#to them adhd is just the can't sit still disease

[seawitchkaraoke]

Adhd is just so fucking annnooooyyiiiing! Like I can do one (1) task a day and that's on a good day, on meds. I can either go to the doctor OR clean my room OR do my uni work OR write like three emails, and doing any of these lowers the chances at still being able to cook proper food or floss or go to sleep at a healthy time, I have SUCH a light work load uni wise this semester and all it results in is me being able to at least keep my place slightly cleaner than usual, how am I ever gonna work a full time job? I hate this shit

[love-toxin]

As someone who is on both the ADHD and autism spectrums, but wishes to remain anonymous....

Would the fruity four still... like me? Even if I'm weird and stim with my hands? Or if I say weird things and curse creatively? It's been a massive self esteem battle for me, because both of the people that I dated previously left me when I confided in them that I was on both the ADHD and autism spectrums....

first of all, im so sorry that happened my love! nobody deserves that, especially not such a sweet person <3 ty for sending me this ask not only bc you're giving me a reason to self-indulgently write about the fruity four with an autistic angel, but also bc!!! we're really alike!!! i love knowing there's somebody i can relate to out there 🥺🥺

I'll start off by saying; yes, of course! The fruity four are strong personalities and people, they have a bond with you that couldn't be broken by something like that, because it's part of what makes you you–and that's exactly what they love! The very thought of giving up on their true love because of a label is just bonkers, it makes no sense and they would be echoing that to you whenever you feel insecure about it. Also, let it be known that I'm totally on the train of headcanoning both Eddie and Robin as being on the spectrum. I like to think Eddie's stronger on the autistic side, whereas Robin is more adhd with her social skills being more pronouncedly autistic. So with this in mind, I think they'd already be very sensitive to whatever your personal experiences are on either spectrum! And they can relate to you inherently a lot better than most people, including both Nancy and Steve.

Not to say that those two are oblivious or apathetic, however, because they certainly are not! They just don't have the same experiences to empathize with you, so they've gotta put a little more work in to help themselves understand how you operate. Your boundaries are a relatively easy thing to start off with; they're something they've probably already gone over, just not as in-depth as they're used to. You might sit there shy and a little teary-eyed even, worrying yourself to death that they're going to laugh at you or make fun of the things that you say you need or that bother you, but Nancy and Steve will be so patient in listening and Robin and Eddie will encourage you to say everything that comes to mind. Your shared space is always a safe space, there's no fear of abandonment or rejection that you need to worry about here, and they'll do as much reassuring as it takes until you really feel comfortable and secure in knowing that. No moment of irritation or frustration or any meltdown will scare them away, no matter how big it gets. And they'll never think of you as childish for anything that you do or anything you get upset about.

Nancy's probably one of the easiest people to confide in about being on the spectrum, as a person who isn't perceivably on it herself. Even though she doesn't experience life in the same way you do, she's a fantastic listener and she treats your explanations and understanding your neurodivergency almost like a hobby in itself. When you mention some term or new behavior that you can't put a name to, she's off to the library to research anything and everything that has to do with autism and adhd–and soon she's the one coming to you not just with questions, but new information she picked up and surveys she wants to do to compare your personal experience to the studies she reads, to see if what's been published is accurate to the real-life experience. And you can damn well bet she's committing a bit of library graffiti in her chosen books if she comes across insensitive articles or tampered studies, or really anything that suggests that autism is some kind of disease or that it's a walking death sentence to any poor parent that finds their child is diagnosed with. She'll scratch out those horrid comments and outright false statements and write the corrections in the margins so long as she has the evidence, to the point that she pouts when she gets banned from borrowing any books for a month when she gets caught. "It was worth it," she insists, more concerned with getting the truth out there than being lectured by the crotchety old librarian–and you can bet she'll stand by her opinions even in public, even with strangers and ill-mannered people, because knowing you feel safe and wanted matters more to her than smiling and nodding along.

The only one that might be put off is Steve, but not in a bad way, and only at first. He's not as used to the way you and Eddie socialize, primarily because he's grown up and has gotten adjusted to the ways that neurotypical kids interact with each other. The way he carries himself and how he speaks to people is what he thinks is normal, so while he sees bluntness or awkward wording or seemingly oblivious social cues as abnormal, he doesn't think it's a bad thing at all. Clearly by the way he and Eddie exchanged conversation when they first met, he's more endeared by it than anything else, even though it takes him more time to understand it. He's used to picking between the lines of conversation to pick up cues and body language of whatever the other person isn't saying out loud, but luckily he's quick to realize that you don't necessarily speak the same way, and he just has to listen to you to know what you're trying to say. And once he learns about masking and sees you slowly become more comfortable with not doing it around him, he gets soooooo excited because he really feels like you're bonding, then, and that you trust him enough to stim or chatter on around him!

And with Eddie and Robin? They're so tuned in it's honestly hilarious. Eddie's constantly on the hunt for things he knows are part of your special interests–he finds little pieces of merch from bands or shows or movies you like, or things that are your favourite colour that he thinks you'll like. And he knows what your favourite animals are and what fabrics and textures you like, and pretty much anything and everything that has to do with your interests is noted down so he can use the information to his advantage. Robin's the same way, although you and her can talk for hours about the things you're passionate about, to the point that you both might forget to eat or sleep until exhaustion finally takes over, and you pass out in her bed or on the couch together.

Also, stimming? It's a normal thing in the household, and they will absolutely make sure that you feel like it's normal. Eddie tugs on his hair and plays with his watch, flaps his hands, claps, cracks his knuckles–and Robin has a few vocal stims like humming or making other little sounds through her teeth, aside from spinning her rings around and sometimes pacing around in circles with music or a movie on in the background. If you're restless and you move around a lot while they're cuddling with you, they get used to it quickly, and if you have days where you just absolutely do not want to be touched, they know that it's not personal and don't get offended if that goes on for awhile. It's the nice thing about having multiple partners, none of you really need to worry about feeling lonely or not having someone to confide in when someone isn't able to.

It's just a good time all around, really. They love you, you make them happy, and there's too much bad in this world for them to toss aside someone that really cares for them. Besides, how different are you from them, really? Each of them have things to deal with that frustrate them sometimes, or make them feel like they're a burden themselves. It's just a matter of accepting it, coping with it, and moving along, and letting the cycle repeat as many times as it needs to to let you enjoy life with the people you love.

[atbussysparks]

As the official southern scout irl, here's some 💯% accurate headcanons 🦅🦅🦅🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲

His body rejects his French blood like it's a disease so he has a constant stomach ache

1/4 Jewish and 1/4 Mexican. He was really pale before the war

His mom is totally Fran Drescher.

ADHD, and has an Oral fixation. If you told him that he'd go "huhuhuh, oral."

Coughed up blood on three separate occasions and coughed up glitter once

He has a metric shit ton of vintage comics, but he's dyslexic

He keeps pinups on his ceiling and everytime pyro barges into his room he has to shove them into a hole in the ceiling like it's fuckin fahrenheit 451

Owns a crust jacket that got hit with a firework and caught on fire at one point.

If cut open his organs glow BRIGHT green. He makes engineers Geiger counter go crazy

Does a ridiculous Beavis impression

Randomly does ballet poses just because he can. He also cannot do actual ballet.

Got sent to a troubled teens camp for two years until he was 14 and his mom and brothers busted him out, and the facility ate shit seven years later and he drank absinthe to celebrate.

Eats random shit he shouldn't eat. He ate a car mirror disco ball. He ate a lovebug. He gnawed on the edge of a table. There was a pinecone found in his stomach before respawning. Where the fuck did he get a pinecone??? THEYRE IN THE DESERT

When he was 9 he Got stuck in one of his brothers' lowrider after it flipped over For 13 minutes. His brother flipped it back over and They never talked about it again

Tried to microwave a bag of gummy worms to make one big "wormo gum" it caught on fire

Sniper asked him if he wanted some marmite and got tackled for saying "marmite? But pa might not!"

Fucking loves mushrooms. It has to be spelled out when talking about it so he doesn't freak out. Someone has to distract scout if someone else is making mushrooms

Got lost in the rain with one of his brothers for FOUR HOURS in his PJs. Still made it in time for a doctor's appointment.

He thinks medics trying to put bombs in him

After the events of "The Naked and the Dead" If scout coughs or laughs or trains too hard he gets violent pains in his side torso, and has to sit and breathe for a bit. Spy, medic, and heavy notice the most. Spy can't bring themself to stay in the room when they see it. Heavy lays his hand on his chest to weigh him down, and stop him from trembling. Medic asks him if he "wants some good strain"

He wants some good strain but detests smoking. He and medic have tried desperately to attain edibles.

Banned from wearing short-shorts because his dumbass can't act right. Refuses to sit legs closed. Brags about his buff fucking linebacker legs. He gets fish-hooked by the leg skin in battle. He ate a pair because he lost a bet.

Can't sleep around box fans because he heard they can kill you

Soldier opened the doors to the shower once and found scout in there, fully clothed, as a huge cloud of red/black smoke billowed out of the room and blinded him. He never found out wtf happened in there. The only time he asked scout just said "my bad, you peeped the horrors." he never asked again.

Lactose intolerant but desperately in love with mac n cheese. That might actually be the reason why his stomach hurts.

Joined the gravel wars when he was actually 19 but letting that get out would get him killed, because the higher ups are only allowed to hire people 25 and up. So, he turned 21 he told everyone he turned 27.

Watched cujo and he cried for the dog, because he has a huge saint Bernard at home

Probably kins cujo because he had rabies

His hat (called a fisherman or fiddle that btw) has has the word "gorm" and a picture of Garfield embroidered on the inside

Wears a giant fuckin muumuu to sleep. No matter where he is or what's going on, if he's wearing the muumuu he can sleep.

[ominous-feychild]

sammy headcanons, pretty please,, fun facts or silly headcanons, i need more sammy content in my life

I'm answering these out of order rn because otherwise I won't get to them in forever. I'm sorry to everyone waiting for your asks to be answered... if you even remember asking, WHOOPS--

I mean, technically they're not headcanons because I'm the writer and I just make any "headcanons" just straight-up canon, but! 🤣

Due to his very specific and special brand of magic, he constantly has plants growing around and on him. It's worse around dirt, so he used to make an effort to completely avoid dirt in order to hide his magic.

The growth rate of plants around him exponentially changes depending on his emotional state! If he's happier, they'll grow at a faster pace. This is another reason they did not grow very often before RFtA. Oh, whoops, that's sad, isn't it? 😉

The growth rates of the plants increases dramatically as he gets stronger throughout the series.

If he sits in a pile of dirt, it would take less than a minute for the plants grow over his lap and anchor him to the ground. Later in the books, they'll grow so fast that they'll basically encase his entire body with that much time. Don't worry, though! They wouldn't cover his eyes, nose, or mouth because they love him! Also, he could literally just magically move them off of him, haha. They'll just be sad their father abandoned them. 🥺

Sammy is constantly basically-freezing cold and wears jackets and sweaters as often as possible. It makes him stand out considering the climate is so hot.

He purposely wears oversized jackets with floppy sleeves. It's one of the many ways he makes himself look smaller/weaker in order to make people underestimate him so he can manipulate them. I'm sorry, it's next to impossible not to get depressing/dark with him!!!

He is smol boi,,, so smol,,, 4'8,,, (but you knew that, lmao. That's for anyone else who didn't know.)

Sammy has heterochromia. One eye is pale blue, the other is dark brown--almost black. Although this is uncommon in most people with heterochromia, Sammy's blue eye is more sensitive and has an astigmatism. He was not born with it.

His real-world ethnicity is equivalent to Latino.

He has ADHD and dyslexia. Yes, kinda like the PJ demigods. No, that was not intentional, haha.

However, he may or may not have been inspired by Leo from HoO... JUST POSSIBLY!!! Hey, man, he's a YEARS-old character. Besides, I bet you wouldn't have been able to figure it out if not for this!!! Yw for exposing my dirty secrets.

In a real-world AU, he'd still have grown up on the streets. Instead, he'd get sponsored by a college by (half) accidentally stumbling on revolutionary medication and treating an otherwise-incurable disease in someone he didn't know was important. Everyone would then be incredulous to find out he couldn't/can't read and literally just figured all that stuff out by himself. #JustSavantThings

If he ended up in our world, he'd be terrified of being caught in a recording (of any kind).

If he grew up in our world, he'd love podcasts and music. However, tragically, he wouldn't listen to them too often because they'd distract him from focusing on everyone else around him.

Less fun, but still facts:

He's unaware of this, but the person he thinks of as his mother was an adoptive parent; not biological. Didn't make her any less important to his life or who he is as a person, but does come to bite him in the butt when he finds out the truth!!!

Sammy is plagued by migraines. He's just long-since used to living with them. However, he's able to use his magic to shut off the pain during emergencies. He's just... not aware of it for the longest of times.

Related to the ADHD: he is a MAJOR stimmer. However, he's too used to controlling himself to allow himself to except for when it serves whichever act he's trying to sell.

I lied. He sometimes allows himself to stim in moments where he's trying to "reset" his brain, aka change the subject or give himself a moment to think. It's not entirely conscious though.

Sammy's magic is unique. The only others with it are his family members. Guess that's a little bit of a spoiler, but oh well, haha. It's not too hard to figure out, and it especially won't be when I explain my magic system more in-depth.

He develops anger issues midway through the first book. At the same time, he gets a massive increase in power. Are those two things related, or just a coincidence? Yes.

He doesn't actually like plants. He feels pretty neutral about them. However, the fact that they're the most ethical and effective way to use his magic makes him keep them around. His joking about liking them is a deflection to avoid explaining he likes having a way to defend himself readily available.

He starts to lowkey hate plants as his magic spikes in power. Due to it occurring at the same time as the onset of his anger issues, the "plants growing over him" thing suddenly goes from "occasionally grows over him" to "basically always on him" and he can't cope with the frustration.

It's especially bad when, later in the series, Sammy runs away from the Knight's College ("flight risk" foreshadowing fulfilled) and he's basically unable to get away from dirt. He gets very angry with them never giving him a break.

Sammy is deeply insecure and thinks he can and has only caused problems in others' lives.

He has a good reason to feel that way, though obviously it's not actually true.

As I've mentioned before, he's a major social manipulator control freak who panics whenever he feels he's lost control of a situation.

He pretends to buddy-buddy up with the villains he can't otherwise beat in order to destroy them from inside. However, this makes his "alliances" seem VERY wishy-washy and focused on his own survival.

Despite that, after the beginning of RFtA, Sammy is incredibly self-sacrificing. He'd rather sabotage his own survival chances in order to help others rather than leave them to rot when he otherwise could've helped.

This is related to trauma in his past.

The only people he won't try to convince he's on their side is the people he cares about. He cares too much, his brain short-circuits, and he just gives up because "he deserves it, anyways".

He hasn't sincerely cried for a long time. Not from lack of emotion, but because he's numb to it.

No matter what, Sammy is one of my few characters who will never purposely kill anyone else. Even the people who hurt him the most, even though he'll hold an incredible amount of rage, he can't bring himself to hurt someone else--much less kill--outside of a life-or-death situation. He's a pacifist who enters fights in order to end them as quickly as possible.

Despite his manipulative tendencies, I would call Sammy a good person. One of the "best" people in all of my writing, honestly. He just got dealt a REALLY shitty hand in life.

Sorry I'm sharing some things you already know, Letters! I'm sharing them with the rest of the world, haha!

Tagging list: @honeybewrites @the-golden-comet @illarian-rambling @ashirisu @urnumber1star

@aalinaaaaaa and ask and ye shall be added!

[licorishh]

I would like to share something a little more serious than what I usually post here.

So for the last two years, ever since I got diagnosed with celiac disease, it's been nothing but a barrage of more and more health issues showing up. I figured out I likely had ADHD and autism, I got diagnosed about eight months ago with hypothyroidism and Hashimoto's, I still don't know what's causing my chronic shoulder pain, for a few months almost everything I was eating was making me sick and I y'know twice in the span of one month, I'm dangerously underweight because I've barely been able to eat anything, and I have tons of food restrictions that make it extremely difficult to find something to eat. I felt miserable.

The last time I was sick was a week ago. I was nauseous two days in a row and was sick the second day. I felt awful, but afterwards the feeling went away, thankfully. The problem was that it suddenly out of nowhere set in a terror of feeling sick, feeling nauseous, and even just eating. The idea of eating scared me. I immediately felt a phobia of it, and Friday I wasn't even feeling bad but I had an episode of my heart racing and feeling really shaky and faint.

While I was feeling that, I knew it was literally just fear. I wasn't actually nauseous at all, but I was sitting there perpetuating a fear of feeling bad, and it was giving me all the symptoms of feeling sick without actually being nauseous. I was making myself feel bad because I was so terrified of feeling bad.

So I sat on the couch in the living room and read Revelation for a while. I eventually asked my mom just to pray for me and to help me get past this fear, because I am not meant to have a spirit of fear. She prayed for me, and then we just started chit-chatting about Revelation and about the Lord and when I tell you I felt so much better.

Since then I've had a couple of times when I started to really freak out just because I felt the slightest twinge, but for the last week I've had a monumental shift in my mindset. The Lord has not given me a spirit of fear, and neither has He given that to you.

I feel like in the last few days I've finally understood what it means to be truly thankful for Jesus and not just for the material things I have in this life. Yes, food, A/C, a roof over my head, electricity, and water are all wonderful things and I'm extremely thankful for them, but now I finally realize how it feels to be thankful for peace and hope and joy and Jesus. I cannot even begin to express to you how unfathomably comforted I have felt these last few days. I'm bout to frickin cry rn yet again dadgumit I've cried like eight times in the last couple days

I've been listening to a lot of Kari Jobe's music cause she has so much good stuff, especially "I Am Not Alone." I absolutely love that one and would highly recommend it if you're feeling lonely or fearful right now.

You probably think I'm overreacting a bit, but I was legitimately terrified. But in spite of that, I've been readjusting my mindset and praying more than I ever have before and just existing with God and I literally can't possibly communicate how comforting it is. There are simply no words. No matter what time of day it is, no matter how bad I feel, no matter how afraid I might be to eat that particular thing for fear of it not sitting well, I really legitimately feel more strongly than I ever have in my entire life that He is with me every single step of the way and He loves and treasures and values me and is holding me in His hand.

I so desperately want every single person on this earth to experience that feeling. It's a feeling you cannot begin to imagine until you've experienced it. The goodness and the kindness and the peace of the Lord is unmatched by anything on this earth.

I know this is way more serious than what I usually post but I just can't not. I have never felt this peaceful or joyful or thankful or hopeful in the seventeen years I've been alive and that is something nothing can ever take away from me. It's my sincerest hope that you will see this and hear it and believe it.

I'm not naturally a very fearful person, so this took me by surprise. I'm not used to feeling terror. It feels dark, hopeless, lonely. But that darkness, that hopelessness, that loneliness, and that fear is nothing in the face of the Lord's goodness. Nothing. I'm telling you.

Please, please, if you are in a dark place right now, I am begging you to take my word for it. If you call out to Him He is there. I've never been more convinced of this in my life because I finally have seen it. I finally stopped saying "Yep, yeah, uh-huh, that's great" and actually did it myself.

That doesn't mean all our struggles and trials automatically vanish. I still slip up and feel scared sometimes, but to be honest with you, feeling emotionally stable and spiritually satisfied is so much more important than feeling nauseous or being wary of eating. The peace and joy and faith and hope I have right now is greater than feeling good physically.

The Lord is so, so, so good. He is so kind, so loving, so comforting, and I so badly want everyone to be able to feel how I feel now.

He sees you in the midst of your struggles. He does. His heart aches for you, He weeps with you, He adores you in ways you cannot begin to imagine. You are His precious child, His beautiful creation, the love of His life.

Please, please believe me.

[rubyleaf]

Went through my blog again for the funsies and discovered an old, old tag game from 2016. And boy, am I shaking my head at it. Not only is 17-year-old me hilariously and stubbornly convinced she's straight, she's also very self-deprecating and generally not in a good place.

So I thought: why not answer these questions again, over seven years later, just to see how things have changed?

So here goes. The update.

MOST RECENT:

Drink: Water! I have a glass next to me right now and I'm staying nice and hydrated :) Phone call: Mom, earlier this afternoon, to make sure I'm still healthy and haven't died from acute Moved Out And Living Unsupervised Disease. Shockingly, I'm alive and well. Text: Dad, joking about the Berlin lioness boar thing. I still refuse to believe it was a boar BTW. I don't know what it was, but those pictures do NOT look like a boar.

Song you listened to: Saosin – "You're Not Alone" Time you cried: You know, I genuinely don't remember. Might've been weeks ago. I barely cry anymore these days, except from laughter or the occasional tearing up over a heartwarming scene in a show.

Dated someone twice: No, and unless the circumstances were very special, I wouldn't. If the ship has sailed, it has sailed for a reason. Been cheated on: Single, thriving, in my lane, cannot be cheated on if I don't have a partner. Peace and love on Planet Earth. Lost someone special: Lost touch with many friends over the years. Staying in touch is still hard. But honestly, some of them turned out to not be that special after all in the first place and a lot have stayed too, so really, it's fine. Been depressed: Nah. Been drunk and thrown up: Still don't like alcohol, still don't drink ✌️ Your three favourite colours: Purple! And pink, and the third one…maybe red!

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend: So many. So so many. Fallen out of love: Yep! Laughed until you cried: Just this week alone! Met someone who changed you: I think so! Found out who your true friends are: Yes. And to the people who turned out not to be—thanks for making it easier to watch you leave right now. Found out someone’s talking about you: In the "bringing up my existence" way? Yes. Badly? No—someone probably did, but not my problem.

EXTRAS

How many people from your fb list do you know irl: What Facebook? Do you have any pets: Not at the moment. Hard to keep any in a dorm room. I'd like to maybe get a small dog someday though! Do you want to change your name: Not anymore. When I was little I used to hate my name because everyone kept misspelling or mispronouncing it, but now I like it even if people still get it wrong all the time. Sometimes it still feels weird and othering, in an irrational sort of way, but I can't imagine myself being called anything else. What did you do for your last birthday: Had drinks with some people from my orientation group in one guy's dorm apartment. Casually came out as bi over a game of Never Have I Ever. Wound up at a party even though I had an 8:30 AM class the next morning. Zero regrets. What were you doing last night at midnight? Sitting on my bed and hitting play on the brand-new Meet Me @ the Altar song that dropped last night!!! Name something you can’t wait for: MM@TA EU tour in October! I've been obsessed with them for two years and finally they come here to play some shows and the first time I saw the announcement I legit busted a lip in my excitement. Unfortunately not a hyperbole.

Last time you saw your mum: Last time I visited home—early May I think? What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Better executive functions so I struggle less with getting stuff done, especially uni stuff and household chores. Currently trying to do something about that, actually! If I'm really lucky I might get an ADHD diagnosis in the foreseeable future and maybe meds…? What are you listening to rn: Fall Out Boy – "We Didn't Start the Fire" Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Often. It's quite a common name where I live! What’s getting on your nerves rn: One word: THESIS. Which I for some reason struggle to do anything about. Blood type: Still unknown! Nickname: Several shorter forms of my civilian name. On here, Ruby. Zodiac Sign: Aquarius Pronouns: she/her Favourite tv show: At the moment: ATLA (and Legend of Korra), Ted Lasso, Good Omens. Probably more I'm forgetting. High school: Graduated in 2016! College: In my Masters! I have an undergraduate degree in law now :D Long or short hair: Long, down to my hips. I used to have short hair as a kid, but I’ve always wanted long hair. Height: 159 cm or 5′2.5′’. Do you have a crush on someone: I try to tell myself that no, I'm just very fond of the person. Platonically. What do you like about yourself: I'm creative and adaptable! I'm good at winging it when the situation requires it, and I usually get things figured out one way or another. I'm a hype woman for my friends, and I like the way I can find joy and excitement in all corners of life. Also, not to toot my own horn but I'm really proud of my style right now! Right or left handed: Right-handed. First surgery: None. Piercing: None. First best friend: Probably Rebecca, in first grade. It’s a shame I moved away, I wonder what she’s doing now. First sport you joined: Ballet, when I was five or six. Kept doing it until early fifth grade, then changed to horseback riding. First vacation: Probably to my grandparents’ vacation home somewhere at the North Sea. Don’t remember a thing though, I was one or something.

RIGHT NOW:

Eating: Nothing. Drinking: Water, still! I’m about to: Hopefully write a bit more for the mystery project 👀 Listening to: Meet Me @ the Altar – "Give It Up"

WANT:

Kids: Yes, eventually. I'd like a stable partner first (although if push comes to shove I wouldn't mind raising my kids solo), and most importantly I'd like to be my own person for a couple of years and not be bound by duty to everyone else. Travel, explore the world and myself, get all that out of my system so I can truly go into motherhood with no regrets. Get married: Yes, if I find the right person to do it with. Career: Study law and work for the EU or an NGO.

WHICH IS BETTER:

Lips or eyes: Eyes. I don't pay much attention to lips outside of someone having a cute smile! Hugs or kisses: Kisses are nice, but I still prefer hugs! Taller or shorter: IDGAF. I still love my tall lanky noodle men, but I'm not picky. With women, even less so. Girl is taller than me? Awesome, great for being held. Shorter than me? CUTE. Older or younger: Around my age, rest doesn't matter. I'm at an age where anything between 20-30 is fair game, but any younger or older and it gets creepy. Romantic or spontaneous: A mixture of both. Nice stomach or nice arms: If the person is nice, their body will be nice too. It's an automatic process. I don't make the rules. Sensitive or loud: A combination of both! Troublemaker or hesitant: Secret third thing where they're chaotic but also too shy to really make a move.

HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: Does "someone I talked to all evening but didn't know before that and didn't meet again afterwards" count? Drank liquor: Tried a bit, same as everybody. Found it nasty. Didn't try again. Lost glasses/contacts: Don't have any to lose. (Given the way I've been treating my eyes: yet?) Had sex on the first date: I'm asexual and I refuse. Broke someone’s heart: Yes, and let's leave it at that. Turned someone down: I'm a woman existing in public. Having to turn down random men is a recurring part of my experience. Cried when someone died: Not really—I seem to shut down and go blank more than anything else. I used to feel guilty about it, but now I've learned that everyone processes grief and loss differently and it doesn't mean I care less. Fallen for a friend: Yes, repeatedly, it has yet to end well, and it will probably happen again.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

Yourself: Mostly yes. There are some things I need help with before I can unlock my full potential, but one thing I've learned is that I always manage in the end. And once I get proper help, I have no doubt I'll be just fine. Miracles: I don't like to rely on them, but I do believe that unlikely good things can and do happen. Love at first sight: Not for myself, I need to get to know a person before I fall for them. I do believe in attraction at first sight though. Heaven: It's a nice thought, but whether or not it exists doesn't matter to me. Our task in life is the same regardless: try to be kind and treat others well and hopefully leave the world a slightly better place. Santa Claus: No, and never really have. My parents never claimed he was real; my Christmas presents always came from the family that visited on Christmas Eve. Kissing on a first date: Did it once, it was okay. I think it's one of those "take it or leave it" things—if the chemistry is right, sure, go for it, but it's definitely not for everyone in every situation.

[poopraven]

This post is going to be about surgery, but I'll be light on detail.

So last week I had major surgery. It was planned, and should be life-changing once I'm recovered from it. It's a follow up from the first surgery back in May, and there may be two more after this.

At the moment, I ache. That's to be expected. I am, after all, covered in bruising, and painkillers can only do so much. I'm in compression to minimise the swelling, but compressing bruising is obviously not comfortable.

It'll pass. It did last time, and it will again.

What I'm finding hard this time around are the psychological effects.

I spent the run-up to this surgery crying. About anything. On the night before the hospital admission I was considering cancelling the whole thing, which would lose me a lot of money. It made no sense: I want these surgeries; I need these surgeries. What the hell, brain?

I decided to allow the process to take over. Just turn up at the hospital, get admitted, and sit back to let the machinery kick in. Blood tests, covid tests, consultations with surgeons, anaesthetists, and nurses, just let it all happen, and have it fill up all my bandwidth so that I don't have time to cry about random things.

It worked. I'm here, now, the other side, aching but so glad that I didn't cancel. And as I left the hospital yesterday, one of the nurses hugged me, and I burst into tears.

I think this is something obvious, and yet it hadn't occurred to me. Of course life-changing surgery is going to have a massive psychological impact! Of course if I don't deal with that it's going to mug me when I least expect it!

If I wrote a character who was going through all of this, of course I'd explore the psychological impact!

So why hadn't I realised that I would have some kind of emotional response to it?

(The answer, of course, is probably the ADHD. Or the autism. Or that I'm a numpty).

I chatted for ages with another patient who is also going through the emotional wringer for the same surgery, and I honestly sat there and reassured her that of course it's overwhelming, we're literally fighting to get our bodies back from the disease which has taken over our whole lives, and I still managed to not apply my words to myself.

I'm great at fictional emotions, not so great at my own.

So this is me realising that I'll need to chat to a therapist about this before I proceed to the third surgery. And you may be thinking "Well, of course!" but it's necessary to point out that I do have the emotional intelligence of a slug.

Be kind to yourselves, whatever you're going through. Even if you did it to yourself. Even if it's something you have wanted your whole life. It's okay to feel weird about finally achieving your dreams, because the thing with dreams is they seem so unattainable for so long that I think we put them in the "nice to have, but can't ever become reality" box. Dragging them out and having them become our new reality?

It's a lot.

I'm okay, I'm doing great physically, but I clearly have to work through a few things before I start chasing the dream again.

Take care!

[snaccidentwaiting2happen]

It took me thirty years to figure out a very important truth: you can't walk off cancer, "skip dessert" your way out of Alzheimer's, portion yourself into curing multiple sclerosis...and you can't diet and exercise away morbid obesity.

If you are a *little* overweight: sure! Change up your food choices and burn more calories. Consult with your doctor. Have ALL the fun.

If you're morbidly obese: do not let yourself be gaslit into this diet and exercise shit. You didn't get this way by yourself, even though everyone will tell you that and your own brain will question it. But it's true--chances are something isn't right, and if your doctor won't listen, find another one. I'm not saying that it's completely dumb (it's part of the equation) but it's not the ONLY solution.

The studies on obesity have changed in the last thirty years. New genes have been identified. New eating disorders. The specialization of bariatrics has changed, and now there are both new surgeries and non-surgical options.

People will call obesity an epidemic and refuse to acknowledge it's a disease in the same breath. They'd prefer to look down on people and deem them lazy or weak for being obese.

You're not lazy, and you're not weak. If you're anything like me, you've just been horribly mishandled by the medical community and its outdated, judgemental, insidious preconceptions.

I'm not letting that story define me any longer. I'm fat because of a lot of things, but mostly I think it was in the cards. I have ADHD, anxiety, and binge eating disorder. My emotions are tied to eating, my dopamine thrives on food, and when I'm bored my mind goes to eating. It's deeply ingrained, and it's been a lot of work to undo that. I'm still working on it.

Because it's a disease.

And I take medication for it.

So if you come around and try to squawk diet and exercise at me, expect to get sat on, because us fatties just can't help ourselves and we just need to sit sometimes.

[latibulesanctuary]

The Tale of Losing Myself Part I

This year is both a blessing and a nightmare at the same time.

I passed an ultimate exam that gave me additional letters to my name. Then I was ranked high in a promotion. These events gave a major improvement in my reputation and my career track advanced quick.

But one of laws of the universe was put into motion: To get what you desire, you need to give away something.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer and the treatment was too expensive. The costs were triple my salary and he's over sixty (I call his generation the Gen Z Seniors) so he lives through pension. "

I was expecting people around me to be sympathetic. I was expecting: "you'll get through this" and "God will help your dad heal". But they were more surprised at the money we needed to rake for his treatment. My team leader was even joking about it, "God, that's why I am wishing not to get that kind of disease because treatment is too expensive!"

Things got even worse - the universe took my grandmother. I admit that she wasn't a pleasant woman while she was alive but losing the parent of my parent is still sad.

The news of her death made me look back at the days I had with her. She was my babysitter when I was in pre-school. I remember that she always bought me crackers instead of chips.

I also remember the bamboo woven bag she would always carry every time she came to our house. She never wore pants, always a flowery blouse and a long skirt. Her hair is always tied in a bun and she would only let her hair loose only when she takes a bath. She curses a lot and shouts a lot. But when she was sitting me then, I was always taken care of.

I didn't cry at her funeral. I was sad but I can't bring myself to shed tears. I felt that I only had to attend her funeral as an obligation.

I went to consult with a psychiatrist for answers. I took tests and had a couple of consultations. Told them what I felt. It's funny because I told the psychiatrist that I think I have Adult ADHD. She said, there's a possibility but my situation is leaning more on depression.

I asked if I need some meds for either of the possible diagnosis, yes for ADHD and not necessary for depression. I told myself, "ugh, therapy. Ugh."

Then results came and my diagnosis: not ADHD but MDD. Major Depressive Disorder. It was recommended that I undergo therapy.

I was asked to sign some forms afterwards. The psychiatrist then asked, "do you want to continue with the therapy?"

"Well, uh," I stammered. "Can I just get a printed copy of my diagnosis?"

It was clear that my answer was "no". She tried to get me into the therapy program again, but I insisted on getting a print-out of my diagnosis.

She sighed and told me to wait while she gets the print-out. I waited for twenty minutes, then left.

It's November now. My life is summed up like this:

Got heartbroken/ghosted.

Passed the bar exam.

Dad got diagnosed with cancer.

Got into the promotion list.

Grandma died.

At this point, I don't know how to feel. If I feel happy for the positive things, I will feel guilty afterwards about my dad and my grandmother. If I feel sad about my dad and my grandmother, I'd have to tell myself, "At least you passed the bar and will be promoted".

I did tell the psychiatrist about this and she said that's why she strongly recommends therapy.

I told her I don't have enough money for the therapy sessions - which is a lie. I can afford them actually while I help with my dad's bills. Of course, with little sacrifices like eating in less expensive restaurants and taking the public transport instead of Grab or taxi.

I just don't want to.

[copperbadge]

1 of 2. Hi Sam - good morning! Re anxiety & ADHD. As a long-time clinical psychologist and experiencer of anxiety I would say that there is somewhat of a difference between the anxiety disorders identified in DSM such as GAD, (they typically address excessive/unrealistic/unwarranted worry/anxiety/fear) and the stress/anxiety that comes from knowing we are not managing to do the things necessary to keeping our life running smoothly because of, for example, ADHD. Of course, someone can experience

both at the same time. Typically, what we do about them differs a bit. For the excessive worry of GAD, we might help people change their relationship to worry thoughts so they're less dominated by them and they do less to 'fuel them.' With the stress of struggling with managing life tasks, we might use meds or behavioral strategies to increase ability and/or find ways of reducing life demands - to the extent that's possible in a capitalist society :(

Turns out I can't write the letters DSM without adding a disclaimer! DSM treats a complex biopsychosocial experience like anxiety a bit like it's measles - like it's a disease which we have or don't have: not my experience personally or professionally, & the data around many mental health issues suggests they're dimensional rather than categorical & they have complex, interactional risk factors to varying degrees. DSM may have some utility but it's not 'the truth.'

Yikes, I just found this in my drafts after having lost it for like...I think a couple of weeks at least, sorry Anon that I did not respond sooner. If it’s any consolation there’s at least one ask in my inbox from 2014. 

What you’re saying about GAD vs. bog-standard “something’s wrong in my life” anxiety makes a lot of sense, and is kind of how I was looking at it, I think, but I’m not sure I was vocalizing it well. What was throwing me for a loop was the evaluator saying that I had really severe levels of anxiety, something that was worrying to her in a clinical sense -- GAD never really came up as a term, it was just what I had to go on when I got off the zoom call with her and googled about it. (She was very clear to state that while I had anxiety surrounding social situations she was not offering a diagnosis of Social Anxiety, both parts of which I agree with.) Of course it’s hard to know when you’re sitting in it whether what you’re feeling is unwarranted, but I felt like what worry I do feel is generally legit. I’ve been able to identify “Hey you’re freaked out about nothing” before, including times I couldn’t stop freaking out about nothing, but that seemed to me to be evidence I had a sense of scale, and it was never chronic. 

These last few days, having shoveled out from under a bunch of stuff, I’ve been unsettled about the fact that there are periods of time when I don’t need to be doing anything. There’s stuff I could be doing, my to-do list isn’t empty, but none of it is catch-on-fire urgent the way much of my life has chronically been. I’m just so conditioned to having forgotten to do stuff and/or having stuff I know I should be doing that when I am permitted by circumstances to just sit and vegetate, I’m extremely bad about accepting it. Reading is helping, since there’s always another book to read and it fulfills my “I should be doing something” sense without actually wearing me out, and Dearborn is helping by sitting on me a bunch, but it’s very much an adjustment.

Still haven’t gotten the evaluation report from the clinic. I nudged the person who said she was doing the writeup, and she said she’d have it for me by today, then a few hours later emailed me to say “Actually your case was assigned to another doctor. I’ve asked her to bump it to the top of her queue, but I don’t have an ETA for you.”

They’ve got until August (mainly because the second half of July is going to be super hectic for me) and then I’m getting insurance involved. 

[bougiebutchbitch]

i unfortunately have Can't Sit Still Disease which clashes horribly with having a cane and a family who get irritated by my habit of tapping it LOUDLY on the ground when im sitting down. also my cane has a green/black camo pattern on it and its got the most comfortable grip known to man kind <3

CAN'T SIT STILL DISEASE thkljsdfhgsdfg that is the BEST description

That sounds like such a snazzy cane!! I would beg for pics if you're comfortable giving them? Pimping out your aids is truly the best experience - one of my mates has put stickers all over hers and is looking into getting punk spikes on it, which just - BADASS AS FUCK <3

Amusingly, my fainting problem means I have to stand up and sit down fairly regularly because I can't let that blood pool (thank god for standing desks!)...... and SO DOES THE ADHD

For once, the Issues are in sync! They are shaking hands on one subject, and that subject is a loathing of being stationary!!

[xerospaced]

So i was curious as to whether a meltdown could be catatonic

As I feel, on an emotional level, that I am having a meltdown but rather than the crying/rocking/moaning/stimming/hyperventilating and what have you

I'm stuck

Like i managed to sit up to plug my phone in coz an hour or so ago coz it hit 1%

But otherwise I've been locked in this position for about 4 hours.

So anyway, I google catatonic meltdown to see if it's a thing

Lo and behold!

Not only is it a thing

But I've been having catatonic episodes for weeks IF NOT MONTHS

The lack of initiation, agitation, limited movement, limited speech, slowness (and I mean wow fucking slowness!! Im moving so slow I am losing literal HOURS without realising it)...

Ykno what

Lemme just post a screencap of the list of presentations

And... it is presentations in autism - I was searching meltdowns so makes sense

What I'm saying is that I have [and have had in various combinations over the past weeks/months] ALL OF THESE FUCKING SYMPTOMS

Even down to the grimacing ayfkm

And the only reason I even noticed the grimacing was coz i realised it was happening a few weeks ago but couldn't seem to stop it and I thought it was fucking odd.

Aggression and difficulty initiating actions CHECK AND FUCKING CHECK- it's getting our of hand.

Hesitations. Repetitive movements! My back is FUCKED coz i can't maintain a suitable seated position for longer than im stuxk thinking about it.

I legit feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. Like I'm not here.

Weirdly... scary to know this is it's own thing I'm experiencing. Daunting. But also - I've been dealing with this my whole life. No exaggeration. Sometimes I have months where I'm clear. But I would say I experience at least half of any one of these given symptoms at any given time.

That's....

Incredibly fucking upsetting if I'm honest.

I kept thinking that one day I would just figure it out.

I will be able to move when I want to. Eat when I should. Pull myself away from my interests when I wish. Not lost untold time getting stuck repeating the same motion with no end goal. Urinate when my bladder is full rather than the last second where my body is right about to override my fuggen brain! Work when I want to work!

But the aggression. These past days. I put it down to PMS - I'm sure it's played it's part. But last weeks. The consistent agitation. The inability to perform any necessary task. Falling behind on my work. The absolutely NOTHING mood. But agitation gnawing away consistently.

I feel like a powder keg.

I have no support.

I have no diagnosis [it's become impossible to believe that I'm wrong about my suspicions of ASD at this point].

I have no idea how to manage it.

And all the live long day it's "try this and try this and figure this out" and I just want to fucking scream because my brain is NOT WORKING!

What's the solution that fixes the line between I WANT to do something and me Actually doing it!?

I want to play sims but even something I actively enjoy I miss out on because I can not initiate action.

Yes, I find it easier to accomplish tasks when I am around people. BUT I AM ALONE 95% OF THE TIME. Soon to be something closer to 99.

SO.......!!??

And I feel guilty

I feel shitty

I'm underperforming!

I work quickly and to a high standard but I'm lagging because I can't start. Or I do start but I can't maintain course.

Im still stuck in the same twisted position as when I started typing this 20 mins ago and I'm sure it hurts but I cant even tell if it hurts anymore.

I can't remember what natural hunger feels like. I'm talking ravenous or nothing - mostly nothing.

And there's been so much going on lately.

And all I'm hearing is what I'm not doing.

What I need to improve.

Where I'm falling short.

Do more. Do More. DO MORE.

My moods are shifting too quick for me to log them. Not that it matters anyway coz I lack the ability to initiate that fucking task too.

There are so many things I want to do. And I know exactly how I want to be living. And I know (from the short few months in which I actually managed it) how good it feels to live the way I want.

But I can't make it happen.

I can't even decide if I should feed myself rn.

All this shit going on has not had me mentally stressed - at points, I'm not exactly big on stressing or worrying - but what has become undeniable is that it has fucked me on a functional basis.

I'm not steering the ship. And I don't know how to take control.

And I'm on a fucking 11 month waiting list for an autism assessment.

When I say life has been Hard.

The ADHD that was only diagnosed last year, the likely undiagnosed ASD, also diagnosed last year was the autoimmune connective tissue disease. Major depressive disorder. Multiple forms of anxiety. The misdiagnosed bpd. And then IF WE REALLY HAVE TO let's add on the self-harm, failed suicide attempt(s), ostracisation, emotional abuse, physical abuse, being literally left for dead, the plethora of hospitalizations as a child, childhood emotional neglect, abandonment, overlooked behavioural issues, teenage self-medicating, bullying, and fuggen MORE

I mean

Life

Is

Fuxking

HARD.

With a brain and a body that won't connect (and is also trying to destroy me for shits and giggles).

And I'm still wanting to keep going.

At this point... purely out of spite.

Because fuck this hand I've been dealt. But Fuck Me if I'm not a sharp son of a bitch! Ima play the fuck out of em.

Almost 27 years I've dragged myself through misery and I'm still in it.

I refuse to tap out now. I got no choice but to make it worth something. To make it matter. To make my existence mean more than a stupid fucking mistake the universe has been trying to erase.

I gotta be in this for Something.

This can't be all life has to give me.

Surely.

[mumblesplash]

my parents are convinced adhd is just "can't sit still disorder" and that it's not a real thing that needs any help. they think of autism in the same way except that it's more like "socially inept genius disorder". so rip me, i guess i'm going to end up being undiagnosed adhd/asd mid-stem degree like you lol.

hmm have you ever seen dr russell barkley’s ‘30 essential ideas about adhd’ lecture? whole thing’s on youtube for free (in 5-10 minute segments too) and pretty soundly convinced me i should at least get tested. 

you know better than i possibly could whether your parents would be willing to listen, but if you think they are he gets across well and quickly that it’s more than just Fidget Disease and he’s got a buncha fancy credentials to boot so it might be worth a shot to show them what he has to say.

whatever the case i do wish you the best, and if it helps - as hard as it was, i got through my whole degree *before* getting diagnosed, even with no healthy coping skills and no idea what my problem was. 

it’s not impossible, and if you can set yourself up with a good support system early on and learn to work with the way your mind functions instead of against it you’ll already be leagues ahead of where i was. you’re not doomed to fail, but more importantly you’re not doomed to misery.

(apologies if this comes across as patronizing, this *is* me talking to my past self a bit. i’ve known since middle school that i’m prone to self sabotage, but i’ve only recently realized how much angst i could have avoided if i’d seen my honest mistakes as evidence i needed to proceed differently next time instead of seeing them as proof i was a bad person)

[stormyandshameless]

My entire family and my therapist think I have ADHD. I am on meds that treat ADHD (they're for depression) and have been off of them for the past week and can't focus for shit, have significantly lessened impulse control (I bought a 500$ computer), and can't sit still to save my life, among a host of other things. All of these issues were lessened when I was on meds and off of them I'm realizing just how bad they actually are. But will I say I have ADHD? No because I have two psyche professionals in my family who, while saying I probably have ADHD, believe self diagnosis is a cardinal fucking sin. FMFL

My therapist literally is having me read a help book for people with ADD so I can mitigate my fucking symptoms disease easier. I have everything but an official diagnosis and an IEP which I'm beginning to realize I might need.

[xerospaced]

So i was curious as to whether a meltdown could be catatonic

As I feel, on an emotional level, that I am having a meltdown but rather than the crying/rocking/moaning/stimming/hyperventilating and what have you

I'm stuck

Like i managed to sit up to plug my phone in coz an hour or so ago coz it hit 1%

But otherwise I've been locked in this position for about 4 hours.

So anyway, I google catatonic meltdown to see if it's a thing

Lo and behold!

Not only is it a thing

But I've been having catatonic episodes for weeks IF NOT MONTHS

The lack of initiation, agitation, limited movement, limited speech, slowness (and I mean wow fucking slowness!! Im moving so slow I am losing literal HOURS without realising it)...

Ykno what

Lemme just post a screencap of the list of presentations

And... it is presentations in autism - I was searching meltdowns so makes sense

What I'm saying is that I have [and have had in various combinations over the past weeks/months] ALL OF THESE FUCKING SYMPTOMS

Even down to the grimacing ayfkm

And the only reason I even noticed the grimacing was coz i realised it was happening a few weeks ago but couldn't seem to stop it and I thought it was fucking odd.

Aggression and difficulty initiating actions CHECK AND FUCKING CHECK- it's getting our of hand.

Hesitations. Repetitive movements! My back is FUCKED coz i can't maintain a suitable seated position for longer than im stuxk thinking about it.

I legit feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. Like I'm not here.

Weirdly... scary to know this is it's own thing I'm experiencing. Daunting. But also - I've been dealing with this my whole life. No exaggeration. Sometimes I have months where I'm clear. But I would say I experience at least half of any one of these given symptoms at any given time.

That's....

Incredibly fucking upsetting if I'm honest.

I kept thinking that one day I would just figure it out.

I will be able to move when I want to. Eat when I should. Pull myself away from my interests when I wish. Not lost untold time getting stuck repeating the same motion with no end goal. Urinate when my bladder is full rather than the last second where my body is right about to override my fuggen brain! Work when I want to work!

But the aggression. These past days. I put it down to PMS - I'm sure it's played it's part. But last weeks. The consistent agitation. The inability to perform any necessary task. Falling behind on my work. The absolutely NOTHING mood. But agitation gnawing away consistently.

I feel like a powder keg.

I have no support.

I have no diagnosis [it's become impossible to believe that I'm wrong about my suspicions of ASD at this point].

I have no idea how to manage it.

And all the live long day it's "try this and try this and figure this out" and I just want to fucking scream because my brain is NOT WORKING!

What's the solution that fixes the line between I WANT to do something and me Actually doing it!?

I want to play sims but even something I actively enjoy I miss out on because I can not initiate action.

Yes, I find it easier to accomplish tasks when I am around people. BUT I AM ALONE 95% OF THE TIME. Soon to be something closer to 99.

SO.......!!??

And I feel guilty

I feel shitty

I'm underperforming!

I work quickly and to a high standard but I'm lagging because I can't start. Or I do start but I can't maintain course.

Im still stuck in the same twisted position as when I started typing this 20 mins ago and I'm sure it hurts but I cant even tell if it hurts anymore.

I can't remember what natural hunger feels like. I'm talking ravenous or nothing - mostly nothing.

And there's been so much going on lately.

And all I'm hearing is what I'm not doing.

What I need to improve.

Where I'm falling short.

Do more. Do More. DO MORE.

My moods are shifting too quick for me to log them. Not that it matters anyway coz I lack the ability to initiate that fucking task too.

There are so many things I want to do. And I know exactly how I want to be living. And I know (from the short few months in which I actually managed it) how good it feels to live the way I want.

But I can't make it happen.

I can't even decide if I should feed myself rn.

All this shit going on has not had me mentally stressed - at points, I'm not exactly big on stressing or worrying - but what has become undeniable is that it has fucked me on a functional basis.

I'm not steering the ship. And I don't know how to take control.

And I'm on a fucking 11 month waiting list for an autism assessment.

When I say life has been Hard.

The ADHD that was only diagnosed last year, the likely undiagnosed ASD, also diagnosed last year was the autoimmune connective tissue disease. Major depressive disorder. Multiple forms of anxiety. The misdiagnosed bpd. And then IF WE REALLY HAVE TO let's add on the self-harm, failed suicide attempt(s), ostracisation, emotional abuse, physical abuse, being literally left for dead, the plethora of hospitalizations as a child, childhood emotional neglect, abandonment, overlooked behavioural issues, teenage self-medicating, bullying, and fuggen MORE

I mean

Life

Is

Fuxking

HARD.

With a brain and a body that won't connect (and is also trying to destroy me for shits and giggles).

And I'm still wanting to keep going.

At this point... purely out of spite.

Because fuck this hand I've been dealt. But Fuck Me if I'm not a sharp son of a bitch! Ima play the fuck out of em.

Almost 27 years I've dragged myself through misery and I'm still in it.

I refuse to tap out now. I got no choice but to make it worth something. To make it matter. To make my existence mean more than a stupid fucking mistake the universe has been trying to erase.

I gotta be in this for Something.

This can't be all life has to give me.

Surely.