pretty much doubt that Mado would have showed the same empathy if the roles would have been reversed). That’s also why I believe that he was able to listen and understand Kaneki. Sure he also was confused. Kaneki is not you’re average ghoul. First holding back, not even using his kagune. Amon did not even believe that he was an actual ghoul. Then of course Kaneki had to fight for real but he did something that I think no ghoul has ever done to Amon. He showed mercy. And that exactly planted something in Amon. And I don’t think that Amon likes that. It’s nice to see the world in black and white. It’s easy to find his way around and to draw lines without crossing them… even easier. But now he has a problem. A problem he is not alone with. But I doubt that Kaneki will help in the near future (but I hope so). I could imagine that Amon and Kaneki could one day fight for the same cause or at least at each others sides.

This volume we have been blessed again with the presence of Yomo. Yomo being the lifebelt for Kaneki after he looses control of his ghouls side. Attacking Yomo as a consequence. But Yomo apparently doesn’t mind. In general… Yomo gives me good uncle vibes. He is the one you call when you need a ride home from a party because you couldn’t hold your liquor. A place to feel safe without much judging.

I’m glad that Mado is gone. Don’t get me wrong he was an interesting first villain but I didn’t see a chance for him to survive if Hinami was suppose to live. Mado is a bloodhound that doesn’t let loose. And maybe it gives Touka some kind of closure. But I don’t think so. But what I do hope is that Hinami actually got through to Touka. Maybe seeing how Hinami hurt differently than Touka, it could give Touka a wake up call. But than again… we still don’t know exactly what happened to her but we get to know someone from her past. Ayato. Who he is I don’t know. But he left Touka. Of his own free will. That must have hurt differently. Kaneki has also done some work on himself. He now seeks to find his place in the world. He recognised his power or rather said his influence on Amon and that got him thinking… maybe he is really part of both worlds. We shall see. But still for that to happen he needs to get control of the ghoul inside him. And a nutrition plan.

The last chapter was a nice edition and showed the loss for Amon that Mado is. Amon was his student. He learned so much from him. I think they were partners for four years and this time Amon learned a lot from him. I have to say that Mado was crazy yes. But he was a great mentor. One of the best. That’s why Amon now is one of the best as well… so Mado's legacy lives on.

Little by little we get more and more details about how the doves work and function. It seems to be a huge network that includes the humans as "spies". They have really good technology to identify ghouls and their weapons are recycled and deadly.

I think prior to this post I said that Uta and Yomo were my faves so far. Please put Amon on this list aswell. I like him pretty much (not only because of his sportsplan) but for the potential future I mentioned earlier. I can see "good" things coming our way (maybe not for him… or anyone). But I think that’s it for this volume! I will see y’all next Monday! Bye bye

Please leave your thoughts and be kind and don’t spoiler anything!

Thank you for taking your time!

Please feel free to discuss your thoughts, I would like to hear them!

I will see you in a week with a new volume!

#book review #manga #reading #sui ishida #tokyo ghoul #book #ken kaneki

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valerileygreen · 4 months

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have you ever entertained the idea of arthur and eames discovering bane/Blake universe (could be seeing the movie by themselves or could be a dream of a client who happens to be a batman fan) and realising their attraction to each other by seeing how they are attracted to each other’s bodies? ;)

Hi darling Dee!

This is a deceptively hard question, at least if you go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out how something like this can actually happen, like me 😂

Anyway, the shorter, simpler answer is: of course they find their, uh, counterparts super hot, and in terms of attraction realization I think it may help more Arthur than Eames. Because Eames has been aware of Arthur's physical attractiveness ever since day one (we all saw his lingering gazes during inception after all), if anything this just served as confirmation that it wasn't just the suits and how Arthur presented himself, but just HIM as a whole that he finds attractive. For Arthur it was a real moment of truth, because more often than not Eames doesn't look like Eames inside dreams, and when they are topside Eames' outfits often capture all his attention, being so colourful and not always exactly flattering for Eames' figure. So Bane allowed him a real, shall we say insight 😏, on what's underneath the paisley.

As I said, I tried to come up with various scenarios this kind of thing could happen, and I have to admit that it simply being a movie they're watching doesn't appeal to me much, mostly because I can't see something like this happen with people who look similar but aren't them. BUT there are other options I find intriguing.

1.A proper alternate universe where different versions of them exist. I have no clue how they would come in contact with them, but considering we're in a world where a device exist allowing people to share dreams, I suppose someone inventing some kind of portal to other worlds isn't outside the realm of possibilities.

Here they would interact with their each other's double, and I find that so fascinating, because it allows them to explore different sides of their companion. This is someone who shares the same soul but leads a completely different life, someone who has different scars and thus has learned different masks.

i imagine Eames bumping into Blake may even be hilarious at first, before Eames realizes this isn't his darling, not exactly, since he would have a police uniform and is in fact a cop. And Blake would have trouble connecting Eames to Bane so maybe he would try to understand what the hell is happening and then help, and they would become allies. And slowly some things are revealed and, though they belong to Blake, help Eames put some things he observed about Arthur into perspective, and now he finally feels like he understands him more, and what was simply superficial attraction becomes more.

Arthur's side of things I see as a bit more dramatic. Maybe Bane captures him believing he's the officer who's becoming so dear to his arch-enemy, and Arthur tries to reason to him and fight him while also trying to understand the situation he's found himself in. And at some point during a discussion/interrogation Bane would come up right to his face, and Arthur could see his eyes and recognised him as Eames, and it was a shock. It took a bit but eventually he worked out that it wasn't really Eames (and maybe it's because he saw Talia/Mal alive, and God the potential angst is killing me, but I digress). He tried to reason with him for a while but then changed tactics. He wasn't Eames but his core was the same, and he knew Eames, and somehow he got Bane to open up a bit (I'm hazy on the details, sorry) and empathized with him and how much he suffered, and basically realized that maybe there was more about Eames than the mask he presented to people too. That maybe his distance and flippancy, his (apparent) carelessness and defensiveness and disregard for others in favour of himself (apart from a few select people he feels so deeply loyal to he's ready to lay off his life or even suffer in constant excruciating pain for) stem from some deep hurt in his past, though on a smaller scale than Bane. So Arthur resolved to try and be more open himself, so to gain Eames' trust on a more personal level and get to know him better.

2. The other scenario takes place in a dream. Their client is obsessed with Batman and so the dreamscape is Gotham. Eames as Bane does his speech (and here Arthur gets a just a little bit distracted), but later he lands himself in Limbo while playing the Bane character, and thus gets stuck as him and builds the place as Gotham as well. Arthur obviously follows him down there to get him back and has to keep play Blake, at least at first, to find him and then get closer to him, saying things about his character first to relate to Bane and that world better. And then he starts throwing here and there little crumbs of their true life, and at some point towards the end Arthur manages to break Eames out of his forgery. Maybe during a battle Arthur gets hurt and Eames screams after him using his real name and he gets frantic, but then Arthur tells him not to worry, that it's going to be alright, and if he trusts him, and at Eames' assent Arthur stabs him too. And when they wake up they embrace really tightly in relief and Arthur says he's glad he got him back. And well, after such an intense experience things between them can't possibly stay as professional friendly rivalry as before.

#arthur x eames #inception #ask

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