#this was months ago and i could have recorded a more 'polished' cover but. i honestly like how homey the flaws and background noise sound

[drainbangle]

✨ happy anniversary and many thanks to octopath traveler! may the road ahead bring us joy and all the more stories to tell 🐙🗺️

[kakarorin]

Defending "The Road to El Dorado" from a couple racist claims, or how I, being so cheeky, like to call it: Covering myself in sugar in order to attract some nasty little bugs🐞

For some reason, 2024 seems to be the year when I can't tolerate "The Road to El Dorado is packed with racism" discourse anymore. A couple days ago, I stumbled across a very colourful gifset which encapsulated perfectly all the objectively wrong arguments (save for half... one... one and a half... It depends) I've ever seen people give out to explain why they don't like the movie (@/neechees: If by some unlikely chance you're reading this, I wish we could have talked about it calmly. I'm a very open-minded person, unlike you seem to be). I've seen them SO many times that I think I hit my limit. Long story short, I got defensive, which I regret, shame on me, told the op they were wrong, as they are, op responded, and I got blocked before I could respond back. I honestly don't know why they blocked me after responding. I don't know if they sensed I know much more about the Aztec Conquest than they do, but well... Occam's razor.

After I calmed down, tried to reach to them because I genuinely wanted to talk about it, and failed, I decided I was going to break their post down as minutely as I could, even if just to get it off my shoulders and toss it into the void, and polished what I told one of the people who reblogged op's post saying they were right into this lengthy post. Purely because I love debating about movies I love. And boy, do I LOVE this movie.

Before starting, I'm letting you know that, as far as I know, I'm 100% white. And I'm also from Spain (Europe. Clarifying this for the Americans), which understandably gives me the advantage of having lived (and living) through the subtle remnants of the wretched Spanish Black Legend. Yet none of these two things stopped me from looking up historical papers, podcasts and documentaries (further than YouTube's video essays, I mean) so I could understand that this sort of... slander was indeed, part of that concept. I don't see how being of a particular race or ethnicity gives you the right to speak about recorded history as objective facts without doing your research and applying your critical thinking to it, either. Does op think that just because they're Native-American, as they say (just in case, can't believe anything you read on the internet these days), a person who has spent hours, days, months educating themselves about Hernán Cortés, poor Malinche and the Aztec Conquest from serious sources can't have more knowledge than them? Smh, op, smh. It does give you right over feelings, and obviously, your own experiences, though. Hope you still understand that factual knowledge is an entirely different thing.

That being said, at the end of the day, save for the very easy-to-check historical facts (which I will provide sources for if asked, although I believe you can very easily research it yourself), this is my opinion about why "The Road to El Dorado" is regarded as much more racist than it actually is. If you want to give me yours or respond to it, please, by all means, do it. Respectfully and with clear and valid reasons, of course. Otherwise, I'll have to ignore you. Understand that what you read below is the limit of my thinking and reading. Enjoy, or hate. Call me a racist. Send a WHITE meme my way. Up to you.

I'd link you to the post, but I don't feel like it. They blocked me, after all. You can search my blog for it. It's tagged as "neechees". And be sure to read their tags on the post as well, for context. Anyway, here go their "objective truths". Debunking time starts... now:

(EDIT: This is filled with edits. See how my opinion can change and I can clarify or rectify? Anyway, stating the obvious, but I believe Spanish colonization is bad. In any part of the world. I won't give you a single good aspect of it, except for that at least it was based on a different mindset than British colonization. Maybe there are fairly good aspects. After all, they say Romans gave us Spaniards roads and sewage systems. We'd have to take a look at an alternative reality where it didn't happen to make an objective claim. But, believe me, if it had been for me, I'd have pushed Cortés off the ship a good bunch of nautical miles before he reached what is now known as Veracruz, whatever good things he ended up doing. Bear that in mind.)

1. The cultures are mashed up in one city, that is true. But there is no explicit racist (implying prejudice, discrimination or antagonism, as I understand racism, or as racism is actually defined) motive behind it. I don't think it's done out of unthoughtfulness, either. I'm pretty sure it's just done to leave the place ambiguous, because (tell you more later), with Cortés involved and what went down with him historically, that place is much more meant to be Tenochtitlán than the legendary city of El Dorado. They didn't want to make that so explicit because this is a retelling, after all (tell you more later). I honestly don't see how anyone could think that the resulting city and culture are portrayed in a negative way. Sometimes, I'm not even sure these people were paying attention when watching the movie (if they ever did). In fact, if it weren't for the title of their post, I wouldn't even understand the point in this.

2. Oh boy, this is exactly what triggered me to say something instead of just putting it on my blog silently. This is how I know the op has ZERO knowledge about the historical event behind it, because they wouldn't say this is right if they did. There is no such thing as a (EDIT:) sufficiently collective "Spanish lie that Native-American (NA) people believed they were gods" (NEVER listen to a Spaniard who claims this. EDIT: Like López de Gómara. They're delulu), this has never had any kind of historical relevance (in the outcome and influence of history, I mean), and the NA people in the movie are not worshipping the white guys because they're white. The whole plot, arriving in a city and being mistaken for a god because your arrival coincided with an ancient premonition in such a precise way that it is fascinating, is exactly what happened to Cortés when he reached the capital of the Aztec Empire, Tenochtitlán. He was believed to be the reincarnation of Quetzalcóatl, and that's why he could enter the city peacefully and live in it for a short amount of time. The concept of the movie seems to be "What if this, instead of happening to a conquistador (in which is implicit the catholic element) who quickly said he was no god when he realised what was happening (because of the sin of idolatry), happened instead to two atheist looters who are ultimately good-hearted (NOT colonizers, because they didn't try to claim the land or control it) who weren't stopped by the fear to sin and took advantage of the situation?" That's it. The premonition happened to fall on a white man hundreds of years ago (who also came from the east, same place Quetzalcóatl left to and said he'd return from) and so does in the movie story because it mirrors real history, and, again, I fail to see the negative portrayal in all of this because it's certainly NOT because they're white. I think the op also took it salty that I said they had zero knowledge about "the very people they're trying to defend", which I still believe, but this is complex and I'll only explain this if asked. What I meant by that, on the surface, is that NA people also enslaved NA people. I seriously hope op doesn't think NA slavery is more acceptable if it comes from other NA people than white people. Who knows, at this point.

3. This is essentially right. It's the only thing I think is mostly right, actually. It's no problem for me, though. I love Chel, she's beautiful and aesthetically pleasing to me. But I can understand why it may put someone off. All good. However, I still wanna say that the Aila test is just a way of assessing indigenous women representation as positive and negative, and not the work in itself as problematic if it doesn't pass it. The Lord of the Rings doesn't pass the Bechdel test and I have never seen anyone calling it problematic because of that, nor do I need positive representation (I'm a woman. Sort of. It fluctuates) on it to enjoy it. Although I figure I'd feel the same if I were NA, I can't and won't speak for one. So I still give you that.

4.1. This is wrong in three ways. First, Tzekel-kan is not "demonized as evil". He is evil. He's not evil because he's NA, he is evil because he killed, he lied, and he abused his power. There are NA people in the movie who are kind and good (everyone but him, I believe), and then there's him. In every race and ethnicity, there are good, neutral and bad people. And people who are sometimes good, and sometimes bad. If all the NA people were painted in a morally white and good way, that special treatment would come off as positive discrimination to me. Why can't he be a sociopathic genocider AND indigenous at the same time without being considered as racist? Does that mean all indigenous people have to be/are morally white? If all the other NA characters were demonized, I'd understand it, but it's the opposite. Also, Tzekel-kan is loosely based off Moctezuma, the (redundant) emperor of an Empire who enslaved other NA people. And, surprise, just like Cortés, I don't think the guy was evil. I think this is probably another reason why they didn't want to make clear the specific culture. I could see the racism if they had tried to directly compare Tzekel-kan with Moctezuma, I would perfectly be able to see the claim that Moctezuma was a sociopathic genocider, and I'd recognise that as racist. But in this case, it's just loose inspiration. Not a parody.

4.2. There was NO genocide in the Spanish NA colonies. There was NO legal slavery, save for a few unfortunate loopholes (tell you more later). (EDIT: careful, I'm NOT defending his monumental fuck-ups or justifying him in any way, just so you know. In my opinion, he was a fair lot more bad than good, but not 100% bad. If you get me) Hernán Cortés did a lot of undeniably wrong things, but he did good things too. I don't think you can say he was a good person, no person who'd say that would be a friend of mine, but I don't think he was a 100% evil person. Just a person, sometimes good and sometimes bad. Still, when he was bad, he was bad. And what op said about that they didn't care enough about him to write his name properly, BOY how that ticked me off. People, for all you hold dear, you have to CARE to know about such important historical figures in order to understand the history behind them and the outcomes of their actions. Especially within such a sensitive topic. It's when stories like this are ignored or forgotten, that history tends to repeat itself. The fact that I care to spell Hernán Cortés well has not the respectful positive connotation they think, either. And despite what you may believe, we Spaniards do NOT think he did everything right and much less that he was a hero. I think some Mexicans think we all do, but I don't know why. Only the most idiotic "fachas" (ultraright people) do.

4.3. One, he was not enslaved (tell you more later). Two, well, since he tried to mass-murder the inhabitants of the city, I... I do reckon putting him away was a good ending. Jesus, he tried to purge the city of citizens HE deemed unworthy in the name of a divine power (=on a religious basis) with the clear intention to wipe them out. It's clearly stated more than once throughout the movie. If you didn't know, by objective definition, the name of that starts with 'G' and ends with 'ENOCIDE'. And when that failed, he actively tried to drive the colonizers to them. Only because of that, he was technically much more of a genocider than the historical Cortés ever was. Are his actions really justified just because he's indigenous? Doesn't he deserve a punishment just because of it? I see "slavery" (if it were. Since enslaving NA in Spanish colonies was illegal at the time, I'd say he was kidnapped, in the strict sense of the word. Bit funny to word it like that) as a punishment more than fitting for his crimes. I think you all should drill this into your head: ANY abusive leader involved in (I can't believe I'm going to say this, but socially unacceptable) murder deserves to be punished in some way independently of his race, ethnicity or religion. This is something I believe firmly, so you have very little room to debate with me on this one. Do try, if you want.

By the way, I LOVE Tzekel-kan to death. Just the way he is. A charismatic, fanatical, sociopathic fictional high priest who tried to cleanse his city in the name of his gods through murder and human sacrifice, a practice that the other NA inhabitants very obviously did NOT enjoy (well, that definitely rings a historical bell). If you hadn't noticed, or perhaps thought it was impossible, let me tell you this: you can actually love evil characters without justifying their actions. It's legal. 100%. Unlike slavery in NA Spanish colonies at the time.

5. I don't see exactly how spirituality is portrayed as evil. More specifically, I don't see how the movie's actual magic is considered Aztec spirituality. Not a fan nor a hater of Hazbin Hotel, but I've seen one of the demon characters around Twitter using literal voodoo in a very unthoughtfully wrong way. That's a big no-no, in my opinion. And I see a clear difference with this because there is nothing in the stone jaguar magic that single-handedly resembles what Aztec religion actually was. I'm not saying this can't be done in a wrong way with indigenous NA spirituality, nor that they didn't take elements from it (they did), I just think that with all the context behind the movie, here it's just magic that serves a plot function. Aesthetic Aztec/Maya patterns appear here and there, arguably because those are the "places" where it's geographically based (and because Tzekel-kan is loosely based off Moctezuma, who was the religious spiritual leader who received the Quetzalcóatl premonition), but at the end of the day, I don't think it's much more than the fantasy you typically find in a kids' movie. No specific religion was portrayed as evil, no specific gods were portrayed as evil, the magic in itself wasn't portrayed as evil. In the movie, it was black magic because Tzekel-kan, who was evil, used it for evil. Who says that a giant stone cat can ONLY serve evil purposes? I'd use it for good, personally. Maybe transportation. Maybe architecture. Decoration. Festivities. (CW: 26-year-old making a boomer joke) Maybe to instill cordial fear among my neighbours.

EDIT: I've been thinking about this these days and I realised that in the specific stone jaguar "spell", Tzekel-kan needs to toss his poor aide into the mix for it to "activate". That is much more evil than neutral, so maybe I can kind of see this point now. And human sacrifice was part of some of these religions, after all, so maybe it does point towards Aztec spirituality. Still, as it didn't come off as evil to me until I've THOROUGHLY thought about it, I feel like questioning things. Does the "spell" need a human body, or an animal body would have served? The "recipe" doesn't state anything. It's Tzekel-kan who pushes him in. Do ALL the "spells" need a body to "activate"? Maybe not. I feel like maybe I can give you a part of this argument. But still... Hmm. I don't know. We were stuck with an evil religious high priest, but that doesn't necessarily mean ONLY he could use magic. Nor that ALL the magic was evil. But yeah, alright. I can sort of see this now... a bit.

6. I can give you this... for the most part. Knowing it mirrors history, and that historically, it was white men who rid the NA people enslaved by the Aztec Empire (which I believe is what the people of El Dorado ended up portraying, somehow oppressed by Tzekel-kan's sacrifices) of the Aztec Empire (even if woefully just to take their place), I'm not sure it's so simple. I still don't fully see it as plain white saviour narrative with that background info. In any case, I think my mind can be changed about this with the right argumentation. Surely not by a person who has no knowledge about history. Sorry, op.

7.1. For my next trick, I'll blow your mind: Cortés was no big bad evil genocider. He wasn't a golden-hearted saint or saviour either. Frankly, I believe most people think he was similar to Christopher Columbus (of whom I don't know as much, but sounds pretty 100% evil to me with what I have) by default. I'm also very certain they watched the movie and took that version of him as a faithful representation, but in reality he was very different. He was short, he was slender, he was way more charismatic, way less solemn and serious, and he had the reputation of a womanizer. He committed atrocities, like torturing and murdering the last Huey Tlatoani for rumours (Jesus, the Cholula massacre), but he also treated most indigenous people with respect (when he wasn't pathologically obsessed with gold), he talked with Moctezuma as if he were his kin, he always tried to negotiate before grabbing his arms, he listened to and followed the advice of an indigenous woman (Malinche). And once he had done the deed, his reputation was sunk, he was stripped of most of his titles and compensation for what he had done (karma? Possibly), and he had practically no say in the new territories. He went there for the gold above all, and all the crimes he committed were in its name. But unlike Miguel and Tulio (this is the reason why they're not colonizers, only looters), he ALSO wanted to seize control of the land for the Spanish Empire. As an anti-colonialist Spaniard, I can't help boiling up in anger every time I see someone call Miguel and Tulio colonizers. They are NOT coloziners, just like we are NOT colonizers. Our country was, hundreds of years ago. The people who claimed that land as theirs and believed that gave them the right to exploit it for centuries were. And believe me, if we're still here and have descended from humble families for more than 5 centuries, none of our ancestors saw a single piece of gold.

7.2. This is part of a broader topic but Cortés acted in the name of the Spanish Empire, who, thanks to Queen Isabella the Catholic and the laws she passed, considered NA people as citizens of the Crown and therefore could not be enslaved (legally), not to mention genocided. Physically genocided, I mean, because the cultural genocide is undeniable. And still, while so many parts of so many different cultures disappeared, some things like the Maya and Nahua languages were kept. Even if little, that means something. I find some comfort in that, especially when you take a look at what happened to indigenous people in British colonies. In relation to this, there's this something that's been haunting Spain since a thousand years ago that gains relevance when talking about this, called the Spanish Black Legend. Basically anti-Spain propaganda coming from other European countries demonizing everything the country had done/does. It started out of rivalry and envy. Nowadays, it's hard to say. This is why Hernán Cortés is always seen as an evil genocider, but not other colonizers like Julius Caesar from the Roman Empire. It also makes my blood curdle because it sticks with us in the most annoying ways possible. While American people tend to think Spain is part of Latin America, European people tend to think we're dumb, don't know other languages apart from Spanish and only like partying, and our collective international sentiment, especially facing other Europeans, is often shame. Ashamed to say you're from Spain, because there's only so many "España mucho fiesta and siesta" a sane person can take from people who only come to your country to raise the living costs, drink, sunbathe and throw themselves off balconies to jump in hotel pools. Look "balconing" up. God I HATE British people. In any case, to wrap this up, this Black Legend is also why everyone believes the Spanish colonization was the same as the British colonization. By norm, the British predated, but the Spanish generated (in America, because the Spanish DID enslave African people), despite all the horrible things it did. Because it did them.

Lastly, and just because it was also part of op's response, I want to say that I have no opinion about what negative impact this movie could have in terms of being a version of the Colombian legend of El Dorado. I don't know anything about that. I don't understand it, either. If someone wants to explain to me in which specific ways making a movie like this about it could be harmful to anyone (not the legend in itself, I think you can see I know as much), please tell me so I can think critically about it and contrast it. But please, specify the harm and consequences so I can understand them.

Jesus, I'm tired, but I want to say you CAN dislike the movie. I don't give two floating specks of dust whether you do or don't. What I do care about is that most arguments people use to say so are wrong, or rather, lack historical knowledge to support them. Or rather, there is historical knowledge which flat-out cancels them out. There IS negative portrayal on the basis of unthoughtfulness (like Chel and the Aila test), but NEVER in a mean way. On the whole, it's not the unsalvageable blatantly racist skeleton that has to be kept in the closet under lock and key that some people think it is. And, by the way, I'm very curious about why I have yet to see the same discourse about Inca portrayal in "The Emperor's New Groove". Feel free to toss it my way in case it exists and it's just I haven't seen it yet.

If you've reached this point, congratulations. Here's a disturbing little fact about me as a reward: this whole fixation that I have started because in 2020 I had a dream about this Hernán Cortés and Tzekel-kan having sex.

[tragiclilb]

☾ ⋆⁺₊⋆ YOUR NAME ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾

(Alex can’t get your name out of his mouth)

(Warnings: fluff, lots, horrible amounts, drinking)

(A/n: Yes I know this should have been more than a oneshot unfortunately i’m a little bitch who refuses)

(Words: 1858)

“Please I swear it will be fun!” He said pulling me into his room.

“Alex, you said that the last party. And we know how that turned out.” I said giving him a telling look.

In the past 4 months he’s had a track record of bad party experiences. He for some reason couldn’t leave a party with out making a girl mad. Each girl seemingly not only furious with him but me as well after. I just have learned to assume it’s because I’m his best mate but, it still always felt a bit odd.

We would go to a party, he would get shit faced, and 2 hours later I would have a girl storming up to me, saying I should deal with him. And I was not looking forward to spending my Friday like that this time.

“Please I’ll do anything. I just need you there.” He said giving me a pouty look. His dark, shoulder length hair falling in-front of his face. Sometimes he’s just so exhausting.

“Oh fine. But this is the last party, I swear.”

“Thank you! Well, we better get going, we’re already late.” He smiles wide and drags me to the car.

“So you sleeping over at mine?” I make sure to ask ahead of time. Knowing I’ll be driving home.

“Yeah, sounds good.” He nods pulling his jacket back in place after the buckle tossed it around. He starts the engine and rolls away driving down a few streets to the house party.

We pull up and immediately I can see it’s already packed. We walk in, the music pounding are ears. It’s some trashy pop song that came out last year. We both looked at each other and laughed a bit at the sound.

“I’ll go get us some drinks, okay?” He yells over the noise.

“Okay sounds good.” I say and he walks away to the kitchen.

I wander around for a while looking to see if I could finds anyone I know. Old friends from when we where in school always tend to show up at these things.

I search around till at the stairs I see Emma, one of my said school friends. She meets my eyes and runs down the stairs her long blonde hair swaying behind her. She was still as gorgeous as ever. She was the type of person in school who everyone was drawn to. She was insanely popular, but kind as well. It’s almost annoying.

“Hi, how have you been.” She smiles.

“Pretty good actually, I’ve been traveling around with the boys for a while. Where back in town for a break though.” I explain and she nods smirking to herself.

“You still hopelessly in love with turner?” She laughs and I fight the urge to smack my hands over her mouth.

“Shhhh, he’s somewhere around here, also we don’t talk about that. It was years ago.” I say looking around panicked. Hoping he didn’t overhear.

“Okay okay, I’m sorry, it was a sweet crush though, you where head over heels.” She giggles, just then I feel a tap on my shoulder.

“For who?” Alex asks innocently, obviously already multiple drinks in.

“No one, just an old school crush.” I say covering for myself. He looks at me with suspicious eyes. He probably noticed he was staring to long so he shakes his head looking down. The drinks obviously getting to him.

“Hey come on, let’s do shots.” He says getting out of his momentary funk grabbing my shoulders.

“Alex, I’m staying sober tonight, you know this. I have to drive you home.” I say and he sighs loudly.

“Your no fun.” He runs his hands through his hair letting go of me and walking to the counter. He takes 3 more shots and scoffs. I feel bad so I walk over to him leaning against the counter next to him. He puts his hand out for me and I grab it. He fiddles with my fingers. Picking at my nail polish which I’ll just have to re apply later.

“I’m sorry for dragging you along, I know you don’t like this stuff.” He says turning to look at me.

“It’s okay, I’m pretty sure I go anywhere you go anyways.” I say jokingly and he smiles to himself getting pink in the face. Probably the alcohol heating him up. He looks back up to my eyes.

“You…. You have really pretty eyes.” He says looking dazed. He makes it so hard to forget about my feelings. He loves to say horribly sweet things when he’s out of it. It’s another reason I didn’t want to come to the party. It hurts hearing him say things I wish he actually felt, only for him to go try and make out with random girls a few minutes later.

“Yeah yeah okay, I’m gonna go get you some water.” I say and go to the back yard looking for a cooler.

Much to my dismay the cooler happened to be In the front yards for some reason. So after 10 minutes of traveling between people and searching for it, I found it and grabbed a few waters. I’m about to walk back in the kitchen when Emma walks up to me.

“Your not gonna believe this. Alex just tried to make out with me. I mean he didn’t hide how insanely drunk he was so his oddness makes sense.” She says looking uncomfortable.

“Oh god I’m so sorry.” I apologize for my best friends behavior.

“You know, he said something weird.” She enquirers.

“Huh?”

“He asked if He could call me your name.” She says funnily.

“Are you kidding?” I say shocked.

“No I swear. I mean he seemed so upset when I walked in the kitchen. He was downing a drink and I asked if he was okay. He kept asking where you had gone.”

“He so dramatic, I told him I was getting water.”

“He was probably to out of it. But I swear he sounded like you used to in school. Him getting all gushy about you.” She laughs. “I swear he’s just as infatuated with you as you where with him. Asking to call me your name and such.” She explains and my eyes go wide. I mean that’s insane right? We’ve been best friends since children.

“Why wouldn’t he just say something to me about it then?” I ask tuning my hand across my face, stressed. I wouldn’t be lying if I said I still felt the same. Watching him over these past few years. Performing the way he does. Getting to sit on the side and watch him. The way his hair fell as he played the guitar. Or the smooth sound of his voice ringing through my ears. He’s entrancing really.

But he always seemed so out of reach when it came to my feelings. He was a star. Who had all the options he wanted. Groupies and such. Why would he want me? So I never acted.

“Well, why didn’t you?” She says giving me a knowing look. “I think you should go speak to him.” She pats my shoulder and sends me into the kitchen. I walk in and I see him hunched over the counter fiddling with an empty shot glass. I walk over taking the shot glass out of his hands, setting it down. I grab his hand and lead the pouting man through the crowd, back out to the car.

“Why are we leaving so soon?” He asks slurred.

“Sweetheart, your drunk of your ass.”

“That’s beside the point.” He rolls his eyes, a big yawn taking over a few seconds later.

He leans his head on my shoulder and without answering his question I drive back to my place. Somehow I get him upstairs into bed without him passing out.

“Darling…” he says his hair falling over his eyes as he lays down.

“Yeah.” I say in the doorway about to head to the couch.

“I wrote a song about you.” He softly grins.

“Oh yeah? Can I hear it?”

“Maybe one day.” He giggles to himself and I can tell he’s to far gone.

“Goodnight Alex.” I say closing the door and going out to the couch.

When I woke the next morning I saw Alex sitting in the chair by the couch. He was drinking something hot as I could see the steam from the cup. I sat up and rubbed my eyes yawning.

“Morning.” He says softly as I get up and walk to the counter boiling some water, and grabbing a tea bag.

“Morning.” I respond in the same soft manner.

“Could we talk about last night.” He asks as I sit back down.

“Yeah I actually wanted to speak about that.” I say and he seams nervous.

“Alex… why did Emma from school tell me you asked to call her my name, before kissing her?” I said being quite blunt with it. If I didn’t get it out now, I never would.

“I- oh god, I’m a mess when I’m drunk aren’t I?” He says trying to laugh it off.

“Alex, be honest with me here, cause I don’t understand how you can say all theses complements and being dare I say flirtatious one minute, and then going and asking to call girls my name if you don’t feel some way…. About me.” I say cautiously. If this goes wrong I’m losing my best friend.

“You’re not wrong.” He says awkwardly.

“I’m not?” I say a bit flabbergasted. But mostly relieved.

“You just… hypnotize me. I can’t explain it. I don’t even know why it took me so long to realize it to be honest.” He says tucking his hair behind his ears. His dark eyes where big, almost surprised at the fact he was saying what he was saying out loud.

“But these past few months, I keep trying to tell you, but I would say something and you’d shoot me down. I would go find some girl to take my mind off you. But it never works. Cause….. cause there not you.”

Oh.

Oh.

“I’ve loved you since I was thirteen.” I say and I don’t think I’ve ever seen his face flash into a smile so big.

“Well that’s bloody good to hear.” He says.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner, it’s just, you could chose anyone you wanted. Girls fawn over you. I just didn’t think it’d be me.” I say honestly and he gets up walking over to me.

“You daft woman.” He says scanning my face. I was confused for a second till he placed a hand to my cheek. His fingers ruff from the years of guitar. His eyes bore into mine making my knees week as he pulled me up. He placed a innocent kiss to my lips. It was almost like an apology for lost time we could of had if we where smarter. It was slow and sensual. His finger tips ended up in my hair as we pulled away.

“I’m infatuated with you.” He grins and I smile wide.

[nerevar-quote-and-star]

I Didn't Know You Were Keeping Count - Part II: Raven

ao3

masterlist

First (previous) | Next

Shout out to the fantastic @ravenmind2001 for reading over this and keeping me from going nuts.

Taglist:

@ravenmind2001 @incorrectskyrimquotes @uwuthrad @dark-brohood @owl-screeches @binaominagata @dakatmew @constantfyre @kurakumi

#######

Delphine’s face contorted into incredulous confusion. “She’s a Blade.”

“Yes,” Esbern nodded, having already gone over this with her a couple of times. He didn’t seem to mind, though. He looked happy enough to have reunited with both women away from the danger of the Thalmor.

Leara, for her part, sat in a corner, polishing the curved steel of her katana. They left Riften just over a week ago, taking the roads at night and sleeping in the brush during the day. Every day for over thirty years was a new lesson in survival, but roughing it through the wilderness was something she’d not done since her escape from Skingrad before the end of the Great War. She took the hunter’s trail through the Jeralls. Between Esbern’s compass spell, her clairvoyance anchored to Riverwood, and her Blade’s memory of her previous trip through, they made it in due time to reach the Sleeping Giant Inn by the end of the month.

Delphine was waiting for them. Just Delphine.

Leara never thought she’d be so glad to see the stubborn Knight-Sister, but the feeling was soon dismissed when Delphine could do nothing but gape after Esbern revealed Leara was once a Blade herself. Leara was simply glad that Delphine didn’t have to know about her history in the Dominion. The mission had been so secret that the only record of it that the Grandmaster ever gave the chronicler was that she was relocated from Cloud Ruler to Alinor for reconnaissance. Anything more was need-to-know and there was no one left alive who needed to know. Not anymore.

She traced the engraved glyphs on her blade with the pad of her finger, deep in thought. She nearly missed Esbern’s scrambling for one of his books as he spoke in a rushed, almost absent whisper about Alduin’s Wall and an ancient Akaviri temple.

“I know where it is,” he was saying, flipping through his notes. "Ah, yes. The entrance seems to be near to what's now known as the Karthspire. We'll have to see what we find when we arrive."

Delphine nodded, “Then let's go.”

·•★•·

They took the Falkreath road to the Reach, the cover created by the pines and mists offering more protection than the open tundra of Whiterun. Leara and Delphine shouldered the brunt of the night watches, taking turns to peer into the shroud of night beyond their little camps. Fires were kept small and low burning, just enough to cook the occasional rabbit and ward off the damp chill that sank into their bones each night. They avoided the roads. While Leara had no choice in the inevitability of showing her face in public, the threat of being hunted by the Thalmor bound the three Blades into the shadows. Eerie noises followed them through the forest, strange lights appearing and disappearing at intervals between the trees once the sun was down. Out there, bandits and highwaymen were the least of their problems. One grey morning, before rousing Delphine and Esbern, Leara spied a High Elf in scout’s armor watching from the edge of a cliff. Even after she woke Delphine and told her, it was hours before they could leave, waiting for the scout to leave the area.

Their arrival in the Karth River Canyon wasn’t the end of their trouble. Leara found herself toe to claw with a half-woman, half-bird monster in a magic duel that only ended when the Dragonborn drew her katana across the creature’s feathery chest and sent her squawking into the river with a Fus Ro! It echoed through the valley, subduing all other sounds.

One of the remaining Forsworn stared at her from across a bridge, crude sword half raised and face full of terror. It twisted into hatred. “She-Bear!”

Then all the remaining Forsworn converged on Leara.

By the time the Forsworn were dead and Delphine and Esbern hauled her into the cave system at the heart of the camp, Leara was winded. Her lungs felt stripped, and her hands were freezing. She stumbled her way through the various traps and riddles set up by the ancient Blades to guard their temple. Her knees finally buckled when they reached the blood seal. It was a while before she could stand and attempt to open the barrier. The head of Reman Cyrodiil watched her as she hobbled to her feet and cut a gash across her palm with the heel of her katana. Her eyes met those of the statue’s, crystal on stone. It felt as if he was assessing her.

Nothing happened for several long moments as her blood dripped down to coat the seal. From the corner of her eye, she saw Esbern begin to deflate back into the hopeless state she found him in. Her hands on her hips, Delphine rolled her eyes and scoffed before pacing away. And then, below Leara, the seal pulsed golden. Fires around the room burst to life as if lit by an invisible hand. The statue of Reman Cyrodiil bowed and moved away, disappearing into the ceiling to reveal a broad winding stair.

This was Sky Haven Temple.

After that, everything seemed to click into place. They found the temple, and inside, in a place of eminence, they found Alduin’s Wall. Collapsing into a chair older than the Third Empire, Leara almost fell asleep while Esbern studied the temple’s architecture. Delphine’s hurried voice faded in and out, telling the old loremaster to focus, as Leara fought against sleep. Her bones still ached from the weight of the Forsworn piling on her. There was a pinch in her side from an awkward dent in her armor. She’d need to have it beaten out once she made it back to Whiterun. After she got some money.

Torch in hand, Esbern examined Alduin’s Wall, exclaiming over its preservation. As he read the wall, Leara lulled into a light doze. She watched a black dragon rise from behind the wall and swoop around the cavernous hall, shouting “She’s mine! She’s mine!” as Delphine and Esbern ran around like headless chickens.

“Hey, Leara.” Leara startled awake. Delphine was staring at her expectantly. Esbern was still studying the relief, but from Delphine’s frown, they were no closer to finding the answer to defeating Alduin than they were when they left Riverwood. Delphine pursed her lips, disgruntled. “Have you ever heard of such a thing? A Shout that can knock a dragon out of the sky?”

A Shout that could knock a dragon out of the sky–? Her mind raced back over everything she’d learned about dragons since defeating the first one outside of Whiterun back at the end of winter. She knew precious little about Shouting, most of what she’d learned coming from the Greybeards during her brief time in High Hrothgar. If anyone knew about such a thing, it’d be the Greybeards. She told Delphine.

The younger Blade sighed in resignation. “You're probably right. I was hoping to avoid having to involve them in this, but it seems we have no choice.”

Haunching forward with her elbows on her knees, Leara pinched her nose. Don’t ask, she told herself. Do not ask—

“Delphine, it’s obvious you have an issue with the Greybeards. What have they done to make you resent them so much?” To be honest, Leara got the impression that there wasn’t a lot that Delphine didn’t resent. Not without just cause, but there comes a point when it all becomes too much.

“Honestly, I’m surprised you don’t resent them yourself,” said Delphine. At the Dragonborn’s look of shock, she elaborated, “If they had their way, you'd do nothing but sit up on their mountain with them and talk to the sky, or whatever it is they do! The Greybeards are so afraid of power that they won't use it. Think about it. Have they tried to stop the civil war, or done anything about Alduin? No. And they're afraid of you, of your power. Trust me, there's no need to be afraid. Think of Tiber Septim. Do you think he'd have founded the Empire if he'd listened to the Greybeards?"

Leara stared at her as if she’d suddenly grown horns and started ramming her head into the wall like a dumb goat. Is that what she thought of the Greybeards’ philosophy? A responsibility to use power wisely and respect the natural balance of the world was reduced to petty isolationism and fear. She could almost see the little Breton, head too small for the Blade’s helmet she wore like a crown, begging the Grandmaster to deploy her to Summerset. Heedless of the danger and finesse involved in such a mission. The woman in front of her had grown into the skin of one used to hiding, but still lacked the insight and tact necessary to find a path back into the sun. Distrust made Delphine bitter, and Leara pitied her.

She was too tired for this. “The Greybeards,” Leara began, tone diplomatic, “teach balance and restraint. Too much or too little will over-tip the scales and upend the natural order of things. It’s not that they fear power, they respect it.” She refrained from pointing out that Tiber Septim’s founding of the Third Empire was born from his unquenchable greed.

Delphine scowled. “For a former Blade, you sound rather comfortable with their way of doing things.”

“I wasn’t aware there was a rivalry,” Leara sniffed, choosing to ignore the ‘former’ Blade comment.

“There’s not – look. There's always a choice, and there's always a risk.” Delphine gave her a pointed look. “But if you live in fear of what might go wrong, you'll end up doing nothing. Like the Greybeards up on their mountain.”

“Are you worried I’ll run?”

Delphine was quiet, Leara met her gaze across the short distance. Everything about the Breton was pale, from her platinum hair to the grey-blue of her eyes, but at that moment, in the torchlight, she was a phantom from the past. The fire reflected in her eyes was an accusation. Traitor, they screamed as the fires consumed the tower and the lake shone and burned. Traitor. Traitor.

Leara blinked, and the spell was broken. Delphine’s eyes were her own again, no longer a ghost’s.

“Just don't let them turn you away from your destiny,” she was saying. “You're Dragonborn, and you're the only one who can stop Alduin. You should remember that better than anyone.”

“Right,” Leara said. She got to her feet, casting a weak magelight overhead as she passed Delphine. “I’m going to rest. I’ll set out for High Hrothgar in the morning.” She needed some time alone.

·•★•·

A tempus spell told her it was after the fourth watch when she woke. One of the others must have built a fire after she’d gone to sleep, its coals still glowing with dying warmth. She pulled her blanket tighter around her shoulders, shuddering. The old temple was drafty. She fancied she could almost hear the wind, howling like a pack of wolves up the mountainside and over the peak. Again, she regretted leaving Karnwyr in the sewer. Leara allowed herself a moment to think about the wolf before getting up. The sun was already up, but if she started off soon, she could beat the dusk out of the worst of the Reach’s mountains. Then straight to Whiterun.

She stirred the coals, adding a few more sticks brought from the Forsworn camp down on the river. Across the makeshift hearth, Delphine rolled over, hair lashing across her pallet in a tight braid. Leara sighed and began to pack her things.

Once dressed, she stopped to look over Alduin’s Wall. The white of her magelight cast it in stark relief, harsh and bold compared to the eerie shadows set to play across the carvings by the torches.

“Delphine said you were setting off for High Hrothgar.”

“Yes,” she nodded, not surprised to find Esbern off to the side, already working despite the hour.

“She found this while exploring last night. She thought you would find it useful.” As Esbern approached, she saw in his hands an ancient katana, sheathed in black. She could feel the electricity curling off it. Electricity and something else that set her teeth on edge. “From what I can uncover, this katana is particularly useful against dragons.” He offered it to her.

“Is it?” she said, not taking it.

“Yes,” Esbern eyed her. “I couldn’t help but notice that the katana you carry isn’t the one you carried before the war.”

“You want to know where I got it,” Leara stated, understanding. He was curious, and he had a right to be. Delphine carried a katana, but it was the same one she carried before everything went to Oblivion. It was rare for a Blade to take the sword of another except under special circumstances, and even then, those were usually temporary. Leara looked down, pulling her katana slowly from its sheath. “It was given to me.”

Esbern peered at the bare blade under the steady magelight. “These are Altmeris,” he said in surprise, a frown creasing his lined face. “Did you acquire this in Summerset?”

“No, High Rock.” Leara shifted from one foot to the other, for once giving into the impulse. She sheathed her katana. “I should be going. Thank you for showing me that katana, but I think it will be more useful for you two to have it on hand in case a dragon attacks.”

“Of course, of course.” And Esbern returned to where his books and papers lay strewn out on the old stone table dominating the center of the room.

Leara was at the top of the stairs that led back into the caves before stopping. Bracing a hand on the archway, she called softly back to Esbern, just loud enough to catch his attention without disturbing Delphine. “Esbern?”

“Hm?”

Hesitating, Leara swallowed. “My katana, it belonged to my great-grandmother. She was a Knight-Sister during the Oblivion Crisis.”

There was a scrape and thud from Esbern’s chair as he rose from the table. “Your great-grandmother–?”

But Leara was gone.

·•★•·

She snuck by every Forsworn hunting party and Imperial patrol while trying to keep in sight of the road as she followed the Karth back to its headwaters in the mountains. It was late at night when she spied a village situated high on a rocky embankment on the river’s north shore. Hoping for an inn with an innkeeper that didn’t ask too many questions, Leara climbed the path into the village. As far as an inn was concerned, she was in luck.

A little bell chimed, and she was hit with the comforting glow of a hearth and the smell of fresh bread. The common room was well-lit and homey, with several tables scattered around the large central hearth. Old Nordic and Colovian style weapons hung high on the walls in places of honor. She focused on a polished pair of Nordic axes in a prominent place behind the bar as she approached.

“Ah, a visitor. Old Hroldan Inn has hundreds of years of history, friend,” the woman behind the bar, a blond Nord with tired eyes, said by way of greeting. “The name’s Eydis. You'll be looking to rent Tiber Septim's room, I take it?”

“Pardon?”

Eydis smiled at her, “In the Second Era, Tiber Septim himself led the army that conquered Old Hroldan from the barbarians of the Reach. Septim would later found the Empire that united Tamriel, but his first known battle and victory was right here. And this inn has the very bed the great general slept in on his first night as Old Hroldan's liberator. As good as it was hundreds of years ago."

Oh yes, the Battle of Old Hroldan. Studying keynotes on the Tiber Wars was one of the lessons given to many young knights during their Blades training. The Battle of Old Hroldan was the first victory in a campaign that led to the taking of the Western Reach. “His room’s for rent?”

“That’s right, for ten septims, it’s yours for the night.”

Leara reached for her belt, and then into her satchel, and then she padded down her armor, even though silver plate didn’t have pockets. Eydis eyed her the whole time, a crease deepening in her brow.

“I’m sorry, I thought I—” Leara coughed, flushing with embarrassment.

“If you don’t have the coin, I’m afraid I can’t board you,” Eydis said, not unkindly, but Leara could tell the woman was tired. Divines knew Leara was tired.

“Maybe I can—”

“This will cover her board for the night, and mine.”

A chill clawed its way up her spine. An arm bound in dark leather appeared in front of her, depositing a small pouch on the counter, even as she felt another wrap around her, almost completely encircling her waist. Eydis eyed her over the counter, weary eyes darting between Leara and the man looming by her shoulder.

“This one with you?” she asked, skeptical.

“Well . . .”

“Oh yeah, I’ve been looking for her for days on the road. You know how dangerous the Reach is. Thought I’d never find her for all the damn Forsworn scuttling around.” Bishop’s words were like honey in the innkeeper’s teapot: dripped just right in the bottom. He poured the water: “I’m glad I found her. I was starting to worry she’d been carried off or something.”

Eydis nodded along, thumbing through the coins in the pouch. “Right, of course. This is the right amount. Have a good rest. She looks like she needs it,” she added, thrusting her thumb in Leara’s direction. “It's the big room with the double bed.”

“Thanks,” Bishop called over his shoulder, pulling a stunned Leara along to an open door. Beyond it, Leara could make out a large bed covered in furs. The bed Talos himself slept in while still mortal. She didn’t expect to sleep a wink.

Bishop closed the door behind them. Leara sat heavily on the bed and glanced around, searching. “Where’s Karnwyr?”

“Outside.”

“Oh.”

“You left me.” Slowly, Leara lifted her head to meet Bishop’s burning eyes across the room. Even that was too close. “You left us fighting for our lives in that blasted skeever trap!” His voice was low, probably so he wouldn’t alert Eydis at the bar, but the quieter pitch was more menacing than a proper yell. Dragons Shouted like thunder. Bishop hissed like lightning. “Against the damn Thalmor! What the Hell, woman? What did you do to have the Aldmeri Dominion hunting you down?”

“I’m the Dragonborn,” she stated, focusing on the wall. There was an old tapestry depicting an artist’s rendition of Tiber Septim Shouting apart the Old Hroldan gates. It reminded her of a mosaic she saw in Bruma years before the war, before the Chapel of Talos was rededicated to Martin Septim, sainted by the Imperial church. It was gone when she went back, replaced by golden stained glass depicting the defeat of Dagon in the Oblivion Crisis. She squeezed her eyes shut.

“Yeah, I got that. You’re not exactly subtle, sweetness.” Bishop laughed, but the sound held no amusement. Not any she could understand, anyway.

“So sorry I don’t rise to your expectations.”

“Didn���t have high ones of the Dragonborn to start with.” She stared at him, stunned. “I always thought it was a good story, something to tell around the fire, but a relic of the past, just like the dragons. As far as I was concerned, the only people who could shout were those Greybeards up on the Throat of the World, leeching from the pockets of gullible people. Them and Ulfric Stormcloak.” He said the name with a faux reverence worthy of the Thalmor. “The best thing he ever did was Shout apart the Forsworn.” He began to pace, agitated. He reminded her of a predator.

“Until me,” Leara sighed.

“Until you. And now the Thalmor are hunting you. Word is they’ve got a price out on your head. Not a public one, but the word’s moving through the crime world, ladyship. Some pretty nasty bastards are already on your trail.” He stopped in front of her, and suddenly he dominated her field of vision. Leara didn’t move as he stepped closer to her. “What happened to your armor?”

“My armor?”

“The dent in your left side, above your kidney,” Bishop pointed. “And on that subject, the bruise over your eye and the cut on your lip. Who attacked you?”

She swallowed. “Forsworn.”

Bishop cursed and returned to his pacing. “I don’t think you quite understand the danger you’re in, Dragonborn or not!”

“I can take care of myself, thank you,” she said, straightening up. She’d done so since before this man was born. She would do so after he was dead

“That’s just it, you don’t have to now!” Bishop shook his head, growling. He was like a caged animal. “I can protect you! I protected you from the Thalmor in the Ratway! They’re dead now because of me.”

“Am I supposed to be thankful that you saved your life and it just so happened to benefit me and my goals at the time?”

He scowled at her. “I’ve risked my life for you numerous times in the last month when nobody else gave a damn about you! And that’s the thank you I get?”

She didn’t speak. The bottom left corner of the tapestry was frayed, like it’d been caught on something and pulled. Part of its picture was warped and faded out from the damage. She felt like the tapestry: whole for the most part with her mind and magic intact, but she’d been yanked around, and now her edges were frayed, raw from wear, and part of her was missing, an important part that she didn’t know she had before it was gone. The tapestry could be restored, but her? Leara wasn’t so sure.

Why was she even there?

Bishop cut off midtirade when Leara pulled off her boats and laid down on top of the furs, hands folded on her stomach as she stared at the ceiling. “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to sleep,” Leara said, the familiar discomfort of lying down in armor settling through her body. Her right hip ached. She ignored it. She was ignoring a lot of things lately, but that was okay. It kept her focused on her primary objective. “I am going to bed and am no longer continuing this discussion. If you wish to stay, grab a blanket and sleep in that chair. If you wish to keep talking, go outside and talk to the moons. They might have time for your whining.”

“Whining?” squawked Bishop. He sounded like that – hagraven? – when she Shouted it apart at the Karthspire. “Now listen, sweetie, I don’t—”

“Shut up.”

Spluttering. That’s how the hagraven sounded when it was drowning in blood and water. “What did you just—”

“You don’t shut up,” she said, then rolled over.

Leara ignored Bishop for the rest of the night.

·•★•·

A scream broke the still air of the pre-dawn.

Leara was yanking her boots back on as she hobbled into the common room, a yawning and stretching Bishop strolling leisurely behind her. He seemed unbothered by the scream but determined to follow Leara wherever she went, to ‘protect’ her, as he so elegantly put it the night before.

Eydis stood beside the bar, the remains of a juniper berry pie dumped on her feet and splattered across her skirt and the flagstones. The woman was as white as a sheet, eyes blown wide in terror.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Leara asked, rushing to Eydis’ side.

The woman pointed.

“Holy . . .” Bishop trailed off.

At the far table, under a nasty looking battleax black with age, was a hazy figure. Seated at the table, it seemed engrossed in the empty space before it, as if seeing something that wasn’t visible to anyone else. It moved its arms, as it would if it were eating; in their wake was a pale smoke trail of luminous blue.

A ghost.

Eydis grabbed her arm, grip fierce even through the hard silver plate and chainmail. “Do you think the ghost is one of . . . Tiber Septim's dead men?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Bishop rolled his eyes. “That’s not a ghost! It’s some Forsworn black magic, and if it were a ghost, what makes you think it’s one of Tiber Septim’s men?”

Eydis glared at him, an intimidating sight despite her disheveled hair and juniper-stained clothes. “He's from the battle, I just know it! He's one of Tiber Septim's soldiers . . . back from the dead!”

Bishop’s laugh was loud and mocking. It didn’t seem to faze Eydis, much less the ghost. “That is such bull – what are you doing, woman?”

Leara sat down on the bench across from the ghostly figure. An impression of curved horns blurred in and out of focus, reminiscent of the ancient Nordic helmets she’d seen in Bleak Falls and Ustengrav. The ghost didn’t seem to be a malevolent spirit, but a lost soul. He was a warrior, and either through time or space or both, he was a long way from home.

“Hello, are you lost?”

Bishop’s “Are you serious?” faded into the background as the spirit lifted its head, alert. The embers of its eyes bore into Leara’s, arresting her movements. A chill shuddered through her, and she got a distinct impression that the ghost wasn’t seeing her, but seeing through her.

“I've been waiting for you. Hjalti.”

Hjalti struck a chord within Leara, though she couldn’t quite place it. She was sure she’d heard the name before, but . . . “Who is Hjalti?”

“You promised me, Hjalti,” the ghost said, lifting a faded hand toward her. Despite herself, Leara leaned closer. The ghost’s hand was so close, there but not; she fancied she could almost feel it on her skin, cold and warm all at once. “You promised that when we sacked Hroldan, you would make me your sworn brother.” The hand clenched, light darkening s a dying fire. “And I've waited. Even after the enemies' arrows dug into my chest and their hammers crushed my bones. I've waited. Give me your sword, Hjalti. That we may become brothers as you promised.”

Love and longing and expectation borne over centuries filled the ghost’s voice. The pieces clicked in Leara’s memory, and she knew who this was. He was one of General Talos’ men.

“What are you doing?” Bishop hissed from behind her.

She waved him off, “If you hadn’t noticed, I’m talking to someone.”

“Yeah, a fricking ghost!”

“He needs my help,” she said.

Bishop plopped onto the bench next to her. “A ghost needs your help, and so does every other Daedra-blasted sucker in Skyrim! That does not mean you should go out of your way to help every idiot that crosses your path, asking you to retrieve their hat from a cave full of vampires!”

“I’m not retrieving a hat,” she spat. She turned back to the lost warrior. “I’ll retrieve your sword.”

“I long to taste battle again,” the ghost sighed into a moan that shot ice and fire through Leara’s blood. Bishop didn’t seem fazed. “I’ll be waiting, Hjalti.”

“Of course.” Leara got to her feet with a nod and returned to the bar, Bishop cursing under his breath in her wake. She didn’t know where to start in hunting down this sword, but she had a feeling she knew who might.

Eydis stood behind the counter, hands clenched bone-white in the folds of her apron. Her eyes lit with an intrigued sort of fear as Leara approached, curious and frightened all at once. “Is it really one of Tiber Septim’s men?” she asked.

“Yes,” Leara nodded. “It seems he died in the battle with the Reachmen. He’s restless, waiting for Tiber Septim’s return. Has he never shown up before?”

Eydis twisted her apron in her hands, deep in thought. “I've heard stories that Old Hroldan was haunted, but no one’s seen a ghost here since the Great War. I haven’t, and I’ve never heard of any ghosts from the Battle of Old Hroldan showing up, either.” Eydis’ eyes trailed over Leara’s shoulder, and she turned to see the ghost milling about at the end of the hearth, warming his hands. It was an act of memory more than need. “I wonder why he’s here now?”

Leara watched the spirit. He’d called her Hjalti. Hjalti was Tiber Septim before the Nords called him Talos Stormcrown – if one believed the account in The Arcturian Heresy. Parts of Tiber Septim’s history were missing or altered, every young Blade knew that from their studies, and so all accounts were to be addressed and evaluated for historicity’s sake. But a decade in the Aldmeri Dominion and years in hiding after didn’t do her memory any favors. This ghost was one of General Talos’ men, and believed she was Hjalti, who she was pretty sure was General Talos. But why? Was it because they were both Dragonborn? Lost spirits often sought out the familiar in their wandering, looking for rest. That must be why the ghost appeared now: it felt the return of a dragon soul and came looking for help, thinking that General Talos – or Hjalti at the time – had come back for him, but all it found was her instead.

It was tragic.

“He claims Tiber Septim promised him his sword before the battle,” Leara explained, “But he was killed before he could give it to him. Do you know anything about Tiber Septim having a sword?” She pointed up at the weapons mounted along the walls. “Could it be one of these?”

“You can’t seriously believe these are from an actual battle!” Bishop said.

“They are! – well, except those axes. They belonged to my grandfather,” Eydis pointed above the bar, “But none of these belonged to Tiber Septim. Although I remember a legend that Tiber Septim had attacked one of the enemy camps before he came to Old Hroldan. It could be there.”

“Do you know which one he attacked?” Leara asked.

“Oh yeah. Do you have a map?

·•★•·

They approached the redoubt from the northeast. It was situated in the crevice of a valley, tall spires of Old Nordic architecture jutting out of the Karth’s headwaters as they flowed down from the Druadach Mountains. High on the steps, the animal skin tents of the Forsworn were visible, shielding many of the Forsworn from Bishop’s bow and Leara’s ice shards. They stood behind an outcropping of rock, watching the camp in silence. Beside Leara, Karnwyr stood, hair bristled and ears pointed forward. He’d been quite happy to see her once she emerged from the Old Hroldan Inn with a sulking Bishop and marked map, but now the wolf was all business.

“The best thing to do,” Leara whispered, careful despite the roar of the waterfalls, “is to sneak through and take out targets individually.”

Bishop’s grin was wolfish. “You want to pick them off one by one.”

Leara nodded. From what Eydis told her, Lost Valley Redoubt was once a center of deep spirituality for the men of the Western Reach, but was weakened during Tiber Septim’s campaign through the region. Legend said there were dark caverns full of black magic secrets hidden under the old barrow, but if they existed, they were destroyed or blocked off long before Tiber Septim and his army arrived to rout the remainder of the Reachmen. Now it was barely an encampment, but even so, Leara knew not to underestimate the Forsworn.

Bishop’s part in the plan was simple: snipe the Forsworn from the rocks while she snuck into the camp. Everything was okay until the man set off a tripwire and brought a giant mammoth skull swinging out of nowhere to fall on his head. The Forsworn began to gather in groups, looking for the enemy, and Leara was forced to duck into a tent for cover.

There was an alchemy station dusted with crumpled flower petals and drying mosses. A row of neat little potion bottles sat off to the side, though Leara was certain they weren’t quite as benign as they appeared. She pulled her nightgown from her satchel and, folding the bottles inside it, nestled them in the side of her bag. Perhaps the alchemist in Whiterun would buy them off her. Further perusal uncovered a few pouches of fire and frost salts.

There was a shriek outside and the explosive shockwave of a fireball. The Forsworn had a mage, or a shaman, or something. Leara prayed to Akatosh that there wasn’t another hagraven. Knowing her luck, though, there were probably two. And they probably had the sword, too.

Peeking out of the tent, she spied Bishop in the midst of a Forsworn pileup that made her ribs ache from the memory of the fight at the Karthspire. She turned to continue up through the summit. Then stopped.

Back at the inn, Bishop had been quite vehement in reminding her that he’d saved her from the Thalmor in Riften, and though she still didn’t think she needed his protection – she was a Blade, first and foremost, never mind being the Dragonborn with a power like the Voice – she owed him one. Plus, he was right. She didn’t have a lot of friends in Skyrim, and she needed an alley.

Katana in hand, Leara looked around for an idea of what to do. Marching forward would put her back where she’d been when the Forsworn attacked her at the Karthspire. After she Shouted.

Muffle cast and katana raised, Leara snuck around the rear of the tent and along the perimeter, back to where Bishop was playing chase with at least half the camp. The shaman stood back, glee twisting her already hawkish face into a dark point. Leara slipped up behind her, her Illusion spell failing as she slipped her katana into the shaman’s ribs.

The choking gurgle alerted several of the other Forsworn to her plight. By the time they reached her side, there was blood smeared around her mouth and down her side, with no sign of the assailant.

“Where is it? Where is it?” one of them shouted in anger.

“Is it a spirit?” one of the smaller girls asked.

“Don’t speak so! The spirits wouldn’t have done this to Aoife,” snapped another.

Then the shaman’s body exploded, and the air was filled with screaming.

On the next flight of stairs, a dead Reachmen at his feet, Bishop watched as an unholy fire consumed the main encampment, an unnerved fascination dancing across his face in the firelight.

From the shadows, Leara appeared beside him, Karnwyr at her heels.

“What in Oblivion . . .”

“You’re welcome,” Leara said to his dumbfounded expression. “You’re lucky I found fire salts, or they would have used you for some kind of ritualistic sacrifice.”

“Fire salts . . .?”

“Yes, do keep up. We still have to find that sword.”

·•★•·

There were two hagravens at the summit. And there was a ritual, too. It looked like they were trying to resurrect a dead man in elk hide and antlers by inserting a glowing green seed into his chest in place of the dead heart. There was something else there too, humming in the air and singing the song of the winds in her ear. She was beginning to recognize the song of the Word Walls when she came across them. Power, it sang, calling to her. Power, power, power. Not yet, she told it, looking around. She needed to take care of the hagravens first. One was bad enough, but two?

Karnwyr brushed her hand, and she followed the direction of his nose. A boulder sat precariously above the archway that led into the ritual site, held in place by a small pile of stones piled on a thin board.

Bishop hissed, “What do you think you’re doing?” as she scaled up the rock face to the ledge above the boulder. Slipping behind it, she lined herself up so the hagraven to the left of the alter was directly below and on the otherwise of the boulder.

“Fus Ro!”

Shrieking, smoke, and then a sickening crack as the boulder hit home, spraying dust and dead greenery across the clearing. The beak of the second hagraven was open in a soundless screech as her beady eyes focused at the stone where her sister had been, before darting with fiery rage to Leara as she slipped down.

“Hello,” Leara gave the bird monster a little wave.

“She-Bear! Defiler!”

“You’re an idiot,” Bishop moaned in the background.

Leara only smiled, sharp and inviting all at once as she drew her katana and charged the hagraven. The bird woman threw her hand out, and then Leara’s path was blocked as the Forsworn zombie clamored to his feet.

In his hands was the sword of General Talos!

Akaviri and Nordic steel rang out against each other, echoing off the stones only for the sound to be lost in the crashing boom of the waterfalls. Blades locked, Leara assessed her opponent: what this undead Reachman lacked in finesse, he made up for with sheer muscle, broad shoulders and thick arms bearing down on her slender frame. She wasn’t going to win this through a show of strength. She feinted, and he lurched forward, with enough momentum to swing his sword toward her neck. The sword struck the altar, steel skidding across stone in a bone-quivering wail.

Leara slipped across the ground, out from between the Forsworn and the altar. She lifted her katana.

A howling shadow swept overhead. Leara watched from the ground as Karnwyr’s front paws struck the undead Forsworn in the chest, toppling him backward. While the revenant – he wasn’t gross enough to be a zombie – tried to shake off the ravenous wolf, Leara turned to engage the hagraven. Ice coated her hand, and she hurtled spear after spear at the creature, frost meeting flame.

Steam curled through the ritual site, blooming and hissing from the collision of elements. Leara danced closer to the hagraven, mindful of her fare as she raised a frost cloak to ward off the worst of the assault. Her katana spun through the mist, gleaming with ice crystals. She struck at the hagraven.

A staff countered the strike, and her katana bounced back from the twisted wood. Letting her momentum spin her past the hagraven, she struck at the creature’s back. The staff again!

When she visited High Hrothgar, Master Arngeir mentioned a Shout that could disarm with a single Word. If only she knew it! All she knew were fragments of Unrelenting Force, Whirlwind Sprint, and—

Ah.

In a wash of fire, the hagraven swung the staff toward Leara—

“Feim!”

–and it went straight through her. Unbalanced, the hagraven went through the ethereal apparition and into the ground. Leara resolidified in the world with a single stroke to the hagraven’s thin neck.

Heart pounding against her ribs, Leara turned to find Karnwyr tearing into the fallen revenant’s chest, the glowing green seed lightless and cracked. A black arrow stuck at an angle from the dead man’s shoulder, but it was clear Karnwyr’s teeth did most of the work. Leara stooped and retrieved the sword of General Talos from where it had fallen.

It felt heavy in her hand, but not from its weight or the legacy it carried. A sense of purpose filled her, the hilt warm in her hand. This was the sword of Talos Stormcrown, and she held it in her hand.

She gave it a few practice swings as Bishop slunk up to her side.

He whistled. “Is that it, then? The sword of the almighty Talos, or whatever?”

“Yes.”

“It looks like any other old hunk of metal stuck into a crap hilt.” At Leara’s glare, he blanched. “What?”

“Oh, nothing! Only that you reduce a historical artifact to trash,” she sneered, the pale gold of her complexion hardening into marble.

Bishop laughed at her. “I really do question your intelligence sometimes, darling. I wouldn’t put my faith into any god, especially one that used to be a red-blooded man like me.”

“There are no men like you.” And she left him standing there, smirking as if she’d given him some sort of compliment. Approaching the Word Wall, her eyes traced the draconic glyph. She couldn’t understand them literally, but as she read, the song of the Words drew her to one word, Zii. Spirit. It was the second Word in her ethereal Shout. Her soul soared with her new understanding,

Bishop came up behind her. “Can we take this sword back to her ghost friend or are you just going to stand here all day and stare at the old stone?”

She deflated. “Yeah, let’s go.”

·•★•·

“Is that the lady who went to get Tiber Septim’s sword, Mama?” a boy seated at the bar whispered as Leara slipped into the barroom.

“Yes, Skuli, now shh,” Eydis said, reaching over the counter to stroke the boy’s hair.

Leara’s gaze zeroed in on the ghost, piddling at the spit where a roast was searing. He seemed uninterested in the roast, however; he was making stirring motions as if preparing dinner in an invisible pot.

Coming to his side, Leara drew the old sword. Like a moth to flame, the ghost turned, focus wavering between the Dragonborn and the promised sword. “I have Hjalti’s sword,” she said. With both hands on the sword, she offered it up, head bowed in respect.

The ghost reached for it. When his hand met the notched steel, an image of two young men locked in a sword fight flittered through her mind. The darker of the two swept the legs from under the taller blond. He went down with a grunt. When the dark one reached down to help up his friend, the blond dragged him to the ground, pulling him into a wrestling match that ended with both youths laughing.

The ghost gave her a wan smile, and she saw the laughing blond in the curve of his face. “It's been an honor to serve you, brother.”

Leara swallowed. “Likewise, brother.”

The weight of Hjalti Early-Beard’s sword vanished from her hand as the ghost evaporated from before her, at peace at last.

“Are we down now?”

Leara held back a sigh. Squeezing her eyes shut, she blinked back the ghost’s memory and turned to the room at large. Eydis and her son were still at the bar, wide-eyed in the wake of the ghost’s disappearance. But Bishop’s pale stare burned into her, expectant.

“We leave for Whiterun,” she said, gliding back to the door and the long road ahead.

[pathologic-the-musical]

new song! I wrote the lyrics ages ago and then did nothing with them for months lol. the next song I post will probably be the one that comes next chronologically in the musical, The Plague; I just have to finish the lyrics for that one before I can record/post it. Anyway, enjoy!

This is a duet with Artemy and Daniil, leading up to the discovery of the plague. The imagined staging has half the stage set up to be the Abbatoir and half to be Isidor's house. There are some longer bits of just instrumental in this song where dialogue would be in an actual production; I included the dialogue parts as well in the text below, although they're subject to change if I ever make more polished recordings.

Lyrics/stage directions/dialogue below the cut:  

[The left half of the stage is the Burakh house, the right is the Abattoir. BACHELOR is exploring the late ISIDOR BURAKH’s house, and ARTEMY is suffering the effects of the poison from ELDER OYUN.]

DANIIL:

This house is falling apart at the seams

darkened and musty and cold,

and cloying like a weeks-old disease.

ARTEMY:

Wandering through a haze of fatigue,

I look around and sigh and try to breathe

and try to trust I haven’t been deceived.

[simultaneous to Daniil's lines] It’s true;

I’m a fool when I want to be, I

put my trust in a madman, then pay the price;

I know, in my heart, he’ll betray me, but

there’s no one else left; I’ve no choice-

I’ve no choice but to take his advice.

DANIIL, simultaneously:

But, look!

The rats are bolder than they should be, and

blood clings like sea foam to the floor, and

who was it that made this man their enemy, and

what were they looking for?

DANIIL, overlapping:

Isidor Burakh… a stranger.

What was his story about?

Did he search for something?

Something that lives in this house?

ARTEMY, overlapping:

Isidor Burakh… my father.

You cannot protect me now.

If only I’d never left Gorkhon,

if only I’d never left my father’s house.

DANIIL:

What killed you, old man?

Why did you leave before I met you?

Before you could show me the way

To another life

An unending life?

[music softens to background, retains steady, low, discordant beats, drums. ARTEMY falls to the ground, OYUN standing above him. Lights go dim on ARTEMY’s side of the stage, lights on DANIIL brighten slightly and reveal a woman hunched over in pain in the corner. Dialogue spoken.]

WOMAN(spoken):

Oh, Doctor! Doctor!

DANIIL:

Who’s there - a thief? 

WOMAN:

Help me! Please, god, have mercy! Have pity, it burns!

DANIIL:

What, are you hurt? Let me see.

[DANIIL approaches the woman and starts to bend down and reach for her. At that moment, she turns, revealing her face, which is covered in boils (?or something else immediately indicating plague). DANIIL jerks back in horror.]

DANIIL (spoken):

My god! What is this?!

[Lights flicker from one side of the stage to the other. The woman starts to stand, and DANIIL balks. Then, lights settle on ARTEMY's side of the stage. ARTEMY is picking himself back up with difficulty.]

ARTEMY:

Elder, I have passed your test. 

OYUN:

The first of many. 

ARTEMY: 

I will do whatever it takes. But, Elder, I wanted to discuss my father's research – I think he found something-

OYUN:

Isidor’s research shall mean nothing to you until you know our ways. You have strayed from the Path, Artemy.

ARTEMY:

I am doing my best. But people could be in danger. I need to find his notes.

OYUN:

Quiet! Do not contradict me. Do you question my authority as your Elder?

ARTEMY:

...No, of course not. Forgive me.

[ARTEMY lowers his head, fists clenching, and OYUN turns away and exits the stage.]

ARTEMY:

Is this what you wanted, Father?

Is this what you’d planned?

I am lost without you,

I can’t think, I can’t sleep,

I’m just stuck here, waiting for the Elder to show his hand.

[Partial lights up on Daniil, just a spotlight while he sings]

DANIIL, overlapping on previous line: 

Show your hand.

What was it that brought you here?

What was it that brought me here? 

Could it be that I’ve been chasing the wrong kind of killer,

Could it be that he was taken by sickness, not steel...?

Isidor Burakh, a victim

Of something far more deadly than a man.

Could it be he had a darker secret-

some virus...

The only thing left living in this house.

ARTEMY, overlapping:

Isidor Burakh, a menkhu,

A man the likes of which I’ll never be.

And Elder Oyun tells these lies - would you be alive

If only I’d never left your house...?

[Music softens to background again. Lights return to just DANIIL’s side, dim on ARTEMY, who turns away in frustration and starts towards the Burakh house.]

WOMAN: 

Help me! 

DANIIL:

There’s- there’s nothing I can do, I’ve never see a disease like this-

WOMAN:

Aren’t you a doctor?! You must do something, for God’s sake!

DANIIL:

I can’t! I can’t- I need to know what happened!

[Lights switch to ARTEMY for his line, then back.]

ARTEMY:

I need to know what happened.

WOMAN:

We only wanted to see if the house was alright- 

DANIIL:

You mean to say it spread just from one posthumous visit? That’s the only contact you had?

WOMAN:

We heard Burakh was dead, and we thought we’d look after the place for him, and now we’re all-

DANIIL:

‘We?’ There are others?

WOMAN:

My sisters and I - my poor sisters! It spread so fast, came on so quick- You must help us!

[Two more women, also covered in boils(??), step out on either side of DANIIL, reaching out for him.]

WOMAN 2:

Doctor! Help us!

WOMAN 3: 

Save us!

DANIIL:

Don’t touch me! I can’t afford to catch this, for all our sakes!

[The first woman’s voice rises almost to a shriek.]

WOMAN: You’d abandon us?

DANIIL: 

I just need to-

WOMAN 2:

Please, Doctor, please! I’m on fire, it hurts, it hurts!

DANIIL:

I don’t have- Get away from me!

[The second two women advance on DANIIL while the first collapses to the ground. DANIIL ducks under their arms and flees, terrified. The women wail despairingly, trying and failing to grab him. Lights up on both sides, the women’s wailing bleeding into the music, which rises and grows more and more discordant. (note - high warbling violins for the wailing?) ARTEMY is bending over Isidor’s notes, and has an unpleasant revelation. DANIIL bursts through the door separating the left side of the stage from the right, then immediately slams it behind him. ARTEMY straightens, and he and DANIIL make eye contact for the first time.]

DANIIL and ARTEMY:

It’s a plague.

[bump1nthen1ght]

I’m Still Hurting (Orc x Reader) Part 2

Pairings: Fem!Reader/Male!Orc

Genre: Urban Fantasy, Angst

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2107 words

Summary: You and your boyfriend establish a new normal

A/N: At long last, the highly requested part two! I had a bit of struggle coming up with a proper followup to the first part (which was part of why I left it with an open-ended ending in the first place lol). Little less angst this time, I felt these two deserved a little sweetness after the last chapter. Hope y'all enjoy!

Part 1

The first thing that caught your eye when you walked by the music store was the Grand Piano. It was gorgeous: Polished mahogany, a nice velvet seat, and keys that looked like they had never seen the sticky fingers of a curious 8 year old.

“Wow, is that new?”

You nod, admiring the old-fashioned air of the instrument. You knew jack shit about music, but even you could tell that this piano was an antique, one probably worth a good chunk of change.

“Must be. I’ve never seen it before and this place is on my way to work.”

Waruck hmms, pressing his hands up against the glass. His eyes sparkle when he sees the “Free to Play” sign right next to the piano. It probably reminds him of his Grandpa’s, the one he played when you guys visited his family for Christmas.

That was a long time ago.

“Want to go in?”

Waruck pulls away from the glass, eyebrows raised. He rubs the back of his neck and steps a couple feet back, trying to curb his enthusiasm.

“Uh, we don’t have to-”

“I don’t mind. It's been a while-” You pause, the slight-anxiety in the air making every casual word difficult, “It’s been a while since I’ve heard you play.”

Waruck smiles, small and polite, and opens the door of the shop for you. Before, he might have done a little bow and said “Ladies First” in a British accent.

But that was before, and this is now. Now, every comment is walking on eggshells, whispered tentatively and under your breath. Testing the waters for how comfortable you two could get around each other.

Still, it was exponential growth from two months ago.

--------

After your meeting at the coffee shop, you had asked Waruck for a month; A month of privacy, for you to collect your thoughts and feelings, to be alone for a bit. He had agreed immediately, shuffling out of the cafe with a hunched back and a melancholy air, but he had kept his promise. You took the time to focus on other things, shifting your relationship to the back of your mind and enjoying the day-to-day.

But a part of you felt a little bad, like maybe you were stringing Waruck along for an inevitable breakup. Getting his hopes up for an extra tortuous punishment that left a sour taste in your mouth. So on one brave Saturday night, you sent him a meme you saw on Instagram, one that reminded you of him.

That second month saw the two of you texting more and more frequently, sending little jokes, asking how your day was, so and so. Each week rebuilt a little bit more of that familiarity, that comfortableness. It finally got to the point where Waruck asked if you were free one weekend. He just wanted to get some lunch and stroll around the neighborhood for a bit. For the first time in a while, that idea didn’t seem too bad.

--------

The air is considerably cooler inside the store, a tiny bell ringing as a rush of air-conditioned air hits both of you. Waruck makes a beeline for the piano, his footsteps short and quick. You feel a smile crawl on your face; He always acted like an excited kid when it came to music.

Waruck plops down in the center of the stool, fingers lightly brushing over the keys in awe. You walk up the piano’s side, laying your hand on the wood and admiring the lack of smudge marks on the polished wood. Waruck tests out a G note and although the sound is short, it’s extremely pleasant. Waruck’s smile grows even larger.

“When I was a young boy…”

You mutter under your breath. Waruck chuckles, quickly continuing onto a G flat.

“My father took me into the city,” Waruck hums

“To see a marching band.” The two of you sing together, laughing a little bit too loudly and gaining a sharp look from the tired sales clerk. Waruck waves a little apology, but that playful grin stays on his face.

“Wow, that brings back some repressed Hot Topic memories.”

“Seriously. I can almost feel the book my band teacher used to thwack me with. Me and my buddies would sneak into the choir room and play that all the time.” Waruck’s fingers dance over a couple more notes, aimless.

You’ve always liked watching Waruck play. His fingers were so dextrous and controlled,  not to mention long and nicely articulated. He’d probably make good money from a hand-model side-gig.

“Want to take a seat?”

You shift your focus away from Waruck’s hands. He’s made space on the bench and pats the open space next to him.

“Yeah, sure.” You say, despite the fast pace your heart is now beating.

You keep a solid two inches of distance between your bodies, keeping your thighs together as to not brush your legs with his. It felt like a middle school dance, keeping a bible length away from your partner to avoid the disapproving stare of the chaperones.

Waruck nods, absentmindedly running his fingers up the scale. “Any requests?”

Immediately, all non-love songs depart from your brain. One of your favorite pieces sits on the tip of your tongue and your brain refuses to let it go. You shake your head.

“Nope. It’s all yours, music man.”

Waruck chuckles, a little louder and a lot more comfortable, as he sits deeper in his seat.

“Prepare,” Waruck cracks his knuckles, “to be amazed.”

You bite back a laugh. He’s still such a dork.

He starts to play, his hands easily finding the right keys, moving like a well-oiled machine. Your heart nearly skips a beat before it melts into a puddle of sentiment.

It’s your favorite.

The song brings back memories of your childhood, a rainy day in, and delicious food. It’s like chicken soup for the soul and you can feel any of the left over tension leave your body.

Waruck’s eyebrows furrow with concentration, but he has a large smile on his face, his large tusks peeking out from his lips. His arm stretches across the piano as the song hits its most fast-paced part. His biceps and shoulders lean more into your space, but the feeling isn’t unwelcome. It feels natural, as if his presence and yours is part of the piece itself.

Waruck’s thigh brushes against yours, but his pace doesn’t falter and neither does yours. You stay enraptured, watching how easily he slips into the music. You barely even notice how you have begun to lean closer to his side; Your mind says it’s to give his arms plenty of space to play, but it’s still far more comfortable than you are willing to admit.

How easy it feels, in the moment, to fall back into routine.

The song begins slowing to a stop, only a couple seconds left, when the sounds of the music shop return to you. A giggle from not too far rings discordant with Waruck’s piano.

Three girls stand not too far from you, watching with fascination as Waruck plays.

“Wow, he is so good!” One whispers to her friends.

There is nothing even remotely lascivious in their eyes or in their words, but a knife still twists in your gut. Your throat constricts as flashes of your bedroom, of unanswered texts, and a picture of a bar corner booth send needles down your spine and into your heart.

Is this wrong? Is this giddy feeling you have only distracting you from reality? Is it like this song, Waruck’s playing, beautiful but temporary?

“Ugh, I want what they have.”

“I know, right? How romantic.”

They’re wrong, you’re wrong, this is wrong; It’s fake, fake, fa-

Your eyes dart to and fro, trying to desperately avoid Waruck’s quickly overwhelming body heat and your audience, before it catches on the distorted shape of your reflection in the window.

The glass is old, slightly drooping, even the golden lettering of the music shop’s name looks dusty and sun-bleached.

But what is unmistakable is you and Waruck. Waruck, playing piano, and looking at you. Looking at you with the love in his eyes you thought had died, or had never been there at all. The group of girls stands in the background, small and out of focus.

And Waruck is staring at you.

“Are you okay?” Waruck asks, his warm hand on your shoulder.

You whip your neck around, almost getting whiplash.

You’re here, in the music store, with your boyfriend. He looks at you, brow slightly puzzled from your wild eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, I,” You suck in a deep breath, “Sorry, I guess I got lost in my own head. That song gets me kind of nostalgic.”

Waruck pats your shoulder and you miss it’s heat when he pulls it back to his side. He smiles, but you can tell he is still slightly worried.

“No problem, I get it.”

You notice now how much closer Waruck is to you. His chest has shifted towards yours, the fabric of his shirt sleeve pressing against the skin of your bicep. Waruck’s knee absentmindedly knocks into yours, but the contact doesn’t sting or jolt you. Not even the continuing silence makes the situation awkward.

It’s nice.

“Do you want to check out the record aisle? They might actually have that piece on vinyl.”

Waruck gestures with his thumb to the piles of CD’s and records not too far from you two. You nod

“Yeah, that sounds great.”

--------

The two of you spend about an hour in the music store, pointing out hilarious cover art and admiring some vintage finds. Waruck even gets you to chuckle a couple of times, slowly bringing out his old cheesy puns.

Waruck’s missed this.

You two walk out of the music store at the tail end of one of Waruck’s jokes, you playfully punching his shoulder.

The two of you wander, in the opposite direction of your cars, for a little while. But Waruck hasn’t lost track of time; No, he’s soaking in every moment he can, every smile and lingering look you give him. Every reminder that this is real.

He spent a week agonizing over what he did. Stuck in silence as he gave you your space. His friends (His real friends, not those assholes from the bar) had offered to come by and keep him company, but he turned it down.

When Waruck got back into routine, it was slow-rolling. It was difficult to fight the instinct to check his phone for a good-morning text, or check your Instagram for any ‘post-breakup’ partying.

No, he had already broken your trust once. The least he could do was give you some time. Spend some hour not wallowing in self-pity, but actively make a change.

Waruck began to accept those invites to a chill hang out, playing some poker and sipping on beer with the gang. He played his keyboard when the thoughts got too loud and went jogging when the music wasn’t loud enough. He called his mom a couple of times, even sent his sister a  couple of texts to catch up. They hadn’t spoken outside of holidays for almost three years.

Maybe he was the one that needed time.

God, why did you have to be so smart?

“Oh shit, how long have we been walking?” You mutter, checking your watch for the time. Waruck turns around you, already knowing the answer was 27 minutes, exactly. The both of you were nearing the edge of the neighborhood, cafes and shops turning into residential suburbs. “Dang, time really flies, huh?”

Waruck smiles.

“With you? It always does.”

You give him a half smile, patting his bicep. “Oh my god, you’re such a cheeseball.”

Waruck winks and shoots you some finger guns.

“You know it babe.”

You giggle, checking your watch once more, face turning just a little bit.

“I should probably head back, I’m getting dinner with some friends tonight.”

A small part of Waruck yearns for more time, but he lets it go.

Space, this was about establishing space.

“I had a lot of fun today, Waruck.” You step a little closer, Waruck’s heart skips a beat.

“Me too.” He whispers, his breath catching as your fingers brush against his.

It’s a simple gesture, one you’ve down a million times. But when your palm slips into his, your finger’s interlocking, it’s like fireworks have gone off.

“Same time, next week?”

Waruck nods, not trusting himself to speak without a voice crack.

That’s all he needed, all you wanted; The promise of the future.

“Yes, I would love that.”

[sepia-mahogany]

Platonic Hanahaki

The stories are just as widely known, of loving and losing, of yearning and forgetting, common in present time as they were years ago, of loving someone so deeply, without desire but not without passion, of kings and warriors, of lovers and brothers, of people not kin not lovers, growing in their lungs the flowers with thorns that cut deep, and drank away their blood without leaving any survivors.

Of course the tales are many, as tragic as they are, of how a man who killed his beloved for making him feel what he deemed unnecessary, his beloved who offered him a little white carnation, covered red in blood, but he held up his sword and cut through flesh, only to follow few days later in his grief.

Or of how a woman travelled across seas, in search of her soulmate, for the agony of her blood kept her comfort, for the heartbeat that echoed along with the garden she grew inside her lungs, because it meant her beloved was well, until one day, she coughed up a black rose and sank to her knees, disappearing from the world.

Of course, there were the ones who lived and got their happy ends, filled with their beloved ones caress or tears of guilt, and so was recorded, the flowers turning to dust and fading away, for their love had been acknowledged, so why the need for the reminder in their veins? Only marks appear on their skin, the place where they first made contact, sometimes the cheek, sometimes the hand, sometimes unseen under the clothes from when they rough-housed as kids.

------------

Jiang Fengmian closed the book that he read, the pain blossoming sharp in his lungs, since that night when he sat, staring at the lotuses under the moonlight, his mind drifting to moments of the past, of longing of what once was, Lotus Pier once his home, felt more like a shackle around his wrists, yet this was his responsibility and he would bear the weight.

He thought to the day he waved away his dearest friend, the one by his side since they were young and grown into the men they were today, and as life went on, it was natural and it was expected, so Fengmian had not been forlorn but rather joyfully wished them well with sincerity and hoped they could visit some time in the future.

He was happy for Changze, for he had found his One, he’d seen the way he looked at her and she at him, he may have held affections for one of them but his love for their friendship outweighed it, and he would be content if they were healthy and successful in the path they chose, but even he knew with their own busy lives, it would be difficult to meet for a long time, so he bid them farewell and cherished their memories.

He didn’t feel as disappointed over his marriage as he originally did, it might have been arranged because of Meishan Yu Sect’s pressuring and his mother’s continuous desire for wanting one of theirs to be his bride, ‘to be the stern hand to his mellowness’ she had said, and what kind of a filial son would he be if he broke the betrothal off now?

And it was not as if he knew the Third Lady of Meishan Yu personally, seeing his brother-in arm’s relationship, his heart could not help but swell with hope, perhaps they could come to understand one another? He looked at his flowers, the ones he had grown with them, and the purple lotuses blooming near the entrance and thought, would she notice how the the colour reflected her eyes? Maybe a boat ride would help? Making future plans with anticipation, he felt a smile blooming on his face.

The day of the wedding came and went, except the chambers of the first night of the married couple remained empty, for his wife had requested for separate quarters in the privacy of their room, he agreed, perhaps she was nervous? Knowing each other better was better than consummation with a stranger, he nodded to himself, he should probably help make her comfortable as her husband.

He approached her room after he finished dressing and knocked lightly, and hesitantly called out “Third-lady?” The door opened, by one of the two girl’s Yu Ziyuan had brought over, and he saw his heart skip a beat when he saw her sitting clothed in Yunmeng Jiang’s purple, her violet eyes staring at him, her lips pursed in a line.

“What is it?” she asked, annoyance clear by her expression, he hesitated yet again, perhaps he had come too early? Yesterday had been a busy banquet. “Would you like to come to the pavilion with me today?” her eyes narrowed and he thought he saw a brief anger flash on her face, was she misunderstanding his intentions?? “The flowers are quite beautiful and the weather is quite good today, tea outside seems a calming time, doesn’t it?” he added, trying to make sure his tone did not seem too hurried, except she became even more angry.

Just when he expected her to refuse, she nodded curtly, “What time?” He let out a breath he did not even realise that he was holding, “Whatever seems comfortable.” He smiled at her gently, her eyes roamed over his face once again before she looked away, knowing full well she meant for him to leave, he got up.

He was happy throughout the day and it must have shown on his face, because his right-hand man told him to leave the Sect work to him for today and ‘just go Sect Leader!”, he had prepared the afternoon snacks himself, the place polished and ready for a wonderful evening, despite that, he still could not help but anxiously look over everything as he waited for her arrival, and she arrived, wearing the same robes as she was in the morning.

He got up to extend her seat. “Good Evening, Third-Lady” She had been looking around the garden since she had entered, he thought it out of appreciation, since these were the flowers they cultivated for years, until her eyes landed on him, which held the same anger as they did earlier in the morning. He served her the tea which she held tightly in her hands, and he found himself worrying, “Is something wrong?”

He expected her to say that the tea was not up to her taste at best, he expected her to criticise the garden’s decor at worse, what he had not expected were the words that left her mouth. “So this is the garden you cultivated with that woman? And you dared to bring me, your wife, here on the first day after our marriage?” She hissed, her words crisp and cutting, he felt confusion, followed by horrified upon realisation of the implications. 

“Third-Lady! What are you saying??”

“What am I saying?! Do you deny it? Do you take me for a fool? You married me once you were rejected by her, everyone knows that and you think that I will sit here calmly while being disrespected!? What do you take me for??” She yelled at him, slamming the cup down, he was truly shocked and frozen in his spot looking at her in bewilderment, had that really been what everyone was saying?

However, she took his shocked silence for agreement and got up to leave, “Third-Lady wait! It isn’t as you think, at all! Let me explain, we were friends and nothing else” He saw her pause, her back towards him so he hurried to explain.

“Changze brought her over once, to show her the garden we had cultivated since we were kids.” He paused to take a breath, “The only thing that was planted upon her suggestion were the purple lotuses-” He saw her head tilt as she looked the flowers, with a hopeful heart he thought, ‘maybe..?’ But before he could finish, Yu Ziyuan had turned around, a sneer upon her lips as she trampled upon the flowers next to her.

‘...to be the first thing you see, when you enter the garden.’

She left him staring at the trampled flowers, the tea cup tipped all over the table from when she smashed it in anger, and he sat there, processing what had happened, until a disciple knocked at the door, “Sect Leader?” The disciple peeked inside to catch his eye and stammered, “The meeting is about to begin, some urgent things came up and-” he smiled and replied “Of course, I’ll be on my way.” He sent the disciple off, grabbed a few napkins to clean up the table, and picked up the trampled flowers from the ground.

The days that followed went on without much words spoken between them, he did not dare to make the first move, because if she could misunderstand him in ways to such high extents, he was not sure what she would think if her sent over gifts, even if the thought of sending some crossed his mind, her scowling face and the violet of her eyes reminded him of that day, leading him to stay away.

He entered the garden, as months went by, the flowers that were once blooming wilted, just like everything in life had its end, some more sooner than the others, some caused by another, he thought as his eyes lingered on the place where once the purple lotus flowers stood. 

--------

“She’ll love them!” Cangse Sanren had said with that confident smile of hers, giving him thumbs up with both hands covered in dirt from where she planted her side of the lotuses with Changze, who nodded as well when he looked at him. “The ones on the right are from us, the ones to left were planted by her were own future-husband.” She grinned as he could feel flush creeping up his cheeks, he cleared his throat accompanied by Changze’s fond sigh. 

“She’ll probably melt, Sect Leader Jiang, down on his hands and knees in dirt, planting flowers in her-” Jiang Fengmian cut her off “Okay, enough! Enough!” he muttered, wiping his hands clean and looking at Changze, who only looked the other way as his wife cackled, the traitor. “Besides I plant flowers anyway, so does Changze, it’s not anything special like that.” He said defensively, Cangse Sanren had the audacity to roll her eyes, at Sect Leader, and his own home at that. “Sureee, Fengmian, sure.” 

---------

When he began to plant new fresh seeds, it took him much longer without Changze doing the other half, now, the thought of even considering Yu Ziyuan to plant the other half seemed laughable, he had been wrong in thinking they could come to understand one another, but now what was done was done, he could not exactly with separate her just within a few months of marriage, so he took a deep breath and decided upon a peace offering.

She was the Violet Spider, with a harsh temper and equally cutting words, what would be a gift that would be to her liking? He did not need to ponder over it for long, because to his surprise, he was approached by her during the evening, when he was alone. “I want to handle the training of the disciples.” She stated more than asked, Jiang Fengmian hesitated, that was a mistake, “What? Don’t think I’m good enough to train Yunmeng Jiangs disciples? Not good enough as your-” he cut her off,

 “No! That’s not what I was thinking-” the original instructor had been hand picked and carried the legacy of his forefathers, how could he alter what was passed down for generations- “Did you speak over me!? Trying to silence me, are you? With how you married me as a substitute for her? Is that not it?? Is that why you’re so hesitant?? Or perhaps is it that I’m a woman and you’re scared-” what?? “My Lady! That’s not it at all! I-”

“Then prove it, or else it's not believable at all, what other reason would you have then, to think that I am somehow inferior in your mind?” Her words dripped with poison, her eyes locking onto him, eyes of a venomous spider, he raised up his hand to massage his forehead. “Its not that simple! The instructing handlers have been passed down through generations, I cannot just change it on a whim.”

And she leaned back, smug as if she had won the argument, “Then perhaps it is not I who is lacking.” He felt cold all over, the anger he felt giving him no warmth, insulting his friends, insulting him, and now his sect. “Third-Lady, please be careful of what you speak, careless words aren’t able to be taken back easily.” Her smile remained, “Who says these are careless words? I mean every one of them, your Sect teachings haven’t produced any excelling disciple for the past years, while other Sect’s flourish, give me the reigns and I’ll show you how its done.”

Not only accepting all her words as intentional, but also implying she could do better than the Jiang Sect’s teachings over hundreds of years, he realised more and more what sort of a person he had been tied down to, would it not be better to just end the marriage? He instead looked over her smug expression and took a deep breath, “Fine, but give me time.” She nodded and left at that, a means to an end, giving her the benefit of the doubt, he did not know at the time, would turn out to be one of his worst mistakes.

It took him months but he managed to get some disciples under Yu Ziyuan, but his concerns were not simply over the teachings, if Yu Ziyuan could act the way she did with him, well with disciples? So he supervised the training lessons, but again to his surprise, other than some curt words, she did not verbally attack them the way she had attacked him, so it wasn’t her behaviour in general, just with him.

Of course he had called over one of the disciples randomly, although nervous and stuttering, the boy had answered that the training was going quite well, and with no reports or complaints in the following months, he could not do anything but let the matter drop, with this however, the matter of their distance remained as it was.

Soon he found that she relocated the aides he had, he had been angry of course, and immediately gone to her. “Where did you send Li Feng and the rest? And with what authority, you have no right-” she cut him off slamming her hands on top of the table. “With authority as your wife!? Or have you forgotten who your wife is?? So what? Can’t I move around servants here??” the anger churned his insides more so than anything else. 

“Those people aren’t servants, Li Feng is my right-hand man, please refer to them respectfully.” He tried to speak as calmly as possible, she glared at him “As the Madam of this house, I can do however I want.” he pinched the bridge of his nose, looked at her, her violet eyes, and exhaled. “Every action I do is met with anger, scorn or contempt,” He began, voice devoid of previous anger, “Then perhaps we should part ways.” He finished and her expression changed.

Out went the anger from her glare, instead for the first time she looked at him with shock instead of rage, and it was the first time he heard her stutter. “F-Fengmian, you can’t…” He looked at her, much relaxed with his mind made up, “Third-Lady, we clearly aren’t meant to be, we are completely different.” He turned his back and made to leave, with his hand on the door handle, “How dare you do this to me?”

Still the same, he closed his eyes, “How dare you, when I work day and night to train your disciples, how dare you, when you agreed to marry me in the first place, if anything, it's all your fault these things happen!” She yelled and he turned to look at her in disbelief, she cried “Why did you marry me if you were going to abandon me later?? How dare you!” she grabbed the nearest object, a cup and threw it at him, but he caught it before it broke.

‘Your fault’ she said, how was it his fault with any of it?? With how she behaved- “Have I caused problems in your Sect?? Have I gone out of my way to harm your people? All I did was rearrange the schedule setting but you seem to think I have committed treason?!”

She looked at him with anger “Did you not approach me first on that day? I was fine in my own quarters but you had to approach me.” He did but it was for purpose of getting to know each other better!

“Then all I asked was to train your disciples, only to get your suspicion” She huffed angrily “Do you think think me blind? That I would not if you called them to check if I was abusing them?? What do you take me for exactly!?” She saw him staring wide-eyed and nodded “You don’t get to ask for separation when I’m one who has suffered, after I’ve worked so hard, you could make some efforts too, if you weren’t so obsessed with that woman, and hate me unreasonably for not being her, then perhaps you would know!” She left, slamming the door behind her.

Her words repeated over and over in his head, ‘your fault’, true he had approached her first that day...but..and again the thing with disciples, he felt guilt creeping up in his heart, he should have tried harder if she misunderstood him, he should have explained it better, in a few days he saw his aides once again under him, but instead of greeting him like they usually did, they looked at him as if a stranger. 

“Is everything alright?” He asked, Li Feng answered “Of course, Sect Leader.” He nodded, not noticing anything odd, except over the next month, he realised they were treating him distantly, he couldn’t share with them what was on his mind, nor any of his opinions, being met with “As Sect Leader wishes.” Was Yu Ziyuan right? Was he the one lacking in communication? But he never had Changze misunderstand him...

In his state, he did not notice rumours spreading about how Jiang Fengmian did not like Yu Ziyuan because he was ‘still in love with another woman’.

Most of time was spent busy with his work, not knowing how to face her again, days became months, he would sometimes reminisce over his past times, feeling guilt weighing him down and pain in his chest, there no reason for him to feel anything out of the ordinary, until one day, when he was sitting in his room while looking down at his garden, the flowers did not bloom, he thought, and he felt a wave of coldness wash over him

Thinking how the once lively Lotus Pier turned into a place of coldness for him, his wife refused to talk to him, his aides and friends looked at him with judgement in their eyes, and then the pain increased unnaturally, until he couldn’t help but take in deep breaths helping to no avail, and then he coughed.

He coughed and coughed until he could feel his lungs bleed and he tasted metal on his tongue, until he could feel thorns scratching his throat as he choked with panic overtaking him, barely able to breath he vomited, instead of feeling his blanket get wet from what he thought was bile, he opened his eyes to be greeted by flowers, lots of carnations, stargazer lilies and purple hyacinths mixed together, covered in blood and vines.

He laughed, he had not laughed since the day he got married to Yu Ziyuan, he laughed and laughed bitterly, tears forming in his eyes, he felt so alone, he thought ‘how good would it be if I could just leave?’, at least, he thought between breaths, at least they are alright, it had been a long time since he had heard from his friends.

--------------------

A year had passed just like that, Yu Ziyuan’s angry scornful comments continued any time he so much as tried to speak to her that he gave up trying, his aides while weren’t exactly the same with him anymore, he did catch them staring at him with concern sometimes, few reassurances had them going back to work.

Hearing knocking at the door, with Yu Ziyuan’s “It’s me”, exhaustion filled him, and his heart skipped a beat with fear, of course it wasn’t that he was afraid of her, but her reaction, her words if she knew, he glanced once at the hiding place of the book and got up to open the door, tired as he did not want to face more of her tirades or whatever she wanted from him.

She walked in, eyes roaming over his room and sat on the edge of his bed, “Fengmian” she began, and he took a deep breath, she wanted to ask for something when she spoke like that, “What is it Third-Lady?” he asked, a bit resigned.

“The people have been talking.” She said a bit curtly, that phrase always sent his thoughts back to when they first talked, and since whenever she uttered it, it was almost always followed by anger, he did not like it at all.

Though reluctant, he still asked weakly “About what, Third-Lady?” she looked away. “Heirs” With that one word, he felt a surge of that unpleasant coldness forming in the pit of his stomach. “‘Heirs?’” he repeated, he had known that one day he would have to consummate their relationship, and he had foolishly avoided it being brought up, with what reason could he deny this?

“Make up your mind, people have been talking, how Fengmian has not touched his wife since her arrival.” She said, turning to look at her, the violet of her eyes made him sick, his thoughts filled with the purple hyacinths covered in blood, he felt breath come short to his lungs. “Give me time, Third-Lady.” He whispered weakly, and winced when he realised it was the wrong thing to say as her expression twisted.

“Do you hear yourself? Always ‘give me time’ whenever I ask you for something, haven’t I given you enough time to come to yourself? Always dazed nowadays!” She snapped and he flinched, “Third-Lady no! I-” She interrupted “Don’t speak over me!” She got up, and walked closer to him, prompting him to take a step back. 

“You, always yearning for your beloved it it?” She sniffed and he felt his heart drop, she couldn’t possibly have known, he went alone and- “You...you had people following me??” He whispered, angered, afraid, he did not know what he was feeling, except that he wanted to be far far away from her. Were it the people he once called his aides? 

“Does it matter? Who knows when you’d meet up with that wh-” He slammed his hand on the door “Third-Lady, please leave.” He said taking in deep breaths to keep the pain at bay, “Just go” He added when a look of anger overcame her yet again “Fengmian you-” he didn’t let her speak. “You want heirs? Heirs right? Let's talk about that later, out” He pointed to the door, she bit her lips but ultimately left, knowing her words wouldn’t be needed any more having accomplished what she came for.

He closed the door and tried to move to the inside of the room, where he coughed, coughed until blood poured down his mouth, blood until the purple flowers fell from his mouth, it was getting worse than before, he huffed and washed clean the blood, washed cleaned the flowers, a drawer he opened, entirely filled with violet flowers, a reminder of the fool he had been. 

He sat on his knees as he stared them, despair heavy on his face,  “Ah Changze, what am I supposed to do?”

So, they shared the moment of what should have been their wedding night, he left as soon as morning came, with the urge to vomit yet again at his throat, and it was not entirely due to the diseases spike, he would hope that was the one and only moment time they would ever have to take part in matrimonial duties, for her cutting words didn’t ever seem to hold back, no matter the occasion.

Months passed and confirmation came that she was with child, it was a relief to him, less about acquiring an heir and more not having to deal with the woman, except in her state she was more unbearable than ever but he couldn’t say anything, for he would be met with her rant of “You did this to me!” From her, he fulfilled her every wish, but he couldn’t think to be with her in the same room for more than a few minutes, without bile rising to his throat.

But when the day of the birth came, he sat as she held his arm, as she screamed in pain, that was the least he could do as her husband, suppressing all moments of disgust he felt upon her touch, and after hours and hours, he got to hold his daughter while her mother took rest, and his heart filled with love, his little one, she was his dearest child, Jiang Yanli.

For a few days, things seemed better, Yu Ziyuan seemed to hold back on her anger, he assumed she had been happy as well, how wrong he had been, when she came to him and spoke about betrothal with her Sworn Sister, Madam Jin of Jin Sect, and he felt disbelief coursing his veins and it was the first time he truly raised his voice at her. “No.” he said firmly, no matter how much she yelled or screamed, he refused.

He had said, “Her marriage will done with her own choice, no matter what.” he thought later that had been a mistake, because Yu Ziyuan started to arrange play-dates between Yanli and the Jin heirs son, he still refused, until Jiang Yanli herself came to him, claiming she loved the boy she saw but barely knew anything of, if she did, she would have seen the disdain the boy held for prospect of marriage, the same disdain he saw in Yu Ziyuan.

The woman came to him again, “A-Li likes him, or are you going to deny what you had said?”  He wanted to argue, Yanli was barely old enough to understand but knowing Yu Ziyuan, he knew there was no way she would give up, so he agreed, hoping to break it off later in the future, when Yanli was old enough to understand, his daughter would know that there was no love lost between her and the boy.

Until her 3rd birthday, when it became more and more obvious that Yanli could not form a core, and Yu Ziyuan’s anger burned again, he tried to keep Yanli around him more than her, but when she came asking to talk to her daughter, as her mother, he could not refuse, his daughter usually looked down instead of looking at her.

One of those days, when Yu Ziyuan had come to ask, Jiang Yanli held tightly on his clothes and looked at him with her light coloured eyes, Ziyuan’s purple reminded him of poison, of those hyacinths in his lungs, and Yanli’s reminded him of those purple lotuses, that he had grown with love, he made an excuse, and the woman huffed away, “Fine, send her over later then.” He did not, “She was tired.” He said calmly, when Yu Ziyuan later yelled at him.

They had to share the bed once more when the question of heirs was brought up, and he had spent the rest of the day in his room, vomiting, sick to his stomach, both the blood and the food, for the first time since Yanli’s birth. As usual, he cleaned up without letting anyone know.

Nearing the evening, he heard a light knock at his door. “Father?” He heard, Yanli call out, he got up to open the door, and invited his little daughter in, “Father’s not well?” she questioned as she climbed up onto his lap, he patted her head lovingly. “Father is okay. A-Li does not have to worry, but he wonders what has she been doing? I saw her go to the kitchen earlier today.” He pretended to be puzzled.

“A-Li learnt how to make soup from Old Fa!” She said excitedly, holding her hands together. “But Mother says its a servant’s job, she doesn’t like it.” She wilted and he looked at her directly. “Father would love to eat a-li’s soup.” She looked at him hopefully, “I know it’d taste delicious!” She cheered up. 

“I made it for father today.” She ran out and came back with a bowl filled with what was..the soup. He drank it anyway and gave a strained smile, “Could use a little less salt” He choked out, and her smile was worth it.

Weeks passed peacefully, he was with Yanli in the kitchen, watching as Old Fa taught her how to knead, cooking was one of the few things that brought a smile to her face, seeing her so excited, he relaxed as well, until Yu Ziyuan joined them, he hadn’t expected her to, given her mindset of it being a servants job,  “A-Li you’re doing it wrong.” She said after watching her for a moment, in the same tone of voice as she used when training disciples.

“A-Xuan won’t like it if all you can do is cook, come with me to the training grounds.” She said, he cut her off “A-Li doesn’t have to do everything for him.” And Yu Ziyuan turned to him “If you want her to do a servant job then that's on you, she’s my daughter too, and as the daughter of Violet Spider, she should be able to fight! Not partaking in these weak acts-” He cut her off “Third Lady! Control your words!”

Before he could say more, soft sniffles cut him off, he looked at his daughter, her hands still inside the dough, tears she was trying to wipe on her shoulder, “Third-Lady is not allowed in the kitchen anymore.” He said and watched Old Fa escort her out, not before Yu Ziyuan shouted, “You cannot keep me from training my daughter!” She yelled as if he had ordered her banishment instead.

“No one is keeping you, if you have nothing good to say to a-li, it's better if you stay away from her, Third-Lady, take the day to cool off” He nodded towards the door, “Fine! If you want your daughter to be a weak-” he cut her off “Third-Lady! Leave.” She threw one last look at them and left fuming.

He knelt next to his daughter, pulled her into a hug. “A-Li is sorry Father!” She sobbed, and rubbed her back “A-Li doesn’t have to be sorry, a-li’s mother should be saying sorry.”

“Mother says father doesn’t like a-li” She said after calming down a bit “Because a-li looks like her mother-” he pulled back to look at her in the eye and enunciated his every word, “A-Li is not her mother, a-li is my beloved daughter, and I love everything a-li does” He told her comfortingly. 

“A-Li is not weak, a-li is peaceful, there is strength in nurturing and kindness.” Yanli finally seemed to calm down, hiccuping but not sobbing anymore, he wiped her tears away and smiled “Father loves a-li a lot.” he said as he kissed the top of her head.

---------

And then the day came when Yanli’s little sibling came into the world, accompanied by just as much of screaming, but less hours lost, Yanli cooed over her little brother, a tiny little thing in her mother’s arms, she reached out and lightly pressed his cheek, “So small.” Her father chuckled and said “A-Li was also this small when she was born.” Yu Ziyuan showed a rare smile as well, “His name will be Jiang Cheng.” She said.

Things went a bit smoothly after that, even though Ziyuan was the same as always Yanli his beloved daughter was eight years old, and his son, Jiang Cheng was four, his core formed well and he thought Yu Ziyuan had been happy, so he had not expected when she was walked into his room and started yelling,

 “Why are you ostracising your son!? Yanli’s going to be married into Jin Sect and yet you spend time coddling her! And you don’t spend the same amount of time with your son?”

He really hadn’t expected her random onslaught, nor where she was coming from, his son was working hard, and he had overlooked his training personally, teaching him the Jiang teachings along with Yu Ziyuan’s own training. “Oh is it because I’m his mother? Because you cannot handle seeing your own son when you want to see a son with her-” Where was she coming from, he felt horrified, “Third-Lady! What’re you saying!?”

The door swung open and their son, Jiang Cheng stood shocked, scared at being caught and tears in his eyes, before he ran away. He turned to her disgust forming heavy, before leaving her where she stood spluttering how she didn’t mean for him to hear her.

He found his son sobbing as Yanli comforted him in his room. “Mother doesn’t mean it.” Yanli told him as she rubbed his back, “She loves you.” He only sobbed louder, “But she’s right, Father likes you more because he hates me. He likes that boy more-” Yanli looked as if she didn’t know what to say, and Fengmian felt confused, who were they talking about?

“No, I absolutely, do not.” He said and his children froze and turned to him, “You do! Why do you make me work more than everyone else!?” His son got up, and lightly started punching him from where he reached his knees while he sobbed, Jiang Fengmian, placed a hand on his shoulder, suppressing the pain in his heart and lungs.

“Because A-Cheng is going to be the Sect Leader, A-Cheng needs to be strong.” He said evenly as his son shook his head. “That’s not what you said to Jie!” and ran to his bed, “A-Cheng listen-” His son turned to look at him with anger “If you did then you wouldn’t have that disease!”

Jiang Fengmian stared at him, too shocked to feel anything. How? Or Why? Did she tell them that?! How did she even- his thoughts cut off as he thought back, if she could send people tailing him, what couldn’t she do? 

He looked at his daughter who avoided his gaze, “A-Li?” she answered silently “Mother said Father would replace him for-” She frowned, trying to remember a name, “‘Wei Ying’, the son of your-” She sneaked a peak at him “Your ‘beloved’.” And looked away, as if feeling guilt.

“A-Li, no, I love you both, how can she-” Yanli nodded, “I know that you love us, but A-Cheng thinks Father doesn’t like him because of Mother…” she hesitated. “And that you regret it wasn’t someone else, instead.”

He regretted, he regretted letting his children near Yu Ziyuan’s poisonous words, but the only regret was Yu Ziyuan, not his love for his children, it was not something he would ever regret, he didn’t even know Wei Changze had a son. 

“A-Li” He began gently, knowing A-Cheng was listening when his shaking under the blanket stopped, “They were my friends, like you and-” He thought for a second, “-like you and A-Cheng, we grew up together but they were my friends, and you’re my children, I love you both.” He kissed the top of her head and her shoulders dropped in what could only be relief, and reached up to pat Jiang Cheng’s head under the blanket, and left them for a moment.

He knocked on Yu Ziyuan’s door, only to find it open and empty, he walked inside and opened the cabinets and drawers until he found what he was looking for, for her to know she must have- and there they were.

Pages over pages, written in a familiar writing, ranging from containing details of travels, requesting permission to visit, to mentions of ‘Wei Ying’s’ birth, he felt tears form in his own eyes, with his heart filled with overwhelming pain and indignation, he now understood her random bursts, they were each time a letter was received, over jealousy-

Before he could go out and confront her, the pain in his lungs became unbearable, he choked and coughed, no matter how much he tried to restrain it, he coughed until he collapsed to his knees, why now? His body heated up feeling thorns tear at this lungs and throat. 

He could barely breath as he vomited, vision fading from the corner of his eyes, he was confused until he caught a look of the flowers he coughed, pure black roses mixed with the hyacinths, the rose thorns dripping with blood, no sign of lilies and carnations, his heart and soul filled with agony and he cried, and then he knew nothing more.

When he woke up, he felt nothing, he knew he hated Yu Ziyuan, but he felt nothing but blank emptiness, when he stared at the woman standing at the door, his children on either side of his bed. “Oh good, that you’re awake.” She hissed as if he was an inconvenience and he found no rage, and he nodded calmly instead.

He knew his friends had passed but he did not, could not feel grief, he knew he loved his children, so he reached out with both his hands, patting them as they muttered apologies while sobbing. “It wasn’t your fault, father was a bit sad, and was already sick, but he’s well now.” He said gently, and once the children left, he looked at the woman who was his wife and said “I’ll bring A-Ying back.”

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Authors note

Jfm knew he cared for Wei Ying, yet he felt nothing.

He knew he loved his children, he felt nothing,

He knew he hated his wife, yet he felt, nothing.

---------

So yesterday i was looking through @angstymdzsthoughts  and came across platonic hanahaki and thought hey sounds angsty, and thought ‘hey what if jfm had platonic hanahaki for cangse sanren and wei changze?’ i deliberately tried to keep it ambiguous which one he was in love with XD Madam Yu kept assuming and he didn’t give a fuk about correcting her, also like i couldnt bring myself to even write them spending the night together idk y, took a lot of effort lol. Started out with thinking hanaki, got more of JFM’s descent to feeling nothing oof.

Also like it turned out more focus on the fact that even before wwx was brought to lp, there would still be yzy biching and making everyone miserable so-

[chocominnie]

One Last Time 02  —  Pjm. (M)

⇢ pairing: Jimin X Reader

⇢ Genre: Idol!Jimin, Exbf!Jimin, model!reader, sad au, fluff, tons of smut, angst

⇢ Synopsis: Your idol ex boyfriend Jimin cheated on you. You two have been broken up for a while now and the media has been keeping track of you and him. You’re trying to get over him, but the things that happen inbetween makes you re-think the entire breakup, and so does Jimin…

⇢ Song : xxxxx

⇢ Previous : 00   01

⇢ Word Count : 

⇢ Warnings: dominant jimin, makeout sessions, this is honestly a sad angsty au, cheating, pregnancy, unprotected and protected sex, a bunch of sex, no really a LOT of sexual themes too, I know I’m forgetting some but sorry in advance!

⇢ Copyright: please do NOT repost, translate, or modify my works in any way, shape or form, on any platform. If found doing so , it is considered as plagiarism and appropriate LEGAL action will be taken

⇢ Authors note: This is my mini series for the summer! Get your tissues, things to take your anger out on, and sit back and watch the drama unfold. Shall we begin?

Your eyes shoot open, chest heaving heavily as you let out a blood curdling scream. Not this again. The same dream over and over again each night. It leaves you sleepless. The time on the clock on your nightstand reads 3:04 am. Just only four hours ago is when you fell asleep. But a full night’s sleep hasn’t happened for a year so why would it matter anyways.

Once you catch your breath you unplug your phone from the charger and read some of the notifications. From your window, the night-time critters sing their songs along with the persistant owl that’s somewhere around the apartment complex. You’d only noticed him, the owl, just a few months ago when your cat started meowing with his hoots. 

A missed call from your uncle. 

Immediately you unlock your phone and dial the number. Bringing your index finger to your mouth you gently nip on it waiting for it to answer, The rings are agonizing to you. If something has happened you only wish and pray it wasn’t as bad as you think. He’s the only parental figure left in your life.

‘‘ Princess! Hello I was just calling to speak to you earlier. But I realized you are five hours ahead of me and you had probably went to sleep.’‘

His soothing voice calms your emotions making you let out a tiny breath of air. Thank god.

‘’Hey Charlie.” You sigh. Looking towards your left, you spot Clara purring quietly next to you. You can’t help but to smile while bringing a hand over to rub her head with your thumb.  She’s so small under the shining moonlight from your window.

Her white coat shines brightly amongst her, making you remember the first night you had brought her home. All she did was sleep, and it worried you because you had no prior expierence caring for anything, let alone a small animal. Clara only drank kitten milk and slept back then. Occasionally being awake enough to nip at your fingers whenever you pet or touched her.

Now she’s a bit bigger and walks around the apartment like she owns the place. Quite the little attitude she has, but its too damn cute for you to scold her whenever she does something wrong. 

“ Yes I did fall asleep from after a gathering at someone’s house.’’ You continue on, bringing your knees to your chest after opening the curtain of your window fully.

The moons brightness illuminates the entire room, but not so bright for you to complain though. ‘’ Oh- was it Jimin’s? Tell him I said hell-’’

You bite your lip hard at his name. He doesn’t know and you wont even dare to let him know. Knowing him, your uncle would have a fit and oppose to come back to Seoul to ‘set the record straight.’ to Jimin. That’s the last thing you want to do, cause trouble.

‘‘ It was his brother’s house warming party.” You say, lowering your tone in your voice. You look at the nightstand for a couple of seconds just before opening the top drawer of the wooden, polished piece. Your hands shakily pull out a picture of you two together.

It was taken at  Marne-la-Vallée, France right infront of Cinderella’s castle. That was the day that you and Jimin had to went to Disneyland in Paris, France. You cant help but to think, with the picture in hand, that it was one of the best nights ever. It was also the same night your virginity was taken.

‘‘ Oh.. I know that tone. Are you two arguing at the moment.”

You shrug, “ I mean you could say that.’’

No you cant.

‘‘ Alright alright I won’t talk more of him. Let’s change the subject.” He chuckles deeply into the phone.

‘‘ How’s Europe? Anything new happening on base?”

‘‘ Same old Same old. It’s been what? 2 years since I’ve left Seoul? The food is different over here. They don’t have kimchi pancakes sadly.”

You can only imagine the frowny face he makes at you whenever he doesn’t approve or like something. It always turns out to be funny.

You giggle into the phone shaking your head slightly, “ Of course. You are in Europe Charlie. Where are you getting food from anyway if you are on base?’’

‘‘ I can go off base to a certain mileage when I am off duty. I just have to report back in time. But you do know that you can always come live on base with me...’ He trails off.

Oh boy. Here he goes. He’s always talking about moving you on base with him. Hell, he’s been talking about it since before he had to go to be based in Europe. By then you were twenty years old and old enough to live by yourself. Growing up in Daegu, Korea since you were six, you felt as if Korea was home to you and you definately weren’t ready to leave yet.

Especially, after losing your parents here. Around eight years old, your aunt and mother were on the way to pick up your father from the airport. With your mom and dad also being military and based in Korea with your dad’s bestfriend, your uncle Charlie, your father had been called to take military leave to go and be based in Korea for the National Guard.

On the way back from the airport, a drunk driver had struck the car knocking them off the road and colliding head first into the railing of the bridge. All bodies were reported dead upon collision, including your aunt. Charlie didn’t take the news well at all, and so did you. Only eight years old and still a bit new to a foreign country. It was devistating for you and Charlie. Charlie did what was right and stepped up to be your legal guardian while taking some time off from the military. Till this day, he treats you like his sacred little daughter and you can’t ask for anyone better than him.

 “You are old enough to live on your own and housing is avail-”

You jump at his voice on the line again, being too spaced out from the tragic memory. Before he can go on any longer you cut him off. ‘‘ Im fine with the apartment you left me. Im paying the bills on time and taking good care of it.”

‘‘ Alright fine. But that option is always available you hear me? I will always be ready for you to come with me.’’

‘‘ Okay Charlie” You groan.

‘‘ Alright.. sweetie it’s getting late on this side and it’s already 3 am on your side. Get some sleep okay? Don’t you have a model shoot thingy or something? You have those a lot.’‘

‘‘ Yes i actually do in a couple of hours. It’s been a while since I’ve did a shoot. Please eat and sleep well. Don’t injure yourself.’‘

‘‘ I promise. You promise to do the same right?’‘ He says, rustling movements are in the background.

‘‘ Yes I promise. Good night sleep tight..’‘ You smile as you wait for him to finish the rest.

He chuckles one last time on the other end, ‘‘I’ll always love you, goodnight‘’

Beep Beep Beep

You in a racy light pink lingerie with white duvets and sheets is the concept of your comeback. It’s supposed to symbolize the “Night After’’. Camera’s click and directors yell and praise you in your subtle yet damaging moves and facial expressions. You want.. no need for this comeback to be successful. Not only did your manager schedule this, but she is making sure that they release this same very day.

Nobody in this company’s industry has ever did this before. But you, you are sort of the special one. The special foreigner as they say. It’s not like you don’t like it but you don’t like that they label you as that. Stylists, employee’s hell even anybody who works there treat you as a princess. It’s not bad, but it’s just weird.

‘‘ One last one. Give me a sexy yet innocent look mama.’‘ Elliot, the director says, smiling wide at you.

You slip a finger into your mouth and do a little pout with your lips.

Elliot busts out into a roar of happiness with his hands clapping furiously. ‘‘That’s it mama yes! That’s just what we needed!’‘

Adjusting his microphone earpiece, he turns around to greet and thank everyone, ‘‘ Alright everybody this concludes our shooting! You all worked so hard today. Make it home safe, eat well.’‘

Finally. You sigh out in relief and close your eyes. It’s been a long day. Almost 6 hours of shooting. Three Videos, and five swap outfits for each session of shooting for the ‘’ Night After’’.  As everyone heads out and starts cleaning up you bow your head slightly and thank them.

A stylist brings you a satin robe to cover yourself in. You thank her and put it on just before getting up from the bed and walking towards wardrobe. Once you are done putting on your clothes, your manager leads you straight out the exit. Outside awaits the car that drives you everywhere. Literally everywhere.

‘‘ Tomorrow somebody has put in a special request for you to appear as the main lead girl in their music video. It’s short notice and I told them I would have to bump some things around and notify you. But they are paying us and you good money to be in it.’‘

Money? Sounds like a plan.

‘‘ It’s fine. Who am I shooting for?’‘ You say, fluffing your hair just a little while inspecting yourself in the rear view mirror.

Your makeup is still intact with no ruins and the contacts they had given you suited you very well. A hazel with a slight bit of teal. Suddenly the car moves off into the busy streets of Seoul. You can’t help but to notice every couple that walks along the sidewalks. They seem so happy, glad to be around each other.

On the floor of the car lies your little mini backpack filled with all of your items and belongings. Picking it up, you begin to dig through it looking for some hand lotion to soothe your semi-dry hands. Once you find it you gently start to squeeze the tube.

‘‘ Kim Namjoon.’‘

You freeze. Namjoon? The same Namjoon from the group? Joonie? It’s been well… a year since you’ve seen him in person. Hell since you’ve seen all of Bangtan Sonyeondan together. Except for lastnight when Hoseok and.. that guy showed up.

You sigh already knowing the answer from the question you are about to ask.

‘‘ From…?’‘ You ask then put the lotion back in your bag. Slowly you rub your hands together to moisturize.

Your manager quickly flips through the daily planner, ‘‘ Bangtan Sonyeodan but this is for one of his mixtape songs.’‘

Thank goodness.

‘‘ That’s fine. What time will the car be arriving tomorrow?’‘

‘‘ 8 am on the dot. You need to be there by 8:30. I’ll be tending to one of my other models tomorrow so you will be alone. I can send som-’‘

‘‘ No no it’s truly okay. I know how to manage things myself. Besides, I learn from you.’‘ You reassure her with one of your winning smiles, laying your head on her shoulder.

‘‘ Aigoo what am I going to do with you?’‘

The day ends very well. The movies you’ve been watching have kept you occupied. But not occupied enough for you to keep crying at all the sad parts in the chick flicks. Breakups, someone had died, someone had even just spilled something onto the floor and that was enough to send you into tears.Only because when the main lead boy rushed to help clean it up, it reminded you of Jimin last-night helping Isabel.

‘’What is going on with myself.’’ You blow your nose into a tissue for what seemed like the thousandth time today. Clara lets out one of her meows beside you then goes back to grooming herself.

You place her onto your lap and begin to run your fingers through her fur over and over again. Such a soothing effect to you as you stare into space sulking in your thoughts.

Why is it that you weren’t enough for him? Why is it that every single little thing reminds you of him? You gave him your all and he gave you his but what happened? Where did you go wrong? Cooked, cleaned, satisfied his needs. You guys had even started to plan out what you wanted out of a family. When you wanted a baby and what you would name it. It was fun. The whole relationship was fun. Right until that scandal.

Ding.. Ding.. Ding.. DI-

You unlock your phone immediately to stop that annoying dinging noise. Not surprisingly it’s a text from Jeon Jungkook.

Kookie : Im coming over I’ll be there in exactly 3 minutes.

Kookie: Don’t think about leaving either.

Kookie: Im bringing someone with me.

Kookie: We need to have a serious talk babycheeks.

You roll your eyes at the nickname he’s given you. No matter how many times you tell him you want him to change it, he declines. There’s no point in asking anymore.

Why would he want to talk anyways and who is the person he’s bringing. Eh.. it might just be Ryan they seem to do everything together as a team.

As soon as you step foot out of your bed the sound the door clicking makes your head shoot up. How in the living hell does he know the password to your house? Rage takes over you. That’s something that you hate. When people invade your personal space. In this case, personal home.

‘‘ Jeon fucking Jungkook!’‘ You scream, abruptly stomping your feet all the way to and out your bedroom door. Suddenly you stop at the sight of the two faces staring back at you.

Jungkook’s expression holds a concerned yet upset face while the other just stands there calm and cool. But you on the other hand are way besides that level.

Your eyes must be filled with rage and the expression on your face is no good. How dare he disrespect you like that? Bringing him into your home, knowing the bad blood between you two. Oh, they both have something coming towards them. You begin to walk to them again making each step make the floor shake.

‘‘ Get out. Both of you. One you invade my personal private home..’‘

You grab both boys by their collars, making sure to grip the one on the right’s harder than usual. ‘‘ Two, you fucking invite him over here.’‘ You drag each of them towards the exit. Which is going good until Jungkook rips your hands away from his shirt and takes you over his shoulder.

You’ve had enough of him and his invasive ways. Pounding on his back with your fists, you make sure to scream into his ear. “ Put me the fuck down Jeon Jungko-”

You hiss at the stinging sensation on your ass. Did he just? Jimin stands there awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. You make sure to make eye contact with him and roll your eyes. Something that always had and will piss him off.

‘‘ Hush. I told you all of us needed to have a deep talk about you.’‘

Jungkook plops your frail body onto one side of the couch in which he sits next to you. He motions for Jimin to come sit across from the both of you but you aren’t having it.

‘‘ Don’t you do it.” You glare at him. Jungkook sighs harshly only to pluck your forehead two times. You whine and rub it with your index and middle finger.

Jungkook shakes his head in disapproval, ‘‘ When are you ever going to learn? Jimin sit down now.”

‘‘ Truthfully.. I feel as though I shouldn’t be here so-”

“ Good. Get out you are unwanted.” You snap back causing him to give you one of his long stares with no facial expression at all.

Jungkook glares at you just before getting up to throw his hands in the air full of disappointment. “ Enough! “

Yelling. Something else you don’t like to hear being done at yourself. You finally sit still and quite avoiding any eye contact with the both of them.

He sits back down and clears his throat. Jungkook gives Jimin a look before continuing on.

‘‘ I gathered us here to talk about you..”

‘‘ Why. Im fine. How many times do I have to say it. Im fine im fine im fine im fucking fine!’‘ You exclaim, getting more mad by the second. When will people accept this?

‘‘ Baby.. ’‘

Your eyes shoot up to him and his soft voice. You didn’t want to but you did because his voice to you is like candy that melts into your mouth.

‘‘ Don’t call me that. You have a girlfriend at-least be loyal to her rather than what you did to me.’‘

‘‘ Fuck is anybody going to just sit here and listen? Can we at-least get to the source of the problem? Huh?’‘ Jungkook leans back into the couch clearly pissed by your attitude.

Jimin’s the first to speak and holds a firm eye contact with you, almost daring you to break away from it.

‘‘ Fine. Im just going to cut straight to it then. Why are you so jealous? You aren’t okay at all. I seen the way you looked at us yesterday. You wanted to break down so bad but you didn’t. It looks like you’ve been dropping weight day by day why aren’t you eating well?’’

You’re taken a-back by his jealous comment. Although you are you just cannot admit it. You are jealous. You do want him back. You cant bear to see him with another girl but you. But the fact that Jimin is concerned makes you really hope. Just hope that there is something left of you still in his heart.

‘‘ Jealous? Jealous tuh.” You scoff, leaning into Jungkook’s arms where you rest his head on your chest. You only do this just to see Jimin’s reaction and by the look on his face he doesn’t enjoy that move one bit.

‘‘ Yes jealous. I mean why else would you put almond extra-

‘‘ Woah. No need to go there. We established that it was a so called accident lastnight.” Jungkook does finger quotes into the air and looks down at you.

You lift your head up and furrow your eyebrows in annoyance, “ So called? So you really believe that I did it on purpose. Wow Jungkook. Escort yourself out.’’

He sighs, wrapping his arms around you securly in hopes of you settling down a  little, “ Honestly it’s not like that. I wasn’t there to see you bake them nor was I watching her eat it. Im just saying that you knew Jimin was coming and obviously his girlfriend was going to come too. It’s a little sketchy is all.”

There’s no fixing what he said. Him adding onto his explanation just made things sound worse than what he’s trying to say. You don’t have time to be ganged up on, nor like it at all. It’s best if they both just leave, to not turn nothing into something.

‘‘ Get out. Now. Before I call and tell Ryan what you said and then she’ll definitely deal with you.’‘ You say, removing yourself from off of him and onto the other side of the couch with your legs crossed.

Mad isn’t even the word to describe yourself right now. You’re just a mixture of all emotions.

Jungkook now looks of sorriness written all over his face. You bite your lip and shake your head while pointing towards the door. He sighs heavily and takes one last look at you while removing himself from the couch. You watch him slip on his coat and shoes.

Jimin gets up from his spot on the couch, ‘‘ I’ll be leav-”

‘‘ Sit down we aren’t done talking.” 

He looks at you with his eyebrows furrowed, sitting back down slowly.

Jungkook keeps his head down as he wraps his blue scarf around his neck. Poor baby, but he shouldn’t of said it. “Please better yourself and talk it out with each-other. Im leaving.”

‘‘ Make it home safely.. Kookie.” You sigh once the door closes behind him. Now you’re here. Face to face with Park Jimin.

The same Jimin who cheated on you. The same Jimin you haven’t seen in a while. You take a few moments to take in his appearance. He seems to have re-gained his muscles that are peaking through his black, longsleeve shirt. His thighs are still thick, just like his luscious lips. Of course he changed his hair color to black. But who knows, he might change it again.

‘‘ You’ve been doing well?’‘ You say, voice low but enough for him to hear. You drop your eyes to your lap instead of keeping intact with his.

‘‘ Yes. But you have not. Im disappointed in you. Why are you doing this to yourself? Don’t do this because of me.”

‘‘ Jimin you don’t know the feeling. You don’t know how it feels to be left wondering why you weren’t good enough for someone. Why they had cheated on you. You don’t understand at all and wont ever.’‘ Your voice cracks on the last sentence and you an feel the lump in your throat become sore.

He bites his lip unsure of what to say next. Those words had hit him good inside. ‘‘ Im sorry. I truly am. But you know the reason why we had to end it. I fucked up bad and the media was making the scandal bigger and messier day by day. It was better to just call it off.’‘

One by one your tears start to drop. You nose begins it’s running trip but you sniffle it back up.

‘‘ You could of denied it. You know you could of made a statement and denied it. But you felt something for her didn’t you? Didn’t you?’‘ You semi-yell, sobs already starting to take it’s way over.

He bites his lip once again and ruffles his fingers through his hair, “ Baby..’’

You wipe your tears with your hands making your face even more puffy from the crying. “ I am jealous. I am I admit it Jimin. But do you know i have been suffering for one year and two months? I can’t sleep at night because im so used to your touch at night. I look at every couple in Seoul and think to myself, Dang they seem so happy. What’s their secret?’’

Jimin sits up, making eye contact with you with tears welling up into his eyes. It hurt’s you more than yourself to see him crying. It always has.

‘‘ Please don’t do that. Don’t do this to yourself. Please get help from someone to try and move on. Please. I don’t like to see or hear you make yourself suffer.’ He begs, getting up from his seat and coming towards you.

Jimin sits next to you, hesitantly opening his arms up to you. Would it be wrong to embrace him? He’s being too sincere, but thats what you want right? You decide to just do it, and lean into him only for him to pull you in closer into his chest.You just lay there crying and sobbing while he runs his fingers through your hair. You shouldn’t be doing this. He has a girlfriend. But it feels so right.

‘‘ What does she have that I don’t? Why couldn’t you love me the same way you love her “  You cry into his chest, soaking his shirt with your tears. 

You’d been waiting for this moment to just let it out. Let everything out.

‘’ Please don’t make this harder than what it is right now. Just try and forget me and move on. Please.” Hypocritcal. How does he expect you to get over him when he’s the one whos holding you so tight right now. Soon enough his sniffles join yours in harmony.

You raise your head up and look him deep into the eyes while you wipe away his tears, “ Don’t cry Jimin. I’m the one supposed to be crying over you. Don’t cry.’’

He takes your hand away from his face and wraps his fist ontop of yours, “Please promise me you will move on okay?’’

You shake your head no, “ I can’t make that promise.”

He doesn’t say anything. He gently cradles you in his arms and lifts you up. You don’t think to where he is going. You just close your eyes and grab onto his shirt firmly not wanting to let go.

Soon enough you feel the cold sheets over your bed. He covers you in the duvet and leans down to your forehead.  A kiss. Your fist is still locked onto his shirt in which he tries to pry it away but you don’t want to let him go. He sighs and raises his arms up as he takes off the shirt revealing an extra plain white wife beater under it. Taking your other hand, he wraps your hand into another fist onto the shirt to where both of your hands are holding onto it.

‘‘ Please better yourself for me baby. Sleep and eat well. “

Is all he says before turning off the lights and walking out your bedroom door.  You can hear him putting on and zipping up his heavy coat but you just don’t make a sound.

The apartment door clicks and beeps letting you know he’s already gone.

[malfoysstilinski]

girl in the mirror pt2 | DRACO MALFOY

MASTERLIST

PAIRING: Draco Malfoy x Muggle!Reader

SUMMARY: part two of girl in the mirror. draco meets his soulmate for the first time. she’s pretty cool for a muggle, but reveals something that has him heading back to hogwarts a little less than happy. 

WARNINGS: none i think?  

A/N: i dont think americans have houses and i assume most of my readers are american,, so in case its confusing obviously theyre like harry potter houses, but jk rowling made it ten times more dramatic and a main part of her story. we dont really care about houses irl. 

Explaining to you that Draco was a wizard was one of the most frustrating and hardest things the blond boy had ever had to do. Only hours later were you starting to reluctantly believe that he was telling the truth. He’d been reluctant to tell you, but since you were his soulmate, you were allowed to know. You had the right. 

The pair of you hadn’t even realised how much time had gone by, sat on your bed as you stare at him unsurely. 

“You look as though you still don’t believe me,” Draco says. “I’ve shown you my wand.”

“Yes, but you’ve not shown me any real magic, have you?” You raise an eyebrow, folding your arms across your chest. 

“I told you, I have to wait a few months ‘till I’m seventeen,” Draco reminds you with a roll of the eyes. “Then I’ll show you something.”

You sigh, not wanting to believe him but having a funny feeling that he was telling the truth. I mean, how else could you explain the fact that he had literally fallen through your mirror? 

“So... We’re soulmates,” you repeat from earlier, before the two of you had fought over whether or not Draco was really a wizard. 

“Yeah,” Draco whispers with a nod. “You know what that is, right?”

“I guess,” you mumble, hugging your arms closer to yourself. “But why is your soulmate not... magic as well?”

Draco shrugs. “Happens sometimes,” he says. “Never ever to a Malfoy...” He looks a little paler as he says so. “But I suppose there’s a first for everything.”

You wonder why it’s a big deal for a member of his family to be put with ‘a Muggle’ as he had called you before. 

“Enough about me,” Draco claps his hands together when he sees the clogs in your brain turning. “Let me find out about you. Please. I’ve been wondering about you since the day I turned thirteen.”

“There’s not much to say,” you sigh. “I guess I just go to school... come home... homework... maybe hang out with friends sometimes.” 

Draco seems interested despite your negative mood, sitting up straighter with an eager look behind his silver eyes and an encouraging small smile on his face.

 He looks odd sat on your bed. He truly does look like some sort of magical being with his pale features and icy hair, and the black suit and turtleneck and polished shoes make him look like he belongs truly where he says he’s from-- a castle or something. Not your bedroom that screams twenty-first century teenage girl.  

“Well, tell me about school,” Draco suggests, glancing you over. “Your tie is red. Is that your house?”

You glance down with a frown, pulling at your tie. “Hm? Oh, no. I’m in Austen. The yellow house.”

Draco frowns. “Is that good or bad?”

You frown back, raising a brow at him. “I mean... we won the most house points last year? Not really a big deal. Oh, and we won house games, like, two years in a row.”

“Not a big deal?” Draco scoffs. “Well done, Y/N! That is a great deal.”

You stare at him like he’s grown two heads. “Thanks? I’m assuming houses are a big deal at your school?”

“Well, of course,” he says rather arrogantly. “I’m a Slytherin. How were you sorted into your house? Do you take personality quizzes in the Muggle world?”

“No,” you giggle slightly and Draco’s heart skips a beat at the sound. “You just get put into whatever house depending on what tutor group you’re in. I switched from green to yellow half way through secondary school because our tutor group got full.”

Draco had never looked so confused. He wonders how Muggles are even motivated to do well when their house points don’t even really mean anything to them. 

He knows a few things about Muggles-- he knows they definitely do not play Qudditch on flying brooms and would much rather play football. He guesses their house games are like that. 

“My tie’s red because I’m a prefect,” you say and reach into your bedside drawer, producing a red badge with ‘prefect’ written in gold on it. 

Draco’s grin brightens, taking it from you as he scans it over. “Oh, they look just like ours!”

You laugh at his eagerness. “That’s good.”

There’s a moment of silence and Draco peers at all of the records placed on your wall. He stands and moved to look at some of the vinyl covers, pointing at your The Neighbourhood one, releasing a huff of air past his nose and glancing over his shoulder back at you. 

“You listen to this one all the time,” Draco states. “I like the one about jumper weather or something.”

You laugh and nod. “Sweater Weather. It’s a good song...” You trail off. “You know, I don’t really understand your music. You only seem to listen to classical.” 

“That’s me,” Draco says, scratching the back of his neck. “Playing the piano. I don’t- I don’t really listen to music much. I never really have to when you listen to it 24/7 anyway.”

You look away with a small blush on your face, bashful. “Sorry.”

“No, no, no,” Draco moves to sit beside you on your bed. “I love it, actually. It makes assemblies less boring and sleeping in a dorm far more bearable.” 

“I’m glad,” you say. “Do you want to listen to something now?”

Draco’s breath hitches because it’s all he’s ever wanted. He nods slowly, scared that you would laugh in his face and take your suggestion back. You grab your phone off of your bedside table and press shuffle on a playlist. Draco can’t believe how weird it is to hear your music playing but not have it muffled in his ears as if he was underwater. 

He watches with parted lips as you slide down so you’re laying on your bed, staring at the ceiling. Draco looks at you like you put the stars and the moon in the sky. You might be just a Muggle, but you’re magic to him. The true definition of it. 

Slowly, unsure if he’s crossing a line or not, Draco slides down so he’s lying beside you on your bed, on his back like you. You both stare at your ceiling and he notices that you have constellations painted on it. He nearly melts when he sees ‘Draco’, one of the biggest ones. 

He slides his hand down the small gap in between you and hesitantly holds your hand before guiding it up above your heads. It’s not like real stargazing, but Draco likes it. Maybe one day he would be able to sneak you to the Astronomy Tower and show you the same sky he stares at most nights. 

“That’s Draco,” he says. 

You smile as you turn to face him and Draco shuffles to face you too, the only sounds being your small breaths and an Arctic Monkeys song playing behind you. 

“Maybe I always knew?” You suggest. 

“Maybe,” Draco chuckles back and turns to look up at the ceiling. 

You spend a few seconds admiring his side profile; his sharp jaw and the strength of his nose. It’s hard to be scared of the stranger when he’s so beautiful and feels so familiar. Like a puzzle piece you’d been looking for. 

“You’ve only been playing sad songs recently,” Draco says quietly after a little bit. “Is everything okay with you? I was worried... so I asked my friend to teach me how to do the mirror trick.”

You frown a little at the reminder and immediately grow embarrassed. You’re not sure if you should make up a lie or try to change the subject, but Draco seems really concerned and you’d feel awful lying. 

“My... Well, um, my boyfriend broke up with me,” you say awkwardly. 

You feel Draco stiffen beside you. He sits up after a few seconds. He knows it’s not really your fault but he can’t help feeling jealous and angry. He swallows as he stares at a spot on your carpet, unsure how to feel knowing that his soulmate had been with another person. 

He needed a moment to think. He didn’t want to scare you with his harsh words or looks.

“I should get back,” Draco mutters, trying to make his voice sound strong as he stands.

“Draco, I--”

“It’s nearly what? Four in the morning? I should of been going ages ago anyway,” he forces you a grim smile as he heads towards the mirror. “I’ll try and talk to you tomorrow, Y/N.”

You watch with a saddened expression as Draco slips his hand through the glass or your mirror and is suddenly gone. You push yourself up from the mattress and rush over, your fingertips brushing it but coming to a dead end. You blink back tears, wondering if you had just imagined the entire thing. 

You stare into the mirror, unaware that Draco is sadly staring back. 

...

i know it’s a lil dramatic but that’s draco for you and teen love in general tbh 

[missmungoe]

What’s your idea about Makino’s little ring in the cover of chapter 806?

So I’m not sure if you’re asking me what I think the ring means (in which case, see: https://archiveofourown.org/series/581281), or if this is a prompt, but I don’t think the ring is an accidental detail, and as she had a child during the timeskip, it’s not unreasonable to assume it’s a wedding ring. I have >1.6 million words written about who I hope wears the matching one, but until “that man’s” identity is confirmed, it’s just a tantalising possibility, alas!

But even if the ring doesn’t mean what I hope it does, it doesn’t need to for my imagination to make it so, and just in case this was a writing prompt, here’s a little something I’ve been tinkering with, originally in answer to a completely different prompt, but since they went well together, I combined them:

The thing with feathers, that perches in the soul // Shanks x Makino; rated M (part 1/?)

“Take it off?”

Surprise lifted her voice, her laugh small and startled, but then she’d been caught off guard by the request, made out of the blue one morning.

The sun was taking its time, rising from its slumber with a lazy stretch across her floors, a slight chill still touching the salt air where she’d thrown the windows open. A thick cover of sea mist draped heavily over the water, soft as chiffon where it crept up the shoreline to the foundations of her bar; a protective shroud veiling her little corner of the world, half-forgotten by the rest.

Shanks had been reading the paper while she got ready to open, a routine they’d created, bit by bit over the months he’d stayed, communicated in touches and gestures―the chairs taken down from the tables while she had her back turned; a cup of coffee placed by his elbow before he could request it―no words needed between them in this first, tender hour, and so she’d been startled when he’d spoken.

She considered him across the counter, the glass she’d been polishing cupped idly between her hands. The look on his face was unusually serious, which told her what he had in mind wasn’t roleplay. Not the kind she would have expected him to suggest, anyway.

Unease crept with a shiver up her back, and she had an inkling already before Shanks said, evenly, “If anyone shows up, I want you to take your ring off. And I’m not talking about Garp, although this is probably the only time he’d agree with me.”

“But I don’t want to take it off,” Makino said, tucking her fingers around the hand that wore it, as though that could somehow keep it there.

She saw his eyes going to it, before they lifted to hers, the barest furrow between his brows betraying a rare tension. “It would be safer.”

“But who’s going to make the connection? It’s not like it has ‘property of Red-Haired Shanks’ inscribed on it.”

His lips didn’t even quirk, which was so jarring her own smile fell. She knew him so well, it was only rarely that he ever responded in a way she didn’t expect, but it was becoming clear to her now that whatever was on his mind, it couldn’t be smoothed over with jokes.

She took in his face, his handsome features arranged in a look she wasn’t used to seeing, a hardness about him that didn’t belong here, on her gentle shores―that belonged to a different sea, one that asked different things of him, things she couldn’t ask, and she hated it now for finding him here, and for infringing on her peace as she’d made it.

Her eyes darted to the paper, open on the counter, wondering if something in it had inspired this change, but seeing the way he looked at her, behind the counter that was the only protection she’d ever needed, Makino knew it wasn’t anything in the news, but something they’d both known had been coming for a while. Ever since he’d come back, it had waited in the wings, a silent patron she could ignore most days, too happy to pay it any mind, but there was no ignoring it now that he’d brought it up.

They’d been holding off discussing his departure, even as she’d known it was bound to catch up with them eventually. But while she’d made her peace with him leaving, knowing he’d come back, the thought of giving up the tangible reminder she had of that promise met resistance now.

She’d spent ten years hinging her hopes on nothing but her memories, trying to convince herself she hadn’t imagined the promise he’d made her. Now they were married, and there was more than words binding them, and even the sea had to respect these vows, spoken on the deck of his ship, no church or mortal court to give their blessing, only that bottomless cathedral, and the ancient authority that had witnessed their union.

She felt the metal of her wedding band, warmed by her fingers. Their rings had been wrought from the chain of the anchor that had first dropped in her port twelve years ago, but it wasn’t sentimental value that made her react so fiercely now, at the thought of parting with it.

She didn’t want to take it off―to pretend she hadn’t made that vow, or that the last two years hadn’t happened. The ring was a declaration of what she was, the only way she could declare it, when the world couldn’t know she existed. She refused to give that up, and to pretend she was anything less than she was, even just for show.

“It’s not like there’s any evidence tracing back to you,” Makino said, when he hadn’t spoken. “We don’t have a marriage certificate in the records that they can dig up.” Ben had been the one to marry them; an old sailor’s tradition, shamelessly borrowed with a pirate’s cheerful contempt of the law; the flowers in her hair new as snow, and the sea their something blue. Unconventional by most standards, but she couldn’t have imagined it any other way.

Shanks wasn’t budging. “It’s just safer if people believe you’re unmarried.”

“The whole village was at our wedding, Shanks. Half of them got blackout drunk, but I think they remember.” Her own memories were blurry at best, flowers crumbling under her bare feet, and laughing as he spun her, a wedding shanty that put their vows to shame, and laughter she could still feel in the bottom of her stomach.

The following hangover, though; that she remembered.

Still no smile, but then she heard how her attempted humour faltered, buckling under his seriousness. She didn’t like what it made of his face; the one she only knew as smiling.

“Not the village,” Shanks said, with a look and a pitch that said he knew she was being obstinate, and that left her breath feeling a little faint. He didn’t use that tone with her often, at least outside of more intimate settings, and she didn’t like it being invoked here, and in this way.

Shifting her weight, she squared her shoulders, all of her five feet brandished against his six and more, although even seated, it didn’t give her an advantage, but she saw the way his brow furrowed, as she said, gently firm, “I’m not taking it off.”

She didn’t know if the look on his face was affection or exasperation. “Can’t you just agree with me on this?”

“No.”

“Makino―”

“If anyone asks, I’ll just say my husband is out working the fields,” she said. “What are they going to do, go out and check? Because I can ask one of the farmers to put up a scarecrow by one of the ploughs.”

Her stubborn levity made no headway, his hardened features untouched, but she didn’t give in, her chin lifted as she stared him down across the countertop.

Then with a sigh, “You’d at least have to pick a believable lie,” Shanks relented, after enduring a full thirty seconds of her eyes. His look softened a bit. “And make it a good-looking scarecrow.”

“It could be asleep at the plough,” Makino suggested. “If we’re going for accuracy.” Her smile trembled, before it fell when he didn’t return it.

It was hard to swallow past the knot in her throat, and she heard it in her voice when she said, “I’ll tell them you’re out fishing.”

“And if they stick around and I never come in?”

“I’ll tell them I hope the sea king didn’t get you?”

This time she couldn’t even attempt a smile, and when his expression still didn’t change, she said, without teasing, “Then I’ll tell them you’re in Goa Port picking up a shipment of spirits. You’re a barkeep, but it’s hard getting orders delivered here. It’s a long way to Goa, too. You’ll be gone until tomorrow, at the earliest.”

“And if they come back and I’m still not around?”

She might have made another suggestion, but recognised from the stubborn set of his jaw that he wasn’t backing down.

His face changed then, something like regret chasing across it, there before it was gone, and she didn’t understand why before Shanks said, with a heaviness that held an almost portentous note, “Say that you’re a widow.”

She was surprised by the forcefulness of her own reaction.

“No.”

He sighed. “Makino―”

“No,” she repeated, fiercely. “I won’t.”

She saw that she wasn’t the only one surprised by her reaction. And she didn’t even know why it hit her so hard. She couldn’t claim to be particularly superstitious. Her mother had been too practical for superstition, but she’d also respected the sea; they all did here, who lived their lives beside it. It was a more pragmatic relationship than a sailor might devote himself to, which often had an air of fancy about it, but even if they didn’t read omens from the sky or pray to any gods, there was an implicit understanding among them that you didn’t challenge those forces lightly. They were thankful for fair weather and a good catch, but they didn’t invoke the Fates here, or seek to challenge them.

But the man seated across the counter from her had the authority to do that; the one who’d carved a place for himself on a sea most never lived to sail, one of few who could claim the kind of power it took to challenge that old authority.

She wasn’t like him. She knew what was owed; a debt she’d been paying for twelve years, for wanting him. She didn’t want to invoke that word, the fate that was all too common for those who gave their hearts to sailors, in case she invoked prophecy along with it.

Putting away the glass, Makino pressed her palms over the polished countertop. She saw how they shook, and the still-new gleam of her wedding ring where it circled her finger, but then she hadn’t been wearing it long enough for it to get scratches.

She didn’t want that to be their marriage, taken off when the going got tough, forever keeping its shiny new exterior. She wanted it to show signs of wear, of work, and love―of actually being a marriage, and not just when it was convenient, or safe.

“I’m your wife,” she said gently, although the fervour behind it refused to bend against her own fears. “I want to be your wife, even if I’m here and you’re not―”

The words faltered on her tongue, but then there was a reason she’d been avoiding thinking about him leaving.

Shanks’ look softened, some of the tension in his brow yielding as he said, understanding, “The ring isn’t what makes you my wife.”

“I know that,” Makino said softly. Turning her hand, she gripped his fingers. He wore his ring now, but she knew he wouldn’t take the risk when he left. But she understood that, even if part of her rebelled against doing the same. “It’s not like I don’t understand where you’re coming from. I know it’s a risk. What I’m saying is that I’m willing to take it.” To be what she was, she’d accept the danger that came with it. That was her marriage vows. Not empty platitudes about sickness and health, only the simple, unembellished truth.

Shanks said nothing, his gaze on their hands, but the look in his eyes like he wasn’t seeing a ring but a shackle, and a different kind of prophecy than the one she feared.

She decided to try a different tactic.

“If pretending is what you want me to do, I could always get someone from Dadan’s family to stand in as my husband,” Makino said, and saw him look up, the slightest tightening at the corners of his eyes betraying his otherwise unreadable expression.

Turning his hand over between her own, she traced the sword-callouses in his palm, the softer pads of her fingers catching against the rougher skin. “Magra, maybe,” she continued, and watched the barest flex of his fingers. “I’ve heard he’s quite handy. We could tell people we met when he helped me carry a keg from the storeroom.” Lifting her eyes found him watching her, but she only met his gaze calmly, as she asked him, “What do you think? Would he make me a good stand-in husband?”

His eyes held hers, her gentle challenge noted, the look in them somewhere between knowing and warning, and this time it sent an entirely different kind of shiver racing up her spine.

Undeterred, she lowered her eyes to their hands, smoothing her thumb over his knuckles, pale under his sun-darkened skin. “Maybe he could help me out around the bar. To keep up appearances.”

Flicking her eyes up to his, she went in for the kill. “He could even stay in the guest room. Just to be safe.”

His whole look darkened, and her stomach did a thrilling little flip.

“Don’t like that idea, hmm?” she asked, and tried to pretend her voice didn’t shiver, but it was hard when he was looking at her like that. “Me with someone else.” She trailed her fingertips across the back of his hand, her own so small she couldn’t even cover half of it with all her fingers splayed. “A different man in my house.” A fleeting caress to his wrist felt the tendons in his forearm, pulled taut with a strain that left her feeling suddenly short of breath, even as she said, demure, “And my pantry.”

“You’re playing a very dangerous game, wife.”

The pitch of his voice had goosebumps pebbling her flesh, his naturally deep timbre touched with a note of warning that stirred something deep within her, although she couldn’t tell which was the fiercer feeling, desire or relief, finding her cheek finally parried with something other than that hard expression that couldn’t be coaxed into yielding, no matter how gentle her touches.

“Well,” Makino said, and even teasing, the sincerity was real when she told him softly, her small hand gripping his, mapped with the evidence of his life, their marriage included, “I don’t mind a little danger.”

Then, this time without teasing, “I married you,” she said, and didn’t care that her voice trembled now. She wasn’t hiding her feelings. “And I’ll be careful, but I won’t hide what I am, or pretend that I’m something else. Or someone else’s.”

Bearing the weight of his eyes, she didn’t shy away from them, or from the truth as she spoke it.

“I’m yours,” she told him, fiercely, and felt the way his hand tightened under hers. “And if they come here and they already know about me, nothing I say or do will change their minds. The ring won’t matter. And there are things I can’t hide that easily.”

She glanced towards the crib behind the counter; the one they’d fashioned out of an old barrel of their captain’s favourite whiskey. She’d found the gesture both characteristically inappropriate and undeniably perfect, but then she’d spent her first years sleeping in a liquor crate while her mother worked. And their child wasn’t just the son of a pirate; he was the son of a barmaid, too.

She saw Shanks’ gaze going to it, and the baby sleeping within. And it was more than her lack of protection that weighed on him, she knew, but as long as he was who he was, there would be a risk in being associated with him. Even retiring wouldn’t change what he’d been. Not in the eyes of the current Fleet Admiral, anyway.

And since it wasn’t something either of them could change, she was determined to make the best of the situation, but then she was good at that.

She thought it was time to remind him just how good.

It was still a little while before they were due to open, and smiling, “You could always help me practice my ruse,” Makino suggested, and saw his brows lifting, bemusement at what she had planned easing some of the tension from his features.

Leaning across the counter, she trailed her fingers along his wrist, following the contours of his arm, and the distracting tautness of corded muscle under her fingertips, “My husband isn’t here, officer,” she said, looking up at him through her lashes. “It’s just me: a very lonely barmaid with a very spacious pantry.”

Her face fell when he pinched his lips, before his grin shattered his whole composure, and, “Wait,” she said, drawing back to stutter, “That sounded better in my head. What I meant was that―”

A broad hand reached around the back of her neck, pulling her in for a kiss that stole what she’d been about to say, and muffling her startled laugh, although his own was quick to follow, deep and rough where it rose from his chest, the kiss breaking when he couldn’t contain his grin.

Drawing back enough to look at her, he sighed, rough fingers slipping from her neck to tuck her hair behind her ear. “God, you’re terrible at this,” Shanks said, with such a fierce affection, her heart constricted. “Completely unconvincing.”

Balancing on her toes, the edge of the counter dug into her ribs, but the discomfort was fleeting and unimportant. Her smile trembled on her mouth, inches from his, his beard brushing her jaw as she murmured, “I know.”

Closing her eyes, she kissed him softly, her hands cupping his face, no pretence this time, only the honest truth, offered with all of herself, the only way she knew how.

He’d moved before she could react, the kiss breaking only for a second, and she’d barely had time to catch her breath when his mouth claimed hers again, his arm wrapping around her as he pushed her back towards the storeroom, and the door where it sat ajar.

They stumbled over the doorstep, fumbling between sloppy kisses, like they were in that moment younger people with less to lose, her little laughing shriek muffled against his lips when he hoisted her up onto the shelf where her ledger lay open, and she couldn’t contain her giggles even as he shushed her through grinning kisses, knowing from experience how little it took to rouse a three-month old baby but unable to help herself, something wild and reckless pushing like wings against her ribcage, refusing to stay hidden, wanting out, fearless in its desire, and its will to claim it.

They hadn’t brought a lantern, and the light hadn’t reached this far into her bar, the storeroom cool and dark and the heavy shelves keeping her spirits and secrets, the crates digging into her back as he pinned her to them.

“This is very rakish behaviour for a married woman,” Shanks rumbled, releasing her from the kiss, her breath hitching when his hand wrapped around her thigh, pushing her skirt out of the way. “Someone might mistake you for a pirate.”

Makino hummed, finding her balance on the shelf, her arms wrapped loosely around his neck as she swung her legs, her boots and stockings impishly bared, and saw how it drew his eyes, before she eased them apart, her smile small and demure, and utterly unconvincing. “Imagine that.”

His eyes held her, his features darkened by the shadows of her pantry, making his scars look more pronounced, but the look beneath was gentle as Shanks touched his brow to hers. His thumb traced the hem of her stocking, and the glimpse of bare skin beneath her skirt where he’d pushed it up.

The feeling from before seized her, that fearless thing, like wings waiting under her skin. And maybe it was easy to be brave here, within the walls of her pantry where it felt like nothing could touch them, but even knowing differently didn’t change what she felt, as Makino told him, soft, “Ask me again.”

His look changed, a sudden intensity in it that made her glad she was sitting, but she didn’t look away, accepting the full weight of the truth behind it, unfearing of what it meant to be loved like that, and by someone like him.

Bending his head, his mouth covered hers firmly, stuttering her breath with a gasp, a command behind it that left her hands shaking where she’d curled them around his neck, and if she’d had any more clever remarks prepared about stand-in husbands or navy officers, they fled her mind now as she melted.

The big hand around her thigh tightened its grip, his wedding ring digging into her skin, as though he could imprint something that couldn’t be taken off or hidden, that was written on her skin, on her soul, and if she could have formed the words, she might have told him he already had, but they were lost when his hand slid up her thigh to part her legs, finding her with a shuddering breath that she felt in the way it left him.

And this was another unspoken language they’d made, communicated in touches―her legs parting to him in welcome, and his hand pausing, his fingers already half inside her, asking; her breath hitching as she lifted herself up to kiss him deeper, her hands threading through his hair as she gave herself, a silent affirmation that told him to take―no words needed as he entered her, carefully even if it had been months since their son, but she appreciated the restraint he showed, even with all of him unravelling under her hands, that iron-clad control included.

Her legs wrapping around his waist pulled him deeper, her gasp stuttering with a faint little plea as he filled her to her limit. And if she hoped he’d leave something in her it was a private thought, begged with her breaths as she took him inside her, each thrust a little harder, the bottles stirring in their crates as the shelf creaked, a steady rhythm growing in tandem with her gasps.

Her hands left his jaw, fumbling with the front of her stays as she slipped loose the little hooks until it popped open, and he was already reaching for her, his fingers a shock of warmth where they slipped past the low cut of her blouse to cup one of her breasts, tiny in his hand, his sword-calluses rough where he caressed it, and her shivering moan was well received, from the deeper groan that left him, as Shanks slowed his pace, touching her as he took her, until the shelves were rattling.

Bending down, he kissed her chest, his lips seeking the wide valley between her breasts, her flushed skin pearling with sweat. His beard scuffed her breast as he pulled it free, and she gasped, arching against the shelf as he curled his tongue around a painfully sensitive nipple, her lips parting over his name where it left her in a whimper.

He came like that, her skirt shoved up her hips and her silk stockings slipping down her legs, spread to him where she sat, the pages of her ledger crumpled and damp beneath her; the stereotype of the lascivious tavern wench, but she embraced it now, shockingly indulgent in her own lewdness, watching him as he finished with deep, pulsing shudders, a groan leaving him that had her toes curling in her boots.

His eyes slitted open, the grey steel muted, but even then his full attention was arresting; a single look enough to dismiss everything else in the world, as though she was the only thing in it.

She watched as they swept across her, her breasts bared to the air and her thighs spread, his cock still inside her, but she didn’t squirm or try to hide, only allowed him to see.

Bending forward, Shanks kissed the parting of her hair, his breath winded as he leaned some of his weight on her. His knuckles brushed her cheek, catching the tears that had spilled over without her notice. His ring was cool against her skin; wrapping around the back of her neck, she felt how they shook.

Carding her fingers through his hair, she felt him exhale, but he didn’t let her go, just held her like that, the protective frame of his body between her and the door, hiding her from view, and nothing could have touched her there, in that moment.

His fingers trailed down the dip between her shoulder blades. Her blouse clung to her skin, the air within the storeroom damp and smelling of them, but she couldn’t even worry that someone would stumble across them, although had enough presence of mind to think that she should probably fix herself up before their first customers arrived, but was distracted by the deep chuckle that left him, and his voice where it rumbled into her skin,

“Where’s your husband now, barmaid?”

Her laugh trembled, and her arms tightened around his neck, pulling him closer and pressing her nose into the hollow of his throat. She loved him like this, freed of worry, if only for a little while. And that was her power; the only one she could claim, but it wasn’t a small thing in this age, to command peace.

And she knew how he expected her to react, because he knew her better than anyone, and never let an opportunity to make her flustered pass him by.

But she knew him, too, and like him, she knew exactly how to nudge him off balance. Which was why she said, demure as anything, “He’s ploughing his wife.”

She felt the hand on her neck pausing, the slight stiffening in him betraying his surprise, before his shoulders convulsed, as Shanks bent forward with a laugh.

The sound filled her, loud and lovely, but a softness about it that was hers, that tender, half-winded thing. She thought the whole village had to hear it, and that it would wake the baby, but she didn’t care, her own laughter helpless, hearing his, and feeling the way his arm tightened around her, which said more than any other gesture or word, even as Shanks murmured roughly, “I love you.”

Cupping his face with her hands, she pressed her forehead against his. “It will be okay,” Makino said, and didn’t care that she couldn’t make that promise; that there were other forces that wanted their say. But she wouldn’t hide from her choices, and him least of all. “You’ll see.”

Shanks said nothing, only held her, but he didn’t disagree this time, which she counted as a small victory, and it was what gave her the courage to quip, “And if anyone asks, I’ll tell them my husband can’t be held down. His heart belongs to the sea. It’s just the way things are, in this day and age.”

His eyes found hers. In the dim light, they looked darker, but she knew the look in them, and like the laugh, that was hers, too. “I thought we agreed that we were going for accuracy,” Shanks said. A tender smile curved his mouth, as he told her roughly, “And that you’re a terrible liar.”

Her grin couldn’t be contained, splitting her face, wide and without shame, and his.

The sound of the bat-wing doors swinging open reached them, followed by their first customers arriving, and her grin fell as horror widened her eyes, before she scrambled to pull her stays closed.

A voice from the bar drifted through the door―“Huh? Where’s Makino-chan?”

“That’s odd,” said another, as her mortification deepened, recognising one of her mother’s oldest patrons; a man who’d seen her toddle around in diapers. “Red-Hair’s not here, either. They’re usually open by now.”

Shanks’ grin grew, and she saw the punishment for her disobedience in the gleam in his eyes, and hissed, “Shanks, no―”

But she wasn’t quick enough, as he turned his head towards to call out, “She’s coming! Or she will be.” And before her horror could fully sink in, added brightly, “Just give me a few minutes to finish; I want to make sure she does.”

Her hands clapping over his mouth didn’t succeed in muffling his laughter, but then even her embarrassment couldn’t hold out against the grin that split his face now, which held no trace of his earlier seriousness, as he nipped and kissed her fingers until her mortification dissolved with her laughter.

When they emerged a few minutes later, after she’d blankly refused to let him get her off first (although had agreed to revisiting it after closing), it was to find their regulars waiting, knowing looks exchanged above poorly-stifled grins as she with every ounce of prim dignity she possessed asked them if they wanted their usual, all the while ignoring Shanks’ eyes following her as she made her way between the tables. Although having taken their orders, she caught the fond murmur as she made for the bar―

“Married life suits her, doesn’t it?”

“Aye, it does. Shame Em ain’t here to see it.”

Her smile ruined her prim composure, but she claimed it for herself, and kept her chin high as she walked to the bar where Shanks was waiting, leaning back against the kegs.

“What?” he asked, when she reached him, lifting up on her toes to steal a kiss; not something she usually did, shy about public displays, unlike him, and relished in his surprise at her brazenness, shaping his grin, a gentler thing than in the storeroom earlier.

Her own smile was small, as she lowered back on her heels, her head tipped back to look up at him, noting the dish-towel slung over his shoulder, a different kind of captain, with no sea underfoot, but a captain still.

“Nothing,” Makino said, before reciting, “One egg over easy, and―”

“―one sunny-side up, hash browns on the side of both, and a single serving of bacon, because old man Nakamura is watching his cholesterol.”

At her look of surprise, he only smiled, and bent his head to kiss her once, before he made for the kitchen, a grin thrown over his shoulder, leaving her staring after him, and wondering how he could have ever expected her to pretend to be the person she’d been before him.

The doors swinging open drew her gaze to his crew, and her smile blossomed as they greeted her, loudly and cheerfully. And there was no doubt in their minds what she was, catching their cheeky bows and tipped hats, but she didn’t shy from their reverence where it named her, and more clearly than any ring or vow.

“Hey, where’s that husband of yours?” Yasopp asked her, when she appeared at their table to take their orders. Someone had given him the baby, awake and peering up at all the faces around him. Yasopp made a face at him, and when he got a gummy little smile, asked him in a sing-song voice, “What’s his name again?”

“Keeps slipping my mind,” Ben agreed, grinning around his toothpick.

“Wait, who are we talking about?”

“Makino’s husband.”

“Oh, right! That guy.”

The others joined in, feigning forgetfulness, their laughter growing in volume, until there was nothing left of the quiet morning, dissolving like the sea mist as the sun claimed its seat in the sky.

Her playful look warned them, although her smile indulged their cheeky insubordination, knowing well just how far it was from the truth. Because she could imagine their reactions to the suggestion, however teasingly made, about a stand-in husband in their captain’s absence, endearingly protective, and not just of her. She would spare poor Magra that.

“He’s here,” Makino said, and heard in the words the fleeting truth, but didn’t care if she wouldn’t be able to say the same a month from now, or two. He’d be home again soon, with the tide. They all would.

Emerging from the kitchen, Shanks took one look at the room and stopped, a different kind of concern furrowing his brow now as every grin within turned towards him. “What did I miss?”

Coming over to where she was standing, he put the tray he was carrying on the table. The look he gave her said he had his suspicions, and that her innocent smile was fooling no one.

Then a gleam entered his eyes, and Makino knew she was in trouble even before he chirped, “Did you tell them about your plan to get a stand-in husband in my absence?”

Their grins fell, and Makino closed her eyes.

Poor Magra.

“A what?!”

.

.

.

She didn’t get a stand-in, but she didn’t take the ring off, either―a small act of rebellion, but it was the only thing she could do in opposition to the system that governed their world, and the laws that would punish her for her choices. And maybe there was a little pride there, too, but then loving him was her greatest crime, and she’d accept all charges against her, pleading guilty to whatever court would see her put on trial, mortal or otherwise. Those were her wedding vows, too; the ones she hadn’t spoken aloud to him.

Her bar saw the occasional new visitor, on their way to Goa or further still, who’d seen the lights from afar and decided to have a look, but there was only one who asked about the ring, and who didn’t bat an eye when she told him her husband was currently across the island signing off on a shipment. He’d only remarked positively on their bar, and said that no tavern in Goa Port he’d been to had been as hospitable.

(She hadn’t questioned his manners, unfailingly good, almost military-like; hadn’t looked closely enough at the set of his shoulders, that proud bearing she’d known since childhood, from the grizzled marine who’d ruffle her hair until her kerchief sat askew and who’d sneak her gifts behind her mother’s back.)

Garp would have seen through him, she would realise later, but she’d been so busy trying to keep up appearances, she’d forgotten to question if her visitor was doing the same.

She was getting ready to open―had just finished lifting the chairs off the tables and had gone into the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee when she remembered it wasn’t necessary, and had instead gone to wring out the rag to wipe down the counter when she heard the bat-wing doors swinging inwards.

Ace was asleep in his crib, safe under the counter behind the curtain she’d pulled closed, and she didn’t pause at her early visitor, as emerging from the kitchen, she called out, forgetting for a moment that she was alone, the we invoked so easily, even weeks after he’d left, “I’m sorry, but we’re not open yet―”

The words cut off, as she came to a halt.

She could smell the cigar smoke from across the room, the butt smouldering like the embers in her hearth, an almost unnatural glow in its burning eye where it fastened on her like a brand.

The white coat was the first thing she noticed, but she would have recognised him even out of uniform, the straight shoulders and the flower tattoo peeking out from under his shirt, the garishly patterned kind that reminded her of Garp, but that was where their similarities ended.

He was flanked by two officers, their caps pulled low over their brows, but she recognised the one on the left, dark-haired and dimpled and refusing to meet her eyes, his hands white-knuckled around the rifle he was holding. He’d loved her cooking so much he’d asked for a fourth helping; had said it reminded him of his sister’s, who he hadn’t seen in years.

The Fleet Admiral took her in, a single sweep of his eyes across her announcing his feelings, something far more personal than simple contempt in the furrow of his brow. Judge, jury, and executioner; he’d already decided her charges, and what her punishment would be, for the choices she’d made. The only crime she’d committed, but for a man like him, it was enough.

And she’d been right. In the end, the ring hadn’t mattered.

“Arrest her.”

[lulu-zodiac]

Title: Blue Ink

Pairing: Castiel/Dean Winchester

Tags: College AU, Tattoo Artist!Cas, Fluff, Pining, First Kiss

Summary: And then, with the same tender carefulness with which he’d just been tattooing Dean, Cas leans in and kisses him.

If you want to be added to my fic tag list, let me know! <3.

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Dean eyes the needle in Cas’s hand apprehensively, suddenly feeling very vulnerable. They’re both sitting facing each other on Dean’s bed, the lights low and Zeppelin playing softly on the record player.

Cas’s blue gaze flickers up to catch his, amused and reassuring all at once. “Dean. You’ve watched me do this plenty of times.” It’s true: Cas trained as a tattoo apprentice for part of his art course last semester, and since then has informally tattooed a bunch of their friends at parties, as well as himself. Dean has been pestering him to give him one for months.

“I know, I know,” Dean hedges, fiddling with the bedspread. “It’s just –”

“It’s normal to be nervous, you know,” Cas tells him, “You don’t need to do this if you don’t want to,” his eyes are suddenly serious, regarding Dean closely, soft blue and familiar in a way that tugs at Dean’s heart. “And if you want to stop at any point, I’ll stop.”

“Christ, I’m not some blushing virgin, Cas,” Dean rolls his eyes, mainly to cover up the way his heart is suddenly fluttering in his chest. “Just get on with it, okay?”

Cas rolls his eyes right back at Dean and rolls up the sleeves of his vintage patterned shirt, exposing the intricate ink on his own arms. “Alright, give me your arm, then.”

Hesitantly, Dean holds it out and Cas’s fingers grasp it reassuringly, warm and dexterous and familiar. His heart rate picks up further, not entirely from the prospect of being tattooed for the first time. Swallowing, he watches Cas swab his bicep with alcohol and pick up the marker that’s sitting on Dean’s bedspread.

Cas leans in, head bowed in concentration, fingers skilled and precise as he inks the outline of the sigil on Dean’s skin. This close, Dean can smell the distinct muskiness of Cas’s skin, the way the patchouli incense he always burns clings to his tousled hair. Dean has to force himself to concentrate on the image taking form under Cas’s touch, resisting the urge to lean in closer than he should and do something monumentally stupid like brush Cas’s hair away from his face or kiss him.

“Alright?” Cas’s low, gravelly voice breaks Dean’s spiralling thoughts. He glances up fleetingly, a flash of dark blue that has Dean’s heart racing. They’ve been friends for years now, but the rush is still the same, the thrill of being this close to Cas. Fleetingly, he wonders if it’ll ever change.

Wordlessly, Dean nods.

They’d met at freshers’, at some house party thrown by someone Dean doesn’t remember. Dean had known he was a goner the moment he glanced up and found Cas’s blue gaze on him, quiet and intent, head tilted slightly, watching Dean like he was fascinated, like he could somehow really see him. They’d flirted that night, but when Dean next ran into him Cas had made a whole speech about not wanting to date anyone, and so Dean had tried to put how Cas made him feel out of his mind. By the time Cas finally dating people last year, they’d already fallen into the pattern of friends and Dean couldn’t stand the risk of losing him to some stupid crush that had no guarantee of working out.

Slowly, though, it’s felt increasingly like they’re edging into this, into something more. Cas spends most of his evenings round at Dean’s, and Dean often looks up to find Cas’s gaze on him, as intent as that first time but laced with something different now; warmer, heavier. It makes Dean’s stomach do cartwheels. It’s got to the point where he doesn’t trust himself not to say something both of them might regret, so he’s started deliberately distancing himself from Cas to protect their friendship. This is the first time they’ve been alone like this for a few weeks, and the quiet tension between them seems to have deepened rather than dissipated. With a not insignificant degree of panic, Dean wonders how he’s going to get through this, Cas’s hands all over him, without doing something stupid.

“Tell me about the design again,” Cas says quietly, interrupting Dean’s internal panic. The cold wet nib of the pen tickles Dean’s skin, slow and careful. Dean watches his hands move expertly, long fingers with chipped black nail polish that Dean finds inexplicably sexy.

“Uh, it’s from the mythology on divine beings I’m looking at for my dissertation,” Dean forces himself to look away from Cas and breathe, trying to calm the thump of his heart and the heat blossoming through him. “An ancient sigil. Enochian, it’s called.”

“Like this?” Cas is frowning, examining his work.

“Yeah,” Dean nods, a little breathlessly. “That’s perfect.”

“Alright,” Cas clicks the cap on the marker and looks up, blue eyes glittering, “Ready?”

Dean swallows, “As I’ll ever be.”

Cas smiles, tightens his grip on Dean’s bicep and leans in again, this time with the needle. “First few moments will sting, but after that it’ll fade, I promise,” he says, eyes searching Dean’s. “Let me know if you want to stop.”

Dean nods, biting his lip. The first pierce of the needle does sting, but it’s not as bad as he imagined, and it soon numbs into vague, prickly discomfort. The downside of this is that Dean isn’t as distracted from Cas’s proximity as he’d like. The sooty sweep of Cas’s lashes, his full lips slightly parted in concentration, his rumpled hair. He’s wearing his shirt unbuttoned and Dean can see a distressing amount of smooth, toned skin, the tangle of pendants round his neck, including the one Dean gave him for his last birthday. Cas had been quiet when he’d opened it, had hugged Dean so hard it hurt a little. It makes Dean’s chest ache just thinking about it now, about this fleeting moment where Cas had just looked at him like he wanted him too, like something was going to happen. But neither of them had made a move, and Dean has always wondered if he’d read too much into it.

“Okay?” Cas asks quietly above the sound of the needle, not looking up.

Dean nods dazedly, before he remembers Cas can’t see him. “Yes – yeah,” he mumbles stupidly, dizzied by the strong grip Cas has around his arm, the tenderness in his touch and the care with which he tattoos Dean. “Yeah.”

“You’re doing so good,” Cas murmurs, and god, he’s so close that Dean can feel the warmth of Cas’s breath against his skin along with the heat that blossoms through him at Cas’s praise. “So good, Dean,” he strokes his thumb along Dean’s skin where he’s holding his arm in place, sending sparks shooting through Dean.

“Uh,” Dean grunts, because Cas’s praise has turned him from low level horny to uncomfortably hard in his jeans. He shifts slightly on the bed, breathing hard. His arm is aching dully, but all he can think about is Cas’s hands on him, Cas warm and familiar and so goddamn close Dean feels dizzy with the proximity. He watches dazedly as black ink slowly appears on his skin under Cas’s careful hands.

“It’s halfway there, almost,” Cas glances up, maybe planning on reassuring Dean – but something unreadable passes over his expression as he takes in Dean’s face, the flush Dean can feel on his cheeks and how he knows his pupils must be blown wide.

For several, long beats they just look at each other, and it suddenly feels impossibly quiet, even with Zeppelin humming in the background. Cas hasn’t let go of where his hand curls around Dean’s bicep, palm a brand of heat against his shoulder. The sexual tension in the air between them is almost unbearable, years of almost crammed into a single, charged moment.

Dean watches the way Cas’s eyes darken slowly, the way his tongue darts out to wet his lips unconsciously. He always looks gorgeous, but right now in the soft light of Dean’s bedroom with dishevelled hair and hooded eyes and inked skin, he’s so beautiful Dean aches with it.

“Cas –”

“I’m going to finish this,” Cas says, at last, voice even rougher than usual, sending a thrill of arousal through Dean, “And then I’m going to kiss you.”

Dean lets out a sound that might be a breath of surprise or a groan, staring at Cas wide-eyed, heart pounding. Because this, this is all he’s wanted since he first laid eyes on Cas all those years ago and he can’t quite believe it. “Yes,” he murmurs, dazedly. “God, Cas – yes.”

Warmth mixes with the heady darkness of Cas’s expression, a small smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. “Okay,” he strokes his thumb across Dean’s bicep and turns back to his work, the smile even wider than it was a moment ago.

Dean’s smiling too, he realises, so wide it should hurt but it doesn’t. He winces fleetingly at the sharp point of the needle again, but it soon fades into the background. The muscles in Cas’s forearms are taut, tensed under their ink. Dean looks at the constellation points of ursa major, two lines of Latin poetry, the wildflowers. It doesn’t do anything to help his current state, looking at Cas’s soft, warm skin, picturing it against his on these sheets. Knowing that Cas wants that now too, that it’s not just a fantasy. That maybe Cas has fantasised about him like this too. Dean has to bite his lip against a groan as Cas’s grip tightens slightly, blue ink slowly blossoming under his fingertips.

Cas has moved closer, leaning over Dean to work at a slightly harder to reach spot. One of his thighs is pressed against Dean’s in a warm line that sends arousal shooting through Dean. He shifts slightly against Cas, pressing closer, heart thumping. From the sharp intake of breath, he knows Cas can tell how worked up he’s getting, how affected he is by this.

Cas lets out a sudden breath against Dean’s skin, as though he’s been holding it, and his hand tightens on Dean’s arm again. Dean hears himself let out a sound this time, helpless, rough and low in the back of his throat, and watches Cas’s throat work as he swallows, jaw set in determined concentration. “Cas,” Dean breathes out, shifting again, cock uncomfortably hard in his jeans. “Cas –”

Abruptly, Cas, sits back on his haunches, breathing hard. “I can’t concentrate like this,” his eyes are darker than Dean’s ever seen them, a flush just visible creeping up the exposed skin of his chest. He lets go and sets his materials on the bedside table without moving away from Dean, without letting go. Slowly, not breaking eye contact, Cas leans back in until they’re even closer than before, both breathing unsteadily. Then, with the same tender carefulness with which he’d just been tattooing Dean, Cas leans in and kisses him.

Dean’s heart fumbles a beat in his chest, his world implodes quietly, infinitely. Cas’s mouth is hot and wet and perfect. Dean tangles his hands in Cas’s tousled hair like he’s always wanted to, tugs him closer, all warmth and racing hearts. Cas lets out a low groan against Dean’s mouth and then suddenly Dean is on his back on the bedspread, breathing heavily. It’s the same one they’ve sat on together night after night, all those times Dean wondered if this would ever happen. It should feel surreal, but it doesn’t. It just feels startlingly real, like this was always inevitable.

They kiss until Dean’s jaw is aching, until they’re both breathless and grinding against each other like they’re still teenagers. When they pull apart a little to catch their breath, Cas’s eyes are shining with the same quiet happiness threatening to overwhelm Dean, full of the same longing that Dean has spent years trying to hide. Dean’s heart suddenly feels so full it hurts, and the moment turns serious, quiet, as they lose themselves in each other’s gazes just like that first night they met. Gently, Dean traces the line of Cas’s jaw, and when he pulls him in again, the kiss is searing, poignant, so full of promise it should terrify Dean, but it only makes his heart beat harder. Cas’s hands are all over his skin, more memorable than any ink.

[creativeashproductions]

Drowning in the Past // Luke Patterson

Summary: Julie’s estranged older sister returns home after a shameful night from New York City. Band on hiatus reader is forced to come home to face the consequences her actions had, including her hurt younger sister. In finding herself she happens to discover friends on her journey.

Warning: Swearing, talk of alcohol and drugs, underage drinking, grief, sex, angst and some fluff.

Words: 2.4k

A/N What if Julie had a sister in a successful signed band named Graveyard Petals. Part Two - Healed by the Music (Coming soon!)

Masterlist

Blowing a raspberry with pursed lips, you prepared yourself for the lecture that would happen the minute your foot crossed the front door. The last year had been one of the hardest dealing with the sudden death of your mother and dealing it with as best as you could. Everything was going moderately okay with the band, but you fucked up three days ago. Typically you knew the limits with alcohol but with the anniversary of losing your mom and attending an after-party was a massive mistake.

Especially when the tabloid released unflattering photos of you needed help from your bandmates getting to the car. Unaware until the next morning when the phone rang.

The shrill round of a ringtone blasted into your sleep pulling you into a blistering hangover and groans. The night before was a blur. Hand tapping the table you grasped the phone blinding pressing the screen until you lucked out on the green circle.

“What the hell were you thinking?” The shout flung you upright, “You got drunk? You’re eighteen! We had a deal.”

“Dad.” You groaned rubbing your head. Going entirely still when you felt the covers shift, terrified, you glanced over to see a body in the bed.

Oh my god. Your eyes widened clueing into the stranger in the bed just as naked, and you were on the phone with Dad. You scrambled into the adjoining bathroom to the hotel room.

“Y/N, you said you stopped. Why did you lie?” Ray Molina asked his daughter clenching the bridge of his nose, “Your Tía called me this morning and send a link to a lovely article. My eldest daughter, my responsible daughter, intoxicated, being held up by her friends.”

“I know. It’s just it was Mom-“

“I know what yesterday was. You should have known it was a bad idea to drink. I called Lucy. You’re coming home. That’s final.”

Ray’s voice was solemn as he spoke utterly disappointed in you before it went to shit further. The safety of the bathroom shattering when the door opened and the acoustics of the room amplifying the voice.

“Hey, last night was amazing. If you’re ever in town again, just call me.”

“Y/N Molina.” The words were tense, “You better be home immediately. We will be talking about this.”

The phone hung up, and your head fell to your knees, sinking into the shame brought by your actions. You had naively overlooked the negatives of the lifestyle 

The SUV came to a stop outside the home who hadn’t been in for the past year. You typically avoided it by living in the house with your band.

“I want you to take the break to find yourself again. Heal.” Lucy spoke, turning to stare at you, “I took a chance on your band, I went against Andi Parker. Please don’t make me regret doing it. You’ll be staying here and reconnecting with your family.”

You wordlessly nodded to her words before climbing out of the SUV where the driver had put the suitcase. Most of your things were still in your childhood bedroom. You wandered up to the front door at a glacial pace, hoping to avoid what would happen in the house.

“Y/N.” The door was open with your dad standing there with his arms crossed over his chest and an expression he didn’t often have. A look of pure disappointment, “Go to the kitchen.”

A sigh fell from your lips as you nodded your head as you wandered into the homey place your mother had adored cooking in. She loved music and cooking almost as much as she loved her family. In the kitchen, your sister was doing homework. Julie avoided music because of the death of your mother and you fleeing.

“Julie,” Ray spoke, getting the sixteen-year old’s attention, her eyes shuttering as you met her gaze. Julie’s eyebrows came together with a look of heartbreak and left her homework to flee up to her room.

“I’m sorry.” You spoke, looking at the table as Ray sat across from you. You stared at the chip on the edge from when you cut your scalp running after Julie as a kid.

“Lucy agreed that you need to be home. You kept it hidden very well, but until you can get yourself together, you will not be touring. Until I deem it okay, you will fix your relationship with Carlos and Julie. You will volunteer for Julie’s school program, and you will not be allowed at any party.” Ray spoke, “I could make your punishment worse. I also want you to get yourself checked.”

You winced remembering he was well aware of your one night stand after hearing the person’s voice.

“I don’t have any-“

“I don’t care. I don’t know if you’ve been with one person or more, but you need to be checked out.”

Ray left the girl, “Remember why you love music so much. Your mom wouldn’t like who her daughter turned out to be.”

That broke your heart more because he was right. You were exactly how your mother raised you not to be.

Your eyes stayed locked on the black nail polish that matched the nose ring you had gotten a few months back. Hair dyed with streaks was another rebellious choice. You had changed so much from the girl that had gotten a record deal with her band.

Without even realizing your feet left the house to stand in front of the studio, you avoided. What was once a place of love and happiness was tarnished by the loss of the woman who introduced you to music. A place where you learned how to play the piano when your feet couldn’t touch the pedal. Where you had caused callously painstakingly learning guitar.

“Why are you here?” Your back stiffened at Julie’s hostile tone, “Don’t you have some country to be in.”

“No. I messed up.” You spoke roughly playing with the ring on your finger. The necklace in your pocket felt like it was burning.

“Whatever.” Julie scoffed brushing passed to open the doors to the studio. Her hands slammed the doors closed in your own hurt face.

Julie stomped to the piano, ignoring the other people in the room as she slammed the piano open. Her fingers shaking as they came to rest on the white keys, but the tears flowed down her cheeks. It was bittersweet to see you back in the house after months of dodging her calls, and finally, when you come home, it’s because you got into trouble.

“Are you okay?” Reggie asked the Molina girl. Her red eyes meeting the three ghosts in the room, “You were kinda yelling out there.”

Luke was uncomfortable at the tears he saw running down Julie’s cheeks glancing at the closed garage doors. It terrified him when girls cried. He never knew exactly how to comfort them.

“Yeah. Someone I thought I knew is out there.” Julie scoffed, “I don’t think I’m the best to be rehearsing with.”

“Come on, Julie! I’m sorry! You deserve an explanation. I’m a terrible sister.” You called from outside. The band shared a look of surprise as they had absolutely no clue Julie had another sibling.

Julie grunted stomping to the doors with a furious expression, the aggressiveness of opening them startling you. Standing across from Julie was a girl that the three didn’t know and so unlike Julie. You had a ripped band shirt tied in the back to make a form-fitting crop top, high waisted jeans. Hair dyed and a piercing set you so far from Julie.

“You’re playing again?” You smiled, looking at the piano ready to be played, but Julie didn’t react, “Mom would be proud of you.”

 “One of us shouldn’t be a disappointment.” Julie snapped.

“Oh, damn!” Reggie exclaimed to the guys, “Julie really went for the throat.”

His words took your full attention to see three guys in very ’90s like clothing intently watching your interaction with your sister. Julie was surprised you could see them but her anger and hurt overpowered that part.

“Look I’m really sorry for how I’ve been acting.” You sighed stepping closer only to stop when Julie stepped back, “I never wanted to hurt you but Jules you shouldn’t have to see how I was acting. I haven’t been a good role model.”

“You still hurt me. I needed you.” Julie’s voice cracked as she wrapped her arms around her, “If they hadn’t come into my life, I wouldn’t have played again.”

“You needed someone who wasn’t doing what I was doing.”

“What were you doing?” Julie softly asked. You hesitated on telling her the truth, but she needed to know why it was best she hadn’t been exposed to your behaviour.

“Will you listen?” You asked the younger girl. She nodded, so you led her to the couch that had come with the place. Julie sat on one end of the sofa while curled your legs under you.

The guys followed right after and honestly, you didn’t care if they heard.

“Last year, when Mom was sick, I wasn’t there. I was there the day she passed, but I was selfish. It was stupid, but I honestly thought she would be okay.” You softly began reopening a wound that hadn’t healed, “I know she was proud and pushed me to continue, but I shouldn’t have. The more time passed, the harder it was to see me.”

“You guys were getting more popular.” Julie shrugged, “I’ve always been proud that you chased your dream.”

“I know. That dream came with negative parts though Jules. To cope, I started drinking, I changed my hair, got a piercing, experimented with some illicit things and I…uh…slept with a few people. I was never meant to sleep around, I commend people that do and love that but it’s not for me.  I tried to change myself because I thought I could change how I felt.”

Julie was silent, scanning your features and the changes she had been blinded from with rage and pain. It felt like part of you was missing, there was an emptiness in your eyes and your shoulders were drooped, and you didn’t have that smile.

“Things really went to shit, pardon my language. It’s another change.” You winced at the word choice, “Mom’s anniversary was on the same night we went to an awards show. I had gotten drunk, but I performed at the show still good.”

“GP won two awards.” Julie grinned, “You were wearing the ring.”

You raised your index finger where a simple ring had sat for years, one that matched the one on Julie’s finger. You may have taken the Virgin Mary necklace off, but you could never take the ring you had with Julie off.

“My faith took a nosedive.” You admitted reaching into your pocket for the Virgin Mary necklace, “I didn’t feel like it was right to wear this and live how I was. Anyway at the after party I got extremely drunk, James and Iris had to help me to the car. Tabloids came out the next morning, and Dad called.”

You winced remembering the nasty hangover and the rather shameful lapse of memory. You still have no clue the exact details with the one nightstand.

“Ooh. Tía sent him a link? She was looking after Carlos. It was a lot of Spanish.” Julie winced remembering the shocking words leaving the older woman’s mouth.

“Oh, it gets worse. Just as the call was about to end…my hookup made their appearance.”

Julie choked, “You slept with someone?!”

“Hollywood life.” You weakly replied, making jazz hands, “So for the next few months I’ll be here.”

Julie was quiet, “Well if it makes you feel better. These guys are Luke, Reggie, and Alex. They’re ghosts.”

 You were silent, staring at the younger Molina taking in the news better than she had expected, “I can’t judge after the past year.”

Helping Julie with her band and spending time with your family was more healing than finding the bottom of a bottle was. You attended a few sessions with Dr Turner and finally rediscovered the love of music. You often fielded questions from the guys too.

“What’s your band’s name?” Luke asked, placing his chin in his hands, listening intently to hearing your stories.

“Graveyard Petals.” You chuckled with a wide grin, “My mom had a band with petals in the title, so I wanted to honour her. Our band was driving to a gig still trying to figure out a name when we went past a cemetery and the name kinda just clicked.”

“That’s so cool!” Reggie spoke with a wide grin, “God, I wish we got the chance.”

“It has its moments.” You shrugged, “I’m actually meeting up with them in a few hours if you wanted to come?”

The guys nodded their heads each sporting a broad grin at the suggestion.

“We’ve all been finding ourselves again. My mom was our mentor, so it hit all of us hard, but I acted out worse.”

Luke’s eyes couldn’t help but notice that your necklace was resting on the hollow your neck just like Julie. A lightness came over him seeing that you had been finding yourselves once more.

“You seem happier,” Alex noted, leaning his elbows on his knees because he was right. In the time you had been home, you had changed your hair back to its natural colour, and your skin wasn’t as sickly pale as before.

“I am.” You smiled glancing at Luke, “I’m thrilled I got to meet you guys. I feel like if that tabloid hasn’t come out, I would have overdosed or drank myself to death.”

You hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol in months now. Music poured out of yourself with such a healing aspect you couldn’t believe it. You dad was ecstatic his little girl had found her way back to her true self.

Reggie and Alex glanced at each other before poofing out to leave Luke there with you. There was something between Luke and you that made the two boys happy. You each deserved happiness.

“So can I see some of your songs?” Luke asked with a soft smile that tugged at your heartstrings. You grabbed the notebook from your guitar case covered in doodles before opening it to a half-written song.

“So this is very raw and special to me.” You spoke glancing up at the teenage boy with a sparkle that hasn’t been seen in over a year, “It’s called Sober.”

Part Two - Healed by the Music

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[evarcana]

Taking it out on you

Ev attends the court meeting only to learn that sometimes the second impressions are just as bad as the first ones.

characters: Ev Panopolis, consul Valerius and brief appearance of Volta

words: ~3k

warnings: alcohol (as expected)

notes: On some point I gave up on the idea of Ev being the apprentice, as she just does not have this "MC energy". So this is an introduction to her story, because there is no better way to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of this blog than to remember that a very long time ago I used to write fanfiction.

It has been almost a month already. Almost a month since she came to Vesuvia, almost a month since she was told that her services were not required here. The thought makes Ev frown, but she keeps a quick pace, the sound of her impatient steps on the marble floor echoing through the palace corridor.

It is just before eleven o’clock, and the last of crisp morning sun pours over the rich mauve of lustrous silk drapes and the gold leaf of intricately carved murals, drawing out the warm scent of orange blossom and beeswax from the polished panels of precious wood. Vesuvian palace is exactly what she was promised - a great wonder, and yet Ev doubts it could give any lesser impression while the backdrop to its striking opulence is the city torn apart by disease and grief.

There are no servants or visitors in sight, and Ev’s only company in this seemingly endless corridor are paintings on the walls, depicting what she can only guess are some of the proud moments of Vesuvian history - people and places so foreign to her.

She does simple math in her head: two months and two days ago she was marching down the corridor of a very different palace, eager to be on time for the meeting with Crown Princess Nafizah despite the quite literal last minute notice, and not knowing yet that she was about to hear details of this so-called diplomatic mission.

Back then it sounded straightforward enough. Prakra couldn’t ignore the news of Count Lucio's tragic death, not least because that meant Princess Nadia, the youngest daughter of the Prakran royal family, was left widowed and with the daunting task of handling the red plague epidemic in Vesuvia all on her own. Any ruler could do with an extra pair of hands and any country could benefit from the alliance with Prakra, especially in times of crisis like this. And it would have stayed straightforward if only the discovery of Countess Nadia’s mysterious illness and the unexpected, unreasonable, outrageous hostility of Vesuvian court did not bring this crisis to the whole new, now personal, level.

In theory, Ev did not have to deal with any of that. She could use the excuse that it was only appropriate to deliver such unsettling news about Nadia in person, go back and forget everything that happened in this palace like one of those unpleasantly bizarre dreams you get after a night of drinking. But Vesuvia was still the city Prakra cared about, Nadia’s city, and as far as Ev knew none of the people who came to be in charge of it were appointed by her. Prakran diplomatic presence was perhaps the only way to look after Nadia’s interests until she woke up. Even if Ev had no actual power over the court, returning to Prakra without accomplishing at least something felt like a failure, and failure has never been an option for Ev. With that in mind, she pressed the seal with enough force to imprint Prakran royal crest on the desk and not just on the drop of red wax marking the envelope, and stayed.

Now, after a month of living in the city, she has learned to see that there is more to her new role than just misfortunes. Her relocation allowance is generous, her new place is nicer than what she had in Prakra and she is getting rather used to the convenience of the wine shop next door. Even if parts of it are foreign and unwelcoming, Ev feels at ease in Vesuvia. The tension in her body relaxes, and she thinks maybe this palace can eventually get used to her too, but the thought faints away as soon as she sees the salon door. Ev presses a pile of papers closer to her chest and tells herself that she can think about everything else another time - the court meeting is about to start.

She pushes the door open but immediately freezes on the spot stricken by the gagging wave of nausea - nails dirty with soil and blood, sickly sweet buttercream pastries and rustle of feathers covered in mud. It is no more than a faint impression but even through the fogged mind Ev recognises the feeling - it is vestige, the afterimage of magic. She has felt it before, many times and in many different forms but never has it made her feel physically sick. What is even more unusual is that such a revolting sensation is coming from the palace quarters. One would expect tingles of bubbles from the charmed fountains of never ending sparkling wine or at least the impression of whispers, premium tea, treacle and bitter ambition from the walls which have been magically given ears, and not... whatever this is. Ev draws a deep breath, pushing down into her diaphragm and looks around the room. The salon is not set up for the court meeting, instead there is a tray of food and stacks of empty plates towering on almost every flat surface. Her eyes stop on greasy remains looking terribly out of place on the delicate porcelain plate and she unconsciously covers her mouth. Maybe she is mistaken after all - it is the strange smell of food and not some kind of creepy magic, and, more importantly, maybe this is not the salon she was looking for.

Before Ev gets a chance to mentally blame the chamberlain for giving her the wrong directions, a tiny figure appears from behind the chair. The white cornette is instantly recognisable and Ev is about to ask procurator Volta whether she is here for the court meeting too when she sees that behind the commotion of dark robes Volta is frantically trying to push the whole roast rack of lamb down her mouth. Dear gods. Somewhat unsurprisingly, one of the bones appears to be stuck. Clearly having not expected to have an audience, the procurator widens her eyes at Ev in a mixture of terror and shame. Unable to speak, after a few incoherent squeaks, she throws her tiny hands in the air helplessly, spattering herself with gravy and gestures to the open French doors leading to the balcony. Without giving it too much thought, Ev gives Volta a quick nod and takes an opportunity to escape the awkwardness of the scene.

Wrapped in the soft shade of the balcony, consul Valerius is casually leaning back in the chair, with the usual glass of wine in his hand. Even before she reaches the doors, Ev sets her eyes on his face. The consul is looking away, his face carved and unmovable, the tight knot of dark eyebrows making him look ireful and disgruntled, like one of those statues of stern gods she saw growing up in Zadith. Her next step lands much quieter and then, there steps in, Ev stops and stands very still wondering what thoughts could possibly bring this storm to Valerius’s face. Sun would suit him much more, she thinks, her eyes curiously trailing down the golden glints of his hair.

A loud snort catches Ev off guard and she realises that Valerius is now facing her, looking considerably more displeased than before, no doubt because of her. That’s more like it. How could she forget that this man is the very cause of her problems.

“Could I please have some of your time, consul?” she asks, heading straight towards him. Greetings seem excessive, they didn’t necessarily part on friendly terms last time.

“I didn't expect to see you here again.”

Ev allows herself a smirk. “I know.” I am not here to do what you expect from me. She stops inches away from his chair looking down at him, apparently enjoying the close proximity which, considering their formal relationship and the consul’s well known bad temper, could be regarded as both highly inappropriate and potentially reckless. But Valerius only turns away, more interested in his drink than in her.

“I have been studying the treasury records,” she continues, searching his face for any kind of reaction. His lips curl up in a sneer as he takes a sip of wine, but his eyes are still firmly fixed on the horizon. Ev follows his gaze expecting to see some radical change to the surrounding landscape, but there is only faint outline of the city roofs behind the lush green of the palace's vast grounds, - no columns of smoke, no ominous looking storm clouds gathering in the distance, nothing that could possibly be more interesting than her. Whatever. “Your tax system - ,” she hands Valerius neatly arranged papers, which he completely ignores,“- it is not working.”

“Vesuvian tax system remained largely unchanged for the last two generations, this is how these matters are handled traditionally,” says Valerius, once again denying Ev courtesy of eye contact.

Ev’s mouth twists at the sound of the last words. Too worried the conservative mindset might be contagious, she quickly withdraws her hand and takes a step back.

“I trust you understand that sometimes one should focus on what works, and not what is traditional,” she says, doing her best to disguise the growing irritation. “You don’t attract nearly as much foreign trade as you used to.”

What comes next is a very profound, uncomfortable silence. Ev sighs.

“Consul, you had plague in the city, people died,” her voice is louder now, “lots of people died”, and the irritation is obvious. “And Vesuvia cannot exist without its people. Somebody needs to bring food from the farmlands, make clothes, teach children, attend to the sick. Yes, in the past you could always import whatever you did not have but now people are scared to come because of the plague. You -”, she pauses in anticipation noticing Valerius shifting in his seat, but he only reaches for the bottle to top up his glass, “- you need to do something to make it attractive for them again. Lower the customs, lift the taxes for people whose skills you need, sell empty real estate cheap. There is plenty all around the city!”

Deep down Ev knows that none of these is going to work long term, but she doesn't care - she wants to do something and she wants to do it now.

Yet, nothing changes. She is still standing there, and he is still looking away. Ev would prefer him to disagree, start arguing with her - anything really, as long as it breaks this silence.

“Fine! If you don’t feel like changing this traditional system of yours, even temporarily, at least fix your mistakes.” Ev starts chaotically flipping through the papers searching for the one she needs, which would be a much easier task, if she was less flurried and if Valerius offered her a seat. She wonders whether he is now watching her, sneering at her struggle. “Your approved accounts, here,” this time she brusquely puts the paper in front of Valerius’s face blocking his view, “your numbers do not even add up! ”

For a split second she sees something on his face - a twitch, a flick of rage, and thinks that she has gone too far. But his question comes out in a calm, almost disinterested tone: “What makes you think that somebody like you is even qualified to check the city’s budget approved by the esteemed procurator Volta?”

A moment passes before Ev is able to break from staring at Valerius in disbelief. She glances to the salon where, judging by the sound, Volta has freed her mouth only to move to the next dish. Seriously? Perhaps she should be impressed that he managed to say it with the straight face.

And then there is a chilling sensation at the pit of Ev’s stomach. She asks herself what is going on here? What is this city under the reign of a person who questions everything and everyone except the obvious mistake in the accounts? And what is she - ? Angry, she reminds herself, is what she is, and throws a look at Valerius, who is taking another sip from his glass as in triumph. You don’t need to be qualified, you just need to have common sense. And you, Valerius, either don’t have it or you were not even bothered to look at what your court approves.

She pictures him lazily drinking wine, legs on the desk, his shirt unbuttoned, while completely ignoring his state duties. The image is irritating and yet not entirely unpleasant.

“We both know that I come from a family of alchemists and merchants. Trust me, I know how to count,” she says with a smile. It sounded right in her head, a ridiculous answer to the ridiculous question.

“I thought that during our last meeting you said that you had nothing to do with your witchcraft family.” A perfectly raised eyebrow, and that infuriating smirk.

Ev opens her mouth in protest but gives up quickly. Those were her exact words after all, save for the witchcraft part.

She begins to pace around the balcony avoiding looking at Valerius as much as possible. The consul clearly has a way of getting on her nerves, and she needs all her concentration if she wants to explain what exactly will happen to this goddamn city if they carry on with this approved budget.

“Think about the consequences for the people if this mistake is not corrected!” she shouts, her voice much louder than she would like it to be, and quickly turns to Valerius expecting a blowback. But the pale eyes are looking down, studying something on the floor, or on the edge of the fabric of her long sleeve, she really can’t tell. Oh gods, he is not even paying attention.

***

Valerius has firmly decided that he is not going to pay any attention.

The time of plague was exhausting: the palace suddenly full of people of all kinds and intentions promising to find a cure, pleas for help on the streets which he could not escape even behind the doors of the most expensive carriages, the count who was growing more desperate everyday and the white smoke of the Lazaret carried by the sea breeze towards the city, the memory of which still haunts him. And now there is the Satrinavas’ new pet here having an audacity to talk about his city’s problems - the problems which, out of all people, he should know the most about, he is the consul after all, and a Vesuvian.

Vesuvia he inherited is haggard and sad, and on top of that an enormous responsibility. The last thing he needs is a stranger questioning his authority, as if the incompetent court and the city demanding their beloved countess back have not been tiresome enough. Valerius lets out a short, barely audible sigh. He just wants this farce to be over so he can go back to thinking.

But the witch is not planning to stop, if anything she seems to be enjoying it. Look at her. Absorbed by herself and her ludicrous ideas, she is loud and talks too much with her hands. Her dress keeps slipping down the shoulder draping around the soft curve of a half barred breast every time she does one of these unnecessary, overconfident gestures. Valerius has absolutely no idea whether this is deliberate or she is simply unaware of the indecency which keeps drawing his eyes.

He tries to distract himself by taking a drink of wine only to discover that his glass, just like the air around him, is full of this loud perfume of hers. Harsh cinnamon, incense and patchouli, very much alike their owner, have no concept of the personal space ruining the perfect balance of his red. The wine is not helping. He catches himself looking at the shoulder again. In fact, absolutely useless. He sets his unfinished glass aside on the small table. Valerius has had enough.

***

“Enough!” Valerius shouts. His voice is suddenly deep and rather forceful and Ev hates that it has the desired effect on her. She stops and looks at him. “You were not invited to the court meeting.” The consul’s face looks awfully angry now.

Ev narrows her eyes. “And what exactly are you doing at your court meeting?”

“That should not be a concern of the Prakran subject”, Valerius says, his words dripping with poison, “or whoever you are.”

“I am a diplomatic emissary -,” she does not get a chance to finish.

“Leave!”

Ev wants to scream and protest, but even she knows better than to yell at somebody who outranked her. She draws a breath. One, two, three. All right.

“I only came to give you the papers”, she says coldly, her eyes still locked on his, and leans forward to place the documents on the table. “But I am taking this away, one should work without the distraction of wine.”

With these words Ev snatches the glass from the table, turns away and heads toward the exit as fast as she can without breaking into running. She does not want to look like she is scared that Valerius will grab her by the arm. If anything she is slightly disappointed that he doesn’t.

“My regards to the court,” she raises her hand and waves the glass in the air without looking back. Behind her there is a sound of paper being torn apart.

***

Ev only slows down when she reaches the main staircase.

Suddenly feeling very tired, she leans against the handrail. Again, what is she doing here? Why did she need to turn up in person when she could send a letter? Ev closes her eyes and rubs her fingers together as if feeling for answers in the whorls of her own skin, and remembers about the glass in her hand. Another bad decision. It would have been wiser to take the bottle.

She raises the glass to her lips and breathes in the wine. It’s pleasant. Perhaps she would prefer its company to the boring palace affairs too. Ev twists the glass in her hand, eying the smooth rim before drawing one long sip. It leaves a blush mark of her lips firmly planted on the surface which she studies for a few seconds. “You better be as angry as I am now”, she says to the dark liquid at the bottom of the glass.

[ericmun]

210314 Shinhwa’s Eric and Dongwan’s Instagram Updates

Just a quick note as what might transpire this. There have been posts from fans pressuring about the lack of Shinhwa activities and Eric got the flak usual. One post in particular on the day before (Saturday night) that tagged all the members that probably why this happened, why he feels he’s been treated unfairly, as well as explaining why he had to go on SNS.

The clash between Eric and Dongwan is nothing new. It is mostly personality differences and ways of doing things. We are posting this because everyone has the right to understand what’s going on with a full and accurate translation (as accurate as possible) of how things went. Thanks so much 6crystalis for these long translation.

Eric’s 1st post:

I was keeping track quietly, but the problem is that the gap between internal affairs compared to external perception is too big, and so, there is constant conflict between the two. I thought if just leave it, it would slowly disappear by itself. Instead, the difference became so big, these was nowhere left to take a stand. I always thought that when it came to problems, the right thing to do was to dig it up by its roots and untangle it bit by bit; you shouldn't try to cover it up and pretend nothing happened. But in the end, I chose to listen to the opinions of different people and left it alone. One guy who always put group activities before all other work. Another guy who puts certain emphasis on solo activities, but during this period is emphasizing on Shinhwa activities. Although, it caused problems for group communication and schedules, but to fans, he is an intimate and gentle guy. Two people with different thought processes, so I've decided I need to go find and understand each person's differences. But everyone is too one-sided on who they are listening to, to the point that only support the one saying nice words to them, and cursing the condition of the person who is quietly working hard for the group. Isn't that too much? If the problem only stopped at supporting VS not supporting, it doesn't matter, but is it really necessary to go to the extremes of praising one side to high heavens and making personal attacks on the other? Right now, it's not 50/50, it's more than 90% of the people who think the latter's style is correct. Then that means everything I had been doing during that period is wrong. Just let me switch places with the later then, it's easy. But, can you put on some restraint, the group of people on DC? Aren't you tired? Stop gathering in groups in places I'm absent and discussing things that aren't set? If you want to talk about those things, then say it when you come join the group meeting. Didn't I already ask you guys (the members) 3 weeks ago about setting the schedule? If you actually want to resolve this, then let's talk. I have no way of contacting you, so I'll tag you, and I will also let Andy know. You'll invite me to tomorrow's live right? I'll be there.

Note: Eric tagged Dongwan for this post as seen in the photo

Source: muneric Translation: 6rystalis

Eric’s 2nd post:

Because I was afraid of causing conflict, I thought just leaving it would make it disappear, so I chose to say pretty words filled with hope that were false to make people happy and just leave everything. I think that’s just making me doenjang (superficial/full of BS)

Text on the chat:

ERIC: What time is the live tomorrow, Andy? ANDY: The time is not set yet, hyung. We'll set it after meeting with Dongwanie hyung tomorrow. ERIC: Can you tell him to invite me for tomorrow liveㅎㅎ ANDY: Okay ERIC: ㅋㅋㅋ ANDY: ㅋㅋㅋㅋ ERIC: I'm curious what he'll say ㅎㅎ No matter what he says, just forward it to me. I'll also adjust as needed. If it's really too convenient, then I'll think of a way to adjust it. ANDY: eung eung (yes yes)

Source: muneric Translation: 6rystalis

Dongwan’s post:

I am Kim Dongwan.

First of all, I feel very sorry for all the Shinhwa Changjo who got shocked.

Tomorrow, I will meet the members and have a good talk. Because it is internal affairs, we should discuss it among ourselves first.

The previous announcement about holding a live with Andy will go ahead as planned.

The conception of Shinhwa albums and concerts require the investment of a lot of manpower. This isn't completed by members on their own, or can be completed by just any member. To members, Shinhwa activities are very important and something they really look forward to. So, I have always taken into account the opinions of all six members, and after adjustments, produce a conclusion that is satisfying to all members.

Before getting this conclusion, other than the members' opinions, communication with the production team is also very important. It requires the polishing of time and opportunity.

Apart from the problem about contacting me... If we could've had a little bit of communication with the production team beginning last year, if we could've communicated so that they could feel at ease, then Shinhwa and Shinhwa Changjo wouldn't have had to encounter a situation like this... This is a point that I feel a bit regretful about.

We work hard together to be the Shinhwa that will paint a beautiful painting for Shinhwa Changjo.

Thank you, everyone.

Source: danedkim Translation: 6rystalis

Eric’s 3rd post:

Starting from 3pm, I had been asking Dongwannie and constantly checking with Andy for updates, but there was no answer at all about whether he was going to accept or reject my request to be there. Said it was because the production team couldn't contact me, so that's why they couldn't go forward with their work. Then let me tell you about my position. It started around "Sniper" activities? Around 2015-2021, he hasn't been in our group chat for 6 years; and after being blocked, I never got his new phone number. During the time I announced my marriage, because of "whether I let the members know I was getting married", I was being attacked. There was that brother that came out and loudly said, "Eric definitely has his own reasons~ Please understand~" Kept getting cursed or something. From the blank period in the military to album production in the years that followed, schedules and venues were booked one year in advance by me. I wouldn't know how to keep in contact with the production team? In those 6 years, I'm always telling everyone we should hold a meeting. Every time, the schedule is adjusted weeks in advance so that we can have this hard-earned chance to meet up. Even like that, we weren't able to see each other. There are too many times where there was no other way because of deadlines to just hold a meeting with 5 people.

Last year was the same. Again, I told the members that we should meet, everyone should open up some time in your schedule. And then the date was set, but on the day, we were stood up. The kind-hearted members were finally able to meet up after so much, but weren't even able to take a picture for proof before we separated. I was also really tired, so I suggested if it's hard to find time in your schedule, then let's use group chat to to figure things out, it'll be more convenient. I'm also really busy with work. Each time I have to adjust my schedule so we can meet, but if it gets cancelled on the day, I'll also feel really tired. Even so, he still refused to use group chat to discuss things. I'm also human. I thought, "We're in pandemic conditions and I still have dramas to film. If it continues like this, just leave it, stop pretending to be close." And so, at the end of last year, I stopped joining the group chat. But the root of the problem is here. In the 6 years that I have been doing all this, where I was constantly cursed, after I left group chat for a mere 3 months? Under the circumstances where I was absent, you had a meeting in a chat, in the way where you are comforting others and telling them to air out their raincoats? At that point, I couldn't hold it anymore. A few days ago, a Shinchang chat was established in Clubhouse. Like it was an official channel, you talked about things that members have never discussed or confirmed. There was even content that we haven't even heard of before. Yesterday, you said, "It wasn't you. It was because there are a few members who don't want to hold Shinhwa activities that these activities weren't confirmed in the end" ?

I'm not playing that despicable SNS where you can say things without leaving any evidence, talking about things that don't exist or politics where people criticize you. But to be different from being like that despicable SNS. I chose to leave a record of what I'm saying to be criticized. I guess it can be considered me saying what's on my mind. 6 years and 3 months. I'm too angry, so I suggested in the past that for 3 months, everyone should calm down on their own and think about what our things mean to us. If suggesting these 3 months is wrong, then I admit it, I apologize. But, in the post, it brought up the production team. I really want to ask, am I really the one affecting Shinhwa's schedule? Up until now, I've asked another members about this situation, yet I'm still unable to get a solid answer about whether you're accepting my arrival. Instead, you confirmed on Instagram that it's Eric and the production team's miscommunication that things couldn't be confirmed? I'm preparing to take a rest right now. I'm going to treat it as you rejecting to invite me to join you tomorrow. If members discuss things in the future and really want to make our dongsaeng, who's caught in the middle, uncomfortable, then just continue to do so. The person I wanted you to invite was me, so why are you replying to the fans? It would be great if I also had the ability to omit the main point and say words that sound nice to the ears. But, I'm also human. I apologize to everyone for having to listen to such tiring story.

Dongwan’s reply: I had a phone call with Andy around 6pm. I said that the 3 of us should meet and talk together. Perhaps he hasn’t told you yet.  I’m coming to Seoul tomorrow. We’ll talk face to face.

Source: muneric Translation: 6rystalis 

============================================================

Eric also did 2 more posts about the hate posts from Shinhwa DC Gall. We might translate it later if translator has time.

[calboniferous]

In Theory

Work 1 in The Pen and the Sword aka. my jedi and academics AU

A stressed post-graduate anthropology researcher from Coruscant University enters the Jedi Archives for the first time and is promptly taken under the wing of one Master Archivist Jocasta Nu.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/32355310

—

Master Jocasta Nu felt the visitor before she saw them. Stress and a frenetic energy radiated through the force tangled with the unique threads of emotion and colour that made up their signature.

Closing the book in front of her with a soft thud, mindful of its frayed edges, she appraised the blue nautolan hurrying towards her. Their worn brown coat was unbuttoned and struggling to stay onto their shoulders, saved by the strap of the bag hanging off one side which the nautolan had one arm wrapped around. Apparently, the bag’s tie had lost the battle against the tide of flimsy and datapads making the simple bag bulge obscenely.

Ah.

A scholar.

Like the many before them, they had come to Master Nu’s beloved archives in hope of finding salvation in its hallowed stacks. With her guidance, they always did and more often than not, they would return again. And again.

However, this scholar was not one that Master Nu had seen before and as they glanced wide-eyed at the towering shelves, shying away from passing Jedi, she surmised that the Jedi archives were unfamiliar to them also.

They reached her desk out of breath.

“I need books on Kante martial arts and history. Do you have books on Kante? If it has historical martial arts then that would be incredible but I’m setting the bar low. Really, the bar is non-existent. Should I even be setting a bar I don’t know- do you know what the Kante are? Were? They’re extinct”

“Young one, breathe.” Master Nu said, lifting her hand to interrupt the rush of words. Her brow softened in sympathy, “How about you start from the beginning and tell me what your thesis is and then we’ll go about finding resources.”

She signalled to one of the Padawans stacking holopads nearby for them to take over monitoring the main desk and led Tema to one of the many sunlit alcoves tucked between the buttresses.

Settling on a cushion across the low table from the sleep deprived nautolan, Master Nu pulled out her well-worn datapad, ready to formulate a list of texts to recommend for this student’s project. She had gathered quite the collection of such lists over the years and took great pride in curating them. Often, she would continue to add to them in her spare time so that when the person they had been made for returned, it was waiting and ready. And, if Master Nu happened to enjoy the thrill of a hunt for obscure references through her own archives every now and again, that was her own business.

Stylus in hand, she was ready to begin.

“You mentioned martial arts?”

“Right. Yes. I’m studying the fighting style of the Kante people which they used to reclaim their lands 7000 years ago after it was conquered in the Chandrillan Divide. The politics of the reclamation itself have been documented to death but there’s kriff all discussing how they actually fought,”

Master Nu hummed sympathetically, listening as a classic university post-graduate research tragedy poured out in all its glory. The purple shadows smeared under Tema’s dark eyes suggested that more than one night had been lost to this.

It was a credit to her Jedi training and skill as an archivist that Master Nu could write notes, elegant script flitting smoothly across the datapad without misspelling a single title or name, while offering comforting hums and interjecting words of encouragement where Tema faltered.

“So now I need to piece it together myself in order to build a theory on how the Kante people approached battlefield strategy,” Tema finished, fidgeting with their bag strap.

Setting her stylus down, Master Nu surveyed the drafted list with a critical eye. It was a daunting selection. She weighed the situation in her mind and carefully turned the datapad off, placing it down with a muted click of metal on the polished stone table.

“That’s quite the task you’ve got” Master Nu said, “more than an Honours project scope covers.”

She loathed to discourage any scholar but there were limits to the workload that could be shouldered and she had a strict honesty policy. With all her Jedi compassion and experience ad Head Archivist, Master Nu knew how to recognise when a student needed guidance in whittling down their research focus to a reasonable magnitude.

“I know,” Tema sighed, shoulders sagging, “I know but my project topic has already been approved by my supervisor.”

“Dear, your project as it stands is enough to satisfy a PhD and beyond. I can tell you are passionate about it but it’d be a tragedy for you to fail because you tried to complete years’ worth of work in the 10 months you have.”

The blue nautolan wilted a little, head tails curling.

“I don’t see what choice I have. I can’t form a thesis on the merits of Kante strategy without knowing how it worked at the individual level,” they said, resignation colouring their force signature grey with worry.

Master Nu paused, and after a moment spoke.

“Have you considered centring your project on the martial arts itself? At the individual level, as you say. Leaving the rest aside to focus on that should technically be within your project topic.”

Tema blinked, “That’s…that would work. Yes.”

Master Nu watched as they turned the idea over, considering how to approach it.

“Yes. That would make it more of a research-and-reconstruction project. A literature review with practical application.”

They gave a wry smile, “I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before.”

Some of the frazzled emotion of their presence eased and a few threads of humour sparked in its wake.

“I could have saved myself from being sick from worry in the University ‘freshers yesterday.”

They flushed a little darker at that admission and Master Nu suppressed what would have been a rather unprofessional snort of amusement as she clicked the datapad back on. Ah, younglings. They never changed.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, dear. That amount of stress isn’t conducive to clarity of mind, I’d wager,” Master Nu soothed, deleting a few items from the list with a satisfied air, “You’re hardly the first person’s I’ve known to have an adverse reaction to academic stress. Now, I do believe this list is ready.”

Rising with more grace than her age suggested she was capable of, she smoothed the creases in her cream and straw-gold robes and led the way into the maze of columns and shelves. Tema followed a step behind in a manner that to any observers bore remarkable resemblance to a duckling following its mother – if ducklings were six-and-a-half feet tall, that is.

“Somehow I find it hard to imagine a Jedi getting sick from assignments,” they mused absentmindedly, tipping their head to catch some of the book titles they passed, “all this information – it’d be hard to fail.”

Master Nu chuckled at that, passing through an archway into a side corridor.

“I’m afraid it can happen to anyone. One of my agemates routinely emptied his stomach at the prospect of examinations – that one, in fact,” she said, gesturing to one of the bronze busts lining the hall. The metallic features gave the human man depicted a severe expression. In Master Nu’s opinion, it was rather true to life even if the beard was far to neatly sculpted.

“The poor man. Perfection was as much his vice as his virtue.”

She smiled fondly, crows’ feet crinkling with nostalgia at sharing this particular story – at sharing the humanity of someone so proud and distant both in life and artistic rendition.

Tema faltered and the markings on their head tails blanched light blue.

“Oh, uh, my condolences.”

“Hmm?” Master Nu turned to them, “Oh no, he’s not dead. He’s retired.”

“Oh,”

They blinked, nonplussed.

“This way, dear”

The pair continued on their winding path. Master Nu, frequently gesturing to some architectural feature or other with her datapad, began to explain how the Jedi Archival system worked, pausing every now and then to pull a tome from the shelves.

“It is what many have described as ‘archaic’,” she said, stepping deftly onto the fourth rung of a sliding ladder attached to one of the shelves to reach her next target, “but no one—and I mean no one—has said it is an ineffective system.

“At least not in my earshot,” she said with a laugh, pulling the volume from its place and passing it down to Tema. The rumours the initiates (and fully-grown Knights) liked to spread about Master Nu’s draconian defence of the archives may not be entirely accurate but were taken by most as a warning to avoid slandering the archive in her presence. She knew Tholme liked to stir the pot and recount tales of her lightsabre prowess to the initiates, no matter that the stories were thirty years out-of-date.

“That being said, it can take some getting used to. The Padawans and Knight Archivists are always around and willing to retrieve sources for our visitors.”

Master Nu dismounted from the ladder, blew dust from her sleeve, and turned a critical eye on to the stack of books and datapads in Tema’s arms that had been steadily growing in size. The scholar looked strong enough to take a couple more, taking into account that their bulging bag would not fit anything more inside.

“That’s the last one from this aisle.”

She clicked her tongue and marked a check on her list next to the sources they were borrowing. They were all copies, of course, or volumes easily enough to source a replacement that their loss wouldn’t be abhorrent. Nonetheless, clean records made maintaining the collection less stressful on her soul.

On that note, Master Nu was pleased to feel that Tema was no longer pouring stress into the force like an anxious firehose. And—

She stilled, tilting her head as a familiar presence tickled the edges of her senses.

“Master Nu?” Tema asked, noticing her change in manner.

“Nothing to worry about,”

She once again took the lead. Down the aisle, then one aisle to the left and as they rounded the corner Master Nu smiled at the sight before her.

A little blue and beige figure was hunched over a book resting on the floor, absentmindedly gnawing on her Padawan silka beads and completely oblivious to the world around her.

“Padawan Secura! Why am I not surprised?” Master Nu called lightly and the twi’lek girl jerked, breaking from her literature-induced reverie to scramble to her feet.

“I’m not skipping sabre class again. I swear!”

Had it been any other Padawan of Aayla’s age group, Master Nu would think that emphatic declaration of innocence meant the Padawan in question was skipping class. Skywalker came to mind as a repeat offender of that variety.

Only question was that Junior Padawan sabre classes were always on Taungsday afternoons—this afternoon—and had been since before Master Nu was a crecheling. She hummed, unconvinced.

“Knight Kenobi is doing catch-up lessons this week and he said my forms were good enough to skip.”

That explained it. It seemed only yesterday that he’d been roaming the archives as a padawan himself, tearing through histories of the planets he’d visited at Qui-Gon’s side with single-minded focus. Shame that his lineage had picked him up before her own could. He would have made a fantastic archivist despite his record of being convinced to scale the bookshelves whenever Vos got temple fever.

Well, at least Aayla’s fencing education was in good hands.

Master Nu beamed at Aayla, “Then good work padawan and, as you are free, would you like to join us in gathering sources for Scholar Induri here?”

Aayla brightened, “Absolutely!”

And then, remembering her diplomacy training, bowed to Tema, setting her Padawan beads swinging. “Nice you meet you, Scholar.”

She scooped up the book she had been reading and as she put it back in its slot, Master Nu glimpsed the title.

“Reading Bastilla Shan again are we Padawan?”

The padawan blushed, fiddled with her tunic and handily dodged the teasing with a question of her own, “What are we looking for, Master?”

“See for yourself, young one,” Master Nu passed over the datapad, pointing to the highlighted entries.

Aayla squinted at the handwriting for a second before passing the pad back and running away down the aisle, one hand skimming the shelf labels. Padawans were lovely to have around and, watching Aayla slide 4 meters down a ladder and return to them with a grin plastered across her face, Master Nu wondered if she should take another student. Or, better yet, invite her former Padawans around for tea to see if more Grandpadawans would be joining the lineage soon.

“Thank you, dear,” she gave Aayla a pat on the head, “I’ll leave you to your reading. Just don’t forget to remind your Master that he needs to renew the materials he borrowed last month.”

Then, she turned to Tema who hadn’t made so much as a peep the past five minutes, seemingly satisfied to observe the interaction.

“Let’s get these checked out so you can get to reading them.”

Back to the main desk, the archivist and scholar wandered, and a minute later there was a new name entered into the borrowing database.

“Again, thank you for everything, Master Nu” Tema said, gathering the stack back into their arms. They were a little overwhelmed but they were smiling.

“Dear, it’s no trouble. One last thing, are you planning on enlisting someone practised in martial forms in your project? Or were you aiming for a more theoretical illustration of your findings?”

Tema cast their eyes to one side and shifted their weight.

“Ideally, yes, but I have no idea where to find someone like that so…theoretical?”

They trailed off.

“Good. I’m free to ask around here, then,” Master Nu said, tugging Tema’s bag strap so it was in less immediate danger of falling of their shoulder.

“If you need any help at all, don’t hesitate to send me a message or drop by. My archive is always open,”

At that, she tucked a slip of flimsy with her com code underneath the top datapad in the stack and gave Tema a parting pat on the cheek. With hope in their step, the scholar passed back out the archive doors, into the sunlight of the hall beyond.

Content, Master Nu smiled and watched them go.

“Now,” she mused to herself, opening the roster of temple-bound jedi and beginning to peruse the list, “who to ask…”

Her thoughts turned to the bronze bust of a man whose devotion to esoteric research was only outmatched by his skill with a blade.

His legacy…

Her eyes caught on a name. Yes, that would do very nicely indeed.

In the interest of vetting the source she intended to recommend, Master Nu made a mental note to attend next week’s exhibition tournament.

[dreamcatcherjiah]

PART 11

💞Tight Hearts (Idol!Hoseok x Reader)

Plot: The red string of fate was visible when our grandparents were children. They would play around, following the strings from one person to their soulmate and laugh happily when these two people inevitably found each other. It was a reason for happiness. But little by little, people stopped seeing the threads. In bad times, it was dangerous, it was a liability, so people stopped seeing them to protect each other from harm. When I was born, nobody saw them anymore, they just felt their soulmate. Anxiety, happiness, sorrow, love, the hearts of the soulmates are one, feel the same things, but it is almost impossible to find your soulmate, now that the threads cannot be seen.

Tight Hearts Masterlist

Part 11

A/N: I may have gone a bit overboard with this one, but I literally couldn't stop writing! I hope you guys like it! Tell me what you thought? ILY🥺♥️

The boys were practising for their next comeback and they could see how you, from the other side of the room, were desperately trying not to freak out at being allowed in the room while they did. The song was powerful, dark and all-around a fantastic feast for the eyes, or so had you blurted out to Jhope when he asked about your opinion. You had instantly turned absolutely red and went to hide in the furthest corner of the practice room, as far as you could go without feeling discomfort. He thought that was cute.

He went back to his dance, losing himself in the movements, letting go of his thoughts and only moving with the music. The choreography was still in the early stages, the changes in position weren’t as seamless as he would have liked, Tae nearly kicked him while trying to do the one-handed turn, but it was okay since they had time to polish every single thing before January. They moved into the title song, which still was missing some of his rap. He hadn’t been precisely in the right frame of mind to finish his bars but now, nothing was stopping him from taking you into his studio and getting to work. The choreography needed it anyway, there was no link between the first chorus and Yoongi hyung’s part, which made it incredibly difficult to choreograph anything. What they could do, however, was perfect the dance-break, Jin hyung had opted out when given the option and that left them in two groups of three. During his part, Hoseok’s eyes moved on their own accord and focused on your reflection in the mirror. Your embarrassment had completely disappeared from your face, now filled with awe. You followed every move with rap attention, your head bopping with the low base as his body moved and hit every beat. His heart swelled when he felt how pride radiated out of your every pore, reaching him through the bond, energising his soul, endowing his last steps with strength and precision. Now was Jungkookie, Yoongi and Namjoonie’s turn, their turns already flawless; Joonie’s face alight with glee when he managed the turn made you laugh. Yes, he was happy. You made him happy with only your presence but, the appreciation and the support you were giving them, not only because of your being an Army, touched something inside his chest.

When the music stopped, some of them dropped to the floor, almost all of them, save for Namjoon. He skipped his way over to you, screaming euphoric after nailing the choreography for the first time, zero mistakes! He grasped your hands and pull you upright, dancing around the room, jumping and turning, making you laugh in glee. The sound of you laughing made them all stop, no longer catching their breaths, but looking at the tender picture of you and Namjoon. His eyes glancing around at his brothers, Hoseok caught glimpses of Jiminie’s eyes hiding behind crescents when he smiled, Tae and JK laughing in disbelief, how Jin hyung took out his phone to record and winked at him, as if telling him I will send this to you later, don’t worry. Yoongi hyung was simply just looking at him, a deep glint of pride in his eyes and a satisfied smirk breaking through his impassive façade.

Hoseok’s feet took him, without even realising, to where you were standing now, your hip resting against the refreshments table with a huge grin splitting your face. Head devoid of thought he just got closer and closer to you, wrapped his arms around your waist and rested his head on your shoulder. He sensed the second when you registered what he was doing, your body tensing, to relax instantly. Your hand flew to his head, resting there and caressing the short, damp strands of his hair behind his ears.

A chorus of teasing voices surrounded the two of you, Hoseok not paying any attention to the jabs, only focusing on how his muscles had untangled and his agitated breathing had instantly calmed the second he touched you. His rapid heartbeat, he knew, was not due to the straining dance moves he just did. It was you, it was all you, surrounding him. Your scent inadvertently invading his senses, your hand moving from his head to the nape of his neck to finally rest around his shoulders in an all-encompassing hug. His breath now caught in his throat when his traitorous brain told him how the depth of his feelings, so fresh and novel, was reaching a point of no return. He didn’t care. As long as you were this bright presence by his side, he would never regret his feelings for you.

After joining Hoseok and Namjoon in the latter’s studio while they worked on some verses for the title song, you met the rest of the boys and all of you were led in the same cars you arrived at a restaurant to have dinner. The place was deserted as Hoseok led you by the hand to a private dining room where a huge round table was set for eight. The managers just led you in, told some things to Namjoon and Jin and left you to your own devices.

The room was nosy, with a happy Hoseok to your left and Seokjin to your right, your eardrums bursting, but still, you were happy.

“Taehyungie hyung almost ended up hanging up his wet shoes in the company’s bathroom!” Shouted Jungkook, his belly laugh so contagious that even Tae ended up laughing while trying to explain.

“You just hate your shoes Taehyung! Everyone knows it!” You told him, eating some bulgogi from Hoseok’s plate while he was distracted laughing.

“Now, that’s not fair, you have an unfair advantage,” Tae answered, setting his elbows on the table and supporting his weight on them, “you know an awful lot about us and we know practically nothing about you, miss Army,” his teasing remark made you instantly shut up, a blush reaching your ears. Hoseok instantly projected his care toward you, wanting to let you know that Tae didn’t mean it with malice.

Taking a deep breath, you braced yourself, searched for Hoseok’s hand and looked Taehyung straight in the eyes. “What do you guys want to know?”

Mischievous looks transformed the boys’ faces until Jin reined them in and calmed them by saying: “She may know about us, but she doesn’t really know us.”

While the staff came in and set the rest of the plates on the table, silence covered all of you. Seokjin was right. All of you knew it. You being a fan allowed you to know a certain amount of information about them, only the little bits that they chose to display, the little bits they shared. But there were many more sides to their personalities that they had kept close to their hearts. Namjoon wasn’t always the confident leader, his clumsiness too much for him sometimes. Yoongi, the quietest one, had been loud and supportive during rehearsals, running after the maknae line in a sort of catch-me-if-you-can game. They cared for each other in different ways, giving Hoseok a bottle of water as soon as he looked more winded than usual, hugging him from behind when a routine didn’t match his expectations… If anything, getting to know them from this close only made you love them more.

“You can ask me anything you want, it’s only fair. I’ll do my best to answer sincerely,” you smiled up at these men, so different between each other and yet they all had the same surprised look plastered on each of their faces. Hoseok recovered quicker than his brothers and reached you to kiss your cheek. Far from shying away from his show of affection, you smiled up at him, tightened your hold on his hand, and faced the table.

Namjoon was the first one to speak, brows furrowed as he played around with the food on his plate. “Let’s make this fair as you say,” he told you, “for each question from us you answer, we tell you something about us. I’ll start.” He looked around and after seeing six nods, took a deep breath and looked at you in the eye.

“I hate when we get asked questions about our personal lives during interviews about our music. They don’t care about it, they just want what Army can do. And I despise that.” His eyes were alight with sincerity as he opened up about himself, not about RM, but Namjoon. Smiling at him and nodding, you wordlessly thank him and give him the cue to ask you a question. “When did you start feeling pain because of the bond?”

Seeing his question had taken you by surprise, he looked sheepishly at you, waiting for your answer. He had dived right in.

“I was seventeen, maybe around 2011, it was something weird, like a pull behind the ribs. It wasn’t too much of a bother at the beginning, that changed over the years.”

Contemplating your words, the boys kept eating in silence while they mulled over who was going to ask you next.

“I… hate when people get close to us for our fame and use it against us,” said Jin next to you. His face was calm, his words steady. “Did you ever think it wasn’t worth it? Having a soulmate?”

Instinctively, your right hand flies towards his left, squeezing and looking at him. You didn’t have the strength to answer that question looking at Hoseok.

“A few months ago… I took a few days off work. The pain was so bad back then that I couldn’t even get up from the bed. I didn’t know who they were, but I just knew they were suffering the same pain I was. Hurting them that way didn’t make it worth it, I wanted to end it that day. I am not proud of it, but I don’t regret thinking it either.”

Suddenly, a wave of sadness hits you like a ton of bricks, just as Hoseok’s head rests on your shoulder. Jin looks at your wide eyes and smiles at you calmly. His presence is something you could never repay him for, you valued what a gift he was to the people around him. Without saying a word, you turn back to Hoseok, hugging him around the neck, only wanting to get rid of those negative feelings inside him. After a while, still agitated and without looking at you, he spoke.

“My biggest fear was being the reason my soulmate could potentially die,” he whispered, so low that you were sure nobody else had heard him. He shook himself out of his feelings and with a smile that didn’t really reach his eyes, spoke his question. “What do you value the most in life?”

Giving him back the biggest smile you could muster, you didn’t even need to think what to answer. It already was second nature, to tell the truth to this wonderful man, no questions asked.

“My independence, my parents always taught me how to be independent and I love the feeling of being able to provide for myself, give myself little prices when I feel like I’ve done something right and I am satisfied how it turned out.” Hoseok hadn’t taken his eyes away from yours as you answered, pride sweeping out of him as he kissed your forehead and settled you against his side for the time being. How fast had he caught on to know that you needed his comfort only from looking at your eyes?

The faces around the table were solemn and you got the feeling that the relaxed atmosphere they had intended for dinner had gone out the door the second Tae unknowingly started the interrogation. You wanted to stop, but you didn’t have the heart when they were also confessing to you, showing you parts of themselves. It was then when you realised that they also needed to tell you, not because they wanted to pay you somehow for the information you were giving up; they wanted you to get to know them as they were getting to know you. Jungkook was getting fidgety by the second and he was boring a hole in his plate with his stare until he raised his eyes and blurted out his confession.

“I grew up in the spotlight and I am used to the lack of privacy it brings, but when my life is aired out when scandals come out, I just want to be a 23 year old whose biggest concern is handing in essays on time and looking for a job,” he didn’t stop to breath while leaving it all out in the open and, giving the lack of reaction of his older brothers, this wasn’t the first time he lamented his lost childhood. “What is your happiest memory?”

You did have to think about that question; despite the pain, your college years had been some of the happiest of your life, when you picked up dancing and some of your best friends to the date you met then. Thinking clearly, there was a clear image in your head when you thought about the happiest moment of your life.

“It may have been my last year of college, some of my friends had been abroad the year before and we hadn’t seen each other in months. We met for Halloween, bought a ton of food and a lot of alcohol,” you chuckled, already happy only at remembering those couple of days, “we went to one of my friend’s house, we had pizza for dinner, listened to music and got drunk! I still remember clearly how my friend started dancing to Chungha and even dropped to the floor in the chorus of Gotta Go! We started speaking in English and we couldn’t switch back to Korean! We even started hugging each other every time we refilled our drinks…” you hadn’t noticed how you had raised your voice as you excitedly remembered that day, gesticulating with your hands, and now everyone in the room was happily looking at you, sweet smiles in their faces. You blushed a little bit and turned towards your soulmate, his head only a tad bit taller than you when he hugged you like this. His eyes were reflecting the happiness you were feeling and showing you just how much he cared for you.

Yoongi coughed a little, breaking the little bubble inside which you found yourself with Hoseok, making you focus on him.

“I know that, no matter what, music will always be a part of my life, but I am scared that people might misinterpret my message, dub me something I am not. Someone I am not,” he said, with such a conviction that the room descended into silence again. Even if his statement was frightening, how much of him depended on being understood, his gummy smile instantly made an appearance and, deviating his eyes to Hoseok for a millisecond, he asked: “Are you happy?”

“Immensely,” you responded, not needing to think and not needing to hide. After such a sincere question, that didn’t need further explanation, you looked at the two remaining men, while your soulmate’s arms tightened around you.

Taehyung and Jimin glanced at each other, debating who would go next and seemed to reach an agreement between them when Taehyung spoke first.

“I miss my grandmother a lot these days, I am always wondering what she would have said if she saw how far we’ve all come,” he told you, eye to eye, with a nostalgic smile that made his face solemn and distantly happy at the same time. “What are you most grateful for?”

The answer came instantly to your lips, but you had the good sense to clasp them closed before you blurted it out. You contemplated modifying your answer until something caught your attention; Namjoon was focusing all his attention on you, jaw locked and raised eyebrow, daring you to lie, to half-ass your way out of the question. That alone gave you the courage to say it, but it didn’t mean you couldn’t hide while saying it. Burying your face in your soulmate’s chest, you spoke up, loud enough so everyone in the room could hear.

“Hoseok.”

Loud whoops and peals of laughter could be heard even at the entrance of the restaurant, Hoseok’s chest vibrated with his sweet laughter, not restraining himself, he kissed the crown of your head several times and tightened, if it was even possible at this point, his hold on you until your ribs hurt.

Coming around the table with a face-splitting grin on his face, Jimin took your hand in his and extracted you from a not-so-happy Hoseok, who pretended to sulk while Jimin directed you to a part of the room that didn’t have furniture in it.

“I hated you at the beginning because you were hurting Hoseokie hyung, but now I don’t ever want you to ever leave,” he said all this with his sweet smile and didn’t even give you time to ponder on what he had said when he was asking, “Truth or dare?”

With a confused face, you hesitantly answered dare and began regretting it almost instantly, as he pulled out his phone, and gave it to Taehyung.

“I dare you to keep up with me dancing to Fake Love, if you manage, I’ll give you whatever you want,” Jimin told you, eyes filled with mischief and feet already moving of their own accord. Your jaw could have practically touched the floor.

“Are you… I haven’t danced in years, HOW DO YOU EVEN THINK I COULD KEEP UP WITH YOU?!” You accused, hearing disbelieving laughs behind you, “You just want me to make a fool of myself,” crossing your arms over your chest and stomping your foot, you were the picture-perfect image of a petulant child.

“You don’t fool me, I have been watching you while we practised, you know our choreos, you couldn’t keep yourself still and the movements that got away from you were precise and on the beat. You can do this, I just want to see if you have the courage,” he mocked you, arms cross in imitation of your silly pose and haughtiness rolling off of him in waves. Hoseok was looking between the both of you, looking oddly offended and pensive.

Now, pride wounded, you weren’t thinking in how seven professional idols were looking at you and analysing your every move, you just wanted to wipe the silly smile off his face. Signalling for Taehyung to start the song, Jimin asked whose part you wanted to dance. With a hoarse Hobi’s you tried to warm up your muscles at record speed, with your luck, the best end of the night would be you breaking a leg.

Before the music started playing, Taehyung telling you he’d give you a cue so you weren’t caught off guard with the sudden start, you closed your eyes. Among your anxiousness, you felt, strong and latent, how pride was slowly filling you, from the tip of your toes reaching up until there wasn’t a single part of your body that didn’t feel the emotion. Reassured and certain that Hoseok was still there, Taehyung gave you the cue and the music started.

In the beginning, your muscles screamed at you in outrage after so many months of disuse, outrightly refusing to cooperate. Still, you managed to keep in time with Jimin, his steps so fluent it didn’t even seem difficult for him. The chorus was tricky, you needed to put the energy you didn’t have behind your movements, needed to make it look flawless, one foot in the wrong place and you’d trip. Your breathing became laboured and you focused harder, that special calm that used to envelop you when you danced washing around you and blocking out everything but the music and the constant presence of Hoseok next to your heart.

Your back hurt when you had to crouch down and it still protested a little bit when you were supposed to be fighting with Taehyung and Namjoon while Yoongi rapped, but you pushed through. Now more than halfway through the song, you were aware that your eyes were open but unseeing, you were aware of Jimin waltzing laps around you but you didn’t care. After having to quit dancing because of the pain, you were feeling it again, the rush, the adrenaline. You were feeling the euphoria of it all.

You kneeled on the ground, while Jimin stood behind you, pretending that Taehyung was there, holding him. Then you got up and turned your back to the room, catching your breath, coming down from the high dancing had given you. The last chords of the outro came out of the speakers and you rolled your torso backwards to end up enveloping Jimin in an awkward hug. The song was over.

Breathing hard, and not hearing a single noise in the room, you dared a look around and found six pairs of wide-open eyes focused solely on you. Turning your head a bit to the right gave you a glimpse of a proudly smiling Jimin nodding at you.

“Was I that bad?” You asked, and six sets of jaws dropped to the tablecloth.

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