#this literally took me all day to write

[shadowed-yet-vibrant]

Today, our firm hosted a CLE about mental health and substance abuse in the legal profession. It was a well-done presentation, trying to fit the breadth of a decades-long systemic issue into a neat PowerPoint while keeping it at only one hour long (not .1 more or .1 less).

It feels like a pointless uphill battle. You're asked to make 2100 billed hours per year (or more). As a junior associate you need to achieve perfection - but you don't even know where the standard is, not yet, you're too new and you're trying your best. You're asked to attend non-billable CLEs and networking events and participate in bar associations and look ahead to business development and go out with your colleagues and socialize with clients in non-billable events and. and. and. You know who at the firm is an alcoholic - maybe you are too. You laugh at jokes about online gambling - you know the partner who gambled away his last paycheck, and he's laughing. You know who's filing for their third divorce. Who's about to lose the kids. Who missed their son's state-level championship game because they had a call with a prospective client (he won't forget, he'll never forget).

But they ask you to take care of your mental health (but you're chastised if you don't respond to the 1am email from the partner within 10 minutes). But they ask you to take care of your physical health (but there's a beer fridge in the break room). But they ask you to practice well-being (but they expect you on-call 24/7). But they tell you to get enough sleep (but the junior associate got less than an hour because of the partner's poor planning). But you need to look out for signs of mental health concerns in your peers (but you're also thinking about dying).

I could write a novel on this. Many attorneys have written similar ramblings, articles, studies, surveys, so I don't really need to. It's a problem. But there's been no real attempts at change. Sure, yes, there's awareness. But billable demands keep rising. So do standards in not just federal court, but state court. But you're at a firm that pays so well you'll endure whatever demands they put on you because that's just too damn good to lose. But you feel like shit every day. But- hey, well, the partner has been doing this for 45 years now. Why can't you?

[scoliosisgoblin]

Do you still draw YB content? What do you think of day 4?

yeah I still draw yb, majority of my stuff is yb rn. I just mainly draw a human version of him

I'm not a patron to the creators (I don't fw them) so I can't play the game and have to go off of videos and spoilers, so here's my thoughts so far (SPOILERS OFC):

- love the point and click style they're going for, I enjoy those games a lot so I am biased

- I'm a fan of Peter letting yn walk around and explore things at their own pace. when I'm in a new home or a friend's place, I often need to be left alone to allow myself to settle in and tend to feel smothered if someone's always over my shoulder when exploring etc (it also reminds me of when I got my cats and left them to wonder around on their own)

- what the fuck are windows 🙏🙏🙏

- apparently you both sleep together if you do the kind route??? WHAT WHY. I HATE THAT. PETER IS REALLY OUT OF CHARACTER FOR THAT 💀💀💀 I always thought of him as the type of guy to want his first time to be special tf was that?? (I'm also asexual so obv I'm not exactly looking forward to that type of stuff)

- I find it cute when Peter's working, autism be damned my boy can type!!!

- it's also super cute he gave us the bigger room and kept the small room for himself. also are all the stuff in our room stolen from us or did he buy the same/similar stuff?

- I love Rat, hope she gets more love and attention going on in the game 🙏🙏🙏

- also apparently you get to vaguely see files of pictures he took of you and he refuses to show it to you for some reason? or maybe that's not day 4? idek I hate that, Peter would show it off if anything

- the end of day 4, abusive route, I kinda like that? it's very interesting to me, how he'd do all that. I hate that he make yn nude but what the fuck am I supposed to do about it 🗿

Conclusion: lot of things to love, the writing is still something I'm not a fan of though

[seventh-district]

7am, eating cold leftover teriyaki stir-fry for breakfast and crying over blorbos

[lunar-wandering]

head hurty

[thetimelordbatgirl]

New school attendance rules (that are stupid as fuck) being published has me learning people didn't even know that the UK fines people for their kids not being in school unauthorized???

[chiyokoemilia]

almost done setting up my tumblr 🥹 soo excited to finally share more with the world 💙

[icewindandboringhorror]

Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...

[itischeese]

by surfacage on tumblr

YESSSSSSSSSS

[broke-on-books]

Days since last cried in class: 0

[lemongrablothbrok]

So yesterday, just shy of 36 years old, I finally listened to that "Welcome to the Black Parade" song, and now I get it. I get why it's a meme. That song is "slapping", or whatever it is the youngsters say these days.

[draigonboother]

It rained today. Outside the window, the rush of cars and wind and people running across streets yelling, the translucent darkness of the night seeping past the sliver of curtains. During the day, the air cold and crisp and gray: rain-slick pavement, rustling trees with darkened bark, wet leaves half-decomposed, mottled, pressed flat against the concrete. Strikingly beautiful, almost startling so. Has it always been this way, the groups of people laughing, their faces flushed with cold, the blooming flowers, the air fresh and languid and clean. Boots with shiny leather. Cold hands. Shoes soaked, hems damp, numb feet. Has it always been this way — the beauty of it all, of this, of everything. Red lights at dusk. Silvery puddles reflecting iridescent fragments of sky. During the day, the windows clear, misted over with raindrops: the pale light, the washed-out buildings, the dark outline of trees. The white sky, sunless. The glutinous wisps of skinny clouds. The sound of rain against glass. On the streets: girls in short leather skirts, their legs long and delicate and bare. Old women in puffy jackets. Children splashing in puddles. Don’t run, you’ll slip. Then: I told you to be careful! Blades of grass, thin, translucent like jade, bent and speckled with dew. Plastic cups of coffee half-drank, stippled with condensation. Labels completely soaked through, grayish with water, soft, the corners half-peeled and bunched into knots. How have I never noticed this before, the dark leaves like lace doilies, the coarse bark, the birds with glossy round eyes. Fluorescent lighting of the subway. Hard plastic seats. People hunched over their phones, screens smeared with fingerprints, jackets blotched with raindrops. Quick tapping fingers. Faces colorless in the light, pallid, some impassive, some laughing: eyes flickering, cheeks bunched up, teeth yellow and bared. Doors open: rush of wind, fading conversation, clouds of perfume. There’s no way he — I swear! Where do you want to get dinner? There’s a new place that just opened up down the street, I’ve always wanted to try —

Inside, hot water, yellow lights, mirror clouded over with steam. Silky soap swirling down the drain. Soft towel. Skin smooth, hot, dry. Clean clothes. Damp hair on cool sheets. Cold, filtered water dripping down my chin. The broad, almost plastic-looking leaves of my house plant, shiny and dark green. Streetlights outside, slightly blurred, softly shining red, orange, yellow. On my tablet: pictures of forests, knotted trees, sprawling fields of moss, everything bluish-green. Quiet, still. Books with thin, inky fonts, the g’s and d’s written just the way I like. Somehow gratifying everything is, this moment, perfect. Poems: tonight he is alive and in the north field with his mother, if the dog were alive he would be drowning, in the spring the rabbits will find it and build their nest inside. The living go on living, and the dead go on living with them. The rain seeps in the cracks, and the trunk falls to the ground, and the moss covers it. Nothing is wasted in nature or in love. Opened windows. Whirring of cars outside. Soon, the lights will be off and blankets will be drawn in and tomorrow will begin. Tomorrow: what it will bring, no one can say for sure. But today was beautiful, it was. It was.

[gingerbreadmonsters]

[melting into goo]

[sunshineacd]

seven sentence sunday

tagged by @reyesstrand @welcometololaland @alrightbuckaroo @rmd-writes thank you so much lovelies <3

TK’s breath catches when Carlos gently grabs his hand, effectively stopping him in his journey to the door.

“Stay.” He hears Carlos say in a soft tone and that single word sends a shiver down TK’s spine. He’s never been known to stay, it’s not within him. He’s known to pack up everything in his life and leaving at the first sign of roots being planted. But this situation is different, Austin is different, Carlos is different.  “Please, TK.”

TK turns to look at him then and Carlos’ gaze is filled with want and desire. None of this would end well, he knows it. It never does. Every relationship he has had since his first heartbreak has had a strict no feelings policy and he had been fine with that. But he feels a pull to Carlos, a need that he hasn’t felt in a long damn time.

“Screw it,” TK whispers before he drops Carlos’ hand, takes a step, and his fingers curl around the back of Carlos’ neck to pull him forwards —

tagging @reyescarlos and anyone else who would like to! <3 

[amee-racle-ofmyown]

Csptaineer art request 5. admiring them from afar

dear anon, I know you asked for art but I had intended these as writing prompts! however!! I may doodle something for this later anyway, because it's cute :3

and still, never do we tire of watching stars glow

head engineer mark x reader (the captain) | words: 877

For as long as you'd known him, he'd always had a certain look of awe about him when it came to space:

When you were kids, huddled up in blankets watching a documentary about The Solar System while you shared a bowl of cookies.

And as teens, laying side by side in the dry summer grass, gazing up at the stars dotting the sky, laughing and pointing out constellations and making up stories about what it would be like when you got to be among them. 

And as cadets, the first time you voyaged beyond Earth's atmosphere.

Now the Captain of a ship he'd built from the ground up, it took you by surprise when you looked up from your data tablet one day to see him gazing at you with that same look of wistfulness and wonder.

His expression lasted for the briefest moment before he registered that you'd seen him, eyes widening and cheeks flushing almost imperceptibly from this distance. He immediately averted his gaze to anywhere but yours, busying himself with whatever he could.

You let out an amused huff, an incredulous yet flattered smile tugging at the corners of your lips.

It was far from the first time you'd caught someone giving you a starstruck or near-mesmerised look, especially within your own crew. But for him to be the one staring like that? The same admiration and fascination that you'd seen in his eyes when he beheld an eclipse, or a meteor shower, or your new home planet, directed at you…? 

You couldn't deny the small flutter in your stomach, or your heartbeat slightly quickening its pace.

You brushed off the thought and continued working, but from then on you couldn't help but keep noticing the awe and longing when he looked at you, whether it be from across a room or in conversation. It made you wonder if this was a recent phenomenon, or if you had simply been blind to it for a long time.

It was one of those moments of catching his warm, starlit gaze in which you were caught off-guard once again.

You met his eyes with the same intensity once you realised he was watching you, raising your eyebrows slightly to get his attention. He looked embarrassed and a little taken aback, as he always did in such scenarios, and you could practically see the gears turning in his head as he decided whether or not to abandon ship. Instead, his mouth curved into a smile that crinkled his eyes with fondness, followed by a quick wink. 

Now it was your turn to look surprised. 

It's not that the gesture was out of character or that he couldn't be bold when he wanted to. You just hadn't expected it now.

Later, you found it in you to be direct.

‘What's with all the staring lately, Mark?’

His eyes widened at the question. It wasn't particularly like you to be so upfront about something like this.

You watched as your head engineer’s expression turned apologetic and a little guilty, like he'd been caught red-handed.

‘Uhh- I'm sorry. Am I in trouble, Captain?’

You giggled quietly. ‘Nah. I never said I minded, just wondering…’

He visibly relaxed at your response.

‘Oh, well in that case. To be honest, Cap, it's sorta hard to look away sometimes.’

You felt your face flush at this, but were given no pause to utter a reply even if you’d had the words; he continued quickly, as if just realising what he'd said aloud and in the same moment deciding to fully commit to speaking his mind, before he could let himself back out.

‘I just- I love seeing you doing your job, you look so happy and assured. And proud — of everyone you work with, proud that you're part of the team. You're always so willing to help out and listen to what everyone needs. And watching you take command of a situation- You just– you have this aura that screams that you belong here, this is what you were meant to do, and you have a positive effect on everybody around you. We're so lucky and grateful to have you as our Captain.’

And here you are, stunned into silence for a moment. 

He stands there, trying to gauge your reaction, a little flustered himself but steadfast in his confession.

You feel a little giddy, but take a breath to soothe your racing heart, finally composing yourself again as the smile you can no longer hold back paints your face.

‘Thank you, Mark. That's… that's really sweet.’

He grins. ‘Just being honest.’

‘And I feel exactly the same about you, by the way.’ 

He tilts his head in confusion.

‘Watching you in action, it's the same.’

You can see it in his eyes when it clicks.

‘Wait, Captain, are you saying you-’

‘Almost as much as you,’ you chuckle. ‘Except I don't get caught. You could definitely use some improvement in that area.’

He looks away, smile becoming sheepish, the tint on his cheeks you are sure matches yours from only moments ago. 

‘But… like I said,’ you speak up again, drawing his attention back to you. ‘I don't really mind. It is kinda cute seeing your reaction when I catch you.’

[love-songs-for-emma]

i was on zillow today, fantasizing about being able to live somewhere, when i came across the listing for my childhood home. it wasn't active/being sold, but it was on there with some pics of the interior. and my GOD. THEY MADE HER UGLY. THEY TOOK HER RUSTIC PUSSY OUT. WHAT THE FUCK

[mareenavee]

Double-speak Fic Writer's Tag Game!

This was started by the most esteemed @saltymaplesyrup and I was tagged by the corvid word sorcerer herself @paraparadigm for this! Thank you!

Here are the questions:

1) What do they say they want? (i.e., what are the desires they put out into the world and have no trouble admitting) 2) What do they think they want? (i.e., what are the desires they keep hidden and only admit to their closest loved ones) 3) What do they actually want? (i.e., what is something they subconsciously need, but either do not realize or cannot admit it)

Tagging @changelingsandothernonsense, @friend-of-giants, @saltymaplesyrup (yes in your own ask chain / tag game lol), @thequeenofthewinter, @ervona and since it's character based and I know your characters are loud about these things, if you feel up to it, @the-storytellers-seer!!

I'll be answering this for my three POV characters (Nyenna, Teldryn and Athis) in The World on Our Shoulders, below the cut! It's a long one.

Nyenna ☼

1) What do they say they want?

Nyenna says outwardly that she just wants to keep her loved ones safe, especially in the wake of her destiny sort of upending her life. She says she wants to be normal and have a comfortable, peaceful existence. She would have rather had all of this fate nonsense miss her. Ideally, she wouldn't have ever had to leave Valenwood on someone else's terms. If she chose to leave at all, it ideally wouldn't have been so permanent.

2) What do they think they want?

She wants very much to never have been chosen as this legendary being. She wants a version of her family that never existed -- an image clouded by nostalgia for times less chaotic. Her brother to be alive and by her side still. Her family to be whole. Her mother to not have scorned her every move. For things to not have gone so horribly sideways at every intersection of her journey. And of course she wishes she'd made different decisions, gone on to Solstheim first instead of settling.

She wants to be with Teldryn, but fears the implications of that. First, that she had no clear idea what love was or could be and second that she actually doesn't love Athis in the way that he deserves, even after having married him. She is so public at the point that she realizes these things. And there's stigma behind a lot of this. There's a certain nervousness about being talked about behind her back that never quite leaves her, no matter where she goes, likely stemming from years having to be as anonymous as possible for survival. There's expectations of her station. She holds a specific image no thanks to everyone else of what she's supposed to be and how she's supposed to proceed now with the weight of destiny on her shoulders. And again, it's all very public. She wishes it wasn't. She wants very much to be immune to it, and just let go of all her decisions prior to. She wants to never have rushed into anything just because it felt like safety. She didn't know who she was then. She'd never been, up until a certain point, allowed to be anybody at all. She didn't know what to want, really. And now she does.

3) What do they actually want?

What she really needs is to forgive herself. She carries a lot of blame and guilt in her. She blames herself for not being good enough, even when she was young. Even now when she's supposed to be this invincible hero. Even as a wife, there's certain situations she's blaming herself for. She's under the impression that no matter what she does, it's not right, imperfect, flawed. She needs very much to feel like she's a good person. She needs to be free of the expectations that others have placed on her at every life stage, and that she has so deeply internalized.

She needs to be supported and loved in a way that reminds her what she's capable of no matter what situation she finds herself in, because even with all the mistakes she actually is a good person. She is flawed, she is imperfect but it doesn't make her evil or worthless. I think she spent a lot of her life feeling that sort of worthlessness. The whole story we sort of see all the things destiny can take away from a person and that affects her worldview and really digs in to where she's already carrying these wounds. In the end, she really, really needs hope. Hope that what she's accomplished is enough. Hope that she can be forgiven for her wrongs. Hope that at the end of everything, she can finally, finally find some peace. Perhaps even the hope that she can consider herself worthy of peace.

Teldryn ☾✩

1) What do they say they want?

He has a bit of a boastful demeanor. It's clear he wants to be seen as this strong-willed, smooth, confident character. He's the sort that kind of goes after what he wants in a lot of ways, and as such is upon meeting Nyenna perceived to be this merciless flirt. I suppose he mostly is, but it's more of a veneer to try and convince himself he's not as broken as he knows he is after everything. A sort of persona, if you will, to try and convince himself he can be as he he once was regardless of the chaos that trailed out behind him now for a very long time. He wants to ignore it and just move forward, as he believes very much there's no point in dwelling because the past can't be changed. It's a point of contention with Nyenna, who constantly wishes the past was different than it is. It doesn't mean that the past doesn't affect him -- it does. But it does drive him to want to keep moving toward the next thing.

2) What do they think they want?

He wants very much to just exist without the nightmares his past causes him. He wants to work and travel and fight and not be dragged down by his own mistakes. He hadn't considered it before, but he wants to be with Nyenna actually, and not just for a minute before he moves on to the next thing. She gives him pause and understands him in a way nobody else even could due to the whole legendary hero situation. She somehow sees through the nonsense, as Geldis so lovingly calls it. Sees past the darkness and I suppose doesn't flinch away at the damage there considering she's got something of the same kind of fractures. It's not exactly logical, maybe. But he's never really been strictly logical.

I think he also very much wants to not feel like he's running from things anymore under the guise of being practical and goal oriented. As the story progresses, he loses more and more of his kind of paranoia about being recognized by people he doesn't personally recognize, which was a thing that was more or less keeping open the chapter he'd been through as the Nerevarine. More like because he'd done these things and felt so much guilt and shame surrounding all that had happened in the last few centuries almost as a direct result of his actions, he felt like he deserved to be a target. He deserved their anger and ire as Morrowind crumbled and he straight up didn't help, at least at first, as his title as Hortator would have suggested he should. And while he keeps it to himself, he just wants to be done with that chapter. To close the book entirely and let the world forget he even existed. He'd up until a certain point never even allowed himself to truly live. His purpose, if you could call it that, was about forgetting. He still wants to forget. He wants to focus his attention on something -- anything else other than everything trailing behind him. It's been a long road, and there's still more miles and miles to walk, but he's getting there.

3) What do they actually want?

Teldryn also needs to forgive himself. In a lot of ways his story echoes Nyenna's. Fate is a fickle thing, isn't it? In his case... well. He could not have known all that would occur as a result of his being manipulated by forces beyond his control. The Red Year was not his fault. This specific event led to his worst spiral, and even at rock bottom his friends pulled him back up, understanding that he couldn't have known things would go this way. They don't blame him. And the people who do vocally blame the Nerevarine for disappearing at such a critical moment in history were broken and hurt, and looking for anywhere to put their sorrow other than themselves. He believed them because it echoed his inner monologue of feeling purposeless and discarded after his quest.

Teldryn needs to allow himself to be loved, as well. For who he is underneath the shadows. For his strength in trying to get his life back together, even when things seemed beyond bleak. For how much he truly accomplished over his lifetime -- he was Twin Lamps back then, for one thing. He did stop the blight and save his people from Corprus and the will of Dagoth-Ur. He did, after the intervention of his friends, help with the relief efforts in Solstheim. He does protect people who need to be protected, even if he claims he's just a sellsword.

Deep down he has felt for a long, long time that he's not worthy of love or that he's not the kind of person who should be loved. That he'd done too much and gone too far off the deep end to ever come back. That if he feels love at all, the other person will surely see some kind of monster and leave him and it wouldn't be worth the heartache. That he's better off alone. Nyenna doesn't buy it -- not the mask of confidence and swagger and not this underlying deep self loathing. She understands the chaos and guilt in a very clear parallel sort of way and while it haunts her, too, she just wants to be considered good in the end. He can actually see the good in her shine through, even when she herself can't find it. He can see her best intentions even when she makes the wrong choices. And in turn he does start to believe when she convinces him what he is capable of. (Boy is it hard to skirt around spoilers in this paragraph lol)

Athis ⚔︎

1) What do they say they want?

Athis just wants to live a normal life with a normal job using skills he's already good at. In a way his arrival to Whiterun is kind of similar to Nyenna's, but he was running from different enemies and they couldn't keep chasing him over the border. He wants his wife to be home when he is. He wants to feel comfortable and happy. He wants to keep believing he's in his own version of success. That he's accomplished everything he'd set out to do, and even found a bit more than he thought he might. He wants to believe he found peace already, and wants to be able to enjoy that with his family and friends. If he's already settled down, he wants a proper family, because why not? He didn't grow up with the notion he could ever have these things and now he believes he can.

2) What do they think they want?

Peace and calm are the front of Athis's mind, always. He's not a rock-the-boat kind of person. More like if it's not broken, don't fix it. OR if it is broken, pretend that it isn't until it falls apart and one can't ignore it anymore. He wants to be able to say all kinds of things but feels like he can't or that it would directly conflict with peace and calm that he's already convinced he's found.

So when Nyenna runs away and leaves him behind, he wants to believe it's solely because she wants to keep him safe. And he knows this want. He wants her to be safe, too. He wants to believe the he is the person to keep her safe, but truth be told -- being an inch from death due to a dragon attack has sort of shaken up his self image. He wants very much to ask the Gods why he wasn't chosen as the Dragonborn and why it had to be the love of his life instead.

He wants to feel less stuck, I think, as he realizes pretty slowly that maybe he isn't living up the image he has of himself in his head. He can't keep up because he's convinced himself he's already as good as he's going to be. He's already come so far, how much further can he really go? He had been an everyday sort of hero for so long without really having to work that hard about it before and he wants that to still be enough. He wants to be Nyenna's hero again, because he believes this is the only reason why she chose him to begin with. He wants to be able to communicate this with her, but doesn't know how to approach the subject in a way that isn't accusatory or in a way that piles more responsibility onto her shoulders.

He wants to salvage their relationship and make up for all the times he didn't give up his peace, didn't run after her and didn't have her back. He wants to fill in the cracks created under the weight of her destiny. He wants things to go back to how they were, this image he has of them that portrays a dynamic that no longer exists.

He wants to believe that she loved him as much as he loves her. Because he does still love her, even after all the pain inflicted on him over the course of things. He wants to figure out how to be the kind of person worthy of her but doesn't know where to begin. He wants her to tell him where to begin. He wants her to come home and remind him he's needed and wanted and things will be just fine. He wants her not to forget about him. He wants the girl she used to be before to come back through the door to their home. He wants time to turn back so he could relive all the happiest moments he can remember, all of which she was there for. He hasn't been able to find much of that recently without her.

3) What do they actually want?

What he truly, truly needs is to believe in himself. He is capable of so much more than he gives himself credit for. He is the only thing standing in his way. It's not about Nyenna, it's not about being a hero or a failure, it's about rising to the challenge. Because at the end of the day, what would it be if not a challenge to keep up with a legendary hero? The truth is he doesn't believe in himself, and probably never has due to his background -- and he really needs a sort of mindset shift to see beyond that. He sort of convinced himself already that he's not good enough and seeks a kind of validation elsewhere. He has a codependent nature, even though he's spent a lot of effort trying to pretend he's fine on his own. In the Companions, though, he was never alone. He always had his friends around. When he met Nyenna, and showed him compassion he'd heretofore lacked, he clung to it. (and really so did she which didn't help.) He does need to realize that he's strong enough to stand on his own two feet.

He needs to listen, as well, truly listen. He hears what he wants to hear, and because communication is honestly difficult, he doesn't look beyond or read between the lines. He needs to understand that apathy is not the same as accepting things that are immutable. As the poem goes, more or less, he needs to change the things he can and let go of the rest. Apathy is the enemy to progress. He'd been on pause for so long that he didn't realize there was more he could be doing. Didn't realize he could be a solution to some problems, especially with the double blow to his confidence the dragon and Nyenna's leaving gave him. He needs to be willing to try to salvage something instead of waiting for someone else to direct him where to go.

And last, he needs to let go of the past. Of the image we mentioned above regarding things that have changed so drastically. He needs to let go of the horrors of his own past before Nyenna, before even coming to Whiterun. He needs to understand that certain things cannot be changed -- like Nyenna's destiny or the new person she's become since walking into her power. That it's not a personal failure of his if things don't remain stable and calm. That there is a way to move forward again. That he gets to decide who he is with or without her and it's not up to anyone else. That it's never been up to anyone else. That he is enough, after all.