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Realizing that friends are actually really terrible friends and that the people who have been telling you that for years are correct is… a really horrible realization.
#tonight has not been kind#I don’t even know how to describe it#I now understand why people drink and take drugs to feel happy#I promise i will lot do them#but boy do I get it
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I hope yaad still eats like a moe girl when he looks old
#sorry the art I've been posting has been kind of deranged tonight#they don't tell you this but if you're an artist you can draw whatever you want. that includes old man moe#dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi spoilers#yaad#my art
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i love coming out of an everything shower and smelling of cocoa and hibiscus and using moroccanoil on my hair and putting on a perfume that smells of jasmine and using a rose toner and doing all my silly little skincare before getting into bed to watch a comforting movie :'))
#diary#watching my neighbour totoro tonight!!! <3#this week has been slow and hard but i got thru it hehe#just going thru a bit of a melancholy spell if u will just very tired n a bit low these days#i'll be fine it happens sometimes but it'll pass#hopefully the week ahead is bright and kind for us all :)#tiyas thoughts
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Hot take: Even though I love that he beat the Miquellallegations, pre-dlc Mohg was so much better and had a lot to go for in terms of power, potential and how conniving and dedicated he was to achieve his goal. I miss him.
Also the premises for a Lord of Blood ending were right there. It would've been an interesting alternative option where you as a player, not only as a Tarnished, are giving up both your role as main character and your quest to become Elden Lord, thus letting someone else seize that opportunity.
I understand Miquella's plan for godhood and the creation of a gentler world (which is still ultimately destined to fail if we intervene and avoid having our heart stolen by him), but it removed so much agency from Mohg in particular, in my opinion.
#i'm feeling daring tonight#been disappointed for more than two months over the lack of the lord of blood/era of blood and love ending#even though this is my opinion feel free to disagree#it's probably just be being butthurt because there was so much buildup for an ending like this#and yes i know that mohg's robe describes him as a raving lunatic#but one can still hope. and dream#i just feel like all the previous lore for him has been thrown out of the window in favour of the 'miquella is the villain' twist#which is incredible on its own but at the same time it's said that the whole point of the dynasty crumbled as soon as the dlc was released#also i might be wrong so please don't attack me lol#the whole plan about acquiring blood to awaken miquella was still part of his plan i suppose etc. etc.#elden ring shadow of the erdtree#shadow of the erdtree#elden ring spoilers#shadow of the erdtree spoilers#mohg lord of blood#miquella the kind#miquella the unalloyed#(whatever tags work for him now)#mohgwyn dynasty#elden ring
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"You're being entitled!" These bitches are asking us to fund their Hollywood-quality content dreams like Walt Disney pleading a bank he was in debt to to give him another loan to finish Bambi, a movie that did not see any monetary success until it rereleased seven years later. I have to pay so much big money in medical expenses every month that I don't have any "treats" (a starbucks coffee, a different subscription, etc) I can go without. I'm not the entitled one here.
#also i'm not 'acting entitled to their free content' if i don't even want the content to begin with 🤭#watcher#my last post blew up. rip. take me dogs.#also in terms of content creation in general: i do not believe i am entitled to free work of any kind from any artist#however if you post it online for free then the transactional contract has been fulfilled.#if you want comments go back to the 'i'm not gonna post another chapter until i get 5 comments' business model#and like the most frustrating thing is!! I can't subscribe to Anything with money!!#I use my grandparents' passwords. I beg them to add a new channel on the roku if i want it.#i can't tip most online creators because i couldn't make a money mover account before i filed for disability.#i cannot support So Many independent artists and just people selling things to get by even though i want to so badly.#but people are getting divisive over funding an already established and successful entertainment project.#i'm just sick with it tonight.
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So my roommate is also into One Piece. I’m not sure if he’s watched any of the anime, I know for sure he’s watched the live action, but earlier tonight he came upstairs and watched a few episodes with me while waiting for a food delivery, and then he got hooked, and then he sat and watched MORE episodes with me without really knowing what was going on. But it was still wildly entertaining to him, esp since I’m right in the middle of one of the (arguably) best arcs rn, and now he wants to finish the arc with me LOL. NOBODY is immune to One Piece propaganda. Or Bon-chan 🥰
#Shima speaks#IT WAS JUST REALLY FUNNY#Like he’s been spoiled to a lot of stuff and has general knowledge of some things#So he knows (as well as I) about what’s going to happen to Ace#But yeah I’m in the middle of Impel Down and it’s absolute fucking CHAOS rn. Insane.#He was like. How much more are you going to watch tonight.#And I was like well I usually go until right before bedtime when I’m binging it#So he was like let me grab my blanky :) LOL#We started chanting PRISON RIOT!! PRISON RIOT!! PRISON RIOT!!!!!#Idk it’s just nice. I usually don’t get this kind of reaction to stuff I watch#My parents don’t like anime and my sister. Well she likes it but only specific series#So I couldn’t rope her into OP even if I tried lol#So having someone be like ooooh what are you watching it looks good I want to join!#IT FEELS NICE. OKAY. I don’t get that ever!!!#I don’t have the kind of family who would be willing to watch anime with me#And tbh I get jealous when my friends tell me they watch anime with their parents#I doubt my parents would watch anime if I were on my deathbed and asked them to. LMAO#Not faulting then it’s not their cup of tea which is fine. It just makes me sad#*them#Bc that’s just. Such a HUGE part of my life and who I am. And they don’t know anything about that side of me#Or about the things I’m into#Sorry didn’t mean to get emo in my tags. Anyway.#I was gonna watch more OP during my lunch break tomorrow BUT since my roommate also wants to watch more. I will wait :)#Never have to do that usually! Huh!! How fun!!!#One Piece
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seriously can catastrophes stop happening for five minutes my brain is already fried from the ones we're already experiencing
#I fucking. missed d&d tonight by accident#I straight up forgot#and just didn't show up to the session#my sleep schedule is absolutely fucked#I should be sleeping now but brain won't shut up#my creative output is the lowest it's ever been and I've been in some level of depressive funk since like early january#I am just deeply unfathomably exhausted#like mentally and spiritually#all the time#my memory and sense of time are both shit#my spelling is worse than it used to be for some reason??#I really don't know what to do to make my brain start functioning again it's frankly worrying me#I couldn't even handle college so it should come as no surprise that I'm reacting poorly to the world being a perpetual screaming trash fir#and yet#idk it's been hitting again lately that I have never succeeded at anything in my life and just keep tripping and falling up for some reason#fucking everyone is in hell right now and with my overall success rate I should be dead in a ditch but I'm actually doing spectacularly#due to a series of improbable accidents and weird circumstances that happened to turn out in my favor instead of completely fucking me#aside from the looming spectre of my various failed attempts to have some kind of life trajectory#it just doesn't feel like this can keep up forever#like surely at some point the luck has got to run out I can't just keep living like some kind of folkloric trickster archetype#but my motivation and sense of purpose kind of died after the last failed attempt so I'm still just here#doing whatever this is#maybe I should drive out to the coast#maybe staring at the ocean would fix me I've been away from it for too long#I mean it can't make me worse#I should wait until further into summer though so I don't have to drive back in the dark#everyone around here has trucks with those goddamn LED headlights and I've got a little sedan that's directly in their blast zone
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i keep feeling like. there's something parallel between rose and yaz's endings. maybe parallel isn't the right word -- but i keep wanting to draw comparisons, i think because they're two characters who really defined specific doctors and for whom it's basically confirmed the doctor returned their (romantic) feelings
(they're not the ONLY ones who fit this description, but i'm in no way qualified to talk about clara or even river, so bear with me)
it just feels. i don't know. rose never leaves on purpose. she is separated from the doctor, forcibly, every single time. the doctor sends her home, or she gets stuck in an alternate universe, or the doctor leaves her in the same alternate universe. every single time, she fights to get back to the doctor. the writers had to create a perfect happy ending for her (half-human version of her doctor who'll age along with her, in the alternate universe where her father is alive) because otherwise she wouldn't stop fighting to get back to the doctor, and the show can't have that. the show needs to move on. we need rose to fade into the past.
i haven't seen all of yaz's episodes, but her arc seems very similar from the limited amount i've seen. she keeps fighting to get back to the doctor. she's in love with the doctor, and the doctor basically confirms returning her feelings, albeit in a very stilted, hesitant, doctor-y way (compare "imagine that happening to someone you--" with "and if i was going to, believe me, it would be with you").
but when yasmin's doctor regenerates... yaz is just expected to. step away, go back to living her life, never see the doctor again. kinda like the abandonment that most companions have ever experienced -- getting dropped off once and then goodbye forever! -- except with more of the onus on her. the show has to move on from rose's era, so she gets dumped on a beach. the show has to move on from yasmin's era, so yaz has to accept that the doctor is going off to die alone. she has to make her peace with that information.
i don't know. i think yaz's ending is trying to go hand-in-hand with graham and ryan's purposeful exit -- it seems like the chibnall era tried really hard to have Not Terrible endings for companions. which is very admirable! but honestly? yasmin's ending feels crueler than most, including rose's. yaz was in love with the doctor. the doctor reciprocated those feelings. they should've gotten their equivalent of s2-era 10rose! she should've gotten a chance to stay with the doctor through their regeneration, the way other love interests have been able to (s/o to river and clara!).
i know this is because of the limitations of the show. bad ratings meant chibnall left after only one regeneration, and new incarnations of the show rarely bring in characters from other eras.
but i'm still very sad for yaz :( like yes, she wasn't just dumped on the curb without warning. but she was still expected to say goodbye to someone she loved, knowing that person was dying, and not say a word of protest. if the previous history of the show is any indication, she's never going to see the doctor again. she doesn't get a half-human version of the doctor to live out her days with, and she's not "allowed" to fight to get back to the doctor, either, due to the way the show's structured (but also the way the doctor talked about them saying goodbye). she has to live the rest of her life knowing that the doctor is out there, perfectly capable of visiting, and the only reason they won't visit is because yaz is from a specific time of their life that they've moved on from.
i know she has the companion support group. and i know she'll move on! she's yaz. she's strong and self-actualized. she'll be okay, eventually. but she has to be okay, you know? she has to learn to live without the doctor. rose never had to do that.
it just makes me sad :(
#doctor who#thasmin#yasmin khan#thirteen x yaz#i guess maybe this post can be summed up by ''yaz is kinda the (nuwho) doctor's first actual ex. and her being an ex makes me sad :(''#sb and l rambles#sb and l watches dw#this post has been brimming for awhile but i sat down to write dw fic tonight and went ''i can't do this without talking about yasmin''#i'm not criticizing the show necessarily. i know why they had to make these choices.#i think i do prefer for 13 and yaz's ''breakup'' to be a mutual understanding as opposed to 13 leaving her on a curb w/out any warning#they were doing the best they could with a limited hand#it just makes me sad :( and it makes me hope that they mention yaz in the next season#essbie? hoping the show calls back to a love interest that isn't rose?? it's more likely than you think!#i am just so attached to yaz. i didn't expect to be but god she's so great and she just gets dealt such a difficult hand :(#and she copes with it! of course she does! ....but rose never had to deal with that kind of difficulty.
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I don’t even fully know why but “what do I do when I miss you so much?” / “Just wait, and pray desperately” was a knife to my heart in the best way.
#crash landing on you#my grandma once said most of life was waiting and praying#and when he said it it just resonated so deeply#I think because. it’s not like a revelation or anything#but I think it’s just because she was suffering so much and had suffered so much#and so in that moment#he just takes care of her so completely and gives her hope. and not a false hope#a true one#and on deeper reflection the ending does work within the context of this (in my opinion) most powerful scene#/ apex of the show#it’s just the tone that’s a little wrong. that’s too aesthetic-y.#because the kind of steady way he keeps taking care of her from afar. and the slow build of her recovering but continuing to hope#couldn’t lead them anywhere except a happy ending. even if the final pieces of it couldn’t be unraveled (or put together)#by the show’s writing. so it just kind of has to fade to black so to speak#because the characters have been so steady and consistent a) in their personalities motivations and desires#and b) in their love for each other! that never falters or betrays a false note#and it’s the truest thing you’re left with. which is why—again—I actually think the problem might have been the tone#I would have gone for something more muted. I would have had them be talking and/or arguing a little more in their old way#to keep and sustain the idea that there is more work ahead for them that we’re just not going to see#but that is ultimately a kind of nitpick. and the take me to the lakes vibe of that final#scene is also not untrue.#also circling back for a second can I just SAY. that I love the balance of their vulnerabilities#there are such clear and distinct times where one of them is stronger and the other more vulnerable#and it’s sooooo perfect to watch and gives you many instant layers#anyway I’m crying in this Chili’s tonight (*my bed at 7:00 am)
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Brain in Daylight Hours: There is no mental or emotional space for writing. There are no new ideas, and no structure for old ideas.
Brain after Dark: Here's 38 new ideas, 3/4 of a structure, official permission to write, and -- oh. The only place to write in the dark is your phone? ... Never mind.
#writing#well#not writing at the moment#I saw a post about characters doomed by the narrative#and the fridged wife trope#and it got me thinking about Apricots#about whether Jess should be dead from the start#and how much it matters that it's a multi-POV story with hers as one of the vital points of view#and whose POVs are ultimately included#and how they kind of mimic the classic 5 stages of grief in a way#but each has to escape their part of that cycle in one form or another#and about how each is a reflection of me in some way because of course they are because that's how I write things#and about how the villains are a reflection of my views about certain things too#and about how the story takes shape#and how it's someone who was dead long before Jess was ever born who's really been doomed from the start#Basil is doomed by the narrative and he knows this#Jess thinks she's doomed by the narrative but she has the chance to change that#Noah resents the narrative because he believes someone has to be doomed by it and he hates the idea of anyone being doomed#Ian thinks there has to be a way out of the narrative if he can just move props around the stage the right way#Kade finds the events of the narrative lonely and sad but knows that clinging to a prologue only makes the rest harder to read#Luciana has believed most of these things at some point#now she believes that while the narrative deserves to be destroyed the characters in it do not so all she can do is endure#and none of these are exactly organized thoughts#or give me any insight into the structure of the plot#or the things I've been struggling with#but it was almosf coherent for a whole hour tonight#and only the idea that writing on my phone until 2 or 3 am would hurt my wrists/hands/eyes stopped me#if only I could keep the light on just a little longer at night#it's a risk to my budgie's health and I refuse to do that#but I wish I could write in the hours my brain says I'm allowed to write...
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you restore my faith in humanity. idk you're just so genuine and unobstructed from being yourself and loving everything around you. every time i think the world sucks i think about Robin From Tumblr and i'm like Hm maybe it isn't all bad
AW THANKS <33333 I TRY
#favorite posts <3#I didn't come to humanity pre-fabricated with no barriers to love I've just been. working on it y'know. and I've been shaped this way#ok and not to get religious on you but#(points at my ani-sama the Christ) he helped#mostly by putting a lot of wonderful people around me so I could see his love working in them. in humanity#btw this is a tangent but I absolutely adore this Japanese Christian term for Jesus: ani-sama#because ''ani'' is such an intimate casual direct way to say ''big brother''. to the point of almost being rude how intimate it is#and -sama is the highest honorific <333 and together it's just so good because it's like. yeah. my deeply revered adored big brother#he who I respect and love and who is closer to me relationally than anyone else while also higher in status than me (positive)#it really wraps up the feeling of going ''oh I want to be like you''. the kind of literal hero worship only a good big brother can inspire#(looking at all my mutuals + honorary mutuals) do they know I can see god in them? do they know their love and goodness is divine#I got an extra half hour of sleep tonight and it's making me so sappy about humanity. we are such wonderful beings we have so much potentia#—potential every single one of us#but yeah it has taken me so much intentional taming my fears and comforting the lonely little child who lives inside me to get this way#basically what I'm trying to say is THANK YOU SO MUCH and also YOU CAN DO IT TOO <333 and also THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO HELPED#–ME GET HERE
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#idk how many people actually go to protests and marches and vigils on this site#but i think tonights was the first time ive ever felt kind of dissapointed by one#not because of the vigil itself#i guess i was just hoping a vigil in front of the local israeli conculate for ALL martyrs would've drawn more than like 50 -75 people#yes it was below freezing yes it was windy#but were all people who live in a cold city#and can dress warm for it#and know how to tough it out#and even if we werent its such a tiny discomfort for such a short amount of time to act like its a reason to not go to something#idk i guess i thought more people were deeply enough affected by Refaat and Hind and Aaron and every other martyr we know by name#and the thousands and thousands and thousands we dont#to show up and stand in the cold for a little while#to feel like we can honour them in some way#to hear Refaat's words read allowed (which has hurt consistently but is so important to feel)#idk where im going with it i think i just need to get it all out#its been a very weird day
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I drew too much and now I barely have the motivation to finish any of my sketches, I have so many wips rn in my ibis gallery waiting to be finished
I've mostly been doing small silly doodles and dumb little drawings (if you know you know) and I have a whole checklist of things I want to draw
Been so excited to be here and to draw things that I was pumping out so many drawings a day through pure, unadulterated determination and excitement
I'm glad people like my silly art though even though it'll probably slow down now <3
It means a lot to me and everyone has been so supportive of me and my art
I'm not used to having so much attention on me as I haven't really posted online in roughly 4 years but the support means everything to me, even if everything is a little bit overwhelming for me at times, I know I must sound like a broken record but I really appreciate all the love I've been recieving on my art <3
#wolfgen posting#taleblr#we feelin a lil emotional tonight#idk if anyone will see this cause it's like 1am for me rn but ty guys so much <3#very tired writing this and i know maybe i didn't word things the best but i hope my point came across#i'm so excited to be here and be part of this community#i have so many more things and ideas to share and so many more things i wanna draw#i have so many headcanons i want to talk about too that i could make entire posts for#but!! my brain has been a lil bit mush these past couple days#but that's okay cause i'll definitely be posting more of that kind of thing when i can think properly again#more art and whatnot on the way dw :3
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good news: i am feeling way better overall, the antibiotics are doing their job & i am way thankful for it. i've also got some appointments to keep up on the og issue & dealing with this has put me on the fast track to getting / keeping insurance!
bad news: i do think i got sick from sitting next to a little girl in the er & that is kicking my ass so everything in my life is way behind right now. i want to write, but i have to clean house before i clean drafts lmao
#ooc.#tbd.#personal.#i did have a post tht i ended up deleting abt what is actually going on#but it is personal / gross so i didnt want to talk abt it on the dash#im hoping however to maybe tend to some messages tonight#but im making soup & i've been sleeping like a ton which has put me on the right track to feeling better#i am however frustrated w the amount of sleep i need from a mix of being sick & recovering from the original issue#+ i am extremely frustrated because a lot of groceries went bad because i was not well enough to cook w them#++ i am even MORE frustrated because the whole apartment has kind of fallen apart bcs my partner is not helping w chores#which is like okay because he works & i dont rn i am just starting to feel insane bcs the dishes stink & the fridge stinks & litter stinks#plus i also when working go in & out of phases of doing chores it just is a lot to handle to have such a nasty space & be helpless abt it#i am hoping to get enough energy in me to deal w it today tbh
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everyone get up and make some noise for sirius' vivienne westwood two cowboys with their cocks out shirt!! we're losing our minds over here for sirius' vivienne westwood two cowboys with their cocks out shirt!!
#sorry i uhh. wrote this yesterday and just have not been able to stop thinking about it since so you guys had to see it#google vivienne westwood two cowboys shirt you know the one i mean xx the famous one from SEX xx#unironically this scene went from being kind of difficult to get through to housing my favourite paragraph ive written so far. all because#of sirius black's gay cowboy shirt. also pretentious vaggio reference because well this is remus' pov after all and i have spent#the last few weeks poring over the caravaggio art book i got for christmas i love it sooo much xx#hes done like. 8 john the baptist paintings but theres a few specific ones that really. give me the vibes im going for with sirius' arms xx#he's sooo. well maybe i get it is all im saying#this fic is just. sirius' gay little outfits and descriptions of all the different mugs remus owns and lots of flat kitchens#it is also just. remus having the worst ever time of his life emotionally physically financially and then sirius. sitting next to him#engaging in the sluttiest behaviour you could possibly imagine and having a little smoke#tonight they are in james' kitchen xx he has cooked them all a chicken jalfrezi xx#my fic#snippet#r/s#tsah
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#i’m terrified to ever watch this movie. i think it would kill me. basically it’s about a marriage falling apart.#anyway—adam driver would do so good as bobby in company and i would die to see him in it#i’m seeing company tonight!!#it’s a special musical to me. it’s about marriage. how marriage is both exciting and boring and makes your life better and worse.#the months leading up to our wedding i was kind of a cynical mental wreck. there was so much i did not like about my husband-to-be.#sometimes i felt like the only reason i was going through with the marriage was because it was too late to get out of it.#i had spent my teen and college years wanting to have a boyfriend/husband then i got one and realized#oh wait this didn’t actually fix my problems huh#actually there are NEW problems now#and then somehow this past year has actually been like. the best year of my life lol#it’ll be a year next month!#yea there are still those Little Things. sometimes there are Bigger Things. but bruh this dude is so good for me#i have never been thriving as much as i have this year.#i’m so much healthier in so many ways than i have ever been all my life#and like it’s cringe to say that cuz i don’t want to say MARRIAGE is what fixed me but. i think it’s okay to say that#there must be some kind of GOOD to marriage otherwise there’d be no point in doing it#and i think i make his life better too. he tells me so at least lol.#and i’ll only be able to watch the show with one eye LOL but my husboi will be with me watching this musical#that i used to listen to when i was angsty about getting married#and now we are married#and life is great.#somebody need me too much#somebody know me too well#somebody pull me up short and put me through hell#and give me support#for being alive…#yeah there are times when it’s harder than being single but. the blessings are multiplied along with the hardship.#shywalker stuff#Youtube
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