#and goddammit he’s trying. he’s trying
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Saving Grace Chapter 21
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Aurora Stark
Summary: The hour grows late, and Bucky tries not to spiral.
Warnings: mentions of memory loss
Series Masterlist
Bucky’s memories were like shards of a mirror; he would try to put them in their proper place, only for them to jut out in all the wrong directions. There was always another memory, or no memory at all—an empty fragment in the void of his brain. How could he ever be whole again without all the pieces?
He grappled with memory loss every day, ever since Wakanda. Shuri and Ayo removed the code words, but they couldn’t give him back the seventy plus years under HYDRA control. No one could. Aurora’s attempts to revive the man he once was were well-meaning, but she was a bit too idealistic at times.
He couldn’t blame her; she was a young woman, prone to flights of fancy, as all were at that age. Hell, when he was her age, he dreamt of being a scientist. World War II started, and he enlisted in the Army. The life he’d dreamt of shredded, along with his memory, every time he was put in the chair and his mind wiped. Every murder was a blemish on his soul. He was a broken man, tattered and tainted.
How could anyone love him? He was not the youthful man he’d been in the Forties. He was not the soldier off to fight someone else’s war in another country. He also wasn’t what HYDRA made him. At the same time, he was an amalgamation of it all.
He oft wondered if he could remember, would he want to? Would the happier times trigger more grief? These were the questions that kept him up at night. The ruminations of a wanderer in a cavernous expanse of darkness staring back at him when he closed his eyes.
Now, as the hours ticked by and every second counted, that expanse increased tenfold. Nagged at his conscience until he willingly opened the floodgate. It wasn’t a pleasant memory, but it reminded him why he was doing this in the first place. Because, as demons do, the temptation to leave Aurora with Baron Helmut Zemo had crossed the barren wasteland of his mind at least once during the near forty hours he’d spent searching for her.
Zemo, with all his finery, would make for a suitable partner. He could give her everything her heart desired; a private jet, lavish homes across Europe. She was a Stark. A demigoddess. What in God’s good name was she doing with a man like him?
~ * ~
Six years ago
“Goddammit, Aurora!”
The woman before him jolted, and immediately, he saw the tension in her shoulders. He didn’t have it in him to feel remorse. He stared at her with a hardened expression, working his jaw as he premediated a response to yet another of her sassy remarks.
When no such retort came, Bucky dragged his hand down his face and sighed. “I’m not— I’m not the man you want me to be. I’m sorry I can’t be him.”
Instead of extinguishing her fire, which he partly expected, Aurora smiled softly up at him. “Bucky, I don’t want you to be anyone but yourself. I know I can come off as willful and naïve…”
“You don’t say?” A small smirk tugged the corners of his mouth.
“Yes, I’m an idealist, but you have to understand… My dad is a genius, the innovator of our time. Kind of impossible not to absorb some of that idealism. But,” she stated with emphasis, “I’m not trying to push my beliefs on you. Do I think it’s cool that you’re from the Forties? Yes, I do. The best of both worlds. Innovation with good, old-fashioned values.”
“You certainly have a knack for blending opposing philosophies. Get that from your ma?”
Aurora laughed. “Maybe… I mean, she’s been around for eons.”
Suddenly, realization dawned on him, and his eyes softened. “I think I understand. You see a little of you in me, don’t you?”
Humming, she walked around the hut. Bucky knew her well enough to know when she did that, she was thinking. Tony did that, too, Steve informed him. “You’re a man plucked out of time, I’m a woman who will see just as many decades or more pass before my own time ends. I think too much about the concepts of infinity, eternity, forever, but I can’t quantify them, and that scares me.”
“Ah, so I’m a science experiment,” he said, grinning.
Matching his grin, Aurora shook her head. “You’re impossible. I’m impossible. Steve is impossible. Yet, here we are. Beings of myth and legend.”
“Legacy…”
“Yes,” she snapped her fingers and pointed, “legacy. The demigoddess and the Winter Soldier.”
“Sounds like a bad porno.”
“Bucky!” she giggled.
He crossed the room in two strides, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her close. “I don’t wanna lose you… I don’t wanna keep pushing you away… Can you accept that I may never recover from some things? Can you accept me for who I am?”
“Of course,” Aurora murmured in earnest. “I’m sorry for overstepping. I never meant to hurt you.”
He shuddered a breath, nodding. “I wanna see what you see in me…”
He closed his eyes, as she cupped her palm around his face. “I know I get carried away with potentiality, the future, but… I see you, Bucky. I love you. Just the way you are.”
He opened his eyes, staring down deeply into hers and getting lost in the golden pools of light. “You’re a lot like him, you know.”
“Who?”
“Your grandfather. He was a man ahead of his time. The night before my unit shipped out, I was at Stark Expo.”
“I suppose some things truly are meant to be.”
Bucky nodded, the lyrics of Elvis’ song cementing the moment.
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dennis in dtamhd is so bpd recovery coded i feel so much about it <333333
#that shrug gif got me thinking that i know exactly what he’s doing there#like. i absolutely understand the headspace where you’re upset but trying to hold it together because goddammit you are tired of losing it#you attempt to cheerfully push through the thing that’s bothering you and get out on the other side without exploding#the processing out loud where you’re almost having a conversation with yourself. having an internal dialogue out loud.#the big exaggerated movements in an attempt to express his emotions in a more acceptable way#tense and release. tense and release.#he’s trying so hard to laugh things off. he’s trying so hard to make it through those interactions without snapping#when you have bpd you have to find victories in inaction a lot#choosing not to engage in something you really want to. harmful or destructive behaviors#so you’ll be in the midst of an episode just white knuckling it trying not to fly off the handle and self destruct#and then you outlast the storm and you’re still standing there like. wait. it’s over?#it’s over and i didn’t do anything?#and it’s hard to feel like you’ve accomplished something when all you did was not do something. but you did!#it’s fucking hard ok. but you have to try#and goddammit he’s trying. he’s trying#this isn’t really about dennis anymore i guess#thanks glenn howerton for creating and portraying a character i find so relatable#iasip#dennis reynolds#cateposting
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Man and his eldritch god worm friend
-Giratina remains hidden from other people, with its presence only evident in the questionably-alive nature of its host and his slow, unchanging pulse.
-of course, this pact is founded on keeping Ingo alive until he gets home. This is directly in opposition to a universe that actively tries to kill him, so things are bound to derail now and then. Fatal illness or injury? Giratina’ll fix that up within… a few weeks. Bear with it it’s learning the intricacies of the human body.
-Giratina may have a somewhat intangible presence, but it is still a foreign Thing and sometimes Ingo’s body tries to get rid of it, without success.
-but sometimes it all works out and the two operate as one. Although Ingo’s health is slowly declining in the long run, Giratina is able to provide internal support and keep him going no matter what.
#schrödinger’s cat au#submas#ingo#warden ingo#tw blood#tw injury#tw body horror#tw emetophobia#the horrors are relative#for ingo this is nightmarish#but for giratina it’s just a diversion#they balance each other out#and yes ingo’s form when firing a bow is bad#he’s trying goddammit
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What if Hangman has a shitty family, right? Sure, he had a relatively happy childhood, but they weren't happy with his career choices.
A day before an important mission, he visits them. Hangs around with his mom, messes with his siblings, plays with his nephews and nieces, and even talks to his dad a bit.
His dad got pissed though, and asked him why the hell is he crawling back.
Hangman was tense before he simply said that he wanted to spend some time with them. He left a bit after that, his dad scoffing at his son's typical behavior.
Hangman gets shot down on the mission.
When James Seresin opens the door, it's to two Naval officers in dress uniform. A Pete "Maverick" Mitchell and a Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw, with grim expressions asking if they can come in, and if Jake's sister is here.
James, his wife, his daughter, and his son, all sit on the sofa, as the two men explain that Lieutenant Jacob "Hangman" Seresin was shot down in active combat, no parachute, no possible chance of rescue, no body, declared missing in action, presumed dead. They are sorry for their loss.
"The kid was a good man, a good friend, if only I had more time," Mitchell would say evenly. "You're lucky to have had Hang-- Jake as a son."
"He talked about you guys, a lot," Bradshaw would say softly.
James couldn't believe it, he just saw his son a few days ago, right?
#fanfic#top gun#top gun fandom#top gun maverick#jake hangman seresin#jake seresin#pete maverick mitchell#bradley rooster bradshaw#bradley bradshaw#angst#hurt/comfort#hangman is alive and trying to get back#he's cussing and in pain#but he's coming back goddammit#just gonna take him a bit#comes back and everyone is looking at him in shock#Hangman looks like shit and is disgruntled and just pushes past them looking for food#dunno why I wrote this just wanted to
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I have the OC, but I have a problem... how do I turn this:
Into this:
How do toy designers come up with this stuff anyway??????
#transformers#maccadam#steel rambles#shitpost#tf oc tag#goddammit#I already had my admiration and respect for designers and stuff#but fuck this hard when you try to do it yourself#ffs#he's Abode/wheelpad btw#still deciding#btw I've said it before I'll say it again#making a transformer oc is trouble#why did I even choose this specific kind of car?#because it gave just the right vibes#but fkn hell it's hard
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Okay so like. I still haven't managed to get myself to finish episode 9, so I don't fully know how Theo's glow up finishes, but regardless I fucking love relistening to Emizel's section of episode 1 and like. Fuck man Theo does a lot of growing. Like he's a little bit pathetic at the beginning of the series. He's so, so brave during the alleyway fight, but he sounds shaky and scared and like a sopping wet pathetic baby the entire time. Charlie specifically describes him as not very alert, not a great fighter, and gives him this little moment where it takes him a second to manage to crush a soda can. He botches the check to beat Emizel in Smash Bros so there's a chance he sucks at the related skills (dexterity and computers I think?), but also after he loses Charlie specifically has him sound super frustrated and conclude that he should've 'stayed in his lane'. When Emizel says 'We'll do what we do best,' and Theo immediately responds with 'drink soda?' so fast that the other players notice it. Charlie might've had that as a predetermined character thing. Theo drinks soda. There's not much else to him.
Which creates this interesting dynamic between him and Emizel, because Emizel is so much better at him at all of these skills that the people around them (a FUCKING GANG) value. Emizel's perceptive, and agile, and strong, and a great fucking fighter irl and in videogames AND he always sounds badass. He's the top dog, the apex predator in their social circle. And I think that colors their relationship a lot? Like Theo has to look up to Emizel. I bet that Theo's looked up to Emizel since they first met, maybe Emizel came crashing into his life doing something epic and Theo thought it was the greatest shit ever.
On the flip side, I was getting a few hints of resentment? Hear me out! It's that 'should have just stayed in my lane' line. He's painfully aware how great Emizel is, compared to how much he's (from his perspective!) just a one trick pony. He's here to drink soda and say funny things, that's all most people want from him and he fucks up whenever he tries to do anything else!
And later in the segment Theo snarkily brings up a medicine check that Emizel had just fucked up in like this super backhanded, super passive aggressive way. That could be him wanting to rub Emizel's one singular fuck up in his face (especially because Theo was having a Moment about how he feels like people only see him as the soda guy, so any feelings of inadequacy would've been dialed up to eleven, so if there was any time for him to resent Emizel it'd be then), but it could also be that he was frustrated with Emizel being an ass (Emizel had just guessed that Theo's dream was to be a nurse, which was flat out wrong, and that's literally what set up the backhanded comment. Theo was saying something like 'thank fuck you don't wanna be a nurse cuz you sure fucked up with nursing that guy earlier.' It could also be that Emizel literally almost forgot Theo's name. Theo literally gave him the 'th' sound, it might've just been a bit Charlie was doing or it could've been Theo being AWARE that Emizel almost forgot his name. Or! It could be that in this moment, where Theo was confiding in Emizel about feeling like being the soda guy was all anyone ever saw in him, Emizel said something to the affect of 'well yeah Soda's the fun one.' Emizel doesn't think before he speaks and literally has a 1 in empathy. Just because he loves Theo doesn't mean he's not gonna blunder into being a complete and utter asshole to him. I'd hazard to say Emizel accidentally being an ass to people he cares about is a running theme).
But also all of that might come down to Charlie still getting the character down. Or, because I've theorized before that Theo might not've been supposed to survive the first Gabriel fight, the little hints of bitterness might've been intentional (even if they were completely improvved and Charlie didn't mean to add that to Theo's character) because Charlie was trying to shove as much character into this character before he was gone, but once it became clear that Theo was going to stick around longer he dropped it. As far as I remember, that bitterness is completely gone in all later interactions we see with Theo. OR! It could be that the bitterness drops because they've both got bigger fish to fry from that point onward, what with Theo's Shilo Incident TM, Emizel's vampirism, the Weylin twins. He doesn't have time to be bitter, he's too busy worrying about losing a cornerstone of his identity or helping his best friend adjust to being a fucking vampire now. And then after he learns to live without soda that basically negates his feelings of inadequacy- like, getting over the idea that he's nothing if he's not the soda guy would be required for him to give up on being the soda guy. And then Emizel would drift back into JUST being a guy to aspire to instead of also being a reminder of Theo's short comings, and then drift even further down into being 'guy who is actually going through it and has to overcome his own demons just like I had to overcome mine'. Like, I think we got to watch Theo slowly start to take Emizel off this pedestal in real time (he still definitely thinks Emizel's hot shit tho. Emizel's his boy, after all.)
Regardless, even if Theo did resent Emizel a little in the beginning, it's so fucking clearly overshadowed by how much he fucking loved him. And like, how could he not? Imagine you're Theo, critically low self esteem, and the literal coolest guy you know fucking LOVES you. Like, Emizel keeps consistently going out of his way to pull Theo up to his level and to treat him as an equal (mostly. Sometimes protectiveness bleeds through, like in his hypothetical fang scenario in ep 1 where he predicts there being five Fangs to fight and he says he can take three and Theo can take two (which in itself is still incredibly kind to Theo. Like, boy, you thought Theo was gonna be able to take out two whole guys? Hell no.) But that could also be chalked up to Emizel just being a cocky ass who wants to show off). Like dude, c'mon. Emizel might be a reminder of everything that Theo's not, but he's also probably Theo's biggest cheerleader. He wholeheartedly thought he was being supportive when he said he thought Theo'd make a great nurse! In all seriousness, though, even if it ultimately discourages him, Theo playing that Smash game against Emizel was at least a little bit of proof of him decidedly not 'staying in his lane,' and Emizel seems to inspire that! Later in that segment he challenges Theo to see which of them can break one of the Fangs kneecaps first! I bet Emizel challenged him to stupid competitions a lot, and that got Theo fired up and competitive in return!
And even when Emizel's not building Theo up, he's still giving Theo special attention, or readily receiving any attention Theo gives him. If nothing else, even at his lowest points that might've made Theo feel cool by association.
On Emizel's part, I think he's like, possibly completely oblivious to any turmoil Theo's going through? Like he thinks Theo's the shit and genuinely sees him as an equal. I'm 99% sure that Theo being his right hand man happened because Theo would've put himself into the role (in episode one before he gets all of his character development he's pretty much always looking to Emizel for what to do, and still more or less does whatever he says up to where I'm at in the series, with refusing to leave the alleyway being the only exception I remember). I think if Theo'd had higher self esteem or been less eager to defer to Emizel, Emizel would've happily gone about his business slotting Theo into more of a partner role. He tells Theo to run from that alleyway because Theo'd taken a fucking devastating hit and Emizel was sure he could handle himself, not because he knows Theo sucks at fighting. He tries to turn Theo into a cool vampire. He convinces Shilo that Theo'll be a valuable asset to raiding the Weylin warehouse and they take Theo with them instead of having him stay behind with the car like Grefgore, despite Theo being the one who actually knows how to drive. He tells Theo about being a vampire even though he keeps it a secret from everyone else, confides in Theo that 'yeah he might absolutely be susceptible to going into a frenzy like Shilo did.'
When you get down to it, Emizel pretty much tells Theo everything he would think is relevant, with two notable exceptions. Maybe three if you count him not telling Theo he has nine lives like a cat but tbh I think he might've just forgot. Or maybe he gets to it later, or maybe he did tell him and I forgot! idk man! But! Those other two things. First off, he like. Pointedly does not tell Theo that he's a prince. Like when they were doing the recap on the way to the Weylin warehouse, there's like. Charlie gives Condi an opening to say it, a little 'is there anything else?' and Emizel just. Doesn't. And the second one is that (at least where I'm at) Emizel never comes clean about bloodbonding Theo. Maybe it just hasn't come up yet, but still. It fits a pattern of Emizel not wanting to admit something that makes him, like, ABOVE Theo somehow. He sees Theo as an equal, and a precious one at that, he doesn't want things to get weird between them because he's literal royalty, and he doesn't want Theo's life to literally revolve around him like it would under a level three blood bond- and doesn't want to admit that he even considered it, even if he did it without really understanding what it was.
And Emizel backing off from ghoulifying Theo after Arthur explains what it actually entails kinda leads into a far more headcanon-y relationship analysis thing so um. Feel free to skip the next paragraph.
So! Like. Why the fuck was Emizel so attached to Theo being Soda. Like he gets over it decently quick, cuz that's his buddy and it's what Theo wants, so like. Whatever. But like, if I'm right about Theo always looking up to Emizel from the moment they met, there might've been some wiggle room between when they first became friends and when Theo became Soda. And like, before Theo became Soda, being Emizel's buddy would probably be the only thing he'd feel he had going for him? Which would've made it even harder for Emizel to get them both on equal footing, and I think that's just... really unappealing to him. Like! Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Emizel loves having people kiss up to him and respect him and blah blah blah, I just think Theo being his boy and Emizel treating him like a partner go hand in hand. Either they weren't best friends yet or Emizel was just. Kind of uncomfortable and eager to push Theo into growing into something more than a hypeman. And then the soda incident occurs, and it gives Theo SOMETHING to define himself by, something people like him and know him for that's got nothing to do with Emizel, and maybe the initial soda incident was bad, but having that sense of identity and falling into what kind've feels like a class clown kinda role might've helped get Theo over his self esteem issues long enough for Emizel to go 'oh you're actually super cool. sweet.' and then blah blah blah they get super close like they are in canon. And then whenever Theo seems like he's backsliding into what he was before the soda incident, Emizel tries to course correct not because he doesn't think Theo's any fun without soda, but because he's made the mental connection that Soda without soda turns into less of a best friend and more of a follower, which as stated before he probably really doesn't want from Theo specifically. but idk. pure conjecture here.
Anyways, above all else, Theo's important to Emizel. I really, really like the idea that Theo was supposed to be like a brother to him (which. Again pointing at my 'Theo was supposed to die in episode 1' theory, can you IMAGINE the angst Emizel could've had about that? Lose one brother and then someone else claiming to be your brother shows up? It would've felt like some hellish, not-worth-it trade. Like a betrayal, like accepting Shilo might mean replacing Theo, and how could he ever?)
And Emizel's important to Theo! But unlike Emizel (who I'm 99% sure is gonna have some kinda moment with Theo but I genuinely cannot see him loving Theo in any other way than the way he does now), Theo has the bonus of having his view of Emizel have a clear trajectory to evolve over the course of the campaign. Like I said, he seems to be getting more confidence in himself and like, not gonna get into the stuff I've had spoiled beyond episode 9 but it seems like Theo's gonna get a lot more comfortable being a proper leader and not just a number two. He's gonna have an easier time seeing Emizel as an equal, and I think that's fucking awesome!
I could be completely off base, but if I never watch another episode then I'll never be proven wrong. So. Ya know.
#jrwi the suckening#emizel tucker#jrwi emizel tucker#jrwi soda#jrwi theo collins#theo collins#suckening thoughts#fizzfangs#jrwi the suckening spoilers#I also personally headcanon that Theo might've been like the first person to think Emizel was cool. Like. okay hang on.#I think Emizel didnt get a lot of attention growing up and learned to act out to get peoples eyes on him. Which fixed the first issue but#created a new one where all attention he got was negative attention#and then younger Theo who still feels painfully mediocre (in a way that TOTALLY wouldnt tie into him being neurodivergent adhd in canon)#and Theos getting negative attention without even trying. maybe its because his grades suck. Maybe he gets distracted or fidgety and gets#detention from being disruptive or for being accidentally disrespectful and Emizels also in detention because he blew up all the school#toilets and flooded the building. and more importantly Emizel is EMBRACING the negative attention that Theo cant seem to avoid#And it makes Emizel seem really fucking cool and Theo thinks hes really fucking epic and starts following him around and hyping him up#and then its genuinely the most positive attention Emizels ever gotten and he fucking eats it up. it pushes him to show off and go bigger#and it also gets Theo a very very special place in Emizel's heart. its just that Theo being kinda mediocre makes it really hard to hype#him up back the same way. Except- ya know- Theo fucking loves soda so Emizel can insta-win at positive social interaction if he keeps soda#on him#its like one of those kids who give out candy because they dont know how to make friends#Emizel give Theo soda because he genuinely doesn't have a frame of reference for a wholey positive relationship yet#and then whatever the soda incident is kinda just solidifies it. He's his boy Soda! Soda's his thing! Emizel loves him so much!#idk man this is all headcanon territory im just going insane am i even making sense rn#goddammit this might age like milk i have GOT to finish the suckening so i can brainrot properly
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my hypster magazine finally came in the mail lmao and man the special feature talking about how the world is coping without mics is very interesting??? like:
crime as a whole is at an all time high
within ikebukuro, the police are doing fck all about it so the bb have volunteered their services to making the civilians feel safe
ichiro’s been a mediator within more casual disputes, expressing his desire to talk things thru if possible, jiro’s got his whole high school as a neighbourhood watch and saburo’s set up a huge surveillance system to keep watch
in yokohama, the sea port has been particularly targeted and the report says the police and yakuza have teamed up to protect the flow of commerce. katengumi has stepped up to protect the territory and rio is keeping watch via satellite images and drones
in shibuya, dice complains of disruptions in gambling dens and the lack of real gambling has dulled his senses lol. he’s trying to compensate by making his own gambling game lol and he hasn’t been able to pay his phone bill due to lack of funds so he hasn’t been able to talk to ramuda or gentaro
curiously, neither of those two were mentioned in the article, save for dice using the section to try to reach out to them
in shinjuku, the day is desolate and the night scene is busier than ever. doppo’s company has been particularly hit by logistics nightmares as they’re haemorrhaging money due to lost medical equipment. (doppo’s boss has been accusing him of stealing funds and doppo claps back asking what exactly has he been managing currently lol)
shinjuku central hospital has been at full capacity with patients due to the inability to fend off armed criminals. fragrance has seen a significant uptick in patrons
in osaka, businesses have taken a sharp turn towards maliciousness, with scams at an all time high. sasara and rosho advise not to go out at night alone, and rosho, as a teacher, further explains that adults have a duty to protect minors, especially as a person who has been affected by scams in the past. neither sasara nor rosho have heard from rei in a long while, stating dh is on hiatus because of it
in nagoya, petty crimes are up because there seems to be a restlessness amongst them without the mics giving the populace the power to stand out. hitoya himself watched a dude climb up nagoya castle literally for the memes. the court of law has been barren as of late so nobody is being tried for crimes but he believes justice will prevail in due time
kuukou and jyushi have taken up patrolling nagoya in order to persuade others into not doing crimes and all three of them still practice rap battling together
#this is vee speaking#like i highly doubt they’ll put most of this in the drama tracks#so here’s some worldbuilding for y’all when the tracks come out next week(!!!!!!!!!!!!) lol#i love to see how proactive some of these divisions are lol shoutout to bb mtc and bat lol#dice is very funny but i am very concerned he’s out here in this new world without anyway to contact his support group lol??????????????#like not only it’s scary if something happened to him but what if something’s wrong with ramuda and/or gentaro???????????????#and he’s literally too broke to know lol????????????????#the dh section just like………. murdered me because it ends with rosasa wondering if rei’s just somewhere out there drinking without them#aka drinking by himself AND THEYRE………….. THEYRE AIKATAS GODDAMMIT A WHOLE SET DO NOT SEPARATE#i also think it’s neat both bb and bat are focused on trying to resolve with the power of words ::::)#ichiro’s the only one with rap on the entire album and bat’s the only section talking about their rap practices ::::)#lol and somewhat offhandedly hitoya is talking about justice prevailing in front of nagoya castle#and that’s actually nagoya castle’s catchphrase lol i wonder if that’s a very subtle sign for something lol
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Do you see the vision?
#IK IK HE'S BASED ON CATS AND LIKE CATS BUT HAVE YOU SEEN BORZOI'S?#You'd seriously try to tell me he wouldn't go: ...goddammit.#and take on personal care of the dog#sorry i had a vision and i fear i agree with it#bg3#wip#astarion#doodle#sketch#my art#digital art
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Hi <3 I just wanted to reach out and wish you all the strength and comfort in the world as you navigate this difficult time. Your writing brings so much joy to readers like me, and I hope you’re surrounded by support and love.
If you don’t mind, could you share a bit more about Yohan's thoughts in "Thou Shalt Not Covet"? I’m intrigued by your take on him as someone with darker thoughts and sides, and I’d love to understand your perspective. (you previously mentioned that he had not-so-nice thoughts, which intrigues me greatly! and i wanted to ask if u could talk a little more about them)
Thank you for all the effort you put into your stories, they’re truly inspiring!
Thank you so much 💜 Admittedly, things are still pretty rough. I keep feeling stressed and disoriented and that just adds to the overall exhaustion I'm already struggling with. But I'll get through it eventually. I always do :)
As for Yo Han and his thoughts during Thou Shalt Not Covet?
WELL.
He's a right bastard, that's what he is x'D I mean, aside from the more obvious things he does to Ga On? Like taking his phone away — which is Ga On's only way of getting a taxi AND calling someone for help should the situation escalate — more or less blocking the door to keep Ga On from leaving, and interrupting whenever Ga On tries to speak?
As if that's not enough, Yo Han also does a lot of subtle manipulations to make sure that he maintains the upper hand and that Ga On is easier to nudge in the direction Yo Han wants him. Because while Yo Han starts out confused, unsure of what's going on, he soon realises that a) Ga On is now aware of the attraction between them, b) Ga On is very insecure about said attraction, c) Ga On is unhappy with Yo Han's commitment to their attraction, and d) Ga On is outright jealous.
And that's something Yo Han can work with.
Because this is Yo Han from around episode 10 of the drama and he's not a kind or considerate man at that point in time. So while he does give both himself and Ga On what they want in the end, make no mistake — the way he goes about it is problematic.
Aside from the aforementioned physical ways Yo Han is directing the situation, he also bluntly says: "Yes, I did have sex with him." And that right there? That's him trying to throw Ga On off balance. He wants to keep Ga On in a heightened emotional state so that he's easier to manipulate. And sure, while they both want the thing Yo Han is aiming for with his manipulations, that's still a red flag. Because Yo Han doesn't have to take that route. He could be much more understanding and gentle.
But he chooses not to be.
And the main reason for that is that Yo Han still has limits to how far he's willing to go — and how much of his own pride he's willing to forsake in order to keep Ga On with him. He chose to follow Ga On back to his room, sure — which I agree is pretty monumental — but he's not giving an inch until he's sure he's actually going to be gaining something from it. He keeps asking Ga On questions, figuring the situation out, then basically launches an attack to discombobulate and convince Ga On to give a relationship a try. During the majority of that conversation, Yo Han is intentionally making Ga On more desperate because he knows that'll make Ga On more likely to succumb.
And the fact that Yo Han wants Ga On to succumb isn't just because he cares about him and wants to smooch him — far from it. Because this is Yo Han and, naturally, he's already thought through every scenario and reached the conclusion that, hey, being in a relationship with Ga On will probably be beneficial for his revenge plot because it'll tie Ga On to him more firmly. It'll make Ga On less likely to leave and Ga On is very useful to Yo Han.
(not to mention that Yo Han wants to own every tiny fraction of Ga On's body, heart, and soul)
Starting a relationship with Ga On is a good strategic move, in other words.
It's a tactical decision more so than it's an emotional one.
And, in a similar vein, Yo Han would have chosen not to pursue Ga On if he'd reached the conclusion that it would risk his plans. Because, at this point in the drama, in Yo Han's mind, Ga On — and Yo Han's own desires — are below his revenge on his list of priorities. If their relationship jeopardised his plans, he'd end it. Without hesitation.
So while it may seem pretty romantic that Yo Han follows Ga On to his room and asks him those questions that prove just how many exceptions Yo Han has made for him, you gotta remember that nothing Yo Han does is accidental. He knows just what to say to make Ga On more dependent on him and, when you look at everything he said? Yo Han never once mentioned his own emotions. It was all Ga On reading between the lines and giving Yo Han the benefit of the doubt. He even dodges Ga On's attempt to trap him with the "What do you want it to be?" question by turning it on Ga On, asking if he hasn't figured it out yet.
Not once does Yo Han give an actual verbal answer — he just asks questions and allows Ga On to fill in the blanks.
Because Yo Han knows that he's made Ga On desperate enough that Ga On will fill those empty spaces with what appeals to him the most. By not offering any words himself, Ga On will add the ones he wants to hear instead — and they'll be sweeter, more emotional, more romantic — without Yo Han having to do a thing or surrendering any more of his pride by actually admitting to caring about Ga On.
Ga On does it all by himself.
That doesn't make the emotions any less true — Yo Han does care about Ga On a great deal — but he's not willing to say it at this point in their relationship. He's not willing to leave himself vulnerable or at Ga On's mercy. Because, deep down, Yo Han isn't ready for that kind of commitment, nor does he feel that level of trust towards Ga On.
So, instead, Yo Han makes sure to remain in charge during that whole conversation and uses every trick in the book to manipulate Ga On to his liking.
And sure, that may sound harsh, but that's who Yo Han is. If you look at the drama, that's how he behaves. He is this much of an asshole. He would use Ga On's emotions against him and exploit every weakness he can spot, just to get what he wants.
He's just lucky that, this time, Ga On wants the same thing.
That's not to say that Yo Han comes out of this unscathed, by the way. He thinks he has, being all aloof and untouchable, not realising that he's put himself in quite the pickle once they actually start growing even closer, both physically and emotionally. Which they'll do much quicker than in canon.
Because suddenly Yo Han will be getting fond little kisses whenever Ga On is near. And soft, warm smiles whenever Yo Han does something that makes Ga On happy. And he'll find out what sounds Ga On makes when he's so overwhelmed by pleasure that he can't even form words anymore. And he'll be struck dumb by how angelic Ga On looks in the mornings, sleeping peacefully next to Yo Han.
In short: Yo Han is doomed.
He'd soften a lot quicker than in the drama and his priorities might start shifting without him noticing. Because we all know he's helpless against Ga On's doe eyes and, sooner or later, he'll become that sappy, lovesick old man we all know and love.
So sure, Yo Han is abusive and toxic during this fic — which I don't think should be forgotten or excused — but he's also given Ga On the opening to manipulate him back. And while Ga On won't do it knowingly, Yo Han still won't stand a chance.
And I don't know about you, but I love that for him.
Yo Han won't know what hit him until it's already too late and then his only option is to accept his fate and love and cherish Ga On for the rest of their lives.
A+ scheming there, Mr. Abyss.
That didn't backfire on you at all.
#Amethystina Replies#Anonymous#Thou Shalt Not Covet#I admit that sometimes I really don't want to get into Yo Han's head#Because it's not a pretty place#And his viciousness goes against my own instincts a lot of the time#But I try to respect his thoughts as much as I can#Because that's how I can keep him as in character as possible#But I would be lying if I said it's not terribly exhausting sometimes#Because he's so goddamn mean x'D#Anyhow#The friends who were visiting have gone home now#So I'm going to try and reply to all the asks I've gotten#And maybe comments#But I also need to edit stuff#But I also want to write#And draw#And read#I'm definitely going to exhaust myself in other words#Because I'm feeling stressed and behind schedule#And there's the funeral next week too#Goddammit
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ik I'm supposed to hate director Tann but he is so
#the autism rizz he has omfg#he treats every interaction as an exchange of equal values#Tann: so they opened an embassy for us. what are their expectations in return?#Ryder: be nice and respectful :/#Tann: ah appeal to their pride and ego. sensible#I LOVE THIS GREMLIN AAAA#☆Andromeda#☆Tann#☆screenshots#The fact he was happy when you sent in the Angara messages to the nexus unedited#Is he a shitty leader? Yeah#Is he the dumb of ass? Absolutely#But he is trying his best goddammit :( not his fault he was born with a pea-sized brain#if you shake him you can hear it rattling around like squeaky dog toy#wanna chew on his brain <- very.normal human behaviour btw
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so i watched jimmy’s finale and uh. i’m thinking. so. since the old sheriff started treating sheriff jimmy like a kid/teenager i’m like. what if sheriff jimmy was legit a child. so when the revealing potion revealed that he’s short it’s not that he’s a toy it’s that he’s a literal child. idk but now i’m thinking that if sheriff jimmy was like idk 10 years old and ooh hoo hoo hoo i’m crying now. how much has he done?? how much responsibility has he taken, that little guy built an empire and made deals and took a stand against all these powerful adults who made fun of him and beat him down sometimes and rejected him and refused to believe that he was strong, that he was capable, that he was a good sheriff. and he still did his best. and. oh my god. they gave him a kid- he had to take care of his new charge- and he himself was just a kid. i’m going to cry.
#empires s2#empires smp spoilers#GODDAMMIT#TEARS IN MY EYES#solidarity gaming#sheriff jimmy#HE’S A LITERAL CHILD#OH MY GOD#???#i know it’s not like confirmed that that’s what was up but IMAGINE if this was the case#heartbroken#imagine how cruel the other emperors must have seemed to him…#he was just trying to do this best#how did he do that#how did he get there to that position oh my god#THE TRAGIC BACKSTORY POTENTIAL#and he built it all up just for the fae to threaten his land and all his achievements and chase him out#oh my goodness#jimmy solidarity#you did not just do that!#agni watches#empires smp#agni screams
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If you know, you know
#link click#lu guang#if what they implied in ep1 with that lil scene is what i think it is#ha ha what if not his first rerun either#what if he has gone through this multiple times and everytime he fails to save []#nothing gets me going more than one person who's been fated to die and the other person going through hell and back over and over again...#just to try and save them..#when they know the outcome will be the same because its their nth time...#but goddammit will they f****** try because nothing is more important to them than this person.#link click spoilers
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Thinking about Celann and his ever present grief at the life he could have had, he and his wife and (he always hoped) their daughter. A life where he was a father--he'd hardly ever wanted anything more than that. So full of love he was ready to burst and needed somewhere to put it, wanted a life with his favorite girls.
Thinking about how the ever present desire haunts him no matter how deep he buried it. It keeps coming back, relentlessly, this anguish that he threw it all away. He could have had exactly what he wanted and he was stupid enough to abandon it all, and for what? Because he was upset? But then he always remembers how hollow he felt after the incident, like if you rapped him with a knuckle you'd hear he was just a shell. He forgives himself, then, remembers how wrong everything felt, and he thinks about all the time he spent desperately trying to make everything feel right again.
Remembers when he realized he was the problem, what needed to be fixed. Removed.
He abandoned the life he had and every dream he'd ever held close because he wasn't him anymore. Celann would never have killed anyone, would never have done... that. He was some other Celann, different, trying to make himself fit in the life of a man that no longer existed. And so he left.
And he has no right to ache so badly at the thought of what he gave up, no right to ache at the loss of a family (of two families, but he starts thinking that and breaks every time, so he's gotten good at simply skipping over the thought) when he was a killer--an adept one, a practiced one--that could mangle and maul and kill and do it again and again. What right does he have to still want that happy little dream?
But the dream is a ghost and it haunts him, is there every time he's out on a supply run and sees kids playing around the marketplace, sees women cradling infants and fathers carrying sons on their shoulders. (He reminds himself of the blood on his hands, is scared he might stain them with it if he reaches out to touch them.) It's there when he has a bag and his axe hanging from his hips and finds a girl crying for her mother, lost and separated, jostled by the crowd.
It's there as he calms her, kneeling on wet and gritty stone, hovering between her and the flow of the crowd so they give her space. He lifts her and holds her against his side with one arm and something in him weeps, feels something soft in him as her tiny weight settles and she starts chattering at him about the groceries she and her mother came to buy.
They weave their way through the marketplace as they help each other--she tells him where he can find what he needs, and he silently curses the nords and their height as he tries to peer over shoulders to catch a glimpse of the woman she described--and that cold weight that's usually settled in his chest, his grief and remorse, lightens with every step. She's warm through his sweater and splutters indignantly every time the ever changing wind blows her brown hair into her mouth and he laughs, quiet and warm.
They check places she's already been, in case her mother doubled back looking for her, and take detours so Celann can fumble to place newly acquired groceries in the bag beneath her, unwilling to hold her over the side with his axe and equally unwilling to put her down, awkwardly shifting her weight as she laughs at him. He's silly for buying such expensive things, she tells him, and he light heartedly tells her Skyrim is silly for not having the things he used to use in High Rock. The revelation he hasn't always lived in Skyrim excites her to no end, and the rest of the trip is a Q&A of the sort only a small child can provide.
He feels warm inside, in his chest, where usually he feels vaguely cold at best, and for a moment he's reluctant to relinquish her when they finally find her mother, guided by the sounds of panicked calls of her name. There's a fond sadness as he sets her down on the stones again, and the woman looks at him oddly for a moment before the look turns knowing, though he's sure the conclusion she reached is slightly off.
She quietly asks if her daughter reminds him of her. He stands there silently for a moment, looking down at the little girl as she rifles through the things her mother's found.
He tells her yes.
#celann#fucking girldad#guy who wants small house white picket fence and 2.5 kids forced to become a murderer#cant live with the guilt and horror and becomes a man he cannot recognize in the mirror more at 6#me thinking about this last night: he uses Adult Privileges to be tall and look out over the crowd#me writing this: his short ass cant see over everyone else#its fine enough when hes just in the fort like usual but then theres a crowd and hes like goddammit#anyway he has to go get his fancy ingredients because NO you CAN use that but it doesnt TASTE RIGHT#and so he has been banished to specifically get his own goddamn groceries#celann: im a cold blooded killer and i can never atone for the atrocities i have committed. i am incapable of good#also celann: 💞💞💞😊😊😊#the loss of self after the incident really fucked him up he doesnt know who he is#he keeps trying to categorize himself and neatly file himself away but the fact remains#he is both the old celann and a new one simultaneously#however he feels tainted by his actions and thinks of the Before as like a purer time and he is not a pure man#so CLEARLY he is not AT ALL the old celann and those good traits are gone#anyway he goes soft when theres kids just absolutely melts#like the only guy in the dg that can be trusted to watch a small child#also in case it wasnt clear when the mother akss 'does she remind you of her' shes assuming his daughter is dead#shes asking if her daughter reminds him of his own#delivering your typical celann angst and remembering when i said i should write happy things for him#unfortunately this has not happened yet the happy things just happen in my mind
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it's so disappointing when almost all handsome jack fanart is inaccurate :(( like, people just blatantly ignoring very Important character design details. It happens in fics too, where people will simply ignore basic details about his design.
Specifically, here, im referencing 1. him being brown and 2. him being disfigured and disabled.
If you actually look at his models, you can very much tell he's Not White and barely anyone draws him with his real skin tone!!! everyday i see so many cool pieces of fan merch or fanart and then im like 'oh nope he's a different color nevermind'
and then on top of making him paper white they'll draw him with this small shaky line across his face when, in canon, he was disfigured so heavily he needed to get a prosthetic face. that and HE'S HALF BLIND!!! HE LOST AN EYE!! IT WAS SET ON FIRE????
it's gross seeing people completely ignore his accurate injuries to try and make him the stereotypical Sexy Man with Clear White Skin
i know that most people probably dont know that jack is half blind but if you look at his unmasked face, he very clearly is! whether his mask has a cover up eye, or he's wearing a glass eye, or its cybernetics is never explained but when he takes his mask off his left eye is gone/scarred over! and the vault scar has severely carved into his face!!! you can SEE how deep it digs in!! barely anyone draws him like that :((
his mask isnt just covering some dainty little scrape, it's a prosthetic that aids his disability! that AND HE'S FUCKING BROWN.
EDIT: AND HE HAS GRAY HAIR!!! THAT BITCH IS AGING!!!! SHOW IT YOU COWARDS!!!!
#handsome jack#borderlands 2#i am SERIOUS about my comfort characters/f/os#also looking at his model again to remind myself what he fully looked like i realized he's missing his left eyebrow too!!#do people just????? not look at references??? or maybe they just dont feel confident drawing that intense of scarring but#idk#practice???#draw my husband the way he actually is goddammit!!!!!!#he's fucking sexy as hell as he IS!! stop CHANGING HIM#that and stop trying to make him Hot Cishet Man he's pretty let him be pretty
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“arthur, you’re my—“ WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE END OF THAT SENTENCE WHAT THE FUCK WAS IT
#EDIT: IM DUMB AND FORGOT WHAT OSCAR SAID LIKE. LAST EP (arthur’s his purpose)#malevolent#malevolent spoilers#and arthur immediately refuting it like he understood what he was trying to say GODDAMMIT I AM ON THE GODDAMN FLOOR#‘i know you feel that. but it can’t be true’ HELLOOOO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO INTERPRET THAT IN A HETEROSEXUAL WAY#i swear to god if we don’t get to see oscar again—harlan i am in your walls
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I want to write something but I can't quite decide on any good ideas for the things I want to right. So here's some things from the squip horror au
Jake Jason has been having weird dreams and memories that are surely not his own... right? Ever since meeting the blonde guy at a party...
#1
I met this guy. Briefly, might I add. He’s close with one of the cast members. Christine’s friend, I believe. Dirty blonde hair that gets in the way of his eyes. I couldn’t tell what colour his eyes were. Maybe brown? It was dark. It was a party with the cast and friends. I managed to slip away from my management team for a while and that’s when I met him. He had purple in his hair. There was just something about him. Like I’ve seen him before? I haven’t. I didn’t even catch his name. I would like to see him again.
#4
I’m having nightmares. Every night seems to be a loop or continuation. A fire. And I’m always running through the fire and it’s like I can feel the flames. And I’m always looking for a blonde boy with red in his hair. He’s holding the matches. Sometimes I reach him, sometimes I don’t. It feels all too real.
#9
I don’t know why I keep track of these. These dreams just seem too real. And Rich is in all of them.
#10
Since when did I know his name is Rich?
#19
Who the fuck are you? What the fuck is this?
#20
I don’t remember that last note. I don’t think I remember anything from last night.
#lohst.txt#bmc#be more chill#jake dillinger#rich goranski#richjake#< vaguely#squip horror au#i wanted to write something horror. maybe something vampire#(royal pains vampire au my beloved....)#or the thing I said i wanted to write about richjake and violence because of that one boat boys animatic#but i couldnt figure it out so here's this instead#anyway i don't think jake would be leaving himself messages on his notes app but oh well#jason would. especially when things start getting weird. when jake's memories start bleeding into his own and he starts questioning things#just thinking the horror on both sides. jake realising something has taken over his life#jason realising that there is someone else in “his” body. or that this body isn't really his#neither of them feeling like they have any sense of control#but jake wants his life back and jason doesn't want to disappear#im actually still unsure on the jason thing#on one hand i could play it like this. like a genuine consciousness (not sure if that's the right phrasing) has formed#it has thoughts and feelings. it could be just like any other person#except it was never supposed to exist#and then i get to play with the conflict between jake and jason#or jason is purely the squip. like. literally just the robot wearing jake's body#i get these sound similar but i imagine the second option is less someone finding out that this isn't their body#and they never actually existed#(goddammit tumblr and the 140 character limit in tags you keep ruining my train of thought)#and more the squip purposefully trying to keep jake's consciousness suppressed#every action from the squip as jason is very calculated and nothing is really genuine#whereas if jason was less squip then any action/reaction/emotion is genuine
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