#to have clothes that fucking fit me
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i will respect my body no matter how many changes it goes through, i will treat it with kindness no matter how it looks, i will make sure it’s nourished no matter how sick it is, i will take care of it no matter how i feel in it
#it’s hard to keep up with my recovery when my health isn’t at its best for whatever reason#im tired and i just want better for myself#im tired of feeling like even the weight of my own clothes is too much#and the constant chest pain and headache#and shaking#im so so tired#i don’t want to think about how the food i eat will make me look#i don’t want to care about that#i just want to care about how it’ll make me feel and if im getting the nutrition i need and if im enjoying it#i dont want to care about how clothes fit me#it doesn’t matter#they wouldn’t feel anything if i altered them to fit me better#they were made to fit me!!! i wasn’t made to fit into them#i do feel pain and anxiety and exhaustion and so so much more that no one deserves to ever feel#whenever i try to change how i look#i don’t deserve this pain#i deserve to be happy#i deserve to enjoy life#to accept love fully#to have clothes that fucking fit me#to eat for fucks sake#i look skinny and all it did was make me more miserable#fuck this#i will be happy#i will eat enough#i will recover#tw eating disorder#tw ed#tw weight loss#tw food
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Like a rose, gorgeous but not afraid to stab if you get handsy.
letting you know that you have to listen to this song if you want to properly enjoy this art.
#danganronpa#junko enoshima#fanart#scardraws#love that cover#junko would fucking slay as the ultimate spy#femme fatale and all that#out fit is loosely inspired by Pinterest pics#but peiced together by me#lots of roses because i love flowers#couldnt decide on her hair#Originally was going to be down but it didnt feel like junko so i put it up#and did both of her hair ties together bc i could decide on which#you can draw outfit if you like justa tag#since its technically an original design#idk if yall have ever realized this but i LOVE fashion#clothes are so pretty#yall SHOULD know i love character design#if you pay attention to my rambles#so it kinda goes hand in hand
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No more references. Use your own fits
#he would not fucking wear that#fine I’ll stop pimping him out for a day#rare Gil having a good day :)#yes these are my actual everyday clothes#old man pajama fit#I love that coat it’s like three sizes too big for me#hws prussia#aph prussia#gilbert beilschmidt#digital art#my art#commissions open#artists on tumblr#procreate#digital illustration#fanart#hetalia#illustration#having a little experimental moment <3#hetalia fanart
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ultimately!
#ELIIIIIIII YOU CANT SAY THAT ELIIIIIIIIIIII#audiof from not even emily latest video go watch literally its so fuckingfunny#dont even ask me how eli fits in hance' 5'2 dad's clothes pls ok#my art#digital art#oc art#anthro art#not even gonna lie i thfought i wasnt gonan finish this but we pulled thru#if quality gets murdered i will cry#swhy are all my favorite drawings baby sugar and eliyah interacting#i like themb#i was gonna add fucking comical cartoon slipping noises when her antler popped off but imovie literalsly. it didnt work it wpuldnt let me#vid too biggy#also noahs ark esque announcement for ppl thta read my evil ramble tags i miiight nuke sanguinary univers bc i love my ocs too much to like#like i dont wanna marry my first idea and i love them too much to box them into a project I PERSONALLY FEEL LIKE I FUMBLED LIKE#OK LITERALLY NO INSULT WHATSOEVER TO ANYONE WHO MIGHT LIKE IT BUT IT WAS my firsy ever comic and i feeeeel like i can do betteeerrr a#meowweooww#like if it was small things i wanted to change i could juts panel edit but its like. major things like when i started chapter 1 i had#LITERALLY NO PLAN JUST MY nerdy vampire obsession. which is still present. giggle h#breaking news boygirl learns that they arent rlly proudof the writing in comic thye started when they were a teenager#ALSO I LITERALLY HAVE LORE THAT IVE. BEEN MAKING THAT CONTRADICTS THINGS (? PROBABLY) SO ok trust me ok just trust m#also yes this is what i’ve been working on except that animatsuon i mentioned with eli crying because priorities or someth#not except wtf i mean insyead or some other shit#also i just looked at this wall of text on mobile and like ew shut up little gay
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Bonus:
#did anyone else have an outsider phase in middle school. or was that just me#anyways hunk and pidge figured out how to watch earth movies#or specifically the outsiders. whichever is funnier#i just think that imagining keith as a greaser is so fucking funny#like sure. the clothes would fit his character#but the slicked back greased up hair with keiths mullet????? comedy gold#voltron#also if you couldnt tell i just rewatched the outsiders#that movie is so so so funny to me#there are some Transitions that are so bad theyre good#and the fact that the plot makes no sense unless youve read the book? why did they do that#also they say 'man' over 50 times in that movie#with dally saying over half even though hes barely there#(fun fact from middle school me)#voltart
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Regular reminder that sudden and severe weight loss is a pretty serious sign that something is very, very wrong
#weight#weight loss#brought to you by the realisation today that my hips are currently smaller than my fucking waist usually is#it’s summer and i’ve been walking the hill a lil more but damn that’s not fucking good#and before anyone even THINKS ‘i wish i had this problem’ i guarantee you do not#cuz it comes from 2 hour bathroom trips that are screamingly painful#and the arbitrary inability to eat literally anything#which often crops up right before i sit down to eat something#and i mean i can wait it out and eat late but it’s really goddamn annoying#and none of my goddamn clothes fit AGAIN i’m way out of even my smallest stuff#my broke ass is not buying new shit and if i make any cosplay to fit me now it’ll be way too small when i’m back in remission 😤#gotta get the goddamn meal replacement shakes again and see if i can process those#they are GROSS#gym bros are lying to you#they all suck#and i need to do em along with regular meals cuz i’m not gonna get enough from either#luckily i also have chronically low blood pressure so frenchfries are medicinal on both levels#this may also explain my resting heartrate being around 120bpm in my opinion#but no one’s ever really discussed it
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i'm not much of a doorkeay shipper but every time i think about "anybody else" by dom fera as michael distortion and gerry my brain stops workingi'm like ndksodmrnwpalsnfne oh ogdo oh my ogooooood oh god oh ood please no
#“i get cold in your ex's clothes that you left me” <- i'm going fucking insane#“she said i'm older than the golder rule but we can say i new” <- i'm going fucking crazy#because yeah yk. an ancient being the distortion took the form of michael shelley. almost new. gerry can still pretend it's him and not it#I think gerry will have to do a lot of pretending. that twisted mockery of michael shelley next to him is his michael even though it's not#and the distortion in turn wants to tear his memory of michael shelley free itself from this curse from the box it is meant to fit into#i mean. maybe herry will learn to love it no shit but it's kinda boring to me ngl#no comfort for them ssry#gerry learn to live with something that will never be who you remember yet at the same time the most thing that remains of him#michael distortion learn to live in the other's illusion about you.#you are never fully yourself you are never fully him you are too much and not enough at the same time#gerry grieves. loves and hates how close and how far you are from michael shelley#.#peak of romance i believe#hey maybe i should write a fic about that. i actually already did but#there is no such thing as too much fics about the thing that makes you a true freak#i can't even say that i love doorkeay. i think i just love watching people (and things) suffer.#thank you for coming to my ted talk#!#tma#the magnus archives#doorkeay#micheal distortion#gerry keay#gerrymichael#not art#BUT THERE WILL BE.
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GUESS WHO I'M DRAWING NOOOOWWWWW~!!!!
#the angle is SO. WEIRD for the clothes lmao#it's actually fucking me up lol#i love this silly little guy#he's full of whimsy and murderous intent! /silly#i love how he IMMEDIATELY went to brag about his INSANE grinding for the enchanting skill to tubbo???? great. 10/10 no notes#you can HEAR he was having THE TIME of HIS LIFE with tub tub's reactions lmfaooo#also the fact he's planning to make everyone compete on like. saw type shit /silly to get RIDICULOUSLY OP gear is SO him...#i automatically thought “oh so he REALLY liked the idea of The Peace Trials huh?” lmaoo#currently laying down bc my back hurts/is bothering me like a 5 year old asking if u have games on ur phone :((((#(I've been sitting on my pc drawing for most of the day lol)#anyway#demon shares wips™#clownpierce#the realm smp#the realm fanart#clownpierce fanart#trsmp#trsmp fanart#i have SUCH ideas for the other ppl btw....#idk if I'll make them like. permanent designs???? (besides clown ofc) but i WILL try them out bc it'll be fun!#they're my barbie dolls and I'm dressing them up for my tea party aight?#ALL of the trsmp design I'll make WILL be based off wadanohara and the great blue sea btw#bc i can#and it's fun#im thinking#foolish as mikotsuhime. pangi as regular wadda. bad as either totsusahime or chlomaki. hannah as tatsumiya. tubbo as uomihime#phil as laurentia. sneeg as adauchi. whoever tf else was in their initial trio as ver million#MMmMmMmMmmMmmMMmMmMmnMMmMMMm idk where i can fit roscumber as clown's apprentice. might shuffle things around for that.......#hm.#honestly i can make tommy as chlomaki and charlie as lobco ngl. that could work.......
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vanweek day 2 - knife
does anyone else remember the knife game or have i finally gotten too old
#my art#vanweek2024#vanessa fnaf#vanessa sb#eyestrain#eye strain#<- 90% of my art will have these tags SORRY!#i tried to give the impression that she's being controlled to do this? like w/ the green hands and the eyes and face?#so i hope that came across lmao#also: the poofy sleeves. im using My vanny design which has similar details but a different silhouette bc it's not skin tight#which is what makes more sense to me. so her outfit is essentially made up of other pieces of clothes + patches of cloth for Style#my girl does NOT know how to sew she is NOT making an entire form fitting fur suit#plus it adds a little bit of mystery as to how she really looks when you can't see her entire fucking body through the suit lol#overall tho i didn't change much honestly. besides all the stuff i complained abt i do like her design w/ all the stitching + the mask
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dgaf about egg jokes they're harmless and at worst mildly stereotypical do your thing im sure ive made one before. however. i do feel like the whole discourse was kicked off by that "egg behavior to wear women's deodorant as a man" tweet and we all collectively need to agree that that tweet was dumb & stupid and women's deodorant is objectively superior to men's. actually men's hygiene products in general just suck more except razors. apparently its manly to smell like shit and have dry skin. if i had my druthers id force every cis man to use dove deodorant. id mean id still do it if it made them transgender but i see it as more of a public service in terms of smell than in that regard.
#men's clothes also are all Fucking Beige.#they fit better and are better quality material but fuck me they're boring unless you're willing to drop major cash#also i don't really get the egg thing bc i came out at 11#so for me being an egg was just like i want to crawl out of my skin and i can't picture myself as a happy adult woman#but that's puberty right? oh.#and all these jokes are way more for like early 20 somethings that didn't have an inkling i guess#and i just don't get it bc i was always mixing male and female stuff growing up so i didn't care or see it as a sign#but if you DID have a gendered childhood and adolescence then yeah small gender experimentation like buying different soap would matter#i also did have some experiences more similar to what trans women seem to recount though so idk#like i used to privately (chastely) crossdress and take pictures of myself#and i don't think ive ever met another trans guy who did that unless they were from a strict religious backgrounf#or like religious women trying on jeans for the first time#anyway. I think it can reinforce gender roles a lot but not horribly so. Like mostly idc. Maybe don't say that to ppl you don't know well
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You absolutely can tell when clothes are bad quality but like. Where are you meant to buy clothes that are good quality.
#and like listen I basically never buy polyester just because I can’t abide the texture#but that narrows my clothing options down to next to nothing#which is fine because I have enough clothes and so my solution is I just don’t buy clothes very often because I don’t need to#but I did recently gain weight and then all of my trousers didn’t fit me anymore#so I went back to the shops where I bought them and the quality had declined SO rapidly in the last two years#and I had to fucking hunt for a shop that didn’t make jeans out of fucking paper.
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im curious to see how we'll see how we feel about takehiro and the others' new designs when they're fully revealed but it did get me thinking about how i would design his outfit. unfortunately i realized very quickly that i would just put him in my own fashion style: department-store-clearance-core
#art#traditional art#watercolour#fanart#virvox project#kurono takehiro#vocal synth#voicevox#no id rn because i havent figured out how to translate all this to alt text yet... gimme a bit to think on it orz#BUT yeah like. well im sure their new designs will be fine. but one thing that did stand out to me. is that i do not like muscle tees LOL#and i guess it snowballed. i like fitted tank tops. and loose 90s moe tank tops. but not muscle tanks. turtlenecks are fine.#but you know maybe my walmart clearance fashion sense works for him. i always liked that he kind of dresses like some fucking guy#like his blazer is pretty slick but the rest of him is just a guy in jeans and a t shirt. and i love that#like akashi dresses like my grandpa with better colour sense. kotarou dresses like a pokemon trainer? sourin has his like#traditional modern stylish thing going on. and the mysterious fur strip glued on the back <3 and aoyama dresses lowkey kinda hypebeast#streetwear esque. but takehiro? thats literally just some dude <3 <3 <3 i do worry his new design will make him tooo trendy looking#BUT im intrigued. i think they said they're hoping to do multiple designs by a bunch of people? which i hope they can#the original designs had a very. moe? appeal. a distinct sort of cuteness and squishiness without being toothrottingly so#that might be missing from some newer designs but if we have a whole variety we can have like#a zola project situation at least. like we have the stylistic amano art all the way to the v6 glossy designs#a whole variety would be nice. but i am worried about ryuuseis hair the most lowkey. what are we gonna do without his huge bizarre fauxhawk#BUT maybe i should throw my hat in the ring.... really push myself to make more fan designs and outfits for all these characters i like#maybe i'll be able to draw something thats not just zhers clearance clothes. maybe i'll step up to gap clearance clothes. even winners??
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I've reached season 5 on my CSI rewatch and I'm a few episodes past "Swap Meet", where a woman is murdered after attending a swing party with other couples from the neighbourhood. Near the end of the episode there's a moment that made me jump from my seat:
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two cups. He hands her a cup of tea.)
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE]
Erin Brady: Everybody fantasizes about other people. (She glances at Grissom.)
Even you, Mr. Grissom. A neighbor, a friend ... girl at the office.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY]
(The door opens. Paul Brady walks out of the hallway. Erin Brady walks out into the hallway. Sara is sitting in the hallway chair watching them. She watches as they meet and kiss.)
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two culps. He hands her a cup of tea.)
LIKE!!!!!!!
Right after Erin ends her sentence with 'girl at the office', the first time Sara and Grissom meet again, he brings her tea. This might be an innocent interaction but to me it seemed like a nod to this relationship they have where both are into each other, know about the other's feelings, but can't/won't do anything about it (although Sara has kind of given Grissom an ultimatum). I don't know if it was intentional - I'm guessing it is, because I picked it up immediately. I might or might not have squealed in delight.
#csi#gsr#i'm very Normal about them btw i don't think about them 50 times per day or anything#need to talk more about these two here#because im obsessed about them in a Normal way#sara is like. my dream wife. i totally get grissom being in love with her for years and barely holding it together#i would not though#i'm 1000% sure she's bi. but the writers have been cowards so far#also she and i dress THE SAME. yes i love 2000s clothes so what#i could talk about her forever she's everything to me#and grissom. oh grissom. i also get why she's been in love with him forever#i mean what the FUCK went down in san francisco did they hook up and sex was so good it scared them#and now they have to live with that tension and they're scared of crossing that line#nah i'm guessing with these two they just REALLY clicked. like. they were an instant match and they knew it#but grissom didnt want to lose focus on work or whatever and they lived in separate states you know#but oh my god i totally get sara. grissom is such a silver fox. he's like one of the hottest old men i've ever seen in my life#you know what i 100% get tumblr sexualizing old men it's completely valid i'm in this now too#he has this LOOK. whenever he's angry at a suspect. and he looks angrily at them. i'm chewing on my keyboard just remembering it#and his smirks#AND THE WAY HE LOOKS AT SARA#im losing my mind#i love all of gil grissom but seasons 4-5 jesus fucking christ#ok enough with the sexualizing i love him as a character SO MUCH. he's absolutely fantastic#one of the things i love the most about him is that he doesn't judge people. whenever the team is confused about someone#or this persons' lifestyle#he's always trying to understand them and not judge them#like a true scientist he wants to understand the nature of things and people#and he's such a sweetheart i love him so much#like there are so many things i love about him i can't fit them all in the tags. same for sara#they're a perfect match for me
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any company that advertises itself as specializing in “transmasc clothing” is so full of shit if any of yall buy jeans for 99 dollars bcoz obviously as a beautiful afab you need clothing accomodating of your voluptuous hips and thighs then im sorry but you are a little poser bitch and an idiot. 99 dollars for jeans like fuck offffffff you cannot convince me that theres not a mens cut of jeans that fits you. 99 dollars. fuck you
#fatphobia aside theres no reason why you cant find a pair of jeans in the men’s section at the good will for like 15 bucks max. like come on#didnt check the website coz i closed the app and forgot the stupid company name but i can almost guarantee theres no fat models either#didnt see any sizes above a 40 waist lol#like. if you have a big ass and hips finding jeans that fit right can be difficult but theres no reason why you need to be buying 99 dollar#jeans like bitches will just slap the ‘transmasc clothing brand’ sticker on and call it a day and some of yall stupid transgendereds will#eat it right up#and dont even get me STARTED on the thin layer of transmisogyny coating everything its greasy and its cringe. 99 dollars. fuck you + die
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#vent#sorry god not to use this as a space for that since i almost never do but i am. so frustrated.#so context is that over this year i have lost. like. A Concerning Amount Of Weight. without changing anything about my lifestyle.#hell if anything i’m doing worse on that front because i have no fucking energy now. i am constantly exhausted and dizzy. i can’t eat as#well as i used to and i can’t exercise. i do not feel good!!!#but i can’t say a goddamn thing to my family because the minute they hear ‘lost weight’ it’s like their brains turn off and they don’t hear#the rest of what’s going on. it’s purely positive for them.#EVEN IF I DID NOT FEEL LIKE SHIT. AND I VERY MUCH DO. I STILL WOULD NOT LIKE MY BODY SUDDENLY CHANGING ON ME LIKE THAT.#i liked how i looked and i liked how i felt.#i felt so much fucking stronger and more alert like 30 pounds ago. now im always tired and none of my clothes fit and im cold because all my#fucking padding got taken away from me!!!! i needed that!!!!!!!!#im just hoping Something shows up in my bloodwork this month to clue me in to what’s going on because this can’t continue. i hate this.
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#hey like. not to be really annoying i shouldn't be doing this aged 32 but i'm really struggling#every time the weather gets cold i feel like i am entering winter with more and more despair#i am really struggling this time#every day is a struggle to get through#i'm losing my hair#i'm losing my reasons to live#i keep putting on a full face of makeup and clothes in my room at like 2am just to desperately try to feel human#i keep saying i don't know if I'll survive the winter and people keep laughing but I don't mean it as a joke#i'm sadder than i've ever been and everything feels like it's falling apart#whenever i get the chance to confide this in people i get told that i'm strong and i'm a survivor#and that i should do some shit to make me happy#and yea i can stave it all off for a few minutes with like a trip out or some makeup or something but it all feels like bandaids#for a serious wound that's going to go septic soon#like this isn't a way to live a life#i don't want to 'be strong' or a 'survivor' anymore i want to be fucking happy#i'm tired and promises of brief happiness between ever worsening pain feel almost patronizing at this point#i woke up the other day in the middle of the night and as soon as conscious thoughts hit my brain i almost doubled over#if i had been not on the first floor i think i might have jumped then and there#i want to be loved and feel like my love is worth something#i want a clean apartment of my own and a career that doesn't feel like it's designed to kill me#i'm 32 and still essentially feel like i'm living my life like a teenager#i want sun and suncatchers and healthy plants and a wardrobe that fits my clothes#and i want the will to actually get up in the morning#i endured all of this for so long on a delusional belief that things were going to magically get better#but i realize now they won't#i became aware of the bounds of my cage with no means of escaping them#i'm sick of living each day oscillating between numbness and grief i can barely eat i can barely work i can barely laugh#and no one's coming to save me#i'm agonized by the idea that this is maybe what life always is for everybody#is this how it's supposed to be
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