#this post makes me sound better at german than i actually am | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jodilin65 · 9 years ago

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TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2015 Making my final entry of the month to say that Tom might get a job promotion, but we don’t know yet for sure. It has to do with taking over the position of somebody who’s going on maternity leave, and we hope to learn something soon, one way or the other.

We went bike riding after he got home and ate, and now I’m listening to the sounds of the wind chimes because it is a bit breezy out there tonight. It’s supposed to be cool and rainy on Sunday, but you know how it usually works… there probably won’t be any rain.

MONDAY, MARCH 30, 2015 Just thought I would rant. Andy’s memory loss issues are so frustrating. It’s not just an occasional thing either; I constantly have to go over the same things with him, and it’s not always easy to be patient. It’s frustrating to tell him something because I know it’s a 50-50 chance he’ll remember it. It feels like I’m sending my words down a garbage disposal instead of into someone’s ears when I talk to him.

I believe that the 30 years he smoked pot likely contributed to his memory issues. However, I still wonder at times how much of it may be just plain selfishness and not caring enough to listen to the things I say. He asked me if I ever tried Nutrisystem’s food, so I searched my 2014 journal and found I had mentioned it 30 times. Thirty times! I also mentioned it to him on Ask and posted a picture when the food arrived on Facebook, which I know he saw. How many times can you tell someone the same thing before it sticks?

Not too long ago, I told him I was tired of the translation game where he’d post a picture with writing in another language for me to translate, and what does he do? He goes and posts a German quote and asks me to translate it.

He has been known in the past to be insensitive and even enjoy annoying, grossing out, and offending people, so what am I to think? It’s like how someone gets a prank phone call and my name is the first one they think of. However, I wasn’t always guilty, so maybe he isn’t always messing with me either, as I sometimes suspect. I suspect his doctor doesn’t understand the extent of his memory issues because I doubt he would come out and say, “By the way, Doc, I smoked weed for 30 years.”

Andy is one of those people I will always love and hate at the same time. Well, hate might be too strong a word, but I certainly have mixed emotions. A part of me wishes he didn’t have so much free time on his hands, but I know I would miss him if he suddenly weren’t around.

Later…

My period is now three weeks late, and I’m still wondering when, if ever, it’s going to show up. Tom and I both think I’ll get it sooner or later. I swear I feel these little pre-cramps, signaling that it’s about to begin, but then it never does. I hope there is nothing wrong with me, though neither of us thinks there is. I just had an exam not too long ago after all.

I’m just so tired of the long-drawn-out PMS phases. Nobody should have more than a few days to a week of PMS. Instead, I feel like I spend half my life PMSing.

Whenever I worry that something may kill me before I am old or before Tom dies, since I plan to go when he goes, I remind myself that the cursed don’t usually die young. If I’m right about being cursed throughout much of my life, then why would it kill me now? After all, if I’m dead, it can’t have its fun with me. This theory gives me a little hope that maybe if there is an afterlife, it truly is better than this life. If it weren’t, then why not just hurry up and kill me if it does harbor any hatred for me?

Although I’ve been a little better, death and dying are still on my mind too much. Too often, my mind plays out different scenarios of how the end may come. I worry that no matter how or when I die, I won’t go as peacefully as my parents and brother were said to have gone, and that I will suffer great agony in the end. And what if the afterlife is actually much, much worse?

While I still feel like I have many different things to look forward to in life, I also feel like life is one big waiting game and I’m just making the best of it until it ends. Technically, I suppose that’s all any of us can do.

When I’m in a gloomy mood, it’s easier to focus on the negative aspects of life, just like it’s easier to focus on the positive aspects when I’m in a better mood. His income is a great example of that. The most important thing in life is to be able to pay for the things you need. There is absolutely no doubt about that, and I meant it when I said that I would be grateful for just that much even if there was never any extra money. However, I can’t help but feel insulted for my husband and his year 2000 income. The average income is 50K these days, according to a chart I read that lists yearly averages from 1952 on up. So then why is my husband, who has worked very hard for so many years, making 32K without overtime? Twenty- and thirty-year-olds make twice as much, yet here he is busting his ass off for an income fit for 15 years ago. Even in Maricopa, he wasn’t making the national average. He was still 5-6 years behind even then. So what is he going to do, get paid an income fit for 2005 in 2025?

If I weren’t cursed with my schedule problem and was paid fairly, we could be making a total of 100K. Instead, we get a measly 32K. I’m just tired of being cheated when it comes to money. I should be getting disability benefits. I should have inherited a lot more than I did.

Life is never fair, he says. True, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I accept it. I expect it. But I definitely don’t like it.

Yes, my sleep disorder is one of my biggest curses, which sometimes gets me down. We rescheduled the ear doctor for later in the week, but there’s no way I can make it. I don’t feel bad for having to cancel because she did it to me, but it’s just one more thing I have to deal with. I still feel like all these appointments are having the cockroach effect where they keep breeding and multiplying. I’m hoping against hope that after I see my endo doc and have my foot followed up on, I can schedule appointments for both my eyes and ears, and catch a break over the summer.

I try to look at the good in my schedule-less life, although it is not always easy to do. Life would be more convenient if I were always on days, but then I would have to listen to the daytime noise about 20 days a month instead of about 10 days a month. Being on nights not only allows me to enjoy the peace and quiet, but it also allows me to go out exercising during the summer nights when it’s cooler.

I have been getting lazy again where my story is concerned. I always seem to be off to a good start, but then somewhere between 5K-10K words, I get tired of it.

Later…

Thought I’d start my entry while my food is cooling. Then I am going to eat and do some cleaning. After that’s done I will return to finish this entry. There really isn’t anything to update on, though. Once it’s cooler and traffic dies down around 9 or 10 this evening, I will go out walking.

In last night’s dream, the Kim that I briefly knew down in Arizona was responsible for committing some huge crime that somehow affected me along with many others. I was so pissed off that I threatened to kill her if she ever got out of prison and I was able to find her.

In another dream, Tom had his own apartment way up in a high-rise building. LOL, what’s up with that?

In yet another dream, I was at Valleyhead. Fun. :( I awoke in the dark parking lot in a van. Maybe I fell asleep after some of us were out somewhere and nobody wanted to wake me up. It was pitch black when I stepped out of the van. I couldn’t even see where the house was. I looked up toward the sky, trying to see if I could make out its roof against the sky but couldn’t. I knew it had rained recently and that there would be puddles scattered around the ground. I then realized I had on my nice new white slippers and that they would get filthy as I trekked through the muddy water.

Once inside the building, the sun was coming up and I looked at my bed longingly (the bottom bunk in a huge room), wishing I could return to sleep.

Instead, I went to shower with my slippers on in hopes of cleansing the mud from them.

When I was done, a blonde girl who might’ve been Maria raised her head from one of the upper bunks 2-3 bunks away from mine. She called to me in a hushed tone since most of the others were still asleep, and I walked over to her. My father was still alive in this dream apparently, because when she insisted that my dad and my brother left their glasses behind the last time they visited and that they were in the office, I said, ”I’m pretty sure my dad would’ve returned for the glasses by now, and my brother is dead, so that can’t be.”

For some reason, she seemed skeptical and I seemed offended, but then I turned to go through some important papers because I was getting ready to leave the place for good.

SUNDAY, MARCH 29, 2015 Well, we didn’t finish the painting yesterday, but it has been completed today. Next weekend, I plan to touch up spots that were missed with an artist’s brush. Some of the grooves were challenging to cover with the larger brush, particularly sections near the trim or ceiling. The drop cloths effectively protected the desk, washer, and dryer from paint, but we didn’t bother with the floor since it's due for replacement.

During a bike ride, the direct sunlight made it uncomfortably warm, so we didn’t stay out long. We rode down to the lake and fed the ducks.

I really wish they would ban those loud car stereos on the freeway once and for all. It’s frustrating that expressing an opinion seems difficult, yet disturbing the peace is tolerated.

In last night’s dream, we were vacationing in Hawaii. I may have had two dreams—one where we were considering moving there permanently. I enjoyed swimming in a pool and felt the same magical pull as our first visit. Tom didn't share the sentiment, so we decided not to move there.

In another scene, we admired the lush green grass of a lawn, a stark contrast to the drought-stricken area we're accustomed to. While out walking, Tom asked if we should explore a different area of Hawaii next time, to which I agreed.

We walked through a makeshift hotel where Tom amusedly commented on the proliferation of rooms. He helped a woman and her granddaughter with a gadget, delaying our plans slightly, which mildly annoyed me.

I just finished watching an episode of Forensic Files featuring a black Florida man who was tried and acquitted ten times for violent crimes before finally being convicted. It's frustratingly typical.

SATURDAY, MARCH 28, 2015 Tom hopes to finish the painting in the laundry room today, but life doesn’t always go according to plan, so we'll see.

The daytime weather has been beautiful, but it’s still chilly in the early mornings.

In one of last night’s dreams, I was staying in a large, two-story house with my sister and nieces. I occupied a cluttered bedroom with its own bathroom, a level of disarray my sister would never tolerate in real life. One night, I retired early before my nieces (Tammy was out somewhere).

The following morning, I asked them if they entered my room for any reason, but they denied it, though I could have sworn someone tiptoed in at some point.

In another dream, something was amiss with me, seemingly related to a medication I was taking rather than any underlying illness (hopefully not a warning sign!). I found myself in a large room with several people, and at one point, Mary G (now Mary D) approached me. She looked great, slim and trim with her hair pulled back in a long, thick wavy ponytail to her waist. She wore a summery dress and sandals with a 2 or 3-inch heel.

She approached me as if our real-life falling out hadn't occurred (over her use of me and her trust issues) and asked if everything was okay. I don't recall my reply, but I seemed to be crying as I responded. She mentioned something about either avoiding or reducing a certain medication, then walked away.

Later, I watched a prison documentary featuring her, though no such documentary existed in reality.

In the last dream, I held a small rabbit that bit me before it leaped out of my arms and started hopping away. A cat started chasing it, and I secretly hoped the cat would catch it for biting me.

Later…

The latest incident involves three individuals who attacked a white man on a subway simply for his opinion (or lack thereof) on Michael Brown. It's shameful that bystanders didn't intervene to help the victim but instead recorded the incident. Sadly, defending whites seems uncommon these days.

It's sickening. If they want acceptance in society, this isn't the way to achieve it. But many seem to accept these aggressive individuals who react violently to differing opinions.

Unfortunately, even if the perpetrators are caught, they might not be charged with the hate crime they should be. There are evident double standards in today's society. Blacks seem to get away with far too much while falsely claiming racism.

It's disheartening to witness the continued blaming of others and making excuses for their actions. The focus should be on taking responsibility for one's behavior.

I've encountered racism firsthand and heard numerous similar experiences. I could never hate someone for their race, but behavior is a different matter. I refuse to feel guilty for expressing negative feelings toward individuals or groups who cause harm.

I've learned that knowledge is power, and as long as I abide by blogging laws and avoid providing sensitive information or making direct threats, I'm within my rights to express my opinions.

I'll keep this entry private for my cousin Norma's sake, who inexplicably still sympathizes with these individuals. While I empathize with victims from the past, I refuse to condone violence as a means of seeking justice for historical injustices.

It's disheartening that some individuals resort to violence to advance in life. I'm frustrated by the prevalence of news about violent acts committed by certain groups.

I wish I could opt out of trending news, but to stay connected with loved ones on Facebook, I'm inundated with such content.

FRIDAY, MARCH 27, 2015 "When we laugh or scorn others who are different from us or who do things differently than we do, we are not only being mean, insensitive, and judgmental, but we are also being hypocritical in a sense, since we don’t want anybody laughing or judging us in return."

I completely resonate with the sentiment in the quote above. I often wonder what annoys me more: when people try to impose their beliefs on me or when they try to impose their interests on me.

Just when I thought this rat had stopped its random screaming, I was startled by it again last night. It caught me off guard enough that I yelled at it to shut up. Maybe it’s a game to the rat, and perhaps I should scream back? It’s both annoying and amusing, considering I've had rats since 1998, yet this behavior is still entirely new to me.

The other day, Tom mentioned that the room was spinning so badly when he got up that it took him a few attempts just to make it to the bathroom. His inner ear sometimes gets clogged up, and it was a while before he could even eat.

I slept kind of poorly because I kept waking up frequently, and one of those times was due to a sharp pain in the sole of my right foot.

I only recall a few seconds of last night’s dream. Once again, I found myself living with my mother (almost as bad as being chased by a monster), and our house was situated down a long winding driveway. At the end of the driveway, it went up a bit of a hill before descending into a clearing where the house stood, reminiscent of the location of the trailer in Auburn. However, instead of a dumpy old trailer, there was a large two-story house.

On a dark and rainy night, both my mother and I appeared relieved at the sight of the house. I remarked, "Ah, nothing like a warm bed awaiting us." Then, I looked at her and said, "Aren’t you glad to be able to go to bed now?" She nodded and then pressed a button on a remote, illuminating the kitchen lights.

THURSDAY, MARCH 26, 2015 Once again, I woke up with a scratchy throat, feeling almost as if there’s a dry spot in it. It won’t last long, but I just don’t understand it. I also keep feeling like my period is right around the corner, though it never comes. Despite sleeping well enough, I feel tired. My schedule shifted a whopping four hours, which is unusual for me��I usually only jump one or two. It wasn’t that I slept particularly long; rather, I was up very late last night. I just couldn’t sleep.

My toe might have oozed a bit during the night, so I soaked it in Epsom salt and decided to skip today’s walk. It still doesn’t hurt, though.

Yesterday, Tom and I went bike riding, and then I made us some pork chops when we got back to the house. Unfortunately, there was a lot of traffic at the time.

The weather is absolutely gorgeous now—neither too warm nor too cold, and perfectly dry.

Yesterday, the Forever in Blue Jeans figurines, along with the bronze statue, arrived. The erotic statue is okay, but I am more impressed with the others than I thought I would be. Even Tom likes them.

I’m recreating a collectibles chart in Word, adding little thumbnails of each collectible. Sometimes I just can’t remember who's who.

My weight is starting to become concerning. I usually don’t go to bed with a weight higher than 152 pounds before my periods. Last night, I was at 154.8. I managed to drop to around 153.4 before falling asleep, but I still woke up half a pound heavier than yesterday. It's only weight, right?

I know 2 pounds might not seem significant to most people, but for me, at my age and height, and considering I've remained within a pretty small weight range for years, it's troubling. I'm almost never under 147 or over 152. Some of it could be water weight, but the drastic fluctuations after eating suggest otherwise. I’ll definitely mention this to the doctor, as the constant water retention and super slow metabolism are really getting to me at times. I can’t seem to eat anything without gaining weight, not even an 80-calorie yogurt. I just doubt that she can help me any more than the ear doctor can.

I know technically my body wouldn’t gain weight it didn’t feel it needed. Like Tom says, my heart beats at the speed it needs to beat. However, since I do work out and I don’t overeat every single day, yet the weight hangs on, it's frustrating. I’ll have to find some way to finally reach acceptance and let my weight go wherever it’s meant to go if there’s truly nothing that can be done about it.

Next door continues to make two to three trips out a day, and I still can’t imagine where these people could be going so often seven days a week. Everyone else around us comes and goes zero to one time a day. At least I know there won’t be any projects going on during those 30 minutes to two hours that they’re out.

These landscapers are driving me insane like never before! Why are they doing this twice a day? They've been worse than ever, even during the winter. They won’t stop, and they can’t be drowned out. Joy obviously doesn’t care that we pay them hundreds of dollars each month. All she cares about is that everybody else complains if they’re not out there every day. I can’t believe people would actually want to listen to this every single day. The majority of them must be deafer than deaf. The equipment they use is so loud that I have to blast music or nature sounds to drown them out. They’re not even that close to the house, which shows how insanely loud they are. If they’re going to do this every day, I don’t understand why they don’t use quieter equipment. I also don’t understand why they feel the need to keep doing the same areas over and over every single day when other places do this once a week. There’s nothing about our plants and trees that grow faster than anyone else's. I’m just so sick and tired of hearing these things buzzing about every single day.

Today has turned out to be a really interesting day. Firstly, it was great to catch up with my sister yesterday. I had been worried about her as she has been feeling rather trapped and depressed. She’s highly allergic to the palm trees around her and has been unable to work not just because of allergies, but also because of other health problems, mostly concerning her lungs and heart. It’s sad because she was so excited about training to be a victim’s advocate, but that will have to wait. It seems that the only good thing she’s gotten out of Florida so far is the climate itself. Otherwise, she and Mark have had really bad luck so far. :(

She sent me a selfie, and she looks absolutely different. I wouldn’t recognize her. She’s gained weight, and her hair is half gray, half blond, much to my surprise. Tom thought she looked good, though, considering all she’s been through. Sometimes I still worry that she won’t make it much longer, but other times I am confident that she will.

The interesting part is that the lovely English actress Jenny Seagrove started following me on Twitter. I had a dream about her a few nights ago where my deceased mother sent me to live with her in London because the economy was bad. Anyway, I mentioned this to Jenny in a tweet and told her I had been a fan of hers since the '90s.

I actually went to see her in a horror movie with Andy in 1990 in Springfield, Massachusetts. It was called The Guardian. She was in her early 30s at the time. I liked both the movie and her, and even had a little crush on her for a while.

I haven’t been into celebrities since the '90s and see them as no more or less human than anybody else. In fact, I look down upon some of them and find them to be horrible role models for youngsters these days. I could walk by the most famous of celebrities right this second and not be any more fazed than if I walked by a total nobody. I admit I often roll my eyes at those who drool over celebrities as if they’re magical little gods. However, I can’t deny that I was quite flattered to find she followed me after I started following her. Had somebody told me this would happen over 20 years ago when I was having fun printing stills I made from her videos, which was then a relatively new thing, I would have laughed my ass off.

I guess I will watch what I say on Twitter, within reason, and curb my swearing and things like that, even though I don’t expect her to actually see most of my tweets. Also, even though I doubt she would read it, much less be offended if she did, I will not share the link to this blog post on Twitter either.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 2015 Although my toe stung and throbbed last night, I didn’t wake up with the achy toe I expected today. When the other doctor treated my toe, I woke up several times in pain. It just shows how much better this doctor is—she did a far better job.

It took me a few minutes to snip the bandage off this morning. I thought the toe would look kind of gross, but it doesn’t, and I’m not walking with a limp either. However, it doesn’t mean I should hit the treadmill just yet. I soaked it in Epsom salt and decided not to put a Band-Aid on it yet so I could let it air out for a while. Band-Aids can actually slow the healing process.

The doctor seemed really understanding that what happened last summer put a complex on me when it comes to all things medical. Even though I have improved immensely, the fears caused by such trauma don’t usually dissipate in just days or even weeks; it takes months. I still worry that my heart may race even on just 50 mcg. Living in fear is terrible. When nothing is actually happening to me, I worry that it will. However, I have no doubt that each month passing without incident will make it easier for me.

In last night’s dreams, my mother was still alive, and apparently, I was living with her. The economy was really bad, so she wanted to close up the house and have us go live somewhere else until the recession ended. She went to stay with a friend and then she sent me to the home of the actress Jenny Seagrove, LOL.

She had a huge house, and there were always tons of fun things to do in and around her house. She and I eventually became more than friends. She had a huge pool with a slide that ran down into another pool, which sort of wound around part of her property like a moat. Even though I had just taken a shower, the water was so beautiful that I wanted to take another swim.

Next thing I knew, Becky, my VH sister, was in the pool with me. She said, ”I’m always just a few minutes and one phone call away.” I was touched at how much she still cared about me and went to hug her. She stiffened up and kind of pushed me away, though. I thought it was a bit strange, but I was having too much fun to really care.

TUESDAY, MARCH 24, 2015 We were on our way to the ear specialist this morning when I realized I'd received a message earlier saying she’d called out for the day. Initially, I was annoyed that I hadn’t checked my messages before leaving the house. However, we decided to seize the opportunity and headed to Home Depot, where we picked up some more painting brushes and an 8’ strip of rainbow tape lighting.

After returning home, we had to rush out again in 20 minutes for the podiatrist, so this will be a rather quick entry.

My heart started racing yesterday when I sat down to watch a show and eat some crackers. My first thought was, oh no, you've got to be kidding me?! Then I experienced stomach pains followed by the runs. I'm hoping it was just something I ate that was bad (maybe the milk in the cereal I had earlier?).

Later…

Just got back from a little unexpected toe surgery. I mean, I knew she was going to do this; I just didn’t expect it to be today. Sensing my anxiety, she decided it would be best to just go ahead and get it over with, and I’m glad she did, even though I'm now swapping in lidocaine for pain as the numbness wears off. It's throbbing and stinging, just like last time.

Doctor M was great, and I already gave her a rave review on Yelp. She was very friendly, and very skinny too, LOL, like she never eats. I'd guess her to be somewhere in her 30s. She was blond, blue-eyed, and American, so I didn't have to deal with any funky accents. Her assistant was also American and very friendly.

She killed the root on the left side of the toe, so the ingrown toenail has only a 10% chance of growing back. This doctor was much better than that hotshot quack I used to see. She poured cold water with some chemical in it as she was numbing me, which made it easier. The other doctor just shot me up raw. This doctor said that was cruel. Yeah, it kinda was, LOL. She also used one of those tourniquets you tie on instead of the ring that the other doctor slipped on my toe.

Recovery could take a while, so I may be limping around for several days. No working out for me for a while either, so I gotta watch what I eat as my hypothyroidism hasn’t improved as much as I wish it would.

The chemical she used to burn the root may cause oozing at times because a blister forms afterward. I have to soak it in Epsom salt each day, and I have ibuprofen if the pain gets to me.

As for the fungus that’s in 4 of the nails… she said it’s a simple surface fungus (onychomycosis) and can be treated with an over-the-counter remedy. She said to make an appointment if it’s still present in 6 months or if the toe she worked on develops any problems. There’s always a risk of infection. I will have a follow-up appointment the day after I see my endo.

I keep hoping all these damn appointments will slow down soon, but it seems they never do. I still have to reschedule the ear specialist and get my eyes dealt with.

I had positive dreams for once, so that was nice. In one dream, we were staying at a hotel. I came back to the room after being out somewhere to find the housekeeper cleaning away, and then some guy said I won some expensive power tools and $2500 cash. I hope the cash win was a good sign for whenever we go to Reno, which may be a while due to the snow up in the mountains, and my toe.

MONDAY, MARCH 23, 2015 Tom and I have been tossing around the idea of one day doing a Euro trip where we would sweep through most of the countries in Europe. I couldn’t help but laugh at the thought of seeing Irene in Austria and Christiane in Germany, knowing full well they would mention it to Nane. Imagine what would be going through her mind! LMAO! Either way, it would be cool to visit my cyber friends over there—Adonis in the Netherlands, Mitch in Wales, and Christian in Norway. Not saying this will happen, but it’s a nice thought.

Yesterday, my throat felt a bit off and I felt a bit run down, too. I wrote it off to my never-ending PMS, but today I feel just fine, so I don’t know what that was all about. I only slept six hours, yet I feel more awake today than I did yesterday. The fact that menopause is setting in is pretty exciting! :)

I took a walk this morning, and it must have rained last night because the roads were wet. Sure enough, that damn flag is already wrapped around its pole, even though we paid extra for an add-on that’s supposed to prevent that.

It is so wonderful to be able to do simple things like walk around the block when Tom’s not home and not have to fear that my heart is going to start racing. I really hope my endocrinologist isn’t going to try to increase my dosage over 50 mcg when I see her in a few weeks. I realize I will never lose the extra weight I could stand to lose, but I don’t see how they can safely speed up my metabolism without putting me through the hell I went through last year. I don’t want to feel like shit just to look better.

Yesterday, we started painting the laundry room light blue. It is going to look so much better! It brightens it up tremendously. Going from brown paneling to light blue is like flicking a light switch on in that room. It just may take us a few days because the paint doesn’t adhere well to the slick paneling. The last owners had already whited out most of the house, so most of the place only needed one coat of paint, but this room is going to need two coats. This is the last of the raw paneling we will ever have to paint. Thank goodness!

Even without the paneling, this room is tough to paint. It’s small, but we have to go around doors, windows, and cabinets, as well as the washer and dryer. Tom is doing most of it because he is better at it than I am. It certainly helps to be taller when painting.

After this, all that will be left to paint are the bathrooms. This should be easier, although we do have to be careful when we go around the shower stalls, and painting around the toilets might be a bit of a challenge, too. That’s where my being small helps.

Gaudy or not, childish or not, I am having so much fun picking out future wall decals to stick on the newly painted walls. As most of you know, I already have a handful of wall stickers around the house—mostly flowers, dancers, skaters, gymnasts, and one strawberry rat with a black eye mixed in. :)

Currently, we have a white silhouette of a dancer in heels that is the largest decal at 72 inches stuck on the front door. To the sides of her are roses. On the opposite wall are purple flowers with butterflies as well as some hanging ivy.

In the kitchen, there are pink tulips and some butterflies.

The small section of wall across from the kitchen has a black silhouette of an eye, some butterflies, and some flowers stemming from the base. Those flowers are going to be replaced because I’m not happy with the way they came out. They are red and yellow-gold, which does not look good on a bold pink background. I intend to replace this with a black silhouette of a figure skater that is 31 inches tall.

Dotted along the hallway is a scattering of butterflies.

The master bedroom has pink and purple flowers plus butterflies. The master bathroom will eventually have pink flowers as well as a black silhouette of a gymnast. She will be sitting with one leg extended and her arms raised overhead. She is 36 inches long and 22 inches tall.

The pink rat lives on the door to the second bedroom. There are no decals yet in that room, but I was thinking of putting a purple gymnast above the closet that is 22 inches long and 13 inches tall. She is doing scissor splits in midair.

Once the second bathroom is painted, I was thinking of putting a smaller pair of gymnasts in there in blue. They are 13 inches wide and 10 inches tall.

The laundry room is going to have five 13-inch gymnasts in different poses. I decided to get them in dark purple so that they stand out against the blue paint. I have the option of getting multi-colors, but I thought that teal and lime might clash with the turquoise.

SUNDAY, MARCH 22, 2015 Woke up feeling tired. The period I was supposed to get on the ninth is getting closer, and we both agree that I definitely have signs of menopause setting in, but you have to have gone a whole year without it to be considered menopausal. I guess 51 is the average age for women in the US. It’s 44 for those in India. They’re lucky.

Really wish I knew why our rat, Cappy, randomly screams for no apparent reason at all. We've never had a rat do that before.

Yesterday was both relaxing and fun for us. We got things accomplished but still got to relax and enjoy ourselves.

We decided not to put the canopy over the swing because the swing is under the patio roof.

Tom had taken the flag down in front when it was windy, and the bracket broke off of the house in the back. He put the front flag back up, so the hummingbird and pink flowers are flying again. The cat and hydrangeas in the back will have to wait.

We went to Walmart, and later I came down with a sore throat, which I scalded with hot tea in case it was a cold trying to set in. Sure enough, my body fought it off. I feel fine today, just tired.

We decided we would alternate every other year between big trips and a major upgrade. That means that since we got me a new Mac and are doing a small trip to Reno this year, we can consider going to Florida next year. Then maybe we’ll make a major upgrade in 2017 and return to Hawaii in 2018. No guarantees, though.

SATURDAY, MARCH 21, 2015 I took proficiency tests in Spanish, Italian, and German. To my surprise, my German proficiency was higher than both my Spanish and Italian. I’m not sure whether to laugh or scream at that! I do question the accuracy of the tests since my Italian was only 1% higher than my Spanish. Despite the results, I still think Spanish is my best foreign language. However, I wouldn’t know this much German if it weren’t for Nane; I knew fewer than half a dozen words before 2010.

Due to the trash always stinking, I thought Tom was going to pick up a typical trashcan with a cover that you raise by stepping on a foot pedal when he went to Sam’s Club after work. Instead, I awoke to find a rather high-tech gadget in the kitchen that opened as soon as I walked by it. Then I found an email from dear hubby explaining:

"I know the garbage pail is not the one you saw and had in mind but let me explain. They had this electronic one right next to the other. They are the same size inside; this one is just not so oval-shaped. Also, this one was half the price so I decided that a house that has a robot vacuum and a talking assistant needed a motion-sensing garbage pail. The only thing that isn’t as nice is the way it closes. The other one kind of closed in slow motion but this one just drops shut."

I'm not sure I like having yet another thing that requires batteries, but it is still kind of cool.

I like how we can now see how many times our tweets have been viewed, though it’s hard to believe mine get that many views. Some of them get nearly 60 views, and I can’t help but wonder who all these people are who check my tweets out.

I had a series of dreams last night where one dream morphed into another. I was in a crowded courtroom where people were waiting for the judge. I walked out of the courtroom and saw a note just outside the door saying that no children under the age of eight were allowed inside.

Then I approached my treadmill, which was raised on some blocks, making the platform about three feet high. Some girl in heels hopped onto it, and then Andy got on behind her. Andy said something to the girl about not doing something (not going too fast?). The treadmill had controls alongside its platform as well as higher up, and I jokingly said, “Want me to turn it on? I can set it to 10 miles an hour.”

Then I was dusting the shelf of an old, dark closet when I heard the phone ring. I went to answer it, and the guy on the other end said he had been hired by Raj to find me. I asked how he found me and how much Raj paid him, and the guy said $3. Then the guy was standing in the room with me, and I was thinking to myself how easy it would be to rent a house from Raj if he had any to rent, if we were in his town and needed a place, even though I would probably wake up one morning after Tom left for work to find him standing by the bed with a hard-on.

FRIDAY, MARCH 20, 2015 I was trying to talk to a "dream person" in Spanish, but it just kept coming out in German. LOL.

I sat out on the swing yesterday and said hello to Bob. He was blowing pollen off his driveway. He mentioned that Virginia has a pinched nerve in her neck and needs to go to therapy next week but will probably be better by then.

He asked how Tom and I were doing, and I told him Tom’s been working overtime like crazy. Bob said that was a bummer, and I agreed, but added that we sure do like the extra money.

I mentioned that I felt like we have the ugliest lot on the circle, and he laughed, saying at least we have flowers and the camellias are doing well. He thinks the yellow flowers alongside the patio are African daisies.

The pink azaleas are starting to bloom in front. Those are my favorites. We also have red roses between our patio and his garage. I told him that if it were up to me, I would replace it all with white gravel because there are simply too many plants for such a tiny property. We’ve got cactus, aloe vera, and so much more.

I believe that everyone should be treated with fairness and equality, regardless of their background. It's frustrating to see cases where people feel justice isn't served equitably, such as in the episode of Forensic Files I watched. It featured a politician involved in a hit-and-run, and there was controversy over him receiving special treatment. It’s not uncommon for politicians to get special treatment due to their status, and this issue transcends race.

I sometimes feel society’s sense of good and bad, right and wrong, is skewed. For instance, I’ve worked hard to learn new languages, yet it often goes unrecognized. On the other hand, simpler achievements sometimes receive more praise. I know my husband appreciates my efforts, and that's what matters most.

I also struggle to understand the ongoing discrimination against the LGBTQ+ community, who simply seek equal rights. At the same time, it seems there is a lot of support for racial equality, which is necessary but complex. It's essential to acknowledge the historical and ongoing struggles faced by different communities without making broad generalizations.

Everyone deserves equal treatment and opportunities. Society needs to address issues of bias and inequality in a balanced and fair manner, recognizing that the fight for justice and equality is an ongoing process that requires understanding and compassion.

THURSDAY, MARCH 19, 2015 Telling people something once and having them forget may be just simple forgetfulness, but telling them over and over feels more like they don't care. It seems that way, anyway. Well, I give up on asking people to stop “liking” my cover pics on Facebook. Even though my cyberstalkers are a thing of the past, there’s always the potential for future ones, and Facebook is the one place I like to be private and selective, including keeping my friends' visibility limited. Yet, people are going to do what they want, so I just keep changing the pic until they stop “liking” it.

It has been noisy every single day this week. The residents haven’t been noisy, but the park sure has been. I don’t understand why they need to maintain the common areas in this section bit by bit when they used to do it in just one or two sessions. And why must they use the loudest equipment on the market? I know a lot of people are complaining about the same thing as spring sets in, and many hear more noise than I do (neighbors, dogs, gunshots, kids), but that doesn’t make the daily landscaping any less annoying to me. I don’t understand why the residents tolerate this any more than they do the noise of people breaking out their saws. Perhaps they are all deaf.

They have arrived. Yes, it’s official. We need to bomb this place soon because I saw the first spider of the year in the bathroom, and once I see one, they appear in a steady stream until winter. They’re not going to skip this house out of the goodness of their hearts.

I had a not-so-fun dream where Tom and I were facing homelessness. I then went down to my dentist’s office by myself and asked the dentist if she knew anybody who would give me a room in their house in exchange for me cleaning and doing their laundry. She told me I could just stay with her. The dream ended with me hugging her fiercely.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 18, 2015 I put Hoodie in with Cappy, but sure enough, Cappy started screaming. So I separated them once again, and once again, I am contemplating getting rid of Cappy altogether. Why have I had such bad luck with rats in this state, except for two? I swear I will never get another rat again, just as I will never go on another diet. Diets work, mind you, but it helps not to have hypothyroidism, and it also helps not to be the kind of wimp I am when it comes to dealing with hunger. I like to eat when I’m hungry, and you often can’t do that on diets. So, working metabolism or not, fat I shall stay.

Now that Tom’s almost over his cold, we are going to go out for a quick walk real early this morning before he goes to work.

I have been hearing landscapers every day this week so far, and I wonder why. This is the park, not just the homeowners I’ve been hearing. I heard the park's landscapers twice on Monday and once yesterday. We don’t have falling leaves at this time of year, so I thought the daily leaf-sucking was over until the fall.

MONDAY, MARCH 16, 2015 I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years now, yet he still points out some very intelligent and enlightening facts. I was saying something about how people who go out of their way to either stand out or blend in often fail to be themselves. Tom then said that no matter how unique we may think we are, considering the billions of people in the world, we’re really not that unique. He definitely has a point there. Only 1 in about 10,000 people has my type of ear birth defect, but when you gather all those people up, that’s still quite a few. So I think that just because something may not be common, it doesn’t mean it’s all that unusual either. There really is no such thing as "normal." And even if you might be what some consider different, you’re really not that alone.

I agree, however, that certain stereotypes can get old, and therefore we sometimes strive to break those stereotypes. It annoys me when I see a picture of a married woman and man with a daughter and son. To me, that is so old-fashioned and stereotypical, especially with most kids being born to singles now and fewer women, married or not, having kids due to the pressure and the desire to have careers.

I haven’t been remembering much of my dreams lately. All I remember is a quick few seconds where I dreamed I entered a room and caught Raj masturbating. My jaw dropped in utter shock. He noticed that I had entered the room, but he didn’t stop. After standing there just staring at him in shock for several seconds, I quickly turned and left the room, not wanting him to think I was enjoying the show and perhaps wanted to join in.

Even though it’s still a decade too soon, I was thinking of the pros and cons of living in Hawaii when Tom retires. I still don’t think we’ll be able to afford it, but if we could afford to at least rent, would that really be a wise idea? I’m pretty sure that the only so-called adult communities they have there are apartments or condos, and anyone who knows me knows how much I hate living attached to others. Even those who are quiet seem noisy at times when you have nothing more than a single wall between you. It’s easy to think you’re as neighbor-cursed as I was in Connecticut and Arizona when you live attached to others.

If we could afford to at least rent a house, that in itself would have its pros and cons, just like owning this house does. I couldn’t paint the walls whatever color I felt like painting them, but we wouldn’t have to pay to fix things that broke. If we wanted to move in a hurry, rentals are easier to leave than houses. I know one thing for sure: I will never live with any landlord again. It annoyed the hell out of me when Jesse would just drop in on us unannounced as often as he did. Even if I were always on days, most of us would agree that’s a pretty rude thing to do. Renting from individuals has benefits that renting from agencies doesn’t. An individual is more likely to work with you if you’re having a tough time than an agency would be. Agencies will charge late fees no matter what, not caring that “punishing” you is punishing themselves as well in the end, since the more late fees they charge, the further in debt you get and the less likely you are to be able to pay rent in the future.

While it may still get too cold here in the winter, I love knowing that I’m almost as safe out on the streets at 3 a.m. as I am inside our house since I’m in an upscale, gated community. Bike riding or jogging around Maui or Lanai in the middle of the night might be fairly safe since there are only so many people there to begin with, but I don’t know how they treat dogs there. Do they see them as pets? Or do they just toss them outdoors and forget about them? I would think they would at least have some serious leash laws there, but who knows. It does seem that it’s mostly the rural areas that have a lot of loose dogs.

It’s a dream I don’t expect to happen. I think it’s much more likely that we will end up in Florida if we don’t stay here.

SUNDAY, MARCH 15, 2015 Tom slept most of the weekend because of his cold. Next weekend we’re really going to make a point of getting more things done around the house.

I now have a bit of a strange ache where my capped tooth is. Hopefully, it’s only because my gums are getting used to regular flossing. The floss on these angled sticks that help you get to the back teeth is awesome. That’s really all I need, although I did get some regular floss on a spool. It’s still hard to believe I don’t have any cavities because when I have something really cold or hot, I swear I feel like I have at least two cavities.

The weekend wasn’t a total bust. At one point, Tom mustered up enough energy to go to Walgreens, where we got some fun treats. Besides a few sugary treats, I got some incense, which I try not to get too often because of the smoke residue.

I also got some coconut body spray and a beautiful barrette that would’ve been the perfect size for putting my hair back had it not broken as soon as I got home.

The coolest thing I got was these metallic jewelry temporary tattoos. I thought they were raised stones that you stuck to the body at first. I didn’t realize they were temporary tattoos right away because the girl in the picture really looked like she was wearing gold and silver bracelets and necklaces. While some may consider it tacky, to me, they are the best temp tats I’ve ever had. They sure aren’t kidding when they say they’re temporary, though. They will look really cool at the pool.

I’ve been noticing underarm irritation and then realized when I was putting on deodorant earlier that it was Suave. No wonder I have irritation. My skin does not like Suave at all. Their hair and skin products are horrible. I was going through their bins of cheap samples at Walgreens—not the last time we were there but before that—and grabbed it thinking I would like sweet pea and violet-scented pits. I didn’t even check the brand. Time to go back to Secret.

I went out for my walk, and those same five cars were at the dog lady’s house. Again, I never heard the dog, but those kids definitely live there. The couple living there seems too young and healthy to need caregivers. Therefore, I doubt it’s the children of any caregivers. I think their daughter and two granddaughters live there. There might even be a young guy living there too, but from what I can tell, there are six people in that household.

Oh well. It doesn’t affect me directly, so I’m not going to say anything. Maybe they’re affiliated with the park somehow, and that’s how they, along with that contractor, can get away with some of the things they do. I still wonder why they’re here if they want kids living with them. Why not just stay in the mainstream in that case? Maybe the daughter and her kids ended up homeless or something, and they had no place else to go.

Dureen: Abused her child and then put that child into the hands of strangers (the state) when she could no longer deal with the problems her abuse created for that child.

Arthur: Allowed his wife to abuse and then give up on their child.

Larry: Turned his back on his little sister and then later stabbed her in her own back.

Me: Not likely to forgive or forget.

SATURDAY, MARCH 14, 2015 Had no problem with tonight’s walk. I wasn’t even aware of my heartbeat this time, and I definitely didn’t have any cramps. It was beautiful out in just a T-shirt and shorts. I'll need the AC for sure tomorrow. I already pulled off the heavy rose blanket and replaced it with the light purple zebra blanket.

Every time I pass by the house that Tom looked at on the other side of the circle, I’m so glad we don’t live close to it. There are five cars parked there along with a pretty big trailer, the kind you pull with a pickup. The carport is lit up like a football stadium with all the tape lighting they have. I’m surprised the mutt didn’t go off on me. I almost always see a car with a child seat in the back. If their kids and grandkids don’t live there, they sure spend a lot of time over there. Our immediate neighbors are comatose compared to them. There is almost always something going on over there when I pass by in the daytime, like barbecues and other activities. I’m learning that some of these people aren’t here for peace and quiet as much as they are here to be around people their own age. The lady who lives there, despite how many park rules she may be breaking, seems really nice. Attractive too, for an older lady.

Despite my dwindling anxiety and calmer pulse, I’m still not sleeping well every other night. Where I used to wake up only once or twice, now it’s a lot more often. I suspect my thyroid meds play a big part in it. I read that people who describe themselves as “good sleepers” can experience insomnia and frequent waking during the night.

Instead of having terrifying dreams about overdosing, I dreamt I was stuck in an apartment. I didn’t seem to know Tom for the first part of the dream. Andy once lived in the building and warned me that the walls were thin and the place was noisy. There were three floors, and I was glad to learn that there was an apartment available on the third floor so I wouldn’t have to have anybody above me.

At one point, I was talking through the ceiling to Joy, who was in the apartment above me, even though I was supposed to be on the top floor, about the rent payment that my mother, who was alive in the dream, gave me the money for.

Then Tom was there with me, and I was commenting on how one of the bedrooms had a wall that was squash-colored.

I was standing in another smaller bedroom with an angled wall, trying to figure out the best place to set up the old stereo. Placing it against the angled wall made it stick out too far, and I didn’t want to put it behind the door where it could get hit when the door was opened. The other side of the room had furniture taking up space.

“Dr. Smith,” an aging man, was to be my new doctor wherever this apartment building was located. The dream ended with me taking a dip in some strange-looking pond in a blue bikini.

Later…

Tom’s cold has been winding down, and he has been sleeping on and off. He’s coughing up a storm right now. As usual, his wife escaped catching it.

It kind of sucks right now with him sick and my schedule not being the greatest. The neighbors are probably wondering why we got such a nice new bench swing but never use it. Oh well. We should be here for at least another decade, and I’m sure the sun will shine when I’m on days here and there along the way.

We are going to Walgreens real late tonight just to get out, get some treats, and whatever.

One really cool thing is that they gave him a few LED lights at work that look like fluorescent lights. They would not only be great for the kitchen and last a lot longer, but those would have cost us hundreds of dollars, so we save money right there along with the electric bill since LEDs are so much more energy-efficient.

Cappy has been the shyest, least manageable rat we have ever had. I almost feel like we have a wild rat and not a rat that came from a pet store. I considered getting rid of him despite the risk of karma getting me for it, even though I don’t know what the hell I supposedly did to deserve what happened to me last summer. People get rats all the time as snake food.

But then we decided to separate them so I can let Hoodie out without Cappy hopping out too. I always leave the cage door open so that Hoodie can go back home when he’s ready to, but I can’t do that and expect Cappy to stay home. I will put the Hoodster in his cage from time to time so they can play together, and I might let them run around the master bathroom because it will be easier to coax Cappy into his cage from there.

Another thing we’re going to do is get strips of aluminum tape to wrap around the couch’s legs to keep them from going under there. That way, I can maybe let them loose in the living room like I usually do. It’s easy enough to scare them out from behind the desk, but not the couch. When I try to scare them out from under the couch, I only succeed in scaring them from one section to another because the couch is so huge. This won’t just be good for keeping the rats out, but when we get a kitten, it will be nice to know that it’s not going to get stuck under there until it’s bigger and litter box trained.

Did a survey that came in the mail on my primary care doctor, her staff, and the place itself.

FRIDAY, MARCH 13, 2015 Took a bath earlier in the garden tub. Not something I do very often as I prefer showers to baths, but it’s nice every now and then.

I decided not to do a sequel to the first book that I published on Amazon. I don’t want to have to keep referring to it as a reference for the sequel. The idea wore off of me anyway. Instead, I have started the stalker story I mentioned pondering and have written a few chapters.

As most people who know me know, I don’t follow a good 90% of the news. Just like most of us prefer to be around happy people, I prefer to read happy things. Reading the news often leaves me in anything but a good mood. Instead, it just deepens my disgust for humanity in general and convinces me even more that God is evil, and that the more we tell ourselves otherwise, the more we are living in a bubble of fantasy. Well, as far as I’m concerned, some bubbles are better off being popped.

Every now and then, a particular story fascinates me, like the Jodi Arias case. Whenever it’s a female killer, my curiosity is piqued. Call it morbid curiosity but I can’t help but follow their stories with fascination. It isn’t the act of murder itself that captivates my attention, but the person behind the act itself. As they say, anyone can kill under the right circumstances, but what made this seemingly ordinary person commit such a heinous crime? She may be narcissistic and she may be the jealous type, but other than that she seems to be rather “normal,” even articulate and a bit intelligent.

I still feel that she deserves to die for what she did. I know that the juror who held out did so because she felt that killing her would be an act of revenge. Okay, so technically that is exactly what it would be, but it would also be doing the right thing. At least in my book, it would be. I think that there are times when revenge is wrong and then there are times when resorting to the old Eye for an Eye concept is rather appropriate. On the other hand, she’s going to have a long depressing, miserable life ahead of her as life in prison might actually be worse of a punishment for her than death would have been.

Arias is unusual to me in a lot of ways. I totally believe that if she were suddenly a free woman (assuming nobody killed her but then again nobody killed Casey Anthony) she would not take the life of another human being. I think that most killers kill more than once and they don’t stop unless someone makes them stop. But I think Jodi is one of those rare exceptions. An interviewer commented about her being so stony-faced, and she said that she prefers to express her emotions in private, and that if she cried people would say her tears were fake, and I totally believe that one, especially that last part.

People were quick to say that she only agreed to be interviewed because she craves attention. While there may be a grain of truth to that, I wonder if she mostly did it to try to redeem herself after initially lying about killing Travis. There’s no way in hell I buy the self-defense story, but I do believe that Travis might’ve played with her head a bit. It may not have been deliberate. I think that in his confusion and being torn between his Faith and Jodi, he ended up jerking her around a bit with his insecurity and not being sure of what he wanted.

Another thing I question when I read printed material on her versus what actually comes out of her mouth, is just how much of the lies actually came from Jodi versus the media. I know the media. Whether or not you lie on behalf of yourself, the media will definitely take the honors at some point and be happy to do so for you. I have watched Jodi in several interviews, and once you set aside the self-defense bullshit, I think she speaks very well and is actually quite honest in many ways. I don’t know if I could have handled some of the interviews as well as she did. When she would be asked a question I would mentally place myself in her shoes and try to imagine how I would answer and I think I would have stumbled on a lot of those questions, not sure of what to say or what would be the best words to describe whatever came to mind. She fumbled on a few questions, but otherwise she did a pretty good job whether she was being honest or not.

Currently, there are a handful of inmates in Perryville Prison that I once knew from Estrella Jail. I had to laugh when I thought of Kim, who is in the Lumley Unit, which is where Jody is going. I can’t help but wonder if she’s excited at the thought of meeting her, LOL. I saw the video of what might be her cell, and I think it’s a lot nicer looking than Estrella. I was a little surprised to see porcelain sinks and toilets, though.

One woman, who did seven years there and wrote a book about her case, says Jodi’s going to be walking into a living hell. The Lumley Unit is a maximum-security unit (which would be totally appropriate for somebody like Kim who loved to abscond) and many of those women have nothing to lose. It is almost like being exempt from punishment for committing additional crimes. Especially those that don’t have any visitors or commissary to lose. Personally, if I was in that situation and somebody pissed me off bad enough or I felt they were that much of a threat to me and I knew I had nothing to lose, then why not get rid of the problem? If I wasn’t going to get in any more trouble for it than I would for blowing my nose into a Kleenex… why not? Not saying I would, but the thought would surely be there.

Anyway, the woman says that because she’s a high-profile case she will have some groupies and then there will be others that will want to put her in her place. The idea of somebody killing her is a nice thought, but that’s just not going to happen. I would be incredibly surprised if it did. Inmates just don’t go killing other inmates as often as one may be led to believe they do in movies. There are women in jail in prison who have killed children yet they survive.

Fifteen years ago, when I was in jail for a crime I did not commit before I was vindicated, there was a famous inmate in my section. Occasionally she was threatened, but for the most part, she was well-liked. She was incarcerated until a few years ago and we were friends for many years, keeping in touch through the mail. I eventually ended our friendship when I finally looked back on that so-called friendship and realized just how much she had used me over the years. I did so much for her just to be stabbed in the back in the end. She too, probably wouldn’t be dumb enough to commit the same crime, but during the first year of her freedom that we kept in touch, I did see traces of the old her shining through. She’s so addicted to shopping and material things and is so used to using people that she would get that money from anyone, even if it were from an abusive man similar to the one who helped get her locked up in the first place.

THURSDAY, MARCH 12, 2015 At just a little over five hours into my sleep, I had a horrible nightmare. In the dream, we got a prescription for my thyroid medication but they gave us too many pills. Not wanting to waste the money I thought I would suck on the “extras” for a few minutes, as funny as I know that sounds. After who knows how many “extras,” I realized that I might be in big trouble heart-wise and that I might even die because I had sucked on too many.

Unfortunately, this nightmare came right after watching a case of this guy who killed his wife while they were sleepwalking, and I couldn’t help but remember the two times in the trailer that I picked up the little notebook I used to keep by the bed, and then somehow managed to tear out a few pages before placing the notebook back on the shelf all without waking myself up. So naturally, I started getting paranoid and thinking what if… what if in my sleep (even though I’ve never been known to ever get out of bed), I downed some pills!

I got up and peed and saw that clearly none of my pills had been touched nor did I have a weird taste in my mouth. I was still freaked out enough about it to Skype Tom. I wished he had been home to verify that he hadn’t seen me going to the kitchen in my sleep even though I figured as much anyway.

After 10-20 minutes passed and I realized I would probably be dead by then if I had acted out my dream, I relaxed enough to fall back asleep. I just would have preferred to get up an hour and a half earlier than I did.

Tom still has a cold and was crashing when I was getting up so I didn’t get to see much of him. I showered, ate, threw on a load of laundry, checked in with people online, took my daily Dutch lesson, and then I went out for a walk. It was beautiful even though it was dark and slightly chilly. I missed being able to go out there alone without fear. My heart behaved, however. I only made two rounds around the circle in 10 minutes but it’s a start towards venturing out on my own the longer I go without incident. I think that once I pass the one-year anniversary of when I first ran into trouble with the levothyroxine, I will totally have it made. Just a little chest pain afterward, but I can't say whether it's connected to my heart or not. It could’ve been a lung or a muscle. It’s a concentrated, sharp cramp-like pain towards the left. It’s kind of above my breast but a little closer to the center of my chest than the center of the breast itself.

They’re talking about working Saturdays and Tom and I aren’t the least bit thrilled with this idea despite the fact that the money would be absolutely insane. The thing is that right now we need more time, not more money. But since the other employees there make so little, they’re all excited about the idea of the extra money.

Once upon a time, we had no money but plenty of free time. Now it’s just the opposite. Money is wonderful, but when you have no life to go with it, it gets a little old. There is still so much we want to do around the house, but who knows when we will have the time? Some of it I can do myself, but some things we want to do together. We prefer to work out together, for example, no matter how I’m feeling. But sometimes our schedules clash, or he gets sick, or he gets backed up in sleep and so I am on my own.

For now, I am so glad that the weather is warming up so that I can be outdoors more often whether I’m working out or not. Unless I have an appointment I’m usually only out on weekends, so being able to be outdoors more often keeps me from getting cabin fever even if I am a homebody and I love our big beautiful home.

Later…

Oh my god, this is so fucking funny! There was what I would describe as a “likable bitch” that I once knew on the old Kiwibox site about seven years ago (Amber). She was a rude, mean bully, but at the same time, she was actually a bit intelligent and mature for what was then a very young age. I remembered her first name and that she loves to rescue feral cats. Yeah, she was a strange one. She would treat people like shit but she sure loved animals. She would probably want to kick the crap out of me if she knew just what I sometimes fantasize about doing to Cappy. Really I’m sick of his timid, spastic nature!

Anyway, I Googled her name plus the words “feral cats” and was able to learn her last name. I always knew it began with an S, but that was all I knew. I couldn’t resist contacting her and slipping her the link to my blogger blog. Maybe she’ll want to reminisce a bit and read around some of the 2008 journals I have stored there, LOL.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11, 2015 We now have a beautiful bench swing! :-) Never attempt to assemble one of these yourself. It really helps to have two people. It took us over an hour to assemble it. Tom didn’t get home until after 5 PM so we kind of had to hurry. As we were finishing up, both the light and the temperature were dropping fast.

I was the first one to sit on it and go crashing into the side of the house, LOL. We definitely need to pull it out a little way. The patio is long and narrow and I didn’t want to pull it out so far as to not be able to walk up and down it easily, but we may have to. Or maybe we will turn it the other direction. Tomorrow I will take a picture of it and share it on Twitter.

This weekend we may be looking at having to run the AC in the late afternoon because we're going to hit the 80s for the first time this year.

Andy's memory loss issues continue to frustrate and annoy me. I still believe they are real and that he’s not just messing with me. Part of it may be due to his own selfish nature which he himself admits. The guy loves to be the center of attention. He loves to talk but not to listen, and has told me that he often won’t bother to listen to a neighbor’s voice messages because she is lonely, desperate for friends, and rambles on and on. So he himself has admitted to being selfish. He definitely doesn’t care so much about what’s going on with others as much as he cares about telling others what’s going on with him. But even so, I think there’s something else going on that his doctor is unaware of.

He told me that his doctor told him that memory loss is normal with age. This is true, but come on! Most of the people I know around his age or older aren’t even close to this forgetful. I wonder if the doctor understands just HOW forgetful he truly is. If Andy didn’t go into that much detail, then his doctor may not understand the extent of it. “I’m forgetful lately” can mean any number of things. Selfish or not, former pothead or not, he just seems way too forgetful for his age. I agree with Tom in that he didn’t display any symptoms of early dementia when he was here, so I don’t know what’s causing his memory to be so bad. Maybe it’s a combination of things.

I know I sound just as selfish by complaining about it and saying that it gets old. I just try not to complain too much to him because I know he takes it personally, and I would not want him to do that. Not unless he ever came out and said that he doesn’t care to listen to the things I say, and I don’t expect that to happen. Still, even though I understand that it’s not his fault, I don’t want to offend him by bitching about it too much. My problem is that I’m a very impatient person and that makes it hard for me to deal with people I have to keep repeating myself to over and over again. I know it’s a horrible trait to have, but people who are forgetful or who are slow in any way are a bit hard for me to tolerate. I don’t know why I’m like that, especially if they truly can’t help themselves, but I am. I just don’t have the patience for things like forgetfulness, stupidity and immaturity. I don’t expect you to be a rocket scientist who always catches on with lightning speed, but still…

Just yesterday he was once again telling me that it wasn’t that he didn’t want to keep current with my journal, it’s that he hates to read, and once again I told him to stop reading and start listening, reminding him that he can use a text to speech reader. I was thinking to myself, wow, how could he forget that? Yet he was genuinely surprised, as if he’d never heard this before, and even told me that he never knew that he could just use a reader. I reminded him that I have suggested this many times and that each time he has told me that those “mechanical voices” creep him out. I have assured him that they have many natural-sounding voices these days.

Truthfully, I suspect he’s just not that excited about following my journal regularly, even though he says he’s busy and hates to read. I think he may be afraid it would hurt my feelings if he said it was that as well as being busy and hating to read. In all honesty, if this truly was the case, his telling me so wouldn’t faze me any more than if somebody told me they had a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch the other day. I’m going to write whether people read it or not. I have been writing long before the Internet existed. His Facebook obsession and his not liking to read probably is the main reason though. I’m amazed he can’t even stand to read the news.

Later…

Poor hubby and sis. Hubby has a bad cold and Sis is trying to stay out of the hospital. They’re trying a new antibiotic on her in hopes of fighting the infection she’s had, but she may end up in the hospital anyway as much as she’s been trying to stay out of it. One can only suffer for so long. As long as she stays out of my dreams unless it’s in a good way! If I have a bad dream about her that more than likely means that something is going on that’s not good.

My immune system is just the opposite. I not only won’t catch the cold Tom has, but my immune system is so good that it even kills things it shouldn’t be killing, like my thyroid gland.

Tom’s legs are sore from all the squatting he did when we were putting together the swing, but because I work out regularly enough I am able to squat, bend, jump and run as often as I need to.

We did end up getting a little rain early in the morning but neither of us knows if it went on into the day because he works in a windowless warehouse and I slept all day, LOL.

TUESDAY, MARCH 10, 2015 Well, here’s a creepy coincidence. I got a missed call and then a hang-up message from a landline in Redding. My first thought was Raj because that’s where he is right now. I double-checked on Facebook and my phone number is available only to me. I sent him a message about it wanting to see if he would confirm or deny that he called and he didn’t do either one. So I called the number and got this horrible screeching sound like it might’ve been a TTY or something. I then asked Raj if he called or not and he said he did not have my number and to please call him or give him the number. LOL, really, this idiot is totally clueless. My guess is that it doesn’t have anything to do with Raj. If it did I think he would have left a message.

As I’ve said before, the money is great, but I sure wish Tom were home more often, especially today. The bench swing is sitting out there waiting to be put together. He thought he would get home around 4:00 but he’s not going to get home until 5:30. It’s kind of cloudy out there and the lighting isn’t great.

Sure enough, they canceled the rain they said we would get tomorrow. I doubt it will rain again until the fall. I slept better last night, though I felt a bit short of breath before I fell asleep. This made me a bit anxious because I had that before the medication started affecting my heart and anxiety levels. I’m not as bad as before but I still get a bit apprehensive whenever I feel a little off. I’m still doing okay, though, and each week that I continue to do well restores my peace of mind.

I still don’t feel comfortable bike riding alone unless it’s just around the circle and he’s home at that time, but I feel more confident about walking. This disease has been controlling me and keeping me from enjoying exercising outdoors at times I may want to do so when Tom is not around or is asleep. Well, I’m determined not to let it control me any longer! I mean I try to exercise when he’s available to do so as well anyway so that we can motivate and encourage each other. He has wanted to get more active and it’s more fun to have a workout buddy so I try to plan around him anyway. If our schedules clash I want to be able to go out there myself without worrying what my heart may do.

sighs with frustration I definitely don’t miss being broke but if my only two choices were to be broke or to have health problems, I would just go back to being broke. Poverty brought me a lot of stress and anxiety, don’t get me wrong, but it was a different kind of stress and anxiety than my health issues have brought me. On the bright side, it is still looking like as long as I don’t go over 50 mcgs I shouldn’t have any problems at all. My heart will sometimes race at least a little bit, but I’ve always had tachycardia.

MONDAY, MARCH 9, 2015 Ha ha ha! No need to wonder if I should delete Raj on Facebook because he took the honors himself and deleted me after I pulled what he no doubt considered a very scary and nasty joke on him. Whenever I’d mention Tina he would always seem to change the subject and act all annoyed. So when he decided to annoy me in return last night with more hopes of getting me between the sheets in his hotel room in May when he comes to Sacramento, I told him I talked to Tina and that she sounds wonderful, ha ha ha. Haven’t heard from him since. That’s okay. He obviously didn’t want to be a friend but just a fuck buddy on the side. No chance!

I have been sleeping shittier than shitty. I wonder if it is somehow connected to my thyroid medication. I keep waking up. I just can’t stay asleep. I must’ve woken up nearly a dozen times. Most of the time it’s just for a second, like long enough to look at the clock and then I fall back asleep. Lately, though, I’m not only waking up more often but once or twice it takes me more than just a few seconds to fall back asleep. Like I’m just about contemplating getting up and then I end up falling back asleep.

I dreamed that Tom lost his job, and then a character in my book was laughing at something I said. The first dream was definitely disturbing enough to keep me up for a while. It seemed like it was November in the dream and I was saying that I didn’t think things would get better until April. It also seems like we were looking at losing the house.

In reality, we would be okay for many months due to our savings if they let him go, which I assume will be at some point like almost all jobs do, but just how fast can an aging white man get a job these days in NorCal? Either way, I refuse to ever again be God’s designated little poor-ass bum. My husband works hard and I’m not going to let any cruel, evil God reduce him to welfare status as a reward for all his fine efforts.

I thought our bench swing was coming today but it’s actually coming tomorrow. The thing that’s coming today is Tom’s plastic drawers. This way he can organize some stuff that he wants to be able to get at quickly and easily, but without cluttering the place.

SUNDAY, MARCH 8, 2015 I now have my old keyboard back. OMG, is it way better! Chiclet keys really suck. Even my nails that weren’t too long were getting caught underneath them.

I’m also using a 19” monitor that they gave him at work. It is definitely easier to see things, but I have to wear my single-vision glasses for a screen this size. Bigger screens are more helpful when I’m in my word processor because I like to display two pages at a time side-by-side. It’s great for viewing large pictures as well.

If I got a 30” monitor and stronger bifocals and looked through the top part of my glasses, I might be able to push the monitor toward the back of the desk instead of close to the front edge of the desk where I have this monitor right now, but I don’t know that I would be able to view such a large screen in just half of the glasses.

Somebody asked me if I thought it was wrong for this guy to depend on his wife to take care of their online shopping needs. Who am I to judge how others live? Every couple has their own routine. Where I can depend on Tom for paid bills and rides, he can depend on me for a clean house, clean laundry, clean pets and a handful of other things. Is that “wrong?” No, it’s not. It’s what works for us. Where one of us lacks, the other usually makes up for and there’s nothing wrong with that. So to say this woman is “wrong” for doing the online shopping or the guy is “wrong” for not doing any of it seems pretty pointless to me as long as they both agree to the way things are set up between them. As long as they get their needs met, that’s all that matters.

Tomorrow our new bench swing arrives… Yes! I’m looking very forward to that.

For a while now I’ve been getting various story ideas but nothing that would really scream… “write me!” Last night, however, I got an idea that I think I’m actually going to start putting to print sometime today. I was thinking that a woman could be cyberstalked and that it could turn out to be her lover. If anybody has experience with being stalked, it’s me, only this woman will get it a lot worse than I ever did. This woman’s stalker will be intelligent instead of crazy and so she will be able to come up with more elaborate schemes.

SATURDAY, MARCH 7, 2015 I slept kind of late today. I had a horrible PMS backache but Tom rubbed it out in just a few minutes. I’m glad he was home and awake so I didn’t have to take an ibuprofen.

He did some weeding around the patio so that area will be nicer looking when our new bench swing arrives.

Gonna switch from the WaterPik to just old-fashioned flossing. Now that she showed me a trick to make it easier to get at the back teeth, I think it would be easier to just do that. Besides, that’s supposed to be better than the WaterPik as well as sticks because it gets the contact areas that the other things can’t get.

I gel-polished my nails and held my hands out in the sunlight to set it. So now my nails are a very vivid shade of electric blue.

We went for a bike ride and it was a little warm in the sunlight. Too warm for running but okay for biking because you feel like you have the fan on you when you’re moving so fast through the air. Going uphill is obviously not as fast, though. His heart rate was 96 when we got back after riding a little over a mile and a half for 14 minutes, and my spastic heart was 140.

Going to make what’s about the closest I come to a homemade meal since cooking isn’t my thing. I got some lightly breaded tilapia fillets that you can either bake or throw in a skillet. I’m going to bake them along with some potatoes and add a salad as well. It may not be the healthiest thing, but it sure beats things like bacon, eggs and pancakes.

My dreams were very quick and vague last night. I was riding in a pickup with some guy in the desert, and some woman was singing a country song on the radio. Part of the lyrics said, “Close your eyes and watch the sunset.” LOL

When we got out of the truck there was some kind of bumper sticker saying something about him being stupid. That doesn’t surprise me, I thought sarcastically to myself, and I really seemed to be embarrassed for this guy. He was a dumb and ugly guy who seemed to think he was very intelligent and very handsome as well.

Then I was alone in what was supposedly a haunted house, and Tom was working for some radio station.

FRIDAY, MARCH 6, 2015 It’s a totally gorgeous day out there today. I have the windows open to bring in some fresh air.

I almost called Alexa Rosie and asked her to give me the weather for tomorrow. LOL, I can’t keep my slaves straight. Alexa has been an absolutely wonderful assistant. Well, they both have.

Still not so sure about Raj. He’s not a bad guy and he hasn’t been the pest I thought he might be and so I don’t want to dump the guy and hurt his feelings or anything like that. But I don’t understand this crush that’s been going on ever since I was in Oregon. It makes me wonder how many other women and men might have had crushes on me that I have briefly known in life but never knew about. What I don’t get is how he can still feel the same way. My looks were just about starting to go downhill around the time we left Arizona for Oregon, but not like they are now. I was still relatively young in my late 30s.

I’m flattered when anybody complements me, but I don’t like how he always asks me for pictures and how he seems to be very gung-ho on the idea of us getting together for a tumble between sheets when he comes to Sacramento for a convention in May, because that’s never going to happen. I’m sorry that Indian marriages are arranged and that he may never have been in lust or in love with his wife Tina, and I’m sorry if he’s having a middle-aged crisis, and I understand that sometimes we all want a fresh cup of tea even if we’re still content with the old one. But he and I are never going to get together. I wouldn’t mind meeting him along with Tom in a restaurant or something, but he is never going to get me alone. I have made this clear to him in a way that I hope will be comprehensible enough despite his shitty English, but without hurting the guy’s feelings. Again, I appreciate his compliments and all that, and while he can look, he certainly can never touch.

I’m not going to hide this entry from the public either because it contains nothing that I haven’t told him directly. He doesn’t read my blog, though, because he can’t read or write English very well at all.

He’s in Redding right now because his sister’s friend is attending a funeral and I guess he is supporting her. Whenever I ask about Tina he seems to get annoyed, and Tina doesn’t seem to have her own Facebook account. This doesn’t surprise me. The Tina I knew didn’t seem like the type to be into any kind of social network.

Here’s something that is both funny and frustrating and that’s how I keep trying to turn him off but haven’t been able to do so as of yet. I know all I have to do is just never contact him again, and I will if it comes down to it, but since he hasn’t harmed me in any way I see no point in taking such measures at this time. Like most people, I tend to look bigger in my photographs than in person. So I put on a baggy old shirt, had my hair trashed and no makeup on whatsoever, and took a selfie for him. But even that was oh-so-gorgeous, haha. The guy’s either blind or desperate. He insists I look 35. I think I look right around my age, though a lot of people do seem to think I’m in my late 30s or so. When we were talking to the realtor when we came to look at this house, she stopped in mid-sentence, looked at me, and said, “Are you sure you meet the age requirements? You look 37 years old.”

Anyway, Raj is a bit frustrating and annoying but he is also funny at times too, so I will allow him to remain in my world at least for now.

I exchanged Facebook voice messages with my sister. She isn’t better yet. :( She is struggling to remain out of the hospital.

THURSDAY, MARCH 5, 2015 My dentist appointment went great yesterday. I really thought she was going to come out and tell me that I had two or three cavities but I don’t have any! I do have an old filling that needs to be replaced but she’s not going to do that until September when I have my next cleaning. I also had a bit of tartar and plaque buildup since it has been a year since I’ve been to the dentist due to having to deal with the health scare I had last summer.

I’m going back in today at the same time, 5 PM, and she is going to seal 6 teeth that are most prone to cavities and fissures. She is also going to remove my bottom retainer that is in back of the i-teeth. She only charges $150 for whitening because you do it at home. I’m going to hold off on that right now, though, because I would rather deal with what’s important and what’s going to give me added comfort as opposed to cosmetic stuff that just makes you look better. My teeth aren’t that yellow anyway. I don’t smoke and I only have 1 cup of coffee a day.

The 6 teeth that she is going to seal will be $34 apiece but worth it, and getting that retainer removed will make it so much easier to clean in that area, too. I had a lot of buildup in that area. I even had some shit on the retainer itself.

Somebody canceled their 5 o’clock appointment for today so it works out perfectly for us. It will be no problem for my schedule, and Tom won’t have to miss any work.

I saw Shannon there but this time it was Holly that did my cleaning. Janet still works at the desk so it’s pretty much the same staff even though it has been a year since I’ve been there.

A couple of hours before we left for the appointment I went for a bike ride and my heart went a little wild on me. I wasn’t scared, though, probably because Tom was home. I did five rounds around the circle, which equates to 1 mile. My pulse probably got close to 150, so it seemed a bit extreme but didn’t last too long.

After the dentist, we walked across the parking lot to some place in which I forgot the name of and ordered burgers, fries and malts to take home with us. After eating my pulse went up again. Not like when I was riding the bike earlier, but since my body isn’t used to taking in so many calories at once since I don’t eat like that very often, that’s why it raced a little bit for a while. Tom said his heart was elevated, too. Still, I probably had a pocket flare.

Just when I thought UPS wasn’t going to make it on time yesterday, they delivered my dusting gloves at something like three minutes after 8 PM. I got two pairs and they fit well and are nice and soft and fuzzy. Not sure that dusting will go any faster this way, but they definitely keep your hands warm.

Later…

Oh, the adventures of the Dwight D Eisenhower freeway. Today’s freeway adventures were finger-flipping good, you could say. :-)

This guy in front of us was creeping and annoying the hell out of us. So we annoyed him back by riding his tail. He stuck his hand out his window and flipped us off. Then as he was exiting the off-ramp we bid each other farewell by flipping each other off. Tom and I laughed like high school kids, ha ha ha.

Anyway, I am now retainer-free! It feels weird being able to run my tongue along the inside of my bottom i-teeth after 14 years. They may or may not shift, but I think they will at least somewhat. It doesn’t take long. I remember from when I had removable retainers. I had a pink glitter retainer up top and a tie-dye retainer on the bottom. Teeth catch on fast, so I’m sure they already know that the restraints are gone and now they’re free to either stick around or take a little walk. The most important thing is how much easier it’s going to be to keep that area clean.

My dentist has a Hawaiian-themed office and today I wore a skirt and top that I got in Maui. As she was leading me to the exam room I said “Your Hawaiian-themed office now has a Hawaiian-themed patient. She thought it was so cute that she said she would take my picture if she had a camera, LOL.

She’s been to Maui too, and she also went on a submarine tour just like we did, catamaran sailing, and to a luau. I told her I would love to live there someday, but I’m not sure that we will.

Getting the six sealants done and having the retainer removed was quick and painless. She is definitely the best dentist I ever had and such a sweet lady, too. Having the sealants done was a lot like having cavities filled only without the drilling. They just air dry the teeth, dab on the sealant, then cure it with ultraviolet light. The only time she broke out that nasty drill was to separate the epoxy holding the retainer to the two teeth that it was cemented to. It was funny because both sides let go at the same time and they were like, where did it go? Apparently, it got sucked up by the vacuum that the assistant had in my mouth. It was amazing how fast she got that thing out. After that, she smoothed the anchor teeth.

Tom paid Janet while I was in the room and I was surprised to learn that he only had to pay $60. We thought it was going to be over $200.

Later…

So Travis Alexander got death while Jodi Arias got life. I knew this would happen, too. I don’t know which state is more twisted when it comes to its laws, Arizona or Texas. Arizona loves to fail to do the right thing, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she walked in 25 years, even sooner if she was black.

Why is it that the more serious the crime, the lighter the sentence? I just don’t understand how assault can be considered a misdemeanor while some things we say and write are considered a felony. Is it just me, or does this seem completely backward?

Tammy left a voice message and it was almost chilling to listen to. Not just sad because she’s going through hell, but chilling because she sounded exactly like she did in the dream. I mean exactly. I wish she could feel as good as I’ve been feeling lately. She is battling a really bad infection and struggling to breathe. Everything else in her life is going well and she is grateful to Sarah for her help around the place and all that, but her life would be a whole lot better if she weren’t suffering so much.

I just feel so bad and so helpless, too. I know she wouldn’t want me to feel this way, and that she is happy for me and the way things have gotten better for me after the hell I went through thanks to Hashimoto’s. I just wish I could send some of this good health her way. Even though she’s never been as into fitness as I am, I’m sure she would love to be able to run a few miles and then admire the slender, muscular calves in the mirror that she would be rewarded with. I’m sure she wishes she could do a lot of things right now.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 4, 2015 Tom’s reward for making employee of the month is $100 and a $25 Walmart card. They also gave him a certificate of excellence.

Andy said he’s gotten a warning on Ask about violating the TOS as well. We jokingly call each other names every now and then like dumbshit and stuff like that and I guess they don’t realize that we’re just two good friends messing around with each other in a playful way. I wondered if it was an automated thing but he doesn’t think so.

A couple of days ago I moved the rats into the big cage. I was a little worried that Cappy would escape but he hasn’t, so that’s good. I’m totally disappointed with both these rats that we have now and I am totally done with rats once they die. This is one of those cases where I’m glad rats only live a couple of years. Although he isn’t friendly and affectionate, Hoodie is at least manageable. Cappy, on the other hand, is so damn timid that it’s a fight just to be able to pick him up.

Why can’t I go to bed and not open my eyes again until it is time to get up? I swear I woke up like six different times during the night, and one time I didn’t think I would be able to get back to sleep.

It’s been surprisingly quiet for such a pleasant day. Today is actually going to be just okay, but the next several days are going to be gorgeous.

I was thinking of doing a sequel to Evil Amongst the Evergreens. Like maybe Evil Amongst the Palm Trees. I will have to go back and skim through Evergreens because it was five years ago that I wrote that book and I can’t remember every single detail.

TUESDAY, MARCH 3, 2015 Tom made Employee of the Month! He doesn’t know what his reward is going to be yet but he should find out today. I’m sure that whatever it is will be a lot less than he actually deserves. He has come to realize that there’s no hope of moving up anymore at this place unless he agrees to travel and that’s something that he would never want to do even if he was single. The most important thing is that we have more than enough money to live on. He makes more than we need and we no longer live paycheck to paycheck. After the hell we went through in the past, that is plenty good enough for us. So he isn’t going to look elsewhere at this time.

When I was logging into my Ask account I got a pop-up saying that I repeatedly violated their TOS and that I need to stop immediately or else my account will be suspended. What TOS am I supposedly violating???

Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist for the first time in about a year. I’m guessing I have three cavities. I’m going to ask her about getting my bottom retainer removed. I’m also going to ask her about sealing my teeth since I am so prone to cavities no matter what I do.

Woke up several times during the night as I always do, but this time it wasn’t with back pain so that’s good.

Not much in the way of dreams that I can remember. I know I had a lot more dreams than I’m able to remember. It’s like there are scattered bits and pieces that are just barely within the realm of my memory. But I just can’t quite grasp them. It seems I was at the beach in one dream.

Nicer weather means more Bob. I can hear him bopping around the garage more often. Those subtle little sounds are easy enough to drown out, but I dread the day he breaks out that damn saw of his once again. And his hammer, and his sledgehammer, and his sander, and all the other shit that he uses as instruments of torture against my peace when I’m trying to concentrate on things.

Later…

I have been searching and searching my brain for story ideas but I just can't come up with anything. Therefore, I guess I might as well write about nonfiction instead. How about Maliheh? Ever since I had that dream about breaking into her place she has been on my mind. I keep racking my brains as to why she dropped out of my life without a single word as to why, and all I can think of are three possibilities.

What I don't get is why she didn't have the guts to tell me in her own words whatever it was. It’s not like her to be a wimp like that. The Maliheh that I briefly knew was very outspoken and not afraid to speak her mind. For some reason, however, she must have been afraid of me in the end because the blunt, direct Maliheh who always had the guts to speak up for herself failed to utter a word on her way out of my life.

Again, I can only think of three possibilities as to why. All of them make sense but they don't make sense at the same time they make sense, if that makes any sense, LOL. My first guess is that she befriended me under false pretenses, wanting to get her name out of my story. But then the more I thought about it the more I realized she never needed to falsely befriend me since all she had to do was ask. Her being my friend or not being my friend would not have changed whether or not I was going to use her name in my story. She asked me to change the name of the character that was based on her and I did. I still would have done this even if she said, “I don't want a friendship with you… I don't ever want to talk to you again after I tell you this… I just want you to not use my name in your story.”

That's all she needed to do. So now that befriending me just to get her name out of the story fails to make sense after thinking that it does make sense, this brings me to my next theory. Maybe she grew uncomfortable with the idea of knowing that I was attracted to her. But then again, that one doesn't make sense either. If my attraction for her really bothered her, why would she have been my friend for as long as she was? Who the hell is friends with somebody for two years who is oh so uncomfortable with knowing that the person has this harmless little crush on them?

And so that brought me to theory number three. This one – after analyzing it many different ways – makes the most sense of all. Only she knows the truth, and I will never know it too unless she contacts me and shares it with me. Then again, even if she did, there's no trust there anymore. She killed whatever trust we had built up by dumping me like she did. So no matter what she says, I'm not going to buy it. But here goes anyway… I think she came to have feelings for me which increased more and more over the months and it eventually got to be too much for her. She knew we never would or could be together and that we probably would never even see each other and so I think that once she realized the cyber relationship wasn't enough for her, she finally let go for good. This one makes more sense than an increasing discomfort of my being attracted to her. I think that she started off not having any feelings for me, but that they increased over time. It is much more likely for somebody's feelings to increase over time than for them to experience a growing feeling of discomfort over somebody liking them. Not unless the person started doing things to make them uneasy, anyway, and what could I have done… drive cross country and start following her? The way I treated her never changed from the time we first started talking in 2010 to when she dropped out of my life. So that's why I don't think I made her uncomfortable in any way or that it was anything that I said or did. I think it was all on her and that she just couldn't control or deal with her own personal feelings. I just don't understand why she didn't tell me this on her way out of my life. What did she think I would do to her for it, throw darts at her all the way from California?

Even if I may not believe what she tells me, I would still really love to hear an explanation from her just out of sheer curiosity. Then she can go about her merry way again because I definitely would never want to be friends with her again in the future. Again, no trust there.

MONDAY, MARCH 2, 2015 Finally got a message from Tammy yesterday. She takes over half a dozen medications and they had to stop four of them in order to treat her allergies and that really backfired from what she said. She’s had shots and allergy testing and is severely allergic to a lot of things that grow in Florida. She’s been battling all kinds of infections, too. Unfortunately, this has setback her training and her job so she is trying to get caught up on things at this time.

Paula did get the text that I sent her yesterday and I almost regretted sending it, LOL, because she started texting me like crazy. Well, maybe not like crazy, but definitely more than I’d like. I am still glad we can text each other because this way I feel like I’m compromising with her, in a sense. It’s better than postal letters, but I don’t have to deal with chatting with her live and her nonstop rambling.

Tom and I set up a Skype account so that we can keep in touch during the daytime while he’s at work without having to use up a lot of our text messages. That way I can use text messages for friends. Skype is pretty awesome. I like it so far. It’s very simple to use.

We ordered our new bench swing in red and it should be here around the 10th. Decided to hold off on this beautiful small round table with a stained glass surface with flowers and butterflies for now because I think it would be too low to set the laptop on. I don’t expect to spend a whole lot of time out there anyway.

Last night I tossed and turned like crazy because I kept waking up with this horrible pain in the middle of my back. It’s the type of backache I tend to get when I’m PMSing, only this was a lot worse than usual. I took an ibuprofen a half-hour after I took my thyroid medication.

I had a strange dream that we were flying from someplace and we landed in this garage-type building. I was so sure the plane was going to smash through the back wall of the garage, but it didn’t.

I also had a dream that I was taking statins again. Really hope that’s not a sign of any kind.

SUNDAY, MARCH 1, 2015 Yesterday was both fun and relaxing, though I never did hear from my sister. I left her a message on Facebook asking if she left a message that I might not have gotten. More than likely she just hasn’t gotten around to it yet.

We are ordering a brand-new bench swing sometime today. We sat on the model in the store and it was so comfortable. I expected it to be $400 - $500 but it’s actually just $200. It seats three people and has a little canopy. The canopy is kind of pointless, though, because it is going on a covered patio. It is still going to be nice to have for when I feel like sitting outside in the fresh air, assuming it isn’t noisy at the moment with landscaping and woodworking sounds. Not gonna be out there much with bees in the daytime and spiders at night.

Made a small order on Amazon… a small pink ballerina silhouette sticker for the side of the bookcase, and a couple of pairs of dusting gloves. I think that will make dusting, my least favorite chore, a lot easier and faster. I will still have to use the Swiffer dusting wand for areas that I can’t reach, though.

Tom tossed up to me the idea of getting a vinyl-printing machine and making my own stickers, but I would not use it enough for it to be worth the $300.

I have officially retired my big Mac after 7 years. It’s been a very fun, interesting and useful 7 years. I will keep it as a backup in case my new MacBook has any problems. I’m still not sure what I want to do as far as keyboards and monitors go. I miss having a big monitor, but downsizing the screen size has allowed me to wear only my bifocals, which I prefer. There was a beautiful 30-inch monitor in the store for $150 or so, but I’m still not sure what I want to do. I just know that it is extremely hard to type on this keyboard with long nails so I am all the more appreciative of dictation. If they could ever break or I could convince myself to cut them off, then it would just take some getting used to. These Chiclet keys aren’t like the raised keys I’m used to typing on, which allows for slightly longer nails. OMG, a woman who’s been attracted to other women with long nails? LOL! I don’t let my tastes dictate my appearance. I even have long hair and sometimes I wear dresses and makeup.

Definitely thinking of getting a 10-key extension because there are four or five keys that are missing from the laptop that really come in handy.

Yesterday I got to hear my friend Irene’s voice for the first time, and it was so cool being able to understand most of the German that she spoke, and how she could understand me as well when I spoke German. She sounded a lot younger than I expected her to sound for being 53 years old. She too, hasn’t heard from Nane since October. As I’ve learned, though, Nane’s number one person in life is herself. As long as she can be the judgmental hypocrite that she was, and getting worse by the minute, I can live with not hearing from her, but can understand where it might hurt Irene because they go back 30 years.

I sure did hear from Paula yesterday. It was so funny too because she sent me a belated birthday card. Haha, that was really nice of her. Maybe I will go ahead and suffer through a phone call to her as much as I hate those who ramble on and on about themselves and never let you get a word in edgewise.

Even though it may be a bit premature since we’re not getting a cat until after our trip to Reno in the spring, I have already begun catproofing the place. Fortunately, I don’t get breakable items very often anymore when I do get knickknacks and things like that. I prefer vinyl to porcelain. The few breakable pieces I do have that are valuable have been moved to different locations that will be out of the cat’s reach. I thought that Bailey would be too big to be put in the hutch but she actually looks good sitting in there.

I had a strange dream involving Maliheh although Maliheh never appeared in the dream. I either broke into her small one-bedroom house, had a key, or found the door unlocked. When I entered her living room I found the bedroom door shut and could hear the shower running, so I knew she was in the shower at that time. I sat down on the living room couch and waited for her, hoping we could work things out and become friends again. I knew she never had the crush on me that I once had on her and I was okay with that. I just wanted to be friends again with her whereas in real life I don’t ever want anything to do with her again.

As I sat on the couch I began to eat something, though I don’t know what it was. By the couch, there was food cooking on some kind of grill that wasn’t really a grill, which said it came from a yard sale. There were two large sandwiches or pieces of meat cooking. Whatever it was seemed like an awful lot of food for one person and I began to wonder if somebody else was with her in the bedroom or the shower.

I suddenly realized that I could get in an awful lot of trouble by being there uninvited and so I decided it would be best to leave. I placed the small plate down on the couch with my uneaten food and then I began to gather my stuff. I had taken my shoes, socks, and jacket off while I waited for her on the couch. I gathered it up and headed outdoors into what was a very warm and rainy night. I ran along the wet sidewalk barefoot, now determined not to be seen by Maliheh. I figured that she might have heard the front door closing as I left and I expected either her or a possible girlfriend of hers to come out looking for me. I was careful to cross a side street without getting run over and searched for a place to put my shoes and socks on.

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