#but todd can’t accept it yet because he can’t see what neil sees in him yet and doesn’t believe it exists at all

[toddtakefive]

thinking about todd and his resolve toward… not quite isolation, but being alone in a room full of people again. he goes along to the study room to sit on his own and do his homework, he sits at the poets table and follows along with what’s being said while keeping quiet, he goes to the meetings at all but doesn’t necessarily contribute (in fact, if you watch him when cameron is telling the story ‘from camp in sixth grade’, you can see that he recognizes it before any of the other poets but doesn’t voice it until they all have). he’s not alone, necessarily, if you want to get technical about it, he’s just lonely, and he’s generally okay with that. he doesn’t have friends and that’s fine, he doesn’t participate in class and that’s fine, he doesn’t have a relationship with his family and that’s fine—he could live without any real connection and he’d have been, more or less, fine.

the thing about when he says “i can take care of myself just fine!” is that he isn’t really wrong, you can infer that he’s been doing it his entire life anyway, it’s that ‘taking care of yourself’ isn’t the same thing as really living or being happy. todd’s an introvert, certainly, and even as he gets closer to the group he defaults to sitting quietly in the background, but he’s also denying himself community out of fear not introversion. todd isn’t friendless because he’s an introvert, although that definitely plays a part, he’s friendless because he pushes anyone that might want his company away. if anyone has every wanted for his attention in the first place. (neil’s unwavering interest in him is unique (even when it comes to the rest of the poets, who are fine with todd coming along and joining the group, but aren’t really hellbent on him being there in the beginning) and his refusal to accept it is a direct result of being so lonely growing up.)

there’s obviously something to be said about the implications of his parents neglect, and the more than likely fact that he grew up friendless, and how those both play a part in in him being so skilled at dodging social interaction/being so avoidant of it, but by the time we see him in the movie he’s all but accepted his fate as being alone his entire life. he’s already accepted being the family disappointment, and he’s already accepted he’ll never amount to anything, and he obviously doesn’t like it, but he’d have managed living with that knowledge without the confirmation that it was all wrong. would he have been miserable? almost certainly. but he’d have managed. he’d done it for that long already, anyhow.

[neilperryismine]

dps rewatch thoughts: part 1

(just my random + film student thoughts)

It’s so beautiful with the lighting, candle, pictures

First neil sighting!!!! (seeing him actually makes me so sad)

Is knox okay?

Old guy spotted

mr perry🤬

bells. bells. bells. birds. and more birds. queue the start of the school term = they are ready to fly and be free.

knox threw paper at sp*z!!!!

Cameron is the first to stand and follow Keating, followed by spike, neil and Meeks

Cameron didn’t laugh when Keating talked at the beginning, but he looked around

☝️🤓 “carpe diem? that’s ‘seize the day’”

The “carpe diem. Seize the day boys” with the shots of the pictures followed by silence was eery and not only spoke to the boys but to the audience. We weren’t watching them, we were them. This is followed by silence that is broke by the sound of the door opening, as the boys walk outside, and a loud bell.

“Do you think he’ll test us on that stuff?” “Come on Cameron, don’t you get anything?”

“Hey, you coming to the study group tonight?” 😔😐👀

Todd writing seize the day shows that before he does anything he has to reassure himself of it.

CHRIS spotted!! Knox: 😳

Todd sitting alone🥺

*guy who’s name I can’t remember* is hilarious

NEIL IN GLASSES

so real

Keating speech😭 he looks at neil when he says “that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse” and then he looks at todd and pauses and then says “what will your verse be?” because todd is quiet and hasn’t become anything yet. Neil can run off the first sentence, but he aimed the second at todd to make sure he heard it.

FOUR SCOOPS OF MASH WHAT

“But only in their dreams can men be truly free. Twas always this, and always this will be.”

This is the face of brewing trouble

Spike spotted playing football and with the dog!!!

“Well no shit Sherlock”

This film is split into sections, like chapters of a book, by the sound of bells.

“I’ll try anything once.” “Accept sex.”

Boob touch!!!!!!😭😭 “women swoon”

ANDERPERRY “gosh you really have a problem with that don’t you” “no- no”

Spike spotted talking!!!

Charlie🤭

Cameron 👍🏻

Charlie being scared by a bird🤭

“Arrrgh I’m a dead poet” “your funny, real funny”😭

Pitts hitting his head on the cave

Todd and Meeks attempting to make a fire

To be that cigarette

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

Todd having a crush on Neil’s sister would include~

(Not my gif)(Requested by anonymous)

(Hope this is what you were looking for!)

- Sociability and tradition: those are the two overarching ideals of the Perry household. To be a Perry is to strive for perfection; or at least strive for the perfection that which your father believes in, and that perfection is molded by the aforementioned values. 

- Sociability: you’re raised to be polite and to impress the people your father introduces you to. You’re raised to be an upstanding citizen who attends dinner parties with charming smiles and who your fathers friends will pester their own children about, urging them to be more like you. 

- Tradition: you’ve been taught all your life to fit into the role which society has carved out for you. Your brother is going to be a doctor, you’ll be a mild mannered housewife, and the two of you will make your parents proud. 

- So, you’re either a carbon copy of your brother or the complete opposite of him. You’ve either leaned more towards the first ideal and became more outgoing or you leaned towards the second and became more introverted; it’s up to you to decide which fits you best. 

- If you’re shy, Neil would assume that introducing the two of you would be good for the both of you; thinking that maybe you could help each other break out of your shells. If you’re more outgoing, he’d think that you’d be able to provide Todd with something he himself couldn’t: confidence around women and an understanding and feminine touch.

- You’re pretty; very pretty, and you’re also accepting and sweet and a girl that’s more or less forced to be around him; yet never one that acts as if that’s the case. You act as though he’s a normal part of your visits to your brother and that you like having him there. He never feels awkward that he’s in the middle of a family reunion because you never make him feel that way; never once. 

- Todd’s almost certain that Neil’s warned you about the way that he is but at the same time, he isn’t sure. You have this natural way of wrapping him around your finger, persuading him to trust you and being patient with him in a way that doesn’t feel purposeful or belittling. 

- The two of you connect. He’s still shy but you push on and talk with him; even though he averts his eyes and stutters or talks so quietly that you almost can’t hear him at all. You ask him for book recommendations and you ramble on to him about poetry: you make him feel normal and that’s something very few people in his life have managed to accomplish. 

- His crush on you is almost instantaneous: a boy starved of feminine attention tends to form attachments fairly quickly and easily. He thinks you’re pretty right away, but it doesn’t take long for true feelings to emerge once he takes in your actual personality. After that, it’s a full blown and all consuming crush: one he almost wishes he could take away.

- Sometimes, he can feel himself relaxing around you. He’ll think about making a move, think about asking you out or kissing you and seeing what you do. Sometimes he’ll get really into a conversation then remember how he feels about you; retreating back into himself and becoming that shy boy that you know so well for seemingly no real reason at all. 

- And sometimes, he can barely look Neil in the eye: get’s so nervous that he’ll figure it all out, laughs off his jokes with a rising sense of anxiety and fights the wide eyed expressions that want to cover his face whenever he mindlessly mishears him. He has heart palpitations on the daily and he thinks that if this goes on for much longer, he’ll wind up worrying himself into an early grave. 

- He writes poems about you, ones he hides beneath his mattress or in other places he knows Neil will never look; even if he knows the contents are ambiguous: that even if he did find them, he’d never be able to tell that they were about you. He just knows that he could never lie to him, that he’d crumble and confess the minute he brought them up and that he’d go the rest of the year shunned for his affections for you. 

- But honestly, Todd has nothing to fear but fear himself. He’s worried about Neil's response to his feelings so he does his best to not show anything, yet Neil's anticipated response is so much worse than any reality that would ever plausibly occur. 

- Todd’s seen Neil scoff at the other boys when they make jokes about or flirt with you and he’s seen the way he rolls his eyes, and he’s under the impression that it’s a calm sort of dislike: that there’s a boundary there and that though he might not like the flirting, he may think of it as being harmless and that dating is a whole different story. And though he’s not wrong, he’s also not right.

- Neil isn’t your stereotypical overprotective older brother: he’s independent and you’re independent and he doesn’t have a ridiculously close relationship with you or your typical feelings of brotherly protectiveness. He cares about and loves you, teases you over the dinner table and gives you the best advice he can, but he isn’t getting into any fist fights or yelling matches over you. The most he’ll do is tell someone to knock it off if they’re bothering you in front of him; but even Charlie’s flirtation doesn’t really grind his gears.

- And he’s noticed the way Todd looks at you and the way you look at him: the two of you are the two people he pays the most attention to and honestly, he thinks it would be good for both of you. 

- If there’s anyone in the group that Neil would feel completely comfortable having his sister in the hands of: it’s meek and shy and awkward Todd; he’s honestly more worried for his friend than he is you. 

- Which is why Neil makes the first move.

-  He’s sitting on the radiator one night and he just decides to say it. ��Todd, why don’t you take my sister out?”

- Todd splutters and thinks he’s misheard him, turning to face him red faced and wide eyed and asking him an incredulous “what?” as Neil merely smile, shrugs and halfheartedly repeats himself. 

“Take her out.” He says quietly, in that gentle tone reserved only for his shyest of friends. 

- Todd asks if he’s being serious and Neil responds with a casual “unless you don’t want to”: just to be sure he hasn’t actually misconstrued the situation; even though he’s pretty much certain that he hasn’t. 

- And Todd is quiet for several moments before he speaks again: “What does she like: I mean, is the diner okay?”. And Neil decides that yeah, the two of you are going to be alright....

[noelliza]

The Pursuit of Two Left Feet Ch 1 - Anderperry

Hello! I started a cute anderperry fic that includes dancing and sneaking out to an underground swing dance club. Thank you @poetrusicperry for the idea! This is the first part out of two. You can also read this on ao3 here. Enjoy! :)

Part 2

~

“Charlie, no.”

“Charlie, yes!”

Neil rolls his eyes in exasperation, convinced that his best friend has finally lost his mind. “How the hell do you think we could get away with this? It’s one thing to sneak out to the cave, but another to sneak out into town!”

“Neil, you doubt my abilities, it’ll be fine! Meeks is a genius, and he can help me work the whole thing out,” Charlie says, trying to appease him.

“So you don’t even have a plan?” Neil asks incredulously.

Charlie leans over conspiratorially. “Yet,” he says with a wink.

“Well let me know what you come up with, it’ll be a good laugh.”

“You bet. Later, party pooper.”

Neil huffs and shuts the door, walking over to his closet to grab his night clothes.

“So uh… what was Charlie on about this time?” Todd asks from his bed, closing the book he was reading.

“Something totally ridiculous,” Neil says.

Neil realizes from Todd’s silence that his paranoia is creeping in, assuming that Neil’s vague answer is him not wanting to fill Todd in on their conversation. Hastily, he turns to look at Todd and gives him a reassuring smile.

“He wants us all to sneak out and go dancing at a club in town. But there’s no way we could pull that off,” he explains.

He watches as Todd’s body relaxes at his words, the tension leaving his features to form a shy smile. “I don't know… Charlie somehow always finds a way,” he says, holding Neil’s gaze for a moment before returning to his book.

Neil laughs, beginning to unbutton his shirt. “So far he has, but one day he’s bound to get caught. I’m all for mischief, but I think this is pushing it.”

“Since when does Charlie not push anything?”

“You always make a great point,” Neil says fondly, rushing over to ruffle Todd’s hair before he can stop him.

Neil finishes changing and leaps onto his bed, landing on his back with a relieved sigh, the weight of the day leaving his body. Today Neil was moving nonstop with soccer practice, math club, and chemistry club that he hasn’t had a moment to breathe in the last 13 hours.

Neil turns his head towards Todd to glance at the cover of his book. He instantly recognizes it as Fahrenheit 451, which is a book he’s been wanting to read but never dared to buy in fear of his father finding it. He’s afraid of Neil ever discovering new ideas, diverting from the cut path he’s had him set on since birth. His father would be disappointed to know that Neil has been forming his own beliefs and sentiments for a long time now. He refuses to live a meaningless life, void of passion and love. But, he doesn’t want to create suspicion, so he doesn’t discuss anything that his father could potentially disapprove of.

“So, are you gonna go?” Todd asks.

“As if I have a choice. If I thought for even a second Charlie would let me get out of it, I’d be the dumbest person on the planet.”

Todd lets out a beautiful, warm laugh, his eyes wrinkling into a bright smile. It’s rare Neil gets to see it, and he’s grateful every single time he does.

“Are you?”

Todd falters, his smile falling slightly. Neil’s heart hurts at the sight. “Well... am I… invited?”

“Todd, of course you are,” Neil says gently, knowing that sometimes Todd needs reassurance.

“Then, uh, yeah I’m coming,” Todd says, his voice shaking slightly.

He knows what a big deal it is that Todd is willing to break the rules to be included, and he’s glad that he’s starting to feel like he truly belongs.

Neil has always loved dancing—almost as much as acting. Letting your body move to the beat of the music, allowing the sound to fill you and set your mind free, all the thoughts and obligations draining out of you. He feels light, like no worries or obligations ever existed in the first place. So of course at the sound of Charlie’s idea, his heart sings at the opportunity to go, but he knows if he got caught that would be his father’s last straw. He can’t risk his father pulling him out to send him to military school, away from the few things, or people, who are vital parts of his life.

He loves his poets more than anything, talking to them is his favorite part of any day. Charlie is his best friend, without his crude jokes and lawless energy, school would be utterly dull. Mr. Keating is the reason Neil feels inspired, like he has a chance at living a fulfilling life. The hope that had once been squashed down into nothing by his father was taking root once again, the weed never having been truly destroyed. However, Neil doesn’t know how he’s going to do it—betray his father and live the life he desires—but the thought that he will one day is what keeps him going.

And Todd. Todd is everything. He’s the air he breathes, the light shining through the murky tunnel, and the monologue to his play in an empty crowd. If he never got to see Todd’s furrowed brows while deep in thought, or his bright, infectious smile again, Neil’s world would crumble on top of him, leaving him to suffocate, entrapped in everlasting misery.

Neil envisions stepping onto a crowded dance floor with Todd’s hand in his, his heart swelling with joy. He hears Etta James’ “At Last” filling the room, the sound of the violin strumming the chords of his heart as they sway together. This picture makes Neil yearn for the opportunity to go dancing with the poets, but he knows it's only a mere fantasy, and nothing more.

At the mention of this, however, Charlie wasn’t willing to accept that; he doesn’t understand that it’s just not doable, it’s out of reach. The town is too far, they would never make it back to the school before a teacher discovered their absences. Once he said it, Charlie wouldn’t let it go, and Neil had to grudgingly accept that it had officially been put in motion.

“Good. Let’s just hope Charlie doesn’t fuck it up,” Neil says, settling into bed.

Todd laughs and moves to set his book aside but Neil stops him. “No it’s okay, I’m so tired I could fall asleep through Charlie’s snores right now. Keep reading.” Neil finishes with a mumble, turning toward the wall.

“…Y-you sure?” He asks hesitantly.

“Of course, don’t be silly. Good night Todd,” Neil murmurs, already beginning to doze off.

“Good night, Neil,” Todd says softly, his voice. A few seconds go by and Neil can sense the light of the room behind his eyelids, and he smiles to himself. It’s good to see Todd doing more things for himself, not sacrificing every bit of himself for the sake of others. It makes Neil’s heart full, knowing Todd is finally coming into himself, growing to be the person Neil always saw inside him that was crying to be let out into the world.

Neil quickly falls asleep, the image of swinging Todd around the dance floor, his untamable laughter echoing through the room filling his thoughts.

***

Neil’s studying Chemistry in his room when Charlie barges in, a dangerous grin spread across his face. Neil shudders, knowing that expression all too well.

Charlie settles himself on Neil’s bed, leaning his head back on his hands with one leg crossed over the other. “We’ve got ourselves a full-proof plan.”

Neil scoffs, disbelieving. “Yeah right. It hasn’t even been a full day.”

“Well, it just shows you we’re that good,” Charlie says smugly.

“Or, you’re too sloppy, missing some of the potential obstacles,” Neil says shortly, looking back down at his book.

“Not in this case! All of those have been strategically avoided. We’re all set to go this weekend!” He affirms.

“So, aren’t you going to tell me all about your ingenious plan?”

Charlie laughs. “No, because you’ll obsess over it trying to find a mistake. And there’s no need to, because it’ll work out.”

“Like the time you broke into Nolan’s office and left rotten eggs only for him to have seen you walk right out of the door?” Neil says, raising an incredulous eyebrow.

“That was one time!” Charlie objects. “And I was a complete amateur back then. Right now, you’re speaking to an expert of mischief.”

“Dear Lord, help us all,” Neil groans.

“Hey, Jesus didn’t assist with this plan, so he doesn’t need to be involved.”

Neil just sighs, not deigning to respond.

“So, have you planned your dance with Todd? How are you going to ask him? ‘Todd Anderson, the love of my life, will you do me the honor of dancing the night away with me?’” Charlie teases with a crooked smile.

Neil throws a pencil at him, his cheeks flushing. “Shut up, I wouldn’t ask him like that.”

“Well, you have four more days to think about it.”

“I doubt he’ll even want to,” Neil sighs.

Charlie scoffs, arching his brow. “Yeah, that's as likely as Nolan and Keating becoming lovers.”

“Thank you for that horrible image,” Neil says with a grimace, earning a laugh from Charlie.

“You’re welcome.”

Neil shakes his head, wanting to get straight to the important details. “So who’s coming along?”

“Meeks and Pitts, Todd obviously. As soon as I told Knox he could bring Chris, he was in.”

“And Cameron?” Neil asks resignedly, already knowing what his answer will be.

“As in Richard Cameron? Dick up my ass? And not the good kind,” Charlie snorts.

“Uh, yes, him. The only Cameron we know, did you ask him?” He pushes, raising an eyebrow in suspicion.

Charlie huffs a laugh. “Ask him if he was dropped at birth? No, but I’ve been pretty close.”

“You know what I meant,” Neil says, looking at him firmly.

Charlie avoids his gaze, guilt flashing across his face for a moment. “No, I haven’t…”

“Charlie—”

“Nuwanda!”

Neil takes a deep breath to calm himself. “Nuwanda,” he says pointedly, to which Charlie gives an approving nod. “Come on, you gotta invite him or I will. You know I don’t like excluding anyone. It’s not right.”

“I know, I know, you’re a better person than the rest of us. I’ll mention it, letting him know that the chances we’ll get caught are very, very high—” Charlie cuts off at Neil’s reproving look. “Fine,” Charlie says with a tired, dramatic sigh. “But if he finks, it’s on you!”

“Alright that’s fine, but I really doubt he will. He has no reason to,” Neil says.

“You always give people the benefit of the doubt,” Charlie says, and Neil shrugs helplessly, unable to deny it. “But, I happen to like that about you,” Charlie finishes, grinning.

Neil rolls his eyes playfully. “Good to know, but if you want me to tell you I like how rash and rebellious you are, I’m not planning to.”

Charlie laughs as the door swings open, revealing Todd who briefly glances at the pair before walking over his desk to drop off his bag. Charlie walks over to him, placing his hands on his shoulders and shaking him lightly.

“Toddie! Ready for Friday?” Charlie asks, his excitement spilling out of him.

Todd chuckles, craning his neck to look back at Charlie. “I— yeah I am.”

Charlie whoops, giving Todd’s shoulders a final pat before bouncing back towards Neil, getting way too far into his personal space. “It’ll be fun!”

“When is anything you’re involved in not fun?” Neil asks dryly.

“That’s the spirit!” He shouts triumphantly before bounding out of the room.

“Make sure you talk to Cameron!” Neil shouts after him despite knowing Charlie most likely won’t hear him. With the amount of energy radiating off him, he’s probably halfway down the hall by now. Todd laughs softly and heads over to his bed, opening up a book as he leans his back against the wall.

Neil looks back down at his book, trying with every cell in his brain to comprehend the material. It’s been much more difficult lately to study as the pressure of finals looms over him and the voice of his father invading his mind, telling him he’s not working hard enough. He’s been trying to overcompensate by spending more of his time focusing on his studies, but so far Neil has felt more exhausted than ever, almost falling asleep on his textbook a few times this past week. Charlie caught him after the third time, insisting that it was enough and Neil needed a break. But Charlie didn’t understand what it was like having a father with outrageous expectations. Neil has to put every bit of his time and energy into his studies in order to meet the bare minimum, or else his father will accuse him of slacking off.

Neil turns the page, barely remembering any of the words he just read. He can feel Todd’s stare from the bed, and he knows Todd is most likely considering saying something. He pretends not to notice, not wanting to open this can of worms with him. With just a few words, Todd can convince him of anything, and if he urges him to take a break, Neil knows he won’t be able to refuse--he’ll fold like a deck of cards. But he can’t afford that right now, so he doesn’t budge.

After a few moments, Todd turns away and grabs his book from the nightstand to continue reading. Neil is conflicted, part of him glad Todd didn’t press the issue while the other aches for him to say something, anything to pull him out of this state of mind.

They stay like that for a while—Neil loses track of the time—and then, Todd breaks the silence.

“So, uh, I think Meeks is having a study group for Latin tonight. Are you coming?” He asks, closing the book he was reading.

“I don’t know… I think I’m gonna skip out on it,” Neil says, ruefully.

Todd pauses. “Why?”

“I gotta do some history,” he lies, keeping his head down to avoid Todd’s eyes.

“B-but we just had a test yesterday, we haven’t learned anything new. And you always go to the study groups.”

“Well, I’m just trying to get ahead.”

Todd makes a noise of disappointment that pains him. “But—”

“Todd,” Neil cuts in, harsher than he intended, “just, drop it. Please.”

Todd doesn't respond, returning to his book silently. Neil feels awful talking to him like that, so dismissive. He doesn’t know why he’s doing it to himself, but he feels out of control. It’s like the words are coming out for him, the flood bypassing the barriers he’s placed in his mind.

After a while, Todd gets up to go meet up with the other Poets, grabbing his books and putting them in his bag. He hears Todd hesitate at the door before leaving, presumably deciding not to bother Neil again.

The second the door shuts, a wave of guild floods over Neil, settling in his chest. He rests his head in his hands, trying to take deep breaths.

It’s fine. He’s too busy for study groups right now, it’s not a big deal. There will always be more. He’s not avoiding his friends because he thinks he doesn’t deserve them. Neil just needs to focus on his own studies right now, to make his father proud. After a few seconds, he lifts his head and gets back to work, ignoring the pounding headache and the heaviness of his eyelids…

“Neil?”

Neil jolts awake, lifting his head to look around and realizing he’s still at his desk, his drool soaking into the corner of his notebook page. He sees Todd standing above him, his expression filled with concern. His brows are furrowed in that way he does when he’s trying to solve something, and he has the impulse to smooth it out with his thumb, just the gentlest touch. But the familiar, demanding voice in his head prevents him from doing that.

“Hey! How’d it go?” Neil asks, false brightness in his tone.

Todd’s face doesn’t change, still searching his features as if the answer is hidden in them. “Uh, good,” he says, breaking his gaze away and walking towards his closet. “I’m still struggling, but Meeks helped me understand it a bit better at least.”

“Oh good, I’m glad!” Neil says, forcing a cheery smile.

Neil doesn’t move from his desk as Todd shuffles around the room, getting changed for bed. As Todd is pulling his shirt off, Neil blinks back to reality, looking away to hastily pack up his things. He feels Todd’s eyes again, and Neil has to fight against the pull to meet his gaze. He puts his books on the shelf, the silence in the room stretching longer with every taken breath.

“Charlie accused me of drugging you and locking you in our room,” Todd says after a few minutes, breaking the tension filling the room.

“It’s probably because he’s more likely to do that to someone,” Neil replies, laughing faintly at the thought.

“I’m sure he’s already done it to Cameron.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” Neil says with a sigh.

The silence creeps back in, louder than he’s ever heard it.

“There’s gonna be another one tomorrow night,” Todd says, his voice level with the smallest hint of hope peeking through.

“I don’t think I can go to any this week. Maybe next week,” Neil says weakly, quickly making for the bathroom to escape the awkwardness.

He hates doing this. He knows it hurts Todd and the other poets, as well as himself. But if he lets himself get distracted then he won’t make it through finals. For once, Neil just wants to make his father proud.

When he returns, the lights are out, Todd’s breathing slow and even.

***

That next night when Todd is about to leave for study group, Neil busies himself in his Latin textbook, hoping he won’t hassle him about coming along. If he does, it’ll be even harder to refuse him. He hears Todd walk toward the door when suddenly, Neil’s book is stripped away from him, slammed shut and thrown onto his bed. He looks up and Todd is standing above him, looking nervous but resolute, a fierceness in his eyes. Neil meets his gaze, bewildered.

“Todd, what—”

“We’re going for a walk.”

“But I have—”

“It’s a nice night.”

“Todd.”

“Neil,” Todd says firmly, his tone grabbing Neil’s attention. Neil stares, unable to break away from the set look on Todd’s face. One look into those warm, soft eyes is enough to make Neil forget why he insisted on studying in the first place.

“I kind of like when you tell me what to do. Tell me something else,” he says, his mouth curling upward.

Todd flushes, turning away. “N-not right now. Just put your jacket on.”

“You got it,” Neil winks, grabbing his coat and following Todd out the door.

Together, they walk down the hallway and Todd leads him outside, the rush of crisp, winter air refreshing on his skin. Neil didn’t realize how suffocating his room was until now, his lungs filled by the outdoors. He feels like his mind is being pulled out of the mud, regaining his senses, his rational thoughts. Why was he cooping himself in his room?

“Thank you, I needed this,” Neil beams, feeling grateful Todd managed to drag him out here. Sometimes, Neil wonders how he managed to survive this long without Todd in his life—before this school year, just a few short months ago.

Todd nods, keeping his head towards the ground, his hands shoved in his jacket pockets. He’s so adorable, Neil can’t handle it. He wishes he had the words, or the drawing skills to capture this sight forever, something he could hold onto and never let go.

“So… are we going anywhere in particular?” Neil asks, unable to help himself. His silences with Todd are always comfortable, but his curiosity is buzzing, eager to know their designation.

“Maybe,” Todd says coyly.

“Come on, Todd, you’re a poet! I know you can be more descriptive than that,” he teases.

“Y-yeah I know I can. I’m… I’m choosing not to.”

Neil’s smile gradually grows wide. “Alright, I can accept that answer. As long as you’re sure.”

“I am,” he says.

Neil laughs softly in response, his heart aching. He looks around, taking in the dark figures of the trees, listening to the whispers of night as it awakens, the faint hum of life, and feeling the gentle movement of wind caressing his skin. It feels like a dance of itself, moving to the beat of its own sound, the music of the forest.

“You know, everytime we sneak out to the cave, none of us ever actually take time to really absorb our surroundings.”

“Yeah, I think because of the chances we’ll get caught if we’re out here,” Todd says, briefly glancing upward to the sky.

Neil chuckles, “True, but we’ve been really missing out.”

“Yeah.”

They continue their trek, the sounds of their footsteps on the ground echoing around them.

“You know, I never used to like the dark, but something about the woods at this hour is so peaceful,” Neil muses, looking up at the moon shining through the trees. Todd hums in response.

“I… I’ve always liked the dark,” Todd adds after a few beats.

Neil turns to him, but can’t catch his eye as Todd is looking resolutely ahead. “Have you?” He says, the corner of his mouth quirking up.

Todd nods, “I—it was comforting…” he says reluctantly, as if more words are bubbling inside him, but he’s scared to let them out.

“I was always afraid of it as a kid. When I was in trouble, my father would put me in the coat closet to have me think about what I had done. I felt like it was eventually going to swallow me whole,“ Neil shares softly, hoping it’ll encourage Todd to speak about it.

Todd lets out a harsh breath, as he already knows how horrible Neil’s father is. Neil glances at Todd again, unable to help it, and nudges him lightly. “Why do you find it comforting?” He asks gently.

Todd keeps his eyes glued to his feet, presumably focusing on his footsteps as he considers what to say. Over the last few months, Neil has begun to catch onto Todd’s small mannerisms. When he’s anxious over an upcoming event, he’ll pick at the hems of his clothes. When he doesn’t want to say yes to something, his eyes widen in the slightest bit and he’ll look sideways, as if he’ll find a proper excuse. The one Neil finds most endearing is when he’s given a compliment, Todd bites the inside of his lip and glances downward.

“I was afraid of it too, actually,” he starts, his breath a bit shaky, “I thought there were monsters in the dark. At least, that's what some of the others at school used to say. But then one night, there was a power outage at my house. It—it happened right after my parents lectured me for not making the baseball team,” Todd pauses, taking a deep breath. Neil waits patiently, holding onto his every word dearly.

“I… I was in my room, alone, in the dark… and I realized it… it made me feel less lonely. I couldn't see the emptiness of the room. I could only hear my breath and my heartbeat. It was… calming,” he finishes in a whisper, only heard by Neil and the hush of the delicate wind.

Neil feels the breath in his lungs being snatched away, and he swallows back a sob threatening to escape him, not wanting to make Todd feel guilty for sharing about his past. Everytime Neil hears something new about Todd’s horrible childhood, his heart tears further apart. He wishes he could strip him of that pain and take it for himself, easing him of that burden.

“I can understand that,” Neil says, making an effort to keep his voice even. “Just… I hope you know you’re not alone anymore, right?”

“Y-yeah I know,” Todd says.

“Good,” Neil breathes, hoping Todd meant it.

They approach a clearing, and it’s one Neil has never seen before. It’s wide, the surrounding trees acting as a safe cocoon. The closer they get, the more he sees the flickering lights blinking through the air, dotting the open space. Fireflies.

“Here we are,” Todd says, a shy smile gracing his face.

Neil walks towards the center, spinning as he gazes around. “How did you find this place?” Neil says, feeling dizzy yet unbound, like he could fly straight to the moon without wings.

“I-I go on walks sometimes… when I need to think. One night, I saw the fireflies… and they led me here.”

“Amazing,” he says, his voice soft as a whisper, watching a firefly buzzing past him in awe. He’s never seen one so up close before, but they’re mesmerizing. Neil doesn’t want to look away.

“Y-yeah, it is.”

Neil wanders around the space, letting his body move on its own accord as his eyes follow the various glowing bodies traveling in every direction. He hums absently, the chorus of a song stuck in his head. He feels Todd’s eyes on him as he walks, and his face burns.

“‘The Twelfth of Never’?” Todd asks.

Neil stops and looks at him, the sight of Todd lit up by the scattering bugs making him weak at the knees. “Yeah, you know it?”

Todd nods. “Mhm, it… it was my favorite song a few summers back. I snuck the vinyl from Jeffey’s room and played it w-when no one was around.”

Neil takes a step towards him. “You ask how much I need you, must I explain?” he sings.

Todd’s eyes widen, his face vulnerable and open. Neil smiles warmly. “I know you’re more of a poet, Whitman, but... join me?” He asks, hopeful.

Todd blinks, looking unsure. After Neil quirks an amused smile, he gives in with a harmless eye roll. “I need you, oh my darling,” he mumbles, looking away as Neil approaches him.

“…like roses need rain.”

Once Neil is standing in front of him, he holds out his hand. “May I?”

Todd looks back at him and pauses as he notices his outstretched hand. Slowly, he reaches out his hand and places it gently in Neil’s palm, allowing him to grasp it. He leads them to the center, placing his other hand on Todd’s waist. They stare at each other for a moment before Neil starts to move his feet. He keeps the pace slow in order to give Todd time used to it, and gradually, they make circles around the clearing.

“W-where did you learn to dance?” Todd asks breathlessly, his eyes shining.

“My father made me do cotillion when I was nine. I hated everything about it except for this,” he says, his eyes focused on Todd’s expression.

“You’re really good,” Todd says with a faint laugh, fumbling to keep up. Neil tightens his grip on Todd’s waist the slightest bit, keeping him in place as they glide.

“You ask how long I’ll love you, I’ll tell you true…” Neil spins him around, eliciting a startled laugh out of Todd that makes his heart swoon.

“Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you,” Todd sings back through his giggles.

“Hold me close.” Neil dips Todd suddenly, leaning over to catch a close look at his eyes.

“Never let me go,” Todd adds, looking at Neil as if to say he means it literally.

“Oh, I’d never,” Neil smiles, holding the position for a beat longer before pulling him back up.

They go on, waltzing around the space as if the leaves are harps and the forest is a string orchestra, playing the melodic tune of the music in the expanse and beyond. Neil is so enraptured with the pure joy on Todd’s face that he hardly registers when Todd steps on his feet a few times. He’ll take all the foot pain to have Todd look at him like that.

“I'll love you till the poets run out of rhyme.”

“Until the twelfth of never and that's a long, long time,” Todd sings softly, finishing in a whisper as they slowly come to a stop. Suddenly, all the movement of the woods cease, the air stilling. Neil can feel Todd’s soft breath, feeling his head spin as Todd blinks slowly, the light making his eyes glisten. He’s absolutely, and utterly breathtaking.

Neil’s heart and every muscle of his body know what he aches to do, encouraging him to give in to the desire. The craving in his heart for months, buried under bouts of doubt and self loathing. Do it, he thinks, imploring himself to be brave, seize the day.

Then, the snap of a branch makes them jolt apart, the world returning to its place with a crack. Neil clears his throat. “Thank you for showing me this place, Todd. I really appreciate it.”

“Course,” Todd nods stiffly, averting his gaze as a blush creeps up his neck.

The pair walk back the same way they came, the atmosphere now charged with an energy between them. Neither dare to speak a word, feeling silenced by the gust of the wind.

Neil lays awake that night for hours, the vision of his lips on Todd’s coursing through his mind until he’s eventually pulled into sleep.

Part 2

[killemwithkawaii]

I know this is outside the usual content, but yan! Neil being w/Todd is just, *chef kisses.* May we please have some more hcs on him?

Todd and Neil deserve more content and you can’t change my mind uwu

Yandere Neil headcanons-

>Neil is a gentle and devoted type of yandere, living by the motto that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar

>Gets to know everything about everyone in his (and Todds) life through charm, witty banter, and small favors, though his motives are ultimately self-serving. He makes friends quickly to avoid making future enemies or rivals for Todds affections.

>Being a gay man in a small town where a good portion of the population is weirdly religious (aka cult members) made things pretty difficult for him growing up, especially during those first two years of high school. He worked hard to be well-liked, at least on a surface-level, but still didn't have any relationships besides the friendly acquaintances he made to avoid trouble. 

>Todd was put into the same chemistry class as him in his junior year, and Neil was immediately drawn to his intelligence and polite-yet-candid attitude (not to mention that curly red hair and the cute way he snorts when he laughs). What sealed the deal was when Todd called another student out on their flimsy, pseudo-scientific theories on homosexuality. He managed to make them look like a complete fool in front of the whole class without resorting to any kind of personal insults, then went back to working on his assignment while the other student picked their jaw up from the floor.

>Neil was smitten, and decided to worm his way into Todds heart by doing what he does best: being sweet and charming (and opting to wear his tighter v-neck shirts when they had class together didn't hurt either). 

>He would offer to be Todds lab partner at every opportunity, which was often, as Todd didn't have any friends in that class with him, and he always accepted because he quite frankly appreciated having a partner that did their half of the work. Neil studied extra-hard in order to impress his new darling and kept his notes especially neat and well-organized so he could give Todd copies on the off-chance that he stayed home sick. 

>When the first major project was assigned, Neil took the opportunity to get Todds number and address under the guise of getting together to work on it. Now that they had gotten to know each other a little, Neil felt it was time to set the hook and started bringing an extra cup of coffee to school every day to offer to Todd, saying offhandedly that the barista keeps giving him extra cups for free and joking that they might have a crush on him in hopes of sparking a little jealousy in the younger man- and it worked. Todd asked him out when the project (which they of course got an 'A' on) was completed, and they've been together ever since. 

>He's very much the romantic type and really loves the whole 'high school sweetheart' and 'first love' thing he and Todd have going on. He wants to have a huge wedding where everyone is invited (so everyone can see who Todd belongs to), live in a house with a big kitchen where he can bake Todds favorite sweets and a big garage for Todd to do his tinkering in (and a big master bedroom with an adjoining bathroom, complete with a Jacuzzi bathtub, where they can spend all day making love), and grow old together somewhere warm where they can take long walks hand-in-hand and just enjoy each others company and conversation. 

>Even if none of that ends up panning out, Neil just wants to be Todds last love as well as his first, and is determined to do anything he has to to make it happen.  He would have to be pushed to the brink to resort to any kind of violence, but he is very much prepared to die for Todd. However, he would much rather live, so that he can be by his side to assist in his research and otherwise spoil his darling rotten for the rest of his life. Now that would be the real dream-come-true...~💘 ----- A special shout-out to @sallyfacephantoms for letting me use their Neil headcanons as inspiration! I loved the idea of him enjoying baking and just had to include it. Be sure to check out their writing~

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Day 13 : Pining - Sal Fisher

Okay, first of all, yay! For learning a new word! At first I read this as ‘Pinning’ instead of ‘Pining’ and I had a whole different concept of how this would go. So when I learnt what this super weird looking word meant, I had to spontaneously change the character. But I think I made the right choice <3

Art by https://iron-dude.tumblr.com

“Sal, are you home? Are you alone? We need to talk, it’s very important. Code red urgent.” I texted Sal, biting my lip as I clutch the letter in my hand really hard, trying not to break it. “Yeah, you can come over. What happened? Is it the cult again?” he texted back almost instantly, making me smile at his concern. “No bb it’s oki. I’ll be there in a sec. Love u.” I send him immediately, already on my way out to Addison Apartments, where Sal was already waiting in the doorway.

I hug him tightly, guiding him to his room where we stood criss-crossed on the bed facing each other, not really daring to say anything for a while before I sighed, my hands trembling.

“Kat...? What happened? Can I help in any way? Or do you want to just talk?” he asked with so much worry in his voice that I almost started crying. “Promise you wont hate me? No matter what I’m gonna tell you? I love you so much that I don’t want to lose you.” I usher, no daring to look up just yet. “What...? Kat, sweetheart, you know I could never hate you. What’s going on, please tell me.” he held my hands, trying to calm me down. “Remember when I told you that I applied for a few top tier Vet Universities in the country? And I had to go away for about a week or so to go around and take a bunch of Entrance exams and I had all those panic attacks and depression break downs and whatever?” I held his hands, finally able to find my voice. “Yeah, of course I remember. Why, what happened? Are you okay? Did you have another panic attack or some of those moods and you didn’t tell me?” he asked, sort of panicked. “Read this.”  I hand him the envelope and he gently takes it, reading it out loud. “Dear Miss Katrina Black, we are happy to inform you that you got accepted to our University...Oh my Goodness, Kat, that’s insane! This is the best Vet Uni in the country, you’re amazing! I knew you could do it!” he threw his arms around me, hugging me tightly as I lost my balance and fell on the pillows, giggling a bit. “Yeah...It is great, isn’t it? I wasn’t expecting to make it.” I chuckled nervously, hugging him back. “I was sure you’d make this. You’ve worked so hard these years, it would have been impossible not to. And besides, you’ve always been so smart and you love animals so much, you’ll make an amazing Vet!” he tried to hype me up, but despite how happy I was, I was still conflicted. “Sal...It’s in another state. I will have to move to another state by myself for 6 years, and I’ll only be able to come back home for holidays, as far as I know. It’s...Pretty far from here and I don’t think I can afford train tickets. You know how bad we’re doing with money, especially now that we were finally able to find a slightly bigger apartment in which I will be able to move in once I’m out of Uni...Which is in another city too. This is what I wanted to talk about, Sal. We have to figure out what to do.” I raised again, looking down at him, and I could see his eyes widening in realisation from behind the mask. “Ah...You’re right. I didn’t realse that until now. You’ve always been the one to think of everything.” he chuckled slightly. “That’s why I said I hoped you wouldn’t hate me. I won’t be able to be here and see each other too often. And you know how distance takes its toll on relationships...I don’t want that to happen to us too. I’m...Kinda scared.” I mutter the last bit, my lip, feeling tears threatening to spill. “Baby, it’s okay. We love each other and that’s what matters, right? 6 years will fly like a breeze, especially since we’re both in Uni, it’s gonna be a lot of work and we won’t even realise when we already get to see each other again. And besides, we have phones to text and call each other, right?” he tried to reason, and got into a sitting position too, putting his hands on my shoulders. “Won’t you...Y’know...Get bored of being alone or something? There’s only so many holidays per year...” I looked away, insecurity and nervousness taking over me. “Kat...Remember the time when we met? And then, when you first saw my face?” Sally asked all of a sudden, making me turn my gaze to his, raising my eyebrow in confusion. “What do you mean...? Of course I remember. What does it have to do with this situation?” I blinked, trying to understand the connection, but instead, he took off his mask, looking at me with a smile. “You were the shyest kid in class, and yet, when the bullies started making fun of me, you were the only one who said something. And then they started making fun of you, and you started crying, and then I started beating them up, and we all got suspended. You’ve always been so sensitive and emotional, I guess your empathy is what brought us together.” he had tears in his eyes, remembering that memory, but it kinda made me cringe. “Uh...Yeah, you got attracted to a cry-baby, great job, darling.” I chuckled awkwardly, wiping away a tear from the corner of my eye. “A cry-baby who’s the sweetest and kindest person in the world. Remember when some idiot in class thought it’d be funny to unclasp my mask in class, and you got sooo pissed off that you hugged my face to your chest to hide it while you yelled at the kids and tried to put back my mask without looking? But then the teacher came so it was only the two of us in the class, and I let you look and you just kissed my cheek and put my mask back? Jeez, that was such a long time ago, but I remember so well. I started crying, and yet, you call yourself cry-baby? Pshhhh, as if.” he chuckled in amusement at the memory that I remembered so fondly, as I kissed his cheek now too, just like back then. “I can’t forget that, Sugar Plum Fairy Sally. Your pigtails were so cute, I always loved making them for you.” I grinned, taking Sal’s hair and pulled up his beautiful long blue hair, making it seem as if he had pigtails again. “My point is, Kat, that my heart has been with you since that moment, and there’s no way that will change. So really, go there, smash your way through Uni, and when this is over, we’ll both be adults and we can...Uh...I don’t know what adults do, but we’ll be independent. At least financially.” he shrugged, making it obvious that he doesn’t want to back away from this. “Y’know...While I can’t take you with me at the Students’ Hall during Uni...We can move in together in my new apartment after I finish Uni. It will be only mine, after all. It would be nice not to be alone...And if it’s you, then...Well...” I looked up at him with a timid smile, which mirrored his, as he put his arms around me again, kissing my forehead. “It will all go well, dear. I promise.” he reassured me, and I could finally feel at peace.

Of course, these 6 years have been very difficult, because we always wanted to be close to one another and we missed each other so much. Holidays only became teases as the time spent together was so short, yet meaningful, and having to go back to Uni only made the cut run even deeper.

We would cross days, weeks, months and years, making small progress and objectives out of each holiday passed, each year passed, until the 6 years finally passed and we had such a powerful longing for each other, that it almost seemed like our hearts would break each day until we would see each other again.

His Uni was only 4 years long, so he finished faster, and I was SO proud seeing him in his graduation robes, and then him throwing the cap in the air with the rest of his colleagues. I couldn’t help myself taking so many pics of my beautiful boy.

The same happened vice versa, when I finished and he came over for my graduation, it turned into an outright photoshoot without even realising. And even better, Larry, Ash, Todd and Neil were able to come over too, so we managed to have such a cool party that everyone enjoyed.

The final exams and my license presentation went by very fast, and after that, I was able to get my Masters and PhD in no time, despite having to stay there more than 6 years, but it was worth it.

In the mean time, Sal would constantly text me motivational, loving, emotionally supportive things, knowing how prone to depression I am and that it’s still very hard for me to keep the straight path towards the light.

When I was finally over with my education, my parents drove over to help me pack everything there, then we got directly to my new apartment that I decorated the way I dreamt.

What I wasn’t expecting, however, was to see Sally and the rest there, with lots of “Welcome Home” decorations, balloons and all that, making me start sobbing, completely overwhelmed by emotions, not even able to talk.

“I missed you so much, baby. Welcome home.” Sally muttered into my ear as he hugged me tightly, swinging me around a bit. “I love you so much, Sal, I love you so much. I missed you so so so fucking much, I can’t believe we’re finally at this point where I don’t have to be cities away from you and I can see you every godamn day when I come home, and wake up with you every morning.” I cry into his chest, clutching the back of his shirt tightly, still trembling a bit from the emotions. “It’s okay, sweety, we’re finally together and nothing can change us. We will be okay now, I promise. I love you so much, Kat. So much. I’m so glad we’re finally together now.” he held me tight to his chest, stroking my hair reassuringly, as he always did. “Yo, dudes, enough with the depressing shit, let’s par-TAAAAY!” Larry shouted at us, making us laugh as he brought CDs of Sanity’s Fall, AC/DC, Dir en Grey, Linkin Park and many others, while Ash brought the snacks and Todd and Neil brought the drinks, while my parents kissed my cheeks before leaving us to our party.

All day and night we gossiped, exchanged all the stories possible, stupid or not, we sang karaoke, played video and board games, got shitfaced drunk out of happiness and all that, and God, was it so godamn fine having everyone together again.

Of course, the next day they had to leave, except for Sally who moved in with me, thankfully, but now it would be much easier to go and visit our friends.

The next day, we just stood cuddled together in bed, our legs intertwined, our arms around each other, occasionally kissing each other and confession our love to each other here from time to time, when we wanted to break the comforting silence.

“I missed you so much, baby. I have no words to explain, but it hurt so much knowing that you’re so far away. Every day was so painful, even though I had friends and hung out with them, went to a few parties, conventions and what not. Studying managed to take my mind away from that dark feeling that kept eating me away, but at night...Gosh, the nights were the worst. I spent so many times crying ‘cause I was feeling so lonely and I just wanted to go to you and have you in my arms all night. Sometimes it was so godamn hard not to give up everything...But I had to. That’s what I always say. I have to. I must. And I did it, and now, I’m finally with you, just like I’ve always dreamt.” I poured my heart out to him, stroking his smooth hair, gazing lovingly at his face. “I know, honey, I know, but it’s okay now. I had a lot of help from our friends, and now that Lisa married dad, making Larry my brother made it better, otherwise, I don’t know what I’d have done. Uni was tough as all hell, but I had you as my ambition to keep on going so we could finally meet up to this point. You’re a doctor now, Kat. Doctor Kitty. I couldn’t let you down, y’know? I had to be in your league. Now we can both make money and travel the world, just like we’ve always dreamt of. Can you believe we’ve been together for what? 10 years or so? Unbelievable. And you didn’t get bored of me. You’re still my girlfriend, do you even realise how lucky and proud I am to say that I’m your boyfriend? Jeez, I’m still shook sometimes when I think back at everything we’ve been through and how happy I feel every time I think of you, of your smile, of your gentle touch, your soft lips, how warm you are, how mesmerising your chocolate perfume is, how pretty you look all the time without even trying, how much I love having you in my arms when we sleep together...And...And...Even when...When...We’d make love, it felt like the most ethereal thing in the world, like I was in a dream. I love you, Kat. So much, it’s unreal.” he whispered the last bit, as if afraid that if he said any louder, the spell will break. “I love you, Sal. Nothing is ever going to change that. I am yours and you are mine, forever and ever.” I kissed him, hooking my pinky to his, to show him that I pinky promise everything will be okay. “Forever and ever.” he repeated after me, in a voice as sweet as never before. 

[angeltriestoblog]

I watched a couple of movies! (Part 2)

Back again with the second bunch of my latest quarantine companions! My last post wasn't that long ago, but I’ve already gone through an additional 21 and thanks to the extension of the lockdown and the abrupt cancellation of the rest of my sophomore year in college, I predict that this number will only increase exponentially. I obviously have to start looking for a sustainable way of reviewing the media I consume (probably will try dumping mini-reviews on Letterboxd instead), but until then, here is today’s little catalog: divided into four neat categories so there’s a little bit of everything for everyone.

Dead Poets Society (1989, dir. Peter Weir) ★★★★½

John Keating is the teacher we secretly deserved yet never had, which is probably what's behind the fervent loyalty audiences have had for this movie since its release around three decades ago. His methods of teaching are admittedly unorthodox, but they effectively instill in fictional students and real-life audiences the core message: to seize the day and be extraordinary. I definitely would have appreciated more of Williams, though: I noticed later on that he was used mostly as a plot device, as the focus started to shift to the impact his words had on the group of young boys under his tutelage. But, thankfully they are endearing and lovable in their own little ways (special mention goes to ambitious Neil, played by Robert Sean Leonard; and Ethan Hawke as timid Todd), which is why the last half-hour remains one of the heaviest in recent memory.

Mrs. Doubtfire (1993, dir. Chris Columbus) ★★★★

When Daniel Hillard’s (Robin Williams) wife splits up with him and takes their kids, he disguises himself as an English nanny called Mrs. Doubtfire and applies as their housekeeper to be with them. Not exactly the most realistic and practical approach to an issue as serious as divorce, but it succeeds by banking on heartfelt humor to strike a chord in products of broken families. When you take his several antics, punchlines, and vocal impersonations aside, he is simply a father willing to do anything for his children. Williams was destined to be the lead for this: his comedic timing, sheer versatility, and natural ability to bring joy remain unparalleled. Such a shame I didn't get to grow up with this guy, but maybe this saved me a lot of heartbreak.

Catch Me If You Can (2002, dir. Steven Spielberg) ★★★★★

A con man successfully cashes in millions of dollars worth of checks as a Pan Am pilot, doctor, and lawyer, whilst evading the FBI agent who’s hot on his heels. And this is all before he turns 19 years old--what a total underachiever. The best part? It’s a true story. I find it hard to believe that this clever cat-and-mouse story lasted more than two hours: it's easy to lose track of time thanks to its dynamic and snappy screenplay, coupled with the chemistry of its brilliant lead actors (no less than Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks). But beneath the complex and technical aspects of his scams that have high entertainment and educational value lie touching moments that may be admittedly easy to miss. At the end of the day, these escapades were nothing but some twisted coping mechanism of Frank Abagnale, Jr.’s to deal with the divorce of his parents. *blows nose into handkerchief* Wow, I seriously didn't think something could be so fast and fun, yet so depressing either!

Good Will Hunting (1997, dir. Gus Van Sant) ★★★★★

Academy Award-winning writers Matt Damon and Ben Affleck may look like they share a solitary brain cell in total (a prime example would be this footage of their acceptance speech), but it was the power that radiated from that which brought us this instant favorite of mine. This engrossing story revolves around a janitor at MIT, with a genius-level IQ but a troubled and traumatic past. A scuffle with a police officer leads him to Sean, his therapist (and platonic soulmate) who breaks down his dangerous defense mechanisms and self-destructive patterns, helps him tackle his inner demons, and ultimately transforms his life. There is a lot to adore about this film that’s equal parts wit and heart, but my favorite has to be the razor-sharp and realistic dialogue between Damon and Williams. Smoothly transitioning from topic to topic—genuine friendship, abusive relationships, and everything in between—it gives us the opportunity to monitor Will’s growth while carefully examining these aspects of our own lives. With every word said, the audience is reminded once again of any person's innate capacity to change for the better as long as someone else believes in them.

Lost in Translation (2003, dir. Sofia Coppola) ★★★

Film Twitter and the Letterboxd community both made this out to be an outstanding piece of modern cinema, so I went in with very high expectations only to be sorely disappointed and unable to understand the hype behind it. This revolves around two lonely people who find solace in each other and the unfamiliar and unpredictable territory they're in, a storyline brimming with potential that just fell flat to me. I normally appreciate the beauty in silent and ambient scenes, but the ones that made up a huge bulk of this feature didn’t have substance—it was similar to watching mashed-up clips from some random travel vlog. I did find the choice of location fitting though, I am now a hundred percent convinced I should travel to Japan once this pandemic is over. And Scarlett Johansson is incredibly talented for her age: her ability to channel and characterize emotions that a 17-year-old may not even be able to comprehend is above par, which is the main reason why this gets a passing rating from me.

Forrest Gump (1994, dir. Robert Zemeckis) ★★★★★

What I would give to run into a chocolate-eating, Nike Cortez-wearing Forrest Gump at a bus stop, and hear him tell me these fantastic stories himself! This heartwarming tale shows the manner in which he weaved himself into significant historical narratives (literally and figuratively, thanks to the power of deepfake) and injects timeless lessons along the way. Tom Hanks is undoubtedly brilliant as the titular role, and as we see the world according to this feeble-minded and well-meaning man, we come to admire his values, appreciate his efforts, and forgive his occasional shortcomings. In this fast-paced and overly complicated world that we struggle to navigate, this can serve as a necessary breather, a reminder of the simple joys that the world has to offer.

Celeste and Jesse Forever (2012, dir. Lee Toland Krieger) ★★★★

I think this is the first time I’ve witnessed a breakup end rather amicably on the big screen: there's no screamfest that concludes with a cold slap to the face and a dramatic walkout, or a courtroom confrontation that unearths past transgressions, et cetera. Instead, the leads are forced to confront the fact that the friendship they have forged years before that eventually blossomed into something more will never be the same again. Even if they want to so, so bad. I guess that’s why this is so heartbreaking, and thus the perfect companion for any person in the process of finding themselves after the demise of a long-term relationship. Celeste (Rashida Jones) meanders through the process with an extreme lack of finesse—which is the most realistic way to do so—that heavily accentuates her several fatal flaws. But, she manages to finish strong, emerging as a self-reflective and action-driven version of who she was in the beginning. I definitely wanted additional exposure for Jesse (Andy Samberg), though, who was not only surprisingly tender and sensitive in contrast to the Jake Peralta we know and love (and want to pick on), but also an unexpected perfect onscreen match for Jones.

A Star is Born (2018, dir. Bradley Cooper) ★★★★

The third remake of the 1937 movie starring Janet Gaynor and Fredric March, this edition of A Star is Born strays far from the paths traversed by its predecessors (and this I am aware of, from that film analysis video binge I did recently). It’s the first to give Jackson Maine (Bradley Cooper), the has-been with a raging alcohol and drug problem, extensive back story that draws audiences closer to him. But, this character arc comes at the expense of Ally's, the talented singer that he propels to fame, played by Lady Gaga. It was a shame she wasn’t fleshed out as much as she should have been, given that Gaga was a natural, her vulnerability a far cry from her outrageous onstage persona. But, then again, expectations must be kept realistic: it would’ve been impossible to cram that into the specified duration. Nevertheless, I thoroughly appreciated it: though rehashed several times, a romance done this way keeps its key components while catering to the preferences of this generation. The soundtrack is outstanding, and the climax—though somewhat expected—finds new ways to reduce us to a puddle of tears, particularly as the last song number start to roll.

Fall in Love At First Kiss (2019, dir. Frankie Chen) ★★½

Our Times has been a favorite of mine for years, so I couldn't believe that I missed this work from the same director which starred the same male lead during its initial release. Turns out it didn’t make much of a difference whether I watched it or not. The storyline was silly, but forgivably so: in a school where students are segregated based on intelligence, a stupid girl is smitten by the smartest boy in school and gets rejected as soon as she confesses. Consequently, hell breaks loose after they are forced to live together for reasons you have to see to believe. I remember enjoying the first half, squirming in my seat because of Jiang Zhishu (Darren Wang) every chance I'd get. I can’t pinpoint where exactly it started going wrong, but I remember realizing that it is possible for something to drag along, yet also move so fast: to bore me with excessive detail in a single scene, then cut to the next so fast it loses a sense of continuity. In addition to that, the female lead (Jelly Lin) was so unbearable in terms of her acting style and character development (or lack thereof). She seemed to think that constantly complaining in her shrill voice and thrashing her limbs was a fitting substitute for dialogue, thus making it difficult to want her to get her happily ever after. Also, I’ve had pretty intense crushes in the past few years but what she has for Zhishu is bordering more on an unhealthy obsession—I have trouble believing he reacted so calmly to the shrine that she built for him (which included life-size pillows with his face on it).

The Object of My Affection (1998, dir. Nicolas Hytner) ★★½

I was very confused as to why I had never heard of a chick flick that starred two of my favorite actors from the 90s, but now I understand why it didn't take off. (Phoebe would probably share my sentiments. What's her best friend doing with her husband anyway? And why is he attracted to men?) Nina (Jennifer Aniston) is hopelessly in love with her gay best friend George (Paul Rudd), so much so that she decides she wants to raise her unborn child with him instead of with her overbearing and borderline manipulative boyfriend (John Pankow). Though it wasn't a complete disaster given that she didn't successfully convert him, Nina was far too demanding, constantly overstepping her boundaries, and feeding her delusions. Maybe it could afford a modern retelling since I know our generation could tackle the concepts of platonic soulmates and LGBTQ+ relationships in a way that is simultaneously vibrant and sensitive.

How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days (2003, dir. Donald Petrie) ★★★★★

Once I had tried my luck in a number of different genres, I decided to reward myself with a return to the cheesy, corny, and conventional chick flicks I am familiar with—and I’m glad that I picked this one! Andie Anderson (Kate Hudson) is a magazine columnist with her biggest scoop yet: an article on how to lose a guy in 10 days. To test this idea out, she tries it out on Ben Barry (Matthew McConaughey), who’s on a mission to make a girl fall for him within that duration as well. Their conflicting agendas lead to disastrously hilarious results as they realize that they’re both *gasp* catching feelings for each other! I enjoyed this very much despite the predictability, although I’m honestly unable to judge it based on any criteria other than what I felt which was pure and utter, slamming-the-table, throwing-my-stuffed-toy-across-the-room “kilig”.

Just My Luck (2006, dir. Donald Petrie) ★½

I didn’t expect this to be on the forgettable side of the romcom spectrum, when it had Chris Pine as the leading man and Brit-pop band McFly lending their music to most of the scenes (the sole redeeming factor I found). But, I guess it’s Lindsay Lohan’s character and her surprising lack of chemistry with the equally attractive and talented person opposite her that killed it for me. Here, she plays Ashley, the luckiest girl in the world who gets everything her way and is thus as snobbish and stuck-up as you’d expect her to be. A chance encounter brings her to Jake, who is the human equivalent of a black cat standing in front of a broken mirror, and swaps their fate. She is then left to deal with poorly contrived misfortunes with effects that are bordering on slapstick comedy: she gets doused in mud, mildly electrocuted, and soaked in bubbles shortly after blowing up a washing machine and I get that they’re probably supposed to be funny, but all I’m seeing is a live-action version of the Looney Tunes show.

Eighth Grade (2018, dir. Bo Burnham) ★★★★★

Entering our awkward preteen years has always come with a certain and specific kind of mortification, but I reckon it’s become increasingly difficult in the age of the Internet. It’s become easier to find fault in oneself for the pettiest of reasons: why isn’t my crush accepting my friend request? Why do I look like a monster in my #wokeuplikethis selfies? Why is no one viewing my YouTube videos even if I work hard on them? Eighth Grade encapsulates this difficult period in the lives of Gen Z kids with the use of experiences and references which are so specific to this generation: I may have gotten whiplash more times than I would care to admit. Elsie Fisher shines in her painfully relatable performance as Kayla: you can sense her desperation for social acceptance. She just wants to be worth noticing and remembering, is that so bad! Although his role is often overshadowed, I also felt for her dad (Josh Hamilton), who tries to hide the struggle of looking out for a daughter who's growing in ways he simply can't understand.

Boyhood (2014, dir. Richard Linklater) ★★★

This ambitious effort by the director of my favorite film trilogy observes the growth and development of a typical American boy named Mason. No fancy plot devices or major conflicts are in sight, but by using the keeping the cast members fixed during the 12 years it took to put this project together instead of swapping them out for older counterparts, audiences are expected to form an emotional connection with them because they were given an intimate and prolonged look into their lives. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case for me. Yes, I did watch him grow up before my eyes, but I barely know who he is. These mundane snippets of his life haphazardly stitched together, without any indication of how much time has elapsed since the previous scene, made it hard to keep up with the pace and look at the viewing experience as anything but a chore. I honestly am puzzled as to why I endured 165 minutes (I’m kidding, it was for Ethan Hawke) worth of footage, and sadly it wasn’t even worth it.

Brooklyn (2015, dir. John Crowley) ★★★★

This drama about the migration of an Irish girl to New York to seek better opportunities delves into the concept of what home truly is, as Eilis is left to choose between two men from two different countries. Divided into three segments revolving around pivotal events in the protagonist’s life, it sensitively tackles the experiences and issues familiar to any immigrant, remains true to the period it is set in, and engaging to audience members of all ages. Most in the historical genre are incapable of doing all three, so that's definitely no mean feat! And I’m not biased because Saoirse Ronan plays the starring role, although her compelling performance renders it impossible for anyone who claims to have a beating heart to finish this without puffy eyes and a heavy chest.

Happy Old Year (2019, dir. Nawapol Thamrongrattanarit) ★★★★

I thought Chutimon Chuengcharoensukying couldn’t top her role in Bad Genius, but she just had to come along and star in this personal take on new beginnings. Here, she plays Jean, a girl in the process of decluttering her house so she can transform it into an office space. While sifting through her possessions, she finds certain things belonging to people from her past, that remind her of broken relationships and question her philosophies on forgiveness and letting go. Her performance may be understated compared to the cunning and reckless Lynn she has become popular for, but I see this mastery of restraint as indication of her growth as an actress. The film is relatively simple in its execution, staying true to its central theme of minimalism. By stripping the structure down to the bare essentials of actor and dialogue, the audience can focus on the poignancy ingrained in the most mundane part of our everyday routines.

The Edge of Seventeen (2016, dir. Kelly Fremon Craig) ★★★★

It's actually true that a coming-of-age movie has been written based on every definitive moment a teenage girl experiences, they weren’t lying. The Edge of Seventeen could serve as part of Eighth Grade's cinematic universe, but instead we’re dealing with another reflection of who we were (or maybe still are). Nadine (Hailee Steinfeld) is a teen constantly teetering between arrogant self-assurance and sheer hopelessness. When she loses her best friend to her worst nemesis, she suddenly has to learn to navigate the ups and downs of adolescence and deal with her mental illness on her own. Besides focusing on the several firsts that we often encounter during this stage in our lives, the film accurately portrays our angsty and self-deprecating nature without resorting to mockery, therefore calling us out on this reflex we have of beating ourselves up and giving those around us permission to do so during such a critical part of our lives. I swore I was actually going to try not to cry here, but I guess Nadine's tearful monologue left me with no choice. (I'll leave it below so you can suffer with me.)

You know, ever since we were little, I would get this feeling like, like I’m floating outside of my body, looking down at myself… and I hate what I see: how I’m acting, the way I sound, and I don’t know how to change it. And I’m so scared that the feeling is never gonna go away.

The Kingmaker (2019, dir. Lauren Greenfield) ★★★★

This documentary is a fitting introduction for anyone who isn't familiar with the ill-gotten wealth and abuses the Marcoses have lying underneath their glossy veneer of opulence as well as the consequences of their actions that we suffer from to this day. Greenfield’s juxtaposition of this family’s fabricated stories and the testimonies of victims and first-hand witnesses was a smart move, as we observe the lengths they often go to, to revise the course of history. By spotting the parallels in their narrative and that of Rodrigo Duterte, the next strongman the voting population would unfortunately elect as their leader, we are also given a glimpse into the selective amnesia of the Filipino people that keeps these people in power. The danger lies in the fact that being an outsider herself, Greenfield leaves plenty of room for interpretation: there is no clear-cut statement of what was right and wrong among the several interweaving statements we heard. I was able to determine which was which is due to the fact that I already had prior knowledge, but where does that leave those who don't?

By the way, if you’re wondering why this has been grouped under this category, it’s because I remembered from Grade 6 science class that anger is one way to trigger adrenaline in the body.

Inception (2010, dir. Christopher Nolan) ★★★★★

Perfect always felt like a lazy way to describe what is supposed to be of superior quality. If you want to sing praises about anything that good, you're gonna have to do a better job than that to convince anyone that it's worth their time: was it inventive and bold or cerebral or emotional? Well, I'm afraid I have to bend this rule for Inception for the sake of brevity, because if I leave myself to ramble on about everything this did right, I would surely run out of adjectives. This sci-fi-heist-psychological thriller is in a league of its own, with its intricate plot and layered method of storytelling further amplified by stellar cast performances, masterful editing and special effects, and a thundering musical score that keeps audiences on edge for the entirety of its run. These elements come together to create a production that resonates and lingers with viewers long after the credits have rolled, partly thanks to that highly disputed final scene. (If my opinion is worth anything here, I believed that it stopped. Iykyk.)

The Lobster (2015, dir. Yorgos Lanthimos) ★★★★½

In this dystopian society, single people are required to check into a hotel in the hopes of finding a suitable partner within 45 days. If they fail to do so, they are sentenced to live the rest of their lives as an animal of their choice. It’s an absurd plot, far removed from reality, executed in a bleak and dry fashion. Yet, it manages to mirror and even satirize the world of modern relationships rather profoundly, particularly the societal pressure to couple up and find our ideal match instantly, or face harsh judgment. I doubt I've watched anything this dark in my life, but I found the unpredictable twists and turns, the deadpan humor, the sheer strangeness of it all very amusing and recommend it to anybody who wants to learn a thing or two about how blind love can be.

Ocean’s Eleven (2001, dir. Steven Soderbergh) ★★★★

I admit I was as pissed as Rusty Ryan (Brad Pitt) following his discovery that the reason why Danny Ocean (George Clooney) was keen on carrying out an elaborate heist of the three biggest casinos in Las Vegas was to win his wife (Julia Roberts) back. But, along the way, I was reeled in by the airtight pacing of the multiple scams that were a part of the scheme and the natural banter that takes place among the members of the ensemble. Also, it’s quite impossible to be annoyed at something that starred so many big names during the peak of their careers. (I have a soft spot for Matt Damon, thanks a lot Good Will Hunting.) Although I already knew what was going to happen, it was a joyride to see everything unfold. Based on the ending (and the copies of Ocean’s Twelve and Thirteen that my dad owned as a kid), I can tell that it’s far from over and I’m surely looking forward to what happens next.

So, that’s it for today’s round-up! Hope something caught your interest: I’d be happy to send 123m*vies links for any of those that aren’t available on Netflix. Feel free to hit me up too: I'm honestly up for thought-provoking discussions and straight-up keyboard smashing. Wishing you love and light always, and don’t forget to wash your hands, check your privilege and pray for our frontliners!