#and goddammit he’s trying. he’s trying

[mightiestpirate]

Run. Run. Run! Run, goddammit! He screamed at himself.

But instead, nothing came out of his throat as he fell to his knees, just pathetic breathing as he found himself gripping his head and trying to stop the feeling of his head splitting.

Needles... blinding and painful lights.... and stabbing. So much jabs and prodes and pokes and pain and it never ended.

Cocky scratched his ear. "Maybe... if Guybrush doesn't need me around," Cocky said, looking at the pirate.

Guybrush looked over reassuringly. “It’s fine.”

[emacrow]

Danny glared at Scarecrow man from the corner of his play table in the living room pt 3 by emacrow/creator

Stabbing his orange colored playdoh shaped scarecrow with his plastic fork as he stared hard at the sweating bullet Johnathan Crane, who was sitting in the dark purple couch with Lilith making drinks in the kitchen behind.

He could feel the dark energy radicating off this little toddler with the glowing eyes, teeth looking a bit too sharp as the kid stabbed the playdoh repeatedly.

"My mommy." Growled the possibility of a long lost distant related demon brat Robin.

Meeting the demonic toddler once more after 2 months after the wedding with his legs barely able to walk like a goddamm baby lamb toward the kitchen while Lilith looking more refreshed, moving easily the he was.

"You leave like the rest of them after I'm through with you, in the dirt."

That child is a dangerous little monster under an angelic face that can trick Lilith with how this kid attempted to have him killed on multiple occasions.

"She not your mommy."

Don't even get him started on the forever frozen icicles in the shower that almost killed him, fucking tiny plastic sword trap the kid's closet that was sharpen to almost stabbed him in the gut when he opened it to put away the brat's toys or the fake tantrum to scream so loud that his eardrums nearly went deaf.

"You don't deserve mummy."

Kid had a vendetta over him, just even being 3 feet close to Lilith without him death glaring him like a vengeful spirit.

The staring contest only lasted for a few seconds when Lilith came out of the kitchen with her favorite medieval mug of tea, a cup full of coffee with three drops of honey for him, and planet designed sippy cup full of hot chocolate and side of marshmallows for Danny.

That brat's evil face suddenly switched like a god damn switch, eyes sparkling with that gaping tooth smile staring at Lilith like she brought the moon itself to him, kissing her cheek with a soft giggle.

"Thank you, mummy." He said, sipping his sippy cup, his little feet swinging back and forth.

Lilith doesn't realize she was fooled by that demon in disguised.

Well, at least he got one thing on his side, which was the dark massive horse that lived in the backyard of Lilith home in the stable house. Nightmare was her name, and she was obsessed with him and scarecrow masks, probably due to the fear toxin residue.

Lilith had a stern talking to that stalker horse after he almost freaked out, seeing that horse somehow in his part of the closet trying to steak his ninth spare scarecrow outfit again to hoard in the stable right when he tried to get ready for the meeting, dragging Jonathan back to Lilith's house by his jacket.

He has evil plans to do goddammit!

Previous pt 2 link here<-

[miss-morland]

dennis in dtamhd is so bpd recovery coded i feel so much about it <333333

[rwyvernarts]

Man and his eldritch god worm friend

-Giratina remains hidden from other people, with its presence only evident in the questionably-alive nature of its host and his slow, unchanging pulse.

-of course, this pact is founded on keeping Ingo alive until he gets home. This is directly in opposition to a universe that actively tries to kill him, so things are bound to derail now and then. Fatal illness or injury? Giratina’ll fix that up within… a few weeks. Bear with it it’s learning the intricacies of the human body.

-Giratina may have a somewhat intangible presence, but it is still a foreign Thing and sometimes Ingo’s body tries to get rid of it, without success.

-but sometimes it all works out and the two operate as one. Although Ingo’s health is slowly declining in the long run, Giratina is able to provide internal support and keep him going no matter what.

[rwby-confess]

Confession #502

[whohasthecards]

What if Hangman has a shitty family, right? Sure, he had a relatively happy childhood, but they weren't happy with his career choices.

A day before an important mission, he visits them. Hangs around with his mom, messes with his siblings, plays with his nephews and nieces, and even talks to his dad a bit.

His dad got pissed though, and asked him why the hell is he crawling back.

Hangman was tense before he simply said that he wanted to spend some time with them. He left a bit after that, his dad scoffing at his son's typical behavior.

Hangman gets shot down on the mission.

When James Seresin opens the door, it's to two Naval officers in dress uniform. A Pete "Maverick" Mitchell and a Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw, with grim expressions asking if they can come in, and if Jake's sister is here.

James, his wife, his daughter, and his son, all sit on the sofa, as the two men explain that Lieutenant Jacob "Hangman" Seresin was shot down in active combat, no parachute, no possible chance of rescue, no body, declared missing in action, presumed dead. They are sorry for their loss.

"The kid was a good man, a good friend, if only I had more time," Mitchell would say evenly. "You're lucky to have had Hang-- Jake as a son."

"He talked about you guys, a lot," Bradshaw would say softly.

James couldn't believe it, he just saw his son a few days ago, right?

[steelthroat]

I have the OC, but I have a problem... how do I turn this:

Into this:

How do toy designers come up with this stuff anyway??????

[ohmigoshiloveu]

Okay so like. I still haven't managed to get myself to finish episode 9, so I don't fully know how Theo's glow up finishes, but regardless I fucking love relistening to Emizel's section of episode 1 and like. Fuck man Theo does a lot of growing. Like he's a little bit pathetic at the beginning of the series. He's so, so brave during the alleyway fight, but he sounds shaky and scared and like a sopping wet pathetic baby the entire time. Charlie specifically describes him as not very alert, not a great fighter, and gives him this little moment where it takes him a second to manage to crush a soda can. He botches the check to beat Emizel in Smash Bros so there's a chance he sucks at the related skills (dexterity and computers I think?), but also after he loses Charlie specifically has him sound super frustrated and conclude that he should've 'stayed in his lane'. When Emizel says 'We'll do what we do best,' and Theo immediately responds with 'drink soda?' so fast that the other players notice it. Charlie might've had that as a predetermined character thing. Theo drinks soda. There's not much else to him.

Which creates this interesting dynamic between him and Emizel, because Emizel is so much better at him at all of these skills that the people around them (a FUCKING GANG) value. Emizel's perceptive, and agile, and strong, and a great fucking fighter irl and in videogames AND he always sounds badass. He's the top dog, the apex predator in their social circle. And I think that colors their relationship a lot? Like Theo has to look up to Emizel. I bet that Theo's looked up to Emizel since they first met, maybe Emizel came crashing into his life doing something epic and Theo thought it was the greatest shit ever.

On the flip side, I was getting a few hints of resentment? Hear me out! It's that 'should have just stayed in my lane' line. He's painfully aware how great Emizel is, compared to how much he's (from his perspective!) just a one trick pony. He's here to drink soda and say funny things, that's all most people want from him and he fucks up whenever he tries to do anything else!

And later in the segment Theo snarkily brings up a medicine check that Emizel had just fucked up in like this super backhanded, super passive aggressive way. That could be him wanting to rub Emizel's one singular fuck up in his face (especially because Theo was having a Moment about how he feels like people only see him as the soda guy, so any feelings of inadequacy would've been dialed up to eleven, so if there was any time for him to resent Emizel it'd be then), but it could also be that he was frustrated with Emizel being an ass (Emizel had just guessed that Theo's dream was to be a nurse, which was flat out wrong, and that's literally what set up the backhanded comment. Theo was saying something like 'thank fuck you don't wanna be a nurse cuz you sure fucked up with nursing that guy earlier.' It could also be that Emizel literally almost forgot Theo's name. Theo literally gave him the 'th' sound, it might've just been a bit Charlie was doing or it could've been Theo being AWARE that Emizel almost forgot his name. Or! It could be that in this moment, where Theo was confiding in Emizel about feeling like being the soda guy was all anyone ever saw in him, Emizel said something to the affect of 'well yeah Soda's the fun one.' Emizel doesn't think before he speaks and literally has a 1 in empathy. Just because he loves Theo doesn't mean he's not gonna blunder into being a complete and utter asshole to him. I'd hazard to say Emizel accidentally being an ass to people he cares about is a running theme).

But also all of that might come down to Charlie still getting the character down. Or, because I've theorized before that Theo might not've been supposed to survive the first Gabriel fight, the little hints of bitterness might've been intentional (even if they were completely improvved and Charlie didn't mean to add that to Theo's character) because Charlie was trying to shove as much character into this character before he was gone, but once it became clear that Theo was going to stick around longer he dropped it. As far as I remember, that bitterness is completely gone in all later interactions we see with Theo. OR! It could be that the bitterness drops because they've both got bigger fish to fry from that point onward, what with Theo's Shilo Incident TM, Emizel's vampirism, the Weylin twins. He doesn't have time to be bitter, he's too busy worrying about losing a cornerstone of his identity or helping his best friend adjust to being a fucking vampire now. And then after he learns to live without soda that basically negates his feelings of inadequacy- like, getting over the idea that he's nothing if he's not the soda guy would be required for him to give up on being the soda guy. And then Emizel would drift back into JUST being a guy to aspire to instead of also being a reminder of Theo's short comings, and then drift even further down into being 'guy who is actually going through it and has to overcome his own demons just like I had to overcome mine'. Like, I think we got to watch Theo slowly start to take Emizel off this pedestal in real time (he still definitely thinks Emizel's hot shit tho. Emizel's his boy, after all.)

Regardless, even if Theo did resent Emizel a little in the beginning, it's so fucking clearly overshadowed by how much he fucking loved him. And like, how could he not? Imagine you're Theo, critically low self esteem, and the literal coolest guy you know fucking LOVES you. Like, Emizel keeps consistently going out of his way to pull Theo up to his level and to treat him as an equal (mostly. Sometimes protectiveness bleeds through, like in his hypothetical fang scenario in ep 1 where he predicts there being five Fangs to fight and he says he can take three and Theo can take two (which in itself is still incredibly kind to Theo. Like, boy, you thought Theo was gonna be able to take out two whole guys? Hell no.) But that could also be chalked up to Emizel just being a cocky ass who wants to show off). Like dude, c'mon. Emizel might be a reminder of everything that Theo's not, but he's also probably Theo's biggest cheerleader. He wholeheartedly thought he was being supportive when he said he thought Theo'd make a great nurse! In all seriousness, though, even if it ultimately discourages him, Theo playing that Smash game against Emizel was at least a little bit of proof of him decidedly not 'staying in his lane,' and Emizel seems to inspire that! Later in that segment he challenges Theo to see which of them can break one of the Fangs kneecaps first! I bet Emizel challenged him to stupid competitions a lot, and that got Theo fired up and competitive in return!

And even when Emizel's not building Theo up, he's still giving Theo special attention, or readily receiving any attention Theo gives him. If nothing else, even at his lowest points that might've made Theo feel cool by association.

On Emizel's part, I think he's like, possibly completely oblivious to any turmoil Theo's going through? Like he thinks Theo's the shit and genuinely sees him as an equal. I'm 99% sure that Theo being his right hand man happened because Theo would've put himself into the role (in episode one before he gets all of his character development he's pretty much always looking to Emizel for what to do, and still more or less does whatever he says up to where I'm at in the series, with refusing to leave the alleyway being the only exception I remember). I think if Theo'd had higher self esteem or been less eager to defer to Emizel, Emizel would've happily gone about his business slotting Theo into more of a partner role. He tells Theo to run from that alleyway because Theo'd taken a fucking devastating hit and Emizel was sure he could handle himself, not because he knows Theo sucks at fighting. He tries to turn Theo into a cool vampire. He convinces Shilo that Theo'll be a valuable asset to raiding the Weylin warehouse and they take Theo with them instead of having him stay behind with the car like Grefgore, despite Theo being the one who actually knows how to drive. He tells Theo about being a vampire even though he keeps it a secret from everyone else, confides in Theo that 'yeah he might absolutely be susceptible to going into a frenzy like Shilo did.'

When you get down to it, Emizel pretty much tells Theo everything he would think is relevant, with two notable exceptions. Maybe three if you count him not telling Theo he has nine lives like a cat but tbh I think he might've just forgot. Or maybe he gets to it later, or maybe he did tell him and I forgot! idk man! But! Those other two things. First off, he like. Pointedly does not tell Theo that he's a prince. Like when they were doing the recap on the way to the Weylin warehouse, there's like. Charlie gives Condi an opening to say it, a little 'is there anything else?' and Emizel just. Doesn't. And the second one is that (at least where I'm at) Emizel never comes clean about bloodbonding Theo. Maybe it just hasn't come up yet, but still. It fits a pattern of Emizel not wanting to admit something that makes him, like, ABOVE Theo somehow. He sees Theo as an equal, and a precious one at that, he doesn't want things to get weird between them because he's literal royalty, and he doesn't want Theo's life to literally revolve around him like it would under a level three blood bond- and doesn't want to admit that he even considered it, even if he did it without really understanding what it was.

And Emizel backing off from ghoulifying Theo after Arthur explains what it actually entails kinda leads into a far more headcanon-y relationship analysis thing so um. Feel free to skip the next paragraph.

So! Like. Why the fuck was Emizel so attached to Theo being Soda. Like he gets over it decently quick, cuz that's his buddy and it's what Theo wants, so like. Whatever. But like, if I'm right about Theo always looking up to Emizel from the moment they met, there might've been some wiggle room between when they first became friends and when Theo became Soda. And like, before Theo became Soda, being Emizel's buddy would probably be the only thing he'd feel he had going for him? Which would've made it even harder for Emizel to get them both on equal footing, and I think that's just... really unappealing to him. Like! Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Emizel loves having people kiss up to him and respect him and blah blah blah, I just think Theo being his boy and Emizel treating him like a partner go hand in hand. Either they weren't best friends yet or Emizel was just. Kind of uncomfortable and eager to push Theo into growing into something more than a hypeman. And then the soda incident occurs, and it gives Theo SOMETHING to define himself by, something people like him and know him for that's got nothing to do with Emizel, and maybe the initial soda incident was bad, but having that sense of identity and falling into what kind've feels like a class clown kinda role might've helped get Theo over his self esteem issues long enough for Emizel to go 'oh you're actually super cool. sweet.' and then blah blah blah they get super close like they are in canon. And then whenever Theo seems like he's backsliding into what he was before the soda incident, Emizel tries to course correct not because he doesn't think Theo's any fun without soda, but because he's made the mental connection that Soda without soda turns into less of a best friend and more of a follower, which as stated before he probably really doesn't want from Theo specifically. but idk. pure conjecture here.

Anyways, above all else, Theo's important to Emizel. I really, really like the idea that Theo was supposed to be like a brother to him (which. Again pointing at my 'Theo was supposed to die in episode 1' theory, can you IMAGINE the angst Emizel could've had about that? Lose one brother and then someone else claiming to be your brother shows up? It would've felt like some hellish, not-worth-it trade. Like a betrayal, like accepting Shilo might mean replacing Theo, and how could he ever?)

And Emizel's important to Theo! But unlike Emizel (who I'm 99% sure is gonna have some kinda moment with Theo but I genuinely cannot see him loving Theo in any other way than the way he does now), Theo has the bonus of having his view of Emizel have a clear trajectory to evolve over the course of the campaign. Like I said, he seems to be getting more confidence in himself and like, not gonna get into the stuff I've had spoiled beyond episode 9 but it seems like Theo's gonna get a lot more comfortable being a proper leader and not just a number two. He's gonna have an easier time seeing Emizel as an equal, and I think that's fucking awesome!

I could be completely off base, but if I never watch another episode then I'll never be proven wrong. So. Ya know.

[akkivee]

my hypster magazine finally came in the mail lmao and man the special feature talking about how the world is coping without mics is very interesting??? like:

crime as a whole is at an all time high

within ikebukuro, the police are doing fck all about it so the bb have volunteered their services to making the civilians feel safe

ichiro’s been a mediator within more casual disputes, expressing his desire to talk things thru if possible, jiro’s got his whole high school as a neighbourhood watch and saburo’s set up a huge surveillance system to keep watch

in yokohama, the sea port has been particularly targeted and the report says the police and yakuza have teamed up to protect the flow of commerce. katengumi has stepped up to protect the territory and rio is keeping watch via satellite images and drones

in shibuya, dice complains of disruptions in gambling dens and the lack of real gambling has dulled his senses lol. he’s trying to compensate by making his own gambling game lol and he hasn’t been able to pay his phone bill due to lack of funds so he hasn’t been able to talk to ramuda or gentaro

curiously, neither of those two were mentioned in the article, save for dice using the section to try to reach out to them

in shinjuku, the day is desolate and the night scene is busier than ever. doppo’s company has been particularly hit by logistics nightmares as they’re haemorrhaging money due to lost medical equipment. (doppo’s boss has been accusing him of stealing funds and doppo claps back asking what exactly has he been managing currently lol)

shinjuku central hospital has been at full capacity with patients due to the inability to fend off armed criminals. fragrance has seen a significant uptick in patrons

in osaka, businesses have taken a sharp turn towards maliciousness, with scams at an all time high. sasara and rosho advise not to go out at night alone, and rosho, as a teacher, further explains that adults have a duty to protect minors, especially as a person who has been affected by scams in the past. neither sasara nor rosho have heard from rei in a long while, stating dh is on hiatus because of it

in nagoya, petty crimes are up because there seems to be a restlessness amongst them without the mics giving the populace the power to stand out. hitoya himself watched a dude climb up nagoya castle literally for the memes. the court of law has been barren as of late so nobody is being tried for crimes but he believes justice will prevail in due time

kuukou and jyushi have taken up patrolling nagoya in order to persuade others into not doing crimes and all three of them still practice rap battling together

[sleepy-bear-tm]

Do you see the vision?

[amethystina]

Hi <3 I just wanted to reach out and wish you all the strength and comfort in the world as you navigate this difficult time. Your writing brings so much joy to readers like me, and I hope you’re surrounded by support and love.

If you don’t mind, could you share a bit more about Yohan's thoughts in "Thou Shalt Not Covet"? I’m intrigued by your take on him as someone with darker thoughts and sides, and I’d love to understand your perspective. (you previously mentioned that he had not-so-nice thoughts, which intrigues me greatly! and i wanted to ask if u could talk a little more about them)

Thank you for all the effort you put into your stories, they’re truly inspiring!

Thank you so much 💜 Admittedly, things are still pretty rough. I keep feeling stressed and disoriented and that just adds to the overall exhaustion I'm already struggling with. But I'll get through it eventually. I always do :)

As for Yo Han and his thoughts during Thou Shalt Not Covet?

WELL.

He's a right bastard, that's what he is x'D I mean, aside from the more obvious things he does to Ga On? Like taking his phone away — which is Ga On's only way of getting a taxi AND calling someone for help should the situation escalate — more or less blocking the door to keep Ga On from leaving, and interrupting whenever Ga On tries to speak?

As if that's not enough, Yo Han also does a lot of subtle manipulations to make sure that he maintains the upper hand and that Ga On is easier to nudge in the direction Yo Han wants him. Because while Yo Han starts out confused, unsure of what's going on, he soon realises that a) Ga On is now aware of the attraction between them, b) Ga On is very insecure about said attraction, c) Ga On is unhappy with Yo Han's commitment to their attraction, and d) Ga On is outright jealous.

And that's something Yo Han can work with.

Because this is Yo Han from around episode 10 of the drama and he's not a kind or considerate man at that point in time. So while he does give both himself and Ga On what they want in the end, make no mistake — the way he goes about it is problematic.

Aside from the aforementioned physical ways Yo Han is directing the situation, he also bluntly says: "Yes, I did have sex with him." And that right there? That's him trying to throw Ga On off balance. He wants to keep Ga On in a heightened emotional state so that he's easier to manipulate. And sure, while they both want the thing Yo Han is aiming for with his manipulations, that's still a red flag. Because Yo Han doesn't have to take that route. He could be much more understanding and gentle.

But he chooses not to be.

And the main reason for that is that Yo Han still has limits to how far he's willing to go — and how much of his own pride he's willing to forsake in order to keep Ga On with him. He chose to follow Ga On back to his room, sure — which I agree is pretty monumental — but he's not giving an inch until he's sure he's actually going to be gaining something from it. He keeps asking Ga On questions, figuring the situation out, then basically launches an attack to discombobulate and convince Ga On to give a relationship a try. During the majority of that conversation, Yo Han is intentionally making Ga On more desperate because he knows that'll make Ga On more likely to succumb.

And the fact that Yo Han wants Ga On to succumb isn't just because he cares about him and wants to smooch him — far from it. Because this is Yo Han and, naturally, he's already thought through every scenario and reached the conclusion that, hey, being in a relationship with Ga On will probably be beneficial for his revenge plot because it'll tie Ga On to him more firmly. It'll make Ga On less likely to leave and Ga On is very useful to Yo Han.

(not to mention that Yo Han wants to own every tiny fraction of Ga On's body, heart, and soul)

Starting a relationship with Ga On is a good strategic move, in other words.

It's a tactical decision more so than it's an emotional one.

And, in a similar vein, Yo Han would have chosen not to pursue Ga On if he'd reached the conclusion that it would risk his plans. Because, at this point in the drama, in Yo Han's mind, Ga On — and Yo Han's own desires — are below his revenge on his list of priorities. If their relationship jeopardised his plans, he'd end it. Without hesitation.

So while it may seem pretty romantic that Yo Han follows Ga On to his room and asks him those questions that prove just how many exceptions Yo Han has made for him, you gotta remember that nothing Yo Han does is accidental. He knows just what to say to make Ga On more dependent on him and, when you look at everything he said? Yo Han never once mentioned his own emotions. It was all Ga On reading between the lines and giving Yo Han the benefit of the doubt. He even dodges Ga On's attempt to trap him with the "What do you want it to be?" question by turning it on Ga On, asking if he hasn't figured it out yet.

Not once does Yo Han give an actual verbal answer — he just asks questions and allows Ga On to fill in the blanks.

Because Yo Han knows that he's made Ga On desperate enough that Ga On will fill those empty spaces with what appeals to him the most. By not offering any words himself, Ga On will add the ones he wants to hear instead — and they'll be sweeter, more emotional, more romantic — without Yo Han having to do a thing or surrendering any more of his pride by actually admitting to caring about Ga On.

Ga On does it all by himself.

That doesn't make the emotions any less true — Yo Han does care about Ga On a great deal — but he's not willing to say it at this point in their relationship. He's not willing to leave himself vulnerable or at Ga On's mercy. Because, deep down, Yo Han isn't ready for that kind of commitment, nor does he feel that level of trust towards Ga On.

So, instead, Yo Han makes sure to remain in charge during that whole conversation and uses every trick in the book to manipulate Ga On to his liking.

And sure, that may sound harsh, but that's who Yo Han is. If you look at the drama, that's how he behaves. He is this much of an asshole. He would use Ga On's emotions against him and exploit every weakness he can spot, just to get what he wants.

He's just lucky that, this time, Ga On wants the same thing.

That's not to say that Yo Han comes out of this unscathed, by the way. He thinks he has, being all aloof and untouchable, not realising that he's put himself in quite the pickle once they actually start growing even closer, both physically and emotionally. Which they'll do much quicker than in canon.

Because suddenly Yo Han will be getting fond little kisses whenever Ga On is near. And soft, warm smiles whenever Yo Han does something that makes Ga On happy. And he'll find out what sounds Ga On makes when he's so overwhelmed by pleasure that he can't even form words anymore. And he'll be struck dumb by how angelic Ga On looks in the mornings, sleeping peacefully next to Yo Han.

In short: Yo Han is doomed.

He'd soften a lot quicker than in the drama and his priorities might start shifting without him noticing. Because we all know he's helpless against Ga On's doe eyes and, sooner or later, he'll become that sappy, lovesick old man we all know and love.

So sure, Yo Han is abusive and toxic during this fic — which I don't think should be forgotten or excused — but he's also given Ga On the opening to manipulate him back. And while Ga On won't do it knowingly, Yo Han still won't stand a chance.

And I don't know about you, but I love that for him.

Yo Han won't know what hit him until it's already too late and then his only option is to accept his fate and love and cherish Ga On for the rest of their lives.

A+ scheming there, Mr. Abyss.

That didn't backfire on you at all.

[sol-consort]

ik I'm supposed to hate director Tann but he is so

[agni-ashes]

so i watched jimmy’s finale and uh. i’m thinking. so. since the old sheriff started treating sheriff jimmy like a kid/teenager i’m like. what if sheriff jimmy was legit a child. so when the revealing potion revealed that he’s short it’s not that he’s a toy it’s that he’s a literal child. idk but now i’m thinking that if sheriff jimmy was like idk 10 years old and ooh hoo hoo hoo i’m crying now. how much has he done?? how much responsibility has he taken, that little guy built an empire and made deals and took a stand against all these powerful adults who made fun of him and beat him down sometimes and rejected him and refused to believe that he was strong, that he was capable, that he was a good sheriff. and he still did his best. and. oh my god. they gave him a kid- he had to take care of his new charge- and he himself was just a kid. i’m going to cry.

[gnp-sara]

If you know, you know

[nejackdaw]

Thinking about Celann and his ever present grief at the life he could have had, he and his wife and (he always hoped) their daughter. A life where he was a father--he'd hardly ever wanted anything more than that. So full of love he was ready to burst and needed somewhere to put it, wanted a life with his favorite girls.

Thinking about how the ever present desire haunts him no matter how deep he buried it. It keeps coming back, relentlessly, this anguish that he threw it all away. He could have had exactly what he wanted and he was stupid enough to abandon it all, and for what? Because he was upset? But then he always remembers how hollow he felt after the incident, like if you rapped him with a knuckle you'd hear he was just a shell. He forgives himself, then, remembers how wrong everything felt, and he thinks about all the time he spent desperately trying to make everything feel right again.

Remembers when he realized he was the problem, what needed to be fixed. Removed.

He abandoned the life he had and every dream he'd ever held close because he wasn't him anymore. Celann would never have killed anyone, would never have done... that. He was some other Celann, different, trying to make himself fit in the life of a man that no longer existed. And so he left.

And he has no right to ache so badly at the thought of what he gave up, no right to ache at the loss of a family (of two families, but he starts thinking that and breaks every time, so he's gotten good at simply skipping over the thought) when he was a killer--an adept one, a practiced one--that could mangle and maul and kill and do it again and again. What right does he have to still want that happy little dream?

But the dream is a ghost and it haunts him, is there every time he's out on a supply run and sees kids playing around the marketplace, sees women cradling infants and fathers carrying sons on their shoulders. (He reminds himself of the blood on his hands, is scared he might stain them with it if he reaches out to touch them.) It's there when he has a bag and his axe hanging from his hips and finds a girl crying for her mother, lost and separated, jostled by the crowd.

It's there as he calms her, kneeling on wet and gritty stone, hovering between her and the flow of the crowd so they give her space. He lifts her and holds her against his side with one arm and something in him weeps, feels something soft in him as her tiny weight settles and she starts chattering at him about the groceries she and her mother came to buy.

They weave their way through the marketplace as they help each other--she tells him where he can find what he needs, and he silently curses the nords and their height as he tries to peer over shoulders to catch a glimpse of the woman she described--and that cold weight that's usually settled in his chest, his grief and remorse, lightens with every step. She's warm through his sweater and splutters indignantly every time the ever changing wind blows her brown hair into her mouth and he laughs, quiet and warm.

They check places she's already been, in case her mother doubled back looking for her, and take detours so Celann can fumble to place newly acquired groceries in the bag beneath her, unwilling to hold her over the side with his axe and equally unwilling to put her down, awkwardly shifting her weight as she laughs at him. He's silly for buying such expensive things, she tells him, and he light heartedly tells her Skyrim is silly for not having the things he used to use in High Rock. The revelation he hasn't always lived in Skyrim excites her to no end, and the rest of the trip is a Q&A of the sort only a small child can provide.

He feels warm inside, in his chest, where usually he feels vaguely cold at best, and for a moment he's reluctant to relinquish her when they finally find her mother, guided by the sounds of panicked calls of her name. There's a fond sadness as he sets her down on the stones again, and the woman looks at him oddly for a moment before the look turns knowing, though he's sure the conclusion she reached is slightly off.

She quietly asks if her daughter reminds him of her. He stands there silently for a moment, looking down at the little girl as she rifles through the things her mother's found.

He tells her yes.

[graham--folger]

“arthur, you’re my—“ WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE END OF THAT SENTENCE WHAT THE FUCK WAS IT