#unwarranted opinion

[incognitofox]

I don't get people saying that some of the Until Dawn characters deserved to die because like... They really didn't? At least in my opinion.

I mean, yeah, they did something truly cruel and I don't think they should be forgiven for that. Especially in the original, the implications of the prank were EXTREMELY not okay.

They very well could've ruined Hannah's life, and I don't deny that, but it certainly wasn't their intention to get Hannah killed (or wendigo'd), and some of them seem to express remorse over what happened.

But like... Do consider: they were teenagers—maybe young adults at best—and they probably didn't understand the severity of what they were doing. (It was NOT just a prank, Han.)

I personally feel like the prank doesn't really justify their deaths, if that makes sense.

I get they're fictional characters and ultimately their deaths aren't a big deal, but saying that they deserved to die just because they did some really dumb things feels really unnecessarily mean to me for some reason lol.

Like, I see so many people intentionally kill Emily for no other reason than because she's an asshole. And don't get me wrong, she IS an asshole, and I can totally understand why people hate her (even though I personally love her).

But I really don't think Emily being a giant bitch really warrants SHOOTING HER IN THE FACE.

That's just my opinion though lol. You can do what you want ofc, it's just a video game. Part of the fun of gaming is being able to do whatever you feel like with little consequence.

I mean, who am I to judge? I did some truly abhorrent things to far more likeable characters during my evil run of Baldur's Gate 3 (and it was truly emotionally devastating to me, but I did it nonetheless), so I have no moral say in this at all.

I just think this line of thinking is interesting, I guess.

[coll2mitts]

Movie Minute: Cool World (1992)

Guys, uh, I found something bizarre on YouTube yesterday and I have to talk about it. I can't let myself focus on this for more than a few hours, so enjoy this new thing called Movie Minute where I word vomit out a bunch of stuff in an attempt to purge the subject from my mind.

Cool World is what would happen if Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Heavy Metal procreated. I'm 100% convinced its target audience was middle school-aged boys during a time period where porn was physically printed media and not a 2-second google search away. It tries so hard to be edgy and instead succeeds in being the most uncomfortable thing I've ever seen.

Do you want to know what it'd look like for a real life human to "make it" with a cartoon? No? What if the human was the nerdy German professor from Little Women and the cartoon was Kim Basinger? Well, the director of Cool World, Ralph Bakshi certainly did and now we're all worse off.

Nothing could have prepared me for the plot of this movie. Riffing on Bakshi's original concept, the writing pair that also gave us Starsky and Hutch and 2 Poltergeist movies posits "What if a separate animated world called Toontown Cool World existed? And in that world a down-on-his-luck human detective played by Bob Hoskins Brad Pitt and his cartoon sidekick called Roger Rabbit Nails investigated the extracurricular activities of a sultry singing bombshell named Jessica Rabbit Holli Would? And what if a toon Doodle tried to impersonate a human Noid for their own personal gain disregarding how it affected the citizens of their own town? Like, what if someone told that story?!"

Honestly, I don't want to focus too deeply on the similarities between this and Who Framed Roger Rabbit because that is an entertaining movie and Cool World is teenage spank bank slop. It tries to be more than that, but after the 30th scene of cartoon Kim Basinger doing this exact thing, I think it lost the plot.

See, Brad Pitt's character Frank Harris is a WW2 vet who returns to Las Vegas to be with his mother after the war. During a motorcycle ride they get hit by a drunk driver, and Frank's mom immediately dies. Simultaneously, some cartoon scientist opens a rift between Cool World and Real World using some "spike" he invented, witnesses Frank's emotional break that somehow interferes with the spike and facilitates his transportation into Cool World.

How did this cartoon scientist rip a hole into reality? How did Frank navigate between the real world and Cool World by being really, really upset? I dunno, fuck you for asking.

Instead of being like hm, clearly this is a psychotic break, I should try to get back to reality, Frank spends the next 47 years of his life in Cool World, somehow nagging a job as its only detective. What's he trying to prevent from happening? Holli, a Doodle played by Kim Basinger, fucking a Noid.

First of all, the slang they created in this movie in an attempt to build out Cool World is :chefs kiss: amount of cringe. The animated creatures are called "Doodles" and the humans are "Noids". The antagonist, aptly named Holli Would ("Holli would if she could... And she will" EYEROLL) wants to become a Noid and travel to the real world where powerful woman have agency because Marilyn Monroe seemed to have all her shit together. The only way Holli can do that, however, is to have sex with a real-life Noid because Noid sperm turns Doodles into Noids, I guess.

Since our chaste friend Frank won't give up the goods, Holli targets Jack Deebs, a cartoonist she inspired to write the "Cool World" comic series because of her frequent visits in his dreams. Jack is currently serving time in jail for murdering his wife's lover, but somehow has an entire art studio in his cell and Holli scribbled on his walls. He's going to be released in a few days, and he moans out a thanks to Holli for helping him through his time incarcerated. I don't for a second want to picture Gabriel Byrne jackin' it to a picture he drew of a blonde chick, but here we are.

How has Holli been communicating with Jack? Did she reach out to him first, or did he somehow slip into Cool World by accident? How did Holli pull him into Cool World? Is the "spike" facilitating this interaction somehow? I dunno, fuck you for asking.

Frank catches wind of this new development and hunts down Jack to have a little chat about The Rules. The sexual tension between the two factions is incredibly awkward, but my favorite line in the whole movie is the intimidating way Brad Pitt spits at Gabriel Byrne, "Noids do not have sex with Doodles".

"Keep your PENCIL in your POCKET if you know what I mean."

Someone had to write this. Someone had to print this in a script, give it to a director, have them sign off on it, deliver it to two well-known actors, block it, rehearse it, and then tell Brad Pitt, hot off of Thelma & Louise fame, to deliver this so fucking earnestly that we would believe if Gabriel Byrne stuck his dick in a cartoon the world would explode. And then Brad repeats the rule the same way Tyler reiterates to new members not to talk about Fight Club.

The missed opportunity of Frank not warning Jack with, "Don't diddle a Doodle" breaks my heart if I think about it more than 2 seconds.

So what does Jack do after this encounter? Fuck Holli.

This turns her into a Noid, cause again, magic Noid sperm will do that. Jack and Holli somehow travel back to the Real World and Holli immediately tries to stage fuck Frank Sinatra Jr. in an attempt to get famous. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding about any of this.

Except the effect of the sperm starts to wear off, threatening to turn Holli back into a Doodle. Jack also starts morphing into a Doodle because cross contamination, I guess? This makes him nervous but he's generally inept and can't think of a way to fix it. Holli decides the best course of action is to hunt down the "spike" to give her power, which she thinks is at the top of the Union Plaza hotel in downtown Las Vegas because of a rumor about a Doodle named Vegas Vinnie who crossed over years before and guys, the last 30 minutes of this movie are come at you fast, please try to stay with me here.

See, Vegas Vinnie is based on the scientist from the beginning of the movie. He was afraid of someone exploiting the rift he created, so he used the "spike" to plug the tunnel between Cool World and Real World lest they bleed into each other. This rift just happens to be at the top of a massive casino, so Holli ditches Jack and attempts to climb up there herself to grab the spike. Frank figures out the plan, relieves the trauma of losing his mother to travel back to the real world, and goes to the site of the spike with intentions to arrest Holli. She Doodle shifts to shove Frank off the building, unsheathes the "spike" like it were Excalibur, and inadvertently triggers the merging of the two worlds.

I'm having Super Mario Bros. flashbacks and this movie came out a year before that.

Jack witnesses Holli murder Frank and only then decides to embrace his inner Doodle and stop this catastrophe from happening. He transforms into a super hero, smashes his way through the Doodle ghouls, bypasses Holli and returns the spike to its home.

The Doodles (including Doodle Jack and Frank's Noid corpse) are returned back to Cool World. I think we're supposed to feel bad Frank died from a 50 story fall, but actually it's fine because when a Doodle murders a Noid the Noid turns into a Doodle somehow. These rules are just... whatever, it doesn't matter, they are what they are.

Now Frank can fuck his Doodle girlfriend that I completely forgot to mention he has guilt-free. The end.

The marketing for this film was bananas. Paramount partnered with DC to release a prequel comic book series and set the stage for the story. They donated money to the parks department to promote the movie by plastering a cutout of Holli on the Hollywood sign, which outraged people exactly as much as you think it would. They also worked with David fucking Bowie to record a song for the soundtrack.

How, as a child of the 80s/90s and teenage fan of Brad Pitt, did I not once encounter Cool World before it randomly appeared as a free movie on YouTube?! Maybe because this had an estimated budget of 30 Million dollars and only grossed shy of half that. The plot is convoluted, the interactions between live action footage and animation never look natural, and the performance of every single one of these decent actors is terrible somehow. Kim Basinger is more of a cartoon character in the live action footage than she is animated, which is a shame because she's absolutely capable of being funny while being seductive. Cool World only solidified my #teamlaurie allegiance cause I can never look Gabriel Byrne in the eyes again. And how did Brad Pitt get cast as a detective in Se7en after his creative accent choices in this?!

So, what did we learn? Uhhhh... Don't fuck a toon, even if they look like Kim Basinger. It always ends bad.

Also, they made several Cool World video games and if I can find one I'm 100% going to play it on twitch.

[madamemiz]

i want to dissect this guy tbh

trying to figure out how to draw him

[doctorwhoisadhd]

youre a coward if you hate nardole tbh

[bueckersfudd]

okay one last thing before I log off for the holidays

Didn’t geno acknowledge at some point that part of the reason Paige is coming back for her 5th year is cause she felt like she owed him one more shot at the natty? She would do anything for him and the team but he’s just wasting her time at this point

happy holidays!

i think he has said something along those lines. there's a ton of pressure and guilt behind paige taking her fifth year and a lot of it can be blamed on him.

the whole "you're not elite if you don't win a natty" belief is weighing on her for sure. add that to the fact that she wouldn't have been the number 1 pick last year, and i have no doubt in my mind that both she and geno believe on some level that if her college career had ended in april, she would have been a bust. she might blame herself for getting injured and for certain losses but at the end of the day it's on your coach if your team isn't winning. not one player.

she'd be thriving in the w at this point if there wasn't so much pressure on her to get a natty. now she's stuck in a system that isn't benefiting her in any way, performing as a role player who was forced out of her own position.

[robosuta]

Everytime I draw them I get gender euphoria

[dearmyloveleys]

If liu mingyan can write ancient fanfiction, I just need sha hualing to get into writing gossip girl columns

[grimdarknokia]

drinking carling has so many benefits

1. cheap

2. every time you drink a beer that ISN’T carling, it tastes like heaven

[girlbob-boypants]

Mary Kirby I did believe in you but I do fear that being on social media during all of development may have caused you to...fandomize. Lucanis before the fans could.

[katie-the-bug]

It's late I'm tired have some

Unwarranted Opinions on The Solar System

The Sun: solidly middle-of-the-road star. Only really impressive in conjunction with The Moon (see below), but if it ain't broke, don't fix it. 5/10.

Mercury: A pretty uninspired start to the planets, all things considered. Venus does the whole "being hot and close to the sun" thing way better, so I don't really see the point. 0/10.

Venus: Hot, bright, instantly recognizable, and a fascinating counterpoint to Earth. 9/10 only because it doesn't have a nice big moon named Cupid or something - I feel like there was a missed opportunity there.

Earth: This might just be four billion years of evolution talking, but this planet is literally perfect. Dry land and oceans constantly changing shape and thus never getting stale; an atmosphere that filters out most dangerous radiation without being too hard to see through; a functioning magnetosphere; the list of its virtues goes on and on. And even if that somehow weren't enough, I've literally never seen another planet with life on it and that's enough to get Earth an automatic 10/10 for originality.

The Moon: THE best satellite in the entire Solar System and if you disagree we WILL fight. It's a beautiful color, its endless tiny details variably highlighted by its phases mean there's always something new to look at, and it's just the right size and distance from Earth to fully eclipse the Sun and leave only its corona and prominences exposed in the most spectacular display in space or anywhere. If you need me to explain why that makes it THE BEST I will be forced to assume you have no brain. Infinity/10, I am in love.

Mars: Basic details out of the way - I love the color and the extreme geography. Having the biggest mountain in the Solar System counts for something. Besides that, it's thematically fascinating, haunted by the ghosts of what would have been had it been able to hold on to its magnetosphere and atmosphere. I'd give it a perfect score but its dust storms have been unkind to the rovers and I neither forget nor forgive. 8/10.

Phobos & Deimos: stupid useless space potatoes. 1/10 only because Mars will have rings when Phobos finally bites it.

The Asteroid Belt: Meh. 0/10.

Ceres: It may be the only dwarf planet inside the orbit of Neptune, but it's still a dwarf planet. 2/10.

Trojans: Asteroid Belt but "artistic." 1/10.

Jupiter: impressive size, tasteful color palette, and the red spot gives it a bit of intrigue. Too many moons though. 7/10.

The Galilean Moons: fascinating orbital resonance. Shame Callisto won't get with the program. 7/10.

All of Jupiter's Other Moons: too many, and they keep finding new ones, none of which are spherical. Quantity isn't everything, guys. 3/10.

Saturn: the boring color palette is more than made up for, and the excessive number of moons justified, by those SPECTACULAR rings. No other planet has rings that beautiful. Why aren't more planets like this? 10/10.

Saturn's Moons: yeah, some of them have fun little gimmicks, but I really only like them inasmuch as they keep the rings in place. 5/10.

Uranus: the massive axial tilt is refreshingly original and the blue color is easy on the eyes. The lack of rings or memorable moons is a bit of a letdown. A lesser reviewer might make base puns but all the astronomers I know pronounce it differently and the jokes no longer land. 8/10.

Neptune: redundant. 2/10.

The Kuiper Belt: mysterious and full of comets. The Asteroid Belt could never. 6/10.

Pluto: I don't have anything against Pluto itself - the fact that it's so tiny and yet has (at least) five moons gives it a certain charm that a body like Mercury simply lacks. It's the fandom I can't stand. There are three criteria for a body to be classified as a planet, Pluto does not meet one of them, and the sentimental value you place on it and its mistaken former classification does not override this. Any appeal to the perceived injustice of Pluto's classification reveals a deep-seated hypocrisy - I don't see any of you going to bat for Eris. All that said, I will not let this nuisance compromise Pluto's rating. 9/10 for being a funny little guy.

Eris: fun fact, Eris is smaller in diameter but more massive than Pluto. Other than that, I'm not sure what it's got going for it. To be fair to Eris though, neither does anybody else. 5/10.

Haumea: It's an egg with two moons and a ring system. What more could you want? 8/10.

Other Dwarf Planets: Eh. 3/10 for mystery.

The Oort Cloud: the most distant extremity of our Solar System, full of comets and possibility. 10/10.

[chatange]

it's so funny to shitsling and vague when I'm complaining about customers. arguably the most anti liberal statement one can make

[evermoredeluxe]

No because there two white fans in particular that i follow that need to simmer down. We all fucking hate that she associated herself with that rat man but like thinking taylor was never a nice person or that she said and did things she didn’t believe in (basically calling her a racist now) is a bit much. But yeah, you got your high number of reblogs and likes, here’s your cookie.

there is a difference between supporting and helping uplift voices of poc and outright speaking over them and setting the narrative for them, and that's what i'll say.

people were upset and i get it because i personally don't like MH either and i had to grapple with her dating him, and so did everyone else. if the taylor/matty thing has made your outlook of her to the point of questioning her whole character and everything she has ever done, that's okay, but i think there's a line. and there's a certain tact and way to express opinions that lots of people on here lack because "it's tumblr dot com"

[coll2mitts]

#30 Funny Girl (1968)

Funny Girl: How Feminism Killed My Marriage!

It was only coincidence I decided to watch Funny Girl after completing my review of A Star is Born, as it hits several of the same plot points.  I honestly thought the only reason they were strikingly similar to me was because I viewed them back-to-back, but then two videos I watched about the Broadway production noted this as well, so I didn't feel entirely unjustified.  Man with lots of money discovers woman before she becomes a star.  They start a obviously doomed relationship and get married right as the wife's career starts to take off.  The husband struggles with his own vices to the detriment of his wife's career, and ultimately their relationship ends because the husband is too proud and can't handle the fact their spouse makes more money than them.  The end.

Although I don't think the plot is necessarily the reason to watch this movie (the reason is to watch Barbra Streisand be the most Barbra Streisand she can be), it is a fictionalized retelling of the rise of real-life burlesque star Fanny Brice and her relationship with her first husband Nick Arnstein.  From all accounts this leans pretty heavy on the fictionalized, as Nicky was married when he and Fanny began their affair, it took him 6 years to get divorced from his previous wife to marry Fanny, and Fanny eventually divorced him because she was sick of him fucking around on her.  Even though her love life was tumultuous, Fanny's career is what made her special, which is why it's a bit annoying that in the majority of this movie it takes a backseat to her fascination with a useless pretty boy.  Although real-life Fanny's character was a Jewish characture, she helped in revising the criteria of what kinds of women could be famous performers.  Beyond a good body and a pretty face, personality and talent were enough to gain notoriety.  Although let's be real, it's not like Fanny was hideous or anything.

Barbra originated this role on Broadway, and it was tailor made to her talents.  Check out the videos linked from Staged Right for a great summary of how the show was created, how Barbra was cast against the wishes of Fanny's non-fictional daughter, and what a seemingly contentious run the Broadway musical had.  When Columbia bought the rights to the show, it was with the understanding Barbra would reprise the role on film. And oh boy, guys, this is probably one of the best love letters to a leading actress I've ever seen committed to celluloid.

Picture it: New York, 1920s. Fanny Brice, with her name in lights on the Ziegfeld Follies marquis, soberly enters backstage and greets herself in a sound clip I used as a log-in alert on AIM for like 6 years. Giving off "I'm going to retire" energy, Fanny wanders the stage and loiters in the empty theater until her assistant Emma finds her and cryptically asks "This is the day, isn't it?". Fanny confirms, and free of context I have no idea if this woman is making a comeback, or leaving showbusiness, or running away to join the circus. When Emma mentions that Ziegfeld is waiting for her, Fanny disassociates and we're treated to a flashback a few years earlier...

Picture it: New York, 1910s. A young Fanny Brice's neighbors are reading her for filth on her appearance and mocking her for having dreams of singing stardom.

I think this is the only ensemble number that doesn't take place on stage.  Any solo or duet numbers with any character that aren't Fanny, like Eddie, Mrs. Brice, and Nick, have been cut so Barbra is on screen almost 100% of the time.  I was genuinely shocked later on when Omar Sharif started singing because I forgot this was something someone other than Barbra was allowed to do.

Fanny heads to her new gig as a beautiful Arabian lady and is immediately fired for not knowing the routine and hamming it up the entire fucking time. The theater owner Mr. Keeney scolds the director Eddie Ryan for even casting such a goof while Fanny refuses to be dismissed and sings and dances her way around until they're forced to physically escort her out of the theater.

Mid-rant, and after accosting a few children, she breaks back in only to find everyone gone except Eddie, who after hearing her pipes asks why she even considered auditioning for a chorus girl when clearly she's a belter. I giggled uncontrollably when Fanny answered, "If you were looking for a juggler, I'd have been a juggler", cause girl, same. When I was a kid I legitimately auditioned for a part in Harlequin that required juggling skills full-well knowing I couldn't, and when asked to prove I could after the singing portion was acceptable, the ensuing display of athletic prowess cemented the fact I would absolutely not be chosen.

I tried googling this musical and I can't find evidence it ever existed. Maybe it was some public school choir teacher's passion project they only got to see kids perform once a year after a 3 week summer camp? Or maybe I had a fever dream when I was 10 and hallucinated being in it? IDK, help me out here.

Eddie decides to give Fanny a second chance at the chorus after she assures him she can roller skate, even though it was a bold-faced lie. After falling on her ass 20 times, which froths the audience into a frenzy, Eddie allows Fanny to sing a solo. Her unique blend of comedy, talent, and the sudden ability to skate once she's getting sole attention from everyone, wins over Mr. Kenney and Fanny is tentatively offered a permanent position.

"Honey hurry up, hurry up, hurry up..." is Barbra's signature slurry phrasing at its peak.

Fanny's shenanigans also catch the eye of a ridiculously attractive gambler Nicky Arnstein, who successfully hustles Mr. Kenney to hire Fanny for $50 a week, but is unsuccessful in asking Fanny out. She shrugs off his advances after surmising she is well out of his league, but oh my god, how the hell would anyone turn down Omar Sharif? I am not that strong willed.

According to Wikipedia, this is the fourth movie on this list that almost cast Frank Sinatra (previous ones including A Star is Born, The Music Man, and Easter Parade). For as much as y'all know I love Frankie, whoever suggested him over Omar should be well and truly slapped.

Several months later, there's a commotion on Henry street when the Brice's receive a telegram, and once the shock that someone hadn't died worn off, they're left in the wake of Ziegfeld's request for Fanny to come by his theater and audition. She reacts in a completely reasonable way.

Unsurprisingly, she aces the audition, and after fighting with Ziegfeld over how beautiful he thinks she is verses how she thinks she's not, she turns his new finale number from a bizarre ode to seasonal brides into a comedy act about a shotgun wedding in order to deflect anticipated criticism away from her face.

Peek a small cameo from Anne Francis, whose part was cut down so much she tried to get herself removed from the credits altogether. It's fine, instead she'll forever be known as the woman who pranked Dorothy Zbornak by pretending to die while beating her at tennis.

Fanny averts termination even though she deliberately ignored the directions of the director, again, because she's too much of a hit. She rides the high of bossing around Ziegfeld right into the arms of Nicky, who just so happens to be there on her opening night. This time she takes him back to her mother's saloon and he politely allows her friends and family to clean out his pockets at poker even though he's a bit of a professional gambler.

After charming the entire block, Nicky convinces Fanny to follow him to a second location out into the alley so they can be alone, and like, sure, this is a colossally bad idea, but how do you say no to that smile? After establishing both of them are single, Nicky adds more red flags to the parade of them by saying he's been with thousands of women because he likes to feel free and never has definite plans. Fanny reacts to this information by babbling incoherently about how some people kinda like being in relationships and Nicky kisses her to shut her up before riding off into the night.

I would die. Just drop dead right there, thank you and good night, it's been a good life.

Flash forward AN ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR and Fanny randomly runs into Nick again at a train station in Baltimore while the Follies are on their national tour. He invites her to dinner in a private dining room at their hotel, and while she momentarily pretends to be aloof, once inside she does exactly what I would do immediately if left alone in a room with Omar Sharif in 1967.

Fanny asks why Nicky never called on her a year and two weeks ago and he explicitly says he could smell the virgin all over her and didn't think she could hang. When asked what has changed now, he replies, "If you don't, it's time you learned."

So... they bone, and continue to bone the entire week the Follies are in town. Unfortunately after 7 days Nicky's racehorse turned into a pumpkin and he has to leave Fanny behind to board a boat to Europe to scam a bunch of bored dudes out of money since he doesn't have any anymore. Of course Nicky confesses to Fanny he's suddenly in love, so instead of going their separate ways after a brief sexcapade, Fanny abandons the show and makes a big romantic gesture by taking a tugboat to Nicky's waterborne casino to surprise him. Her coworkers try to convince Fanny this is a colossally bad idea and you could anger a million bulls with all the red flags Nicky's waving, but she simply. cannot say no. to that smile. I would make a joke that his dick must be legendary but she wouldn't know any better if it wasn't.

Oh look, another helicopter shot from the 1960s that's a million times better than the one in A Hard Day's Night.

Sidenote: Every time I hear "the sun's a ball of butter" I first cringe because I hate that line, and secondly think of this skit.

This was Barbra's first film role, by the way.  Not that she wasn't well-known at this point - her voice was already acknowledged as one of the greats before she even turned 30.  But she steals the camera in every freaking scene, especially this one when Fanny's clearly making the dumbest mistake ever.  You root for Fanny; you want her to succeed in both life and love because Barbra is so charming.  She won a Best Actress Oscar for this performance, and it's incredibly easy to see why.

To the surprise of everyone (even Fanny), Nick is ecstatic to see her - so ecstatic he only giggles when the porter calls him "Mr. Brice" instead of going on a several-day bender that ends with him crashing Fanny's Oscar acceptance speech.  Of course Fanny plays the "please pick me, I'll never tie you down" card, only to THIRTY SECONDS LATER suggest to Nick that usually when two people love each other, they get married.  Instead of jumping off of the boat and swimming toward the shore, Nick informs Fanny if he can win his huge payday, she'll get a husband.  After much distress on Fanny's part, Nick later returns to the room with a big wad of cash, and they immediately return home to play house for a while.

Fanny went from on the road living like a mouse to being blissfully happy with a husband, a mansion, servants and a baby.  But the other shoe finally starts to drop when Nicky's hot streak turns cold.  While he's losing the house on oil fields that produce no oil, Fanny is headlining in a show, putting Nicky's ego in check.  With a famous wife, his more-frequent losses are being broadcast around both his gambling community and society at large.  When Fanny realizes Nick is drowning after he skips her show's opening night for a poker game, she sets up a scheme where his buddy Tom would approach Nick with a legit job offer running a local casino.  After Tom informs Nick he wouldn't have to pony up start-up cash to make him a partner because his experience conning wealthy gentlemen was valuable enough, Nick smells the deception from a mile away and refuses the position because apparently it's incredibly embarrassing for your wife to network for you.

In an effort to get back on top, Nick decides to participate in an scammy bond scheme, gets caught, and pleads guilty to the crime so it doesn't look like he's stupid enough to agree to something without knowing how fucking illegal it is.  Fanny goes to court to see Nick before they ship him off to prison for a few years, and when he tries to end the relationship by telling Fanny he will never be able to support her, Fanny asks him to reconsider. If Nick feels the same way when he gets out, she won't fight him on the divorce.

The absolute paranoia of a world where women could make more money than their husbands is fucking ridiculous to me.  In both A Star is Born and Funny Girl, the moment the universe takes away the man's ability to monetarily provide for his family he suddenly feels as if he has nothing to contribute.  His masculinity and his ego get in the way of being truly proud of his wife.  The women are both willing to entirely give up their careers to take care of their deadbeat husbands (even asserting in public they should be referred to by their husband's last name), which is baffling on its own, but they've already made the irreversibly irredeemable crime of perusing success, even when their husbands initially encouraged it.  All I learn from these stories is that men want strong women, strong enough where he can brag about them, but not strong enough to overshadow them.  If that starts to happen, the wife needs to intuitively shrink in order to give their husband the chance to catch up.

One thing you can't fault Nicky for is hiding his true nature. He told Fanny exactly who he was when they first met.  He never had a set schedule because he wanted to feel free.  She was Woman and he was Man, and she should be smaller so he can be taller.  He might have cosplayed as a dependable dude for a few years, but ultimately he reverted back to his default.

Flash forward to the beginning of the movie, where we finally discover that Nick had been released from prison and Fanny would find out the state of their relationship before she went on stage.  She warns Ziegfeld that if Nick wants to give it another shot she's going to quit the show, because being a housewife will be the only thing to placate Nick's fragile masculinity.  Thankfully she doesn't need to keep that promise, because when the pair are finally reunited she can tell by his behavior that this dude is about to drop the hammer.  Fanny preemptively ends things, and then goes on stage to sing about her heartbreak.

The end of the movie differs from the musical in a pretty significant way as Fanny belts a lament for the end of her marriage.  Barbra insisted singing the vocals at the end of the song live, and had Omar Sharif recite the line "You are beautiful" to her before each take to make her more emotional. It worked - I cry every time I watch the end of this movie.

"My Man" was a song the real-life Fanny Brice popularized in the Ziegfeld Follies Broadway show, which is the only reason it appears here, ending this depressing story on a weak downbeat that legitimately shocked me when the credits rolled.  In the Funny Girl musical, Fanny goes through a variety of emotions that reprise the songs in the show - bitter and sad, but ultimately victorious with a powerful rendition of "Don't Rain on My Parade."  I can only attribute this change as the beginning of the 1970s bummer parade of weird musicals that make you want to slit your wrists on the way out.

And if this wasn't enough, several years later they filmed a sequel to this, Funny Lady, about Fanny Brice's relationship with her second husband Billy Rose, who was just as shitty of a partner as Nick Arnstein was. Their marriage also ends in divorce, so if you want to watch the same movie as Funny Girl but with a clunkier script just to get 10 minutes of Omar Sharif reprising his role as Nicky being as sleezebaggy as ever, don't bother. It's not worth it.

Funny Girl is a show that will forever be associated with Barbra, to the point where its protagonist Fanny is more of a fictionalized character than a real-life previously-breathing human being. This movie is fairly entertaining, although it clearly reflects the ideals of its time. If you like Barbra, it's a must-see. If not, avoid it at all costs, cause there's nothing else here other than her.

Except a hunky Omar Sharif being stupidly charming. There is also that.

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[snekdood]

bitches really be treating you like a dumb bimbo when you're blonde huh

[gaytobymeres]

Aw man

[blueberry-gills]

I was...unaware that the term 'main character' could be applied to real people. Um. ...hm. I don't know how to feel about this. I think.