#trying to get all the different teams responsible for different areas of my health to communicate with each other is like pulling teeth

[dogbunni]

being Unwell™ really fucking sucks bc what do you MEAN I can't get top surgery bc my blood pressure is that of dropping a mentos into a 2l bottle of coke and then screwing the lid on real tight??????? my titties though???

[bluejukebox]

somewhat damaged - ghost x reader ˚₊⊹

The 141 Task Force gets their own special combat medic, one who catches the attention of Simon "Ghost" Riley. ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚ warnings: NSFW !! MDNI !! afab reader, blood, stitches, unsafe sex, p in v, vaginal fingering, some dirty talk ☆

They were all huddled in Captain Price’s office when he proudly uttered the words : “We’ll be expecting a new addition to the 141”. Ghost couldn’t exactly say he was happy. He especially couldn’t when the captain was being extremely vague about this ‘new addition’. It wasn’t a secret that Ghost was absolutely horrible with new people, the walls he’s built for himself standing strong and high. Maybe it was a territory thing or maybe a textbook case of trust issues, he wasn’t sure. All he knows for sure is that his ‘distrusting of people’ habit gave him a not so positive reputation around base. His intimidating figure, mannerisms and appearance scared people off, which he definitely prided himself on. He knew that the other members, specifically Gaz and Soap, would try and force information out of Price by continuously whining, so Ghost decided to sit back and observe, per usual. 

“C’mon cap, ya can give us a lil’ bit more than that can’t ya?” Soap immediately perked up from his chair.

Price shut his eyes out of annoyance. “MacTavish, don’t start.", with a deep sigh he continued “If I had more crucial information about her I would’ve already given it, don’t you think?”

“Her?” Gaz and Soap both astoundedly said. Even this little detail caught the Lieutenants attention. He’s worked with numerous women before, to him the sex of a person isn’t a problem as long as they keep to protocol and know what they’re doing. The Task Force 141 would occasionally team up with other ‘groups’, like the Shadow Company, but new members being assigned was rare. 

With yet another deep sigh the captain continued speaking. “Yes, her. She’s a very reputable combat medic. As you all know there’s been some staff shortages in the medical area around here”, he said while cutting the tip of yet another cigar. “- and trust me I know how stubborn some of you guys get about getting your injuries checked out, don’t even try to deny it. In my professional opinion I think she’ll be a valuable asset to our Task Force, you’re all dismissed”. He waved his cigar clad hand towards the boys to signal them to get out. 

Not even a second after Ghost leaves the office he hears the scot rambling on, “Ya hear that LT? A lady, I wonder what the lass is like”.

Ghost frowned beneath the mask, he had expected Soap to be more concerned with the girl’s gender and less her combat abilities and medical skills, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. All he gave in reply was a grunt while he strided back to the ‘dormitory wing’. 

As he left the area he heard the loud discussion between the members about the new mystery combat medic, but it wouldn’t be until a couple weeks later that you’d arrive. 

And god, Ghost was troubled, These complicated, strong feelings all started the second you stepped foot in the base… 

The contrast between you and him was astonishing, you were so vastly different from him. The bubbly personality, and the cute shy way you had introduced yourself to the Task Force really caught his attention. You’re a proper pretty woman, with a very nice physique that was obviously trained hard for. Safe to say he was interested, though he’d never admit this outloud. The man isn’t known for being in touch with his feelings and definitely isn’t known for accepting intimacy, but that’s somehow exactly what you got him to do.

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

It was a rough mission, bad intel all around, your ears still ringing from all the shooting, explosives, the deafening sound of jet fighters flying close to the ground and projectiles. But the numerous injuries needed tending, the severity of them varying was your responsibility, you needed to focus. You needed to mend their wounds and nurse them back to health. 

It was a close call but you all got to safety, hiding out in a little safe house far enough from where all the chaos was unfolding. You immediately got to work, readying your supplies and putting on some gloves to maintain the little hygiene you could. Firstly you treated the wounds that called for the most attention, which thankfully weren’t life threatening if they get proper treatment back at base. After the emergency operations on numerous bullet grazes, scrapes, cuts and bruises the group was finally able to rest their eyes for a moment. 

They all scattered off, sounding grunts and hisses of pain. That’s when you realized there was one person you hadn’t mended to, Ghost. Your eyes lifting to find his, you found him looking at you with his brown eyes, his masked head quickly turning back to observe the treeline outside the window. 

“Someone’s gotta keep watch, you can go take a break” He heavily grunted, exhaustion evident in his gruff voice. “Are you okay? I-I’m here to help, I want to help you”, You frowned, disappointment unmasked in your response. Ghost could feel his heart skip a beat, he couldn’t even remember the last time someone spoke to him the way you did, the feelings you gave him were clouding his judgement. “I’m fine love, go rest up”

That nickname always got the blood rushing to your face, time and time again. You already were a shy person, the guest free and welcoming nature of the members of 141 didn’t change how intimidating they all were to you. But hearing the endearing nickname come out of his mouth, with his extremely attractive accent and voice, it was a no-brainer that you started developing feelings (and fantasies) for the man.  You thought you hid it pretty well, the way you’d become bashful when he spoke to you, the way you’d stutter your replies back. Obviously you didn’t, the others caught on pretty fast. It quickly became a huge trend in the 141 to tease you about your schoolgirl crush. Soap calling you ‘Mrs Ghost’ when you were alone or the looks they’d send your way when the lieutenant would lift the hem of his shirt to tap away the sweat droplets at the juncture of his neck during training. Even Captain Price joined in, it positively mortified you.

It was hard not to be intrigued by the skull mask, the skull sewn onto a balaclava, white paint replacing the place where the mandible would’ve been. There was obviously a lot of thought put into it, maybe love you wondered. Ghost wasn’t one of the youngest men in the military, it was safe to assume he had a partner and family waiting at home. That's why the late night fantasizing about the lieutenant made you feel guilty and gross, and the innocent crushing foolish.

“Alright, the offer still stands. Would it be okay if I stay here, with you?” The grunt you got in response was enough affirmation for you, quickly finding a spot to settle down and silently thanking the gods for the blankets that were still stored in the safehouse. Slowly you dozed off, exhaustion from the day weighing down on you and pulling you down into a light slumber. 

You were awoken by muffled hisses of pain, lifting your head from your makeshift pillow and trying to locate the sound which you quickly found. There was Ghost, stripped from his usual heavy gear, instead sporting a grey t-shirt, awkwardly stitching up what looks like a very deep bullet graze on his left bicep. Your shifting must’ve alerted him because his head shot to where you were resting. He knew he was caught.

“Oh, Ghost.." you sighed “You could’ve told me atleast, it’s my job you know” 

“Didn’t wanna burden ya”, he muttered after a pregnant pause looking properly defeated. He dropped the needle and thread. Slowly you got up from your prone position, standing up to stretch your legs. Cautiously you sauntered over to where he was sitting. “Well you can’t possibly burden me, and definitely not when you’re hurt and in need of assistance” You smiled, your presence truly calmed him. But the way you cared, the way you talked awakened something deeply buried in him, you were so confusing to him, a mystery. 

As you got closer to him, you settled down against a nearby chair. “Can I help you now?”, to which he only nodded. Carefully you placed your hands on his forearm, your touch making him jump.

“Sorry, my hands are pretty cold”, you bashfully said. 

That’s not why he jumped, he couldn’t even feel the temperature of your hands. Calling him touch-starved would be an understatement, the simple feel of your softer hands touching his tainted skin so gently made his blood rush down south. He felt so perverted, he was getting hard from you simply doing what you were assigned to do. 

You simply took over for him, disinfecting and stitching up his wound for him. In the amount of times he’d come to you for help you both felt the tension. It was undeniable, and this time it was the exact same. Even though the safehouse was chilly, even though you could see every exhale you felt flushed. Warmth spreading over your entire body, and pooling in your lower belly. You could barely sit still while tending to him.

“I’m almost finished” You whispered, your tone coming out more breathy than you had anticipated. The arm you were tending to tensed up, in fact his whole body tensed up. Suddenly the air around you both seemed to get heavier. He couldn’t help letting his thoughts transition over to a more inappropriate side of his brain. It wasn’t the first time his mind went there (certainly not the last). On lonely nights he’d have the image of you splayed in different positions, situations, outfits-  He was sure he looked a mess; clammy hands, a tense body sporting a semi. Praying to god his hard-on isn’t as visible as it feels, he wasn’t small by any means, nothing about him was. You both sat in silence waiting for you to finish up, noticeably your movements got more jittery and shaky. He saw the way you crossed your legs over one another in the corner of his eye. How your legs were squeezing together for some form of relief. He wasn’t sure if he was hallucinating or not, there could absolutely be no chance you were interested in him, no chance he was the reason you’re getting turned on. One of his specialties is observing people, there’s no way he never noticed the signs.. Now he was staring intently at your face, his body fighting against the urge to kiss you, mark you, push you to your knees- 

“All done” your cheery voice cut through his lewd train of thought. When your eyes met his, your body was uncontrollable, your hand that was patching him up slowly drifting over his bicep, over to the place where his shoulder met his neck. That was the last straw for Ghost. Gripping your waist and pulling you towards him, faces inches apart. He could feel you breathing, eyes shifting down to your plump lips, chapped from the cold. 

Suddenly your face showed uncertainty, which immediately made Ghost drop his hands from your body.

“Do you have somebody waiting for you at home? Please be honest with me”

“Oh love, I don’t, I promise I don’t”

You’ve never heard his voice sound so desperate, so warm and needy. With the vulnerability he’s showing to you right now there’s no way he’s lying. All you could do was give him your signature infectious smile, that was his queue to touch you again. When he started lifting up his mask, placing the hem of it on the bridge of his nose, you were absolutely mesmerized. His strong jaw with a slight stubble and plump lips were on display, all and only for you. 

Your hands sneaked from the juncture of his neck to his jaw, eyes flicking down to his lips and then back to his eyes. Faces inching closer, lips slightly touching but neither of you giving in.  Before your lips finally met, he grabbed a hold of the sides of your face and ground his lips on yours. He grunted into your lips which made you whine back into his. The kiss became more and more needy, hints of nips and licks. Now that he’s gotten a taste of you, he’s become insatiable. He doesn’t even want to imagine never feeling your lips on his again, you were intoxicating. The position you both were in wasn’t comfortable anymore, he manhandled you and made you sit on his left knee, your back to his chest and his knee resting comfortably between your legs. His lips now working his way down the right side of your neck, hands moving from your hips to your thighs. His touch was light, hands moving from your outer thigh to your inner, before gripping lightly and spreading them for you. Your thighs felt so sensitive, his touch made your body light aflame, nobody has ever had this effect on you.  

“Is this okay darlin’?” He spoke against your neck, if his accent didn’t make you crazy before, it definitely made you crazy now. 

“Yes, please don’t stop” you whispered, unfortunately you weren’t alone in the safehouse and you definitely weren’t hidden. All you got in response was a chuckle. His hands kept teasing you, noticing how sensitive you got when he caressed the insides of your thighs, when he got closer to where you needed him most. Slowly his hand inched towards your tactical belt. But you beat him to it, desperately unbuckling and removing it. Ghost could only watch in amusement.

He helped you with the button on your pants, he couldn’t wait to feel what a mess he turned you into. He’s been dreaming about this for weeks now, the way you feel, your taste, the sounds you’d make, all of it. His brain already working overtime to tuck the memories of your warmth, the sound of your voice and the taste of your lips safely tucked away in his brain. It’s something only for him. 

The zipper of your pants being pulled down sent your brain into overdrive. You were so horny, your clit throbbing, positively drenching your underwear. Without thinking you shifted your hips backwards, your butt being driven into Ghost’s arousal as well as your clit making contact with the surface of his thigh. Bunching the fabric of his pants up in your hands while barely being able to contain your whine. What you both were doing was taboo, him being your superior and all. If anybody found out there could be drastic consequences for the both of you, but he obviously couldn’t care less about that now, and honestly neither could you. 

“Take what you need love, god- you’re so beautiful, I can feel you through my pants”

Slowly you started rocking your hips back and forth, the friction and pressure just enough to relieve you even a little bit. Breath hitching at every pleasurable rock against him, he started helping you thrust your hips by guiding you with his hands on your hips. You swear you could cum from this, you were so sensitive. All the pent up energy and all the fantasies you’ve had about him weren’t helping. 

“I-I’m close”, you whimpered, fisting his pants even harder than before, positively stretching the material out. 

"Already? You’ll be a good girl and cum for me, won’t ya?” Your brain was clouded by lust. You couldn’t even detect the humorous mocking in his voice. Him praising you is what set you off, hips starting to rock in a frenzied rhythm trying to reach the climax heavily burning in your core. Ghost started rocking his hips into your ass, simultaneously pleasuring you even more, his mouth so close to your ear, licking and biting on the lobe. His heavenly moans, grunts and heavy breathing pushed you impossibly closer to the edge. 

The fire in your core burned brighter with every thrust of your hips against his thigh. Letting go of your hold on his jeans you stabilised yourself against his hands holding your hips. Your body tensed, you threw your head back against his shoulder and moaned a lot louder than you should’ve when the pressure finally released, the pleasure kept building and building in intensity, every muscle in your lower region tightening in a delicious rhythm. “Good girl,” he breathed out, you were moaning so prettily, he wanted to save every octave and tone you were making in his brain so he’ll never be able to forget. The slow grinding of your throbbing clit against him brought you back to earth from the best orgasm you’ve had in your life. When he saw you came down he started to rub your arms soothingly up and down. He started pulling you even closer to him, the pressure and warmth of his body on yours helped you come back to your senses.

“I-I’ve- nobody has ever done that to me”, you giggled, turning to look at him. Who would’ve thought his touch would be like magic. Your body felt like jelly, but somehow you still wanted more. “You’re so beautiful when you cum”, He said while brushing loose strands away from your face, his eyes staring into yours. It was so incredibly intimate, his touch so tender it was making you melt. His hand yet again wandering to your core, brushing over your shirt clad breasts and travelling down to your open zipper. His fingers found their way inside your pants, he could feel the warmth radiating off of you. The way his fingers immediately felt wet simply just touching you outside of the fabric of your underwear, you had to be dripping. Even the insides of your thighs were a little slick.

“God, doll, you’re so fucking wet”, he groaned out. All you gave back in response was a high pitched ‘mhm’ muffled by your lips. His cock throbbing at this discovery, the fact you were affected by him so badly was making him feel so self-assured, his ego positively growing. Everything about you was perfect to him. 

After caressing you for a while through your underwear he finally decided to put his hand in your underwear, the uncensored feeling of his skin on your sensitive flesh was better than you could’ve imagined. With no fabric in the way it felt twice as good as it did before, you felt him spread your labia with his fore- and middle finger, making you clench, another drop of wetness dripping out of you. His now lubricated fingers moved upwards and circled your clit, you whined and moaned at his actions.

“I want to fuck you so badly but I need to get you ready for me love, fuck- I’ll take care of you”

That’s all he said before his middle and ring finger dipped down to your opening, making sure they were covered plenty in your slick before sliding inside you. You were tight due to your recent orgasm. He stopped halfway, his hands being huge compared to yours, he knew you’d need some time to recover. 

You’ve never felt so desperate for somebody, it was consuming you. Every fiber of your being needed him, you needed him to go faster, to go deeper. You wanted him to mark you, for him to be yours, and you his. 

Your hands grabbed onto the arm that was busy pleasuring you, one palm slipping from his forearm to his hand, trying to push him deeper inside you. He hadn’t even touched you for 2 minutes and you were already close. He was going to be the death of you.

“Ghost- fffuck, go deeper, I need you”, you were shamelessly moaning now, the thought of the other members being inside the building pushed out of your brain by the mind blowing pleasure Ghost was gifting your body. 

“Call me Simon, love”

You chanted his name, feeling yourself yet again get closer to the edge, the knot in your stomach unraveling faster than you ever anticipated. You were gradually getting tighter and tighter around his fingers, it felt even better. The rhythmic rocking sent you into yet another overwhelming orgasm. 

Ghost felt you gush around him, the sound of your slick with every thrust was deafening. He had to do everything in his power not to cum in his pants. You were truly a dream come true to him. 

When you calmed down and he felt your walls around his fingers relax, they slipped out of you. Strings of wetness tied his index finger to his middle, even his palm was wet. He started working on getting you both undressed, quickly pulling off his hoodie and shirt. Seeing him strip had put you into action as well, quickly ridding yourself of your shirt. As you sat there, tits clad with a very tight and uncomfortable sports bra, you gawked at his physique. He was crafted by the gods, muscles so defined and sharp. The broadness of his shoulders were twice, maybe even triple, the size of yours. 

Reaching up to caress his gorgeous chest your hand accidentally slid over his nipple, making him let out a muffled moan. You wanted to make him moan like that more, you’d do anything to hear it again. Hands drifting to the line of hair that disappeared into his cargo pants, slipping even lower and caressing his bulge through the thick fabric. Your pupils dilated at the reactions he gave at every touch you gave him. He looked like a god so you wanted to worship him like one. 

Standing up with shaky legs you pushed your pants that were hanging low on your hips down to your feet. Now standing only in your undergarments in front of him. He wasted no time in ridding himself of his own pants. Relieving some of the pressure on his hard, throbbing cock. 

He was sporting a tent in his boxers, which was now very visible with the fabric of his thick pants gone. You just stared at it, you’ve been with men before but it’s been a while. He certainly was above average, a fact that matched the rest of his physique. You caressed your hands down his sculpted body, ghosting over his pecs down to the hem of his boxers. Wasting no more time you gently pulled the boxers down. He was uncut and leaking onto the fabric of his underpants, which made your mouth water. Everything about him was just painfully attractive, the sight of him sweating, legs spread with his cock out and head thrown slightly back to gaze at you was something you’d never forget. 

“We have to be quick love, it’s already dawn”, Ghost said. His left hand gripping the base of his cock and the other gliding from your waist to your ass, gripping and pulling you towards him until you were standing in between his legs. Both of his hands were now working on pulling your underwear down your legs with desperation. You knew he needed you on him, around his cock as much as you needed him. 

You wasted no more time and sat on his thighs, the air between you two heavy. Ghost gripped the base of his cock and rubbed the tip of him on your clit, before finally positioning it near the opening of your hole. His mouth was open, the man breathing heavily in anticipation.

“Love, ffffuck I need you. You still want me right?”, the arousal was dripping off of his words.

“Mhm, yes-yes please put it in me, I can’t wait any longer”,

His tip slid in slowly, you felt the muscles of your pussy accommodate him. The stretch brought a slight sting with it, you’re not used to fucking men with cocks as girthy and big as Simons. You moved your hips closer to Ghost’s, you felt the overwhelming feeling of wanting to be as close and connected with him as humanly possible. At your motions he let out a symphony of grunts and moans while squeezing your hips to contain his excitement, trying to hold himself back. 

“Please don’t hold back, I need you to fuck me dumb- Simon please”, and the second your words processed in Simons brain he broke. Pulling you completely on his cock until he was balls deep inside you, hips angling upwards so that you’d somehow feel even fuller than before. Gripping his shoulder and nape you started your movements with him, hips moving in sync. 

“Doll, you’re fucking made for me. Born to be my fuck toy, how -fuuckkk is it possible for you to feel this good?”, Ghost said with a strained voice. Hearing his words made your pussy clench even tighter around him, “Hah- you like that? Being mine?”, all you could do was whimper and moan pathetically in response. 

Both of you wouldn’t last long, Simon was already nearing his climax after not even being 2 minutes inside of you. His masked face was pushed into your neck, making you feel the vibrations of his moans and his heavy breathing. Suddenly he let go of your hips and slid his hands under your sports bra you were still wearing, pulling the bra up to expose your chest. He positively groaned when he saw your perfect tits. Bouncing in sync with the rhythm, the cold air hardens your nipples even more. 

“Ahhh- I can’t last any longer love, where do you want me?”, 

“Don’t pull out- don’t stop”,

Your cockdrunk response triggered his orgasm, his thrusts getting slower and deeper to ensure you’re fucked full with his load. Feeling him throb so deeply inside you was fueling your own oncoming climax. You started riding him fast and deep in desperation. You grabbed his hand and started using his fingers to rub your clit, he loved seeing you get off with everything he had to offer. 

Your hips got wilder and wilder, until finally your body shuddered. Gasping and moaning was all you could do, the orgasm seemingly never ending. The soothing motions of Simon caressing your back and him still circling your clit in slow circles helped you come back down to earth. 

Now the only noises in the room were the heavy breathing of you both recovering. Your head falling down on Simon’s shoulders while he soothingly pet your hair, his softening cock still inside you. He kissed you long and soft, you felt him still breathing heavily out of his nose. Finally departing from the sweet kiss, he pulled you close. His face was in your hair. Giving you kisses on top of your head. “Thank you, love. I really needed this”, he whispered.

“I- it was my pleasure, Simon”, you said bashfully.

“My cock is inside you and you’re still this shy?”, Simon laughed. You couldn’t help but join in, all the chaos that took place only a couple hours before momentarily forgotten. 

Simon felt truly at peace. Something he hadn’t felt in a very long time, nevermind this mind-numbingly powerful. After having a taste of you and all that you’ve made his cold heart feel, he wasn’t going to let you go easily. Not that you wanted him to anyways.. <3

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

this is my first fanfic! i'm european so i'm very sorry about my possible grammar mistakes :')) i also posted this on AO3 !

[hae-yeon]

340.Unanticipated Visitor

뜻밖의 방문객

We found a place to sit, at the top of a hotel building near the COEX center. Peace let out a small yawn from my lap. I dispelled my camouflaging Skill as no one would be able to spot us up here, and ate a spoonful of the beaded ice cream I’d snuck from the aquarium. I’d made sure to leave payment, of course. Though it probably would’ve just seemed like someone’s misplaced money.

“Don’t have too much, sir.”

Noah chided me as I dug the spoon back into the mound of roly-poly ice cream beads. Even after all the coaxing I’d done back at the aquarium after his whispered objection about how I shouldn’t eat it, I’d only been able to talk him into letting me get one cup.

“It’s not as though there’s much in here to begin with, in any case. Here.”

Telling Noah-ssi that he should try some too, I offered him a spoonful. Honestly, they were far too stringent with my dietary allowances as of late. Although it was true, that reduced snacking and eating three square meals a day was far better for your health.

“I’d been impressed by the Seseung Guild Leader’s fish tanks at the time, but an actual aquarium is on a whole different playing field, after all.”

I wondered what might’ve ended up happening with Sung Hyunjae-ssi’s housing situation, now that I thought about it. The apartment was only for temporary stay, and well, his original residence had completely collapsed in on itself. He probably had two or more back-up houses already for such a case, though, I imagined

“There really were very many fish.”

Noah said, a smile on his lips. We’d had to spend a bulk of our time avoiding fellow sightseers, but even then, we’d managed to cover a lot of ground. And sneaking around had been pretty fun, too. When a crowd of people was bearing down upon us, Noah would occasionally pick me up and fly us into the air. They’d be startled by the sudden gust of air sweeping over them, in those instances.

Just then, I got a text. It was from Min Sohan.

[ Would a part-time position be feasible as well? While I’m in school still. ]

Even though she’d acted as though she was completely disinterested, hmm.

[ Yes, that would be fine, miss. You’ve had a change of heart, it seems. ]

[ The terms were pretty good too, sir, but mostly because it wouldn’t stop bugging me, after all. ]

‘Because it wouldn’t stop bugging me’–did she mean Noah’s situation, perhaps? Or maybe she meant that she thought I might end up getting swindled. In any case, a part-time position would work just fine. After responding that she should go ahead and get in touch with the Haeyeon HR team, I turned to Noah.

“Min Sohan-ssi’s let me know that she intends to come work at the Rearing Facility as well.”

“The person we’d just met with, sir?”

“Yes. I suspect it’s due to Noah-ssi more than me, however.”

She might pretend otherwise, but she actually did enjoy taking care of people a fair bit. Min Sohan sent back an affirmative, and asked if part-timers were provided housing too. When I replied ‘yes,’ she said that a smaller pyong location would suffice, as it would be a pain to clean otherwise. I responded that she’d just need to keep the floor clear, and use a roomba. There were a lot of nice household appliances, after all. I should let her know to pick a place that came with a dishwasher and a compost disposal provided, and a recycling area within a convenient distance.(1)

Yoohyunie had attempted to go straight to incineration, when I’d groused a bit about how difficult it was to put out the trash for our house. The issue of landfills may have been just about solved with the appearance of Dungeons, but recycling was still important.

“She told me she plans on working part-time while still attending school–and come to think of it, Min Sohan-ssi’s school has a Hunter track, I believe. Noah-ssi, would you be interested in attending university next year?”

The last time I’d asked, I hadn’t been able to hear his response on account of events rapidly escalating.

“...I’m not sure, sir. Partly because I’ve been on and off again in my schooling as well.”

“But you attended up to the point you’d Awakened?”

Noah gave a small nod.

“I believe there shouldn’t be any issues, then. High-ranked Hunters are allowed to obtain an equivalency through Dungeon raid contributions, you see. You can hardly penalize the front-line responders when they’re doing their duty to deescalate a catastrophic situation, after all. Yoohyunie just about never attended classes after Awakening, either. Since protecting the country took greater precedence.”

I’d loitered around his school a few times regardless, on the off chance that I’d be able to run into him on his way to class–but we’d never crossed paths. When the situation had been far more dire, with all the Dungeon bursts going on, it was little wonder that an S-rank Hunter wouldn’t be permitted the leisure to do something like attend school. Back in the early days of Dungeon appearances, there had been so many school closures that whether or not the college entrance exams would still be held had even become a popular topic of discussion. The day before the entrance exams, there had been a lot of kids who’d come under fire for posting online that they hoped a Dungeon break would occur near the exam grounds.

“They still hardly attend class, as far as I’m aware. Though it’d be good for them to attend regularly, in my opinion.”

“...and yourself, Yoojin-ssi?”

“Hm?”

“The Breaker Guild Leader–she mentioned that it’d be good for you to have a degree under your belt too, sir. Are you planning to attend university next year as well, perhaps?”

“Ah… I had been considering putting in the effort to at least get accepted somewhere, for a start.”

I suspected that even if I hadn’t been intending to do so, I’d be forced to apply anyway. By Seok Shimyoung, in particular.

“I’d be willing to attend, if Yoojin-ssi enrolls as well.”

“But seeing as my only interest lies in getting the diploma, I doubt I would physically attend classes, though.”

I’d suggested Noah-ssi enroll because I’d wanted him to be able to experience an ordinary campus life, after all. And if Noah started attending somewhere, chances were that Kang Soyoung would follow on his heels–plus, if they ended up going to the same school as Sohanie, she’d look out for him as well. And where had Minnie enrolled, again. 

“If Yoojin-ssi attended classes, I expect that the Haeyeon Guild Leader would begin to show up as well.”

“That’s…….”

W-was that right. But, if I enrolled at the school Yoohyunie went to, that meant I would be considered his hoobae. Not that it seemed likely that Yoohyunie would want me to treat him as my sunbae, but still…….(2) What would a university lifestyle entail, I wondered. What knowledge did I even have about campus life, anyway. There were the festivals, and club activities, I guessed. 

“Well, at any rate–since I’ll be ‘enrolling,’ I’ll arrange to have your special admission processed at the same time, Noah-ssi.”

Soyoung-ssi would be delighted, I was sure. The two of them attending school together, it would certainly make for a dreamy picture. The ice cream had already disappeared, after what had felt like only a few spoonfuls. Noah checked the time, then pulled out a thermos from his crossbody bag. Ah, I should’ve saved the ice cream to have after my medication.

“Please don’t feel obligated to do so, as I’m only mentioning it since Noah-ssi already seemed to hold an interest.”

I said, taking the medicine that was handed to me.

“But would you be open to meeting with Team Leader Seok Shimyoung-ssi, perhaps?”

“By Team Leader Seok Shimyoung-ssi, you mean the Haeyeon Guild employee, sir? Seok Hayan-ssi’s uncle.”

“Yes. He’s particularly invested in Support-type Hunters, from what I’ve observed. For Noah-ssi to foray into championing the cause for Support-type Hunters on your own, will honestly be quite difficult. It’s only natural that it would feel impossible.”

When what he was aiming to accomplish was a type of social movement, it was undoubtedly going to be an arduous task. Many people had tried to tackle such issues–like race, gender, social hierarchy, and religion–over the course of time, but there were still many problems persisting to this day. Some places still even utilized caste systems, for example. 

And they were difficult problems to offer a perfect solution to, as well. Without everyone growing up to be mature, emotionally competent adults, there would always be a slippery slope to inadvertent discrimination present, particularly when there was a distinctive gap in skill or ability involved. It was why certain topics of discussion needed to be revived again and again, to try and instill progress bit by bit.

“Rather than trying to accomplish something right off the bat, it may prove more effective to get some thorough research done beforehand, first. As Sohan-ssi mentioned, you still have plenty of time, Noah-ssi. And you’re at an age where you’re still learning, to boot.”

“...I’ll think it over, sir. I’m still not sure what exactly it is that I’m trying to accomplish. It may turn out that what I actually crave is simply the ‘recognition’ that accompanies being an outstanding individual. As though ‘if I manage to do this, then I’m sure to receive praise’–that sort of thing. …even though it’s childish.”

“Well, there’s nothing wrong with that. I expect that’s how it starts out for everyone, in fact. No one out there hates receiving praise, after all. ‘You did well,’ and ‘how amazing’–everyone likes hearing those kinds of words.”

As for Seok Shimyoung, well, I was certain he would be immensely taken by Noah, in any case. I was actually slightly worried that he might try to sweet talk him into transferring to Haeyeon, in fact.

“...if you do decide to meet with Team Leader Seok, please make sure to tell me about it in advance. He’s fairly personable, but has a bit of a black heart, you see. And avoid meeting with him on your own, if possible. You can go with either Myungwoo or myself, or even Haminie. Or maybe one of the people you met today, like Seo Kyunghoon-ssi or Lee Yooshin-ssi, or Min Sohan-ssi.”

I’d need to give him a talking to in advance, too. That he shouldn’t get any ideas in his head about coaxing the kid over for his own agenda. He wasn’t someone who would intentionally do something incondonable to me, but just in case.

- - -

As expected, it was decided that out of Haeyeon Guild’s HR division, Seok Shimyoung would serve as the point person for the new hires intended for the Rearing Facility. They would receive training there first, then make the transition over to the Rearing Facility; or to the company building, to be precise. Since there was plenty of room available within the building, I’d had a new office space freshly installed for them.

[ I confess I held a number of reservations, sir, but the first impression I’ve had of them has all been quite positive. ] 

Seok Shimyoung said, going on to comment that ‘it was impossible to know the measure of a person’s character with only one interaction, but they appear to be of fine mettle nevertheless.’ Considering they were all people who had managed to stick it out by my side for a long time, that was only a given, of course. They were perseverent by default, unwavering in their principles, and wouldn’t be easily swayed by others’ words.

What more could you ask for, when it comes to competent persons. They were the finest examples of such a precious resource indeed.

‘Though I probably would have just thought them to be ordinary people, if I hadn't gone through the experiences I’d had with them.’

If I hadn’t gone through such hardships with them, had never lost them–I might have gone my whole life being none the wiser. To have those memories of my past that held such hurt and sorrow, return so transformed to me. It was a queer feeling.

“Our Sorokie’s grown a bit at last, hmm.”

While walking along the length of the first floor of the Rearing Facility, I stopped to give the baby reindeer’s white belly a rub. Sorokie enjoyed wandering around the inside of the building more than the exercise grounds, which had been configured to resemble a forest. Not that it meant he got more exercise; but the sound of his hooves clattering against on the flooring material was what appealed to him so much, it seemed.

- Baaa.

A fluffy black lamb flounced around Sorokie’s vicinity. It made it up quite high in the air, as though it were a little bouncy ball. They were different monsters, yes, but perhaps because they were both ungulates, they seem to get along quite well. Though it was mostly the little lamb trying to coax Sorokie into playing together, more than anything.

“I haven’t heard so much as a peep from your dad in quite a while. He did appear to be pretty busy lately, though.”

- Baaa.

“Should we just barge in, d’you think?”

- Baa.

He had a lot to be occupied with, what with the Dungeons suddenly changing and the situation with the lab, but communication with him was nearly impossible. And I’d already sorted things out with the Hunter Association, too. They’d wanted to do something like an official mount handing-off ceremony over live broadcast, but Section Chief Song-nim had turned it down. On account of being unable to accept a mount intended for him solely, he’d said.

“Unless we can drive home that you’re specifically his designated mount beast, with Section Chief Song-nim’s personality, he’ll just keep dodging the matter indefinitely. Maybe I’ll have to force the matter, after all.”

Since his personality also meant that, once it became his responsibility, he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to abandon it either due to his sense of duty. Once I had some free time on my hands, I’d have to plan an ambush.

I was attempting to haul Sorokie up when I felt a presence approaching. It was too early for it to be time for me to take my medication, so it wouldn’t have been Yoohyunie–who might it be, then.

“...huh?”

The person who had appeared before me was someone completely unexpected. A stunningly handsome face shone a smile my way.

“How have you been, Yoojinie hyung. It’s been quite a while, right?”

“Ah, yeah–yes.”

“Please, speak comfortably.”(3)

Bak Hayool said, smiling. …I’d completely forgotten about him. He was supposed to be in China, so had he’d returned, then. The person accompanying Bak Hayool was an A-rank Hunter from Seseung Guild. He was one of the people on guard duty rotation for the Rearing Facility this week; but why had he brought Bak Hayool in, I wondered.

“I escorted him inside as he mentioned he was on close terms with you, Director Han-nim, sir–and he was correct, it seems.”

“Eh? Ah, I suppose you could say that, in a fashion.”

Slightly startled, I looked at the A-rank with astonishment. You’d really just brought him inside because he said he was friendly with me, no questions asked? That was almost certainly against protocol, no? Usually, unless they already lived inside of the building, no one would be allowed within the building or past the connecting corridor without my being notified beforehand. 

“Thank you for your help~”

Bak Hayool thanked the A-rank Hunter. It was no problem at all, the A-rank Hunter said, smiling happily. …was he a fan of Bak Hayool, I wondered. His demeanor towards him had struck me as being–how should I put it–excessively indulgent. You weren’t supposed to allow your personal feelings to impede your professional work, in any case. I eyed the A-rank Hunter warily as he turned to leave. I’d need to contact Seseung, and let them know that he didn’t seem to be a reliable enough person to be on guard duty…….

“I’ve been hearing a lot of news about you, hyung!”

“Um…….”

Bak Hayool interjected, suddenly striding right up to me. Wow, he was incredibly good-looking. I didn’t even recall him being this handsome before–living in China had really agreed with him, it seemed. His facial features really drew you in.

“I was a bit saddened when you didn’t contact me, hyung.”

“Ah, I’m sorry about that.”

“Well, that’s alright. Out of curiosity, no one should be coming by, right?”

“Huh?”

“There’s a lot of S-rank Hunters that hang around hyung. Is anyone supposed to come by?”

Bak Hayool asked, looking straight into my eyes. His eyes were beautiful, too. They had this kind of sparkling quality to them, just like pearls. I wondered if he was wearing lenses.(4) The slate-colored hair he now sported complimented him immaculately as well.

“My dongsaeng, he’s supposed to come by in about two hours or so.”

“Ah, is that so? So you’re generally by yourself for the most part, then.”

“Since there are a lot of people keeping an eye on me. There’s several high-ranked Hunters standing guard, and Noah-ssi may be absent at the moment, but there’s Peace, too.”

“By Peace, you mean that S-rank monster, right? Is it always with you?”

“Almost always. But a lot of the kids tend to be afraid of him, so when I come to check in on the baby monsters, I leave him at home sometimes.”

I trailed off while speaking and cocked my head, puzzled. Was it alright for me to be divulging all of this, actually. But it also didn’t seem like it would be a problem, surely.

“Hyung.”

His voice was really nice, too. Bak Hayool’s eyes curved in a faint smile. 

“I can come see you again, right?”

“That’s, of course.”

“But I hope you won’t mention to the others that I stopped by. It can be kind of nerve-wracking, after all. There’s a lot of scary people around hyung.”

Was that so? Then again, it made sense that S-rank Hunters would seem intimidating to a non-Awakened. I… could probably omit mentioning his visit to anyone. Since it was just a casual visit from an acquaintance, anyway.

“Sure.”

“Thanks, hyung.”

I felt happy, seeing how pleased it seemed to make him. Something like that was probably fine, seeing as how I already felt somewhat guilty for having forgotten about him.

“Should I make you some tea, at least?”

“That’s alright. I’m afraid I can’t stay for long today. I’ll be back, though.”

Entreating me to keep his visit a secret once more, Bak Hayool turned to leave. Watching him depart, I felt a bit wistful for some reason. It was nice to have gotten to see him again, in any case.

- Baaa.

Standing there dazedly, I suddenly snapped back to reality at Sorokie’s bleating. Sorokie had gotten up at some point, and was now nibbling on the hem of my clothes. The baby lamb was industriously applying itself to the same task on the opposite side, tugging me in the other direction.

“...feels like I got bewitched for a moment, there.”(5)

I felt a bit odd, somehow. But he’d also kept his mouth closed so far, and he didn’t seem to be a bad guy. In fact, he kind of felt like the opposite. …right? Just then, my phone rang. It was Yerimie.

[ Mister! I’m all done with the raid, sir! ]

“Already?”

[ Yessir! And Blue’s doing great as well. ] 

[ Kyawoo! ]

I’d anticipated that she’d finish quickly, but I didn’t realize it’d be this quick. Telling her she’d done a great job, I showered her in praise.

[ I’ll be returning tomorrow morning, sir, after finishing up an interview and a few other things here and there. Everything going alright, sir? Han Yoohyun’s taking good care of you, right? ]

“Of course. Nothing out of the ordinary. I’ll come and get you tomorrow.”

[ You don’t need to trouble yourself to, sir. ]

She might’ve said it was fine, but I could clearly picture the wide grin on her face. After exchanging a few more words, we ended the call. As the corridor suddenly fell silent, a chill seemed to pervade the air. 

Something definitely felt strange, but I couldn’t manage to pinpoint the reason why.

- - - - -

(1) https://10mag.com/your-complete-guide-to-garbage-disposal-in-south-korea/

(2) What honorifics would an older hoobae use with a younger sunbae? (i.e. bait for role-reversal play)

(3) yoojin starts off responding in casual language (‘아, 응’) then quickly lapses into formal language (‘네’) to repeat ‘yes,’ so bak hayool telling him that he can just ‘speak comfortably’ is telling him to forgo formality in speech to speak in a more ‘intimate’ register to feed into the artificial sense of closeness; as the younger of the two, bak hayool is still ‘speaking up’ to him in a formal (but casually friendly) way to yoojin, however

> interpersonal dynamics/social hierarchy

(4) ‘fashion’ lenses (1) (2) 

(5) 귀신에 홀린 → lit. ‘bewitched/possessed/hypnotized/entranced by a (malevolent) spirit/ghost’

+(Q&A)

Q) 1. which among the following is how the ‘aesthetic boost caused by being of higher rank’ mechanic operates? ① the Hunter undergoing the aesthetic change has their actual physical traits subtly altered (physical appearance correction) ② the Hunter receiving the aesthetic boost actually retains their original features, but others who see them begin to perceive their looks in a more favorable light (not a cognition manipulation Skill, but has a similar effect) ③ other option 2. Crescent Moon is said to be naturally beautiful in appearance, but to also possess a unique charm(special ability) that earns her unconditional ‘positive regard’ from others as well. are there cases where a Hunter’s Skill can mimic this sort of trait? additionally, i was curious whether sung hyunjae, who is tied to Crescent Moon, also possesses this kind of characteristic (or Skill)~ A) 1. ① is the answer. Awakening above a certain rank threshold triggers changes not only in appearance, but in physiology as well. as mana becomes present, one’s body begins to undergo a transformation affected by both rank, as well as the idiosyncrasies of their special traits/affinities. while ‘evolving’ into a body that is more sturdy and well-balanced, one of the components that is also affected is facial symmetry, which becomes more harmonious and distinct(chiseled). for those who were ‘well-balanced’ to begin with, it tends not to change much. particularly in the case of the born s-ranks, it’s safe to say that they remain nearly identical from where they’d started. because there are cases of more ‘dramatic’ changes occurring, however, it’s widely believed that ‘Awakening = automatic appearance boost.’ but most people do to tend to receive a slight boost, in fact^^ 2. bak hayool is such a case. as a result of Crescent Moon’s influence, he was able to cultivate the ‘appearance boost + likeability’ Skill. it’s also a trait attributed to ‘Dreams.’ sung hyunjae possesses a similar charm, true, but it’s the result of both innate and accumulated effects (from being ‘reincarnated’ several-fold), rather than being a trait of Crescent Moon’s. additionally, due to his Fairy Dragon attribute, han gyeol is also capable of manifesting a similar ability.

[australianwomensnews]

Snr Const Nadine Skene was sitting at her desk at a suburban Melbourne police station when she first noticed the pattern. Girls as young as 10 were going missing. Then returning home. Then going missing again. Several had repeated the process more than 50 times within a single year.

Some were couch-surfing, sleeping on the beach or in public toilets. Others were connecting with men on social media. Almost all had some form of contact with the criminal justice system in their time away from home, either as victims or offenders.

“Many would be sexually exploited, others would be offending or in the company of people who were offending,” Skene says. “It was a real concern.”

She contacted Lisa Abbott, a former alcohol and drug worker who had turned her focus to vulnerable girls and young women in the Frankston area and wider Mornington Peninsula.

“We’re talking about 10, 11, 12-year-olds,” Abbott says. “They’d get picked up, taken back home, or in some cases to residential care, and then they’d go missing again.

“We thought, ‘let’s see if we can develop a response to this issue’. We know what works – there’s a lot of research and evidence around early intervention. Let’s see if we can guide them down a different path.”

They provide alcohol and drug support, coordinate services, help young women secure housing or get their learner driver permit and they run group-based activities

“If they’re repeatedly going missing we try to find out why. If it’s school, we can talk to their teachers on their behalf. If it’s because Mum or Dad is struggling, we can help arrange AOD [alcohol and other drug] or mental health support for them. If they’re struggling to regulate their emotions or manage conflict we work to unpack that.”

All girls in the program have been exposed to some form of family violence. Almost 80% are either completely disengaged from school or struggling to stay engaged in class, and many require support for alcohol and drugs, their mental health, or both.

Abbott says without ties to their family or school community, these girls were also most at risk of sexual exploitation.

Skene, who previously worked with Victoria police’s sexual offences and child abuse investigation team, says social media and dating apps are exacerbating this issue.

“I’ve heard several instances where these young girls are talking with older men on apps. They offer to pay for them to come over, offer to buy them food or alcohol or drugs, and these girls end up going,” Skene says.

“We’re talking about girls as young as 12. They do not have the ability to consent. They’re being taken advantage of and unfortunately for many it starts a cycle.”

The duo say empowerment is a key part of what Living Free does. It takes many forms – from frank conversations about consent, contraception and unplanned pregnancies to weekly boxing classes.

Skene takes part in the boxing classes and says it has been rewarding to watch the girls build their confidence each week.

Only 10% have been charged with further offending since joining the program. More than 90% of girls who were disengaged from school on referral were in education or training.

[nompumelelomtshali0t4]

Reflect on collaborative practice -multidisciplinary team and teamwork and Reflect on how you have been a health advocate

In a multidisciplinary team, each member has a different role because each professional works with the patient within their speciality area, while collaborating to provide recommendations that work together to improve the patient’s outcomes. In a multidisciplinary team, the occupational therapist has an important role in focusing on promoting functional independence and improving the quality of life for individuals especially those with physical or learning disabilities and mental health through the engagement of occupations such as ADLs, leisure, education etc. (O'Reilly, n.d.) OTs work closely with doctors, physiotherapists, speech therapists, social workers, nurses etc. to provide the best possible care for patients. In occupational therapy, working as a team doesn’t end with working with health professionals only, we also work with families, employers, community members, and teachers this is because we are a client-centred profession, and we aim for independence in all experts of life. Being part of such a large team means one must be willing to share what one knows and be ready to learn from others. (Gethealtie, n.d.) This helps team members understand their colleagues’ roles and responsibilities and the patient holistically.  

One for my experiences of working within a multidisciplinary team, I worked with a physiotherapist student on a patient who has a left neck femoral fracture, they initially were trying to get the patient to start walking and to perform passive mobilisation of the leg, however, through teamwork we were able to identify other limitations that led to the patient being assigned a wheelchair, which I as the OT had to provide wheelchair education and training through occupations. This patient also gave me a chance to work with a social worker to founding him a place to stay. The collaboration of us has helped the patient with his functional abilities as he is now able to use a wheelchair while engaging in occupations, it also helped because the patient has found a placement that will be able to cater for needs. These sessions were very effective and beneficial as each team member played their role to provide the best care for the client.

This week's reflection is based on the patient I worked with last week. In the intervention session, I had hoped to improve the patient's level of independence in meal preparation and feeding with her presenting limitations. However, the session didn’t go as planned as the patient presented better than in our previous assessment session and the student therapist failed to upgrade the session to meet the patient’s functional level. After receiving feedback from my supervisor, I was disappointed in myself for failing to plan an appropriate treatment session for my patient.  Even though I am disappointed, the most important thing is to use the feedback constructively to improve my skills.

These are some of the ways I am planning to reflect on my intervention and use the feedback to make a change in the future:

I am prepared on seeking clarity from my supervisor on where I went wrong. This will help me understand which specific aspect of intervention I need to improve on. I plan to revisit my intervention plan so that I can modify and improve on the areas identified by the supervisor. I must use more additional resources such as textbooks, and articles to understand my patient’s diagnosis and their presentation. I would have to practice and refine my skills through hands-on participation, to do so I am planning on doing my effectives this coming vacation to build on my experience on the practical side of intervention planning. To work on my theory, for intervention I will be participating in online learning opportunities (like doing the MOCA training). These things will make it easier for me to link the theory learnt in class with the presentation of a patient.

For the feedback received, I want to focus on my strategy mentioned above because I believe as an occupational therapy student, it is important to use the feedback constructively to learn and grow in the field so that I can plan and implement effective intervention sessions that will enable patients to improve on their limitations through participation on everyday activities.

Not only will my strategy work for my current patient, but it will be something I will be doing every time I have an intervention session with other patients so that I become a more effective therapist and provide better care for my patients. It will also enable me to play a critical role within a multidisciplinary team because through effective assessment and intervention planning, adaptive equipment and in collaboration with other health professionals and the patient’s family, I can help patients achieve independence in their areas of occupation and improve their quality of life.

Since my previous patient is discharged. I am working on a new patient this week; I am planning an effective intervention session for the patient which will be focusing on her ADLs. I am also looking forward to working within a multi-disciplinary working for the patient. This will enable me to develop a culture of learning from the other professionals and for them to learn from me because a lot of professionals are still having difficulties differentiating between the roles of an occupational therapist and a physiotherapist. Apart from being part of a team to learn, it will also grow our networks and skills as professionals. Getting myself in a multi-disciplinary team will allow for clear communication between myself (OT), the other professionals and the patient’s family to reduce the objectives, and tasks, and reduces conflict as each member will be clear about what is expected of them. (Indeed editorial team, 2022) For example, as a team we are working on a stroke patient, the patient could need a physiotherapist to get them to start walking, a speech therapist to work on their speech, an optometrist to work on the adjustment of their vision and I as the occupational therapist to work on refocusing independence on the patient's areas of occupations such as  ADLs(Feeding), work etc and I will closely work with the family on providing education on the condition and ways of handling the patient to promoting active independence in occupations, and providing education and training on assistive devices provided for the patient.

In summary, a multidisciplinary team is formulated to diagnose patients accurately, formulate the best treatment plans, expedite patient recovery, and create comfortable and trustworthy experiences throughout the patient's recovery journey. All of this may be much easier to accomplish in a collaborative team instead of individuals working separately. (Norrefalk, 2003)

References

Gethealtie. (n.d.). Retrieved from Gethealtie.com: https://www.gethealthie.com/blog/benefits-of-multidisciplinary-care-teams-for-patients#:~:text=Improved%20patient%20outcomes,needs%20in%20an%20effective%20way.

Indeed editorial team. (2022, 10 1). Retrieved from Hk.Indeed.com: https://hk.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/multidisciplinary-team

Norrefalk, J.-R. (2003). How do we define multidisciplinary rehabilitation. Journal of rehabilitaion medicine , 35: 100-101.

Oncohema Key. (2016, 06 8). Retrieved from Oncohemakey.com : https://oncohemakey.com/11-rehabilitation/

O'Reilly, N. (n.d.). Role of Occupational Therapist in a Rehabilitation Team . Retrieved from Physiopedia.com: https://www.physio-pedia.com/Role_of_Occupational_Therapist_in_a_Rehabilitation_Team

[izaiaslimabod]

⚠️ JAVA BURN Review Complete! YOU NEED TO KNOW!! Does JAVA BURN Really Work

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[hanoella]

Deserving

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x healer!Reader

Word Count: 2.1k

Summary: When someone bad mouths Bucky in your presence, you set things straight.

Warnings: Angst, but with happy ending, and one vaguely 18+ insult? I'm new.

Speaking of- @wkemeup has inspired me to post my writing for the first time! For their 9k writing challenge, I used this prompt:

"Character A is the target of harassment on the street. Shamed, they pretend it doesn’t bother them. Until it happens in the presence of Character B, who reigns hell on whoever dared to upset [A]"

Enjoy!

..........

Bucky was used to the whispers he got from people the street when he passed by them.

“Is that-?”

“Don’t make eye contact, he’s dangerous.”

“They just let him walk around like he hasn’t killed a bunch of people?”

His enhanced hearing picked up more than he wished it did. He liked to believe it didn’t bother him but deep down it did. It was just one more reason to stay secluded. Isolated. Alone. And he had been successfully doing that.

Until you came along.

Having been the test subject of a super serum version that focused on health and regeneration, you used your healing powers to help the Avengers get back to world-saving shape. Bucky hadn’t been keen on anyone touching him, much less someone he didn’t know. Despite his best efforts, he had caved in when you noticed he was having a bad day with his shoulder and offered to help. Since then, your companionship has been like a guilty pleasure.

You had this way of making him feel like he was the most important person in the world to you. Regardless of what he thought was evident, you only seemed to notice the good in him, even when he protested.

“There’s nothing I can do to right the wrongs that I’ve committed. Redemption isn’t possible. I don’t deserve-”

“Stop.” You said, cutting him off. “You are amazing. You have been through everything that you’ve been through and you still give back to the world. You fight for a world that made you this way, a world that gives you nothing back and yet you fight. It’s the world that doesn’t deserve you.”

Bucky swallowed hard. Looking at you in your eyes, he saw no dishonesty. Only pure admiration.

After that, there was no hope of him being alone. You cracked open his shell slowly but surely and now Bucky couldn’t imagine life without you.

Which led him to his current predicament.

“Come on, please? It’ll be so good and only a few blocks away. I know tapioca sounds gross, but you’ll love it!”

Bucky didn’t know what bubble tea was but apparently it was worth begging him for the past 20 minutes while you worked on his shoulder. Your hands emitted a warm white light as you gently massaged his shoulder. The direct contact wasn’t necessary but Bucky hadn’t complained when you started doing it and it’s become routine every since.

“I don’t know. I know I’m old but I don’t have to resort to tapioca yet.”

Bucky let a moment pass before his lip twitched up into a smile. You feigned annoyance as you cut off the healing and placed your hands on his shoulders.

“How about you go with me and I won’t bill the heck out of you for my magical five-star massages.” You say as you squeeze his shoulders.

“Okay okay, fine.”

Bucky put his hands up in defeat as he got up from the couch he was sitting on and turned to face you.

You swallowed as you let your eyes drift across his chest before you grabbed his shirt from off the back of the couch and tossed it to him.

“Alright! I’m so excited!”

Bucky listened to you chatter on about the different flavors he could try while he put on his shirt. Sometimes, he couldn’t believe he actually had a friend besides Steve. Sure, it helped that you had been Steve’s friend first. But there was something about you having grown closer to him that made him feel special. Never did Bucky think there would be a time that he’d be jealous over a girl that Steve was friends with rather than the other way around. Times were certainly different.

“You coming?”

Bucky broke away from his thoughts and made his way towards the doorway that you were standing in.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

---

Yeah, he knew this was a bad idea.

As soon as you two had left Stark Tower, the whispers started. While the café was only two blocks away, you noticed something was off a block into the trip.

“You alright?” You asked as you tried to decipher his facial expression.

“Yeah. Fine.”

You looked at him skeptically and then shifted your eyes to follow his, glancing around you. You slowly nodded in understanding as you looked at the people around you who were trying not to draw attention to themselves.

“Okay. We can talk about it later.”

Bucky was thankful that most people talked quietly enough so that you couldn’t hear what they were saying.

Keyword: Most.

You two arrived at the café, where it was slightly crowded. It was a warm afternoon, the perfect time to get a cool drink. Before heading inside, you gently placed your hand on his arm for a moment to reassure him.

“If you want, we could look at the menu out here and then I’ll go inside to order it.”

Bucky shifted his weight slightly from one side to the other as he contemplated it.

“Nah. We can go in together.”

“Okay.” you said, gently smiling to hopefully reassure him.

You both enter the building and make your way to stand in line. Bucky looked around at the seating areas. It reminded him of a Starbucks but with a more pastel color scheme. You looked at him and he raised an eyebrow in response. You smiled, happy that he was with you. Bucky’s heart skipped a beat and he smiled back.

That’s when you hear it.

“Is that that Hydra goon? Hey, go back to Siberia you brainwashed Hydra dog!”

You spun around violently the same time Bucky did with an incredulous look on your face, making eye contact with the college aged boy further back in line who was currently sniggering with his friends.

You stalked over to them before speaking in a low even tone.

“Sergeant Barnes has done more for the world than you could ever dream of doing. Apologize.”

You had let the venom creep into your voice, shouting the last word and silencing the rest of the line. Bucky walked up to you and put a hand on your shoulder, trying to turn your attention to him.

“C’mon. It’s not worth it.”

You let out a slow harsh exhale from your nose but didn’t move. The man only sneered.

“Why don’t you scurry along. I don’t care if you’re where he sticks his-”

The next thing Bucky registered was a nasty sounding crack as your fist connected with the jerk’s cheekbone. A round of gasps came from the surrounding crowd as he fell on the floor, completely dazed. You let out a pained grunt as you bent over, holding your hand while trying to cover the white light that started coming over your hand where the skin had bust open and something had definitely cracked.

“Okay, time to go.” Bucky said as he made an executive decision to get you two the heck out of there before anybody could react further. He put his hand on your back and quickly guided you out of the store, walking until you were out of the vicinity and almost back to the tower. You could tell that Bucky was not happy with you since he hadn’t said anything the whole way back. You entered the building and then stood silently in the elevator as it made its way up, refusing to meet his eye.

The elevator dinged as it opened up on the team’s dorm floor. You both walked quickly trying to avoid other people unsuccessfully as Sam stepped out into the hallway from the gym.

“Hey you two, what’re you… What happened to you?” He asked with a furrowed brow, nodding his head towards your hand as you walked past. Bucky and you answered at the same time.

“Nothing-”

“None of your business Sam-”

You gave Bucky a look and started chastising him.

“Hey, don’t be mean to him just because-”

“Keep. Walking.” He said through clenched teeth.

You rolled you eyes and shrugged apologetically at Sam as Bucky punched in the code to your apartment and swung the door open. He nudged you inside and then followed, shutting the door forcefully behind him.

Sam looked down the hall for a moment longer before shrugging it off. Natasha popped her head out into the hallway from the gym.

“What’s all the commotion?”

“Not sure. I think Mr. Tall, Dark and Metal left a few brain cells behind in the pod the last time he was frozen.”

Natasha snorted and then turned back into the gym.

---

Bucky closed the door behind him and then swung his arms out in confusion, giving you the same look of disbelief that he gives Yori when he starts a fight with his neighbors. You gave him the same look back, as if he was crazy for questioning your actions.

“What was that?” He finally asked.

“That guy was crazy! How could I not say something to him?”

“You didn’t have to hit him and hurt yourself! People say stuff like that all the time, you just have to ignore it and move on with your day.”

You stayed silent for a moment, averting your gaze and holding your injured hand that was gently glowing. Bucky gently let out his breath. He closed the distance between you and put his hand under yours to help you support it. His other hand grasped your forearm, gently moving over your smooth skin. He glanced down and watched as the inflammation went away and a bone shifted back into place under your skin.

“Please,” He whispered, his hold on you tightening ever so slightly. “It’s not worth all the trouble. It’s not worth you getting hurt.”

“No.”

Bucky snapped his head back up to see you calm and determined. Speaking again, you look into his eyes.

“It is worth it.”

He blinked twice, not having expected that answer.

“Why?”

“Because if I had let him say what he was going to say. Then to me, it would be validating anyone who has ever said anything like that about you. I can’t let you believe that any of that is true.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“But you do.” You cried out, slipping your newly healed hand out of his grasp and stepping away.

“I can see it in your actions, Bucky. I see it when you deny yourself anything that would make you happy. I see it when you try to hide yourself from the world. I see it when you look at me.” You spoke, voice wavering with the last sentence, averting your gaze again. Bucky stood silent as you continued.

“I see a deep sadness in your eyes. I can feel it in your soul when I heal your shoulder. Or when you touch my hand to see if I’ve fallen asleep. I can feel it emanating off of you. But I know for a fact that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to rest and to be happy. How many times have you fought a fight that wasn’t yours because it was the right thing to do? And don’t say it was to redeem yourself because I know it’s more than that. You are a good man, James. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. But if you need to prove it to yourself than just take a look at me.”

You gently hold his face and guide it so that he’s looking at you. He’s surprised to find your eyes full of tears, threatening to spill over.

“When you look into my eyes, there is nothing but love and admiration for you. When you touch me, I feel the warmth you leave on my skin. When you hear me speak, you should be able to tell from what I say that I genuinely think you deserve the world. When you are hurting, the only thing I feel is your anguish. It kills me, to see you punish yourself so undeservedly.”

You were whispering now, looking up at him. Bucky’s eyes were watering as well, his jaw clenched in an attempt to hold back his emotions. With your hands still gently caressing his cheeks he slowly lowered his head so that his forehead was resting on yours, swallowing hard.

Bucky lifted his head slightly so that he could look at you and he saw nothing but love. Your eyelashes were wet and shimmering from tears you shed for him. Your cheeks were flushed from the overwhelming feeling that you had for him. He looked into the depths of your eyes and saw only his future with you. Finally, his gaze settles on your lips, soft and supple.

“Please,” you begged. “Please do not ask me to stand idly by as the world tears you apart. You are worth more to me than anything else in it.”

Slowly, his hands touch your waist and slide back until he’s holding you against him. Closing the gap between you, you kiss.

Nothing more in this world could assure him of your love. For once, he believes it.

[aanihtewrites]

・🔭 ⸝⸝ ・P0H3 --- pt. 5 (final)

Everyone, except the Brownstone siblings, were affected by the “No-Sleep Syndrome” as Katherine calls it. The health of every team member started declining and they could barely save Farah from dying. Judith immediately called the control center back on Earth and got a simple response which provides no guarantee-

“We are looking into this matter.”

They rescheduled their preparation for deep sleep to be done after 1 more week. The conditions of the members weren’t preferable for hibernation which will last for almost 40 years. One day, Judith woke up in the middle of night time to find Richard sitting alone by the window.

“Why are you still awake, Ricky? Is something wrong?”, she sat down beside him while rubbing her eyes. “We are all gonna die even before we reach P0H3 right?”, he asked, looking into the dark space in front of him which twinkled with various star lights. “No, absolutely not, honey! We are going to make it! What makes you think we are gonna fail?”

“The nightmare, it turned into reality.”

“Wait, what do you mean, Richard? We don’t have any death onboard like you drea-”

“Hana is dead.” 

“W-What?”

Judith quickly stood up and rushed towards Richard’s sleeping pod area which he shared with 3 others, Fin, Eveline and Hana. I rushed to Hana’s pod and checked her pulse, her skin unbelievably cold against Judith’s fingers. She couldn’t feel a pulse, she wasn’t breathing either. Judith’s heart started pounding in my ribcage as if it’s going to break out. She ran to the main control panel and turned on the emergency siren, which woke everyone up. Then, she called the control station back on Earth.

“This is Judith Brownstone, Voyager 9801, reporting from Spaceship Hope. We have a death onboard. Hana Gabriel, Voyager 8732, is announced dead...Please try to find out the reason for her death, she was completely healthy till today! I made sure she ate and went through the daily health diagnosis!...What? A parasite!... What do you mean a parasite invasion! How is it even possible?!...Yes, we went on space walks to make sure there was no onset damage done to the ship and to check on the solar panels...Are you sure!?...O-okay, I’ll try my best...thank you…”

“What is it Captain? Why did you wake us up?, Antonio walked into the main control area as he asked with his tired voice. “Captain, I tried waking up Hana, but I guess she is in a deep sleep. Probably tired from all the nights she stayed awake.”, Fin walked in next and informed, Judith’s heart aching at the mention of Hana. 

After all the 9 team members were gathered in the main control area, she decided to break the bad news. “Sorry for waking you up during sleeping hours, it’s just, I had to let you all know something very important and heart-breaking. Hana, our health specialist and space researcher, who is not standing here with us at the moment, has passed her last breath. Hana Gabriel is...dead.”, Judith informed, a silence filling in between. Eveline broke down in tears as Daniel tried comforting her. 

“Voyagers, this does not get any better. We have an onset parasite invasion on this ship and everyone here is affected with the parasite. Scientists back on Earth have named it “Digger”, as it digs into a part of our brain and gains access to our biggest fears. In Hana’s case, it was her imagination. We all know that she was scared of her imagination, as it was very vivid and it caused her more harm than good. It’s different for everyone. Like for Farah, it is her father’s death, for Daniel it’s your fear of the dark and monsters.

Most of us haven’t shown any symptoms but. We might start showing them soon. We are already doomed. We can’t start hibernating, it’s too dangerous. And..”, Judith paused a bit before continuing

“We might never make it to planet P0H3, we are going...to die."

author's note: first time writing sci-fi but hey, I did okay...right?

[virghogh]

NCT Birth Charts x Hexaco Results Analyses pt. 2

recently NCT Dream were on a new reality show called Mental Training Camp where they are doing a variety of activities and all of their behavior and interactions are being analyzed by professional psychologists.

ofc my virgo sun mercury ass was thrilled and I had their birth charts pulled up the whole time to cross reference.

I wanted to share some of my personal thoughts on how the 2 might connect!

p.s. Thank u for all the likes on part one !!<3

part 1 // part 2 // part 3

**key: in the hexaco charts the blue represents the Dreamies, the orange is an average result of 300 college students who took the same test**

Renjun - “An artist down to the bones”

✨aries sun // scorpio moon // pisces mercury // pisces venus // taurus mars✨

can i just start with a wow cause!! This title is so bold and what they continued to talk about with him, and when looking at his chart... there is much to unpack here so let’s get into it

they started off his analysis focusing on how much of an “artist” he is. They said 2 qualities a great artists needs is openness and emotionality and he scored way above average in those areas, and the highest of those in his whole group. Looking at his placements I think anyone could tell this person is highly creative. With his 2 pisces placements and water moon in scorpio. There’s a lot more going on with that moon sign than just creativity, but it is a common trait amongst water moons!

I feel like his water energy is responsible for more of his imagination? If you watch a lot of NCT content you can see just how imaginative Renjun is. Especially in the relay vlogs when he was taking us through his art all I could think was wow this guy has crazy (good) imagination! the reason I mention this is because he has a taurus mars. taurus is ruled by venus where we get a lot of our creativity from and it’s a known thing that taurus placements always bring natural creativity. I really think the combination of water imagination with taurus art is a beautiful combo.

 On top of his natural talent in creativity and imagination, scorpio moons absolutely need an outlet. He was truly blessed with placements that give him that outlet <3 They mentioned he could be a poet and scorpio moons are always being recommended to write poetry. His art is essential to his mental and emotional health. 

something really interesting is how they mentioned that mark has traditional leader energy, but Renjun has a “mother-like” leader energy. I thought that was so sweet and really accurate for him. They mentioned how throughout the intro he would scan the others eyes a lot and make contact very subconsciously and with ease. Taking everyone into account. I see this a lot in his 2 pisces placements. I feel like a lot of pisces makes someone very sensitive, in-tune with people and caring/compassionate. And with the slower, calmer taurus mars it gives him a gentle approach. He has this strong bull/ram influence from his aries sun and mars, his driving forces, that gives him initiative and a strong voice. when these 2 connect I feel like it makes a mom bear kind of thing. 

They also said it seems when he scans like that he is almost analyzing and observing, “gathering opinions”. Scorpio moons have hawk eyes, they’re always observing micro-actions and reactions. He is mostly observing with care so he can pay attention and accommodate! But I think having a scorpio moon just makes him naturally tune in to people a lot more and gives him a sharper eye. 

I wanted to put him and Jisung in the same post because they’re both scorpio moon kings, and I wanted to talk about how this really intense moon sign plays out in 2 very different people. I have a scorpio moon too, so seeing 2 idols I like with their own scorpios moons is very interesting to me! 

at one point the psychologists verbal report took a turn and all i could think about was that scorpio moon! After they finished telling him about his artists traits, they said “there is one thing you should look out for”, and it was that people like him tend to get lonely easily and often/a lot and Renjun quickly agreed! They said that since he’s with good friends a lot, it helps, but in the future he could get very lonely and experience it more than the average person. This is so textbook scorpio moon I honestly felt like he was speaking right to me and my scorpio moon for a second. From one scorpio moon to another, I’m so glad he has people around him. 

then they asked him when he typically gets lonely the most and he responded with “it just comes to be out of the blue” u poor scorpio moon bb😭. I don’t know how serious he was about this word but he said he will be depressed on the nicest days sometimes. 

there was another story Mark was telling thin time about Renjun. They went out to a meal together on a beautiful day and Mark comments on how nice out it is and Renjun just responds with “I’m depressed”. There are so many traits of his scorpio moon coming through here. With the moon being in such an intense, deep and dark sign, it is in detriment here. It’s a really rough placement for your emotions. Water moons in general are known for being quite moody and sulky, sometimes it just comes out of nowhere and very randomly. There doesn’t always have to be a trigger. I feel like his pisces-scorpio are really like teaming up a lot when it comes to his expressions and emotions. 

In the last post I mentioned how I think Jeno and Mark are lucky to have fire moons because they could get really hard on themselves or down/depressed if they had earth or water moons. Renjun is a good example of what I meant. With his Taurus mars, earth signs are known for being down and hard on themselves a lot and I think the combination of a earth mars and scorpio moon is tough. taurus likes to be alone a lot too and I could see him maybe in the future develop a tendency to isolate when he’s having a scorpio moon moment and feels like the world is ending (again, being around people must be really helping him). I also see his aries sun maybe being another way to help express that scorpio moon. It might feel less like he has to keep all of these scorpio feelings to himself, it’s easier for him to let it out. It’s also worth noting that having a scorpio moon and taurus mars means they’re in opposition! Giving him even more depth and intensity. 

as for the hexaco chart, based off just his chart I don’t know if I would have guessed his openness was that high with his scorpio and taurus?? But other than that I think his hexaco is very spot on for him! His agreeableness is slightly below average👀 umm yes hi aries sun and fixed moon and mars. His extroversion is pretty much average but that average to me tells me someone is more on the extroverted side or maybe in the middle? Being in the middle would make sense to me because I think he definitely has potential to isolate. I’m curious to see what his houses are! I’ve seen a lot of talk that he’s a cancer rising and I buy it because it would put his sun in 10th, and moon in 5th but that’s a whole other topic...

That emotionality is wonderfully high. His openness and expression/ reactions are one of my favorite things about him. He’s truly a little aries hot head at times. I feel like aries in big 6 often gives this kind of ease with expression and straightforwardness like I was saying about mark. Similar to Chenle though, I think even though Renjun is open, he isn’t an open book and has his deep thoughts and secrets. I see his openness more in that he will always be there for people and listen/help peoples problems. He’s the kind of person to meet someone and if he can tell they’re struggling he’d offer his ear or shoulder even if they’re not close. He’s welcoming. 

tldr; has intense imagination and creative abilities, he is very welcoming, compassionate, attentive and caring. Mom vibes. He is very moody and gets down a lot, his friends and artistic expression are essential. He is very expressive, passionate and hot headed but has a lot of patience.

Jisung - “Shy Perfectionist” 

✨aquarius sun // scorpio moon // aquarius mercury // aquarius venus // aries mars✨

Jisungs section in this show was reallyyy short they didn’t say much and moved on kinda quick😅 I’ll be honest Jisung has always kinda confused me especially when I try to understand his chart and what i see in the videos. So not getting a lot of information from this episode either (yet! the show is ongoing) is tough

As far as the title they gave him🥺chart or no chart I think it’s a good title for him and how he appears in content and stuff he is true baby. In their verbal report they basically just said he’s shy and then talked a lot about how he has very good “follower” qualities. They were saying having a good follower is also a really important quality in a group though. And jisung agreed with what they were saying. That’s pretty much all we got from them😅

Honestly if I could only have one members guaranteed full chart I’d want it to be Jaemins or Jisungs because Jisung has an aquarius stellium! And the house it’s in could tell us so much more about him. Typically when I think of or meet aquarius I don’t pin them as a shy type? I could see some of them preferring to stick to themselves but they still operate pretty well in social situations. So Jisung’s painfully shy personality we see is interesting to me. Where I definitely do see his aqua and scorpio working together is in how anxious and nervous he is. He’s a worrier too and has admitted it. Also I’ve heard the combination of aquarius and scorpio makes someone intensely intuitive to future events, so I feel like if jisung is unaware of this gift it could contribute to his high anxiety. Maybe he gets feelings of “something bad is about to happen” a lot for seemingly no reason👀

Another very aquarius trait is of course they’re weirdooos through and through! And what I’ve noticed about the aquarius weird trait is how many different kinds of weird there are because aquarians are always weird in such different ways. I definitely think Jisung is a weird guy, or quirky? You can almost see the gears grinding in his head when he’s contemplating and then he’ll do something “weird” after that! Weird, or just off beat. And what I love about the way jisungs lil aquarius mind works is you can tell those weird moments are purely just how he really is and thinks, and it’s not to be funny or for the cameras, he just processes information and thinks completely different from everyone else. 

Since we know jisung is shy I feel like a lot of his aquarius and scorpio mood comes out off camera so we won’t get to see that side! But I’m sure it’s there.

I think Jisung’s scorpio moon is a good example of how different it can be. To go from a very emotionally charged chart to one that is being dominated by air is quite different. With Renjun, I was talking about how his water and fire give him the ability to be in touch with and express his scorpio moon more. But with an air dominant chart I feel like hinders that ability and creates a more detached person. Not that he’s cold, not emotional, or not compassionate. But just that he probably prefers to “just not think” about certain stressful or emotional topics. But the problem with that is it doesn’t mean emotions are gone and scorpio is very hard to ignore, so he’s probably internalizing a lot of stuff v deeply or is surprised when emotions come, what feels like, out of nowhere,.. Jisung also has an aries mars though! I feel like the openness of the aries mars combining with the detachment of Aquarius sun could also contribute to sudden releases of emotion🤔 but be back to normal in minutes

I also wanna add that I feel like jisungs very follower personality and ability to just kinda let things happen or not take charge must be a result of the industry and being the maknae tbh, or it at least accentuated it 

For the hexaco chart I really want to comment on how high the honesty-humility is! In the first part I mentioned how aquarius and aries can be quite righteous signs. So this trait must be really played up in his chart because it seems he cares a lot about following the rules (could also be a result of industry). His emotionality is higher than average! For his chart I don’t know if I would have expected that but from watching him I think it totally lines up, maybe his aries mars is proving more of an outlet. 

I also wanna finish by adding that jisung is still super young and has been in this “baby” position for most of his life, and is literally the youngest out of a 23 person group lol and grew up in the industry so there’s more going on with that than just astrology <3

tldr; very shy, anxious and nervous, intuitive, an oddball, his community is important and helpful to him, easily reactive, but not very emotionally expressive, he’s level-headed, has a lot of growing to do🥺<3

part 3 coming soon!

feedback and thoughts are always welcome!

[scuttling]

Bully

Fandom: Criminal Minds Pairing: Aaron Hotchner/Latina OFC Sophie Cortes Word Count: 2,249 Tags: SFW, Pre-relationship, Supportive Aaron Summary: A case in Chicago means the team is introduced to someone from Sophie's past. Collection: Sophie Cortes timeline, 0-6 Months at the BAU (See Masterlist for reading order) Link to AO3 or read below! “Alright, we’ve got a case in Chicago,” JJ says as they gather in the briefing room on a Wednesday morning. “The detective there is… how do I put this? He’s a real asshole, but they need our help, so just prepare yourselves for one of those.” She passes out the case file, and Cortes tenses beside Hotch, a shift in demeanor he can almost feel, though they are sitting a foot apart.

“Please tell me, just to ease my mind, JJ—it’s not the 54th precinct, right?” She looks up with a grimace, and JJ nods.

“Sounds like you know the guy. Detective Jeffrey?”

“Fuck. Yes, I know him.” She puts an elbow on the table, leans her forehead into her hand, sighs. “He’s like the anti-Hotch: cruel, impulsive, hotheaded, blames his failures on his coworkers. This guy is going to give us grief the whole way, especially if I’m there.”

“Is there a reason for him to be aggressive toward you? Did you pass him up for promotions, accolades?” he asks, and she looks up at him, frowns.

“He’s a misogynist, and a racist, for starters. Wanted a spot on the tactical response team and didn’t get it because he can’t take orders, which had nothing to do with me, but you know how narcissists project.”

“Nothing is actually ever their fault,” Reid says, filling in the blanks.

“Exactly. I was the most convenient target for his anger. So, of course I want to do my part, I’m just letting you know there’s a lot of hostility there so you aren’t blindsided.” The team seems collectively a little more tense—no one messes with one of their own—and Hotch nods thoughtfully.

“You’re with me while we’re there, then. If he wants to give you a hard time, we won’t make it easy.”

“Okay. Thanks.” She exhales, turns back to the case file, and JJ continues with the briefing.

He takes her aside once they’re on the jet.

“Can we talk for a moment?” he asks, standing by the open seat next to hers, and she gestures to it.

“Sure. Is it about what I said earlier, about Jeffrey?”

“Yes and no. I trust your judgement; if this guy is going to be a pain in our ass, I want to have a game plan going in so things move as smoothly as possible.” She closes the folder in her lap, nods, gives him her full attention. “First and foremost, you can not let him get to you.” She leans back against the window, sighs.

“I know. It’s just hard, like going back to high school and facing your old bully.”

“I get it. From what you’ve told me, this guy is going to have all of us on edge, but you know the precinct, the area, some of the officers; the team is going to look to you a lot while we’re here. You need to be firm, authoritative, but not antagonistic. Most importantly, you need to be confident. Don’t second guess yourself because of this jerk we’re dealing with.”

“I know that giving in and getting mad is what he wants, so I’m going to try my damndest not to give it to him.” She laughs a little, like it’s easier said than done, and he maintains eye contact, wills her to see how much he really does trust her with this. “I really appreciate this, Hotch.”

“It’s what I’m here for.”

“I know. But you show your faith when it really matters, and not everyone in your position does that. You should know how much it means to us.” Her words warm his heart, and not just because it’s her who’s saying them. He knows he comes off like a drill sergeant sometimes, but it’s all for good reason. He just wants to take care of his team, keep them safe.

“Thank you. The job is tough; I try to support you guys anyway I can.”

“It shows. Thanks for having my back,” she says softly, tilting her head, and then she sighs and smiles, sits up in her seat. He’s known her long enough to be able to tell when things are getting a little too heavy for her, knows she’s looking for lightness, now. “If we have time for drinks after this case, we have to go to Tito’s, just putting it out there.” Morgan hears her, leans over from his seat across the aisle.

“Tito’s! I haven’t been there in years.”

“Neither have I. They have the best portobello tacos in Chicago. Drowning in chimichurri,” she says to Hotch, and he smiles a little at her excitement. “Give me a Corona and lime and a plate of tacos and I’ll forget all about Douglas fucking Jeffrey.”

“We’ll see what we can do,” he says, and he spends the rest of the trip sitting between the two of them as they reminisce about their favorite things about Chicago.

He actually really enjoys it.

When they arrive at the precinct, she is decidedly less jovial, and Hotch immediately understands why, when he introduces himself to Detective Jeffrey.

“Cortes, good to see you again,” he greets, while his expression tells a different story entirely. “Are you his... assistant?” He pretends to be confused, and JJ bristles beside them at the implication, but Sophie remains impassive, doesn’t even look tense. It’s possible his pep talk had more impact than he thought.

“She is no one’s assistant, she’s a supervisory special agent with the FBI just like me, and she will be taking point on this case. I expect you to defer to her expertise,” Hotch informs him with no room for misunderstanding in his tone. Again, if she’s surprised, she doesn’t show it, just continues reading over the case file provided.

“No offense, but this is a serial killer we’re talking about. It’s worlds away from chatting up a meth addict CI in a McDonald's parking lot.” She does close the file at that, and it appears to him that she can handle personal insults just fine, but that jabs at her work are where she gets defensive.

“You wouldn’t have closed half of your cases if it weren’t for my CIs, and you know it. But I’m not in Intelligence anymore, I’m a profiler, and I’m good at what I do.” She crosses her arms, exhales, and turns away from him, a clear dismissal. “Hotch, Prentiss, and I will go to the crime scene. Reid and Gideon will meet with the second victim’s wife, Morgan and JJ will work victimology, and we’ll reconvene here.”

“You got it, boss,” Morgan says, taking a seat, and in times like these he is really proud of his team. He knows as well as Sophie what it means to show Jeffrey that an alpha male like Morgan will take her orders, and Morgan took them and ran. He hides a smile.

They are unfortunately stuck with the detective when they are rerouted to a new crime scene as another body is found, but Hotch isn't worried. It will be a great place for her to show him what she can do.

“What do we know about the victim so far?” Sophie asks Jeffrey, her posture open.

“Sheila Lapinski, 27, hooker.” Prentiss rolls her eyes behind his back. “No one has reported her missing, no next of kin anywhere we can find. Coroner puts her time of death between 3 and 5 AM.”

“Does she have a record?”

“Osele’s pulling it now,” he says with a sigh, and she stops scanning the scene, looks to him with a cocked brow.

“Then how do you know she’s a prostitute?” He chuckles, puts out his hands like the answer is obvious.

“You know where we are. They’re like fleas around here, infesting, multiplying.” Cortes crouches down and lifts the sheet covering the victim, who is wearing a cardigan, pencil skirt, and flat shoes.

“She dressed like a prostitute to either of you?” she asks, looking up at Hotch and Prentiss, and he shakes his head, though he’s not sure why he’s surprised; the detective may actually be worse than she described him. Prentiss bends down, looks like she’s trying not to smile.

“No. She looks more like a school teacher, actually.”

“I’m telling you, they call this—pardon my French—” Sophie stands, crossing her arms, and cuts Jeffrey off.

“Pussy Alley. I know what guys like you call it. But you have no evidence this woman is a sex worker, and if she’s not, it’s extremely important that we find out how and why she was dumped here.” An older, bearded detective walks up to them, notebook open, and he smiles at her.

“Hey, Cortes. Nice to see you again, though not under the circumstances.”

“You too, Osele; these are Agents Hotchner and Prentiss. I worked with Osele in Intelligence way back when.” They all shake hands, and she nods to his notebook. “You have her record?"

“Yep, she’s squeaky clean. Not so much as a parking ticket.” Sophie shares a look with the both of them, and Jeffrey splutters.

“That’s—that’s not possible.”

“I think you’ll find that plenty is possible when you open your eyes, Detective,” Hotch can’t resist replying. Cortes crouches down again.

“There are no signs of a struggle. The bottoms of her shoes aren’t worn. Her clothes are clean, not cheap; hair done recently, not cheap.” Jeffrey puts his hands on his hips, all but rolls his eyes.

“Ah, there’s some hard hitting detective work.”

“You’re not even attempting to prove your theory that she’s a prostitute, so we’re disproving it for you,” Prentiss explains, pulling out her phone. “Easily. Garcia,” she begins, and she steps away from them to talk to the tech.

“What else do you see?” Hotch asks softly, meeting her on her level. “Anything that indicates occupation?” Her eyes are focused as she scans the victim, lifts her hand to examine her nails, her lip to examine her teeth.

“She has ink smudges on her hands, so she could be a teacher, but she could also be a receptionist, writer, accountant, secretary, bank teller… any type of administrative professional. She’s got a fresh manicure, teeth are in good health, so I’d bet she’s got insurance or has had it recently. No wedding ring, she’s too old to be on her parents’, so all signs point to a steady job.”

“Okay, there is no god damn way you can tell if she’s got health insurance just by looking at her.” She stands, and Hotch follows, covering the body with the sheet.

“No, you’re right, I can’t. It’s an educated guess based on analysis and not snap judgement. Do you have any insight into this case, aside from the fact that you think she’s a sex worker because of where she was found?”

“There’s not much to go on. Sometimes these cases go unsolved.” It’s then that Prentiss returns to them, and this time she is smiling.

“I had Garcia run our victim’s info, and it doesn’t look like she’s currently employed—no recent bank deposits, appears to be living off of her savings.”

“So not a teacher after all,” Jeffrey states, looking smug, and Hotch waits patiently, because he knows there’s more.

“Not right now, but she just moved to the area from a suburb called Evanston, and she was a third grade teacher there for two years. Private school, really nice place. Great insurance.” Sophie looks at her like something she said clicked, and she pulls out her phone.

“The ink on the heel of her hand could be from a newspaper; maybe she’s job hunting.”

“Wasn’t our first guy unemployed?” Prentiss recalls. “We should have Gideon and Reid ask his wife if he’s been job hunting. Could be a connection.”

“I’ll call Reid.” The fact that the victims were job hunting is what breaks the case. They work late into the evening, but they’re actually able to find the unsub—a man posing as a prospective employer only to people who are new to the area—relatively quickly once they put it all together.

The officers who remember Sophie from her time in Chicago are all clearly impressed with her and the team, and it makes him very, very proud.

Jeffrey clearly hates how quickly they solved the case, and he enjoys that, too.

That night, they do make it to Tito’s for drinks and Mexican food, and the team goes around the table and talks about their ‘Jeffreys’ in honor of Sophie showing up hers.

Morgan buys them all a round of Coronas in her honor as well, and later, Sophie offers to buy another; Hotch heads up the bar to help her carry.

“Since we’re here another night, is there anyone you’re going to try to see? Catch up with?” he asks while they wait for a few of the drinks. She smiles softly, tucks a hand under her chin thoughtfully.

“No, there’s nothing for me here anymore. Coming back, facing Jeffrey, was my last battle to fight, and you made that possible, so thank you.”

“It was my pleasure to see him knocked down a peg… and to watch you shine.” She reaches out, covers his hand with her own, which he did not expect, and nods back to the table with the rest of their coworkers, their friends.

“Come on. We’re going to have to rein them in soon. I could use a little back up.”

“Any time."

[relieverse]

Areas where I will restrict and build a structure for myself the most:

"I will restrict and build a structure for my external identity, my self-image the most to actually fit it into a bigger scheme of life. If I cannot see where to fit my self-image in, I will not be able to restrict it to default.

Others may be able to see my desire for restriction and structure, my seriousness in thinking as well as I will somehow want to show those sides of me to the surface.

Their friends and family will rarely see them smile, but when doing it, they’ll surely put a lot of heart and soul into it. Saturn’s influence gives them clear judgment and responsible conduct.

These are the kind of people who keep their word and feel guilty or anxious when trying to compete.

Those who don’t have this placement in the 1st house wouldn’t understand this, so don’t be surprised by this when getting to know them a little bit closer.

It’s not beneficial for them to be so neurotic if getting one of their colleagues’ jobs just considering they’ve been more productive, but this is the way they are and no one can change them.

Very hard on themselves, it may be stressful to be in their shoes as they’re all the time analyzing how well they’ve done things and hate to leave projects half-done.

They’re highly responsible and expect the same thing from others, but as said before, whenever they’re ahead of their team, they start to feel a misplaced anxiety and guilt.

This can have them sick with stress-related diseases and they may even end up institutionalized if not paying attention to no longer be so hard on themselves.

It’s suggested Saturn in the 1st house natives lay a little bit low and allow those around them express themselves for a better understanding of their own relationships.

Their partner or spouse should clearly understand these natives need to self-assert themselves. They don’t like changing their surroundings and friends, so they’ll most likely remain in the same groups for a lifetime.

Saturn influences people to be disciplined and responsible. When in the 1st house, it makes them more serving, able to achieve their dreams and to express their wishes because this house is all about the self and how individuals project their personality on others.

This planet makes sure to bring the themes it features into people’s life as much as possible, inspiring seriousness, a stern facial expression, its specific sarcasm and a high level of maturity.

Don’t think natives having Saturn in the 1st house never smile, because they do and their face seems to simply illuminate when a good joke is being told.

However, they may have problems expressing their individuality and allowing themselves to be as original as possible.

Insisting to never take action without having a good plan, it’s possible for them to miss on great opportunities that would require a bit more spontaneity.

They tend to not trust people, organizations and even the government, so they will try as much as possible to live a private life and to never talk about themselves.

When it comes to expressing their own opinion and free will, expect them to be reserved because they either have some memories from childhood that are repressing or they simply don’t trust their audience.

Saturn in the house of Aries is all about being responsible and having a need for independence. It also comes with impulsiveness, but a more mature attitude can easily fix this problem.

Natives having Saturn in the 1st house should learn how to deal with the intensity this planet positioned here brings to their life.

Knowing when to take risks and how to make the best out of their strengths can be a problem when facing all kind of obstacles all the time, but not impossible to get done.

It doesn’t matter if men or women, individuals having Saturn in 1st house will be led by this planet to have self-control and a goal-oriented approach.

More than this, they will know who they are and how their best traits can put them on the right track.

They’re not in any way the type to be insecure and terrified of rejection or criticism because self-sufficiency characterizes them more than anything else.

Other ways through how Saturn works in the first house are by making natives with this placement enjoy their work and by giving them a wish to spend as much time as possible in solitary.

Don’t think that if they love to contemplate all the time, their energy levels are low because their ability to complete projects in a timely and efficient manner is famous.

When it comes to health, this planet influences them to suffer from rheumatic or bilious diseases. They will learn many important life lessons ever since young, but they should keep frustration to a minimum level as this can isolate them from others, leading to an inability to express their emotions or be spontaneous.

If Saturn puts many obstacles in their way, it’s only doing it to help them succeed and at the same time learn something.

They will surely get recognized and appreciated for their work or wisdom because they can do a great job each time they invest their efforts into something.

All people having Saturn in 1st house should be aware of the fact that stress can destroy them, so different methods of dealing with this problem should be in their to-do list.

Talking to others would be a great idea since Saturn influences them to be great father figures and to attract people like magnets. It’s true they can’t easily trust, but they could use what their intuition tells them and combine it with a thoughtful approach.

This would be of great help for their work and family matters, where they would no longer have to wonder what others want and need them to do.

Saturn in 1st house individuals are always aware of what’s right and wrong because they’re fast thinkers.

While wishing to always be first, they may forget life is also meant to be enjoyable, not only a struggle for success.

In spite of being independent, they may not know what makes them unique because they’re all the time doubting themselves.

Their loved ones could help them be less insecure and feeling guilty for wanting the first place all the time.

A karmic planet, Saturn shuts down the ego and makes people think twice before acting. While those having it in the 1st house may feel like no one understands them, they will still always be intelligent, powerful and kind, protective of their loved ones."

[allthingsfern]

In order, my responses to comments in Reply of my COVID19 era post that was my answer to my question “My answer to my questions: Has the era of COVID19 changed your photography? How? And perhaps also, why?“ I am so confused now...

adventuresofalgy

Algy thinks you are lucky and - certainly if compared with Europeans - perhaps quite unusual in not having experienced a more profound effect on your creative outlets and expression. Many of Algy's creative friends have experienced wide-ranging and often severe impacts on their creativity and associated motivation - and therefore on their mental health as well.

themazette

As @adventuresofalgy Jenny said.... you are lucky...

I am indeed very lucky, or as I think of it, blessed. However, it is no way a US thing, nor even a California thing. I add California, because I know many in the US and around the world think of the Golden State as a haven, a progressive, hippie filled state that is all about peace and love and marijuana. However, that is far from the truth. California is like Germany in the 1920s and 30s. There was Berlin, where there was a wildness in the city that was not shared, and was often looked-down on, by those in the majority of the country, who lived in more conservative areas and who, often, economically could not afford the grand life of partying Berliners. In California it is the same. Except for a few urban areas, the state is full of very conservative folks, and for them, like for those in the cities (and in the rest of the world) this COVID19 era has been devastating. Well, and the fires for Californians have been too.

Even in this cool college town where I live, which is lovely and quiet and inspiring, the painfully empty streets, movie theaters, restaurants, shops (think of all those unemployed people) is (still) staggering. In mid-March last year, right after lockdown, I took several phone videos of the deserted street in our town and the campus, but I could not bring myself to share them, since I knew that so many others here on Tumblr were experiencing the same desolation in many different ways. (I figured: “Why add to the sorrow we are living, almost globally?”) I was overwhelmed by the emptiness of the major (well, major for a small town of around 65,000 people) street where I live and the empty bicycle trails and street on campus. And by empty, I mean that even now, I see maybe 3 cyclists per hour, and very little car traffic. Remember, this is a bicycle town; I do not own a car, doing most all my errands on my bike with its 2 fordable baskets in the rear.

And now, over a year later, that same heavy, oppressive emptiness persists. And no, I am not used to it. And yes, I traveled over the last year, but I found the same suffocating blanket of emptiness in each city I visited, even in Las Vegas. It was unnerving. As a matter of fact, last year when I drove to San Francisco 2 months after lockdown for my birthday, I wound up getting depressed and disoriented, in a city where I lived for almost 7 years. Driving back home across the Golden Gate Bridge with tears of sadness in my eyes on my birthday was not what I expected. However, I did get some solid photos of the malaise that hung thick in the air, a malaise that physically took up the space that once was taken up by crowds of people.

Now, I am also very aware that my situation is unique. (Not a fan of the word exceptional, since it can mean both unique and special, and I do not see my situation as special.) My life situation is very unique in that I have a job I love and I work with a great team of characters. We get work done and we have fun, share about our lives. My job is often, especially since COVID19 first got noticed in early 2020, stressful and demands my colleagues and I learn (and sometimes then teach) lots of new technology and that we adapt to the vagaries of the technology gods, which are sometimes unfriendly and unresponsive. And a big part of my job is trying to figure out how to get the technology gods to like us again and grace us with their gifts. (I never realized, until now, with this discussion, that the troubleshooting that is a big part of my job is creative and probably fuels my photographic creativity. Who knew?) Yet, as a group, my colleagues and I support each other. And I am fortunate to count my closest colleague, Steve, as a friend. We have been a great emotional support to each other over the years and now through this COVID19 era. And I recently was reminded (as if I needed reminding) just how unique my work situation is because I participated in a committee that was going over responses to a UC Davis-wide survey exploring levels of employee satisfaction. My 2 colleagues who were also on that committee and I did not have the complaints that others from other departments shared. We work well together, have supportive management that share what is going on and include us (as mush as possible) in the decision making process. And as a department, we get stuff done.

Possibly the best example of how blessedly unique my situation is is what happened this morning when I was talking (yes, on ZOOM) with my immediate supervisor. We discussed the work related stuff, including how at around 10:30 pm the night before I figured something out about an online tool integration I had never done before that I knew was easy but I did not see as easy until I reread the overly complicated instructions a couple of times and just figured out how and where to cut and paste the lines of code (it was that easy, just fucking cut and paste some lines of JSON code) that got the fucking thing to work. Then we talked about his dealing with his young children returning to school and how “normal” now is not “normal” from before and how disruptive the whole thing has been, yet since we work in a supportive atmosphere (and are both salaried), he was able to deal and keep living.

Then, and you are gonna love this, I shared about my original COVID19 question post and the responses and pretty much said to him what I am sharing here.

We talked for a little over an hour. That kind of rapport is rare, for any job, anywhere.

And then there is another way my situation is unique. In some ways, previous “bad things” were actually a preparation for this era of physical distance and uncertainty. In mid-2019, from July to August, first because of my work related bowling concussion and then an antibiotic resistant infection, I was bedridden for about 5 weeks and then had several absences because of concussion issues, like sudden and extreme anger flare ups, nausea, headaches. But however bad I thought that concussion and infection were, the concussion induced forgetfulness and my desire to sharpen my mind and nurture and nourish it have lead me to become, in my old age, organized. I now often take notes of important stuff, add work and personal dates and notes to my Outlook calendar, and even know what day it is, which bugs my colleagues who often find they have no idea what day and/or date it is. Yep, unique, but the bad concussion shit got me to be organized in ways that I was never able to be before, no matter what I tried. This time, I just fucking get organized, without thinking about it too much. And if I fuck up with my being organized, like I did the other day for work, I admit it, fix it, and move on.

Preparation for isolation (and unexpected natural threats) came by way of the 2018 Northern California (the region where I live) fires that year, which caused the campus to shut down for about a week. (As my friend Steve called it, the smoking break.) And for work, my colleagues and I faced a couple of long term, emergency technical outages that impacted all of the UC Davis faculty, one of them for over a month. Pretty much on a professional and personal level, I was, if not ready, at least getting used to the WTF of whatever life decides to surprise me with. (And lets not forget the really bad fire last September, seen in this video I posted of ash “snow” falling. We did not have to shut down the campus because there was no one there anyway.)

Another aspect of this last year, and one that has been present in my life for a few years now, is the BLM movement and the brutal police violence against Black people in this country. As someone who was a teaching assistant and taught in African American Studies and worked closely with students of color on campus in a student run organization, I was and am still devastated, in part because I know, from hearing so many personal accounts, the pain many of my friends, former colleagues, and former students, are still facing and how overwhelmed they felt and still feel. I understand, if as an outsider, their emotional exhaustion. This has been going on for a while, plus add the years of anti-immigrant hate against the Latinx in the US and the rising tide of violent hate against Asians, and yes, it has been sorrowful. Heartbreaking. And I have, in several ways, including my photography, tried to capture the sorrow and resilience of US people of color. It hurts, almost physically, that many people of color are just tired of talking and dealing with the hate.

So, yes, my situation is unique, but with its own emotionally draining weight. And yes, I am extremely grateful. This leads to the other 2 comments in Reply:

kkomppa

Thank you for sharing, Fern. Very interesting. Like you, I would say my output hasn’t changed much. However, I have sought locations deeper in the wilderness. This has been fulfilling.

schwarzkaeppchen

Really interesting thoughts. We live in strange times, but creativity and motivation comes and goes for so many different reasons. My photography has changed a lot. I used to work as a photographer at events and took portraits for fun... Now I'm officially a portrait photographer.

Both of these comments point to another unique aspect of my life situation: For some of us, our photography and how we do it, has not changed much, and if it has, that has been a part of our overall experience with this art form we love so much.

For me, because of my depressive tendencies, the Zen of photography, at least the way I do it, is therapeutic. And I do not use the  term “Zen” lightly here, because my spiritual life has helped me come to terms with the WTF surprises that are pretty much life, if at times the WTF of it is more impactful, as it is during this COVID19 era. And that is part of what I was trying to share with my original post: Before this period of isolation and disorientation, I was already coming to grips with the gospel truth that “creativity and motivation comes and goes for so many different reasons.” as @schwarzkaeppchen​ said. In no way do I diminish the anguish flared up by these bleak times that impact so many around the world. And really, when you think about it, bleak times have been a norm, at least here in the US, since late 2016, though, of course, lockdowns and physical distance make it all worse. But, at least for me, I try to learn from the bleak times, even if I abhor going through them. And when dealing with the highs and lows of creative energy, at least for me, I have a calm certainty that photography is part of my life and I do not have to worry, since I only love it more each day. And the other side to my certainty is that if someday my love of photography fades, some other treasure of creativity will replace it.

Let’s be real, because of photography. I think about stuff like this and get to have discussions with so many great Tumblr original photographers.

And I am grateful for it, and no, this is not unique to my life situation. I know many of us love being here and sharing the good, the bad, the confounding.

Please think about joining @tvoom and me for InConverversation this month. It has been a long time since we talked, and this COVID19 era will be our topic.

I am grateful for all y’all.

[shattered-catalyst]

Intro to OCD for the RPC part 1/?

This is a balmy 6 page document on the VERY BASICS of OCD by a person who has had OCD for over 15 years and knows their shit.

If you want to write a character who has OCD this series is going to be a good starting point. If you dont know much about OCD I encourage you to read it so you can be an ally to those of us who have the disorder.

OCD is made into a cultural joke and when there isnt the ‘Obsessive Cat disorder’ bullshit its an angst off with other people and their non-ocd intrusive thoughts. Its different. Do your research and be an ally.

This will cover the very very basics. The next post will look into subtypes of OCD and how those are experienced.

 Whomst can write it? 

Literally anyone as long as you 

● Do so respectfully and not make a mockery of the disorder and the harm it causes in peoples lives 

● Dont make OCD the characters single thing or boil them down to it entirely ● Do respect the experiences and opinions of muns who have the disorder if they have concerns about your portrayal.

● Dont milk it for angst - unless you have OCD in which case release some of your angst.

● Dont try and say you know what intrusive thoughts are because they have *insert any other neuro a-typical thing here* 

● Dont police how Muns who have OCD choose to portray it. Its our experience not yours. I like to write out my characters OCD as I experience OCD so my experiences are different from other muns. OCD is very diverse in its effects but always ask if you arent sure.

. What isnt OCD? 

● Cleanliness or organization- OCD is NEVER an adjective. 

● Planning/ Hypervigilance/Organized/Methodical 

● Turning light switches on and off, unplugging things (find out more on later time)

 ● “I have to organize my pencils otherwise it bothers me” “ I have to make sure my mattress is straight” “ my nails have to be the same length” are all typical responses from people WHO DO NOT have OCD. 

● Making sure objects are lined up neatly 

● Having things go in a particular order like the letters CDO as the joke goes

● Really loving Cats, Corgis, or Christmas; if you own any of these items i urge you to reflect and also send me 10$ (jk but do reflect)

The Barest minimum 

Google OCD this will be an advanced version of OCD. This will be long but if you want to be aware of others or want to write the character you will read it. 

OCD is made of Obsessions. Triggers. Anxiety, Compulsions/Rituals.

1. Obsessions are the thoughts 

2. Triggers are the object/person/image/situation/smell ETC 

3. The Anxiety occurs is at uncomfortable levels to the point of panic or anxiety attacks

 4. Compulsions or Rituals are performed 

*There is a variant of OCD called Pure O. In this individuals have the obsessions triggers and anxiety but there is NO compulsion or ritual. This is still valid OCD. 

Obsessions are the precursors to the flawed unwanted and harmful intrusive thoughts: 

Im going to use you so you really understand this because its important.If you misunderstand this you are basically encouraging a mental health condition and dont get a sticker for reading this far. 

First check out this link as it has ALL the subtypes and examples. 

Obsessions can be hidden by the intrusive thought and teasing them out can be difficult to do if you have the disorder because well its a disorder okay thats why. It boils down to ‘i could harm someone’ ‘i could cause harm’ ‘ i may have accidentally harmed ___’ ‘ i may accidentally harm’ etc 

This is the flawed powerful belief that predate the Intrusive Thought. 

Intrusive thoughts appear in every brain on earth. They are not special or unusual however intrusive thoughts with OCD get stuck in the brain- meaning they stay there no matter what you do. So yes , they are different from intrusive thoughts in other conditions. 

The thing about OCD is that it latches on to what you hold dear; it may be you are a caring person and love children and animals- your OCD would give you intrusive violent or sexual thoughts or images. These are horrible to experience. They are not welcome nor appreciated and there is no benefit or positive side to having them. 

If say social justice is something you hold dear your ocd may take the form of intrusive thoughts of slurs, jokes, visuals etc. These are horrible to experience and lead to high levels of anxiety and are not positive nor beneficial to have in any way shape or form. 

Maybe you would not harm someone or you value others; your OCD may present as graphic intrusive images or thoughts around poisoning, stabbing,accidental..ly murdering (yeah you read that right), hitting, insulting etc someone else 

I must emphasize this because it is critical that people understand POCD: for the sake of those of us who have OCD read this until its burned into your brain. 

This is the fucked up awful Obsessive thought that you are/were/ or could be sexually attracted to children. This is NOT pedophilia. People kill themselves over this because they are afraid that these intrusive thoughts are true. People isolate themselves and dont have families out of fear of harming a child. People take work in different fields or avoid areas with children out of the absolute terror their obsessive thoughts could be true. This is NOT pedophilia. There is NO attraction present.

Most people who experience POCD intrusive thoughts would rather punch a sharknado than even THINK of hurting a kid in any way shape or form. That is why the OCD does its thing it is like having an abusive brain. 

Again for clarity's sake 

If you value social justice -> the intrusive thoughts violate social justice stuff 

If you value animals -> intrusive thoughts come up with harming animals 

If you care about the protection and safety of children -> POCD 

Triggers would be the situation, scenario, object, person,creature, context etc that is related to the Obsession. It can be literally anything. 

What follows is a hell of a lot of anxiety that can range anywhere from discomfort to full on panic attacks. 

Everyone has different intrusive thoughts and everyone experiences different amounts of distress upon being triggered. 

● As a side bar. Do not ever try and expose someone to their triggers or write about a character being exposed to their triggers as a way to help ‘cure them’ or ‘expose them’ to ANYTHING. What you are doing is literally taking someone with a mental illness and shoving them into a breakdown and thats a piece of shit move. Exposure therapy does exist and is done by professionals TRAINED in ERP. My parents did this a lot and I am positive I am not alone in that experience. 

Compulsions or Rituals: Now you may be saying ‘hey i know what those are’ yeah dude me too and I have had ocd for over 15 years and trained in mental health for 7 and guess what. They teach ya wrong. 

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. 

This can be as passive as ‘i am leaving the room’ ‘ i am checking my body sensations’ ‘ i am trying SO HARD TO HEAR MY HEARTBEAT’ .

 It can also be repeating the same thing over and over. To illustrate this I once mentally chanted the same song lyric line on a 3 hour plane ride because otherwise we were all going to die. I took one for the whole team.

It can be somatic things like counting your heart beats, focusing on your breathing, swallowing, staring and not blinking for so many seconds. 

It can be readjusting clothing until the seams fit. It can be checking god yes checking IK its a common trope but it IS a compulsion that has ruined my life and can be as passive as checking my reality or texting for proof my cat is still alive. It can also be checking yourself for assurance you wouldnt do the intrusive thought or that the intrusive thought isnt going to happen.

Compulsions are mentally painful and sometimes physically painful; 

● Washing your hands with scalding water for 5+ minutes can lead to horribly dry and cracking skin to down right BURNS.

● If you do the same movement you can mess up joints and ligaments. So if you pray constantly you may have knee issues from standing and kneeling.

● If your compulsion has you doing movement against an object ie say gripping and regripping something you get callouses. 

● If you compulsively exercise you may get trapped doing something above a healthy amount or say going from not working out to running a five minute mile and wiping out on a treadmill because your brain demanded it. Totally didnt do that... 

● If your compulsions make you rub against any object you can get friction burns and scars. 

To put this in perspective 15 years of compulsions have left my hands and finger joints a complete mess, damaged my arm tendons, friction scars on my arms that only now faded, and scars on my legs from doing too much of an activity. 

Its not lmao I gotta fix these pencils its real agony and real torture. 

In short compulsions and rituals are not fun they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder. 

OCD disrupts relationships with social components such as ; 

Obsessively checking in with partner/friend if things are ‘okay’ (this feels horrible to do too fyi like you KNOW things are fine but you cant NOT because the anxiety is SO BAD), 

Relationship OCD is a WHOLE category itself! this ties into sexuality OCD where your obsessive thoughts prey on your sexuality (regardless of your orientation), your relationship, cheating or being disloyal etc.

OCD causes significant withdrawal from others, fears of being a monster, intense guilt over intrusive thoughts, disgust with yourself over the intrusive thoughts sometimes leading to self punishment. 

OCD leads to strange behavior which more often than not leads to bullying and ostracization. To exemplify this I have an intrusive thought that I have stolen something when I am inside stores, my check-check-check-check-check-recheck! of my pockets gets me store security called so often its criminal.

OCD limits activities that may expose them to triggers or influenced by intrusive thoughts ie: not being able to take the train to work or only getting off at bus stops with even numbers.

OCD impacts where they spend time, who they associate with, what jobs they take or even if they have a family or not

OCD leads to overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, and fear over having intrusive thoughts or images that they experience which causes them to socially isolate or have difficulty in social situations. 

OCD leads to Hyperfixation: like a lot of other things but thankfully it is just hyperfixation and not different from other diagnoses. 

OCD leads to rigidity or structured routines: I have listened to the same CD in my car for 5 years now. Every single day. 5 Years.And Im not okay with that. 

OCD impacts standards we hold ourselves to and others: its like regular perfectionism but like add on 5 extra layers of anxiety! 

OCD according to NIMH statistics 

1.2% Occurrence among US adults 

2.3% Lifetime Prevalence among US adults 

34.8% Of Adults who have OCD suffer moderate impairment to daily functioning 50.6% of Adults who have OCD suffer serious impairment to daily functioning

OCD has strong co-morbidity with the following:

Tourettes Syndrome- is a genetic friend of OCD and if you have tourettes or OCD your chances of having someone else in the family is high

ADHD

Autism 

GAD

Eating Disorders

Depression - this is a big one along with low self esteem because of the intrusive thoughts

Writers like to make jokes about characters “being OCD” well now they have clinical OCD and you should consider fleshing out your character with this information just as you would any other disorder.

Batman (DC)

Riddler (?)(DC)

Domino (Marvel)

 Cyclops (Marvel)

[piraticalarchive]

okay so for everyone who hates big corporations and management who takes advantage of their employees.. this one’s for you. it’s long but .... i find it completely hilarious.

so a brief recap: amy got fired back in march from a huge international retailer, yes? when things first started like they were going south, i worked on really re establishing a relationship with my brother who is like one level below C-suite (cfo, ceo, etc etc) of that same company because i had an idea in mind. March rolls around, amy gets fired .. and I’m like .. okay. time to put this in motion. but stress and depression obviously took the motivation away from me, but i continued to keep that line of communication up with my brother. we started talking weekly, sometimes twice a week via an actual call. well, i’m finally feeling better .. so this week i finally put my plan in motion. here’s how it went

stage 1: i sent a text to my brother asking if i applied to the store in my area if i could use him as a reference. he said, of course but every store is hiring so i’d look at any store besides that one. (which is already fucking hilarious but i digress) ... so i call the store and one of the managers who sat in on amy’s firing answers when i ask to speak to someone involved in hiring (oh lucky day). I start off with “hi! I’m sorry to bother you, but I’ve been looking for a job thats a bit of a change of scenery and my brother is the *insert position name* and works in *insert headquarters location* and he recommended i give the company a try despite that I had a less than stellar experience last time”. And this manager FALLS OVER telling me they are hiring for so many positions blah blah blah and then at the end when i’m like “thanks for the information! I’m definitely going to apply!” she’s like “of course! I’ll give our hiring manager your information so she can pull it immediately. Whats your name?” and i give my name and suddenly its just dead fucking silent... because they know who I am and they know that I’m in a relationship with amy and that i know what they did. But she recovers and is like ‘can’t wait to see your application!’ .. so.. okay. stage 1 was a success. but then, enter...

unexpected event: the store manager himself calls me. Starts off with some small talk, finally gets around to saying ‘so I hear you’d like to come back and work for us? I was looking at your previous application and I didn’t see any mention of the relation you talked about when you called”. And I’m like “oh, yeah... I don’t like using stuff like that because I’d prefer to get in on my own merit  and skills and not by a family member’s position. Plus its like that show undercover boss, you know? I get to see what the place is like before they know. BUT given with what happened to amy, I was unsure if I’d even be considered without a reference like that” and he laughs nervously and is like “i totally get it. So did anyone know that you had a brother in that position?” and I’m like “oh i mentioned it once in passing to [amy’s manger] but I just said my brother was in corporate and there are a lot of levels so i think he just left it at that” and the store manager is like ‘haha yeah different levels but thats like ... its own level...” and we talk a little bit and he’s like “what made you want to come back?” and I’m like “like i mentioned before, the amy thing really threw me off. I was angry and the good thing about siblings is you don’t have to sugarcoat stuff. So I went to my brother and was like this is how you treat people?? are you kidding?? what about job security?? and i sent him the picture amy had snapped of her discharge papers where it listed the reason and he told me that, and everything else I yelled at him about,  wasn’t the company’s way and that the store had seriously violated something. So for one, I now know that isn’t actually something that should have happened and  two, i inadvertently brought this store to corporate’s attention and there are a lot of good people who work here, and they don’t deserve the consequences of that, so I want to help make it right” and he’s fucking sweating yall, I can hear it over the phone. and he’s like “fill out your application and put whatever you want down and we’ll call you and talk about positions and we can find a way to give you what you want” and I’m like “oh, don’t tell me that nick because your chair is looking awfully good right now” and he did a nervous laugh. SO, unexpected event made my plan even better. Then we get to:

Stage 2: I apply. I check literally every management position, including the one they fired amy from and also some hourly positions and put down ridiculous hours. I pass the manager test with flying colors and when it asks why i said i want to be a team trainer i wrote down ‘thanks to knowing the home office, i know how things should work and I want to help this store raise its position in the district and I know what policies aren’t being followed to help make that raise smoother.” I submitted the application, called the first manager I had spoken to and told her I had done so and she was like “I’m sure we’ll give you a call tomorrow!” ‘Tomorrow’ came and by 7 that night, they hadn’t contacted me. So I went to the ‘we’re hiring’ image they had posted on their facebook page like an hour previously and tagged my brother and was like ‘dude this is one of the positions at my store i was telling you about. think i could pull it off?” AND BAM ! they sent me a request for a phone interview at 8am the next morning. I scheduled my interview for later that afternoon at 2:45 and we enter Stage 3.

Stage 3: Amy and I go to the store to pick up a few things. It’s suddenly fucking spotless. There are no gaps in the shelves, the floor has been cleaned since the last time we were there (monday night and i called them tuesday and it is now white and shiny as hell) and they have the lights turned up all the way so you can actually see. EVERY FUCKING AISLE is perfect. Cat food? perfect. Funko pops? stacked and lined up perfectly. Video games? Filled. Clearance aisle? Perfect order. Like its super obvious they did a mad dash and tried to get the store in shape. So amy and I walk down every single aisle and point things out and kind of put our heads together and talk and I take out my phone and act like i’m texting etc .. basically we’re just fucking with people’s heads because the managers are nearby and they can see what we’re doing. 

Stage 4: So later we’re home and 2:45 comes and goes with NO word. No phone call, no email, no hey can we reschedule. they FORGOT about the interview. I’m dying because they’re making it even better and even easier to fuck with them. So I text my brother (who KNOWS my mental health has been in the trash) and I’m like “I filled out an application just to see and they set up an interview and blew me off. You were right .. not a great help when it comes to the blues” and he was like “yep...i’d look at literally any other store” and talked to me a bit more about it. He was irritated that they’d do that and kept saying they were on thin ice.  Finally at 5 they text me and they’re like “hey, this is the [insert store] and we’re sorry we missed your interview. I wanna apologize. Can we reschedule?” And I wait like an hour and a half (i was napping, i’ll admit it) but I respond with “I apologize for the late response, I had a prior commitment I had to take care of. Unfortunately, I reached out to someone [they know who it is. they know]  in the off chance I had misunderstood the process since I hadn’t heard from you guys and I was encouraged to pursue opportunities at other branches in the area. Thank you for the original consideration and I hope you have a great day!” and they waited until 11am the next day to reply back which I’m assuming is because they were waiting for the higher up management to return to the store.

Come to find out the managers are still basically pissing themselves and freaking out because not only did they a) fire someone against company policy and now know the people at the top know and b) drop the ball and forget to interview a family member of said people at the top ... I got to add salt in the wound one more time by mentioning that my brother dropped in a lot (he doesn’t) and that I’d love to show off the store since it’s such a huge part of the community and it was looking better than I’d ever seen it look. And that it would be nice because he’d get the real experience since it wasn’t a formal, announced visit .... but, of course, that he’s salary .. so the policy is that he’s always ‘at work’ and obligated to take note of things.

so basically, i feel justified. Six and a half months of careful planning and maneuvering was totally justified. 10/10, I’d do it again. Let this be a lesson that patience in planning vengeance is completely worth having and I hope I helped make the store better for employees who aren’t management by putting the fear of god into them with the idea that my brother or anyone else from his office can just drop the fuck in whenever they want with a totally casual visit that could still fuck the management over completely. This is a good week, mates .. a very good week. Am I petty? yes. Do i hate their guts and feel like it was an entertainment that was totally worth it given what they did to the love of my life? also yes.

[jxmieoleksiaks]

Tell me you love me. T. Seguin

This is for @hockeynetwork​ ‘s winter gift exchange. 

Word count: 2.4K

I was given the amazing @danglesnipecelly​ and..let me tell you. Nothing I’m going to write is going to be like hers. She is an amazing talent, and her fics, are pretty freaking amazing. I re did this about 4 times, changing players in between, and trying to go with themes you liked. I really hope this is okay for you, and from one K to another, I hope this is something you’ll enjoy

💚 🐧

It was a warmer than normal December Saturday night. You had the windows open, and wanted to get out in the fresh air. Your boyfriend was still dealing with an injury, but he was moving better than he was, even if you guys drove around the neighborhood, and grabbed some ice cream it would have been a good date. That sounded nice, but Tyler was once again on his new PS5, playing Call Of Duty with the guys.

You didn’t mind that he was playing, he wasn’t that much of a gamer until an entertainment store in Canada sent him and other players the PS5. Now he was playing all the time. It took his mind off the injury, and everything surrounding it, but he didn’t pay that much attention to you anymore, and it wasn’t due to the game.

After the terrible loss of Tampa Bay, you stayed with him in bed for days. He wasn’t the type to mope about a big loss, but being so close, and wanting to win it for the city that he called home, the city that made him feel beloved, and the city where you resided, hurt more than you could have ever imagined. A month and a half later, he went to New York for his hip surgery, and with the help of you and his mom, you both were nursing him back to health.

Now, a couple weeks until the season was to start again, he was down that he couldn’t join the team just yet. Him and Ben were in the same boat about having a recovery until April, but the fact he wasn’t ever out this long, stung for him too.

You were more than understanding, you knew that was a lot for one person to go through in the last 5 months, but you felt more like a caregiver, or just a helper instead of his girlfriend.

“Are you gonna tell daddy I want some attention?” You asked Cash, who was laying on the couch next to you as you flipped through the channels, not in the mood to watch College Football. You sighed to yourself, feeling kind of dumb that you wanted attention, but even the cuddling at night felt different. Were you not doing it for him anymore?

You got off the couch, Cash not moving from his spot, and you headed upstairs, passing the entertainment room before heading to the bedroom.

“Need anything?” You asked, being too nice for your damn good.

There was no response, all you could hear was him trash talking Stephen.

You walked into the bedroom and slammed the door, before crawling into the king size bed, covers up to your face.You were running out of options, of getting him to listen to you. You had called your Mom asking for advice, and well, she didn’t know either, she told you to be patient, as he’s too good of a guy to do something like that. You had watched him grow mature in the last couple years, especially being shit on by the powers that be of the team, you knew he could prove everyone wrong, and just hoped that you would also be proved wrong.

The sound of hobbling footsteps were coming down the hall, closer to the bedroom. You wanted to act like you were asleep, but it was only 4:30 in the afternoon. Sure, you were tired, but it wasn’t the type of tired that sleep would fix.

“Baby? What’s up?” Tyler asked, adjusting the snapback on his head, his gaze focusing on you under the blankets in the bed.

“Like you would know.” You lashed out. It didn’t mean to come out that way, but there was no way you could hide how you were feeling.

“What the hell are you talking about?!” He asked, sounding confused.

“Shouldn’t you be going back to the game? I’m sure they’re doing more than I am for you.”

Tyler stood still, his head cocking to the side.

“Is it because I’m on the game?” He questioned, never thinking you were the type that would get annoyed with the game.

“I mean, that doesn’t help, but I get it, not much else to do, but…” You said, pulling the covers off of you and sitting up on the bed, him still in the same position.

“Then what is it? Talk to me.” He went to sit on the bed.

“I’ve been trying to! You won’t listen to me!” You sounded almost desperate, but things had to be said. “I know that since you came home, thing’s have sucked and have been tough, I’m understanding of that, but you don’t look at me the way you used to…” You felt defeated.

“What?” Tyler spoke, not sounding rude, but more confused than anything.

“I’ve taken care of you since coming home, mentally and physically, and now all I feel like is a caretaker, like..I’ve been hired to make sure you’re okay. When we’re cuddling it feels different, I know we haven’t had a date night since before you went, and it makes sense, but not even something to show that I still mean a lot to you.”

“Seriously…what’s going on…” He said, his tone was more annoyed.

“Do you not love me anymore? Do you think I’m just someone to help you whoever you need it, and when you don’t you just go talk to the guys? Have you even noticed I’ve stopped caring what I’ve looked like because I can’t remember the last time you told me I was amazing, and that you loved me. I can’t remember the last fucking time you told me you loved me. We’ve had sex once since you came home from the bubble, and yeah the surgery was the big reason, but you won’t even hold me like you used to.”

“So you don’t think I love you because I haven’t fucked you?” He spat out.

“Oh my Fucking God, you don’t even listen to me.” You huffed and got out of the bed.

“You make no sense!” He yelled back.

“I said, you haven’t told me you loved me since August. You haven’t asked anything about me, how I felt, made any notations towards me since you got home. You paid more attention to your mom the week she was here, than you have the two months you’ve been home! I…I don’t know what I’ve done…but if you don’t love me anymore..just tell me…and I’ll leave.” You could feel the tears pool behind your eyes.

You didn’t give him a chance to speak, as you stormed out of the bedroom and down the stairs, not able to look at him in the eyes. You ended up on the back patio, feet dangling in the water of the pool.

Tyler thought for a moment. He had been dealing with a lot, but he never did really say anything that wasn’t about him lately. Sure, the pain killers he was on for the hip didn’t help any, or the physical therapy, being in pain almost for the 4 months, slowly getting better. But you had done so much for him. You even took the week off he came home, as you already were going to in case of the win, to stay home with him. You went to the pharmacy for him, got him almost everything he wanted, and took you for granted.

He felt like a dumbass. He felt like the worst boyfriend in the world, hell, he was the worst. He didn’t think, and yeah, he wasn’t the smartest guy half the time, but he knew how amazing you were, and didn’t want to lose you, in any sense of the word.

He hobbled down the stairs, and looked around the downstairs area for you. Tyler walked outside and saw you looking down at the water in the pool. He could still hear your last sentence in his head. The way your voice cracked, tore his heart in half. He had to make this right, and he had to make sure that you knew you were the most amazing person in his life.

Tyler sat down slowly next to you, looking at you with a softened look.

“Can I talk?” He asked quietly, not wanting you to blow him off.

You didn’t say a word, you didn’t know if you wanted to hear the next words that were about to come out of his mouth.

“Well, I want to, so I’m gonna talk…” He said before taking a deep breath. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am. You’re right, I was oblivious on how much you did for me, how much you gave up for me…”

You looked up at the house, before looking back down at the water.

“I was so focused on what I was feeling, because everything was a lot, but I couldn’t think of anyone else. You were always there for me the last few months, and I just fucking blew you off. I know the pain meds don’t help, but I’ve never been more thankful for you, I’ve never been so in awe of someone before. You’ve done everything you can to take care of me. I’m finally on the mend, but you took care of me emotionally, and physically, and I can’t even begin to tell you how much that meant to me…” He said to you, hoping you would look up at him,

“The game helps, because I can bond with the guys, and it’s hard knowing I can’t go into training camp right now, playing’s all I’ve known for years, and it’s hard knowing I can’t do it. That’s no excuse, I know. But I love you…you may not believe it, but I do, more than you know.”

You finally looked up at Tyler, you could see the hurt and the sorry in his eyes.

“Really?” You said quietly, not wanting to say much, but still wanting to make sure his words were sure.

“Of course, I wouldn’t want anyone with me but you. I know I’ve been a dick in not taking you for granted, but everything you’ve done for me, meant everything to me. You’re someone I can’t imagine my life without. I’m sorry I made you feel unloved, and un-beautiful. You are the most beautiful person in the world, a face of makeup, or bare faced. “

You were about to cry again, but because of his words this time. You felt embarrassed for asking him to say things to you, but you were someone that needed validation. You needed words of love, admiration.

“I know our sex life kind of died, but don’t think I haven’t thought about it all the time. I..I haven’t treated you the way you deserve, and I don’t know how to make it up to you. I’m so, so sorry you felt like this.”

You leaned your face into his shoulder, and he pulled you in close. Your head was in his chest, and you couldn’t help but sob.

“I know you care, and lo…” He shushed you before you could go on.

“No, you had every right to bring this up. I’m not this kind of guy, and the situations haven’t been ideal, but I’m a man of words to you, and I haven’t been showing that. I know I have a lot to make up for, and I promise I will. You just tell me the word, and I’ll do whatever I can for you….within reason.” He said, which coughed you to chuckle lightly.

“I’ll make a list…there’s months to make up for Seguin, but…” You said, you didn’t want to ask for sex right now, could he? But you just missed his touch, you missed in the way he would hold you in those intimate moments.

“But what?” He asked, pushing some hair out of your face.

“I don’t know what the doctor said about sex but…nothing major?” You felt your face get red, as you removed your face from this chest and wiped the remaining tears off your cheeks.

“Ah..well..I don’t know how much I can do, but I’m not letting my lady down.” He smiled before kissing you softly, but with more passion than you had felt in months. “I’d carry you..but I don’t wanna wobble and shit…” He said, feeling bad.

“No I get it, let’s go.” You nodded before he grabbed your hand and held it tightly before walking back into the house, and back up the stairs.

You two re-entered the bedroom and he shut the door.

“I..think to be safe, you need to be on top. And it’s not me wanting to see those tits in my face, it’s…injury reason.” He said, knowing he probably asked the doctors way too much about getting back into sex.

“Mhm…” you playfully rolled your eyes as you removed your clothes, knowing there was a time and place for foreplay, and this wasn’t it.

“I asked, he probably things I’m a freak or something…” He laughed before he was able to slide off his clothes, slower than you did.

You hovered over him, and he pushed the stray piece of hair again back behind your ear. “You really are the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” He said before his lips landed on yours.

The way you too connected, felt like the first time. It was something that the both of you had forgotten what it felt like. You went slow, which wasn’t the speed for the two of you, but it was needed, needed more than anything. His hands rested on your hips as you thrusted, and rode him. The moans filled the air, and it felt passionate and raw.

You both came, after not lasting very long. Usually if it didn’t last long, one of you would feel embarrassed, but the face you didn't have sex for quite a long time, made it perfectly fine. You leaned down and rested on his chest, him still inside of you.

“I love you…” You said, placing a kiss on the bare space on his upper chest.

“I love you too, more than anything in this entire world baby girl. I promise.” He kissed the top of your head, finally feeling that the two of you, were slowly on the way up back to your relationship.

[dbtskills]

Psychiatric Hospitalization 101

So you’re about to save your own life by going to the hospital- here’s what you need to know:

~disclaimer: I am not a healthcare professional nor have I worked in a hospital. I am simply someone who has been hospitalized multiple times. This is about acute, short-term psych hospitalization. My word is not law~

The Truth

First off, let me tell you the truth. The truth is that being hospitalized is one of the bravest things you can do. You have chosen (or perhaps you haven’t) to save your own life. Not to beat the physical vs mental illness comparison to death, but conceptually this is like going to the hospital with a broken leg to get a cast. You’re treating an acute wound, going to get a tune up, going to a safe place to heal. Unfortunately there is a stigma involved. It’s been decreasing recently and I think you’ll find psych hospitalization is a lot more common than you imagine. But it still exists. You can be proud of taking this step. It will be hard, but you’ve made the right choice.

When to consider hospitalization

Being suicidal is one of the most common reasons for hospitalization. Psychosis, panic attacks, and substance abuse are others. The main factor for choosing to hospitalize is whether you think you can survive the episode you’re having. If you’re even questioning it, hospitalization is probably a good idea. If you’re choosing between your life and the hospital, the hospital is always the right answer even if it doesn’t seem that way at the time.

The process

There are two ways to be hospitalized: through the ER and straight to the unit. The ER is the most common way. Occasionally your therapist or psychiatrist or other healthcare provider will be able to bypass the ER for you and get you straight into a bed on a unit. If you have this opportunity, definitely take it.  

If you go the ER route, you arrive and explain why you’re there. You’ll then be taken back into a room- sometimes a private room, sometimes a communal psych room. Sometimes your phone will be taken. A guard will be stationed near you to ensure you do not hurt yourself or try to run away. You may wait for hours. You’ll see a psychiatrist who will determine whether to commit you to the psych unit or send you home. If they decide to commit you, you’ll be wheeled to the unit.

For me, the worst part of the process is the ER. You’re often helped by healthcare professionals who are judgmental of mental illness or are too busy to enact kindness. It can be a very dehumanizing experience. You may regret coming to the hospital, but you did the right thing. Saving your life is always the right thing. It’s okay to regret it for a bit as long as you follow through.

What to pack

Your belongings will be confiscated upon your arrival but if you have a chance to pack or if you have someone to bring you stuff, consider these:

A warm comfy outfit like sweats (but without a string at the waist!!!!!! take it out or they won’t let you have them!), SOCKS, pjs. Loungewear basically. The hospital provides basic toiletries, socks, and gowns/scrubs/paper pants. They can provide underwear and pads as necessary. Pack a hair brush if you’ve got tangly hair bc whatever they give you will NOT suffice.

You may want to bring your medications just in case the hospital doesn’t have them in their pharmacy but you will not have access to them, all your meds will come from the hospital itself.

Books! Some hospitals have a small library but you can bring your own if they’re deemed appropriate by the staff. They provide stuff like coloring pages, puzzles, games, etc but it can get p boring.

BRING A WRITTEN LIST OF IMPORTANT PHONE NUMBERS. YOUR PHONE WILL BE TAKEN.

You will have to ask to have items you arrived with brought to you from your belongings bag. Occasionally they will be reluctant, but you can self-advocate your way through it. 

On the unit

If you came to the hospital in the evening you may get little sleep that first night. You have to do the intake where they ask you all the questions and you sign a bunch of forms. You must be up for breakfast the next day. That first day you won’t get to choose your own meals but you will fill out a meal card for the next day. 

Most of your day will consist of shuffling between different mental health groups. Mental Health Professionals (often social work masters students) run groups on addiction, coping skills, community resources, gratitude etc etc in addition to your stereotypical group therapy. There are 3 meals a day, snacks available, and lots of downtime. There’s also activity hour where you do crafts or play games. During activity hour in my last hospitalization I painted a cackling coffin (it was October). 10/10. 

You will have a roommate. My experience is that you both mind your own business while being kind and it’s generally okay. 

They will take your blood pressure and vitals at least once a day. It’s annoying but necessary. They may do labs and draw your blood depending on your circumstances. If you have a physical illness as well, it may be a battle to make sure you are seen and treated for that too. All I can say is be your best advocate. 

You will not have your cell phone. This will be stressful at first but hopefully nice after a bit. You can call whomever you want using the hospital phones that are on during downtime. You may have to ask the staff to dial if it’s out of the hospital area code. People can also call you if they know where you are. Do what you need to do but also don’t be the Phone Hogger bc we all want to use it too. 

Visitors are allowed during certain hours. It’s not like a regular hospital visiting situation where they can just sit by your bed for hours. It’s like once a day for an hour you can get a visitor, no more than two at a time or whatever the rules are. No one can visit or call you without your permission. Visits by loved ones are so so nice and make you feel human again. I would encourage finding someone you trust who can visit you. It can make a world of difference. 

"How can I get out faster?”

This is a hack question tbh. I know everything sucks but you are there to heal first and foremost. Generally they release you when the psychiatrist thinks you’re ready to go. The average stay for something like an acute suicidal episode is 3-5 days. That’s enough time in the dr’s eyes for you to stabilize and receive any medication changes. If you are on the unit voluntarily, you can technically leave at any time. I’m not sure I’ve seen anyone insist on it though. Ask your doctors when they are considering releasing you so you can plan. They may change their answer so casually check in now and then.

Go to groups and participate in them. If you're hiding in your room all day the nurses will notice and they do write that down. There may be many people on the unit, but the nurses are keeping track and taking roll. If you can, be open, honest and compliant with your treatment team. Now there’s a part of me that goes “Fuck The System!!!! Fuck being compliant! I am my own woman and my illness is Me and not something to be stigmatized or hidden. Take me to Bitch Planet, bitch!!!” This is totally valid. You just have to decide what is more important to you- being noncompliant in the face of a judgmental system or getting back to the world. As much I want to rebel, my perfectionism and people pleasing tend to kick in by the second day on the unit. 

The aftermath & “what do I tell people?”

When you are being prepped for release, you must have appointments with your outpatient treatment team set up. If you don’t already, the hospital will schedule them for you. If there’s someone who can pick you up, utilize that. Otherwise they may set you up with a cab or something depending on the location. You will be given the bag containing your phone and other belongings upon release. 

It is up to you to decide what to tell people about your stay on the unit. You can be honest with whomever you choose, but you don’t have to be. You can say you were out of town or had a family emergency or whatever you want. It is not your responsibility to break the stigma. If you can and want to, go for it! We will all appreciate it. But you don’t have to advocate if you don’t feel comfortable. I tell many of my friends and family the full truth and then tell others that I was “in the hospital.” If they ask questions I say I don’t want to talk about it. This works better than you might think. (It surprised me how respectful people are when you say you don’t want to talk about something.) Most people won't even ask, tbh. 

It's not all garbage

It’s not all drugged up zombies and Dissociation Time: my last experience was pretty lit. We had morning “stretches” to ‘80s bops. We played Wii bowling. We discussed aliens and conspiracy theories.  In a place with such a heavy stigma on it, it was a surprisingly Shame-Free environment. It was comforting to be in a place where everyone Got It. At night we would get our meds and then drift off to bed one by one as the meds hit to goodnights of “ope, the Seroquel’s kicking in.” The variety of people on the unit proves that mental illness affects everyone, from the college student to the 75-year-old retired man to the soccer mom with 3 kids. And they each have different ways of coping, different perspectives on their situation. These other perspectives can be inspiring, even helpful and you may pick up as many tips from your peers as the actual professionals. Respect your peers, don’t be that person who’s like “why am I, Normal Person, locked up with all these Crazy People?” If you’re in there, you’re all in the same boat. Crazy is a slur and no one there is crazy unless they choose to reclaim the term.

The staff can be quite kind as well. I once had a nurse go down to the gift shop to get me a tiny hair brush for my waist-length tangled hair. He didn’t have to put in that effort but he did. This past time I had an MHP sit with me after a session and develop personalized affirmations that she wrote in my journal with her gorgeous, swooping handwriting. It’s small things like these that end up mattering most in an environment that can feel harsh. There can be great kindness there, under all the rules and regulations, you just have to be open to it.

I’ve made a wide range of friends in hospitals. Ones I’d never have even encountered in real life. Even though we haven’t kept in touch, I think of them often. My roommate with terminal kidney failure who got ECT twice a week but took the time to ask how I was. A recent immigrant from Nepal who didn’t speak any English but with whom I communicated anyway. Sandy, my homeless roommate who gave me all of her toiletries instead of taking them with her. Trevor, a young heroin addict who guarded my chocolate cake when I had a phone call. Curtis, a retired professor deep in psychosis whom we taught to Wii bowl. There are so many different lives that tangle with each other on the unit. In this way I consider it a gift, to have a window into all these different worlds that are connected by this one string. I’ll never see these people again, but I’ll never forget them either. I hope they’re all still out there, getting by.

Getting hospitalized can be one of the scariest and hardest experiences but it is also one of the bravest. You saved your own life. Even if you didn’t bring yourself in, your participation saved it. It is a chance to reorient yourself to life, to recovery. It is a second, a third, a 15th chance. It’s like a terrible mini vacation. Responsibilities are lifted so you can focus on yourself. Utilize it if you can.

Again, my word is not law, it is based on my own experiences on the inside and outside of psych units. Please please reply or send asks with your own information. I know I’m not the only one on here who’s been hospitalized. We are legion. We survived. We survive. 

**Note from Kat: I am trying to learn graphic design (is my passion™) but the struggle is real and it does NOT come naturally so if anyone wants to help hmu!!!!! Can’t pay obvi but can link!**