#truly unfair i'm raging

[manny-jacinto]

also it's so fucking annoying that the acolyte is actually the first star wars show to be officially cancelled

like they never cancelled the book of boba fett or obi wan kenobi but they made sure to officially cancel the acolyte. and for what? to make the chuds happy?

i will always be mad at this holy shit. fuck disney and fuck star wars

[stereax]

saw you post 'listen before you go', thought you'd enjoy this:

oh...

[iceman-kazansky]

Did You Even Care?

˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊·̩̩̥͙·̩̩̥͙＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊·̩̩̥͙·̩̩̥͙＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊·̩̩̥͙

Requested by: none

Pairings: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x f!Reader

Warnings: Angst to fluff, explicit language (swearing), arguing, graphic kissing, reader is a naval aviator, my writing lmao

A/n: Wrote this on a kinda-whim. Also, first publicly published Rooster fic on Tumblr? what? No wayyyy. This is a product of my recent Rooster/Top Gun obsession as of late btw.

Taglist: @footprintsinthesxnd @inglourious-imagines

ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ || ᴛᴀɢʟɪꜱᴛ || ɴᴀᴠɪɢᴀᴛɪᴏɴ

˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊·̩̩̥͙·̩̩̥͙＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊·̩̩̥͙·̩̩̥͙＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊·̩̩̥

Your footsteps echoed down the hall as you walked alone, lost in your own thoughts. Further down the hallway, behind an almost closed door, you could hear muffled voices as you passed. Voices that raised into yelling. Unable to resume your own thinking, consumed by the argument that is rapidly escalating, you stop.

Truthfully, you hadn't planned on eavesdropping– but it just kind of happened.

Standing just out of sight, hidden behind the door frame, you listened to the two men arguing.

“Why did you stand in my way?” The one yells, and instantly you recognize the voice to be Bradley Bradshaw’s.

You listen intently as Bradley throws countless insults at the other person you've identified as Maverick, and with each one you think of how cruel and unfair Bradley is being.

The argument seems to be ending, but Bradleys quiet voice reminds you it's not yet over, “If you care about me then make it up to me by not choosing y/n for the mission. Choose me instead.”

Your eyebrows furrowed in anger and hurt at his sudden words. Confusion rapidly overwhelms you. What did you have to do with this? And what business did Bradley have removing you from the chance of being picked as a possible pilot?

The small thought occurred to you that maybe he'd wanted the position himself. And you threatened that. How, you weren't certain, but it was enough for him to try persuading the team's Captain.

Not needing to hear any more and sensing the argument was soon to be finished, you turned on your heel quickly and marched down the hallway in a pained rage.

Who did he think he was, getting you removed from the mission? You'd trained just as hard as everyone else so why did he go out of his way to guarantee you not getting picked as a pilot on the mission?

Hot tears sprung to your eyes as you borderline ran down the hall to escape Rooster and Maverick. You had truly thought Bradley cared about you. Had foolishly wondered if he'd ever give you the time and day and see you as more than a friend. But now, the looks that he'd sent your way, the tender softness and care he'd displayed seemed nothing more than a masquerade. Whatever his reasoning, you didn't care to hear.

You heard Bradley's unmistakable voice call your name, and next the quick tapping of his shoes as he ran down the hall to catch up with you.

He called your name again, a lot closer, but when once again you didn't answer, he grabbed your arm and turned you around to face him.

“Y/n–” He began, but you quickly cut him off.

“No, Bradshaw. I don't want to hear it!”

“Just listen– please! I can explain” He pleads.

You can feel your anger building inside of you, “explain what?” You shriek, not caring if anyone hears you, “How dare you! I've worked just as hard if not harder than most to get to where I am, to be called back for a mission, and you've selfishly gone and ruined it for me!”

He sighs in frustration, his voice also raising to meet yours, “Would you please just listen!?”

You don't follow his words, instead pressing further, “What reason could you possibly even have to fucking stop me from going? Because the way I see fit, you're nothing but a selfish asshole who wants to secure the position for yourself! Are you insecure I'm going to beat you to it and it'll be on my record, not yours? Then fine, Bradshaw, have it. I don’t fucking care!”

Bradley is fuming, his skin hot in anger, he was already fired up from his argument with Maverick and this was only fueling his rage. Why won't you listen? “I did it for you!” He all but yells at you, his voice loud in the empty hall, making you shrink away a little in shock, “Why don't you fucking understand that?”

Stunned, but not missing a beat, you reply sarcastically, “I'm sure removing me from the mission in order to get yourself the position is totally ‘for me,” your words are sharp like barbed wire with an unseen rage that simmers beneath your skin, pumping through your veins.

“I did it to protect you, goddamnit!” He bellows suddenly, catching you off guard.

For a long minute, there's nothing but silence, Bradley's angry face dark and dangerously close to yours, his hot breath fanning your face as he puffs loudly in anger. To protect me? You think, why? You don't say anything, instead staring at him with shock. His deep brown eyes ignited with flames of fury as they stared into yours, and you can physically and emotionally feel the anger ebbing away and confusion settling in to take its place.

“Why?” You croak quietly, breaking the silence.

“Because I love you,” he whispers back hesitantly, his hardened face softening.

“I don't need your protecting, Brad,” you say calmly, your voice hushed.

Perhaps it's the gentle, calming softness of your voice, or the heat from the previous confession and emotions left to linger, or maybe even the use of the short nickname from you, but whatever it is has him leaning forwards slightly to place his lips gently on yours in a passionate kiss.

You don't reciprocate immediately, instead pausing in a stupefied state and paralyzed with shock. However, the feeling quickly passes, and your body is overcome with a hunger– a desire– making you melt into him and supply as much passion as he does.

Together, your lips pressing together like two lost souls who've finally found their way back to each other in the most ardent way, you let the strong sense of love you'd held out. Through the years you'd known Bradley, you'd kept your feelings at bay, pushing them down with acceptance that he'd never see you like that, but now– with his admission of love, you'd been handed a key to unlock those pent up emotions in one passionate kiss.

You knew you were standing in the hall and any unsuspecting personnel could walk up at any moment, but you didn't care. The whole world pauses around you and the only thing you focus on is the solstice you find in each other.

Leaning away from Bradley, you breathe a sigh of happiness, “I love you.”

His brown eyes are filled with admiration and awe when he repeats, “I love you more.”

[misseviehyde]

PIERCE ME

"You are not getting your belly pierced young lady, whatever you may say - this is the end of the story!"  

Hannah pouted as her Mother screamed at her for the third time that day.  She had been nagging her Mom for hours now, but all it had succeeded in doing was to antagonize Linda and make it even less likely Hannah would get what she wanted.  

"That's so unfair. Donna's Mom let her get one. All my friends are getting them!"  

"Donna's Mom may not mind her daughter looking like a little slut - but I do.  You will have to wait till you are old enough to get one with your own consent. I want nothing to do with this," scowled Linda with her hands on her hips.

Stomping her foot, Hannah tossed back her head with a scream of rage and stormed out of the living room. On the way, she nearly bumped into a smirking figure by the door who was enjoying the show.

Hannah scowled as her little brother Eddie laughed at her. He loved watching her get into trouble and was such a goody two shoes. Pathetic little boys like him needed to stay out of her way.

She went to push him out of the way, but he ducked out of the way and stuck his tongue out at her.

What a little shitbag...

She'd show him to mess with her... him and her Mom!

***

Hannah decided she would get a piercing anyway. Once she had her belly pierced it would be too late for anyone to do anything about it and she didn't care if she got grounded so long as she got what she wanted.

She put on makeup and clothes to make herself look older and stormed down to the mall - but as she was too young to provide an I.D - no one was fooled enough to help her.

Sobbing outside a tattoo parlour, her mascara running, Hannah grit her teeth hard. Life was so UNFAIR. Why couldn't she just do what she wanted?

Suddenly she heard a laugh. A cool looking woman with pink hair and tattoos and piercings was leaning against the side of the shop eyeing her up.

"You gonna give up that easily bitch? I've been watching you all morning trying to get a piercing and failing. I was starting to admire your determination but now I see you're just pathetic."

Hannah stormed to her feet. "Fuck you! I'll get a piercing even if I have to do it to myself!"

The woman's eyes flashed with amusement and partial admiration. "Yes! That's more like it girl. Take what you want. Don't let anyone stand in your way. Bully and manipulate others to always get what you want. Sluts ALWAYS win."

Hannah gawped at her.

"I can see some real potential in you, so I'm gonna help you get EVERYTHING you ever wanted. I can give you an slutty magic piercing. Use it when you get home and it will turn you into a sexy eighteen year old bitch.  No one will even remember the old you - it will be like you have always been a hot popular slut. Your Mom will never be able to stop you again. You'll finally be the assertive, bullying, spoiled slut you dream of being and you will be able to get as many tattoos and piercings as you like. No one will ever stop you again."  

The woman produced a piercing from between her fingers and tossed it to the surprised Hannah. "Just put this into your belly button and let it bond with you. All your dreams will finally come true. Trust me."

Hannah slipped the piercing into her jeans pocket and with a muttered 'thank you' stumbled away whilst the woman watched with a smirk. Hannah truly believed what she had been given was really magic. There was just something so convincing about the woman.

The pink haired woman watched Hannah run excitedly away then turned and walked back into her tattoo parlour. "Evie's Place."

What happened next really wasn't her problem, she just hoped the girl enjoyed the gift she'd been given...

***

Hannah couldn't believe her luck. She wanted to believe in the magic so badly and be a hot older girl. The urge to put the ring in straight away was almost irresistible, but she wanted somewhere private to transform where she could enjoy her transformation. "Soon I'll be a slutty popular bitch and then NO ONE will stop me."

Hannah ran excitedly home, her heart pounding. She couldn't wait to try the magic piercing and get older and hotter.

Once she was a slutty eighteen year old she could fuck boys, drink alcohol and smoke. She would have a body that would make others jealous and would do whatever she wanted. She couldn't wait to be a slutty, spoiled bully and torment her Mom and stupid brother.

She could already imagine wearing the hottest skimpiest clothes, swearing and belittling people... getting tattoo's and maybe even her nipples pierced. It was going to be so fucking hot!

Bursting through the door to the house, Hannah grabbed the piercing and leapt up the stairs. A few more seconds and her dreams would come true.  She quickly ran up to her room, but in her haste failed to notice her brother Eddie was once again in the way.

This time he was too slow to avoid her and they collided, Hannah bouncing backwards and Eddie hitting the wall with an 'oof'. The impact caused her to fall onto her backside and the piercing leapt out of her hand and spinning in the air bounced onto the carpet in front of Eddie. Recovering quickly, he pushed himself off from the wall and he picked up the piercing triumphantly.

"Haha, Mom said you couldn't have one of these. I'm telling. You're gonna be in SO much trouble." Eddie was gloating, he loved having something to hold over his stupid sister.

Seeing the piercing glittering in her brothers fingers, Hannah suddenly felt the icy grip of fear. She had to get the piercing back at once from him, but she needed to play it down. If he thought for one moment it was really important, she'd never get it back. Taking it by force could be an option, but was risky. No... the subtle approach was best.

"It's a fake one you douche. Mom says I couldn't have a real piercing so I bought a fake one that stays in your belly without a pin. It's actually a worthless, cheap piece of shit. You're wasting your time, she isn't gonna care about it." Hannah tried to keep her voice calm.

"No! I don't believe you. I'll prove to Mommy you disobeyed her. Look - it doesn't stay in," sneered Eddie, sliding the piercing into his belly button to prove his sister wrong. 

"Noooooo" screamed Hannah - but it was too late as the piercing bit into Eddie's belly button and eagerly took root. He instantly transformed - a rippling wave of energy spreading out from the piercing and turning Eddie from a good boy into a nasty little slut and altering reality to create Hannah's bitchy older sister Ella.  

Bones cracked and skin tightened - his flesh tanning slightly as Eddie moaned and stretched pleasurably. It felt good to become a girl and he offered no resistance as big tits pushed out of chest, causing his top to balloon out and his little boy dick sucked away to become a tight eighteen year old pussy.  

Lying on the floor, Hannah stared up in horror at her transforming brother as his ass pushed out and he grew taller and sexier than she could ever hope to be.

Slutty white expensive nails sprang from each finger tip and every inch of hair on his body melted away to leave smooth tannedfemale flesh.

The girl above her was moaning and giggling in pleasure as her voice became rich and bratty.

"Oooooh what's happening... mmmmhhh it feels so good," she moaned as her short hair lengthened and grew out. Thick slutty makeup coated Eddie's once innocent face and naughty pink lips curved into a surprised look as his insides churned and he became physically fully female.  

"Ohhhh shit, I can mmmmh almost feel my ahhhh new uterus in there... oooh I'm a fucking girl and I like it! I feel so feminine. I can FEEL the estrogen pumping around me. Making me girly, making me like boys. Mmmmh."

Thick black lashes fluttered in pleasure as sexy blonde hair fell down around her shoulders and naughty blue eyes twinkled with the desire for sex.

This girl needed a new outfit and Eddie's shorts became a pair of tight white hot pants as his big tits were encased in a slutty pink top. Gold hooped earring dropped from his ears as his trainers turned into bitchy pink cowboy boots - just perfect to get fucked in.

As his clothes changed - Ella's personality rose inside him to take control. A bitchy voice giggled in his head and Eddie allowed it to re-write his thoughts, mind and personality.

Sinking into Ella felt good. Being older and sluttier felt so amazing. The piercing was making HIM the naughty bitch of the family. He wanted it all.

Hey little Eddie. Time to become me... mmmh time to be a bad, bad girl. You're gonna love having my pussy and tits and being a naughty little cock-sucking slut. Let me fill your head with memories of all the boys we gave blow jobs to and all that cock we swallowed.  Mmmh you love cum now don't cha bitch?  And getting fucked by a big cock... feeling it deep in that tight pussy. Mmmh you live for that now! Yes thats it... you're becoming me... ahhhhh good boy. Now cum and become me fully...

Shuddering in pleasure, Ella creamed her panties and the once pure and innocent boy became a spoiled bitch. His bad girly side was now dominating their body. Eddie was dead.

"Oh fuck  yeah - I am sooooo totally a slut now and I fucking love it. Yessss!" 

Giggling madly, Ella grabbed her tits and squeezed. She felt amazing. Being a naughty whore was such fun and she was never going to take the piercing off.  

Hannah shook her head like she was in a dream. The events of the last few hours were fading as reality changed so that she remembered nothing of her brother.

Looking at her slutty sister, Hannah felt nothing but disgust. "Eugh - why are you always acting like such a slut?", muttered Hannah darkly as she watched Ella play with herself.

Her sisters new personality had slotted into her own life and having grown up embarrassed and disgusted by her exhibitionist sister, Hannah was now a quiet little nerd girl. She no longer remembered she ever had a brother or that she had even wanted the piercing for herself.  

Ella did remember though - it amused her to think she had woken up this morning as a little boy. Being a hot bitchy slut was loads better and she giggled joyously. "Whatever sis. I'm off to my room for some real fun. You're SUCH a fucking loser."

Hannah had just picked herself up. She now had bottle top glasses and a preppy outfit on. Laughing, Ella tore the glasses off her face and ground them under a booted heel - then she pushed her blinded sister over again.

"Ohhh but before I go, if you ever call me a slut again in front of Mom and Dad I'll do worse than this you little bitch. Don't forget it."

***

Changed into something more casual and easy to rip off - Ella excitedly examined her room. It was a boudoir fit for a princess.

Calling her latest boyfriend on her expensive mobile phone, Ella examined her new bedroom as he made his way over. It was pink now. Pink, girly and slutty - just the way she likes.

She played with her blonde hair and admired her sexy new grown up body, lusting after herself.  Fuck she was hot.

When her bad boy boyfriend Jason arrived she didn't waste anytime. "Baby - I am so horny. I want you to fuck me... hard." 

Ella moaned and squealed as Jason threw her onto the bed and ripped off her clothes. His hand closed round her throat as he pushed deep into her tight bare pussy and began to pound her - causing Ella to moan and groan in pure ecstasy.  This was how she liked it... to be used like a whore.

"Yes... fuck me you stud! Pound my body with that big cock! I want it deeper... OHHHH YES"  

Ella loved being fucked rough. She watched her piercing glitter in her navel as Jason stretched her pussy out good. His cock slid in and out of her tight clinging pussy lips and her big tits shook as he fucked her hard. She wrapped her tanned legs around his strong waist.

"Cum in me baby... I wanna feel it fill me up."

Turning her head Ella giggled as she saw her door was ajar and the tear streaked squinting face of Hannah was watching her. It was so fucking hot to rub her sisters face in it. Hmmm maybe she should make the little bitch eat Jason's cum when he creampied her?

"Cum in me. Ohhhh fuck yessssssss." She groaned as he pumped so much into her it instantly flooded out down her tanned thighs.

Being a slut felt so fucking good...

***

THREE MONTHS LATER

"What's the matter loser?" laughed Ella as she pulled up next to Hannah on the sidewalk. "No friends to walk home with? I'd give you a lift but I'm on my way to the mall."

Of course Hannah had no friends. Ella had seen to that by bullying them all.

Since becoming a slut Ella had transformed her life and other peoples. She was now a spoiled toxic girly girl and so long as she had her magic piercing, no one could stop her. But her desire to corrupt others was now growing.

"I'm on my way to Evie's Place to buy some more piercings. I was thinking it's time to get Mom and Dad a present too. You know... I think Mom might enjoy a clit piercing. Once I get it onto her, she'll become the fake plastic neighbourhood homewrecker I know she can be. For Daddy - a cock ring and a cage. I can't wait to turn him into a simp."

Lauging, Ella threw some wrappers and trash she didn't want out of her car and into her sisters face. The shutting the door she drove on.

It was time to see what else Evie's Place had to offer...

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

(For the Crewel event)

If you could trust any of your students to watch over your dogs for at least a day, who would you pick?

It was hard to narrow it down to one student, so I provided a couple! If you’re wondering why some characters don’t appear, assume Crewel sniffed out a significant flaw (Floyd’s flippancy, Riddle’s rage and inflexibility, Ortho’s laser, Lilia’s cooking, etc.).

If he doesn’t scare you, no evil thing will.

“You’ve pose a difficult question,” Crewel groaned, running a hand through his monochromatic hair. “Given the choice, I wouldn’t entrust my dear pets to pups who have yet to earn their spots, but since you’ve put me in this situation… I would first put my Science Club mentees on the list of contenders.”

“Because you’ve watched over them and they’ve proven to you that they’re responsible?” you asked.

“Hah! If you wish to phrase it like that, then be my guest,” Crewel said with a dry scoff. “Clover is experienced in looking after others while Hunt is familiar with animals. They both have their own desirable characteristics.”

His pointer collided with an open palm in a harsh snap. You instinctively winced at the sound.

“Clover and Hunt work with me quite closely. They know better than anyone what is prepared for them, should there be a single hair on my dogs’ heads harmed: a brutal scolding! … Though perhaps it is unfair of me to look to the extracurricular I advise for these personal matters.

“For those outside of Science Club… Howl, Viper, and Schoenheit. There are other students who appear respectable or have experience with animal care. However, I fear there may be ulterior motives on their part.”

Images of NRC’s local money grubbers and brown nosers flashed in your mind. Wriggling tentacles, a smile concealing sharp and gnashing teeth, the sweep of a hyena’s tail.

“Yeah, I think I know who you’re talking about,” you said with a nervous laugh. “But hey, tell me more about why you picked Jack, Jamil, and Vil-senpai?”

“To begin with, they are all diligent, mature, and disciplined for their age. Each has their own unique strength as well.

“I’ve heard that Howl is the eldest sibling of his family. He takes his younger brother and sister out for physical activities. That would translate well into play and exercise sessions with my own dogs.

“Viper is a skilled chef. I can count on him to prepare delicious and nutritious meals. He also keeps a close eye out for his dorm leader and is health. I would appreciate that same level of vigilance for my pets.

"Finally, there is Schoenheit. He shares many of the same aesthetic sensibilities as I. I'm certain that he will have no issues with tending to grooming. Shampooing, rinsing, drying, clipping, styling, the works. Not only that, but I have confidence that Schoenheit can curb even the most unruly of mutts.”

“My pets are well-trained but feisty. Should they sense any inadequacy, they will cause trouble in an act of rebellion. I will not have to worry about that with Schoenheit. He commands attention and respect, like yours truly.”

You teetered on your tiptoes, then rocked back on the balls of your feet. “And hypothetically speaking, would you trust me with watching your dogs?”

“Is that what your question was leading up to? This?”

“Yup, pretty much. Sooo, what’s your verdict, sensei?”

Crewel scrutinized you with steely grey eyes. “Hmm, there’s potential—but you still have a long ways to go. See if you can get that Grim under control and then get back to me. That pup still owes yesterday’s homework!”

“You want me to nab him and make him turn in an overdue assignment?” you groaned. “Seems like that’s all I’ve been doing this year.”

“Then you’d best be prepared to do plenty more of it. Consider it training for the day when you may very well be asked to take on far greater responsibilities!”

[mirrorobsidian]

Having ASPD you are riddled with chronic anger and boredom.

When it comes to anger, I can become angry over something major or minor, what I have done in the past or what another has done today and this anger can last for a few minutes or weeks on end

When it comes to boredom, it can be your usual boredom when it feels there is nothing to do or it can be an intense boredom where you are with a group, all hanging out and you find yourself bored to death. This also can last either for a few minutes or weeks on end

Both are primary emotions and scenarios that plague my life on a daily basis. I'm either equated to- not being fun or a buzz killer, or equated to being a raging abuser however when another, not with ASPD or even any of the other Cluster Bs, they are met with sympathies, support, encouragement, and resources to help as I with a disorder in which I feel this anger and boredom chronically, I am left dealing with it alone and the only escape I feel and know is turning to what destroys lives- substances, gambling, brawls(mutual combat is legal where I reside), etc....

It's truly unfair others are able to just snap out of anger and boredom, receive resources and understandings

[thatfreshi]

Take This and Leave (Astarion/Gale x Reader)

Wasn't expecting this to be the sequel to "I Want To Mean It" but uhhhhhhh, here you go? Moreso a prequel I guess. Might still make more in this universe.

Recommended Song: i love you - Billie Eilish

"I cannot believe you're still going through with this."

Gale sighed, continuing to add to the cauldron.

"I mean why not? We've been going on about this for weeks, seems unfair to cancel on you now."

"I guess so."

He keeps his eyes on the bubbling mixture, something miserable lying beneath.

"I just hope you know what you're doing."

You laugh, assuming he's joking.

"Well if you mean in terms of the ambrosia, that's not really my job. But, if you means in terms of what the ambrosia will do, yeah, I know what it'll do. I want to be with him forever Gale, and I want him to know that I mean it."

"I wish you weren't so naive sometimes."

For a while, you were simply twiddling your thumbs, staring at the fancy new wizard tower Gale had procured, the books and tomes lining the walls.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It feels like you don't even think for yourself sometimes."

You're hurt. The best man of your wedding, implying that your decisions are crafted by some higher power, something you yield to.

"What, like how you were going to let yourself explode for Mystra? Seems like I'm the only one truly thinking for themselves. I had to talk you out of some grand suicide mission."

"And I never asked you to do that. Perhaps it would be best if that's how it went."

"Where is all of this coming from Gale?"

"I just don't think you know what you're getting yourself into. Eternity with a vampire, a vampire that can't keep his murderous hands to himself. He's reckless Tav, he almost killed you when you met, and you act like it's some grand romance story."

"He was scared Gale, that's hardly fair."

"We were all scared, and I never held a dagger to your throat."

He chokes up, staring back down at the cauldron.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Forget it."

It's the day before your wedding, and your best friend has just now decided to tell you that he doesn't trust your soon-to-be husband, in a tone that's awfully laced with jealousy.

"Out with it Gale."

"I'm just saying, I think it's a little foolish to fawn after a man who could decide to destroy you one of these days, kill you in your sleep for a meal."

"He slept in camp with us for months, and you never said this. If you're so scared of what he's capable of, why didn't you say something then?"

"Because damn it, he wasn't in love with you then!"

"Wow, okay. Are you being serious right now?"

"I kept it contained because I didn't want to cause a divide, but now you're throwing your mortality away for someone who manipulated you, threw himself at you for his own gain, and you still truly believe he's in love with you? This is a long con Tav, he's looking for any way to further secure himself, because even with Cazador dead, he is never going to feel safe."

You glare at him, eyes boring into his skin.

"You don't mean that Gale. He's come so far and you know that. He could've become some rancid vampire lord, and he gave that up to be a better person, to change."

"Because being a lord would've meant having enemies, having a target on his back. Cazador died, didn't he? Had you seriously never thought about this?"

"No Gale, because it's a wild accusation that makes no sense!"

He quickly steps to a nearby cabinet, grabbing a vial and a small metal spoon.

"You want the lying vampire so bad? Fine, take this and leave. He'll just have to think of better ways to get rid of you when he finds a better opportunity along the way."

Gale furiously pours the liquid into the vial, corking it and slamming it into your hand. You drink it, some power play to tell him you're not dealing with his childish antics. That artificial joy runs through your veins, only to be quickly overpowered by your rage. You're glowing from the ambrosia, but your scowl tells a different story.

"Now get out, and don't come back here, not when he leaves, not when he disappears, don't come crying to me when you realize he doesn't love you."

"No, you haven't held up your end of the bargain. I need the paper from your journal."

He scoffs angrily, scribbling down his research notes, short sentences full of spite, seemingly normal on paper. When he rips it out and shoves the paper at you, he almost pushes you over.

"Now go."

You storm out, putting the vial and the scroll in your pocket, slamming the door behind you. And then you start crying as you walk down the street, realizing how ridiculous you must look to all the strangers walking past. It's the middle of the day, and you're sobbing out in the open, hands shoved in your pockets, as if protecting yourself.

How could he say all of that? Lie about being Astarion's friend, so what? He could keep you safe? Bullshit. He's a coward, who couldn't tell you the truth until he could hurt you with it. You rush home, hoping this doesn't ruin everything, hoping you were right all along.

[cateyesinlove]

Threads of Black and Threads of Green

AO3

Masterlist

There is a playlist for the story now! Check it out in the masterlist

Hey guys starting this chapter I’ll begin to divide the story into three parts per chapter, they will consist of moments from Jace and Helena's past in the new reality, and there will also be scenes from Helaenas original timeline so as to difference them I'll be marking them as the following

Dance of the Dragon; OG timeline book/show

Threads of Green; Flashbacks from Helaenas childhood from her new reality, also other characters will be featured here since Helaena and Jace's fate lies within the actions and decisions of other characters!

Threads of Black: Helaena in her new reality!

Hope this helps and makes it less Confusing!

Dance of the Dragon

It was early morning when Ser Lyonel called for her, “Princess? the Queen is requesting your presence,”

“Of course!” she answered standing up, “Please let the queen know I shall be there in haste,” she asked Ser Lyonel ready to get changed into a more appropriate to see her sister. 

“No need my lady,” Ser Lyonel stopped her and stepped aside allowing her sister to enter the room. “She is here.”

“Sister,” Helaena muttered surprised.

“Sister.”Rhaenyra greeted with a smile as she made her way to Helaena’s table and sat down. 

“Your grace,” Ser Lyonel bowed, “I shall be outside should you require anything,” he announced and walked out. 

“Hope you aren't too full from breaking your fast.”Rhaenyra said with a gentle smile, “I have ordered some lemon cakes, I know the first moons of pregnancy can be ghastly and those cakes were the only thing I could eat in the morning.” 

Helaena froze not knowing how to react, not knowing exactly what to answer. 

“Helaena,” Rhaenyra calls for her name softly, “I promise I will do what I can to keep you and your child safe, we are blood, and there is so little of our family left,” Rhaenyra explained, tears forming in her eyes. “We must look after each other,”

“I'm sorry,” Helaena apologized as tears formed in her eyes, “I never wished for any of this,” she covered her face crying. There was so much pain everywhere she looked, every time she breathed.

Rhaenyra gave her a teary smile and held her hand, “We both have lost so much already sister” she said, “no need to apologize for something you had no control over.” she said, “ I will forever apologize for what Daemon did, I am truly sorry sister” 

Helaena appreciated the apology, she really did, she believed her sister was sorry for the loss of her child but she also knew that she had Daemon at her side, that she still loved him with all her heart and he laid at her side at night, that fact broke something in Haelana, to know the man who ordered the slaughter of her children lived well, that he was so loved by his children and Rhaenyra, she felt it unfair. 

She said nothing of this to her sister, of course, deciding to focus on the good and how her sister had been merciful to her. So she gave her sister a small smile, “Thank you, sister,” 

“There is one more thing we should discuss,” Rhaenyra readjusted sitting more regally in the chair, The dragon Queen making an appearance.

“What is it, sister?” Helaena asked.

“Your mother,” Rhaenyra said harshly, “ Alicent cannot know of his Helaena,” Rhaenyra said sternly, “There are still many who want me off my throne, many here in the castle who are loyal to your mother and the greens, they will never stop-”

“She will never stop” Helaena interrupted angrily. “ You meant to say that my mother will never stop.” she almost spits, anger filling her veins and rage filling her eyes. 

Alicent was an enigma for everyone except Helaena who knew her mother even if her mother herself could see it. Helaena had always been called the delusional one but her mother outdid her. First, she would allow ambition and hate to rule her decisions and her actions to then be eaten by guilt and remorse when those actions reciprocated with consequences, on and on the cycle would go, or how Helaena always thought of it, a boat that swayed never being able to move forward. If her mother learned of the pregnancy Helaena knew her child would be another pawn in the game, another child's life to be put at risk to discredit Rhaenyra.

A knock on the door caught their attention, a maid walked in with a tray of sweets. “Let us eat sister,” Rhaenyra smiled delightedly. “ Being upset will do you no good.” 

Helaena gave Rhaenyra a teary and kind smile as the cakes were served. 

They spend the morning eating cake, laughing, and bonding. Something that years ago Helaena would have yearned for. 

Threads of Black

Helaena looked mesmerized at all the gowns in front of her, she was surprised that there were so many, as a princess her mother thought it would be good to teach her a lesson in humbleness, as a sign of good faith towards the maiden, tho Helaena would notice her mother would have a new shiny attire every time Rhaenyra would come to court out there was an important council meeting. Then as Queen, Helaena still was requested by her mother, to stay humble and simple, she had luxury dresses she was only allowed to use on special occasions. The dress would vary from all shades of blue and reds, whites, blacks, some with dragons or sea horses and all types of golden details but there were, “No Green.” she whispered to herself, hand going to her mouth covering her smile.  

She slowly parted her hand from her face to touch one of them when she felt the presence of someone else, someone looking at her. Panic flooded her and a knot formed in her stomach, flashes of that night when the so-called Blood and Cheese murdered her baby, when that horrid man took her and threatened her with a knife to her neck, having to give up her baby boy, failed to save him.

Tears gathered in her eyes and she bravely turned around towards the entrance of the room but rather than finding the man who haunted her nightmares there at the door stood her now husband, Jace who was giving her such a beautiful smile that immediately fell off his lips as he saw her in tears. 

“Hel” he called her name and she closed her eyes finally letting the tears spill, Oh what a sweet sound her name was, her name falling off his lips. Was this truly now her life? Was she allowed to have him and keep him in her life forever?

Protective and gentle arms cradle her as she throws herself at Jacaerys, sobs ripe through her as she spills her despair and anguish, wetting her husband's shirt with her tears. 

“Hel, my daring what troubles you so much this morning?” he asked with a hushed voice but Helaena could feel the desperation behind the gentle words, her heart hurt just thinking she was hurting him, did her family so taint her that she hurt other just by existing?

They both stayed silent for a moment only the sounds of their hearts filled the room  “Jace” she whispered his name, relishing in the feeling that came from uttering it, “Mine,” she spoke, seeing what it would feel to say what she always wanted but could never have and she laid her head in his chest feeling him, 

A small chuckle broke the silence, she could feel the vibration caused by his laughter and after a moment his laughter became contagious and a small chuckle escaped her. 

“Yes Hel, I am yours, now and forever,” He whispered kissing her head gently, arms tightening around her in response she tightened the hold on him, “I know you are very freaked out by what happened last night” Jace offered, caressing her back, “But I would like to talk to you about it if it's possible.” 

Helaena nodded, and she slowly loosened her hold on him, they both separated but Jace reached for her hand and they made their way to the bed.

“What did you see last night?” Jace asked, his finger holding tight grounding her. For a moment she wondered if this Jace knew that Helaena hated the feeling of people's thumbs caressing her hand, the sensation always overwhelming her more instead of calming her. “Hel,” Jace called her again, “Why were you so scared for children.”

She swallowed and closed her eyes, “Can I see them?” 

“Why don't we spend the morning together with them?” Jace offered her a smile,” But I would like to first hear what you dreamed of Hel,”

“I don't” she began, her breathing becoming irregular and her eyes filling with tears, “ I don't know if I can speak of it Jace,” she whispered panicked. “Ever.”

Jace stared unreadable to her, she thought he might have been upset at her but he was still holding her hand. “Did someone perish Helaena?” 

She nodded, “Yes.” she whispered. 

“Who” he asked, now Helanena knew he was truly upset, his eyes were getting red and filled with tears. 

“Our baby,” she cried covering her face with her hands, “ Our babies were dead!” she screamed and finally broke, all these emotions were flooding her, grief, anger, confusion, relief and it was too much. It was too much for her, she couldn't deal with it, she didn't want to deal with it, she just wanted some piece, she just wanted to stop feeling like this.

She felt crashing against something hard, for the smell it was clear to her Jace had dragged her to him, nesting her under his chin and holding her, small drops of his tears made it to her head and that added to the hurting, was she so much like her mother that she hurt everyone she cared for?

“How Hel,” Jace sobbed, “How did this happen?” he cried.

“Men” she sobbed, “Evil men who- who took them from me” 

“How did they even reach them?” He asked desperate for answers, in agony about what could happen to his kids.

“ they- they snuck in and took me and they killed him in front of me” she cried, hands clutching Jace's clothes. “ I offered them my life, I pleaded with them to take me!” 

Helaena could feel Jace’s rage as his fist golf onto the back of her dress. “And the guards?” he asked confusion sneaking into his tone. 

“I had none,” She said, vile rising in her throat as she remembered her mother and Criston, “They left me unprotected, they left me alone and open and weak and the rats, THE RATS JACE! “ she screamed. “They took him from me”

Jace was now shaking, “How dare they leave you alone! You are the crown princess! You will be Queen one day! 

“They hold no love for me” she answered him, tone full of bitterness and disdain. 

“ What? Ser Lyonel adores you.” he said, “ I can't imagine him letting anything happen to you or our kids.”

Oh, how the gods like their games, Ser Lyonel who guarded her door treated her coldly, never talking to her unless he was informing her of a visitor, only showing her this so-called kindness at the orders of Rhaenyra yet here he was her fierce protector. 

“How can anyone adore me,” She muttered, “ I am not one of you.” 

“You,” he called for her attention cradling her face in his hands, “Are mine, my wife, my family by blood and marriage,” he kissed her lips slowly, the taste of tears made the kiss bittersweet but under that, the taste of Jace was there, the taste of love, a taste so divine she thinks she will never be able to live without

“This won't happen, I promise Helaena.” Jace pleaded, placing his forehead against hers, looking her in the eyes she could see he was trying to ease her pain, brown beautiful eyes looking at hers. “We will think of something, I won't allow them to touch our kids, to hurt you.” 

“How can you promise that?” she asks, not able to tear her eyes from him. “ How can you tell me that nothing will happen when I have seen it.” 

“We have stopped things before Hel, there is nothing you and I haven’t overcome.” He says, moving his lips to kiss her cheeks. “ We will start by having guards at night at the twin's chamber, I’ll talk to Daemon about this and we will plan something to ensure no rats enter this palace,” he promises closing his eyes and resting against her, “ and if they do manage in, I will kill every single one of the rats with my own hands.” 

Helaena could do nothing but admire her husband, the words he said echoing in her head, he will keep her safe. What did feeling safe truly feel like? 

She finally closed her eyes and decided to enjoy the peace her husband offered her, they stayed silent for a moment, enjoying the presence of the each other. 

“When can I see them?” she asks quietly, eyes still closed. 

“Soon,” he answers just as quietly as her, scared to break the silence that surrounded them. 

“Soon,” she repeats and hugs him hiding her face in his neck as he wraps his arms around her and brings her to his lap.

Threads of Green

Rhaenyra paced back and forth, haunted by what she had just seen. 

Oh, Helaena, her poor sister who she had never even thought about until now, how blind had Rhaenyra been all these years but she would make it right, she would mend what was broken and if she had to fight Alicent she would do it until she is successful. 

There is no going back from her decision, Alicent will be the last Green Queen.

@daenerys713 @ella-error505

[verystrxxwberry]

Hello Alex, I hope you're doing very well! I think your writing is incredible because you manage to convey the exact essence of the character, so I would like to ask you for an angst hc of Nevra first night since Erika entered the crystal. I'm not fluent in English so I apologize for any mistakes, have a great day and take care!

ELDARYA; the first night Erika entered the crystal

♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*•.

𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭: How did Nevra experience the first night Erika entered the crystal, sfw, angst, eldarya TO. ↝ 𝐂𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: Oh my, it’s the first time someone ever tells me that, and I am very glad you think that! I do my best to write as good as I can the character because I fear doing something weird with the character (plus they aren’t my oc so it is different: probably the way I think about them in a situation is different than the opinion of another person) but anyway! Enjoy it.

♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*•.

The first night was the hardest. Nevra arrived as quickly as possible to the crystal room, but still he arrived too late to help anyone. His best friend was lying down on the floor, his body surrounded by blood and not showing any answer at the sounds around him. Still, Nevra had the last hope of Valkyon being alive- he had to be alive. He didn’t mind getting his hands dirty by Valkyon’s blood, he shook him, tried pcr on him, he yelled at the body. But that body was empty already.

His tears came out without control, and he didn’t even mind because he was too busy trying to accept what his eyes were seeing. It had to be a nightmare. He couldn’t believe it.

Nevra turned around, gazing at Miiko, who was being attended by Eweleïn, but there were no signs of Leiftan or Erika, so he started yelling their names.

He wandered around the crystal room searching for them both, desperate and with a deep pain clawing at his heart. Even if his face was filled with tears, he had an expression of rage. His fists were clenched, prepared to punch Lance if he had the chance to find him.

But when they got told that Erika and Leiftan got trapped in the crystal, he truly hoped for it to break again. This shouldn’t be happening. He approached the crystal and hugged it, screaming if they could hear him.

Come on, the last conversation he had with Erika was to drink from her blood. She allowed him to keep the fight with energy, and he had to do something to help her too. But he couldn’t do anything.

He sobbed against the crystal like a little kid. His emotions were dominating every sense and control in his body. Nevra didn’t mind if there were people from the town watching him breakdown over that, at the end it was normal to break down after seeing the consequences of a war.

It was Ezarel who separated Nevra from the crystal and told Karenn to distract him outside. Nevra was reluctant to let go of the crystal, it stole his lover, his Erika. That place also held the last thing he would remember about his best friend, Valkyon.

All the time he remained outside the general headquarters, he spent it embracing Karenn and crying in her arms. He was desperate and his words went from “I can’t do this anymore” to “this is so unfair.” But he couldn’t change the past.

When the night came, Nevra went to the crystal room, which was still destroyed but finally empty. The silence on it was terrifying, it felt like all the color he saw around in his life was suddenly gone: everything was gray and carried the heavy weight of death. Even if his chest was heavy of remembering what just happened hours before, he decided to stay there. He sat on the floor, looking up at the crystal with the tiny hope of seeing any sign from Erika or Leiftan.

He blamed himself, thinking that he would probably have been able to stop Lance if he just came minutes before. He could have saved Valkyon. He could have saved Erika and Leiftan from being trapped in the crystal. But thinking that way… he could have saved Mery, he could have saved Ykhar as well. He could have saved so many people yet he was always late. And why was he feeling bad over Leiftan? He hated feeling sad for losing him after all the stuff he did, but he couldn’t help it. There was something about all the time he spent with Leiftan that made him miss him.

Nevra heard steps behind him but didn’t even bother to look around. If it was someone willing to stab him, he’d gratefully accept… but no. It was Ezarel who offered him a bottle of water. The elf sat beside Nevra and looked at the crystal. They shared a few words, where Nevra told him with a hoarse voice that he was terribly afraid of losing anyone else. xd

Ezarel remained silent, but he decided that it was correct to embrace his friend and stay there with him. They shared the same deep sadness and anxiety over the situation, so he also found comfort in Nevra’s presence.

They both didn’t sleep a bit through the night. Ezarel had his eyes closed, his head resting on Nevra’s shoulder, but not being able to sleep. Nevra had his eyes open all the time, staring at the crystal and visualizing how it could’ve been if he was there on time.

The next morning he had to take a nap because the headache he had was terribly painful.

The next days Nevra was off. His attention was driven into memories, into the things he experienced that day. He was closed in his own world, and the only ones he dared to open were Ezarel and Karenn.

His sleeping schedule was terrible, either he slept and had nightmares or he couldn’t sleep at all. That also came along with his eating schedule, which was also terrible as he felt nauseous most of the time. It was Karenn the one who forced him to try to eat something to at least feed his body- and it worked, because he was starving, but the anxiety made him feel nauseous constantly.

His coldness increased when he lost Ezarel. Nevra showed himself as being fine with the decision the elf took. He was an adult capable of making his own decisions after all. But he was deeply in denial about it. It was too soon for him to lose another friend. But he did, he lost Ezarel too soon for him to learn to cope with it properly.

✰; remember to reblog and like to support my content, I hope you enjoyed it!

[givemewallywestorgivemedeath]

Growing up in an extremely ultra religious, cult-like family was a mindfuck for multiple reasons but that doesn't stop unfortunately, even when you escape. For example, see: The overwhelming feeling of boiling hatred and shame for who you used to be.

The angry hatred for the past person I used to be, the version of myself that mindlessly parroted my family's beliefs and listened to their every command, constantly simmered under my skin and invaded my every thought. I was embarrassed of what I used to be- even as I made friends of different ethnicities and faiths, as I listened and explored new ideas and worlds that I never knew existed, as I started the first LGBTQ+ club at my school and volunteered with kids who deserved so much more- there was always a little voice in the back of my head.

"They would hate you if they knew what you were. They would hate the horrendous teachings that were seared into your mind, the things that you used to say and believe. You are nothing but a pretender."

And it is true that my beliefs were bigoted in all the worst ways. It is true that I believed truly heart-wrenching things without a second thought and judged others in such harsh and unfair ways. I told myself that there was no coming back from that, not really. There was nothing I could do to ever make up for it.

Then I remembered that the person who said those things wore velcro light up sneakers and collected finger puppets that the librarians handed out as awards for reading picture books. The person that held signs at pro-life rallies and anti-LGBTQ+ protests had a cherished sticker book and hunted minnows in the creek after school and adored their puffle on club penguin and was really into greek mythology and had skinned knees from climbing trees at recess and knew every Disney song by heart and was absolutely terrified of the dark.

That person was a child.

I was a child.

It took a really long time. Years and years of reflection and distance, but I've decided that I can't hate the past version of myself anymore. I feel pity and remorse, I feel anger- I feel so much fury and violent rage- at what my childhood was and I grieve what could- no, should- have been, but I no longer resent who I was.

I'm not ashamed.

I am so, so, so unbelievably proud of that little kid. For being brave enough to leave the comfort and safety of what I was told was right. For not being afraid to be wrong. For seeking out information and knowledge in a culture that praised ignorance. For questioning everything, relentlessly.

I am by no means a perfect person, I never have been and I never will, but I am proud of myself in every iteration that has ever existed because I know that I have never stopped trying to understand and learn and grow, and I never will.

If you have ever been in a similar situation and feel similar things, first of all: My condolences on your lost childhood. Second of all: Please be nice to that past version of yourself and recognize all the hard work they did to make you who you are today. That person was a survivor and an inspiration. They deserve nothing but love.

[mothwingwritings]

I'm thinking of that type of reader, sweet and naive but so morally and mentally broken after Yujiro's violence that she may not realize that her strange relationship with her father is not normal at all.

A naive reader who doesn't understand why everyone, especially her brothers, look on in confusion and horror when a huge horrible mountain of muscle kisses her in front of witnesses and maybe even touches her all over. Just for their reaction.

And Hanma brothers, who stand there just shivering, each having different obscenities in their minds about their stupid sister, but they try to behave appropriately, blowing off excited steam when left alone.

I love the way you think, anon. (´༎ຶ ͜ʖ ༎ຶ `)♡

(I apparently can’t answer asks without spitting out a small story, so I apologize. I have no idea how to shut up and this is why it takes me so long to answer lit rally anything! (ᴗ ͜ʖ ᴗ))

WARNINGS FOR INCEST/STEPCEST/UNHEALTHY FAMILY DYNAMICS PLEASE BE ADVISED!!!

You've been so sheltered your whole life, holed up in your home by your mother who lived in a constant state of fear that your father may find you. You never understood why she would chose to procreate with someone she believed was so awful, or what was even so dreadful about the man to begin with. She kept everything from you, shooting you an icy glare if you so much as uttered his name. If she hated the man so much, why were you even born? It all seemed so unfair.

Whenever you looked outside and saw a father walking hand in hand with his daughter or when you watched a tv show with a supportive and kind father figure portrayed in a loving home, you would feel a pang of jealously, be overcome with sadness. Why couldn't you have that? You spent all of your youth home schooled, constantly moving from place to place for as long as you could remember, never staying in one home for more than a year. It barred you from any normal social interaction you should be having at your age, kept you from any lasting friendships. Since an early age you felt like half of yourself is missing, and you didn’t know what to do about it.

All you really have are your brothers, both of whom you love very much, and you know love you in return. But even they have been mostly barred from you by your mother, kept away in fear that their presence may summon your father and ultimately lead to your demise. You feel stagnant, suffocated, and unable to grow-like a shell of who you should really be.

But then one day, something changes. You wake up to a man in your bedroom, imposing and dominant, leering over you with a horrible smile as soon as you wake up. It’s alarming, and you found yourself struck with an innate fear as soon as you witness him. However, you note that your mother is also in the room, hidden away in the corner. Though she refuses to look at you, her presence feels reassuring and gives you an instant clue to who this man is.

This man introduces himself as your father, and though you are still incredibly leery of this situation, the joy you feel over finally meeting him clouds your better judgement. When he asks you to follow him, you concede without much prodding.

From there your life changes drastically. You get to see much more of the world then you did under your mothers care, and while that in and of itself is quite exciting, it also fills you with a trepidation that you have never felt previously. Because of that, you usually end up clinging close to your father’s side when you are out and about, feeling much more secure when you have him around for protection.  Often this seems to cause him irritation, and you have found out quite quickly that when your father is upset nothing good will come of it. You’ve seen what happens to those on the receiving end of his fury, been on that end quite a few times yourself, and it’s the worst kind of hell you can imagine. The first time you witnessed Yujiro’s true rage was also the first time you could truly grasp your mother’s life long concern over you, and the realization hit you like a ton of bricks. This is why she had raised you the way that she did, shielding you from the monster you didn’t realize your father was.

But your new life wasn’t all bad, and there were moments when your father actually showed you kindness, treating you like true family. He’d take you out to lavish restaurants and resorts, bought you pretty clothes that you never dreamed of owning. You had access to salons, your hair and makeup done up in ways you yourself would have never had the skill to accomplish. You were no longer a child, but you had also never felt so… mature. The lovely clothes he provided you hugged you in all the right places, accentuating features of yourself you previously concealed. Thick mascara and cherry lips made you look like an almost entirely different person, someone much more alluring than you ever imagined you could be.

In certain rare instances, your father would even show you affection. The hugs and kisses weren’t how you envisioned they would be- much more intrusive, something you would expect from a lover and not a family member. But he assured you it was fine, that this was all normal, that other fathers just didn’t have the courage to truly appreciate their daughters like he did. He told you the only children he had ever had were sons, so you were special and needed to be treated as such.

He wanted everyone to see just how exceptional you were, witness how gorgeous his baby girl was. So when he paraded you around the underground arena he so often frequented, pawing at you with that devilish smirk on his lips, kissing you so deeply you felt like you were choking, you couldn’t quite understand the strange looks you got from the people around you. Sure, his heavy handed doting felt a little uncomfortable, but shouldn’t these public affections be better received? Maybe the people watching were just shy, or like your father said, not brave enough to handle this type of flagrant love.

… And maybe you could convince yourself of that for strangers, but when you caught a glimpse of your brothers during these public moments of intimacy, a pit would form in your stomach.  It was like staring into a tempest, a swirling miasma of revulsion and anger reflecting back in their piercing gaze. They had never looked at you with such disgust before, and you couldn’t help but feel as if you had done something horribly wrong.

You HATED feeling that way. The guilt was overwhelming; you couldn’t stand the thought of Baki and Jack being upset with you. You knew it had to be in part due to your closeness to Yujiro, you knew they never were big fans of the man, and their distaste only seemed to grow the stronger your bond with him became.

You felt as if your family was finally coming together, you didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize this new life. You would have to talk to Baki and Jack about it later-you were willing to do just about anything to get back in their good graces.

[sandu-zidian]

I'm having Yunmeng Shuangjie feelings I am losing it over the way these two idiots try to rationalize the decisions and emotions towards the other through duty and obligation.

Wei Wuxian attempts to rationalize the golden core transfer and his subsequent actions of secrecy and running away by trying to convince both himself and JC (and others) that he made those decisions out of duty, debt, and obligation: duty to JC, debt to Yunmeng Jiang, debt and obligation towards the Wen siblings. By doing so he hopes to mask the deep truth that his singular most important decision -- to transfer his own core to JC -- was done not out of duty, but out of love. If he admits to how love pushed him to try and fix JC, he would then have to grapple with the blatant truth that not only did the decision break the trust between himself and JC, but in fact did the opposite of fixing JC. The event only further breaks them apart. WWX refuses to acknowledge any feelings of regret he could possibly have about the golden core transfer -- either because did not understand how terrible living without a golden core could be, or because he knows that what he did to JC was agonizing -- by only accepting his actions as done by a servant for a master, as a disciple for his sect and sect leader.

Jiang Cheng also suffers from this rationalization. When WWX defects and later dies, JC attempts to reinforce his righteous anger and rage towards WWX by viewing his betrayal not as done by a close friend and brother, but as betrayal done by a sect member and first disciple. By publicly and internally deriding WWX as a traitor to Yunmeng Jiang, forgoing his duty and obligation to his sect leader and the sect that took him in, JC can delude himself into accepting the derision and gloating exalted by the rest of the cultivation world and reject the complex and often contradictory feelings of grief and loss he feels towards WWX that stem from the painful truth that WWX hurt him not because he was a trusted discple, but because he was a close confidante and an almost-brother. Such pitiful emotions are unacceptable for someone so hated as WWX. So, JC aligns his emotional turmoil with the rest of society by refusing to remember the whole truth of his relationship with WWX as not just a trusted disciple, but as a dear friend and an older brother. In doing so, JC's negative emotions are quite unfair (though in his defense it's not like JC knew the truth behind WWX's confounding actions) and also never allow JC any chance to actually come to terms with WWX's betrayal and painful downfall.

I think the best Yunmeng Shuangjie reconciliation stories are the ones where JC has to admit that his comtempt towards WWX during the 13 years that he was dead was unneccessarily unfair and allowed him no place to truly accept and grieve for the loss of his brother, and where WWX has to admit to himself the true reason for the golden core transfer and how he cannot run away from the reality of the pain such a decision caused both himself and his brother, and perhaps even admit that it wasn't really the right decision, if there even is a right decision for that scenario at all. I need JC to yell at WWX about how the whole golden core transfer just serves to prove that WWX never accepted himself as family to the Jiang siblings when JC and JYL both cared for him deeply as a brother, while WWX yells back at JC about how he could possibly dare to see JC as family when all he has done in the years since his resurrection was act as if WWX was nothing but a sect traitor and stranger not worthy of a truthful conversation.

[iamyouknow-yours]

Random collection of thoughts on the last episode + adventuring party

Okay so Stardiamond is suspicious right. But I do also feel like there's the rage thing, and also like some kind of spell happened and then he got mad. And like before that he was fairly normal. But Stardiamond was up to something according to Lola so idk.

I like Henry and I don't think my guy is up to anything. It's so lovely to see someone encouraging Gorgug and believing in him.

And the barbificer stuff!!!!!! Is so cool!!!!! I'm so proud of him.

Fig! Oh my god. Her song and then the daymare and also the dream. Fucking so cool.

I'm so so fucking mad about bobby dawn oh my god. I truly hope they get to humiliate him later. So unfair!

The last stand is fun though. And what an epic first round.

I'm ignoring my feelings that this is kinda animal cruelty.

Gertie <333 I adore her. I hope Kristen is not going to just use her.

I'm a little grossed out that they took Kipperlily's therapy file. Like that's very eughy. How would they feel if Adaine's therapy file was taken? That's super crossing a line. I wish they'd taken her file from any other teacher or the front office or something.

But anyway. Ignoring that. Why does she hate Riz so much?? I'm so curious!! And 8:01 on the first day of school?! Wild!

Riz got the Owlbears!!! He did it! So proud of him.

The exam questions are fun. I mean god I'd be so stressed in character and as a player. But as a viewer, they're fun. I'm excited for the rest of them.

[thewertsearch]

FCG: HEY PAST ME, GO HAVE A BLAST KILLING THE KING, I'M SURE IT WILL BE AWESOME. FCG: IN FACT, IT WAS AWESOME. BANG UP JOB WITH THAT, DUDE! FCG: TOO BAD IT WAS ALL A HUGE WASTE OF TIME.

Aright.

We're 500 pages deep into Hivebent. We've been introduced to each of the trolls, experienced their messed-up society, and come to understand the broad strokes of their session's dynamics.

We've seen almost everything I expected Hivebent to show us - with one exception. I could be wrong, but I think the curtain is finally starting to twitch on a very old mystery - one that needs to be explained for us to fully understand the trolls' story.

Before we can call it an Act, we need to learn what went wrong.

FCG: I AM LEARNING A VALUABLE LESSON TODAY! FCG: IT TURNS OUT YOU CAN'T ALTER THE OUTCOME OF DECISIONS MADE BY MORONS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU YELL AT THEM. FCG: ALL YOU CAN REALLY DO IS GIVE THEM A HARD TIME AND TRY TO MAKE THEIR LIVES JUST A LITTLE MORE MISERABLE. FCG: WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A MORE NOBLE PURSUIT THAN CHANGING DESTINY FOR THE BETTER ANYWAY, FRANKLY. FCG: LOSERS SHOULD BE FORCED TO FACE THE MUSIC, EVEN FOR THE MISTAKES THEY HAVEN'T MADE YET.

Karkat's putting together the ideas that will form the basis for Project Trolling - which, from his current perspective, must be very soon.

FCG: WHY DID I EVER THINK THESE MEMOS WERE GOING TO BE A GOOD IDEA. FCG: NOBODY CARES [...] FCG: NO ONE'S GOING TO READ THROUGH ALL THIS, ALL THE VALUABLE INFORMATION IS JUST GETTING LOST IN THE YELLING. FCG: YOU STUPID STUPID IDIOT.

And now, we truly understand why he did it.

Karkat lost. He thrust himself into the session, made plans, yelled, coddled, argued, dealt with Equius and Eridan and Vriska, solved the game's riddles, created himself, created his friends, died, killed, yelled some more, and did it all again - and still, he lost.

He's despondent, and he's angry. It's not the performative anger of a teenage troll - it's real, actual fury at the unfairness of the world, distorted into anger at himself. He's a feedback loop of rage, and he's sitting in the Veil, and they all might die any second, and he has no outlet.

If only he could find a real, actual target. If only there was someone to blame - someone he could really go off on.

If only there was someone who fucked everything up.

What a relief that would be!

FCG: I'VE GOT TO PULL IT TOGETHER. FCG: THINK BACK TO WHAT WE MIGHT HAVE DONE WRONG. FCG: BUT THE THING IS FCG: AS MUCH AS OUR PAST SELVES ARE A BUNCH OF STUBBORN UNLISTENING ASSHOLES FCG: I CAN'T EVEN REALLY IDENTIFY ANY MISTAKES WE MADE. FCG: IT WAS ALL PRETTY MUCH LIKE CLOCKWORK.

It absolutely fucking wasn't - but Karkat isn't in our privileged position. He couldn't see the cracks start to form.

One Player died before the session even started, murdered by a pawn controlled by a pawn.

One Player's land is glitched, corrupted through unknown means, with unknown consequences.

One Player has prototyped a Horrorterror, permanently imbuing the session with the traits of an eldritch monstrosity.

These are all huge red flags.

So why do I think the most ominous flag of all is a white one?

[chainofclovers]

(apparently i will never stop having) ted lasso s3 thoughts

It was such an interesting and weird experience to mostly really like TL s3 because it kind of felt like agreeing to go on a vacation with a large group of people and at the end I was like "well there were some ups and downs but that was a good time and I'm going to put together a scrapbook of this special vacation that broke my heart in ways I kind of appreciated" and then many fellow travelers were like "I can't believe I was stupid enough to get tricked to go on this shitty vacation and that we're all having such a bad time." And also it was like that at every checkpoint throughout the travels. I obviously wasn't alone in loving plenty of things about the season; I feel lucky that there are people who feel similarly enough to me that it wasn't totally lonely, and also of course it doesn't truly matter that everyone has different opinions about the same thing. I don't need a bunch of identical opinions to feel like I've earned the right to my own. It's more that there were multiple points where I was genuinely questioning whether my brain was just working totally differently in a way I should actually explore more because of how I felt about the intentions/intentionality and execution behind certain things on the show. Things that if I'd been watching sans fandom experience but with a similar level of obsession, I think I'd have been pretty unphased by and peaceful with. And it made me genuinely sad to feel like so many people I care about were having such a bad time with something that I, for whatever reason, was just having a mostly good time with in ways that I wish I could have transferred over.

Also, I'm clearly still trying to figure out how I feel because I did have an extremely emotional reaction to the show ending, more akin to something deeply earth-shattering happening in my own actual 3d life. There was a 72-ish hour period in which I cried more than I had in probably a year or two combined before that. I cried in the bathroom at a baseball game because baseball >>> sports >>> Ted. I cried about things I wanted to see on my screen that I did not get to see. I cried about the absolute unfairness of a human being only being able to exist in one physical space at a time. I cried about having a community that was centered around a shared interest and the sheer stress that goes into that. All through the summer and even now, although I am no longer crying about Ted per se, I feel like my ability to cry is way more close to the surface than it used to be.

So it's not that I had some kind of super simple reaction to the show that just made me willing to bop along to everything, even if some of my crying was just about mourning the end of something and appreciating it. There are definitely things I'd change if I'd been involved, including:

Zava's presence would have been a far more short-lived dalliance with the team that would allow them to do the same exact stuff in terms of Zava's recruitment allowing the show to more explicitly discuss Rupert's manipulation of both Rebecca and Nate (I loved that Zava initially felt like a device that would allow Rebecca to make those observations with full awareness that this is what was happening to Nate, and I thought her backstory coupled with Nate's scenes with Rupert were super well done)...but it would not have dragged into so many other episodes (and this would have freed up time for one of the main things I felt was missing, which was a more explicit discussion of the legacy of coaching, which Ted and Roy [and also Beard and Trent via the book and eventually Nate] all needed more room to discuss)

Shandy's role in KJPR would have been more explicitly about mentorship and its limitations and would have afforded Keeley more onscreen contemplation time

Instead of backtracking into raging out with jealousy over Keeley in the final episode, Jamie and Roy would have had their fight sooner in the season and would've spent the finale navigating the ambiguities of simply not knowing what was going to happen with all their relationships (which is what we basically get in the montage, and I believe those characters would get there, but even as a non-linear progress enthusiast I found their final scenes together annoying after having really loved most of their scenes together throughout the entire series...I have no trouble believing that Roy and Keeley would likely reunite in the future, or that they might really pull off the throuple, and I didn't personally need to see that happen on my screen, but I did want a more concretely sunk in growth moment for Roy)

One (1) fewer ambiguous facial expression from Michelle Keller, please, mostly because of how much I've hated talking about it

Ted and Roy would have gotten a goodbye(-for-now) that alluded to their overlapping traumas and things they had observed about each other and appreciated in each other

BUT. In general, I felt like the characters were never unrecognizable (including Ted in 3x12, who was not emotionless and dead inside and cruel and would not need to grovel if/when he returns to the UK and I will totally die on that hill), and the various missed opportunities and unfinished business and open-ended trailings off into the future did nothing to ruin the perfect beauty of s1 (which will always be soooo special and great) or the (often more clunky than s3 in my opinion) complications of s2 (which I did love in its way).

I think I'm just basically at my core someone whose favorite show is this one? So I'd rather, when my brain presents the options, take the more generous interpretation of certain things in a way that allows me to engage more fully than I would otherwise, if disappointment was ruling my viewing experience. And I think a kitchen metaphor is the only way I can make sense of this whole experience and why I'm kinda here for it and find post-canon a compelling place to explore.

I think of a cook performing mise en place to get a dish ready to cook. Or a baker getting all their ingredients out on the counter so they can more easily assemble the cookies or whatever. But if you're making more than one thing, which I think Ted Lasso the show was doing (and your mileage may vary on how well that went), you've got your assembled thing in the oven and then you're also doing prep for the next thing and you're loading the dishes in the sink from the old thing and it's kind of a constant state of prep and action and clean-up. And agree with it or not, s3 ends when pretty much every character has a messy kitchen. I absolutely include Ted in this. The montage at the end feels like Ted's attempt to neaten up the kitchens of every person he knows so that he can survive making his choice to take a long physical break from actually being in those kitchens. (Linked post describes how I feel about that scene, which I do think was reality rather than a dream, but highly filtered through one person's consciousness.)

(((Whispers: and the thing that mystifies me the most about fan reactions--other than the literal threats of violence against creators--is the whole "I guess Ted and Rebecca didn't have any meaningful connection after all and the parallels were just accidents or cruel jokes" thing...which is not something I have really read or seen online much recently at all if you're wondering. Because their parallel journeys matter so much! And the main way I can make sense of it all is by feeling like they did have all the ingredients out for the meal that would allow them to have gotten together during the 3 season arc, and because of Ted's very necessary choice they could not do that, and that doesn't mean the ingredients and their particular arrangement are meaningless even if hurts. That is genuinely what I see. And I completely understand why the missed opportunities or lack of acknowledgment of certain parallels is frustrating, but what i don't understand is the belief that the things we actually did get shouldn't have even been there if they weren't gonna kiss. I feel similarly about where Ted and Beard end up, actually, but that may be a post for another time [or the inside of my brain only] because I'm already very self-conscious about how long this is. The "Jason I am in your walls what was the reason for any of this" stuff just makes me feel so. Incredibly. Tired. The reasons were in the show!)))

Ted Lasso's finale attempted to put one last dish in the oven and bake it and bring it out, but just behind the outstretched arms with the neatly presented dish is a kitchen (a whole ensemble's worth of kitchens) in absolute disarray, no matter how much good stuff the characters have learned about mise en place and being a loving person and all that. Because the dishes literally never stop when you're a person, and neither does the hunger. I am not necessarily interested in analyzing how other shows whose endings I've loved or hated handle their character's figurative kitchens, but I do think that the way this show handled it is a big reason why the finale (and whole final season) was so divisive. I would love to remain as happily obsessed with it as I am while figuring out how to feel less intense feelings about how much some of the communal elements of it stress me out! I am an adult! I get how opinions work! I just have lots of feelings, I guess. :/

[poopyballz28]

(my) Kiyosumi Katou Character Analysis

This one's a long one so strap in, gang. The alt text on the images gives more context to what I'm talking about too, by the way 👍

starting off with,

Personality

I think it's pretty evident that Kiyosumi is not the...nicest or most caring person out there. He's shown to hurt (or attempt to hurt) others with no second-thought or remorse for his actions, indirectly showing his overall arrogance and unsympathetic behavior. I can't even show a fraction of him having outbursts of anger or something of the like because of how often it happens.

But we can't talk about Kiyosumi if we don't mention his cocky attitude and humorous nature. He's shown multiple times giving smug smiles and doing a little bit of teasing throughout his few shown spars. It can be pretty heavily deducted from an outsiders perspective that he's awfully confident in himself and his abilities. Though, whether he truly is can be debated.

What can be clearly deduced from most everything is his general self-centered nature, going out of his way just to do things the way he wants to do them. He even leaves the dojo to go join the yakuza for the sole purpose he can hurt others without any repercussions. Because in his mind, the one who matters most is himself. What can also be heavily deduced is his status on body count. I'm basically saying he's most likely killed a few people, especially during his time in the yakuza.

Another thing which is also pretty evident is his almost sadistic way of fighting others. He really enjoys sparring, or more precisely, hurting other people in a way that makes him feel good about himself. We can determine that he really likes to be above an opponent, to have power over an opponent. Perhaps being superior helps him forget how inferior he truly believes himself to be. Though, this'll be expanded on soon.

A small thing that I personally find out of character for him in some character writings is making him more social and outgoing than I believe he truly is. He can be outgoing, yes, but if you combine all of his clear hatred and arrogant nature it's pretty easy to deduct that he is quite an antisocial person, being quite unfamiliar with proper interactions with other people. As is expected from somebody who indulges in all of the heinous things that he partakes in. But I feel it's also out of character if all of his goofiness is overshadowed as well. He is humorous, and it's not unfair to say that he's also probably a prankster as well. There's a perfect balance in his character which isn't always perfected by people, not even by me all the time.

Another thing I think is worth noting is how easy it is to set him off with...just about anything. Like during his fight with Yasha jr when Tokugawa brings up the fact that Baki had defeated Yasha's very father, he was quickly overcome with rage and jealousy before immediately making countless attack on the giant animal. He's easy to manipulate by controlling his anger and likely his insecurity too.

Overall, Kiyosumi is an arrogant, sadistic prick who enjoys hurting other people and getting his way with a cocky smirk painted on his face. Being an awfully antisocial person in nature and perhaps a bit awkward and inappropriate in certain situations because of his lack of normal human interaction, he fights on to reach the top perilously. Though he's not completely ruthless and hateful, even if thats what it may seem like.

Kindness and relationship with Doppo

Decided to combine these two thoughts because his sparse kindness is usually directly related to his feelings on Doppo. Some of his few moments of caring are to him in particular.

While he doesn't show much kindness in comparison to his violent outbursts, he does have some little moments that shows he's not completely out of touch with being caring and having softer emotions.

You've seen it here first, folks. Kiyosumi just admitted to caring about somebody. This is honestly kind of groundbreaking for him. But the fact he's willing to admit this so easily shows how dedicated he truly is to his father. I mean Sensei. Sensei is what I meant to say.

Doppo is very obviously a big part of Kiyosumi's character, most of his vulnerable emotions stemming from Doppo particularly. It's pretty clear that Kiyosumi and Doppo have a long history together, canonically having known each other for probably 5~6 years, but I'd say most likely more. (though there is a space in between when Kiyosumi ditched the dojo for the yakuza) While Doppo most definitely gave Kiyosumi the most shit and teased him a bunch, it can still be fairly deducted that he likely trained and taught Kiyosumi with compassion, something we know he isn't very familiar with. This caring from another person mixed with the fact Doppo was almost like a father to him (perhaps the father he never had?) had opened up some more delicate feelings for Kiyosumi. Or at least, thats what I assume of course.

I also really enjoy the scene in Tokugawa's home before Kiyosumi's fight with Dorian. He walks in so rebelliously, using his own hand crafted weapon to slice Dorians ear off, even though...he can basically already do something like that with his hand. I like to think this is his way of trying to disconnect from Doppo and the Shinshinkai "way". He knows that he cares about Doppo the most out of anyone, and the fact that he does know this tells me he's trying to, almost, get rid of that vulnerability and that emotion. He knows he cares, but he also knows that he shouldn't care about anyone but himself. He may have tried to show out to Doppo then, demonstrating that he can do things his own way and succeed, but no matter what, he'll always desire his true approval. Because he does care.

Of course, I can't forget the scene where Kiyosumi does a myriad of seiken's with Atsushi is order to motivate Katsumi during his fight with Kaoru. Though, this can either be taken as caring for Katsumi or just generally caring about the victory and success of his father- of his Sensei's karate school. While its hard to say, if I were to think about it most canonically up to this point in his character, it'd probably be the latter. Since by that point, him and Katsumi were only acquainted at best, Kiyosumi even showing a little hint of hate or jealousy towards him in one part. Though, I will say Kiyosumi has shown jealousy to someone before while still liking the person in question. This is true with Baki.

Speaking of Baki, he is one of the only other people Kiyosumi is shown to care at least a little bit about. During some of Baki's fights in early manga, there are some panels of him showing genuine concern for the boy. Not to mention his expression when Baki won the maximum tournament. While this is really surprising, I think there might be some kind of deeper reason he likes seeing Baki succeed. Perhaps, he sees part of himself in Baki. Maybe feeling as if Baki were the more powerful and open-minded teenage version of himself, the version of him that didn't walk such a dark, incriminating path. Or perhaps relating to his struggle with his father and sympathizing with his, quite sad, backstory. That would make some sense considering how close he is with Doppo, almost seeing him as a father. Maybe all of this alludes to the fact that Kiyosumi may have also struggled during his upbringing and childhood. Though, this is just speculation, why he really cares about Baki on the occasion is hard to pinpoint exactly. But if I were to put a good guess on it, it's probably because of what I aforementioned.

Forgot to mention that he basically indirectly calls him his parent after they sparred and Kiyosumi went for his eye. This is beautiful stuff. Fictional father and son relationship fans, rise.

His character depth and fight with Dorian

Remember when I mentioned that whether Kiyosumi is really confident in himself is debatable? Well I'm back to expand on that idea. I've always kind of headcanon'd him to be secretly very insecure of himself, putting up a wall of fake confidence or some kind of facade to hide his hidden insecurity from others. Though this was originally speculation and headcanon, I'm pretty confident in saying that this is probably a very realistic and canonical thing to consider when talking about his character.

I think this image kind of tells me that my suspicions of his fear and falters are correct. While it is small, I think this is Itagaki's way of giving him that eensey weensey little bit of depth.

His tough attitude and huge built up wall keep others from knowing that he is fearful, that he is frankly pretty vulnerable. If this was ever pointed out to him, he would most likely, you guessed it, get angry immediately and probably attack. His rage controls him constantly, so much that even he may start to notice as well.

Kiyosumi knows he's not the strongest out there, though he definitely desires to be. Looking down on others has always been the thing that made him feel better about all of the stressors and the shit he puts himself through. But he does realize he's not the best. He absolutely hates thinking about it though.

It's not unfair to say Kiyosumi thinks quite low of himself and abilities. But I think that's what makes the Shinshinkai working to avenge him that much more beautiful. This guy who truly believes nobody cares about him gets hurt by someone severely, almost at the edge of death (something he was quite content with) But the whole entire Shinshinkai was out looking for this man who caused him harm. No matter what trouble Kiyosumi gets himself into, his dad- HIS SENSEI...will always be there for him. Doppo was the one who ended up avenging Kiyosumi anyway, instead of the other way around. Even bringing him out for the final blow. Quite nice.

Speaking of that fiasco, lets move onto his infamous battle with Dorian Kaioh. I love some of the little implications in this fight that alludes to small traits in his character. His empty eyes after taking several blows mid-fight really speaks to me. It's even hard for me to put into words exactly how he's feeling during that fight, but it's pretty clear he's determined to bag a victory at any cost despite his rather somber state during the spar mid-way. I think it's also pretty funny how quickly he went from calm to blood-thirsty again so quickly. Maybe he really never does change. It's fair to say that Kiyosumi probably chose to fight Dorian due to what he did to Doppo, not only wanting to "avenge" him but also wanting to gain his approval, something which he heavily desires. Underestimating Dorian's strength and stealthily sneaking in his hideout, he jumps right into battle. (Very like him, I know.)

Of course, we all know the unfortunate outcome of the fight. But I'd like to point out some of the quite peaceful looks on his face during it. Even Kiyosumi admits that maybe amidst all of the pain and all of the shit, this is really what he's been looking for all along. What this means exactly can vary depending on how you see it, but I like to think this is almost Itagaki's way to give him an actual character arc. Even though we know...that didn't really happen (Which is really fucking funny don't get me wrong. Another part of the Kiyosumi curse) but I appreciate it nonetheless, thank you Itagaki-Sensei.

A little update here, I almost forgot to mention how sad it is that he recognizes that his only worth lies in his fighting. This, of course, is not true, but he's so caught up with fighting and martial arts he cant find any other part of him that he deems "good enough". He says the only thing he could ever find praise for was his fighting ability, but think about how he feels after engaging in battle and being overpowered and beaten. That's essentially all of his self worth down the drain. I think this is part of the reason he donned that expression at the end of the battle. He doubted his abilities and he lost horribly. What other means of living does he have at that point? He makes the statement that karate is simply a tool to him, but accumulates all of his self worth into his fighting. But I think during the fight where he basically says karate is all he has but then proceeding to say all it is to him is a tool is him trying to cope with the fact that he can't find pride in anything else about himself. Him telling himself, perhaps reminding himself, that karate is just a tool to him very clearly upped this fighting ability. That Kiyosumi confidence showed back up again, all because he was trying to convince himself he's more than his karate. Too bad his desire to win was taken advantage of so quickly, right as he was making a realization.

Kiyosumi's peaceful look and very very slight smile as he passes out at the end of the fight is really telling. He fought as hard as he could for a victory but he fell short. Just as he always knew he would eventually. Of course, he felt bad he couldn't please his Sensei, but his look tells us that he gained something that he's been looking for. A defeat. But not just any normal defeat. A death. It seems Dorian wasn't the only one who was seeking to know defeat in that battle.

Kiyosumi subconsciously desired a defeat which was completely unavoidable. A defeat that he couldn't make excuses about. A cut and dry loss where it ends with his inevitable demise. Almost like an escape from all of the problems. This, is what I think he was looking for.

But he lived! We all know that. Very happy for him. I guess. A little thing I would like to point out thats probably just something I want to have depth is the unexpected light in his eyes here, as he's indirectly apologizing to Doppo. His expression has been so hateful and bleak this whole time and the one moment he thinks he's about to finally die, he thinks about his dad with a slight smile and a light in his eyes. Pretty sad.

He tried so hard to retain at least a little bit of confidence in himself only for him to come to the pitiful conclusion that things wont change. His self worth is solely his fighting, and he'll die that way.

Headcanons and littler things

Thought I should add a section just for little things I think about his character, like how much I think he may struggle with substance addiction. Particularly with alcohol, it helps him forget that he's sad or even insecure at all. I think it's pretty fair to assume that he's an awfully messy person, so I imagine his apartment is trashed with empty beer cans and trash that was never picked up.

I wanted to make a stand-alone post on this but I thought I should just bring it up now. Kiyosumi not showing up to Katsumi's fight with Pickle is somehow the funniest but also most canon thing Itagaki could have possibly accidentally done. Like where is he? Probably sleeping in after a tough hangover, huh? No big surprise. Just really goofy to think about where he could possibly be during all of that.

Kiyosumi going back to the yakuza after his fight with Dorian (which can be easily assumed based on his clothing afterward) is really, not only funny to me, but also a bit saddening. I love knowing he's a yakuza and I also love knowing he's just generally a bad guy but the fact he so quickly goes back to the yakuza really shows that no matter what, he never truly changes. But that's the Kiyosumi curse. Character with tons of potential that has absolutely nothing else done with them in the story. While it's kind of messed up to not really continue on with his "arc", I still see it as cool character writing even though I doubt Itagaki drew and wrote that in for exactly the reason I'm describing it.

Kiyosumi's pure unadulterated rage is the most amazing thing to me. Nobody mentions the fact that completely UNCONSCIOUS, he got up with pure fighting spirit alive and well, just to land a blow on Dorian. When I said his rage controls him I was not lying.

Afterword

Well, that about concludes my character study of everything about him thats at least canonically shown, with of course, a few of my thoughts and idea's sprinkled in there. There are admittedly a few things I didn't include, that were either really minuscule or would've made the post even longer than it already is. But I hope my analysis can help others understand his character and motivations a little better, since I know not many people care about his character or are willing to really look in depth about him. Luckily, I'm just obsessed with him enough to know him almost like the back and front of my hand. Of course, if there's anything you think means something different, thats great! That's the joy of character understanding and comprehension. If you have any thoughts make sure to comment them down below, I'd love to see.

Number one Kiyosumi fanboy, logging off.