#ugh anyway sleep will help all this
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Yeah ik there's something pure sweet about Lucanis feeling safe enough to sleep a full night around Rook etc but bloody hell he looks fucking exhausted 😭
It's honestly all the more impressive he's even functioning, let alone at the high level he is, given how tired he looks
Honestly the day he's had more than one night's worth of a full sleep, it's so over for everyone lmao
#yes ik sleep deprivation was v much part of his training#however#ugh i just need the guy to get some rest omg#cerys is right there ready to help him with that#she'll start waxing lyrical about her favourite style of pen and stock the lighthouse with horlicks instead of coffee#��count sheep with me” “really?” [they get to 200 and she gives up]#honestly im sleep deprived and all i get it bb#(not as bad but still)#anyways#she talks!#dragon age#veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard#lucanis dellamorte#datv#davg
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hhhhhhh wish i was at puppys rn :(
#my ex be like 'i feel like you hate me extra today' like first of all why would you say that. second idk how to help you#anyway. wanna say smth to puppy ab wishing i was at his listening to music and napping but. i probably wont#bc id have to leave at like 8:30a i think. and i cant have 2 bad nights of sleep Or wanna wake him up tmrw :( or have to remember#everything to bring from home. ugh#anyway :(#talk tag#edit: said it and he essentially said come over. but i dont wanna wake him up at like 8a :( i hate being an adult#UGH!!!!!!!!!!!
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#sighhhhh apparently im not really over that traumatic thing that happened on christmas years ago#i was trying to ignore it bc its fine. it doesnt affect my life any more. it happened so long ago#but i was so anxious going to sleep last night and then i had some horrible dreams and i just woke up with a pit of anxiety in my stomach#im not even that anxious or panicking about the traumatic thing though. my brain just hit the panic button and i cant stop ruminating#what if it never happened. what if i made different choices. what if i *was* different bc obviously everything is my fault#(i know its not)#anyways. ignore me sorry for vague mental illness posting on a holiday#but maybe i just need to stop celebrating christmas#but i dont think it would stop just like it didnt stop when i stopped celebrating my birthday :(#smh fandom holidays would never betray me like this#ugh i need to get up bc i know seeing other ppl will help but i just want to sulk in bed all day#ill probably delete this later#vent#personal
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my emotions are all over the place👍🏻
#i don't like using this account to vent my emotions or whatever but ugh#im packing up the rest of my stuff and i have a lot of pent up resentment towards the people im moving away from#some shit happened a few months ago where i was essentially forced into getting help for my mental health#it uprooted my life really suddenly which for someone like me#is not good. ever. at all.#i don't know. they were just trying to help but i still hate them for it#maybe not hate but im still very upset#anyways. im going to try and sleep so i can do stuff tomorrow#wolfbaitbf𓃦
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#I genuinely hate being disabled sometimes because any plan or goal takes me several times longer#and its like ugh because this also just means MOST my plans and goals fall through#especially anything that takes time over the course of several days to do which turn to weeks which turn to fuck this shit it's not worth i#I'm usually not to bothered by this because I've just radically accepted my life is going to look boring and uninteresting for the#sheer lack of shit I can't accomplish. My 'looking' boring and uninteresting is fun and fine enough to me...#but sometimes its like no that is fucking upsetting I literally just want to do things and isn't that really the only reason to live#is to experience what living has to offer? Ie; doing things especially things you enjoy#fuck anyway in other news since my fire alarm incident the other day I can't sleep my brain won't let me because it's all 'it's going to go#off again' Which doesn't help that is HAS done that since I made that post....
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Huh.
Thanks to all the strangers who liked a single post, and thanks to all the weirdos who stuck around.
But also, what? I pretty much do nothing.
I occasionally reblog stuff, sure, but not a whole lot.
Sorry for the long tags. I'm just going slightly insane and didn't want to make a mile long post. (Also, did anyone know that there's a tag limit??? It's 30 tags apparently.) (also also, because tmi, im disabling reblogs.)
#100 likes#tumblr milestone#thank you#dont worry it hasn't gone to my head too much#i was going to write a whole bunch about how “oh but i don't do anything!”#but i realized that that would be dumb#this definitely feels undeserved. but considering that its cumulative over a long time it's not that crazy#i was also going to write about how most of my posts are just because I want attention. but that's kinda the point of social media.#also i need to unpack that more. probably not online.#i feel like a faximile of all the wrong parts of the blogs i like#i simultaneously need more and less inhibitions#i was writing a whole bunch of stuff (like a LOT) but then i remembered this isn't quite an endless void to yell into#I've definitely got problems and tumblr seems like an inadvisable solution#ugh. i promise that i am actually loved and stuff irl. i just struggle to ask for help and I'm too stoic for my own good#it'd just be awkward to start asking for help because I've dug myself in too deep without asking for help#edit: where i said stoic earlier also add stubborn.#whoops. starting treating this like a void again#I'm probably just burnt out too. I've heard that's common for gifted kids. (new lore: i was labeled as gifted)#I'm going to stop writing this in the tags of a random ass post#some of what I've written would make more sense with the tags i deleted. whatever.#im just#yelling into the not-quite void#so i don't want to start a conversation about any of this because I'm just thinking about it myself#after re-reading this i have determined that its incomprehensible. too bad. I've gotta get some sleep#y'know what? heres a summary of the tags i deleted#i overcomplicate things and will likely not stop#im bad at talking about stuff because i verbalize it and then think more and then negate what I've already said#I'm failing an English class because of the aforementioned overcomplication of things#all of this is almost certainly TMI but too bad. its incomprehensible anyway.#re: more/less inhibitions. more as in no tmi. less as in i should reblog more. (eg: i have 69670 liked posts vs 486 posts)
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my niece is staying with us for the whole weekend for the first time. until now it's always been one night only, not two.
it's the second night now and I have already decided this is not happening again anytime soon. I'm so fucking exhausted. it'd be less exhausting if it was my nephew, I think - he's older and also doesn't need as much help (even when he was her age).
I love my niece but she just asks so many questions. like when we're watching a show or a movie, even if it's one she has seen before (even multiple times), she doesn't understand what's going on and constantly asks me to explain everything. I don't mind it, really, but it does take a lot of energy. plus tonight it took over two hours for her to fall asleep because she was scared by the noises of the house and the nearby road. I get it, but damn I'm so fucking tired, I just want to sleep 😭
#my nephew will get to stay for two nights soon so that it's fair and everything#but then I think we'll go back to one night only for a while#I just can't sleep when someone else is here. and I do not handle being tired well. or rather being even more tired than usual#so yeah no this is too much#I'm so glad I don't have children. I literally would not survive#we played board games with her today. her idea. she chose the gsme#but it was so fucking difficult.....#I think most kids would have understood this game at like. 10 maybe. probably before that really#she's 12 and a half and just did not get it at all#she's got difficulties learning and she's finally getting (more) help for that in school now but I'm really.. a bit shocked that it took#this long for her parents to accept that#she's a great kid but it's been obvious since she started school that she needs more help#so anyway yeah it's 3am and I think she finally fell asleep after I put Charmed on for her#I've got a massive headache and I'm so fucking tired I feel like I'm losing my mind lol#couldn't sleep last night & I hope it's better tonight. but having someone else here is stressful.#ugh I wish this wasn't so hard for me. I want to be the fun aunt (I'm their only aunt.. aunt-like person... whatever) but I know I get more#and more impatient when they're here. I hate that. but I can't change it. I've tried! for 10 years! but it didn't work#don't get me wrong - I'm never mean or angry with them. I just get somewhat annoyed and I know it's noticeable and I hate that#they don't seem to mind. they love visiting us. but I don't like it because I hated the way adults treated me when I was a kid so I want to#be better#:(#anyway I have to sleep now or tomorrow will be hell :)#personal
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why can’t my brain just. Move on. why can’t it stay moved on from things for longer than a week. I try so hard and yet I always end up sad again what is wrong with me why can’t my brain just knock it off I’m so tired of this.
#I finished new girl and it all went downhill#rewatching new girl helps#I know I need to like#change my living arrangements#that’s what I really want#but it’s easier said than done :/#why can’t I move on when other people seem fine#I don’t understand it#and ik my grief is concentrated in one area but it’s really about a lot of things#I just. I’m almost 25 I don’t know how to break free#what’s wrong with me#I have so few irl friends and no one who’d want to live with me#I feel like so often people only message me when they need something (mainly irls im talking about)#(irls who aren’t on tumblr !!!!)#I just want to be pursued more I’m so tired of pursuing#I did it so much I bled myself dry and for what#a year of mental health wasted#a fucked up perception of love and everything#safe spaces ruined forever#I’m just rambling now I need to go to sleep#but like I did therapy I read books I talked my head off I try and try I try all the things but nothing sticks#I create art and it helps for a little bit but the high always wears off#I should not have to meet new people to be better I can’t rely on people to fix myself I want to fix myself MYSELF#anyway#personal#vent#cadence rambles#and now I have CELIAC DISEASE YAY I’m half convinced my terrible mental health activated my celiac gene🥰#I’ll be ok I just#ugh. writing it out helps a little
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Bought a stupid suit thing. Disgustang.
#speculation nation#i got it on sale but it was still kinda expensive. ughhhh#hates every part of that. it's so stiff and uncomfortable and unnatural feeling.#but business professional is the recommended attire... so to that i went...#felt bad staying so close to close but the employees were nice about it at least. and i still got out b4 they closed (barely)#i wanted to go shopping earlier today. in between class and orchestra. but allegedly attendance is required in the lab.#so i went. didnt really feel like attendance was taken. but i still went.#still gotta finish prepping my resume but i dont think itll take Too long... i got a template to follow#from my web coding class actually. bc we just happen to have a resume building assignment this week.#so by working on my resume im working on the lab!! yay!!!#except im not doing the lab resume rn. just the normal resume. the template is still helpful tho.#also need to do a bit of research into the companies that are there and the interview style thingie#GOD this is going to be a whole hassle. i dont wanna wrinkle my stupid suit so i shouldnt stuff it in a bag.#and i dont wanna BIKE in the stupid suit. so im thinking of driving up to campus. forking over the money for guest parking#do the stupid career fair then drive back home to change and then go back up to campus on bus or bike in time for bowling#hopefully. we hope. nonzero chance of having to miss bowling and web coding classes tho. depending on how long i spend at this thing.#ultimately career bullshit is more important than one day of bowling so like. whatever.#but i still want a reward for sucking it up and going to the stupid career fair anyways. even tho i Really dont want to.#im already planning on skipping my first class. he made it sound like it would be fine + expected. so we can go to the career fair.#and that opens up a good amount of time so. doing that. and then hoping i can make it to bowling class...#it's funny to imagine if i didnt have time to go back home to change. me showing up to bowling in a suit.#im not doing that tho. this shit was too expensive to risk it doing physical activity.#BLARGH i am so supremely grumpy going to this thing. i dont want to. at all. i hate all this Professional Attire bullshit.#but i need to... and i already went thru the hassle of getting the damn suit... might as well just go.#i will simply pout and grumble the whole way. until tomorrow where it'll be full social smiles and whatever the fuck.#need to get enough sleep to make talking easier. no time for any fun stuff tonight.#need to find my damn. razor. bc i need to shave my little mustache thing probably. for 'professionalism'. ugh.#kicking and screaming this whole way. man i dont think i even own an ironing board. gonna have to hang the shit up and hope for the best#longest sigh imaginable... i just wanna write....... or play video games...... wahhhh#at least itll be over tomorrow. but then i will have to do presentation stuff for thursday. ughhhhhh
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I'm experiencing Sirius brainrot per usual so here are some of my thoughts on him singing
I think Sirius can sing
And well for that matter
It's a combination of natural talent and musical lessons he took as a kid
But he can just
Sing
He doesn't sing very often (and when he does it's often classic rock)
But he can easily hit notes and his voice is just
So pretty?
Makes you want to stop and listen
The Marauders love it
They were floored when they found out tho
And James tries to get him to sing all the time
(James can't sing)
But he only really sings if he's in a really good mood, if it's a distraction for a prank, or if he's drunk and it's karaoke night
He kills karaoke night by the way
With the vocals and the insane charisma the crowd is just in the palm of his hand
The first night Sirius gets up on stage and does karaoke it's talked about for weeks
But I digress
What I'm really thinking about is Sirius singing smooth jazz
It's not his genre of choice,
But his voice could fit it so well
Smooth with rasps at the appropriate times and able to hit both low and high notes?
Perfect
It happens one day when Sirius and Remus are studying in the common room or their dorm and Remus is playing smooth jazz from his gramophone (bc Hogwarts tech)
It's not his genre of choice, but the melody is catchy and he likes the beat
And so Beyond the Sea by Bobby Darin is stuck in his head
Thoroughly stuck in his head
He spends most of the day humming it quietly
But in the evening when they're just lounging around the common room,
He starts to sing it
Softly, under his breath
He doesn't even realize he's singing aloud
He's just singing while staring off into space and fidgeting with something
Peter notices it first
His eyes go kinda wide when he looks up and realizes who's singing and he immediately nudges James
James immediately smiles broadly
He loves when Sirius sings
James kicks Remus who glares at him until James gestures his head toward Sirius
And Remus's jaw drops
He's heard him sing, but not like this
(Take that platonic or romantic either way Remus would love it)
And maybe his voice gets a little bit louder as the song rises
But he still doesn't really notice
And he doesn't notice when one by one, the whole common room quiets
Because Sirius's voice is addictive and is the type makes people just stop to listen
And honestly some are just surprised
Bc that boy can croon
He sings the whole song through
And it's absolutely perfect
When he finally finishes, he abruptly becomes aware of the silence
And he kinda blinks blankly at everyone staring at him
"What?"
"Flitwick is gonna be so pissed you never joined his choir"
#anyway#yeah#sirius can sing#not only that#but he can croon#CROON#ive been thinking about this for days#his voice would be so nice#i bet hed sing to help his friends sleep too#ugh#just sirius singing#thats all#sirius black#sirius black headcanon#young sirius black#the marauders#marauders brainrot#sirius black brainrot
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent post#vent#cw vent post#cw vent#cw health#cw medical#cw medication#cw death#death mention#after nearly 2 weeks of unexplained pain and Symptoms and working myself up into the worst panic attack of my life#i finally caved and went to urgent care :)#it’s not lost on me that the same thing happened a little over a year ago. not bc of the same symptoms but it’s the same fear of dying#smthn smthn if i had a nickel smthn smthn weird that it happened twice. i rlly hope this doesn’t become a pattern#i can picture it now. every spring i walk in and they’re like ‘ugh it’s the neurotic hypochondriac with 4 anxiety disorders again 🙄#wonder what they think they’re dying of this time!’#sigh. anyways i’m fine. probably.#the consensus was ‘no you’re Probably not gonna have a stroke and die. you’re just Very stressed and in a lot of pain.’#got diagnosed with Stressed Guy Syndrome so now i take ✨painkillers✨ and ✨muscle relaxers✨ 🙃#they wanted me to take a steroid shot too but that felt like overkill. it’s also a big step for me to be willing to take anything at all#not bc i’m scared of getting a shot in the neck i’m just. scared of medication in general. the side effects. the potential for dependency.#it’s only for a week but i’m still uncomfy with it. but it Is nice to be in less pain. tho i have my doubts that it’ll help long term#time will tell. but i still can’t shake the fear of the tiny chance that it Could be more serious. but it’s not big enough for them to test#for it so. just gotta live with the fear. which in turn is making it hard to relax. which is what i’m supposed to be doing. so.#anyways. i Hope the meds work and i don’t end up back there next week spending More money and seeking more treatment#sighhhh i just can’t catch a break these days. it’s Always Something#at least the electricity and internet are back on after the tornado last week. and at least i’m not in much pain for now. silver linings.#sorry to everyone i’ve unintentionally ghosted but it’s been hard to think through the pain and now the meds are making me eepy#hopefully i’ll recover and recharge my social battery sooner than later. bc i do feel v bad abt it#and it’s So nice to sleep without much pain so i’m. taking advantage of that this week. Seven Try To Relax Challenge 2024
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Every time a new Bloodborne comic comes out and the Nameless Hunter is nowhere to be seen, I am not at all surprised but eternally disappointed.
#sin speaking#(YES I KNOW THEIR STORY IS OVER BUT DO I GIVE A DAMN?? NO I DONT!!!)#(i owe everything to them!!!!!!! theyre the reason im even in the bb fandom!!!!!!!)#(well. I care. I CARE DEEPLY ABOUT THEM.)#(honestly. ugh. death of sleep restructured my brain in unthinkable ways)#(and this isnt to say i dont enjoy the other comics btw lmao i have read and enjoyed them all)#(But WHERE A R E THEY????? HOW AM I MEANT TO GO ON....)#(hi. all this is to say i had a VISION for some art of them lmao)#(my ever expanding list of stuff to draw JUST KEEPS EXPANDING YALL)#(im just cursed down to every neuron in my brain by the gods eternally i cant help it)#(well anyway ruzas new sketches are all done. i just cant decide whether to colour them all or not LMAO)#(the struggle persists...)
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God I could and should write a whole fucking book by the end of this life here on Lev and his symbols
ill write it then burn it before anyone else gets a copy. or i wont. im supposed to be helping him this incarnation here to get a better anchor in this plane so maybe it would help more than itd be weird - im just getting from him the energy of "yeah no people already effectively have these things, people on my plane already know me inside and out to an extensive degree, may as well have it here too" you know. fair
#~abyssal murmurs#ugh god i love his tone saying that tho. i kept trying to prod to see if it was a ''ugh yeah people know me inside and out and Yes Its#Invasive But -'' but no#oh my god man. his like energy towards his people is..... BEFORE I SAY THIS#I HOPE YOU ALL KNOW IM ANTI PROPAGANDA. the biggest reason i dont work with Lu and others is bc theres this tendency to#be like ''we're darkness but also light! we're teachers we're enlightened we're pure in our own way and the kings are here to#teach you how to empower yourselves and they love all worshipers and they reject all tyrannical authority and they are the good guys#against the chrxstian god who (insert specific atrocity that actually was committed by the kings not the 'chrxstian god' - and#''demons'' should KNOW that because it was AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE WAR so either theyre LYING orrrrr) and we're actually#really down to earth and more holy than anyone else bc we're enlightened - i mean uh uh no wait that contradicts us being#against the love and light style of enlightenment chasing'' like. i will tell you that my boss has massacred a lot of people i will tell yo#im anti monarchy and i dont believe that the kings' peoples are any better than 'angels' and i will tell you a lot of innocents on both#sides have been lost bc of royalty and rich families the kings are directly tied to#so i hope you know that when i say the way lev treats his people in his mind is..... holy shit#i pick apart everything he does. ive seen sides of him that are dark af (and i love him for them lmfao) but as soon as his people are#involved... have you ever been w someone getting hot and bothered and a kid walks in that you thought was sleeping and you just switch#completely into parent mode like. he'll have complex fictions w me helping me write stories about corrupt monarchies and shit#and then no. he is like. hes very good at mindset switching and going immediately into different faces but i swear#his ''i am a king and a king is a head of a mass of people - a king is a servant to his people'' mode is like. impenetrable#he is so. fucking intensely single-minded and trained to be a king unlike anyone else. anyway what was i talking about#OH YEAH. his tone w what i wrote in the post. was so switched into that mode of ''my viscera is theirs to eat as Im splayed on their table#and this is divine ruling. this is my purpose with them'' type shit. PURE thought. there is no other energy i can find in it other than#pure ''this is my job and i do it''. pure as in distilled. a pure tone like a sine wave played on a synth as opposed to a string plucked#leviathan //#ive. im nervous about saying the shit ive said here lmfao but ive had his OK before to say it ALSO. AS I SAID. theres no way his people#dont know the massacre was done by the kings lmfao. like. yall were involved. and also you all have to know that one of the#people that pretends to be the christian god is. two of the kings actually and since lev commonly appears to people and lets them#decide who he is bc hes never arsed making a show of Being Leviathan and whatnot im sure hes been called God plenty of times#too but like. cmon. I dont know who started the ''oh the uh the invading heaven and killing off half the population was the#chrxstian god'' rumour but i was first exposed to it through lu and (his wife) worshipers so yall get the blame - that said...
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#THIRD TAG RANT OF THE DAY#this time with Feelings#I am so soft for this boy I really am#but my life is such a mess right now#(and he knows that and he’s very reassuring and he’s told me a thousand times he isn’t going anywhere)#but I just! ugh#I just dropped out of grad school yesterday and I have no idea what I want to do with my career#and it feels like I’m just grabbing a thousand red flags and stuffing them in my bra these days#I just don’t know how to say ‘yeah I’m a mess right now but I promise I won’t always be this much of a mess’#especially when my track record with that Isn’t Great!#it’s fine I’m fine I’m doing all the things I need to do and I’m prioritizing my well-being and my mental and physical health#I just can’t help but feel like I am the worst investment anyone could ever make#ANYWAYS#ugh the one night I decided NOT to get high and THIS is what I get hit with#and ofc I cannot sleep so! time to spiral ♥️#my stuff#sorry for being a disaster today folks
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When I was like. 22. There was one (1) anime I made roughly half of my personality. And I feel like, since then, I am 2 millimeters away at all times from doing exactly the same thing again.
#I don't want to talk about it.#I'm doing Weird Space Show rn (obviously) but The Disorder™ is for real trying to ruin that for me so my brain keeps going#but what if...you got Way Into This™..........again..........................#I've talked about this before but it's not one of the ones you'd assume from Current Blogging Patterns#(as much as I do thoroughly love noir and a-diaries and Vampire Deconstruction Anime and id and Thing I'm Currently Watching)#(this one still holds the largest place in my heart though. probably because it was. believe it or not. the property that Turned Me Into A#Weeb. but that is a conversation a LOOOOOT of people are not going to want to hear me out on)#anyway. related to NOTHING (<-me when I lie) my dad asked today:#'why is it called a PAIR of scissors when it's only one tool' and I legit for-real almost said 'there are TWO blade swords that have to#be put together for a complete weapon it's a PAIR of blades' and luckily I stopped myself because I refuse to let my father know#that this anime exists much less that I watched and enjoyed it#MUCH *LESS* that this is STILL the first thing I think about whenever I see a pair of scissors or someone mentions using them for#a project. (obviously scissors as an item pre-date this anime. and to my credit I simply said 'there are two blades i.e. a Pair Of Blades I#think that's why it's called a pair of scissors'. but like. girl. come on.)#god help us all if I ever feel the urge to write out all my thoughts about this particular anime and WHY exactly I'm a second away from#letting it take over my life at all times#ugh okay I am going to. Fight My Compulsions™ now. and maybe Do Work. or maybe I will attempt sleep. who knows. goodnight everyone.
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my brain has been so mush for the past several weeks if not months and not having my adhd meds is definitely not helping 😵💫 but oh my god I do not want to go back to my family doctor who has made it clear so many times that he does not know what he’s doing and also doesn’t care. soon I’m going to be without insurance so I need to get my medical shit together fast but in order to do that I need meds and in order to get meds I need my medical shit together but in order to do that I need meds etc.
#personal#mh#it’s hell hardly being able to string a sentence together#I keep losing my vocabulary but then I also can’t read books to refresh it bc my eyes just slide over paragraphs like oil#and then I’m so up and down emotionally bc I can’t regulate lol girl help#and then all my self care and home maintenance goes to shit like I am so embarrassed by my apt rn#I need to do laundry and cleaning so bad but I Can’t for Unknown Reasons#beating my brain back with a stick like girl get it together 😭#then when I’m on meds I can’t eat bc All Food Is Illegal and liable to be expelled at any moment#so it’s like. take the meds and I’m mentally a bit better but physically a wreck#or don’t take meds and I’m physically a bit (?) better but brain is boiled stew and even if I do have an appetite I have no energy to do#anything about it#ed cw#disordered eating cw#how can a body sleep for 16+ hrs a day and STILL be tired. it’s so goddamn ridiculous 💀#ugh anyway I’m going to stop whinging and try to cheer myself up a bit#I need 1) shower 2) dishes 3) laundry#but before even that I need 1) contacts 2) sleep (even though I’m sick of sleeping)
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