#tw: suicidal ideology

[colorfullyminded]

SunStone Angst Idea

Shared this with a friend, so I figured you guys would like to see it too. Thanks @sapphicdib for pulling me into Rain World.

Pebbles: I have depression

Suns: We all do, Pebbles

Pebbles: You have no clue how bad it is for me!!!

(Cuts to Suns learning about Pebbles' Rot, how they were the one who caused it-- how this is all their fault, and they have to stay emotionally detached because they're seen as one of the leaders. How they tried to reach out to Pebbles because they love him, but due to difficulties with communicating their thoughts-- Pebbles only futher pushed Suns away; until they were blocked out entirely, and their slugcat was hurt in the process)

(Cuts to Sun staring at their slug cat who has made it home but is still in critical condition and it's touch and go if SpearMaster will survive. They don't know if he'll lose another dear friend-- and if they do, it will once more be because of their doing)

(Suns realizing they've doomed the love of their life, and Moon, and has also hurt Sigs in the process-- they've literally failed everyone, and despite being the one who's supposed to be the strongest and know what to do--they has no clue what to do next)

(Finally cutting to Suns alone in their chamber, staring at the code to their Self-Destruction taboo)

"Believe me Pebbles, I, of all people understand."

[lumen-tellus]

i got to be really fucking real for a hot second, but me making the orv-umineko-drk connections really made me figure out something i lowkey kinda always knew but really thinking about it now, at the very least, its much more obvious lol

i realised that those three things - rather, the messages inherent in orv, umineko, and the drk questline - are all the same.

at some point or the other, they all talk about love. specifically, love for oneself, sometimes through and with another, but at least it starts first by loving yourself.

and ive always known with drk quests and umineko, that message about love was very hard-hitting and made a strong impression on my scrambled eggs for brains when i first encountered the respective media - i loved that one of their core messages was about love and to try loving yourself, even when things are hard, even when you yourself think you can't be loved.

and now, i think the connection between orv and umineko is especially stronger, the two being far more similar even imo - because these two stories feature a person who wants to be loved but feels they cannot be loved because they perceive a fundamental flaw with themselves. and. because of that. would rather die. may even be happy to do so, depending on the circumstances.

my realization is very simple. it's easy to be impacted by their stories, to empathize with a person who wants to die bc they feel they shouldn't be alive, who thinks they have no worth while alive nor believes they can survive through the endless jungle called life, especially not alone or what they perceive as all by themselves. who knows how many times ive thought the same since i was a child, either very intensely or passingly when the mood strikes me.

and ofc, the kicker of all these stories about love - besides the hope that i myself can reverse that thinking and see worth in myself - is that, all these stories feature at least someone else (or yourself as a someone, but there's Someone) who loves you. who doesnt view you in terms of worth or even survivability but simply because they do. not a romantic love though that's possible—it's simply pure love for another person, another existence.

the abstract idea that you're not alone and you can be loved, be given the love to continue through the perils of the world. the promise of a happy ending for someone who can't even dream of their own happiness.

ive noticed for a long time now, even in my own daydreams with my silly little ocs and whatnot, i can't think of a conclusion. not just a good, happy conclusion, but often even bad conclusions are hard for me to visualize bc a conclusion is supposed to end. but i can't even imagine that - imaginary plots are ultimately a continuous spiral of worse and worse to my blorbos, and even when i try to keep it short, to terminate it, i can't find a spot. bc if they stay dead, that's not satisfactory, but letting them live leads to an eternal suffering of one thing after now.

i try to imagine perfectly happy endings and while a part of me enjoys them, the rest of me would feel disgruntled - the idea of things ending with a perfectly tied bow didn't make logical sense to me, even after trials and tribulations and whatnot that id imagine in my daydreams. it should be that way, shouldn't it? the characters going through a great many things and then settling into a well-deserved rest. i do imagine a great many things and i do think they deserve a peaceful end.

and yet, in spite of how perfectly fine that is on paper, im not satisfied with it. even tho it should end kindly. it would be nice if it ends kindly.

a person who wants to die, while desiring that complete and utmost and hopefully peaceful end, doesn't necessarily think it will solve anything. it just ends things. there are regrets and hopes that lead us to want an out, but those regrets won't be resolved and those hopes will not be granted through that great and final escape. all the luggage gets left behind, even. and you won't even be there to try sorting it out anymore.

what a mess i would leave behind, i would think at times, though that doesn't stop the concept from being tempting regardless.

if i try to imagine a happy ending in some fanciful daydream, it's hard to imagine that the regrets and hopes of everyone involved will be adequately dealt with. even if i want to, because wanting doesn't translate into a can do it.

which is why the happy endings of other stories talking about love, that insist on it, saying in spite of all that, are so impactful imo. here is a happy ending that, at the very least, shows the possibility for being to resolve regrets and grant hopes.

it's a promise that can be easily broken by whatever reality twists itself to be. but it's a promise nonetheless.

[rouge-the-bat]

me: im a bi lesbian :3

exclusionists & radfems exploding into my space out of nowhere: "just call yourself sapphic oh my god" "kill yourself tra" "thats not a thing youre just bi with a preference" "get raped terf" "ew fucking bihet" "oh you poor lesbian with comphet </3" "cock sucker" "look at this fucking hetero bitch" "youre a lesbophobe, biphobe, and transphobe" "youre just a contributor to lesbians being raped"

me:

[genshin-projection]

had a dream last night that Sunday became playable and i managed to pull him but he hated my ideology and portrayal of him so much that at the last second, instead of joining my character roster, he jumped out of the character splash art and into the void of space, erasing himself from existence forever. what on earth was that

[marshmallow-biscuit-blog]

funny how OCD will also give you scenarios on how you should kill yourself with perfect, unwanted, imagery in your mind.

[sparrowsage]

For the five sentence fic!

"Regret burns in Sparrow's chest. A tear falling down his sunken in cheeks."

TW: mentions of death and very heavily implied suicidal ideology

Regret burns in Sparrow’s chest, a tear falling down his sunken cheeks. His body goes lax in his restraints and all he can do is stare in Logan’s general direction, his eyes slightly glossed over. 

He should’ve been there with him, he should have fought harder to stay. But despite everything he did, he had still been dragged away, kept from the one thing he cared about. 

“Aw, are you upset that you didn’t get to say goodbye?” Logan asked, mock sympathy clear in his tone, “That in his last moments on this Earth, you weren’t there to comfort your little friend? That you let him die alone and afraid?” 

Logan is more than delighted that he had struck several nerves in the slave and the fact that all it took to break him was killing the one thing that had kept him fighting. 

“Now you’re stuck here, without him. It’s better that he died, now that I think about it,” Logan started, walking out from behind his desk to stand in front of Sparrow, who didn’t even look up at him as he spoke, “because now you have no ties to anything in this world, which leaves you in a state of vulnerability which I’m sure every Keeper would love to exploit. Maybe if you can’t hack it here, you’ll be able to join the runt, but for now, you’re stuck with me.” 

Logan was right, Sparrow had no ties to anything anymore. Ever since he had been brought here, he kept to himself, determined to get through this hell all by himself. But the kid was something different. The kid had given him hope, had given him a reason to keep fighting and to not give up. The kid had given him a reason to live, and now he had none. 

Sparrow had tried before, but he had always been caught. There weren’t many ways to do it, and the few times he had attempted before had been too slow; easy for the Keeper’s to intervene and right before it was too late. He’d have to find a quicker way if he finally wanted to be free from all of this. 

[angry-regrets]

I feel myself under the water again. Except this time, oh this time there is no hand to pull me above. And the hands above I wouldn't take anyways. Their so full of hurt and pain, manipulation. It be ignorant of me to take the same hands that pushed me under, only to do it again and again. I've wondered, what's at the bottom of this vast ocean of suffocation and sorrow? Maybe, just maybe, there might be something beautiful at the bottom. Something worth holding and something worth looking at in this suffocating silence at the bottom of the water. Let the tide take me under. Let the screams of those who abused me vanish like I do into the waves. Let me feel safe under the water. Let me suffocate in silence.

[musical-chick-13]

"I think every American should kill themselves." Congratulations! In voicing this out loud, you have thus ensured that I will not be killing myself, even though I've been routinely contemplated doing that off and on for the past two years!

If you had kept your mouth shut, you might have gotten what you actually wanted, but tough luck now!!

[trans-axolotl]

referring to thesuicidedoula on instagram not you

ohhh okay. yeah to be clear when i linked them that was not necessarily an endorsement of like, every single of their posts or saying that i think that their analysis about suicidality is always correct or helpful. some of their posts have been valuable for me in thinking about what ways mad lib movements sometimes exclude suicidal people from our communities and reframing ideas around autonomy and suicidality. i know some people resonate with some of their ideas, and i know that they're a mad person spending a lot of time talking about suicide in Mad spaces. i don't agree with every post they make and you don't have to either!

[umflowers]

me: coloring a butterfly on my fav app, doin' a-okay brain: hey remember how paedophiles probably still have those pics your mom took in their collections to this day :) me: brain: that shit will never ever ever go away :) you have no control over it at all :) :) me: .... brain: just a buncha pervs gettin off to the very worst moments of your miserable life :D we should die now cuz it's not like that'll ever get bearable, y'know? me: no? obviously not doing that? brain: now :) :) :) me: ..................

[brucewaynehater101]

WHUMPTOBER 2024: PROMPT #4

Hallucinations, sensory deprivation, "you're still alive in my head"

TW: blood, main character death, self-inflicted injuries, suicidal ideology

CW: hurt no comfort

Brief synopsis: Jason has a reoccurring visitor he wishes would just leave him alone

@bowlofworms helped me with this!!! I forgot to add the tag ^^ Thank you!

“Why can't you just leave me alone?” 

Hood's tone is defeated as his eyes remain trained on the crumbling wall in front of him. There's some mystery stain where the ceiling meets the wall, but that's not what's catching his attention. Rather, he's trying his damned hardest not to glance at the figure inspecting his new safehouse.

There’s a disinterested and placating hum from the teen as he pursues the assortment of weapons Hood has lying about. The steady drip, drip, drip would drive Jason mad if the man wasn't convinced he already was. 

“You really shouldn't leave your equipment out like this. It's a safety and security issue.” 

The teen, like always, is a cheeky brat.

Jason closes his eyes and tips his head to lean on the back of the couch. He would beg any god for reprieve, but he knows this is his penance. He can't rid himself of the other's presence.

The drip, drip, drip continues. Jason refuses to look. He can't hear any shuffling or footsteps from the other. He doesn't even hear the creak of floorboards in the dilapidated apartment. There's just the constant dripping and occasional verbal noise.

A sigh.

The wet plopping grows closer. 

Jason's face scrunches.

“You can’t even look at me, eh?”

Like a possum, Jason plays dead. He’s had enough experience with death that he should be able to pull it off.

The teen grumbles and heaves. “It's only going to get worse if you don't.”

The man doesn’t respond.

Another sigh.

The dripping stops.

It takes a long time for Jason to peel his eyes open and confirm that his safehouse is empty.

It's been a while since the teen started visiting Jason. Months of snarky comments, demands to face his demons, and that gods awful drip.

Jason is tired, but this is no less than what he deserves after all he's done. He will never be able to correct it. Some actions are too permanent.

It's why he throws himself into protecting Crime Alley and drags his brutalized body out onto the streets again and again. Perhaps the pain of never healed injuries will be punishment enough that the teen will finally leave him alone. Maybe Red Hood’s skull will greet a bullet. Or, at the very least, Jason can hope to become so exhausted that his sleep is dreamless. It's a useless endeavor, but it's all he can do.

He'll fight until he drops, one way or the other. 

Nightmares plague him regardless if he's awake or asleep.

It's this practically suicidal work ethic that leaves him vulnerable to being caught. It's what gets him chucked into a sensory deprivation cell.

For the first few hours, with only his own moving and breathing being audible, Jason tries to escape. He devises, tries, and then discards numerous plans.

Not much has changed, but the walls feel impossibly close and nonexistent. He can hardly tell what's right side up.

His fingers ache with the effort of trying to rip the walls apart in hopes of at least hearing something. Anything but his own fucking panting.

He'd get on his knees and forgive Bruce if it meant he'd get some sort of stimulation. Anything at all to tell him that he's alive and not slowly melting into the nothingness. He'd dig himself out of his fucking grave again. He needs something. Anything.

Then he hears that fucking drip.

The wet plopping over and over and over and over and over again.

And Jason screams. He howls and he rages and he throws himself at the walls. He cries and pleads and begs. He pounds until he feels warm liquid painfully smear on the surface.

When that doesn't stop that fucking dripping, he talks. He talks about anything until his voice becomes sore. Until it becomes so sore he can't talk.

He starts up the pounding again.

He does all that he can just to drown out that damn. Fucking. Dripping.

He can't fucking take it. He won't. He'd rather rip his own fucking ears off than face that damn tap, tap, tap.

He was wrong before. He'd rather go fucking mad in the silence than face the wet plopping behind him. The teen he will not face.

But there's nothing left. His voice is gone. His hands are a mangled mess. His harsh breathing doesn't drown it out. And he's exhausted. 

There's no escape from the drip, drip, drip, drip, drip.

His hands slip down the wall as he falls to his knees. The rest above his bowed head as his tears plop onto the ground. He can't see it, but he knows he left two bloody trails down the wall. 

As he sits back onto his feet, his head remains bowed as if he were in prayer. It won't save him from his torment. The god his parents worshiped won't free him from retribution. It's useless to ask, but it brings him enough peace to turn around.

Jason can't even see his own hands but the kid is fully visible. He's decked in a torn red, yellow, and green. Bruises cover his face, his arms, and the patches of skin visible beneath the rips in his uniform. Blood is caked onto his head and clothes. Arctic eyes peer at Jason through the cracks in the mask’s lenses. There's a steady stream of blood from the gash on the left side of his neck. It trails over to his shoulder and down his arm.

His hand is by his side, but little red droplets drip, drip, drip from his fingertips.

Tim's smile is bitter as he regards the man trembling before him. “Now you'll look at me?”

Jason tries to press his wobbling lips together. The involuntary whimper scraps at the man's raw throat.

The smile drops from Robin's face as he sighs. He glances away with gritted teeth before focusing on Jason again.

He steps forward and crouches before the kneeling man. His face has fallen back to pity as he tilts his head. “I don't know why you're upset. This entire mess is your fault.”

Bloody fingers point at the Red Hood without touching him. The drip, drip is closer.

Jason can't peel his eyes away even as he shakes and cries.

The teen sighs. “You're the one hallucinating me. You're the one trying to keep your murder victim alive through self-inflicted torture.”

Jason shakes his head without looking away.

“I'm dead, Jason. I'm not here. I'm not alive. You made sure of that.”

[nzn43]

TW: Implied thought of suicide

Ideology of living or joining

[jungkookslipring]

I Will Never Make You Lonely: CH 1

Summary: When your life is falling apart, your 8 best friends are there to lift you up

TW: mentions of de&th, su!c!de, su!c!de tendencies, su!c!dal ideologies, depress!on, anxiety, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, crying. If this is in any way triggering I’d steer towards more of my happier works. 

If you or someone you love has thought of or acted on suicide, there is help and there is hope 

Call or text 988

Genre: angst, hurt/comfort, non idol AU

PSA: this is no way represents the artists. While their birth names are used in this story, this is in no way a reflection of the artist or artists in real life.

Ch 1

The next day, Saturday, you were in your bedroom getting ready to paint your nails while the other guys were either out and about or in the apartments just doing their own thing. 

“Y/n?! Can I borrow some of your coffee grounds?” Shouted Seungmin from the other side of the apartment. You laughed before you shouted back.

“Check the bag behind mine!” There was silence and shuffling until you heard  “YOU’RE THE BEST!” You giggled to yourself. You got the younger one his own bag of ground coffee because he always borrowed yours. You didn’t mind sharing your coffee but Seungmin loved it so much you decided he needed his own; it was only fair since you used his coffee machine. 

“Would you like me to make you a cup?” Seungmin yelled from the kitchen. 

“Yes, please! Can you add vanilla too?” You ask.

“French or Bean?” He shouts back.

“Bean!!” You answer before going back to your task. You were going through your colors when your phone started ringing. It was Carter’s sister, Peyton. You put down your nail polish and answered the phone.

“Hey, what's up?” you ask putting the phone in between your ear and shoulder so you could proceed to paint your nails.

“Umm…w-what are you doing right now?” Peyton asked. You froze with the brush hovering above your nail bed. She was crying.

“I’m just about to paint my nails, why?” you ask, screwing the nail polish wand back into the tiny glass container. You grabbed the phone and held it firmly pressed to your ear. You heard your friend trying to control her breathing.

“Peyton? What’s going on?” You ask urgently.

“Carter was in a car accident early this morning…her car went off the road and hit a tree,” she choked out. Your heart stopped. There was no way.

“Is she okay?” you asked with every hope in the world that she was okay. There was silence. 

No. 

Please god no. 

There was a ringing in your ear that wouldn’t allow you to process what your friend was saying over the phone. While staring straight ahead you saw the picture frame that held a photo of you and Carter smiling together at the lake. You shook your head.

“I’m so sorry…” Peyton cried out. 

No.

You slowly set your phone on the floor as you stared at the picture. You could hear the faint voice of Peyton on the other line calling your name. You shook your head as you scooted backward until your back hit the bed frame. You press the heel of your hands to your eyes. 

“No No No..no this isn’t…this isn’t real,” you grit out between your teeth. After you moved to Seoul, you were only able to meet your best friend, Carter, once a year for a couple of days before returning to school. Little did you know that the last time you spent time with Carter would be the final time. You remained seated, hugging your legs, and rocking back and forth. Suddenly, you heard two pairs of footsteps coming to a sudden stop outside your door, before entering your room and starting to speak.

“Y/n? What’s wrong?” Chris asked calmly but slightly frantic. He scanned you making sure you weren’t physically hurt. You open your eyes and look up. Standing in front of you were Chris and Seungmin. How does one relay this type of information without completely shattering?

“Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay, yeah?” Chris whispered, squatting to your level. You shook your head again. It wasn’t okay. 

“Carter-” you whispered. 

“Carter’s dead,” you finally say. They audibly gasped, Seungmin immediately squatting down to your level by Chris.

“Oh my god…” Seungmin breathed out. Chris crawled up next to you and gathered you in his arms. 

“Oh, my goodness y/n…I’m so sorry,” he said, arms circling your frame. You barely registered the movements until you were breathing in his scent. Seungmin had a hand on your back, rubbing it in soothing motions. He turned around when he heard your friend calling your name over the phone. He picked it up and held it to his ear.

“Hi…yeah Y/n is still here, Chris has her right now,” Seungmin said gently in English. Peyton asked you to call her back when you could. She hung up and Seungmin put the phone down. When Seungmin turned back to Chris, he was still holding you in his arms. 

“Peyton asked if you could call her back when you get the chance,” he said gently as he rubbed your knee. You nodded as your eyes shook. Their comfort was the one thing keeping you grounded and preventing you from going catatonic. After maybe 5 minutes, you lifted your head from Chris’s shoulder.

“I think, I think I’m going to call Peyton back, check in on her” you whisper. Seungmin rubbed a thumb over your hand. 

“Would you like us to stay?” He asked. Your friends were just so kind. You shook your head, giving them a tight-lined reassuring smile.

“I think I’ll be okay, thank you though.”

Chris squeezed you once more before hesitantly moving to stand up. 

“If you need absolutely anything at all, come get us okay?” He said with so much sincerity in his tone. You made eye contact with them and wordlessly nodded before the two walked out and closed the door. They made their way into the living room and found Minho and Han. The duo smiled at them until they saw the sad looks Chris and Seungmin had painted on their faces. 

“You guys okay?” Minho asked. Chris let out a small sigh and guided the boys further into the living room. They all sat down on the couch and the two listened intently.

“Y/n’s best friend Carter passed away,” Chris said looking at his hands. Minho and Han’s breaths hitched. 

“Oh my gosh…” Han whispered. Minho put a hand on Han’s knee. 

“How?” Minho asked. Seungmin shook his head.

“We don’t know…we didn’t ask,” said Seungmin. They realized it had to have been a freak accident or something; Carter was young. 

“Should we tell the others?” Minho asked.

“Eventually yeah, just so they know what’s going on,” Chris said quietly. After 30 minutes, Changbin, Hyunjin, Felix, and Jeongin finally got home from their classes. Chris quietly called them into the living room. They all quickly took off their shoes and sat down nervously.

“No one’s in trouble, I just have some news,” Chris said sadly. Everyone’s hearts started racing, even the ones who already knew.

“We don’t know how…but Y/n’s best friend Carter died,” Chris said sadly. Everyone’s eyes went huge. 

“Oh no…” Changbin said quietly, shaking his head. He couldn’t even imagine the look on your face when you found out. 

“How is she?” Jeongin asked quietly. Chris gave Jeongin a sad smile and patted his leg. 

“I think she’s in shock,” he whispered, remembering how he and Seungmin found you. They all sat in silence, not knowing what to say until Seungmin spoke up.  “She’s on the phone with Carter’s sister,” he said quietly. They all nodded, and all that could be heard were the cars outside. Back in your room, you picked up your phone and went to your recent phone calls. You clicked on Peyton’s contact and hit the soeaker button.

“Hey,” she croaked out. She’s been crying for a while. 

“Hey,” you whispered.

“How are you doing?” Peyton asked. You shook your head.

“I don’t know….”

There was silence for a while until Peyton spoke up.

“Do you think you would be able to fly down here next month?” she asked. You shrugged while rubbing your temple. You only flew down for the holidays and usually, you had enough saved for those flights only. Tickets weren’t cheap. 

“Yeah I think I can make it,” you say before Peyton lets out a sigh.

“Okay…I can pick you up from the airport if you’d like,” she offered. 

“Sure, yeah that works.”

This was not happening.

“Okay, I’ll keep you posted,” Peyton said thickly as she hung up. You let your arm fall to the side as you stared at the ceiling. You inhaled deeply and let out a long sigh. You decided to get out of bed and get that coffee that was probably lukewarm by now. The guys all whipped their heads around when they heard your door click. You slowly walked out of your room into the hallway, stopping in the entryway when you saw 8 pairs of eyes looking at you with so much concern. The sight of you was just so sad. You were wearing one of Hyunjin’s sweatpants and Chris’s black hoodie, which wasn’t new, but you looked so small and so lost, something they weren’t used to seeing. Your face had lost all of its color,  like you had just seen a ghost. You suddenly felt so vulnerable, scratching your neck.

“I uh *clears throat* thanks for the coffee, Seungmin,” you say, giving him a shaky smile. 

“No problem…” he says just as quietly. Everyone was still unsure how to approach this situation. Do they mention Carter? Do they act like nothing is wrong? Your hands were shaky, still in a state of shock from the phone call you got not even an hour ago. Minho and Changbin both stood up quickly when they watched you almost drop your mug. At this stage, the boys were nervous you were either going to drop the mug on your foot, spill the hot liquid on your skin, or all of the above. That fear came true when you took a shaky sip of your coffee, the hot liquid spilling out from the sides and hitting your wrists. You made a pained noise as you put the mug down. Minho swiftly walked into the kitchen calmly placed hands on your shoulders and led you to the sink, immediately turning on the cold water. 

Everyone knew you were headstrong, so they weren’t used to seeing you like this. Within your friend group, you were the third oldest, and in times when they needed someone to lean on, it came naturally to you to care for them. Only on a couple of occasions have they seen you upset, like during a sad drama or when you’d laugh so hard tears would spring to your eyes, or when COVID happened and so much was happening, but even then you remained strong for them, and right now you looked like you were on the brink of an anxiety attack.

“Come here,” Minho whispered after turning off the faucet. He walked you into the living room where everyone else was and pulled you into a hug. Your arms hung by your side and your breathing became uneven, but you refused to cry, cause once you cried then it was real. 

“You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to love, but what happened?” Minho asked carefully.

“Um…car accident?” you said almost as a question but more in disbelief. You heard someone make a pained noise while you stared at the wall.

“I don’t know how…maybe an animal ran out or maybe she was on her phone, I don’t know….but her car ran off the road…and she hit a tree.” No one knew what to say.

“Y/n…were so sorry,” Hyunjin said sadly. As much as you wanted to stay in someone’s embrace, you needed a distraction, something to take your mind off of things. You lifted your head and took a deep breath.

“I’m gonna try to get ahead on my reading, so I can get further in my research paper,” you said as you slowly pulled away from Minho, putting on your best attempt of a smile. Everyone nodded, not sure if they wanted you to be by yourself, but they respected your wishes and watched you retreat to your room. You flipped back and forth between reading and writing for a few more hours until your eyes hurt from staring at the screen for so long. You didn’t know how you were going to sleep. You tossed and turned in your bed for an hour, the phone call on replay in your mind. Well shit if you can’t sleep might as well study even more, right? You pulled out your laptop, the bright screen irritating your eyes even further as you started typing when all of a sudden there was a knock at your door.

‘Great, I woke one of the kids up’ you thought to yourself. You went to open the door and there stood the literal sun.

“Hey y/n,” he said sweetly. You gave him a small smile. 

“Hey Lixie, what’s up?” you asked.

"Can't sleep...can I stay with you tonight?" he asked playing with his sleeve. You grinned and pulled him into the room. You got under the blankets, Felix following close behind. You saved your work and put your laptop on your nightstand. You pulled the sweet boy into your arms and closed your eyes.

“Y/n?” He asked quietly. You hummed in response.

“Everything’s going to be okay,” he whispered. You ran your fingers through his hair.

“Thanks, Lixie.” He smiled and snuggled even deeper into your side. Felix dozed off in your hold, but you were wide awake. 

At around 7 am, Felix woke up. He sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He stared into your eyes, and by the looks of it, you hadn’t slept a wink. 

“Did you sleep at all?” He asked. You shook your head. 

“My brain wouldn’t let me,” you slightly chuckle. Felix pouted.

“I’m sorry,” he said in his low voice. You gave him a small smile. 

“Thanks for the cuddles Lixie,” you thank Felix as you pat his hand. He smiled and gave you a side hug.

“Anytime,” he said as he squeezed you. 

“Do you want to come to breakfast?” He asked. He figured you probably didn’t have the biggest appetite but he still wanted to ask. You shook your head.

“I’m not hungry, but maybe I’ll come out at some point, I’m gonna keep working on this,” you say, rubbing your eyes and pointing towards your laptop. Felix and patted your shoulder before getting out of bed and leaving your room. In the kitchen, Changbin and Seungmin were cooking. They both turned around when they heard footsteps.

“Morning Lix,” Changbin smiled. Felix gave Changbin the best smile he could, but the older one knew what was going through his head.

“How is she?” he asked quietly. Felix shrugged. 

“She didn’t sleep at all, which I get…I just feel so bad for her,” Felix sighed. They both nodded. 

“I don’t know if she’s still in shock or trying to numb herself but…I mean I know it hasn’t even been 24 hours yet so maybe she is just in shock but *sigh* I don’t know, it’s just hard seeing her that way,” Felix added. Seungmin shook his head.

“I’m sure she was very grateful you stayed with her last night, honey,” Changbin whispered as Felix hid his face further into the older’s neck, Seungmin walking up behind him and scratching his back. If Changbin felt wetness on his skin, he wouldn’t say a word. 

————————————————————————

ahhhhhh nerve wracking! I promise chapter 2 will be more lighthearted. Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list!❤️

taglist: @felixmainacc @felixburneracc @myforevermelody143 @dunno-wut-to-do @itzsana-kiddingmenow

[bijouxcarys]

I didn't have anywhere else to kind of talk about this, and I need to get it out of my system somehow, so I'm just putting this on here. Maybe someone can relate to it?

TW/ self-harm, suicidal ideology, please don't read this if it's going to potentially trigger you.

If you don't think this will trigger you, I still suggest you read on. Anyone around you could be experiencing this right now, and it's a very real thing.

Here's the reality of living as an adult with autism, who wasn't diagnosed until the age of 18.

It fucking sucks. To put it mildly.

Growing up as an undiagnosed autistic child is difficult. Especially if you are beaten down verbally by everybody to the point where you believe that you are, in fact, a bad kid. I'm convinced that's had a hand in why I'm so paranoid about my relationships with people. If I'm doing something to upset or annoy them.

You spend your entire childhood being told that you're the problem, when you're just trying to fucking survive in a world that's hard enough to live in without the added stress of developmental disorders, and you're going to believe for the rest of your life that you're the problem.

That is, unless you're able to go and see a therapist or counsellor.

Which leads me to my next point: we are conditioned to believe that we aren't allowed to ask for help, because we can never take on the advice anyways! 18 years of being told that I'm being dramatic, by my own counsellor as well, definitely dampens your willingness to attend any kind of talk therapy.

You get trauma building up over time from the rejection sensitivity, the amount of friend groups you plow through, the anxiety and depression that come as a result of how your brain is wired. It's not even that you have depression or anxiety; a lot of the time, they are symptoms of our autism. But they don't care. They'll feed us antidepressants.

I've been on antidepressant medication for a long time now. I'd argue about 6 years. I'm 22 now, on 200mg of sertraline daily. Last year I tried to come off my medication. Big mistake. Realised I'm kind of fucked without it.

Back in 2019, I used to take my antidepressant in liquid form because I had a sensitivity to swallowing pills. One day, my inability to read social cues and communicate effectively with my friends led me to drink the whole bottle of Fluoxetine.

When you're undiagnosed with autism and you have to go through regular life every day, it's damaging. So dangerous to the mental health of the child. The more we are put in situations that can overstimulate us, and overwhelm us, the more it takes from your ability to cope with life. You get beaten down, and beaten down, and beaten down, until you're an emotionless entity wandering the Earth with no solid ambitions or aspirations. You've spent your entire life in defense mode, mirroring everyone's behaviour and personalities so that you feel the tiniest bit "normal" out of pure survival, that you lose a sense of who you are as a person. You feel stripped of your personality. You don't know what you're doing.

Then you get thrust into the real world. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I don't know how to survive in a world that isn't made for me. I don't know how to tell people I'm autistic, because a) they very rarely understand what I mean by that, and what it entails, and b) I don't even know enough about my autism.

Why? Because I wasn't diagnosed until just before I turned 18 - got discharged from CAMHS (Child and Adolescence Mental Health Service) once I turned 18, with no referral to a counsellor that could help me, and no information on what the fuck I should do next.

I've stayed in education because it's the only thing I know how to survive. I went to college, university, and now I'm doing a master's degree online. And I still don't really know what my goal is in life.

I have no friends, and I flip-flop between being upset about it and being absolutely fine with it. I don't leave the house, I don't work, I even struggle to do the most basic of daily tasks.

I'm constantly fantasising about a life I could have, but ultimately realise I can't have.

My brain is fucked up, and I am traumatised by the life I've had to live and survive in. And now I'm stuck in survival mode.

And I don't know how to live, instead of simply exist.

That's where the suicidal ideology comes in. I'm constantly thinking about how much easier everything would be if I did just off myself. But the thing is, I'm not actively planning it, but the thought brings me great comfort. There's always a way out. And I can't expect that I'll leave this world any other way.

Now... when an autistic person, or any person, tells you that they don't want to die, but thinking about killing themselves brings them a sense of comfort and contentment... there's something wrong there.

There's nothing I want more than to start living. But when it takes 110% of my energy to do the bare minimum... living becomes synonymous with existing.

Not being taught how to deal with the meltdowns, the overstimulation, the understimulation, the food sensitivities, the way the world functions... has fucked me up, for myself, and for everyone else around me.

And when given the choice between spending the rest of my life putting all my energy into living the way I do now, and killing myself and saving myself from the pain, the latter sounds far more enticing.

I don't want to die. But to live is too much of an enigma to want anything other than the silence.

[outlawssweetheart]

Spare the Erron Black headcanons. 🫴

THANK YOU! 🤗

Warning, this is dark from the get-go because Erron's family are scum and he is not a happy man. (TW for: Mentions of child abuse, implied CSA, alcoholism, and suicidal ideology.)

My headcanons are thought of with MK11 retconned Erron in mind; however, it isn't really relevant outside of his hometown (which didn't exist until the 1920s). So really, you can think of this with either backstory you'd like.

His birth name is not Erron Black; he changed his name when he grew up and left Wickett. He wanted to reinvent himself.

Erron's father left either when he was a baby or before he was born. (Though, really, I'm kind of stumped because he said he didn't know his father, then found and killed him, and implied that his father is/was worse than Rain's father. Like... how? For leaving him with his mother? Or maybe it was just Erron's narcissism causing him to feel like his problem is always worse than anyone else's?? Idk, and I doubt the MK11 writers do either! 🙃)

Erron has an older sister, his only good family member. She's 3-5 years older than him.

The rest of his family were awful. His mom was physically and verbally abusive, the other adults were pretty much the same, and his cousins picked on him for being the "scrawny" one.

His uncle (mom's brother) was the worst kind of abusive. "Funny ain't the word for it" with the utmost disdain in his voice, my mind naturally goes to the worst scenario. Some redneck stabbed and killed the guy in a bar fight when Erron was a teenager, and he has been bitter since then that he was robbed of getting to kill his uncle himself.

His sister feels guilt for not protecting him from their mother or uncle, even though they were both just children. She didn't even know the SA was happening until he told her when they were older. (This is more of a headcanon for her, but it's in my mind, so I must mention it.)

He left home and changed his name in his late teens.

Erron is a bit of an alcoholic. No surprise, considering his life.

Subconsciously, Erron wants to die, but he thinks he wants to live. That's why he's so reckless, other than his thrill-seeking.

Erron has a weird relationship with morality. Part of him has very loose morals, part of him is an actual sadist, and part of him has a strange sense of moral superiority. (He freed Cassie and Jacqui from the BD for reasons unknown, he says Sindel seems "a little too proud" when bragging that she murdered Jerrod.)

He hates caring about others. And if he begins to care, he pushes them away. Examples are: Cheating on Nitara with Skaret, and dumping Skarlet "because he got bored." (Only partly true, as Erron does get bored easily.)

He's a smoker, but he's not addicted to them.

Okay, that's all I got that aren't Skarron headcanons. (I think.) I hope you enjoy this, and apologize for the long wait! 🫶🏽

Send me a character

[girl-named-matty]

House of Gaunt pt.2

This is basically just some lore dumping about Ominis family in my lore. I have so much its kinda ridiculous at this point but I feel the massive need to share it so here we go. This is just barely a fraction of it but it'd take me forever to explain it all.

Also just a disclaimer that my version of the Gaunts is decently different then the one you read about in the Harry Potter universe. the HL universe itself doesn't exactly align 100% with what is canon in the HP universe anyway so who cares LOL. Tw: We all already know the Gaunts are violence af but either way, mentions of violence, cruelty, suicide, etc... Nothing graphic at all however I just felt the need to mention that just in case.

Starting off with the old man. We have Cyrus Gaunt, the head of the family.

(obviously he looks older than he does here-- since he's old af but I'm just working with what I got lol) Cyrus is the father of the five children + the head of the Gaunt family. He's the oldest out of all of his own siblings, hence why he ended up as the head. To put it frankly, he's a psychopath and crazy. On top of all the crimes the Gaunt family commits against Muggles, Squibs, and other Witches/Wizards who don't share his ideologies, he also runs an underground smuggling organization alongside his brothers and two of his sons. That alone has racked up his crime record.

His marriage to his wife, Belladonna was 100% arranged but he found some sort of love in her eventually. Definitely not your stereotypical loving husband and wife. However she gave him children and is a pureblood supremacist so that was really all he was asking for.

In the simplest way possible, he is a cruel man who doesn't care if he harms others. Or even if he himself gets harmed in the process as long as he has fun doing it. His son, Marvolo, was actually the one to give him the massive scar. He and Marvolo had always had a rocky relationship ever since his sons birth and when Marvolo was fourteen, he had really pissed his father off.

Cyrus threatened to throw Marvolo out if he couldn't prove he was worth something. He challenged him to a duel and said if his son could even get one hit on him--he could stay. Marvolo, not really caring what happened, just wanted to take the opportunity to fight his father. One thing led to another and Cyrus ended up with that massive scar on his face. (smooth move bro).

So yeah he's miserable and a total pain but gotta give it to him for being so persistently annoying.

Moving onto the mama of the family: Belladonna Gaunt.

Belladonna Gaunt is the unfortunate woman to have married that stick in the mud up there. She holds strong pureblood ideologies however she's much less cruel than her husband. However that "less cruel" part really only applies to her family or close friends. She loves her children and that's pretty much it. Of course there is some kind of love between her and her husband but it feels more "professionally forced" if you know what I mean.

So needless to say she was quite upset anytime Cyrus did anything rash against their children since she didn't agree with it. However, that doesn't exempt her from the Gaunts regular hobbies of torturing muggles in their own living room. She hardly actively participated but she often watched and found enjoyment in it.

But things like the night Ominis' was crucio'ed for the first time, she left in tears before anything happened--clearly upset about her husbands choice to allow his older brothers to do that to him.

Despite this, her beliefs are still deep rooted in pureblood supremacy and she does believe in violence against others she doesn't see as equals to her. Sooo she definitely does have her flaws.

Onto the oldest: Aurelius Gaunt.

Ever heard of parents picking favorites? Well yeah, he is the perfect example of being the favored child. His name, Aurelius, can be translated to "The golden one" (lol the golden child) which pretty much speaks for itself. However, that's not it. His middle name is Avyaan/Avyan (however you prefer to spell it) which can literally be translated to "he who has no imperfections" so yeah.. you guys can pretty much guess how they feel about their son based on that.

In that time period it was very desired to have a son, specifically a firstborn who was a son. Someone who could carry on the family name and legacy and so the Gaunts got exactly what they wanted when their firstborn was a boy. Aurelius grew up as the golden child, basically being the perfect son his parents wanted him to be. Cruel, willing to do anything for them (even if it was illegal) and much, much more.

Aurelius' approach to acts of cruelty tend to be much different than how most of his family approaches it. He tends to analyze things before going straight into it. But sometimes he just doesn't care, it really depends on what he's feeling like. Aurelius helps his father run the underground smuggling organization and is his fathers successor to the Gaunt family name and fortune.

He's always had a bit of a rivalry with his younger brother, Marvolo, and that sprouted feelings of hate on both sides but he's more tolerant of Marvolo than Marvolo is of him. Aurelius married a pureblood girl from France and they have two children.

However following the events of Matty Ambrose's 7th year at Hogwarts while Aurelius was roped up in Leona Oswald's crimes, he was eventually put in Azkaban for his crimes , which was quite shocking seeming how often the Gaunts could weasel their way out of punishment for their actions. Although that was mostly due to the fact that Marvolo was persecuting him himself.

However years later, Aurelius ended up being released on a deal that he would no longer participate in acts of crime and would have no association with his family outside of his wife and his children. But he was eventually allowed to attend the funeral of his mother, father, and sister but nothing else other than that. And because of that deal, everything he would've gotten from his family instead went to Marvolo (which was the reason why Marvolo even attempted to put his brother in prison in the first place, even though he himself was arguably worse). Aurelius lived the rest of his life in rural area in France with his wife.

Next in line is the crazy one we all already know: Marvolo Gaunt.

Now you might be looking at him and be wondering: Why isn't he short, ugly, and look like a monkey??

As I mentioned earlier, this universe does differ from the HP universe. But don't worry, he gets what's coming to him and later on in life he gets cursed and that's when he becomes ugly and starts looking like a monkey as described in the books I promise LOL.

But now that we've got that out of the way, let's start talking about this git. Just as firstborn sons were desired so they could carry on the family name and legacy, second born sons were desired too... as backups.

Yup, that's basically why he exists to his parents. And they never even tried to hide that from him. Belladonna and Cyrus hoped to have a second son just in case something ever happened to Aurelius--and they did end up having a second son but since nothing ever happened to Aurelius till much later, they severely neglected Marvolo throughout his life. Marvolo was born crazy and violent, that just a fact. However his childhood did have an impact on him which led to him being even more inclined to commit crimes and do horrible acts.

He fought constantly with his siblings, his parents, and basically anybody around him. He misbehaved and was punished severely because of it and he got in trouble with the Ministry several times. Each and every time his father would have to pull some stupid strings to get him out of that situation. Marvolo saw the way they treated Aurelius and was massively jealous of his older brother, so he tried to get his parents to treat him the same way.

He had a better relationship with his mother than he did his father as at times Belladonna did show that she cared about him. But Cyrus put Marvolo in enough dangerous situations carelessly to make known that he didn't care that much at all.

But if there was one thing that he knew his parents liked, it was violence. So he was going to upstage his brother in any way possible to "make his parents proud". This led to him being driven to mass violence and deeper and deeper into madness. Eventually driving him to the point where he killed and tortured innocent people for his own fun and enjoyment. His parents did end up liking him a bit more for that, knowing that if there was anyone they didn't like and needed gone, that Marvolo would take care of it in a heartbeat (as long as there was something in it for him.)

To gain revenge on his older brother, he ended up black mailing Matty in her 7th year at Hogwarts in order to get her to gather information about Aurelius' hand in Leona's crime organization in order to put Aurelius away for good. Of course, this wasn't exactly easy because Matty was like "tf?? no??" but eventually he was able to force her into helping him after the Aranshire incident (ifykyk.)

Eventually this plan worked and Marvolo ended up with all of Aurelius' inheritance and would later on become the head of the family after Cyrus' death.

Later in his life, Marvolo was forced to marry a pureblood girl he didn't care much for. He had two children, Morfin and Merope (we all know them) but didn't care much after his wife died. It did send him spiraling a bit but not because he was sad but because that meant he had to deal with the children alone.

His sister-in-law was extremely angry due to his carelessness regarding his wife and her sisters death. So she was the one that ended up cursing him, leading him to look like how he's described in the books. (deserved lolol)

Moving onto the middle child and first daughter: Selene Gaunt.

Out of all the Gaunts besides Ominis, Selene is one of the more moral ones. Tbh she's kinda a girlboss and I love her for that. Selene is the oldest and first daughter in the Gaunt family, so naturally she was doted on a little bit more than her other siblings growing up. She is pretty much along the lines of the stereotypical oldest daughter. She takes care of her siblings, makes sure things runs smoothly, but finds her siblings extremely annoying LOL.

She does have favorites and it's Ominis, simply because she doesn't find him as annoying. Her ideologies aren't nearly as deep rooted as her family but she kept that a secret. Truly, she didn't care that much about pureblood supremacy and didn't exactly agree with the torture of innocent people. Out of all of them (except Ominis), she has the cleanest record.

However she fell in line just to please her family. She did what she was told and that's how she stayed out of trouble. She dislikes Marvolo and Lyssa the most since she thinks they're annoying. Especially since Lyssa basically became a "mini-Marvolo". Now THAT annoyed her.

She'll be the first to tell them to shut up and start acting civilized and is definitely the more sensible one. Like Ominis, she was quite close to her late Aunt Noctua, which is the reason why she is the way she is. But she keeps the fact that she's not as dedicated to her families ideologies as they are a secret.

Per request of her family, she married a pureblood man, settled down and had children. Unfortunately her death came rather early in life but she was remembered well by her brother Ominis. She was the only family member he really ever stayed in contact with after leaving.

(and we all know who Ominis' is so we're just going to skip down to Lyssa lol)

This is Lyssa Gaunt, she is the youngest out of the family and the craziest outside of Marvolo. Lyssa, like Marvolo, was born with mental issues that effected her life from her first breath. And growing up it never got any better. When she was first born, her parents couldn't think of a name for her. They did take note of how quickly she'd get so angry even at a very young age, so like the horrible parents they are they decided to name her after the Greek Goddess Lyssa, who represented rage and fury (and rabies in animals, if you wanna go that far lol.) So the name unfortunately fit.

Lyssa grew up doing cruel things from the get-go, whether it was torturing small animals or pulling harmful pranks to her nannies and the help around the house. But since her parents were older and busier by the time she was born, she was hardly punished for any of this.

Marvolo had tried to get Selene and Ominis to follow in his footsteps of madness however he knew that wasn't going to work out. So he turned his attention to his youngest sister. He enabled and encouraged every bad thing she did, which caused him to quickly become her favorite sibling. They were really the only two who ever got along outside of Ominis and Selene.

Lyssa was also very naturally talented at legilimency from a very young age as well. (It's a trait I HC most of the Gaunts have, however think of her like Queenie Goldstein from Fantastic Beasts). This made it so she could easily see inside people's heads, invading their privacy and finding out personal information about them. She was later used to find out information about the Aranshire incident and anything Matty had to do with it (which enabled Marvolo to use that information to blackmail her.)

Lyssa's only friends at school were the rats she found scurrying around. She'd use the unforgivable imperio to make them do anything she wanted.

Unfortunately for her, Lyssa's life ended much sooner than the others and she was never quite sure if she ever experienced true happiness. She really only felt exhilaration and "glee" from cruelty but never true happiness. In quick attempts to get their last child married off, Cyrus and Belladonna forced Lyssa into an unhealthy marriage.

However, unlike her siblings who complied. Lyssa refused and it did not go well for her, unfortunately. Lyssa took her own life within the first couple of months of the marriage, believing it was the only way to escape. She was only nineteen when this happened.

Her death only threw the Gaunts down a more slippery slope as it was the beginning to their massive downfall that would eventually render the Gaunts irrelevant, powerless, poor, and reduced to nothing but shameful criminals.

Well if you read through all of that--dang, im proud of you LOL. It's pretty grim however that's exactly how the Gaunts are so I'd say unfortunately it's pretty accurate. But thank you for reading anyway and I appreciate it! ❤️