#this my friends is why i identify as genderqueer

[pheonix-inside]

Sometimes I forget that I'm. Y'know. A girl. And that when I wear a skirt it's not gnc. It's just "normal."

[eclaire-went-bam]

i'm THIS close to just making my pronouns he/it, or just it/its, bcs istg ppl see "prefers it/it but also ok with he/they" & think it's a good excuse to not call me by my "weird" pronouns

people hardly ever use "he" either, bcs i don't pass

like. it/it's my preferred pronouns. he/they is tolerable but over time i'm just going to get annoyed. wait till they hear abt my super secret neopronouns

[genderqueerdykes]

there really is a cultural pressure for transmascs & men to detransition, and it comes from all sides. it comes from the queer community too, not just terfs and cishet transphobes.

it took me a while to realize why transphobic people and transandrophobic queers utterly despise trans guys & mascs who are over the age of like 25- it's because it pisses them right off that we've resisted their attempts to make us detransition. it makes them so angry to see they were unable to groom that person into a life of self-shame and repression. it really seems like MOST people believe that trans men will just detransition eventually in life? people NEVER think about older trans men, only teenage trans boys and trans men in their very early twenties.

when i was involved with my local punk scene i was addressed with condescension, almost everyone around me didn't accept transmasculinity as a legitimate identity and thought that we would've transitioned by now in life. i encountered folks who would talk about transmasculinity with subtle disgust that made me feel like i was doing something wrong, and people who expressed overt disgust, saying in plain english that they were disgusted by breasts and vaginas because they were gay men. all along the way i was literally mocked for not having a penis, and one of my roommates started treating me differently once they found out i didn't have one (because they were attracted to me)

i've been on T for 9 years, and been out as a trans man for a bit longer than that, and i noticed as i've aged i've also attracted a lot of folks who have tried to deter me from identifying as a trans man, either through directly telling me that trans men are inherently dangerous, or by implying that women or another gender are safer, quieter, calmer, "less traumatizing to be around," etc. one of my exes told me they were terrified to date me (despite literally going out of their way to do so for over half a year) because they were scared i would be transphobic to them because i'm a transmasculine lesbian.

i received pressure from online friends to either detransition and become an intersex butch woman, or to something feminine adjacent or nonbinary. for years i dealt with a few friends who kept subtly hinting that i should stop identifying as a trans man or trans masc because of how awful transmascs are- going as far as to sending me screenshots of transmascs speaking, complaining about them and calling them whiny, annoying. talking about how all transmascs are entitled, how all transmascs take things too personally, how we complain too much, and so on.

people make no effort to make space for transmascs and men. i met 0 transmascs in my local punk community that i was able to stay in contact with. none. i met a few in passing but none that actually were introduced to me in a capacity where i could actually try to befriend them. it really felt like other punks in the scene were desperately trying to keep the transmascs apart at times. excuses were made as to why i couldn't hang out with other transmascs i liked, but i was constantly being forced to befriend transphobic cis gay men and transandrophobic transfemmes who outwardly expressed hatred and disgust of us. it really felt like it was on purpose... almost as if other members of this community wanted our attention, but never wanted us to give each other attention or a sense of community. like we were objects, not people to be included in the community for real. satellite friends, if you will.

i'll be honest with you. i was at my lowest at this point. i realized i wasn't just a trans man and that i'm a genderqueer person who experiences multiple genders, including womanhood and an "other" gender, which was great. however now i was being forced to completely stuff down being a man for the sake of other people. instead of folks telling me they'd rather not hang out with transmascs, folks rather just attempted to guilt me for identifying as such in the hopes i'd stop identifying that way. i was being told daily that trans men and mascs are inherently violent and terrible to be around. i was in discord servers where transmascs were being kicked constantly for getting even slightly upset about transandrophobia, or being unfairly targeted by staff.

it's violence, but nobody wants to call it that. i pulled myself out of there and am now able to contact other transmascs and trans men who are proud of who they are and have elevated me back into a headspace where it's okay to truly be myself. just keep in mind that if you feel like you're in that situation, you're not alone. people who attempt to groom others are often very subtle it's not always up front. they will start slipping in hateful sentiments very slowly and make you feel like maybe they're the ones who are actually right.

it feels good to be an almost 32 year old trans guy. there's nothing to be ashamed about there. people project their feelings on to my gender and that has nothing to do with me. it has nothing to do with you, either. people will just project on to you for whatever reason- hatred is usually the motivator there. if you encounter folks who keep trying to badger you out of identifying as your gender, no matter who you are, transmasc, transfemme, transneutral, trans anything- they are not good for you. they are not your friends. they do not accept you as you are and you deserve so much better.

[aptericia]

Not proud to be here.

--

Ok, here goes draft like 5 of this fucking post. I spent 4 hours tossing and turning in bed last night thinking about this, and then this morning I found a tumblr post that really helped me understand what I was trying to say.

The post talks about how aromantic "advocates" claim that "aros don't take up resources, so there's no reason not to include them!" And if that's actually what people believe, I think I can finally articulate why it is that I feel so alienated in queer spaces.

It's because aspecs in general aren't "welcomed" by much of the queer community. We're tolerated. We perhaps get the luxury of not being contradicted on our own identities, or not being specifically kicked out of LGBTQ-only spaces, but that's the whole point: what we get out of the queer "community" is people NOT doing things, not actually doing things FOR us. And that, frankly, is not enough. We deserve conversations about us. We deserve to have others consider our feelings, even when making lighthearted jokes. We deserve varied, respectful representation in media. We deserve the active deconstruction of amatonormativity in society. We deserve to have space made for us, rather than at most being told we should "go take up more space!" ourselves.

Of course, the reality is that my being aspec is a personal matter that does not inherently affect anyone else. But the same can be said for literally any queer identity. Your being gay doesn't say anything about me, so of course I shouldn't hurt you for it, but why should I help you either? Because your happiness and comfort are important. The same goes for aspecs.

And most of the time, I don't even need anyone to make space for or expend resources on me; I can live fine in everyday, non-queer-specific places without mentioning my identity at all. But it's the queer community that claims it will make that space for me, doesn't, and then acts defensive and morally pure if I call out the hypocrisy because "we're queer too, you can't erase our identities to advocate for yours!!!!"

Again, this post isn't about specifics. I have queer friends who are incredibly thoughtful and supportive about my identity, just as I have non-queer friends who are. I find more solidarity in aspec-only communities, as well as trans/genderqueer ones, although there are still many exceptions. This post is also not about amatonormative ideology, which is extremely common from queer and non-queer people alike. This post is about the reason I've felt so betrayed by the queer community.

--

On a personal note, I remember being so excited when I started identifying as aromantic (and later asexual). Fitting myself into labels has been a lifelong struggle for me; to this day I still can't confidently say if I'm White or PoC, neurotypical or neurodivergent, abled or disabled, cisgender or not cisgender. I continue to struggle making friends because I don't fall into social cliques. To discover that I officially, certainly, was LGBTQ+ lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. And now I'm just so sad to find that despite that, I'm still stuck in the middle. I didn't get rewarded with a community. I still feel alienated from both queer and non-queer people. I know it was silly to get my hopes up when there's such vast diversity in both groups, but it really was a disappointment. Going to my first Pride parade last year was really the moment where I realized this.

[freakqueer]

coming out and being told "cant you just identify as gender queer or nonbinary, why do you have to 'Go All The Way' and be A Whole Other Scary Gender" is a pretty widespread experience, regardless of whether you're a trans woman or a trans man.

off the top of my head i can think of at least several friends who were told by their parents "cant you just be nonbinary/genderqueer" when they came out as trans men, including one who was told this by a therapist. the only reason elliot ever got used as a name for me initially was because my mom pitched "El" as "it can be a girls name too, its gender neutral". to this day i have a brother who pointedly only uses they/them for me when he's mad at me because it's a way for him to degender me and he knows my mom will get angry at him if he calls me she/her.

[lindentea]

a Dyke-nonychus for Pride month! Baltimore Pride is tomorrow and i'm excited! it's my first Pride since coming out as a lesbian and i'm PUMPED.

(a longer-than-i-thought-it-would-be ramble about identity follows!)

i'd been out as bi for something like 25+ years (i just turned 40 three weeks ago). i thought that since i'm not a †3®ƒ and i'm attracted to women and nonbinary ppl no matter their hardware, and since i'm transmasc/genderqueer myself, that it fully excluded me from being able to call myself a lesbian. i've heard and internalized some really cruel takes (mostly on leftbook, ugh) from tankies screaming that no one can be a lesbian unless they strictly identify as a woman in a very binaristic sense, are only attracted to women also in a binaristic sense, and only use she/her pronouns.

what a crock of shit, amirite??

comphet got me real bad, too. i'd been partnered with an uninterrupted stream of men since i was 15 (also dated women/nb ppl during that time, polycules, yadda yadda). i was married to a man for almost a decade, then only a handful of months after we split up, i jumped straight into another almost-decade-long relationship with a man (lovebombing is one helluva drug). i'm still friends with my ex-husband but that latter partner was horrendously abµs¡ve and thank fuckin' Satan i'm no longer with him.

up until i escaped The Arsehole, the longest amount of time that i wasn't in any kind of relationship with a man (whether romantic or just a hookup) was only a couple months at most. the societal pressure to never say "no" to a man is crushing. to always seek validation from men, because if men don't find me attractive then i have failed at life. the pressure when identifying as bi and internalizing the message of "but if you're bi, why don't you want to date men? if you're really bi, you shouldn't exclude any gender(s) from your dating pool."

...and then i spent an entire year without having any sort of relationship with a man. and hooooooo-lee shit, y'all...!! i had an existential crisis that was.. honestly...? set off by Tracy Chapman's performance at the Grammys. i made a whole 3-hour long Spotify playlist of as many songs as i could think of that had made me feel the gayest. (the playlist is fuckin' siiiiiiiiick, if i may say so myself. but i'm sorry to non-paying Spotify folks, since i prefer to craft playlists meant to be listened to in a specific order. still slaps on random, tho.)

i spilled my guts to a few trusted friends (as well as my lovely nb partner), and i in a conversation with one of my closest friends (whomst, in the past, i'd had multiple deep-dive conversations about our identities as bi) i said, "so like... if i'm nonbinary... and i'm only attracted to women and nonbinary ppl who identify more with that 'end' of the timey-timey gendery-wendery gender spectrum...." and she told me, "Linden... Linden. that is literally in the definition of lesbian." and... that was that, then.

ANYHOW, i could go on and on, but..... uhhhhh HERE, HAVE A CUTE DINOSAUR! happy Pride!!

[camp-counselor-life]

Pronouns

My pronouns are she/they. I'm genderqueer and don't fully identify as a woman, but it's complicated, and I don't feel like I can claim nonbinary, so genderqueer is my term of choice. I list my pronouns in my email signature at work and on my zoom name, but do not discuss them with anyone or regularly introduce myself with them, nor have I shared my gender identity beyond close enough to woman to count for ratio. Few people use they/them pronouns for me, but I honestly don't care enough to ask them to.

However.

My pronouns are not listed on my public/personal social media sites, except LinkedIn, where they are listed as she/her only. Why, if they are listed in my professional circles?

I am not out to my parents or anyone else in my family and my dad and some of my parents' friends are on my LinkedIn. And I'm not ready for them to know. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for them to know. I wouldn't deny it if they found out, but I don't want to come out to them in that way.

I think there need for acceptance of that, from all sides. When our marketing specialist shared a post I made about working for [council], she asked, because my pronouns did not match. But more importantly, she respected that I didn't want they/them pronouns on public social media.

I am bombarded with messaging from social justice accounts, including trans people, saying we must share our pronouns publicly. That it's transphobic for cis (appearing) people not to put them out, front and center. But that would out me as other than cis. That would out me to my family, to people I know would not be ok with it. It's not on me to educate everyone in my world on what it means for me to use she/they pronouns. And I need more people, especially pro-gender diversity/trans acceptance people, to publicly respect that.

[randomasstalkingdeer]

HI

it's come to my attention, that, besides my first post on this blog, I haven't actually introduced myself. So here we are.

(EDIT Y'ALL WHO ARE SEEING THIS AGAIN AND ARE LIKE "hey whys ur name different" IM GOING THROUGH A NAME CRISIS AND IDFK WHAT MY NAME IS SO CALL ME FEE OR KINNY OR KIN OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT I DONT CARE)

Hi! My name is Fee/Kinny/Kin/Finny/Fisk. (see above)

My pronouns are: any neopronouns/nounself pronouns. Oh, and I'm also fine with they/them. My fav neos include, but are not limited to:

Deer/deer/deers/deerself

Ne/nym/nis/nymself

Neb/neb/nebs/nebself

Fey/feym/feyr/feyrself

Cae/caer/caers/caerself

Rat/rat/rats/ratself

Kie/kir/kirs/kirself

I am agender, asexual, and aromantic. All the As!! I also identify as genderqueer.

I'm a deer/wolf therian and also a cat therian. I'm REALLY bad at quads even though I love doing them, and some of my friends are trying to teach me to get better at them.

!!!!!!I AM A MINOR!!!!!!

I am also an artist, and I'll be posting mostly art, shitposts, therian stuff, and queer shit.

My favourites are:

Food: Pizza w/ pineapples & mushrooms (don't knock it till you've tried it)

Songs: Requiem from Dear Evan Hansen, Defying Gravity from Wicked, Fat Funny Friend by Maddie Zahm and People Watching by Conan Gray

Thing to draw: People!

Novels: Solitaire & the City Spies series

Graphic novel: The Deep Dark by Molly Knox Ostertag

DNI: queerphobes (e.g. homophobes, transphobes, biphobes, etc., etc.,) TERFS, anti-therians/anti-alterhumans, any blogs NSFW, Zo0phil3s

I'm Canadian!

I love to write, read, draw & act. I'll also be posting some poem I write on this blog

THANK YOU FOR READING!!! HAVE A GOOD DAY/NIGHT!! <3 <3

[chiisana-sukima]

follow up to the question you just answered (tho I'm a different anon), when did you first get into fandom? what was it like back in the day?

I read what I would now consider my first fic when I was thirteen. It was split into two traditionally published Star Trek novels, but they were whumptastic, barely sanitized Spirk (no sex, but omg the "Ill die for you, give up everything for you, endure horrible torture, etc" vibes were off the charts). And while I can't say they awakened something in me per se--because I had already read a bunch of other raunchy queer scifi by other authors--they were certainly my first taste of transformative works, and I've been in fandom on and off since I became old enough to drive to cons a few years later.

Why is that romulan chick there when this is sanitized gay porn? No idea, its been years since I read these.

I went to Star Trek cons when I was in my twenties and still know some of the con runners from that time. There were, to put it bluntly, a lot of raves and a lot of sex lol. It was a more open time period in some ways, or at least it was open enough my whole friend group basically all banged.

Otoh though, there wasn't nearly as much language to think and talk about identity. I think The Youth TM have really stepped up around issues of gender and sexuality in ways that are net huge positives, including for older queers who can now identify ourselves in ways that may always have been central to us, but which we didnt have language to express (I still call myself bi and queer but can now also say I'm nonbinary/genderqueer and aro--both of which I have been for as long as I can remember but only have words to discuss now). We banged a lot back then (which was great! no regrets!) but didn't know ourselves very well.

I didn't become what I'd call active in fandom on a regular basis though until the 1990s. I was a manga translator in the late nineties/early 2000s and ran a small scanlation team. There wasn't as much Discourse about what kinds of content are acceptable then as there is now, but Discourse springs eternal, so there were a bunch of other kinds of wank instead. My team was international, and we ended up splitting over a weird mix of factors that included one of the members being incredibly racist due to childhood trauma during the Yugoslav wars, my own anxiety over customs opening all my packages from Japan, and an attempt by a traditional publishing company to co-opt all the scanlators as contractors for shit wages and no benefits.

I took a long break and then came back into fandom on the fic reading/writing side in 2015, and I love it here a lot. AO3 is the best thing since sliced bread. Even though I worry about purity wank and the panopticon and how that's all affecting people growing up now, I think overall fandom is a better place for the togetherness that the internet has bred. It's much more accessible now compared to when I was young, and it's easier to find your own little tribe of weirdos who match your freak pretty exactly.

[our-transmasculine-experience]

i don't need advice or anything, just wanted to vent (sorry) due to a conversation i had with my mom recently. i generally identify as genderqueer, but my parents (and most other cis people) don't understand and don't want to understand what that's supposed to mean, so i generally say i'm a trans guy.

i'm not really fully out; i came out to my parents impulsively and then after two months of arguing we made a "deal" that i would wait until 18 to socially transition. despite that, i still try to get my hair cut as short as possible and i tell my school friends i'm trans. because frankly that deal is bullshit and if it's been 2 years and i still want to be a boy surely they can tell it's not just a phase?

idk. last night i was with my mom after i'd gotten my hair trimmed, and she'd been complaining the whole time about how i'd try to ""trick"" barbers into cutting my hair super short. i asked her if, when i turned 18 and decided i still wanted to transition, she'd love me the same.

and she straight up said "no". she said she'd be unhappy and while she'd still care about me, she'd probably be more distant. i get the feeling she'd continue to treat me as a girl as well.

she says she still sees me as a girl because i only started wanting to be a boy "recently". i explained to her i've been exploring my gender since 9 (when i joined amino, i once mentioned how i wanted to change my gender all the time and my online friends told me about being trans and genderfluid etc etc). my mom thinks that it's only because i'm way too online that i think i'm trans. because when i was super young i would do "girly things", and all trans people "act trans" from childhood. and if i were really a guy i would want to kiss girls.

and that's. so frustrating. both because i've TOLD HER i'm aroace, and also because she knows there's no such thing as girly/boyish things. besides, i also played video games and hung out with more girls than boys and watched superhero shows. that doesn't make me a boy, so why would liking frozen and mlp and barbie make me a girl? and why does it matter if i feel happier being called a boy? why can't she accept that? fucking hell

sorry for the long vent just had to get this off my chest

i’m so sorry about this, anon. i hope you feel better!

[genderqueerdykes]

thank you both for this, i was literally in the process of writing a post about this as i saw these.

i came out as bisexual when i was about 19 or 20 years old, in 2011 - 2012. this was such a difficult thing because everyone around me suddenly had very pointed opinions on me. suddenly i wasn't queer anymore, i was a straight person. i asked people why and they said well bisexual people are half straight, which makes you straight, which means gay people don't want to be around you. i was told nobody likes bisexuals because they're too straight to be gay and too gay to be straight

i had a literal personal dilemma because i didn't feel like that at all. when i was realizing i was bisexual i was realizing i was attracted to all genders in a queer way. i did NOT feel like my attraction to men, women or genderqueer people was straight in any way, shape or form. i've always fit in much better in both gay and lesbian circles. those have always been my home, and my community

in the early days of my transition, when "genderqueer" wasn't even remotely heard of, i had to try to transition into being a man to be seen as trans at all. i went from being forced into lesbian spaces to being forced into gay male spaces. nobody let me pick where i was existing. i was being pushed around. i liked both lesbian and gay male spaces, but i was being told when i could and couldn't occupy the spaces. and then when it came out i was bi everyone called me a traitor and said i was a straight person

my best friend at the time came with me to pride meetings and when her mom found out about that, and that i was bi, she told my friend she couldn't come to those pride meetings anymore, and that i was turning her daughter into a lesbian. her mother would not stop calling me a lesbian all throughout my life. from early childhood, she thought me and her daughter were dating because i was butch and she was femme and we were very close. her mom carried this belief into adulthood, asking her outright if we were lovers. her brother thought we were, too, and taunted us about it.

my own mom weaponized lesbianism against me. she hated how butch i was. she hated that i "looked and acted like a lesbian". she called me a butch and a bulldyke hatefully. she told me not to dress or look certain ways or else people would assume i, and her by some proxy, were lesbians. my mom was insanely butch so i don't really know why this was being leveraged against me but either way when i became a young adult and my mom was trying to force me to learn to drive (something i am terrified of doing due to having 2 dissociative disorders), she asked what kind of car i would ideally like. i said a truck. i was standing there in a purple plaid shirt and she just sighed and went "I knew you were a lesbian." she pointed out my shirt. she was weaponizing lesbophobic and butchphobic stereotypes against me, but either way, reinforcing that i was a lesbian in one capacity or another

i got so tired of my friends harassing me for saying that if i was bi that meant i was straight and i needed to stop calling myself gay because i wasn't, and that it was an "insult" to the gay community. note that nobody gave a singular flying fuck about the bisexual community at all. i was literally bullied out of identifying as bi, because my straight cishet male friends hated it, and my lesbian identifying GF was uncomfortable with it because it made me sound too straight.

the thing is, none of these people asked what being bisexual meant to me.

i actually liked the lesbian community a lot. i really love other lesbians. i have always been attracted to lesbian and butch identifying people for as long as i could remember. i loved seeing strong butch women on TV, even if there were rude jokes. i loved the idea of being a masculine person who is sometimes a queer masculine woman. i loved the idea of being with femmes, i loved queer women and people who took femininity to the next level. i also loved seeing gay men when and wherever they existed. i always felt like i fit right in, and like i was seeing a reflection of a part of myself i needed help discovering.

i have almost always, as long as i can remember, identified as a gay man, and a lesbian, at the same time. my attraction to men, women, and people of all genders is queer no matter what gender of mine is involved. it doesn't matter. i have never felt "half gay half straight" which is why people weaponizing heterosexuality against me as a bisexual forced me to strictly identify as a gay man for almost a decade. it was painful to ignore my butch lesbian side, and to stop identifying as gay, because people would criticize how attractive i found women, and other people

if people had let me exist and explain what bisexuality means to me, they could've understood that bisexual is an inherently deeply queer attraction no matter what genders are involved, but NOBODY cares to listen to the bisexual. everyone LOVES to speak for us because we're just "straight people invading the queer community."

we've had it. bisexuals are queer. even if they DO identify as "half straight" they're STILL queer. let bisexuals define bisexuality. there is no one size fits all form of bisexuality. every single bisexual defines it differently and that's the point. it's a very complex identity with many layers that often relate to gender and presentation as well as attraction.

let bisexuals define bisexuality.

[overgrown-memory]

Oh...? A new specimen?

“Life keeps growing and wilting, no matter what – erosion eating away at it… This is why I seek to eternally preserve it.”

— RUAN LIAN 

A sly and humourous scholar, and Member #80 of the Genius Society; who also happens to be Ruan Mei’s little brother. An expert in the biological sciences, who focuses on preserving life to make it eternal rather than figure out how to create new things from nothing. Like his sister, he greatly enjoys desserts, however also enjoys traditional poetry and music. 

AGE: “Young Man”

SPECIES: Human. 

PRONOUNS: Any.

FACTIONS: The Genius Society. 

PATH: The Preservation. 

ELEMENT: Wind. 

— NOTES ABOUT THE CHARACTER

THIS is Ruan Lian's character doc, which involves character stories, voicelines, lightcone descs, and more!

Ruan Lian identifies as genderqueer and aroace. 

He is single, but can be a bit of a flirt and tends to enjoy teasing Aventurine.

Ruan Lian does not anger quickly, and typically laughs when faced with aggression. He is not necessarily haughty, but he knows his own worth and is assured in it, and will therefore not respond to being ordered around and will merely ridicule whoever attempts to do so. He can be cruel and vicious with his words, and has an almost fox-like disposition if he is not acting neutral.

Ruan Lian, as the name suggests, is Ruan Mei’s brother. 

Ruan Lian has low levels of empathy, and frequently commits to morally questionable experiments, just like his sister. However, there are people that he truly does care for and genuinely wish the best for, including family and close friends. Ruan Lian is fiercely determined and will stop at nothing to achieve his goal, sacrificing time and people like pawns if necessary. He also is quite vengeful to those who hurt those he loves, going to great lengths to return the favour once someone has gotten on his bad side. 

I mean, if you managed to piss him off, you’re in for a world of pain. 

Ruan Lian will often seek a neutral or positive relationship with those he deems ‘interesting’ or ‘potential specimens’. He has a generally positive relationship with the other Genius Society members, and is neutral on the subject of Dr. Ratio.  

— TAGGING SYSTEM 

preserving life . 🌸 | for in-character posts & reblogs

flow of time . ⌛ | for random thoughts

stopping time . 🕯️ | for answering asks

an equal mind . 💡 | for interactions with others from the genius society

twin strings . 💮 | for interactions with ruan mei

reversing the clock . 💎 | for interactions with herta

a fellow friend . 🌻 | for interactions with yu qingtu

cold steel . 🔩 | for interactions with screwllum

rubber ducks . 🦆 | for interactions with stephen

a fascinating specimen . 🎴 | for interactions with aventurine

flourishing potential . 📘 | for interactions with dr. ratio

familiar instruments . 🌼 | for interactions with canon characters

a foreign song . 🌺 | for interactions with ocs!

erosion . 🌷 | for writing starters/bits

home . 🌹 | ooc!

— NOTES FROM THE MOD 

I use they/them pronouns!

I am a minor. NO NSFW. 

I love interacting w/OCS. 

If you want to RP a specific situation you’re free to!

I get wordy sometimes with my replies. No need to respond with the same amount of energy.

I respond quickly, even though I’m in school.

Feel free to say hi in the inbox!

No flirting with the mod. I’m taken. :) 

I am the same person that mods @yingchens-writings, @dreamingmachinery, @nihility-zel and @robbery-dollie, so the format is NOT stolen.

If you want to use my formats, ASK FIRST. 

[gay-otlc]

hi honest sincere question how can a man be a lesbian? can amab men be lesbians?

Hi! Thanks for asking respectfully. I am going to answer your question in significantly more detail than you probably wanted. Be warned.

The main reason I think men can be lesbians is: I think people can use whatever words they think most accurately describe their identity and/or experience. These words might not necessarily be words that they are, but still words that they use to describe themselves.

Lesbian does have a lot of feminine connotations, and can cause dysphoria for many men, so men who use both terms have often put a lot of thought into it. I might not understand their reasons, but I'm sure they have their reasons.

You don't need to understand to be respectful, but if you're curious, here is an explanation of why some men choose to identify as lesbians. This got so long that I'm dividing it with subtitles. I'm so sorry if you didn't want to read all this.

Lesbian Trans Men

Men who identify as lesbians tend to be trans men. Of course, wanting to use the label lesbian is a minority of trans men who like women! Definitely don't assume all trans mlw are comfortable being called a lesbian, or call a trans man a lesbian without permission.

At least for me, labels describe how I feel in the present but also the way I have experienced gender and attraction throughout my life. Right now I'm a man who's attracted to women, but at lunch today I was talking about how it felt in middle school to be a "girl" who liked girls, and I used the word lesbian to communicate that.

Trans men who have spent a very long time identifying as a lesbian and being a part of the lesbian community, often decades, might continue using the label lesbian after transitioning. If a trans man feels like he spent his life as a lesbian rather than a straight man, the former might feel most accurate to describe his experience.

Trans men might also identify as lesbian due to being in the closet. Internally, I feel more like a straight man, but that's not really how I'm seen by the rest of the world. I'm out to a few close friends offline, but pretty much all my other classmates or teachers or relatives or acquaintances think of me as a woman.

If I called myself straight, that would most likely be interpreted as me being a straight woman. I'm open about liking women, though, which means I would either have to be out as lesbian or bi. I definitely shouldn't call myself bi, because I'm not attracted to multiple genders. So, I go with lesbian. It's not the perfect label, but it gets the point across. (The point being "I think women are hot.")

Male =/= Solely, Always, Exclusively Male

Men who are lesbians are not always exclusively men. Multigender people exist! I'm one of them. If someone is bigender with those genders being a man and a woman, and they're attracted to women, I don't think it really makes sense to say that they can't be a lesbian.

I'm assuming you (anon) support nonbinary lesbians, since that's the general trend I've noticed among those who are trans-inclusive but don't understand male lesbians. Some nonbinary people will also identify as men. If nonbinary people can be lesbians, nonbinary men can be lesbians.

A genderfluid person might sometimes be a man and sometimes be another gender(s) that are more commonly included in lesbianism, and like women, and use both labels.

This could apply to anyone regardless of assigned gender, so those are some examples of how a man assigned male at birth could be a lesbian.

AMAB Male Lesbians

As for whether men who were AMAB can be lesbians... yes, but I want to clarify that not just any cis man should go "lol I'm a lesbian" because it's funny. Someone would need to put thought into why the feel like lesbian is the best label for them.

In the case of a man who was AMAB, they would probably feel like lesbian is a good descriptor due to having a complex relationship with their gender. Being genderqueer and being an AMAB man or AFAB woman are not mutually exclusive.

Gender Non Conformity

There's a type of identity that I believe is referred to as a cusp identity, or something like that? It is where someone might blur the line or exist in the grey area between two different identities with an overlap in a lot of experiences.

There might be someone who is on the cusp right between being a trans woman and an extremely gender nonconforming man. They might not be sure which one they fall into, or feel like they exist right in the middle. This person might identify simultaneously as or right between "lesbian trans woman" and "feminine presenting cishet man."

There are also some people who identify with their assigned gender, but pursue medical transition in a way typically associated with a different gender. I have a friend who identifies fully as a cis woman, but thinks she might want to get bottom surgery. It's a type of gender nonconformity, you know?

I don't know anyone who's had this experience in reverse, but it's definitely possible. I'm sure there's a cis man out there somewhere who has or wants to medically transition to "female." And I think it would make sense if this hypothetical person wanted to identify as a lesbian.

Trans Women

Just to be clear, I am NOT saying trans women are men. They aren't. (Unless they're multigender, which is cool.) But monogender trans women aren't men, and definitely should not be misgendered.

Similar to how a straight trans man might be closeted and call himself a lesbian, a lesbian trans woman might be closeted and call herself a man. Again, this lesbian trans woman wouldn't be a man. However, a she might refer to herself as a man to stay safe, or just because she's not comfortable being out yet, but might also refer to herself as a lesbian online or around a few people she's close with. She's not actually a lesbian man, but using both labels would still be enough to get cancelled by those violently against male lesbians.

Some trans women might also still be eggs (not yet realize they're trans). I know that prior to coming out as trans, some gay trans people have said something like "I'm a man, but I want to be in a lesbian relationship" or "I'm a girl and I love reading mlm fanfiction, I like to imagine myself as one of the characters." A trans woman just beginning to explore gender could identify or want to identify with being a lesbian, while still not fully realizing she's not a man. Again- not actually a man, but someone who might use both labels.

Arguments Against Lesbian Men

Now, I know there are a lot of reasons this is controversial, and some of them are even in good faith. However, they are still misguided.

"It's Misgendering Trans Men"

Many people are opposed to trans men being lesbians because they're trans men and would feel dysphoric if called a lesbian, or are an ally and don't want trans men to be misgendered.

That's a very understandable concern, but see my earlier note about not calling a trans man a lesbian without permission.

Trans men aren't a monolith, and everyone's comfortable with different things. Some trans men are comfortable wearing dresses and some trans men are comfortable being called "sis" or "queen" or something, but many aren't, and that's all okay!

I think people just need to be clear that even though some trans men are okay with this, it doesn't apply to all trans men.

"Cishet Men Will Pretend To Be Lesbians"

Another reason people are against male lesbians is because they're concerned cis straight men will call themselves lesbians for no reason other than they think it's funny, or they want to make lesbians uncomfortable. Which I agree; that's shitty, and they shouldn't do that.

But I feel like most of the time, they do make it pretty clear they don't genuinely identify as a lesbian. People with complex or contradicting identities generally understand that their labels don't make a lot of sense at first glance, so they tend to offer a short explanation. They have no obligation to go on and on defending their right to exist, but a sentence or two is good and most people are totally willing to provide that.

I've had friends ask about me being both a trans man and a lesbian, and I've given a short explanation, and it works! Because they aren't assholes! The main one that comes to mind happened shortly after I told my best friend I was changing my name, and it went something like this.

Me, after seeing a pretty girl: Oh my god, I'm so gay for her. Friend: Do you still identify as gay? I thought you might want to be called straight now, since you're a trans guy. Me: I'm, like, both a man and a woman? So lesbian and straight man are both fine with me. Friend: Okay, cool. Let me know if you decide you don't want to be called lesbian anymore since I don't want to make you feel dysphoric.

And then that was it! It wasn't a big deal. With just a short conversation, I established that I was a lesbian man because I'm bigender and not because I'm just saying it for the lols.

I do understand the desire to stop cishet men from making lesbian jokes, but the thing is, there's no reliable way to do so that won't also end up harming some queer people. I mean, TERFs argue that trans women can't be lesbians because then what's to stop a straight man from invading the lesbian community by falsely claiming he's a trans woman, you know? But just because some people might abuse other queer peoples' genuine identity, doesn't mean no one can use that identity.

"They're Invading Lesbian Spaces"

Those against male lesbians are trying to stop men from invading lesbian spaces. While I agree that lesbian spaces should be for lesbians, and I think it's wrong for people to attend an all-lesbian support group or something if they know they're not a lesbian, I also know I can't stop them.

What are we supposed to do, go around forcing everyone there to prove they are a Real Actual Lesbian? Who decides what a Real Actual Lesbian is? How do we verify if people are telling the truth on the questions asked to prove Real Actual Lesbian? Keeping 100% of non lesbians out of lesbian spaces just isn't a feasible goal and it's not fair to make everyone prove their identity like that.

If someone in a lesbian safe space is causing any harm to others, they should be kicked out, but this applies even if they are a Real Actual Lesbian. Lesbians are perfectly capable of hurting other lesbians and being a lesbian doesn't give them a free pass to get out of consequences.

Male Lesbians Are Rapists

An extension of the "invading lesbian spaces" arguments is that lesbian men are forcing or pressuring lesbians to date or sleep with men.

However, lesbian men don't necessarily expect or even want other lesbians to be attracted to them. Lesbians don't have to be attracted to every other lesbian in the world! Sometimes, people don't find another person attractive, and that's fine. Sometimes, people are not attracted to a certain gender, and someone of that gender being a lesbian won't change that.

I'm not attracted to nonbinary people, and there are plenty of nonbinary lesbians, and I'm not attracted to them. Which is fine! Them being lesbians doesn't mean I have to be attracted to them, and me not being attracted to them doesn't make them not lesbians. Accepting someone as their identity doesn't mean you have to find them attractive.

I might be attracted to a lesbian and ask her out, and she might respond "Sorry, I'm not attracted to men and since you're bigender I wouldn't be comfortable sleeping with you."

What I would not say: "But I'm a lesbian! You accepted me into your lesbian safe space, which means you have to sleep with me. Checkmate."

What I would say: "I understand, have a nice day."

In the above scenario, if someone in that situation refused to accept that the lesbian woman wasn't attracted to them, that would be shitty no matter what. It would be shitty if that person was a male lesbian, and it would be shitty if that person was a cis woman. Because it is shitty to not respect people's boundaries.

This isn't something only lesbian men are capable of doing. Most lesbian men are perfectly respectful people who would not rape anyone, and if they do? They're shitty, but they're not shitty because they're a lesbian man. They're shitty because they're a rapist.

Claiming that someone would lie about their gender identity to rape people is entry-level transphobia. You cannot believe "male lesbians are just lying so they can rape lesbians" and then call yourself a trans ally. They are mutually exclusive.

Political Lesbianism

Finally, this argument is derived from TERF rhetoric. If you're not familiar with political lesbianism, it's a radical feminist ideology that can be summarized by "don't date or fuck men." Being a lesbian was a feminist choice that wasn't necessarily about attraction to women, but about not being involved with men. This sounds quite a lot like the common lesbian definition used against male lesbians; "non men loving non men." A major component of TERFism is trying to keep men (or those they believe to be men) away from women's/lesbian spaces, and including trans women doesn't change the fact that the ideologies stem from the exact same place. There have been anti male lesbian posts that genuinely sound exactly like a TERF wrote them, which is pretty telling. If you're violently against any men ever being lesbians, odds are you've been drinking the TERF juice, and you probably need to unpack that.

Conclusion

This is ridiculously long and I have been writing it for the last two and a half hours. I am very thankful and also kind of apologetic to anyone who just read every single word I vomited out.

Basically, even if you disagree with someone using both "man" and "lesbian" to label themself, I would recommend leaving them alone. They're describing their identity in the way that works best for them, and they're not hurting anyone. You don't need to like their identity, and you definitely don't need to understand it, but you do need to be respectful. It costs $0 to not be an asshole.

If you're considering telling a lesbian man their identity is invalid, take my advice and simply... don't do that. There are so many other things you could do with your time.

The queer community has a lot of problems. The world in general has even more problems. In the grand scheme of things, someone identifying as a male lesbian literally does not matter.

That's finally all, thanks for reading.

[bonefall]

I don't understand he/him lesbians, I'm friends with a few lesbians and they all say it's harmful to lesbians for someone who identifies as male to call themselves a lesbian, is this right? If you're not comfortable explaining that's ok! I just saw you answered an ask with it and I wanted someone else's opinion? I'm not too keyed in on sexuality and genders and stuff (I'm a bi cis woman) but I'm trying to learn more to be more considerate to the people around me and stuff

Hey, if you're reaching out and seeking advice on the topic, that is good for me!

I will not do this very often though just because I want this blog to be a place for funny battle cats and general celebrations of queerness, but for you, I will give you a brief rundown and some good links to further reading if you'd like to learn more.

So this sentence is aimed at everyone who is not this anon; my stance is not negotiable and the block button is my best friend. Do not use this post to argue. Thank you.

It is not correct that people who identify with masculinity cannot use the term lesbian.

Queerness isn't about rigid boxes and fitting ourselves into them, that's what we're supposed to be against!

Lesbians are people who identify in some way with femininity and have sapphic affections for other feminine people. I've met agender (no gender) lesbians, genderfluid (gender isn't rigid and shifts like liquid) lesbians, demigender (sort-of feels gender but not much) lesbians, multigender (identifies with multiple genders possibly including masculinity) lesbians, so on.

I have even known a transgender man who found the label better described his relationship to women than the term 'heterosexual.' When asked why, he described it as, "I don't love women the way other men do." Even though he was no longer a woman, he still felt a connection to femininity that he felt was best described as sapphic.

A person's relationship to gender can be a very complex and multifaceted thing. In fact this complexity is why I personally use the term genderqueer.

When a homophobic chucklefuck says, "Uhuhuh im a lesbian like u because i also like women what now" What they're doing is being disrespectful. That is what is harmful about that. They do not care that you say, "Ah, well, a lesbian is only women who like other women!" because now you've given them a foot in the door to shave women down into rigid boxes of femininity to fit stupid binary rules.

TERFs have used this in the past to divide our community. Our enemies do not care that our terms "make sense." They just want us gone.

Pronouns don't always equal gender.

Just like how I mentioned that there are masculine people who can identify in some part with femininity without being women, the same thing can happen with people who are women and feel a connection to masculinity, or something else entirely.

Lesbians using he/him pronouns goes back for decades, even centuries. Some would use these pronouns to pass as men (and may have been what we'd call transgender men with modern terms), while others feel a strange relationship to their assigned gender through their sexuality, and some simply prefer he/him.

He/him lesbians, they/them lesbians, xe/xir lesbians...

Discomfort is not the only reason to change your pronouns. Disconnect is not the only way we explore ourselves. Sometimes it's pleasure!

PLEASE GO READ

(CW: The following literature is intended for adults and discusses sexuality and queer history, including oppression, violence, racism, etc.)

Female Masculinity by Jack Halberstam Talks about the history of masculinity in the lesbian community. Important book. Please read.

Butch, Femme, Dyke, Or Lipstick, Aren't All Lesbians The Same?: An Exploration Of Labels And "Looks" Among Lesbians In The U.S. South, a thesis by Denielle Kerr While this one isn't about history, it's a really good introduction to the discussion in general since you specifically mentioned not knowing much about these issues. It touches on a bunch of popular queer theories in a way applicable to lesbians specifically, like performance theory, bodywork, intersectionality... Just follow the citations when you see something you'd like to know more about.

[coelii]

LESSGOO okay cause I have many questions

Okay, so, actively I go by they/them, on and off socials, though my family calls me sex-to-gender pronouns, so, I had a friend of mine call me the opposite of my STG pronouns, and I'm now realizing that I don't give a fuck(???) what people use for me(?????) Like, call me he, call me she, call me they, call me a neopronoun, I don't care(????) What does this mean for me??? I am so confused lol

(I asked this in a discord server too so if anyone is seeing this and being confused, that's why, but I got no answer there)

((Don't feel obligated to answer this lol))

Sounds genderqueer to me, possibly androgyne. It’s perfectly normal to just not have any strong opinions or attachment to pronouns or even gender really.

People will always make assumptions about you based on their own mental rubric for what makes you a man or woman or other in their mind (in fact it’s one of our evolutionary traits to try and identify sex/gender at a glance) so honestly being comfortable with any pronouns will be a benefit particularly if your gender expression is androgynous.

Just let people know you’re comfortable with anything and even if they don’t “get it” I’m sure it will help them feel less on edge about misgendering you if they know you’re kinda just cool with ‘whatevs’

also not to plug my own discord server or anything but anyone is welcome to join it (link is in my pinned post) and since there’s a forum section you’re more than welcome to ask for advice there too ♥︎

[bisexualpositivity]

I'm a teen, and I've only had crushes on guys before but recently I think I might have started crushing a little on my online friend, who is a trans girl. I'm sort of panicking about all this, the feelings as well as the real tangible possibility that I'm bi. I'm also worried I possibly, subconsciously see her as a guy, and that that's why I'm crushing on her. do online crushes even count? it's so confusing for me right now

Hey--I want to reassure you that you're not the only one wrestling with these thoughts, feelings and questions. One of the more wholesome stories on reddit tackles a similar issue, I'll link it here for you to read.

As someone who's genderqueer and on the aroace spectrum, I think I'm pretty qualified to say that attraction can be murky sometimes. I've met people who are initially attracted to a stranger, and then lose some or all of that attraction when they find out said stranger isn't one of the genders they'd be interested in dating. I've talked with people who thought they were 100% attracted to only one gender and then met someone of a different gender who completely changed the way they view their orientation. Hell, I know people whose preferences transcend labels entirely.

I also want to point out that there's a difference between finding traits we associate with masculinity (muscles, facial hair, lower pitched voices, etc.) or femininity (curves, long hair, higher pitched voices, etc.) attractive VS finding men or women attractive. A straight man might find himself admiring the elegance of the way a masculine-presenting individual walks, a straight woman might find a butch lesbian's biceps extremely attractive, vice versa for anyone of any sexuality that is more likely to exclude one or more genders. That doesn't invalidate the way they personally identify.

What I'm trying to say is, navigating the world of online crushes as a teen is difficult enough without the added pressure put on questioning people AND a young cis ally's concerns about navigating the transphobia and cissexism they've internalized.

While it's possible that some part of you does think of your friend as a guy, it's clear to me from your language that you're making a conscious effort to respect her identity and encourage others to do the same, and honestly? That matters more than any subconscious biases you might have.

So let me give you a reminder to help stave off those mean little wormy thoughts: you're not hurting anyone by trying to untangle your own identity--and any stereotypes you've been taught about "what makes someone a man/woman"--up in your head, or by reaching out for help and advice.

(I hope this doesn't sound condescending, but I'm genuinely proud of you for putting yourself out there and actively doing the work to make sure you're being kind to others. Please feel free to drop an ask in our inbox anytime 💜)