#depressingconfessions

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I might have fallen in love with him by accident...

Not sure if romantic love, or something else, but definitely there's a "damn it's him" vibe doing my best to resist it.

I wish I could have avoided this!

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

The fear is back. People keep telling me this is a good fear. It means I've found someone amazing and it's ok that I'm afraid of my feelings. They're good feelings but they're so overwhelming.

People keep telling me that it's ok to feel this way.

When I'm with him I feel safe. When my mind is centred I feel secure. But at times like these when I've just finished work and my mind is fizzing I think "No way! Impossible! I'm broken!"

It's simply not possible for anyone to ever feel like that for me. No matter how much I appreciate my friends and others for their support I will never believe that I am someone who deserves someone as lovely as him.

I seriously doubt that he will ever love me. Who would? Fuck off with that romantic love nonsense.

I'm fuckin unlovable.

That's what I think about. When I'm alone with my thoughts. I sit here- tired and stressed out and about 17 minutes away from a full blown crying fit again.

However, the more I write this the easier it is to accept that feeling of being unlovable, of being not good enough, and gradually I get past all of that overwhelming emotional pain. Then, after the fear starts to quell, I remember the mantra.

Take it slow. Be present. Enjoy the moment.

Relax because everything is fine.

Remember to breathe.

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I wish I could tell him how I feel

I know he'll reject me though

He's just as awkwardly anxious and clueless as me

I wish these feelings and emotions would hurt less

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I can't think of anything to write

I'm not feeling depressed, which is a relief, and nor am I feeling anxious, which is a darn miracle.

I'll list things as I have done when describing the situation to my friends.

I can go to Paris and America as soon as covid allows provided nothing else happens.

My fourth book is literally my life obsession rn.

I have nre in what might become a LDP who is ok with me being poly. (Also he can play the star wars theme on the ocarina)

I am getting trained to a department where I have more friends and will be less pressure on me for sales.

It is amazing!! The only true thing I have that I am struggling with is back pain and inflammation in my chest. My sleep is not so much insomnia and more my clock has adjusted to the West coast American timezone because I speak to my friends every day.

Although, I was going to write a nice New Year blog on Hogmanay... Inspired by the speech from our lovely First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon. However, I think it best just to quote my favourite part.

2020 has been unimaginably difficult/.../ We have had to deny ourselves so many of the things that we most value in life, human companionship, hugs from loved ones, the comfort and the pleasure we get from meeting and spending time with each other.

Speaking of the things those who have been fighting on the front line in NHS and essential staff, praising those who volunteered for vaccine trials, in addition to the quite phenomenol achievements of various charities, businesses and people in their community during the pandemic, Ms Sturgeon added: “These have all been points of brightness in dark times. They have reminded us again of what truly matters in life – kindness, compassion, solidarity and love.”

I could not say it better myself.

In all honesty, the speech led me nearly to tears. I have a warmth for my country of birth. This is the best place I've lived and I've no end of gratitude for those who have risked their lives. Many have lost loved ones this year and risked their own health to keep the world afloat in the new normal.

It breaks my heart that people would dare to hurt others in the ways I have been treated this year.

I only hope I have the right repellent close to me.

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I'm annoyed. I want to sleep.

I'm so close to having everything that I could ever want. I miss him. I miss him.

I hate myself deep down inside because I'm scared bothering him will mean he'll no longer want me.

I know I'm overthinking. I deleted messages again.

Guilt plagues me so often. People are so confusing.

Insomnia and anxiety about being abandoned.

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

This week has been tough...

But it's finally Christmas!!!

From fire to water to earth and to wind

The circle of life, the dance without end

So merry meet and merry part: And merry meet again.

I'll start with the positive thoughts. I have a wee crush on a childhood friend. I ended up having an interesting sexual fantasy about him. Which I know I'm definitely not ready yet! I'm not going to be the one to chase anyone anymore. I need people who will see how wonderful I am and come find me.

And I don’t want to ruin friendship because sex doesn’t have to equal relationship in my eyes.

I'm also making amazing progress on my next book.

I'm happy.

Now the negatives. I'm still overthinking. I'm still overwhelming my best friends with messages. Friends are not unpaid therapists but I still think out loud and my anxiety is triggered so easy. Even more so at night. Even though I am consciously listening to my friends during the day, whenever I'm asleep the dreams come back to haunt me. I hate it.

I still love him, that's fine, it's not going to be easy. What is it that Rick Sanchez said?

Sorry but I'll never forget that lesson fam, that's the end of dating anyone who even remotely resembles "the perfect Man" because that's what usually turns out to be a manipulating narcissistic two-timing fuckboy. Oh yes, let's focus on forgetting about all that's happened most recently that wannabe player with nut allergies. I don't care if you think I'm cold and heartless, I'm moving on to living how I want.

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I caught myself smiling on a video call with my friends today. I'm finally feeling myself again.

The very start of this week I was worried about something. My period was nearly a week late so...

My anxiety was playing up a bit and I handled it very well. In fact I only ever delete messages now if there is found to be an error. I'm not scared anymore.

For like a day I was overthinking of all sorts of things. The anniversary of the start of the events from 2018 lingered on my mind. I started thinking about what I would do if my period never arrived. Then it came. Goes without saying that I was relieved. And sad.

The important thing is that I am not being gaslight by a toxic narcissistic fuckboy with nut allergies.

I've moved on to bigger things.

Life is good.

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

Anxiety is so annoying. I'm ok and then I'm not.

It scares me. I know it's probably just hormones and stress but I can sense that feeling of being filled with cortisol and basically I know what will happen if I continue on this path I'm on just now.

I'll fall in love with him and that will be it.

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I can feel that new relationship energy creeping up around my ankles, swimming up my knees, filling my thighs, and milking my womb...

Crawling along my chest and choking at my neck.

Bringing my brain to the boil, my hands are cuffed above my head and I am feeling rather happy.

I'm free to be myself.

Relaxing and taking it easy.

I'm content

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I feel really like raw inside of my heart and it hurts to think about the past. I need to stop "tarring him with the same brush" because honestly he is different.

He's not the same N from before. He's much better.

I feel content in my head that my heart will heal and it'll be more beautiful than before. Glorious beauty. Like having a broken plate or dish and using gold to fix the cracks... He is like gold...

Not yet though. Baby steps.

My depression and anxiety was triggered yesterday so I've taken a day off work to recoup some energy.

Shn is a bully, that's all she is.

And I'm a bad bitch who is too hot to handle.

In short, I'm far superior...

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I wanna say that I am not doing well. Like in general. I don't think my life has ever been "great" there's a lot of chaos in my head.

Here we are. Very much looking back at the latest flash of romance and I can pin point the exact moment I knew I was in danger.

Here's the story of all about how my life got flip turned upside down!!

It was the first date before I realized that it was a date. I can't remember if it was before or after he asked me if I would mind if he kissed me.

He stopped the car because of this snail that was sitting on the front window. He stopped the car because he was worried about the snail flying off when he was driving. That was the exact moment I thought...

The precise moment of high clarity on what my heart is aching for! And now here is the result.

I wish he could feel the same

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

The dream about N was weird.

I started to think about it when I was settling down to try to sleep. In the dream there was this big deal about my green panda scarf.

In the dream I'd forgotten it in his car (irl it's probably on my scarf hanger). I was trying to get it back because it's my lucky scarf. I messaged bfg and I even messaged N's mum as a way to just say "hey, I just want my scarf!" that's all, it's just a scarf. I described my green panda scarf to as many people as I can. Then I find out what's happening with my scarf and Shn has it... He gave her my scarf!

I am fused with anger - he had to no right to give away my property! I bought that scarf in Aberdeen several years ago, it's green and I love pandas.

Rather abruptly all my friends are there - remember, it's a dream. They grab Shn and wrestling with her I get my scarf back in the process. I look at the scarf and it's not my green panda scarf. It's different.

There is pandas. It is green. But it's not my green panda scarf. There's something off about it but I wake up before I can figure it out.

There was a lot more going on in the dream, sometimes blurring the lines between the previous events and other images, but I don't want to go too far into the meaning of the dream. Just wanted to write it down from the part I remembered.

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I hate crying. Can I not ? Thanks

It's sucky. I bought my first car. My book is almost done. I have awesome friends. My job is going well.

Yet romantically I feel disjointed.

My head feels tangled up in webs.

Feelings suck

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I wonder if he'll ever know how I feel...

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

Oh dear. The feels haven't gone away despite my broken heart. I guess that's what you call...

Unrequited love! *Boom*

...my mental health is at an all time low! If you don't start respecting me we gonna fall out boy! I guess you can't stand my chemical romance, but I tried

Guess it was all nothing but a panic at the disco...

don't even know where I was going with this but feel free to carry on =D

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

Never good enough

Why do the people I love always hurt me?

What is it that I did so wrong to deserve this?

I try so hard to be a good person but it's never good enough!

I'm either not trying hard enough or I'm letting my mask fall one too many times for people to accept me. I need to take that mask and glue it on again cos if I let my vulnerabilities show again it'll just hurt more.

"you don't have to wear a mask for me" he said

Yet the second I let him see my vulnerabilities and pain he rejected me!

"I'm busy" he said- too busy to just say "sorry I know I said was coming over, I've been tied up with stuff"

It would have been that easy.

The truth is though, no one will ever care about me.

I'm not a good person.