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spontaneousglitterbees · 2 years ago

Note

It's been mentioned that Kokichi has some phantom pains and he has clear mobility issues (love that btw as someone who uses a cane), so I was curious how the rest of the class is doing in that regard. Does Kaito ever struggle to breathe or have coughing fits? Do Rantaro and Angie get migraines?

[Talent Acquisition Pilot Program AU Masterpost]

This one. This one got away from me.

tl;dr: Absolutely, Anon, we are on very similar pages! This ask really got me thinking about how the whole TAPP!cast is doing fresh out of the Killing Game. Every student in Class 79 is going through something, about now, be it physical or mental; in fact, it’s usually both.

Also: for sure, I want to try and be relatively true-to-life with their struggles, especially Kokichi’s. I write from personal experience living with chronic pain, but haven’t used a cane before. Apologies if I miss the mark at any point.

Obligatory disclaimer: I am not a healthcare professional of any kind and the AU’s premise is largely sci-fi, so there may be inaccuracies. That said, I am fascinated with biomechanics and always looking to learn, so I’m trying to keep things at least semi-plausible.

Full spoilers for Danganronpa V3 (and some for the end of SDR2) ahead!

Very Long Loredump (~6.2k words) under the cut:

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?

Everyone is traumatized. That much is obvious, sure, but the Talent Acquisition Pilot Program (TAPP) is a virtual reality simulator based on the bones of the Neo World Program (NWP). In much the way SDR2’s NWP is purported to replicate death in the simulation in the players’ real bodies, the TAPP simulation is built to alter the brain chemistry of its participants. TAPP builds muscle memory and ‘burns’ new neural pathways to a participant’s Default Mode Network (DMN), a collective term for parts of the brain responsible for letting us “autopilot” common tasks like riding a bike or typing on a keyboard. The V3 cast’s experiences in the simulation impact their real bodies in a very literal sense to ‘speedrun’ them through orientation at Hope’s Peak and mainstream them in the curriculum as quickly as possible so its researchers can start collecting useful data on the merits of HPA for investors.

The problem is, nobody programming TAPP anticipated they would start killing each other.

Class 79 were the first human test subjects for the program with zero peer review or board approval, of course, because HPA is morally dubious and can pass off “dude, trust me” as genuine credentials to several world governments. Even if this massive oversight was not noticed until after the fact, V1 of TAPP did at least include one quasi-safety feature: if any player became “significantly injured”, that player would be ejected from the simulation. Everyone else would be locked in the simulation (in case one of them was involved and tried to evade consequences) until an administrator could come and manually assess the situation. In theory, the physically-unharmed student could rejoin the simulation once the conflict was resolved.

But TAPP was built to write data to the brain. It was not built to identify what data it’s actually writing, and cannot differentiate between playing the piano and getting smashed in a hydraulic press. Data is data.

It does not help that Team Danganronpa (the group of Reserve Course kids, including Tsumugi) are foolish teenagers entirely unaware of this, assuming that “none of it is real, so none of it will actually matter! we’re just scaring them!” While skimming through the code and thoroughly Knowing Not What They Do, they manage to remove any defined cap for what constitutes ‘significant injury’ before player ejection. The only flag that can set it off is a lack of any other player flags. Virtual death.

This is where Rantaro earns the title of ��Ultimate Survivor”. The shotput ball put him down too quickly for the damage to be fully reflected in his physical body, so he managed to get ejected with post-concussive symptoms, short-term memory issues, and persistent migraines instead of fully dying. Were his method of death much slower, he’d likely have been screwed (and wouldn’t have Komaeda’s luck cycle to save him).

Time scales differently in TAPP than in the physical world; while Rantaro’s been at the virtual Academy for several days, the students have been strapped in their pods for a few hours at most. Between the Responsible Older Sibling Energy seared over the person he may have been before and an extant knack for escape room puzzles, Amami is The Man with the skills and motivation to call in backup.

It’s a good thing he did, too! Their “observer”, having tired of watching a bunch of students play the piano and run around outside, only figures out something has gone horribly wrong the moment Rantaro practically busts down the door. The next tense hour-plus is spent doing damage control and imposing limits on the code of the simulation to prevent TAPP from letting the students actually die. Unfortunately, the TDR kids and their takeover took a sizeable chunk out of the spaghetti code holding the whole thing together in their haste. TDR, with proposed talents like Ultimate Cosplayer on their side, are primarily concerned with artistry and are only competent-enough programmers. As a result, there is no obvious way to manually override the lock completely and just let the students out without significant defragging, even as TDR members are still actively messing with the code, and who knows how long that will take. (About 6-ish chapters)

Instead, for now, they’ll have to settle for putting as many programming-adjacent talents as possible on the case and exploit a loophole that panicking overseer managed to write: if the remaining students are systematically ejected, the program will bypass the lock and let them out. During the rescue operation, the main objective is first to minimize the physical damage TAPP can inflict by lowering the tolerance required to eject the students (which is easier said than done) and by dampening its neural-carving functions, then to get everyone left out of there.

It is a very good thing they sprung into action as quickly as they did, as it doesn’t take long for Kaede to arrive.

KAEDE

The first thing Kaede notices coming out of the simulation is that she can’t hum the notes to get back on-pitch after the worst rendition of Der Flohwalzer she has ever heard. The second thing she notices, because it is far easier to be angry about something trivial than face the slow-dawning realization you are having, is that she can only barely speak. It hurts.

I think Kaede learns to sign early on, but still finds herself trying to speak aloud anyway since she’s so used to having her hands busy already playing piano. Shuichi often reminds her to take it easy, treat it like a vocal rest, and steadily she begins to improve. She is as exuberant as ever, with determination fitting of our protagonist. Kaede is the Class 79 representative, though with his renewed confidence Shuichi often accompanies her. Not only are they best friends (though it is strange, at first, to see her alive after spending so long grieving. Kaede last saw him, like, yesterday.) and Kaede will inevitably tell Shuichi all about the meeting anyway so why not cut out the middle man, but Shuichi initially came specifically to speak at meetings so Kaede wouldn’t strain her voice. She is immensely proud.

RANTARO (PT. 2)

Rantaro doesn’t hold the shotput ball against her; desperate times, and all. It made sense her proactive attitude would make her first to act for the ‘greater good’. She aimed to end the whole thing, not just comply. Even if she swung and missed, he (an older brother with faint recollections of failing to protect the people depending on him and guilt knowing he doesn’t have the stomach to take a victim and thus will be failing people in need of protection again) can’t fault her for swinging. She is confused when he asks her how she launched the ball that hard, though. Odd.

TENKO

Tenko has neck pain issues like Kaede, but hers are more acute. The seesaw effect was heinous but relatively precise; as the magnum opus of TDR’s homebrewed serial killer, they un/fortunately made him pretty good at it when he has a plan. Tenko has some of the least devastating lingering physical injuries of the class. Given the severity of her classmates’ injuries, though, that still leaves her with minor vocal strain, susceptibility to sore throats, and severe neck pain, among other things.

A lot of Tenko’s lingering trauma is mental: she isn’t quite as willing to immediately throw herself into the fray to help her friends, and certainly doesn’t want to leave her back exposed (a tendency she shares with Kokichi, of all people). While it did numbers on her perception of men again for a while, hearing about the trial left her with a lot to reconcile. In a ‘cool-motive-still-murder’ way, she does not forgive Kiyo (nor is she obligated to) but doesn’t hate him as much as she expected, either. Processing the idea that a girl could be horribly abusive, especially to a guy, and catalyze a cycle of violence… gets to her. She’s more wrapped up in the tragedy of the entire situation than the righteous indignation that’d fueled her for so long. Everybody lost that day.

She’s pleasantly surprised to see Himiko trying to lift her spirits now. Those two have a lot to talk about and boundaries to set, yes, but Tenko is still touched Himiko took her words to heart and seems to be benefiting from it.

ANGIE

Angie had bit more complicated situation than Tenko, getting KO’d before the fatal blow. Her migraines come on more often than Rantaro’s with high light, which is a special kind of awful for the SHSL Artist, but they’re generally closer to a dull ache. Once she gets going on a project she sets out to grin and bear it; Tenko and Himiko often check up on her. She does her best to stay just as upbeat as in the simulation, and if anything it seems more genuine now. She can actually relax, rather than mind-game her way to relative (unsteady) peace under duress.

(Angie is really interesting to me for many adjacent reasons to Kokichi, since they’re both willing to get morally gray and manipulative if it’ll keep everyone from killing each other. Angie-Kokichi compare contrast essay when?)

She hasn’t “forgiven” Kiyo either, but isn’t hostile while she evaluates whether or not his conviction in getting help and being better is genuine. She was pretty heavily affected by TDR’s “character rewrites” as well, after all, and empathizes with the feeling you’ve been used as a glorified dress-up doll. To some unknowable extent, she is a different person now, and it is frightening.

She’s trying to step back and re-analyze her sense of spirituality, particularly how it relates to her art. It’s existentially harrowing, having been made to toe the line between faith and fronting to either get people to either listen to her or not see her as a threat. She’s not even positive “Kami-sama” (not going with the localization here, my understanding is the Japanese version was deliberately more generic and at least a bit less disrespectful towards real people and their beliefs) is the same deity she’d believed in before TAPP, but it’s difficult to try and reconnect with your roots when none of you have any information on your previous lives.

They do, at least, have a resident anthropologist that might have a clue how to even start looking.

Hah. They sure do, huh.

I think Angie is the type to nominally forgive and never, ever forget. She holds the kind of grudge that lives beyond logic as all the compartmentalized emotions you don’t want to admit you have. A grudge that co-exists with an active desire to move on and seeps into her art.

KOREKIYO

Kiyo got burned.

Alive.

Also dead, somehow, an extension of the Ultimate Placebo Effect we have going on in the simulation; Kiyo was so certain ghosts were real and he’d be one that, through earnest conviction, the simulation made it so. I think this is how Komaeda’s luck works in SDR2 as well; the original Neo World Program was developed for therapy, and in doing so assesses whether or not it would be completely devastating (do more harm than good) to actively disprove something about the patient’s worldview at that time and adapts the environment accordingly. Hence you get a reality-warping luck cycle and ghosts are Definitely Real. Is either true in the outside world? No idea! Komaru talks to a ghost in UDG, once, but considering it’s unclear if Kiyo’s sister was ever a living person to begin with there are bigger fish to fry.

Or not. He’s pretty damn-well aware much that hurts. Or at least being boiled and seasoned does. Going by that kind of simulator-logic, I think in a technical sense it was the salt that killed him, not the torture. There’s probably something to unpack there I haven’t fully explored yet.

Rumors start going around campus that Kiyo is a vampire. It makes enough sense for watercooler gossip, the mask covering up fangs and an aversion to lingering out in the sun; Class 79 knows it’s actually because sunburn, for him, is a new brand of Unfun. He prefers to hole up in the library or his lab anyway, so it could be worse. He’s honestly kind of into becoming a school cryptid. It helps transition him from “avoiding my classmates and other people because they hate me, i also hate me, and we are all correct to do so. i am an extension of her so it does not matter what i want” towards “i am not my past, i cannot make up for what ive done but i can move forward and be better, i am forging a new self and it is mine this time and it always should have been”.

(Kokichi is particularly proud of having kickstarted the cryptid thing. Of course Shinguji would love to watch the evolution of new local lore in real time! Now he doesn’t mope in the corner half as much. He’s still in the corner, granted, but its probably reading while Rantaro sits next to him on his phone instead of moping!)

Kiyo’s also in therapy now. They all have therapy scheduled into their school weeks, but Kiyo has a session besides. Fabrication or not, everyone’s backstories are functionally now ‘real’ and need to be dealt with. Kiyo, Maki, and Kokichi got hit particularly hard on that front. Those scars run deep, but are starting to heal.

Of the students with whole-body injuries, Kiyo probably has the most manageable physical symptoms at this stage. He has to have long sleeves and generally keep as covered as he can so that he can subdue the part of his mind that expects the skin is still raw and flaking (it isn’t, but phantom sensations suck). Overheating pushes him toward a panic state like the end of his trial, which doesn’t exactly gel with the first point, but he’s working on it. Rantaro and Kokichi, occasionally Shuichi, tend to notice and start to defuse the situation. Part of me wonders if he’d have a black lace parasol on sunny days to lean in to the ‘mystery’ around him, plus for the sheer Aesthetic of it.

KIRUMI

Speaking of full-body injuries: Kirumi. She has similar ‘got-to-keep-covered’ issues to Kiyo, particularly wearing heavier work gloves now just to minimize any potential for cuts (and, in the back of her mind, ropeburn). Breaking several bones on impact was rough, though fast enough that she’s had remarkable improvement in a relatively short period of time. She started out on crutches, which made it difficult for her to keep up with her workaholic inclinations, but unlike some of the other students she has at least an idea of “when to quit” as not to make things worse. She’s still genuinely lost some bone density resulting from her treatment and coping methods, finding that she really does need to lean on her friends on occasion, but she is still resolute she is a care-giver, damn it. On both physical and mental fronts she’s dealing with reclaiming her agency and independence.

Kirumi is one of the few, with Maki, whose talent courses actively discourage the kinds of behavior they need for personal growth and mental health maintenance. Kirumi is still reconciling her “rewrite”, the encoded passivity in her and clash of her “selfless devotion” against her own will to live and thrive, a nightmarish reminder that You Are Not Your Own. The “Ultimate” maid needs to be agreeable, to follow orders, and hasn’t the tampering just improved her proficiency at her craft? Why be so upset? Never mind having to reconstruct her proper ability to tell people “no”, having to re-learn it’s okay to do things for yourself; according to her programmed instinct, her classes, those very things are antithetical to her talent. And everything relies on that talent, doesn’t it?

Kirumi and Kokichi are the two in Class 79 who were discharged with mobility devices that got students in the other classes… more than mildly concerned about what the hell happened to all of these freshmen (well, first year at HPA anyway), but luckily for HPA administration they’re also probably the two people least likely to offer details.

THE RIBS

There are enough students who have chest pain and associated issues that they made a club about it. It started out as Miu, Ryoma, and Kaito all independently concluding there was no way in hell they were making it through a mile run and sitting on the bleachers. Once they’d had an opportunity to gather themselves again, they do as teens are wont to do and started talking to each other. Hypoxia is an oddly effective experience to bond over. They call themselves the RIBs, standing for “Respiratory-Issue Beleaguered” (students), mostly because it made Miu laugh and for as irritating as the sound could be they’d missed it.

Kaede, Tenko, Gonta, and Kokichi also stop by from time-to-time, meaning precisely half of the 14 active Class 79 students revolving-door through this unofficial student group. HPA took notice. Class 79 has its own gym class, now, taking into account the state of everyone. One could argue that should have been the case from the onset. They would be correct.

RYOMA

Ryoma is fairly elusive. He generally keeps to himself and remains a Fairly Chill Guy with a cool temperament everyone wants to emulate (he doesn’t see what they see in him) and some Complicated Feelings now knowing he hasn’t killed anyone in the certified Real World and, by logic, should not have to have the memories of a hardened prisoner. He still does. The persistent rasp in his voice now surprises nobody, but it took a few days for everyone in the class to stop flinching a little hearing it. He frequently hangs out in the animal shed with Gonta, Gundham, and Peko to take care of the cats.

MIU

We’ve seen quite a bit of Miu in the AU so far, but to recap a lot of her deal:

She loathes having to “take it easy” but will do so reluctantly

She tries to talk less to stretch out her working time as much as she can (even if she can’t resist just a little banter when Kokichi swings by)

She’s trying to approach her death with a sense of humor. A choker with a huge heart-shaped buckle replaces her usual necklaces with full awareness of the irony. Ha-ha, a choker. It’s a dare for anybody to bring it up, ‘I’ve said it before anyone else could’. The first thing she did waking up was try and make an autoerotic asphyxiation joke. It did not make her feel better like she thought it would.

Miu spends most of her time in her lab, now. Granted, she did that already, but she’s particularly fixated on re-creating a certain Ultimate Robot, ground-up if she has to. Fortunately, she has a team assembled (re: two upperclassmen and the Ultimate Supreme Shit-for-brains). We’ll see how this pans out soon enough.

When not re-building Kiibo outright, she ““takes a break”” innovating in other areas (re: prototyping potential features for kIIbo, usually testing them on a bored Kokichi. He usually complies because Miu is one of the few who doesn’t look at him with a patronizing amount of pity she’s Not boring. Mm-hmm. All there is to it.)

Miu does not resent Gonta (or Kokichi, for that matter) for killing her. There's a small extent to which she's a little relieved she was stopped from going through with her plan to kill Kokichi, and a much bigger disconnect between her idea of reality and her memory of Chapter 4. Miu died in a VR game within another VR game. Having messed around with the programming and guts of the nested simulation personally, it still seems fake. She didn't really die, no matter how real it felt; they were in a simulation. Logically, she's well aware of how it works and the consequences, but it doesn't feel like it was more than a glorified fever dream on an emotional level. Both Gonta and Kokichi are more outwardly traumatized by her death than Miu as a byproduct of how she's processing it. She's not "better off" or "less impacted" so much as "disassociated from the whole thing and very much wanting to put it behind them before it catches up with her", thus burying herself in work and trying as hard as she can to bring back the one person she wants to comfort her.

Kiibo's absence is not great for her abandonment issues. It is hard to blame him when he never had a physical body to begin with, though.

GONTA

Gonta is also with the RIBs, and reeling from it the most visibly of everyone on account of just how. Much, his death was. An allergic reaction blocking off the air, puncturing at least one lung for certain, and living long enough to feel the shrapnel of the laptop lodge into the wound alongside the scythe, the fire quickly eating away any oxygen, any hope of gasping another breath… yeah no he acts as much the gentleman as ever but he is not okay. As Resident Buff Nature Boy Gonta tanked it better than anyone else in the class could have, but the sheer excess of the thing gets to him. Fond memories of setting a campfire in the woods with his adoptive family are overwritten, vespidae in general… hitting differently. But Gonta is kind, to a fault. More resolute than ever to make himself into a kind of person not perceived as ‘too intimidating’ to be friends with, acknowledging the capacity he has for violence is difficult. Somewhere deep down he knows that everybody does, especially in their circumstances, but still acts as though his case is exceptionally bad (nobody else does. This does not deter him, becoming a little less gullible when its least helpful).

He is also not as disconcerted by the occasional spontaneous sensation that your insides are going to lose structural integrity, even with no stitches to pop, that with only the damaged wake and no piercing sharp pain to focus on and blame for the mess could potentially be perceived as a bizarre, abstracted kind of crawling feeling from the inside-out. Things in motion, displaced from where they are meant to be. He knows it isn’t bugs, isn’t glass and metal and plastic, that it isn’t anything but himself. A teeny-tiny part of him wishes it were. At least being shelter for a hive of some sort would be helpful. Aren’t gentlemen helpful, they improve life for people, make things better and how could anyone even look at you again knowing what you’re capable of, who in their right mind would talk to you, you’re going to end up alone again talking to stray cats in the alley since not even the wolves would stay—

Gonta also has extra therapy. He already had to work out self-worth issues, but the game pushed them to interfere too much in daily life not to actively work on.

KAITO

Kaito has made several background and supporting appearances without much central attention just yet. It's not that I don't like him or anything (I do!) but I guess because it seems like well-worn territory in V3 fic to me? Kaito is endlessly proud of Maki and Shuichi (Himiko too, less personally) for "winning" in the face of the killing game, and the training trio of them meet back up again regularly. Only.

It's different, now.

He's no longer sick and dying, but his lungs 'top out' at a certain level of activity and refuse to take in more air, this burning sensation that leaves him only able to huff and wheeze and brings his training regiment to a dead stop. He treasures those last moments in his failed execution where he got to see the stars, because a lingering anxiety in the back of his mind won't let him forget that he never will again. Not the way he'd dreamed of, the way he'd planned to, the way he'd centered his identity around. There is no way, as things are, that he will pass all the physical exams to become a proper astronaut.

The drawn-out deterioration of his health during the simulation chipped away at his physical lungs at a rate too gradual for the countermeasures the rescue team implemented; TAPP did more overt physical damage to Kaito than anyone else. It could certainly be worse and he is gradually improving, but some degree of it is permanent. It haunts him. He's trying not to think about it.

It does, though, drive a wedge between him and his sidekicks; the survivors are planning their futures, and Kaito is not too far from a slight tailspin without any idea what his might look like for the first time he can recall. Space has been the dream since he was a kid (as has getting there in this specific role) and it almost feels like a rejection. Like he got too cocky, and the cosmos decided it didn't want him.

It starts to make a little more sense, then, that he starts willingly hanging out with Kokichi. They went through the hangar together, of course, but even besides the traumabond (and a need to, after he woke from his coma, make sure the little brat is still alive, damn it, you can't run away anymore it counts now) but. If anyone else gets having such drastically shifted circumstances that life as you'd imagined it no longer makes logistical sense, it's probably the leader without an organization. There's no need to explain the feelings of inadequacy, or the aimlessness, going through the motions of classes and formal education because what the hell else am I going to do, right now? It's familiar.

Kokichi needs someone willing to chase him, no matter how circuitous the route becomes. Kaito needs someone willing to shake him by the shoulders and snap him out of his own head, so sure it's all-or-nothing and that if he can't be the Luminary as he'd dreamed of it whatever happens next is immaterial in comparison. Kaito needs to adapt and roll with the punches, Kokichi needs to double back from his logical leaps from point A to point Q and articulate his thoughts clearly to other people (at least some of the time.) The two of them concoct little daily and weekly rituals, like Kokichi stealing Kaito's notebook and drawing in it, just because the consistency of company reminds them both that they aren't the only one going through this.

None of the other students quite get it, but have come to accept it.

KOKICHI

Then there’s Kokichi.

Ah, Kokichi, whose whole deal in this scenario inspired me to write about this AU at all (and who manages to weasel his way into every comic and a other entries in these notes) . I’m biased, I know, but there are also a few reasons he’s singled out in-universe as well:

A) So a hydraulic press does not slam down quickly. The pause-and-play of the video deliberately makes it look much faster than it was; watching enough of the hydraulic press channel makes it abundantly clear that it was not instant. Kokichi was impaled with two crossbow bolts (the one in the back being bad enough already), poisoned by those bolts, and then pressed. He had to have felt non-zero of the Pressing, which, considering it already had to be agony before bones started breaking… the rest of the class might not have been fond of him, sure, but he’s right there with Gonta on “sheer level of excess.” Not even Maki is at a point of wishing that on him. Not after finding out how drawn out and excruciating it was. Veering into headcanon, I’m going to add “sleep deprivation” on the pile as exacerbating the whole thing, given his conspiracy whiteboard and everything after the concussion, honestly.

Combined with the World’s Worst Placebo Effect, King Horse takes the crown for top “my entire body hurts most of the time” severity. It’s not a desirable one, but when your previous life is all but erased there is exactly one choice available between Big and Home. Let it be said Kokichi Ouma has never half-assed anything he’s set his mind to, ever.

B) Ouma is paranoid and distrusting, which adds the psychological angle of “you literally shot me in the back” to a poison-laced crossbow bolt in his mind. TAPP will very literally never let him forget the bolt burying itself in the muscle of his back, barely kept from severing his spinal cord; he won’t forget the shivering and shaking from the poison, or the bile rising in the back of his throat handing Kaito the antidote. (He still wanted to live. He forfeit the right, he thought, after getting Gonta and Miu killed, but he still wanted to. That was all the more reason to quadruple-down on the press idea and making their three deaths mean something, damn it. Three, because Kaito could live. If the killing game ends there is no execution. It’ll be over. Can’t take back the past, but at least one of the pair of you has to walk out of this forsaken place!)

(… Can you really believe that? Or is it just another lie.

A lie you want, with all the heart they’re so sure you do not have, to blithely believe. There has to be a cure for whatever the hell has gotten into Kaito once the game ends and they can look for it, it might even stop cold the moment the game ends. That dumbass space cadet can go back to his sidekicks and he better appreciate it, the comradery you’ll never have, because he is the designated Hero and Heroes get happy endings. You want-want-want-want to trust in that lie, to trust him with the collected thoughts and notes and pieces of you spilled across reams of paper that have been so pointlessly important for you to keep secret this whole time. For once in your life, you want to believe you will not be betrayed. You want to believe in the closest thing you have left to a friend.

It will, in fact, be the last thing you do.)

C) Ouma is paranoid and distrusting. Again. Only this flavor has more to do with his persistent denial anything is wrong, in turn making things a lot worse for himself. Mental trauma and impressions of physical sensations can have physical effects. Clinging to his persona and trying to keep bouncing around like nothing ever happened turned a very difficult but potentially manageable condition into small amounts of permanent nerve damage within the first day of waking up. It screws with his coordination; just what he needed at a school that prizes talent above all else, when he is a leader with no organization and proficiencies in sleight of hand, forgery, lockpicking, and generally evading anything that might threaten him because he can’t take very many hits.

Whoops.

D) Kokichi was last of the class to wake up from the simulation, even after the survivors. They thought he was actually dead for a bit. Just when they were thinking of giving up on him Kokichi Ouma, SHSL Stubborn Son of a Bitch, refuses to stay down for the count.

HPA already knew Class 79 would need accommodations on account of their negligence, but it became much harder to sweep things under the rug when they thought they’d actually killed a student. Even worse, thirteen witnesses have been actively fraternizing and scaled the flashback-gaslighting required to cover it up to easily exceed what their current technology is capable of.

Half the class was positive Ouma was playing dead specifically to fuck with them and light the fire under them to act. He and Kaito are the only ones to know without a shred of doubt that he was not. He still gladly takes the credit, though.

E) Class 79 as a whole already adapted to Ouma Being Ouma, so when the definition of ‘Being Ouma’ expanded he’s still pretty distinct. He hangs out around the people closest to him often, particularly Miu, Kaito, and Rantaro, but the entire class knows now that he’s pretty much beyond the point of perfidy. Even if he were to lie about being in more pain than he is at a given moment, there’s constantly enough underlying truth in how vulnerable he is that it’s not strategically worth trying to use as a manipulative tactic. It’s too real. Plus, he knows better than to boy-that-cried-wolf his way out of help from his classmates after getting lost on campus once and fainting before he found his way back.

K1-B0

K1-B0, as far as has been established, is being re/built. Miu is spearheading the project. Presumably, he is currently hanging out on at least one computer in the school, somewhere. Per the AU, though, Chapter 6 did go a bit differently than canon, so we’ll catch up with him soon.

TSUMUGI

Nobody is exactly certain what happened to Shirogane. Or, at the very least, nobody in the class knows. Admin is certainly not about to tell them. Wouldn’t it be just like the Ultimate Cosplayer to Theseus her way back into their lives following a single loose thread…

THE SURVIVORS

Shuichi, Maki, and Himiko each emerged from the simulation minimally physically harmed in a lasting sense beyond initial fatigue from being hooked up for so long. Each is still moving forward on their established character arc: Himiko is finding her motivation, Maki is learning to open up, and Shuichi is becoming more sure of himself and his detective abilities.

I think Himiko begins embracing the 'stage' side of her magic, considering that TAPP was blocking my mana, and you know what? I survived a killing game, and I didn't even need it. What else can I do without my mana? As time goes on, she'll likely value her own practical skills more rather than relying on her want of more fantastical powers. Not to say she'd disown them, but more that she could admit to herself it's more for fun than a need to affix something exceptional to her identity. She is enough as she is.

Maki enters HPA and immediately requests transfer out of 'Ultimate Assassin' classes. She hates fighting, per canon, and after going through the simulation she is no longer afraid of any authority figure that may deny her because she has certifiably seen worse. She initially tries to pivot and become the Ultimate Child Caregiver, for Real This Time; she is genuinely pretty good with kids. After a little incident nearly choking Kokichi, though? It confirms what she'd been afraid of all along: her patience is too thin, her instinct to defend too heavy on the trigger. She talks to Peko about it, among other people, Mukuro and Sakura chief among the other classes. She'd made their acquaintances during combat training in the first few days at HPA. She especially confides in Kaede, who carries a more-domestic-less-battlescorn perspective on it she can't help but appreciate. Kaede takes her to not-Claire's, playing with accessories and make-up and generally reclaiming some of the girlhood Maki has effectively never been allowed to have. In the whole process, Maki realizes she wants more than anything to protect the ability to have that kind of frivolity, that freedom: she changes tracks again, to become a SHSL Bodyguard.

Shuichi is a difficult one to place for me, exactly. He's in a state of becoming significantly more confident in the wake of the simulation, but the deviation from canon has turned the main conflict away from ending a destructive cycle and towards fighting the idea of predetermination by an external force. Shirogane was predetermined to stay in the Reserve Course despite her skills and aspirations, and railed against it; Kiibo was predetermined to be an AI helper and not a person, but embraced the role so hard he developed a soul of his own; Maki denies her talent and changes her destiny, Himiko embraces hers.

I suppose Saihara must fall somewhere in the middle, then. An observer steadfastly declaring that yes, there were aspects of life shaped for them beyond their control (entry into the simulation if they wanted a taste of success, the killing game, the "character rewrites" overriding the people they were before...) and yes they cannot control everything. What happened has happened. There are always going to be things you can't control (like how severely you burn in the sun, or whether you get headaches with the lights up too high, or even if your dream life rockets away too fast for you to catch unless you want to lose what you still have) but you can adapt to it. It's tempting to give in, to consider it all a lost cause, to submit to the forces you feel are puppeting you, but see. You keep living anyway, because you have to. The only way forward is through. Even if you were a puppet, you're still an independent you, and that means something. Maybe you can't snap your strings, but you can sure as hell stretch them out and bend them in a way you like better than this one.

Not having total control doesn't mean the control you do have doesn't matter.

So Shuichi is taking up cases as a detective, now. Seeing how he likes it. If not? Well. Skills are transferable.

He'll be okay.

They all will.

----

(The first screenshot I took of this ask to begin drafting vs. the last one:

I'm sorry I am bad at timely responses but I hope they are Good.)

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commsroom · 9 months ago

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I have DID, and a lot of my system feels very represented in Hera's character, for various reasons. Do you have any thoughts on viewing her character through this lens (or through the lens of any dissociative disorder)? (Side note but your takes on her character are always so interesting! I always get excited whenever I see one of your really long hera posts. The way you articulate things is really nice too.)

oh, interesting! i don't have DID, so i wouldn't want to make assumptions or speak for your experiences, but i would be curious to know your thoughts! and you're welcome to DM me, if you want to talk about it, but would rather not put it out there publicly.

i can talk a bit about how i feel her experiences reflect more general dissociation and depersonalization? she's had to develop a strong sense of interiority; she exists sort of 'within' her own mind, feeling separate from and like she can only observe the 'real world.' whatever tangible actions she can take are by proxy, not things she feels she's directly interacting with. there are the literal mental blocks keeping her from accessing traumatic memories, and the servers full of information that are - in a sense - part of her, directly accessible via her thoughts, but not known to her until they're accessed and processed through memory. and then there are things she can't think about, not even because they're traumatic, but because an external party decided she wasn't allowed: "do you have any idea how annoying it is to get kicked off a thought when you're halfway through having it? now i'm going to have a headache for the rest of the night." ... like, that perceived artificiality of the self and lack of autonomy and control in relation to others is something that i emotionally understand.

a lot of my fixation on the idea of hera having a body comes from a place of disconnect and desire to reconcile with that; it's cathartic, in a way, to explore what it means to have a body from the perspective of someone who has no physical history, no sense of place, or really anything that 'identity' often stems from. i think so much of just feeling like a person is in having other people respond to your presence, and when there's such a disconnect between who you are and how you're perceived - or when there's no one to perceive you at all - it's easy to feel like kind of a non-entity, and out of step with the people around you. i also find certain ways of thinking about the brain + body as a computer + machine useful in processing certain types of actions and reactions, especially in, like... the opening of persuasion; 'mindfulness' on its own doesn't do much for me, but the way hera has to adjust her thought processes to sort of re-teach herself to purposefully do one task at a time instead of everything at once - "relearning the way [she listens] to what's in [her] head" - resonates with me. i don't know if any of these experiences overlap with what you had in mind, but i'd be curious to find out! i think part of what makes her such a great character is that these are very real things that anyone with difficulty feeling present, who feels that the world is in some way uniquely inaccessible to them, who has a complicated relationship with a sense of self due to that disconnect, will understand on a very personal level, especially in relation to trauma and traumatic injury / disability.

(and thank you so much; that's kind of you!!)

#i apologize if this isn't as articulate as it could be; i've been really out of it for a while. but i appreciate the ask a lot!!#she's very special to me and i like to hear about what other people connect with in her too #asks

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rjalker · 1 year ago

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whoopsies almost forgot to write this down.

In my dream from last night, there was this group of witches, and whenver one of them died, they turned into a ghost, and they always had a black ribbon tied around whatever part of their body uh, made them die.

If they died of a hear attack, they'd have a ribbon around their chest covering their heart, for example.

If they died from a specific injury, the ribbon would be tired around wherever that injury was.

There could be multiple ribbons if multiple reasons caused them to die, and in one case the ghost was covered head to toe in the black ribbons.

As ghosts, they would hang out with their still-living friends and family members that were witches, as only witches could see them, and only witches that they'd had a strong bond with while living. Multiple generations of ghosts could hang around living witches, with the bonds between the ghosts and the living helping make the older ghosts visible to the living people.

The main reason the ghosts stuck around was to help guide and teach younger witches and to watch over their families and friends as the years went by.

While the witches were in this ghost form, they'd have only the memories of their very last life. Eventually, the ghosts could choose to pass on if they didn't feel like sticking around anymore for whatever reason, and then their soul would go back into the planet to be reincarnated into the next generation.

It was not a guarantee that if you were a witch in one life you'd be one in your next. It tended to follow family lines, but could also pop up pretty randomly via skipping several generations.

If the ghost witches chose to remove their ribbon(s), they would be able to uncover memories from other past lives, but doing so was dangerous, because it usually meant they'd lose their memories of their most recent life.

The witch this dream was following had her death ribbon around her wrist, and I was not told/shown why. She chose to remove her ribbon to see what her past lives had been like after hanging around until her ghost BFF moved on to be reincarnated.

The representation for recovering past memories was of a jungle-gym type ladder surrounded by darkness, with a bright light at the top that was her current life. She could choose to climb away from the light or go back towards it. Whichever way she chose, she'd gain and lose memories as the other memories took hold.

As she climbed down the ladder, she started to remember a past life from several lives ago, back in the 1800s, when she'd been a trans man who'd survived a house fire and came away covered in burn scars, which he'd been extremely conflicted about, because on one hand, the whole ordeal was extremely traumatic and painful, but on the other, the surgeries required to save him had required a double mastectomy, and strangers didn't view him as a woman anymore, in the rare instances when he was able to go out in public, which wasn't often, because it was literally illegal to exist in public as a disabled person.

The further down the ladder the witch went, the harder it became for her to hold onto it, as the pain from the memories started to overwhelm her, so that she could barely lift her arms to grip the rungs. She was remembering an extremely painful and personal conversation between her past life and his husband that was making her absolutely distraught, though I didn't get to hear any of the words. With supremely agonizing difficulty, she started climbing back up the ladder, and the dream changed and went to something else before she got back to the top.

Anyways, feel free to use this as inspiration for anything you'd like to write. I love it when my brain just makes up an entire world while I'm asleep.

#Rjalker has weird dreams #alrighty then!!!

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battyaboutbooksreviews · 1 year ago

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🦇 Fly With Me Book Review 🦇

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

❝ They were mirrors in a way. Both of them watching their loved ones suffer. Both unable to help in any meaningful way. Both coping--one with work and the other with a list. Both scared shitless of hurting the other one. ❞

❓ #QOTD What are you afraid of? ❓ ⚠️ Content Warnings: Terminal illness, chronic illness, misogyny, toxic relationship, grief, traumatic brain injury

🦇 ER nurse Olive Murphy's fear of flying doesn't stop her from getting on a plane to honor her brother, but it seems her fear is misplaced. A medical emergency forces Olive to leap out of her seat and into action, only for the flight to get redirected. She would have missed the marathon she was meant to run at Disney if not for Allied Airlines pilot Stella Soriano; a gorgeous, type A woman who captivates Olive with a glance. They share a magical day at Disney together as the video of Olive saving a man's life goes viral (after all, she did TECHNICALLY save Mickey Mouse), prompting an uptick in positive press and sales for the airline. Stella sees it as an opportunity to earn her long-deserved promotion and asks Olive to play the role of her fake girlfriend as they generate more press. Can Olive stand playing a fake role when her heart is already on a one-way flight?

[ Instagram | Literal | Goodreads | StoryGraph ]

My Thoughts:

💜 Get ready for a sassy, steamy, sapphic love story bound to soar into your heart. Andie Burke's debut novel has a little of everything; an insta-crush, fake dating (complete with a binder full of rules and research!), sharp and witty banter, plus some real and raw mental health rep. Between their anxieties, family responsibilities, and messy emotions, both Olive and Stella are relatable main characters you can't help but fall in love with. Sparks fly from the moment Olive and Stella meet, and Olive's mega-crush is adorable without making her seem adolescent. We gain a lot of insight into both characters' lives despite the fact that the story sticks with Olive's POV, which isn't always an easy feat. The prose is descriptive but not overly flowery, but it's the character development that really flies off the page. I absolutely adored Olive's best friend, too (imagine Felix from Orphan Black and get ready for ALL the gay sass).

💜 Burke does a wonderful job of normalizing mental health conditions without banging mental health rep over our heads. Olive's symptoms are as much a part of her as the heart-eyes she wears when Stella is in the room. After her (toxic) ex broke up with Olive because her anxiety disorder and panic attacks were "too much," Olive is afraid her symptoms will eventually scare Stella away. Meanwhile, Stella's responsibilities as her father's caretaker (who has Parkinson's) create the cracks in her type-A facade and show us why she's so committed to earning her promotion. Both characters encounter misogyny as well. While some readers might feel that there's too much going on, Burke carefully stacks these issues atop of one another. That's life; we're all juggling multiple conflicts, both internal and external. Read the quote I selected again. These women are mirror images of one another. Their struggles, while different on the surface, make it all the easier for them to empathize with and support each other. There's also no perfect, easy solution to the problems these women are facing because, again: that's life.

🦇 A part of me does wish this story split the POV, allowing us to see Stella's perspective. Keeping the focus on Olive ensured Stella's feelings for her remained hidden, but...come on. We all know where a sapphic romance novel is bound to end: with a sapphic romance. The "fake dating girlfriends with benefits" situation is where the story really gets messy. It's difficult to believe that Stella doesn't have romantic feelings for Olive at that point. The miscommunication trope is still my least favorite, but it lingers much too long in this one, leading to a not-at-all surprising third-act breakup. Even so, this remains the best sapphic romance I've read so far this year.

🦇 Recommended to fans of the fake dating trope, serious character development, and a heart-eyed, healing MC.

✨ The Vibes ✨ ✈�� Fake Dating ✈️ Bisexual MC ✈️ Sapphic Ship ✈️ Panic Attacks/Depression/Mental Health Rep ✈️ Debut Author

🦇 Major thanks to the author and publisher for providing an ARC of this book via Netgalley. 🥰 This does not affect my opinion regarding the book.

#books #book review #books and coffee #sapphic books #queer fiction #queer book recs #queer community #queer #queer books #sapphic #coffee and books #books and flowers #flower bouquet #flowers #batty about books #battyaboutbooks #book: fly with me #author: andie burke

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jounosparticles · 1 year ago

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HAJDSJD omg im glad we're both brain rotting about this now LMAO okay

i thought about the surgery thing. it was mentioned that tachihara was given less than the others due to his nature as a spy, but im not sure if he can survive or not. if worst comes to worst, im sure he could get the surgery files and have a more private doctor do it. i admit that i haven't thought enough about it, i just kind of assumed tachihara would be fine or somehow find another solution

ALSO YES YES OMG DAZAI AND JOUNO BONDINF!! j feel like the parallels between their pasts would cause some tension at first though. in my mind jouno probably avoids his past like the plague, while dazai embraces it as a part of him or whatever. maybe they intimidate each other at first and then come to realise that they're not threats & actually have a bit in common.

also this doesn't relate to the whole topic but i really desperately want to see tachihara and jouno bond over blindness. like.. as someone that's been losing my vision my whole life, it can be very scary + tachihara's wound was due to a traumatic and severe injury, not just a disease. jouno and tachi seem to be fairly close, from what i barely remember of season 4 and i think this could bring them closer, mafia aside.

also, ranpo and tecchou are very autistic coded. i feel like their autism would clash personally. like in my mind ranpo has very visual stims but tecchou is sensitive to the light. i don't think it'd be a huge deal, they'd just learn to leave each other be when clashes happen.. but i can also see them growing close too.

ALSO YES TECCHOU AND KENJI MENTORSHIP/FRIENDSHIP. tecchou is definitely a big brother figure imo like i think he'd be great at taking care of people. not in huge gestures but in little ways like bringing them stuff that reminds him of them or minor acts of service. and kenji very much seems like a family oriented type of person.

IDK THERES SO MUCH TO THINK ABOIT LIKE?? im going insane this au is ruining me

- 🗡️

oh my god your brain. literally making me so happy i love talking about this!!!

good note on the surgery thing for tachihara!! i didn’t know or didn’t remember hearing that, but it clears it up. possibly there are similar doctors within the mafia as well.

one slightly brutal thought i’ve had before is if something happens to the hunting dogs doctor. they’d be easier to attack than the hunting dogs themself and if they died all of the hunting dogs would slowly have to rot to death. what a vile and awful death to face. ive thought about writing this before but it also makes me a bit sad to think about.

jouno and dazai bonding would be really nice to see. i feel that their senses of morality and justice are vastly different though to the point where becoming close would be hard for the two. with that in mind they could make an interesting combination when it comes to discussing pasts. i fully agree with what you said about jouno hiding the past whereas dazai appreciates his.

and about jouno and tachi i truly hope they do that as well. i have a feeling they’re going to use the vampiric ability to heal his eyes or use yosano but i hope instead they have jouno help him adjust to learning to live without sight. it’s always good to have representation of disabilities in media. i think jouno thinks fondly of tachihara, he addressed him in a friendly manner when they reunited in S4. i would love to see more interactions

I GET YOU with the autism part as well. i feel like they would clash a lot just due to being very different in symptom display. id love to see them talk about how confusing people can be together, i feel that would help them get each other a bit. i glad you see the tetchou autism hc as well!!!

YESSS. kenji and tetchou brothers please!! i love the found family trope. kenji is also just super sweet and probably wouldn’t mind any of the strange things tetchou does.

i love your mind. your ideas are so good!!!!!

#asks #bsd #bsd hunting dogs

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amarantine-amirite · 1 year ago

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Mall Rats

I had a difficult time making new friends. The prevailing message of the media landscape was "don't get bullied because there's no way out" made me not trust people.

I'm not joking; it was everywhere. Tales of kids killing themselves because of bullying dominated the news. Celebrities, schools and companies would spout "it gets better" despite bullying victims rarely surviving past the age of 16. Worse still, therapists told bullied kids that they were helpless under a capitalist system to get them to join whatever nefarious plot they cooked up.

Surprisingly enough, I struggled to make new friends because I didn't have my parent's help. Most kids make friends through their parents. Jimmy becomes friends with Reba because Jimmy's mom is friends with Reba's mom. I had to find friends myself because my autism isolated my parents, something that was hard to do because my social skills were so stunted.

I managed to befriend a couple of kids. Sandi and Paetynn were both in drama club and they took in Emily roughly the same time I met them. Emily was one of those types of people that was afraid of literally everything. try to think of the most innocuous thing you can, and she'd be afraid of it.

I figured they were harmless. They weren't popular and they took in two people who struggled to socialize. I was wrong.

Paetynn decided that our friend group had a new rule: we had to have our ears pierced, no exceptions. Sandi and Paetynn already had theirs done, so nothing changed for them. The only change for me was having to wear earrings on a regular basis. I didn't because the only earrings safe to wear in shop class were banned under the dress code. Emily didn't have her ears pierced and she was terrified to get pierced.

"That looks like it could be a creepypasta, and you say you feel OK with it?" Emily quirked an eyebrow.

Sandi chuckled. "Your definition of creepypasta is laughably loose, Em." She said in a mocking tone.

Paetynn chimed in. "I could see where you're coming from if it was somebody like Claire's. But this place is a legit cosmetologist."

"Yeah," I nodded, "It was the place I had mine done." In fact, that was part of the reason why I picked this place. Paetynn made me book the appointment.

Paetynn shook her head with a teasing grin. "Exactly. Judy got her ears pierced here. You have no excuses."

As we approached the entrance to the mall, Emily's heart raced. We soon learned that it wasn't the prospect of getting her ears pierced that made her nervous. It was the hard, shiny walkway that sent shivers down her spine.

"Now, what's the problem?" Sandi rolled her eyes.

Emily pointed to the walkway. "I hate hard shiny floors" she said breathlessly.

Mind you, I get why people get them. Hard shiny floors look good. Hard shiny floors are easy to clean. "What the hell is your problem with the floor?" Paetynn demanded. She lost her patience with Emily.

Emily stood there, looking at Sandi while she ranted, "Hard shiny floors are the perfect catalyst for a brain injury. You can find them everywhere in public places; they are slippery and hard. It's even worse outside because if there's any weather, it's like walking on a skating rink." She tried to run back to the taxi loop, but she slipped on the walkway.

We soon saw what she was talking about.

She didn't hit her head on the ground and split her skull open. Instead, she went for a ride that ended in a 13 foot drop into a sinkhole.

The fall caused her to sprain both ankles. She also landed in a pile of huge rats. She couldn't scream because she didn't want them to jump into her mouth. One of the rats bit her.

Paetynn and Sandi's laughter rang out. "It's not funny! It's traumatic!" Emily protested in a wounded tone. None of us could see it, but I could feel her slowly burst into tears.

Paetynn tried to stifle her laughter, but it bubbled out despite her efforts. "I'm sorry, but that's funny," she managed to say between chuckles.

I walked away. That moment made me realize that I needed new friends.

@witterprompts

#Writing #writers #writers on tumblr #short fiction #short story

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npdbubblygum · 4 years ago

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Hi there, as a lot of people have seen there is a cluster fuck of a post in the npd tag about.. idek how to summarize it except glorifying empathy and villainizing personality disorders. They use narcissist, psychopath, abuser, and lots of degrading words interchangeably so be prepared for that. I won’t @ the person, partially because I don’t want to deal with the headache of them replying and partially because I don’t want to be responsible if they get harassed. They’re in the tag though publicly saying this so you could stumble upon it yourself, be careful and don’t read if it’ll hurt you! Tagged as #long post

It was so long so I decided to pick out the most relevant parts and comment on them.

People who know they have NPD don’t seem to go around calling people “unaware narcissists” as we know it’s difficult to notice and diagnose and increases stigma to do so. That’s something self proclaimed empaths do a lot though. Also, are you in this statement admitting that empaths can come across as self centred and “narcissistic” if people don’t understand what’s happening in their brain?

Personally I don’t feel any hatred for hyperempathetic people, that’s just a neutral trait some people have.

You can’t really say something is the opposite of a whole personality disorder that has several different diagnostic criteria and presents differently in different individuals. Brains aren’t black and white and antisocial PD isn’t only lack of empathy. The word for not being antisocial is prosocial what I know?

People can have compassion without empathy and people can lack compassion while having empathy, and it’s okay to not be loving as long as you aren’t harming people.

You shouldn’t passive aggressively say sorry to us in the same sentence you’re insulting us as “number out husks” and then go on to talk about how weak and cowardly we are. A lot of us had our empathy weaponized against us from such an early age that we had to turn it off to survive. If you value empathy so much, why aren’t you empathizing with that? I don’t really feel anything about it, it’s just a fact, but it’s also a fact that we shouldn’t have had to suffer through so much pain and then be blamed for how our brains developed. Also, if someone was born without empathy or had a traumatic head injury that impacted it they obviously didn’t choose that either. People who can feel a lot of empathy are also often scared of love and people without empathy can hate violence and conflict and have people they value enough to sacrifice themselves.

First of all, people in power are corrupt and become corrupt and are not the same as inventors or philosophers or any other great contributor, secondly those are exceptional people who stand out in history and didn’t have any access to therapy or self help or medication or anything else that helps mentally ill people function and cope. You can’t even go back in time and confirm who feels what level of empathy. People without empathy can also value peace, human lives, safety, etc. I constantly help caring for friends and community regardless of how little I feel about them. I don’t have to feel empathy, sympathy or compassion to do what is right, I can simply choose it, I can hate someone and devalue them and still choose to do what’s best for them.

The concept of empathy isn’t attacked we’re literally just saying we can exist without it and still be worthy human beings and people with empathy can be flawed and selfish still. We literally just want nuance and acceptance so people will have access to help.

Okay who thinks we’re actually out to destroy empathy? Maybe fascists are but come on. In the npd tag? You go into the npd tag thinking we have some kind of agenda to Destroy Empathy? People in society value empathy so much that calling someone empathetic is considered a huge compliment and calling someone unempathetic is an insult.

Fun fact! That’s how a lot of us were made! People literally broke our child-brains by using our empathy as a weapon against us and it was so overwhelming and terrible we couldn’t handle it :^) but yeah call abuse victims weak and pathetic that’s great love that for you

Also, a lot of us have really strong emotions that are incredibly overwhelming, not just a “dried up stream” lol

You talk about empaths needing a shield. Our “shield” was Not Having It.

Still unsure if you mean people with NPD or abusers or abusers with NPD but while there probably exists some people who go out with the intention to cause harm, most narcissists don’t and even most abusers work differently than that, they have a set of beliefs that they think justifies their harm it’s not really “oh how fun to destroy people” in a lot of cases. Of course it is unjustifiable though. I’ve read that abusive people seek out more empathetic people because they’re easier to convince that they can deserve it and often have qualities an abuser values, like a willingness to give more chances and staying quiet about mistreatment because they’d feel guilty or being guilt tripped easily. It’s often more about control than sadism, but sometimes it is sadism. Unempathetic people can also be abused and deserve to have resources.

Intelligence is actually not very easy to define and measure and intellectually disabled people should absolutely be included in that conversation and should absolutely not be called mindless, the mind is way more than the typical definition of intelligence. Heart doesn’t have a set definition and is even more loose than intelligence but if someone doesn’t experience the same types of emotions as me I’d still think they should be able to speak their minds about it.

Oh my god no one is denying the existence of empathy?? It is a well known concept, people study it, people who say they don’t feel it are admitting it exists because that’s what makes them different.

There are so many things to say here.. first of all are you equating npd to abuser again?

Secondly, this is a really toxic mindset. You don’t have to suffer through incredible emotional/psychological pain to be strong. You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to “bear the burden”. If you’re in a situation that is bad for you, please do what you can to leave! You aren’t better or worse for not being able to handle the pain, you shouldn’t have to be in pain.

Thirdly, what do you think a narcissistic injury or crash is? It’s exactly that. Our sense of self and self worth crumbling when our defence mechanism doesn’t work. It’s not funny. It’s awful to go through. We do not have life on easy mode, life is a fucking nightmare, people with npd often have suicide attempts. How can you say any of this while claiming to empathize with people?

People with facial disfigurements have told me that disfigured is the word they want to be called, not deformed. Also, you shouldn’t vilify disfigurement like that, it’s not a bad thing and it’s ableist to use it to insult and to equate it with being an abusive person or having a mental illness. Also calling people monkeys is dehumanizing too. Don’t think you can get away with that.

You are actually correct about empathetic not being the real word - empathic is actually standard English. Not because -pathetic means you’re weak but because -pathic means suffering/experiencing/feeling/being moved by and -pathetic means means being able to move someone else. You’re being super fucking weird about it though.

Your pop culture references weren’t that accurate or relevant and you shouldn’t rely on made up stories to support your point when you’re talking about real psychology. So I won’t include them. I saw some other people already told you they were wrong.

Hopefully no one agrees with any of the shit you wrote it was a pain to make this post but it was eating at me when I tried to leave it alone so here you have it

#long post #ableism #npd #empathy #dehumanization tw #abuse tw

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innovativestruggles · 4 years ago

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Daisuke and Suzue’s Mutual Trust - A Mini Analysis

***(Edited version with additional information re; Daisuke’s parents and Haru)***

Hey gang, so I had this nagging thought to write this awhile back and it just escalated after I watched Episode 10. So now my brain won’t leave me alone until I’ve shared this with you.

I would again, like to reiterate that only FOUR TIMES in the entire 10 episodes of FKBU so far, has Daisuke shown a soft, genuine smile. This man has been incredibly traumatised since childhood. He is apathetic, frustrated and emotionless and essentially an asshole at best. He has lost all reason to smile. The post traumatic stress sits very heavily on him.

Considering how he grew up as a happy kid, it was absolutely heartbreaking when that happiness was taken from him. So to see Daisuke show any type of soften emotion was incredibly profound. It shows a vulnerable side to him, because that side has been severely repressed.

I don’t want to go all social workey on everyone here but I just want to explain something. In those who have experienced significant trauma, they no longer view the world as a safe place. So Daisuke’s suppressed emotions were the only way he saw fit to survive in a ‘hostile world.’ When positive emotions are expressed, it makes the trauma survivor vulnerable. How? Because in Daisuke’s case, as a child, positive emotions were associated with feeling unsafe. He grew up happily along side his parents, only to witness his father murder his mother.

So any time a trauma survivor wants to show positive emotions (be it consciously or subconsciously), they must feel safe, because it makes them vulnerable.

The only four times Daisuke showed any sort of soft, genuine, smile-like emotion were:

When he came home. Given his unstable relationship with Grandma, I can make an educated guess that returning home was not for her or mostly for her. And we are not going to include the butler because that relationship was more professional.

Directly after this scene, Daisuke proceeded to cook for Suzue (and only her). In other words, I can take a guess that he was happy to finally return home to placate Suzue’s worries and be mostly in her company.

When he made food for Suzue. This man was so proud of himself istg ... just look at him .. but y’know, we have seen him with a proud smug face before, but this one was a soft and genuine one.

When he reassured Suzue that he will make it home alive.

When he carried Suzue in the OP

So what am I trying to say?

They are all related to Suzue in some way or another.

Suzue made Daisuke feel safe enough to express vulnerable emotions (in this case, positive ones). Throughout the anime, the dynamics between Suzue and Daisuke were solely based on trust. Daisuke trusted Suzue with his life. He knew she will always be there for him no matter what.

In that above scene where Daisuke reassured Suzue he will return home, Suzue, despite knowing the dangers, trusted him to follow through and keep himself alive. There was a hidden promise in the words he used and the way he said it.

Can I also add something too?

Compare the above two scenes to the two below

What do you see?

Daisuke does NOT like being touched.

Sure, Daisuke was visibly injured in the scenes with Haru, but he was not injured enough that he could no longer fight or walk on his own. What this meant was that Daisuke did not shove Suzue away or remove his hand from hers because he was not physically injured. It meant he has an immense level of trust in her. Daisuke may have initially been uncomfortable and unsure with Suzue’s actions, but he eventually allowed her to remain on him.

(Edit:) I’d like to explain the above part a little better as I realised it can get a bit confusing. Some of you may think that Daisuke pushed Haru away because he was physically weak and injured and therefore vulnerable. Which means you may also think that he did not push Suzue away or remove his hand from hers because he was not physically weak/injured at the time.

This was not the case. Daisuke simply did not like being touched because of his trauma. How did I speculate this? Daisuke was able to fight pretty well, despite being injured, so in essence, if he truly did push Haru away because of his injuries, he should not be able to fight or function for the sake of being physically vulnerable. That would be more of a probable explanation. But instead, Daisuke was still strong enough to walk and push on, which meant the likely explanation to refusing physical assistance was: Daisuke’s trauma

Remember this. Trauma survivors do not often like being touched, particularly when they have witnessed/experienced violence as a child. They view the world as an unsafe place.

(Edit:) So in other words, it was not because of his injuries or physical vulnerable state that made Daisuke push Haru away, it was because he did not like being touched by someone who has not earned that high level of trust. If Suzue was in Haru’s place on that boat scene, Daisuke most likely would have allowed her to assist him because she has earned that high level of trust.

This does not mean Daisuke does not trust Haru. As we saw in Episode 10, Daisuke grew to respect and trust Haru. But not at the level where he was comfortable with being physically touched. That’s literally a whole new level. (And no, a bump into the ass or brush on the shoulder does not count as proper physical touch).

When you have been betrayed as a child, and you view the world as an awful place, the idea of ‘trust’ does not exist. You won’t understand what that means because you will think there is no point in trusting people - they will just betray you. It’s more significant when this breach of trust occurred as a child.

So rebuilding trust for trauma survivors take a very, very long time. They have to learn to trust all over again, and even then, they may not trust just anyone. In Daisuke’s case, he ticked all the above. To have earned that level of respect where a traumatised Daisuke would trust someone with his life, Suzue must be one incredible woman. She must be so damn important to him, even though it may not be obvious all the time.

(Edit:) I’d also like to briefly add something here. There may be other significant reason for the bridal carry in the OP. It may indicate that Daisuke is indeed comfortable enough to have Suzue that (physically) close to him.

Seeing how I have seen quite a lot of anime where there are significant trauma involved as the storyline, I can definitely see the same patterns emerging with FKBU re; Daisuke’s story.

So I would like to end it on something.

In the above scene, Daisuke’s indirect way of showing he cared for Suzue was not out of the ordinary for someone who has been traumatised. There may not be a direct apology (or maybe there was behind the scenes??) we could see, but trauma greatly suppresses proper emotional development (and particularly when it happened to him as a growing child).

So Daisuke may not fully understand the right way to make amends or how to resolve the situation. He may not even think what he did was wrong, so his way of trying to amend things (whether with an apology intended or without), was to make food for Suzue.

Needless to say that Suzue was very forgiving and so extremely patient with him. Patience, support and empathy are key to supporting trauma survivors. Fuck. The more I analyse this, the more I realise how deeply profound Daizue’s relationship is ❤️

EDIT:

Daisuke’s Parents and Haru

Someone asked me a very interesting question about Daisuke’s trauma, his father and the photo frame of his parents on his bedside table.

Without delving too much into the complexity of trauma, the likely plausible explanation would be that Daisuke still has some form of attachment and love for his father. Trauma survivors can still love the person who betrayed them, despite holding a grudge towards them at the same time. It is not an unusual/uncommon thing. This would be a lot more significant for those who experienced childhood trauma. So to me, it sounded like Daisuke loved and got along well with both his parents.

The picture on his bedside table may be a representation of what he has lost - a happy childhood, so he still kept it there, not necessarily as a reminder, but as a form of subconscious attachment he has for his parents.

Haru vs Daisuke

The same person also queried about the differing traumas between these two. Whilst it is never an appropriate thing to compare traumas, I’m happy to explain this for the sake of understanding.

Haru’s trauma occurred during a one off incident that ended up spiralling into some form of post traumatic stress. Whilst we do not know about Haru’s past, based on his personality and some tiny hints along the way, Haru most likely grew up in a relatively normal family. So Haru was able to bounce back and overcome his trauma relatively well (as we saw in Episode 10, he finally fired a gun!).

Daisuke, however, is a different story. Daisuke’s trauma is extremely complex because of the age he experienced it, and the type as well. Trauma involving close families that end up in violence and murder is one of the biggest betrayals of trust, particularly for a child.

As I stated earlier, Daisuke no longer viewed the world as a safe place. His trauma was deeply ingrained and it shaped his emotional development and his interactions with others. If you look at Grandma and both Daisuke’s parents, you can see that they were relatively ‘normal’ in terms of emotional development. That is, you can see that they showed more varied emotions and their interactions with others were not ... weird.

But if you compare them with adult Daisuke, it is very different. Immediately you can say that there is definitely something wrong with him. And I am not talking about how he grew up rich, because that is a separate thing. I am talking more about his emotional responses to people.

#i solemnly swear i shall never bring my work life into analysing character trauma ever again #but i also solemnly swear that i cannot promise this #because my brain just goes into overdrive when it detects trauma in a character #suffice to say the story creators did a great job in depicting trauma #i really love the subtle hints in it #it makes it really real #and gives an accurate representation of what living with ptsd is like #the more i do this psychoanalysing shit the more i just love daizue #their rship is just so out there #omfg #ah fuck so many grammatical errors and typos #sozzies i cbf fixing it loool #daisuzu #daizue #daisuke kambe #suzue kambe #balance unlimited

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cyclopstm · 4 years ago

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DISABILITY && MENTAL HEALTH

This post will cover items such as disabilities, mental health, PTSD and trauma in relation to Scott. These are things which are either canon for him, or headcanons I want to pay more attention to on my blog.

I do not have any personal experience with any of the items I will address in this post, which means that most (if not all) of my information is gained through reading and research online. If there are items I missed out on or have described incorrectly, you may contact me about this to kindly help me figure out a new/better way to put things into words. It’s in no way my intention to upset anyone, or bring forth wrong information.

To me, it just feels like Scott is a good opportunity to improve the representation of characters and people who deal with visual impairment because the narrative that disability is binary caused that most blind characters in popular media have no vision at all. Blind characters in heroic roles like Daredevil, have powers that completely compensate for their blindness while blind people who don’t have these compensations are usually portrayed as helpless.

As a team leader and a superhero, Scott offers a good opportunity to include people who are visually impaired, yet often ignored or left out of the heroic narrative.

Needless to say, do NOT reblog this post && don’t interact with it if you’re not a RP blog.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS : 1. Scott’s brain trauma and injury 2. Scott’s PTSD during his youth 3. Symptoms and signs of PTSD for Scott 4. Scott is (legally) blind 5. Scott cannot distinguish colours 6. How Scott deals with his visual impairment 7. The X-Mansion and dealing with trauma 8. Additional notes

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1. SCOTT’S BRAIN TRAUMA AND INJURY When Scott was a young boy, he went on a travel with his parents and his little brother Alex. The family’s private jet was ambushed by an alien Shi’ar scouting ship. The boys lost their parents on that unfortunate day and in the crash, Scott took a hit to the head after his mutant powers manifested for the first time and allowed Scott to break his fall and allow him and Alex to survive. The head injury Scott suffered on that day would permanently disable the part of Scott’s brain which would have enabled him to control his optic blasts. Additionally, Scott (as well as Alex) suffered traumatic amnesia regarding the accident. Unlike his brother, Scott was forced to remain hospitalized for up to a year.

As a teenager, Scott began to suffer from severe headaches and he was sent to a specialist (Mr. Sinister in disguise) who provided him with lenses made of ruby-quartz. Scott’s mutant power erupted from his eyes as an uncontrollable blast of optic force and the only means to control it ever since have been the ruby-quartz lenses Sinister gave him. Sinister knew the lenses would help due to experiments and research he had been doing on the boy while Scott lived at the orphanage where Sinister had feigned being the owner.

2. SCOTT’S POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER DURING HIS YOUTH After losing his parents and waking up alone at the hospital after the plane crash, Scott was placed in the State Home for Foundlings, an orphanage in Omaha (Nebraska) where he was subjected to batteries of tests and experiments by the orphanage’s owner, Mr. Milbury (alias, Mr. Sinister). He placed mental blocks on Scott and took on the role of ‘Lefty’, who was Scott’s roommate and bully at the orphanage. During his time spent at the orphanage, Scott was subjected to several occasions which would leave him traumatized — such as the attempt of one of the other orphaned boys at taking his own life, and Scott’s failed attempt at saving him. Any time anyone came close to adopting Scott, Sinister intervened.

At some point, Scott demolished a crane with his optic blast, by accident. He had saved a crowd of people by using his blast again to destroy the crane before it would crush the people, but they believed he was out to kill them and chased the young mutant boy. Scott woke the attention of a mutant criminal who sought to use Scott’s powers in his crimes, but abused the kid when Summers refused. At that time, he had also attracted the attention of Charles Xavier who tracked down Scott and took him in as the first of his team of X-Men...

3. SYMPTOMS OF SCOTT’S PTSD — Reliving the traumatic event (during his childhood) :: as a boy, Scott was fond of airplanes and dreamed of becoming a pilot himself one day. But when he was taken to an air show by one of the orphanage’s nurses, he had a violent traumatic reaction in the middle of the show, reciting things he otherwise doesn’t consciously remember. — Negative Thoughts and Feelings :: Scott often deals with feelings of anger, guilt, fear or numbness. He’s prone to blame himself for things going wrong on missions with the X-Men. When someone comes to pass, he’s quick to take up responsibility and the blame for it, and occasionally even deals with survivor’s guilt. Scott also feels cut off from his friends and family and hardly keeps much interest for day-to-day activities. He hardly does them to relax, but rather only when they become necessary. — Avoidance :: Scott feels like he has to keep busy at all times, he doesn’t want to think or talk about anything in relation to his past, feels emotionally cut off from his feelings, struggles to express his emotions or affection towards others and thus comes across as numb and cold and very serious and occasionally does risky things which could be self-destructive or reckless. He’s often the first in line to sacrifice himself for the X-Men not only because he’s their leader, but also because he has little to no value for his own life. — Disturbed sleep and lack of sleep. — Taking risks and hypervigilance. — Intrusive thoughts. — Nightmares. — Trust issues. — “No one understands.”-mentality. — The sense of never being at peace.

4. SCOTT IS (LEGALLY) BLIND While Scott was born with perfectly normal eyesight, and perfect vision, he no longer has the ability to see without his ruby-quartz lenses ever since his optic blasts came to manifest. Only ruby-quartz can keep the optic blasts under control, meaning that any other means of vision such as regular glasses or lenses would not be of help for Scott. Scott literally can’t see without his ruby-quartz shades. Opening his eyes would prove incredibly destructive to his nearest surroundings.

Someone who is completely blind can’t see any light or form. Of the people with eye disorders, only about 15% can see nothing at all. If you’re legally blind, you can still see, just not that clearly. Normal vision is 20/20. That means you can clearly see an object 20 feet away. If you’re legally blind, your vision is 20/200 or less in your beter eye or your field of vision is less than 20 degrees.

In addition to being unable to distinguish colors due to the red tint in his glasses, they also reduce his low-light vision, which means Scott deals with low vision.

5. SCOTT CANNOT DISTINGUISH COLOURS I’m not using the term colorblindless in this post for the main reason that Google gives me too many search results in relation to racism, and I do not intend to use a term that has a double meaning that could be taken the wrong way.

Scott’s ruby-quartz lenses cause him to see the world through a veil of red. The lenses are tinted in red which alters Scott’s general, every day perception of the world. He sees the world in shades of grey, white, black and red and can no longer distinguish any other colours. Maybe rather than ‘colourblindness’, Scott deals with something alike to monochromacy. Though, Scott’s monochromacy is perhaps not of a kind that has been officially diagnosed in real life cases before.

The comics and movies rarely acknowledge Scott’s eyesight aside from him claiming to have an ‘eye condition’ as an excuse for him to wear sunglasses all the time. Scott’s adaptations to being unable to distinguish different colours would be mostly rather subtle and maybe it doesn’t inherently add onto the story a comic book or movie wants to tell, but they shouldn’t be ignored in how I wish to bring Scott in my writing...

6. HOW SCOTT DEALS WITH HIS VISUAL IMPAIRMENT — High contrast text and browser extensions for reading. — Color coding his outfits. He labels them with what color they are and organizes his closet by items that go together. — As a prodigy at billiards, Scott has a special billiards set adjusted to his specific needs. — Large prints for letters, books, digital fonts, etc. — Increased brightness on any of his devices’ screens. — Assistance from ‘self-driving’ tech when flying the Blackbird or riding his motorcycle. He knows the majority of controls through muscle memory by now. — Assistive technology to improve contrast, especially at night. — Scott owns a touch-based Rubik’s Cube. — Help from his closest friends.

7. THE X-MANSION AND DEALING WITH TRAUMA Scott and Ororo both (among others), are hyper aware of the traumas some of their students have experienced. They recognize behaviours and reactions in trauma survivors because they have been in such a position themselves as well. They made sure the school has a clear set of rules and policies on the safety and comfort of students. The school faculty received training in mental health first aid, there’s places students can retreat to when they feel anxious or suffer from power meltdown.

People like Scott, Jean and Rogue would know how to handle students who have gone through different types of abuse. As trauma survivors themselves, they’d take extra steps to reassure students who have every reason to distrust adults. They would announce themselves when approaching students from behind, maintain wide personal space bubbles and refrain from initiating physical contact such as hugs or touching students without asking them first. They see there’s no use in raising your voice to the kids, and won’t tollerate any kind of jokes about trauma. Scott is rumoured to be very strict on the rules of the house concerning mental health.

8. ADDITIONAL NOTES While Scott is aware that there is no shame in any of what he deals with every day, he still keeps it under wraps a lot. He doesn’t ever want for his visual impairment or his trauma to become his only and main personality trait other people associate with him. This is why a lot of people may not even know that he is dealing with these things on the daily. He’s very subtle about everything and only those who get to know him better may begin to see and notice things which indicate that he’s disabled. Scott has grown so adjusted to living with his disabilities that they commonly no longer cause him trouble.

The only people who know Scott is visually impaired because he told them himself are Charles (confidant and father-figure), Jean (lover, the person he maybe trusts more than anyone else), Hank (as the resident scientist), Ororo (as his fellow team leader) and Emma Frost (as his therapist).

Scott has been able to take therapy sessions with Charles during his early years, and later on with Emma Frost. Jean has also helped him an incredibly great deal on coping with his trauma and PTSD, lack of self-esteem and dealing with his emotions and expressing them more openly.

To this day, Scott still suffers from migraines and occasional moments of memory loss. His brain injury does not always allow him to maintain or store knowledge accurately. His migraines are a result of his optic blast building up surplus energy. When Scott can’t use his optic blast regularly, he will build up a surplus energy which manifests into migraines.

#( META. )#( SAVED. )#tw ptsd #tw mental health #tw disability #tw trauma #tw abuse

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icasttourniquet · 4 years ago

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Can Your Character Survive... Altered Mental Status

Character E is confused. She thinks she's talking to someone besides Character F and accidentally admits that she has a crush on F while F is treating her injury. Oops.

Or, F is trying to get E out of the enemy base and E keeps laughing when F shushes her, attracting the attention of the guards

Whether for comedy or tension, altered mental status can add a fun wrinkle to your plot. But, what causes altered mental status and how do you make sure E survives?

STOPEATS

The big kahuna of the altered mental status world is the acronym STOPEATS. If it makes your brain go a bit wonky, it's probably included in STOPEATS.

Sugar

If E is a diabetic and lost track of her sugar intake, she could suffer from altered mental status as a part of hyperglycemia. If F knows E has diabetes, he can hopefully guess at the cause of her confusion and help her take her medication, or get her to a hospital.

Temperature

When the body gets really cold or really hot, the brain can stop working right. In fact, altered mental status is a key sign of being hypothermic vs. just cold. Ditto with heat stroke. Hopefully, the environment makes if obvious to F what is causing E's weird behavior. He can treat her by bringing her out of the cold or heat.

Oxygen

youtube

Hypoxia occurs when the brain is starved of oxygen, such as at a high altitude. It is most common in mountain climbers and pilots, such as the one in this video who reports having "no control" of his aircraft but otherwise, is not concerned at all about the situation. Astronomers may also suffer from hypoxia on occasion.

XKCD 1463: Altitude

Hypoxic people behave as if drunk. They are often euphoric, may speak slowly, and will act confused. The key treatment for high-altitude hypoxia is reducing altitude ASAP. In the video, you can hear the air traffic controller trying to coax the pilot lower. He knows he doesn't need the pilot to land—as soon as he can breathe a little better, he'll remember how to fly be able to land himself.

Pressure

If a brain injury causes bleeding in the skull, that blood has nowhere to go and can build up pressure. This causes the brain to lose functioning and is called intracranial pressure (ICP). It's the worst type of traumatic brain injury (TBI) besides one that just kills E outright.

If E is suffering from ICP, she'll probably be confused and behaving erratically. She may have gaps in her memory as well. Most likely, she'll also report "the worst headache of my life"—literally. In training, we were told to look out for that exact phrase when diagnosing head taumas. In later stages of ICP, E may also vomit, a lot.

Treatment involves getting to surgery ASAP so a doctor can cut open her skull and relieve some of the pressure. For obvious reasons, that is not something we attempt in the field.

Electricity

I'll be honest: I think they just wanted the acronym to work when they made this one E. What they actually mean in most cases is seizures. The classic seizure is a grand mal seizure, which involves the muscles tensing, twitching, etc. But seizures come in all shapes and sizes. For some, a seizure might mean smelling something that isn't there, or hearing music, or a single twitching muscle. Because seizures are unauthorized electrical activity in the brain, they can cause disorientation and erratic behavior.

Often, coming out of a seizure can be quite disorienting too. If F is helping E through a seizure, he should first try to prevent her from harming herself. If she's banging her head against the wall, that means putting a hand or pillow there. If she's near a table, that means moving the table. (NO sitting on / restraining people with seizures and NO putting stuff in their mouth! No! Why? You want them to choke? No!). As she recovers, F can remain calm, help her understand what happened if she needs it, and get her further care if requested.

Altitude

As with temperature, both very high and very low altitudes can cause brain problems (if you are beginning to suspect the brain is just a picky organ, you'd be correct). Scuba divers who ascend too quickly can suffer from nitrogen narcosis, which can lead to euphoria, confusion, memory loss, difficulty concentration, etc. (all classic signs of altered mental status).

If E goes too high, say, on a mountain, she could suffer from High-Altitude Cerebral Edema (HACE—controversial opinion but high-altitude stuff has all the good acronyms and names, HACE being but one example). It occurs when the brain swells at a high altitude and leads to confusion, lethargy, and a headache.

Luckily, as with most high-altitude problems, it can be solved quickly by going lower. When in doubt, on a mountain, taking the patient to a lower altitude is probably a good idea.

Toxins

Alcohol, LSD, marijuana, morphine—drugs cause altered mental status, as can bites or stings from venemous animals.

There are as many ways to treat toxins as there are toxins, maybe more, so I leave you with a fun fact the majority of snake bites in the US are people who tried to pick up the snakes.

In the words of Mod N's WFR instructor: "Red near black? Who cares. It's a snake. Why are you messing with snakes?"

Salt

Salt concentrations across cell membranes is one way nutrients travel into and out of cells. If E's blood suddenly has way less salt (electrolytes) than normal, this causes all the nutrients to flow out of her cells and into her blood, starving her organs. Brains run on salt and not having enough salt makes... neurons fire different? Stop firing? Something scientific and complicated. For our purposes: not enough salt = brain go weird.

This is called hyponatremia and is my favorite of all the STOPEATS ailments. Hyponatremic people behave as if drunk. The treatment is to 1) stop chugging water, 2) stop competing in your high-endurance sport (and therefore stop sweating), and 3) drink / eat something salty.

Conclusion

Give your characters altered mental statuses. It will be fun. I promise.

The most easily treatable problems that make brain go weird are: hypoxia and high-altitude cerebral edema.

Please write more characters with hyponatremia.

#ict #cycs #altered mental status #stopeats #writing advice #writing tips #hyponatremia #hypoxia #wilderness medicine

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captainkurosolaire · 4 years ago

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~Update

Just a mega OOC blog synopsis for the future entails.

Think this shall be my norm wrapping up a month with updating or least attempt to unless something comes up. ------ Achieved a great bit this month though, however, my goals are still much grander and higher than this. Most likely, I’ll be trying for Seven Chapters a month, something of that number, I haven’t confirmed with myself whether to do halve in the first two-weeks or save and burst. Debating also if I do smaller doses which means, I’ll get to quality it up better. Or I can take quantity and actual move the story along these next parts are essentially the quarter-stone, to introduction to crewmates, NPC crew recruitment, dramatic affairs, outright Scourges of the Seas which essentially in my building are these tyrant of pirate crew’s that all will have their own structures, organizations, purposes, powers. Lot of them essentially build up to the Captain confronting his past now in broad-light and gradually get him back to everything that matters. Quality is often a preferred recommendation I’d say, but the bulk of what I need to tell and thing is hugely massive since it’ll span for a longtime. More reason why I need to get my mind and health mastered so I can effortlessly do quality in one sit. I’ve been having a blast doing a daily challenge of photo-sets but I’ll probably put that on hold until I get my story pictures captured as a reward to myself, then I’ll resume. Mainly was utilized to train myself in learning a bit better how to capture stuff, I want to add more visualizations and emotions for my writes. With the upcoming Crew NPC’s they’re all going to have their own functional emotions and weights.My lofty goal outright is to give them sort of a karma system and before [Huge Massive Thrillers] They’ll be determined by Captain’s rolls and decisions and overall since I’ll make a whole grid, they’ll unlock benefits or they’ll succumb more injuries dependent on the Captain’s ability to captivate or sour them. Also got plans to have them unlock their own side-quests and additional things of that nature. I figured if I can write out an entire tabletop game of sixty classes and thirty races and stats alongside world building with that, or DM for groups. I can manage to siphon those passionate antics into my newest. Genre of NPC Crew is going to be an assorted and wild cast that’s largely because think it’ll do service for allowing Captain to display a more healthy arrange of emotions and show sides I normally couldn’t write out or do in previous. By having this assembled cast I get to do more dramatic scenes and relationships not just with the Captain either, but them in a fullness. ------ My goal before the end of the year is to reach the story arc where I do Budokai 3, unlike previously, this one will be hardcore piracy symbolic. Tribunal. It’ll be a type of match stipulation unique, I’ll say... The result, potentially will start something incidentally that’ll spiral a downturn. Next year the goal is the meat and bones. I’ll be aiming for this huge massive War Arc. It’ll be bloody and gory, traumatic, there will be treaties and all sorts of other crew’s splayed out, islands, all kinds of world building on the big vast blue.This one threat is so massive it’ll take literally everything to overcome and accommodate for the Captain to prevail, if does. Going to be losses and all sorts of fallen death’s. Most my writes going forward are going to have a tag #reader discretion advised that’ll opt you out as option. When we get to overwhelming TW things I’ll do my best to actually put those appropriately with thoughts. We just got to remember we’re still reading and following a Pirate background it’s not supposed to be forgiving in a life that’s constant tides. Though I sort of going to throw again in a lot of ranging emotions and these cast of characters I’ve brewed, they should suffice. Might start off a bit bland in conception but narrative going to allow that to be a driver and let them flourish and bloom on their own to intensify their backgrounds. Also I been scouring for certain mods or just tweaks to get their designs in mind, I’ll probably make alternative costumes as my roomie joked I should give them as a symbolization they unlocked their next stage of perk for the reader. xD As they progress so does the Crew and that’s overall the ambitiously main part that’ll be exciting. Unlocking tag-team techniques, finishing blows to overwhelming enemies, new abilities and perks, resolves of conflicts that won’t just follow our normal character’s narrative since I’m giving reasoning for shine and progress while allow my character to be freed for other narratives, threads and ships all those are paramount for the War. Everything is a factor. ------ Still chipping at threads nearly catching up so I’ll get more taken. I’m working on actually getting decent at couple-posing so I can properly do probably actual ships. Imagine a pirate not having them actively going, I have an excuse why not to do nearly as much NSFW for this blog for this particular character despite how shameless and provocative this character really is but I chose a latter option. Anyway, probably won’t just me strictly romantic too, I’ll see if people want to collaborate for platonic or any-kind. Or if want the means just to take photo’s of Captain either whether it’s slaughter or w/e just poke in DM. I’ll be working on getting better continuously though. ------ Closing ------ Congratulations to all the people who competed and participated on the FFXIVWrite though so many killer talents and writers. I’ll work on creating a que and system for that to allow me to boost those as well in some time-gaps, when I find the time. Want to create a tag for it. Also my bad on highlight tags. I’d like to be able to comment pacifically more life on each thing with comments, though my brain is a jumbled wire often, I feel like a robot beep-bop. Though lots of glorious blogs and characters I want to showcase and give back especially for the people that have ventured with me this long. Lot’s I’ve seen and notice and appreciate em’ and new people too that are beginning their ascension into this community or refuges my goal is to hoist them directly up. As Captain eventually is too learning that is something important for him to understand fundamentally for him to achieve where all dream’s lay and reside. Ideally it’s introducing people to blog’s too for following or potential contacts. ------- Cheers, hearties. Last Update

#end of month update #goals etc #this probably be my ending month thing #part of the whole transparent #this is long #Tales of the Goldbrand #Reach better soon I swear lol

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eds-zebra-warrior · 4 years ago

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2021 Ehlers Danlos Society Awareness Month (Day 3 Prompt: Symptoms)

Unbeknownst to most people in the community and even many in the medical community as most medical personnel never learned about EDS in school or if they have were only taught the very most basic information about it but Ehlers Danlos Syndrome is a systemic condition and predisposes those with it to over 250 other conditions so it's not unusual for someone with EDS to have 20, 30 or even more other conditions caused by it which are called comorbid conditions or comorbidities.

EDS is a genetic condition that affects the structure of connective tissue. There are multiple types of connective tissue but there are also multiple types of EDS so one or more types of connective tissue can be impacted. Connective tissue also makes up at least part of every part of the body so when your connective tissue is faulty and prone to damage that also means so is everywhere connective tissue is located including but not limited to the skin, cartilage, the brain, heart, lungs, GI system, liver, kidneys, bladder, Mesentery system which is the stringy organ that is around your abdominal organs that eases then and holds them in place, lymph nodes, lymph ducts, nerves, blood vessels, blood cells, nerves, bones, bone marrow, joints, tendons, ligaments, muscle sheathing, eyes, ears, nails, hair follicles, spinal cord, sweat glands, respiratory system etc. You name it, it contains connective tissue so anything can go wrong with any part of the body leaving many patients diagnosed with conditions such as conversion disorder, meaning that all of your symptoms are in your head and you're fine for years and more often, decades because we usually get diagnosed with a lot of these comorbidities before we finally find that one doctor who can put the pieces together and say, this isn't in your head, you have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and those other conditions are very real because EDS is what caused all of them.

Now that we have discussed comorbidities I have dealt with countless symptoms over my life. As a kid it started with chronic pain, migraine headaches, and issues resulting from a compromised immune system because I caught everything going around and usually more than once. I don't remember a holiday as a kid where I wasn't sick or hurt. I was extremely clumsy, unable to run correctly until high-school with the very extensive help of my gym teacher. I was always falling, rolling my ankle, and just in general looking awkward with my body movements. I had multiple gym teachers who would agree that there was something physically wrong with me long before I could get any doctors to listen to my mom or as an adult, myself. I had to take special reading and writing classes because even to this day I cannot hold a pencil well or write with control because my fingers are too hypermobile to control a pencil so my writing is often illegible. I had a very severe failure to thrive, also called juvenile dwarfism, not even growing an inch between the ages of 2 and 12. My parents were told when I was 2 years old that I would be 6’4’’because I was so tall as at one and two years old that people would criticize my mom for carrying me out in public thinking I was 4 or 5 years old when I was only a year or two years old. I was 3’2” from the age of 2 to the age of 12 and of course when I was 12 I was extremely short and was bullied for my size as well as my weight which increased due to inflammation from undiagnosed celiac disease. There were multiple incidences with medical personnel and social workers as a kid because I always had such severe bruising all over my body and they believed I was abused. I didn't lose my teeth, losing only one on my own and at the age of 8 my dentist began pulling out my teeth which left me with dental crowding and requiring braces which were removed prematurely. I dealt with Learning disabilities and have been in glasses since age 4. I would pass out all the time as a kid, starting at 8 years old.

Bullying was a huge issue for me as a kid because I was socially awkward showing signs of OCD as well as being more mature than my peers due to my medical experiences and history with my siblings that forced me to grow up more quickly. That combined with issues such as my clumsiness and height made me the perfect target for bullying. I got what I believe was my first Traumatic Brain Injury when I was 9 years old while hanging upside down on the monkey bars. My bully had another student who had Down Syndrome, climb to the top of the monkey bars and lift my legs so I fell off onto my head.

My second was in the 6th grade. The same bully would bully other kids to help her bully a bigger target of hers which was me. One day I was at my locker between classes. Our lockers were assigned in alphabetical order by last name, of course my bully's last name came right before mine so her locker was directly to the left of mine. My mom tried to get it changed but the school refused. She shoved me down between classes while I was exchanging my books and the two kids with the locker to the right of mine she had help her roll me onto my stomach on the ground, one sat on my butt and held my feet down, the other sat on my back and held my arms down under her feet. my bully yanked my head up so my forehead was on the floor of my locker and I was trying to get out so she had the girl on my back use one of her hands to hold my head down. My bully then kicked my locker door shut on my head over and over again and I went unconscious. There were two teachers in the hall at the time but they just waked into the classroom when it started. I woke up and the hall was empty. I went to the office and told them I needed them to call my mom, I needed to go home and explained what happened. They called my mom and instead of telling her the truth they told her she needed to pick me up because I was acting strange. She came and got me and found out what happened getting me treatment.

She then took me to the school a few days later since the doctor didn't want me to return for so long (I apologize I don't remember a lot from the two weeks following this so I'm going off what I was told so the exact time I was out of school, I believe was around two weeks but I'm not sure. Anyhow at the school, we met with the principal and office staff who denied any teachers were in the hall or that any of this happened. My mom demanded to see the recordings on the cameras as a hall came in at a T right behind my locker so that camera faced my locker as well as one at each end of the hall my locker was in. They tried to tell her all three cameras were broken. My mom wasn't buying it so they tried then saying the recordings were gone. they went round and round and the school flat out refused to show her the video. My mom demanded that the girl who did this be punished because she has been asking for the school to help me since I was in the first grade and this girl started bullying me but they always fail to do anything.

They tried to then give me an in school suspension which my mom refused to let them do. They still went behind her back when I returned and made me take peanut butter sandwiches to the kids in detention during my lunch as punishment because they were mad my mom came in to question the incident. They refused to punish my bully in any way and when my mom demanded to know why, they said her mom and grandmother graduated from the school so she has a lot of history with the school which years later we found out after me and 9 other kids that I know of and who knows how many others, ended up being pulled out of the same school because of her bullying that having history at the school actually turned out to mean, she was black and they would not punish her because of her color. At the end of the school year my mom pulled me out of the school not sure what to do since back then they didn't have any kind of free online schooling so pretty much everything costed money which is when my grandma stepped up and told my mom she would help because there was no way I would be going back to deal with more bullying.

I had a ton of intestinal issues having to start colonics at around 10 years old and get my first colonoscopy around the same time. As a teen I really went down hill, struggling to eat because I had very severe nausea and cramping pain upon eating which made many of my friends believe I was anorexic but I went years without being diagnosed with gastroparesis. I started having thyroid issues and finally diagnosed with food allergies at age 14, Chest pain, palpitations, arrhythmias and trouble breathing around age 15 and seizures and cardiac arrest events at age 17.

At age 19, right before starting college I lost the ability to walk with no reason why and was sent to physical therapy to learn to walk again. The hospital visits continued in college from the seizures, emergencies from my thyroid levels going sky high or bottoming out, I started having issues with low sugar, rectal bleeding and more GI and Muscular Skeletal issues that again came to the attention of a physical education professor I had in college. The cardiac arrests continued to happen and I got an emergency pacemaker put in at age 23. Also lost the ability to walk a second time and re learned during this time.

After graduating and starting working I really went down hill. My nerve pain got so bad I could hardly tolerate it and had a lot of issues with muscle spasticity. Passing out and dizzy spells got worse, seizure meds aren't working muscle weakness got again worse in my legs and I started literally wondering if I was dying, I had such severe fatigue that I slept every moment I wasn't working, bleed very badly during my period or with just mild trauma worrying my dentist so badly that he sent a letter to my doctor suggesting a possible bleeding disorder. I was going into shakes from low sugar and low sodium frequently but at the time had no idea why I would start shaking multiple times a day. Myoclonic epilepsy started and has progressively gotten worse, Dystonia started up, I started getting intestinal obstructions more often and more gastroparesis symptoms with the nausea and vomiting, sometimes cyclic vomiting. I developed a limp and went onto forearm crutches which eventually progressed to paralysis.

I have always had issues with dislocations of joints and spinal manifestations like scoliosis, Craniocervical and Atlantoaxial instability. I’m prone to non cancerous masses that could be cancerous one day including masses in my breasts, heals and between the vertebrates in my spine. My memory has deteriorated and I now have issues which I call temporary blindness when I turn my head a certain way which pinches my already compressed brainstem kinking it off so my vision is interrupted. With Systemic Mastocitosis I deal with allergic reaction type symptoms such as anaphylaxis, overproduction of mucus, coughing, hives, swelling, rashes, itching, hot flashes, flushing and more. I overheat and have hyperhidrosis. I have muscle spasms from the paralysis, dry mouth from the meds, in addition to the heart arrhythmias and trouble controlling my body temperature from the damage to my autonomic nervous system failure I have swelling of my abdomen, extreme thirst, bladder retention, abdominal cramping and more.

There are endless symptoms associated with EDS and it’s comorbidities which has a huge impact on your social life. You can't do the things you used to do and may come up with new hobbies and later deal with the grief associated with losing the ability to do those hobbies, in turn having to find new hobbies. You lose all or almost all of your friends because they don't like what you have become, the things you used to be able to do with them and no longer can, they don't understand if you need to cancel plans, when you lose the ability to drive they drop you cold because they don't want to pick you up many of us deal with the realization of how badly we wanted friends growing up due to our social awkwardness that resulted from our illness, time spent in the hospital, maturing more quickly, as well as the result of decades of medical abuse and neglect which in most of us has resulted in complex PTSD.

Almost all EDS patients are either on the Autism Spectrum, diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which some associate with social awkwardness and also the intense need for us to please people meaning many EDS patients were known as extremely hard and dedicated workers when working or in school as well as very dedicated to friends and families. We basically give our friends the clothes off of our backs meaning that most of us unknowingly befriend people who use us and are in take take take relationships where we give everything we have into a friendship or relationship while the other person gives little back resulting in most of us losing all or almost every friend we had when we get sick and no longer have anything to give. When we are no longer able to do for others those people quickly jump ship leaving us with no friends. Most of us have this very similar personality type due to our history of growing up quickly along with the shared comorbidity of Autism, OCD, and Complex PTSD.

There are countless symptoms associated with EDS and they are different for each individual. Even in my case alone these are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to symptoms I have experienced alone so EDS isn't an easy condition to live with physically or emotionally and the diagnosis can be quite the pill to swallow with little understanding from friends, sometimes family or even the medical community.

#MyEDSChallenge #MyHSDChallenge

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eldritchsurveys · 4 years ago

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984.

1. When was the last time someone saw you naked? >> That’s a good question. Sparrow sees me in various states of undress sometimes, but I don’t remember the last time I was fully naked long enough to be seen by anyone. The only time I’m nude is when I’m in the shower or putting on moisturiser directly after said shower (which I do in my room).

2. If you could bring someone back from the dead and spend an hour with them, who would it be and what would you do/say? >> I don’t want to do this. I wouldn’t want to do that to the person, either, like... that sounds traumatic as fuck. (Now, if it were an Inworld type of situation, that’d be way different.)

3. What is the greatest loss you’ve endured? >> Various aspects of myself, I guess. But maybe they’re not truly lost. I have no way of knowing right now.

4. How would you describe your current mood? >> Neutral. I am rarely in an actual mood of any sort when I get this question, obviously -- I tend to only do surveys when I’m in this state, because it’s hard to focus on survey questions (or anything, really) if I’m actively having an emotion.

5. When was the last time you did something you were embarrassed by? >> I don’t remember.

6. What was the last thing you lied about? >> I don’t know, lying isn’t something I normally do -- unless lying by omission counts, because I don’t say literally everything that I’m thinking or tell everyone literally everything about a situation. Or whatever.

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex? >> Inworld.

8. What is your earliest memory? >> I have a vague impression of being on the floor of a dog breeder’s house? When we got my childhood dog Roxie, I guess.

9. Do you ever drink or get high alone? >> I often drink alone just because I’m in the house alone during the times when I’m most likely to drink. I like to just vibe, and not have to worry about “putting on my human suit” or whatever. Sometimes I like to be weird and dreamy or dance-y and vibrant when I’m intoxicated and I like to have space to do that.

10. What type of a drunk are you? >> I don’t know, I haven’t been drunk in a long time. I think at this point in my life I’m probably just a sleepy, cranky drunk. Which is partly why I don’t drink nearly enough to get there, lol.

11. What song (or a few songs, whatever) means a lot to you and why? >> Death is the Road to Awe means a lot to me because The Fountain as a whole means a lot to me and the music is a big part of that whole yarn-ball of meaningfulness. It’s something I really can’t explain. The feelings I have about the movie and the song are on the “this is actually kind of painful in its intensity” level of emotional connection.

12. When was the last time you revealed your feelings for someone? Were they accepted or rejected? >> I don’t remember. Revealing my feelings isn’t a common activity here in Mordredland, as I’m sure is obvious, and I rarely have any remarkable (or share-able) feelings about people anyway.

13. What was the reason behind your last visit to the hospital? >> I think the last time I was in a hospital was when Sparrow’s sister had her child.

14. How do you tend to deal with a breakup? >> ---

15. What is the “worst” drug you’ve done? Are there any you will never try, or any you want to try? >> I don’t classify drugs this way, so I don’t know how to answer this question. The drug I know I will never try is crack, and a drug I am interested in trying is shrooms.

16. What is something you’ve done that you truly regret? >> ---

17. What does it mean to you to be a good person? Do you feel you are a good person? >> I am uninterested in the “good person” designation. I just want to be valuable to and loved by a few people, maybe. That’d be nice.

18. What is your philosophy on life/how do you generally choose to live or conduct yourself? >> I don’t think I have an overall life philosophy, because that seems terribly impractical at best. Life is so complex. Maybe that’s a philosophy -- rejoice in and value the complexity of life. *shrug*

19. Do you view animals as being just as important as people? Why or why not? >> Hmm. I think a living thing should be allowed to live out its life and not be abused or willfully subjected to conditions that disrupt its quality of life. That’s really it, though.

20. When was the last time you were up all night and why? >> I don’t remember the last time that happened.

21. What is the worst thing you’ve done to yourself? What is the worst thing someone else has done to you? >> I don’t know what the worst thing I’ve done to myself is, but one not-great thing I’ve done to myself is become a chronic self-injurer. One not-great thing someone else has done to me is, well, I don’t know, physically abuse me repeatedly?

22. What is the most personal thing you’re willing to reveal? >> I’m not sure.

23. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? >> The fact that he emotionally abused me, probably. That’ll do it.

24. Is there a situation or person you haven’t been able to get over/forgive? >> There are a lot of things I haven’t “gotten over” because their traumatic nature changed the way I am as a person and now I have to deal with that. I don’t really see a point in forgiveness, personally -- what I do see a point is forgiving myself and treating myself better than I’ve been treated.

25. Who was the last person to yell at you? Did you yell back? >> I don’t remember.

26. Where did your last injury come from? >> I don’t know! I just have this random gouge on my finger, like someone just took a small sample of my skin.

27. What are some kinks or turn-ons you have, if any? >> Trying to describe the things I like is hard because 1) it’s often dependent on context and 2) it’s more... specific kinds of things happening in specific kinds of situations and I don’t want to like, have to lay out a whole scenario, lol.

28. What are you like during arguments? >> I have an insanely heightened physical response to conflict, for some reason (I say “for some reason” like I’m not literally post-traumatic, but I don’t know what exactly contributed to this particular symptom) -- crazy heartbeat, flushed skin, shaking, the whole nine. So I guess I’d say I go full monkey-brain during arguments and I tend to do/say whatever will get me the fuck out of the situation because I cannot process anything but “I’m in danger and these people are dangerous and did I mention DANGER”. I’ve been working on trying to express myself rationally during perceived-conflict or actual-conflict situations, but it’s a long process and mostly I just try to avoid getting into the position to begin with.

29. What is the worst thing you have said to another person? >> *shrug* Who knows.

30. Where do you like to be kissed? >> Everywhere, when a person I’m available to in that way is doing it. (So, Inworlders.)

31. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? >> I don’t look into people’s eyes, period. It’s the practice of eye contact itself that is inconceivably difficult for me.

32. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? >> I really don’t remember the last time I was legitimately furious (and not just using bluster to suppress a more vulnerable feeling).

33. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? >> Why was I in Honolulu, though...? I need more context for this situation that I cannot imagine myself in.

34. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid? >> Well, obviously I tell my spouse, and then I guess... some people I hang out with online? I don’t know what I would do with my remaining days because I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in that situation and how it would change my priorities. And, of fucking course I’d be afraid.

35. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Usually when someone says that, a list of two things would follow. <--

36. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not? >> I don’t work, so that’s the first problem with this question. In a general sense, though, I would probably risk a consequence of that caliber in order to try to save a life if I can. (I don’t know about this specific situation, though, because I can’t swim...)

37. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? >> It’s people that I trust and love (those are the same thing, sorry, I don’t get how they can be separate *shrug*) that would have the best chance of hurting me, because of the emotional attachment...

38. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say? >> ---

39. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not? >> No, man, we went through this already in an earlier question. No matter how you present the circumstances, I’m not bringing anyone back from the dead, period.

40. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? >> Well, I don’t know???

41. Does love = sex? >> Inworld, it does, because that’s just how it works for Us.

42.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not? >> ---

43.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? >> I haven’t done that in a long time, idk.

44. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back? >> I think the “I don’t love you back” conversation would be way harder, lmao. People get really upset about that sort of thing.

45. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? >> *shrug*??

46. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? >> ---

47. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why? >> No.

48.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? >> My apartment is on the third floor... my biggest concern would be “how the fuck is this person walking on air???” I don’t know why I’d want anyone in particular with me -- why, so we can both be killed by this apparent superhuman? lmao.

49. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not? >> If I felt confident in my ability to perform CPR, I might. I think it’s mostly the fear that I’m going to do it wrong and... idk, kill the person quicker? that would prevent me from doing it. It does sound vaguely irrational when I write it out like that, but hey.

50.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision? >> ---

51. Are you old fashioned? >> No.

52. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? >> I’m not “nice to” people. I just treat people with basic respect and consideration, and of course I expect that in return...

53.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? >> ---

54.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? >> ---

55. What was the last thing you ate? >> A few toasted vanilla Smashmallows.

56. What kind of guys are you usually attracted to? >> ---

57. What’s the stupidest thing that’s happened to you that ended a friendship? >> I don’t think any of the things that ended my friendships were stupid. It just sucked.

58. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve had sex for? >> Inworld, probably... an hour and a half, maybe 2 hours? Outworld, I don’t remember or care.

59. What reality shows do you watch? >> I don’t think I watch any. I’m trying to think if anything I’ve watched on purpose qualifies as “reality” and I... don’t think so? Untold Stores of the ER is basically just dramatisations of allegedly-real stories, so maybe that’s the closest thing to reality tv that I watch? Man, I do love that show. Oh, wait, those cooking shows! Those are reality TV, right? Okay, yeah, I watch stuff like that.

60. Post a video of yourself here: >> No.

61. Where do you work? >> ---

62. Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours and tried to get in it? >> ---

63. Where do you buy most of your clothes? >> I don’t have a designated place where I buy most of my clothes. I shop for clothes so infrequently that it’s really just “wherever has the specific item that I want”.

64. If you were very intelligent and had the capability to have any profession, what would you like to be? Getting tired of the unrealistic hypotheticals. <-- My constant mood with surveys.

65. What’s your most irrational fear? >> ---

66. How many radio stations do you listen to? >> Zero.

67. What kind of music do they have? >> ---

68. Would you rather go to Greece or Hawaii? >> Oh, but I would go to either...

69. Musicals: Yay or Nay? >> Yay :)

70. What are the next concerts you’ll be going to? >> Ha! Hilarious.

71. What was the last conversation you had with your best friend about? >> ---

72. Are you one of those people that LOVE to hug others? >> Inworld I will spend all day cuddling if I can. Outworld, I legitimately cannot remember the last time I initiated a hug with someone. It’s been years.

#surveys #survey #random survey

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