#thread. bertrand bell

[featherlesswings]

I’m now completely caught up on all the chapters of Candela Obscura, and I just love that male players from two out of the four Circles heard “do you want to play a cosmic horror tabletop RPG?” And immediately decided to be incredibly romantic, sopping wet pathetically in love with another player character, and having that inform most of their roleplay choices. Just. Amazing. Love seeing dudes choose to be heartsick puppydogs. It’s especially pleasant to me considering how many dudebro “fans” of Critical Role complained that Fjord wasn’t cool anymore once he multiclassed/became a paladin (and dropped his Texas Cowboy persona), and have whined like little bitch babies about Travis’ two Old Man characters in campaign 3. I thrive on how often Travis Willingham in particular chooses not to play hyper masculine cardboard cutout male power fantasy characters, in favor of dorks, wimps, and freaky little weirdos. We can always count on Liam to create a heart wrenchingly tragic character, and Taliesin to create something so random, artistic, and rare that Matt has to create a new subclass just for him, and Sam to create something out of this world weird, funny, and tragic. But traditionally handsome, masculine male players, whether legacy or new, playing Super Simps and super far out of the box fantasy characters just makes me so happy.

[maacbrem]

Thinking about Lieve’tel and Bertrand and crying at the club

She’s off putting and she knows it, knows that she moves a bit too carefully to seem entirely natural and when she speaks there’s an unearthly resonance to her voice and when she closes her eyes she sees all the threads of the world converging into warp and weft. She’s seen generations pass her by while she remains unchanged, her goddess’s voice and silence guiding her onwards, and she knows when people look at her they reject what they can’t understand. The Champion left behind his family to serve the Matron, and she takes it as her duty to watch over them even when they insult, demean, mock and dismiss her (even when they watch her back in battle and allow her to guard theirs in turn, which for warrior folk like them is as good as a declaration of care even as they refuse to meet her eyes or hold her gaze too long in a challenge she won’t answer).

And Bertrand is… normal. Ordinary. Unremarkable until he opens his mouth, and prone to sticking his foot there. He’s an aging human enamoured with the idea of being not a hero, per se, but a heroic figure. The dream of a legacy drives him. He learned to duel in fencing clubs but his first real fight was a half-drunken brawl to reclaim a bard’s stolen tips. He has a sense of righteousness but doesn’t always act on it and the older he gets the more frightened he is of dying without meaning. He makes her laugh, and then he does it again on purpose, and he keeps doing it for as long as they spend together.

She makes time for him when he’s in Vasselheim, usually scouting out the up-and-coming young adventuring parties that make their way through the city because he wants to be a mentor but hasn’t quite figured out what he has to offer yet. He attends services and makes offerings and lets her unpick his tangled anxieties about what comes after. They get thirty years in intervals of hours to weeks, and they’re not exclusive - neither of them is ever in a place to make promises they don’t really need - but they keep circling back to each other.

She knows she’s going to lose him and he knows she’s already mourning him. He gives her a bell for her prayer beads and she passes on the name of an old supplicant with a bloody past who might have work that suits him in Marquet. When he dies, she knows he’s gone before she wakes that morning. When the world is poised to end, she puts herself on the line with his token in hand because it is her duty and her honor, and because Bertrand once said that to be remembered well is to be immortal without cost, and what they had might not have been love but it was important.

[ladynearthelake]

Cold Hands, Warm Heart

Yep, this is just where we're at now, huh?

Lieve'tel and Cerkonos, after the battle:

Lieve’tel quietly excuses herself once Vox Machina is settle at Whitestone. She has no illusions that she’ll be missed. She hands off the arcane relic to Lord De Rolo and ducks out of the chamber. She can still feel the resentment in the Tempest’s gaze as she glides away. She can’t blame Keyleth. She understands. But she can do nothing about the natural order of things. Death gives life meaning, but that is little comfort to those still grieving. Even after all this time.

As she descends the steps, she reaches her hand out, letting the small, silver bell sway with the movement. She closes her eyes and cast a locating spell. Like all in her order, Lieve’tel can usually find her way to the nearest cemetery, but she wants to be sure. She’s not sure how long she’ll be welcome here, and it would only be right to pay her respects.

Mr. Bell was a sweet man, pompous and full of himself, but kind in a natural way that reminded Lieve of her own, long passed family. She enjoyed the time they spent together. He wasn’t in Vasselheim often, but he always came to call when he if he was. He was ruled by the call to adventure, and last she saw him, he had mentioned a new prospect in Jrusar. She wished him well with a kiss to the cheek when he left.

Part of her knew she wouldn’t see him again. Even in her position, she isn’t inoculated against the pain of grief.

The dream of his final moments--and her name being the last on his lips-- ached for weeks.

But death is a part of life, and Lieve’tel knows this better than most.

She smiles at the small carving of Bertrand on the large clock tower she passes. Even through her gloves, she can feel to coldness of the stone.

She takes the long way around, her instincts drawing her to a small path that winds through the woods outside the city walls. The woods are peaceful; a stark contrast to the madness she just witnessed. She’s still battered and sore, but a quick rest will sort that out.

Snowdrops carpet the path she walks, and she smiles. She lets some of the formality of her presentation fall away. Her shoulders fall and her head falls forward. Perhaps she’s more tired than she thought. But soon enough, Lieve’tel emerges into the Greyfield. The headstones are white and clearly well tended. It’s a comfort to see that the dead are not forgotten here. She tugs on the strings of her spell, and lets them pull her towards one of the newer headstones. It’s imperceptibly whiter than the rest, but she manages to locate it.

“Hello, Mr Bell,” she says as she slowly gets to her knees. She sits heavily on her heels and begins to tug at the fingers of her gauntlets. “It pleases me that you’ve been so well attended to.”

She tosses her gloves carelessly beside her, and reaches out a hand to run over the headstone. She traces the engraved epitaph, forcing down the stab of grief when she remembers the touch of his knobby knuckles against her cheek. Her other she buries in the still loose topsoil. When she flexes her hand, she remembers the last time she ran her fingers through his gray chest hair and the way the light from the fireplace cast his euphoric smile in sharp contrast to the shadow.

A tear rolls down her porcelain cheek. She leans forward so it might fall into the soil.

She imagines him walking in the comfort of the Matron’s shadow, and that soothes the ache a bit. The thread of her existence will be long, but she will see him again when it is finally her time to rest.

She sits there for a bit, resting and healing, before she catches a familiar scent on the wind. It’s fresh and earthy, like the forest floor after a cleansing fire. New threads of life are so eager to reach for the sky now that the way is cleared. She smiles to herself, rousing from her mediation.

“Flamespeaker,” she says without turning around.

His steps are nearly silent, but she can feel the faint vibration in the ground. He stops just behind her, and when she turns to look at him over her shoulder, he’s frozen in place. It’s very fetching how wrong footed he is around her. She moves to push herself up, but falters. He’s at her side in an instant, clearly trying to find something to say. His hands are invitingly warm.

“Thank you.”

“I…I did not mean to presume,” Cerkonos says, moving away from her after he seems sure she won’t fall, “If you wanted to be alone, I can—”

Lieve’tel shakes her head. “No, I only wanted a moment to visit.” She grabs hold of his wrist before he can pull fully away and wraps her arm around his. Whatever tension she’s still holding from the fight releases at the touch of his flame. “I am still a bit unsteady, if you don’t mind.”

They stand there for a moment, looking at each other. He doesn’t seem to have any lingering hurts from the battle, but she before she can ask if he needs a bit of healing, she feels the flame of his magic wash over her. The relief of it nearly brings tears to her eyes, but Lieve’tel is very well schooled in keeping her emotions hidden. She only leans into him, leeching what she can of his fire.

He ducks his head as she smiles knowingly at him. “The battle was hard, and you had been hurt,” he mumbles.

She tilts his chin up with the tip of her finger. “Thank you, Cerkonos. I wonder if I could impose upon you for an escort back to Vasselheim? Vox Machina needs their time to rest and recover, but the battle is far from over.”

“Oh…yes. I should return as well.” Cerkonos looks back toward the castle towering over them. “Should we tell them?”

Lieve’tel thinks of the looks on the Tempest’s and Lady De Rolo’s faces when they saw the Champion again and shakes her head. “No, let them have the evening. There will be much to do tomorrow.”

He nods and gestures towards a nearby tree. They pass through the tree side by side, stepping out into the chilly air of the Dawn City. A light flurry of snow blankets the Abundant Terrace as they step out of the Birthheart.

“May I take you back to the Duskmeadow?” Cerkonos asks, blushing handsomely.

“That is quite the trek from here, Flamespeaker. I understand you have accommodations here?”

His gaze jerks back to hers.

“This could be the eve of the end of the world, Cerkonos. I would rather not be alone.”

His face flushes redder than Ruidus, but he nods quickly. Lieve’tel grips his arm a bit tighter and gives him a slight nod. He guides her through the flaps of his tent and with a gesture gets a fire burning in the fire pit at the center of the space. She asks him to help her remove her cape and armor before she pulls out the pins holding her hair in place. She’s still in her underclothes, and stops him from undressing any further. She pulls him to the bed and gently pushes him down. She lets him settle before resting her head against his shoulder. Her hand rests just over his heart. He is warm and so very alive. He lets his hand settle just above her hip as he slowly lets himself relax.

Lieve’tel wants to say something, a promise for the uncertain future, something comforting, but exhaustion overwhelms her. She blinks sleepily, noting the book at his bedside and the bookmark set a few pages from the end.

“Will you read to me?” she asks.

“O-of course,” he says. He reaches over and finds his place. She barely registers the words, but lets the vibration of his chest carry her to sleep. There’s much to do in the morning.

[featherstcnes]

it was strange still, to be back in whitestone. to walk the streets, the halls of buildings, she never thought she would see again. and the looming sun tree that seemed to follow her every single step that she took. despite her being back, and bells hells seemingly whole once more, laudna was not blind -- she knew there was some sort of lingering tension or unresolved emotions with the de rolos. laudna didn't quite know how to navigate it, and so she simply tried to act her usual self, though that was also likely not adding to the cause. so when she received a message from vex'ahlia, requesting her company, it wasn't as if laudna could say no. and it was how she found herself approaching the woman at their destination, fingers nervously tugging at a loose thread of her dress.

" come on, pâté, " laudna said gently to herself, letting her feet take her closer to the woman. kindness was not expected, but when she did receive it, there was a sense of comfort rising within her. " oh, no, it's fine. they've been carrying my dead body around for quite a while, i think they can do without me for a few hours, " the woman said with a dismissive wave of her hand. if laudna was anything, she was someone who was incredibly upfront about things that others would shy away from. she closed the distance between them a bit more, following the woman as they began to walk towards the tree line.

" thank you, for your... help. at least i wasn't the first dead body that showed up at your doorstep from bells hells. " bertrand was the first -- they had sent him here to be returned due his connection with vox machina. " though, i suppose being first would have been quite a statement. " it still felt a bit strange being back, and while laudna was attempting to be her normal self, being here had her slightly shaken. being back to life in general had her shaken. and still, the thrum of delilah in her chest, though small, made her feel as if she would be under close inspection by the de rolos. " where are we going? "

Memories of home

closed starter for @featherstcnes - Laudna

"Be careful, my lady. Not all might be as it seems" Her husbands words still reverberated in her mind and heart. She had told him not to worry, that he knew very well she could take care of herself and that there was no reason to hold contempt for people who came to their home in search for aid rather then wanting to cause them and their family harm. Still her mind was with her children as well, naturally wanting to protect them from the harms of this world but knowing that they were far too smart and perceptive to not know what was going on. And so Gwendolyn had tried to follow her to the Orchards this morning, though Vex found out before they left the confines of the castle grounds.

Now, Vex'ahlia was standing at the edge of the orchards and gardens, miles of reclaimed farmland, the edge of town that bordered the forests. She was always more comfortable in nature. A second set of steps let her turn and a friendly smile appeared on her features as she saw Laudna approach, a little more color in her face then there'd been last night after they had achieved what Bell's Hells had hoped for.

"Laudna, I'm glad you could join me. I hope you didn't take leaving your friends behind as a slight." Vex stepped forward, her formal attire from the days prior abandoned for more familiar hunting clothes. Fenthras was strung across her shoulders along with a quiver of arrows. Not that she needed them but it felt familiar. "I wanted to show you something." Vex inclined her head, waiting for the darkhaired woman to catch up to her, then she started leading her towards the trees.

[faetyd]

      bertrand was muttering beneath his breath — something inconsequential, really; something about looking forward to sleeping in a warm bed by the end of the evening. something about going to bed immediately after supper. while he considered himself to be particularly spry, that didn't necessarily mean that his age didn't plague him on occasion.

      he was a far cry from the sprightly adventurer that had toiled in the presence of vox machina, but no less capable. mid-contemplation, the fighter nudges dorian with the sharp point of his elbow to catch his attention.

      ❝ so, tell me. what are your thoughts on this whole... hole situation? ❞ he gestures vaguely, miming a hole resembling where the shade creepers had appeared from within.

a starter for @vvanderers​ from bertrand!

[annemarieyeretzian]

laudna gifting dorian a bertrand doll made out of chicken bones and bertrand’s actual hair and dorian being genuinely grateful for it to laudna’s face and laudna being delighted

[el-makes-art]

I love Laudna and her terrible, horrible, heartfelt gift, and I love Dorian for being kind about it.

[ID: a fanart comic showing Dorian and Laudna from Critical Role.

Panel 1: Laudna is speaking to Dorian. She says "I know how guilty you were feeling about poor Bertrand…"

Panel 2: A close up of Laudna’s face, as she says "So I want you to have this!"

Panel 3: The words ‘Ta-da’ appear next to a horrifying doll version of Bertrand Bell. Its head is made from a wine cork, with eyes and a mouth gouged into the front and clumps of hair glued on top. The body is made from chicken bones bound together with red thread, and it holds a tiny bone-cane.

Panel 4: Laudna gives an unintentionally creepy smile and says "I used his actual hair!"

Panel 5: Dorian says "Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh Laudna." He looks uncomfortable.

Panel 6: With a resigned expression, Dorian holds the doll and says "I will treasure tiny Bertrand forever." Laudna looks pleased. End ID]

[featherbow]

Critical Role Tags

Everything is tagged for your spoiler filtering convenience :)

Campaign 1 - Vox Machina: CR1, Vox Machina (older posts only have Vox Machina)  (Youtube Link) (Where it all began, has some early audio issues, growing pains, and a problematic player that leaves after the first 27 episodes. The story starts with the group already established as they had been playing for two years pre stream at that point. I recommend having subtitles on!)

Post campaign one shots are The Search for Grog/Bob, which takes place immediately after the events of Campaign 1 and introduces Bertrand Bell and Lieve’tel who make appearances in Campaign 3, and Dalen’s Closet

Campaign 2 - The Mighty Nein: CR2, The Mighty Nein (older posts only have The Mighty Nein)  (Youtube Link) (New characters meeting for the first time. Takes place about 23 years after the full events of Campaign 1)

The CR2 One Shots are The Mighty Nein Reunited (takes place 6 months after the end of Campaign 2) and Echoes of the Solstice (set 7 years after campaign 2 and during events of Campaign 3)

Exandria Unlimited Calamity - The Ring of Brass: Exandria Unlimited, ExU Calamity  (Youtube Link) (Takes place hundreds of years before Campaign 1. A master class of story telling that WILL make you cry)

Exandria Unlimited Prime - The Crown Keepers: Exandria Unlimited, ExU  (Youtube Link) (Takes place 6 years after Campaign 2 and one year before Campaign 3. Introduces Dorian, Fearne and Orym for Campaign 3)

Campaign 3 - Bell’s Hells: CR3, Bell's Hells, CR3 spoilers, Critical Role Spoilers (Youtube Link) (Picks up after Exandria Unlimited Prime. Has cameos and callbacks to campaigns 1 and 2 as well as episodes involving The Crown Keepers, The Mighty Nein and Vox Machina)                                                    Downfall: Downfall, CR3, CR3 Spoilers, CR Spoilers, Critical Role Spoilers, Downfall Spoilers  (Episodes 99, 100 and 101 of C3 showing flashbacks to the fall of Aeor taking place 100 years after the events of ExU Calamity)

Exandria Unlimited Kymal: Exandria Unlimited, ExU Kymal (Youtube Link) (Takes place post episode 16 of campaign 3, picking back up with The Crown Keepers)

Candela Obscura: Critical Role, Candela Obscura, Candela Obscura Spoilers, CR Spoilers, Critical Role Spoilers  (Youtube Link) (A monthly eldritch horror series using CR’s short form Illuminated World System)                      Chapter 1: Vassal and Veil                      Chapter 2: Needle and Thread                      Chapter 3: Tide and Bone                      Chapter 4: Crimson Mirror                      Live Show: Silver Screen

4 Sided Dive: Critical Role, 4 Sided Dive, CR Spoilers, Critical Role Spoilers (Youtube Link)  (The once a month talk show where four of the cast at a time get together to answer questions and be chaotic)

Daggerheart: Critical Role, Daggerheart (Youtube Link) (Critical Role’s new long form game system)

The Legend of Vox Machina: The Legend of Vox Machina, TLoVM, Critical Role Animated, The Legend of Vox Machina spoilers, TLoVM spoilers (Amazon Prime Link)

(An animated and condensed ADAPTATION of the first campaign, Vox Machina, starting with the Briarwood Story Arc on Amazon Prime. It is NOT a one to one re creation. Some story elements from the campaign have been shifted, streamlined, changed, or just left out. )

One shots are (generally) tagged by their names.

If you have any questions feel free to send me an ask or a DM. I don’t bite :)

Anyone spouting character and/or cast hate are instantly blocked. Don’t send me shipping discourse because I don’t care and won’t engage with it. I’m here for the story :)

Maybe check out my Ko-Fi if you feel like throwing a couple bucks my way to help me get my daughter a computer :)

https://ko-fi.com/featherbow

[samuraiko]

The Show As It Happens - a CRITICAL ROLE filk! :D

So after seeing the promo image for C3E37, and Sam Riegel wearing his Hamilton outfit, I suddenly banged out this entire song in about 20 minutes flat.

Enjoy!

“The Show As It Happens”

Seven players and a DM walk onto a set Diametrically opposed Those They confer with a storyline That can open doors that maybe should stay closed Bros The DM runs the show with unprecedented cosmic power A system he can tweak however he wants The players can wreak utter havoc with his story And here's the piece de resistance

We all saw it on the show as it happened The show as it happened The show as it happened We all saw it on the show as it happened The show as it happened The show as it happened Sure we mostly know how the game is played Who might get betrayed The dice rolls that are made We all know that it happens Coz we all saw it on the show as it happened

Laudna claims "Dear Imogen showed up on my doorstep one day in distress and disarray" Ashton claims "I found him in a mine It was basically a bloodbath that fucking day" Orym claims "I was sent by the Tempest to find these assassins - gods Fearne, please put that thing away" Bertrand claims "And I arranged the greeting, the venue, the interview, the meeting"

Coz We all saw it on the show as it happened The show as it happened The show as it happened We all saw it on the show as it happened The show as it happened The show as it happened Somehow this strange group comes together for a "Yes" Then Bertrand is a sacrifice while Dorian's a guest We all knew this would happen Coz we all saw it on the show as it happened

Meanwhile Poor Orym is grappling with the fact That not every issue can be settled by committee Meanwhile The Hells are dealing with the Shade Creepers (insert collective screams, shouts, and obscenities) It isn't pretty Eshteross then offers them a masquerade invite The Hells agree, it's chaos, Ashton gets in a fistfight

Eshteross: Maybe we could solve one problem with another Imogen: And maybe earn some favors for each other Eshteross: In other words Chetney: Oh ho Eshteross: A quid pro quo Orym: I suppose Eshteross: Wouldn't you like to eventually go home? Dorian: Actually I wouldn't Eshteross: Well I put forth this proposal Laudna: And you'll help us with our goals? Eshteross: Well, we'll see how it goes Ashton: Let's fucking go FCG: WHEE!

... all saw it on the show as it happened The show as it happened The show as it happened We all saw it on the show as it happened The show as it happened The show as it happened My gods, it's Ruidus Never mind the clusterfuckery inside of us And BOOM then it happened Coz we all saw it on the show as it happened

DM Matthew Mercer, sir! Just what did Brennan say to you to bring about Calamity: The Sequel? DM Matthew Mercer, sir! Is Treshi just a pawn, should Bells Hells really be tangling with Otohan Thull? DM Matthew Mercer, sir! Or did you know even then it doesn't matter which storyline you put in front of the players?

Coz they'll have adventures, just not the ones they thought You got more than you gave And I wanted what I got When you got threads in the game, you stay in the game But you don't get a STORY without some risks in the game Oh, I get love for it I get hate for it And I'll get it ALL If I just wait for it Wait for it Wait

Gods help and forgive me Coz I'm building something that's gonna outlive me What do you want, then? WHAT DO YOU WANT, THEN? If you don't have patience, what's the point of it all, then?!

We... want to see on the show how it happens The show how it happens The show how it happens We, we want to see on the show how it happens The show how it happens The show how it happens We... want to see on the show how it happens The show how it happens The show how it happens We, we want to see on the show how it happens The show how it happens The show how it happens

Roleplaying and compromise Hold you breath, and roll those dice We want the players to save the day But we don't get a say in how they choose to play We dream of those perfect rolls But we fear for the players' souls We're so afraid as it happens We've got to see on the show how it happens We've got to see on the show how it happens We've got to see on the show how it happens We've got to see, we've got to see, we've got to see On the show... LET'S GO!

[batnsons]

phew okay I need to take a deep breath and calm down (because I am keyed tf up rn) and remind myself that this isn’t a scripted show. matt has plans and ideas, sure. and the gang can have plans and ideas. but things sounding ominous and dangerous in a d&d game can mean absolutely jack shit. could this be matt attempting to engineer an exit for robbie/dorian? maybe. or, it could just be ramping up peril because we’re 13 episodes in now and they’re level five and this is when shit starts to get real. the dice will tell the true story, and I keep having to remind myself that foreshadowing in d&d doesn’t always mean anything at all. deep breath, fingers crossed.

because in all honesty, I’ve gotten the impression from day one that robbie is a guest in the sense that he isn’t a permanent critical role member, he isn’t going to be necessarily staying for every campaign after this, and he might not be rolling a new character should dorian die (gods forbid, but please stay even then), but he’s staying until either dorian dies or the campaign ends. he is in the intro, after all. but that’s just been my impression. they’ve gone to too much trouble to include him in the opening trailer and matt’s gone to so much trouble to include his backstory and get him so deeply involved in my opinion to just… intentionally write him out this soon. I hope. furthermore, I don’t think that robbie would let matt write him out without dorian making sure his brother was okay first. basically I don’t believe this is a travis-bertrand bell moment, I don’t think this is intentionally to remove dorian from the story. i think this is simply matt creating more intense peril and giving robbie further chances to actually play his character and grow his story in this campaign. and frankly i think matt is too good a storyteller to intentionally leave such a huge plot thread so loose and unfinished.

gods I hope I’m right. I can’t handle losing robbie and dorian

EDIT:

I also don’t think that matt would intentionally write out TWO characters, not in something that he clearly likes to be collaborative and improvised. I don’t think they’d do it twice, I just don’t.

[ceruleanvulpine]

re-reread special edition: footnotes

that is to say, the bad beginning: rare edition footnotes, which some helpful person has posted here. Book Club Beware, Spoilers Abound

In the years since the book’s publication, many people who have read the book have besieged me with questions concerning the iotas of the story, exactly how I came to know these iotas, and if I cared to add anything to my report. My reply to these questions is always the same. “Look behind you,” I say, and then I leap out of the window and slide down the drainpipe of the hotel, art gallery, or interrogation room in which I have been staying. Sometimes there is a car waiting for me. Other times it is someone in the car who is waiting.

The actual Bad Beginning doesn’t have as much of that lemony fresh style to which I have become accustomed, so it’s nice to get back to this. Mr. Snicket, please stop leaping out of windows. 

I have a few moments to add the following notes to iotas within the text of The Bad Beginning, reprinted here in the feeble hope that these police inspectors, art dealers and chambermaids will leave me alone.

Oh! They pulled part of that monologue in episode two from here!

On that particular occasion, the Baudelaire parents not only gave their children permission but encouraged them to leave the house, as the adults had some pressing business to attend to. This business was delayed indefinitely due to death.

I have no comment on this it’s just very good. 

The Baudelaire table was not used exclusively for dinner. (…) One thing I remember from my time at the table was that it was always necessary to use a coaster underneath one’s beverage so as to not leave an unsightly ring on the wood.

@snicketsleuth​ has used this as evidence that Lemony was at the Baudelaire mansion on the day of the fire, but they have also discussed how the family tree in UA only works if Lemony’s mother’s initial is the branch he comes from; given the fact that Beatrice is allergic to peppermints and Lemony refers to “the famous Baudelaire peppermint allergies,” it seems just as likely to me that Bertrand took Beatrice’s name rather than the other way around, meaning that Lemony is reminiscing about much longer ago.

This was an official fire department, which despite hundreds of years of existence has not managed to stamp out fire completely. Just recently I was forced to stamp out a fire completely, when I became so immersed in reading a philosophical work entitled Nobody’s Family is going to Change that I completely forgot about some Gruyère cheese fondue I was reheating. Also, I have reason to believe that the O that appears on the official fire department insignia stands instead for a person’s name.

Our narrator, in fine form, pivots from absurd literalism (the fire department has failed to completely get rid of fire) to, uh, apparently unaware hypocrisy (of all people, Snicket, YOU let unattended food catch on fire?) to unfounded paranoia (I don’t THINK it stands for Olaf Fire Department, L). 

I love him.

Curiously enough, Mr. Baudelaire’s brandy bottle was found on the remains of the dining table, with no coasters nearby. This would indicate that either the coasters were burned beyond recognition, or the Baudelaires had received a visitor who had no manners whatsoever.

Count Olaf: shows up to your house! drinks your brandy without a coaster! commits arson!

For more information on the Doldrums, interested parties might turn to chapter 2 of Norton Juster’s alleged allegory The Phantom Tollbooth.

@jewishsnickets​ !!!

For more information on the destruction of the Royal Gardens, interested parties might turn to the following articles in The Daily Punctilio, the city’s newspaper: “Arson suspected in Destruction of Royal Gardens,” by Jacques Snicket, and “Absolutely No Arson or Any Other Suspicious Thing Associated with the Royal Gardens, which Simply Burned to the Ground and Then Were Covered in Dirt Due to Wind, Says Official Fire Department,” by Geraldine Julienne. Incidentally, the Royal Gardens had several ornate wooden benches ideal for sitting and reading, or for contemplating the more exotic plants contained in the Poisonous Pavilion. All of these benches where lost in the destruction except one, which has since been moved to the lobby of a hotel. It is easily recognizable due to a small unsightly ring, left by someone who did not use a coaster underneath his or her beverage.

1) The reference to poisonous plants ties in with the theory that the case Justice Strauss was dealing with (with the poisonous plant, and the illegal use of someone’s credit card) was the destruction of the Royal Gardens, which Jacques was investigating.

2) This bench, apparently used by Olaf, turns up in The Penultimate Peril and again in The Beatrice Letters, which is fucking amazing. 

p.23 …the stuffed head of a lion, which was nailed to the wall. For more information about the abuse of lions, interested parties might turn to Book the Ninth. Professional lions are often named after their trainers, but I have been unable to determine if the lion on Count Olaf’s wall was Beatrice or Bertrand.

Hey……. this is uncalled for

Also, my sister has proposed that some of these eyes hid secret peepholes, cameras, or microscopic lenses, as in the Baudelaire home.

this sentence is a fucking journey, taking you as it does from “olaf that’s fucked up” to “as in WHERE??”

Despite Geraldine Julienne’s article in The Daily Punctilio “No Poisonous Plants Were Removed from Royal Gardens Prior to Destruction, Official Fire Department Reports.” I have reason to believe that the poisonous plant Justice Strauss referred to was removed from the Royal Gardens prior to its destruction.

See!!!

pp.41-42 From a street vendor, they purchased olives after tasting several varieties and choosing their favorites. My commonplace book contains following interview: LS: On the day in question, did three children-a fourteen-year-old girl, a boy a bit older than twelve who was wearing glasses, and a young baby with somewhat peculiar teeth-purchase from you some olives, after tasting several varieties and choosing their favorites? Vendor: Yes.

LEMONY, YOUR RESEARCH IS BAD

p.55 …if anyone had looked into the Baudelaire orphans’ bedroom… Two people did, of course.

Ah, no, see, this is where the really creepy note I remembered was.

._’

p.62 …the Fountain of Victorious Finance… Readers of Book the Seventh will remember that fountains are like top hats in that they provide hollow spaces in which things can be hidden (please see my note to page 6), and I imagine the damp surroundings of a fountain’s innards would be comforting if the person hiding inside had recently survived a fire.

(waves “beatrice survived” flag)

The songs include the following: “Dreary, Dreary” “The Butcher Boy” “Vide le Cercueil, Vide Mon Cœur” “Place Daturas on My Grave” “La Belle Dame Sans Merci” “Dry Bones” “Bizarre Love Triangle” “Dans des Terrains Cendreux” “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry” “Lately I’ve Become Even More Lonely, So I’m Crying Harder Than Usual” (unfinished)

Dreary, Dreary is a real and upsetting song by the Gothic Archies, based on the books. 

“The Butcher Boy” could be either a sad folk song called The Butcher’s Boy about a man who abandons his lover or a “bawdy” and “festive” Italian tarantella sometimes called The Butcher Boy?? 

“Vide le Cercueil, Vide Mon Cœur“ (”empty the casket, empty my heart”) is…. a fictional aria from a fictional opera called “The Posthumous Revenge,” which is itself in a book by Edward Gorey. Amazing. 

“Place Daturas On My Grave” doesn’t seem to exist anywhere else, but daturas are referenced in a later footnote.

“La Belle Dame Sans Merci” is, of course, a poem by Keats. 

“Dry Bones” is a biblical folk song??

I had previously assumed “Bizarre Love Triangle” was just a reference to the events of the VFD backstory, but no, it’s a New Order song and now it’s making me sad about Lemony, thanks Haniel. 

“Dans des Terrains Cendreux“ is the opening line of the poem “La Béatrice” by, yup, Charles Baudelaire. 

“I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry” is a song by Hank Williams, although the last one is… uh… presumably Lemony’s take on it. 

The Victorian art of flower arranging is a coded system in which each flower in an arrangement conveys a certain message. Below are some flowers and their Victorian symbolism: Aster: Cheerfulness in old age Chrysanthemum: truthful 

Datura: “I dream of thee”

Peppermint: cordiality, warmth of feeling Fennel: worthy of praise Nasturtium: heroism, patriotism None of these are flowers believed to have been used that evening. Please see also my notes to pages 6, 18 and 62

Bolding mine. Also, those footnotes are the thread about the possible survivor hidden in the fountain. HMMM. 

p.142 No one seemed to notice that he held a walkie-talkie the entire time. My commonplace book contains the following interview: LS: On the night in question, during the performance of Funcoot’s play The Marvellous Marriage, did you notice that Count Olaf, the production’s start, was holding a walkie-talkie the entire time? Audience member: No. LS: How about you? Another audience member: No. LS: You? Another audience member: No. LS: You? Another audience member: No. etc. p.146 “But Violet is only a child!” one of the actors said. “She’s not old enough to marry.” My commonplace book contains the following interview: LS: On the night in question, did you say, “But Violet is only a child!” one of the actors said. “She’s not old enough to marry.” Actor: I think so.

YOUR RESEARCH METHODS ARE BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD

P.157 In the darkness, Violet looked like a ghost, her quite wedding gown moving slowly across the stage. My commonplace book contains at least seventeen interviews with people who remarked that due to the facial resemblance, the white dress, and the dim lighting, Violet Baudelaire looked quite a bit like a woman who is no longer alive.

hello…….. this has killed me