#tomorrow i go home forever
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for one last final move im gonna hit myself on the head really hard against the louvre windows and jump off the 5th floor
#idk why i sayd that#i'm really so disoriented rn i'm gonna run away and avoid everything#tomorrow i go home forever#maybe i'll come back for a dental checkup it really is a waste to not use that service at least once.#4 years life wasted who knew. time goes on anyway#well what is life if not wasted away. is it really wasted when life goes on anyway. what am i writing#edit: I THINK IT'S BECAUSE i havent showered... need reset but being honest here. malas.
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going to be trying to fully organize/clean my room soon (maybe) and why's getting rid of stuff so hawrd like what if i really really want to reread thru books i read in middle school someday
#talkys#YKWIM....#also struggling with everything again#like i could get things that wld make living here easier but all i can think of is how that's succumbing to living here forever#ykwim.... like#in my room there's a desk built into the wall. its too low for me#it doesnt bother me actively but i mentioned it and my mom said we COULD rip it out and get a new desk#but in my brain its like. im not going to live here forever. in my mind i leave here Tomorrow every day#why wld i do that to this house i wont be here forever in.#why would i do that if i didnt think i was going to live here for 10 more years (<- he doesnt know that this is the reality of things)#but i feel this way abt everything#i moved homes a lot#my room has never been decorated whats the point#i like the thot of decorating but will likely be hopping in between apartments for the rest of my life...why bother#putting things up if youll have to take em down...
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ok besties im laying it all out on the table for u today
#my last exam is tomorrow and i have to annotate the class handouts to bring to the room#the only issue being that i uh........ haven't done any yet#and theres like twenty and it takes fucking forever#SO here is the plan:#it is half past four in the afternoon and i am at The Cafe#i PROMISE that at 9pm EXACTLY i will be out of the door and on my way home#NO MATTER WHAT#REGARDLESS#IM GOING TO DO AS MUCH AS I CAN#BUT I HAVE TO SLEEP EARLY OR I WONT BE ABLE TO GET UP IN TIME#LETS FUCKING GO GANG ITS THE FINAL ONE#THE LAST ONE IN JAPAN I WILL PROBABLY EVER DO IN MY LIFE#JIAYOU!!!
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I'm sick and decided to make it their problem
#haven't had a fever this strong in forever but I finally got it down so hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow#i hope so cuz I really need to go grocery shopping tomorrow-#eryart#doodle#airigo#home Chemystery#oc x canon#Vat7k aiden#Vat7k hugo#Vat7k varian#I'll answer people once Im better I swear TTnTT#varigo x oc
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Not to continue being unhinged about the Mario Movie but I love that so many people went into it with the Bowuigi mindset from the horny trailer clips (myself included) and came out the other side with them
#Mariocest#Like we all walked in with the WRONG ship on the mind#And it took every fiber of my being to be normal in that movie theater let me tell you#The Mario Brothers kiss on the mouth this is SO canon#I wonder if they did the Bowuigi stuff on purpose#Probably NOT but it's very funny that they showed us ALL the clips they had of Bowser and Luigi interacting#And sent us home with them#I'm going to be so unnormal forever now#Not even TOH ending tomorrow can fix me#I'm gonna get blocked by so many people and you know what that's SO fair I am very sorry#But also Mario and Luigi are kissing on the mouth and I cannot be stopped
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nobody talks about how awesome vent fics are. you can put your character in the Situations and just keep them there and keep them there and keep them there and then you finish it and you feel better. and it's free
#eddie brock fic is gonna Have to be this for me. i can work through all the ********* ******** if i just write about that guy#wanting to kill himself enough. it's gonna be fine. it's gonna be just like my little alucard castlevania thing#where i was feeling really bad and then wrote like 7k words of him just Suffering. and then i felt better#like a ghost in your own home dead and dying darling i love you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and#genuinely one of my favorite things i've written i think. in terms of fanfiction but also it's just something i enjoy#man. man. man. man. man.#guys i'm unwell did you know this#i will maybe just not go to class tomorrow no matter what i think i need to stay the hell home <3 and lie face down on the ground <3#valentine notes#fanfic
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Going through a straight up comical amount of irritating situations to get the stupid 4* guaranteed ticket from the welcome to sekai campaign. It Will Be Mine.
#I’m resuming this tomorrow it’s been hours now I’m just mad#I’m home because my parents are moving to a different state and I needed to pack whatever was left#and for some reason we just keep old devices when we’re done with them#so I borrow an adapter to allow me to connect my ancient unworking iPad mini to my laptop#factory reset it. i have to reset an old email to access the old Apple id to fully reset it.#it won’t connect to the wifi so I have to reset the settings. i find out it’s too old to run pjsk.#i find an old phone that should work. i reset it as well. I’m able to download pjsk & it takes 20 minutes.#pjsk crashes everytime I try to open it. i attempt to run bluestacks on my computer. bluestacks doesn’t have 64 bit for mac yet.#i get a free trial of parallels and download windows onto my laptop. this takes 40 minutes.#i try to download and run bluestacks on that. m1 macs apparently can’t run bluestacks 64 bit through parallels.#i go find the final old phone that I had forgotten about. it takes forever to charge because the charging port is fucked up. i reset it as#well. it can’t connect to wifi. i try a hotspot on my current phone. service is too awful. i try to do wifi sharing from my laptop.#you have to be connected to the router via a cable for that to work.#at this point it has been like 3 hours. I’m giving up because I’ve been down this route before#when I attempted to run 32 bit steam games on m1 mac#(wine64 doesn’t exist for m1 macs yet -> attempt to run boot camp -> boot camp isn’t a thing anymore on Apple silicon -> attempt to run#several different programs that allow me to run windows on a mac. none of them work. ->#look into linux & give up. -> attempt to implement the unfinished/unbottled wine64 code thru terminal. ->#fuck up and delete some important file & have to fix that (misery inducing) -> keep trying. i think I downloaded a Mac coding program at#some point? i realize I have zero coding knowledge and this is a mistake. -> give up and purchase crossover. game doesn’t even work. ->#3 months later update to the latest OS so I can have enough storage to play psychonauts 2. find out the $60 crossover#purchase was a bad idea because ‘heehee crossover doesn’t work on that buy the new version’ (fuck crossover).#my toxic trait is my belief that I can figure out anything via google and sheer stubbornness. usually this is true. occasionally there are#exceptions to this rule. most of them are because owning Apple products is a mistake.#i think if I reset the router tomorrow I can solve this problem but I can also just go elsewhere with better service or wait until I’m home#now it’s a matter of pride. and also free 4*/I have nothing better to do because I’m stuck here until Tuesday.#<- this is all normal behavior by the way. who doesn’t spend 8 hours ramming their head against a problem every once and a while. enrichment#mine#oh I forgot. i also looked into cloning the app but that would cost money for something that might not even work.#‘just log out and make an alt’ and risk losing my account? I’m stupid enough to overwrite it on accident.
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there are more than 130 people booked to come to the course tomorrow plus walkups and its supposed to be in the upper 90s and low 100s all day PLUS HUMIDITY and im working a double
#i might just kill myself#that sounds like hell#miserable just thinking about it#its going to be so bad#if one more person hits me with some stupid fucking optomism when i complain about my job i might just kill them#im in such a bad mood#there was a single family alone on the course for the entire last hour#how do you not feel bad making us stay#its hot and miserable and we are all being slow cooked#youre complainig about the heat and saying it must suck for us#yea if fucking does leave so i can go home#i hate my job#i want to cry and sleep forever and just stop#but i have a double tomorrow and friday and saturday and sunday and wednesday and thursday#cant wait to get home 8 hours before i need to get up for the next 9 hour shift
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Argh
#i'm leaving tomorrow to go back home for the winter holidays#i'm so. argh. vibrating.#i don't want to leave i don't want to stay here i want to sleep i want to stay awake forever#exploding exploding exploding#6 hours of sleep :D#i mean i'm spending the day in trains i'll sleep then#but still. ough.#i'm so..... anyway#see you tomorrow when i'm back in france!#wow i have a ramble tag now#england adventures
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…..his reward was saying goodbye. Who gave RTD the right to do this to me? *sobbing*
(Defensively adding, it’s not my fault I didn’t have easy access to Doctor Who until very recently ok I know I’m fourteen years late here)
#i finally finished Ten everybody#didn’t cry until the final montage#‘I bet you’re going to have a really great year’ I’m on the FLOOR#doctor who#the ANGST#‘it didn’t last forever but it still matters that the love was there’ the tv show#and now the eternal question- do I skip to the 60th anniversary specials so I can watch the last two as they air#or do I save them for five years from now when I get through Eleven thru Thirteen#you know what else I could do is start from Nine again for an INFINITE loop of doctorrose#part of me finds it very comforting that that infinite loop exists#in a way it ends where it began#timey wimey#my beloved forever-lonely spaceman#😩😩😩😩#lbr I’m coming home from work tomorrow and starting Eleven I can’t not#I’ve already seen a smattering of it over the years#and even if it gets annoying in the moffat years I still want to try to watch it all
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Ok I finally got the DMMDre:connect emulator/thingamajiger installed
Played ViTri first to get them out of the way! I have seen things I can never unsee! I even knew some of the stuff that was coming but jesus jumping christ!
#eniacat I owe you my firstborn#dmmd#virus#trip#aoba#when aoba said he wishes vitri would hurry up and get bored of him and they told him they love him forever in the bathroom scene#</3#I will admit that thing with the wine did not go where I was assuming it would go but I think that's a good thing#I'll do Trip's route tomorrow. well today. After I get home from work#gotta actually sleep first#need to putter around the interwebs for a bit first to unwind
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Unexpected day off!!!
#so excited right now#but also kind of overwhelmed because there are about 5.7million projects that need to get done before winter and which one should I do?!?!?#I think I am going to Menard's to get the paint to do the back steps#it's literally PERFECT WEATHER today#I love all kinds of weather#except hot and humid#but if I had to pick one weather to have forever it would be 50* at night and 70* during the day#and that was yesterday and today and tomorrow and I those will be 3 of the 7 days of that weather we are allotted each year#so I am just soaking them up!!!#at home apparently!!!!#well except for going to Menard's#and the library to pick up my holds#and visiting Grandma because even though I saw her Saturday she called and made me feel guilty yesterday :-/#and taking the dog to the vet#but OTHER THAN THAT#I get to be home all day!!!#also need to stop and get some more sweet corn to go in the freezer#I have been making good progress doing a dozen at a time in the evenings when I have time#but I need more!!#oh and I have peppers to chop too#so many chores so little time#morning ramblings
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Second day of running off of coffee and spite only
#this week of camp is always the busiest. i have something that goes late into the night every night#im exhausted and want to spend time with friends and other people#especially because this is my last year. but its fine!#theyre good and important things that i love im just tired#tonight im telling the pegend of our camp's beginnings#i used to tell it and then passed it on to someone#but since this is my last year he asked if i want to do it one last time#and i really fucking do. so ive been practicing and im excited but its also bittersweet and kinda difficult#idk. the woman that passed it on to me was super important to me but is now no longer in my life#so im feeling some weird things about that#also tomorrow is Christmas in July (a secret santa we do with staff) and im so fucking excited#x in j is my favorite holiday ever in the world#and i have a good friend of mine. i just hope the person that has me actually cares#its my last year at camp and i just really want a nice x in j as my last#im so tired i resorted to the black coffee in the dining hall. i drank it so fast#i wiuld love to go to sleep but after i tell the legend tonight i have to work on x inj#and i love to procrastinate so i cant work on it until my gf comes back to camp with the materials that i need#(im just gonna vent now. even though thats all ive been doing)#its my last year and im so burnt out but i love it here so its hard#and everyone keeps trying to convince me to come back next year. its hard. its not easy. im tired and want to go home#but i also want to be here and i want to be enjoying myself here and i wish i ciuld come back forever#but also coming back forever sounds like hell#im just tired and wanted to yap idk goodbye
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i am so so behind with work and i'm taking wednesday, thursday and friday off which means i need to to do it all tomorrow haha kill meeeee
#also i fucked up big time today. again. and i didn't tell anybody but i will definitely need to do it tomorrow#god i just want it to be over. only 6 working days left but it feels like forever#on the other hand i still don't have a new job :))) so i'm kinda uhhhh anxious#by kinda i mean i literally can't sleep at night asfghjhg#i'm going home on thursday and we're going to have a big family party on the weekend and everyone is going to ask me abt it#so on one hand i can't wait to go home. maybe i'll go to the beach <3 on the other hand... coming home also makes me anxious lol i'm a mess#but!!! i also have some positive news#i got into this uni program which is like. super interesting to me. and it starts in 2 days!!#and also i officially joined a political party lol so i'm going to be busy with local elections for the next 2 months#which is a good thing!! things like that give me energy boost#so i'm a nervous wreck atm but also. i know good things are coming#k.txt
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...
#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is#all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much#because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions#mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect#and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it#it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter#but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but#mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read#cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about#how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron#separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward#the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not#allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i#talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand#so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday#and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having#a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself#sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like#reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for.#the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it#doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of#ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put#myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing#unrelated
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i miss my mum
#it doesn’t even seem real like no matter how many times i tell myself she isn’t coming home i still think she’s gonna call#i still think she’s gonna tell us the hospital are letting her out#and then i remember that’s never going to happen and oh boy do i want 2 die#and tomorrow i have to be the bravest girl ever and go and tell the funeral director what she wanted for her funeral bc i’m the only one who#knows#and then i think well why did she only tell me#anyway i miss you mum idk how i made it through the last two weeks but forever to go ig#tw grief
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