#understanding the self through relation to the other

[matchatarot]

The name of that full moon sounds like the name of a metal band, doesn’t it, Bunny? A potent portal of self-reflection, clarity, healing and strength is opening up on March 14th 2025. Let’s see what it’ll bring for you. To pick a pile don’t overthink it; choose the one that draws you in the most while thinking about the reading’s intent. Only take what resonates! Love, Matcha ♡

p.s. I used the art oracles by Katya Tylevich, it’s an oracle with each card representing an artist, and the 3 piles had the same card show up; Diane Arbus. Her art is notable for its representation of marginalized subjects, its psychological intensity and its raw aesthetic. ☆ masterlist

Pile 1 ₊˚.༄

Your spirit guides had been calling you to look deeper within yourself and you’re answering the call. You’re delving in the shadows. Realizing where you’ve been lying to yourself, doing one thing but feeling the other. You’re reading between the lines of your soul, finding the truth of your ego in your past actions. You’re being vulnerable and strong. You understand that you can’t run away from you own toxic patterns, there’s no other way then through. However, you’re realizing that even though you need to put up with your own toxic tendencies, you do not have to put up with toxic people. Some relationships are not working for you anymore. You’ll recognize them in the way they make you feel; slow, old, fragile, hazy. They want you to choose between them and your values. There might be a divinely orchestrated heartbreak or separation. It doesn’t have to be romantic, it could also be leaving a job, a community or an old mindset that felt part of who you were. This event will powerfully change you in an unexpected manner. It’ll mainly help you to forgive yourself for your past mistakes, mainly related to love relationships, platonic or romantic. You’ll understand that healing needs time and patience. Sometimes the best action is stillness. However, your manifestations are waiting for you so take the time you need to rest but get up and take action as soon possible.

Pile 2 ⊹˚˖ ☆

You’re stepping into a more confident, charismatic and compassionate self. You’re following your heart and diving deep into your emotional and romantic side. You’re being more vulnerable with yourself and with others and it’s impacting positively your peers. They see you as someone sweet, soft and compassionate. Your presence is healing to people, you’re helping them heal their heart chakra. Some people might be realizing they’re in love with you, feeling the butterflies in their stomach when they see you. Their cheeks get so hot and they’re so excited to greet you, you’re so precious. It can also be platonic, like colleagues realizing they really love working with you. You’re understanding your influence on your surroundings, realizing that you manifested this love and harmony by visualizing it in your third eye. If you’ve been listening to frequencies, doing meditation or any other healing spiritual practice, it’s really bearing its fruits. You’re developing a new abundance mindset that’s removing a lot of blockages related to your fears of the unknown. You know you’re supported by your community (in the 3d or spiritual), so you know you’ll be okay. I see a beautiful and mysterious opportunity coming to you, brought to you by people who love you.

Pile 3 ‧₊˚ ♡

A spiritual guide as a gift for you! It’s someone from your past life, someone that hold you deep in their heart, it might be a lover. It could also be you but your identity from a past life. Something in your life might seem like it’s lacking vitality, but your spirit guide is putting the life back into it. They’re showing you how one thing can take many forms, have many different life. It might be that your love life or your career seemed to be dying but it’s not, surprise! It’s actually reaching new heights and you’re gonna be embodying a more confident and strong self through it. It’ll come with its challenges but you have everything you need to surmount them, you’re so protected from your spirit guides anyways, they all have your back in this new venture coming your way. They’re also going to be especially attentive when it comes to your manifestations on this worm moon, so take advantage of it. Open your heart to the new opportunities because the portal this moon is opening for you is full of action and love. If you’ve been manifesting your soulmate, just know they’re coming closer! I also sense that friends from a past life are coming back to unite with you. Shed your old skin and embody a fresher sense of self to get ready for it. Tap into your occult knowledge.

decks used for this reading: les vampires oracle by Lucy Cavendish, l’oracle du chemin spirituel by Valérie Defour & Valérie Saussez, art oracles by Katya Tylevich

[northopalshore]

So me and my gf met really young and haven't been together for so long and I know it is unrealistic to think that she's the one but astrology and destiny matrix call us soulmates all the time and even tho I know soulmates doesn't need to mean the one I end up with so I wonder, what are signs that you met the one young or in synastry or composite chart, what are indicators that they are "the one"?

𝄞��𓍢ִ໋ For this question, it is a bit difficult to answer. Although there are many possible "the one"/ true love indicators in synastry & composite, I'd still say that the future is vast and we never really know until we get there for the most part. Still, here are:

"The One" placements

in romantic synastry & composite astrology

:¨ ·.· ¨:⠀Juno persona chart masterlist, Union persona chart masterlist

`· . ୨୧⠀Note that overall synastry & magnetism aspects outside of these are also necessary, but these placements are more like additional driving forces which can make you feel like you belong together or are literally a match made in heaven. Still, try not to be fully dependent on these aspects alone. Most of the context here will be in relation to marriage/long-term commitment.

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♀ Personal planets in the 6th house (preferably Sun, Moon, Venus, Mars & Jupiter)

Shows that a couple is always together, and may continue to be together in the long-term. Quite common within married couples.

♀ Personal planets in the 7th house

Having a tie to them both romantically & contractually.

♀ Ascendant conjunct Juno/ Briede(19029) /Groom(5129)

Your partner embodies a lot of what you are attracted to in the long-term, the type of partner you want to have in your life.

♀ Boda (1487) conjunct Venus /Neptune

It can give you both a sense of completion where romance fills the room everytime you're with them. You reflect each other's ideal marriage life.

♀ Boda (1487) conjunct Boda (1487)

Having the same ideals when it comes to marriage, i.e on the same page. It can act as a booster for those already in love with their partner.

♀ Boda (1487) conjunct North node

In some way shape or form, this person will change your

♀ Moon conjunct/Trine North Node

Life with them feels natural. This is a very valuable synastry aspect in my opinion because your partner is able to understand your sense of destiny or see you for you. You will both feel like you were fated to meet.

♀ Vertex conjunct Boda (1487)

Can mean fated marriage, or at the very least they help form your idea around marriage

♀ Alma ( 390) conjunct Jupiter/Venus/North Node/Boda/Juno/Briede/Groom

This is more of a soulmate placement, but it can also contribute to feeling like you belong with your partner.

♀ Boda (1487) conjunct Jupiter

Marriage or commitment can feel natural with them, or it will make you feel like you're over the moon. It can often indicate a happy marriage with your lover too.

♀ Juno conjunct Jupiter

Jupiter is also a common form of commitment or the "husband" in most cases, but I think it works with any sexual orientation. A common indicator or marriage or at least feeling like you're just each other's type. It makes you more willing to commit.

♀ Juno conjunct Juno/Saturn

Being each other's type is one thing, but this is a placement that can show you being tied to this person through an invisible bond that only grows stronger with time.

♀ Sun conjunct Juno/ Briede (19029) / Groom (5129)

The sun often embodies the very traits that Juno/Briede/ Groom is attracted to (whether they realize it or not) and thus may feel strongly attached to the Sun person.

♀ Venus conjunct Juno

This placement can make both parties feel very naturally drawn to each other, both make great romantic partners and share the same ideals when it comes to love & expression of art. Can indicate long-term compatibility between the two of you.

♀ Vertex conjunct Briede (19029)/Groom (19029)

This is quite self explanatory. A fated marriage. At the very least, again with this placement you partner will change help solidify your desires in a spouse (or as a spouse).

♀ Vertex conjunct Juno

A contractual lover, often can indicate a long-term relationship & has that soulmate flair between you and your partner. This relationship has the ability to both stand the test of time but at the same time help solidify your view around marriage.

♀ Vertex conjunct Venus

Fated romance, love interests, feeling like this love is meant to be.

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For those of you reading this & haven't met their long-term significant other (and is seeking them), you'll never truly know the next cluster of people that may walk into your life until you meet them. So keep an open mind about your future love interests & set aside that tunnel vision. The love that is mean for you will come when it's time.

Try not to attach a face to the "love of your life". As much as you may love them and they you, it's not your purpose to have them consume your every waking hour. You still have much to do, & much to learn don't you? Love will never be separated from man no matter what happens. We always yearn for it no matter what form it takes. It's just not healthy to plague yourself with their image, trust me I've been there.

"The one" to me, translates into an amalgamation of different details that somehow fit right beside you no matter how wonky it may look at first. Don't blame it on the stars, let the stars guide you.

Hope this helps ♡

@northopalshore

[lichbarry]

The problem with Odile is that she is much like Siffrin. Sure, she's not very prone to emotional outbursts, but she still has a track record of recklessness that I think goes largely unaddressed? I truly do think she acts on impulse much of the time and either reasons it out later or has enough experience that it happens to pay off. But she's one of the ones that gets excited when she's low health in battle; she'll let her own feelings and concerns go unaddressed unless someone else brings them up first; she admits herself that she'll do anything to protect the people close to her, and we see her do this to a fault.

She is the most literally mature and tends to be the voice of reason/"straight man", but does that equate to mental stability? Rhetorical question-- we know it doesn't, we just played a whole game about that. Moreover, is she actually the most rational among the party, or do we just treat her like she is because she's "the analyst" and is the (second) most reserved? Is it because she's the one that's observant enough to figure Siffrin out? Because that doesn't mean anything. That doesn't equate at all to her own stability or mental regulation.

Odile buries her feelings as much as Siffrin does and the party is largely none the wiser. We are largely none the wiser, because we're exclusively seeing her from an outside perspective, just like how from an outside perspective Siffrin seems a little off but fine. After all they've gone through, we don't have much evidence that she'll actually handle it well. She's handled life-changingly stressful situations so far by keeping a tight leash on any concern or emotion that's not the most pragmatic (save for her phobia or impulse responses like the attack on Bigfrin.) With what we know about her, she's going to try to choke out any lingering fears or negativity on her own private time, which we can't guarantee will go well.

That's why I'm campaigning for the answer to be Bonnie.

We do know how they respond to things. They're emotionally volatile. They're defensive about what hurts them and have angst surrounding their loved ones making sacrifices for them & matters of their independence/agency. They're moody and aggressive... just as much as they are silly, and inquisitive, and more than willing to accept & return the love and support they're given as long as there aren't any misunderstandings.

These are all perfectly typical and even debatably healthy behaviors, considering they're a preteen going through an apocalypse. They are many things, and on some matters they are naive, but they are so emotionally intelligent. They process new information with a fervor, they find their own ways to translate others' experiences into something they can understand and relate to, they largely comfort and let themself be comforted (even if they're gonna be angsty about it.) They have been through so much already even prior to the game, and while there are some things they struggle with that they hide (their concerns over the death talk and everyone- especially Siffrin's- self-sacrifical behaviors), I don't believe we see them hiding anything that was not obscured/miscommunicated to them first. Their anger at the King, their concern over their sister & how much they miss her, their desire to be helpful & contribute, their willingness to admit when they don't know something or when they're intentionally trying to self-soothe (like with the Tear dreaming comment)...

They're taking all of this really well.

And with their support system being around them all the way to Bambouche, and then who knows how far beyond, I think they would continue to take it well. Is there going to be some remaining angst? Some anger, some nightmares, some uncomfortable moments? Yeah. But having negative emotions doesn't make them not mentally stable. They will continue to be as sensible as they can be expected to be, they will continue to speak up when both they or others need help, they will continue to do their best to process what happened in ways they can actually understand.

Bonnie's only "insanity" is being "insanely well-adjusted to world-endingly traumatic circumstances." They're going to come out of this the best of anyone.

[girl-detector]

My reason for this post being posted immediately and not put into the processing vortex is this response to something i detected:

don't go looking for the poster btw, i am not writing this with any malice, it's simply something that has been on my mind for a bit since seeing it. I am making a separate post since it feels relevant to do so, no other reason

I am not one for philosophy or even telling people they are something that they haven't already decided on their own. That self-ID as a girl is what i go by primarily

With machines, as they tend to be controlled by relatively simple circuits and logic, i generally detect as a girl by default unless referred to as otherwise within my knowledge

From my personal experience i have seen more women see themselves in the machinery that's posted than the contrary, and not necessarily through the lens of "the erotica of the machine" or "the weakness of flesh"

In this sense, my detections here are a choice, further affirmation for those who see themselves in the machines instead of pushed aside

I may not be one to state i relate to the "eroticism of the machine" aspect, with 4 years of trade school and 2 in an engineering course leaving me comparatively dispassionate about what those entailed. I can't say i don't understand it however, the way things line up and the necessary troubleshooting that maintenance requires on circumstance or standard

In what the poster was responding to, despite the intent for it being made, i wouldn't necessarily give that a reason to deny girlness. I don't know enough, either of the subject or the viewers, to be such an arbiter

[42ifonly]

Originally, I only wanted to address the rumors about Will and Season 18, but it turned into a whole rant, and I am a little embarrassed, that I spent so much time writing this about a fictional character, but these thoughts have been swirling around in my head for ages and now is the time to get it out of my system. And sorry if I went a little overboard and it’s probably all over the place. (Because I am upset!) I don’t mean to offend anyone. Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and feelings about something. These are just my thoughts on some of the negative comments I read about the character online. English is not my first language, so forgive any mistakes I may have made.

When I think about something happening to Will I feel an actual pain in my heart and dread in my stomach. It would be so incredibly lame for them to kill yet another significant other. It makes me so angry and sad. And now that everything points that way, I have to protect my heart and not watch the new season, even though I have loved Criminal Minds for so long. It is just no way to treat a character that has been around for almost all the running time, to just take the easiest way out. And if they don't kill him and they separate then what the hell where the writers and show-runners doing for 15 seasons other than repeatedly reinforcing their relationship and reinforcing how they were both always set on making it work no matter what.

And don't get me started on all the missed potential, with him being a cop and working together with the team. Josh Stewart is such a great actor and gives great nuanced performances. And if he truly did leave on his on terms and it wasn’t due to budget or scheduling then that is totally fine of course, but they could still find a million different ways to go without destroying everything we have been trough with these two.

I am going to address a few of the points people made about why they don’t like Will:

JJ's character is reduced to her having a family:

I love her vulnerable side, she is great at her job and she has to deal with horrible things, and to see her open up to Will and let go of her mindset to not show how affected she is by some of the things that are going on is truly great. She is puts up a front and compartmentalizes to cope (like when she told Hotch she didn’t need time off and she was fine in season 12x2), and I love that Will is able to break through those walls to keep her sane. And just because she is a badass FBI Agent, she is not allowed to rely on other people sometimes and have a family that she actually loves and that love her back? Where else would she be able to show that side of herself, and it doesn't mean that she's only defined by her family. It just means that we get to see her outside of her professional demeanor and personality. I really don't understand why people are offended. It just gives her more depth because we rarely get to see characters outside of their work environment. I always loved the fact that Will was not the obvious choice for a character like JJ and her being with him really adds another dimension to her character. And in fact her family rarely makes an appearance and/or is mentioned throughout the series, she is a just as good a character without them. Seeing her with Will and the boys just makes her more relatable and tangible and I love that.

Season 3: Will is pushy, whiny and doesn’t respect her boundaries

I get why some aren't fond of his actions in season 3. They are calling him out for not respecting her boundaries and I can somewhat be on board with that. But it doesn't make him a bad guy for eternity with no coming back from it. Some criticize his lack of self-respect/confidence when he confronts her about it in the sense of "he is so whiny and insecure”. How would you feel if your boyfriend/girlfriend pretended to all their coworkers that you aren’t dating after being together for a year. Imagine putting all this time and effort to date someone long-distance and then they want to keep it a secret and leave you hanging when you confront them. Wouldn’t that hurt your feelings and make you a little sensitive? I would feel a little insecure if the person I was in love with acted like they didn’t really know me, all while I am mourning a friend and would actually need some support from this person. He is asking perfectly reasonable questions to make sense of the situation, and he knows her and probably knows she is holding something back.

Both people were entitled to feel the way they did. JJ is allowed to be scared, and Will is allowed to ask for commitment. People forget nuance exists.

And when she said she wanted to break up with him he showed some self-respect, respected his own boundaries, didn't make a scene, accepted her decision and let her go. But then those same people come along and say he didn't even fight for her ... so you want him to be toxic now?!?! You want him to push her?!?!

And turns out he was right all along it had nothing to do with her hiding it from her co-workers and protecting her private life. She was scared of getting hurt....that's it. So I just don't understand what the fuss is about.

Revealing her pregnancy on the other hand, was a bad decision and I don’t think he should have done that. But he is just a human being, a young guy who suddenly had to make some pretty big decisions about his life. He was going to be a dad sooner than he thought he would and he was probably a little out of his mind and scared, about the future and about JJ and their child. He made a bad decision and acted a little impulsive. I am sure we all have done things out of fear and against our better judgement that we regret.

I think he has proven enough times, that he respects her boundaries and her job. But somehow, after almost 20 years, people still can't get over it, which is beyond me…

And to be honest, it seemed to me that JJ was more relieved that the cat was out of the bag than anything else, that she no longer had to carry this secret around with her.

JJ settled because of the baby:

JJ decided to stay with him before! She found out she was pregnant. There was no settling. And it is not like they plucked Will out of nowhere. It’s not like she was flirting and letting her guard down with detectives all the time, and Will was just the latest in a series, so they made him the father of her son because the actress was pregnant. There was an obvious connection between the two of them and SHE gave him her card, SHE made that move. They’d known each other for a year before she got pregnant, and SHE decided to stay with him before she got pregnant. So even if her becoming a mother was due to AJ’s pregnancy, their relationship was not completely out of nowhere and the writers chose that story line with her kissing him in front of everyone to make a point of: She wants to be with him with or without a baby.  

Will doesn’t respect her jobs, wants her to quit all the time and shames her for her career:

Season 7x7: I think it is only human to get upset when you where looking forward to spending time with your partner and they have to leave in the middle of the night leaving you with your sick child. Even if you knew what you were getting into!!! It doesn't mean you can’t get upset or be disappointed every once in a while. He is just always supposed to sit back and be meek and mild about it all? He is probably very aware that her job comes first, and he just wants to spend time with her and have her home. And every single time (Season 3, Season 5, Season 7, Season 12, Season 13, Season 14, Season 16) JJ considers leaving work for her family it’s Will who encourages her to stay and/or keep going. If anything, he is a little to nice about it sometimes.

Will is bland and boring and doesn’t show any emotions:

Anyone who says he is boring and doesn’t show emotion would probably be the worst profiler of all time. The way his emotions are conveyed is subtle and it hits deep if you are susceptible to it. Just because Will isn't loud, and exaggerates his emotions, screams, cries, jumps up and down or acts like freaking emoticons, doesn’t make him bland, I am sorry, maybe you need to work on your empathy. I love his quiet strength and grounding presence. JJ always knew where she stood with him, no games no childish behavior. He wears his heart on his sleeves and is always open about his feelings and even when they get the best of him, he takes a step back and puts everything into perspective and looks for solutions. He doesn’t act like a fool and completely irresponsible (like Morgan), when his wife goes missing, putting the investigation and the people’s lives at risk. It was so refreshing for me to see that and just speaks to what a mature and sensible person he is. He does what he knows is right and trusts the team to save her. He is sensitive and self-reflective and dotes on his sons.

And in no way is he a boring character, we have seen him in something like 10 episodes and yet I know more about him than some of the main characters. He accumulated his fair share of trauma: His dad, who he was very close to, died in Katrina, his partner/friend was murdered a year later, in Season 7 his partner was shot right in front of him. He had to leave his son with a psychopath. He has been kidnapped, assaulted and strapped to a bomb. And his wife was kidnapped, shot, assaulted, tortured and they lost their baby.

He is one of the very few cops/detectives who actually play a role in hunting down the suspect and talking successfully talking them down – hence he is a pretty good cop before he even turns 30. He left his hometown and family behind to live miles away. He played the drums, had a dog, sings alternative rock in the shower, loves to cook and doesn’t like flowers 😉

Everyone on the team likes him. Despite what Jemily stans say, Emily is probably their biggest advocate. She urged JJ to go after him, and toyed with her secrecy when she pointed out Will was something fun to look at. She joked with him about his accent. She describes him as the last viable donor, she saved him from the bomb, even though he told her to leave. She seemed genuinely happy to see him in Season 16.

Rossi witnessed them getting engaged, he hosted their wedding. He held the speech at their wedding. Will stayed with Rossi at the hospital in season 13. Will asked how Rossi was doing in season 16. He is on first name basis with Prentiss, Reid and Rossi. He watches Jack for Hotch in Season 11. He agrees on making Garcia and Spence the godparents of his first born. He turns a blind eye in season 14/15 to the confession ordeal. He let Reid come over all the time when he was mourning Emily.

The Will-haters also just start making up things like: “he is so annoying because he kept asking her to marry him, proposing over and over”... for all we know he asked her once to show her that he was here to stay, to make sure she knew he would be there for her and baby, and then he asked her again when she asked him to.

And lastly, I cannot believe the people hating on Will calling him dull, because he looks the way he looks. I am sorry but that is just plain stupid and incredibly shallow. Or the ones complaining about his accent... is that really all you got?!?!

I could probably write a dissertation about Will, but I will go cry now because I am heartbroken, and I just wanted them to have a happy ending.

[beneathsilverstars]

hello for the ask game 9: any theories on stuff unexplained by the game?

I always love theories and thoughts and worldbuilding hcs etc so anything in that vein works :3

I think my favorite little worldbuilding headcanon is that Ka Bue is super chill about aromanticism and asexuality! Not in the same way as irl activism, but it's something that is understood and respected in their ideology, like transgenderism in Vaugarde. So if we combine the powers of everyone in the crew we'll get an entire queer-friendly worldview going lmao!

Maybe... Something about an overarching philosophy of understanding the self? In Vaugard they see the self as something you refine through making, creating and destroying and rebuilding, but in Ka Bue you're supposed to be uncovering and polishing what's already there. And part of that is understanding your position in relation to others, so they have a lot of little descriptive words for flavors of relationships and dynamics, and being the sort of person who seeks those dynamics. Like "oh i'm usually the comedic straight man of the friend group and i seek out jokesters who play well off of that". And that means that nonsexual romance, nonromantic sex partners, QPRs, etc, are all understood dynamics, and various kinds of friend and family and colleague relationships are seen as distinctly important, and being alone is seen as a valid dynamic!

Now that I've typed this out I love it more and more... I was originally just thinking about the metaphor of cutting and polishing a gemstone, but having a lot of little Dynamics that various people may find more or less relevant to themselves is a similar approach to having thousands of Expressions! And it meshes with the transphobia as well - you can describe yourself as having dysphoria but you're not supposed to go and try to change that.

And there's that Odile + Isabeau conversation where she gets really specific about their relationship: "We're not friends, we're associates. Colleagues. Allies at best." And she's obviously joking, but this hc puts some extra weight behind her making that particular sort of joke! Plus she's the one who's like, "I wouldn't call you all friends, that would be weird, we're more like family," and she gets mad about being called the mom. I love the idea that she has Very specific dynamic classifications in mind for her relationship with each member of the crew, and gets pissy that Vaugardian doesn't have the same nuance/connotations!

And this philosophy being the total opposite of the Change belief is so interesting for Odile in particular! It would definitely flavor people's perception of her in Ka Bue - oh, she's one of those fickle Vaugardians who change masks every day and will never truly understand themselves. No wonder she wanted to get actual Vaugardian perspective on their belief. Oh, how lovely it will be for her to synthesize the two extremes, and both discover and create who she is!!

[heartmatic]

none of y'all can be normal abt fictional poc i swear

[theheadlessgroom]

@beatingheart-bride

"We are," Doreen replied with a smile, as she began to cut into her catfish. "We briefly considered Florida, I toyed with the notion of us moving into my family's summer home there, but...I just don't think it would work out, us moving there. I'll miss it, and I'll miss my home here in New Orleans, but I think it'll be a fresh start for both of us, we're looking forward to it."

"Have you told anyone else about your engagement?" Susannah asked, as Edward nodded, "My father knows, and Belle knows. Of course we would want both of them at the wedding, but I get the feeling they'd like to do more than that..."

"We're thinking they both may try to follow us out to California," Doreen elaborated. "We don't object to the idea, of course, it's just...surprising, I suppose!

I quite love the idea...Mr. Henshaw has always been so kind to me, and Belle, well...she's more of a mother to me than my own, and so to have them both by our side as we start this new chapter in our lives...it means the world to us."

A softness had crossed Doreen's face upon saying this, and Susannah couldn't help but smile softly, her eyes beginning to glisten a little as she wrung the skirts of her dress, saying, "W-Well...I think it's going to be a-a very packed carriage then, because, w-well..."

At this, Edward's eyes widened, the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips as he looked from Susannah to Philippe, asking, "Are you...thinking of moving to California too?"

[miss-morland]

dennis in dtamhd is so bpd recovery coded i feel so much about it <333333

[hollow-vok]

Ohh im obssesed

[jadenvargen]

free online james baldwin stories, essays, videos, and other resources

**edit

James baldwin online archive with his articles and photo archives.

---NOVELS---

Giovanni's room"When David meets the sensual Giovanni in a bohemian bar, he is swept into a passionate love affair. But his girlfriend's return to Paris destroys everything. Unable to admit to the truth, David pretends the liaison never happened - while Giovanni's life descends into tragedy. This book introduces love's fascinating possibilities and extremities."

Go Tell It On The Mountain"(...)Baldwin's first major work, a semi-autobiographical novel that has established itself as an American classic. With lyrical precision, psychological directness, resonating symbolic power, and a rage that is at once unrelenting and compassionate, Baldwin chronicles a fourteen-year-old boy's discovery of the terms of his identity as the stepson of the minister of a storefront Pentecostal church in Harlem one Saturday in March of 1935. Baldwin's rendering of his protagonist's spiritual, sexual, and moral struggle of self-invention opened new possibilities in the American language and in the way Americans understand themselves."

+bonus: film adaptation on youtube. (if you’re a giancarlo esposito fan, you’ll be delighted to see him in an early preacher role)

Another Country and Going to Meet the Man Another country: "James Baldwin's masterly story of desire, hatred and violence opens with the unforgettable character of Rufus Scott, a scavenging Harlem jazz musician adrift in New York. Self-destructive, bad and brilliant, he draws us into a Bohemian underworld pulsing with heat, music and sex, where desperate and dangerous characters betray, love and test each other to the limit." Going to meet the Man: " collection of eight short stories by American writer James Baldwin. The book, dedicated "for Beauford Delaney", covers many topics related to anti-Black racism in American society, as well as African-American–Jewish relations, childhood, the creative process, criminal justice, drug addiction, family relationships, jazz, lynching, sexuality, and white supremacy."

Just Above My Head"Here, in a monumental saga of love and rage, Baldwin goes back to Harlem, to the church of his groundbreaking novel Go Tell It on the Mountain, to the homosexual passion of Giovanni's Room, and to the political fire that enflames his nonfiction work. Here, too, the story of gospel singer Arthur Hall and his family becomes both a journey into another country of the soul and senses--and a living contemporary history of black struggle in this land."

If Beale Street Could Talk"Told through the eyes of Tish, a nineteen-year-old girl, in love with Fonny, a young sculptor who is the father of her child, Baldwin's story mixes the sweet and the sad. Tish and Fonny have pledged to get married, but Fonny is falsely accused of a terrible crime and imprisoned. Their families set out to clear his name, and as they face an uncertain future, the young lovers experience a kaleidoscope of emotions-affection, despair, and hope. In a love story that evokes the blues, where passion and sadness are inevitably intertwined, Baldwin has created two characters so alive and profoundly realized that they are unforgettably ingrained in the American psyche."

also has a film adaptation by moonlight's barry jenkins

Tell Me How Long the Train's been gone At the height of his theatrical career, the actor Leo Proudhammer is nearly felled by a heart attack. As he hovers between life and death, Baldwin shows the choices that have made him enviably famous and terrifyingly vulnerable. For between Leo's childhood on the streets of Harlem and his arrival into the intoxicating world of the theater lies a wilderness of desire and loss, shame and rage. An adored older brother vanishes into prison. There are love affairs with a white woman and a younger black man, each of whom will make irresistible claims on Leo's loyalty. 

---ESSAYS---

Baldwin essay collection. Including most famously: notes of a native son, nobody knows my name, the fire next time, no name in the street, the devil finds work- baldwin on film

--DOCUMENTARIES--

Take this hammer, a tour of san Francisco.

Meeting the man

--DEBATES:--

Debate with Malcolm x, 1963 ( on integration, the nation of islam, and other topics. )

Debate with William Buckley, 1965. ( historic debate in america. )

Heavily moderated debate with Malcolm x, Charles Eric Lincoln, and Samuel Schyle 1961. (Primarily Malcolm X's debate on behalf of the nation of islam, with Baldwin giving occassional inputs.)

----

apart from themes obvious in the book's descriptions, a general heads up for themes of incest and sexual assault throughout his works.

[sensualnoiree]

1st House: The Helm This is where your spiritual energy and identity take the spotlight. The 1st House governs your appearance, personality, and vitality—the essence of how you project yourself to the world. It’s your steez, your approach to life, and the first impression you make on others. The 1st House is all about beginnings, the mask you may unknowingly wear, and how you come to know yourself on a deep authentic level. The captain of this ship is the ruling planet of the zodiac sign residing there.

2nd House: Gate of Hades Your values, self-esteem, and ability to attract wealth are all tied to the 2nd House. This is where your personal resources, possessions, and financial matters come into play. The foods you eat, your saving and spending habits, and your sense of self-worth are all part of this house. It’s where your style and material wealth are rooted, reflecting how you value yourself and what you own. This house represents how you sustain for yourself, how you support all that the first house needs of you to be who you are.

3rd House: Goddess The 3rd House is the domain of communication, early education, and the mind. It governs how you gather and process information, your intellect, and your interactions within your community. This house also encompasses your relationships with siblings, short travels, and technical skills. It’s the space where your to-do list and daily mental activities take shape.

4th House: Subterranean Deeply connected to your roots, the 4th House represents your home, heritage, and ancestry. It’s where your inner life and sense of security are nurtured, influenced by your upbringing and relationship with your parents—especially the mother. This house also relates to land, generational gifts, and knowledge passed down through the family. It’s a space of femininity and the feminine energies in your life. This is the lowest point of the birth chart and can be fairly private and personal-as opposed to the 10th house. It holds up the rest of the chart and is incredibly important in terms of learning about our sense of security/stability emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

5th House: Good Fortune Joy, creativity, and self-expression flourish in the 5th House. This is where you experience the pleasures of life—love affairs, children, art, and entertainment. It’s the house of flirtation, play, and drama, where your passions come to life. The 5th House also governs leisure activities, fertility, and the pursuit of happiness through creative endeavors. A sense of nostalgia lives here too.

6th House: Bad Fortune The 6th House deals with work, health, and daily routines. It’s the space of labor, servitude, and the duties that never seem to end. This house also governs how you care for your body, deal with illness and injury, and interact with employees or pets. It’s where the unexpected challenges in life arise, requiring your attention and resilience. Look here for understanding on what great works you may find yourself committing to.

7th House: Setting Place Relationships take center stage in the 7th House. This is where you finally begin to truly engage with others, forming long-term commitments, whether in marriage, partnerships, or friendships. It’s the house of open enemies, where you face the other in life. The 7th House also governs relaxation, romance, and the deep bonds that define your connections with others.

8th House: The Idle Place Death, transformation, and shared resources are key themes in the 8th House. It’s where you confront karma, contracts, and generational lessons. This house also deals with loans, debts, and the deep psyche—the mysteries and fears that lie beneath the surface. The 8th House is a place of soul material, where you explore the unseen and the unknown. Here, you face all consequences-positive & negative- of the 7th house and the relationships, contracts, and potential enemies made there. This is the house of others esteem of you, opposite of the 2nd.

9th House: House of God The 9th House is your portal to higher knowledge, philosophy, and spiritual exploration. It governs your worldview, ethics, and the pursuit of truth through study, travel, and discovery. This house is where you connect with religion, spirituality, and the higher mind, expanding your understanding of the world and your place in it.

10th House: House of Praxis Your public life, reputation, and career are shaped by the 10th House. It’s where you strive for honor, recognition, and achievements that define your legacy. This house also relates to your relationships with authority figures, particularly the father, and how you navigate the public sphere. The 10th House is where your goals, fame, and business acumen are realized. Sitting at the very top of the chart, like the sun at noon high in the sky, all can see you here.

11th House: Good Spirits In the 11th House, your hopes, dreams, and social networks come to life. This house governs your friendships, group affiliations, and the communities you belong to. It’s where you connect with humanity, receive sudden blessings, and find support in your aspirations. The 11th House is also associated with gifts, riches, and the imagination needed to dream big.

12th House: Bad Spirits The 12th House is a place of retreat, isolation, and self-undoing. It’s where you confront your inner shadows, secrets, and hidden enemies. This house governs institutions, mental health, and the need for solitude or seclusion. It’s also a space of psychological development, where you deal with endings, sickness, and the unseen forces that shape your life journey. This house is in a blind spot to the first house of Self and that is why we can be blind to the very things that reside here. Its not so much that these things seek out to destroy you but any area of your life your are deeply unaware of can come back and disorientate you from who you believe yourself to be.

follow for more astro insights like this and head on over to @quenysefields or my etsy --> sensualnoiree to grab my new astrology guidebook on reading your own natal chart :)

[esote-rika]

to talk is to bare | Spencer Reid

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Category: hurt/comfort, fluff Summary: three times you've never felt enough for Spencer Reid—and the three times he rectified it immediately Content: insecure reader, written with early s2 Spencer in mind (glasses!Spencer rawr), reader wears makeup, implied bad relationships in the past, Spencer is just a sweetheart Word count: 2.4k A/N: entry for #lovers1kevent (congrats @mggslover muah) - the lyric prompt for this is “And I knew how you took your coffee and your favorite songs by heart, I read all of your (self help) books so you'd think that I was smart” from enough for you by Olivia Rodrigo. This was supposed to just be pure angst but apparently, I can't write this man as anything other than the perfect boyfriend.

“Well, actually, Dostoevsky intended the book to be a critique on certain schools of thoughts and ideologies, namely...”

You stare at your boyfriend, nodding along as he explains the intricacies and historical context of Notes from the Underground to you. His smile is kind and excited when he stops, looking at you expectantly.

“Right.” the smile on your face isn't forced, per se, but neither does it reach your eyes. How many times has it happened this month? It isn’t that you’re keeping count of all the times he’s corrected you—truthfully, you can’t, because you’ve lost count. And that’s the crux of the issue, isn’t it? The fact that you can’t even keep track of his corrections anymore, because he does it all the time. 

You remind yourself he's not doing this to deliberately make you feel stupid, your memory immediately calling forth all the times you've seen him correct other people — his teammates, the cashier at your favorite bookstore, a random person in the park. It's never pointed, nor is the act laced with anything but genuine, loving desire to share his knowledge. He's not like the men you've had to deal with in the past, the ones who jump at every opportunity to show off that they know more than you, that they're correct and you're wrong.

But this is Spencer. Sweet, wholly inexperienced, awkward. Half the time, he doesn't know how he comes across, and you've been dating him long enough to understand that. 

No, his corrections aren’t the crux of the issue. In fact, it isn’t even him. It’s you, and all the treacherous thoughts running through your mind. This damn book you’d read because you saw a dog eared copy in his satchel one day, pushing through pages upon pages of dense material just to catch up and relate with him, only to still come up short and have yourself be corrected.

The sting is still there, lingering and acrid in the back of your tongue. You cannot pinpoint it yet, this But it's Spencer Reid, so you grit your teeth and remind yourself not to take it personally. The words slip out easily. You could almost believe they aren’t lies. “Thank you for letting me know.”

The beam on his face is a reminder that not everyone is as patient, that he's come to expect looks that range from baffled to downright annoyed. Nobody else allows him free reign to talk like this, long winded rambles that get nipped at the bud with a sharp Reid. He smiles, beams at you, and this time the smile on your lips finally reaches your eyes.

“So what did I get wrong?”

“You weren’t wrong,” he’s pulling you in as he answers, lips finding the underside of your jaw and the bitterness dissipates, sweetens into something that makes your toes curl, “Just a little inaccurate.”

Your body melts into him easily. “You don't have to sugarcoat with me.”

“I'm not, it's literature. You can interpret it however you want, I just thought knowing the rest of the context would help you with your opinion.” he's kissing down your neck, breaths ghosting over your skin as he continues to talk, and you sink into his arms, forgetting why you were even feeling annoyed in the first place.

You’re not sure if you like the color you’ve put to make your cheeks flush. It's always been a point of contention in the past, your exes saying you don't put enough effort in, so this time with Spencer, you try. Even though you're not the best at it, even though you feel a little foolish because it seems a little too bright despite all of your hurried attempts to blend it a little more. But it’s too late to change now. You don’t want to go through the whole deal of reapplying your makeup because that would mean running late, so you ignore it and head to the cafe quickly. 

Spencer isn't there yet. You order your drinks, his black and into which you dump an exorbitant amount of sugar. Memorization is his thing, but you've come to learn a thing or two about him in the time you two are dating.

He's a few minutes late, and when he arrives, Spencer’s eyes lock on you. Or, more specifically, your cheeks.

“That bad?” you tease, standing from your seat and leaning over for a kiss. 

“You don’t have the coloring for that shade of red.”

Your brow knits as you pull away. Attempting to hide the flood of insecurity that swept through your chest, you let out a chuckle. Soft, shaky, and accompanied with a confused, “What?”

“It makes your cheeks look a little inflamed.”

“Oh.” 

Regret fills your chest, settling in your lungs until it’s difficult to breathe. You should have trusted your instincts and scrubbed the makeup off. Shouldn’t have tried something new on the one day the two of you can go out. He’s probably embarrassed by you. How silly, being a full grown woman wearing makeup bordering on clownish. 

He must have caught the hurt in your voice, the way your body deflates because he’s quick to remedy. “Hey, what’s that look for?”

It should embarrass you, the speed at which he picks up on your emotions. But he’s a profiler after all, he’s specifically trained for this, but sometimes you wish he doesn’t use it against you. Gentle hands cup your face. Cold hands, perpetually so until you’ve started keeping them between yours. They tilt your head up. 

“Talk to me.” 

“It’s stupid.”

“Nothing you say is ever stupid.”

You smile, “No, I think we both know that’s a lie.”

He relents. He knows you’re right; there are moments where you don’t make sense. “Not stupid, just…” his eyes roam your face while he searches for the word to use as compromise, as though he’ll find it tucked somewhere in your pretty features, “Lapses in discernment.”

You roll your eyes at his fancy vernacular, the attempt to soothe his mistake. “I think I prefer the layman’s term.” 

Spencer laughs sheepishly, then presses his lips to your forehead, “I’m never using that to describe you.” he murmurs against your skin, and then, “I'm sorry.”

Antarctica could melt from the warmth in your chest.  “You don't even know what you're apologizing for.”

“I upset you. That's reason enough.”

You sigh, pulling him to join you on the plush booth seat you'd managed to secure for your date. “Well, there's nothing to forgive.”

He accepts the coffee you hand him, corners of his mouth curved in a gentle smile. He sips, and you stew in silence, knowing that you shouldn't be leaving him guessing like this. He'd want to know, you can tell by the way he's studying you, the way he wants to examine and turn over your thoughts and reactions like he does with everything else in his life. But he waits, lets you open up if you so wish.

God, he's perfect.

“I was just having second thoughts about my makeup,” you murmur finally, “And you kind of confirmed it. I told you it's stupid.”

“Not stupid at all. I'm sorry,” you wonder if he takes his coffee sweet to match his personality, this asshole, “It was an insensitive comment. And for what it's worth, you look beautiful regardless.”

“Inflamed cheeks and all?” 

He laughs, pulling you to his side, lips firmly planted on your cheek “Inflamed cheeks and all.”

Maybe you shouldn’t have worn the blush after all; you're sure he's making you flush scarlet just by being such a sweetheart.

“Oh Spencer knows her.” the teasing tone in Derek Morgan’s voice normally makes you smile, but something about his tone makes you pause. You stare at the TV, where a new show is running, eyes zeroed in on the blonde actress.

“Spencer knows her?”

“Knew,” your boyfriend supplies, “Very briefly.”

Derek Morgan gives him a knowing smirk that has your stomach churning all the way to the end of the night, when you’re getting ready for bed.

You're in his apartment, in an old pair of his plaid pajamas and a t-shirt that fits you surprisingly well. It always makes you smile, his slight frame, the way you could easily steal his clothes and they wouldn't dwarf you too much. But tonight, Derek's words ring over and over again, bringing forth the image of her—Lila Archer, dazzling, perfectly curvy, an actress on a popular TV series… and apparently, a friend of his. You aren't really sure where this jealousy is coming from. He’s a trustworthy man, and you know he loves you. Still, the image of the beautiful actress persists, even as you climb into bed with him.

He's reading as he usually is, the low lamplight casting shadows over the sharp planes of his face. Without even looking, he shifts the book to his other hand, freeing up an arm to draw you to his body. It's easy, quiet, his heartbeat fluttering beneath your ear as you rest your head on his chest. The exact opposite of your own heartbeat right now.

“What's on your mind?” 

“Nothing.” It should be a sin, the way you keep denying your feelings. But it's just so silly, and you're a grown woman. Jealousy and insecurity shouldn't be consuming you like this, and yet…

“Please don't lie to me,” his fingers are in your hair, tangling deep into the strands and seeking for your scalp. They’re soothing and rhythmic upon contact, lulling your body into a sense of relaxation even though your heart still hammers at your chest.

“Why do you say that?”

“You usually remind me to use the overhead lights when I read.” fingers putting pressure on your scalp, traveling to your temple. He has you in the palm of his hands, “You didn't do that tonight. And your heartbeat's going at an abnormally high rate, even though I'm quite certain you didn't do anything strenuous before coming to bed. What's going on?” 

Damn him and his attention to detail, and the way he’'s learned your little quirks and oddities. He puts down his book and you turn your face to hide into his chest.

You chew on your bottom lip, reminding youself that this is Spencer, he wouldn't judge. “How’d you know her?” your voice is muffled against his shirt, “Lila.”

“We had a case in Los Angeles.” he pauses, as if considering if he should say more. Right. Confidentiality. You nod, accepting his answer.

“Must have been a high profile one then,” you muse, “Or were you just hanging around Hollywood studios with Derek?” It’s an unfair statement, but you can’t help it.

“No, no, it wasn’t like that.” You look back up at him and oh there’s guilt swimming in pools of honey eyes. “I mean, we kissed once, but I swear, nothing beyond that.”

You exhale. A kiss. He's kissed a TV starlet. 

This shouldn’t even be an issue. This is before you were even in the picture after all. It’s not fair to uphold him to some weird standard. You certainly had relationships before him. But none of them had been as stunning as Lila Archer. And if he could have Lila Archer, then what is he doing with you? 

“Hey,” his other hand comes to stroke your cheek, the soft pad of his thumb rubbing small, soothing circles, “Talk to me.”

It's a difficult thing, being mature and communicating when you just want to stew, but god he's so good, you can't punish him for this, for anything. “I thought you said I was your first girlfriend?” you say instead, teasing him.

“You are, but you know, I’ve kissed before, and been on dates—”

“With Lila?”

“No, with JJ.”

Oh.

“JJ?”

JJ? His lovely, warm spring day beauty coworker JJ? He went on a date with her? And kissed Lila Archer. It’s almost ridiculous, thinking about the type of women he's had dalliances with—lithe, blonde, perfect, before he settled with you. 

“Yeah, I took her to a Redskins game,” he says, his hold on your face still light. There's room to move if you want to, space to pull away should you need it and god he's just so perfect.

“You have a type, huh?” it comes out unbidden, sharp but dulled by a bitter laugh.

“What do you mean?”

“With women,” you reply, trying to temper the snappy tone of your voice. It's not fair to lash out at him like this, you know that, yet you can't help it. It's habit at this point, a form of defense that your exes have all been too happy to participate, “I'm the outlier.”

And apparently, he's an outlier too because his voice grows even softer, eyes searching your face with an anxiety that fills you with guilt. “Is that a problem?”

“No,” you sigh, arm draping over his waist and hugging him tight. 

He returns the favor, tangling your legs together until you're a mess of limbs under his sheets. “Then what's wrong?”

“Sometimes I just feel like—like I'm not good enough to be dating you.” there it is, whispered into his chest, striking straight to his heart. “And now, knowing that you could have had all of these — these women who could pass for models—”

“Angel,” the way he says the nickname makes you hide even further into his chest. He closes his arms around you, holding you so tightly it's difficult to breathe, but that's okay. Let him fuse your bodies together, let his breaths be yours too, “That's not true, you know that's not true.”

“Isn't it? You're so — you. Intelligent, well decorated in academia, an an elite FBI unit…”

He laughs, “I’m also an endlessly annoying know it all, I failed my gun license exam more than once, I don't have abs—”

“You don't need abs,” you counter, fingers clutching on his shirt.

“Wouldn't you rather be with a guy with a six pack?”

“I'd rather be with you.”

He gently moves away from you, hands finding your face to make you look at him. “And I'd rather be with you.”

You pout, “You can't use my words against me, ‘s not fair.” 

He laughs again, leaning to capture your lips in the gentlest of kisses, “I want you, I chose you, and I adore you,” he's murmuring between each kiss, hands cradling your face, “And if you have these thoughts again, tell me, so I can keep reminding you just how much I love you.” 

➺ My masterlist | Event masterlist

➺ thank you so much for reading <3

[pleasefindoutaname]

- Write a post asking for multiplicity # who don't carry endo / anti endo shit

- Delete the post thinking I'll just block the endo related #

- Browse a bit just to see what i'll miss

- Almost every multiplicity content is tagged as pro or anti endo

Is the choice "don't get the multiplicity content you came to find or get angry with every blogger you want to interact 'cause you don't know which box they would put you in" ?

[emberwhite]

For five years, I've been trying to tell this story. It's a tale about coming out—to the reader themselves and for a general audience so that more people might better understand it. Not many mainstream readers are willing to pick up a book about a transfem character because of how unrelatable they think it is. For this reason, it's extremely difficult to get a publishing deal for something like this. I take that as a challenge.

I wanted to make something artistic about it. They say the simplest definition of art is transference of feeling from author to reader, and I really wanted to capture what this whole experience has been like for the past 20 years. It's not easy, and it's not supposed to be either. That's what makes it all worth writing. So, how can it be done?

I like Russian literature. I like Dostoevsky. He will give you a character and tell you this person is bad, bad, and bad. Then, as you get into the mind of their character throughout his novel, you slowly start to find similarities between you and them. You might even begin to agree with them. And at one single moment, there you will be saying to yourself, "Oh my god. I AM this person." It's truly great. He understood human psychology, like no other.

I hope to do the same but backwards. I will tell you everything about this character without telling you who this character is. I used no pronouns to describe my character. Instead, I tried to produce this mysterious, unsettling mood around The Drunk. If I can get the reader to relate and identify with this person through workaholism, alcoholism, loneliness, isolation, and addiction, maybe then transfer of feeling can happen. It's a book about not being seen and understood, and I do think that is something universal, especially in this age of tech. It's devastating and the beginning of self-destruction.

The Drunk, The Gambler, and The Lover is now available on Amazon and for order at your local library and bookstore.

(Or you could just leave a comment asking for a free copy.)

[3verythingiknowaboutlove]

the limit does not exist!

how spencer helps college!reader understand a little calculus and therefore understand how he loves her.

MDNI | smut word count: 1931 warnings & tags & stuff: fem reader, fingering, oral sex (f receiving), lil bit of overstim hehe, pure unbridled affection, LOVE, FLUFF, hugging, reader cries, this was in fact meant to be written for spence's birthday... sorry about that school is kicking my butt lets just pretend it's october! author's note: this one is for my folks who HATE their calculus class and want spencer reid to give them head instead <3 maybe this can help you romanticize it a bit. i think this is classified as self indulgent…like REALLY self indulgent… hah... anyway i hope you enjoy! let me know your thoughts if u have any, i loveeeee you!! have a great day my hands are shaking posting this smut is so scary!!!!!

You sat in bed, staring down your notebook, eyes narrowed. Limits stared back at you. You were just about at your own limit, if you were being honest. 

Your brain, however sharp and witty it may be, is absolutely not one designed for calculus. A literary analysis essay? Done in half an hour. In depth scientific research project? Easiest months of your life. But there’s something about finding the instantaneous rate of change of a curve at one point in time by finding the slope of a tangent line that hasn't clicked yet. 

A slew of other papers- notes, practice worksheets printed from obscure websites, and formulas- surround you, a sea of unfinished thoughts from the past month of the semester.

You bite on the end of your pen, the little hope you had for a good grade in this class slipping further and further away with each passing moment, like the last ember dying in the remains of a fire.

What you really wanted to be doing was celebrating Spencer’s birthday with him right now. A chocolate cake lay on the kitchen counter and pasta simmers on the stove, but you and your boyfriend had agreed to do a solid hour of work before the celebrations ensued.

You were never particularly strong willed when it came to following through on such agreements.

“Teach me calculus,” you say, a very impressive three minutes later, flopping down on the couch. Your head makes its way to its forever resting spot, Spencer’s lap. He raises his eyebrows slightly, thumb reaching out to trace over the slope of your nose. His eyes flit between you and the file to the side of him. 

“I thought we agreed on an hour.”

“Yeah. But it wouldn’t be a very productive hour if I didn’t know how to do what I have to do. And I missed you.” 

He sighs quietly, closing the file next to him. 

“What do you not understand?” You smile at that, loving how quickly you won.

“Related rates. Like, conceptually.” 

Spencer hums in response.

“It’s October. You’re not even supposed to know related rates yet.”

“Fine. Then let's open presents,” you respond, smiley. His eyebrows get impossibly higher, hand stroking your cheek delicately.

“No. I want our night to be a little more stress free when we celebrate, okay? How about you think about that lovely cake you made for me. What if I decided to squash it so that the diameter would get bigger, going from…let’s say, 20 centimeters to 26 centimeters in 3 seconds, and the height would get smal-”

“That wouldn't be nice. It took me like four hours,” you interrupt, grumbling. He cracks a smile.

“For the sake of the example, let's say I was an awful boyfriend and really wanted to ruin all the hard work you put in for me.”

You roll your eyes.

“Hey,” he says, hand moving down to touch your jaw softly. “Don’t do that. Don’t be difficult. I’m helping you.”

“Sorry. I guess I need you to zoom out a little. I don’t really get why I’m learning this as a whole.” Spencer’s eyes pore into yours, staring down at you adoringly for a small moment as he comes up with an answer.

“Calculus helps us begin to explain the unexplainable by harnessing what we can,” Spencer says simply. “Einstein once said that, ‘Pure mathematics is, in its way, the poetry of logical ideas,’ which makes it simple in practice, but I actually like to think about it as the opposite philosophically. Trying to find logic in the more poetic ideas.”

You cuddle deeper in his lap.

“Think he would agree with that?” you ask. “I do answer to Einstein before you, unfortunately.” Spencer bends down to kiss your hair.

“I think so. He also had a really nice quote where he remarked that, ‘Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.’ He said, ‘How on earth can you explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love? Put your hand on a stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with that special girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.’”

Spencer takes a deep breath.

“Math doesn’t explain how I love you. It can’t. But I love the fact that it tries to. It kinda makes you wanna learn it as best you can.”

You process that for a long second and nod. He keeps talking.

… 

Presents get opened, and cake gets eaten before dinner. Of course.

You’re now in bed, on top of the covers, forcing Spencer to give you a fashion show of the new sweater vest and tie you got him. He turns to you after putting it on, and you beam. 

“I really like it. You look great. Do you like it?” you ask. He nods, smiling back at you.

“I’m gonna wear it to work tomorrow.” 

You beckon for Spencer to come closer, sitting up in bed. Your hands go out to the tie, tugging at the knot softly. He stares down at you until eventually interrupting your motions with a slow kiss, hands cupping your face.

“You’re so pretty,” he mutters.

He pulls away and finishes what you started, folding the tie neatly and setting it in the drawer. Then comes the vest, and soon enough, he’s just in his boxers.

“You’re the pretty one,” you say quietly. “Come to bed.” He crawls on next to you, tugging you into his arms. “Happy birthday, Spence. I love you.” He dips his forehead to your shoulder.

“I love you.”

Before you know it, he’s shifted on top of you, moving down. Fast. You blink, hard, trying to rid your head of the hazy endorphins as you register what he’s doing.

“What? No, I was gonna do that. It’s your birthday. You don’t have to,” you protest.

“But I really, really want to, darling girl,” he murmurs back, kissing your knee and softly pushing it to the side.

You fluster and Spencer just looks at you, fingers tracing shapes on your waist, waiting for you to be ready. 

“Well. Um. Okay. If you insist. I can’t really deny the birthday boy.” Your voice is small, and a little giddy smile grows on your face. Of course Spencer Reid would want to give you head on his birthday. 

He smiles a little against the bare skin of your hip where your top meets your shorts. Then he meets your eyes. 

“You know you can, though, right?” he asks, voice a little more serious. You reach out to touch his hair softly. 

“Yeah. I know.”

Fingers hook your shorts, gently pulling them down. He presses a kiss to your thigh, and then he suddenly looks down at it. 

“Soft,” he murmurs, like he’s making a mental note. He presses another, and another, incrementally going closer and closer to your soaked through underwear. His eyebrows scrunch when he sees the wet spot. “All this from a few kisses?” 

You blush, unable to respond. 

Spencer’s fingers hook a centimeter of your underwear. “These?” he checks.

“Yes, please,” you manage. He tugs them down, silently noticing the slickness of your sex, and exhales shakily.

“How many times on average does it take for a guy to call you pretty on a given day before you get annoyed?” he murmurs, soft smile playing on his face. You smile too, head cloudy from his words, but it immediately drops when his lips press directly against your pulsing clit, kissing it softly.

“Fuck,” you say (Spencer would argue moan) softly (loudly). You let out a content sigh, and he moves to suckle it, actions becoming less and less delicate. 

It’s not harsh, but incessant. Spencer knows what you can take. He knows exactly what you can take. You’re both quiet for a bit, save for your breathy moans. 

“Spencer,” you say softly, ripping you both out of your individually hazy and dirty and distracted minds. “You’re too far away.” He looks up to you, face parallel to your aching core, hair beautifully messy and mouth glistening.

After a second, he grabs your hips, gently pushing you up against the pillows so you’re propped up at a better angle. He then shifts his body up wordlessly so he’s more above you, dipping his head down to give you a soft kiss. You taste yourself, tongue darting out to lick your lips.

His hand takes over where his mouth was, sliding in between your folds with a practiced ease. Spencer looks down at you, eyes wide and flitting between yours, searching for a reaction.

You reach out and wrap your arms around him, holding him close. “Holy shit, I love you,” you murmur.

His fingers lightly graze your clit again before one slides into you. “Angel,” he breathes out, so quietly. “I love you too. This okay? Are you okay?”

You nod feverishly and lift your hips to meet his hand, always in a perpetual state of wanting more, to be closer. Your bodies are melded so close together, barely giving him room to push his hand into you. He doesn’t even bother to ask you to use your words or keep your hips down, like he might on a regular night.

He pulls his head back to watch as he pushes another finger into you, stretching you just a little. “There we go. You always feel like heaven around me.”

Your eyes flit up to his face as he says those words, now having a little more room to observe him. You focus on the slope of his nose and curve of his mouth. 

“You’re so perfect,” you say quietly, adoringly, before you even realize it was true.

You blink at that thought. Spencer Reid is perfect, despite whatever universal odds deeming that impossible.

Those graphs, those formulas, now laying discarded & crumpled on the ground. They click, a little bit. You understand why Albert Einstein wanted to spend his life developing theories of relativity.

This is how Spencer sees you? What he was talking about earlier?

This is how he sees you?

The thought is almost too much.

Spencer sees your face, and not knowing what's going on in your head, slides down his free hand from your cheek to your carotid, feeling your racing pulse. “Take a deep breath for me, okay? You're about to come, huh?”

You inhale and are met with peace. Then your orgasm hits you like a wave. You clench hard around his fingers, and he just watches it happen, fascinated. “Baby,” he coos softly at you.

It wasn’t just your sensitivity he’s currently maximizing on or the little kisses he dips down to leave on your neck that sealed the deal, but the very thought that you could be loved in a way that is so perfectly impossible.

You exhale breathily as Spencer pushes you through the last trails of your climax, fingers not caring one bit that you just had your world tilted on its axis. 

“Spencer. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod,” you say eventually, overstimulated.

“You’re okay. Did so good.” he murmurs, fingers slipping out of you. 

His thumb brushes your cheek, wiping away a tear you didn't even realize was dripping down.

“Don’t cry, you always cry. It’s my birthday. Don’t cry on my birthday,” he whispers soothingly, affection lacing his voice.

“I’m not.” 

Another one falls. 

You reach and press out that perpetual little slope between his eyebrows with your thumb, gentle, like you might break him. “I’m not crying.”

Spencer lets you lie.