#tw passive sui ideation

[rhiandoesfandom]

What if Tilla wasn't physically sick, she was just really depressed and had suicidal ideations. That's why Blitz knows how to take care of someone in that state.

That's why he still continuously checks in with Barbie even though she continues to push him away. Cause maybe without being on the drugs she was taking or keeping busy, she is actively suicidal. What then.

[cheeeeek7]

i think the worst thing about having a mental illness is being poor at the same time. like you know something isn't right but you have no opportunity to change it so you js live... and suffer... and want to kys...

[curse-this-silent-voice]

Doing school work while being passively suicidal is so weird. It's all like

"Why am I doing this shit when I'm probably going to be gone by 30... oh wait, I might not be, so might as well do it"

"God, I can't figure out how to make this sentence make sense. Gotta take a break because this is making me wanna die even more rn"

"If I just... keeled over right now, I wouldn't have to go in there and write. Omg please"

"Not gonna lie, I'm only doing this for my therapist, my parents and my teacher"

*minor inconvenience like laptop not starting* "oh, is this a sign to give up and end it all??"

[syn-ch]

i'm so ready to fucking d1e

[danielsarmand]

me pmsing, knowing full well pms kicks my ass every single month and makes each one of my mental illnesses 10 times worse: damn has existence ever looked so bleak. what am i still doing here

[luvhzmez]

Do you think if I k1lled myself my father would finally care? I can’t even complain cuz he doesn’t know the things that go on in my head but istg if he knew he’d feel so guilty for always being so mean🥲

[first-boy-wonder]

It's off isn't it

m desperate enough to still go after seeing that...?

Huh

Worst case is just what nature was gonna do anyway.. s fine

[dozyrogue]

Hey I'm an old tubbling (dsmp days) that hasn't been really keeping up with the qsmp but knows some of tubbo's lore. What's all this about a revived tubbo? If you don't mind explaining of course.

Hiii anon!! As you hopefully remember tubbo does a lot of subtle lore so the only way to understand the revival is if u get some conext before that. Sorry if it gets just a little bit rambley

I will do my best to explain but for some background ever since maybe purgatory 1 qtubbo has been spiraling. Then he got sunny and genuinely tried to be good for her. And he was!! Hes a great dad to sunny but qtubbo is very mentally ill.

Then he got kidnapped for purgatory 2 and came back significantly worse. He became very passively suicidal, like he didn't outwardly say he wanted out, but from his actions you wouldn't know any better. At least from chats pov. Like he would jump off the top of tubchunk and get downed and sunny would be forced to revive him. "Accidentally" falling off the wall when hanging with phil. Going against the eye workers and just not caring how many times he died. It was pretty bad.

He started feeling like all his friends didn't really care for him and only wanted to use him for the factories he made and the supplies he had created. Then fit and pac got together and again he got significantly worse. So because the relationship that is morning crew changed even tho they claimed it wouldn't. Tubbo started actively pushing people away. Like he would purposely be suppppper fucking annoying and loud and abrasive. It was like he was testing who would stay with him even if he was being a dick. And basically no one passed really. Like even sunny would constantly go to fit or pac or bagi. Saying she doesnt know how to help her dad, he needs help, plz help him. And they would all respond in some variation of "aaahhh its just tubbo!!! Hes fine. Hes just being dramatic." Or assume its about fred.

On top of that because of tubbos mental stability. He couldn't really help Sunny's with her feelings and mental stability.

And I wanna mention all the eggs could see him rotting away and they would mention it too their parents, but they were like "well keep an eye on him" but didn't exactly do much. At least from tubbos pov

But moving on to the new island/spawn point.

For the most part he didn't really interact with morning crew at first. He was with foolish and the town of fobo and he was so fucking happy!!!! It was awesome!! Like even sunny was so excited that tubbo was happy again. Foolish and town of fobo was a new start for him and he felt appreciated. But everything changed when create was put behind a pay wall (I love atla lmao)

So foolish got to get to work on town of fobo projects but tubbo was feeling extremely useless. He couldn't participate in the only way he knew how. create.

He felt useless without a purpose, and was trying hard to get the money for create. He had his high with the beginning of town of fobo but this new create playwall would be the star of a new low. He was once again actively rotting in front of his friends especially his daughter and only she and a few eggs really noticed. His friends would laugh and giggle that hes being dramatic. He was rotting away again in real time. Faster than before really. Tubbo was lacking purpose, he was useless in his eyes and started looking for a purpose, a reason to keep living.

How did he find that you're wondering??? By getting two lives. So one day we had a bunch of the eggos with him. One being empanada and he brought up the fact she's the only egg with one life. How that sucks and if he could he would give a life up for her. Empanada of course refuses. But he keeps going and was like "oh you know what would be really cool..... Only having 2 lives and if I die I don't come back for good." *stares at chayanne*

Empanada is refusing and hes like "naaahh it would be really fun and cool tho." She even tries to get him to stop by bringing up sunny. And he stops for a millisecond and says something like "sure she wouldn't like that too much but I'll be fine" so now he's on two lives.

The thing is tubbo was not hiding this information, like he brought it up all the time. "I have to be careful I only have 2 lives" then he lost one. "I only got one life then I'm dead dead." Feb 13 he almost lost it due to radiation (he will never escape the nuke aesthetic lol) and the next day valentines day he dies.

And I have to make it very clear tubbo keeps telling everyone hes working on one life. He only has one life. Hes doing hardcore. Everyone thought he was joking. So on valentines he went out with a group consisting of sunny, fit, ramon, phil, chayanne, chunsik, and richarlyson. They wanted to compete a dungeon together and tubbo was down for it.

Tubbo ended up making a beat with richarlyson that he ended up losing. Richas killed him, qtubbo ended up dying begging for fit to help him but he died anyway. But it wasn't like last time he didn't come back. Fit basically left immediately sunny was left just standing over her dads body in shock. Chayanne also thought he was joking this whole time but unfortunately learned that he was being serious. And phil was there to just laughing saying tubbos being dramatic lol. No one took his death seriously, like they were all joking and laughing in front of his daughter saying he was having a tantrum and would be back when create is back. The only other person who understood sunny was chayanne.

People only started takeing his death kinda seriously was after creation showed up. The eggs did at least

Now creation is a robot that a ~version of~ qtubbo made to protect the eggs. More importantly protect sunny. Especially in the event that "primary protector" aka tubbo is gone. So late during the valentines stream on phils end, creation shows up confirming that qtubbo is dead dead and hes not coming back unless creation has the proper data. His purpose. The only way to get tubbo back is to bring him back with his purpose

And now I can finally talk about this weeks streams. Creation comes and we are shown the message that was left for sunny. Saying he doesn't know how he got himself into this, and how sunny shouldnt have to hear this message. How he expects any of the adults there to care for her. He knows he hasn't been a good example of self care. But he explains that he will have no idea that he left the message, he will have no idea that the message will even exist. There's only 2 people that can show u this message, and he promises that he will make sure she will never see either of their faces. He apologizes and explains that he never expected to have to take care of anyone else. Goes on to say if he had known he was going to care for someone else he would have never signed up for this kind of "scheme" or "operation." We don't exactly know what hes talking about tho.

He again emphasizes that the friends that we have will take care of her. And how he refuses to believe that they would let anything happen to her. And tells her to keep going and have fun in life because she's just a kid. Then we were cut back to creation who finds sunny saying he needs to find people to help bring him back. They end up with a group consisting of bagi, sunny, empanada, and chayanne and they work together to get what creation needs to bring back tubbo. Its old smooth stone, form a mod, thats before the rest of the islands time. The old order creation stated. And eventually find a secret room in town of fobo, that bagi decodes a book to get the data needed to bring tubbo back. Builds a contraption and creation dies but tubbo is alive again!!!

Then we have the next stream and tubbo is back,,, but he's different-

he comes out of lava and only remembers dying and he thinks he's been gone a day at best. He learns that only fit helped sunny. He doesn't want to believe, but its mostly true. But oddly enough he plans to murder people cuz how dare people not take care of her. Hes more aggressive, he keeps making threats of murder and only sunny is safe it seems. Hes massively holding grudges as well.

they woke chayanne up and hes basically jumping on him and yelling lmao. Claims chay doesnt care cuz he didn't wake up immediately and isn't happy hes back. And like chatters know chay was genually fuck up after losing tubbo. But dude is s c r e a m i n g at sleeping chay.

Chay wakes up, they go outside and end up talking, learned he was gone a week but hes very loud not understanding the vibes of 2 depressed children who missed him very much. He keeps trying to speak but the windchimes are pissing him the fuck off to the point he rips them down. Noises in general is really pissing him off, like things that normally would be really quiet like fire places and the motor boats he gets really angry cuz he claims its really loud.

Just overall being a Menace. Like Chayanne apologized for hitting him and Tubbo was like "oh it's okay it's okay I understand but I will simply take note of that and you'll never know when I'll Strike Back." So he's threatening even the eggs even If he is joking. Qtubbo never use to do that, some.of the eggs ruined his farm and it sent him into a tirade of just talking about how things build up and up and up how they turn into large cracks in the wall and eventually the wall will break. But as he's doing this he practically yelling but aggressively. Also threatened chat saying he can prove how scary he can be lmao.

And was constantly asking people who they think the worse parent of the island is. Sunny and chay were just tryna see where he is mentally. But hes like cornering chay "DONT I LOOK FINE, IM ALL GOOD, WHATS WRONG???"

In other words hes very angry???

Fit was just existing and man's dogged on him "what you think you're so much better than me with your spit shine bald head of yours" and anytime any of the group would try and talk away from him hes just "ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME???" "WHATS HAPPENING, IS THIS ABOUT ME"

Oh and he keeps mentioning the little time people have left.

Like I said some of the eggs ruined Sunny and Leo's farm and he starts off calmish??? But just gets angrier or aggressive is a better term?. Planning to just stand over richas's bed and stare at him. Hes giving arg kinda need to draw that ngl.

He gets mad that the lil group of fit, chay, Sunny, and ramon for fixing the farm that the other eggs destroyed. And fit is trying to like convince him that it's okay like they're just kids it's a mistake. And fit is like it isnt your house so it's okay and tubbo is like "fit I think you're undermining my feelings how is that okay." And fit is just like "oh but it's just like a little thing so it's no worries." And this is how tubbo goes on his "chips and cracks in the walls monologue" that sums up his character perfectly.

Soooo yeeeaaaahhh revived tubbo something else

[d0llyxtears]

I never planned to be an adult…. Why am I here ??

[4rtsymugzzz]

my brain is so fucking weird because one moment I'm like "a disgusting person like me doesn't deserve to live" and then literally 5 seconds later I'm like "ok I'm normal again :3"

[littlenaughtygarden]

Being a afraid to die and being passively suicidal is such a trip...

[danielsarmand]

also like. sorry for venting so much i'll stop after this i promise but like. i am medicated. i go to therapy. i work. i study. what the fuck else am i supposed to fucking do. like i am doing it all and it still feels like i wasn't supposed to ever be here i really really don't know what else to try i am at my wit's end i just want to be nothing and do nothing forever

[fountainpenchess]

But I might want to die forever. That’s just how it is. But in the meantime, I need to talk about the treading. Do I hope that one day, I won’t feel like this? Of course. But according to Foreman, it may not be the case that we can entirely eliminate suicidal thoughts and feelings — yet or ever — and I’m done pretending that this is a fight I’m guaranteed to win if I only try hard enough instead of something I can, at least, manage. Because I can manage it, and the ocean is nice sometimes. The sun comes out and the current calms, and I can find peace in the drifting. Maybe there isn’t hope of land in the distance; maybe sometimes there is. Maybe that’s not the point. Perhaps what I’m looking for isn’t land at all, but other people out here with me. Trying, and treading, and learning to live in the water.

— I am not always very attached to being alive by anna borges

[aclementineforthesoul]

maybe im privileged in the sense that i can still see myself being alive in the next ten years, but that doesn't rlly feel all that great anyway since my passive suicidal thoughts r literally always ever prominent

im supposed to go to this criminal justice college courses information meeting tmr and i dont rlly know what i wanna do anyway. i dont have a specific pull towards anything. if i can do it because im capable and itll bring good money, then sure, whatever. as long as i can at least stand the job, i dont care. my "plan" is to be a paralegal then probably go to law school or something.

i think i only feel being a lawyer as a bearable thing i might care abt is because i could practice malpractice law or be a disability lawyer. i have a disabled friend who lives the shittiest fucking life ever thanks to the inconsiderate and uncaring and fucking harmful people "caring" for him, so if anything, my love for him pulls me to that sort of career. at least theres that. i really wouldn't mind being in the ground, and i really dont know or care about what i want to do, but i have one option that seems viable. im at least grateful for that, even if i might hate that path anyway too

[cheeeeek7]

its hard to admit but i haven't even k1lled mslf yet but I already miss being alive