#this wasn't worth what I saw
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if you struggle with mental health, one piece of advice i would genuinely give you is learn to knit.
or crochet: something repetitive to do with your hands, assuming you're capable of it. if you're like me and learnt to knit as a kid but let it lie fallow for a long time, it may be that starting a large, simple project (for me it was a cloak, but a blanket could work too) gets you back into it. or maybe doing something smaller, idk. i personally found socks really hard for a while because they felt smaller than my cloak but weren't getting Done quick enough for me. as i've sped up i find it more interesting to knit socks.
regardless, a repetitive task is great for emotional regulation (also see: autistic stimming), and something that you can look at and go hey i've done something, unlike simply using a fidget toy, can also help to pick your mood up when the brain is being cruel.
it's also useful as a conversation starter or distracter if you don't know what to talk about. if you're wanting to talk to older people also you're more likely to reel them in with knitting (i work better with older people, and 99% of people who ask what i'm knitting are older than me). it also gives you the opportunity to not make eye contact because you're busy knitting, even if you're still carrying on a conversation. if you're absolutely stuck for conversation you can count your stitches and people might stop bothering you.
if you have trouble focusing without doing something with your hands, you can knit! i knit a lot in church, and it helps me to focus on what's being said.
i probably have more reasons you should pick up knitting, but i can't recall them right now, so yeah.
#knitting#catkin knits#i remember one specific time back in october where i was sitting in Bible class utterly unable to stop the most horrible thoughts going#through my head. i was knitting as fast as i've ever knitted. no exaggeration to say i was knitting to stop myself from attempting to die.#and afterwards i sat there in the corner knitting for all i was worth. just repeating to myself 'not now. i am not killing myself now.'#and someone saw me in the corner frantically knitting and came to ask if i was ok. and asked how my mental health was.#must've been end of oct bc it was the first wednesday after i was out of psych ward. and i was having lots of thoughts about the method#i'd used for what is still my most recent suicide attempt. which was in october. and i had the means with me.#it would have been a horrible thing to do. to kill oneself at Bible class. with children around. but i wasn't in a particularly hinged stat#of mind at the time. that's approximately the only clear memory i have of that time in fact.#anyway idk why im thinking of that rn when im fine
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If half alive has 1000 fans I am one of them. If half alive has 1 fan, I am that fan
#text#august rambles#this is brought to you by seeing someone's review for them. and saying they didn't like the ep because it was standard#and that now not yet was better but had a bunch of poor songs. some of them bad#they even said still feel wasn't good because it was appealing too much to 'teen angst'#anyway i couldn't read the rest i had to leave#it was too painful i like the music too much we viewed it from different standpoints ack#i see a lot of people saying half alive is knock off twenty one pilots and like i see what they're saying. they are similar but#why does that mean its a knock off. what if they are just similar. half alive is clearly doing they're own thing. they're not copying them#maybe. that is just what that band is good at doing! the same as twenty one pilots. just cuz twenty one pilots came first doesn't mean#they own the scene. (you can argue they're better at they're music but if you're gonna do that make sure you're comparing the early stuff)#anyway rant about this because. i really like half alive and just dsbkncjnvb you don't need to be a fan#you don't need to think they're awesome. you can have an opinion outside of mine#but please be nice. and remember. it's Your opinion it's not Truth. if you don't like the song. you don't like it#if you think the repetition is boring. its not for you. if the 'angst' is stupid. its not for you. if the song doesn't hold weight.#it's not for you. the artist wrote this. and worked with other people to publish it#clearly they cared and other people saw worth in it. and like!! the fact that they're not big name also means they Can't get away with like#stupid filler stuff. they don't have enough of a name they gotta impress#idk i care too much. i see things like this and im just. ugh. it feels pretentious#half alive
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on the loose live my beloved
#just saw niall !!#he was a big charmer as always he's just so very boyfriend#on the loose took me so by surprise i wasn't expecting it to stick around but i love it#i think my favs of the night were black&white and this town#b&w was SO joyful and bright i almost cried lol#this town is sacred#i also... never listened to the show bc life has been a long series of nightmares#and i never felt like i could sit down and absorb something new. after i while i decided i would just. Not#and get my first exposure at the concert#and all the songs i didn't know were soooo good i'm really excited to listen to the album now#and discover what they are all called lol#i think hearing music for the first time live is such a good way to be introduced to new songs so this was nice!#anyway he was v cute you could tell he didn't want to get off the stage :(#he was still wandering around when the post-show music started playing lol#the drive was a bit stressful but he was v worth it <3#tp
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which is gayer? SIX or Adamandi (real)
adamandi
#like. gotta break it to you. one of these musicals is canonically lgbtq and it's not the one where women sing about their dead husband yknow#like. idk what to say! but <shrugs>#ask me stuff???#must say the fandoms are really quite different. i'm quite fascinated by the dynamics tbh#also i realise a lot of the queendom(? forgot that was the name for a hot sec) go mad about women in shiny pretty costumes slaying#but also hmmmm adamandi is very much gender for me.( for all the characters. but specifically vincent and beatrix)#and the thing about queerness is it literally gets woven into the narrative. and it's Obvious.#smth about canonical lgbt+ rly is just. it hits. the representation is real? as opposed to fandom interpretations only#(and like... i love fandom interpretations and when people can see a new side to the character that they feel seen in!!!)#(but having it be in the original content is just... yeah... you do feel kinda especially seen)#watching adamandi was a bit like first watching firebringer for me? like except for sexuality it was gender o.O#firebringer was the first musical i saw with a canon wlw couple. and like i'd known that girls could like girls for a while but#there was the small italicised oh moment where i was like ''this is actually real'' <it's maybe worth noting i wasn't very active on soc me#about consuming things other than content. so i wasn't very exposed to the community at large. so representation in media mattered!!>#similarly it's been a while since then and both online and irl i've found people who are more open about it and accepting. i've been very#very lucky in that sense. to have specific irl friendgroups where we're all out to each other <based on sentiment? i think most of us#including me. aren't openly out irl> ... and online i'm really glad to have friends who Get It and are similar to me. but the representatio#... !!! omg hsnfjkfgdsdsghf yknow?? the representation in adamandi really got me. the pronouns thing especially.#and because the core source material is Like That.. existing fandom is all accepting already. so bonus points i guess#sorry i have turned this silly little question into a reflection prompt.. but. thoughts.#[wow. on further retrospection i've never outed myself at all online either people just saw the ship art and Inferred and]#[to be fair they were Not Wrong. idk. tumblr avvy is very vastly different from irl me but neither of us feel comfortable stating it so-]#[also worthy mention of the musicals fandom that exposed me to the whole concept of lgbtq+ being a Thing at the ripe young age of 14]#[what a way to discover it. really. i say this with extreme fondness. conversely i have friends who decided through genshin or anime so idk#<i'm aware of the diverse casting thing for six!! i think it's very cool!! i also realise the show plot doesn't really have much to do w it
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the portraits changing in act 3.
#in stars and time#in stars and time spoilers#HIS SMILE IS GONE WAAAAA#also i ran thru the whole castle without looping forward#collected the bomb and sharpened the knife and everything#and just like bad luck died to the king. looped back to the king. i skipped an extra loop + they took my bomb. jail.#it's fine i still beat the king without the bomb but grrra! wasn't even worth it the head housemaiden just repeated the same shit#and now here we go again.#i'm pretty sure i know what bonnies favourites all are. rice pineapple and samosas? + i finally tried all their foods#so that's smth#and i found out that the baker took out the book odile needs#and i saw the papers in mira's room with like. applications?#(shaking isa) JUST TELL ME WHAT UR GONNA TELL ME#interrupted by bonnie... now interrupted by mirabelle... is odile gonna interrupt us next loop
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How do people do this career thing. I'm gonna cry
#I don't understand why this is happening to me#I was so sure of path in stem and now I'm so conflicted#how do you choose this thing and why is it so painful#I've had to peel myself just to glimpse at what lies beneath and I DONT UNDERSTAND#why is it so tough#why can't someone just tell me what to do#I literally have body ache thinking about this#and this is all I think about#maybe physics just isn't for me? but I've spent so much of my life in it's service#maybe I was just overcompensating so that I could convince myself that I did love physics when it was just the attention I got from my#family when I was reading that hawking book something that I've always craved. they saw me as somebody worth something finally. I wasn't#the dumb sibling anymore. I was the one with the unconventional career choice?#I was the one who wanted to study physics. the stuff of people's “nightmares”#I was in the 8th grade. How do you recover from that.#who am I?? what do I want??? outside of my family's expectations and impositions??? I've set and worked for this impossible fantasy of me#becoming an astroparticle physicist and I don't think I love it. I wouldn't give myself up for it. I wouldn't sacrifice myself or my friends#or my family for it. maybe I've just been doing well because I've had to work hard. I work harder than all of the other people in my classdo#for a pretty average position#maybe I'm wrong but what if I'm right??? what if I'm going in the wrong direction??
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It's been implied many times in this blog, but I will say it directly this time
If Haruka Sakurai had a little more confidence, he'd make for one of, if not, the best boyfriend
I won't even apologize for spamming the Haruka tag, that man owns my heart
#haruka sakurai#milgram#We already know how he is with Muu#Yes the co dependency needs to break but it developed cause Haruka has zero self worth#If he properly gained confidence with the right person he'd be the sweetest partner#while still being healthy#He'd listen and do what you want while still giving you space if you needed it#Also he's not stupid (as many ppl think he knows nothing about anything)#He's actually quite a fast learner from the TL's when he socializes more with the others#I like to imagine he starts off cooking simple things for you#and then gradually learns how to make more complicated homecooked meals#Ofc with some noticeable errors at first but you can tell it's made with love#With time he becomes malewife material JUST HEAR ME OUT#Also just so soft with affection even with confidence#He would just initiate it more not really get rough with you#I saw someone say that Haruka would be flirty when he gains confidence#But I would imagine it more as him just giving out off handed compliments that he wasn't even aware was lovey dovey until you're hugging hi#picnics/ firework shows/ amusement park dates/walking together/build-a-bear#Okay but let's be honest: He'll do whatever you want on dates#Not great at planning them (probably would beat himself up for arriving at build a bear two hours after it closed)#But he's great at paying for your ice cream and carrying you home after your backup date :)#Gotta shut up before I get even more annoying#I love rambling about my boyfriend <3#He's such a sweetheart c'mon!
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you don't get how crazy i'm going over this
#like....LIKE?????#not even talking about the lisbon of it all (we have to though these things are intrinsically connected but we're holding off for now)#i'm so....proud? of this little fictional man?#was the setup a little silly? maybe (but i loved every SECOND of it i can't BELIEVE i actually got a big blowout and a lowest point-#realization AND a rush to the airport confession that's SO)#this payoff was so SO worth it for me#and honestly i don't think the setup was even THAT silly -- what did lisbon say in 4.24? he had to hit rock bottom and know it or something#that's this. hurting her like this is his rock bottom (see you can't ignore the lisbon of it all - which i LOVE)#even with all the crazy shitty things he's done up until now; especially to HER; it was to get red john; he had that to fall back on#(not that he really saw it as a fallback but it gave him something else to focus on/something to justify his methods)#but after red john (episode not person) he doesn't have that anymore and he's been floundering ESPECIALLY when it comes to her#this wasn't a con (*not an official con) this was him doing something shitty and her finally having had enough#and him realizing just how right she's been; she was right on the first plane this season and she was right at the blue bird#and he's finally able to admit to himself just how much of a shit he's been...and then he's able to admit a lot of other things too#that little bit of honestly led to so much more and it let him FINALLY say out loud what they both knew (as much as they ignored it#or talked around it or pushed it down) and it let him say it without pretenses or expectations; just because#he 'needed to get to this' and she 'deserved to hear it' and i'm usually kind of meh on 'i needed to say it/you needed to hear it'#but this one; this one i GET#and i'm not explaining myself well at all i'm delirious but the point is this is SO well done and it feels DESERVED for me i love it#tm
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So, I am debating this...but what if it wasn't JUST the scriptures that started making Wukong spiral? I'll probably post it more in depth later BUT what if another reason was Tripitaka gave-up?
#Behind The Mask | {OOC}#The Scrolls | Mun Menu {Post}#I like to think it's a number of factors that sank Wukong slowly to loose his hope and his will to fix it#Especially cause he had suffered the circlet and did all that work to change for the better to get the scriptures where they needed to be#And than they didn't help in the end#BUT like what if that wasn't the only factor???#Because it would suck that he did all that work for them but he still had his hope after; he still tried to be that 'hero' it needed#Sure; nothing was permanent and he ran himself ragged wanting to fix it#He held on because he had that hope it would all be worth it; that it had to get better...that it would get better...#What finally did him in? Tripitaka the one person who always seemed to try to do good; who always saw good in others and the world#He gave up and that is what broke Wukong; he did try to help Tripitaka be hopeful still but the monk kept sinking#And finally gave up on the world#Wukong however kept it a secret I imagine; he didn't want anyone else to see how bad it had been for the monk#How much he had given up; better him than Tripitaka right?#But yeah; those are my thoughts 83
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The worst thing about my brain being an autopilot grammar nazi is that every single time I see people misuse “it’s” and “its” as well as apostrophe placements is that I don’t want to be rude and correct people... but my brain still is like UGH THIS IS THE WORST.
“It’s” and “Its” are more just my brain going weeo weeo on me when that’s a more understandable one bc “its” is literally the exception to a rule (because “it’s” actually means “it is”, so to avoid it being used for two meanings the apostrophe is removed for ownership cases), but when I see apostrophes before an S for plural wording and I know they speak English properly I’m just like. ugh. damn. bruh. please. go back to school.
Less severe cases of incorrect apostrophe use tends to be like, when people are playing Heroes and have duplicates of units and are like “my Ike’s” instead of “my Ikes”, because I think people are trying to... make it more clear that it’s referring to more than one? I think? Maybe? Or they literally just don’t realize it’s incorrect grammar, idk lol. Still can’t get past my weeo weeo autopilot brain though sadly.
LIKE. IT’S NOT ANYONE’S FAULT THAT MY BRAIN IS WEEO WEEO, IT JUST IS.
Which speaking of Heroes, FE in general seems to have its script in every single game ever coded to always use apostrophes for ownership cases even when the word ends in S, so don’t worry folks. IntSys isn’t getting off scot free from my brain either LOL. No amount of “princess’s” is ever gonna fly with my weeo weeo brain.
this has been a psa
mainly a psa of my brain weeo weeos
#DCB Comments#but the absolute worst offenders are people who overuse apostrophes and like#don't know how to write the plural of a word. today I saw someone write horse's to indicate more than one more horse#and I think the darkest depths of my soul finally cracked at the sight shjfgjhgs#this wasn't someone who speaks in broken English either or anything. they know how to speak the whole language just fine#also the other worst thing about my grammar brain is that I could absolutely get a job teaching English based on my knowledge alone#but I don't have an uwu master's degree uwu so getting teaching jobs even as freelance work is basically impossible#the world decides your worth based on how much you were willing to pay an institution for a certificate#and doesn't base you on your actual worth or knowledge so yeah that's great#can't wait until we're in an anime or video game where society's young decides that's bullshit and we're totally over it and rebel sjkfghju#also you know how you see those posts of ppl being like forget what you learned in school? yeah no don't do that with grammar#to an extent it's one thing (the really stupid ''rules'' like don't start a sentence with x word) and some of it was over the top#but there ARE actually legit reasons for some of those grammar rules; it's just that schools fail to teach them properly#I was extremely lucky to have very amazing English teachers for the most part ngl bc most schools don't teach even basic shit well#at least in my country. even in my school the stuff they taught was shit lol I just got very lucky to have great English teachers#but like for instance run on sentences are usually seen as an issue in writing because people lose their understanding of the sentence#if the sentence goes on too long with too many thoughts you'll probably forget what it was even about in the first place#if it's a WRITING style like a book or a fanfic or whatever it can make sense in some cases you just have to be thoughtful abt it!#but rly like I see people who can't even write basic English grammar who can speak it fluently and I'm like#what the fuck are these schools doing??? bc I can tell you what they're NOT doing e.e#this isn't limited to gen z btw I see ppl around my age who do this stuff with grammar too so... yikes#in fact I see people OLDER than my generation doing it too like... my own mom lmao#I'M SORRY I JUST HAD TO GET THIS OUT IT'S BEEN EATING AWAY MY EXISTENCE FOR MANY YEARS
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it can be pretty fun to read reviews of a book u hate but one of the most painful things u can do is read goodreads reviews of a book u love
#mfw when i pulled up the goodreads reviews of cloud cuckoo land... U PPL R SO FUCKING STUPID.#i almost screamed out loud when i saw someone said the book is abt nothing and the multiple POVs are weakly connected#bro i just wanted to see what ppl thought of anthony doerr's about grace‚ to see if it was worth reading#bc it was his first novel that he wrote before he got famous from all the light we cannot see#like if it was a hidden gem or he just wasn't a strong author at first and got a lot better#and i saw the relatively poor reviews and wondered if ppl were just biased against his style of writing#so i needed cloud cuckoo land reviews for comparison and yeah. big mistake
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#thinking abt my dad as often as i do pisses me off bcs i've tried to convince myself for years that i dont care abt him and he's irrelevant#to me but i just. i think of him so often. he's so present in my life without being and it makes me mad. it makes me furious#i can't do shit without thinking my dad used to take me here i can't go places i went w him without thinking i was here w my dad once i ate#this food w him once and i hate thinking of him on his birthday bcs out of the 8 years i stopped seeing him he has msged me like 3 times in#all my birthdays and i feel bad bcs i take those fucking msges as oh maybe he is trying to reconnect w me but is he really? can i take a#maximum of 3 msges a year as trying hard to reconnect with me? even tho he has been told time and time again speaking to him doesn't do me#any good?#last time i saw him was 6 years ago. is he rlly trying?#ever since i stopped going to his house i've seen him. 3 times. in 8 years. 3 times. and is he rlly trying?#and i hate craving love from him bcs i know will never get it. i will never get him to be a father to me bcs he's simply not able to be a#good father to me. other ppl yeah. he's present in other people's lives but not mine. he was a good person to everyone but me#and yet even tho i am aware of everything he put me through is not smth dads who love their kids do i still wish for him to be my father#is he even aware i'm supposed to graduate this year#i don't miss him. i don't. but i still wish he was the dad he once was#and i think what makes me sadder is the fact that he was a good dad once he was a present father once but smth happened along the way and#he chose another person above me and decided i just wasn't worth the effort of being a good parent#jo.txt
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fuck..
#i just wanted to look for one thing in my account#i made a huge mistake#i made my mood even worse..#I saw it all again#WHY ARE YOU SO.. SO.. there#You didn't want me. I wasn't wanted. I just was trying to make myself smile from what happened earlier.#that's two nights in a row.. i am worried about him so much..#I wish i was better.. as a whole.. Someone smarter.. someone who isn't me..#I've hurt and hurt and hurt even if it isn't my intention to do so..#I deserve to be in pain.. just like i was told.. I want to understand but I am lost on what to do..#Imma try to find the post that might make it all worth it..#Vent
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Every time I look at my most used tags I’m surprised my queue tag is still at the top since it’s been years since I last used it but it will finally be dethroned by hq in 5 posts yayyy
#also i'm really surprised that persona is going to surpass hq eventually#that's only around a year and half worth of posts compared to hq since 2017#i finished p5 in january of 2023 so that's when I started posting more often about it#hq is still my favorite media of all time tho it's just that my peak hq brainrot era ended a couple years ago#i've been more active with hq on twitter lately#ohhhh you know what ge/nshin impact would've been almost on top if I was using tumblr back then haha#but i wasn't using it all when I got really into the game I was solely on twitter#then that account got suspended so rip to all the pretty fanart I saw back then
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🌓 halfmoonhorror Follow
wtf i'm literally shaking and crying right now i just saw silver bullets for sale on temu why the fuck are there silver bullets on temu
🪢 knotexplosion Follow
Hey. Hey. Look at me. Do you genuinely believe Temu of all places is going to have genuine sterling silver bullets for sale? TEMU. Wish and Shein's bastard child?
🌓 halfmoonhorror Follow
they had wooden stakes on there too i'm actually fearing for my and my partner's lives right now
🦇 count-fuckula Follow
Yeah I bought some wooden stakes from Temu and they broke instantly. I wasn't even using any force to put them in my lawn as it rained quite recently. I wouldn't worry too much about any silver bullets you find. They're probably just silver plated.
🍖 roadkill-meatloaf Follow
Can confirm- Temu silver isn't real and can't hurt us. I bought a bunch of silver jewelry off there because I can't afford anything the legitimate stores are selling and when I tried them they barely even burned. Not worth it.
🍯 bearly-hanging-on Follow
Why on earth would you, a werewolf, buy silver jewelry???
🍖 roadkill-meatloaf Follow
well for me it's a sex thing.
🪢 knotexplosion Follow
Why would you voluntarily wear jewelry from Temu? Did you at least sanitize it first???
🍖 roadkill-meatloaf Follow
Uh... I licked it first. Werewolf saliva can disinfect surfaces right?
🪢 knotexplosion Follow
YOU WHAT
🦇 count-fuckula Follow
Oh my g-d just because werewolf saliva can make your wounds heal faster doesn't mean it works miracles!!!
🪢 knotexplosion Follow
Wait how would you know that?
🦇 count-fuckula Follow
@.daddy-fenris is not the brightest sometimes.
🌕 daddy-fenris Follow
oh my god IT WAS ONE TIME why do you have to put me on blast right now
🦇 count-fuckula Follow
The world needs to know. Roadkill please go see a doctor or a vet or something.
🌓 halfmoonhorror Follow
i feel like this is taking away from the real issue at paw
🪢 knotexplosion Follow
Can't you see we're having a conversation here?
🌓 halfmoonhorror Follow
IT'S MY POST???
🍖 roadkill-meatloaf Follow
Not anymore it's not
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Ok boyfriend officially broke up with me.
Fucking hurts right now, but hey, at least I can actually work on getting over him instead of having this anxiety that he's going to leave I guess.
#I don't think he ever saw the relationship as serious#And doesn't think it's worth the effort#well that's just me reading into my feelings and not what he actually said#But he wasn't putting the effort in when things were good so I didn't expect him to put it in when things got rough
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