#to my most mentally unsound

[ohsweetflips]

does anyone want to guess what i just did to neve with my own really stupid decision

[probablydinosaurs]

five joking about his life or throwing it in their faces makes the siblings uneasy. they cant FATHOM it and it hurts. tbh i feel once they aren't all in such danger and ignoring his warnings and ring leader like behavior , they would slowly start spoiling him a bit. he wouldn't notice at all at first but over time, he gets a deep sense that everyone pities him but he cant place it. he'd start denying any hand outs or good will bc he doesn't want to be seen as a headcase that needs coddling. and i think different siblings are in different camps if u put "baby" and "old man" on a sliding scale. none of these are like extreme stances, more just the vibes they feel from five.

Luther: old man 80% bc hes the only one that see's five's "older" self and can 100% say. same guy no changes. mentally unsound…. but like five stated in that whole fiasco, Luther has daddy issues and cant like. see that old man in such a young man. Luther has 1 half a brain cell. his need to nod and agree to every old man he listens to illnesses wont allow it. so he weirdly flip flops. he also develops the habit of trying to pick five up to calm him down, witch ends very poorly each time.

Diego: protective brother energy. cant fathom his brother got THAT much trauma in him. and is older then him. 13 years of being all the same age. 13 years of sharing the same birthday. and now well everyone ages up together, five is in his own corner being like 67 well the rest are like mm idk math 40 something. Diego just cant…think that far. denial. every time he thinks he's used to this old man or starts seeing him as the same age as everyone, five info dumps about the inner workings of a specific gun or the how good the wine in the celler will be 37 years exactly from now and to wait…Diego just mentally reboots.

Allison: baby camp. didn't take him very seriously back in the day either bc his ego is the size of a watermelon. and oh look the lil guy thinks bc he has more life behind him then us, he thinks he's the smartest one here. yeah right. she makes him his coffee when he wakes up or folds his Landry bc she needs to do hers and he forgot to take his out. five just thinks shes being passive aggressive but its more "if i don't then he might hurt himself or mumbling to himself about how forgetful he has become and i do NOT want to here that right how. il just do it. " tough love babying. five sometimes lets her brush his hair when he's in a bad state of mind.

klaus: depends on the day. he is the one who tease him about his height the most. i think Klaus tries to pinch his cheeks at least once a day and nearly got a blade through his hand at attempt # 23. but he also is second one that weirdly respects him the most. complementing how happy he looks DUE to his retirement and not just in general. likes buying him the stuffiest old man clothes ever from off the road and down an alley thrift shops, thinking everyone would find them silly but five like. genuinely adores them and borderlines on feeling the want to hug him but neh. too stubborn. almost though. witch is rare. five will never admit that he thinks Klaus has a good fashion sense.

ben: the brother that ruffles his hair the most. the two that severed the family. they have a unspoken energy about them. you don't mention my death, i wont bring up your past deal. Ben doesn't really care anyway. on the "i got my brother back, that's all that matters." camp with viktor. fuels five's need to bicker on topics. their hard ass but still playful energy balances each other out. is the one that tells klaus that the clothes he picks out for five is too much and he will hate them but gets surprised every time five likes them. riiight right. he wouldn't have the tastes as the 13 year old i remember him as. he downs scotch like a mad lad. gotta remember that.

viktor: leader of the "he could have come back to us as an acorn like dad warned and id still keep him in my pocket." camp. just happy to have his favorite sibling back. though they admit five also being the most open with him makes him uneasy. he wants to listen about the past 45 years but it can be very existential for viktor. five understands and lets him breath if its too much. (stealing this from this post) i feel like five owns and somehow still has on him a very worn and well loved copy of viktor's book. with notes and highlights scribbled in them. the cover fell off and five sewn it back on then poorly laminated it with the commission's laminating machine . viktor would cry if he saw it. full blown meltdown together.

[canichangemyblogname]

Woah, woah, woah, woah. Let’s not start pointing the finger at any demographic besides white people, and especially white men, for the US election results. Trump saw no meaningful increase in support among marginalized communities. He was predicting that Black men would come out in force for him. That did not happen. Let’s not be blaming anyone other than the whites in a majority-white country for electing a racist. Let’s not blame anyone other than the whites for a campaign—and now presidential administration—fueled by racial animus.

He wins because he says the quiet part out loud. He wins because he “refuses to be PC” about the “Mexicans taking over the country” and “Black crime in the cities.” (Put in quotations because these aren’t my ideas; I do not own them or hold them.) Don’t forget what country you live in: The United States, a country more than happy to shove Japanese Americans into concentration camps, mass deport Latino American citizens, enslave and impoverish Black people through plantations and sharecropping and the prison industrial complex, genocide Indigenous groups, and lie to bomb Arabs in South West Asia. This is the country that inspired Fascism.

Trump *is* representative of the soul of America: an unstable racist, misogynist, cheat, grifter, and liar. Blame gerrymandering. Blame vote suppression. Blame Harris’ short election cycle because a white man’s ego got in the way. Blame inflation. Blame the Billionaire class and the money they POURED into Trump’s reelection. Blame housing prices. Blame corporate greed and the way it has driven a cost of living crisis. Blame the fact that most Americans think tariffs are taxes on foreign countries. Blame a lack of class consciousness and the fact that most Americans believe that poor people should be taxed and rich people not because of “wealth paternalism,” the feudal-inspired idea that the wealthy “take care” of the poor and give them jobs. Blame the fact the US culture hates women and other gender minorities more than it loves an economy in recovery. Blame the lack of jobs in traditional blue collar fields due to an ongoing technological revolution; companies are investing in different technology, and someone’s uncle Joe got lost behind when the ol’ plant closed and DJT is the only one who promised to bring those traditional jobs back (he won’t, he can’t). Blame celebrity culture and the fact Americans love a showman. Blame the fact that DJT is a reaction against the social progresses in this country that make every white boy and his white mother “uncomfy,” from voting rights for non-whites to marriage equality. Blame ableism and COVID resentment, as Americans hate being told what to do (unless that law targets a specific minority group), and many believe the weak must be culled. Blame the fact that most Americans are Christian Zionists who believe that Israel must exist to usher in the second coming of Jesus, and DJT has been dubbed “America’s first Zionist President.” Blame unsound Democratic political strategy that long alienated the core of their traditional base: blue collar whites. Blame hyper-individualism and the “fuck you, I got mine” mentality. But for the love of fuck, I better not see y’all Tumblr libs blaming Black people and trans women for this shit (I have, that’s why I made this post).

[aboheadcannonsandmore]

Once mated, could you unmate? If so? How?

Hello, yes you can unmate. The details of how depend on the writer really.

Traditionally, a mate was a one time thing; it couldn’t be undone. This was a life partner that was being chosen and that wasn’t something that could change later. The only reason a mating could be undone was through death, which in most AUs would leave some lingering scent/pain in the partner that was still living.

In some more non-traditional AUs, a mating bite specifically was transient. The bite needed to be redone every so often to continue the bond. This meant the bond could slowly dissipate either by accident or my choice. When the bond disappeared altogether, sometimes there would be a lingering feeling of missing something and sometimes there would be no difference from before the mating even took place.

In between the two lines of thoughts, there is the idea that you can undo a mating that is no longer wanted but at a price. The price could range from surgical modification to the threat of death. In some AUs, this is seen as taboo and something only the mentally unsound do. This type of unbonding is relatively rare because it involved som non-con because one party is normally forced to do something in these situations.

[captain-of-silvenar]

F, G, H, M, and S for the fanfic asks!!!! <3333

Hi Bishop! Thanks for the ask!

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

From Chapter 2 of First Impressions, referencing Yera wanting to go into the abandoned Raven Rock Mines:

“And what's to say the opposite? Maybe there is something lurking in the mines that caused it to close off and no one's been able to find out. Maybe just one last look around will be our luck instead.”

“Says someone who sounds like they want a cave-in. I thought you hired me to be a guide?” Teldryn asked.

“As you are, and I am putting my trust in you right now that you're the mer for the job and will keep me safe. So how is an old and empty mine anymore dangerous than a cave we'll explore later outside the Bulwark?”

He wasn't going to fall for this, this had to be a kind of test. His judgment couldn’t have been this wrong to tie himself to someone willing to go blindly - literally! - into an old mining shaft abandoned for nearly a century just for fun. No, he was putting his foot down like he's done before and holding his ground.

“If you need me to spell it out for you, I will,” he started. “Who knows how long those walls have eroded away and are structurally unsound at this point. And if we ignore that, I'm sure all those nooks and crannies are filled with all sorts of skeever or whatever beasts crawled their way in from the outside. Should we get in a cave-in but survive then we’d have no way of getting back out on account of the fact there’s only one way inside. You can try to convince me, sera, but there is no way I am getting anywhere near those mines or Azura help me-”

* * *

"But mark my words, these mines hold a secret that could put Raven Rock back on the map."

I enjoyed writing this scene for a few reasons. The comedic timing of cutting way to Yera absolutely dragging Teldryn toward the mines was too good an opportunity to pass up.

And also it showed the kind of personality Yera has to the audience at the moment. Maybe reckless, maybe over confident, but self assured in her own worth to speak of it jokingly in the face of Teldryn giving actual advise about risks.

Plus it's funny to put characters in situations. Always put your characters in situations, it's for enrichment.

G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?

I very much write out of order. I've tried writing from start to finish a lot in my life and I always get stuck and never get to the scene I want to write. So I just learned to skip right to the part I want to write the most and then backtrack to see if I can make it fit.

Most of the time I can, sometimes it just doesn't work but words written down are better than lost in your mind.

H: How would you describe your style?

I would say that I'm very scene orientated. I like to set the stage and describe the feeling of an area before jumping into it. I also do like a character focus perspective and how they interpret things through their own lens.

What might be overlooked by one character, another would latch onto and mentally describe it for the audience to understand what makes the character tick or gleeful.

I'm also always open to trying out different things and seeing how it works out. I've always written just for myself but I'm working on breaking out of it and sharing my work online, just to get a new experience.

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?

I might've spoken about it in the tags of another post, but I got this fic with a Maormer/Mermaid brewing in the back. Mermaids were my childhood obsession so I just revived it and now it's half of what I think of these days, haha.

Another is this really strange and angsty/whump fic I have between Yera and Miraak. Of a premise where he wins, absorbs her soul, and the consequences of eating another soul that eats other immortal souls. What happens when two of them are placed in one body? Bad things I'll tell you!

And one I do have published but hasn't been updated in a few years is The Telvanni Master fic on Ao3. It follows my character Lorana Alithar and how she is viewed by several characters with different degrees of familiarity. Writing a story about her, without ever having her speak as the main voice. Really fun!

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

Enemies to lovers; bodyguards to lovers; found family; star-crossed lovers; a lot of romantic tropes haha.

When it comes to fandom tropes, I'm actually not quite versed in them or I kind of ignore them. Comes with the territory of just sitting in your own writing and not really delving deep into the fandom territory.

But a good trope where a character has to self-reflect and evaluate themselves against new information is tasty and good to explore.

ask meme can be found here!

[spoonmagister]

Extreme Prejudice

I was going to the most confusing place in the world and I didn’t even know it yet. Way down Azura’s Coast, to the end of the Telvanni isles, the path like roots that led straight to Therana. It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of the wizard lord Therana’s clothing any more than being back in Sadrith Mora was an accident. There is no way to tell my own story, without telling a bit of hers.

The looming fungal tower of Tel Branora rose out of the sea like a great living lighthouse. Yet this beacon did not signal safety, but rather chaos. It was easy enough to ascend given my magical talents, yet comprehending what I found inside was more challenging.

Scamps in various states of life and death were strewn about the chambers. Large kwama eggs were arranged in patterns, stuck to walls, and rolled across the floor endlessly. A wooden table hosted a perfect circle of eggs around its perimeter. Curiously, I was unable to grasp these eggs, both physically and mentally. The guards seemed to not know where they were posted, and — by my assumption — no one here was actually in charge.

A bewildered-looking Bosmer wandered the halls, and approached me as though he wanted me to ask him a question. I did.

“Could I..speak with Lady Therana?”

“Hey, mer, you don’t talk to the Lady. You listen to her. She’s enlarged my mind. She’s a poet mage in the classic sense. Sometimes she’ll…well, I’ll say ‘hello’ to her, and she’ll just float right by. She won’t even notice. Suddenly she’ll grab you, throw you in a corner with telekinesis and she’ll say ‘did you know that SPY is the first sound in SPIDER?’ I mean I’m not, I can’t, I’m a little mer. I’m a little mer and she’s a GREAT mer! I should’ve been a set of glossy legs skittering across floors of silent eggs…”

He glanced up a levitation shaft before losing his balance and falling onto an egg.

“No, no, no, no, no, no…It should’ve been me. This isn’t how the egg is supposed to crack, mer.

***

Therana, the Telvanni lord, was at once imposing and unassuming. Her chambers were simple, yet chaotic. A small fireplace consumed a pile of books while a naked Khajiit watched in silence.

Therana brushed her robes back with her hands, and then spoke before I could introduce myself.

“Did they say, Trerayna, why they want you to terminate my command?”

“I… beg your pardon,” I asked, attempting to not appear confused.

“Classified, is it? They didn’t tell you?”

“They told me you requested new clothes, and that your methods were… unpredictable.”

“Are my methods unpredictable?” She blinked in a way that seemed to make noise. Behind us, an egg casually rolled down the hall towards the levitation shaft. Moments later, the Bosmer began wailing again.

“I don’t see any methods at all, my Lady.”

“Are you an assassin? Are you here to feed the spiders?”

“I’m a mage and Telvanni Retainer, and I’m looking for answers.”

Therana grasped the wrapped clothing from my hands via telekinesis and flung them onto the ground by the Khajiit. His pupils widened.

“Answers? I have answers for you. Did I say answers? I meant eggs. Same thing really. Good girls can’t have spiders for pets, Therana. Good girls can’t answer questions with eggs, Therana. Thats what they said, and now they’re gone.”

I may appear unsound for not walking out of Tel Branora immediately. But what I was beginning to understand, and what I believe few others do, is that the occupants of this reality live and act according to unseen scripts. It was clear to me from the start that Lady Therana possessed no such script. This is why I did not walk out, and this is why I took the path I did from this point onward.

“I will not say these things, Lady Therana,” I said barely above a whisper. “I do want answers.”

“Good. Wait! You’re not that fool, Trerayna Dalen, are you? She’s waiting outside to kill me. I won’t go out there anyway, so it is no problem. My guard captain won’t stop talking about it though. He is a too-tall mer, like you. He’s covered in armor, but you’ll see him on account of him being too tall. Perhaps you can help him deal with his problem. Then perhaps we can talk as friends-who-are-spiders talk to their spider friends.”

I bowed my head slightly, and as I began to withdraw from the room, Therana called out to me once more.

“Have you seen my Cat? My Ra’Zahr?”

The Khajiit behind her unsuccessfully attempted to become invisible.

[mincedpeaches]

rvb19 post

So I’m writing this post without looking at a single other person’s post about the season so my thoughts may solidify more after this and even change a little bit, because a lot of times people are better at putting into words and meta my own thoughts that I’m not as good at articulating. But at the immediate aftermath. I’m like. It’s fine? I suppose? And I think I will sour more on it over time. Maybe even by the end of this post. I definitely would not call it good. The best way I can describe it was:

It was a collection of scenes.

And you might say, what? For years Red vs Blue was a collection of scenes, the show was broken up into five minutes episode chunks! And I would say yes, but also it was masterful in that those episodes felt like they were woven well into a complete story too. This felt like it had story beats that it wanted to hit in the script (Tucker!Meta, Sarge Dies, Tex and Carolina in cool (“cool”) fight scene) and did it without regard to character. Except the Grimmons scene after Sarge died and Wash/Doc bit. Which I’ll get to later.

The info dumps were odd, it felt like the first ten minutes clearly wanted to remind us of some things (in case we forgot I guess), but took other things at face value (479er+freelancer cameos for example). If you think about the plot for more than five minutes I think breaks apart easily (why did the Reds+Caboose end up at bases again after Chorus, why/how did Tucker leave with all the AI, why did Epsilon leave messages for the reds and blues instead of CAROLINA)

Also going back to story beats w/r/t to character, I think it also really failed to expand on anything that the previous seasons had laid down. It’s always been a tall order after the character arcs of Chorus, but the bits where the Reds didn’t help Caboose and then did after re-consideration felt like going through the motions at this point. So it definitely wasn’t a funny gag, and since they’ve done that SO many times before it almost felt cruel to have the Reds refuse to help at first. The conclusion at the end of series, wasn’t really informed by anything done HERE. In this movie. I mentioned in my liveblog I was having trouble articulating this, and I still am. I’m kind of hoping someone will put this into words better than me.

Tucker!Meta might as well have been a completely different guy for how much it informed the story. There was the one bit where he lets Caboose get away, that’s it. Otherwise he had a COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS evil laugh and mannerisms for NO REASON and it sucked. If this was supposed to contrast with Tucker for angst reasons it didn’t work. Meta’s entire thing was he was huge, threatening, non-verbal, and was mentally unsound from so many AI. WHY would having all the AIs coalesce into this mustache twirling thing.  I liked the scene where the AIs are piloting the ship and they’re all talking while Tucker is groggy. THAT was suitably creepy and threatening. I could not take Meta!Tucker seriously most of the time.

And then since they had so many guys gone by the campfire scene (Tucker trapped as the villain, Donut not there with no explanation ever, Lopez missing after his first scene(where did he go?), Epsilon dead (still), Sarge dead (newly), Carolina not there with no explanation, Wash not there with no explanation, AND not to mention different Caboose voice actor) the reminiscing felt a little hollow.  Its like a metaphor for the state of Rooster Teeth when they were working on this lmao. Same with the scene when Grif and Simmons go to confront Tucker!Meta, it felt kind of hollow with just the two guys. That worked a tiny bit better because it was supposed to be sadder, but then the save in the form of Carolina & Tex wasn’t as character driven either. Remember scenes like the season 8 Meta fight, the Season 10 rescue of Carolina, or the final shot of Season 13. The entire team come to together, not just for the cool action scene, but as character conviction (Sarge’s speech, choosing to help Carolina, choosing to help the people of Chorus).

Okay this is already getting a little long and ramble-y and its getting VERY late right now. Let’s take it a step back and bullet point the Pros and Cons.

BAD:

NO DONUT. Why was Donut not there. If he couldn’t be there for voice actor scheduling reasons, why wasn’t his character acknowledged in a way that was good and respectful and made sense at all. First it’s the gay angels now it’s the gay simulation troopers. I can’t win.

GRIMMONS SEPARATION. FUCK. ESPECIALLY after I was cock teased with the “come with me”. God.

Wheres the fucking post. The found family FUCKING post. Hold on I'm reblogging it before I post this. To be linked here.

Carolina was done dirty in terms of getting no screen time and her character beat(ish) deferring to making Wash feel better. Man. I really thought she was gonna be involved here. This was a CHORUS follow up.

The action was soooo whatever. Budget who. But this wasn’t really BAD bad. It was just like. Sure this is there and happening I guess. I was never one for the action in rvb though.

OKAY:

Wash angst was good, had a throughline, BUT it was at the expense of not having him interact with the Reds and Blues and also Carolina should have got some of that. Getting serious flashbacks to Seasons 9 & 10 where Carolina was shafted in this department as well.

There were a number of jokes that I laughed at. You may think that this is a given for rvb but remember we last came off rvb zero. Also the teaser that had humor that was really off. So I am happy that there were jokes that I could laugh at.

Sarge death scene was good, especially in a vacuum. I think it would have struck better if the buildup and stakes had been better (collection of scenes….) but it was still good.( <- This may be the emotions talking. TBD.)

The scene where they go back to bury Sarge at Blood Gulch. VERY GOOD. I think the best scene in the whole thing. THIS, more than the last scene of the entire series, felt like the goodbye to Red vs Blue. Then when Simmons offers to discharge Grif? Ten out of ten. Acting was happening here. Grimmons acting.

Tex showed up! Fun surprise. Feel like she could have been utilized better though (more character moments less action)

It’s past midnight and I can’t think of any more things... but there may be more. Time to sleep on this. And reblog posts.

I will stand by my summary though: It was a collection of scenes.

[innerangeltoadlover]

12. Most people would think that diagnosis enables healing in the affected individual however that assumed relief is a double edged sword. However a relief medication may be on quieting an unquiet mind diagnosis also allows abuse to flourish because we are now ill and as such abuse is part of a fantasy of schizophrenia. In my case my sister whose intelligence is of the cunning variety would have viewed the diagnosis as an opportunity to carry out vindictive acts without fear of exposure. When one says such things to a psychiatrist however there comes the dreamy look of disbelief and lines such as , “ You should believe the universe is looking after you” ahem. When they say such things what they are in fact saying is , “ I have not experienced what you have and as such , you are ill” . The problem with seeing a psychiatrist is they are not exposed to the side of people which a mental illness can reveal. We all have an ugly side but when a person is jobless, unmarried and childless and generally disagreeable people will say unkind things . What I have found mostly is that we are shunned and eventually we don’t even bother attempting to be nice. Going for a walk and having my neighbour scream out “Get a job” as he drives by is just one example of the rubbish that we have to endure - of course if I had cancer I can imagine that I would receive regular donations of casseroles to make my journey easier. My current psychiatrist has picked me up on my attitude of being shunned as evidence of illness- because as she has told me - many people are alone and it shouldn’t impact me socially (how twee) and again I feel like I’m fighting to be heard. She is of course correct if she completely ignores the consequences that mental illness has on a sufferers ability to move through life with competence and how others view such incompetence. This is not some made up scenario but the fact that a psychiatrist cannot empathise with that experience because it is outside her own is troubling. So the world is once again a beautiful place and the awfulness I have experienced is a product of my mind. I can also guarantee that her circle of friends does not include schizophrenics. I mean why bother attending sessions if my psychiatrist actually believes bad things only come from unsound minds? Hello !

[falconemuses]

i'm hardly ever on this app anymore, and i guess it's also a good thing that no one IRL follows me on this app. it's a good place to shout into the void where i don't necessarily want IRL people seeing it, but also, just in case, there is a record somewhere, that people can find.

i.....don't know if there's something going wrong with my body. i was up to 300 pushups a day (with weights and dips interspersed). then one day something just - snapped. i was....feverish? in pain? for a while. then i thought i was better, but it's been weeks now and i still can't get above 150 without my heart hurting something fierce. i wake up in pain. i'm always tired.

i just got a new job but we don't get time off until after the 3 months of probation. even then sick leave needs to be certified by a doctor by 11am. i don't want to go to a doctor for many reasons. 1) maybe it's just nothing, in which case i will have wasted money and embarrassed myself. and that would actually be the best case scenario. but it's singapore and i'm transgender and autistic and no matter how much the government tries to pretend they are progressive and inclusive they are not, and i'll most likely get dismissed as a hypochondriac or mentally unsound. even if something is actually wrong. so i'll have wasted money just to be gaslit, slurred at, and then i might just - be screwed over anyway. so i don't want that.

i don't want to die, but i also don't....see a way out of....whatever my life is, other than death. i'll try to hold on as long as possible. building a lovely beachside villa in my mind and populating it with cats and sushi restaurants down the beach helps. i go in there whenever life gets too much, which is often. i guess i'm just - i don't want anyone IRL to worry about me, in the event that it really is nothing and a few good weeks of hard work will build my stamina back up, but in case it really is something and i don't get to say bye, then, well, someone will find this.

[hiroshotreplica]

more side order rambling and pointless speculation that will probably be incorrect

WARNING: im rambling and not really thinking about it TOO hard. also this is based on like 50 different theories that have a good chance of Not being true. also ignore grammar/spelling errors (im bad at writing)

i believe ive talked about how i think there could be a metaphor/straight up depiction of healing from traumatic situations and/or learning how to cope with mental health struggles in the game in the past? anyway im gonna do it Again

this kind of hinges off the belief that the octoling shown in the trailer is octarian/not from the splatlands (whatever the correct term is i forgot). if the octoling is from splatsville then uh whoopsie. this is Not Relevant and will age like milk. anyway

octarian society definitely has a lot of strife. especially when in the military. suddenly trying to enter inkopolis and being met with turf wars suddenly being for fun and almost a complete lack of strife has to be wayyyy too much for some octolings. ive mentioned this in a prior post though thats from the perspective that the sr octoling is agent 8 (which im hesitant to believe but this is not the main point for this post specifically) id just like this to be true to contrast with what i think will be a revolving point around marina

and yeah, thats my main point, i think marina will have stuff to work through, too. i dont think she'll be an antagonist, but rather someone who's doing the wrong things for the right reasons or someone who caused a bad situation (which ill just call the death of coral here) on accident while trying to help. she was in the military at a very young age and escaped to inkling society, but the stuff after final fest is what im thinking about.

i can really only bring up NOA dialogue (aside from one thing, if i can find the source for it), so this may be off, but i dont have the resources to look up a 100% authentic translation

the fest stressed her out, and she was very worried about the band breaking up. this is clear in dialogue

though of course pearl comforts her that this isnt the case, i wonder if that fear still lingers in her mind. im not too knowledgeable on marina's characterization (i heard NOA isnt either so, lol) but it seems in character. she definitely hasnt unpacked(? i believe that is the right word) the fear on screen as far as i can tell, though, and i think side order might be about that, a little.

what interests me most is this unused dialogue from if team order won, though:

of course its unused so it doesnt hold as much weight as canon dialogue, but i wonder if she'll hold a similar mentality. she has control, and she sees that she can shape the world. i dont fully agree with her changing everyone to be the same, since she later says this:

if she were to do anything, i think she'd change the world that may try to be like this, but something in it would be functionally unsound and cause the whole thing to break. im not sure if she even would in the first place but i can acknowledge the possibility. itd be ironic, shes good at building machinery but not building a utopia.

i dont think she needs to be saved in this scenario, i think its best if she were to save herself. but this is verrryyy speculative so i cant say much.

tangent aside. marina understanding and moving on/healing from her fears being compared to the protagonist octoling's own journey on recovering would be great. itd be even better with agent 8 in my opinion, since theyve clearly gone through Some Shit and definitely need therapy for it, but i dont want to speculate too much. im expecting all of this to be Wrong but i cant ignore that ive been thinking about it like this lol

[dinoswordsb]

and 50 (bennifer specific pls)

50: Talk about anything you want.

Ohhh man...ohhh man where do I even start.........

I typed this all out in a feverish state so ermmm read more ig LAWL! Also inviting @nt3000s to add anything, I didn't mention a lot in the grand scheme of things and also maybe misrepresented Jen I don't know but I will be mostly speaking about bens side I think. Either way this is a very broad overview bc I've never gotten the chance to even really dump about that

Also a couple things are mentioned in passing I want to mention namely sexual assault, self harm and suicide but none of this is really in any kind of detail

I always tag Bennifer with all this shit that sounds contradictory like they hate each other they're ripping each other apart but they love each other they're doomed to be together they're destined for it etc etc but you have to trust me. When I say it is literally all of those things.

Ben belongs to me and he is your typical tormented repressed transfag caught in the bonds of late 90s society and his conservative upbringing while Jennifer belongs to my Buddy I tagged up there is also a transfag but in a different direction and I think the best way I can summarize him is he seems insane but really all of it is calculated for everyone to hate him on purpose(and he is a nurse that kills people) and the thing about them is that they are doomed from the start and somehow when they come together that cancels out and they make it out of anything but their own lives alive(also they are silent hill ocs but like that. Barely even matters anymore)

I think the way this happens is they're entirely different at first glance but if you dig a little deeper they are exactly the fucking same in ways they can't imagine even if it manifests on opposite ends of a spectrum ex: Jen is always the center of attention while Ben cannot stand anyone even so much as looking at him most of the time, Jennifer harms others as a source of control while Ben only hurts himself(both of these behaviors manifest from a life filled with nothing but sorrow), Jen is terminally ill and is running on a ticking clock while Ben has a sound body but his mental illness is so debilitating he is looking for any way he can be dead without doing it himself(that is a sin)((he asks Jennifer to kill him and he can't do it)) and my personal favorite due to feeling like nothing but a body because of sexual assault Jen leans into it in a superficial way having sex as often as he can get away with Ben will lose his mind if somebody touches him beyond like. His hands or something. That's not even touching on the Murders

And the way this works is they meet and they hate each other at first with their own selfish motives Ben wants to sacrifice Jen for God's approval to serve as some sort of martyr and Jen sees Ben for what he is, which is somebody very unsound and potentially dangerous and wants to see if he can make him break. But wouldn't you know it those similarities start to surface and in some desperate attempt for any kind of human connection they get attached. Against any better judgment. I can only speak for Ben's side but he sees himself in the other and it's more human connection and familiarity than he has known in his entire life and for once he does not feel entirely alienated by this guy he just met.

And that's the basis of the whole relationship they are such awful and broken people it can go wrong in a million ways Jen can kill Ben Ben can kill Jen they can escape silent hill and try to make things work and they don't because they're so stubborn and terrible at their cores, but when the stars align sometimes they can ride out the rest of their lives and heal as much as somebody can when you've lived the lives they have. But how it plays out doesn't matter it doesn't matter how they meet if they're even in Silent Hill or if they end up murdering each other or how awful their story ends because whatever happens that connection is still there it's always there and there is always love. At the end of the day no matter how small it is they will always love each other. Even if it's for one passing moment or if it's for the rest of their lives or if it's because Ben has a gun to his head and he's so thankful to finally be dead he loves Jen as the executioner or if it's because Ben has his hands around Jens throat and Jennifer in an effort to come out on top one last time kisses Ben, the love is always there and it always matters because it's all they have ever known. They always end each other or if not end each other they are with each other until the end. They're a package deal at this point in any universe or au or whatever

And so yea -putting away my 50 slide pp presentation- thats basically a crash course there's like 1 million more things. I could talk about. But ermmmm ya ^_^ blorbos from our heads

[klerothesnowman]

Roleplaying on Neverwinter Nights is one of a kind

Or: Klero desperately tries to sell you on their hobby

This is long and rambly as always, so if you want to be sold on NWN skip to the end without all the preamble. Star Wars fans pay attention because I'm gonna talk about a Star Wars server too.

Roleplaying is a weird hobby, innit? I think whenever people think about it their go to mental image is Sephiroth and Tails having an epic battle where Tails totally juked him with a hologram

And like, yeah, this is what public social media RP tends to look like. I'm sorry guys with unironic open RP posts on your dash, every time I look at you I can't tell if it's a joke or not. I'm not trying to dunk on you, that's just how it is.

But there's all kinds of roleplaying isn't there? For every open RP on social media, there's a private, curated RP being done play by post on a dedicated RP forum. People lovingly writing full paragraphs of their characters thoughts and feelings.

Sorry guys, I don't fuck with that one either. It's like everyone is taking turns doing soliloquies.

One of the best stories I've ever read has its origin in a play by post RP so I can't dunk on it too hard. Read Unsounded

Then there's MMO RP, this one's a little more palatable to me. People interacting in more immediate fashion, and there's even a visual element to keep your attention. ADHD sufferers unite.

But there's a problem with that too, and that's the... I want to say, impermanence. Unless you're playing in a kind of closed garden RP group the things your character does is never going to have a major effect on the world around you. There's a reason most MMO RP tends to just be hanging out at a tavern or something.

But then, there's Neverwinter Nights.

Released in 2002, and the last D&D game Bioware made, Neverwinter Nights is a weird game. The campaign is mid at best, the characters barely memorable, you could only have a single companion with you at a time. It doesn't look too great visually. Though I do think its visuals have a charm to them that I can't really explain.

But, Neverwinter Nights has three features that marked it as a cult classic that people still play 20 years later.

Multiplayer. You can have your buddies play with you.

The Dungeon Master. You can have one of your buddies possess and play NPCs, spawn new creatures and loot and all sorts of things.

The Toolset. You can make your own campaigns, import in custom content and even code new systems and features into the game.

If you've heard of Neverwinter Nights it's usually in the context one of these features. There are some high class player made campaigns out there. Shout out to Luke Scull.

But the thing that's really made this game stand the test of time is the 24/7 servers referred to as "Persistent Worlds."

These places are, effectively, small scale, community made MMOs, all with their own changes to the rule sets, some of them effectively completely different games. Imagine a D&D game that is always running, even without a DM but you can still play. Except also, there is a DM sometimes, running events that have consequences and continued relevance even after the people involved in them have logged off.

And! The majority of them are roleplaying servers, being in character is enforced. Imagine MMO RPers, if everything you were doing was in character, and you can expect everyone to be roleplaying too. You don't need to do the awkward feeling out of if the player you just met while out leveling a skill is up for doing some RP. They do, they're here, RP away!

But even still, this is all just my preamble. Because I'm not pitching NWN in general, I'm pitching it to people on Tumblr specifically.

There's a recurring motif in fanworks that I'm sure you're all familiar with. You're all really interested in the mundane parts of your fixations, the kind of things that get cut for time. You all love thinking about what characters do in their time off, what little quirks people when they're doing chores, the little moments that don't exist on the screen. You all love watching characters do things like go to coffee shops and enjoy each other's company. For the Star Wars nuts, you love to theorize and imagine what the day to day life of a member of the Jedi Order would be, how these ascetic warrior monks interact with each other when the responsibility of protecting the galaxy hangs over their heads.

When a server is on 24/7 every moment can't be the exciting adventure. These mundane little moments happen, they happen a lot. And what I've found is a roleplaying environment that is uniquely personal and warm, where you can spend hours just sitting around a table with friends talking nonsense. Where you can go through the motions of a relaxing routine, find people who matter to you, enjoy the mundane. It's "Comfy"

And it enhances the exciting adventure too, because you have explicit, obvious contrast to know what you're fighting for (or fighting to escape, depends on your character obviously). And when you get back the things you did mattered, you'll keep talking about them, they might impact people you haven't met.

And obviously I don't need to tell you that when you've grown close to someone it hurts all the harder when they're in danger.

Just to be clear, I don't have an ulterior motif for this. This isn't a dying hobby I'm trying to breathe life into or anything. I just think that this is the kind of thing that people here would be really into, and I've mentioned it in posts in the past so I'm just throwing it on out.

[billconrad]

118 Lessons My First Book Taught Me

At an early age, I had ideas floating around my bonkers mind and recorded a few precious gems for school projects. It was typical of a young boy building a race car, going on epic adventures, saving the world, going into space, inventing something extraordinary, starting in a rock band, or meeting a beautiful woman.

Most plots faded into obscurity as I grew, but one refused to die. So, on January 09, 2011, I did something about it. I began a journal of my inventions, ideas, thoughts, and essential things that needed to be recorded. I dedicated one section to plots that could become books. Why? I classified a book as an invention. Yeah… Typical engineer.

At that time, I was unemployed, and a few months later, another company hired me. It has always been a dream to start a company, and at this new job, an opportunity presented itself. A coworker was starting an internet marketing company and asked for my help. I worked long hours and spent thousands bringing his vision to life. The company folded at the eleventh hour because he had a mental breakdown. Bummer.

The next time I was laid off, I did not want to start a company because of the bad experience. So, I turned to my journal of inventions for inspiration. I settled on the get-rich-quick concept of writing a book. I discussed this with my wife, and she replied, “Let’s see what you come up with.”

I had five stories that I thought were book-worthy and began with my second-best concept because I wanted to gain experience before tackling my favorite plot.

My first word was recorded on August 16, 2016, at 3:15 pm. The words came out easily because I mentally worked out the plot for ~15 years. About two months later, my first draft was done. Yay? I immediately concluded it was too short. So, I added scenes, pumped up action, and jammed in a side plot. Did I enhance the character/scene descriptions? Err, moving on. I learned the following from this first draft:

1) A normal person can write a book. Translation: A person does not need an expert author. 2) If you know the subject, writing a book is easy. 3) Follow your dreams because writing is fun and rewarding.

So, I had a book in hand. Now what? Obviously, I read it. Eww… needs some work. My second lesson should have been: “Writing a lousy book is easy.” So, I spent the next six months self-editing. During this time, I learned:

4) All that junk I added to puff out the pages was useless. Always stick to the central plot. 5) Self-editing is essential; it eats up lots of time, but correcting mistakes is also crucial. 6) I did not think through the story, meaning there were logic holes. They were tough to uncover and fix. 7) I had many writing ticks, like misspelling the same word (homophones). 8) I learned five years later to write down a list of “things to check for.” I wish I had that back then.

Approximately three months into self-editing, I realized my book needed outside help and asked my mother. She became my beta reader, coach, idea springboard, and helper. Together, we worked for four months, and I learned:

9) It is essential to have another opinion. This is in addition to a grammar/writing opinion. I needed a story/plot/character opinion. 10) LISTEN when somebody takes the time to explain your flaws. 11) It is ultra important to think about the reader’s perspective while writing. 12) Treat negative comments like gold. It is so much better to fix big problems before readers see them. I had to create second editions for my first and second books to correct apparent flaws. I can track these flaws back to my mother’s comments. 13) My story development process was fundamentally unsound. (This was later fixed by beginning every book project with an outline.) 14) I did not know what to ask my beta reader to look for. Now, I know my writing/story issues and ask her specifically to inspect these areas.

Yay, I had a book! But I knew my grammar was subpar. So, I sought out an editor. It was simple. I did an internet search and picked one. And quick as a fiddle, the editor returned my work with many suggestions. During this time, I learned:

15) Indeed, my grammar was shockingly poor. 16) Editors are not magic ferries; they can only do so much with flawed work. 17) Because I had only worked with one editor, I felt the edited book was the best possible result. 18) While I was not satisfied, I felt ready to proceed. This was a mistake. I should have self-edited for another two months. Why? Because I was still finding big errors. 19) Overall, I learned I should have done much more work before handing my book to an editor.

I declared my book ready for publishing. Yay! And there was more good news. I had an easy plan for success. I would email copies of my book to hundreds of publishers, and one would buy them. Easy money! A fast two hours revealed:

20) Publishers do not call books “books,” they are manuscripts. What? 21) Publishers do not accept “unrepresented” manuscripts. Meaning they do not have a place on their website to submit books. In fact, they warn you that they will destroy all books sent in the mail. Harsh! 22) Publishers only accept books from book representatives.

A book representative is a person with inside publishing contacts. The idea is you pay them, and they read your book. If they like it, they will take your book to a publisher. I quickly learned:

23) Book representatives charge $2,000++ (non-refundable) to look at your book. 24) They want 10%+ of the profit. 25) They rarely take on new authors. 26) From their websites, they were an arrogant bunch.

I was not about to give some random jerk a dump truck full of money without any guarantee. So, my effort came to a halt. In desperation, I asked my editor if she knew any representatives. She did not but knew somebody who did. This is how I met Bethany, a “self-publishing helper.” Her business takes care of the process between a first draft and getting it self-published. I called Bethany, and she explained that it was possible to create your own eBook and print-on-demand books, which could be uploaded to Amazon. They would put the files on their site, and their customers would purchase them. She explained this path was more straightforward than traditional publishing. The author had more control, and the chance of success was higher. Before meeting Bethany, I incorrectly thought:

27) Only publishers create eBooks. 28) There was no such thing as print-on-demand. 29) Self-publishing means paying a printer, and you sell the copies. 30) Amazon only deals with big-time authors.

So, I paid Bethany to take me under her wing. The process began with her quickly reading my book to assess what I had produced. She pointed out several flaws, and I worked with an editor she recommended. This editor taught me:

31) There are major differences between editors, including style, attitude, approach, interaction skill, and talent. 32) One editor will catch one thing, and the other will not. 33) There is no universal standard for editors to follow, which means that editors will disagree on what to change and how to change it.

This last lesson was a tough pill to swallow. To this day, I have difficulty knowing what to do when an editor, beta reader, copy editor, myself, Grammarly, ProWritingAid, and books like The Chicago Manual of Style disagree. I later learned that editors range from exceptionally talented to deplorable. I am still looking for one. (The second editor I used was exceptional, but she passed away. Bethany recommended two other editors for my following two books, but I was unsatisfied.)

Then Bethany hit me with a whammy. A book description sometimes called the blurb, is what you see next to the book you are about to buy. I incorrectly thought:

34) The book description is a simple summary and easy to write. 35) Amazon takes care of the book description.

I honestly thought Amazon was 100% responsible for this task. I could not have been more wrong. My mother, Bethany, and I spent three agonizing weeks creating something usable. This included printing it on 11x17 and redlining. During this time, I learned: 36) A book description must be an advertisement, a hook, and easy to read. 37) It must not contain the slightest error. Meaning it is a flawless gem! 38) It must have less than 30% of the plot yet describe the overall concept. 39) The hook better be fantastic. 40) This is the hardest part of writing a book. 41) When I read flawed book descriptions, they stand out like searchlights on a moonless night. 42) After publishing, I changed a sentence about every six months. 43) Four years later, I paid a writer specializing in book descriptions to re-write it. 44) I was never satisfied with the result.

Bethany did not like my original title, A Graceful Interview. The logic behind that title was simple: the lead character’s name was Grace, and I love puns. We brainstormed twenty titles and whittled it down to Interviewing Immortality. In that process, I learned:

45) Titles are ultra important. 46) Do use the title of an existing book, movie, song, or other popular thing. 47) Be edgy, but not cute. 48) Be powerful, but not overwhelming. 49) It’s got to make sense. 50) Do not be insulting, but push the boundaries. 51) It is a title. Translation: It better explain the book.

The next part would be easy because I had an ace up my sleeve. I have been doing technical graphic design for years and had a book cover. Bethany laughed at my childish attempt. She knew a professional book cover graphics designer and insisted I do some background research. The process is all visual learning. Bethany instructed me to study hundreds of random book covers for common elements. Next, I studied hundreds of books in my literature category, books in other categories (to identify the difference), award-winning covers, advice from professional cover designers, and visual sites for inspiration. Then, I studied bad book covers and looked at books with low reviews. Eventually, I saw the pattern. This includes the type of font, the colors, the image, the intent, the message, the overall goal, the overall look, and how the cover ties into the story. When Bethany and I were satisfied with the pre-concept work, she sent it to her professional cover designer. He took the basic concept and presented four rough drafts. I liked one and have since received many compliments. Here is what I learned:

52) There is so much more to a book cover than meets the eye. 53) Unless you are a graphic book cover designer, always hire a professional. 54) This is a game of 1%. Meaning that a tiny improvement is a big deal. 55) A book cover is the primary advertisement tool. Meaning, it better be fantastic. 56) Now, I see tasteless book covers everywhere, and I know readers can (subconsciously) spot a lousy cover.

Bethany told me I needed an endorsement. This is when somebody like Oprah Winfrey says, “I read Bill’s recent book and it was excellent!” I am a nobody, and I do not know anybody famous. Paying somebody famous was out of the question, and this became a dead end. The next best thing was to pay for a professional review. There were hundreds of people waiting to accept my money, but I found huge issues:

57) The professional reviewers were nobodies. 58) Their websites looked tacky, and it was clear that the only people who visited these sites were authors looking to have their books reviewed. 59) Readers never go to these sites because each book only gets one review. This is in contrast to a site like Goodreads, where each book gets many reviews. 60) The reviews were poorly written. 61) The authors using these sites were nobodies. You will never see an author like Tom Clancy paying them for reviews. This fact should have told me something. 62) The sites did not guarantee a positive review. 63) Their prices were outrageous. 64) Yeah, I still needed one.

I found a site that only wanted $99. The result was a so-so review. Clearly, the reviewer skimmed the book and altered a canned review because it read like other reviews on their site. I put the best excerpts on the back cover. Later, Bethany transferred the review from their site to Amazon. I learned:

65) Endorsements or professional reviews are not necessary. Save your money for more important things. 66) Other authors disagree with my opinion. They think that having a professional endorsement is the best marketing tool ever. 67) On the second edition, I deleted the endorsement from the back cover.

Now, I only had two steps left. Formatting the book and putting it on Amazon. I learned: 68) It is essential to use a professional eBook/ print-on-demand formatter. There are so many little tricks to getting an eBook to look good on the multiple eBook readers. A professional format is even more critical for print-on-demand. It takes an experienced eye to set it up properly. 69) The first draft of the formatted work had many little issues that needed correcting. 70) It is essential to have somebody with experience in uploading an eBook and print-on-demand book to Amazon. Many little options that must be selected appropriately. They have since made the process easier. 71) When I read the print-on-demand book, I found many apparent errors. Correcting them was expensive. I should have spent two additional months self-editing.

And then it was done! I released my first book. What was that like?

72) I felt fantastic. I was a published author! 73) My friends congratulated me. 74) My parents were overjoyed.

How were sales? Except for my mother, ZERO!!!! This taught me:

75) A big letdown followed my quick high. 76) I thought Amazon would have done much better promoting my work. In fact, I learned that Amazon puts ZERO effort into attracting readers of new books. 77) I incorrectly thought that a large class of readers would seek out new creations. 78) My biggest mistake was that a good book would market itself. Yes, I was a bonehead.

To increase my sales, I signed up for Amazon’s KDP Select. From the information on the Amazon website, there were three huge benefits. The first is better ranking, meaning that they promote your book. Second, Amazon Prime members can download your book for free, meaning you get a lot more sales. Third, you can offer promotions like giving your book away for free (to all readers) to generate buzz. This will lead to many positive reviews! I leaned:

79) Better ranking? Yeah, right. 80) Only eight people downloaded my book, and I did not get a single review. 81) Authors cannot put their books on other platforms as part of the KDP Select agreement. 82) Amazon often checks other sites for your eBook. They will permanently kick you off their platform. To continue selling on Amazon, you must start with a new identity, book title, and pen name. 83) KDP Select has nothing to do with print-on-demand. 84) You must sign up for six months.

But there’s more! When you opt out of KDP Select, you are out. Right? When the six-month period was over, I opted out, but I was secretly still in. I found this by going on to my wife’s Amazon Prime account and saw my book available for free. I emailed Amazon, and they told me about an obscure second website’s location to commit to being unsubscribed from KDP Select. I did this, waited a week, and my book was still free on Amazon Prime. I then went on the Amazon help site, and after an hour, they did internal stuff and confirmed I was off. I checked the next day and was off. To be sure, I waited a week, and, of course, it was back on. It took over a month to be 100% certain I was off. To be sure, I asked them to email me a letter stating I was indeed off and that there would be no penalty if I popped back on. Jerks! When I published my second book, KDP select was default selected. When I uploaded my third book, it was selected, but in a hidden area. This shady practice should tell you something: Avoid KDP Select! Because of the dismal sales, I entered a new phase: self-promotion. It began with begging my friends to post reviews. I do not like pestering people, and this task was difficult. Here is what I learned:

85) I had only three friends willing to write reviews. 86) Positive Amazon reviews are critical. 87) Do your absolute best to avoid negative Amazon reviews.

I then began contacting authors and asked them to exchange reviews. I learned a lot:

88) Not all authors consider review exchanges ethical. Yet, I find these upstanding authors are blind to the reality of modern publishing. The world is not ideal, and you must hustle to get ahead. That’s life! 89) During my exchanges, I met several great authors and became pen pals with two. 90) Several authors gave me writing tips and pointed out critical flaws. I learned many valuable lessons. 91) Most authors willing to participate in this effort are new to publishing. Their books range from dreadful to fantastic. 92) All big-time authors have no interest in review exchanges. 93) It is essential to go into a review with the attitude of looking for the best parts of their book and pumping them up. You cannot have the attitude of “If it is a bad book, I will write a bad review.” Why? Bad reviews only lead to problems. 94) There are professional sites that offer review exchanges. I have strong words of advice: a. Some exchange authors have unrealistic expectations and demand lengthy reviews of their worthless books. b. Not all authors are aware of what they have created. I encountered one that had a ghostwriter do the entire thing, and the “author” was stunned by my basic review. I do not think he read the first chapter. c. Most new authors do not have good techniques. d. EXPECT a lot of AI-written junk. This is the new reality of books. Learn to love it:( e. Only agree to an exchange for a book with at least 20 reviews. By then, an author should know their book is a stinker. f. The administrators of these sites are idiots. g. The “help desk” employees think “customer service” is a four-letter word. h. Amazon will eventually find these professional exchange sites and shut them down. I have no idea what punishment they will inflict on authors.

The next phase of my self-promotion process was to create a website. Many great website hosting companies have online free website building programs—for example, GoDaddy. Of course, I chose not to use a free online website builder. Why? I am old school and wanted to make a site on my computer that I could endlessly edit offline. My other motivation was that if the hosting company did not work out (like upping their cost), I could move my website, which I worked on for thousands of hours, to any web hosting company. Yes, I am a control freak. So, my quest began. My first stop was buying the latest gold standard for website development, Microsoft Front Page. To my utter shock, it is no longer supported. What the heck? Well, there is still the silver standard Corel website creator. Wow, it has become awful. So, I went through every program, including Adobe, Google… Pure junk. (How do big companies make their sites? All these years later, I still do not know.) Fortuitously, I found a free program called Rocketcake (and then paid for the professional version). It was easy to use, fast, and produced excellent results. The downside is the lack of power. (It did not support splashy features. Only basic website stuff.) But there was an exciting upside. It generates efficient webpages that display lightning fast. There was another benefit to Rocketcake that no other online website builder had. It (accurately) showed how my website looked on mobile devices. I then tweaked my pages to display on all platforms correctly. GoDaddy and other online-generated web pages look awful on small devices. (I have not checked recently, but I see many pages that do not work well on my phone.) Do people browse on their phones? Hmm. Perhaps there was some logic to my decision. Then, I needed a hosting company and found WHP. Incidentally, WHP is the least expensive, and their service is decent. Coincidence? I might have been onto something.

Creating a website taught me:

95) An author needs to have a dedicated website. This is the central hub of your marketing empire. 96) Keep the site current, and post often. 97) Using a canned solution like GoDaddy locks your hard work into their platform for life.

My next marketing phase was writing articles (blogs) and posting them on multiple sites. Here is what I learned:

98) Writing articles sharpens writing and generates ideas. 99) It is a good creative outlet that brings back the joy of writing. 100) I explore various ideas and have learned a lot, especially about myself. 101) You must write articles with a long-haul mindset. The effort will be successful, but success is a long way off. 102) Articles generate contacts and expand marketing. 103) Find every possible site that will accept your post.

I tried to locate book promotion sites and learned:

104) There are several free book-promoting sites. Make sure you create a separate email account for this effort, like Yahoo mail, because this email address will get lots of spam. I have found the free sites to be marginally successful. 105) There are hundreds of paid book-promoting sites. Tread hyper carefully! a. At their core, they are spam generators. I do not want people getting spammed by my books. b. They never define Return On Investment. This means that if I spend $X, they promise $Y sales based on Z prior marketing campaigns. c. They never show proof of what they claim to do. “I tweeted to 10,000 people!” Who? When? Do you have an electronic log of your posts? Are these people even people? d. They often use big concept words like “branding” and get quiet when you ask about real marketing terms like Return On Investment. e. In my discussions with other authors, they unsuccessfully tried a few of these sites. f. They make shady claims. “We adjust the Amazon algorithm to make your book appear first.” So, they hacked Amazon? Umm… g. They often want to be paid to redo what you already did. Like having their “professional editors” update your work. You know my book has issues without looking at it? Umm… h. There is a business here, but I have yet to figure out an angle to start one. Perhaps it has something to do with YouTube influencers.

This is what I should have done:

106) My biggest lesson was to begin all book projects with a thoroughly vetted outline. Then show it to somebody. This is a six-month process for me. 107) I would have put more effort into writing with the reader in mind. My original goal was to write a story “I wanted to read.” The result did not challenge the reader. 108) I should have done more research into publishing and marketing.

A common question is: “How did you find your voice?” From a young age, I knew how to write a story. My first and subsequent books only refined my story-telling ability. So, this does not get a number because there was no lesson.

This is what I did right:

109) I took the leap. Meaning that I set a goal and achieved it. 110) At every step, I applied maximum effort. 111) I did not compromise quality. Granted, my first edition had many glaring issues. 112) Besides adding extra junk to make my book longer, I stayed true to my original story. This choice validated my accomplishment. 113) Even after all these years, I still like my story. So, indeed, I created something special. Well, at least to me.

This is how my first book changed me:

114) My grammar, spelling, and writing have dramatically improved. 115) I now can spot flaws in other works from a mile away. This is not necessarily a good thing. I recently put down a book because the writing was terrible. The content was excellent. 116) Movies and books have become less enjoyable because I get too deep into analyzing the plot and characters. 117) I sometimes look at people as if they were characters. Yes, this is creepy. Don’t tell anybody!

Bonus:

118) Alright, I must admit this. When I spot a big mistake in other people’s work that I know how to fix, it gives me a rush.

It has been quite a journey, but should I have gone down this road? Some dreary days, like when I get a bad review, the answer is no, but the rest are a resounding yes.

You’re the best -Bill December 04, 2024

Hey, book lovers, I published four. Please check them out:

Interviewing Immortality. A dramatic first-person psychological thriller that weaves a tale of intrigue, suspense, and self-confrontation. Pushed to the Edge of Survival. A drama, romance, and science fiction story about two unlikely people surviving a shipwreck and living with the consequences. Cable Ties. A slow-burn political thriller that reflects the realities of modern intelligence, law enforcement, department cooperation, and international politics. Saving Immortality. Continuing in the first-person psychological thriller genre, James Kimble searches for his former captor to answer his life’s questions. These books are available in softcover on Amazon and in eBook format everywhere.

[ihatemynameofuckingmuchdude]

BPD journal: a 5000 thread count sheet on my brain as I lost my FP

For the last year, I have been hollow. Little bits of me have been chipping away, the impact of my memories with you has been breaking my personality into pieces. I have grieved you. And I have this feeling that it had been different for you, that you felt relief once I was out of your life. You had been pondering the weight of my presence in your life long before I knew it was over and during those calls together, I felt so safe with you and deeply obsessed with love. I was crazy for you, I was mentally unsound for you, and i had put aside your little peccadillos so that I could be with you. i remember telling you over and over ' i don't care i just want to be your friend'. The most devastating part is it is not your fault, I am no victim, I am not innocent in our relationship and you are separate from me. You are your own person without me. Yet I can't stop the battle in my mind between all your unforgivable sins and our bittersweet memories. I fear there will be no other person like you. I'm not sure if I was just mentally ill and craving connection, but I swear for a second it was like a comforting stillness. Even though it was debilitating, I miss you.

Today I woke up and I was devastated. I was sad when the phone rang at 9 a.m. to wake me up. I had only slept 8hrs. For the past 3 days, i had only slept 8 hours. This sounds ridiculous but I crave to truly get lost in sleep. I want my dreams to go on longer and longer and every time I wake up I'm devastated. I remember trying so hard to close my eyes and go back to sleep, it was all wrong, my sheets were too heavy, I was too hot, i was overwhelmed. So instead of the deep sorrow of knowing I wouldn't get back to sleep, I decided to play a game on my computer. I cried at the first obstacle. I felt like a child, i had the urge to call out to my mother. I am an adult now. She isn't there. I don't feel completely here. I cried till i was gasping for air. I was missing the opportunity to breathe. I decided although i only have two days to get all my academic shit done i will stay in bed. I'll try again later.  Later turned into 3 movies whilst playing games on my phone and scrolling on my computer simultaneously. I don't want to think about it i don't want to think about anything in fact this works so well I may struggle to string sentences together when speaking but at least I can't focus on it, you don't have to be on my mind I won't let you be on my mind. 

[ I'm fine :) ]

[demontouched]

before i watch the miraculous movie, i need to say this:

i have not slept in 21 hours. this is because i saw two (2) spooky things after 8 pm and could not rest.

(for some context: i have lived in an old old converted train station within the bible belt of the united states for a majority of my life. my room is one of the three original parts of the house. the ceilings are like 9ft and my room is very big.)

i have been terrified in this room for as long as i can remember. one night, i slept flat on my back, arms and legs straight, blanket pulled up to my chin like i was a corpse in rigor mortis. literally scared stiff. i was 6.

at the time, i was scared because of one of those horse heads on a stick. now i realize it is one of three options.

1. (the least fun in my opinion) i have a severe mental disorder that involves some kind of paranoia, and i developed it as a young child.

2. (slightly more fun, at least scientifically) my house is extremely structurally unsound. (there's a theory that humans evolved a good subconcious sense of structural integrity from living in caves and so our brains send the 'gtfo' signals when we are in buildings our bodies think will collapse, resulting in paranoia, chills, etc. making us think it's haunted. happens especially in homes made pre-1900s)

3. (the most fun) my house is actually very haunted. (i would hate for this to be true actually, but it would make the most compelling story)

[donnerpartyofone]

I can't stop thinking about VORTEX. It brought together so many of my own contemporary thoughts about death, including a specific death from a couple of years ago, and a death I learned of several hours after I watched the movie. I don't even know if this is worth typing up but sometimes my weird burst of AM exhibitionism helps me warm up for a day of reading and writing, so I don't know. We'll see how it goes.

I was recently commissioned to do this big piece on Dario Argento that is simultaneously a great opportunity--certainly it will enjoy more exposure than anything else I've done--and a scary thing to have to do, since you're speaking to a large body of established scholarship (plus a lot of passionate personal opinions) when you work on a subject this famous. I've been at it for a while now, but it took me a long time to realize that how deep the whole Argento thing ran for me. I don't know about you but my appreciation for the classics feels a little different than my appreciation for niche items that feel more uniquely personal, or even private. I mean I love the films of Dario Argento and, like a lot of people, my history of thinking seriously about genre cinema began (in part) with the discovery of this work that invites such serious consideration. At the same time, though, it's easy to think of the Argento filmography the way you might think about, I don't know what, the Egyptian pyramids, or Mount Fuji. Or even hamburgers or pizza. Something so big and ubiquitous that you love it as much as you almost take it for granted. When I was working on Michele Soavi last fall, that felt like a very personal thing to do; he has plenty of fans, but his movies are far less exposed, even less available for a long time, and not much of substance had been written about him. Working on Argento made me feel like I had to be very clever, even somewhat perverse, to find something special and fresh to say about him. It surprised me when, halfway through the project, a great weight suddenly landed on me, consuming me even in my sleep.

Maybe it should have been obvious that this would happen. I was a dyed in the wool horror lover from the moment my parents pressed play, much to their chagrin, but I didn't quite realize that there were people out there taking the genre seriously until I was all the way in college. There I met my best friend, who is slightly younger but who I consider a mentor due not only to her passion and erudition, but also because she exposed me to the whole cottage industry (more of an underground at the time) of thinkers and artists and conservationists that had grown up around horror. Together we even met and became close with someone who produced scholarly writing and had relationships with some of our heroes and programmed for a major festival, and who revealed to us a whole world of movies--and a certain way of thinking about them--that changed the course of our lives. Certainly my life, at least.

Unfortunately this person was not a good guy. I was barely old enough to drink when we met, still a virgin, still extremely naive, and also mentally unsound. I couldn't believe I was striking up a friendship with this brilliant professional in his 30s who simultaneously represented what I wanted to do with my life, and also what I thought I wanted in a boyfriend. Things went about as well as you might expect. I'll spare you (and myself) the details but my most glib version of events is that over the course of a few years, he cultivated a totally inappropriate relationship with me for the main purpose of torturing his actual girlfriend. I'm sure I wasn't alone, either, as he kept a roladex full of too-young women who he'd had inappropriate relationships with, just to maintain a steady stream of attention and drama. It's not an exaggeration to say he had total control of my mind at the time, it's a good thing he didn't want me to rob a bank or anything. Being involved with him tainted my other relationships and made it very hard to graduate from college. When the level of toxic ridiculousness became so extreme that even I couldn't miss it and I just stopped talking to him (it was abundantly clear by then that dialoging with him was not going to fix anything and maybe fixing things was actually a bad idea), he went out of his mind for a little while. It felt like I must have been the only person who had ever said no to him, which was gratifying. He made intermittent attempts to get me back in his harem for ten or fifteen years, without ever even implying that he might want to apologize for something. The last time I heard from him, he had found this blog somehow and left an anonymous message suggesting that maybe I accidentally lost his number and email address and here they are if I feel like chatting. I learned through the grapevine that he had recently ended a brief marriage to some other inappropriate young woman. A few months later I learned from Twitter that he suddenly died. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have tried to talk to him one last time, but I'm pretty sure I know exactly what that would have been like. I guess I feel like I "won" in some fucked up way.

Of course Argento was one of his main guys, and he was the first person to kind of teach me how people talk about Argento, which became a window on how to interpret a world of other movies that don't follow the usual rules. There was a personal angle on this topic, too: Among those of us who accept that horror should not be politically correct, there are those who use the genre as a lens through which to interrogate difficult and antisocial experiences, and those of us who use it as a justification for difficult and antisocial behavior, ala "These films show us a hyperbolic version of human nature, but it is human nature all the same." The guy in question made all of his relationships into a torture chamber, and if cornered he was happy to throw up his hands and say "The heart wants what it wants" or whatever, as if he couldn't possibly be held responsible for the dark mystery of his own actions. It made sense that his favorite director would be someone with a well-known history of combative relationships and not-entirely-professional behavior. (I have a rather large tattoo of Daria Niccolodi, whose substantial creative contributions to Argento's finest work are often unfairly reduced to the vaguery of "muse") But over time I managed not to worry about any of this. Eventually the monolithic idea of Argento became decoupled from my personal experiences, remaining only as an acceptable and useful part of my training. And of course, the films are still a source of great pleasure.

Still, I managed to have a vivid and unsettling dream as my deadline countdown began and I was deep into the Argento memoir (which I have to read in Italian for various reasons, something I can do a little bit with deep concentration and technological assistance). The dream amounted to a vivid fantasy of dramatically telling the guy off like I always should have, choosing my own life and loved ones over him. When I woke up I had one of those disturbing moments of remembering that someone is dead all over again. Even though the dream was positive and maybe even cathartic, I was profoundly unsettled. It made sense that an item like this would never be completely resolved, but I didn't expect it to come roaring back to life like that. I underestimated the effects of my doing this kind of writing in public for the first time, over the last year or two--the very thing that originally tied me to this guy. When he was still alive, anytime I went to a film event I would compulsively scan the room and make note of the nearest exits. If he were alive now, as I'm being published on some of his favorite subjects, I would be worrying about hearing from him somehow. Now that he's dead I almost feel like I missed out on something. A chance to prove myself as his peer or competitor; or if our friendship had survived, a chance to hear him congratulate me, or have him treat me like an equal; or...I don't really know what. I just feel very strange.

I decided to give my brain a little break from reading and writing, and made an extra credit assignment out of watching the recent Gaspar Noe movie VORTEX. I had just seen the new Argento documentary PANICO in which Noe discussed directing Argento in a leading role. It's easy to love or hate Noe, but I tend to stay on the fence with an eyebrow cocked; I think that if you let him offend you or impress you too much, you're sort of falling into his trap. I really enjoy I STAND ALONE, which is just too outrageous to be genuinely offensive, and I seem to recall liking ENTER THE VOID to whatever degree--but actually it occurs to me that the dead guy I'm eulogizing here claimed to have somehow inspired IRREVERSIBLE; supposedly Noe had asked him to find a bootleg of the rape-themed porno FORCED ENTRY, which Noe found "so fucking funny", and supposedly IRREVERSIBLE was born not long later. Whatever. Anyway. I was curious about Argento's performance and I'm generally curious about aging and grief on film, so I checked out VORTEX and I was pleasantly surprised by how thoughtful and cogent it was. Argento himself is really good. It's a satisfying film.

With that said: As the movie unspooled I felt that I was contending with it pretty well, and then at some point in the last act it hit me like a ton of bricks and I just couldn't stop crying. I was thinking about the future of my marriage, and about us dying. I thought about my dad dying. I thought about that stupid guy dying. I had the strange feeling that I had been confronted with the fact that Dario Argento is not a young man, he seems to have already given us the greatest art that he will ever make, and we may lose him at any moment. The strange, embarrassing grief and mourning of a celebrity will come for us sooner than we think. It's the same for many of the people whose art gave shape to my life. I don't know what to say about it.

Later that night, shortly before dinner, I found out about the suicide of a certain artist who reached his extreme conclusion in the aftermath of accusations of sexual misconduct. I don't want to name the artist because I don't want this post to turn into a discussion of that exact guy and his work and legacy and the exact nature of the allegations etc. I don't even understand it all very well. He was someone I never thought about that much, although I was abundantly aware of him. I had been away from the subculture to which he belongs for years, for purely external and personal reasons. I didn't know he was under fire. The claims against him seemed to describe a situation I would characterize (as I'm able to understand it anyway) as "kind of gross"--kind of sketchy, in kind of poor taste--but neither criminal nor scary. Which is of course just my hazy opinion on a situation I'm not involved in. But apparently things quickly ballooned into a highly public social media trial that destroyed many of his personal and professional relationships, and dramatically affected his income and future prospects. I do not know if these effects could be considered truly proportional to his indiscretions. I also do not know if his suicide could be considered a proportional response to his predicament. What I do know is that his lengthy suicide note was very well thought-out and carefully articulated (whether one thinks it was actually fair or decent is a different question), and from what I can see, everyone on the internet is picking the most extreme reaction they can possibly think of. Like every single person who is being vocal about this, on every side, is being pompous and awful. The one part-way reasoned response that I read had its own problem, I thought, which is that it was so entirely ideological. It was the ideology of the artist's presumed ethics against the ideology of the true ethics that should have reigned him in or led to remediation. It was the reduction of everything to something like game theory: a condition we all live in now, where everything we think and do is plugged into some vast academic switchboard that illuminates larger social and moral patterns. It's so fucking weird. I often think that dogma comes from the fact that most people aren't high-minded self-aware philosophers and they really do want and need guidelines that are helpfully established by others--but then the guidelines become exalted way above the bittersweet messiness of life that they were meant to help with, and suddenly it's as if there's no psychology, no emotional life, no human weakness, nothing to consider except whether us anonymous members of the teeming masses have followed the rules. We're left talking about contemporary human foibles the way people talk about the Civil War or something, some distant historical fact to convert into pure theory. Holding individuals accountable for their destructiveness, and understanding that no person or crime exists in a vacuum--those things are important. But our collective, public attempts to grapple with those things have produced some truly strange outcomes. I have been thinking about the artist's family continuously.

I worked through Easter weekend and went to church this morning. The Wednesday priest is a real literalist and not usually that inspiring, but he said something really uplifting today. Masses are typically focused on acknowledging one's faults, which is a necessary step in any course of self-improvement--and of course things can and have gone off the rails there because instead of thinking of humility and reconciliation as steps in a positive process, people slam on the brakes at step 1 and fetishize self-loathing and shame and punishment, which has all sorts of unfortunate social and political effects. But anyway, the readings were about how the Apostles behaved in the aftermath of the crucifixion, how they--the guys who basically thought Jesus was leading them to the White House and everything was going to be great--found the strength to pick themselves up again and find meaning and dignity in the things they would go on to do. And the priest invited everyone to think about a time they'd hit rock bottom, or something close to it, and to remember what were the personal qualities and abilities that enabled them to keep on living a decent life. I was so impressed by this, I thought of many answers right away. Then during the part of the mass where we're all supposed to "show each other a sign of peace" across the pews, one of the lectors--a very sweet spanish-speaking guy I don't really know--peaked around the column between us and waved at me. I guess he remembered where I was sitting even though he couldn't see me, and wanted to acknowledge me. Almost immediately I burst into tears.

I have now spent a lot of the time I should be working doing this exhibitionistic purging ritual instead. I hope that I will not suddenly think of something I left out in the middle of the day and get dragged off course again. Now I have to really cram so I can justify going to see LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL later, before it leaves theaters. I figure if I spend time with the Lord, I gotta go pay a visit to the other guy, too. That is how one comes to understand things.

This is really good; necessarily upsetting, but never perverse (as one might fear). I happen to be reading the Argento memoir Fear, which is sort of breezy and not often surprising, but I found his brief chapter on losing his father almost unbearable. I was nearly sorry I read it. Dario doesn't permit a lot of intimate detail in general, which may reflect his control freak nature and his history of combative relationships, but what's certain is that his parent and producer Salvatore Argento was the one person who was there for him in every part of his life. I sort of have a dad like that, although we didn't make anything together except a life, and at this age I think a lot about losing him. I don't know what I think about it exactly, but it is on my mind. I guess I also think about the impending loss of certain artists.

There is something touching about the casting of Dario Argento, who may as well be a kind of artistic father to Gaspar Noe. He is very good in any case. It's hard not to think of this as some sort of response to Michael Haneke's AMOUR, though that film is a decade older and VORTEX exists for its own reasons. It's very useful, culturally, to have filmmakers who grapple effectively with end of life issues. It seems easier to talk about the tumult of life in progress.

And with that all said, please enjoy THE DEATH OF CRONENBERG, a moving collaboration between Caitlin Cronenberg and her famous father. Looks like her first feature HUMANE will be out for my birthday, can't wait.