#times like this i wish i had someone who could help me advocate for myself...

[thornestar]

I got my masters degree to break the cycle of poverty in my family. Instead I got sick and rely on disability.

I was mentally well before the disability. I had shit, but I had a handle on my shit. Now I’ve been subjected to neglect and abuse while helpless. I’ve been denied basic resources. My mental health is in the shitter. I should be hospitalized but I cannot go into a medical facility without having ptsd flashbacks. Medical professionals are the main perpetrators of my trauma.

I’m trying really hard to survive this. I’m beautiful, smart, talented, and a fucking artistic genius. I’m probably going to die of a preventable illness while bed bound.

I’m gonna need some rabid fans to sue the government when I go. Can you perverts get on board and love me already?

[damnedrainbows]

not doing good, bad day for autism. rant below of an autistic woman who’s made this iteration of a rant probsbly far too many times

you know I often advocate for myself and my community, get pissed when I hear shit like ‘curing autism’, embracing my own autism, but most of the time I realize if someone offered me a cure I’d take it. And I don’t even care that that would erase who I am as a person because I’ve come to find out that so much of me is because of my autism, maybe it’s the lesser of two evils

because maybe earlier if I recognized things better maybe I would have seen my brother was getting distressed when we were playing around and he said to stop. thing is the kid does that all the time, playfully saying stop and then getting annoyed when you listen cause he was joking. But no, he was actually upset and according to my family “I should have recognized the tone was different”

maybe when my gf started venting I would have acknowledged that they were just looking to vent and weren’t wanting my rigid solutions

and maybe I could still stare at my art without my eyes feeling like it’ll catch fire because I can’t…look at light that long anymore!

you know I make all these jokes and post funny things with me and gb where I say things without thinking it through and it can be hilarious, but most of the time it’s just. GUTTING. a reminder that no matter how much I”ve studied human behavior since childhood to avoid shit like this, it’ll just keep happening, and it’s not as endearing as I wish it could be, because people just get sick of it

I know I’ve probably bored my friends to tears with the different but same plot of ‘character learning they’re autistic’ because I do that plot so much or something related to autism because it’s my cope lmao I get to act out how I wish most people treated me, I get to resolve trauma with character that were mistreat3d because of it. it’s a plot that I’ll never get tired of doing because I need it

and then on top of everything, my tablet pen, one that is no longer made because they don’t make my tablet anymore, is GONE. I don’t know where, I just had it. And I mean, JUST had it. I’ve been drawing with it all day. I set it down, I don’t know where, and it’s gone!

and all this when I’m already nervous as fuck for my hair appointment tomorrow. you want to know why? scared of the hair dryer. what kind of pathetic pussy…cries at having their hair dried? I never liked grooming growing up, and itks why I never brush my hair, but who the fuck cries at a hair dryer, I haven’t had my hair dried by one of those since my sensitivity worsened. I don’t want to imagine the hell. and of course the appointment is made in the evening as her last client because I can’t be trusted to you know be normal

AND THEN I GET REPRIMANDED FOR NOT HELPING WITH THE FUCKING TV REMOTE THATS BROKEN WHEN IM HAVING A MELT DOWN “could you not sit down with me and show me for a few minutes?” NO I CANT BECAUSE I JUST SPENT THEPAST FIFTEEN MINUTES SLAMMING MY HEAD IN THE SHOWER

im not good it’s just not good. i want my fucking tablet pen i want to be normal. i want to…i cant even say what i want to do without having people worried for my safety. i just.

i can’t deal with being me much longer

[bananonbinary]

my experience with autism is so weird.

like, obviously, i'm high functioning, right? i have a large vocabulary, i score wonderfully on any type of standardized test, i was diagnosed "gifted" as a child, i understand social cues and facial expressions pretty decently and can mask extremely well for the length of time a stranger will interact with me. by any definition, i'm high functioning.

but.

i'm not.

i can't make my own food. i can't go outside. my executive function is so bad i can't problem solve extremely basic things like "there's a box on the counter where i wanted to sit." i need people to remind me to eat, and help me figure out what to eat. i ask someone else to help me any time i start a new task, just to sit in the room and tell me what steps to take. 99% of my days see me sitting in a dark, quiet room on my computer, because going out into the common areas of the house is Too Much, let alone going outside and interacting with people outside my family. any time i get any new stimulus at all (which happens like..once every two weeks) i get so stressed out that I have a complete meltdown that is EXACTLY what you think a Stereotypical Autistic Person looks like. (as one shitty doctor put it, "oh but you're not like, rocking in the corner or banging your head on the wall in your own little world." joke's on you, asshole. i AM doing that when i'm not here.) i lose the ability to communicate when faced with strangers and new situations, and sometimes just for no reason at all. this is after 6 YEARS of effort to improve.

I cannot live alone. I cannot advocate for myself in most situations. I need a high level of support, and i honestly believe my family could make a case to take away my legal rights if they wanted (thank god, they don't). by any REASONABLE metric, i SHOULD be classed as low functioning.

but.

i'm not.

i see people classed as "intellectually disabled," and "low functioning," and i'm not like them, i know it's an unbelievable privilege to be able to articulate myself in a way other people understand and listen to. i won't insult my siblings by saying i go through what they go through.

but.

but but but.

i understand them. far more than i understand the 'High Functioning' crowd. the people with jobs, and education, and errands, and their own houses. when some jackass points to a caricature of an autistic person, and expect me to laugh because surely I'M not like that, no one who's NORMAL struggles with things like that, they don't know that i'm NOT normal. i'm not low functioning, but secretly, i'm not high functioning either.

i wish i had a pithy way to tie this together. i just wish i Fit somewhere.

[boy-gender]

Hello!! Love your blog, and I had a question: I'm getting top surgery in 2ish months and I wanted to know what you think the hardest (physical) part was for the first couple weeks? I've heard kind of vague stuff from friends who've gotten surgery as well but I always appreciate seeing your view on things and figured I'd ask. Have a great day! ^w^

Absolutely happy to help!

The most difficult part physically for me was two things: the drugs and the bathing.

First of all, and this is not a universal thing, I'm allergic to heavy pain killers (oxy, morphine, etc). I get wild mood swings that can be dangerous. When I went for top surgery, it was the first summer of covid, and nobody could be with me in the hospital or even visit. So, newly out of surgery and drugged to high hell, I had to try to advocate for myself about only being given tylenol, and it did not work. The nurses repeatedly overrode my judgement and lo and behold, violent mood swings. Now that restrictions have relaxed, I HIGHLY recommend having someone with you that you trust and who knows your wishes regarding pain management. If you can't be your own advocate (and fresh out of surgery, you aren't going to want to) have someone else there to be your advocate.

The second and purely physical thing was not being able to bathe. I have autism, and being sweaty or sticky in any way makes me neurotic. I wash my face like a hundred times a day and I legit cannot go more than a day without a shower without going insane. But of course with bandages you can't shower. I highly suggest

1 having someone who can help you sponge your upper half or who will wash your hair for you bent over a sink 2 If a bath tub is available, you can be in it up to your hips and at least wash your bottom half. Be very careful getting out of a tub- you might want to put a stool in the tub and sit on that instead. Pushing yourself to standing from a tub can stretch your scars and if you care about that kind of thing, don't do that. 3 Shower head that comes out of the cradle is your friend. 4 WET WIPES. WIPE YOURSELF. WIPE YOUR PITS. DO THE PTA- pits, tits (around the bandages without disturbing them), ass. 5 Air conditioning and being shirtless. The less you disturb your drains the better- if you don't have to wear a shirt, go without it. Keep yourself cool to avoid sweating.

[thoughtfulfoxllama]

I wish I could just fully understand and know how to deal with my trauma

Even more than that, I wish more than anything I didn't have to go through the stuff I did. And I'm just mad that everyone I grew up around either actively harmed me, or stood by and let it happen

I never felt safe at home. My mother and uncle were in & out of jail, and drug addicts. My uncle was an alcoholic, who repeatedly attempted suicide in front of me. In the rare event they were both out of jail, they would shout at each other all the time, punch through walls & doors, and in one case, push each other across the room (leading to my mother dragging me out of the house, and trying to make me sleep on a park bench over the night)

And then there's how they'd treat me. If I got bad grades (basically, below A+), they would yell at me, telling me if never be worth anything. My mother told me that I'd better get a good job, so she can have somewhere to live when her mother dies. She lost custody of her little brother because of all the drugs she was on, and just needed to go to rehab for 6 months. I literally begged her, crying to go, but she didn't think it was worth it (showing how much she values us)

My uncle claimed he loved me, but treated me as "one of the guys" (and, I'm just saying, the fact he was in his 30s-40s, buying beer for teens, and letting his 4 year old nephew drink one is sus). That's when he wasn't dragging me out of bed in the middle of the night to eat dinner (giving me horrible rug burn on my chest after dragging me all the way to the kitchen), or burning me with a cigarette

And my grandmother, she basically raised me. She said she didn't want to lose another grandchild (my mother abandoned my sister with her paternal grandparents, and my older brother was taken away because she did Meth when she was pregnant with him). But, she said she'd never stop her from seeing me

The issue is, she neglected me. Anyone who knew me after 2016 knows about the time I had a 104° fever for 2 days straight, and I didn't go to the hospital (thankfully, the fever broke before I did). But the fact she knew her children were delinquents, and still got them to watch me is unbelievable. She continued to let them watch me, even when both of them had restraining orders, because they were too horrible to be around kids. But no one was there to advocate for me, so I had to live through that for 15 years

And then there's the mental stuff. I was horribly bullied at school (and still preferred it to home, which she knew, so that should've told her something), and she didn't question why. I was eventually diagnosed with ADHD & Depression. I'm self-DXed with Autism, but most places won't do adult testing. So, what did my grandmother do: she ignored it. She lied whenever someone asked if I was ever tested for ADHD or Autism (I never was, but she repeatedly said I wasn't). And I don't blame my teachers anymore (because there's apparently a stupid law that they're not allowed to even bring up the possiblity of a kid having some disorder), but I blame her for not caring enough to even look into it. And for instilling ableism I'm me, so I never considered the possibility (well, I considered it several times, but I refused to accept it, because I couldn't bring myself to actually look past my preconceptions until I was adopted)

Eventually, my life settled down when my Great-Grandmother had a fall, and we moved in. She didn't much like me, but we avoided each other for the most part. Then, my grandmother died. She never taught me to live on my own (I couldn't even do laundry). I lost 40 pounds in 2 months because I was just too depressed to eat. I still don't think I'm over it, because even though I'm mad at her, she was the woman who raised me

And I won't deny that religious trauma is real for most people, but the LDS Church helped me alot, and continues to help me. I have a community that actually cares, friends who genuinely like me, and a philosophy & theology that teaches I am divine, worth loving. I have issues with the culture (such as my worth being defined by my work), but ultimately, it does more good in my life

And I don't know how to deal with any of this. I still deal with self-hatred, occasional outbursts (which further deepen the aforementioned self hatred), and a general "eh" feeling (it's way worse without my meds, and I've had a few bursts of real happiness recently)

I don't want to hang on to the past. But I don't know how to deal with everything (because this doesn't even cover it all. I never mentioned things like when I was SAed when I was 5, because it wasn't done by anyone I was related to).

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw medical abuse, panic attacks

I have had a really bad experience with a doctor, which resulted in me leaving his office half-way through, and since then I am struggling with visiting any doc, even other kinds of.

It wasn't that bad right after, I visited other docs and told them "I have anxiety" but they never treated me really well. Some experiences where neutral, some bad, but none had given me back the trust in doctors. And now (4 years later) I can't visit any doctor anymore.

I have stuff to check and to get done, but I can't get myself to visit a doctor. Even thinking about it gives me panic attacks.

I have wasted hours, thinking about how it might be going and idk. I don't fear a bad outcome or another bad experience. I fear that I might get another panic attack half-way through and won't be able to leave and will have to bear it.

You know, I've spent so many more hours thinking about it, panicking, then it would take to check all of my issues. And that makes me real disappointed in myself and I feel trapped. You know, I could have done it already! For years! I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore, if I would've been braver in the past! I wasted so much time worrying, but still, I can't overcome it.

Most time I am okay but sometimes there's this intrusive thought "I still need to get X done" and then I get psychosomatic pain in that area and my stress goes up and I have another anxiety attack. More during the last months, because the heat adds into my general stress level.

The stuff is not urgent but knowing, even if it would be urgent, I couldn't go to a doctor, makes me anxious. And if I would finally do it, the intrusive thoughts would stop so, I really want to. I want to stop having to think about it all the time and worrying, and being angry with me for not being braver. But idk how.

Hi anon, I'm so sorry for the abuse you have suffered in the medical community and deeply empathize with trying to cope with the resulting anxiety from it. Without attempting to come across as diagnosing, or "planting an idea", I would encourage you to discuss your symptoms with a therapist - perhaps online vs in person if that might help alleviate some of the anxiety? - if anything so they might help validate your experiences, as well as discuss a treatment plan tailored for your needs (perhaps this is anxiety, perhaps this is PTSD, or something entirely different, and you deserve to discuss with a professional what your options are for managing your symptoms). I did find two articles (one related to handling medical anxiety, and coping with symptoms in general), and of course we have our page of coping/grounding resources as well. Finally, my only other possible suggestion might be to consider inviting along a trusted individual for moral support for your next appointment. Someone who might help be an emotional support, distraction, but can help encourage you to advocate for yourself, or even for you, if you find yourself becoming overwhelmed (though of course, discuss beforehand what you would like their support to look like for potential ground rules/boundaries). Afterwards, it could be a wonderful way to reward yourself for the mental labor of making it through a difficult moment by going out afterwards with them and doing something fun for you both? If you're not comfortable inviting something along, each medical clinic should have a patient advocate on site (though perhaps good to call ahead to ensure they are working at the time of your appointment), and share that you would like to discuss the option of having them in the room with you for similar support. Regardless, what happened to you should never have, and you deserve medical treatment when it is necessary and I do believe there are supports that might help with that as you move forward along your healing journey. I wish you well during the process, - Mod Kat

[yostresswritinggirl]

(CW: rant, depression, family, thought spiral)

Is it okay to ask for help with mental health, no matter how insignificant it could be? Even if maybe other people have it worse?

I want to get an appointment with a psychologist. I saved enough money for it to pay on my own. But the back of my mind is like 'why can't I just resolve it myself/why can't you just resolve it yourself' on repeat

It's largely because the one time I tried opening up to someone irl about wanting to meet a psychologist and that I have depression all my mother's responses are like "why are you like this", "what was wrong? you had everything", "you should just not feel/think like that", "talk to us (refering to my father and mother), you never say anything", "you should be able to resolve that, nobody and no grown up people have problems like those, they carry on", and etcetera similar along those lines.

For the few days after that she searched the internet and told me about ways to cope from her own understanding and what she found. To be honest I couldn't really stand and register the things she said, but if I try to remember back it was mainly toxic positivity.

Before that I really wanted to get an appointment with a psychologist. But after that I slowly ended up becoming numb and more hesitant about it. Thinking "technically, my problems aren't as bad as other people, nothing bad really happened to me, I should be able to resolve this on my own."

Nothing gets resolved. Hypothetically I can do it, but I couldn't.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Just–

Is it okay to ask for help with mental health, no matter how insignificant it could be? Even if maybe other people have it worse?

I'm worried my problems are like, not bad enough to warrant going to a psychologist when I get there. Not good enough for me to tell it to anybody. I don't know. I'm worried that it's pathetic and disgusting for me to be like this. (It is, isn't it? I had things, then why am I like this?)

(But if I see other people in my shoes my respond would be that it's not, that your feelings are valid and that's it's okay and normal to feel like that! Then why?)

(Just in case if I sound like I'm mad at my mother in the paragraphs before this, I'm not. Technically, she tried her best to understand and help me based on her limited knowledge and her own experience in life. I can't expect her to know all the appropriate and best ways to respond in that kind of situation. And tbh I regret telling her anything... It didn't help any of us, and it certainly only made her feel worse.)

· —

I'm really sorry for weighing you with this and how all over the place this is.

If you feel pressured or rushed to answer, you don't have to. Rather, you don't have to do anything.

Being able to write this out is a lot to me and it already somewhat helps me make clear of how I feel. It's enough. Sooner or later I'll figure something out.

Thank you for the open chance on ask and for being someone I feel enough comfort and safety to talk to, even though it's only in anon. I wish you all the best, luck, opportunity, and love, 💙!

Did you know that even those who don't have mental disorders ask for help from psychology career practitioners? Consultation about their education and course, what job path fits them best, those may seem like small things but they are great concern for some

It feels like my answer is biased since I'm a psych graduate myself but I definitely advocate to getting help, or at least getting checked. All of us have our own issues to deal with and we should best concern about our own troubles, life isn't a competition, you shouldn't compare your life to others. Think of it this way, if you think your problems are small in comparison to others, what if those you think you have more serious problems would also compare themselves and think there's are useless problems too?

Mental health is equally important for everyone, no matter what you think about your problems, everyone also deserves to get help and get treated. Even just confirmation and knowing can help you greatly, you know? When you find out what really troubles you, chances are you'll start to understand yourself even better.

Instead of beating yourself up, knowing the root cause of your problems may help you see yourself in a better light. It's not just being helped that is good for your mental health, but also understanding things about your mental health that also eases your mind.

Be kind to yourself, because you can also be a 'someone else who has it worse' to someone, and it would do no one better if you treat yourself this way.

It is okay to get help for something despite how insignificant it may be - because something like your mental health will never be insignificant to you, right? And if other people have it worse, not helping yourself won't help you or them. If other people have it worse, would you wait for yours to get worse before you get help? What if other people had it worse because they also thought their problems were insignificant, that they neglected their mental health until they reached that point of 'worse'?

I can assure you that I've been in a similar situation, but venting and being honest about how you feel are signs of you moving in the right direction. Not everyone would understand especially if they've never had a similar problem after all, but there will be a time that you will find the right person or the right environment, right atmosphere.

Ultimately, it is up to us to get help. A person can have all the opportunities to get help, but if they refuse to take it, then nothing will happen. If you were offered food and you refuse it, you will remain hungry. I don't want you to learn helplessness when you deserve to be at peace with life.

I'm glad you took your time to share and trust me with your concerns, anon, but I do apologize that it took a while - my whole weekend is taken up by my reviews (from 8-5) so I can't reply then, and I was also busy yesterday with an impromptu matter. I know my words can only mean so much until you come to your own conclusion, but I hope whatever you decide on, you will end up finding a chance to get your own happiness

[cypanache]

B, D, and S for the ask meme!

For the fandom ask game

B - A pairing you initially didn’t consider but someone changed your mind

Already answered here

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t (again: be nice)

Anidala. I have gained an honest appreciation for them just through my own journey of getting to know Padme as a writer. Much as Obi-Wan's relationship with Anakin is intrinsic to my understanding of him as a character, so is Padme's love for Anakin. If I'm going to write obidala in any universe, the first question I ask myself is how do I address the 'Anakin of it all'. So in wanting to handle them as respectfully as possible in my own writing, in a way that feels authentic to the character I really, really wish I enjoyed Anidala as a standalone ship more. I have gained a lot of insight into both Obi-Wan and Anakin and added layers to my versions of both characters through my capacity enjoy Obikin. There are some truly great writers out there for them who constantly challenge me to think about their dynamic from new angles. I am dead certain there are equally talented writers for Anidala and I could learn a lot about both characters if I enjoyed standalone fic for them more.

Unfortunately, I think the problem is I'm not sure that the things I love about Padme are the things Anakin loves about Padme and vis versa. As a result I must content myself with the great fic out there in the OT3 realm and the discourse I see on tumblr to help challenge, inform and layer my own understanding of them as couple.

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged)

May I direct your attention to the 30k+ of headcanon I am subjecting all of you to in the form of fic?

Honest to god, that's all 'A Trap of Your Own Making' is. Just me and my little personal headcanon attempting to bob and weave through the minefield of the SW universe.

On a more general note a few head canons that commonly show up as I shape story ideas anytime I'm working with these two:

Padme had some type of crush on Obi-Wan pre-Anakin. I play with the intensity and the duration depending on the story, and context.

Obi-Wan and Padme had/have a friendship/relationship that existed separate from Anakin. Again the timing of this relationship, context, and intensity moves a little. But I take it as canon, that both of them hold each other in a regard that stands separate an apart from simply being Anakin's Master/Brother/Best Friend; and Anakin's Crush/Lover/Not So Secret Wife

As a result of that relationship, Obi-Wan developed feelings for Padme that at the very least walked right up to the line of platonic. Whether and when he acknowledged those feelings (if ever). What he did or would have done as a result. And whether they were ever reciprocated entirely flexible. But really, let's be honest he would have done nothing. He would have lied to himself forever.

But since I'm guessing with 'prompts optional' piece, what you were really asking for was a fic excerpt, right? Okay, since Trap is just all my obidala headcanons shoved in one fic. Here we go, very rough cut of the opening section of Chapter 6 of Trap. Under the cut for "spoilers"

trap excerpt - ch 6

It take three days for the panel hearing the case against Gunray to return a verdict of guilty, and less than two hours for his advocates to file notice appeal. Padme struggles to maintain her composure as she listens to the Republic prosecutors explain that given circumstances Gunray will likely be released on his own recognizance while the appeal progresses through the courts.

Finally, her anger gets the better of her and she stands, cutting off the senior prosecutor mid-sentence.

"Well it seems this exercise has proved entirely pointless. Tell me gentlemen, what precisely is the point of having a law of the Republic if one may by virtue of having a sufficient number of credits, continue to avoid the exercise of those laws indefinitely?"

Doesn't bother staying to hear their answer. There's nothing they could say anyhow.

On their way out, she instructs Corde to see to their departure within the day. Anakin returned planet-side the day after the defense rested. Obi-Wan's been unavailable ever since, and she finds Coruscant has lost much of its luster in his absence.

There's nothing for her here anymore.

--

She forces herself to wait until they have at least left the surface before finally giving into the impulse to comm him. Holds her breath waiting for the signal to connect, and tries not to read to much into it when the link is declined.

He warned her she would never be the priority. She can hardly fault him for the fact this proves true.

--

There's a message waiting for her when she returns from reviewing the recommendations from her advisors regarding what Gunray's appeal means for Naboo's ongoing dealings with the Trade Federation going forward.

I heard. I'm so sorry.

She cries when she reads it. Locks herself in her cabin, puts her back against the door and sobs. Screams. Rages. Let's herself feel it all for the first time in years. Let's herself be weak with it, irrational about it, because for the first time in forever she feels like she can.

And it's so stupid. Because it's nothing really. Just words. Just five simple words. Probably dashed off with barely thought. Five, simple, stupid, wonderful words that mean there's someone out there who cares about nothing more complicated or consequential than how she's doing. Not the intricacies or the implications. Not the fallout or response. Not Naboo, or even Amidala, really. Just her. Just Padme.

Which makes it everything.

[vulpine111]

I just woke up and this is something that comes back to haunt me a lot, still. (Even years later.)

I remember while I was recovering from living in and out of wards at the mental home, I was out of it to the extent I had an unrealistic idea of when I'd die. This was due to an HPV diagnosis and a biopsy where they found abnormal cells. I wasn't sure if I would die while under anesthesia for the procedure to burn off the start of cervical cancer or how good my kidneys still were after prior attempts to end it all.

It can also take years to fully bounce back from the level of psychosis I suffered. I was still low-key psychotic at that place because the meds they had me on were sub par and my dad was trying to say I'm not "allowed" to advocate for myself and try something that might work better.

Due to fear/anxiety, I asked one of my then friends something rather rude. Basically, if I could stay with her. I didn't think it would be for long either. I just needed someone to agree that their address was where I was headed to prevent the mental home from filling out a missing person's report. I didn't want to just rot there.

It was an inappropriate question which I am wholeheartedly sorry for, but I still don't understand why she took it muchly out of context and cut ties with me. She went a step further to insult me and my character before doing it too.

I was dealing with a lot of emotional abuse from my parents at the time. My mother fed into my fears. When I explained I wanted to be buried here in New Mexico, she said I "wasn't coming home." I was going to be cremated and sent to some plot she owns in Ohio because I'm not even worth the cost or time a proper funeral entails.

In such a vulnerable state, I don't know how to fully explain how much it messed with my head to be treated like some irredeemable, worthless monster who doesn't truly care for anyone or even deserve the courtesy of having my remains handled as I wish.

I do care about other people. I care about everyone at least a little bit. Even people I don't understand.

When I'm psychotic, I don't, though! Why? Cuz I ain't there! I wish people wouldn't take it personally, but it can be hard not to if you've never been mentally compromised, I suppose. I basically just didn't have the "room" to care.

The capacity. The bandwidth. Whatever you want to call it. It wasn't there because I was depleted from my brain doing what it does instead of work the way it's supposed to.

I understand (to outsiders) psychosis is disturbing to deal with over the years, but imagine how it must feel for the person going through it. I tried to explain all this to her, but she wouldn't hear me.

She said, "Psychosis sucks but it isn't a reason to be nice to you."

As if we schizophrenics are sub-human and less worthy of compassion. It still hurts, okay? It hurts. It hurts I was dismissed about something I can't even help and am doing my best to manage. Psychosis doesn't just "suck." It's devastating.

Many people still demonize and stigmatize me for what I've been through even though they wouldn't last one day in my shoes and I'm just tired. Sometimes, the grief eats at me and I cry.

It's a huge burden to carry and I don't comprehend why God gave it to me while depriving me of what I hoped to have by now.

Some people are lucky. Their lives are full. I wish my life was like theirs. They have careers, partners, homes, pets, and other blessings I wish I had. This friend who dropped me is way more fortunate than I've ever been.

She has a family. A husband. A house. An education. A job and the ability to hold that job. She's appreciated and loved in ways I probably never will be.

The least she could have done was be there for me while I try and pick up the pieces of my shattered psyche, but after a while, people get sick of tolerating the poor pathetic mental patient.

I wish God had dealt me a better hand.

It's not fair.

[giantkillerjack]

Actually, things that give you joy matter more than ever in times of horror, and without joy, revolution is meaningless.

Hey hi if you feel you are living in a state of constant horror, then it is more vital than ever to take comfort from wherever you can find it as often as you can.

The idea that the truest and more morally pure form of existence is constant austere self-sacrifice - holding off your own joy and happiness until all the world is righted - is a terribly handy idea for keeping capitalism alive.

Humans need leisure to be healthy.

And yet many of us feel we are the last person who deserves rest. I certainly used to. I still have to remind myself every day that I deserve to be okay.

And guess what?

The idea that some people deserve rest and leisure inherently more than others is one of the capitalist lies that got the world into this mess.

When my wife writes stories of revolution, she makes a point to include a joy in the rebel groups. The rebels party! they taste life! they have community!

They aren't fighting for vague ideas of justice and obligation and goodness, but rather to protect what they love. And in order to do that, they first must have things they love!

You need things to love or you will wither. And then you will need more help than you are able to give. And you'll deserve that help then too.

Your first mission of saving someone must be yourself; there is no other way.

Small joys have the power to keep people alive through Hell.

Every single step you take towards separating joy from shame, you take a step towards freedom.

If you feel like you are at your absolute limit, there's a good fucking chance you are. And at that point, shame becomes very very dangerous.

Listen. I used to believe if I just pushed myself hard enough, I could do anything and therefore I felt it was irresponsible and even cruel of me to rest.

This attitude crippled me.

I mean literally crippled me. My whole life, I wouldn't stop for joy or rest or healing or anything. I thought I could save everyone, which meant it was somehow my fault for not doing that yet.

And eventually I developed fibromyalgia from pushing my nervous system to its breaking point. It broke my body. I don't blame myself for pushing so hard in a world that kept demanding just that. But I do hope to tell people the things I wish I had heard.

Comrades, many of us are fighting for the right to rest. I fight for my own and for yours.

So if you feel like you are barely hanging on, then I am dead fucking serious when I say the best thing you can do for me and for this world is to get as much rest and healing as you possibly can.

Enjoy as many small and silly fixations as you can find.

Do every single thing you can to make your life worth living as long as you are not actively harming innocent people

Not having time and energy to help more does NOT equal harm!

You are a growing tree and if you try to hold too much before your branches are strong enough, you could snap. And if you try to hold up the sky alone, it could kill you.

When you are stronger, you can share from your excess time and strength and energy: you can go out and advocate and help people and become a supporting pillar in a loving community!

Your growth and thriving can do so much more good for the world than your misery ever could!

Hell, I am fighting so you will suffer less.

So what good does your sacrifice do me if you are just hurting yourself in the exact way I want to sacrifice myself to help YOU? When does it end?

Where are we when only the most "deserving" are allowed to rest?

Why is it morally better to suffer more?? In fact, Catholicism can suck it:

Martyrdom is a bad goal and an even poorer gift.

And I don't want it. I won't accept it.

I want you alive.

I want you enjoying things.

I want you to have enough joy in your life that the fight for a better world seems possible because that is the point!

Because if you can do it, then I can do it.

When you are kind to yourself, the world is kinder. And you are showing people it is possible to be kind to oneself.

"Oh but so many people have it worse than me!" - Yes! Yes, Of COURSE they do! This fact will always be true, and yet all of those people matter! But how will you help any one of them in the long-term if you don't stop even when you feel you will cry from the guilt and stress of reading a fan fiction??

Nevermind that the more trauma a person endures, the more likely they are to believe they don't deserve simple pleasures! Or that even the people that DO have it the worst feel often feel the most like they don't deserve it!

"Seriously though, people have it way worse than I do!!!" - And what are you, the tipping point? Only those in worse shape than you deserve basic nice things? Exactly how much worse off do they have to be before they deserve to watch an episode of TV?? How many minutes of relaxation per childhood trauma per week?? How shall they then prove what they have earned? and why does everyone better off than you not deserve to enjoy small nice things?? And if they do, why would you be the one exception???

Joy and rest and leisure are human rights! They are not a privilege they are human rights. The fact that you are suffering less than someone else means that BOTH of you deserve less suffering. Less joy for one of you is counterproductive.

The last things our enemies want is for you to rest.

At this point in capitalism, joy needs to be present for revolution in any positive form to take place.

So, please, please, enjoy your silly little things. At the end of the day, they are neither silly nor little.

the cycle of trying to enjoy my silly little hyperfixations to distract from the horrifying reality that is our country/world but then feeling guilty and irresponsible for devoting time and attention to things don’t matter while said reality is horrifying

[aafrillia]

DAY 1: DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY

Do you think when describing one’s personality, it should be someone else’s job who seems to know that person?

It can be true, but now I’d like to describe my personality on my own as I believe that we have to know ourselves better, so this is the way I’m learning about myself.

When talking about personality, we think of the way someone behaves around people. But I think it can be more because I know for sure that personality is to be made. I don’t mean we’re faking, but it’s more like we act differently depending on the situation we’re in or people we talk with.

In that case, I’d like to describe myself based on the MBTI test and questions as references.

Let’s start with the MBTI test result I just got. It’s said that my personality type is INFJ-T (Advocate), which is not so surprising because I almost always get the same result every time I take the test. Never start with E, because I am a certified introvert.

The results describe my personality in several categories, but I will focus on the personality traits only. I’m well aware that I’m an introvert, but to get into details of my personality thoroughly is still quite daunting. I believe the traits and numbers are kind of different from my previous MBTI test result, so it’s surprising that this one feels more accurate than the last.

Energy: No doubt that I prefer keeping my circle small and meaningful rather than having a big group of friends, given how easily social interaction can drain my energy.

Mind: To say that I’m intuitive can be an overstatement, but I want to confidently proclaim I’m an open-minded person; I’m not afraid of having uncomfortable conversations.

Nature: Being sensitive is not really pleasant because you often prioritize someone else’s feelings first over yours, but I guess that is part of me that I should be proud of.

Tactics: I can’t say I’m a 100% organized person, but I definitely value structured planning over spontaneity. Though sometimes I can be spontaneous too.

Identity: I’m all that in the description; self-conscious, sensitive to stress, success-driven, perfectionistic, and eager to improve.

I believe the result doesn’t show the whole picture of my personality, which I think doesn’t represent me the best. So let’s try to ask some deep personal questions for myself.

I will choose several questions that I think can describe me well as a person.

What’s the one thing you would like to change about yourself? I would like to be more comfortable about myself, be more confident, and be more humble. Ah! I wanna change my spending habits too, LMAO.

What kind of parent do you think you will be? To put this question here may be irrelevant, but me now and me in the future as a parent wouldn’t be as far. I wish I could be a loving parent who provides and nurtures my children in the best way possible; becoming their best example of being a decent human and doing things properly, so as to give them a decent environment to live and grow.

Are you confrontational? I am not brave enough to confront someone first because I am worried of offending that person.

What would your best friend say is your best quality? Probably ���understanding’.

What or who would you sacrifice your life for? My family, especially Ibu and Ayah.

What do you hope you grow out of? I hope I can grow out of taking things personally and overly self-critical.

What brings you the most joy in life? Little things such as moving my body along with the music, listening to music I’m currently obsessed with, watching cats, crocheting, spending time with my family, helping others though it may be small, seeing my students do well in their classes bring me joy in life.

When was the last time you really panicked? It’s when my mother had her first seizure. I’ve never been scared in my whole life, but when I saw my mother lose control of her body, it was terrifying. Thank God, my mother is getting better now. I hope it never happens again. Aamiin.

Do you lose your temper easily? I don’t think so, but sometimes when I am in a low mood or PMS, I will probably snap, LMAO. It’s not often, okay? Compared to my teenage years, I’ve become much better at managing my temper now in my adult life. Rather than getting angry, I choose to step away and be alone to manage my emotions (re: cry myself to sleep).

What qualities do you admire in others? Honesty and humility.

I hope through these questions, they can show and describe my personality better.

[jazzhandzz]

ETÉREO

I have been neglecting my writing for a while now, caught up in life, yet it feels like I've been neglecting life in of itself by doing so.

As I look out the car window into the nightsky, seeing our galaxy loom over me, into the somber night, the light millions of light years away touching my pupils; through them tugging at my heartstrings.

So much confusion, peace, love, resentment, loniless, and yet appreciation for life. This is why I'll always look up, always chase a sunset, always, try to surround myself in nature. Only these experiences could make me such strong emotions and love for life.

Seeing the stars so far off from me, yet the moon larger than life. As if I could reach out my window and grab a piece. I can't help but wonder if love is millions of light years away from me or whether it's around the corner wait to be grasped. Surrounded by family yet homesick, is truly a curse and blessing. Fortunate are those that experience the joys of family and yet unfortunately you can have all the family around you and still be surrounded by your loneliness.

This is not unfamiliar territory, though you have always been alone. Loneliness is a good friend of ours. I find that every time I allow myself to feel and open myself up, I begin to believe that perhaps even I am able to experience that warmth. However, as soon as I become accustomed to this philosophy, the world gets pulled from under my feet, knocking me on my ass. A reminder of the cold reality of where I truly must belong.

A Shadow,

A Helper,

An Advocate,

A Messenger,

An Euspongia,

These are the roles I can play for others. These are the roles I excel at. Right now the future seems so unsure. For someone who is so sure footed to those around him, I feel at a loss when I try to come up with a bigger picture than these roles that I play for others. What does my story look like? Who's main character am I, if not my own?

Questions. That's something I am very good at, I love to think, I love to wonder, and I love to think, and most of all, I love to question. I wish I was just as good at coming up with answers. I can sit on a cliff's edge over a 100 foot drop into the endless ocean as the sunsets over the mountains. For hours my eyes graze the infinite horizon for answers and yet I'll leave the very spot with even more questions.

Some questions I have yet to find answers to.

My entire life, I have had a feeling, like all this energy in me, all the skillsets, the different attributes I have, I must be destined for a special moment. Yet I feel none of this has happened. This cannot be it, I feel like one day I'll die a sudden death saving someone, or invent something, or be at the right place right time to use all my skills to save someone, to change the world. Perhaps I have the missing key inside me to make this world a better place. I don't know. Perhaps my grandiose is just that hyperactive. Will I ever do something worth more? To impact lives. Or is my current self what I am destined for?

My entire life, I gave grown-up alone. People come and go. I've been embossed into this reality since birth. However, I can't help but yearn for home. A place of being wanted, not as any of the roles above but being wanted as I am. Every since bibi passed away, I feel my last companion in this world left me. Now I wander in search for someone who can see me, who can notice me as she noticed me. Her shinda putt, nothing missed her. She loved to sit and listen to my stories. She was my pen, my paper, my sword, my shield, my world, my heart. To this day, tears blur my vision as I think about the void I am left to fill since she left. Will I ever have a home? Will I ever be loved? Will someone ever want to listen? Will someone care to ask? Will someone feed my soul and body? Will someone share a sunset, a starry sky, a good movie, a fireplace, a warm meal, and hot chocolate with me and still have their eyes for me? It's unfair to have such a pressure there for someone, and perhaps that's why I find myself alone, I refuse to settle for love that isn't this deep. I am able to accommodate and okay roles for everyone else in my life, I just want one person I can be myself for. A love so deep it transcends distance, time, language, and touch. A love of souls. Perhaps this will be the one thing I lose at in life l, since I've been fortunate with the others.

It is about perspective. You win what you perceived a win. You could run into first place and still consider it a loss if you dont run the time you'd hope for yourself. Meanwhile, the 5th place runner could have set a personal record and cares not for a podium. Which would I rather be? The podium is nice, and so is the high of a dopamine rush from crushing your limits. The answer for me is inconclusive, life is a balancing act between the podium and the perspective. Somethings in life are worth being unhappy for until you achieve the results you seek like a podium or new promotion, however, don't let it consume you to the point where you are not able to appreciate the 5th place finishes.

This text is, but a drop currently in my well. I am everywhere and anywhere, as we drive back to Barcelona, sad and yet at peace, as if I've become to love the sadness. The familiarity brings comfort. It is not alarming or estranged. I wish it were not so.

The irony lies in the fact that I enjoy a very fortunate life, currently I am on day 13 of a month long vacation, hitting all of Spain, UK, Scotland, Ireland. I have the job I worked very hard to acquire. I have a roof over my head and the food i require. I have two beautiful children in my life that I raised as if they were my own and another one on the way, that I hope to shower with the same love.

Perspective really is everything, I feel like I deserve better at work, I desire proper travel partners who can appreciate life, and these things I chase during my travels with the same passion as me. I have a roof over my head. However, I wish it was a roo I built myself. I have two beautiful kids who, at the end of the day, are not mine. They, too, shall return to their lives, no matter how long the sleep over. I have everything yet nothing. Surrounded by girls who would love to spend their days with the idea of who they think I am, none who feel like the missing puzzle piece I've been searching to complete me.

I believe the fault is within me, I surmise that I must bring forth change to see chnage. I find myself unsure of what that looks like. What else can I possibly do. I carry myself to the best of my abilities, I walk with my best foot forward. Just today, I was driving through the reales region when I noticed a car stuck in a ditch. My immediate reaction was to turn this manual car around (to the best of my abilities🥲) and hop out to help the older lady get it unstuck. I don't mention it to stroke my own ego. This is just the energy I wish to put out to the world, the embodiment of sikhi.

Waheguru.

I realized just now....with this simple word, WAHEGURU. It is my selfishness to blame, for wanting anything at all. It is not about what I want. It has always been about what I can do for others. I think I have been surrounded by self-serving people too much recently and became engrossed in the a self pity cycle. I should not concern myself with what love lies for me, I should not be concerned with what I deserve at work. The roof over my head, no matter who it was built by, it was provided by the almighty. Just the same almighty gave me a nephew and niece who allowed me to experience fatherhood. Without this self reflection, I would not feel this current peace. Do not put out there to receive. What comes your way is simply as is. You can attempt to control it, yes, and you should make your best efforts to achieve your goals. However, do not allow your ego to get you caught up in dispointment on matters that were never in your hands. This world does not revolve for you. It does not rotate for anyone. Just like the stars, just like the galaxy, you too are a small ball of energy in an infinite vial of energy. Just make sure yours is a positive one so you can charge the cells and ions around you positively. Surely soon, you'll find yourself a part of a chemical reaction surrounded by bonds.

As my drive nears an end, the sun has set on today. I will go on into a new day with this reminder in my heart. Thankful for the ability, to feel, to see, touch, write, read, experience the colours of this world, to be energized by its wonders. I am thankful for being about to think and write my thoughts as if solving a math equation, untangling my heart into a straight thread. A thread I can come back to in times of darkness and follow back into the light.

Nanak naam jahaz hai, charhe so utre paar,

Jo sharda kar sevde, gur paar utaran haar.

O Nanak, the name of God is a ship, one boards to alight across the ocean (this world is akin to an ocean). Whosoever serves with devotion, the Guru assists (him/her) in alighting across (the ocean).

Didn't think this would turn religious, yet religion has grounded me. I am glad I discovered my religion in my own accord and was not forced into. It strengthened my bond with myself hence helps me connect with aspects of it so deeply as it came of free will. Today it's helped clear my mind alongside this space for me to shower with my thoughts. Clearly, I've neglected writing. Clearly, I should come back to it more often.

Bibi menu Teri yaad baut aundi

[inmamawords]

My kids are changing me. And in many ways, they are healing me. They have helped reveal things in me that need healing and though I’m not proud of those places that hurt in order for them to get the best of me I’m learning to heal those wounds. They have helped me to learn what it really means to advocate for someone. June, being my first I did things I was told we’re OK and being a frantic first time Mom I trusted them. A lot of my choices I made out of thinking I was helping her and I wish I could go back and change some of the choices I made or at least do my own research before I made the choice, but I can’t. So for now, all I can do is move forward and educate myself and learn from my mistakes. What I have learned is that advocating for my children is not taking a medical professional at their word and hoping that they are right it is not believing that they have the final say. Advocating for my children looks like doing my own research after given advice, whether that is advice on medicine, vaccines, food, screen time, sleepovers, or whatever it may be. God has given me the authority and great privilege to lead my children while remaining soft enough to empathize and validate their feelings, but fierce enough to graciously speak the truth.

I have learned that just because everyone else is doing it or says it is OK doesn’t mean that I have to do it or that it is indeed OK. My goal is to pursue and seek truth always no matter what. Not to seek to be right or win an argument, but to seek healthy wholeness for my children mentally physically and emotionally, my God has the final say. And how he has graciously revealed that to me on this journey of motherhood. I serve a God who heals and who walks with me through my heartache, and who tenderly reminds me that no one is too far past hope, it is never too late, and as I continue to navigate this wild journey of motherhood, the most important thing I have learned is to continually affirm them of who they are, and who God has created them to be. So that when presented with a moment when someone else tries to tell them otherwise they will be so secure and confident that they can call out the lies the world may call truth. I never want them to stop asking questions because when the questions stop the narrative can spiral. I know this from my own experience of keeping things in too long. They have taught me to see through new eyes, especially my Junebug, to see differences as beautiful and that behind every pain there is a story, and behind every story is a person searching for hope. They have taught me to be compassionate and empathetic and what it means to create a safe space for others to feel comfortable enough to take off their coat, kick off their shoes, let down their hair and be their messy self too. They have taught me how to say over and over again “God I don’t understand right now, but I choose to trust you.” And sure enough with every time I’ve had to lean on that reassurance he has revealed his purpose through the pain. Motherhood is the wildest adventure I have ever been on and I hope to continually get back up when it knocks me down because motherhood is not about me, It’s about them.

[harlowes-home]

Vent about school

I am so so terrified to go back to school because I know it’s going to be a social nightmare where I just feel lonely and ashamed all the time again. All of the friends I made first year either left to go do other or couldn’t continue because of terrible situations I hope they’re able to make it out of and find happiness despite and man it’s fucking lonely now. Everyone else in the program is fine and nice and I like them I just know I’m not really friends with them, and it sucks because unlike in high-school this time I really tried to be. I actually tried to be out going and talkative and get to know people but it’s still blatantly obvious I’m always kind of intruding on things it’s so embarrassing whenever I’ve said something (when no one else was talking, dead quiet room) and no one responded even after I’d try to repeat myself, it’s embarrassing when one of them asked the group chat they’re all in (by all I mean over half the students in the design program who I know from spending many all nighters in studio with) if I could come to the big end of the year get together they were having and over half of them who’ve I’ve had conversations with responded they don’t know me that well. Which that’s 100% their right to not be comfortable inviting someone they don’t feel they know to a friend get together it’s completely fair but man, it feels like I’ve yet again missed the chance to make any meaningful in person friendships, it feels like I’m on the outside of everything again and I really tried to do things people told me to this time but nothings changed, it’s just me. I feel like people know there’s something wrong with me and at best I’m pitiful and at worst annoying and I hate it, I know it’s probably all in my head but I hate it. Then there’s just classes too. They keep telling us to ask questions and get help and being your own advocate and yknow yeah that’s important but I swear to god whenever I do some of the professors look and talk to me like I’m just so stupid. I feel it. Even when I’m taking the advice other people give me to be better in class and socially I still end up feeling disdained by them, I feel ashamed of myself no matter what. It’s just highschool all over again and I hate it, and it’s an awful thing to say because I’m so fucking privileged to even have an education, I’m so fucking privileged to get to learn things and walk around freely and in this day be alive and have food to eat. But like, I can’t help it. I can’t help being sad and afraid and angry all the time and I really wish I could. I want to get out of my head but when I do everything I fear other people think feels realized anyways. I don’t want to go back to school I have nightmares and I threw up thinking about it, I don’t want to go back where people fucking look at me like that.

[arkon-z]

Warning, this gets angry and frustrating:

I read the intro to Laziness Does Not Exist on a whim and I had to stop because it enraged me. Not because I disagree, but because i see myself in every part of it. I'm not overcomitted, but I have no energy at the end of the day. Well, that's not true - I have energy for my commitments, but not fun stuff like hobbies. And my job isn't even that hard! There's no stress to speak of and there hasn't been for months! Why the FUCK am I burning out? I didn't earn this! What did i do wrong? Where did I fail so badly in life that my no-stress job has led to me wishing I could take a leave of absence? "Oh no, the pressure of working from home at my own pace with no one around for three years has left me feeling like i'm drowning!" Why am I such a failure at life? Where did I fuck up so hard that this complete absences of stress has led to me getting stressed out?

For fuck's sake, I could barely stay awake back in May. I'm pretty sure I have/had depression. My short-term memory is spotty. AND WHY? Who the fuck knows? Is it autistic burnout? Fuck if I know, maybe? i tried to look into it and came up short. I asked for help and all I got were some breathing exercises. I asked if it was a good idea to take some time off and i was told, "If you think it will help." What the fuck kind of answer is that? They say be your own advocate, but I tried that and it didn't help.

I ask people, "What should I do?" and they just say, "What do you think you should do?"

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING.

Like, i'm not out here fishing for validation of an answer I already know, I need direction. I need answers. You wonder why I don't ask for help? This is why! Because I don't get it! "What do you think the next step is?" - that's not helpful!

Yes, I'm trying therapy, but they're playing off of my lead. And I'm directionless and unfocused, so guess how the sessions tend to go. I tried to solve my burnout and instead, I've suddenly got all this advice about how 'feelings are important' and 'listen to them instead of blocking them out.'

Okay, well, my feelings are saying that "I'm angry that I did everything right about my job and I'm still burned out. I'm angry at the fact that even when i go to ask for help, i still feel like i'm going it myself. i'm frustrated that I get so far in my own research about a problem that I know more about it than the person I'm asking for help. I'm so fucking tired of having to take care of all my problems by myself. I just want someone to take care of me for a change."

Look, the main reason I hold my feelings back is because a lot of the time, the feelings mean I start crying. And i hate crying, because it means I get a headache. It might be a hormone spike - it's that time in the month - but it might be real. Plus, I don't want to be annoying.

When I ask for help, I want actual help. Not advice about 'feelings' and listening to them. Yes, I know that's the point of therapy, but I came here to solve a specific problem. Yes, unpacking whatever the hell I've got going on under the surface is important or whatever, but that's not why I'm here. We can work on that when I feel like my problem is being addressed. the problem being - how do i cure my burnout? Give me a goal, a number, something to quantify. Take my request seriously. You want to know how it's going so far?

"Hey, I think I have autistic burnout, what should I do?"

"How do you know you have burnout?"

"I have these symptoms."

"I see. Does that study have some recommendations?"

"Yes, right here. These things have worked for people in the past."

"Good, maybe you should try those."

And this is where I get tripped up.

"No, I came here to ask you for help with this."

"It looks to me like you have what you need."

"This is a health concern. I am here for your advice because you are a health professional. Based on your experience in combination with the info I am giving you on this matter, how should I proceed?"

And then they never give me a satisfying answer. I just wanted a number or some kind of progression plan, but they just kept asking, "Well, what do you think you should do?"

I'm taking a break from that therapist for now. I don't think they knew me well enough to understand what I was asking. My other therapist does, though, and I'm pretty sure the baseline of it all boils down to learning how to accept that I'm worthy of getting help even if I didn't feel like I 'earned' the burnout I apparently have.

[from-izzy]

hi izzy,

I hope you don't mind me doing this on anon but I just wanted to say in response to the two anons who seemed to have a problem with your work that there is absolutely nothing wrong in the nature of the topics that you're choosing to write about. You're neither approaching it insensitively nor are you forcing your content upon anyone and that's actually quite important because anyone who chooses to engage with it is therefore doing so of their own free will like those anons seem to have done.

You've even addressed the issue of content warnings too to make sure that people know what they'll be getting into so honestly, there's not much more you can do beyond that if they choose to continue reading. But you, having taken those actions, would already know that.

I've not read through all of your works (which is a damn shame) but even I have to acknowledge the importance of the topics that you address in your personal series. Not all fiction (fan made or not) exists to perpetuate typical notions of romance. And actually, it's so important to have media (whether it be in the form of books or whatnot) that addresses mental health and other such topics in order to circulate and normalise those discussions. It's so easy for people to say they advocate for mental health, etc. but when someone does something that could positively impact the field, they're quick to reject it because it's uncomfortable for them. Life isn't always comfortable for everyone and THAT'S the reality of it.

And the notes about how writing isn't meant to reflect reality, etc. is absolute nonsense. The whole point of writing is that authors put to paper the words they wish to read or the stories they want to share. It's not an exclusive field. And you're doing just that. Sure, your work may not give everyone the escape they want but you never claimed it did. Plus, not everyone engages in reading to escape. Some people read to be comforted, to relax, or simply because they want to. And your work is so important for the former.

Most importantly, it helped you! Writing is your outlet and no one should be allowed to take that from you simply because it doesn't meet their standards of what writing should or shouldn't be. It would be a shame for anyone to lose literary integrity simply because people don't understand how impactful your words can be to the people that read it and those that need it (and that includes yourself).

I really hope they don't discourage you from writing not now and not ever because honestly, from what I have read so far, it's important for you but also for others that you're able to put the work you want out there.

Anyways, I wish you all the best for the future and sorry for my messy rant!

hi anon 🥹 i'm sorry i'm responding this encouragement of yours pretty late 😭 i wanted to make sure i wrote a really nice reply back with all the points you made here, making sure that i convey my gratefulness to you for this 💝

i remember reading this for the first time and my first reaction was to panic first because well...as you mentioned in your ask, i haven't had the best times with anon asks 🥹 in saying that! anons like you and others have come to my inbox to send my encouragements and i'm really glad for you all 🫂

thank you for supporting in the topic that i write about, i really appreciate this ❤️‍🩹 mental health is still such an interesting topic when being talked about in public. in a closed off space, for example, between friends or between a professional, it just stays there but open the door just a little bit, and somewhere in the crowd, you'll see someone glaring at you for talking about it. i grew up knowing nothing about it and so moving to a culture where it's heavily emphasised is something that i'll always be thankful for. being able to talk about it has helped me so much and that's why i choose to write these and i don't see myself stopping to write about these. but of course, content warnings!! thank you for acknowledging that i'm doing all i can for this 🫂

i see the way topics of mental health have developed in my life and for me, it's touching that most people are now able to talk about it without being judged and i genuinely think it should be like that going forward. i do understand how these topics can be uncomfortable but that's why i think setting boundaries are key. for writing, i do this through warnings, for friendships and conversations, i ask about how in-depth i can talk about each topic.

concealing it, ignoring it and/or stopping to talk about these topics will only make it worse. and this goes with anything that should be talked about more.

when i first started writing, i knew that i wanted to talk about these kinds of things but i was too scared to jump into it straight away. that's why it was really hard for me to release cupid's mistake because the main idea of that story is a part of me that not even everyone in real life knows about me. it has always been a goal for me to connect with my readers a bit further by explaining the background of the story and how it relates to me. i think this step further is important for telling people that they're not alone if they're facing similar issues; because that's how the people around me has helped me in my mental health journey.

i thought about why i was scared at first but i decided to go for it and i told myself: if people judge me because of this, then they don't have to read it!! it's similar in real life where if people judge me over this, then they don't have to be around me or be my friend. it's as simple as that to me. i can see why readers who don't write think that stories could lean towards being written not based on reality but you're correct anon, it's not an exclusive field and everyone reads for different reasons 🥹🫂 just the same as how writers will write for different reasons. for me, it has always been to talk about these topics and provide comfort. but yes, not all my writings are centred around that because i still love other genres too!!

writing has helped me in ways that i never thought of and for me, it's a healthy hobby that i hope will continue to be 💜 i'm even thinking of taking a unit on creative writing next semester but we shall see about that!! 🥰 if i do, hopefully i can make the quality of my writing better!! 🫶

thank you so much for supporting my work, anon 💝 genuinely, this gave me so much comfort and it's not messy at all by the way! i think this response is messier 😭🤣😭 i have no idea who you are, if we're mutuals, or if we have ever interacted before but if someday you're ever ready to reveal yourself, i just want to give you the biggest hug but for now, here you go: 🫂🫂🫂🫂 thank you for making me feel welcomed and loved in this community 💕

all the best to you too!! have an awesome rest of the day/night!! ☀️🌙