#tw for suicidal thoughts and trauma

[rainywhispersblog]

[hamoodmood]

[ghostvibesonly]

wait odysseus is suicidal wait he was really gonna end his life the way he ended the infant’s wait the only people who’ve called him ody are those who hurt him badly/betrayed him wait “let me close my eyes” parallels penelope and telemachus begging him to “keep your eyes open” wait wait calypso was trying to talk him down and “stay in my open arms” unintentionally triggered the memories/hauntings of polites, eurylochus, his mom, etc wait wait athena held baby telemachus wait wait athena is dead?? wait wait wait

[dykedvonte]

Curly not immediately punishing Jimmy for assaulting Anya is something I don’t think a lot of people are viewing in the complex context for Curly as the superior to both of them and closest confidante they had.

Like I am in no way saying he didn’t under react or fail Anya by not being harsh or direct with Jimmy but it really is the case that he really couldn’t. Imagine being stuck in such a confined space with very little areas to genuinely hold someone if they commit a crime. It’s not like this was an event that occurred before they departed or that they have easy communication with The Pony Express to ask for how to proceed when something like this arises. Not to mention, Jimmy’s relative power in relation to Anya as the co-pilot and second in command, he has the knowledge and access to do something to her had Curly directly punished him in this setting.

They were also Curly’s friends. It’s not just the case of him mediating something between his subordinates but people he is personally invested in don’t want to see spiral further in Anya’s case while also not wanting believe his friend go that bad in Jimmy’s actions. They were both suicidal and Curly putting Jimmy’s stability first is both out of bias but also the fact he’s aware at some level Jimmy is a danger to himself and others if not constantly placated. Combined with the fact he was in denial or just not piecing together what Anya said it’s hard to say what he buying time for and what he had treat as urgent. This isn’t even saying he doesn’t care about Anya but he’s not going jump to the worst conclusions about his friends even if part of him acknowledges the evidence saying so. It’s a complicated thing but he’s still human and needed to process it on top of trying to keep a ship that already took on a lot of water from further sinking, metaphorically.

I just personally think that while Curly failed Anya, it was a scenario where there wasn’t much he could do to the best thing by her safely and like Jimmy, we are underestimating what a good leader would do in a very fragile and tense situation like he was in. By the time he may have been ready and had a plan, things were much too late.

[cruzdelcastillo]

🪚 chop chop chop 🪚

[amillionkilopascals]

i wish catholics understood that queer people are not welcomed in the church.

the most progressive pope in history still lambasts gender theory and gender-affirming surgery.

yes, there was some semblance of community in that space. but not for me, never for me. i was never whole, in church. the person i was in that space was always an empty shell, because i was forced to cut out my heart and insides and leave them at the door to come in.

now that i have freed myself, i am outside and whole and more joyful than i ever was in that space. can you begin to see how inviting me to subject myself to that again is not love?

i understand that you want the best for your queer ex-catholic friends. but listen to us and our experiences when we tell you about the selves we had to kill just to be accepted, and how we were only able to begin to accept and heal ourselves after leaving. i was told constantly that this desire, this part of myself, my very heart, was sinful, that it had to be culled. can you begin to see why this led me to believe i was better dead than alive?

please understand this, before you ask. that is all i request.

[fxckthisshit]

[changelingcatharsis]

[aftgficrec]

Hi! I was wondering if you know of any fics that explore the friendship between Andrew and Kevin? Especially how they became close after Kevin came to the Foxes with a broken hand. I just think their friendship is so interesting, and I am so curious about how it started. Thank you!

@lynntjeeee and @sayonara-you-weeaboo-shits: These asks overlapped, so we combined them and separated fic types with subheads. The last ones under ‘you may also like’ don’t fit neatly but still hold the main ideas found in pre canon Kevin & Andrew stories. Unfortunately most are not very long. -A

also see:

‘a foxhole collection…’ Chapter 30 here

‘The gentle violence of loving you’ and ‘I Don't Know How to Breathe’ here

‘I came for the safety (stayed 'cause you made me feel)’ here

‘Searchlights’ here

‘Trust Me’ here

you may also like:

Andrew loving toward Kevin: friendship or kandrew here

Andrew & Kevin here

kandrew fluff & smut here

Kevin centric here

‘breaking every finger, praying that it makes me clean’ here 

‘do you care?’ here

‘Have a Kevin of the day’ Day 2 here

‘They All Burn the Same’ here (updated)

‘a lot's gonna change’ here

‘splinters beneath our nails,’ ‘Not again,’ and ‘Reasons’ here

‘Just Short Of A Fairy Tale’ here

‘the prince in the raven tower’ here

‘white soap’ here

‘Pieces of Ideas for Works’ ch 12 (also ch 43) here

‘Cross the Board and Crown Yourself Queen’ here

Rescue Me by Demiwitchwoodwalker [Rated T, 4564 Words, Complete, 2022]

Part 1 of Someone(s) To Stay, part 2 here 

“I can protect you, from him and yourself,” Andrew said in a tone Kevin couldn’t quite place after a long moment filled with nothing but the muffled noise of the game playing on Kevin’s laptop. “I can help you stay instead of running further or back.” Kevin stared at him then, finally letting himself actually look at him, and the same feeling from before returned, feeling like a hand clenched itself around his lungs and heart. He pushed his laptop closed, the game’s audio abruptly cutting off, and turned slightly to face Andrew, whose expression had shifted back into the grin that seemed to constantly be present in the day and whose eyes looked almost dead. Kevin’s lips parted, words rising in the back of his throat, but he couldn’t get them past his tongue. How was he supposed to do this? The memory of Andrew the night before floated through his mind again, when he was as close to sober as he could get, more vulnerable than Kevin felt he’d ever seen a person despite the fact that Kevin was the one halfway through a breakdown. "Why?" --- Aka, how Kevin and Andrew make their deal. (Potential triggers are listed in the tags, please be careful!)

tw: self harm, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced suicidal thoughts

broken wings by diabolicalandderanged [Rated G, 4625 Words, Complete, 2023]

Highlights of the year Kevin Day joins the Foxes as assistant coach!! Including: making the deal, meeting Wymack and taking down Riko

tw: implied/referenced abuse

Escape by 38booksonmyshelf [Rated T, 3430 Words, Complete, 2023]

The night Riko broke his hand, Kevin's only thought was that he had to get out. He went to his father.

tw: implied/referenced abuse

From Bones and Ashes by ScriptaManent [Rated T, 3006 Words, Complete, 2023, Locked]

Kevin has a mental breakdown during the weeks following his injury. He’s “safe” with coach Wymack but he can’t do anything, he can’t even hold a fucking glass and it pisses him off. He knows Riko is out there, looking for him (well, not yet, but he knows he will eventually). Kevin drinks to forget but his mind keeps going back to Riko, to that night when he broke his hand and when Jean collected him, to that night he got out of Evermore without looking back, and to that night he knocked on Wymack’s door, a living mess barely able to think straight. Then, without even a knock on the door, a first glimpse of hope manages to get him back to the surface, at least for a while.

tw: violence, tw: assault

take off your clothes and disappear by lackingsoy [Rated T, 3075 Words, Complete, 2020]

They recognize each other from the start. A yes, a no, and a maybe between Day and Minyard.

tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced violence, tw: alcohol, tw: medication addiction, tw: withdrawal 

Silver Crimson Black by sweetlikesugar [Rated T, 1076 Words, Complete, 2019]

Kevin can barely stand. He keeps swaying from side to side, vision blurry. Whether it’s sweat or tears he doesn’t know, and he doesn’t want to know. All he knows is the sickening rage, boiling and curling like a poisonous snake. He’s mindless with it, he’s feral with it.

TWO. by mostly_maudlin [Rated T, 2944 Words, Incomplete, Updated June 2024]

The Foxhole Court is the only place in South Carolina that makes sense to Kevin, but it lacks the discipline, rigor, and partnership that kept him grounded for years. Over four nights at the court in the spring of 2006, Kevin attempts to recreate the only life he knows how to live.

tw: implied/referenced abuse

oh icarus how do you fall (so hard and so pretty) by wxltedrxses [Rated T, 1008 Words, Incomplete, Updated Feb 2022]

An analysis of the rise and fall of Kevin Day

tw: alcohol abuse/alcoholism, tw: implied/referenced abuse

don't want no other shade of blue but you / no other sadness in the world will do by snnycarisi [Rated G, 1713 Words, Complete, 2024]

For just a moment, he could pretend that this man was Jean, that they were both free to do something as frivolous as go dancing, that they were both free at all. He imagined that those were Jean’s hands on his waist, Jean’s breath on his neck, Jean’s body heat making his cheeks colour. That Jean would even want this — want him — after everything he’d done was possibly the biggest fantasy of all. --- After a drunk encounter with a stranger at Eden's Twilight, Kevin calls Jean.

tw: implied/referenced abuse

tfc!written word au by @unkingly [Tumble Fic, 2016]

in a world where what someone believes about you is written on your skin, Andrew and Kevin make their deal.

Andrew & Kevin hc by @filippa-kosta [Tumblr, 2018]

I want to talk about the significance of Andrew & Kevins relationship bc tbh I think it's devalued and misinterpreted a lot, despite the fact it's hugely significant to the series, vital to the plot, & important to Neil

andrew and kevin’s individual recovery arcs… meta by @ketterdamns [Tumblr, 2017]

kandrew/kandreil:

Make Me Believe That You Need Me Most by sambutwithbooks [Rated E, 10598 Words, Complete, 2022]

The problem was that Kevin expected exy to be enough.  Most people went through life without finding a calling, without a modicum of the talent Andrew had and still found ways to live normal, fulfilling lives. Exy- and the comfortable life it offered- should have been enough to tempt and satisfy any rational person.  And maybe that was his first mistake- believing that Andrew was a rational person. 

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced alcohol abuse/alcoholism, tw: explicit sexual content

Take me as I come (or discard me like the rest) by elias_day [Rated M, 9675 Words, Incomplete, Updated Dec 2022]

Kevin’s breathing picks up. “What would you take for your protection?” “It’s not like you can offer much,” Andrew says. It’s true. What could a broken man like Kevin Day offer him? A man crippled by fear, someone without the backbone to stand on his own feet? Nothing. He could give Andrew nothing. “You’re wrong.” ___ Kevin never thought he could keep his end of the deal with Andrew. Turns out in the end, he did. Only not in the way he thought. A.K.A pre-canon KANDREW turned post-canon KANDREIL with lots of pining and emotionally repressed lack of communication

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: nightmares, tw: vomit, tw: ptsd, tw: recreational drug use

What is love when it's never fully consumed? by CamilleDuDemon [Rated T, 10522 Words, Complete, 2021]

5+1 significative moments in the relationship between Andrew and Kevin, before and after Neil Josten's sudden arrival at Palmetto State University.

tw: medication addiction, tw: implied/referenced abuse

Temperature of Healing by ReeseMH [Rated M, 5482 Words, Complete, 2024]

Kevin Day, picked up by Andrew Minyard, hand broken and eyes glossed over because he is dead. There is nothing for him, and he doesn't even remember using his good hand to dial that number, coughing up blood before he could tell Andrew where he was. He didn't even know where he was going but the lights of the highway are pretty, and even though he is dead... he's not alone for it.

tw: major character injury, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: anxiety, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon

invisible machinery by grainpatron380 (onesourfish) [Rated T, 2445 Words, Complete, 2020]

Andrew drags his mouth southward and doesn’t bother with apologizing for imagined horrors or future ones. Doesn’t bother to say, I won't, I couldn’t, I would never do something like that to you. Can't promise it. Months before Neil arrives at PSU, Kevin has a nightmare. Andrew questions him.

tw: nightmares, tw: violence, tw: implied/referenced abuse

I Am Ready Now by IKnowWhoYouAre_Damianos [Rated M, 6477 Words, Complete, 2019]

The problem is, he doesn’t hate him. He wants to. Wants to hate this monster so badly, wants to feel the urge to kill him like Andrew does, wants to drive out to West Virginia and waltz onto the court, choking Riko to death until his eyes turn from black and white to red, his skin from tan to blue. But he can’t. Kevin thinks about his relationship to Riko when he was still at the nest. He thinks he's falling. But someone will catch him this time. Can he let go?

tw: domestic violence, tw: explicit sexual content, tw: assault

kevin day prefers the night by thewintersolstice [Rated T, 3027 Words, Complete, 2021]

Part 1 of aftg: everything's the same except kandreil's real, duh. series

Months after breaking his hand and arriving at Palmetto State, Kevin's still struggling with leaving Evermore and Riko's still got a ghostly grasp on him. Andrew takes him for a drive. “Snap out of it,” Andrew says, simple again like it’s easy, and pushes hard fingertips into his skin until finally, finally Kevin can breathe, can fight the sick roll of his stomach and he shuts his eyes, focuses on the warmth of Andrew’s palm until it’s gone again. He pulls away and Kevin hears the press of the bed as he stands up. “Let’s go.”

Oh Captain, Let’s Make a Deal by takitalks [Rated M, 3690 Words, Complete, AFTG Mixtape Exchange 2023]

An exploration of Kevin and Andrew navigating this stand off pre-canon, with a sprinkle of getting together.

Broken promises by ok555 [Rated M, 10783 Words, Incomplete, Updated June 2024]

Kevin doesn't know if he will ever forgive Andrew for what he did to get information about Neil on their ride to Baltimore. What will Andrew do to try and win his forgiveness? Will he even care? Andrew doesn't believe in regret, but what if just this once he does?

tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: depression

you may also like:

higher ground by darkoceanbottom [Rated T, 6085 Words, Complete, 2021]

Kevin Day and identity.

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: canonical character death

Roaring Like Beasts Full Of Rage by Sashe [Rated E, 30713 Words, Incomplete, Updated June 2024]

The PSU Foxes' luck takes a turn when they take in the Raven's injured goalkeeper Andrew Doe. Andrew isn't exactly happy to be there, treated as a spectacle by the media, an outcast by his new team and a let down by the family that never wanted him. He's especially not happy about the new striker recruit, who no one else seems to think is supicious. or Roleswap canon divergent where Raven!Andrew has a broken hand and Wymack has been raising Kevin.

tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: implied/referenced psychological abuse, tw: implied/referenced drug addiction, tw: panic attacks

The Truth Hurts Worse by mcmeasle [Rated T, 2742 Words, Complete, 2024]

Kevin chattered on as Andrew opened the door and tuned out the cadence of his voice, Kevin’s full attention on Andrew. Immediately, Andrew locked on to the man with bright red hair sitting in his desk chair, feet thrown on top of the desk with ankles crossed, tapping an impressive looking knife blade over his fingertips. “Welcome home,” the stranger said cheerily, a sharp smile wending its way onto his lips, icy blue eyes locked onto Andrew. —- Or Butcher!Neil makes a house call

tw: violence, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon

decline of the empire by drewdrugs [Rated T, 1507 Words, Complete, AFTG Mixtape Exchange 2024]

Kevin embraced the idea that, even he had never been taught by his father, he was learning to lose now. The structures of his coliseum were crumbling and there was nothing that could be done to stop it. This time, Andrew couldn't do anything for him. Or at least that's what he believed.

tw: recreational drug use, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced self harm

NB: this last one is the culmination of Kevin & Andrew’s deal from the very beginning

Interesting by ashestoashes7 [Rated T, 6632 Words, Complete, AFTG 2024 Olympics]

Andrew decided to make the Exy Olympic Finals more interesting. No one else knew what to do with that, not even his own teammates, but Andrew and boredom was a recipe for the unexpected. After all, it was not every day a goalkeeper slammed the ball down the court and bathed the opposition in red.

[weaverpop]

I like both yours and that anon hc about Wukong unhealthy habits of eating

Hc: Wukong sometimes melt copper and drink it as be thought he deserve it :3

Tw angst and self harm, and mentions of PTSD and suicidal thoughts.

NOOOOOO MY HEART WHYYYYYYY

Poor Wukong, I can absolutely see him doing this as a self harm tactic, while it also acts as a triggering agent forcing back into a trauma attack.

Lord knows how many times this dumb Monkie has done this. He tries and manages to hide it from his partners for a while, but I imagine after a bad argument with macaque Wukong just… can’t take the idea of him or the others leaving. He’s so low mentally (especially after finding out that he can’t carry at all because he’s basically sterile, and only has a small chance of having a baby with others.) that something in him just needs a release every one in a while.

It’s Erlang who catches Wukong in the act, and despite the others garbled protests immediately gets him to the celestial ER.

The aftermath isn’t pretty.

Jing, who has much experience with such things himself and is very aware of the mental state Wukong was likely in, immediately orders that Wukong be placed on suicide watch. Macaque is told this via Syntax, and rushes over. Of course, Jing tells Nezha who tells mk and-

Soon everybody knows and shows up and is concerned. Jing actually has to hold Mk back from seeking out Wukong because of how distressed he was, and Wukong couldn’t be upset right now.

Jing has to explain the others that this likely isn’t something new, and tells them it’s gonna be a minute before they can see him. They leave reluctancly, but Jing promises to pass on the fact they were here.

Wukong just wants to go home.

(All this took place before Erlang got preggo)

[idolomantises]

I think I’m gonna discuss this once and hopefully never have to bring it up again. Originally I wanted to talk about it on Twitter but people are very disrespectful when it comes to mental health so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Basically, I haven’t been doing so great, mentally. Nothing bad has happened to me, I’m safe and surrounded by people I care about, and it’s been like that for months. I just, I haven’t been feeling good.

For people who do follow me on accounts like Twitter and Instagram, you may have noticed I haven’t posted anything new since January. I was struggling to feel motivated to make something for my main accounts despite having countless ideas I’d love to work on. I feel better now and do plan on getting something done in March, but that sudden lack of motivation is pretty rare for me. Art is not only my job but a big hobby for me, I just love drawing. I did get some nsfw art done at least.

I don’t know what really prompted my mental health decline, I’ve been getting a few worried messages and fanart because someone insulted my art. But that didn’t hurt me at all, it actually boosted my account and patreon.

I guess I just… got sad?

I have a really bad tendency to suppress and even ignore my trauma and feelings of guilt. And I guess one day I really sat with my thoughts and I just, lost it I guess. I have so much traumatic memories and sudden and intense feelings of self loathing, something I’ve never felt in almost a decade, that it got overwhelming. I couldn’t reassure myself, I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it because how do you confront things that happened years ago? You feel almost irrational. It’s just memories that haunt you, it’s nothing physical or tangible and yet it’s a crushing feeling of anxiety, self hatred and resentment.

I was crying almost every day, and crying so much that my eyes kept hurting long after I was done, and I could barely see my own screen. I’ve had paranoid thoughts about myself and others, thoughts I can’t get into because they’re so deeply irrational. I was feeling suicidal urges and thoughts of self harm. I don’t see myself doing it, but it’s so frequent and overwhelming it’s like I’m already planning my suicide note.

I was talking to my therapist about it, that I was starting to hate being alive. That I hated living. That I could spend the next 50 years of my life with no more conflict or trauma and I’d still be in intense misery and turmoil. They’re feelings I couldn’t really bring myself to tell friends about because what could they say? How do you calm yourself down and reassure yourself. I can’t even talk about my trauma verbally without crying. And it’s funny because sometimes minor irks started to affect me negatively. I was feeling anxious about what to draw because I didn’t want to do deal with homophobic backlash.

I went to a therapist, I talked to friends, Ive been working out more and eating better, I did everything I should do to improve my mental health and all of a sudden a single night just sitting in my room destroyed everything I was slowly building up over the past 5 years.

It’s been really difficult for me. I think also, I just felt so much guilt over not being the best person I could be. I decided to lessen my online usage, not just for my mental health but because I really wanted to work on being a better person. I want to stop hating myself and letting my trauma push me down and I want to do just be better and do better as a person. A lot of people have been very forgiving and kind to me but I don’t feel like it’s enough and I want to do more and I want to feel better about myself. I want to give everything I can to people around me. I’ve been going to therapy a lot more lately and things are getting better for me, but it’s been a very slow process.

I just want to repeat that nothing serious has happened to me. Nobody attacked me in a way that negatively affected my health. A lot of people, friends and strangers have been really nice to me these past few months. I just was doing a lot of self reflecting and unintentionally forced myself to confront a lot of my trauma. I’m saying trauma a lot. I don’t want to get into depth about what I endured because it’s my business but people who do know me know how bad things were for me. I don’t want to feel like that again. I want to feel better, and I want to do better.

Sorry for the long read. That’s just how I feel.

[hamoodmood]

[diveintomydream]

Im one hundred percent sure that one day im gonna kill myself.

[fungus-no69]

I title this one the weird ass clown guy i found under my shoe

They a bit (a lot) unhinged

[happyk44]

Just. Thinking about Percy who wants to die and would willingly kill himself if he ever got to that point versus Jason who wants to kill himself but can't because suicide is dishonourable so instead he'll just go through dozens battle after battle and hope he gets an injury that will cure all his problems versus Hazel and Nico who don't want to die because there is so much to live for but would be content to sacrifice their lives if they had no other choice because they do not fear death

Like I'm just. Rotating that in my head on repeat right now and feeling THINGS about it. I mean Percy is always on the lookout, waiting and fearing for the overflow that'll make him turn Riptide on himself, because it's not an "if, it's a "when", he knows it in his gut it's just a matter of time, and Jason is always prickling with an unending internal distress he doesn't understand because what even are emotions and campers cheer him on as he seeks out worser and worser monsters, no one ever knowing he's holding back screams when the battle ends and he's still alive, no life-threatening incurable injuries to land him in the underworld forever and then there's Hazel and Nico, who both have suffered so much, dealt with so much heartache and pain, as though the Fates themselves had been told that children of Hades, children of Pluto, are not supposed to live and be happy, but nonetheless they carry on, air in their lungs, heart pumping, knowing that the world has so much to offer and there is always something to do, even if that's extending your help, your life, to others.

[fxckthisshit]

I miss that wounds. I wanna cut again.