#to me as often as everyone else
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Youāre not a burden in your f/os eyes even if you need comfort or reassurance frequently. Your f/o loves taking care of you whether that be by listening to you, talking to you, spending time with you, helping you out, or simply reassuring you that everything is going to be okay. It puts them at ease to know they can make you feel even just a bit better in any way they can. ā¤ļøāš©¹
#self ship#self shipping#self ship community#self shipping community#f/o community#selfship#selfshipping#eveās reminders#as someone who needs comfort a lot (for a multitude of reasons)#sometimes i feel bad for imagining my f/os comforting me all the time just bc of how often i feel like i need it ;_;#but!! i shouldn't feel bad!! bc my f/os WANT to comfort me!! and take joy in comforting me and making me feel safe and happy!!#so hopefully this post will remind everyone else of that too <3
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i like him
#somebody needs to keep me 8 metres away at all times or else ill start chewing on him#i just want everyone to know if i end up making a character who happens to resemble harvey in any shape or form#it probably wasnt a coincidence šand it will happen again#if i remember maybe ill try getting stardew when it goes on sale.. my friend showed me her farm and she named her chicken after doja cat#or maybe it was nikki minaj i cant remember. and she also said smth about monsters and passing out if you stay out after a certain hour#idk how accurate tht is all i know is the funny fucked up grandpas bed#i read somewhere that harveys supposed to be in his early to mid thirties and i dont have a problem with it but i think itd be very funny#if hes actually younger than he looks hes just a med school postgrad lmao. idk how well that headcanon would hold up since ive#never played the game and idk how often ppl talk about his age or if itsjust an implied thing. i just think its really really funny#im trying to get into the habit of drawing poses so im using reference images to try and build up muscle memory#i found some cute pictures of two ppl playing by the sea shore and it reminded me of xin and sailor so im gonna draw em like that#i havent drawn em in so long..... maybe i should update xins reference since i changed their lore quite a bit#myart#my art#doodles#stardew valley#stardew#sdv#sdv harvey#kinda wanna see him whimper a little bit. as a treat
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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Something Iāve been thinking about lately is that small moment in āAir Turtleā where immediately after the Daves lose yet another game, Leo says how sorry he is and how heās doing his best as the mascot. This moment is so short but itās honestly jam-packed with a whole heap of characterization.
His need to apologize for things clearly not his fault - especially when it feels like he messes up the job he was given despite doing the best he can (the phrase āitās not about youā takes a new meaning when this is one of the lessons to be learned from that - that he is not always solely responsible for things going wrong), his need to save face and make a connection with an older adult man in his life (something he consistently does throughout the series - heās got a few daddy issues, always collecting potential father figures, itās no wonder he jumps at the bit to keep rapport), and the way he sounds and looks and the words he chooses really pushes how he is just a kid (āMr. the Dunk, Iām so sorryā).
Like I know itās a one off moment that doesnāt truly mean much, but when put against the rest of the series it works really well with the rest of Leoās established character and helps in solidifying later concepts as well.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt leo#rise leo#rottmnt headcanons#am I looking too much into things? almost assuredly yes#I actually appreciate how tim immediately goes āitās not your faultā as well? like he couldāve just blamed this 15/16 year old but he didnāt#but yeah this moment got to me a little mainly because it made me realize that Leoā¦DOES take responsibility for things a lot#he messes up a ton yeah but he says sorry at a pretty consistent rate#and yāknow thinking about it#THIS IS TINFOIL HAT TERRITORY BE WARNED#heās mentioned being betrayed by his brothers before - I wonder if it was something as simple as taking the fall for like#breaking something of Splinters or whatever#point is it wouldnāt be out of the ordinary for him to get the full blame for something only partially his fault#or not his fault at all in some cases#like in bug busters where Raph gets mad at Leo for not getting captured with them#(I understand Raphās mindset here a ton - Raphās the leader and heās likely lashing out so I donāt blame the poor kid)#but this plus the moment at the beginning of the movie#where only Leo is reprimanded despite Mikey and Donnie having full autonomy to join the fun pizza stacking#make no mistake this is not at all a diss on everyone else!!! itās just something I noticed#I think that āitās not about youā doesnāt just pertain to being arrogant and wanting the spotlight#I think itās also about how responsibility is meant to be shared#and like#Leo DOES mess up a lot! so heās honestly probably used to having the blame because it is often at least somewhat warranted#heās specifically described as being good at apologizing after all#tldr: Leo messes up a lot of the time so he is very used to blame and attention both good and bad#even when the full blame should not be solely on his shoulders
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Welcome one and all to my version of the party's loopified designs, featuring my many broken bones and blood stains I especially put into Odile who I tackled second unlike the alphabetical order that I have presented here! I'll have in-depth discussions on each designs and matching practice portraits under the cut but before that-
Siffrin 'barely taller than a preteen' no middle name no last name Loop is still barely taller than a preteen but now that preteen can claim fire to their height!
Alphabetical order GO!
Bonnie, who I've been calling Bonfire (which if that ends up being their name I can imagine Bonnie calling them 'Fire' while they call Bonnie 'Face' to match), was the last of my designs because frankly I knew from the start what their design was going to take influence from and also knew I was going to draw fire :P They were based on bonfires (of course) and also specifically the Burning Man effigies just for a humanoid figure, plus being a chef cooker and a campfire and also a very heated expressive person.
Their flames are hot but not actual wood burning so the Favour Tree (and Mirabelle in the height chart) are not at risk of combusting, they're just incredibly bright-
Isabeau my first design, with influences from @basilpaste 's Lock (with a dressform body) and @nullapophenia 's original version of Husk (the faceless identityless sketch), I have combined them both to make a mannequin it/its loopified design that finally gets to be capital T Tall all for the low low price of being Changed against its will and suffering another bout of body dysphoria that it can't fix anymore :) :) :) When I was referencing mannequins I actually noticed how long their legs actually were let alone how they were perma-stuck in that Barbie-like highheel pose and thought why don't I just curse Isa with something he previously wanted :P
Something something Isabeau actively Changed not only his body but his personality to become someone he wouldn't be ashamed of, yada yada Loopsabeau is back to hating itself and has started to become a person it despises to match (also like a mannequin it's head and arms are technically painlessly removeable :P)
Third in order and third in design is Mirabelle, who technically is the only loopified design with technically hair and clothes, but the hair are the tangled roots of the Favour Tree and the clothes are like the carved hardstone statues of religious figures :P Initially my Idea for Mirabelle was to make her kinda like her statue, with the wonky expression of someone who made it without much mastery over details, not to pit anything against Mira, no, no. Thought about maybe abstract statue design but I couldn't find a version I liked but I did always imagine her statue being weathered in some way, there was a reason why I saved her for third I couldn't pick what I wanted. But then I remembered the broken Change God statues, thought about the 'blessing' that ended up being a curse, and then thought about overgrown weathering and gave her the roots.
I actually looked up Black hairstyles and mostly wondered what specific hair texture Mirabelle had (she wears it in a fro of course, but she has flyaways that aren't coils, but she described her own hair as kinky and :P) so that if I were to mimic hair with tree roots I can get an appropriate matching hairstyle (settled on megatwists). Hah, if Mira has 4C hair, considering how long her hair actually looks, if she to wear her hair in twists she might actually have elbow length hair :P
I spent 8 non-consecutive hours on Odile can you tell? Can you see my hands bleeding my wrist breaking my eyes drooping? Yeah so Odile was again, my second design and it took me a week to recover, and she's a combination of gem and mirror suit with all the little fragments floating around her the 'diamonds' that represent all her family members party plus the ones she originally had in sets of 2. I also put geodes where parts of her body have broken off (inspired by how when the King strikes she can't move, plus also being a glass canon) where when I was actually drawing those geodes that they kinda use the Change symbol?
Circle within a circle within a circle, regardless of how wiggly it is, and at the centre is a cluster of crystals. That was an accidental reference to Odile's mixed heritage but hoo boy what a connection! Her missing pieces are a combination of 'being too old for this' fragility and also 'i didn't want to render more mirrors sue me'
Anyway I am going to put my wrist in a cast and imagine loopified party members with their pre-wish counterparts :P
#bonnie#bonnie isat#isabeau#isabeau isat#mirabelle#mirabelle chevalier#mirabelle isat#odile#odile isat#loop#loop isat#in stars and time#isat#isat spoilers#fanart#i saw someone mention in the tags of my previous isat post talking about the mirabelle chevalier tag#as soon as my grubby little broken mitts grab hold of either a physical or digital copy of the isat artbook#which as has been said by insertdisc5 include the last names of the characters (at least the ones that remember them)#i will not only continue using chevalier but also everyone else's last names in tags#replacing... one of the other character tags#a lot of my thoughts on the designs have been already said#but me and the same isat friends have some thoughts on how the loopified versions interact with their old selves#mirabelle is the nicest but may snap every so often in a 'arent you tired of being kind dont you want to go apeshit' kinda way#isabeau is a bitter jealous asshole who's regressed to being unkind thanks to not having the body it worked so hard to make once#odile is a little cold when talking to herself since pleasantries take too much time plus her 'i will do awful things [for da fam]' ways#and bonnie is bonnie so they're angry and pissed and sad they won't see their nille again but also they and bonnie are friends in the loop#speaking as someone who at bonnie's age didn't really have friends um whether or not i'm projecting i think fire and face can be besties#please enjoy these designs my kitten scratched me so hard i needed a bandaid for the price of angst and i think that's fitting#do i have an attached au to these designs? no. do i want one? maybe maybe i guess there's only so many ways to have an [x] loops au
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think. artists resemble their work the same way dogs resemble their owners
#no but like hear me out#i just started art uni and almost everyone looks like the art they draw#its either the aesthetic or the faces#we even have a professor that literally has the same face shape as her art#you could like#easily translate her face onto her art#even her cheeks are like pinkish-red in the sam way she draws them onto her characters#its insane#i often forget that i also look like my art#most of my characters have curly hair and square faces with big eyes#i dont see it but i think anyone else could look at me and and say i also resemble my art#its not true in EVERY case but i think we learn from what we know the best and what we know the best is ourselves#so thats why a lot of people look like their art
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I can just imagine that little Franziska used to love those horse movies
Like āno one can tame this horseā¦. this wild mare,.:ā¦. weāll have to send her to a farm upstateā¦..,,.ā
Franziska: :ā0
āNO!! I will take care of her!!!!! Sheās special to me!!!!ā
Franziska: :0!!!!
Sitting on her knees in the living room, eyes GLUED to the screen, holding her toy horses in her hands by their back legs and just STARING
Pleading with Miles to get the tape for her and rewind it back to the beginning and just bouncing next to him as he sighs and gets it all ready for her (this is one of the rare occasions where she can be FULLY excited for something and not worry about sitting still and immerse herself in it)
Sometimes she makes Miles play the villainous dad who wonāt let his daughter keep the wild horse (and we wonāt talk about symbolism hahahahaā¦ haā¦ sigh)
#ace attorney#miles edgeworth#franziska von karma#I think about the vk sibs all too often#franziska von karma certified horsegirl#Miles is very good at voices bc Franziska plays the main character and Miles plays Everyone Else#luckily for them theyāre both autistic so they have the whole play scene scripted out before they start#aka me lol
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Ais and Honesty
Another loresheet snippet i'm (minorly) expanding on and (majorly) looking to see what people think about it! It was just a small thing I noticed, having to collect all of these lines and shit, and that's that a lot of Ais's lines have to do with honesty.
Not just this line, of course. In the Red Spring post about the Amaryllis District, he says, "This district is the worst and only place to be honest in Eridia." And then he says this about Vere:
Not only that, but when Ais tells the MC to reconsider the Seaspring, and that he himself doesn't think drinking is worth it unless their curse is killing them, MC says, "You could've sold me if you were less honest. You're a shit salesman."
Honestly (ehehe) even when playing the demo the first time, I was struck by how open Ais is about thingsāhis frankness actually moved my interest in him above Leander, my previous #1 . Honesty is a core value for me IRL, so something tickled me about the violent mindfreak demon bluntly telling you he ditched you because he was lonely. He might kill me, but at least he won't lie to me~ Dream man for sure.
IDK what all this talking is culminating in, I just thought it was really interesting. It's cool to see a positive, āgoodā trait like honesty be shown in the recurring behavior of a morally dubious character, cos I think it adds texture (which the love interests HAVE to have for dating them to be interesting all the way through). It makes me wonder if his route will focus on how honest you and Ais can be with each other about the things that matterāor, perhaps, the consequences of that honesty.
And, now that I'm getting ready to post this: I wonder if each of the other characters' (including the DLC characters') has a recurring trait that can be so succinctly summarized, one that offers them texture simply by contrasting their baseline image? And if so, what are they, or what will they be? Interested to hear y'all's thoughts if you have any!
#touchstarved game#touchstarved ais#ais#archivist hypothesis#blabbervist#aisposting!!#love this guy#ais having āhonestyā as his trait is really a gimme#since he mentions it so often#give me ur personality secrets everyone else!!
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One of the funniest disconnects with actual play to me is how much the viewers/fandoms have a much broader awareness of everyoneās mechanics than the players themselves - and often assume for some reason that all the players have that same total awareness.
Funniest examples I can think of off the top of my head are when Laura was convinced Caleb (AC 11 wizard) had a higher AC than Yasha (AC 15 Barbarian) - likely influenced by fear for Yasha in Ashleyās absence and Yashaās position in melee meaning she was hit more by default. Another was when the entire CR crew aside from Laura revealed in the campaign wrap-up that they seem to have spent the entirety of C2 under the impression Jester had a very high Charisma score (her CHA was 12).
#not gonna main tag this as anything because it honestly is just a fascinating disconnect for me#but I donāt trust people to not be weird#Iād also love to hear any examples from other APs if anyoneās aware#I feel like this is something far more likely to happen in dense long form campaigns#than in shorter ones though#and I guess the point Iām getting at here is that fandoms often assume the players hold an all-knowing overview POV#about everyone elseās characters#and they absolutely do not
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I hate and love that my comic scratches the ultimate itch of the sort of narrative I want to consume because on the one hand, I love working on it and it is fully my Essence. But on the other hand, when I want to unwind and am craving a particular Type Of Story only to remember that it doesn't exist I'm just like......do I gotta do everything myself?
#it's not even that gtw is like.....particularly original#I guess melville just Won at the setting and everyone else was like 'okay we don't gotta do anymore'#that's why I read whaling journals IT IS ALL THAT WILL PARTIALLY SCRATCH THE ITCH#that isn't my own comic#all I've got is melville adaptations / things about the essex which are basically clinging to melville too#(don't get me wrong I love moby dick but...i want a new story!!)#aaaand the North Water which I just....didn't like at all lol. the book and the show#and the terror....the terror has similar vibes to what gtw will be but I can only rewatch the terror so often
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one day ppl online are gonna have to learn that there's no way to cordon off "male" sexuality as uniquely bad and gross without just ending up saying sexuality is bad and gross on the whole (conservative, reactionary, dangerous, tired)
#i feel like i see this so often and i'm sick of it#woman masturbating? Liberated! man masturbating? gross probably creepy and harassment actually!#woman wants to have sex? great! man wants to have sex? desperate!#single woman? she doesn't need a man. single man? Wenchless maidenless#obviously that doesn't even get into the het or cis assumptions-- forgive me for invoking these Categories#but like. switch it up as much as you want flip the script as much as you want but it's still the same old nonsense#as a woman: i don't want this on my behalf lmao#it helps none of us#also citing sarah schulman on the '#predatory' lesbian trope making accounts of ew gross a man was Into me feel especially uncomfortable#yay desire is shameful as always. thank god (cis) women are safe now.#safe purely as potential victims in a desireless and strictly gendered discourse landscape where no one is ever weird or wants#my posts#everyone else has already said this and smarter than i but whatever
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of all the star wars movies, which of them do y'all 1) enjoy the most 2) consider the best quality and 3) think you've rewatched the most. add your answers in the reblogs or replies, i'm genuinely curious how much of an overlap there is within everyone's three answers. mine don't overlap at all! they're revenge of the sith, empire strikes back, and the force awakens :^)
#len speaks#star wars#revenge of the sith#empire strikes back#the force awakens#not tagging more films than that bc i cant b bothered. incoming tag ramble ahead bc i have sw brainrot rn and im making it everyones probā¤ļø#i rlly struggled 2 remember if id watched tfa or aotc more. i went w/ tfa bc it was formative to me as a teen and ive seen it probably 6ish#times? whereas aotc was the first sw movie i remember (specifically the scene of obiwan serving c*nt in the bar lmao) but i've only seen it#for sure 4.5 and maybe 5.5 times. the .5 is from when i got bored after obi-wan's scene ended and ran off to go play in the mud or smthn š#i'm sure tfa will eventually get surpassed in number of rewatches by aotc and rots bc i don't fw the direction of the ST but that's my#current ballpark estimate of my total number of rewatches#as an adult tho if i just wanna watch a star war i'll go with aotc bc it's fun and ends semihappily and i can turn my brain off for the#spinny lightsabers. it's great background noise or for if you're sick or whatever. rots on the other hand? i won't talk through that unless#i'm quoting it with my brother and i am LOCKED IN 100% entirely entranced by it all#i almost picked rogue one for the best quality answer but i think the character writing is weaker and the facial cgi is creepy. esb beats#it by a hair imho bc of that. the vader hallway scene goes hard tho!!!#also i'm not covering shows or games or books or anything else in this post - simply the films. might ask abt shows later but that might#also give me hives bc so many of the shows suck ass and i don't rlly want ppl extolling the virtues of t.bb in my notes š#and yes i do think one's enjoyment and one's opinion of quality are two things that often overlap. but sometimes you just like something#bad and that's awesome. like rots is the best of the prequels by a large margin and i adore the opening and characters and many of the#scenes but that doesn't mean it's the best star wars has to offer ykwim? it's my specialest most favoritest sw movie but that doesn't blind#me to the dialogue lmfaooo
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Donāt think I ever quite said what my LGBTQ+ headcanons are for the boys, so these are my current thoughts! Always changing of course but this is what I feel most strongly right now.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt headcanons#rise donnie#rise leo#rise mikey#rise raph#donnie and leoās sexualities being practically swapped was unintentional but it works way too well#same with mikey and raph tbh it was a happy accident#anyway I kinda hc raph as the type who doesnāt care about physical appearance just if you fight lol#Mikeyās more than happy with friends and family#Donnie is a BIG romantic but he needs time to sus a person out fully before he gets the hots for them#leo meanwhile isnāt keen on romance unless itās with someone he grows to really really REALLY trust#I could go on and probably will later (knowing me) but it is late and I am tired haha#turtle art tag#curious as to what everyone else headcanons#the only one of these Iāll defend forever is Bi (female-leaning) donnie and trans leo#all the others can change over time but I really like where theyāre sitting right now#I hope these are the right flags too because it was kinda hard to find them#went looking for transmasc flag in particular but I couldnāt find a solid agreed upon version š#ngl a big part of why I hc mikey as aro is because of a pun#my phone often misspells aromantic as aromatic and- and you get it- because aromatic herbs and- and Mikey is a chef do YOU GET IT#note that while I hc leo as bisexual (male-leaning) I still think heās prob closer to demi in that as well just not as far into the spectrum#if that makes sense#headcanons are fun and hard to narrow down at the same time alas#I made this in like an hour can you tell djjdjd#I drew them all from memory so if thereās anything wrongā¦shhh#and if youāre wondering for April and Splinter#Both are Bisexual (female-leaning) but April is also Panromantic#I almost wanna make Splinter demiromantic too so Big Mamaās betrayal hits just a bit harder
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"Not I," I said, "I love you."
Yet when blood was on your face I knew you not.
"Would you follow me, my child? Even in the dark?"
But when the light blew dim I fled.
You told me of the future, and of a joy to comeĀ
You loved me and you taught me
"I know your heart, my child."
When you were weak and weary where was I to comfort?
When you cried out for the Father I hid my face.
I saw you. I saw your eyes and anguish.
O how it pierced me. How could I abandon you?
"Not I," I said, "I love you." But how could it be true?
I turned and left my lover.
Weak and twisted is the heart that claimed to live for you
How can it be, how can I live? I wish to love you.
Yet it is a dead heart that saw your face among the crowd.
A light flew across the distance. On the wings of your suffering.
O how it pierced me. My eyes have opened.
I don't deserve to be here, to sing and see the dawn
Lord let me live and love you
How I was meant to all along
#poetry#poem#poems on tumblr#poemblr#easter poem#salt and light#easter thoughts#text#writing#my writing#mini ramble hold on#growing up i heard the concept 'if youd been there youd be in the crowd cursing him and spitting on him' kinda deal often#and not that i think its Wrong exactly. or that it cant be good for meditation. but i don't know if it worked for me#it just really confused me like. but....i know jesus why would i suddenly go Evil...what about the people who knew him...they weren't#what about mary who was crying while everyone else cursed him?#as i got older i realized that i felt myself much more it Peter's place. being one who knew jesus. who loved him. who said you'd follow him#and yet... keeps messing up. so these are just my thoughts on that
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finally coming out as a dyke in 2023 is realizing i dont need to pretend to simp that Guy just because everyone else in my friend group does
#finally coming out as a dyke in 2023 is realizing i can be insane abt women the same way my friends are insane abt men#life changing#mochats#im sorry to my friends who think me simping that guy was genuine#i was just trying to fit in#its a good time to admit that 90% of the time i also dont care abt male characters same way how-#-some straight women dont care abt female characters#i refuse to waste my power on a guy everyone else cares about#im tired enough and i have assignments to do#if i become an outcast for only sparing my energy on women then so be it.#i care about my friends and love them gushing abt a Guy but i personally cannot be made to care in a way they do#not just because i think (often neglected) female characters deserve more of my attention but also because-#-my attraction does influence my interest LETS BE FR HERE#growing up is realizing that putting attention on things you dont care about#is exhausting#as fuck#and i kind of hated how i feel like i wasted my youth energy drawing characters idc abt to please others#now im just tired all the time#while wishing i can draw more women more often#so like#dont do that#draw and write what YOU want#btw its not that i dont care abt men i just have such low energy lately that if i care for anything else but women ā it may be unfulfilling#live laugh fatigue#every time i see a guy fanart i scroll past life has never felt so good#(unless its by a friend which i will appreciate dearly i love my friends art and how passionate they r)
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thinking about todd and his resolve towardā¦ not quite isolation, but being alone in a room full of people again. he goes along to the study room to sit on his own and do his homework, he sits at the poets table and follows along with whatās being said while keeping quiet, he goes to the meetings at all but doesnāt necessarily contribute (in fact, if you watch him when cameron is telling the story āfrom camp in sixth gradeā, you can see that he recognizes it before any of the other poets but doesnāt voice it until they all have). heās not alone, necessarily, if you want to get technical about it, heās just lonely, and heās generally okay with that. he doesnāt have friends and thatās fine, he doesnāt participate in class and thatās fine, he doesnāt have a relationship with his family and thatās fineāhe could live without any real connection and heād have been, more or less, fine.
the thing about when he says āi can take care of myself just fine!ā is that he isnāt really wrong, you can infer that heās been doing it his entire life anyway, itās that ātaking care of yourselfā isnāt the same thing as really living or being happy. toddās an introvert, certainly, and even as he gets closer to the group he defaults to sitting quietly in the background, but heās also denying himself community out of fear not introversion. todd isnāt friendless because heās an introvert, although that definitely plays a part, heās friendless because he pushes anyone that might want his company away. if anyone has every wanted for his attention in the first place. (neilās unwavering interest in him is unique (even when it comes to the rest of the poets, who are fine with todd coming along and joining the group, but arenāt really hellbent on him being there in the beginning) and his refusal to accept it is a direct result of being so lonely growing up.)
thereās obviously something to be said about the implications of his parents neglect, and the more than likely fact that he grew up friendless, and how those both play a part in in him being so skilled at dodging social interaction/being so avoidant of it, but by the time we see him in the movie heās all but accepted his fate as being alone his entire life. heās already accepted being the family disappointment, and heās already accepted heāll never amount to anything, and he obviously doesnāt like it, but heād have managed living with that knowledge without the confirmation that it was all wrong. would he have been miserable? almost certainly. but heād have managed. heād done it for that long already, anyhow.
#and like obviously itās BAD in the long run and his isolation IS only making his life worse butā¦ genuinely heād have been alright#all things considered#itās super interesting to me how itās neil who starts the domino effect of toddās life becoming Less Shit#both by beliving in him and putting faith in him that heās never seen before and refusing to let him hide away#but it isnāt a savior moment on neilās part#and i find it so odd when people frame it as one#todd is likeā¦ actively irritated at him in that scene š#neil is right that todd needs to get out of his shell and put himself out there and Believe in himself#but todd canāt accept it yet because he canāt see what neil sees in him yet and doesnāt believe it exists at all#and it frustrates him because unlike everyone else neil REFUSES to give up on him#and as far as todds concerned itāll be for nothing#as far as toddās concerned āneil isnāt a savior or a hero in that scene heās an annoyance#a necessary one in the grand scheme of things but an annoyance all the same#i think people forget that just because todd DOES want to break out of his shell (ādonāt you think you could be?ā / āno! iā¦ i donāt know!ā +#ācome on you heard keating donāt you want to *do* something about it?ā / ā*yes* butā¦ā) doesnāt mean he knows how or believes he actually CAN#todds autonomy can be taken away from him a lot (ironic) and he can be twisted into someone with no opinions or thoughts or whims +#outside of neil but that isnāt really the case#and a part of that blame lands on the movie because todd doesnāt get explored a lot but thereās still evidence of him being his own person#heās not a yesman and he tells neil when his ideas are stupid (keeping the audition from his father) or he just doesnāt personally agree +#(the entire ānoā scene) and he functions perfectly well when neil isnāt around and while they arenāt focuses +#there are short scenes where todds alone or scenes that start eith them apart that make it clear they arenāt attatched to each other +#in the way people can often write them to be (that is in the trenches if the other is missing)#this post and all these tags are my long winded way of saying FUCK the codependent anderperry thing some people subscribe to it makes me#mad#neilās goal is to help todd grow into himself and become his own person and find his identity more than anything#and todd doesnāt need neil to hold his hand to do literally anything and everything heās a normal guy with anxiety#come on guys#dps#dead poets society#todd anderson
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