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deafeningmoontragedy · 2 years ago

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New school, new people, new, no old, boyfriend

Pairings: Eddie Munson X Ex Girlfriend Reader, autistic, ADHD and obvi a lil pudge

Warnings: Steriotypical teen drama, cringe asssss, just teen drama, neurodivergency, exes to lovers, Wayne being a catholic badass 😭, everyine being christian, mentions of no family.

Summary: You've been transferred to a new public school but who else is there? your ex boyfriend?!

Wordcount: 3k

AN: This is gonna be a multiple part, if i can even live up to that expectation?? and smut WILL be coming!!!

❗️What do yall think of the idea of me posting the prompts and yall can comment which ones u wanna hear ill tick them off one by one :)❗️comment what you think!!

Check out my other works!

High top platforms hit the gravel with a crunch as your weight pressed down on the soul. Dressed in black ripped wide jeans, a slipknot band tee and an old baggy leather jacket stolen from your father wrapped around your shoulders you walked to the beat of the music. Head held high as you walked over the parking lot to the open doors of the school. Cherry Lips played loudly in the foam cups pressed to your ears as you followed the crowd through the doors, breaking off when the large yellow sign read reception caught your attention. You slipped one of the cups off your ear and addressed the receptionist, an old dark skinned lady with glasses too big for her face sliding off the end of her nose dressed in all pink, excruciating.

“Im Y/N Y/L/N I just started here today, I need a class schedule” you said with a blank expression.

She smiled however but didn't answer as she waddled over to the computer searching for your name in the system.

“One minute sweets”

The copying machine made a loud rumble as a paper started printing. Her manicured nails wrapped around the warm paper and passed it to you.

“Where B20?” you asked, monotone as you scanned the paper, the heat of the copy machine still felt on your finger tips.

“Right round the corner” she pointed to your left “First door on the right” she smiled as you gave her a weak lift of your cheeks in response.

You took your phone out of your pocket and paused the music, turning the bluetooth headphones off as you walked. The halls were filled with students, all in different coloured makeup, clothes and styles, a lot of the girls though, you noticed were wearing almost the exact same outfits, baggy light washed jeans, light coloured hoodies with stupid slogans and white sneakers. They guys weren't any different, lame slogans, dark washed jeans and sneakers. What a bore.

You followed the next crowd through the door and examined the room. Boring. Drab. Unoriginal.

Single desks stood in four rows, a whiteboard at the front with a podium to its right and posters such as school fundraisers and drama club application information hung on the back wall.

“Y/N!” a younger blonde woman exclaimed as she laid eyes on you, she wore the same light washed jeans as everyone else except for a light blue t shirt tucked into the waist, paired with a pair of turquoise sneakers with snoopy printed on the toe caps.

“Oh great, you must be the new student” Yeah no shit you thought, “Take an empty seat anywhere you like” she explained. You raised your eyebrows weakly, wasn't seating in class like the most important thing to these people?

You walked to the back of the class, lifted your bag off your shoulder and flung it on the table, slumping into the attaching chair. The bell rang seconds later and an overly sweet voice of the teacher was heard “good morning class!” She chirped “I'm just going to get right into it, because I know you can't handle me droning on” she stuck her tongue out and made an exasperated face oh my god. “Whip your notebooks out and start taking notes” she smiled “Oh!” she slapped her hand over her forehead “we have a new student! Everyone this is Y/N” she gestured towards you and on cue every head turned to look towards you.

You tried hard not to roll your eyes “And Y/N here's a notebook for you too” she strutted over and handed you a large pink notebook with your name written in gold ink in large cursive. You frowned, disgusted “I like to customise everyone's notebooks, makes them more personal” she smiled, obviously mistaking your disgust for confusion.

She walked up through the aisle back to the podium “Today well be talking about sonnets and what classifies as a sonnet” she wrote sonnets on the board “We’ll also be talking about Shakespeare for all you lovers of real literature” she turned to the class.

Great, something you already knew what it was and Shakespeare, the most boring writer in history.

You slipped your headphones over your curly haired head and placed one of the cups over your ears.

“Oh sorry Y/N” the teacher caught your attention “No headphones in my class please” she smiled brightly. You took them off annoyed once again trying not to roll your eyes and pushed them into your bag.

The class droned on for forty five minutes, endless facts about sonnets and Shakespeare, someone with insomnia could have fallen asleep in that class!

“Ok class break!” you took your headphones out of your bag and signalled to the teacher “Yes Y/N now you can listen to music, but take them off at the end of the ten minutes.”

You had just slipped the cups over your ears as a blonde in a pink dress and the same old white sneakers bent over your desk, her elbows firmly on the table as a grinning face rested in her hands.

“Hey newbie! I’m Annabelle, class president and cheer captain, so fun that you're here! Where did you come from?”

You slowly looked up at her with an annoyed face “Hawkins” you told her plainly “Oh so you're from here, I thought you might have moved here from across the country” she swayed to the side as she talked.

“No” you tried picking your phone up from the desk to show her you were clearly not interested in having a conversation.

“Weeeell what school did you go to before this?” she asked as if you were stupid “None of your business” you answered without thinking, forgetting completely that you were supposed to keep a low profile as strictly instructed by your father this morning.

“Ok no need to be rude”

You flashed her a fake smile “Sorryyyy” your rolled your eyes. Plain and simple you were just not in the mood, not for her, the teacher whose name you had no idea. It was bad enough being kicked out of well a catholic school that you didn't really want to be at but at least you had friends there who shared the same mindset as yourself, and hated all these stuck up people. But now here you were surrounded by the stuck up people.

You slipped both cups over your ears and Annabell just scoffed and sashayed away to her group of girl friends. You could see her talking disgustedly to her friends as they turned to look at you, you couldn't hear them over the loud music and chose to ignore them.

The break ended and class droned on. By the end of the one hour and a half all you had written in your notebook was Sonnets underlined and a very detailed drawing of a spider in black ink.

Someone walked over just as you were ripping the front page of your notebook out and crumpling up the blinding pink.

“Smart move” a guy with short brown curly hair held his notebook out in front of you, his front page also ripped out.

You stood up and flung your bag over your shoulder. “Im Charles” he stuck his hand out for you to shake “I dont do people nor touching” you stated, he lowered his hand awkwardly “Gotcha” and looked away. “Bye” you stated as you walked past leaving the guy with a disgruntled look on his face.

You looked at your schedule, who the hell has lunch at 10:30?? You thought as you saw the box labelled lunch from 10:30 to 11:30. You were just about to leave the room as your name was called. It was the teacher whose name you'd forgotten “Y/N wait, I need to give you your locker assignment”

She walked over and handed you a post-it with a number on and a combination lock. “Need help finding it?” she asked politely “No.” you just answered rudely back.

You looked at the lockers and figured out which way yours was, down to the left, then you found it, a locker without a lock with number 73. You threw your notebook in and hung the lock on it.

You followed a crowd of students until you found the cafeteria. You have to pay for food here? As if it wasn't already tight enough at home with one parent you now had to pay for your own lunch which the catholic school provided for you, it was a gift from god or whatever.

You bought an apple and a vitamin drink and found an empty table, sitting down and opening your phone to endlessly scroll through tiktok.

Someone cleared their throat and your face fell. “Mind if I sit?” him, the love of your life, who had been MIA for the past month, the catholic by day, metalhead by night, Eddie was stood right in front of you. What the fuck was he doing here?

“Uh yeah”

He sat down and placed a black tray with nachos on the table. “Seems we both got transferred to this shithole then” he stated. You slipped your headphones off and placed them on to the table “Yeah” you answered “Wait, isnt that kinda’ stupid? I mean they.. You know catch us having sex in a catholic school, kick us out, then transfer us into the same school?” you asked, realising the stupidity. “Yeah I dunno man grownups are weird, at least were not forced to wear those stupid unifroms through” you chuckled at him.

Why did it feel so normal to just be sat by him, like before, like you were still together, but you weren't together, you were broken up, and alone.

“Soooo maybe we should talk about the elephant in the room?” you questioned “There's elephants too?! This place really is a zoo” you laughed at him “No but seriously” you looked him in the eye.

“Yeah, ok just let me explain before you say anything” you looked at him expectantly.

“Ok, ok so, listen I never wanted to break up with you I love you”

Those words had you shocked, but he continued. He had never said the words out loud and now he was just rambling them out as if it was an everyday thing.

“Uncle Wayne basically forced me too. He said that it was a disgrace to our family name, which by the way what family? But that it was a disgrace to be doing such luide acts before marriage and especially in a school and then he told me I wasn't allowed to see you again”

“Well you kept that up, you didn't call me, didn't come over, didn't talk to me, you avoided me until I got a note saying we shouldn't see each other in class from Clarissa”

“Yeah… that.. Was not my best moment. But Wayne told me I wasn't allowed to talk to you and that was the only way I could think to do it”

You chuckled, Jesus, what a mess.

“Yeah well don't be doing that to your next girlfriend or you'll probably end up with your head on a stick since she probably won't be catholic” you both chuckled at your anecdote until his expression went still and he stared right into your eyes. It felt a bit awkward.

“I.. I don't really want a new girlfriend. I want my old one back” your eyes widened.

“You what?” you couldn't really process the words. It had been a month of crying endlessly, your dad trying not to show his disappointment and trying to comfort you, no contact with Eddie or most of your friends who had school and whose strict christian parents had banned them from being friends with you.

He hadn't had any contact with you and now he wanted you back?

“I miss you so much, and I really fucking love you, this month has been shit without you and I really really want you back. I want you to be my girlfriend again. I want you to be mine, my sweetheart, my darling and just my everything”

“Ok ok slow down” you held you hand out “First of all you've never said you loved me before, just give me a second to process this”

“Of course”

It was silent for a few seconds. “What about Wayne? You're not even allowed to be sitting with me”

He thought for a second “We wouldn't have to tell him..” you raised your eyebrows “You, are going to keep a secret from the man who legit could smell weed from a mile away? He called the cops on some kid in the neighbourhood for having a cigarette!”

Eddie chuckled “I think we could handle it though, we just you know, meet in secret, and like not hang out when he's there”

“Dude your crazy”

“I know, but you love it. And besides it might be kinda fun”

“What about my dad though?”

“Well we might have to hide from him too, you know so wayne wont somehow find out”

“Yeah. So we really like getting back together?” it felt weird to say it, and oddly formal compared to all the romantic movies where they just kissed and bam they were back together.

“Oh so you can be nice to people!” A bitchy voice interrupted the life changing conversation, and Annabelle sat down at the round table.

You just looked at her disgusted, she had to interrupt right in the middle of everything.

“Hi I’m Annabelle”

She stuck her hand out and Eddie awkwardly shook it.

“One of y/n’s classmates. And you are”

He gave the first syllable of his name before she interrupted again “a classic bad boy I get it. Well you don’t look like much but you’ll definitely do. Something to fool around with, god knows the guys here are as stuck up as this one” she eyed you.

He chuckled and laid his arm around your shoulders “I’m eddie”

Surprisingly she wasn’t shocked or annoyed at all at his action. “Ooh you’re together?” She fake cood.

“Well no worries, bet you’ll come crawling to me when you realise what a bitch she is” she picked the apple off his tray and took a bite.

“I’m sorry, who are you even?” Eddie asked, confused.

“Just-“

She began and a girl dressed in all black interrupted.

“The queen bitch of this high school”

She stood behind her as Annabelle rolled her eyes. “This is the one I warned you about” she told Eddie.

She wore a black slip dress sinched with a corset and a black hoodie on top, a black spider tote bag hung on her shoulder.

She sat down and turned to Annabelle “you’re excused” and shooed her off with a wave of her hand.

Annabelle rolled her eyes and stood up, and took a step before turning around.

“You just got here bitch, you’re not better than me and don’t act like it or I will create senior year a living hell for you”

Then she whipped around and walked with purpose over to a table full of girls.

What the hell was this? A teen drama movie? Bet her whole personality is just based off this people

“I’m Carla, met this one in homeroom” she stuck her hand out and quickly retracted it when her eyes landed on a pin stuck to your jacket.

Don’t touch me, I’m autistic

“Good idea with the pin, actually very smart. Where’d you get it?” She asked, smiling.

“I made it”

“Hey cool! You make pins?”

“Nah” you relaxed a little, she seemed nice “but I craft a lot”

“Yeah man she’s got lots of different hobbies, every week she’s showing something completely new she made” Eddie pointed out.

“What u got adhd too? Can’t stick to one subject?“ it was clearly a joke but still you answered “I do actually”

“Oh hey! Me too, yeah that’s how I know you can’t stick to one subject” she smiled.

“So how do you two know each other?” She asked.

It was silent. What would you say? I know him from school? He’s my boyfriend? You hadn’t cleared it up yet. What if you said that and he got tense? Or what if you said he was and it would come back to his uncle?

The possibilities were racing through your head quickly as Carla waited expectantly.

“She’s my girlfriend” Eddie stated with a grin.

“Ooooh this was the girl you were talking about!” She exclaimed.

They had known each other one class and he had already talked about you??

“Yeah” he said awkwardly.

“Oh great so it all worked out”

You smiled at him. A lighting smile of pure happiness. Everything had gone so surreally quickly, but the confirmation still made you feel excited.

“Yeah, but don’t tell anyone, can’t have my catholic uncle finding out”

“Right, right” she answered as she took a sip of a monster she had taken out of her bag.

“Ok well I gotta go, nice to meet you Y/N, and you both know where to find me, the emo table” she laughed “you’re always welcome, we don’t bite, or discriminate against straight people” she laughed again.

You both chuckled and Carla stood up and walked across the cafeteria.

“Soooo” you started “we are together now?”

“Yup, you have no say, you’re stuck with me now” he grinned.

#eddie munson #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson x plus size reader #eddie my beloved #stranger things 4 #stranger things netflix #stranger things season 4 #stranger things season four #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson headcanons #eddie munson has adhd #eddie munson smut

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yououghtaknow · 4 years ago

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18 and 20 for the meta asks? also I already commented on clip 3 but fr this clip was so good that was such a good execution of that scene and s5 has been so good and literally brightens my day thank u 💛 i hope you’re doing well

hi, thank you so much!!!!!!!! i hope you’re doing well too <3 <3

i am putting a read more because i am a rambley person, but underneath you will find talks of unused plot points, the parallels between the girl squad and the lad squad, and what taylor swift album(s) i believe each season has the vibe of.

tw for discussion of abuse, mental health problems, addiction and eating disorders

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

skam brighton has. so many aus. because it itself is an au of an original work. me and two of my great writing friends have written a great numbers of aus including but not limited to riordian-verse, glee, doctor who, rwrb, trc, a murder mystery au, and many aus based on comfort media of mine that i started on never finished (house of anubis, barbie movies, etc.). and many of them are unironically so good???? @fingersmithbysarahwaters and @nightwing642 are incredibly talented screenwriters. but also i did write a screenplay adaptations of the first two books in the raven cycle series and 2/3s of rwrb for no reason other than fun and autism.

as for skam brighton. oh boy. not many plot points have been changed, but some certain scenes/character moments were changed. for example, the scene in season 2 episode 8 where liz has a meltdown at the shopping centre and she has a heart to heart with mary was originally liz having a meltdown and running into al in the sensory room. but i wanted to hold back on revealing al as a main character until season 3.

also in the og season 3, jake and al didn’t break up. as i was finishing the season, i was getting ideas for how i wanted the series to develop (james’s crush on al namely) so i thought it would be good for both of their developments for them not to end up together. also in season 3 i hadn’t planned for jake to move house originally, so there was a scene in the finale episode of the lad squad hanging out, but it got cut because it just didn’t make sense.

in season 4, al and bree were a lot meaner to each other originally, because i love it when it gets busy at the brighton and the gay people get mean, but then i thought about it and decided it was out of character for both of them to be downright cruel. al and bree also had a scene in season 4 that was cut due to just not making sense.

also, in season 5, the “inner white girl” scene originally wasn’t in the show at all, but one day i was listening to the song, and about a week before the episode came out, i wrote it. also, bree wasn’t written to be a she/they until literally the day of putting the clip out because i thought it would be cool. that’s it :)

also the way i write is that i write the full clip out in a google doc and then edit it in ao3 about an hour before i put it out, so a lot of changes happen there. just small things, like making dialogue flow better, changing certain songs because i just want to, and sometimes adding in new sequences that i just thought of.

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

oh!!!! there!!!!! is!!!!!

personally, my favourite thing to write is little symbolic moments that make me happy because i play 4d chess in my head with myself every time i write.

before i go off, i must say, so many hints and clues have been dropped for season six so far. season six has been my favourite season to write and i’m already planning a spin-off project based on it to write, and it’s gonna be starting sooner than you think.

so a piece of writing i’ve been thinking about lately is the parallels between the girl squad and the lad squad. before i begin to go off, these are the characters i think parallel each other the most.

jake - sandy james - bree nick - rori theo - esther al - liz

jake and sandy is quite an obvious parallel to draw - both are football players, both begin the series closeted and having a close relationship with bryan - but their personalities are quite similar. both of them are closer with their mother than their father, both use their relationships as a method of protection, and both are afraid of of societal rejection at the beginning of the series. they also both discovered their sexualities and mental health issues over the course of their seasons, and both of their love interests are more outgoing theatre kids. jake and sandy’s relationship is also so interesting to me - because they start as very awkward friends, and jake tries to help sandy by making bryan break up with her, but outs her in the process, and sandy doesn’t want to forgive him. she takes her time and comes to terms with it on her own and decides to forgive him because sandy’s just a sweetheart - and this also parallels the way jake takes his time to forgive his mother. also, in their friend groups, they’re both the newcomer to them, and we get the introductions to the group dynamics in their seasons, and in the later seasons, they’re both a lot more relaxed as they’re in recovery <3

james and bree are also very similar characters. both have problems with substance abuse, both have promiscuous reputations, both have both mommy and daddy issues. they are both dean girls, to put it in spn terms. they’re both very funny, and use humour to cover up their struggles. both are dealing with a lot of mental illness and, throughout the series, it becomes more and more clear. they’re also both seen as “the hot ones” of their groups, with a lot of the characters canonically having small crushes on them (liz, rori and nick with james; rori, esther and annabell with bree). they’ve also both canonically hooked up with sophie. which i just think is fun. they also played mimi and roger together, which i think shows their parallels as addicts and people (with roger struggling with recovery and depression until the end, when he begins to get help, and mimi living the high life until it all crumbles down around her). they also share a want for independence and both are very sana-esque characters (james being middle eastern and religious, bree being the cool rebel girl in season 1).

nick and rori are both the “fun friend”. they’re both comedic relief in the early seasons, but we do get in depth with them as the show goes on. in grease, they play james and bree’s love interests (which is ironic, as rori and bree get together and nick is in love with james), and in rent, they play angel and maureen, the two main comedic relief characters. both of them struggle to connect their asian identity with their british identity, and both struggle with how the world perceives them (nick with their gender presentation and rori with her eating disorder). they both struggle with toxic masculinity and toxic femininity and use humour to cover up their struggles.

theo and esther are similar in the fact that they’re the squad members we know the least about. they’re both jewish, they’re both the mum friend of their respective groups, they’re both autistic and they’re both quite nerdy. they’re the most grounded member of their respective groups and tend to take charge and help make decisions. they’re also both quite sarcastic and very firm in their opinions.

al and liz are parallels simply because they are both nooras and vildes. they’r eboth autistic, they’re both the odd one out in their friend groups - liz being a lot more serious than the girl squad, al being a lot more in his own little world than the lad squad. they’re both very blunt and straight forward and say whatever they’re thinking.

also just some of my favourite bits of foreshadowing: nick being bitchy to liz throughout season 2 because they’re in love with james….. al talking about his sister to jake in season 3 and whenever al talks to the girl squad, bree insults him or walks away…… in season 4 episode 1, audrey mentions bree’s cousin is pregnant and then when bree finds out the results of her pregnancy test, oh no by marina plays (i’m now becoming my own self fulfilling prophecy)....... nick and all of his gender stuff throughout the series……. just all of the character stuff with grease and rent….. also just bree and rori’s whole relationship arc because it has everything. queerbaiting. subverting expectations. musical homoeroticism. a little cheating for fun. and they were best friends. honestly bree and rori season 3 is very august by taylor swift…… you weren’t mine to lose……..

speaking of, no one asked by here’s each season of skambr and the taylor swift albums they’re most like.

season 1 - debut/fearless

bro sandy is just such a debut/fearless era person. she’s looking for her place in this world!!!!!! she has the teardrops on my guitar energy (quite literally sandy pre-canon voice i bet he’s beautiful that boy she talks about and he has everything that i have to live without about bryan and sophie)..... the fun giggly crush songs that are deeply homoerotic….. esther season 1 voice the entirety of you belong with me. like esther really made a deeper connection with sandy in one month that bryan did in years of knowing her. sandy also is the type of person to stan love story, she just thinks it’s such a fun song and she does yell the key change every time it comes on.

season 2 - speak now/lover

elizabeth!!!!! liz is the type of person who only liked old taylor and then got internalised misogyny and then got over it and loves taylor again. the story of us is canonically a liz/rori song…. yes i am still a liz/rori subtext warrior….. liz is very never grow up and dear john is a very her and james song in the fact that they both relate to it……. when they bonded over their trauma “don’t you think i was too young”...... also lover is a liz season 2 album because it’s about liz learning that love is the most important thing in the world….. liz voice i want to be defined by the things that i love. also the archer is just a skam brighton song because it is an isaac song. also i’m just gonna say it. i like me! it’s a good song when brendon urie isn’t in it, you all are just afraid of having fun. also though liz in season 5 is very better than revenge because, while her season is about unlearning your internalised prejudices, i believe she deserves to be misogynistic for 3 minutes 37 seconds.

season 3 - red

now this is controversial. this season is about depression, grief and anger, and these feelings are red. literally jake voice so you were never a saint and i loved in shades of wrong we learn to live with the pain mosaic broken hearts….. like treacherous….. holy ground….. the whole country pop vibe….. the bitchy songs mocking people’s perceptions of the singer….. 22 is a lad squad song…. also jake voice i remember it all too well but it’s about his father’s abuse and his mother’s neglect…… like the whole season is just jake getting to the point where he is at “begin again”. also i feel like jake would like red because he spent a lot of time watching taylor swift music videos as a youth both because he liked the music and had crushes on the guys in them, and he feels red is the perfect middle between the country and the pop and the indie and he just really likes being sad.

season 4 - reputation

bree big reputation holland!!!!!!!!! she has it all - the romantic drama, the hatred of men, the fucking homoeroticism. bree stans the reputation tour and they have made the entire holland-fletcher family watch it on their netflix (al fucking loved it because he’s a canon swiftie, audrey had a fun time, patrick was a little confused, but has the spirit). listen bree “i did something bad”. bree “look what you made me do”. bree and rori “new year’s day”. bree voice i swear i don’t love the drama, it loves me!!!!!!!!! like the reason the season has a lot of reputation songs and ends with daylight from lover is a metaphor for bree leaving their reputation era…. also reputation has she/they vibes

season 5 - 1989

1989 my best friend 1989!!!!!!! i am coming out here as a 1989 (deluxe) stan. it’s just a serotonin album for me and it is just so nick. the mocking songs about their reputation…… the genuinely deeply depressing homoerotic songs that have fun upbeat music…… the cars….. also clean is just such a nick song. he is in recovery, he is just so personal to me. also nick voice one night he wakes strange look on his face pauses then says you’re my best friend and you knew what it was he is in love!!!!!!! nick canonically in love with all of their best friends braxton!!!!! also nick feels like a 1989 stan because they just have those fun energies. nick WILL scream the spoken part of shake it off at the top of his lungs. also new romantic is just a skamverse song in general. also just. out of the woods. no reason for me to say it other than it’s one of my favourite songs of all time.

season 6 - folklore/evermore

no evermore is not out yet. yes i am claiming it for season 6. see taylor has said that these albums are all about telling stories/fairy tales and that’s what season 6 is about. i cannot wait until next friday when the main and my plans for the hiatus are revealed…….. genuinely i do not know how anyone perceives skam brighton so i don’t know who people think the next main is, but…… i can only describe the state of me writing this season as the various ambiguous disorder gifs.

#skam brighton #skam brighton spoilers #what's up i've been a swiftie since i was 3 fucking years old and i will be loud about it!!!!!!!!#also i do love my funny little people i play with in my head (the skambr main squad) they are my dearest friends i would do anything for the #them

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icypots · 5 years ago

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matchup (1)

@lawfulschoolgirl requested: “My BNHA is "Shrinking Violet"! She's a DMAB demi girl with severe inability to function socially, a very eccentric way of speaking, and severely autistic traits and tendencies, such as never maintaining eye contact. A bit of a self-insert in that last respect. Her quirk is to manipulate emotional stability into her size and density, allowing her to become an indestructible little hero with intelligence and physical compactness scaling when she shrinks, but the drawback is she shrinks erratically with her mood. Her height is always variable or listed as "?'??" because it scales infrequently. Literally, a kiss can shoot her down enough to be stuck, hanging and dangling from a bottom lip, while she can reach as high as 6'3" if she's experiencing a power trip. She cannot unshrink if there is something physically obscuring or imposing on her from any direction and needs enough space to grow back at all. So nets will literally net her, and a hand can keep her from unshrinking, but her durability and intelligence are still heightened in this form. She's a pale-skinned, purple-sclera long-haired and almost-doll-faced pretty girl. She only smiles on one side of the face and has considerable eye bags and a constellation of pimples she's somewhat self-conscious about -- which helps her quirk considerably, especially probing about inches tall. Matchups with both boy and girl would be appreciated, as with NSFW headcanons out of sordid curiosity!”

Thank you for requesting, love!

I have matched you with 2 pro heroes and 1 villain.

I hope you enjoy it!!

Mount Lady

You two first met while a villain was threatening the city of Hosu and her first impression was somewhere along the lines of, “WHOM?????”

She hadn’t seen you around, but she was so curious?? She would seek you out in attempts to get to know you.

Even though she wanted to get to know you for her own selfish reasons, she became very fond of you and found you adorable especially when you were blushing.

She would tease you... a lot so you might want to get used to that!

Before you knew it she was the closest person to you.

It would take her SO long to realize she had feelings for you, but when it hits her oh my stars- she’d have no clue what to do with herself at first. Her uncertainty would be very short-lived. The moment she accepted her feelings, the tables would do a complete 360-degree turn.

You made it clear early on that you wanted to keep the relationship out of the public eye which she completely respected, but you best believe to her personal friend’s and family she would be showing you off big time.

Her teasing would only escalate as soon as you guys would get further into the relationship.

She a dom. You cannot change my mind.

If you thought she went overboard with the teasing outside the bedroom??? Oh, Honey, she didn’t even scratch the surface...

She only gives you what you want if you beg her to do so because she’s stubborn.

She takes care of you before herself if you understand what I am implying.

Stamina for days. Round 2? More like Round 5.

The sex is fantastic and the aftercare is even better.

c u d d l e s for d a y s

She is always the big spoon.

The morning after she will tell you in detail about everything you two did just to fluster you.

After teasing you thoroughly if she doesn’t go for a morning round she will be making you breakfast just the way you like it

Aizawa

Oh boy, where do I begin??

He nearly stepped on you while restraining a villain in his scarf and let's just say you scared the shit out of him while informing him that he did in fact nearly step on you.

He had no clue how to respond?? Rubbing his eyes, he just stared at you while trying to find the words.

He didn’t find the words because oh my stars??? You’re precious???

He didn’t even apologize because he just wanted to know anything and everything about you immediately.

He talked to you while waiting for the police to arrest the villain he restrained.

After that, you two became inseparable.

He would visit you every week if not every day. He knew he was interested from the start, but would secretly hope you’d make the first move while he waiting for the right time to ask you out.

He didn’t actually wait as long as he originally intended...He was prepared to wait for years, but yeah that didn’t exactly happen.

He bumped into you on the roof of a building while finishing up his underground work and apparently he was feeling really bold this night because FUCK IT!! What were you going to do??? Say no???

He was so confident, but then he just started stumbling on his words and oh my stars could you have really said no???

You two can actually go out in public for dates since you two are kind of underground.

Your first date was at a cat cafe.

Nap dates!!!! Cuddling on his couch and taking naps together becomes a routine thing.

He is the big spoon of course.

very protective. He will protect you at all costs.

He is WHIPPED and forever in denial about it.

He lets you make most of the decisions because he’s whipped. (Plus we all know he doesn’t like to make big decisions. Remember how he couldn’t even pick his own hero name because he couldn’t be bothered to do so????)

He loves to spoil you in any way he can because he’s whipped.

Speaking of spoiling you in any way he can, let’s talk about the bedroom, also a place where he spoils you.

A WHOLE DOM.

Loves to take you in front of a mirror so he can tell you all of the things he loves about you while you watch him take you.

He marks you every time so you’re reminded that you’re his.

Makes sure he’s kissed every inch of you before he’s done.

Likes when you ride him after a long day.

aftercare!! It doesn’t matter how tired he is he will always make sure to take care of you afterward.

Dabi

I know what you’re thinking...

This man hates heroes. How could he possibly end up with you???

Well yes, this is true, this man hates most heroes.

You are not most heroes.

He met you while the league was performing one of their attacks. The attack was one of their more large scale attacks. The league split up to different parts of the city and Dabi happened to be in an area very close to where you were. ‘

You were trying to get as many people evacuated as you possibly could. By the time he found you, you thought you got all of the people off the street... that is until you saw a lost kid in the distance and you RAN to save them before Dabi could start causing damage with his quirk.

After talking to you for a while, he found himself struggling because something about you wasn’t like “the other heroes”.

And after that day, he practically looked for you anytime he was out.

You two had a complicated relationship from the start. He was a villain with a motive to expose false heroes and you were an underground hero who just wanted to make a difference.

He sometimes just wished you were a villain.

You two got along, but you both also argue... a lot.

He argues with you over the most stupid things most of the time, but sometimes the arguments are serious.

Despite being so different he likes you a lot.

And somehow you feel the same??

Who knew you two would end up together??

You don’t get to see each other as much as you want to, but when you do it’s always memorable, even if you both end up arguing.

He’s not good at expressing himself at all and you sometimes wonder how he even managed to ask you out.

You love him despite him being stubborn, aloof, and a tiny bit sadistic.

He rarely opens up to you, but when he does you always listen to him.

He thinks you’re too good for him.

He keeps you a secret from the league.

You two are unexpectedly perfect for each other despite being so different.

He’s unexpectedly clingy.

Especially in the bedroom.

That man is a whole switch, but he is only submissive to you.

He loves when you take control, but he just doesn’t admit that out loud unless you make him of course.

“Make me“

He is such a bratty sub, but you would be lying if you said you didn't expect that of him.

He gets flustered when you compliment him in bed.

Cuddles after, but he prefers being the big spoon.

For anyone wanting to request, you can find the rules here. You can request in the ask box or my messages! Thank you for reading!

#bnha #bnha matchup #bnha imagines #bnha x reader #bnha smut #dabi #mount lady #aizawa #mha imagines #mha oc

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lizzieraindrops · 5 years ago

Text

Your chance to make the sun rise thrice (Chapter 2)

a river that still runs (8803 words)

Beth Childs has come to Helsinki to meet her best friend Veera for the first time in the Herbs on the windowsill universe, an alternate timeline where the original Helsinki massacre was prevented and DYAD routed by Clone Club Alpha’s successful publicity stunt back in 2001. Veera Suominen and Niki Lintula survived and decided to live in a little apartment together as qpp’s. Numerous Leda clones worldwide are now in contact via a secure online network that Veera maintains.

Note: This chapter is a bit heavier than the rest of the AU. Beth is still struggling with a lot of the same challenges in this universe, even if the events causing them are somewhat different because of such early canon divergence. But the whole point of this story is that things can end up okay no matter how rough it's been. She's getting the help she needs and she's gonna be alright. That said, warning for soft discussion of past abuse, the effects of trauma, depression and anxiety, and some suicidal ideation. And of course, lots of love and learning how to heal, with support from her best friend.

Fun fact: Veera's username is 3mika, and she always sets her font to the precise warm turquoise of hex color #2299aa. She thinks she's hilarious, and she's right.

Also on AO3 | Playlist | Aesthetic sideblog

Part 1: Herbs on the windowsill

Part 2: Someday colors

Part 3: Your chance to make the sun rise thrice | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

***

Beth wakes on a squashy couch that isn't hers. Morning-soft sunlight pours through the window above her, bouncing back off the walls to fill even the shady corners with a warm secondhand glow. Her limbs are soft, splayed under unfamiliar blankets and sinking into the cushions. She doesn't move yet.

The apartment. Helsinki. Beth's really here. She holds herself still, letting the truth sink into her. She half expects the usual anxious tension to clench her into a ball the instant she moves a muscle, but it isn't there. Neither is the invisible weight that so often pins her immobile. She still wakes frequently with both of them holding her body hostage, keeping her muscles unmoving but restless, even in sleep. Right now though, they're gone. She just lies there, soft beneath the window.

It's quiet but not silent. The occasional car on the little road outside chuckles as it passes. A soft rush of water echoes through pipes in the walls, running toward an early riser in another unit. These sounds fall strangely on Beth's Toronto-bred ears, isolated in the stillness of this of this little apartment on the outskirts of the city. Still, the early-morning atmosphere settles comfortably into her jet-lagged bones, murmuring a rhythm for her to sink into. The temporal upheaval of a transcontinental red-eye and a series of exhausted naps yesterday have left her a little unbalanced. And yet, here she is waking up with the day, and the ground under her feels so much more stable than she’s used to.

Beth breaks her stillness with a deep, deep breath that she can feel expanding all the way down to her feet. She stretches, too, but soon pulls the toes that get exposed back underneath the warm, scratchy blanket. The cushions of the old couch creak a little in complaint as she shifts, but her limbs remain supple. For a time, she just observes the sensations. Then, her awareness spreads beyond the couch and the window to the rest of the room.

All around her, an oddly blocky pattern covers the walls. It's one of the first things she noticed when she walked into the apartment yesterday afternoon. The pattern isn't wallpaper like it appears at first glance, but actually a multitude of small photographs. Most of them are unframed, but taped up in crisply aligned rows. In them, she sees the same face infused with a hundred different lives. Just above her, a sleeping, slack-jawed redhead with bulky headphones around her neck sprawls on the very same couch Beth's laying on now. A few rows down, a brunette and a blonde with their long hair in matching wild waves are leaning all over each other and grinning like devils. One of the few framed photos shows a girl with a hospital-short buzz cut and a delighted expression, sitting in front of what looks like a mouthwatering strawberry shortcake. Beth can see at least six others in the background behind strawberry girl. Among them are Mika with her unmistakable scars and Niki with her bright blonde hair, their arms around each other's shoulders.

Morning light glances off the glossy surfaces of the photos on the west wall. The particularly bright reflection off one of the framed photos draws Beth's eye. With a tiny jolt, Beth recognizes one of her own selfies beneath the glass. In it, she's wearing the same old turquoise blue sweatshirt that's spilling out of her suitcase next to the couch right now. Underneath it, she's wearing her track gear, so the photo is at least two years old. She'd had to quit cross-country so she could try to get the shitshow her life had become under control. She vaguely recalls sending it to Mika a long time ago. It's strange to think that her presence has been in this apartment for so long.

She's here. In Finland. Staying with Mika – Mika - and Niki. Far, far away from everything.

Sprawling on the couch she slept on with a sigh as if she hadn’t a care in the world, Beth can't believe she's really gone and done it. She's run so far away that there's an ocean between her and her problems. It’s so much better than she's dreamed, even if it's only for a little while. It’s worth it, even though she'll be going back far too soon. For the first time in years, it feels like she’s where she’s supposed to be right now.

It had all started out as foolish idea she'd floated one Saturday morning, months ago. She hadn't been serious at all. She'd woken up so relieved at not having to get up and go to work, until she remembered her weekly therapy appointment with a hopeless groan.

Putting off the genuinely daunting prospect of hauling herself out of bed, she reached out to snag her phone from on top of her dresser, checking to see if she'd heard from Mika overnight. After all, Helsinki was nine hours ahead, so Mika had already seen most of the day that was just beginning for Beth. They talked so often these days, since they'd first made contact over two years ago. Rarely a day passed without touching base. But there wasn’t anything since Beth had checked last night. She took it upon herself to send the first message of the day.

runwaterblue: god, i dont wanna get up and deal with any of thsi shit today

After her world fell apart, after finding out about Project Leda, after realizing that all her nightmares and more were real, after her father...

runwaterblue: wish i could come visit u and get away form everything for awhile

Mika replied almost immediately.

3mika: you can

It was evening in her time zone, but to be honest, Beth had no idea if she had anything resembling a regular sleep schedule. The girl was always online.

3mika: though you really should go to your appointment. you always feel better afterward

runwaterblue: howd you know i have therapy today

3mika: you always have an appointment saturday afternoons

runwaterblue: yes but how do you remember that? i cant evne remember my own appts lmao

3mika: you mentioned it months ago when you switched from sundays to saturdays

Beth shook her head with a smile. Mika was so good with details.

3mika: anyway. you’re welcome here, if you can get here

3mika: it would be great to see you

3mika: Niki wouldn't mind. we've had a bunch of Ledas visit us here, it's always fun

3mika: except that one time Dani and Ary got into a fight over football. some French-Italian team rivalry thing. that was not fun.

Beth laughed. It was funny how Mika was so good at making her do that, even on days like these. She leaned back against her pillow and held her phone over her head without sitting up, being careful not to drop it on her own face. She'd done that before. More times than she'd admit.

runwaterblue: i was kidding. id love to visit, but idk how id get there

runwaterblue: u should see the americans go off abt their football lmao. they're nerly as bad as the hockey freaks here

3mika: pls no

3mika: no more sports. it was a year ago and I’m still exhausted

3mika: sports are banned in this apartment.

Beth snorted. Mika wanted nothing to do with sports of any kind, and with Beth's athletic record, the topic had become a point of mutual teasing between them.

In so many ways, they were such different people, DNA be damned. Mika was reticent where Beth was outgoing. (Or at least, Beth had been. She was never quite sure how to think of herself these days.) Clone drama aside, Beth had been a pretty average Canadian high schooler. She got reasonable grades, played a few sports, and kept mostly out of trouble because there would be hell to pay if she didn’t. Mika was a brilliant homeschooled autistic orphan who had been raised in near isolation by her guardian after surviving the hospital fire that marked her skin for life. Beth mostly listened to pop music, and where no one else could hear, the occasional classical symphony. Mika held fast to Finland's weird obsession with death metal and dabbled in literally everything else.

And yet, Mika understands Beth like no one else does. And it's not just because they've both been through all this Project Leda bullshit. Though Beth doesn't know what she would have done without Mika to help her through that, too.

Beth won't ever be able to forget the moment that everything changed. Recognizing a her own face from the mirror on the evening news stopped her in her tracks, as something in her gut caved in with the hollow certainty that it wasn't her. Then face after face flickered before her, a flipbook barrage of déja vu. Blonde and smiling. Scarred and pensive. Braids and piercings and a rakish grin. Beth was rooted in place as people she had never been wearing things she had never worn said things she was never supposed to know.

That utter strangeness on the screen immediately seeped into her life like an oil slick into a river, tainting every thing she thought she knew with clinging uncertainty. Her father was inexplicably even more upset about it than Beth was, yet adamant that they shouldn't look into the matter. But it was already too late to stop herself from thinking. With slow horror, the truth of what exactly his behavior must mean dawned on her. And yet, even with the desperate growing certainty about who her Leda monitor must be, it was hard to believe that he could be anything other than her plain stern father.

He was always a bit strict and overprotective - probably well more than a bit, she realizes these days. But she’d thought that's just what it was like to be a cop's daughter. He'd never done anything really extreme, nothing beyond the firm discipline any kid could expect. He was just not a man to be trifled with, that was all. So until everything she thought she knew shifted that day and threatened to topple every assumption she’d built her life on, she had never truly dared to cross him.

Outright daring him to say to her face that he wasn't her monitor was probably considered a step beyond trifling. He did not take it kindly.

Two months later, Beth and her mother were living in an apartment on the opposite side of the city. It took two months for the two of them to lay plans to leave together, for good. For two months, her every move was watched. She spent two months knowing there would be hell to pay if she didn't give the performance of a lifetime pretending everything was fine, even while sirens blared inside her day and night. Two months was more than enough to teach her things she never wanted to know about the hidden marks fear leaves on the body.

Even after she finally escaped, her life was in tatters and nothing made sense. It wasn’t just the sudden jarring discovery of Project Leda, or the crisis it had forced her to confront. It was learning that, deep down, she had known that she’d never once felt free. She’d unconsciously kept herself from knowing to avoid exactly that conflict of wills that she’d known she would lose.

Trying to come to terms with what had happened and how it changed everything, Beth was continuously losing her balance. Questioning which parts of her life had been screwed over by her father and which by being part of some ridiculous supervillain science experiment was like trying to stand on two kickboards in a pool. She couldn't find her footing, and all she could do was try and stay afloat. She had to repeat her whole junior year of high school that she lost to this shitshow, while starting over at a new school, and only barely scraped her way into senior year. Now that she knew how honestly terrible she'd been at judging who in her life she could trust, it was as hard to talk to old friends as it was to make new ones.

Therapy helped her start sorting out what she was feeling, and how the environment she’d grown up in was really not the healthiest. She hadn’t realized how much she’d learned to doubt her own perceptions. That made constructing any kind of new understanding of her situation an uphill struggle. And of course, her therapist couldn’t help her confirm anything about a human experiment that was so illegal it had been an international secret. As she continued to stumble forward, Beth even started doubting her former certainty of the identity of her Leda monitor. She questioned herself and everything she knew until she wanted to scream with frustration or weep with confusion. The floor of the counselor’s office could have been mopped with her tears. It was, quite literally, driving her mad.

So, finally, Beth had taken up the invitation on the banner of every Leda news feature to "Contact the secure, clone-run Clone Youth Group Network (CYGNet) for answers by emailing [email protected]."

She wanted something concrete that would help convince her brain to stop reenacting these head games that warped her reality. It still insisted on playing through the patterns it had been taught, even in its teacher’s absence. She needed something that could brace her against the ideas that she was really just paranoid, overreacting, accusing, that this was all her fault for making a big deal out of nothing. Even with his other faults (cruelties, her mind whispered) aside, at least his involvement with Project Leda was unforgivable, and she wanted proof of it. Maybe if she had that, she could stop being mad at herself for not wanting to forgive. And if anyone had that proof, CYGNet would.

Maybe it was just because of the sheer blunt honesty about her motives, or the inescapable vulnerability of the message Beth sent, but Mika had replied to her within a day. And she'd been so gentle about it, too, enough to make Beth later question where the stereotype of autistic brashness came from. Then again, over email, Mika had all the time she needed to compose her thoughts and lay them out as softly as she wanted. She didn't have to spit them out as fast as she could to keep pace with a quick and painfully overwhelming world.

Hi Beth Childs,

I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. I still don't know how they got away with doing things like this for so long. I suppose people will always find ways to be cruel. But we've survived this long, and the whole point of CYGNet is to help us all heal. The experimental network has been dismantled, and we are assembling resources to help us. We've brought mental health professionals on to the project to develop custom programs for our needs. We can make them available to you, if you are interested.

I attached scans of some of your files that we recovered from DYAD. There are a few case reports with the signature of the person you asked about, spaced throughout your lifetime. There are also financial records with his name in the list of paid employees. He was without a doubt part of the Leda monitor program. I can provide all of the documentation that we have related to you, if you like, but I thought that would be too much all at once. I know these are hard to look at, but I hope they help let your mind rest. They are very real, and every awful thing we have experienced was also real, no matter how they tried to convince everyone that we were making it all up.

Please take your time with these, and stay in contact if you want to. You can join our mailing list, if you want to know when we have new information or new resources available. We're here for you.

And hey, if you just want to talk to someone who knows what it's like to deal with all of this, I'm here, too. You can reach my personal inbox or IM me at [email protected]. It'll be okay.

-Veera

Beth had started crying before she even finished reading the letter, much less opened the attachments. She cried so often these days. She only knew why half the time. But this time, it felt like the tears were extracting some of her pain as they left her, instead of just overflowing from the unending wellspring of her directionless distress. All of this was real, and someone else knew it.

Though she was grateful beyond measure for her mother’s untiring support, they were each other’s too-close, ever-present reminders of what they’d survived, trying to act like they weren’t, trying to convince each other and themselves that they were okay. Beth had needed something else, too, something until now unnamed.

This was a handhold, a backstop Beth didn't know she'd been desperate to find. It wasn't just the confirmation of what she’d concluded about her father. The ability speak plainly to someone she didn't feel the need to pretend around was an exhale of a breath held too long. At least one person in the world not only understood, but really and truly didn't want or expect her to act like any of this was normal or okay, or that she would ever be the same again.

Veera – or Mika, as she often went by online – made good on her offer of a sympathetic ear. Their correspondence started off with awkward, grammatically correct messages about the less painful details of their lives. Mika told her about the farmer’s market three blocks away where she went walking early in the morning before it got busy, and the plant stand there that her best friend and roommate Niki (also a Leda) had to ask her to stop buying so many succulents from.

At first, Beth tried to chatter like she used to, but there were no safe subjects. What had happened had touched all of her life. Normally, she’d talk about school, or sports, or her friends. But she was trying to start all over again at a new school with all the struggles that came with it. She didn’t have the time or energy for sports anymore, and talking about them hurt, now. Running used to make her heart sing. But no matter how she tried, there was no joy in the motion anymore. To top it all off, it was as hard to connect with old friends from her old life as it was to try and make new ones. She spent most interactions either doubting her own character judgement or dreading the moment people recognized her Leda face from the news.

She didn’t know how to talk about any of it to anyone. Maybe she could have if it had been just the clone thing or just the dad thing. But the two were inextricably entangled, and she still couldn’t even explain it to herself. It was all unbelievably horrifying, and any time she tried to be honest about it, people ended up disbelieving or horrified. Shocker.

Maybe, though, it wouldn’t be weird to talk about it with Mika. Mika already knew the worst. Beth didn’t have to hide that hurt from her to keep from shaking her world, or to keep her dismissal from hurting Beth. Maybe that’s what was hurting the most: the feeling that even after escaping, she still had to pretend to be okay. That compulsive stifling feeling choked her whenever it bubbled back up. On her bad days, a simple “how are you?” could reduce her to a blank face plastered over a raw tangle of emotions held motionless her own iron grip.

But Mika mentioned having bad days, too. Days came where she was too scared and nightmare-weary to do anything but make herself some tea and soak up some sunlight in the safety of home. Beth could casually say things like after those two months, i still twitch every time i hear a door open, and i wish my body would quit feeling like it doesn’t exist, my legs feel numb. It barely broke the surface of what it was like in her head, but was discomfiting enough for people that she held her tongue at school.

Sometimes, Beth got tired of constantly thinking about all this shit and tried to lighten things up. On one comically disastrous occasion of cultural exchange, she liveblogged Mika her attempt at eating the infamous Scandinavian lutefisk, along with an audio recording of the incoherent horrified noises she made after tasting it. In return, she received a recording of someone, presumably Mika, laughing harder than she’d ever heard anyone laugh before. It made Beth smile. Not many things did, back then.

Slowly, as the formality fell away from their transcontinental conversations, their heavier stories seething below the surface seeped in. Beth had been in therapy long enough now to know that she couldn't just recklessly unload on people the way she did in counseling sessions. But a counselor couldn't always provide the same kind of unspoken solidarity that someone in the same boat could.

Bit by bit, slipped into the chats that were becoming a daily occurrence, they talked about monitors, about what the experiment had really all been for, why that both was and wasn’t important, and how they'd discovered they were a part of Project Leda. Putting words to the pain hurt, a lot. But the ability to lay out long-unspoken truths in front of each other, knowing they were believed in the way that only people who have shared something can, was a healing kind of pain instead of the festering one Beth had been living with.

The two of them had more in common than they'd thought, growing up a world apart. Beth's experience raised under the subconscious wariness of her father's hovering thumb felt a lot like what Mika described growing up largely isolated with her former guardian. But sometimes, whenever they realized that something they'd both thought was normal was pretty not, they got a good laugh out of it despite the weight of their pasts. Mika seemed somewhat accustomed to her normal being considered pretty weird, so she usually took the revelations in stride better than Beth did. Beth wouldn't find out for at least a year after meeting her that it was because of her Asperger's, since it was a topic Mika seemed quite sensitive about.

Mika explained it once, in a conversation full of long pauses on her part and watching the typing icon disappear and reappear on Beth’s. The way she put it, it just meant that her brain worked a bit differently than most people's, processing sounds and sights and all the information it took in at different speeds and with different emphases. The difference could turn everyday things like the sound of a refrigerator running into a splitting headache, or something as simple as the soft texture of her favorite jacket into a kind of bliss. That alternative way of processing also extended to things like words and emotions as well. Sometimes, it took her longer than the world was willing to wait to process them into something that made sense. It often made communication tricky, trying to compensate for the gap in mutual understanding with most people. The world and the people in it could be so overwhelming sometimes, so fast and bright and full of noise and uncertainty and bewilderingly arbitrary social conventions. But the biggest challenge was other people expecting her to do everything the same way they did, ignorant of the fact there were any ways to exist other than their own, and completely oblivious to the fact that she was already putting in at least twice as much effort to communicate with them as they were with her.

And yet, even coming from such a different perspective, Mika gets it. Beth says sometimes i dream of drowning and its not a nightmare and i wake up not knowing how to feel, and Mika says I still dream of burning and wake up not knowing which fires are real, and they both say yeah. And they sit there across the world from each other knowing these things, knowing that it doesn't fix anything. And yet, it does change something. Nothing's any better, really. But somehow, the knowledge that someone else understands makes it a little easier to bear.

And that's just it. Somehow, without ever even having seen her face, Mika sees Beth clearer than anyone. All of her, all the ugly parts she hides so that they can't hurt anyone, and all the good parts that she also hides so that nobody can hurt them or take them away from her. Mika sees all of that and then just tells Beth another story about the Northern Lights she sees on the regular. Apparently, in Finnish, they’re called "fox fires." Beth hardly ever sees the aurora, living relatively far south in a bright city. But her stories about life in the metropolis by the lake intrigue Mika as much as the tales of the twisting green lights do her. And Beth can talk about something lighter again while not having to pretend that the heaviness isn’t there, too, even while she’s just once more trying and failing to explain poutine. For her, the weight never really goes away. But the effort of pretending she’s not carrying it takes more out of her than the weight itself. Mika understands that.

Maybe that’s why Beth had talked it over with Mika first, even before her mom, when she was considering taking a gap year after she hopefully managed to finish her senior year of high school. (God, it was so hard to think about English or math or whatever when just that morning she’d woken from a nightmare about being back in a not-home house that she never escaped.) Beth's mom had been so unbelievably supportive of Beth's recovery, even while she herself was adjusting to the wrenching change in both of their lives. It was both inspiring and a little intimidating. If her mom managed to run a household and raise a daughter all on her own, even while trying to heal from her own trauma, how could Beth not do her utmost, too? She was grateful to be able to talk to Mika about it, to get a reality check from someone who both understood her situation intimately and didn't make Beth feel that pressure of expectation. In the end, Beth did decide to take a year or two off before considering college, and her mom was again nothing if not supportive. Beth figured, after this entire mess, she deserved some time to herself to work on sorting her shit out, and her mom agreed.

After graduating with reasonable if not flying colors, Beth worked a series of part-time and odd jobs that didn't stress her out too much, letting herself focus on her own healing. In between her mom's support, seeing a counselor regularly, and the security of having a friend she could really trust, Beth felt like she was making progress. Slow progress, sure, but progress, nonetheless. Considering that she had seventeen years' worth of lies to unbelieve and emotional trauma to finally acknowledge, Beth figured that there was only so much she could do in the three years she'd had.

Her days were still hard. Getting sleep and waking up and eating and even just existing were still so fucking hard sometimes, and it was horrible. Some days, the thinnest sheet trapped her in bed like it was a car pinning her down. It felt so stupid for such simple things to be so hard. But then her therapist would remind her that that’s what mental illness and trauma was, that this was what the wounds in her mind and heart made her feel like. And once in awhile, sun broke through the shadows, and she had a day that reminded her what an okay day felt like – that okay days existed. That more might.

Now, she’s here, lying in a bright living room so far from home, with her dearest friend in the next room. She’s comfortable, except for the knot in her neck from sleeping oddly on the couch. The soreness pales in comparison to the usual tensions that are so strangely absent. Beth can’t remember the last time she felt this okay. She’s not steeling herself to go to work. She’s not dreading the next conversation with her mother that goes quiet as they both remember awful things they don’t mention. She’s not bracing herself for the next time her brain runs rampant worrying about whether she’ll run into the subject of her restraining order somewhere in the city and have to wonder if he'll honor it.

None of that reaches her here. There’s something about this quiet little pocket of space. It’s overrun with a proliferation of potted plants, from the sprawling lacy-leafed monster in the corner, to the fern peeping out of the kitchen, to the vine cuttings spilling out of an oddly familiar leaf-shaped glass bottle on the sill. Sunlight streaks through leaves and windowpanes and across the colorful patchwork of rugs on the floor. In the midst of it all, Beth is held by a palpable aura of gentleness. It holds her so softly that she doesn't need to hold herself in. It's like the layer of caution that she always keeps wrapped between herself and the rest of the world has simply dissolved away. In this moment suspended in morning light, she is okay.

She feels safe.

The realization undoes something in her. She feels the tears starting, and she expects the taut tension of involuntary stifling that always comes with them to return. But it doesn’t. She lies still and soft on the couch with the water creeping over her cheeks, breath occasionally catching but flowing freely. She savors it in the quiet.

The soft thunk of an ill-fitted door opening breaks into her odd reverie. Mika’s up. Beth sniffs and scrubs at her eyes halfheartedly, but she can’t hide them right now and she doesn’t want to. Mika notices immediately, and comes trotting over with quiet steps, leaning forward all concern.

"Beth," she says softly. She shifts from foot to foot like a nervous cat, watching Beth with enormous eyes. Beth has never met anyone else with such an intense stare. Or maybe it's just the fact that Beth knows beyond all doubt that she's being looked at by somebody who really sees her in her entirety. It's like she's staring right into Beth's soul. But Mika was able to do that long before they saw each others' faces. They've shared so many thousands of words over screens and seas, so many emotions that have gone otherwise unspoken, so many too-early mornings and too-late nights on the fringes of each other's dawns and dusks.

“What’s wrong?”

Finally, a flash of that sick tension runs through Beth’s body. It’s been okay when Mika has asked that before, when it was just silent letters on a screen. But out loud, the question falls on her ears like every well-meaning inquiry she’s ever had to scramble to find an acceptable answer for. The strain begins to cinch tight around her again like coarse ropes across barely-healed skin, ready to compel her to replace the truth with something safer. Her arms and legs tied, she begins to freeze, railing against herself for tainting the softness, the safety of this place.

"Beth." Mika says again, softer but more urgent.

In the gap between thoughts created by hearing her name, Beth seizes the chance to redirect them to the present. She clings to the welling in the corners of her eyes, the warmth of the sun caressing her back. The leaves of trees whisper outside the third-floor window in a mild breeze. The brightness spills over the sill and across Mika’s asymmetrical, half-craggy face and lights up tufts of her short hair as she steps closer. The couch dips as Mika sits down next to her, tilting Beth toward her.

Without meeting her eyes, Mika lifts a hesitant hand that hovers in the air between them, uncertain yet reaching. Her gentle palm falls onto Beth's forearm as softly as a floating leaf. The fingers curl around Beth’s arm just below the wrist, firm but not tight. Comforting.

The softness surrounding Beth seeps back into her, saturating her. As the memory fades like a ripple into water, the tension slackens. But it leaves her shaky, with traces of a familiar ache in her neck muscles, one that goes deeper than the simple stiffness from the couch. She sucks in a few unsteady breaths while Mika gives her arm a gentle squeeze.

“Sorry,” Beth says in a small, awkward voice.

Mika tilts her head. “Why?”

“Uh, I didn’t mean to bring all – this mess, in here.” Beth rubs the back of her neck with her free hand. “It’s so... soft, and okay, and – I don’t wanna ruin it,” she says, trailing off into a mumble.

“Hey.” Mika moves her hand from Beth’s arm to her shoulder. When Beth looks at her, she’s looking right back. Mika's eyes dart down to the floor for a moment, but then return to hold Beth’s with deliberate steadiness. “It’s alright. It’s like this here because we wanted it to be safe to be messy. You’re not ruining anything.”

“... Oh.” She’s steadied by Mika’s fingers curling around her shoulder, by the tendrils of sunlight spreading across her head and back and arms. Mika’s voice is small but steady, and somehow it comes from the same throat that makes that huge pealing laugh. It’s so strange how they sound nothing alike. Until yesterday, Beth hadn’t heard her voice since the lutefisk incident. They’d mostly kept to text and pictures. It had seemed easier, the way it gave them both plenty time to think before they spoke through their different uncertainties. Beth was already planning her trip before they realized that they’d never actually called each other. By that point, it sounded like more fun to meet in person the old-fashioned way.

"I'll make you some tea." Mika abruptly stands and lets go of her. Beth is sad to lose the contact. She flits across the room toward the kitchen in her soft cotton pajama pants, complemented by yet another black graphic tee for yet another Scandinavian metal band Beth's never heard of. Or at least, she'd never heard of them before Mika, who has something to say about all of them, and now Beth knows more than she'll ever need to.

Mika moves in and out of view behind the half-wall that separates the little living room from the kitchen. The fronds of the fern on the counter make a green rustling as she brushes by them. It sends soft feathered shadows waving across the wall opposite the window. Beth hears the rush of water boiling out of sight, and soon sees steam rising from the mug that's being handed to her.

"It's hot," Mika says unnecessarily. She sits down next to her again, this time leaning into Beth with her arm. Beth’s glad for it.

"Have you ditched the bags and gone loose leaf?" Beth says, eyeing the fragments of bright green leaf free floating in her mug.

"It didn't come in a bag. It came from the window."

"The window?"

"It's basil tea. For the fear and pain. Five large fresh leaves in two hundred and fifty milliliters water. We grew it here."

Beth takes a cautious sip. It's surprisingly sweet, and the savory smell of the steam rising from it curls into her sinuses. The aching in her head and neck begin to relax. It's unfamiliar, but it feels like home should, just like everything else here.

"Thanks," Beth says. On an impulse of craving closeness, she leans her head onto Mika's shoulder with a sigh. The sensation of contact deepens as Mika leans against her, too.

Beth holds the cup close, fingers wrapping around its warmth. She takes another sip and gets a bit of leaf stuck in her teeth. The way she scrunches up her face trying to dislodge it pulls a tiny laugh out of Mika.

“You don’t have to be okay here,” Mika whispers. “You can just be. That’s what we do.”

Beth finds her eyes wet again, but she smiles while she sets her mug down and wipes them away. “Kinda already wish I could stay here,” she says with a chuckle.

“... That’s probably not impossible.”

“Really?” Beth asks wryly. “Not even twenty-four hours, and you’d already be willing to put up with me?”

“Twenty-four hours and twenty-seven months.”

Beth melts a little even while waving the idea aside. “I wasn’t serious.”

“I know, but... weren’t you looking at the school here?”

“I mean, yeah, but... really, my mom just thought I deserved a break to get away for a little while. She’d saved up a bit, and I didn’t want to make it a big deal or anything, but she really wanted me to. She knew I wanted to come see you. Checking out the school was mostly an excuse. I know it’s a great place, but... I don’t really think it’ll help with what I wanna do.”

“What do you want to do?”

Beth sighs and leans back, looking at the ceiling. Mika follows her so that they’re still shoulder to shoulder, and pulls her feet up to tuck them in cross-legged.

She flounders for a moment, trying to find where to begin. She hasn’t told anyone this yet.

“This Leda crap has been kind of awful, right? It’s screwed so many of us up. But there’s only, what, a few hundred of us? And that’s not the only reason things get messed up.” She swallows. Her eyes trace irregularities in the ceiling: a knot in an exposed wooden beam here, a sealed and repainted crack there. “Kids like me are a dime a dozen. There’s so many people out there going through hell, just because they got stuck with people who are hurting so much that they hurt other people. And then they go on and hurt more people. It’s a cycle that’s really fucking hard to break.”

Breaths that have become harsh force her to pause and let them lengthen again. A touch on her knee draws her eyes down to a hand resting on it palm up, offering. Beth takes it. Mika squeezes her fingers in reassurance.

“When I was little, I wanted to be a cop like my dad, did you know that?” Mika, eyes wide, shakes her head. “Yeah. That was always my plan. I used to think he was so brave. Wanted to be just like him.” She shudders. Mika grips her hand, steady. “Even if I could do it better than he did, the system is still full of people like him. It’s broken. I couldn’t – I can’t end up like that. I can’t keep being a part of this shit. I want to actually help people.

“I never thought about it before I met you, but the people you brought in to do therapy programs and all for CYGNet? They’re amazing. The stuff I’ve gotten from them has helped me so much. And I don’t know what I’d do without my regular therapist. These people really help people like me. Like all of us. Those are the kind of people I wanna be like.”

Beth’s voice drops and becomes small and secretive, but firm. “I’ve been looking at the social work programs at home. There’s some really good ones at the uni near where mom and I live now. And that’s the city where I grew up. I know how things work there. I know it won’t be easy, but. I could really... do stuff.”

Silence stretches. Beth looks at Mika, only to be completely thrown off by an expression she can’t make heads or tails of. “What?”

Mika’s face is blank yet soft, only barely hinting at her thoughts in the faintest crinkling of her eyes. It’s funny, how quiet her face is most of the time. Beth never would have guessed, going off her online impressions of her. Mika’s so expressive and eloquent with her written words. In person, she is much more subtle. But even after only a day spent around her, Beth is already starting to see how her movements speak volumes in a language of their own. The flickering of her hands flares to life with excitement. The casual shake of her head tosses her hair out of her eyes even when it’s not in the way, like she’s clearing the slate of her mind. And much like Beth these days, she goes very still and tense when she’s getting uncomfortable or overwhelmed, the way she did after a particularly loud whistle at the train station. It shows in her shoulders. They’re soft now though, and she just watches Beth and squeezes her hand once more.

“You’re really amazing, you know,” Mika says.

“Wh- huh?”

“Well.” She looks away and turns their hands over, but doesn’t let go. “After the awful things you’ve been through – nnnh! Don’t pretend,” she says, looking back sharply as Beth begins to protest that she didn’t have it that bad. Mika knows her so well. Beth can’t help but laugh a little. “After all that, you just want to help people. All I ever want to do is get away from them, most of the time.”

Beth quirks a brow at her with a bemused grin. “Really? Because setting up and running an organization that provides mental health resources and extremely important information to a few hundred people is a really shit way to not help people.”

“I never talk to most of them! And CYGNet only has one hundred and thirteen members, not hundreds.”

Beth rolls her eyes with an exaggerated motion. “Yeah, so, you’ve somehow convinced, what, a whole freaking third of a huge group of scared strangers to trust you?”

“A lot of that was Niki and the press team, she’s way better at talking to people th–”

“And you’ve been careful enough and clever enough to keep them and all the information you got from DYAD safe and secure? I can’t even imagine the organization and, and cyber-security and whatever the hell else you put into all this. That you still put in. And look what you’ve done. You’re helping so many people. You found something only you could do, and do it really damn well.”

Mika looks down into her lap, half her face flushed. The raised ridges and swirls of the scarred side are pink, but not as dark. Her shoulders curl in a little, but she doesn’t pull her hand away from Beth’s. If anything, she holds on a little tighter.

“You don’t have to like talking to people to help them. You don’t have to be someone you’re not,” Beth says gently, then pauses as a new thought occurs to her. “Why did you talk to me?”

Mika gives a tiny shrug, eyes still downcast. “You reached out to me. Most people are scared, or suspicious, or hard to talk to, but you were just... honest. You told me exactly what you needed, even if that meant sharing your painful secrets with a stranger. I...” She trails off, looking toward the closed door of Niki’s bedroom. She blinks slowly.

“It reminded me of something Niki said a long time ago. When we first met. We didn’t trust each other at first. But when things got bad, we needed to, and she just... We’d only known each other for a day. She told me a true story that people had called her crazy for, and trusted me to believe her. And when I told her about... my Asperger’s, about being autistic, she just told me something about herself, too, another thing that a lot of people get cruel about when they know. This was back before she came out, too. She was hardly out to herself, then, really. But she told me anyway. ‘Secret for a secret,’ she said.”

“She’s really special to you.” It’s not a question. How could it be, with the sheer softness of love rounding out every syllable and making Mika melt into the couch and into Beth’s shoulder.

“She’s... yes. She’s my family.” Mika looks out the window, and the bright light dances over her nose. “I don’t remember ever having one.”

Beth slings an arm around Mika’s shoulders and smiles as she curls closer into Beth’s side. “Looks like you’re part of a pretty big one, now,” she says, waving a hand at the dozens of photos on the walls circling them.

“I guess so.”

“No need to guess. The evidence is right there. And I’m right here.”

Mika turns those huge eyes on her again. She’s done that multiple times now, even though Beth knows she rarely looks people in the eye. Eye contact is too much, most of the time. She describes it as too intense, too distracting, too intimate. Meeting those eyes – so like Beth’s own, but filled with such a different kind of light – Beth thinks she understands a glimmer of it. If every eye she met were as overwhelmingly expressive as Mika’s, Beth probably wouldn’t meet them all either. It keeps taking her by surprise, coming across their eloquence in an otherwise quiet face. Caught by that gaze, every emotion that lives in it touches Beth. Right now, it’s soft with adoration but shaded with a gradient of doubt. The width and depth of Mika’s eyes reveal a clear view of a vulnerable, aching, healing heart that spent eleven years starving for the love it needs and still hasn’t forgotten the famine.

It might be breaking Beth’s heart. No wonder Niki is always showering her with hugs and kind words and gentle hands on rounded shoulders. Maybe one of these days, Mika will have spent long enough finally getting to soak up all that affection that she won’t look at Beth like this when she says the simple truth.

“Hey. Here I am. Really.” Beth’s voice is a little choked up. She pulls Mika into a proper hug with both arms. Mika squeaks in surprise at being squeezed so emphatically, but returns it all the same. God, but she gives the best hugs of anyone Beth’s ever met. All contact and even, firm pressure and steadiness. “It’s so damn good to see you. I can’t believe you’re...” real, Beth thinks but doesn’t say. I can’t believe I didn’t imagine you. I can’t believe you’re just as kind as your words. I can’t believe how good it feels to be around you. “I can’t believe I’m really here.”

Mika doesn’t say anything. For a moment, one of her hands leaves Beth’s back to fiddle with something, then comes back to give her a little squeeze that Beth returns.

Beth’s phone buzzes a notification behind her on the little glass-top table next to the couch. The table’s wooden base is a round blob carved into the shape of a very fluffy and very ugly sheep with curly horns. Beth’s arms loosen from their embrace as she turns to look at it, bemused. No one but Mika really messages her except for her mom. But if it’s morning here, it’s about time for bed at home. She checks it, just to be sure she’s okay.

But it’s not from her mom.

Mika reaches out to gently grasp her forearm again as Beth shoots her a quizzical look and opens the message.

3mika: I'm glad you're here.

Beth's heart quails.

To think, that her darker days might have kept her from ever being in this moment. Beth might never have gotten to this point, hurt but healing and here. Here, she's seven time zones and an ocean away from the cycle of pain she grew up in, barely aware she needed to escape. She might well feel safer right here in this crossroads of time and place than she has at any other in her entire life. It's a realization that's as humbling as it is nourishing.

Already, the distance this journey has taken her has given her so much perspective. She wasn’t sure, before, whether the work she’s been considering was just a response to what she’s been through – or just a way for the cycle to keep her within its spiral. But she’s seen what Mika can do, what Beth could do one day, if she keeps on.

It won’t be easy. She’ll go back, and deep-seated memories will try to drag her back into small dark places. But being here, even for only a few hours, has already changed her. She can change, and she can grow, and she is already tapping into new strengths that her past has yet to reckon with. She is here, right now, in spite of all of it. And today is not a dark day.

“Me too, Mika. I’m glad to be here, too.” Beth’s tongue stumbles over the name, because she’s never said it out loud before, only read it on a screen.

Surprise sends Mika’s eyebrows up and her eyes wide again, like she’s never heard it before, either. Maybe she hasn’t. She tilts her head again like a question, touching her ear and looking at Beth.

Beth grins. “Mika.” A smile blooms on that curious face, lighting it up. She’s the one who pulls Beth into a hug this time, and it’s both fierce and soft. When she lets go, she leans into Beth’s side again and they stay like that, arms over shoulders and comfortably curled up together, soaking in the warmth of each other’s presence like leaves drink in light. The simple sweetness and companionship of it soothes Beth’s heart, seeking its way into the aching crevices. It’s an odd feeling, both seeping inward and flowing outward, trickling all the way through her until it warms her cold toes in a way that feels both new and strangely familiar.

A long, sleepy yawn announces that Niki’s awake now, too. Soon, she comes out of her room stretching her arms over her head. Mika reaches a hand out toward her to wave in greeting, though she leaves the other arm draped over Beth’s shoulders. Niki smiles at them. That kind smile, too, adds to the warmth washing through Beth. Her feet practically itch with it, and with a growing sensation of déja vu. She fidgets her toes against the floor as Niki walks over to brush Mika’s outstretched hand like a touchstone.

“How'd you sleep? Isn’t that couch the comfiest?” she says to Beth.

“Well, I’ve got a crick in my neck, but I still slept better than I have in years.”

Niki turns her sunny smile on Beth. “Good to hear it. Weird, though, I nap there all the time and my neck’s always fine. Huh. Anyway, I think I might make waffles. You two want some breakfast?”

Mika nods, but doesn’t let go of Beth yet. Beth is lost in thought, trying to remember what that light, floating feeling in her feet reminds her of.

“Sweet.” Niki ambles toward the kitchen and bends down with pursed lips to peer at the fern perched on the counter. “Hmm. You still look a little pale. Let’s get you some more sun.” She brings the plant over to the living room and is fussing over settling it on the sheep table when it clicks for Beth. A physical memory washes over her, for once welcome. She lets it fill her, refreshing like a deep breath of cold morning air her lungs are suddenly hungry for. She flexes her calves and ankles, her legs remembering the joy and freedom of stride and strike. Her bones are finally recalling how they once carried her with ease, even while they're adjusting to the new weight of who she's become. Fully alive again for at least this moment, her soles are practically prickling with the desire to eat up ground.

“How about you, Beth? Do you like waffles?” Niki asks, fluffing the fern’s crinkly green leaves. Mika squeezes her shoulder.

Beth grins and plants steady feet on the blue rug in front of the couch. “Save a few for me? I think I might actually go for a run first.”

#orphan black #clone club #veera suominen #beth childs #niki lintula #mk ob #mika ob #herbs on the windowsill au #lizzie taking up space #lizzie's adventures in writing #welcome back yall #long post #fic #ob fic #that a garden will grow

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fvaleraye · 6 years ago

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I’m gonna just put some of my thoughts out there for a minute, it’ll be under a cut. It’s not a vent or anything! At least that’s not the intention ‘^^ It’s just probably gonna get long(correction: it did get long. Like, REALLY long), and some stuff in it might not be everyone’s cup of tea.

So...

I’ve mentioned before that my family is not the most supportive bunch, at least where things like... questioning your gender are concerned. I’ve lived with a pretty transphobic family my whole life. Still do, unfortunately. And I used to be a pretty transphobic person myself. How could I not be in the environment I grew up in? I didn’t know any better.

And that was the thing.

I didn’t know any better. All I knew about trans people was what I learned from my family bitching about them at random intervals for no other reason than they thought the concept was stupid. They’d never met a trans person in their lives, but that didn’t stop them from belittling them and making fun of them whenever they saw something related to them on the internet. I never openly belittled them like my family did, but I didn’t disagree with them either.

I had a forced sense of “normality” for my whole life. I was born male, so I was expected to act as such. Honestly, I’ve questioned my gender since I was... almost seven, I believe. I just didn’t really understand what the feelings and thoughts I was having back then. I was a kid, and, at that point, I hadn’t heard of trans people yet, so where was I supposed to go with thoughts like “but what if I’m a girl?”, “I don’t feel like I should be a boy...”, “I don’t know what I am.” Of course, I didn’t always completely relate to a more feminine image of myself(*demi*girl, and all that), but I related to it more than the expectations I put on myself.

And that was another thing, my family never really pressured me to be masculine, most of the pressure came from me. I got caught playing with my sisters dolls once when I was almost 8 and my parents lost their marbles. Of course I got a lecture about how boys can’t play with dolls... However, the topic was dropped as fast as it came up. It was never brought up again. Later, when I was around 10, was when my parents started bringing up the topic of trans people during their little discussions and started trying to dismantle the idea.

I had always pushed away the thoughts that were “different” or “weren’t right”, and getting a name for the thoughts enforced that. My parents hated the idea, so obviously I couldn’t have those thoughts. I still didn’t even completely realize what I was thinking, just that I had to act like how I was “supposed to”. I put myself into a mindset that I could not be feminine at all, ever. I used to refuse to play female characters in games, it was that ingrained into my head.

Speaking of games... Metroid was a big step for me. I first saw Samus in Smash Bros., and I thought she was a robot. I was very big into robots then, so I loved her. I didn’t find out she was a girl until we got Brawl and I used her final smash. I stopped playing her for a while, but then I just said “fuck it” and started playing her again. I thought she was cool. Eventually I got the Metroid Prime Trilogy on my Wii U. I had still been avoiding playing female characters in games, but I was willing to now. And how could I not play Samus’s games when I loved her so much in Smash? I felt comfortable playing her games, and in Smash, because she was a girl that didn’t... act like a girl. She kicked ass in a badass suit of power armor, which wasn’t a very girly thing to me, so I felt like I was “allowed” to play as her. Which was dumb, and the only person who said I wasn’t allowed was myself. I was always my biggest enemy. Video games were a big coping mechanism for me, so when I finally let myself play as female characters without an excuse... I started getting better. It wasn’t an overnight thing, and I wasn’t accepting myself solely for that, but it was a start.

Eventually I found... Undertale. Yes, Undertale. Honestly, a lot of good things in my life can be eventually traced back to that game. Undertale didn’t get me thinking about my gender or anything, no, but it got me onto tumblr. At first, I just... lurked. I didn’t have a tumblr account, I just had a few tumblr blogs that I knew of and hung around. Eventually I thought of my Undertale AU, and that’s when I finally made my tumblr account.

Of course, I only absorbed UT content at first... but, through tumblr, I was exposed to other things. I learned about different sexualities, I learned about what being transgender actually is, I learned... a lot. Or was inspired to learn. It was a slow process, but I finally started questioning myself... and accepting myself. It took me about a year of being on tumblr to question my attraction to people and accept that being attracted to everybody was okay. And it took me almost two years to come to terms with my gender identity.

Now... tumblr didn’t give me an epiphany, no. It wasn’t a magical solution to all my troubles, and I’m not gonna pretend that it was or is. No, I always knew. Tumblr just helped me be open-minded enough to accept what I already knew. And tumblr brought people into my life that helped me figure everything out.

I realized why I was never happy with myself.

I am... not a very feminine looking person. There are a lot of things I hate about myself. A lot of things that I want to be, but am not.

I want to be... feminine. I want to be petite. I want to be cute. I want to look good in skirts. I want to wear heels... okay maybe not that last bit, but I won’t know until I try-

I wish I could go back and just be born the way I wanted to be. But I was born the way I am. Do I plan on transitioning someday? Fuck yes, I’d love to! I want nothing more than a body I can be comfortable with. However... it’s a medical procedure, and those are always stupidly expensive. And I am terrified of surgery. I think my biggest fear is surgery... If there's a way I could transition without surgery? Even if it’s only partially? I can live with that. At least I think I can live with that. I hope I can. I’d just like to avoid going broke or getting put on a surgical table. I just want to look like the kind of person someone else can look at and think “oh, she’s cute”. I think the hardest part of getting to transition would be getting out of this house. I’m disabled, I have a hard time functioning, especially when it comes to things that people would consider work, and I’m at risk of losing my disability checks because the people who are in charge of these things seem to think that my IQ is too high for an ‘actual’ autistic person to have(I have other disabilities alongside that, but that’s another discussion altogether.) I’m just. Kind of fucked. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to get out of this house, to support myself... I hope I’m wrong. But the chances of me living away from my family aren’t looking good.

I won’t let it stop me, though. I’m going to try. I keep thinking I’m on a time limit, especially since I’m gonna turn 20 this year, but my uncle lived with my grandmother until well into his forties, and y’know what? He moved out recently, and he’s doing great! If he can do it... I just have to keep in mind that my life’s not gonna get better overnight. It’s a process. My life will get better... it may take years, it may be a long, long time from now...

But it will get better.

#Vaal Rambles #this got so long #but... thoughts are complicated #especially the ones i wanted to write out #it does get vent-y at some points #but i don't think it's rlly a vent #nothing rlly prompted this; i just rlly wanted to... talk #about my life. y'know?#y'all can ignore this; that's why it's under a cut #if you wanna read it; tho...#go right ahead

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the-misadvntures-of-me · 4 years ago

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Not Friends With Benefits:

An Excerpt: By Me: I love Tumblr

First of all, I would just like to encourage you to pray for my best friend Lydia. That poor, poor soul. We love her. There's a reason the password to this page is 'not again'. I'm stupid and for a moment there, though I thought I should delete that sentence because WHAT IF someone discovered my password. Then I did a think. OK MOVING ON.

The people in my life have come to appreciate how fucking problematic I am. I really do think that if someone were to do a study on the human levels of problematic-ness, I would definitely receive some sort of Nobel Prize. What an honor. To quote my mother, "Things really DO seem to always happen to YOU huh." Thanks, Sondra. Through the course of reading through this wonderful Tumbler account, I'm sure you'll begin to understand why this was said about me. To be completely honest, sometimes I amaze myself. Like dang, what the heck bro. But it's ok. Good thing I'm an enneagram 4. "The unicorn".

I should know more shit about the enneagram now that I think about it. I took a whole college class on it. But haha nope. I love being ADD. I did do a lot of doodling. I got better at my hand lettering, and honestly, that's the most important life lesson I got outa that. Side note, my professor was a Dick and failed me. I took it up with the board of directors, they saw my work, gave me an A, and fired him. That made me feel better. Another side note, I'm fantastic at getting teachers fired, as this was the third one. A story for another time. *Cough cough middle school Spanish*. #FuckDora #SraMooreTheExplorer #Perra(BITCH)

Hi so I'm also gey.

And on the autistic spectrum.

Fun times. Whatta BOP.

Moving on. Yes oooh the fun title. We love. Title is a fun word, it reminds me of tits. ^^^^^ ADD to the MAX right now, apologies. No, I'm not chill with the idea of the big ol' FWB. Friends With Benefits. WooHoo. I fucking love the world. First of all, friends with benefits is DEFINITELY a sex thing. Not about that sexy life. Anymore heh. So no, FWB is not a term in my pure-as-heck mind. RIP. God help me.

The whole idea of "friends with benefits" is just sad. It's sketchy, lame, and pathetic. Can't find love? Lmao fake it bro. Bored? Fuck. Yeah. Fun times. But when I sat down the other day and started to think about it, because why not fam, I started to think about the social standards of the world. So philosophical, I know. If you think about it though, if you're not doing the whole sex thing, why not kiss your friend? I mean, kissing is pheNOMenal. Muy Bien. *Hispanic Clap*. *NakedMoleRatFace*. Why are social standards against kissing your homies? If not them, why not your best friend? Best friend as in - best guy friend in this case - but I mean if u gey u gey.

(I'm gey tho, but oh well. Ish. Yet again, a story for another time. It doesn't apply here. Lydia and I may be soulmates, but NAH bro. None of that romance. CAN'T A GEY CHICK HAVE A FEMALE BFF. To clarify, because I'm not shutting up yet, I am bi. Ish. Not public or defined by a label necessarily because J E S U S. Y'all need Jesus. I need Jesus. Sheesh.)

This once again brings me to my precious best friend and soul mate forever, Lydia. I texted her this wonderfully philosophical question, and I received the eloquent response of, "God NO". Once again, may I prompt you to remember the password for this page. I have a track record for making terrible decisions and then casually THROWING THEM at Lydia. "Can one casually make out with their guy best friend" really is a great way to add some fun FIRE to any conversation. I highly recommend.

The thing is, this is not hypothetical because who am I kidding, I'm STUPID. :). Hehe RIP.

SO, we had a wonderful conversation full of ups and downs and highs and lows and poor, 17-year-old Lydia, once again, needing to play the role of my mother. She may be younger than me, but that girl has 20 years of wisdom on me. I am a heavenly fetus of bad decisions. YES, FINE, MAYBE I casually made out with my guy best friend. Big whoop. This was the event that prompted my wonderfully philosophical question, and the fantastically engaging conversation I had with Lydia. To be blunt here, what the fuck are social standards anymore? I mean, a fat man can run into the street in a leotard and a wig and proclaim he's a female, and boom. He sure as fuck is. So WHAT is the big deal with me *casually* making out with my guy best friend?

For a few days, I decided to once again casually slip this question into my conversations, and the results really did shock me. People who openly supported the LGBTQXYZ community, (and were okay with the idea of the fat leotard wig man) were absolutely appalled when I brought up this idea of friend-kissing. The irony. I'm not hating against the community, once again, BI AS FUCK. But still. I wasn't expecting their response at all. I do, however, understand their response. Not the leotard man response, but the aversion-to-kissing-your-friends response, because that’s not friends with benefits... right?

This is a reflection that will be continued later, as I am tired.

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caramelomachiato-blog · 8 years ago

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The Shadowhunter chronicles faves (spoilers for lord of shadows)

Okay but I'd protect: Kieran, Mark, Christina, Ty, Kit, Livvy (;-;), Dru, Tavvy, Helen, Aline, Diana, Jem, Tessa, Will (;-;), Alec, Magnus, Max and Rafe, Raphael (;-;), Simon, Izzy, Maia, Max (;-;), Jules, Alec, Kieran, Ty, Livvy, Alec, Magnus, Kieran, Raphael, Ty, Livvy, Dru, Diana, *repeat* with my life I love them so much I love Kit and relate to him on a spiritual level. I love his relationship with the twins (especially Ty if ya know what I mean ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ) and his frustration with Shadowhunters (he's expressing the viewers words tbh). I love his understanding and need to protect Ty. It's great to see someone doing the right thing for my baby bee boy. I love Dru so much being a middle child is hard, especially when you're 'too young' for literally everything and people forced your younger sibling on you. Also she's beautiful and her talks of insecurities about shape and weight really hit it home for me and I'm sure lots of other. I literally cried when Jules said "You're our heart baby girl. You're the heart of the family." Tavvy is the cutest bean and needs protecting. That's all that needs to be said. Also if anyone hurts him I'll find you. I loved Diana a lot from the beginning. My attachment to the Blackthorns meant that anyone who was nice to them by association caught my interest and deserved attention. But I liked her character, especially when she essentially told Zara to shut the fuck up ngl. Her coming out story was a cherry on the cake tbh I wasn't expecting it and I cried over her story (also her sister ;-;). I love Diana's design too. She's overall a great Character. I love Helen and Aline so much. Their relationship, dedication, meeting, everything about them alone and in a pair is just so great. Also I'm high-key gay for both of them. But Aline dedication to her wife made me cry I'm-- I'm just in love with them ok? Okay but Tessa Jem Will Tho yass I love them I haven't even finished their series (I've read lord of shadows but I'm only on clockwork angel aka the first one ;-;). I live their dynamic. Tessa's just beautiful and great and smart and badass af. Jem is precious I love him. Will is so great I actually prefer his herondaleness to Jace's. I love their interaction. And their Camille and Magnus interaction were the goodest of good shits™ 👌. Do I really need an explanation for Max and Rafe tbh. Like Tavvy they're both adorable and amazing. Also Max is blue (I love the fact he's blue). If anyone ever hurts or bullies them I'm coming for that person. Simon and Izzy. Well what can i say, Izzy is hot and Simon is chill (mah man). He's honestly such a geek ("tell me a bedtime story" "k *plot of starwars*"). He should meet Kit tbh. I love Izzy in book and the TV show (and not just because Emeraude Toubia is impossibly attractive). I live her character. I love Simon's character. 'Nough said. Max, well, uh we don't talk about that. F U C K Y O U S E B A S T I A N M O R G E N S T E R N ! ! ! I loved Max so much, though, I wish I could have protected him personally. He was so cute and loved reading and felt like no one noticed or listened to him or borderline ignored. (That sounds familiar call out post to my toxic friends and family). He's a 13 year old boy you should be ashamed! Tbh I loved Maia since I first read about her in the books. She was so strong and badass and pretty and great. Also that one time where izzy says if she was attracted to girls she'd tap that ass. Also when she killed that asshole I was like yasssss queen slay!!! Rip Kyle tho I miss him. She pretty great in the TV series too, W E A RE N O T T A L K IN G A B O U T T H E C L O S E T S C E N E I R E P E AT N O T!! Jules, Jules, Jules... he's a fucking amazing brother lets start with that. He's had to essentially, apart from Emma and Diana look after his siblings, the institute and everything else singlehandedly. He's always there for them. He's also an artist ! That's great I love artist characters idk. Can we also talk about his way with words dang dang diggity dang dang dang he can talk anyone into seeing to his POV or believing his words. He a great boi. He just needs (some milk, sorry it's 2 am) a permanent vacation with Emma in an AU where parabatai bonds won't make you crazy if you be fucking yo parabatai. So he can fuck Emma, essentially is what I'm, ever so subtly, getting at it. Christina Rosales is beautiful and deserves the world and to stab Zara Fucking Dearborn through the heart. Ok I love her but I love Kieran more so she better not hurt my boi Kier. Also I'm down for some KierArkTina anytime as long as they spend some (a great amount) time to sort out their issues and love each other properly. Mark is great tbh (but again I love Kieran more so don't hurt him mah boi). Like I love his personality and character and appearance and speech patterns they're like the perfect blend between nephilim and faerie and I love that. I love him, that coat scene tho and the kitchen scene and the many scenes where he talks to inanimate objects. Also the make out scenes got diggity damn kierark. Also talking about kierark ppl be like Kieran was so bad to mark yeah but mark was bad to Kieran too. I'm not excusing mah boi here or mark but yeah they both not angels (hahaha). Tbh I loved Raphael so much (also saphael). He was so great I loved this lil asshole so much I cried when he died so much. S E BA S T I A N F U C K IN G M O R G E R N S T E RN !! ! Also ! Ace! representation ! Is ! Important ! I'm! Happy! But yeah Rip this babe. I loved Ty and Livvy ever since I first read them in the books, I was super excited for an autistic character and related to Livvy as my little brother is also autistic. (Livvy deserved better tbh). They're just so great and cute, I love them. We don't deserve them tbh. I love ty, I'm sorry, Sherlock so much and his twin sister (Euros lol don't shoot me) is an inspiration. Livvy is so protective and I love her. Ty is just so protective and I love him. I love them both so much. Kieran, mah boi, my sass ball, my salty bitch, my faerie boi, my king's son, my slayer, my great handsome beautiful amazing boi. Okay I don't even know why I love him so much I just do. He's misunderstood and before yall bitch at me like oh that poor special snowflake he Hurting he misunderstood poor bean do he need a tiny violin to play sad music for him where's thE P R O O F OF T H I S BI T C H ! !! Yall can read up on this subject on other post about it I've reblogged. O K A Y he did some bad things he regrets and wished he could rewind and stop. Um. So has almost every other fricking character in this book series apart from really young kids don't just blame my baby gods guys. Magnus is just the best, if you hate him you're wrong doesn't matter who you are or what ever. You're wrong. He's a great great bf, fiancée, future husband, father, future uncle, babysitter, cat sitter, lover, friend, Warlock, person and soul. I love him I'd give up all my soul and body for him. I worship him, I love his design, speech patterns, personality, methods, over all character and just everything. If I wasn't attracted to female only I'd high-key be crushing on Magnus Bane. Bi the way (see what I did there) he great don't ever hurt. Also he slays. And Harry Shum Jr. does a great job portraying him in the series, he great. Drop everything because you've come to the last of the superior squad (Ty, Livvy, Kieran, Magnus and Alec) Buckle the fuck up guys it's time to go for a spin in the Mystery mobile (or w/e the fuck it's called). Ah Alec, my biggest fave rivalled only by Ty my other biggest fave, he's so handsome brave and amazing. Malec is like supreme OTP (with Kitty and Kierark of course) I live for their dynamic both in the book and on the screen in the TV show. I love Alec as he's incredibly relatable, beautiful, great with kids, a great leader, a great bf/financée/lover/husband, a great person. I love him. If i could if adopt him as my son. I'm screaming he's just so good. Also he hecka attractive for a guy if i was a guy 10/10 would bed and we'd this handsome boi. Also the way he roasted Zara Dearborn, she was more like deadborn back then. (Also when Kieran joined in I cried tears of joy). When are we gonna talk about his alleged bondage kink btw? Hmu with fic and Fanart with this if you have it. In conclusion I love them all very much! Special mentions to: Gwyn, Arthur, Malcolm (idk why), Annabel (kinda i guess), Jaime (Un petit peu), Nene, Nerissa and Aodaon (?) (he cute).

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uwugenides · 8 years ago

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FACT FOR EACH STAR GO GO GO !!!!!!!!!! :D

⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️When I was little I dropped a can in the garbage on accident and my brother made me crawl in the trash can to get it back out and put it in the right thing.⭐️I have right duane's syndrome. It's a birth defect that makes it so I can't turn my right eye outwards, it stops in the middle and I see double when I try to do it.⭐️I once fell through bleachers from the very top, falling straight down, twenty(20) ft, and I hit five cross bars on my way to the ground. My life did flash before my eyes.⭐️Growing up I wanted to be the first female president. Now I'm a trans man and I hate the government.⭐️I always wanted a husky (I was a wolf and tiger kid) and I got one two years ago and I love her. Her name is Ember.⭐️uhhhhh,,,,,,,, I'm autistic, well specifically I have aspergers⭐️I think you gave me too many stars ⭐️I love space but if I think about the laws of time and space I get too existential and dissociate for hours⭐️I'm having trouble thinking up new facts. F u my friend⭐️I've never been in a play or musical where I didn't have a speaking part⭐️In theatre I played this kid who is two feet taller than me and has non-stop freckled' older brother, so that was fun⭐️How am I supposed to do this without feeling self-centered??? Is that a fact?⭐️I always start writing stories and never finish them.⭐️I have some fucked yo dreams that I will never tell to a single person⭐️Moana is my favorite animated movie, only second to Road to El Dorado⭐️I type like this n lke this n vvvv much like this,,,⭐️I'm watching America's Got Talent right now and it always manages to restore my faith in humanity⭐️also the dancing pumpkin man from that old meme is on America's Got Talent and I love him⭐️I feel so small and then I feel so big and it is weird⭐️I love anyone who messages me, any message or ask. Even hate stuff, like thamknyoi, you took the time to think about me, even if its death wishes, you thought about me⭐️I love doing scary makeup⭐️fucked up shit and horror is my thing, but I can't watch horror movies alone⭐️I used to be really into werewolves and stuff when I first got on the internet and I guess you couldve considered me a furry⭐️I'm in love with my boyfriend⭐️did I mention I love my boyfriend⭐️that doctor who band that was called like Chameleon something??? Idk but they made really good songs. Check them out you guys⭐️COMEDY IS GREAT, FUNNY PEOPLE CAN FUCK ME UP⭐️I'm into dark comedy, but not insensitive comedy. Your racist jokes aren't funny, Barbara.⭐️I love tamale pie. If you haven't had tamale pie you need to have it.⭐️tamale pie and cornbread are the best⭐️sushi is really good⭐️my old choir teacher sang opera and was professionally trained in it.⭐️we had a karaoke day once and he sang karaoke opera for everyone. I'm p sure it was Italian too⭐️we had three foreign exchange students last year at my old school, one from South Korea, one from Finland, and one from Switzerland.⭐️a kid from my school spent part of her year as a foreign exchange student in Spain and when she came back she brought three girls from Spain with her and they cursed a lot⭐️I feel guilty about practically everything I've ever done in my life⭐️SO MANY STARS⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️the Ghostbusters reboot is a very good movie⭐️I want to go to COS (college of the siskiyous) and then transfer to SOU (Southern Oregon University) so hey, hit me up⭐️one is the loneliest number that you ever did see⭐️I'm sad 24/7 but sometimes that sadness comes across as comedy and that the only reason people like me⭐️I'm a minor⭐️I'm hot as fuck, get on my level twunk⭐️I hate terfs⭐️I want to be so rich that if I wanted to I could pay for everyone in the entire North America and South America to have enough food for three square meals a day⭐️i own a hat that says "black lives matter" and I've gotten ripped off my head more than once while riding my bus home⭐️I have a slight hitchhikers thumb⭐️I was born with brown hair but by the time I was two months old my hair was white⭐️I have owned four(4) rats, two(2) rabbits, seven(7) cats, two(2) guinea pigs, five(5) dogs, and one(1) hamster named Eddie.⭐️I am a self-taught horse-rider⭐️I have been to two(2) rodeos.⭐️I have asthma⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️so I love my boyfriend⭐️I chew on ice⭐️I order snow cones without any flavoring⭐️snow cones without any flavoring are cheaper⭐️SO MANY STARS⭐️I could've gotten more asks by now and I wouldn't know because I'm answering your stars⭐️I cry too easily⭐️I pass surprisingly well for being a trans guy who has not started T⭐️my family once sat at the dinner table on thanksgiving talking about how my mom had the right to hit me and I would not be allowed to defend myself⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I didn't know my dad was alive for the first twelve years of my life aside from the fact that we got the occasional eleven(11) dollar child support⭐️I love dogs⭐️I love cats ⭐️I love birds⭐️I love lizards⭐️I love snakes⭐️I love rats⭐️I love mice⭐️I love fish⭐️that guy on YouTube, Coyote Peterson is my goals as a person. If I could just live as a guy who goes around and finds wildlife I would never ask for another thing in my life⭐️I've recently started playing Pokémon Go again. It's fun⭐️my first Pokémon was a pikachu⭐️I've already traded my first Pokémon for more candies because I'm vain and want to be the very best⭐️I used to be a compulsive liars and would spend hours at night crying because I thought I was a horrible person for it. I was seven(7) at the time.⭐️I'm a trans⭐️koala bears are actively not helping themselves stay alive, not a fact about me, just a fact I like.⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I just got a new kitten named Periwinkle Blue⭐️if I die before I travel to at least one(1) foreign country I will have died a sad man⭐️my great grandpa was Jewish and I carry a lot of that culture and its traditions down with me, despite not actually considering myself part of the religion.⭐️I'm a descendant of the Karuk tribe which is located in Northern California. I speak very little Karuk but it's a very pretty language!⭐️I'm also Irish, German, and as mentioned above (or alluded to at least) Hebrew.⭐️I'm white passing as far as my Native American roots go, and trust me, it is awkward being the whitest person at the tribal meetings.⭐️my birthname was the same name my great grandmother had, but is spelt in the newer form, not the Hebrew translated English form.⭐️I live in a very country oriented town. Everyone owns a cow. Or a pig. I almost owned a pig once.⭐️a lot of people say I'm not actually a trans guy because I was too much of an outstanding girl⭐️my insurance won't cover my top surgery⭐️I work as a dishwasher and it sucks ass⭐️I want to quit my job⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I went vegetarian for two weeks and then caved for a bag of salami someone left on the counter⭐️I drink at least one(1) Pepsi zero a day⭐️the first website I ever roleplayed on was QuoteV.com⭐️my mom just brought me a Fitbit that she got for me. What does this mean?⭐️I'm technically overweight yet look like the average "healthy" body.⭐️I have Mono⭐️I had lice in second(2) grade and lost many of my beloved stuffed animals because of that⭐️because of trauma I regress on occasion and my YouTube watch history is always interesting when that happens.⭐️I have extremely bad anxiety and don't even realize it half the time⭐️Jimmy Fallon is better than Jimmy Kimmel⭐️I once played a union soldier in a civil war reenactment held by a traveling group of reenactors and trust me, they do not mess around. If you've ever been in something like that you know that they are practically in character 24/7⭐️I love little kids but feel like I'm horrible with babies⭐️I fear I'll be a horrible parent and make my child feel the way my mom makes me feel⭐️I tried to get myself emancipated once and sadly failed as I'd gone through with a Or of the process before someone told me I wasn't old enough yet.⭐️stars are dying balls of gas⭐️I love my boyfriend ⭐️ SO MANY FUCKING STARS JESUS HAROLD CHRIST⭐️The H in Jesus H Christ stands for Harold, I looked it up once.⭐️I don't kinkshame but people should be a bit more conscious of what they do in general public access places.⭐️I've been in two(2) abusive relationships⭐️I take a lot of meds⭐️I might start T this year or next year⭐️I want top surgery before I graduate high school or the summer before I go to college⭐️I relate to Tony Stark as a person way to much⭐️I hate when the Hulk is only Hulk and never Bruce Banner⭐️I'm pretty self-confident most the time⭐️I've brought a blanket with me to school on more than one(1) occasion.⭐️I'm naturally a night owl and sleep better when sleeping during the day⭐️I take commissions for my art and you should commission me.⭐️currently I own three(3) dogs and two(2) cats. Mattie, the German shorthair mix, Ember the Alaskan/Siberian husky mix, and Memphis the purebred Doberman pinscher. One(1) adult cat named Freckles and one(1) kitten named Periwinkle Blue.⭐️I love video games.⭐️I love theories. Let's talk theories all day. Any theory, let's talk.⭐️I love talking about sociology and social expectations that aren't realized.⭐️I love collecting odd knick-knacks. I have many weird artifacts around my room, gathered by me or my yard-sale enthusiast grandpa.⭐️I hate Donald Drumpf.⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I hope my boyfriend loves me⭐️the best animated characters to ever exist are Jesse, James, and Meowth from Pokemon.⭐️I'm taking PE independently at my new school⭐️I love singing and acting but I worry that I'm the person that is really bad at it and no one will tell me⭐️I also love doing special effects makeup⭐️sculpting is great fun⭐️I'll be going to the San Francisco comic con this September so if you're there come see me⭐️I'm going to be Dipper for comic con and my boyfriend is going to be Bill Cipher⭐️Arya from Game of Thrones is the best young actress I've ever seen⭐️then again she's not actually that young⭐️I once got stung by a scorpion while being inside my own home on my own bed⭐️till I was like seven(7) I had to share a room with my mom because we didn't have a house big enough for me to sleep anywhere else⭐️my dog Mattie's fullname is Calamity Anastasia Strelow⭐️at the school I used to attend a kid dressed up as a "tr*nny" for Halloween and wasn't told to take off his costume till someone who wasn't trans and out at the school complained and that took me begging my friend.⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I'm Bigfoot and my boyfriend is Mothman⭐️Atomic Blond looks like a really good movie⭐️my first(1) two(2) rats were named Loulou and Pepper⭐️my rabbits were Midnight and Petals.⭐️my hamster was a Russian dwarf hamster and he ended up being eaten by my cat Bobby Joe who was eaten by a mountain lion from the local area⭐️a bear has been seen on my old elementary school's campus five(5) times in my lifetime⭐️wolves were once seen by the only starbucks in my town which was only opened up last year⭐️I live in a major gold mining area and I5 runs right through the town next to mine which is practically where I live⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I've had a full body massage once(1) in my life and let me tell you, you haven't lived till you've had your butt massaged⭐️I've taken like three(3) different classes for martial arts and never really followed through with any of them⭐️I've only been bitten by one dog in my entire life and it was completely my fault⭐️this post is too long Jesus fuck⭐️why⭐️the emoji movie doesn't actually look that bad in my opinion⭐️Despicable Me3(three) was actually a really good movie.⭐️I hate bad acting but I respect the effort⭐️every sibling I have is a half-sibling⭐️I'm a horrible person⭐️but I'm also the only good person alive aside from my friends and boyfriend so I'm conflicted ⭐️The Gay and Wondrous Life of Caleb Gallo is a must see by anyone who considers them self part of the LGBTQ+ community⭐️I don't consider queer a slur personally but I understand the history of it and I never have and never will use it to describe someone or a group of people without their explicit permission⭐️before I came out as a trans guy I thought I was gebderfluid⭐️Chase Ross is an awesome guy⭐️I feel like I look like Ronan from The Raven Cycle with my new haircut, but I always pictured him with a darker complexion so idk⭐️I hate Caitlin Jenner as a person, but not for her gender identity in and of itself.⭐️my phone is getting very warm⭐️these stars are horribly shaded⭐️I love being trans and don't regret it at all⭐️my husky is probably my favorite dog so far⭐️TOO MANY STARS⭐️I don't know anythinh⭐️I'm actually a robot and this is all a lie⭐️I want to be a popular blogger or like a YouTube or something but hhhhnnnnnggg⭐️I'm really into literature and English and history and everything about all of that⭐️I made my signature while scribbling and realized a particular scribble looked like my initials⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I watch too many shows ⭐️I want to be a teacher kind of⭐️I want a better job⭐️I want to be who I see in the mirror when I've got all thecright clothes on and I'm feeling confident ⭐️I want to be a better person⭐️I want to be amazing⭐️I want to be a good human being⭐️I want to be special⭐️I want to be good enough⭐️I want to be happy⭐️I want to be healthy⭐️I want to be happy with who I am⭐️I want to be me⭐️I want to be cool⭐️I want to realize that I can be all this things if I just let myself⭐️I want to kiss John Boyega⭐️I want to hug Chris Pratt⭐️I want to smile the way I smile when I see my boyfriend⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I want more scars⭐️I want to be more adventurous⭐️I want to be a great person⭐️I want to live a good life⭐️I want Drumpf to resign⭐️I want to be famous⭐️I want to be immortal for all the good and bad it brings⭐️I want to be good⭐️I want to be happy⭐️I want this to end⭐️I love my boyfriend

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essencepoints · 6 years ago

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https://ift.tt/eA8V8JWarning as usual -long ass journal style post ahead. Read it or not. Your call. I think info is important or I would not have included it. This is in part an update to this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/bxih8t/fr_losing_my_religion/ As well as a FR on what I believe to be my main event and an open solicitation of advice, calling me a faggot, whatever the hell you want. Let me have it guys. Time to knock the dust off and grow. Figured out my religion was bullshit, wife still very religious- she threatened divorce - I immediately lawyered up and began gathering info (stay plan is now same as go plan) but took no action to initiate divorce... just notes. She found out I talked to atty, had a meltdown, and now tries to re-frame me as the bad guy who is threatening divorce. Don't give a fuck, just STFU and execute. Phase 1: once she calmed down and realized I wasn’t fucking around with her divorce threats anymore, she became submissive, fun, sexual. We’ve had sex nearly every day for a couple of weeks. Not overly passionate hysterical bonding panic sex but the dread was up and she seemed to respect me and desire me more. As time went on frequency stayed high but quality slid closer and closer to just above starfish. The church still pisses me off. Big anger phase that I’m trying to overcome. I'm working my way out and will tell you about it in detail if you want to know. For now, just know that I am leaving. Fuck I once again see the need to STFU. I lose frame when I discuss my problems with the church with her because she feels so strongly about it and I get angry when she won’t look at it logically. Bringing up the church in any way is a surefire way to dry sex up for a day or more. My inner validation whore wants her to realize I am not crazy but she’s going to just have to think what she likes while I lead us to freedom by example. A second 1000 foot rope to pull taut. I’m so glad I have redpill. Porting the same tactics over from relationships/sex to this aspect seems to be the way to go. Phase 2: As time has progressed we've entered a new phase where she will be bitchy, try to start fights etc. She will want to critique every conversation I have with people: "you shouldn't have said that" her hypergamy and solipsism are in overdrive. Regardless of the fighting and general bitchiness, if I stay cocky- funny, STFU etc, she still fucks me. (you mean this redpill shit works? who knew?) I also realize that I suck at comfort tests. Maybe it's the fact that with my increased TRT protocol I am at numbers approaching 8-900, or that I am just an autistic angry Rambo fuck, but I just tend to treat everything as a shit test (her comfort tests are shitty, so I have treated them as shit so far) She is feeling the dread and losing her shit on a regular basis. Two days ago she sits me down and asks if I have been 100% faithful. My responses: "Why would you ask that?" followed by "If I decide to move on you'll be the first to know." Then she asks if I have been looking at porn. (nope. porn is weak-ass shit for betas) answer laughing: "no, why?" Now porn is a doubly big thing in the Mormon church. They are fucking obsessed with it. Mormon wives are taught that porn use is cheating and women are taught that bikinis and even bare shoulders can be considered porn. I shit you not. They recently released 70 anti-porn videos in one day. They have support groups for the men who are "addicted" to porn (because no woman has ever looked at porn) and support groups for their frigid wives to bitch about their husbands who are addicted to porn. They create all sorts of shame which feed the beta male cycle. Gotta keep people sick so they stay in the hospital. She then pulls up my instagram account where I have exactly zero posts, 3 followers including her, and follow about 20 gun companies and 3-4 weightlifting tips accounts. Among all those is some gal in another state who posts pictures of kickass guns but also is gasp wearing a low cut top and even has some BIKINI PICTURES on her instagram. I honestly don't even recall following her and would laughingly own it if I did. It's a fucking nothing burger. She gets one straight courtesy answer of No and then its right to asshole mode as she won't fucking let it go. "She's pretty hot babe, do you think she would let me shoot her suppressed m4?" Cue snot and tears. I hug her but STFU. Next morning I am trying to leave and she pulls me down onto the bed and makes me late for work. The whole time we are fucking she can't stop talking about how much she would like to watch me with another girl. (standard DEVI threesome fantasy that gets her going) Outside the bedroom though its back to the shit tests about this girl and bitchiness. Shit test after shit test about this person I've never met over the last couple of days. She can't take the joke when I fire back a witty remark every time. Gets pissed. Cries. Not my problem. Her hamster is in overdrive. She wants total access to my phone and location. She wants to read all my fucking texts and deconstruct everything I say to other people and tell me what is and isn't appropriate. She rants that she is a prisoner because I haven't let her run the finances for the last 2 years and I have my own account. (she fucked up the finances for 17 years and I make the household money, her money from her job is hers to spend. Deal with it) Telling me she will never have sex with me (ignore what she says and just keep initiating and fucking her when I want to fuck) She told me yesterday that she feels like she is showing up to work every day not knowing if she has a job or not... (good. dread is working) I'm reasonably sure this is a multi-day main event. Yesterday we were working in the yard and after some initial shit tests she became a bit reasonable and we started having a good conversation until a neighbor walked over and I talked to him. As he walked away within earshot she starts tearing apart my conversation and telling me what I should and shouldn't have said. It's getting dark anyway so I let her rant while I STFU and pick up the tools and head in without saying a word. She can't let it go and follows me around the house trying to start shit. I calmly inform her that I'm not going to have my conversations Monday morning quarterbacked. She can't let it go. Alternating between yelling and crying and the same old tropes about how bad I treat her and the instagram chick and how she is a prisoner. Fuck if these are comfort tests she ain't gonna get any comfort from me by being a bitch. I hop in the shower and she keeps opening the shower door. I am trying not to lose it and playfully splash water on her a few times until she follows me into the shower fully clothed. Still yelling. Now I have a weakness. She knows it too. Not only that, she actively uses it against me. I suppose i should thank her for making me stronger. I've had it since childhood and I probably need therapy. I can't stand being cornered. It's like claustrophobia but only with people cornering me and straight fight or flight response. So here I am naked, cornered and wanting nothing more than to go berserker and kill every living thing I can touch. I finally raise my voice and tell her to FUCK OFF. She can't stand profanity. I'm not allowed to use it around her and especially at her but she needs the verbal punch in the face. I get out and dry off and just try to STFU the rest of the night. Again, pre-redpill a curse word would have put me in the penalty box for a few days at least. Nope. Last night she fucked me good, came hard and I pushed some boundaries/took what I wanted. It's making my head spin to see it all in action. If I analyze it I think where I miss the mark is I'm still a drunk captain when it comes to overall vision. She has asked what I want a couple of times and I am so fucking autistic/ blue pill conditioned I can't articulate what I want her to be without worrying about how I sound. I still give too many fucks. I want to be ready to lay out a vision for our relationship and what she should be to me once we hit the snot bubbles and reconciliation here. Any pro tips on how to explain to her once she starts communicating overtly exactly how you expect her to be and act? I need to work on that. submitted by /u/alphasixfour [link] [comments] * This article was originally published here

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decadenttimetravelmentality-blog · 7 years ago

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