#trying to deal with my own shit | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mercuryrisinginvirgo · 2 years ago

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You can't force people to love you.

You can't force people to engage with you.

You can't force people to feel anything for you.

All you can really control are your own thoughts and reactions.

Perhaps everything will start to fall into place when we stop giving a shit about what other people think and finally start taking care of ouselves first.

#personal #thoughts #trying to heal #trying not to give up on life #trying not to let other people's actions bother me #trying to deal with my own shit #trying to live #trying to convince myself that everything will be okay #even if it isn't

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nonbinoclard · 4 months ago

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they could never make me hate you, miss oranje

#disco elysium #de fanart #de #disco elysium fanart #quick sketch tht i just dressed up a little hah #ive been seeing klaasje hate recently in diff circles and it makes me so sad bc i really love her #she’s SO complicated and morally grey and i really feel like ppl forget just how much shit she’s already dealing with #and just focus on how harry feels when he finds out she lies… like YEAH i would too in her situation #trying to stay spoiler free for my buddies but its just like. ppl seem so hard on her. im not saying shes a good person #but shes not an evil master manipulator either. shes just trying to survive in her own way #my art #if klaasje has 100000 fans im one of them. if theres only one its me. if there are none im dead

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dykedvonte · 1 month ago

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Honestly I see Jimmy's refusal to put Curly out of his misery less about his weird feelings of envy or his delusions but the fact Curly is all but stated to be a shield to Jimmy from his actions and people seeing the worst in him.

The only characters that Jimmy really interacts with one on one before the crash are Curly and Anya, two individuals he has wildly different relationships with. It's likely that Curly really did most of the talking between them as the pilots and the rest of the crew as staff. They didn't know of Jimmy's more reprehensible behaviors cause they never really had the chance to and Jimmy is subconsciously aware. If they had disliked him more than Anya would have told Swansea earlier or even Daisuke when things got really bad.

It's why he takes the immediate opportunity to blame Curly; He's the shield. He's saved Jimmy's ass more times than he can count and more times than Jimmy would ever admit. Even when he can't really do it anymore, he mentally shields himself from his own faults by putting Curly between them. Letting Curly die puts too much on him because he doesn't know how to function without a safety net.

In the end Curly only lives because Jimmy needs the idea that Curly will inevitably make things better to stay alive, meaning Curly has to live, no matter how much it pains him to do so.

#in short Jimmy doesnt only care about Curly #he only cares about the securtiy that Curly provides him #and i headcanon that the reason he tried to kill everyone is because he knew it was only a matter of time befor Curly realized this wasnt #somethgin benign Jimmy did that he could smooth over but somethign that Curly would repremand and condem him for and take his security away #like yes Curly did not react fast enough or strongly enough to what Anya told him but you could see him showing more concern over it as I d #understand the psychology behind people and more specifically men like Curly as he is hearing something horrible his friend did to someone #he cares about but has less of a bond with. he feels the need to protect his crew as people first and sadly Jimmy is still the person he wa #closest too yet I still think everything happened too fast for Curly to process as would you not grapple with the fact your closest friend #is a monster you must personally deal with? or that he did something so vile to someone else you have become protective over? Would you not #think of the relative power that friend holds and how if you approuch this wrong it could end badly for everyone? He had all these thoughts #but not enough time to think about them. Also how Jimmy was one of the main people in his personal life he felt a need to protect seeing as #he got him this job. Like imagine the one person you are really trying to make good is still bad after everythign and now you have to be th #hand of judgment youve shielded them from for so long like I do not think Curly handeled the initial situation with Anya correctly I dont #think it was the case of him not believing but not really knowing what to do and feel about it as a friend of both parties the captain and #guy going through his own shit and it says so much that he was dealing with all that so well compared to Jimmy who got everyone killed cuz #he thought being captain would be like sitting on the thrown and not emotionally mentally and physically taxing like I cant say Curly is th #best person due to his inaction but he is a good person doing the best with the knowledge and shitty resources he has cuz like also Id just #be terrified that my suicidal and nilihst bestie who clearly has an inferiority complex around me is the copilot who has access to the most #to the most important parts of the ship and the means to kill us all if he feels like him or his security are being threatened like #Anya and Curly just deserved better because they get put through the ringer like just put him in a class to teach him to be less trusting #anya mouthwashing #curly mouthwashing #captain curly #mouthwashing #mouthwashing game #mouthwashing curly #mouthwashing anya #mouthwashing jimmy #jimmy mouthwashing #mouthwashing spoilers

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orchid-n-petals · 1 year ago

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So I've already shared parts of this on a discord server, but I have to scream about Ketheric Thorm on here as well. Obviously spoilers about the character under the cut! It's a long one.

The entirety of act 2 is about him, right? Jaheira, Shadowheart and numerous other NPCs shit on him for his fickle faith. First Selune, then Shar, then, as we meet him, Myrkul. You hear about his changes of faith on a whim, you hear that he's the person responsible for the shadow curse, he is painted as a villain, plain and simple.

You can figure it out pretty early on that Isobel was resurrected and that she is his daughter; the detail as well that he wants Isobel alive is so on the nose, it gives him away completely but there are still a few questions that remain unanswered, mainly about his faith.

And then you get to the mausoleum and the picture assembles; this entire tragedy, the death of hundreds if not thousands and the complete ruination of a landscape was all, ALL because you had this absolutely wrenched, heartbroken father who had lost everything and nobody answered his grief. He was left woefully alone, the Goddess whose daughter his daughter was involved with did nothing to save Isobel.

Imagine outliving your wife and your daughter. Imagine dedicating your life to fight the Lady of Loss, your Lady of Silver's enemy, and then be left so completely alone and in silence with your grief, with your loss. It's so, so poetic how and why he turned from Selune, and it's so understandable as well; he broke. His spirit completely broke. He couldn't deal with that void of having lost the only two important people in his life, seemingly undeservedly so. He was going mad with this and a lot of his ire was likely targeted at Aylin who, in his eye, represented Selune; she's literally her daughter, after all, and it was implied that even before the deaths of his family, he sort of saw Aylin courting Isobel as Selune taking his daughter from him, despite his service. This relationship was clearly not seen by him as a boon of "giving his daughter to the Moon-maiden".

His ways in the past clearly didn't spare him from tragedy and having to cope with it (which he clearly didn't, he snapped under the weight of his grief). He was clearly angry and unable to do anything, furious and helpless, which is a dangerous combination. A good part of his first change of heart must have been fuelled by a sense of revenge.

But then Shar didn't provide any balm to his aching heart either. If you read his letters in Grymforge and in act 2, he is so focused on enacting the will of Shar because he believes that healing lies in oblivion. Everything would be easier if he could just forget, if the damn world could just forget, if nothing was remembered because without Melodia and Isobel, nothing was worth remembering.

Then came Myrkul. Literally the only god who was not only able, but WILLING to give back his daughter to him. Imagine spending your all, EVERYTHING you have to serve two gods who would not give a single shit about the greatest suffering in your life. You were basically nothing, your loyalty didn't matter for shit, everything that was taken from you amounted to no recognition whatsoever: you should simply cope and seethe. Your grief will not simply go unanswered (which is not inherently antagonising) but ignored.

And then comes this supposedly evil entity who can alleviate your pain just like that, snap of a finger and it's a done deal.

I am so serious when I say that I believe Ketheric's main incentive was to extend Aylin's immortality to Isobel as well. You can read in her diary that she feels a taint after having came back, and there are things not even Selune can cleanse, but at this point, Ketheric doesn't care about Selune, vengeance is secondary if not tertiary, he's done that war during his Shar years and what did it give him? Literally nothing.

He doesn't even care about the fact that Isobel is still her cleric. He cares about the single most important fact: Isobel is back. Life is worth living again, there is something for him, and it was not Selune or Shar who gave it to him but Myrkul, and for this singular gift, he would raze the world for the Lord of Bones. Like people can clown on him for being disloyal but the man has the loyalty of a dog bonded to its owner.

He is powerful and is willing to go to insane lengths for crumbs. What is raising a single life for a god? Nothing. It has happened and it will happen again. But Ketheric will go to the ends of the earth to serve the single god who actually listened to him. The one god who didn't ignore him.

He knows that what he does is not the morally upright thing! He is so insanely self-aware that allying with Orin and Gortash and doing this entire plot with them only to then betray them is morally reprehensible at the best of times, he knows that people hate him, etc-etc. He was a Selunite at one point and he's not stupid. He just doesn't care; it could be literal Asmodeus and he wouldn't care as long as he got what he wanted, no matter the price.

He is probably the only one from the three of the chosen who has complete clarity over his situation, he almost sways (if you pass the check during his confrontation), he is not an inherently evil man blinded by power.

But he is inherently loyal to those deserving, and as of the story's standing, completely broken by his grief. In his eyes, at this point, the only one deserving loyalty is the one who actually listened to him. Isobel lives. It doesn't matter that she hates him, that his entire life has fallen apart, that literally nothing else that is good has come of it, because Isobel lives.

I don't think he regrets a single thing. His consciousness might tear at him at the end, but I believe he would do everything over again, exactly as he did, because in the end, his daughter was brought back. Because what would a grieving, broken parent give to bring back their child? Everything. Absolutely everything. And it's such a simply given answer, no second thoughts, no doubts.

Nobody can tell me that this man is fickle. Nobody. This man was willing to burn the world to the ground, create a Boudica destruction layer all by himself for the one single thing he wanted. For any God that would listen.

I don't know, I just have a lot of thoughts about his character.

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #ketheric thorm #and I also have a lot of thoughts of how Aylin foils him #I fully believe that he was in the right in the capacity that he switched around his gods when he was literally ignored despite his life's #work. despite all that he has given. I think it's reasonable to expect in the world of gods who actively meddle in mortal affairs on their #whims and make shit worse that in just one single case they would. idk. NOT expect one of their devotees to remain blindly loyal to them #after their prayers go unanswered. like yes; go and try your luck elsewhere because this devotion of yours is clearly being taken for #granted. you get NOTHING out of your worship. you can't even sleep well because your loved ones are dead and you are expected to just what?#deal with it on your own? and remain loyal? why?#some sense of 'honour'?#I really like this depiction of faith actually. I really like when clerics and paladins are given agency and critical thought that hey!#this is actually giving me nothing despite me dedicating my entire life to it! and I have only one of it so why not take it somewhere where #it's actually valued. you know. as a treat.#I *personally* much more prefer this depiction of a crisis of faith than what we got with Shadowheart or Lae'zel; their stories are very #interesting on their own but I think throwing yourself from one end to the other not because you actually have a goal that it could serve #but because you are desperate for a purpose #is a slightly less potent character narrative than having an actual goal yourself. not by much but by a little.#again #PERSONALLY

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blue-eli · 10 days ago

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Ink October day 11: Firebreak

A strip of land that has been cleared, plowed, or planted with fire-resistant vegetation to prevent a fire from spreading.

#kh riku #riku kingdom hearts #kingdom hearts riku #riku kh #dream eater riku #kingdom hearts #kh #kingdom hearts dream drop distance #kh ddd #blue boi draws #ink october #ink october 2024 #ink October 2024 day 11 #I think this one might be my favourite of this years #it’s simple but I really like how it turned out #anyway Riku as a firebreak but instead of fire it’s darkness. guy who is darkness resistant who helps keep back the darkness #Riku using his darkness as a sorta ‘controlled burn’ method of fighting darkness #honestly darkness as a natural force vs darkness as a corrupting force… Riku having natural darkness and using it in a controlled way #to avoid build up that could be used against him by others with ill intentions #honestly Riku and how he deals with his darkness is really interesting. like local 16-17 yo figures out stuff on his own that keyblade #wielders have struggled with for ages. I think his method would be a big help to Terra in particular.#I feel like what Xehanort was teaching him was less controlled burn and more use it with reckless abandon. like he talked a lot of shit #about ‘controlling the darkness’ but we know he was just trying to foster the darknesses control on Terra so he could use it to fuck with #him. Terra would definitely be hesitant to try to learn again after that but hopefully Riku will be able to communicate the base idea of it #inbetween searching for Sora.#honestly Darkness and it’s connection to fire is interesting to me. there’s maleficents green fire. that one move Riku uses a lot.#the appearance of darkness resembling fire is common (it’s either that or goop. shout out to darkness goop) which is odd #because fire is a light bringer. it’s probably meant to pull on the consuming power of fire but still #anyway i love him

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beatcroc · 5 months ago

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hi mecha, what would you do if you went to penacony

#this is my ''i don't do crossovers'' response. sorry! but i did at least get to make it funny #i WANTED to try and get my browser looking like some 1998 shit for this but idk how :pensive:#in lieu of that i just make it that he uses plaintext. modern coding gives him a headache.#hes on that johnny5 reading speed though. he can probably like directly translate data strings for images or something idk #bit of a chore but it beats dealing with adware #this is just 1:1 recreating my own actions upon receiving this ask which is always fun to get to do #mecha sonic #msab #sonicposting #off-art

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bacchuschucklefuck · 3 months ago

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just realized after sophomore year's article class swap riz would 100% have assassins after him

#not art #fh class quangle #holds head. yeah no it fully makes sense in my brain now. that the kid would be like if you make me deal with typical teenager problems #I am going to Kill you. like that attitude will make him so absolutely insufferable in junior year coupled with the :D #but nobody will be able to say shit bc kid literally has snipers on his ass for whistleblowing #well. nobody except for sklonda and pok who are like. ohhhh. ohh man.#sklonda is destroying every cushion in the flat bc of course she blames herself for saying anything abt tuition #while pok is like hey kiddo. I thought you didn't wanna die like me and leave ur mom alone. what's this #tho to be fair riz would 100% not give a shit abt the assassins hes fully confident in his friends and his own capability as an adventurer #of course this breaks awful for him when the junior year evil plot turns out to be fully Teenager Problems The Plot lmao #all right under his nose as he is too busy contributing child labour to 17 different publications to know anything abt his classmates #tbh I see a potential senior year plot for him too lmao. taking a break from journalism to try fiction writing

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pyrosomatic-metamorphosis · 1 year ago

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i know too fucking much about qsmp badboyhalo.

#and also. not enough #that one big summary of his Deal was like . 1k words.#and it brushed over so much shit #like his trust issues and the vacation arc and his criminal background (on qsmp) and the way he was the first to take protecting the #eggs seriously and i dont even KNOW enough about his relationship with maxo and the french that is a big blindspot for me but bad and max #(and foolish?) og founders of the theory bros the first people who started questioning cucurucho and then the french his family the people #who keep proving to be on his side over and over and i love it when he hangs out with pierre and talks create #and when he chills with antoine and helps fix the big spinning ring #and his WEIRD warrior's bond with etoiles (bad always gets along with the protectors have you noticed that #forever was the second big egg protector and baghera took care of pomme from the start and cellbit threw himself to the feds to try to help #the island and etoiles took the weight of the code attacks from bad's shoulders to his own in entirety. he respects them all a lot and i am #chewing him to pieces)#and his relationship with baghera!!!! she can read him so so well and he fucking trusts her enough to be dapper's mom #he may have felt weird about it and was jealous and :c because tahts HIS dapper but #he didn't kill her about it #or really do anything to discourage it #and he noticed her tear streaks and her leg and got Worried about the federation 'fixing' her and #genuinely he was so so happy when he realized she was back he went !!! mode #look. LOOK at these fucking tags. look back at the post. i can Keep Talking.#my point remains i know too fucking much about qsmp badboyhalo #shit and i didn't even TALK about his weird bullshit with foolish #i need a giant corkboard

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akkivee · 2 months ago

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🙂↕️🙂↕️okay okay okay so so far within the og divisions we have:

❤️: they strive for a world where words solve conflict. they pointedly did not use mics to express this. at the end of the track, they’re dynamic as brothers has shifted to a more equal dynamic, where ichiro doesn’t feel so compelled to raise them

💙: they strive for a world without violence and used their mics to resolve the conflict. at the end of the track, they reject their status quo and aim to find a new one to change the world without the use of violence

💛: wanted to be real with each other and used their mics to get that across. at the end of the track tho, they say that truth doesn’t really matter anyway and stay true to the selves they formed their bond with

🩶: a battle of wills using the mics. jakurai’s love for yotsutsuji manifested in the form of sacrificing himself and dohifu trying to stop him using their love for their bond as mtr. at the end of the track it’s that love that’s saved jakurai, healed hifumi and elevated doppo’s status at work

and things have changed for all they’ve stayed the same so i’m genuinely curious where nagosaka fits in this lol

#vee queued to fill the void #as i’m typing this i haven’t really processed the scope of mtr’s story lmao #like it may be bc i’m still a matenhoe forever and always but holy shit their love literally changed their lives #and seeing those threads come to a head like that literally made me want to projectile vomit LOL CAN NEVER FEEL NORMAL ABOUT AN MTR DT EVER #i want to draw!!!!!! the scene where sensei as calm and as at peace as he’s ever been!!!!!!!!#tell dohifu they may think him using the true hypnosis mic to save yotsutsuji is stupidity but to him!!!!!!#it’s literally the most important thing!!!!!!!! god!!!!!!!!! it’s the utter peace in his voice that literally kills me listening it!!!!!#doppo: with all due respect this boils down to your ego #sensei: my ego? well that certainly may be the case. it is i who will be saved by doing this #me: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHGG #*sniffs* god hypmic has been insane for these tracks on god pls tell me i’m not the only one who sees how insane hypmic rn #and like??????????? wtf can dh and bat deal with??????? i wish i was big brained to see where nagosaka has been going towards lol #dh has to be setting the tone tho since lowkey???? tdd are paralleling with their 1st drb match ups lol bbmtc want basically the same thing #and fpmtr reaffirmed their bonds and identities in theirs #and like ‘the trio’ makes me think rosasa are finally going to punch rei in the face for ditching them lol #but it might be time for dh to enter in the plot frfr trying to get rei from doing stuff on his own #so does bat parallel that??? trying to stop kuukou from doing things on his own???? something else?????#bc hitoya is deadass the only who has interacted with the plot in any way lmao (kuukou too as a victim of the true hypnosis mic)#this is me processing things out loud gomen thanks for attending the ted tag vomit lmao

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coldercreation · 6 months ago

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brb about to go down a research rabbit hole lol

Question of the day!

Why is showing ‘disinterest’ such prevalent thing when it comes to building friendships and relationships?

I have talked about this here before in my rants lol, but it just always frustrates me. Like, you know those arbitrary ‘rules’ in dating that you shouldn’t show too much interest or get in touch too soon, or be too ‘intense’ or interested? Like, obviously don’t be a stalker and read the room etc, but I mean if you're just a regular and safe 'well-adjusted' person, why is you showing genuine effort and interest seen as a bad thing (I don't mean love bombing, that's a whole different thing)? If you genuinely like each other, why is the social rule saying that you shouldn’t show that? Same goes with friendships, why is showing interest in the person you want to get to know sometimes, somehow, a bad thing? To a point that some people can get put off by that effort someone is showing to get to know them? Not saying everyone is like this, because I know there are so many people who aren’t. And plenty people also disregard these social rules because they aren’t actually concrete rules.

This is just a social construct and I’m trying to figure out why it is, because it seems counter productive? By what logic does it work? How are you supposed to make friends/date, if them showing interest in you makes you exit the relationship/ghost/breadcrumb?

How long are we supposed to only talk in one line texts about surface level stuff, to avoid being too much/too intense, before it’s acceptable? How do you know you’re following the same social timelines with the people you’re trying to get close to, when there’s no actual set rules? Someone might think you have to wait three days after a date to get in touch, but someone else will get offended if you take longer than two. But the next day or the same day is too desperate to some folk? And I'm talking about this from the point of view of someone who doesn't have trouble reading social cues/expectations. Can't even imagine dealing with this mess if that wasn't the case. Like what's the point of having these 'rules' if it just makes things more difficult for everyone? :')

These rules, technically, don't need to exist at all. It's all made up, based on... Something? We can always dismiss them ourselves but I'd like to know why they came to be and why we keep upholding them. I want to know the social purpose y'know? Is it a safety thing? Protecting yourself and not wanting to be vulnerable? That'd be valid, of course. But it does seem self sabotaging as it blocks people from actually making the connections they say they want to have?

I’ve been trying to find any research on the social behaviour regarding this, but I’m not sure what to even look up lol. Especially because I think the way we interact and behave has changed so much just in the last five years even.

I just find it so curious that there’s so many headlines about loneliness epidemic, but people also recoil away from others when someone does show them genuine interest and wants to talk to them.

I’ve had this initial ‘disinterest’ stage happen in the friendship context more. Also sudden, out of nowhere, communication ending/ghosting disinterest when trying to make friends (like please hurt my heart some more I beg u lmao). I haven’t really dated in the last few years so I don’t personally know how that field is at the moment, but I know ghosting is really common and people actively try to hold back from showing interest at first, even if they are reallyreally interested.

Maybe I’ll try looking more into the effects on social media etc, there’s a lot about ghosting in that context. But I just feel like it’s not quite what I mean, because I feel this disinterest phenomenon thing is separate from ghosting.

Anyway! Happy Sunday loll xx

#blah blah blah #xx #Or is this just me?? Like do you know what I mean with this?? Lmao :")#Not me writing a whole dictionary #and then realising that maybe I'm just an oversensitive butt #reading into things too much #and it could just be me lmao #but tbf #trying to make friends as an adult is a rough time!!#I have some now but holy shit I hate that shit #I legit feel like a damn golden retriever with the way I always just inherently like everyone until they give me a reason not to like them #Like everyone's just a friend I don't know yet ??#And then I had times when I'd get confused #when people would be friendly but then suddenly just ghost mid-convo #It was a couple of years ago but happened a few times too many for it to be just a coincidence #As in - I couldn't keep thinking 'oh they have their own stuff that has nothing to do with me'#So I had to accept it was something about the way I acted or talked etc #Still not 100% sure why #But I also found pals who don't seem to mind anything about the way I am so I dunno what the deal is #I think I'm embarrassing myself with these tags lolll #Maybe I'm just annoying and my current friends are able to tolerate it lmao

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butnotbubblegum · 4 months ago

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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.

#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea #like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit #and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble #and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal #and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die #and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide #like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif #like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat #is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself #is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills #feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing #actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub #i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local #and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id #if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like #such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just #is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state #by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about #living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the #urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends #and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so #fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i #hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever #bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc #everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m #father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop #i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak

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orcelito · 23 days ago

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Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.

SO......

I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.

#speculation nation #IM SO NERVOUSSSSS but i need to do it. i need to. worst case scenario i fail and have to try again another day.#i was actually gonna try to schedule for a week from today but they were full up for the next 2 weeks.#so. 3 weeks! my therapist is gonna be happy for me when i tell her haha #this is. something ive been avoiding for over 10 years now. but i decided at the start of this year that This would be my year.#Year Of Unfuck My Life. and im finally doing it. im going to finally get my license.#it's so. huge actually. a similar level of Holy Shit factor as me graduating.#which seems like an uneven comparison but honestly ive just been so so so scared of this driving test #an insurmountable obstacle bc i was stuck at school away from family to help me practice etc etc #very tied up with me being stuck at school for so long actually. the neverending purgatory of being Stuck In Place.#but my cousin lives closer to me now and hes been helping me out. and i am so very grateful.#augh augh augh augh. life is so busy and it feels like everything is happening at once AAAAAAAAAAAA #but im taking it all in stride. i am. oh god i might have to just practice and then take my audition video all on the same day.#bc i am too tired to deal with it rn and i have an exam tomorrow so idk if i can practice then. also i have to clean.#i will make it work. i will make something work. for the love of fucking god i will make it work.#no time to write barely any time to relax but thats okay i am Go Go Going and trying to keep enough time to sleep #(prior few nights being the..exception lol.)#i certainly wouldnt want to live this way for too long. but just a few more months. i can do it.#next semester hopefully wont be as busy. i'll have 3 hard classes but if im lucky they wont even have much homework.#i can do it. i can get through it. i will get my license in 3 weeks (manifesting) and i will get my own car.#i will find a new apartment to live in. i will Hopefully find a job.#within a year my life is going to be much much different.#my life is Already much much different than it was just a year ago. tho this year has been more... metamorphosis.#in a year's time. i will be 28 years old. and the pieces will Finally be falling into place (hopefully!!!!!)#for now. god i need to rest. will probably go to sleep early tonight. need to be rested for my exam tomorrow.#first tho i gotta shower and feed both me and the cats. yes.

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s0fter-sin · 7 months ago

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i’ve been watching yannis marshall choreography for like 15 minutes and i’m back thinking about my dancer au

gaz suggests a pole dancing segment for the music video for price and ghost shuts it down hard, saying he doesn’t do pole. gaz calls him selfish, that he’s just saying no to spite him but ghost holds firm; not even listening to soap as he tries to reason with him and reach a compromise

soap gets to practice early like he always does, just to see ghost blasting another life by motionless in white and doing a flawless pole routine. he’s as mesmerised by him as he always is, such beautiful movements contrasted by the seemingly harsh music, and waits for him to break before teasing, “i thought you said you couldn’t do pole dancin’.”

ghost just wipes the sweat off his face with a towel. he knew he was there

he always knows when soap’s there

“i said i didn’t do pole; not that i couldn’t.”

“what’s stoppin’ you?” soap asks, genuine and innocently curious and it’s the only reason ghost doesn’t completely shut him down

“what ‘bout you?” he asks instead. “ever done pole?”

he shrugs and sets his bag down. “enough to get in a twirl or two. ‘sides, gaz’s better suited to that kinda delicate work.”

“now, that i know is bullshit,” ghost scoffs and soap tenses, expecting him to go off on another rant about his best mate (just like he waits through gaz going off on ghost) but- “i’ve seen your competition tapes; you’re plenty strong enough to work a pole.”

soap stares at him. “how have you-?”

“price,” he answers simply, throwing the towel on top of his gear and all but stalks towards him. “i like knowin’ who i’m working with; he sent me your breakdancin’ comps. if you can hold a three-fingered hollowback handstand, you can bend on a pole.”

soap sputters as ghost grips his tank top and yanks him over to the pole, setting his hands in place on the body-warmed metal; bracketing his body with his own. he guides his body through the motions; teaches him how to fall and catch himself in a spin, how to gracefully climb and hold his body in midair

soap laughs as he throws himself into a spin just to bend his legs over his head, twisting his body to latch onto the pole with knee and lean perfectly horizontal with his other leg splayed out; his arm thrown above his head

he tips his head back to catch ghost’s grin and almost drops himself as he jumps up to join him; artfully climbing above him and holding his whole weight on his hip as he flips down to look at him

soap’s breath catches at the scant distance between their faces; so close he can count the near invisible freckles on ghosts skin, his fair lashes and the deep flecks of gold in his dark eyes

ghost is just as entranced; his grin slowly fading as he looks into the light sparkling in soap’s eyes. he tips his head towards the mirrors lining the studio and they slowly turn to look at themselves; fitting perfectly together

“see?” he whispers. “we don’t look all that outta place, do we?”

“no,” soap whispers back. “we don’t.”