#this stuff is due at 5 PM. if i can get it done by then. ill be fine

[apocalypticdemon]

oh my god i am so tired of writing lmao

[jealousmartini]

It's 21:09, or 9:09 pm on the 12 hr clock shifters. You know the drill. Let's shift.

∘₊ ✧───────────────────✧₊∘

Some stuff I have included in my kpop drs (Specifically O.M.G and MKB) that make them really special to me😫🥹❤️

000 :: Friendships and crushes

Around 2011 to 2018, companies like BIGHIT, Starship, and JYP were very lenient toward friendships with other K-pop idols opposite their gender. This is so special to me because I have THE LOUDEST MOUTH EVER when it comes to who I've got a crush on (looking directly at you wonyoung, jungkook, nayeon, jhope, chuu, taehyung, jimin, keeho, yeonjun, yoongi, sana, jin and namjoon) and who I am best friends with. (looking directly at you wonyoung, jungkook, nayeon, jhope, chuu, taehyung, jimin, keeho, yeonjun, yoongi, sana, jin and namjoon again.) Yeah i am best friends with idols i have crushes on If you couldn't tell. This basically gave me the freedom to talk my ass off about "Ooo wait whys San from ateez kindaa" or "NAH cus what do yall know about my goat min yoonfreak yo." And "No cus I've got the biggest girl crush on Jennie from blackpink right now"

All companies would only become stricter with this after 2019 due to fans complaining about dating rumours and feeling like the relationships are too close (girl I know like I've heard these complaints before) because they like the idea of their idols being single. This makes the 3rd generation of kpop even more precious due to how open idols were with who they were friends with.

Just to make this clear tho, no one in BTS has confirmed or explicitly admitted they have a crush on anyone in O.M.G (or MKB for that matter) they have only mentioned how "so and so" is really cool or subtle compliments like "blah blah is actually really pretty" but I will admit Taehyung mouth is almost as big as mine when it comes to who he likes lmao and sometimes he makes it a little obvious with the "subtle hints" he gives☠️☠️

001 :: Fun facts about O.M.G and MKB!

OMG and MKB are practically the same. One of the only things that differentiate them from each other is the way OMG and MKB was introduced to the KPOP industry.

O.M.G started off as an independent kpop group made by 6 girls for fun but then ended up being adopted by JYP in 2015 because of how much they had blown up in Korea and JYP saw a lot of potential in O.M.G, but even before then, they were widely known and loved amongst Koreans and most of the Western world. It started off as an animated girl group, all music, choreography, aesthetics, designs and art were made by me lol but the girls were basically of me and my 5 friends. They would debut the same year JYP adopted them and it would be in 2016 when O.M.G was officially recognised and accepted as a kpop group.

O.M.G would also be labelled as the experimental group because O.M.G wasn't made to be serious but for fun and because of how successful every era of O.M.G is. I mean literally not a single genre they have done has flopped they are just that good.

Now MKB is literally the same as them. 6 girls who body every and all Genres and concepts and aesthetics like it's nothing. Icons. But MKB wasn't a pre-existing group. JYP had put these 6 girls together and allowed them Creative freedom. This was an experiment made by him that would only come around ONCE and ONE TIME ONLY. He wanted to see what 6 girls could random make together and see if they would be a hit (he wanted to copy BTS lmao) thus why MKB is labelled as the female BTS because of how similar their aura and character was. No one can explain it but everyone gets it.

Both O.M.G and MKB's fanbases are called "Charmings," and their fans independently refer to the members as "Darlings"

How did the fanbases of O.M.G AND MKB even come to be? Literally 70% of Charmings are originally ARMYs. Because of this I frequently refer to my fanbase as CHARMYs

O.M.G and MKB when they aren't abbreviated? O.M.G stands for Oh My Gosh and MKB stands for MaKe-Believe.

002 :: Small appearances in other idols mvs and helping produce music

Randomly popping up as a background character in a kpop group's mv who I am close to isn't rare. Sometimes it's not very obvious, sometimes I am literally hiding in plain sight. I tend to try not to do it too much tho. I can't be THAT ACCESSIBLE..

I already make all of my music from scratch. So I thought it would be pretty cool if I git nosy and helped TWICE or ITZY with ad-libs and instrumentals. No this isn't an excuse to hangout with them more why tf would you accuse me of that.

[theparadisepress]

Hey! On Monday, The Paradise Press will be going on a short hiatus due to complications with our recordings. Don't worry though, we should be back with haste! Our recordings for Sunday stay uncorrupted however, so they will be posted as expected. Stay tuned!

have a tpp!wilbur doodle as compensation

per usual, on an out of character note, i have a LLOT of precalc work i gotta get done so i wanna put stuff on hold until i can get a good backlog of asks answered and keep posts consistent 🫶 this is just so i can play catchup as much as possible and keep this consecutive without the constant stress of drawing until like 5 pm and then doing math until 1 am 😅 it won't be on hiatus for very long!! just until i get a good amount ready to queue and i have posts all ready for tomorrow! the inbox is still very open so send whatever asks you like (obviously within reason and all) and however many you like :)) have a good day/night everyone, i'll be back in the saddle soon enough !!

[ros3ybabe]

Day 11 - 90 Day Challenge 🎀

Yesterday (11-25) was kind of productive? I ended up working a 5 hour shift at my job instead of the 8 hour one I was supposed to which by no means upset me because I still made money either way. I tried to get some stuff done beforehand but I honestly just took the morning for rest. I also go back to work this morning as well so I'm really happy to get back to routine.

🏋‍♀️ Physical Health

took a 30+ minute walk around campus before I had to go to work

walked 9778 steps total

ate a really good salad with tomato, cucumber, romaine, shredded carrots, and balsamic vinegrette. (who knew balasamic vinegrette was so yummy!)

drank half a liter of essentia electrolyte water

stopped eating breakfast when I was comfortably satisfied and didn't push past my limits

ate 2 servings of fruit + 1 serving of almonds + 1 serving of cashews (so yummy, cashews and almonds for the win)

🧠 Mental Health

nothing that I can remember at the moment

❤️ Emotional Health

some more retail therapy. bought myself some oversized t shirts online to use as gym shirts/everyday shirts. I may be plus size but I still love me an big comfy t shirt, especially to workout. I think I bought 11 or 12 shirts? cost me 90$ USD.

📚 Intellectual Health

does it count if I said I did a lot of budgeting for what I was buying?

because otherwise, nothing else

🏘 Adulting

worked a 5 hour shift

phone call + zoom call with my boyfriend

took care of some laundry I had previously washed (still have more to take care of)

🥰 Self Love/Care

morning skincare

that's about it, but I think the walk helped my anxiety, and retail therapy always feels like self love because I used to feel guilty for buying myself stuff

Yesterday was a good day for sure. Today, my goals are to make it through my work shift, complete my reflection paper that's due tomorrow night, drink one liter of essentia electrolyte water, answer a journal prompt, and set myself up for tomorrow morning (I have a 730am class on Mon and Wed, so I gotta be up bright and early tomorrow!)

My Mondays are always so busy. Here's a little breakdown for those who are curious:

Wake up early, get ready, coffee, skincare, pack school bag, set out work stuff

Class at 730am to 845am

class from 9am to 1015am

quick snack at the dining hall at 1025am

review homework/tasks for the week

gym from 11am to 1215pm

walk home

shower, eat something proteiny, get ready for work

walk to work 130pm

work from 2pm to 10pm

get home, change/shower, zoom boyfriend

go to sleep by 11ish pm

I love Mondays tho, the routine always sets me up for the week!

Anywho, that's all for now!

Til next time, lovelies 🩷

[pensat-i-fet]

Boyfriend of the month (Rúben Dias x Reader)

**Fluffy boyfriend goals request that made me melt while I was writing it. Hope you enjoy it ❤️**

Word count: 1616

Masterlist

Wattpad

Hearing the alarm going off in the morning at 6.30 is painful enough. But the day has another surprise for me. When I try to sit up in bed, I can feel the pain stabbing my lower stomach. But it doesn’t make sense…my period is not due for another 3 days.

I get up to go to the toilet and can see the confirmation that my period decided to visit me a little early. How nice. I guess it missed me but I can’t reciprocate the feeling.

Fighting the pain, I go to the kitchen to try and eat some food just so I can take some tablets for the pain. There is no way I can go to work if I don’t get some relief for this debilitating pain.

My periods didn’t use to be this bad but a year ago something changed in my body and now I always fear this monthly day of pain.

Rúben: see you tonight! Do you want me to pick you up from work? Xx

Right, I forgot about my date with my boyfriend. And…as much as I would like to have him with me, hugging me with those strong arms, he can’t see me today. We’ve only been dating for two months and I don’t want him to see me like this. Also, my ex was an asshole that instead of supporting me when the periods got worse, just told me not to talk to him about it because it was “gross”.

I hate to be like this but I fear Rúben might do something similar. And I can’t deal with that heartbreak while my hormones are making my moods so weird.

Me: sorry, I can’t meet today. A lot of work. We can meet tomorrow? Xx

I hate lies so much. But this one is necessary. For now at least.

Rúben: I can bring some dinner to you then. I don’t mind waiting until you’re done.

Not the time to be dreamy and perfect, Dias.

Me: I have to stay in the office.

Me: looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

And that’s another lie. My boss knows about my terrible periods and she always allows me to work from home so I don’t have to take the bus in this state. So no office for me today either. Just the sofa, a hot water bottle and my laptop. Let’s hope today is not that bad.

                                     **

At exactly 5 pm, I close my laptop and put it on my coffee table. I take a deep breath, which causes the cramps to feel even worse and just lie down on the sofa, closing my eyes and willing the pain to go away.

After a couple of minutes, I get up to grab some water and another tablet but the doorbell interrupts my little trip. Who could it be? A delivery?

“Rúben?”

“Do you want to explain to me why you lied?”

I take another deep breath and now that I’m standing, it causes me to bend down from the horrible pain.

“Hey, what’s going on? Are you ok?”

He kneels down in front of me, trying to see my face for clues of what could be happening but I keep trying to hide.

“Just go. Why are you here? I told you I couldn’t see you”.

But he doesn’t listen. He just picks me up and closes the door before taking me to the sofa so I can lie down there again.

“Hot water bottle, medicine, all your work stuff right here…you could have just told me you were sick. Are you afraid it’s contagious?”

“You definitely can’t catch this”, I say, my voice weak from how much pain I’m in.

“What is it then…”, but then he sees me holding my stomach and gets it. “Yeah, not something I’ll catch”.

His laugh confuses me. Is he making fun of me now? Or is it just me being paranoid because of how my ex acted?

“Yeah, well, now that you know you can leave”.

“I’m not leaving you while you can barely move because of the pain you’re in. What do you need?”

“Water for my medicine”, I don’t even get to finish the sentence before he gets up to go to the kitchen.

I try to sit up before he comes back so I can take the tablet and when he sees me, he runs towards the sofa again.

“Don’t move. I’ll help you”.

“It’s fine, thank you”.

Tablet is taken, now time to wait.

“You can leave. I’ll be fine in a bit”.

“Can you get through that thick skull of yours that I’m not leaving?”

“But it’s just…girl stuff”.

His confused face is quite adorable.

“Doesn’t this gross you out?”

“Why would it?”

“Because I have my period”.

He’s still confused but chuckles slightly.

“I mean, I don’t want you to be in pain but given we’ve only been together for two months, I’m quite happy to know your period keeps visiting you”.

His words make me laugh, which causes more pain from the cramps and the laugh turns into a groan.

“Sorry”, he says, putting my head on his lap. “I’ll stop being so hilarious until you’re no longer in pain”.

I close my eyes when he starts to play with my hair and just let that soothe me while the tablet keeps working its magic and getting rid of the annoying cramps.

“Is there something you want to eat?”

“My stomach doesn’t feel great but I could eat some soup. I’ll make some in a bit”.

“No, you won’t”, he says, moving a bit to get his phone out of the pocket of his jeans. “I’ll order you some from that place you like”.

When I no longer feel pain, I start to get up, causing Rúben to freak out.

“I’m fine”, I laugh, “and I need the toilet. I’ll be right back”.

By the time I’m back in the living room, Rúben has removed all the rubbish I’ve accumulated during the day from the table.

“We can have dinner here”.

“You really don’t have to stay, Rúben”.

“You know? I’m a little hurt”.

Not what I expected him to say right now.

“Why?”

“Remember the week after we met?”

The little smirk on my face tells him I clearly do.

“I had a little injury and you refused to leave my side. Then a couple of weeks ago, I hurt my finger again”.

“Because you aren’t careful lifting those weights that are heavier than me”.

“Whatever. I hurt my finger and you refused to leave my side. And believe me, a little blister wasn’t that big of an issue. It definitely didn’t leave me unable to move from how much pain I was in”.

“I get it”.

“Do you? Why do you get to look after me but I don’t get to do the same?”

Because I’m an idiot.

“Because I was worried you would be a typical man, being weird around me just because I’m bleeding. I didn’t want you to disappoint me, I guess”.

“Well, I’m not…anymore. We grow and we learn”.

I laugh because I get it.

“I’m sorry. Can you look after me now?”

“Not sure you deserve it”.

But I can tell he’s joking because of the tone he’s using.

“Pleaaaase, can you look after your girlfriend that is in so much pain and needs a lot of hugs and kisses?”

“I guess I’ll have to. How am I going to win boyfriend of the month if I don’t?”

“You might even win boyfriend of the year”.

“I’m not winning player of the season with Erling on the team so I need any other award I can get”.

While I’m getting changed in my room, I hear the doorbell again and by the time I go back to the sofa, Rúben has already placed all of our food on the table.

“I’m actually starving”.

“I got you the bread you like too. Soup isn’t enough food”.

“Thank you”, I say, sitting down next to him and hugging his side. I could stay like this all day.

After eating my soup, the bread and some dumplings I stole from Rúben’s plate, I feel ready to nap for 20 hours. More or less.

“Do you want to go to bed?”, asks Rúben and I nod. “Ok, get ready while I tidy up here”.

“Don’t take too long. I need cuddles”.

It’s not even 7.30 but I’m definitely ready for this day to be over. So I get into my warm bed and get comfortable while I wait for Rúben to be back.

It doesn’t take him long and when he gets in bed with me, I immediately feel his arms bringing me closer to him.

“Where does it hurt?”, he says, his breath tickling the back of my neck.

“It doesn’t hurt anymore, really”:

“Where did it hurt?”

So I take his hands to the area where the cramps were stabbing me today. It still feels a little tender from being in pain for so long. But when he starts to draw little circles with his long fingers, I melt.

“That feels nice”.

“Imagine how nice it would have felt when you were in all that pain”.

“There is always next month”.

“Do you really feel this bad every month?”

I turn my head slightly to look at him and his worried face warms my heart.

“Sadly, yes”.

“God, I’m glad it isn’t contagious, then”.

And this time I can properly laugh at his joke without any cramps attacking me, and while I enjoy my boyfriend holding me tight to make me feel safe in this vulnerable moment.

[riewritten]

what do you think Erwin considers himself that he sucks at but at the same time he enjoys doing it? suddenly i thought of tiktoks that are like "having a hobby you're bad at is okay". do you have any hobbies you consider yourself not good at too?

tbh i think the "bad" and "good" stuffs are all social constructs, but i'm still struggling with crocheting just bc i think i suck but at the same time i know that's something i do for relax. still sometimes i can't afford to think that way??? do you have the same problem and have you overcome it? i have no idea if this is a prompt or just me asking you stuffs.

do you often project what you're thinking into your writing and visual arts and any other form of art?

oh my god this is getting nowhere 🥲🥲 thank you for reading Rie. have a good day!!!

THE BEST BIRTHDAY

ERWIN SMITH X GEN NEUTRAL!READER

TAGS: fluff, slice of life, kissing, comfort, office romance AU, idiots in love, insecurities, and AAAA HAPPEE BIRTHDAY ERWIN (this also goes with my most recent ask)

WORDS: 2.9k

hi @frenchdyer ❤ i know i took this long bc i've been thinking about this. like the otherworldly self-reflectio i only tend to have once in a year or whenever i'm PMS-ing lol. how's your crocheting? were you able to improve somehow months after you had sent me this msg? my sister gifted me a crochet kit, so i've been planning to learn, too!

on a personal note, the hobby i suck at but enjoy doing nonetheless is drawing! perhaps it's a self-esteem issue, but i've been drawing since i was 5. the passion came to me even before i learned how to write! due to the amount of years i've been trying to master it only to have minimal progress, i can say drawing is smth i can never admit i'm good at. but i came to terms to it now (when i was in highschool i was so insecure about it lol) and bc i did, i draw things to enjoy, not bc i'm utterly pressured to improve!

On the surface, even his closest friends would have a different time answering this question. It's Erwin we're talking about, after all! The literal embodiment of academic perfection and charisma!

Erwin also wants to think of something other than an answer. Although he admits his flaws well when someone points them out, he wants to be good at everything as much as possible. For a perfectionist like him, self-admittance would mean giving up!

It is until you said something that made him recnsider. "Sometimes, I don't see you as a human."

In hindsight, the context of your question was, "What do you want to have for your birthday?" but Erwin seems to be the type to already have the things he'd want and need in life, perhaps if one were to speak materially. Every gift he'd receive would only impact him a little, and you want to change that.

He chuckles at the remark, amused as your features remain serious, "Do I feel like an alien?"

"Dunno," you shrug without turning up at him—only at the papers, hiding a frustrated blush. "And if you're actually a slimy organism underneath? It scares me."

You hear the office chair sliding towards you, and as swift as ever, Erwin's hand is on top of yours. He squeezes it gently, and you try to hold your fluster by glaring at him. Luckily. Only the two of you are in the office; what would the others say if they saw this? You and Erwin made it clear to keep your relationship hidden by acting 'decent' in public places.

He lets you feel its warmth first, although unsure of the reason why, then he guides your hand towards his cheeks. He presses your palm on it. 

"W-what?"

Erwin casually leans his cheek to your palms, albeit with a tranquil expression contrary to you, perhaps amusingly watching your reaction. "Mind repeating what you said earlier?"

"I said underneath. Hypothetically. And I don't mean it literally as well."

"Underneath? Well, that's quite a unique way of asking me to—"

You swatted your hand away and lightly hit his chest as you couldn't hold the fluster. "Stop playing with me. I'm not done yet."

"Well, I'm done."

"Please don't make it my problem."

"I'm actually offering to help."

You perk up in glee. If Erwin's to help, then you might as well consider yourself done. You pulled your chair away from your desk so Erwin could look at it.

However, Erwin asks something completely unrelated amidst the heap of your paperwork. "Why do you not see me as a human?"

"You feel like some sort of god."

"Silly, that's a metaphor that would fit you more."

"Oh, you. Stop flustering me." you huff in sarcasm. "You know about the crocheted scarf I was planning to give you before winter ends?"

"Yeah, and it's summer already. I'm still waiting for it, though."

"I threw it away."

"Huh?" Erwin looks at you in surprise, eyebrows twitched in confusion, perhaps in a whine. He knows you've been trying so hard for it. "Why would you?"

"I'm not good at it."

"But you were enjoying it. You told me so."

"Not because I enjoy it means I'm good at it," you then smile in defeat. "Let's just say I'm not as fast at learning as you are, no matter how much the task interests me. Maybe that's why I sometimes can't deem you human, too. Too good for me, I think."

Erwin could only observe you afterward. You don't try to make it a big issue, none but admittance that unpretentiously comes out of your mouth. As much as it is, perhaps, concerning self-esteem, Erwin is the one hit by it. The way you could admit your flaws a bit too easily and go home without pondering on it is something he couldn't easily do even if he tried. It takes one to help overcome an insecurity and another to admit his own.

"That's not true."

"It is. You really excel at everything, Erwin. That's something I also yearn to have for myself. You don't have flaws. Or, well, let's say you have one, but no normal being can see it so easily."

Well, you were able to lay down his flaws then and there. After all, he's having difficulty coming to terms with his flaws—or perhaps, on saying such admittances out loud. You are right. As much as Erwin demands you to open yourself up to him, some facets stay unsaid because he opts to and wants to remain an ideal image, perhaps one who can only admit his inadequacy if someone points it out. You're the complete opposite, though. You could admit your flaws and still end the day happily. The 'incompatibility', or so you might call it, could be giving him a hard time consoling you.

Oh, and when he recently enjoys consoling you the most. He really appreciates having you open up to him, enjoys the privilege of being able to take care of you as you let him, enjoys listening to your blabbers, and offers resolutions just like the strategic man he is. After all, he's one of the few people who sees that.

Only if he doesn't suck doing it.

"Oh no, did I say something that upset you?" you ask worriedly, sensing his silence.

And he's not the one to be given comfort right now, or so he thinks. It's as if you hit a nail, albeit unaware of how and where it hit him.

Just as if closing the distance is the needed nudge, Erwin pulls your figure towards him, holds both cheeks and surrenders to sweet kisses. Erwin's lips are warm, and the pace is languid. Yet, it's overwhelming enough to deprive you of your senses, let alone the urgent question of why he is suddenly acting the way he is. This might be the first time he got intimate with you inside the workplace. You know this type of kiss from him, too—he does it whenever he's dreary or after working on a significant research paper that got him weary.

The worry reverberates, and thus, you withdraw from the kiss, "Is this because of the scarf? I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have thrown it away. Don't worry, I'll make another one and—hmph!"

He cuts you off for another kiss, harsher this time, perhaps classified as a silent sulk for cutting off the lovely exchange, but no—you're wrong. It's not on you at all. Erwin is frustrated with himself. He holds onto your waist until you're seated on his lap and wraps his hand around your neck to press you further to his chest—hoping it would compensate for the distance you two have due to his inadequacies. To be great in giving you solace is to be vulnerable and imperfect; how could he do that?

He withdraws when both of you need air, albeit begrudgingly, "I'm sorry, Erwin. I know you waited for that scarf."

"No, it's not about that."

"Then what?"

He pretended to ponder for a few seconds, eyes roaming the room to gather his words. He pursed his lips before pointing out, "Don't you think the way you perceive me as a human far beyond you is a flaw I might have? Partners are not supposed to see each other that way."

"I'm merely exaggerating."

"Yes, but still."

"Are you saying you must apologize to me because you're such a perfect being?"

"No, because I'm failing to show you that I'm not."

Oh. 

You finally see where he's coming from. "Are you failing by choice?"

He averts his gaze away, "Yes."

"Then it can really be a flaw," you flash him a sympathetic smile, moving his face so he'd see you in the eyes again, "can you tell me why?"

“I'm not brave enough to show it the way other people do."

"You just did, honey."

"Not because I want to, but because I'm insecure about my inability to console you like a normal partner would. The way you perceive me right now says a lot about our distance. And mind you, doing this isn't even supposed to be this hard."

Both of you stopped. That is by far the most vulnerable thing he had said about himself since you started dating months ago—and it wouldn't even sound vulnerable unless it came out of Erwin's mouth. That's how hard he's been all this time.

He expects you to be annoyed. After all, that might be one of the shallowest reasons he had ever given, too.

But then you smile as if you appreciate him for saying that much—just as if you know it takes a lot for the Erwin Smith to admit something like that, "It's not something you can unlearn overnight. Do not fret."

He lets out a defeated chuckle, "That I know well."

"What's strange is that I'm not your first partner. How come this didn't become a problem with your previous ones?"

"Because people are content to perceive me that way. At some point, I preferred that, too. Honestly—" he leans his head on your shoulder, hands on your waist to keep your balance on his lap, "had it not affected the way I console you, I would prefer things to stay that way."

You pepper him with kisses all over his face, something he accepts as a reward, "Honestly, I would prefer you this way, too. A relationship with a god can be a bit of a struggle, after all."

"Indeed it is. What a struggle I have right now."

You glare at him, "What do you mean by that?"

He shakes his head nothing, hands lurking inside your shirt to feel you more, to shower you with reverence, "Let me finish this now. I miss our bed."

Today is his birthday, and you still need to think of a gift that could be deemed special.

As a last-minute reflection before giving up the gift that has been frustrating you for days, you try to ponder on the previous days since he opened up.

Erwin has become more talkative since then. He's always been chatty towards you since you started the relationship, especially when info dumping. However, this has a stark difference. He's trying too much as if matching an expectation no one but him had set up. Wording it as "forced" would perhaps hurt, but it's not something you could deny, either. Only when afternoon came did you realize how to fix it, with Erwin on a couch and crochet yarns on his lap. He has his phone at the coffee table and the familiar tutor video playing in the background. Eventually he sighs, unties the yarn, and repeats—this time with much precision, and you couldn't help but smile. When Erwin is about to learn something new, he locks himself in his office and spends the whole day studying it alone. Only now did you finally unravel why, and it's apparently part of his mentioned flaw that night.

He might be forcing himself lately, but it's the adjustment that counts.

Erwin perks up in surprise when you sit beside him and hold his hand. You guide his fingers into the correct way of tying the knot. You didn't say anything, and maybe you even tried to act like it's an everyday routine. Erwin pretends to listen and pick up the techniques you're blabbering, but in reality, he's just looking at your face. His lips are flat but twitching as he's trying to hold the urge to steal a kiss. He tries to inhale longer to indulge in the scent of your hair but not too much to call your attention. And as the moment passes, thirty minutes, perhaps because the video's finally done playing in the background, Erwin realizes something.

Just… just what held him back from being like this towards you? This is, in fact, a short step. The bare minimum, even. And even so, it felt genuinely liberating. Indeed, he's been forcing himself to be vulnerable recently, but this is the first time it exuded a positive feeling. 

Your hands gently stop, the instruction's done, and Erwin only realizes when you turn to look him in the eye, "You get it?"

"The what?"

"Huh?"

"Oh," Erwin tries to recall what his blank, sappy head might have digested so far, only to no avail. The only thing coming up in his mind right now is the smell of your shampoo. Perhaps his nerdy brain is trying to guess the unfamiliar flavor mix and earn your praise once his guess is correct. "I—uh—"

"You didn't listen at all."

He smiles, guilty.

You sigh, "I'm quite persistent, you see. We're not eating dinner until we both master this knot."

"Wouldn't this wait? I'm not in the mood anymore."

You shake your head and untie the yarn. But just as you're about to quip at his newfound impatience (and how cute he is trying to get the hang of it like a little kid learning origami), Erwin grasps the tool away from your hands and cups your cheeks.

He first lands a chaste peck on your forehead, then the bridge of your nose, then the tip of it, then the two cheeks, and finally, it deepens when he reaches for your mouth.

And because you are indeed a persistent being, you have no idea how shamelessly grateful Erwin was when you did more than just pull him in. He tried to stop himself, after all, for seconds in case it'd do anything better. Maybe you're not in the mood; perhaps you want to see the side of him not knowing better and learning things together. But when his palm glided on your cheek and your eyes widened in response, the tremor in his nerves overpowered the need to ask. 

Perhaps the tremor was gratitude because here he is, not getting any younger, and yet, this is only his first genuine step to face his vulnerability. 

You kiss him back and wrap your arm around his neck to pull him in, albeit quite sure why he's suddenly kissing you like this.

Unlike the previous one, his kisses are full of gentleness, and not a tinge of frustration can be seen. His hands, although huge and hard, slide inside your shirt so softly to feel your bare skin. You withdraw a bit to ask what might be the matter, but quickly forget the question when you see his face. He's blushing as though it's the first time he has kissed like this. His eyes are pretty lidded, lips a bit open, and you realize that although you had seen this expression before, it was for a very brief moment—not immediately after a chaste kissing session. 

He looks at you, quite disappointed for cutting the kiss short again. He grabs you by the ankle until you're sitting on his lap.

"Did something happen?"

He shakes his head, "Saying it out loud would be sappy."

"If you think I'd forgive you for spacing out while I'm—kyah!"

He starts sucking on your neck, "Shut up and don't ruin the moment."

"The what? Hey, don't mark on it. I'm warning you."

Erwin really wants to explain his thoughts. He's sure you'd be glad if you were to know all of this. Even though he could never perceive this as a significant step beyond, he bet you'd be giggling and jumping once you know.

He looks up and tries to explain but realizes how tired he is holding everything in—it took him decades. Erwin addressed it only after loving someone so ardently that he was willing to give up years-long prideful habits—all to love you more. He is exhausted, and your lips are so soft and so near, offering the sheer comfort he needs. It's parted slightly; if his tongue were to slip inside, it would send him into great bliss. Erwin is exhausted right now; perhaps he’d share his thoughts after this overwhelming, trembling warmth subsides.

For now, he at least tries to give a small context, "This is the best birthday I've ever had."

"Y-you think so?!" What have you done? You've been thinking about it for months! How could it happen without you knowing? "We spent the day indoors. We haven't even done anything special yet."

"You'd get quite full of yourself if you knew."

"You're trying to escape for not listening to my crochet blabbers."

"I don't want to get sappy today. Can't we just continue?"

"Well, uh… I really want to know what I did," you avert your gaze away. "I've been at the edge lately, thinking of ways to make you say you got the best birthday today—with me. Now that you finally say it, however…"

Again, it's as if you hit a nail, albeit unsure where and how you did.

"And there you have it. Your answer."

"Huh?" It took you a while to process that. "Because you're with me?"

He nods, albeit in a teasing manner.

"Eek. The sap shudders me."

"That's why I asked if we could just continue where we left off."

"The crocheting, indeed." you tease, but as you're about to reach the tool again, Erwin carries you up in his arms. He doesn't even need to tell you where he'd bring you. The impatient man would straight up lead you to bed to show what he wants.

Instead of scolding him for cutting the lecture off, you sigh and muffle your head in his neck, "You have to thank god it's your birthday today."

"Oh, yes of course," he kisses the crown of your head. "Thank you, dear."

TAGLIST: sorry for causing inconvenience with your notifs, my dears in taglist TT i wasn't planning to publish this tonight but the birthday request activated my brain neurons and said "what if u unload your WIPS and just publish this thing" so yea. sorry. @frenchdyer @watyousayin @collinnmckinley @aeanya @xiaotopia @cadenza-damour @grimistheangerinmystares @rinamars | STORY SUBSCRIPTION FORM

MORE OF SWEET SUBTLETIES SERIES HERE

[phosphophillight]

can the public (me) know some fun facts about axl..

OF COURSE. we love axl. I'm going to mix fun facts with some lore exposition bc. thats what we do here or whatevs.

Axl Caester is something I'm calling a Stabilized Amalgam Ectype. The gist of it is that hes small parts of a bunch of different parts of data from different people that corrupted each other, that was later reconstructed and reshaped. He's not SUPER stable, hence the lil metal cuff like contraptions on his design.. they help his form stay together...

The re-stabilization process was done by Edgar Reynaud (Avi's dad), but Axl has no real emotional ties to Edgar. The cuffs were made by Verus Technologies Corp's CEO.

He gets his surname from Lenore Caester! The general branch manager of the Verus Technologies Corp. who basically "adopts" him while he's around age 14-ish.

His hairpins match with Lenore's! They're likely gifts from her.

He likes sugary sweets, mostly due to Andromeda's influence. It's also a parallel to Avi, who prefers bitter, less-sweet stuff. Avi's preference is actually directly caused by Axl! When the sector-0 kids were out of school and Axl met Avi, he shared some of his candy with him (albeit the flavors he didn't like as much LMAO). Avi just appreciates spending quality friend time and just started associating the more bitter candy with it.

He was really close with Aoide during their time at school together! They grew apart after Aoide ran away.

IM TRYING TO think of stuff that's .fun facts. He is very Teal.. His aspect type is PM (green) and hes heavily associated with Verus Tech which is BC (blue) so. that makes sense.

In older versions of the story, he used to be the person living outside the establishments of sector-4! Now it's Aoide who resides there, and he stays at sector-5. (also called sector-6 sometimes because I keep accidentally counting sector-0)

OH THIS IS more or less something I was brainstorming about a while back. It's possible that each time his form majorly falls apart, he looks a bit different when he is brought back together.

That'll be all for now... Thank you red....

[dizzyluc]

Incoming vent rant (needed to air out my anger after the past 3 days, considering my pain level I'd say is at a 6 out of 10, and the more constant pain I'm in, the more pissed I get lol...)

This month, let alone this week, has not been kind to me... and it's only Tuesday, THE THIRD ">_> When this month starts off shitty due to something personal related (not health related thankfully, (although it IS insurance related is all I'll say, it could definitely be worse though, but...) it's actually put me in a pretty pissy mood these past few days, which I'm praying Friday it's taken care of, so hoping Friday goes over well) Monday, my "rest up before a long ass week" day, I had to take my car in to get an oil change as my light just lit up, went to a "Take 5" and after waiting 30 minutes, being inside the place that does it, with my car off cause no idea when they would actually just "start" doing stuff... "Oh, we don't have the right thing to change your oil, so we can't do it." THANKS FOR SAYING IT AFTER MAKING ME WAIT (instead of checking real quick if it can be done... then having me wait for everyone that came before me go... although I think they were understaffed too) Then after, I go to a local donut place, that I have been trying to get a coconut flavor for, for WEEKS, even went the day before and they said "oh we will have it tomorrow!" and they still didn't have it... (they have said this 3 times now at this point) pretty much making my outing a complete waste of time. Today being Tuesday? I've been almost crashed into 6+ times (at least twice my mom yelped at people almost creaming me) The donut place, after saying I'd be back at noon today? "It will be ready at 5-6 today!" How. Many. Times... I drop my mom off for her appointment, which normally this one takes 3 hours due to ALWAYS being behind, get a Slurpee... which tasted like a cheap drink... and then every place I went to, for SOME reason, after lunch? Big lines. I get done with the final place almost, expecting to get back and chill and relax after such a hectic afternoon and week so far... (after picking up a pizza cause a good deal usually happened at a certain pizza place nearby on Tuesdays) Mom texts: Oh, I'm just about done, there was no one in the doctor's office today! So we can keep doing errands once you get back! Me thinking... "Can I get just 5 minutes... FIVE. MINUTES." Dealt with more cars trying to ram me (If you go to Florida, be VERY CAUTIOUS about driving here, the people are lunatic drivers, even more so lately it feels like, literally had to slam on my brakes twice today because people THINK THEY OWN THE ROAD, TO PULL OUT IN FRONT OF ME) After finally eating today (I only had donut holes at this point btw today... it was pizza though, but...)

I think my nerves from all the shit happening these past few days finally caught up to me and I got nauseated for like an hour or so, which going back to the donut place didn't help (it still wasn't ready when I got there, it was almost 6 pm) and after they brought it out... it wasn't even the right donuts. "Wait, OHHHH... you wanted the white, coconut donuts we served like, 3 months ago right? With the coconut drizzle? Oh yeah, no that was discontinued." Me thinking: ... I LITERALLY TOLD YOU THIS EVERY TIME "I want the coconut donut that had white frosting, and coconut flakes drizzled on top of the donut" I got whatever the hell they made, got home, let dogs out (while it pretty much was almost raining) and it took me 2 hours to get a shower and now lay down in bed. ... and it just keeps going tomorrow lol... (Gotta be ready by noon, and will be out probably till 6 or so doing "Military Monthly run" aka pick up medicine, pick up veterinarian stuff for dogs, maybe mail some stuff or do a bank run (these 2 not always), followed by pick up cards and any random stuff at the Base Exchange, then the Commissary for almost 2 hours for the family monthly grocery supply [and this is why I call it "grocery day" as it's an all day affair, that literally is dedicated for goods for the month])

[im-not-a-l0ser]

Hi, today sucked, lemme tell you all the reasons it sucked in chronological order

I woke up at 1 am and read for a while. I did not get back to bed until 5 am.

I woke up approximately 15 minutes before I had to be out the door, so despite my planning to take a shower and wear a Victorian esc clothing today (for throwback Thursday, dumb school thing) I couldn't.

I didn't eat last night, so for the first time this semester I got breakfast from the cafeteria and it was not good.

We were practicing hand and arm massages in class for state board and wow, I fucking hated the smell, feeling and all around company of the lotion we were using.

I didn't charge my phone last night so I had my phone (and laptop) plugged in for my last two periods of school.

It was warm enough that I didn't need my jacket (a comfort item) so I took it off and put it over my backpack. It fell on the dirty bus floor while I was napping through the half hour bus ride.

My laptop wasn't plugged in properly so it was nearly dead when I got home.

Dad said we were going to the library to file my taxes. Okay, gotcha, I won't change into my home clothes, I'll just switch my binder out for a bra.

My sheets were dirty and I didn't want to lay in my gross bed with clean clothes on so I stripped my mattress and brought the sheets downstairs, where I find the washing machine on a self cleaning cycle. It was at 0, but I guess that's not done?

I notice that my little siblings who had lice for a couple days have put clothes in the laundry basket downstairs, which has my prom dress in it. Prom is on Saturday and I am literally too afraid to dig through their shit to find the dress.

I return to my room and work on chapter two of a story, but it's getting late and my dad hasn't called me out to the van yet.

I only learn my dad is home when he sends a picture of dinner to the gc. I leave my room to ask when we're doing taxes; he tells me he's eating and that I should eat too.

Twenty minutes later (like 7:50 pm at this point), we finally start my fucking taxes.

Very long annoying process, to learn that state taxes should not be filed through this site for me. It worked just fine for my sibling. I ask dad if we can do it tomorrow and he says taxes are due in four days. Whatever.

We go to a different site to file my state taxes where I try to register twice and it denies me both times for my laptop having a VPN. I do not control that; it's my school laptop and it didn't even process that's what the issue was for like 10 minutes.

Dad tells me to go to bed. He's tired. That's when I'm allowed to go to bed, when he's tired.

I return to my room and realise my sheets have never been put in the wash, and I can't sleep without a blanket. And for obvious reasons, I only trust that one blanket right now.

I shove it in the wash for a half hour load, but it doesn't fucking matter because my sister's shit is in the dryer at 45 minutes. She doesn't have an empty basket in the bathroom to put the dry stuff into should it finish and someone else needs to. Her shit is going on the floor in about 20 minutes.

I'm laying on my bed, very cold, just waiting for the fucking wash to be done so I can go to sleep. Except, I know it won't be because my sheets take like two hours to dry at high heat, which also means I won't have my comfort jacket for tomorrow.

I just want to go to sleep and can't because I'm stressing over the idea of going to school in not my comfort jacket.

Honorable mentions: My cosmetology textbook has really misleading information regarding synthetic wigs and its pissing me off. I was supposed to go to Walmart today so I could get breakfast for tomorrow. We had a test in English that gave me a lot of anxiety.

[spectacle-street]

I don't like to soliliquize about how my life is going anymore because I usually talk about how much it's improved and then everything immediately goes downhill after that, but I'm gonna take a chance and give a good ramble about how my life is going. Without jinxing it. I hope.

In the last few months, I've been working on not holding myself to such high standards anymore. I was always really stressed by it. It got into everything I did, even when I was just relaxing. I couldn't do a face mask occasionally as a treat, I had to do one regularly and with discipline. I couldn't read a book when I felt like it, I had to adhere to a strict schedule of reading every day at a specific time and if I didn't I was a terrible person and a failure. It was, as you no doubt can imagine, really exhausting. I was trying to make my life as perfect as those tik tok "my 5-9 before/after my 9-5" videos and I was miserable the whole time.

I ran into the same issue with my religious practices. I couldn't just worship in whatever way felt right to me, I had to do it a specific way and if I did it wrong I was convinced I was a terrible person. I felt immense guilt for not sticking to a daily schedule of prayer and going out on full moons to do this and that and making sure my house was always cleaned on new moons and yadda yadda yadda. It was a major "girl failure" mood.

So, having a strict, disciplined schedule is not my cup of tea. I really needed a looser routine and I needed to place less pressure on myself.

The only part of my day I can't loosen up is work. I have to leave by 7 and I get home by 5 (the car ride to and from work is 45 minutes to an hour, it's a real bitch to do but I needs money). I still want to get up earlier and get more done before work, and I still want to be productive after work, but I figured I might as well do it in a way that doesn't make me stressed as fuck.

What else is new? Having a crush these days is NOT it. It's fun for a week when I get to fantasize about that person and float on cloud 9 but then I spend all of my time worrying about whether or not they like me and anxious about our every interaction. That and I put a lot of time into trying to hang out with him and talk to him and he wasn't really interested. I had to balance being respectful about that in my head and also feeling righteously upset for myself because *sob* I'm such a catch and he doesn't even care. Ah weell, life goes on. It is what it is.

I've been pretty good about this kind of stuff lately. I know the worst of my obsessive crushes were due to a cocktail of mental health issues, so I try not to look back on myself too harshly. I also know that in the end, I can only put my best foot forward and try not to dwell on the past too much. When I let it invade the present, I couldn't find any rest and besides which, nobody was ever asking me to carry it around like that. I think that attitude has helped me cope better with some of the more personalized aspects of my illness. My voices always reflect where my mind is currently at, so when I lingered on past issues they lingered there too (and offered extremely unhelpful commentary).

I did get a flash of paranoia the other night. It was vivid and scary. I think I drank too much caffeine? Nothing like being extremely fearful at 9 PM while trying to buy heavy cream at the grocery store. I talked myself through it though and by the time I got home, the feeling was naught more than a fading memory.

When you're doing relatively well, it can be disorienting and scary to suddenly be plunged into this dark and scary alternate reality you once existed in though. Everything is overwhelming when you're like that! I felt like I'd just stepped through a rip in space time. I don't know how else to convey how topsy turvey everything gets when you're symptomatic. I used to be paranoid all the time and I really wouldn't ever choose to go back to that.

I'm being treated for lyme disease right now, so that's fun! I was mysteriously sick for about 3-4 weeks and I finally, FINALLY saw a doctor. As soon as I got in they saw the bullseye rash on my stomach and were like "get this bitch on some antibiotics." I wasn't able to keep any food down from about the time I woke up until 6 or 7 in the afternoon before and today AND yesterday I got to eat whenever I wanted like a normal, healthy human being. It was wonderful! Hopefully the good vibes continue into this week.

[charlesmoffat]

I routinely wake up at 2 AM and then have difficulty getting back to sleep. PTSD is a bitch.

I try to combat it by going to the bathroom, maybe having a bath or shower, get a drink, eating a snack, possibly even a whole meal (depends upon how hungry I am), read a book, and/or watching a film I have seen many times (eg. Jaws, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, etc) or listening to an audiobook.

Sometimes I will even clean up around the house, do the dishes, do laundry, etc.

Last night I did the dishes, did the laundry, ate two hot dogs, drank some juice, watched something on TV, and tried to go back to sleep.

I do these things to get my mind off my trauma, because if I don't do them my mind will just run in circles due to my PTSD and it won't let me sleep because I get too upset by my brain working overtime.

As a consequence of this sometimes when I wake up at 2 AM I get back to sleep and sometimes I do not. My strategy of distracting my brain with films, audiobooks, etc sometimes works and sometimes it doesn't. There are no guaranteed solutions.

As a consequence of this lack of sleep I am sometimes exhausted in the middle of the day. Usually around 4 or 5 PM.

Math wise this is the equivalent of someone who wakes up at 7 AM daily and goes to bed around 9 PM or 10 PM. They're awake for around 14-15 hours and then it's bedtime.

I compare it to Jet Lag. If you've ever experienced Jet Lag then you understand how this works. It doesn't matter that the sun is still out in the middle of the day, you become exhausted after roughly 14 hours with no sleep. If you drink a lot of stimulants (coffee, Coca-Cola, etc) you can perhaps offset this, but eventually you still need to sleep. It is a biological inevitability. It can take days to recover from Jet Lag, and it is no less problematic for people with PTSD because we're under this constant cloud of trauma induced anxiety.

And this ignores the possibility that I might also be having a stressful/exhausting day due to work or responsibilities. Stuff still needs to get done obviously. I still need to go to work and teach archery lessons. I still need to do advertising and marketing for my clients. I still have to do household chores. I still have to take care of two small children and make sure their bellies are full, their clothes/diapers are clean, and that they are hopefully reasonably healthy and happy. Just because I am exhausted doesn't mean I can just stop doing these things.

Once in a while however, if I am both exhausted and lucky, my eldest son will be at school and my youngest son falls asleep and has an afternoon nap in his playpen. I then, for a brief hour or so, have a moment wherein I can also have a nap on the sofa next to the playpen. Note: There's an alarm on my phone that goes off at 3:25 PM so I can wake up and go pick up my oldest son from school.

So... Am I being lazy by having a nap at 2 PM in the afternoon prior to leaving to pick up my son? Keeping in mind that I probably only got a few hours of sleep the night before and have been up since 2 AM.

On top of all of this I am still trying to be a good parent by taking my kids outside for walks to get fresh air and exercise.

Below is an action shot of my youngest, Arthur, taking a wee tumble on the grass.

After which he decided to just sit down and enjoy sitting on the grass.

Is he lazy because he is sitting down on the job?

Or, logically, is he just a toddler taking a moment to chill before getting up and walking again?

I believe it is the latter.

...

Also according to studies of primates/apes, and people who have siestas, we're actually supposed to have an hour long nap around 1 or 2 PM in the afternoon and sleep only about 6 hours at night. So it is technically natural to have an afternoon nap. Studies into productivity have also shown that it doesn't make you lazy either. It actually increases workplace productivity because the workers are then more alert and their math/problem solving skills are better after having a siesta.

And while I haven't checked and confirmed this, I bet people who have siestas probably report having better mental health and overall higher levels of happiness. I wouldn't be at all surprised if having siestas was extremely beneficial for people with mental health issues.

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

8.10.24 Saturday

1:13 am

Done, streaming/ going live in Tagged...

I feel young here coz of my make-up but I have a "deep smile lines" already... I still feel bitterish and thinking of money.

I have a strong windblow... Grrr...

1:28 am

Still,have windblow...

I mentioned on my stream/live that there are some people who are being judgemental on me here coz I wasn't here from the past years. Some thought that I'm just new here in Cavite...

8:31 am

Still,have windblow...

Drinking my first cup of coffee and still thinking of money and job and my future... I feel bitterish, I really wanna get a bf that I want to assist me. I want Garret or supposed to be my cousin-white coz I don't like anyone here...

Last night/ midnight I received that question again and for the 5th time " what would I change if I can go back to my past life"? For the 5th or nth time, I will say "My Maturity" but it wasn't my fault...

I feel bitterish.... I feel frustrated for not progressing for 17 years.

I'm super self-pitying... I wanna buy Starbucks everyday... I wanna get my own job. I wanna buy some stuff...

I wanna get Ken ( Barbie's Bf ) who can assist me in life... Like Garret or My Cousin-White...

9:23 am

Still,have windblow...

I was thinking if Ely is a good friend behind my back? Ely is a nice person in front of me coz originally he is a friend of my childhood bestfriend here named Apple. But I hope Ely is not doing any unfair things behind my back.

I still have credit on Ely amounting 4k pesoses plus... I still need to ask a back-up on Ely by next month coz I need to get a job. But I really just want Ely as a friend but if I can't pay him if I reach that 10k pesoses, I need to pay him a song number. But we are just FRIENDS!

On other men here, I don't like them for caging me, I can't give myself on someone that I don't like or will just bang my head...

If I don't ask them to help then I don't like them....I want Garret and my cousin-white... I wanna end up with someone who can speak English.

I have a windblow saying please,please fuck me,fuck me Peachy....I don't know them angels...

12:30 noon

Uncle DD and Aunt Karen are here again....

12:51 noon

So sad Uncle Jun is plastics on me... Coz he is asking for a coins again on Uncle DD....

When he is asking for a coins meaning he will lift you up... Sad family I have... Very,very sad angels....Sad story of Peachy....

3:55 pm

Still,have windblow...

I wanna leave Cavite..... I need a bf to assist me Garret or my cousin-white ( my first cousin ) I feel bitterish, why am I trapped for 17 years???

I need money... I wanna buy starbucks and I want vanities.

If this is Mitch it is so unfair,she had a botox already??? Why,Mitch? Did you give me these "simple battery"??? Did you get my seat without telling me? You model that without giving me here... You got all the crown???

4:08 pm

I need money angels... I want vanities and to buy cute stuff and my Dr Alvins Rejuv or Peeling Set...

8:40 pm

Still,have windblow...

I will stop putting a washable diaper on John... He got a "diaper urine burn" on his penis angels... I will just clean and put a betadine,probably his madre cacao ointment can heal it.

I need more washable diaper coz I let him wear it for hours... We have only 2 washable diaper. It is a lesson learned for today...

Sorry my baby John... I saw a wound or rash on his penis... It is a bit bleeding.... John's urine is acidic due to his vitamin C.

9:07 pm

We still need 5 or 6 more washable diaper in a day... But lesson learned John's penis needs to breathe... But a disposable diaper is fine, still I need 5 to 6 to 7 diapers in a day probably...

No undies for John now...

10:51 pm

Still,have windblow...

I don't like anyone here... I really like my actual first cousin-white or Garret...

The windblow is saying stay here... I don't like anyone here... I really wanna travel in a way and get some vanities like I need a regular foot spa... I need to go back to dentist for polish revive, I have a coffee stain.

I want Barbie looking guys my actual cousin-white or Garret but hating my cousin for being married...

I feel so ugly,old and fat with no story angels...

[capriciouscaprine]

happy new month to everyone!!!

I have SO MUCH to do for my coursework, but I wanted to take the time to write a post about what I'm up to currently, what this month holds for me, and what my goals are for the future as we all head towards summer

currently, I just hit a goal # this morning, although it didn't feel all that impactful, and I'm pretty sure that's bc I both didn't get enough sleep last night and bc I don't have any rewards set up for myself besides the emotional reward of hitting that goal; obviously, I need to be consistent about getting enough sleep and have rewards ready for myself, but both of these are uniquely tricky right now bc I have an absurd sleep schedule (6 pm-2 am), no time, and even less money

I'm coming out of a six week full time unpaid internship, so my hours were drastically cut at my actual job; instead of five days, I was down to just two, and they were the two days the least amount of work and thus fewest available hours to get paid; I got a boost from cat sitting for my neighbor, whose cat needs careful monitoring and specific medicine on a pretty strict schedule, but this pay cut was on top of paying tuition for the semester, so I currently have negative money aka am carrying a balance on my credit card, to the tune of $3.5k (oof)

the good news is that with spring pollen comes increased hours, as my job is on a farm with both plants and animals; we've got seedlings to water and plant, babies to feed, and field trips to prep for and manage, so I've jumped from 3-4 hour days to 5-6 hour days, five days a week; I get paid pretty okay ($16/hr after taxes), but I still typically get less than 30 hours a week, so my monthly pay is only around $1.5k (rounding down for safety, especially since this a very recent jump)

looking forward to things happening this month, I have my final paper for my most important class of my entire masters degree, due WITH a presentation and handout on April 10th, and then two weeks later (less than or exactly 14 days, iirc) I must give a comprehensive presentation (and possibly turn in some other stuff??) about myself, my internship, my previously mentioned final paper, and a problem from our final exam, which will determine if I get my degree or not

oh, and I need to plan and record another internship observation, which I had been under the impression that I wouldn't need to do, which is due by the 15th, right in between all of these other things being due

I am under immense pressure right now, and it's definitely having a negative impact on my mental health; I'm managing not to burst into tears constantly or run away to the woods (a very short distance for me, so particularly tempting) thanks to both succeeding at other goals and knowing that their are specific dates for all of this to be over by; all I have to do is turn everything in on time (even if it sucks), and I'll be done with this degree by the end of this month and officially graduate in early May (ugh, need to order and pay for my cap and gown this week (~$200))

heading into next month, after everything is turned in (seems impossible to imagine, tbh, which is why I'm writing this post), I'll be free to PLAN and SET GOALS

(I'm so excited!!!)

like I said before, my pay isn't high and I've got debt I need to address on top of more bills coming in the future (six months of car insurance D: ), but I have to believe that I can get everything paid for and still have enough money to have a tiny bit of fun, too; I need to still down and draw up a budget, ESPECIALLY for food since I'm going to finally have time to make more things for myself!!! which will absolutely be cheaper than all the pre-made and pre-portioned meals and snacks I've been buying

the last time I had a big goal, I had a bar and a line graph to track my savings (my house down payment! ty 2018 mini recession, you made home ownership possible); now it'll be the double whammy of 'saving' for bills and paying down the old debt, plus I'm genuinely at the point of needing a new phone WITH a case, and all the actually functional phones with enough storage space, etc run just under $350, so with accessories that could be $500 aka NOT an impulse purchase!

otherwise, my big goal is to clean up my house: it has been TRASHED by consecutive roommates, but particularly by the most recent one; I have bits of stuff taking up space from everyone who's moved in and then out again over the past 5+ years, but the last one (who I made a whole rant post about) was so filthy when it came to using the kitchen that they left me an infestation of MULTIPLE types of insects, some of which I've never even seen before!!!

here in the southern US, we already deal with some insect trouble bc it doesn't get cold enough to fully kill them off, plus they can always be brought into a clean house from our great outdoors, which we have lots of; it isn't unusual for even the shiniest of mansions to get a roach sneaking into a bathroom or a line of ants running into the kitchen

in comparison, my house is genuinely disgusting, and I haven't been able to DO anything about it since classes and thus deadlines started back in August; the good news is this project won't take, relatively, that much money, and I even have a pretty good idea of what all I need to do to almost completely fix this! the only real problem is that it'll take a fair bit of physical labor and thus energy, which I don't always have a lot of, so I'll need to be strategic and get things done in phases and also not give up!

there are a lot of expensive things that have gone wrong and need fixing around the house, and there are even more expensive changes I want to make; I need to remind myself that all of these will happen in time, and I need to not obsess over them or let them demotivate me as I'm working towards addressing the issues that I can

in the far-flung future (it feels like), getting my degree means I am qualified for teaching jobs!!! math and teachers in general are in pretty high demand in my area (where aren't they right now?), and the pay is relatively high, as in double the highest I've ever made before in my entire life; once I've got my degree, I can dedicate myself to getting one of those jobs at a nearby school, and at that point, once I start getting those paychecks (fingers crossed), a whole new world will open up for me!!!

[life-with-geo]

January 8th

Hi, I’m back (almost started with hi guys, then remembered I have no followers lmao). It's been a week since I posted last, and I think I'm going to start posting every Sunday at 9:30 PM, essentially right before I go to bed. To be honest I don't know how long I’m going to be able to keep that schedule up, I might be taking on too much, but hey, we shall see, things change all the time. 

In the week thats passed, not too much has happened. School started back up on the second, unfortunately, and I’m already drained. Ever since my visit to the hospital, everything is so much more draining than before. I hope eventually I’m able to pick myself back up from this burnout, but apparently, the time it takes to recover from burnout is about 3-5 years. I don't have 3-5 years to heal from all this lol. 

We had a project due the day after we came back to my AP Lit class, our personal portfolio. I had a lot of fun writing it over the semester, but I also hated it. It took me through a lot of emotions and lore related to my past. I talked about my mom, my most recent failed relationship, and my failed friendships, all of which made me sad. I also talked about my grandma though, and my wonderful stepmom, so I think overall it kinda works out in a way. I think the worst part was putting the pictures into the binder. Pictures of my biological mom (you'll hear about her eventually) as well as pictures of my grandma. I may have been a little petty and attacked my ex in the portfolio, which is funny considering hes in that class and everyone can read them. I wonder if he will approach me about it, I doubt it, he's kind of a coward. 

On a much more positive note, things have become slightly more serious with this guy I’m talking to. Some might say it is FAR too soon to be talking to another guy fresh out of a relationship, but it’s been over a month now since the last one, and I’m too much of an all-or-nothing person to be hurt by one guy for too long. Or girl. I just struggle with attachment stuff. ANYWAYS. He’s way different than any guy I've ever talked to, and tbh, its refreshing. He's kind and gentle, but also ambitious and driven. It's something I've always wanted in a partner. I really hope it goes somewhere because he is genuinely so amazing lol. 

This week in the mental health section we have…journaling. Now I know a lot of people just say journal to get your feelings out there but people don't actually talk about the psychology behind journaling, the benefits of it, and WHY it helps. I know this is a pretty basic thing to talk about but its my first post with this little section added so bear with me, it's fine. 

There are a lot of different ways to journal and different kinds of journaling, and it really doesn't matter which one you do, it varies on your needs and what you’re trying to prioritize. I personally bullet journal and have another separate journal for my thoughts and feelings. So a lot of people wonder how journaling can actually be beneficial and I did a lil bit of research and fouuuuund… depending on the kind of journaling you do, it can be either just a release of emotions, it can help track symptoms of mental illness (or physical illness if you suffer from medical conditions, you can track if it’s getting worse or not, especially helpful in cases of people with chronic illness, but again, it varies person to person). Journaling can even help to identify negative self-talk that you may do unknowingly, and you can put in the work to change those negative thoughts into something positive. (All of this information is from a study posted by the University of Rochester Medical Center).

So to focus on the benefits of regular (“regular”) journaling, I’m mostly just going to talk about how it can be done and what to recognize in your journal entries (ITS ALWAYS HELPFUL TO GO BACK AND REREAD THEM EVEN IF IT HURTS, you can see how far you've come, and see what’s changed and whats benefited you throughout your writing journey). Journaling can be instrumental in the progression towards certain goals, as it is an internal reflection, slightly different from a diary, which can be defined as writing about the events of a day, and is mostly a daily thing. Journaling doesn't have to be a daily thing, it can be something you do more often when you’re having a rough time, with long entries full of crossed-out words and scribbles, versus the times you’re doing okay and when the entries are shorter and the words are neater. Either way, journaling is very good for self-reflection, helping you identify triggers and other things that may cause you any amount of emotional stress.

I think my favorite kind of journaling is bullet journaling, which I’ve only been doing for a short while but it’s very different from my thoughts and feelings journal. My bullet journal is something I use to keep track of assignments and also my habits, my reading, and things I've watched, I might start using it to track screen time. I also use it to track the story I’ve begun and this blog as well. It’s becoming very helpful when it comes to the planning of my future and the progression of my goals. I personally never found my thoughts and feelings journal to be very helpful when it came to goal progression, but it’s different for everyone.

One of the best parts of a bullet journal is the creative freedom that comes with it, of course, that’s not for everyone, and some people may simply choose a more minimalistic setup, or they may just not bullet journal at all, but that’s seriously one of the most therapeutic parts. Its a very chill process, I personally stole my setup from a YouTuber who I like, so it’s not my own creativity, but thats something Id like to do someday. 

Anyway, that wraps up this week's post, we shall see how this does, I might mess around with the length of posts, as this one got pretty long. See you next Sunday :)

[littleharpethcrossfit]

Tuesday, 3 October, 2023.

A lovely though abnormally warm early Fall evening at the Barn.

Warmup

4 Rounds

HEAVY Squat Holds

30 Seconds Down..........30 Seconds Up

Strength

BOX SQUATS

3 / 3 / 3 / 3 / 3 / 3

70 To 80% 1 Rep Max

Pause On A Parallel Box or Bench Each Rep

Explode Up

Chase=315 Shane=265 Robert/Sam=225 Herb/Dana=205 Coach=155 Alicia=105 Tom=95 Kayla=85 Linda/Shannon=75 Elisa/Casey=65 Howard=did stuff Average Dave/Faith=Here Some I missed

WOD

3 Rounds

Dumb Bells (E=50 / 35 / 20)

10 DB Box Step-Ups (24/20)

15 DB Push Presses

20 Push-Ups

25 Sit-Ups (GHD)

100m Farmer's Walk With DB

Kayla=10:25 Shannon=13:08 Elisa=13:12 Robert=13:29* Casey=14 Coach=14:02 Alicia=14:13* Linda=14:26 Dana=16:10** Tom=16:15 Shane=16:43** Chase=19:45** Herb=20:25* Sam/Average Dave=did random stuff Faith/Howard=attended Others=?

Cool-Down

Alternating DB Curls

10 /10 X 5

Notes:

A good group. Girls/Boys 50/50.

Casey was the new girl, sponsored by Elisa who knows her from church. I failed to get an adequate history, but I think she has done CrossFit, maybe in Valencia, California. She moves like it. Casey lives not too far away, has minimal obstructions to attend LHCF, seemed to enjoy our girls (who wouldn't?), and I gave her the T-shirt and offered the lifetime free LHCF membership. I have great hopes that Casey will not only attend, but maybe she'll bring her husband.

Faith rode her bike over to visit. She is holding off on CrossFit due to a very sore toe. She has great hopes to win a mile race this weekend. If she can run, she will win. I'd bet on her. She told me that CrossFit has made her TOUGHER.

Gentleman Howard came for a short visit. Warmup and light strength. He left a case of burly beer in the cooler.

Kayla was here. She claims that she is always here, but my aching heart tells me otherwise. Kayla's current S.O. has reserved a spot in next Tuesday's workout. Why a whole week from now ?? It takes more than a week to grow a pair. And she wants me to program a sissy WOD for him. Like no difficult leg stuff. I reminded her that Tuesday's are Squat Day. She also wants some very lax guy to break him in. Somebody other than Robert. I'm hoping Timmy is back from vacation and can put an insurance rider on his waiver.

Great news from Miss Shannon. She snagged a new and better job, not any further from LHCF, and is politic-ing for early out on Tuesday/Thursday. We all know that any job Shannon wants, she will get it. Nobody with a brain would deny her.

I don't attend church, but I really like church-ladies. Ironic.

Thursday at 4 PM. Snacks, wine, and fun conversation afterwards. A special request has been placed for a bon-fire. Somebody tell Timmy and Ed not to complain about the smoke. Pray for a wind from the West.

[dzpenumbra]

7/6/23

Well whatta ya know, it's 5 AM again. Today was fucking weird.

I woke up like 3 times, but ended up getting a cumulative 8 hours... but still felt exhausted all day. Yoga was fine but my workout was really intense and I ended up almost hitting a wall where my muscles just couldn't push anymore due to weakness. That wasn't fun. But I got through it.

I was incredibly inspired yesterday, and today... fell flat. I got a lot of cleaning done, which I was totally into for some reason. But I tried to stream and work and I was just... falling asleep the whole time. And I couldn't figure out what to do, and I had been going for 2 hours... and no one was watching anyway... so I just ended the stream and played Hades. It's not the end of the world. I just... I guess it's just exhaustion? I don't know. I just feel really deflated. Which is so far from where I was yesterday.

Guess I'm just having an off-day.

I ordered stuff to make my own granola and trail mix, so I should have plenty of breakfast and snacks on hand. The catch is... I'm completely out until that gets here between 5-7 tomorrow. I guess that's not the worst thing anyway, it's not like I eat before then anyhow.

Such a weird schedule I'm on. I haven't been finishing my coffee until like 8:30 PM. I don't know how to fix it at this point. Not sure if I even need to. Very disorienting.

Ugh, I'm feeling very sluggish.

I found something this morning that really upset me. It was a big mark on my window where I think a mourning dove hit. There was bird shit splattered on the window and a little down feather on it, and a wing mark. I really hope it was okay, I've been feeling really really guilty all day. And I have no idea how to clean it. I'm on the second floor and if I open my window... it kinda just slides in and overlaps the other window? If that makes sense? And I can't really reach far enough to clean it. I tried and got some of it with my spray bottle, but yeah. I'm having second thoughts about the birdfeeder. It's only the doves that are... not the most agile in the world... I haven't had any problems at all with the Nuthatches or Cardinals or Blue Jays or Finches or Chickadees. But the doves were very clumsy and started showing up in groups of 4 or 5 toward the end there. So I just... didn't refill the feeder yet. And I'm going to sorta sit and think on that. Whether it's worth birds putting their lives in danger just so I can be closer to nature.

It brings up that concept of ahimsa again, "not harming". It's an obsession for me, at a Tartarus-like level. I am constantly obsessing about how my actions could harm others - physically, emotionally, psychologically - and I justify it under the guise of "mindfulness". But, ironically, this obsession is a form of self-flagellation, self-punishment... for things I haven't even done... which is... wait for it... self-harm. Man, what a guiltless life it must be to not give half a shit if you hurt other living beings in any way. I don't really know how to process reflecting on how I have harmed others. Or how to feel about the harm that comes to others by their own actions, but my actions played a role in that situation coming to pass? If that makes sense? Like... the bird. It's a sorta silly example to some, I'm sure, but go with me. If I hadn't refilled the birdfeeder, they wouldn't have gotten in the habit of coming to my window, and it wouldn't have smacked the window at some point and hurt itself. If I had noticed that they were congregating a bit too often (which I did notice), and removed the birdseed... that bird might not have come back. That's two possible alternate timelines in which that bird might have not hit the window, because of my decisions. Now... the fact that I did not make those decisions, does that mean that I directly caused that bird harm? That I essentially trained that bird to develop a dangerous habit? Or... did that bird make a dangerous decision on its own and harm itself? Where is that line?

Defining the lines on this is very hard. It's like rocket fuel for anxiety. What if? What if? What if? "If I go for a walk and pass by someone and my presence (my tattoos, the way I'm dressed, I don't know) makes someone uncomfortable, does that mean I have caused them emotional harm or does that mean that they are suffering from their own judgement?" "If I am in a conflict with someone who I want to preserve a relationship with, and they start accusing me of causing harm to them by doing something I am not doing... do I defend myself, and possibly cause more harm?" Infinite situations, infinite questions.

You'd think... that just having good, pure, pacifistic intentions would be enough. You'd think that just devoting your life to doing your very best to just breathe in self-love and breath out love for others, and cultivating the best Self you can muster that day would be enough. It seems miles beyond the goals of most people I've met in my life, who only really seem concerned with "winning" or making money or acquiring some material goal or just surviving through the day. But what do you do when your love... is misinterpreted?

A memory came to me. From a mushroom trip. I'm still in this weird place where... when you get older, your distant memories... they can get blurry sometimes. Like... you can be unsure if that's the exact memory or if it kinda blended together with a movie you saw around that time? If that makes sense? Add in hallucinogens and it really ups the ante, I'll tell you that.

This memory was a mushroom trip in a small rural village in the woods. We were in a country house that my friends were renting, and we prepared a pizza and put shrooms on it and I ended up eating the equivalent of 1/4 ounce. I'm pretty sure it was winter, or at least late fall. We went upstairs, it was incredibly dark... man, I can actually see the interior of this house, the dark wooden floors and bannisters, the sorta stucco popcorn ceiling stuff. I can see the actual layout of the house, it's crazy how vivid that memory is. We all went upstairs, but apparently someone turned the heater on, which was like... an actual furnace with fire in it in the basement. When we were upstairs, we played music. I remember it being spectacular. And I remember we played a cover of "No Rain" at one point. And we talked and shit, we were all sitting on a mattress on the floor in the room, I guess it was someone's bedroom. And they all left at some point, and I was up there alone after. And... I don't know if it was on in the background the whole time... but the movie Bruce Almighty was on. And I've experienced this twice now while on mushrooms... where if I'm watching a movie, one of the characters breaks the fourth wall and talks directly to me. And in my perception of the film, the rest of the movie is a blur, it's like... black and white and filler content... and then the scenes with the specific character are full-color and talking directly to me. And in this case, it was Morgan Freeman. And that really got in my head a bit, mostly because this had happened in the past... and I was alone experiencing this. And I have an anxiety disorder... (aka I get scared by surreal shit pretty intensely, and it's a very visceral emotional response) So... either the movie ended or I turned it off, I don't really remember which... but I was left in a dark room. I don't think it was completely dark, maybe there was static or a blue screen from the DVD player or something. And the ceiling was doing that fractal melty swirl visual thing, I remember that vividly. And then came the part that I'm afraid might be an overlapping memory of a film because of how... outlandish yet profound the experience was. I encountered... something. This is so hard to put into words... not the actual image of what I experienced, but how I perceived it. I don't feel like I perceived this as an actual manifestation standing directly in front of me, like I could reach out and touch it... but like... kinda like a shadow out of the corner of your eye... but in front of me. Or seeing something in your mind's eye... kinda? I don't know, I'm struggling to explain. But it was... like a giant mass of eyes. And I remember it unfurling a gigantic scroll of aged parchment and... at no point did it speak, it sorta... I just sorta knew what it was doing. It was reading me a list of all of my sins, all of the wrongs I had done. And I reeled, and I cowered like a child, and I curled into the fetal position on the mattress in the corner of the room until someone came up and found me. Apparently, they all went outside or something and it was like 200 degrees upstairs, because they left the heater on blast and all the heat went upstairs. I was fine after all this, there were some normal mushroom antics after that, but nothing nearly as profound as that experience.

That experience stuck with me for over 15 years. It changed a lot of my understanding of myself. Regardless of whether what I experienced was a projection of my imagination, or my subconscious, or an experience with an actual entity... it really doesn't matter to me. Because my big takeaway from that... is the classic spirit journey. The right of passage. The original purpose that tribal cultures used these mushrooms for, ceremonially. That was supposed to be a moment where I "became a man". Spiritually. Where I looked at my demon, my Achilles' Heel, my deepest fear and greatest weakness... and I did not back down. I shared the room with it, and met it as a peer. That is what a guide would most likely have aided with, or helped me translate from my experience after the fact. I thought for over a decade that I was face-to-face with Judgement. The eyes, the list... but... ever since studying Tarot... I really feel like the archetype that fits closest to that is Justice. True Justice, whatever spiritual language you want to translate that into. An aspect of God? Maybe an angel? Karma? Causality? I don't know. I've never really had a language for stuff like that since I grew up without any form of religion.

But I functioned for a long time on the assumption that Judgement was keeping score, and letting me know that nothing is forgotten. Which we could get pretty deep on how that's a pretty clear metaphor for my family and my upbringing... But more than that... the interesting part is that... I never interpreted that being as... a deliverer of Justice. More just... informing me so that I can go ahead and punish myself with guilt and shame. And hell, maybe that's part of the Justice, yeah? Or maybe it's indicative of a completely separate problem.

Why am I rambling about this when I should be in bed? This is a big core of my anxiety. Fear of Judgement, fear of false Justice. That despite my best efforts to be a truly good and kind and loving and honest person, someone's going to come along and put a fucking gun to my temple because they don't like the way I look. Or I accidentally made eye contact or walked down the wrong street. Maybe a bit of an exaggeration... but the feeling is of the same root.

And that... that makes this whole "non-harm" thing really messy and confusing. Because the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. So... do you get bad Karma if you have the world's best intentions and are pure of heart... but trip and accidentally hurt someone? I mean, it's technically causing harm...

I don't know, it's been in the back of my mind, I haven't been able to shake it. Food for thought. No tarot tonight again, until I can get my sleep sorted out... eventually.