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xellzios · 7 years

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Hope

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The world was turning red and he couldn’t, wouldn’t even try to stop it as all of his thoughts disappeared and turned him back into a monster.

He screamed in fury. There was no turning back.

The feel of the quinque slicing through flesh was a knife in his gut, slowly and painfully going in. A voice, full of despair suddenly sent ceaseless attacks in his ears; one that rang on his ears and broke his heart, one he couldn’t ever dare forget. And the smell of metallic blood and flesh hung to him and left him with a sick feeling that seeped into his nostrils and down his throat.

“This is not your fault, please don’t think of this as your fault,” a set of lips mouthed the words more than she actually spoke them, her eyes wide in panic and realization of what had just occurred. And yet, the same eyes told him – no, begged him to consider her words. There was scarcely any breath left in her to do more, he noted, and yet she was still slowly and painfully trying to walk to where he was. She moved to reach him with her right hand – to try and reach him, but instead, she fell. The loud thud echoed in his body. He wanted to scream at her that it WAS his fault, that had he been stronger and have done this differently, none of this would have happened. But his mouth did not belong to him anymore and he remained voiceless as he watched her crumble towards the ground, clutching her stomach as she let her tears fall while she fought to keep her eyes open. He should have been here, he should have anticipated this, he should have been better. And yet, once again he has proved how useless he was in protecting the people he loved. If he could have stilled and stopped his heart, he would have, but it was out of his control.

Save for his eyes. It was the only thing in his body which followed the scene that unfolded in front of him. And he saw how his wife’s body shimmered from the tears that burned painful trails along his cheeks as they fell. When she collapsed, he wanted to shriek and howl his grief to the skies, but no sound ever came. He couldn’t even bring himself to get angry, not yet. The air around them, muddied with the smell of flesh and blood, a silent crypt.

Yet a harsh, mocking laughter found his way towards his head, scornful of him and his wife. ‘Once again, your inability to choose caused the death of your beloved and your child.’ The voice mocked in a soft, slow whisper. ‘It’s all your fault, hypocrite.’

‘It’s my fault, it’s my fault.

Why?

Why is it always me?

Is it too much to ask for a sliver of hope in this dark, twisted world?’

The world was turning red and he couldn’t, wouldn’t even try to stop it as all of his thoughts disappeared and turned him back into a monster.

He screamed in fury. There was no turning back.

His eyes jolted open and pulled the rest of Ken awake, to stare at a world that was bathed in a nighttime blue so deep, it was almost black. There was a constant thumping in his ear that felt like the sound of heavy rain, yet he realized that it was mostly due to the heavy beating of the heart that mercilessly pounded against his chest. Knowing it didn’t help dissipate any of his panic, and his limbs wouldn’t answer him. The terror in his mind wouldn’t also grasp that his paralysis was from drowsiness and sleep fog. Flashbacks of the scene suddenly filled his thoughts and started an array of panic that made his fingers shake and his legs kick out like a started deer. They bumped against something solid, and he became painfully aware of another warmth that was pressed in is chest, and wrapped around his arms. It pinned him down, and he trashed in panic until he was released with a startled grunt.

“Kaneki!” A voice blurted into his ear, filled with panic and worry. And as he strained to breathe Ken finally grasped what he was pressed against. He twisted around to see his wife staring at him, eyes wide with worry in a way that sent his stomach back into a lurch. And before his heart could jump back to pounding its way out of his chest, she grabbed both of his hands and wrist and palms and clasped them tightly.

Her grip anchored Ken, and gave him the space to breathe and focus on her touch instead of thinking about the panic that was still trashing inside him. His knowledge of his surroundings slowly began to sink in as time passed between the two of them. The roof overhead was still made of the familiar metal, with the worn-out bed still warm against his body.

‘Home.’ They were in the bedroom, not some half crumbling tunnel where blood rained. When he breathed in, there wasn’t the smell of some flowers of death nor dust, or the metallic taint of blood in his nostrils. Though the air had a damp, humid taste to it, he was still thankful. He could now pick out more of the furnishings in the simple room that they shared – the small lamp in the bedside table and the warmth of the blanket that lay forgotten near the edge of the bed, already going as far as falling from it. His body sank back into the old mattress and the bed rustled as he shifted his legs again, this time without any thrashing as he looked back at Touka.

The worry hadn’t dissipated from his face, but Touka kept her voice hushed as she slowly relaxed her fingers one by one, freeing him. They shifted from their position and she allowed Ken to sit, his eyes never leaving her face. He half-sobbed and half-chuckled as he studied her, alive and well. His relief was so palpable, yet the image of her dying has burnt itself into him as he remembered the sadness that swam in her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Touka’s voice brought him back, before he was tangled up with more images yet again.

“Nightmare,” he blurted with a shaking voice. She heard how much each of the syllables he muttered trembled, so she traced her hands from his arms to around his shoulder as her fingers stated to move in circles on his back, doing what she could to ease the fear out.

“Was it –?”

“Y-yeah, the same one.” He knew the question before she even finished, and nodded as he sank into Touka’s arm, finding solace in between the crook of her neck as he breathed her scent. ‘She’s alive, she’s here.’ He kept repeating these words to himself, as if it would be enough to delude him that whatever he had seen didn’t really happen.

‘She’s not dead.’

Having the same nightmare never diminished the terror he felt whenever it visited. It started after their base got attacked by the oggai while they were out hunting for provisions, and it never left.

He couldn’t even count the time he spent trying to process what happened, as the unease in his heart gnawed him. They survived, but they were forever scarred. And it opened up his eyes how his actions spiral into an effect that could mean the death or lives of not only the people whom he wanted to protect, but also the ones who believed in the world that the one-eyed king presented. Fear still kept his throat tight, and his mouth like sand whenever he remembered.

Blood everywhere.

Juuzou’s quinque bringing Touka’s death.

His eyes closed as he forced himself to breathe deep so that the images would fade away. It wasn’t real, they’re alive.

It was fine. Or was it?

“It’s okay, Kaneki.” Her hands moved and cupped either side of his face, keeping their gaze connected. “I’m still here, we both are.” She kissed his forehead to prove a point, her lips radiating with warmth in his clammy skin.

Ken traced his fingers down her arm, resting them over her growing belly. He spread them out until his hands were splayed open-palmed across Touka’s stomach, towards where their child was. He absorbed the feel of her skin and felt the child kick, observing for himself that he was right; ‘Touka’s safe,’ he thought, her skin was unmarked and undamaged. There wasn’t any blood under his touch, though he still kept moving them to make sure. ‘She’s safe and she is here.’

His hands eventually skimmed through Touka’s lower ribs and waist, making her shudder and part her lips in a low moan. Between the pulses, he found her eyes again as their lips finally intertwined. Touka murmured into his mouth, meaningless words that she hoped would give reassurance as they echoed in her mouth and his ears. She was his rock that anchored him from the storm that threatened to sweep him away.

“It was a dream, it wasn’t real.” The same words he kept repeating in his head, she whispered to provide a small comfort of her own. Or at least, an attempt to comfort him even if she knew it still shook him.

He never fully confided in her, even if he was so snug against her and wrapped in her warmth. There was a chill working its way back to his skin, one that didn’t vanish even if he was watching her. Ken could still imagine her face once again contorted with pain and anguish, while her eyes pleaded him not to blame himself.

‘She should know.’ He told himself, fighting against the knots forming in his stomach. ‘She is my other half and my wife. She deserved to know all of it.’

His hand curled into a fist against her collarbone, his face contorted in pain and anguish. He would never forget that day. How could he? He almost lost his mind in worry when he saw their base littered with bodies of both allies and foes. The first thing he tried to do was look for her, hoping that she was ok. And when he did find her, he was ridden with guilt. But even if she was tired and hurt, she was still the one who offered comfort. Guilt ate him afterwards, and if weren’t for the fact that Touka was there to set him straight, he knew he wouldn’t have recovered.

Because he had no choice but to recover. For the future of his people, loved ones and that of his child. Had that been taken away from him as well, he might have already lost it and would’ve become a monster.

‘Be strong,’ he thought, swallowing as he forced himself to speak. “It just wasn’t a dream, Touka-chan,” his voice was rough as if he just swallowed a handful of sand, it pained him to keep speaking. “In my nightmares, I am reminded how close I was to losing you, and I still regret it every day.”

The whirlwind of emotions flooded his thoughts and his mind, drowning what coherency he had left in his speech. “I – if, if only I was a better king, I would have been able to avoid all the senseless death that happened that day.” Battered from the nightmare, he left the full events of his dreams spill out for the first time. His throat rasped when he described how Juuzou cut her, how he was too late to save her and all the ghouls under his care. “I want to do anything I can to undo it, but it doesn’t matter how much I try to cry or beg or even scream – in the dream, you still died. It’s still because of me.”

Touka might have followed his thoughts, as she held him closer, fingers closing around his. “Baka.” She smiled.

“Look.” Her voice was almost too close to the one in his dreams, pleading for his focus to stay with her. The roar of his own heartbeat half-drowning out his voice didn’t help either. When he kept his eyes on their entwined fingers, she looked at him. “Please look at me.” It wasn’t an order, but his head dipped itself to look at her anyway.

She didn’t look scared, or angry or any of what he was half afraid of. What she had instead were concerned eyes narrowing as she brushed some stray hair away from his face. Her fingers were soft with their touches, giving him a slight sense of reassurance, yet it felt like she was afraid that if she pressed too hard, it might break him. And given how fragile he was at the moment, it might come true with the slightest provocation.

“You’re greater than whatever it is your nightmares tell you,” she spoke softly against his ear, pulling him close as she rested her head in his shoulder. “We survived, and we are here. And I know you will do everything you can in your power to keep it from happening again.” He burned from the words, his eyes downcast as he took in everything she said. ‘Can he really do that?’

“I believe in you, Kaneki.” His eyes widened at the magnitude of her words. They were soft, almost a whisper, yet it was as if it was all that he needed.

He held up long enough to listen to her words, before falling into her chest with something that might have been a laugh or a sob. He couldn’t really tell with how much was crashing through him. His face was burning; eyes, throat and even his nose, and he pressed himself into her neck to stall the feeling.

His wife didn’t say anymore, and instead traced her fingers through his hair until they were woven well in and could hold him steady. In another breath, she drew his head close to hers and the rest of his body shifted so that they lay flush together.

Hours later, Touka had an easier time finding sleep than he did. Ken didn’t know what weighed more on him and kept him awake – the worry of what might be waiting for them over the horizon, or the fear of what would be waiting for him in his dreams. He had to bring his own hands and stare at it, and see that the skin was clean with no traces of her blood.

He shifted his gaze to his wife and smiled at her peaceful face. It hadn’t been easy for them during the last months, especially with her pregnancy and the everyday danger that GOAT had to face. Gently, he brushed a stray lock away from her face as he recalled how hard this pregnancy had been on her.

She still hated every bite of human food that she took in order to care for the baby. There was even a time she threw up in his chest because her body had been rejecting it awfully. On days like those, he chose to be at her side almost every waking hour of the day, knowing that he couldn’t, wouldn’t even dare to leave her alone. And even if he knew he was useless, he wanted to at least make sure he could give as much as comfort as he could for her. In some days, it would break his heart for him to see her suffer for the sake of their child, to have to watch her be miserable.

Yet she endured. They endured.

They were both ecstatic to meet their young one, but the fear of what kind of world he would be brought into always lingered in his heart. He wanted his child to be brought into a world where fighting wasn’t needed, where he would be happy to choose and live however he wanted without any repercussions nor danger. Because of this, he had been working extra hard to find a way to achieve peace to end this conflict, and they were close.

He rested a hand on his wife’s bulging stomach, as if silently trying to convey unspoken promises to his unborn child. He knew he had done a sucky job as a king, yet, even after all this time, he had been trying to change – to shift his views for a future that ghouls and humans can enjoy, a future where his child will live happily and laugh freely, for the cycle of hatred and tragedy to end. It was Touka who made him realize that.

“I believe in you.” The words now echoed in his heart and mind.

For the cage to break and reveal a set of white wings that can fly high in a beautiful, peaceful world.

“I believe in you.”

The pregnancy had been a touchy subject when he brought it up with his close friends, yet everyone’s response what that of joy… and hope. Still, although he couldn’t fathom how it could spell as a hope in a world that still seethed with destruction, he felt like this elevated his role not as a king, but because he wanted be a father who wanted to provide his child with a world devoid of danger and troubles. A world without despair and loss – where their child would grow up with both parents showering him with love.

A world without tragedy.

“Still awake?” Touka’s words was laced with drowsiness. “You should get some sleep.”

“I know… just thinking about things.” As he spoke, Touka slid one elbow off him so she could prop herself up on the mattress and look down at Ken. She tried to put a stern look on her face as she listened, which was slightly ruined by the fact that her eyelids were still heavy with sleep.

“I thought we made it clear that it will be my job to plan and consider things from now on?” She said, managing to put some scolding in her voice well enough. Ken grinned back at her as she laid her fingers out on the skin of his shoulders.

“Yes, but I wouldn’t let you do that on your own.” Touka snorted in response and looked at him seriously. “Another thing weighing on your mind now?”

He sighed, looking at her eyes. “Yes.”

His response was enough to pique her curiosity, sleep forgotten as she settled down and rested her head in his chest. “Why?”

“I was thinking about a world where our little one would be happy.” He whispered sheepishly, his cheeks flush from the revelation as he touched his wife’s growing bulge, feeling the life underneath it. “I don’t know how I’d fare as a father, but I want to give this child a world where he does not have to go through the pain that we did.”

Touka smiled at his earnestness and covered the hand in her stomach with her own as she closed her eyes. “You will.”

His gaze shifted to her, seemingly lost on how she could say it with ease. “How can you be sure?”

Sensing his hesitance, Touka put his hand where their child just kicked her, in an attempt to make him feel the growing lifeform inside her that she had tried so hard to protect. “The world changes, Kaneki. What hardship we feel right now doesn’t have to be the same for our child and if he does get hurt or fall down, he has us.” I no longer feel worried that you will disappear because I have hope, hope that you want this as much as I do.

“I don’t even know if I will be a good parent.” He revealed, looking at the ceiling.

“Me too.” She closed her eyes as she concentrated the movements of their child inside her, still marveling at the life that lay safe and protected in a cocoon. It was surreal, especially for someone like her. Despite the dangers and the uncertainties, this child had given her light in the darkness that was this world. And it was up to her to see that he/she would be able to experience the joy and pain of living. “But it is something we will have to learn together.”

Ken smiled, reassured that whatever happens, and no matter what shitty job he did, he would always have Touka. She gave him hope when he felt like his life had come to a stop. And she lighted that hope to a point that he no longer had to focus on surviving, but so that they could look forward to a future untainted by blood.

“What would I do without you?” He smiled at her, pulling her tightly in his arms.

Touka blushed profusely, her embarrassment apparent at his words, and yet her eyes looked sad and melancholic as she gazed somewhere he couldn’t reach. “There was no way you’d be here, baka-Kaneki.” There was a hollowness to her voice, and he could see how drained she was from the slump of her shoulders and the dip of her head. If their foreheads weren’t almost touching, he might have never heard any of her words.

“But we’re both still here.” He had to point it out to her this time around, to remove the waver in her eyes. “And I’m glad for this hope you gave me.”

Ken twisted his hand around, tucking it behind her head to pull her forward until they were curled so tight together.

Hope.

Touka smiled contentedly, the word ringing like a melody in her ears. In that moment, it was Ken who fell asleep first, with her tracing a hand through his hair. His dreams were quiet that night, save for a clear blue sky and the presence of a child holding his mother’s hand smiling, as if waiting for him to join them.

And this time, it was his hope to see it come true.

World || Hope || Life || Strength || Will || Closure

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