#tw mention of trauma

[candieduranium]

[universestreasures]

"Seto needs to realize that reaching the top doesn't have to mean being miserable."

This scene from the dub, while not accurate to either the sub or the manga's version of this scene (Which are both excellent btw), really highlights one thing about Mokuba if nothing else: his desire for Seto's happiness/well being and his perception that he is 'miserable', which is a constant factor in all three versions of the story.

The fact that Mokuba views his brother in such a way is really telling because Mokuba sees what us the audience and Yugi and co don't see. He sees his brother being an avid workaholic. He sees his brother has no friends or any social interactions. He sees his brother always be cold or grumpy and rarely smile genuinely out of happiness that is not accompanied by laughter or pride. How could he not think, from his youthful POV, his brother is miserable?

And the fact that Mokuba has thought about these things but hasn't told his brother (He never tells Seto this point specifically in canon) is also telling because we know Mokuba HATES upsetting his brother. While he can do things for his brother's own good (Transcend Game is a perfect example of this), it's hard for him to justify it if it's not life or death.

You also gotta remember again Mokuba is a kid and this topic is very nuanced and bringing up any emotional topic with Seto is hard. It's just really tragic when you think about how Mokuba sorta feels like he is forced to watch his brother go on without being able to change anything about it really, both out of fear of rejection or if there is anything he really can do (since like him, Seto is just as traumatized by his time under Gozaboru, just in a different way)

Anyway, this scene is good (As most of Dub Mokuba's scenes are. They really did nail him in the dub for the most part writing wise.), and Tara Sands's performance here always gets me.

[romaritimeharbor]

the ONLY reason i have never given diona an older sibling!reader is because i think all the posts would come out traumadumpy. Erm. yeah. do with that information what you will 😇🙏

[sappho-favourite-pupil]

What's wrong with you

You mean except trauma, neurodivergency and the actual state in which my hands are?

[wisteriasymphony]

comfort snapshot for @asukiess ignore whatever the other one's name is queen she's not important just crtl+f mari onto it no biggie

---

The lock looked simple, and like it had been forced upon before in the past. Claudia fought with the doorhandle for a moment, but it wouldn't open.

Jesus, calm down. You know he gets a bit of a fuse sometimes, hearing you try to break a door down isn't gonna fucking help you much.

She sighed, speaking softly.

"Adrien, I'm going to try and open the door," Claudia whispered, "And then I am going to step inside. I am not going to hurt you. I won't even come close if you don't want me to. Okay?"

Three minutes of dead silence. And so, she slipped her fingernail into the lock's middle slot, the lightest force enough to spring it open. She tread carefully into the bathroom, finding Adrien in the corner. He had ransacked every cabinet in the room and stolen all the towels and washcloths and even the bathroom rug; And in that corner, he had curled up in a ball and covered himself with them, until his silhouette was more of a shifting mass of fabric than a boy.

He didn’t bother to look at Claudia, only muttering “I’m disgusting” under his breath like it was a curse.

“Hey, people say things they don’t mean all the time.” Claudia slowly knelt down onto the floor, watching Adrien with a concerned gaze.

“I promise I didn’t mean it. I don’t– I wouldn’t want—“

“Shh. It’s fine, okay? I’m not mad over it or anything,” she said, crawling over to him. “…I’m going to put my hand on your head. Is that alright?”

He nodded, and so Claudia started to stroke his hair again. Adrien still couldn’t bear to look at her… but the feeling was nice. Even if it only led to more tears. It was insane to think that she’d still really love him after that. Was he even worth it? She had to have known that he wasn’t.

"Why do you stay?" Adrien finally asked. "You seem to make it so clear that I don't mean anything to you. Like one of these days you're going to discard me at the drop of a hat." He stared her down with dull, watery eyes, for the first time in a long while. "Why do you even stick around?"

It was clear that there was a very specific answer he was looking for. One that validated all of his worst fears, one that reminded him that even the person he loved most in the world would only ever see him as one thing. But Claudia was tired of lying. Even when it meant she said things people weren't expecting to hear.

"Because I don't know what I'd do without you." Claudia slipped her jacket off her shoulders, placing it in Adrien's lap as another thing to cover himself with. "Because I like hearing you talk, and I like your laugh, and I like that none of your fancy photos ever show the dimple on your left cheek but I get to see it everyday." Claudia laughed to herself, admitting "..It's very faint, but it's there."

Adrien shifted closer to Claudia, leaning on her a little more. He was still crying, sure, but the tears were slowing down. She was doing something right for once.

"What else... I like listening to you play piano. I think you're the best in the whole world."

"Th... that's not true..."

"Psch! To me, it is. Beethoven can suck my left nut for all I care, he's probably terrible compared to you."

This time she got a laugh back. Another shift closer. Adrien had finally reached a hand out to cling onto her.

"..So you do love me?"

"Mhm." Claudia planted a kiss on his forehead. "I love you, I love you, I love you, and I mean it even more every time I say it. I don't care what you look like, what you say to me, even who you are. 'Cause I don't love Chat Errant, or Chat Noir, or even Adrien Agresté." She placed her pointer finger on his chest, leaning in to let their foreheads touch. "I just love you."

He broke out into sobs again, his face contorting into something scrunched and unsightly. "Y-you won't let me be cold anymore, right? I was s-so cold— I-" Adrien let his head fall to her shoulder, heaving and blubbering into it. "And the lights and they'd— The way she touched me in- I-in— It lasted for so long and- There's pictures of all of it and— A-all I can remember is that I was so cold-"

He stopped when he felt her hand hover over the towels draped on his shoulder—stopped talking, stopped breathing, probably stopped blinking too. Claudia could feel he had the most terrible fever, was probably only going to kill himself with all these layers... but she moved her hand to his head, ruffling his hair.

"No, I won't let you be cold," she said, taking off her shirt, then her bra: giving him the former but setting the latter on the floor. "Here. I'll warm you up."

When Adrien went to hug her, a few of the towels fell off his shoulders. Claudia swore she'd never been hugged this hard in her life—maybe that even most people would never been hugged this hard. He seemed to wrap his body around her, clinging on by every means he could, shaking and heaving and yet still holding on however he could. But Claudia was stable, and her skin felt like dew-kissed stones in a riverbank. Not cold, but just.. a little less warm. The good kind.

"D-do you ever feel like you want your mom," he asked, the words breaking against his tears, "...But you— But you know that she'd only make it worse?"

Claudia knew that if Adrien's mother had still been alive, this would have been the moment Claudia planned to kill her.

"...Every day, Eddí," she said, shifting to kiss the top of his head. "Every day."

[sedgesnuggles]

My teenage brother just said the n-word (we’re white) and I’m struggling to not run down those stairs and beat the shit out of him. Yes he has that Gen Alpha brainrot shit going on, the whole ‘sIgMa MaLe’ thing too, and over the past few months he’s just become increasingly racist, sexist, homophobic and narcissistic.

Need some emotional support rn, especially since my parents aren’t really doing anything about it anymore.

My mum was telling him off for racist language about a week ago, and he went ahead and broke her locket chain, a chain that, mind you, was gifted to her for her 21st birthday by a VERY recently deceased relative whom she was very close with.

He’s also had multiple girlfriends in the last 6 months, either dumping them because they didn’t agree with him or they dumped him after he showed his true colours.

My brother seems to take pride in triggering my PTSD by making overly sexual jokes, remarks and even going so far as to say he’s ‘practicing’ making out on the DOG, also saying that he ‘loves her being in his bed’. He’s so fucking disgusting.

[thesecretingredientislove]

I am moving, and while putting things into boxes I found a box filled with notebooks. There I found many drawing and things I wrote or tried to write and that... were very disturbing. It made me realize how traumatized I was (I think I still am, but I have been working on that and have changed a lot), I was hurt and scared of lots of things. Seeing this notebooks was kind of triggering and I started to panic as I remembered those awful things.

And then I found this cute Wander I drew in one of those notebooks and it just... took me out of it.

Wander Over Yonder was a cartoon that was with me in some of my lowest moments and, this might sound childish, but I think it helped me through it and it helped me stay alive. And it still does. I am in a better place now, I have discovered so many new things. I am studying space and it's difficult but also amazing. Being AuDHD and with all this traumatic experiences, I can't say I am sure I am happy. I think I am getting better. Comparing my sad moments and stress now to... those past moments, I think I am moving forward. I am not sure where I wanted to get while writing this but... yeah, I am glad I found this drawing I made in my darkest moments in order to cheer me up. It still does.

"Just because I'm sad doesn't mean I've given up hope" is a quote that kept me alive. I'm glad it did.

[isbus]

I’m not the type to say stuff like this but.. it has to be said.

Now that I’ve gotten your attention… Elsagate content on YouTube is back.

Elsagate Content is a type of YouTube content centered towards kids. If you have not heard of it, then you would think it’s good. It’s not. Elsagate content is traumatizing to say the least. It’s filled with topics such as pregnancy, needles, bodily waste, and so much gross stuff.

You might be thinking, ‘why is it centered towards kids?’. Well that’s because the sick fucks on the internet make these videos with popular kids characters. At first they were Spider-Man and Elsa from Frozen, now they are characters from games and very few movies/tv shows. Characters from Among Us, Poppy Playtime, Friday Night Funkin’, and more are being shown in these horrible situations. Even Ankha (specifically the ‘dancing’ one) is being used in certain videos!

These ‘kids’ videos are normalizing fetishes. Because of these videos, kids watching could see these topics as normal or nothing new to them. Gore, piss, shit, and even feet are gonna make them happy. These videos are not only traumatizing kids, but they are ruining kids and their childhood.

But most of all, pedophila is big in this content. “How?” You ask. Well here’s two examples.

1: As I said before, the ‘dancing’ Ankha video has been used in such content. So kids would record themselves ‘dancing like Ankha did in the Ankha Zone Animation’. This leads to horny pedophiles.

2: When comments were allowed on kids videos, people would put ‘codes’ in the comments. If you were to search YouTube with those codes, you would find kids twerking videos. Once again, horny pedophiles. Luckily this has been changed since you now cannot comment on kids videos.

This last example is about how children can get scarred by YouTube.

3: If a kid wanted to watch videos of something like Hey Arnold, they could search it up on YouTube. If they put filters on for playlists only, they could find porn gifs in those playlists. Some playlists may be different, but most playlists you can find are filled with porn gifs but they are disguised as a Hey Arnold playlist. Isn’t that fun?

Now what can you do to stop kids from watching stuff like that? Easy! REPORT THE FUCK OUT OF THOSE CHANNELS. If you see one? REPORT. If you have any spare accounts, have them report the channel too!

Also, if you have a younger sibling who just so happens to be a child or a child, have them not watch YouTube. Put on some kids tv instead. Make sure they don’t watch any of that content.

Keep YouTube- and the internet in general- away from children. Only when they can make safe decisions then allow them.

And lastly… Please reblog or warn others!

That’s all. Keep your children or siblings safe!

~IsBus

If you want more information or if I forgot something, watch this video!

[calf-cover]

Some More Details

I would like to put in a few words about my Alagadda fan fiction, to which I made illustrations not so long ago. Its first chapters are more than two-thirds ready, and I think it's time to present some details about it to the world.

And here I will note several important points that relate to its plot, content and some of the topics raised in it. Also I welcome any questions regarding my story, characters and Alagadda itself. And remember - you can never overdo it with questions to the author about their precious adorable brainchild, oh no, no, no - oh yes…

The events of my story will cover the time before the transformation, and will focus on the characters and the strange unique world around them, as well as the horrors, inhumanity and woe that permeate their entire natural.

There are three main characters - the King of Alagadda, his devoted Jester and the Ambassador, who took human form for reasons familiar to us - but so unknown at the same time. And the story will eventually allow them all to tell itself piece by piece and put it together like an eerie and sinester mosaic.

It is also necessary to a warning. This story will contain not just "a lot" of dark topics, but an exorbitant number of them. Just every single trigger warning possible. No one is safe - neither children nor animals. Almost all the characters have a terrible trauma, which they overcome in extremely unhealthy ways. Thus, Jester suffers a lot because of severe PTSD, (as well as of a very unpleasant situation related to his actually intesex state, which implies another bunch of terrible TWs), King can awaken the most painful memories about illnesses and emotionally unstable relatives, and the Ambassador just says and does strange creepy things with very uncanny sublayer. And well, it seems that they are hiding even more than one would expect…

So this story will be an absolutely NSFW. And I don't want to scare anyone, but some of the situations, characters and their biographies were based on real historical figures. By the way, that's why everything turned out so gloomy. I'm not such a perverted maniac to come up with such horrors from scratch!

Perhaps this is all that I wanted to say so far within the scope of a short post. Just to warn the audience about possible disturbing content, and perhaps, with a little bit of luck - to fueled interest. Do not hesitate to ask anything if you are suddenly interested in this or that detail. After all, the story has yet to be told, and it's not even the beginning.

[nevaehdavis5675]

Nobody : Thatchers Happiness

Tw in tags)

Snow man ( Thatchers happiness)

Truck : ( Trauma or Losing Ruth)

[therosewallkey]

"Shipabilis" coining Shipabilis = accepting shipping sobeit done respectfully cw LONG😅:

I don’t know if this is actually needed, it’s just that I’ve seen so many different takes on what these ‘subgroups’ and spaces stand for in shipping, and so wanted to make a clear distinct group for myself to identify within. 

My group/term is called shipabilis, which translates to “accepting shipping”

You may realize this sounds a whole lot like ‘proship’, and while it does hold many of the same ideas/values from a proship perspective, it differs in several aspects. And yeah I guess this sorta makes me an anti, while others may still see this as proship. And this is basically my own idea of what I wish proship was. (Taking notes from several posts.(May update these definitions in the future)) Shipabilis: adjective. 

“Shipabilis” is basically the idea “let people ship whatever fictional ship they want sobeit they portray it respectfully.” 

Ideals:

People who are shipabilis are anti-harrassment. 

People who are shipabilis are anti-censorship.

People who are shipabilis believe it is good and needed to have taboo media that can help people and people can draw from.

Someone who tolerates and does not discriminate against/harass people about any fictional ship(*done correctly/respectfully). This does not inherently mean the person does ship taboo things, just means they tolerate and don’t harass.

*When said “done correctly” this is where it differentiates itself from proship. Yes the words ���done correctly’ does imply a moral stance. People who are shipabilis believe it is good to have taboo fictional media as long as it displays real life moral teachings. Examples:

Someone who is shipabilis will tolerate fictional media of grooming and paedophilia so long as the media makes clear to the audience that it is bad and wrong. 

Someone who is shipabilis will not support fictional  minorXadult where there is no comment about how this is morally wrong, and where this media could be used to normalize paedophilia. The shipabilis will not support it, but will also NOT harass a person over it. 

Someone who is shipabilis will tolerate fictional media displaying incest as long as the media makes clear it is wrong and does not promote it.

Someone who is shipabilis will not support fictional incest where the media does not make clear to the audience that incest is wrong. If the media seems to promote or normalize incest, the shipabilis’ will not support while also NOT harassing.

Someone who is shipabilis will tolerate fictional media that displays abuse as long as the media makes clear that abuse is wrong.

Someone who is shipabilis will not tolerate fictional media that makes it seem like abuse is not wrong. Media that victim blames or normalizes abuse. Shipabilis will not harrass people over this media either though. They will turn away and ignore.

Further Explanation/Discussion/Background: I am wanting to make this/coin this because with the research I have done I cannot find myself defining myself on either side of “pro” or “anti” ship. I have heard proship experiences, and I have heard anti experiences. The definition of both these subgroups has become so lost that the definition is drastically different depending on who you speak with.  I was also wanting to make this because while speaking to both some anti’s and some proshippers they expressed and made clear some things to me. - The proshipers told me that “all proshipper have preferences. And while I may dislike noncon and other taboos, I am still proship because I believe in ‘ship and let ship’. Anyone who  believes certain things should be censored or removed would be an anti.” - I was unable to get many/a generalized view from the ‘Antis’ because they generally just seem to be anyone against their idea of proship(which is usually taboo ships)and many antis I tried to speak with, even past proshippers, told me they had a “horrible experience with the proship community.” I didn’t ask the details but one person was able to tell me that basically “The ideas and concepts of Proshipping are to vague and widespread to simply be under one term” and that “While yes proship is about fiction, we need to acknowledge that for many people fiction impacts reality and how we view reality. So writing a minorxadult, or incest ship and not making it clear this is wrong in the real world, leads to it becoming normalized and unsensitized.”

And so again, with trying and somewhat understanding views from both sides I found I did not entirely belong with either. Because as some have said. “Proship or anti can mean so many different things now to different people.” To one person “anti” means terf, while “proship” means the same thing to another. So because I realized the flaws in certain areas of the proship community, my feelings of how fiction impacts reality, and as well as how I wouldn’t be accepted by many proclaimed antis, I realized I just needed to make my own “term” for myself, and if anyone hold my ideals they are welcome to join. 

It is complicated because I do not want anything to be censored necessarily, because then how do we decide what needs to be censored and what doesn’t? And I also do not believe in harassing a person over their views, especially when/if it hurts no one, and another especially if it’s about fiction. So my view is really just “see something you don’t like/agree with/you think should be deleted, just ignore it, don’t bring attention to it, and let it get buried in the dust of history.”

So now that we’re done with the quite long discussion/explanation/background, I will reiterate what shipabilis is. “Shipabilis’ is basically the idea “let people ship whatever fictional ship they want sobeit they portray it respectfully.”  I would say “correctly” but then that is again leaving it up to the argument of all our own differing morals and what “correct” is. So while yes my stand is portraying it ‘correctly’, you really just need to be respectful to people with things that can be and are real life experiences.  All the “anti- harassment” should just be a side detail of this. Because we should ALL be anti harassment. They should be labels you collect. You can be “anti censorship” and also consider yourself an “anti-shipper” it’s all how you view it. 

So while I as the coiner of “shipabilis” say that one of our ideals is “no harassment” I acknowledge that that is not it's only and sole distinguisher.  And say this does pick up, and one day there are others calling themself fellow “shipabilis” they cannot simply say “we stand for no harassment” and act like they are morally better just for that fact. Because there will be people who are anti-shipabilis, who are also anti-harassment. And it is because the world makes it seem so black and white, one side or the other, that led to all my confusion, and the traumatic experiences of so many from both these communities. 

From what I’ve seen many proshippers are not into the taboo ships, but label themselves ‘proship’ because it is supposedly the side of anti-harassment and anti-censorship. And that may have been what it was meant to be when it originated, but with time the meaning behind it and the community has changed. So again “shipabilis” = “when it comes to fiction, ship what you like as long as you present and indulge in it respectfully in regards to how it relates and mirrors real life and people’s irl experiences.”

And I apologize if a term for all this already exists and I have just failed to find it.

And I know some people who have been through trauma, or even not, feel “there shouldn’t stories about rape and abuse or etc. these things are not for people’s enjoyment.” And I agree partly. I understand taboo and how it can feel wrong and disrespectful. But I am also able to see and separate people’s enjoyment of media and their moral standpoint. We all have different reasons for why we ‘enjoy’ something. For some of us, we like reading drama and feeling on edge. Others like to read stories that remind them of their trauma and help them not feel alone. Some people read these things for the purpose of feeling sad. Some simply like to explore these complex dynamics and learn/educate about them. etc. I don’t know the reason, but I know that making this media is more important than trying to hide and destroy it. If you don’t make a story where it displays how something is wrong, then how are people meant to really and fully understand why. This book or fic about an abusive relationship between husband and wife, parent and child, or even just teen partners could make a difference in helping someone. So what if it’s nsfw sometimes. Sometimes we need these media, and the details, to help that one person in need to understand what's wrong and help them have words for it.  And it is for same reason above that I believe we should move away from media that can normalize these things. That same little girl or boy that read the story explaining about why their parent shouldn’t rape them, could be reading a similar thing that doesn’t make clear that this action is bad and wrong. Bury the disrespectful media and make clear and room for the media that portrays it respectfully and even if not made with educational ideas, could be the first sign or resource someone finds.

People writing books or fics of their trauma do not deserve to be harassed. And also this type of media creation or enjoyment is not solely restricted to those who have been hurt. We may have no clear answer yet to why we are drawn to this media, but it does not define our moral stance.

Fiction and nonfiction are separate, but also connected in which we must make clear what is right and wrong and we must portray it respectfully. I’m sorry that this is all so long, I just want there to be no misunderstanding of my ideals. DO NOT romanticize, normalize, simplicize, glorify, etc. abuse. No matter what type of abuse, sexual, csa, physical, psychological, mental, domestic, etc. It is all wrong and bad, and deserves and is needed to be portrayed with diligence and respect.

And another last note, if you are in a community, do not harass or milk a person for content. Especially about traumatic instances, especially x2 for children/minors. People do not owe you anything. Do not exploit them for content. 

and with that, the end of the very long coining of shipabilis.

[romaritimeharbor]

I just wanted to say i really like how you’re planning to give the older sibling Reader actual trauma and issues from Draff and basically having to go through what Diona does except to a higher degree, even if they manage it differently and seem to be more um, well-adjusted? At least on a first glance.

Do you know how old Reader is supposed to be exactly? And are you open to suggestions for which character’s feature in the series/ interact with them?

to be truthful with you, this series will pull a lot from my own experiences. i know drunk people do not make good parents because i literally went through it. so reader's trauma will probably feel Very real, because for me, it is very real. having an alcoholic as a parent fucking sucks. i don't anymore, but i did once, and it was not fun! what else is there to do other than turn my trauma into a fanfic series fr /LH I PROMISE

i would say 16-18, i haven't really fully decided yet!! i will leave it unspecified for a while to see if people have any feedback or preferences they'd like to voice. and yes of course!!!!!! i am so open to suggestions and ideas; the suggestions and ideas are what will keep the series going. idk if you were around for this or if you've seen it, but i have an adoptive dad kaveh au series (that i really need to continue working on tbh LMAO), and it has gone on for so long solely because people have sent me their ideas. so yes, by all means, i am open to suggestions!!!

[meowmeowbilly]

Billy Hargrove Bingo - C3 Fill

Bingo Fill for @billyhargrovebingo

Square and Prompt: C3 - Identity Erasure

Title: Billy Hargrove, The Lost Boy (Playlist)

Running Time: about 2 hours & 15 mins

Also created to accompany the playlist: Photo edit, brief blurb of writing; the blurb is below the read more.

Info for the Blurb

Rating: T

Word Count: 516

Ships: None

Major Tags: Canon Divergence, Vague Mentions of DPDR/BPD symptoms, Mentions of Child Abuse, Neil Hargrove, Vague Description of Suicidal Thoughts

Summary: A very tiny glimpse into the backstory of Billy Hargrove and why he's lost his identity.

People know Billy Hargrove, they see him, perceive him, and experience him, these events lead them to form an idea of who he is in their minds, so they believe that they know him. None of them know him, in fact, Billy doesn't even know himself. He hasn't known himself for a very, very long time. He's always been good at pretending, playing pretend was his favorite thing as a kid, now it's a constant, every day necessity.

He plays a different role, puts on a different costume, and reads different lines with different delivery for everyone in his life. He's done this for so long that he's not even sure if there's anyone under the masks he wears, inside the shell he calls a body. He remembers being a scared little kid, but that could describe a lot of people, it isn't who Billy is.

The story he tells to the people of Hawkins is far from the truth, but he's going to tell everyone what Neil tells him to say. He was a completely different person, his mother didn't let the abuse happen to him more than once or twice and she was fighting Neil for custody. She won, at least for a while. Things were alright, but he wasn't ever really allowed to be a kid. He was getting some chance to be a "normal" teenager, but then Neil started another custody battle and won, a couple moves and a few years later, he's in Hawkins.

"You've changed," Max will say, "I don't know what your problem is," and, "I think you were a lot different in California, it's like you're not even yourself anymore."

Billy knows that he should feel hurt or upset by her words, but he isn't, her words are true. He was a much different person in California, he had fun with Max, took care of her, he actually had friends, had real conversations, and enjoyed himself. Here? He doesn't have any of that. Hawkins is the town that he's stuck in, the prison he's been put in, and he knows that you've got to do what it takes to survive, even if it's shit you don't like.

He's been playing a character since the day Neil won custody, he's wearing a mask so frequently that he doesn't have much memory of who he used to be. He's missing chunks of memories, years worth of memories, and each day he pretends to be someone he isn't, he loses a little bit more.

He's not sure who he used to be anymore, he's not really sure who he is now, and he's absolutely terrified of who he's going to be in the future. If he was able to interact with his younger self, would the kid even recognize him? Billy doesn't even know if the 15-year-old version of himself would recognize who he's become. He's a player in the game, a piece on the chessboard, and an actor on the stage; Billy's ready for the curtains to close and the game to end, he's ready for it to be over.

[laffy-taffy-creations]

Real Heroes

Warnings: mentions of trauma, past experimentation, child experimentation, mentions of kidnapping, death mention

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"And the award for No. 1 Hero is, as it has been for the last 11 years, NM!" the speaker announced.

I forced myself to keep my nerves under control. In just a few moments, they would ask if anyone had any objections, and I would raise my hand. I subconsciously searched for the hand of one of my teammates standing next to me and grabbed on to it. S ended up being said teammate and gave me a comforting squeeze.

The speaker finished up their speech which mostly boiled down to 'obviously he deserves this because it's him'. "Now, for something that I'm almost certain is useless, does anyone in the crowd object to this?" they asked.

I squeezed my eyes shut as I forced my hand as high as it could go. I heard a few gasps and murmurs. When I opened my eyes, most people were looking at me. "I…I have an objection," I said, trying to make myself sound as confident as possible.

There was some tense almost silence for a bit before I said, "Am I allowed to go up?"

"Please do!" the announcer said.

A path was made and I let go of S's hand as I walked towards the stage. People naturally let me through and I took several calming breaths as I ascended the stairway to the stage where everybody could now see me. It was now or never, every person in the city would recognize me as the person who objected to NM being the No. 1 Hero, if I didn't make my case now I probably couldn't ever again.

"You're one of the hero trainees, right? What's your name?" they asked. NM recognized me almost instantly once I was on the stage with him.

I forced myself to speak. "Yes, my codename is Blackout… I was the trainee that led the charge on the lab hidden in the forest a few months back," I said. I wished there was a better way to do this without having me stand so close to him, even though he was at least 10 feet away.

The speaker seemed intrigued and was treating this like some sort of interview, "so you're one of the best trained under his watch, right?" It was insulting, like they were trying to poke holes in my arguments before I made them by attacking me. It was disgusting.

"Just because I'm one of the best trained at the academy he teaches at doesn't mean that it's because he trained me, I learned the most from my actual teacher, my classmates, and my training before I was at the academy. I'd appreciate it if you didn't ask questions with the goal of making my statements debunked before I make them, I do notice what you're doing and it's absolutely gross, now may I have the microphone so I can explain?"

That stunned the announcer who silently nodded and gave me the microphone. I took a deep breath. This was it. Everybody would know.

"How about I start off by putting it bluntly. That lab that was hidden in the forest? Was his."

There was muttering amongst the audience and visible disbelief on most people's faces.

"The way I knew about it, and why I led the mission? It's because I was one of the experiments there, and I was the only one who escaped. He wasn't allowed to know about the mission until after, but if you saw his face, you would know as well as I do that he was both scared, and absolutely furious."

One of my friends shouted out, "He absolutely was!" Another gave me a smile and thumbs up.

"Why? Because he was more at risk for being outed. And here's where I would like to make my case. He doesn't deserve to earn the award this year. He didn't deserve the award any years prior. I was taken from my parents at the age of 9. I woke up one day, no clue where I was, who anybody around me was, or where they'd taken some of my things including my mask that everybody now knows me by."

The audience was completely silent and I could feel my heart racing in my chest. Several of my teammates were making hearts with their hands towards me. One of them mouthed out 'you got this' to me. Here comes the big part. Deep breaths.

"I was tested on there for 4 years before I finally got out, and had to wait 4 more years until I had enough personal influence to even believe I could save the others." I laughed a bit, "And do you notice the issue there? We all needed saving. Saving is the job of a hero, and if the number 1 hero knows about something they are able to change to save literally over 200 people, they should do it. But he didn't. Because he was the one running that lab."

I started getting angrier the more I talked about it, "I am not the only person that suffered from this, one of the youngest experiments was Rullo. 3 when his experiments started. He never saw the actual world until he was 11 when we saved him. I was 9 when I had to be put through this. I was 13 when I ran away and the saving of all of them was put on me because it wouldn't stop until someone saved us. And I was 17 when I led the charge. I couldn't speak up until now because I was too scared that no one would believe me and still am because who would believe a 17 year old trainee over the number 1 hero? My testimony alone won't be enough."

I felt the adrenaline running through my veins. I was doing this. He was going to get what he deserved for taking all of us from our families.

"And before anyone tries to say I'm twisting things and changing the narrative," I continued, "I'm not. I'm not even Japanese, I'm American. My parents and I, we were visiting for an annual trip. I have never seen them since. And based on the others in the lab, I can say with certainty most of us are foreigners. I'm European-American. Zharata is Chinese. Rullo is Italian. Sayovai is Northern African. Agno is Greek. It's like the best display of diversity, and it's a lab to use people as experiments against their will."

I stomped my foot, and a giant black spike shot up from the floor, and went back down just as quickly with a zap of electricity. "See that?" I asked the audience. I snapped and the scenery around all of us changed from a giant concert-like venue into a massive ballroom, then pitch black darkness with perfect lighting so people didn't freak out as much, then a giant room resembling those each experiment series was held in.

"All of this is real. It's not fake, like my publicly known power, Illusion. This is one of the powers that was forced upon me," I said. The ceiling opened and all of the scenery swept itself back to me from under all of the attendees. I waved my hands and an array of knives appeared over my head, and with one sharp gesture all of them hit the stage floor below me, leaving massive slits in it as they disappeared into a mist.

"I was one of many, my experiment series was all about testing how many separate powers the human body could withstand, he didn't care about ethics or anything, some people got their genetic code changed through painful processes that took months, he never cared and didn't even recognize me when I joined one of the groups of trainees. He didn't care, he oversaw it, I was part of it, I watched it, at least 2 people died in my specific line of experiments and I saw so many more. At least 20 people died while I was there!" I shouted.

Then everything I'd been saying hit me like a truck. I struggled to keep my breathing under control. Thousands if not millions of people, if not the entire country heard my claims just now, no doubt almost everyone was watching the live broadcast with me as the center of attention.

Keep your cool, all of this is on you now. Amongst the sea of shocked faces I had to remember where my friends were, and they were smiling, still sending me loving gestures and mouthing phrases meant to calm me.

"I'm not kidding when I say I wouldn't be here right now on this stage telling basically the whole country what he did to us if not for my friends and teammates. Don't think the absurdity escapes me either. But I know what I saw. And we saw him specifically during his annual trips to check on how the lab was running. His signature is on all the documents for the testing and experimentation of each and every one of us. He has to overview all of our files before signing off that we were an optimal next subject. And dammit, do I need to bring up that I was 9 again? Or how Rullo was 3?" I could feel the tears in my eyes forming, invisible to the public because of my mask. Another deep breath.

"I know everything I'm saying sounds horrific, and comes as a major shock to most if not all of you. But I ask you this. How do you think I felt when I finally escaped, no parents, no home, no connections, into the wide world of your country, and found out he was the face of goodwill here?" I said, voice beginning to shake. "And with that, no, I don't not believe he deserves to be titled as the number 1 hero. Thank you for listening," I finished.

I signaled to my friends I was done and handed back the microphone, but it took a bit for the announcer to register that I was done. I wasn't too surprised. After they took it, I walked off the stage and once I was down the steps and back in the crowd I rushed to the nearest exit, the announcer continuing on with the ceremony but none of the words reaching my ears.

"You did so well!" S ran up to me once I made it to the parking lot. I couldn't respond, my breathing was very obviously shaky. I was surprised it took that long and she wrapped me in a hug. I started to break down crying into her shoulder.

The others had spotted me soon after her and had made their way over. "Hey, that was really good, I'm so proud of you for being able to do that," CG reassured me. L gave me a hair ruffle, which was a lot for him, even if we were semi-close. "You did really good up there OV," K said with a smile.

"C-can… can we go bac-ck to th-the car?" I asked, trying to regulate my breathing again through my tears.

"Of course," CG told me. SG had stayed silent the whole time, but when S let me go to walk back she held out her arms like she wanted a hug and I let her give me a squeeze.

K laughed while walking back, "I'd send everybody a text but it looks like they know already." I gave a small giggle, as did the others. He typed something on his phone, and I felt mine buzz in my pocket so I guess he sent something anyway. I hadn't realized then, but thinking back it was buzzing several times throughout the honoring.

I don't know if it was out of courtesy or stress, but I didn't exactly remember any notifications during my speech. I'd have to look but I was so grateful already if they did.

We walked back to the car, which was spacious since it had to fit 5 passengers with the driver, and I was both happy for the space next to me and the ability to lean on the shoulder of one of my friends. And I had a lot to process.

I finally did it. Everybody knew. Now we had to wait for the public execution. Either me, or him. And I don't think I was ready to deal with any of that right now, right now I just needed to sink into the comfort of my friends, lulled to sleep by my drained energy and the gentle vibrating hum of the car around me. If only sleep would actually come for me.

[oblivionscribe]

I’ve been sick the past few days with an awful cold but I’m trying to get some things prepared for Thursday so I don’t have to stress at all. Ugh, I hate being sick, my head is al mush and it’s hard for me to focus on a task for long because my focus just isn’t there? Ugh, I feel so awful.

Doesn’t help that today is the 13th anniversary of my Almost Death Day, so my mood is down the shitter. All I wanna do is space out and let time drift by but that’s not an option and it’s why I try to make Thanksgiving more than it ever deserves to be because I lived when I should have died and I’m a skeptic and don’t believe in a higher being but I must admit I don’t know how the fuck I survived this night all those years ago. Coughing up blood, both legs busted and bleeding out with nothing but shock keeping me partially conscious. It makes me think I cheated death and someday I’ll have to pay up.  

So, forgive me if I take the next few days to just exist as a dissociative blob. Cal’s birthday is this Sunday and I plan to make it nice for them, that’s all I’m trying to push forward for. 

[sappho-favourite-pupil]

I don't know who needs to hear this, it's probably not necessary, but i want to say it anyway: if your partner(s) has toxic and/or abusive behaviours when you're having sex, you should not have sex with them. It might seem obvious, but the truth is it is not obvious for everyone. It wasn't obvious for me.

Especially if you told them and they still refused to stop doing that specific thing, trust me, just don't. You might convince yoursef to have sex with them more often, believing and hoping it will be different this time. But the truth is, the experience in itself will be awful, and after that you will feel even worst, and that may even turn into some sort of trauma.

All of this to say that feeling like you need to "keep up", may be even more hurtful than your partner(s) actually trying to coerce you or manipulate you into having sex. It doesn't matter how much you love them and want to please them: it's never worth it, disrespecting your own boundaries and will trying to make someone else happy.

You do not owe your partner(s) sex. I mostly see this passed around in the asexual community, and it absolutely needs emphasis there, but this applies to anyone of any orientation. You never owe your partner(s) sex under any circumstance.

If your sex drive or libido is lower than your partner’s, you may feel obligated to “keep up” with them to make them happy. But you have a right to say no, or not be in the mood, or be too tired, or just not want to right now. Your partner(s) should respect your right to say no and your bodily autonomy.

If your partner(s) try to harass, manipulate, or coerce you into having sex when you say no, they’re an asshole. Having said yes in the past does not mean you can never say no. It is not your responsibility or obligation to provide sex. You do not need to violate your own boundaries to make someone else happy. Your partner(s) should respect your right to say no, and if they don’t, they don’t deserve you.

Your body belongs to you, and you decide what’s best for your sexual health. Happy Pride