#to be alive is to feel pain yeah?
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it literally would have cost Aperture zero dollars to not make everything in their facility self aware and capable of feeling physical pain and existential dread.
#portal 2#portal#it wasnt cool enough to just ruin the environment of likely a large chunk of michigan they had to make a new techno-ecosystem to torment#something about humans anthropomorphizing everything but like. in an evil way. that hurts the objects.#do you think the company rationale behind it was to give the facility a “human interface”#or perhaps to more easily psychologically control the fairly powerful machines?#to be alive is to feel pain yeah?#junuve says things
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I think JJK going on break after the last chapter is a bit cruel. This is nerve-wracking. We still have 3 chapters left and so many things can happen there. 268 feels too good to be true and the title is weird.
I'm not sure what is the right translation and I don't have access to raws. Right now, it's 268 title is "Finale" or "Conclusion" but I heard from someone that it can be also be read as "Curtains".
If it can be read as "Curtains", then it could be a reference to "final curtains". The problem is JJK has its own version of "Curtains", right? Idk what to think.
Gosh I wish it was “Curtains”. The chapter title is 決着 (Kecchaku) which means settlement/conclusion/end.
For example, at the end of an extremely brutal fight in Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, Jolyne screams “Kechakuuuuuuu!” (決着ゥゥーーーッ!!) (It's actually a small Jojo meme in the JP fandom.) This got translated as "Game set!"
I love the localization they used for this since that entire battle was like struggling in arcade mode for a fighting game.
Anyways, in the context of JJK, especially since this has been a literal Sukuna Gauntlet and the previous chapter had the “Ringing the bell on a long fight.” editor’s comment, I don’t think there’s an ambiguous way to read Kecchaku. The Curtain/Veil kanji in JJK is 帳 (Tobari). (Though if there’s some fancy wordplay I’m missing please let me know.)
However…I would kneel before Gege if this was an elaborate trick by Sukuna—him giving Yuji delusions of a happy ending only to yank it away last second. It’s very hard to make characters feel familiar but slightly off on purpose for misdirection. That kind of tonal control is something I praise Umineko for. (Dungeon Meshi does it excellently for the shapeshifter scene.)
But that is pure copium I think. Sometimes otherwise good media just fumbles the endings. (Not an example of good media, but I was around for the Secret BBC Sherlock Season 4 Ending meltdown so I’m not too hopeful about a turnaround.) I personally blame the JP work culture/crunch since a lot of modern mangas have rushed endings due to burnout/unfair contracts.
I think the most heartbreaking examples of this phenomenon for me are The Owl House and Moral Orel. Those shows still stick the landing imo, but the creators are very open about how studio interference forced them to condense everything. You can feel that suffocation in the final episodes. Everything is just slightly off and you know it would be better if the creators were allowed their breathing room.
#Things that shouldn’t have activated my Jojo sleeper knowledge.#Moral Orel is really good btw. If you were raised Protestant it will come for your throat.#I never thought a little white boy would have my exact religious trauma.#But yeah. Everything is too happy right now. After getting through something that traumatic you don’t just bounce back instantly.#None of these kids were taught how to grieve properly. So them acting like the fight did nothing to them is…not something I like.#The tone should be more bittersweet not. ''Our sensei died violently for our sake lmao!''#This is something Yuji would feel guilty for. Both him and Nobara would cry a bit. Megumi would be trying to bottle it up.#I can say that with confidence because that's how they've handled previous deaths.#Yuji cried over transfigured humans ffs. Like why aren't these deaths upsetting him? (It would make sense if Gojo+Higu were alive though.)#The light novels did a much better job of the trio trying to be goofy through the pain.#You can tell they’re struggling but they still chase joy.#That’s a reason why JJK connects so well with me. Despite all the trauma they can still strive for a different kind of happiness.#This current tone is more like. ''Look you can just quickly get over it with the right mindset and go back to the way things were!''#Which completely contradicts the themes/characterization. And the massive tonal dissonance that creates... It has to be a fake out.#Or it’s just what happens when you crunch a creator. Guess we’ll see.#jjk 268#jjk spoilers#asks#jujutsu kaisen#jjk asks
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thinking about how much worse my pain used to be like holy SHIT. its gotten so much better in the last couple years and im so relieved. how did i LIVE genuinely it was so bad
#well the real answer is a) i lived bc i had to b) i was barely alive#my fatigue was so bad and my pain was so bad#holy shit i just remembered#pretty much every night. from my knees down. i would feel this SEARING pain like actually burning. i havent felt that in so long#now its like a dull ache all the time which yeah sucks#but i can ignore it. i can actually ignore it sometimes.#and then the ndph!!! i havent gotten a migraine in almost 3 months!!!#ive needed to take headache meds at school one time!!! this school year!!!!#only once!!!! thats huge for me!!!!!#i stopped eating poultry and gluten which sucks bc i love poultry and i love gluten#but wow do i feel so much better#ALSO PREGABALIN I LOVE YOUUUU PREGABALIN BEST MEDICATION EVER !!!!!!!!!!!!! <33#boycritter et al
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I know it's probably been pointed out already, but the fact that music only plays in Nimona when she's transformed/comfortable. All the chase scenes. Her cooking at the lair. The dance party.
The soundtrack is the sound of Nimona being alive.
#we all know the story of the painful agony of the trans#what about the discomfort of the trans?#the little mundane feeling of not quite right#you know that moment right before you sneeze? It's like that#also the fact that the flashback has gloriana's song#not Nimona's usual genre but something soft and sweet#and then that song still playing when.#yeah.#Because Nimona has taken the sound of her being alive and decided the only way to take control is to end it#the trans GRIEF and the trans JOY in this movie#nimona#nimona movie#nimona film#nimona netflix
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why is every three days grace song about saw
#like#i see pictures flashing before my eyes when i listen to some of em#and i imagine super cool animations w their songs that i wish i would draw but i know nothing about how to make em lolol#someone who cares pain and time of dying mostly from adams perspective lol ofc#i see vivid pictures for pain tho#get out alive can be either chainshipping or the whole franchise#riot i feel like fits adam WITH amanda lol i can see them wreaking havoc together#yeah#saw 2004#chainshipping#adam faulkner stanheight#lawrence gordon#amanda young
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i want to remove my new shrimp's pringle bc i wanna whack people with the Plush Tube but it's sewn on so I'd have to use my seam ripper
it won't make holes and he will still have the pringle only he can share now
#it is the perfect size to whap people repeatedly with#fwhap whap fwap fwhp#it's only held on by a few threads it won't require me breaking any actual seams#i always Hate sewing on my plushies bc i Think i might fall under the POSIC umbrella? they feel alive to me#they feel like Guys and moreso they're Guys Who Cannot Communicate With Me In Any Form#so i have no way of knowing if I'm hurting them or their feelings and that makes me so so so anxious#when i am interacting with ANY creature even bugs I always try to pay attention to every form of communication i can esp body language#i always to make sure I'm doing as little damage as possible to everything even to my own detriment a lot of the time#but these guys can't. tell me when i hurt them :(#i try to. calm my mind down. by thinking of it like surgery#like. having a hole in you sucks!!! and yeah stitches hurt but it's better than having a painful hole AND the pain goes away later!#and sometimes surgeries need to be done to free up body parts that are trapped by other body parts#which is like. when plushies have their limbs sewn down to their bellies or something. gotta free their limbs up! its probably not fun#like i know what it's like to not have the OPTION to use your hands and if i could do a quick procedure to get them back? absolutely#human hands are a lot harder to reconstruct than fabric though
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Can we talk about playing as Jason in Gotham Knights and getting the ends scene? I would fucking love to talk about that and see more art and writing inspired by Bruce going through the exact same effects of the Lazarus pit as his son, and going from blind aggresion to primal protectiveness for his kid. Literally almost killing the person manipulating him, anything to protect his son, never letting the past repeat.
#Regardless of who you play as he seems almost upset to be alive#and obviously its not a great awakening he Was Dead#hes terrified of the pit#but he just thought he did it#thought he killed himself to keep them safe and that they all had each other and gotham had not one but several protectors to keep at it#In a more healthy way than himself in a better way#they even still had alfred and ahhh#and then hes alive and his kid (whoever you play as) is in danger and HES NOT SAFE TO BE AROUND and he panics and hes so confused and scare#and in pain#anyways its so upsetting for him to die yet again after that#i get that it solidifes his death and gives you a nice moment tm#but i dont caree#its such a tease#and yeah him not being dead after all is cheesy to but idc about that he deserved it and i never really believed he'd died especially not#after talking to talia#its kind of frustrating to play the game because i love batgirls weapons and dialogue shes asking what i want to know#nightwing is fun hes fucking funny and quick#tim seems so young and sweet hes super endearing#and jason is MY MAN hes technically not the oldest but he sure acts it sure hes angry but its basically him taking over bruces protectivene#its frustrating to switch between them because then you dont get to contiunue a feel#but i also dont want to replay the whole game#anyways#love#gotham knights
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Just said "sheesh, Kenna, you're the smartest person I know" out loud while reading your tags on the FMA Truth and Ed's atheism post. Then I realized that Indiana probably doesn't care as much for this information as you might lolol
honestly i'd originally written a really annoying ramble about gods in fiction under that post and now i'm so glad i deleted it to write that much more succinct breakdown of my thoughts on the matter
#I have such a ramble I could go on in every single direction of this topic because this is the stuff i think long and hard about#but im not even sure which part of my tags impressed you lmao#i feel like im just constantly shouting 'theres nuance!' about an issue which has#in fact truly deeply caused a lot of pain and hurt in the world! so like of course people dont want to see the nuance!#and they dont need to! thats a thing for me to have fun thinking deeply about - if its a cause of strife dont even worry about it!#i am actively working on a story right now where the 'gods' are knowingly lying and manipulating the mortal population#but like. they can't not. because they're not 'gods' as is all-knowing all-powerful supposed-to-reward-the-good-punish-the-bad#i think because thats a kind of god referred to in stories that im disinterested in. its boring and also comes with so much baggage#im way more interested in 'gods' as in creators. and thats it. i made this planet but thats all i can do. i cant fix it#or i made this ocean. i cant stop you from drowning in it i can just make ocean#and i'd never thought of it in terms of the laws of physics but like YEAH ACTUALLY. gravity as a god. i pull things together#you NEED to fight it sometimes! it kills you and it keeps you alive and there's no morality to it!#im also interested in gods as like. alien consciousnesses. like if there was a guy out there and he gave you life but#if you looked at him he would blind you and if you touched him he'd vaporize you#like just take all the physics and reality of the sun and put it in a person-shape and give it a voice#like again theres no morality to the sun! but once we personify things like that we start putting morality and baggage on them!#anyway im rambling lmao i could go on for hours. i just loved the idea of Truth as god just like Gravity as god
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mmm read a hurt/comfort Zoro fic recently and like. I get it now. That guy DOES hurt so pretty. kinda wanna try my hand at it.
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A voice disappeared.
Zoro stopped in his tracks, feet rooted to the spot.
Who was it? Where? How-?
Just barely, he managed to block a blade aiming for his neck.
Luffy was ahead of him, laughing his head off. The cook was a bright flaming beacon in the sky.
The rest? C'mon take a count, Zoro. Make sure.
Usopp. Nami. Chopper. Jinbei. Robin. Cook. Luffy.
What? Two? No, where were-
His breath hitched as he blocked another attack.
Calm down. Take a breath. Count again.
Usopp. Nami. Robin. Cook. Luffy.
Fuck. They couldn't-
No, they had to have left the battlefield. These guys were smallfry, even for the so called "weakling trio".
Zoro took a moment to focus on the enemy around him. He let off a tatsumaki before focusing again.
One at a time, Zoro. Come on.
Usopp.
Robin.
Sanji.
Zoro jerked, eyes wide and searching frantically.
"No, no no no no no. He can't have-" Luffy would never leave before the battle was done, not without making some kind of grand exit. He wouldn't leave without telling Zoro- telling anyone- about it.
He wouldn't up and disappear into thin air like that. Not unless-
Zoro shook his head roughly. They were fine, he just couldn't see them. It would be too much of a coincidence for them all to disappear like that. He just needed to count again, then regroup with Usopp, Robin, and the cook, and figure out what was going on.
Stay calm, Zoro. Losing your head won't find your friends.
So, again, Zoro breathed. And Zoro counted.
Usopp.
The only voice left, was Usopp.
Zoro wasted no time.
He sprinted as fast as he could, cutting down anyone in front of him almost as an after thought, as he bulldozed towards Usopp's voice.
He'd nearly made it too, when some dead man kicked his side hard enough to stop him in his tracks.
Zoro turned to him, a snarl on his face. "Get out of my way before I kill you."
"Huh?" The man sneered. "I should be saying the same thing, watch where you swing those swords, asshole."
Zoro was about to retort when he noticed Usopp's voice moving away from him. He didn't have time for this.
Without warning, Zoro moved to slice through his opponent and, to his surprise, the man blocked it with ease.
"You wanna go? Here and now?" the man growled. "I'll kick your fucking ass."
This man- Zoro has never met him before, but nonetheless felt he would need to pay him his full attention to have a chance at winning.
But Usopp was getting farther and farther-
Oh, Zoro could hit himself.
"USOPP!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, startling the man. "STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE, I'LL BE THERE SOON!"
Usopp didn't respond, but he stopped moving, and that was good enough for now.
"Hey!" The man yelled, pressing down on Zoro's swords. "Whatever you need him for can wait until after our battle's over. He's got his own problems to deal with."
Zoro didn't bother wasting his breath. He cut and slashed, throwing attack after attack without abandon. It didn't matter if he was wasting his energy, he needed to get to Usopp before- before-
The man, infuriatingly, blocked almost every blow, and got a few hits in on Zoro himself.
Zoro would get to Usopp, even if it killed-!
Suddenly, there was a crackle in the air and all at once, Zoro's nerves lit up with pure unfiltered pain.
He dropped to his knees, blurry vision wavering on black shoes. He couldn't feel his arms. Or his face. And his head was getting lighter and lighter.
Zoro's fading thoughts were prayers, to a god he didn't believe in, to keep his friend safe.
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"GYAHHH, ZORO'S GONNA KILL ME!"
"Nami-swan, a little help please?" Sanji said, voice uncharacteristically strained.
"If you're asking, how can I say no?" Nami said, smirking. "Get out of the way... now!" The moment Sanji pushed off Zoro's swords to hop away, she brought down her Thunderbolt Tempo on top of Zoro. He fell to his knees before crumbling to the ground, twitching.
"You could've knocked him out on your own though, why ask for my help?" Nami asked.
"Ah well, it seemed he had a couple screws loose and I didn't want to kill what little braincells were remaining." Nami nodded in understanding.
The two of them turned to Usopp as he inched his way closer. He carefully prodded Zoro's thigh with his boot. "He's really unconscious, right? Not gonna get up anytime soon?"
Nami shrugged. "It's always hard to tell with him. But don't worry," -she stood tall, holding out her Climatact- "I'll shock him as many times as necessary."
"That means I get to live another day, so you have the Usopp deal of approval." Usopp gave her a thumbs up.
"What'd you even do to get him so pissed at you, Usopp?" Nami asked.
"Nothing!" He paused and looked away. "Well, nothing recently."
"He wasn't just mad," Sanji said. "He looked..." Scared, Sanji wanted to say. But the word was so... simple. Too simple. And it didn't explain the desperation in his eye. The wet sheen. The way he hardly blinked.
The way he kept himself facing the direction Usopp was in, revealing his constant use of Haki.
This wasn't just Zoro scared. This was Zoro terrified.
And Sanji had never seen him terrified before.
"...off," Sanji settled on, furrowing his brow. "He looked off."
Nami and Usopp hummed in thought.
The three of them stared down at Zoro's prone body. An ominous dark puddle started growing under him.
The three of them sighed.
"I'll call Chopper-" Usopp felt a tug on his ankle. He looked down. Zoro's hand was holding his boot. "I thought you said he was unconscious!" he yelled, trying to break his grip unsuccessfully.
Sanji poked Zoro with his shoe. Zoro didn't move. "He's still unconscious, so you're gonna have to be his teddy bear."
"What?! No!" He gripped onto Sanji's shirt. "Sanji-kun pleaaaaase free me before my ankle's crushed in his sleep!"
Sanji rolled an eye. "You'll be fine."
"Then can you go get Chopper? Zoro's losing a lot of blood."
"The mosshead'll be fine too. Also," -Sanji pointed to Luffy and Chopper doing some kind of strange combo attack, with Chopper in Heavy Point using Luffy as a whip- "I don't wanna break up their fun."
"Sanji-kun," Nami piped up. "Go get Chopper, please."
"Of course, Nami-swan!" Sanji immediately ran off.
-
The two of them quietly watched him go.
"Did you see what caused this?" Usopp asked.
Nami shook her head. "I know about as much as you do: Zoro suddenly taking out a big group at once and then charging towards you." She bit her lip. "I don't think he recognized Sanji."
Usopp sighed, squatting down to pull the bandana from green hair. He stared at the slackened face of his friend, hands tightening in dark fabric.
"What happened to you, Zoro?"
#one piece#roronoa zoro#nemo the writing ho#oh crap i think i accidentally started a multi-chapter when i meant o write a drabble aaaaa#the gist of this is. devil fruit or marine weapon or something. fucks with zoros head. so he thinks his crew has disappeared one by one#and its like. a subtle thing. which is why nobody notices until Zoros bulldozing toeards Usopp#tbh i have no clue where to go from here i just wanted to cause him some hurt#ack. this has not enough zoro pain#ah well. late night drabbles are. well. late night drabbles.#ohhh perhaps. perhaps even after this whole thing is resolved. zoro has hella trouble sleeping.#bc hes afraid he'll fall asleep and he eont be able to hear his friends voices anymore#so he takes as many night watches as possible. he doesnt take naps anymore. stays up even without having watch#all this just to obsessively check and recheck his Haki.#and then visit each and every one of them to confirm with his own eye that they were still here. still alive#haha yeah. itd probably take awhile to be comfortable enough to sleep again#maybe the only way he feels safe to do so at first is to be in a huge pile with his friends sleeping on or around him#oh fuck now im making myself hella sad#okay thats enough for tonight its bed time
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people acting like there isn't still very much an active stigma against cannibas and cannibas users is going to be my joker origin story
when i go to the doctor they still put cannibas use under the tab "substance abuse". not even just substance use. it is fully assumed that people who use cannabis, even as a prescription medication, are abusing it. just because you're friends with a couple of dumbass stoners doesn't mean that we've abandoned the idea as a culture that weed is a bad and scary and dangerous and highly addictive drug that will ruin your life if you use it once
#idk what its like in other countries but in the us and especially in red states fear mongering about weed is alive and well#'it ruins lives' -direct quote from a library board member making it so we can be fired for testing positive even w a prescription#i just take umbrage with posts about addiction that go out of their way to mention weed which we all learned in 6th grade is addictive#but dont also mention that this true of all prescription drugs and that a person can be dependant on a drug for health reasons???#yeah i get anxious and cant go a day without weed. because i use it to treat my anxiety and pain. i also get anxious without my wellbutrin#but people arent lining up to make posts about it?? and like you CAN obviously become addicted to prescription drugs its super common!#so i kind of feel like it would be far more useful to say 'this is true of ALL drugs. including weed caffeine and prescriptions'#you should always research ANY drug you take. prescription or not. find out about addictiveness + side effects + other drug interactions#and you should talk to someone if you feel anxious about your relationship to drugs. prescription or not#there have been many times where i was prescribed way too many drugs at once and it made me feel anxious and uncomfortable#so i talked to my doctors and consolidated several and it actually made them work a lot better#locked reblogs because i KNOW people are going to read this is 'so you should never ever talk about negative consequences of weed'#and im pretty sure the people who follow me will be able to understand thats obviously not what im saying#but as soon as it leaves my blog whos to say. but anyway like. I think we should talk more about addiction to all substances#and not just the ones that were already covered in DARE#I feel like at this point everybody has heard all of the negative possibilities with weed use at least once#and that's not necessarily true of caffeine and even like. benadryl lmfao#I might delete this in 10 minutes if I psych myself out akbdjznsjf
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finally getting a chance to work on chapter 15 today :-)
#shout out AS ALWAYS to people leaving comments!!!! you are keeping me motivated you are keeping the dream alive#for some behind the scenes: in the last few weeks i've been barely sleeping and it makes it very hard to write or even be in a good mood#i usually need 11+ hours to function and so like. 2-3 hours a night is putting me in a bad place both mentally and physically#and yes i realize 11 or more hours is like a silly amount of sleep but idk. it's just how i am. i go to bed early AND sleep in ahaha.#i've been falling behind in all my classes due to the sleep thing so writing for fun has totally been off the table lol#ANYWAYS#typing typing typing (this chapter will be a lighthearted one)#we all need some fluff and levity i think (and i need to give time for Riku to care for Sora even more and be like. wow. i love you)#I was struggling earlier bc i wanted to write both about how Sora has been hiding darkness from loved ones and needs to let them in#but also with the idea of sora feeling that he needs friends to have strength or value. and i kind of realized i needed to pick one#like maybe a better writer than me could have both of those things be addressed at once but for me i was like... I want Riku to comfort him#which goes against him learning that he's fine on his own. we can address that in a different fic. rn he is just sad and needs to know#that he can share that with the people around him. and that he's still loveable despite it all#also shout out to my gf for teaching me “love isn't something you deserve that's not what love is” like. i did not know that b4 her#so I asked her lots of questions for chapter 14 actually cause I was like. i want Riku to support Sora in the way you'd support me#cuz IDK SHIT ABOUT THAT i have always felt unworthy of love and like i had to beg people to stay with me until i got into this relationship#so i was like. judy. what is your wisdom. how do you care for me when i feel like my pain makes me unloveable. what would you say#So yeah shout out to her! I am off on a tangent now hehe sorry. thanks for reading if you read this at all!! have a good day :)#jtsys fic#updates
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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl
17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019
#my art#artists on tumblr#I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already#I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that#exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together#not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again#I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly#instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her#feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time#well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system#and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her#and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result#but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind#which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever#never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor#but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself#she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret#there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end#even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again#I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing#it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day#she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much#when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was#well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed#I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home#and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me#spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure#and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes
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My writing style is unfortunately described as "ex-pretentious 'intellectual' kid who clearly joined Tumblr during the peak of superwholock and never left" but thankfully, no one recognizes that except people who were also at the devil's sacrament.
#hal rambles#writing#just brain to keyboard today#yeah i am procrastinating the forensic biology thing#AND I WANT ATTENTION /lh#not making the kind of posts i would if i were really desperate for attention lmao#sometimes i can be *a little* toxic. as a treat. /j#please don't take me too seriously i am having my first low-pain day in MONTHS#and the extra energy is translating directly into mania#i have been very adjusted to being exhausted in pain and sleep deprived for a while#which feels a little like the mood and energy equivalent of being buried alive#so i'm kind of mentally frolicking in a sunlit field rn
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SCARED BEING A DRAG MONSTER WILL FIX YOU?! YOU SHOULD BE
#dragula season 5 ...#i wish i had even an inch of power to do it too#i've given up on things like dating and top surgery. being desired or safe right. saying i deserve any of that or want it just feels like#asking for violence. asking to be proven wrong. asking to be set back right#i've never run into something like this before where my desire is just not content with that.#Drag is too confronting and vulnerable 2 do it while covering my head.#I've gotten so strong about being alive except for this.#II've given up on anything else. I just want this.#this is Blind pain i've lived my life by and it doesn't need to be this way and i really don't want to Accept that bc it means it hasn't#been painful enough. this is just the tip of it.#it feels so stupid. talking up drag and hearing abt multiple ppl starting to do drag Because of me and I'm completely#ridiculously Paralyzed? Zero nerve to move? No backbone?#No mother? No scene? all it takes is confidence and attitude? can't look in a mirror without thinking yeah. They were right for it.#it's so vitriolic. I don't want to believe it. and I don't want external validation. I want to b a Drag monster. I want to back myself so#viciously it doesn't matter. I want to exist so firmly that it doesn't matter.
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i am so angry about being alive it's not even funny anymore
#what's the point in any of this 😐 i will literally never be okay. i never have been okay. I've had debilitating anxiety since birth#it's not going to go away it's literally getting worse as i grow older and so is my depression#hate to hear ppl say it gets better when I've been gradually getting worse since i was like 13#which is extremely funny. bc when i was 13 is when most of my suicide attempts took place#at least i was active and took initiative back then 🙄 i only became too tired to keep trying since#i don't want to kill myself i just want to be dead. I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm always feeling awful. nothing is worth it#even when i feel good it's like 1% of how bad i always feel. and it's not like there's much good to go around anyway#i don't understand now people don't constantly feel like losing their mind over how shit life is truly#there's this line in nlh actually. where yozo asks how come ppl don't constantly want to kill themselves. and yeah felt#i can barely distract myself anymore bc nothing is stimulating enough esp when I'm alone#and i don't. care enough. about anything. to want to stay alive. like i said nothing is worth it. idc if ppl would be sad sorry#i don't even know what I'm saying anymore man. idk why I'm doing so bad rn. it's been a tough week ig.#nothing actually happened but everything is just. less than average. a little worse than neutral. just enough to be grating#i don't want to kill myself but i wish i could#wish i wasn't a coward wish i didn't fear permanent damage or hospitals or even just pain i have no control over#nothing happened but everything sucks. existence is disappointing. i would like to stop#vent#suicide //#negative //#ask to tag#i genuinely don't know what to do now. i can't distract myself. i probably shouldn't fall asleep when I'm like that#(at least if i don't want to have nightmares like i did all week and for tomorrow to be even worse)#tbh i doubt i even COULD fall asleep like that lol my brain's working too fast as usual 😐#sigh. sorry for the vent. trying to clear some of the dirt off my psyche
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why have I been. frontstuck. for like 5 days. why does my brain have it out for me. don't you dare make me host again brain I WILL die from alchol poisoning don't test me.
#jesse.txt#fucking hate this i hate being the denial alter#i hate bein the bpd alter and the impulsive self harm persecutor#i hate being aroace and feeling unremarkable and undesirabpe and worthless#not to mention the pain. the disability#its getting ne so vad its horrible every second un alive is agony. i gave glass bones and paper skin#let me oute.......#vent post#tw vent#system vent#frontstuck#plurality#yeah thats good
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