#tw: negative ♡

[sugarcandydoll]

is it just me or are family vacays overwhelming af ♡😣💕

[sunsdrop]

I've debated putting this out there but ... it's been going on for awhile and eek.

I don't want to be brought into any sort of drama. More than one person has made me feel I have to avoid certain people etc. And like, I don't think that's really fair .... especially because those who ask these sorts of things of me. DON'T talk to me afterwards .... I'm not in any friend groups. I'm not included in things. Not in any discord servers ....

--- then to appease people ... I distance myself from everyone .... which leaves me in silence. Those who ask me not to follow certain people ....as I said, suddenly poof.... don't talk to me. And then of course I'm not talking to who I should avoid ....even if I really want to. I'm only doing it for the other persons sake....

My discord is dead. Only one dear friend talks to me regularly there.

I'm so scared of being put on some evil, bad, person list.... it's exhausting.

I'm already in a painful and saddening situation ooc..... just, let me enjoy this hobby in peace.

[dthroned-sameurl]

…

[candiedstrwb]

my    mood    has    taken    a    slight    dip    so    i’ll    be    hiding    over    on    my    musing    blog    and    my    starters    will    be    posted    tomorrow    ,    ily    guys    <3

[fatesurvived]

I might step away from tumblr for a little bit, I know I only just got back on here but I’m struggling mentally with not feeling like I’m enough in every aspect of my life (online and in real life). I apologize and understand if you wish to unfollow, there will be no hurt feelings over it.

[yasashiiku]

ramble under the cut, abt my activity, my Shou portrayal, some other stuff that i just wanna get off my chest, honestly don't know what this is but yeah shoo shoo if you don't want negativity cuz it's there. tw for mention of irl wars, no details

i feel like??? im making people uncomfortable in a way??? I don't know how or from where exactly this feeling came to be & most likely it just me overthinking over faint and small matters but like. i still feel that way and i want to acknowledge it. i know im a multi & all I've been doing is being Shou brained with bits of Kyojuro here & there and it makes me feel weird & guilty, i love my other muses and i have so many ideas for them but i barely have brains for anything that gives me instant serotonin with how life's been going, not many of you know but a war is ongoing where I live, we are safe, we are housing refugees, and then there is the stress the comes with everything, I don't want to add drastic details, I just hope it makes my state of mind and my slowness to reply to things understandable.

Aside from that, I worry over the way my portrayal of Shou is perceived, I have no idea if it's noticeable from outsider pov but I am going for darker themes, he's a teenager going through your typical "tragic backstory", with an environment full of questionable adults & endangering situations on a daily basis, it's going to be anguish & genuinely disturbing at times & tagged properly, and I want to explore it just like that cuz sometime people face unspeakable things, and they make it out alive and they learn to heal & that brings peace to me, Shou (at least in his main verse) isn't just a good kid, he is genuinely violent and cruel and has seen so much shit it's practically ruining him, he's the boy behind an antagonistic that never came to be, but he is still a boy with enough innocence to love his family & care for his pets and try to be kind, I'm trying to balance both sides of this boy. Im saying all that because such darker themes are more common within blogs with adult muses & not the younger ones like what I'm doing here, and I want it to be clear that if you're not comfortable abt the way my portrayal is- please don't feel compelled to write with me just cuz he's my main focus or in consideration of my feelings.

I've been considering moving Shou to his own blog again & making it even more private, to feel enough investment in him cuz i have so much more in store for him, to get rid of the guilt of not writing other muses and feeling like im making some mutuals stick around for nothing, I think I just want everyone to be honest, and not feel like they HAVE to stick around, cuz I don't want to tie anyone with things that may disturb them or even just things they aren't interested in. I'd be the happiest if both sides are writing things they're genuinely happy to write! because that's the point we're all here for right???

[qilyns-a]

@yanwangye said ... i know your heart my dear, i know when it falters. / open.

it is a desolate heart & a pair of weary eyes that watch as the night rolls in over liyue harbor – from where ganyu is perched, clutching the stone railing of the yiyan temple courtyard , the lights all appear as little stars dotting the rocky landscapes and myriad streets. long ago, this place was nothing more than moon – lit coastal crags and cliffside shrubbery, the silence gently stirred by the hushed conversations of companions scampering through the wilderness. this place ... is the stuff of dreams ; an enduring vision created in the image of its sovereign – and her own soul inextricably bound to the world of humans. in times past, she might speak the terms of their contract quietly to the dark and imagine that he could hear her, and see the bellowing depth of her devotion. her hands quiver under the cold light of the moon. duty has never felt so far out of her grasp.

ganyu thinks she's the last one left to haunt the temple after the rite is concluded, until the sound of approaching footsteps alerts her to the presence of another – whose words unexpectedly causes her heart to practically jump out of her chest. painfully quick to stir at the lightest touch of familiarity. but why? the consultant to the funeral parlor has barely exchanged two sentences with her since their initial encounter, and seemed particularly distant mere hours ago when the ceremony was underway. when she turns to face him and their eyes meet – impossibly warm hues of cor lapis opposite her own cool gaze – it's a different sensation altogether. she used to think she would know him anywhere, but this cruel trick of the light must mean that rex lapis has slipped further from the reaches of her memory than she ever thought possible, now haunting her by way of stay acts of kindness from strangers.

" why makes you say that? " her tone is purposefully mellowed as she speaks, idle to acknowledge any unwarranted and urgent sense of remembrance. they must be mistaken somehow, both of them. " you're not .. ? "

[astrummorte-m]

aryin and cayde don't fucking. deserve that. lol. lmao.

[munniexinsomnia]

---------

// Sometimes I'm wondering if people are just too nice to tell me to f*ck off or when they lose interest in writing with me...

It makes everything just worse~

So please, rather be straightforward with it..

Than just ignore me and my muses~

Even if you're just busy or something, please let me know, I'll gladly wait but I just wanna know what is going on. ♡

[fallen-regentarc]

..

[sugarcandydoll]

helpp my mum's modesty standards are through the roof recently she won't even let me wear a mini dress w tights n a cardigan m so mad ♡(>_<)

[aquariusvibes-arch]

i am in basically a terrible mood - bc I'm feeling pretty used rn. and it's leaving me rlly upset. this doesn't have to do with anyone on tumblr. I'm just having a really rough time irl. I'm sorry it's effecting my availability.

[insanislupus-moved]

I hate drama, it's why i love the soft block and hard block button so much. So, I'm going to say this and leave at this.

I do not send anon hate, nor have i EVER. Have I dropped people lately? Absolutory, and I explained why in messages when asked on both occasions. I'm nearly thirty fucking years old. I'm too old for this bullshit drama and he said she said.

So instead of messaging my god damn friends accusing me of sending hate, how keep my goddamn name out of your mouth. I know I clearly live rent-free in your heads, but I WANT TO LEAVE DRAMA. I want to write in fucking peace.

I LIKE TO KEEP MY MENTAL HEALTH INTACT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. SO WHY WOULD I BOTHER TO SEND HATE AFTER I ALREADY SAID MY PEACE.

Even if I don't like someone I have no reason to try and hurt them??

[silvrmoon]

i am having the worst day, work's being a b*tch, i'm exhausted and i have a bday party tonight so i'll be around to do replies tomorrow i think ♥

[w1redsmile]

.

[foughtbelief]

STIGMA.

tldr: lex's mental state as a half nobody is... complicated, but is easily summed up to "he's suicidal, but won't make any plans".

so! that out of the way, let me explain what i mean by that.

lex adores life. he adores the way that life works "in mysterious ways", and all that comes with the beauty and terror and hope and despair of living in this strange life of his and everyone else's. he adores living, and laughing, and loving the worlds that hate him merely for existing.

yes. in his canon, nobodies are CANONICALLY stigmatized / demonized.

they are mocked and ridiculed, in only the luckiest and "beloved" of situations. most known nobodies, though, are treated as "lesser". as "Other". they're treated as data, as less than nothing, as barely ink on a page. they're not respected or treated well, and usually when someone hides that they're a nobody, only to be found out later by someone, they... their life gets far worse than if they would have just mentioned it.

even the best of people, with no stigma against any race, will hesitate around a nobody, because of how badly they are perceived. as such, lex carries those stigmas within himself.

he believes he's a monster. he believes he's capable only of pain and misery, hurting those he loves without remorse and without necessity. he believes that he deserves to be alone, and sometimes that translates in his head to he's better off dead.

but, much like someone who has faced death and came back swinging, WHICH HE HAS, lex is not someone who will throw away what good things he has simply because the world tells him he doesn't deserve what he has, and deserves death (as a young adult/late teenager) for simply not being fully human. he won't throw away his life, no, not in the way that most people would assume, but he is incredibly reckless with the life he lives.

he's careless and reckless and foolish. he makes dumb decisions so that he can reassure himself that someone he cares about cares about him too. in a server he's in for roleplay, he's managed to get past that - somewhat - with the help of a couple of other nobodies / reformed somebodies, such as a post-kh3 demyx and vivian highwind from the KH:AT game. but ultimately speaking, lex fucking hates himself, but loves life more than he hates himself. he also loves his best friend, and he loves what he does for his friend and his friend's family, and he loves to see his friend smile, and he loves his new dreameater. he loves, oh god does he love.

but the world he loves does not love him.

the world he loves so much hates him in return.

so much so that he blames himself for existing, for hurting them by breathing, for being somewhere he should be because others are uncomfortable. he is sorry, he is so so SORRY, he truly must be horrible if he cannot fix it - if he cannot help it - if it is in his nature to harm. he's so sorry, and he doesn't even know why anymore.