#toxic and supportive and best friends and worst scars

[novelconcepts]

Okay, but “I have no purpose” “your purpose is loving me” is at once so beautiful, so romantic, so soul-shatteringly lovely to hear—and so terrible. So heavy a burden. So unforgettably damning. “I’m your purpose. Anything that ever happens to me now weighs double. Anything that ever spins out of your control can crush you beneath the weight. I’m your purpose, and you are mine, and we are doomed to fail one another again, again, again. I love you. I need you. I’ve cursed you.”

[tteokdoroki]

✩࿐TRACK 06: BESIDE YOU. denki kaminari (2K)

about. upon finally escaping your toxic ex, your friends do a little scheming which leads to a hook up with an old high school friend looking for something more.

warnings. minors, blank and ageless blogs do not interact! suggestive, sfw, slight angst, fluff, happy ending, weed mention, mutual pining, make outs, old friends to lovers, love confessions, fem!reader, pro hero!kaminari.

things to note. eee here it is!! the final fic, thank you for joining me on this journey. i’m quite proud of myself for completing a project like this!! enjoy my loves! special thanks to @maliciouslove for beta reading mwah - masterlist / series masterlist / series playlist ✩

you don’t go to parties. 

something about them makes it hard for you to find the appeal in bass boosted music and sweaty bodies complied into one uncomfortably tight space. the drinks are never to your liking, cheap and sour at house parties but overly priced and bitter at the clubs your friends drag you to on the weekends. 

you don’t go to parties because of the people too. 

sure it’s fun, when you’re dancing up on your friends, sharing a giggle and snapping selfies that’ll serve as reminders of your youth when your knees grow a little too fragile for the excessive ass shaking and grinding on your girls. but then as soon as you start to feel yourself loosening up, a drunk stranger who meets the bare minimum will start hitting on one of your friends and the other will be dragged away to dance amongst a circle of them with the promise of texting you when they’re safe (and done fucking randos) for the night.

one by one, they typically leave you to fend for yourself until you end up at the shitty bar getting pity drinks from the bar tender. often while another drunk stranger (who’s so pissed that they can’t tell their nose from their toes) tries to flirt with you until you feel physically sick. 

you don’t go to parties, because you’ve never needed them. your friends tell you that they’re a great place to meet people and mingle, perhaps even date — but you’ve had no need to ‘organically’ meet people up until recently, being tied down to your ex and all. the way you’d met had been super cute too, he’d worked at a coffee shop you frequented on the way to your 9-5 job and one day grew the confidence to leave his number on your cup. you had spent hours deliberating on what to text him, settling for a simple ‘hey :) <3’ and the rest had been blissful history. 

of course he started treating you like shit and dumped you for the next best thing. 

so lately (with the hope that you would start getting over him)  your friends have been hauling your sorry ass to whatever motive they could find — even if the event had been hosted by some rando on the street.

that’s how you ended up with an exclusive invite to a house party full of pro heroes. your friends had gone snooping into people you knew from high school and encountered mina ashidou, who you worked closely with as a student on the support course. she was more than happy to help you soothe your scars and find some new meat at one of her monthly rager house parties. and of course your friends snapped up the chance to try their luck with your old (now) pro hero friends.

to say you were nervous to see everyone again was an understatement, and for most of the night you kept to being a fly on the wall — watching the alcohol induced antics ensue. you don’t even want to be here, surrounded by people from your past who are clearly doing much better in life than you are right now. 

this is so stupid.

why did you even think that coming here would do you any good? listening to your out-going, party-goer friends was probably the worst decision you’ve ever made. who were you kidding? coming to this place to make your ex jealous? like that would work in a million years. you really should just leave before anyone notices, tell them you felt sick and that you couldn’t do this. mina would surely understand—

“there you are, cutie. i almost didn’t recognise you!”  looking up at the sound of a velvety, yet, chipper voice — you rack your brain to match its tone with the pair of sunrise-gold eyes peering down at you. “still stuck in your head i see. you remember me?” 

“k-kaminari!” you squeak out the syllables of the electric blonde’s name — shocked and surprised that pro hero chargebolt would even recognise you after all the time that’s passed since high school. from what you can remember about back then, denki kaminari was a friend of mina’s and so a friend of yours by extension. he was a good guy, struggled with his quirk but genuinely tried his best. “hi! how are you?” 

as if the blonde hadn’t heard your question, he swoops down to meet your height and presses an arm against the wall just above your head — asking you to repeat the question with a gentle smile. 

“what was that, sweetheart? 

you think you might fucking pass out from how close denki is. his citrusy cologne overwhelms your senses and from this close, you can tell how much he’s grown. through the smokiness of the party — the joints and the cigarettes, you can see that he’s much leaner and taller than when you were in school, with the right amount of muscle as well. his golden skin glows under mina’s party lights, his eyes are sleek and sensual but inviting too, and he’s so handsome you can feel yourself beginning to swim.

swallowing thickly, you stutter out. “i said…how are you?” 

“oh!” denki chuckles, the sound shooting straight through you warmly. “i’m doing good, better now that i’ve found you here cutie! mina told me you were coming.” cocking his head, he gives you the once over and that same smile from before returns to his pretty face. “you look good, i’ll admit, my jaw practically hit the floor when i first saw you from across the room.” 

what the fuck is going on here? 

while you’re flustered and certainly enjoying the attention from an old schoolmate — you can’t seem to piece together the puzzle, asking yourself exactly why he would be flirting with you. you haven’t seen denki since graduation aside from his TV appearances and marketing campaigns (which, by the way, his PR team are doing amazing at), so you’re confused as to what he wanted with you.

wishing the wall or the floor would swallow you whole — you press your hands gently into denki’s broad shoulders to push him away from you, surprised when he doesn’t budge. “uh…kaminari…”

“hmm?” 

grimacing, you avoid looking him in the eye, knowing you’ll melt into a puddle if you do. “why are you suddenly flirting with me?”

for a moment, the blonde looks taken aback but he quickly blinks the expression away and smirks down at you again. “‘cause i’m into you, duh!” you flinch when his soft hands (slightly rough due to his quirk) tilt your chin upwards and you lose yourself in his amber irises. “come on, lemme take you somewhere? i wanna be able to talk to you properly.” you frown in suspicion which only makes denki laugh cheekily. “promise i’m not a serial killer. i’m a hero now, remember?” 

relenting, you let the electric hero lead you away from the bustling crowd infiltrating the living room, hallways and kitchen — swallowing your heartbeat when he drags you up the stairs to one of ashido’s unoccupied bedrooms. kaminari has you seated on sheets with a thread count so high you fear they might cost half of your rent for the month. he clambers onto the bed beside you, so close that your shoulders bump and you can feel the warmth of his skin bleeding into yours. 

“so now that it’s just you and i… no other guys,” he purrs into the shell of your ear, coaxing you backwards into the sheets. there’s no interruptions, just you and him. “we can finally catch up a little, huh, cutie?” 

“uhuh…” you nod dumbly as you feel denki’s hand traverse up your thighs, stopping just under the hem of your shirt while he crawls on top of you. it’s nice, having someone touch you like this after so long, after your ex — but there’s a nagging feeling in the back of your mind telling you that this isn’t genuine or real. “w-wait!” you squeak when kaminari’s lips drop to your jawline, working their way up to your own.

denki, from what you’ve gathered, is a renowned fuck boy. now that he’s a little hotter (not that he wasn’t before) and more charming, he and his little friend sero hanta had been playing lucky dip with their dicks across the population right up until recently — when sero found himself in a long distance relationship. you had just gotten out of a long-term one yourself and you weren’t even sure if you could handle just having a bit of fun right now. 

the blonde peels away from you, faster than the speed of light, sitting back on his haunches. “hey, are you okay?” 

“yeah i’m just—“ you’re sure that you look a mess, clothes askew and chest heaving — but you have to make sure that this won’t be a mistake. “how do i know that you even like me, kaminari? we haven’t spoken in years, i just got out of a relationship and you’ve got this reputation now—“ 

it’s like kaminari can sense that you’re nervous and hesitant but just as easily as he can do that, he can also tell how badly you want this. “i’ve always liked you,” he says easily, unafraid, much unlike you. “but you never took me seriously back then. ‘nd i’m different now, i’m not nearly as slutty as you think.”

even in the darkness you can see a genuine glow to the electric hero’s golden eyes — you feel yourself trusting in him despite the charming front he puts up. “you made it a thing, yanno?” he continues, voice dipping into lower octaves that have your skin erupting in goosebumps. “in high school, you used to make a point of telling me that i’m not your type.” denki is all over you again, but he doesn’t push the boundaries of what you consent to. his hands only move further up when you let him, his nose pressed against your neck when you say yes. his lips on your skin when you plead. “how about now, cutie? judging by your reactions, i think i know what’s on your mind."

doubts and worries swirl around in your mind like a grade four hurricane. he’s making you dizzy, his scent, his smile, his words are driving you insane but you can’t help but worry. having sex with denki wouldn’t be the same has making love with someone you were once committed to but he still wants you, despite everything you’ve gone through. 

tilting your head up to face him, the electric blonde pulls you from your thoughts. “don’t worry, cutie. we won’t do anything you don’t want to.” he simpers, his canines just grazing your bottom lip. “but if you want me like i want you. then i’m here. anything to sate ya, beautiful.” 

“okay,” you swallow thickly, your shaky fingers coming up to rest on kaminari’s shoulders. “i want you.” 

“yeah?” he interrogates you lightly, searching through the sexual tension in the air for your absolute consent. bowing your body into denki’s, you breathe a quiet but firm  ‘yes’  which gives him to go ahead to push your legs apart with his knee. you’re so ready for him already and the fun has barely begun, your breathing hot and heavy as you cover your face at the indecent moans you let out. “don’t be shy, you decide how far we go tonight — i just wanna make you mine.” 

and with that, you decide to trust denki with the shattered pieces of your heart — accepting the sloppy kiss you find yourself locked in when he swoops down to give you one. soon after that, a haze falls over your mind and the night quickly falls away. 

when you wake up the next morning, patches of your body are sore and bruised just under the skin — littered with an array of deep blues, purples and burgundies from where kaminari had insisted on marking you all night. theres a tenderness  between your legs that makes a pulse of heat dance across your face as light bulb memories from your late night activities flash in your mind. 

you’re still at mina’s place, judging by the fact that your bed is not your bed and your clothes are crumpled on the floor where you usually would have tossed them on the back of your desk chair. rubbing at your eyes, you note that your makeup is definitely ruined, remembering that denki liked to see you cry — the aforementioned blonde nowhere to be found either. 

panic seizes your chest, intertwined with your lungs and your heart like the prickly vines of a pesky weed. had he left without a word? surely he didn’t regret last night? surely you weren’t that bad of a fuck? tears begin to flood your eyes, you’d trusted denki with a part of you that only your ex had seen and now he was gone like the wind too. 

you’re too caught up in your pity fest to notice the bedroom door creak open, however, only looking up when it slams shut and a sheepish denki is standing before it. “i-i brought you breakfast,” he stumbles over his words in an attempt to rush over to you with arms full of what smells like hashbrowns and breakfast muffins. “i-i got hungry and figured you would be too. i really did a number on you last night— oh please don’t cry, cutie!”

“i’m not crying!” you damn near screech, trying to hide your face from him. in a way, it’s sort of adorable how denki looks with his hair all messed up and marks of yours littered down his neck and what you can see if his shoulders. his golden eyes, so warm and charming, erratically search your face for any sign of pain as you dab away your own tears. 

“i texted too! i had to bug mina for your number before i left. which meant waking her up and she almost killed me — i’m sorry, maybe I should have woken you up too—“ in three short strides, denki crosses to the room and takes a seat on the edge of the bed, pulling you into his arms after abandoning the food. it’s nice, being held like you matter to someone. it was never like that with your ex. 

but in your heart of hearts, you started to believe the words he told you at your break up. that you wouldn’t be able to move on, that your dependency on him would be the only thing to hold you back…and he was right. pitifully so. because while you’d shared an amazing night with kaminari, an old school friend, you were spending the morning-after crying your eyes out in front of him because you were afraid he’d leave. he owed you nothing!

“we should’ve never done this,” you hiccup pathetically despite how denki rocks your bodies back and forth to calm you down. “h-he was right… i’m so stupid!”

blonde eyebrows meet at the centre of denki’s forehead as he frowns deeply. not at you, never at you. he had heard the rumours about your ex and the downfall of your seemingly happy relationship, hell, it had even shocked him to see your relationship status on social media change from committed to single. that didn’t mean everything was as it seemed, nor that you deserved to have your heart ripped in two.

“fuck that,” the electric hero whispers a little too quietly at first, just barely heard over your sniffles and sobs while he sways you both. “fuck that guy. that’s a fucking lie and you know it!.” 

“k-kaminari!” you squeak in surprise, looking up at him with wide doe eyes.

shaking his head, he meets your gaze with frenzied sunshine eyes of his own. “this wasn’t a mistake to me, i really fucking wanted you, i always have,” he begins, using a knuckle to brush a stray tear from your cheek. “your ex was an asshole, but his love could have never felt right if he treated you so badly. made you feel like this.” next, denki presses his forehead to yours, hoping that his reassurances are enough. “maybe I’ve gone about this the wrong way, sleeping with you first and buying you dinner…breakfast… second. but i’ve always liked you, and i want to be the one beside you from now on…if you say it’s alright?” 

you’re not pleased to admit that kaminari makes you cry all over again — happy to admit that it’s for a different reason. because even after all this time apart, the blonde still wants you and only you. you’d be a fool not to switch sides and be with him. someone who likes you for you, they way you could like him.

so you giggle, allow kaminari to wipe your nose and call you pretty while you breathe out a quiet. “yeah, it’s alright…”

꒰ end. — all rights reserved © tteokdoroki 2023. do not copy, repost, translate & recommend elsewhere.

[wrappedinamysteryy]

TEN THINGS YOU MUST NOT DO WITH YOUR CHILD

1. Screaming

Some say it's worst than beating, and leaves one with long-term mental and emotional scars. Remember, the Prophet ‎ﷺ never raised his voice on a child, women, a friend or otherwise. Regulate yourself when you hear your voice starting to get louder. When the parent screams at the child, the child's nervous system shuts down and the brain can't absorb anything you're saying. If you scream, or make mistakes (we all do), the best thing you can do is apologise to your child. You will teach them how to repair after making mistakes and how to take responsibility. If you struggle with apologising to your child because you don't want to look small, you got some work to do.

2. Blaming

Blaming weakens relations, lowers self-esteem and prompts children to be on the defense, even when they haven’t done something wrong. Anas b. Malik, then a 10 year old child, said: “I served the Prophet ‎ﷺ for nine years and he never said about anything I did, why I did that, or about anything I didn’t do, why didn’t you.” When the only thing that comes out your mouth when addressing your child is criticism, blame, and orders and there's very minimal praise, loving words, affection or fun you as a parent become a source of negativity for their child instead of someone they want to come to for affection or support.

3. Nonstop Orders

Orders and instructions, without first convincing, persuading, educating, or leading by example, turn the child into a robot and this is not healthy. When growing up, they blindly emulate and obey any authority, regardless of its values. Balance out your orders with appreciations each day. Make sure you share more appreciations and positive moments than orders and criticisms in a day. The research shows the ratio of positive interactions to outweigh negative interactions is 5:1. That is 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction. This is because as humans, the impact of hurt and pain lasts longer than happiness. Trauma has a lasting effect.

4. Threatening

Threatening is used because it’s a quick fix for resistance, but not a solution in the long run. Any attitude driven by fear is hypocritical, and does not indicate real change. (Eg, go to bed or I'll... or stop that before I get up and ...) This is useless parenting and the child learns to do things only when their fear is increased. You are literally teaching them to threaten their way through life or to not do anything unless they are threatened.

5. Sarcasm

Making fun of a child is an unacceptable behavior in Islam: “O you who believe let not a group scoff at another group… “(49:11). Mocking a child hurts their sense of worth and self-esteem. Any parent who mocks their child is displaying their major toxic insecurities that they need to work on. The parent needs to make their child feel safe, not tease and bully them.

6. Cursing

Cursing teaches the child cursing, which he will use against others, including relatives, friends and parents. The hadith says: “A believer is never a defamer nor a curser nor coarse nor obscene." What's worse than cursing around your child is cursing and swearing at them.

7. Comparing

Never compare your child to anyone, especially siblings. Comparing creates jealousy, anger and puts them on the defense. You are literally saying to your child that they, as a human, are not good enough and should be like others. They grow up with low self-esteem and never feeling accepted or good enough. They will excessively seek acceptance and validation from others even in unhealthy and harmful ways.

8. Continuous Advising

The normal attention span is 3 to 5 minutes per year of a child’s age. Therefore, a 2-year-old should be able to concentrate on a particular task for at least 6 minutes, and a child entering kindergarten should be able to concentrate for at least 15 minutes. In the hadith “The Prophet used to take care of us by preaching during some days and not others fearing that we may get bored.” My favourite mottos are

"Connection Over Correction" and

"Understanding Must Precede Advice"

9. Mistrust

Not giving the child the benefit of doubt weakens mutual trust, shuts frank communication and hurts self-confidence.

10. Beating

In most cases, beating a child is about parents venting anger than wisely and calmly wanting to improve a behavior. Beating, similar to a pain killer, is a temporary fix only for the parent, not a cure for the child. It creates trauma and a coward personality, which will continue to do bad things as long as nobody is watching. Beating also teaches your child to be abusive or accept abuse when they become adults.

I know parenting is difficult, and there's no such thing as a perfect parent. However we as parents have a massive responsibility and we need to be reminded and change any toxic parenting practices we've adopted.

Source: Dr. Hesham Al-Awadi, author of "Children Around the Prophet: How Muhammad ‎ﷺ Raised the Young Companions. I've added some of my own words to the explanations.

#RaisingChildren #Parenting #IslamicReminders #TheCouplesCounsellor #mrcounselling

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[bookloveravenue]

Ryker Falls (book 8): We Found Love by Lani Blake

Beauty and the tormented beast

Ford Winter, the oldest, and, according to his siblings, ugliest, is a man with carefully hidden secrets. Outwardly relaxed, laid back, and happy with life on his family’s ranch, Ford takes comfort in the daily rhythms of his life. Under the surface, however, he is battling with the demons of something he will never share with anyone.

Business takes him from his hometown, and when he finds a desperate woman standing outside his hotel room, clearly in pain, he does what he does best. Steps in to help her. What he doesn’t realize is that life as he knows it, from that moment, is about to change after their encounter.

Autumn Harris, the sweet new teacher in town, and woman he rescued, is a single mother and way too nice for the likes of him. He doesn’t want nice and sweet, or a relationship, because at night, when the door to his room is closed, often Ford’s life changes for the worst. Plagued with nightmares from an event that changed his life, he never wants anyone to see his demons. Especially Autumn.

Can their demons be tamed?

Autumn desperately needs a life change, both for herself and her son, Ritchie. So, when she reads about a teaching position in Ryker Falls, Colorado, she jumps at the chance. Finally, she can escape the man who had once held her heart. A man who thinks he can still be part of their lives, despite Autumn’s protests.

The Ryker Falls community welcome her and Ritchie, wrapping them in a secure blanket of love and support. After the hell that she’s come from, it’s like the best kind of dream come true. Right up until the day she walks into Ford Winter again. He’s the man who tenderly looked after her, the man who showed her such gentle kindness when she’d no one else to turn to. The tall, imposing rancher with the easy smile but shadowed eyes.

Autumn senses something is off with Ford. Something dark is plaguing him, his unspoken demons obvious in his manner and rejection. Autumn is both scared yet drawn to an inward struggle she well recognizes, but also knows her heart can never be truly his. Not when she has so much at stake to lose.

Can Ford and Autumn heal each other, or will the past that comes calling and stop them from finding a future together?

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/128679172-we-found-love

********

April 16, 2023

My Review: 5/5 Stars

We have finally made it to the last Ryker Falls book! At least that is what it seems like seeing as all our favorite characters are finally in relationships. But in no way is it the end of that world. Not with these new characters and new town we are brought to. Plus the end note introducing a new book! But let's back up to Ford and Autumn. These two were such a great pair. Ford has kept a pretty big secret from his family for a long time. An incident back in college that scarred him in so many ways. But he kept it to himself because of what his family was going through at the time and felt it was up to him to protect them. But years later, he is still facing the aftermath with nightmares that leave him unable to sleep through the night. And now, his family are starting to realize that something is off and won't let up until he tells them the truth. And then he meets Autumn on a business trip and becomes her knight in shining armor. Not realizing that their paths would cross again so soon. And Ford starts to realize exactly how his siblings and friends have fallen in love so quick. For Autumn, she came to Ryker Falls with her young son to get away with her toxic ex. She has a job as a schoolteacher and is learning what it is like to be supported in this close knit community. And when she sees the man who helped her when she was ill, she can't help but feel a connection with him. Both will have a lot to face in terms of their pasts, good and bad, before they can truly find their way to one another. Loved their story! I couldn't put it down as per usual when it comes to these books. The characters are always fantastic and so different from one another. We had a lot of twists and turns in this story. Along with some great romance and action. I'm looking forward to the next book from Lani!

I received an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

[thehighpriestess1]

Scars Don't Fade : 11

Pairing : Gojo Satoru x Y/n

Warning : Yandere themes, Toxic behaviour

A/N : This part was super delayed but Thank you to everyone who waited and sent the sweetest of messages!!! W.c : 12.6k. I hope you guys like it. RBs are alway appreciated :)

series masterlist : previous chapter 🤍

other work : Ask Box 🤍

Gojo stared up at the blue sky with his back pressed against the soft golden sand. He could hear your giggles at a distance and got up, supporting himself on his elbow and he looked at you, playing in the deep blue water with a kid who looked just like him. He could hear the giggles and feel his lips stretch in a smile. You turned towards him and gestured to him to come and join you. He wanted to get up and join you but he couldn’t. He was trying to get up but his body didn’t move. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to muster every bit of strength he could, when he opened his eyes he was in the ambulance again, the monitor beeping and the flat line running across it, he looked down at you and saw that your eyes were lifeless, your hands turning cold,”You could have saved me, but you didn’t…You could have saved me..”. Gojo opened his mouth to say something but no words came out. “Why didn’t you save me? You could have..”. He tried his best to say something but he had no voice. You repeated in his head, “You could have saved me Satoru”..He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to wake up from this nightmare. “Sa..toru”. No no no no it’s a dream. It’s a dream. He felt your hands twitch in his and he got up gasping for air. He looked at you, eyes barely open, “‘toru..”.

Gojo leaned over and cupped your cheeks, “You’re awake! You’re awake!”. He pressed the button above your bed and called for the nurse. “Stay awake please..It’s going to be fine”. The nurses rushed through the door followed by Shoko and Utahime and ushered him outside. He ran to Geto and shook him, “She’s awake!”. Geto got up scrunching his face at his best friend but when his eyes met Gojo’s blown out ones he woke up. “What happened?”. Gojo stood up and started pacing around. “I don’t know. I was asleep and I heard her call my name and I thought it was a dream but then her hand moved and her eyes were open..barely but they were open. She woke up so she is going to be fine right?”.Words slurped out of his mouth and Geto frowned to understand them. Miwa and Mei were up as well, confused. When Miwa saw Gojo pacing around she assumed the worst and tears glossed her eyes. “Mr.Gojo what happened?”. Geto looked at her quivering lips and understood, “Miwa it is fine. She woke up”. He said the last part glancing sideways at Mei. “REALLY?!”. She got up in excitement and looked at Geto. “Yes she did..she did”. Gojo replied with a smile on his face.

You didn’t understand what was happening. It seemed like you had woken up from a long nap and nothing made sense. You could see Shoko talking to another doctor, someone was standing next to your bed and checking your pulse. You tried shaking your head to wake yourself up but you didn’t have strength. You couldn’t feel your left hand at all. There was a white light shining across your face and then right into your eye. Everything was muffled and slowly things started making sense. You could hear words. “It’s low”. “We need to wait”. “It’s normal”. You tried opening your mouth to call for your friend. “Sho..”. Shoko smiled at you and sat next to you. “What..going on”. Everything was taking too much of your energy. “It’s fine. You are fine y/n”. She squeezed your hand and wiped her tears. What was fine..what happened..why am I here..right..party��. accident… ambulance…Everything was starting to come back in bits and pieces. Shoko read your face and understood that you were trying to piece everything together. “Hey, don’t think too much okay? You need to rest..I will see you in the morning”. You nodded at her and took a deep breath. You were starting to feel your body again. You could feel sleep take over you but you didn’t want to sleep. You felt angry and hurt, you didn’t know the cause of it but these feelings were strong.

Shoko walked out and saw four pairs of eyes stare at her. “She’s awake. I have put her to sleep because she is still weak and now is not the best time for her to be awake”. “But she is fine..right?”. Shoko sighed and nodded her head. “Her vitals are normal, I spoke to her and she is responding fine”. Gojo looked up at her expectantly. “What did she say?”. Shoko dragged herself and slumped next to Geto. “She asked me what was going on and I told her everything is fine and I will talk to her in the morning”. Gojo got up and walked towards the door but Shoko stopped him. “Don’t. She needs sleep and I know your whiny ass wouldn’t let her. Let her rest”. Gojo nodded and released his grip from the metal bar. He couldn’t sleep, every cell in his body was fired up. He saw Geto and Shoko asleep and decided to step out to calm himself.

He was leaning on his back against the railing, his head threw back as he took deep breaths and felt the cold air sting his face. Mei walked in front of him with her hands in front of her. “What do you want?”. Gojo grunted as his eyes met hers’. “Just want to talk..normally. I am glad she is fine”. Gojo scoffed at her and turned around, resting his elbows on the railing. She walked and took her place next to him. “I mean it. I am glad she is fine..I guess I see how it was all my fault. I thought I was doing the right thing but I wasn’t..”.Gojo chuckled at her. “I have known you for a long time and I know you are not here because you are glad that y/n is fine, you are here to find out what happens to you”.

“That’s where you’re wrong. Tomorrow morning I will apologise to her, I will admit my mistake but what about you Satoru?”. Gojo turned his head towards her, “What about me? I know I should have believed her and I will apologise to her..I am not delusional to believe that I am not at fault”.

“But you are delusional to believe that she will forgive you”. Mei smiled at him. Anger rose inside Gojo and Mei understood she was playing a scary game. “You see as far as I know y/n I think she will forgive everyone, probably even me. But you? No. I think your betrayal must have hurt her the most. She loved you, even I could see it and she came to the party to convince you that she was right, if you would have believed her then she would have stayed with you and none of this would have happened..or if you would have believed her all those years ago then maybe just maybe her sister would have survived.. but you didn’t..so who is the real villain of her story?”.

Gojo chuckled. “I know that. That’s all I have been thinking about ever since we left the party..”.

“And you still expect her to take you back?”. Gojo nodded. "I'm never going to stop fighting for her, not in this life and not in next, I'd find her each time and beg her to let me stay by her side because that's where I belong"

Geto walked in with a cigarette between his lips and a lighter in his hand. “Oh..I hope I didn’t disturb you”. He said, smirking towards Gojo. Gojo scoffed and walked past him, patting his shoulder. Mei clenched her fist by her side watching Gojo walk away from her. Geto took his place at the railing and let out a puff of smoke. “Don’t mess with him.”. He said, staring at the skyline in front of him.

“I don’t understand why he is doing all this? I thought he hated her. I heard him say it countless times. So why all this now?”. Geto chuckled and took a long drag and watched the smoke disappear with the cold breeze. “He didn’t say it for her, it was a sad attempt to convince himself that he has the will to hate her”.

“Does he?”.

“Look at him and you’ll find your answer”.

Gojo took his place and checked his phone. it was 4:00 AM, he had a text from Mrs.Tanaka about the meeting with the board at 6:00 AM. He had expected this, for them to act out of desperation and try to bring him down. But he too had an ace up his sleeves. He called Ijichi and asked him to bring his car and spare clothes to the hospital. He was going to fix this rotten world for once and for all. It was all for you, he wanted to create this perfect world for you where nothing would hurt you. He didn’t care about the collateral damage when the final price was your happiness.

-x-

Gojo walked in with Ijichi and Miwa behind him. He had changed into a fresh set of clothes but his eyes gave away his exhaustion. He walked into the boardroom with the confidence of a soldier marching onto the battlefield. “Good Morning Everyone. I know it’s early for a lot of you but trust me it’ll be over soon”. He said, taking his seat at the head of the table with a devilish smile plastered to his face. “Mr.Gojo What is the meaning of all this? You are not the chairman-”.

“I know I know. Mrs.Tanaka is the acting chairman and I have been..quite absent from the scene but believe me I am well aware of everything that has been going on around here”. Mr.Watanabe sat down in his chair wiping the sweat beads from his foreheads. “Does anyone have any objections? Or should I begin?’. He asked sarcastically, scanning their scared faces. The room was radio silent with hesitant gazes of members.

“Perfect then! As you all know about Mr.Takahashi and his illegal activities within the company. Thanks to Mrs.Tanaka and a very close associate of mine we were able to get him and protect the face of the Gojo group at the same time. But you see he wasn’t the only one. Out of 50 of you I know how many are involved in insider trading, shell accounts, contractor bribing and whatnots-”.

‘Are you accusing us? We have worked with your father for 25 years and you have the audacity to question our integrity?”. Gojo rested his chin on his palms and smiled at the gentleman. “I wasn’t accusing anyone. To be honest I don’t even know which one of you has stolen from the group, but you are right. How can I accuse all of you for the crimes of some of you? Miwa..”. Miwa handed him three thick files. “Let’s see. This file contains names and details of those who have taken bribes from contractors”. The file hit the desk with a thud. Gojo could hear the nervous shuffle around the room and smiled to himself. “This file has the details of all the shell accounts of..some members”. He said, smirking in the direction of the man who spoke earlier. “Lastly, this file has the details of those who were involved in the insider trading and with Takahashi’s business”.

“What do you intend to do with it?”. Another man spoke from the end of the table. “I have detectives standing outside who will barge in on my one call and take care of this. But because all of you have been such Loyal friends of the group I have decided to give you one chance..In front of you is a file, which has a transfer of share agreement. For the past ten years you have stolen from the group and have used the same money to grab as much share as you could through your shell companies and offshore accounts. This is your chance to prove your loyalty to the group. You can transfer those shares back to group and retain your position as a member of the board or refuse to sign it, in which case I will personally hand over these files to the governor. Choice is yours..”.

“You can’t do that! You might be the chairman but your father holds the majority shares and without his vote and approval you cannot move against us”. Bingo. Gojo nodded his head in agreement, giving false confidence to the man. He could hear some of the members sigh in relief. “You are right..we do need approval of the majority..fine..I give my approval”. People stared at him in confusion, those who did the math understood what he meant and had a look of terror on their faces. “As of yesterday I, Gojo Satoru, personally hold the majority stakes of the group. If you don’t believe me then open the file and see the first document”. Everyone flipped the file open and their jaws dropped to the floor. “Now…if you may, choose your options carefully. Very carefully. I will give you 10 minutes”.

“What do you mean 10 minutes?! This is a matter of life for us!”. Gojo smiled. “You’re right. It is a matter of life and death so choose fast because at the end of 10 minutes I will choose for you. Now go ahead and do as you please, you see someone is waiting for me and I hate to keep my lady waiting”. He smirked at the worried faces. Miwa pressed the slide button and a neon red timer clock appeared on the screen behind Gojo.

Everyone started flipping through the pages frantically, with each agreement the proof of their crime was attached. All their details of every offshore bank account along with photos of their illegal activities and affairs were attached. Gojo wasn’t just going to send them to jail, he was going to send them to hell. He had the power to ruin not just their life but the lives of their entire family. Time was running out, few sat in shock with their heads in their hands, those who understood they were cornered signed the papers and leaned back in their chairs.

Mrs.Tanaka leaned towards Gojo, “What are you doing? Why make enemies Satoru?”.

“I am not making enemies, Mrs.Tanaka. I am training dogs to obey their master..”. MrsTanaka sighed and looked at the frowned faces across the room. She realised Gojo was right. The best way to earn loyalty in this cruel world was by false forgiveness. “How is she doing?”. She asked, looking at Gojo. The mask of sterness slipped off of his face for a second before it was back.

“She’s fine but not awake”. She kept her hand on his’, “It will be fine. She is strong. I know she will push through”. Gojo nodded at her and fixed his gaze on the bewildered members. The timer beeps after 10 minutes, indicating that it was all over. Miwa went around and collected all the files. Gojo went through each of them making sure they were signed. “Thank You everyone. I appreciate that you have found your loyalty once more. You may all leave now, expect those who got the blue files, you stay back”. People looked at the two piles of files in front of Gojo. Those who had gotten the red file gathered their documents and scurried out of the room like rats escaping from a tunnel. 10 people sat around the table including Gojo and Mrs.Tanaka.

“Why have you asked us to stay back?”. Mr.Watanabe spoke, the nerve between his eyebrows popping out against his flushed skin. “Because you did not just steal from the group, you also helped Takahashi”.

“We signed the agreement and now you have reduced us to mere puppets, what more do you want?”.

“Justice. You don’t deserve the easy way out, you mistreated Y/n L/n along with Takahashi, is that right?”. The men gulped looking at each other. “One of you even tried to harass her, who was it?”. Piercing blue eyes glared at them, his lips pressed together as his jaw clenched. When Miwa told him about how one of the men tried to make a pass at you Gojo almost threw this entire plan out of the window in exchange for that man’s life. “Either you tell me and confess or I tell you and make you pay. Decide.”. Gojo loosened his tie and undid the top two buttons of his shirt. He got up and rolled up the sleeves of his shirt as he walked around the table. The men sat with their palms pressed on the table, unable to look at eachother. “I’ll count to 10. 1…2..3”. Gojo walked around them like a hunter deciding on his prey. “4…5….”. He ran his hand through his arctic white hair making some of them flinch in anticipation. “6…7…8…”. He reached his chair at the head of the table and leaned on it with his elbows pressed on the back of the chair. “9…”.

“I DID!”. One of the men yelled with a shaky breath. Gojo looked at him and smirked.

-x-

Gojo sat on the metal chair opposite to the trembling man, resting his folded arms on the back of the chair. He was back in the same basement where he dealt with the driver. The man muttered a feeble apology but Gojo only laughed at him. “I can’t believe you thought you could get away with it”.

“Mr.Gojo I am sorry..please..I have a family, a wife and children..please let me go”. Gojo checked his watch, it was 8:45 AM. He had called Shoko on his way here, he wanted to be there when you woke up but this business was important. She told him that you’d probably be out cold till noon and they would need to take you for scans to make sure everything was right. “So tell me what did you do..”.

The man hiccuped, “I..Takahashi told me that she was an ambitious girl who was willing to do anything for success and…I..”.

“You what?”.

“I invited her for dinner multiple times but she always refused and it pissed me off, I didn’t mean to do it Mr.Gojo I swear but that day she came to my office to get some files signed and I…”.

“You What?”. Gojo asked sternly, making the man shiver.

“I tried to..I tried to get close to her..but she..she got away..that’s ..that’s when Miwa came..she filed a complaint to HR..but…but I bribed the man and got it removed from the system…”.

Gojo got up and went to the other corner of the room, bringing a baseball bat with him. The man was visibly trembling in front of him. He swung the bat but before it could hit the man’s head he stopped it. A trail of warm liquid pooled at the foot of the chair as the man slowly opened his eyes. “Mr.Gojo please. I am sorry. I am ready to do anything please don’t kill me..please”.

“Oh I won’t kill you..no no no. Stand up and put your hands on the table”. The man stood up on trembling wet legs. Gojo kicked his chair to the other side of the room. "Which one is your dominant hand?".

"Mr Gojo …pl..please …". Gojo grabbed the man by his hair and yanked his head back, "Which hand did you use to touch Y/n?".

"Ll …left hand ..". Gojo swung the bat and brought it to his left arm. A faint crack of bones was heard in between the screaming man. Gojo looked at the bat in his hand and dropped it. He wanted to use his hands, he wanted to feel each wound he was about to give this man.

He walked out of the basement and his guards rushed to his side. Toji was standing with his arms behind his back. “Take care of him, make it look like an accident”.

“Is he dead?”. Toji asked, making his way inside, staring down at the writhing of a man. He was sure he had a broken jaw, probably a broken arm and few broken teeth.

“No, just a few broken bones". Gojo crouched down to look at the man. "Speak a word of this and I'd ruin your family. Got it?". The man managed to give a weak nod. "What did he do?" Toji askedz, the scar on his lips twitching upwards. "He harassed y/n". Toji took a sharp breath through his teeth. "That's unforgivable".

"Absolutely unforgivable".

-x-

Gojo saw Nanami sitting outside your room as he walked through the hallway, reading a newspaper. “What are you doing here”.

“I am here for Y/n”. Gojo sat opposite to him crossing his one leg over the other. “Are you still going to ask her to move with you?”.

“Yes”.

“What if I ask you not to?”. Nanami looked up from his newspaper. The man in front of him didn’t look like Gojo Satoru, heck he didn’t even look like the Gojo he met a day before. “Why shouldn’t I? Are you worried that she would agree?”.

“Yes. I know she would agree”. Nanami could not believe the man in front of him. Was it the same egoistic Gojo Satoru? A flame of sympathy was lit inside his heart upon seeing the desperate and dilapidated condition of Gojo, but he knew your happiness was more important than his sympathies. “She would agree because you are a good man, one who can keep her happy, who can give her a beautiful family and a happy life. But you can never love her like I do”. Gojo smiled sadly at Nanami.

“We both know that you have hurt her and I just want what's best for her”. Gojo nodded in agreement. “You are right I have hurt her, but what you don’t know is how much I love her. I have loved for 8 years, even if at times I tried to convince myself that I didn’t, I knew that I loved her at the end of the day. I hated myself for loving her but you know what?it’s this love that kept me going through every bad day and now that I realise my mistakes it seems it’s too late so I am asking you to let me have this one chance to make up for my mistakes, this one chance to show her how much I love her-”.

“What if she doesn’t share the same feelings?”. Nanami asked, keeping the folded newspaper on the table. Gojo chuckled lightly. “I am ready to be hated by her for the rest of my life but I need her to know how much I love her and it won’t be possible if she moves away”. Nanami pondered over his words. “Mr.Gojo I am not going to change my mind, maybe you can try to change hers’”.

“You might love her but not like you loved your wife. All you have for her is the residue of love you couldn’t give to your wife and Y/n deserves better than that.”. Nanami was silent for a while. He knew Gojo was right, the thought had crossed his mind multiple times but he wasn't going to step away for Gojo. “Let her decide how much my feelings matter”.

“Even if she agrees to move away with you, you and I both are aware of where her heart lies. What's the point of living if neither of you can love each other completely?”. Gojo knew some wars were won with might and some with words. He could not hurt Nanami, he seemed like a nice man who cared about you so he was going to win this one with words.

Before Nanami could reply, Mei interrupted their conversation.Gojo wondered how easy it would have been to get rid of Nanami if it wasn’t for you.

“Nanami..you are back”. She sat next to him. “Good Morning Ms.Mei”. Gojo looked at the two of them, it seems they have developed some kind of friendship. He understood that Nanami did not know about what Mei had done. Maybe this was something he could use…

Shoko came with two cups of coffee and placed one in front of Gojo. “You should eat something”. Gojo humend in response. “When will she wake up?”.

“Utahime is checking on her right now. The effects of medicine are wearing off so she can wake up any minute”.

“She’ll be fine right?”. Shoko smiled and nodded. “Yeah. All the tests are normal..Did you talk to Geto?”.

“Yeah he is on his way here. So..you and Geto?”. Shoko gave him a side eye glare. “What about it?”.

“Nothing. I am happy for you”. Shoko looked at the striking red marks along his white cuffs. “Did you get into a fight?”. She nudged her head towards the marks. Gojo folded them inside and shook his head. “Not really”.

“Then what are those fresh scars along your knuckles?”. Gojo chuckled as he inspected his knuckles. He had cleaned up before coming here but it was hard to hide these things from a doctor. “You and Geto make a perfect match. Nothing escapes your eye”.

“You haven’t answered me”.

“I..punched a wall”. Gojo plastered a fake smile on his face. “Yeah right”. Shoko rolled her eyes and continued to finish her coffee. “How long are you going to keep her here?”. She looked at Mei who was smiling at Nanami.

“Until y/n forgives her”.

-x-

Shoko stood and let the nurse check your vitals. “She is fine. Just sleeping. Seems the exhaustion has finally caught up to her. We will have to change the dressing on her wounds in the evening.”. Shoko nodded and took her place next to you going through your report.

You were awake once more. Your surroundings are lit by soft yellow lighting. You wanted to get up but your body felt numb. You lay there staring up at the ceiling playing the scene at the party in your head again and again. No amount of medicine could erase the pain you felt when Gojo said “I hate you” under his breath. You wondered why were you alive. Life was going to be the same again. You’d move away to another city to heal yourself and months later read the news about Mei and Gojo getting married. Tears ran down your cheeks, your skin burnt under the salty trail of emotions. You cried thinking how inconsequential your life had become, nothing would change if you were gone, Shoko would probably be the only one affected, but it wasn’t like she was alone.

You tried to remember when you first opened your eyes, you saw streaks of white, was it Gojo? Was he here? You remember someone yelling something but everything was blurry and muffled. You wondered why Gojo was here. Did Geto tell him everything? Did he finally realise his mistake? Or was he here out of guilt…Your thoughts drained your energy and you were once again enveloped by sleep.

You opened your eyes and things were clear now. “You’re up”. Shoko said, as she looked at you. “what happened?”. You tried getting up but winced when a sharp wave of pain travelled through your spine. Shoko got up and helped you sit as she adjusted the bed. She poured a glass of water and helped you drink it. “How do you feel?”.

“Sick..tired”.

“Is your head hurting?”.

“Not really. It just feels heavy”. Shoko nodded as she checked everything once again. “Shoko what happened?”.

“Take rest Y/n. We’ll talk about that later”.

“No..I want to know now..I had some weird dreams..Nothing made sense”. Shoko sighed and held your hand. “We can talk about that later. Right now you need to rest”.

“I don’t need rest. I am fine…tired but fine..Please tell me something..”.

“How much can you recall?”.

“I remember being at the party with Geto..I left and I was driving..I remember being in an ambulance and next thing I knew I was here..”. Shoko hummed and kept the closed file on the table. “I don’t know how much am I allowed to tell you but you were in an accident, a van rammed into your car flipping it over. Luckily medics arrived on time and brought you here. You had a lung laceration..a partial lung puncture and you had a head injury, don’t worry about it you are fine now..You also have a fractured wrist”. Shoko and you both looked at your wrist.

“Oh..I don’t remember much then”.

“That’s alright. It happens”.

“Y/n, I need to ask you something..”.

“What is it?”. Shoko took a deep breath and debated whether now is the right time to tell you. She sighed and spoke looking at her fingers. “Did you..did you take a pregnancy test recently?”.

“No, Why..are you asking this?”.

“I am asking because..your report showed that you were 4 weeks pregnant”. Silence filled the room and you opened your mouth to say something but you had no words. “I think you know whose it was”. You bit your lip and frowned at her. “What do you mean..was?”.

“It didn’t survive the crash..the bleeding was too much”.

“You’re telling me that I was pregnant and I lost it..I lost my..in the crash?”. Your voice hitched and tears welled up. “Calm down y/n..”. But you couldn’t calm down. You were hyperventilating and Shoko held you close to her chest to calm your breathing. “It’s alright..it’s over..you’re safe now…”.

“Safe? At what cost? Everything is ruined”. Shoko grabbed your hand, “No. Nothing is ruined. One accident does not ruin your life”. You wept in her arms thinking about everything you have lost. It took a while for Shoko to calm you down, reminding you that you need to focus on recovery now. “What happens now? What should I do?”. You looked teary eyed at Shoko.

“You’ll be here for a while. But trust me everything will be fine”. She gave you a sympathetic smile. “Also Geto needs to talk to you, if you are feeling fine then I’d suggest getting it out of the way, he just needs to take your statement for the case”. You took a deep breath and nodded at Shoko. “Fine..”.

Gojo stood outside with a fresh bouquet, waiting for Shoko to call him inside as she said she would wake you up. He hadn’t slept properly in two days now and was surviving on instant coffee. She smoothed out his shirt and pants and tried to fix his hair. Geto chuckled at his eagerness. “You look like shit”. Gojo rolled his eyes at his best friend. “Do I smell?”. Geto sniffed and shook his head. “Appearance should be the least of your concerns”.

“I know”. He had no idea what he was going to say to you, he just needed to see you. After waiting for over an hour the door finally opened. Before Gojo could move a muscle, Shoko raised her palm at the duo. “Suguru, you can take her statement”.

“I need to talk to her!”. Gojo frowned at her. “I understand but this is official work and it’s better to get it over with so she can focus on getting better”. Gojo pressed his lips and turned away, running his hand through his hair. Geto patted him lightly on his back. “It will be fine..”.

“Hi”. Geto smiled warmly at you. “Hi”. He took out a recording device and his pocket diary and sat next to you. “How are you doing?”.

“I’m fine”. He nodded hesitantly. “I hope you don’t mind me asking you all these questions now..”.

“It’s fine. I understand it needs to be done”.

“Great then. I will also be recording our conversation, is that okay with you?”. You nodded at him and he pressed the button on the recording device. “Fine..Can you please state your name”.

“My name is Y/n L/n”.

“For how long were you employed at Gojo group?”.

“Ummm close to 11 months”.

“When did you find out about Takahashi’s activities at Kobe port?”.

“I saw the anomaly in the numbers about 10 months ago, but I found out about the whole operation about 2 months ago”.

“Can you tell me what you found and how?”. You took a sip from the glass of water next to your table. “Our operations from that particular port were suffering heavy losses, since the production and transport cost was more or less same for every port the profit projected for every port operation was within the same range but Kobe port stood out because of losses it incurred two quarters back. Mr.Gojo was also aware of it and he helped me get the financial statements of that port, on paper it appeared that the terminal was used for more transactions than what was reported to us. That’s when it raised the doubt that maybe someone was using the port for unofficial activities. I checked the transport log of the terminal operated by the group and it seemed around 10-11 additional shipments were being made from the terminal every month”.

“Who was making these shipments?”. You had already explained everything to Geto before the party but it seemed that getting it on record was necessary. “It was being made by an offshore company not affiliated to the group. Mr.Gojo found out that it was owned by a business in Panama and that business was registered under Takahashi’s name”.

“How did Takahashi find out that you and Mr.Gojo were onto him?”.

“I have no idea about it”.

“Do you suspect anyone?”. You looked at Geto and thought about it for a moment. “No. I don’t have any proof against anyone”.

“How were your relations with Takahashi’s Niece, Ms.Mei?”.

“We were just colleagues”. Geto looked up from his pocket diary and raised an eyebrow at you. “Was there any incident at work that could suggest that Ms.Mei disliked you?”. He stared at you, hinting that this was your chance to expose her. Before you could speak you shook your head and Geto immediately paused the recording. “What are you doing y/n? This is your chance to get back at Mei.”.

“I don’t want to”. Geto stared at you in disbelief. “Why? After everything she did to you?”. You played with the edge of your blanket. “I don’t want revenge.”.

“This is not revenge y/n. This is justice.”.

“If I give any statement against her..She will get back at me again. You know how powerful her family is and ..and I am terrified Suguru”. Your voice trembled and hot tears fell down your cheek and you wiped them with the back of your hand. Geto realised how scared you were, he held your free hand assuringly. “No Y/n. She can never hurt you”.

“You don’t know that..”. Geto smiled at you. “I do..I don’t think Satoru would let her anywhere near you. How about this, if you tell the truth then I will tell you everything that has happened? I know you have questions of yourself too and I promise you I will answer them all”. You nodded at him and he pressed the button once again. You took a deep breath and looked at Geto. His smile gave you the confidence you needed. “Yes. I have reasons to believe that she disliked me”.

“Can you tell me why you feel so?”.

“She has insulted me time and again about my education and background and has said that I didn’t belong there”.

“Is there anyone else who has witnessed her said behavior against you?”.

“Yes. Miwa works as Mr.Gojo’s secretary and she..she has witnessed one of Mei’s outbursts on me”.

“Ms.Y/n how do you know Toji Fushiguro?”. You browned at geto and bit your lip. The same seemed familiar..”I’m sorry I don’t recall him”. Geto pulled out his phone and showed you a photo. “Do you remember this man?”. You recognised the photo and the incident with him and his son. “Yes. I remember him now. I met him a few months ago in a shopping mart. His son was trying to climb a rack and I pulled him away just in time before the rack fell”.

“Was that your only interaction with Toji?”. You scratched your neck as you tried to remember any other incident. “Yes..It was the only time we have met”. Geto nodded and leaned back in his chair. “Thank you. Ms.Y/n. This is all for now”. He stopped the recording and both of you took a sigh of relief. “Now tell me. Everything”. Geto looked at you and chuckled. He told you everything that happened when you left the party. Your eyes widened in surprise when he told you that Toji was the one who forged the document that Gojo had. But when he told you that it was because of him that they were able to be there on time, it washed away all the anger you felt moments before.

“So much has happened within a few days, I don’t know what to think”. Your head was spinning with all the information. “Don’t stress yourself Y/n. Everything will be alright..I know it sounds selfish coming from me but, talk to Satoru.”.

“He hates me”.

“No. He is an idiot but he doesn’t hate you..I know he has hurt you but he has gone through a lot in the past few days”.

“What do you mean?”. You looked at Geto who seemed sad talking about his best friend. “Toji told us the truth about what his father did to you and Alice while we were coming to get you”. Geto ran his hand through his hair. “Satoru confronted his father, more like threatened him. You and I both know how close he was to his father and when he found out the truth he..he lost all hope y/n..Shoko told him everything you went through because of him and Mei and he realised what a fool he was. He might look strong to everyone around him but he is not..He knows that..you were pregnant..and.. in the past few days I have only seen him lose people. You, his father..your child”. You stared at your lap as you heard Geto tell you everything. Your heart hurts thinking about him finding out everything and the guilt he must be carrying.

“I feel sorry for him..but it’s too late now. I understand you are worried about him but it’s too late”. Shoko walked through the door with her hands in his coat. “If you are done asking questions then go..”.

“Shoko..I am just worried about Satoru”. Geto said, getting up to turn towards her. “And I am worried about y/n..”. Geto sighed and nodded. “Fine..take care y/n”. He patted your hand and walked out.

“Please don’t fight because of my mess”.

“It’s not your mess..Anyway, how are you feeling? Are you hurting anywhere? Dizziness? Anything?”.

“I am fine Shoko. By the way, Geto told me that you told Gojo everything”.

“I did. I even hit him. He deserved it”. Shoko was stoic in this sense. “Is this..yours?” She said, picking up the silver necklace. You looked at the necklace, you couldn’t believe he had kept it after everything that happened between the two of you..If he hates me then why is it here? Is this his way of telling me that he is letting me go? Even after knowing the truth he hates me... “No. It’s not mine”.

“Isn’t it the same one..”.

“I said it’s not mine,Is Gojo still here?”.

“He is waiting outside,He was the one who was next to you when you woke up last night”. You thought about someone yelling at you to stay awake. “Okay”.

“Do you want to meet him? He asked me to call him in..”. You took an open mouth breath, trying to cover the gulp in your throat. “Tell him he can go home..I don’t want to see him”.

“Y/n, are you sure? I know you are mad at him but-”.

“I don’t want to see him. Not now, not tomorrow, tell him to go home..and give him this necklace as well.”.

“I think you should talk to him once”.

“I have nothing to say to him and his words can’t change anything so what’s the point?”. You said, a sad smiling ghosting your face.

“Alright then, Nanami is here too, would you like to see him?”. A smile crept on your face on hearing Nanami’s name.

-x-

Gojo paced around nervously, He was getting impatient and was ready to barge through the door any minute. He saw Shoko walk towards him and his smile slowly faded when he saw the necklace in her hand. “Why do you have that?”. He pointed at the necklace and she held it in front of her. “She asked me to give this to you. She doesn’t want to see you”. Gojo licked his lips and tried to digest her words. “What do you mean?”.

“She said she doesn’t want to see you and that you should leave. I tried to convince her but she doesn’t want to see you”.Gojo gulped down and closed his eyes. “Shoko please…I know she is mad but I just need to talk to her once..”.

“I’m sorry I won’t allow it..also she wants to see someone else”. Gojo closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Before he could inquire about this person Shoko turned towards Nanami. “Nanami..You can see her now”. Nanami smiled at her and got up. He looked at Gojo one last time before stepping inside and closing the door behind him. “Why him Shoko?”.

���He’s a friend..”.

“Then what am I?”. Shoko looked at Gojo with eyes full of sympathy. “I’m sorry, I tried”. Gojo nodded with blank eyes fixed on the door.

Nanami’s shoulder visibly relaxed upon seeing you awake. “Hi”. You smiled at him, inviting him to sit next to you. “How are you feeling y/n?”. He held your hand with tenderness. “I’m fine…how are you?”. Nanami chuckled at your innocent inquiry. “I am fine”.

“How’s Kiro?”.

“He’s fine..I’m so sorry you had to go through this”.

“Don’t..don’t be sorry for me..I am glad you are here right now”.

“I’ll always be here..”.

“Kiro must be wondering what happened”. Nanami smiled looking at your hand. “Yeah, He thinks you are sick”.

“You must have been really bored waiting for me to wake up..”. You raised an eyebrow at him trying to lighten the mood. “Well I had some company with me..Mei is here”. You frowned at her mention. “I had forgotten her name when I saw her again, But she is a nice company. Miwa is also here..and your friends..”. Friends, right…

“Nice..”. Your heart felt heavy to hear Nanami speak kindly of Mei. “I’ll let you rest now..I’ll be right outside to call me whenever you want to, okay?”. You nodded your head. “Take care y/n”. Nanami got up and leaned in to kiss your forehead. No Butterflies.

Nanami walked out and Gojo took it as his cue to go in but Shoko stopped him once more. “Gojo please…I don’t think it is going to change anything”. Gojo snatched the necklace from her hand and walked past her and opened the door. He stepped inside the room and walked towards your bed. You were reading one of the books on Shoko’d kindle that she had left for you. You looked up expecting to see a nurse but your eyes were met with a pair of sad cerulean blue ones. You breath hitched in your throat as you took in his appearance, Pale face, pink circles around his puffy eyes, messy hair, bandaged palm..He looked like he had been in an accident as well.

Gojo looked at you and his hands trembled by his sides. Sun Rays hit one side of your face, your eyes appeared a shade lighter, your hair in a messy bun at the nape of your neck. “Hi”.

“Why are you here?”

“Because..you’re here Y/n”.

“Get out”. Your lips quivered threatening your resolve. Gojo took a step towards you, “How are you?”.

“I’m fine. Now please leave”. Gojo took careful steps towards you. “I am sorry..”.

“Leave”.

“Please..just hear me out..”.

“There is nothing left to talk about ao leave”. Gojo bit his lips, holding himself back from breaking down. “PLease just hear me out”.

“Why should I?”. You looked away towards the window and bit your lips. Gojo took another step towards you. “Please y/n.. I understand I fucked up and this is all my fault-”

“No!!”. You yelled at him. “You don’t understand anything! You..you see all these scars and wounds but you don’t know how it feels..how it feels to have them, how heavy everything feels! How it feels to lose everything again and again and again! You have no idea how it feels to have people doubt you every time, you won’t get it because you always get what you want..you’re the great Gojo Satoru who can never be wrong and no rules apply to you! I know you and Mei think that my life means nothing and you know what? You are right it means nothing and trust me I wish I was dead too but still you don’t get to play with it! How dare you stand here and tell me that you understand? What have you lost Gojo? You might think that all these wounds would heal and everything would be back to normal but it won’t! Do you know how it feels to have wounds that never heal? Do you know how it feels to have scars that remind you of everything you’ve lost? You don’t..You never would ”. You were heaving and your throat hurt from all the yelling. Gojo’s eyes were fixed on the floor.

Gojo soaked in every word and every word pierced his heart, his heart ached thinking that you thought so little of him…"Tell me, if I hadn't been in the accident ..if none of this would have happened would you still be here? in front of me asking me to forgive you? I don't think so...if I have to almost die to...to make you believe me then I don't want you to believe me satoru..what you feel right now is not love, it's guilt. So let me free you of this guilt, I forgive you..I forgive you not because I want you, I forgive you because I don’t want anything to do with you anymore..."

"Please…Don't say that.."

“What do you want me to do?”.

“Just listen to me”.

“Why should I when you never listened to me?”.

“Because I love you..”. You looked at your hand in your lap and chuckled. “I did too, but it never mattered.My love didn’t make you believe me.. It didn’t stop this from happening..”. Gojo sat next to your bed and tried reaching for your hand but you pulled away. “Please leave”.

“I know I fucked up and I am the reason this happened, I should have believed you, every time..I fucked up y/n but please please forgive me, I am ready to do anything..I..please..I know I am the reason we lost our child,Please y/n..”. Gojo said as he put his head in your lap and wept.

“Our child?”You scoffed, looking away from him. “Even if..this hadn’t happened, even if I wouldn’t have lost ..it..in the accident I know that you wouldn’t let me keep it... You..you probably think that I would have tried to gain something out of it. Right? Afterall I am a greedy whore right?”Gojo's heart skipped a beat thinking about all the things he has said to you, all the things that didn’t matter to him and were not even true but were said out of anger and now..now they were coming back to him, like a ghost from the past seeking revenge.

“No no no no”. He whispered under his breath.”I didn’t mean it Y/n..I swear I didn’t..please..I know I am unforgivable and I am shameless enough to still be here..curse me as much as you want, yell at me or hit me I will take it all but please don’t think that..don;t thinks ”.

“I don’t want to hit you or yell at you anymore...I am done so please leave”. Gojo shook his head. “I’m not leaving..not until you hear me out”.

“Fine. I’ll hear you out..”. You stared at him, hurt and desperation painted in hues of pink across his face. It hurt you to see him like this but you had to hold strong. Gojo forgot every word in every dictionary, his mind went blank as he stared deep in your eyes. He know he was going to be selfish to ask you to stay with him but he didn’t care, his morality died the moment that van hit your car, so he was going to be as selfish as he could, he was going to be the devil who was going to fight heavens for you.

“I love you, I really do. I know I have made mistakes..unforgivable mistakes but I beg you y/n, I beg you to forgive me one last time..I know I said I hated you but please believe me, I could never hate you..I was angry at everything. At everyone around me because I didn’t know the truth..I know what my father did to you..I know what Mei put you through, I know about Alice and how you..how you struggled all this time because I was a fool for not believing you. I should have listened to you that day..None of this would have happened if I would have just listened to you and I didn’t and I regret it. I know you have lost so much because of me and I am..I am truly unforgivable but I beg you y/n please..just give me another chance and I promise I will make it better..you can hate me for the rest of your life, you can curse me for the rest of my life but please don’t … don’t leave me..You are the only thing that matters to me y/n…I exist for you, and if you’re gone then..-”.

You nodded at him. “You.. are saying all this now but, I don’t believe you..”.

“I’ll prove it to you..”.

“Do you want me to wait for you to hurt me again?”

“I won’t hurt you ever again, I won’t let anything hurt you ever again y/n”.

“If you know the whole truth then why is Mei here? Tell me..”.

“She..she is here because..I’ll let her go once you forgive her”.

“And what if I don’t? Would you force me to?”. Gojo shook his head. “Never..please trust me y/n”.

“I have given my statement to Geto against her, I don’t know what’s going to happen to her..”. Gojo rubbed circles across your knuckles. “I don’t care what happens to her.” You pulled your hand back, “You said what you had to say and I heard you, now please leave..”.

“No. I am not leaving..I’ll always stay by your side and I will make up for my mistakes for the rest of my life..I’ll make it up to you..”. You scoffed at him. “I don’t want you to make up for anything..I am tired..so so so tired of everything..I truly wish that I shouldn’t have surv-”. Before you could finish that sentence Gojo cupped your cheeks and crashed his lips onto yours. You could taste his salty regret on your lips.He kissed you like he needed your breath to live, Your anger..hatred..regret melted along with the tears rolling down your cheeks. Gojo pulled away slightly and whispered against your lips,”Don’t finish that sentence..ever”. Before you could say anything he pressed his lips onto yours once again, where the previous kiss was filled with want this one felt like a promise You pulled back gasping for breath. He pressed his forehead to yours, rubbing circles on the apple of your cheeks "I love you.".

"I am scared ..". Your breath trembled and Gojo placed a feather kiss on your forehead. “I’m right here. I won’t let anything happen to you ever”. You placed your hand over his and saw the bloodied knuckles. Your heart dropped thinking he did this to himself. Gojo saw the concern on your face and smiled reassuringly. “It’s nothing”. You looked down at your lap. Still scared that he might hurt you again, scared that you might not survive if something like this happens again.

“I can’t trust you”, A bleak declaration that made Gojo come to face his fear. But he wouldn’t be Gojo Satoru if he didn’t have a plan. He pulled the drawer of your bedside table, your eyes following each moment, wondering what he was doing. “This is my promise to you. You have every right to be angry at me and my father. You can take your revenge and ruin me and I would still love you just as much as I love you now”. He kept the folder on your lap and you flipped it open. Tears lined your eyes and your words died down in your throat. He had the agreement to transfer majority shares of Gojo group to you. The agreement was signed by Him and every board member.

“Why?..I don’t..I don’t understand this..”.

“Because it is the right thing to do”. You looked up at his sad sincere eyes. This was something his family had worked for generations and now he was giving it all away, “Is this a joke? Because it’s not funny”.

“It’s not”. Your jaws clenched as anger rose inside you once again,“Are you trying to buy my trust? Do you still think this is what I’m after? Your money? or am I desperate to accept it?”. Gojo’s face turned two shades paler. “No no no..no y/n. I..this is not what you think it is. I am the desperate one..I am the one who needs you. This was the only way I could show you that you are the only thing that matters to me now. All the money and power means nothing if it can’t help me protect you..So keep it and ruin me if you want but don’t ask me to leave you”.

You closed your eyes and leaned your head back.“I..I need time to think..This is too much for me..”. Gojo rubbed the back of your head softly, “It’s alright..”. Shoko walked through the door with nurses following her. “Gojo, we need to take her for a scan”. One of the nurses got a wheelchair and placed it next to your bed. Before you could try to get up Gojo lifted you up in his arms, your arm instinctively wrapped around his neck. Shoko smiled softly as Gojo placed you carefully on the chair.

Shoko walked beside you as one nurse pushed your chair and another walked in front with two guards walking behind you. You noticed the entire hallway was empty and guarded. “Am I the only patient here?”. You asked, raising an eyebrow at Shoko. “More like Mr.Gojo Satoru booked the entire hallway and had it guarded for you”. Heat rose to your cheeks and you looked down in your lap. You caught a glimpse of Miwa and Nanami talking in the waiting room and smiled to yourself, you did have friends, people who cared about you. People who would have been sad had you not made it, and for the first time in days you didn’t feel so alone anymore.

Shoko had to check on another patient leaving you and two nurses alone in the elevator. The scans were scary but having Shoko near you helped you calm your nerves. The nurses redressed your wounds and it made you feel a little better, cleaner than before.

The elevator stopped at a floor and a girl and her mother were about to step in when the guard stopped them. You turned your head towards the nurse, “Mr.Gojo had ordered not to let any stranger near you”. You frowned at him. “Let them in. Tell Mr.Gojo I asked so”. The guard hesitated but decided to follow your order and gestured to them to step in.

“Thank You”. The mother smiled and bowed at you. “It’s alright”. The little girl with sunflowers looked at you sitting in a wheelchair and you smiled at her. “You have boo boo”. She said and pointed to her forehead. “Yes I do”. She stared at your bandaged forehead. “I’m sorry..she doesn’t usually do this”. The mother apologised awkwardly. “It’s alright ..what’s your name?”. The little girl looked up at her mother who gave a nod. “My name is Alice..I am here to see my brother. He also has a boo boo”. Your smile shrank a little. Alice. “Nice to meet you Alice. I am y/n”. You extended your free hand, she took your hand and swung it a little.”My brother says he is strong so it doesn’t hurt him. Does it hurt?”. She looked at your forehead once more.

“Oh no. Not at all”. She giggled, “It means you are strong too!”. Corners of your mouth upturned in a wide smile as you giggled with her. “Yes I guess I am”. She took out one flower from the set and held it in front of your face. “This is for you! Flowers help you get better”. You took the flower from her hand and admired it. “Thank You”. The elevator dinged and they got out, before the door closed she turned around and waved at you, you waved back. “Goodbye Alice”. Tears lined your waterline and you wiped it with your hand. “Are you fine Ms.Y/n?”. One of the nurses asked in concern. “I am..”.

The nurse stopped in front of your room as the guard pushed the door open. Before she could guide you inside you heard a familiar voice. “Y/n!”. You turned your head towards the source and saw Mei standing, she looked different. No in Chanel anymore, hair in a messy ponytail with the same exhausted eyes as you have seen on Gojo. “Hey! Get back!”. One of the guards spoke firmly and extended his hand to block her from reaching out to you. She looked at you with pleading eyes. The nurse pushed your chair in and the guard closed the door.

You saw Gojo sleeping with his head resting flat on the bed. He didn’t look comfortable and you were sure he was going to wake up with a backache. He woke up at the sound of comotion. “You’re back”. He walked over and carried you in his arms and softly tucked you in your bed. “Thank you”. He took the flower from your hand and placed it in the vase. “This is a pretty flower..did Shoko give it to you?”.

“No, I met a girl in the elevator”. Gojo looked at his guards, “It’s fine, I told them it was alright”.

“It’s not safe Y/n”. Gojo said dismissing his guards. “Whatever had to happen already did. A little girl can’t harm me”.

“Ms.Y/n I will get your lunch but before then you need to take these medicines”. The nurse placed two pills in a plastic cup and kept it beside your bed. “Hold on..What are those meds?”. Gojo frowned at the cowering nurse. “MrGojo…these..Ms.Shoko asked her to take these before every meal..it’s..it’s in her prescription”. Gojo opened his mouth to say something but you held his arm. “It’s alright. Shoko told me about it..”. His shoulders dropped and he gestured to the nurse to leave.

He picked up the jug and poured water for you. “I saw Mei”. You bit the inside of your cheek. “You should take your medicine now. You must be hungry”. You could see his jaw clench. “I want to talk to her”. Your breath quickened at his stoic face. “Did she talk to you?”. You shook your head as you took the glass from him. “I want to talk to her”.

“You need to take your meds first”. He put the cup in front of your face. You took the pills and swallowed them with water. “I am going to meet her”. Gojo sighed as he put the cup and glass down. “Why? Why do you want to meet her?”.

“Because..I want to know why she is here? She can leave right? So why is she here if she..when she did all this?”.

“She is here because of me”. You sighed and looked away. “If she has to be here till I forgive her then let me talk to her. If you get a chance to be heard then so does she”. You knew you had won this round but wondered if it was really necessary to keep her as a hostage. “Fine then. Once you have your lunch and rest then I will allow her to talk to you”.

“Why does she need your permission? Why have you kept her as a hostage?”.

“Because she lied to me..It was either stay in hospital or behind a lockup”. You frowned up at him. “So..so you’re protecting her? From jail time?”. Gjojo took your hand. “No. I am not protecting her. Trust me she wishes it was jail over this place. She needs to see what she has done, she needs to see the pain she has caused you and suffer what you suffered, which is the only reason she is here”. You sighed and rested your head back against the bed frame and sighed wondering whether you should believe him or not. “Wh..what do you mean suffer?”.

“Nothing, don’t think about her”.

The nurse brought in a tray with a bowl of soup and placed it on a bed table. "Did you take your medicine?". You smiled politely, "I did. Thank you".

You turned towards Gojo, "You should eat something too".

"I'm fine". You played with a spoon in your hand, it wasn't your dominant hand and it felt weird holding a spoon. "I don't want to eat alone". You admitted stirring the soup. Gojo chuckled. "Find. Give me a minute".

He texted someone on his phone and a few minutes later Miwa walked in with a tray of the same soup. "Y/n!". She yelled and both you and Gojo stared at the tray in her hand worried she might drop it. Gojo got up and took it from her as she made her way towards you. "I'm so glad I finally got to see you! I was waiting for my turn and I was so worried! But you look better! I missed you so much!". She rambled on and it made you giggle, Gojo smiled as he finally got to see this awaited smile on your face. "I'm fine now. How are you? How is everything?".

"Everything is alright. All of us were so worried about you.. luckily I had Ms.Shoko, she calms everyone down..". Before Miwa could continue her table Gojo stopped her, "Miwa she needs to have her lunch now you can come again later". Miwa held your shoulder with one hand and pouted. "I'll be right outside, if you get bored please call me". You smiled and nodded at her, "I will".

"Mr.Gojo make sure you finish everything! You haven't eaten in a day". Your head shot towards Gojo who shook his head in defeat. "Yes I will". Miwa smiled and left you two alone. "When was the last time you ate?". You said taking a spoonful of soup. "I.. I'm fine.". You winced at the bland soup and so did Gojo. "I have to eat it because I am a patient, you can have anything you like".

"No..this is fine.. it's not bad". You chucked at him. "It's terrible". He nodded as he gulped down another spoonful.

Gojo put away the plates and glasses and tidied up your surroundings. You were not sure why was he so adamant on staying by your side, a part of your doubted his actions as he wiped the corners of your mouth, a part of you melted when he sighed in exhaustion, a part of you relaxed as he tucked you in and pulled the curtains, a part of you wanted him to stay, a part of you wanted him to leave..but for now you slept. You slept as he rested his head on your bed and held your hand.

-X-

Mei sat with her face in her hand..There was only one thing she could do now. Face the consequences of her action. She picked up her phone and called the only person who could save her now. “Dad..”. She told her father everything that had happened, everything that she had done to you. “Mei..what have you done..”. She wept, clenching her phone in her hand. “I’m so sorry. Please help me..please..”. She could hear her dad sigh on the other end. “Fine. I’m on my way”. She nodded her head. “I’m sorr-”. Before she could finish her sentence her father ended the call. She paced around the hallway nervously. She couldn’t go in the waiting room and seek comfort in Nanami, the one person she looked down upon ended up being her comfort in this hell and she realised she didn’t deserve his kindness. if he found out what she had done he would never forgive her. Even Miwa was wary of her now. No one spoke to her, No one checked up on her, She has been reduced to nothing.

It had been over two hours and she checked her phone for any updates on her father. She wondered what was he upto. Was he arranging a lawyer? If only he knew there was no law here..

Gojo’s phone vibrated on the table next to him, the sound broke his sleep and he immediately grabbed it before it woke you up. It was Miwa, He looked at you, fidgeting in your sleep, He leaned in and kissed your forehead before stepping out. He rubbed his eyes, this was the best sleep he’s had in the last 48 hours. He stepped out and saw Mei standing with her father. “Mr.Takahashi..”.

“Satoru, we need to talk”. He nodded and guided him to another room, “Miwa keep an eye on Y/n..don’t let anyone get near her”. He said the last part glaring at Mei.

“How can I help you?”. He spoke smiling as he sat cross legged on the couch opposite Mr.Takahashi. “I’m here to pick up Mei”.

“I can’t allow that”.

“I’m not asking for your permission Satoru. Our families have been close for years and this is how you’re going to ruin it? What would your father think of this?”. Gojo chuckled at the man. “Let me guess, you tried reaching him but he was away on a business trip? Guess what, he’s not. He knows what Mei and your brother did..”.

“Regardless..it does not give you any right to treat Mei this way”. Gojo nodded at him. “You’re right..I should not have done that, I should have let the police drag her out and lock her up..You must have seen the media camping outside the hospital right? Imagine police dragging your daughter by handcuffs for the whole world to see..Should I let her go?”. Mr.Takahashi’s shoulders dropped at the image painted before him. It pained him to be this helpless. “I don’t know why you’re doing this, Satoru. I understand that girl was your friend but you are being unfair”.

“She wasn’t just a friend..Mei and your brother planned to get her killed. You daughter conspired with your brother, leaked investigation reports to him, planned a murder, leaked personal information of an innocent girl, bought her admission in a prestigious school by taking advantage of someone’s situation. Look me in the eye and tell me I am being unfair”.

“What do you want me to do? Mei is my daughter and all I want is for her to be alright”.

“I understand. If y/n forgives her then you can take her and I will drop all charges against her”. Mr.Takahashi nodded in agreement.

You opened your eyes slowly and groaned, your body felt stiff and heavy. You looked to your side and saw Miwa sitting next to you. You bit your lip trying to hide the small wave of disappointment washing over you. “Ms.Y/n, Let me help you”. Miwa adjusted the bed and helped you sit comfortably. “Mr.Gojo is talking to..someone so he asked me to take care of you”.

“More like guard me?”. You raised an eyebrow at her and she smiled looking at her feet and nodded. “Yes”. The sun had begun to set, casting an orange hue on the room. "Miwa ..can I ask you something?".

"Anything". She smiled enthusiastically. "How is Satoru? I saw some bruises on his knuckles…". Miwa's smile dropped. "Yeah, he isn't doing so well,ever since your accident something broke inside him, he barely slept or ate anything. He was always running around managing things and would come and sit next to your every chance he got ..today was probably the first time he ate in days..I tried to help him but he always declined. Ms Shoko and Me.Geto also tried but nothing helped. I ..had never seen him cry before but in the past two days I forgot how many times he cried..he got those cruises because he punched a wall in anger, Ms.Shoko had to forcefully treat them..". Your heart got heavier with each word.

"I know you have been through a lot Ms.y/n but.. I saw Mr.Gojo go through a lot too. I don't know a lot of things but I believe you both can only heal if you're together..". She looked at your face for any sign of anger but all she saw was someone who was just as broken as her other half.

“Miwa, tell me what happened between Mei and Satoru?”. Miwa averted her eyes to look at the window, You reached for her hand on the bed, “Please tell me. You’re the only one who can tell me the truth”.

“I..I don’t know if I should..”. You pressed her hand gently, “Please..I need to know”.

“Me and Mei came to the hospital directly from the party, Mr.Gojo was very angry. He was angry at everyone..when I saw him, he was covered in blood, he waited the entire night outside the operation room in that condition because he was scared, Once..once he found out that the operation was a success that’s when he took his anger out on Mei and ordered her to stay here, she tried leaving and even called her lawyer but nothing helped. Right now Mr.Gojo is talking to Mei’s dad but I don’t think it is going to help..”.

“Why not?”. Miwa gulped and bit her lip. “Miwa..why won’t it help?”.

“Because Mr.Gojo won’t listen to anyone. He thinks Mei is unforgivable and doesn’t deserve to live, he wants to make her pay for everything she did to everyone..”.

Before you could ask her more there was a knock on the door. Miwa got up and opened it, Gojo walked in with Mei and her father following him. “Y/n this is Mr.Takahashi, Mei’s father”. You bowed at the man.

“How are you doing Ms.Y/n?”. You looked at Gojo and he nodded at you, he was asking you to trust him and you did, this time. “I’m fine..Thank you..”. You looked at Mie, you looked at your teary eyes and quivering lips. “Ms.Y/n I know my daughter has done unforgivable things, but as her father I can’t see her go to jail..I apologise to you as her father and ask you to forgive my daughter”. He bowed down in remorse. You never knew your parents but you wondered if they would do the same for you..”I..I don’t understand. I have already given my statement to Detective Geto. I don’t think there is anything else I can do”. Mei wept silently watching her father bow down in shame, all because of her.

“Then I must beg you to take your statement back..I will make sure she never contacts you ever again”. He straightened up and you saw tears fall down his cheeks. Your heart fell for his sincerity and you wondered where did Mei go wrong. She had a good family, parents who love her so much they are willing to beg for her, then how did she turn out this way.

“Did..were you the one who bought her admission?”. He looked at you in confusion and wondered how you knew about that. Gojo smirked to himself in realisation that Mr.Takahashi was going to realise that you were not just some girl, you were the girl whose life he ruined. “Ms.Y/n, If I may, Why are you asking this?”. Your lips trembled and you bite down on them to control the anger surging through your veins. “Because you took it from me..”.

Mr.Takahashi’s eyes widened in fear, all his hopes of being forgiven were thrown out of the window. He took a deep breath. He was a lawyer by profession and was used to these situations but his wit failed him now. “I apologise for my actions. But I had to do what was best for my daughter as a parent..I wanted her to have a good job and a good life. Please understand that your parents would do the same for you”. You chuckled at him. “I can’t understand because I don’t have parents. All I had was my sister..so no I don’t understand. You took my admission and yet you didn’t know who I was.”.

Tears fell down your cheeks and Miwa handed you a tissue. Gojo rubbed circles on your back, trying to calm you down “It’s alright…”. Miwa handed you water and you gulped down the entire glass. You looked at Mr.Takahashi, “I’m sorry Ms.Y/n”. You sniffled and tried to calm yourself down. “You wanted your daughter to go to the best college even when she was not worthy of it so she could have a good job and make a life for herself right? Fine then..I’ll retract my statement”.

Relief courses through his veins and his shoulders relaxed ,"Thank you..".

“Y/n-”. Gojo tried talking but you raised your hand and stopped him. “Mei will continue to work at Gojo group, but she will work as Miwa’s assistant”. You looked at Gojo and who gave you a confirming nod. “You can never pay me back for what you have done to me, sending her to jail won’t fix anything for me, so I am giving you this choice..She cannot work anywhere else, cannot quit without permission, she can live a free life but on my terms, is that acceptable to you?”.

Gojo smiled to himself, pride rose in his chest as you delivered the worst punishment you could, if it was up to him maybe he would have done something worse but if it was good enough for you then it was good enough for him. Mr.Takahashi looked at Mei. “I’ll do whatever it takes..Ms.Y/n”.

Next Part

[findingmyselfatm]

This is the last post on this series, venus-chiron

Usual disclaimer: I am no professional, take what resonates.

To find out your chiron placement, go on astro.com (make an account if you don't have one) and click on Horoscopes. After that, under "Drawings & Calculations" you will find the extended chart selection. There, choose Chiron from the additional objects.

Chiron represents out deepest wounds that will never be completely healed. It also represents pain, but not necessarily unfortune. Where Chiron is, you will become wise in that area and grow into the "wounded healer" archetype. Venus represents love, romance, self-esteem and relationships. Combined, these aspects are a little hard to handle (like all Chiron aspects tbh), but they are plenty interesting.

Venus-Chiron aspects:

Venus-chiron brings pain and wounds to relationships, romance and self-esteem.

These people can have trauma coming from their relationships with others (Unpleasant experiences keep happening)

They might think a lot about what others think of them

And they might tweak their personality because of that

I believe people with venus-chiron can feel inadequate for their friends/partners/social circle

They are more likely to be criticized by others regarding their social status

Issues with self-esteem are huge here- even softer aspects, but the free therapy firstly goes to harsh aspects lmao

They might romanticize pain as a coping mechanism

They can also escape or distract themselves with pretty or positive things (not always bad, only if they neglect their trauma)

Venus-Chiron can also make someone like the idea of bettering a partner/friend. This can go both ways as in the worst case they might attract people with a ton of trauma and who depend on them to be fixed. In best case, these people like helping their partners/friends grt over their sorrows and are very accepting

Talking about helping people, venus-chiron's type in romance might be someone with a wise attitude, who is aware of the painful aspects of life, someone Chiron-like. They might also be into wisdom.

Venus also rules over artistic skills, so I think these people can create stuff related to wounds and hurt in other words, emo poetry-ok no jk, but there is potential. I have seen authors with venus-chiron who have written beautiful pieces capturing emotional distress and heart ache

They are most likely respectful to others' issues and don't like overstepping boundaries

People are more likely to come to them to vent about others and romance (just an observations of the few folks I have encountered with venus-chiron)

They can sometimes be too tolerant of others

And they can be quite sensitive to others' opinions, what others say

People with these aspects can grow to analyze relationships very well and give great advice on this matter.

Random note but, they may experience creativity blocks often?

Venus-Chiron can make someone hesitant in relationships, perhaps slow to open up or keeping an emotional distance

The best partner/friend/connection people with these aspects can have is someone who respects their boundaries as well and is open in diving into issues together, someone who will be there for them

They are more likely to benefit from talking things out, either with someone close to them, or a therapist, but also creating art!

Venus conjunct Chiron smashes the planets' themes together. They bring love and wounds together. I think these people make excellent healers, and are very accepting and kind. People might take advantage of them because of this, so they should be careful to not tolerate toxic behaviors without realizing.

Venus trine Chiron is an easy aspect. Things flow easily, so these people are very accepting as well. They like being there for others. Artistic skills, but make it slightly edgy lmao- good listeners. But the trine has dark sides too, because there is potential that talent can be brushed off and left undeveloped. They can ignore their problems and escape into their fantasy land. They could forget to put effort into keeping their relationships fair, either ending up taking advantage or being taken for granted. Conscious work is required, but it is easily harnessed.

Venus sextile Chiron is another positive aspect. These people are great at understanding and offering support. Big potential for deep artistic skills as well. I am sensing they're a little on the introverted side.

Venus square Chiron is our first harsh aspect. The square creates inner tension and is hard to deal with, but also has its benefits. These people may be constantly wronged or treated below their worth. They can be taken advantage of because they understand emotional pain easily. Relationships can make them feel trapped and like their healing is being sabotaged or slowed. There is also a lot of self-critique. This is why they should surround themselves with equally devoted and understanding people who do not overstep their boundaries.

Venus opposite chiron is another difficult aspect. The opposition manifests more outwardly. There is a strong imbalance between relationships and the self, their own healing and well-being. They could have their boundaries overstepped constantly. There also exists a strong sense of indecisevess, and they may overthink a lot in relationships because of past events regarding this topic. They can also feel held down by others, just like venus square chiron. The key here is finding balance. They need to help themselves, but also sustain the relationships worth sustaining.

As an end note, venus-chiron are like the wallflower archetype. They have been hurt in the past, have lots of scars from relationships, but it is these very scars that bring them wisdom :)

Thanks for reading!

[conkniving]

it all felt overwhelming. it hadn't been so long ago that fallon had been drug in the last time a discussion was warranted. that sense of déjà vu returned for the second time this intervention — it did not bode well. stunted and regressed as she was when it came to matters of emotion and communication, fallon wasn't blind to see... how she made this difficult for everyone. a glance at their expressions and it was plain as day that her mind had gotten accustomed to a certain level of gaslight of its own accord. that she was in the right to stand here and fight for her dignity, her independence, when if she took a fucking breath and chilled the fuck out, she could pick the motives for each of them. note that they were just looking out for her. why was she being such a bitch? so used to it the bastard had become that she thought her charm laid in her vileness. the drawback was mountainous, and she felt suffocated. the pair of her hands crawled up her neck to massage at the base of her skull, rocking a bit in place on the balls of her boots. fingers came to push back her hair behind her ears, though only her left faltered and adjusted to curtain the scar.

"i've been this way longer than i care to admit," she bit out abruptly. not rooted in anger, but discomfort. meeting no one's gaze. "some years are better. some are worse. but my addiction is my own, and i genuinely believed that it was something that i could control — the one thing in my life that i could control. evidently, that's not the story." rolling a shoulder, as if the whole monologue was a physical burden, "there's nothing any of you could have done, so don't start blamin' yourselves or make this a bigger deal. it's already blown up in my face."

and as if to nail down that point, eyes pointedly snapped to moon. a hand lifted in a halting implication, as if to put that conversation to the sidebar. the natural inclination to state, "don't act like we started off as friends," was too confrontational to make the point that she would be trying. the admonition would also apply to sky, truthfully, when that sort of reassurance was needed by moon and moon alone. another place and another time. these 'interventions' were becoming commonplace for them anyway.

then came the age-old adage loved by every addict: "we cannot help someone who doesn't want it." even as fallon swallowed back all the toxicity prone to her nature, she couldn't help the scoff from bubbling up her throat, eyes rolling and arms crossing as she half-turned from their little circle as though she legitimately wanted to run away. they continued in their own avenues of tough love, ping-ponging between themselves on how to best deliver support and the harsh reality of the situation. it settled like lead in her stomach the reminder once again that here stood three people who had become irrevocable fixtures in her life, and yet, all she could do was hold a baited breath and await the guillotine fall that would come once they undoubtedly abandoned her.

finally, forcing herself to face them again, "you're in luck. the decision wasn't any of ours. you don't have to worry about 'hard feelings' or waiting around." though it was spoken as if with resentment, it was only the surface and one built on abuse. not the truth or the other hands at play to her sobriety. many of which she loved with the depth that she was capable of. "you don't even have to worry about the withdrawals. that gets to stay in prison." well, the worst of them anyway. the strange, vivid dreams and occasional nightmare were still persisting. sighing at length, "so, do you have anything else you want to bring up? maybe that i'm getting older and i should think about a career change? drop outta the bastards?" glancing at bronx, "or are you just gonna disappear again and we all continue on like everything's fine now that we got the big bad scary drug abuse out of the way?"

what made her stomach uneasy and like she could vomit at a moment's notice was how easy it was revert back to her defensive behaviour, unaware of what she had said until it was out of her mouth. the silence was deafening, and even she could see how she washed between several emotions in a short span. could be as simple as scapegoating the post-withdrawal symptoms... but she just felt tired. add another turn to the rollercoaster. fallon dropped the brutal façade in favour of shielding her face with her hands, this sigh effective in slumping her shoulders and expelling the acridity of her personality. "i'm sorry. i don't have a better explanation for all of this. for me."

None of you can claim to be my saviours.

While Bronx tried to process the whole situation along with the brief crisis he just had a moment ago and Moon was trying to control his temper and the clear headache he was getting, Sky stopped to process Fallon's words. Whether they had intended to be that deep or not, the heir had understood something, something that he had been too proud or idealistic to accept. He sighed.

"Of course I knew what you were doing back at then when he met at the party", Sky spoke up; his tone was firm, but calm as always, unwavering eyes on her, "and most of us have participated of such vices; I am not a prude, Fallon and I never believed you to be one", he explained. "Still, my fault was to think that the drugs were an occasional recreation, one that I did not like one bit, but maybe one that you would learn to drop at some point", he made a pause, his front teeth biting on the tip of his tongue, of his pride, "but it was too foolish because vices do not fall back on their own. It is not that easy and this time around I should have known". Dae-Hyun looked over at Sky with a little frown questioning in utter silence about the meaning behind his words, but didn't dare to speak up about it; that was not the topic at hand anyways. "But I am famous for tripping with the same stone more than once, that is my burden to fix", Sky admitted. He swallowed hard with an unnecessary dramatic pause; his distance with Fallon still close due his intervention in Bronx's actions. There were more things he wanted to say and that he would say, but ultimately decided to let Moon talk since his own words seemed to be burning at the back of his throat.

"You", the psychic declared, "you entertained me. Yes, we were gossiping and making out and fucking and — I don't know, Fal; of course I knew about your business and everything, but when it was us, I just thought —", and the silence reached his throat in the shape of embarrassment, blushed cheeks just pumping his pain anger and pushing him off the couch and closer to the group that was now standing. "I knew you had shit going on, I just thought that we — that I —", and he looked over at Bronx and Sky, the first one only frowning and the second twisting his lips slightly in empathy.

"We are not your saviours, you are right on that", Sky took the word again, "and that was our mistake to make", he declared. Bronx looked up to his friends and at Fallon again, the hand on his chest fleeting and already missed by the touch-starved boy. There was not much else he could say after pouring himself out to her in such a raw way, but he too felt the odd tension that shifted the air when Sky had spoken again. "I admit I am at fault for trying to save people all the time and I am sure our dear Dae-Hyun could say something similar about himself", the scion said, looking up at Moon who now seemed too flustered to speak, arms crossed too over his chest, keeping either words or tears at bay. "Drugs are destroying you and you know it and we know it and everybody does, but —".

It was then that Moon interjected over the words of the oldest, " — but we cannot help or fix or save someone who doesn't want it". His voice came out harsh, a bit harsher than intended and Bronx did extend a hesitating hand to Dae-Hyun's side as if to tell him to calm down because fighting fire with fire wouldn't be a wise solution. Still, Moon had spoken what Sky meant to say, but it was expressed in a less eloquent way for sure.

"I am sorry if it looked or looks like we tried to shape you into a person that you are not", Sky talked again in attempt to diminish the intensity that Moon had established. "Fancy parties and polished manners, a healthy lifestyle, ditching town... we all tried to accommodate you to standards that we thought were the best, standards that fit our own lifestyles and interests and maybe because of that we failed to notice your own struggles... or maybe we just did not want to notice".

"We love you", Bronx was quick to establish, feeling as if this was going south sooner than expected, "please, don't forget we love ya, babe", he begged.

"We care about you", Moon mumbled with lips barely moving, but almost as if correcting Bronx's statement.

"There are many things we could suggest for the sake of your safety, but ultimately, the decision is yours, Fallon. We are not your saviours, you did not ask for one and even if it is hard for us, this is your decision as well. Let us intervene and we will do our best to help you, but you can also leave", Sky addressed the door of the greenhouse, closed but unlocked, "you are absolutely allowed to leave, we will not push further if that is what you wish for", he stated. This was not only a matter of the discussion or even rehab. It was a choice. Because they had wronged her too in their own way, always picking and deciding what was best without even consulting her. "Of course we will not hate you either or anything similar for whatever decision you pick; no hard feelings at all".

"You can think about it", Bronx spoke up and looked at the others as if to confirm his words were correct. He was aware that Moon and Sky needed a more immediate answer to quiet down their anxiety, but the pressure of deciding could cause a more serious break in the end. "You don't have to reply today, but uh... let us know what you decide, yeah?"

[immaturityofthomasastruc]

Emotional abuse is NOT to be normalized.

Hello everyone! Anon from the “

I’m a victim of emotional abuse

” post. And today I’m going to explain my story of the emotional abuse I went through. 

My story begins as a lot do, online. I was about 10 years old so I didn’t know what were red flags, and what relationships I should avoid. I had a very toxic friend group back then that enjoyed self deprecation and honestly bullying each other, me included. We used to do the cringe roleplays children do and making cringe oc’s. I met someone we’ll call Rin. 

Rin didn’t bully me like the others in the friend group and very often came to me for opinions, and over all talking without making me feel like utter garbage. I ate up all the praise, all the love and support Rin gave me. However, even as early as friendship, they would get angry at me if I did stuff they didn’t like and would sometimes ignore me, sometimes verbally assault me into apologizing for things I really shouldn’t have. 

»»————-————-««

For context, Back then I was both unmedicated for anxiety and I was going through a harsh time with my aunt and cousins living with us. When I was 6, my drug addict uncle committed suicide and I’d been living with them for about 4 years by that time. (No, my parents nor aunt told us he committed suicide. at the time, don’t worry) They made my life HELL, constantly getting me in trouble and generally putting me down. 

Context: Rin was 16 when i was 10. 

»»————-————-««

One day I was doing our daily playing games with the friend group and Rin when one of our friends, Rose, Told us we’d make a *great* couple. By that time I had some feelings for Rin, we’d voice call occasionally, to me they weren’t a stranger. Rin had agreed and in hind sight I was kind of pressured into the relationship. 

All of the behavior I mentioned before, where they would get pissy whenever I did something they didn’t like or get nice when I did something they *did* like got WORSE. It’s nothing like what media presents, because when people wish to manipulate you they will without hesitation. 

Rin began threatening bodily harm, showing me cuts if I did something vaguely wrong. They would tell me I was worthless without them. That if I’d “Only just listen to me I could make you the best girl ever!" 

They found it funny when I’d get squeamish over topics, continuing the conversations and saying that if I’d just tell them that I’d like it then they’d stop. 

One day when I was 11, it just got too much for me so I said we needed to break up. You wanna know what Rin did? 

They threatened suicide. They told me if I left them they’d kill themselves. That I was all they were living for. That I was the love of their life and if I left them it’d be my fault if they killed themselves. 

I was 11, I didn’t know any better about the situation but I knew I didn’t want them to die so I stayed. I stayed in the relationship. I tried 3 more times to break up with the same result. the same threat of Suicide. Sometimes with photos. 

After that original threat they began getting s*xual. They began mentioning we should meet up IRL, despite us being several states apart. They began describing what they’d do to my body s*xually when we met IRL. They told me that if I didn’t want to fulfill their fantasy’s I was a bad SO. That I should only exist to fulfill their wants and *their* needs. It didn’t matter what I wanted.

when I was 12, I finally had an out. They had been stabbed and sent to the hospital. They weren’t online so I took the chance and broke up with them when they couldn’t do anything about it. They tried when they got back but I was long gone. 

Now normally Media presents this as when a trauma victim starts healing and returns to perfect normalcy. That isn’t the case. Its been at least 4 years since I left them, since I got out of that situation, but I still have the fears. Have the insecurities. I still hear their voice telling me I’m worthless, That I’d be better off a trophy on their wall. That since I’m not their perfect ideal woman I should just shut up and be the best wife to the next man that decides I’m worth their time.

my anxiety’s voice, once a always changing one *became* their voice. I’ve healed, I’ve moved on from the abuse but their voice haunts me. Their Abuse has left mental scars that will NEVER heal. 

This is why having Mental Abuse of any form be normalized is horrible. because it means more people like me will go through situations like these. and not be allowed to escape because we’re "over reacting”. Because we’re “just in hysterics. it’s perfectly normal!" 

this is a serious issue that shouldn’t be brushed under the rug. Miraculous Ladybug is the WORST offender of normalizing Mental Abuse I have ever seen. because I KNOW the red flags. I have trained myself to see them. To protect myself. 

Normalizing normal little issues is fine. But mental abuse? never. NEVER should ANY form of abuse be normalized because it means more victims will appear. This shouldn’t even be a thing but here I am. Having to fight for people to realize this isn’t a thing that should be just accepted. 

TL;DR: My first ex threatened to cause bodily harm when i was 10, and when i was 11 threatened suicide for me daring to try and break up with them. I escaped when i was 12, only barely. Now my anxiety has taken their voice and haunts me to this day.

If you’ve read this long, thank you! and have some

kittens

for what I just made you read. Thank you for your time. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First of all, I want to thank you for your bravery in coming forward to share your experience. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Nobody deserves to be treated this way.

Second, you still raise a valid point. 

Media in general tends to downplay emotional abuse and parental neglect, a good example being Monica Geller’s relationship with her parents from Friends. Almost every episode featuring Monica’s mom showed her being insensitive to her daughter and constantly belittled her while undermining her achievements like prioritizing Ross’ new girlfriend over Monica’s weight loss in a flashback. Even if it was unintentional on her part, it still damaged Monica’s psyche, and this kind of treatment was always played for laughs.

The fact that even shows today tend to downplay mental trauma shows that people don’t really understand the kind of damage it can cause.

The way Chloe’s relationship with her mother is portrayed is a good example. At least Friends is targeted towards an older audience so it could be enjoyed in a morbid way by laughing at Monica’s misery, but at its core, Miraculous Ladybug is aimed at children. Children will see Chloe bonding with her neglectful mother and see it as normal, as a good thing.

The fact that Astruc still doesn’t get how bad Chloe’s upbringing was shows he doesn’t get mental abuse either.

You need to better understand mental trauma before actually trying to write it. Otherwise, you end up depicting mental abuse in the wrong way and give viewers the wrong impression of it.

[mercurysstars]

All That Glitters Is Not Gold (part 7)

Summary: Y/n gets hired to be the avengers chief physician and also happens to be an ex assassin.

Word count: 3.2k

Warnings: Needles, swear words, reader getting angry.

A/N: Okay y’all so maybe the reader has slight anger issues.

𝘍𝘪𝘹 𝘮𝘦 𝘶𝘱 𝘮𝘺 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨.

_

Y/n suddenly became aware of the very persistent beeping noise in her ear. No matter what she tried she couldn't get it to stop and it was starting to annoy the hell out of her. She cracked her eyes open, the light-flooded her blinding her for a few seconds but her eyes quickly adjusted.

The first thing she noticed was the white plain walls of the Med-Bay. The memories flickered through her head like a flashing light. Y/n looked down to her bandage arm she peeled it back a bit, by looking at her wound she guessed she might have been out a little over a day and a half.

She grabbed the cords attached to her body and yanked them out causing the heart monitor to start flatlining. Wanda shot right up out of a dead sleep at the sound, looking over to make sure her friend was okay. Y/n didn't even know she was there until she spoke up "Oh good you're alive."

Y/n grimaced "Very much so. How long have I been out?"

"A little over a day," Wanda said confirming what she thought. "After FRIDAY alerted us, Barnes got there first to see you all bruised and bloody."

Y/n could tell Wanda was trying to keep the conversation light which she appreciated. She rolled her eyes and chuckled "You should see the other guy."

"Oh trust me I did." Wanda grinned. "I should probably go get bruce though so I'll be right back."

Wanda left her room. Bruce came in and checked her vitals and drew some blood just to make sure there wasn't anything toxic left in her blood. He said that they couldn't use the cradle because it could harm her further so there would be a scar. But Y/n didn't mind much a little bit of meditation and it would be long gone.

Wanda gave Y/n her phone but had to go because Vision needed some help. Y/n was checking some emails and she heard a little sniffle. She looked up to see a red-eyed Peter peaking into her room. She set down her phone and motioned him over. "Hey, Peter what's wrong?"

Peter seemed a little unsure of himself hesitating to speak. He once again sniffles wiping his face with his shirt. In a little voice, he mumbled, "I was scared you were going to die."

Y/n's heart broke into a million little pieces. She didn't know what to say to him. She wanted to comfort him but she didn't know-how. Y/n did the only thing she knew how. Made a joke out of it. "Oh, Pete you know some half-ass assassin can't get the best of me."

Peter chuckled also while hiccuping. He looked down then back at her. He rushed toward Y/n wrapping his arms around her. Y/n slowly wrapped her arm around him the stayed like that for a few seconds. She rubbed his back and patted it. "Can't breathe. Super strength." She choked out.

Peter pulled back standing next to her bed and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly "I forgot sorry."

"Don't worry about it. And hey get some sleep I'm the one in the Med-bay and you look worst than me."

Peter promised he would. He gave her a get-well card that he bought with his aunt May. He turned to leave. Bucky was standing in the doorway. Peter told him he could go in and left.

Bucky walked into the room. Y/n's face lit up when she noticed him standing there. "Well look who it is. My savior."

Bucky gave a small chuckle. He looked her over. He can't get the image of her lying limp in his arms out of his head. He doesn't think he's ever been that scared or panicked in his life. It became blurry to him after she passed out. He vaguely remembers carrying her the few feet to the med bay and Bruce ordering someone to get him out. Funny how someone can change your life within a few months of knowing them.

"How are you doing." He breathed out turning serious. He sat in the chair next to her bed setting her clothes on the tabled next to them. He couldn't explain it he felt like it was her fault she was in here. Even if he hasn't done it personally.

"Good, I'm good. How's Alpine? I know she has separation anxiety."

"Well, last night she somehow got into my room again. And right now I think she's with Wanda. I'm pretty sure she sneaks her extra treats."

Y/n and Bucky continued to talk. She genuinely enjoyed his company. There was a feeling that she didn't want to name that started to open up whenever he came around. They decided to watch a movie. Y/n was sitting crisscross applesauce and Bucky had his feet kicked up onto her bed while laying back in the chair.

"You actually liked this movie," Bucky exclaimed. Y/n got to pick the movie and she picked newsies. She thought it was the right thing to choose considering it's about young boys in New York. Though it was a little before his time it was basic Bucky and Steve.

"Yes, it was my favorite movie of my teen years. Believe it or not, I thought their New Yorker accents were really hot."

Bucky laughed. He couldn't believe what he was hearing "No way. They are so bad. They aren't even accurate."

"Hey don't judge. I can't help what my teenage hormones find attractive." She jokingly kicked his feet and he put his arms up defensively.

"I'm not, I'm not. It's just that I don't see you like that type of girl. Back in my day, they use to associate accents with thugs or gangs."

"It's the 21st-century hun. Times are different." She put her non-injured hand on her hip.

Bucky raised his eyebrows and smirked "So I'm seeing."

The buzzing of Y/n phone interrupted their conversation. The caller ID read Anthony Y/n put up a finger to signal to give her a moment. She clicked the accept button and a nervous sounding Tony picked up "Hey Y/n how are you? I heard what happened."

Y/n? He never uses her real. That only means one thing. He did something that could potentially piss her off. She was out for one day and this is what happens. "What did you do Tony."

"Okay look so don't be mad when I tell you. Meet me in the debriefing room in 10." He hung up before she got the chance to object.

Y/n slide to the edge of the bed. She swung her feet over. She attempted to stand up but when she put pressure on her foot she nearly collapsed. Y/n didn't remember hitting her foot or anything but it must have been when she dove over her desk. Bucky put his hands on her waist to steady her. "Woah you okay there doll?"

"Yeah. Can you like?" She made a turning motion with her hand. Bucky immediately stood up and turned around.

Y/n took off her hospital gown. Buck caught a glance of 2 long scars crossing her stomach and what looked like to be a burn on her hip through the reflection of the window. He quickly turned away out of respect. Y/n slide on her pants and cleared her throat. "I'm done."

Bucky turns around and sees her supporting most of her weight on her right foot. "Do you want me to get you crutches or a wheelchair?"

"Why would I do that when I have a perfectly good super soldier right here?"

She hobbled over to Bucky and wrapped her good arm around his waist. He rolled his eyes at her being difficult but put his arm around her. He wouldn't admit it but he secretly liked it and thought it was sweet.

They got down to the debriefing room. Tony was pacing around the front muttering something to himself. Y/n and Bucky took up the last two seats. Y/n's foot was throbbing so she put it on the table to elevate it. They waited a couple of minutes for him to start. Natasha finally decided to speak up getting annoyed "You want to tell us what this was about before you burn a hole in the carpet."

Tony stopped to look at them and started to pace again "Okay so I didn't tell you guys everything. That meeting I had was with the UN. They are trying to get General Ross to be ahead of the Avengers instead of Nick Fury."

He paused to let them take it in. Some were confused, and a couple were mad. "Wait are they just trying to do this since we didn't sign the Sakovia accords?" Steve said what most were thinking.

"See that's what I said but they were talking about some bullshit about us being unorganized and dangerous. And the only way they'd stop it is if someone took a truth serum and I said Y/n would."

Oh, this is why he told her not to get mad. She had to take a deep breath so she wouldn't pull off her shoe and beat him with it. Is he stupid? He's a genius but he can't think before he speaks. "So how does it work?" Clint asked.

"Well, they will hook you up to a lie detector machine and inject you with the truth serum. The way it works is that every time you lie the serum will start to burn and your heart rate will start to accelerate."

"So what all do I have to lie about." Y/n finally questioned. She was chewing her lip in contemplation. She's pulled off worst than this and has had more on the line than this.

"What I know for sure is that I said you've been with us for 2 years, you can't tell them how you got that cut and anything that can potentially get us into trouble. Also, you can't take any strong pain meds."

"So basically she has to have one hell of a poker face," Bucky concluded.

Y/n sighs and rubs her head."How long do I have."

"12 hours until wheels up." Tony better buy me so many boxes of pizza she thinks.

_

Bucky watched as Y/n sat on the floor crisscross applesauce. Her back is the door and the only light in the room is the light from the hallway in the quinjet. Y/n could hear the soft buzz of Bucky's metal arm with her eyes still close she says "You know you can come in Sarge."

That startles Bucky. He walked into the room and sat on the floor taking up space next to her. He looked at her "I came to tell you we are almost there. Are you nervous?"

Y/n thought for a few seconds. Most people in her position would probably be pissing their pants at this moment. Having to go in front of the United Nations and lie straight to their faces. So she answered truthfully "No, no I'm not."

Bucky was surprised. She was genuine in her answer. If it was him he would be having a near stroke. "Really? Anyway so why do meditate it doesn't actually help with anything."

"Actually it does. It helps with my heart rate and it helps me heal faster."

"Oh?" He looked at her expectingly obviously not believing her.

She kicked out her leg and lifted the pant leg to her suit. The bruise was gone and she rotated her foot and wiggle her toes to prove she wasn't in any pain.

Y/n grabbed his shoulder as a crutch to help her get up and grabbed her heels. Bucky looked up at her. "You know I can't seem to figure you out."

Y/n paused and pursed her lips in thought "Somethings are better off left as mysteries." She patted his shoulder and walked out.

_

Wanda, Natasha, and Y/n broke off from the rest of the Avengers, having to go to the medical room so she could get a mini medical exam.

The girls walk through security. Natasha dropped all of her weapons in a bin so she could pick them up later. They put a device around Wanda's neck so she couldn't use her powers. Y/n could see how uncomfortable it made her. She walked over to Wanda and whispered "I feel bad you have to wear that. You didn't have to come."

Wanda looked at her and have a small sad smile "What you're about to do is worst than this. It's the least I can do for you helping us."

Y/n nodded to her. Security officers escorted them to the medical room. They had Y/n sit on a bed. They made her pee in a cup, took her blood, and checked her medical history. Natasha was giving her advice. While she knew most things it was still nice having someone coach her through and remind her of it.

When they finished Wanda went to join the rest of the Avengers. Natasha walked her to the door she adjusted Y/n's suit "You've got this. We'll be supporting you in the crowd."

"Thank you Nat for everything really." She hugged her and Natasha gave Y/n's arm a reassuring squeeze.

Y/n took a deep breath. She stepped into the room. The room was a half-circle shape with large windows behind it. In the back were journalists and reporters. And in the front were the UN personnel were located. Y/n walked past the Avengers and took her seat in the middle of the room.

Y/n could feel everyone's eyes on her. She got blinded momentarily from the flashes of the cameras. She looked over to the Avengers. Tony, Bruce, Clint, and Steve at the end. Bucky in the middle. And Sam, Natasha, Wanda, and Vision on the other end. Wanda gave her 2 thumbs up and Y/n smiled back at her.

Staff came over and started to unpack and hook her up to the lie detector machine. They took off the jacket to her suit and connected wires to three fingers on her right hand. They put a blood pressure cuff on her left tricep and inflated it. Ross stood up and cleared his throat being the room's attention on him.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm General Ross and I will be doing the questioning on the behalf of the UN."

He turned his gaze to Y/n. "We're going to test the lie detector first."  Y/n nodded to him and he began.

"Is your legal name Y/n Y/l/n?"

"Yes." Y/n states.

"True." The man in the chair next to her says.

He looked down at the paper he had in his hand looking for his next question. "Very well. Were you born Y/B/D 1995?"

"Yes."

"True."

"Are you nervous?"

Natasha's words come back to Y/n. Lie once. Lie about something small. So they don't get suspicious. Y/n let her heart rate pick up a bit and purposely avoided eye contact. "No."

"Lie."

"It's okay to be nervous. God knows I would." Ross joked a few people chuckled and Y/n had to physically hold back an eye roll. He thinks he got her but in reality, he's right where she wanted.

He nodded to the staff and they walked over to her and began to prep her. They cleaned a small area of her arm with an alcohol pad. "This might hurt a bit." One muttered.

They stuck the needle into her arm and injected the serum. At first, it felt cool but then it hit her all at once it felt like someone poured a pan of grease on her. Y/n's skin was on fire, she bit her cheek so hard it nearly drew blood.

Bucky watched as Y/n closed her eyes and took a deep breath. If it was anything like the Super Soldier serum he knew it burn. She opened her eyes and if he didn't witness it he wouldn't even know it happened seconds ago.

General Ross walked back to the front and began to speak "We are ready to proceed. Did it hurt? I've never tried it."

"Yes." Like a bitch.

"What role do you play for the Avengers? Tony mentioned you've been there for 2 years."

"I'm their Chief Physician." The second part of his sentence was a statement so she missed lying by an inch.

"True."

He asked questions like that for a while or worded them differently. The questions were getting repetitive and Y/n was getting bored and impatient. She hasn't had to lie yet not that she wanted to. Especially not when she has the truth serum from hell injected in her veins.

"Have the Avengers ever put you in any unnecessary danger?" Ross questioned.

"Never." She replied trying not to bounce her leg.

"True."

"Tell me Miss Y/l/n how did you get that cut? It looks pretty deep." He paused seemingly watching for her reaction.

"My cat. She has some pretty mean claws." Y/n stated without missing a beat. She felt the burn of the serum. It wasn't as bad as the injection but damn did it fucking hurt. Despite that Y/n kept a straight face starting to get annoyed with him. She could hear the flutter of the cameras.

"True."

"Would you consider Miss Maximoff unstable in any way, shape, or form?"

Y/n has to stop her eyes from going wide. What the hell kind of question was that besides rude. It's like he wants her to lash out at him. "No."

The man watches the monitor for a few seconds "True." He finally says.

"Would you consider Mr. Barnes dangerous?"

The audacity of this man. You want to see someone dangerous? Let's see how dangerous I am when I choke you out with this cord that's wrapped around my finger- "No"

"True."

"Are you aware of his past?"

"Very much so. And that where it should stay the past. I don't know what you're trying to get at general."

"True."

"Were you aware that we are starting a search for Lilith and anyone with information on her that doesn't come forward will be sent to the raft? And were you aware that if we find her we are ordered to kill on sight?"

Y/n gets a bitter taste in her mouth. This cannot be happening. She can't freak out right now. She clenched her jaw "No I was not aware of either."

"True."

"Very well that's all." Ross returned to his seat among the UN.

The staff came over and unhooked her from the machine. Y/n felt like she could finally breathe. She stood up and walked out without glancing back. The Avengers did the same meanwhile getting swarmed with paparazzi.

Part 8

My mini taglist

@theashlynbarnes @writingonabrokenwall

[feysandfeels]

Which TS songs remind you of the different couples in SJM’s books???

Boy do I ??

You are a blessed soul for asking me this, and know that I adore you. 

There is now a part II to this.

Feysand:

Begin Again: “I've been spending the last eight months Thinking all love ever does Is break and burn, and end But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again” Baby Feyre finding that love is not toxic, that love is supportive, that love can be wonderful. “You said you never met one girl who had As many James Taylor records as you But I do” but think of is as “he said he never met a girl who wasn’t afraid of his power, but i do”. Also also “Walked in expecting you'd be late But you got here early and you stand and wave I walk to you” because Feyre’s used to T*mlin’s mediocre ass but Rhys surprised her by being a decent human and treating her with respect, which makes her realize that she was starved for respect and that T*mlin was not giving her what every decent human being should get from the get go from their partner.

Ivy: Feyre slowly falling in love with Rhys, thinking about Rhys in the Spring Court between Night Court visits Also throughout ACOMAF how she battles with her ever growing feelings for the Lord of the Night, while feeling guilty about T*mlin, because they *just broke up*: “Oh, goddamn My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand Taking mine, but it's been promised to another Oh, I can't Stop you putting roots in my dreamland My house of stone, your ivy grows And now I'm covered in you” and “I wish to know The fatal flaw that makes you long to be Magnificently cursed He's in the room Your opal eyes are all I wish to see He wants what's only yours”.

End game: I can practically see Rhys singing this in the shower thinking about Feyre, when she decided to work with him and him thinking like “YES THIS HAS TO BE A SIGN”. His reputation precedes him and in rumours he’s knee deep, him and Feyre would be a big conversation, he has enemies, he has heard about her and she has heard about him. He thinks “she’s so dope that he might overdose”. She’s been calling his bluff on all his usual tricks so here’s the truth from his red lips!!!!!

Dress: “Even in my worst times, you could see the best in me Flashback to my mistakes My rebounds, my earthquakes Even in my worst lies, you saw the truth in me And I woke up just in time Now I wake up by your side My one and only, my lifeline”. Need I say more? I think not your honor. 

Call it what you want: “I said you don’t need to save me, but would you run away with me?” That’s Feyre’s whole arc, I rest my case.

Nessian: the happiness I feel about the fact that these two are together is just enough to make me smile on a Monday

False God - The song literally opens up saying “We were crazy to think Crazy to think that this could work Remember how I said I'd die for you” HELLOOOO?? NESTA THINKING ABOUT THAT SCENE IN ACOWAR?? but also feeling that she’s unworthy of Cassian and that there is no way in hell that he will love her with all that she is.

Don’t Blame Me - The power of this song lies in the I unapologetic- powerful-full on I give myself to you and I will do it over and over again energy it has. And this is the energy that Nesta has for Cassian (even when homegirl really tries to pretend otherwise lol boo you tried). The “through your love I found salvation” religious aspect of Don’t blame me is Nesta, because through Cassian’s love and presence she found the perspective she needed on herself. Also this book was a religious experience for me. Jesus fuck.

Sparks Fly: From Cassian to Nesta, with love. First of all Cassian would be a diehard swiftie (all of the bat boys for that matter, merch a the concert, what will we do if we get invited to the rep room?? fans. Az woud be like the quiet yet “no, speak one ill word of Taylor and that’s your end, she did nothing wrong she was framed and I have evidence”). Second of all “The way you move is like a full on rainstorm And I'm a house of cards You're the kind of reckless that should send me running But I kinda know that I won't get far” That’s him alright, that’s him knowing that Nesta is a force to be reckoned with and he wants nothing nothing but to be in that storm and live within the force of nature that she is. Thirdly “My mind forgets to remind me, your a bad idea You touch me once and it's really something You find I'm even better than you, imagined I would be I'm on my guard for the rest of the world But with you I know its no good And I could wait patiently But I really wish you would” 

Elucien: This is an Elucien blog. 

Lover - In all honesty wanted to give this song to Feysand, because they are my main otp and this song is the highest of the high from Taylor, but I can’t deny the fact that this song screams Elucien. “With every guitar string scar on my hand” I think is a beautiful parallel for Elain and gardening, “My heart’s been borrowed, and yours has been blue” this speaks of Gr*yson and Jesminda, “I loved you three summers now but I want them all” that’s Lucien speaking ma’am. “Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?”, both of them about the bond. “And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me and at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover” we all know Lucien has a mind for dirty jokes and sass and Elain would always save him the sit next to her because he is the one who truly saw her and, in his distance, was the presence she needed while she figured it all out. Finally, The fact that the song has very clear wedding tones I think fits the headcanon, that more than a mating ceremony, Elucien would have a wedding, because it feels like something Elain would feel more comfortable with. 

Treacherous -“I can't decide if it's a choice Getting swept away I hear the sound of my own voice Asking you to stay”..... mmmmmm is this or isn’t it Elain getting closer to Lucien, but still wondering if it’s the bond or her, yet nonetheless surrendering to the fact that she wants him to stay. “This slope is treacherous This path is reckless This slope is treacherous And I, I, I like it” Elain doesn’t want an easy love, to simple do as the bond suggests she wants something that has twigs and branches and where she needs to question herself and truly ask what she wants out of life and this relationship. Also the softness of the melody juxtaposed with the vulnerability, brings a soft rawness that is Elain. 

King of my heart: Neither of them expected to feel like they could love with all the hope and unapologetic free falling feel characteristic of first loves, yet here we are. They rule their kingdom inside the room because they are discovering their feelings for each other away from prying eyes and people that have expectations on how they should work with the mating bond and all that. “Late in the night, the city's asleep Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep Change my priorities The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury” Again, with the love away from everyone, feeling their world shift around what they are starting to feel for one another. “Is the end of all the endings? My broken bones are mending With all these nights we're spending” did we say healing arc through love and support an “not expecting anything to come off this, but I just want to see you well” à la sjm?? I THINK WE DID.

Emorie: I’m working with crumbs here, delicious crumbs that will make a delicious emorie cake, but crumbs nonetheless.. I need more and I need it now.

I think he knows - My girl Emerie crushing hard hard haaaaaaaaard on Mor.

Cruel Summer - “I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you And I snuck in through the garden gate Every night that summer just to seal my fate (oh) And I screamed for whatever it's worth "I love you, " ain't that the worst thing you ever heard” this is prime PRIME PRIME ANGST, we will get from these two.  

Gwynriel: this is an edit because I'm not a hoe for these two (yet...trust me once I see Az heal this is the tag where you will find me) and I did not know which songs might fit them and then when I posted it I was like WAIT WAIT I KNOW.

Gold rush - Gwyn talking herself out of her crush on Az after finding out about the whole necklace and being like “I don’t want a gold rush”.

Daylight - Az is a Taylor hoe first, spymaster second. She just makes him feel things. But in all seriousness “Like daylight It's golden like daylight You gotta step into the daylight and let it go Just let it go, let it goI wanna be defined by the things that I love Not the things I hate Not the things that I'm afraid of, I'm afraid of Not the things that haunt me in the middle of the night I, I just think that You are what you love” this is Az healing and being in better place where he can reflect on how he used to relate to love and romantic relationships, he now understands that love is not black and white but golden. He stepped into this notion of love and through it he found a beautiful relationship with Gwyn, he wants to be defined by the love he feels for her and the love he feels for his family, not by the things that haunted him, not by his mistakes, not by his trauma. He is golden, he is daylight, shadows and all he is daylight. 

Az + Elain: As a romantic end game they are not my ship, but I do stand by my pre-acosf position that these two would be really good friends

Out of the woods -  Where we stand after acosf I say that it is not far fetched that they might hook up and then realize that it’s not for them and that experience helps them access a new part of their healing: “They lost each other, but they found themselves”. The anxiety that this song mirrors is the anxiety of them knowing something doesn’t quite *fit* right, that they are both in turbulent times emotionally and this relationship is not giving them the peace they thought it would. They are paper airplanes, because they know that it’s not the right call for where they are in their own journeys if they want to heal properly and that neither will get what they truly want from the other one. The monsters who turned out to be trees, they are in the woods in this relationship, they were built to fall apart.. are all images that speak of the dynamic we could see of them, they try it doesn’t work and then after, when they are in better places mentally they will look back and be like “we dodge a bullet there didn’t we”.

Bonus: His necklace hanging around her neck, the image is clear there and so is the commentary. 

Az + Mor: formerly known as Moriel, the ship that used to reign my heart

Breath - This song is entirely from Az’s perspective once he and Mor talk about, well, everything. This is not how he had planned it, this is not how he wanted this to go, but “people are people and sometimes it doesn’t work out, but it’s killing me to see you go after all this time” referencing letting go of the romantic feelings he had for her. They were a crutch for him and now he has to face life and the things that torment him about it, without the protection and comfort his crush on her offered him. “And we know it's never simple, Never easy Never a clean break, no one here to save me You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,” regardless of what you all want to think, they do love and know each other but shift in their dynamic will mean an adjustment for both of them... it’s not a clean break. “Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve”, also Idc about what you all think, Az never never never wanted to hurt Mor, if he knew his behavior was in someway affecting her he would have done something, and I think from the aftermath of him going after Eris on ACOWAR we can see that... also this might allude to him actually knowing that Mor is a lesbian and he has tried to make sure she feels safe around him and knows that he has her back agains the whole world if need be, regardless of her lack of romantic feelings for him. 

Feyl*n: honestly who knew there would be so many songs that would fit these two. Such bops for a crappy dude like T*mlin.

Exile - “I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind) I couldn't turn things around (you never turned things around) 'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)” He never even tried to learn to read her mind, he never turned things around and she gave so so many signs. The way he looks at Rhys like he’s his understudy, but no sugar he’s the principal actor and you got fired.

Getaway car - and I oop. Because that is essentially what they were both to each other. Feyre needed someone to give her security and financial stability, T*mlin needed someone to break the curse: “It was the best of times the worst of crimes”.

Bad blood - LOOOOOL. They used to be mad love and now they have bad blood.

Tell me why -  Imma just leave a collection of quotes here that well allude to them through the first act of ACOMAF: “I took a chance, I took a shot And you might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not You took a swing, I took it hard And down here from the ground, I see who you are” Feyre seeing T*mlin for the abusive person that he is, from the ground.. where his behavior put her. Also “I'm sick and tired of your reasons I got no one to believe in You tell me that you want me, then push me around And I need you like a heartbeat But you know you got a mean streak Makes me run for cover when you're around Here's to you and your temper Yes, I remember what you said last night And I know that you see what you're doing to me Tell me why” The if he loved me, why did he do it and the “it’s not a question of if he loved you but how” conversation she has with Rhys.

I could go on and on forever placing all T-Swift songs around acotar characters, but I think this is getting longer than we all anticipated.. or did we? we all know I am not ✨concise✨. Anywho, thanks for sticking around.

Besos!!

BOOOONUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSS:

Obviously, Invisible String is for all my mated/soon to be mated boos, and I think Peace is a song that can apply to both Feysand and Nessian from Rhys’ and Nesta’s perspectives respectively. 

[hoseoksssangels]

Hey, could u tell me about Pluto in 4th in the composite chart ? ❤️ Thank you ❤️

Hey there! Sure ❤️ ☀️

I have mixed feelings about this placement in the composite, bc I’m somebody with Pluto in 4th house in my natal chart and from personal experience this placement can come off pretty hard.

🔱- So Pluto is in a water house here and Pluto in water houses is felt twice more than normally. The 4th house in a composite chart rules over the internal emotions of both partners in the relationship, but also, how a home between the two would be.

🔱-Emotionally speaking, both partners could have some strong and deep feelings for one another, but it doesn’t always mean that they’re going to be healthy or positive. Now I don’t mean that they’re always going to be toxic either, as the results depend on how Pluto is aspected, but I would still be cautious. Both partners find a deep comfort and belonging in each other so this can lead mostly of the time to an unconscious obsession and codependency for one another. (Remember that Pluto mostly works unconsciously)

🔱-A lot of traumas and fears will be triggered in this relationship, bc the 4th house also rules our deepest self and Pluto here will make both partners pour out all the inner demons they have in the relationship. If both partners have a well aspected Pluto in their chart and Pluto is also supported from other planets in the composite chart, then this can be a very healing placement and bound the two in a way that’s impossible to describe. They can be each other’s best friend and worst enemy, bc they understand one another so well, but at the same time they don’t.

🔱-This relationship will change both from the very core, either for the good or for the bad, but there will be a death and rebirth emotionally that could leave pretty deep and unforgettable scars and even if the relationship ends, you will remember this relationship forever. This placement is often found in karmic partners that have some karma to clear out, soulmates or past life encounters.

🔱-If the two lived together, the outcome would all depend on Pluto. A positively aspected Pluto will create a very protective, emotionally safe and secure home environment were both people love each other and are always there for one another, but if not, then the complete opposite. There could be abuse (verbal, emotional or physical), manipulation, possessiveness, jealousy and trauma in the home life.

🔱-More on the physical side, this aspect could point to tantric sex and lots of it. Both partners will bound physically and emotionally during sex and it will be felt very strongly from both sides. Sex will most likely be very kinky.

I hope this description helped you out a bit! If you have any other questions feel free to ask! Lots of love ❤️🤲🏼

[likealittleheartbeat]

The Queer Platonic Love of Aang & Zuko

Friend. What a weighty and intimate word in Avatar The Last Airbender. The series’ “found family” is iconic at this point, and is literally established as a “family” by Katara in the third episode. She pulls Aang back from the outrage of the Avatar state, saying “Monk Gyatso and the other monks may be gone, but you still have a family. Sokka and I, we’re your family now.”

 As I’ve said before, establishing this central safety net of trusted people is essential to Aang’s healing. Still, it’s interesting to me that they insist on this group as a “family” rather than something that might emphasize “friendship.” Something along the lines of ‘we’re your friends and we’re here with you.’ I can think of several animated shows that have done as much successfully. The show withholds the word “friend” for another purpose. I’ll happily admit that Aang and the others describe each other as “friends” throughout the series, but rarely is the use of the word (through pacing, repetition, or emotional context) given a sense of gravity in those moments. 

However, three scenes in the series rely heavily on the word “friend,” and each scene connects Aang more and more profoundly with Zuko, eventually revealing that the show’s entire plot hinges on the friendship between these two boys. In a series so latent with symbolism, what do we make of these star-crossed friends? The relationship between Aang and Zuko, I want to suggest, is meant to explore Platonic Love in all its depth, especially within a masculine culture that not only devalues it, but views its queer implications as inherently dangerous to the dominant power structures of an empire.

Get ready zukaang fans for a long-ass atla meta analysis...

“If we knew each other back then, do you think we could’ve been friends, too?”

The first time the word “friend” is uttered between them, Aang is perched on a branch, waiting for Zuko (who is laid out on a bed of leaves the Avatar made for him) to wake up after his blue spirit rescue. “You know what the worst part about being born over a hundred years ago is?” Aang waxes, “I miss all the friends I used to hang out with. Before the war started I used to always visit my friend Kuzon. The two of us, we'd get in and out of so much trouble together. He was one of the best friends I ever had...and he was from the Fire Nation, just like you. If we knew each other back then do you think we could have been friends too?” The scene stood out for me when I first watched it for the melancholy and stillness. We are not given a flashback like we did when Aang talked about Bumi or Gyatso in earlier episodes. We have to sit with Aang’s loss of a male friend. It echoes a veteran’s loss of a war buddy more than anything a western audience would expect in a children’s show about the power of friendship. Instead of simply mourning, Aang invites Zuko into the past with him. He invites Zuko to imagine a time before the war, a land of innocence, where they could live together. And between them there is a moment of reflection given to this invitation (...until Zuko shoots a fucking fire blast at Aang). 

The wistful mood returns when the two boys arrive back to their respective beds. Aang is asked by a loopy fevered Sokka if he made any “friends” on his trip, to which Aang sadly replies, “No, I don’t think I did” before tucking away to sleep. Aang’s mournful moments often stand out against his bubbly personality, but this moment stands out moreso because its the final moment for Aang in the episode. For the first time, he doesn’t receive comfort in his dejection. He doesn’t even confide in his peers. The solemnity and secrecy of this failed “friendship” is remarkable. 

It’s in the next symbolic gesture that I think Avatar reveals what’s at stake in the concept of “friendship.” Zuko, in the next scene, lays down to rest after his adventurous night, looks pensively at the fire nation flag in his room, and then turns his back on it. We realize, especially after the previous revelations in “The Storm,” that Aang’s gestures of “friendship” have caused Zuko to doubt the authority of the Fire Nation.

Now all three remaining nations have misogynistic tendencies, but the Fire Nation celebrates a specific brand of toxic masculinity, and Zuko longs to emulate it even after it has rejected and scarred him. In the episode, “The Storm,” which directly precedes “The Blue Spirit,” we see how Zuko failed to replicate masculinity’s demands. In a room of men, he disregards honorifics to speak out in the name of care and concern for people’s well-being over strategy. Though the war room was all men, we later see that The Fire Nation does not exclude women from participating in this form of toxic masculinity. (Shoutout to Azula, one of the best tragic villains of all time!) This gender parity prevents disgraced men, like Zuko, from retaining pride of place above women. So Zuko’s loving act and refusal to fight his father puts him at the lowest of the low in the social hierarchy of the Fire Nation, completely emasculated and unworthy of respect.

Since then, Zuko has been seeking to restore himself by imitating the unfeeling men of the war room and his unfeeling sister, barking orders and demands at his crew. The final redemptive act for this purpose, of course, is to capture the Avatar, who’s very being seems to counteract the violent masculinity at the heart of the Fire Nation. In most contemporary Euro-American understandings, Aang is by no means masculine. He’s openly affectionate, emotional, giggly, and supportive of everyone in his life, regardless of gender. He practices pacifism and vegetarianism, and his hobbies include dancing and jewelry-making. And, foremost, he has no interest in wielding power. (@rickthaniel has an awesome piece about Aang’s relationship to gender norms and feminism). 

In addition to the perceived femininity of Aang’s behavior, he’s equally aligned with immaturity. Aang’s childishness is emphasized in the title of the first episode, “The Boy in the Iceberg,” and then in the second episode when Zuko remarks, “you’re just a kid.” Aang, as a flying boy literally preserved against adulthood, also draws a comparison to another eternally boyish imp in the western canon: Peter Pan. This comparison becomes more explicit in “The Ember Island Players.” His theatrical parallel is a self-described “incurable trickster” played by a woman hoisted on wires mimicking theatrical productions of Peter Pan. The comparison draws together the conjunction of femininity and immaturity Aang represents to the Fire Nation.

When Zuko is offered friendship and affection by Aang, then, he faces a paradigm-shifting internal conflict. To choose this person, regardless of his spiritual status, as a “friend,” Zuko must relate himself to what he perceives as Aang’s femininity and immaturity, further demeaning himself in the eyes of his father and Fire Nation culture. The banished prince would need to submit to the softness for which he’s been abused and banished. This narrative of abuse and banishment for perceived effeminate qualities lends itself easily enough to parallels with a specific queer narrative, that of a young person kicked out of their house for their sexuality and/or gender deviance. 

I want to point out that Aang’s backstory, too, can be read through a queer lens. Although the genocide of the air nomads more explicitly parallels the experiences of victims to imperial and colonial violence, I can also see how the loss of culture, history, friends, and mentors for a young effiminate boy can evoke the experience of queer men after the AIDs pandemic and the government’s damning indifference. In fact, colonial violence and the enforcement of rigid gender roles have historically travelled hand-in-hand. Power structures at home echo the power structures of a government. Deviance from the dominant norms disrupt the rigid structures of the empire. Aang’s background highlights how cultures based in something besides hierarchy and dominance, whether they be queer cultures or indigenous societies, threaten the logic of imperialism, and thus become targets of reform, neglect, and aggression by the expanding empire and its citizens. Survivors are left, as Aang was, shuffling through the remnants, searching for some ravaged piece of history to cling to.

We begin the series, then, with two queer-coded boys, one a survivor of broad political violence, the other a survivor of more intimate domestic abuse, and both reeling from the ways the Fire Nation has stigmatized sensitivity. But the queer narrative extends beyond the tragic backstories toward possibility and hope. The concept of platonic love proposed here, though it does not manifest until later, is a prospect that will bring peace to the two boys' grief-stricken hearts and to the whole world.

“Do you really think friendships can last more than one lifetime?”

“Do you really think friendships can last more than one lifetime?” Toph asks before the four members of the group hold hands. Since Toph previously mourned her friendless childhood, it’s easy to appreciate this line for its hopefulness regarding the four central members of the Gaang. They long to appreciate that they’re all connected. As touching as this is, the soul-mated ‘friendship’ concept is actually uniquely applicable to Aang and Zuko.

When does Toph ask the question specifically? It’s after hearing the story of Avatar Roku and Firelord Sozin: how their once intimate friendship fell apart; how Fire Lord Sozin began, undaunted, the genocidal attack on Airbenders. After recounting the tale, Aang, the reincarnation of Avatar Roku, excitedly explains to the group the moral that every person is capable of great good and evil. While that moral could easily be ascribed to many people in the series, the connective tissue is stretched directly to Zuko in a parallel storyline. Reading a secret history composed by his grandfather Sozin, Zuko discovers that he is not only the grandson of the empirical firelord but of Avatar Roku, as well. We see how the rift between the Sozin and Roku echoed down across history to separate the airbending culture from the fire nation, and, on a more human level, to separate Aang from Zuko. The two boys find themselves divided by their ancestors’ choices— and connected by Avatar Roku’s legacy. 

This is what takes their “friendship” from simply a matter of the character’s preferences to something fated, something unique from the other friendships. The rest of the found family is positioned as circumstantial in their relationship to Aang and one another. Yeah, it’d be cool if they were all connected in past and future lives, but the audience receives no indicators in the series that it’s necessarily true. Only faith holds them together, which allows room for an appreciation that your “found family” friendships might simply be the trusted people you discovered along the way. 

Zuko’s friendship is characterized differently. Both his struggle to befriend Aang and his eventual “friendship” are explicitly destined by the story of Roku and Sozin. After this episode, the series depends upon Zuko’s ability to mend the divide inside himself, which can only be done by mending the divide between him and Aang. Their inheritance symbolizes this dynamic exactly. As the reincarnation of Avatar Roku, Aang can be understood as the beneficiary of Avatar Roku’s wisdom (he should not, as many jokingly suggest, be considered as any kind of biological relation of Roku or Zuko).  Zuko, on the other hand, has inherited Roku’s genealogy in the Fire Nation. These two pieces of Roku must be brought together in order to revive Roku’s legacy of firebending founded on something besides aggression. 

In addition to making the ideals of Roku whole again, the two boys must tend to the broken “friendship” between the two men. As the Avatar and the Crown Prince of the Fire Nation, Aang and Zuko parallel Avatar Roku and Firelord Sozin precisely. The narrative of the latter pair places destiny precisely in the hands of the former. And since both Aang and Roku expressed the desire for “friendship,” it falls in the lap of the corresponding royal to give up their imperial dreams so they can gain something more peaceful and intimate. For Zuko, this now can only be accomplished when he heals the rift within himself. 

Importantly, both the previous friendship and the destined friendship between Zuko and Aang are between two men. The coming-of-age genre has proliferated the trope of homosociality (friendship between individuals of the same sex) and its eventual decline brought on by maturity and heterosexual romance. (Check out the beautiful and quick rundown of classic examples, from Anne of Green Gables to Dead Poet’s Society, made by @greetingsprophet ). The story of Avatar Roku and Firelord Sozin replicates this established narrative. 

We see them playing, sparring, and joking intimately with one another. The two as young adults were intimately connected, the series explains, “sharing many things including a birthday.” Eventually their intimacy is interrupted by their worldly responsibilities and the spectre of heterosexual romance on Roku’s part.

Now, It’s not a huge leap for one to wonder if Sozin longed for something stronger in their “friendship.” We see no female romantic interests for Sozin. Instead, he continues to demonstrate his platonic allegiance to Roku. When Roku prepares to leave for his Avatar training, Sozin walks into his room and gives him his crown prince headpiece, a gesture of unique devotion that positions his friendship above his politics (which harkens to Plato and EM Forster’s ideas about platonic love that I’ll discuss in Part 3). 

One might note, too, how the wedding between Roku and his childhood sweetheart provides the setting for the escalation of Sozin’s violence. “On wedding days,” Sozin writes, “we look to the future with optimism and joy. I had my own vision for a brighter future...” He then pulls Roku away from his bride for a personal conversation, briefly recapturing the earlier homosocial dynamic with his friend. Sozin describes his affection for their intertwined lives. Then he links their shared happiness to the current prosperity of the Fire Nation. He imagines the expansion of the Fire Nation, which would also expand on the relationship between him and Roku. But the Avatar refuses the offer and returns to his wife, insisting on the value of traditional boundaries (both the pact of marriage and the strict division of the four nations). The abandonment of the homosocial relationship by Roku sets the site for the unmitigated empirical ambitions of Sozin. One wonders how history might’ve been altered had the two men’s relationship been sanctified and upheld. How might’ve Roku persuaded Sozin in his empirical ambitions if he had remained in a closer relationship to his friend? In their final encounter, Sozin reacts vengefully to his former platonic love: he lets Roku die protecting the home the Avatar shared with his wife. Sozin’s choice solidifies the divide between them, and makes the grief he’s experienced since Roku left him into actual death.

Instead of Avatar Roku and Firelord Sozin finding a resolution, Aang and Zuko are ordained to reverse their friendship’s disintegration. Yes, they must heal the rift in the world created by the Fire Nation’s aggression, but Aang and Zuko must also reverse the tradition of lost homosociality within a culture of unrelenting machismo. Despite Avatar: the Last Airbender’s ties to the coming-of-age genre, the arc of Aang and Zuko’s “friendship” counters one of its most prominent tropes. “Some friendships are so strong they can transcend lifetimes,” Roku says, and it’s precisely this platonic ideal that draws Zuko and Aang towards one another in ways that are revolutionary both in their world and in the traditions of our’s. To come together, as two matured boys, to form an adult platonic love that can persist into adulthood.

“And now we’re friends.”

Which brings us to the consummation of Aang and Zuko’s “friendship.” Having resolved their previous hostilities and having neutralized the outside forces that would rather them dead than together, Aang and Zuko can finally embrace and define their relationship as “friendship.” Now, if we look closely at Zuko’s expression, we’ll notice a pause, before he smiles and reiterates Aang’s comment. My initial response, with my zukaang shipping goggles on extra tightly, was that Zuko just got friend-zoned and was a little disappointed before accepting Aang’s friendship. When I took a step back, I considered that we are given this moment of reflection to recognize Zuko’s journey, his initial belligerent response to the idea of befriending the Avatar. When he accepts the term of ‘friend,’ he reveals the growth he’s undergone that’s brought peace to the world. With these two possibilities laid out, I want to offer that they might coexist. That the word ‘friend’ might feel to Zuko and the audience so small and limited and yet simultaneously powerful. The pause can hint at the importance of “friendship” and signal something more. This reading emboldens the queer concept of “friendship” that undergirds their relationship. That the hug that follows might be meant to define the depth of the platonic love that is at the very heart of the series.

Saving a hugging declaration of “friendship” for the announcement of peace in the series is quietly revolutionary. In the twentieth century, male characters could connect in battle, on competitive teams, and through crime. “In the war film, a soldier can hold his buddy — as long as his buddy is dying on the battlefield. In the western, Butch Cassidy can wash the Sundance Kid’s naked flesh — as long as it is wounded. In the boxing film, a trainer can rub the well-developed torso and sinewy back of his protege — as long as it is bruised. In the crime film, a mob lieutenant can embrace his boss like a lover — as long as he is riddled with bullets,” writes Kent Brintnall. Aang and Zuko’s hug starkly contrasts this kind of masculine intimacy. The show suggests that environments shaped by dominance, conflict, coercion, or harm, though seemingly productive in drawing people and especially men together, actually desecrate “friendships.” Only in a climate of humility, diplomacy, and peace can one make a true ‘friend.’

In situating the’ “friendship” between two matured males in a time of peace, the writers hearken back to older concepts of homosocial relationships in our fiction. As Hanya Yanagihara has described the Romantic concepts of friendship that pervaded fiction before the 1900s. In her book, A Little Life, Yanagihara renews this concept for the twenty-first century with a special appreciation for the queerness that one must accept in order for platonic love to thrive into adulthood. She writes, “Why wasn’t friendship as good as a relationship? Why wasn’t it even better? It was two people who remained together day after day bound not by sex or physical attraction or money or children or property, but only by the shared agreement to keep going, the mutual dedication to a union that could never be codified.” Aang and Zuko’s relationship, despite a history that would keep them apart, reclaims this kind of friendship. Their hearts, bound together by an empyrean platonic love, are protected from the political and familial loyalties that would otherwise embroil them. 

In addition to Yanagihara, another author that coats the word ‘friend’ with similar gravity and longing to Avatar is E.M. Forster, who braids platonic friendship in his writing with homoeroticism and political revolution. In Forster’s novel Maurice (originally written in 1914 but published posthumously in 1971 due to Britain’s criminalization of male homsexuality), the titular character asks a lower class male lover lying in bed with him,  “Did you ever dream you had a friend, Alec? Someone to last your whole life and you his? I suppose such a thing can’t happen outside of sleep.” The confession, tinged with grief and providence as it is, could easily reside in Aang’s first monologue to Zuko in “The Blue Spirit.”

 Platonic love as a topic is at the heart of Maurice. Plato’s “Symposium,” from which the term platonic love derives, is even directly referenced in the book and connected with “the unspeakable vice of the Greeks”— slang for homosexual acts. For Forster, the sanction of platonic love, both the homosocial aspect and the latent homosexuality, reveals a culture’s liberation. “If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend,” Forster wrote in his essay “What I Believe,”, “I hope I should have the guts to betray my country.” This echoes a sentiment of philial love described by Plato. 

Rather than revolutionary ideals, for Forster friendships, and specifically friendships that disregard homophobia, provide the foundation for peace, equality, and democratic proliferation. When Aang and Zuko embrace, they are embodying this ideal.  Platonic love and the word “friend” have a history intertwined with queer romantic love, and, while I won’t argue that Avatar attempts to directly evoke this, I will suggest that the series consciously leaves room for this association. Now, the show certainly makes no attempt to imply anything romantic between Zuko and Aang within the timeline we witness (nor any same sex characters, which reflects cultural expectations in the 2000s). And for good reason, the age gap would be notably icky, to use the technical term. (You might note, however, that the show actually allows for crushes to extend upwardly across the same age gap, when Toph accidentally reveals her affection for Sokka to Suki in “The Serpent’s Pass.”) Despite connecting queer friendships to the history of ‘platonic love,’ Avatar provides two critiques to platonic love for audiences to absorb. One is the pederasty with which Plato defined his ultimate form of love in his Symposium. Fans rightfully comment on the age gap between Aang and Zuko as something preventative to shipping them together. And beyond the fact of their ages, Aang’s youthfulness is emphatic, as I remarked earlier. Aang and Zuko are prevented from consummating their platonic love until both are deemed mature in the last moments of the series. And even then, their relationship is directed toward future development rather than conclusion. Instead of cutting away, they are allowed to exit their scene together toward a speech about hope and peace. This stands in stark opposition to the permanence of Aang and Katara’s kiss. The platonic love in Avatar, the kind EM Forster cherishes, is relegated to adulthood as opposed to other kinds of boyish friendships. The conclusion of Avatar, at least for me, actually feels especially satisfying because it settles our characters in the “new era of love and peace.” It is a beginning, and it feels more expansive than the actions the characters choose to take in the episode. Even as our characters conclude three seasons of narrative tension as the sun sets and “The End” appears on the screen, it feels instead as if their stories can finally begin. The characters are allowed to simply exist for the first time. Yes, Aang and Katara or Zuko and Mai are allowed to embrace and kiss, but it’s because the pressures of empiricism have finally been banished. They are now allowed to try things and fail and make mistakes and explore. Things don’t feel rigid or permanent, whether that be one’s identity or one’s relationships.

Ideally, within the morality of the series (at least as it appears to us with no regard for whatever limits or self-censorship occurred due to its era of production and child-friendly requirements), “friends'' are maintained alongside romantic partnerships. Both Zuko and Aang’s separate romantic relationships blossom within the same episode that they declare their “friendship.” In fact, a vital plotline is the development of Zuko’s relationship with Aang’s romantic interest. While anyone in the fandom is well aware of the popular interpretation of romantic affection between Zuko and Katara because of their shared narrative, I have to point out that romantic feelings across the series are made extremely explicit through statements, blushes, and kisses. Zuko’s relationship with Katara can be better understood in the light of the coming-of-age counternarrative. While the love interest often serves as a catalyst for separation for a homosocial relationship, the friendly relationship with Aang’s love interest—seeking her forgiveness, respecting her power, calling on her support, etc—is vital for Zuko to ultimately create an environment of peace in which he and Aang can fulfill their destined “friendship.” In fact, we can look at Katara’s femininity as the most important device for manifesting Aang and Zuko’s eventual union. It’s her rage against misogyny that frees Aang from his iceberg, midwifing him into the world again after his arrested development, the complete opposite of a Wendy figure. It’s her arms that hold Aang in the pieta after his death in the Crossroads of Destiny, positioning her as a divine God-bearer. Afterwards, its her hands that resurrect Aang so that they together can fulfill his destiny. It will be these same hands with this same holy water that resurrect Zuko in the finale. Only through Katara’s decided blessing could Aang and Zuko proceed toward the fated reunion of their souls.

The importance of this critical relationship to femininity becomes relevant to a scene in “Emerald Island Players” that one might note as an outstanding moment of gay panic. Zuko and Aang, watching their counterparts on stage, cringe and shrink when, upon being saved by The Blue Spirit character in the play, Aang’s performer declares “My hero!” Instead of the assumption of homophobia, I wonder whether we might read Aang and Zuko’s responses as discomfort with the misogynistic heterosexual dynamics the declaration represents. Across the board, Avatar subverted the damsel in distress trope. There’s a-whole-nother essay to be written on all the ways it goes about this work, but the events in “The Blue Spirit” certainly speak to this subversion. It’s quite explicit that Zuko, after breaking Aang’s chains, is equally dependent on Aang for their escape. And, by the end of the actual episode, the savior role is reversed as Aang drags an unconscious Zuko away from certain death. To depict these events within the simplistic “damsel in distress” scenario, as The Ember Island Players do, positions Aang as a subordinately feminized colonial subject, denies him his agency, and depicts the relationship as something merely romantic, devoid of the equalizing platonic force that actually empowers them. The moment in the play is uncomfortable for Aang and Zuko because it makes Zuko the hero and Aang the helpless object. Aang is explicit about his embarrassment over his feminized and infantilized depiction in the play. And Zuko, newly reformed, is embarrassed to see, on one hand, his villainy throughout the play and, on the other hand, see how his character is positioned as made out as a savior to the person who has actually saved him.

At the heart of the series is not the idea of a chosen one or savior. Instead, we are saved by the ability for one person to see themselves in another person and to feel that same person equally understands their own soul. This is the ideal of platonic love. Platonic love between two matured boys—two boys with whose memories and bodies bare the scars of their queer sensitivities—is an essential part of the future of peace. Many fans have a sense of this, labeling the relationship as “brotp” and “platonic soulmates.” I simply encourage people to acknowledge that platonic love, especially in this context, is not a limit. There is no “no homo” joke here. When we remark on the platonic love between Zuko and Aang (and across media more generally) we are precisely making room for friendship, romance, and whatever else it could mean, whatever else it might become. While I find Legend of Korra lacking and in some ways detrimental to appreciating the original series, it’s finale interestingly parallels and extends this reading of platonic love in a sapphic vein. And most recently, She ra Princess of Power was able to even more explicitly realize these dynamics in the relationship between Adora and Catra. Let’s simply acknowledge that Aang and Zuko’s relationship blazed the trail: that peace, happiness, hope, and freedom could all hinge on a “friendship,” because a “friend” was never supposed to be set apart from or less than other kinds of relationships. For the ways it disregards gender, disregards individualism, disregards dominion, platonic love is the foundation of any meaningful relationship. And a meaningful relationship is the foundation for a more peaceful world.  *Author’s note: I’m just tired of sitting on this and trying to edit it. It’s not perfect. I don’t touch on all the symbolism and nuances in the show and in the character’s relationships. And this is not meant to negate any ships. It’s actually, quite the opposite. This is a show about growth and change and mistakes and complexity. Hopefully you can at least appreciate this angle even if you don’t vibe with every piece of analysis here. I just have no chill and need to put this out there so I can let my obsession cool down a bit. Enjoy <3

[dawniebb]

Face reveal bc yes

So, guys...especially from the Renegades fandom bc i’m the most active there: you saw the title lmao. This will...barely get notes (i wonder if it’ll get notes at all) buuUUUT YEAH LET’S GOOOO (If you’re gonna reblog pls be respectful bc i have issues and btw reblog ONLY if we are mutuals)

THIS IS ME! <3 HELLOOOO!!!

Now, if you want to stop here, do it. If you don’t...well

I’m going to tell you a story about myself and why I decided to post this.

First of all, I’m not celebrating anything. I’m just celebrating me, I guess (?) and in fact I’ve been wanting to do this since my parents got me a She-Ra cake for my 20th birthday back in May, because I loved that thing and felt the physical need to shove that thing into everyone’s faces But I didn’t because I didn’t feel ready enough...then that thought left my mind, and it came back like two weeks ago.

I’ve had mental issues since I was in like...elementary school. I’m sure I had felt depressed before I turned 12; however, the first memory I hold of feeling so, it’s when I was already 12. Because it was then when I realized that I wasn’t just a dumb kid who didn’t know how to make friends xd To this day, I genuinely feel like I was suffering from isolation bullying; you know xd my classmates purposely excluded me from activities, they would find any excuse for not letting me join their work teams and stuff like that; during my last year at elementary school, I only had like one friend, and that one friend and I shared a sort of abusive/toxic relationship, as in: manipulation, “we’re best friends. you should only talk to ME”, and then this friend turned her back at me too, because she decided to join the rest of the group and ignore me.

lol.

And I remember wondering what was I doing wrong. Like, why didn’t people like me; why didn’t they want to hang out with me; why did everyone seem to have friends except me. And then I got trapped into a very...dark place, and I remember being overthinking one day, because I tend to overthink a lot...and I remembered this specific kid who was in the same class as me.

I was in the line for the teacher to check my homework, and this kid, a boy, was behind me.

You see. I’ve always been chubby xd I don’t think I’ve ever been skinny since I was 2 years old or so, because by the time I was in kindergarten my classmates’ moms were already calling me a ‘little meatball’ thinking it was a fucking adorable nickname because Mexican moms can be pretty shitty sometimes don’t let the media stereotypes fool you not all of them are all cheerful and upbeat and when I was in elementary school, for some reason, besides being chubby, I had a really bad posture. And this boy who was behind me started imitating my way of walking and his friends were laughing, so I turned around and asked him wtf his problem was xd and he turned around to his friends and asked “Do you see how hunchback she is?” like I wasn’t even there xd and I genuinely tried to slap him but I couldn’t, and he said “Yo, stop moving because you’re going to cause an earthquake”

And my mom has always felt personally attacked for the fact I’m...u know, fat. She has always been very insistent on the fact I need to lose weight and stuff like that. And her, mixed with my experiences at school, made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

But my mind started saying things like “And u know why you aren’t enough? Because you’re fat”

Because, like, the day of the hunchback insult, when I told the teacher, who was a very shitty teacher btw but i’m not talking about her again today (i’ve already talked about her in MANY of my university papers, because I’m studying to be an English teacher), she turned around at him and said “Don’t listen to HER” and to this day I still don’t know why xd

But it made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Because I was fat.

Lol x2.

To this day, I still don’t know if I have an ED. Like, I genuinely don’t know. But I can safely say that, if I have one, it’s more likely BED... because, through the years, I managed to lose weight when I turned like 15 and I had my quinceañera party, but then first year of high school came and I had a relapse into depression...like, this might come off as a very unpopular opinion, but junior high school was dope for me x’d I remember it as one of the best years in my life, right after my second and third year in high school (high school in Mexico lasts only three years) and so...when I started my first year in high school and got fucking depressed again, I gained ALL that weight back, and even doubled it. During my second year of high school, I met my friends. The friends I still keep with me to this day. And they accepted me like the fucking train wreck I was, failing math like three times in a row and crying about it every single one of those times  because I’m pretty sure I have dyscalculia but my parents won’t listen to me they think i’m just lazy when it comes to math even though they know i cant even read a fucking clock . And them, along with my another very close friend who I met via fanfction when I was 12, helped me go through it. Like, I did have some issues with my body during high school, but not as much as you would expect. They were getting pretty bad in my first and second semester, but during the other four my friends managed to stop me from losing my mind, even when it all went to shit in my third year again for different reasons.

Then I graduated from high school, and I made friends there too. Although my best friends are still my friend from fanfiction, my friends from high school and just one of my university friends. And you know...I was left...pretty scarred from the shit that happened during third year of high school, and even if I didn’t feel like I was *that* depressed, I did gain a lot of weight.

Like, the highest I’ve ever been. Then my dad got sick during October from last year, then my two doggies were murdered god i fucking hate my neighbors the same day my dad was released from the hospital and my mom went kinda nuts during December and I wanted to just...yeah.

So I did a lot of emotional eating. Like, y’all don’t understand.

It was like...I would go to uni and eat a brownie. Then chocolates on my way home. THEN a “a snack” like...fucking rice krispies. Then a huge ass meal, with soda bc why not. Then I would have either cookies or hot cheetos as a treat after my huge ass meal,

I’m a short person xd carrying that much weight was making my ribs and back hurt, as well as my legs and feet; my breathing was freaking awful, and there were some days were I got SO paranoid I just said things like “i’m gonna die today” or “out here trying to get diabetes like the rest of your family, aren’t you??” :’) but i didn’t tell anybody. My parents are not really an option in this case, BUT I didn’t tell my friends, because then I would have to explain that I ate a lot and that was something I was EXTREMELY ashamed of.

When February came, I was scared of going out, because I knew I would have to choose what clothes to wear and nothing fit me anymore and, the things that did, looked super stretched on me and, u know, I was sore. My health was getting bad. But I didn’t like to feel that way.

AND I MUST CLARIFY HERE. I’M WORKING ON THAT. I’M ACTUALLY A BODY POSITIVY DEFENDER, I JUST DIDN’T LIKE HOW *I* LOOKED AND, BESIDES, I WAS GETTING SICK. I GENUINELY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT. I’M NOT SAYING BEING FAT OR CHUBBY IS DISGUSTING. NO. I BELIEVE ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL. AND IF I’M WRITING THIS IS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW RECOVERY IS DISGUSTING AND DIFFICULT SOMETIMES AND THAT IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT: I’M SORRY. NOBODY SHOULD EVER FEEL LIKE THAT. I SUPPORT YOU. AND I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER. AND NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE TO CHANGE ONLY IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE. BECAUSE IT’S YOUR BODY. KEEP HOLDING ON.

But going back to the story...

My friends used to tell me I looked pretty all the time, which I appreciate a lot to this day. But my parents were like

Me: I’m fat and I look deformed.

Them: I agree.

Because yeah.

Just before the pandemic madness happened, I went on a school trip with my uni friends and one of them triggered my isolation trauma in the worst way possible...and that, somehow, ruined ALL the photos I took throughout the trip. Because I wasn’t enough. Because I was deformed and fat and I looked like an apple. Because nobody wanted to be seen near me. And my personality was shitty.

Like, I should’ve known I was worth it. I’m still worth it and I know that. But I wasn’t less worth it when I was chubbier. And maybe I didn’t look as bad as my head made me believe. But at the time my mental health was extremely awful.

Now, covid happened.

Not gonna lie. Quarantine fucked me up as much as it fucked everyone else, but for me...by not going out, I stopped being near trigger foods, and I was even able to consult a dietitian.

I’ve lost 15 kg since March. And I’ve managed to love my past self, but I love this one because changing it was my decision. Sure, my parents didn’t help a lot, but in the end it was MY decision. I’ve come to accept I was worth it even when I felt disgusted by myself, and all of those awful things people said or did to me, like my friend during that trip...

I didn’t deserve any of those things. Because NO ONE deserves to be treated that way.  No one deserves somebody else making fun of them. No one deserves somebody else doing awful things to them that they know damn well that they trigger their childhood trauma. No one deserves to be judged for the way they look.

I was in a very dark place, and sometimes I’m still inside there. And like...during all those times, I kept posting in here.

I remember being next to my dad in the hospital, telling him “Guess what? Supernova drops this week” or “We’re going to watch TDP together, right?” or “Let me talk to you about She-Ra...” ....those were things that like...saved my life for a while, though mostly Supernova. Because, actually, Marissa Meyer has helped me in my fucking darkest years x’d from my third year of high school until now.

Her books didn’t take my depression away, but they did make things a little lighter for me, even when I felt like dying.

And I know this fandom is like..full of minors, so...I don’t know if any of you need to hear this: But you’re worth it.

If you want to change anything in your body, do it because YOU want to.

Because YOU’LL like you better.

Because it’s YOUR body, and it’s the only part of yourself that you and other people can touch.

Nobody should ever tell you you’re worthless because of your weight and your physical appearance. And if they ever do, then they’re the ones who should apologize, not you.

Nobody has the right to mistreat you, abuse you, or use your own body against you.

As for me...my ribs don’t hurt anymore. Nor does my back or my feet, and my breathing is getting better; I took the conscious decision to lose weight but, like I said, now that I’m not in such a dark place, I’m staring to realize that the past me wasn’t as hideous as my mind was making me believe. She was okay; she was broken inside, but she didn’t deserve anything that happened to her, nor did she deserved to treat herself that badly.

I posted my photo just to celebrate that I can finally said I’m not disgusted anymore. I can finally see myself in pictures again. And see my own reflection. Or go through my closet. Or do my makeup, because I LOVE doing my makeup and I was even ashamed of that. I’m not fully okay yet, but I’m healing.

So, if there’s any little Dawnie around here: I hope you give yourself a chance and realize you’re beautiful.

I hope that, if you change, it’s because you wanted to do it.

I hope you know that it’ll get better even if the healing process it’s not that easy.

I hope you know there’s people who love you.

I hope you know that you are beautiful. You were always beautiful and, no matter what path you choose, you’ll always be beautiful.

And worth it.

And human.

And important.

Take care of yourself, because you’re wonderful, no matter your size <3

[mari-vargas]

Hey, I’ve got a weird one for you today. I want to tell the story of my favorite bully from when I was a kid.

Ya, like I said it’s a weird one.

I was bullied a lot growing up. I was quiet and didn’t really fight back over it. Honestly for the most part I didn’t care. It always felt worse for me when I tried to fit in, and I never succeeded anyways so basically my choices were “be comfortable and be made fun of for it” or “be uncomfortable and be made fun of for failing to do it right”.

Now I also have some blocked memories from bullying, so I can’t really speak to those, and I only know they exist because of an unconscious reaction to one bully approaching me and calling my name from behind while I was visiting my friend at my old school. This story is not about that however.

This is about the clique at the school I attended after that one. They were a group of mean nasty girls with money who’d pick on girls without, or would pick on you for going through puberty at a different rate than them, or for your opinion on who’s cute and who’s not or what should constitute a crush. They’d also pick on you for physical problem. One girl in our class was on crutches for months with a boot on one foot, and unfortunately she was already a target for this group because she wore her hair short and had started puberty long before anyone else (before I’d even started at this school).

There were two (and after one particular incident my opinion changed to three) especially mean girls, who I will refer to as K and M (the third is C). They would tear you down over every little thing. The thing about being the kind of kid I was, though, is that when someone is going somewhere to breakdown alone, they don’t really notice the quiet kid already occupying the hiding space due to their only two friends having a year long row with each other they didn’t have any business getting dragged into. As such I know that K, M, and C all had absolutely horrendous mothers, C had an unhealthy obsession with pleasing her father, K and M didn’t have great situations with their fathers (likely distant and mostly uninvolved), and K had some odd situations involving older siblings, and all three had stupidly high expectations placed on them—not about grades, but about appearances. So ya…I fully admit to doing the stupid thing and getting them to direct all their attention toward me and off of that one girl and away from my “friends” even though they’d basically disowned me. Because I mean really, I didn’t care what they had to say to or about me, their toxic opinions couldn’t really reach me. My friends on the other hand definitely tore me down. Their opinions did matter to me. So ya I was in a rough spot because of my “friends” and other stuff happening in my life but the bullies’ words really didn’t matter to me so I took it all on.

But this story also isn’t about me trying to say “ah yes I was strong against bullying ha ha ha!” I wasn’t, I just know that even back then I could tell whose actions were gonna affect me more. This is about one of the things the clique girls singled out on me and would’ve succeeded in actually tearing me down further than I’d ever been (again, in existing memory, because I have no clue what’s in those blocked memories and I don’t plan on ever disturbing them).

I have eczema, and a lot of triggers for it. The worst trigger to deal with though is stress. It’s not something I can remove like sugar or Red 40, it’s not something I can wash away like dust, not something I can soothe away with lotion and lots of water like dehydration. I have anxiety. Basically I’m always stressed. But anyways that year was a really rough year, with my friends fighting and my parents almost getting divorced and this was before my “twin” got her own phone so I had no reliable way to talk with her and my sister had just started driving… so I had my huge unavoidable trigger, plus this was before (or rather more specifically this was THE year) we discovered I was allergic to Red 40, and and and… Point is I had an extremely bad eczema outbreak. I’d always get it the worst on the back of my upper thighs. It was so bad that just to prevent it from getting worse while sitting in class, we had to tape these large patches of gauze over them. This school had a uniform and quite frankly the material for the bottoms was pretty uncomfortable to move in in the form of pants and shorts, so I often wore these pleated skirts my dad and I sewed because the pleats gave way more room to move.

So I’m wearing this skirt, with the gauze taped to the back of my thighs, and I’m out on the playground about to attempt the monkey bars (and being fully aware I’d fail, but I’d already finished like three books that day and it was only lunch and the monkey bars were at least still far enough away from where my friends were loudly arguing). M and K take notice that I’m gonna do something worthy of being mocked over so they gather their clique and bring them over to strike. C had been egging my friends on, but reluctantly was dragged away—reluctant that is, until she caught sight of something peculiar on the back of my thighs. So she called it out, jeeringly, “what’s that?” pointing at the gauze. So I tell her, simply, that it’s gauze. M rolls her eyes and joins C in sneering “why’s it taped on your legs?” So I tell them I have eczema and it’s pretty bad right now so it’s covered to help prevent it from getting worse. M asks what eczema is, so I start to explain “it’s a rash—“ only to be cut off by M and C loudly yelling “ew! It’s contagious your contagious you’re gonna give us all your rash” etc etc. K had been looking uncomfortable at the start of this which was unusual because usually it wasn’t C jumping in like this with M, it was usually K. I was trying to cut in to what M and C were yelling to explain that it wasn’t contagious, but again I was a quiet kid. I couldn’t cut people off, it was basically physically impossible for me at this time. But I wound up not needing to. Right when I was noticing that K wasn’t participating and was even looking uncomfortable, her discomfort transformed into determination. She cut off M and C and told them in no uncertain terms about how eczema was an autoimmune disorder transferred genetically and was in no way contagious and there was no way I could have prevented my own body from attacking me. She told them all that she had a cousin with bad eczema and that this was absolutely not something they could target to pick on me over. She then followed that up with a jibe at my lack of arm strength and my tiny feet, as though to demonstrate acceptable things to mock me over.

It might be a little stupid, but at that moment when everyone turned to mocking me for how small I was and how bad I was at climbing, I was so happy. So relieved. Because to this day I can’t stand to look at the back of my thighs, fully believing they are still covered with thick gnarled scar tissue. Because any attention brought to my eczema always made the itching and burning worse. Because any time my eczema worsened I felt horrible and that it was my fault for not being better at ignoring it. K stood up for me and saved me from the worst instance I can remember of a bully’s words actually getting to me. They didn’t stop going after me for it, but they had to do it quietly or else K would come down on them with all her righteous fury. I don’t think I ever got any physical attacks after that incident either and I know none of them wanted to touch me, still claiming I was contagious, but after that first time it didn’t bother me as much because I knew at least one of them understood.

K changed after that. She seemed to start noticing what people were truly bothered by and what they didn’t really care about, and she’d redirect mocking towards the unimportant things.

I left that school at the end of that year, but the next year apparently things in the social scene there went even worse. Remember my fighting friends? Ya that didn’t stop after just one year. Remember how C had been egging them on? She had gotten one of the other clique girls to support one while she backed the other. Soon enough, the whole clique had divided to back one or the other of my ex-friends—people they had mercilessly bullied for years and were now claiming to be besties with. I don’t know what exactly happened with K. Could’ve been something with volleyball or cheerleading. Could’ve been something with the bullying. Could’ve been a change in financial situation. But a year or two after I left she was booted to the curb from the clique. Full cold shoulder and then some.

She wanted to go to the fair, but as I mentioned her family situation was dismissive at the best of times. Her mother finally relented and said she could go IF she found someone to go with because they certainly didn’t have time for something so frivolous. She tried everyone and was shut out at every bend. Until, that is, she came across my phone number in her contacts from that brief time I was on the volleyball team because they didn’t have try outs that year because they almost didn’t have enough people for a team the year prior. So in a last ditch attempt, she messaged me to see if I’d be willing to go to the fair with her. And I thought back to that day she stood up for me, and how she had started redirecting her friends attention away from true land mines, and I went to my parents asking if I could meet a friend at the fair on that particular night. Because she needed a friend, even just for a night.

When we got there, she was all alone outside the front of the fair entrance. No family in sight. They had dropped her off and left. She was straining her neck around the crowd. I waved and ran up to her. She started crying as soon as she’d spotted me. She blubbered out her situation with her once friends and how she wouldn’t have been surprised if I hadn’t shown up because of how she used to treat me and so on and so forth. After she had calmed down we went to the fair and had a great time and I got to see a little spark of light return to her eyes.

So ya, she bullied me, and wound up getting exactly that in turn, but she also stood up for me at one of my worst moments, and I apparently did the same for her.

A year later and M for some reason invited me to a Halloween party she was throwing. I decided to go, and well that was basically the last time I ever spoke to my ex friends from that school. I was picked on by M and C and their cronies old and new while I was there and I decided that ya there was no need for me to be there and I called for a ride and left while there was still probably another 2-3 hours left of the party.

[kikiscastleinthesky]

THE SOKKASM ZUTARA

I’ve seen a lot of tumblr blogs that ship zutara and I decided that is time for me to open mine too. So, yes, I’m a zutara shipper. And for the time being, my posts are going to be dedicated principally to analyze the ships in ATLA. 

Disclaimer alert:  I’m not forcing anyone to ship zutara. And I won’t accept hate because I (and many others) may have a different opinion, If you are one of those persons I invite you to leave, don’t waste my time and yours, because I’m not even going to reply. Everyone has the right to ship whatever they like and want, without been mocked, harrassed and humiliated. 

Well... now that everything is settled: 3...2...1 go!

I’m starting with this small analysis, because every zutara shipper has been attacked on why zutara and zutara is horrible yada yada but, this ocassion I’m gonna use all the attacks we get and defend it. 

I. Zutara is way the worst toxic relationship:

You call Zuko the abuser, the toxic and the bad tempered? Then you     didn’t get a clue of his redemption arc.

You call zutara toxic for:

a)     giving your mother’s closure and final acceptance into the group?

b)     saving each other’s life?

c)     being the “leading co-parenting” of the group?

d)     support you when you’re about to beg for his uncle forgiveness?

II. The cave scene didn’t mean anything, and just think about it, they would never ever get along well:•      

  Of course, I misunderstood Zuko confessing his own grief, probably he just hates her.

When Katara opens to her mother sorrow like she never did with anyone was like no big deal.

 That part when she offers to heal his scar with SACRED water was totally illogical.

And being the first person who he let touch his scar really said to me that they were absolutely toxic.

 Yes, he betrayed her initial trust. And it hurt, but guess who betrayed worst? The man who for three years was his father. But nope, Iroh, should never forgive Zuko, for what he did. (Right? Katara was betrayed and she should bever have interest in him, so Iroh would never forgive his abuser, right?)

III. Zutara is about getting in love with your abuser:

The abuser love? When did Zuko abused Katara? When did he forced to do something she didn’t want? Did he ever physically abused her or sexually assaulted her? Even if he tied her to a tree, he never humiliated her, he never hurt her or overpass against her. Or are you trying to make up his whole plot to eliminate all his attacks towards team avatar only rest in the female character? (Have you forgot how he betrayed his uncle? Or even himself?)

IV. Zutara is an age gap, it would be underage thing. “You don’t like Aang because he is a child and still pair Zuko, being a minor.” You want to hypersexualize two kids (Aang and Katara) into having sexual interest.

Katara would have been dating an underage guy too. She would have been 18 and Aang 16. I know! Age gap only matter when the man’s older. Both Katara and Zuko had gone through puberty, and both were in adolescence, both shared the same maturity level. Yes dude, there a huge difference in being a CHILD and being a TEENAGER, yes, still minor, But with puberty hit already.

Actually, I still believe even being 11-12 you can get like a… spark… a hint. Even if its not a relationship whatsoever, and not having sexual interest of any kind. If you really want to see what closest we get to a “real” attraction and potential between kiddos that age, you get S1Mike and Eleven (stranger things) / you get Chihiro and Haku (Spirited away) / you get Pazu and Sheeta. (The castle in the sky) –Wooo, that really changes things right?

But yet there are people that believe shipping zutara is “pedophile” I thought in seriously not replying to this stupidities but, here I am, dismantling their theories.

So, this is real life. An adult person trying to sleep with a prepubescent kid. So… there is no support on this. Because a ship is about two fictional characters in a fictional story.

What about fictional pedophilia? Well, we can change that: Fictional pedophilia is a psychosexual disorder when you ship an adult fictional character (+18) to have a sexual interest in a fictional prepubescent child (-12) and / or attempt to engage both characters in sexual acts.

So step one… are either Zuko or Katara either an adult or prepubescent child? As you can see in the image at the right, both have gone through puberty. Step two, are you trying to a couple of minors to get sexually involved? No, this is a love story, not porn. And before you yell at me for the porn zutara comics/fics on the web, I guess you should see the porn Kataang /fics comics on the web too.

But I don’t hate any ship. So, technically, neither Kataang, nor Sukka, nor Yukka, nor Jetara, nor Maiko is pedophilia.

Ok, yeah yeah its not pedo, but is statutory rape, so yet it’s illegal.

Oh yes, if we state that 18 is the age where you are considered an adult (at least in my country) both are minors, your term is partially correct. But guess what would be statutory rape too?

Sukka (15) and Maiko (16-17), both implied to have sex relationships and canon during the series.

The episode "The Southern Raiders" became (in)famous among the fandom for what is a truly epic instance of this trope. Zuko bumps into a very flustered Suki on the way to Sokka's tent, and she hurriedly excuses herself. He walks into Sokka's tent to ask him a question and finds him pants-less and surrounded by flowers and candles. He even greets Zuko with a suggestive "Well helloooo..." before he realizes who itis. After a short talk, he rushes Zuko out and sticks his head out to call for Suki. And if there was any doubt, Sokka is shown the next morning fiddling with a flower necklace for no apparent reason... except to indicate that maybe Suki had been “deflowered”.

And yet, if Kataang had sex, it would be statutory sex at some point too: 16 and 18 -Conclusions: Statutory sex takes all ships equally.

V. Poor Aang he would be devastated.

Kid, he’s 12, in the comics he’s 13-14. Or what? Haven’t you guys had a broken heart ever? Your high school sweetie? Or Aang’s so frail to not be able to find love? To close himself for a better opportunity? Seeking your own happiness in not selfish. What is selfish is seeking your own happiness at the other expenses.

And even that, we all know what would Aang do if Katara starts a relationship with Zuko. (Even if it wasn’t Zuko, I highly doubt he would like Katara dating someone else) He would go on avatar rampage. That is NOT healthy, that is NOT romantic. That is extremely possessive and selfish to do. It’s psychotic. Because Aang cares more about himself than Katara’s feelings, even if she would be happier without him.

VI. Zutara is all about sex interest.

Well once more you mistake chemistry with sexual needs. Wanting me to sleep with my husband means I only use him for sex relief? If I find myself sexually attracted to anyone probably means I just want to sleep with that person and nothing else.

VII. A hug is all zutarians have to acknowledge zutara:

We have a complete extended analysis in all the small details, but we like to use that forgiveness hug because in that hug you have more potential that all the kataang scenes all together. We have thousands of complete analyses, pages dedicated exclusively zutara. 

VIII. Katara “fell in love with Aang” and it’s not one sided.

Uh... Nope, just because two persons are good friends it doesn’t mean they are a good couple. Yes, the way the both of them interact is absolutely beautiful, But not romantically.

Do we see Katara’s view on romantically being drawn towards Aang? Yes, we see it, and yes, unfortunately, is one sided.

How Kataangers complete this:

·       The fortune-teller: I didn’t see like “Wow omg the avatar is going to be my future husband!” But… was like “uh… really?… well, I guess it’s him” Zutarians and Aunt Wu are the base for many backs up theories. ;) Aang is not the only powerful bender you know? And actually, that episode is way trying too hard to demonstrate the crush Meng has for Aang and Aang has to Katara. How is even healthy to accept that sometimes persons don’t like you back and it’s not the end of the world.

·       The cave scene: I forgot that Katara is telling him to be her boyfriend and they will live happily ever after. And really, it all gets us to a real Oma and Shu theory. Not to mention that they were “forced” to kiss because their kids innocence believed if they kissed, they wouldn’t die, and that Aang messed up things as well. But if you see it beneath, if she was truly interested, she would have told Aang: “wow omg we kissed, ok. let’s give him a clue…” nothing, she goes back in treating him same as always.

·       The headband dance: Well that’s a fair point yes. Actually, I felt something different…unfortunately Katara later had to tell him not to kiss her.

IX. Zutara is because you projected on Katara and had a crush on Zuko, because Katara and Zuko were your favourite characters and because is the bad boy style romance.

My crush was Jet <3, and zutara was the most logical endgame for girls. Ask any girl, ANY 14 yo who would like to date: A high school, nice and handsome guy or a 7th grader that had potential to be her best friend. (See the logic) 

And nope is not like “Insert fav characters of the opposite sex to ship them” You need to see real development.

I don’t know why they stereotype Zuko as the “bad boy” – relationship archetype. Zuko is never seen to be the classic fuck boy who treats girls like shit and suddenly there comes a lady to change him. Maybe he is a “bad boy” (confused though) in S1 and S2, but his redemption arc is literally the answer of why he is not “bad boy” anymore.

If Katara was truly and really romantically interested then she wouldn’t have friendzoned Aang. Once? Nope 4 times. And also… are we forgetting kind of imagery…

Friendzoned  

 When Aang fixes her a small necklace with the fishing  thread.

 When he kissed her at the invasion. She didn’t  reciprocate it. (I’m not even mentioning the mommy proud speech)

 When he wanted to talk about the kiss in the western  air temple (Comic love is a battlefield)

 When he kissed her at the play and she had to told  him to back off.

 Strange imagery

 She was June Pippinpaddleopsokopolis (Aang’s  granddaughter)

When Aang got shot, she held his body in her arms in  the exact way Mary held Jesus in Pieta’s sculpture.

 She was Sapphire Fire. (Aang’s pregnant mother)

After they got married, in the book legacy, she said  she enjoyed most seeing Aang becoming a man. (Honestly ladies if I got a BF  the least I want is seeing how the kid transforms into a man)

I’m looking forward to watch you grow into manhood  as I did to your father (Katara’s letter to Tenzin)

 I’m really  trying to deny Oedipus complex here.

Still hard for me to track Katara’s love interest for little Aang since all we see is more a relationship mom/sister or Harry/Hermione. I have heard rumours that Bryke wanted to give the ship “mystery” and “expectation” but I think they really messed up, I didn’t see expectation or mystery, I saw a child insisting to a girl that didn’t reciprocate. It wasn’t even like she didn’t have much of a chance, because her love interests:

Was killed by Long Feng

Gave him a hideous mustache and disappeared him after Azula’s attack in the western air temple.

Forced to be attached to a toxic relationship.

Apart that all those points I’ve mentioned, Kataang is not a relationship for me. Staying in a formal relationship with the first person they met of the opposite sex at 14 -12 (guys not even Disney does that, jeez not even studio Ghibli) and not having any chance to experience any other relationship. Never experiencing a broken heart, or someone better. I think that it gives the wrong idea, telling guys that no matter how long they are placed in friendzone, eventually the girl will fall for them. They just have to keep insisting.

You could say, but what a hypocrite! Snow White was 14 years old when she went to live with that prince! Many princesses are 16! And not to mention that many men were the first they met! Like Aurora, Rapunzel, and Cinderella. Well, you are right at one point. But ... the interaction of these characters changes radically, mainly because they never "give cute kisses" to their future husbands, nor do they treat them like their brothers or their children and ... the men were never friendzoned, except for Naveen at the beginning. You see the real attraction of teenage girls with an older boy. And I'm not saying that they should never be friends or support each other. Mulan and Chang were allies, friends, they supported each other, they saved their lives. But at no time was there the kind of interaction Katara and Aang had.

If Kataang was to be endgame, we would see Katara’s reaction to Jet, totally different, THAT kind of reaction was what I was waiting. (That kind of reaction is what every princess do, at least one time)

The same chemistry we saw in Yukka / Sukka. Honestly, I saw more chemistry between Haru and Katara.

Or at least give us some character development like: Aang, I know my feelings where not as you wanted but now I decided I want to be with you because (list everything here except he being the avatar), I really like you, perhaps we can give it a shot. Or like several things that could clue us that she is interested (come on people, two persons can kiss/hug/ have sex and that doesn’t imply they will be together in a formal relationship) But all we got was: Oh, right, he’s the avatar... suddenly I fell for him and I’m gonna kiss him fully in the mouth and that’s how I’ll tell him and that all my confusion has magically disappeared.

X. I’ve never saw that kind of spark between them. Again, it was “Just a hug”

Yes! That’s initially the whole point of it, a friendship hug, the truth of why we don’t need silly blushes. Because that forgiveness hug shows their initial relationship, they are friends! All their love needs to come first from a truthful friendship, by the contrary of calling the “immediate falling” like Aang did for Katara, it shows us that friendship love can evolve into something more beautiful, and that’s why we like the ship, because all zutara shippers know Zuko and Katara wouldn’t fall in love like that all of the sudden, they have to create the romantic relationship, and that’s what we portray in the fics.

What makes Zutara exceptional is that he, sees her, he hears her, he listens what she had to do, at anytime he forced her to do something she didn’t. And before a “teenager adolescence ship” he sees her as a human, with feelings with own ideals and goals.

And there is a complete and extremely well based analysis in: The crossroads of destiny + The southern raiders + The lighting saving.

XI. The comics show us how toxic they really where.

Their interaction in the comics was something I like to call: destroying a character. Not only Katara, who turned to be that awesome badass to the submissive girlfriend. From how I see it in the series to the comics there’s all I have to say: That’s not my girl.

XII. How Katara could be queen of a country that almost aniquilates her tribe and killed her mother? It would be a betrayal.

I think this argument is out. Not valid. Is like saying a Jew can’t date a German because of the holocaust. (German doesn’t mean nazi, just as Zuko, who was from the Fire Nation and didn’t order Katara’s mother assassination, and not every citizen of the fire nation means a ruthless killer). Is like saying that a Japanese can’t date a us citizen because of the bombs in WW2. And even if we see it “political”, is like… an aphrodescendant can’t rule a country that is racist, then Mr. Obama would have never reached the presidency.

Two persons can unify them, because they can demonstrate that being from different country that initally has not good terms can reach peace. The union between those countries represents the power of maturity, of overcoming adversities and the power of forgiveness. *Our lands now connected by love* And I want her to be queen, I want her to rule, I want her in charge, I want her in power. Imagine all the potential she could have (politics, business, negotiations, rebuilding, restoration, education, public health!! ***faints***) Not only for the fire Nation but for the whole world! Imagine that once Zuko abdicated they left to the south pole and she opened a fighting school and a healing school of her own (like master Pakku, but now her students are given a medical license that acknowledges them as professional healers) And this is just an idea. Like these ideas are hundreds. It would have been the perfect feminist role model!

XIII. Since the beginning, Katara was always interested in Aang and she always supported him and was for him when he needed her. That’s proof they were meant to each other.

If a girl expresses faith in your abilities, she loves you, she hugs you, and she supports you clearly she’s completely into you. Because obviously female best friends don’t exist.

[live-long-and-time-warp]

It’s hard to leave your toxic friends... but it’s so worth it

I don’t normally do this, but as I sat in a Saturday morning meeting thinking about all of the things I felt this past Friday, I felt compelled to share my story.

A brief background: throughout college and for several years afterward, I considered my tight-knit group of college friends as some of my closest. In addition to my best friend of 20 years, some friends from high school, my work team, and some other dear friends scattered across the globe and throughout the U.S., this group of college friends was who I considered to be my foundation. This group of friends was extremely important to me, but it was not without its bumps in the road.

In my senior year of college, I had a falling out with one of these friends, the ringleader I’ll call her. I say this because she is quite honestly the source of 95% of my problems with this group. She is a master manipulator, and an expert gaslighter. There were a few others that contributed to this too, but she was by far the worst.

I can’t elaborate on every single thing that this person said and did over our 7 year “friendship” but a brief summary would be: asking me point blank if I thought I might be a lesbian after coming out as bi (to this friend group and in her presence, I might add) only several months prior; asking me how much money I spend on books about “Chernobyl” every month with the implication that she’s concerned about my finances; telling me that my resume may not be as impressive as I think it is (I’m the deputy director of a nonprofit with both state-based and national projects and had been for close to a year prior to this conversation); would clean up the crumbs from in front of me while I was still eating and comment on my messiness; told me that one of our mutual friends doesn’t like discussing politics with me because I get too fired up (again, I work for a nonprofit that deals with social justice); telling me that crying while comforting my friend who had just lost a loved one to suicide after they began crying was weird and that I “stole her thunder” (we were slightly drunk, I’m an empath, and she was talking about some deeply personal things that moved me and crying was my natural response... and oddly, she was appreciative of my tears because I was “the only person that actually stayed with her”); and so much more that I know I’m forgetting.

There were many other things more insidious, including gaslighting me about my inclusion in several group activities and why it should have been obvious why one friend disliked me enough to not invite me to her wedding after years of claiming cluelessness.

In our senior year, I left that friend for the first time after she humiliated me at a party by commenting loudly and with condescension on my weight. When I cut ties with her, I felt as if I had just left an abusive relationship, and for a while I didn’t want to seek a friendship with her again.

But the other friends in our group still hung out with both of us, so eventually I allowed myself to be sucked back in. 

In the years after we graduated, I thought that this person had actually changed- I worked abroad for a year after college, and after returning I saw a marked difference in her demeanor and how she interacted with us. She seemed more self-aware of how her words and actions adversely affected other people, and I thought that maybe the ugliness of that horrible portion of my senior year was now just a faded scar.

But then things escalated very quickly. Over the course of several weeks at the beginning of this year, I started to feel myself questioning whether I had made the right choice in rejoining the group: I was so sure of how I felt after I left it the first time, I felt so empowered and free. So why did I allow myself to rejoin them? Was it really the right choice?

I got my answer a week after the insurrection at the Capitol. One friend who already had a history of saying hateful things about women (which I tried to put a stop to to no avail) finally went full white supremacist asshole, and instead of joining me in calling his comments unacceptable and defending me as he mansplained my job to me, the ringleader criticized me and told me that “I can work in activism and politics and be wrong”.

That’s the moment I finally woke up.

I left the chat that very moment. Every time they added me back without my consent, I left again.

Every time I got message from the ringleader that was full of gaslighting comments and false apologies, I didn’t say a word. Just deleted the message. Finally, I was able to gather the strength needed to block those toxic friends from all social media and my phone. One of these friends was someone I tried to make like me for years after I was told that she hated me for no reason, by her own admission.

Some may not agree with this approach, but I made the choice to cut contact and go radio silent on my own after consulting my friends, specifically my best friend who had been there for me during the incident my senior year.

As weeks went by, some of the true friends from that group reached out, and then immediately backed off after my polite request for space, indicating that I was welcome back at any time and they were always here for me.

The ringleader chose the opposite approach. She continued to gaslight me, made a group chat with myself, the white supremacist, and herself. She sent me messages from her second account, one that I remembered to unfriend but forgot to block. She told me that if I don’t “course correct” by a certain date she would block me on my account (too late, bro) and that “we wish you all the best”. This implies that it was on behalf of the entire group, something I know three of them would never do. However, at this point, I have had to distance myself from all of those friends so as not to give the ringleader the attention she wants from me.

I lost over half of my closest friends over night. It felt like my skeleton had been torn from my body. I considered giving in several times and reaching out to them. But now, over a month later, I understand how necessary it was to excise what was essentially a malignant tumor. The Chernobyl researcher in me wants to compare it to Acute Radiation Syndrome (ARS): an unseen poison that slowly infiltrates every part of your mind and body and rots them from the inside out.

2020 was an extremely hard year for me, as it was for so many. I am so lucky and privileged to have been in the financial situation that I was and had the support of my genuine friends and family.

But it was still the worst year of my life. I have suffered from pretty bad OCD for most of my life, and while I usually keep it under control, last year it became nearly impossible to do so. I also fell very deeply into clinical depression, and worked to the point of burn out and exhaustion. The primary thoughts I had during this depression were: 

“Why aren’t you working? You’re lazy.”

“You’re a failure, you’re 26 and haven’t applied to grad school yet.”

“You piece of shit, still living with your parents? What a disappointment.”

“What is wrong with you?”

It was unbearable. I’m honestly not entirely sure how I survived it, but I think a certain 3-year-old goddaughter of mine and a few close, real friends had something to do with it.

I worked very hard with my friends, a therapist, and a psychiatrist to overcome this depression and get my OCD back under control. Now, I feel like such a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I still have depression, and the OCD will always be with me (like a bad habit... literally?); but I am so much more happy with myself and my life, as I should be.

And I am very, very, very well aware that therapy was not the only reason I have recently begun feeling this way. It’s very hard to see that you’re being manipulated while it’s happening. Because of my trusting nature, sometimes manipulative comments would be interpreted as heartfelt guidance.

It wasn’t until I started the journey away from them that I saw just how much this group and their negativity (because even the best of them weren’t always the kindest) impacted my mental health.

The event that made me want to share this story is this: yesterday was a rough work day. As a full-time community organizer, I am pretty much burnt out all of the time. Breaks are taken, but with projects addressing issues from COVID relief to systemic racism and police brutality, it never feels like enough. 

I had to officially take a step back as a sole lead on an annual event that I organized for two years, and it was gut-wrenching.

Now, I cry often, but I don’t usually get to have therapeutic cries. You know what I mean? Like, as you cry, all of the tension that built up in your body by negative feelings is finally being released with every breath and sob?

Well, the dam finally broke in a team meeting on Friday. I started sobbing and couldn’t stop. And my colleagues were so, so kind. They let me vent, they let me cry, they would not accept my apologies for crying. They told me that I was strong for setting up boundaries, and that they were here for me.

We spent a lot of time at the end of the meeting each talking about our self-care routines. And as I sit here typing this, I am actively trying not to cry at the purity of their support.

This experience has taught me what real friends are. Real friends do not put limitations on your emotions and fears.

Real friends do not give you deadlines for processing your feelings.

Real friends do not criticize you for things that, while they may not agree with, do not affect anyone’s health or marginalize anyone.

Real friends don’t marginalize vulnerable communities.

Real friends help and support you with constructive criticism (when it’s asked for) and love, not patronization and manipulation.

I thought I knew all of these things before, but I know now that I am still learning... and that that is perfectly okay. I don’t regret most of the times we shared together. I am appreciative of the positive memories that their friendships gave me.

Three of the friends in this group are actually good people, and maybe one day when the dust is settled I’ll reach out to them and establish one-on-one friendships with them (if they want to). 

And I have to thank my real friends, including @tryingtobealwaystrying, for all saying the exact same thing: you deserve so much happiness and fuck all of those guys.

So, the point of this post is to tell everyone this: you can leave your toxic friends. It’s incredibly difficult, stressful, and honestly traumatizing. And there’s no shame in needing time or feeling unable to leave those friends now. There’s also no shame in returning to those friends.

But please know, from this nerd to the reader: anyone that makes you feel any less than the beautiful, amazing human being you are and doesn’t want to help you become an even better human on your own terms is not a true friend. They don’t deserve you or the light you can bring into their lives.

And every agonizing step away from those friends is a step closer to a happier, healthier life.