#understanding the world from a completely different perspective is just. fascinating to me

[gothkurusu]

adore the concept of Voldemort (and Harry) having different biological needs thanks to their parseltongue. Voldemort of course having the strongest traits but even before his resurrection having a clear difference in how he is from others

stronger sense of smells, more sensitive to temperature, a functioning Jacobson organ, changed vocal chords to allow them to actually speak parseltongue beyond imitation of mere words

also i just think that if it truly is a hereditary trait, that it would make sense it changes biology, plus my personal opinion that understanding parseltongue would rely just as much on pheromones as spoken words, considering how much snakes communicate through smell

[valeriehalla]

I am so utterly fascinated by “Saki”, the 18-year-running mahjong manga in which you, the reader, become gradually, frog-boilingly aware (over the course of nearly two decades’ worth of mahjong tournaments) that none of these girls are wearing underwear and most of their boobs are slowly expanding.

I need you to understand that I have, like, an anthropological level fascination with this comic. From the perspective of someone who is also a comic artist and writer, two things delight me about it:

the fact that I understand completely how an artist gets from “the fans can have a little hint of skirted asscheek” to “the pussy is completely out on center page” over the course of 18 years; and

the way in which the pussy being out is treated by the characters and diegesis as being utterly unremarkable.

Okay. Point 1. The frog-boiling.

Let me put this in perspective for you. There was already a meme about how the characters in “Saki” don’t wear underwear when I was in middle school. I am thirty now. Okay? And it’s still going.

In the time since, this has stopped being a joke. It is now indisputable canon. This is not because anyone outright says it at any point. It’s because the underwear ran out of places to hide. I’m obsessed with this thought: somewhere in the over 20 volumes of “Saki”, there is a panel in which underwear was objectively deconfirmed. And it would be so hard to figure out where that panel actually is. Maybe the artist didn’t even realize it when she drew it! The frog? Boiling!!

And of course there is also the breast expansion. I don’t know how to put a spin on this. They are just expanding. Like, this happens a lot with artists: you define a character as being, in your mind, “the one with the big boobs”, and over the years you emphasize that trait further and further so that the signal doesn’t get lost in the noise. It’s just that normally—in like a wildly popular manga series about mahjong published by literally Square Enix, for example—normally there would be a point at which the boobs stopped getting bigger. Like, an editor would step in or something. Or you would get to the point where you cannot draw the character in the same panel as her mahjong tiles without her breasts spilling over the tiles, and you’d go, “Well, this is now untenable.”

That did not happen. There is no ceiling. The frog is soup.

Point 2. The complete and utter mundanity of all of this.

It’s like this, okay: there’s no shortage of trashy ecchi manga out there. There’s a million other comics doing wildly bawdier things with wildly more improbable bishoujos.

The vibe with “Saki” is different.

It’s hard to explain this, but it feels like the world of the comic is fundamentally uninterested in the fanservice happening on the page. I cannot describe it as “leering”, because I cannot conceive of a person in the story from whose point of view one would leer. I think the artist is probably into it—I can’t imagine anyone is making her do this—but “Saki” the comic has no opinion on the matter.

There are essentially no male characters in “Saki”. Like, there was one guy? Kind of? At the very beginning? But he is gone now. They put him back in the toybox. He does not exist. It appears to be some level of canonical that in the world of “Saki”, almost all humans are women. Those women are sometimes romantically into each other. According to comments the artist has made on Twitter (which I cannot source), they have lesbian baby technology, so it’s no problem. It’s so much not a problem that the story is about mahjong, instead of any of that.

So, like, the fiction here appears to be this: this is the, like, meta-narrative of the fanservice of “Saki”, right: it’s just normal that they don’t wear underwear and their boobs are arbitrarily big. It’s been normal. It was normal before the story of the manga began. It’s just how things are. Nobody bats an eye about it, and if they do, it’s in sort of a lesbian kind of way so like what’s the problem, we love lesbians here. This is literally normal for girls.

The fanservice simply diffuses into this all-encompassing aura of disembodied, ambient sluttiness. The framing of the panels demands you acknowledge it, and the story demands you already be over it, because it’s mahjong time now, and we’re playing mahjong.

Do you get??? why I’m so fascinated??? Are you not a little enraptured???

Anyway, I have no idea how to end this weird post. I guess the conclusion is that women stay winning????

[perfectlyoongi]

SUGAR-DADDY!YOONGI who contacted you just to see if this was a life he was willing to live. Yoongi was no stranger to this concept and type of relationships; always being aware of what was going on around him, the arrival of this term came up carefully, planting a small seed of curiosity in him. Yoongi read stories, listened to reports, tried to understand if that fascination he felt was something more than that – he was a curious man, no one could deny that, so what was wrong with him contacting you and expressing all his doubts? “i’m not used to any kind of relationship. that’s why this experience goes beyond the sugar daddy-sugar baby relationship. if you have patience, i promise i will make your wait worth it.”

SUGAR-DADDY!YOONGI who takes you to see the stars at the highest points in the city. Yoongi treated you with care. so new to this minefield of relationships and human interactions, Yoongi made a point of offering you all the kindness his turbulent heart could allow. as such, on the clearest nights, when the sky provided you with an ethereal landscape of pure hope and huge dreams, Yoongi took you with him. on top of a small hill, in the tallest building in the city, it didn’t matter where it was. when the stars called him, Yoongi held your hand in fear and made you forget the world. “i don’t force you to go. but i would like you to come with me. i always saw myself at night, you know? i always felt artificial with someone else’s shine being reflected back at me. but now with you… no, forget it. just come, will you?”

SUGAR-DADDY!YOONGI who doesn’t know if he should touch you, but he knows he won’t want to let go. your smile was charming. your eyes were captivating. your lips were alluring. you were fascinating. as he looked at you, Yoongi felt a small nervousness creep up his neck, whispering in his ear that he should touch you. but, could he? Yoongi had all your limits memorized from day one, and he knew that you let him, that you gave him permission, for him to touch you. but even so, when the moment invited him and anxiety caressed his heart, Yoongi always thought twice before acting. “i really need to know if you’re okay with all of this. because, when my hands fit into yours, there will be nothing in this world that will make me let go of you.”

SUGAR-DADDY!YOONGI who finances the beginning of your empire. whether it was a line of cosmetics or a simple website, it didn’t matter. you could need millions or just five euros, there was no difference to Yoongi. ever since he met you, Yoongi felt safe, comfortable, you almost made him believe that he was worthy of your attention - and he knew it was a manufactured relationship, that you were almost forced to nod and agree with him, but Yoongi never felt more complete than from the day he met you. as such, he just wanted to repay you for all the satisfaction you provided him, after all he always liked to spoil you, to see the way your eyes sparkled when you received a gift, or how his words sounded sweeter when he surprised you. . so, what better proof of his gratitude than funding your dream? “i have already transferred the money to your account, you should receive it tomorrow. but let me know if it’s enough, okay? there is no bad money spent when it is spent on you and your dream.”

SUGAR-DADDY!YOONGI who likes to see you distracted in the moonlight. Yoongi liked being with you during full moon nights. when he saw you sitting on his bed, playing with the sheet that covered you, a small smile on your lips as you regained your breathing, Yoongi felt something he couldn’t decipher. your back was facing Yoongi, your smooth skin being blessed by the strong light of the moon; your lips formed a perfect smile as your gentle fingers created small designs on Yoongi’s white sheet. from that perspective, after you gave yourself to him and assured him that you weren’t going anywhere, Yoongi could only admire you. carefully, always afraid of touching you, of hurting you, Yoongi liked to run his slender fingers along your back, making you involuntarily straighten up and gently turn your face towards him. absorbed in this vision, completely lost in your divinity, Yoongi held you by the neck, the little strength he used being enough to expand your smile and, without exchanging any words, without breaking that sublime silence, Yoongi gently kissed you, guiding you towards a new adventure alongside him.

SUGAR-DADDY!YOONGI who pays e v e r y t h i n g. there was nothing in this world that Yoongi couldn’t buy for you. you want that house right by the beach? it’s already in your name. a trip to Rome with your friend? tickets can be picked up tomorrow. you need to go to the moon to take a deep breath? Yoongi would personally take you there and wait until you were ready to return. everything you wanted, everything you needed. it was something very common in these relationships between sugar-daddies and sugar-babies, but Yoongi made everything much more special. it was unnecessary for you to say that you wanted that wallet, or how much you wanted to go see that play. Yoongi got to know you. being by your side for so long Yoongi could see in all your expressions and omissions what you really needed. money, clothes, house rent, even a simple chocolate from the gas station. when Yoongi told you everything, he really meant everything. there was nothing in this world that could stop Yoongi from loving yo—

SUGAR-DADDY!YOONGI who maybe shouldn’t have said that word. no. he didn’t want to say that. you have to understand that Yoongi was a person who had difficulty expressing his feelings. what he meant was that there was nothing in this world that would stop him from treating you well. because you made him feel good. that was it, there was nothing else. you have to believe in him. Yoongi knew perfectly well that your relationship was based on exchanging affection in different ways – that was why he had chosen you among so many other. Yoongi knew perfectly well that all the nights you spent with him, caressing the skin that no one saw, kissing the spots that no one knew existed, all your caresses and all your kisses were contractual. Yoongi didn’t want to say that, Yoongi didn’t want to love you. he simply… “i’m sorry, i said it without thinking. don’t pay too much attention to what i said. i think we both know how bad i am with words. just… don’t be scared. don’t go away. please…”

[coldzonkprofessorturtle]

An Affair to Remember

Alright, let's get into Affair the Series, which has been giving me brainrot the past few weeks so feels like a good time to get into an analysis of why I find it so fascinating. Eventually I'd love to do a deeper dive into Thai GLs and that industry (that's a whole other thing though) but after having seen my share of them (Gap, Show Me Love, TSOU, The Loyal Pin) I've really found myself falling into the rabbit hole with Affair the Series and the way it depicts friendship, love, and acceptance.

Deep dive below and also thank you gif makers for your work 🙏🏽

(also will go over events from episodes 1-5, so spoilers ahead if not up-to-date)

So first off, I have read the novel, which is the first time I've finished one of those for a GL and quite frankly, the translation wasn't that great but the story still came through. I won't refer to it much and will base this on the show as I think they've done a fantastic job with the adaptation and fingers crossed continue to do so.

Where in most GLs the core conflict is external. The main couple can't be in love typically due to familial/cultural pressure or a man interfering (that still exists to an extent here) the main conflict in Affair is simply that Wan and Pleng love each other too much but they do so in different ways.

When we meet Wan and Pleng they're 17 years old and have spent their entire lives together. They're sisters but not and while Wan seems to have a social circle, Pleng really has no other friends outside of Wan. The spoiled rich girl and the maid's daughter. Couldn't be more different if they tried and yet by circumstance their lives are as intertwined as it gets.

At 17, they have different ideas for their futures. Pleng is musically talented, wins every contest and is financially set. She can live the life she wants. If she wants to be a musician then so be it. Her parents love and support her and there's no pressure. Wan on the other hand has an overbearing mother (and a resentful father), no prospects for her future but at least she has Pleng.

Despite her parents, Wan loves wholly and openly. She knows she loves Pleng and while she doesn't yet know it she does know that Pleng loves her too. I would argue that Wan truly knows herself, which is why she comes across as so self-assured in their younger years. She's slowly trying to guide Pleng to understand herself too.

Pleng, however, has never had to sit with her emotions in the same way. Take this as differences of personality, class and upbringing. Now that they're 17 and entering adulthood, Pleng has to start engaging with the world (and her emotions) rather than hiding behind the rich, insular lifestyle she's had up to this point.

As the idea of boyfriends comes up, Pleng starts to lash out. She's jealous, she's pushy but really she's just in love with her best friend and doesn't know it. Everything starts happening too fast. Wan meets a boy at an art gallery, Aunt Wi pushes Pleng to help Wan get with Ek, Pleng's dad is extremely stressed and she doesn't know to what extent and throughout that Pleng is dealing with her feelings that for some reason just won't go away. Feelings that Wan keeps bringing up in her over and over.

Pleng is a mess. She doesn't know how to connect with her peers, she knows something is wrong with her dad, she sees that Wan is seemingly moving forward in a way that she's not (dating a boy) and whether she realizes it she continues to isolate herself.

From Wan's perspective she couldn't care less about dating Ek. She's already completely devoted to Pleng (in ways that Pleng doesn't even know).

They're 17, hormonal, gay, and incapable of seeing each other's perspective. Wan wants Pleng to let her in. Pleng can't help but push everyone away.

As soon as Pleng starts to really come to terms with her feelings about Wan. That's when everything falls apart. Her dad kills himself, her mom goes into cardiac arrest, all of her family's assets are seized and she's now orphaned and staying with Wan's parents who clearly and vocally have no space for her. Pleng who was already struggling to find her footing before that fateful night now has absolutely nothing to stand on.

The break point is when Pleng finds out about Wan's academic achievements and that Wan had been hiding that truth about herself their entire lives. Wan has always been intelligent and capable but hidden herself behind a veil of ineptitude. Wan in loving Pleng puts her on a pedestal to her own detriment. She has no issue blighting her own light so that Pleng can shine but from the moment we meet 17 year old Pleng in the show we see her pushing Wan to better herself. Wan thinks loving Pleng means her own success doesn't matter whereas Pleng loves Wan and all of her potential.

They both love each selflessly but while Wan would burn the whole world to keep Pleng warm, Pleng loves Wan despite her own existence. So when Pleng leaves she writes,

"Your parents will feel at ease. And you'll finally get to live your life as your true self... I know you love me but I also want you to love yourself. And be proud of who you are."

For Pleng, her leaving is the ultimate way to show her love to Wan. A clean break. She runs away so Wan can thrive but here's the thing Wan needs Pleng to keep her grounded. Pleng does too but she can't see it at this point. Too much has happened and so, in her desperation she removes herself. She is her father's daughter after all.

So when 13 years pass and Wan has spent that entire time holding on to whatever she can to keep herself close to Pleng (becoming a doctor, riding a bike to work, marrying Ek, separating herself from her parents); Pleng has become a ghost of herself. Wan has imbued herself with all the things she thinks/knows Pleng would like while Pleng is stuck in a cycle that she can't get out of: play music, make a bit of money, pay rent, rest, repeat.

Pleng never reaches out to Wan because why would she? Her loving Wan means staying away and on top of that there's a sense of shame of what her life has become.

So when they finally meet again it's too much. Wan is successful but she's still clearly in love with Pleng and while it was all Wan's doing, in a way her success is a direct result of Pleng's influence. In removing herself, Pleng slowly begins to realize not just that she took Wan's smile with her but the why and how. Wan's changed and devoid of the joy and innocence that Pleng loved most.

They slowly fall back into their natural rhythms but Pleng still can't accept her own presence in Wan's life. Wan is back to pushing (albeit more aggressively then before - time was wasted) and in pushing Pleng, Pleng pushes back. If they take their relationship that one step further, what then? What if it falls apart? Why not just stay in a cycle where nothing shifts? What if there's another ringing shot in the distance and everything changes in a moment?

If there's one core trauma to Pleng as a character it's her desperation to not feel like a burden to anyone. Especially Wan. And then she finds out that Wan (though separated) is still married to Ek and she can't accept that she could have ruined Wan's potential happiness. Not understanding that Pleng herself is Wan's happiness. Pleng feels like a disruption because at the root of it the thing she wanted above all for Wan, "I also want you to love yourself. And be proud of who you are" is not something that Pleng accepts for herself.

I'll leave it there and hope the show navigates the situations that are about to come as well as they have so far but kudos as Affair manages to oh so gracefully skirt what could otherwise be an incredibly toxic relationship. Somehow they manage to give these two characters so much grace despite their flaws. And truly that's also a huge credit to Sonya and Lookmhee's abilities.

It's chaotic and messy but in coming back together these two might just realize that's how they both best shine.

[intermundia]

I'm a different anon, but your answer to that person, about how we all have our own perspectives and such, got me curious if you wanted to talk about your favorite things about Anakin? I really like how he has this earnest passion in everything he says and does, no matter what the consequences are. He lets his instincts and heart influence what actions he takes. I think you could say the same about Obi-Wan too to a degree, but I think Obi-Wan errs to keeping his emotions/intentions concealed until he has the best advantage he can get. And I think that this sort of "two sides of the same coin" contrast between them is part of what makes the ship appealing. Anyway, yeah, I wanted to know what you enjoy about Anakin ^^ And that other anon too, if they want to send another ask about their feelings/thoughts

Oh man, what a question. You've activated my trap card. Anakin Skywalker is possibly my favorite character of all time. It's endlessly fascinating to read stories about him, and writing him allows me to articulate the messy, painful, thwarted parts of myself. He's half my brain, and Obi-Wan is the other half, and resolving their differences brings me deep catharsis.

Everything you said about him is so true, his earnest passion is so deeply appealing. Obi-Wan called him passionate, fearless, forthright, and he is the embodiment of those traits, but he's flawed too, and flawed in ways I feel in my bones, and regrets the same things that I regret. He's so beautiful and so damned, a fallen and risen angel, you know?

Stover wrote that the brightest light casts the darkest shadow. He ends up at just the nadir of cruelty and violence, but he begins from a place of pure generosity and light. His intentions were so good, and he was so impossibly brave. It seems like arrogance, that cocky assurance of what he was capable of, but the universe bends around him to fit his will.

He's more than human, he's half-divine, a mirror and barometer of the entire galaxy's mood. His life is coextensive with the rise and fall of an empire, his personal tragedy from greed is both archetypal and relatable, and he is the scaffolding the narrative rests inside. Luke is the hero of the story but Anakin is the embodiment of the world he strives against.

He is painfully earnest and a liar, a villain and a victim, naive and jaded, brilliant but foolish, perfect and deeply flawed. It's so easy for me to understand why he was so beloved. He's absolutely the other side of Obi-Wan's coin, the heart to Obi-Wan's head, the passion to his reason, the instinct to his experience. The Team together is one complete and fully realized being, separation means incompleteness and disaster.

Vader is just one of the most iconic villains of all time, and Lucas defied all expectations in the prequels. He used his character to tell a cautionary tale about greed rather than give excuses for why he became such a monster. He is intentionally shown to be so generous and kind as a boy, handsome and daring as a man, with infinite wasted potential for good, it's incredible.

Idk man, I like him and I love him, I hate him and I want him; he's one of the best characters of the modern age.

[pestilentbrood]

VERY long Ramble incoming

honestly now that I'm looking at the auraboa lore situation, I'm just disappointed. There was such POTENTIAL in the idea of the Loop and the horror of a new generation inexplicably being disconnected from it, forcing the newly hatched children into a world totally separate from that perceived by their parents (I mean, hell, they perceive TIME differently!).... but then the writer(s?) just fell ass backwards into Icky Tropes.

I feel like I can see what the idea was, especially with the recent alterations to the Encyclopedia entry... It seems like staff fundamentally understands the true Horror potential here, but... Instead, through the short story, they proposed it through the lens of a condescending outsider character, turning the fears of the older generation into something trivial. And also weirdly demeaning the Auroboa's situation by portraying them as overreacting.

Why... why would you do that? Like, from a storytelling perspective? What's gained from that? Why not embrace the true horror and even Emotional significance of that disruption? Why instead go for "ohh we NEED outsider help we NEED to be saved because we are so helpless and it is so Silly that we, creatures who have never experienced such things, do not know what sleep is"????

And if they WANTED to have a condescending outsider, I feel like they COULD have done that, but it would have to have that character realize the horror at some point. And make it obvious that their attitude towards distressed parents and children facing Eldritch Shit and the Sudden Deconstruction of it was not cool!

(or at the very least be a bit more...idk. Consistent with said outsider character? Juniper just goes from "omg I am so honored that the fascinating creatures of the behemoth have chosen me to speak to" to "oh their wasting my time because they don't know what sleep is. I'd rather be sleeping!! 🙄" like girl... c'mon now. Why are we trivializing it like this. Do you want me as the reader to be invested in their plight or not.)

I mean come on. They're beings connected through one networked hivemind-like system, yet each still maintains a silver of individuality that allows them to move freely throughout the Behemoth that they care for. And they've got an eldritch understanding of time that no other dragon could understand. They're seeing the future, past, and present unfold simultaneously. They're witnessing the birth and death of the world at the same time, and have no way to communicate it to other dragons. The best they can do is maintain their home, and even then, they see its roots spread and decay all at once.

And then the newest generation is suddenly disconnected. An inherent link between parent and child and all dragons in-between, that has existed since the creation of their species, is just suddenly GONE for the newest births. With NO explanation for it. The children have no easy way of communicating with their parents. The children are experiencing time in a way that was not meant for their species. They've forcefully been shoved into a circadian rhythm that they are Not! Built for!

The only way a parent could communicate properly with their child would be when the latter is sleeping, something that is also completely foreign to this species. It would be terrifying for all involved!!!

They are literally experiencing eldritch horror from the perspective of the eldritch being forced into the mortal.

Like why WOULDN'T there be panic!!! And why would that panic be trivialized! Why are we only shown the perspective of an outsider who looks at this situation and goes "Oh the silly tree beasts are being so silly over nothing, it's no big deal!"

That and the way the auraboas talk to outsiders. Like. There was such potential there. Real opportunity to explore how ancient, time-bending beings would communicate to someone who couldn't even BEGIN to understand the intricacies of it.

Instead we got what feels more like baby talk (even described as though they were hatchlings enunciating their first words, which... I dunno man, maybe we don't want to compare them to children like That) and less like... Beings that experience all of time at once. I mean, the hatchlings and the adults speak the exact same way, and that doesn't make any sense given the literal time barrier going on.

I totally get why people thought there was just a language barrier and that auraboas had their own language, thus causing the disjointed speak, and not that it was because They Do Not Experience Time Like We Do. And I feel it would've been far easier to get it across by just... I dunno. Do anything else?? I saw someone on here suggest they speak in the "wrong" tenses, or using multiple tenses in the same sentence, which I think would've been far more clear.

Like, as opposed to "saplings wilt! saplings silent!" just "the saplings will wilt in silence, they've wilted in silence, they are wilting silently." Said all at once like all things are true simultaneously. And if we're going for hivemind, have each auraboa speak in a different tense, all at the same time, and have them switch it up every time. Have our outsider get confused and be like "which is it? are they wilting now, or have they already wilted?" and the cluster of auraboas respond in a cacophony of yes's, no's, and maybe's all at once.

Would've probably gotten across the "alien" vibe they were supposedly going for far better than wide-eyed desperation for an outsider's guidance conveyed through disjointed, in-world described as baby speech.

And also maybe would've had less accidental connotations. Because as it stands, I completely see why people have made the connections to the real world where they have. This doesn't read like eldritch timey-wimey intrigue, or even a respectful look at how younger generations can become detached from their families' cultures over time and the struggles that come with it. It reads like a culture being perceived by an ignorant outsider who (despite supposedly respecting these dragons) scoffs and rolls their eyes because the tree beasts with their funny words are being silly again, and that Hey, isn't it actually a great thing that the children are fundamentally different in all manners now? Because now they can join the rest of us in the "real world."

Yknow. Ick.

(I Personally think it would've been better to have the perspective be one of the Auraboas themselves, especially one of the children, to really understand what was going on here. Give us the full brunt of the mind of a creature experiencing all of time interwoven as one shape. The waters fall and the oceans crash with waves. They've now fallen to drought. The ocean has yet to be born. Caves have been carved out through the waters' currents. And when I break from this timeline, I open my eyes to see a child, the child not yet born, the child born now, the child born yesterday. Why can't I hear it? Why couldn't I hear it? Why won't I ever hear it?)

I dunno. People more qualified than me to speak on this matter have already torn the lore apart, I'm just... dropping my own two cents. Potential got weirdly squandered and we ended up instead with unfortunate implications and tropes that could be connected a liiiittle too awkwardly to irl situations.

*Also, before anyone points out: Yes, I know the hatchlings aren't COMPLETELY detached from the Loop and can join it when they sleep. But the fact is, these thangs never had to sleep before. That wasn't in their species' nature. So that's still weird and foreign for them on both sides. And since the hatchlings now have a circadian rhythm, they can't stay connected to the loop permanently. And also Also, seeing as the previous generations aren't experiencing time linearly, who's to say they even recognize when their child joins the loop? They'll speak with an echo of their child when that child was last asleep ages ago, not knowing that it's not them presently, because there is no 'present' for the older generations.

[knockknockitsnickels]

For Equality (#Women), here's a Princess tierlist (already did a voices one). I was hesitant to make one bc all of the princesses are different facets of my beautiful wife whom I adore, but I also love to yap so let's do it. Full disclosure I like all of them a lot for different reasons so these rankings are based almost entirely on vibes. For the sake of brevity I'm gonna be counting unique chapter 3s alongside their respective chapter 2s and counting the shared chapter 3s separately. I know that makes no sense but c'mon there's like 22 of these ladies

EDIT: I completely missed Razor!!! 😭 I'm sorry babygirl. Updated to add her.

Spectre/Princess and the Dragon: Spectre my beloved. My most anticipated route after playing the demo, and she met all of my expectations. The themes of forgiveness in her route are wonderful, I love how reluctant she is to hurt you, even when you deliberately antagonize her. Princess and the Dragon was also great - getting to see from her perspective feels so fitting I'm surprised it wasn't in the original game, and the moment of quiet you get just chatting with her was a delight.

Nightmare/Moment of Clarity: One of the most tragic characters in the game. I adore the way Shifty's description of her completely recontextualizes the route, taking Nightmare from a quirked up lil villain to just a sad person trying to find a connection after being rejected. Another wrinkle is that no matter what route you take - whether you get Wraith, M.O.C, or set Nightmare free - there's not really a way to give her the connection she wants. I got M.O.C for the first time via choosing to stay with Nightmare, not wanting to release her after she admitted to wanting to destroy the world, but recognizing she just wanted a friend. After the vision she shows us, I felt bad for what I chose - I wanted to apologize to her, but there were no options left.

Prisoner/Cage: First princess I ever got, hence subject to first-princess bias. I've already talked a lot about how much I love her in another post so I won't repeat myself, but she truly is the 3rd best Princess in the game.

Fury: My babygirl It's really hard to write about why I love this girl so much. I've talked about it a bit before, but there's a special kind of horror in how you destroy Fury's original sense of identity (whether you got there via Adversary or Tower), and how upset she is by what she becomes. I think she also ties in really well with the overarching themes of the game. Her insistence that you are not your body and her desperation for you to understand her (in one route destroying herself in the process) remind me a lot of what Shifty has to say in the final fight.

Adversary/Eye of the Needle: My lovely wife whom I adore, my bestest friend. Adversary is such a fun and underrated character, her respect and genuine care for the player is so good AND she's hot. Eye of the Needle is also extremely underrated, her dialogue during the Shifting Mound fight - especially the variation when you free her - honestly gets me a lil emotional.

Wraith: A star, she's done nothing wrong, she is a girlboss and she is slaying. I've already written a bit about how tragic her route is & how I think she's one of the best shared chapter 3s in how she changes depending on the context, so instead i will say: banger design.

Witch/Thorn: Yeah im basic. Thorn was something I was hoping for basically as soon as I realized I couldn't get through the game without hurting the Princess, and it really met my expectations. Witch is a fascinating character - she's so desperate for revenge she'll end up destroying herself in the process, yet despite reveling in how awful she believes the two of you are, her chapter 3s show there's a part of her which wants to reconcile with you.

Damsel/Happily Ever After: Damsel on her own I found to be a pretty funny route - Smitten's dialogue, her happily agreeing to end the world, & Narrator suffering throughout the whole route makes it a lot of fun. Honestly even the more unsettling moments like the deconstructed Damsel are kind of funny - like OK I think it's fascinating thematically (we're trying to help her by asking what she wants but in questioning the only desire she knows we strip her personhood away), but also her turning into an anime doodle is hilarious I'm sorry. Despite that, there is this underlying, deeply uncomfortable horror to the whole route which comes to the surface in HEA and Burned Grey (we'll get to her). HEA is genuinely the most tense I've ever felt playing this game lmao. I think she adds a lot to Damsel - she gives her another dimension of personhood, and whether you choose to pursue it or not, I think the route feels incomplete without it.

Razor: Hilarious, showstopping, spectacular. Her route is a lot more lighthearted than the others, which helps her stand out and can be a nice break on some of the rougher playthroughs. It's hilarious that she was originally going to be a bit more sinister - I'm glad BTG made the best decision anyone has ever made and changed her to her current version. There's also some interesting stuff going on with her thematically, esp in how she parallels Stranger she stole Stranger's ch 3 that's why she's the only route with 4 chapters and how she kind of flips the script on the player and so the slain becomes the slayer. Also, I just love the concept behind her design - her exploding into the perfect woman a knife monster is something I will never forget. She probably has some of the same problems with linearity as some of the routes I talk about later (you're always going to see almost the exact same 4 chapters, after all) but there's enough variation in dialogue and outcome to make me always happy visiting my dear friend Razor.

Stranger: I love her but she's probably one of the routes I replay the least, just because it always plays out the same. Either way, I love the lil peak behind the curtain her chapter gives us, and I love getting to reunite with her & having a real conversation for the first time if you get her as the heart princess.

Tower/Apotheosis: God forbid women do anything. Pristine cut really did wonders for her - honestly in hindsight I think part of the response to her might have had to do with how brief both of her Ch 3s could be. Getting a chance to see (both via Apotheosis & Fury) how much she clings to to her divinity adds a lot to her character.

Wild: Wild really hits different after all of the tension in Beast & Witch. I'm not sure how intentional this was, but I like how both of the no-knife princesses (Beast & Witch) have ch 3s where there's an option to reconcile. I'm guessing the devs knew players would probably eventually be forced to backstab the princess & wanted to give them a chance to make things right? Either way, I love she. The dissonance between the peaceful atmosphere of this route & her desperation to stay together makes this one of the most anxiety-inducing routes in the game.

Drowned Grey: Extremely cool design, extremely cool environment, I love the whole "widow/bride" thing the two greys have going on, unfortunately her route is extremely short & linear. I think part of my trouble with the greys is I don't entirely understand how anyone would get them naturally lol. You stabbed the prisoner? Jail for you. Jail for 100 years.

Burned Grey: My thoughts on her are basically identical to my thoughts on the Drowned Grey but she's lower because I think Drowned Grey looks cooler. Sorry bestie.

Beast/Den: She's one of the most horrifying princesses to me, which is probably part of why I try to avoid getting her route, lol. The themes of dehumanization & the way she's reduced to a base instinct of wanting to consume you just so she can be "whole" again freaks me out. Also the part where she rips you in half & is like "lol oops" is so funny. Legend.

[getvalentined]

What’s your opinions of the various ffvii compilation games?

Oh I am a huge proponent of the Compilation as a whole; I know that opinion is rare for someone who's been in the fandom from the beginning, but I'm an insufferable lore gremlin and I just eat up everything the series has to offer. I have three different copies of Advent Children (the original on DVD, ACC on DVD, and ACC on blu-ray) and even still watch Last Order on occasion.

The series itself is really fascinating and staggeringly consistent (I've talked about how the implied timeline of the Jenova Project as presented in-game is so consistent that it matches up with real-world human gestational science), with the exception of the FF7Re series—which I can deal with, since it's canonically on a different timeline and therefore any retcons there are literal in-universe retcons, which is pretty brilliant.

That said, I'mma put ratings for the pieces of the Compilation individually under a cut!

OG FF7: 9/10. would be 10/10 if the English localization were better. Where it all started, still one of my favorite games of all time.

Advent Children (+Complete): 8/10. Not a game, but part of the Compilation! Anyone who says the plot makes no sense doesn't realize that they're watching a sequel that relies very heavily on people understanding the history and characterization of every single character shown.

Last Order: 6.5/10. Also not a game, also part of the Compilation. Love that this is implied to literally be Tseng's coverup of what happened with Zack, presented in anime form. Makes no sense in multiple places as a result, but if you know that's what it is then you can 100% see why it's portrayed that way! Honestly I really enjoyed it and wish more people would appreciate it for what it is.

Dirge of Cerberus: 7/10. The gameplay kinda sucks but honestly the storyline is super good—or it would be, if the entire fucking prologue hadn't been cut from any release outside Japan, thereby leaving the entire issue with DeepGround completely unexplained to all other audiences. Once you know what is going on, the storyline here is fantastic, and I've never really forgiven SE for not releasing the rest of it. I love that Dirge fills in the lore for Vincent that was cut when he was relegated to "optional" in the OG, and that it also helps to clarify why Midgar could have 9 functional mako reactors while every other reactor in the world is either sputtering to nothing or exploding. (It's Omega. Midgar is built over Omega. It's the place where all lines of the Lifestream converge so that Omega can draw it all in and carry it away at the end of the world, and Shinra never discovered that's why the mako well there is so expansive. I love good worldbuilding, and Dirge is a beautiful example of that.)

Before Crisis: N/A. I want this game so bad man where is it give it to meeeee. Honestly tho I've watched playthroughs and read scripts where available, and while I don't think it looks like much fun from a modern gameplay perspective, I have huge respect for it as far as development goes. This is one of the first really mainstream mobile games ever made, it was made for flip phones, and it's super extensive! Also it gave me Veld, who is one half of my favorite ship ever, which means it automatically gets a 7/10 even if I've never played it.

Crisis Core (+Reunion): 9/10. As fun to play as the OG. When I first played this on PSP over a decade ago, it hit me with such an intense feeling of nostalgia that it almost took me off my feet. In spite of the dramatic difference between game mechanics in CC versus the OG, it felt exactly like playing the OG again, and that feeling never really left. Humanized Sephiroth in a beautiful way that pissed off a bunch of fanboys and made me fall in love with him all over again. Also introduced my second favorite FF7 character ever, Genesis, who is one half of one of my core FF7 ships, so A+ on that too!

FF7 Remake (+InterMISSION): 8/10. Had a lot of fun with this one, and it's beautiful, but it doesn't have a lot of replayability in my experience, which is a shame. Would have been 6 or 7/10 if not for InterMISSION, which was a fucking delight.

FF7 First SOLDIER: 6/10. This applies to both the Battle Royale and the title in Ever Crisis. I am not a fan of Glenn & Co. but I love 14 year old Sephiroth and really appreciate that extension of lore and worldbuilding, so it's a decent balance. I love that the opening cutscene for the battle royale literally filled a 20+ year old plot hole in under two minutes.

FF7 Rebirth: 9.5/10. The only things that could make me like this game more would be if Vincent were playable (although I understand why he's not and, in spite of him being my favorite fictional character ever, I agree with this decision), and fewer required minigames. Just cut like one or two. Or fix the controls, maybe. Glide de Chocobo is even more broken now that it's been patched.

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮(they’ve gained perspective! They’re gonna talk it through and come out of this stronger! Love that for them!)

🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟��🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟(A lion attack?!??!? Poor chris my sweet baby i just want that child safe!)

🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼(very fascinating setup im intrigued!)

36 for 🔮 (HELL YEAH THEY ARE):

---

“I’m sorry I didn’t just explain that earlier,” Bobby says. “I’m sorry I let you think… Well, I don’t exactly know what you thought but obviously it hurt you.”

Buck shakes his head. “I forgive you.”

So easily. His anger burns so bright when he is angry. His forgiveness comes so readily. Bobby’s not sure if he’s worthy of it. 

“Thank you, Buck.” 

“You should tell me, though,” Buck says. “If it happens again.”

Bobby sighs. “Buck…”

“Look, I get it,” Buck interrupts. “I saw you, back then. I know you struggle to talk about some of it. I’m not asking for that. I’m just saying, you can tell me, so I can be there for you.”

“That’s not your job,” Bobby tells him. 

“Well you can’t have it both ways,” Buck protests. “I want it to be my job, Bobby. I’m not actually a kid.” 

Damn it. That’s… Well, that’s completely solid logic that Bobby can’t refute without being unfair. Oh, he hates that. 

He thinks back to the day of the funeral. What Buck must have seen of him. A child who hated himself, who was grieving, who had just discovered that alcohol made that go away. Who was so angry and scared and alone. Here Buck is still. Just like Athena has seen the worst of him, and remained. Strangely enough, Bobby thinks back to that afternoon, catatonic in his childhood bedroom, and although he knows he was alone, he has the memory of a warm hand on his shoulder. He’s never remembered that before. 

---

75 for 🧟 (Yesssss scary times!):

---

Buck knows that he’s hiding. 

Who wouldn’t? He feels like a little kid put on time out. Not that there’s been any actual punishment for him, aside from the radio being taken away. Hen has made it clear no one is going to hold it against him. I understand why you did it, she’d said. But still. He’s embarrassed. He feels foolish. Everyone thinks it was a desperate, futile attempt at something he will never accomplish. Everyone thinks Maddie is just another person he’s lost for good. 

So Buck is hiding in his room. 

He’s reading. He has so much to read, after all. He’s been going through the nonfiction books topic by topic. Right now he’s on music. Just anything the library has. He’s reading a biography of Fela Kuti, which is kind of blowing his mind. He knew nothing at all about him before picking up the book. He had to see if the library had any CDs of his music, which it does! He’s playing it on an old boom box. 

Saxophone filling his ears, knowledge transferring from page to Buck’s brain like a scanner, Buck can feel himself starting to calm down. He’s discovered learning is a bit meditative for him. He never did well in school. Never thought he was smart. Now he thinks he might just learn differently. Karen says so, anyway. She says he’s “probably brilliant, actually.” First person to say that, no doubt. It’s a shame, Buck thinks. He had to discover this thirst for knowledge at the end of the world. He’s not sure there will ever be new books. He’s not sure the internet will ever come back. He mourns a version of himself that might have thrived, with the right support. 

Laying on his mattress, music loud, book hovering above his face, Buck almost doesn’t hear the knock on his door. He’s pretty absorbed. The knock comes once, twice, and finally a third time before Buck catches it. 

“Uh, come in!” Buck calls. 

The door opens and Bobby steps in. 

Fuck. 

Buck sits up. He puts the book down, open, spine up. 

“Oh. Hi, Bobby.”

Bobby looks distraught. Buck worries he’s still pissed. He worries that he’s thought more about it, and has come to chew Buck out some more. 

He doesn’t.

“Buck, I… I don’t know how to explain…”

“What?” Buck asks. His spine goes rigid. “What’s happened? Is everyone okay?”

He thought Athena’s daughter was improving! 

“Everyone’s fine. Relatively.” Bobby says. “Buck, I’m sorry… I…”

“Bobby, what?” Buck begs. 

“There are people here for you.” Bobby says. “Looking for you.”

Buck goes numb. “Wh-what?”

“One of them says she’s your sister.”

“M-Maddie?” Buck asks, not really believing it. Didn’t everyone imply it was never going to happen?

---

24 for 🔼 (Thank you!):

---

 “But you don’t live in our house.”

Shannon winces a little. “No, Chris. I don’t.”

“So where will the baby live?”

“We still have a while to figure that out.” Eddie tries to move away from this topic. 

“Are you going to live in our house?” Chris asks. 

“I don’t think so, Christopher,” Shannon says quietly. 

Christopher’s face starts to go a little red. 

“Chris,” Eddie says. “I know you have a lot of questions-”

“No, I don’t want it.” Chris interrupts.

“What?” Shannon asks. 

“I don’t want the baby.” Chris says. “I don’t want a brother or sister.”

Eddie sighs. Fuck. He’d been too young to feel this way about Sophia, but he certainly had his reservations about Adriana. He was just a little younger than Chris when his mom told him about her third pregnancy.

[jariten]

May-July 2023 roundup

Okay little by little preparing for regular posting on this blog to resume and thought I'd start with catching up on the roundups!

Midori no Uta by Taiwanese Yan Gao, who first garnered attention for illustrating the original Japanese edition of Haruki Murakami's Abandoning a Cat: Memories of my Father, tells the story of college student Lü after she moves to Taipei for university. There she spends less time on academic pursuits and more on music live shows. She then meets Nanjun, an amateur musician who shares his love of music with her. This leads her on a trip to Japan to look for the band Happy End's album Kazemachi Roman, which leads her to an instant love for Harumi Hosono and his music, and her first infatuation as she grows closer to Nanjun. This is maybe the first Taiwanese comic I've ever read and I loved every second of it. The Japanese translation was really great. Beautiful naturalistic cityscapes and I really adored how Lü's emotions were depicted. Everything Yan Gao was referencing was very interesting too. I love a college coming of age too. I really really hope someone takes the initiative to license it and that she gets another tankobon out soon.

Mermaid Scales and the Town of Sand by Yoko Komori was also a lovely little coming of age, although at an elementary school level. I really want even more understated but impactful stories like this on the english market and I'm really happy this one got licensed despite its age (it first came out in 2013). And speaking of more understated stories, Frieren by Kanehito Yamada and Tsukasa Abe is soooooo good. Def a worthy comparison to a series like Delicious in Dungeon with how it is an earnest fantasy that decides to approach the staples of the genre from a novel perspective, altho I love how the atmosphere and tempo is completely different, really recommend for anyone who likes more low energy or relaxing stories. And PLEASE anime fans please watch the adaption when it premieres this fall!!!

I also in this period really enjoyed reading Ai ga Areba Ii no da by Ikuemi Ryou. This year I've read so much text heavy manga so reading one with a lot of silent panels and textless sequences was so refreshing, and really moved Ikuemi up on my priority list, I'm really looking forward to reading more.

Yoko to Tora by Fuyuko Kurosaki was another fun surprise in the sense that honestly when I pick up 4-koma on a whim I don't expect too much (Making Azumanga Daioh my first kinda set the expectations too high), and its no Azumanga but I still found myself wanting to recommend it. Imagine if you will a world where cats are plushie shaped and have the general intelligence of a child meaning they can understand and make themselves understood to humans without speaking, they go to school, and have friends they like to hang out with. This is the world of Yoko and Tora and all of their friends. Much like Chiikawa its the little world building details that elevate it from just another cutesy comedy. But don't get me wrong it is a cutesy comedy.

On a whole other track, Keimusho no Naka by Kazuichi Hanawa (licensed as Doing Time back in 2004), was a really fascinating depiction of life in prison as told by a man who had to do time over illegal weapon possession charges. The vivid details of the interior of the prison and the oppressive routines they had to endure from the people who run it was very enlightening. Not to mention Hanawa's artistic talent is like, crazy to me.

I'm still not making promises but posting on here is something that I want to do, so I'd like to ask if there's a preference to consistent posting (queue running consistently over the span of weeks) or if occasional sporadic bursts (queue runs inconsistently or just for a couple of days at a time) is fine too

[phaneseros]

When The Honeymoon Stage Wears Off

I was circling old posts from my main blog and found an old ask by anonymous:

Gods are a huge part of my path both as a pagan and a witch. That being said, I have a very difficult time connecting with them. Usually I'll find a deity or two that I connect with and maybe even a whole pantheon, but somewhere down the line I always find something that just disconnects me from them for some reason. Any advice on working with the gods and being able to stick some and not switch around so much??

My initial answer wasn't too bad, but I want to expand on it.

There is a Honeymoon phase in any new thing. You are excited by this new thing, wanting to look into it more, enjoying yourself.

For anthropologists who go to study other cultures first hand, the first stage of four is the Honeymoon stage.

Defined here as :

This is the first stage and occurs on arrival. In this stage everything is new and exciting. You are intrigued by cultural differences and similarities. There is a feeling that you could conquer anything and that there will be no trouble adjusting.

And defined here :

The first stage is the honeymoon, which can last a few days or up to several months. At this stage, everything is new, exciting, and fascinating. The 'natives' are polite, gracious, and most welcoming. Another way of describing this stage is that of the tourist's experience. (...) Tourists generally return home before the honeymoon ends, whereas anthropologists, aid workers and others move beyond this to the second stage, in which one 'has seriously to cope with the real conditions of life' (ibid).

Many people tend to feel this similar Honeymoon stage of trying new things, from religion to hobbies.

Let's look at the brief descriptions of the next three stages from the first link:

Irritation - Culture Shock

After the honeymoon stage wears off the focus begins to shift to a negative view of the cultural differences. There is often a sense of helpless frustration. People often withdraw in this stage. This is when feelings of homesickness are most prevalent.

Adjustment – Perspective

Adjustment take s place gradually. You start to become comfortable as understanding of the language and culture increase. You are now more confident that you can manage life in your host country. You begin to see multiple perspectives and question your own assumptions about the world.

Adaptation - Feeling at home

Eventually, the host culture is no longer new and you begin to feel at home. You may prefer certain traits of the new culture over your home culture. You might even begin to adopt cultural behaviors. Depending on the length of your stay you may never reach this stage.

The second link also described these:

Not only do simple tasks, such as purchasing food or washing up, become complete fiascos, but the 'natives' do not seem concerned at all. In fact, they may seem unsympathetic or indifferent (ibid). A very common coping mechanism is aggression and frustration-a rejection of the environment that is causing discomfort (ibid:177). (...) If one stays, then the third stage starts as the visitor begins to learn the language and can negotiate daily life on his or her own. Difficulty still exists, but the visitor is able to handle it. The visitor even begins to help others who may be new to the situation. In the fourth stage, the visitor 'accepts the customs of the country as just another way of living' (ibid). Certainly, the visitor will not always understand what is occurring in social situations and may not notice nuances, but he or she has adjusted considerably. At this point, there are things that he or she will miss about the country when leaving.

The second and third stages are often like feeling like a fish out of water. It can be frustrating o even frightening when you no longer have a frame of reference or what you're doing, how you're supposed to do it. But that's the thing. While research and work are important, and definitely time you should dedicate to your new god(s), it is also a time of letting yourself just Exist. Especially when you may not have comparable experiences for what is "enough."

I feel like, after being on this website for 11 or 12 years, there's this weird pressure to grind "daily" worship like WoW or Genshin quests. You don't have to do this. Frankly, I do feel that part of this idea comes from a sort of Christianization for those who live in such areas (which is often many pagan converts) - there's this idea that you must constantly Prove Your Faith, Prove Yourself As Worthy, Suffering Is Sacrifice Is Faith.

Truly, not only do not all religions have this idea, but even historically people did not, every single day, undergo such grueling mindset, including variations of Christianity. Yes, some things are habitual, but cultures and religions that do have daily forms of worship or practice, the people in them are raised with that concept their entire lives. They were taught to do them for years until it Became habit. Since childhood. You, the convert, were not.

Such practices that do have historical or cultural "daily" necessities (usually prayers) will much, much more likely have actual step-by-step learning processes with conversion that will be hard to miss. However, we're talking more general paganism here, which usually does not have such conventions. But if you convert from this kind of practice and feel like there is a void you must fill - you can syncretically adopt your previous iterations of faith and apply them into your new one. Whether it remains throughout your paganism, or falls out of fashion, is individual experience.

Stop feeling guilty about not adhering to a grind mindset, first and foremost. Especially if you're coming from a Christo-Catholic background. You're allowed to be free from guilt.

That said, coming back to the honeymoon phase, it does wear off. Even if you think "I'm going to be excited about this every second of every minute" you won't. There will be at least a single moment where you won't, where you will just Exist as a human person doing whatever it is you habitually do on autopilot, and that's fine. You're allowed to Just Exist without constantly dedicating every second to a pantheon (or even magic path for those who are witches falling in the trap of grind mindset).

I feel like this idea of "switching around" has two reasons:

Genuine dissatisfaction that you are not at fault of

Chasing the high of experiencing something new

If you "switch around" a lot, it could be genuine disatisfaction. That is neither your nor the pantheon's fault. It's just not a good fit. And that's fine. You don't have to force yourself to belong and shouldn't force a deity into your life that doesn't quite work the way you want or need. It's a mutual understanding, a give and take. And if that's not compatible, then finding something new is not a bad thing.

Stop and think to yourself: Are you switching around because the honeymoon stage wore off and you want to keep chasing the high? Perhaps you're under-stimulated? Research more into the pantheon or deity you're trying to have connection with. That can usually aid and/or disperse the restlessness. There's much more out there historically, anthropologically, and we're constantly finding new things about ancient cultures and civilizations. Join communities about the pantheon or deity/ies. Engage with other people to keep your own interest. It's a commitment. All this can either lead to realizing it's genuine dissatisfaction, realizing other issues are at play, or can help you (re)connect and stick with it.

The fact is, the Honeymoon stage will wear off and that's the humanity in you. It will become basic habit. But that's not a bad thing. An occasional prayer is still an occasional prayer. Even some Christians only "Be Christian" on Sundays, or even less on just Easter and Christmas.

If you have an altar, maybe at the least you can dust it. The "connection" isn't going to be loud and in your body, mind, and soul(s) every hour of every day. And you don't have to force yourself into a schedule that doesn't feel right to you. That doesn't mean you're abandoned by gods, nor that you have abandoned gods, it means you're human and are given space.

With that out of the way, here is part of my initial answer to this ask back from 2017:

Accept that there may be times of quiet. You don’t need to be in constant communication at all times. Accept that there will be dry spells and quiet times and that you generally may always be re-welcomed by them. 

If you truly want a basic frame of measurement for how "often" you should "contact" your deity/ies, think of your friends or family. How often do you text them, send them messages, call them, etc? What do those messages consist of? Saw a meme and sent it to your friend? Saw a sunset and sent it to your parent? You can do similar for your god(s).

Reblog that meme that made you think of Deity, that funny looking curio at the thrift store made you think of Deity so either get it or take a photo of it. But don't run yourself ragged or spiral into feeling like what you do isn't "enough" - it can become even antithetical to the joy of worship, especially when deities culturally are intended to be helpful, not hurtful, to the worshiper.

[ink-flavored]

Introducing the Antagonists

BTS Series: ⬅ Table of Contents - Reworking the Plot ➡ Also available on Neocities! P&J Taglist (Check out my Google form to get added): @elegant-paper-collection @auroblaze@zeenimf @vacantgodling @foxys-fantasy-tales Banner art by @auroblaze

With the leads out of the way, it’s high time we talk about the shiny new antagonists for Pride & Justice. And yes, that’s antagonists with an “s” because there are two of them! Since the fanfiction version of the story only had the two main characters in it, both of these antagonists are completely created by me. I also don’t have design references for them yet, so feel free to imagine them in your head.

The reason I have two antagonists when I could very easily just have one is based on a few things. For one, I thought it would be fun to have representatives from both Heaven and Hell, like Pride and Justice themselves, and create a neat mirror effect in the narrative. For another, there are multiple conflicts in the story—the conflict of Pride and Justice getting back to Heaven to complete the contract Pride made with that soul in Purgatory, and the conflict between Pride and Justice as they try to navigate their new lives and eventual romance. The dual-antagonists serve both conflicts, one for the over-arching plot that runs through the story, and another for the personal dynamic of their relationship, creating another wedge that they have to climb over to be together. I also wanted to take the opportunity to say that, while Heaven and Christianity deserve critiquing, just because Heaven is bad doesn’t mean that Hell is good. They’re both fundamentally flawed, for different reasons.

With all that said, let’s introduce the new players!

Honesty

I’ve always been really fascinated with the idea of a villain who believes what they’re doing is righteous and good. The kind of antagonist that is doing objectively horrible things from every perspective but their own, who can’t or won’t understand that the things they’re doing “for the greater good” aren’t doing any good at all. That’s the kind of person that Honesty is.

Honesty is, like Justice, an angel that embodies the virtue of her namesake. She is physically incapable of telling a lie, and follows the word of God to a tee. After all, God’s word is the truth of the world. She knows her place—it is to serve Heaven and fight against Hell at any cost. Every angel in Heaven knows their place too, and deviating from it is a non-issue. If you aren’t serving God, specifically if you aren’t carrying out His word to the letter, you aren’t doing your duty as an angel. You deserve retribution and punishment for it. You deserve to be sent to Hell for it. After all, that is God’s word. You can’t refute that because she can never lie.

In her own mind, all she’s doing is keeping things the way they should be. Angels are taught, created for, and trusted to serve God’s will for the good of His children and the world at large. Pride is a speck to her, a lost cause she won’t even bother sympathizing with. He’s already lost. What really makes her mad, what sends her on the crusade that leads to the entire story, is Justice defending him. He’s breaking the laws he promised to serve, defying God for a demon, of all things. She places herself at the head of the mission to bring Justice back under the banner of Heaven, send Pride to his death like he deserves, or bring them both down.

From our perspective, she clearly sucks. Pride dying would have other far-reaching consequences beyond killing a single demon. Killing the innocent person he just happens to be carrying along with him is bad, actually, and Justice pointing that out shouldn’t immediately send him to the same fate. That doesn’t matter to her. They’ve both made themselves enemies of God by defying His word, and now they are her enemies too. And she’s right. They aren’t following the rules. Pride for obvious reasons—he doesn’t care about God’s rules—but Justice really has no excuse here. He’s an angel advocating for keeping a demon alive. No matter the reason, the ends should justify the means for him. But they don’t. He is wrong, and Honesty is going to show him what happens to angels who are wrong.

The point of Honesty being legitimate in her grievance is not to make a point about how being anti-authority and breaking the rules is always awesome (although it is), it’s to show that those rules she’s enforcing—even if she is telling the truth—are flawed. The law is unjust, and following an unjust law makes you unjust, and Justice won’t sit idly by and accept it like he’s supposed to. The problem with that is that he’s lower on the hierarchy than God. Literally everyone is. To Honesty, the law being unjust doesn’t matter. Things in life being unfair doesn’t matter. Innocent people dying—like killing a soul along with the demon ferrying it—happens sometimes in the name of the greater good. Tough shit. God said so, and it’s not your place to have an opinion about the word of God. Do as you’re told.

If you haven’t picked up on it already, Honesty is going to be the main vehicle for which I drive my criticism of American Evangelical Christianity. Evangelicalism, if you’re unfamiliar, (and I’ll be paraphrasing) is the sect of Christianity that reads the Bible literally, as if it is without fault, and is the perfect way to practice your faith—it’s called “biblical literalism.” One of their core tenants is to proselytize everywhere, to everyone, to save their souls for the second-coming, which they also fervently believe will happen. They genuinely, honestly believe they are spreading the good word—the word “evangelical” comes from the Greek word for "good news"—and saving lives. Which is also why, if you’ve noticed, that they preach to anyone regardless of interest or religion, treat any rejection of Christianity as a personal attack, and why they have worked to criminalize abortion, deny the theory of evolution, lambast same-sex marriage, and in general push traditional (read: conservative) thinking when it comes to authority and social practices. Obviously, this is a generalization of a very large sect of a very large religion, but if you’ve been paying even a little bit of attention to American politics over the years, this specific type of Evangelical Christian is going to sound familiar. It’s what I aim to critique in Pride & Justice, and I have no problems stating that Honesty will embody this way of thinking.

Now, I bet some of you are wondering why I made Honesty a woman (specifically a white woman, but I don’t have a design to show you). Surely if my goal is to critique the traditionalist views of the Evangelical Christians, surely a man in a position of authority would be more accurate? While I can see that perspective, I’d argue that God is that man in a position of authority here. Honesty is—like a lot of Evangelicals in real life—simply the “innocent” white woman who uses her relative position of power to crack down on anyone she sees as deviant. People often ignore the ways women perpetuate systems of oppression like patriarchy, because women are oppressed within that system. But a lot of the reason that patriarchy persists is by women passing down patriarchal standards in their homes to their families, in classrooms, and in public places. If you want to go deeper, it’s well documented that white women will use their relative status to perpetuate racism, homophobia, and transphobia. Historically, white women have perpetuated anti-Black racism by falsely accusing Black men and boys of rape to get them arrested, beaten, or killed. For a modern example, look no further than the rise of TERFs (Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists), a group that is overwhelmingly made up of white Christian women with traditionalist values fighting against their own self-interests, all in the name of perpetuating transphobia. Honesty represents a real demographic that often gets ignored in the fight against inequality.

I’m not sure I’ll portray Honesty as openly bigoted in the story (she’s not a human, angels don’t really have concepts like gender or race), but she is definitely not a fan of Pride or Justice, and finds the idea that they would ever be in a relationship as at best laughable, and at worst a manipulation. It’s against God, after all, for an angel and a demon to collaborate, much less be in love, so therefore if it’s real it must be destroyed, and if it’s false it must be revealed that it was always a fiction—and therefore destroyed. She is going to try a lot of things to try and get Justice to “see the light" once again, turn him against Pride, and follow-through with her promise to smite him like she intended to before they escaped. All of them will fail, though it will not be without a fight.

Beyond the political stuff, I’m excited to weaponize her inability to tell a lie. It’s really going to add a new flavor to the kind of story I’m able to tell with her, and I think it adds a very cool depth. How do you argue against someone who can never tell a lie? How do you show them they’re wrong, even when they’re technically right, and retroactively make their previous statements untrue? What is the truth, how do you measure it? Is the truth an innate state present in the universe because it’s always been there, or is it a matter of personal perspective?

So, that’s Honesty. Get excited to love to hate her!

Lust

[content warning for emotional abuse, mentioned sexual assault]

Our representative of Hell was genuinely a hard one for me. When I had the idea to create a second antagonist, I knew I wanted whoever it was to be a personal antagonist for Pride. He’s the one with the most emotional baggage that he needs to overcome to let himself be in a relationship with Justice, and the demon crawling out of Hell would obviously only be familiar with him, and couldn’t really have a vendetta against both of them (at least, not at first). Making it Lucifer would be a little much—why would the ruler of Hell care about one demon? I puzzled over the remaining six of the seven sins, debating which one Pride was most likely to have a personal history with, good or bad. Ultimately, I landed on Lust as the one that made the most sense, which made things harder if I’m being honest.

Personally, I despise that lust is even a part of the deadly sins at all. I think that the idea of lust—a real and valid human emotion—being something that eternally damns you is ridiculous and complete bullshit. It necessarily demonizes sex and sexuality as sinful, which has paved the way for a lot more dangerous bullshit, and shunts an entire category of human expression and connection into the Bad Person Slot. Further, I absolutely despise how lust is often portrayed in media—the one, single sexy woman in a conga line of generic looking men in business suits, and of course the one fatphobic caricature for gluttony. I knew if I was going to make Lust-the-character a significant part of my story, I was going to need to do some serious work in portraying it to make it palatable to even myself.

The first thing I did was completely erase the concept of chastity as a virtue. I’ve replaced it with the virtue of passion, something I think better reflects lust on the whole, and I didn’t have any plans to include a chastity angel in the story anyway. Next, I am going to include a plain-text, inescapable, definitive defense of sex and sexuality using the existence of an angel of passion in the story. I already planned to do a subtle exposition dump of Heaven and Hell when Justice is feeling homesick, and that would be the perfect time to bring up something like him being friends with Passion. Probably because Pride was implying that Heaven is all stuffy and no fun. Either way, full and rigorous defense of sex is going to happen, just so everyone is clear about what kind of story this is. And finally, redefining what Lust-the-character actually represents.

Lust is sex doll. The form it chose, and how it presents itself in the story, is as a life-size sex doll, with the addition of smoking horns and a tail like Pride. It does not move its mouth to talk, speaking through telepathy. It can barely move on its own, sitting limp or lying flat, moving in only the barest twitches. If you haven’t picked up on it yet, Lust uses it/its pronouns. It is quite literally a sex object, something that is purpose built for a single-minded, selfish pleasure. It doesn’t matter if Lust enjoys it or not. That’s not the point. The point is that there is this thing that is here for you, and you can do whatever you want.

That’s the kind of lust considered abhorrent and sinful in this story. The kind where you don’t care about, nor even stop to consider, what your partner(s) think. If your sex is not negotiated between all parties, if it isn’t enthusiastically consensual, if you can’t be bothered to take your partner(s) feelings, wants, desires, and pleasure into account, you’re sinning. At best, this makes you a bad sexual partner, using people as sex toys for the sole purpose of getting you off. At worst, you are a rapist.

There are other things people lust for—lust for power is an obvious one. You want to lord over others, to wield your selfishness maliciously, disregarding if and how you hurt others. Generally, though, my version of lust is not about wanting to have sex and then going directly to Hell. In fact, the idea of thoughts = sin is something I’m also getting rid of in this story, but I’ll get into it another time. My version of lust is about being consumed by single-minded desires, including sex, that push you to treat others as disposable. Lust is an object because that’s how people committing this sin view others—tools to be used, abused, and thrown away when they have what they want.

Speaking of “wanting,” what does Lust want with Pride? What is that personal history I hinted at so many paragraphs ago? Well, you may be shocked to find that it isn’t a very nice one.

Like I mentioned in his post, Pride uses his arrogance as a shield to hide the fact that he desperately needs and wants people to like him. As a byproduct of his turbulent past (being rejected by Heaven, burning alive in a river of fire, etc.), he craves the validation of others to tell him that he’s very good and special and the bestest demon guy ever. He’s insecure, put shortly, and will take anything he can get when it comes to attention and/or affection. Enter Lust, who happened upon Pride at the right time, and basically thought, “Oh boy! A body I can exploit!”

There were no real feelings on either side, so what they had wasn’t necessarily a “relationship,” but they were involved, and it was abusive. Lust picked up on the fact that Pride needed validation and decided to make sure he wouldn’t ever be able to get it from anyone else. It berated him for being clingy, insisted no one else would bother putting up with him, and generally fed into the insecurity he tries to hide by confirming it as true. Agreeing that he’s unworthy of the affection he craves so much of, and actually he’s pathetic for wanting so much of it. Ego damaged, Pride would lash out and disappear for a while, but the creeping sense of loneliness from his insecurity would always return. Convinced that Lust was the only way he would ever get attention, he returned to it again and again.

Breaking him down made Lust feel powerful—it had complete control over Pride. No matter how many times he said this was the last time, it knew he would eventually come crawling back. Whereas Pride needs affection to function, Lust needs a power trip.

Eventually, though, Pride stops showing up. This is upsetting for a while, but then rumors start flying around Hell that Pride busted out of Heaven with an angel. And now they’re… living on Earth together? Lust is outraged by this news, in no small part because if Pride never comes back to Hell, it loses a source of its own security. It might lose its hold over him altogether, and that absolutely will not stand. Throughout the story, Lust shows up to try and convince Pride to give up. That whatever he has with Justice won’t last, that Justice will eventually get bored and/or sick of him, that an angel of all things could never possibly tolerate him, much less love him. Some of the other deadly sins show up too, though less persistently, and with a lot less to lose.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I’m toying with the idea of Lust enlisting other demons to find Pride for it, and harass him into coming back to Hell. I didn’t have a reason for any of the other deadly sins show up, but this would give them a purpose: annoying Pride—on Lust’s behalf, probably for some sort of bribe—to make sure he doesn’t think he’s all that just because he shacked up with an angel.

Lust’s role in the story is to serve as a representation of Pride’s insecurity, and the abusive relationship he has with himself sometimes. Pride routinely denies himself the ability to be vulnerable based on his ego and believes he won’t be worthy of love if he is vulnerable. Defeating Lust is a metaphor for him overcoming not just his past abuse, but his feelings of insecurity.

In a weird way, I am excited to write Lust. It’s going to be a creepy-horror-movie-haunted-doll type of character, which is a way I don’t think people expect a “lust” character to act, so I’m interested in seeing everyone’s reactions.

Also, an important note! Lust is not going to be the only it/its pronoun user in the story, I am not unaware of how that looks. I’m still creating all the side characters, but since Justice makes a lot of friends on Earth, I am fully planning on populating the most-seen characters with at least one other it/its user.

Anyway! Those are the antagonists of the story! What do you think? I’d love any and all thoughts!

Thanks as always for your support!

— Annika

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

I’m team william and kate definitely, but lately I’ve been assessing things to kind of get in the bottom of things and understanding where it all went wrong. I like to be more nuanced in viewing these people. I think some people can get carried away with viewing them in the worst way possible. While I do see Harry and Meghan as very problematic people, I wanna be careful about getting into batshit crazy conspiracies. Reading about all the conspiracies sugars have about kate’s condition opened my eyes a bit. There are a lot of people who hate h&m that actually sound as crazy as the sugars, but the difference is their conspiracies are directed towards h&m instead of w&k.

That being said, all the stuff with Christian Jones and Dan Woottoon seem shady to me, but tbh I don’t really fully understand what everyone’s been saying lol. But tbh, if Christian Jones asked Omid for Finding Freedom excerpts in order to bury the affair rumors, I don’t think that’s throwing Meghan under the bus exactly. We all know from the Jason Knauf emails that Finding Freedom was viewed by the KP comms team and Harry and Meghan as a way for them to correct narratives, so using excerpts from Finding Freedom to bury the affair rumors is like using positive Meghan stories to bury rumors about William that may or may not be real. So in a way, Christian Jones was just doing his job in a hitting two birds with one stone kind of thing by protecting two of his bosses in different ways. Idk, does that make sense?

It does, you make a lot of sense.

Scobie's issue seems to be two-fold:

He isn't as objective in his reporting of the royal family as he claims to be. Which is fine - everyone has a bias and a perspective that influences the way we see and interpret things. Where Scobie gets into trouble is by telling us he's completely objective, but not ID'ing who his sources are and telling us to "just trust me" instead.

He's right there in the thick of everything going on. To use a Superb Owl analogy, Scobie can only see the linebacker right in front of him, while we're up there in the sky box with a vantage point to see all the players, all the refs, all the coaches, and we're getting the commentary and analysis.

Both of these go hand-in-hand and affects how Scobie sees things. His experience of being welcomed by the Sussexes while being pushed away by the Cambridges, and similarly seeing the Cambridges push the Sussexes away at the same time, makes him more sympathetic to the Sussexes. He's more inclined to see things through their eyes because he has the same experience. And again, there's nothing wrong wtih that. It's human nature to bond over shared experiences. Where Scobie takes it too far is by refusing to consider other explanations, especially ones that are outside what he saw for himself. Maybe he doesn't see them because he's right there in the thick of things, or maybe he sees it as spin from the opposing side.

I do think you're doing the right thing, anon, to take a more critical approach to royal-watching. Royal-watching, like all hobbies and fandoms, is a spectrum that runs the gamut from toxic extremes to indifferent neutrality. Figuring out how you like to look at these things and doing the work to find where you fit in on the spectrum can make it a little more enjoyable, because then you're around more like-minded people and the discussions and the conversations are more open, especially and particularly when you disagree.

I like nuance too (in case you haven't figured it out yet) and I like looking at things critically. For me, the world has more colors than black and white, and there are more options than a binary either/or solution. I admire the people whose convictions are so strong that everything fits neatly into an either/or model, but I know I could never be like that. I'm too fascinated by "well, if I turn my head this way and if I sit down and I squint, does it change anything?" And sometimes it does. It's why I like reading the royal books; sometimes I learn new things that change how I think. For instance - Sally Bedell Smith's 2017 book on then-Prince Charles changed my perspective on Charles. Scobie's chapter on race in Endgame made me see that he does genuinely care about the firm needing to look like the people it serves and he isn't only doing it for the headlines or because he's in Meghan's pocket - and if that makes me a sucker, so be it.

[vethbrenatto]

favorite cr c3 character?

For a while it was pretty solidly Ashton, but now I'd say I'm evenly split between Ashton, Chetney, and Fearne.

(Apologies for long ass answer)

Ashton is just such a fascinating character, I've been drawn to them since the beginning. Like many Taliesin characters, they have a superiority complex, or at least a sense that they have a better understanding of the world than others, and yet, they also show true compassion and care for their allies. I think the Laudna/Ashton conversation from last Thursday is a top 5 moment from this campaign so far for me, and that's mostly due to Ashton. The way that Taliesin portrayed it in Ashton being completely real with Laudna but only under the caveat of being drunk and letting their raw emotions shine through. And then to cover it up with "Oh, I don't remember, I was drunk" and have Laudna shut it down. I'm fascinated by some of their statements "I know loneliness you don't, I know the truth of people that none of you do." Not statements that I think are true, but statements I deeply want to understand more from their perspective.

Chetney is very within the mold of characters I tend to like. I'm drawn to comic relief characters that have more depth than they appear to at the surface (Grog & The Gnomes in C1, Veth in C2). Maybe this character wasn't intended to be that deep at its inception but became that way via roleplay and organic growth through the campaign, ala a Scanlan. I think Travis plays Chet in a wonderfully comedic way, while also never letting us doubt that they're not just there to be the haha funny grandpa. I also love someone finally playing something different on the age spectrum. D&D races can literally live hundreds of years- why is every adventurer in their 20s-30s (or at least in the equivalent of that for their race like the gnomes in C1)? Much like Veth, I enjoy the ability to more deeply analyze and look into a character that much of the fandom my pigeonhole into a small box or being "just one thing."

Fearne is a delight for me because truly, it just shows that Ashley Johnson Has The Range. Pike was looks like cinnamon roll, could kill you. Yasha was looks like she could kill you, is a cinnamon roll. Fearne is sort of another looks like a cinnamon roll, could kill you but in a COMPLETELY different way than Pike. I have been ITCHING for someone to play Fey and Ashley is tackling it so beautifully. The sideways morality, the impulsiveness. That is a HARD thing to pull off as a player, it's taking your better instincts of "No, that's not smart, that's a bad idea" and going "My character would do this, regardless of potential consequences." While I'm not that attached to Orym, I think Fearne's relationship with Orym is fascinating. Because of their EXU connection, she so clearly has a fondness and attachment to him that exceeds her connection with anyone else in the group and I think it's with an intensity that most others can't match. If push comes to shove, I feel she would prioritize him not just over everyone, but in spite of everyone- I think in connection to her Fey-ness, there's this sense of "This is my person" that goes above and beyond others who also have a person. It's why in the Laudna/Orym res, regardless of the coin flip (which is not me saying I think Ashley cheated it), I was confident Orym would be res-ed. It's why on Thursday despite her care and hesitancy to go up against Imogen, when Orym asks, "Are you with me?" The no hesitation answer is "Always." It's intense in a way that I don't even think is reciprocated- Orym of course loves and prioritizes her, but I think there's an intensity in the way that Fearne cares about Orym that's unmatched and that to me is fascinating. A very, who and how many would you throw in harm's way to save this one person situation.

[farfromdaylight]

some thoughts on the first couple hours of ff13, after picking it up for the first time in a decade

it's fun how much the party 1) doesn't know each other and 2) doesn't like each other! it's very different for a JRPG for the party to just NOT get along to this degree. the only people out of the initial 5 who even know each other are lightning and snow, and lightning has VERY good reason to dislike snow on the outset. the rest are just complete strangers! it's such a fun dynamic.

the dialogue does a perfectly fine job of explaining what l'cie are. like, they explicitly tell you multiple times. fal'cie is a little more murky, but even then, it's not hard to figure out.

that said, the opening is pretty slow in both story and gameplay. not having any magic makes sense for the world, but it makes the game very dull to play for a good 90 minutes. i think if it was remade today they'd streamline it a lot more, because while it's a fine tutorial, there are genuinely too many encounters before you actually get your magic powers.

hope's motivation is pretty thin from the beginning, tbh. watching your mom get killed and being understandably upset about it is perfectly serviceable as a motivation, but then hope runs into snow and doesn't confront him right away. i actually think hope is written quite well, better than i remembered — he comes across as an emotional teenager rather than someone making logical, rational decisions. but if you don't give the character that grace i can understand finding him frustrating.

snow is almost intolerable. i'm really leaning hard on the memory that i liked him a lot more in lightning returns, because he is so fucking annoying in the opening here. calling yourself a hero when there's absolutely no evidence of you being one (and in fact clear evidence that you're NOT a hero) is just obnoxious. also, snow's friend group just comes across as a bunch of weirdos than characters i want to know more about.

vanille is also a weirdo, but at least i know that's wholly intended. i really like the subtle touch of her already having 3 ATB bars when you get to play her initially.

the overall choice to start the game where it does makes sense from a gameplay perspective — it's where the fighting actually starts — but weakens the overall narrative, IMO. FF13 begins in medias res and leans hard on the fact that there were 13 days of prior events that culminated in the Purge... but since the player has no knowledge of all this and a lot of the background isn't immediately clear, it makes for a harder sell. i personally very much enjoy the storytelling in this game, but i can understand why others don't. it requires you to put the narrative together as you go.

once you actually get your magic powers, the game takes off like a rocket. the gameplay remains SO much fucking fun. it's a fascinating evolution of turn-based combat and it works SO well. i do remember how long it'll be until i have 3 party members again, and that part of it is a drag, but the actual combat is so enjoyable i hardly mind.

the game still looks gorgeous. i'm playing on steamdeck and am frequently amazed at how good it looks. obviously the FMVs are still incredible, but the ingame models look SO far ahead of their time, to say nothing of the environments. (also, the fact that i can play a PS3/360 game on handheld and have it Just Work is like magic to me.)

there are so many save points! this is hardly important, but it's making me laugh because i really didn't remember there being a save point around every corner. it's certainly convenient, though!

i don't know how much of it i'm going to play — i'm really supposed to be playing new games right now, not replays — but at the same time i've had SUCH a good time revisiting it that i may carry on for a while yet. we'll see!

[africanmorning]

This didn't happen very recently, but at some point within the past couple years I finally managed to see the first episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender, and man was that a huge perspective shift for me.

See, I've already seen pieces of ATLA before. When I was a kid, someone gushed to me about how good the show was and showed me a couple random episodes completely out of context. I hated it on sight, for pretty much all the same reasons I hated most other children's media at the time. If you had asked me then, I would have simply said that I thought the show was stupid. But after some time, I realized that no amount of "stupidity" explained the resentment and sheer anger that these shows, including ATLA, created in me at the time. The problem wasn't that the shows were "stupid," the problem was that the shows were fun.

Fun was not something I got to experience a lot of in my childhood. If I had to pick out a single, most defining aspect of it, I'd probably say either "anxiety" or "loneliness." For as long as I can remember, I knew that I had a lot of expectations that I needed to meet, and mistakes were not tolerated. You could say that I was a "high-performing, very well-behaved" child.

So, imagine, then, how I felt watching TV shows where the kids were silly, goofed off, and made bad choices that often resulted in nothing more than a slap on a wrist—all portrayed with a casual air of "These are children! This is what childhood is like!" Can you understand how infuriating that was to someone like me? To be shown, as far as I was concerned, a fake, fanciful lie? A lie that I was sure was even making my life worse, because it must be convincing children and adults that children are irresponsible fools, and if more adults knew that children could be responsible, and smart, and obedient . . . then maybe they would treat me better.

Over time, I grew less judgmental of ATLA and shows like it, but I was still pretty confident that it simply wasn't "for me."

The irony of this is not lost on me. Though I still haven't watched ATLA proper, from what I've heard about the show since, I was probably the exact kind of kid that many of the messages were intended for.

The problem?

Of the episodes I had seen, Zuko either was not in them, or played such a minor or out-of-context role that I learned nothing about him.

So, when I was in my mid-twenties, finally seeing Zuko in episode one as my roommate watched it in our shared living space, I was fascinated.

THAT was the character I had needed. THAT was the character I understood. Someone who had been molded into something unloveable. Someone who had no more power over it than wet clay has over the potter's hands. Someone who, deep down, knew this wasn't the right way to be, the way they wanted to be, but to be anything else would be to become destroyed. That was huge.

Because. Yeah. In retrospect, I was a fucking asshole as a kid, at least to other kids. But looking back, I also know that it was the only way I could be. In my isolation, it was the only thing I knew. And even then I knew that I was fucking up. I just didn't know how to change it. And once I finally got exposed to a wider world, saw that there were other possibilities, I did change. A lot. But it took a long time, and it was hard, because the same changes that would have won the approval of my peers, made me a better part of society, would have also destroyed me at home. The same things that made me unloveable also made me survive. I don't think I can explain the confusion I had for the longest time when interacting with other children. It went something like, "How can you be that way so openly, so happily, when I cannot? What is so different between you and I, that the same things that bring you joy could only ever cause me pain?" Even now, that unloveability still follows me. I once saw someone say that loneliness is self-fulfilling because others can sense the loneliness on you and are repelled by it, and I'm inclined to agree. It's no one else's fault. Of course they would be repelled by someone like me, who either clings so much that it's suffocating, or becomes so afraid of clinging that I become aloof and unreachable.

Anyway. Zuko is relatable, and seeing him has really recontextualized the entire series for me. It's kind of a relief, really. I know he gets a redemption arc, and I don't think a lot of characters I relate to in this way do. I've been holding on to those kinds of messages lately—the ones that tell me that I might have a future. Though, man, I wish I'd had an Uncle Iroh like he did, to hold my hand through everything and help me get to that better place in the end. Maybe things wouldn't be so hard now.