#to myself not to fear death as much
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Death is scary.
As a concept, it fills many hearts with anxiety, fear, and dread. It keeps people awake at night; it leaves an uneasy feeling in the stomach; it leaves many wondering if they've done all they can with their lives. It is a permanent change - the greatest unknown to all of humankind.
We fear things we don't understand by nature, however natural they may be. We fear major changes outside our control - so little in life is within our reach. We worry and panic and demonize and ignore. We focus so heavily on the bad aspects that we forget to look at the good.
The beautiful life that we've already lived, no matter how difficult; such things deserve celebration. The peace death can bring, transitioning from one chaotic world to one that is silent and calm. The knowledge that it's ok not to know what happens with certainty, it's ok that we don't know everything. Maybe it's not as bad as we think it is. Maybe it's kind and embracing. Maybe it welcomes us as an old friend, with compassion, hospitality, and gentleness.
Death is life's ultimate change, when we move from one form to something entirely new and unexperienced. That can be scary. Change can be scary. But just like in life, I choose to believe that not all change is bad change. There are many things we haven't experienced until we finally do; riding a rollercoaster, going to university, moving to a new place - all of these are changes, some scarier than others, that can result in beautiful experiences beyond what we could've possibly imagined. Whose to death won't be the same?
#cw death#tw death#thanatos deity#death acceptance#this is mostly just a#reminder#to myself not to fear death as much#i tend to have a lot of anxiety around the topic#i hope that this also reminds someone else that it will be ok#no matter what lies ahead#you will be ok
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So I couldn't help but browse the THG tag bc those books own my whole heart. I actually check it now and again, and it's been interesting see how opinions have changed over the years, especially in regards to Gale and Peeta. Going through the evolution of them as just potential love interests to being far more complex than I could have expected has been a wild ride. Crazy how this reads different than from when I was a preteen.
That said, I wanted to give my unsolicited two cents on my boys, because though I have been enjoying the discussion on Peeta and Gale and what they mean to the story, I also feel like reducing them to Peeta = peace and Gale = war is far too simplistic... and oftentimes unfair to one or both of them.
See, I don't think Peeta and Gale are peace and war/destruction. They're compassion and indignation.
Peeta worries about the other tributes, or their families, or how to repay people like Rue and Thresh for what they did.
Gale is indignation at how the Capitol treats its citizens, it's anger at the injustice of inequality and brutality.
Both are needed in a story like THG. You can't have people like even Peeta not say something like "maybe we're wrong about keeping things quiet in the districts", you can't have him not drop the baby bomb, you can't start a revolution without Gale's indignation at the status quo. At deserving a better life but being denied it, at having your kids be mercilessly killed for literal sport.
However, if you start a rebellion and loose sight of your compassion, you end up no better than the people you're fighting against. Gale wasn't a bad person, imo. His heart was in the right place. He was flawed, yes, but so is everyone in this series. Gale, most importantly, lost sight of the line between fighting for the people he cared about and fighting against the people who hurt him.
Reducing Gale's indignation to just revenge and hatred ignores so much of what he stands for. Who hasn't seen laws passed that dehumanize people, who hasn't been angry and furious when someone is elected who fundamentally hates everything you are, who doesn't think some people need to pay for the atrocities they committed? There's a little bit of Gale in every single one of us - and it's important that it's there, because that's what gives us strength to challenge the status quo and make life better for the future generations.
But. You can't let it take over. You can't loose sight of your compassion or your empathy.
That's where Peeta comes in. Peeta is the voice in your head that worries about how many good lives will be lost when they give themselves up for this cause. Peeta is the worry about the people caught in the crossfire. Peeta is rebuilding when it's over and believing that the next generation will have a better life than your own. Peeta is being kind, even to people who may not deserve it.
And Gale... Gale looses sight of his compassion, and he doesn't realize it until it smacks him in the face when the bombs go off and Prim is gone and he's too far gone. Meanwhile, Peeta advocates for the end of the war even though it means the status quo remains - and regardless of what he believes himself, I don't think Suzanne chose him to say those lines by chance. It means both mindsets have their flaws: too kind and things that shouldn't remain will never be challenged and changed, too angry and you may loose sight of what you're fighting for.
And that's just how Suzanne uses her characters, both of them, all of them. Just look at who is with Katniss depending on the situation:
- Katniss chooses to "rebel" after Gale is brutally whipped. She kisses him.
- Katniss realizes that in order for D12 to rebel, everyone would need to be in on it, and she realizes most of them are not like her, that they're scared and she understands, emphasises with them. Peeta walks by her side.
- Katniss finally does it though, shoots the arrow at the force field, and Peeta is taken from her, it's now Gale by her side.
(You can't start a rebellion without indignation, and sometimes you HAVE to do it or things will never change, regardless of the inevitable pain that will come along.)
- Katniss is righteously angry at the Capitol bombing a hospital full of innocents to make a point. Gale remains there.
- Coin twists people's compassion into an army to fight for her own personal gain. Peeta is hijacked and looses his sense of self.
- Katniss and Gale go to District 2 and even though she tries to be like Peeta, she's still shot- reinforcing Gale's views, the person who was with her during that sequence.
- Katniss is angry at Snow, Katniss goes to the Capitol to kill him. Gale is there.
- Katniss gets in way over her head and realizes she is responsible for the death of most of her squad. She shares the lamb stew with Peeta, and later cleans his wounds.
- Finnick dies and she's at her lowest up until that point and all she wants to do is give up and give in to the anger. She kisses Peeta and begs him to stay with her.
... Claiming that Gale is destruction ignores the fact that he's with Katniss through her own moments of strength. Her desire to change things, to fight back, is as important as her compassion. Mockingjay just brutally shows you what war does to your indignation, to your compassion. How easy it is to cross a line between righteous anger and revenge, or how your sense of empathy and compassion can be manipulated into something monstrous by others, or by all the terrible, brutal, painful things you see.
How easy it is to loose yourself- and that goes for both of them.
Peeta and Gale aren't static characters, they go from representations of sentiments regarding an injust government to what happens to those feelings when an extreme situation such as war breaks out. All of that, by the way, while dealing with this duality themselves, because they are still characters who think and feel and struggle and have flaws of their own- and while I love what they stand for, I've seen too many comments that pin everything into what they mean, that they forget that Peeta and Gale are still people, they aren't perfect metaphors. They're human.
Ultimately, Katniss doesn't really choose peace. She wants peace, yes. But what she chooses is compassion. empathy. hope. There's a time and place for anger at injustice. There's a time when fighting back is the right thing to do. There are even times when you wanna give in to your despair and lash out. But if you want peace, then you have to choose Peeta, because Peeta represents what you need to focus on to achieve that peace. You have to let go of the anger or you won't ever rest. So Gale leaves, and does not come back... And yet, Katniss still has her moments of indignation, of making a stand, even as he goes - she still casts her vote at that meeting, she still shoots Coin. Katniss does not abandon that part of who she is. It's just not her main drive anymore.
So then she goes on to make the choice, every single day, to be compassionate to others. To have hope. To rebuild. Of course she chooses Peeta.
... Idk, man. These boys are so much more than what I see them so often reduced to. They're in all of us. There will be times to stand and fight, and times to show mercy and be kind. We just need to find that balance, as Katniss eventually did.
#the hunger games#thg#katniss everdeen#peeta mellark#gale hawthorne#it took me over a decade but I finally bit the bullet and decided to talk about this series#I love it so much#there's so much more I could say I had to hold myself back#like how BOTH Gale and Peeta are never fully gone even tho most people only focus on Peeta#But Gale knew what he did was wrong#It's not as clear bc he's not a pov character and katniss is too tired to try and read him but#prim's death touched him#he didn't brush it off he didnt see it as justified bc at least now its over#regardless of his reasons he still has enough sense of self to realize this#unlike y'know. characters like coriolanus who makes up so many excuses for what he did#including indirectly killing the character who is the personification of innocence and hope#like prim was#(side note I dont think any of the tbosas characters are direct parallels to the thg ones)#(theres little bits of katniss peeta AND gale in characters like snow)#(bc they're all representative of indignation and anger / compassion / fear and the need to feel safe)#(which every human being in the world has - even that bastard)#(he just chooses a different path)#(tbosas is very good btw)#(y'all should read it before the movie makes it about romance like I'm terrified it will)#ps if anyone knows how to put a read more on mobile can you let me know thx ily
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#sometimes I love sitting in complete darkness also knowing death is literally around the corner#it's so thick in the air it's unreal#I haven't mentioned anything about it here but#my kitty has cancer and things haven't looked good at all during the last 2 days#I fear that it won't take too long anymore until she will die#I'm so used to doing everything by myself and I know I will manage somehow as always but#I can't deny I sometimes get so fucking tired of always putting on a brave face and pretending that everything's fine#and not talk to my few friends who unfortunately suffer so much themselves and sadly don't even live near me#and yet I don't even want to talk because I'm way too exhausted#mayhaps just the presence of someone who cares and understands could be enough I think#but there's nothing like that anymore so I keep pushing myself forward despite always falling back deeper into the dark hole#I have long accepted how things are but#knowing the one thing that gave me the most strength during dark times will be gone is unbelievably painful#I'm confident things will become brighter at some point. just wondering when. I think I finally deserve a break#just wanted to get it off my chest before retreating back into my “idgaf” behavior#tumblr and moots are my witness#likely tbd#tw cancer
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I think I should kill myself.
#self h@rm#poetry#romance#2014 tumblr#cry of fear#k#s#goth#corn#m#i need to lose so much weight#more more jump#sex pistols#hangman fanfiction#pathetic loser#killing#myself#death stranding#excerpt from a book i'll never write#vintage#annabel lee nevermore#bucktommy#ciggarette#viktorbartholy#good omens#bitcoin#randy cunningham fanart#stardew valley#blood loss#i hate it here
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ohh javieran … javieran post kieran’s death .., javier is a poor lonesome cowboy in america a long way from home with no more sweetheart to sit and talk with him ooohhh can anyone hear me ….
#someone on tiktok found poor lonesome cowboy in an old archival-esque book of cowboy and campfire songs and as soon as i saw this i gasped#ummm burst into tears actually ! thanks ! i’m so sad !#poor lonesome coyotito who parted from his city and who has no sweetheart to sit and talk with him ☹️#they make me miserable#i was just gonna put this in my drafts but i already have 15 drafts and i fear if i continue to put ideas in my drafts “for later’’ i will#never make another post again … so instead of setting myself up for disappointment i’m just gonna start posting like i do on twt#which is where i post every unfiltered thought i have :)#it’s MY blog and I get to make useless textposts constantly because i know im incapable of making any actual content atm#i’m hoping to draw something based off of this some day though :( i’m already having ideas#usually i sit in my mind palace and tinker with my au where kieran lives but unfortunately sometimes i must face reality and think about#javier’s loss and heartbreak in canon <//3#i need to rewatch kieran’s death cutscene and see where javier is and what he does because i’ll have to write his initial#response to grief depending on that :/#whether he’s frozen in disbelief or actively involved in the retrieval of kieran’s body (if he’s even around at all)#javier isn’t really the type to scream and sob out in pain in the moment but i do think that when he finally had a moment to himself (likely#all the way in chapter six considering how chaotic everything gets and how he’s involved in like … everything following that) (which also re#minds me that he literally goes and gets tortured in guarma immediately after losing his lover. i have to kill myslf. anyway.)#i think it probably hits him like a train and he begins to hack and throw up like the weight of grief is literally crushing his organs from#the inside out 😕 javier escuella the lover that you are sets you up for such devastating heartbreak im so sorry#idek how much i want to tag this. maybe ill pull a moss and start using my own tags for characters#rdr2#image#hero's talking to himself again#hero’s kieran#hero’s javier#hero’s javieran#just so i dont have to clog up tags 💛#i will tag#javieran#as normal though
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i hope god loves me as much as you did
[cute kittys!!! by gabi on flickr; neighborhood #2 (laika) by arcade fire; goodnight sparky by @smile-files on tumblr; the fight is over by patrick mchale; my cat is sad by spencer madsen; a dog's midnight prayer by unknown; so big / so small by rachel bay jones; everyone i know (will die) by four eyes; the little prince by antoine de saint-exupéry; breathe (in the air) by pink floyd; sunpod by gustafer yellowgold; sweetie little jean by cage the elephant; cat dreaming by tiddler on flickr; untitled by roadarch; goodnight by whimsical animal; this is home by cavetown; untitled by @storieldraw on tumblr; plane crash blues (i can't play the piano) by phoebe bridgers; just take my wallet by jack stauber; death is nothing at all by henry scott holland; untitled by petfurniture on twitter; fading kitten syndrome by roar]
#melonposting#webweaving#death#pets#grief#loss#family#love#pet death#<- my posts aren't usually tagged this thoroughly... but webweaving posts tend to be#anyway... given how i've used my own art and own lyrics here this is clearly very personal...#ever since sparky was put to sleep in january i've thought a lot about the love of a family#and that in my position as youngest child i was in a similar position as a pet#beloved... doted on... kissed and hugged and cuddled with a love in every way unconditional...#but different. small. perpetually young and sensitive#and i keep thinking about how much we soothed sparky before he was put to sleep#and i keep thinking about how it's easier for me to fall asleep every night if i know someone is awake nearby#and i think of fading kitten syndrome by roar... a song so profoundly heartwrenching for me#and i picture myself fading away in some hospital bed but not fearing death because my parents are there and they love me#they love me so much i'm not afraid#and i think about how nervous i've always been and how much i've wanted my parents to comfort me#to the extent that they did and the extent they never knew how to#and i think of being tucked into bed and kissed and i fall asleep and never wake up. warm and safe forever#which is a thought stemming more from fatigue than suicidal ideation... a desire to rest. to stop fighting the tide for a moment#but then of course thinking of how much we cried over sparky. how much i cried over him#and how much my family has cried for my sake... worrying about me...#how could i peacefully sleep if they're crying over the bed i'm lying in?#but then would their tears not be a comfort? a sign of their undying love?#and so the train of thought goes. unresolved and unending. that's all this post is#i hope you like it? question mark?
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Hey! I see you're into fragile/higgs ship and caught myself quite like them too recently (tho i've been in DS fandom already for a year and mostly thought about them as a friends)
Just wondering why do you like them? Do you have any headcanons/interesting thoughts? I'm very curious 👀
Hi! First of all apologies for the wall of text you're about to get, but unfortunately you came knocking at my door after I spent nearly two months ruminating about this ship basically by myself sooo I'm dumping it all here
Well the short (lol) version is that in my first playthrough I mostly just absorbed the characters and storyline, but by the time I got to their final scene on the Beach I was like wait a minute... their whole shared storyline feels way too loaded for them to simply have been business associates, that shit is personal, even Higgs wanting to damage Fragile feels way too pointed to just be justified by "he was a turncloak with a secret agenda." Now, I'm not against a "they were simply close friends" interpretation, it works just as well to explain the emotional weight of their falling out, BUT I also cannot ignore the zest, the flavor, the spice of them actually having been involved romantically at some point. And honestly going into my second playthrough with the shipping goggles on I can't help thinking that Fragile speaks about Higgs like he was an ex that hurt her, and the way that she is suspiciously cagey about the specifics of their relationship makes my ears shoot up like a German shepherd.
On a Doylist level I also find it interesting that Kojima gave Higgs extra backstory that connects him to Fragile in the Director's Cut, and also how the behind the scenes for the DS2 mocap show Troy and Léa sharing a scene... I think Kojima is not done intertwining their story and we'll get more info in the sequel.
Now for the headcanons... I have enough that I might or might not be writing a long-ish fic about it, but I want to finish this Director's Cut playthrough before completing it (I could just look stuff up on the wiki but that's not fun). Also I have some art in the pipeline about it that I hope to post within the week. Anyway, the bite sized version of how I envision their relationship:
I hc Higgs as being immediately attracted to Fragile but not really acting on it, while she develops her attraction after getting to know him a little. Then she's down bad but she doesn't even realize it until it's so obvious it hits her in the face
A few people at their joint Fragile Express/whatever Higgs' operation was called co-op assume they are an item long before anything ever happens, because they just hang out together a lot. They have a similar penchant for corny jokes and puns and enjoy some light banter; Fragile finds Higgs' flair for theatrics endearing, while he is drawn to how gentle she is because he has known so little softness in his life (also he thinks she's insanely pretty, which duh. It's self evident because Léa Seydoux) (it's his first serious girl crush anyway; I hc him as bi and as having had mostly experiences with men before her)
They bond over their DOOMS condition and Higgs is fascinated by Fragile's powers, while she is less enthused by all the collateral effects. In my hc, at this point she has yet to become as skilled at traveling through dimensions as she is in the game, which makes her reluctant to agree to Higgs' requests to show him the Beach. This sows the seeds of his resentment towards her, because he feels she has a privilege she doesn't make use of and doesn't want to share.
They are both pretty touchy feely (canon!) so when their relationship goes from friendly to romantic it gets physical immediately and enthusiastically. Yes even accounting for the worldwide lowered sex drive. If there's one thing I never do is put characters in horny jail 🫡
I think Fragile got to know a version of Higgs that was quite different from what we see in the game, which you sort of can gauge from the more optimistic pages of his diary. Like there's a part of him who's starved for love and connection and a sense of belonging and gravitates towards people like Coffin (he never had a mother) and Fragile herself; ironically, the pull towards Amelie answers to the same need but in reality it feeds on his more nihilistic, call-of-the-void side. I'm not saying that Amelie brainwashed him or anything, but I think she saw what was already there – a deep seated resentment towards a hostile world and towards those he feels got handed a luckier deal than he did, that he countered by clinging to the notion of being special because of his DOOMS, but then there's someone like Fragile who's even more special and doesn't seem to be doing much with it. Amelie gave him a chance to fulfill what he felt was his potential and shared her power with him, but the tradeoff was severing the connections he had, "killing" the part of him that wanted to be loved to make space for what he perceived as a higher form of love ("I found someone who completes me" which he says to Fragile specifically like he wants to rub it in her face? Like she wasn’t enough to fulfill that role?)
That’s why I think it’s significant that he lost his hands with his power-up, because the (holding, welcoming) hands are strongly associated with Fragile; and to me it makes sense if he purposely ruins her body also because it’s a way to stifle his attraction to her. There’s also a lot of projection because HE is the one who’s felt like damaged goods all along, who grew up being crushed psychologically and physically. I also think that both of them coming close to annihilating the other but choosing not to – leaving them in a dicey situation but not entirely without escape – shows in some twisted way that their bond still exists, which makes me giggle and rub my hands like a nasty little goblin knowing we have another game coming.
So… That’s the gist of it. Sorry for rambling on but as I said, I don’t really get the chance to talk about this ship much – greetings from rarepair hell, etc.
#replies#death stranding#fragile x higgs#higgs x fragile#greetings from rarepair hell#embarrassing amounts of mental real estate have been allocated to this... The mental illness is in full display i fear#i dunno they just make so much sense. to me#and i just enjoy the inherent tragedy of it all because i love to make myself suffer
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#what do i like to do on my days off? my body hurts and im consumed by grief#and fear and contemplations on the nature of death#its not entirely bad tho. i have a morbid fascination with such things so its not like it makes me extremely anxious#its more like im staring directly into the void despite the madness it may bring#mayhaps its not healthy but all my favorite things make me sad. there is beauty to be found in sad things#but still the fear is creeping in as we near 2 weeks until the semester starts bc i dont kno if i can do it.#i just feel like ive broken something beyond repair and i dont kno if i can do this anymore. or is that just a story im telling myself?#thats less fun. it feels like im bracing for pain. its the same feeling i would get whe#when i was coming home from breaks of school. its the reason ive spent so much time crying on airplanes. everything still feels like such#a mess and im afraid#i just want to draw until my hand hurts#unrelated
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got thoroughly yelled at by my parents (well. mostly my father. as per usual.) Again over a monetary situation and really just barely grasping for any justification to not suck it up and kms already .Only reason im having a panic attack instead of actually doing anything is he was so mad he wouldnt even finish a conversation with me just hung up so I didnt get chewed out half as much as normal but I Know its still coming eventually. no helping it when he gets apocalyptic like this. and I was finally having a slightly better time these past couple days too. whatever karmic law I've offended please just take me now I am not stable enough for any of this. If you want me back in the cycle of reincarnation hurry up and commit Im so deeply over this death by a thousand cuts shit
#j.txt#im just. so so so unbelievably tired. how is this my only way to live. just keep forking over money to try to appease everyone#until I starve and not even be able to talk to anyone about it bc therapy costs too much and its fucking embarrassing to boot.#I dont know what to do anymore. how do I fix it how do I earn the right to be Left Alone why do I never learn to sidestep the pitfalls#whats so horribly wrong with me that even thinking of explaining myself paralyzes me with genuine mortal fear#to the point that I Wish it were actually a life or death decision. at least when I fail it would be easier#sui mention#vent
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My therapist hasn't killed me yet 👍
#unfortunately i actually. like i had so much to say that i couldn't get an in-depth response#sometimes that happens.#so like. not a negative 'oh you are going to die badly if this continues' reaction. just very thoughtful like#'oh... yeah... that's heavy. but it makes sense' response. which is. honestly. i feel better#even just w that. like. coming from the insane paranoia jumping to conclusions thought crime religion#one million guilt one million years. and also something Wrong w you. die. one thousand deaths#like. it's maybe gonna be okay. maybe i can explore heavier topics w care and consideration#without being shot on sight. or at v least knowing that if i am. i'm not necessarily The Problem here#feels. like an oversimplification. but you know. you know how it can be.#never ever ever wanna get into discourse though. ever. idk if it's irrational but i have always had an intense fear#that someday i'm gonna post something and then get lolcow'd to death.#like. it's not just my upbringing i don't think. it's the whole culture surrounding certain fandom spaces#which is honestly why i don't even consider myself a fandom blog. i'm an autism blog.#you get whatever i'm fixated on. forever. and nearly 100% of the time it's askr siblings#idk i also just think it sucks. that you need to have 'valid' reasons to explore certain subjects#which firstly require you to be a victim and secondly requires you to be a perfect victim.#which puts people in terrible spots where like. what is this a confession booth. i wasn't even cathlolic. get OUT of here!!!!#sorry i still have a lot of Feelings. about it. and ultimately that's what it is. i have a lot of very intense Feelings#they are my own. to protect. to process. i don't want to get confrontational about it. that's stupid.#already this feels like a confession of guilt. is it the christianity? is it the way some online spaces just Are?#i don't know. all i know is i want to make art. it means so much to me. to say what i need to say.#and to be heard. that's been the craziest part. all these things i've been terrified of. but sometimes. i'm heard.#idk idk idk. no more emotional vulnerability. ass hurt. done.
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I'm sorry if I had worried anyone yesterday ... I didn't mean to ...
I think I even kinda regret having worried my sister because I asked for little help which she couldn't do so got worried ...
I then called my friend after that which was very late at night 3AM .... she got also worried cuz I never ever did that ...
I hate this .... I really do .... because I do know none can help me in this, it's my own battle so why worry them
Wanted to vent here for a bit and I'm sorry if made someone worry ...
#I guess in a way I no longer know what to do ....#I'm not broken mentally yet nor will I allow negativity to take over ... but my body is different matter .... 🙄#but I think I'm emotionally tired since this draining me out too much#you know .... I may never have said it to anyone cuz they'll take it way too negatively and would think I'm being pessimistic 🤷♀️#but I did consider many times that this health of mine might kill me one day .. logically speaking mind you#it isn't 0% nor do I mind it much if that's my fate ... more than death I fear dying without getting what I really want in this life ....#wait .... did I make things sound grim ? uhh .. I really don't mean it to sound so ...#that's why I never want to talk about it since people might feel sad or pity me hahaha#I don't pity myself ... pitying oneself would only make you suffer more so rather than that just smile and count your blessing 🩵#in the end it all depends how you see things ... your view of them can save you or harm you#being cheerful and thinking positively doesn't mean to deny your other emotions or that your not allowed to show weakness or such ...#let them out so that you can stay strong and smile afterward ...#the trick is to not let them control you or dominate your life or yourself ...#allow yourself to be weak and cry that's fine ... your human after all so why deny human's natrual ?#ah but if you wanna do it with someone pick the right person to show this to ... sadly most people is self-centertic#I'll stop here ... need a rest#may you all and your loved ones never have any hardship in life and be happy :)
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the song take me apart by syml makes me feel insane every time i listen to it because it’s literally so tai sui
#like is this not xi ping and/or zhou ying#im abt to start tearing up fr#i need a restraining order#the song itself is so hauntingly beautiful much like the process of xi ping’s hidden bones situation#being used to the feeling of quite literally getting torn apart#while also facing an internal turmoil of whether or not he should keep going and the dilemma of how everything would play out#but most importantly#those ending lines#i was the foolish man#living to fight again#BUT DYING TO FIND THE END#WAAAAAAUGHHHRHRHRHHR#LIKE THE WAY HES GONE THROUGH SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF DEATHS#BOTH METAPHORICALLY AND LITERALLY#ESP THE DEATH OF HIS IDENTITY AND THE WAY HE DESPERATELY TRIES TO CLING ONTO IT#AND IT ALL PAID OFF IN THE END BUT AT WHAT COST!!!#nahhhhh and don’t even get me started on the parts that i associate with zhou ying#i gotta kill myself#one day i will make structured and coherent thoughts on those two#but that day is not today i fear#it’s peak#tai sui
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being extroverted must be awesome imagine feeling nothing after telling someone "wow youre REALLY quiet". im going to talk less around you now 🫶
#i know i got anxiety like a motherfucker and as much as i love my cave where my objects of comfort are i also like going places sometimes#there was a time where id go to a store and then do what i needed and then exit the store#nowadays i find myself yapping at The Store especially if i need help getting something done. etc#also sometimes people at Places are such dicks the best way to get them to fuck off is to mind your own business#assholes need an audience and people who arent assholes wont demand your attention you feel me?#i am less scared of people these days 👍 the interactions however#scripting is at times my friend and also my flop. i know what to say on what days with select people in my kingsley-safe zones#but if anything goes off script ... flop. meltdown. fear. anguish. death. dying. death.#i feel like these kinda conversations get TOO heavy handed on treating introverted people as these self righteous misanthropes#who are too full of their own selves and their own time to want to reach out and build connections#and i feel like its just unfair and it pushes introverts further into their caves#i aint a fucking doctor nor am i a people expert. im not a people person. i dont trust easily and i dont speak unless spoken to#or unless im on tumblr lol#but i do know that it cannot seriously be helpful to NOT help socially awkward people. where do yall get off on calling anyone immature#for not being 100% type a?#that doesnt make anything better. that doesnt encourage conversations and that for fucking sure doesnt encourage people#to step out of their bubble#ok im mostly rambling because there are times where tough love advice is warranted but there are times where its bullying disguised as TL#i know this is the 'ummm why dont you have friends party and socialize more???' website but idk. it could not be!#anyway proud of myself for not freaking the fuck out during a conversation at the collectors store today#proud of myself for being able to goof off in public and proud of myself for staying the fuck home when i wann stay the fuck home
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Hmmm I kinda want to make a side blog for RPG Maker game development related things to be able to talk to more experienced people in that community, but at the same time I both don’t really think I’d get much attention and don’t want to accidentally spoil my own game (^^ ; ).
I have a rough story, concept doodles, a tileset, some character sprites, an enemy that walks around but can’t initiate battle yet (if I even decide to have a battle system), a couple rooms with some events, and a functioning run button, but I’m still lost on how to do much else at the moment. Especially since this program has the ability for scripting, meaning I’ll probably have to learn and actually retain another coding language.
So, I’m not very far at all lol. Idk how well that’d go over on the established fandom website, but eh.
#text post#incoherent rambling#project update#game project#I’m still also debating whether or not I can actually even make a proper horror game too#It’s the rule of like just being a horror fan doesn’t make you good at horror being afraid of something does? ya know?#I am trying to go with things that scare me personally but it’s been difficult#either things aren’t concrete of concepts enough or are wayyyy too oddly specific to make anything about#which is quitter talk I know but how does one translate the childhood heebee jeebees of watching top ten gaming videos past bedtime 💀💀💀#or like the way too broad general fear of lack of control without making it too on the nose or too vague#truly a balancing act writing is#kinda ironically I am also a little bit less afraid of hospitals after having been to one for myself rather than family members#which makes things both more and less difficult???#on one hand I have better references for them now but on the other hand I’m desensitized to it 😔#I think I get used to things a little too easily for a lot of things to stay scary#the thing was a scary movie the first time I saw it and now it’s a comfort film#funger was a very scary game until I first died and reloaded a save with little consequence and now it’s just a spooky but fun rpg#but then at the same time thinking about a movie studio logo before a movie that scared me as a kid cause there was a monster in it#still gives weird left over shivers but actually seeing it doesn’t anymore for some reason#I feel like that’s how it’s worked with most things I’ve ever been afraid of in my life besides concepts like death control or idk drowning#ugh writing is HARD#but actually making a functional and fun to play game is harder oh my god do I not know how to make puzzles#I have made swivel chairs that can be knocked and walked over but that’s about it and idk what to do with that knowledge lmaooooo#and I don’t want the entire gameplay loop to be read text search room get key repeat cause that’s boring#I have also desperately tried making a stamina system but there’s not much help with that online especially not in the rpg maker forums#the no necroposting rule sucks all the threads for questions I have never get answered and never will cause no one is allowed to due to age#anyway idk what to tag this probably won’t get seen since it’s not my usual anyway but eh whatever I’ll think about this#hopefully I remember the passwords to two blogs 💀💀💀
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So. Attack on Titan ended
YES AND I CANT TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE I DID NOT REREAD OR REWATCH OR VIEW THE FINALE AT ALL DURING THE WHOLE MONTH I SAID I WOULD
also this is the best possible way you could have formatted that message
#I didn’t watch Spy x Family either 😭😭😭#to be fair to myself however#I’ve been preoccupied with totally changing my lifestyle to shrink my gallstone#which has come with not a little bit of fear and anxiety and panic but when I was at my parents’ for Thanksgiving my ma gave me a talking to#about not being afraid of my food and my body#and she would know because she had life-threatening cancer#so I was pretty much able to forget I was sick while I was there#then I learned that coming home and being alone with one’s thoughts makes one 10x more aware of one’s own body#but now I’m a month out from the attack that put me in the ER I’ve remembered that pain is not the end of the world#AND the doctor gave me hydrocodone for if it comes back so#ANYWAYS. I’ve also been training the new clerk and she seems to have never used a computer before#so very little time for anime BUT I have been thinking about commonalities between Attack on Titan and Euripides’ Bacchae#and in light of current foreign affairs (particularly Kissinger’s death and the reactions to it)#etc etc#mobile#SNK#x#DID *YOU* WATCH IT?
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Can't sleep brain too full of death
#sfw#personal#ok to reblog#so uh Fiona and Cake spoilers but#there's a lot of death and almost all of it always happened and never unhappened and I'm not ok actually#the universe where the Lich succeeded... if you don't blink you can see it happen#and then there was nothing nothing in the universe Everything Died#and then BMO... even without thinking about how horrifying it would be happening to flesh that's gonna haunt me...#Vampire world introduces itself with Simon's rotting corpse which remains even in present time#The Star... whose servants TEAR THEIR OWN HEADS OFF IN FEAR OF HER#and everyone died like it was nothing#I love this show so much but the death... all the meaningless death...#I'm too far removed from the idea of the narrative I'm too deep in the universe I can't see it as plot I see it as though I lived it myself#“so don't watch things you know will be upsetting you” unfortunately I love these characters and it was worth the pain of watching#I need to sleep please let me leave these thoughts and process my feelings later when I'm not alone and eating my own sleep time#please#Fiona and Cake spoilers#spoilers#cw death#tw death
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