#to have clothes that fucking fit me
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i will respect my body no matter how many changes it goes through, i will treat it with kindness no matter how it looks, i will make sure it’s nourished no matter how sick it is, i will take care of it no matter how i feel in it
#it’s hard to keep up with my recovery when my health isn’t at its best for whatever reason#im tired and i just want better for myself#im tired of feeling like even the weight of my own clothes is too much#and the constant chest pain and headache#and shaking#im so so tired#i don’t want to think about how the food i eat will make me look#i don’t want to care about that#i just want to care about how it’ll make me feel and if im getting the nutrition i need and if im enjoying it#i dont want to care about how clothes fit me#it doesn’t matter#they wouldn’t feel anything if i altered them to fit me better#they were made to fit me!!! i wasn’t made to fit into them#i do feel pain and anxiety and exhaustion and so so much more that no one deserves to ever feel#whenever i try to change how i look#i don’t deserve this pain#i deserve to be happy#i deserve to enjoy life#to accept love fully#to have clothes that fucking fit me#to eat for fucks sake#i look skinny and all it did was make me more miserable#fuck this#i will be happy#i will eat enough#i will recover#tw eating disorder#tw ed#tw weight loss#tw food
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No more references. Use your own fits
#he would not fucking wear that#fine I’ll stop pimping him out for a day#rare Gil having a good day :)#yes these are my actual everyday clothes#old man pajama fit#I love that coat it’s like three sizes too big for me#hws prussia#aph prussia#gilbert beilschmidt#digital art#my art#commissions open#artists on tumblr#procreate#digital illustration#fanart#hetalia#illustration#having a little experimental moment <3#hetalia fanart
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I lived, bitches.
#pain isn't too bad so far but I assume that will change tomorrow because day of you usually still have some anesthetic in your system#also I'm PRETTY sure they fucked up and gave me too much anesthesia because I've had surgery five other times and never been hit this hard#including the major ankle surgery a year ago which was fine#and they clearly wanted to move me out but it took well over an hour for nausea to stop#at least the nausea has finally stopped though#and they had to keep putting the nasal cannula back because I wasn't breathing deeply enough on my own and my O2 stats were too low#so yeah I think the anesthesiologist did not do Fat People Math correctly in the same way that manufacturers of plus size clothing#sometimes try to make it bigger all over and fail at making a garment that fits#surgery itself was apparently fine and very textbook
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Bonus:
#did anyone else have an outsider phase in middle school. or was that just me#anyways hunk and pidge figured out how to watch earth movies#or specifically the outsiders. whichever is funnier#i just think that imagining keith as a greaser is so fucking funny#like sure. the clothes would fit his character#but the slicked back greased up hair with keiths mullet????? comedy gold#voltron#also if you couldnt tell i just rewatched the outsiders#that movie is so so so funny to me#there are some Transitions that are so bad theyre good#and the fact that the plot makes no sense unless youve read the book? why did they do that#also they say 'man' over 50 times in that movie#with dally saying over half even though hes barely there#(fun fact from middle school me)#voltart
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Regular reminder that sudden and severe weight loss is a pretty serious sign that something is very, very wrong
#weight#weight loss#brought to you by the realisation today that my hips are currently smaller than my fucking waist usually is#it’s summer and i’ve been walking the hill a lil more but damn that’s not fucking good#and before anyone even THINKS ‘i wish i had this problem’ i guarantee you do not#cuz it comes from 2 hour bathroom trips that are screamingly painful#and the arbitrary inability to eat literally anything#which often crops up right before i sit down to eat something#and i mean i can wait it out and eat late but it’s really goddamn annoying#and none of my goddamn clothes fit AGAIN i’m way out of even my smallest stuff#my broke ass is not buying new shit and if i make any cosplay to fit me now it’ll be way too small when i’m back in remission 😤#gotta get the goddamn meal replacement shakes again and see if i can process those#they are GROSS#gym bros are lying to you#they all suck#and i need to do em along with regular meals cuz i’m not gonna get enough from either#luckily i also have chronically low blood pressure so frenchfries are medicinal on both levels#this may also explain my resting heartrate being around 120bpm in my opinion#but no one’s ever really discussed it
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vanweek day 2 - knife
does anyone else remember the knife game or have i finally gotten too old
#my art#vanweek2024#vanessa fnaf#vanessa sb#eyestrain#eye strain#<- 90% of my art will have these tags SORRY!#i tried to give the impression that she's being controlled to do this? like w/ the green hands and the eyes and face?#so i hope that came across lmao#also: the poofy sleeves. im using My vanny design which has similar details but a different silhouette bc it's not skin tight#which is what makes more sense to me. so her outfit is essentially made up of other pieces of clothes + patches of cloth for Style#my girl does NOT know how to sew she is NOT making an entire form fitting fur suit#plus it adds a little bit of mystery as to how she really looks when you can't see her entire fucking body through the suit lol#overall tho i didn't change much honestly. besides all the stuff i complained abt i do like her design w/ all the stitching + the mask
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dgaf about egg jokes they're harmless and at worst mildly stereotypical do your thing im sure ive made one before. however. i do feel like the whole discourse was kicked off by that "egg behavior to wear women's deodorant as a man" tweet and we all collectively need to agree that that tweet was dumb & stupid and women's deodorant is objectively superior to men's. actually men's hygiene products in general just suck more except razors. apparently its manly to smell like shit and have dry skin. if i had my druthers id force every cis man to use dove deodorant. id mean id still do it if it made them transgender but i see it as more of a public service in terms of smell than in that regard.
#men's clothes also are all Fucking Beige.#they fit better and are better quality material but fuck me they're boring unless you're willing to drop major cash#also i don't really get the egg thing bc i came out at 11#so for me being an egg was just like i want to crawl out of my skin and i can't picture myself as a happy adult woman#but that's puberty right? oh.#and all these jokes are way more for like early 20 somethings that didn't have an inkling i guess#and i just don't get it bc i was always mixing male and female stuff growing up so i didn't care or see it as a sign#but if you DID have a gendered childhood and adolescence then yeah small gender experimentation like buying different soap would matter#i also did have some experiences more similar to what trans women seem to recount though so idk#like i used to privately (chastely) crossdress and take pictures of myself#and i don't think ive ever met another trans guy who did that unless they were from a strict religious backgrounf#or like religious women trying on jeans for the first time#anyway. I think it can reinforce gender roles a lot but not horribly so. Like mostly idc. Maybe don't say that to ppl you don't know well
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You absolutely can tell when clothes are bad quality but like. Where are you meant to buy clothes that are good quality.
#and like listen I basically never buy polyester just because I can’t abide the texture#but that narrows my clothing options down to next to nothing#which is fine because I have enough clothes and so my solution is I just don’t buy clothes very often because I don’t need to#but I did recently gain weight and then all of my trousers didn’t fit me anymore#so I went back to the shops where I bought them and the quality had declined SO rapidly in the last two years#and I had to fucking hunt for a shop that didn’t make jeans out of fucking paper.
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dumping some thoughts in the tags
#I've been TRYING hard okay#I've been trying to buy better clothes from smaller shops#but when they arrive it turns out they're cheap polyester drop ship crap#I've been trying to get more involved in the queer community and be more of a person#but the online zoom meetings were uncomfortable#the discord transmasc voice class went badly because I didn't understand how to use the bot#I booked a queer film night for me and my partner but it turned out to be creepy and churchy so we dropped out#I've signed up to steward pride we'll see how that goes#I went to a protest but it rained a lot so I only stayed for half#I've been trying to use amazon less but every time I go around my small local stores they don't have any of the stuff I'm looking for#I'm trying to be more myself and be more brave but my binders don't fit and I can't use a sewing machine#and every time I speak to a stranger or a colleague my voice goes up#I'm trying to work out more and eat less but I'm so tired#I'm trying to boycott and buy slave-free and say no to Ai and to genocide and to tiktok and disney and nestle and spotify#Telling myself I have food at home and to stop scrolling reddit and got get more sleep and to call my friends#All this therapy all these good choices all this work and so little to show for it some days#I am going back to fucking bed
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alright i finished this so i need to celebrate my accomplishment (???) by sharing it to the world
BETTER versions of my trio designs. because boo boo the other old ones were BORING and TOO SIMPLE and lowhighkey UGLY. i had no idea what i was thinking when i made this but i guess design notes before to see if i can figure out what the fuck these mean 💀
killer🔪:3
he got a GLOW UP!!! when i was figuring him out i was thinking like. this man needs to look combat ready he CANNOT look chill and relaxed he MUST look good to fight. killer can't catch a break 💀 anyways. it's ALSO not revealing (⁎˃ᴗ˂⁎) because i feel he would NOT wear that stuff cmon flirty =/= revealing. his charms are found through his words and actions (stabbing someone through the heart) (speaking of the heart i couldn't be bothered to draw his soul mb)
the gloves/shirt/leggings under his clothes may LOOK seperate. but its actually all one big piece!!! because i thought it would be silly and funny :3 but like on a serious note i like this because it provides an extra layer of protection (both in a fight and not) and like. a sense of anonymity i guess??? like you can't see killer's natural body you cant SEE who he was before because hes changed that much (or i guess HE cant see who he was b4 wtvr)
actually a lot of killer's outfit has meaning behind it. knee pads = unnatural body imitation killer is a whole new being now not monster (also adding 2 the combat look :3) belts = restraint killer needs to stay in line and do as he's ordered (i needed some visual interest 💀) zippers on shoes?? actually no meaning i just thought it would be cute. somehow i managed to find meanings 4 all of the trio's zippers. killer's is jammed in that spot. show like idk he is irreversibly changed to what he is now (a lot of this makes no sense)
horror 🪓 :3
if you remove all the rips in the clothes he'd be the most basic out of all of them. but theyre there so he's NOT the most basic! 4 horror i was thinking like "you can see he's fucked up but you can also see he's desperately trying to keep it together" type feel. i totally didnt steal those under socket lines (thank you mania and paranoia for donating to your og versions :3) to make horror look more 🌀🌀🌀 (cannot describe it)
the cloak was stolen from undyne trust. he wears it as a power move FUCK YOU!!! to her :3 also it looks royal and regal which could kinda show like horror's power and sway over snowdin. he's DEFINITELY not a king but he is a provider and a lot of what he says goes around those parts. a lot of ppl look to him as like world's shittiest leader(ish). also i just wanted him to have something unique!
underneath horror's jacket his shirt is reaaaally torn he should probably replace it. there are some holes from when he was pinned down with spears during the core incident and then the whole lower half is just totally torn off from that one comic 💀 but thats why the jacket is zipped up! however the zipper broke and now the jacket can't unzip! (because horror struggles with the fact that horrortale ISNT gonna be perpetually shitty (everyone say thanks aliza) and would rather nobody see him vulnerable)
dust🧣:3
i didn't change much about him lowkey he's pretty much wearing the same CLOTHES. just that the style and way he's wearing them changed. wanted him to give like,,,,, comfy (because bro did not change out of his sansish clothes) but also like FOCUSED o(≧口≦)o like horror he has the under socket line but thats just to make him look more stressed and tired
i moved around the scarf to NOT be around his neck bc it was sooo annoying drawing the hood and then having to account for the scarf. it kind gave him a baby face vibe which i did NOT like. also i think dust would wear the scarf however. very versatile as long as the scarf remains intact. so it COULD go around waist COULD be around neck COULD be around limbs
i didn't mean to do this but the black thingy around his shoulders (was originally there just to fill in the empty space without the scarf there 💀) could be seen as like mourning wear. again with the silly zipper symbolism but dust's zipper is fine its not broken like horror or killer's are because he chose to go down this path. dust CHOSE to zip it up and now its too late to go back now (so bro MUST power through ‼️‼️ he cant unzip the zipper now!!!!)
overall i like these. usually i like coming up with cool unique character designs its so fun but my trio was hard (im hard). probably bc i didnt wanna make then wear anything too weird Dx BUT NOW AT LEAST THEY ALL LOOK LESS BABY!!!! i think i depicted how i see them though like ughhh cannot explain but now they look like how i want them to sound
#i love love LOVE the cloak i gave horror its so fun and silly#it makes him feel so much more im better than you superior asshole vibes#these were inspired by like some old mtt but girl drawings i made a year ago and never showed anyone#so like. i feel like it shouldve been MORE fem looking than the olds ones but surprisingly not#they look gender neutral now!!!! YES!!!!!! mtt just skeletons could look fem or masc but i dont think they would#so they wear clothing in between!!! besides if i wanted to make them girly i have jk fashion au for that#i said no slutty killer but i feel that way for all of them. they wouldn't go around shirtless or wearing tight clothing#they are covered up i swear. none of these fucks are comfortable enough with themselves and anyone else to wear anything revealing#me when i see killer or horror with no shirt on (PUT ON A SHIRT!!! ESPECIALLY KILLER!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING SHIRTLESS THAT EXPOSES YOUR SOUL#and horror's probably scrawny and his bones are brittle so why would be expose them to the elements even more 😭😭 AND he lives in snowdin#something something dust and horror have more classic similar smiles while killers isnt#i was just bullshitting with the mourning outfit dust thing but from the upper half he lowkey does look like it#like a grief stricken depressed maiden. what a surprise that he feels bad after killing everyone he loves#i drew killer with knives here but what i really wanted to draw were like chained blades. sickles. a sword. other blades than just a knife#i actually was gonna draw my trio with different weapons 😭😭 but then i got sidetracked and just drew them with different clothes#when i was drawing dust i was like OH SHIT HE LOOKS WAAAAY TOO MUCH LIKE CLASSIC SANS.#it was unnerving. this is why i give them all different eye shapes to differentiate them!#now they all look more serious and grown up. even tho theyre all grown adult fucking men and damn horror's like 30#dust and killer look more ready to fight and horror looks more like. authoritative???? idk but its a good look 4 then#i desillyfied them. i /srsed them. i got rid of all the fun and whimsy but its ok i guess. maybe these will be easier to draw at least#UGHHH now i have to memorize these designs. only downside.....#now they all dont look similar or like branches of eachother. idk how to feel about that#prior they were clearly all connected. like a precure team they had differences but the overall vibe was the same#does this mean i have to change the mst's outfits to fit with the mtt's now 😭😭 dont wanna!! i dont wanna redraw the mst!!!#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#utmv#tricule art
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I've reached season 5 on my CSI rewatch and I'm a few episodes past "Swap Meet", where a woman is murdered after attending a swing party with other couples from the neighbourhood. Near the end of the episode there's a moment that made me jump from my seat:
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two cups. He hands her a cup of tea.)
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE]
Erin Brady: Everybody fantasizes about other people. (She glances at Grissom.)
Even you, Mr. Grissom. A neighbor, a friend ... girl at the office.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY]
(The door opens. Paul Brady walks out of the hallway. Erin Brady walks out into the hallway. Sara is sitting in the hallway chair watching them. She watches as they meet and kiss.)
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two culps. He hands her a cup of tea.)
LIKE!!!!!!!
Right after Erin ends her sentence with 'girl at the office', the first time Sara and Grissom meet again, he brings her tea. This might be an innocent interaction but to me it seemed like a nod to this relationship they have where both are into each other, know about the other's feelings, but can't/won't do anything about it (although Sara has kind of given Grissom an ultimatum). I don't know if it was intentional - I'm guessing it is, because I picked it up immediately. I might or might not have squealed in delight.
#csi#gsr#i'm very Normal about them btw i don't think about them 50 times per day or anything#need to talk more about these two here#because im obsessed about them in a Normal way#sara is like. my dream wife. i totally get grissom being in love with her for years and barely holding it together#i would not though#i'm 1000% sure she's bi. but the writers have been cowards so far#also she and i dress THE SAME. yes i love 2000s clothes so what#i could talk about her forever she's everything to me#and grissom. oh grissom. i also get why she's been in love with him forever#i mean what the FUCK went down in san francisco did they hook up and sex was so good it scared them#and now they have to live with that tension and they're scared of crossing that line#nah i'm guessing with these two they just REALLY clicked. like. they were an instant match and they knew it#but grissom didnt want to lose focus on work or whatever and they lived in separate states you know#but oh my god i totally get sara. grissom is such a silver fox. he's like one of the hottest old men i've ever seen in my life#you know what i 100% get tumblr sexualizing old men it's completely valid i'm in this now too#he has this LOOK. whenever he's angry at a suspect. and he looks angrily at them. i'm chewing on my keyboard just remembering it#and his smirks#AND THE WAY HE LOOKS AT SARA#im losing my mind#i love all of gil grissom but seasons 4-5 jesus fucking christ#ok enough with the sexualizing i love him as a character SO MUCH. he's absolutely fantastic#one of the things i love the most about him is that he doesn't judge people. whenever the team is confused about someone#or this persons' lifestyle#he's always trying to understand them and not judge them#like a true scientist he wants to understand the nature of things and people#and he's such a sweetheart i love him so much#like there are so many things i love about him i can't fit them all in the tags. same for sara#they're a perfect match for me
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any company that advertises itself as specializing in “transmasc clothing” is so full of shit if any of yall buy jeans for 99 dollars bcoz obviously as a beautiful afab you need clothing accomodating of your voluptuous hips and thighs then im sorry but you are a little poser bitch and an idiot. 99 dollars for jeans like fuck offffffff you cannot convince me that theres not a mens cut of jeans that fits you. 99 dollars. fuck you
#fatphobia aside theres no reason why you cant find a pair of jeans in the men’s section at the good will for like 15 bucks max. like come on#didnt check the website coz i closed the app and forgot the stupid company name but i can almost guarantee theres no fat models either#didnt see any sizes above a 40 waist lol#like. if you have a big ass and hips finding jeans that fit right can be difficult but theres no reason why you need to be buying 99 dollar#jeans like bitches will just slap the ‘transmasc clothing brand’ sticker on and call it a day and some of yall stupid transgendereds will#eat it right up#and dont even get me STARTED on the thin layer of transmisogyny coating everything its greasy and its cringe. 99 dollars. fuck you + die
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#vent#sorry god not to use this as a space for that since i almost never do but i am. so frustrated.#so context is that over this year i have lost. like. A Concerning Amount Of Weight. without changing anything about my lifestyle.#hell if anything i’m doing worse on that front because i have no fucking energy now. i am constantly exhausted and dizzy. i can’t eat as#well as i used to and i can’t exercise. i do not feel good!!!#but i can’t say a goddamn thing to my family because the minute they hear ‘lost weight’ it’s like their brains turn off and they don’t hear#the rest of what’s going on. it’s purely positive for them.#EVEN IF I DID NOT FEEL LIKE SHIT. AND I VERY MUCH DO. I STILL WOULD NOT LIKE MY BODY SUDDENLY CHANGING ON ME LIKE THAT.#i liked how i looked and i liked how i felt.#i felt so much fucking stronger and more alert like 30 pounds ago. now im always tired and none of my clothes fit and im cold because all my#fucking padding got taken away from me!!!! i needed that!!!!!!!!#im just hoping Something shows up in my bloodwork this month to clue me in to what’s going on because this can’t continue. i hate this.
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#hey like. not to be really annoying i shouldn't be doing this aged 32 but i'm really struggling#every time the weather gets cold i feel like i am entering winter with more and more despair#i am really struggling this time#every day is a struggle to get through#i'm losing my hair#i'm losing my reasons to live#i keep putting on a full face of makeup and clothes in my room at like 2am just to desperately try to feel human#i keep saying i don't know if I'll survive the winter and people keep laughing but I don't mean it as a joke#i'm sadder than i've ever been and everything feels like it's falling apart#whenever i get the chance to confide this in people i get told that i'm strong and i'm a survivor#and that i should do some shit to make me happy#and yea i can stave it all off for a few minutes with like a trip out or some makeup or something but it all feels like bandaids#for a serious wound that's going to go septic soon#like this isn't a way to live a life#i don't want to 'be strong' or a 'survivor' anymore i want to be fucking happy#i'm tired and promises of brief happiness between ever worsening pain feel almost patronizing at this point#i woke up the other day in the middle of the night and as soon as conscious thoughts hit my brain i almost doubled over#if i had been not on the first floor i think i might have jumped then and there#i want to be loved and feel like my love is worth something#i want a clean apartment of my own and a career that doesn't feel like it's designed to kill me#i'm 32 and still essentially feel like i'm living my life like a teenager#i want sun and suncatchers and healthy plants and a wardrobe that fits my clothes#and i want the will to actually get up in the morning#i endured all of this for so long on a delusional belief that things were going to magically get better#but i realize now they won't#i became aware of the bounds of my cage with no means of escaping them#i'm sick of living each day oscillating between numbness and grief i can barely eat i can barely work i can barely laugh#and no one's coming to save me#i'm agonized by the idea that this is maybe what life always is for everybody#is this how it's supposed to be
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Painting 🖼
#need to draw for myself more lmfao#i wish i felt this comfortable using saturated colors like this in other art but#its difficult#i feel like i can only do it w original art#AAAAAGGHHH I LIKE THIS ONE A LOT#im rly proud of the clothes. very leyendecker to me#its weird how much i like the pink considering i never use hot pink 😭😭#its just very fitting for this idk#also i was gonna draw a different outfit#but before i knew it i sketched 1700s stuff 😭😭 i cant help it#its too perfect yknow....#also funny anecdote i must tell you#when i was in middle school we had to do an assignment related to the monkey's paw#and one of the questions was like: whats a wish you cna think of that doesnt have any possible caveats#and mine was: oh i wish i could draw ruffles well!!!#and here i am. however many years on. STILL FUCKING WISHING I COULD DRAW RUFFLES BETTER#theyre okay in this. but i force myself to draw them a lot bcs theyre still difficult as hell to me#well anyways. personal art wooooooo. cause i need to force my brain back into drawing for myself mainly#well actually i always draw for myself bcs every piece is pretty esoteric#but my brain is still like: notes??? does anyone even care???#catie. i care. your own self cares <3#catie.art.
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Time for more eternal gales isat au, this time featuring Sier as Isabeau, creating a sprite I can never use next to Aris’ because despite my best efforts it would make them look tall
#keese draws#eternal gales#oc#oc art#isat#in stars and time#this one didn’t take nearly as long as the aris one but I think I suffered for it more from the clothes alone#siffrin made me forget I suck at drawing clothes rip#this was also harder because of how much trickier it was to try and adapt siers design to feel fitting enough for my standards#they have a very stylized design compared to most of the others#I kind of took the lazy route out by keeping most of their original shapes in tact but it’s fine#sier in this au would serve the needed role of emotionally intelligent bestie who is also too scared to cross boundaries to do much#but despite this I do think they’d actually get the suspicion quest in this au#mostly because mase is a furry artist not a nerd and sier would be more likely to look at aris and go bro. are you in a fucking timeloop.#it also differs in that aris doesn’t yell at sier abt it instead looping before they can finish because she can’t handle hearing them be#right on the money about this thing that she thought she was handling perfectly#she doesn’t want to fail them she doesn’t want them to realize she’s failed them she doesn’t want to be a burden she doesn’t want them to#‘realize’ they’re better off without her#aris is Incredibly resistant to accepting help on most serious issues because shes convinced that it’s her responsibility to deal with it#by herself and that if she can’t then she’s a failure and worse than useless#I mean in canon eternal gales she literally loses her eye and arm because of that#in this au she just lost them how sif lost his eye but she still has. complexes abt all that.#but yeah sier also differs wildly from isa in many Many other ways as does the rest of the cast from their assigned characters#for sier they rly aren’t the jock of the group at all instead being more of the guy who keeps the mood lighthearted at all times lest they#die of stress because the others haven’t said anything in a whole 30 seconds#aka they’re the self assigned peacekeeper who doesn’t actually need to constantly keep the peace because no one’s fighting but they still#feel like they need to so they dance and dance and dance for their friends until they collapse from exhaustion#metaphorically ofc#this is why they’re both terrified to confront aris when she starts acting a bit fucked up but also why they still do sometimes anyways#they talk abt this a lil bit in their friend quest as they talk abt how they want to change but are scared to
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