#to send me a whole passive aggressive af ask | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

captnjacksparrow · 2 years

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Hi! How has your fandom experience been so far? Do you ever feel burnt out?

Naruto Fandom as a whole = Tear-Wiping & Woobification of their Favourites by shamelessly blame Shifting, Projecting non-existent Mental Illness and Romantic feelings, Playing Pain Olympics, Victimizing their fav while Antagonizing other sub-fandom.

[ **Am sorry, Every character tags, I go into tumblr, they play this PTSD card and absolve their shittiness which is totally stupid.. when In Canon none of the characters display such symptoms for a prolonged period** ]

However, I found the right people from the other sub-fandom who don't spoon-feed & apologize for their favs and simply Call A Spade, A Spade. They adhere to canon and stick to the facts. So, it makes this place nice.

As for SNS Fandom - Extremely One-Sided (Sasuke-sided), Boring, Dull, Unfunny, Passive - Aggressive, Back-Bitching and Homogeneous Wannabe ((Meaning: If you don’t agree with the majority... then you are bullied))

Howwwweverrrrrrr

That's not the only impression I have though. Atleast personally.

My time for the 1 whole year I’ve spent in this SNS Fandom is majorly (98%) AWESOME, felt Blessed. Majorly due to the Anons who send me asks.

The Type of Asks I am receiving will never cease to amuse me. Not gonna lie, more than writing an answer, I always enjoy reading Anon Asks. Some of the asks, I don’t even want to let them leave my Inbox, I want to keep it forever, cradling like a baby. LOL... Some of the Asks, I feel like "Anon, You really should post this in your own blog and I want to reblog it.. Damn Good!!!"

So, I'll just attach something memorable.

THE FIRST ASK. Everything started from here.....

My very first Ask.

I don't know why that Anon decided to send me an ask... Considering, I only made one post before... But I still treasure that one. Also, it’s very hilarious that I genuinely thought Kishimoto made NH because Hinata was popular. Also, I thought those wedding episodes were drawn by Kishimoto. LOL. Coz, I didn’t finish reading the manga at that time.

So, A Big Thanks for that Anon...

ANONS BE - FUNNY AF...... LMAO

And then Some Anons are Extremely funny... Like Mad funny to the point of making me smile in places where I shouldn’t be... I am a person who adores people with great sense of humour... I easily become friends with them if they keep on cracking jokes....

Poor Anon... I always headcanon myself to offer my Winter Jacket to this poor soul if they ended up watching that Movie...

“GTFO you fangirl cringe-fest” == LMAO.

This Anon has an amazing Dark Humour... Like, Every sentence was a peak comedy... “Maybe Quickly tie the rods with a strong thread then run off and have some friends trying pull out” --- I remember I was attending a meeting in my workplace and suddenly I couldn’t help but giggle thinking about this line... then my Team Lead was remarking that, “It seems someone is in Crush”.... LOL... How do I tell them that I was really smiling at this one???? [[Anon, If you are reading this, you definitely should write a Dark Comedy or Gag fic for SNS... I stan Gag materials...]]

The Anon was talking about SS Vs NH war in twitter during that Sasuke Retsuden Manga illustration news broke out. LOL... “Fat Priests”

“Look, Kishimoto could have claimed in an interview that Kiba was secretly the reincarnation of the Sage of the Six Paths and it would have meant Jackshit...”

I don’t know what this Anon has against Kiba.... But it’s just hilarious af.

Here’s the thing.. Even if you, readers, don’t agree with what I write, atleast you could try reading the Anons question which would definitely ease off your mind for sure.

ANONS BE - EXTREMELY OBSERVANT

If Hilariousness is one side... Then I must say, Being Observant is another side...

For example,

I was mentioning in many of my posts that Sakura’s character is not a Bad Writing.. instead there was an intention behind why she was written like that... I mentioned about this fact in a casual manner without any emphasis on it.... And one anon picked up my words and asked Why is that... And that became one of the lengthy post I’ve written so far which has nothing to do with SNS but it ended up being SNS...

In this Post, I casually mentioned that Sasuke is not an Arrogant person, in a random line... That ask was totally about Naruto’s Aesthetic appeal inside Narutoverse. But our SNS blogger (larrycherry07), pointedly asked me about that sentence as to why I feel that way... And I ended up making a lengthy post about Sasuke’s Arrogance .

Similarly, In this post, I was talking about how Kishimoto started to screw up SS/NH/NS/SK starting from Pain Arc.... and I just casually added a line as to how Kishi made Madara dirty... as a casual mention... And then another anon picked that line and asked me as to Why I feel Madara was nerfed like clown... And That became another lengthy post..

So, you see... The Anons are extremely Observant and when I get ask like that, I simply get astounded as to, “Yaaayy!!! People are reading even my lengthy rants and are paying attention to it... But on the other hand I should be extra responsible & careful about what I write, from here onwards”...

ANONS BE - TELEPATHIC

Just when I want to write a single post about some topic... Some telepathic anon would send an Ask reflecting what was in my mind, right out of nowhere and I am like... “....”..... Shocked to the core.

Like how do they do that???? I swear, this can’t be happening in any other fandom, Right???

ANONS BE - HETEROGENOUS (being diverse)

One of the best thing I enjoy about these anons are... They really want to know about other stuffs too. i.e, things that doesn’t have anything to do with SNS or even SS/NH.... Someday, I get an ask about Deidara. Another day I get an ask about Obito.

Which shows, they are invested in this series as a Whole just like I do... Which makes me feel truly connected to this Fandom.

ANONS BE - DESCRIPTIVE (SINCERE)

Most of the Anons send me ask explaining what they mean, why do they feel certain way and how do they come to that conclusion... And then they ask what do I think about those. You could clearly see the sincerity in their thought process and genuinely want to know more about this series. One such ask is this...

Again, this doesn’t only pertains to SNS but this also extends to other plotlines as well. This is something I wish that could’ve happened in other platforms back when I was a new comer to this fandom...

ANONS BE - ‘EXPLAIN THIS’ (correcting my stance)

There is this ask where the Anon was asking my contradictory meaning to two similar things... I mean, In one of my previous posts, I’ve said “Sasuke catched Sakura and thanking her silently” and In another post, I’ve said, “Sasuke made a silent apology to Naruto through Tears in Chapter 698... Like he doesn’t need words”... So, it looks both of the acts are similar in nature.... And the Anon was asking my explanation...

Which shows, they read my posts carefully... And remembers what I write... They connect the dots together and want to know more about it. If there’s any contradiction, they’d like to ask me about that as well... Which is very cool of them, tbh.

ANONS BE - THOUGHT PROVOKING

Okay. Let me tell you.... Not every opinions are strongly developed from my own head... Sometimes, Anons help me develop it... Like, you subconsciously know about something but you won’t realize it or even spend your time to bother thinking about it... And then some Anon would randomly send an Ask and it’d just flare my subconscious thoughts up and help me hit the Euphoria....

One such moment was...

After receiving this amazing Ask...

When I got that ask... it never gave me any sense of Epiphany... I casually answered what I felt at that time... Which is very evident from my changed current opinions as compared to that ask... [[ Not only women characters’ arc revolve around men... But men characters’ arc also revolve around men.. Which I didn’t realize before... I legit thought Kishi drew Hinata in an Obscene way... LOL ]]

But after sometime, when I started to ask myself some questions, “Why didn’t the author made Sakura and Hinata to be likeable??? Like why? I even love Obito who did everything wrong... but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to like these girls... What must be the reason?”

And whenever I ask these kind of questions related to women characters... I keep coming back to this ask...

Then I started paying attention towards Tsunade more and more... And Realized she is not only a secondary side character but also developed with more attention. Like she has a Backstory... She has a Dream that doesn’t have anything to do with Dan... She is independent... She is Strong... She was given a position of Power... She wasn’t written to be like a bimbo with just boobs with no personality... All for a side character.... And I wondered, why didn’t Kishimoto did the same with Sakura though???

Then only these lines from that ask struck me...

I don't believe Kishi can't write romance, I also don't believe he can't write at least halfway decent female characters, he just chose not to... I felt like sensei not only deliberately wrote the women in a bad light, he made something akin to the development of something romantic, just to later deliberately sabotage them.

So, that’s why???!!!!

The Author intentionally want us to hate these two women so that we would notice SNS bond better otherwise we would end up shipping NH/SS... And that’s why he sabotaged them at every given chance????

Then only I started to piece together the purpose of these women as a Beard... And also I realized that Kishi is not that misogynistic monster the fandom claim him to be... Instead I felt he is more disinterested in anyone who is not Naruto and Sasuke. Be it male or female....

I mean I subconsciously had no problems with Kishimoto’s writing of Women characters... It’s only after I got into the fandom I kept hearing these claims... But that ask totally flared up my inner thoughts more and more... And it confirmed many things in the long run... Which made me write so many post on that topic.

Thanks to that Ask... which actually helped me realize something great about the Author’s nuances...

(Some ask had negatively affected me though, which I’ll explain in my other post tomorrow)

Now tell me, How many fandoms out there could say that they have people who could share and discuss their thoughts in a Funny, Sensible, Thought Provoking, Sincere manner all the while being super polite??? ON A CONSISTENT BASIS....??? I mean, in the Past 1 year... there’s not many days that goes without a post from me... Almost everyday, I post something... And 95% of those asks are unique in nature...

Well, yes... I get Hate Asks from time to time... But all of them are totally negligible and trivial when compared to all the other meaningful asks I receive.

And Yes... I don’t like this NS/SN discourse at all... Especially one having the moral high ground and invalidating the other based on Headcanons.

SNS fandom maybe boring and unfunny, sometimes downright irritating because of the passive aggressiveness & relentless one-sidedness.

But I am clearly having fun in my own little space because of all those lovely anons... So, the least I could do is convey my Thank You to everyone who sent me asks so far and lending their time and eyes to my answers.

#thank you very much #anon #NaruSasu #SasuNaru #sns #nsn #as for getting burn out... Hmmm not yet #But eventually I will (???)#I don't know.lol

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simonalkenmayer · 3 years

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I don’t get the problem. I’ve been here a while and I still can’t figure out why anyone started hate blogging about you or kept it up after they saw you talk. I don’t get what’s happening in their heads. What is their problem?

To be quite blunt, I don't know the answer to that.

There have always been bullies and always will be, and this has been a fascinating way of observing them, but in all honestly, I still don't comprehend what motivates it entirely. As near as I can tell...they're just miserable people.

So here's how it began. Over four years ago, I began seeing comments from the isdead blog in the notes of my posts. They were obviously meant to be passive aggressively pretentious, to get my attention. So one day, I said "oh not him again" or something like that. He replied. After a moment, I went to him privately and explained that i didn't want him to use my pen name in his URL. I gave a list of reasons including his safety. For each one he had an explanation as to why I should be flattered, or why I deserved it. Any objection i raised got explained away in a way that allowed him to justify keeping his brilliant choice of name (he made sure to tell me exactly what he thought it meant over my objection). I said that I might press legal action if he didn't respect my wishes. He didn't care. In fact, he mocked me for it. I let it alone, because an international case of copyright infringement is both difficult to win, and also would out me to the world. But really he was the perfect candidate to study as a bully, because of how he began to behave.

Shortly after this private conversation, he turned his blog into a "critique" of me, though he never actually read any of my published work until just over a year ago, because he "didn't want to give me money" (never mind the books were free). In actuality, his critique of me was to read subtext into literally everything I produced, obtusely misread whole paragraphs, insert emotion where none existed, nitpick my grammar, accuse me of every single thing he could think of over these last nearly five years, and conduct himself as hypocritically as possible. I can't make heads or tales of his reasoning. Frankly, I don't think there is one. He began it on a whim because he didn't like that I asked him to stop, and spent the intervening time building justifications for why he is right to "talk shit". He even went so far as to say I should have known better, when someone sent me explicit sexual content I specifically said I didn't want. He also denied any responsibility he bears for the various things that have been done, like fire starting or sending me poisonous food. I'm sure he's completely blameless, never mind he's made his blog a rallying point for people who are also bullies and have threatened to stalk me on his very blog, in his very ask box. he thinks that because he gave a tacit "Oh don't do that because it's illegal" that means he has no responsibility. I beg to differ, but that is beside the point, because I came to study and online bullying was one I knew I could see with this experimental model. Didn't quite expect it to look like that, but...beggars can't be choosers.

I thought at first they'd figure out they were being studied, but they never did. So finally, when someone else brought it up because they spotted it, I thought to myself, I might as well tell them and see what they do. So I did. I told them. Flat out. "You're being studied as bullies in an online social task-based network." I even gave a small crash course in Group Dynamics and Narcissists within a group who decide to occupy blocking roles. They replied with conjecture that my experiment was fake? Why? Because they can't possibly be the bullies, I suppose. It wasn't a fake.

Essentially, they've accused the owner of this blog of every crime under heaven, including grooming minors, because I once gave a 17 year old advice on how to fill out a FAFSA. If I was one quarter as bad as they've made me out to be after six years on Tumblr trying to find fault with me, then I'd already have been arrested. Yet here i am, actually just sitting here, doing the same thing I've always done, regardless of them and their petulance. The truth is, I've not done a damn thing, and this annoys them, so they have to invent outrage and farm for righteousness. They need me to be a villain they can vanquish, because they know without that tag of righteousness, they're just bullies, targeting someone online, behaving like school children.

It was fascinating and interesting when I was actively studying it, but now it's just flat out stupid and I don't have patience for it. I'm no longer recording their blogs. I'm no longer gathering data on them. I no longer care. So of course they're going to come visit me more than ever and make passive aggressive remarks.

That's what this is. Here's a perfect metaphor: I moved into the neighborhood. Someone saw me, thought I might be "cool" and stole my look. I didn't notice. They decided to get my attention. They'd leave me passive aggressive post it notes on my door about my lawn gnomes. I told them not to come onto my property because it's mine, and they decided this made me satan and spent almost five years looking out their window at my house so they could punish me every time I watered my yard, or painted my trim an odd color. We have the same flags in our yards. We have the same gnomes even, but here this person is, going around gossiping to neighbors, because he's bored and I told him no, so long ago. The ability to sustain and manufacture outrage would be impressive if I wasn't so bored of it.

And let's not even bring up the Tupperware, how it supposedly makes me antisemitic, and why me joking about how fucking ridiculous that is also makes me antisemitic. Or how refusing to call him a fool makes me transphobic. Or that saying I'm studying racism in fiction makes me racist. Or that trying to out-logic a TERF makes me a terf? I can't keep track of any of it anymore. It's all just contortionist nonsense of the cerebrum because they're all petty bullies who need a fix. I'm ableist because I won't TL;DR my private thoughts on my blog. I'm ableist because I asked DID people to tell me what it was like for them so that I could understand it better. It's all just...so stupid. I'm a villain for doing good things. I'm damned whether or not I do.

So...nothing I can do.

There's no fixing them. They have to decide that they want to stop, and they won't do that as long as this endeavor gives them something to feel self-righteous about. I'd argue the world has enough of a supply for them to find a real thing to argue against, but apparently since I represent every bad thing on the earth, I'll do.

I'm not going to apologize for existing. For doing my experiment. For putting out surveys. For studying bullying, or fiction, or viral communication. I won't apologize for getting paid for my work. I won't apologize for being candid. I won't apologize for asking for help, for not knowing everything, for learning as I go. I won't apologize to them for their miserable lives i didn't create, their anger, their self-loathing. I won't apologize for crimes they manufacture whole cloth, or for being more well-liked than them, or having more followers, or a sense of humor and the ability to take things less seriously. I won't apologize for not being as obsessed with them as they are with me, and honestly knowing almost nothing about them. I won't apologize for tracking their IP when they come to my page. I won't apologize for laughing at the things they insist on making so bloody stupid. I won't accept their version of reality, simply because they think they may have spoken to one person who says they knew me and met me once. I won't be called names because they feel entitled to throw them. I am not their property or their entertainment.

This is why I keep telling them to get a hobby or a life. Over and over. And yet here we are still. Years later.

I came here to do a thing. Along the way i found i enjoyed it a bit, and was using it to also do good work. So I decided to stay. I don't know why they're here or what they get out of it. I won't surmise. But I will say, they will never as long as they live admit wrong-doing, even if i show them a dissertation on the model of online bullying they became.

They're always right. I'm always wrong. People who read my blog are misguided cult members who are mentally ill and can't be trusted with money. All the people who follow that blog are noble cause fighters on a quest to kill a savage beast. I mention them bullying me and they're my victims. They bully me and are honorable because of it.

Here's a thought: It's also possible to be right, but still be a bully. It's possible to pick on someone instead of solving a problem you know exists. It's possible to agree with someone in every way, but still behave in an abusive or deconstructionist way. It's possible to be well-intentioned but do the worst possible thing to someone.

Bullying is about YOUR behavior. Not the target's.

Anyway, to get back to the ask...I cannot give you an answer. I don't know why they got this particular bug up their bung holes. I don't know why they've nursed it for so long. I don't know why they don't comprehend layers of identity, or curation of content, or what an experiment actually is. I don't know why they have such a hard on for me, except that I am apparently very sexy.

It's all complete nonsense to me, but I'm sure they're right, I'm wrong, my friends are bastards and somewhere there's a tumblr god who gives a merciless shite.

#24hourchaos

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we-want-mini-mini · 4 years

Text

Since I have no self restraint, I’m writing another prompt/one shot.

Essentially, normal girl Lia (or some OC) whose a big fan of DC comics and the like ends up in a weird inter dimensional accident and ends up in the DC universe (it can be a mix of canon because fuck canon, up to you).

But, where did Lia end up exactly? Fucking Gotham.

The moment she realizes this is decides: Nope. Nah. Nada. No sir-y. This is NOT happening. Fuck this. I might end dying, or, worse, BECOME A FUCKING MAIN CHARACTER IN THE BAT CLAN. NAH. HELL NO.

Lia decides that, no, she will not involve herself in the Bat Clan/Wayne’s at all. Nope. Nah. Too much drama. Too much angst. Too much fucking skin tight suits and my poor Pan heart can’t TAKE all the HOT, RIPPED hero’s like what the fuck.

Now, this can play out in a variety of ways:

Lia is, say, around the same age as one of the Batboys. It can be any of them, up to you. Now, she some how ends up in Gotham Acdemy and begrudgingly befriends them. Cue angst (especially if its Jason. Considering in canon, if Jason survives he becomes Red Robin thats all I know lmao). If Lia is friends with the second Robin, it’d bring up the deliemma of: does she tell him that he’s gonna fucking die and then come back to life. Oh and, she’s actually from an alternate world were everyone thats like a superhero/vigilante is a fictional character. Honestly, if done well, can definitely stir the feelings of the poor saps who read the moral deliemma of Lia. Now, who is Lia? Someone who doesn’t want to get involved. If she avoids Jason in the beginning, does she have doubts and wants to warn Batman of Jason impending death or not? Like, that sort of shit panic attack inducing. There’s a lot of things you guys can do to torture not only Lia, but also the readers who might be like: “TELL HIM! TELL HIMMMMM!!!” or, “fuck, even I don’t know what I’d do” and etc. There’s a lot of leeway.

They are grown, and are in college (let’s say the events of Death in The Family happened and everything surrounding Red Robin striking out to find Bruce whose lost in time). This Lia is much older, recently graduated from college and currently interns for Wayne Enterprises. See, Lia is just another intern in a global colgomerate cooperation, there’s no way she’d ever run into any of the Wayne’s. None at all. But. But. She does. Some how she becomes the Executive Assistant to Tim (he once saw how she managed an entire fucking department’s schedule even though a group of people spontaneously quit. She was able to somehow salvage that shit in under three hours. And, Tim might or might not have fallen slightly in love with her—). Lia, now, a fresh 20-something year old, is now the Executive Assistant to another 20-something year old who happened to run one of the most rich and powerful companies in the entire world holy shit. Now, we follow the adventures of Lia, whose now one of the most powerful persons in the entire company (and proxy the world, I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️). Lia, let’s say, is a fucking god at manipulating people, making connections, accounting and management, and also a Very Tired Recently Graduate of GU. She, cannot, and will not deal with the constant bullshit that the Bats pull regularly. So, Lia can either passive aggressively hint that, yeah Tim, you definitely got that broken arm from a golf accident. Oh hey, I also heard the Red Robin foughy Killer Croc and also sported a broken left arm like you! What a coincidence, right? And she’d say this with a straight face. Tim knows that she knows, and Lia knows that Tim knows and yeah. Alternatively, she could outright tell him: “look, Tim, I swear to god, if you put off another meeting without a day notice just because some gang member got the better of you.” “Wait, gang member—?” “—do NOT interrupt me. Look, I know Bruce Wayne is Batman. Not the whole, ‘Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same person! The butts match!’ type of thing. I know he is Batman, you Red Robin, Dick Grayson is Nightwing, Red Hood is the weirdly alive Jason Todd, etc etc. There’s no point in feigning the fact that I don’t know. Because, I do.” They stare at eachother for a bit, and Tim falls just a little more in love. “How... Actually it’s dumb to ask you how you know, but, how long?” “Good tactic to ask me how long I’ve know instead of how I know. But, to answer your question: I’ve know since I was around...” THE FRAME FREEZES now, should Lia say 8, since, technically, she’s know since she was 8 that Bruce Wayne is Batman, considering the whole parallel universe thing. Or, does she say 18, the age in which she arrived into this world? Now, that decision can prompt many things to happen. For one, if Lia says 8, Tim is gonna be so awestruck and also be dry curious. If 18, Tim is still amazed (that she knows at all). Either answer would also illicit this response: “...you’ve known for so long, yet never told anyone?” Lia shakes her head. “You guys have a secret identity for a reason. Plus, I’m not in the business of becoming a vigilante or whatever. I’ve tried my best to steer clear of all of that, in all honesty.” “Huh. Makes sense. Wait. Then... why did you start working at WE, if you knew our identities?” Lia stares at him like he’s grown three heads. “Dude. This is WE. One of the most powerful companies out there, why wouldn’t I work here? But, the ither fact of the matter is that I didn’t expect to become your fucking Executive Assistant. Like, I couldn’t just deny the offer, my mother would’ve disowned my ass the second she heard I turned down such a prestigious position.” Lia shuddered. “Fuck, I can hear her curse me out in like, five different languages.” Let’s also say, at one point or another, Lia’s mother arrives, and say, is the most terrifying person Tim has ever met (and Tim’s faced off against Ra’s al Ghul, a functionally immortal man with a fucking army of highly trained assassin at his disposal).

Lia is tame honest to god tame compared to her mother (if her mother is like, 5’3”, that’s even more hilarious tbh). Essentially, if Lia’s older and somehow become Executive Assistant to Tim (or Bruce, because, fuck canon) it would be so god damn funny (read “The Executive Assistant To Batman” in which Tim nene became Robin but still knows the identities of the various Gotham vigilantes. Oh, and, he’s the Executive Assistant to Batman. It’s so fucking hilarious and y’all gotta check it out. It’s on AO3).

Number 2, is a lot more light hearted compared to the moral deliemma of Number 1 (as, is Lia is the same age as Robin!Jason, and knows that he’s gonna die, but she also doesn’t want to get involved with the vigilantes presents a very large problem). Number 1 is great for angst and a character study for this OC. Number 2, is a more light hearted, fun scenario (as it avoids the can of worms called “Do I Warn the Bats of Robin!Jasons impending death or not because I honestly don’t want to get involved with the Bat.”.

I, personally, would love to read Number 2 (please make Lia, or whatever OC, a god damn Tired of Your Bullshit, amazing assistant to the CEO of WE, competent af and very, Very Tired of the Bats BS, and, PR is Going To Skin Me Alive and Roast Me Over A Flame). Maybe some drama, angst sprinkled in (there’s the blatant fact that, Lia is a completely different world. One that has superhero’s, aliens, magic and so, so much more. The fact that she’s in her doppelgänger’s body could cause some dissociation/body dysphoria and that sort of stuff. It’s a great opportunity for a character study for Lia/your OC).

Regardless of you choose 1 or 2, the basic premise is:

Some rando kid (or young adult, whichever strikes your fancy) who loves to read Batman/DC in general. Ends up in some weird ass accident that lands them in the DC universe, specifically Gotham. Everything about their pervious life and the life in his world is the same (or not, up to you), only difference is that there’s an alien powered by the Sun and that cannot he injured (unless it’s by a glowing green rock). They decide, pretty early on, that they want nothing to do with the vigilantes of Gotham (which also means they have to avoid the Wayne’s and Co, which should be ways right? Right?? Gotham is really big, I’ll probably only ever see them in passing, I’ll be fine—). But, the universe said, LOL, nope. And they end up befriending the Wayne’s somehow. The rest? Up to you. If they befriend Robin!Jason they have to cope with the moral deliemma of getting involved to save his life or not. Or, maybe this is the world where Dick is still Robin. Do we save Jason early on, or not? What about Tim? Cass? Stephanie? Or, what if, they end up in a world in which Jason died and came back, Bruce came back from being lost in the time stream and Damian is now Robin.

Essentially: OC ends up in the DC universe, specifically Gotham. Decided not to ever get in involved with the Vigilantes/Wayne’s. However, the universe said nope and they become friends with one of the Bats/Waynes regardless. Now, how the fuck do they cope?

BONUS: Lia manages to avoid the Wayne’s/Vigilantes of Gotham completely. How? She ends working for LexCorp. As Lex Luthors Executive Assistant (basically the same way as she became the Executive Assistant to Tim). Now, she has to cope with the fact that she works as the Executive Assistant for Lex fucking Luthor of all people. She can hear her mother shaking her head in Disappointment™️. She hates the universe. Also, Lex Luthor is pretty open about his Evil, Bastard Schemes with Lia for whatever reason (much to Lia’s utter fucking chargin). She discreetly sends info about these Evil, Bastard, Devious plans to the Bats. Cue her realizing that, to ensure Luthor doesn’t suspect her, she’s gotta get GOOD at hacking and computer science. And get good she does. Like, her utter fucking Done-ness over Luthors Supervillain ways and her wanted to never be found out by the Bats is like taken to Infinty in the 10 dial scale. Somehow, she manages to both avoid suspicion from Luthor (cue intense moments in which Luthor is talking to her, and he’s speaking in a weird direct way that makes Lia think he found out and she mentally plans for her subsequent “death” and fleeing of the country and when Luthor finishes his sentences it just him praising her or something else innocuous. Lia felt like the sun was lifted off her shoulders.) She’s always on edge. Her hair is slowly turning grey. Luthor notices and makes a comment and Lia simply laughs while making a underhand comment about how Luthors bald so he doesn’t need to deal with greying hairs. Lia stops laughing realizing oh shit I just insulted my boss in the most underhand way. What ghe fuck. But Luthor just laughs, much to Lia’s relief. Her hair is still greying from the stress. Anyways, she inadvertently becomes a techno vigilante that can rival the famed Oracle (let’s say, for the sake of this prompt, Lia’s code name is Reaper because she was drunk and apparently in the mind of her 13 year old self when she came up with it). Reaper’s name is slowly growing, as Lia does some other stuff with her new found skills in hacking. She mostly helps the Bats by giving them crucial info on Luthors dealings and the like.

One day, she realizes, that, oh shit. I became the one thing swore I’d never become. What type of Shakespearean shit is my life—

If someone does the situation in which Lia/their OC becomes Luthor Executive Assistant and then inadvertently becomes a Vigilante themselves because, sure, they don’t want to get involved, but, fuck Luthor and Eat the Rich. Also, I would love it if said fic included the most stress inducing scenes were it seems like Luthor found out about Lia and the whole Reaper situation but he actually DIDN’T and Lia is here like, sweating god damn bucks while her hair slowly falls out. Please. Write this shit. It would be

✨Immaculate✨

Anyways, hope you like this prompt/one shot because I damn well enjoyed writing it!

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vierafication · 4 years

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Last night around 4 am, I reblogged a certain post about "villainous rp" and added my own two cents to what had been discussed within it- mostly just venting about behavior I'd seen in the past. I didn't think much of it until I saw the next day it had been reblogged, and reblogged again, and again, by some folks who seemed pretty unhappy about what I'd said. I was told I needed to get a life, that I clearly can't separate IC and OOC, that maybe I shouldn't be writing at all. That hurt. I was irritated, then, feeling like I'd had words shoved in my mouth, like I was being purposefully misinterpreted. I typed up a clarification post explaining my previous points and pressed send, but it was seemingly ignored.

I talked with @damankjol about it later. He's the best, if you didn't know. And he rp's villains! I don't think he's a sociopath! He's very empathic and honest and understanding and cool, and he helped me realize that people weren't just angry at me, they were genuinely hurt by what I'd written. I went back and reread what I posted, as well as the responses, with a more critical eye. And... yeah. What I typed up wasn't clean, organized, or coordinated. I was venting and the tone that came off was irritated and rude. While not my intention, what I wrote sounded pretty fucking disrespectful and downright mean. And, frankly, my intentions don't matter, anyway, since I wasn't able to convey them properly. I just put some angry bullshit up on tumblr way too late at night, and I didn't expect anybody to even look at it, let alone reblog it- but I should have. Tumblr is a public platform and I should have approached my post the same way I'd approach any other one during the normal hours of the day. Thinking critically is always key, but audience is too- a vent post is a vent post, but I should have thought before I vented about a topic other people were sensitive to, and properly indicate specifics instead of vague generalizations. So, yes, I really wanted to apologize to anyone who that post hurt. I’m genuinely sorry. I should not have generalized like that. It wasn't even my intention in the first place. I was disrespectful and now that I think about it, incredibly hypocritical to boot. So yeah. I really am sorry. I respect @damankjol and @miqojak a lot as writers, and it would never be my intention to tear them down. Or anybody else, for that matter- rp only works when you rp with others, after all.

Once again, I'm sorry, and I hope you won't hate me for eternity or anything. Storytime and critical analysis under the cut.

One of my first, and worst, experiences in the ffxiv rp community was a good couple years ago. I was describing my character to a “friend,” and that character happened to be Lionnet Blodoint, my Ishgardian chirurgeon. Lionnet was not a good person by a long shot, to begin with, and from his time serving during the Dragonsong War, he’d developed quite a bit of PTSD relating to any and all things draconic. He hated dragons. He didn’t even like Au Ra. “Wow,” said the so-called friend at the time. “Your character is a nazi.”

“What? No!” I exclaimed. I tried to explain that he was NOT a nazi, he was just a traditionalist Ishgardian who hated dragons because they had been, at one point in time, absolutely hell-bent on destroying his home and everything he knew. I thought it was a pretty reasonable character trait to hate, or at least fear, dragons after serving in the Dragonsong War. The core of how I’d planned to develop him would be overcoming or at least coming to terms with his trauma, and no longer seeing it in every dragon or Au Ra he met. “No,” they said. “Your character is terribly written. They’re awful and nobody would ever want to rp with them. They’re boring because they’re so full of negative traits. They’re racist and thus, a nazi. And you are just as bad, because you’re defending them! You’re a nazi too!”

So yeah, they are NOT my friend anymore. But that whole convo really stuck with me, and I was afraid to bring out Lio afterwards- it took me another year before I actually began to use him in rp. And he turned out wonderful! His story became one of my favorite rp character stories of all time, and he had great relationship development and a happy ending. He’s still around, canonically, but I have a different main toon now.

So it shocks me that what that person told me about Lio is more or less the same as what I wrote in that post. I’m honestly dumbfounded at how I could just casually type that up and post it, when it draws so many parallels to the way I was bullied back then. So yeah. Huge hypocrisy right there. I swore to never act like that. And to an extent, I suppose I have. But that post I made was pretty fucking close- just directed at a vaguely generalized audience instead of a singular person and character. Maybe that’s actually worse. And I am sorry. I guess because it wasn’t directed at anyone but the void (even the op’s url doesn’t exist anymore), I just didn’t think about it. Which sounds like a lame-ass excuse, but... it’s true. I just wasn’t thinking. I was just venting. It’s really fucking with me that I could’ve hurt somebody so much completely unintentionally, to be honest.

So, what did I say- or, to be more clear, what was I attempting to say? What was my intention, and what wasn’t? I’m going to go over that now, more for my benefit than anyone else’s. Please note that I am not trying to make excuses or shove any blame elsewhere. I am just trying to clarify what I meant and address the issues that made my post so negative, for my own sake.

To begin, I’m gonna link this post by @lilac-memorials. It goes into detail about the trouble with “villain” discourse, and addresses a number of issues from a much more unbiased standpoint, far more eloquently than I could. Also, it seems to reference (the worse) parts of my posts at some points, or maybe I’m just paranoid. Regardless, it’s a much better post than the trainwreck that was the original one, and I agree with every bit of it. It also addresses the difference between a “villain” and an “antagonist,” which is something I attempted to go into but failed miserably.

Anyhoo. My post began with this paragraph:

Seriously. I do not trust anyone who refers to themselves as a “villain” rper. A character can take an antagonistic role in another character’s story arc, that’s fine, that works. It goes back to the “everyone is the hero of their own story” sorta thing. But playing a villain, only as a villain… what’s the point in that? It’s just someone roleplaying as an evil asshole that expects to be treated as stronger than other characters, expects to be feared. It reads like some twisted power fantasy. It doesn’t sound fun and it sure isn’t fun for the people rping with you. Like dude, calm down.

To begin with, yes, I am indeed a little distrustful of people who label their characters first and foremost as villains, before anything else. I am more suspicious of engaging in rp with them than I am with other types of characters, because I have seen some pretty crappy villains out and about and I just don’t wanna deal with that. Next, I go on to try to draw the line between a villain and an antagonist, and how I am much less suspicious of “antagonistic” characters than straight-up “villain” characters. “But playing a villain, only as a villain... what’s the point in that?” I ask. Very rudely. Insinuating that their is no point whatsoever in playing a villain. Which I didn’t intend to. But honestly, I don’t know how else that would’ve translated- I don’t know what I was thinking. I go on to describe this “villain” as somebody who is an evil asshole with a power fantasy, and how it ruins fun for anybody. Which can be read very easily as saying “all villains are like this.” No, they are not! I was describing the bad type of villain rper. The rper who “plays a villain, only as a villain,” and not as a character. Do you get what I mean now? The controlling, toxic, power-hungry rper that plays a villain as an outlet to be further controlling, toxic, and power-hungry, moreso than they ever could in reality. We all know that type of person exists. We’ve met them, somewhere. Sometimes they aren’t playing the villain at all, anyway. They’re playing the hero, or somebody else entirely. But here, I am just venting about that type of person. They are what my post is about. The key line should’ve been “playing a villain, only as a villain,” but it was shoved into a passive-aggressive question addressing self-worth instead of a proper sentence describing the difference between a well-written villain and a badly-written villain. And thus the post begins as if it had been rudely addressed to all villain rpers everywhere, labeling them as the evil asshole with a power fantasy, instead.

Next is: Anyway hot take but maybe the reason people kept trying to “redeem” and “change” OP’s character is because their character is boring af!

Yeahhhh, that one’s just mean. And, given the first paragraph, easily able to seen as an attack saying that if you are a villain rper, your character is boring af. They’re not! The op’s post is a little much, to be honest, and I guess I thought I was feeling spicy at 4 am. Now I think I must’ve just been being mean. Aurelia explains what’s wrong with the initial post here, though, instead of trying and failing to poke fun at it in that special pseudo-mean tumblr way like I did.

Lastly, Like, honestly! Play a character as a foil to another, play to fucked up ideas about morality, play an antagonist arc to a protagonist character, play a character who makes bad decisions. But don’t play a “villain.” Don’t play a character whose core personality traits are simply being cruel/evil. Don’t play a character whose sole focus is to kill npcs, be scary, and lord over other players’ characters. Don’t play a character who never develops or changes, and doesn’t facilitate change in other characters. Just don’t be an asshole edgelord. Don’t be flat and one dimensional. Don’t use rp to live out your fucked up power fantasy. Get therapy instead.

Honestly, I think this is the most clear part of my entire post, and also the worst, at the end there. I just am listing off behaviors that this figurative “bad villain rper” exhibits, and what offsets them. Play a villain that’s complex, had depth, nuance! I’m saying don’t play the “villain,” and then listing off what this specific hypothetical villain is. The opposite of deep and nuanced. The “bad villain rper” type the whole post is a vent about.

Then comes the dreaded “ Don’t use rp to live out your fucked up power fantasy. Get therapy instead. “ The villainous power fantasy. No, I do not think everyone who rp’s villains is like this. Yes, I believe there are people like this, who are INCREDIBLY few and far between, and if they solely use rp as an outlet to harass others both ICly and OOCly, that is bad! And maybe they should get help! And even, then, that was only half-serious! But therapy is a serious subject and I should have known better, and done better. Did all of that come off as intended? Hell no! Instead, it was the final nail in the coffin.

So! That’s what I was trying to say. Badly-written villains are a pain. If I had written up a post like I am now, with this long-ass thing, actually trying to be eloquent and clear. Not 4 am word vomit. This 4 am word vomit instead has gotten me to be read and interpreted as:

-being completely unable to separate character and player to the point where i think every villain’s player is a Real Life Bad Person and/or needs mental help

-saying all villains are boring because they’re not heroes, and thus are incapable of being complex and nuanced

-saying people who play dark/antagonistic characters are, in general, living out their fucked up power fantasy through them

-thinking that villainous characters are incredibly boring and just plain terrible

No! None of that is what I think! Absolutely none! I’m not going to go in and refute each of those claims, because, like I said, I’m not trying to make excuses here. But I WILL end this thing with what I do think of villainous characters and their players:

They’re fucking great, okay? A good story is made a gazillion times better by having a good villain in it, be the story a book, a movie, or an rp scenario. Well-written villain rpers are a TREASURE, and need to be appreciated! It is often harder to find rp with antagonistic toons, to begin with, and their players may find themselves getting shit on more often than others, which should absolutely not be the case. Characters that are complex and deep and nuanced are great no matter what their alignment is.

There ARE some pretty shitty villain rpers out there, too. And, in my own personal experience, they tend to be much more obnoxious than shitty hero rpers. A badly written hero will ruin a villain’s rp. A badly written villain may well try to ruin everybody around them’s rp.

Badly written villains suck. They’re the worst. And they make things worse for those that dedicate a lot of time and effort to crafting complex and cleverly written, compelling villains! Badly written villains are something I can and will complain about, just as well-written villains are something that I can and will praise. But I’ll try not to complain or vent on this platform anymore, to start.

And I do NOT blend IC and OOC. That’s the rper’s taboo! I will critique others who do it, though, which ironically is what I was sort of trying to do- complain about those specific villain players who do that. But anyway. If you’ve read this far, good for you! This has been way too long.

And. Please. If I do say or do something that hurts you in the future, regardless of what type of post it is, talk to me! Tell me what’s up! Thank you!

#THIS IS A LONG ASS POST U HAVE BEEN WARNED #u dont need to read all of the rest if u dont want to #in fact u dont need to read it at all if u don't know what post im referring to anyway

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nancydrew65 · 5 years

Text

SKAM Austin Season 2 Episode 2 Thoughts

Thirsty

This scene with the girls on the porch is so cute. They are laughing and teasing each other. Also, I love that they are all making signs for a gun control march because that is a very big issue in the United States right now. I’m glad SKAM Austin included it.

Jo’s sign was probably the best, just saying. Who doesn’t want more cupcakes and less guns in this world?

Ugh, Daniel couldn’t even keep up his lie. He is really just toying with Kelsey now.

Also, Jo, probably not a good idea to come up with excuses for Daniel’s shitty behavior. That just keeps Kelsey thinking he’s a good guy. But the excuses are pretty funny. I kind of want a scene where Daniel gets peed on.

How the hell are group selfies “thirsty”? Also, are we still using the word “thirsty?

Grace is like: “Why do we care what guys think?” And I’m like, yes girl

Tyler’s post is so passive aggressive. Why does he have to be such an asshole to Megan. I really don’t understand.

We Want It

I’m sorry, but are y’all trying to tell me Marlon has the same amount of game that Jonas from OG did? That he made a girl come? Nah.

Megan is trying so hard not TGAF.

It’s kind of sad that most of the girl’s seem uncomfortable and afraid of guys going down on them. They should value their sexual pleasure as high as their partners.

Oh, Megan really wants to get back with Marlon. Nooo, he treated her so badly. I don’t get why she’s so into him.

And Grace shoots a look to Daniel when Megan says “We want it.” Not so subtle.

Legit Scared

Aww, Grace offers Kelsey her burrito. Kelsey’s says she’s allergic to carbs. That is not a thing, just saying.

And Daniel keeps texting Grace about tacos. I have to admit, he has got the puppy eyes down.

I love how the girls are trying to hype Kelsey up. I hope it works.

Oh, Kelsey, honey. Her little speech broke my heart. You are everything!

WTF???? Okay, what was that scene with that Hunter dude? Did he really ask Zoya if she had hair under her hijab?

Zoya’s response was fire. But, then she started giving him eyes and he offered her a seat in Chemistry class. I am so confused. Is that their little inside joke or something? Because after the initial shock, she didn’t really seem angry at him. But if he said something like that to her out of nowhere, then he’s an asshole. I really do not have time for William wannabes.

Zoya’s deadpan “I can only date men who are in ISIS” was so on point.

Lame AF

Grace uses the paper as an excuse to miss the girls’ Friday night party. Girl, just ditch Daniel instead.

MEGAN!!!! I can’t believe she just texted that. It was revealed later, she meant to send it to the other girls, but still. That was really harsh. Grace has been there for you, for over a year. I don’t think any of the other versions of Eva would have ever written this. Honestly, I don’t even know the point of it. Megan knows about Daniel; Grace could have told her about the date deal.

Potential

Kelsey’s speech really resonated with me. In high school, there is so much pressure to do well, take hard classes, do a bunch of extracurriculars or else you will not get into a good college. I really don’t think its a healthy environment for teenagers.

As clueless as it was, I thought Kelsey telling Grace she would support her if she was a lesbian was really sweet.

Oooh, the shot of Grace and Megan joking about lesbians being in love with Megan cutting to Shay was shocking. And very uncomfortable. Shay probably thought they knew about her crush on Megan and were making fun of her. She just slams her locker and runs off. Oh, Shay. I can’t wait until she gets her season.

Not A Date

Eve is like, “you deserve to be taken out and treated well”. Well, yes, but Daniel will obviously not treat her well.

I love that Grace changed into sweatpants and a hoodie and wiped off all her make-up. This is the most a Noora has done to off-put a William.

Daniel telling Grace she looks beautiful was a bit cringey IMO.

Oh, I do think it’s cute he took her out to watch bats, something she clearly likes.

When they were talking about Grace’s article, I was like, “But did he actually read it?” And even if he did, like it does not take much time to read an article.

Lol, Daniel is shocked that women still get paid less than men. Such a shocker. I guess he really is drowning in white male privilege.

Daniel being like “there’s no patriarchy or misogyny out here”. I was about to say, “Yeah, there is. You.” But Grace did it for me, so it was all good.

Okay, but I don't think Grace has been a dick to Daniel. He was such an asshole to Kelsey, that all her responses toward him seem understandable.

Aaaaaaaaaaaah. Hold up. Did Daniel really just say he didn’t force Grace to come on a date with him?

Okay, here would be my response if I were Grace:

“WTF? Okay, maybe you didn’t physically force me to come here, but you did pressure me. Constantly. Also, you manipulated me by using Kelsey until I agreed to go. You have been constantly toying with her feelings. That proves that you don’t respect her, and in turn, that means you don’t respect me. Because Kelsey is my friend and I care about her and her well-being. I didn’t want to tell her about this because she would be hurt that you’ve been texting me. But I realize now that her realizing you are an asshole is more important than her not being hurt. I came here, I spent time with you. Our deal is done. Bye, asshole.”

Seriously, has any version of William been this blatantly hypocritical?

I am glad that Grace got her little speech. I am upset, how both she and Daniel started laughing and the tension diffused after he pointed out she had food in her teeth.

I mean, she literally just told you Kelsey has been starving herself for you, and then you’re just gonna laugh it off because of a piece of kale was in an awkward spot? Daniel.

Then, Daniel gets the phone call and he leaves and the episode is over.

General Thoughts

Daniel is such an asshole in the date scene. I don’t know if I have ever been as pissed off with a version of William as I was when I watched this. The only positive side to the scene was that we didn’t get the whole “One sentence can’t destroy someone’s self-esteem. I really liked that SKAM Austin worked in gun control into the story. I am also very worried about Kelsey.

#skam remakes #skam austin #skam reaction

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tibbygetsrekt · 5 years

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GIVE US YOU AND HANNIBAL!!!!!

thank you @nougatships for sending this in!!! I had to put it under a readmore because it just... it got long skdjafdsad

Send me a ship and I’ll answer:

Gives nose/forehead kisses:

Gets jealous the most:

Takes care of on sick days:

Drags the other person out into the water on beach day:

Brings the other lunch at work:

Tries to start role-playing in bed:

Embarrassingly drunk dancer:

Firmly believes in couples costumes:

Breaks the expensive gift rule during Christmas:

Makes the other eat breakfast:

Remembers anniversaries:

Brings up having kids first:

Kills the bugs:

First to define them as a couple:

Who hides their guilty pleasures longer:

Snorts while laughing:

Gives nose/forehead kisses: Hannibal gives forehead kisses because it always makes me smile even when my mind is going a million miles a minute. but i def kiss the bridge of his nose just to watch it wrinkle because he says he thinks it’s ridiculous even though he never stops me from doing it

Gets jealous the most: hands down Hannibal. he can be very high maintenance emotionally tbh, but he’s also very attentive in return so it balances out. not paying attention to, or not spending a lot of time with Hannibal can lead to these weird and kind of passive-aggressive lashings out. like dinner at nine instead of seven, and all the things in the bathroom are rearranged or there’s not enough coffee for a full cup. just tiny small petty things idk what to tell you it’s fucking cute. like he can get really butthurt if i don’t appreciate his clever subtle humor but laugh at something crass instead.

Takes care of on sick days: I get sick once in a blue moon and then i sleep it off and pretend it doesn’t exist. Hannibal will work through his sickness and get worse until he’s miserable and curled up on the couch with a blanket. which means lots of cuddles for the “sleepy but def not sick” cannibal, and running back and forth from the kitchen for things for him to nibble on or drink

Drags the other person out into the water on beach day: Bitch me! I love the ocean so much. And yes i realize how gross the water can be but i gotta fight Poseidon okay? and Hannibal gets dragged out to be ridiculous with me. Though it’s mostly him standing there arms crossed trying to keep his balance while i act like a giant six-year-old.

Brings the other lunch at work: Neither? My work is my space, and Hannibal’s usually in places i can’t go. But occasionally i wake up and there’s lunch for me to take to work with a note neatly pinned to the bag. How the frick does anyone write that pretty?? and consistently omg...Tries to start role-playing in bed: Hannibal, I’m... Listen I’ve got a very active imagination, but Hannibal is a whole other breed, and he occasionally “goes through” (see: I leave it out if he wants to) my writing and will surprise attack me when i’m not expecting it with things i’ve written down. sometimes it’s just silly little things, and sometimes it’s whole scenarios that intrigue me. And if he has his interest piqued well... :: cough! ::Embarrassingly drunk dancer: Neither, one because Hannibal doesn’t allow himself to get that drunk, two this man dances like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers had a baby, who then had a child with Gene Kelly and Rita Hayworth’s kid... and I don’t really dance at all, and it’s hard for me to get drunk i metabolize it too quickly

Firmly believes in couples costumes: I like the funny ones, but Hannibal with his dinner parties and such will go all out even if no one else realizes how much effort he put into our matching while still looking individual. Like a pin to hold my thick af hair back, will match a colour in his tie, or the colour of my slacks will match the pocket square in his jacket pocket

Breaks the expensive gift rule during Christmas: We’re both bad about this, tbh. Hannibal knows i didn’t get to really celebrate the holiday’s as a kid so he will occasionally overdo it and leave me sitting amongst wrapping paper for a ton of boxes that are all technically one gift because they tie in together. but i’m just as bad because i finally get to celebrate Yule as an adult and i go ALL OUT on getting him the perfect present which i have to save up for all year. because he’s got really good taste, and mine is kind of shitty, so... i just kind of go ham on a new wardrobe of suits after bribing/blackmailing his tailor for his size

Makes the other eat breakfast: Hannibal makes me eat breakfast, i am infamous for a pot of coffee and maybe a glass of water for breakfast because i don’t like eating. but he’ll make me small things or even a whole breakfast then distract me by talking while i absently munch on whatever/whoever he’s cooked.

Remembers anniversaries: i have an iphone. like that is the level i have to go to to remember any anniversaries, but Hannibal can remember the smallest detail that made him happy and will celebrate it even if i don’t know that it’s an anniversary ??? like the first time i genuinely made him laugh is an anniversary he celebrates, and it’s just?? too fucking cute??? like they’re not all that ridiculously sappy, but still!

Brings up having kids first: Me. As i ask for ferrets, or snakes, or both! neither of us are huge on the having kids thing for a lot of reasons, but adopting is prolly a better idea in the long runKills the bugs: After hearing about how i vanquished a wasp’s nest from the front porch as a child with a can of spray wood glue and a lighter, Hannibal does not allow me to know there are bugs in the house at all.

First to define them as a couple: an outsider, who then got an odd look from us both because putting a label on it hadn’t even occurred to us up until that point. we just were, and that was okay. of course, after this, i teased and poked at Hannibal for DAYS because i have ZERO self-preservation...Who hides their guilty pleasures longer: me. like Hannibal has is, but he sometimes also likes flaunting his guilty pleasures just to get a reaction. i, on the other hand, will suppress and hide that shit until my dying day unless outed on accident.

Snorts while laughing: I cackle, which does not lend to snorting, but Hannibal does on a very, VERY rare occasion and it is my life’s mission to record it happening for posterity’s sake

#oof this is late af #but i didn't get home until LATE #and then watched one (1) episode of one/piece before passing out #( dancing under gas lights )#nougatships

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tellywoodtrash · 6 years

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status update:

So, I got a few friendly, good-natured asks on how I was doing, and what’s up with my life (work, Chandler, etc.), so I suppose this is as good a time to tell everyone: I quit my job earlier this week.

Early followers of the blog may be aware that this blog started as an attempt to find some kinda peace during some very trying times in my life. Since then, I’ve been burning the candle at both ends (I guess, in some kinda misguided attempt to move on with life) and... it’s finally caught up with me. I’m fucking exhausted and at a breaking point. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. ('Spiritually. Ecumenically. Grammatically.' Name that movie!) And so, I'm giving myself a break and am going to be taking some time off to focus on my mental health.

However, this hasn’t been an easy decision to make, as it means bye-bye financial independence and my ~~riproaring Sex And The City life (snort, NOT) and that I will now have to pack up my entire life and leave the country I (and Chandler!) call home. So the next few days will be even rougher; full of transition and second-guessing myself. But in the long run, I think I need to do this now before things get much worse.

Poor Chandler has no idea what’s coming up; that he’s about to be unceremoniously stuffed into a box and flown many thousand miles to a whole new country, with strange new smells and creatures (including my relatives who will want to come around every now and then and friendly-ly harass our socially anxious butts.) I just hope we both survive this move!

As for what it means for the blog, it’ll mostly be business as usual, I suppose. I will have more free time, but it’s going to be invested in moving, and settling in, and recovery (first I have to recover from the moving and settling in, and only then can I focus on *actual* recovery) so... I’ll do as much as I can. Yes, there's lots of new shows, most of them better than IB, and I might wanna watch them too, but.... idk, I don't seem to have it in me right now to get invested in a whole... new.... thing. We'll see once I'm properly settled into a restful routine where I don't feel so battered in the brain. On the plus side, moving to India means proper access to Hotstar and Sony Liv and alllllllll the platforms; I won’t have to jump through hoops and diddle around with VPNs to access what I wanna watch! Yaaaaaaay!

There are a few things blog-wise that I just have to address though, because they’re srsly stressing me out a lot lately:

Messages asking me to explain WHY stakeholders in the industry (actors, makers, the channel) make the decisions they do. Bhai main kahan un sab ke ghar ya boardroom mein ghussi baithi hoon, ki mujhe pakka pata hoga???? All I can do is speculate like the rest of you. Which is what I do. I look at the facts that I do have (social media posts, TRP reports, etc.) and put out MY theory. But it’s all it is. A theory. I do not have any kind of information that you also do not have access to. Asking me to explain the inner workings of complete strangers' minds is just nonsensical. I do not have the complete information based on which I can give you an accurate answer. So please just stop asking me these. At this point, idek why *I* do half the things I do, let alone have any surety of anyone else’s decisions.

Complaints. Look, all of us have complaints about the shitshow that is IB, and the Tellywood industry at large, and its affairs both off-screen and on-screen. But just think of my plight when news breaks/an episode airs and I get like 10 anons in an hour, most of which are filled with cribbing. OVER SOMETHING I DON’T HAVE ANY CONTROL. You have all the right to complain, sure, but not IN MY INBOX. I only publish about 30 - 40% of the asks that I actually do receive, and because of that you may think that you’re the only person sending in this to me; but trust that more often that not, you’re not. I most probably have already received least 5 messages about it, in varying degrees of negative, and it’s exhaaaaaausting for me to wade through it all.

"Asks” that are just STATEMENTS, with no real question to them. I get these and whether I agree with your statement or not, my only reaction is “.... haan, toh???” What really is the point of these? I have nothing to contribute to them. It’s just YOU deciding that your opinion is sooooooo important that you must come tell ME it. In my inbox. On anon. Which is not just stupid, but also RUDE af. What you're doing is the equivalent of going and ringing the doorbell of a stranger's house and monologuing in their face about a random topic when they open the door. Like, I literally did not ask?????? Especially since you’re on anon and I have absolutely no personal equation with you. By having an open inbox, I didn't consent to being the receptacle of every opinion wrt Tellywood under the sun. Like, the whole point of this blog is so I can shout MY dumbass opinions into the void that is the internet without bothering anyone else about things they might not care about/agree with. Anyone who follows/engages with me is here by THEIR choice. Why don’t you do the same? Go make your own blog, instead of using mine. There’s only place for one person here on this blog, and that’s me. Please read your messages before sending them and ask yourselves: Does my tone/content leave anything open for discussion? (FYI: Just putting a question mark at the end of a sentence does not make an engaging question that opens up a discussion.) What contribution am I inviting from the recipient with this message? If the answer is “no”/"nothing", then please don't send it.

The rise of combative and contrary asks; ones that don't come out of a genuine curiosity, but with the intent to mindlessly argue, talk in circles without a point and overall, and just belittle the opinions I’ve expressed by engaging in whataboutery. There's a point at which "healthy discussion" ends, and "debating" starts, and I’m not here to engage in Debate Hour. The open askbox (or replies function) is NOT an invitation to pick at ONE sentence of some post (often missing the context; those other sentences are there for a reason y'know) and demand explanations from me, for which I have to then bend over backwards to clarify to some random faceless person on the internet. Not only does it take tremendous amounts of time and energy (for what is largely a pointless endevour: these people aren't really here to have an exchange of ideas or even try to see my point of view, they're just trying to force THEIR contrary opinion ON me), it really sucks the joy out of the blog for me. Look, I am not an idiot. I can correlate writing patterns and associate them with previously seen comments/opinions and make educated guesses on who these may be coming from. I've been holding off on blocking anyone yet, but these comments and asks have me seriously considering it. (And FYI: blocking an anon blocks you via IP address. So don't think ki 'oh ho ho, I can just hide under the anon function, coz that has no consequences.' All you'd be doing is proving my guesses right, as to who is whom.) I don't WANT TO go to such extents, and want this still to be a place where people can approach me, but this gross disrespect of my time and boundaries is beginning to wear on me now. Before coming at me, please think to yourself if what you're saying is actually necessary. If it's just a passive-aggressive counter-argument to my opinion that's all conjecture/opinion (i. e. things without factual basis and based on feelings) then please; you're very welcome to whatever you believe, but I don't care. If I wanted your opinion, I’d ask for it. If I care for your opinion, I will engage with your posts (by liking or commenting or reblogging or sending you my love in your inbox.) I just really really don’t care what anyone's opinion ON MY OPINION is. Please stop being contrary just the sake of it and ruining my day and mood. Go chronicle your opinions on your blog/twitter/whatever, instead of using MY blog as a platform and arm-twisting me into participating in this unpleasant exchange. I just don't have have the energy or interest to engage in this fuckery anymore.

Look you guys, I love getting stuff in the askbox. I do. If I didn’t, I’d just have closed the askbox and called it a day. I’m just asking that you be a little THOUGHTFUL about the recipient, me, AS AN ACTUAL LIVING PERSON WITH FEELINGS AND A LIMITED AMOUNT OF ENERGY AND TIME, instead of some kinda faceless robot who just processes your messages in binary and spits out an answer. Before engaging, please re-read your message to consider your tone and content and the impact on the person on the other end. Despite this request, if you just decide to engage in the above mentioned ways, I’m sorry in advance if you end up getting blocked; but things have reached a point where I have to look out for myself, and my comfort, and what I want from this space. I would like this blog to be source of joy in my (and others’!) life, not something that I feel resentful about, or as a source of draining what little energy I have left.

Sooooooo, that’s how it is! Things should be the same around here barring some periods of inactivity occasionally due to moving/spotty internet (but the queue should be running anyway.) A lot less negativity and gloom, hopefully! Wish me (and Chandler!!!!!) luck and please send us all your good, restful, soft and fluffy vibes!

(The restful slumber of a poor fluffy bastard who has NOOOOOOOOO idea of what the next few weeks have in store for him.)

#status update

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honeybeecomebuzzingme · 4 years

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So I'm going to jam for a minute. You know that I love to ramble.

Last week my ex fiancé sent me a notification on WhatsApp about a parcel and I thought "He's finally sending me my stuff back!"

Today I woke up and we'd missed a parcel delivery and my dad was confused. It was too early for me to do anything about it and I had to get ready for work.

In the afternoon during work I had to really focus because my ex had sent me some bizarre messages that seemed to reek of dramatic passive aggressive behaviour. I was anxious af!

After work I went for a walk and started to cry openly about the whole situation for what feels like the millionth time. I felt tricked.

Here I am thinking he'd finally done this thing I'd asked him over and over again to do...

Yesterday I was anxious as heck as well. Even though everything is going well for me I still have this habit of deleting messages and punishing myself for wanting to be able to love again.

I don't know what he's hoping for, personally I think it's past the point where we are going to be friends, there's no longer a basis to rebuild the same way as before... He's tormented me enough!

It hurts my soul it does.

This is another demon preventing me from accepting myself. I could wax lyrically about it for hours but I must move on! I need to assume there's no point in trying to go down the route of repairing and trying to get closure. I have other things to consider.

I'm worried about work. I can no longer afford to be lackadaisical. I really have to accept that I need some time off to regenerate or risk possibly hindering myself further in my performance.

It's not healthy to pretend that I can "Keep Calm and Carry On" it's not going to turn out well if I never take the time to relax. I'll burnout again in no time.

There's something else I want to talk about but I'll save that for another night.....

In summary for some reason my ex fiancé sent me a book that I'd said I wanted in a passing conversation. Something I'd planned on buying for myself eventually but not a big deal and certainly not as important as the other sentimental things like my mum's picture......

#deep thoughts #ramblings #unrequited thoughts #self deprecating humor #sleep deprivation #depressingconfessions #depression and anxiety #hell hath no fury like a woman scorned #scorned #self healing #self care

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sixmorningsafter · 7 years

Text

76 Theses

Oh hey there, Gabi. Long time no see. Hope your summer is going well as if I don’t already know because I follow you on Instagram, and I hope your med school prep isn’t destroying you I’m going to grad school in the fall, so girl I can only imagine. EDIT: GIRL HOW DID YOU POST A CHAPTER TWO DAYS BEFORE YOU MOVED AND STARTED OVER IN ANOTHER PLACE FOR FREAKIN’ MED SCHOOL

LMAOOOO FWIW I didn’t start over, I literally moved like 30 minutes away (and my family did a solid 75% of the work because what are big over-involved Puerto Rican families for). Summer was GLORIOUS. And 6 months ago, loooooool, I’M THE WORST. But you’re the best. This review is the best. Hope you’re crushing grad school (I know you are instinctively but I also know you are because I’ve talked to you about it and despite your humble nonsense I can tell you’re killin’ it). ANYWAY, diving on in to this literary masterpiece of a review:

Anyways, let me start by saying, literally every time you post a new chapter, I think “I’m ready, let’s go”. But literally, every time I read a new chapter, I am not ready, and you slay me every single freakin’ time. Dude, I have no clue how you do it, but every time, I die. Any more deaths, and I’d be a freakin’ Winchester.

A/N: looooool that’s incredible because every time I post a new chapter I think ‘this is it, this is where everyone realizes I don’t actually know how to write, it’s been fun’. But in all seriousness, girl, the fact that you make a point to send reviews after every chapter and go into detail like this is just–like honestly it’s reason enough to crank out 30K words of my bullshit. Not even kidding. If literally no one but you read this story I’d still write it because getting your hilarious whip-smart reviews are life. It’s so appreciated. It’s so appreciated.

Off the bat, while you may believe this is a “filler” chapter, it is a damn good filler I wish I could write filler chapters as nicely and uniquely wtf. If you meant filler as in full of wonderful delightfulness, then yas girl this is the filler-est of filler chapters. Because if you meant this is some fluff piece that has nothing of substance, if you thought for once second that we aren’t thriving off the Bamon drama of the Steroline giggles, we’d all have to chase you out of town good thing you’re already moving.

This chapter is amazing, and on a personal spiritual level, I still can not get over your similes. I know that sounds silly and amateur, but while you’re hella awesome at metaphors, your similes, dude, are unique af, and every single time I write something that barely resembles something you’ve written, I’m staring at my screen like what the actual fuck is the nonsense? Sooooo, rest assured, this chapter is awesome (to be explained in great detail), and you’re awesome too (also to be explained in greater detail).

LMAOOOOO CASSIE I HAD TO LOOK UP WHAT A FUCKING SIMILE WAS HELP ME WHY AM I HERE. But DUDE, I actually have some words to say about this, the first ones being - GAH. Thanks so, so much love. I’m beaming. The second ones being - I ALWAYS think they’re weird when I write them. Seriously. Like that feeling you said you get when you try getting creative with a description is the exact same one I get -ROLL WITH IT. I had to learn that by just sucking it up and posting shit with unusual descriptions and then seeing what kind of feedback I got for it (which tbh makes it sound like I’ve been doing it for a while lololol but I actually just recently started challenging myself to get more creative with my descriptions for things). It actually came from constantly reading writing with cool imagery (Six of Crows was a great one!) and realizing that they never fell back on tired/common metaphors. They always used something unique (Kaz’s voice being like dry leaves scattering across pavement or w/e? Lmao you know how I felt about the constant descriptions of Kaz’s voice but I loved that one). I’m clearly nowhere near that level but I’ve definitely taken to stopping a few times while writing and going, ‘Wait. This is a chance to come up with something cool. Slow down. Do better.’ Cause tbh I have no instinct for it. I don’t think in creative metaphors or similes or whatever. But if I labor over it for a minute or two I can maybe come up with something, so yeah, THE POINT OF ALL THIS BEING - it probably sounds a lot better to a reader than it will to you. They feel and read unnaturally to me because they don’t come naturally to me, lol, but the people reading probs don’t know that so trust yourself! Do it! Knowing you and your talent they’re probably incredible.

Okay, so, in an attempt not to be mundane, let’s go through this fav line by fav line please forgive me if I just rewrite the whole chapter because ff.net doesn’t let you copy/paste

“She remembered feeling alarmed, a little helpless, like a plastic bag caught in the middle of a hurricane” (us FL girls can spot one another from miles away) (but also???? great simile). Poor Damon, but also poor Bonnie. This girl is just tryna help—it’s the core of her being, tbh—and this boy is too proud. Not like proud-proud, but that oh-shit-I’m-exposed proud. You know. A/N: AMERICAN BEAUTY REFERENCE WHADDUP. Lol I was channeling that plastic bag shot at the end of the movie. Granted there’s no hurricane in that but you know, us Florida girls put hurricanes into everything. And yeah, that’s a great read on Damon. His pride/confidence is something he uses as a shield more than anything, which isn’t to say it’s fake exactly, but more so something he relies on to stay detached and not really have to deal with things. It’s easy for him to be like ‘world sucks, I don’t care’. Anytime anyone sees below that confidence/armor, though, it’s really destabilizing for him because it makes the reality of his fears/anxieties harder to ignore, ya know?

Kai calling out “Friends?” is the most relatable thing. He’s a murdery little bean.

“And sure, maybe she’s being a giant, hypocritical pot to his doesn’t-deal-with-childhood-trauma kettle…” Yes girl, these lines are really awesome. Also, I like how Bonnie recognizes the cycle right away. She’s like ‘been there done that broseph’.

“Do you have any pop tarts?” this girl asks. Lol when you stress eat. Btw, we never find out if she got them??? I need answers???? I feel like Kai could 3D print pop tarts if he needed to.

“Toodles”: I had a friend (loose usage of the term) in hs who used to say that, for real, and it’s funny ‘cause she was this gossipy diva (Bekah?) and reading this just sent me back. Also, toodles is such a passive-aggressive thing to say, especially for Care. I don’t think toodles has ever been said without the backing vocal of ‘I hate you please die’.

“… the prospect of going through the whole song and dance made her bones ache, it was so tiring.” FINALLY, CAROLINE, YOU’RE FREE OF THE CURSE I can tell not really, but, at least, we’re getting through some of that warding doe. RIGHT!? Lol I was excited to put that bit in because it was sort of my attempted nod to everyone reading that it was okay (actually encouraged!) to feel frustrated with Caroline’s constant mood swings because she herself hated them. They weren’t meant to be read as a some ‘fascinating complicated girl’ thing, you know? I feel like a lot of shows (esp. with male writers) like to write these female characters that are difficult and volatile for the sake of being ‘interesting’ and I kind of wanted everyone to know that I wasn’t going for that. Caroline’s coming from a place of fear. She knows what she’s doing isn’t fair. She knows it’s angering and more trouble than it’s worth. And even more than that, she hates it just as much as everyone else does, and by the time we hit chapter 16, she’s finally too drained to listen to that frantic instinct to self-preserve. She just throws caution to the wind and lets it go. It’s still scary for her but what can you do. But you’re right, she’s getting there!

***Side Note*** when is Tyler gonna be a thing, I need some sma Tyler in my life rn Me toooooooo he’s my husband. He should be popping in for 18 or 19!

Stefan’s recap of what happened, “you planned the homecoming dance at the same time as the football game”/”False” is great. I really love your back-and-forth dialogue, like always, ‘cause it’s natural and it’s funny as hell. Idk, when I write it (or sometimes when I read other people’s), it doesn’t have that same fast pace hilarity. Maybe that’s just me. It’s definitely just you cause I’ve read your dialogue and it’s hilarious, but one thing I’ve found that super speeds up dialogue is removing the dialogue tags. Seriously. Makes a world of difference. Like I don’t think it’s even possible to write an extended snappy exchange with dialogue tags tbh, cause your mind will just naturally slow it down to read the description. Half the time I go back to edit, I’m just removing unnecessary dialogue tags or descriptions that felt needed at the time. It helps if you can pick dialogue that sort of speaks for itself in terms of how it’s said, too (and realizing that once you’ve set the tone of a conversation, you really don’t need to keep re-emphasizing that tone - it really only needs to be addressed if there’s a shift imo). Also, I’ve kind of found that leaving out subjects can both make dialogue sound way more natural and also speed it up. Like even in the example you used below: “You’re ridiculous”/ “Effective” / “Terrifying”/ “Productive”/ “And impressive as hell” it wouldn’t read the same if it was: “You’re ridiculous.” “I’m effective.” “You’re terrifying.” “I’m productive.” “And you’re impressive as hell.” See how it slows it down? And throw in dialogue tags and it’s even slower. “You’re ridiculous,” he said. “I’m effective,” I countered. “You’re terrifying,” he replied. “I’m productive,” I quipped. “And you’re impressive as hell,” he concluded. To me that just completely changes the speed/flow. So yeah, there’s my unsolicited advice on snappy dialogue, lolololol.

Caroline’s interjection: “Systematic overview” lol

“You’re ridiculous”/ “Effective” / “Terrifying”/ “Productive”/ “And impressive as hell”—ooooo, Stefan! Your heart-eyes are showing!

***Side Note*** so, uh, are we ever gonna find out what Stefan allegedly did? Muahaha yes. Kind of. Iz cute.

His deadpan face eased into a smile—one of those twinkling, warm ones that reminded her of honey spilling off a spoon—and predictably, annoyingly, her stomach did a flutter—gold. I feel like you can really get away with lines like this when it comes to Steroline because a) Caroline is a writer and b) Stefan is a Disney prince I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU USED THAT BTW I’M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF BUT DUUUUDE LISTEN I have so much fun writing in Caroline’s PoV because I can write things in a way that I can’t with other characters. I think you’ll see a lot of that in 17 when Caroline dives into her Matt history. And Stefan’s fun because he’s such a fucking sap so I can get as dumb as I want. He has a scene in 17 where I’m like ‘jesus christ dude get a grip’. Damon’s my annoying son because he’s closed off as hell so I always have to keep his thoughts muted and on-the-brink-of-something. Bonnie probably comes the most easily. Anyway, there’s my response to a question that was never even asked.

“It was the elephant in the room, big and obvious and floating over their heads like a light-up blimp. None of this frothy, chit-chat matters, it read in a glitzy, scrolling marquee, waving its animatronic trunk, y’all are fake.” … Does it ever get exhausting? Knowing that you’re literally the best at this metaphorical imagery thingies that need an actual name so I can use it and throw it in your face like, look at this gabi, think about what you’ve done? I almost cut that out because I thought it would feel random! See? That was one of those ‘pause’ moments where I almost left it as ‘the elephant in the room’ and then was like ‘you can do better than that’, and then after I extended it I was like ‘that sounds weird as hell but whatever roll with it’. So roll with yours, girl!

“An awkward beat passed as they regarded each other in the bright, exposing overhead light”/ “the lighting too clinical for such a personal conversation”. So, recently, coupling physical and metaphorical description has really been my jam, and I am so totally digging this. I have this weird thing where I feel like the lighting has to be soft for intimate conversations and if it’s not I’m like not in the right headspace for it, looool. So I’m glad you’re weird about that with me!

“[Katherine] was tough. Cynical. Her arms would lock tightly around him, jaw set, damning the world and the fucked up people in it.” Nice glimpse at the infamous Katherine Pierce. Can’t wait for a possible cameo from her in the future. NYE! Hopefully. I might be overselling NYE.

“Melted, really, like a clock in a fucking Dali painting.” Ok so like, do you Google this shit or is your brain just going a million miles a minute, coming up with stellar ways of impressing us (me)? Like jfc Gabi, calm down. LOOOL okay that one was instinctive because I compare legit every melty thing to a Dali clock. My sister’s cat has no bones and liquifies into whatever space she inhabits and we call her a melted clock.

“Floaty, useless goddamn feathers” this is cute i’m fine

“The Tylers” mention: Tyler believes in love? Is Tyler a Stefan, and that’s why Defan gels? Does Tyler have a girlfriend or boyfriend or a something?!?!? How cute! I feel like the best way to describe Tyler is like… surprisingly well-adjusted. Like he definitely had some shitty things go down in his life (abusive dad), but he had a loving mom and an unexpected support system in Damon and Katherine and because of that, he’s grown up to be this easy-going, confident guy. He’s definitely got a wild streak because of Damon and Katherine, but even when he went out with them they always kept an eye on him, always kept him out of the real dangerous stuff. He grew up loved. So when it comes to romantic love, he’s a casual optimist about it. He’s not some heart-on-his-sleeve romantic, but he believes it’s out there. His issue is kind of that he gets along with everyone (one of those types), so no one’s really knocked him off his feet yet love-wise. “The Carolines”: oh shit, called out. I love that he can read her like a goddamn book even though they aren’t anything under the surface at all. Like that just shows how good he is at this. Yessss, love that interpretation. I kind of wanted to emphasize how much he has everyone pegged so that it would heighten the contrast to how much he keeps having to redefine Bonnie.

“She’d cracked his varnish”—nice—“so thoughtlessly, like it wasn’t something he relied on”—oh shit—“and for what?/ “For shits and giggles? To see if she could?” Like usually I can handle these lines I’m lying but how sad and fucked up is it that Damon thinks Bonnie was only kind to him for something. I totally understand his mindset (like get where he’s coming from), but jfc honey, Bonnie is the Hufflepuffiest (which kudos btw for using the house for both ships, nice nice, I’m honored on behalf of us honey-badgers) and she literally didn’t try to help for anything. He def. struggles with the idea of people being kind for no reason. AND YAS GIRL HONEY BADGERS UNITE! KINDNESS EVERYWHERE! YOU get some kindness. YOU get some kindness! ERRBODY IN DA CLUB GETTIN KINDNESS.

“He scoffed again, shaking his head—worry. Concern./ “Unwanted things.” CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IS THE SHIT, MAN. All us writers out here (or just me idk) are screaming and, probably totally weeping.

“Her eyes looked a little buggy in her magnifying goggles, hair in a mess of curls, and instantly, unwantedly, he felt a bit of the cool distance warm right off him.” Oh silly boy. Like you can actually resist how adorable Bon-bon is. Also, love nerd!Bonnie, can she come back some more? I’m going to incorporate it into 17! I think. Lmao I will now.

“It means I don’t need you to fucking fix me.” Yikes, dude. I always worry that those mood-shift lines aren’t going to pack enough of a punch so I love when you single them out.

“One little emotion glitch”… It’s really interesting you put it this way. Stefonnie are all heartstrings and mush, and Daroline are very ones-and-zeros, very programmed-and-defined. And this ties into Kai’s “logic” speech, because while these no-strings-attached sillies think they can avoid what makes us all human, they’ve got another thing coming. These fools are just as sappy-feely as their romantic counterparts. TRUEFAX.COM I wanna change the story description to just that ^^

“Relax.” IF THAT SHIT ISN’T THE MOST ANNOYING THING EVER I HAVE NO IDEA HOW BONNIE DIDN’T DECK HIM RIGHT THERE. Not to call him out, but my boyfriend does this whenever I get worked up, and I’ve warned him, next time he tells me to relax, he’s getting hit. I literally read Damon’s “relax” in my bf’s voice, and I got so irritated. (Great job). I THINK YOU MEAN YOUR FIANCÉ WHHHAAAATTTTTT

“Your blood type was ‘tequila’.”

“Does that bother you” / “Not as much as it bothers you” OOOO GIRL EXPOSE HIM YAS another line I hoped packed a punch.

“Cat, is he lying?” lol when do they actually name her Never.

“Casually vibrant and loose” reminds me of sunshine for some reason. Sunshiny Caroline is my fav.

“Bonnie’s Caroline. Spirited. Brassy… A hell-raiser with a sparkling stare and a laugh like a bell.” Stefan, babe, stop.

“Badgering the witness!” LOL I’m using this in b&b, you’ve been warned, bye DO IT.

“Memory Lane was closed.”/ “Detour to Platonic Avenue”: good, good, keep it up. I love how they end up talking about it anyways? And it’s lowkey a daroline convo, but without a doubt, Damon would flirt it up, and it’d probably end in more sex, but these two goofballs I swear: “Told you I was the class skank” and “it takes years of training” but also “No room left behind” “Nothing is good enough to make me forget about how much I hate heights” / “I am” OH SHIT IT’S GETTIN’ HOT IN HERE. But also????? Excellent example of what I was saying (re: daroline convo); Caroline lapsed into her natural, flirty confidence, not even realizing GIRL HOW AREN’T YOU REALIZING how something so saucy, that would naturally turn on Stefan, can’t be said so casually. HAHAHA honestly as I was writing that I was like ‘careful what you wish for steffy bear’ because like you said, that is natural Caroline. She’s confident, flirty, vibrant, etc, and if Stefan was already falling for the prickly, self-preserving version, how did he expect to survive this one, you know? I don’t approve of these characters’ dumb ass decisions I just write them.

“You’re Lawyer Dangerous-ing me, aren’t you?” and “Wow, I ruined you.” Love it. I feel like Kol pulled this shit on Caroline, and she lowkey trusts her brother, so she fell for things like this all the time. LOOOL Kol’s such a menace.

“You didn’t think you were Buttercup, did you?” / “That’s embarrassing”: I love sma Stefan so much. I liked tvd at one time, but that’s for another day lololol we’ve discussed this.

“Ugh, montage love” I’m sorry Gabi, are you in sma too? ya know every now and then I have to insert my frustration with how dumb everyone is.

“Was it real if the sun started to fade after a few years? Was it real if the gravity weakened and he had to struggle to stay in her atmosphere? Was it real if another planet got pulled in, too, one he could never see because it was always on the exact opposite side of her, moving in tandem with him, eclipsed by her glow?” Shit, girl. Like, go home already. Gah, thanks love. Another case of ‘pause. Think. You can do better.’ I’m telling you, you just have to roll with it!

“I don’t regret a second of that” oh Stefan, you lovesick fool

“I’m like a human Bermuda Triangle” love

“Just give him the Disney Prince look” and the process of him going through it, and him being like, “This is just my face” I’m dead.

“Danger Zone” lmfaoooooo, followed by “Whatever, Piss Pants”. Sounds like a classic Caroline x Kol moment Honestly, it was so nice to write them just having an easy convo, lololol. And TOTALLY a Care x Kol type exchange. Oh, Kol. I can’t wait to write him over the Christmas chapter(s).

“Bonnie knew the ball was in her court to be the bigger person” to “…they all made her feel caught between telling him that everything was going to be okay and asking him if he wanted a gold fucking star.”/ “Unfortunately, the latter seemed to be winning out.” Okay, so I have to admit this: this “petty, four-year-old” Bamon is a little shamefully like me and my boyfriend. We’re like the diluted version of bamon in this fic. I’m the nerd/caring one, my bf is the cynical/well-read one, and we’re both petty af, and our form of affection is kinda like bamon’s back-and-forth. I mean, we’re not as fucked up at all, but idk, I see parts of our relationship in bamon, which is why they are otp does that mean I think ryan and I otp? maybe but I don’t like being gross. Anyways… FIANCÉ RYAN. CASS IS GETTING MARRIED Y’ALL. I OTP YOU GUYS ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US SO IT’S FINE.

“Must be depressing” / “Don’t worry about it” / “Just means it doesn’t matter” / “Because isn’t that the human way?” Ooooo this shit boils my blood this is the kind of crap ryan pulls sometimes omg but moreover, this baiting thing is so aggravating. Say what you want to say and be done with it! WEDDING BELLS AND RIIIINNNIIINNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG LMAO literally any mention of you and Ryan’s going to bring that response out of me bye

“I mean, didn’t you tell me last night that your biggest fear is that something’s wrong with you and it’s only a matter of time before everyone else figures it out?” and Bonnie’s internal monologue “her head was caught in a hum as she tried to shake off the burn of hearing her biggest insecurity thrown in her face, casual, smug”. I got to admit, Gab, you really know how to write ‘em. Like I was literally hanging on every sentence like oh. My. GOD. DAMON WENT THERE.

Side Note: this whole scene had me all sorts of fucked up, and like damn girl, you really know how to write ‘em. Like I felt for Bonnie. Not in a personal way, but like having someone just throw your deepest fear in your face? Someone who you were just warming up to? Like shit.

GIRL thanks so much, that scene definitely took some tweaking. I always stress about those moments because it takes me so long to get a sense for exactly what kind of mood I built (cause I’m almost like… already in the mood when I start writing it so I don’t actually know if I built it or not? Like if someone who wasn’t me would feel it through the writing alone? Does that make sense? I always try to explain this and fail). But anyway, gah, so glad this pulled you in. Like it’s one thing to try and be funny and fail at it (my life) but for some reason it’s way more nerve-wracking to me to try and be dramatic/intense and fail at it.

Kai’s crème-bru-yay is like opening Pinterest and seeing the first promoted post lol.

Damon’s “would it kill you to stay for one dessert” and her “it might kill you”, which I translated to “I might kill you, you fucker” Exactly what it meant.

The Bon/Kid talk. Nice. I love how it parallels to the Care/Stef talk earlier (dunno if you did this on purpose?) Nope, but I’m going to pretend I’m put-together enough of an author to do things like that and say of course.

“I don’t even know what your vulnerabilities are, Damon!” Have you read Lee’s “Parachute” bamon fic. Damon asks, “Do I ever say anything I don’t mean?” and Bonnie says something like Uh yeah, you say whatever will bother people the most. That. That is so true, and I didn’t realize it until I read it in her fic. Noooo, I haven’t, but now I really need to!

He was a friggin’ serial killer and they’d played right into his game Jesus fucking Christ they were all going to di—I love how off the rails Bonnie’s thoughts are. Like she’s stilly lowkey pissy at Damon, but at the same time, she’s like we’re gonna die. LOL that’s why Bonnie’s the easiest for me to write, because I too am often balancing serious emotions with cracky off-the-rails thoughts.

“I’m sorry but what the everloving fuck, dude?” So, first, amazing line lmfao; second, amazing scene, my friend. Damon, somehow, talking Kai down? Like who would have thought? “Not a good look, man.” I’m dead.

Jk that line is getting it’s own number. Just reading it makes me think that Damon must’ve said something like this to Tyler. Must have. Like, maybe Tyler’s talking about how he got into a fight at school, or maybe about how he screwed things up with a girl—idk idc, big brother!Damon is a good look. Toootally! I was 100% channeling big bro!Damon there, and I definitely hoped people would connect it back to Tyler. Tyler’s just someone that Damon wants better for, you know? Like him and Katherine take him along on their wild rides but like I said earlier, Damon definitely doesn’t want him to live the same kind of life or make the same kind of mistakes/sacrifices he’s made. So I can totally see him steering him off that path if he senses him heading down it. And just in general, so happy you liked that scene. It was one of the scenes I was most pumped for ‘cause I live for feels, and I thought it showed really cute sides of both Damon and Kai.

Kai’s fun fact about Dante, and Damon’s plain, “Bummer” lol.

Kai’s “Did you mean what you said earlier…thinking I was cool…?” I seriously don’t know how you made a serial killer adorable but how dare you :D

“Boyish, almost, like he was some angsty teen she’d walked in on listening to Britney Spears”, oops you did it again I’m hilarious my friend, you played with my heart for fantastic similes. Like, this one just epitomizes what you wanted it to, this sheepish, caught-in-the-moment-of-a-good-deed kinda thing. Like, Gabi, stop Yeeeesssss that was exactly what I wanted to get across but I wasn’t sure I got it across so YAY. Goes to show you. You never think that of your own stuff. Idk why this review response is turning into a giant PSA on cutting yourself some slack with your own writing but CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK WITH YOUR OWN WRITING PEOPLE.

‘you are so much more than you think you are, you piece of shit’—see, that’s my kind of “terms of endearment”. LOL mine too.

Caroline vs. Cat, illustrated by “Are you trying to die?” is very much like me vs. a cat except I’m super allergic, so I’m doing the dying LOOOOOL love ya, Cas.

“Stefan!” She blustered out of her room with a scowl, padding down the hallway in Bonnie’s too-small Gryffindor slippers. First off, Caroline calling Stefan. Secondly, Caroline calling Stefan to be a meditator between her and the cat. Thirdly, why does Bonnie had Gryffindor slippers if she is clearly (eh) Hufflepuff (she could easily be Ravenclaw tbh). LMAO so I made them Hufflepuff at first and then I remembered Bonnie had a Gryffindor shirt and I thought it’d be funny for her to just randomly have paraphernalia from every house because she can’t decide who she is and goes through phases where she’s super convinced she’s one house and then it changes a few months later.

“Tide of amusement”/ “Wash of endearment”: teach me your wayssss I read that as ‘teach me your waaaavvveeesss’ we’re both hilarious

“Saint Stefan”: I really like (and appreciate) that Caroline is the one calling him this. That it’s not some jealous brother, but some girl who blatantly misunderstood him and is coming to the conclusion that maybe this savior complex isn’t as bad/ingrained as she thought. Honestly even just reading ‘jealous brother’ gave me such TVD PTSD. Gross. I’m with ya, girl.

Stefan’s advice, “Dazzle him with that Rebekah charm” literally is the most Dad thing I’ve ever seen lmao

“Demon.” / “Demons everywhere.” Lolololololol

“Do your thing. Give me the sisterhood spiel or whatever Hallmark collection it was you were planning on plagiarizing.” Well shit. I’d probably pay to hear Damon and Rebekah’s verbal sparring. LMAO Damon vs. Rebekah would be amazing. I feel like they’d be fast friends, which makes me laugh because Kol would totally idolize Damon and yet him and Rebekah would loathe each other.

“But more importantly… Tiffany will be social media stalking you every inch of the way, seething with jealousy, so take a lot of pictures.” I love how she gives the realest advice, and then brings it to Rebekah’s level lol. I feel like big sister!Caroline is something we were deprived of and didn’t know it. Hahaha you know Rebekah would totally ignore that shit if it didn’t circle back to making her nemesis miserable. But sister!Caroline is definitely something I want to do more of, so I’m so happy you liked that side. Christmas time will give her and Kol some quality time (and Mama Liz!)

“I’m going to need some tea,” she says lmao.

Oh this is the thing I was talking about when I referred to Lee’s fic: “he’d know before he’d even opened his mouth that he was going to hate what came out” and “why the hell had he even gone there? He could’ve just told her he needed space”. Very similar. You guys had the same revelation. That’s rad - I definitely have to go read her fic. Lee’s writing is always brilliant.

“Unfortunately, the hole he’d just managed to dig himself into had an echo, and the only sound in it was the disbelieving crack in Bonnie’s voice when she’d confronted him about bring up her parents.” Right in the heart.

“But maybe she thought he was a megadouche” he cares what she thinks! “Maybe she was waiting for him to prove that he wasn’t.”

“You missed a spot” / “A harsh spray of water cut him off from the pull-out faucet she’d shot straight at him”—if this petty shit isn’t me & ryan CAS AND RYAN ARE GETTING MARRIEDDDDDDDDDD

“And mean.” I love that tack on, it’s so childish, but epitomizes how she can’t even stay mad at him. “Very, very mean.” Their childish bits are my favorite parts to write. It’s in full-swing in 17.

“I just had a really shitty week last week.” Oooo glimpse into the past. Like Bonnie’s with the Enzo/Klaus mention. More of that ahead!

“And don’t stop calling me kid.” / “It’s cute and I like it.” Can they just kiss and be together already omg You would think but everyone in this story is stupid.

“And he was struck by the most bizarre impulse to kiss her” see, even Damon knows!!!!

The “pep rally” / “I was actually a cheerleader for a bit in college” convo. Classic Bamon

“Try not to do anything secretly heroic while I’m gone.”

“Maybe he was allergic to pep” / “maybe he was high on it” Damon and Bonnie sitting in a tree… D-E-N-Y-I-N-G

THE ALMOST STEROLINE NAME DROP I WAS ACTUALLY GRINNING LIKE A MORON WHEN I READ THIS MUAHAHA it was so stupid and I cackled writing it.

“I think I need to talk about Matt”/ “And I think you should probably tell me about Elena”. What? Caroline Forbes is talking about exes? Is doing something healthy that’ll further her relationship with Stefan? THERE IS SO MUCH PRIDE IN MY HEART – Also, I think this was a great way to end the chapter ‘cause it’s super cliffhanger and also super like a tvd episode, you know? Great, excellent, fantastic job! RIGHT? LOOK AT HER GO! She’s ready to confront some things! And because I took six months to reply to this and have the benefit of actually having the scene written now, I can tell you that she’s really going there. Saying things she’s never said out loud. It’s a hard scene for her. But she’s determined. So it makes me so happy that you’re proud of her (I’m proud of her!), and hopefully the next chapter will make it a little clearer why she is the way she is (and why it took her this long to get there). Also, YAY for show-like endings! You know that’s what I’m going for ;) TBH that’s a large reason why the chapters have gotten so long - I want like a whole episode in a chapter with a beginning, middle, and end, and I want them to set up a story for the next one, and for four central characters that usually ends up taking me about 8-10 scenes, loool. So I’m glad you like it that way, too ;)

Okay, so this is longer than I hoped, but I’m sure you won’t mind. Take your mind off med school, off the whole moving thing. Anyways, thanks a bazillion for being this awesome author that interacts with her audience, who puts at least 1000% percent into this fic when, really, you don’t gotta, and ya know… thanks for fulfilling the need everyone has seen tvd died (there were only 6 seasons right?)

Definitely only six seasons. And girl, psh, thank you for making all of the things you listed above worth it. Seriously. You guys make writing this story a legitimate joy - I literally have you in mind when I write. I anticipate who’s going to like what. Whose going to have a problem with what. And it makes me a better writer. Seriously. Anyway, you’re as lovely and witty and talented and kind and weird and wonderful as ever and I expect detailed updates on you and Ryan’s royal wedding every week and NEVER EVER APOLOGIZE AGAIN FOR WRITING A LONG REVIEW WHO ARE YOU KIDDING YOU’RE MY SUN AND I’VE SAID THIS BEFORE BUT I’LL SAY IT AGAIN IT TAKES ME FOREVER TO RESPOND BECAUSE I LEGIT CAN’T THINK OF A REPLY THAT’S WORTHY SOOOOO THANKS FOR MAKING MY LIFE K BYEEEEE

#reply #review #six mornings after #16 #cassie's review #that's going to be a tag #because it deserves its own tag #anyway here you all go you're welcome for bringing cas into your life #meta #submission

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yoursummerfrost · 8 years

Text

sidogosidhgjkv hi it’s OFC day for @omgcpwomenfest so I wanted to introduce everyone to Shani, a character I created for the fic I’m publishing this weekend but will probably appear in future stories too! Have some random headcanons that are sort of AU-flexible and don’t always apply (notably, in future stories Shani might be poly but in her original story she’s monogamous).

Feel free to send me asks or message me about Shani! I love her so much! Going under the cut bc it got long af.

Shanelle “Shani” Grady-Troy

Shani is a Black woman who grew up in Long Island and loves sports

Her favorite is baseball because she used to play it with her dad

She played softball for a while but she was pretty solidly mediocre and gave it up

She has a lot of hangups about achievement and struggles to find something she enjoys worthwhile if she isn’t fantastic at it

Softball was never going to get her a college scholarship but her grades could so she put everything she had into those

She also likes hockey, but she prefers women’s hockey to men’s and she chirps Jeff and Kent about it constantly

As for men’s teams, though, she likes the Mets and the Islanders the most, and psuedo-begrudgingly cheers for whatever team Jeff is playing for at the time

She and Kent bond over their love for the Mets because Kent grew up in Brooklyn. One time Jeff mentions how A-rod seems pretty chill and he nearly doesn’t survive the combined assault

As the name implies, she’s married to Kent’s mysterious teammate, Jeff Troy

They met in like 2005 in New York, when Troy still played for the Rangers

But they didn’t get married until 2010

Shani rejected Troy’s first proposal because she was still in school

If you asked her what she thinks about fighting in the NHL she’d condemn it loudly and whole-heartedly

But she’s secretly kinda into it

She shares exactly one (1) secret with Eric R. Bittle more on their relationship later and it’s this and only bc he admits he’s into it first

She likes fussing over Jeff when he comes home with bruises and shit

It makes her feel like the heroine in a superhero movie

Shani is a Nurse Practitioner who works in the ER

She’s a badass and she sees a counselor on a semi-regular basis because the ER is rough and it takes its toll whether you’re a badass or not

She’s unapologetic about the fact she has a therapist

She’s also unapologetically bisexual and it took her a long time to get there but she will Take No Shit about it now

When things started getting serious with Jeff some of her queer friends gave her a hard time

She felt like she was betraying her queerness by dating a dude and betraying her Blackness by dating a white dude

But she had other friends in the community who were more supportive and she realized that she wasn’t the one erasing herself

She ends up staying with Jeff and most of her friends apologized for their bierasure when she stood up for herself

Jeff identifies as straight but is definitely the Overly Invested Ally stereotype and usually has a Bi Awakening at some point, but until then this conversation happens a lot:

Shani: the Straights are at it again

Jeff: but babe I’m straight

Shani: I know and I love you anyway

Shani being openly bisexual is one of the reasons Jeff (and her, by extension) is the first person Kent comes out to in Vegas

Shani likes plans

Jeff has zero plans. He jokes that his wife has enough plans for the both of them. Shani is unironically pleased by this truth

Shani has plans for situations in the ER, for every vacation their family will ever take, for emergencies with their children

She also has a plan for when her fiance’s favorite rookie shows up at their door suicidal at 3 am because God forbid they’re unprepared for that one again

Shani will always love plans but she’s learning to be a little more flexible

In universes where they’re poly she’s in charge of scheduling and making sure everyone has comfy boundaries etc

Her relationship with Kent fluctuates based on the circumstances but she’s always super protective of him and platonically affectionate

They have the cutest cheek kisses and cuddle sessions

In ‘verses where Jeff and Kent are dating, Shani and Kent still don’t have a sexual relationship it’s just not Them

They probably try it once like

They’ll be snuggling on the couch and a little tipsy from some wine with dinner and just look at each other. And they lean in and kiss, and when they pull away they just look at each other and go “Nahh” and go back to chirping Jeff for his terrible fashion sense

She’s very aware of the fact that her husband is Gone on her and has been since they met, and she’s super secure in their relationship

Jeff is worried when he starts getting closer to Kent at first and he always asks Shani if she’s okay with stuff

Jeff: Um. Hi babe. Would it be okay if I cuddled with Kent sometimes? He just seems so lonely sometimes and–

Shani: Kent Parson is a Sad Boy who deserves to be swaddled with affection at literally all times and I would be disappointed if you didn’t want to cuddle him.

Jeff: ….so yes?

Shani: Yes thank you for asking

She worries about Kent sometimes though especially if Jeff hasn’t had his Bisexual Awakening yet

Kent is definitely lowkey crushing on Jeff and she doesn’t want Kent to get hurt

It can get a little manipulative when Kent’s mental illnesses aren’t being well controlled and Shani struggles with being sensitive to it without letting her and Jeff be taken advantage of

Shani doesn’t like Bitty at first

She has a fundamental mistrust of White Southern Boys who are too polite and nice all the time

Kent: Eric Bittle is a ray of sunshine who’s never done anything wrong in his entire life

Shani: Seems Fake But Okay

It’s not that she doesn’t think Bitty’s a good person it’s just that she likes people who say what they mean and Bitty Does Not Do That

She can’t tell when he’s being genuine because everything is hidden behind 72.5 layers of passive-aggression and pettiness and southern charm

It’s unsettling just say how you feel god dammit

Jeff kindly tries to remind her that Kent Parson only says what he means an approximate 45.32% of the time

she ignores him entirely

Also she can tell Kent is 3000% in love with Bitty and if he breaks Kent’s heart Shani will destroy him

She doesn’t really come around until she realizes how genuinely happy Bitty makes Kent and that he’s in this for the long haul like Kent is

They’re never best friends but they can get along just fine

Shani doesn’t like Jack either but she kind of does

Jack is like the opposite of Bitty in that Shani likes him as a person but has a hard time forgiving what he did to Kent

Jeff kindly tries to remind her that Kent was also a certifiable asshole to Jack on multiple occasions

she ignores him entirely

She has a devastating sense of humor that basically just involves dragging everyone she loves at all times

She’s also super nosy and can and will find out everything about your life

She doesn’t gossip about Important things though

She will absolutely tell the story about the time Kent burned a pot of spaghetti and set off their fire alarm at literally every opportunity but she will take his sexuality to her fucking grave

Has no problems spending Jeff’s money and letting him spoil her but also would never give up her career

It’s not like she thinks something would happen between them but she’s also not stupid and she knows no one thinks their marriage will end in a nasty divorce or–

she doesn’t like to think about the other terrible way marriages can end but she’s prepared for it, is the thing

So she wants to have a career she can support herself and the kids with if she needs to

She also genuinely likes being a nurse even if it runs her into the ground

This is like the one thing she and Bitty bond over

How do you be your own person and feel successful when your partner is literally a millionaire?

Speaking of kids Shani and Jeff have two children and she loves them endlessly

She suffered from a pretty awful bout of postpartum depression after the birth of their first child and went to therapy (outside of her normal counseling) for it

She still carries a lot of shame for that even though she’s trying to forgive herself and accept that it wasn’t her fault

When she was pregnant with her second kid she was terrified she’d go through it again

She almost didn’t want to conceive again and they talked about adoption instead but in the end she decided to get pregnant

She wasn’t clinically depressed after the second pregnancy but didn’t feel great, either

She’s iffy on having a third kid anyway but she’ll definitely adopt this time if they do

She just doesn’t like being pregnant or the aftermath of pregnancy

She’d rather skip forward to the blowing raspberries on tummies and changing diapers parts

This got like really long lmao and I still feel like I said way less than I meant to?? Seriously come chat w me about her if you want she’s great.

#can't learn to leave #omgcpwomenfest #suicidal mention #original character #original female character #original poc character #depression mention #postpartum depression mention #Shani Grady-Troy #I wrote a ficlet

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aestheticallysamilouise-blog · 7 years

Text

April 30th, 2017

Hello everyone,

My name is Sami Louise and I'm just your pretty average typical young adult emo/goth/scene/punk/alternative/what the hell ever you would like to call me, person. I've decided to make a visible online blog for everyone to read so I could get my thoughts and ideas out in the world. Maybe it will help me to not want to kill myself so much. No, I'm not joking. I'm an ex-cutter and for the first time in a long time I am being forced to actually deal with my shit myself while trying not to slice myself up.

I guess for my first entry I should basically summarize how my life is going right now.

My life took a massive shit on me back in November of last year. November 23rd to be exact. I remember because it was my mother's birthday and the night before Thanksgiving. My boyfriend of four years (with a minor 7 month break due to me and my fear of commitment) was supposed to be coming over. I cleaned my room. I woke from a nap and it was 6pm..no messages from him. I felt this terrible dread in my stomach, like something was wrong but I just didn't know what. I texted him.

“Hey when are you coming over?” I texted him.

“I've been thinking a lot lately.”

Oh no. I thought.

“Good or bad thoughts...?”

“Bad.”

“About...us?”

“Yeah.”

I at this point call him because my heart was imploding in my chest. I couldn't think straight. I told him I couldn't understand what he was saying because he was crying so hard. I told him I was coming over (which was a half hour drive for me.) to pick up all of my things and talk about this in person. I mean, he owed me just that. If he was going to finally end this after a good long four years, it was going to be in person. I remember as I was putting my shoes on I kept screaming curses. “DICK!” & “ASSHOLE!” You know, your basic insults.

On the drive to his house I just kept thinking about how I was going to move to Colorado as soon as I save up enough money for it. I was finally ready to give into my mother's many requests and hints and join her and my brother, father, and niece out there to begin a new life. Have a fresh start. Get away from California for good. There is nothing left for me here but good, bad memories.

It was your standard break up. He was wearing the blue plaid button up shirt I had gotten him for our Anniversary not even ten days earlier. He looked so good. It was a “It's not you it's me” type break up. He even used the ever so classic, “I love you but I'm not in love with you.” speech. I admit though, I did punch his legs and arms a couple times. I was so mad. I cried, he cried, he held me. I sacked up, finished packing up my things & I put them in my car. We kiss goodbye and I drove off.

Now, that same night I didn't want to be home alone because I knew for sure that if I was alone I was really going to kill myself. I hit up an old-time friend, David. I went over to his house and we talked until 1am the next morning. He made me laugh and made me feel good. David and I used to date a long time ago back in 2011. He was my one that got away and still to this day is the hottest person I've ever slept with. He ended up being a good friend of mine after I quit hating him after we broke up. I like having David in my corner fighting for me. He always has my back and is honest with me. After that night we began to hang out like every weekend there for like a month and he made me feel so invincible. His school year started up after that and we barely see each other now but I make sure that we remain talking because he will always be in my thoughts and my heart that's for sure.

Two weeks after my ex and I broke up and we said we were going to be friends still, a mutual friend of ours gave me heads up saying that my ex had began dating someone else, I shortly found out after this that the mystery girl ended up being his band's old manager. I met her a couple times in the end. This girl apparently is so terrible that no one wants to be around her. All my mutual friends that used go to his house a lot don't really do anymore. She has MS and is apparently dying, even though I know people who have had MS and lived for a long, long time. She makes my ex do absolutely everything for her, she is a 4 in the dating scale when I am at least a 6. Well I promised my friend I wouldn't say anything. And I didn't. Until my ex started calling me out on his twitter passive aggressively. Turns out one of our mutual friends on two of my social media outlets was telling him stories about how I was fucking some guy named Luke. I know one Luke, he commented something sweet on my facebook on one of my post-breakup posts. I hadn't seen this guy for at least a year at this time. They also mentioned a snap I took of me laying on David's bed, fully clothed, make up and hair on point, talking to David. Apparently that means I was sleeping with him. After a long fight my ex and I decided to not talk anymore.

I left some of my things at his place since I was angerly packing I missed some things. We made a date for my to come and pick them up. I got all done up, banging actually, got my sexy ass in the car and began driving to his place. I was ready to have some closure and say goodbye. Leave him pining after what he lost but as I’m getting off the freeway he texts me saying that my stuff was in a box on his porch and I can just walk up and get them. I begged for him to come outside and say goodbye but he said apparently he wasn’t home. I got to his house and his car was there. I walked up to his porch. Grabbed my box, And went back into the car and drove home crying the whole way. We haven’t spoken since.

In January of this year I was diagnosed with a slightly rare skin disease called Lichen Planus.

“Lichen planus (LP) is a disease characterized by itchy reddish-purple polygon-shaped skin lesions on the lower back, wrists, and ankles.[1] It may also present with a burning sensation in the mouth, and a lattice-like network of white lines near sites of erosion (Wickham striae). The cause is unknown, but it is thought to be the result of an autoimmune process with an unknown initial trigger. There is no cure, but many different medications and procedures have been used in efforts to control the symptoms.”

In August of I began to get a rash all over my body after I returned from one of my ex's band's shows in Willits, Ca. I thought it was poison ivy because apparently it was all over that place. I had itchy bumps all over my body for about three months out the end of my relationship with my ex and when I was finally diagnosed after seeing four different doctors and five months all together, I texted him. I heard nothing back.

I'm fine now, after being treated with UV rays my rash has dropped down to %80 which was the goal. It's starting to form in my mouth but that's nothing a good ointment won't take care of...results to come.

Everything was pretty basic between then and now. I tried dating again but it ended up being pointless and just not worth my effort right now. I attempted to try and take a 23 year old virgin's Vcard but after he tried to argue with me about how fast we were moving (making out and oral) twice, at the second time I was like fuck this, I do not have the time. So I ended that. I tried talking to a guy I met before meeting my ex and he figured that since we had sex 5 years ago then that just means we can start back up right from where we left off and got mad at me because I got mad at him for always asking for sex from me and telling him no. Nice guy. I started talking to a friend of one of the two mutual friends with the ex but even that guy ended up being a lying douche bag who only wanted sex from me too. Like, I am a person here. Not just a vagina for you to come and fuck when it's convenient for you. So I gave up on dating California boys. I'll think about picking up dating again when I move to Colorado. I hope my Colorado boy will have a beard. And a man bun. Man buns are my guilty pleasures.

This weekend shows up and I am hanging out with a couple friends from Woodland. I was informed that my ex has married the band manager. Why? Not because of true love, no. They are married because her parents hate my ex so much that they cut her off from all the money they give her (they are rich af) and took her off of their health insurance and knowing my ex, he probably felt bad and let her talk him into getting married so she can be on his health insurance. Apparently she does heroin now too.

My ex has been ignoring my texts for almost five months now. He either reads and ignores them, deletes them right away, changed his number, or blocked mine because he never replies. I texted him today though.

“I know you're ignoring my text messages or have blocked my number from your phone or even laugh at what I send you sometimes but something about messaging this number gives me serenity at these hard times. Do I wish more than anything in this world that you would talk to me? Yes. There is so much that I want to tell you. So many good things. I think I like the silence, however. It helps me to realize how gone you are from me. That I will never have you back in my life. As much as I wish that was different. As an ex-girlfriend it makes me happy knowing the things I know but, as a friend, I am worried about you. It's so weird having such strong contradictory feelings for someone. On one hand I'm happy and on the other I worry about you on the daily. I hope that you are doing okay and when you are ready to have a true friend fighting for you in your corner, I hope you'll have the peace in your heart long enough to talk to me. I give very good advice and I'm a great listener. Anyways, I hope that you are okay.”

And no reply, of course.

My old high school theater director passed away today. A man that taught me so much and had such an impact on my life is now gone. I hope he is finally at peace riding a huuuuuge dragon. He loves dragons.

R.I.P. Tom Fearon.

We will all miss you.

#confsessionsofayoungaduleemogoth justanotherdiary depression life breakup storytime lichenplanus lp lifetimediseases fuckedup

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