#this post feels cringe with optimism

[sonickitty]

Just saw a post that said (in meme form) "i can excuse genocide but i draw the line at not voting" and I wasn't going to dignify that with notes but I did just want to process that thru a post of my own because it psychologically transported me to Facebook circa 2015. Takes that bad belong on Facebook circa 2015. Like yeah, there is a lot of dismissiveness and callousness and obliviousness to genocide and Palestine and Congo, and also people acting like their emotional and ethical fatigue is more important than facing those crises. But is abstaining from voting not just another expression of exactly that?

I know I've failed to show up for one reason or another - and in the US there are many reasons. If you're planning to abstain because you have a political position, a personal conviction about this - I don't want to preach at you; I believe you that you've thought about this. But if you're abstaining because you're tired, or scared, or hopeless, or angry... like if this is just a knee jerk reaction to your own pain... you're not better than the people who are dismissing genocide. You're succumbing to the same human emotions that they are.

And if you're just spreading fear and apathy about voting and keeping people scared and silent and disenfranchised - that's actually really fucked up. Try saying something beautiful and true or whatever.

Anyway. Today I'd like to thank [picks off a list] Susan B. Anthony for my sex change. Without women voters then we couldn't have trans faggot voters today. Or at least I'd be working even harder for trans faggotry than I already am. May the hours I spend at the polls give power to generations of trannies to come forever and ever, amen.

[fairestbeard]

The Bear “Pop” episode (S2x05) and the use of signs.

*so this meta is based on the assumption that The Bear is using magical realism in its story telling. Take it as seriously as your delusion can carry cos we love being delusional in here and having a marvelous time.(Yeah, Carmy! Fun. Get it?)😁

I noticed a few things upon re-watching the show for the umpteenth time. I never liked episode 5 because it was so Claire-centric and seemed very bleh but because I was still trying to be objective about it, I tried to watch it again and I couldn’t escape the way danger signs were grabbing me throughout the episode.

The abundance of red:

 Red could signify passion, desire or even adventure. It could also signify danger. It took a while to get it; why I had the feeling of unease throughout the episode before (I had chalked it up to just the corny dialogue and cringe dramatics), now I strongly believe it was intentionally shot in the way it was, both the cinematography and dialogue to create that effect within the viewer (hypothetically, of course, one can’t be entirely sure).

 The use of red flagging:

-At the beginning red tapings are shown throughout the restaurant as part of the renovations.

-We see Carmy trying to get a hang of the mechanics of the prep markings and never making time on it much to his frustration. He is repeatedly shown against a red backdrop. This already sets up the idea that Carmy might be in danger of some sort.

- Uncle Jimmy comes in and takes over the background. We would later discover along the show (season 3) that he’s having money problems- basically going broke.

-They show Carmy tearing down a red barrier to gain access, which might be indicative that he isn’t reading the signs. Later he calls Claire, despite showing signs of feeling discomfort about it. This feeds the major progression of the episode.

-After a lackluster errand posting mail with Claire, They attend a party (I’m not even going to go into the cringe/disturbing segue into the party invitation, just focusing on the use of signs). Once, they get into the venue there is an unmistakable abundance of red- from the cups, bowls and various containers to the decorations- it’s just glaring red.

-Also before the party scene, we see Nat breaking the news to Syd that Carm has been hanging out with Claire and there’s red peppered throughout Nat’s background and she’s wearing a red inner top.

-His misery at that party is palpable as well but we won’t focus on that. Neither will we focus on the recoil inducing Logan saga. When Carm and Claire have their (romantic?) aside they are enveloped in a sea of red.

-Carm invites Claire to the restaurant and even there she is constantly against a red sign. She meets Syd and both of them immediately seem to be placed in a conflicting position as Syd is irked about Carmy abandoning his duties (and possibly also jealous). Claire is mostly flanked by a red sign, Syd is shown against an orange backdrop (orange could signify optimism, happiness, etc).

Syd leaves soon after.

-While Carmy and Claire are hanging out in the restaurant, Claire asks “What’s with all the green?” She doesn’t notice the red tapes and plasters but she wonders about the greens, which basically indicate the things he actually needs to be working at, at that time and in general green is also associated with growth, progress, etc. On the whiteboard, “carm/syd menu review” is written and circled in green.

While showing her around, he explains that ideally the prep should pass from station to station in five seconds and she comments that it’s fast. Carmy agrees “we’re very fast”, which seems to be a double entendre signifying that the relationship is moving too fast.

-Fak interrupts them as they try to kiss. He goes to send Fak away and when he turns to rejoin Claire, she is seen framed in taping, in what looks like a red question mark with the clock in view. ?! This is the first thing I had noticed and what made me re-watch the episode more closely.

 

Then I found this bone chilling clue:

This had been one of my personal worst part of the episode and seemed like a complete waste of scene- until it didn’t !!

While going into the house hosting the party, they are accosted by a weirdo who calls Carmy “bro” and claims to have been in the same wrestling team as him. Carmy doesn’t even recognize him. He then asks Carmy,

“What are you doing?”

Not, what are you doing here? Not, where have you been?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING????

And it sounds spookily like an accusation, a plea, a warning: A message.

Carmy is making a mistake! Maybe the mistake is the person, maybe the timing, maybe the approach. But Carmy in that moment is making a mistake.

We’ll see in consequent episodes that Carmy is quite spiritual. That whenever he looks up he actually is sending a prayer. He was actually the only one who took the “our mother of victory prayer” seriously, whereas it was more tongue-in-cheek for his other siblings. So maybe he was receiving a message from his higher power, or maybe from Michael, even(bro).

 

But in true Carmy fashion, he just wouldn’t listen!

[age-of-greta]

The Sun

The Sun presents a feeling of optimism and fulfillment. It represents the dawn which follows the darkest of nights.

Author’s note: wow hi!!! It’s been a minute! Life has been busy, but I have been thinking of this fic for a while. This one is entirely spontaneous and will have no posting schedule. Just as soon and I can get it written it will be out. I hope you guys enjoy :)

Pairing: Josh x reader and Jake x reader

Warnings: cursing, angst, adult themes, alcoholic consumption, smoking

Word count: 10.1 k

PART 1:

“I can’t fucking stand you! Matter of fact, I hate you!” You scream, your voice raw with emotion.

He lets out a laugh. “Yeah, right back at you Sugar.”

You’re boiling inside. Filled with rage, sadness, and anger. You can’t decide which emotion is the most prominent at the moment. You blink away the hot tears that have formed in your eyes. You feel the sting of them rolling down your cheeks.

“I’m fucking done. We are done. It’s over.” You say, with still a hint of anger, but at least you weren’t screaming this time.

He stares at you for a moment. Blank expression, impossible to read. You think maybe for 0.1 seconds you see a hint of sorrow in his eyes, but with him that would be impossible.

Eventually he scoffs at you. “Fine by me.”

He stays for a few moments with his eyes lingering on you.

“Get the fuck out!” You shout, while tears spill down your face.

Then he’s out the door as fast as it started. Leaving you there in a puddle of your own tears and rage.

Nothing had ever made you feel this way before. You were unsure how you would ever feel normal again. But there was one thing that you were entirely sure of- you fucking hated Jake Kiszka.

**

Teal is so tacky. It’s one of the tackiest colors to exist, you had decided. That's what you were doing at this very moment staring at a teal handbag that you would like to set on fire. It was sitting on a bar next to an equally tacky girl. You realized how insane you felt, but you needed to do something to distract your mind from the truth. Tonight was your third date with a guy named Aiden. He was fine, there was nothing wrong with him. He was attractive, ambitious, successful, and nice. But a part of you knew you were already so bored with him. You never knew how to pick a good guy. Which is why you tried your best to give Aiden a fair shake. Nonetheless, here you were sitting at a booth only thinking of a teal purse. You had decided to meet for drinks after work. You wore a hot pink blazer with a white tank turtleneck and a matching hot pink skirt, that might have been a little too short for work. You wore white tall boots, with gold jewelry. Your hair was done in loose curls and you had on a full face of makeup. This wasn’t your normal attire to work, but you knew you had a date tonight. Out of the corner of your eye you see Aiden pop in. You breathe in and prepare yourself. He’s in a nice gray suit. He always looks nice.

“Hey! So sorry I’m late. Traffic was awful.” Aiden says, reaching down to hug you.

You hug him back. “Oh no you’re fine! I just got here myself. How was your day?”

He smiles at you. “It was great actually. I had a really big pitch that I think went well for me. But I’m happier now that I’m here with you. How was your day?”

You make sure to smile at that, even if it did make you cringe a little. “Well that’s great. My day was good. Rather mundane I suppose, but work feels like that everyday.”

He chuckles. “You’re right about that. Ready for some drinks? A martini right?”

You nod your head. “Yes please.”

“Great. I’ll be right back. You look beautiful by the way.” He says with a smile before he heads over to the bar.

You take a moment to breathe in a little. Aiden was so nice. You had already decided that you would go on another date with him when he would inevitably ask later. You picked at your nails while you waited for your date and drink. You eyed the door constantly, that wasn’t a good sign. It was somewhat stuffy inside, but maybe that was in your head. You were just finding something to complain about. You had been like that for a while. Anytime a man would show interest you bounced. The truth is you were looking for someone to set your soul on fire. You craved a love so deep, that even the ocean would be jealous.

Instead you got guys like Aiden. Again, nothing wrong with him. But he didn’t ignite you. You knew who was to blame, but you hated to even think of him. So you chose to do this same routine over and over. Dating- then never speaking again. It’s not like you necessarily needed a man in your life, you were perfectly content with your life as is. But you wanted excitement again. Maybe if you gave Aiden a chance he could be that for you. Though you doubted it. You continued to eye the door. It wasn’t really busy, but every now and then someone would walk in. Mostly people in suits off to commence nefarious activities, then wake up and do it all again tomorrow. That life never spoke to you, but here you were smack dab in the middle of it. Funny how life works.

You fiddled around with your nails some more, damn you needed to get them done. You glanced up and thought your eyes were playing tricks on you.

Hair.

Then he spoke.

Immediately you felt chills run down your spine. There’s a voice you hadn’t heard in years. There’s no way. You creep your head around the corner and see four very familiar faces. Your blood runs cold and your face becomes incredibly pale. Holy shit.

You whip your head back into your booth trying to stay out of their line of sight. What were they doing here? Why were they here? What?

Just then Aiden returns and hands you your martini. He frowns at you when he sees your face. “Hey, is everything okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

You blink a few times and nod your head. “I’m um- I’m fine.”

He sits back down across from you and takes your hand. “Are you sure?”

Just then that voice rings from right behind you. Now it’s closer.

“Oh shit. Well hey Sugar.”

You turn around and Jake is standing over you with a shit eating grin plastered on his face. You’re absolutely shocked and horrified. You try to speak but nothing comes out.

“I thought I heard your voice.” He flicks his eyes over to Aiden and extends his hand. “Hi. Jake Kiszka.”

Aiden gives him a strange look, but eventually extends his hand and says “Aiden.”

Finally you are able to muster up the courage to speak. “Jake.” You say calmly. “What are you doing here?”

He smirks at you. “I could ask you the same thing, Sugar. We were out scouting bars. We just moved here and I’ve got to say, you were the last person I was expecting to see tonight.”

You furrowed your brows while your voice goes up an octave higher. “What? You just moved here? Like from Michigan?”

Then the rest of them make their way over. You see Sam, Danny, and your old friend Josh.

Aiden clears his throat, clearly sensing your tension. “How do you guys know each other?”

Jake flicks his eyes to you and gives a wide smile. “Old friends.”

Aiden huffs a little at that. “Okay. Well looks like you have some catching up to do, with your old friends. I’ll call you tomorrow? I’d love to plan something if you’re free Saturday.”

You look back over at Aiden and nod your head.

He excuses himself and slides out of the booth.

“Bye Aiden! Lovely meeting you!” Jake yells out.

Jackass.

The other three are now approaching the table.

“Holy shit!” Sam exclaims when he sees you.

“Oh, hi Sam.”

Then you’re standing up and Sam hugs you, then Danny’s hugging you. Then you see Josh.

“Hi.” He says, standing there with his arms around his back. “Long time no see.”

You are unsure of what to say to that. “Hi Josh.”

“So, can we join you or what?” Jake asks.

You let out a breath and then motion your hand for them to all sit in your booth.

Jake scoots in right next to you. Immediately you feel the need to down your whole martini so you do.

“Whew. Damn Sugar. You okay?” Jake asks, nudging you.

You nod. “Yeah. Just wasn’t expecting such a-“ You pause. “Reunion.”

Josh smiles at you. “I can tell. Well don’t fret if it’s unpleasant for you. It’s just temporary. We are here with a new label working on an album. They decided to rent a house out to us for the next few months.”

You feel bad all of a sudden. You loved Josh. You and he had been friends for years. That was until you started dating Jake. You see, you and Josh had been friends after meeting in a coffee shop in Detroit. You had grown close with all of them, but Josh was your best friend. You two were practically inseparable. You pretty much did everything together. Then, one night you and Jake hooked up and the rest was history. It was hard on Josh. But you were too enamored by Jake to quit. You both had fallen fast and hard. Taking things way too fast, but it felt euphoric. Jake was like a drug. The highs were so high. But the lows were so low. You and Jake were only together for around 10 months. It was a toxic and crazy relationship. The only thing you and Jake were ever good at was sex. To this day no one made you come as hard as he had. But Jake acted like a selfish child. You two spent more time arguing than anything else. When you had broken up you had cut off all contact with all of them. You couldn’t bear it any longer. Josh had tried to reach out to you, but you ignored it. You wanted to forget Jake had ever existed- and that meant cutting off all people who reminded you of him. Then, you had moved to Nashville and gone on with life. You hadn’t seen or spoken to any of them since the break up.

“No it’s not that it’s unpleasant at all. Just unexpected. I never pegged you guys to settle down in… Nashville.” You said, trying to give a convincing smile.

Jake chimes in. “Settle down? We aren’t necessarily doing that. It’s temporary. I fear domesticity.”

You scoff. “Yep. I know.”

Jake laughs at you. “Good one.”

Josh changes the subject. “So what are you up to these days?”

You shift your gaze to Josh. “Well nothing as exciting as you guys. I work at a marketing firm and I have a Beta fish.”

Josh smiles at you. “That does sound exciting. Marketing huh? I can totally see it.”

You nod. “Congratulations to you all by the way on your success.”

“Thank you! We’ve been trying. It’s been a while since the garage band days.” Sam says.

“Yeah. It seems as if we’ve all grown up.” You say, still trying to push back negative feelings.

“Sam, Josh, you guys wanna go get drinks?” Danny asks, obviously trying to give you and Jake a moment to speak.

They both agree and follow Danny to the bar.

“I’ll take a whiskey on the rocks!” Jake yells to them and Sam gives him a thumbs up.

Then it’s just you two alone again. You turn around to face Jake. He’s still wearing that same smirk.

“You know Sugar, I’m digging the pink. You look good.”

You try not to let those words affect you. “Thanks.” You reply flatly.

“So, Aiden?” Jake asks.

You take a sip of the other martini on the table. “What about him?”

Jake hums. “Doesn’t really scream to me your type.”

“Oh yeah? Well what is my type?” You poke.

“Me.” Jake says and grins ear to ear.

You swig the martini again. “Funny.”

“C’mon Sugar. Lighten up. We’re just two old friends catching up.”

You pinch your face up and look at him. “Oh is that what we are?”

Jake smirks at you. “Okay well you know- ex lovers, future lovers. It’s all the same.”

You roll your eyes at him. He was always so full of charm which drove you crazy.

The other three returned with drinks in hand.

“So what are we getting up to tonight? It feels just like old times now.” Sam says with a bright smile.

You start to shut that down. “Count me out unfortunately. I have to work in the morning.”

It gets a little quiet.

“Well what are you doing this weekend?” Josh asks.

“I have pilates, but other than that I guess I’m free.” You reply.

“Does Aiden know that?” Jake teases.

You roll your eyes again.

“We have a show we’re doing this weekend. Would love if you could come and see us play after all this time.” Josh adds.

You pause for a minute, contemplating your options. But you didn’t want to seem so abrasive to Josh, you really did feel bad for ghosting him the way that you did. “Yeah, that sounds fun. I’ll be there.”

Josh smiles at you. “Great.”

“We can have a pass up front for you. Then I guess maybe uh Jake could text you the details?” Sam says cautiously.

Jake chuckles. “I’m blocked.”

Sam falls quiet, fearing maybe he had stirred something up between the two of you.

You try to lighten the situation. “Oh yeah? How do you know that?”

Jake shrugged. “I’ve reached out here and there. It’s never gone through.”

Yikes.

You clear your throat. “Josh? Do you still have my number? If not I can text you.”

“I’ve still got it.” Josh says lightly.

You half smile. “Great. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to slip out of here. It was truly great seeing you guys.”

“Care if I walk you out?” Josh asks.

You weren’t really expecting that.

“Oh yeah sure.” You reply.

You smile and nod everyone else off and Jake has that same smirk on his face.

“See ya soon Sugar.” Jake says, eyeing you up and down.

“Jake.” Is all you say with a nod.

Then you and Josh are walking out of the bar. It’s definitely awkward and there’s so much to be said, but you’re so unsure where to start.

“I’m just right here.” You say motioning over towards your car. “Thank you for walking me.”

Josh gives you a small smile. “So if I text you are you actually going to respond?”

Ouch.

“Josh I-“ You start.

He holds his hand up to you. “I’m only teasing. I know it was a weird situation.”

There was the sweet and understanding Josh he had always been. “It was. But there was still no excuse for me to do what I did to you.”

Josh shakes his head. “Consider it water under the bridge.”

You give a small sigh of relief. “Thank you.”

“I’ll see you Saturday?” Josh questions.

You nod. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Josh smiles. “Good.”

“Hug?” You say extending your arms out.

Josh obliged and stepped in and hugged you. It felt like comfort. You smiled into his shirt. When you both let each other go. Josh was reciprocating that smile.

“I’m glad I ran into you tonight. Get home safe.”

“Me too. Bye Josh.”

“Bye.”

Then he stood outside and watched you pull out, waving you off.

Your head was running a million miles an hour. What just happened? You felt like you wanted to vomit, half bile, half rainbows. All you knew was that now you had to prepare for a Saturday with your ex-boyfriend, old best friend, and their band.

**

Saturday had rolled around quicker than you had anticipated. You huffed as you threw your pilates bag into your car. In a way you were ready to work out all of the anxiousness and frustration you felt. Your pilates studio wasn’t too far from your townhouse. It was in an upscale little plaza next to a smoothie shop, which you would definitely be taking advantage of after. Once you arrived you checked into your class and rolled out your mat. You took a few deep breaths and adjusted your attire. You wore a rather loud pair of green leggings that fit you like tights, and a white sports bra top. You unlaced your white sneakers, letting your bare feet hit the mat. You felt grounded, drained of negative energy. Pilates was always an outlet for your stress, better that than alcohol.

After an intense session you felt reborn. You rolled up your mat and hit the locker room, splashing cold water on your face. You took your hair down and watched it cascade down your shoulders, it had gotten so long. You dried your face with a clean towel and wiped the sweat from your hairline. You rolled on some deodorant and you were vibrating with excitement at the thought of the peanut butter banana protein smoothie you were about to inhale. After dropping off your items in your car you walked with some pep in your step to the entrance of the smoothie cafe only to be met with confusion.

Jake?

He saw you through the door as soon as you saw him, his face lighting up with a smile as he got up to meet you at the door.

“Hey Sug. What a pleasant surprise.” He greeted, as you stepped in.

“Are you stalking me?” You ask, half serious.

He lets out a chuckle. “You wish. No, Josh and I are here meeting with our social media manager. She wanted smoothies, but I’ve got to say I was hoping this pilates studio next door was the one you frequented.”

You glance around him and see Josh at the table giving you a wave while a blonde girl scrolled through a laptop.

“So why this smoothie place? Did you search for one closest to a pilates studio?” You ask in an accusatory tone.

“You overestimate me Sug. This was just the closest one to our house.” He replies coolly.

“Closest?” You ask with pinched brows.

“Yeah. Our house is somewhat secluded I guess. It’s a few miles behind that block of townhomes.”

“Motherfucker.” You whisper.

Jake looks at you strangely. “What?”

”Nothing.” You say dismissively.

He cracks that annoyingly perfect smile at you. “Don’t tell me you live close to there?”

You glance up at him, always finding it hard to lie to him “I do.”

”Well I’ll be damned. What does fate have in store for us Sug?” He asks through a smirk.

You scoff at him. He was ridiculous.

“Let me at least buy you a smoothie and you can come join us.” Jake offers.

You make a face at him. “I don’t need you to buy my smoothie Jake.”

He cracks a smile at you and places his hand on your lower back ushering you towards the ordering station. “I know you don’t need me to. But I want to. Y’know good karma and all.”

You scoff. “It would take a lot more than a smoothie to give you good karma.”

He lets out a small laugh. “You’re right.”

You two order and stand by the counter while you’re waiting on all of the smoothies. He had ordered one for him, Josh, and the laptop girl too.

You try to tune Jake out but you can feel his eyes burning into you.

“What?” You ask, looking over at him.

“Ah nothing. I thought pink was your color, but it might be green.” He suggests with a smirk, while nodding his head towards your tight green leggings that are practically painted on you.

You roll your eyes but feel your face flushing red. Thankfully, they call your order number up and you grab your smoothie and Josh’s while Jake waits for whatever else he ordered. You walk towards the booth and are greeted with a smiley Josh. You decide to slide in next to him, the blonde girl barely looks up from her computer.

“Ah I thought that was you. I didn’t know you would be joining us this morning?” Josh questions, almost as if he would believe that you and Jake had planned this.

You lightly laughed at that notion. “Yeah me either. My pilates studio is next door. I come here religiously for these protein shakes.”

“Pilates and protein? What happened to my beer and mac & cheese girl?” He teases with a bright smile.

You huff a laugh, but before you can respond Jake comes buzzing over to the table. “Here ya go Dev.” Jake says, sliding over to the blonde girl who was so wrapped up in her computer. However, that’s not the case anymore.

She flashes a smile to Jake. “Oh thank you Jake.” She says, her voice thick with sweetness.

Oh she likes him. You can tell by the way her eyes light up when she sees him. You get it, you really do. But why is it bothering you?

Josh clears his throat. “Okay, well maybe proper introductions are in order here? Devan this is y/n. We all go way back.”

Jake snickers at that. “Yeah, way back.”

You flick a brief look of judgment at Jake, but you notice your heart rate quicken.

“Yes… and this is Devan, she is our newly hired social media coordinator. She’s brilliant. I figured you two might have some common ground with your marketing career?” Josh offers.

Devan meets your eyes. She’s pretty. Moderately short dirty blonde hair with platinum highlights, blue eyes lined perfectly with black eyeliner and encased in black rimmed large eye glasses. You weren’t sure if they were for seeing or fashion, but they looked great on her. She was trendy in a business casual way. Very much a Nashville girl.

You flashed her a smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Devan.”

She offers you a tight lipped smile before averting her eyes back to her computer. “Mhm likewise.”

Oh. You would completely understand her demeanor had she behaved like this the whole time. Work is work. However, she lit up like a Christmas tree for Jake. So you were led to believe that you and her would not be making each other friendship bracelets anytime soon.

“Jake, can you tell me what you think of this filter?” Devan asks in that sickeningly sweet voice again.

Jake glances up at you slightly with a grin and scoots closer to Devan. He brushes his hand with hers as he scrolls on the mousepad and you see her cheeks dust with pink. “Oh wow. Devan this is beautiful. We really are so lucky to have hired you.” He says nudging her shoulder. “Josh, look at this.”

Jake spins the computer around and you glance at the photo. It’s a fucking black and white picture with grain. You now know Jake is trying to put on an act since you’re here.

Josh purses his lips. “Yeah… absolutely. Looks great.”

He has always been so kind.

Your attention is diverted when your phone starts to vibrate on the table.

Aiden Rodgers flashes upon your screen and Jake sees it before you do.

“Sorry guys. I’m going to get out of here and take this call.” You look over directly to Josh. “I’ll see you later?”

Josh gives you a polite smile. “Yeah of course.”

You grab your phone that’s still lighting up the table and glance up at Jake before shuffling out of the booth.

“See you tonight. Do feel free to bring Aiden, Sug.” Jake says with a sly smile.

You make a face at him. Why did he always manage to get under your skin? As you walked off you took a deep breath and answered your phone.

**

Lunch with Aiden went perfectly well. You had fibbed a little and said that you had a family thing come up for the evening, so Aiden offered lunch. He took you to a cute little patio restaurant where you indulged in a salmon and goat cheese salad with a lemon blueberry mojito. He was funny and charming. But you couldn’t help but let your mind drift elsewhere while he was speaking. You sent Aiden off with a hug and a promise to call him soon. Now you sat in your living room nursing a wine cooler contemplating what you would even wear tonight. What is the attire for attending your rockstar ex-boyfriend’s concert? Part of you wanted to bail on the whole night and not even go, but you couldn’t do that to Josh. Despite all of the shit with Jake, Josh was always there for you. It was about time you showed some reciprocation after all this time.

You groaned and peeled yourself off of your couch. There was a laundry list of things that needed to be done before tonight and you had better get started. Your phone buzzed whilst you were in the middle of an everything shower. When you climbed out you check it immediately to see a text from Josh:

After party tonight at our house. Would love for you to come and you’re more than welcome to stay. Pack a swimsuit!

You felt a swirl of emotions hit you. You missed them and you knew going would be fun. But were you ready to be around Jake for longer than 10 minutes? You dried off and tried to do anything but contemplate how the night might play out. Once you had completed all of your skincare, you threw your hair up to dry in a turban towel and picked through your closet. You fingered through your dresses, business casual blouses, and blazers. Nothing spoke to you. Then, it hit you.

Black.

Jake had said he loved you in pink and green, but you still remember the way he trembled when you wore black. You tried to reason with yourself that the sole reason you were choosing your outfit was not based on him, but you were drawing blanks.

Once you applied sultry makeup and put bouncing curls in your hair you were ready to get dressed. You picked up your lingerie-esk black see through cami adorned with lace. It was entirely sheer except for the front. You decided to pair it with a longer silk black skirt with a high slit and black strappy heels. Once, you were dressed, you accessorized and sprayed yourself with a perfume that made you smell like a walking dessert. You might have taken a liquid shot of courage before you got into your Uber to head to the venue.

There was a line of fans outside and you smiled to yourself knowing that their dream was coming to fruition. You clicked your heels on the pavement up towards the box office, carrying your small duffle bag and gave them your name. You were given a lanyard and entrance to the side door where a rather muscular man led you down empty hallways. He smiled and attempted to strike a flirty conversation with you while taking your bag to carry it, but you were already bored of him as he droned on about how important he was. Finally you had made it to a lounge area where you saw Danny rummaging through the fridge with Sam hot on his heels. You laughed to yourself at a memory that had come to mind seeing the scene before you. Josh had always called them tweedle dee and tweedle dumb in the most endearing way. Where there was one the other surely would be in tow.

“Y/n! Hey! You look hot!” Sam yelled, rather loudly as soon as he noticed your presence.

“I believe this is where I leave you ma’am.” Muscles said, sitting your bag down on a chair. “If you require my assistance later or need help getting to your seat, here’s my number.”

You politely accepted his small slip of paper and tried to pretend like you didn’t see his wink.

“You made it!” Josh stated enthusiastically heading your way.

You wrapped him in a warm embrace. “I’m done dodging you.”

He smiled at those words. “Promise?”

”Pinky.” You said, extending your finger out towards him.

This was something you and Josh had done in the past. The most serious of vows, your pinky promises.

You saw his heart swell at your action, happy to have his best friend back. That was short lived when you felt a cloud come into the room. You could sense his eyes on you.

“Want a drink?” Josh asked, nodding towards the small wet bar.

“Just a vodka soda please.”

As one twin left you, another approached. Jake didn’t say a word as he took you in with his eyes. Scanning you up and down no doubtably undressing you with his eyes. You tried not to let that affect you.

”Jake.”

He nodded towards you. “Sugar. You look… just wow. Takes me back to a different time.”

Your face slightly reddens at his admission. You expected more of a sleazy conversation from Jake rather than an unintentional trip down memory lane.

The mood shifts entirely when Josh comes back with a vodka soda and two limes.

“You remembered.” You say to Josh with a smile, gesturing towards the extra lime.

“Of course. How could I forget?” He replies with a grin.

Jake clears his throat. “Well glad you could make it. We have a hell of a show tonight and I assume you’ll be at our house later of course for the party?”

You give a quick glance to Josh, who is looking at you hopefully. “Yep. I’ll be there.”

Jake flashes you a mischievous grin. “Excellent. Enjoy yourself tonight Sug.” Then he heads off to converse with one of his technicians.

“Rather brooding isn’t he?” Josh jabs.

You snicker at that. “I’ll say.”

Josh turns towards you and places a hand on your back. “I’m glad you’re here. I’ve missed you.”

A wave of guilt mixed with sentimentality rushes through your veins. You loved Josh. No matter what happened with Jake, he was still that beautiful shining beacon of light for you. It was then you had decided to focus on him rather than concern yourself with whatever Jake may do. “I missed you too Josh, so much.”

“Alright everyone! Openers are about to go on. I need you all dressed and ready to shoot some social media content in ten!”

You glance across the room and see Devan with an iPad in hand. She was wearing a similar stylish business casual outfit like she had previously worn. When she finally looked up from her screen she noticed you immediately and gave a harsh face. It was brief, but you had caught it.

“Devan can we push this back a little? Y/n just got here and I’d like to show her around.” Josh asks.

Devan makes a face a Josh before tapping furiously on her tablet. “Eh sorry no can do Josh. The best I could do is an additional fifteen minutes but that will cut into Danny’s tik tok later. Besides, we need to make sure we are staying somewhat confidential with our filming so that nothing gets leaked.”

You felt a pit form in your stomach. She didn’t want you around and you were intruding on their work.

“Uh Devan she’s basically family.” Sam chimes in. “She wouldn’t dare leak anything.”

“No, it’s fine!” You try to say as nonchalant as possible. “I wanted to catch some of the opening act anyway. You guys go and get dressed and do your thing.”

Josh gives you a sad look, but eventually nods on.

“I’ll call that security guard to come fetch you. Oh! Jake! I need your feedback on something.” Devan says, hurrying over towards Jake who looks at you with raised brows.

“One sec Dev. Gonna walk y/n to her seat.” He says, shuffling past her.

He walks up to you with a pleased smile and sticks his arm out. “Shall we?”

You give him a pointed look and huff before grabbing his arm. “Break a leg.” You say to Josh with a smile.

He gives you a half hearted smile back and nods. You wondered why his mood had seemed to change, but Jake’s voice quickly snapped you out of your thoughts.

“Excited?”

You hum. “I supposed. Eager to see how much you’ve all changed.”

Jake chews on his cheeks before he speaks. “I guess we all have… changed quite a bit. Grew up a little.”

You laugh. “Oh, have you? That seems far-fetched for some of you.”

He huffs a laugh back. “You’re talking about Sam right?”

“Oh most definitely.” You snicker, but can’t hide the smile that creeps out. “You didn’t have to walk me, you know. I can manage.”

“And leave that meathead to try and sweep you off your feet? No way Sugar, I’m the only one who can do that. Besides, these halls can be empty. No one around. Private really.” He retorts with a shit eating grin.

There he is. You roll your eyes. “Oh Jake, you really always have been ever so charming.”

“You flatter me. But in all honesty it can be difficult to navigate around backstage. When we first started playing at bigger venues I would get lost just trying to find somewhere to smoke a fucking cigarette.”

“Cigarettes? That’s a nasty little habit.” You say with faux disapproval.

He turns towards you and sets his eyes on yours. “Quite. Sometimes the things that can hurt you the most are what you want more than anything. You crave it.”

You feel your heartbeat quicken at that statement. Your chest starts to blaze with an indescribable feeling, but before you can respond you’re interrupted.

“VIP guest? I’ll usher her over to side stage.” A crew member says approaching you and Jake.

Jake clears his throat and nods at the man. “Yep, thank you.”

Then he turns away and heads in the opposite direction without looking back at you. You felt your brain spinning as you blinked to come back to reality. You were taken to your seat where you were surprisingly close to the stage. You weren’t necessarily in seats, but had a foldout chair side stage on the floor. Your mind drifted to what they might play and if Jake played with as much passion as he used to. When you two had dated you were mesmerized watching him play. His dedication, his intensity, the way his body swayed around that guitar, the facial expressions, the sweat, his…hands. Stop. You couldn’t think that way. That time was over. You have moved on. You were over Jake. Right? You hated him. Didn’t you? You massaged your temples and requested a drink from a crew member. When it arrived you nursed the burning liquid in attempt to suppress whatever in the hell your psyche was feeling. You tried to concentrate on the openers, but before you knew it their set was over and you were left thinking what the next setlist might be. Since you went no contact, you did not go out of your way to search for them or their music. You only know the early days. The early days. Would they play it? Your song? They used to play it all the time. A catchy song written drunkenly by Jake and Josh one night when they were younger, but you were the driven force behind its publication. They played it all the time. It was a great jam song, but no one knew Jake had dedicated it to you. Anxiousness swirled in your stomach as you anticipated the mere minutes before they would take to the stage. You had to admit there was quite a turn out. They had fans and not just casual ones either. A part of you felt proud while another solem that you had missed the build up to this moment.

The lights dimmed and cheering ensued. Then you heard those familiar chords billow through the speaker. It couldn’t be. Your song? They started with your song? Josh’s wailing fills the venue and Jake’s fingers move at lightning speed to match his twin. Highway Tune. Your song.

So sweet. So fine. So nice. Oh my.

Jake used to jokingly say this to you all the time. Your body betrayed you as you swayed to that ever so familiar sound, the build up to the catchiest little riff that has haunted you for years. For a moment Jake’s eyes meet yours and a bright smile appears on his face followed by a wink. He knew what he was doing. The song comes to a close and you hold your breath in anticipation to see if they do it. Danny beats the skin off of his drums, Sam plucks wildly at his bass, Jake strums and struts, you see Josh take a breath and then look at you before the close out.

Sugarrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

**

You were reeling after the last two hours of whatever that was. A rush of conflicting emotions assaults all of your senses as you make your way backstage. Starting off with your song and then you heard a song that made a pit form in your stomach. You’re The One. Was that about you? Timeline wise it would make sense. You wouldn’t dare ask in fear of being embarrassed if it wasn’t about you. But you had a gut feeling that it was.

All of a sudden they all rush back into the green room high off adrenaline.

“So, what did you think?” Danny asks, grabbing a towel to wipe the sweat from his chest.

“You guys were phenomenal. Seriously, I was blown away.”

Danny smiles, clearly pleased with your answer while Sam pulls you into his side for a hug.

“Feels so nostalgic in here huh?”

You let out a small laugh. “Sure does Sammy.”

“Nostalgia for sure Sug.” Jake says, pressing a freshly poured glass of some dark liquid to his lips. His eyes are intense as they study you, trying to see if there’s any falter behind you.

You breath out when you see Josh and take the opportunity to get you out of this weird eye contact that you have with Jake. “Josh! Oh my god, your voice! You were absolutely amazing. So grown up now.”

He smiles sweetly at you. “You’re too kind. It’s been a work in progress for a while.”

“I can tell. I always knew you were talented but I just- wow.”

He blushes slightly at that.

“Yeah yeah enough of the love fest. Can we please go home and start drinking?” Sam says in a faux annoyed tone while sending you a wink.

“Don’t have to ask me twice. Wanna ride with me Sug?” Jake asks looking towards you with raised eyebrows

You swallow thickly at that. “I’ll hang back with Josh. Gotta find my bags anyway.”

“Suit yourself.”

**

“Josh!” You say in a fit of giggles as he matches your laughs.

“What? It’s true! He absolutely looked like he was snorting steroids.”

You and Josh had left the venue and were headed back to the house. You thought you would be anxious, but neither you nor Josh had shut up or quit laughing. It all felt so natural, just like it once did.

“We’re just around this corner here.” He says, whipping his jeep to the left.

“Josh.” You start. “I have a confession.”

He raises his eyebrows at you. “Yeah?”

“See those trees back there? Just to the right of that little park?”

He quints and nods.

“I live back there.”

His mouth falls open. “No shit?”

You laugh and nod. “I’m so serious! I live in one of those townhomes. That’s why I was so weirded out when I ran into you guys at the smoothie cafe.”

Josh grins and taps the steering wheel. “Hell. Small world. Who would have thought?”

“It’s the universe bringing us back together Joshy.” You say playfully giving his arm a light tap.

His grin turns into a full on smile at that. “I’ll hold you to that.”

When you arrived Josh grabbed your bag and ushered you inside. The house was quite big, definitely bigger than your townhome. There was loud music blasting inside and a slew of bodies which didn’t look familiar to you.

“Wanna take this to my room?” Josh yells over the music.

You nod and grab his hand as he leads you up the stairs.

“Shit it’s loud down there. I’m going to fix that when we get back there. I don’t wear earpieces to protect my ears on stage only to have it ruined at a shitty house party.” Josh says, as he shuts his door.

His room is so very Josh. There’s a white plush king bed in the center, perfectly made. A John Denver poster hangs on a blank wall with a few plants scattered around. But your favorite feature is a small reading nook that Josh has made out of his relatively small windowsill.

“Josh, this is so cute.” You say, running your fingers through his books. You two had always been avid readers and you were delighted to see his new found fame hadn’t changed him.

He gives you a bashful grin. “I guess. I just need a space that’s just for me. Somewhere to escape from the normal insanity that is my life.”

You shrug at him. “Understandable. The reason I chose the townhome I’m in is solely because of a clawfoot tub in my bathroom. I will sit in that thing for hours after a long day at work.”

“You still stay in there long enough to be a mermaid?”

You nod and smile. Josh use to always call you a mermaid because of your extensive baths.

“Ready to head down? I’ve got to kill this music before we get the damn cops called on us.”

You agree and follow him down the stairs. He introduces you to a few dozen people who you couldn’t possibly remember before taking two tequila shots. He throws you a seltzers and a leaves you with a promise to return as soon as he gets the music turned down. You sip on your drink as you can feel the two shots of tequila already working it’s way into your system. You took the time to walk around the house and explore. Careful to avoid any unwanted interactions. You finally found yourself in a small corner of the living room observing some vinyl that was hanging. It seems their collection had almost doubled since you last saw it.

You weren’t alone for long when you felt his presence near you. It was magnetic the way you two had always gravitated towards one another and you knew he was fighting that pull just as much as you had.

“Enjoying yourself Sugar?” Jake asks, leaning in closer than necessary so you can hear him. Immediately you can smell the booze on him. Was he trying to drink away the feelings he felt just like you were?

“Having a splendid time Jacob. Thank you.” You reply, cordially.

He laughs and presses his back up to the wall, observing the party with you. “Why do I always find you in a corner by yourself? You should be out there mingling and mixing.” He teases.

You scoff. “We all aren’t social butterflies like you I suppose.”

Jake turns back and leans in closer to you. “Don’t play coy with me Sug. Don’t forget, I know you. You are very personable. Dare I say charming even?”

You take this opportunity to poke back at him. “Charming? I think I use my charm a little bit differently than you.”

He clicks his tongue and brings his glass up to his lips. “Whatever do you mean?”

“I use my charm simply in a way that any human would; for the purpose of social interaction. Right? You use your charm to try and get panties to drop. So why are you lecturing me? You need to get out there and mix and mingle instead of standing in this corner.”

Jake studies you as you speak and takes a step even closer. He stares directly in your eyes, his slightly red and half-lidded. “Fair, but there’s only one person here that I want to try that charm out with.”

You tried not to flinch at his words, but that hit you like a bullet train. “Yeah?”

He leaned down, bracing himself on the wall. “Yeah.” He whispers into your neck. His hot breath fanning on a sweet spot that caused goosebumps to form everywhere. “And I can only get to her in this corner. Unless of course she would like to accompany me upstairs? We could do a lot of mixing and mingling up there.”

Fuck.

You feel a rush in your chest as Jake’s eyes bounce from your eyes to your lips.

Oh but his lips.

Slightly wet from nursing his drink, but so perfectly plump and pink. You tried to remember how they felt when they used to graze every inch of your skin. That thought alone sent shivers down your spine. You felt frozen in time as your heart was thudding. Maybe it was the alcohol in your system or maybe it was the burning sensation of lust coursing through your veins, but you were going to kiss him. No you were going to fuck him. You didn’t care, all of your inhibitions had long flown out the window. You stared back at him intently and fluttered your eyes tilting your head forward. He leaned in slowly and parted his lips. You followed suit. His nose brushed yours and electricity shot down your spine. This was it.

“Jake!”

Damnit.

You both spun around to see Josh heading your way. Jake huffed a few curse words under his breath as you instinctively took a step back.

Josh makes his way over to you and runs his fingers through his hair. “Thank god I found you. That redhead is looking for you. She’s been following me around for the last few minutes. Something about plans you had?”

Redhead?

Your stomach sinks slightly at that and you feel embarrassed that it did. Of course he has little flings or hell even multiple girlfriends.

Jake cocks his head at his twin and narrows his eyes at him. Almost like he cannot believe what he just said. There’s a long pause of silence between the two of them, neither breaking eye contact from the other.

Finally, Jake lets out a huff and glances back at you before walking off.

You were now beyond grateful that Josh cockblocked you.

“Such a sour puss. You ready to go swimming?” Josh asks you with a grin.

You match his. “Absolutely.”

**

You stared at yourself in the mirror feeling a little self conscious as you took in your body in the black bikini. Jake hadn’t seen your body in a while. Not since you had become more womanly and of course the months of pilates classes. You knew you looked attractive, sure but you still had those voices inside your head criticizing every imperfection. You massaged your temples to get out of your own head and threw on a large Nirvana t-shirt with some leather flip flops before leaving Josh’s bathroom.

“Ready?” He asked you, sitting patiently in his windowsill. “I got us towels.”

You let out a small laugh. “Thank you. Yes, let's go.”

You and Josh descend the stairs and head outside. There’s a decent amount of people there. You don’t scan around looking for Jake, instead keeping your eyes on Josh as he plops your towels down on a chair. He’s wearing light orange swim trunks that match his tan perfectly. It’s just now that you realize how fit he looks. He has really filled out since you last saw him.

You take off your t-shirt and slide off your flip flops, placing them all on the chair. When you glance up your eyes meet Jake’s. He’s staring at you, mouth slightly agape. He’s in the pool, with a fair skinned girl with red hair laughing and straddling him. Her arms are on his shoulders and instantly jealousy creeps down your spine. Why were you jealous? You couldn’t say, but you were. You peeled your eyes away from Jake and headed towards Josh, who was at the cooler fetching you drinks.

“Hot tub?” You ask him walking up behind him.

“Oh yeah sure-“ He turns around and his eyes scan your body. He’s not being nonchalant about it and when he catches himself his face dusts red and he clears his throat. “Yeah hot tub it is.”

You and Josh pad your way to the hot tub, opposite to where Jake and the red head were. You see Sam sitting in there animatedly speaking to Danny. You giggle because you can tell he’s intoxicated.

“Wow wow wow!” Sam whistles wildly at you two approaching. “Josh, you look incredible!”

Josh laughs at his brothers antics while taking your hand to help you climb into the hot tub. The warm water goes from slightly uncomfortable to pleasant the more you sink down in it. You crack your watermelon tequila seltzer and cheers with Josh as you get settled, opting to share a jet together.

“Sammy boy, how much have you had to drink tonight?” Josh pokes.

He throws his hand up at you two. “I lost count. I’m just trying to celebrate! Enjoy the lovely night with lovely people!”

Danny groaned at the end of that sentence and handed Sam a bottle of water. “Drink this.”

“Ah! The gang’s all back together. Where’s Jake? I’m surprised he peeled himself away from you.” Sam giggles. “He was eye fucking you all night on that stage.”

It got quiet.

“He’s in the pool.” Danny offers, bluntly.

Sam cranes his head around to look for his older brother. “Oh. Shit. Is that one Holly or Katie?”

“Holly.” Josh interjects. “Katie is the other one.”

Other one.

Sam sucks in his cheeks and turns towards you. “Sorry. I know that might be awkward for you. It’s nothing serious.”

You let out a laugh. “It’s okay Sam. It doesn't bother me.” You lie. “That was a long time ago.”

“Sam, no one was thinking that. You’re the one making things weird.” Danny says through a laugh.

Sam lets out a breath. “Pshhhhhh. Nope. Come on we all remember how they used to-“

“Sam!” Josh snaps, somewhat abruptly. “Let it be. Can we not traumatize her again?”

You play it off. “It’s fine I promise. But tell me about this house? It’s insane! You guys are living here for how long?”

Josh faces you. “It is. I’m very grateful they gave us such a big place to write this album. We used to go in the smallest cabins in the woods and hold up for weeks. But I think we should be here for at least a good six to nine months.”

You swallow at that. How would you be around them or him for that long? “Wow. Sounds like you guys will be busy then.”

Danny rolls his eyes. “We would be if we could stay on topic.”

You smile at that. “Not much has changed, has it?”

Sam sips his water. “Not even a little bit.”

**

Eventually the party had died down and the crowd began to disperse. Danny and Sam were on cleanup duty while you and Josh both quickly took a rinse shower and put dry clothes back on. You were done first, so you decided to head back down wearing gray sweat shorts with a white cropped tank. Your hair was slightly damp and had curled up significantly.

“Need any help?” You ask Sam as you see him throwing cups on a trash bag.

“That would be great.” He offers with a big smile.

You get to work and grab a bottle of cleaning solution with paper towels and being spraying and wiping down the sticky surfaces, while Sam finishes picking up trash and begins to sweep.

“You’re too sweet, you know that? I’ve always thought so.”

You giggle at his drunk confessional. “Thank you Sammy. So are you.”

He shrugs. “I guess. I’m sorry if I made you upset earlier. I’m just glad to see that you don’t have an achy Jakey heart.”

You can’t help but laugh at that one. “It’s okay, really. I’m a big girl.”

Sam grins at you. “I know you are. But for what it’s worth, he hasn’t really been the same since- you know. Despite how he acts it really fucked him up. He never said a word to indicate it, but we could all tell. I’m sure you heard that song tonight. He would absolutely kill me for saying all of this to you right now, but I feel like you should know it. If for nothing but closure. Fuck, I know I’m drunk and I’m oversharing here.”

You feel like the wind has been sucked out of you. A pool of emotions you absolutely cannot identify swirl in you. Does Jake have feelings for you? After all this time? That song? Were you right?

You’re interrupted abruptly by Josh climbing down the stairs. “Sammy, why do you have our guest working?”

Sam clears his throat, trying to drop all of the conversation that had just occurred between you two. “She volunteered because she is kind. Unlike a certain diva I know.”

“Please. Jake and I have the next clean up- that was the agreement.”

Sam rolls his eyes. “Yeah yeah. Help me take this trash out.”

Josh gives you a head nod as he grabs two bags of trash and walks with Sam towards the door.

Then you’re left in your own thoughts, absentmindedly putting away things that you have no idea where they go.

“So who are you?”

You whip your head around to see redhead approaching you. She’s still in her neon pink bikini tracking pools of water on the floors Sam had just cleaned.

You try not to narrow your eyes at her as you tell her your name. “Old friend of theirs.”

She takes in what you say. “Hm, old friend? I don’t think I’ve ever heard them talk about you.”

You’re a bit taken back by her nastiness. “And you are?”

“Holly.” She says with a smile. “Jake’s good friend. Thank you for helping clean up and all, but the party’s over. I think we’ll get it from here.”

Okay now you narrow your eyes at her. She doesn’t know you and you have a good inkling she doesn’t know how much of good friends you and Jake used to be. “Appreciate your tip and all, but I’m staying here tonight.”

She makes a face at you. “What are you taking the couch or something?”

“No.” Josh’s voice peaks from behind you. “Not that’s it’s any of your concern, but she’s staying with me.”

She drops a considerable amount of attitude with Josh in the room. “Oh! No, yeah I just didn’t know.”

She heads back outside as Josh scoffs. “Don’t worry about her.”

You flash him a smile. “What? She seems so friendly.”

He nudges your shoulder. “You have no idea.”

You and Josh had decided to go outside to make sure everything else was done before you had retired to bed. You found Jake sitting in a chair with redhead practically on top of him. His eyes found yours when you stepped outside, but you looked away quickly and refused to look back.

“Is Sam making a fucking fire?” Josh asks through a laugh.

Danny walks by and places his hand on Josh’s shoulder. “Indeed he is. Something about old times sake and a card game?”

A smile spreads across your face. “Rummy? That’s what we used to all play when we were high out of our minds.”

“Bingo!” Sam yells from a distance. “And you’re in luck baby because look what I have!” He holds up a sandwich bag full of joints.

You shake your head and smile at Josh. “Oh my god.”

He throws his arm around you. “Are you up for this?”

You think about it for a second. Contemplating being around Jake and redhead even longer. You didn’t want to be a buzzkill though, so you bit your lip and nodded your head.

You all eventually gathered around the table. You seated yourself next to Josh and Sam, trying to steer away from Jake. It was to no use when he sat down directly in front of you. His eyes bore into yours, but again you wouldn’t look at him.

“Wanna shuffle Sug?” Jake asks you, attempting to hand the cards in your direction.

You can see redhead squish her face up at the pet name.

“Sure.” You take the cards and begin to shuffle them around before dealing.

Sam lights up and starts to pass the joints around. You collect your cards and take a joint from Josh, watching him take a drag. You bring the joint to your lips and take a small hit, not wanting to do too much for the night. The smoke fills your lungs and you feel that light sensation rush to your head. You close your eyes and exhale, deciding to take another puff before passing it back to Sam. It’s not long until all of you are red eyed and smiley. The first few games were won by you and Danny, then the cards got tossed to the side stories began to flow. At this point the cotton mouth began to set it.

“Gonna go grab a bottle of water. Want one?” You turn to Josh.

He gives you a smile. “Please.”

You head towards the house and go to the bathroom first, relieving your bladder. You wash your hands and stare at the mirror, trying to fix the slight black smudge under your eyes. You were tired and ready to call it a night. Once you headed back into the kitchen you were startled by a body standing there.

“Fuck! Jake, you scared me.”

He laughs. “Sorry Sugar. Just wanted to come and check on you.”

“I’m fine.”

“You are.” His voice was like velvet. He was always somehow more attractive when he was stoned.

“Careful Jake. Don’t want your friend out there to hear.” You say nonchalantly, grabbing two bottles of water.

Jake gives you a devilish grin and steps closer. Backing you up into the countertops. “Oh come on now Sugar. Just say the words and she’s gone.”

You look up at him, studying that beautiful face. “I’m good actually.”

You shimmy out from underneath him heading back outside to Josh. You let out a deep breath before returning to the group.

“Thanks love.” Josh says, taking the bottle from you.

Jake returns to the group not uttering a word.

“I’m tired.” You announce to Josh.

“Yeah me too.” Redhead states. “Jake can we go to bed babe?”

You glance up at him. He looks at you with raised eyebrows, almost asking you. You avoid his glance and he mutters a “yeah” towards her. It sort of felt like a stab to your gut, but you wouldn’t give it any attention.

“Good night guys!” Redhead yells, toting Jake’s arm all the way inside.

You and Josh helped put the fire out before heading back inside.

“What a damn day.” Josh jokes, handing you toothpaste to put on your toothbrush.

You huff a laugh. “Tell me about it. Also I’m freezing, why is it so cold in here?”

“Daniel insists we keep the house at a crisp 68. Michigan blood isn’t used to this Tennessee heat.”

You snicker. “You would all boil if you came to my place.”

“You’ve adapted well I see.”

You shrug. “I’ve always preferred to be closer to The Sun I guess. Makes me happy.”

Josh smiles at you. “I know what you mean.”

You both brush your teeth side by side. A part of it felt so domestic, like it was something that you two had done every night forever. You chalk it off to being high and climb into bed with your once best friend.

You snuggled down into his plush sheets and both crack a few jokes before drifting off to sleep. Somehow, Josh’s arm found it’s way wrapped around you. You were no longer freezing; you were now warm.

Both inside and out.

***

Thank you for reading :)

[zombee]

i am now canyon public enemy #1 on Twitter for the Doug obituary. the buzzword of the day is bully, never mind I was screenshotted and swarmed (someone unblocked me to call me "a massive cunt." perhaps we have different definitions of the word bully!) I've also been called unsafe, because i guess writing a fake obituary that is at worst in poor taste is dangerous somehow.

i am so tired of the chokehold the canyon has on this fandom. we have been coddling them since day one. when the proto canyon ruined this character for me in early days, I quietly stopped writing him into my fics. I was careful not to be anti canyon or even izzy on main (BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT THE SAME THING). but after season 2, when dozens and dozens of canyonites came out to berate and harass David? nah. I stopped censoring myself. i still barely say fucking ANYTHING on main, but I don't ignore it anymore. the obituary wasn't even posted on my TL - it was in a reply!

but they still hate me, and do you know why? because after season 2 we weren't allowed to TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH WE LOVED THIS SHOW. because the canyon is such a loud fucking minority they made us feel bad! for loving the show! we all spent a year and a half collectively loving!!! so that's why I made my Hit Television Series Our Flag Means Death posts. I'm a believer in not qualifying your positivity - not, "i don't care what the haters say, I loved it!" just, "i loved it!" which is relevant because once again I was not even alluding to them!!! i was simply expressing joy and optimism about this amazing show.

so now here we are, close to a year of these fucking people dancing on the grave of this precious show, and I make one mean meme and I'm the bully. okay.

but i expect it from them. it's the folks who have been following me and my work for months and years that see one screenshot and say, oh, no. how terrible. what a bully. never mind two and a half years of positivity and seeing the measure of my character through my work, this is it.

and why?? to coddle THE CANYON??

and by the fucking way, if the original obituary was just cringe, if it just said "I'm sad, this isn't fun anymore, I'm out" then that would be fine! but it's NOT! what it actually says is, "David Jenkins et al are homophobic and those of you simpletons who like Ed and Stede are barely queer. the divide in this fandom that we did not cause, because we are the victims, have made things unsafe for us, a group based around liking a fictional character." BE SO FOR REAL!

so cool. i made one shitty meme and then instead of it being passed along in group chats and dms I was screenshotted, vilified, called names. one person said I was "punching down" because as we all know the canyon is an oppressed class. i was also kicked out of a canyon centric group chat for galaxycon Columbus (did NOT know it was when I joined, lol) which I expected. and the mods were genuinely very chill.... except when they tagged me by name and username on the announcement page 🥴 they did edit it, again they were chill, but if you are ostensibly ANTI BULLY AND ANTI DOXXING, perhaps fucking think about that! Jesus!

strictly by the numbers I am one of the biggest writers in this fandom. and I'm unapologetic about loving my work. if there's one thing miserable people hate, it's being popular and not humble enough about it, so I already had a target on my back. and for the ultimate crime of loving the hit television series our flag means death loudly and proudly i might actually have to leave ofmdtwt. I'm sick with it. fuck.

[sukunasun]

any drafts or thoughts u want an excuse to post ..?

spearheading the 'geto is good at games' campaign until he gets the recognition he deserves. losing one game of street fighter isn't fair evidence when he's literally an all-time taiko no tatsujin great at eighteen. just look at the marks and ridges on his worn-out game-branded drumsticks tucked under his bed, yes he has them for optimal performance. tossed next to the—just as worn—converse chucks. he always manages to score a 'perfect' in DDR, and owes it to the shoes. the staff knows he's here when they hear beethoven virus booming through the speakers, shoulder-length hair pushed back with a metal-wired headband while the group of local kids stand around the console with sparkling eyes, admiring the master himself.

but he doesn't brag. modest and so tight-lipped about it, face cringing the moment you ask about the shiny holographic trophy sitting in his dorm closet. he's busy with pulling your panties off under your skirt, pleated and pressed to perfection as he sinks his fingertips into soft flesh. ask him about anything else, anything but his starcraft II championship trophy.

all the things he could do when left alone with you on a hot summer's day like this but he pouts and sulks over a lost bet. exacerbated by the fact that his best friend won't shut up about it. brings it up every time they pass by the arcade or a mcdonalds. "remember that time you—" gojo doesn't even get to finish his sentence, laughing at the way geto's eye twitches involuntarily.

geto swears he's over it. forget that he still has that same urge to revisit old fighting games, his face scrunched up in concentration as the selection breezes past every character but ryu and his brawny muscles. he doesn't have a reason why, only that it's the one he remembers choosing that very day.

fuck it, he thinks. there are worse things, but the fact that gojo's got his hands on his own ps5 the moment it drops makes his blood boil. ready to snatch the console for himself when the man can barely steer or walk in a straight line. everyone assumes gojo satoru is great at everything, praises him for it, honoured one or whatever. pfft. geto knows effort is exactly what he lacks. "this is so hard!" gojo whines, already bored when he's yet to get past the tutorials of final fantasy vii. because he doesn't have the knack for it, this is where talent or bloodlines won't help, arcade games and their simple mechanics won't do now that he's left to traverse rpgs and action-adventures. it's why he gives the controller over to geto, leaving his hands free to clap and smack his broad back in excitement when he finishes the game in two days.

and he isn't always this competitive. geto likes when there isn't so much of a challenge too, when he can take his time decorating his island with the twins, their inputs are of utmost importance. loves that you sit in his lap as he patiently breezes through different maps in mario kart. feeling your kiss on his cheek as he crosses that checkered finish line in first place.

one kiss turns into two, then three and more. soon after he's found a new challenge in the form of making you come undone as many times as he can. pleasure dom is not a label he gives himself, it's one he has to earn. oh how you feed his ego, he feels so terrible. this isn't about winning, this was about loving you, making you feel good, but he's too selfish of a lover.

arch your back, strike a pose, preferably in a bayonetta costume. he takes his time, he relishes in the feel of leather, pulling the zipper down the middle with his teeth, and tries his best to resist ripping it apart. you've really outdone yourself, so thoughtful. he peels it off your body slowly, sensually. enough of a gentleman to appreciate the finer things, although not as much that he wouldn't pull out before he jerks himself off over your face. rectangular glasses that sit askew now painted with his seed.

loves making you shake and tremble, acting like he's unaware of how expertly his fingers play with you, his touch had been curious the first time, now he inches closer with familiarity, settling into a steady rubbing rhythm over your slickened cunt, teasing your clit each time he skims it before plunging his fingers inside. probing against a spot that has you leaking all over his sheets. it's not stars in your eyes but tears, hot and streaming down your face when he won't stop despite your garbled pleas. how you whine and dig your fingernails into his biceps, a little scared but so very excited, ecstatic even when he pulls out a bad dragon and you swear he's your soulmate.

[blu-ish]

IS THAT YOUR AMAZING DIGITAL CIRCUS SONA??? THATS SO CRINGE/j

LOOONG POST 💀 Lore below!!

Fen is based on one of my favorite childhood toys I got at a carnival, it was a fox plushy with a looooong tail for some reason lol. I would bring it to school with me for "story time" and wrap myself in its tail shjshsj.

Her tail is limp, so it just kinda drags behind her when she walks lmao. Uno is actually one of my irl hens, I wanted Fen to look like a farmer, (Since I live on a farm irl) so the idea of her carrying around a NPC Hen was born.

I wear glasses irl, I tend to misplace them when Im switching glasses to contacts some days, so my mom always jokes that I "lost my eyes". So when Fen "loses her eyes" SHE RLLY DOES...

Fens bag is like a mini pocket dimension, she keeps almost everything and anything in there. (like Mary Poppins lmao)

Fens zipper is on her stomach underneath her overalls, first thing she tried to do when she was inspecting her new body was to unzip it, she practically deflated hsjhsjs, (everyone helped her gather her stuffing lol) she's careful NOT to do that again.

Uno was a "joke" gift from Caine, who within noticing she looked like a farmer?? Gave her a chicken, and she kept it. She actually really likes the hen, so Caine named her FEN for Fox + Hen. (very creative I knoeeee) Uno is named Uno for obvious reasons, being the only chicken in the circus.

She cant open her mouth, all she has is a straw of wheat sticking out, its unremovable and moves when she speaks, she just got used to it after a while. The tag on her ear is just an empty price tag, why? Idk lol.

Shes basically chill with everyone tbh, Fen doesnt like to bother anyone so she sometimes hangs outside the tent. She was very distant when she first arrived, but warmed up to everyone eventually and is actually very sociable with the people shes comfortable with. (just like me lmaooo/oh wait she is me xd)

She loves arts and crafts, she has millions of sketch books/scrap books in her messy room. Which she claims is an "organized mess."

She has a mild purely platonic crush on Ragatha lmao. She admires her optimism and responsible nature, and her hugs are the BEST.

Jax makes her laugh and she enjoys his company, as long as he doesnt REALLY hurt anyone with his "humor", while she's watching anyways. Fen gets really worried about other peoples wellbeing and will go out of her way to help them feel better (whether caused by Jax or not lmao), she ends up just ignoring Jax afterwards for a few days, confusing him big time lmao.

Fen thinks Kinger is silly, and helps him build his pillow forts. She likes Gangle and loves to share her interests with them both, she could talk with them for hours.

She likes to hang out and chat with Zooble as well. Fen thinks their design is neat and will sit and draw next to them in comfortable silence.

As for Pomni, well... shes still trying to win her over. But she likes her outfit and will offer if Pomni wants to sit next to her and relax on her tail, they dont have to have a conversation if Pomni just wants to sit and think hsjshsj. Uno doesnt really like anyone but Ragatha tbh.

As for how Fen even got trapped in the digital circus, well... Im still not sure how the VR headsets work or how they are going to work within the digital circus universe or lore, who made them, why, ect.

Buuuut for the sake of it, lol. I'm not even joking when I say me and my fam just bought my brother a new VR headset a few weeks ago, and I put it on to "act like I was playing a game" to surprise him when he walked into his room. So...

Welcome to the Digital Circus Fen! :)

[myrmyrtheorca]

hi friends

This will look like I'm fishing for sympathy when really I just didn't want to look like I was jumping ship

Im sorry for the lack of activity but since some of you have seen me posting on the RP account I just wanted to clarify that I haven't ditched this one or KW or anything like that

I'm just not ok, things are not sparking joy anymore and I seem to be on a creative burnout of some sorts, right now I just don't see artistic value in what I do no matter how hard I try to convince myself it's just a passing thought. The optimism that has guided me so far, the whole "I will do this because I like it and I like it because I made it" attitude that drove me to write so many words and draw so many illustrations seems to have faded in thin air in a matter of days and I honestly feel really... dry

It's not like it was prompted by anything in particular. I don't want to stop the project, I'm not tired of KW or the fandom. I don't feel ignored. But right now what I see is bad. Plain bad. Without a purpose, just ramblings of someone who's not smart enough to write or draw anything of value. An amateur at everything I do, below average, who contributes nothing to the fandom or even their friend's lives, who's too slow to improve at anything. I feel like I SHOULD BE ignored.

And I know it's not true, I know there was a purpose that guided me this far. But I can't see it right now and it pains me. It makes me so utterly, abysmally sad to look at my characters, at my story and concepts and think "what's the point". I forced myself to put down ideas for both KW and the RP blog and you know what was the first thought that came out? "Cringy". Me, who's been an advocate of "I'm cringe but I'm free" for AGES and who'd never think the same of another creator find my OWN ideas CRINGY just because the author is ME.

I put love and effort into it for almost two years and now it's been a few days when it's just... there. A failure. Nothing worth looking at. Something I want to nurture but brings me immense sadness because it will never amount to anything. And I feel my characters hate me for this because they have done nothing wrong, if it makes any sense.

And it's not because I don't feel seen or liked by you all. The visibility I got is incredible. You're all great friends. You've helped me, I felt you all next to me. You've told me time and time again that you're there for me and that you're excited for my stuff to come out, that you think I can do this. I can't express how thankful I am for that, and at the same time I can't avoid feeling ashamed for trampling over everyone's support like this for no reason.

it's all my fault for being a grown ass adult and not knowing how to stop being a crybaby over something I don't even know where it came from, stop complaining, stop running up to people bothering them with my stupid thoughts, stop yearning, stop crying, stop asking for help and just DO WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO. I HAVE DONE THIS FOR MONTHS. I HAVE NO REASON TO FEEL LIKE THIS. THIS IS IRRATIONAL AND STUPID.

So this is me right now, and if I haven't answered your ask or seemed to ignore you, I'm sorry. I'm mourning the positive attitude that supported me. But stay assured I will fucking continue this project even if it kills me to do so.

[farewellsickle]

a guy will make a self insert specifically to make sure his favorite guy gets the love and care he needs . anyhow

this is Death Sickle, preferably known as Sickle! a ratman human who has been surviving in the Greater Canadian woods for... must have been over a decade by now. don't cringe too hard at his name, he was named by a literal eight year old. nonetheless.

by a stroke of luck and coincidence, he stumbles upon Robert the day after he escaped the Ivory household, and has been his caretaker since. he didnt always have a bandaged up hand; Robert bit him so hard he had to stitch himself up and apply bandages. hopefully this injury doesn't give him issues later...

post-Lucid21, Robert suffers from cognitive issues (memory loss, motor function, thought cloudiness, etc) as a result of losing his connection to the ratmen, and must rely on Sickle to help with communication, healing injuries, food and water. he's slowly gaining lucidity back, but the trauma of Lucid21 still affects him greatly - difficult sleep, fear of the dark and wide / open spaces.

he initially takes an existentialist / nihilist mindset - why bother do anything if there's no point - but quickly changes it when in the presence of another person who isn't a part of him. he isn't sure how to deal with his new life situation. went from fighting for his life just to die - to being waited on and cared for by a stranger. new philosophy: figure out what to do with his newly singular life.

Sickle as a person is very pessimistic and cynical, he can't see optimism or positives. additionally he tends to get frustrated very easily and lash out, but always feels extreme guilt afterwards, usually overcompensating to feel like things are "okay" again. he hasn't seen another conscious / lucid person in years, so mind him if he seems loud crass and overbearing. he can't lose the one friend he's allowed to have.

at first he is annoyed with having to care for Robert. having only ever known a master/pet dynamic, he thinks of Robert as a "pet" he must care for. but he ultimately values Robert's presence, however meager, more than he values his resources. he would put his life on the line to make sure someone knew he existed and died. theme: a loneliness is a fate greater than death.

attached below will just be more art of them :3 i also have a "whiteboard bible" where im writing down everything to do with them because. im obsessed. TW for self harm past the bible area (i allowed my beloved mutuals to draw freely in the same whiteboard)

thank u for reading about my goobers

Robert is NAWT a smoker so it takes him a few to get used to it. despite running low on cigarettes, Sickle insists on teaching him to smoke, if not for the associated "skills" (holding breath, igniting a lighter). Robert still prefers to drink.

i actually think Robert can hold his alcohol moderately well, he only got so drunk in canon because he was on an empty stomach

for a good few weeks, Sickle lacks the appropriate first aid materials to treat Robert's eye injury, having used the last of his bandages to patch up his hand. he uses scraps to place over Robert's eye. he has a small scrap bandage that he tears up for Robert's clean bandages.

after scavenging some clean and sterile medical supplies, Sickle changes Robert's bandages, ensures he finally has somewhat proper clean medical treatment and changes his bandages. "these are supposed to be changed out every day, or you risk infection." Robert's attention is drawn to Sickle's bandaged hand. he never saw them get changed even once.

[kaylinalexanderbooks]

OC confession

Thanks @illarian-rambling here, @mysticstarlightduck here,

Rules: post a scene where someone confesses something - anything!

Tagging @urnumber1star @theelfauthor @katwritesshit @sarahlizziewrites @writeintrees

+ ANYONE ELSE

TSP intro

TSP tag list (ask to be +/-): @thepeculiarbird @illarian-rambling @televisionjester @finchwrites

@nebula--nix @literarynecromancy @honeybewrites @the-golden-comet

Context: Ash and Lexi have been feuding a bit since Ash befriended a girl Lexi associates traumatic memories with. Here's Ash laying out all that's been bothering her recently. It's long, so under the cut.

From The Secret Portal Part One (Lexi POV)

Ash took a deep breath, slowly letting it out. “You were right.” “About?” “Shelby.” I froze—shocked for a second. I wanted to say something snotty, like oh, you just make friends with someone, and dump them whenever you get bored of them? But instead, I could only say, “What?” “Okay, what happened to you in first grade might’ve happened to me last Friday?” I blinked. “Huh?” “I was at Shelby’s, it was going great, but then it got weird.” “Weird how?” “Weird… I dunno, just weird, and I kinda got the creeps, and I bolted.” “Bolted?” “Yeah, I ran outta the house.” “That bad?” “Yeah, that’s why I’m guessing you repressed it.” I looked down at the floor, allowing my unbraided hair to fall over my face as I pondered. I didn’t remember first grade, and I barely remembered Shelby. Maybe that creepy thing did happen to me, and that’s why I hated Shelby. “In case you’re wondering, she’s uninvited.” “What?” I looked back up. “To my birthday party,” Ash confirmed. “But… you’re not.” “I’m not?” “You’ve been my friend forever. I want you there.” The corner of my mouth twitched. “Thanks.” “And, uh, there’s something else.” “Yeah?” “I need to get something off my chest.” She leaned against the wall. “What?” Ash sighed. “My mom and Frank had a falling out.” “They did?” I asked, having met her jerk stepdad before. “Yeah,” said Ash. “I dunno what happened, but it happened, and I was sent into a daze.” She swallowed. “They’re getting a divorce.” I didn’t respond. But she continued. “I’ve been living with Dad and Mary. And my mom. And Hannah and Mikey, too. Obviously. And Frank’s probably gonna get some custody of Mikey.” I’d been to her dad and stepmom’s house. It was relatively small, but it had three bedrooms. And now, six people were living there. Three adults, nonetheless. “I’m sorry to hear all of that,” I said softly. “But I think it will work out. Your mom and Mary get along. And Frank was rude, so maybe it’s good he’s out of at least most of your life.” “I guess so.” Ash closed her eyes, sighing. “Thanks. I missed your optimism.” I couldn’t help but smile softly. “I’ve been feeling… I dunno, weird lately. And I just needed to escape, I guess.” “That’s why you went to Shelby?” “I dunno what was happening with Shelby,” said Ash. “Maybe all the stuff happening made me listen to her more. But… she felt genuine. Like she actually cared about me and what I wanted.” “What about me?” I asked, more harshly than I intended. Ash flinched, I cringed. “I’m sorry, go on.” “She reached out to me,” Ash continued. “I dunno how she figured out something was going on at home, but she did. And… because she kept talking to me and made me forget about all the drama at home…” she shrugged. “You didn’t know what was going on, and I didn’t feel like talking about it then. Shelby just… coaxed it outta me somehow. And then you got mad, and because I’d become so open with Shelby, she made me madder at you—” “About that,” I said, “I was a jerk. Even if that creepy thing did happen to me, I don’t remember it. I shouldn’t’ve been so against it.” “But you were right.” “The problem is that I was right! I acted like a selfish jerk… and I was right. I should feel better, right? I won, but it doesn’t feel like a win.” I sighed roughly. “Maybe we were both wrong.” “So,” said Ash after an awkward moment of silence, “we’re friends again.” I looked her in her eyes. I smirked a bit. “Friends. Not again. Always.” Ash scoffed, rolling those bright green eyes. “Don’t be such a sap, Lex.” I laughed as we walked back into the locker room.

[dontbotherwiththepronunciation]

Hey, I want to make a poll because the actual Theon fandom is interesting and I've been observing the way different people prefer interacting with the character in significantly different ways, so,

What kind of Theon fan are you?

The Kyra

Very into his more slutty, party-boy, hedonistic facet and the person he was prior to ACOK

Likes smut fics & AUs (modern or canon-setting) where Ramsay didn't happen or was much less impactful

Mostly interested in exploring (relation)ships to Starks and co. (Tully, Snow, Mallister, etc.)

The Jeyne Poole

Extremely apologetic. He has never done anything wrong in his life ever and the more you think about fandom's treatment of his "viler" acts, the more upset you get

You relate sad girl music (Mitski, Aurora, Lana del Rey, etc.) to him

Tooth-rotting post-ramsay (reunion) fluff is your go-to genre when searching for Theon-fanfic. Optimism might turn into delusion

The Asha Greyjoy

Enjoys canon-divergent AUs that get to explore the Greyjoy family dynamics and Ironborn heritage

Actually cares about political/magical/religious plot instead of just feelings, psychology and relationships

Not extremely into shipping, but probably a rarepair enjoyer who tries every dish on the table

The Barbrey Dustin

Your cringe at him started as contempt but then you realized it was actually projection

Mostly interested in the person he is during ADWD and the person he could possibly become during TWOW & ADOS

Likes gap-fillers, gen-fics or horror more than ships or AUs. Believes in some sort of thramsay

If you want to give me any more info (show vs. book-watcher, OTPS, NOTPS, opinions on implied rape/castration, whatever personal stuff you feel comfortable revealing) I'd love to read it on comments or tags or dms.

[deceptive-daydreams]

California Dreamin’

Chapter Two - Milkshakes & Sunburns (18+ ONLY)

Ch. 1 | Ch. 3 | Ch. 4

Modern!Eddie AU - In which Eddie travels to California searching for something more out of life. And then he meets you.

Warnings: mentions of drug use and alcohol, reader being insecure, mentions of a deceased parent, eventual smut in future chapters, let me know if I missed any :)

8.8K words

Eddie x Reader, Friends to lovers, Slow burn

<;- Prev | Next ->

Note: So I got carried away and just kept writing. Also got a bit discouraged but that’s ok cause I kept writing anyway 😅 I’d love to know what you guys think about it. I’m trying to better myself as a writer and I figure the only way to do it is to write what I want and post it even if I’m scared. Also it’s like a fanfic so who tf cares it’s just fun.

Masterlist

The mornings in summer were cool and a blessing before the hot California sun seized the rest of the day.  Birds chattered in the distance and lawn mowers hummed, giving off the scent of fresh cut grass.  The smell of bacon and the clatter of pots and pans snaps Eddie out of his slumber.  

Wiping drool from his mouth, he sits up throwing the sheets off of himself, his unruly curls sticking up in every direction, bangs smashed to each side of his temples.  

Stretching with a deep groan, he swipes up his shirt off the floor and tosses it on.  In the last few days he fell into routine with the household.  Breakfasts at the table rather than in a rush on his way out the door,  assigned chores, and of course a phone call to Wayne every other day, providing him updates on how he’s been doing so far.  

—

Wayne had been worried about Eddie prior to him leaving Hawkins.  His nephew wasn’t doing so well or at least that’s what it looked like in between all the drinking, smoking, and restless nights, hearing Eddie in his room every evening, doing anything but sleeping only for him to emerge in the morning with purple eye bags and bloodshot eyes.

It got to a point that Wayne didn’t know what to do anymore and god forbid, he wasn’t going to let his nephew, practically his son, drink himself to death.  Smoke himself out of reality.  Disappear right before him.  

Wayne was never one to bring up emotions or ask for help but he sure as hell wasn’t going let this continue.  Cringing at the thought of asking for any type of help or advice, he forced himself to call up the one person who might understand and be able to offer a smidge of hope to him.  Maybe tell him that his nephew isn’t too far gone and that he can get out of this rut.    Anything.

That’s when he called up Marlene, one of his oldest friends.  “Mar, I just don’t know what I’m sposed’ to do.  He’s walkin’ around damn near lookin’ like a corpse.”  He explains through his flip phone.  She suggests getting him professional help, therapy, something.  Wayne sighs, shaking his head.  “Y’know we don’t got the money for that.”  She then offers something that Wayne sees a glimmer of optimism in.  

She brings up an idea to have Eddie come stay with her, as long as he needs.  “He should get out of there, it won’t help if he has to be faced with harassment every day.  I think all the drinking and drugs provide him an escape.  If we get him out of there it could help.  He could find something out here, figure himself out.” She says.  Wayne is hesitant not because he doesn’t trust Marlene but he doesn’t trust people.

People have always made Eddie feel like the freak, the outcast, the murderer’s son.  Everywhere he went he was met with unforgiving stares, individuals whispering about him as he walked by, men of the town would even start fights with him.  Just to assert their dominance over him as if to say “know your place”.  Although they wouldn’t always win, Eddie was lean but he was strong.  Growing up in the trailer park had its perks and being able to pummel someone to the ground when he needed to was one of them.  

Wayne knew Eddie could hold his own physically but mentally he knew it destroyed him.  Being held to a standard that his father set when he was only seven stuck with him, Wayne knew even if Eddie never talked about it.  Refused to talk about it.  

So when Marlene awaits an answer on the other end of the phone, all Wayne can think about is how wrong it could go should someone out in California figure out Eddie’s past and treat him how he’s always been treated.  But then he envisions how right it could go too.  Eddie could start fresh, he’d have Marlene and Jocelyn and wouldn’t be completely alone, experiencing something other than Hawkins all by himself.  All he knew his whole life was Hawkins AKA Bigot Central.

He agrees and from there, he has to prepare to bring up the concept to Eddie.  It would only work if he was on board.  The idea of conveying his worry to Eddie in words was terrifying.  Munson men didn’t talk about feelings.

That evening when Eddie stepped into the trailer after work, kicking his heavy oil covered boots off, Wayne sat up from the couch.  “Ed, I need to talk to you.” He demands, gesturing to the spot next to him.  Eddie gives him a suspicious stare, pulling his hair out of the low bun he sported.  He slowly makes his way next to Wayne, plopping on the couch, the springs squeaking in protest.  

“Now, m’ not gonna get mushy with you but here’s what I will say.” Wayne starts.  “What you been doin’ lately ain’t good for you.  Drugs, drinkin’, work, repeat.  Comin’ home all banged up and bleedin’.” He explains, blue eyes staring straight into Eddie’s.  “Wayne we don’t need t—“ “I’m talkin’, son.  And you’re gonna sure as shit listen cause it’s what’s good for you.” Wayne is firm with his words.  Eddie’s lips press into a tight line as he waits for Wayne to continue.

“I get it, this town hasn’t been good to ya.  But that don’t mean you get to act like a goddamn college kid every night.  I figure there ain’t really any way to stop you but I talked to Marlene—“ “You called Marlene!  Why the fuck—“ Eddie is cut off again.  “She thinks it’d be good for you to stay with her for some time, however long you want.  Get away from these people, figure yourself out without havin’ to confront a mob everywhere ya go.”

“Wayne I can’t even afford to live in this shit hole of a town, how am I gonna pay rent out on the west coast!  Are you trying to set me up for failure!?” Eddie seethes, hands grabbing at his curls in distress.  Wayne feels hurt by his insinuation at first but comes to the conclusion that Eddie is scared, having known nothing but this small town his entire life.

Wayne closes his eyes and exhales.  “Ed, we’re tryin’ to help.  Marlene isn’t chargin’ rent, you just gotta help out.  Y’know chores.  Earn your keep.  She wants to help.  She knows how these people can be, she experienced it firsthand too.”  He says.  “I’m not charity—I-I’m not—“ Eddie struggles to find words.  “You’re family to her, Ed!  Remember!  Her and your mom, they were there for each other and that also means she’s there for you too.” Wayne voices, attempting to keep the emotion to a minimum.  Eddie’s big brown eyes soften and he slumps back against the couch.

He has no words and he refuses to go into this territory.  He can’t.  Without another sound, he stands up and heads to the bathroom, slamming the door to signify that this conversation is over.  

Wayne feels defeated and hopeless.  The rest of the night carries on, he eats one of his TV dinners on the couch watching Jeopardy like every other night.  Eddie is still in the bathroom, the sound of the shower is heard from where Wayne sits, the pipes singing through the walls.  Eventually the water turns off and minutes go by.  Eddie emerges from the bathroom, curls dripping and a towel around his waist.  He focuses on Wayne with intensity before softening his features ever so slightly.  “I’ll go.” He states before padding off to his room.  

He’ll never admit it but the smallest smile graces Wayne’s face.  

—

 Downtown is much busier than back home.  Cars are constantly speeding past, traffic builds up at the lights, and there’s a man selling fruit on the corner.  Eddie has witnessed so much in so little time as he walks along the damaged sidewalk.  So far he’s handed his resume to four auto shops.  Jocelyn assisted him in creating one that would stand out and highlight his skills.  

He finishes handing in the last copy to one more shop before they hire him on the spot, letting him know he starts on Monday.  Things are okay, things are going to be okay, he reminds himself through his doubt. 

On his way out he bumps into something, another body, shorter than him.  You let out a small chirp as you attempt to enter the shop but instead collide with something firm. 

“Sorry-“ you both say simultaneously.  You look up to find none other than Eddie Munson, now grinning down at you.  He smells like tobacco and something wood-like you can’t quite put your finger on.  It’s nice.  His curls are as wild as when you met him a few days ago.  “Hey.” He greets you, his eyes have a twinkle in them and you’re in a trance.  “I was just—“ you begin to stumble over your words.  “Something wrong with your car?” He asks.  “Y-yeah it’s making all this noise and I put off taking it in so… that’s what I’m doing…now.” You awkwardly answer.  

He leans in toward you before quietly saying “I could take a look at it.  If you want.  I won’t overcharge you unlike some—you know maybe we should talk outside.  I don’t wanna get fired when I haven’t even worked a shift yet.” He ushers you back out the front door of the shop, the air conditioning vanishing as the heat takes back over.  “You sure?  You don’t have to.”  You fiddle with the car keys in your hand.  

“Yeah it’s no problem.  You can drop it off at Mar’s and I’ll take a look at it when I get back.” He assures you.  “Wait, did you say you work here?” You backtrack.  He’s squinting at the sunlight as he answers.  “Yeah, just got hired actually.  Just don’t tell em’ I stole one of their customers.” He raises his brows and gives you a stern look although you can tell he’s playing around.  “Noted.” You agree, your face feeling hot and it’s not just from the sun.

There’s a silence among the two of you, you awkwardly shuffling your feet on the concrete.  “Not gonna lie, I don’t have shit left to do til’ Monday.” Eddie breaks the silence.  “So I could just take a look at your car now.” He admits.  With that, he follows you in his van back to Jocelyn’s house.  Meanwhile, you’re giving yourself a mental pep talk the whole way back, simultaneously scolding yourself for being so uncool.

—

Condensation drips down the tall glasses of lemonade as you carry them out from the house to the front yard where Eddie’s head is tucked beneath the hood of your car, the mid-afternoon sun blazing.  

Except when you left a few minutes ago to get him and yourself something to drink he was wearing a shirt.  Now he’s all sweaty, tattoos littered along his torso and chest, his hair in a low bun with some strands escaping to frame his angelic face, and his happy trail on display.  His rings are discarded on a small workbench he found next to the house that he had dragged over.

He’s gorgeous, lean but not pumped with muscle.  His arms aren’t bulging but the flex in his bicep when he moves his arm a certain way does things to you.  He has a rag hanging out of his back pocket, covered in grease.  The image before you is nothing like you’d ever seen before.

You try and shake the thoughts forming about him in your head, setting the glasses down on the workbench.  “Mar made some fresh lemonade with the lemons out back, so I brought you some.  Hope that’s okay.  Or I could get you water instead.” You watch as he tinkers with something in the engine, his tongue poking out the side of his mouth in concentration.  

“No, no, that’s perfect.  Thanks—fuck.” He grunts out of frustration.  “I’m gonna need to get a new part for your car.  Sorry about that, Peach.”  Peach?  “Probably not gonna be able to use it for a couple days til’ I find what I need.” He finishes.  You nod in understanding.  “Why—why Peach?” You ask timidly.  He shrugs.  “Just seem sweet is all.” He smiles and glances at you for a brief moment as he messes with something else in the engine.  “Like a peach.”

“Jocelyn’s got a nickname too.” He continues, voice somewhat muffled since he’s hovering over the engine again.  “Oh?” You urge him to complete his thought.  “Yeah, fuckin’ grumpy ass.” He turns to you, a playful smile tugging at his lips.  At this you laugh.  “Do you know the shit she’s given me in the short time I’ve been here?  Almost beat me to a pulp for taking too long in the bathroom. I mean Jesus Christ.”  Eddie’s rolling his eyes dramatically.  “She has a way with words.” You state, watching as he finishes up and closes the hood.  

His hands are covered in black streaks, some sneaking their way up his forearms as well.  “Well, so do I.” He says, taking the rag out of his back pocket and wiping his hands off.  As he turns his face to the side you can’t help but notice a little silver hoop earring dangling from his ear.  

There it is again, that hot and heavy feeling.  You feel your cheeks starting to tint pink and you can only hope that he doesn’t notice.  “But I’ll—uh let you know when she’s done.” He taps the hood of your car twice with his hand.  “If you’re okay to leave it here.  Really wouldn’t recommend driving it home at this point.  Could’ve fallen apart on you at any moment, Peach.” He enunciates the nickname with a grin.  This is so embarrassing, you can’t stop the color from taking over your cheeks, can’t even look him in the eye with how charming he is.  

“Yeah, no for sure.  It’s not like I drive to work anyway.” You say crossing your arms nervously.  He grabs his shirt from the workbench, draping it over his shoulder before grabbing the glass of lemonade, taking a long gulp.  And god, how could he look so good doing the most mundane things?

“Well I’m gonna go get cleaned up.  You need me to drive you home or are you gonna hang here?” He asks.  “I uh, think I’ll just hang out til Jos gets home.  She should be here soon.”  You take a sip from your glass.  Eddie gulps down the rest of his lemonade, some of it escaping the glass and trickling down his chin and to his chest.  Why was everything he did so erotic to you?  

“Thanks for the lemonade.” He says, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, a small smile appearing.  His face is flushed from the heat, lips a pretty shade of pink.  You can’t seem to respond before he’s sauntering back into the house, leaving you a flustered mess in the yard.

—

You’d been waiting around for Jocelyn in the garage for around an hour before texting her, asking her where she was.  Her college classes should have ended already.  She responds letting you know that she was at the library with a study group, not sure how long she’d be.  

Sighing, you kick your feet up on the coffee table.  Guess you were going to have to find something to do with your evening which wasn’t uncommon.  You always hung out at Jocelyn’s even if she wasn’t there, busying yourself with playing with the dogs or helping out Marlene, even working from your laptop.  

Jonathan would probably also be at the study group which meant Argyle would follow him and Will and El wouldn’t be coming around tonight since he was their ride.  In a way, you felt like everyone had a pairing or a group.  Jonathan, Argyle, and Jocelyn were always on campus together, always exchanging inside jokes from classes or something that happened that day.  Will and El, while they were a little bit younger, both being 19, they were also taking courses at another campus a few cities over.  And then you just had work.

Sometimes you couldn’t help but feel that your decision not to go to college hindered your social life but it wasn’t even that.  Everyone was around all the time regardless of their class schedules.  If they weren’t at their classes they were almost always in the garage.  It had to be the dynamic set out from the very beginning.  

You were the quieter one, the more soft spoken one, the tie breaker if Jonathan, Argyle, and Jos got in an argument over something and couldn’t make a decision or if Will and El were bickering about where to eat.  Your role was essential when Jonathan and Will got into disagreements however those never seem to end seeing as they’re brothers.  Something in you just felt that while Jos was considered your best friend, you just weren’t bonded to everyone in the way that they were bonded to each other.  Will and El were inseparable but it didn’t feel that way with yourself or anyone in the group. 

It wasn’t to say you didn’t feel loved by your friends because you did.  There was just something missing, a void that wasn’t being filled no matter how hard you tried.  No one would ever notice but you were drowning in self doubt and lacked the confidence to swim back to the surface and ask for help.

In the distance, the sky is fading into hues of purples and pinks, a cotton candy mess of clouds consuming the skyline.  The day is coming to a finish as the city just beyond the view of the reservoir glimmers like a jewelry box.  You can just barely see it from where you’re sitting but it's still hypnotizing.  Life still continues even into the dark of the night, the hustle of people working their night shifts prominent among the millions of lights in the distance. 

“Hey, where is everyone?” Eddie strolls into the room, breaking you from your provoking thoughts.  His hair is damp and he’s wearing a black muscle tee and some black basketball shorts.  Some small tattoos are scattered throughout his legs.  His curls look fresh and not as frizzy as before and he smells faintly of aftershave.  Not the gross kind that’s too strong but just a subtle scent.  

“Class, I guess.” you mutter, taking your legs off the coffee table and sitting up straighter.  “I was just gonna get going.”  Before you can stand up Eddie is slumping onto the couch next to you, a beer in his hand that he had just grabbed from the fridge in the kitchen.  “I don’t bite y’know, Peach.” he pops the cap to the beer off and tosses it onto the coffee table as he takes a sip.  You shift uncomfortably, unsure of how to answer.  “You’re just gonna leave the second I sit down?” he continues, brow raised, offense in his voice.  “Well I uh–no–”  his eyes narrow and then travel across your face as you stutter before he displays a huge grin.  “I’m just fucking around, don’t let me tell you what to do.  I was just gonna chill out here for a little bit.  If that’s cool with you.” he settles back into the couch, resting his head against the back of it.  

“Yeah, it’s basically your house isn’t it?  At least while you’re here, like you live here.”  you manage to say.  “I mean, it seems like you basically live here too and you’ve been here longer so you have the authority to kick me out if anything.” he mentions.  You just nod in response, focusing your sight on a rip in your denim shorts rather than his face.  

You don’t know where it comes from but before you can even think your mouth is already running.  “Have they shown you around yet?  We could like–take a walk and I could show you around the area…I don’t know.”  you offer.  Mentally, you’re now kicking yourself because why would he be interested in hanging out with you for the night?  Why would he entertain the idea when he was probably waiting for everyone else?  

“Let’s go.” he smiles, finishing off his beer and throwing his shoes on.  You’re surprised by his answer, not because you think he would just simply tell you no but because you’re you and he seems enthusiastic if anything.  But you’re boring and that enthusiasm won’t last long, you know it.  That’s how it usually goes, right?

Eventually the gravel is crunching below your heels as you walk alongside Eddie down the driveway.  The air is dry and it's still warm despite the sun no longer hanging in the sky.  Eddie’s hands are shoved in his pockets and as you sneak a quick glance at him from the corner of your eye, you notice a chain with a guitar pick dangling from his neck, the jewelry reflecting off one of the street lights as you approach the road.  

“Do you mind if I smoke?” he asks, pulling out a carton of cigarettes from his pocket.  You shake your head in response as you decide to veer off to the right, the street crumbly from not being maintained for a while.  Eddie follows your lead.  “Been trying to quit so I only let myself have one a day.  You smoke?” he questions, you hear the lighter flickering before he inhales as you keep your gaze on the broken asphalt beneath you.  The scent of tobacco soon fills your nose.  You take slow steps in rhythm with him, lazily shifting from one foot to the other.  “No, I don’t.  Never tried before.  Cigarettes, at least.” you say.  

He just nods in understanding.  “I used to smoke so much, we’re talkin’ like chain smoker.  Shit was nasty.  But I’ve been trying to cut back and quit.  Mostly been smokin’ weed.”  he explains.  “Well you’re gonna love what Jonathan and Argyle smoke.  The stuff you find out here is unreal.” you tell him.  You almost frown at the thought.  It seems like so far you have had the opportunity to hang out with Eddie one on one more than anyone else but you’re certain that will change and once again you will be on the backburner.

“Good cause I’m gonna need it.” he laughs.  You haven’t gotten very far, the house still a couple yards away behind you as you both had been leisurely making your way along the street.  He clears his throat, cigarette hanging in between his fingers, there’s a look in his eye.  You can’t quite pinpoint what it is, maybe a bit mischievous?  “I don’t mean to hijack your tour or anything but let's go over there.” he chimes in, pointing to the reservoir, the concrete part at the opposite end of the field.  There is a ‘no trespassing’ sign displayed a few feet away and a sparkle in his eyes as he looks from you to the sign and back.  

You’d crossed the field a few times in the past to sit on the part that appears to be like a dam with no water to block.  No one’s ever said anything but you feed into Eddie’s antics.  “If we get caught–”  “I’ll go down for the crime, don’t you worry.”  he smirks, throwing the cigarette butt on the ground before stomping it out and then picking it back up, putting it back in his pocket.  You give him a questionable look before he elaborates.  “Bad for the environment…”  You can only laugh in response.

—

The city stares back at the two of you, lights sparkling as a treasure chest filled with gold and jewels would.  You stand on the concrete dam overlooking the sight before you.  Eddie’s eyes are filled with wonder, huge pools of honey taking it all in.  “Can I be honest?” he says next to you.  “Sure.” you respond.  “I’ve never seen something like this before.  I mean I’ve seen a city before but it didn’t look anything like this.”  he says, his stare remaining in front of him.

“That’s fair, Indiana’s a lot different than here.” you say.  “A lot different.” he emphasizes.  He sits himself down on the ground, bringing his knees to his chest.  You join him, sitting criss-crossed.  Eddie finally tears his gaze from the city, shifting it to you.  “So tell me about everyone.” he says.  “What do you mean?  You’ve met them.” you respond.  “Yeah but what’s everyone like?  I’ve only known them for like less than a week.”  he elaborates.  “Well, you know Jos.  She’s my closest friend.  And then Will and El are like the twins around here.  They’re always together.  El acts like Jos’s little sister and she’s a party animal once you get her started.  Will’s shy around new people but he’s super funny.” you explain with a small smile.  Eddie’s full attention is on you, listening intently.  “And then there’s Jonathan and Argyle, they’re complete stoners.  Will is Jonathan’s brother if they didn’t tell you yet.  Sometimes they don’t tell new people they’re brothers and wait to see how long they can go without telling them, it’s super weird.  Argyle is super chill, he’s usually up for anything.”  you finish.  

Eddie tilts his head to the side.  “What about you?” he asks.  His voice is quiet, almost as if he could disrupt the calm atmosphere you two created.  You stare down at the ground, fidgeting with a pebble.  What about you?  What was there to tell about you?  Not much, you decide.  But he wasn’t going to make this easy and you knew that.  

“I’m just me.” you sigh, giving him a sad smile.  His face falters at this.  “Yeah, you’re you.” he says intrigued.  “Tell me about you.” he pushes.  What were you supposed to tell him?  I have deeply rooted emotional trauma which makes it hard for me to get close with others?  No, he would run for the hills.  “I’m–” you try again, unable to find the words.  “I have to get home.” you could punch yourself for the words that involuntarily left your lips.  You panicked and now you’re going to regret ending the night early.  

“Do you really?” Eddie challenges you, almost as if he can read you like a book.  His eyes are burning a hole in you.  It’s hard to look at him because you know you’re lying and he knows it too.  “Yes.” you lie again.  He looks at you in speculation and sighs, giving in as he stands up.  You follow, dusting your legs off.  “I can drive you then.” is all he says.

Now you worry that you’ve angered him, that you pissed him off and now he’s never gonna interact with you again other than when he’s forced to when everyone else is around.  The fear that you’ve ruined another good thing because you couldn’t get over yourself bubbles within you.

Eddie walks in front of you, making his way down from the dam along the slope of concrete and onto the field, you’re not far behind.  He’s giving you the silent treatment, you think to yourself.  You barely even know him and he’s already done with you.  That is until you hear his voice speak up as he glances behind at you, a smile on his face.  “Thanks for trespassing with me.”  He’s not mad?  “No problem.” You respond confused.

The two of you make your way back to Jocelyn’s in a quiet but comfortable silence, now that you know he’s not mad, or at least not showing it.  Approaching the open garage, you hear voices laughing and bantering.  Everyone must be home.  Sure enough, you and Eddie walk into a room full of your friends.  “Heyyyy!” Jonathan greets from the couch he’s melted into.  His eyes are bloodshot and a grin seems permanently etched into his face.  Looking at Jocelyn and Argyle also attached to the couch, Jocelyn cuddling a pillow to her chest, you realize you just missed their post class smoke sesh.  You’d usually be a participant had you been around but you don’t mind.

Will and El are seated on the cushioned bench on the other side of the garage doing homework.  Will seems reluctant to participate but does so anyway as he shuffles through the flashcards he’s holding.  Highlighters are scattered among the binders littered on the floor next to them.  Will offers a “hey” while El greets you with a “hi” and a wave.

“What’s up?” Eddie asks as he plops himself next to Jonathan.  “Where have you brochachos been?” Argyle questions looking between you and Eddie.  Jos gives you a quick look as if something’s up but you return a stern one back to her so she drops it.

“I was showing him around and he wanted to see the reservoir.” You explain.  “Why the hell did you wanna see that out of all things?” Jos just about yells at Eddie with a puzzled look.  “It said no trespassing so you know I had to.” He smirks.  “Fight the man, dude.” Jonathan fist bumps Eddie.  “Thanks?” he responds.  

“So, Eddie The Wise…” Argyle begins before Will chimes in.  “Hey!  It’s Will The Wise!”  Argyle chuckles mischievously.  “I love riling that little dude up.  His eyes get all big and he starts freakin’ out, it’s classic man.” He laughs a little harder than necessary.  “Whew!” He wipes the tears of laughter from the corners of his eyes while Jos and Jonathan laugh along with him.  “Anyway, how are you liking Californ-i-ay?” he asks.  

“Can’t complain so far.” Eddie replies, and you swear he shoots a glance at you for a brief second.  “Peach has been showin’ me the ropes.” he jokes.  So he definitely glanced at you.  “Who’s Peach?” Jonathan questions, confusion evident in his features.  Eddie gestures to you with a tip of his chin, his lashes are casting shadows over his rosy cheeks, no doubt sunburned from being outside more than he’s used to this past week.  “She’s too nice to everyone!”  Eddie explains.  Jos, Argyle, and Jonathan all share a look, Jonathan wiggling his eyebrows before shrugging it off.  You shoot each of them a glare as you speak up.  “I’m gonna head home now, it’s starting to get late and we have a long day tomorrow.” you remind them of the trip to the beach that was planned.

Eddie drove you home that night just like he did the first time just days ago.  And hopefully there would be many more, you think to yourself.  If you were lucky enough, if you were strong enough to let him in.  If that was even his intention.

–

“Sunscreen, towels, sandwiches, drinks, and where is my…” El lists off the necessities until she’s looking around puzzled, lips in a pout and eyebrows scrunched.  “My book!” she yells as Argyle mindlessly flips through the pages while he leans against Eddie’s van, back doors wide open as Jonathan is tossing in an umbrella.  El snatches the book from Argyle’s grasp, tucking it into her canvas tote bag hanging off of her shoulder.  “I wasn’t gonna hurt it!” Argyle defends, shoving his hands into the pockets of his bright teal swim trunks.  Scoffing and rolling her eyes, El makes her way back to the house to gather anything else they may have forgotten.  

Eddie passes her through the doorway carrying two beach chairs.  “Good morning, Sunshine!” he just about shouts in her ear.  She flinches, her bangs momentarily falling into her eyes.  “Good morning?” she responds as he continues walking.  “If I have to be up early and ‘get glad’ as Mar says, then so do you!” he sing songs from down the driveway.  She waves him off before making her way into the kitchen where you and Will had been making the rest of the sandwiches for the day.

“You won’t catch me making a bologna sandwich, I’m not doing it.”  Will cringes as you’re handing him the container of meat, all processed and packaged in perfect circles.  “Well I’m working on the turkey ones.” you whine, dropping the container in front of him, returning to your task of smothering mayo along the white sandwich bread.  “And I’m working on the peanut butter and jelly ones.” he puts on an exaggerated frown.  “Will, you’re literally on your last one.” you argue.  Will starts to mimic you in a high pitched voice.  “Oh my god, I’ll do it!” El chimes in with annoyance, dropping her tote bag on one of the chairs near the table, making her way next to you at the kitchen island.

“Who even requested bologna anyway?” El questions as she steals the butter knife from you to slather some mayo on the bread.  You give her a glare but she pays no mind so you drop it, grabbing another knife from the drawer.  “Who do you think?” Will finishes off his last PB&J, pushing the pieces of bread together and packaging it in a sandwich bag and then into the small red cooler on the counter.  “Argyle.” El seethes as she pulls a piece of the over processed meat out of the container, a disgusted look on her face.  They didn’t hate each other by any means but he knew how to push El’s buttons and she did nothing to hide it.

You finish off the sandwiches just as Jocelyn stampedes down the stairs wearing her black denim shorts which used to be jeans but she cut them at the knee and a cropped white band shirt, showing off a hint of her torso.  “Let’s go, losers!” She grabs her sunglasses from the counter and heads toward the door.  “Be safe!” you hear Marlene yell from the top of the stairs.

Everyone meets up at the end of the driveway, piling into the van with the beach essentials.  There are no seats in the back so you just grab a spot where space is available.  Eddie drives and Jonathan calls shotgun.  The engine is rumbling to life and before you know it you're on the road, only a 30 minute drive around the mountain and through the coastal cities.

–

The air is more crisp than inland and it's still overcast since it was still early.  Families walk along the sidewalks, dads carrying foldable lawn chairs and pool toys, moms herding the kids while carrying diaper bags and other miscellaneous items.  The chatter in the car was continuous throughout the whole drive, the seven of you leaving no room for silence.  Except for of course when you all stopped for a mandatory gas station run, leaving everyone with their selected snack and drink before heading down to the beach.  It was a ritual you all had.

The parking lot comes into view and so does the open ocean along with the sand you couldn’t wait to dig your toes into.  The water is a deep blue compared to the lighter blue of the sky.  You spot the pier and the little diner at the end, hoping you’d get to treat yourself to a milkshake later on.  Eddie had to circle the parking lot a few times before actually finding a spot.  “It’s baby’s first beach trip!” Jos yells as she crawls toward the front of the van, slapping her hand on Eddie’s shoulder.  He rubs his shoulder, putting the van in park and not even a second later everyone is rushing out of the van.  

You can hear the waves smacking the shore, smell the salt in the air, you can almost feel the cool water against you as you play in the waves and even taste the saltwater when you get hit in the face by one that was bigger than you estimated.  But first you have to help with carrying everything from the van down to the sand which is the worst part.  But not as bad as having to lug it all back at the end of the day.  You opt to carry one of the smaller coolers and some towels, everyone else finding something to carry.  It was nice having so many people though, you didn’t have to make multiple trips.  Unlike the time you, Jocelyn, Jonathan, and Argyle went to the beach and overpacked, the four of you had to make two trips out of it between the beach toys, a tent Argyle insisted on bringing, chairs and food, among other things you can’t even remember.  

The shore was populated with families and groups of people seeing as it was a Saturday in the beginning of Summer.  The sand was warm, almost hot on your feet.  Jonathan managed to point out a spot that would fit your group perfectly among the crowds.  It was a little ways down from the pier but not too far, complaints were still heard from Jos and Argyle though, they just wanted to drop everything and run into the water.  Towels were laid out, the coolers were set in the sand near the foldable chairs, and a colorful umbrella was propped up.  Everyone claimed their respective spots to lay out for the day in between swimming and playing in the sand.

El situated herself on her towel underneath the umbrella, pulling out her book as she laid back.  You decided on a faded Star Wars towel, setting your bag on the corner and pulling out some sunscreen to apply to your face and body.  Will held his hand out for some as he claimed the towel right in between you and El.  You obliged, squeezing the bottle of lotion onto his palm as you spread it along your cheeks and nose.  Jonathan and Argyle were already throwing a frisbee back and forth, not even shedding their shirts yet.  Jos sat in one of the beach chairs with her shirt discarded in her back pocket, now sporting a neon orange bikini top with her sunglasses sitting comfortably on her face while she basked in the sun.

With another glance around at your friends, you can’t help but notice one is missing.  That is until you shift your gaze toward the water where Eddie is already standing just before the very shallow part where the tide rises up and down.  The sun is starting to overtake the overcast morning, bringing with it a bright Summer day.  There’s a slight breeze and with it, the occasional mist of sea water.  His curls are dancing with the wind as he overlooks the water.  He hasn’t even taken his black converse off yet, wearing a ripped up black muscle shirt with ‘Metallica' across the chest and black swim trunks.  

You avert your gaze as he begins to turn back around toward the beach towels.  You remember what Jos said in the car and gather that he’s probably never seen an ocean before.  He kicks his shoes off and lifts his shirt over his head, tossing it at Jocelyn’s face and yelling “come on!” before running back down to the water, this time stopping until it's at his waist.  Jos throws the shirt down on the chair next to her, tugging her shorts off and then running to the water as well.  She reaches Eddie and without hesitation, pushes him forward, sending him face first into one of the waves.  You laugh to yourself at the sight but when you don’t see Eddie resurface for a few seconds your heart drops.

Suddenly he pops up from beneath the water, shoving Jos into another oncoming wave which causes her to lose her balance and land ass first as the water rushes over her.  Their shouts and giggles are muffled by the sound of the crashing waves as well as Will chattering next to you about some new movie he wants to see.

With courage, you decide to join them inviting Will and El as you stand up and discard your shirt and shorts.  El declines, too engaged with her book but Will agrees and follows.  The water is ice cold and shocks your body as you take your first steps along the wet sand into the water.  But in contrast to the hot sun blazing from above, it also feels refreshing.  As you approach Jos, a splash of water meets your face causing you to gasp.  “Shit, sorry!” Eddie apologizes.  “Yeah sorry, Peach!” Jos emphasizes the nickname, this brings a blush to Eddie’s face but he’s hoping the sun has already burned him enough to cover it.

Scooping up some water with your cupped hands, you toss it at Jos but it does little damage since she’s already been engulfed in the waves and you’re still halfway dry.  She starts doing the same, cupping her hands and flinging the water at you, your skin slightly stinging at the cold shock.  “Jos, it’s cold, it’s cold, okay—okay!!” You surrender, throwing your arms up in front of you to shield yourself.  “Get in dummy!” She splashes once more.

Eddie is standing near you, pulling a piece of stray seaweed out of his curls, his face wrinkled in concentration while his torso is glistening with seawater, sparkling even as the sunlight beams off of him.  His chest and arm tattoos are on full display and you subtly try and take them in, your attention drifting to the black widow just below his collarbone.  As you scan over the artwork, Jocelyn is now peeking behind Eddie at you, gesturing that she was going to push him yet again.  Except this time she pushes him straight into you.

The next thing you remember is slimy skin on skin, the sand scraping against you as your back crashes against it along with some making its way into your swimsuit bottoms, and the loss of breath from the impact of another body on top of you.  Eyes scrunched shut and hands clenched, you realize just who is on top of you can you can’t seem to face reality.  The tide continues rolling in, covering everything but your face, however you did manage to ingest a large mouthful of seawater on your tumble down, leaving you with a salty aftertaste and sand particles wedged  in between your teeth that you might still feel in a few days.  

Exhaling a deep breath, you convince your eyelids to flutter open and above you is none other than Eddie, arms on either side of your shoulders and stomach touching yours, a little too intimate for your comfort.  His large deep brown doe eyes are looking directly at you with surprise in them, seaweed still hanging from one of his curls.  You could swim in his eyes if the world around you paused and he allowed it.  

“Um—“ you begin, slowly sitting up.  He takes his weight off of you and starts to back up on his knees.  “I’m—she pushed me—I’m so sorry.” He stumbles over his words while running a hand through his tangled hair, his fingers getting caught.  “No it’s okay—“ “Here.” As he stands up he offers you his hand which you now notice is naked without his chunky rings.  His grip is firm but somewhat gentle, you could feel that he was trying to be careful.  As his fingertips graze your wrist while he pulls you up, you note that they are slightly rough, most likely calloused from playing guitar and his work as a mechanic.  

“Thanks” you mutter almost under your breath, brushing some of the wet sand off of your legs.  Eddie still appears to be flustered, his stare not once leaving the water in front of where he’s standing.  Everyone else seems to have already moved on from Jocelyn’s stunt, continuing to play in the waves as you recover from the awkward interaction.

Jonathan sneaks behind Will, a beach pale in hand while he silently fills it with water and then dumps it over his head with a maniacal laugh.  They’re now the center of attention as they wrestle in between the waves.  You’re thankful since it seems no one is going to mention what just happened.  What was an innocent joke to Jos and your friends was actually a huge embarrassment in your eyes and your heart was still racing at any attention it may have brought to you.

—

Everyone took a break from crashing into the waves and messing around in the sand to eat lunch when the sun reached its peak in the sky.  El started passing around sandwiches, asking each person what kind they requested for the day before delicately handing it to them along with a bag of potato chips.  Jonathan tossed beers to Eddie and Jos, offering one to yourself and Argyle but the two of you declining.  Argyle opted for a more natural substance whereas being under the influence of anything in public made you anxious.  

By this point, Eddie’s shoulders, face, and torso were as red as a lobster since he neglected putting on any sunscreen.  Everyone else's faces were sun kissed and slightly pink but nowhere near as bad as Eddie’s wicked sunburn.  Your skin felt warm even being sat in the shade of the umbrella, taking Will’s spot next to El.  Tan lines began forming, your hair was filled with sea salt, and it officially felt like Summer with the smell of coconut suntan lotion and hotdogs on a grill nearby filling your nose.

Will and El finished off their sandwiches and raced towards the water and not long after everyone else was wrapping up and scarfing down the last bites of their lunch.  “I’m gonna go grab a milkshake from the diner, anyone want me to bring anything back?!” You shout as you throw your clothes on, not even bothering to button the denim shorts since you’d be back in the water soon enough anyway.  “We’re good!” Jonathan shouts back with a thumbs up just as Argyle dunks him underwater.  

“I’ll tag along if that’s cool.” You hear from behind you, not even realizing Eddie had still been lounging in one of the beach chairs with a beer held between his fingers.  “What, so you can get even more burned?” You joke as you fish some cash out of your bag.  “Ha.  Ha.  Very funny.” He deadpans.  His hair is twice as big as it normally is, the seawater giving him some added volume and his curls are extra coiled.  Freckles are starting to appear more prominent along his nose and dusting just under his eyes along the tops of his cheeks.  He almost looks like a surfer, the ones who are out every morning waiting to catch the biggest wave and you wouldn’t guess that he was from a small town in Indiana just by looking at him.  Except for the fact that he has a massive sunburn, that’s what gives it away.

“Let’s go.” You nod toward the pier, sliding your sandals on.  He throws his muscle tee back on but leaves behind his shoes, opting to walk all the way to the pier barefoot.  “The grounds gonna get really hot.” You warn him as you start making your way over.  “Psshh I grew up barefoot, especially in the Summer, I’ll be fine.” He waves you off.  

The walk to the pier took about five minutes and you smiled to yourself every time Eddie let out a “shit!” under his breath.  He may have underestimated the power of the California sun on the sidewalk that runs alongside the beach.  Reaching the pier, you step onto the dark wood and head for the diner at the very end.  Men are fishing on either side as you pass by, their poles resting against the railing.  

The diner is small and can only seat so many people on the inside.  It appears to be older with the wallpaper peeling and the cushions of the stools coming apart, the foam peaking through.  Despite this, it’s as popular as ever.  Every table is filled and the counter is fully occupied as patrons sip on their milkshakes and stuff themselves with burgers and fries.  You can smell the grease from the kitchen, your mouth watering even though you’d just eaten.  But the idea of a cookies and cream milkshake is far more enticing at the moment, creamy and delicious, your go to treat.  

“Hi, what can I get you?!”  The cashier behind the counter greets you with a grin.  She’s a small enthusiastic woman with her sandy blonde hair clipped up and wearing a t- shirt with the diner’s logo on the chest.  Sandra, her name tag reads.  “Just a cookies and cream shake please.” You request kindly.  “Make that two.” Eddie slaps down a $20 on the counter.  “Oh you don’t have to—I wasn’t expecting you—“ “Already done.” He smirks as the cashier counts out his change, handing it back to him.  “I’ll have those out in a few.” Sandra says as she returns to the kitchen window, shouting out the order for two milkshakes.

“Why’d you do that?  I have money—here.” You try to place the cash in his hand but he just crosses his arms, hiding them from view.  “Consider it compensation for knockin’ you over earlier.” He chuckles.  You huff out of frustration, returning to people watching throughout the diner as you wait. 

—

Walking down the pier with your milkshake in hand, you and Eddie slowly make your way back.  The afternoon is just now shifting into golden hour and with it, Eddie has never looked more gorgeous.  At least in the little time you’ve known him.  The sunlight brings out new hues of caramel from his irises, a swirl of golden honey and a hint of molasses evident in them and while his skin is bright red he still has a glow to him.  Lips plump and pink, he wraps them around the red straw while he enjoys his shake.  

“So I’ve never been to the beach before.” He pipes up while he stares at a fisherman reeling in a large catch.  “And while it should suck cause this sunburn hurts like a bitch, it’s been fuckin’ cool.  Your friends are cool, y’know that?” He asks, dipping his finger in some whip cream from the top of his shake and licking it off.  You can’t help but feel insecurity bubbling to the surface within you.  Your friends are cool.  Which meant that he didn’t include you, right?  “Yeah.  Yeah they’re pretty great.” You agree with your best smile.  

“Yeah it’s way different than back home.  It’s kinda like no one really gives a shit what I look like or how ‘scary’ I am.” He uses finger quotes.  “Scary?” You ask.  He nods as he gulps down some more of his shake.  “I won’t get into it but let’s just say Hawkins is probably the worst place to live if you’re me.” He explains simply.  “Actually… It is the worst place to live.” He decides.  “I’m glad you’re liking it here at least.  Are you planning on staying then?” You question as you come to a stop at the pier railing, deciding to remain there until you finish your shake.  The horizon is now transforming into a burnt orange as the sunset just barely starts, still enough daylight left but the sun is slowly making its way down, bringing with it hues of pinks, purples, and oranges.

Eddie gazes out into the ocean before him, his shake now finished as he tosses it in a nearby trash can and rests his forearms on the worn down wood of the railing.  “Dunno yet.” He says honestly, his eyebrows raising slightly as if to question himself.  “There’s no plan.  Just trying to figure shit out.” He admits, a melancholy undertone to his words.  You take in his body language, his shoulders sunken in some kind of defeat and a barely there pout to his lips.  “I think we’re all in the same boat believe it or not.” You try to offer him some comforting words with a sympathetic smile.  He doesn’t give up much more to you as he returns a small smile.  “I think we should get back before they leave us here.” He chuckles, trying to lighten the mood.

But you know.  There’s something darker lurking below his surface.  But who are you to want to uncover those parts of him if you can’t even offer those parts of yourself to anyone?  Why should you be so curious as to what darkness clouds over him when you can’t even confront your own?   

Eddie Munson was unknowingly making you question everything you knew.  And whether that was a good thing or not was something you couldn’t determine right now.  

~end~

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Masterlist

[shydaydreamer28]

MCU - PalmerStrange + Salvaging Cleaphen

Unlike my last PalmerStrange post, this IS NOT a rant - just (probably unwarranted) optimism as a Cleaphen shipper.

This is how I see PalmerStrange from the first film to MoM - which I think can add depth & perspective Strange in the future, salvage Cleaphen, while also taking some of the cringe & shallowness out of the MoM version of PalmerStrange.

I said this in my PS post, but them shoving Christine down our throats so hard fucks everything up for Clea as a love interest. When 4/8 years of Strange's MCU time has been Christine-based with her getting this unearned spot as his "one true love", how are we meant to care about Clea coming into his life?

Clea ends up looking like a consolation prize because his actual love rejected him (in numerous universes). With that being the case, how are MCU fans (who are non-comic readers) supposed to truly invest in what was set-up to look like a rebound relationship because they wrote themselves into a corner trying to give Rachel McAdams more spotlight? Lol

That's like if the comics tried to paint Zelma as Strange's true love after we spend decades with Clea. That was a weird relationship by the way. Sometimes she was strictly a student & friend, other times it was written like they intended Strange's feelings as romantic. Lord knows...But either way, it's asinine. Imo you don't (or shouldn't) spend years gassing up a relationship knowing you have no intent of settling on it, then bringing in a new person randomly claiming that it was always meant to be them after numerous prior years depicting it as clearly being someone else.

I am saying the above because it seems clear in interviews from Waldron & McAdams, that they genuinely believe in PalmerStrange as a deep love pairing. Wth their pushing of it, it hurts Clea's romance with Strange in future projects by being brought in as "the lesser" ship.

However, the writing & execution in MoM was so bad, that I can NOT see PalmerStrange the way Waldron & McAdams were trying to sell it. And plus, of course the latter is gonna toot her own horn & hype the main character's feelings for her. Lmao

The first film didn't paint Christine being anywhere near as important to Strange as MoM tried to (badly) suggest.

Being bluntly honest, Strange never really paid much attention to Christine unless he wanted or needed something. I do believe he cared as much as he could at that time in his life when we first meet him, but it seemed more like she was a safety net. I'll expand a bit further down.

But first, lets look at the first non-business interaction between them. This interaction alone tells us everything.

Christine shares her policy against dating co-works which she named after Strange. Strange is glad something is named after him since nobody wants to call the technique he invented "The Strange technique."

Christine corrects him in noting that they invited the technique, which includes her.

Note how Strange promptly rushes passed the part relating to her to talk about how he's speaking at a dinner he wants her to attend with him.

Christine is less than thrilled. Strange says they had fun when they'd go & she has to break it to him that she never had fun because everything is always about him.

This sets the tone right here. Strange is clearly attracted to Christine but he is not at all in-tune with her as a person. When they were dating, Christine went to those events for him - not because they were fun, because they weren't for her. And Strange was so detatched & disinterested in her emotionally, he couldn't fathum that she wasn't having any fun until she outright tells him. Not hard to see why she (we can safely assume) broke things off.

Lets also take notice of how Strange never does anything for Christine.

She bought him a very expensive & engraved watch.

She was the one person to visit with him in the hospital after his accident, and was clearly heartbroken seeing him hurt.

She tried to take care of him after the accident - we see her giving him a shave when he's still hospitalized as well as bringing him food after he's out.

And while her timing was bad, she tried to get him to face the fact that his hands can not be fixed rather than torture himself on false hopes & putting himself in debt because of it.

But she also tries to encourage him to use the time to find new meaning in life.

She saved his life when he was stabbed.

She tried to comfort him after The Ancient One's death.

Lastly, she invited him to her wedding as a good friend.

Meanwhile we never see him doing anything for her. Her wedding in MoM was a chance for him to be supportive & encouraging on her new life chapter.

But rather than do that, his first instinct is to make her wedding about him - using her reception as the time & place to confess that he still has feelings for her.

Not only is this tacky asf, but it shows how little her happiness & best interests are to him when he makes her big day about him. Their relationship was 100% giving and / or sacrifice on Christine's end & nothing but taking on Strange's end. And that has not changed in MoM.

Imo opinion that cements that Strange doesn't love her because he doesn't care enough about her to ever put her first, show her consideration, or do even the smallest kindnesses for her - even after his character developement .

Christine seems to be someone he could always count on to validate & support him whenever he needed / wanted because she was the only person to ever put up with him. For the longest, she may have been the only friend (and possibly lover) he ever had. Or maybe he had more but she was the only one who stuck around. However you slice it, the first film makes it clear, she's the only real friend he had prior to his journey. Nobody else cared about him beyond professional responsibility. And there was good reason for that. Lol

He's so obsessive in MoM, the only way I excuse & explain it is her wedding triggering him and bringing some insecuriies and traumas regarding loss & lonliness back to the surface.

Rather than truly loving her, he's just desperate to cling to the 1 person he's always had for the longest. Her marrying someone else cuts in on their relationship big time. But that clinginess has more to do with him trying to make himself happy & hold on to a comfort source rather than out of any truly deep love for her. 

Again, not saying he doesn't care about Christine - but rather his romantic feelings are not based around true love. It seems to be based around how she makes him feel more so than how he truly feels for her. A case of truly loving the person vs. their actions, i.e. "what they do or provide for you."

And even deep into MoM, this seemed to be the case because all of his interactions with Christine center on what he is feeling rather than him trying to truly connect with & understand her feelings. He's had some character development but when it comes to Christine, he still treats everything as being about him, marking very little change in their relationship since the hospital scene in the first film.

He regresses when he's around her. Not because of anything bad on her part. She's so compassionate to him, she's done nothing but sacrifice & give to him which he has now come to expect. When they link up, he's always looking for her to be his comfort, savior, & validation rather than his true love or partner. In response, she humors him & is more patient with him than most would be. But sadly she's inadvertently enabling his behavior.

Cleaphen & Perspective

Now that brings me to Cleaphen & new perspective for Strange. Unlike PalmStrange (lmao that name works on multiple levels), Cleaphen only got 30 sec. of screentime. Lmao So this is based around wishful thinking to build on the above. LMAO

For me, the way to salvage this upcoming ship is establish that his feelings for Christine were not as genuine as he may have thought at the time once he begins to experience & feel the real thing with Clea.

Now usually I am very much against sailing ships by bombing others. A good ship can sail on its own. The thing that makes this different was MCU writing things into a corner to show more Rachel. Derrickson used Christine to give Strange a personal teather to his old life that he'd have to give up at the film's end. He gave them their closure in the first film & was planning & excited to bring Clea in for MoM. But he left, so his vision was burnt to a crisp & replaced.

Disney wanted to do a "What If" episode about Christine, Waldron watched that and continued with giving Christine / Rachel a larger part than what they were supposed to have. Because of all this padding for McAdams, PalmerStrange got stretched way out, leading to non-comic MCU fans expecting a Ross x Rachel get-together after the supposed Will They / Won't They.

Marrying Christine off in MoM gave most people a WTF reaction because it feels anti-climactic to spend 4 years on a ship they made Strange obsessively lovesick over only to not follow through on sailing it. Then we didn't stop at the wedding, we got a variant Christine to tag along in MoM, leading folks to thinking our Strange would get with her. And that doesn't happen - even after his confession PalmerStrange fans expected to at least get a kiss there. Nope.

Now we have 4 years of wasted time on a dead & static romance while making it the center of our main character's existence only to introduce what was supposed to be his real true love in a rushed & half-assed fashion during the credits of his sequel-in-name-only.

So because of the mess Disney made with PalmerStrange, we gotta have some pull back if they truly care about selling Clea as a love interest to be cared about. And maybe they don't. We'll have to see. Lol

Imo PalmerStrange has been overstretched & has done no kind of favors to Strange as this tweet perfectly sums up. Lmao

In addition to doing Strange a disservice, it also drags down Cleaphen. If she's gonna be his lover for the duration of his MCU tenure, then the mess they made with PalmerStrange needs to be cleaned up. But this assumes there's anyone besides Derrickson in the MCU who cares about Strange & Clea's characters.

Starting off, I think his ship with Clea needs to be a very slow burn across multiple films or shows whichever they are invloved in. But it needs to be spread out to provide real development & depth so it doesn't seem rushed & half-assed. Again. Lol PalmerStrange got 2 films and 2 "What If..." episodes. They could at least give Cleaphen 2 films - especially since that's the ship that's supposed to go somewhere. The romance will only ever be a subplot because there's always a bigger over-arching story that is more important.

The following is gonna be how I hink Cleaphen should be spread post-MoM. Lord knows all the MCU projects and films to come. So I am just gonna number things

Film 1 (their very next major appearance)

We need to see them as comrades first. Show them working well together as a good team. Good battle chemistry can definitely be a factor in bonding them during early stages. It would lay the groundwork of mutual respect between 2 mystic fighters & sorcerers.

After developing mutual respect for one another as comrades, slowly work toward connecting more personally which leads to a friendship. That connection could be in conversation about her family. Perhaps Clea fully introduces herself to Strange revealing the extent of who she is to him - a key thing being that she's Dormammu's niece. We can hear about her family and the emotional conflct she faces coming from such a family whom she once supported.

This would help turn the tables. We'd get someone is sharing their sob story with Strange and he's getting a chance to be the ear to listen and provide comfort to Clea in similar fashion to what he had to do for America. This would already differentiate the relationship from Christine because he'd be required put forth emotional effort in the developmental stages. Unlike Christine, Clea comes with her own regrets and dark history. She's not the Mary Sue with no hardships or wrong-doings. So while Clea can be a source of support for Stephen, he has to be there for her issues as well.

With Clea having her own very clear demons & a VERY dangerous family, Strange would not have the chance to make everything all about him & become complacent in that. If he wants her, he's gonna have to make effort insuring she is emotionally supported & fulfilled as well.

Again, we can't linger on this subplot too long because the film would have a bigger story to be told - but we have nicely continued the ship voyage - showing how they mesh as comrades since the end of MoM, and now moving into friendship in this film. This film this is should focus a bit more on Clea with Strange being a supporting factor to her since she is a major new addition to Marvel & Strange lore. We can be learning about her & building a connection simultaneously with Strange. I hate to say that after Strange played 3rd fiddle in MoM, but even with focusing on Clea, it wouldn't hurt Strange's character as bad as MoM because we are developing a character who is going to be very big & influential in his life. So end the subplot here for this film. Whatever it may be. Lol

Film 2

Next film, shift back to Strange focus. Having clearly become fond of him, have Clea inquires about Strange - his life, family, and if he has a special someone back home. He can give a brief recap of his journey from his first film. After that, he can answer that he had a special someone years ago but it ended because he wasn't the best person at the time.

That is actually similar to the comics. Strange was engaged to a woman named Madeleine St. Germaine, a patient he treated & fell for. As his attittude got worse & more materialistic, she left him. So this can be the scene we get him talking about Christine & the real reason it ended (because everything was about him - not the BS holding the knife bit that they made up for that film). With a bit of romantic interest having seeped through, Clea asks if he still has feelings for Christine based on how fondly he's still speaking of her.

With that question, we can get some perspective and admittance from Strange - that he still cares for Christine as a very good friend but his romantic interest has passed. Why? He now realizes that he mostly loved as a source of comfort & validation rather than as a true lover.

With that question, we can get some perspective and admittance from Strange - that he still cares for Christine as a very good friend but his romantic interest has passed. Why? He now realizes that he mostly loved as a source of comfort & validation rather than as a true lover.

That would be a moment of realization that shows growth & self-reflection. Strange seemed totally ooc during the MoM Christine subplot but the above would give a legit & believable reason for his obsessive lovesick behavior. it would make it seem like a needed transition to prepare him for the relationship to come and help him truly recognize the difference between limerence vs. love now that he is learning to develop relationships and friendships outside of the 1 person he was putting all his humanity & happiness on - all his eggs in 1 basket so to speak. Baskets can be overloaded and break. Christine can't be responsible for a clingy partner using her for their emotional needs while providing nothing in return for her. Again, a very one-sided relationship. With perspective, Strange will see just what kind of effort & devotion true love can pull out of a person.

Now we have to keep the movie going. Because again, this is only a subplot. We have to move back to the bigger story. Imo this is a good place to leave Cleaphen until their next appearance. The seeds of romance have been planted with Strange & Clea being closer as comrades & having connected a bit on a friendship level. We also have both characters established to each other as single. lol

Film 3

Finally, move them into official lovers territory here. How to push it over the edge? We gotta have Strange make that final leap and allow himself to be 100% raw with Clea on an emotional level. We've now had 2 films building an intimacy as comrades & friends, so it wouldn't be unrealisticly rushed for him to be at the point of opening up on the deepest level - especially having mutually developed feelings for her over the course of the previous 2 films.

Clea has learned about Strange's life-changing journey and his history with Christine which he has gained more logical & less emotional perspective on. From here, we have a solid base set for moving the relationship to its final stage. Maybe now is the time to get that big moment we've had put off for 2 solo DS films. Strange has shared his journey into soercery & prior love life with Clea, but what about his family? I don't think it'd be an instantaneous. I could see Clea asking him about it and him brushing it off early on before he finally allows himself to open up to her fully.

And THIS story could finally be the moment we expand on Donna and see the trauma that resides there. But rather than skipping right passed it, show some actual flashbacks this time. Maybe use this story to bring up his brother, Victor and the guilt of also feeling like he failed him. This would also track with his comment to Christine about how he is afraid of being genuinely close to others because he gets scared.

When he finally caves & reveals his family history to Clea, let this be a true scene where we finally see the weight of Stephen letting all this out to someone after so long and then let Clea get the chance to comfort him on his family as he did for her when he revealed her own family drama & issues. Being such a stage ready actor who truly gets into his roles, Cumberbatch would KILL a scene like this. We'd get the chance to see Strange in a very different light, at his most vulnerable, and it's a side he's only revealing to Clea (his future wife). He can start truly opening his heart with her, and continue from there to where Comics Strange made it 30+ years ago. lmao

Doctor Strange 3

Only question, where does DS3 fit into this. Above I gave bullet points for how Cleaphen can develop organically over the course of 3 film subplots. It's still a bit rushed but there's only so much time per film and gotta face facs this isn't a Soap Opera with season upon season to devote to story lines. Getting back to the 3 mystery films, which of those is DS3 and should any of them be?

Rumor is that DS3 is being fast-tracked due to the success of MoM as well as Marvel wanting to get it out before Secret Wars. This is concerning because rushed work is usually never good. Another rumor is that it will adapt Time Runs Out from the comics and be another segue into a big event.

If those 2 things are true, then a romantic subplot probaly won't have much time for real devotion. Strange already had to take a backseat in DS2, and we stiill have Clea to properly introduce. So DS3 does NOT need to take place directly after MoM. Their next appearance needs to start planting seeds for their relationship as well as devote real time to establishing Clea. DS3 is not the place to do the latter because Strange doesn't need to play second-fiddle in 2/3 of his solo films. So that definitely crosses off Film 1 as DS3 possibilities.

Realistically DS3 could be Film 2 or Film 3. But since there is a high chance of it being event-based, I don't see a romance subplot getting handled in a way that is meaningful & satisfactory which leads me to think that all these films need to be appearances & plots that take place before DS3. If it went that way, then we can come into DS3 with Clea & Cleaphen already established - without major character moments & developments rushed in favor of making sure the event threads all get included.

Thing is, DS3 is again being fast-tracked. So unless SW isn't coming out until 2034, I doubt we'll get 3 films prior with Strange & Clea. So DS3 would have to fall in F2 or F3 to have a chance at still working with Clea & Cleaphen in a satisfying way.

I lean toward Film 2 because the suggested subplot events are depthful but wouldn't need to use too many scenes. So we can get the proper focus on that while still keeping pace for the event(s). But on the other side of the argument, what film other than his own could Strange's family and trauma truly be addressed? In a team film like Avengers, he'd already have his screentime divided among 10 other characters.

Would they do a team film that gave him the major subplot that his family trauma would need? I doubt it. So either Film 3 would be DS3. Or Cleaphen & Strange get to a certain point, pause for a bit, then finish up the development in a DS4. Lol Possible, but I never entertained the idea Strange would get a 4th film. I am not against it, but just never saw it as something that would happen.

Best Option

The best option would be to give Strange a mini series. I don't care if it's animated or live action, but his character could use it. Then we could get a lot of depth & development that the films robbed him of, develop his romance with Clea, and be in a good spot to use his remaining films as tie-ins because his development was handled in a tv series and the films can be more business oriented without shafteing the character(s) arc(s) entirely.

Outro

With all that (or similar) being done, we have a ship that has slowly built from comrades to romantic interests with mutual support & investment - much more stable than the last ship Strange was on. We can still accept that Christine is an important loved one in his life while adding a deeper layer to it - acknowledging things like emotional co-dependency instead of accepting bad writing where intended love just looks like limerence with the titular character not being mentally mature enough to know the difference. lol

With a build like this for Cleaphen and an added perspective on PalmStrange being misguided on Strange's end, we can create a ship that looks adult and deep. We can buy why Clea x Strange are good together and what they see in each other. We can have real investment with real character depth & growth - turning the negatives of MoM into positives and still making future plot points work.

Or have Christine & Charles divorce, with the forner coming back for Strange, only for him to reject her because he's in love with Clea. 🤣🤣🤣 They did it with Gwen & Spider-Man, who rejected her for MJ. But I know this won't happen. So lets get back to seriousness. Lmao

With the previous mentioned time & build, MCU Cleaphen looks like a legit ship where Strange truly is with the love of his life (like Waldron said she was suppoed to be) versus looking like a rebound he would instantly dump for Christine if she ever came back.

But again, all wishful thinking to lessen my MoM hate and still be able to enjoy the idea of Cleaphen in the MCU.

I doubt we will get anything close to deep in any future films they share. 9/10 when we finally see them again, they will already be married with the entirety of their relationship progression having happened off-screen.

[flutishly]

When “unliked” doesn’t mean “unlikable”, or, Expanded thoughts on Janine Teagues

I’ve been rewatching Abbott Elementary quite a bit these past few days. It’s not an organized rewatch, but a sporadic, messy mishmash of a few episodes from season 1 and mostly episodes from season 2, in no particular order (and I’ve rewatched some of the same episodes a few times already, even in the same evening). The more I rewatched, the more I found myself recognizing just how much I love Janine - something I’ve already posted about - and recognizing just how much the show leans into the idea that Janine is not well-liked by many (if not most) of her peers. And it got me thinking about the differences between “unliked” characters and “unlikable” characters, particularly in modern television.

At the peak of “peak TV” discourse (ugh), critics and cultural writers loved to talk about antiheros, unlikable (men) characters who were fairly obviously not good people, but compelling protagonists. But Abbott Elementary somewhat flips the script. Janine is a character who is demonstrably unliked by several of her colleagues, with the show’s writing often teasing her directly. And yet she remains the protagonist and the viewer is still clearly supposed to be rooting for her.

Janine’s radical optimism is easily mocked. Her insistence on believing that things can happen by sheer intention is taken down in both plot-direct and -indirect ways. Her tendency to rush to try to fix everything is shown to irritate those around her, though they also depend on it. Her chattiness and outward friendliness exhaust some of her more jaded fellow teachers. Some even go so far as to comment dismissively on how precisely they dislike Janine, whether they’re side characters brought on for one episode or part of the main cast. Ava in particular is often very vocal about her dislike of Janine (even if some of it is obviously performative and there’s a seed of genuine appreciation or admiration at the core of their relationship), but she’s not alone; in season 2, we see numerous occasions of Melissa rather unkindly pillorying Janine or shooting her down. Time and again, we see examples of people simply not liking Janine or not having the patience for her. We see Janine struggling to make friends. We see Janine struggling to connect with fellow teachers. We see Janine struggling to gain recognition for her work. Season 2 in particular is filled with such cases or situations where people are outright mean to Janine, which can often feel especially jarring given the show’s general “feel-good” tone. 

And yet despite all of these obvious textual examples of being “unliked”, Janine is not “unlikable” by any stretch of the imagination. Her intensity is also her greatest asset, which the show demonstrates again and again. Her passion and devotion are looked upon with love by Jacob, Gregory, and even Erica. We see Janine solve problems, do her best to stretch out of her comfort zone, and grow as a person. We see that she’s not trying to change her personality; her growth is about finding space for herself after a lifetime of giving it to others, but this has nothing to do with how she presents herself to the world. (I think this can also be seen in how the show treats her fashion choices, but that’s a bit of a tangent.) 

Janine is a character that the viewer is meant to generally like, whether or not everyone necessarily loves her or sees themselves in her (the way that I rather undeniably do). Janine is still very much the main character of the show and much of the narratives presented surround her relationships with her coworkers, which often do center on their respect for her. The show is not trying to cast her as an antihero or irritating “love to hate her” sort of character. She doesn’t have the cringe factor of a character like Michael Scott of The Office, or even Leslie Knope’s obvious over-the-top humor (though Leslie is probably the closest mapping, at least the Leslie of later, more settled seasons of Parks and Recreation). Earnest characters - and people - are easy to mock in an era of cynicism, but it shouldn’t be the case. 

Yes, I wish that Abbott Elementary could be a bit kinder to Janine, truthfully, and to Jacob as well (though he is much cringier...), but I still appreciate that the show is demonstrating how even when a character is disliked by many around her, there are those who still love and cherish her. That maybe the problem with others disliking Janine has more to do with those characters’ issues than Janine’s personality itself. That being “unliked” says nothing about whether the character - the person - is inherently “unlikable” or worthy of love. And I find this helpful when I look at the fandom too, where it often feels like Janine is forgotten as an independent character and is compelling only in the context of her relationships with others. It almost doesn’t matter how others view or appreciate her character. Ultimately, I will continue to love and appreciate her character for all that she is and all that she represents.

[twisted-oak]

Hi Oakie,

I got three questions in a trench-coat for you

1 & 2 Pressures on storytelling & worldbuilding for storytelling:

Much as Startrek envisions an alternative economic system which outlasts our own in order to give breathing room for other stories to be told... What kinds of stories and challenges within worlds do you personally enjoy the most, and which pressures would you like to see alleviated or amplified for the sake of said storytelling, as a lens -- one of each (amplified and alleviated)?

2. Why I ask this:

I've noticed whatever successful SF speculation features becomes a cultural mould for a potential future... ...And SF which lampshades real things looking forward instead of looking back often ends up creating torture-nexuses which are recreated instead of like, solved or prevented. I'd also like to know your thoughts on this phenomenon too.

Sorry that this is such a big complex question, but you sent me a very lovely message, and I wanted to respond in turn with a nice meaty question :3

Take care

Big one! love this. I'll do my best First I have to just praise trek, the post-money economy is extremely interesting, mostly because of its optimism. thats probably my answer for favorite? in terms of just how revolutionary it was for my worldview. I was into star trek less growing up, thinking it was boring, and i was attracted to things that were cool and badass, like a lil boy. (thats why i liked robots so much, they fill your senses, hard angles of cold bright refecltive surfaces, theyre often loud, with engines and fans and computer tones and servos. and they so visually detailed and interesting and every tiny piece is crafted that just looking at one is like a visual puzzle you can feel how all the pieces fit together. sorry mech tangent) but thats why star trek was kinda boring to me was how simplistic it was, the robot was just a man in makeup. same with the aliens. but as ive gotten older i more appreciate how the very simplistic medium gives the show freedom to do creative stuff. its more cerebral than i was used to, more about ideas but yeah it was revolutionary for me that there was a show, not that i watched but it was in my orbit i was aware of it, where money didn't exist. it was a silly fiction, and i laughed at it and said thats dumb how would that even work? but again as ive gotten older and eventually watched all of TOS, TNG, DS9, ENT, VOY, the movies... like, i love it. i love it so so much. both for philosophical reasons and also its just relaxing to watch. Just to see how someone thought it might be possible to organize things without coercive incentive to work i think thats why im an anticapitalist. because of just the immense mind numbing waste of it all, the waste of resources the waste of potential the waste of everyones waking lives destroying the planet to create worthless goods nobody wants or needs for the enrichment of an increasingly small number of individuals. The sheer volume of effort no longer being put to waste, but put to use, can move mountains. What if we all just cared about eachother ? sorry its gonna be hard to stay on topic lol. but yeah the pressure i love to see alleviated is capitalism, coercive hierarchy, the endless meaningless grind. fiction can be bleak and still be good of course, but i ADORE fictional worlds where everyone is just nice to eachother and gets along and like, there are problems that need to be solved of course, but everyone is coming from a place of earnest compassion and collective self interest. More eloquent people than me have written about why the protagonists of star trek are heroic examples of stable healthy moral people

another fiction very like this is My Little Pony (please dont think im cringe) where they still have money and jobs, and bills to pay, but things are just generally very pleasant and the core of trust and friendship is solid, the government is ruling with the consent and trust of the people, and they all live in harmony with the environment (because there is no natural environment really, the weather is controlled with precise magic administered by the government) and its a system that works. it soothes my autism to see a system that works to change gears a little, Altered Carbon hit me with a ver unique idea, which was taking away the constraints of the link between body and mind. its a world where peoplle can switch bodies at will. as a trans person, err, it hit me lol. i topped watching because it gives me dysphoria. but its such a cool idea that, the idea that what if we were freed from the constraints of our bodies, of aging, of sex and anatomy and biology, of distance (they visit other planets over the itnernet instead of flying there physically by bodyswapping with people who are already there) but NOT relieving us from the constraints of wealth inequality or oppressive government or addiction or abusive relationships. like theyre ostensibly more free, but theyre also more free to be violated by the system

i am also a very technology focused writer and i like stories that focus on the transformative effect of technologies as they branch out and develop. one constraint i always enjoy seeing imposed is a lack of advanced computers. in our world computers have becomes a kind of end-tech, we want to use computer to do everything possible as fast as possible. "computerize it" has become a goal in and of itself, the solution to every problem i got off topic but im just gonna send this and finish my thought later so i dont get distracted and lose it

Problems I like to see overcome? same thing, is the destruction of hierarchy, the abandonment of harmful traditions, the overthrowing of corrupt institutions. revolution stories. star trek also got me interested in the science mystery where characters hvae to use a combination of deductive reasoning, technology, and lateral thinking to figure out a question or solve a puzzle or mystery. As well as the struggle to come to understand a person or creature or scoeity thats very different from you. Exchange from different cultural perspectives. Also, of course, like i said before, i love technology and i love reading about research and development, so i love a story thats about trying to invent or innovate some new advancement. Code Geass was fun because it had mechs, but also there was a big story focus on the arms race of developing faster and better mechs before the other side

The Torment Nexus problem is real. On the one hand i don't think it should stop people from writing. But on the other hand, yeah, its almost inevitable that somebody is going to extract a single fragmentary idea from a story, which should normally have a whole moral context to it, and then apply it to disasterous ends. I dont think its a problem with moral clarity in writing though, i dont think its a matter of "don't they know you're not supposed to create the tormnet nexus?" because thats almost irrelevant. we're dealing with a mass of humanity where maybe millions of people may read a particular work, its going to be interpreted in every possible ways. and the people who have monetary incentive to interpret it in a way where they simply disregard the moral context and imitate the systems of oppression to develop a product they can sell. the invisible third comment in between Sci-Fi Author and Tech Company is the silent, omnipresent profit incentive paying them to make the torment nexus. The problem isn't that Tech Company doesn't KNOW the torment nexus is bad. the book is called Don't Create the Torment Nexus. They know, theyre just paid not to care

[ellecdc]

Hi! spokenfolk here! Was contemplating on using my main (read: reblog) account or just sending an anon bc apparently you can't send asks on your secondary blog ?! Horrible. Preposterous. Absolutely frustrating! (Apparently, this has been a problem for years??? They should really optimize that. And can I really call it a main account when all I do on here is reblog??)

Opted for the latter because the experience of being seen is mortifying; self-cringe has still yet to perish on my end. 😭

Anyways.

CRYING. SEETHING. WRITHING LIKE A WORM! Literally jumped out of bed this morning to run to your blog the moment I got the notif and I would just like to say — Remus is such a LOSER!! (negative connotation to him, positive connotation to the quality of your writing) My heart reaches out for (Y/N) and Amelia Bones :( they both don't deserve whatever convoluted circus act Remus calls a masterplan. Really excited to see Moony's perspective on this 👀 hopefully soon?

Cheers,

— 🥞

p.s. 😭 I've realized that my blog can't be tagged because I haven't posted anything in it yet WAHAHAHA! I'll make a quick post for visibility's sake. Really sorry about that L!

Ugh spokenfolk, the mortifying ordeal of being known - I GET IT!!!!

Also, thank you for clarifying all of this for me??? I’m so new to tumblr so ppl asked to be on a tag list and I was like ???? Ok bet and I tried and it wouldn’t let me tag some people and I’m like??????????? I’m terrible at everything???? Why can’t I even just tag people in posts, the fuck???? GOOD TO KNOW!!!

Also right? Poor stupid remus I just had to take a break from writing cuz the bastard was pissing me off so much. Part of me sort of thought our reader wouldn’t be offended when she inevitably found out about this but everyone is ready for some reader angst! What do we think? Does our whimsical!reader get her feelings hurt because of our resident dumbass?

I know remus thinks/believes he’s doing the right thing, but if even SIRIUS is like “ew dude, cringe”, somethings not right.

I tried to break up the angst with Peter and James and I laughed at my own writing (embarrassing) so hopefully y’all enjoyed the comedic relief too 💖

[potatoesandsunshine]

ooh good questions! I'm gonna say 1, 2, 10, and 4 for my beloved now is the season of the hunter death <3

thank you hannah!!!! these questions come from this post.

1.What fic of yours would you recommend to someone who had never read any of your work? (In other words, what do you think is the best introduction to your fics?)

this is such a hard question for me and i don’t really feel like i have a good answer!! i guess it depends on what fandom someone was into? and i’m not really a fan of any of my pre-2020 fic anymore (i’m glad it got me where i am as a writer now but it kinda feels like looking back at pictures from middle school; like, loveable cringe?). i guess if fandom wasn’t a factor i’d choose most agitated hands, be my salvation because it feels like it exemplifies what i like to do best, which is turn characters over in my brain and make up activities for them to do. the small jobs series is also a distillation of me at my most Me (coming back to a ten year old video game and insisting that two women should’ve kissed). i know i’ve written so much cr over the years but sometimes i can’t find myself in those stories :(

2.Go to your AO3 “Works” page, to the sidebar with all the filters, and click the drop-down arrow for “Additional Tags.” What are your top 3-5 most used tags? Do you think they accurately represent your writing habits?

okay skip over the tlovm spoiler tag that’s just in there because i’m trying to finish the oneshots series. i guess that does represent my writing habits lately but it doesn’t represent Me As A Writer. other than that i think this is pretty accurate! the line between angst and light angst is something i often go with my gut on and i do love to write canon divergence AUs. and honestly i like writing about friendship more than i like writing most shippy stuff so i’m glad that’s in there :)

10.How do you decide what to write?

i wait for inspiration and then i stay up really late when it hits. i do not have good writing discipline and i have never managed to get the ‘write every day even if it’s just a hundred words’ habit. because it’s a hobby/for fun, i try really hard not to put too much pressure on myself and just lean into whatever idea feels best at the time. there are a couple things i’m not really interested in writing so it’s easy to stay away from them, but other than that i’ll just write whatever comes to me. i wrote about the elder scrolls: oblivion earlier this year and i’m working on a sequel fic when that game came out in 2006.

4.What detail in now is the season / of the hunter Death are you really proud of?

the fact that any chapters of it ever get finished at all every time anyone references the scars vox machina have left (however inadvertently!) on these characters is a moment i love. kaylie has a scar around her neck and one on her torso from vax killing her and she’s not sure if she’s ‘allowed’ to be mad about it. cassandra is carrying around the arrowheads her sister-in-law sniped her with. and this little moment in chapter three is like a crystallization of these three characters:

kynan looks back in regret, kaylie looks forward with a kind of angry optimism, and cassandra’s trying to figure out who she is in the present moment. it feels kinda cliche but i love it and it’s the guiding star of this fic’s characterization.