#trying to change my inner monologue to not awful about it

[millerflintstone]

Look at that gleam on my specs!

[abelvis]

Summary: Austin!Elvis x Virgin!reader during the 50’s. Trying to court you, but initially you weren’t interested. He tries for some time, and you finally go to see him in concert, and it changes the way you think of him. SMUT at the Motel.

Warnings: SMUT, slight period (50s) sexism, reader is a big virgin, fluff

 Notes: some inaccuracies around the timeline of the Hayride, Graceland, and Dixie (imagine she wasn’t with Elvis ever) but fitting for the purpose of the story.

 Elvis had been trying to court you for some time now, always showing up at your doorstep with flowers for you – which was mighty brave considering the conservative soul your father was. He often referred to Elvis as ‘that damn rock n’ roll greaser boy��. He wasn’t Elvis’ greatest fan to put it lightly.

 Despite Elvis’ efforts to pursue you, you still showed him no interest. You saw him as a friend and nothing more, seeing as you were all part of the same friends group. He cared for you, and you did like having the protection of him and the other Memphis Mafia he had around him.

 “Hey baby, looking mighty fine tonight darlin’” Elvis almost shouted at you, he just couldn’t contain himself after seeing you at Graceland with everyone else.

“Thanks Elvis, you aren’t looking so bad yourself” you gave him a shy smile, acting bashful while doing so.

“What do you say you come see me tonight at the Hayride, and then we can go someplace quiet afterwards?” he whispered, winking at you.

“Elvis, I’ll come see you at the Hayride, but I need to be home by 10. I promised my Daddy” you pouted, knowingly flirting with him.

“Baby, he’ll be ok, I’ll get you home by 12?” he asked hopefully.

“Elvis, I’m standing by what I said!” you demanded.

“Ok ok, I’ll see you at the hayride sweetheart” Kissing your cheek then getting into his Cadillac.

You blushed as he did this, not really sure if you were feeling something for him. Have you tried to bottle your feelings up this whole time?

Your best friend Dixie smiled at you having watched the entire ordeal, you made an unsure face back which made her rush over.

 

“What the hell was that y/n?!” an excited tone about her question.

“Dix, I don’t know!” you squealed, while trying to keep your voice down as Elvis hadn’t left the driveway yet.

“Y/n, I think you need to give it a try, you won’t know unless you try!”

“Dix, I’m not sure. Should I? I don’t know” you battled with yourself and your inner monologue.

Dixie grabbed you by the shoulders and shook you “go for it sweetie, I promise you’ll be fine”

 

Scottie called over to Dixie “Hey Dixie, you coming baby?” They had been dating for a few months, with everything going well for them. You thought if it’s going well for them then what could possibly go wrong for you?

Bill shouted you over as you were the last one stood on the driveway; everyone had left.

“I guess you’re stuck with me y/n”

“Hey Bill, how’s everything going?” you said whilst walking over to him.

You always had a soft spot for bill, he looked out for you and was a really kind person.

In the car Bill pushed further with the Elvis thing.

“You know y/n, Elvis is mad about ya’” bill looked over to see you fiddling with your hands in your lap.

“Bill, I don’t know. What if things don’t work out and I can never show my face around here again?!” you were visibly nervous.

“Aw sweetie is that the only thing holding you back?” he said.

“Well, no, there’s also my dad. And my feelings! I’m not sure I’m that into Elvis, you know?”

“Well, that’ll break his heart into 2” he grimaced.

“I mean to say, I wasn’t sure, but I’m warming to the idea” you re-iterated.

The rest of the drive was uneventful.

 

You got into the concert hall and took your seat next to Dixie and a couple of the Memphis Mafia. A few acts had been on, and quite frankly you were ready for bed. That was until they announced Elvis, the girls went wild. Could you compete with all of these girls wanting a man who wanted you? He could have any of these chicks in a heartbeat – why you?

 

He walked onto the stage with a sultry look on his face, searching the audience. He smirked once he found you, and you shot him a coy smile back. You were so proud of what he had become, but that begged the question – could you deal with the fame and limelight of being his girl?

 

Elvis played Baby, Let’s Play House – part of you thought it was just for you as it was your favourite Elvis song. He did his usual Elvis jig, and the girls went crazy. All the while he was glancing over at you, like you were the only girl in the room. His performance made you gleam with pride for him, you were bursting with how proud you were. Then something clicked within you, how could you be so stupid? Of course, you wanted to give it a go with Elvis.

 

You couldn’t wait till you could see him after the performance. The next acts dragged, as you were so excited to see him. Finally, the Hayride was over, so you went to find him. Walking through the hall of dressing rooms you finally found Elvis’ dressing room. Scotty was inside but no sign of Elvis.

“Where’s Elvis, scotty?”

“He went round the back for some air, y/n” Scotty said, not even looking up from his guitar he was fiddling with.

You nearly ran outside to see him. There he was, your Elvis.

“Elvis!” you called, before running over to him.

“Hey Baby, did you enjoy it?” he asked with hopeful eyes.

“EP, Sweetie, that was the best I’ve ever seen you!”

Elvis beamed at the compliment. Before he could say anything else you chimed in again.

“What do you say we go some place quiet now?” mimicking him from earlier.

“Baby are you sure?” shock evident on his face.

“Let me go call my mother, I’ll tell her I’m stopping at dixies” you rushed off while Elvis nodded.

They let you into the office at the concert hall, you made the important call and met Elvis back outside where you were before.

“All good?” Elvis asked

“Yep, Sweetie, she totally bought it, I’m all yours tonight”

“Wow never thought I’d see the day. We’re all packed up now, so where would you like to go little girl? We can go to club handy, or the diner? Or go on a drive?” Elvis asked.

“Can we just go back to the Motel EP? I’m exhausted”

Elvis was a little disappointed, but he nodded and opened the car door for you.

 

On the way to the Motel, you were fidgeting again. 10 times more nervous than you were before you came.

“Hey pretty girl what’s on your mind?” Elvis caught on to your fidgeting, he had a concerned look on his face.

“Nothing, I mean it’s nothing to you, it’s fine don’t worry about it EP. It’s all fine.” You shot him a painted-on smile.

“I know something is wrong baby, I’ve known you for too long now if you think you can kid me. What’s going on?” Elvis said softly while placing his hand on yours.

“Elvis, I’m scared this won’t go the way we both want it to. And also, I’m a virgin, does that change the way you think of me because I’m not experienced like you?” naively you admitted.

Elvis laughed, and he couldn’t contain it. “Baby, of course I don’t think any less of you because you’re a virgin, that just means you’re all mine. And we don’t know how this will go unless we try hey?”

You nodded and left the conversation. It didn’t put you at ease one bit.

 

You arrived; Elvis opened the door for you. Finally, you had some alone time with Elvis.

 

As soon as you got into the room, you planted your face onto his. He kissed you back, deepening the kiss, involving tongues. This was the most passionate kiss you ever had, of course it sent flutters all over you. His hands were rubbing all over you, in an endearing way of course. You both sat down on the couch in the motel room, playing tonsil tennis for a good 10 minutes until you broke the silence.

“EP, can we go to the bed? Pretty please?” you asked with a bashful smile on your face.

“Baby, I thought you’d never ask” he replied, the most excited you’d ever seen him.

He lifted you up and threw you on the bed. The bed was the biggest bed you’d ever seen. He laid you down on the bed, moving to lay on top of you, kissing all over your body.

 

“Darlin’, I’m only gonna do what you’re comfortable with. If you want me to stop, you tell me, okay?” he said in a sultry tone. You nodded back to him, face reddening by the second, this wasn’t sufficient for him.

“I need words baby” he added.

“Yes EP, okay” you replied.

 

While kissing, he started to undress you. The stockings came first, then the shirt and then the skirt. When you realised you were half naked you covered yourself with your arms, shy and embarrassed as no man had ever seen this much of you before.

“Baby, please don’t cover yourself up from me. You’re so beautiful, I want to see all of you” he spoke softly into your ear.

“EP I’m nervous, I’ve never been in this situation before” you admitted.

“I won’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with; you just tell me, and I’ll stop baby. Do you want to carry on Sweetie?” he asked.

“Yes of course I do! Please Elvis, give me everything” you nodded to confirm you really wanted to.

“Okay just relax baby, I promise I’ll make you feel so good”

You looked up at him with trusting eyes. He peppered kisses all over your body, moving up and down, skating his hands around the waistband of your panties. You didn’t dress yourself in the most flattering pair, you didn’t know you’d be in this situation when you got dressed this morning.

“Can these come off baby?” he tapped the waistband of your panties again.

You nodded, holding your breath due to the excitement and also with how nervous you were.

He peeled them off your legs and threw them on the bedroom floor. You instantly shut your legs, on instinct and threw your hands up to cover your face.

“Can you open your pretty little legs for me please baby? Everything will be ok I promise” Elvis whispered.

 

You toyed with the idea for a couple of seconds, until you finally opened your legs for him.

“Wow princess, that is the prettiest little thing I have ever seen” he kissed your core, which made you jump. “Can I see that pretty face of yours?” Elvis pouted.

You took your hands away from your face to look at him. His eyes were full of lust, a scary hungry look on his face.

 

“Can I, baby?” he gestured towards your core.

 You nodded. You propped yourself up on your elbows so you could see what he was doing.

He put his hands on your thighs at either side to keep you open for him, and he delved straight in. His tongue licking a stripe straight up the centre of your core. Your head flew back, enjoying the unfamiliar feeling. He kept licking up and down, side to side, and even putting his tongue into you. He was enjoying the ungodly sounds coming from you, all at his mercy.

 

After 5 minutes of him attacking your pussy, you felt an unfamiliar feeling building in your stomach. You weren’t unsure what this was and whether you should have been enjoying it or not. At one point it got so intense you stopped him. You put your hand on his forehead to pull him up from your centre. “EP, I can feel something in my stomach, it’s a weird feeling I don’t know if I like it” you admitted.

“From the sounds I heard, I thought you were enjoying that baby?” concern evident on his face.

“It was really nice; I’ve just never felt this before” you were embarrassed to admit this.

“Are you sure you weren’t about to orgasm?” he asked

“Is that what that was?” you responded, shocked, as you’ve never felt an orgasm before.

“Can I carry on baby? You’ll enjoy it, I promise. You just have to trust the feeling and let go”

You nodded, and he went back to your centre. After a couple more minutes of constant stimulation from his tongue, he added his finger.

You clenched your legs together at the sudden intrusion, but his hands and head were stronger.

“Princess, you’re so tight” he said while he pulled back to admire the work, he was doing with his one finger.

“Elvis, I need your mouth on me” you said between pants and muffled cries.

“You’re doing so well princess, so so good” he whispered, then his mouth connected with your core again.

 

After a few minutes you relaxed and felt the familiar feeling building in your stomach again. Your breathing became erratic, and you were ready to let go.

That was it, you rode his face until it was too sensitive to move. Once you had come back down, he started moving back up to you.

“EP that was amazing thank you” you stroked his head while looking into his eyes.

“Baby we’re just getting started” he smirked.

He kissed you, so you could taste yourself on him. Still kissing you while he got himself undressed.

 

“Are you ready baby?” he said while lining himself up with your entrance.

The nerves kicked in again and your breathing took a hike again. You nodded, not quite sure if you were ready.

He started to push in, and you hissed in pain, he only just got the tip in.

Oh my god how big is he! You thought.

“You okay Little Girl?” he said while your eyes were closed.

“EP, its big, it hurts” you whined while your knuckles were white gripping the sheets.

“I know princess I know; we’ll go slow so you can adjust” he kissed your face.

 

He started to push further in, the pain was evident on your face.

“EP, go slow please” you whimpered.

“Of course, baby, anything for you” he replied.

After a couple of minutes of slow thrusting in and out you started to loosen up around him. Was that pleasure you were feeling? You loosened your grip on the sheets and put your hand on his back instead.

“You doing ok there, little girl?” he said, you opened your eyes to meet his. His eyes were hanging low, looking at you with complete wanton.

“Mmmm-hhhmmmmm” you confirmed, nodding, and giving him a shy smile.

“Can we move faster now baby?” he asked.

You nodded with the same “Mmmm-hhhmmmmm” sound. Shortly after his hips started to speed up, you weren’t expecting the feeling of the sudden change in speed.

“EP this feels so nice” you whined, a hand still wandering his bare back.

“Only the best for my girl” he kissed your face while saying this.

 

He suddenly started to thrust deeper, and you felt him hilt at your cervix. You took a short intake of breath as it took you by surprise. He let out a small chuckle as he knew exactly what he was doing. The same unfamiliar feeling was building in your stomach again, you trusted it this time and went with the flow.

“EP I think I’m going to orgasm again, please don’t stop what you’re doing” you moaned between breaths.

“Ok baby noted” he nodded at this.

He decided to really throw you off the edge and circle his fingers around your sore clit, making you jump but bringing you to your orgasm a whole lot quicker.

“Can you let go for me again, baby?” he asked, voice still sultry.

You were never one to not follow rules, so you did as he asked you. The second orgasm was ground-breaking for you. You had never felt anything like it before, the perfect mix between pain and pleasure. He was enamoured by you and your pretty little sounds he was getting from you. You grabbed his hand to stop him when it got too much, he got the message and pulled away.

 

He pulled out of you and let himself go on your thigh, while you were coming down from your high. After your breath steadied to a normal pace, you smiled at him, which he shot you a toothy grin back.

“Baby, you stay there, I’ll be right back” he assured you with his hand halting you from getting up. He walked into the bathroom and came back with a towel to wipe you up with. After wiping his own finish off your thigh, he parted your legs to wipe you clean from your own juices. You jumped at the sudden touch as you were feeling really sore and beat up by now. Elvis sensed this and spoke up, voice still low and sultry.

“It’s ok darlin’ I’m just cleaning you up”

 

After he chucked the towel back onto the ensuite floor, he came to lay down with you and covered both of your bodies with the blanket on his huge bed.

“Elvis?” you said inquisitively

“Yes, pretty girl?” he answered back

“I think I love you” you spoke into mouth as you kissed him.

“Baby that is the best thing I have ever heard you say” his smile beamed from side to side.

“Can we go again?” you smiled shyly at him.

“That is the second-best thing I’ve ever heard you say pretty girl. Of course, we can, whatever my girl wants” he kissed you climbing on top of you again.

[fruit-sy]

jjk s1 and s2 spoilers

caught up to the jjk anime this week and damn, hits hard

Animation is stellar, the characters are really fun, there's themes that really hit me hard and godamn the ending of jjk 0 actually made me cry, like tears were shed. I understood why my brother loved the movie lmao

but rn there's one man on my mind. Gojo fucking satoru

Gojo Satoru is just, wow, what hasn't been said about him? He's certainly a showstopper alright, I know Itadori's the protagonist but my eyes were on Gojo the entire time, season 2 personally was even more exciting with that in mind.

I haven't really had the time to do a deep dive on him, but I do have some thoughts... First, yeah he's hot asf I'll give him that (those eyes of his are on my mind and they won't leave me alone, also props to the english dub for the absolutely feral lines)

but the progression of him as a person is also really fun to see. I'm especially interested in him maturing from this arrogant and individualistic person at the beginning of season 2 to... well, still being that but also becoming a mentor to other people.

Like, that's such a huge step for me because contrary to what his pride tells him, he's come to realize he can't do it alone (I mean, he can at the moment but it's more realistic to try and personally raise these youth with potential so that they may bring about a powerful new generation)

The line about education really hit me and I kept thinking about it these last couple of days. He wants to bring change, but if he's the only one humanity has to rely on, he'll run himself ragged. And so, he takes the time and patience to grow these little seedlings, watch them get more powerful but also watch as they may fail along the journey. Even though he's become a teacher, he's not soft on them at all. It's a fact that if they're unable to keep up with him, they will get left behind. Whether that be in skill, or death.

Other than to raise more powerful sorcerers, I can't help but feel this also comes from a place of loneliness, because Geto left him.

I wonder, how much it will hurt to see his students fall? Because although they are improving at a fast rate, can they really keep up with The Gojo Satoru? Or will they against all odds, with his full support, be able to carry on when he's gone? Despite the uncertainty, he continues to teach.

Though the goal is daunting, seeing him wake up to his students and smiling brought such a warm feeling to my chest, it was so sweet.

Also love how unhinged he can get, like characters who do the manic smile thing never ceases to make me giggle excitedly (Nobara and Fushiguro also knocked it out of the park in that aspect, extremely hyped when they went completely off the hinge and kicked ass).

However, there's one scene that absolutely left me in awe. A beautiful mixture of music and imagery that sent shivers up my body every time I watch it. A scene in which he's shown being a mixture of unhinged, yet so at "peace". The juxtaposition is absolutely beautiful to see.

Fighting against toji, where he was high off his epiphany, he had an inner monologue so quiet, so relaxed and detached from how he usually is, coupled with the same piano tune that accompanied the scenes with him, Riko and Geto in the background. My breath was taken away, my eyes were glued to the screen in awe as the music crescendo-ed, and I couldn't help but think "he's beautiful" splattered in blood, bathed in sunlight and eyes glowing with the most vibrant blue.

After the dust had settled, the three of them lost something that day. Riko lost her life, Gojo started to lose his best friend, and Geto started to lose his moral compass and ideals.

The piano music was called "一緒なら" or "If I am with you/together". I wonder why? Perhaps the first time, it was from Riko's POV, as she, Gojo, Geto and Kuroi were sightseeing for the very last time.

The second time, although Gojo seemed detached from Riko's death, perhaps he genuinely cared for her, so much that he'd mourn in his own way.

The arc started with Gojo carrying Riko in his arms

The arc ended with Gojo holding Riko's dead body as the crowd celebrated her death.

He started to lose it, even asking Geto if he should kill all of them. Funny how the tables have turned.

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Kiko I hope you had a great first day at your new job!!!! And I hope the shit weather we're getting in Louisiana isn't hitting your part of your state cuz boy am I not having fun anymore lol. I have 2 things to bug you with on this Tuesday morning- I do have a teeny tiny lil Goinko ask: I am so curious to hear Gojo's inner dialogue when he's watching Rinko fight. Like the genuine sorta oh shit she's tough, oh shit she aint weak, Jesus what a badass... I'm gonna fuck her xD The second- I have been toying with the idea of writing my own fanfic with my own OC and um... I can't seem to start. I have a decent idea of the general plot, no clue how it will end, but I open up Word, type two words, and then close the program. Idk if I need advice or encouragement lol but I look up to you a lot as a writer so I decided to make it your problem too 😅

RAI, HELLO! 💕

I did have a great first day! It was long and exhausting, but in a good way! 😊

The weather has just been kinda cold and foggy. Like, my drive home today was very foggy. Could barely see at all. But other than that, it. hasn't been too bad!!

YOU ARE NOT BUGGING ME BUT I WILL PLAY ALONG 😂

My answers are below the cut!!

Gojo's inner monologue when he sees Rinko fighting? 🤔🤔

In a few situations, he's super smug that she's doing so well because he knows she doesn't even realize or acknowledge how strong she actually is. So when she's just destroying something, he's all cocky and proud of her. It reminds him how much he loves her because she can take care of herself. One of the things he's always appreciated about her is that she doesn't let her insecurities or pride get her into situations that are too much for her to take. She's not arrogant. She doesn't show off. She's just there to get the job done. But that's what makes it so sexy to him.

So when he sees Rinko fighting, he's literally just like, 'That's my girl. So sexy and strong. I love her so much. Ass looks incredible, too. And she needs to hurry because as soon as she wraps this up, she's mine. Wonder how pissed she'll be if I just take her here-' because he's a horny boi who always wants to be inside her 😂😂

Advice for how to start with your fic?

Don't try to start from the beginning. Start somewhere in the middle, and work from there. The ending doesn't have to be established right away, either. That can develop as you figure out the story! But as for how and where to start, anywhere. Have a random bit of dialogue? Start with that. It doesn't have to stay in the end, but having something there will really help you. Write nonsense. Write ideas. Concepts. Anything to get those juices flowing. Because nothing is more daunting than a blank page.

Two things I saw recently made me realize that I already did these things most of the time:

Writing choppy, maybe cheesy or dumb dialogue. You can fill in the rest later, or not at all. You can change it up or edit it, but cutting and editing, or even re-writing, is easier than getting yourself to write the initial draft.

"You look like shit." "Sure know how to charm a girl, huh?" "You'd be more pissed if I lied to you." "True." "Still look awful, though." "Fuck off."

You don't have to put markers or indicators because it's a first draft. First draft and final draft are rarely going to match, and that's okay. Preferred most of the time, actually. But yeah, just toss that dialogue down to help you get started and then go from there!

Start with notes or random shit about what you want to happen. Some people put it in brackets to describe the setting, scene, or character's actions so that they can continue writing without being bogged down by the pressure to figure out the rest perfectly.

I'll provide an example or two from a WIP of the lockout key idea dump I posted a while ago. (I make no promises that I'll ever finish or post this, but it's the best example I could find that doesn't spoil a bunch of stuff for the other stories)

[he comes to ask for a key even though he's already maxed out his number of lockout keys. he ends up trying to lean in closer and she shoves a cookie in his mouth instead] - this one is a general idea and one thing I definitely want to happen in that scene/snippet

[fire drill in the middle of the night forcing everyone outside until the alarm stops going off. he forgets his key because he had to rush out while he was half-asleep.] - this one is describing the primary setting for the scene/snippet: they're outside, he's very sleepy, and he forgot his key.

All in all, don't be afraid of being random and choppy for your first draft!

I hope this advice helped, Rai! I'm afraid I might have babbled a bit... 🙃

IT WAS GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU. I HOPE YOU'RE WELL!! 💕💕💕💕

[sophieswundergarten]

Sophie's Breakdown Over the Relatively Calm Chapter 19 of S.O.S.

I... I am having A Time. Enjoy my liveblog of the disaster that I became over the course of this chapter. Slightly less property damage this time, though!

EDIT: SHOOT I FORGOT TO TAG BODS @nobodysdaydreams

Oh my heavens we’re starting with The Blueberry Example

I do enjoy how it’s like “Nicholas was concerned his brother might be delusional” but what he actually says is just “You’re delusional and you make no sense!” Exasperated sibling behaviour

And you actually explained Curtain’s thought process!! Afjsdhj And it still doesn’t really make any sense at all

Number Two and her Napkin Moment. I feel so bad for her, she’s probably losing her mind inside her head

“Even after all these years, his brother still was so easily overwhelmed” YOU KIDNAPPED HIM, NATHANIEL. HE’S BEEN THROUGH A LOT, OKAY???

“who despite his…well not jealousy, but curiosity of his brother’s choice of companionship” Hitting him in the head with a brick

HE’S COMPARING NUMBER TWO TO A SECRETARY??????? Two bricks.

“ “Kidnapped?” Curtain repeated, in the shocked voice of the world’s most innocent man accused of the most heinous of crimes.” Bods, you have to stop writing such incredible and quotable lines or I’m just going to spend this whole chapter quoting your own stuff back at you

HE MADE JACKSON AND JILLSON HIDE IN THE BUSHES?? WHY IS HE LIKE THIS HALF THE PLANTS AT THE COMPOUND ARE THORNY AND BAD TO TOUCH

Oh. Oh, they’re excited to find someone who understands how important another person can be. THEY’VE NEVER MET SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY HEALTHILY LOVES ANOTHER PERSON, HAVE THEY?

(Also, I think I’d be glad to be free of babysitting Auguste too. I hope that doesn’t emotionally backfire on them later…)

Aw, poor SQ. I feel for him, being in a line and all that horrible pressure. And he’s got his little translation dictionary!!!!

THIS LADY SHOULD BE CONCERNED. WHY IS SHE JUST LETTING HIM STUMBLE THROUGH THIS??? HE IS SO VERY CLEARLY A DISASTER. HELP HIM!!!

He thinks his dad might not care enough to come after him…

He’s so scared!! I just want to give him a hug

AND HE’S APOLOGISING FOR LOOKING NERVOUS. SOMEONE HUG THIS CHILD

“ “That would be great, thank you,” he answered, happy to finally have something he could use to get his mind off his father.” This was where I heard the ominous music start playing

And he’s flying!! He’s never been on a plane before. He should get to go on a hot air balloon. From what I’ve read people say it’s kind of like being a bird because of how quiet everything is

WAIT. I DON’T THINK SQ’S EVER BEEN TO NEW YORK. THAT CITY’S HUGE. THAT IS ONE OF THE WORST PLACES FOR HIM TO BE GOING. HE’S GOING TO GET SCAMMED AND/OR MUGGED AND LEFT IN A DITCH

Curtain was probably really good at helping tiny SQ with his fears, because he could explain it all in logical and understandable terms. Learning about the science always helped me calm down when I was little

(Also, I really like the parallels with the turbulence and the titles and everything!!)

“It’s not you,” Rhonda replied, “it’s him.” I love Rhonda

YEAH!! MILLIGAN AND MISS PERUMAL FRIENDSHIP PARENTING SUPPORT GROUP!!!!

“As for Mr. Benedict, while he wasn’t taking his brother’s career change particularly well” Askjfdhjd Even her inner-monologue is so polite and tactful. (It’s okay, you can say “supervillain”)

They’re so sweet :)

I love how they really want to help each other. They’re trying their best!! And they’re so supportive

THE LLAMA

Afjdskjsd Number Two hates llamas? I’ll believe that

“As they did not have to be under the technique to remain loyal to Dr. Curtain, and neither wanted to take up Dr. Curtain’s precious time by rudely reminding him that he hadn’t used the technique on them yet, neither of them had actually had the happiness technique used on them.” Oh dear. Oh, I want to give them a hug too. These poor kids

YEAH. YEAH, NICHOLAS. I WONDER WHERE HE FOUND THEM.

Auguste!!! I am afeared

(Personally, I feel like “happy” can be other colours than yellow. Like, the letters and word itself are yellowy in my mind, but the emotion is more sky blue?)

THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OTHER EXECUTIVES. I’VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT THEM.

I have known a couple people who eat lemons! I think a few of them might have used salt too :( 

SEBASTIAN

 Do. Do Jackson and Jillson know where Brazil is?

You’re so good at writing Sebastian, he’s so creepy and makes me uncomfortable, but also I understand that he’s pretty much totally innocent in this mess

Oh, poor Milligan has been bottling all this up and has no one to talk to about it

OH NO

OH NO

WE HAVE REACHED A VERY BAD PART

And Nathaniel remembers running away. But he feels like SQ is so different from him (Like Nicholas) that he wouldn’t do that.

OH MY GOODNESS CURTAIN CHIPPED HIM???????

Oh, Curtain was going to take him to see all those art museums :( 

“How had he guessed the code in one try?” Okay, seriously, you’re willing to MICROCHIP YOUR CHILD AT AGE FIVE, but you WON’T CHANGE YOUR SUPER OBVIOUS PASSCODE?????

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I feel like this is going to go so terribly. I am very nervous.

The last straw is getting electrocuted. Of course, Nicholas /s

(He’s probably not even upset that he got hurt, no, he’s worried about the children or the llama or something)

MARLON

Well. I feel a tiny bit mollified about the “walkabout” excuse now.

Oh boy. Oh boy, of course Curtain knew that Nicholas would wander around all day. I’m so mad at him.

“Exeunt” I hate him so much

As stupid as the “defensive fence” line is, it makes me laugh every time and it was no exception in your style. Incredible

““Nicholas,” Curtain interrupted, in an uncharacteristically relaxed voice. “I’ve moved on.””

How do you make me want to slap him so hard with only a single sentence?? You create too many emotions in me, Bods

“Nicholas sounded so overwhelmed and so broken down. It was an emotion Curtain remembered from when they were children. And just like when they were children, it was his responsibility to calm and comfort his twin. The only difference was that now he had the perfect tools to do so.” AND ONCE AGAIN, YOU MAKE HIM ACTUALLY SOUND SLIGHTLY REASONABLE. I FEEL BAD FOR HIM NOW

And Curtain is excited to have someone who understands him…

AND NICHOLAS IS FIGURING IT OUT. BUT HE’S SO OFF. AND HE’S SO TIRED.

“It wasn’t exactly mind-control if people consented to it” OH BOY IF THAT ISN’T A SENTENCE AMONG SENTENCES

And Nicholas feels so bad!! He didn’t mean to!!! He’s exhausted and upset, and that’s the place that Curtain put him in, but it’s hurting both of them :( 

And he knows how hurtful that is to Nathaniel specifically :( 

AND NICHOLAS WANTS HIM TO BE LOVED FOR HIMSELF. NOT FOR WHO HE’S PRETENDING TO BE. EVEN CURTAIN HASN’T FIGURED THAT OUT YET!!!

“But the man named Curtain who stood him wasn’t the brother that Nicholas remembered. He was a stranger, one who might have destroyed his brother forever.”

PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

“He remembered seeing Nicholas on television. Winning awards after award and competing in science competitions, high school debate meets, and college quiz bowls, living a happy life without him”

OH LOOK IT GOT WORSE

“Because he loved his brother? Or because he wanted to control him? / Maybe some twisted mixture of both” WELL, THAT ABOUT SUMS UP THE WHOLE FIC

YOU WRITE SUCH BEAUTIFUL POETRY BUT IT’S ALL SO HEART-RENDING I AM COMING FOR YOUR TOOTHPASTE AND COOKING IT INTO PANCAKES

Oh, Bods, you’re a genius

Writing that piece from Sebastian’s perspective was AMAZING. So incredibly clever. I am literally vibrating from excitement.

And poor Nicholas!! Because he knows. He knows what’s going on and why it’s bad, he’s got it exactly down, but he’s so caught up in the emotions (And Curtain’s weird, delusional, off-the-wall responses to life probably aren’t helping) that he can’t figure out what to do

I love Number Two. How she deals with literally any emotion? Be overwhelmingly objective and pretend the feelings aren’t happening

YEAH!!!! TACTICAL FUNGAL INFECTION :D 

But, also. She chose to leave home because of her familial conflicts. Nicholas didn’t really have a choice, and also we’re assuming he was younger than her. (I certainly hope that’s the case) They have way different perspectives on this whole thing

I might argue that Number Two is overly cynical as a self-defence mechanism as well, while Nicholas is a bit too trusting because he can’t handle the thought of someone needing a second chance and him not being there to offer it. Interesting

AND IT’S INFURIATING THAT CURTAIN ACTUALLY STILL KNOWS WHAT MAKES NICHOLAS COMFORTABLE, BECAUSE THEN HE ALWAYS HAS TO BE ON HIS GUARD AGAINST MANIPULATION D:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I am so, so very worried about SQ. And, begrudgingly, Curtain. Bods, can you please stop making me care so much about the people who are committing various war crimes?

Afkljdskjhf He DID bug their little house!!

“implying that his control was bad” See? This? This right here is why you need therapy

OH!!! YOU DID MAKE IT SO HE KNEW THAT SHE WAS ESCAPING!!!! GAH THIS IS SO BAD BUT I’M SO EXCITED ABOUT YOUR WRITING

Recap of what’s going on on the blimp: Milligan’s panicking, Miss Peruaml is pretty calm because she has no idea what to expect (And also she knows that she’ll probably take control of the blimp if necessary because I fully would expect her to be able to do something like that), and Rhonda is as calm as ever because she is ridiculously unflappable

I really love that she calmed the flight attendant down, though, so it made me smile to see it written out in your style

SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING

YOU’RE CUTTING BETWEEN THESE SCENES ON PURPOSE TO STRESS ME OUT, AREN’T YOU??? /s /j /It’s awesome

Oh, the poor flight attendant guy :( 

(BODS STOP MAKING ME OVERLY INVESTED IN PEOPLE WITH TEN SECONDS OF SCREEN TIME)

((Actually, please don’t stop. I love your writing. Never change))

Afjdsfj The employees being like “WE ARE HERE AT THE SAME TIME EVERY DAY. ALWAYS. RIGHT HERE. SUPER HELPFUL, IF ANYONE IS LISTENING”

You have such a clever way of including humour while also I am chewing my fingernails off

I’M RUNNING OUT OF WORDS. NEXT CUT SCENE YOU ARE RECEIVING PROPERTY DAMAGE

I have so many questions about the blimp pilot. Who is this man? Why does he speak this way? Does he know how to fly a blimp? Is he the Captain Noland of the skies?

HAH. GET THEM RHONDA.

“But my sadness did not last long because I didn’t let it” Sir, you went on a thirty-some-odd year long revenge campaign which you are still actively engaging in. Please stop speaking these boldfaced lies on live broadcast television.

“And to remind Nicholas of why he didn’t deserve it.” YOU HAD YOUR WARNING, IT AM TAKING HALF THE STUFFING OUT OF ALL YOUR PILLOWS. JUST HALF. AND THEN I’M STITCHING THEM BACK UP AGAIN. ALSO. YOUR FRONT DOOR NOW HAS EXTREMELY SQUEAKY HINGES.

Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh on. Jackson and Jillson :( 

Oh! I think this might be one of the snippets you shared for Ask Games a while ago! Either that or I’m crazy, which is an equally acceptable and probably answer at this point

CURTAIN IS SO EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED BUT THAT DOESN’T GIVE HIM THE RIGHT TO HURT OTHER PEOPLE I HAVE FULLY LOST MY MIND CONGRATS, BODS

(Your microwave has been welded shut)

CAPTAIN NOLAND????

“Going on seven divorces, it certainly seemed that way. And yet, even the staggering amount of alimony payments he owed couldn’t hold a candle to his gambling debt.”

ASKJdSKJ WHAT??? Bods… I don’t even have anything to say… This poor man…

“that is if we can make an example of these fruit filching criminals” You write Show Cannonball impeccably asdhk

THEY’VE BEEN BANNED FROM THE SHIP!!!!!!!

““So…just to be clear…we are banned from the boat, but other than that we are free to go?” asked Bauer. / “I’m afraid so,” answered Noland. “I’m just sorry it had to come to this.” / Cannonball bowed his head gravely. The Shortcut was a beautiful vessel. To be banned from it was one of the worst punishments he could imagine.”

I’m really glad I was alone for this part, because I could no longer contain my laughter and, in fact, I’m still laughing. Superb writing.

“What he had done would haunt his nightmares for the rest of his days, both the punishment he’d delivered and the emotionless eyes of the four women who had dared put the ecological well-being of this beautiful country in jeopardy with a single tangerine. / May God have mercy on their souls.”

I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE THE WAY YOU WRITE SHOW NOLAND. HE’S NOT BOOK PHIL NOLAND BUT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND FOR ENTIRELY DIFFERENT REASONS

Jeffers!!!

And, of course, Curtain correcting him to use “Society”

Oh my goodness. Just. The whole two paragraphs about Curtain deciding to use the phrase “treat them without mercy”. I’m not going to copy it in here, but I adore it and you’re a genius

“It was his destiny.” Is definitely not the most devastating line you’ve ended on before, but oh dear. I feel so bad for the poor Jeeps.

I TOO HAVE BEEN WAITING TO HEAR ABOUT THE BRAINWASHED ADULTS. BUT I DON’T THINK YOU CAN BLAME ME FOR BEING A LITTLE BIT TERRIFIED. Oh my days, this was incredible. Bods, as per usual, you have made me experience fantastic excitement, fear, and also laugh and feel many much deeper feelings. It’s like each chapter is a little movie. I am seriously running the full span of human emotions any time I pick this fic up. Whooooo. Certainly a rollercoaster, though I suspect from your hints that the next chapter is going to have me sobbing on the floor again.

AND I KNOW THAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN. I KNOW THE PLOT OF THE SHOW. And yet you have me sitting on the edge of my seat, in the highest level of suspense regardless. You truly do have a talent, my friend. You make each character and perspective feel fresh and new and exciting, and I can always understand things from their shoes. Each one is so complicated and real-feeling. Very deep and fascinating characters. Okay, I am going to go and see if I can trick my brain into taking a nap now. If I failed to communicate with my usual fervour, please know that I am definitely feeling absurdly excited about your writing. I’m just very tired at the moment. Have a good day, friend!!!

[vizthedatum]

I am actually fine - and I am not lying to you. I am unmasked, and I have always been an emotional person.

CW: all and disorganized emotional processing that makes cohesive sense in my mind (inner monologuing remark: since people freaked out when I was a kid and just wanted to institutionalize me or tell on me or not believe me, I am not going to hide the reality of my human experience any longer. What are you going to do now? Which authority are you going to tattle me to? Some deity? Are you going to silence me when I say something that makes you uncomfortable? Give me some advice that I'm not asking for? Gossip about me instead of confronting the epidemic of domestic violence... and the violence of this existence? Discriminate me from employment (joke's on you - I have so many skillsets that I do not actually need to use my PhD to survive - I am fucking untouchable and all of you know it)? (To be clear - I want actual support in the form of holding what I have to say or for you to walk away acknowledging that you're too fucking weak to handle what I have to say (which is valid btw lol). I am very majorly in treatment for a million things - and I'm not going to magically be 100% better just like that. I will never be but no matter what happens, the best thing you can do is to *trust me*) I dare you to try to tear me down when I'm like this - because I'm the most powerful I have ever been. Help yourself instead. All of you are adults, if you don't want to read what I have to say, then get off the fucking internet or simply ignore it like you ignore all the fucking atrocities of this world. I'm angry, and I don't care if I'm being reasonable anymore. I don't care. I've been discarded so much, that I do not care who leaves me anymore. I played nice. I've been understanding. I've educated people on things they could easily look up. I justified myself when I didn't have to. I have entertained notions of racism, discrimination, bigotry, transphobia, homophobia, etc., etc. I have hidden my emotional responses because people thought I was too much.)

--

Healing isn't linear (and you have no idea how much I just want to not do it - I just want to dissociate and seem "ok"), and I've cried on and off all morning. I got a lot of closure visiting my family. I miss the love that I thought was love but didn't really fill me anyway.

I wrote a kind of poem that this morning: https://at.tumblr.com/vizth.../i-am-susceptible/xu7bu50ijxxn

River just sent me this song, and now I am also playing it on the repeat (thanks babe):

Has a dread I could've never dreamed of

And it haunts me just to think of what I've done

In the light of everything we've become

I'm finally learning to love myself better than I have before

And I know that means I'm breaking your heart

Insecure and unnecessary disclaimer that doesn't need to be said and will likely not change anyone's mind but I'm going to say it anymore because I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE - I get to be as insecure as I want and I get to be as confident as I want: I don't need you to tell me you understand because I'm going through a hard time or whatever - I know all that already. Don't "aww yeah you're going through it, of course, you're feeling this way" or avoid doing/saying things with/to me or "therapy!" or whatever - it makes me feel even more awful. It's not validation for me to regurgitate what you think you see - because it makes me feel fucking broken in a judgmental way, and it makes me think you're a hypocrite (because you're broken too - this life breaks all of us, just some more than others). I know I'm broken - I have been broken since I was a toddler... and I made it this far. Through rampant abuse, constant SI, several chronic health conditions, more abuse, severe imposter syndrome or something to the point where I really think I don't know what I'm doing and then I forget how to do linear regression wtf.

Do you know what that took to get out (even though I had massive help?)?

Let me tell you what happened - I had several sets of concurrent memories through the timeline of my relationship, and while I knew which one was real... I had to gaslight myself to protect myself in addition to the gaslighting that was already happening to me. Then there was all the external gaslighting because people didn't know and I wasn't ready to really tell them. I fought so hard to maintain some facade of contentment in my relationship, because if I actually verbalized it... I would literally lose my mind and would not be able to do anything. You cannot just leave domestic violence. You have to be ready and many of us are not. And if we leave when we're not ready, it can be SO EASY to go back or get yourself into another situation... especially if you don't have any support. There are very poor infrastructures in place for "survivors" all over the world. What does it even mean to survive anyway...

I was incredibly lucky that I got out when I did. I was so lucky to have some money and a high credit score. I was lucky to have my health. I was lucky to have somehow completed my education. I was lucky to have been on the meds I was on. I was lucky that I had friends who didn't abandon me and basically carried me (and continue carrying me).

Because they would have taken all of it if they could. They ramped up the psychological torture when I came back from MN last November. They were going to take my medication. They were going to have me isolated indefinitely. They were screaming at me for one hour and the next hour, they were sweet. Over and over again. The psychosexual torture fucked me up. They made me question my reality constantly. They complimented me while putting me down - so fucking masterful. They made my living environment nearly inhabitable. It still wasn't as bad as what my mom did or even the overt rape/assault that my previous partners did. It's hard to compare all of it. I was scared out of my mind. I was taking as much weed and klonopin or anything else as I could so I couldn't feel anything... while plotting my escape.

If I didn't cut off my relationship with my parents last April and accepted that their form of "love" wasn't love - then I wouldn't have been able to:

- lower my blood pressure

- lose all my stress weight

- reduce my flares and chronic inflammation of my bladder (I mean I still have all those but it's less)

- finally come out as poly and breathe again

- really start embracing my gender nonconformity and transness

- really get excited about having a baby

- and start getting ready to fucking leave Jon

Only those who have gone through it (or are going through it or have gone through it for years) know exactly how much strength it took (and is taking) to break this fucking cycle, knowing full well that you can fall right back into it if you're not careful.

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

emotional flashbacks

today I got triggered by something

which makes a lot of sense because things are

starting to get testy around these parts

and I'm working with someone who believes

describing their behavior matter-of-factly

even without harshness or creative embellishment

is the same as calling them names

emotional immaturity is a wild beast

and while I have my share of moments that are less

than whatever the collective would deem emotionally intelligent

most of the time my responses are at least logical

and there's a path to trace where it went south

I've worked very hard on my inner monologue

I was never given a soundtrack where me existing

had any sort of worth or value or basic dignity

I was made to be lived through vicariously by parents

who never got a chance to figure their own shit out

and unfortunately my stubbornness made me an awful marionette

so I'm learning now that when my inner voice

is suddenly hijacked by all the voices of my past

that told me everything I did or thought or wanted

was somehow fundamentally bad or wrong or evil

it throws me for such a loop because

the world changes and my body changes

everything I believe and have worked for becomes worthless

everything I've done wrong is paramount

all the mistakes I've made are the only things that count

and I feel trapped and hopeless and I panic

because there's no way to escape my mind

or my body or myself in a way that's healthy

and all I can do is cry and hug myself and suffer

in this sudden state of confusion that is so overwhealming

and I can't imagine someone loving me or being able to

in fact the concept of love is painful to think about

I'm so flooded with stress and guilt and blame

I have a trunk I carry around with me

full of beautiful coping mechanisms and none of them

help me soothe or comfort my nervous system

that goes into fight myself and wish for a flight

out of this solar system because I'm the most

miserable creature that ever lived and I deserve

nothing positive or good or merciful I just deserve pain

these are my emotional flashbacks from complex trauma

and they hit without warning or reason

these emotional flashbacks are rarer now

it's more difficult to trigger me and they last a shorter time

but when I feel them beginning to flood into me

I can't remember they are from a different time

and I completely lose the present moment

I usually just have to ugly cry until it's fully released

I kind of wanted to believe they were demons

or something more magical and cool sounding

but they are just my collection of painful memories

rising to the surface and reminding me

what I've luckily overcome but still need to let go of

at least that's how I'm going to try and think of them

because they will be here until they're all gone

and there's not a person in this world that can tell me

when the heck that will be so I'll just take a deep breath

and remember that each release and realization

is a tangible example of me continuing to heal

and hold a hand over my heart to remind that part of me

the versions of me still living inside me still stuck

in those places of time where the world was terrifying

that I love them and I'll be here to get through all of this

unthawing because we're in a better place now

and those old nightmares can no longer hurt me

at least not after I get rid of them and that's something

[joyfulpirates]

Please note, all of these manifestations are things I would need to be able to comfortably afford if I were to have kids.

The Universe seems determined that I should have kids. My body seems determined that I should have kids. My partner doesn't seem that concerned about the prospect of having kids, which means I'm the only one who's spinning around in my head like a hamster in a hamster wheel, and I'm trying my damnedest to get it together.

My life right now is okay. I live in an affordable studio apartment with my two cats, Izzy and Pickoo. I have a remote job, which many people desperately want, and I have a partner who's serious about me and is supportive of the positive life changes I want to make.

The problem is, though, I gave myself food poisoning 27 times while I was in undergrad, solely because I'm an awful cook. I make very little money compared to what I should make. I'm in debt, and I can't imagine a future where that isn't true because as far as I know, I've always been in debt. The anxiety of it all is keeping me awake.

I think my partner has just pushed it out of their mind. They don't like worrying about unnecessary things. That usually makes me feel pretty safe; but it doesn't right now, because they aren't in this situation with me. They would be an excellent parent. It's just me who can't seem to grow the fuck up and be a productive member of society. This isn't just the anxiety disorder, this is pure, unadulterated, primal, genetic fear, and I'm currently in hell, waiting for it to taper off into something reasonable and afraid to the core that it won't.

Astrologically speaking, I've got Saturn applying to my Moon for the next year and a half. My partner rolled their eyes at me when I asked them if we could get prenatal vitamins. The internal monologue sounded a bit like "BABE. OUR BABY COULD BE BORN WITHOUT A BRAIN" and "I CAN FEEL OUR NONEXISTENT FETUS SUCKING THE CALCIUM OUT OF MY TEETH", but as I am not fifteen and do have the ability to sort of control my reactions to external stimuli, my inner monologue wasn't made obvious to my partner.

I need to become a good parent, and fast - like we're talking a year max to get all of these manifestations active and out in my life - or else I'm going to be paralyzed by anxiety. I'll be that obnoxious Almond Mom times a thousand.

One day, my kids will read this. I'm sure of it. Will my kids respect me, or will they see the shitposting and think I'm a giant mess, probably with good reason?

I don't know. I'm looking at Gentle Parenting and praying this voice in the back of my mind whispering "gIvE tHeM a BaBy" quiets down a little bit. I'm the last fucking person who should become a parent.

[hologramcowboy]

This ask might be little strange and hard to explain in a small space here so sorry in advance, but I am really curious to understand how do you evaluate an actor's performance with the expertise you have in the technicalities and in particularly which points can that evaluations might differ from general audience's viewpoint. Also is it possible in this artform that an actor who checks all the technical aspects of acting might connect lesser to a general audience than an actor who is not that sound in the craft technically or not maintaining grammer of acting?

Please forgive the awful formatting of this post but Tumblr doesn't want to work with me at the moment. lol I'll try and be as simple as possible, think of the difference between the director of a movie, the actor starring as the lead, the acting coach, a P.A., a casting assistant and finally think how a normal person views a tv show. In other words, a lay person cannot identify things like what happens behind the scenes in order to create a certain moments, the beats and actions of the actor, his intention, his overall objective, his scene objective, the arc of the scene, the hero's journey, the type of shot required to create a certain impression, inner monologue, tone of the show or scene (for example a trained actor could never blow a comedy audition by saying their lines too slowly because they would be fully aware that comedy has a very different pace from other types of shows and requires a different approach), etc. The Actor's toolbox may vary from Actor to Actor and the method they study but the main elements are always the same, they just may have been named differently by said method. So, when I evaluate a performance I begin by breaking down the scene (scene study) after which I review how believable the performance is and to do so I may consider some of the following(I tried to avoid using technical terms as much as possible):

What is the scene about?

How did they break down the scene to beginning, middle and end?

How did the actor map out the emotions within the scene to build the arc of the scene?

What is the through-line of the scene? (The key line)

Beats and Actions: Were the actions used within the scene ideally supporting the actor's scene objective? Did the Actor make the necessary beat changes?

What are the transitions within the scene? How did the actor handle them?

How does the Actor's character hear what is being said by the other character? (what it means to them specifically) Did the Actor capture that or did they completely miss what was really being communicated to their character?

What relationship is featured within the scene and how does the character relate to the other person?

What is the character's overall objective within the show/movie?(What do they most want from life?)

What does the character want to make the other person understand? (scene objective)

What is the POV of the character?

Why is the character in the script? Are they there because they are the leading man/lady or are they simply there to support the plot (co-star role for example)? Because depending on that the performance changes.

Did the Actor successfully set up a Moment Before?(In other words, when viewing the scene do I get a sense of where the character was prior to it and what happened?)

Environment: Where and when the scene takes place give depth and color to it and sets a tone and great actors always give you a sense of the 'dimension' they find themselves in. I'll stop here. Those are some of the key aspects a performance needs to include to be believable and bookable. As for your question, can talent be stronger than technique? No, in my humble opinion, an actor that goes with talent alone cannot create refined performances because he lacks key important technical and craft elements. There's a reason the Actors you see who are often working are always training and that's because talent is nice and all but it needs to be nurtured so that the actor can evolve. It's the same as an athlete, they can be fantastic runners but if they don't train their body, mind and soul adequately they can never reach certain levels or if they do they can never maintain them. Being an Actor requires discipline and dedication towards the craft and it is a lifelong journey. I took your "grammar of acting" as a metaphor and I hope I interpreted it right. If you have any other questions feel free to DM me. The topic is quite complex. Thank you for the beautiful question.

[rrandomtthings]

Why Bkdk is NOT toxic:

A look through their relationship throughout the series

Cw// MAJOR bnha manga spoilers

As bakudekus, we experience that “bkdk is toxic!1!” argument on a daily. It’s something that we have all just.. let sit next to us knowing that it’s always going to be there. Of course, and understandably, it bothers most of us. What many see, especially non-manga readers, isn’t what we see.

Let’s start off with what they see. In the first episode/chapter, we start off with Bakugous infamous “Swan dive off the roof” line.

Of course, no matter how you look at it, this was a terrible thing that Bakugou said to Izuku. There is no excuse. Telling someones to kts, no matter how you may disagree and not see eye to eye, is always inexcusable (this applies to real life too!!)

Later in the chapter, Bakugou carries around a can that says “Lip Service,” which, pretty much means being all talk and not meaning actions behind the words that are being said (usually said with a negative connotation.)

Once again, does this excuse what he said to Izuku? Absolutely not. However, this does give us insight on the future and when we find out about how Bakugou feels for Deku.

Note: As for the bullying prior to this scene, there is no proof that Bakugou continuously bullied Deku as of when this has been written.

Then, the sludge incident happened. At first glance, Deku looked horrified at the attack. However, he didn’t make any moves as he assumed that the heroes will come in and save the person. Once it was revealed to him that it was Bakugou, Izuku had his “My body moved on its own” moment and did not even hesitate to save Kacchan.

After the sludge villain attack, it was explicitly stated that Bakugou had not bullied Deku since then.

Now, the two are in UA and it is revealed that Deku has a quirk to Bakugou. A quirk that he was told to keep its origins of a secret. However, Deku told Bkg about OFA, ignoring All Mights warnings because he felt like he could not lie to Kacchan. Despite them still having a very rocky relationship at this point in the series, Deku still felt the need to tell Kacchan about OFA. He could not lie to him. He could lie to his mom, all of UA, everyone in the world, but not to Kacchan.

Fast forward to DVK2 and they are fighting out their emotions. Here, Deku talks about how, although he hated those small parts of Bakugou that bullied him, he never let the bad outshine the good. He always looked up to Bakugou and wanted to be just like him.

Deku compares how he sees Kacchan to All Might. His literal hero. The man who he idolizes like crazy. He felt closer and more inspired by Kacchan than All Might. Because Kacchan was always there next to him. In Dekus eyes, despite the bullying and all, he saw Kacchan as more than All Might.

Izuku expresses how he is the only one who can accept Bakugous feelings. Not because it is explicitly about the two of them, rather it’s because he is the only one willing to listen and understand where he is coming from. And Bakugou knows this too. He could have easily asked anyone else, but instead he chose Izuku. He trusted Deku enough to be vulnerable around him.

During this fight, Bakugou expresses how he always thought that Deku continuously looked down on him. And it’s because he has never seen such genuine kindness from anyone. He was always expected to get up on his own. All because of his quirk and how he was praised for being gifted with such. He always thought that Izuku had an “attitude” that he was so unfamiliar with.

Deku, during their fight, although he does not say it out loud because he thinks that it “sounds stupid,” talks about how he sees Kacchan and his image of victory. To him, when he thinks of victory, Kacchan is who comes to mind.

After this fight, they are able to start to see eye to eye and start to understand each other’s perspectives. Now that Bakugou knows about OFA, they start to work and grow together. Win to save and Save to win.

In the JT arc there are very fun moments between the two as they start becoming more and more friendly with each other. They continue to try and one up each other, but it is much different than before. There is a lighter undertone to their words and actions. They start hanging out in the meeting room with All Might as there is also a lot of banter between the two—this is when their relationship has started to mend. Not to mention, during this arc Deku unlocks black whip all because Monoma insulted Kacchan.

Now, after the two spend so much time together with the JT and Endeavor agency arcs, the two has become much closer than they were at the beginning of the series. The two have started to mend their bond and continue to do so.

Then, the war arc.

After realizing that Shigaraki is after OFA, Deku makes the decision to follow after him. Throughout these panels, he looks absolutely terrified. Of course, why wouldn’t he be? He is about to run into a battle field all on his own, without any support and with no one knowing what he plans to do.

However, Kacchan does.

Kacchan follows Deku to Shigaraki. He claims that it’s because he has “unfinished business” with him, but, while that may be partly true, that’s not the full truth (I.e. he wants to protect Deku.)

Now, the two have reached Shigaraki and Deku is fighting against him. Bakugou tells Deku to get away from him and that he should be the last person near him. The response Bakugou gets is that no one else can defeat Shigaraki as Kacchan watches Deku in absolute fear that he will end up being terribly hurt.

Side note: look at the terror in his eyes.. I’m gonna sob

Within this specific fight with Shigaraki, there are many heroes with the two. Some of which are Endeavor, Shouto, Rock Lock, Aizawa (injured), etc. Despite knowing that this is a child up in the air fighting Shigaraki, some (not Rock Lock, he had the right idea with questioning why children are on the battle field) look in amazement as Deku continuously breaks himself so he can try and get Shigaraki down.

However, Kacchan sees past this as he yells at the other heroes about how this is not helping Deku in the slightest and that he is going to get himself killed at the rate that he was going.

Bakugou devises a plan to try and help Deku and to get Shigaraki down as the heroes look in awe at Deku. He uses Shouto and Endeavor as they try and get up to where the two were and have Endeavor use his Prominence Burn on Shigaraki in hopes that would bring him down.

While Bakugou is flying them up to Deku, he has a flashback to a conversation with All Might.

They were training Deku with black whip. They were playing a game called “Catch a Kacchan” (I will never get over how cute this name is 😭) and they called in others to help Deku practice with quirks similar to the ones that he will eventually or has either unlocked (Uraraka for Float, Tsu for black whip, etc.)

As All Might and Bakugou watch on as Deku trains, they have a conversation.

Bakugou asks All Might why he is hiding information about the fourth user from Deku. No, he doesn’t ask, he confronts him. He confronts his childhood hero for the sake of Deku. He straight up tells All Might to stop keeping information from, knowing that this could potentially harm him.

Bakugou is upset at that point. He wishes for All Might to stop keeping secrets from them, more specifically Deku.

Then, as the two continue to talk, All Might brings up the fact that he is worried for Izuku. And Bakugou is too, to which he does not deny in any sort of way.

Note: once again, even when they’re not on the battle field, Bakugou looks so worried for Deku. Many have speculated that him looking tired throughout this chapter (ch. 284) has to do with him continuously worrying about Izuku and thinking about their past together.

Bakugou continues the conversation as he talks about how Deku does not understand how special he is. All Might brings up the idea of atonement and questions Bakugou as to whether that is what he is doing with Deku as a way to make up for their past, to which Bakugou does not disagree upon. The conversation then ends with All Might talking about how the two will eventually get to talk this out together and allow for Bakugou to express his worries for Deku to him.

Then, the scene changes back to the battle field as Endeavor uses his Prominence Burn onto Shigaraki, only for it to fail as he got right back up due to his regeneration.

The battle continues between Deku and Shigaraki (who at this point is AFO) as he releases Quirk Activation spikes in Izukus direction.

Kacchan, seeing as Deku is about to get hurt, rushes to him in an instant.

Throughout this scene, we see Bakugous inner monologue. Here, we are shown all his regrets with his and Dekus relationship. How he completely regrets bullying him in the past. Deku are his final thoughts in a moment where he thinks he is about to die.

Kacchan had his “my body moved on its own” moment as he rushed in to save Deku.

After Bakugou was hit, his first words to Deku were to try and calm him down and to tell him to not win this on his own.

Upon seeing Kacchan hurt, to even say that Deku went bat shit crazy would be an understatement. He was absolutely livid as we see him fight like never before.

As Deku continues to fight against Shigaraki, Shouto flies up with his fire quirk to catch Bakugou as he is falling, to which he eventually grabs Deku after him and Shigaraki separate and Izuku starts to fall.

After putting them on the ground, Shouto goes back and fight with Nejire.

As Iida had arrived at the battle field by this point, he tries to help an injured Bakugou get out of the battle field. However, Bakugou refuses as he continues to fight.

Here, it is revealed that Bakugou, just by seeing Deku almost die, has never felt so close to death in his lifetime. Not when Bakugou got kidnapped. Not when class 1A was attack at the USJ, not after he was stabbed. It was the thought of Deku dying that made him feel like he was about to die.

The need to get to Deku caused for a quirk evolution as he had to advance his quirk in that moment to be able to reach Deku.

After the battle is done, Bakugou falls into a 2 day coma. When he wakes up, the first thing he asks is how Deku, Todoroki, Aizawa, etc. are doing.

Upon hearing that Deku is still asleep, Kacchan rushes out of bed to get to his room despite still being heavily injured. At this moment, Bakugou knew that he would not be able to talk to Deku. He just wanted to know if he was okay. He just wanted to see him.

After having to tie him up with Tsuyus tongue, knowing that that if they tie him up with anything else he would explode it, Bakugou yells “Why am I awake while you’re still asleep?” towards Dekus room as he is being dragged away by the class.

Many have taken that line as a way of showing that Bakugou fully expected to die for Deku at that moment. And he was willing to. Seeing that his effort to protect him failed and led to Deku being in a coma only greatly upset Kacchan.

At the moment that this has been written, Deku still hasn’t woken up and Kacchan was forced back to his room.

If after reading this post you still think that bkdk is toxic because of their past, I do want you to understand that people change. We all have a past, a present, and a future. You are not who you were in your past. You are who you are in the present, and you will be someone different in the future.

Bakugou clearly regrets how he treated Deku. This is not an opinion, this is a fact. He is trying to change and mend their relationship. They are living in the present right now, not the past.

Izuku does not hold any grudge against him and even admits that he feels blessed to be able to have conversations with Kacchan.

When it comes to Bakudeku, so many only look at the first episode. Even if you’re just an anime-only, the anime has DVK2. The episode where a lot of their progression comes from.

At this point, if you still think that their relationship is toxic, then im really not sure what to tell you. If your argument is still “in the first episode...” The no. Stop. We are 300+ chapters in. These two are the main protagonists and the show literally revolves around them. They are obviously going to grow. You can’t completely ignore this growth because of what happened in the first episode. You can’t only look at the things you want to and ignore the big picture.

[statticscribbles]

Leopard

Summary: Liam Dunbar/Reader, one shot, Reader and Liam are dating, Liam finds out reader is a wereleopard

“He’d hate me, I know it!” You mumble and huff at your reflection. You sigh it was pointless to have this argument with yourself again. Liam knew you were supernatural in some way. He was a werewolf, he could practically smell it off you. You hadn’t told him anything and he never asked, despite you dating for five months. It was easy to use his werewolf shifting as an excuse to avoid each other around the full moon. You knew he’d never hurt you, and you hated lying to him. But you knew your form, a were leopard would cause concern.

Kate Argent was the only were-feline any of the pack members had any sort of contact with and you knew from the way Scott and Allison talked about it, that it wasn’t a good thing.

You’d managed to keep it hidden, no one had asked and you came to realize that the pack seemed to be much more relaxed about shifting than you thought, you’d expected them all to shift together, but it was more like whenever someone wanted to they would go off on their own, and barring them getting hurt, it was allowed as if they were just going out for a walk.

”Liam, noooo stoopppppp…” You laugh when he pounces on you and pins you to the floor.

“Come on Y/N, you’re the one who wanted to learn to fight! I can’t teach you anything if you don’t actually participate.” You know training so close to the full moon is pushing your limits, let alone Liam’s, you can see his eyes flashing in the right light, and he seems to be avoiding smiling with his teeth showing.

You know you’re probably changing as well, but your spots always seem to start on your back and then spread down your limbs. You’re thankful you’re wearing long sleeves and leggings for training. You know it won’t be long until it creeps up to the more visual spots on your skin. You chuckle a little and your own inner monologue and then sigh when Liam lets go from trying to tug you up.

“You finally get bored of trying to force me to fight?” “A little, plus we’re supposed to have a pack meeting.”

“Oh?” You nod standing up.

“No, only actual members, Derek’s trying to catch that werecat he’s convinced is running around Beacon Hills.”

“Haha, are y’all fighting like cats and dogs.” You’re trying not to let the panic creep in your voice.

“Y/N it’s nothing like that, Derek wants to bring her into the pack, he’s worried she’ll end up with the wrong crowd, he’s determined to go full after school special on her about the dangers of the supernatural world… Which is kind of ironic considering we’re all part of it, but that’s not my call.”

“I thought you were with Scott and his group?”

“Well all merged, usually do when there are threats. It just makes life easier for everyone, and makes sure we don’t die. Not that this mission is anything serious! It’s okay Y/N, don’t freak out, I can hear your heartbeat speeding up!”

”Scott I don’t think… FUCK!” Liam jerks backwards and you try not to move, you can hear his heart pounding and you almost want to joke about it, but instead you just swallow and wait for the rest of the team.

“Okay so some sort of werejaguar? Like Kate?”

“Those look like leopard spots.” Scott tilts his head and you nod a little.

“Oh you can understand us! Great! My name is Scott McCall and-”

“I Know Scott, I was wondering if I could talk to Liam, privately…”

“Holy fuck, yeah, course Y/N…” Scott nods and Liam steps forward both of you stepping closer to the other edge of the street.

“You didn’t tell any of us!”

“I couldn’t! You were always talking about how awful and cruel Kate was!”

“Cause she’s a fucking ARGENT!!!! No offense Allison, but seriously!!!! She’s psycho!!!!”

“And?”

“You’re my girlfriend! Everyone here knows you’re not crazy!!!”

“But I’m…”

“Yeah you’re a werecat, uh leopard? Jaguar?” He offers and you shrug a little, you were never sure what the doctors had made you from, just that they had said big cat anytime they asked. Liam grins, clearly pleased that you’re not hiding anything else from him.

“So about our date tomorrow, rain check?” He grins exposing his fangs and you do the same; finally able to show him the real you.

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[hogwartsfirebolt]

Hello everyone! I’m back for my (omg time flies) third yearly drarry rec list, in which I share with you my 30 favorite drarry fics I read in the year, divided in three parts. What a year 2020 was. It was challenging, scary and confusing, and it was also an amazing reading year for me, I read so, so much more than I ever had before, and I’m really excited to share these masterpieces with you! The banner art is by @dragontamerdame who is one of my favorite artists and was kind enough to let me use this beautiful piece, which you can (and totally should) reblog right here. Now, with nothing else to add and in no particular order, here’s my

FAVORITE FICS I READ IN 2020 PART ONE

1. Who we are in the shadows - @quicksilvermaid - 100k - E - What happens when you’re forced to become the very thing you despise? Ex-Auror Harry Potter, tossed out of the Ministry for something he had no control over, has been looking for a way back to his former life. When he comes across Draco Malfoy in the criminal underbelly of Wizarding London and in need of protection, Harry figures bringing him in to face the Ministry's justice is his ticket back to everything he's lost. But nothing is exactly as it seems. Not even Harry himself. And as he gets drawn further and further into Malfoy's world of honour and deception he finds himself questioning everything he thought he knew—about his childhood nemesis, the Ministry job he misses so much, and most of all, about himself. What happens when you’re forced to see that you were wrong?

THIS FIC!!! It was the first one I read in 2020, and it immediately became my favorite fic of the entire year, and one of my favorites of all time. I have since read it two more times, the entire 100k of it. There are absolutely no words to describe how amazing it is, how much it floored me to read their characterizations, their jobs and the roads life took them on to end up where they end up, the connection between them in a time when they don’t even know how to relate to anyone, their sorrow and struggles which, despite being so rooted in the magical world, are painfully human, just... wow. It’s a masterpiece. It changed the way I view their characters, forever, and I suspect I will read it many, many more times in the years to come. It’s that kind of story. If for whatever reason you haven’t read it, this is your sign to take that chance and embark on this amazing journey. 

2. Every Kingdom - @thistle-verse - 7k - E - Every kingdom needs a prince. Every prince needs a good and useful knight. Draco and Harry play their parts and renegotiate some borders while they’re at it.

So, so lovely. Even though I don’t read them very often, alternate universes fascinate me so much, and I am in awe of the author for being able to pack so, so much story, so neatly into 7k words. This features a princely, lonesome Draco, a charming, golden Harry, and a blossoming love that could change everything. It’s beautiful, and I recommend it deeply.

3. The Bucket List - GallaPlacidia - 32k - Draco will die in six months if he can't get Harry Potter to fall in love with him. Since that's not going to happen, he might as well spend his last days working through his Bucket List. Tap-dancing lessons? Rock climbing? Poetry-writing? Threesomes? Cocaine? Getting to know his adorable cousin, Teddy Lupin? Draco will try them all! Feat. Cheerily pessimistic Draco, devoted bitch queen Pansy Parkinson, and a Harry who can't help but notice that something seems DIFFERENT about Draco, these days.

I’m positive that many, many of us got acquainted with GallaPlacidia’s writing this year, and I, too, fell in love with it. This story aches in the most beautiful of ways, the humor happens to be somehow light in such a difficult circumstance that it ends up hurting when you laugh, it hurts when everything is right because it’s also wrong, it aches when it’s supposed to be a happy moment and feels tender and sweet when it’s not. I can’t even imagine the challenge of writing this kind of story, and they pulled it off beautifully. It’s a lovely story, one you will take with you long after you finish it, and, personally, I think it’s a great introduction to the author’s writing. 

4. halcyon days - @the-starryknight - 1.3k - T - Sleepy mornings caught while the sun rises are reserved for silly word games and soft touches and feelings.

Oh my god, the amount of tenderness in such a low wordcount made me weak in the knees. I almost couldn’t take it. Being able to convey such a deep emotional connection in a short story seems like such a daunting task, and the author makes it seem almost effortless. I guarantee that this will make you bring your hands to your chest and sigh with how lovely it is. Reading it will be the best ten minutes of your day. 

5. Clouds That Veil the Midnight Moon - @drarrytrash - 37k - E - According to Harry’s personal narrative regarding the incident, he’d hooked up with Draco Malfoy for purely self-destructive reasons, or out of convenience, or by some unlucky accident. Looking at him, sprawled in the moonlight, Harry is devastated to recall that he’d hooked up with Draco Malfoy because he’s hot. Draco is a secret werewolf and Harry is doing his best and they've got criminals to catch, darn it.

Reading this, I found myself laughing out loud, nodding profusely with how freaking spot on the characterizations are. The dialogue is amazing, so hilarious and real and Harry’s inner monologue is so, so him. I love everything about this story. I have a soft spot for werewolf fic, and this one hit everything I love about it, the case is interesting and engaging, the incidental characters, the OCs, Ron and Hermione, everyone and everything is absolutely perfect and I had an absolute blast reading it. You HAVE to read this and see for yourself what I’m talking about. 

6. Sex Ed for Aurors - curiouslyfic - 8k - M - Some things, you need to learn on the job.

Oh my god this is so freaking good. The premise is, basically, that Harry is accidentally doused with a lust potion while in the vicinity of Draco, and suddenly wants him more than anything. I loved this take on that trope, we’re in Harry’s head, and it’s absolutely hilarious and endearing to experience the near childish glee he feels whenever Draco looks his way, when he smiles, when he feels he’s made him happy, meanwhile Draco and Ron are horrified and doing whatever they can to correct it. This is so funny and such a good time, I can’t recommend it enough! While you’re at it, you should definitely read megyal’s remix of this, which is also a blast. 

7. plasticine porters with looking-glass ties - @bonesliketambourines - 15K - E - Lately, Harry thinks things don’t seem the same between him and Draco. His head is in the clouds when he thinks about what their relationship is now, and where it might be headed—he’s happy with their friendship, but he wants something else. A potions accident over a lunchtime visit to Draco’s lab (what does he get up to in there, anyway?) changes things, though, and accelerates their relationship faster than either of them had ever expected. How are they going to get through this new development together?

Atmospheric, beautifully-written and delicious. Their relationship is tender, just on the edge of something more, when they’re forced to quarantine together and face the effects of a potion that makes them see and feel things differently, which makes for the most intense, visual, gorgeous sex scene I think I’ve ever read. It’s just absolutely phenomenal. 

8. i wake up falling - warmfoothills - 9k - M - Draco’s always leaving, one way or another. Harry’s usually 240 thousand miles too late.

In trying to come up with a way to summarize this story, I’m feeling the overwhelming urge to cry again, just like I did when I read it. It’s just so, so, beautiful, every single word of it aches in the best way, the longing feels deeply authentic and just, the setting and the jobs and everything is so unique and gorgeous. Every single work by this author is beyond beautiful, but especially this one is incredibly close to my heart and I think everyone should read it. It’s a gem. 

9. In Every Universe - @skeptiquewrites - 27k - M - They sent Professor Harry Potter to search for Unspeakable Draco Malfoy. Draco has stolen a Firebird, an experimental magical device from the Department of Mysteries that lets you enter parallel universes as yourself. As Harry traverses from universe to universe, he begins to think Draco might be the one searching for him. A story about whether knowing what's possible makes it possible.

Stories where the characters find themselves somehow hopping from one reality to another are always so, so fascinating to me, and this one is incredibly creative and well-written, so entertaining all around. The mystery of it kept me on my toes, and every single reality was a joy to read. 10/10

10. Life goes not backward - @shealwaysreads - 8k - T - Harry still isn’t used to gifts, but this one is different. A story of coming home, finding safe ground, and the wild courage of putting down roots. Leaving one life behind isn’t always a sacrifice, and sometimes the greatest good comes from embracing the people you love.

My god, there are not enough words to describe how much this story means to me, how beautiful it is, how every single time I’ve read it, I’ve cried. Bella has undoubtedly become one of my absolute favorite writers in fandom. She has such a way with words, there is not one of her stories that hasn’t touched me, that doesn’t feel like an actual, full-length novel no matter the word count. I read so many of them this year, so many of the masterpieces she’s gifted us, but this one especially is so tender, so dear, that I ended up choosing it as my favorite of hers this year. Harry’s charactertization, the unbelievable warmth of their relationship, absolutely everything about this is gorgeous. Go read it, right now, and then binge all her other works!! You won’t regret it.

---------------------------------

Each of these fics is incredibly close to my heart and I enjoyed them immensely. In the midst of everything changing, I really found comfort and solace in the amazing works of the people of this fandom. I hope they give you the same amount of warmth and comfort they gave me, and I’m ALWAYS here to gush about any of them ❤️ Happy New Year! 

[givemethatgold]

Fix’er Upper Pt. 5

Pairing: Frankie Morales x F!Reader

Warnings: Mentions of past abusive relationship, swearing, past drug use, alcohol

Word Count: 1.8k

Notes:

Parts ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR

Your injury, and consequential recovery time, couldn’t have come at a better time. The harvest was done and the apples had to rest before being pressed, which meant Frankie was now free to start working on your home. The work didn’t often require more than two hands so the days found you doing menial tasks being his gopher.

“You know,” Frankie had had to explain to you, “Go’fer this, go’fer that.”

This mainly consisted of you passing him tools while he was swearing under his breath in the attic, or groaning after rapping his knuckles under the sink, or white-faced and clinging to the weathervane on the roof. 

You had discovered Frankie’s sweet tooth on the first day of renovations, not noticing until after he’d left for the day that more than half the cookies you’d baked that morning were already gone. Making sure he was kept happy, you had a new treat ready for when he walked in the door. 

He was a coffee drinker though, and while you owned a coffee press you had never actually used it yourself, preferring tea leaves for your dose of caffeine. You’d tried, the first morning, to make a cup for him. You even googled How to Make a Cup of Coffee? to make sure you didn’t fuck it up. 

You could laugh about it now, but the look on Frankie’s face after he’d taken his first sip made you worry you had poisoned him. He had spat the black sludge out and handed you back the mug with a look of bewildered disgust. Apparently, you needed to grind the beans first, who knew?

An efficient, if not quite comfortable, rhythm had been forged between the two of you over the past week and a half. Frankie would arrive at nine in the morning, scarf down half a dozen treats while discussing the day’s projects. You would run to town in his truck (yours was still at the autobody shop awaiting parts) and buy any supplies that would be needed while he set up the worksites and organized the tools that would be required.

You had added popping into the local café for a large coffee for Frankie and a red rooibos latte with almond milk for yourself. The first couple of days you had bought him a brownie too but stopped after he’d only half-finished the first one and mumbled through the crumbs in his mouth that yours were better. It only took you three days before the owner had your order ready for you before you even walked in the door, five days before you noticed the sidelong glances the little old ladies were giving each other as you walked out.

Small towns, you thought to yourself, rolling your eyes, had the unique benefit and downfall of everyone knowing everyone else’s business. They’d quit with the hardly-concealed smirks if they knew how awkward working with Frankie was becoming.

You had been sure, in the immediate aftermath of waking up in Frankie’s arms while his truck sat in your driveway, that he was never going to speak to you again. The two of you and hopped out and began explaining away whatever conclusions Jacquie and Mark had made. Then Frankie, without even looking in your general direction, told Jacquie to get you inside and have your wrist looked at. 

To his credit, he had taken care of everything regarding your truck for you. The tow truck came and hauled it to the yard, Frankie had commandeered the inspection report and, after calling them out on trying to swindle you into buying unnecessary parts, had ordered what was needed and paid. 

You had, naturally, argued against this but you both knew you weren’t in a position to afford it. Frankie shut down your arguments gracefully, and broke his apparent vow of silence, with a gruff “I’m just doing it so I can drive my damn truck without you changing the radio station.” The absolute charmer.

It was your damn house, though, so you decided you'd talk as much as you wanted and it would be up to him to interact. Either that or you had music blaring from the radio, never playing his favourite country station purely out of spite. 

Never quite sure if he was listening or not, you rambled on about anything and everything. You explained your vision for the house and the plans you had for a greenhouse in the yard. Memories from your childhood were described in great detail, as were embarrassing stories from your year in college. Baking tips, waxing poetic about your love for sunflowers, interesting animal facts, you'd even downloaded a Word of the Day App and made a game of fitting the words into your daily uninterrupted monologues.

It took three days for Frankie to break.

You had been reminiscing about your trip to Disneyland as a child when he abruptly cut in, voice muffled due to the nails being held between his lips.

"You never talk about it."

You assumed he was referring to the little all-day nap you’d shared in his truck, as it had yet to be spoken of, but were taken aback by the slight accusatory tone.

"Talk about what?"

He took so long to reply, you started to think that he had interrupted purely to shut you up. The silence demanded an explanation though, so you kept your mouth shut and waited.

Clambering down from the attic, where he had been strengthening the trusses throughout the sagging section of roof, Frankie pinned you with his gaze and softly repeated himself.

"You never talk about it. The time in your life when you were married." He must have seen your hackles rise because he quickly set down the hammer and held his hands up in a placating wave.

"You still haven't answered my question about being in the army," was your quick response, finished with an ever-so-mature, "so there."

With a resigned sigh, Frankie twisted his hat around backward and scrubbed his hands across his face. "Come on" -waving you towards the patio doors- "these kinds of conversations require fresh air and a drink."

Reluctantly you followed him outside but rather than sinking down onto the porch swing you opted to lean against the post facing it. Opening two ciders, which you now had free access to, you handed one to Frankie and watched him over the top of the bottle.

Half of your drink was gone and your mind had wandered to greenhouse and flower garden placement before Frankie spoke again. His voice low and quiet catching you by surprise.

"Yeah," he broke the silence with another ragged sigh, "I, uh, I served. Started in the Air Force, worked my way up to Special Tactics Squadron. Made enough noise there to get recruited to Delta Force."

"Oh, fuck," your exclamation was soft with shock "you've seen some shit then." Blast your runaway mouth and its inability to wait for your brain to catch up before blurting out your inner thoughts. "I'm sorry!-"

"No, it's okay" Frankie interrupted, trying to reassure you and remove the horrified look that had come across your face. 

"No, no, that was totally uncalled for. Brad, my um, my husband, he was a Marine. He hated talking about it, said no one liked talking about it. I should have known."

"It's not that," Frankie reassured you again, "You were the first person to ever ask me about it, in all the time I've lived here. Just took me by surprise."

Leaning over in the swing, Frankie pulled out his wallet from his back pocket and handed you a photo from inside it. Five men beamed up at you. You could recognize them from a few of the photos that had rested on Frankie's mantle, they looked older in this one.

"Tell me about them?" you asked, knowing that most of the request was due to curiosity but a small part of you hoped that if you kept him talking you could avoid the subject of your marriage.

The sun was beginning to set and you'd long moved inside to eat dinner by the time Frankie was done sharing. It must have been cathartic, you mused, for him to bare this much about himself. He had never looked more relaxed in all the time you'd known him, which wasn't saying much and it could just as easily been due to the amount of alcohol thrumming through his system.

The room fell into a companionable silence, each of you digesting the information that had been revealed. You were in awe of the fact that, despite the life of violence he had witnessed, Frankie still maintained his humanity. Even after a messy divorce and lost custody battle, Frankie continued to choose the path of healing. He was clean, was fighting for shared custody of his daughter again, running his own business, and still had found time to endear himself into the town's hearts.

Frankie was, for all his sharp edges and gruff words, a sweetheart.

It put into stark comparison how Brad had reacted to the lemons life had served him. Born into an upper-middle-class home, the only son, doted on by his parents, Brad had been raised into a life where every door was open to him. Despite this, or maybe because of it, he had grown hateful of those weaker than him. He was controlling but had just the right amount of charm to pass it off as caring.

"I've met men like that," 

You nearly jumped out of your skin from surprise. Looking at Frankie with wide-eyed shock you wondered again what the hell was in the cider. This was the second time you'd poured your heart out to a virtual stranger, but this time you hadn't even realized you'd started speaking your thoughts aloud. 

Squaring your shoulders and holding Frankie's gaze you continued, almost challenging him to find someone worse than Brad had been.

"He made me quit college because he said he wanted to start a family. Then berated me and acted like it was all my fault every time the pregnancy test came back negative. You know what that asshole did?" Tears were threatening to fall but you held on to Frankie's gaze, "He had gotten a vasectomy months earlier. I didn't find out about it until after he died; going through paperwork that had been stored in his desk."

Frankie was up on his feet now, pacing around the kitchen island, too distraught to keep still. How could anyone be so cruel? Let alone be so cruel to someone as sweet and pure as you. He hated seeing you cry but knowing you weren't receptive to people being in your personal space, wasn't sure how to comfort you. 

Acting on pure instinct he grabbed the kettle and started preparing you some tea, not allowing himself to ruminate how he knew which flavour you preferred. Setting your favourite pottery mug in front of you, along with the little honey pot, he also decided to grab the fluffy throw blanket off your couch. 

"I get it now," he thought to himself offhandedly, "why women have so many fuckin' blankets and pillows in every room."

Placing the throw around your shoulders he was preparing to say goodnight and let you have some peace but was stilled by your hand reaching up and covering his.

"Please. Stay."

Part SIX

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[lesbiansforboromir]

once again you made me deeply emotional over boromir. i don't have the fellowship (much less the english edition) at hand, so i can't even re-read my fav parts with him. any particular boromir-related stuff you may share?

FUCK ok I’ve got a migraine and a passion and I do not know how to use either of them but I’m gonna use this ask to talk about something I’ve been thinking about for months, not kidding on that one. 

Galadriel... was the direct cause of Boromir trying to take the ring- HEAR ME OUT. 

There are some very important things to remember about Boromir when you’re considering his actions and motives.

- He explicitly came on the quest assuming it would lead them all to Minas Tirith, because that’s where he needed to get back too. It’s very clear, he and Aragorn are literally going because Minas Tirith is on the way to Mordor. And every detour and every delay of the Company amps up his frustration and worry. 

- He left Gondor with the certainty that his city would be besieged VERY soon and that they would not be able to break it. His trip to Rivendell is desperation based in it’s entirety, he’s looking for anything that might help. 

- He knows absolutely none of these people from adam and whilst he very much wants to trust them, they have yet to win his loyalty or faith in ANY capacity. I’m sorry! I know everyone wants the Fellowship to be that good good found family foundation but it simply isn’t that for Boromir and never has been.

Okay so when they finally leave Moria and Gandalf’s dead, everyone’s grieving and miserable. They are also worried, Gandalf was their guide and as much as Aragorn’s a tracker he doesn’t have Gandalf’s expertise. Then again, Moria had been entirely Gandalf’s decision in the first place, claiming there wouldn’t be many orcs in there at all in an argument he has with Boromir about how dangerous the mines would be in comparison to the Gap of Rohan. Indeed, if Bilbo hadn’t given Frodo the mithril shirt then Frodo would be straight up dead and it would have been Gandalf’s decisions that caused it. 

So at this point Boromir’s faith in Aragorn’s ability is pretty low. And no one else in the Fellowship has any interest in leading. Boromir deferred to Aragorn’s judgement because Aragorn’s more knowledgeable of Eriador and also just... a dude who needs to be in control, it’s easy to tell. But now Boromir’s not so sure Aragorn’s up to it, since he seemed to rely on Gandalf so much. 

And then Aragorn tells them all they’re going to go through the Golden Wood. Now Boromir knows from the Rohirrim and Gondorian legend that the Golden Wood is Strange And Scary And Dangerous And Men Who Walk in Never Walk Out Again. And he says this, politely. Aragorn tells him he’s foolish for fearing it and essentially that if people got hurt in the Golden Wood then they deserved it. Again, despite the general discourtesy of these comments, Boromir chooses to believe Aragorn’s judgement. 

The next thing that happens is they are accosted by Haldir, treated like possible enemies or spies (despite Haldir admitting that Elrond had already told them they were coming) and a day and a lot of dwarfphobia later Haldir is threatening Gimli with death. No I’m not joking, Haldir says there’s a law dwarves can’t come into Lothlorien without a blindfold. And when Gimli gets justifiably angry about this and wants to go back if he’s being treated this way, Haldir says he WILL be killed if he tries to leave. Weapons are drawn! The only reason this de-escalates is because Aragorn suggests they all go blindfold because ‘it is hard on the dwarf to be so singled out’. I cannot express to you how soon this happens after Aragorn assures everyone that Lothlorien is safe. I also cannot emphasise enough how Gimli does absolutely nothing to deserve this, he’s polite and kind as ever until Haldir instigates it. 

So again!! Another mark against Aragorn’s reliability! And then we come to the CRUX of the matter, the meeting with Galadriel and Celeborn. 

A lot happens here, some of it very funny in terms of Galadriel’s treatment of Celeborn, but the important part is at the end where Galadriel mind-interrogates all the fellowship but Aragorn and Legolas. Again, this isn’t subtext, in-text it says interrogate. And the fellowship discusses it afterwards. Gimli, Sam, Merry and Frodo all agree that ‘Galadriel offered them a choice, to go back home where they would be safe, or to continue on with the quest though there may be far greater perils ahead’. 

But that couldn’t have been the choice she gave Boromir. Because he can’t go home to be safe and sound away from the evil!! He lives there!! This has been Boromir’s fight his whole life, it has never BEEN a choice for him. And from this moment on Boromir’s manner changes dramatically. He questions Frodo about what Galadriel asked him, he expresses concern about Galadriel’s motives, he says he believes she was TEMPTING HIM (remember that for later), concerns which are, once again, sharply and cruelly dismissed by Aragorn. 

There is then a MONTH of a time skip, we get descriptions of the how the other fellowship spend their time in Lothlorien. Gimli and Legolas become friends. Everyone else grieves Gandalf and has a lovely time in Lothlorien... apparently. 

But Boromir has never had any real positive feelings toward Gandalf and did not show any real grief at his loss initially. And whereas the rest of the fellowship seems respectful and awed by Galadriel and Celeborn, Boromir replies to their questions at the end of the fellowship’s stay in Lothlorien with what I would call veiled anger. `As for me,' said Boromir, `my way home lies onward and not back.' Which is a callback to the interrogation, the stark difference between the motivations and priorities of the rest of the Fellowship in comparison to Boromir. Which became VERY obvious to him in that moment. So I would posit that! Boromir did not have a good time at all! Boromir was stuck somewhere he felt unsafe and unwelcome and every extra second they spent in Lothlorien was yet another moment he was away from his currently-at-war home!!! 

Anyway just before they leave the fellowship is privately discussing what road they should take when Boromir makes a slip of the tongue, where he’d always been articulate and clear before. 

‘But if you wish to destroy the armed might of the Dark Lord, then it is folly to go without force into his domain; and folly to throw away-’ He paused suddenly, as if he had become aware that he was speaking his thoughts aloud. `It would be folly to throw lives away, I mean.'

It is very obvious to Frodo what he actually meant here, and this is where essentially Frodo’s inner monologue lays it all out!

Frodo caught something new and strange in Boromir's glance, and he looked hard at him. Plainly Boromir's thought was different from his final words. It would be folly to throw away: what? The Ring of Power? He had said something like this at the Council, but then he had accepted the correction of Elrond.

The important points in this section are that 1: Boromir has started thinking about the Ring of Power as something usable. 2: He did not think this before now, he had accepted Elrond’s words. This is ‘new and strange’. Something changed here. 

And of course it did! Boromir doesn’t trust any of these clowns anymore. 

Boromir’s advice, priorities and concerns have been almost entirely ignored and derided throughout the fellowship, even from the very moment he arrived in Rivendell! And after nearly freezing on a mountain, being chased by wargs, dragged through a mine of Orcs, a Balrog, threatened by supposed allies and then mind invaded by some elf he’s told to be in awe of, whatever will he had to trust and stay faithful to Aragorn’s decisions is barely hanging on. 

And Galadriel didn’t just invade Boromir’s mind, she was tempting him! He says so himself! And considering the circumstances and how he speaks about it, the only logical conclusion is that she is tempting him with the ring, because Boromir’s shown no sign of conflict or interest in the ring before now. So Galadriel was the one who put that concept into his mind in the first place. It’s Galadriel who initiates Boromir thinking again on whether this was in Gondor’s best interests. And Boromir recognises she’s trying to manipulate him!! Which is fucking heartbreaking!! 

'To me it seemed exceedingly strange,' said Boromir. `Maybe it was only a test, and she thought to read our thoughts for her own good purpose; but almost I should have said that she was tempting us, and offering what she pretended to have the power to give.’ (--)  `Well, have a care! ' said Boromir. `I do not feel too sure of this Elvish Lady and her purposes.'  `Speak no evil of the Lady Galadriel! ' said Aragorn sternly. 'You know not what you say. There is in her and in this land no evil, unless a man bring it hither himself. Then let him beware!’

Do you see?? Do you all see?? Am I making any sense at all?? Well I make sense to ME so lets continue- Here, you see how Aragorn puts all the blame on Boromir again? The twisted knot Boromir is in at this point is unfathomable and EVEN STILL! Boromir resists! For a very long time! This is what I mean when I say any characterisations of Boromir being overemotional or somehow out of control get at me so much, NEVER has a man had so much self discipline in his wholeass life. Boromir’s entire civilisation could be being bulldozed by Minas Morgul at this very moment and yet he takes everything that’s thrown at him without malice and internally continues to desperately hold onto his integrity. 

But that’s what’s at stake! His integrity! Because now he’s grappling with what seems like a choice to either keep faith with the fellowship, stay with them and go where they go despite how much his country needs him, or potentially do something drastic in order to bring a the powerful weapon Gondor seems to have ALWAYS been looking for home to finally actually save his people. Because that’s what Galadriel offered him! And whilst he doesn’t trust her, it’s also in his head now as a logical thing to want! He doesn’t trust Elrond either at this point, so why should he believe what he said about the ring! It’s obvious everyone has boundless ulterior motives!!

Oh! Here’s a good place to try and explain my theory of how the ring’s temptation actually works. The Ring can control people one of two ways. The first we see with Frodo and with Boromir, it takes FULL control of their actions for a split second when they are vulnerable. For Frodo it made him put it on on Weathertop. For Boromir it made him attack Frodo. However this effect is exceedingly temporary and the person effected immediately comes back into themselves and recognises that what they did was outside of their control. 

The other way is often thought of as this like pervasive constant pull to the ring that effects you even just by being around it, wearing you down etc. But I don’t think that’s what happens. I think, in order for the ring to start exerting real dangerous persistant power over you, you have to know it’s power and logically want it. You have to come to that conception yourself, you have to think about it. 

And I have a lot of reasons for this but where it pertains here-!! Boromir is a fine, reliable and solid member of the fellowship RIGHT up until Galadriel’s mind meld. It’s not gradual, he goes from making jokes, carrying Hobbits and fighting Balrogs to BARELY being able to control his speech and biting his nails and staring at Frodo creepily. There is barely any easing into it and it starts with Galadriel!!

And you know what! There’s an even more sinister layer to this because like... WHY was Galadriel doing this mind stuff in the first place? An immediate obvious answer would be to test the fellowship, to make sure everyone was solid enough to carry on, to ensure the folk who continued were focused. But... If that’s the case... and Boromir’s test was the Ring... like... he obviously failed that test right? She was reading his mind! And she does it again before they leave! If we’re to assume that Galadriel’s mind powers are greater than Boromir’s ability to deflect them then... surely she would have known! That this turmoil was in him! And if she KNEW then why didn’t she say anything to anyone? To Aragorn?? But I don’t think yall are ready for that discussion yet tbh and I have to stop typing or I’ll go blind.

TL;DR Boromir didn’t want the Ring until Galadriel tempted him with it and made the idea of it saving Gondor a possibility to him. 

[hindisoup]

Self-studying a language with self-criticism

If you are a self-demanding person, like me, you may set yourself very high expectations, and then feel upset from time to time when you fail, like me, to reach these unrealistic requirements.

Self-analysis is a healthy skill we can use to assess and measure our success, or to observe our shortcomings in a way that guides us and help us towards our learning goals. But sometimes it turns into counterproductive self-criticism which may drive us to compare ourselves to others or causing us to lose confidence. Lack of confidence and feelings of guilt or shame that may be felt due to those unmet self-set goals may stop a language learner from booking their next iTalki lesson or answering voice call from a language partner - feeding into the cycle of failing to reach our learning achievements.

Here are some tips that I have found helpful when that sinking feeling of failure hits:

First of all, check your energy levels. Sometimes, especially in the autumn or winter, the lack of natural light combined with busy work or study schedule can drain you, and you simply cannot perform at your best every day. If you have a low motivation day and notice that your inner monologue is self-deprecating or overly negative, focus on the basics. Try to give yourself a good night's rest and have a warm meal at least once a day. It's okay to mend your study routine to match your energy levels. Even if today is a bad day, tomorrow may be different. You are allowed to rest and it doesn't mean you are lazy. Self-care is not a failure, it is the key to Success with capital S.

Be kind towards yourself. Give yourself compliments and try to see yourself through the eyes of a friend. Look back and see how far you have already come. Congratulate yourself even on the smallest achievements, even if you think they may seem insignificant to others. It's about your learning and your journey. Focus on the positives, even if you acknowledge that you still have a lot to learn.

Remember, what made you begin to study your target language in the first place. If there was a special song or a film that inspired you, remind yourself of it, and the feeling of inspiration and excitement you might have felt back then. Your initial feelings and thoughts are valid, even if time has passed and your motivations or reasons for learning have grown or changed.

Try to think of mistakes as opportunities for learning. Especially, if you notice that you keep making similar mistakes time and time again, it may be useful to stop and analyse for a bit what particularly is tricky for you. Identify the issues and break them apart into tiny and approachable learning points, whether it's about a certain tense, a verb ending, case or pronunciation of a particular sound that keeps slipping from your mind.

Keep language learning light and fun. Personally, I've found it helpful to try my best to approach language like a child. A child doesn't mind their mistakes, they are curious, they keep exploring and learn through trial and error. What matters is communication, understanding and being understood. It's good to set some goals and targets for learning, but it's also okay to write off your weekly listening task by listening to a podcast from a phone speaker when taking a bath or watch a 10 minute stand up comedy gig in your target language while eating breakfast. Anything, that can give you the feeling that you have already engaged your brain in language learning today, well done you! On days of low energy or motivation, it is okay to do any activity you can squeeze in your schedule that relaxes more than stresses you.

If you are highly critical or demanding of yourself, receiving feedback on your language mistakes can feel awful. Accepting one's mistakes in a way that doesn't cause us to feel overwhelmingly like a failure can require a lot of soul searching and take a long time. It may be easier to think of yourself as a work in progress than to accept that you have failed at handling failure. Set yourself reachable goals and explore within yourself what kind of criticism you can process constructively. It's okay to set your limits and choose the situations where you receive feedback on your language skills. If needed, you can change language partners, limit your time on social media, or other contacts where you feel like you are being unwantedly corrected.

If you feel that your language partner or tutor is too critical and that their well-intended corrections turn into counter-productive punitive thinking in your mind, it's okay to word it. Instead of allowing yourself to wallow in the feelings of shame and ending up thinking about quitting the language altogether, you are allowed to tell people what type of feedback you are looking for and what kind of corrections you would want to get by saying things like: "Last time you pointed out that I should be mindful of pronunciation. I'm working on it. Today I feel like focusing on verb tenses, can we do that?" or "Please ignore it if I use wrong tenses today, I know I need to practice them more. Today I need you to help me expand my vocabulary", etc.

Finally, get connected with other language learners. It can be an extremely lonely journey if you are learning a language by yourself as a hobby, and not part of a group. Learning alone can be effective, but talking to other people at different stages of their language path, even if they are studying other languages, can be extremely helpful in that we all have bad days, most of us occasionally feel like a failure, but we also want to celebrate our small successes together - a native speaker may not fully appreciate the sense of joy when you have finally grasped some bonkers irregular conjugation pattern or are able to pronounce your first nasal sound correctly, but another language learner surely will!

[strawberriesinmoominvalley]

how to write a panic attack

something like this has probably been made before, but i thought i’d throw my two pence in. so, here’s how to write a panic attack by an anxious mess

what is a panic attack?

a panic attack is where someone feels terrified and scared, without being in any real danger. they mainly occur with people who have anxiety disorders and/or ptsd, although they can happen to anyone.

however, a panic attack isn’t just fear. it causes a physical response. you brain perceives a threat, and goes into fight/flight/freeze. adrenaline is released, your body prepares to react. you become focused on the danger, because your brain has seen a threat and is trying to protect you from the non-existent danger.

what causes them?

panic attacks can happen for no reason, however there is usually a cause. these can be anything, from “this room is loud” to “someone just triggered me by mentioning something to do with my trauma” to “i read something about a phobia i have”. 

if someone is already stressed, or tired, or just not having a good day, that will increase the likeliness of a panic attack. something that might not cause a panic attack on a normal day might cause one on a bad day. sometimes lots of things build up until your brain can’t take it anymore. 

triggers can seem very small. for example, if you’re talking about trauma, it could be the abuser’s name, or a smell that reminds you of something. they can be things that scare a character, or a song -  anything, really. they can seem insignificant, but can cause catastrophic consequences. 

symptoms

everyone experiences panic attacks differently. symptoms are a grab bag and no two people will experience them the same. most people will experience shortness of breath and a racing heart, but apart from that it’s really up to you. the combinations can be weird and strange but hey, that’s anxiety. i’m not going to be able to list every singly symptom here, but i’ll try to list as many as i can:

crippling fear - it comes on the tin, but it can vary. sometimes you’re just terrified, sometimes it feels like nothing good is ever going to happen again, and the world is always going to feel this way. you feel impending doom and fear and it is Bad

being convinced you are going to die. there isn’t really a better way to describe this, you just know this is the end and it is awful

feeling like you are out of control. this usually comes with the more severe ones, as it can feel like you are going crazy

a racing heart - your body feels like it needs to fight or flee from something, so it is preparing to do so

shortness of breath - this is terrifying. it can feel like something is pressing into your chest, and your throat is closing up. you can choke and gasp and never feel like you have enough air. this usually causes you to hyperventilate

dizziness and feeling lightheaded - this usually comes from hyperventilating. your character may hand to sit down suddenly, or, if they’re stubborn like me and refuse to for whatever reason, just dramatically faint

feeling nauseous - most people will feel sick/have terrible stomach cramps, but not throw up. i have, but it’s happened only once

hot/cold flashes

sweating

goosebumps

chest pains - from my experience, your chest just aches and feels heavy, although sometimes it can cause you to double over in pain

crying - anyone can cry during a panic attack. it can cause them to hyperventilate worse, because it’s hard to breathe when you’re sobbing

screaming - sometimes anxiety can come out of anger. they might scream incoherently at people, and can completely wreck their voice in doing so

loss of speech - this can be awful, especially if you’re trying to communicate to someone what’s happening

shaking/trembling - everyone shakes when they’re anxious, but imagine your whole body doing it. you can’t control it, and can barely control your actions

ringing/buzzing ears - this can be mild, or to the point where you can barely hear

talking to yourself/babbling/repeating phrases - your speech isn’t going to be functional. at most, answering yes/no questions and maybe being able to partially describe what’s going on. but mostly, think “ohmygodohmygodohmygod” or “fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck”

freezing - the character might lose the ability to move anywhere. and i mean, they could be in the middle of a road and just freeze. it’s not good

pacing/fidgeting/not being able to stay still - they might throw things, jump around, might even partake in self-injurious behaviour

spiralling thoughts - even if there isn’t a trigger, the character’s inner monologue is going to loop and be incoherent. they’re going to repeat the same thoughts over and over and over. sometimes, when they’ve had it enough, they may also have the “not this again” complaint before the spiralling starts

feeling weak, like you might collapse

derealisation - feeling like everything around you isn’t real, and feeling detached from your surroundings. it feels like your in a dream-like state, or experiencing everything behind glass. it is terrifying. this can cause you to panic more, and may even hurt yourself trying to sense the world

depersonalisation - feeling detached from your body and like you aren’t real. imagine staring in the mirror and not recognise who’s staring back at you. again, terrifying and can lead to harming yourself

these aren’t even all the symptoms you can experience. there’s a lot, and can vary depending on the cause of the panic attack and the severity. for example, i tend to only derealise/depersonalise during a trauma-induced panic attack. symptoms change over time, and some symptoms may only happen during one panic attack and then never again.

writing the panic attack

now, i’m going to break this down into three sections - before the panic attack, during, and after

before the panic attack

first you need to start with the cause, which i’ve already spoken about. once you have that, you need to slowly increase the symptoms. it takes about 30 seconds for the anxiety to set in, so during that time you have to slowly introduce symptoms. if the character realises what’s going on, they may try to use coping mechanisms to stop it, or at the very least make it nicer (i’m going to talk about coping mechanisms a bit later). maybe they can feel their heart pounding, or all their senses sharpen, or their thoughts start to sharpen. it isn’t instant, there’s a build up to it.

during this time, they might run. this is extremely dangerous. they will not have the mental capacity then to think about danger. they could run into roads, hurt themselves in some way or just get lost. this is the one of the only times where a person can override the person’s wishes not to be touched (the other being if they are hurting themselves). them being safe is the highest priority.

during the panic attack

the thing about panic attacks is that they snowball. they get worse and worse until you manage to calm down or just get too exhausted to carry on. panic attacks are terrifying, but the symptoms make it twice as scary. it’s not fun.

you cannot reason your way out of them. your character is going to latch onto worst-case scenarios and nothing will ever be good again. they’re going to spiral, think of the same things over and over and over. they’re not going to think “oh no, i’m panicking”. they might have some control over their thoughts if this is their fiftieth as opposed to their third, but they’re still going to be pretty incoherent.

if this is their first one, they’re going to call an ambulance. i’m not joking. a lot of people have no idea what’s going on, and think they’re dying. it takes a few times for them to piece together what’s going on, and realise they’re having a panic attack. even if they know exactly what’s happening and it’s a regular occurrence, it is still terrifying. at one point, i was having panic attacks ever single day. i knew what was happening, but it was still awful.

the way your character can react can change how it presents. for example, if your character is stubborn, or feels like they’re “weak” because of it (which is totally untrue), maybe they’ll try to hide it. i get dizzy when i have a panic attack, and i used to hide it until suddenly i fainted. so from an external perspective, i was fine and then suddenly i was on the floor - although if someone knows you well, they can work it out regardless, so that can be a nice way to incorporate another character.

maybe your character doesn’t want to address the fact they’re having a panic attack. they could be visibly having one, but point-blank refuse to admit it. this can help show personality, while showing that they’re struggling.

panic attacks can last a few minutes. they can last hours. they are described as brief, but my shortest one has been around 20 minutes - which really isn’t short. my longest was 2 hours, and unsurprisingly, it was my worst. when you’re reaching the 45 minute mark, the format changes. then, it’s more like waves - you get really really scared and it feels awful, then you slowly start to calm down before it starts again.

after the panic attack

once the character has started calming down, whether because they’ve realised it’s been hours and they’re not dying, pure tiredness or getting symptoms under control, they are going to be exhausted.  i’ve passed out from exhaustion before. i’ve fallen asleep in awkward paces (like the middle of the street) because it is so tiring. if they’re outside/at work/school/etc. send them home (this doesn’t happen in real life much, but you can make your world a nice, supportive place). they won’t be able to do anything more taxing than making a cup of tea and cuddling up somewhere. they might not even be able to do that. they might even need someone to grab a blanket for them because the effort is too much.

most people feel more calm afterwards, but you can get awful stomach cramps from the anxiety. but most of the time, all they’re going to feel is tired. don’t put them into a battle. maybe if it’s the morning, they might be able to do something not too taxing in the evening. but most of the time, they’re going to be wiped out.

coping mechanisms

coping mechanisms 90% of the time won’t fix it. a lot of the time, you just have to wait it out. knowing what’s happening helps a lot, and if a character has experienced panic attacks a lot they might understand what’s going on. however, this isn’t always the case. i derealise and depersonalise a lot during panic attacks, but that means that a lot of the time i don’t know what’s happening. it’s terrifying. knowing is a thousand times better than not knowing what’s happening.

obviously there are many breathing techniques - for example, inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8. there are grounding techniques - 5 things you can see, 4 things you can gear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste. however, i often struggle to remember these because my brain gets pretty frazzled. but they DO work, if you want to include those.

a lot of people say you should hug someone, and to that, i have one word - NO. most people do not want to be touched in that situation, and hugging, especially if it’s a trauma-induced panic attack, could induce flashbacks and cause them more harm. some people do want to be hugged. some people want to be left alone. some people want to be guided through breathing, or given water, or talked to, or to hold a a hand. but!!!! please make your character ask. if that’s all you take away from this, just remember that you have to ask before you touch someone!

everyone copes differently, so bear that in mind

i want to include friends/family/significant others. how do i do that?

if the person is with someone who they feel responsible for, or have never reacted like this around them, they may try and hide what’s happening. this can make it worse, and it is less fun. i don’t want to have a panic attack around my younger sibling, so i try and hide it for as long as i can. so that’s something to think about.

if you want a cute moment where a s/o saves the day, this is not going to be it. a hug from someone nice isn’t going to magically cure the panic attack. hell, a hug might not even help at all. panic attacks are messy and awful. they can give them water, maybe talk to them, try to help them. honestly? the person is going to feel inadequate. there isn’t too much you can do, unfortunately, and they’re going to probably end up sitting there repeating the same few things over and over. but you know what? a love interest sticking with someone during the frightening, ugly hours of terror is sexy.

if you want cuddles, think about afterwards. as i have said, the person is going to be exhausted, and a lot of people will need comfort afterwards. they may even cry a lot, because they feel awful. if they’re not up to that, well maybe your other character can tuck them into bed, or run them a bath. you can have sweet moments, but wait until afterwards for the other to look after them.

-

there we go! i hope i’ve covered everything! if you need help writing scenes like this, message me - i’d be honoured to help!