#threw myself into an existential crisis

[morganbritton132]

My thought process lately with my TikTok saga:

Me: I’m going to make Eddie be originally from my home state and that’ll be fun! I can include little cultural things.

Followed by: What is the culture of the place I’ve lived my entire life????

Followed by: I live so close to the Ohio border, am I even really from West Virginia?? Have I ever truly experienced the culture of (again) the state I’ve lived in my entire life.

[b0ngwater69]

It's so quirky and loveable how I can have like. Honestly a pretty good life situation for a working class trannyfag living in a fairly expensive state. And my brain will still tell me I'm a worthless piece of shit that should just kill myself already etc

[have-you-seen-my-sanity]

Asking the moon boys about NNN

What if you asked them about doing NNN?

Jake:

November 1st -

"Hey Jake do you know about NNN?"

"Yes why?"

"Are you doing it this year?"

"Bold of you to assume I'm participating in such sins..."

"It's a challenge... for men... you know?"

He gives you a knowing look, he knows exactly what you mean, he's not stupid. "I know, mi amor. And you know what? Fuck it, I'm accepting it."

You chuckled. "Really?"

Jake shrugs. "You know I'm very patient?"

You would think he just uses Marc or Steven for relief but Jake could actually do it. You know Jake isn't lying, and his patience really shows off during november. But expect him to get you back as soon as it's december 1st.

December 1st -

"Mi amor!" Jake almost sing sang. "Stupid challenge is over! I won! Now my reward?"

Marc:

"Hey Marc, you doing NNN this year?"

Marc almost choked on his own spit. "What?!"

"No Nut Nov–" he cut you off before you could finish it.

"Uh I know that, why do you ask?"

You shrug. "Just asking if you're doing it. You up for that challenge?"

"You're asking me to do the impossible?" he gives you an exhausted look.

"That's why it's a challenge, Marc. Did you forget about it yesterday?" you laughed.

"That's one month. One. Month." he says, running a hand through his face.

"Yeah that's 30 days. 30 days." you pointed out.

Marc gave you a look. "Couldn't you have told me about it yesterday??" he asks.

You furrowed your brows. "But yesterday was October 31st, why–" you stopped mid-sentence, realizing what he meant. "You can't be for real..."

Marc grinned wickedly at you. "I could have prepared myself."

Your jaw went slack. "There's no way you could have prepared yourself for 30 days without."

"I could have tried. Now this month is going to be such a torture for me." he sighed.

"Not for your balls?"

Marc raised an eyebrow and scowled at you. He opened his mouth to speak but couldn't come up with something, he just threw himself back against the couch, looking like he's questioning his existence.

Marc is definitely not a fan of No Nut November, acting like he's having an existential crisis going on, and you should expect him going feral as soon as the clock hits midnight on november 30th.

December 1st -

You heard the front door open, acompanied by his voice.

"Honeeyy, where are youuu? It's december!"

Steven:

"Steven," you smiled, sitting down next to him on the couch, who was eating a bowl of cereal "you know it's november now, right?"

He put the spoon down. "Yeah, why're you askin'?"

"Are you going to do the NNN challenge?"

Steven looked at you, confusion written all over him. "Wot?"

"No Nut November." you explained.

He frowned but he tried to hide the smile threatening to show. "Wow, what?"

You grin. "A challenge."

"And what is the challenge?" he asked, getting curious.

"It's in the name. Basically a challenge for guys not to, well... nut."

Steven had to hold back his laughter. "Yeah I'm not doin' it, forget it."

You raised an eyebrow. "It's only 30 days."

"Do you actually think some guys wouldn't just wank off behind the back? Seriously."

You wanted to argue but couldn't. "You can try?"

"Not happenin' love."

"So you're confessing you're too horny?"

Steven's eyebrows shot up. "Excuse me? Aight, fine, I'll do it."

You smiled, proud of yourself. "There you go. Maybe it won't be that hard for you."

Steven shot a dirty smile. "Whoa, hey, I catched your pun."

December 1st -

Steven knocked gently on your door. "Love? You hear me? November is over, can we get goin' again? I've got a big problem..."

[blottyink]

My August Reads Ranked

1. One Dark Window by Rachel Gillig: This was by far my favorite read this month. I love this book. I love it more than I love The Folk of the Air. More than the Dark Rise series. More than Captive Prince. Because it has EVERYTHING. The plot, the magic system, the characters, the writing, all of it is as equally good as the rest. Even though at the ending there’s a twist that’s sad, I was still EXCITED to see what happens next (more hype than sad). I root for the Nightmare too. “Long live the King.” The writing is show don’t tell and I fucking LOVE IT. I FUCKING LOVE IT. I am so tired of seeing a lot of telling in story books, and all my favs serve show.

2. Bunny by Mona Awad: This wasn’t as dark as I thought it was going to be, but it won me over with the writing. It’s clever, dark and hilarious. Samantha’s dilemma with the bunnies was relatable for me, especially the first smut salon she attends. It was a fun ride, and I enjoyed this book for reasons I wasn’t expecting to. The way Awad describes feelings is spectacular.

3. The Prisoner’s Throne by Holly Black: It was good to be back in Elfhame. I liked Prisoner’s Throne more than Stolen Heir because, of course, Jude and Cardan. I thought Wren and Oak’s story was cute and I had a fun time reading it, but I’m not over Jude and Cardan yet and that’s all I want.

4. The Stolen Heir by Holly Black: At first, I was a bit put off by how Jude-like Wren was, and how Cardan-like Oak was, but I had a good time. If Black wants to go back and write scenes showcasing Jude and Cardan falling in love, I’m all for that. Would love to see the two of them snuggling by a fire.

5. On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft by Stephen King: I knew I’d like this because every time I watch King speak, he’s fun. He’s fun to listen to, he’s fun to read. He’s at his best when he’s shooting the shit. This was a good time.

6. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde: I love the dialogue in this, it can be interpreted in different ways and it’s exciting to think about. I’ve never read anything as quotable as this book. I lived for every time Dorian threw himself on a couch in a fit of angst.

7. The Corsair’s Captive by Ruby Dixon: Dixon never lets me down. It’s another cozy, fun sci-fi romance with the big blue dudes. I have to read her shifter smut; it’s going to be everything.  

8. The Science of Storytelling by Will Storr: I appreciated how blunt this book was, and the information provided was interesting. If you’re looking for a book about why humans tell stories as well as scientific reasons why you should have an existential crisis. This is the one.

9. Victor by Brianna West: The most egregious offense to me was the smut. Because. How are you screwing an Angel, and it’s vanilla? No mention of where his wings are? Nothing special about his equipment? Only fucks in missionary? They could fuck in the air, but we’re going to sidestep that? Other than that the world-building wasn’t there for me, and the writing was a whole lot of telling. The adverb intense descriptions didn’t land for me, and I didn’t care about any of the characters. The fmc was annoying.

10. Haunting Adeline by H.D. Carlton: Zade is so Neil Breen coded. Like, if I found out Breen wrote this character for Carlton, it would make a lot of sense. I hate this book. I don’t know why I do this to myself.  

The books I'm most stoked to read in September are: Monstrilio by Gerardo Samano Cordova, Emily Wilde's Encyclopaedia of Faeries by Heather Fawcett and Two Twisted Crowns by Rachel Gillig.

[sinisterexaggerator]

After gaining max affinity with Nick Valentine, I am not okay. 😭😭😭 THAT POOR BABY!! Having an existential crisis after committing murder, Eddie telling him he’s not even alive, just some robot, and Eddie being the only fucking thing that connects his old life to his memories after WAKING UP IN A GOD DAMN GARBAGE DUMPSTER. IF I EVER FIND THE INSTITUTE MOTHERFUCKER WHO THREW HIM IN THERE, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!

Like, come on!!!!! THIS MAN HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH!?!!! WHY CAN’T I ROMANCE HIM?! I guess I have to do this shit myself. Nick x Reader coming soon, Jesus Christ.

[madphantom]

The entire way my boyfriend and I got together is INSANE in hindsight because like:

Last year I went to a camp with some friends and on the first evening, a pretty young and nervous guy had a panic attack / existential crisis because it suddenly clicked for him that he was away from all parental control for the first time. I was trying to calm him down when this random punky guy with massive earrings showed up to see if he could help. Upon hearing my friend ask "is anything even real?" he fucking. Pushes his dentures out of his mouth with his tongue like some kind of unexpected eldritch horror and as we are properly freaked out, says "These definitely aren't real. Hi, I'm [REDACTED] by the way, and you?"

What followed was an about four hour long conversation during which he mentioned that he talks a lot in his sleep and that his favourite animals are hyaenas and at this point I had a total crush on him but was kind of too shy to say anything because he seemed entirely too cool for me, so instead of behaving like a normal person I spent the next several days playing table tennis for hours because he basically lived at the tennis table.

Then came the last day and I kind of awkwardly hovered around him trying to ask him for his number, but then my phone battery swelled up and almost exploded and then it started pouring raining and finally I was sitting in my friend's car and cursing myself because I had absolutely no way to contact him and nothing to go by except for a first name.

So I. Did some detective work. Went through the entire follower list of the camp's Instagram page. And as it turns out, only one person with that name followed them, and that person just happened to wear huge silver earrings in their profile picture, anddd he accepted my follow request so wahoo! I found him!

Then we didn't talk to each other for two months.

Two months later, I went to another camp which had been advertised in the first one. I was there a day earlier than the official start but kind of forgot that it hadn't officially started yet, so when he didn't show up that day I just assumed he wasn't coming and gave up. Cut to me on day two, the entire camp is gathered and the shifts are being distributed, and the girl distributing asks who wants to take the awareness shift for the next day, someone behind me raises their hand, she asks "what's your name?" and I get a mini heart attack when I hear a familiar voice say "I'm [REDACTED]".

Turns out he did show up. We pretty much immediately started telling each other how the last two months were and then we ended up talking until like two in the morning, and that's pretty much how it went every day, we were just yapping basically 24/7 until he had to practically beg me to go to sleep.

On the second to last day one of my friends mentioned that the weather at home would be great for a barbecue, so I got an idea. In an honestly fucking ridiculous move, I decided to have a barbecue among my friends and invite him so it's not too awkward. I threw a whole ass party because I could not bear to awkwardly invite my crush, and amazingly, despite initial hesitation, he agreed to come.

After the second camp we started texting on Instagram. A month later he did indeed show up at the barbecue and we had a lot of fun. He brought me a couple cans of his favourite mate brand. After that we didn't see each other for four months.

In January he wanted to come to my hometown for a protest, but the trains were on strike. In February we tried again, this time successful. Had some fun times exchanging gossip. I invited him to my birthday.

He showed up at my birthday. Some of my friends had a fight and he spent a lot of time outside with my best friend smoking. At some point she, apparently, told him "well, I know for a fact you're very important to Maddie" which tbh is the most bizarre way to tell someone I have a huge crush on them. Long story short, he couldn't stay long that evening, so he asked if he could make up for it by stopping by the next weekend.

The next weekend was the first time we actually spent a significant amount of time together alone. We hiked up to this hilltop where you can see the entire city and basically told each other our entire life story and then we hung out a bit with some of my friends in the university film studio to warm up because it was kind of chilly and it was nice and we agreed that we should repeat that.

Easter came around. The week before he asked if he could come around for two days in a row and I was like of fucking course, so he did. Brought an entire palette of our now mutual favourite mate brand because I mentioned the nearby supermarket stopped selling it. We spent the day together and at some point in the afternoon he turned to me and asked "are we just hanging out or is this a date?" and all I could say was "uh" and the conversation just kind of died there because I'm dumb as rocks.

Later that evening I took him to one of my favourite spots in the city, a plateau right under a motorway bridge where you can see the entire city, and we drank mate and watched the city lights and then he turns to me and goes "I wasn't gonna make any stupid decisions anymore, but I think this might not be one of them - I think I'm in love with you"

And I was grinning like a maniac, but it was dark, and he couldn't see my face and was like "SAY SOMETHING PLEASE" so dumb as I am I replied "DITTO" and then he talked about how important consent is to him and asked if we could kiss. And then we kissed, and then he gifted me a steel ring with a heart on it and I gifted him a kandi bracelet with ACAB spelled out on it, and then I got to tell him I'd been pining for him like a stupid lovesick moron for eight months while he was completely sure he was going to die alone and then we walked home holding hands and counting bats and ever since we've been a dream team.

And to think it all started because Dennis had a fucking panic attack.

[quillkiller]

PLEASE elaborate on what u guys are talking about

whew….

so like. sirius jr isn’t actually his name right. his name is just sirius. because sirius sr was disowned, and has nothing to do with the noble most ancient house of black. so sirius jr is just sirius until he finds out about his uncle and wolfstar/when they take him in. that’s when he becomes sirius jr.. THE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS ??? imagine learning you were named after your father-mothers disowned brother, the INTENDED heir . id kill myself

sirius jr opening up to sirius about his upbringing and about regulus as his father-mother, always telling him he’s the brightest star in the sky, using everything that walburga used with sirius sr as a method for love-bombing and emotional manipulation. and sirius getting confirmed that regulus grew up to become their mother ….. god the way he would blame himself. my angel . the way sirius jr is a his own past repeating itself. what if threw up

it takes sirius jr a loooooong time to warm up to remus. maybe even trying to come between him and sirius because all he knows is that isolated abusive kind of love. all he knows is having to constantly chase it, all he knows is being loved because hes being good. being someones favorite. and it freaks him out when he sees remus and sirius sr being happy together. bc regulus always loved bellatrix more. always punished/taking it out on sirius jr if bellatrix was unhappy with him. so he tries so hard to be sirius’ favorite, and is so suspicious of remus for a long long time. it takes him a long time to learn that the power imbalance and dynamics from his upringing doesn’t exist in his new home. it’s never either or, never a single thing sirius jr could do that would make wolfstar turn their backs, not a single tantrum that could make them give up. he doesn’t have to work for it ever again, and the carpet wont be pulled from under his feet. and slowly he learns what a loving home is .. slowly learning that both of these adults want to give him a loving home….

sirius jr i love you…

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

If we're gonna do this we gonna do it right!.... Song fic (or headcanon; whatever fits your mood) of Silver & Deuce trying to set Lilia & Mama Spade up for a date; cameo of "Kiss the Girl" moment from the OG Little Mermaid >:3c

[Referencing this unofficial blog event!]

*makes a banner that looks like a little kid bashing two of their dolls’ heads together* I decided to use Lilia’s Clubwear look for the banner since that’s the closest thing to “casual clothes” he has. I also threw in some… guest stars, shall we say, to spice up the situation! Kronk voice) Oh yeah, it’s all coming together 😎

I wrote headcanons again since I'm already working on quite a few longer pieces in the background. I went wild with this one, so I hope you enjoy!

Curiouser and Curiouser...

Deuce regularly spoke with his mom over the phone about the recent happenings in their lives. What he didn't expect was for her to announce that she was visiting the town on Sage's Island tomorrow. "I've been improving my computer skills, Deuce!" Dylla told him proudly. "I've been doing that instant messaging thing that's all the rage with you kiddos. I even made myself an online friend! I'm going to meet him in town. I'll come see you afterwards, okay?"

Well, that just sent Deuce into an existential crisis. Sure, his mom was a tough, independent woman that could fend for herself, but he had a tendency to fret for her wellbeing, especially knowing what he put her through in his delinquent phase. What if the "online friend" was a total creep or even someone dangerous? She deserved nothing less than the best company (and anyone that so much as looked at her the wrong way would soon find Deuce coming at them full throttle to slug them in the face).

He can't focus during lectures or on his homework at all. Deuce just keeps fidgeting and pacing back and forth, his thoughts wracked with worry. At some point, he can't contain himself and blurts everything out to Ace (first mistake).

Ace decides to pounce on this opportunity to tease his roomie. "Dude, she's definitely meeting a secret boyfriend for a date. You'd better start preparing lines to kiss ass to your soon-to-be-stepdad."

"MY MOM WOULDN'T DO THAT!! N-Not without telling me about it at least..." Deuce insists--but as irritating as Ace is, his immature jokes only feed the paranoia. Was it possibly true? Was his mom seeing an unknown man, considering bringing him into their family?! Those thoughts swirl in his head and cloud his better judgment when he turns in for the night.

The very next day, Deuce makes a beeline to the town to put his nerves to rest. I'm just going to watch them to make sure nothing weird's going on and that mom stays safe!! He's in such a hurry that he barely registers Ace shouting after him, "It was just a prank, bro! I didn't think you'd actually take it this seriously!", nor the startled Silver (+ a bird friend resting on his shoulder) and angry Sebek that he crashes into.

Right as Sebek starts on a fresh tirade (“Watch where you’re going, human!! Have you no regards for your seniors?!”), Deuce shoves right by him with an, “Aaah, I don’t have time for this! Mom’s in a pinch!!”

"What NERVE, running off while you're being berated for your negligence?! GET BACK HERE, I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!!" (And so Sebek gives chase after him)

"Sebek, wait..." (But he's already long gone, and too frenzied in his pursuit, that he doesn't pay his fellow knight any mind.) "... I wonder what all that was about," Silver sighs. I should follow them to make sure things don't get out of hand.

He's a few steps down the road when he hears someone fast approaching from behind. Who should appear but an out-of-breath Ace. "Hey, Silver-senpai! Did you see Deuce going this way?! Sheesh, can that guy run! Took off so fast, I couldn't keep up..."

"I did. He ran into town, and Sebek after him."

"Great! That's all I needed to know, thanks!" And then Ace, too, is gone. (Silver, pure soul that he is, incorrectly assumes the best of him. If Deuce and Sebek both leave campus without getting the right permissions for it, they could both get in trouble. Ace is so considerate to go and help his friend. He's really living up to the Heartslabyul spirit and creed.)

The four boys eventually find each other again in town (Silver trailing after Ace, Ace tracking down Sebek by his loud voice, and Sebek locating Deuce, who is shadily staring daggers at a pair window shopping).

Sebek’s back to shouting at Deuce, Ace is telling Sebek to can it, and Deuce is ignoring them both. "Who's that guy mom's with?! I can't see too well from this far away, but I can't get any closer in case I'm spotted..." Deuce grumbles to himself.

“Hold up, lemme see!!” Ace nosily butts in, squinting at the duo in the distance. “Huh, it kinda looks like Lilia-senpai from this angle, but I must be wrong... right?”

Silver looks where Deuce and Ace are, and his heart nearly stops. "F-Father?!" The word is out of his mouth before he can reel it back in—Sebek’s face is affixed in horror at the slip, and the Heartslabyul boys absolutely lose it.

“Whaaaat?! I-If your dad is my mom’s date… then… th-then… Silver-senpai and I will become stepbrothers?!”

“Forget that!! What I wanna know is, why does Silver-senpai’s dad look like a carbon copy of Lilia-senpai in a different hairstyle and punkier clothes?!”

“WHAT NONSENSE ARE YOU BLATHERING ON ABOUT NOW?! Hold your tongue, cur! You know not of what you speak!! C-Clearly Silver’s father does NOT resemble our esteemed Lilia-sama in any way, shape, or form!!” Sebek bellowed angrily. “TELL THEM, SILVER!!”

“Er… yes, that’s right. I’m afraid I don’t see the resemblance at all. They are nothing alike."

(The Diasomnia duo had been totally blindsided by this turn of events; when Lilia had told them earlier that he was going to meet up with an online friend, they hadn't expected it, in actuality, to have been a date. Silver had thought Lilia was going to meet his long-time gaming buddy, Gloomy Samurai, in person, not a classmate's MOTHER.)

“Are you both sleeping with your eyes open or something?! That SO totally looks like Lilia-senpai,” Ace protests—but Deuce (bless him) is somehow 100% convinced. In fact, this realization just fuels him even more!!

"We should leave. It would be rude of us to intrude on their private time together," Silver tries to suggest--but no, Deuce won't back down at this point.

"Silver-senpai! ... No, future stepbrother Silver-senpai!!" Deuce says very, VERY seriously, "Don't stop me now! I have to do this....!! I have to make sure your dad's the right man for my mom."

Sebek begins to raise his voice again, but (shockingly) Silver puts an arm in front of him, silencing the first year. Silver's expression turns very fierce, matching the hardness in Deuce's eyes. "I can assure you, my father is a good man. He would never bring harm to, nor disrespect, anyone. I apologize, but I won't allow you to remain suspicious of my father. If he wishes to court another, then that should be his prerogative, and I fully support him."

But like a boulder, Deuce's determination is difficult to shift. "Even if it's you asking me to step down, I won't!! This is important to me. My mom is important to me!!"

Those words seem to strike a chord with Silver, whose features soften. "... I understand. If that's the case, then prove your resolve to me, man to man--and I will demonstrate mine." ("Ohoh!! Silver has thrown down the gauntlet!! What do you say, human?! Do you accept his challenge?!" Sebek cries in the background. Ace eyes the situation warily--how quickly his teasing had spiraled into something serious.)

"I gotchu." Deuce slams a fist into an open palm, grin wicked--his delinquent side coming out. "We'll throw down, get our parents to show off their best attributes to each other."

"It's settled then."

"We'll make their date go smoothly!! That way, we'll see just how much of their good points' come out and if they're suited for each other or not."

"Agreed. It is simple."

"It's so obvious!"

"How did you guys even come to THAT conclusion?! You totally skipped some steps there,” Ace groaned (amidst Sebek's way-too-interested chanting). "You guys rubbed your collective two brain cells and that's the best thing you could come up with?!"

The boys shadow Lilia and Dylla for a few hours, but nothing that interesting happens. It’s mostly them talking and sightseeing (plus the occasional bad pun, which sets Deuce's mom into hysterics), not really doing anything inherently romantic. Ace starts to sweat, realizing the hole he’s dug himself into. If they figure out this was all based on a bad joke, then he’d have an upset Deuce and maybe even Silver and Sebek wailing on him. If he doesn’t turn the tables soon, he might be in a world of hurt.

“Wow, would you look at that! They must be really shy!” Ace hurriedly comments.

“That’s strange. Father isn’t normally like this. He’s very free-spirited. I wonder if something is wrong…”

“Maybe Deuce’s mom is such a bombshell that he’s all tongue-tied!!” Ace elbows Deuce in the ribs, only to earn a slight glare back. “We should try to do something to move things along.”

“… I got nothin’,” Deuce confessed.

“Seriously? Alright, I guess it’s up to me then.”

“JUST A MINUTE,” Sebek thunders. “Who died and made YOU the love expert?! How do we even know we can trust your advice?!”

“Uh, news flash numbskull: I’ve actually had a girlfriend before so I’d know the kind of junk chicks are into! Besides, what would you know? All you ever kiss is Malleus-senpai’s—”

“Do NOT use the Young Master’s name in vain!! It is this exact kind of brash behavior that explains why you’re without a partner now!!” Sebek smirked as he folded his arms. “I, on the other hand, am well-versed in matters of love thanks to Lilia-sama’s mentoring and the romance materials I’ve absorbed in my spare time.”

“Like hell you are! Hearing about it and reading it is totally different from experiencing it in real life!!”

While Ace an Sebek squabble, poor Deuce is trying so hard to brainstorm and Silver’s starting to doze of again. That’s when his head bolts upright from a peck on the cheek. His bird friend peers right into Silver’s eyes as if to say, “Watch this!”

The bird flies off and snatches the cap from Dylla's head. There’s a big commotion as both she and Lilia try to retrieve the hat, but the bird easily avoids them and retreats with them closely following. Silver automatically recognizes where the bird is leading them and urges his classmates to come along.

As he suspects, the love guru bird guides them all to a lagoon far off from the town and teeming with wildlife. It drops Dylla's hat into a small abandoned rowboat by the shore, which Lilia scoops up and replaces on her head. He’s not bothered by the chase—his eyes sparkle with wanderlust, and he mouths something to her, waving at the boat. It’s an invitation to ride out with him, which she agrees to.

Lilia bows like a faithful attendant and gestures for her to step on. She does—wobbles at the instability of the water that the boat is upon, and Lilia swoops in, steadying her and leading her by the hand on.

He goes afterwards, nestling between the oars and startling to propel them to the center of the lake. They grow smaller and smaller, until… “Crap, they’re going to go way too far into the water for us to keep up with them,” Deuce curses. “How are we supposed to give them support like this?”

That's when Sebek gets surprisingly smug and declares that at times like these, one should create the right mood with music! "In the old days, the nobility of Briar Valley would sing sweet serenades to win hearts!! This lake is the perfect location for it, as the still waters will carry voices well." ("Oh yeah? And how are we gonna get them to serenade each other in this day and age, dumbass?" Ace asks cheekily.)

"Simple!" Sebek straightens the lapels on his jacket. "I SHALL BE THE ONE TO PROVIDE THE ROMANTIC AMBIENCE!!" This sends Ace into a laughing fit that hits so hard he doubles over, clutching onto his stomach as Sebek clears his throat, preparing for his performance. Silver quietly slips his hands over his bird friend's ears.

Out on the lake, Lilia's pointing to various constellations in the sky and telling the tales associated with each. Dylla's eyes sparkle as he regales her with the heroic exploits of the demigod Hercules, the firefly that fell in love with a star called Evangeline, the star that brought a puppet to life, the great kings of the past, the second star to the right--named for the boy who never wanted to grow up...

Deuce isn't ready for it when Sebek belts out the first note. It's ear-splittingly loud and scratchy, like a poor animal on its deathbed croaking its last word. The boys collapse to the ground, shielding their poor ears and shouting for Sebek to stop.

Dylla grimaces at the sound. "Did you hear something?" she asks Lilia. He simply claims, "No, nothing."

"You're screwing this up!" Ace hisses at Sebek. "There's gotta be some other way for us to make music."

"Wait, I've got it!!" Deuce says--and with the wave of his magical pen... "Come forth, cauldron!" It lands in front of him with a colossal THUNK, and while the rest of the boys stare, Deuce looks pleased with himself. "It can work as drums!"

"I won't be bested by the likes of a human!! If you're going to play the drums, then... then... THEN I WILL PLAY THE VIOLIN!" Sebek summons the instrument with his own magic, only to be stopped by Ace.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I heard from Epel that you suck at the violin! Can't you pick something else?!"

"THE YOUNG MASTER IS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE STRINGS, SO THAT IS WHAT I, TOO, SHALL PLAY!! I REFUSE TO COMPROMISE ON THIS MATTER!!"

"Tch. You never listen to anyone, do you..." Ace heaves a sigh. "Well, whatever. I'm not about to waste more energy arguing. Just playing the instruments from here won't do much, so I'll use my wind magic to amplify the sound."

“We have percussion, strings, and winds then. All that’s left for a romantic song is… words.” Silver looks at each of his classmates in turn. “I will accept this task, since I’ve yet to be assigned a role. There is one love song I know of from father, so I hope it will suffice.”

The bird on his shoulder tweets, letting the boys know he, too, will lend his help. With the flap of his wings, he takes flight once more, spreading word of their cause to the animals in the surrounding area. They rally like a performance troop, fanning out through the lake and readying for a musical number.

As their discordant song swells up, propelled by Ace's winds, the lake comes to life with sweet birdsong and humming fish. Silver gathers his breath and releases it, singing the words to a song once performed by the friends of a mermaid princess. "There you see her, sitting there across the way..."

"I'm sure I hear something this time," Dylla says, craning her head to look around the lake. "Someone's playing music and... singing?"

"Really? I don't hear it," Lilia says, giving the oars another row. As they pull up from the water, Dylla startles at the frogs that stand upon the oars in a neat line. They look like they've assembled for choir, ribbiting in harmony until Lilia dips the oars back into the lake water.

"Something strange is definitely going on here! How can you not hear it now?" (He shrugs.)

The boat drifts along to an area blanketed by willow trees. Two storks swoop down, parting the leaves for them to enter. When the leaves fall down, they're curtained away from the rest of the world, secluded with one another. There's only each other, and the soft glow of fireflies warming them.

Lilia stops rowing the boat. He checks to make sure the coast is clear, then leans closer to Dylla, a knowing grin at his lips. "Sorry! I didn't want to ruin the boys' fun so I went along with it and pretended to be none the wiser. We should be safe now though--they can't see us thanks to this shroud." He gestures to the willows draped around them.

"My hearing is quite sharp." Lilia cups an ear, as if to demonstrate. "It sounds like Silver, Deuce, and... Ace and Sebek, two of their classmates! Sebek in particular is difficult to not notice--his voice is very loud."

"What are they doing all the way out here?"

Lilia laughs softly. "It seems there's been a bit of a misunderstanding on their part. Someone has convinced them that this--" He waves at the space between them. "--what we have here, is something more."

Dylla face settles into a solemn expression. “Oh no, I’m sorry that Deuce is causing you trouble. He’s probably got it in his head that I'd be happier if I found a new husband and jumped at the first other single parent he knew... Deuce gets overexcited sometimes and doesn’t know when to stop once he’s started. My boy can be as stubborn as a mule, but he shouldn't be putting pressure on you to feel a certain way."

"Don't worry! Silver's doing the very same." Lilia lets his head rest on a shoulder as he looks out at the lake. “I haven’t given much thought to finding a significant other myself. Happiness isn’t inherently tied to marriage after all. It’s something we all seek out and discover for ourselves.”

Dylla finds herself smiling a little at Lilia's words. In all the time she has spoken with him, he's mostly been silly--but he also knows when to pull back and to speak seriously. There's a sense of comfort and security to Lilia.

"It's funny, isn't it? Our children are nearly adults now, yet they're still as innocent as they ever were. They wish for our happiness so much that they've taken it upon themselves to make it a reality. There is a simplicity and a selflessness to that. They mean well, they're just going about it in their own way. We can give them stern talking-tos when we return, no need to get to it now."

"... You're exactly the kind of role model Deuce needs in his life."

"Be careful what you wish for, dear," Lilia says with a wink. "I just might sweep you off your feet. I can't help it if you fall for me, you know? I'm too cute to resist."

"Hahaha, now you're just getting smart with me!" Dylla playfully shoves him in the chest--a little too hard, not recognizing her own strength. Lilia wobbles, the boat wobbling with him. He grips it to steady them both, but they're already teetering, and... SPLOOSH!!

The boat tips over, dumping both Lilia and Dylla in the icy waters. Luckily for them, the lake isn't that deep so while they're sopping wet and shivering, they're still safe.

“Are you okay?” Dylla calls out to Lilia. He responds with a laugh, splashing her with water. It’s a direct hit on her face!! Wiping off the water dripping from her features, she growls, “Alright, I get your game! You wanna play? Then let’s play.”

Back across the lake, the boys’ song had finished. Deuce shades his eyes and gazes at the willow trees. “… How do you think they’re doing in there?” Deuce nervously wonders.

“OBVIOUSLY LIL… Er, I mean, SILVER’S FATHER THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT LILIA-SAMA MUST BE THE CAUSE FOR HER SWOONING!!”

“Man, just say that you think the date’s going well. That’s way too many words for what you actually want to say.”

Silver strains his ears and listens. The soft sounds of nature are punctuated with laughter and squealing beyond the weeping willows. His father, and Mrs. Spade, and the joy they experienced in each other’s company. “I think… we don’t need to worry.”

And so the hectic day ended happily ever after.

[dead-dove-moment]

Three Witches, Three Knights

Soren Kierkegaard, one of the founders of existentialism, imagined three tiers of philosophical maturity: the "slave of aesthetics", the "knight of infinite resignation", and the "knight of faith". The characteristic way to tell them apart, which he discussed in his pseudonymous essay "Fear and Trembling", is to look at how they wrestle with an impossible ideal.

I'm not an existentialist myself, but, ever since going back and reading Alliance of the Golden Witch, I've been struck by how well this formulation applies to a discussion of the magic wielded by the witches of 1986's Rokkenjima, and the angles by which they tended to approach the impossible.

The vast majority of people, in Kierkegaard's view, were merely in the aesthetic realm, where, if one's ideals prove to be impossible, one recognizes the impossibility and responds by lowering one's standards. "My ideal can't be achieved in reality; therefore, I will give up on it, and instead live for an 'easier' ideal which I know I can reach." This is the kind of motivated thinking that makes people passive - that makes them, in Kierkegaard's view, live a life they will inevitably look back on and regret.

In Ushiromiya Eva, we see a prime example of the aesthete's ruin. When her ideals become impossible, she allows them to change to something more 'realistic'… and, because a person's life is long, change stacks on change until she is left with nothing to live for at all. As a child, she understood that Kinzo's sexist nonsense was wrong, and rebelled against it, with "the headship" as her impossible ideal, a benchmark of everything she was striving against. As an adult, she came to understand that Kinzo would never move on the topic… but, instead of throwing away Kinzo, she threw away the ideal that he was standing in the way of, in order to adopt a lower, more realistic ideal: her son as the head. Then her son died, and she adopted a lower ideal still: to at least raise Ange, the other survivor, as well as she could, and heal both their hearts. When Ange rejected her love year after year (egged on by the Tanabata Witch's lies), Eva was left believing in nothing.

An Eva who had continued to believe in breaking the sexist norms of the Ushiromiya family (the core of her ambition to "become the head") would've been able to emerge from 1986 - though wracked with grief - with her goal miraculously accomplished, and with something to live on for, too: proudly fighting that same battle in the boardrooms of all the companies the Ushiromiya Group conquered.

The Eva we know, in contrast, abandoned ideal after ideal, and died in 1998 with no ideals at all, a broken wretch of a woman.

How can we avoid this degradation of our ideals? Kierkegaard proposes the path of the the "knight of infinite resignation", who responds to the crisis by a different method. Instead of giving up on their impossible ideal, they accept its impossibility and in doing so turn that ideal into something quasi-religious. Perhaps it's impossible in this world but possible in the next. Perhaps it's an asymptote, but there's still virtue and value in striving to get as close as you can, as often as you can, for as long as you can. The impossibility of the ideal makes it something higher than the heavens, and thus, something you're all the more able to devote your life to, like a knight oathsworn to a holy order.

In this, one is not released from pain… but at least finds a kind of peace which balms the pain, and in the end should be able to look back on their life confident that they did what they could.

Beatrice is the Endless and Golden Witch.

As the Golden Witch, she understands that even with a mountain of gold, some miracles are beyond reach.

But as the Endless Witch, she is able to take her impossible longing, and resign herself to its impossibility in this world. Instead, she pushes that longing into the next world, into eschatology. In the Golden Land (the world erased by the Endless Magic), all those with minds are equal; therefore, by looking ahead to the Golden Land (creating endless bottle Fragments), she can resign from finding satisfaction in the Rokkenjima of humans.

(It was only Battler's return in 1986 which - by throwing her understanding of what was 'possible' or 'not possible' into disarray, and making her uncertain as to whether her ideal was really what she wanted - broke her resignation.)

But there's one step further than this. Kierkegaard imagines the "knight of faith", a level which he believes people have occasionally reached, despite it being something which should be "beyond humans". Imagine a knight of resignation, who has accepted everything the knight of resignation has accepted. "My ideal is impossible. It's worth striving for even if it's impossible, but that doesn't make it any less impossible." But then, she becomes a knight of faith by taking this one step further: "Even if that's true, the world is absurd. Impossible, insane things happen every day. And so why should I be resigned to failure? I will believe in this despite its impossibility. Despite its impossibility, if I strive for it, that's an opening for it to become true."

And Beato, too, recognized the existence of that step which was beyond her. She recognized it because she witnessed it in someone else: her apprentice.

Maria, you must understand, knew how magic worked, or else her diary would never have been able to instruct Ange so well. She wasn't delusional. She understood that Sakutarou's mind existed only by virtue of her active effort to manifest him (in other words: his mind existed only within her own).

But the world is absurd. The incidents of her life, even if she understood them, were senseless, her Mama's behavior especially. And therefore, whatever meaning she gave the truth still had value. She was able to look at the impossibility of her magic, say "even if that's true", and believe in it regardless.

She was able to create her own happiness within the misfortune, without ever deluding herself about the misfortune's existence.

In "Twilight of the Golden Witch", Ange is finally able to reach this level. Instead of knuckling under to despair upon learning the truth of 1986, she realizes the senseless absurdity of it all, and in that absurdity finds the audacity to make the impossible move that characterizes a Knight of Faith, which Maria had been trying to teach her all this time: believing her family resurrected, despite knowing and understanding that their deaths have been declared in red. Knowing her family's sins, and yet being willing to see them as their best selves.

And decades later along this road, Kotobuki Yukari discovers, impossibly, that hope does not disappoint.

[un1dentity]

#FILE SELECTED: you can’t change your cards. you already looked at them. #FILE STATUS: accepting. #SELECTED BY: @prkh.

GAZE MEETS OTHER’S OVER RIM OF SHADES. "you're talkin' 'bout these cards, right? no?" poker cards are laid out across surprisingly still-sturdy tabletop. [a full royal flush, how 'bout that... not that it matters now.] cue heavy sigh as body stretches backwards, some satisfying pops audible. "alright, well, if we're getting philosophical... sometimes i do wonder what i would do if i could go back in time. what i'd tell myself, what i'd do different, all that fun stuff."

not join the up deathclaws. take barbara, get the hell out of dodge. just become a simple farmer or something.

"but y'know, i was reading this old pre-war book the other day, threw me into some existential crisis. the butterfly effect, they called it. you change one tiny thing in the past, then the whole future is — pardon my french — fucked. so even if my cards, or your cards, could change..." look out, world! rare moment of no-more-mister-funny-guy incoming. "would it even matter?"

[seraphimaa]

Tag Game

It was so cute and fun getting tagged in this. It feels so warming to feel included :’)

I ♥️ U @mist1e

Last Song:

My Spotify is a l w a y s going. Can’t be alone with the silence lol.

I love Heilung. Can’t wait to see them again later this year.

Currently Watching:

I can’t remember the last time I started a new show. Fleabag, Bojack Horseman, IASIP, and random documentaries just run on repeat to fall asleep to these days. Boring is comfortable.

If I wanna listen to something in the background, I love video essays by people like Wendigoon, Thomas flight, Jacob Geller and Jenny Nicholson or I just listen to lore or audiobooks (thanks for my 40k fix, Wincott)

Three ships:

Myself and everyone

Harry and Kim

“Sunrise Parabellum”

Flea bag and Boo

“What do I do with it, all I love I had for her?”

“You could give it to me, that sounds lovely.”

Favourite colour:

Questions like this make me have an existential crisis. All of them, for their own purpose.

I guess yellow or purple. Lol.

Currently consuming:

Interior Castle - Teresa of Ávila

Copious amounts of demon/devil smut.

No, I’m not doing okay.

First ship:

Velma and daphne probably, like a normal person…but also The Doctor x Rose.

I cried so hard as a kid during the release of “Doomsday” that I literally threw up hahaha.

Birth place:

Scotland, my love.

Relationship status:

Struggling through life together. I don’t envy him lol. Idk why he puts up with me.

Last movie:

Beau is afraid. Ari Aster and my brain works similar, I think. He just gets it.

Currently working on:

- Haarlep smut and comfort

- Raphael oneshots. Some normal stuff, some real nasty shit…yay

- not cutting my hair off

- not going feral and being put in grippy socks

(Im so sorry. I’m a loser and have no friends. Feel free to ignore the tag lol @myers-meadow @thetyromancer @sykxii @sadcambion . I made the executive decision to simply harass people I don’t really know. I was aware of your existence and abused it. Sorry :c )

[wild-wombytch]

Mix of reading review and personal shits and existential crisis about lesbianism : (also TW for rape, I'm putting the most TMI paragraphs in purple so you can skip them)

I finished reading a French book with pictures and portraits of lesbians. While I liked it (there are especially fascinating portraits of immigrant lesbians and elderly lesbians), I have mixed feelings about it.

On the bright side, no TIM apparently, even a TIF dating only lesbians and not pretending to be male who was quite wholesome to read about. We stan endangered species.

And the less bright side...A lot of the women here seem to be bisexuals calling themselves lesbians and saying they "became" lesbians or they made a choice or were "happy" with their male exes. A lot of uses of "queer" (although all these women undeniably are SSA, have sex with and date women). The average experience seems to be women who were with their moid for 8y or so, had kids with them, and then had experiences with women or met their current long-term female partner and have more babies with them.

It's a bit disappointing. Like, I can understand older women who married long term with men maybe being lesbians. I can understand women trying to be with men (like I did) because they had no real representation of lesbian relationships (especially in rural/very religious areas) and never questioned their lack of attraction to men because they thought everyone was meh about them and hetero relationships were seen as the "default" or because they were afraid of their attraction to women.

But I'm sorry, women who are happy with men can't be lesbian by definition. And women who stay for YEARS with their moids... like c'mon. (Kinda TMI following) I spent two weeks and a half with "mine" because I was stuck in a foreign country and couldn't go home after two days there and I already felt sick and wanted to kms and had genuine mental breakdowns curling on the floor crying and only calming down by mentally organising my luggage and making plans to maybe hitchhike and panhandle my way to the airport while taking opioids until I was numb enough to be gaslighted into giving him another chance. And another. And another...and so on.

Technically, I was never fully penetrated because I was so repelled that I became a venus flytrap and I'm thinking that the bleeding I had was more about having tears down there than my hymen. Very much a "you shall not pass" moment.

When I tried again with a male thinking that maybe it was just because the other one sucked as a person and disgusted me as an individual and other men would be different, I almost threw up during intimacy and cried (which didn't keep him from forcing me to sex acts I didn't want and which made me sick and hurt me anyway).

Genuine question: do y'all think it's possible to be lesbian when you're with a man for years? To be lesbian and have kids with your husband? Could it be internalized lesbophobia and lack of solid French lesbian community ? Or is it genuinely impossible in your opinion?

Because at the same time...a lot of these women also spent like 15, 20y with their current partners and couldn't be with men anymore if they were single.

But it bothers me. From one hand, this book is good at getting rid of the guilt of having been with men/raped by men, but on the other hand...I genuinely couldn't relate to the average narrative there. There was I believe 1-2 lesbian only who were gold stars and while some say men weren't for them or were a mistake...I haven't seen strong words against men and the male body or penises.

Like, for me, what makes me call myself a lesbian is not just my love/desire/attraction to women, it's also my repulsion for the male body, no matter how much I attempted to "fix" it. (Kinda TMI) And looking in hindsight to all the signs, like constantly ""joking"" "haha but what if I'm a lesbian" or being against traveling (before caving in the pressure) because just reading about penetration genuinely made me sick to the stomach and made me dizzy in a bad way, even before I was confronted to actual irl dicks (that plus dysphoria). I went with men in the first place because I'm fucked up and struggle to dissociate friendship, fear and love, and my ex was the first person who seemed to not treat me like garbage (the very first days we met online at least, afterwards it's a very different story) and because I had problems with alcohol and stuff and thought I was pansexual because I was attracted to women but never asking myself if I ever felt something for men (I didn't, except fear. Which sometimes gets tangled with having "butterflies" because again, I'm fucked up).

Idk, for me lesbianism by definition is tied to repulsion or at the very least indifference towards the male body (all the male bodies, not just the ones who traumatized you), not just attraction to the female body, which can be bisexuality.

I'm also curious (since I see this hot topic a lot) about everyone's opinion about women who simp for, say, fictional men (maybe even exclusively feminine male characters, created to cater to a female audience). Who for example have fantasies about them, which don't involve penetrative sex, thinking of dicks or male characteristics they'd be confronted to irl like smell and hair and average moid behaviours. Could it be internalized homophobia/misogyny? A way to feel safe/deal with some ossues they had with males? Can they be lesbians (maybe lesbian in denial)? If so, does it i stop once they accept themselves? Or is it a dead giveaway of bisexuality? Curious of what radfems think about this since I've since very varying opinions on Reddit and such and met women like that irl.

[littlehideawaysblog]

With creating this new blog about my progress in my faith and spirituality I figured an overview was in order.

Early Life:

I was raised in a protestant Christian household where my mom was protestant and my dad was catholic. My siblings and I were raised protestant. This was my only form of identity for many years leading to an existential crisis and breakdown when my newly developing sense of self collided with my preexisting persona.

The sign of the end:

In 4th grade I realized I was a boy and no one else could see me that way. Everyone else would only see a little girl. I did not have the language to describe the feeling so it stayed hidden until 6th grade when the terms gay, lesbian, and trans, finally made it into my perception. With the advent of new words and identities I labeled myself for the first time, transgender. However within the week I had lost so many of my ‘friends’. Being raised in a fundamentalist church means all of your friends are also your faith. So when I figured myself out they turned on me believing I was choosing to sin just to spite God. In that time I had lost the support of friends, family, and my church. This led to a mental health collapse and several inpatient stays.

While in ward during one such stay I met a girl who was a hellenistic polytheist. I had some passing interest in the hellenistic pantheon and so we became friends. I began to research the greek and norse pantheons however due to restrictive homelife and a volatile environment I was not open about practicing or researching.

“Theistic Satanism”:

At some point in the 8th or 9th grade I stumbled upon a website that had been recommended through a tumblr page at that time. The website was, Joys of Satan. I need to take the time here to state. I was unaware of their shitty behavior and racism back then. I would not recommend going to their page for information as much of it is tainted by their background in racism.

I took a quick interest into what I would call Theistic Satanism. I devoted quite a lot of time towards reading any texts I could get a hold of. I would not say I’ve been practicing all these years, instead I’d say I’ve been learning all these years.

Around a year into that interest I hit my first major roadblock. My mother found my journal that had slowly become more of a book of shadows for me. She felt it was her job to keep me from ‘sinning’ in her house and threw everything that could even be remotely related out. No more scented or unscented candles, no incense, no personal journal. She combed through my sketchbooks and school notebooks removing anything she though was ‘devil worship’ For a few months this went so far as to ban both the Harry Potter books and the Percy Jackson books. I'd continue to read and learn in secret, this time extra careful to not be caught.

My first patron:

Late 9th grade I began going out with an older guy. My first real relationship. I honestly thought I loved him, and maybe I did but in the end he wasn’t healthy for me. I will not go into details of what all occurred however long story very short, I needed out he wouldn’t let me leave. I didn’t feel strong enough to leave, because if I did, who would love me?

During this time I would have vivid disturbing nightmares about him and things he had done. In several of these nightmares they’d be interrupted by a masculine force, though I was not able to place who or what it was. On occasion that feeling would return to me in the waking world as well. I decided to slowly brute force figuring out who or what the feeling was. So name by name I went. Starting with the Greeks, then Romans, then Norse. Eventually making it to the Goetics and finally to Glasya-Labolas to which I felt incredibly strong towards.

I do not know for certain why or how that had ended up but I became very grateful to him for his presence. One evening I finally had enough. We had been working on self sufficiency and getting past the need to be loved, and useful. That my worth was not tied to how useful I was to someone else. I believe he helped me realize I was allowed to say no and leave instead of saying no but staying because I didn’t want to make him mad.

Soon after leaving that situation I stopped feeling the presence altogether, I grew up and moved on.

Throughout high school I continued to try to find reading materials on demons however due to a hawkeyed mom I had to be very careful. I decided senior year that when I moved to college I wouldn’t need to hide my study so much and I’d finally be free to really learn. I was both right and wrong. University libraries gave me access to book loan systems that could get me new books on the topic but my dorm mate would intentionally play loud christian music when I would meditate. Win and lose some I guess.

By the end of that first year of college I had learned of a new name to call the faith I had been working through, Demonolatry. Under the new name I had so many more books to read and authors to look up. Though I began to feel dejected, I was angry with the early highschool version of myself for not maintaining the work I had been doing with Glasya-Labolas. I decided to reach out again, to no response. For a few months I gave up. Summer was back, It meant I was back in my parent’s house and their watchful eyes.

Returning to school I decided to try again. My new roommate was fine with the idea of paganism but was afraid of demonolatry. Which I believe is fair considering her catholic upbringing.

At some point in this time I began to reach out more broadly to anyone who was willing to work with me in order to help guide my studies. For a while I felt nothing, in fact for a whole year. By junior year of college I finally felt it, well smelled it. A sudden intense cinnamon scent. This meant absolutely nothing to me. Once Again as my high schooler self did before, brute force.

This eventually led me to King Paimon and a lot of things started to make sense. I am still working with King Paimon as of this time however I have reached out to others as in my personal beliefs working with a demon does not need to always be this major lifetime commitment of monogamy.

I’m happy to answer questions about my personal experience but because I am still figuring out my own beliefs I will warn you to take answers about faiths with a grain of salt.

I've been learning about forms of demonolatry for about 8 years though I’ve only really been practicing for about 1.5 years.

Your faith and practice are going to be different from other peoples. I think that is the most important thing to learn, no one needs to understand your faith but you and the beings you work with.

[moldygreenblue]

Borderline Existential Crisis

(AO3 link is here.)

The ceiling fan continued to spin clockwise. The lights attached to it are turned off. The curtains are drawn closed, preventing any light coming from the rising sun to break through.

Sally lied down on her sofa, clutching a soft, fluffy pillow onto her chest. She shouldn’t have eaten that close to expired pint of strawberry ice cream.

The lights are suddenly turned on. Sally saw at the entrance of the room is a pajama cladded R, who for the last week, has been temporary staying with Sally to hide from enemies.

“Care to explain why you’re moping in the dark, Sally?”

“One, it’s my house, so I can do whatever I want,” answered Sally, adjusting herself to be sitting right-side up. “And two, I’m moping because I came up with a thought. It’s a terrifying thought that couldn’t leave my mind after we had dinner, with me eating ice cream for dessert.”

R walked towards Sally, and took the empty spot next to her. “Let me be certain I didn’t mishear. The ice cream gave you this particular thought?”

Sally nodded her head. “R, trust me when I say I should have listened to you about not eating that pint of almost expired ice cream. I’m certain the ice cream is the root cause of my dilemma.”

“I don’t believe the two are exclusively connected to one another,” said R, “but I’m grateful for you to admitting you should have heeded my advice. What’s the terrifying thought plaguing your mind? I promise I won’t laugh, if I don’t think it as terrifying as you think it is.”

Sally looked back down at the soft, fluffy pillow in her hands. “You how people believe there are other worlds? Parallel or alternate worlds existing in a different plane than our reality?”

“I may have overheard it a few times by accidental eavesdropping on some colleagues lunch discussions at the Orion Observatory,” admitted R, rubbing her hand on her chin. “Most talk of parallel worlds and alternate worlds mostly came from the rumbustious visitors trying to derail and disrupt the public tours. I think there’s some new sci-fi television show airing that revolving around this concept, which could explain the disruptions and derailments. I’m not sure why they would want to discuss this at an observatory, but I think I’m derailing this conversation now. So... Why are you asking me about this particular topic?”

“I’m not sure why I thought about it,” said Sally, holding onto the pillow tighter, “but I couldn’t help but think of a world where I don’t exist, and nothing would change.”

“Why would you say such a thing!?” R crossed her arms, and frowns. “Is this because you’re always the last to know about V.F.D. picnics, other social gatherings, and meetings?”

“It’s in the adjacent area of the topic,” answered Sally, and she soon let out a deep sigh. “Picnic and other social gatherings, I can forgive since you know I’m not fond of them. Meetings I get furious over due to the fact I have reports to deliver, but at least I’m always called in at the last minute. But it’s another thing to discover your brother is dead via phone call weeks after they pulled out his body from Swarthy Swamp and held his funeral without you!”

Sally threw the pillow across the room, watching it hit the curtains. She then grabbed R’s hand. R made no sudden movement to remove Sally’s suddenly grasp.

“Tell me the truth.” Sally stared directly into R’s eyes. “Your social network of associates and volunteers is —was— greater than mine. R, am I that forgettable of a person and volunteer to where it’s not surprising when I say I don’t see myself existing in a parallel or alternate world?”

R patted Sally’s face gently with her free hand. “You’re not forgettable, Sally. You’re one of the most memorable people I’ve have the honor to know. Don’t let anything let you think otherwise.”

[jupiter-va]

I’m sorry ppl have been giving u a hard time on getting ur audios out :(( ur allowed to take ur time and I totally understand the existential crisis of discovering ur a lesbian. It’s very daunting. Don’t listen to these ppl and take as much time as u need ❤️🥰

It's okay, most people have been super sweet about it. It really was stressing me out though😭

I had it in my head for so long that I had had it all figured out at like 14, so I think finally admitting to myself that I have pretty much been wrong for so many years threw me for a loop and I needed some time😅

Thank you for being so supportive💖

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

Our Deepest Depressions Don’t Define Us: Part 1.

...

*After the message is delivered to the rest of the Future Foundation, everyone heads off to bed. Due to his injuries, Kuripa is allowed to stay in the café instead of the camper to assure comfort. However, he is unable to sleep still, and decides to head downstairs to get something to drink.

???: Yes, I know...Don’t blame Shuichi for this. It was entirely my idea.

...?

???: Yes, Mii-Yu is with me as well, so is Kibin, but the circumstances are...a little weird on that one...Yes, I know, I promise, when I come home and see you again, I’ll tell you everything.

*Hearing a voice, he opens the door to the café area after climbing down the stairs and sees a person sitting at the table, talking over the phone.

I promise you, it won’t happen again. I know we don’t keep secrets from each other, but there’s a lot going on right now and I had some personal stuff to take care of.

I’ll be back as soon as you know it...Thanks for understanding. See you later.

*Kaede hangs up.

Who was that?

Gah!? Uh...hey. 

What are you doing still up? It’s late out.

I could say the same to you you know?

I have an EXCUSE. I already slept through basically half a day after killing Katagiri. What are you up to?

I was just...letting Kaito know that we’re safe and sound...not to mention where we are right now...

Where you are-Are you serious? You didn’t TELL them?

They would have tried to stop us from coming and I didn’t want them getting wrapped up in all this. You would have done the same.

...

*Kuripa sits next to her.

Something’s fucky.

Sorry?

You’ve been acting weird ever since we reunited in the factory, and now I find out that you ditched your friends to come here over a message that may or may not have been a trap. Dragging your boytoy along with you not to mention.

Plus, upon immediately finding out the scope of Rantaro’s plan, you immediately chose to attack him and steal from us, even though we meant you no damage. I still don’t forgive myself for what I did to you back there, but even so!

You’re the one who threw that knife. I just picked it up and threw it right back at you twice as hard. The Kaede Akamatsu I know isn’t that naïve! You keep jumping into dangers without a plan not thinking about what the consequences might be.

...

...

*Kuripa places a hand on Kaede’s shoulder.

If you don’t want to open up to me, that’s fine. But I want to fix this problem between us...

And I can’t do that if you keep acting out of it. What’s going on with you?

...

...Does it have something to do with...your universe?

Wha-!? H-How did you know!?

I’ve just been thinking...If I was transported to another universe with no way back to mine, I would have trouble fitting in.

If you’re having an existential crisis Akamatsu, just say so. We can all help you through it.

N-No, you’re misunderstanding. I AM thinking about the world I came from but...I’m not really looking for a way to go back.

...I think.

Dude...Whatever the issue is...Just tell me. Do you miss your world or not?

*sigh* Okay okay...

To be honest, no, I don’t miss my world. Far from it. Even though there was no real tragedy, my world was a sad place with a w

I’m living a great life in this world, and there’s no way I would ever take the chance to go back to mine...but...

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have any regrets...

Hoo...Ok, fine! This happened a LONG time ago and...it doesn’t really matter anymore? But...Let’s just say that you and I have always had something in common that I never told you about.

What are you saying?

I...I kind of forgot after waking up, but given time, my memories have returned to me. And I recalled something that happened before I was inducted into the Killing Game...

Kuripa...I’m not an only child. I have a twin sister.

You do!?

Yeah...Her name is Kaori...There is a bit of a story to it though. Do you have the time?

All in the world right now.

Thanks...To begin with...I didn’t really have a good relationship with my parents. My upbringing was pretty standard, but as soon as my talents as a pianist started to blossom, they tried to...use me and taken advantage of me...

What’s more, they basically ignored Kaori, since she didn’t have the same level of skill that I did. She was worthless to them.

When we were old enough, we moved out together to try and escape from them. For the longest time, it was successful, but...

I’m assuming things didn’t work out in the end?

Even though we were living together, we had completely separate lives. I don’t remember the specifics, but...my life continued to get better while Kaori’s got worse. She started spending a lot of money and I think she might have even joined a gang of delinquents.

...If I’m being honest, I don’t even know what started it...But we got into a huge fight one day. The end of that fight resulted in her covering my one and only piano at the time with gasoline and setting it on fire.

Oh boy...

I got angry and forcefully kicked her out of the house...and then...

Th-Then...

Akamatsu...!?

The police came to deliver the news for me...Kaori had been riding her motorcycle while drunk and she...drove into oncoming traffic.

!!!???

D-Did she...?

Yeah...

Shit...!

*Kuripa hangs his head.

To make a long story short, the reason why I acted out of sorts is because I remembered that...the anniversary for that event was yesterday.

That’s...NOT an excuse for...my actions. It happened a while ago but...I just didn’t feel like bringing the mood down...

This is it, isn’t it?

Huh?

It only makes sense...THIS is why you joined Danganronpa!

...With my parents using me as they did and with Kaori gone from my life...I looked at the world with nothing but pessimism and detest. No one was worth trusting back then. And Danganronpa seemed like the perfect way to escape from that sick reality.

By entering an even sicker one?

My mind wasn’t in a good place at the time, ok!? I needed an OUT!

No, I-I get it.

That’s what I mean though. I don’t want to go back there, but if there’s one thing I regret, it’s that I’ll never have a chance to visit her grave again...And I can’t forgive myself for entering Danganronpa just to erase her existence from my memories.

And...when we met in the factory, and you started telling me about your murder plan, I remembered that, and the situation with YOUR sister! And...and...!

Slow down! Wipe those eyes of yours and breathe...Other than me, how many people know about this?

*Kaede wipes her eyes as per Kuripa’s request.

Right now, just Shuichi and Mii-Yu. I kind of had to tell him to convince him to let me go to Central Park.

...Akamatsu...

I know...I’m sorry...The reason why I was so quick to follow Rantaro’s message...it might have been because I needed a distraction...Instead I just showed up out of nowhere and complicated things.

I messed up...

Grief is a hard pill to swallow Kaede. Maybe this sounds ironic coming from me, but we all deal with it in our own way. 

You and I aren’t the only people who have lost. And we still have so much left to lose. Our friends, our family...everything we cherish.

But it’s part of living the lives we do to push forward and forge new paths, not just for us, but for those exact people too. Even if we have to deal with great pain to ensure we do so.

But the killing game you were part of puts things very literally. If you wished to forget the life that you’ve lived, and turn it into some...empty, fleeting reality made from your own twisted conscience...Then that’s all it will become.

How you live your life and how you deal with your grief is up to you, and there’s nothing I would do to change that. But as your mentor...and someone who REALLY cares about you...I at least want you to know that.

Heh...If only I had you around after the fact.

I could say the same to you. Or...I would if at least one of our grief solutions were actually sane...You join a killing game, I become a vigilante...

Hehe...I think we’re both a little crazy...

...

Akamatsu...I know I said you should go to bed, but...would you mind coming with me? 

Um...sure...but why?

Nothing really. There’s just something I think I need to tell you.