#to me they’re so sun and moon coded-

[disney-mystical-au]

‘They say the moon shines the brightest when it’s with the sun. 🌙☀️’

[nianeyemystic]

💕Lovergirl(boy) Astro Observations💕

These will be aspects, and placements that I've noticed in natal charts. I loooooove a real romantic, someone who yearns, is devoted & deeply feels love in all things.

Venus in Pisces 🥰

Venus in its exaltation is dreamy, romantic, and selfless in love. W this placement, you will embody unconditional love and often romanticism, and idealize your partners. The women I've seen with Venus in Pisces are literally lovers personified. They will find anyway possible to love you downnnn!

Moon in Libra💋

Libra , mm mm mm! Everyone loves a libra. With the moon here you have loves for harmony, balance, and partnership. The Moon here makes someone emotionally fulfilled by being in a loving relationship. You could feel like you're always longing for love, or wanting to be love by somebody.

Venus in the 7th House😘

The love of my life has this placement. Very ideal romantic person to be in love w . Courtship, super sweet gestures, omg & soooo charming. A real flirt too. Venus loves being in the house of partnerships,7H. Having this placement will indicates someone deeply committed to love and romantic connections, prioritizing their partner's happiness.

Neptune in the 5th House💛

This placement gives meeeee, an idealistic and almost cinematic approach to romance. Like think Movie scene, the most romantic movie you've ever seen type of romance. you might fall in love with the idea of love itself. a real lover girl/boy if you will.

Sun or Moon Conjunct Venus❤️‍🔥

Whewwww ! ✨ This aspect is almost always a loving, charming, and affectionate person. My man has this one in Capricorn & it’s so 😍🥺 he literally just loves to be so genuine & cute all the time. I melt all day long being w him. Somebody who is just all around a sweetheart, and can charm the socks off of you lol. They thrive in relationships and tend to attract love easily.

Venus in Cancer💌

Another fav of mine. This placement clearly is a nurturing, protective lover. Being in cancer, Venus will seeks emotional security and closeness in relationships. They adore being needed by their partner. Like I want to be needed by you, is a love language.

Juno in the 1st or 7th House💜

Made to be a wife, wet wife coded energy. Or husband energy. Since Juno, the asteroid of commitment and marriage, in these houses suggests someone who naturally prioritizes long-term partnerships.

Venus Trine Neptune 💞

This aspect is so damn cute to me. It creates a hopeless romantic who views love as magical and transcendent. I loveee seeing this in charts. They’re likely to idealize their partners and put their all into relationships. All or nothing type lovers.

Moon in Taurus💖

The Moon is exalted in Taurus, these natives who seeks stability, sensuality, and comfort in love. They're devoted and loyal to their partner. Grounded lover girls/boys.

Venus Conjunct Mars❤️‍🔥

Last but not least, my fav one. I have this natally & when I say love is alllll I think about. I mean it. I just love love in a sense that consumes me, it drips down my aura. You can quite literally squeeze love from outta me. Such a passionate aspect that combines love and desire. someone who puts their heart and soul into their romantic pursuits. They often have an irresistible charm and thrive on intimacy.

Do you have any of these ? What does love do to you?

@nianeyemystic

[themuseofbaroque]

astro obvs. & notes #1 - general

author’s note - this is for entertainment purposes only, none of this is fact. these are simply my own opinions!

- neptune 1H 🤝 pisces rising, noticing their eyes first. the water influence to these placements adds something that draws you in like a current, no pun intended. i used to work with a pisces rising, and she literally looked like a pretty fish (lmfao) big, shiny eyes. either of these placements can find it incredibly easy to appear sensual or seductive.

- speaking of water placements! i’ve also noticed pisces placements tend to take a lot of pictures around water. beaches, hot tubs, rivers.

- this can also be said for air signs (esp. libra) but with things they enjoy! i’m always seeing personal interest posts from libras, aquarians and geminis. music, video games, political causes, shows they’re watching, food, celebrities, etc. anything they like, they post. anything.

- i’ve never laughed harder than when i’m with people who have heavy gemini, capricorn, sagittarius and leo placements

- in my personal opinion and experience, capricorn risings are what people think scorpio rising is. i’ve only met one scorpio rising irl (that i know of) and she did not fit martian/plutonian ruling at all. celebrity examples ⬇️

kim hongjoong of ateez. the intimidation factor, the style, sex appeal, the interest in piercings/tattoos. he’s a capricorn rising, with his chart ruler, saturn, in the sign of aries so we see a lot of red/martian influence from him as well.

megan fox. she’s been a little fuckin weird ever since she dated mgk (that man makes me physically ill to look at much less read about) but! she had her bad bitch moments! being known primarily for her sex appeal + starring in jennifer’s body (a gothic treasure btw) i feel is very scorpio coded however she herself is a capricorn rising, with a sagittarius saturn in the 11h, more fire influence from her as well just like with hongjoong.

joan jett. THEE female guitarist of the 80s. her whole career was surrounded by sex, scandals, drugs, all the darker themes of rock n roll in general. she’s another fire ruled capricorn rising and a sagittarius saturn in the 11h like megan. her style and even her personality has an edge to it, much more fitting for scorpio/plutonian stereotypes rather the capricorn ones. imo.

- actors who’ve done major/recognizable roles in horror usually have a capricorn neptune. neptune is imagination and capricorn is ruled by the devil card in tarot. combine the two and you have quite literally = dark imagination. celebrity examples ⬇️

mia goth staring in the X series as the main face of the trilogy

bill skarsgard being the main face of the IT remake as pennywise

evan peters as tate langdon in AHS, he also played jeffery dahmer recently for netflix.

- capricorn actually shows up quite a bit in the horror genre, esp. gore and paranormal. both actors and writers.

- sagittarius too, oddly enough. a lot of well known faces of horror have major sagittarius placements/stelliums/jupiter dominance.

- underdeveloped cancer placements are more manipulative and two faced than geminis. i see so much gem slander on here, and don’t get me wrong, i love both cancer and gemini placements! however i’ve met and befriended quite a few of both, and cancers by far have been the common denominator in issues around them more than once. stirring the pot then turning around and playing the victim when people are frustrated, lying, playing both sides to better their own situation, and even playing people against each other. i’ve never seen such hateful behaviors from the geminis i know irl.

- aries men are much shyer compared to the women

- taurus women i’ve met irl get pregnant very easily. venus? good coochie? idk

- grand trines are some of the most beautiful people i’ve ever seen (a grand trine is when someone’s big 3, so sun/moon/rising, are in the same element but in all 3 different signs. ex: virgo sun, taurus moon, capricorn rising)

- queer individuals with pisces placements can pass as straight pretty easily if they wanted to. most of them are chameleons

- aries risings i’m so sorry for the household you had growing up. i see martian childhoods usually being the ones who dealt with screaming matches, toxic parents, poverty and underlying issues with siblings that last into adulthood

- i’m not surprised at all when libra placements tell me they’re in college for a general studies degree because they can’t figure out what they wanna do yet

- a lot of fan favorite female characters in video games are canonically cancers

- if you think your rising sign doesn’t suit you very well, try looking at whatever planet correlates with your gender identity. masculine: sun and mars, feminine: venus and moon. the houses and signs of these should help you out a little bit

- libra placements absolutely get favoritism at least once in their life, jobs/family dynamics especially

- sagittarius women usually have rough love lives, at least in the beginning. a lot of them try to save and help partners who don’t deserve it and they get hurt badly in the process. same goes with pisces women

- virgo venus is not that bad of a placement as stereotypes make it out to be. clean freaks? yes. perfectionists? usually, yes. loyal? yes. remember the small things? yes. romantic? no. at least not in a cheesy way. sensual? yes.

- lilith aspects to any of the big 3 is a bad bitch placement. honorable mention is venus/lilith aspects as well

- air signs like spicy food just as much as fire signs

- a lot of rappers have heavy mercurial placements (virgo and gemini) (3h and 6h)

- mc aspecting venus in anyway is usually the person who fools around with coworkers/may even cheat on a partner with someone they work with. most people with this placement have definitely had a partner at one point or another worried about someone they work with. may be the type to have a “work wife”/“work husband”

- 6h chiron is the person who’s life has been majorly impacted by their own or someone else’s health. disabilities, chronic illnesses, stds, limb amputation, skin grafts, etc.

- aries moon and mercury combo = bad potty mouth, cursing is an almost unbreakable habit

- speaking of aries! aries and aquarius placements together in any of these ➡️ moon, venus, mars, lilith, pluto ➡️ usually have a tendency to jump around from partner to partner very quickly, including falling back into exes. their thoughts and opinions on people and things change SO quickly that they usually are the kind of people who have rosters (unintentionally). they are upfront, they don’t lie or drag anyone along but they do seem to be restless when it comes to romance. even if they don’t physically date a lot, they may often THINK of it, their minds going a million miles a minute

- geminis do not get the rep they deserve for being freaks. not only does the sign traditionally rule the throat/lungs/hands/nervous system, (choking, breath play, hickies, hand fetish/fingering, blindfolding and sub/dom dynamics) but it’s also ruled by the lovers card in tarot 👁️👁️

- fixed signs 🤝 tattoos

- sagittarius/capricorn/pisces/libra placements usually have issues with religion/spirituality growing up. either they were forced into one as kids and they have an unhealthy relationship with their god now as an adult or they simply struggle to find something that feels true to them. this is just my experience but every single friend i’ve had who’s left the christian church, had an interest in paganism/buddhism, joined the satanic temple, grew up as strict catholics, etc, have had these placements. religion is a revolving door for them and it’s a common subject of struggle in their life

- women with pisces placements tend fall into unhealthy relationships very easily, especially if they’re heterosexual and dating men. they fall in love with the idea of love before the actual person presenting it. they are bossed around very easy and usually don’t like confrontation. honorable mentions for this as well: pisces stellium, cancer stellium/mercury/saturn, 7h saturn

- cheesy hallmark movies make me think of taurus/libra venus placements, 7h venus as well

- 5h cancer/moon/venus, cancer rising/moon dom, 5h/8h synastry aspects please be wary of accidental pregnancies! wrap it before you tap it cause y’all extra fertile 💀

- most well known streamers/youtubers have 10h stelliums, including their venus. a lot of them will end up dating another social media presence/someone who shares a platform/job with them

yay first post! pardon any spelling errors i’m proof reading this half asleep ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 .ᐟ

[amazingwriter101]

🎀Random Astrology Notes🎀

Hiii! It's been so long since the last time I posted (I was so busy at uni) I hope everyone is doing fine! 💙 Here's my random astro notes/observation 💋

🎀 Venus in Aquarius are likely attracted to someone who is intellectually stimulating, unconventional, and values independence. This placement desires a partner who embraces uniqueness, is open-minded, and engages in deep, thoughtful conversations. So someone who respects personal freedom and enjoys exploring new ideas will appeal to this placement.

🎀 Someone with Juno in Sagittarius seeks a lifelong/long-term partner who is adventurous, optimistic, and growth-oriented. Someone who shares a passion for travel, learning, and expanding horizons would be ideal. They value truth, honesty, freedom,and a relationship filled with excitement and exploration.

🎀 People with Water Rising + Earth Sun (especially Scorpio Risings) can leave a strong first impression. They will most likely come across as someone who is intense, ambitious, and confident with a hint of rebelliousness. Their aura feels like a combination of mystery, authority, charisma, and boldness.

🎀 Moon in Virgo is probably the perfectionist of the zodiac who can't relax until everything is labeled, organized, and sanitized. Your idea of emotional security? A perfectly curated to-do list and color-coded spreadsheets for feelings and activities. One of the best people to give constructive criticism (unless you're very sensitive, believe me their words can hurt even tho most of the time they don't mean to hurt you.) They see emotions are just puzzles waiting to be solved.

🎀 Leo Moon + Scorpio Rising = walking contradiction. Their duality is wild. Enigmatic, mysterious, private mask with the scorpio rising while the leo moon screams for applause, admiration and center of attention. it's like "Hey, notice me but don't make it obvious." "look but don't touch." such a power play.

🎀 Venus in Pisces is the hopeless romantic that probably see red flags as a beautiful shade of crimson and admire it. Stop saying you can fix someone, you can't! Please stop falling for potentials and trying to save individuals who doesn't even want to be saved. Forget the "Love is sacrifice", you're not their therapist, and martyrdom isn't sexy.

🎀 Venus in Leo folks love to make an entrance—they’re like DIVA of relationships. They expect their partners to shower them with attention, affection, and maybe a red carpet once in a while. If they’re not getting enough adoration, they might just start singing “Single Ladies” to themselves.

🎀 Moon in Aquarius person feels more at home in a group chat about physics than on a cozy night in with a romantic partner. They’re super into ideas, innovation, and making a difference—but don't ask them to express their feelings too much. You might get a "let's analyze this emotionally" instead of a hug. Might not work with someone who wants a lovey-dovey affectionate relationship.

🎀 Saturn in Taurus is the person who buys the most reliable, sturdy chair at the furniture store... and then waits 20 years to get a new one because "it’s perfectly fine." They have an unshakable commitment to stability and material comfort, but they might be a little too attached to their "favorite" blanket—don’t even think about touching it.

🎀 Venus Conjunct Mars in natal chart is like the romantic-comedy genre. The chemistry is palpable, and there’s a lot of flirtation, passion, and energy flying around. They’re the kind of person who can turn a quick coffee date into a whirlwind romance—and probably end up with matching tattoos by the end of the week.

🎀 Venus in Aquarius is the quirky, "I’m not like other people" type of lover. They’re attracted to what’s unique, eccentric, or revolutionary. Their idea of a perfect date might involve a debate about the future of technology or attending an avant-garde art exhibit. Forget the traditional romantic gestures—they’d rather build a robot together.

🎀 Venus in Taurus is the ultimate “Netflix and chill” person—literally. If you know the tiktoker that lives the fancy life, eating steak, travelling and enjoying? That's a good definition of Taurus and their ideal life. They value comfort, stability, and all the luxuries of life, especially good food and soft blankets. They’ll adore you with cuddles, gifts, and the finest chocolate—because who wouldn’t want to spoil their lover with cozy indulgences? But if you try to rush them, you might find yourself in a battle of wills. They prefer slow, steady love that’s built to last… with a side of gourmet snacks.

🎀 Venus in Cancer is a cuddly, emotional romantic 🦀 who wants to build a cozy home with their partner—and maybe a family of cats while they’re at it. They’re deeply sentimental and love making their loved ones feel cared for with homemade meals and personalized gestures. If you can make them feel safe, you’ll have their heart forever. Just don’t mess with their emotional boundaries, because they’re like a fortress when it comes to protecting their feelings.

🎀 Venus in Aries is like the spark that lights the fire of romance. They fall fast and love fiercely, but their attention span can be as short as a Snapchat story. The thrill of the chase is their thing—so, if you're playing hard to get, you're already ahead of the game. Once they're in a relationship, expect passionate moments, spontaneous adventures, and lots of energy.

🎀 Mars in Taurus is like the bulldozer of the zodiac—slow and steady, but extremely determined. They have an impressive amount of stamina and will stick with a task until it’s done right. Unlike the fiery Aries, Taurus likes to take their time and get things done with quality. Want them to rush? Good luck! They’ll just give you the side-eye and continue on at their own pace. But if you need someone reliable who’s not going to give up, this is your person.

🎀 Mars in Virgo is like a military general with a perfectly organized schedule. These folks are action-oriented, but they’re not impulsive—they want to make sure that every detail is sorted before they go charging ahead. They’re fantastic at problem-solving, and they approach challenges with a calm, methodical attitude. They’re not about drama—they’re about efficiency. But be warned: they might become slightly perfectionistic and a little too focused on the fine print, which could slow things down.

[immortaledd]

HEADCANONS/LORE AT THE BOTTOM!

I needed to tweak my Solar design a little bit to separate it from the show…also to make him a LITTLE less bald. Have some Edd content to fuel your own headcanons and ideas!

Small TIP: I generalize “Eclipse’s” as I will for “Sun’s”, “Moon’s”, etc not because of their Universal Coding. I compare and contrast to show individuality or give context to biology and anatomy.

• Eclipse’s tend to overheat easily.

- This can be from faulty bodies, programming, or overexerting themself. (which is a common trait of an Eclipse.)

- This is why Eclipse’s often show more skin, to keep their vents free for easier cooling.

• Solar’s pants are damaged, so there are straps built into the core of it to help keep them up.

- It’s hard enough finding pants to fit 12 ft tall animatronics, it was even harder when he finally found ones…that were ripped and damaged. Though, because of such, that’s why they fit at all. It was an easy fix.

• Solar’s “split rays” use to look the exact same to Eclipse’s, however, over time in his original universe, he took a lot of injuries.

- Some of these injuries got to his rays, SPLITTING them on the edges. This becomes an appearance choice in the future to show his recovery from his past, and even embracing it.

• Solar has gloves, goggles, boots, and other things - but he prefers to keep them off until he needs them to keep his skin free - and his vents in certain areas.

- Vents are everywhere depending on the models. For those who overheat easily, they have much more than a typical sun or moon does.

- They can be in joints, plate crevices, etc. Most models just use mouths or - if their design permits - noses.

• Glass Animals is Solar’s #1 favorite band.

- He keeps his music preferences to himself.

• Solar’s eyes are the “default” eyes Eclipse’s have.

- Those slits that Eclipse has for pupils? They’re triggered, not at ease.

• Solar’s eye “slit” while at ease is only visible at certain angles, in certain lighting.

- It’s a piece of his eye to help digest more colors and visual information. It’s not an appearance trait.

• TW Disclaimer, none of his scars are self inflicted.

- They come from working, fighting, or accidents.

• Solar loves visiting the beach - normally at sunset.

- The colors of the sky at that time of day is what he strives to feel like everyday.

- Although he easily overheats, he loves feeling warm.

- This man would destroy a sandy hotdog and NOT be affected by the sandy crunch. freak.

• “Solar” is Solar’s first name.

[I had this idea before Solar even existed, the fact “Nice Eclipse” changed his name to “Solar” was a huge green flag for me.]

- Eclipse’s full name IS “Solar Eclipse”.

- Eclipse calls himself by his last name because he doesn’t believe in first-name basis for himself. It’s too sentimental and at the time of having his name chosen, he believed he deserved to be called by his last name - as it is a sign of respect and authority. Nowadays, Eclipse simply hates his first name.

- Solar had similar ideas at first but was still very new to names. It felt wrong for a very long time until he met the Celestial Family.

- He now allows himself to be called Solar to show trust and connection with his family. He believes they don’t deserve to be disconnected from any part of their family, including himself, despite any issues from his past.

[peachie-bumblebee]

FNAF SECURITY BREACH NSFW HEADCANONS

MAIN 4

MINORS DNI

getting back to my ROOTS with this one!! hope my community is still out there- the dlc has brought back my love for the game :) i haven’t posted SB content in a LONG time so a reminder- I ONLY WRITE FOR CHARACTERS WHO PASS THE JACK HARKNESS TEST. They are OF AGE OR ABOVE, have HUMAN OR ABOVE INTELLIGENCE, and can VERBALLY GIVE INFORMED CONSENT. The SB animatronics are canonically sentient. None of the past ones are. okay- back to the content :D

CW: ONE PREGNANCY MENTION, KINK RELATED T0YS, SEMI-PUBLIC MENTIONS, DACRIPHILIA

GLAMROCK FREDDY

lord have mercy…

he’s the most virgin coded out of all of them. i’m sorry.

but do I think he’s a TOTAL virgin? no.

there are FREAKS out there (me writing this and y’all reading this-) who would 1000% show up to the pizzaplex just tryna get a piece of the fazballs

SORRY

he’s the type to silently get off in his dressing room and then get all embarrassed about it like there’s someone there to judge him

he’s an actual sweetheart in the sheets. he’s so so nice about everything. as we go down the list this DECREASES.

don’t push him too fucking hard tho. if you’re one of the ones who read my old fic Competition, you remember.

his fingers vibrate.

and so does that dick.

he’d turn it on inside of you and listen to you gasp before putting a hand gently over your mouth and hushing you.

he seems a lot like a gasper. maybe the occasional curse word coming out, but mostly praises of how good it feels.

i know he is a messy cummer. i’m right and that’s final.

he’d be absolutely humiliated after the fact and go get a wet washcloth asap, but it’s a very shocking amount anyway.

pregnancy isn’t a concern, but he’s still wary about cumming inside for some reason. he’s the type to make sure it’s okay like 3 times before he does it.

okay i lowkey think he’d be into getting handcuffed. i don’t know what handcuffs could genuinely hold him, but if you brought them out he’d be (figuratively) SWEATING

i think his eyes roll back when he cums. and i’m correct. eat me.

he’s the lead member but he’s humble about it… except a few times in bed. then he lets it go to his head(s). just a bit. ;)

if he was in a relationship he’d have a thing about his partner dressed in his merch

switch! but the most vanilla out of everyone- but remember, not completely.

…he’d eat his cum out of you.

no he is NOT gonna call you superstar during sex leave me ALONEEE

GLAMROCK CHICA

my biggest hc for her will and will always be that she has a MASSIVE toy collection. she is a toy girl. do i know how she gets them? not exactly.

but I DO know that they’re all pink and white and sparkly!

that doesn’t mean it’s all vanilla toys though (respect to the vanilla community but it is not me :) )

she does own a hot pink flogger and she WILL happily use it on a groupie or her partner.

she’s such a tease. she’s such a fucking tease jsghskbnsjh

doesn’t matter if she’s domming or subbing (60/40 ratio)

she’s a TEASE

and she giggles during sex

her whole bubbly pink happy girl thing doesn’t stop

she’ll put you in a bubblegum pink sex swing and use a big ass vibrator on you while giggling and telling you how cute you look

i know she likes pulling on nipples I KNOW SHE DOES

for those who used to ask- no, she can’t give head with her beak. and she’s not taking it off. sun/moon can’t give sloppy either BUT THEY MAKE IT WORK!

AND SHE DOES TOO!

she can fuck up the guitar with her fingers, what else do you think they can do?

she’s the type to pull you into a side room, hush you, finger fuck you, then send you on your way with a hug

i know for a FACT SHE WEARS A STRAP!

yes it IS glitter. it is also 9 inches.

and if you want more, she has more ways to give you that.

she’s also the type to get you front row tickets and put a remote control vibe in you so she can watch you squirm right in front of her.

she’s also a praiser, but there’s a lot of false sympathy in there too.

food aftercare. she wants to eat 3 pizzas with you. food is her love language

ROXANNE WOLF

YOU BETTER BARK LIKE YOU WANT IT!

she’s a dom. she just is.

god I miss that fic I wrote.

she’s so fucking cocky in bed. it’d be insufferable if she wasn’t so hot and so good at sex.

if who she’s fucking is AFAB she’s EATING IT!!!! YOU CAN BET ON IT THAT SHE DOES MUNCH!

if they’re AMAB then you can expect her to lean them back on her chest and give them the most intense handjob of their life.

in general, the animatronics are stronger than people, so when they’re rough they’re still not going at their hardest. that would actually just kill you.

she’s a show-off. she’ll leave marks in very noticeable places on purpose so that everyone knows that you’re getting fucked by THE Roxanne Wolf

she’s a hair puller. I just know she likes to wrap her claws up in it and pull.

don’t fucking pull hers though, she doesn’t like that shit.

yeah her tail wags when you eat her out, what about it? don’t point that shit out, it’s embarrassing to her.

she curses so much during sex.

the strap is purple and THICK. if you want more then she’ll just hit up Chica for a new one. Chica is more than happy to help. and more than happy to watch.

she’s only the jealous type if its some rando loser. THEN she’ll fuck the living shit out of you while telling you how she’s the best and making you repeat it back to her.

if it’s Monty or Chica? If you’d be into it too, then yeah, she’ll share.

…Freddy is more of a hard sell, but it’s not a hard no.

it’s more of a “Yeah yeah yeah but why do you wanna fuck the dumbass bear? Why him? Monty’s got a bigger one, I’ll tell you that.”

yeah but roxy baby his doesn’t vibrate

she comes off a winning high after a particularly close race, she’s going to go feral on you

with those eyes of hers, she can find you wherever you go. so if she’s randomly in the mood and her partner is there, even halfway across the pizzaplex, she’s on her way to pull you into her room and take some “private time.”

MONTGOMERY GATOR

hhhhhhooOOOHHH BOY

y’all remember the start of SB where he’s fucking up his room?

prepare to be destroyed HSGDHJSGBDNH

degrades. degrades the fuck out of you. it’s a toss up between Roxy and Monty who’s the more cocky, but he’s certainly meaner.

LONG ASS DICK. IT’S HUGE WITH ALL SORTS OF BUMPS AND RIDGES AND SHIT.

head pusher IF you’re okay with it. consent is mandatory.

he’d grab all his partner’s hair if they had any to grab, even just an INCH and go ham.

his long ass dick matches his long fucking tongue.

loves giving lethal backshots LOOOOOOOORD HAAAAAAAAVVVEEEE MEEERCYYYYYY

he’s not only breaking the bed, it’s straight up sawdust. idk how his partners live but they certainly live happily after.

as cocky as he is, he’s not exactly a selfish lover by any means. yeah, he’ll edge you, but he also likes to get his partner real sloppy if you catch my drift.

he aims to make you cry from pleasure. it’s straight up his goal.

i just know he knows EXACTLY where all the right spots are. you don’t even gotta tell him, inside or outside, no matter personal preference, he can always pinpoint his partner’s sweet spots

and then he proceeds to abuse the fuck out of that knowledge

he gets so jealous over Freddy, it’s insane

he sees his partner in his merch, he’s ripping it to shreds.

Roxy is less of a threat. That can be more of a collaborative effort.

he honestly doesn’t know how much of a freak in the sheets Chica is. If he had a threesome with her and she whipped out her chest of fun he’d be like “DAMN BITCH WHERE’D YOU GET ALL THOSE” and she’d be like “^-^ wanna see my buttplug collection? :>” LMFAOOO

GROANER. he GROANS LIKE CRAZY

also a bit of a growl but NOT in the cringe tiktok way don’t worry

HOPE YALL ENJOYED!!! I really hope I can start to find my old community with this :)

[kolyubov]

Rises the moon.

✧ pairing. Doa3 x gn!reader

✧ word count. 2k.

✧ contents. fluff, ooc doa3, relationships are not specified (this is not necessarily romantic, take it as you please <3), mostly self-indulgent. if I missed anything, please tell me.

✧ author's note. it's been so long since i posted anything,,, i hope this is good enoughwaaaaeuxjwunxsk

It was past midnight and the apartment was enveloped in silence. You couldn't hear anyone talking in the living room, meaning everyone was asleep.

To be able to enjoy a quiet rest in this place was rare. Midnights are the most bustling hours, when everyone gathers to discuss “important” business until early in the morning, before leaving for whatever they have to do.

Considering this, you could have had a nice sleep for once… if it wasn’t for the rain storming outside.

A sudden thunder crash caused you to abruptly wake up in the middle of your dream— Your heart thumping quickly against your chest and your breath coming out in heavy gasps. You felt disoriented for a few seconds until you eventually calmed down.

Usually, storms don’t scare you, in fact, they’re quite enjoyable along with a lecture or a movie, but not now when you're alone in your room and in the middle of the night, surrounded by the darkness and with your vision barely helping you to perceive your surroundings.

Among the dark, shadows shape into tall monsters lurking from the corner of your room, seemingly waiting for the right moment to lay their ghostly hands on you before disappearing after each lightning. The brief second of luminance makes you realize that those shadows are just that, no one was going to actually hurt you.

Yet, going back into the land of dreams was difficult under these circumstances.

You tried by closing your eyes, ignoring the “monsters” and the loud rumbling of the thunderstorm, and taking deep breaths to calm your unsteady heart but you just couldn't fall asleep. The unsafe sensation wouldn't go away, perhaps until the sun rises again.

However, you had some kind of idea that could help you sleep.

You sat on your bed for a while, contemplating the storm through the window that doesn't seem to end anytime soon and trying to gain the courage to leave your room.

Maybe this idea wasn't the best one you could have, but it was the first thing that came to your sleepy brain, and it's not like you were in the mood to think of any consequences due to what you were going to do.

With a light groan, you leave the comfort of your bed and grab your fluffy pillow in between your arms. The wooden floor cracks under your feet as you make your way to the door of your room then carefully opening it, peeking through the small gap, making sure no dangers are around before stepping outside.

Luckily, the hallway was slightly illuminated with one lamp that hung from the ceiling— The old wooden floor cracks under your deliberated steps as you make your way to his room. Once you stand in front of it, and just as you place a hand on the knob, another sudden thunder makes you jerk in surprise.

Was that a sign from God to not do this?

Without properly rethinking —also too tired to think of any potential risks— you twist the knob, and immediately your eyes land on his sleeping peaceful form; almost completely wrapped with a blanket but letting you see his face. His lips barely parted and his eyelashes rested over his cheeks.

It's not every day when you see Fyodor sleeping on a comfy mattress…

Until now, you had always seen him working day and night underground, sitting in front of his bright purple monitor screen and typing away weird codes or messages that seemed impossible for you to deceive. And if he was not working underground, instead, he was taking a stroll through the city or drinking tea in some restaurant that picked his curiosity.

But sleeping didn't seem to be like a normal activity for him to do.

“To what do I owe this pleasure, hm?”

Fyodor's groggy voice makes you snap out of your thoughts. Now he’s looking at you with a gentle smile as you stand on his doorframe, gripping your pillow awkwardly as you wait for some type of permission— And almost as if he’s reading your mind, he motions for you to come closer with his hand.

The mattress sinks under your weight as you get into the bed and place your pillow just beside his. Wasting no time, Fyodor wraps his blanket around your frame. And it takes some time for you to realize that he's gladly sharing his personal space, which adds to another unusual thing he's doing tonight.

“I couldn't sleep.” You mutter, as he pulls you closer.

“Why's that, dearest?”

“The storm…”

A small chuckle escaped his lips, finding adorable the fact that you needed company just because of a mere storm. Though, he knew the answer even before you said it.

One of his hands —usually cold— is now warming up your cheek, cupping it and rubbing small circles with his thumb as if to soothe you, to tell that he’s there for you without any words needed, simply light touches and whispers shared in between the two.

And for a small second you return the gesture, gently tracing the dark circles underneath his eyes as you scan his features; his thin eyebrows, his purple eyes, and his nose before finally stopping at his lips— His lower lip a little bitten and red.

Unconsciously, your own lips twitch upwards as your mind clouds with the idea of kissing every inch of his pale skin, having him softly laughing underneath you.

To hide your smile, you rest your head against his chest, pressing your ear to where his heart is. The soft thud makes a gentle symphony, a calming sound, that allows any tension left in your body to slip away. Fyodor’s presence fills your senses, making you forget about the rain violently storming outside. Something pulls you closer as your arms wrap around him.

Fyodor doesn’t complain of the proximity, instead, his slender fingers play with your hair, twirling it around his digits or untying knots that were made while you were sleeping before the thunder strike woke you up.

It’s not a surprise that your eyelids eventually start feeling heavy, with all the sweet caresses and the warmth provided, your body is ready to resume your sleep, enveloped in the most comfortable shelter you could ever ask for—

“Oh…”

One of Fyodor's hands cups the back of your head tenderly, pulling you flush against him as if to avoid someone from snatching his most precious thing.

“…What’s wrong, Fedya?” You want to pull away, but a high-pitched giggle comes from behind you, accompanied by the sound of rustling the sheets.

Seems like we have company.

“What are you two doing sleeping without me? That's mean… Leaving a friend out is not nice, dovey.” Nikolai grumbles as he climbs to the bed, lying on his side and hugging you from behind, “Why not come to me when the storm startles your peaceful sleep, hm?

The jester seems not afraid in the slightest to have physical contact with Fyodor, or anyone really…

You can feel his hand removing Fyodor's from your head before he nuzzles against the crook of your neck; the tip of his nose brushes up and down your skin purposely to tickle you. Oh, how much Nikolai loved hearing your giggles as you squirmed around his bear hug, it made his heart almost beat out of his chest.

“I do not recall asking you to show up in my room, Nikolai.” By the tone of his voice, Fyodor doesn't seem pleased with the additional company taking space on his bed and ruining your peaceful encounter.

Nikolai’s hands trail up your ribs, and without any warning, he begins tickling you— not stopping even as you try to pry them away among laughs.

“Dove, you’re not gonna make me leave, are you?” He whispers against your ear, voice whiny and you are almost completely sure that he's pouting right now, hoping you at least feel pity for leaving him out, “Tell Dos that you want me to stay…”

But just by eyeing Fyodor, the answer is more than clear on his face. Refuting his words to let Nikolai sleep with the two of you is most likely ending with you and the jester being kicked out.

“C'mon, C'mon! You're scared of the storm, aren't you, birdie?” Nikolai pecks your cheek and pets your hair dramatically. “Poor baby! Shouldn't we help this frail dove together, Dos?”

“There's no need for that.” Fyodor's patience is going thin.

Nikolai clicks his tongue in annoyance, sitting up on the bed with his arms crossed like a child and glaring at Fyodor for a while, trying to convince him just by holding eye contact until he gives up, knowing there’s no room for negotiating.

“Fine, I'll leave… Gosh, you're such a killjoy.”

As he slips out the bed, muttering curses under his breath, Fyodor sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. It's not the first —and definitely not the last— time he has to put up with Nikolai’s behavior.

God blessed him this time, it seems. He didn't need to make too much of a fuss to make Nikolai leave.

When the door opens and the jester intruder is ready to leave in order to resume the calming moment that Fyodor was truly appreciating, instead of leaving, Nikolai throws his arms up in the air excitedly.

“Dear Sigma! What a great surprise!”

The casino manager stands in the doorframe, rubbing one of his eyes. It appears like his sleep was interrupted as well.

“Uhm… Could you guys keep it down, please? I woke up because you're so noisy and I'm trying to—”

Sigma didn't have time to finish speaking before he was dragged by Nikolai, tugging on his sleeve and pulling him to the bed. Fyodor’s bed. Then pushing him down to the mattress as if he was nothing but another plushie added to the collection.

“Gogol! I didn’t come here to have a sleepover!” Sigma complains, rolling his eyes before meeting your gaze, and giving you an awkward smile.

Then meeting Fyodor's.

Something didn’t seem to add up.

“Am I… missing something?”

“This little dove needs our help, my dear friend! You see, the storm ruffled their lovely feathers so they needed to shelter in our embrace.”

Sigma raises an eyebrow at the jester’s words, and even if he's stuck in this —unwanted— situation it's not difficult to understand the message. He sighs, lying back on the bed and holding your hand, “It’s going to be okay, angel.”

He gives your hand a reassuring squeeze before bringing it to his lips and placing a soft peck on the back of it. He cares about you more than he hates having to deal with Nikolai.

The four of you managed to fit in Fyodor's bed with little space in between. Nikolai's head is now resting on your chest, him in between your legs, his arms around your waist. On the other hand, Fyodor and Sigma were lying on each side of you, either playing with your hair or stroking your hand. Any soft touch brings you closer to dozing off.

Fyodor mutters a small apology because of his "friends" behavior. His fingers graze your palm before he locks his fingers with yours as well. Silence slowly begins flooding the room; you feel perfectly safe with them around, so you close your eyes, letting your body relax.

“Oh! I have the greatest idea, how about we have a sleepover and do our nails and—”

“Nikolai.” The three of you called his name almost as if grounding a child; making the jester frown and pout.

You couldn't suppress your giggles, thinking that this might be the first —and the last— time you'll have the three men from the same dangerous organization sleeping together in the same bed only because they care about you, in their own way.

The storm slowly fades away, forgotten in the warmth of their embrace.

When waking up the next morning, you'll have to face the pain in your limbs from being entangled around them… And wondering how you and Fyodor ended up in between Sigma and Nikolai's hug.

© 2024 pinklacydovey — Do not copy, repost, or recommend my works on other platforms. reblogs are welcomed and appreciated!

[omorinintendoswitchedition]

Dante and Dimensional Orbit Stabiliser’s connection(s)

So I was browsing around Reddit the other day and I stumbled upon a Dante’s Identity discussion (link to the post in question) and this line immediately caught my eye.

It immediately piqued my interest, so I decided to run my own research on Dimensional Orbit Stabiliser and Dante’s connection to it (rambling and wild speculation ahead)

Immediately upon looking at it, an insanely obvious parallel to Dante and the Sinners opens up

Dante is stuck to the Sinners, they only made the contract because Faust told them to. The unseen force in this case is Dante’s time. Now to look at the events:

This is interesting to note, because Dante is also revolving around the track of Limbus Company, bound to it by the unseen force of the promise of their memories and Aspect.

Again, very heavily Dante coded. Faust was really the one who made the contract and not Dante, also an allusion to Dante feeling the strain of being the manager and doubting themselves, especially in the early days of their journey, as well as there more bitter moments like Canto 1’s “will anyone acknowledge the pain I go through?”

(Interesting how Gluttony has an advantage in both of these checks, and how having no gluttony hurts you in one of the failed checks)

This is the really interesting one to me, both because this is the check that gives the gift (which I’ll get to) and also because of what it implies for Dante

It implies that Dante will one day leave the Sinners behind. “I wanted to be lighter” can be read as “I wanted to let everything go”

In the Divine Comedy, Dante uses Lethe to wipe all his memories to be with Beatrice in Paradiso. In Limbus Company, it’s implied Dante planned to engrave the Aspect-a concept in astrology that describes the bounds between planets-and then wipe all their memories. “I’m still expanding because all of these things are bound to me” the Sinners and their lack of memories are the only things keeping them there, and they’re growing, both in a personality sense and a metaphorical sense via Sapling of Light.

Again this refers to Dante’s more bitter side especially at the beginning of Inferno. Also, the entity’s voice being silenced and Dante’s clockhead silencing their own words.

Okay, about the ego gift. The ego gift you get from it is called Disk Fragment, which references the Nebra sky disc, a recording of the world’s first astronomic phenomena. But it also happens to depict the Pleiades amongst the sun and moon. The Pleiades is a star cluster and is one the nearest star clusters to Earth that can be seen with the naked eye. The Pleiades are also relevant in a wide number of mythologies around the world, including Greek mythology, which Dante Alighieri was heavily inspired by, were they are called The Seven Sisters. The Seven Sisters were pursued by the hunter Orion across the night sky (similar to how Dante is first introduced being pursued by hunters). The most famous tale involving them says how they became stars: they all committed suicide because they were either saddened by the fate of their father or the death of their other siblings the Hyades. Zeus then immortalised them in the sky as a star cluster. The final part of this story goes that the youngest sister, Merope married Sisyphus instead of a god and faded away out of shame (or Electra who was grieving for Troy)

Dante being pursued by hunters, as well as their pre-established connection with the Nebra sky disc and thus the Pleiades implies they could be one of the Seven Sisters, I’d be more inclined to say Dante is Merope specifically because of their connection and care of the Sinners and thus the mortal “human” world. They could also be Electra, mourning Troy (“Troy” in this context is possibly L Corp, due to Outis/Odysseus’s involvement in the Smoke War being the battle at Troy). Or you could flip it and say Beatrice is intended to be Merope in this case, and Dante is her mortal lover (like in the OG Divine Comedy where Beatrice is an angel and Dante is a human) Dante being Sisyphus in this interpretation is pretty on the nose as well. The suicide part could reference Dante experiencing death again and again for the Sinners, or Dante’s attempt to reunite with Beatrice like how they went through the afterlife to reunite with her in the Divine Comedy.

Pleiades are also mentioned in the Bible three times in the Book of Job. In other Jewish folklore, when the two angels Azazel and Shemhazai made it to Earth, Shemhazai fell in love with a human woman called Istehar/Ishtar (the spelling was different in the two different sources I read) who swore she would love him if he gave her the sacred name which granted him the power to fly to Heaven (the sacred names sort of are in Limbus, see the trivia behind the Sign on the wiki for specifics) When he told her she broke the promise and flew away and ended up placed in Pleiades.

Shemhazai, or Samyaza is a fallen angel portrayed as the leader of the “sons of God” or the “Watchers” in the Book of Enoch who took a human woman as a wife along with all the other Watchers. He had a child with his wife called a Nephilim, and was severely punished by God for this after the civil war between the Nephilim and the Watchers.

In this scenario, Dante is Shemhazai/Samayaza. Dante “fell from the skies” according to Demian, and then would presumably meet someone, who would beg them for something important, possibly their “star” or something similar, and when Dante gave it to them they disappeared with it, leaving them behind to be punished by “God” for their sins, which in the Book of Enoch was to be "[bound] fast for seventy generations in the valleys of the earth, till the day of their judgement and of their consummation, till the judgement that is for ever and ever is consummated. In those days they shall be led off to the abyss of fire: and 14 to the torment and the prison in which they shall be confined for ever." The bindings part links back to Dimensional Orbit Stabiliser and its tracks and Dante’s contract with the Sinners. They are in Inferno right now, the fiery abyss with their Sinners, or their fellow prisoners (Dante does have a Sinner number after all)

Also, Pleiades was used as a sort of ancient clock

Sources:

The Nebra Sky Disc and Pleiades

Pleiades in Greek Mythology

Ishtar and Shemhazai

[phyllisamaryllis]

Hi, it’s “Rick really shot himself in the foot when he tried to differentiate Greek and Roman mythology and failed” anon again, and I just learned that apparently Rick is not only misrepresenting the gods and Greek culture, but actual Ancient Greek philosophers, and that really pisses me off as someone with a degree in philosophy.

I haven’t been a part of this fandom in a long time. I never finished HoO (I dropped it before the series was even finished), but I saw something upsetting the other day. I’ve seen a few posts talking about this one passage from HoO (Or, at least, I think it was from HoO. If I read that part, I don’t remember because It was a long time ago.) talking about “a story by Plato about how male and female were created because they used to be the same being that was split in half, and now they’re two halves of a whole looking for their soulmate or whatever” and this was supposed to create angst or something because then Nico didn’t know how he was supposed to fit into that equation.

Again, I don’t exactly know the context (I tried Googling it, but I couldn’t find anything), but I do know that it’s referencing The Symposium. The Symposium just so happens to be one of my favorite pieces of philosophical writing, and once had to write over 20 pages on this bad boy for an academic paper, so believe me when I tell you - that story is a load of BS, and I will not tolerate Plato slander.

First of all, that wasn’t even Plato that said that. It was Aristophanes. Yes, The Symposium was written by Plato, but he was essentially just documenting stuff that was said at a dinner where a bunch of dudes got together and decided to philosophize about what love is (there are 6 speakers in total, that all lead up to Socrates, and Aristophanes is just one of them). People debate about whether all the people and situations Plato wrote about were even real, or if they’re just a device to bounce ideas off of each other, and there’s even this whole theory that Socrates wasn’t a real person - but I’m not going to get into all of that. What’s important is that we DO know that Aristophanes was a real person, and it’s important to note that Aristophanes was NOT a philosopher. He was a playwright and basically the Ancient Greek equivalent of a comedian. I have seen a lot of people act like it was some profound theory of how humans came to be, but it was never meant to be taken seriously.

Now, I have seen that story be taken out of context many times, and it always annoys me, but this might be the most egregious one yet. The Symposium is not heteronormative in the slightest. In fact, it is VERY queer, which is what drew me to it in the first place.

The ACTUAL story that this is trying to reference is when Aristophanes tells a story where originally humans had 2 heads, 4 arms, and 4 legs, and there were 3 genders - male, female, and androgynous (which represented the sun, earth, and moon, respectively). The gods were intimidated by the humans, so they split them in half. The ones that were originally male became men who were attracted to men, the ones that were female became women attracted to women, and the ones that were androgynous became men and women attracted to the opposite sex. That is the very short version, but needless to say, very inclusive of homosexuality.

I see how what Rick was trying to do could’ve worked for asexuality or aromanticism, however, this is only just one small part of The Symposium, and there is actually a lot of stuff in The Symposium that I would argue are very ace and aro coded, but I’m not going to get into all of that, though, because this would be very long and that’s beside the point.

(Just one thing, though, because I can't resist. It’s not relevant to this, but it’s cool, and it relates to my previous ask. At one point, one of the speakers, Pausanias, tries to define love as a complex being and says that Aphrodite is the personification of love. He acknowledges that there are two different versions of Aphrodite that the Ancient Greeks believed in, from different parts of Greece (again, this is pre-Roman), and instead of trying to determine which is the “true” Aphrodite, he embraces both of them and says they are the personifications of two different kinds of love, which eventually results in him basically figuring out the split attraction model 2000+ years before it was called that, and I love it so much.) Anyway, everyone should read The Symposium, it’s public domain.

All that to say, this means one of two things. Either Rick knew this story and intentionally changed it to be heteronormative to create angst, or he read some other version of the story, that was not a primary resource, where someone else had already changed to be heteronormative - and that really freaking bothers me, because it could not be farther from the truth.

As a queer person who found a lot of comfort in The Symposium, I find it disgusting that it was twisted for the sake of making a queer character feel bad about themself for extra angst (and don’t even get me started on how Nico’s character was handled, that is a whole other thing I can go off about, but I won’t because this is about Plato). Shame on you, Richard.

Again, I haven’t touched HoO since I was in high school and it was still being released, and I honestly don’t remember reading that part. So, if I am taking this out of context and later in the book they say “Wait, but that’s not actually how the story goes!” then I will be pleasantly surprised for once, and you can disregard all of this.

You are wonderful, anon, and I love you and this message that you've sent so much. I will definitely check out Plato's Symposium sometime soon.

Don't worry-you're not taking this out of context. What you're talking about is, unfortunately, written in either HOH or BOO-I clearly remember that.

Rick Riordan does tend to misrepresent cultures in his stories-especially Greek culture, so I wouldn't be surprised if this was true. His views on Hellenistic Paganism and Greek Gods when he was writing PJO and HOO were unfortunately very derogatory and it's clearly reflected in his writing.

The fact that he changed a story to fit his version does not surprise me at all, though it's painful to learn that he has committed yet another infraction regarding Greek Mythology.

It's terribly discouraging to me when I see how many people think that what Rick Riordan writes is true and urge them to read up on real sources regarding Greek Mythology. This twisted version of Plato's Symposium is only one of many examples in Percy Jackson.

Knowing Rick Riordan, he either read the full version and twisted it to form his own terrible version, which he has done before (Hephaestus' attempted rape of Athena) and is quite good at or he read a version that wasn't the primary resource and just took it to be the real thing (like he did when researching for Piper Mclean).

Nico's moment there was pretty poignant, very relatable for many LGBTQ readers wondering how they would fit in to heteronormative society...........

But unfortunately, a lot of nice moments in PJO come at the cost of incorrectly interpreting Ancient Greek Gods and culture. It's pretty sad, honestly. Rick really likes to slander Greece in his works. First with the flame of the West, then with slandering all the gods and all those mythological inaccuracies, now with this twisted Symposium version of his.

Rick Riordan doesn't even do his research properly, so of course he said that Plato said it and not that Plato wrote down what Aristophanes said out loud. I wonder if it would actually kill him to do some more research. Is he really that bad at it?

Anyway, I will read the Symposium to gain more insight onto how Rick could have handled it better. I really like aro-ace coded stuff, too, so I'll love this one.

[drinkabletoxicdishsoap]

for fun: here’s what I think each pjsk character’s favorite pokemon game is! I’ll do my best to choose one but if I’m stuck I’ll got for their top 2!!

⚠️ REALLY LONG POST AHEAD ⚠️

note: I apologize in advance if there’s a lack of scarlet and violet but it’s because I haven’t played it nor watch a play through.. hopefully I can in the future, but I’m sorry if I didn’t list it a lot 😭 ALSO SORRY IF THE EXPLANATIONS ARE BAD/DONT MAKE SENSE 💔💔

Leo/Need:

Ichika: Heartgold / Soulsilver. She enjoys Kanto, but adores Johto and the pokemon it introduced! She likes the life it breathed into it and allows her to enjoy it with color :3 she names all her pokemon after her friends btw. Thats all I got too sorry 😭😭

Saki: I think both Sun and Moon and XY work but if I had to choose one, it would be XY!! She would LOVE Lumiose City and the botiques as well! Based on the anime, I think she would either perform in the Pokemon Showcase and/or Pokevision videos

Honami: Sword and Shield !! She would probably get freaked out with all of the scary pokemon in the wild area, but she would love playing with her pokemon and camping :3 plus there’s appletun too cmon chat

Shiho: Black and White. I can’t explain but I think she would the pokemon, it’s gym leaders, and the legendaries. I just think that the whole region matches her vibes, that’s the best I got..

More More Jump:

Minori: Any game that has contests! It doesn’t really matter which one, she probably has saved files working on the contests for each of them! She likes playing with her pokemon and decorating them :D

Haruka: Any Sinnoh game. Piplup. Need I explain more?? (Gen 8 is an honorable mention for having eiscue)

Airi: Sword and Shield :D she enjoyed the dojo that came with the isle of armor dlc! She LOVES kubfu and liked challenging mustard!! She was thisss close to wanting to just break the dreams of the rival in the dlc.

Shizuku: Black and White! She likes the pokemon that were introduced, and she personally uses an emolga when she can! Oh and she also likes the object pokemon and doesn’t understand why everyone hates them?? they’re just so cute so why??

Vivid Bad Squad:

Kohane: Sun and Moon! She loves all the pretty spots in the game and the camera option and the Photo Booth in the ultra games. Also the island scan!! She definitely spent a long time scanning all the QR codes to get all of the pokemon! She also caught a shinx and named it after An. SHE WOULD ALSO PLAY THE NEW POKEMON SNAP TOO PLEASEE SHES A PHOTOGRAPHER IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE !!

An: Platnium. she has a luxray on her team btw. That’s very important!! She likes the legendaries and sees shaymin as Kohane! She likes the cities and the pokemon that came with the gen. Since shaymin is an event exclusive, she caught a furret and named it after Kohane :D she also adores Cynthia.

Akito: Legends Arceus.. he likes the “difficulty” (he lost to Volo 100+ times btw) I don’t think I have to explain anything else. He never trusted volo anyways smh.

Toya: Sapphire/Alpha Sapphire (both could work). He likes the lore around it and the map :3.. kyogre is his favorite and he likes to compare groudon to Akito :3 (just ignore the rivalry the two legendaries have). It makes sense to him and him only. He probably also uses spectile too.

Wonderlands x Showtime:

Tsukasa: I think he’d enjoy Let’s Go Pikachu/Eevee. He would love to communicate with his starter and dressing up with them! He cried when he walked into viridian forest and saw all of the bug type pokemon

Emu: SUN AND MOON!!! SHE LOVES ALOLA!! the trials, the islands, the pokemon, the totems, EVERYTHING!! It’s so beautiful and fun to her :3 she definitely chose popplio, has an alolan raichu, and a slurpuff!! trust me!!! please!! She ran around looking for all the crystals but asked Rui for help (He looked up the answers online before giving it to her).

Rui: AND IF I SAID MYSTERY DUNGEON.. WHAT WOULD YOU DO?! I think he would definitely play the mystery dungeon games, but I also see him playing Sword and Shield. He would enjoy dynamax so much and would try to collect all of the forms to have a full crazy team of gmax pokemon.

Nene: I’d go with Johto for her too. I think she would like to around collecting both badges and fighting double the trainers! She’d crush the gym leaders and the elite 4 too!

Nightcord at 25:00:

Kanade: Legends Arceus. She likes the beauty of the game and the nobles. She likes to imagine which pokemon she’d be the warden of. She also likes the many areas and the story :D

Mafuyu: She doesn’t really play Pokemon. She plays her friends favorite games when they let her and she couldn’t tell you which one was her favorite. Though if she did, she would probably like Sinnoh and would play Platinum. I don’t have any explanation, just a feeling.

Mizuki: Any game with customization could work tbh, so Gen 6 - Gen 9!! I would choose Scarlet and Violet though :3 it allows customization and i think she would love terastallization and how your pokemon gets all crystaly and shiny during it!! Though she would definitely travel to Kalos to perform in the showcases

Ena: She would also play Scarlet and Violet too. She would enjoy the school and the terastallization. She would plan her team and see what Tera type they would have, and if it would work good. Though it’s important to know that she has the version that Mizuki DOES NOT have. They play and trade the version exclusives with each other, BUT FOR FUN, they like to debate which one is better. They’ll pull up everything down to the legendaries to basically everything, trying to prove which is one better. Thats it ty.

That’s all!! If you think they would enjoy other games, feel free to let me know :D I would love to hear other people’s opinions!! TYSM for reading this long post. Sorry if the explanations were bad I got tired halfway through.

[naneun-no]

From my drafts so it’s late but:

Today’s delulu thought is that Standing Next to You has too many lyrical coincidences to not be about Jimin.

🫣 I SAID IT WAS DELUSIONAL OKAY

You are free to disagree. You probably should 🤣

I mean we know it wasn’t written by Jung Kook but obviously the version he recorded was arranged with and for JK, and “leave your body golden” can’t be a coincidence right? Like it’s the whole ass album name, plus a word that carries connotations of JK himself, which the ppl who worked with him on Seven must have known.

So if that wasn’t a coincidence… then what about:

1. “How we left and right is something we control” — a callback to both Left and Right by CP feat JK, but also a nod to Butter, a massive BTS hit and a song that he performs alongside his boyfie bestie JM.

2. “When it’s deep like DNA, something they can’t take away” — a callback to another massive BTS hit, interesting. And *delulu warning* also reminds me of JM and JK’s extreme similarities that they themselves have referred to before?? They’re wired the same, they have the same sense of humor, they live and breathe for the same shit and even though they have some very key differences, they really do seem like twin flames (even if you just see it as platonic). They are similar in ways that seem braided into the fibers of their being. Like, in their DNA 🧬 some may say. *delulu warning #2* I’m also reminded of Jimin’s Letter lyrics: “After all this time has passed will we still be the same? Just like we were when we first met.”

Also, “something they can’t take away” is an interesting turn of phrase… more on that later.

3. Okay the real meaty part:

Screaming I’ll testify that we'll survive the test of time, they can't deny our love. They can't divide us, we'll survive the test of time I promise I'll be right here

[I seriously can’t believe how closeted-couple-coded this song is]

First off, again with the Letter lyrics mirrored here with the “test of time.” Then it’s got all this drama about being ripped apart and how it won’t happen and how they’ll be next to each other no matter what and that they have “something they can’t take away.”

Not only does all that line up with other Letter lyrics, but it is so goddamn dramatic and for what?

Be for real, what straight couple in this day and age would have this much working against them?? The only possible explanations are: 1) within the fantasy world of a song I suppose this could be some sort of Romeo and Juliet/West Side Story motif, and to be fair the music video did have a kind of rival gang/crime family look to it? Sort of? With the men fighting below the stage? Idk. Or it could be 2) the fact that idols do in fact often have to hide even their straight relationships, which is wild to me. But I know it’s a thing, so. I suppose there’s that. JK doesn’t seem the type though honestly. I think he’d be even more open about it than V.

On the other hand, the lyrics seem SO fit for a couple who are a) queer, b) closeted, c) currently in/about to be in a legislatively homophobic military and country (am I saying that right? Lol) and d) internationally famous pop idols in the SAME BAND who are both widely regarded as heterosexual sex symbols and would be shunned by many people in their homeland AND internationally if their queerness were to be revealed, much less if they were truly an item and THAT news broke.

Whew. That was a lot but like… that would be a real example of a relationship that would be VERY threatened by outside forces plotting against them and trying to separate them. Not JK and a hot blonde model, not him and a Korean actress, not basically any other scenario but a queer relationship.

Idk I know he didn’t write it but like ??? What the hell is that theme? I’m dying to get inside the mind of the people who DID write it, because are they or are they jikookers at this point like?!

4. Just for fun I’ll also point out the “leave your body golden like the sun and moon” 😏 like. Okay. At this point the songwriters are watching Jikook compilations, drooling over @slaaverin edits like convince me they’re not. CONVINCE ME.

5. “Deeper than the rain”?! “The pain”?! Alright I’m not even serious at this point but ??? Rainy day fight 🌧️?!?! 🤣🤣

6. “Standing next to you” oh you mean like… for 18 months? In a companion enlistment program? Like that?

Alright alright I’m done but you get my point. What even is this song if not an anthem of jikookery?! It’s more on-the-nose than Letter, more sneaky than Still With You. It wasn’t written by JK but at this point I’m calling that the songwriters are as delulu as me.

Hope y’all are well. If you made it to the end of this thank you for donning your tinfoil hat with me and I hope you at least got a giggle.

✌️

[oblivionsdream]

What's your favourite trope for Couples

Oohhh that’s a good question

-I’m a sucker for slow burn. I want the drawn out pining

-I also love when they’re both clearly in love with each other but they’re both idiots about it and assume it’s unrequited which kind of feeds into my desire for slow burn

-Enemies to lovers is so good when it’s done well but it so rarely is (I could go on a whole rant about how most books claiming to be enemies to lovers aren’t)

-Friends to lovers is also fun especially since it pretty much has to come with it being slow burn and them being oblivious idiots

-always love a good opposites attract. Give me the grumpy x sunshine character or any moon x sun coded characters and I will die happy

-dunno if it counts as a trope but when the characters are fully devoted/obsessed with one another. You can even spice it up with some unhealthy codependency

-when one character gets hurt and the other character just goes absolutely feral in response

[antiquarianfics]

Just a library of things I wrote for ease of access!

Fics are ordered newest to oldest.

❀ Fluff ○ Angst ✧ Smut

★ Personal Favorite ✰ 1k+ Notes

Requesting Guidelines

Oneshots

Look Away ❀ You say Bucky has a staring problem. He says you shouldn’t share back.

Don't Think About It ❀ Maybe admitting how you feel isn’t the worst thing?

Soon You'll Get Better ○ Desperate people find faith. Bucky's desperate for you to get better, so, yeah, he'll pray to someone else's god.

Dark and Bloody Ground ○ ★ So you violently murdered a man? So what? You did it in the name of love.

Making Waves ❀○ Bucky gives you a pep talk when life’s beating down on you a little too hard.

Shoot Me ❀ ★ Bucky swears he doesn’t like Y/N. In fact, he’s so confident he’ll challenge this: If he likes Y/N, shoot him.

Draw 4 ❀ You always swear you can hold your liquor until the next morning when you’ve no clue how you’re $80 richer and why your husband is too amused for your liking.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa ❀ ✰ Becca Barnes is generally not a serious child. She is, on the contrary, quite the opposite. She’s a silly, carefree, easy-going kid, so whenever her demeanor changes to the opposite, it is an immediate red flag that something is wrong.

A Slip of the Tongue ❀ ✰ Bucky reacts to your daughter’s new name for him as she tells him all about her new friend.

Slow Down ❀ An object in motion stays in motion until acted upon by an outside force. In this case, you’re the object and Bucky is the outside force.

You Have a Girlfriend? ❀ ★ ✰ So you get a little confused when you’re drunk? So what?

The Best Things Take Time ❀ ✰ Bucky has a code. You manage to crack it.

Therapy ❀ Sometimes all a person needs is a little reassurance they’re not a bad person.

Jealousy, Jealousy ❀ ○ ✰ Jealousy is a green-eyed monster, or so they say. You’d argue that jealousy is actually a blue-eyed, one-armed, super soldier.

Better Than Us ❀ Being a woman is hard, and it’s not necessarily something you’d wish on another.

Marry Me? Nah. Marry Me? Yeah. ❀ ★ ✰ 4 times Bucky Barnes asks you to marry him and you refuse. 1 time Bucky Barnes asks you to marry him and you accept.

Buck Moon ❀ So maybe you read the Farmer’s Almanac wrong. It’s still a successful date.

Shower ❀ ○ Sometimes it's all you can do to breathe. Sometimes you need a little help--even with the basics. Bucky's happy to help.

Sun to Me ❀ If there is one thing Bucky Barnes remembers about his mother, it is that she told him to find someone who plants flowers in the darkest parts of him. If there is one thing Bucky Barnes knows about Reader, it is that they grow him to the clouds.

Timeless ❀ Reader wonders how their life might have looked different in 1944, but they know they still would have loved Bucky Barnes.

»»———-———-———-———-———-———-———-««

Series

Accidental | pt 2 pt. 3 pt. 4 pt. 5 | blurb 1 ○ ★ What happens when you accidentally kidnap the exact man you were looking for?

Taken (complete) ○ If Bucky Barnes could time travel, he would go back to that morning. He would hold you a little tighter in his arms, and he would kiss you a little deeper. He would pull your daughter in between the two of you, letting her giggle as loudly as she wants whilst her parents kiss her cheeks and tickle her belly. If Bucky Barnes could time travel, he would have told you not to go to the park—to go anywhere else. But Bucky Barnes can’t time travel, and his wife and daughter are gone.

»»———-———-———-———-———-———-———-««

Drabbles

Lost Time ❀○

Poolside ❀

Distraction ❀○

Can I? ❀ ✰

Not What I Heard ❀✰

Ruinin’ the Game ❀

Hogwarts Legacy Incorrect Quotes: 1 2

[iwaoiness]

Of course, Oikawa doesn't know how to sit still, not even on the motorbike. And the problem isn't the weight of his torso pressed against Iwaizumi’s back, nor how perfectly Iwaizumi's hips fit like puzzle pieces between Oikawa's legs. No. It’s his fucking arms and hands, with those damn long, bony fingers. Iwaizumi can't stop feeling them all over his body every time he rides his Suzuki down the roads of Irvine with Tooru behind him.

Sometimes, one of Oikawa’s arms drapes over Iwaizumi’s shoulder, with his hand resting on his chest, right over his heart. It stays there, quiet and gentle, until—of course—Oikawa gets bored and starts stroking him, up and down, side to side, even giving him light taps. And when the tapping starts, suddenly Hajime gives zero fucks about the traffic rules and tries to stop him by letting go of one of the handlebars to pinch Oikawa's thigh.

Other times, however, Oikawa is more calmer and more sweeter. He’s content to wrap his arms around Iwaizumi’s shoulders, leaning a little more against his back, before he starts humming one of his favorite pop songs. Even though they’re both wearing helmets and the wind roars around them, Iwaizumi recognizes every song, feeling them resonate through his back, where Oikawa’s chest is pressed against him. And when that happens, Hajime once again gives zero fucks about traffic rules, letting go of one of the handlebars to gently wrap his hand around one of Tooru’s, caressing it with tender care.

At every red light, Oikawa’s hands usually slide down, his fingers deliberately brushing the exposed skin of Iwaizumi’s strong arms before anchoring themselves at his waist. He rests his helmeted head on Hajime’s shoulder, visor lifted to reveal his warm eyes and wide smile, and starts talking about whatever crosses his mind. Iwaizumi raises his visor too, just to look at him, listening intently and teasing him at every chance, his fingers playfully entwined with Oikawa’s until the light turns green.

And when they’re trapped in the fucking traffic, Tooru finds amusement in Hajime’s broad back, tracing random shapes with his finger for Iwaizumi to guess. A flower, a star, a triangle, a big heart, a crescent moon, an arrow. And when Iwaizumi teases him for being too easy, Oikawa starts with kanji. He writes the kanji for love, life, home, eternity, happiness. Iwaizumi guesses them all, and then it’s his turn. He draws random shapes on the back of Tooru’s hand, which is anchored at his waist. A crown, another heart, a four-leaf clover, a sun, a raindrop, an X. And when Oikawa teases him back for being easy, he starts with words. He writes slowly, letter by letter: pretty, partner, lindo, king, te amo.

Riding the motorcycle with Oikawa sitting behind is a torment because he just can’t stay still, constantly touching and touching and touching, but Iwaizumi wouldn’t trade it for anything.

...

THIS IS SO SO SO SO SO IWAOI CODED IM SCREAMING

u can find me and (probably) this on my ao3 🍉

[abstrusearchive]

Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - The Full Thing

[I've made it in segments beforehands, if you're interested in less compact form; I'll link them in segment titles]

.

The Pastor

[After some flashback montage and the intro]

(Josh is playing church music as Ian walks up onto the podium)

The Pastor: (To Josh) Thank you.

The Pastor: (towards audience) Hello my children, I’m pastor Ian. I’m your ordaine host, walking you through the roast (gestures towards Anthony) of Anthony Padilla.

The Pastor: Alongside me are several spirits, be they friends, foes, or work-mandated acquaintances - *ekhm* Arasha *ekhm*.

The Pastor: And since I know him the best, according to public record, I’m here to kick things off.

The Pastor: So, I asked the ChatGPT to write an obituary for me, for Anthony, and all it said back was “Finally.”, so I had to write one on my own.

The Pastor: So, here we go!

The Pastor: Born September 16th, 1987, Virgo sun, Cancer moon, Fuckboy rising… Anthony was born in Sacramento, California, which is like if a stock photo had a hairworm problem.

The Pastor: Anthony will live on partially through the YouTube videos he's made, but mostly through the Angry Birds movie and the sequel Angry Birds movie, "the Angry Birds movie: let's make it worse by not casting Ian."

The Pastor: He built Smosh from the ground up, learning coding before it was cool, which is actually pretty funny because, you know, coding’s already deeply uncool. Yeah…

The Pastor: (looks directly at the camera) Oh, I’m sorry, did I piss you off, nerds? Here’s some ones for you, zeroes! (flips the camera off with both hands)

The Pastor: Fuckin’ got’em. Got’em! …

The Pastor: *sigh* It’s so dumb…

The Pastor: After working many years here at Smosh, he decided to pursue making unwatchable content on his own. And, it was so inspiring that Smosh decided to do the same.

The Pastor: The Washington Post described Anthony as “YouTube’s Interview King”, which is kind of like YouTube calling Rhett & Link the Kings of Original Content, which is…-

The Pastor: Oh sorry. By the way, Rhett & Link will be here but currently they’re shooting their magnum opus - Rating Rhett’s Holes.

The Pastor: So, Anthony is known for some famous quotes, such as: “Life’s not that hard, just be hot”, or “Sorry, I can’t come to your party - I’m gonna be tired that day”, and my favourite quote, “Girlfriends won’t be mad if you just tell them you’re working”

The Pastor: Now… One of his main frustrations, back in the day, was that the audience perceived him as “The Hot One” and me as “The Funny One”. So, when Anthony finally went on his own, the audience was finally able to see the kind of comedy that Anthony could bring on his own. And to the audience’s surprise, for once, they were actually right.

The Pastor: But really, it’s so nice seeing so many of his friends here. It’s just too bad he wasn’t alive to see this. Because, as we all know, Anthony is very good at taking a joke and totally cool about getting criticized.

The Pastor: I mean… Honestly though, the fact that he agreed to do this confuses me more than Brendon Rogers’ continued success.

The Pastor: So, in conclusion, I’d love to tell you the rules that Anthony lived by, he referred to it as his five commandments - he would’ve wrote ten but, being mid is just what he does.

The Pastor: So, here’s his first commandment: “One - Thou shalt not leave any finger unringed and any ring unfingered”

The Pastor: “Two - Thou shalt not do yoga in your underwear, unless you’re filming it for Instagram”

The Pastor: (turns towards Anthony) Seriously dude, people don’t need to see your hoggin’ downward dog, alright? (turns towards audience) Am I right ladies?

The Pastor: “Three - Thou shalt tattoo the word “inhale” on thy neck to remind thyselves to breathe every time you’re looking at your neck”, and, I don’t get it, ‘cause you can’t actually see the “inhale”, like the only way that you can see it is if you’re looking into mirror so it’s backwards, so it’s “elahni”? I don’t get it, it’s weird.

The Pastor: Anyway, “Four - Thou shalt not change your favourite movie, Home Alone 2, even though Donald Trump is in it”

The Pastor: And finally “Five - thou shalt focus on work so thou don’t have to deal with thy problems, but when work becomes a problem, thou shall focus on making videos of thou doing yoga in thy underwear and posting it on thous Instagram”!

The Pastor: ... Anyway (puts his hands in praying gesture) peace be with you, let’s make it a funeral to be remembered, yes!? (spreads his arms)

The Pastor: Alright… Alright. Now, let’s hear from our first guest of the night. Is she funny? Let me just say, Mexican salsa, yes she is. It’s The Fortune Teller.

.

The Fortune Teller

(Amanda walks up to the podium. She looks down, then startles and looks back up)

The Fortune Teller: (Looking at Anthony) Hello! Hi! Greetings! Hi!

The Fortune Teller: I’m Angelica Angela LaCroix. I am a medium, but at the Atlantic City T-shirt Shop I’m an (?) and I don’t understand it. It’s insane, yes it’s weird, their sizes are weird.

The Fortune Teller: I’m here to deliver messages to (gestures towards Anthony) this boy. This wonderful, beautiful, handsome little boy-boy, this little boy, who grabbed a bunch of lipsticks to contour all over and called them tattoos.

The Fortune Teller: I have the messages, from the beyond! The beyond! And not just the beyond, the (?) too! Ha! Ow! 

The Fortune Teller: I’m kidding, that was a medium joke.

The Fortune Teller: Okay, before we start I just wanna say- (starts swating around) I’ve got cobwebs all over me, this is outrageous. 

The Fortune Teller: (turns towards Anthony) I just wanna say, you’re not really dead, ok, and it’s very- it’s very offensive to the dead community. (gestures at Anthony) Look at you, you’re in a full blown ghostface! And you’ve got a past with brownface - “Anthony is mexican?”, 15 million views! (turns sharply towards audience) Look it up! Look it up!

The Fortune Teller: … Hi, hello! How is everybody? (glances at Anthony) Oh, good, I woke your guy up. (pulls out deck of cards)

The Fortune Teller: Okay- (swats around) Stop it, get off!

The Fortune Teller: Now, I think the question we all have for this, this little rotten little beefcake, little boy boy-boy… Is he at peece? Is Anthony actually at peece 'ight nyow? (starts shuffling the cards)

The Fortune Teller: Well, we have to find out. And the only way to find out is to ask the cwords. The cwards. (brings up the deck) The tarot cwards.

The Fortune Teller: (turns towards Anthony) Okay? I’ll pull these for you, honey. (turns back) *sigh*

The Fortune Teller: So I am your guide. I’m your guy to the guide to the stars to the guy to the star, (gestures at herself) guide, (gestures at the audience) star. *sigh* Here we go. (pulls out the card)

The Fortune Teller: First cward… Oh! (shows the card) The Fool! This is a very very very good cward, okay? The Fool is definitely your younger self. It’s your younger self that saw the sketch “Bigfoot is Gay” with guest special Shayne Topp would age well! (looks directly at the camera) 9.4 million views, look it up! Look it up!

The Fortune Teller: *heavy sigh* It didn’t. (looks down and pulls out another card)

The Fortune Teller: The next cward… Oh. The Empress. This is a very very very good cward, okay? So this cward represents abundance of wealth, wealth and spiritual satisfaction. Which is interesting, because you bought this watch company and it started begging for handouts! (does a surprised face while looking around)

The Fortune Teller: I love Smosh, they’re very funny and I’m being paid to be here. (looks down)

The Fortune Teller: *starts gasping and grunting* Oh! Oh! I got chills, oh my god I got chills! I’ve got spirit chills! 

The Fortune Teller: Oh, there’s something happening! (looks and gestures towards other participants) Oh my goodness! You’re- you’re Shayne, right? There’s something right behind you - it is your TV career. (waves around in his direction) Okay? Okay? Okay, stick with me here, buddy. It’s your TV career and it’s dead, it’s dead. It’s done. (points at him) Don’t look at it, It’ll bum you out, alright? I’m here to protect you, alright?

The Fortune Teller: ... (nods) Very good. (looks down and pulls out another card) Sorry about that.

The Fortune Teller: Oh! Another cward, this is a very very good cward. Okay, so this is The Ten of Cups, okay? And this is a positive sign that you have reached completion and satisfaction on your journey- (looks down) Oh. Oh! It’s reversed, it means none of your partners have ever reached completion. Look it up! Look it up. (looks down and pulls out another card)

The Fortune Teller: Oh! Oh, The Lovers cward. (gestures at Anthony) This is not for you honey, I’m getting a- I’m getting a- Oh. (shows card to the room) This is a cward to little friends that go by Rhett and Link, okay? Okay, Rhett and Link. It’s your love, but it’s also love for the bullying of every member of your staff, alright?

The Fortune Teller: Oh, another spirit chill! (points) Chanse. It’s someone you need to look off. It’s someone who doesn’t serve you anymore. It’s Straight Chanse. Okay? You don’t need him anymore honey, it doesn’t take a psychic to know who you're gonna bed with, okay? Look it up! (looks down)

The Fortune Teller: Okay, okay… (pulls out a card) Okay, King of Hearts? This is for Anthony, a known ladies man… King of Fuorts, this is clearly for Ian.

The Fortune Teller: King of Fuorts. Fuorts. And Ian I can read your thoughts right now, no, I’m not producing milk. (looks down, then startles and looks at the back)

The Fortune Teller: There’s a man! There’s a man in the corner with a beard, oh my god, who's that? Steven (?) . This is for Angela. He says you’re a brilliant performer and that you deserve Broadway, and he can’t wait to see you eating sriracha tampons on Smosh Pit Next time!

The Fortune Teller: In conclusion! Smosh is a very sexless place, okay? And Anthony brought a lot of sexappeal and structure, (looks at Anthony) and are you at peece?

The Fortune Teller: Hello? Are you at peece? Are you’ peece? Anthony, are you at peece?

(Anthony, cowering a bit, cracks one of his eyes)

The Dead: Y-yup.

The Fortune Teller: (turns back sharply) Great! … *heavy sigh*

The Fortune Teller: Thank you guys, that’s my time. You guys should have appetizers or at least a pot full of mea- meatballs! Don’t google me!

(Amanda walks down from the podium. On her place walks up The Will)

.

The Will

(Tommy walks up onto the podium and looks around)

The Will: (Gestures at the walls, draped in black torn up cloth and cobwebs) I see we decorated the walls with Anthony’s leftover sweaters. (uncovers his face from beneath the veil)

The Will: (takes out a scroll and opens it to read it) We gathered here today because we witnessed rising of the dead. (looks up) That’s right, the main channel is finally getting views again. *sigh* (looks up towards the sky) Thank fucking God.

The Will: I’ve also seen someone come back to life - I have never seen Ian happy. And, actually I am so happy, that I could be here. Because if it were up to the 2017 Anthony, we wouldn’t be. 

The Will: Unfortunately, Anthony is dead. No longer will he be able to spend a day with weird people to ask why they’re doing all (waves his hand around) that.

The Will: Anthony had a very hard life. His skin, marked from the time he tragically tripped in the Sharpies factory. His ears and hands, proof that he’s a victim of manic Claire’s employee. Only a tragic life could lead to looking like if a motorcycle was gay; I can say that, I’m a motorcycle.

The Will: But Anthony wasn’t known for his struggles, he was known for his accomplishments... Like making Obama jokes in 2023. Truly broke the mold, imagine, someone this conventionally attractive doing something so conventionally unattractive.

The Will: People also frequently ask about the meaning of his tattoos, and now that he’s passed I can reveal that it was so he could fuck goth girls.

The Will: And, not many people know this, but Anthony was also great at impressions - he does a really good “Anthony Padilla does not hate Tommy Bowe”

(Anthony is shown shaking his head in denial, wide-eyed)

The Will: And now, the moment we’ve been waiting for. My Groundhogs Day - reading of the will. (looks down at the scroll)

The Will: Amanda will receive Anthony’s copy of Frankenstein, ‘cause she was brought to life when lightning struck a bassoon. Amanda, if you don’t know what a bassoon sounds like, (lowers his voice pitch), ‘sounds like this. [1]

The Will: Anthony has already given Shayne the Smosh podcast channel; it was a social experiment to see if Shayne could have a normal conversation for an hour.

The Will: Anthony leaves Ian the Boxman head, so that he has somewhere to live when Smosh is over. Anthony also promises to possess Ian and use his body as a human host, which is risky, because as we’ve seen on YouTube... Ian is not the best host. Remember when my We Watched Show failed? [2]

The Will: Anthony leaves Courtney his tattoo artist so Courtney can finish her list of “tattoos from movies nobody gives a shit about”. Courtney will be soon getting a Smosh movie tattoo - it’s just one star.

The Will: Chanse will receive Anthony’s secret diary, containing Anthony’s true sexuality. Unfortunately it won’t work out because, as they say it, you know, two bottoms don’t make a ride, but they do make me infuriated.

The Will: Anthony leaves Tommy a king sized bed so he can finally put himself to sleep. 

The Will: Angela will receive a backwards cap, to go along her current physical form and Amber Alert on rollerblades.

The Will: And, Anthony gives Arasha his blackout curtains, to match her Friday nights.

The Will: This concludes everything Anthony had to give away, except for the rest of his clothes which he gave to Charity, who is a really hot goth girl.

The Will: Something to remember about Anthony is that he’s incredible and behind every great man is an even greater CEO. (salutes) Thank you Alé. (gets ready to leave)

The Will: Oh! And if anyone objects to Anthony’s death, please speak now or be silent forever.

???: Wait!

(camera pans away towards the corridor on the other side of Anthony’s casket, revealing a man, The Comedian)

The Comedian: Dammit, I object!

.

References:

[1] - bassoon is an instrument similar to a clarinet if you're wondering. It's also called the english f-slur in my native language, which paired up with Tommy being gay is a little funny to me

[2] - apparently, at least according to Reddit users, Tommy was referencing his "I Watched [blank] for the first time" video with Ian, which at the time had the least views on the whole Smosh Pit channel

.

The Comedian

(The Comedian strikes a pose, straightening his lapels and smiling to the audience, then walks up to the podium)

Brandon: (slaps his hands down the podium) I object… (pulls ot a folded paper) to not saying anything before we throw this (gestures with the paper towards Anthony) fucker into river, so lets do it. (unfolds the paper, which is shown to be torn and stained) Alright, sorry, I just came from, uh, the bathroom.

Brandon: It is an honor to be here tonight, (gestures at the casket) a highlight of Anthony’s career. When I heard it was a funeral I rode right over; I am such a whore for the funerals, (slaps down the podium to emphasize) I’m the biggest whore for the funerals, but today we’re joined by Courtney, so…

Brandon: But we’re not here to remember church sluts, (gestures towards Anthony) we're here to remember a church virgin.

Brandon: Anthony was a major advocate for mental health. And, today, we honor the most (slaps the podium) remarkable thing he’s done for his fans' mental health - die. It’s- that wasn’t a joke.

Brandon: It’s a shame he had to die before he could become interesting.

Brandon: No! Like that’s wrong- (points at Anthony) The only way he could get a show where he’s a star of it, is if it's about other people. Just saying, maybe he should’ve spend some time with a (slaps the podium) fucking hobby, (looks at Anthony) you boring prick!

Brandon: … (hands by his mouth in praying gesture)

Brandon: Anthony, thank you for dying. All of the oxygen that would’ve been wasted on the rest of your life is going to people with talent. (looks at the audience) Yes!

Brandon: And- and I have to say, this is a second time I’ve roasted (points at Anthony) this cuck in a casket, and the third time he better be in a fucking urn.

Brandon: Sorry, that was, uh… Rude. I-...

Brandon: Let’s eat Anthony.

Brandon: We can do it! No, because, he can’t say no no more. (points at Anthony) And look at all that meat. Yeah, “vegan” my ass. (walks up to Anthony and grabs his arm, sizing it up) Look at all this muscle, he’s been working out! One of his arms has enough muscle to do what he never could in life (pats Anthony) - feed a family.

Brandon: And also, fun fact! Anthony’s hairstyle is in Trolls 1 and 2. Yeah, it is! Before we threw him in the box (pulls out a bit of black curled wig and puts it on his forehead) I snipped some of his hair and I trough, maybe- maybe I could be the new Anthony. But! (smiles widely at the audience) This time hot and funny!

Brandon: Now I know he died early, “at such a young age”. (slaps the podium) Bitch, thirty- Three is a big number. Three decades?! I didn’t think he’d make it this far! Three is a very big number - that’s the amount of stars IMDB gave the Smosh movie! (shrugs) Yeah.

Brandon: (leans forward over podium) So I would just like to say, congratulations to you Ian. You are, finally, the most attractive original member from Smosh! (smiles wide-eyed and claps his hands)

Brandon: Now, the rest of you- what a pathetic goddamned lineup. No wonder it took all of (gestures around with his hand) this to replace this king! (points at Anthony) I don’t even know who the most of you are!

Brandon: Like, Arash- is that how you pronounce it?

The Coroner: Arasha.

Brandon: Well, I’ve never met you, and I won’t.

Brandon: And- you know you got a gay group of friends when Chanse blends in with the rest of you.

Brandon: And what- (points at Shayne) The Chosen Topp in the back? Doesn’t Shayne look like someone who has OnlyFans for Only Him?

Brandon: You fuckers should be ashamed of yourselves! (points at Anthony) This man was promised comedians at this event! And all I’m seeing is (counts) one, two, three, four, five, six, seven cumshots and Tommy. And Tommy’s here only because there will be seven cumshots! Tom-my. (slaps the podium) You’re in your thirties, it’s Tom now, motherfucker!

Brandon: *sigh* Anyways, I’d like to say in all seriousness. Anthony was a great friend, (points at Anthony with his hand) and he looks like a dream tonight. And it’s a shame morticians couldn’t get the smell of Rhett and Link’s balls out of his mouth. 

Brandon: Rot in hell Anthony, I love you.

(Brandon walks away towards the participant audience and sits down. His place on the podium takes up The Coroner)

.

The Coroner

(Arasha walks up onto the podium and stares directly into the camera with dead-eyed RBF in silence)

The Coroner: … (in the flattest, deadpan, raspy voice) Hi.

The Coroner: *sigh* I’m the medical examiner who conducted Anthony’s autopsy… And apparently the only one you know.

The Coroner: High-key, I was so excited for this assignment. See? (barely quirks her lips)

The Coroner: I’ve been wanting to be in a room with Anthony’s naked body since his video “Am I Gay?” - I find queerbaiting really attractive.

The Coroner: Either way it leaves somebody disappointed. Soo brave.

The Coroner: When I started to examine him closer I realised I’ve made a horrible mistake: this body is medically sus.

The Coroner: It’s like a pretty car, but under the hood is a nest of anxious wet rats in a circlejerk.

The Coroner: I spent a day with Anthony… and I’ve got an ick. This is what I found:

The Coroner: His hair was difficult to examine, as it was matted into curls after being burned, crunched, and forced into being straight for years… Like Chanse growing up in Tennessee.

(Chanse is shown doing the Shaka Sign[3])

The Coroner: His hemoglobin levels were normal, which was surprising, considering how much his blood boiled due dealing with Ian during years 2011 to 2018.

The Coroner: Vitals were all around normal, except his rizz… (frowns) Lowest I’ve ever seen.

The Coroner: It’s widely known Anthony had no game, and speaking of wide - he had a nose job.

The Coroner: Several years ago he (moves fingers in quoting motion) “fixed his deviated septum”... *quiet snort* Sure, king…

The Coroner: Now that he’s dead his nose is being repossessed, because he bought it (turns towards Ian) with Defy stocks (quirks her lips and widens her eyes in fake surprise)

The Coroner: He called himself a vegan, which usually means eating healthy, but then he only ate chips and protein bars…

The Coroner: Anthony is vegan the way Ian is our boss… the way Angela is an adult… the way Amanda is a podcaster… the way Brandon is a comedian… the way Tommy is- chill… The way Courtney is chill.

The Coroner: The way Shayne’s moustache… (frowns) worked?

The Coroner: The way Rhett and Link are friends… And the way Chanse is 22.

The Coroner: Now. Anthony’s skin has faced a lot of mixed treatment, clearly by being only inside for decades on his computer and then blasting his pores with stick-and-poke tattoos. (turns towards Anthony) There’s another way to get a tattoo, you know?

The Coroner: His neck is chafed by Ian constantly breathing down it… also, that’s the highest that Ian can reach on Anthony, being that Ian is 5’8’’ and Anthony is 5’11’’. That’s a 3 inch difference- Ian, I believe you’re familiar with 3 inches...?

The Coroner: (looks down) I’ll find that out one way or another…

The Coroner: Anthony’s nervous system was in tatters - we found lethal amounts of marihuana and extra strength yerba mate. In our field we call this “cocaine bounding”

The Coroner: (turns towards Anthony and looks at him in contemplation) …

The Coroner: Upon examining his heart, I found that it is healthy. Though it contains many healed wounds, he is still full of love and support for his people. (turns towards the audience)

The Coroner: It takes strength to live fractured and come back home whole.

The Coroner: ...

The Coroner: Speaking of hole - flat ass.

The Coroner: That’s it. Coroner, out.

(she takes her files and stands down from the podium. Her place, once again, takes up The Pastor)

The Pastor: Alright folks, we are about halfway through our members.

The Pastor: Also, (gestures towards the keyboard hidden in church organs) quick shoutout to Josh everybody (starts clapping), doing a great job on the organ.

The Pastor: You know, Josh is kinda like our own “Phantom of the Opera”, he’s- he’s like an angel of music that is- behind the scenes and, holding women hostage, with stories that never end.

(Josh makes an offended face, then looks down with a sad face)

The Pastor: …

The Pastor: Anyway. I’ve been told that we have an extra, special half-time performance.

The Pastor: From Chanse, who is extra. And Angela, who is special.

The Pastor: (Nods) Take it away.

(He walks down from podium, as Chanse and Angela run up towards the camera that starts tracking them and piano music starts playing)

.

References:

[3] - The Shaka Sign

.

Anthony: The Musical

(Angela and Chanse walk up to the camera, backward caps on their heads[4], looking towards it as they start talking to each other)

Angela: Hey Chanse.

Chanse: Yes?

Angela: You know how they gave us 10 minutes to do whatever we want, you think what I’m thinking?

Chanse: I think what you’re thinking.

Angela: Yeah.

(Chanse starts talking directly towards camera)

Chanse: So there’s the thing: we bought the rights to Anthony’s life on Craigslist and we made a play out of it. 

Chanse: So, we present:

(They move their bodies to form an A)

Both: Anthony: The Musical!

Angela, singing:

An emo girl on YouTube, but nothing strikes a cord..

A dude that hears music in video games, but knows there’s something more..

A salesman who sells phallic foods, but nobody thinks it’s funny..

A white teenage guy, in 2005, with no one to give his money...[5]

Both:

Who do we give our money?

Chanse (Anthony): So, you’re saying I just press this button here and a video goes to the entire Internet, Ian?

Angela (Ian): Yeah, I’m Ian.

Chanse (Anthony): Well, here goes nothing. (touches near the camera with his finger, then waves) Hey guys!

Chanse (Anthony), singing:

My name is Anthony, and I’m here to say

I make funny things, in a teenage way

Pokemons or the parodies, for adolescents

Too scared to smoke weed!

‘Cause I’m the-

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony): We need a catchphrase

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Angela (Ian): Shut uup!

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony), singing: And Ian’s here too!

(Angela (Ian) pats Chanse (Anthony), peeking out from behind his shoulder)

Angela (Ian): I’m right here.

(Chanse (Anthony) moves aside)

Chanse (Anthony): Oh, sorry.

Chanse, narrating: Meanwhile, at the YouTube headquarters…

Chanse (Anthony): Mr. YouTube! Mr. YouTube!

(Angela (Mr. YouTube) is shown walking with an umbrella, using it as walking stick)

Angela (Mr. YouTube): Ah! Don’t bother me now, I’m in an awful mood, after a bad call with a store runner!

Chanse (Anthony): Well-

Angela (Mr. YouTube): They-! They are crushing us in the horny teen demographic! They are absolutely crushing us! I feel like I’m trapped in a box, man! A box, man!

Chanse (Anthony): Well, that’s just what I was gonna say! Look at this!

Chanse (Anthony), singing: I’m Boooooooxmaaaan! 

Angela (Mr. YouTube): Nice!

Angela (Mr. YouTube), singing:

Now it’s clear to me, I finally know,

My website depends on these teenage bros.

Give them money! Give them fame!

Their lives will never

Be! The!! Same!!!

Chanse, narrating: Ladies and gentleman: Two teenage boys!

Both, singing:

Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony): We’re getting monetized!

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony): We sold to Defy!

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony), singing: But I still want more…

Angela (Ian): (progressively draping herself over Chanse (Anthony)’s shoulders, her face getting more deranged) Anthony!! How cool is this! We have movies, TV shows, Babble adds! We’re gonna do this thing until we literally work ourselves into the grave! Isn’t it great?! I love you, but I’m also weirdly and constantly comparing myself to you when you’re around!

Chanse (Anthony): (shrugs Angela (Ian) off) Oh, my God!

Chanse (Anthony), singing:

Why would you make me hot, when I’m so smart?

Can I get to a place where I’m not…

Both: Hot and smart...

I made this channel back when I was sick,

My hair is grey and my walet’s thick

And my best friend gives me the ick [6]

(falls at his knees)

What is next? What should I do?!

(bangs his fist on the ground)

This is not the Smosh I knew!

(looks down at his hands)

Chanse (Anthony): But- I can fix this, right? Cause I’m…

(Angela (Ian) walks up to him and kneels down next to him)

Chanse (Anthony), singing:

Should I even try… (Angela (Ian) awkwardly puts her hand at his arm, but he brushes it off and stands up)

I’m gonna quit Defy

Now it’s me, myself and… (turns back and sees Angela (Ian), then looks back away)

Me…

Chanse, narrating: We cut to Anthony two years later. He’s making his own content, which is mostly him talking about why he left Smosh, over, and over, and over… and over again. It’s not sustainable, and he knows it.

Angela (Anthony): Think Anthony, ugh come on! Your channel is getting terrible views, it’s almost like your content is really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad. Come on, I can do this! What do I have that Smosh doesn’t? Think…

Angela (Anthony), singing:

Comedy is bullshit,

Vloging’s just for squares

I’m saying that ‘cause I tried both and views just don’t compare,

To what I had…

Both:

What should I do?

(camera gets really close up to Angela (Anthony)’s face, with her holding her fist up in front of her like she’s singing into a mic)

Angela (Anthony), scream-singing:

I GOTTA FIND MY NEW SEEELF!!!

MAKE MY OWN FIVE MINUTE HIT!!!

I GOTTA FIND MY NEW SEEEELF!!!

OR I WILL LOSE MY FUCK-ING SHIT!!! 

Angela (Anthony): Think Anthony! C’mon! Do some yoga! (camera pans down to show Chanse doing a Crow Pose[7]) Downward dog- (gibberish)[8] Ugh! It’s not working!

Angela (Anthony): Wait! The answers… (looks down at her hands) they’re in the tats!

Angela (Anthony), singing:

Dig down deep, search myself!

Need something o-ri-gi-nal!

If only! I could know! POVs outside mine own!

Both:

Sexworkers, Kidz Bopps or adult babies!

Ex-mormons, trans people, nudists, furries!

Huge bodybuilders, professional cuddlers!

Flat Earthers or strippers, and substitute teachers!

Angela (Anthony):

But most Importantly!

They get to talk to me!

Chanse, narrating: And just like that, he found it: “I spend a day with…” - a show where Anthony interviews marginalized people for an hour and then keep all the profits! You know, like a hero! And just like that…

Angela (Anthony), scream-singing:

I FOUND MY NEW SEEELF!!!

I’VE MADE MY OWN FIVE MINUTE HIT!

NOW THAT I FOUND MY NEW SEEELF!!!

I DON’T NEED SMOSH, I’M! THE!! SHIT!!!

Chanse, narrating: Meanwhile, across the river at Smosh…

Both, singing:

(both of them move from one side of the view to the other, hunched over as if searching and moving their hands like robots, completing it by accenting their singing like “robots”)

Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?

Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?

Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?

Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?

(camera panes out toward the organ)

Josh: Ha! I’m Rhett and Link! And we'll take your channel and see if it will pizza! *menacing laugh*

(camera pans back)

Both: *screeching*

(Chanse is shown wearing blond wig)

Chanse (Shayne): Agh, I’m Shayne, and I’ve been carrying the channel on my back for so long and I can’t hold on much longer! Smosh is in trouble! If we don’t do something immediately, we’re toast! You have to make the call, Ian!

Angela (Ian): I’m Ian and I won’t make that phone call.

Chanse (Shayne): You must!

Angela, narrating: Meanwhile, at Anthony’s mansion…

Chanse (Anthony), singing:

My channel’s finally found a voice,

And I’m making so much money

But if I’m being honest, I miss my friend,

And being funny…

Angela (Ian): *ring ring ring* Hey, uh… It’s Ian.

Chanse (Anthony): It’s Anthony…?

Angela (Ian): Yeah, I know, uh- I was just wondering… 

Chanse (Anthony): What?

Angela (Ian): Listen, I really like the work you’re doing; Giving people with different perspectives a platform, but… Doesn’t any part of you want to go back to making the same, ill-informed, sexist, homophobic content we’ve made fifteen years ago?

Chanse (Anthony): Wow… I spent a day with so many people, but I guess the only person that I haven’t spent a day with… (exaggeratedly shrugs) is my best friend.

Angela (Ian), singing: I’ll spend a day with you!

Chanse (Anthony), singing: (in a much deeper voice that he used before) You’ll spend a day with me!

Both, singing: We’ll spend a day together, once again,

We’re Ian and Anthony!

I’ll spend a day with you!!!

Chanse (Anthony): We’ll summon a demon!

You’ll spend a day with me!

Chanse (Anthony): Be given an (?) !

And the future of Smosh is okay,

Cause I’ll spend a day,

I’ll spend a day,

I’ll spend a day!

Angela (Ian): *sigh* Everything is back to normal

Chanse (Anthony): Yeah! Let's agree to never sell our creative property to a major corporation again

Angela (Ian): Let's never ever ever do that!

(Both turn to look directly into the camera while pointing at it)

Both: Hold us to it!

(They look back towards each other)

Chanse (Anthony): And one more thing. We should address the sexual tension between us, that’s perpetrated not only by fans but our own actions, on screen AND OFF. Let’s talk about it, right here. Right now…

(They slowly move closer, grasping and embracing each other as if they were about to kiss)

(Then Chanse (Anthony) abruptly pushes Angela (Ian) back and sharply turns away)

Chanse (Anthony): No, hah!

Chanse, narrating: We cut to the Smosh studio where the whole gang is reunited.

Angela: I’m the Smosh cast and half of us are late to the meeting!

Both: (jumping up in excitement) Yay!!

Both, singing: (clapping to the rhythm of music)

‘Cause he’s the man with the viral touch!

Chanse: I’ll spend a day with you!

Both: Man with the viral touch!

Angela: I only wanna be with you!

Both: Man with the viral touch!

And we have all!

Been!!

Touched!!!

…

..

.

(Music abruptly cuts off…)

.

References:

[4] - These caps have "Ian" and "Anthony" written on them, with Amanda and Chanse wearing them respectively. I just wrote down who is playing which role at the moment (cause they do switch the caps) for simplicity

[5] - They make this bit in the TNTL #143 (the second musical one)

[6] - According to Wikipedia articles on the topic, the ick is used to describe "A sudden feeling of disgust or repulsion for someone one was previously attracted to"; do with that what you will (I didn't know it until just now)

[7] - The Crow Pose, also called Kakasana

[8] - the gibberish sounded like a butchered version of original name for the Downward Dog yoga pose (written in latin it being Adho Mukha Svanasana), but I didn't know how to write it's botched version so the reference would still be clear

.

The Hecklers

(...to Keith running onto the stage while his Stripping Bit Music is playing. He dances with Chanse and Angela fo a bit, the throws off his clothes and dances only in his gold boxers for a while)

(After everything is cleaned up, The Pastor walks back up onto the podium)

The Pastor: Wow!

The Pastor: Wow, give it up once again to Chanse and Angela, that was incredible! (clapps)

The Pastor: In-credible!

The Pastor: Also, give it up to Keith!

The Pastor: I think that’s the eight times you’ve done the striptease in a video? Which qualifies you as a sex offender, so congratulations. (clapps)

(Keith, smiling widely, turns towards the audience and joins clapping)

The Pastor: No, don’t- don’t clap to that!

The Pastor: Um- (leans over the podium) You got all your money?

(Keith is shown picking up all the “money” he dropped when he threw off his coat

The Pastor: Um, Okay. (looks up) Everyone, we have a very special guest that we kept a secret from all of you. Some describe them as Smosh from an alternative universe, if that universe was a little less funny and a lot more gay.

The Pastor: Ladies and gentlemen: Dan and Phill!

(Two people in red monk? robes bring in a TV screen on wheels, putting it besides Anthony’s casket. The screen is showing static, which then cuts to a video showing static)

Phil: My guys… thanks for having us.

Dan: This is a sad time. (Turns towards Phil) I feel like I’ve lost a brother… People always think that me and Anthony look so similar - same eyes, same hair, same nose- well, we used to have the same nose but then… *awkward cough*

Phil: We were so proud when Anthony got Smosh back, but we’re also proud about his impactful and original solo content, like “I spent a day with…”, and his sketches with us.

Dan: *chuckles* Remember that time when he just vlogged himself in his swimwear, doing slip-n-slide with his ex-girlfriend. Good content, bro!

Phil: But while legacy, Smosh used to be the most subscribed channel of all time! What happened? It’s almost like two guys yelling at each other for six minutes stops being funny when you’re not six years old anymore

Dan: Hey! Smosh may not have epic and impressive stunts like Mr.Beast, but as long as Shayne can just read shit off Reddit… You’ll be alright

Phil: For a man who identifies as a straight man by their proximity in a hot tub, Anthony has the worst gaydar ever! Once at VidCon we got smashed on tequila sunrises with Joey Graceffa, and Anthony thought we were having a “bro moment”.

Dan: I have, unironically, bought the Sexy Anthony Calendar when I was 19, and when he found out he just said “Thanks for your support”. I once told him I couldn’t wait to get back to his house to slobber over his fatty, and he took me to a burrito truck.

Dan: What a dumbass! A dumb, fuckable ass…

Phil: (nodding) The world lost a good himbo.

Dan: Hey, look! I don’t do this to be mean. He’s not dumb, he just smoked so much weed that he thinks sitting in a chair with someone for 20 minutes is spending a whole day together

Phil: We’ve been with him through some hardest moments of his life!

Dan: So many exes…

Phil: He stayed at our house when he got his tattoo, came all the way to the London, spent all that money, only to look like someone dropped a plate of Squeal Out paste [9] on a C-Tier OnlyFans twink.

Dan: The tattoo artist actually got violently electrocuted while it was happening, but just played it of as intentional *sigh* Now he looks like someone just inverted colors on my Sexy Anthony Calendar after I spent a five minutes with it in a bathroom

Phil: It felt like he finally got to a good place in his life, where he could be truly authentic. He found a “unique” way of styling himself - he searched “edgy”... on Pintrest.

Dan: Anthony dresses like if Edward Scisorhand fell into a cabinet at a pornshop.

Phil: Hey!

Dan: Sorry, we apologize. That was very insensitive to Edward, he would never let his hair get this crusty and disgusting, like he had someone jizz on them and then left it on the sun for ten days. Like my Sexy Anthony Calendar

Phil: We wish Ian all the best in running Smosh without Anthony… Again.

Dan: But if you need another YouTubers to bail out Smosh again do not come to us, okay? Not because we don’t have the money, but because we don’t believe in you.

Phil: Goodbye!

(The whole screen turns into static, then cuts back to the funeral set.)

The Pastor: Wow! Wow, wow… Wow!

The Pastor: Thank you Dan and Phil, that was- that was crazy horny.

The Pastor: So, um, hopefully our next guest isn’t as horny, and that is- Oh, shit! It’s The Bikini Girl…

.

References:

[9] - Squeel Out is a disk break grease paste for bikes with a cartoon pig on it's jar, it usually comes in black.

.

The Bikini Girl

(Cortney struts up to the podium, ostentatiously shaking her butt, then pulls out a note from her bra)

The Bikini Girl: (in high-pitched, overly sweet tone) Ooh! Huh… warm… 

The Bikini Girl: Hah… Hello people wearing clothing!

The Bikini Girl: Today, Bikini Girl, the barely clothed lady that Ian and Anthony put in every video from 2009 to 2015, and, for some reason, present day!

The Bikini Girl: I am honored to be speaking at the funeral of Anthony Penis. I’m honestly honoured to be speaking at all! Usually I’m only allowed one line, and one puke. Get you a girl who can do both two things one time! (does a peace sign)

The Bikini Girl: I am so, so sad Anthony is dead… *exaggerated anime-like fake crying* Wah! Oh, waah! Wah…

The Bikini Girl: He and Ian always reminded me of my boobs… because there’s two of them! And one of them refuses to go to therapy! Plus seeing only one is unsettling and shockingly sterilizing…

The Bikini Girl: Um, you know, uh… *high pitched chuckle* Sorry, not used to talking for so long

The Bikini Girl: Actually, you all remind me of boobies, hihi!

The Bikini Girl: One that’s so perky it’s honestly alarming - that’s Arasha! One that is firmed up from being overused and overworked - that’s Shayne! One that always pops out at 3 am at WeHo - that’s Chanse! 

The Bikini Girl: One that when you squeeze it, it feels like it’s squeezing you back… that’s Amanda! Hihi, uhuh!

The Bikini Girl: One that if you breathe near it, it will go “Oh my gosh! That is literally the smartest thing you've ever said!” - that’s Angela! One boob that knows how to edit, but is just a cunt - that’s Tommy!

The Bikini Girl: I know two that- that are hairy and old, those are testicles and these are Rhett and Link!

The Bikini Girl: One boob that is definitely listening right now, that’s Keith!

(Keith is shown, visibly not listening)

Keith: Wha-what did you just say?

The Bikini Girl: One boob that you see at middle school and makes you think, “Am I Gay?” - that’s Brendon.

The Bikini Girl: I loved working at Smosh. My job was bikini. Just bikini. My day rate was 200$, and as a tip I could make men act uncomfortably for 12 hours.

The Bikini Girl: And, uh, you know (spreads arms) many other women had played role of Bikini Girl, which reserved me roles that were more respectable for women, like “Ugly Pikachu” and “Women on date with Ian”

The Bikini Girl: Not to toot my own thumb but I was a star! A big star, uhuh! Thumbnails are so important, why else would you click on the video, because it’s funny? No! (starts laughing at high pitch and jumping up, making her boobs jiggle)

The Bikini Girl: I was even in the video “Slow-mo Bikini Girl - Behind the scenes”. It has a behind-the-scenes clip where Ian and Anthony spray me with a hose in their front yard and call it “pervo vision”. Ian looks to the camera and says “It’s wish fulfillment kids - this is why you become a writer”. Such an awesome thing to say!

The Bikini Girl: They got 14- oh, oop- they got 4.9 million views, and I got hypothermia! *in a whiny sad tone* I couldn’t use their towels ‘cause they were too crusty…

The Bikini Girl: Anthony, Ian! Are you shaking in your boobs right now? Okay…

The Bikini Girl: But give them a break, they were boys when they wrote those sketches. And they still are.

The Bikini Girl: But- oop, sorry, not these words- hello, hi… Oooh, that’s a new letter, that’s fun… 

The Bikini Girl: Oh, yes! They are still boys. Boys will be boys, girls will be girls, and please- oop, oh God! So many words!

The Bikini Girl: Boys will be boys, girls will be girls, and women will be two scawy, aah! Women awe scawy, cause it’s Bikini Girl, remember? Bikini. Girl. To clarify, not Bikini Woman, it's an important distinction. Girl. I’m a girl. In a bikini. You put a girl in a bikini- that’s how you wrote it! 

The Bikini Girl: No Bikini Woman, because Bikini Women awe so scawy! women awe so scawy, ugh! What’s under your blouse, two perfectly round guns?! OOh!!

The Bikini Girl: Don’t worry, Ian and Anthony had grown so much since then. They’re self-aware now, and how problematic it is, and they’ll do it anyway!

The Bikini Girl: Um, I love you both. But, if you want me to come back it will be on my terms. Okay? And those terms are:

The Bikini Girl: Let a woman into the writers room, literally any woman.

The Bikini Girl: Also, let the writers room be a jacuzzi, yay! (starts squealing and jumping up)

The Bikini Girl: If anyone objects to these terms, speak now or forever hold your penis!

???: We object!

(Camera cuts towards the corridor that Brandon walked through, revealing two people standing in it)

.

The Custodians

(Rhett and Link slowly walk up to the podium, as The Bikini Girl skips back to her seat)

The Bikini Girl: (waving over her shoulder) Hi daddies!

Both: (eyes trailing her) Hi…

Rhett: We object and I am holding my penis.

Link: Sorry we didn’t dress to the occasion, we know that we aren’t guests that… you wanted to invite.

Rhett: Definitely not the first choice. 

Link: Uh, yeah. Ian’s Mom didn’t wanna come, she has a “girlfriend experience” scetchuled for her top OnlyFans payer.

Rhett: She also said that five minutes were not enough time to say all the things she wanted to say about the emaciated cuck of a son.

Link: We don’t know why you guys just didn’t invite some cancelled YouTubers that appeared on the Smosh channels over the years. Isn’t that a pattern? A YouTuber comes over, they get cancelled? Why can’t you just forgive them the way fans forgive Shaynes new show?

Rhett: *ekhm* Or did they not…

Rhett: You know, it’s honestly hard to come up with something bad to say about (gestures with both hands) this guy, like. Anthony Padilla is just a genuinely good guy, right? But, you know, now that he’s passed I think this is a perfect opportunity for us to reveal the real story of what happened when Ian and Anthony came to us wanting to buy Smosh back, okay?

Rhett: So there’s a story in the press that makes everybody look good, and then there’s the truth. And it didn’t start when we bought Smosh, or when we sold Smosh- It started the day that We Bought Smosh.

Link: You’re right. And from the beginning we were always like, yeah, it would be great if Anthony came back, we’re open to it! But the moment we brought it up with Ian he said, and I quote: “FUCK THAT GUY!!”

Link: “HE’S OVER THERE FUCKING- SPENDING DAYS WITH PEOPLE!! AND THAT MOTHERFUCKER ISN’T ACTUALLY SPENDING A DAY WITH PEOPLE, HE’S SPENDING HOURS WITH PEOPLE!!! HE’S SUCH A FUCKING LIAR!!! I HATE THAT BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL MAN!!!

Link: That’s what he said.

Rhett: (nodding) Yeah, I remember that. I was there.

Rhett: But over time Ian had a change of heart, he came to us and said “I feel like I need to rekindle my friendship with Anthony before I’m older than Rotten Tomatoes audience score for Smosh: The Movie”

Rhett: (looks into the camera) And if you’re at home taking shots every time somebody makes a joke about Smosh: The Movie, take your third shot.

Link: So then one day Ian and Anthony together showed up at our office to say (turns towards Rhett) they wanted to buy Smosh back…?

Rhett: (nodding) Mhm

Link: …from us.

Rhett: Yup.

Link: And in order to tell you exactly how that went, um… let’s roleplay.

(Link rips his shirt open)

(Rhett pulls out a Sharpie and starts to draw over his chest and arms)

Link: Hands, get the hands… and there (points at his neck and shows it to Rhett)

Rhett: I’ve never seen the back… (starts to smear all over Links chest)

Link: (flinches back) Hey- don’t get the nipple!

…

Rhett: Alright! (claps) I’ll be Anthony.

Link: …

(Link starts to put his shirt back)

Link: Ugh, whatever…

Courtney: They’re making you put it back on-?!

(Link continues to, slowly, put his shirt back on)

Link: Hold on! I-I’ll be us…

Rhett: Yeah, sure. This is exactly how it went down, okay?

(Rhett stands in front of Link, arms linked and head down)

Rhett: …

Rhett: (In baby voice) Can we pwease have it back? Can we pwease have it back, can we-can we pwease? I mean… We sold it fow fwee, can we get it back fow fwee?

Link: Anthony, it’s… We can’t just sell it for free, I mean… there’s still some value associated with it. I mean the main channel still has 36 million subscribers, and 1.5 of them- still watch, occasionally.

Rhett: And that’s when Anthony said:

(Rhett starts to exaggeratedly hyperventilate and clench his hands) 

Rhett: I’ll do anything man, listen- (leans really close to Link) I’ll show you my secret for making my interviews not interesting…

Rhett: (rears back and starts waving his hands around) Oh, no no no, I got it-! I got it-! I got it-! 

Link: Yeah…?

Rhett: I’ll keep making the same shitty content that Ian has been making without me…

Rhett: Oh, no no no, I got it-! I got it-! I got it - I’ll give you 10 plain black T-shirt that’s like 7000$...

Rhett: Or, no no no, I’ll spend a day… (leans in really close to Link) with your wifes. 

Link: He- he did say that.

Rhett: Oh, no no no, I, uhm, I, uh, I- I’LL TEACH YOU GUYS HOW TO SUCK YOUR OWN DICK!!! WHY DO YOU THINK I STARTED TO DO ALL THAT YOGA?! TO SUCK MY OWN DICK! AND NOW I CAN- I CAN SHARE MY KNOWLEDGE WITH YOU GUYS!! I CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO SUCK MY- YOUR OWN DICK!!!

Link: And I’ve said: Heh, you’ve got a deal!

Link: Ian was ecstatic, but he had three requirements for the deal to go trough:

Link: Uh, he wanted to ensure that he would continue to only give at most 30% effort, at any moment.

Link: Um, he also wanted to keep parking his Porsche next to his editors’ Honda Civics…?

(Ian is shown nodding along, mouthing “yeah” several times)

Link: And he really wanted to make sure that he could still drink breast milk from a hydro flask at every single… meeting…?

Rhett: Yeah. And we denied all these requests but he caved really quickly. The deal went through, we added a clause to the agreement though and that was:

Rhett: In case of Anthony’s death, Smosh reverts to us. (spreads arms) So you’re looking at your new owners again!

(Ian is shown acting distraught at this)

Link: Of course we’re too busy to be involved at day-to-day level so we’ll bring a new CEO, he’s great. He’s from the company… (snaps to remember) What’s it called again?

Both: (pointing at each other) Oh! Defy Media!

Link: Dustin Diamond?

(they proceed to walk down towards the audience seats, not saying anything else. Their place takes The Chosen)

.

The Chosen

(The Chosen walks up to the podium, stands with his back to the audience, then looks over his shoulder all badass. He then turns back completely, leaning with his hands on the podium)

The Chosen: Greetings. I am the Chosen.

The Chosen: You’re probably wondering why I look so badass right now… It’s because we’re on a cusp of the greatest battle in the entire history of the whole universe… And also I got queso on my three-wolves-moon shirt… And I fell off my razor scooter on the way here.

The Chosen: Laying before us (turns towards Anthony) is the greatest adversary, in all of human history. (turns back)

The Chosen: The final boss: Anthony Padilla.

The Chosen: *deep sigh* If he reawakens… the world will be thrown into a freaking. Hellscape.

The Chosen: Tragically, it wasn’t always meant this way… 

The Chosen: In fact, believe it or not… Anthony was once… The Greatest Chosen to ever exist.

(audience gasps)

The Chosen: His tale begins eons ago, the year 2005. Merely 4 years after 9/11, Anthony’s powers were… undeniable.

The Chosen: He created Smosh entirely by himself. And he was a Master of Coding - which is code for being able to use code.

The Chosen: Despite this, The Chosen Council was sceptical. You see, Anthony didn’t look like your typical Chosen. His appearance could be only described as… (glances at Anthony) Magician with allegations… Or if Pete Wentz was white.

The Chosen: Despite my protests, The Chosen Council denied him. So, Anthony had to carve his own path. He left Smosh, and after making some of the worst content known to men… he decided to spend a day with every kind of person, absorbing their powers.

The Chosen: Artists, scientists, survivors, satanists, furries and… Dream.

The Chosen: He truly spent a day with every kind of person besides an acting coach.

The Chosen: When he returned to Smosh, his powers were so great he had gained power to alter environments - like how he completely erased the entire cast from the main Smosh channel. But these powers proved to be too tempting…

The Chosen: Anthony began to stray from the light - he stopped gaming, and began to cover his body in stupid tattoos that, unlike mine, do not come off in two to three washes.

The Chosen: Worst of all… Anthony Padilla… had sex!

(audience gasps)

The Chosen: (progressively louder and angrier) He broke the sacred No-Fap Rule of The Chosen! With every excruciating nut, his personality became more cringe! With every devastating bust, his content became more like Jubilee!! He comet his entire purpose away!!!

The Chosen: Until he became (turns towards Anthony) Calamity Chosen!

The Chosen: And no matter what I did I couldn’t stop him! (turns towards Anthony)

The Chosen: You were The Chosen one! It was you who’d bring the balance to Smosh, not leave it in darkness! You were my brother, Anthony! I loved you!

The Chosen: *sigh* (turns his back towards the audience) I couldn’t save him… I failed us. (turns back)

The Chosen: And now, on this very night… Calamity Chosen will return.

(starts humming repeatedly “pa” to the Avengers credits music cadence)

…

The Chosen: In order to defeat him… it will require every Chosen in the known multiverse, including The Chosens in this very room who’ve been lying dormant, awaiting for this very moment. Prepare now, to be Chosen!

The Chosen: Brandon Rogers… is Chosen. His ability to hold time is impressive. His YouTube channel has stayed in 2015 for 8 years.

The Chosen: Courtney Miller is Chosen! It’s fascinating to witness what a middle schooler would be like at 28 years old.

The Chosen: Arasha is NOT Chosen. She is more of a ChoseMe.

The Chosen: Tommy! Tommy is Chosen. Because being gay is a choice.

(general sounds of disagreement)

The Chosen: Just-! Just kidding. Being gay is not a choice… but being depressed is.

The Chosen: Angela… is Italian.

The Chosen: Amanda is not Chosen, because she looks like shit, smells like shit, and is overall a massive piece of shit!

(Amanda is shown flipping him off with both hands while laughing)

Amanda: Fuck you…

The Chosen: Ian… *sigh* Anthony’s sidekick.

The Chosen: Believe it or not, you are Chosen. The plot of Five Nights At Freddys is actually based on Ian’s experiences at Chuck E Cheese. Just ask Matpat who’s here- (starts frantically looking around) Is he not here-? Oh shit, Matpat was supposed to be here. Oh, we’re fucked-!

The Chosen: No, we’re not. Okay! Chosens, we’ve got this!

(takes out a katana from scabbard on his back)

The Chosen: The battle against Anthony will be fierce! But if we stand together we can defeat him! And once we do, we will dine (raises the fist with a katana into the air) at Chillies!!!

(Shayne walks down from the podium, surrounded by ovations. His place takes up The Vessel.)

.

The Vessel

(Angela walks up to the podium)

The Vessel: Hey everybody! It’s, um Angela. Sorry, I’m just not feeling so well-

(Her eyes start rolling, she starts gasping and grunting as a much raspier voice speaks through her)

The Vessel: It’s me! The Vessel! I’m your daddy and I’m gonna eat your ass family style! Agh!

The Vessel: Oh guys, sorry that was weird-

The Vessel: It’s me, The Chat! Taking over to roast Anthony’s itty-bitty assy! These are directly submitted by you guys, the fans! *verbally keysmashes*

The Vessel: Ugh! Let’s begin the roast, okay?! Yeah!

The Vessel: You all submitted over 6 thousands roasts; there are just some of them- JK, just the good ones! *gibberish*

The Vessel: /105punkroad said: “Anthony is so vegan that he can’t even eat pussy” *laughs maniacally*

The Vessel: /Amy wrote: “Anthony looks like if a 5 year old drew her imaginary boyfriend” Uggh! These are fucking good!

The Vessel: /Brett wrote: “Anthony is like if a Skunk became a real boy.”

The Vessel: /ClaireVamp wrote: “Anthony is the first straight man to experience twink death.”

The Vessel: /Darwin wrote: “Anthony looks like he goes “where’s my hug at?” to people” Agh! That was a good one!

The Vessel: /MJPXD - sick nick by the way - wrote: “Anthony Padilla: died by… chickwin. … Joulkink. … Chelkin?

Ian: Jelqing!

The Vessel: I don’t know what that word is! *verbal keysmash* Fuck!

The Vessel: /PageAshlyn wrote: “The lines on Anthony’s body are the failed attempts to find the clit.”

The Vessel: /Cecile(?) wrote: “We all know Josh can find the citorys-! (looks back down) …huh? … That’s what it read. Nevermind-

The Vessel: /CD4999 wrote: “Anthony is like if you took an image of every Johnas Brothers, compressed it into one and then made it into a JPEG, sounds like it too” *verbal keysmash*

The Vessel: /QR(?) wrote: “You might be wondering why it’s never Anthony and Ian - it’s actually because Ian always comes first” Oh! This is some good shit!

(Both Anthony and Ian are shown facepalming)

The Vessel: /Jenna wrote: “Hey Anthony, are you Keith’s cancer? Because I’m sure as fuck happy you’re gone” Aagh! That one hurt even for me!

The Vessel: /CJ wrote: “Smosh is (?) for mentally ill” That one hurt to say, CJ.

The Vessel: /(?) wrote: “Arasha loves the Bollywood movie “3 Idiots”. Funny enough, that's the equivalent of brain cells she has.”

(audience boos, shaking their heads in disappointment)

The Vessel: … It was more of a comment than a joke, my guy. Ughh…

The Vessel: /swagmoneypugs wrote: “The Chosen has baby nipples” *chortles*

(camera shows everyone turning towards Shayne to look at his chest and many of them comments that it’s true; he looks down with a sad face)

The Vessel: /anonymous wrote: “Ian is like if Chanse was gay”

(everyone is shown to be confused)

(Amanda gasps suddenly)

The Vessel: (deep breath) Oh! Thank God I didn’t have to say anything mean-!

(she starts gasping again)

The Vessel: When Anthony laughs, it kinda sounds like this: *fake-sounding laugh* It sounds like a dolphin on a first date, ugh-! Just kidding! That was me, I just did it in the voice.

(The Vessel walks down the podium and The Pastor replaces her on it)

The Pastor: Alright, *clap* let’s give it up to The Vessel (claps) … Wow. Frickin’... a lot of-... a lot of vagina jokes… which is fine.

The Pastor: Also, let’s give it up one more time for Shayne. (claps)

The Pastor: You know, both Shayne’s father and grandfather were pilots in the military, which explains why Shayne is able to go under the radar of Hollywood for so long.

(Shayne is shown covering his face as if in shame)

The Pastor: Well folks, we are nearing the end of this live and look! We didn’t have to make a single cringy-ass life video!

The Pastor: You see, Anthony made two of them - because after the first one, he had notes.

The Pastor: However… There was one more secret that was kept this entire time, and I think it’s about time for this secret to be uncovered. (to the audience) Are you guys ready for this? Are you ready?

(Everyone nods in confirmation)

The Pastor: …The secret is, that I was the hot one!

The Pastor: (in goofy excederated voice) Yeaah! That’s right! It was me! You don’t believe me?! You want proof?!! Okay! You’ll get proof! (pulls out a framed picture) This is Anthony as a baby!

(audience screams in shock)

The Pastor: That’s right! THAT (points at picture) is actually Anthony! This ice climber with frostbite was Anthony! This is The Hot One?! I don’t think so! What, was his mother’s womb full of bees?!

The Pastor: I mean, he’s got the- he’s got the hairline of a 50 year old construction worker! After I saw this photo, I had to google if Benjamin Button disease was a real thing! I… It looks like he’s cringing it- all the cringe content that he’s about to create! (puts the picture down) But really…- (picks it back up) I’ll just show it one more time, Jesus Christ. That’s- that’s bad. (puts it back down)

The Pastor: … *sigh* Okay, let’s never see that again.

The Pastor: Uhm, but now that it’s settled, I think we all can finally lay Smosh’s second hottest member to rest. But before I do that, I just wanna say, [insert quick genuine comment about Anthony]...- Oh, sorry. The writers put that in there for me, but I couldn’t come up with a nice thing to say… (shrugs) Sorry.

The Pastor: (turns towards Anthony) But- But seriously though, I feel so fortunate to have become your friend again. And, honestly, I probably would’ve still been working at Chuck E Cheese if it wasn’t for everything that you did for Smosh.

(Anthony is shown listening intently, tearing up a bit)

The Pastor: You are one of the hardest workers, you have such a great eye for content. I’m so proud to be down this path with you… (spreading arms towards Anthony)  I love you…?

(audience is shouting in surprise)

The Pastor: So… Now that it’s been all told, I think there’s just one more thing that’s left to do… *deep sigh* I have to show Anthony my cock.

(Ian starts walking towards Anthony, grabbing himself by the front of his pants)

(suddenly, Anthony sits up with a gasp)

.

The Dead

(Audience screams in shock and Ian stumbles back, as Anthony sits up in his casket. He stretches, yawing, then rubs his eyes)

The Dead: Sorry, got… water in my eyes, because… that was about to come out and it is… onion. Yeah.

(takes out a piece of paper and unfolds it)

The Dead: Good. All good… Woah! Thank you all so much for that! That was the most affordable version of “Undercover Boss” (looks sternly and points at everyone in a sweep, then tapps his ear) I’ve been listening the whole time.

(looks down at the paper)

The Dead: “While it’s honestly been so much fun etc.”

The Dead: First of all I just wanted to say, thank you for recycling the same three jokes, over and over. Um, before we bought Smosh I had a feeling this would happen and I wrote down a few… guesses of what you would talk about. Let’s see how many of those I got right:

The Dead: (reading off the paper) Something about my tattoos, something about my clothes, something about me leaving, something about me being vegan, something about my obsession with yoga, something about my dick piercing, something about my hair…

(the whole audience erupts into questions)

Chanse: Wai-wait, what was the last one?

The Dead: The hair.

Chanse: Before that!

Audience #1: The other one!

Audience #2: We need proof!

(everyone cracks up)

The Dead: Pretty much covers it, right? Uhm… Yeah, I really wrote that beforehand, it’s… crazy.

The Dead: I’m not gonna counter-roast. I’ll let you bask in- in what you just said and feel bad, for what you just said… Yeah.

The Dead: (snaps his fingers) Like (points) Shayne, for example. … You are funnier than Ian and me combined. … That’s like two Ian’s and ten me’s.

The Dead: I won’t talk about how you were once known for a promising TV career… and now you’re known for wearing a T-Shirt with limes on it. …

The Dead: And also I just want to say, I’m grateful for your laugh. You’re the only one that can laugh louder than me, and… you also remind us that Smosh Games was supposed to be funny.

The Dead: …

The Dead: …I’m not done, with you Shayne. I used to forget how to spell- I used to forget what your last name was. Entirely. But then, I remembered that you’re top-heavy, like a sexy dreidel.

The Dead: ... (snaps his fingers) Ian. I have so much to say to you in a second. But first… (points)

The Dead: Arasha. In the past six years that I’ve gotten to know you-

(audience is confused)

The Dead: Sorry, six months! I’ve been stalking you-. It’s been great to see you grow into your own voice at Smosh. But there is something… That I have been made aware of, that I’d like to address, now. Live. You’re in an ad for republican dating app…?

(gasps and yells of shock)

The Dead: …Where you essentially call guy a cuck for wearing a fanny pack?

The Dead: But don’t worry! Don’t worry, okay? I’m happy to let everyone know that we’re fully restructuring the vetoing process here at Smosh! … From now on we’re only hiring republicans. (hyping her up) Keep up the good work! Let’s go Brandon-!

The Dead: Rogers. … Brandon Rogers… is if the Joker bought a ring light. 

The Dead: When I describe our friendship to people, I describe it as … “friends that have done shrooms together” type of friends. Yeah… which means we were either really close or were on some YouTuber party and some YouTuber brought shrooms, and let’s just say - there is a huge difference between 10$ shrooms, and 1 million shrooms. Huge difference…

The Dead: (looks towards audience) That being said, don’t do drugs.

The Dead: But speaking of drugs - Keith.

(everyone bursts out laughing)

Keith: …What?

The Dead: Just want to say… it has been amazing, watching you go through this journey and I’m… so impressed for overcoming and surviving… that wasn’t easy. … Smosh’s 8 Am call times.

Keith: I- I- I get here at 8:15.

The Dead: You will always be an inspiration, and a hero… for being able to coast, for years, by saying Big Dick Bee one time.

Keith: ... *defensive* That’s iconic…

The Dead: Speaking of creatures that I need a flyswatter to fend off, Angela.

The Dead: I wasn’t here when you got hired, but I quickly realised that the word is a better place because you are here…

(some of the audience is cooing)

The Dead: If you were a teacher… kids would think 9/11 just happened. If you were a lifeguard… you would use fallopian tube as a live preserver. If you were a mortician, you would accidentally drink formaldehyde. If we’re keeping you employed, the world is a much better, safer place.

The Dead: But seriously, I’m so happy that you’re in a cast- That- That you were cast.

(Angela rolls her eyes and rolls up her sleeve, patting the cast she has on her left arm)

The Dead: Speaking of formaldehyde… Celsius Energy fan number one, Chanse

The Dead: Chanse, I’m so sorry I came back to Smosh and ruined your one joke, saying “Who’s Anthony?” over and over and over…

The Dead: But seriously, you’re like a little brother to me… (starts pulling out his phone) Which is weird, because you slide into my DMs, all the time?

Chanse: (Nodding proudly) I do.

The Dead: All the time!

Chanse: (shrugs) *smugly* You responded.

(Anthony does an offended face, while everyone is losing their shit)

The Dead: … Like the other day, for example, I post this selfie and you said:

The Dead: WOOF WOOF GRRRRR BARK BARK BARK WOOF WOOF ARF ARF GRRR GRRRRRR RUFF RUFF BARK BARK.

Chanse: (gestures at his neck) And where’s my collar?

The Dead: … Are you proud of that?

(Chanse nods)

The Dead: Speaking of pride, Tommy.

The Dead: Tommy, you are really, really, really special.

The Dead: ...

(people start laughing)

The Dead: That wasn’t the joke!

Audience: Oh, sorry!

The Dead: You’re… on a special list of members at Smosh… on camera, despite not being a cast member at all. (starts pointing at things) You… grey couch… red phone… and Spencer. …

The Dead: But seriously, I love how well you work behind the scenes and in front of the camera, I love that you’re an entertainer, and I love your personal YouTube show, serving… (looks down at the paper) where you serve… C-word…-

The Dead: (looks behind the camera) Am I- am I actually allowed… to say that…? (nods and gives thumbs up, presumably back) Good to go. (turns towards Tommy) Clinical depression.

The Dead: Also I heard you readed your wardrobe and you’re desperately looking for someone to… tell you look good, I hope you find that.

The Dead: Alright… Ian. Listen to what I have to say to Courtney.

The Dead: Courtney, we have known each other for so long, and since coming back to Smosh I was surprised how everyone grew and evolved - you’ve grown into such an independent creator. You directed this whole funeral - round of applause… (starts clapping)

(everyone cheers and claps)

The Dead: …But there are some glaring issues, if you don’t mind.

The Dead: Um, let me just say - the trailer was amazing, no notes. The show? Some notes.

The Dead: First off, I wanted to commend you directing in a bikini. I've heard Steven Spilberg did this on the set of “Jaws”. Right up there.

The Dead: Uhm, and your acting is really great and I’ve seen you have improved over the last years - you acted like you have never heard any of these jokes before, despite being in the all writers rooms.

The Dead: Also (points down), can I just note that this coffin is the most uncomfortable piece of shit I’ve ever sat in… I had to prop myself up this entire time with my… body, because otherwise I’m gonna fall off and break this flimsy piece of shit. 

The Dead: Uhm… I had to prop myself up just like… I have… My number one thing on Smosh is to prop you up. Remind you that you are talented AND funny, can you PLEASE stop doubting yourself?! … Can’t you just do it yourself? 

The Dead: Like, I have a lot important things to do- I have more important things to do… Like bouncing off this fucking ledge. I’m serious, my- my… dick has fallen asleep. … And I don’t know if it’s the coffin, or if the show is just boring for my dick, which… Which is weird because my dick is usually very engaged.

The Dead: But I should- I should give you some slack though, directing is a very tall order…

The Dead: Amanda.

The Dead: You are the warm hug of Smosh. And I mean that. When I hug- when I hugged you earlier it was very warm, did you piss yourself?

Amanda: … Yes. I didn’t have time to go-

The Dead: It is so warm!

Amanda: Yeah. I’m sorry about that.

The Dead: You have such energy it’s hard to put into words… but I will try.

The Dead: You’re like if… Jessica Rabbit drove a minivan…

Amanda: …Oh my God, I love that!

The Dead: You’re like, if Betty Boop listened to true- true crime podcasts…

Amanda: *clap* I fucking love it..!

The Dead: You’re like if Marge Simpson was Marge Simpson.

(Amanda is shown scrunching her nose in disgust)

Amanda: Ew…

The Dead: Speaking of questionable parents that keep eating disgusting shit all the time, Rhett and Link.

The Dead: When I was gone it was so comforting that Smosh was in hands of such capable leadership, and if you guys (?) that would be great. You saw Smosh through its most difficult days and you kept it Smosh alive so I could join up after I’ve done some growing myself.

The Dead: You’re like Smosh’s divorced parents, and… you should keep the kids, and by that I mean (points) Chanse. (shoos him away) Go on, go on! You can visit on weekends, you can call Link daddy now. Be careful! Watch out, he DMs!

The Dead: Which brings me to the man of the hour… Ian.

The Dead: One thing I know abou Ian is, he may have some problems showing emotions, and…

(Ian stares directly into a camera like in The Office)

The Dead: …And since I’ve known him for 24 years, I’ve learned that he just has a unique way of conveying them. I’ll explain it to all of you

The Dead: If Ian’s nervous… he hides it by subtly burping mid sentence. And it works! Nobody thinks he’s insecure, just that he’s disgusting!

The Dead: (turns towards the camera) Why don’t you ever cut it out by the way, “Oh, the video is too long-” Just cut. Out. All the burps!

The Dead: If he’s trying to impress someone… he’ll lie. 

Ian: Wha-?

The Dead: Okay, so fans may recall that in 7th grade-

(Ian rolls his eyes and throws his hands up)

The Dead: -I’ve told him that I’ve kissed a girl - and yes, this is coming up again - I kissed a girl, and Ian goes “Oh, I kissed a girl too! She goes to another school”... And also you may remember that, his first kiss was in my bedroom… while I was kissing my girlfriend-

The Dead: Don’t worry though, I did not look! I was busy. But I did hear some sounds, mostly asking her if he could kiss her-

(Ian is shown pinching his nose in exasperation)

The Dead: And don’t worry, Ian is a consent King! I heard every 3 seconds - can I still kiss you? Can I still kiss you? Are sure you wanna- *burps* -still kiss me?

The Dead: Another tell is when Ian wants to confront you, he’ll sneak around you. When we’re in highschool I found out he was hanging out with these two girls, at the mall, and he didn’t invite me-

(Ian facepalms)

The Dead: -Which is weird, because we used to hang out every single day. And when I confronted him, he said “every time you hang out with girls you date them”.

(Ian throws his hands up)

Ian: …True!

The Dead: But Ian… you should have invited me, I would have protected you. These girls made you buy skinny jeans that day… and I would’ve never done something so terrible. Skinny jeans were my thing back then, and 20 years after that.

The Dead: If Ian is lonely…- Ian is lonely if he third wheels with me and my girlfriend, and you can tell that Ian has a girlfriend… when he’s gone entirely. Yeah.

The Dead: But also… (pulls out his phone) when you got him you gotta lock him in, okay? You gotta lock him in because it’s really hard when you flirt with Ian. Here’s my impression of Ian flirting:

The Dead: Have you seen this? Have you seen this? (holds up his phone next to him with sad face, staring blankly forward)

(Sad violin starts playing loudly, as a guy says that “this is what people on Titanic might have sounded like.” Then the video plays sounds of people screaming in panic, with the sad violin still playing. This goes on for about 20 seconds)

Ian: Works, every time!

The Dead: (turns off the video) …It does.

The Dead: But for real, thank you, thank you, thank you so much. I really appreciate you welcoming- welcoming me back to Smosh, and I’m really proud of every single person here at Smosh, every person that's ever touched the show. Everyone that made this happen, turned this into the biggest event in Smosh history.

The Dead: I really appreciate all you, for showing me love, by roasting and berating me, I really appreciate it. 

The Dead: And, um… I’m just so grateful for you.

The Dead: Ian said when we bought back Smosh, “If we burn it to the ground, I’m happy to do that with you”...

The Dead: And after tonight… sounds pretty good, I’m gonna burn this place down.

The Dead: (points towards the corridor) You got- you all got five minutes to get the fuck out.

.

The End.

.

[immortaledd]

Me when I mix Golden Cheese Cookie & Lord Eclipse (TSAMS)

I DIDN’T TOALLY MIX UP THE NAMES AND EDIT THIS POST NOOOOO

If he survived to see the death of his universe.

The fight is over. My enemies are no more.

But so is my kingdom.

My temples, my gold, my treasures, and my subjects. All of them.

I lost everything.

All that was gleaming, all that was mine.

My water carriers, my servants, my status and power.

all those little kids who played on my streets.

Moon. Whose failed assassinations always made me laugh.

Lunar. We had our differences. But none cared for the upcoming of my kingdom as much as you.

My Servant Sun, who died protecting my land.

They all were my possessions. My finest, most sentimental possessions.

Ramble to give some context!

You don’t gotta read this if you see ✨THE VISION!✨

Context of the image

I had a dream. A dream SO CRAZY, it brought Lord Eclipse from the DEAD. It genuinely sounds like a mix of an Alter Forming story and a Religious story. [I DO NOT HAVE D.I.D.]

One night I was getting ready to go to bed - and out of nowhere I just started heavily fixating on Lord Eclipse. I didn’t know why, but I was just extremely fascinated with his lore, details, and the possibilities of new context. That night, I went to sleep. I dreamt I was an Eclipse variation. My own Redeemed Eclipse AU [TWE], actually. I had gone dimensional hopping for the first time after being my tech allowed back.

I was at the bottom of a chasm that resembled a desert. Like I was at the bottom of the grand canyon. I walked forward, turning an awkward wall that revealed Lord Eclipse splattered on a giant rock. His back was completely destroyed and he seemed very much dead. I had froze in place for a hot second processing what I was seeing, staring at his open eyes.

Until he looked at me.

I was TERRIFIED at first, but brushed it up when I realized “THEY’RE ALIVE.” I pulled Lord off the rock and brought him back to the portal I came from. Then, I woke up.

->

After that, it felt like he was LOOMING over my shoulder at all times like any fictional character does when you’re delusional and tired enough. That day I drew my official Eclipse design (as you see in the first image) with the morse code “I’m Alive”. After that, he was gone. Like the message was delivered and I’ve been left like a weird ass spiritual medium.

WEIRD? yes. NOT REAL? absolutely. STILL POSITIVELY CRAZY AND LOWKEY REALLY FUN TO MAKE INTO LORE?? YEAAAAHHH?????

Yeah so since then I’ve been imagining him as alive and recovering off somewhere in a distant universe. This image is the idea of “What if he came back to see the aftermath?”

He’s devastated.

LOOSE QUOTE MONOLOGUE BREAKDOWN

This is where I’ll go over why I edited certain parts of the monologue

“The fight is over. My enemies are no more.”

Sun, Moon, Lunar, anyone who has ever had the chance of reviving or becoming to attack him no longer has that chance.

“My water carriers, my servants, my status and power.”

Originally ending with “my builders and architect”, this quote was altered due to the fact Eclipse built everything himself. He transformed the world to what he wanted. He also cared about his status and power WAY more with his philosophy, “it’s better to be feared than loved”.

“Moon, whose failed assassinations made me laugh.”

Moon wasn’t revived much, but whenever he did, it was only to amuse Eclipse and give him a sense of action. Eclipse does enjoy the revolutions that spawn over the centuries, but when it gets quiet for too long, his conscious starts to set in and he tries to distract himself with violence. Thus, he revives Moon, lets him roam, and waits for Moon to attempt to kill him. The sense of thrill rekindles Eclipse’s passion to live and the society’s passion to throw Eclipse off his throne. It never works, but it’s the only thing that makes Eclipse happy anymore.

Which, by the way, Eclipse’s world isn’t completely desolate like Lord Lunar’s world is. Eclipse has thousands of cities and generations of people who still roam. He’s much like a Greek God but is physically interactable. Everyone is under his direct watch. He is often fought back against for tyranny and violence. But the other half of the world praises him like the God he is. He can’t live without both aspects.

“Lunar, we had our differences. But nobody cared for the upcoming of my kingdom as much as you.”

Lunar was the reason he achieved getting the Star, despite betraying him. Lunar was one of the first he killed when it came to family, but he never shook off the sudden regret that came with it. He hates remembering the excitement in Lunar’s eyes when Eclipse finally made his world…and then the terror when Lunar realized he would not be a part of it.

“My servant Sun, who died protecting my land.”

Sun was killed by Dark Sun canonically to “put him out of his misery”.

“They were all my possessions. My finest, most sentimental possessions.”

Originally “treasures, my finest, most precious treasures”. He doesn’t treasure them, they’re still something he “owns” (in a sense). He doesn’t believe they’re precious, but they were something he didn’t realize how important they all were until he realized he couldn’t just bring them back to play with again. Suddenly, objects became people.