#times like this where I wish adhd meds worked on me

[commanderfloppy]

Me:

ok so the deadline for this animation is Monday, and I’ll be pretty on Friday and the whole weekend so today is the only day I can do a lot of work on it. Understand?

My adhd:

*catastrophic category 5 no focus event*

[mikomiio]

Dam hi hello I never rly make text posts bc I dont know how to just yap away on tumblr but sorta status update that I wanna share here bc I post so rarely-

Lot of ppl would prolly say "hey we know u got a life and you're busy u cant always draw" but my ass has had so much time the past several years and I just couldnt get myself to draw

Well, I'm finally on a waitlist for an adhd diagnosis bc maybe just maybe not being able to do the things I want to do (and my responsibilities) wasnt just a depression thing oops

[transmascissues]

i’m getting my drains out tomorrow and i’m sure things will be different after they’re gone, so here’s my observations about top surgery recovery as of 6 days post-op!

(click here for my first post, from 3 days after)

something i forgot to mention in my last post is that if they tell you a medication has to be taken with food, do not fuck with that. absolutely do not. my antibiotic had to be taken with food and on day 2, i thought “well, i just had breakfast not too long ago, surely that’s close enough and i’ll be fine” and my parents agreed, but guess what? i spent the next hour in hell. the meds made me nauseous so i had to eat, but eating still hurt a lot because of the sore throat from being intubated, so trying to make it better just caused me more pain. and both the sore throat and the nausea (which i guess was as much a heartburn sort of situation as it was nausea) were both very chest-adjacent feelings, so that on top of the usual pain and discomfort from surgery was just a perfect storm of horrible things all centralized to one part of my body. it was awful, and i will never fuck around with something like that again. that being said, if you do find yourself in that situation or are just looking for something light that will still do the job because you’re not that hungry, 10/10 would recommend oatmeal and apple sauce. apple sauce is what finally got my body to stop rioting against me and my bad decisions, and after that i started always taking it halfway through a bowl of oatmeal and that worked perfectly.

on day 4, i was able to sit up and get out of bed by myself for the first time! i still can’t do it just by using my core muscles, but if i hold onto my legs and lower them, i can sort of roll myself up into a sitting position without using any of the affected muscles too much.

on day 5, the sore throat from hell that being intubated gave me finally went away! cheers to not gripping my pillow in pain every two seconds while i swallow my spit anymore. it lasted a while, but it honestly went away pretty fast — on day 4 it was a bit better than it had been, and then the next day it was just gone.

also on day 5, i really started to feel the bandages digging into my armpits. i’m not sure if it’s because the bandage has been slipping up over time, if my armpits have some extra swelling now, or if it’s just been wearing my body down over time, but it feels like it’s starting to cut off circulation at a certain point and it makes my arms ache sometimes. that’s probably not great, but the surgeon will be redoing everything at my post-op anyway so i’ve just been riding it out until then. in the meantime, i can tell it’s definitely worse when i’m sitting back and kind of slouched (because that position pushes it up more), so i try to sit up or walk around when i feel it. having pillows on either side of me to put my elbows up on definitely also helps a lot — that’s how i’ve been sleeping, but it would be good for just sitting too.

also also on day 5, i started getting this weird fluttery feeling in the spot where the left side of my chest and the meat of my left armpit connect. it feels like it’s probably some sort of muscle spasm. it’s not painful at all, but i honestly wish it was because it’s just super weird and uncomfortable instead and i hate it. it genuinely might be my least favorite out of any pains or sensations i’ve had so far. luckily, though, it seems like it’s already died down and only happened a couple times today.

my energy has been all over the place. i’m at the point now where mentally i’m much closer to my normal state so i’m once again having the adhd urge to constantly do stuff, but my body’s ability to keep up is far less consistent. sometimes i get restless and can just get up and pace around for a while, but other times i try to do that and get really quickly exhausted. i’m definitely more able to have conversations and feel more like myself now though, even when my body is tired out.

i’ve been thirsty as all hell the past few days. i feel like i’m constantly asking my boyfriend to refill my water for me because i drain it so fast. it’s a very specific kind of thirst, too — like it never quite goes away even when i’m definitely very thoroughly hydrated, and like anything but water can’t even touch it. it’s not a bad thing, getting lots of fluids after surgery is important and i wouldn’t be surprised if that’s exactly why my body is doing it, but it is a bit frustrating to just be incessantly thirsty for days at a time.

my walking posture is getting straighter every day. i still have to hold my chest to walk because of the bandage feeling like it drags things down, but if i’m walking with my mastectomy pillow, it mostly just looks like a typical slouch and not the deep hunch i started with.

at this point, my chest is super sensitive to any kind of movement, and that’s the other thing the pillow has been really good for at this stage. if the bandage shifts at all, if my body moves at all, basically anything — i feel it all in my chest really intensely. it’s not always painful, but it isn’t comfortable either. holding the pillow to my chest helps stabilize things so the movement doesn’t reach the sensitive parts as much, which is really great.

walking up stairs is easier than walking down stairs, which is the exact opposite of what i would’ve guessed. from what i can tell just from moving around, i think it’s because bending your legs up to a higher step pretty solidly relies on your legs and lower core muscles to make it happen, while reaching your legs down to a lower step requires stretching your body out (which is famously not your body’s favorite thing to do after top surgery). it often feels like i almost can’t reach the step below and have to just barely catch it with the balls of my feet. it’s also just generally been good to take the stairs super slow going up or down because you really can’t use the railing — putting enough weight on it to really rely on it at all requires using chest muscles, so the best i’ve been able to do is just rest my hand on it in case of emergency (because i’d rather hurt my chest than crack my head open if it comes to that).

one of the things that makes the stairs hard is that my center of balance is off from hunching, and that definitely affects my walking too. it’s less pronounced now that i’m in the habit of using the pillow to walk straighter, but i have to take shorter strides and sort of shuffle around because longer strides need better balance, and even with the shuffle i’m stumbling more than usual. i already have some balance problems so i’m pretty used to the feeling of it, but it has freaked my parents out a couple times to see me start listing to one side before i catch myself.

fuck reflexes. reflexes are the actual worst. something i didn’t anticipate is that no matter how careful you are to not reach your arms too far or move them too fast, you can never totally account for what you do if something starts falling. a few times now, i’ve definitely reached too far or fast before stopping myself because i saw something about to go down and my brain instinctively told my hands to catch it. i’m not sure if there’s anything you can really do about that, but it’s worth being aware of because it caught me by surprise the first time i did it.

one side of my chest has been consistently more swollen than the other. that side has also consistently drained less, and the fluid it does drain is darker and redder. we asked my surgeon if that was normal and she said there’s almost always one side that drains more than the other, but it’s still something we’ve been keeping an eye on. hopefully i’ll be able to get a more concrete answer at my post-op, once she can see the swelling up close and look at the drainage numbers from the past week.

as i’ve been getting some use of my body back, the pain in my chest has gotten a bit more obvious. it’s milder pain, and when i’m not doing anything it’s mostly painless to the point where i’m going a lot longer between tylenol doses, but when i’m using my body, i can definitely feel it. the fact that i’m not avoiding physical activity like the plague as much means i’m noticing more pain even though objectively my pain levels have gone down — the things that hurt now didn’t hurt less before, i just didn’t even attempt them before because i knew they would hurt so much. now that the pain is down, i can try more things, which means i’m more likely to try something that ends up hurting. of course, you should always try to follow the if-it-hurts-then-stop rule, but you can’t avoid the pain altogether as you learn your body’s boundaries, so i ended up getting to a point where getting better feels like getting worse.

on that note, i’ve also learned that there’s a pretty distinct difference between milder “i should proceed with caution” pain and intense “stop what you’re doing right now” pain. as much as avoiding things that hurt is ideal, it’s not always realistic, but my body has definitely been very clear in telling me what i can and can’t compromise on. in the beginning i was really paranoid about doing anything that caused any pain at all, but now i’m more familiar with where i can push a bit further if needed and where i really need to hold off.

i’ve been getting chills much more easily lately, and they’ve also been SUPER strong. i’ll be watching a show or listening to music and something will give me chills, and it’s a really intense feeling all across my ribs, and even thinking about the thing that caused it brings on a whole new wave. i’m super curious to see if it’s just a temporary result of my nerves doing their thing or if it’ll stick around long-term. it’s not unpleasant at all, i honestly really like it.

i got some food for myself for the first time today (day 6) and it just involved slicing some pretty soft cheese, but wow, it was a workout for my shoulder. i’m guessing it’s because i haven’t really used my muscles in that way for a week, and because not being able to use my chest muscles means i was relying on my shoulder a lot more to do all the work of moving my arm. by the time i was done, just holding the block of cheese to put it back in the fridge felt like lifting weights.

i didn’t change my shirt the first few days but i’ve changed a few times now, and we’ve perfected the art of getting a button up shirt on me without overreaching my arms at all. basically, you want to put both arms into the sleeves before you lift the shirt up onto your shoulders, because once the shirt is on one shoulder, you have to reach back a lot farther to get to the other sleeve. once you have both arms in, you can lift it onto your shoulders and button it. ideally, whoever’s helping you should do most of the work to pull the sleeves over your arms so you don’t have to stretch your arm out to get them on. i’m sure that’ll be overkill once i have a bit more mobility, but for now, it works great. it definitely would be tough if the shirt was fitted though, so i’m glad i went up a size.

i hope my posts like this have been helpful, or at least interesting to read! i’ll definitely keep updating as time goes on and things change, and i’m also going to work on a breakdown of my experience at the hospital pre- and post-op, as well as my post-op appointment experience once that happens tomorrow.

y’all are getting the good, the bad, and the ugly of my recovery experience. i know a lot of this has been very focused on the bad and the ugly so far because surgery is generally rough, but i’m going to see my chest again tomorrow so stay tuned for some good!

[noteveryoneis]

Grocery shopping with three kids is like balancing a goldfish’s bowl on your head — impossible and always ending in disaster.

Especially when one of them is a little girl with ADHD and who is going through her teenage rebellion at eight years old. Ava has already lost sight of Nina five times in the span of thirty minutes, no matter how many times she has asked her to stay with them and not get lost. Every time she finds her, the little girl just rolls her eyes and mutters ‘ugh’ like Ava is just the most annoying bitch on Earth — at least she hasn’t said it yet, she still has some respect left for her mother.

‘Dad would have let me have it,’ Ava hears after she tells her to put back the Laffy Taffy she tried to add to the cart.

Ava clenches her teeth, doesn’t say anything (of course her dad would have let her have it, as he doesn’t care about her, about her sisters, about what they eat and who they are and if they are loved), but she sees the way Neves looks up at her quietly, as if her five year old brain can sense that her mother has just been hit in the chest by an invisible arrow, and Nova’s grip on the shopping cart tightens, like she is doing everything in her power not to smack her little sister with one of the pool noodles on display.

Still, Ava makes the most of it. She makes whooshing noises as she turns the cart, drops kisses on Neves’ nose from time to time where she is sitting in the child seat, helps Nova choose the best pens and even lets Nina get the Barbie notebook she really wanted. 

She’s mentally doing the math of how much they’ll need and if she can add a bottle of her pain meds to the list when she hears the voice behind her.

“My my my, as I live and breathe, if that isn’t Ava Silva.”

Her first reflex is to grip the cart like it’s going to float away, muscles locked up. She's been hearing that so much lately, the snarls and mocking chuckles from everyone who knew her from before — and from now, Ava Silva who left her shiny little city after being kicked out like a dog by the father of her kids and came back with her tail in between her legs to her hometown (when in reality Ava is working her ass off so that her girls can go to school and live in a real house where they each have their own rooms and where they can go to the beach every weekend and she loves it).

But then she recognizes the hoarseness of the voice and the way it sounds like a warm smile — or like coming home. And so Ava whirls around, only to be met by the sight of none other than Mary freaking Masters, grinning down at her.

People have had a lot of different reactions at Ava’s return. Camila blew up her phone at the first text Ava sent announcing her move, Lilith tried to stare her down, Mrs. Salvius smiled at her and wished her a warm welcome back, Duretti almost kicked her out of the school and Superion announced loudly that she was praying Nova wasn’t anything like her mother — fondly and teasingly too, Superion was a softie even though she claimed the opposite.

But being picked up and hugged tightly? A first.

Mary’s laugh echoes in her ear as Ava hugs her back, grinning like an idiot.

“Jesus, kid, I heard you were back and town and I didn’t believe it, but you’re actually here!”

Mary sets her back down on the ground, smiling at her (the only thing stopping her from ruffling Ava’s hair is probably the fact that she’s a grown woman of twenty-eight-years old).

“Yeah, I am, moved back three weeks ago. Glad to know news still travel fast around here.”

“You know it,” Mary laughs, like she just knows how much the residents of their hometown love talking back behind each other’s backs.

All three of the girls are still staring at the two of them in silence from the cart, big eyes open as if wondering who the fuck this woman is.

“Right, sorry,” Ava laughs, taking a step back and putting a hand on Nina’s shoulder, the other setting on Neves’ back, leaving it to Nova to decide whether or not she wants to hide behind her mother — she doesn’t, looking curiously at Mary as if trying to remember her. “Girls, this is Mary, Nova’s godmother. Mary, well, you already know them.”

They all greet her in a concert of little ‘hi’s as Mary smiles back at them. 

“You guys have grown,” she whistles, raising an impressed eyebrow — right, she hasn’t seen them since Neves’ birth. “Especially you,” she tells Nova, “Jesus Christ, you’re tall, kid.”

“Everyone keeps saying that,” Nova frowns.

“Most people here haven’t seen you since you were a baby,” Ava reminds her.

“Yes, but what else am I supposed to be but taller? Of course I am, I’ve grown!” Nova says, raising her hands to the sky. “And what if I have had dwarfism? What would you guys have said?”

“No’, you don’t have dwarfism,” Ava says.

“But I could have!”

Ava throws in the towel at that one, turning back towards Mary who is raising an eyebrow with a shit-eating grin.

“Cute kid.”

“Thanks,” Nina grins because of course she does, flipping her hair back to make her sisters laugh (and it works).

“Oh, I just know which one of you has the Silva genes,” Mary says, pointing a finger at her, clearly amused.

“Alright, that’s enough,” Ava stops her. “The tale of mama’s adventures will have to wait,” she says, redirecting Nina towards the cart and ushering Nova back to her sisters.

Mary smiles back at her, really smiles, not just one of those uptight fake smiles that Ava has been receiving since her move back here — except for Teacher-Hot-Neighbor Beatrice whose smiles always look timid and hesitant, like she’s not sure she’s allowed to do that, and Camila who is just genuinely a ray of sunshine.

“Shannon has been talking about you,” she says, softly and a little more seriously. “She’s been wondering where you and the girls were at, she’s going to be happy to know you’re all so close.”

She doesn’t ask about JC, like she already knows, or maybe she had seen it coming, like they all did. Ava smiles back, not knowing what to say.

“You know I have to invite you all to our house for dinner now, right? The wife wouldn’t let me live if I didn’t.”

“You have a wife?” Nina asks, her head poking out from behind Ava’s hip, tiny fingers hooking into the loop of her shorts.

“She’s Neves’ godmother, come on, you guys know that,” Ava explains, frowning.

They’ve met them five years ago — okay, Nina was three and probably doesn’t remember it, and Nova was six and already didn’t like talking to people (which annoyed JC greatly and made her miserable). All things considered, she doesn’t blame them for not remembering Shannon and Mary.

“Yup, I have a wife,” Mary says instead, not missing a beat as she shows her wedding ring. “She’ll want to meet you guys as soon as I tell her about you.”

“Are you gay?”

“Okay, that’s enough,” Ava intervenes immediately, shoving the shopping list into Nova’s hand. “Take your sister around, don’t get lost and, Antonina, please stop asking questions about people’s sexualities.”

Mary is laughing her ass off as the two little girls scamper away, Neves kicking her little legs from her child seat, smiling slightly to herself. Ava sighs, pinches the bridge of her nose, trying to stop herself from laughing too. Now she understands everyone’s suffering from when she was younger, karma is a bitch. 

“I’m serious,” Mary says after a few seconds of laughing like a madman. “We’re throwing a cookout next sunday, you have to come. And bring your comedian kid with you, I like her,” she says, like Nina is a shiny new toy (Ava can already feel the headache coming just thinking about how much chaos the two will bring together).

“I’m… I’ll see what I can do.”

“Nah, you know I don’t take no for an answer. Seriously, Ava, come. Shannon will be thrilled to see you. We’ve missed you, kid.”

Neves tugs on her shirt, Ava picks her up and sets her on her hip, putting a kiss on her hair and letting the anxiety melt away as the girl wraps her arms around her shoulders.

“Okay,” she says. “We’ll come.”

Mary smiles again, Ava feels a bit warmer already.

[dangerously-human]

The thing about this week's primary doctor appointment is I did walk out with almost everything I asked for - a referral for sleep testing, an appointment for blood work to get back on my existing meds, a suggestion for a nutritionist to meet with as a first step to sorting out my recurrent weight issues (I do not trust that field and the likelihood that I'll go is pretty low, but we'll see), even a script for Strattera... but based on the doctor's reticence and tbh kind of nastiness around the Strattera, I don't know if I should actually take it. The thing is that nothing in this world scares me worse than a depression relapse. I can do minor ones, I do those all the time in fact, but the idea of that as a med side effect scares the shit out of me, because now we're putting me back in the place I was when I was on antidepressants, you feel? And I'm very very scared of the effects of going off of mental health meds - knowing that I usually can't stay on anything consistently - having done my fair share of suicidal spins in college accidentally going off SSRIs cold turkey. And then when I tried to express that and ask what I should do to keep an eye out for it, and she said I should just be able to tell if my mood gets bad and I said well listen, I know I have a history with anxiety and depression and being autistic, I don't always notice a change right away, for her to then say, you have to be in therapy again, and you should probably go back on Lexapro, and probably your symptoms are just depression and I shouldn't even be giving you Strattera in the first place, that's when I really melted down. So you can understand where I might be a tinge concerned about taking this. Even though I actually think it will make my life a lot more manageable, on multiple fronts. Even though I'm old enough that the risk of depression as a side effect isn't so high anymore, and in fact this medicine works as a low-level antidepressant anyway. Even though I've gotten much better at staying on meds where there will be an immediate impact to quitting - I haven't had any issues with propranalol, for instance, just the ones that need blood work. And I guess, even though I'm scared, I'm also really excited by the prospect of being able to focus again in a way I haven't had for 10+ years, and maybe even keeping up with life outside of work and school. If I treat the ADHD, theoretically it would become much easier for me to stay on top of all my meds anyway. My mom suggested that I make an appointment with my old therapist to ask for her advice, and she also thought I should get back on thyroid meds first to see how that helps my attention - but the executives were dysfunctioning even before I went off that, and also it'll take a couple months for the Strattera to kick in, which would be minimally helpful for grad school purposes if I don't start now. So, where does that leave me? Idk, honestly. I guess the first step is just to pick up all my pills from the pharmacy, and then I think and pray about whether and when to take them. I wish I had a doctor I trusted enough that this didn't feel like a big decision.

[nobodysdaydreams]

Okay, now they REALLY gotta drop the Jacobi duck-related lore 🦆 (and I need to stop holding out hope Blessie will return 😔💔)

(Or my reaction to Wolf359’s Mission Mishap Episodes).

Welcome back dear readers! My schedule has been busy lately, but the Mission Mishap episodes were mercifully short, so I’ve been listening to a few episodes per week and have gathered my reactions here for you all to enjoy.

Tagging the mutuals who got me invested in this, and if you want to be tagged or untagged from these posts, lmk, or you can follow my blog or simply follow the tag "#bods wolf359 reactions". Anyone who has followed me for a while knows my updates are inconsistent, so I apologize in advance for that and for any spelling/grammar mistakes in my posts.

@sophieswundergarten @oflightningandstars @acollectionofcuriousreblogs @herawell @commsroom

Also tagging @lovelyladylavie because I promised I’d tag you way back on this post and forgot (I’m so sorry!) but my reactions are all under the tag so you should be able to find them!

Mission Mishaps: A Little Night Music

"Not fully reading your contract before you sign it...not understanding your job responsibilities, and wanting commander off your back" I love Doug's sponsorships and the dramatic irony 😂 *Cue The Fine Print playing in the background...*

I guess the only actor they could get was Doug. Nice of him to fill us in on what Minkowski and Hera are saying though.

OH MY GOSH.

HIS VOICE.

DR. DR. PROFESSOR DR. PROFESSOR F. EIFFEL 😂

It's so fancy. Mannnyyyy PhDs. Very impressive, Doug.

I'm so happy we got more radio show Doug. I need to hear him do a radio show where all his personalities talk to each other. Being the special guest on the show is Cutter's punishment for all eternity. The Dear Listeners make 5 copies of Doug so he can be all the characters.

"The feeling you'll die miserably..." yikes, broke character for a second there Doug.

"Ah yes...the way the piano notes dance around the...other piano notes...absolutely fantastic piece for when you want to start your day with the paino-y energy" Well said Doug.

Oh boy. Cowboy music. Is this the return of Badass McAwesome? Do I dare to hope?

Ah, well, better luck next time.

His poor toe. I hate when that happens too, Doug.

The...mind eraser?

Don't like how that sounds. Especially after the threats in "Change of Mind".

Better not be foreshadowing.

"This song is a mutant, it's superpower is being catchy. It never leaves."

Okay, THAT better not be foreshadowing.

"Afraid of the plant monster?" I wish we could be, Doug. I wish we could be. 😔🪴

"Worried you'll never get back to Earth to see you're family?" Oh, Doug. 💔

"Bosses you're pretty sure are kind of evil" Kind of is generous Doug.

Yeah...yeah Doug that got very dark there for a bit.

Moral boosting? Oh dear. MUTE 😂 AFTER TWO MINUTES 😂

I love Doug. Poor fellow. I enjoyed the broadcast Doug. They don't appreciate your talents.

Mission Mishaps: The Space You’re In

I love the title’s double meaning.

More of Doug dodging his work I see. A common theme.

“Please stop going off on tangents” I guess Cutter and Pryce didn’t send them up with any ADHD meds. “I’m here for work 😊” Nice cover, Doug. 👍🏻 nailed it.

“I’m gonna get that thing that I forgot”. You do that Doug.

How did I know Doug was gonna break something? 🤣

Specimen incubation period??? BLESSIE????

How dare they tease us with Blessie lore?

Good question Doug. Why IS there a harpoon?

Doug literally has no where to hide. 🤣

Oh right. Space. Why do I see that backfiring?

PFFTTT—- Did she just call him a lizard? 🦎

“It’s beautiful” -> “I hate space” poor Doug. I’m sensing a pattern 🤣

Mission Mishaps: You Want, I Solve Ah Doug stealing coffee from Minkowski. Once again, I sense a pattern.

Wait. A puppy? 🥰🐕‍🦺🐾

“The mean lady who runs this place” really Doug? You did just steal her coffee.

2 tails? Well, twice the wagging, I see that as a win. 🥰

Follow him Doug!

IS ZACH VALENTI DOING THE VOICE OF THE DOG?

AS SMEGOL AND GOLLUM FROM LORD OF THE RINGS?

AND IS DOUG HALLUCINATING FROM THE COFFEE???

The dogs are multiplying? David Bowie is here? Okay Doug is hallucinating for sure.

Ah hello Hilbert.

Why is he treating the manual like it’s the ring? 🤣

Well. That was weird.

Oh, Hilbert. All to get Doug to bond with the manual.

And yet something tells me he still won’t read it. It does sound like he might be cuddling with it at night and killing anyone who tries to take it from him though. Mildly concerning. Mission Mishaps: The Veldt Oh my gosh. The episode description. Eiffel goes into the greenhouse… y’all. I don’t wanna get my hopes up, but…

IS THIS BLESSIE CONTENT???? 🪴

I’m so excited guys. I don’t wanna get my hopes up, I know I shouldn’t, but I need Blessie back!

So Doug is doing his chores again. I sense a pattern.

He does a great Australian accent. Again, I need the aliens to clone Doug just so he can have a show where his different personalities talk to each other. Hm. Oxygen chamber has a lot of passwords. And a lot of weird ways to enter passwords. Which is nice for protecting the air, but not so great when you, you know, desperately need air and only have a few seconds to enter the password.

The binary forms of color? This is so extreme not to mention boring. Not one sign of Blessie. I’ve been bamboozled. And WHY is there a timer? This is so weird.

THAT’S IT?

Well I’m upset. We went to the greenhouse and didn’t see leaf or stem of Blessie. 💔

I’m not giving up hope. If not in the show then in fanfic that plant is coming back.

Mission Mishaps: Lights Out

Another entry from dear Doug. I wonder if Minkowski and Hilbert are gonna have him do something he doesn’t want to and then hijinks ensues and Doug messes something up?

HP Lovecraft, Call of Kuthulu? Oh me too Doug stuff is hard to pronounce.

Doug does a good creepy narrator voice. It’s funny to think of Hera listening to all this. It reminds me of those people on Lovelace’s crew reading stories together.

“Property of Dr….”

DOCTOR WHO? (A good show, but I’m literally asking the question).

Is it that girl on Lovelace’s crew who liked to read? (I’m sorry it’s hard to keep track of their names).

Ah yes, and the star is acting up. As is Doug’s imagination. I’m sure this couldn’t possibly go wrong.

Hilbert. What sample? What escaped?

I’m not getting my hopes up this time. You teased me with Blessie once. I’m not falling for it again. I’ve been burned before.

It just sounds like a little mouse. 🐁

…I hope it’s not one of the spiders… I’m now beginning to realize Doug’s fears…

“It’s small and scurrying”

Is it a mouse?

Doug, it’s probably just a mouse. “It’s staring at me.” Well it’s probably scared too, Doug.

Doug, you better not have killed that poor little mouse.

You killed the maintenance drone Doug? Well that was a wild ride. At first I thought they weren’t gonna go the “Doug messes up a thing Hilbert and Minkowski are doing” route but they always surprise me with their ability to bring it back there. Not that I’m complaining, I’m loving these stories. Mission Mishaps: Cold Turkey More Doug! Wow. 553 days. That’s… that’s a lot.

Thanksgiving? Is this the same Thanksgiving from Hera’s memory? 🦃

Banned from the kitchen? Oh poor, Doug. Was Hilbert not available? I guess he’s Russian so he doesn’t celebrate it. But he can probably cook.

Doug is just like me fr. Don’t ask my partner what happened when I tried to make him food. All you need to know was that I tried my best, and it’s the thought that counts.

Doug is gonna burn this Turkey. I know the actress was probably busy and these are “extra” episodes, but Hera please come online and help him.

Oh gross. Cans of spam? Disgusting.

Right, maybe Hilbert can do something. But on the other hand, Hilbert and Eiffel can make each other worse. And what was that about psychoactive properties? What was Hilbert exposed to?

“Can I give indifference? I have plenty of that.” Yes, Hilbert, you made that very clear.

“Oh well if I have to “come on”.” “Really!” “No.” Hilbert is lowkey hilarious 🤣 “I like pecan pie…maybe thanksgiving is not so terrible.” 🥧

I love how Hilbert sounds like he’s plotting something ominous even when he’s just talking about pie. 🤣

But seriously, why was he in Texas? He never answered that.

“The best way to keep him away from the kitchen was to put you in charge” oh poor Doug. She was right though.

Aw, this is sweet. I like how it connects to what we saw in Hera’s memories too.

Mission Mishaps: No Complaints Aw man, SI-5? What happened to Doug?

First they take Blessie from me then they force me to spent time with his killers.

Well gang, I guess it’s time for the adventures of Whiskey Man and Duck Boy.

Wow. Sitting in a car and brooding in the rain. An action packed adventure if I’ve ever heard one.

Oh wait, are they stalking Maxwell? They said she was from a small town.

“Did you stalk me?” Yes, he did Jacobi. Kepler was acting so creepy at that bar, I’m sorry. What even was that?

“I really hate you sometimes sir. ✨You’re the worst✨” oh Duck Boy you have no idea.

THE DUCK THING? OH NO PLEASE TELL US ABOUT THE DUCK THING.

What video. WHAT VIDEO.

Please tell us why Jacobi is brooding and PLEASE tell us about the duck video.

Jacobi taught him questions only? Wow he really does love to dig his own grave.

Kepler is not your friend Jacobi. If you think he is, you… gosh you really need to meet somebody. Anybody.

All this complaining… Jacobi really is the evil version of Doug sometimes…

What was on Jacobi’s mind? What did Rachel think was on his mind? Oh, his one year recruitment.

Nothing good ever comes out of a mysterious duffel bag. Why does he have all those fireworks?

When your evil boss takes you on a fake stake out and gives you some fireworks to blow up because he knows you crave destruction: 💣🎆🥰🎇🧨😍

I like that they play fireworks sounds as they roll the credits. It’s a nice touch. Mission Mishaps: Happy Holidays Already down to the last one. Time flies when you’re having fun. Oh more SI-5. Hopefully a little less Whiskey Boy, a little more Duck related lore.

Oh no such luck. :(

Geez, Kepler really does love flexing every single bit of power that he has, doesn’t he? Just get to the point already! Why couldn’t he have been the one to go instead of Maxwell?

“Oh no! Not a binary fault in the quartical… um… that’s bad!” Duck Boy stop being funny I don’t want to like you.

Not Kepler’s slow claps… I swear this man is infatuated with the idea of being a super villain.

What are they afraid of?

…

A holiday party?

the evil space corporation has a HOLIDAY PARTY?

For what holiday? Cutter and Pryce clearly hate holidays. They’ve ordered people killed on nearly every holiday we’ve seen! … actually maybe that’s their way of making the holidays their own… and it makes me wonder who they want to kill at this party. Jacobi and Maxwell have a right to be concerned about this.

“We don’t ask questions. We trust that we were given orders for a reason.” THAT ONLY WORKS IF YOU ARE WORKING FOR TRUSTWORTHY PEOPLE. And committing or endorsing murder takes you off the trustworthy list.

The idea of Cutter and Pryce celebrating Christmas disgusts me. Like, physically I have a hard time stomaching it. Christmas is about joy, and love, and goodwill toward mankind. Cutter and his crazy science gf have no place involving themselves in that. Not unless they show some serious remorse and do some serious penance and jail time.

SECRET SANTA EXCHANGE?

What kind of horrifying messed up gifts do people get each other? I hope Jacobi gets a pet duck.

… Maxwell’s mom died? “We all know you don’t talk to your mom” “…my mom just died?” “No Jacobi.” STOP BEING FUNNY.

Compare this to the holiday stuff that happens with the Hephaestus… this has such a creepy undertone. Especially when you imagine the events happening at the same time.

Well, that’s all for the Mission Mishaps. Sorry it took me so long guys, but I love and appreciate your patience. Excited to finish the rest of the series and hopefully I’ll have more for you soon!

[lilacs-world]

I feel like I’m chronically not okay but idk if I’m valid enough to label myself as chronically ill. I am able to work 40h a week but with the cost of laying in bed the rest of the day when I’m back home. In the weekends I sleep mostly. My room is a disaster because I never have the energy to tackle the chaos. I wished I was able to walk to work and back but standing for more than 15 min is already exhausting me and I get dizzy and lightheaded. I am constantly in pain, my normal pain level is on good days at a 2 on bad days it’s at a 4 or 5 but maybe I’m too modest about my pain due to fear of admitting I’m not okay. I am always tired even if I sleep usually enough. At times I feel more refreshed with only 4 hours of sleep hell knows why. I am waking up daily at 5:45am to get myself ready for 8am work. I don’t know if I’m ever gonna be a functioning adult. I am scared of the moment I will unmask bcs im masking daily due to Audhd. Plus daily I’m confused because we are often switching and my quality at work at times fluctuating and my TLs wondering wtf bcs we know u know all the processes so wtf. Daily I feel like I know only a specific part of the processes and I have days where I ask so many questions that one of the TLs told me they are growing gray hairs bcs of me asking so much. The doctors in my country are shit when I mentioned suspecting we are a system they said nah it’s just ur anxiety. When I questioned if I have adhd my former psych said nah only kids can have it. My former therapist said yeah after unofficially diagnosing me with it. Autism I suspect that too and I got my confirmation more or less from my bf who’s on the spectrum as well. He got his confirmation he has adhd as well by me noticing lots of adhd things in him and he has now meds whilst me is in this godforsaken country that isn’t taking me seriously. I got my confirmation I have adhd when I took speed and realised for the first time "so this is how neurotypicals experience their life?" I for once had a train of thoughts in order and not a carambolage of luggage’s getting stuck in the baggage claim belt. I sobbed so hard. On good days I am able to remember and memorise lots of shit. But on bad days I barely anything. My body is out of control. I have pcos and it’s ravaging my body. I grow hair on my chin and arms and it’s making me uncomfortable and I developed anxiety about having hair in my face to the point over pluck and over shave it. My period is out of control. I either bleed for 2 months consecutive or I don’t have my period for 6 months. I am anemic due to it. I am such a pale human that I’m constantly being asked if I am okay. Oh yeah not to forget having an autoimmune disease since I am 2 years old. Having to deal with psoriasis break outs each winter where I end up being covered on my legs, arms , ass with skin patches of psoriasis. At times it’s even in my eyebrows and on my scalp. Each winter is a torture for me. I am battling with depression as well. Luckily this last year it wasn’t so overbearing and I felt more human than I used to in the past. Nonetheless my anxiety is ravaging and leaving me crippled daily. I sound ridiculous talking about myself rn bcs in my brain I feel like you aren’t this sick or unwell you are faking this you are a horrible human for saying all this things but I know it’s probably my internal ableism and the internal critical subconsciously developed voices of my surroundings telling me I’m not actually sick and I need to go to work even if sick etc. Sigh. Idk where I wanted to go with this whole post. I know you guys don’t see often a personal post from me or posts from me and more reblogs of stuff I enjoy seeing and stuff I wanna boost and stuff I find important or relatable or stuff that I think might make someone feel better and less anxious or feel seen. I hope this is fine. I hope being more real is helpful. Maybe I should do this rambling on my other blog @unfilteredrealities where I tried to talk about life in a real way , unfiltered. You can even send in your own submissions if u want to.

Anyway thanks for reading my ted talk.

TLDR: I don’t know if I’m actually chronically ill and if I’m valid enough to label myself as that and then I rambled about my life experiences with audhd, did, anxiety, depression, pcos, psoriasis and there are more but I’m exhausted.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

A reminder/vent/plea for advice:

Eat meals frequently!! This is something I need to get tattooed on me. Because my ED consisted of a lot of long fasts broken by binges I think my mind and body learned that it is normal to eat nothing for 13 hours and then eat 70% of my daily calories in less than an hour. I think the appetite suppressant quality of my Vyvanse and my vaping addiction are exacerbating this problem. Not to mention I get so wrapped up in certain things that I completely forget I need to eat. But the body is not meant to go 12 waking hours without fuel. I think because I end up eating enough (maybe too much) when I do eventually eat, I convince myself that my feelings of faintness, brain fog, irritability, nausea [ALL OF THIS IS HUNGER] can’t be due to lack of food all day. “How can I be so hungry that I can’t move??? I ate a whole bag of Doritos and 5 low-fat cheese sticks 16 hours ago!!”. That isn’t how the body works!

I desperately wish I was able to just force myself to cook and eat meals throughout the day but I have yet to find a way to make it stick!

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Does anyone have any recommendations?

Thank you so much <3

I absolutely feel this, because I very much forgot to eat when I started Strattera. Those ADHD meds just take away all hunger cues. You could be starving and your body just…doesn’t feel anything. I also had a moment where I went all day without eating wondering why I felt so crappy. After I had a late-night snack that brought me near- instant relief, I was like “ohhh.”

Some things you can try: cook big meals in bulk and portion them out in your fridge and freezer so that they’re easy to access and prepare when you’re rushing! This especially works with soups, stews, curries, rice/quinoa bowls, pizza. Do the same with snacks - make it easy. Keep portions of fresh fruit/snackable veggies, granola bars, peanut butter crackers, snack packs of nuts or chips - whatever you can buy or prep in bulk and store easily. ADHD does not go away magically just because you have meds - work WITH your brain, not against it!

On a related note, set timed reminders on your phone so that you remember to EAT the meals and snacks! “Check in with my body” alarms might be good too. If Vyvanse makes it hard to eat intuitively by checking in with your stomach, practicing tuning in to your other body cues might help.

(Buying frozen meals can help if you are too busy/struggling to find the executive function to cook.)

You can’t punish yourself out of having ADHD. Might as well work with your brain instead!

[dracoryss]

ADHD meds have this funny loop that when you have been on meds for a bit, you start to question if they really help because being dispersed, distracted, etc is still a thing, starting shit still takes effort and doing the things you wanna do are still kind of a struggle, but in the end, you are still managing and it's not entirely bad, like, but could still be better. You think about a dosage increase, but you also think against it.

And then, maybe you spaced out between refills, maybe you think you can try going without for a bit, or maybe like me, you can't always afford the refill on time, or the shortage is making it harder to find and pricier to buy, or whatever. Since you usually take weekends off them, you know a day or two are still manageable only this time you actually gotta have shit done, and Thursday is not supposed to be as slow as a Sunday, and if your usual routine already includes watching/listening something in the background, now you find yourself half listening to a yt vid while scrolling a different feed opening more shit in the background to watch/ignore later, and only now you realize the tv is still on with the sitcom you put on to watch while you started the day and since you just laughed at a joke maybe you are not turning it off, but still you open some streaming site to check if there are new episodes of that other thing you like (there are not) so you go back to yt and close the thing you were (not really) watching because it's it's actually kinda boring, next video is actually good and interesting but makes you want to keep watching that anime you have in pause so you next video is it, which turns out to be the perfect video to listen while playing/doom scrolling on your phone, and this keeps going on untill it's 10 pm, the iPad has ran out of battery from having a blank canvas displayed the whole day, and you are already tired and sleepy and hating yourself from not doing the 1 thing you were supposed to do and well fuck, the meds did work.

Anyways, I'm SO happy I got my refill for the month 🤞 wishing more meds for all of you who also need it (specially American fellas where it seems hell to get a prescription and where I definitely could not afford it)

[lumpkinboi]

Working meds and two mental illnesses

[Extremely disorganized rambling ahead]

So the meds are working. It's honestly a little crazy to me how I can actually just sit down, clear my mind and just focus on my work. In 26 years of living, I was never able to properly sit down and do something until I started this treatment and it's been doing wonders. Although I'm getting to a point where they don't work as well as they used to, my doctor said this is normal and we just have to find a dosage that works for me over a longer period of time. So if they stop working entirely, we can just increase the dosage, or switch to a different medication.

Sometimes I think about how many opportunities I squandered because I have this disease and never treated it. But it's also hard to blame myself because going after treatment was difficult due to this illness. I've been caught in a catch-22 my whole life. To a certain extent, I still am. I have a lot of social anxiety and I can't really talk to people very well, which is tough because I have to talk to people to get treatment.

But then again, who could I blame? It's not my fault I was born like this, but it is my fault I never got it fixed. I think I'm ready to accept I just wasn't strong enough to deal with it and decided to ignore it until it went away. But I am now, and I guess that's what matters.

To me, currently, the anxiety is the biggest problem I have, and I never really put the two on a balance. At first I thought that if I "fixed" my ADHD, things would get better, but I don't know why I thought one thing would lead to another. I have two separate problems that each require different kinds of treatment. In hindsight, obviously treating ADHD would not treat the anxiety. But it did better my quality of life.

Lately, something very personal has been bothering me. It's been a small source of anxiety for a while, but it came rushing to me as a much bigger issue. I thought it'd go away since it always does, but it's been getting worse, and I don't think the ADHD meds are really helping on that department. It feels like they make this anxiety worse. It's a constant internal struggle that I've been dealing with for the past couple of years. And now it feels like I've unearthed a bomb and it blew up on my face and now I'm dealing with the repercussions. I'm not gonna talk about what it is on this blog since it's a very personal matter, and I haven't really processed everything very well yet.

But I've cried over it. I haven't cried in years. Or, rather, haven't cried in years over something so emotionally personal. This has affected me a lot more than I thought it would. Maybe it's time I find a psychologist too.

I think now I finally have a real plan. I've created a loose step-by-step plan to get everything in my head properly sorted. There are many things I want to achieve, but I have to achieve inner peace first. I start with the ADHD, get my finances in order, work through my social anxiety, then move from there. Maybe in 5 years I'll be a real person. I wish I could be a real person now, but life doesn't work like that.

I don't want this post to sound like I'm sad, even though I am upset at the current state of my life. It's more so for me to visualize my thoughts. I found that the last time I did something like this, it helped me organize my head a little, so I think I should start doing it more often. I guess the TLDR is that things suck and not everything can be fixed, but I am trying to focus on the things I have at least some semblance of control over.

I just want to be normal.

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

Man those people on your ‘why are you straight edge’ poll are really showing their disdain for people who engage with any sort of drug… if I may add, I voted for having a medical restriction (my liver is failing thank youuuu immune system) AND I also take prescription opiate medication to help with pain. Every time I take my painkillers on days where I’m not working so that I can enjoy my hobbies I have complicated feelings about it because anti opiate rhetoric is just EVERYWHERE and it’s like… I just want to have a nice day. Getting over the ‘oh but it can be ADDICTIVE’ stigma is so important and it’s really not different just because I have a prescription. People who are so nasty about drug use for recreation are so stressful to me.

Ikr it's like people have such disdain for addicts, and drug users in general. I get upset about this because while I personally am a very casual user and I spend most of the time sober and am self assured so I can walk people being dicks about it off, but I know addicts and their lives are hard enough without all the stigma piled on top of it. I just wish everyone could be addiction neutral and pro harm reduction but they're so moralistic about it. I wasnt the politest I could have been about people not drinking and having sex because I was trying to keep it light and I know people take things like this really serious and it kinda backfired.

But like I totally know what you mean about the opioid thing. I really think that our society could benefit from being a little more addiction neutral, because yeah sometimes substance dependency does ruin your life, but I'm neurodivergent and I've met people where I think that doing life with drugs is better for them. Like you raise a great point about opioids. They're dangerous and addictive but if you're in pain because of a disability you need pain management. It's not really an option if you want to lead a normal life. There's a lot of heroin addicts who got that way because they needed pain management and their doctors refused them on the basis that they might become addicted, but taking a daily pill to improve your life, while it may be illegal depending on the substance, isn't bad. I bring up my own neurodivergence because I've heard of the same thing with ADHD and stimulants. Most people who have an ADHD diagnosis can get an Adderall prescription, but undiagnosed people and people falling through insurance cracks will sometimes turn to the street version. And it's like those people, both the ones with a script and the ones who are self medicating, should not be forced to live a substandard life because of someone else imagines there's some purity to a life without drugs. The goal should be to get those people the drugs they need in the safest way possible.

And I come down really easy, to the point where I forget to take prescription meds and don't experience any ill effects, but I have a friend who experiences a come down from their adhd meds thats not unlike the comedown ive seen from my other friend who's a meth user, and this friend with the ADHD meds can't function without them. But when the doctor and the pharmacist get them their meds on time they live a perfectly happy fulfilling life. That's what I mean when I say I'm addiction neutral. Most people who get addicted didn't just pick up heroin or whatever one day for shits and giggles. When I fuck around with "highly addictive" substances I make sure I'm in a good place and it's not a problem to drop them. People who develop problems are usually either they're escaping from something or self medicating. The goal for society can't be to never do drugs we've had drugs literally for longer than we've been humans.

I've heard second hand of a study which I haven't gone looking for, I might, because as you can tell this is a bit of a soap box for me, where they gave Heroin addicts a prescribed dose of heroin like you would pick up Percocet for chronic pain at a pharmacy, and because those addicts weren't shooting up mystery amounts and worrying where they were going to get their next hit from so they didn't start rattling and all the other things that make addicts lives hell, they were able to start doing things like holding down jobs. That study should have been a game changer. I want addicts to be able to live, and selfishly I want to be able to go to the drug store when I'm bored and say "one mdma high no fentanyl please" and leave with something to spice up the afternoon. That's like, not a moral failing on my part even though I'm not self medicating I'm just having fun.

The way the war on drugs has ruined drugs, which like, genuinely drugs are sort of magical when you think about it. Not just the fun ones either. Like when I was a baby I had a really bad bladder infection that absolutely would have killed me if I had had that same situation just like 100 years ago, but my mom was able to force a pill down my throat and it went away. Since then I've probably had at least a dozen little things like that that would have killed me dead if someone hadn't invented a chemical that could interact with my body and make it genuinely not a problem. and the fact that we have that for things like chronic pain and we're too afraid to use it because of stigma is so insane. Like god forbid people get high.

[turtlemagnum]

so it turns out that the steam version of the sega genesis classics collection has steam workshop support, where apparently you can just... upload roms, into the official steam workshop, and it just works because at its core it's just an emulator that you paid for the right to play them legally. fucking mario 1 is on here. i can't believe i can play mario 1 on steam without any actual piracy on my end, it's fucking amazing. honestly wish nintendo would release their old games on steam, though frankly i can only see that happening if and when someone like me (or just me) becomes a rich asshole with more money than geoff bombos and buys nintendo just so they can force them to actually make their older fucking games available, like jesus christ nintendo just let me buy mario 1 on steam normally i'd pay at least a dollar for it, probably more like 5 dollars given how that shit tends to get priced. let me buy pokemon red and just put up pokemon bank on steam. just have that shit use the standard steam cloud save infrastructure or something, i don't give a shit man. i wanna play ocarina of time on PC and have my saves be backed up online so i can pick up and play from device to device and never lose progress!!! it would make you guys sososososoososososososoooo much money, and yeah it'd technically make piracy easier but piracy of nintendo games is already piss easy, which is why i DEFINITELY DON'T have hundreds of gigabytes worth of nintendo games on my PC, do NOT sue me i believe copyright infringement is a VILE EVIL and everyone who does it is DEFINITELY GOING TO HELL. my copy of ship of harkinnian uses COMPLETELY LEGALLY DUMPED VERSIONS of ocarina of time, and you can't legally prove otherwise. hey did i mention that i've slept about 2 hours in the past day? like from around 5 to 7 this morning i tried to sleep and woke up and went to mcdonalds because i was so fucking hungry, like god dude i was starving by 5 but mcdonalds only opens at 7 on the inside so i had to wait until then. since then i've essentially been running off of my ADHD meds and the moderate amounts of caffeine i've drunk 2day. like me saying "moderate amounts" isn't me doing a little haha funny misnomer i only drank like two full cups of pop today, once at mcdonalds and once at dinner with my grandparents. side note but i'm glad that i had the sense to look up the actual BDS website and see that mcdonalds either stopped being boycotted or never was in the first place, because apparently they're a lot more selective than social media people about that sorta shit, who'd'a thunk. anyways i'm glad because it's the only food place in the area open that early and what i order is relatively inexpensive, at least by modern fast food standards. i'll never understand people who get mcmuffins with egg when the ones with just the sausage are half the goddamn price and the egg is nasty anyways. like i'm not an egg hater or anything i'm just pretty sure fast food eggs are less so Actual Eggs and moreso solidified sulphur given marginal nutritional value. i xhould Fucking sleep. good nigh.....

[apoptoses]

whats your favourite way of writing.. typing on a laptop, quill in bloody ink, a specific program when the moon is grey etc.. whatever you wish to answer

oh man i have a Method™:

I bought this insane gaming laptop so I could bg3 for like two months but now it's just for movies and writing lol So always, always laptop. I cannot hand write, I used to cry in school over frustration over having to hand write essays in class on tests because my hand cannot keep up with my brain and then i dyslexia all over the place.

-Disjointed fic ideas go in the notes app on my phone so I can add ideas on the go. Anything that I think really hits gets typed over into the fic doc at the very bottom so I remember to utilize it.

-Always start in scrivener, always set to dark mode. I have a single scriv doc for oneshots where I just make a new text 'chapter' for a new fic, so anything non-chaptered and under 20k gets started in there. Write from start to finish, no going back.

-Once the fic is done in scriv I change the icon to a checkmark and paste the fic into google docs (also in darkmode thanks to a browser extension)

-Edit in google docs because it picks up typos that scriv misses, and also because the font change makes me see the words with fresh eyes.

Usually I'm an afternoon writer? Once the adhd meds and the coffee hit I'm ready to go, I feel I do my best work if I can start around 2pm and then putter around most of the day. If under duress I'll write at night but unless I have a friend running a sprinto I usually just don't lol

Also I have my Writing Chair, which is this ugly lift recliner my grandma got but never used. I think better when I'm in it because it forces me to sit up and it's not as cushy as the couch. And also it's next to the bookshelf so all VC books are within reach at all times. But if it's nice out I also like writing outside, less temptations out there like the TV. I got a lot done outside on my porch at night with kacy here but that was in summer when it was warm enough for that sort of thing lol

Anyways I think it's important to have a method and a ritual!! A dedicated Writing Zone tricks your brain into focusing, and then everything else is just finding programs and habits that work for you.

[pocket-size-cthulhu]

Good morning.

Some scientists believe ADHD is caused by the brain processing dopamine inefficiently.

The brain requires chemical homeostasis and if you're processing less dopamine than you need, you are perpetually doing things to help stimulate dopamine production, whether that's impulsiveness, speaking out of turn, making jokes at inappropriate times, picking fights, fidgeting, zoning out, etc.

Worse, when you're asked to do something that's unpleasant and won't allow you to do something rewarding at the same time, like paying a bill or doing math homework, your brain riots because it NEEDS the dopamine and this is actively preventing you from getting what you need. Until you're down to the wire and adrenaline floods your brain, allowing you to Do The Thing on that momentum alone, you're stuck.

You don't get to choose to ignore your brain's need for chemical homeostasis; you have to treat it or work around it somehow.

Stimulant medications address the brain's immediate need for happy chemicals. This is why stimulants calm ADHD people down. Suddenly the brain is no longer screaming for dopamine, and you are actually enabled to do the things, including the boring or difficult things, that you've been wanting to do all along. This is also why caffeine puts a lot of ADHD people to sleep. The brain, finally having what it needs, is calm.

i get why people are scared of stimulant medications but like, when you have ADHD and you're properly dosed, it's not addictive. Because your brain chemistry is different. You're not getting a high, you're actually calming down, for once in your entire life.

It's not like ADHD meds don't come with side effects and downsides. If i could function without them, I'd prefer to, because the side effects are a bummer. I also don't like feeling like i rely on a crutch, especially when shortages, politics, misinformation and ableism make the future of access to them so uncertain; but i feel similarly about my glasses. Kinda wish i didn't need em. You know?

But even with all that said, meds have been a miracle for me. Over the last couple years, my self-confidence has grown. The feeling of fear and failure that's hung over me literally my entire life is lifting, because I'm finding i consistently have the capacity to meet people's expectations and do what's most important. I'm less anxious about unpleasant tasks, because i can be confident in my ability to do them before they pile up. I'm able to be present more often, at work and in the rest of my life. I can show up for my friends. I'm no longer constantly scared that others will Find Out that I'm Faking It, because yeah, I'm a hot mess, but i can get crap done when i need to now usually. I'm actually making significant progress towards goals I've had for years and never been able to start on. I'm discovering that with some strategy, i can have some consistent habits. I'm having more compassion with myself and cutting myself some slack when i do fall short.

Meds haven't fixed everything for me; progress has come slowly with a combination of meds, therapy, getting older, and settling down in life. And i still struggle a lot, with things like keeping my space clean and consistently doing tasks that i don't like or that cause me sensory issues etc. I still struggle with a LOT of shame around my ADHD, every day when i step over that pile of laundry or try to remember where i left my phone. But I'm not constantly scared I'm about to be fired anymore. I'm not ending the workday exhausted from anxiety and spinning my wheels after a long day of under-performing. I'm not so plagued by the feeling that I'm letting everyone down or that I'll never be able to achieve my goals. Compared to a few years ago, i am so happy, calm and confident--i wouldn't have recognized current me.

Meds are a miracle. Thanks for coming to my ted talk

[hiccanna-tidbits]

AKGHBKUEFYDGJ when I tell you I just BARELY got all my submissions from last year's Hiccanna month in in time for this year's Hiccanna month--

Truly I have levels of procrastination inside me that most college students can only dream of.

So anyways, here's a moodboard for a fic I wrote a full-ass year ago. A moodboard that I made...last week XD Better late than never, I guess?

The fic is We're at the movie scene where everyone drowns, and it's also posted both on my AO3 Infrared_Ultraviolet and my ff.net Infrared-Ultraviolet! Go check it out :3 Hopefully I'll have the time and energy to write more full-length one-shots for Hiccanna month this year, but we will have to see! I'm a working woman now earning the big bank so I can continue to pay my internet bills and maintain the fandom lifestyle XD

Anna gets to have terrible insomnia because she is my beloved projection blorbo and she gets to deal will all of my issues for me <3 But hey, it's not like it doesn't have canon basis! We see that she does in fact have trouble getting up in the morning (enough to make it a running gag!) and is pretty bleary and out-of-it when she does, which could easily be the result of not running on much sleep and (unwillingly) staying up late. We can also see pretty consistently that she's not what would be considered a "morning person" (although I have my doubts such a thing even exists in real life). Anna's pretty heavily ADHD-coded, which often has insomnia as a side effect because your brain will not turn off ever, least of all when you need to sleep. Things like time blindness when you get super into doing something right before bed or existing anxiety and/or paranoia that's exacerbated by the ADHD really do not help, either.

Anyways, I'm here to tell you that the fear of forgetting your sleep meds when you're going on a short trip/crashing at a friend's house is very, very real. Especially since you often don't realize it until everyone else is already dozing off and no one wants to take you to the pharmacy to buy more XD At that point, your options are a) start taking shots in hopes the alcohol drowsiness will put you to sleep or b) lie awake and get bored and angry and hate your life and also have no one else to talk to because everyone else went to sleep in under 5 minutes. Yes, it really is that bad.

The one upside is that there IS the possibility you will get to watch your crush sleep in a non-creepy way (like you didn't seek them out like a stalker--you just can't go the fuck to sleep and they happen to be 5 feet away!) and fawn over how cute they look doing it XD Which is the only thing that gets Anna through the night, I'm pretty sure!

Although being alone with the stars and the creature noises doesn't sound half bad, if you HAVE to stay awake XD Better than staring at the wall of your room, anyways! Still praying for Anna to get that Starbucks the next morning, tho ^^;

Man, I really wish my college campus had had a duck pond with amusing but occasionally aggressive geese. We had some pretty insane squirrels, but staring down a squirrel is just not the same as being chased by a hissing goose. This is something that I think should happen to everyone at some point, to keep humanity humble. Also being followed around by hungry honking geese while you try to evade them and go to class sounds like the exact kind of college shenanigans I needed in my life! Instead of the depression-laden mess it actually was ajnsdlkuhkuedgh

I love the idea of Anna kinda inadvertently memorizing Hiccup's freckle patterns and finding little designs in them, like constellations <3 She pays WAY too close attention to him, and it shows XD I remember back in college I was gone af for this one guy, and I noticed he had this freckle pattern on his cheek that kind of looked like a baseball diamond. And I adored the fuck out of it ;____; If anyone replaced him with a clone who didn't have that little baseball diamond, I would catch on SO DAMN FAST. I imagine Anna would do the same thing with Hiccup XD Ain't nobody swaps Hiccup for a doppelganger without Anna being ON THE FUCK TOP OF IT.

Pretty pleased with how this one came out! I kind of wanted to do a juxtaposition of dark pics with well-lit pics, and I think the end result turned out pretty decent! Also ended up with a green, orange/brown, purple, and black color scheme, which all go together surprisingly well :O

Any modern AU Anna would also definitely own that exact greenish-blue sweater. Just sayin!

As always, pic credits available upon request!

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

july 4, 2021 7:30 p.m. adam's house

[wyatt] maybe you’re bored of it and that’s fine! but dad says you were really, really good, like you have trophies and all kinds of stuff like that, and you got on the local news one time because you won the state championship, and, uhhh, you have a friend that plays in the NHL and he was really nice to me that one time...

[grant] hey, buddy, the answer is yes, i promise.

[grant] seriously, it’s not a problem. i'd also be happy to teach you or practice with you. i may not play anymore but that doesn't mean i wouldn't change that for you. i love you guys. you're family. i would literally do anything for you.

[wyatt] dad doesn’t know how to skate at all, so he can't help. and if i go without help, i'm gonna suck. i mean, i can skate and shoot and everything, but i'm not good.

[grant] look, you won’t be bad at it! it’s just a learning curve, but you’re young. kids are like sponges. you absorb skills so much easier at your age. and by the way, listen to me, when you play in games, call me and i'll come to them, too! i'll be so annoying in the stands with your parents. you’re going to wish we weren’t there, that’s how annoying we’ll be.

[wyatt] yeah. i just think it’d be so cool to play in the NHL. i wanna be like, uhhh, gordie howe or steve yzerman! or like your friend!

[grant] i think you should go for it, then! anything is possible if you set your mind to it. and i'd be thrilled to help you get there. just remember us little folks when you hit the big stage.

[wyatt] but mom says education is important and i should do college hockey first.

[grant] i agree with her. i mean, college isn’t everything, and it’s not a requirement, but if you become a pro athlete, you usually, like, are skipping out so much on middle school and high school to get there. that’s what really hurts you. college helps you avoid going out into the world clueless in that case.

[grant] but not to get on my soapbox there.

[wyatt] did you like it at michigan?

[grant] uhh...

[ezra] he didn't!

[grant] why you all want to know so much about me? i'm a just a boring old man who apparently played video games in black and white. surely there’s way more interesting kid-friendly stuff to chat about. like the actual hockey season that just wrapped up a couple months ago? we’re sick of tampa bay winning, right? like i couldn’t stand to watch the finals with them in it.

[wyatt] you hated it.

[grant] you really want to know? why so curious?

[ezra] i'm making the catboy! i'm naming him, uhhhhhh, spongebob. can i name him? pleaseeeeee.

[wyatt] make it spongebob catpants!

[ezra] okay! uhhh, s, um, p...where’s the o…oh, right there.

[ezra] he’s gonna be a magician guy, too. no weapons. only magic. i wanna melt people with lightning.

[grant] oh man, uhhh, mage kinda sucks in skyrim, plus we’re playing khajeet...you know what, we can work with that. excellent choices. i love it. i gotta get you on oblivion, though, if you like magic.

[wyatt] soooo, can i be nosy? mom says i'm nosy. especially when i'm not on my ADHD meds.

[grant] i don’t think you plan to stop asking, do you?

[wyatt] no.