#truly this was all in gods plan
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"Have to come up with three extra names" If you'd like, a trick I learned to do is to google stuff like "Insert characteristic names" and browse a few of the baby name websites for moms that pop up. Might seem a bit strange, but some of them actually offer pretty cool names, and details like origin and typical gender association if that matters to you. Some of the ones I've gotten include things like Sinasta, Dearil, Darion, and Zein.
oh im neck deep in the baby name forums as we speak LOL i think i just make it extra hard for myself because I exclusively go off of pure vibes and how the name sounds. like it'd be nice if the meaning also matched up but i honestly, and this may be a sacrilegious statement, kind of don't care LOL luckily i think ive been able to narrow it down for the other mysterious elf men for now...
what's funny is that I picked Killian's name mostly cause i liked how it sounded and thought it suited him. turns out ⁉️⁉️⁉️
i just thought the L's and the -ian ending sound made the name sound soft and elegant, but the 'K' adds kind of a surprising abrasive touch than if it was spelt “Cillian”. this was a complete surprise and probably one of few times it'll ever happen again lmao
#ask#impulsive-gay-everything#i also want to confess that this name mightve been on my mind because of a certain movie that starts with an o and ends with -ppenheimer#truly this was all in gods plan#as for the other elves....hmm#for some reason im gravitating very much towards russian / gaelic names
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having svsss au ideas beyond my station
thinking. shang qinghua goes on a mission as a young disciple to some town in fuckoff nowhere and finds himself in the qiu household. and there he finds a young shen jiu, undergoing the plot he originally intended for him and hadn't realised had become real and he's so young oh god hes so young why is he so small what do you mean that part was real, he hadn't kept it why is it real—
and he panics and sneaks him the Fuck out of that house
and he's not sure what to do but surely sending him to cang qiong will fuck up something in the plot and he can't come under even more investigation and cang qiong tryouts dont happen for months anyway and his system would probably never allow it (it doesnt. it would interfere with yue qingyuans story) but shen jiu is refusing to stay anywhere near this place and wants to learn cultivating to protect himself make sure nothing like this ever happens again and sqh panics harder and
calls mobei jun.
okay. on second thought, maybe this was a bad idea. but he stumbles over himself and shushes baby shen jiu's very understandable freaking out and asks his king for the first thing hes ever asked for other than his own life.
is there any way this human child could learn cultivation in the demon world?
#svsss#shang qinghua#shen jiu#listen. i. okay. listen#first off. i need shang qinghua to just fucking spitball a lesson plan idea thats never even been heard of before in like 5 seconds flat and#absolutely floor mobei jun#i need this to turn partially into shen jiu freaking out over the courting hits and inadvertedly teach mobei jun about human culture#idk. they go to a brothel together#mbj is being dragged along by like a 10 year old visibly shrinking into his coat but imperiously demanding the most expensive courtesan that#fits into their budget so she can spend an hour informing this idiot that no#slapping your boyfriend is stupid and hurtful and also stupid in human culture and he would get arrested#unrelated tk that. sqh still being a spy for mbj in cang qiong and getting a mission years later to instate sqq/sj as the qing jing peak lor#d#poor guy is so so fucked#sj becoming mbjs assassin. hear me out#a human most trusted advisor slash spy and a human assassin truly mbj is making bank#sj is also sqh's assassin lowkey. man who is intensely furious and learned how to channel all that into productive murder instead of. well#how does this fit with lbh? with sy? with fucking oh god YUE QINGYUAN??? well we'll find out!
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I think that the party's communication issues can be summed up as "man, is it awkward to tell someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with them if you've only know them for a few months? Probably."
#isat#isat spoilers#in stars and time#listen they will kill for each other but also its such a short time???? like??? thats part of the tragedy tbh#like!!! yeah theyll go back to their previous lives bc who in their right minds throw out everything they were doing before for people youv#only known for a few months and it turns out all of them do bc theyre insane for each other but!!!! like!!!! thats still a big ask!!!!!#yeah lets throw out everything we've ever know to be together lets fucking go and then they do in the end!!!! but!!!#thats because theyre all are ride or die to the extreme for each other!!!!!! far more than siffrin thinks anyone will ever be for him!!!!#anyway I have a lot of feelings about the party and just how bonkers (affectionate) they are#yeah no siffrin I too would not expect people to put aside their previous lives especially if its clear they have other plans#'yeah im gonna invite myself over to your house to live here lol' yeah no I would not assume that!!!!!!!#the issue is more that issue doesnt communicate what he really wants because if they do and his family says no then... being together truly#will end so he doesnt ask so they never will get a no so it never has to end (and has his reason to keep going)#this is turning into an essay in the tags but like. God its a wild set of circumstances so#tbh Siffrin not thinking the party wants to travel together is not wild to me neither is family not communicating#them wanting to be together ALL OF THEM wanting it is... unbelivable in these circumstances#but they do bc theyre all insane and ride or die but the extent of which is a mystery to all of them#anyway thats my essay in the tags#just read the no loops fic where the adults minus siffrin all offer to bring bonnie to bambouche and had FEELINGS about it#my posts
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Curly had two days to act and Swansea had two months.
I think it’s just interesting that every defense of Swansea not immediately acting are the same ones that are argued against for Curly. “He didn’t want to alert Daisuke or makes things worse for Anya either Jimmy!” I mean people also assume that about Curly and the crew. “He has to think about his plan of action and a right moment!” Again so did Curly, power and authority aside, he still would have to think of what he had to do. “He makes sure he doesn’t have to be around Jimmy!” So did Curly and they only do this to an extent, both give Jimmy more than a few opening to keep harassing Anya.
This isn’t defense of Curly nor a damnation of Swansea. Their actions are very parallel to each others in tragic and sour ways when it comes to how they approached helping Anya. In the grand scheme of it all they both did the same thing: Nothing. No action either took stopped the inevitable outcome of her death nor Jimmy’s continued damage to themself.
The only real difference is Swansea didn’t like Jimmy which is pretty substantial, but also just as damning as Curly knowing how bad Jimmy could get to an extent. He had even less of a reason to wait, even more of a reason to act seeing as he was now worried for Anya AND Daisuke. He is not bound by the possible procedure as Captain and actively does not care about what happens next. So what does it matter if he acted in the moment? Why did he wait? I think he’s just as morally complex and grey as Curly and we hold him on a pedestal that still perpetuates things in rape culture the game critiques.
It’s not just enough to dislike and be abrasive to predators/abusers like Jimmy. It’s not enough to just put yourself between them and the other person. It’s not enough to hold tensions when you know someone is vulnerable. He and Curly do the exact same things but on different sides of the coin. I ask how is it better to not turn a blind eye but still not really do anything about what you are seeing? Not until it affects you atleast…
The game makes a big point to not put men doing the bare minimum or who wait to do more on pedestals and I’m actually surprised so many are missing that point.
#like I’m sorry two months? he couldn’t have explained it at all to Daisuke?#he’s no better than Curly and it’s likely Anya found comfort in the fact that Jimmy would at least avoid being around Swansea#tho everything he went off to drink or passed out she would be acutely reminded that things are still taking precedent in his head#she is not his top concern nor is seeking justice for her like he is admittedly more concerned about Daisuke he doesn’t mention her#outside of the fact that they were def talking about what Jimmy did and likely the fact he might’ve crashed the ship but pls don’t mistake#his final acts as being majority for Anya. the game keeps showing how these men keep prioritizing things over her even when they say they#won’t and it’s sad it’s so sad that we keep trying to say but what about him like they all do it#it’s not intentional but that’s what’s also bad about it like I doubt she made a suicide plan with him two months in advance#these characters are acting to get out of this and she knows her ending is not happy if she leaves or not she’s taking that choice to do it#and hell Swansea might not have known by the way he speaks to Daisuke and Jimmy that that was her plan to khs#likely either to just keep her and Curly locked in med bay until they got rescued or died#but it’s all speculation and thinking and I can only implore people to think why are you giving Swansea more credit?#cause I see him bittersweetly so used to the negatives he cares not for futile efforts#two months vs two days and each time nothing was really done for her other than prolonging her suffering around Jimmy#Swansea slept outside utility was drunk most of the time and it’s clear Jimmy was able to have access to Anya whenever#I mean look at the teaser where they sit at the table he is far from her with Daisuke#like it’s just frustration at this point thinking any guy on that ship was doing good by Anya specifically and not for their own reasons#like at least Curly was direct on the issue he still did mostly Jack shit but Swansea doesn’t even let Jimmy know he knows#and that’s another issue in rape culture of men avoiding calling other men what they are even if they hate them like#the game plays with the idea of knowing vs acknowledging and neither truly acknowledge it as a part of their actions#against Jimmy and god no one did better than Anya for Anya. they just weren’t heinous like Jimmy#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#curly mouthwashing#captain curly#swansea mouthwashing#anya mouthwashing#nurse anya#it’s not all men but all men can and do play a part especially in the extreme scenario mouthwashing deposits
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#Been feeling pulled in a bit too many directions at once lately weghhh… I’m curious what ppl are following me for#Also a csm makima analysis and a Little Nightmares 2 analysis#Rn my plan is marcille dress bc i need to have it done for marcille chil arc analysis and by god i need to get that one done#Everything is like. More or less outlined and written out with all these tho so it’s truly mostly polish that i need to do ughhh#Which is the worst#Oh i ran out of options but i should have added web weavings too those are neat#Maybe lycion analysis eventually hehe. As for rarepairs my priorities are prob toshimari farinsha and cithaios rn.#But w cithaios i need to finish the cithis analysis first so see my problem. Oh also namari analysis eventually#I know i don’t only have followers for the dunmeshi stuff but also. Cmon. Who are we kidding GVDGDG… But yes yes I’ve been having csm feels#Blog polls
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everyone sleeping? perfect. time to put some secret soft scenes between aruna and astarion on the dashboard.
#the moon will sing#astarion#astarion ancunin#i just love the thought of a soft astarion#i love digging into what his brain was like in that time between him realizing his plan fell apart and him confessing#all the fear he’d feel in feeling truly safe with someone for the first time in over 200 years#the genuine confusion he’d have to sort through#questioning why he wants to take these two hands bred to bring misery and lay them upon someone softly#questioning his entire world view when someone flips it on its head#the impulse to love and the instinct to kill as sleep token once said#astarion x tav#astarion’s love would be the purest devotion#he doesn’t worship frivolous gods — he’d worship *you*#the gods never answered him or saved him#but *you* did#anyways#goodnight#(this isn’t from the story’s main timeline)
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i often forget i follow dakidavekat on twt, so when im scrolling its always a suprise when i get hit in the eyeballs with some of the most disturbing and/or gross shit imaginable. keeps me on my toes
#and then therell be like a normal drawing just your average ship art of davekat#ill think oh cute and then ill see who posted it and break out into cold sweat#because oh my fucking god what are they planning to post next its gonna be vile#i say all that with love obviously. the cosmic horror levels they achieve with the fanart are truly something#davekat#kartat vantas#dave strider#homestuck
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I have learnt things about Geto that I wish I could unlearn
#I think I'm getting about the same amount of spoilers as a few weeks ago except now I understand them#But like. I expected so much of him#Seeing gifs of that one scene in which Gojo gets distracted because of Geto almost made me watch this a year ago#Geto was actually my favourite character in that one JJK fanfic I read that I mention so often even if he had literally one scene#I know so much of the emotional turmoil and conflict in JJK and Gojo in particular depends on him#And you're telling me he's Thanos?#I learnt a few days ago that everything pretty much happens in one year. That there's one year between Geto's death and Gojo's#I thought it would be like ten years. Ten years of the act haunting him#But no? So it's not a broken teenager who has these ideas and is killed by another teenager to stop him?#It's a what? ~30yo man saying Light levels of stupidity? Even worse perhaps?#Goodness I hope this is not so. I hope this is better written than what I am seeing#Because goddammit I can't do it. It would kinda ruin every emotional scene from then on?#That one scene I was so looking forwards about patting Gojo's back or whatever. The one in which Gojo gets distracted. It just. I don't know#I won't be able to be moved if Geto doesn't work xD#I was fearing I wasn't going to like him a lot because my expectations were big but oh my god please not like this#This is way worse than I expected. Someone tell me he actually makes sense. What's the point of this whole political play#in which no one is fully wrong and no one is totally right otherwise? What is the point of the haunting. This feels just idiotic xD#And I don't care about the traumas and all that. That works for the teen not the ~30yo man#It would have worked if Gojo would have killed him like 1-2 years after everything not like a few months ago. Last winter#After like ten years a 30yo man should have realised this plan sucks.#Even if it's utilitarian. Who is going to make clothes? Buildings? Streets and railways? Bread??? Go have a talk with Nanami please#We have been told there are not a lot of jujutsu sorcerers. How are you going to fulfill all those needs out of nothing?#And even if it were little by little so the needs could be getting fulfilled little by little too#If you decimate humans won't that cause more curses? I guess he's thinking on the long run but still this plan seems like a mess#I hope it makes more sense than it's looking it will make because of my god this would truly be the last nail on the coffin xD#I am being more and more tempted to get to Utahime and then just drop this. This is breaking my heart xD#It could be soooo good and it always almost is#And then. AND THEN. Abfksbfndbfkan#Jen pick me up. Come solve this. I am scared xD#I talk too much
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I've been trying to figure out a dynamic between neve and rye that I find more compelling, because right now there's not much of anything there for me to sink my little teeth into. but I think I've landed on something delicious with the idea that especially after minrathous gets fucked, rye looks at neve and sees myrna -- someone he feels he keeps letting down horribly no matter how hard he tries not to and can't quite achieve the approval of/connection with that he wishes so it's better to just pull away completely and disengage rather than stay in that unshifting shame. neve is (very understandably) measured and distant with him after what happened, and he's flashing back to his student days of myrna gazing at the perpetually hungover heartbroken heap of a person of him on the other side of her desk every time he missed the deadline of a paper or project like '...can we at least both agree that this is. a bit disappointing. especially considering your potential.' (and him all smudged black eyeshadow and numb ruefulness being like 'sure that's a very kind way to put it myrna thank you'.)
aside from the 'if I let him get too deeply into this he'll go the way of brom and it'll be all my fault (again)' element, neve thinks rye is dismissing her and her city/being a bit callous in the same way he was after varric's death (listen. how fucking wild must rook's reaction to losing a beloved mentor seem to the rest of the crew who aren't seeing the blood magic paper doll ghost varric the whole time, especially those who got to see them interact. you WOULD think 'there's something wrong with this guy. putting the job first is one thing just not seeming to react at all is another this is fucking freaky', wouldn't you, especially after seeing the warmth in that dynamic in action beforehand.) perfect storm of two people who grit their teeth and turn inwards in pain deciding that not talking about it is their best bet (NEWSFLASH: IT ISN'T) lmao
(rye spent his last year of watcher training on a mostly joyless bender and then got it together enough to finish the eternal orb project last moment in a fevered near-sleepless week instead of the half a year that was intended. emmrich is both astounded and distressed to hear this. "a week? but -- but that is an astounding accomplishment rook!! and also why in the maker's good light would you ever do that to yourself?" ("well you see there was no one to stop me from doing it like that but me. and under those conditions these things tend to happen".) rye was working through/looking up stuff around transitioning and doing every kind of OTHER high level watcher research through that whole time, but ultimately he's an excellent watcher and a terrible student, at least under traditional methods. adhd from here to the fucking moon. touched by something akin to divine inspiration in moments of high tension that pulls all the threads into one coherent unbreakable cord, a bit of a frayed mess in most other settings. in our world he'd be dropping out of a masters program at the very last hurdle in this moment maker bless and protect him)
#myrna is actually really proud of him for pushing through and becoming a very fine member of the mourn watch#(and a good man)#but she is also. well. myrna. so she has never expressed as much to him. (she thought it went without saying. it did not!)#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar#neve gallus#considering how satisfying the Arc with davrin has been I hope this can liven up neve and rye's interactions for me!#also very interesting and fitting b/c davrin will come for you where you live and go 'and hey btw ANOTHER THING --' no bullshit#which rye finds SO annoying but is probably why their relationship has grown so deep so quickly b/c davrin won't let him avoid him#while neve is ironically a lot more like him and it means they have a much harder time reaching each other b/c they're both so watchful#and guarded. they vibed so hard in the beginning it was all neve approves all the times b/c they have similar instincts. and now look at us#we live in the same house and politely pretend the other one doesn't exist. we're making ghosts out of each other!!!#explaining why he's semi-avoiding her. he thinks he's being thoughtful in giving her her space but uh. well.#perhaps more flight behaviour in that than he's willing to gaze at directly haha#rye looks at lucanis claiming he's a mess and goes 'oh buddy you should've seen me the first day in a year I was fully sober#and working on that fucking orb with head pounding and eyeliner running. even like this you're one of the tidiest#and most disciplined people I've ever met. you're literally fine.'#the reason the romance is so slow is not even mostly on lucanis I think rye is the slower to truly open up one in that dynamic lol#hey. I love rook. I love him so much. my trying his best underachieving babyboy who killed god when he got it together#I suspect this is going to be a situation where I've planned multiple other playthroughs#that will inevitably be hampered by '...but where is rye tho. I wish rye was here. does anyone else miss rye' lmao#for reference I've finished DA:O at least 4 times. and all four of them was sophia amell doing exactly the same things. I have a Pattern lo#a pattern I have only really broken in da:i where I have three inquisitors I care about sort of equally (adaar is my fave#but I have fondness for them all)#hawke I basically play as always the same person just AUs of him haha. what if he was a mage instead and it was somehow even sadder#that sort of thing
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reading baldur's gate fic is so funny to me sometimes because almost every single tav i've read is like. a nerd. awkward. stuck in a library/commune/forest and doesn't know How To Do People. combat unready. a wee paper slip of a person. self-doubting and uncertain.
whereas i am out here with my bard who dumped all her stats in charisma and perception and therefore is no longer able to fail a persuasion check. and my personal backstory for her is that she's an insanely well known frontman for a rock band in baldur's gate so literally everyone they meet knows who she is. nonstop flirt. clocks manipulation left and right because seeing through performances is like half of her skillset. oh yeah. and she can fucking oneshot you by being mean in your direction.
#all tavs are created equal obvs but if you are not making your tav so op it's funny what is the point#i wrote some quick drabbles bc as always im irked by the way i cant tailor responses in rpg to match my characterization#and like. the funniest scene i have is when they go to the grove and literally EVERYONE there knows who she is.#it's like. if fucking beyonce picked up a rapier and a group of raggedy ass nobodies and said Let's Fucking Go#also making astarion have NO clue who she is was deeply funny to me. that old man doesnt listen to hip young music#he's too busy being traumatized and gay#bg3#im truly not being mean i love the awkward tavs too#it's just so very far from how i characterize my own i have to laugh#that said i want to do a durge run & HIM i plan to make awkward and uncertain#this rockstar persona all came about bc i want a canon reason to give her purple hair btw#and to dress her in slutty little shirts with tit windows#me playing bg3 as a dress up romance game as god intended#im saving the astarion romance for my durge run but they WILL be best friends. and yes. she falls for gale of all people
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lazy scribbling of my baldur's gate 3 characters
#*emerges from 430 HOURS of life-changing playtime blearily like a lost and confused kitten*#i lost my interest in drawing bc everything is too sad & horrible right now. it was a luxury and privilege to lose myself in this instead#what follows will be my personal and trivial emotions about that#i'll do better proper drawings later. for me. they are both so very dear to me... deeply dear...unforgettable journeys of fate#truly have played like one possessed for the past few weeks. you have no idea. what do i do now. what do i do.#their personalities are so vivid to me though they mostly made the same choices. both intersex and they/them - canonically <3#i missed out on FOUR PARTY MEMBERS in my first playthrough due to not understanding anything whatsoever.#gloaming ended up with wyll and pavane romanced karlach and astarion. and ended up with the one i did NOT plan on. this wasnt the plan#one of the most fulfilling romance paths i've ever..i cant say more..it all got too immersive and now i have to just.. MOVE ON ??????????#live in THIS world where i can't gut imperialism personally and emerge alive from that?#without Long Resting? without my character requesting a kiss from their beloved after a tough day ??#without preparing my little spells? without channelling divinity from my death god to keep us all alive?#without dyeing my man's clothes fancy colours for him? without him Approving whenever i lie and double-cross our enemies#without sharing clothes with my ex? without choosing to eat the heavy food first so that the weight is easier on her Carrying Capacity?#without orchestrating ways for all of my friends to kill the abusers that ruined their lives for a decade or even 200 years?#without experiencing degrading horrors on a daily basis but in a cathartic way where we always make it back to our rooms at the inn#WITHOUT SPEAK WITH ANIMALS???????????#at least there's music. just like with persona 5 that will always be with me. always#like how p5 melodies take me back to those feelings. those rich and personal feelings.... BUT THIS WAS A WAY MORE NUTS EXPERIENCE#i thought i would hate it. i did at times. thought it would desensitise me to various things. it did. but there was so much more..it was...#Well anyway *continues my life* imagine if dnd was real..something to think about
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this wee fluffy one, who you often find just 👁️👁️ staring into your soul from behind
went and hid in the bedroom while i was practicing my flute tonight lmao roasted
#sotd#god he’s so funny we agree he’s the most delightful being in the house#see seven is always plotting scheming etc in plans that always consist of#‘im gonna fuck _____ up rn’#constantly trying to manipulate us to give him what he wants at any moment right. could be anything#whereas simon is like#playing complex 5d chess. he plots and schemes in ways that are much more complex and less straightforward#truly a surgeon where seven is a bulldozer#but the only thing he’s ever trying to achieve is to have a door opened#seven is like always trying to cause some new chaos#and then simon is like. aha i have a complex plot to request this door be opened#today he motioned very energetically to the dog waiting to be let back in from the backyard. tried to open the glass door for him and all#and when i obliged and let the dog in simon then ran over to the garage door#which he’s been squeaking (because he squeaks. he doesn’t meow) for me to open & i was purposely ignoring#fully like ‘you opened the door for the dog ergo you will now open a door for me’#he’s so goofy and he’s so fluffy and soft and sweet! bit odd that he is also the politest lil mastermind!#but god. he really does just Lurk lmao what a weirdo. i love him so much
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Overmorrow Character and Lore Files
—Part 4: Worldbuilding Part I: Daybreak Town—
This document’s all about good ol’ Daybreak Town! You know, the place where everyone lies to each other 😊
The town may be gone, but its existence and subsequent destruction still has an influence on Ephemer and Cable throughout the course of Overmorrow. This is some supplementary info that I came up with, aka stuff that isn’t really touched on in canon
I also threw in an old Daybreak Town theory of mine, just for fun
#thanks in advance for reading and for all your support 💕#oclf#overmorrow#my fics#khux#my posts#my theories#kh speculation#god I can’t believe I was originally planning to post the entire oclf as one document#glad I changed my mind and broke it up into sections; it would’ve probably been 20 pages long!#I truly just cannot shut up lmaoo#daybreak town culture#overmorrow tfs
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.
#so like is the rest of my life just gonna be Yearning from now on NZNXNXJXNXMX#ok maybe not the rest of it. but the forseeable future. god how do ppl do this. how have ppl BEEN doing this.#ignorance is truly bliss like. i talk to my friends about him n they dont like fully understand bc theyve never liked someone so mucg#its just so embarassing to talk about n i just BDNDJDJNDJD#i just !!!! always imagined myself single. and would Say Stuff about not wanting anything like that but now im a big clown JDJDJDJJDDJ#BUT HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ITD BE LIKE THIS. GOD#im also like. trying to talk myself out of it. like oh maybe its all in my head JDJDJDJDJDN#but like just too much has happened. idk. im just........ im feeling impatient 😭😭😭😭#but like. its progressed well so far with me just progressing things when they feel Right. hhhhh god#and like things wouldnt have progressed this far without him liking me at least a little????#idk !!!!!!!!!!!! this stuff is so hard. and like i cant even see him now without making plans hhhhhhhhhhh#it was so much easier before we graduated NDJDJDJDJDMMFMD#ah well..... soon i guess. soon#itd be really nice tho if he like asked me out. but i have a feeling that maybe im not being obvious to him?? maybe i gotta spell it out idk#he also said (in ref to a job offer tho) that he wouldnt take it unless it was for sure#and i have a feeling......... that maybe hes not sure ????????? god idk#rip to my simple life. guess i gotta wait til i see him again hhhhhhh#personal
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think it shouldn’t have been legal that my first day of teaching of the year coincided with grey and rain and storms. however! have some very lovely new students, some very enthusiastic returning ones, there’s new cookies in the cafe, and I get to play with pendulums tomorrow, so there are some (many!) positives
#teaching#text post#my post#my knees are unimpressed#by the combination of being back on my feet lots and whatever the weather did I think#but the cookies are truly magnificent#and it’s cute to see the students again they’re very nice and excitable mostly#but I am tired#ok this post was mostly an excuse to just divulge how the day has gone#it felt very autumnal this morning with grey skies and wind and the smell of rain which is kinda nice yknow getting that October feeling in#but god it’s gonna be such a long term#like ridiculously so#I have all these resolutions about doing more hobby stuff in the evenings and stretching more but like#we’ll see considering: the Tired#anyway the pendulums lesson is not even fully planned but I wasn’t about to stay super late on literally day 1#I plan much better in the mornings anyway#and start as you mean to go on right#so that’s morning’s problem#but it’s pendulums it’ll be fun#tomorrow’s my first non-stop day of teaching (ie no free periods) in two years soooo#wish me (and my knees) luck for that one#those are usually ok once you get into them cause time just flies#but planning is a pain and I’m out of practice doing them cause I had none all of last year thankfully#ok that’s my update I think it’s bedtime#if you’ve read all these tags I am very impressed have a cookie 🍪#less impressive than the cafe ones but still good
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I'm pretty sure me being a child of divorce also has smth to do with me being an atheist.
Even though I wasn't raised to be that religious (I was reading the Qur'an atp but I saw it as a thing to be studied and they didn't tell me the meaning, i could just recite it) But idk having your view of love, respect, trust, relationships and the world on the day you turn 8 does smth to a bitch.
#like i couldnt believe in a god who allowed all that to happen#my whole view of love and relationship were from my parents bc they had a love marraige and all that. so got fucked up bc of that too#i got desensitized to the “god has a plan” and all that jazz when my mother was crying in the balcony at our new tiny apartment#we didnt have a dime to our name and my grandfather had to pay for us#while my dad was living in our old home with his now wife#i never really thought about god as child. bc my dad said god is not a singural being#he told me it was the essence of life and everything that lives is god#so i saw no point in worship or prayers#as i kid i believed that god exists in evrything that lives.#now i dont#its honestly as simple as that i think#i did try to be religious around 2020 when my mother forced me to pray everyday all 5 times#and i did for some time#i tried to belive and earnestly pray#and then i started to pretend to pray. and my prayers werent really serious#i realised i truly dont believe in a god#but my upbringing still has an effect#i am afraid of the dark still and sinning ig#then sometimes i think i maybe do believe there is a god and im just angry at them#i think i told myself that god doesnt like me from so early on that now i dont care if he exists or not#bc in my mind if he exists then im going to hell (a fact i made my peace with 5 years ago) and if he doesnt then i cease to exist (nice)
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