#tw passive sui ideation

[quillandink333]

꓄ꋪꍏꌚꀍꎇꀤꋪꏂ

As the red shadows retreated and the lights in the basement flickered back on, Yoongi had taken the shell-shocked Emily into his arms, holding her tight and letting his shoulder shield her eyes. “That’s my girl,” he praised, his tone low and loving and utterly nonchalant. “I’m so proud of you.”

After a long, heavy moment of silent reflection, she mumbled, “For what?”

“What else, dummy? For seeing this through with me. For getting rid of our miserable fucking excuses for parents.” He looked down at her with nothing but an indecipherable grin before pressing a silent kiss to the crown of her head. “You did great.”

Her first instinct was to feel flattered, to accept his sweet nothings without question, but then something about what he’d just said clashed in her head with something else she remembered him saying seven years ago on a night just like this one, in the aftermath of her very first ritual. “But…I didn’t do anything, right? I mean, technically it was the demon who…”

His smile was only accompanied by a warm chuckle as he played with strands of her hair. “Yes, you’re right, I’m sorry,” he dismissively said, and to her guilty conscience it almost sounded like sarcasm. “You’ve done nothing wrong at all, have you? My innocent little butterfly.”

Word Count: 2.1k

And yet, there was something the demon had whispered to her during the rite that she couldn’t get out from under her skin. Something about ‘her volitionless puppet over there’ and how she would no doubt go crying to him ‘like a snivelling hypocrite’ after it was all said and done. The sickening sigil he bore on the back of his neck… She was the only human alive who knew about it; he couldn’t see it even when she tried to show him. Wondering in vain about what it could possibly represent had kept her awake at night for the past seven years—it got so bad at one point that she’d started to wonder if it was all just a delusion—but now her main theory had finally been confirmed thanks to the passing jab from her little friend on the other side.

Her next absence seizure was the only thing saving her from spending the rest of her life knowing she’d cursed her brother to be her scapegoat, acting not by free will but by her own deepest, darkest, most shunned desires so that she would never have to dirty her own hands.

“Alright, let’s get these good-for-nothing sacks of flesh filleted and up to the kitchen, yeah?” he said, squeezing her shoulder once before setting to work untying the bleeding bodies from the support post in the middle of the summoning circle.

“We’re eating them?” she inferred while reluctantly following his lead.

“Aren’t we?”

As she yanked their mom free of her candy-coloured restraints, she felt something. It was the slow, shallow expanding and collapsing of her lungs. She and their dad were still breathing.

Emily froze. This changed everything—everything she thought she had done and everything she feared she’d grown capable of. It might’ve relieved some of the weight of her own sins, but it also meant that the sins of her beloved weighed all the heavier. Every ritual she’d held, every sacrifice she’d made, he’d always been the one to dispatch what remained after the souls had been taken.

“Uh… Yeah…”

Thankfully her Oppa didn’t seem to give himself the chance to realise what she just had, wasting no time getting the butchering process underway. Snuffing out the flames of their parents’ lives once and for all.

He hid it well, but in reality Yoongi indeed had noticed the vital signs of life as well before taking his knife to them. He chose not to bring it up, however, as it seemed both unnecessary and counterproductive at this point. Over the past week, he’d watched her make so much progress in her ability to ‘kill’ without remorse through these sacrificial rituals. The main reason he encouraged her to undergo this ‘exposure therapy,’ as he called it, was because he was sure it would help her move on from her guilt of seven years ago. Even so, her grief aside, he couldn’t deny how proud of her he was. With each time she ‘took a life’ he saw more and more of himself shining through in her. If she ever found out she hadn’t actually killed anyone and that the one responsible for the deaths had been him all along, all that progress would be lost and there was no telling how her esteem for him would shift.

To his delight, as he dismembered, disembowelled, and decapitated the soulless creatures, she for once didn’t turn away. She watched quietly the entire time, almost looking like she wanted to offer her help but was holding herself back for some reason. He considered pressing her about it, but decided against it. He was happy enough just to see she could stomach the sight of it all.

“I’ll…go find some trash bags or something to carry them in,” she announced, not waiting for a reply before running upstairs.

Dinner went just about as smoothly as the sacrifice had. There was a home-grown vegetable garden in the backyard, which he used along with some side dishes they found in the fridge to make lettuce wraps. It was a feast fit for royalty, especially compared to their diet consisting of nothing but salt water that they’d been not sustaining off of for the past three months of isolation.

At least the kimchi covered up the smell of blood and gore for the most part.

“So…hypothetically, if we ended up having to go off the census completely after this,” she posed, “could you see us having a little veggie garden like the one here? Like, if we had to live out in the woods away from any supermarkets.”

“Mmh,” he hummed in agreement around a mouthful of their dad’s arm with a side of pickled radish. “I can picture that. We could grow all our own produce and hunt all our own, uh, meat. I can’t imagine growing your own rice could be all that hard, right?”

“Yeah…” Her tone dropped somewhat after his addition, the change too subtle for anyone but him to pick up on.

“Hey, don’t worry.” He let his own tone shift to something a little softer as he gave her a light nudge in the shoulder. “I doubt it’ll actually come to that. We have our money; all we need now are some fake IDs and we’ll be able to live out the rest of our lives as a normal couple.”

She stayed quiet for a few seconds even after his attempt to reassure her, not that her response offended him like it would have their parents on the rare occasion they’d ever felt a need to pacify her. “‘Normal…’” she echoed with an unsmiling scoff. “Yeah, okay.”

“Baby, you trust me, don’t you? Look at me,” he pressed gently and held her by the chin.

Even though the demon’s cruel revelation from earlier was as good as erased from her memory, when her eyes met his, she was still haunted by the gut feeling that something was wrong. Then again, she couldn’t recall a time in her life when that feeling hadn’t followed her everywhere she went.

“Yeah,” she sighed. “I trust you, Oppa.”

Once they’d packed away as much delicious nutrients as they could, Yoongi resumed the process of dealing with the remains while Emily watched timidly from the sidelines. “Uhm… Shouldn’t we be more careful not to make such a mess?” she asked. From the basement to the kitchen, there ran a copious trail of bloody puddles on the floor. “Since that’s how we did it in the apartment—I dunno.”

Her brother kept his gaze lowered. “Don’t worry about that; we won’t be leaving any traces behind this time.” He then clued her in by pulling his cigarette lighter from his pocket and holding it up. She gasped, but gave no reply other than that. “Hey, think you could go look for some propane tanks or something while I take care of this?”

“What?!” Her eyes widened, but she reminded herself how much she trusted him and relaxed to the best of her ability. “But how can we… H-How would that work? I mean, we’d have to light it from pretty close up, right?”

“Eh, we’ll figure it out as we go,” he shrugged. “If they’re too heavy for you, just leave them and tell me where you found them.”

“Okay…” The more she thought about it, she supposed she wouldn’t mind if they burned or suffocated to death at this point as long as they died together. “But what if we get caught inside and we can’t escape, and then someone around here calls the fire department and gets us out alive? They’re gonna know what happened, they’re gonna know what we’ve done… And then we’ll be—”

“Lily. It’s gonna be okay,” he interjected, stroking her cheek and tucking her hair back with a crimson-covered hand. She leaned into his touch. “I promise. Just relax and let Oppa take care of everything, okay? You don’t have to take on anything you can’t handle. Just…try not to overthink.” Like he was one to talk. “Why don’t we get cleaned up and changed now? The fire should do the rest of the work for us, and we can talk about whatever you want while we take our shower.”

Finally, for the first time since yesterday, a smile graced her features. “That sounds nice.”

As an experienced arsonist, he’d worked with propane once or twice before, but the circumstances were different now. Not only were supplies limited, but he had his little sister with him and was thus putting her at risk. Thankfully they both came out of it unscathed. She was resourceful enough to come up with an idea in the shower that would spare them. First he would put one gas tank in the basement and another in the living room, covering his face with a rag while he unsealed the nozzles. Then he would use whatever gunpowder was left in the warden’s pistol to create a fuse running from the porch to the living room.

Having to resist every nerve in her body telling her to run back and stay close to him, in the end, Emily complied with his wish for her to keep out of harm’s way and she waited in the lot where their stolen car was parked. She waited and waited. It seemed never-ending. What if he didn’t make it out? What would she do if she couldn’t follow him? But the moment she spotted smoke rising in the direction from which she had fled, the car door opened behind her and Yoongi climbed into the driver’s seat, making her jump.

“Aww, did I startle you?” he chuckled and placed a quick kiss on the bridge of her precious hooked nose. “Sorry to keep you waiting. You alright?”

“Yeah. Well, I am now,” she stammered, despite her heart still racing beyond reason. “I think…”

“That’s good.” He kissed her once more on the lips for good measure, letting it linger for a moment in the hopes of calming her down. This seemed to work; she gave a deep sigh and leaned into it, her shaky hands coming to rest on his lap until he broke away. “Let’s get out of here.”

The drive, aside from having no end in sight, felt strangely ordinary, like they were going on a regular road trip together and nothing more. Yoongi kept a clear head and a calm disposition as he navigated the deserted highways. It would have worried her if she weren’t aware of his impeccable ability to mask his own inner turmoil.

“Did you make sure our death certificates got destroyed?”

“Yes, and the neighbour’s letter saying that losing us was ‘a blessing in disguise.’” He rolled his eyes.

“And their faces?” she fretted. “What about their fingerprints? Wait, did you leave any of yours anywhere?”

“I was plenty thorough, sis, I promise,” he told her dismissively. “No one will be able to link this back to us, assuming they even bother to do an investigation. The world already thinks we’re dead after that god-forsaken operation they sold us into got burned to high hell.”

“Okay…” She couldn’t fathom that he could be so free of doubt in a situation like this. He didn’t use to be so sure of himself. It was probably for the best, though, considering how riddled with insecurity she tended to be. His self-assurance (or at least his facade of such) was the perfect counterbalance to her self-doubt—one of the infinite reasons she could never afford to be parted from him.

[commonzinnia]

death isnt enough. i need to never have existed

[honeypleasejustkillme]

date idea: take me to the closest lake and drown me

[curse-this-silent-voice]

Doing school work while being passively suicidal is so weird. It's all like

"Why am I doing this shit when I'm probably going to be gone by 30... oh wait, I might not be, so might as well do it"

"God, I can't figure out how to make this sentence make sense. Gotta take a break because this is making me wanna die even more rn"

"If I just... keeled over right now, I wouldn't have to go in there and write. Omg please"

"Not gonna lie, I'm only doing this for my therapist, my parents and my teacher"

*minor inconvenience like laptop not starting* "oh, is this a sign to give up and end it all??"

[cheeeeek7]

i think the worst thing about having a mental illness is being poor at the same time. like you know something isn't right but you have no opportunity to change it so you js live... and suffer... and want to kys...

[syn-ch]

i'm so ready to fucking d1e

[danielsarmand]

me pmsing, knowing full well pms kicks my ass every single month and makes each one of my mental illnesses 10 times worse: damn has existence ever looked so bleak. what am i still doing here

[weirdo-from-bonesborough]

I wonder what drove Cassandra “death wish” Cain to keep herself alive for the missing ten years she was homeless?

[dozyrogue]

Hey I'm an old tubbling (dsmp days) that hasn't been really keeping up with the qsmp but knows some of tubbo's lore. What's all this about a revived tubbo? If you don't mind explaining of course.

Hiii anon!! As you hopefully remember tubbo does a lot of subtle lore so the only way to understand the revival is if u get some conext before that. Sorry if it gets just a little bit rambley

I will do my best to explain but for some background ever since maybe purgatory 1 qtubbo has been spiraling. Then he got sunny and genuinely tried to be good for her. And he was!! Hes a great dad to sunny but qtubbo is very mentally ill.

Then he got kidnapped for purgatory 2 and came back significantly worse. He became very passively suicidal, like he didn't outwardly say he wanted out, but from his actions you wouldn't know any better. At least from chats pov. Like he would jump off the top of tubchunk and get downed and sunny would be forced to revive him. "Accidentally" falling off the wall when hanging with phil. Going against the eye workers and just not caring how many times he died. It was pretty bad.

He started feeling like all his friends didn't really care for him and only wanted to use him for the factories he made and the supplies he had created. Then fit and pac got together and again he got significantly worse. So because the relationship that is morning crew changed even tho they claimed it wouldn't. Tubbo started actively pushing people away. Like he would purposely be suppppper fucking annoying and loud and abrasive. It was like he was testing who would stay with him even if he was being a dick. And basically no one passed really. Like even sunny would constantly go to fit or pac or bagi. Saying she doesnt know how to help her dad, he needs help, plz help him. And they would all respond in some variation of "aaahhh its just tubbo!!! Hes fine. Hes just being dramatic." Or assume its about fred.

On top of that because of tubbos mental stability. He couldn't really help Sunny's with her feelings and mental stability.

And I wanna mention all the eggs could see him rotting away and they would mention it too their parents, but they were like "well keep an eye on him" but didn't exactly do much. At least from tubbos pov

But moving on to the new island/spawn point.

For the most part he didn't really interact with morning crew at first. He was with foolish and the town of fobo and he was so fucking happy!!!! It was awesome!! Like even sunny was so excited that tubbo was happy again. Foolish and town of fobo was a new start for him and he felt appreciated. But everything changed when create was put behind a pay wall (I love atla lmao)

So foolish got to get to work on town of fobo projects but tubbo was feeling extremely useless. He couldn't participate in the only way he knew how. create.

He felt useless without a purpose, and was trying hard to get the money for create. He had his high with the beginning of town of fobo but this new create playwall would be the star of a new low. He was once again actively rotting in front of his friends especially his daughter and only she and a few eggs really noticed. His friends would laugh and giggle that hes being dramatic. He was rotting away again in real time. Faster than before really. Tubbo was lacking purpose, he was useless in his eyes and started looking for a purpose, a reason to keep living.

How did he find that you're wondering??? By getting two lives. So one day we had a bunch of the eggos with him. One being empanada and he brought up the fact she's the only egg with one life. How that sucks and if he could he would give a life up for her. Empanada of course refuses. But he keeps going and was like "oh you know what would be really cool..... Only having 2 lives and if I die I don't come back for good." *stares at chayanne*

Empanada is refusing and hes like "naaahh it would be really fun and cool tho." She even tries to get him to stop by bringing up sunny. And he stops for a millisecond and says something like "sure she wouldn't like that too much but I'll be fine" so now he's on two lives.

The thing is tubbo was not hiding this information, like he brought it up all the time. "I have to be careful I only have 2 lives" then he lost one. "I only got one life then I'm dead dead." Feb 13 he almost lost it due to radiation (he will never escape the nuke aesthetic lol) and the next day valentines day he dies.

And I have to make it very clear tubbo keeps telling everyone hes working on one life. He only has one life. Hes doing hardcore. Everyone thought he was joking. So on valentines he went out with a group consisting of sunny, fit, ramon, phil, chayanne, chunsik, and richarlyson. They wanted to compete a dungeon together and tubbo was down for it.

Tubbo ended up making a beat with richarlyson that he ended up losing. Richas killed him, qtubbo ended up dying begging for fit to help him but he died anyway. But it wasn't like last time he didn't come back. Fit basically left immediately sunny was left just standing over her dads body in shock. Chayanne also thought he was joking this whole time but unfortunately learned that he was being serious. And phil was there to just laughing saying tubbos being dramatic lol. No one took his death seriously, like they were all joking and laughing in front of his daughter saying he was having a tantrum and would be back when create is back. The only other person who understood sunny was chayanne.

People only started takeing his death kinda seriously was after creation showed up. The eggs did at least

Now creation is a robot that a ~version of~ qtubbo made to protect the eggs. More importantly protect sunny. Especially in the event that "primary protector" aka tubbo is gone. So late during the valentines stream on phils end, creation shows up confirming that qtubbo is dead dead and hes not coming back unless creation has the proper data. His purpose. The only way to get tubbo back is to bring him back with his purpose

And now I can finally talk about this weeks streams. Creation comes and we are shown the message that was left for sunny. Saying he doesn't know how he got himself into this, and how sunny shouldnt have to hear this message. How he expects any of the adults there to care for her. He knows he hasn't been a good example of self care. But he explains that he will have no idea that he left the message, he will have no idea that the message will even exist. There's only 2 people that can show u this message, and he promises that he will make sure she will never see either of their faces. He apologizes and explains that he never expected to have to take care of anyone else. Goes on to say if he had known he was going to care for someone else he would have never signed up for this kind of "scheme" or "operation." We don't exactly know what hes talking about tho.

He again emphasizes that the friends that we have will take care of her. And how he refuses to believe that they would let anything happen to her. And tells her to keep going and have fun in life because she's just a kid. Then we were cut back to creation who finds sunny saying he needs to find people to help bring him back. They end up with a group consisting of bagi, sunny, empanada, and chayanne and they work together to get what creation needs to bring back tubbo. Its old smooth stone, form a mod, thats before the rest of the islands time. The old order creation stated. And eventually find a secret room in town of fobo, that bagi decodes a book to get the data needed to bring tubbo back. Builds a contraption and creation dies but tubbo is alive again!!!

Then we have the next stream and tubbo is back,,, but he's different-

he comes out of lava and only remembers dying and he thinks he's been gone a day at best. He learns that only fit helped sunny. He doesn't want to believe, but its mostly true. But oddly enough he plans to murder people cuz how dare people not take care of her. Hes more aggressive, he keeps making threats of murder and only sunny is safe it seems. Hes massively holding grudges as well.

they woke chayanne up and hes basically jumping on him and yelling lmao. Claims chay doesnt care cuz he didn't wake up immediately and isn't happy hes back. And like chatters know chay was genually fuck up after losing tubbo. But dude is s c r e a m i n g at sleeping chay.

Chay wakes up, they go outside and end up talking, learned he was gone a week but hes very loud not understanding the vibes of 2 depressed children who missed him very much. He keeps trying to speak but the windchimes are pissing him the fuck off to the point he rips them down. Noises in general is really pissing him off, like things that normally would be really quiet like fire places and the motor boats he gets really angry cuz he claims its really loud.

Just overall being a Menace. Like Chayanne apologized for hitting him and Tubbo was like "oh it's okay it's okay I understand but I will simply take note of that and you'll never know when I'll Strike Back." So he's threatening even the eggs even If he is joking. Qtubbo never use to do that, some.of the eggs ruined his farm and it sent him into a tirade of just talking about how things build up and up and up how they turn into large cracks in the wall and eventually the wall will break. But as he's doing this he practically yelling but aggressively. Also threatened chat saying he can prove how scary he can be lmao.

And was constantly asking people who they think the worse parent of the island is. Sunny and chay were just tryna see where he is mentally. But hes like cornering chay "DONT I LOOK FINE, IM ALL GOOD, WHATS WRONG???"

In other words hes very angry???

Fit was just existing and man's dogged on him "what you think you're so much better than me with your spit shine bald head of yours" and anytime any of the group would try and talk away from him hes just "ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME???" "WHATS HAPPENING, IS THIS ABOUT ME"

Oh and he keeps mentioning the little time people have left.

Like I said some of the eggs ruined Sunny and Leo's farm and he starts off calmish??? But just gets angrier or aggressive is a better term?. Planning to just stand over richas's bed and stare at him. Hes giving arg kinda need to draw that ngl.

He gets mad that the lil group of fit, chay, Sunny, and ramon for fixing the farm that the other eggs destroyed. And fit is trying to like convince him that it's okay like they're just kids it's a mistake. And fit is like it isnt your house so it's okay and tubbo is like "fit I think you're undermining my feelings how is that okay." And fit is just like "oh but it's just like a little thing so it's no worries." And this is how tubbo goes on his "chips and cracks in the walls monologue" that sums up his character perfectly.

Soooo yeeeaaaahhh revived tubbo something else

[d0llyxtears]

I never planned to be an adult…. Why am I here ??

[commonzinnia]

taking naps because i hate feeling and hope to never wake up

[4rtsymugzzz]

my brain is so fucking weird because one moment I'm like "a disgusting person like me doesn't deserve to live" and then literally 5 seconds later I'm like "ok I'm normal again :3"

[endlessmidnights]

Look up passively suicidal in the dictionary and I’ll be the first example

[lil-miss-pitiful]

Sometimes, when bad things happen to me, I pretend that I’m going to die soon.

Acting like I’m about to die any day now makes me feel like none of it matters, and it’ll be all over soon

Of course, I never die in the end.

But maybe if I wish hard enough…

[danielsarmand]

also like. sorry for venting so much i'll stop after this i promise but like. i am medicated. i go to therapy. i work. i study. what the fuck else am i supposed to fucking do. like i am doing it all and it still feels like i wasn't supposed to ever be here i really really don't know what else to try i am at my wit's end i just want to be nothing and do nothing forever

[thecouncilofidiots]

Torn between self-destruction and not wanting to hurt your loved ones with your apathy for your own well-being 😔

Well, apathy and The Urges The Thoughts The Things That Send One Spiraling™️

Don't worry, not gonna DO anything

Just... emotions Bad

-Ace