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agape-philo-sophia · 7 months ago

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➝ Be The Change.

In order for Mankind to free themselves from the suffering clutches of external controllers, what the Holy Scriptures call “Principalities and Powers” and what we’ve discovered to be SORCERERS (i.e. Lawyers, Legislators, Politicians, Banking Families, Bureaucracies, etc.) practicing SORCERY through the manipulation of language, then Mankind MUST find within himself (individually) the motivation, the desire, or the CARE to change their thinking, their habits, their reactions, and their actions.

Anyone controlling us by way of manipulation, coercion, threat of violence, or the breeding of ignorance is effectually a Sorcerer because that is what Sorcerers do. They are selfish little devils primarily concerned with the satisfaction of their egos. The drive for centralized power and monopolized wealth is the stain of a total and complete distorted mind. Blanket statement!

So what shall we do? It would be sufficient enough that Man WILL himself away from reacting to fear in the exact opposite ways as he has been Led to behave. If we truly Desire different results, we must ask ourselves individually, “What am I willing to change about myself?”. Are you willing to stop watching television? Are you willing to begin reading informative books? Are you willing to stop eating processed “foods”? Are you willing to begin filtering your water? These are the types of questions we need to ask ourselves because these are the very things we need to do in order to liberate our clogged up and polluted minds and bodies.

It has been stated that the definition of INSANITY is to keep doing the same behaviors over and over and expect different results. Well you can’t continue to get angry over and over again and expect a different reaction than the one you’ve always gotten. So, it comes to reason that getting angry is foolishness rather than wisdom. And it would be wise to start LEARNING how to GOVERN that emotion using the intellect. Make sense? Because it is the mind that should be the command center rather than the other way around. See?

So what is keeping us back from changing? It’s two things. Our willingness to learn and our willingness to invite change. People are not willing to voluntarily replace their television viewing time with something beneficial like books. Blanket statement. And they surely aren’t willing to learn about how the mind truly operates and how our thoughts literally affect what we do, how we react, and why we do what we do.

But if you personally wish to be a stain on the sidelines of history and do nothing to better your mind, body, and spirit that’s your choice. And I do not pity anyone for making that choice. If that be your conscious choice do not cry “victim”, because you are not any species of victim. Victims, in the sense in which I’m referring to, make their beds and refuse to lie in it; they always have a “scapegoat” (someone or something to blame).

Solely, the blame rests firmly on our own shoulders because the ABDICATION of our own personal responsibility to progress is now our burden. Scapegoats become illusions once we become aware that we were raised and conditioned to abdicate our rightful thrones. Once we become aware of that fact and we begin to understand that knowledge, we can not forget it and de-understand it.

As each of us comes to understand that something is "off" in the world, it becomes apparent that NOW is “the” pivotal time in which to initiate and complete a journey of transformation. It has become obvious that there is not a moment we can afford to waste in the final hours of this episode. If we are to end this chapter in the history of planetary manipulation, those who have chosen to mock the creator’s plan must not write it. We cannot leave this change in the hands of others; it is too great a responsibility to be left to a few brave souls. We must make our contribution in order to be assured that it shall be accomplished and that we are included in the multitude that make this a reality.

To accomplish this, we must first open our eyes and see what is happening all around us. Then, we must come to the unpleasant understanding that we have allowed this to occur because overwhelming methodologies of deception influenced us and we resisted becoming involved through taking any personal responsibility in changing it.

We have been aware that something sinister has been present but, in all honesty, we lacked the courage to look at what it might be because of the implications of what it could involve personally. The magnitude of the implication of what the planners of this situation are capable of doing to our personal future (and that of family and friends) has allowed our desire to know to overwhelm our reluctance. This then leads to the necessity of considering the larger implications for the planet and its inhabitants as a whole.

This process has brought us to the point of looking directly into the face of truth. Unfortunately, it is not some religious or esoteric concept that is the “truth that will set us free” but what has been our desire to avoid at all costs. What we must understand is that this truth is about a situation that could end our earthly experience in extremely unpleasant circumstances, and places our eternal existence in jeopardy. The stakes are extremely high and the circumstances are dire!

This is not a time to hide in our usual excuse of “what can one person do?” A large number of “one persons” can accomplish a great deal and remaining to be "cannon fodder” is not the solution. It is required that we become a much more subtle influence.

Learn one truth now. Subtle energy is powerful and the most powerful energy is subtle. The bible says, “In the beginning was the word” but words are merely thoughts spoken out loud; therefore a more accurate translation would say, "In the beginning was thought"! That is the subtle energy that we are to employ. We simply change the focus of our thoughts. We mustn't allow ourselves to dwell upon the horrors of what is planned for us, but instead turn our thoughts to what it is that we would prefer to experience and begin now.

We are trained by their methodologies of deception to think only about the programmed thoughts of acquiring things, the opinions of others, self preservation among thieves and murderers, and escape from self directed thoughts of loathing through addiction to TV, movies and Soul jarring music. Oh, and the pursuit of sexual encounters, be it in or out of monogamous relationships.

There is also the mind- boggling profusion of religious entities further leading us away from the personal quest of understanding the connection to the source of our presence on this planet in the first place; and it's a safe assumption to state that Jesus, Buddha and Mohammed had nothing to do with it. It is not that these beings did not exist, nor that they weren't here to attempt to give us guidance in getting through this dilemma, but the messages they brought were distorted long ago. Neither did they come here to “get us out, rescue, or save us” by our belief in their existence, past or present. They came to teach us that we must get ourselves through this by accepting or taking personal responsibility and creating through thought a new planetary experience. In this way only, will we be able to move through this painful experience.

We may accept this responsibility by making a personal commitment between ourselves and the creative energy that focused us through thought into this existence. We'll know how to participate in creating what will replace this living nightmare with a new experience! How? We search for it through our desire to know and participation in its creation. Then through seemingly miraculous coincidence or "synchronicity", how to participate shall become known. The critical point of the process is in making the commitment within our own awareness that the most important thing is participating in the creation of an experience that is 180 degrees opposite to what is now planned to be our final earthly sojourn.

The evidence of the necessity to do this surrounds us in irrefutable profusion. We need only to open our eyes (see), consider the changes in our personal freedoms that are happening in quick succession and listen to (hear) the researched evidence in both spoken and written presentations on the internet and in books. Very soon those will no longer be available to us, leaving only word of mouth, so it is imperative that we respond to this information immediately.

We are encouraged to react only through our change of attitude and in our commitment to become a part of this subtly powerful movement. There will not be an Armageddon as suggested in their version of our bible. It shall be a replacement of their planned world through shifting the focus of the awareness of mankind toward that which is desired rather than that which is being forced upon us. It shall be individual INNER change that shall conquer the OUTER forces that plan to control our very essence of self-awareness. Upon the acceptance of this clarion call of individual responsibility lies the future of our survival and the experiences that wait for us within eternity.

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hiccanna-tidbits · 3 years ago

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The RotBTD+ Gang Plays DnD! (Feat. my ships, sorry not sorry XD)

So highkey I’ve actually been wanting to do a “The Gang Plays DnD” type post for AGES now, but then I saw @hobie-brown and @ohlooksheswriting-wips do DnD AU posts for RotBTD, and then I was like “Ah shit, I really should finish mine, eh?” So thank you to both of you for inspiring me to get off my ass and actually write the post!!!

Hiccup DMs. He comes up with this super complex plot revolving around dragons (because of course) where the party has to dismantle this society ruled by evil knights who want to genocide all of the dragons. Imagine his chagrin when the party wants to do nothing but fuck around in towns and aggravate NPCs 90% of the time.

They usually end up playing at Jack’s apartment, mainly because Hiccup’s dad doesn’t really want a bunch of loud nerds yelling about 20-sided dice in his household while he’s trying to work, if he can at all help it. Jack’s sister regularly barges into their living room and roasts the fuck out of Jack and his friends for being such damn nerds and eats all of their DnD snacks they’ve set out. If they’re in the middle of a combat session, she always gleefully proclaims that they’re all going to die. While Jack is annoyed by this, the rest of the party finds it deeply hilarious.

Jack Overland plays the absolute mayhem warlock Jack Frost, who got his powers through making a deal with the archfey Prince of Frost and has absolutely no qualms about being an evil god’s mortal Sower of Chaos. He spends the vast majority of the campaign doing such useful things as creating ice slicks under annoying NPCs and freezing people’s drinks. He also plays a Tiefling because absolutely no one can talk this boy out of playing the creepy demon race.

Rapunzel plays a woodland nymph druid who is also the party healer (because of course she is). Her name is probably Sunlily or something else suitably hippie-esque. Whenever there’s downtime (or whenever the rest of the party is also dicking around, and she can get away with it), Rapunzel likes to go into the nearest forest and pick the best berries and nuts for the rest of the party. She also loves baking fruit pies and cooking the best nymph food for her companions when given the chance. Definitely the party Cinnamon Roll (every party has one!). She often will turn into cute animals to distract the guards while the party infiltrates a building.

Merida’s character is the party archer and general ranged weapon master, as well as a raging lesbian. Hiccup learns very quickly that any male NPC who tries to flirt with her will very quickly get impaled with an arrow. She can’t ever decide if she wants to be a ranger or a rogue, so she multiclasses in both for flare. She also plays a Tiefling, and continually insists that her character is both scarier and sexier than Jack’s. In combat, she either Leeroy Jenkins her way in with a sword and just starts slashing every which way, or just shoots 90% of the enemies with arrows before the fight even starts. There’s really no in between. She can get away with this because she’s highkey one of the party tanks, and consistently deals a shitton of damage.

Anna plays a human bard, basically having read over the class options and going “Wait, in this one I get to make stylish medieval music??? And wear dramatic and garish outfits and a dumb hat??? And cast wacky illusion spells??? And do silly little magic tricks??? And INSPIRE EVERYONE??? Hell yeah, I’m in!!!” She mostly uses magic attacks in combat (definitely favors Tasha’s Hideous Laughter), but occasionally when she’s out of spell slots she’ll just take to slamming enemies in the face with her lute. She also has WAY too much fun with Vicious Mockery, let’s be real.

Elsa, upon hearing Jack’s character concept, rolls her eyes so far up in her head she can see her damn brain, and vows to play his concept, but serious–solely out of spite. She rolls up a super OP elf Chaos Sorcerer, filled with lots of brooding angst about how uncontrollable her winter powers can get if she isn’t careful. She combines it a bit with Storm Sorcerer so she can create literal blizzards, and Hiccup ends up allowing it just because he thinks it’s cool. Although Elsa’s character is undoubtedly aggravated by the rest of the party’s antics, she starts becoming grudgingly protective of these idiots and can deal some pretty crazy damage when her companions are threatened. She also contains one of the party’s only brain cells.

Eugene of course plays dashing rogue master thief Flynn Rider. Although his high deception and lockpicking skills certainly come in handy, he’s the most chaotic neutral fucker you’ve ever met and will take any excuse to rob NPCs blind or cheat them out of every cent they have in a tavern card game. It’s nigh impossible to get him to cooperate with the rest of the party much of the time, and often Elsa’s character has to either bribe him with some of her family’s gold or threaten to freeze him to stop him backstabbing one or more party members. Eugene’s character forces Hiccup to add in many more heist plotlines than he originally intended. This delights Eugene immensely, and sometimes he goes a bit crazy planning elaborate heists.

Moana plays a sorcerer water genasi. She can control any body of water, but she has a special affinity for controlling saltwater (i.e. the ocean lol). She also requests an animal handling bonus, but only with marine animals, solely because she thought it would be funny. She’s also an ex-pirate who robbed a lot of wealthy merchant ships and freed their slaves back in the day, which Merida thinks is incredibly badass. Moana tends to get bored and unengaged when there are no bodies of water to play around with, so Hiccup ends up having to add a lot more lakes, rivers, and oceans to the campaign than he originally planned on. Moana also takes a sailing skill, and thus the party often ends up traveling by boat. Typically Eugene and Rapunzel will infiltrate and hijack it, and Moana will sail it. Moana probably contains the party’s only other brain cell.

Astrid plays a gigantic berserker orc barbarian who is never without his trusty axe. Astrid is hands down the party’s top tank, and unquestionably deals the most damage every combat session. Much like Merida’s character, Astrid’s character is absolutely a shameless power fantasy. Hiccup pretty easily picks up on this, but is too polite to say anything about it. Jack also picks up on this, but is hardly as courteous as their DM, and teases Astrid mercilessly. Astrid is not amused.

Rapunzel requests that her weapon of choice be a frying pan, her justification being that her character found a discarded one at the edge of a human village outside her woods and mistaked it for a highly-dangerous human weapon. Hiccup is like “…you know what? Fuck it” and rolls up stats for a goddamn frying pan. Jack has nigh-endless admiration for Rapunzel for choosing such a goddamn memey, absurd, yet oddly effective weapon and it definitely makes the poor boy even more smitten with her than he already is.

Eugene and Merida have a bet going on who can sleep with more sexy barmaids. Merida is currently winning, much to Eugene’s chagrin. She’s not even inherently better at seducing NPCs, she and Eugene have the same charisma stat–she just consistently rolls better than Eugene. Eugene is incredibly salty about this.

Anna and Elsa want to be sisters in-game as well, but neither want to change their race–so Anna decides her character was adopted. Hiccup and the rest of the party go along with it, mainly because there’s something deeply hilarious about a regular human bard being adopted and raised by a family of high-powered elf ice mages.

Astrid is absolutely the sort of player who tends to get bored and restless outside of fights, and tends to fidget and twiddle her thumbs waiting for the next combat session. Jack picks up on this, and purposely does more roleplay for longer just to piss her off. He’s also just a very dramatic fucker and highkey loves roleplay.

When she’s not causing mayhem around the town or sleeping with hot women, Merida tries to entertain Astrid between combat sessions by offering to spar with her. Unfortunately, this does not usually end well for poor Merida, as even the most hardcore and badass of tieflings is prone to getting dumpstered by an 8-foot-tall barbarian orc with an axe. Astrid is, nonetheless, grateful to have someone to fight.

Rapunzel, Elsa, and Moana will humor Hiccup and attempt to actually play the main plot. Meanwhile, Jack, Merida, and Eugene are a DM’s worst nightmare. They constantly derail the damn campaign to fuck around, cause mayhem, and do inane shenanigans in every. Damn. Town. They go to. Anna is kind of a wildcard–she’ll typically go with whatever group looks like they’re going to be doing something more interesting. Astrid will go along with whichever group is more likely to get into a fight–which, often as not, is Jack and his posse of terrible Chaotic Neutrals (who have definitely pissed off a number of NPCs into attacking them).

As the campaign goes on, Elsa and Eugene become the beleaguered Party Mom and Dad. Both are quite aggravated by this–especially poor Eugene, who just wanted to play a morally-gray charming rogue who stole everything and got away with it and then accidentally ended up caring about these idiots he got stuck with.

Anna initially joins the campaign because she has a planet-size crush on Hiccup, and inevitably is the one who dragged Elsa into it too. Being the hopeless romantic that she is, Anna writes a love interest into her backstory. Hiccup eventually has the party run into said love interest, and Anna is overjoyed. He starts flirting with her as the love interest, and it’s easily the best 30 minutes of Anna’s life.

Moana and Elsa also give Hiccup pretty detailed backstories, and he works in little subplots for them. Moana gets to bring water back to a dying part of the jungle in the middle of a draught, while Elsa gets to go on a whole sidequest to explore her family history and how they came to be sorcerers.

Jack, Merida, and Eugene also give Hiccup fairly elaborate backstories, but Jack’s and Merida’s are like 99% memes and Dumb Shit. Hiccup tries to give all of them backstory-related plot hooks, but inevitably any hooks he provides are either stabbed, robbed, or frozen. Honestly any plot hook offered to these 3 will be all but spat in the face of and tossed off a cliff.

The one relevant part of Eugene’s backstory is that he and Rapunzel decide they used to be partners in crime before the campaign started. Rapunzel would infiltrate and scout out places he wanted to rob as small, unobtrusive animals (her preferred Wild Shape is a chameleon) and later distract the guards as a bunny or kitten while he went in and took every gold coin in sight. In return, Flynn Rider would bribe builders to not develop into Sunlily’s forest. Rapunzel and Eugene partly came up with this For Funsies, but also it was Rapunzel’s sneaky way of tricking Eugene into having prior connections in the party so he’d be less likely to betray them. It works pretty well–although the entire party is protective of Cinnamon Roll Sunlily, Flynn is certainly especially protective of her.

Astrid does the absolute bare minimum as far as backstories go. She is literally just here to smash stuff, slice people, and beat some fuckers up.

Rapunzel has a backstory, but she’s typically so invested in the main plot and the other party members that Hiccup rarely needs to bring it in to keep her engaged. She’s highkey the party emotional rock, and probably the only one keeping them all together.

On that note, Rapunzel’s character is the ONLY one who can get Jack’s character to take the plot even REMOTELY seriously. Like he’ll be dicking around in the nearest tavern challenging the nearest orc to a drinking game, and Rapunzel will come in and ask him to help them on a Main Plot Quest. And he’ll be like “come onnnnn I’m having funnn” and she’ll be like “Jack pleeeeeease?” and you just. Can’t resist Sunlily’s puppy dog eyes. At all. Also, whenever Sunlily is genuinely threatened, any silliness immediately goes out the window and Jack Frost is OUT FOR BLOOD.

For better or for worse, Rapunzel is not immune to being looped into Jack’s shenanigans. Occasionally if either Merida or Eugene have a particularly hare-brained scheme she’ll go along with it, but by and large Jack is the most successful in convincing her to temporarily abandon the plot and cause mild mischief with him. They once wasted half a session creating an elaborate “ice theme park” for some squirrels in the forest.

Hiccup tries to get Merida to play the main plot by eventually having there be no more sexy female NPCs to seduce in the towns they go to. Unfortunately, this backfires–Merida just hooks up with Moana’s character instead. When asked to roll for how good the lay is, Merida gets a nat 20–and thus her character and Moana’s character end up hooking up regularly throughout the rest of the campaign.

Hiccup introduces a few Wise Old Mentor-type NPCs to guide the party throughout the campaign. While Rapunzel, Elsa, Moana, and Anna actually try to listen to them and take their advice, Merida, Jack, and Eugene absolutely refuse to take them seriously and mercilessly play pranks on them.

At one point, Hiccup gives the party the option to attempt to tame a group of wild dragons and use them as mounts. They all have to make animal handling checks. Anna, Rapunzel, Elsa, and Moana pass. The rest of the party fails, with Jack and Eugene crit-failing. Hilarity ensues.

Hiccup ends up bringing back Anna’s backstory love interest as an NPC regular. Anna thinks he’s just being a good friend and a good DM and trying to incorporate her backstory as much as he can, but really, he just wants an excuse to regularly flirt with her. He hardly has the balls to out-of-game.

Merida comes out as gay toward the end of the campaign. Everyone in the group is extremely supportive, of course, but everyone is also like “Merida…with the amount of barmaids you’ve banged…and the amount of times you and Moana’s character hooked up…this isn’t exactly surprising.”

Hiccup actually finds a way to use Jack and Elsa’s same-concept-opposite-execution characters to the plot’s advantage. He decides one of the main villains will have a prophecy saying he’ll be taken down by a powerful ice mage. The party manages to fool this guy into thinking this ice mage is Jack, and sends Jack to fight him. As soon as the villain sees Jack, he’s like “WHAT??? THIS clown???” (word has absolutely spread throughout the land of Jack not using his ice powers for anything besides mildly annoying trolling). Naturally, the bad guy lets his guard down after thinking he’s going to fight this literal joke, and then Elsa crashes in from the side and absolutely dumpsters him.

Jack tries to defeat the final boss by just annoying him so much that he leaves. Unfortunately, he just annoys him so much that he attacks Rapunzel’s character. Jack’s just like “oh HELL no” and attacks with absolutely nothing held back. Turns out he’s pretty terrifying when he’s not using his magic for Dumb Antics.

During the final boss of the campaign, the Big Bad tries to one-shot Moana’s character, and Merida’s character super theatrically jumps in front of her to take the blow instead. Rapunzel just barely manages to heal Merida’s character, but it’s a really close call. During all this, Merida is like “ah shit...maybe I’m NOT just in this to get fantasy-laid.” After the fight’s over, her and Moana’s characters have a big dramatic love confession and share a Big Damn Kiss in front of everyone. It’s pretty epic.

After the final session of the campaign, Merida drags Moana outside Jack’s apartment and sputters and trips over her words for a solid minute before she finally gets out that through all this nonsense...well...maybe it’s not just in the game that she thinks Moana is hot. Moana just gets this HUGE grin on her face and says “c’mere, Leeroy Jenkins” and just pulls Merida in and kisses her. Cue the rest of the party barging in on them. Merida and Moana freeze, and there’s a moment of terrified silence...and then the entire party starts cheering them on like “took you long enough!”

The entire rest of the party could detect the sexual tension. Literally all of them.

But Eugene is like “HA, THIS MEANS IF WE DO A SEQUEL CAMPAIGN I’M WINNING THAT BET! BECAUSE YOU’RE GONNA BE DATING MO’S CHAR AND THUS NOT ABLE TO SLEEP WITH ANY MORE BARMAIDS!”

By the epilogue session, Jack and Rapunzel are dating. Merida and Moana are also dating. Hiccup and Anna STILL haven’t figured out why they’re so prone to spending half the session flirting when Anna’s love interest shows up, and Hiccup STILL hasn’t figured out why he likes to have Anna’s love interest show up so often. Bless their souls. Maybe they’ll figure it out next campaign...?

Damn I actually really like this...maybe if people like it I’ll do some incorrect quotes or a drabble or something??? Or maybe some HCs from next campaign???

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luthienne · 4 years ago

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Hi dear, do you have any good words on emotional courage?

hi my love, you can check out this post and this post; here are a few more:

“I know a lot about pain… and I know it is bad for people, eats away the spirit, but how about courage, what is it for if not to use when needed?”

Martha Gellhorn, Selected Letters

“This is in the end the only kind of courage that is required of us: the courage to face the strangest, most unusual, most inexplicable experiences that can meet us.”

Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

“You don’t realize it, perhaps, but you are turning these delusions and illusions of the past into criminal things. Relinquish everything. Stay in bed until you feel so shock full of energy, hope, courage that you bounce out of abed. You can only aid the world–if you still believe the world needs our individual aid–by retaining your faith in life. Your body may be weak, but I know you still have wings.”

Henry Miller, A Literate Passion: Letters of Anaïs Nin and Henry Miller

“I… want to inherit the witch in my women ancestors—the willfulness, the passion, ay, the passion where all good art comes from as women, the perseverance, the survivor skills, the courage, the strength of las mujeres bravas, peleoneras, necias, berrrinchudas. I want to be una brava, una peleonera, necia, nerrinchuda. I want to be bad if bad means I must go against society—el Papá, el Pápa, the boyfriend, lover, husband, girlfriend, comadres—and listen to my own heart, that incredible witch’s broom that will take me where I need to go.”

Sandra Cisneros, A House of My Own

“I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.”

Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

“Many people seem to think it foolish, even superstitious, to believe that the world could still change for the better. And it is true that in winter it is sometimes so bitingly cold that one is tempted to say, ‘What do I care if there is a summer; its warmth is no help to me now.’ Yes, evil often seems to surpass good. But then, in spite of us, and without our permission, there comes at last an end to the bitter frosts. One morning the wind turns, and there is a thaw. And so I must still have hope.”

Vincent van Gogh, The Letters of Vincent van Gogh

“In the winter I am writing about, there was much darkness. Darkness of nature, darkness of event, darkness of the spirit. The sprawling darkness of not knowing. We speak of the light of reason. I would speak here of the darkness of the world, and the light of———. But I don’t know what to call it. Maybe hope. Maybe faith, but not a shaped faith—only, say, a gesture, or a continuum of gestures. But probably it is closer to hope, that is more active, and far messier than faith must be. Faith, as I imagine it, is tensile, and cool, and has no need of words. Hope, I know is a fighter and a screamer.”

Mary Oliver, Winter Hours: Prose, Poems, and Prose Poems

“There is always some miracle left; and though miracles do not happen, they might happen. Who knows? Perhaps our intelligence, our instinct, our senses, in spite of their daylight clearness, are leading us astray. Perhaps the one thing needful is just that unreasoning courage which follows hope’s will-o’-the-wisp as it burns…”

Jens Peter Jacobsen, Niels Lyhne

“But if the deepest loss, […] / can be, not just survived, but made into the matter / of hope, made into song, not into a hatchet / to cut off the offending parts, made into poems / then blessed be the end of things, the loss of whatever / secures us blindly and mutely to our lives.”

Julia Alvarez, The Other Side/El Otro Lado

“I run / stumbling, expectant. / Impatience is hopelessly / desperate. Hope / takes time.”

Marie Ponsot, Springing: New and Selected Poems

“How lightly we learn to hold hope, / as if it were an animal that could turn around / and bite your hand. And still we carry it / the way a mother would, carefully, / from one day to the next.”

Danusha Laméris, The Moons of August

“Do not get lost in a sea of despair. Be hopeful, be optimistic. Our struggle is not the struggle of a day, a week, a month, or a year, it is the struggle of a lifetime. Never, ever be afraid to make some noise and get in good trouble, necessary trouble.”

Representative John Lewis

“Where does such a force come from? What does it mean? A voice very faint, and inside me, offers a possibility: how shall there be redemption and resurrection unless there has been a great sorrow? And isn’t struggle and rising the real work of our lives?”

Mary Oliver, Winter Hours: Prose, Poems, and Prose Poems

“Don’t forget that apparent impossibility of something is the first sign of its naturalness—in a different world, obviously.

Marina Tsvetaeva, from a letter to Anatoly Steiger

“Grieve. Have / hope.”

Jorie Graham, Swarm

John Berryman, “The Heart is Strange”

“Skin had hope, that what’s skin does. / Heals over the scarred place, makes a road.”

Naomi Shihab Nye, “Two Countries”

“I am quite troubled in the depths of my soul. But that will pass,”

George Sand, in a letter to Gustave Flaubert

“Let’s dance a little before we go home to hell.”

Muriel Rukeyser, A Muriel Rukeyser Reader

Hélène Cixous, Hyperdream (tr. Beverly Bie Brahic)

“That most moments were substantially the same did not detract at all from the possibility that the next moment might be utterly different.”

Marilynne Robinson, Housekeeping

Ada Limón, “Dead Stars”

“Listen, everyone has a chance. Is it spring, is it morning? Are there trees near you, and does your own soul need comforting? Quick, then — open the door and fly on your heavy feet…”

Mary Oliver, New and Selected Poems

“Get to the bottom of this intensity and have faith in what is most horrible, instead of fighting it off—it reveals itself for those who can trust it, in spite of its overwhelming and dire appearance, as a kind of initiation. By way of loss, by way of such vast and immeasurable experiences of loss, we are quite powerfully introduced to the whole.”

Rainer Maria Rilke, from a letter to Countess Alexandrine Schwerin, June 16, 1922

“…only one thing is urgently needed: to attach oneself with unconditional purpose somewhere to nature, to what is strong, striving and bright, and to move forward without guile, even if that means in the least important, daily matters. Each time we tackle something with joy, each time we open our eyes toward a yet untouched distance we transform not only this and the next moment, but we also rearrange and gradually assimilate the past inside of us.”

Rainer Maria Rilke, from a letter to Adelheid von der Marwitz, September 11, 1919

“Continue to believe that with your feeling and with your work you take part in what is the greatest. The more strongly you cultivate this belief inside of you, the more it will give rise to reality and world.”

Rainer Maria Rilke, from a letter to Elisabeth Freiin Schenk zu Schweinsberg, September 23, 1908

“…I have known with certainty that the worst things, and even despair, are only a kind of abundance and an onslaught of existence that one decision of the heart could turn into its opposite. Where things become truly difficult and unbearable, we find ourselves in a place already very close to its transformation.”

Rainer Maria Rilke, from a letter to Anita Forrer, February 14, 1920

“…he says, it will be all right.

“It is not the saying of an oracle or a prophet. They are words you might speak to a child ... and somehow I am comforted. He does not mean that it does not hurt. He does not mean that we are not frightened. Only that: we are here. This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive.”

Madeline Miller, Circe

“Right then she knows herself even less than she knows the sea. Her courage comes from not knowing herself, but going ahead nevertheless. Not knowing yourself is inevitable, and not knowing yourself demands courage.

Clarice Lispector, Complete Stories; “The Waters of the World”

“Recovery (which includes return and renewal of health) is a re-gaining—regaining of a clear view. I do not say “seeing things as they are” and involve myself with the philosophers, though I might venture to say “seeing things as we are (or were) meant to see them”—as things apart from ourselves. We need, in any case, to clean our windows; so that the things seen clearly may be freed from the drab blur of triteness or familiarity—from possessiveness. Of all faces those of our familiares are the ones both most difficult to play fantastic tricks with, and most difficult really to see with fresh attention, perceiving their likeness and unlikeness: that they are faces, and yet unique faces.”

J.R.R. Tolkien, from his essay On Fairy-Stories

Camille Norton, Corruption: Poems

“Keep busy with survival. Imitate the trees. Learn to lose in order to recover, and remember that nothing stays the same for long, not even pain, psychic pain. Sit it out. Let it all pass. Let it go.”

May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude

“I have the fervour of myself for a presence / and my own spirit for light; / and my spirit with its loss / knows this; though small against the black, / small against the formless rocks, / hell must break before I am lost;”

H.D. from Collected Poems; “Eurydice”

Denise Levertov, “Epilogue”

“The days go numb, the wind / sucks the world from your senses like withered leaves. // Through the empty branches the sky remains. / It is what you have. / Be earth now, and evensong. / Be the ground lying under that sky. / Be modest now, like a thing / ripened until it is real…”

Rainer Maria Rilke, from Rilke’s Book of Hours (tr. Anita Barrows, Joanna Macy)

“I know your sorrow and I know that for the likes of us there is not ease for the heart to be had from words of reason and that in the very assurance of sorrow’s fading there is more sorrow. So I offer you only my deeply affectionate and compassionate thoughts and wish for you only that the strange thing may never fail you, whatever it is, that gives us the strength to live on and on with our wounds.”

Samuel Beckett’s words of consolation to his friend, Alan Schneider

“What matters is not to allow my whole life to be dominated by what is going on inside me. That has to be kept subordinate one way or another. What I mean is: one must not let oneself be completely disabled by just one thing, however bad; don’t let it impede the great stream of life that flows through you. I have the feeling of something secret deep inside me that no one knows about.”

Etty Hillesum, from a diary entry featured in An Interrupted Life

“You have been told that, even like a chain, you are as weak as your weakest link. / This is but half the truth. You are also as strong as your strongest link. / To measure you by your smallest deed is to reckon the power of the ocean by the frailty of its foam. / To judge you by your failures is to cast blame upon the seasons for their inconstancy.”

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

“Try to keep what is beautiful to you and what you can use for today and now — You must not let things you cannot help destroy you —”

Georgia O’Keeffe, from Georgia O’Keeffe: Art and Letters

“What we love, shapely and pure, / is not to be held, / but to be believed in.”

Mary Oliver, from Evidence; “Swans”

“In time of the crises of the spirit, we are aware of all our need, our need for each other and our need for ourselves. We call up, with all the strength of summoning we have, our fullness. And then we turn; for it is a turning that we have prepared; and act. The time of turning may be very long. It may hardly exist.”

Muriel Rukeyser, from A Muriel Rukeyser Reader, “The Life of Poetry”

“To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places—and there are so many—where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.”

Howard Zinn, A Power Governments Cannot Suppress

“But don’t lose heart, dear ones—don’t lose heart. Don’t let it make you bitter. Try to understand. Try to understand. The world’s already bitter enough, we got to try to be better than the world.”

James Baldwin, from Another Country

“You do not have to be good. / You do not have to walk on your knees / for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. / You only have to let the soft animal of your body / love what it loves. / Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. / Meanwhile, the world goes on.”

Mary Oliver, “Wild Geese”

#ask #anon #quote compilation #emotional courage #words #lit #poetry #long post #of hope to bite on like a bullet #yeah ok i have no chill #also no explanation for how my brain works and ties all of these together #compilation

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sunmaylight · 4 years ago

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TGCF Book 3 Reaction pt. 6 - We are going to Mt. Tonglu!

hahaha. So, funny thing. I got impatient and just breezed though the last two books and consumed all of the post-canon content I could find. But, even though I have finished TGCF, that doesn’t mean I didn’t leave notes that I want in big chunks like this. So I will continue working on this

Even though I read the novel, I will stay true to my notes to the best of my abilities.

Ch 138: Xie Lian remembering that he threw his meatballs like bullets without any spiritual strength, like how he went about the past 800 years

- Me: Why do people not realize that Xie Lian is buff. Buff Xie Lian art, where?

Qi Rong turns out to be a better chef than Xie Lian. Like possible House Husband material

- Me: Yo. WTF. I call hack! How did- *remembering Qi Rong’s backstory*... Okay, but how did he learn and hone his skills?

Heaven’s Eye cultivator group about to chow down on some hair when Xie Lian steps in with the pebble toss

- Me: Xie Lian saving cultivators from committing c*nn*bal*sm

Ch 139: Hua Cheng builds a little golden palace outside and then kicks it. The shady inn illusion crashes as well.

- Me: Can this get animated?

Feng Xin mentioning of an ascension acceleration method with dead babies

- Me: Wait! What if Feng Xin’s ascension is the suspicious one instead of Mu Qing

Ch 140: Xie Lian finds Guzi to be sick and dehydrated.

Mama Bear Xie Lian - Awaken

- Me: Oh shit. Xie Lian is pissed at his cousin.

Ch 141: Learning about who the father to the fetus spirit is. Learning that the fetus spirit is named Cuo Cuo. Secrets around Cuo Cuo’s birth abundant

- Me: WAIT! HE HAD S*X WITH LAN CHANG. HE F*KED?!

Xie Lian reassuring Hua Cheng, but Hua Cheng turning it around to saying that his actions are up to him. Xie Lian feels something.

Xie Lian and Hua Cheng had a moment when suddenly they see someone sitting at the table making tea

- Me: No! Is it Jun Wu?

Jun Wu is pouring three cups of tea

- Me: He saw the intimate scene between the two

Red flower that slips on the edge of the flower pot is about to fall when Xie Lian caught it like it’s the most precious thing in the world

- Me: Foreshadowing???

Xie Lian basically saying that Heaven will fall if the Heavenly Emperor is dead. Xie Lian basically saying that Heaven is floating in the sky because of the Heavenly Emperor

- Me: Man, I really hope that the Heavenly Emperor doesn’t die and make Heaven crash onto the ground, only to be upheld by the power of Xie Lian and then create a parallel of that scene in book 2, or Atlus holding up the world.

Ch 143: Heaven and the Ghost Kings have a mutual beneficial relationship

Hua Cheng using this fact to exploit Heaven singing him praises for a year.

- Me: Cunning bastard. I would have asked for praises sung to me and Xie Lian if I was in his shoes

Mt. Tonglu has the Klin and both places is that one poisonous jar where the last poisonous creature that is alive after x amount of time is emerged as the victor.

- Me: Battle Royale to the death.

Xie Lian sneaks with Ghost as a Puppet Master

- Me: Oh, nice disguise

Swift Life-Extinguishing Blade says he can find if a ghost is suspicious

- Me: Okay, but what if you are the suspicious one?

Xie Lian crouches down to hid behind the 8-12 year old looking Hua Cheng

Hua Cheng as the “Puppet Master” disguise: “No one shall touch what I love except for me”

- Me: Impressive acting there

There is a cloaked figure that Hua Cheng says they are wearing a fake face

- Me: Is it Pei Ming?

Swift Life-Extinguishing Blade dies from one slash. Xie Lian making an observation that sounds like a joke

- Me: lol

Ch 14-Mt. Tonglu gate

Some ghost ladies get hurt and the cloaked stranger immediately asks: “Are my ladies alright?”

- Me: I was right. It was Pei Ming

Pei Ming about to tease Hua Cheng when Ruoye whips out to hit Pei Ming

- Me: I don’t know if that was all Ruoye or influence from Mt. Tonglue, but go Ruoye.

Pei Ming’s mysterious candy he got to disguise his spiritual powers is revealed to be shady candy made form Ghost City. Consuming the candy is the equivalent to rubbing skunk spray all over yourself.

- lol

E-Ming has been affected like Hua Cheng. It is now a small sword

- me: Cute

Pei Ming can sense the atmosphere around Hua Cheng and Xie Lian

The Swift Life-Extinguishing Blade turns out to be alive still. Both halves are moving freely

- Me: It’s still alive. how?!

Pei Ming is revealed to be the “General Who Snapped His Sword”

- Me: *Four Tales of Heaven Background Understanding Update*

Wine: 100% Understanding & Truth of Creation

Flower Crown: 100 50% Understanding of Creation & History -Second Ascension & Third Ascension are Unknown-

Princess: 15% Understanding of Identity & History

Sword: 25% & Growing...Processing backstory now

A giant savage, dark skinned burly man in broken armour appears

- Me: Wait. Do I know this character?

It is revealed to be Ke-Mo

Xie Lian pulls a trick on Swift Life-Extinguishing Blade/Ming’Guang and Pei Ming saw it work. The trick was actually the most vile swear word of the Banyue kingdom that is the most disrespectful insult ever.

- Me: What did the army teach you Xie Lian?

Xie Lian calls out for Banyue & Pei Su knowing that they are not at Mt. Tonglu as a tactic to distract Ke Mo

- Me: lol. What if they actually come after Xie Lian called them.

When things start to look good, Xie Lian calls out on it. It is immediately changes into a bad thing

Tiny E-Ming grows with praises from Xie Lian.

Pei Ming does a big brain and smashes E-Ming’s hit to Xie Lian’s lips. E-Ming grows to a very long scimar

- Me: Pei Ming caught on what Xie Lian didn’t. Also E-Ming reflect’s Hua Cheng, so, affection makes E-Ming grow. Hua Cheng

As Ke Mo and Ming’Guang are abotu to beat Xie Lian and Pei Ming, Banyu and Pei Su do that badass entry of jumping down a cliff and kicking the opponents.

- Me: lol, Banyue and Pei Su actually appeared.

Banyue throws a scorpion-snake at Ke Mo fully knowing what she is doing and the 200 years of mutual dislike is behind it.

- Me: Ultimate betrayal.

Banyue: We came here with Rain Master

- Me: Wait. Rain Master is here?

Ch 148: Xie Lian thinks that if he does the same things he did to E-Ming to help him grow, it will help Hua Cheng grow

- Me: Awe. So cute.

Ke Mo vs. Banyue & Pei Su - Round 2: Banyue is too embarrassed to throw her snakes again at Ke Mo. Pei Su swoops in and yeets a basket full at Ke Mo who screams at them

- Me: For some reason I find this scene really funny.\

Xie Lian: Moves into kiss Hua Cheng. He kisses the forehead and is sad about it.

Pei Ming learns that Banyue is that Banyue while she backs away from Banyue as Pei Ming comes close to her

- Me: Oh wait. Does Pei Ming still smell of those Ghost Candies?

It is revealed that Banyue is weary of Pei Ming because of the candy scent

- Me: Lol, it was the candy

Rain Master is brought up

- Me: *random thought* Does Rain Master & Pei Ming have some history together?

Rain Master is at Mt. Tonglu because Qi Rong stole some of her farmers.

Pei Ming is revealed to be the opposing General of the Rain Master

- Me: Oh, they do have some history together.

Xie Lian & Readers learn about the ‘Tale of the General Who Snapped His Sword’

- Me: LORE!

Sword: 75% Understanding

Ch 149: Pei Ming insults Banyue for not knowing how to cook like other females

- Me: General Pei, I understand that in your time that might have been a norm. But modern times that is different.

Xie Lian says he will teach Banyue how to cook

- Me: Oh no. Someone please stop them.

Banyue is holding a pot of food

- Me: Oh shoit. Did Banyue?

Ch 150: Banyue’s chicken meal is a black mass of questionable origins

- Me: *sob* it’s over. Banyue is now added to the list. But at least she took up her cooking skills after her adopted dad.

Pei Su takes the dubious food and eats it after watching Hua Cheng try some.

- Me: RIP Pei Su

Hua Cheng telling Xie Lian about the history of Mt. Tonglu while Pei Su is dying in the background. Banyue’s cooking somehow turned into a spirit or eldrich horror

- Me: *sob* please. You two are so adorable together, but someone (Pei Su) is literally dying from food poisoning. You are like that one pool meme

Pei Ming has given up on Pei Su to hang with the oblivious couple

Xie Lian has heard of Wuyoung before from his past while training to Ascension.

- Me: Oh. Interesting.

Little Xie Lian learned how to recite the Ethic Sutras like nothing because he was a curious child about a forgotten kingdom and the Guoshi made him shut up through sutras.

- Guoshi, how are you real?

Xie Lian: Pei Su is talking weird. Is it because of the Scorpion-Snake?

Banyue: Pei Su has immunity from them

-Me: God you two are so oblivious.

Ch 151: What if Jun Wu is from Wuyoung? Nah. He has a 500 year difference from then.

- Me: *Remembers Qi Rong calling Jun Wu a faker and thinks there is some truth in those words* What if he became an immortal 500 years before his ascension and just loitered around for 500 years until he achieved ascension status.?

The group is Scooby-Doo investigation with Ace Attorney observation skills on the temples. of the Kingdom of Wuyoung to learn why it fell

- Me: intersting. I hope they find something interesting.

-----

Alright. Going to stop there cause the actual journey to the Klin starts and it is a long journey where there is actually more than what I commented on. Man, I just really picked and choose what to highlight while reading

#sunmay rambles #sunmay reads tgcf #sunmay reads tian guan cifu #sunmay reads hob #sunmay reads heaven official's blessing #tgcf #hob #tian guan ci fu #heaven official's blessing #tgcf spoiler #hob spoiler #book 3 spoiler #Mt. tonglu spoilers #RIP Pei Su #I hope you develop an iron stomach like Hua Cheng to eat Banyue's cooking

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awsugawara · 4 years ago

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bnha hcs with an artsy s/o [2/?]

part two of this series! i will continue with maybe 2 more sets of bnha characters, so if i don’t touch basis with one you really like, then don’t be afraid to send a request! i can also do pt. 2s or scenarios for these, if y’all want as well :)

note: your quirk will be the same all around, if implied you have one!

Quirk: AMBIENT ILLUSION - with a single touch of your hand or glance, you are able to make your opponent think that they’ve been taken to another “realm,” but in actuality their body movements mimic those in the illusion; it’s a quirk that can be used for good or for bad; your creativity isn’t limited, but the side effects are headaches, nausea, and sometimes insanity for a short period of time until your stamina runs out or unless someone knocks you out

Hero Name: Chiaroscuro or Chiasu [for short]- referring to the major contrast of light and dark in an image; in italian it is said to literally mean light-dark

enjoy :)

---

i. midoriya

> you both go way back to childhood years, but you moved away

> you two only reunited because you knew mirio and he told you about izuku

> “wait- does he have a broccoli like hair?”

> nevertheless, izuku was ecstatic to reunite with you and vise versa

> he noticed the subtle changes to your appearance, such as your choice of clothing

> you talked a lot about your newfound love for art and aesthetics, he found it cute

> he told you about all might and his new quirk becuz something seemed off about him

> being quirkless, you make the most of being kind to people all around the world and to those you meet

> that’s one of the qualities that izuku likes a lot about you

> he isn’t really there after moving to the dorms, so you try to make the effort to come see him and that’s how the rest of his friends met you

> he feels bad you’re always spending time alone, while he was training really hard

> as an artist, you do get insecure, so losing deku to his dream was kinda a harsh reality check and you needed to find another outlet

> you worked at a nearby art teacher at the night painting sessions and you loved it

> gaining better critiques and learning about different potential styles made you so much more confident

> when izu saw you after long grueling training for the provisional license exam, he saw you were glowing with confidence and he was convinced he was going to one day marry you

---

k. bakugo

> he keeps you a hidden secret from the rest of his nosy friends. PERIODT.

> katsu is kinda embarrassed to admit he has a BIG soft spot for your artsy self

> you work at an art store and one day kirishima and kaminari decided to grab some materials for an art project that aizawa assigned

> you happened to be there helping out a flirty kaminari and an enthusiastic kirishima

> he was just kinda there...staring at you and your cute HANDMADE grenade earrings

> “you good bakugo?” -kirishima asked when they left

> “tch whatever.”

> he was forced to go BACK THE NEXT DAY because he broke some of the markers when he was getting riled up

> he ACTUALLY made a compliment to your flame earrings that day and you wrote your number on the back of his receipt

> fast-forward, he takes the time to escape the dorms during the weekends to see you

> his mom LOVES you to DEATH

> she knows you’re the one and pesters baku about marrying you NOW

> neway, you’ve made cute little charms for your boom boom boi as good luck

> BONUS: you have matching charms that he keeps in a display case in his dorm room in his desk drawer

---

s. todoroki

> since he’s fairly quiet, he never really mentions you, except to his sister or izuku

> he collects the scrapbook pages you put together in a safe scrapbook

> for once, his dad is actually proud of his son’s gf and as he proclaims “his-future wife”

> your quirk is something that his dad practically fangirls about

> your family doesn’t really like the idea of quirk marriages just because they value trust and love

> shouto loves that and so he can be seen coming over often on the weekends

> he admires all the art pieces you draw in your sketchbook that you carry around for your quirk

> the more details you can memorize of a scene, the more the victim becomes more entranced

> he admires the fact that you like making art not only for your hero courses, but because you value making others happy with your gift

---

d. kaminari

> den asks himself how and why he ended up with such a cute and gifted girl

> you like making him small gifts and art pieces because it brightens his day

> but you attend seiai academy, which you extremely dread

> but when it comes down to it, you aren’t one to associate yourself with saiko intelli, just because she’s kind of in over herself with her fancy teas

> you spend a lot of time drawing and such that you never really socialize with the other girls

> you only attend seiai because you had gotten a recommendation from your old art teacher, and suddenly...you feel out of place

> all the girls in seiai seem to be snotty rich girls with nothing else better to do other than gossip and drink leaf juice

> denki tries to make you feel better after talking about his day and then asking about yours, which you respond to as “the same old lonely dorm room day”

> he feels really bad and tries to make you happy

> the day of the sports festival, he invited you to attend a week before since it was a really big deal coming from class 1-A

> you met his friends and eraserhead at the provisional license tournament, which you had finished pretty quickly, considering how you broke away from your peers and kinda just went for some unlucky chump

> eraserhead was impressed oop-

> anyway, when you saw their performance, you got literal chills and was pretty jealous of denki, you made some excuse to go home

> you ended up crying by yourself, but that crying sess ended when you found den at your dorm room, hugging the daylights out of you

> “i have a suggestion for you...how about you ditch these rich girls and come eat the rich with the rest of us at U.A.?”

---

f. tokoyami

> edgy boi + soft aesthetic s/o = b a l a n c e

> fumi isn’t one to outwardly express himself in the love dept, so how he ended up with you was simply being classmates

> being a transfer from shiketsu high school was probably the most nerve wrecking

> after everyone had gotten their provisional license, your dad came back from overseas and didn’t like that you weren’t at U.A., so...yea

> ANYWAY, fumi is soft edgy boi for you, and really admires your pieces

> he gives you ideas for some dark pieces that could help you spook more people

> fumi does little thoughtful things to help you through commission surges like bringing you flowers, snacks and dinner

> when you moved into the dorms, the rest of class 1-A had convinced you to let them into your room, which consisted of a lot of ORGANIZED art supplies and...PETS????

> apparently you had gotten permission from aizawa to bring some of your pets to the dorms, such as a cat, a puppy and a couple of birds

> “i couldn’t possibly come up with my pieces without having them”

> **cue cuteness overload**

> class 1-A didn’t pick up on your relationship with him and when they did, they were like......!!!!

> it was all thanks to your polaroid and printed photos of all your friends and some of your dates with fumi

---

e. kirishima

> you met during one of his patrols with fatgum and tamaki

> fatgum recognized you as you frequently came from seiai to visit, since fatgum was your relative

> kiri was curious about you since you go to seiai, an all girls academy

> fatgum had taken you along with his two interns to patrol and let me say kiri began simping after seeing you in action

> as a prep girl, you spend quite some time in the art room for your quirk

> having been prepared, it wasn’t any big deal to have you take down the bad guy within mere 15 minutes

> you were close with tamaki, but even closer with kiri

> at one point, you both started dating and you met his friends when you came from seiai to drop off some food you made for him

> “you go WHERE???” -denki

> lemme say that a lot of class 1-A was skeptical of you, but kiri convinced them that you meant no harm and was just visiting him

> “it’s okay, kiri! i’m sorry to intrude! i’ll be heading out now!”

> **cue dejected kiri for the rest of the week**

> his classmates felt bad seeing him in such a downer state, and apologized to him

> “nah, it’s okay...i was kinda hoping you guys would like her too and i’m sorry i’ve been down lately...so not manly.”

> but they learnt that kiri’s gf had been getting bullied for dating someone from U.A. and they had to go and make it worse

> “kirishima?” -mina

> “oh hey, what’s up?”

> “how’s s/o?” -denki

> “do you think that s/o would want to come to U.A.?” -midoriya blurted out

> mission: get s/o to attend U.A.

---

SORRY SOME OF THESE ARE LONG! I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF AOAFNOANF

#bnha x reader #mha x reader #midoriya x reader #bakugo x reader #kirishima x reader #tokoyami x reader #todoroki x reader #kaminari x reader #bnha headcannons #mha headcannons

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thatfilthyanimal · 4 years ago

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I really don't want to vent here but I also don't want to overload my friends so I'm just going to do it and suck it up, fuck it.

I feel pretty fucking horrible in a very deep way and I don't know how to talk to people about it. This started up around the beginning of April and I thought it was in relation to April just being generally rough on me because of how my dad died, but it hasn't let up yet. If anything, I feel worse. Way worse.

I'm guessing I need to raise the dosage of my medication and I'm actually really heartbroken about that in a way I don't know how to describe. How am I supposed to feel if shit is so horrible I have to take the highest possible dosage I can safely take of a medication? How am I supposed to feel calling up a psychiatrist I just told two months ago my dosage was stable and I was feeling great, to tell her "ha ha ha I high key hate life and want to die again, please, raise my shit so I can hold up the illusion that I'm not a fucking lost cause a little longer?"

So... some of the only stuff I'm really comfortable touching on here is the whole transphobia at the doctors, thing. After spending most of 2020 living at doctors because of unknown stomach pain and just trying not to fucking die from something during a global pandemic I'm at a loss now. Nobody ever figured out my pain issues, I've just changed around what I eat and it seems better... Sort of? But mostly my existence in general hurts because coming out as trans to my newer doctors has been... uncomfortable. Now it feels like every time they "ma'am" me or pointedly call me "a woman" or "female" in a phone call (where I'm specifically asking for help regarding getting on testosterone) I want to claw myself out of my own skin and bury myself deep in the ground where nobody ever has to see me again.

Literally all the shit that I was terrified of that kept me from admitting to myself I was trans this entire time is fucking real and-- I'm weak, I'm fucking weak and scared and tired because I've never needed so much help with something so desperately in my life and the ONE PLACE I should be able to get help from I'm... terrified of, now. I just want to cancel all my future appointments and just never leave my house again because what is the fucking point. I'll never look right and I'll never be taken seriously and my weight is always an issue some-fucking-how regardless of the actual problem, so just. Fuck. Why leave. Why go anywhere. Why try to take care of myself anymore just. why.

I knew this would happen if I came out, I knew admitting I was trans would be a challenge of my ability to continue to love myself and... you know, I do, I do love myself, and coming out has proven that more than anything, but the cost of that almost feels like it outweighs the euphoria of being myself.

But now I'm in that weird middle-state of my body and voice not "matching" my gender and nobody taking said gender seriously and. What do I do. I'm so terrified of this happening at another doctor's office that it hurts to try to reach out. Literally the nearest doctors that might help me are an hour and a half out in Chicagoland, if not Chicago proper. And things feel so uncomfortable here where I am that I may literally need to drive that hour and a half just for basic health care, not just the hormone therapy and. Like. It hurts.

If I had figured this out sooner while I was in Champaign, there was an endocrinologist there and the city was super LGBTQIA+ friendly and I'm kicking myself for not doing something before I moved three hours away. Getting help could have been maybe a 15 minute drive in my own city instead of an hour and a half into the heart of Chicago, which, btw, I fucking hate driving in because everyone out there drives like a crazy asshole.

Idk. I'm tired and I'm scared and worn down and I don't know how to ask for help. I tried with one of my local friends but, well, their life is busy and its always "oh I forgot to ask my friend about that place here that would help you, sorry, there's been so much going on" but. It's been months now. They were the one that suggested I reach out to said people about whatever place it is, and I don't want to be rude but also... are you going to help me? Because it sounds like my sorry ass is stuck going to Chicago in a global pandemic to get T and I'm really upset about it.

Like, if my friend can't even see it as important than I guess I just have to do everything alone. Just like I've had to with BPD.

This is getting way longer than I meant, and it's not even the worst thing just. I'm feeling vulnerable and isolated as hell and I need more support than I have and I'm too scared to ask for it. And most of the people I know can't do jack or shit about it because there's really nothing they can do, so like. Why ask them. Why tell them. Idk.

I'm talking to a therapist too, have been for months, and she's nice but she's not great for trans issues. She's supportive but it's not her specialty. Because I have borderline I have to kind of choose my battles when it comes to therapists... There are therapists that handle BPD and therapists that handle trans issues but my insurance doesn't cover one that specializes in both at once in this town. And BPD is super misunderstood-- the wrong therapist may admit me for just passive suicidal ideation not realizing it's a common and (generally non-life-threatening) part of BPD that doesn't hold real threat. Getting a therapist for trans issues that doesn't know how to read the weight of my depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts and call them correctly is dangerous and... that's its own problem. I have to choose my battles here and it's really hurting me.

Like I really don't know what to do. Do I get a second therapist and risk that they may not understand BPD and may be overwhelmed and scared to work with me? God. I've never had two therapists at once and the thought is... idk. It hurts.

I just want to feel okay, and I don't. And I'm more tired and scared and feeling misunderstood than I've ever been and the idea of reaching for help is terrifying me. This feels like stuff I should only be unloading on a therapist, not my friends... my friends deserve better than that. But also I'm well aware of how my friendships will go if I start to use them to vent and seek help like this.

Idk. I wish I knew how to talk about everything that's wrong right now but I... can't. It sounds horrible and mean when I say it all and I don't want people to look at me like I'm fragile and someone to pity, but that seems to be my life and how people are going to view me. I basically exist as an example of what not to be. So. Idk. I'm tired and I want help but I'm scared to ask for it.

Past friends have taught me that if I seek help and cry to them that I'm a Problem that they need to distance from and. It hurts. There may be friends that do genuinely want me to come to them and I don't know how to try; the idea scares the shit out of me. Everyone I've ever opened up to (besides my partner) has eventually grown sick of me and I can't handle losing what support I have right now.

I need to hush cause this sounds blamey and I don't mean it that way. My life is just... highkey fucked and I'm trying to hold on and struggling about it.

I don't regret finally admitting to both myself and everyone else that I'm trans, but fuck, the weight of this level of medical rejection on top of the BPD feelings interfering with my ability to reach to friends for help just... it's so much. And I feel guilty complaining about it at all.

And every time I post something public about it I'm just giving people insight on why they should avoid me, or worse, exactly what they can do/say if they want to hurt me.

#personal #bpd #trans issues and dysphoria yayyy #suicidal ideation yaaaaaaaaay #come to filthy's brain where we have #sadness!#regret!#dread!#trust issues!#fear of abandonment!!#it's great it's fun and I'm definitely not typing tags to stall hitting the post button hoooo #shit

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bodyswapmischief · 5 years ago

Text

Glitch in the System: A Love Story in Quarantine

(This story is a little different from what, I normally post, in that is doesn't involve body swap or transformations. But, I really loved writing it. And, hope you all enjoy it to)

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!!!" Carter yelled from his room. The walls of the house reverberated, with his voice.

"Shit, dude! Whet the hell happened," Elijah came hurrying in.

"The restaurant called me. Somebody got the Corona-Virus. Now, the whole restaurant is going to close," Carter sighed out.

Elijah smiles and gives a small laugh, "Welcome to the club. Think about it this way, now you have time to relax ..."

"No, no, no, I can't do that. I need to be on the move, I need to do something to keep busy. I can't just sit on my ass all day watching T.V, no offense." Carter interrupted.

"None taken," Elijah said sarcastically. "Just, wait. I was like you when this all started. I'll give you a day, and you'll see there nothing else to do. You'll even learn to like it." He forewarned.

"Yeah, no, I am going out. So, see you later. This quarantine is not stopping me." Carter proclaimed as he gather his stuff and walked out the door.

...

After attempting to live a normal life, during quarantine, Carter came back to the apartment defeated. "Elijah was right, there was nothing to do." He thought to himself. But, his thoughts quickly faded, when he walked back into the apartment. He began hearing the sounds of women moaning, in sexual pleasure.

He began walking into the living room and there, with his shorts off, ilwas Elijah. He rhythmically pumped his rock hard cock, as his own moans blinded him to the fact that Carter walked in on him.

"No way! Your masturbating on the couch," Carter said perplexed. He wasn't sure if he should laugh or be mad. "The couch is the neutral zone, dude, you can do that shit in your room. I fucking eat here."

Elijah heart stopped, as he turned his head to look at Carter. With lightning speed he put on his shorts and turned off the T.V. "Oh, fuck! Dude ... I wasn't doing anything."

"Bro, I literally just saw you. It's no big deal. I'm going take a shower and try to forget what I just saw." Carter said annoyed.

"Yeah for sure, it just that I didn't expect you home so soon and your usually at work, when I do it so.." Elijah tried to explain.

"Bro. Just stop it ... why the fuck would you tell me you've done it more than once, on the couch ... I didn't need to know that shit! Fuck, dude!" Carter said frustrated.

"Okay, I'll keep my mouth shut. It's just my stress and this awkward situation ... I'm fucking rambling. It's just been hard containing this horny beast, during quarantine." Elijah referred to his cock. "And, Roxy's parent's won't let her come over, so I haven't been able to get my daily dose of sex." Elijah finished with a nervous chuckle and his face turning red, with embarrassment.

"Hey look dude, really it's okay. I'm not that mad about it. I'm more going through shock ... ha. In fact it's going be one of those times we laugh about in the future. The time I saw your dick and caught you masturbating." Carter sighed trying to calm his friend down. "Shit, I feel your pain. Ever since this whole quarantine started the booty well, has been drying out for me, too. In fact, it's been completely dry as of late." Carter continued. "Not going to lie, been masturbating non-stop ... but I have the decency to keep it in my room." He laughs.

Carter proceeded to go to the shower, while in an embarrassed fog, Elijah started straining out the apartment. Elijah was able to calm down enough to start watching tv. After some time passed, Carter came back out. Elijah was worried that Carter was going to say something but, was happily shocked when he just sat next to him.

"So what are we watching." Carter asked.

"Oh, it's a new netflix documentary about this crazy tiger guy and some chick that killed her husband. It's the first episode, so I'll just start it from the beginning." Elijah answered.

As time passed, the two young men found themselves growing more sleepier. The hours moved to the the early morning but, both guys were too invested into the show. Both, unaware of how heavy their eyelids were getting.

...

Carter felt heavy, but strangely comfortable and safe. Even with his eyes closed, they were blinded by the sun in the living room. The soft couch around him, his dick was rock hard. As, he begun to pulsates on something firm on top of him.

Elijah started to wake up as he felt something under him move. His own dick becoming aroused. And pulsating in return. He felt some rock hard cock rubbing at his stomach. Meanwhile, Carter started felling some pressure enlarge and grow against his thigh.

Simultaneously the illusion caused by the sleepy fog wore off, as both boys realized what was happening. They both opened their eyes and saw each others face. In a panic Elijah jump off his roommate and Carter got up off the couch.

"Dude what the fuck were you doing, to me!" Elijah yelled.

"Fuck, dude! I just felt something on me, I didn't know it was you. And, why the fuck am I trying to explain myself. Why the fuck were you sleeping on me!?" Carter yelled back

"I don't fucking know ... I guess we just crashed on the couch and in our sleep our bodies position themselves like that. Fuck, fuck, fuck!." Elijah let out.

"First, I catch you masturbating and now this. You did this on purpose you fucker. You wanted me to help relieve you of your sexual urges. I'm not fucking gay bro." Carter yelled, with his voice shaking.

""What the fuck. I ain't gay either. And, you just talked about how you couldn't get pussy either. And, you were the one that started rubbing your dick on me!!." Elijah retorted.

"Okay ... okay ... this is what's going to happen. We are going to spend the day as far apart from each other as possible. We are going to try forget this and move on. We were half asleep, it didn't mean anything. right?." Carter panicked.

"Yeah, exactly, it meant shit." Carter tried to reassure himself.

They guys walked past each other awkwardly, trying their hardest not to walk into eachother on the way to their rooms. Hours passed, and both guys starting forgetting, about the awkwardness of the morning. Endless content of videos, movies, video games, helped clear their minds.

Carter was getting restless and decided to do some work around the house. There were always things breaking and he never had time to fix them. Elijah also needed new scenery, as he was getting tired of being in his room. So, he went to the living room, to continue his t.v. viewing. The guys looked at eachother awkwardly but they continued what they were doing.

Carter started working around the house, trying to find anything that needed to be fixed. Moving around heavy furniture was the workout he needed. He removed his shirt that started to cling to him do to his sweat.

Elijah awkwardly glanced, at him. "Was he really doing that, after what just happened this morning." Elijah thought to himself. He saw as sweat dripping down his roommates body. It glistened as the sunlight reflected off his body. His abs, biceps, chest, and shoulder working to together, as the flexed and relaxed, to move the heavy furniture. "Thank god we didn't go to sleep with our clothes off. I'm glad we had layers of clothes between us. It would have been way worst, if we were having skin to skin contact." Elijah continued thinking.

He couldn't keep his eyes off his friend. And, his dick was getting hard, as thoughts of his dick pressed against Carter's warm muscular thigh came rushing back into his mind. He started imagining fucking and getting fucked by his friend. He couldn't take it anymore, so he rushed into the bathroom and went into a shower. He started jacking off. He tried to change his thoughts, but images of Carter were stuck in his mind. He tried to think off his girlfriend but it wasn't doing anything, for him anymore.

He started crying, as he kept masturbating to images of his friend. He took his cock and pumped it with the beat of his thoughts. Imagining his shirtless friend. Fucking his friend. Both of their bodies tangled in the act of love. He tried hard to think of anyone else. He thought of his girlfriend, but within a second his mind returned to Carter. He thought of hot female celebrities, but their images couldn't stand the flood of Carter in tight clothes that revealed his gym body. He even tried to think of other guys ... male celebrities, guys at the gym ... but not even they held a light to his sexual attraction for Carter.

He felt it in his core. At this moment he wasn't straight anymore. He wasn't even gay. He only had sexual feelings for one person and the person was Carter. After an hour in the shower, Elijah leaned against the shower wall panting with excasty. His body extremely tired. He couldn't believe how many times he cummed. But, for now his sexual urges seem to be satisfied. But, with his stomach rumbling, he knew he needed to eat something after the steamy masturbatical workout session he just had in the shower.

He walk out and saw, Carter, who by now was done and watching TV. A little embarrassed from what happened this morning and more embarrassed by his thoughts in the shower he said, "Hey, I'm going to cook some food, you hungry."

"Sure," Carter said not looking away from the T.V. Time continued to pass, until the aroma from the kitchen was becoming stronger. His stomach started growling, so he turn his head to see the progress of the food. He saw Elijah working hard. Food stains on his shirt from the spaghetti sauce he made. He looked so cute the way he worked. He was lucky to have him as a friend and a roommate. Unlike Carter, Elijah didnt go to the gym. But that doesn't mean he wasn't fit. He kept himself healthy with daily runs and the occasional hiking trip.

Carter wanted to go up and hug him from behind, and give him a kiss, like a good boyfriend. Then images of the morning popped up in Carter's mind. What the fuck was he thinking. He's not dating Elijah. "I'm not even gay, " Carter thought to himself." But that didn't stop the images of imagining Elijah sucking his dick. And he licking Elijah's ass. As he sat, trying not to think of his friend like that, his dick started growing excited by the thoughts.

"Um dude, I going for a drive ... I've been cooped up in here to long. I need some air." Carter said gathering his things and rushing out the door.

"But the foods almost done." Elijab said a little annoyed.

"I'll eat it when. I back, I just need to go." Carter said in sexual pain as his dick was angry about being ignored.

He drove and called up his list of chicks, until one accepted his offer of sex. He was also glad because she was one of the hottest chicks on his list. He got there and straight away they started making out. But every time Carter blinked or closed his eyes he saw images of Elijah. As, his one night stand began to strip, his erection started going down. The big juicy ass, the nice pair of tits, no longer pleased him. He could feel himself panicking, as she started to strip him of his clothes.

"What your not hard yet." She said unsurprised. "And your so tensed. I got a solution for that." She proceeded to sit him on her chair. Taking his flaccid dick she began to suck. He knew he should be enjoying this, but his dick wouldn't get hard. He closed his eyes, to try imagine something that would turn him on. But, still only thoughts of Elijah filled his mind. And with these thoughts, his dicks began to harden. It was rock hard. The hardest it ever been and made even slightly bigger. He opened his eyes, but as soon as he did he saw the chicks naked body. A body he once loved looking at, but it was causing him to lose his erection. So, he closed his eyes again, as she finished sucking him off.

His dick stayed hard, and now it was his time to please her. But, as he brought his dick to her vagina, the erection started fading. "Hey look this is not working. It's to much effort and I don't like that. Your obviously going through something. You haven't been yourself. Comeback when you got your shit dealt with." She said as she got off the bed and started getting dressed.

Carter felt so embarrassed. "Yeah, I don't know whats wrong with me. No hard feelings?" He shyly looked at her.

She similed, " You aren't the only guy on my list, I can call up. But, you are ... or were the best." She jokingly sighed, as she winked at him.

On, the way home his erection came back. And, the thoughts of Elijah flooded his mind. In the garage he stayed, until he masturbated for an hour. Ashamed of himself he walked into the apartment.

Carter walked in to hear Elijah moaning his name. He walked into the living room, where Elijah was sitting on the couch. Elijah was wearing Carter's dirty clothes, from earlier that day. Shorts wrapped around his ankles, and dick poking out of his briefs, he was jacking off while looking at shirtless picks of Carter on Instagram

"What the fuck!"Carter yelled. Elijah got up with lightning speed. To scared to say anything. Carter came closer and pushed Elijah onto the couch. Elijah started bracing himself, in the fear that Carter was going to start kicking the shit out of him. A few seconds passed. "Fuck," Carter said. Elijah opened his eyes, as he saw Carter begin to kneel down. His mouth staring to envelop Elijah's dick. Instantly both of their dicks became rock hard. There were no longer need for words as they performed the dance of love.

Elijah began to help Carter strip his clothes off and Carter helped position Elijah, so that both of them could suck each others dick in unison. Elijah enjoyed the big muscled body on top of him. He felt safe in Carter's strong arms. Carter enjoyed finally having someone he could care for and love. He no longer needed a fuck list. He just needed Elijah. He loved that he could wrap his arms around Elijah's smaller yet fit body.

During a plethora of orgasms, and taking turns fucking each other, they moved throughout the house and into Carter's bedroom. They laid next to eachother panting form the intense sexual workouts they just did. Their bodies still tingling from the orgasmic rush. They cuddled like that for minutes, slowly relaxing their heart rates and bodies.

Finally Elijah broke the silence. "So what does this mean?"

Carter was shocked by the question."What do you mean?"

"What does this mean for our friendship. Is it going to be awkward around us. I mean l ... I'm no psychologist but the only reason this happened is because of the quarantine. We both are young horny guys ... and we couldn't get sex anywhere else. So, we went to eachother to get our sex fix. So, after quarantine we should psychological revert to normal." Elijah tried to explain.

Carter's heart was a little hurt. "Do you really feel that way. Or, are you just lying to yourself. I know you feel it, too. Some happened to us. There's this energy we share, now, for some reason. If you're saying this because you think that's how I feel, your wrong." He started getting choked up. " I fucking love you, and after the sex we just had, I know you love me to. And, your theory is worng, I was able to get a sex offer from one of the hottest chicks on my list. But I could only think about you. So tell me there's something between us. Because, for the first time I'm actually feeling happy. I found a part of me that been missing .. it's you. I need you ... I need this whatever it is."

Elijah eyes began to get watery, seeing Carter's pain. "No your right, there is something between us. It the most powerful feeling I've ever felt. I can't even think of my girlfriend the same way. I feel nothing for her. But, sitting here with you ... it feels ... it feels like home." Elijah smiled, but started thinking. "So, this changes a lot. I'm going have to break up with my girlfriend. Are we gay, now? What are our friends and family gonna think..." Elijah started to ramble.

But, Carter brought him out of his thoughts, "Don't worry. What ever this is; it is different. I don't feel straight anymore. But, I wouldn't say I was gay. That implies I like guys in general. The truth is I only like you. Elijah, I'm only attracted to you. This love between us it's strong. As long as we are together we can face anything. So, what if my family disowns me or we lose some friends. I'd trade everything I have for you." Carter said shaking from the truth and deep passion of his words.

"I feel the same. I only love you, too. Carter." Elijah smiled up at Carter. And Carter wrapped his muscular arms around Elijah. And, Elijah pressed his head on Carter's muscular chest. Elijah own arms wrapped around Carter. And, Carter felt safe and loved by Elijah smaller yet muscular body. They were both strong. They were in it together, whatever the future held. They were roommates, friends, equals, and now lovers. And, they both smiled knowing that with a radmon glitch in the universe, they found true love.

#male #body #swap #mischief #mental #transformation #tf #story #stories

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shreddedleopard · 4 years ago

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Levi and Historia’s Miscalculation: A Manga Tale featuring the Jaeger Bros. Pt. 2

Ahh ... I’m so glad you’re still here. There’s a lot to get through. Theory continued under the cut.

So let’s go back to Levi’s and Historia’s developing feelings for one another.

I’m going to jump now to one year prior to Historia giving birth, which of course is ground zero of the cataclysmic event that is the climax of this manga.

Here we have our gang, minus insanely happy Hisu (if the last set of panels we saw of her a year before is anything to go by) working on the railway.

Yams is so helpful because he marks out the season as well as the year, so we know pretty well the characters ages. Historia is definitely 18 by this point. He also takes time to have Levi himself point out how the 104th have suddenly gone from ‘those brats’ to towering adults in his eyes. Interesting. (Also, Historia is tiny. If Levi has been spending time with her and the kids at the orphanage, it would naturally be weird to see these giants who were once just the kids on his squad too.)

What’s got Eren so antsy? What urgent news is he expecting? 🤔 actually no idea. But it’s weird. Maybe he hasn’t seen them for a while.

Anyway, we find out there’s bad news from Hizuru, which leads to this panel:

Levi is a BIG FAT LIAR.

He doesn’t and won’t turn Historia into a titan. You don’t do that to someone you care about deeply. He’s trying so hard to convince us otherwise, but in hindsight, it’s obvious.

He never looks someone in the eye when he lies. You’ll see him do it again concerning Historia too, where he played his squad and the majority of the fandom and said he was going to go make her eat Zeke after she delivered her child. At a completely wrong due date. He got me too, don’t worry. Zeke’s right, he is a good actor. Or we’re dense 🤔

So anyway, Hange is all like, let’s go on a trip then!

Levi does not look impressed. Last thing he wants to do while the situation is so volatile is leave Historia. He wants to be around to protect her. And it’s got nothing to do with those supposedly clingy Ackergenes. Zeke will tell us that himself later.

Keeps popping up in this plot line, doesn’t t he? Could be important.

Right. Here’s where it gets a bit tricky. Chronologically, the next scene we have involving these two is all broken up in (what I think are) Eren’s memories. I’m going to try and seperate them out because they’re mixed in with another important event, but this one comes much later, and I’m trying to keep some sort of order. But the later event is a direct result of what Eren learns here.

Note the translation error in this - it should say when Zeke reaches the island. Because we know he’s coming at some point.

What are Historia’s lines to Eren? She blatantly tells us that TENDING TO CATTLE, ie, FARMING IS A LIE; what she’s really been doing is realising there’s no need to fight or run anymore. Hmm ... where have we heard those iconic lines before!?

LEVI BLOODY ACKERMAN.

She doesn’t need to be scared of anyone trying to harm her, because Levi is there by her side. He’s willing to do whatever it takes to keep her safe. To be fair, we’ve seen it in his eyes already. Man. What a guy.

Okay so next we have Historia being like, if I have to start a family, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Why?? Because she’s found someone she actually wouldn’t mind it happening with. AND ITS SOME RANDOM FARM GUY MY GOD PEOPLE. Although ... farmer is kind of accurate ... more on that deceit and how’s its actually not a deceit at all later.

And BOOM. Here we have two opposing ideologies coming head to head. And, I’m not saying everyone did, but most of us completely missed the ball with this one. Eren was never going to be the one to get her pregnant. Because Eren will not choose family at the crucial moments of this manga. Someone else will.

Ah, screw it, let me do one little jump to show you what I mean:

Look at their eyes. It really is a ‘that scenery’ moment. Levi deceives us through the entirety of his scene here, but he can’t deceive us when we get that tiny glimpse into his mind’s eye. LOOK AT HER. She really does look like a goddess in this moment 🥺 Levi is going to break the cycle of his family history and actually have one - he’s not going to abandon Historia and his child. But anyway, look! This is what happens. This is why I don’t jump. I get distracted.

Back to the other scene.

Cue Eren revealing his plan to her for the rumbling. Historia is naturally horrified - of course she is! This is Historia we’re talking about. How could you all doubt her!? She’s the goodest girl. Anyways. Eren couldn’t give two shits, because guess what?

He says this to her. What’s this a throw back to? Chapter 65. Literally half way back in the story. And in that chapter, Historia did save Eren ... from being turned into a Titan.

I know there’s still people out there who will hate me for this, but it’s not me - it’s Isayama. But yeah, right here, Eren just reminded Historia how she ‘shouldn’t cross the fence.’ It’s a threat. Don’t follow me.

Now up to this point, in contrast with my gushing, I do think it’s possible that Historia was considering Eren as someone she might want to have a family with, despite her closesness with Levi. But if this is the case at all, this moment completely obliterates that for her - it shatters any illusions she has about Eren’s nature, and effectively pushes her right into the arms of Levi. And so, when she tells Eren she’s pregnant in the next panels, it’s Levi’s child she’s carrying. We can gather there might be a small time-gap between them as they change positions.

This is after the railroad banquet, I believe. Where Levi takes his eye off the ball with Eren for a moment to comfort an upset Historia, which then turns into something else, and Eren, Floch and Yelena seize their window of opportunity.

#Ackerman-Reiss child #snk manga spoilers

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agape-philo-sophia · 2 years ago

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➝ TIME TO CHANGE ⏰ Are You Willing To Change?

https://thegreatwork208716197.wordpress.com/2023/05/01/time-to-change-are-you-willing-to-change/ 👉 https://t.me/break_the_spell_group

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drabbles-of-writing · 4 years ago

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The Girl in Red

This is part of my Four Years AU

AO3

Masterpost

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Just because Lilith lived at the Owl House now didn’t mean that she had to give up on everything.

A big one of those things was Amity Blight.

It had taken a little while to settle in, but the young witches training would not stop simply because Lilith lived elsewhere now. And barely had any magic left.

Alright, so maybe there would be a few complications.

“What’s got you so worked up?” Eda wondered, poking her head in from the kitchen as Lilith gathered as many books on magic she could find.

And though she still didn’t understand it, she had stashed a few of Luz’s spare glyphs into them as well.

“I’m to meet my p rotégé soon.” Lilith said, fumbling as a glyph fell out of one of her pockets. “I arranged to meet her in the woods for some...outdoor training.” She said, clearly unsure of her own words.

“You mean that Blight kid?” Eda raised a brow. “You still train her?”

“Blight?”

Luz suddenly appeared in the doorway, looking around like she expected to see something exciting.

“Do you mean Amity?”

“Of course I do. I still train her.” Lilith snorted.

“Oh, oh! You could train her here!” Luz suggested, looking positively delighted at the thought. “We could train together! Eda’s still teaching me about wild magic, even if she can’t use it anymore.”

“My teaching method is far different than whatever Edalyn has been showing you.” Lilith said, giving Eda a side-eye.

“Yeah, and it works!” Eda stuck out her tongue.

“We could learn from each other,” Luz said, pacing the room in that way she did when she had too much pent-up energy. “It could be a fun training session! Please, please can Amity train here?” Luz begged, facing the witch and clasping her hands together.

“I’m not so sure…” Lilith hesitated.

Luz gave her puppy-dog eyes as she begged, and Lilith had to admit, she was good at it. She couldn’t tell if it came naturally or if Eda taught her that. Probably Eda.

“...very well,” Lilith sighed, shoulders sagging.

"WOO!” Luz pumped a fist in the air. “Training with Amity! Oh, I need to grab my glyphs!” She exclaimed, racing out of the living room and up the stairs.

“Don’t break anything!” Eda warned right before a loud thump and a faint ‘I’m okay!’ could be heard.

“I’ll have to check with Amity herself,” Lilith sighed, pulling out her scroll. “Though I take it she’s been here before?”

“Oh, yeah, the kid visited twice.” Eda nodded. “Once when she erased, like, all of some kids' memories and the other time was when she busted her foot about a week ago.”

“She erased someone's memory?” Lilith gasped, almost dropping her scroll.

“Kid said it was an accident and fixed it up, no big deal.” Eda shrugged casually. “Guess there are some things your protégé doesn’t tell you, eh?”

“Don’t patronize me.” Lilith grumbled. “How she became friends with your apprentice of all people, I’ll never know.”

“Mm, I have a few guesses.” Eda said, glancing off.

Training Amity with Luz and Eda was...a challenge.

For one thing, the way Eda taught Luz was rather...barbaric. Luz didn’t seem super thrilled about it either, though she did as Eda told. Amity was very confused at their antics, and possibly a little concerned.

Luz suggested Amity try it once, and that’s when the lesson first fell apart.

Luz and Amity quickly divulged into a mock-war of the two throwing mushrooms and pine needles at each other. To Eda’s credit, she tried to gain some sense of calm.

For the first twenty seconds.

She began egging Luz on soon after, doing nothing but encouraging the two.

Lilith gave up on the lesson for the day and went inside to make some tea. Amity stuck around for a few hours after the fact, and Lilith mentally noted how red she seemed every now and again.

The next lesson was done inside the Owl House. Eda had (grudgingly) allowed Lilith to inform the girls of how to cast larger illusion spells. Of course, she didn’t know how Luz was going to accomplish it, but the human insisted on listening all the same.

Multiple times Lilith would turn around and find the girls either whispering to each other, trying to stifle giggles, or staring at whatever Hooty or King were doing. Which ranged from eating bugs off the floor to getting stuck in a cardboard box.

Lilith swore she aged at least ten years in that house.

“I think we should stop the double training,” Lilith mentioned to her sister one day. It was while she was on Hooty-cleaning duty. Normally she wouldn’t, but Eda had the high ground. Also known as; bringing up the curse that still haunted them both.

“What? Why?” Eda inquired, leaning in the doorway as Lilith scrubbed a mop just above one of the first-story windows.

“Amity can’t pay attention with that human around.” Lilith said, snapping angrily at Hooty as he tried to come over and ‘help out.’ “She’s done nothing but cause trouble.”

“Maybe you should change up your teaching, then.” Eda said simply. “You’re teaching Amity the regular type of magic while Luz and I are teaching each other about wild and glyph magic. Those two don’t exactly mix well.”

“Amity is in the abomination track, I am not teaching her wild magic to become a criminal like you.” Lilith growled. “I’m happy teaching her other forms of magic, but that’s just in case she--”

“What? Joins the Emperor’s Coven?” Eda cut in, crossing her arms. “Lily, do you seriously want her going to that place after all that’s happened?”

Lilith opened her mouth to argue before slowly closing it again.

“The Emperor tricked you, kidnapped me, tried to kill Luz, and is apparently trying to find a way to the human world. And you want her to join?” Eda demanded with a glare.

“...it’s what she always wanted.” Lilith said quietly, setting down the mop. “She was always so excited to be able to learn other types of magic…”

Eda relaxed with a sigh and walked over, placing a hand on her sisters shoulder and gaining her attention.

“Well, I have a feeling she isn’t so keen on it now.” Eda said simply. “She’s still friends with Luz, you know. Besides, have you asked her what she wants to do now?”

Lilith looked away, almost mad at the shame she felt.

“And anyway, I think she’s having fun.” Eda said, turning her head to look through the window of the Owl House.

Lilith looked up as well, seeing Luz and Amity messing around with King, who was still a little angry at Amity for a previous grievance involving a cupcake. Amity was smiling and laughing as Luz was tackled by King and wrestled on the floor with him.

Lilith couldn’t name any recent time she’d seen the young witch so happy. Not since the last covention.

“And having fun is the important part.” Eda said, patting Lilith on the back.

“Well, if the great and powerful Eda says so.” Lilith rolled her eyes.

“I do say so.” Eda grinned. “Now get back to work! I have a house that needs to be cleaned.”

In the second month, training came to a screeching halt.

In that time, Luz had found zero ways to make it back home, like she thought she would.

As soon as September first had rolled around, Luz had been near inconsolable. The poor girl was frantic, sporadic, sleep-deprived, and unconsciously snapping at everyone the longer the minutes ticked by.

Amity was worried sick. Almost literally.

And Lilith would admit, she was concerned for the human as well. Luz, while definitely as chaotic as Eda, was a sweet, well-meaning kid. She was happy to work with and train by Lilith, and was full of life and excitement, even after all she had done.

To see her so panicked and on the verge of tears made her heart tear.

For nearly three months there was an almost non-stop search. Lilith swore they turned the whole town upside down looking for any clues on how to make a portal to the human realm.

They couldn’t find anything.

Luz had calmed in those three months, but not for the better. She was laying about, unmotivated, and in a general slump.

Lilith remembered when she was like that. Back when she had first cursed Eda, and had to live knowing what she had done had all been for nothing.

She did her best to comfort the human, and in a few weeks, she was getting better. Amity and their other friends all helped cheer up Luz, too. And slowly, the old Luz they knew was coming back.

As did the constant redness from Amity.

Lilith had noticed Amity’s red face during the first two months of training with Luz. At first she thought it was the heat, the circumstances, or that she was just sick.

But, no. Amity was fine...presumably.

It had vanished during the close-to three months of worrying over Luz, but once she started to come back, it arose once more.

Lilith would wander into the living room while Amity was visiting and she’d find the two of them sitting on the couch, talking about unimportant things. Luz would be leaning against Amity in some fashion, or just draped across her lap a couple of times.

Each time she’d find a faint heat in Amity’s cheeks. But as soon as Amity noticed her mentor had arrived, she’d light up and grow stiff.

At first, Lilith thought it was because Amity thought she was being caught doing something wrong, like not training. So Lilith made sure to smile and nod at her p rotégé before continuing with whatever she was doing.

It didn’t help. And in some cases, it appeared to make things worse.

Lilith would also note that Amity was incredibly distracted by the human, particularly when she was focusing on magic or doing something outrageous.

Amity would stare at Luz for quite a while if gone uninterrupted. To the point where she would fumble or crash into things if she was busy doing something beforehand. Quite a few items had been broken that way, and even Eda was getting a little annoyed.

Once, on a hot day, Amity had tied up all of her hair and in turn showed off her undercut. Luz had noticed and complimented the young witch on it. Mentioning how she had wanted to get one, too.

Lilith almost thought Amity had accidentally eaten a bloodshroom by how fast the Red™ had come to her cheeks.

During one of their training sessions, Amity had been practicing her natural fire magic. She had both of her hands in front of her with a small magenta flame. Luz had been sitting on the floor and awed at the sight.

When Amity turned to face her, Luz had sat up on her knees, face illuminated by the glow, and acted like she had seen the most incredible magic in the Boiling Isles. Which was saying something, for someone who had faced Emperor Belos.

Amity’s fire had ignited into a very sudden flame, sprouting upwards and nearly nicking her in the nose, causing a mild panic among the house when she set the carpet ablaze. Which Eda later made her pay for.

Any form of physical contact seemed to bring a flush to Amity’s face. She’d avert her eyes, stutter, sweat. The works.

Usually not all at once, but it was still noticeable. Especially for such a well-coordinated person as Amity.

After weeks of silently observing, Lilith decided it could go on no longer. Amity appeared to be in distress, and Lilith was not about to leave her student high and dry when she could do something about it.

So, she came up with theories.

Her first theory was that Luz was warmer than a regular witch, and that’s why Amity looked so red. There wasn’t much information on human biology, so it’s not like it was out of the realm of possibility.

But that theory was shot down almost immediately. Lilith had been around Luz before, and she was no warmer than any other witch. Maybe Amity was extra sensitive? Allergic to humans, maybe?

Her second theory was that Amity simply didn’t know how to react to Luz. Sure, the two were friends, but Lilith had heard about Amity’s horror-story ‘friends.’ Perhaps she just didn’t know how to deal with having a real friend like Luz.

That theory was torn when she’d watched Amity’s interactions with her other two friends, Willow and Gus. She didn’t act nearly the same way with either of them as she did Luz. And while they definitely weren’t as eccentric as Luz, she figured Amity would’ve shown some similar signs.

Her third theory worried her greatly.

A curse.

Granted, not one nearly as severe as the one she’d given Eda, but a curse nonetheless. Perhaps one of her old friends had cursed her to be distracted or embarrass herself in front of Luz. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility.

Though she felt like Amity would’ve talked to her if she was concerned about such a thing. She decided to put a pin in that idea.

Her fourth theory was one that confused her, and yet almost seemed to make sense.

Amity was angry at Luz.

The idea seemed preposterous. Amity didn’t hate Luz. She didn’t even dislike Luz. They were best friends, were they not?

Yet, all the signs pointed to the opposite. Amity was known to go as red as a tomato when angry, it made sense. Amity was always going red when Luz was around, and would look anywhere but at her when it was bad enough.

The constant watching, the aversiveness to sudden touch, the stuttering, the ranting she’d hear Amity go off on now and again, the seeming unease.

Amity was furious at Luz. Or at the very least, uncomfortable with her being around.

It made no sense and so much at the same time.

She wondered if maybe the anger was caused by a curse, but that couldn’t be it. Amity would notice then. She must not have forgiven Luz for the humiliation at the covention and the library. That had to be it.

Right?

With this theory in mind, Lilith attempted to keep Amity as far from Luz as possible. Taking her to the marketplace, training in different areas around Bonesborough, instructing Hooty to be a little more aggressive in guarding, things like that.

Amity transitioned from politely confused, to annoyed, to...well, drained.

Luz made a similar transition. She would always wonder aloud where Amity was, to asking Lilith to train back at the Owl House, to the occasional moping on the couch when Lilith left for training.

It seemed keeping them apart had only made things worse. And Lilith hated seeing either of the girls down.

She suddenly went right back to training at the Owl House again, and the cycle resumed. Maybe even stronger this time.

Lilith was confused, worried, and perhaps a little desperate. What, in the name of the Titan himself, could be the problem?

She decided she needed help, as much as she hated to admit it. And she knew just who to ask.

“Edalyn?” Lilith said, looking up the stairs to where her sister was retreating to her room for the night. “May I speak with you?”

“Uh, sure?” Eda blinked, stepping back as Lilith made her way up the steps and stood across from her in the hallway. “What is it?”

“I’m...worried,” Lilith admitted. “About Amity.”

“Is it her parents?” Eda asked quietly, face softening.

“No, no, thank goodness it’s not.” Lilith shook her head. “I meant...about her and Luz.”

Eda stared at her owlishly for a moment. Lilith had to stop herself from curling her lip at her own accidental pun.

“About time you noticed!” Eda snorted before quickly quieting herself down. She really didn’t want to wake anyone in the house.

“You knew?” Lilith gaped.

“Course I did. That kid of yours isn’t exactly subtle.” Eda chuckled. “It’s nothing to be worried about. Luz is a bit oblivious, but I’m sure she’ll catch on eventually. She’s still worried about herself.”

“Nothing to worry about?” Lilith shook her head in disbelief. “How can it be nothing to worry about? It’s interfering with Amity’s training!”

“So? I think the kids got something good going, if you ask me.” Eda shrugged. “Why are you so worked up about this?”

“Because I care about the well-being of my apprentice!” Lilith hissed quietly. “How can you let the two of them continue to be around each other when it’s so obviously causing Amity distress?”

Eda frowned and opened her mouth to retort before pausing. She appeared thoughtful before looking Lilith up and down.

“Just to make sure we’re on the same page; what do you think is going on?”

“What?” Lilith flicked her pointed ears down. “Amity is annoyed by Luz, isn’t she?” She said, tilting her head. “I mean, I didn’t think it could be true, but with all the evidence--”

Eda let out a loud, vaugly distressing, wheeze.

The Owl Lady covered her mouth with her hand and tried to smother her laughs, wheezing all the way so as to not disturb any of the other residents who were fast-asleep.

“What’s so funny?” Lilith demanded, taken aback.

“You think Amity doesn’t like Luz?” Eda whisper-laughed. “Are you dense?”

“Wha--no! I’m concerned!” Lilith snapped, remembering at the last second to keep her voice down. “What are you on about?”

“Lily, you poor, poor moron,” Eda heavily dropped a hand on her shoulder and looked up, still hunched over from her laughing fit.

“That Blight girl has a crush on Luz.”

Lilith blinked, once, twice. She stared at Eda as the gears in her head slowly began to turn and shift.

“...wait, really?”

Eda had to smother another laugh, visibly shaking with the effort.

“I’m serious!” Lilith whispered. “A crush? Is that what this is?”

“Obviously! Kids head-over-staff!” Eda stood up, leaning against the wall as she raised a hand near her chest to smother any further laughs should they come up.

“Honestly, Lily. I knew you weren’t the smartest tool in the shed, but this is ridiculous.” Eda teased. “I thought after years of watching me fall for those kids in Hexside you would’ve been able to recognize this.”

“You were different!” Lilith huffed, crossing her arms and turning her body away slightly.

“You would go out of your way to show-off. You’d do all you could to be near them while laughing at any stupid jokes they made and had the most absurd face when you’d see them across the--”

Lilith paused, thinking over what she said as the smile on Eda’s face grew.

“Wait... wait,”

Eda covered her mouth again and wheezed, turning her head away to avoid laughing harder at the shocked face Lilith was sporting right now.

"See-see my...my point?” Eda wheezed out.

“Great Titan, you’re right. As much as I hate to admit it.” Lilith muttered. “And I tried to get them apart.”

“Yeah, not your smartest move.” Eda giggled. “Still think it’s going to interfere?”

“Of course it is. But I’m not going to stop it.” Lilith said simply. “What do you take me for?”

“A woman who curses her own little sister while she’s asleep?”

Lilith gave Eda a deadpan stare. Eda returned it with a smug one of her own.

“Fair, but still.” Lilith relented. “I’m honestly surprised Amity could get so flustered over, no offence, a human.”

“I was surprised, too.” Eda agreed. “But, honestly? I think it works.”

“What makes you say that?” Lilith wondered.

Eda waved her hand and drew Lilith further down the hallway. She stopped outside of Luz’s room and gestured for her sister to be quiet.

Slowly, Eda cracked open the door and peered inside before stepping back to let Lilith see for herself.

Luz and Amity were leaning upright against the back wall, both of them asleep. A discarded The Good Witch Azura book laying in Amity’s lap.

Luz’s head was resting in the crook of Amity’s neck, mouth half-open.

Amity was laying her head across Luz’s, looking far more peaceful.

They each had a hand resting beside them. Amity’s fingers were brushing Luz’s, having looked like she was going to hold her hand before either chickening out or falling asleep.

“See what I mean?” Eda whispered gleefully as Lilith stepped back and quietly shut the door.

“Alright, yeah, you have a point.” Lilith admitted. “I have a lot to make up for,” She mumbled.

“Eh, you can start now.” Eda shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time you messed up.”

Lilith made sure her sister saw the irritated face she gave her.

“Now go to sleep already before we accidentally wake up Hooty. He’ll never shut up if we--”

“Did someone say Hooty?”

“There he is,”

Lilith sat on the couch in the living room, reading a book on glyph-magic. It was early morning, and the rest of the household had yet to rise after the rude awakening from Hooty last night.

Lilith knew that whenever Amity stayed overnight at the Owl House, she would either go home early or very late in the day, depending on if she had informed her parents beforehand.

This time, she had forgotten to tell them.

Lilith wasn’t surprised when she heard the soft footsteps of Amity hurriedly walking down the stairs.

Lilith lowered her book for a moment and turned towards the doorway as Amity stepped through, gazing around nervously. She froze when she saw Lilith, like a child caught stealing from the cookie jar.

“So,” Lilith stared awkwardly, sharply closing her book. “Luz, huh?”

Neither of them moved, or spoke, for a good few moments.

“Seriously?” Amity groaned, giving Lilith an exhausted stare. “I didn’t even do anything yet!”

“This happens that often?”

88 notes · View notes

whothehellisyn · 3 years ago

Text

Cat and Mouse | Ch. 7

Series Masterlist

Rating: 18+

Pairing: Dark!Mysterio x Reader

Chapter Warnings: unreality, paranoia, wet dreams, minor gaslighting (moved objects), sleep paralysis

AN: you know the typical warnings, and we’re almost caught up to my current writing!

It’s been two weeks since Quentin left, and it’s been three days since you’ve slept. You can feel the exhaustion affecting your body and your mind, as you’re much clumsier now. Earlier you dropped a glass again, and just now you hip-checked the kitchen counter because you miscalculated how far you were from it.

“Fuck!” You groan, rubbing your hip. “God, I’m so fucking tired.”

“Maybe you’ll pass out eventually, and just collapse and force-sleep.” You say. It’s a hopeful thought. “Maybe if we’re lucky, it’ll happen later on tonight.” You nod to yourself and go back to perusing the kitchen for lunch.

“Damn, I need to go to the store soon.” You note, wondering if you should make a list. “Wait...” Oh yeah. You can’t do that.

“Is there enough for this week?” You ask. You start to do some mental calculations, counting up the cans and boxes.

“Maybe? If you’re careful.” You decide. “No more snacks, just the meals.”

Making conversation with yourself has become second nature now, and you don’t hesitate to ask yourself things that don’t matter. Over dinner, you explain to yourself wether you believe in fairies or not. You pretended to give a tutorial on cooking as you prepared your meal. You’ve started to feel more and more tired throughout the day, but in the middle of cleaning up your dishes it starts to really hit you.

Even as you wash your plate you can feel your eyes trying to close. Your body begins to settle into a sort of lull as the sink runs, the white noise is so comforting and soft...

The metallic clang of the plate slipping from your fingers and landing in the sink makes you jump, snapping awake.

“I’m way too tired to be handling breakable items.” You mumble. You know you have to shower before you try to get some sleep, but it’s so tempting to just go to bed dirty.

“Don’t be gross,” You chastise yourself, “You stink.”

You start the shower again and begin to get undressed. Just before you go to get into the shower, you hear the big metal door clanging shut. Wrapping a towel around yourself, you peek out of the bathroom and look for Quentin. Nobody is in the suite, but there’s brown paper bags on the kitchen table. You go to them and discover that they’re groceries, a mix of fresh foods and shelf items.

t occurs to you that this means you’re being punished for the long run. Then you start to think more about this delivery. Apart from your short bathroom breaks, this was the first time all day you’ve been out of the main area longer than a few minutes. How could he have known you needed food and also when you’d be occupied long enough to deliver food without you being able to see him?

You tighten the towel around your body and look around the tops of the walls. He’s got to be watching you somehow.

You search around for fifteen minutes before you realize you’ve left the water on.

“Shit, shit, shit!” You say, running to the bathroom. You feel the water and luckily it’s still warm. You shrug off the towel and rush to get clean. Hopefully he doesn’t have cameras in the bathroom.

Wether it was the grocery delivery or the shower, that sleepiness from earlier is gone much to your chagrin. You lie on the floor, on the verge of tears from frustration. God, you’re so fucking tired.

“I just want to sleep!” You whine, covering your eyes with your arm. “I don’t want to sleep in the bed.” You add, as if to stop yourself from suggesting it.

But maybe you have to, even if you don’t want to. You sit up quietly and sneak over to the bed to avoid your own will from realizing what you’re doing.

The bedsheets are so soft, have they always been? They don’t even smell like Quentin anymore, thank god for that. You use the blanket you’ve been sleeping with onto of the bedspread and curl up in the comfort of the mattress.

You don’t even remember falling asleep.

You dream that you’re in SHIELD headquarters and Peter Parker has dyed his hair green on accident. Director Fury’s eyepatch keeps changing eyes but he doesn’t seem to notice. He asks you if you’re allergic to tomatoes and that he wants to know because he just learned how to make spaghetti.

Your neighbor Madeline announces to the three of you that she is now the new head of SHIELD and puts Director Fury in a mason jar. You get put in a coffee mug and she makes Peter dye his hair purple before putting him in a Tupperware. Apparently Director Madison has a fascination with putting people in containers.

It starts storming inside the headquarters, and little fishes and seaweeds drop from the clouds and onto everyone. “It’s a hurricane!” Director Fury yells, dumping you out of the mug. “We have to take cover.”

You obey, and hide next to Peter Parker underneath a desk. He has an octopus on his head, but you try not to stare. He’s about to tell you something when–

You wake up still exhausted, but feeling much better than before. What a weird dream.

You half expected Quentin to be in bed next to you, but you’re still alone. You go to unpack the groceries from last night but they’re already put away. Another quiet visit.

“That’s kinda of rude, don’t you think?” You ask.

“Personally I think it’s incredibly fucking rude, but what do I know?” You reply.

“No, no,I definitely agree with you.” You say, opening the fridge to look for where everything has been put. “Especially because butter,” you grab a knob out of the box, “goes outside the fridge!” You tear off the paper and drop it onto a plate.

“Of course he’d put all the butter in the fridge, the fucking bastard.” You say jokingly. “He’s the exact type to not understand the needs of butter.”

You chuckle for a few seconds before you go quiet. You’re really laughing at something you told yourself, huh? That’s not what normal people do. Maybe you’re going crazy.

“You’re not crazy, dumbass.” You say in an obvious tone. “Social conventions are bullshit, everyone talks to themselves at least a little.”

You feel the need to add to your defense, “At least you’re not seeing stuff.”

Two more days pass and you start to feel more paranoid about the surveillance that surely is required for these quiet visits of Quentin’s. You’ve also been incredibly bored and anxious to do literally anything since day three, and now you’re getting tired of talking to yourself. Which is pretty fucking bad because you don’t have have anybody else at this point.

You’re eating a bowl of soup for lunch when you notice the bathroom door is closed. That’s weird, you think. it was definitely open a few seconds ago, you just came from the bathroom not ten minutes before. Setting the bowl down on the kitchen counter, you approach the bathroom door and let it swing open.

The bathroom is empty. You were certain you hadn’t closed it, but maybe you did and just didn’t realize it. The days all blend together now anyways, it’s not unreasonable to have done it without noticing.

You go back to your soup, picking it up off the table where you left it.

But you didn’t leave it there. You left it on the counter, didn’t you?

The metal door hasn’t opened since the groceries were delivered and put away last week. You’re certain of it. You even started showering with the bathroom door open so you’d be able to hear it.

You abandon the soup and start opening up cabinets. You open up every single cupboard, the pantry, the linen closet in the bathroom, you even open up all the drawers. You tuck the bed skirt up under the mattress so you can see under the bed. You find nothing but...

Something is in here with you. You don’t know if it’s Quentin, or a drone, or both, but there’s no fucking way you would think you placed the bowl on the counter unless you really did. You’re not sure how to proceed with this information.

You go to put the leftover soup in the fridge, and on the middle shelf at your eye-level is the plate with the butter on it. You calmly take it out and place it back on the counter.

“Like I said, a fucking bastard.” You say quietly.

You crawl into bed that night wary of your surroundings. Nothing has been moved since lunch, but you can’t shake the feeling that something else has changed. It’s something unconscious, you think. Like if the walls were suddenly two shades lighter than they were yesterday. There’s no way for you to prove something is different but you can sense it all the same.

You get underneath your trusty blanket and lie in the darkness. You want to fall asleep, even if it means that whatever is in here has the chance to do something. You can dream if you sleep, you can go be somewhere else and “talk” to people.

You are dreaming, but it’s a sea of images and sounds and sights. It feels like home and nowhere simultaneously, which was fine. You feel something crawling all over you, and when you look down, your body is covered in thick vines that have wrapped around your limbs.

You wake up flailing, inches down the bed from where you fell asleep. The covers are thrown off, your pajamas slouching down towards your left foot as if something had grabbed it to yank you off the bed.

These sort of peripheral out-of-sight visuals continue. Sometimes you feel breath on the back of your neck that belongs to no one, or feel the looming presence of a person inches away from you until you turn around to face an empty room. You know he has illusion technology, you know it must be him, but it feels so small and minuscule compared to what he’d usually do.

Maybe he’s trying to make you feel crazy, so you’ll run into his arms afraid you’re insane. Maybe you’re trying to make you feel crazy, accidentally.

You sleep again, this time waking up to sleep paralysis. You’ve never had it before now, at least that you can remember. You had dreamt of a weight on your chest, and something choking you with just enough pressure to make you lightheaded. You hallucinate that a rotting corpse is straddling and strangling you as you lie immobile, and when the paralysis leaves you you sob with relief.

Days melt again and sleep comes rarely. The times you do fall asleep you’re always jarred awake, that feeling of falling taking over. You fall asleep anxiously, your heart pounding slowly as if it’s preparing itself for more terror.

You step out of the shower one morning and in passing notice your obscured reflection in the bathroom mirror. Full of steam, your body is a blurry mass of flesh tone within its confines, but what catches your eye is a large, dark object directly behind you.

Breathing shallowly, you pick up a hand towel and slowly make your way to the surface of the mirror, before swiping quickly as if it startle the thing behind you first.

As you swipe away the steam, the visage disappears instantaneously. Whatever was behind you is no more. Paranoia begins to rear its head.

The night terrors and sleep paralysis are awful, the peripheral hallucinations as well, but nothing mentally prepares you for the dream you have.

It’s easy to write off the rest of these moments as Quentin’s doing, after all, he’s a master manipulator.

You’re running through the maze again. It’s still as dimly lit and damp as it was the day he forced you through it, but this time something has changed within you.

Quentin catches you with ease, just like last time. But when he grins, you grin back and catch his lips with a very open kiss, tongues working into each others’ mouths. You wanted him to catch you.

His Mysterio clones pin you to the wall and you moan, legs opening wide for the Quentin as they grab your arms. You’re not wearing panties, and Quentin groans approvingly as he kneels on the ground and buries his face in your sex, hiking your gown up past your hips. He rips the side seams, leaving you naked before the three men. The clones, rid of their helmets, bite at your neck and take turns kissing you messily.

Everywhere you look, everything you feel, is Quentin Beck. The two clones lean to kiss you at the same time, Quentin fucking you with his tongue as he eats you out. You get close and closer to climaxing when he pulls away suddenly and looks up at you, dragging his tongue against your clitoris torturingly slow.

“Fuck, please,” you gasped. “Please, I don’t want to cum yet.” Quentin slows his pace even more, his tongue hot and wet against you. The mysterios begin to tease your nipples with their fingers as they suck on your neck, one dipping down to use his mouth. You whine and squirm against them and the pleasure.

“I want you to fuck me, please.” You beg, stomach tightening from the impending orgasm.

Almost excitedly, Quentin pulls back and tugs his suit off, though his clones haven’t stopped their pace at all as if to keep you on edge. They’ve raised you further up the wall, Quentin nestling between your legs like he was made to be there.

He pushes into you and your entire body thrums with how good it feels. How good he feels.

“Fuck, you feel so fucking good sweetheart.” He groans. He sets an unrelenting pace, quick and hard.

You’ve devolved into a series of pleases and fucks and yeses, alternating between those words as he rubs your clit with one hand and grabs your hip with the other. His clones are whispering things to you, Quentin too.

“You gorgeous little thing, you’re ours and nobody else’s.” one says. “You’re such a good girl for us, sweetheart.”

“I’m gonna fuck you so hard they’ll have to carry you back, all fucked out from my cock.” Quentin says, “You’d like that, wouldn’t you baby?”

You nod, your entire body stimulated from the three of them. It would feel good to be spoiled that way, to be carried back and tucked in and away from everything else.

Quentin’s breathing has become ragged, his head resting in the crook of your neck as he thrusts harder and harder into you until he cums, your own orgasm following suit as the feeling of his release inside you pushes you over the edge.

You wake up sweating, underwear damp and proof of what had just transpired.

The one place Quentin couldn’t hurt you, and there he was, fucking you inside it. A wet dream to betray your hatred.

You know it’s impossible for him to know what just happened but you still feel ashamed and confused.

The shower water is hot, borderline unbearable, and you roughly wash your arousal out of yourself with your fingers. It did not happen. It couldn’t have happened. It will not have happened.

Various excerpts of the four of you play in your head every idle moment you afford your brain. It lurks behind every thought you process as if to remind you that it came from within your mind.

You push it away as much as you can, try to ignore the sinking feeling. Somewhere Carl Jung is preaching to a dead choir about wish fulfillment. Plenty of people have dreams about the things that happen to them, and it gets jumbled up and spit back out in their sleep as something contorted and wrong. You’re just processing the awfulness of this all, that’s all. Your brain is trying to make sense of this betrayal in the only way it knows how.

But it also makes sense considering what you and Quentin were, before. You can still remember how soft the first kiss between you two was, something tentative and sweet. He cupped your face that first time, stroking your cheek with his thumb like he was trying to remind himself you were real.

You’d fallen asleep in his arms, once. There was even an inkling of a future with him in your mind. Maybe that’s why you lash out so much. It’s true that what he has done is evil, but to be truthful you’re more scared and disgusted by yourself.

After everything, part of you wants to love him, the real him. Because he has to be in there somewhere, doesn’t he? You want to salvage this awful, terrible thing even after he tortured you. You wonder what there is to say about it. Perhaps it’s just you clinging to what little reality there is left, even if that reality is a false one.

The water has run cold. You turn the knobs to shut off the flow and wrap yourself in a towel. There’s a lot to think about. You dress silently, and say nothing as you stare at the television for a while.

“I’m not sure how much of this isolation I can take.” You whisper suddenly. “We’ve gone full to circle to having… that sort of dream after everything that’s occurred.” You say even quieter, “What if I’m starting to need someone?”

You look up from your seat on the bed at the television. “I think you’ll be okay.” You try to say reassuringly. “The nightmares aren’t so bad that you can’t sleep afterwards, you still have an appetite...” You trail off.

You nod, and bite your lip as tears start to fall. You have those things, for now. But even trying to be hopeful about things working out somehow just hurts in the end.

#cat and mouse

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thecandywrites · 3 years ago

Text

Blood For Gold Chapter 17

Did I plan this? No. Did my hand slip and write this and SURPRISE ME? HELL YEAH. And @punkhorse96 oh, I know, prestorm but the winds are picking up as that first twist in the clouds. But nothing pushes you to confront your feelings quite like having the object of your affections have a sudden change in health.

Blood For Gold

Chapter 17

“So what’s the plan tomorrow? More training?” Demsey guessed as you came back into the stables and he was in the extended stall with you and Heavencrest and Charlico, trying to figure out how to take Charlico’s saddle off as he watched what you were doing as he tried to imitate what you were doing since the saddles looked similar in most respects.

“Tomorrow is the Kamo because Kamoba means “feast and fight” in marinai, so it’s a feasting day, you’re meant to rest, eat, and get all the jitters out of your system and drink until all the stress of the competition leaves you and everything you’ve pent up over the course of training is released so you go into the competition with a clear head, a clean conscience, so no grudges or misgivings, or malicious intent towards any of the other competitors or anything. You should still do the stretches but only one set of drills to make sure you remember them correctly but that is only after breakfast but after that, you’re meant to eat and rest basically and not do anything that could endanger your performance the next day, so don’t get drunk where you will feel hungover the next day, party and have a good time, but not party so hard or hurt yourself partying so that your performance is hindered, like spraining an ankle or throwing your back out of alignment. Then the night before the event, there is the choli- it’s where we take the leftover paint from all the training sessions and throw it at each other, like one big paint fight and then spend the rest of the night scrubbing ourselves clean, because the part of the Kamoba battle traditions before the battle can even take place is mixing the paints fresh that day to make sure that nothing dangerous is added to the paints, like powders that make the paint explode when they’re stuck.” You answered.

“Oh gods, that’s been done before? To sabotage the paint?” Demsey asked.

“Yup, several times throughout history. That’s why none of the competitors have anything to do with the paint mixture and a vast array of tests are performed on the paints and all the weapons to keep actual bloodshed from happening between the competitors and no one can sabotage the weapons either. But all the competitors are meant to stay together to make sure no one accepts a bribe for losing or winning or whatever and competitors are not allowed to publically bet either on themselves or each other just in case that should sway the betting rings, however they can send to a betting house, under an assumed name or pseudonym, their own private bets to who they think will win, and simply leave an address to where to send the money if they win. But again, that’s meant to be a secret that no one else is to know. But just between you and me, I always bet on my grandma, always, but all of that has to be done the day before the battle, because after midnight tomorrow night, that’s the cut off time.” You confided as you dropped your voice down to a whisper.

“I see.” Demsey replied, keeping his voice down as well.

“Anyway, only the crowd is allowed to place their bets right before the battle and they only have their eyes, watching the final set of stretches and exercises to watch- to make such judgements before the battle. However, there is a private pool, or jackpot, or simply “pot” for short, that’s put together by all the competitors and tomorrow night, there will be a collection taken by the hosts, so Yalin should probably be the one to collect it and her and Gregori will keep it safe until there is a clear winner, usually you put in something that won’t hurt you to lose but that you don’t want to necessarily give it away for free, but you will be happy to get it back. I always put in something simple, like a small pocket knife or a piece of jewelry, or whatever, something that isn’t necessarily really that sentimental to me but has monetary value, enough that anyone would want to win it anyway, or you could just put in money, most men put in either money or daggers or watches or something like that if they are not moura themselves. But when you put it in, you’re supposed to announce what it is and what it’s worth and of course whoever puts in the least valuable thing, if you’re not the poorest of competitors and it’s not something you can afford to give then that’s seen as a sign that your whole heart won’t be in the battle, but if you put in the most expensive or the most important or the most coveted thing in there- that means that you will take everything personally, like it’s a personal attack rather than just a competition and again, you’ll be giving it more than all of your all and it would be too much of a temptation for you to try to cheat in some way so you wouldn’t chance losing that thing. Which is again, a red flag for the rest of us and it can be rejected by the group because you have to submit whatever it is to the group for it to be accepted, and if the whole group of competitors doesn’t trust that you either won’t play fair or won’t give it your all, you can be automatically rejected by the group, however there is one exception.” You explained as you held up a single finger.

“Once you start fighting in Kamoba, that item that you put up, if you end up winning, you have to put up that same item over and over again until you either retire, or lose and the item is lost to someone else. My grandmother always puts in “the dagger”. Which has been put into every battle she has fought and she has only lost it twice but won it back in the next komoba battle she fought. The dagger itself, has been passed down in the family over generations and predates the current rules, the old rules were, you put in your favorite object into the pool. Which was the old rules fifty years ago. But my grandmother is unchanged, she will still put in the dagger and the dagger is priceless, because the Sultan who had it commissioned for his favorite wife, his kingdom no longer stands and the techniques used in it’s creation no longer exist, that’s how old and special this thing is. So she is the only one who puts in something priceless. But no one else. But her dagger alone is world renowned, like that dagger is in every portrait she has ever had done of herself. Like if she continued to be undefeated, she will probably be buried with that dagger.” You revealed.

“Most mouras in Dorierra, have special daggers especially made just for the Kamoba battles, but they use it the day before to cut up their meat and eat with it to use it one last time before they would lose it. So as it stands, my grandmother has hundreds of thousands of daggers, but each one, she keeps in a special room with the name of who she defeated to gain it. Once she passes, she has instructed for it all to be displayed in a museum in Dorierra, along with her portraits as her legacy. And that dagger- comes with world class bragging rights. Honestly I have only held it once and it felt like I was holding the weapon of a god, like I had the power of multiple worlds in my hand and I was a mortal who had no business even looking at it and I was always too scared to even touch it after that because I think I was like, 11 or 12 when I got to hold it. My grandma claims that it is just a dagger, it’s just metal and precious stones and nothing more. But the illusion that it is more than what it seems, always tips things in her favor because I have seen competitors just take one look at it and get intimidated just from looking at the dagger and then completely lose their nerve when they face off against her. She can be really sweet out of the Kamoba arena. She turns into almost a literal viper in it though and she doesn’t hold back or pull her punches.” You warned him.

“And what about you? What do you turn into?” Demsey asked thoughtfully.

“My grandmother calls me The Turquoise Phoenix, because that is my favorite color and the color I always choose during the day battles to paint my weapons with. She says that I am like a phoenix because there have been several times where everyone thought I was beat for sure but I seemed to rise from my own ashes and win at the last moment.” You answered. “Also I always put a piece of turquoise jewelry into the pot, so if it’s turquoise, it’s most likely mine.” You shrugged as you managed to get the saddle off of Heavencrest and carry it over to the saddle stand as Demsey did the same, both of you walking side by side to where the saddles for the griffins were kept as Grevu was still in his tent and the end of the barn as he humphed sulking-ly at you once you came into view.

“Oh I know! Axal didn’t go flying tonight so you had to stay here, I’m sorry, next time we go flying and Axal doesn’t go, I’ll ride you instead of Heavy, how’s that? I’m sorry you missed out.” You offered to Grevu as you came over to him after you put your saddle away and stroked his nose as he sniffed you and gently touched his nose to your lower abdomen and sniffed in deeply then cleaned his nose out, blowing snot onto your legs.

“Do I need to change my underwear or what? You and Heavy keep sniffing me there, it’s making me self conscious, but thanks, apparently I needed dragon snot on my outfit, I’m happy you could provide that for me.” You sarcastically complained in almost a mocking thankful tone as you brought his nose up to your face before you kissed his nose and scratched under his chin and grinned when he churred happily and set his chin on your shoulder before moving his head around to where he wanted to be scratched, like around his horns.

“Oooh, you poor Bay-bey, no one loves you, or gives you any attention, do they? No. You’re just so ignored and neglected.” You cooed to Grevu in your best cooing baby talk voice as Grevu narrowed his eyes at you before he blew his nose out at your face, covering your face and chest in little beads of blue dragon snot.

“Thanks a lot Grevu, thanks, that’s all I needed to make my day complete, you fat rat with wings.” You thanked him as you unzipped your jacket to take the shirt you were wearing and tried to wipe off your face at least as you made a face at how disgusting it smelled.

“Thanks, I’m gonna need another bath tonight, thanks for that. That’s gonna stick in my hair. I'm gonna have to wash my hair twice to get it out, at least, maybe three times.” You complained sarcastically.

“You brat, you’re lucky you’re so cute.” You teased as you playfully batted his nose away before he actually coughed, but at Demsey before Demsey was covered in a giant blue lougie which made you erupt into laughter as you had dodged and missed most of it but Demsey hadn’t seen it coming and just barely had his eyes closed before he was completely plastered in dragon snot.

“What did I do?!” Demsey asked as he just stood and looked at himself and tried not to gag as you laughed even harder.

“This smells like rotten guts, what did you eat?” Demsey asked Grevu who did the dragon’s equivalent of laughing.

“It smells like old...either a cow or old horse or old donkey or something like that, definitely something from a barnyard, and definitely guts.” You guessed as you urged Demsey away and out of the barn as he took big wide steps to try to let most of it, drip, slide and fall off of him before the rest of your family found you and started laughing just as the smell of whatever it was started affecting you and Demsey at about the same time and you both started gagging before you both threw up right there on the lawn which got everyone to stop laughing as Axal was sent for once you started throwing up in the last light of dusk and the grass turned from green- to purple which caused everyone alarm.

“Oh no, send for a doctor. I know the rules of Kamoba means that none of the competitors can take anything to help them but clearly this is an exception right?” Axal asked his family who all readily agreed.

“Get Dr. Wen Shi Chu, he’s my doctor, I only want him to treat me.” You insisted as you laid down in the grass and clutched your middle, the darkness of dusk still highlighting the fact that your vomit was turning the grass a dark indigo violet. But clearly you were much more affected than Demsey was, because once the dragon snot was washed away from him, thankfully he was in flying leathers so it wiped off, and once it was washed away, he was fine, but you seemed to be taking this much harder than he was and affected much more gravely as you continued to vomit, more and more indigo violet puke pouring out of you before your father picked you up and carried you to your rooms after others had tried to wipe the dragon snot off of you too.

“Put me in a bathtub, I feel I’m going to be making a mess tonight.” You urged them as your mother helped strip you out of your flying leathers as you got into the tub but didn’t throw up any further, just laid in the fetal position and clutched your middle as you were instantly in agony.

“Really? Right before a Kamoba battle you cough a loogie on Audra and Demsey and get them sick?” Axal asked his dragon as he waited for Dr. Wen Shi Chu to arrive as Grevu simply turned his back to Axal and farted in Axal’s direction before the smell made Axal start vomiting too.

“Oh you fucking brat! Just because I didn’t take you flying, you throw a fit?!” Axal yelled reproachfully at Grevu between hurls himself as he made it back to the house before his other brothers noticed he was sick and helped him back to his own room just before Dr. Wen Shi Chu arrived as he was brought to your room first.

“What happened?” He asked.

“She and Duke Demsey Voyambi were petting Axal’s dragon Grevu after their evening ride, Grevu snorted snot on her and coughed up more snot on Demsey and made them both vomit and when Axal went to confront Grevu, Grevu apparently farted on him and made him sick as well.” Your mother told him.

“Ah, temperamental dragons, what has the dragon been eating?” Dr. Wen Shi Chu, who simply went by Dr. Chu- asked.

“You’d have to ask the stable hands.” Your mother answered.

“For now, Lady Audra, drink this, it will settle your stomach and steady you.” Dr. Wen offered as he went into his case and took out a vial before you looked from it to your mothers and grandmothers.

“But what about the Kamoba rule of competitors not taking any medicine to improve their health?” You asked them.

“This is obviously a special case, and does not apply, since three competitors have been affected and not just one.” Your grandmother, Loreiris insisted which your mothers readily nodded their agreement to that sentiment before you took the vial and drank it down.

“It should help for now until I have further medication to combat exactly what the dragon ate.” Dr. Chu offered.

“If such bodily functions from a dragon are inhaled or ingested, it can lead to intense sickness, depending on how much was ingested,” Dr. Chu offered to your family.

“They all know about the mourkatili.” You informed Dr. Chu.

“Ah then they will know that you will be the most affected by it and will need the most medicine to keep you stabilized.” He offered.

“Of course.” Your mothers and grandmothers readily agreed before Dr. Wen went and attended to Axal and Demsey, who by now had seemed to recover and returned to the group, but both of them were most anxious to hear how you were faring.

“Because Lady Audra has had mourkatili in her system, her body has been harmed, and because of this, she will need the most medicine and the most intensive care. I understand a Kamoba battle is to take place and she is a competitor, she may need to bow out of the competition.” Dr. Chu advised everyone.

“If that is her choice. But I am perfectly fine with her taking any and all medicine to steady and fortify her and such medical intervention will be allowed and accepted if she is to compete or not, her health is of most importance, screw the Kamoba and it’s traditions right now.” Your grandmother, LoreIris insisted.

“Agreed.” Everyone echoed.

“Then take me to the dragon and bring me to who has been feeding him and I need to know all that the dragon has ingested and I will need to take samples of everything for testing.” Dr. Chu insisted before he was brought around and a light was brought out and when Dr. Chu saw the purple of the grass, he stopped everyone from moving or getting any closer.

“Lady Audra is continuing to purge the mourkatili. You will note it by it’s sweet smell, like violets and it’s violet color, Grevu’s bodily fluids are trying to heal her and he may have tried to affect the other two to bring more attention to the matter, he may have sensed her sickness and is just trying to help, let no one or nothing touch the violet grass, it must be dug up and all the dirt a half a meter underneath it, must be dug up, all do this must wear protective gear and it all must be burned immediately. Or it will kill otherwise.” Dr. Chu advised before Gregori readily ordered for just such measures to be done and then some.

“Ah, Great Grevu, I Dr. Wen Shi Chu bow in respect, I wish to examine you.” Dr. Chu bowed to Grevu as Grevu lifted his head and then got up and turned around to face Dr. Chu and then laid down to face Dr. Chu and bowed his head in turn.

“Were you trying to heal Lady Audra?” Dr. Chu asked as Grevu nodded yes.

“And did you try to bring attention to her sickness by affecting her brother and Duke Voyambi?” Dr. Chu asked as Grevu nodded yes again.

“Very good! He needs to be rewarded, a fine bull this time, no more old and sick animals, for that is what has made them all sick. Many people forget that dragons need dragon fruit, dragon nut, dragon weed, dragon flower, dragon mushroom, and dragon herbs in their diet. All Grevu has had in his diet has been meat and whole, old animals, he needs variety to maintain a balanced diet. You are a royal family, you have all these things, yes?” Dr. Chu asked Yalin and Gregori.

“Well, actually, no- because we’ve never had a dragon with us before so we don’t...have any of that. I don’t think.” Yalin confessed.

“That is ok, I keep a greenhouse at my house, I grow such things, I will have them delivered as soon as possible, but for now, I will need to focus on Lady Audra and get her through the night, if she continues to vomit and give way to her digestive powers, she will be too sick for months to come, she can become dehydrated, and possibly die from such dehydration and will be unable to do anything and may fall back into a deep depression, all efforts and focus must be on her at this time.” Dr. Chu advised before he wrote down directions for his household and sent for his wife to bring the proper medicine before he returned to your room as others came and sat down all around you and silently prayed for your recovery.

“Well this is one way to celebrate the start of the Kamo.” Benny tried to joke which got you to huff a laugh.

“Yeah, this is the greatest one yet.” You sarcastically agreed as you laid in the tub in your night dress but nothing else as a blanket was brought and laid over you as well as a pillow so that you were at least comfortable before Dr. Chu’s wife came with the medicines her husband asked for as well as the plants needed as she soaked cloths in special tea made from dragon weed and dragon fruit and dragon flower and wrapped it around your wrists and hands, ankles and feet and head and chest.

“Just like old times?” You tried to joke with her once she laid the last damp cloth on your forehead as she had you swish out the remaining mourkatili remaining in your mouth with special tea and dumped the light violet colored liquid down the toilet.

“Yes, just like old times.” Lady Chu agreed before she had you drink the rest of the tea once she added some honey and mint to improve the taste and settle your stomach and once your nausea subsided you were picked up, out of the bathtub and laid in bed as Dr. Chu gave you some medicine for sleep.

“Let her sleep as long as she needs, she will need at least ten hours of it, if not twelve, but no more than 14 or 15 because if she sleeps that long, she may end up going into a coma and it may be a few weeks before we can wake her up again but the chances of that happening are very small, one in...one in like a hundred so small chance but still a chance. Now the chances of her waking up in just 9 to 11 hours is very high, like 90 in 100 chances, there can’t be that much mourkatili left in her system now. But when she wakes up, give her anything she is hungry for, her body will know what it needs. If she is to purge again in the morning, have her drink this and she knows how to make this tea and this tonic, simply add the powdered tonic to hot water and the tea into a clean teapot full of hot water also, to steep for several minutes, have her drink the tonic first and the tea second and she should be fine, for now, let her rest in peace.” Dr. Chu prescribed.

“I will stay with her.” Almost everyone insisted in unison.

“No, only one or two, no more, for her sake.” Lady Chu answered.

“I am her mother, I will stay.” Your mother Jodhaa, decided.

“And I am her twin, I will stay too.” Axal insisted.

“Dem...Demsey, how is Demsey?” You asked as you fought to hang onto consciousness as your eyes tried to close as you felt them trying to cement themselves closed as you barely had the strength to roll your head from side to side, but otherwise it felt like your body was made of lead and sleep was dragging you down like a stone in the ocean.

“He is already recovered, I attended to him myself, he is orc, very strong young man, not nearly as affected as you, Grevu gave you the blue healing snot to purge your system of the rest of the mourkatili.” Dr. Chu reassured you.

“Oh good, I was most..most worried...about him. Axal, don’t, don’t stay, Ramsey needs you, let, let Calla stay and mom, don’t stay, stay with dad, I’ll be fine. Trust Dr. Chu, he is the best doctor..in the world, him and his wife.” You whispered before you practically fell unconcious as everyone seemed to give each other a meaningful look and knowing grin as Dr. Chu and his wife beamed proud smiles as the others obeyed your wishes.

“How long have you been treating my daughter?” Your mother Jodhaa asked Dr. Chu curiously as Calla left to get her night clothes to stay with you as the others saw Dr. Chu and his wife out as all of them tried giving something to Dr. Chu and his wife for their services to you.

“Ah for about a year, she sought me out with the mourkatili, I have been treating her intensively ever since. The first six months after she became a widow, we had to wean her off the mourkatili so she would not become an addict and the cold cut off would not drive her to madness and then spend another three months purging her body, I thought we had gotten all we could, but obviously the dragon wanted the rest of it out. Whatever is left in her body should be purged from her body in the morning, it seems a dragon will see to it that it will be finished from where I started. I am most grateful to the dragon as all of you should be too. Dragons often get dismissed as only being animals by most these days instead of being revered like the little gods they are and believe themselves to be. He must have known for Audra to be at her full strength, she needed to purge the rest of it, today apparently. Dragons always choose auspicious times, for us in the moment it may seem inconvenient, but in hindsight, it will be the perfect timing. By tomorrow night, I feel safe in predicting she will be back to her old self, the self you all once knew.” Dr. Chu advised as everyone smiled and blew out their sighs of relief as soon word spread as Charlotte also secretly reported the new development to her grandmother who seemed relieved to hear it and offered her own private wishes and prayers for your recovery as Dr. Chu and his wife returned home.

Demsey seemed relieved to hear the news but he was weary to believe such a thing, it seemed too good to be true as he laid in bed and wanted nothing more than to make sure you were ok as the overwhelming urge to protect you seemed to course through his viens as rest elluded him and panic gripped his soul as his better judgement told him that he needed to see you with his own eyes before got dressed at least in pants and found the secret passage to your room, but was surprised to see it was being guarded by Axal and Ramsey.

“What are you doing here?” Ramsey asked Demsey.

“I...I just wanted to see with my own eyes that Audra is ok.” Demsey confessed as Axal let a crooked grin hike up a corner of his mouth.

“Yeah, sure, come on,” Axal invited as he let Demsey into the room as Calla sat up in bed at hearing the door open.

“It’s just us, Demsey just wanted to make sure Audra was alight with his own eyes.” Axal said.

“Yes, she’s sleeping very deeply. My brothers as well as Benny’s are guarding her door and the hallway to make sure no one comes in or out and I’m sure the rest of Audra’s brothers will be there in the secret passage sooner than later.” Calla revealed as she waived Demsey over to where you still sleeping like an angel there in the bed, your slow, steady, even breathing came through your nose.

“Why the high security?” Demsey asked as he kneeled next to your bed and dared to pick up your hand and hold it, making sure it was still warm and still had life left in it and once he established the touch, the panic and anxiety in his own chest immediately melted away but is possessive protectiveness seemed to be stronger than ever as he didn’t want to leave your side now.

“We wanted to make sure Audra and her medicine were kept safe from tampering with. But one of her last words as she held onto consciousness was concern for how you were faring.” Calla informed him as she tried to keep her scheming grin to herself but her and Axal still shared a meaningful look.

“She’s...an angel.” Was all Demsey could bring himself to say before your other brothers knocked on the secret door and Demsey stood up but couldn’t bring himself to let go of your hand.

“He just wanted to make sure she was ok.” Axal told his half brothers.

“Good, We will be taking shifts all night to make sure she is ok and nothing is tampered with.” Ocerian insisted.

“Ramsey and I will take the first shift.” Axal insisted.

“Can I take part in the shifts?” Demsey asked hopefully, even though by now, he felt his feet practically plant themselves into the floor.

“Can you stay up for the next three hours?” Axal asked.

“No problem, I wouldn’t be able to sleep otherwise.” Demsey insisted as he let go of your hand to get a chair and bring it to your bedside.

“Then Ramsey and I will take the hallway.” Axal agreed before the rest of your brothers and half brothers decided on which shifts they wanted to take and shut the door before the same came to pass among Benny and Calla’s brothers in the hallway outside your bedroom door.

“Demsey, a word of advice.” Calla said as she settled into the bed as Demsey once again picked up your hand to hold it reverently from his spot as he sat down and leaned his elbows on his knees to be as close to you as he could.

“Starting now, do not continue to hide your attraction, affection or attachment to Audra. It is only because she expressed concern for you before she passed out that you were even let into the room because we all knew that Audra would find it comforting when she wakes up. Otherwise, you would have been sent away. It is not lost on anyone, and we all could see that the Dauphin and Dauphine were your only obstacles to her and our understanding of English customs culture, as limited as it is, was our only reason for not interfering either, and now that those have been removed. It is expected you respond in kind. Do not disappoint Audra, she deserves better than she has been getting. It is her own honor that has kept her away from you at the ball at Heavenfield because she believed you were already attached and whoever else has kept your heart and mind from her, you need to make the choice right here and now, who is more important, Audra or whoever else it is. Audra has already rid herself of any and all other obstacles and if she has to make it any clearer to you that she wants to be pursued by you, we are all going to think you were dropped on your head as a baby and are now retarded.” Calla insisted as Demsey nearly snorted snot onto you from snickering a laugh and had to use his free hand to cover up his nose and mouth to keep that from happening.

“Message received loud and clear. I just didn’t want to come on too strongly or too quickly, because that’s what Ramsey had done at the ball and he obviously crashed and burned and I did not want to scare her off, so I thought a more subtle approach would be wise.” Demsey replied.

“Well, yes, true as that may be. Enough of it. We’re all getting impatient. Audra included, but she has become too proper in the English sense to say anything but she is getting weary from restraining herself.” Calla revealed.

“Well when she recovers from this, I will clear the air and set this matter straight with her and make my intentions known in the most clear, direct and forthcoming way possible.” Demsey pacified.

“Oh just pin her up against a wall and kiss her, that’ll do you just fine.” Calla waived off as she turned and pillowed your head with her arm so she could feel if you would move as she cuddled into your side as Demsey huffed a laugh even though his smile was practically dreamy.

“Oh you think I’m joking, I’m serious.” Calla insisted.

“Oh no, I believe you.” Demsey reassured her.

“If she wakes up and returns to her old self again, you may not recognize her though. But at the same time, she has been sorely missed, and we would all be happy to have the old Audra back, I wish you could have met her at her strongest. She was always a force to be reckoned with and always fun and delightful to be around and her energy was that of a child at the first snowfall, eager to leave the house to play in it. And she just radiated happiness and bright sunshine and it’s like her sunshine has been hidden behind a thick fog on a cloudy day this whole time, but tonight it felt like it was just about to lift, and then this happened, we will just have to wait and see.” Calla said sleepily before she seemed to fall asleep herself before Demsey brought your hand up to his mouth to kiss the back of it sweetly and noticed a blank journal and got up and got brought the little bedside table closer to himself and grabbed a pen and decided to write it all down, all of his feelings and his intent, all of it as he happily did this to keep himself awake as he could hear Axal and Ramsey continue to be intimate behind the hidden door which caused him to roll his eyes and shake his head but at the same time, he was relieved that Ramsey was the way he was so that he dismissed himself from you.

“Word’s written down mean nothing without those same words said or those thoughts put into action.” Calla said from her place next to you in the bed, the scratching of the pen writing on the paper waking her up a few pages later as she didn’t even bother to open her eyes.

“I know, go to sleep Calla.” Demsey answered as he already had to refill the reservoir of ink in the pen itself since he had already used up what was in it the first time.

“That’s sister Calla to you.” Calla sassed with a smug grin and a dreamy smile of her own.

“Of course, how could I make such a mistake, Sister.” Demsey retorted with a fond grin of his own before she seemed to settle back into sleep.

The three hours practically flew by like the blink of an eye before Ocearian and Zax came for the second shift as Leumeni came inside the room and was pleasantly surprised to see Demsey in the room as Demsey had slid the notebook under your pillow right as he heard your other brothers in the secret hallway.

“Here to take the second shift?” Demsey asked.

“Yup.” Leumeni confirmed, rubbing what little sleep he had gotten from his eyes as Calla had woken up just a little to witness the change as Demsey left through the passage as Axal himself escorted Demsey back to his own room before going back Ramsey’s room where Octavia and Drina were already fast asleep in Ramsey’s bed as Ramsey happily got in and cuddled with Octavia to get some much needed sleep as Ramsey came in and did the same with Drina so that the guys framed the girls in the oversized bed.

“And?” Leumeni asked Calla.

“He spent practically the whole time writing Audra what was surely the longest and most wordy love letter ever.” Calla answered as she tried to fall back asleep.

“Where is it? I would have thought such a thing would be draped over her like a blanket.” Leu noted as he sat down the chair that Demsey had vacated.

“Knowing him? Under her pillow.” Calla said before she felt under the pillows and found the journal and moved it to be between her own and Audra’s to keep it protected from other prying eyes.

“Oh how gentlemanly of him.” Leumeni chuckled.

“Poor thing. I can’t imagine what kind of frustrations he has pent up.” Calla smiled as she settled back into a good sleeping position as Leumeni raspberried in a scoff.

“I can’t imagine how full his balls must be, since childhood probably, he has to tuck them into his boots.” Leumeni teased, finally being free to make such candid and crude jokes which got Calla to snort a laugh.

“I’m surprised yours aren’t dragging on the floor and will be until you can propose to Kiera and finally unload into her, poor thing will fill up like a balloon.” Calla tossed right back.

“They’re about to be, but the wait will be worth it. She may live in a very strict “polished” society but she is the kind of rebellious wild thing underneath, I can’t wait to see her go practically feral.” Leumeni smiled fondly which got Calla to smile too.

“Heaven forbid she learn of your previous attachment to Audra, she might just go so feral, she’ll go full shield maiden. She’s the jealous type.” Calla murmured.

“Yeah, I’d give everything for all those letters I wrote Audra to never see the light of day, honestly.” Leumeni confessed.

“Well, nothing has been produced yet, and if they haven’t been given up yet, I doubt they ever will.” Calla speculated.

“Gods I hope so.” Leumeni said as he changed how he was sitting in the chair to be more comfortable.

“Good night Leu, watch over her medicine.” Calla instructed sleepily before she dozed off again.

Come morning, after getting exactly 11 and a half hours of sleep, you were surprised to see your heir father in the room, half dozing off as he sat in the chair next to the bed.

“Father?” You asked when you awoke and noticed Calla was practically drooling next to you as she continued to sleep herself.

“Goodmorning Sweetheart. How do you feel?” He asked.

“Uh, groggy, what are you doing here?” You asked him.

“Watching over you, the whole, entire family as well as Calla and her brothers and Benny and her brothers took turns watching over you, to make sure you were not disturbed or that your medicine was not tampered with.” He answered.

“We are in the Palace of Windsor, I doubt…” you began to voice before your heir father gave you a look.

“Yeah, you’re right, better safe than sorry. Uh, can you, call for some hot water?” You requested.

“Of course.” He agreed before he got up and went to the door and told his own sons the order as they readily left their post to deliver the message to the kitchens.

“Everyone watched over me?” You asked.

“Everyone, even the Voyambi’s got involved, I heard that Demsey took this spot on the first watch. Didn’t sleep a wink until Leumeni took his place.” Your heir father reported.

“Even when he was affected…?” You asked.

“You were the only one really affected, Demsey and Axal only threw up once and were much better after. But Dr. Chu, he came and told us that Grevu noticed you still had mourkatili in you and his spit spurned you to purge whatever was left in you out because he was able to imbue the spit with some kind of magic as only dragons still can I guess. That’s why the grass where you threw up in the yard turned violet. It was all dug up and burned just to be safe so that it wouldn’t hurt anyone else. Apparently this medicine will finish it for good.” Sylvar reported.

“He affected Demsey and Axal to bring attention to it.” You realized as you laid back in bed and stretched but smiled fondly.

“Why he would have chosen now of all times though, he could have done that when he first came.” You noted as you frowned in confusion.

“Grevu probably had little opportunity, we haven’t been able to ride since they first came.

“That is true, he must have sensed it that first time but waited until the next opportunity and last night was the first opportunity.” You realized.

“I called him a bratty rat with wings for blowing snot on me.” You admitted.

“Well he is that.” Sylvar nodded in agreement before there was a gentle knock on the door and a maid came in with a morning tea service but had not added the tea leaves to the hot water.

“Thank you, please report to the household that I survived the night just fine and am obviously awake.” You told her.

“Yes my Lady.” She curtsied and left the room as you turned and put your legs over the bed and began the preparations to the tea and the medicinal tonic left behind by Dr. Chu.

“Your strength and resilience has never ceased to amaze me.” Your heir father praised you.

“Thank you.” You thanked him graciously as your face fell.

“Why does this displease you?” He asked.

“Honestly, I’m tired of people telling me how strong I am, how resilient I am, how many hits I can take while still being able to survive the blows, each hit that didn’t kill me did not make me stronger, all it did was just hurt me more, nothing more than that, other than to make me bleed more. It would have been so much easier to give in and just let it kill me, at least I would have been dead and therefore numb to everyone’s disappointment.” You confessed plainly as you braced yourself for the tonic and blew on it to try to cool it down before grimacing as you drank it down before trying to chase it down by eating a scone.

“You’re right. You can start now if you wish, bow out of the Kamoba battle and never get hit again.” Sylvar offered.

“Now let’s not get crazy.” You put your hand up in a stopping motion.

“But if memory serves me right, this tea will make my close proximity to a toilet most important and I want my privacy to bear that particular burden.” You offered as you then poured the now steeped tea out of the little tea pot and filled the same teacup you used for the tonic.

“Of course.” He agreed before he got out of the chair and kissed the crown of your head before he saw himself out before the tea and the tonic seemed to have an immediate effect as you hastily got up and went to the toilet of the bathroom in your room and sat down and began to have a very intense bowel movement and what felt like your period, but it was in one solid chunk of blood, that bled purple into the water of the toilet bowl but after you passed it, you bled no further but at the same time, you were relieved and happy that because it bled no more and nothing purple was left in that part of your body, that your womb was now restored to you which made you smile in relief as a few grateful tears came to your eyes, before another bout of powerful bowel movements passed and you felt five stone lighter.

“Wow, ok then,” you muttered as once you finished you quickly flushed it and went back to the bed and forced yourself to finish the tea before Calla stirred awake.

“Good morning.” You greeted her.

“Good morning.” She greeted you sleepily.

“How do you feel?” She asked.

“Well, I just had the dump like the orcs of old, when they used to crap out the tomb meat and the farway bread.” You answered her.

“And was it violet?” She asked.

“It sure was.” You confirmed.

“Good. Oh there’s something, that once you return to yourself, read what is in the journal under your pillow. I think you’ll find it most interesting and exciting to read.” Calla insisted as she grasped the journal under your pillow and pushed it towards you.

“It should be blank.” You frowned.

“It is blank no more.” Calla smiled in delight before she got out of bed and put a robe on.

“I”m glad you made it through, when you’re done crapping your guts out, come down to breakfast and get them refilled.” She urged you as you sat there and looked from her to the journal curiously.

But just before you could try to open there was another knock on the door. And you quickly shoved it under your pillow again when your half sisters, your mothers and grandmothers were there, in their morning robes to check on you.

“How are you feeling?” Your mother asked.

“Uh, I’ve already drank the tonic and the tea, if you can have someone bring me a breakfast of just simple breads, butters, honey, maybe some eggs, maybe some sausage, but not anything really spicy, the tea is making my closeness to a toilet an absolute necessity until it can run through me.

“Ah, of course, of course,” they readily agreed before they hugged you before you had to interrupt them to run to the bathroom again.

“Well, we should be letting her have her privacy.” Your mother urged them but stayed behind to watch over you herself.

“Anyone else still in here?” You called out.

“Just me Addie.” Your mother called to you.

“Hey, I’m gonna be in here for a while, there’s a journal under my pillow, could you bring it to me so I’m not bored out of my mind?” You requested as curiosity was eating you to see who had written what in it.

“Of course,” she readily agreed as she got it and came into the bathroom just as the last of the mourkatili left you as your hair made the most amazing transformation right before her eyes. Which made her drop the journal on the ground as she gasped and yelled before your other female family members came rushing back into the room and then the bathroom to where your mother was standing the doorway, frozen in shock.

“Audra?!” They yelled.

“What?” You asked your mother as they all came into the bathroom to see you sitting on the toilet as the change continued to take place in your hair as they all gasped as they stared at you in shock and awe.

“What? What is it?” You asked them before your half sister went and got a little mirror and brought it to you.

You gasped in astonishment as you looked at yourself and touched your hair to look at how it was still transforming in front of your eyes.

“Call for Dr. Chu!” You yelled at them before they practically tripped over each other trying to get out of there and out of the room quickly before Amara, Kiera and little Callie came rushing in the moment they left to still see you on the toilet, holding the mirror as you stared at your reflection before they saw you and gasped themselves.

“Don’t say anything! Not to anyone! Especially to Demsey!” You pleaded.

#Blood For Gold #Blood For Gold Chapter 17 #regency era orc period drama #regency era orcs #moura #mouras #orcs #orc reader insert

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