#this story was heavily influenced by my own inner problems

[stargazers-telescopes]

She's a Runner, She's a Track Star

She’s a runner, She’s a track star

Author’s note: Hieee everyone it's been awhile since I posted (one year to be precise) and I was in the thick of my final year at highschool, now I'm in college and have a lot more time than I thought I would…. Anyhoo here's another novella type story for you. This one is pretty long… but it all ties together towards the end.

Inspiration: Since My stories are heavily influenced by my own romantic escapades (disasters) this one is based on the time when I uh ran away from my crush because he found out I liked him…not through a diary but because, much like Arya, I cannot keep my mouth shut when I like someone and I uh accidentally confessed because my brain which is usually uh functional decided to shutdown. Anyway that relationship ended awhileeee back and thank god, I heavily regret it.  Also, like many problems Arya faced, I did too at school, the constant expectation and managing outer as well as inner- perception were issues I faced. Of course, Arya’s a whole other girl, but she is a direct reflection of me.

I guess this story is a tribute to my friends in many ways, who really helped me keep it together in my last year at highschool. I have no Brandon In my life, so to speak, so he really is just a plot driver… but maybe one day I will be as lucky as Arya. 

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this story of A LOT of second hand embarrassment. Love you~

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One thing that differentiated Arya Kumar from most was her incredibly volatile attitude. Zero or nothing. One to one hundred. She had never been good with the in-betweens. Of course, if she had to be moderate, then she would be, but she hated it severely. Not doing things made her feel like she was gonna spontaneously combust. Being in the last year of schooling meant extreme scrutiny from everyone around her. She did relatively well at school, engaged in multiple extra -curricular activities apart from her track athletics. And she knew she had her stuff going for her… all except one thing. And that was Brandon Ashford. 

Ashford had come into her life out of nowhere, and soon she found him nearly everywhere. Captain of the male’s swim team and vice president of the astronomy club, their lives should not have coincided. It started rather innocently too. It went from a random phone call one evening to clear some trouble in the student body council to random texts almost everyday. 

Then it became cheering for her from the bleachers at the tracks to irritating her while she tried to conduct her club meetings as president of the debate club. Then at the library and then on her way back home after school. And soon it felt wrong to go even a day without speaking to him, soon his smile sent her heart into overdrive and his voice canceled any coherent thoughts in her head and just like that…Arya developed a big fat crush on her newfound friend. 

She soon found herself running around the whole school just to get a glimpse of his face if by chance he hadn't shown up in front of her that day, and her best friend had to endure all the behind-the-scenes dramatics Arya never thought herself capable of producing. And that was the only person she told. Hardin had to hear Arya gush about Ashford’s twinkling eyes, and his actually terrible jokes that somehow sent his usually sensible friend into fits of hysterical laughter. 

“For the love of GOD, Ari, get a GRIP on yourself mate”, Hardin scolded her, which really didn't work too well because: firstly, Hardin refused to swear and secondly Arya was too stubborn and obstinate to listen.

“You’re lucky I still put up with you”

“Yeah but you love me too much, so”, Arya said, smiling cheekily as she put her gear on the bleachers and tied up her unruly brown hair into a high ponytail.

‘Hmph’, Hardin sat with a plop as he watched his best friend go to warm up.

Keeping her crush a secret was something Arya struggled with terribly, because she was a person of action. And not taking action meant keeping quiet. This was rather difficult because Arya wasn’t by any means a quiet person. So, she had to keep quiet momentarily otherwise she would quite possibly accidentally start a riot dealing with the frustration that was the heart-rendering problem of Brandon. So the only two places that had knowledge of Arya’s secret were the jail-safe mind of her best friend and her journal that she kept in her running kit

Arya started journaling when she was 14 because it allowed her to rant and complain and detail out everything that annoyed her. It also allowed her to set out her goals and plans for she had many things she wanted to do, learn and see in her life. She often went through her older journals and cringed at her entries but that's the fun of it, that was what she was feeling in the moment and it was almost laughable how she was nervous or excited or scared or happy and what she wrote about it. 

She prided herself on her good handwriting and grammar because what was the use of knowing how to write if one did not write well? Oh, and she had a lot to complain about this year.

And then there was the issue of the winter dance which was a much anticipated event 3 weeks before final exams and one week after mid-semester tests for the seniors. And that was around 3 weeks away. And there was the issue of Mara, the perennial pain in her ass, in the same class as her and on the track team too and as impertinent as ever. 

Mara for whatever reason decided she wanted to be the most annoying twit Arya had to deal with. Taking a special liking to constantly questioning her decisions as Captain and taking jabs and shots at her whenever possible, she nearly drove Arya to madness. However, Arya in her own right was equally as obsessive about dealing with her ‘Mara Problems’, as Hardin had coined the term.

[nikatyler]

Since you’ve mentioned having mixed feelings about Miracle’s storyline as well as Miracle and Adam, I was wondering if you could go into more detail about how you feel about them? Sorry if that’s a weird question I’m just always interested on how feelings change over time. Plus you always have such interesting things to say about your characters.

Sure thing! I hope this rambling won’t be too confusing. I’ve rewritten it like three times already because I just don’t know where to start. There’s so much to talk about, so many personal influences and whatnot, and I don’t know how to go about it without revealing too much personal stuff while also making my point clear...you know what I mean? But this is my final try, I don’t want you to wait any longer...even though I probably should’ve done that because my head isn’t in the right place today. You know how yesterday I said I wasn’t freaking out about uni at all? Yeah, I spoke too soon.

It’s under the cut because I talked too much, but here’s a TL;DR: Basically other ships just inspire me more, Miracle and Adam are bland compared to them. Also, Miracle’s storyline has some moments I’m not proud of.

I guess I don’t like them as much anymore because they don’t really have anything to offer. They’re a cute, happy, perfect couple, but that’s kind of it? I’m not saying good, happy couples are bad irl, it’s just that when I’m reading something and that’s the only thing I can say about a ship, then it’s not a ship I enjoy as much as others. I think Miracle and Adam might be too perfect. Even the best couples get into arguments sometimes, but they never had to face anything like that.

Let’s look at my other ships, the ones I claim are my favourites. I’ll give you a few examples of what they offer other than “we’re cute and happy”. Might contain spoilers but eh, as always, when will I get around posting these stories anyway?

Tyler and Sharon: They both carry these insecurities and secrets they don’t tell anyone about, only each other. Tyler might seem very confident and whatnot and often makes fun of his siblings, but deep inside, he thinks that they’re all so much better than him. He also has this mindset of “if I’m not good at music, then I failed at everything”. I won’t go into detail about Sharon’s secrets because that’s something I would really like to reveal when the time is right but…let’s just say that there’s a lot beneath this “we’re a badass couple oh and we also joke around each other a lot and sometimes it looks like we hate each other but nope, we’re actually madly in love”. I also love how equal they are in their relationship, like screw the traditional roles, we can do whatever the hell we want in our household. And like I mentioned, there’s this whole music thing, their relationship is very impacted by that. Last but not least, I just love the chemistry and dynamics that they have, this playfulness, sarcasm and sass. They’re just fun for me to write about.

Ross and Caleb: Okay, I will admit, they do fall a little bit under the “cute and happy” category now, but what I love about them is their long history and how their relationship developed over the years. There’s been quite a few changes and ups and downs. They started off as very unlikely friends, where actually, at first the friendship was kinda one-sided and Caleb was just like “okay, whatever, I’ll play videogames with you”. Over time, they grew closer, then they grew apart during Ross’s worst years…and so on. I feel like I get into this every other week in an ask, so I won’t repeat it again, I’m sorry :D

Caleb and Rachel: (other Caleb. original Caleb. my Caleb. redhead Caleb.) Again, seemingly just another “cute and happy” ship, but I think it works in their case because of this irony, I guess you could say. Caleb actually doesn’t want much, he just wishes for a happy boring life with a happy little family where nothing extraordinary happens, but he got the exact opposite. At one point his life was totally awful (divorce with Angel, he found out he couldn’t have children, was fired, and I mean, even the alien abduction kinda sucked, let’s be honest), then things changed again (birth of Miracle) and now he’s learning to live with all that because there’s no way he’s getting that boring life he wished for. And then there’s this whole fact that he’s kind of grumpy and sad and always sees the worst, but then he meets Rachel, who is always smiling, and she shows him how to be happier too. They’re not complete opposites though, they both share many interests. And yes, they do fight sometimes. Remember when they found out Rachel was pregnant and Caleb didn’t want to believe it?

Zoey and Isaac: My two nerds I hardly ever talk about but they own my entire heart. The progress of their relationship is one of my favourite things in this Golden Days story that I’m writing. They become close friends in ts3 universe, help each other heal, then the whole parallel universe mess happens, Zoey is thrown into the ts4 universe (I’m trying to really simplify it here because this whole post is getting too long and we’re not even halfway through), finds this universe’s version of Isaac too and so on. He knows the things she’s gone through, he’s always there for her, she’s there for him too because he has his problems too. They’re dealing with a lot.

I could talk about Josie and Lucian too but it’s too early for that and who knows, maybe eventually I’ll find out they’re not actually one of my most favourite ships.

And I know what you might be thinking - “but Miracle and Adam had a story too! They struggled too! ” Yeah, they had and yeah, there were struggles. But after that, they turned/I turned them into your generic happy cute couple. It’s partially because of the mess that gen 5 was, there just wasn’t space for any more interesting development.

I think one reason why I don’t like them as much anymore is Miracle’s storyline as a whole. I don’t connect to it as much as I did when I wrote it. It was really influenced by how I was feeling back then and I just didn’t know any better. Without getting too personal and sad, if I wrote it today, some things would be vastly different.

Yeah, Adam was a nice guy who turned out to be dating a mean girl, that’s kind of a cliche but whatever. Sometimes I enjoy cliches in a way. I would be cool with that, even though it’s dumb and, well, a cliche.

The thing that bothers me the most is the mixed message about insecurities. So yeah, Miracle doesn’t think she’s pretty, she thinks everyone would hate her if they knew she was half-alien (because that’s how it was for her at school before) and has low self-esteem because of that. And yes, there are people who are terrible to her because of that. But her friends and the people who matter (her family, Adam, Billie and Ed) would never give a damn about it, first and foremost they like her for who she is - a nice, kind, humble person. Then everyone finds out she’s half-alien, Adam then comforts her and tells her it doesn’t matter and that he actually loves her and she finally starts believing that okay, maybe it really doesn’t matter, maybe I’m pretty even though I’m not like the others.

At this point, if she had remained that way and just learned to love herself that way, that would’ve been fantastic and a great message. It’s also something I myself have learned in the past months. I don’t want to sound cheesy but yes, I found a way to love myself even though I’m not the definition of beauty standard in the slightest. (I know it’s not quite the same thing, but my relationship with myself was a big influence for Miracle’s storyline, so that’s why I used it as an example here.)

But no, I made it so that she still goes and finally changes into a fully human form. So yeah, people don’t mind her being half-alien, but still, let’s get rid of that aspect, it’ll be easier or something. A non-story reason why I did this is simply because I once found out what she would look like without the alien eyes and liked it a lot and wanted her to look like that in the legacy, which…I guess again contradicts this whole “you’re beautiful no matter what” message. I don’t know. It’s hard for me to talk about these things.

I kinda hate the fact that she only started believing in herself after a guy she loved told her to. Like…okay, I’m not saying it doesn’t happen in real life, but wouldn’t it be so much more satisfying if she realized that on her own? She would get so much stronger. What actually happened in the story didn’t get rid of her insecurities, in my opinion, she just hid them for years (until one day, she understood there are things in life that matter more than what she looks like - see Regan’s story in gen 6). 

There was also this damsel in distress aspect of her story at that point where Esme and god-knows-what-his-name-was find out who she is, threaten to beat her up (which is something I’m not proud of writing, that was too much and surely I could’ve done something else about it), suddenly Adam storms in and beats the guy up instead (which, let’s be real, is very much out of his character, but hey this damsel needed a knight to save her I guess - god, this bothers me so much).

Alright, so that happens, they move out of the dorm into their own house with Billie and Ed (that’s another relationship I have issues with, but that’s a story for another day)…and they turn into this exact happy perfect couple that doesn’t really inspire me to write anything about, except for maybe late night nightmare and comforting short stories. There’s not really anything else. Adam lowkey didn’t have a personality, Miracle is just a good girl who now doesn’t have to deal with what used to haunt her, and every interesting thing I could start a story about is gone. There are not even any good opposites about them, nothing in their personalities that would clash and make for interesting conflicts.

Wow, this was long and I’m getting lost in it. I didn’t think it would be so hard to talk about it, but it was hard. In my head, I know exactly how I feel about them, but then putting it down is difficult. Still, thank you for asking, it was interesting for me to go back to them.

[theprideful]

I've been trying to ask this for some time actually, so here I go:

Is The Good Doctor good autistic representation? I'm afraid I might have used it when talking to my neurotypical parents about the different ''degrees'' of autism using dr. Shawn as an example when in reality he's a bad example. You're one of the only actually autistic people I can ask this to, even if it might seem a stupid question, but like... Is he good autistic representation?

Thanks for the attention anyways <3

(since this is about neurodivergence and a bit long, I'm going to bold and highlight some phrases here and there, because it makes it a little easier to read.)

so, is The Good Doctor good autism rep: in my opinion, no. are there autistic people like him in real life? absolutely. but is he a good, true reflection of what autism actually is? not really.

my problem with The Good Doctor is that it employs a lot of stereotypes, and whether or not they're "good" doesn't really change the fact that it enforces this really narrow idea of what autism is to allistics; white, cishet, nerdy male who is a genius savant and lacks social skills. autism is incredibly diverse and multifaceted, and anyone and everyone will experience it differently. so the fact that only stories like Shawn's are shown really limits our progress on combatting misinformation.

but it's not just that the show very heavily leans on stereotypes and lacks general creativity in portraying the neurotype, it's that it was really obvious how few- if any- actually autistic people were consulted. it feels like a production made for capitalizing on us without actually putting in the work to show us for who and what we really are. it honestly seems like they read a few articles online and watched "rain man" (which also has many of these same issues) and based their story off of that. it's hard to tell from a glance, but the more you look into it, the more you can see that it's just regurgitating the same narrative under a shinier lens and the guise of modernity and "wokeness." this specific story they decided to tell is quite unoriginal and reflects a very small percentage of us. that's not to say that none of us can relate or see ourselves in Shawn, but the most us can't - at least, not very often or consistently. (also, there is shown to be a strong link between autism and queerness, so it's strange that even in a time where psycho/neurological research and information is rising, the white cishet protagonist remains at the front and center of autism media.)

furthermore, some of the stereotypes and "traits" they used are not supported or even really experienced by the autistic community. for instance, his visualization of anatomical systems and functions in a hyper-realistic manner is not an autistic trait. sure, there are people on the spectrum with eidetic memories and incredibly vivid "inner-eyes", but again, only a small percentage of us have that, and it's not inherently an autistic trait. (Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds is another good example of this exact scenario.) this could, in theory, tie in with the trait of "detail-orientedness" that many of us experience. but it is likely a characteristic of an entirely different disorder or neurodivergency, which only furthers the idea that it was not researched in depth and the autism aspect was only meant to serve as a plot device to make him "interesting." i don't know about you, but i personally don't like the idea of only being allowed to exist as an autistic person if neurotypicals find me interesting or "plot-relevant."

as with the last statement, the same thing also applies to the "genius savant" stereotype. believe it or not, not many autistic people are actually savants in the quirky, brilliant way that hollywood likes to portray. we have our own skills, just like allistics. sometimes our autism "enhances" them or acts as an asset. but it's kind of a roll of the dice. the way i see it is, you can have red hair and be left-handed, but neither is an automatic, promised precursor for the other. you can be autistic and a good doctor or genius scientist, but one does not necessarily cause or even influence the other. again, in this story, it's not inherently an issue. but this narrative is pushed so much, all the time, that it's really starting to feel like it's the only way we'll be accepted. but also, it solidifies this concept of "two types of autistic people at 'opposite' ends of the spectrum," where Shawn is the "high-functioning genius" type. it's a really narrow definition and caricature of a really diverse group, and it limits the way we are perceived by allistics and neurotypicals.

sorry for the long response, but in conclusion, no, it's not really good representation because it only shows one very small fraction of autism and is not entirely accurate.

one good thing i will say, though, is that I do appreciate the writers revealing his traumatic past. many autistic people experience trauma and develop PTSD, depression, and anxiety (and possibly obsessive compulsions) because of lack of understanding, so it was refreshing to see some actual multidimensional backstory that is realistic to autistic people. anyway, overall it could've been better rendered and I think if the writers weren't afraid of losing the cherished white cis-het male protagonist trope and dramatization of neurodivergence in a way that they actually stopped describing that disorder*, it could've been a lot more realistic and actually relatable/applicable to real life.

*"disorder" does not apply to all autistic people. it is a label that individuals can use to describe themselves.

if any other autistic people have any thoughts, feel free to share! i'd love to hear your opinions as well

[blacksunscorpio]

Astro Musings No. 5

Placements Most Prone to Getting Stuck in Abusive Relationships

Are usually people with Venus in Scorpio because of the intensity of how they love and the intensity in which people love them back, Venus in Libra due to their penchant for trying to see the good in those they love. Venus square/opposing Neptune, due to these natives often idealizing those who do not deserve it. Venus in Pisces, due to their savior complexes. People with Moon squaring their Mars’, or Moon conjunct/squaring/opposing their Pluto’s— often they associate pain and intensity of feeling as equatable to love. These are the types of people who feel deeply and often have a hard time entertaining the idea of love unless there is some sort of “suffering” involved.

Many with Moon or Venus squaring Saturn

Can endure the same thing/have the same habits. I’ve found with the latter two the duration of these relationships will last a lot longer. This is because Saturn adds longevity to relationships.

Nessus in aspect to Dejanira in synastry

Can also cause obsession or at its worst, abuse. Sparknotes version of the Greek myth is a wild centaur named Nessus attempted to kidnap and rape Dejanira as he was ferrying her across the river Euenos, but she was rescued by Heracles. If you’ve ever watched Disney’s Hercules, Megara is the Hollywood version of this broad. In regard to synastry Dejanira is the asteroid of the victim, especially sexual, and Nessus indicates the abuser. If this appears in synastry you can be certain two people will have some sort of abuse involved in their relationship or some sort of intense obsession with each other than may not be altogether healthy. Be careful if it aspects [in square or opposition] Sado or Algol. No bueno. If touching Chiron it there will be some sort of lesson involved. Make sure it’s one worth learning. Aspects like these in astrology can be very humbling.

Typically if One Has an Aspect Natally it Will Often Appear in Synastry With Another.

For example, One can have their Sun opposing their moon and often attract people whose moons oppose or square their sun. If one has a Mercury squaring their Pluto, they may attract someone whos Pluto square’s their Mercury. You can often always trace a synastry aspect back to one or the other person’s natal chart.

People with Venus Conjunct Lilith

Will have enormous sex appeal. Their basic femininity will be in touch with their wild femininity. If in the 10th house, they may make a career out of it. Become models or make money off their figures. One of my best friends is a porn star and has this aspect. Her ‘Only Fans’ is poppin’.

People with Sagittarius 5th houses

Can/will adopt children from other countries or have children in countries other than their native land. Angelina Jolie’s 5th house is in Sagittarius and her whole brood save for 3 are of different ethnicities.  People with the same rising sign as you often deal with many of the same issues as you and therefore, can be easier to have friendships/relationships with. This is typically because two people will have the same houses/house sign cusps.

Placements That Make One Lucky

Are often strong Jupiter placements. Jupiter rules fortune and is in general a benefic planet. Wherever he touches will show growth or excess of energy. It is best when he is working harmoniously. So, Jupiter trining/conjunct/sextiling inner planets or Jupiter trining the north node. Jupiter as the most elevated planet is a good indicator of someone who often gets lucky in the nick of time. Luck often comes through at the clutch for these folks.  Asteroid Fortuna, Fama, or Abundantia making harmonious/conjunctions to planets like Jupiter, the Sun, or the Moon. The Sun in the 10th house is a good indicator of someone lucky in their career. Asteroid Karma No. 3811 in favorable aspect to inner planets, and/or Asteroid Talent No. 33154 in favorable aspect to inner planets or in benefic houses.

A good place to look to see determine someone’s physical features is often their Sun, Rising, Dominant planet, or Midheaven.

Yes, I know, not very exciting but I keep telling you guys to stop ignoring your Sun. It is the most powerful Planet in your chart. However, if we were to look beyond the Sun, Your rising sign is your face. Someone with a Scorpio rising will inevitably have some sort of intensity to them. 9 times out of 10, it has something to do with their eyes. The Midheaven will also show you a bit more, usually how a person carries themselves. I often find those with Virgo or Venus Midheavens [women] are very good in heels. Good with structured walking. Men will often have model-esque walks as well. Attention grabbers. Same with those with Capricorn MC’s. Neptune MC’s have a bit of a “swagger to their walk” like they’re swimming through air. Gemini MC’s are often very light on their feet. Aries MC’s walk in a very militaristic way. Straight backed. Authoritarian. George W. Bush has an Aries MC and walks in such a way.

Psychic connections in Synastry [Platonic or Romantic]

Are usually 12th house, 8th house, 1st house, or 9th house placements/Overlays. Aspect-wise typically Moon to the lunar nodes, Uranus to the Nodes or Moon, Vertex to nodes, PLUTO, or NEPTUNE to Mercury. Mercury to Moon, Mercury to Uranus, or Neptune. These are all highly psychic points. Having these placements in synastry/overlay will usually indicate dreaming of the other person, prophetic dreams [especially if 9th house or Jupiter is involved] Knowing what the other person is thinking or gut hunches about the person’s well being. If in harmonious aspect these will make you feel closer to the person or bolster feelings of affection. In hard aspect, it can cause obsession or the other person may feel as if they are “haunting” you. Trust me.

A Singleton Planet

is a planet posited in the only sign or house of its type [element, mode, or orientation]. For example, if your sun is the only planet in a water house, or if your moon is the only planet in a sign of universal orientation, those would be singletons. Singletons are EXTREMELY powerful forces in the natal chart. They can be considered focal points of consciousness, sometimes vehicles of manifestation. They are widely understood to have extreme expressions (or repressions) which are heavily symbolic in a native’s entire life.

People with many Aries placements, strong Martian influence, [especially if in aspect to Mercury or Mars], or hard Plutonic aspects [including conjunctions] tend to enjoy more aggressive forms of music. The types to listen to heavy metal/rock or hardcore gansta rap.

Leo and Aquarius mixing in a natal chart or in the 2nd house can make someone have a bit of a “bark” like voice.

Venus retrograde natives may have had a hard time or still have a hard time in their social lives especially if it’s placed in the 11th house.

On Chiron

People with Chiron in Aries have a fear of failure. Can suffer from identity issues. They can heal by empowering others and being independent. Chiron in Taurus feel as if they never have enough. May have grown up a bit poor or might feel as if they don’t deserve nice things. They can heal by being financially responsible, but also treating themselves to something nice once in a while. Chiron in Gemini feels like no one understands them, may have suffered from feeling unintelligent or their mental pursuits were discouraged. They can heal by speaking up. Writing or singing. Translating their pain into beautiful intellectual activity. Chiron in Cancer feel as if they can’t be vulnerable They may have been made to feel ashamed of their emotions. May have suffered neglect at home, specifically from the mother. They can heal by taking care of others. Cooking. Expressing themselves to those they trust. Not everyone will hurt you. Chiron in Leo may have suffered from being invalidated in life. Feeling rejected. Having impossible standards forced on them. Not getting recognition for their talents. They can heal through channeling creativity into art. Helping others see their worth. Being playful and bold in their own self-expression. Chiron in Virgo may suffer from some sort of distorted self-image. Perfectionism or excess of criticism from others/family. As a result, they can either be extremely critical or compensate by being people pleasers. They can heal by maintaining their health and seeing a counselor [remember Mercury who rules the mind is the ruler of Virgo so mental health is NOT something to ignore.]

People with Venus in Taurus

Are actually some of the slowest moving people in terms of romance. Even more than Capricorn Venusians. They love to take their sweet time. If they were to be a Tarot card, they’d be the Knight of Pentacles. Methodical, slow-moving, careful. They are caring but terrified of choosing the wrong person, being abandoned, or making the wrong move. They study the object of their affections almost to the level of Plutonians [but without the dark appeal]. This is because they want to know how and what pleases the other person. Very traditional.

Cancerians

Are very jealous in love and can give Scorpios a run for their money.

Leo Moons

LOVE ATTENTION I've noticed even more than Leo suns. Why? Because validation is often tied to what makes them feel good emotionally [moon]. These are the people who will post about 20 snap or insta stories talking about their day.

Gemini Mars’

Have a problem with dry-snitching on themselves. This is because their drive is tied with their intellect and speech. As a result, they can often find themselves saying more than they mean to.

Aquarian placements

Are high-key opinionated but are can also be the least accepting of other points of view, especially if Saturn/Capricorn is in the mix. This is because they are fixed air. So their mindsets/intellectual opinions are hard-pressed to change. Good luck trying to win an argument with one. However, they do move on quickly because they are detached by nature.

Sagittarians/strong sag placements will often make friends the easiest out of any zodiac sign. Opinionated but their curiosity for people from all walks of life makes it easy to relate to them. Those who come after would most likely be Gemini moons or 5th House/ 11th House Leo’s.

6th house placements, especially if Leo or Pisces sits on the cusp often are very good with animals. Piggybacking on that, Piscean placements tend to have an almost telepathic ability with animals.

Cats seem to take to Scorpionic people very easily, even if the native doesn’t care for them. As a matter of fact, most Scorpionic people have a knack with animals that are nocturnal. Spiders, Owls, Cats, Foxes. These animals will likely find a Scorpio native/ those with heavy Scorpio placements out of nowhere or perhaps never bite them.

Astro Musings No. 1 Astro Musings No. 2  Astro Musings No. 3  Astro Musings No. 4  Astro Musings No. 6 Astro Musings No. 7 Astro Musings No. 8  Astro Musings No. 9  Astro Musings No. 10

[avelera]

Yes, “Hamilton” technically fails the Bechdel Test, but fixing this wouldn’t fix the story and shows a fundamental misunderstanding of the musical’s structure

So some dude on Twitter has decided that Hamilton isn’t progressive because it doesn’t pass the Bechdel Test. He is not wrong, exactly, the problem is that it shows a lack of understanding of the story’s structure, ie, it’s not something you can easily change without losing an element that makes Hamilton great, and I don’t say this lightly. (As you can see, this person being wrong on the internet is gnawing at me, but Twitter is the wrong place to illustrate all the ways he’s not exactly wrong, but is missing the point.)

Let me explain. First of all, I do have my problems with Hamilton from a writerly perspective (mostly there are some “Mary Sue-ish” moments where both the characters and the narrative are obsessed with how great he is at moments that feel unearned) and I’ve taken issue in the past with shows that don’t pass the Bechdel Test while being labeled as ‘progressive’. 

But the place where Hamilton fails is, “Two women talking about something other than a man.” Obviously, two women speak in Hamilton, specifically in the song “Schuyler Sisters”, but admittedly they are talking about looking for likely husbands on their trip to NYC. On it’s face, it may seem like the only time the women of the show are speaking, much less to each other, they’re always talking about guys, thus failing the Bechdel Test.

Except they’re not just talking about guys, they’re talking about Alexander. Or rather, they’re setting up the kind of man they’re looking for and what attracts them, which is setting up their attraction to Alexander we will see in “Helpless” and “Satisfied”. Again, maybe not a good excuse for Bechdel purists. 

The thing is, and this is where Twitter Dude is wrong in his analysis, literally every single song of the musical is about Alexander in some way. I promise you, people like Burr and Washington had stuff going on in their life that has nothing to do with Alexander, but the only time they’re in the show singing about their problems in life is when it directly relates to Alexander. “Right Hand Man” introduces Washington and the Revolutionary War, but it’s specifically about his search for an assistant who turns out to be Alexander. “Wait For It” is about Burr’s motivation in life, but it’s presented in relation to how Alexander influences his motivations and how he sees himself. When you dig down, every single song is about Alexander in some way or another.

And this is a good thing, structurally. Hamilton is a biography of Alexander Hamilton (and, some could successfully argue, Eliza Hamilton) with a heavily unreliable narrator who thinks Alexander is the greatest, and him being the greatest is the rationale for why the story is being told. Therefore, from a writerly perspective, the way we keep the narrative tight is by making sure that every beat and song ties back to the central rationale of the story and why it’s being told, which is to tell the story of this great guy Alexander Hamilton.

Making every song in some way about Alexander, keeps the story focused. Keeping the story focused, allows the musical to showcase a wide variety of characters and musical styles, because we’re never left wondering “Why did the music just change and what does it mean? Who is this person? What do they have to do with the story?” Because the story is Alexander and they all relate to him eventually.

Yes, this undermines the literal definition of the Bechdel Test, but it’s not an edit that would improve the story because that singular focus allows the musical to pull off as much as it does. Having the Schuyler sisters discuss something that has no relationship to Alexander’s life would muddy the narrative. I’m sure, in theory, it’s possible but I’m not sure it actually adds anything besides the brownie points of having literally accomplished this. The Schuyler sisters are well written, rounded out characters, who have their own complex inner lives. Yet we see those characters almost entirely in relation to Alexander because every character in the musical has rich inner lives that we’re only exposed to when those lives intertwine with Alexander’s story. 

Which, for the record, is a great lesson on tight biographical story structure for writers!

[kiranatrix]

If Mikami found the death note instead of Light how would this influence the story regarding his interactions with L and Misa?

Hi Anon! That’s an interesting question and I see it going a lot differently vs. how the story went with Light. But to be honest, I think the most interesting change would be in Mikami’s reactions to Ryuk and Rem vs. to L or Misa.

If Mikami found the Death Note, his worldview about being ‘chosen by god’ would factor in heavily with how he used it. The problem here is that Mikami wouldn’t have an immediate person to point to and say, “That’s god and they are one that gave me a clear task.” He’d only have the notebook and it’s rules, and he’d interpret everything on his own according to how he already lived his life (i.e., there’s an invisible all-powerful god out there somewhere capable of miracles and directing his life, and unworthy people don’t deserve to live). He’d see it as powerful confirmation that what he’d always believed was true-- this second-hand, god-like power came to HIM! He’s special and chosen!! He’s found his true purpose at last.

I would see Mikami’s immediate reaction to Ryuk being both confusion and elation followed by disappointment-- god has appeared before him but THIS demonic, amoral creature is god???!! Ryuk would have a good laugh over that and clarify that he was just bored and tossed the notebook to earth with no particular person in mind. I think that would be devastating to Mikami, he might feel depressed or have a crisis. I could see the outcome going two ways: 1) he rejects the Death Note as a tool of an unworthy ‘god’; or 2) decides to use the Death Note anyway towards a goal he feels aligns with the ‘worthy’ god of his imagination. Light had no issue dismissing Ryuk’s words about not being chosen; Mikami would likely do it, too. Perhaps he thinks this was a test from god, and Mikami had prove himself to be worthy of being god’s hand.

If he decided to use it (or keep using it), I think he’d study it closely but use it almost immediately, and with a heavier hand than Light did. Not with regards to volume/number of names, but with who Mikami felt was ‘unworthy.’ This is how he was using the Death Note Light sent him before being pulled back to just murderers. Mikami wouldn’t have inside knowledge of the Kira investigation like Light had with Soichiro, and that would be a drawback with how effectively he could hide from L. He’d also fall for the Lind L. Tailor ploy if L pulled that trick (this person is going against the will of god!). 

I highly doubt that Mikami would feel comfortable joining his own investigation like Light did, and would decline that offer, probably making the valid excuse that he was a busy prosecutor and working on the case in his own angle (if L ever caught Kira). L would have to focus on traditional means of investigation and I think the way he would catch Mikami (probably easily) is by placing cameras in Mikami’s house and seeing him use the notebook/talk to Ryuk. That’s because Mikami has likely come to rely on feeling ‘protected’ in his life by god, and because as a prosecutor, he knows that placing cameras would be illegal. Without getting close to L like Light did, he might not understand what L was willing to do. Mikami was careful but he does slip up; he shines when he has clear directions or can infer them.

As for Misa, if L hadn’t already caught Mikami by then, I suppose she’d still track ‘Kira’ down IF Mikami killed her parents’ murderer by then. That’s likely he had. I don’t think she’d squee over Mikami as much as she did Light; Mikami’s handsome but older, kinda uptight, and not as much Misa’s type. Plus, given he’s a prosecutor she might even have mixed feelings that he let her parents’ murderer slip away in the first place. So if they met, I think it would be more tempered and less ‘be my boyfriend or else.’ Especially since I don’t see Misa’s personality being particularly attractive to Mikami and vice versa. I do think he’d be open to teaming up; after all, Misa was chosen by god, too (and Rem might be a more suitable place to project his idea of god onto). But since Rem’s ultimate goal is Misa’s happiness and protection, Mikami would feel pretty confused by that. Why is a god so focused on her and not on him (who is ‘more deserving’?). He got stuck with the discount trickster god and Misa got a guardian angel??? I could see that resulting in a lot of inner confict.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

You're one of my favourite authors! So niceness is deserved. Asks/comments are particularly stressful for me, and especially off anon, but I enjoy your work! I have lots of miscellaneous thoughts 😅. Character theory which describes character as the tension between implied person and literary form is a *whole* topic. Like- Karen Renford and the use of her across the BBU as a plot device/face to the evil of WRU compared to her as a person is really interesting. I haven't read all her stuff, 1/2

but I think that her effectiveness is in part because of how effective she is as a force of story? The character-space she inhabits is a kind of black hole in the centre of the story- she echoes through recovery of the rescues from Chris kneeling at "respect" to other mentions (like in orchidscript's Henry) which means the reader gets this larger-than-life sense of her because she is defined (or was for me) through the sheer size of her actions and how much these disparate characters revolve 2/2

(3 sorry) around her. Her breaking out of the ask game with the play button? Absolutely masterful. What better way to show her control of the world than by her control of the story itself? Her static, powerful character is a flatter one than almost all whumpees in the BBU- and I mean that in a very positive way. Most characters are more implied person than they are literary form, and many side-characters become round characters (using EM Forster's definition here) (ask maybe not best format)

4. If the other characters are round characters capable of growth and surprise who are implied people compared to Karen Renford who is a force of story not only in that she has a consistent worldview which she continues to follow throughout the story but she also has a *perfect* balance of tension between form and implied person wherein her character does drive story then she just is automatically different and more powerful than other characters on the plane of form?

5. But this was a horrible formatting idea on my part, I haven't read all her stories, and it is the wee hours of the morning so I'm not at my most coherent- so please do take the opinion heavily salted. Flat characters who are consistent and boldly drawn persist as the most recognisable characters in literature. She is round going by usual definition and I really want to make that clear, here I am talking about her sheer consistency and single-minded drives. I'm really sorry this was so messy.

So, I often describe Karen as a kind of environmental whump all her own. Think about when reviewers talk about a book/movie/show and describe the environment or location as a kind of character in and of itself. That’s how I see Karen Renford. Her inner life is not particularly rich - she is, as you mentioned, a largely flat character defined by hyper-efficiency and sadism that is slowly spiraling out of control. 

She has no tragic backstory - her family was utterly normal, loving and supportive. She is Karen Renford anyway. She was not particularly a poor or exceptional student - she was Karen Renford anyway. She did not receive a head injury, she has no mental illness, you can’t dig down deep into Karen and find The Reason Why She’s Like This - she just... is. She’s Karen.

Does she have a weakness for New York cheesecake with cherry sauce? Yes, absolutely. It humanizes her, maybe. But she also routinely drugs her own household for fun, doesn’t bat an eye over turning a problem-causing handler into a pet, and is genuinely proud of her record in taking WRU to the top of the industry in no small part by embracing highly expensive “extralegal acquisitions” (ie, kidnapping) for high-dollar clients.

Karen has touched the lives of hundreds of pets, and not once has it been a positive experience for anyone but her. One reason I like her as a free use character is simply because of how wide-ranging her influence becomes, in that case. Karen Renford is the Facility as much as the Facility is - she is the maze of terror and memory loss. She is fear, in the minds of the trainees who interact with her. 

Karen isn’t a fully-fleshed-out character as a deliberate move on my part. I want her to be, to some extent, slightly removed. I want her to seem like the force of nature she is. She is about as human, in the minds of pets and even many handlers, as a hurricane. And probably just as destructive.

And in the end, when all is said and all is done? She’s going to have lived a full life spent wreaking absolute misery on everyone she touches.

[adamgeorgiou]

Arthur, My Cousin and Me

I don’t know how to detangle Arthur from myself enough to write dispassionately or accurately. Instead, what follows is something like half him, half me. It’s more journal entry than elegy. To a general audience, that might make this less interesting than it otherwise could be, but it’s what I’ve got. Remember this if and when you get to the end. 

Anyway…

I feel like I knew Arthur. Then I heard what others had to say and saw what others had to feel. Following his death, I still feel like I know him. In certain ways better than most or all. But there’s a part of me that’s often strained to believe that I was in more of his inner circle than I actually was, and his death exposed the truth of my position.

It’s a practical observation, not a dramatic one. I’m not saying he had a dominating and hidden alter ego or that he pitied me. It’s simpler: his death revealed my confidence in our bond as an illusion innocuously leftover from being kids together, from back when we actually spent serious time together. I want him back now like I’ve continuously wanted back what we lost long ago, but now it’s double-permanent and legible. Before it was remediable and blissfully hidden — embarrassing in hindsight, like most nostalgia. 

But he also had that same nostalgia and held onto it, too, which makes me feel better. That mutual thread to our shared past was strong for both of us. It gave us a lot to lean on, but we leaned on it a little too heavily. Without that crutch, our adult lives were mostly opaque to one another, but also we were getting close again, involving each other again. Building anew. The left hook following the right. It’s a shame we weren’t closer than we were, when he died. It’s a shame our getting closer was cut short. 

I guess it makes sense, generally: as adults, we’re all doing niche things, and niches are small and excluding, so everything else trends towards becomes small talk. (And that’s fine and right, because focus is necessary for growth. Just try and stay loyal, which Arthur did and my cousins do.)

Maybe it wasn’t so much that I was uniquely outside of Arthur’s confidence, but more that we had both (or all) grown a bit into our own isolation. In any case, I mourn the loss and its new finality.

So that’s him and I as adults, apart. Who was he, though? What can I tell you?

Well, I’ll briefly start with me, for context. Who I am is still him, the result of his influence, for sure. Of growing with, then adjacent to him, then apart, then converging again (more on the converging, later). If you distilled me down and got rid of all the litter and trivia, the rare and potent stuff remaining would be similar to what I knew of Arthur. We had the same essence, as I saw it. So I can show you that reflection, and you can tell me if it’s accurate (See: first paragraph’s disclaimer). (Also, note my calling out our similarity is carefully placed right before I go on to flatter him best I can — tactics, baby — but don’t read my ego into this. What follows is all my cousin.)

Arthur and confidence. Old saying: the pro fails more often than the amateur tries.

The subtleties of his personality were sophisticated and complicated. He could spar at an exceptional level from an early age. But he started out lazy and overthrowing a lot of his punches, gassing out quickly. 

As a kid, he was autistically independent, preoccupied and hyper focused, but without any of the social hangups. He could talk to anyone and impressed everyone. He was adored, and rightfully so, but he also marched to the beat of his own nunchucks, exclusively. You couldn’t bullshit him, and you couldn’t placate him unless he was genuinely fascinated with what you offered. This is how kids should be, insatiably curious and wild. It was my favorite era of his, and where we spent the most time together. I was such an asshole to him, and he still always hung out with me. And we followed each other into a lot of similar interests.

Then he got his first hit of testosterone, and followed a phase where he literally held a fist up in every photo taken of him. Ha. Puberty’s a bitch. That didn’t last long. Reality checked and he stabilized. The important thing is that he knew he wasn’t going to watch, he was going to play. I loved him here, jealously and from a further distance. I couldn’t hang.

Then maturity: The firm handshake, the direct eye contact, the bright teeth, the smiling cheeks. Approachable, but not daffy. If anything his charisma was a prank and shrewd tactic; a car salesman during the first act, a playful subversion before the intellect and wit made their debut; or, worse for you, they didn’t. You’d start talking to Arthur and think you were walking in on a frat-boy breakfast table, then he’d go on to tell you why your problem was really because of what Robert Moses did back in ‘56, or he’d ask if you thought the The States were in a similar stage of decadence as Rome before its fall.

To him, your reason was more important than your choice, which is an axiom of all good conversation, one that most people are afraid to admit because doing so requires the ability to tread water. It’s easier to talk about the weather or watch sports. But Arthur wasn’t afraid of going deeper, and he had the tact to know when it was the right thing to do.

He was a man of appetite. A true traveling gourmand. He could scoff at you from within a seersucker, but he never compared oysters. If a menu offered Seattle’s or Rhode Island’s, he’d reply, “keep ‘em coming” and demand littlenecks or (and) crawfish to follow. He was less interested in varieties of wine, more in varieties of tomato and whether you had a good coarse salt.

He was spoiled rotten — as we all were, and mostly by the same sources — but he lacked pretension, except for that deliberately wielded for ironic effect. Underneath all his developed and developing taste was a lot of comical stoicism — laughing at gross injustice and absurdity, but also doing something about it, literally. His principles were conjured up from experience with the trappings of pleasure, with readings of history, with a variety of surprisingly worldly stories. I always wondered where and how he got it all. The guy had seen things, but not that many things. How was he always so versed? I don’t know, but if you’ve ever watched him eat a box of clementines straight up, wide-eyed in a wrinkled rugby shirt, then you would also know he was more pensive than pleasure seeking.

Entertainment was a defense, one he was growing out of as he realized it interfered with his goals and their requirements. A defense against what? I don’t know for sure, but I suspect the typical. On one hand, a lack of patience and a petulant refusal to be bored. On the other, the existential and solipsistic. A defense against the subconscious shame and pain of cynicism. Was love real? Was wealth worth anything? Was the world bogus? Was anyone authentic? Ethical? Himself? Others?

Look, I’m not saying he was overwhelmed with this gooey crap. He was a thinker, not a navel gazer. I don’t know if he even said any of this stuff out loud, but anyone with a brain is going to ask some questions about the life they’re living and the society they’re in, and most of us don’t like the first obvious answers we come up with. Then we do something about not liking those answers. We put fingers in our ears some of the time, we do what’s easy some of the time, and we do what’s difficult some of the time. And also, anyone with any talent is going to find themselves bored among the average, and falling short of their own standards. These were Arthur’s struggles, I think. At least, they’re kind of my struggles, and Arthur seemed to harmonize with me when we’d commiserate. Or maybe we were both pompous assholes, wannabe aristocrats from the suburbs. Or maybe that was just me. Ha.

To some, it might seem appropriate to haunt him here in this postscript, as if to justify his death as the terminal approach of a depression into cessation. Let me be clear: this was totally not the case, from my vantage. Instead, the above attitudes are more like the required cost-of-entry to a great show. If the unexamined life isn’t worth living, it does not mean the examined one is easy to live. The alternative is Judge Judy and a monogrammed armchair. Not for Arthur. Caulfield eventually quits his bitching, but he has to eat a lot of shit first. Siddhartha finally leaves the brothel, but he had to walk in that door in order to walk out of it later. Hard times are the prerequisite to epiphany. Painful and confusing; but hopeful, not despairing. 

And you could tell Arthur was among this company because the personas he employed became increasingly sophisticated, useful, attractive, and comfortable. From the brawling, pack-leading, indulgent, jokester/show-off into the relaxed, independent, luxurious, conversationalist who wasn’t as afraid to let his guard down, who was increasingly responsible. He was cultivated. He had a tamed self-consciousness (as we all aspire). It was impressive to watch him pull his own strings, to compare that with your own attempts and be humbled.

And thus, as I see it, the irony, hard to swallow, is that Arthur was finding answers to life’s hard questions in fistfuls. Love was possible. Work was worth it. Viktor Frankl was right. And he was learning patience and conviction, already better at their practice than most (e.g. me). As Dan put it, he was just taking off. He jumped and then a hand reached up from the almost escaped gravity and cut him by the heel.

A complete, but simple tragedy.

Complete, because the good guy lost. 

Simple, because Arthur’s life was not some melodramatic airport novel. His death was a lightning strike, a deus ex machina in reverse. A two sentence accident, not an assassination. Not much more to be read from it. Mortality is hard, right? (See: Genesis).

And for all my elaboration, I don’t even think Arthur was all that noxiously introspective or exceptionally self destructive either. The guy knew how to love and be loved. How to let his hair down, appropriately. How to shift gears and drive forward. How to resist temptation. How to find and be good company. How to stare at a fish tank. How to sit and read. How to eat fruit in the sun. He was typically bright, with a lot of flair and personality. I know he was grateful.

Or I’m wrong. Maybe I’m inventing a story to make sense of something more concealed or of pure chaos. I don’t know. I don’t think so.

In any case, it’s a tragedy. And regardless of what is true, I’m still glad I got to hear his story and be part of some of it. He was and remains a good influence to me, a fellow bright eyed boy attempting to sustain himself in the body of a straight-backed man. He’ll live on for a long, long time. And I keep talking to him.

That’s some of what I knew of him. And given this is my catharsis, forgive me further, but more about me:

Sadness, gratitude, and disappointment. 

I’m sad. Still? Yes. Always? Probably not. The inevitability of death hits a certain emotional bedrock after enough love is lost. I’m probably not there yet, still more distance to fall, but things are tapering off, in the aggregate. Maybe I’m just cold. 

Sadness is the least interesting. I am separated from someone I love, and that sucks. We all have people we’ve loved, and we are all damned to lose them. But yes, I get those black bile clutches to the chest as I’m reminded that Arthur (et al.) is gone. And I wanna hold your hand, if you’re feeling it too.

It’s a curse that requires gratitude. Time keeps on slipping, and the portion of time that one spends with good people is shorter still. I’m thankful for Arthur’s good company. From childhood to peerdom. This is what I’ll try and focus on. It’s the mantra I’ll repeat. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Then there’s the sulking disappointment. My head slowly shaking, my eyes unfocused contemplating the loss of the unpredictable conversations, the refreshingly interesting trivia, the uniqueness, the independence, the honed never impersonated taste, the great breadth of knowledge, the artful ball busting, the avoidance of cliches, the shared recommendations, the belly laughs. Obnoxious mutual indulgence — food and talk — during Thanksgiving at Stacy’s table, the shared past at Everit Ave, the just started planning. The feeling of a just missed answer to the question of how to get it back, continuously nagging.

More on that: I’m dealing with a huge mess of unanswerable questions and impotence. There’s so much broken by his leaving, least of all in me, and I can’t fix any of it. No way to organize it. I can’t even help others fix it. Acknowledging the impossibility of the situation seems better than ignoring it, so I will (…acknowledge that death breaks the world and makes inconsistent a lot taken as granted). Arthur’s death is an oily surreal void in the middle of the road. A portal to nowhere. And sure, life will go on. We will preserve. Time heals all wounds. That’s all true. But any schmuck can offer a platitude. I want to be responsible for what he’s left behind, in precise detail. I want to pick up the slack, fill in the blank. But what was his remains his, locked up behind whatever door his soul is now shut. It’s maddening.

I went so far as to tell Olivia that I was her brother, too, and that I would be there for her. Idiot. I love her, she knows I love her, I know she loves me. Yada, yada. I need no pity for my vomiting on the rug. My point is: I can’t be Arthur. I can’t even be close to Arthur. Adam — while still pretty good — isn’t a substitute for Arthur. I apologized for being so naive and sloppy, but the moment taught me what I was trying to say above: that I am ignorant of so much of Arthur’s life, and in ways that can’t be remedied by interviewing his friends or reading his book or wearing his shoes, sort of speak. A lot of it isn’t just unknown, it’s unknowable.

This requires more thought. Surely something can be done. Entropy can’t be rewound, but duct tape can keep a plane in the air. So here’s something I’m going to try: I’m going to be more vulnerable. I’m going to expose myself the way a brother or a son might, and see what happens. It won’t transform me into a replacement, and I’ll probably make a clown of myself. But it’s worth a shot. To build different connections, instead of replicas. I can already see that the cousins have been hammered stronger by this. Now it’s time to be deliberate, and keep that train going, if possible. And yea, I’ll do the practical stuff. You can’t call Barb, enough. And I’ll call Liv, too, but with finesse, without overdoing it. And the rest of our family, as well, because we all lost something. For some a spleen; for others, more vital organs.

Moving on.

It’s further maddening to have Arthur’s death aligned and intertwined with so much of my pleasure. I’m a week into marriage. I’m ecstatic and overwhelmed by the potential of my future. I’m also newly terrified of losing a child not yet even conceived. That’s a fun one. Probably a lot more neurosis to come. But, yea… it’s a violent set of waves to endure and ride. It’s exhilarating and crushing, and guiltily I’ll admit, more of the former. I’m pronoid.

The guilt compounds as I realize that I’m only comparing the conflict between my pleasure and pain, when the actual accounting includes my pleasure, my pain, and all the pain of all the others he left behind, those we both loved. What about Alexandra? Barb? Liv? Dan? A dominating, trailing factor; ego-hidden and selfishly deprioritized. What would Jesus do? Not have a wedding during shiva, although I appreciate all the encouragement and insistence from the also mourning invitees.

Back to Arthur and I having grown apart and then, more recently, back together:

There exists a line separating most relationships. On one side of the line you have people who have a reasonably complete model of you in their head. (See: Theory of Mind.) On the other side of the line are people who have a functional model; they know what they need to know to get the job done, but they don’t know, perhaps have never seen, the whole thing. For ex., a spouse vs a colleague (most of the time). 

The line is called intimacy, and relationships on both sides of the line can be valuable, but the intimate ones have more potential in both directions, fat tails; the intimate ones can yield fortunes and bankruptcies. Acquaintances are tepid.  

I described it above, how Arthur’s and my relationship moved from the intimate to the distant. I’ll skip further detailing that transition, and just get to the thing that hurts now: we were getting markedly closer, again. I could see the trajectory of our friendship and would bet on our returning to intimacy and confidence.

If the isolation of vocation and growth drives most bourgeois adults apart and into impersonal silos, then eventual mastery and plateau allows room for a focus on humanity, again. And humanity is universal and objective. People can stand on it, together, and get to know each other (again). That’s where I felt Arthur and I were.

I felt like Arthur and I had taken two separate tracks at a fork 15 years ago, and just recently those two roads started to merge back into the same path. We had stories to tell each other, of our time in the wild. It was the basis for a new bond, perhaps stronger than the old one.

Unsolicited phone calls. Talks of marriage, health, wealth. Suggestions of books and podcasts that were actually followed through with, instead of disappearing into the void like most cocktail party prescriptions. We’d follow back. Not rushing each other past awkward silence. Being patiently invested in one another. Showing up. Talking about vulnerable topics, like fears and aspirations for careers, and relationships, and family. And then, right during the peak of this rekindling, this jubilee, he died. And I doubt that I was the only one whose newfound growth and compatibility were cut short. You’re not alone.

So I hurt for the spent love, yes, like that of most grief. But I hurt more for the lost potential. I had so many fresh dreams that included him. It’s disappointing and sad.

To be clear, I’m disappointed in what’s lost, not disappointment in him. I blame him for nothing, even if maybe I should or others do. But any of his mistakes could have easily been mine, and so I sympathize. I’m not angry. Ambition implies risk. Vice is vice is inevitable. Growth means growth from something. Different contexts, need not apply.

Anyway, what else? The thing I linger on now is a weird faith. I have little faith or rather I have difficulty finding faith. I scrutinize faith until it’s demoralized. And yet, the discontinuity introduced by Arthur’s absence gives me faith, illogically but compellingly. I don’t strive for it, it’s simply there, point blank. I can’t explain it, but I can describe it.

Arthur is gone forever, and Arthur is part of my future. Both irrevocably true, yet incompatible. What to do about it? Apparently, not much. My mind absolutely and happily refuses to budge. The feeling that Arthur is part of my future supersedes the knowledge that he’s not. Knowing he’s gone does nothing to my belief that my future includes him. So it continues to. Sue me, I can’t help it.

See you in the funnies, Arthur. (More trivia: I never called him Artie or Art or Archo. He was always Arthur to me.)

Lastly, some good, more recent memories (skipping some that have already been shared):

The last thing I spoke to Arthur about was extensive advice, over the phone, on how to structure a prenup. “Don’t put anything about kids in there, because the courts won’t accept that you understood what you were agreeing to, prior to actually having the kids.” Smart. “Everyone should get one! The courts encourage it! Helps ungunk the works.” Ha. Kelly and I never got a prenup, but the candid advice on such a touchy subject makes me laugh.

Eating a whole pig at a communal table, biergarten style, at Saxon and Parole, in New York. Arthur talking the whole table’s ear off about everything, and then after discussing eating brains, we asked the chef to bring the pig’s over, and he did. Afterwards, walking to our trains, jolly, drunk.

Visiting Arthur in Scotland. Going out to some Uni warehouse party, and me getting lost with some bird. I didn’t have a working European phone, and so when I got home at dawn, seeing him and his big bravado looking like a worried mother goose made me laugh and proud, like a big brother again. Him cooking the two of us mussels and linguine with three whole heads of garlic. Delicious. Steak in Edinburgh, and him showing me the castles like he was himself a duke, personal friends of Hume and Smith.

I wished we went on more walks together.

Us planning on going to Joe Beef, in Montreal, with Alexandra and Kelly.

Him calling me to tell me Anthony Bourdain had died, and subsequently talking about it. “If he can’t make it, who can?” There’s that cynicism again. But it was a candid moment. And we ended that talk, more or less, believing we could make it, even if Bourdain couldn’t.

Discussing whether we were fated to end up like our parents. 

Him shooting the .38 up in Gilboa.

Legos, spanky, ice box bedroom, V8-turbo toilet, the pool, the trampoline, the screen porch and its green furniture, endless chicken rolls followed by cold pizza, karate in the basement (no shoes on the mats), rolling on the carpet (i.e. roll mosh), forts, the Barbie game on the gateway computer in Izzy’s room, Snood, army men in the mud ripping up sod by the square foot unit, jealousy listening to Timberlake camp stories, the suburban with 100 blankets in the third row and Don McLean on the radio, toxic farts, the Pokemon store, the Pokemon cards I’d steal from him after going to the Pokemon store, a million cups of Lipton at Barb’s table, Rage Against the Machine in Dan’s car, lanyards, fishing in the Hewlett Bay, Harry Potter, him never sleeping over my house and getting rides home at 2am after attempting to (me pissed), hiding in that lone pine tree in the front yard, making window art out glitter glue, salamanders, watching him attempt to ride a bike in the driveway.

A menial history, but ours. Anyway…

Arthur, you were great. It’s not for me to say that you’re now resting in peace, because I think you were pretty zen while you were alive, in your own pastel-colored kimono kind of way. So instead, I hope you’re as satisfied there as you were interested here. I’ll see you soon, and until then, I’ll try and hold the line for you. Love ya’.

[jonathananubian]

Te Dralyc Kar 10 [Star Wars Fanfic]

Synopsis:

Jango isn’t quite sure how he came to adopt a blonde slave boy after a job on Tatooine went sideways, but he honestly couldn’t complain. The boy is a little genius, brimming with compassion and a willingness to learn. The only hiccup, as far as Jango is concerned, is the fact that his boy is a naturally powerful force user. Someone the jetii would want to get their hands on.

Of course- he’d just like to see them try.

[This story isn’t linear. More like a series of snapshots. At least until later chapters.]

Link to AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24022666/chapters/57795934

A year and a half on Manda'yaim and his son had grown immensely. Not that his personality or appearance had changed much, besides getting a little taller and getting his hair cut short. Rather than the shy and uncertain child he had been when they met he was growing into a confident and capable boy who seemed more in tune with his own inner power. A year ago one of the leaders of the allied Clans in their House offered to train his son in some of the force arts she'd learned from her life before becoming Mando'ad. Jango wasn't all that surprised by how quickly his son absorbed the new lessons and implemented them into his training. He already knew his son was a genius. His boy's only real issues seemed to be his insatiable curiosity, boundless energy, and a need to be doing something at all times, unless he was asleep. Thankfully there was always someone around to keep his hyperactive kid busy and engaged. Some days they had him fixing damaged speeders, other days it was broken droids, and on the rare occasion he even helped fix a ship or two. They'd teach him new skills and useful tricks for the field. They'd take him exploring in the fields or hunting in the forest. They even told him stories about those who had marched onward. Each day Anakin grew more fluent in Mando'a and more knowledgeable about their culture, their way of life. He began to blend almost seamlessly with the other kids of the House, only differentiated by virtue of being Jango's son. The younger kids flocked to the boy, wanting to hear his stories or asking him to fix their toys, knowing the blonde boy would indulge them with patience and kindness. The older kids quickly learned to respect Anakin's strength and intelligence, often bringing him problems they couldn't solve alone and didn't want their parents to know about. If anyone had any lingering doubts that Anakin was the rightful heir to the House or the title of Mand'alor they had long since given up voicing them. Now it was a waiting game. Ducking the swing of a beskad he brought his own up into a defensive position and waited to see what else Wad'e wanted to try against him. The man's eyes glinted with amusement as Anakin cheered them both on from the sidelines, cleaning his own sword carefully even as his eyes followed the two warriors without fail. When Jango had first contacted Wad'e and asked for his help the man had agreed to train his son for six months. "So the kid knows enough to not skewer himself at least." But after all this time the man had yet to leave. In fact he'd only gotten more invested in Anakin's training. To the point where he'd demanded Jango learn alongside his son so the boy would have other opponents to train against. Over time more clans and unaffiliated Mando'ade slowly began to trickle in, swearing fealty to House Mereel. Every time a new clan showed up at the compound Jango had to wonder about the state of the system if so many where fleeing their homes in order to join him. Jango did his best to meet secretly with the clans that were in areas heavily influenced by Vizla or Kryze, wary of the possibility of betrayal. After all Jaster had lost his life when Montross betrayed him and left him to die on the battlefield. He didn't want to believe it of the Mando'ade but he had a child to keep safe, he wouldn't be taking any chances. A lot of the clans from farther out sent representatives to try and feel him out. They seemed to be under the impression that he was a lot more aggressive in his demand for clans to join his cause, which couldn't be farther from the truth. While he wanted to amass enough power to pose a threat to Vizla and Kryze he didn't want to be a tyrannical dictator. Part of being Mando'ad was having the choice to live your life freely. He wouldn't force anyone to stay under his command if they didn't want to be there. Even if he was determined to wrest control of the system back from the two false leaders he knew it was not for him to accomplish. Anakin would be the future Mand'alor of a united system. Jango was just building his power base until his son was old enough. Surprisingly his son helped ease his path during some of the negotiations with a few clans who were under the thumb of the New Mandalorians. The boy had walked right into a meeting he was having with a group of representatives, not even looking up from is datapad and allowing the Ka'ra to guide him. His short hair was swept back and there was a smear of grease across his nose. The newly fitted durasteel armor he wore was already dented and scratched from his practice with Wad'e. Looking up when he finally sensed the others in the room he flushed slightly before giving the group a bright smile. He welcomed the representatives to their home and introduced himself politely in flawless Mando'a. Jango had been so proud of him in that moment. The representatives smiled back at the boy as Anakin turned to his father and asked for his assistance when he was finished. Then he excused himself, giving the group a polite blessing before leaving the room. "That was your child?" One of the group asked with clear disbelief. "Anakin, I adopted him three years ago. He's the best thing that ever happened to me." Where before there had been hesitance and resistance there was now excitement and acceptance. The representatives couldn't help but bring up their own children, sharing holos and laughing about the ridiculous things the kids got up to when no one was looking. "An'ika likes to take things apart to see how they work. He doesn't always know how to put them back together again afterward though." The disgruntled look on his face made the group laugh and Jango knew they'd finally relaxed completely in his presence. "I think we were wrong about you, Fett. It's very obvious you love your child. I can't see you diving straight into a major conflict while he's still so young." Jango frowned, surprise warring with confusion. "You have no idea what we're talking about, do you?" They brought out a datapad and streamed a saved video. It was the security footage from when he had taken out K'tharsin and his slave operation. From the outside it looked cold and calculated, which it was. The fact that the security had picked up his comment at the end made his face feel hot with embarrassment. He wasn't usually one to make bold statements aloud, letting his work speak for itself. "They said that this was revenge but no one ever said what for." There were questioning looks, clearly tinged with suspicion. Jango scowled. They needed more clans on their side. He couldn't hide and say it was a 'contract.' They needed to know how far he would go for his son. How far he would go for his clan and house. "They kidnapped my son and were going to sell him back into slavery. On top of running a slave operation for children." There was a collective gasp and an almost low buzz of anger in the room. Even those with New Mandalorian leanings knew how precious children were. No matter how much Kryze tried to stamp out their culture some things would be eternal. The importance of family was one of them. "Back into... you adopted him three years ago, hm?" Jango bristled as they put two and two together. It was not his place to speak about Anakin's experience as a slave. He gave them a single firm nod. The group leaders looked at one another and after what felt like an eternity of silence later they pledged their support to his cause. "One of your people forwarded us Jaster Mereel's Supercommando Codex. We'd never been allowed to read it before and a few of us didn't even know it existed. While we do not wish to be warriors we agree that the Codex is more fair and honorable than we had been led to believe." That had to be the fault of Kryze. Vizla would just tell everyone that the Codex made them weak and punish anyone who adhered to it. While Kryze was burying and destroying any texts that disagreed with her views on a peaceful Mandalore. "I..." He swallowed. "Before I joined Clan Mereel my family were farmers." It was something he almost never spoke about, but the absolute silence that followed his words and the surprised looks on their faces was worth it. "Being a non-combatant and a True Mandalorian are not mutually exclusive. We accept those who do not wish to fight but want to contribute to our community in other ways." It was this comment, in the end, that settled them firmly in the allies category. Once the representatives had taken their leave Jango was on his way to find his son when a call came through. "Fett." "Jango." He frowned at the slight wavering in Roz's voice. "What's wrong Roz? What happened?" He stopped in the hall, staring down at the communicator. "Fett. Long time no see." Jango felt his breath hitch in his lungs. He knew that voice. "Montross." He growled. "It's time to finish what I started on Korda VI." A message came through from Roz's station- a set of coordinates. "Come alone. I'll be waiting."

[cinemavariety]

Cinema Variety’s Top Favorite Films of 2019

To quote Principal Duvall from the 2004 teen comedy classic Mean Girls: “I just wanted to say that you’re all winners, and that I couldn’t be happier the year is ending” 2019 was both a super difficult year personally, but even more so, I feel as if it was one of the weakest years for cinema in recent memory. Thankfully the last few months of the year have made up for it with a surplus of absolutely incredible cinematic experiences, many of which are reflected in this year’s rankings. I present to you my favorite films of 2019. Check out my rankings from previous years by checking out the links below:

Top Picks of 2018 List Top Picks of 2017 List Top Picks of 2016 List Top Picks of 2015 List Top Picks of 2014 List Top Picks of 2013 List

Honorable Mentions: Midsommar Uncut Gems Parasite 3 From Hell The Death and Life of John F. Donavan **THIS LIST IS IN ORDER AND CONTAINS SOME MILD SPOILERS**

#16 - Ready or Not Directed by Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett

Ready or Not looked entertaining enough from the trailers, but it certainly wasn’t anything I was dying to go see. Especially in a movie theatre. However my brother convinced me to go with him and it ended up being one of the most consistently fun and entertaining theatrical experiences of 2019.

There were a lot of similar plot elements to the brilliant 2013 horror film - You’re Next (which by the way is one of my favorites). The plot is about a young girl, who grew up an orphan, marrying into an insanely wealthy family. The family has a tradition of playing a game on the wedding night, and she ends up choosing a game of hide and seek. Unbeknownst to the bride, the family is actually planning to hunt her down and murder her in order to perform some type of satanic ritual.     

Horror comedies only work for me about half the time, but his film has enough graphic violence and intense situations to counterbalance all of the humor throughout. They complemented each other well and the result was a super funny and super bloody cat and mouse hunt of social classes.

#15 - Doctor Sleep Directed by Mike Flanagan

Helming the sequel to The Shining is no easy undertaking whatsoever. Kubrick’s arthouse horror masterpiece will forever remain not only one of my favorite of his films, but also as one of my favorite genre pieces in general. I was immediately relieved when I discovered that Mike Flanagan signed on to direct the adaptation of Stephen King’s sequel - Doctor Sleep.

I already knew beforehand that Doctor Sleep was more of a fantasy story than a direct horror, and also wasn’t one of the most popular of King’s works. The film ended up being a pretty epic fantasy thriller. Flanagan excels in creating his own universe while also honoring the source material, as well as paying homage to Kubrick’s film. However, it shines more when it does its own thing instead of trying to be nostalgia porn.

Most of the film worked for me, some of it didn’t. The recasting of Jack Torrance’s character left a slightly sour taste in my mouth. Ewan McGregor does a great job as the recovering Danny but it is really Rebecca Ferguson who steals the show with her villain character Rose the Hat.

Doctor Sleep proves that Flanagan has become one of the most consistent horror directors working in the industry. There’s always a pulse to be discovered in the foundations of his storytelling.

#14 - High Life Directed by Claire Denis

Claire Denis, one of the most polarizing French auteurs, debuted her first English language film in 2019 with High Life. I had the pleasure of seeing the film on a big screen, and even though I felt a little underwhelmed as an initial reaction to the finale, the film seemed to linger in my subconscious like a haunting unresolved dream. It held up even better on a re-watch, which you can view for free if you have Amazon Prime.

It’s definitely unlike any space film that I have ever seen. The premise surrounds a group of prisoners on death row who are sent to the farthest depths of space on a doomed voyage. All of the occupants are corralled by Juliette Binoche’s character, who plays some type of mad space scientist, is obsessed with collecting their semen in order to create new life in the abyss of the cosmos.

High Life is a slow burn, often minimalist film, which relies more heavily on atmosphere/score/visuals than it does on dialogue or forced plot elements. It’s bewilderingly nihilistic in how it depicts human behavior gone horribly awry. Robert Pattinson gives an understated performance and seems to provide the only glimmer of what seems to be hope by the end of the film.

#13 - Too Old to Die Young Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn

Too Old To Die Young finds the celebrated auteur, Nicolas Winding Refn, sharing his view of humanity and society at its most despicable. Hate seems to seep out of the cracks of every neon-soaked frame in the limited series. Amazon gave Refn free reigns in creating his phantasmagoria.

All of his usual motifs and creative decisions are employed in full force with Too Old To Die Young, sometimes to an almost unbearable degree unless you are a truth Refn aficionado. His long takes, infinitesimal silences between lines, neon lighting, synth score and characters belonging to a criminal underworld are all utilized to great affect within the series.

I won’t lie, I found it to be some of Refn’s most challenging work to date. There are so many aspects to be found within this series that went over my head, it is art that demands a re-watch. And while I believe that Refn’s sensibilities are best conveyed through a film medium, the limited series allows Refn to explore what he wants to convey like an artist adding layer upon layer of colors onto a blank palette.

#12 - Age Out Directed by A.J. Edwards

A.J. Edwards returned in 2019 with his sophomore directorial effort - Age Out (originally titled Friday’s Child). Edwards has served as one of many creatives who worked on the editing team of Terrence Malick’s films in the last decade. Malick’s influence on the director is quite noticeable. Edwards directed his first film in 2014, The Better Angels, which was a decent debut. Whereas The Better Angels oftentimes felt too close of a mimicry of Malick’s style, Age Out utilizes certain aspects of the style while also allowing Edwards to have his own authorial voice.

The film centers around a young man named Richie as he is about to “age out” of the foster care facility in which he was raised - a frightening reality for countless youth in America and around the world. Richie is left to navigate the difficulties of the adult world at a mere eighteen years old, without any family or parental figures to help him along the way. He makes friends with a seedy townie who revels in delinquency and causing ruckus. Also, there is a romantic subplot between Richie and a girl named Joan, portrayed tenderly by Imogen Poots. This relationship seems to be the only saving grace in Richie’s life. However, a turn of events soon reveal that Richie’s traumatic past has gotten the better of him and threatens to doom his entire future.

Edwards shoots the film in a boxed style with a 1.33 : 1 aspect ratio. This aids with the sense of claustrophobia and paranoia that invades Richie’s life. As aforementioned, many of Malick’s motifs are used here: a floating steadicam guiding the audience along, hushed dialogue, montages with classical music, and even some voice overs. However, this aesthetic isn’t heavy handed in any way. In fact, it’s a joy to see directors whose work can almost go into the Malick canon as the auteur has had such an influence on a lot of young, upcoming directors. Age Out is both a coming of age story and a cry of warning for unhealed trauma.

#11 - An Elephant Sitting Still Directed by Hu Bo

An Elephant Sitting Still now holds the spot as the longest running film that I have ever seen. It sits in at just under four hours, and it completely delivers without ever feeling like it drags on unnecessarily. The film technically premiered in 2018 and is considered a 2018 film among critic circles. However, the epic didn’t get a widespread distribution in the U.S. until this year, so I am overlooking this discrepancy. The film was marked with somewhat of a controversy after the director Hu Bo took his own life right after post production was completed. Hu Bo is an author turned director and An Elephant Sitting Still marks his first foray into cinema. It’s one of the best directorial debuts I have ever seen.

The film centers around four different characters during the span of a single day. All of these characters are marked with some sort of tragedy, and many of their stories intertwine in a synchronistic fashion. It reminded me of other masterpieces such an Inarittu’s Amores Perros or Paul Thomas Anderson’s Magnolia. The film takes place in the industrial regions of Northern China, and the barren landscapes reflect an inner emptiness that emanates from all the characters.

There is a hollowness to these people as they navigate through life. An Elephant Sitting Still is nothing short of nihilistic. It’s an angry, desperate and hauntingly beautiful cry of pain from a director who was most certainly haunted by his own inner demons. It manages to be both an odyssey of human cruelty and a swan song from a young man who didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

#10 - Joker Directed by Todd Phillips

“It’s getting crazier out there, isn’t it?” These are some of the first lines to be uttered in Todd Philip’s pitch-black satire on society. These lines are what best exemplify the themes that Philip’s was pushing: our society is profoundly sick, everything seems to be getting worse, we have no saviors in sight and hope isn’t always on the horizon. Just from these first utterances, it is clear that Philips is taking all of the political and socioeconomic turmoil of the last four years and has created a problem child that is Joker.

Joaquin Phoenix turns in one of his most disturbed and flawless performances yet - which is no surprise. However, I have yet to see him embody a character so genuinely as he did in The Master. But this isn’t Paul Thomas Anderson, this is Todd Phillips. And the fact that the comedy director even created this piece of art is something that still has me scratching my head. Subtlety is never at play in the film, and there are quite a few plot points that are a little too on-the-nose, even for me. However, all of the other elements redeem it and make this one of the best films of the year. The cinematography is pleasing for the eyes, and the menacing cello scores echoes an existential loneliness that I felt permeate my very being.

The last thirty minutes are exactly what I was hoping from this film. It’s a breath of fresh air to see Hollywood actually stick to creating a nihilistic film that doesn’t once try to water itself down.

#9 - Luce Directed by Julius Onah

Director Julius Onah decided to really step up his game with his latest film Luce. After the dumpster fire that was The Cloverfield Paradox (seriously, thanks for completely ruining what was becoming a dope anthology franchise), Onah has proven that he can be a master of his craft with the proper source material. In regards to the story being told, every element of the film works to its advantage: editing, performances, direction, and most importantly - the screenplay. It’s one of most well written screenplays I have come across in 2019. I immediately could tell from the dialogue that this movie must have been adapted from a stage play, and sure enough upon searching, I found out it was. Not all stage adaptations work, in fact I’d say more than half don’t end up being too effective, but this one stuck its landing and then more.

The story revolves around an overly concerned teacher who contacts Luce’s parents after he writes a paper that comes off as threatening. The paper in question seemed to hold a sentiment in which violence was called for in order to overcome colonialism. It’s important to note that Luce was a child soldier in his native country before being adopted by his parents - played by Naomi Watts and Tim Roth who both gave stunning performances. The rest of the story is an investigation into who their son actually is, which eventually results in moral debates regarding race and identity.

Luce is also a film that effectively helps the audience empathize with the main character, while at the same time questioning whether his intentions are genuine, or a coy to hide something much darker. The truth isn’t always black and white, and this was my biggest takeaway from the movie.

#8 - Monos Directed by Alejandro Landes

Monos felt like a hybrid of elements inspired from great works such as Lord of the Flies, Aguirre: The Wrath of God and Apocalypse Now. This is only the third film to be directed by Alejandro Landes, however it looks and feels as if it was created by a seasoned veteran of the industry.

A group of children guerilla soldiers hold base on a mountaintop where they keep a hostage, watch over a prized cow, and act as a defensive force against an unbeknownst group of enemies. There is little to no exposition in the film. Landes drops the audience off right in the middle of the chaos.

We aren’t exactly sure what these children are risking their lives to fight for, or why they are doing it, but it goes to show the conditions in which they were raised for them to find normalcy in the violent lifestyle of a guerilla soldier. The landscapes are absolutely gorgeous, and there are even a few scenes where I questioned how they accomplished such shots/stunts with a low budget.

#7 - The Beach Bum Directed by Harmony Korine

The Beach Bum might not be the best film that Harmony Korine has directed (it’s certainly no Spring Breakers), but it is easily the most fun. It’s been almost seven long years since Korine’s last project, and I had been waiting in eager anticipation to see what he would do next. He was originally going to do a gangster crime drama called The Trap, which is what I was really hoping from Korine, but that fell through and he ended up making one of the best stoner comedies I have ever had the pleasure of watching.

The Beach Bum is probably Korine’s most accessible and audience-friendly film he’s ever done. I say that lightly though, because it still remains just as highly divisive as his other work. The plot is loose. It follows the misadventures and antics of Moondog, a washed up poet and complete burnout. He is soon sent to rehab for all of his illegal activities, in which he breaks out with the help of Zac Efron’s character, who might have just been my favorite character of the film. Korine seems to have a consistently solid knack to create dirty, seedy and absolutely enthralling characters.

I am really happy that he decided to keep a very similar visual aesthetic to his previous masterpiece, Spring Breakers. Benoit Debie, who is the king of neon lighting and discombobulating camerawork, does a masterful job at creating the textured and visual world of The Beach Bum. Hell, it’s probably one of the main reasons why I decided to see it twice on the big screen.

I’m not the biggest fan of comedies, mostly because I have a very bizarre sense of humor and find most of them to be completely hollow. But Korine’s darkly nihilistic sense of humor suits my sensibilities perfectly and I found myself laughing out loud at various points throughout The Beach Bum. It’s a fun, and even slightly endearing film at certain points thanks to the presence of Isla Fisher’s character as the wife. I look forward to whatever Korine decides to do next. At this point, who knows where he will decide to go with his career. I just hope I don’t have to wait another five plus years to see more of his work.

#6 - A Hidden Life Directed by Terrence Malick

Malick isn’t “back” - he never left. A Hidden Life isn’t a “return to form”. His form has always been there, it’s been evolving since The Tree of Life. In fact, the structure and flow of this film is extremely reminiscent of his past three films.

How far are you willing to walk the path of righteousness, even when the path is marred with pain and unanswered sufferings? How long are you able to cling to your faith when it feels like all hope is lost? How do you fight for what is good, when everyone around you is telling you to submit to forces of absolute evil? These are some of just many questions explored in Terrence Malick’s newest tour de force. As with many of Malick’s recent work, these aren’t questions that are necessarily outright answered during the film. They are instead questions of morality meant to be repeated throughout the story, almost like a mantra or an ode to pure faith.

A Hidden Life is Malick’s first return to chronological and narrative-driven filmmaking since The New World. It has garnered praise almost universally among critics, and is regarded as his best film in ten years since The Tree of Life. While I am in the few who don’t exactly agree that this is Malick’s best film in a decade, I might even dare say that it is among my least favorites of Malick’s recent output, I am still not denying the sublime mastery instilled in every single shot of this film.

A Hidden Life tells the noble true story of Franz Jagerstatter, an Austrian conscientious objector, who refuses to fight for the Nazis in World War II due to his religious beliefs and is eventually executed for it. He is decades later deemed a martyr by the Church - all the more telling as to why Malick decided to tackle this story. The heart of this story is told through letters that Franz and his wife Fani exchange throughout his period spent as a political prisoner. Fani seems to be one of the only people in Franz’s life who sticks by his side. No matter how soul crushing Franz’s decision is for Fani, she understands him well enough to know that death is a better option than spoiling your soul and humanity. “Better to suffer injustices than to do it,” as one character painfully states in the film. And while I wasn’t as emotionally wrecked as I thought I would be by this film, I instead feel inspired by Franz’s commitment to his innate goodness. The back and forth perspectives of Franz and Fani are well executed -  we as an audience get reprieves from the dreary confines of a prison cell to the majestic grandeur of the Austrian mountainside. The mountains and surrounding nature are characters within themselves. Near the finale, as Franz is face to face with his mortality, his mind wanders back to riding his motorcycle through the village on a sunny day as the mountains loom in the background. These are the final desires of a doomed man, something as simple as having the freedom to go outside and feel the grass beneath his feet - to experience the wonders of nature that most people don’t think twice about.

As mentioned earlier, it is far from my favorite of Malick’s oeuvre, and is not without its slight misgivings. It was stated that this was Malick’s return to “narratively focused” filmmaking. But he still utilized his signature elliptical style, and for me these moods oftentimes clashed and kept me at a distance emotionally. I rarely say this with a Malick film, but more of a reliance on dialogue would have worked wonders for me. There are quite a few sequences in which Malick opted for montage instead of a more fleshed out scene, which I believe would have further added to the power of the story.

These are all slight issues, and I myself might be a harsher critic than most simply because I hold Malick to such a high standard. Once you can give yourself to the film, A Hidden Life becomes a true zen experience. It managed to instill a sense of serene presence within myself. I felt very grateful for the most basic and common details of my life and this world. Malick’s work can be such a sensorial rush, and making even mundane objects and rooms look absolutely gorgeous, that it’s as if “everything is shining” in my own life after seeing the film. I look forward to returning to The Church of Malick very soon.

#5 - Ad Astra Directed by James Gray

Ad Astra got a lot of unwarranted hate this year in my opinion. It truly is a shame because I believe that James Gray has struck gold once again. While I don’t adore it to the same degree as I did Gray’s previous feature, The Lost City of Z, Ad Astra succeeds in being one of the most understated space films made in the 21st century.

It’s not exactly a wholly original story, or a plot that is something that we haven’t seen before. It’s the way Gray goes about telling this story and exploring these themes that makes it so very special. It’s not forcing any overreaching philosophical or ethical message onto the viewer, it’s not overly complicated or overly long, and rather than trying to present completely senseless physical explanations to the audience, it just accepts the fiction aspect as “science fiction”.

Hoyte Van Hoytema is a brilliant Director of Photography and he crafts some of the most breathtaking space shots in recent memory. He really captures the breathtaking enormity of the cosmis abyss. The scenes that take place near Nepture during the finale are jaw dropping. We see two characters wrestling each other while suspended midair and the camera pulls out to reveal their absolutely terrifying ordeal while splashes of Neptune’s purple color emanates behind them. What I enjoyed most about the film is this sort of serene, zen atmosphere that Gray creates through the visuals, the score and Brad Pitt’s heartfelt but quietly somber voiceover.

Pitt portrays a lonely, broken and existentially conflicted astronaut. He finds the quiet infinitude of space to be a reprieve from the chaos of conflict happening down on Earth. He feels more at home among the stars than he does on the planet in which he was born. His perspective reminds me of the blue God from Watchmen, Doctor Manhattan, when he’s dwelling peacefully on Mars and laments his feelings toward Earth and all the people on it: “I am tired of Earth. These People. I am tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives.”

James Gray’s Ad Astra, much like his previous two films before this, detail the pains and tribulations of undaunted pioneers as they explore foreign territories. The final monologue of Pitt’s washed over me like a gentle breeze: “I will rely on those closest to me, and I will share their burders, as they share mine. I will live and love.”

#4 - Anima Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson

Interprative dance, experimental film, and visual albums are three of my absolutely favorite art forms. The real MVP of modern cinema, Paul Thomas Anderson, has collaborated with one of the real MVP’s of modern music, Thom Yorke, to create a fifteen minute long music video on the power of human connection.

Thom Yorke plays a sleepy commuter, a passive bystander, a human sheep, a functioning cog in some great machinery. He makes brief eye contact with a pretty woman on the train, and notices that she leaves behind a briefcase. The rest of the short details his efforts as he dodges through obstacle after obstacle trying to find the woman and return the briefcase to her. I couldn’t believe my eyes as Anderson concocts the innermost desires of being seen, understood, and loved. The results are strokes of flashing light projections on concrete walls, bodies undulating as they separate and conjoin simultaneously, giddy humans running through fog, and lovers meeting in the union of hearts.

The final section, Dawn Chorus, is one of the most gentle and blissful experiences I have ever witnessed, let alone one in a film distributed by Netflix. Paul Thomas Anderson and Thom Yorke’s project had me understanding why I fell in love with this medium in the first place.

#3 - 1917 Directed by Sam Mendes

1917 takes the spot as my favorite war film of the decade. Personally, I found it to be one of the best war films ever made in general. What director Sam Mendes and DOP Roger Deakins have created is nothing short of a miracle. It’s the first “single take” war film to ever be made, mainly because this is a feat that is far from easy to pull off. Mendes and Deakins shot the movie in extreme long takes, and spliced them all together to make the whole movie come off as a seamless single take. These tracking shots never leave the side of the characters, we are in their footsteps on the journey the entire time.

1917 has a pretty simple premise: two young British soldiers are given a near impossible mission to cross enemy territory and deliver a message that will stop a deadly attack on over 1,500 soldiers - one of them being the brother of one of the two soldiers sent on the mission. The familial aspect contributes added emotional gravitas to the plot overall.

1917 is more of an experiential war film than it is a action or battle focused war film. It’s best to be seen in an IMAX because the sound design and the invasive tracking shots make you feel as if you are walking along these two soldiers as they face grave perils on their quest to deliver the message. I very much so enjoyed that they kept the plot small and intimate, without resorting to constant firepower to keep the audience engaged. That isn’t too say that the movie doesn’t have more than enough of its fair share of nail biting action sequences, and also plenty of gruesome shots depicting the carnage that World War I brought. These soldiers have to army crawl over rotting corpses, while rats and crows are seen pecking and chewing through the remains. The filmmaker doesn’t turn a blind eye to the horrors that war produced. To me, this is one of many reasons why I believe 1917 is superior to other popular recent war films such as Dunkirk. I don’t want my war films to be sanitized. War needs to be portrayed as it truly is - acts of complete inhumanity.

Dare I say that 1917 is Come and See for the 21st century. While Come and See is most definitely the superior film, there were echoes of the classic Soviet Union masterpiece that ring throughout 1917. Maybe it’s the expertly crafted tracking shots, maybe it’s the maddening use of sound design/editing, or maybe it’s the shell shocked expression that is engraved on one of the main characters faces near the finale.

1917 does an amazing job of being very loud, but also utilizing silence in certain scenes to great affect. The juxtaposition is most expertly crafted during one scene that involved flares popping off in the sky, lighting up the ruins of a city, as one the characters runs away from enemy fire. It’s an absolutely exhilarating scene. I ended up bawling by the end of the movie, mostly just because of all the pent up anxiety and distress I felt throughout. You don’t see many films that take place during World War I anymore. But 1917 shows it is not a time period to be forgotten about.

#2 - The Lighthouse Directed by Robert Eggers

I had been eagerly anticipating Robert Eggers’s follow-up film after he released The VVitch back in 2016. At first it was reported that he was going to be doing an adaptation of Nosferatu, which I still think would be a great story for Egger’s to adapt, especially after witnessing what he instead decided to make - The Lighthouse.

Shot gorgeously in black & white on gritty 16mm celluloid, the film looks like it comes from a completely different era (the dialogue as well). There were many shots that had a similar look to some of Bergman’s early work on the Faroe islands.

The Lighthouse has a fairly simple plot. Robert Pattinson plays Winslow who goes to work for a seasoned lighthouse keeper named Thomas who is played by Willem Dafoe. Winslow is new to being a wickie and Thomas takes him under his wing to show him the ropes. Thomas orders him about incessantly in a brute and abusive manner.

There is a minimalism to the plot, however all of the other elements are done so perfectly that the daily grueling routines of these wickies becomes nothing short of hypnotizing. The sound design and score ratchets up the harsh conditions of the island. Wind sounds like its constantly shrieking outside - a reminder of the unease that seems to be building to an overflow. The dialogue, diction, and accents are all completely authentic to the time period and setting that the story is taking place in. Eggers commitment is second to none when it come to detail and authenticity with aspects such as the character’s accents and inflections. A real case of cabin fever befalls the two men who both seem to become obsessed with the mystical light that emanates at the top of the light house.

While I really enjoyed The VVItch, I absolutely adored The Lighthouse and find it to be a much stronger work from Eggers. I think what I vibed with most about it is that the movie doesn’t feel the need to be confined to one particular genre. Whereas The VVitch was literally about a witch bringing misery to a Puritan family, it was constricted to be somewhat of a horror film. However, The Lighthouse manages to be many different tones: a fever dream surrealist film, an arthouse horror, a slapstick comedy, and a nautical retelling of many ancient sea myths. And all of these different tones worked together and bounced off each other in perfect harmony.

I found myself both laughing and completely repulsed by the images I was seeing - especially within the last act of the film which succeeded in shaking me up and making me feel both bewildered and slightly nauseated. It ends up being a gritty, dirty, and uncompromising journey into total psychosis. By the conclusion of the film, the audience comes to the same realization as the two characters - there really was enchantment in the light after all.

#1 - Waves Directed by Trey Edward Shults

Waves is an operatic cry for people to be better to one another. It is by far my favorite film of the year, and I truly believe it to be one of the finest films ever made. It earned itself a well deserved spot in my Top 25 Favorite Films of the Decade.

Trey Edward Shults started out his cinematic career on a strong note with Krisha. He delivered once again with his sophomore debut - It Comes at Night (even if I do find it to be easily the weakest of out the three he has directed). But for me, Waves is where Shults really experiments with his style to such a fine tuned degree that we find the director not calming down his vision or becoming more “grounded”, instead he expands upon his prowess with one of the most powerful family dramas I’ve ever seen.

Shults is another director who made my list this year who is somewhat of a protege of Terrence Malick. Shults worked as an intern for Malick on both The Tree of Life and Voyage of Time. It is quite clear the influence that Malick has on Shult’s vision. But Shults, even more-so than Edwards who also made my list this year, has taken Malick’s inspiration and created something wholly his own.

Shults has created an experiential rollercoaster of actions, consequences and the toxic fallout than can come from such actions. Waves is essentially two films in one. The first half is the energetic, chaotic and traumatic first half in its depiction of toxic masculinity taken too far, to the eventual accident that changes all of the characters lives. The camera is constantly floating in this portion, or shall I even say flying through the air and around the characters. The camera has no limits in what it can do and that along with the editing, and most noticeably the insanely perfect soundtrack/score, this portion ends up feeling like one prolonged anxiety attack.

The second half of the film switches character POVs masterfully. There’s a psychedelic shift of perspective from the brother’s eyes covered in flashing lights from the back of a police car to his little sister’s eyes in the back of their parent’s car (you have to have seen the film to completely understand what I am referring to of course). This second half of the film is where the camera slows down a little. This portion is more character focused and less interested in being flashy through its aesthetic. We get more dialogue, more character details, and a lot more tears in this half. It’s like a long cathartic release after experiencing an hour of trauma and abuse. It succeeds in tearing you apart, to only slowly piece you back together.

As mentioned previously, Shults’s soundtrack decisions were the cherry on top for me. Tame Impala, Animal Collective & Tyler the Creator are three of my favorite artists and their music is utilized perfectly within the story. What made this film so special to me, other than the fact it all takes place in the state in which I grew up in, was that no other film has better reminded me of my own humanity in years. This film makes me want to be a better brother, a better friend, a better son, and a better person in general. You never know when a single moment can shatter your entire world. In the end, it left me with a strong message that struck me to my core: appreciate what you have in life, and tread carefully.

[coll2mitts]

#65 Beauty and the Beast (2017)

I’m burning through my Disney+ subscription, and instead of this forever cursing my drafts section until I work my way through the other lower movies on this list, you’re getting this one now.

Beauty and the Beast was my favorite Disney movie as a child.  Belle was smart, she read a lot, and she was a bit of an outcast, which were my only identifiers as a wee lass (other than being obnoxious and constantly having tangled hair).  I'm going to bet that this movie is the reason so many girls my age went through a Paris phase in their tween years.  I did take 3 years of high school French that I have almost no memory of.  

The original's animation is gorgeous, the songs by Alan Menken and Howard Ashman are iconic, and the romance between two people who learn how to trust and support each other... it's probably the reason why I've stayed in terrible relationships for way too long.  My father took me to see this movie in theaters when I was 6, and it is the first movie I remember crying during out of sadness.  There I was, while the Beast was dying, trying to hide the fact tears were streaming down my face because I didn't want my dad to see I was crying and not take me to see another movie again.  When they adapted it for Broadway, I listened to that soundtrack over and over...  "Home" was my favorite song, and the end still makes me cry like a 6-year-old.  It's perfect.

I had attempted to watch this remake once before.  I hated it so much I started drinking, and then peaced out so hard when Lumiere started moving that I had to watch Moana to normalize myself.  Visually, this movie is what happens when the Uncanny Valley turns into the fucking Grand Canyon.  Little did I know that this movie gets worse... much worse... as it goes on, and that Stephen Chbosky, the author and director of The Perks of Being a Wallflower made it this way.  A man who wrote one of my most beloved novels and movie adaptations helped in creating this narrative monstrosity, and that, out of all of this, was the deepest cut of all.

I'm not rehashing the plot, because I have too much to say about why this remake shouldn't exist, and I’m going to guess you’ve either seen the movie or are familiar with this almost 300-year-old story.  It took the source material and just murdered it in its attempts to update it.  I'm going to start positive and work toward the biggest issue I had with it, because I'm currently writing angry and that never turns out well for me.

Things I liked:

This may be controversial, but I did like Josh Gad's performance as LeFou.  I'm not saying what LeFou did made any sense (he suddenly was upset Gaston was making things up again?), but as an actor, Josh Gad was working with what he had, and I think he owned it.

Chip's introduction to Maurice - I actually paused the movie because I was laughing so hard.

The piano playing the funeral march when it tackled LeFou.

When Mrs. Potts said Chip smelled good when he turned back into a little boy.  It was a cute little detail.

The guillotine joke in "Be Our Guest" and the Les Miserables barricade reference.

I actually thought Cogsworth was adorable for being a CGI nightmare.  I don't know how much of my opinion of this was influenced by the voice of Ian McKellan.

I really liked the costumes, except for Belle's gown, which was definitely a downgrade.  Micarah articulated the issues with it perfectly.

Celine Dion singing the credits song was a nice homage to her cover of "Beauty and the Beast", although it sucks she's associated with this nightmare of a remake.

Little quibbles:

Whatever they did to Emma Watson’s voice made her sound like a robot.

Almost all the CGI, especially the Beast, was completely unsettling.  The wardrobe was the worst of it, holy shit.

They went out of their way to explain plot holes like "Why don't the villagers remember the castle?" or “Why is it snowing when it looks like the middle of summer in the village?” or "How did Belle get the Beast up on that horse?" when none of that really matters to the overall narrative.

The reaction to Belle teaching a little girl how to read was unbelievably eye-roll inducing.  Lindsay Ellis' video on this is so fucking good, watch it now - You don't have to read the rest of my ramblings if you do. #beastforshe

Ariana Grande slurring her way through "Beauty and the Beast".

It was nice to see Maurice updated from a manic inventor to a level-headed, sweet, competent, reserved man who treats his daughter like an equal.  Clock-maker Maurice that actually takes care of Belle reads better to me, and I like how they had him wander into the garden to get a rose for her - it's a nice callback to the original story.  The problem with doing this, however, is it negates the "crazy old Maurice" narrative that plays heavily into why the villagers don't believe his tale of the Beast in the first place.  If Kevin Kline, a put-together man (up until this point), wandered into the tavern looking disheveled and conveying a story about his daughter being kidnapped, I'd be like, "Shit, Maurice, what did you see?!".  But instead, the story goes out of its way to put him at the mercy of Gaston, and shoehorn in an attempted murder plot to really turn everyone against him - it's bizarre.

Medium quibbles:

Gaston went from being a well-liked, athletically inclined dude to a literal predator and murderer.  Belle was a beautiful status symbol in the original movie, but she becomes literal game to Gaston in the remake, as he refers to her as prey, or something to be hunted.  When Maurice gets in-between him and Belle, Gaston punches him in the face and leaves him out in the forest to be eaten by wolves?!  What does this add to the story?!  Gaston wasn't right for Belle because he wasn't kind and didn't intellectually stimulate her, but that nuance is wasted on the remake, turning him into a full-blown vengeful villain that will literally kill Belle's family to get what he wants.

The first time Belle is brought to her room, there is this long panning shot showing off how nice it is, and she comments, in wonder, how she thinks its beautiful.  They had the fucking nerve to play “Home” in the background of this scene, completely ignoring the original context of the song is sadness and despair.  But go off, I guess...

The Big Enchilada:

This is where my notes went from eh????? to WHAT THE FUCK, so be prepared.  How someone with enough emotional maturity to write Perks can make the Beast into such an abusive asshole is so fucking beyond me, I'm still trying to process it.

Beauty and the Beast��is a romance at heart, which you would never know by watching this movie, as Belle and the Beast have so little chemistry it's painful.  This might be because the Beast is abusive to Belle at every turn in the beginning, making the pivot from enemies to lovers so completely unbelievable it's shocking.  The remake is already at a deficit as the CGI Beast is terrifying, in contrast with the cartoon, which has the ability to make the Beast cuddly with big eyes and an expressive face.  But they still decide to take all of the Beast's inner conflict out of the remake, remove his agency completely out of the relationship with Belle, and make him supremely unlikable in every interaction they have together.

There are a few scenes that illustrate this, starting with the dinner invitation scene:

In the original, the Beast sees the pain he's inflicted by pulling Belle away from her father, and offers her a tour of the castle and a bedroom instead of a prison cell.  He also invites her to dine with him, although he could have gone about it wayyyy better.  He confides in his staff that she is beautiful, and he realizes she can break the spell, but he doesn't know how to appeal to her.  His staff give him tips on how to be charming and not so intimidating.  He is receptive, but overwhelmed, because he hasn't had to interact with any other human in years.  When he discovers she doesn't plan on eating with him, his anger takes over because she refused his hospitality, and he's a king, so how dare she?  The staff try to help him appear genteel, cause again, HE expressed interest in being appealing to her.  When this doesn't immediately work, he throws a massive tantrum and tells them not to feed her.  When he looks at Belle later in the mirror, he hears the direct result of his actions as Belle is ranting to the wardrobe.  He laments she'll never see him as a human because his actions have pushed her away.

In the remake, it's not the Beast’s idea to give Belle a room, or to invite her to dinner - it is his staff's intervening that puts him in that situation in the first place.  He doesn't even want to get to know her because she's a daughter of a thief, and that's somehow below his current social status of recluse animal/human hybrid.  His staff persuade him to give Belle a chance as they're all invested in breaking the spell because they'll turn into furniture if they don't!  They give him tips to manipulate her into opening the door, he tries it, it fails spectacularly, he gets angry and he leaves - but not before calling his staff idiots...  I appreciate he's not as physically violent in this version, but he just acts like he couldn’t be bothered with Belle.  He does spy on her from the mirror, but she looks bewildered.  He doesn't know if she's lonely, or missing her father, or what...  There's no indication that how he treated her in that moment has pushed her further away.  Then he just stares at the rose like, "Well, shit, this ticking time bomb is still ticking!".  It's completely self-focused.

Oh, and then Mrs. Potts tries to handwave the Beast’s behavior away with, "People say a lot of things in anger.  It is our choice whether or not to listen," which, excuse me, WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!  You are in charge of how to interpret someone's actions, and you could just choose to ignore when they are being abusive??  I CAN'T.  She also tries to gaslight Belle into seeing how great the Beast is when Belle has had zero positive interactions with the dude since she's been there.  The wardrobe brings it up in the original, but this is after he's offered Belle a room and invited her to dinner himself, not by his staff...

The west wing scene and the Beast turning into less of a dick:

In the original, the Beast himself tells Belle not to go to the west wing.  Her curiosity brings her there, because she wants to understand more about him and what he is hiding.  She's invading his space knowing full well that she is invading his space.  When she is discovered, she's about to fuck around with something that is literally tied with the Beast's livelihood.  His anger is disproportionate, but justified, and you see that he immediately regrets his reaction after she runs away from him.  That’s why he goes after her.  Belle watches him risk his life to save her even though she broke a promise to him, so she decides to repay the favor by bringing him back.  They fight while she's trying to clean his wound, and they're both right in their perspectives, but the Beast acknowledges that yes, his temper got the best of him - he realized that the moment she bolted.  Belle then rewards his selfless act by thanking him, which sets his entire transformation in motion.  

He gives her the library because he expresses interest in doing something to make her happy, and he vocalizes he's falling in love with her.  He's delighted by her reaction.  During the ballroom scene, the way he looks at her, you can see he absolutely adores her.  He asks, "Are you happy here with me?" because he loves her, and her well-being is the most important thing.

In the remake, the staff tell Belle not to got to the west wing because it's a storage area.  She wanders over there anyway, for whatever fucking reason, and takes a glance at the rose behind the glass.  The Beast finds her looking at it and gets mad at her, even though he never told her not to visit him in the west wing, and she didn't fuck around with the rose.  When she runs away, he doesn't even look like he cares.  There is no reason for him to go after her, and there is no reason for her to help him back to the castle other than the plot told them to do it.  She doesn't help him with his wounds, and the staff are the ones to thank her for returning him.  She even asks the staff why the fuck they care about him, because he's such an asshole.  They justify his behavior because he had a cruel father, and damn themselves to his fate because they didn't stop a literal monarch from raising his son.  Belle continues to take care of him because she pities him?  He repays her kindness by insulting her taste in literature.

He doesn't even show her the library because he knows she likes books, he does it because he wants her to read "better" books.  Then he makes one joke about not reading Greek and THAT IS WHAT MAKES BELLE SWOON.  THE FUCKING GREEK BOOK JOKE.  I mean, I sort of get it, I fell in love with my ex because he made a bread pun, but he hadn't been continually abusive to me up until that point.  Belle starts to read out loud to him, and that's supposed to be the event that incentives the Beast to be better?  Even while Belle is singing about how much he's changed (he hasn't), he throws a boulder of snow in her face. The cherry on top of this sundae is his stoic question after they dance, "It's foolish, I suppose, for a creature like me to hope that one day he might earn your affection?" which not only sounds like complement fishing, it is primarily motivated by breaking the curse!  Only after she gives an indifferent answer does he ask if she'd be happy at the castle.

Oh god, and the death scene is cut off in the middle because we have to watch 2 minutes of the staff members permanently turning into furniture, which, like, I wouldn't think they'd want to castrate the emotional climax of the movie, but this whole thing is an exercise on how to fuck something already good up.

This movie fails so spectacularly at this basic love story, I can't begin to justify its existence.  I wouldn't recommend this to anybody.  If you want to watch new Alan Menkin content, watch Galavant, because this movie just pissed me off.

It was bold of Disney to end it with a beastiality joke, though.

[sometimesrosy]

To write in portuguese, or in english? That is the question. Let’s say, for me english is a language more suited to fantasy and to certain themes such as... sex (don’t ask me about this one, but english has a thousand terms for sexual organs and portuguese is like... 3). Portuguese is a beautiful language and I do like writing in it (it’s my mother tongue so I have much more vocab) but I always hesite with the language. I guess it’s just another way to not start writing.

To have the ability to CHOOSE which language to write in is fantastic! I can’t imagine. Or I CAN imagine and am rather disgruntled that the racism my father faced in the 50s and 60s made him think that in order to assimilate into American culture, he had to deny us, his children, the ability to speak spanish. Oh. So I’m JEALOUS that you can speak more than one language fluently enough to be able write in it. I just don’t have the facility with language to have picked it up after childhood. 

In fact, I often describe my spanish as “grandma spanish.” I speak naturally the way my grandma spoke to me as a little girl. So mostly “quitate,” “esperate,” “sientate,” “callate tu boca,” and “ai dios mio.” I don’t even speak in spanish curses. Those are all english.

I do enjoy the wide range of word choice in english, being a conglomerate language of every conquerer that ever passed through their islands. 

But the romance languages have a lovely sound and are musical and i think would be good with flow and rhyme and rhythm and might make for lovely poetry.

It makes sense that you would feel like english is suited to some types of writing more than others. Did you READ more fantasy in english than portuguese? I think that’s part of what makes it seem to suit. You’re used to it. And I’m guessing english for fanfiction? I didn’t actually know about the english and sex writing. But as I said, my spanish comes from grandma talking to children. So THANKS grandma for not speaking in smut to us.

I have a similar problem when writing.... oh not with english vs spanish, but with casual vs formal. Some writing, some stories, want a more academic or proper voice, and some want something more casual, and colloquial. Being a native english speaker I might have more familiarity with colloquial english and the various dialects (proper news caster english? historical romance english? educated white girl english complete with vocal fry and, like, you know? inner city which is heavily influenced by if not totally AAVE?) and the question is WHAT KIND OF STORY AM I TELLING? What kind of audience am I speaking to? 

Oh. I think that’s codeswitching. Finding the voice and dialect and language that fits your audience, yourself, and your goals. It indicates a fluency with language and an ability to express yourself. Be proud.

Not being a polyglot, I’m not 100% sure that being bilingual is the same as codeswitching, so you might want to look that up and see if it’s similar to your situation. I do know that AAVE (african american vernacular english) is a bonafide language with it’s own grammar and rules or correctness, so if you look at it that way, the ‘codeswitching’ is actually speaking one language to those fluent in it and the other to the different language speakers. And not all native AAVE speakers are fluent in the other kinds of english. And most standard english native speakers are NOT fluent in AAVE. You can tell when they’re faking it because they get it all wrong. Well I guess if you don’t speak AAVE you can’t tell when they get it wrong.

Hmm. I’ve found one of the most important choice in writing is choosing a POV. it directs the entire voice of the story. And if you consider POV to be not only whether you use first person or third person, but also the voice of the character and the narrator and, essentially, the author.

So your choice of what language to write in may be part of this same decision. What are you looking for? What do you want to say? Who is the audience? What is the genre? What are the expectations? 

You have to actively choose the intentions behind the story you’re telling from the beginning, rather than writing in your default language without it even coming into question. 

I don’t think you should look at this as a draw back or ‘procrastination.’ I think you should look at it as a narrative choice that gives you more control over your own voice, your story, and what it is you’re trying to say. The more you get accustomed to making this choice the easier it will get.

Having the fluency to CHOOSE the language or dialect you are writing in is a level-up. 

(this is going to my writing blog @rosy-writes)

[keysmashchronicles]

the seven basic plots and phanfic

Having read about Booker’s concept of the seven basic plots and the universal structure that underpins them, I was curious to see how these ideas might relate to the phanfiction I’ve read and enjoyed. Although it’s possible to find fics that relate to all of the different plots, some of them are used much more heavily than others.

The plot which is overwhelmingly the most used in phanfic is that of comedy, which encompasses so many well-loved tropes such as fake relationships, sharing a bed and friends, enemies or strangers to lovers. The essence of the comedy plot is for characters to experience an ebb and flow between states of confusion, secrecy, miscommunication and separation and those of enlightenment, honesty, connection and unity, which perfectly sums up these stories where our boys have to overcome a series of obstacles which stand in the way of their eventual happy ending. In addition, tropes such as mutual pining, or unrequited love often also fall under this plot as these circumstances initially threaten to keep Dan and Phil apart but as the story unfolds they are challenged and ultimately overcome.

Two examples that demonstrate the comedy plot really well are fifty kisses to christmas by nokimisfics and  The Way I See You by INeverHadMyInternetPhase. Both feature a plot device which forces previously hidden or denied feelings to be gradually brought to the surface. As a result, Dan and Phil begin to develop greater honesty, vulnerability and trust in their relationship, finding the courage to be more and more truthful with themselves and each other and eventually being ready for their happy ending.

Another of the plots which we see used often in phanfic is voyage and return, for example in fics which feature time travel, body swapping or characters falling into alternate realities. These fics are based around the challenge of characters finding their way back to the normal world, and often include the themes of self-discovery and self-development which Booker says are necessary for this plot to be developed to its fullest.

We see this plot used in fics like If Lost, Return to Phil by thatsmistertoyou where Dan falls asleep in 2014, wakes the next morning and realises he’s in 2021 and tries to make up for all the mistakes he’s made in the intervening years, or In Any World by jestbee in which Dan hits his head in the bath and finds himself trapped in a world of phanfic. Both feature a character who is struggling with admitting to themselves who they are and what they want from life. They find themselves suddenly wrenched our of that ordinary life and face a series of challenges or dilemmas which force them to grow and face up to the truths they’ve been trying to avoid and build towards a dramatic climax just when it appears that there’s no way the problems they are facing can ever be resolved.

Plots such as overcoming the monster, the quest and rebirth are less common, because of this being an RPF fandom rather than being based on a fictional world with heroes and monsters and epic quests, but there are some fics which make use of these plots, mostly AU fics such as parentaladvisorybullshitcontent’s Vampire AU which develops into an overcoming the monster fic over the course of the series, or the ATLA AU Burn and Bloom by jilliancares which combines aspects of both the overcoming the monster and the quest plots.

The rags to riches plot in its traditional form doesn’t feature prominently in phanfic, but I’d argue that in some ways it does form the basis for the ‘story’ of Dan and Phil’s real life relationship so in a sense it is the backdrop to a whole range of fics, both canon compliant and otherwise.

The plot I’d associate least with phanfic is tragedy in the sense that Booker means it, where the protagonist falls irrevocably under the shadow of some dark influence because of their greed, lust or selfishness, thereby becoming the monster that has to be destroyed in order for the story to achieve its happy ending. There are some phanfics that could be regarded as tragic in their subject matter, such as those featuring major character death, but Booker would not see these as tragedies in the sense he uses the term.

Thinking about the universal plot and its two essential elements, my experience of phanfic is that the stories I particularly enjoy do tend to stick pretty closely to what Booker describes. In reflecting on what makes a fic enjoyable for me, a structure where the tension in the story ebbs and flows but gradually builds up to a climax, usually accompanied by some kind of personal growth or addressing of some inner struggle are the stories that I really enjoy and get the most satisfaction from.

This isn’t to say that stories which don’t follow this pattern can’t be enjoyable too, and  this is particularly true of fanfic. But the fics that really stay with me and that have a lasting impact tend to be those where the author has mastered the skill of using that universal structure to it’s best advantage.

It’s interesting that most of us never really tend to sit down and analyse the structure underneath a story in this way, and yet most writers seem to have a understanding of how to use it. Both writers and readers build this internal sense of what makes a good story through spending hours upon hours immersed in stories of all kinds and discovering what has the most impact on them, even if they never stop to think about it in analytical terms.

It’s similar to what Dan says in the  BBC Talentworks podcast about how he learned to write comedy - it wasn’t through studying and analysing the structure of jokes and theories on how they work, but simply through years of watching panel shows and sitcoms and internalising a sense of how they worked. Then when he did start learning about that structure at the writers’ retreat, it was simply a confirmation and a codification of what he’d already come to understand through his own experiences of consuming and creating content.

the universal plot // getting specific with a fic example

[sadisim]

Coming full circle: 2 years later

I want to start off this post by saying that this is no tea, shade, drama, subpost or whatever other name you want to find for this. This is my most sincere and last message that I will post on my blog. This is why I want to apologize in advance for the ridiculous length of this and I want every reader to be considerate, understanding, open and as objective as they possibly can in this matter.

I will not tolerate any hate sent towards me or the person I am about to mention nor any curious anons asking to “spill the tea” or anything of that nature. If you have any questions my inbox is always open and you are free to directly message me to discuss further. ^_^ /)

Now that we got that out of the way... I will tell you all a little story about my relationship with Frankie (gruesim or simplyimaginarypeople, however you want to call her)

If any of y’all simblr veterans know me for a long time, you surely know I’ve been here for about 6 years or so. I joined this website when I was around 13 years of age, and naturally as any 13 year old I immediately looked up to people who were more talented than me. One of those very people was Frankie herself. I respected her highly, admired her for all her hard work, discipline, talent for meshing from the very beginning and I am extremely thankful to her for all the help she has offered me throughout the years. 

I wanted to be like her. I wanted to mesh and have something to give to Simblr. I wanted to become popular and cool and constantly compared myself to her. Like any teenager would when they admire someone older than them.

You can imagine I grew up with time and I became less and less of a child, maturing and forming my own opinions etc. But I was still pretty gullible and easy to fool back then. So I blindly trusted Frankie and supported her in everything she did, no matter what other people around me were telling me about her. Above all I considered her a friend. A very close one that is. But I am never sure what she considered me to be. I don’t blame her though, I was pretty stupid and annoying when she knew me back then so I don’t mind it at all. However I wish that she had explicitly told me instead. I was always supportive and I remember all of our chats ran dry most of the time with me constantly asking her how she’s doing, admiring and supporting her and her being very distant and cold. I remember at some point she mentioned she cares for me as a friend but I felt like at the time that she didn’t truly mean it.  I never knew if she were like this just with me or if she was like that with everyone. But she was absolutely impossible to approach on my end. At least that’s what a teenager me thought at that time. I can be completely wrong about this. And that’s fine.

Growing up more and more I came to terms with the fact that maybe she just disliked me for some reason I didn’t know. Maybe I was too young for her to be friends with, maybe we had a communication barrier of sorts. So I slowly drifted away…running from my problems instead of confronting her.

That was my biggest mistake and fault.

I wish I had the power then that I have now, to confront people directly and tell them how I feel with no filters or sugarcoating.

But back then sugarcoating was the safest form of escape for me. There is nothing sweeter than pretending everything is okay when it isn’t, just to get away from an uncomfortable situation. All of y’all socially anxious people definitely know what I mean by this.

Sugarcoating was my second and most fatal mistake of all within our relationship.

I fully assume my wrongdoings and past mistakes and I want to let you know that I have realized what I did not do right back then. If I could turn back time I would do something entirely different, but that’s not possible. We learn from our past, don’t we? That’s what  I’ve been slowly doing in the past few years. ^_^

My falling out with Frankie happened around two years ago. I had started a Patreon for my writing combined with some sims ( pose making, skin making etc )She was clearly not happy about it. She was one of the first people who disagreed with me on it. I appreciated her input and never told her that it bothered me so that she didn’t think that I was “one of those people” who ask for money for content so I just sugarcoated everything as I always did. I remember her saying that she “is not a fan of Patreon as long as it’s not against EA” which I 100% agree with, I never intended to lock cc behind a paywall. I would just release stuff later on, probably in 2-3 weeks’ time. However I remember very clearly that she stated how “it would be still exclusive and that it’s no longer a donation instead it’s buying”

I really didn’t like that she was saying those things to me, I remember feeling disappointed. So because I didn’t want to anger her because I really looked up to her and I feared we might fight, I took down my Patreon and got a Ko-fi instead. I’m extremely thankful to everyone who donated, it’s helped me lots! She seemed to be happy about Ko-fi and i was happy i could please her and solve the problem. I never knew why she hated Patreon so much, to me Ko fi was exactly identical to Patreon. Just another name for donations.

This was the first time that Frankie’s shot a bullet in the way I viewed her. At that time she was starting to gain a lot of influence in the community because of her hard work and dedication and she was leading a very public campaign against Patreon. She’s said some things back then which heavily contrast her current views on Patreon, donations or cc locked behind a temporary wall.

She’s said multiple times, publicly and privately how she “hates everything exclusive” but as years passed by I sometimes saw her on my dashboard, despite not following her on tumblr. I couldn’t help but notice how she seemed to me that she helps those very close to her only and seems to not bat an eye about patreon/timed exclusive content  to some people I’ve seen interacting with her– Listen, I know that this might come across as harsh or salty but I mentioned before that I don’t think she’s seen me as a friend. I was not part of her inner circle, nor did we have very deep talks about many things in particular. It just really hurt me to see this happening, while behind closed doors, two years ago she’d bashed me for wanting to make a patreon instead of just asking for donations (it was the same exact thing to me…)

While this subject is still up I’d like to mention the drama that took place a bit earlier this month. The whole hair thing. I have very hardly abstained from saying anything or intervening within the drama because i have biased opinions about her based on my past experience with her. So I didn’t want to come across as harsh, rude or disrespectful to her because of my feelings towards her and didn’t want to portray her in a biased light. The people who know, know what my opinion on the whole drama was. It’s unnecessary to tell you what I think about it since it’s no longer around. But I’d just want to say that for me it felt like all of her constant contradictions were falling apart and truth was starting to get to the surface. I felt like this situation was going to teach her a lesson, and I surely hope she’s learned. She’s not a horrible person. She’s never had malicious intent. I just think that she never really knew quite well how to handle social situations. This isn’t the first time Frankie’s taken a break from simblr. 

Perhaps her views have changed over the past few years. I know mine did a lot, so I don’t blame her if she no longer believes in the things she’s said before. People change all the time for the better or worse and it’s not something unusual. My problem here is that she’s never quite explained why she’s changed her opinions, nor did she justify her behaviour towards me at the time and other people involved who had the same experience with her. I just sort of wish that we had gotten some sort of apology, or an explanation from her after a while…anything would have made us happy. But she never did, so we moved on and kept on ignoring her, praying that we don’t ever have to interact again while watching her from afar doing things that were sort of questionable and didn’t rub us in the right way at all. But I kept silent because people support and love her, and I didn’t want to stir drama. It would have meant setting a hornet’s nest on fire and jumping right into it. Which is why I’ve never gone public about this in the first place. I just wanted to make sure that the heat of the drama was gone before i posted this. I felt like it would have been unfair to her to ‘attack’ her with this during the whole thing. 

The next time that I started getting off vibes from her was the whole Simscord thing. She joined us, I remember that clearly, she’d post in the sims 3 channel now and then but she would most of the time be in the help channel. She’d never ignore anyone and seemed to become some helper that everyone’s seen her as. So everyone went to her for help, which is what she’s always done for the community: help. It’s not easy work to help others solve their problems, which is why I respect her for it. However I don’t understand why she’s left Simscord and then proceeded to tell me she was ‘constantly ignored’ and ‘only seen as a helper’ by others. And then she proceeded to turn her blog into a help blog for every single question that every single anon needed but NEVER complained about how ignored she is or how she’s only seen as a helper then. She’s sort of criticised Simscord on multiple times before, very passively aggressively with comments like “Why does Simscord have exclusive tutorials? Isn’t that sucky for the people who don’t like joining public chats ?”  I eventually posted all the ‘exclusive tutorials’ a bit later that i wrote for Simscord onto my blog. they are still up and you can find them. This did not really make me happy when the whole SSFF thing started taking off and she did not admit that she was blocking access to cc from people who were too socially anxious to do any of the challenges. But we’ll get to that later. That’s just one of the things I can remember … again I’m saying this once more: she might have changed her view since then so I don’t blame her if she thinks differently. I just blame her past self for the way she’s acted in the whole thing. That’s all. It seemed to me that she’s never quite liked Simscord in the first place and kept trying to find ways to dismiss its usefulness. It’s always brought me down because us, the admins, were doing our best to keep Simscord alive, equal and fun to everyone whether they liked talking with us there or not. It felt like a blow to my self-esteem for the time and effort I’d put into Simscord as an admin. I know very well it’s not perfect and it can’t be. Admins are humans just like everyone. We can’t force people to act a certain way just because we want to.

 The next time we had a conflict it was “fatal” for your relationship. It was when we parted ways completely and haven’t spoken directly since. Here is where my biggest fault comes in: not confronting her and being straightforward about how she made me feel. She was angry with me because “I’d changed”. I was apparently “a different person” because I was starting to be myself more on my blog, stopping to sugarcoat things so much…I was trying my best to get out of my childish shell of agreeing with everyone just to avoid conflict and duck confrontation with people when we couldn’t agree. I remember receiving an anonymous message around that time from someone who told me that “I changed” . I was very saddened by the message, I remember I actually cried when I received it. I did not understand why that anonymous person saw me as ‘changed’. I was just being myself and trying to grow and shape and break free from the cute, innocent angel persona that I had created for myself. Sorta like Miley when she had that crazy post Disney phase lol. Im joking now but it’s for real. Then I connected that anon message to her and I am still suspecting today that it might have been her, or someone from her inner circle but then again i could be wrong about this. She had also told me clearly how she “talked to other people who confirmed my change.” I never knew who these people were. Why were they talking behind my back? Why were they not directly telling me into my face that “I changed” if they knew me so well? I highly doubt they knew me at all. Or perhaps there were no “other people”. Perhaps she had made that up just to add to her argument. I’ll never know.

 I supported her in the whole drama with The Together Store because I was still admiring her for her work and passion and I still refused to see the doubtful things that people were accusing her of doing. I remember very clearly how I messaged her when she announced her hiatus, supporting her and telling her I’m there for her, not even willing to listen to The Together Store’s side of the story (If any of you guys are reading this please reach out to me, I can’t remember your urls. I’d like to apologize personally!)   and she just told me that she doesn’t need my support, she’s not bullied and she doesn’t need help. That put a knife in my chest. I know she was just being angry in that moment. She eventually apologized for her harsh words but I never told her how they made me feel then. Another mistake on my end. I kept adding and adding to the idea of supporting her and she simply said that “she needs people to change the way they act”. I kept adding fuel to the conversation but it went nowhere. In one of the last messages from her I remember she explicitly told me that “It’s attitudes like mine that made her leave” and after that I could take no more blows. I knew then deep down my heart that I did not like her attitude but I decided to simply be nice, continue to wrongly sugarcoat the words I wanted to tell her, block her and move on. She was constantly adding in how she saw me as some sort of… Simblr Leader? I never understood what she meant by that. Never. “I don't respect the way you are handling your position as a community leader. Its been super sad to watch such a kind and sweet person get influenced by all this and I wish it were different”  - This is a direct quote from her. I have yet to understand what this all means today. I don’t know what “Influenced by all” means. I have no idea where she got the idea that I am or was a community leader by any means. Surely, I used to have much more influence two years ago. I had thousands of followers, talked to hundreds of people. But I was not a leader. I surely didn’t consider myself that way nor ever said i am one.

I know I handled the situation terribly. Yet again I take complete responsibility for my mistakes and I wish I could gather the courage to reach out to her instead. But we parted ways, by agreeing to disagree and moved on with our lives. I’ve been avoiding her from my dash actively by blocking her username and just stayed away as much as possible. I thought about it many times, to message her…to reach out and talk and be open about my mistakes. But I’ve always gotten a bit anxious the way she might understand this and respond. I know she’s had a distant tone when talking to me before and i did not want to get anxious. So i just hoped i’d get the chance to talk about this someday.

So in the years that came after that I watched her expand, grow and shape her simblr, her projects. She started becoming the very thing that she swore to destroy (very poetic but im making a reference to that one meme. Yall edgelords know what im talkin about). There was  SimblrSimplyForFun that pissed me off with the idea of exclusivity that she was so aggressive towards me about but she ended up doing herself- i remember people talking about how they don’t like the idea of challenges and interacting with others just to get ‘a treat’. She was even sent anonymous questions about this very matter: what are socially anxious people going to do? We can’t just interact with others like normal people. I don’t remember her exact response but I think it was something that brushed off the anon. Then came the drama with the hairs. It was the last drop for me. I wanted to let it all go. It’s been awful to hold this in for so long. She took it upon herself to change an entire community by implementing all these projects, which in idea are super fun and cool and really help connect people, but she was doing all the work by herself and kept on burdening herself with every challenge and piece of cc released. She had hundreds and hundreds of projects, videos, tutorials and cc released in the span of two years that were monstrously over encumbering her with so much responsibility to “change simblr” that she got swallowed in this dark pit of becoming a vessel for change and it ended up overwhelming her to the point where she left. That’s just how I see things from the outside. It doesn’t mean I’m right and you can contradict me on this, I’d gladly listen. She’s done so much for us all, a help that nobody else was willing to give and I am thankful for all her dedication and time spent doing these things. But reading her goodbye message made me realize how she’s seen Simblr more as a job than anything else. She was becoming the “leader” she was trying to enforce on me but it was no easy job. To me Simblr is fun, it’s a hobby. It’s somewhere I come to see creativity and catch up with old mutuals. Nothing more than that. If i can help people i definitely will, if it’s within my knowledge and free time. I don’t want my kindness/selflessness be seen as some sort of sacrifice i make as a “leader of the community”. That’s just my opinion. I feel like she really deserved a break and some time away to clear up her mind, relax and think. I hope she finds the peace she seeks!

I have stayed put form talking about this. As soon as the whole drama with the hairs got out I knew it was gonna be a big blow on her blog. I just didn’t want to add fuel to the fire and that’s why I am posting this only now.. I just wanted to tell my story that I kept in for two long years and that I’ve struggled to come to terms with until now. 

If you’re reading this Frankie, I’m sorry about the mistakes I made and that I didn’t tell you how I truly felt. It’s probably late, but it’s never too late to apologize for my behavior.

I understand people might not agree with me or my side of the story, that’s totally fine. I just wanted to clear things up because I have many people here I talk to that have asked me before why I don’t interact with Frankie or avoid her. I hope that this explanation is everything you need to clear things up ^_^ Anyone who I’ve personally hurt, attacked or wronged is free to unfollow me or block me away, that is totally fine and acceptable, or perhaps if you want to talk about things I’m always here to listen and discuss.

Ever since this thing happened it’s left me pretty bitter about making new friends here. Which is why I’ve just set a limit to myself to just remain ‘mutuals’ with many people and nothing more or less. It’s why I’ve been colder and colder with every year and refused to do many collabs or ships or whatever. I just have matured and grew up and I do not have much time anymore for any of these things. My IRL is full of problems that I am not willing to discuss here because they don’t concern anyone. I’ve come here just to tell my story and that’s the last personal post I’ll probably ever make on my blog.

Thankyou all for reading this extremely long post and bearing with me!

[dreamersscape]

Note: This ask is from ages upon ages ago, and I’d like to offer my deepest apologies to whoever requested this. It was very important to me that I answer  thoroughly and in as articulate a manner as possible, and I’m embarrassed how slow accomplishing that took me. I hope that somehow you’re able to see this post, and you’re able to get something out of my rambling.

Thank you again for your patience in awaiting my answer, nonnie! I’m excited to put this headcanon of mine into words. It’s not often I have really specific and/or detailed HCs, I’ll admit; usually I stick to extrapolating off of canon. And while that’s sort of what I’ve done here, it seems to have happened mostly on a subconscious level, stewing until I realized a pattern forming within nearly all my fic plot bunnies.

It’s also possibly a key to how I understand Allan as a character, so… that’s kinda cool.

Okay, so Allan doesn’t really present as an overly anxious person, does he? At least, not in comparison to some of the other characters, like Much, who is utterly incapable of suppressing his anxiety. If Much is feeling apprehensive about something, you’re going to know it. So why then did I begin to notice my habit of, once he’s been stressed past a certain point, characterizing Allan’s emotional breaking points almost always as him tailspinning into a state of profound anxiety/panic? Well, partly because Allan just really REALLY sucks at dealing with negative experiences/emotions. His preferred method of coping with anything is to internalize the heck out of it, stuff it deep down inside, and then hope he never has to think about it ever again i.e. avoidance at all costs. And that appears to work… for awhile. He’s good at living in the present, ignoring past events and future repercussions. (Side note: a big reason why I also think substance abuse or other similar escapes could be quite alluring to him.) Eventually though, because it’s never been dealt with or even confronted, something triggers the release of all that pent up stress and negativity. He basically builds this towering pile of Bad Things, and so when it gets knocked over, it manages to completely overwhelm him. But until he’s thrown off-kilter and the pile loses balance and tips over, he’s mostly able to coast along, maintaining a relatively calm exterior while mired in turbulent inner seas.

Now, I realize I haven’t given much in the way of evidence for this yet, or explained why I think this all happens within the framework of a very anxious mindset. Hopefully I’m getting there. But that preceding paragraph is there to show how I find I characterize Allan as a result. (I probably wouldn’t have figured out this pattern of sorts if I could ever resist making things the Absolute Worst Imaginable Confluence of Events for Allan in my fic ideas, but that’s a “problem” for another day.)

What I’ve found is the key for me to get in Allan’s head and see things from his perspective is this: fear is his #1 motivator and it constantly feeds into his #1 priority, which is self-preservation. That goal of personal safety develops and eventually changes over the course of the show, but certainly for the greater part of the first two seasons, that is what primarily drives him. (For what I believe drives him from the end of 2x12 onwards, see here.)

For the most part, I’d say it’s pretty safe to say self-preservation-as-priority-number-one in regards to Allan’s character is generally widely accepted by the fans of the show. But opinions on why and how that came to be might vary more. I don’t know, maybe proposing that fear is the major driving force behind Allan’s decisions and behavior is not very revolutionary, but that is what I’d like to posit and explore in this post.

So, why do I think Allan is constantly consumed by his own personal well being above all else, to the point where its essentially become an automatic filter overlaying the way he interacts with the world? (I’m not intending to dramatically overstate things here, BTW; this is just how deeply ingrained I believe it is.) To me, this indicates at some point early on in his life something or a series of events convinced Allan that the world was an inherently dangerous place and you needed to always be on your guard for the next threat around any corner. This trauma could have taken a variety of forms depending on your headcanon,  but IMO it’s clear from Allan’s canonical behavior that it happened. Things that could point to this include, but are not limited to, the sparse background information we do learn about (Tom abandoning him and simultaneously stealing all his belongings, his apparent total lack of vocation despite his father being a blacksmith) as well as how he interacts with his brother (his over-identification with Tom–”I was like him once”–mixed in with the understandable trust issues, Tom’s borderline antisocial behavior in general, and I also wrote here about how their dynamic possibly alludes to a dysfunctional home life). With that as a fundamental part of your worldview, it’s easy to understand why you and your anxiety might have become good friends. He has no base level understanding or measure of being/feeling safe. Or maybe he once did, but there isn’t a way to go back or recapture that.

Another component of Allan’s anxiety I’d like to highlight is his personal locus of control. Locus of control is a psychology term that evaluates ‘the degree to which people believe that they have control over the outcome of events in their lives, as opposed to external forces beyond their control.’ It’s usually described in terms of being internal (belief that one can control one’s own life) or external (belief that life is controlled by outside factors which the person cannot influence, or that chance or fate controls their lives). ‘Individuals with a strong internal locus of control believe events in their life derive primarily from their own actions: for example, when receiving exam results, people with an internal locus of control tend to praise or blame themselves and their abilities. People with a strong external locus of control tend to praise or blame external factors such as the teacher or the exam.’ I definitely believe Allan has an external-based locus of control, and I think we see this in how reactive and defensive he is to his environment and in his tendency to shift the blame or not take personal responsibility for his actions. As opposed to Marian’s and Robin’s “everything is a choice” mantra, Allan often feels he has/had “no choice”, or feels “stuck”. Consequently, this lack of perceived ability to dictate and be accountable for one’s actions can make you feel very powerless. And if you believe the world is a unpredictable, dangerous place and there’s little you can do to affect or change that, you’d likely feel pretty fearful and anxious. Indeed, there has been research that concludes that people with an external locus of control tend to be more stressed and are more prone to clinical depression.

Now, I realize the preceding two paragraphs are either relying heavily on speculation or pretty technical terminology, so I’d like to conclude by referring directly to Allan’s behavior as evidence of his frequent anxiety. It is still in production, but I am working on a comprehensive gifset of every time Allan outwardly demonstrates anxiety. I’ll link it here once it’s finished. (Spoiler warning: it’s going to be a whopper of a gifset.) But until then, I think it’s notable that Allan exhibits a wide range of behaviors that typically denote anxiety. Licking his lips, swallowing/gulping, sweaty palms, fidgeting with something in his hands (could also be a sign of excess energy, but there are three instances of this in the first two episodes of the show alone, and this often seems to happen when it’s implied Allan has excess nervous energy), shifty eyes or a gaze that is unable to meet anyone else’s, hands on head in dismay, etc. It’s subtle because Allan’s doing his best to suppress it–he doesn’t want it to show because that would mean looking vulnerable/weak, which is not safe and a terrifying prospect when you live in a unpredictable, dangerous world–but if you’re looking for it, it’s there.

In summary, on the outside Allan projects a calm, self-assured, doesn’t-take-anything-too-seriously, cheerful, amiable image. And that is a legitimate part of who he is. He’s cultivated that facade for so long that it has taken on a life of its own. However, on the inside, he is ALSO a lot of the time an unsure, self-doubting, self-destructive, fearful, angst-ridden bundle of nerves. So that’s why when I read a story where Allan is ONLY portrayed as the former with none of the latter, it just doesn’t feel like Allan to me. In those cases, it’s as though I’m reading about a vaguely Allan-shaped empty shell. And I get it–it’s hard to always show all those sides of Allan when he’s not one of the main characters or he’s not the primary focus of the fic. Or the author might not be at all inclined to have Allan’s role be more than a surface level portrayal, and that’s okay. Not everything should be about Allan! But I also think there is often room for hints; Allan’s facade does have cracks. All this to say, Allan’s layers and contradictions are an intrinsic part of his character’s essence for me, including his anxieties/insecurities/fears, and his life has largely been built on that apprehensive foundation.

TL;DR Allan’s anxiety not only exists, it dictates much of what he thinks, says, and does, and the poor guy needs a ton of therapy.

sources for the locus of control info:

Rotter, Julian B (1966). “Generalized expectancies for internal versus external control of reinforcement”. Psychological Monographs: General and Applied. 80: 1–28. Carlson, N.R., et al. (2007). Psychology: The Science of Behaviour - 4th Canadian ed.. Toronto, ON: Pearson Education Canada. Benassi, Victor A; Sweeney, Paul D; Dufour, Charles L (1988). “Is there a relation between locus of control orientation and depression?”. Journal of Abnormal Psychology. 97 (3): 357–367.

[shinneth]

Gem Ascension Tropes (Peridot-specific: I - K)

Reference:

Primary Peri Post ▼ Primary General Post ▼ Full Article

I Am What I Am: While technically in Chartreuse’s form in this moment, Steven’s (as Pink 2.0) intensive Epiphany Therapy towards the end of Chapter 8 of Act III revolves around Peridot’s inner turmoil and self-acceptance regarding her past life as a Manipulative Bastard, which has wracked her with endless guilt since her canon Heel-Face Turn. Said guilt turns out to be what is really inhibiting Peridot’s ability to fuse with Steven. Once it’s lifted when Peridot fully accepts herself, she not only finds that she and Steven can fuse after all, but together fulfill an ancient prophecy as the Diamond of Miracles.

I Gave My Word: Peridot promised herself and everyone else that she’d save everyone trapped on Homeworld and make sure they’re brought home to Earth, and remembering this often helps shake her out a mental funk she’s stuck in.

I Hate Past Me: A major internal issue for Peridot that only gets worse the further she progresses through Homeworld as former repressed memories of how horrible she was as a Homeworld Gem are inadvertently regained. White Diamond actively tortures Peridot by making her watch these memories in Act III, and this ends up weighing down so heavily on Peridot’s conscience that it inhibits her potential for fusion.

I Just Want to Be Special: Peridot is well aware she’s the weakest Crystal Gem, is one of the most common types of gems in existence (as well as the lowest-regarded kind in society) and is destined to be insignificant as an Era 2 gem who will never measure up to her friends. That hasn’t stopped her from going above and beyond to avert this even in her Homeworld days, and now being able to legitimately lead what’s left of the Crystal Gems is Peridot’s opportunity to really stand out and shine. However…

I Just Want to Be Normal: By Act III, it’s revealed Peridot is not only a Chosen One, but a one-of-a-kind Unwitting Test Subject that hasn’t been seen in several millennia. She becomes the first and only ascended gem, capable of being an ordinary gem and a Diamond simultaneously. This consequently makes her the only Era 2 gem with Era 1 capabilities, the only Diamond to be created from another gem, and then there’s her ridiculously powerful ability to conjure things by willing them into existence. All of this is thrown onto Peridot at once, who was determined not to let White Diamond compromise her identity… only to succumb to her fate following a Moment of Weakness. This trope is especially prevalent in Peridot at the very end of GA and all stories following it, as the consequences of her achievements in Act III force Peridot onto a pedestal she doesn’t feel ready for. Ironically, all of this is something Peridot would have been fully on board with prior to her Character Development.

I Let Gwen Stacy Die: Double Subverted with Pumpkin. Celadon Diamond – a fusion of Chartreuse Diamond and White Diamond – killed Pumpkin (while attempting to kill Greg, which he narrowly avoided). While Celadon used willpower (inherited from her Peridot/Chartreuse component) to do the deed, Peridot herself tried to do everything she could to make the fusion hold back. However, resigning to the fusion the way she had made Peridot’s influence on Celadon very limited; White was a much more dominant presence in the fusion, and her desire to kill Steven’s father overpowered Peridot’s resistance. It was only after this happened that Peridot managed to find a way to break the fusion, after several failed attempts. Had she been able to break the fusion earlier, all of this could have been avoided. While Peridot knows it wasn’t fully her fault that she lost Pumpkin, severely injured Greg, and destroyed the Crystal Gems’ spaceship, the fact remains that it was her power that caused this mess. Peridot failed to use her powers to save Pumpkin despite her efforts, and until Steven consoles her later in Act III, she laments that she could have spared Pumpkin, Greg, and their ship from this if only she had been strong enough to break or hold back the fusion. She also could have prevented this if she hadn’t fallen prey to White’s tactics earlier that rendered her emotionally vulnerable, which allowed the Celadon fusion to happen in the first place.

I Lied: Manipulative Bastard Peridot says this verbatim to 9FC in a flashback shown in Chapter 2 of Act III in regards to their friendship.

I Owe You My Life: Peridot wholeheartedly credits her life to Steven. It’s more than him simply liberating her from the oppressive Homeworld life where Individuality is Illegal and giving her a second chance when no one else would. Because he spent so much time teaching Peridot about Earth, as well as talking to her and enjoying life together, Peridot has very good reason to believe her “Great and Lovable” self would never have existed without him. She’s deeply grateful for it and makes sure Steven knows she feels that way several times in the story.

Before this (though it takes a long time for Peridot to remember this), Lapis is similarly credited simply due to coming in just in time before Peridot’s Near-Rape Experience with Jasper went any further than that. Lapis had no intention of saving Peridot; in fact, she was more than willing to let Peridot be subjected to the full extent of being violated for the sake of her own safety. However, Jasper was naturally more drawn to Lapis not only out of instinct, but lust/alleged “love” – meaning Lapis inadvertently took the bullet for Peridot anyway. Several times, at that, while the three were a team together. While the trauma surrounding the incident and Peridot’s own reprehensible behavior during this time were so overwhelming that they had to be fully repressed and nearly forgotten in order for Peridot to function properly after this, she never let herself forget that Lapis did save her from an incident that nearly erased her entire identity – which can be seen as her life being saved. This was the main reason why Peridot went out of her way to be accommodating for Lapis in canon, even at her own expense.

I Want My Beloved to Be Happy: Played with. Peridot was fully prepared to be rejected by Steven when it came to the pursuit of a romantic relationship. No matter how jealous she was over her competition, Peridot valued her friendship with Steven far too much to jeopardize it over a selfish desire. She will gladly put Steven’s needs above her own every time. Thankfully for her, it never came to this.

I Will Only Slow You Down: Her rationale when she tells Steven and Garnet to Go on Without Me. White Diamond is just a couple of minutes away, which affords them no time to break the gate with brute force, while Peridot is too fatigued and injured to save herself. While she tries to smile at her friends without showing any tears or sorrow, that briefly fades when Peridot turns her head to hear White Diamond closing in. She resumes her smile when she looks back at Garnet and Steven, now more adamantly ordering them to leave her behind.

I Will Wait for You: Has this sentiment for Steven regarding her feelings for him, under the assumption that he may not be ready for that kind of relationship yet or if he’s with someone else entirely. Peridot’s got all the time in the world to wait for her turn. Luckily for her, she doesn’t have to wait too long.

I’m Having Soul Pains: When Peridot tries to do too much with her willpower in her base form, she will suffer this in the form of headaches, fatigue, and overall physical strain. This is due to her form not being a very good conductor for this kind of power; this kind of side-effect does not happen when performing the same feats (or greater) as Chartreuse Diamond. Only problem is that Peridot doesn’t exactly like to be Chartreuse unless she absolutely has to…

The Immodest Orgasm: It’d be more surprising if someone as naturally loud, expressive, and dramatic as Peridot didn’t behave this way. And sure enough, this is what happens in Chapter 2 of It’s a Birthday, Yes It Is.

Improvised Weapon: Even post-ascension, Peridot never gains an official weapon. Beforehand, she literally could not summon one from her gemstone due to her limitations as an Era 2 gem. Now charged with willpower, Peridot can summon pretty much any weapon she wants for the right situation, assuming she can decide on what to go with. Prior to this, Peridot improvised at least two weapons in a hammer (which she later gifted to an unarmed Connie) and a piece of metal scrap she was able to manipulate into whatever shape she wanted. Although it was mainly a mode of transport, Peridot also used a steel beam to ram into a pallid gem late in Act I.

Drop the Hammer: Though she used it very sparingly before giving it to Connie, Peridot did use the hammer to damage Yellow Diamond badly enough to stun her for the entire battle.

Indy Ploy: Peridot is forced to resort to this in Chapter 5 of This is Who I Am. 5XG is strangling the Light Steven in a separate dimension – consequently, Dark Steven (Peridot’s opponent) is unable to breathe due to his life being bound to his counterpart’s. Being isolated in a separate dimension makes Peridot unable to directly interfere with her counterpart’s efforts… except for one way: injuring herself. The problem is that 5XG is extremely resilient to damage, so Peridot has to inflict a severe injury on herself to have any hope of causing enough mutual damage to disrupt her dark self. With both Stevens moments away from being choked to death, Peridot has no choice but to go with her instincts, as there’s no time to think anything through. She knows it’s a bad idea to directly damage her own gemstone, but being bereft of options and not having the luxury of taking time to think this through leaves her with no choice. She stabs her own gemstone with a broken floor tile – this does force 5XG to stop, but now both Peridots are on death’s door. Luckily for them, Light Steven is merciful enough to heal the one who almost killed him while Dark Steven begrudgingly respects Peridot’s efforts to save his life and heals her to avoid feeling indebted. Ultimately, this insane plan helps end both deathmatches, as both Peridots are too injured to function while both Stevens are too fatigued to carry on, leading to a draw where both Steven and Peridot escape with their lives against all odds.

Inelegant Blubbering: Downplayed, but Peridot’s reunion with Steven in Act I includes sobbing into his chest, calling him every derogatory name she can think of, and punching his shoulder for each insult. Being that Peridot is severely injured, she’s not hurting Steven at all and it isn’t long before she fully devolves into this. Badly enough that the Crystal Gems need to split up and relocate, since Peridot’s cries are garnering unwanted attention.

Inferiority Superiority Complex: Still burdened with this, as Peridot can’t really escape being faced with constant limitations as the only Era 2 of the Crystal Gems… until she ascends, of course. But even then, she has limitations on her new powers unless she shifts into Chartreuse Diamond. She’s constantly self-conscious as a leader, and now that Peridot has regained her memories of her life as a Homeworld Gem, she has a lot of Old Shame moments that are hard for her to live down… especially when the Homeworld refugees constantly remind her of those times.

Insecure Love Interest: Downplayed, as this mostly applies to Peridot after she regains her memories about how awful she used to be during her pre-Earth life. It’s only hinted at in Act II; by Act III, Peridot also struggles with her identity as an Unwitting Test Subject that led to her betraying her friends early on. While it’s seemingly mended with Steven’s declaration of them being an Official Couple by Chapter 5, another problem arises in their inability to fuse. By Chapter 8, it’s revealed the primary cause of that was Peridot’s own guilt over her past crimes weighing her down to the point where she subconsciously believed she didn’t deserve to fuse with Steven.

Insistent Terminology: At the end of It’s a Birthday, Yes It Is, Steven points out the Department of Redundancy Department nature of Peridot’s GA-exclusive catchphrase, “stupid idiot”. Peridot’s response?

Peridot: “It’s not redundancy, clod. It’s emphasis.”

Steven: “I’m… not following.”

Peridot: “Some people can be stupid; others are idiots… but it takes a special kind of clod mentality to achieve the level of stupid idiot, Steven. When I say you’re a stupid idiot, I mean you’re an idiot even by idiot standards, get it?”

Insufferable Genius: Per canon, Peridot definitely has her moments of this, although she’s often prone to self-criticism in the story as well. Sometimes, she deliberately invokes this trope in an attempt to cover something up (usually an insecurity).

Internalized Categorism: Downplayed as time goes on; in Act II, she admits to envying Amethyst for being a gem made on Earth rather than Homeworld, as Peridot had grown to loathe being associated with her home planet in any way. Still, Peridot knows there’s nothing that can be done about it, and she soon no longer has the luxury of lamenting over such trivial details. But then, it’s revealed Peridot is part-Diamond in Act III – and this trope returns with a vengeance. Peridot learns to accept herself by the end of the primary GA series, but still isn’t really comfortable about embracing her Diamond heritage.

Involuntary Shapeshifting: Happens a couple of times. Most notably, she shifts into her Chartreuse Diamond form as she grieves over Pumpkin’s death that only makes her destructive reactions worse.

It Sucks to Be the Chosen One: For all the times Peridot wanted to stand out and be special, she didn’t get to enjoy even a second of it when it was revealed in Act III that she is a very unique Chosen One after all. While Peridot eventually has Steven to lean on to share her burdens with, the Post-GA stories exaggerate their woes as the new Era 3 operation looms over them, as they are the designated centerpieces for the operation, being the only diamonds left in existence at that point. Stories taking place after their project launches show that the burden of responsibility and work have weighed heavily upon the pair.

It’s All About Me: Heavily downplayed due to the high stakes and circumstances of Peridot’s goals in the story, but still has her moments of this. Played very straight regarding who Peridot used to be before she was assigned to monitor Earth.

It’s Personal: Messing with Steven automatically makes any matter personal for Peridot. After Act I, it becomes more personal as White Diamond directly messes with her life and compromises her identity that brings life-long consequences. Then Pumpkin gets brought into it, and… the results are not pretty.

Jerk with a Heart of Gold: She’s still full of herself, she’s still a brat, and she’s still prone to respond aggressively, but don’t ever question Peridot’s love for her friends, her loyalty towards her family, or what she’s willing to do or what she has to sacrifice to keep them out of harm’s way.

Jerkass Ball: Chapter 6 of Act III: after failing to fuse with Steven during their private time together, Peridot covers up her misery with this in order to function not only as a Crystal Gem, but a co-leader of the team, as well as avoid admitting her confirmed inability to fuse to the rest of her friends. However, this façade only makes it more apparent to the others that something is wrong with Peridot, who absolutely refuses to talk about it.

Jerkass Woobie: Peridot in a nutshell after her Near-Rape Experience with Jasper, but before her Heel-Face Turn when she aligned herself with the Crystal Gems.

Jumped at the Call: The moment she realizes Steven’s in trouble, Peridot not only does this, but is irked the others didn’t react like this and instead waited for her to reform before doing anything at all.

Karma Houdini: Until she met Jasper, Manipulative Bastard Peridot suffered no consequences whatsoever for her horrific behavior on Homeworld. She literally got away with murder on several occasions; even worse, often got rewarded for it. Peridot’s good fortune abruptly ran out once she was finally promoted and got on Yellow Pearl’s bad side; ever since her first encounter with Jasper, misfortune followed Peridot everywhere she went. Before long, she was finally suffering the consequences for her cruel ambitions.

5XF expresses that she has no desire to become “another 5XG” regarding her own despicable actions during Chapters 4 and 5 of This is Who I Am. Apparently “5XG” is a synonym for this trope now.

The Killer in Me: The Amnesiac variety, as Peridot is horrified and disgusted to remember how reprehensible she used to be once she reaches Homeworld, and how many lives were lost due to her actions, directly or otherwise.

The Klutz: Per canon, but also the reason why Gem Ascension didn’t end with Act I. Actually heavily downplayed in Act I after leaving Earth, specifically so it happening in Act I’s climax would be even more impactful and unexpected.

Knight, Knave, and Squire: The Squire to Bismuth’s Knight and Lapis’ Knave.