#this isn't my most favourite work but i dont want to think about it anymore

[ivys-garden]

Alright, I'm going to write my own thoughts down on the situation, sorry if this gets rambly

First of all, Shubble is so brave for speaking up, it's really hard for victims to speak up against there abusers in a public setting and she deserves all the respect in the world for it

That being said we do need to be mindful to give her space, this was a really traumatic thing for her and we all need to be mindful of that, give her room to breath.

On the same lines, don't go after other ccs for not ""releasing statements"", content creators aren't companies, there people. Don't get on at them for not publicly supporting Shubble, especially since there undoubtedly doing it in private, which is probably better than shoving it out there for millions of people to see. Let people support there friend in a way they and shubble are confortable with, if shubble wants them to say something or they think they need to say something themselves, they will say it.

It's like Pearl said, just because you don't see something happening publicly doesn't mean it isn't happening

Also, don't jump to call Tommy or Phil or Grian or anyone else enablers because they haven't said anything, they'll need time to process this too, it's hard to find out that your friend is a domestic abuser, let them process this in piece and don't try to cancel them over nothing like a fool. (People like Tommy will need time especially since Wilbur befriended them when they were young and by all accounts manipulated them too)

If anyone of these people have anything they feel they need to say they'll say it when there good and ready, good life tip folks:Don't Harass People. Especially if they have almost nothing to do with this (honestly Saw someone say they were going to go on to fucking RT about this despite him not knowing either person very well, the fuck)

I know why people do it, they want to make sure there favourite content creators aren't also bad, but they are people and they deserve respect, I can garentee you that almost no Qsmp or Hermitcraft or Other MCYT member who knew him stands with Wilbur

(Also if anyone brings Techno into this fuck right off let the man rest.)

Also, some brain dead morons are saying that people calling out wilbur are doing it for clout and that they should have done it sooner, but most of the abuse happened in private, and wilbur manipulated others, many wouldn't have realised anything was wrong and if they did its still better and more respectful to come forward after shubble since its HER story to tell.

(This attack also doesn't work anymore because we have things like tubbos stream, where he actively discourages his chat from treating him like a hero for speaking out, but yeah sure they all don't give a shit about shubble and just want to make themselves look better, fuck outta here)

Now, if your a former wilbur fan, let me make this super clear

DONT WATCH HIM AND DONT LISTEN TO HIS MUSIC

"BuT SePuRaTe ThE ArT FrOm ThE Arti-

Nah. That doesn't work here. You can separate a book or game or movie, you can't with a cc. Its there face, there voice, there personality. Find a different band, find a different CC to watch. There are other options, I know it sucks to find out someone you like did an awful thing,but that doesn't mean we should support those people for our sakes, especially when people were actively hurt by there actions. Trust me everyone, this will get better, things will go back to how they were before

Finally, this should go without saying, Fuck William Gold to the core of teh fucking earth. And any who still support him.

He is a raging egotistical manipulator and abuser. don't blame people for not seeing it sooner, no one can do that. What we can do though is blame people who still wholeheartedly support him and his actions.

He has not "changed" nor will he ever at the rate at which he's going. He's still a egomaniac who's more concerned with saving his image than actually apologising for his actions, even then an apology wouldn't fix all he's done,it would just be closer and a jumping off point to be better, but he can't even fucking do that.

If wilbur does reflect and grow, good on him, but if he doesn't then I can say with absolute certainty we wouldn't fucking miss him.

Fuck Wilbur. Support Shelbym

[sunwarmed-ash]

Tag games-Ask a fic writer

thanks @lizzy0305!!!!!

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

102 😉(make sure to log in to see all fics)

2. What fandoms do you write for?

Actively- Detroit: Become Human, Stranger Things, House MD, Twilight, Spiderverses/MCU, Harry Potter, Ted Lasso, New Girl, White Collar Not as actively anymore- The Breakfast Club, Sherlock, Supernatural, Hannibal, True Detective, The Office

3. Top five fics by kudos:

Tony Stark: Billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, Daddy (MCU) I think I need Help (ST) Call Me Doctor (House MD) Separation Anxiety (Spiderverses/Venom) You know what they say about assuming (ST)

4. What’s your total ao3 word count?

906,937😈

5. Do you respond to comments?

Nice ones! As soon as I can

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

dual suicides probs the most angsty ending I've ever written(spn)

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Love me or hate me I just dont care(ST) this one based on how it started out

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Only when I write consensual sex work, its the damnedest thing

9. Do you write smut?

Most of the time ✌️

10. Craziest crossover?

Idk, I have a supernatural/Breakfast club crossover

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

by bots yeah

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! but I think the russian ficbook site got killed :(

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Many! its how I got my start and I want to do it more

14. All time favourite ship?

404. I'm bisexual, nonbinary and polyamorous, can't answer this one

15. What’s a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

hhahahahhahahahah I'll never tell

16. What are your writing strengths?

Characterization, dialogue, smut, angst

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

world building, grammar, spelling, tenses

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I love it! It grinds my gears when the translation isn't at the end of the fic though haha then my brain won't let me continue reading until I translate it

19. First fandom you wrote in?

Across the universe, but the first I ever posted to fanfic/ao3 was my Harry Potter fic Certainly Professor

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

oh man, all of them! I put a little bit of myself in every one!

Though I am particularly proud of how The Eden Club(DBH) and Vain for my blood(ST) turned out!

Tagging: @sweeteatercat @disdaidal @p3ski @advictoriams @heiko-goes-detroit @meiko333 @raouelle @fluent-in-lesbianism @negative-citadel @writerwhowritesao3 @connorboyyy @ihni @kissoflightning @moviemuncherao3 @tradedsymmetry @treeffles @irishbeings @eevylynn @thediktatortot @strangebrainrot @spaceofentropy @criminalizeheterosexuality @geekinglikeaboss @malware-wolf @destroya2005

[asireadiwrite]

my favourite conversations are the ones with no real answers.

No one is exclusively bad, nor is anyone exclusively good. some are just forced to work harder at suppressing the bad.

I'm not sure I want a reminder of someone I'll never see again.

But I did notice he laughed at all the right times. I think good comedic timing is one of the most important things about a person's personality.

Not everyone is homeless because they choose to be. They're homeless because there isn't enough help to go around. And people like my father are the problem. Instead of helping others, people use the worst-case scenarios to excuse their own selfishness and greed. (I don't agree with this point 100%, only the last part)

I dint want to remember him. if I had to remember him, it would mean he wasn't a part of my life anymore.

But no matter how different the substance of a love might be at different ages in a person's life, I know that love still has to weigh the same. You feel the weight on your shoulders and in your stomach and on your heart no matter how old you are.

I can't even remember what all we talked about, but I do remember how I felt.

"I hope you never know what it's like to feel that lonely, Lily," he said.

"Lily. Life is a funny thing. We only get so many years to live it, so we have to do everything we can to make sure those years are as full as they can be. We shouldn't waste time on things that might happen someday, or maybe even never."

People spend so much time wondering why the women dont leave. Where are all the people who wonder why the men are even abusive? isn't that where the only blame should be placed?

"I'm going to make a promise to you," he said. "When my life is good enough for you to be a part of it, I'll come find you. But I don't want you to wait around for me, because that might never happen."

Maybe love isnt something that comes full circle. It just ebbs and flows, in and out, just like the people in our lives.

From the Epilogue

"There is no such thing as bad people. We are all just people who do bad things."

And last but not least, to my damned ol' daddy, Eddie. You aren't here to see this book come to life, but I know you would have been its biggest supporter. You taught me many things in life-the greatest being that we don't have to end up the same person we once were. I promise not to remember you based on your worst days. I will remember you based on the best, and there were many. I will remember you as a person who was able to overcome what many cannot. Thank you for becoming one of my closest friends. And thank you for supporting me on my wedding day in a way that many fathers would not have. I love you. I miss you.

My own reflections :

Atlas 

My biggest takeaway from reading this was it makes me yearn to find my Atlas. He was sweet, understanding, and patient in his love. Albeit a little low in self-esteem, though understandably so given his background. But he was never pushy, never begrudging to the world or the people around him, and that's what I appreciate most. He repays love with even more love. Because of what he went through, it only made him want to be a bigger person, not worse. The number of people who can do that in my life is less than one hand. Even I struggle to do so. And I truly appreciate how steadfast his love for Lily was because I yearn for that myself. I wished he would have been more determined in finding Lily all those years ago, and have more confidence in providing Lily with a loving relationship. Because I think what Lily wanted from him was just him. Not successful Atlas, or rich Atlas, but rather the Atlas that she handed food to when she was fifteen and he was still living in that barren house. The Atlas that gave her his fullest companionship silently. 

Atlas and Lily.

From Atlas and Lily, I learned the importance of always speaking your mind. Because the things we leave unsaid always become our biggest regrets. We often think from our point of view what the best thing for the other person should or could be. But is it truly so? 

The myriad of differences between people - our emotions, thought processes, experience, upbringing - will inevitably affect how we process certain information and the decisions we will make when faced with the same option. The decisions we make are based on our understanding and capabilities, and it does not make one decision more 'right' than the other.

Ryle and Lily

When I first read how Ryle hurt Lily, it did seem like an accident - he had no intention to do so, and he immediately & profusely apologized. 

But I came to realize that the things that hurt us most are accidental ones. Our guards are down because we never see them coming. We never expect it to happen to us out of all people. Thus, the damage is always greater, and the hurt is always more lasting. And then it becomes a slippery slope. Because of its incidental nature, we would mutter to ourselves: "It's alright. It's an out-of-pattern incident, and it will never happen again." We convince ourselves, we forgive, we try to move on and accept them back." The second time such incidents happen, we will feel like we are already in a sunken investment. Because we forgave them once, what's one more? Besides, they did seek our forgiveness, and there's always some logical reasoning we can find to ease off the worry and fear. And that's when the whole tragedy unfolds. I say tragedy because 10 out of 10 times, this is the start of an unbreakable pattern of behavior, and it always leads to an unfortunate ending.

So trust our gut when we feel something is off. Do not use logic to try and reason it out because our logic is only useful when we can objectively analyze a situation. In the case of abuse, victims can never do so. Do not depend on others to save you, because there might not always be an Atlas in your life to do so. The hardest chain of abuse to break is the one on your mind and heart. You need to see for yourself that you do not deserve to be treated like such, and that yielding will not change the course of events. If you're unwilling, being physically freed will do you no good when you're still chained to that terrible past mentally. 

Most importantly, you have to be your saving grace because most abuse happens beyond closed doors, and it sometimes never takes physical form. So how can someone on the outside know to save you when they can't see the signs? 

Hopefully, more women (or men) will be brave like Lily and save themselves from a vicious cycle like such. Because it makes me hopeful that my mother can too. 

#saveyourself #domesticabuse

[plantaffinity]

i would love to take you up on that offer, so if you don't mind me describing it... unfortunately all ive got access to is a north facing window right now, but i've also jury rigged a plant light from an old desk lamp, so i think in general i have low light? short in height i think, since i've got one window shelf and the space above + below. less than stature or pretty flowers im looking for things that put out a lot of leaves, since i miss the feeling of a garden. i dont mind if it has trailing bits like spider plants do, but a big thing i do need is nontoxic to cats if it takes a little bite before i can train it off that... so, low light, short, leafy, and pet friendly? if thats not too much to work with lol. tyyy 💕

I know very little about cats and what's toxic to them, but it should be fairly easy for you to research once you've found a plant you like!

From what you described I have very good news for you and that's Peperomia!!!

First off I did a very quick google search and found out they're most likely safe for cats, not only that but they're also not the type of plant a cat usually likes to bite, but please look into it more yourself as I don't know my way around cat information.

There are many types of peperomias (they're my favourite). We have the standard Peperomia Obtusifolia that had big round-ish thick leaves, and it grows horizontally unless you prop it up, can have completely green levaes or leaves with yellow splashes.

There's several types of Peperomia that look pretty much like obtusifolia except with different colours, one has a pink rim and white/yellow splashes, another is dark green with a reddish rim.

There's Peperomia argyreia that grows even shorter and has round leaves that are green with silver stripes that actually glitter.

We have Peperomia hope, a trailing peperomia with small-ish round thick leaves.

We have the string of turtles, another trailing peperomia with really small round fat leaves

There's a ton of peperomias that grow similar to the argyreia, except they have different leaves, some have crinkled leaves and some have pointy leaves.

We also have peperomia dolabriformis and other similar ones that look like little trees.

Peperomias are like succulents, they want to dry out completely between thorough waterings, but not for too long, as they have thin roots that may be harmed by too much drought, this isn't a problem unless they get overwatered in combination with it. They have shallow root systems so they prefer shallow and wide pots. Peperomias prefer to be in a place that's light, like a window, but they generally don't want direct sunlight, so a window that isn't in the sun all the time is perfect! Just remember that if it's really shady the soil will dry up slower. They're a perfect beginner plant since they can withstand sun, shade, a lot of water and very little water, they're pretty hardy. If you've ever had a Crassula before, these plants are kinda similar in care to those. By the way, crassulas are also worth looking into, though they grow more like trees so they might be taller than you want.

As a general rule, the thicker a peperomias leaves and stems are, the more they can dry out between waterings, so something like a watermelon peperomia (peperomia argyreia) may need a little more care than a peperomia hope.

I hope you like any of these suggestions and definitely look into more peperomias, I absolutely love them but I have been cursed by the peperomia gods so I can't have them anymore. There are more "leafy" plants that grow kind of short but they're more finicky and not really beginner plants. Though I did see that there are peace lilys that are bred to be shorter and smaller, I've never had one so I can't guarantee it won't grow big but peace lilies are definitely also good as beginner plants that are more leafy and garden-y

[xiaoxiongmaos]

heyo !! oh there's nothing to apologise for ! dont worry at all~ holidays have started, im looking forward to the free time lol :] i hope you get to relax soon enough!!

to answer your questions: i LOVE back for more and skipping stones <3 deep down is up there as well !! i love your choices too but if we're being honest freefall has little to no skips >_< i agree though the mv was slightly underwhelming but oh well! also YOURE SO RIGHTT beomgyu is so kuromi…hyuka pompomurin…omg

my favourite thing about yeonjun? hm i really like how easygoing he is!! i like that he's playful but is also responsible and kind. he's so dedicated to what he does and i admire that so so much~ i associate rnb with him as well as beaches, experimental fashion, night city life and like. cool people things i guess LOL

i really love lovesong. truly one of their best everrrr also i really hope they do more of the rock concept <3

thank you for taking the time to answer my questions, i know they weren't particularly interesting but i have an idea of what to do for your present ! happy holidays and see you on the other side~ one last question for you: is there anything that beomgyu has done or said that has stuck with you? anything that is the reason for you having a fondness for him? (this is so much...)

— 🎅

ah, thank you so much anonnie 🥹🤍 hope you're well!

i think today's my first fully free day haha spent last night catching up with irls because oml the workload uni and society work throws onto your shoulders <|3 thank you so much for dropping by, i hope we continue to stay in touch after this event ends hehe i really feel strange not having gotten to know both the people i'm paired with this time around ;;

yeah, i agree! listening to the album as a whole, especially in chronological order is the experience of all time™️ sodkdkfj and i agree with all you used to describe his vibe: yeonjun is so cool yet such a comfort person. i absolutely adore reading his weverse responses to moas! plus, every time i see a slightly questionable piece of clothing, i immediately imagine how cool it would look on yeonjun, he can legit pull anything off hehe

yes! i'm such a lyrics > melody > vocals person but lovesong is just. a lyrical masterpiece :o i think all of their songs are some of the best in the industry lyrics-wise. still, i love how some like eternally, lovesong, runaway, fairy of shampoo, farewell neverland, etc., carry the vibe and meaning so well through the wording!

'depression is nothing to be ashamed of. please don’t bury yourself in negative thoughts before going to sleep. think of the moments of happiness. give yourself, who has worked hard for the day, a pat on the back.' i remember 2019 was one of the most challenging years of my life, mentally and emotionally, and it really impacted my friendships; everyone around me seemed to be doing fine, which is what would make me feel embarrassed every time i'd feel the sadness creeping up and would swallow that pit of despair around people, not really letting anyone know how much i was struggling to even show up because 'how could i? would they not want to be my friend anymore because the strong xixi they're friends with isn't that strong after all?' thoughts like that would just float over my head all day. i used to feel like an imposter in my own body, hearing words from people complimenting my strong-headedness and thinking that i was fooling them when, in reality, that strong person was not who i was. though it's really far back now, i remember reading that for the first time and feeling so comforted. it pushed me to establish space for myself on the days i'm feeling low and be transparent about my thoughts and worries instead of bottling it all up haha i think that's also a reason why i adore runaway the most; its lyrics legit resonated with me so much :')

oh, no worries at all! i quite liked your questions and, once more, would love to get to know you out of this event too~ happy holidays, i truly hope you enjoy them to the fullest ♡

[angelguk]

i know i said i was done writing bb!couple but hey namjoon big. that’s it. that’s the tweet. anyway this before oc gets pregnant for the second time (so right after easy like sunday morning). i also haven’t written a smut scene in a long time so sorry if im rusty. basically namjoon just wants to make his wife feel good. slight pussy sniffing and a lot of oral sex (f receiving). namjoons dick is still big. joon luvs his wife :) 1.5k

You think there are tears in your eyes. It's hard to stay mute, little tremors quaking through your body every time Namjoon laves his wide tongue against your folds, licking deep like he's starving. Maybe he's spurred on by the little whimpers that drift from your lips, body quivering when his tongue slips into your needy hole.

"Namjoon - angh!" It's there already, the heat in your gut making your whole body burn as your nerves tingle. He hums and you know he's smiling as he swirls your slick around your slit, dragging his tongue right back up to your swollen clit. "Ffffffuck! Namjoon! It's t-too much!"

He's got a big firm hand pinning your twitching thighs down, leaving you pliant to his whims as his mouth ravages you. Your breathing is laboured, your gut twisting when he latches his mouth around the sensitive bud and flicks it the way he knows drives you crazy. It doesn't help that you've already cum twice now, curtsy of your husband's eager mouth and hands. But he's not letting you up now, and your face is hot with the over-stimulation, tears slipping down your cheeks.

"Too much?" He mumbles against you soaked cunt, finally giving you a much welcomed breather. There's a thumb gingerly stroking along your inner thigh, his nose pressed against the apex of your pussy.

You nod, incoherent because your tongue is numb in your mouth, chest heaving when he digs his nose in further, breathing you in with a satisfied groan. 

"Hey, look at me for a moment." You glance down to find Namjoon watching at you with intent, brown eyes glazed as he drinks in your shaking bare body, skin glistening with sweat. He does it unexpectedly, a quick press of his lips against your cunt that sends a jolt through your system. "Sorry - fuck. You just taste really nice." There's a laugh leaving his wet lips that makes your heart tick in your chest. A small part of you explodes at that confession, the fire instead your belly expanding and consuming you instantly.

"Don't - don't say that. And stop smelling me too. You're making me feel insecure," You retort, propping yourself up on your elbows so that you can look at your husband. His hair is dishevelled, ash-blonde locks ruffled from your hands incessantly running through them. It's a rare image, one that had been scarce since Eunha had joined the world. From this angle you can see the rough scars marking your skin, large wells you despairingly want to cover up. Namjoon must note the drop in your mood because he drifts up to your stomach, peppering tender kisses along the skin a determination in the simple action.

"How can I not when you taste and smell so fucking good?" He questions in between imprinting his warm mouth all over your body. "I don't think you know how hard I am right now." He glances up at that, eyes warm with affection, but you don't miss the desire behind the intensity of his stare.

The comment makes your toes curl, the coil in your gut tightening sharply from the adoration you feel. There's an abrupt burst of confidence in your chest. " Show me then."

Namjoon quirks an eyebrow, promptly shucking off the sweats he'd donned for your day off from parenting - which had hastily turned to Namjoon nestling his face between your thighs. This was only your second time dipping back into the sexual aspect of your relationship, Namjoon heeding your request to take things slow. But today he'd insisted on seeing you cum, as if he would die if you didn't fall apart underneath him at that very moment. You'd given into his demanding mouth twice already, thighs still quivering from the memory of those orgasms. You have a sneaky suspicion that Namjoon will aim for a third if you let him. You know without a doubt you will.

And even though letting Namjoon take you apart with his mouth is everything you've ever wanted, you also feel bad for neglecting him. You haven't touched Namjoon since you started repairing your confidence in the bedroom. He's been so patient, making you cum on his tongue over and over again and then pleasing himself while you blacked out on the bed. But today you want to see him come too - however he wants to.

He's achingly hard, cock red and wet with precum. It's still incredibly thick and long, the sight alone making your walls tingle with the memory of his length stretching you out. Namjoon gauges your reaction carefully, missing the slick gushing out of your cunt when he takes himself in his hands and strokes, firm and quick along his length. Your mouth falls open absentmindedly, the back of your throat aching for him to press himself there.

"This okay?" Namjoon questions, shifting so that he's right in between your spread legs, cock hard and eager for your cunt. There's a genuine throbbing down there that matches the beat of your heart, cunt just as willing to give him what he wants.

"Yes," You croak out, walls tensing desperately around nothing.

He smiles gently, stroking himself at a steady pace, a tiny uptick in his breathing causing your head to spin.

"Can you - can you just grind into me? Don't put it in but you can grind against me." Namjoon nods eagerly, hands dropping from his length and his cheeks flushed as he cups the back of thighs to spread you further apart. The first press of his cock against your dripping folds has both of your groaning, the air heavy with your joint sighs.

"Fuck! You're so wet - baby - fuck. This dripping pussy is all mine, isn't it? Hngh!" His hips piston against yours, thick length spreading your lips against to make room for him. The veins running along his cock rub directly against your clit, sharp tingles smarting through your system with every intended thrust of his. Namjoon breathing heavy into your shoulder, the thick head of his cock gingerly digging into the apex of your cunt, leaking cum all over your pussy. You can't even complain, thighs shaking with every spurt of cum your feel dribbling from the head and coating your folds. It's oddly filthy and there's already a telltale tension inside your tummy, the tight coil sitting there threatening to snap. Namjoon knows when you're close because you start to squeak, a sound that makes him harder than he possibly should be, his balls tight with a load he wishes he was coating your walls with. But this is also really good, the folds of your cunts wrapping gently around his length, leaving him dripping with your arousal. He wants you to cum so bad, a primal need in his gut driving his hips forward. "Are you gonna cum on my cock? Can you do that for me? Hmm?" 

You're squirming underneath him, twisting your pretty pussy right into his rigid dick. He forces himself to not dip his hips downwards. He does know it would be so easy to sink into your pliant pussy like this, feel your walls clinging on his cock as he coaxes another orgasm out of your strung body. Your hands pawing at his back keep him in check. And the helpless soft panting against his ear makes his body melt into your own. He knows he can cum like this. It's not even a question, given how dangerously his stomach caves when the tip of his cock nudges against your clit and you keen. A tiny sound that drives his hips harder into your own.

"Joon - ah!" Your nails are digging harshly into his back, the pressure forcing a faint groan from his mouth. He bites back the remarks he aches to say, hands squeezing at your plush thighs with the intent of leaving a mark. The room is absent of words, filled only with the sound of your squelching cunt and your shared heavy moans as he grinds his cock against you. It drives him crazy, how wet you are, slick coating his dick every time he drags it along your folds.

When he finally parts his face from the hollow of your neck, mouth pressing light kisses on your cheek, he instantly decides he'd rather taste you on his lips if he can't feel you cum around his cock.

You're bewildered when Namjoon draws away, immediately missing the press of his body on yours.

"Wanna taste you," He mumbles, sliding back down your body, eyes dark when they land on your dripping hole.

"Again?" You're not complaining, but it would have been nice to see Namjoon cum.

"Mhm. Is this okay?" Namjoon glances up, waiting patiently for your response, breath hot against your cunt.

You nod, a sharp tremor wrecking through your body when he presses his tongue flat onto your folds. You focus on that for now, how Namjoon toys with your slick, circling your sensitive clit with care, groaning deep into you when your keen at the feeling of his mouth taking you apart. There will always be another chance for you to see Namjoon cum. You’ll make sure there’ll be another chance.

[caffinateef-studyblr]

25th July, 2021 4:50 p. m.

🌆 Today's tasks

revise GOC

revise isomerism

look through the p-block notes

🎧: Undertale Soundtrack - Toby Fox

19th July - Do you stay indoors or outdoors more in the summer?

indoors. definitely indoors. mostly because one, outdoors gets too hot and unbearable and two, because i honestly don't really have people i can hang out with because most of my friends live far away so yeah- also i just generally don't like leaving my house much.

20th July - Are you a ‘summer person’? kinda?? but honestly not really. i prefer the cold more.

21st July - What is an unpopular opinion that you have about summer? hmm i dont think i have any 'unpopular opinions' per se? not that i can remember??

22nd July - What does summer feel like where you live? right now where i am, summer (like may-august) its like kinda warm in may and around the end of may it starts raining and getting colder and right now its like kinda cool and like you can wear a nice hoodie/sweater kinda weather. also if you get cold quick, it would be really cold for you. and it also rains a lot. it rained the whole day yesterday. that was nice.

23rd July - Would you prefer summer to be hotter or colder than it usually is for you? honestly i love how it is rn, but if i wanted like actual summer i'd say it would be nice if it got hotter lmao because 'summer' literally lasts for like hardly a week or two dsjfdls

24th July - Would you prefer your summer to be shorter or longer? longerrrr. honestly, at this point, we don't even really have summer anymore. last year i had like a week of an actual summer break and even in that I had a heck ton of homework and this year summer is more of a limbo because like college entrance exams lmao. so yeah, I'd like longer summers or a little vacation at least

25th July - Daytime or nighttime – what’s your favourite time during summer? night time!!!!! mostly because it gets really comfy for sleeping!! which i honestly haven't been doing a lot of!!! like it sure gets comfy but then its like one of the few times when i can chill out without really having to worry about stuff dsdkfj so i end up procrastinating on sleep a lot

aaaaa okay so the results for that architecture exam came out and I did fine. unfortunately fine isn't really gonna cut it for me to get into one of the top colleges. like there's one that's on like rank 12 in the overall architecture colleges but the thing is, that its costly as FUCK and jdhks i don't really want that-

so I'm gonna have to buckle up and prep for the other architecture exam which is gonna be in like around a month from now. I've got the edge on the other people giving the exam with the drawing part and the general/architectural aptitude part, but math is where I can actually boost my ranks up.

last time i'd gotten a 96.something percentile and to get into the better colleges I'm gonna need at least a 99. so yeah. gotta work hard.

also the thing is! that i actually can do it if I actually try! and i know I can! so all that there is to this, is to work hard for the next month!

Summer Studying Challenge - 2021 - @myhoneststudyblr

[keith-claes]

Again my writing skills airnt that great this will possibly be more than one chapter too depending how well it does.

(Girl from the future)

*Chapter 1*

_____________________________

One week before Katarina started work at Ministry of Magic with Maria, Katarina walks around her family gardens alone wanting alittle time to her self, once she starts her new job she wasnt going to be at home that often and wanted to visit some of her favourite hang outs, before checking her veggie garden she took a trip to her favourite tree she likes to climb, she walks over and spots something or someone passed out up in the tree.

Katarina: "is that a girl? She doesnt seem to be moving, I better check if shes okay"

She runs over to the tree as she climbs up, shes gets a good look of her, she appeared to be breathing still which was a good sign, she takes her hand as she checks her over, she looked awfully familiar to her, she has the same blond hair as her brother, so she wondered if perhaps this is a relative of Keith's possible cousin maybe that's why shes at the Claes mansion.

Katarina: "hey are you okay, you shouldn't sleep here, you might fall"

The girl slowly opens her blue eyes same shade of blue as Katarina's, luckily she was sat up in the tree, she places he hand behind her head as she winces out in pain"

Katarina: "hey are you okay"

???: "my head hurts... where am I, last I remember I was kidnapped and dark magic was casted on me by one of my uncles"

Katarina: "dark magic?, where are you from?, maybe I can help what's your name?"

Alice: " my name its Alice Claes, but um its werid now I look at you cause you look alot like my mom"

Katarina: "Claes? I never meet you before, oh you must be one of my cousins.... wait I look like your mom?"

Alice: "yeah my mom is Katarina Claes"

Katarina: "oh my name is katarina claes too, that's pretty cool"

Alice: "that can't be right... if your Katarina and you look like my mom..... what year is this?"

Katarina: "2021?"

Alice: "Wait what! But how, it can't be unless..... I was sent back to the past.... which means...."

Her body starts to tremble with fear, katarina holds onto her stopping her from falling.

Katarina: "time travel! Wait I think I studied about that in class, theres black magic that can send someone to the past or future, if that's the case then...."

Alice: "I have to go back home, I can't say anymore with out changeing the future I've said enough"

Katarina: "from what you said does that mean your my future daughter!"

Katarina wasnt expecting this, she was in shock, but remained strong for Alice who was scared, thoughts ran threw her head, if this really is her future daughter then who is her father and who sent her to the past like this, was this part of her future doom flags. Was someone going to target her threw her future child.

Alice remained silent not wanting to talk anymore about where she came from, one wrong word or move she makes could change the future.

A voice calls out to Katarina taking her away from her thoughts it had also pulled Alice away from her thoughts too. They both looked down the tree and see Keith calling.

Keith: "hey sister we've all been looking for you, Anne has tea and sweets prepared"

Alice: "I know him to he looks alot like someone I know...."

Katarina places her hand on her shoulder.

Katarina: "why don't you join us, are you able to climb down?"

Alice: "I don't have much of a choice do I?"

Katarina: "nope, your eatting sweets with me and Keith, I guess that would be your uncle Keith right"

She teases her as she Pat's her shoulder.

Alice: "I can't say anymore, I've gave too much away already telling you your my mom"

Katarina: "wait so he might not be your uncle?, hmmmm well I will stop asking, let's go down shall we?"

Alice nods and gives her a sweet smile, she follows Katarina down the tree, Keith watches both girls coming down but was curious who this other girl is.

Katarina: "wow you really can climb trees"

Alice: "yeah my mom taught me, through my father doesn't like me doing it he thinks it's to dangerous so I get into trouble alot.... hes pretty stricken and to over protective of me"

Katarina: "sounds alot like someone I know, my mom scolds me too for climbing trees"

She giggles as Keith runs over to her.

Keith: "sister dont tell me you've seduced another one!"

Katarina: "oh no it's nothing like that Keith! Shes lost right Alice"

Alice: "yeah...."

Katarina: "hey you know, now that I look at you both you guys could be twins"

She couldn't help but laugh at there reactions as Keith and Alice look at each as there faces flush red.

Keith: "sister what are you talking about, I dont have a twin, we look nothing alike either"

Katarina: "oh that's right Keith, this is Alice Claes, shes been sent from the future and she needs help to get back home, isn't she so adorable!"

Keith: "wait what.....future! Is that really possible, I didn't think time travel was possible"

Katarina: "yeah, someone casted dark magic on her and she ended up here, oh shes also my future daughter, how cool is that Keith!"

Keith: "wait did you say daughter? Shes your future daughter?"

Alice remains silent not wanting to interrupt them. As Keith looks at her.

Keith: "if that's true then how do we send her back to her own timeline, and who's her father?"

Katarina: "who knows she won't tell me, something about changing the future?"

Alice: "if I say anything about the future it may change things..... as for who my father is, I thought maybe you might of worked that out by now based on who I resemble most"

Katarina: "hold on not twins you guys ain't twins, woah hold up, for real! I know who it is, it has to be you keith! She has my eyes, and she's clearly resembles you in looks and same hair colour too!"

Keith's faces flush red as she points at him.

Keith: "wait what!"

Alice nods as they both look at her.

Alice: "yeah he's my father, I cant say anything else about the future, enough has come out as it is, I may of damaged the future enough as it is coming face to face with you both...... I just want to go home to my mom and dad"

She clings to Keith as she cries into his chest, Keith really didnt know what to do at this point, he was shocked, but yet happy too, hearing he will one day win Katarina's heart.

Keith: "dddddd daughter, I have a daughter with........"

Katarina: "I'm shocked, Keith! I know you confessed lately but this, I never expected"

Keith: "I think we should talk about this later sister, shes really clinging onto me in tears, we should do something"

Katarina: "I know what to do!"

She goes over placing her hands on her shoulder .

Katarina: "hey, it's going to be okay, let's eat some sweets then we can go and see a friend of mine, he knows alot about dark magic, maybe he will, know how to send you home"

Alice: "uncle Raphael and uncle Sora?"

Katarina: "yeah, through maybe you shouldn't call them uncle when we see them"

Alice: "yeah your right, I don't want to mess anything up, dad will be super annoyed with me if I mess the future up, I call all my mom's friends aunt and uncle, it's a habit I have, I will try and not say it if I see them"

She let's go of Keith as she wipes her tears.

Keith: "makes sense I'd be annoyed if you messed up the future, what's been said today stays between us three for now, lord and madam can't know about this either, for now we tell them your a guest staying for a few days till we can find away to get you home"

Katarina: "oh man, wish I could tell everyone I have a really cute furure daughter"

Keith: "no sister, bad idea if Geordo and the others find out, don't you think they'd end up hurt? That could most definitely change the future, they can not know about her"

Alice: "he's right, they can't know, if they ask just tell them I'm a distant cousin, its okay to tell sora and Raphael, the rest is to stay between us, through I'm finding it real hard to call you both by your names, I mean your both going to be my parents one day"

Katarina: "hm then why dont you just call us what ever makes you feel comfortable, but only when where alone? I don't mind if you call me mom"

Keith: "Sister!"

His face turns red with embrassment from hearing her say that,this was all a shock to him still, he never expected to run into his future daughter and here's Katarina acting all normal with this situation.

Alice: "sure if you don't mind me calling you mom"

Alice smiles at her, causing Katarina's heart to flutter she has that same cute innocent smile as Keith did as a child.

Katarina: "your so cute! Hey how old are you"

Alice: "I just turned 15, so um i dont want to sound rude but, I'm getting pretty hungry"

Katarina: "yeah me too, hey Keith or should I say dad"

She nudges him in his side with her elbow as she teases him.

Keith: "hey! Sister don't call me that, its embrassing!"

Katarina and Alice both giggle at his reaction.

Alice: "he hasn't changed a bit, he even calls you big sis still"

Katarina: "what for real?"

Alice: "yeah, I asked him about it once and he said it's a bad habbit of his"

Keith: "you really are from the future huh? Which means you weren't making it all up, your really my daughter?"

Alice: "sure am, I have two younger twin brothers and another sibling on the way, you will have your hands full future dad"

She playfully winks at him as she links onto Katarina's arm. Keith's face couldn't go any redder than what it was already.

Keith: "that many, lots of kids? With sister!"

His heart was racing in his chest to the point he felt like he was gonna pass out. What struck him the hardest was being called dad, it felt kinda nice to him but also made him feel weird.

Katarina: "hey hurry up Keith, or we will eat all the sweets with out you"

Alice: "yeah hurry up dad!!!"

Keith: "ah! I'm coming sister..."

He mumbles alittle something to him self not wanting them to hear.

Keith: "does she have to call me that, I'm not prepared to be called such things...."

To be continued.

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 46 - watching notes

Full disclosure: I'm not in a particularly good mood today. Have you seen that "no productivity. Only guild." Meme flying around? That's me today :|

Hopefully this will distract me (though distraction was the problem in the first place 🙈)

I apologise for any typos you'll finde in this post 😅

To recap, the last thing I learned was that apparently, Jiggy married his own sister because Jin Guangshan was a scumbag who raped more women than he could possibly remember

I was told by several people that this episode is their favourite. No pressures or anything :D

The way someone is dragging up Jiggy's secrets has a lot of poetic justice to it. Everyone is outraged and gossiping. Consensus is reached quickly. Kinda makes me feel that that someone (who probably also wrote the letter to jgy) knows exactly how to use the sect world's worst qualities as a weapon

Yao what's-his-name, resident gossip queen, at it again

Don't look at me my memory is as bad as wwx when it comes to names :D

I was about to write who is Lianfang Zum again and then I remembered that it's jiggy's honorary title. See what I mean? ^^

What does it say about me that my heart makes a leap when I simply see wwx leaning close to lwj to whisper to him? 😅 I'll probably die reading the novel, that's what that says

Oh so it was the maid who sent the letter

Come on Wei Wuxian! That was cruel

Yeah Yao what's-his-name, why would you need to know the identity of who ever is behind this? It's not like you've ever been deceived before!

What's... with that bracelet?

I love it how everyone looks positively startled when Lan Wangji says something unprompted :D

Wait ... Zwei Jun is in his hands? Shit, i don't remeber what happened there. Where did Xichen go again? 😬

I'm so confused right now 🙈 I can't watch and read the subtitles and type

Okay, watched the whole conversation again, now I'm following

I reiterate my earlier statement that whoever is pulling the strings here knows exactly what strings to pull to get the clans to act

Great, another mob 🙄

Loooool

NOW you want his help? 😂

Sure, as soon as he can serve YOU with his "evil tricks", that's okay!

You can see how much wwx changed because he does not hold their hypocrisy to their faces. He mostly seemed tired of it

And Jiang Cheng just realised that wwx might indeed not be responsible for Jiang Yanli's death, didn't he? He's almost stunned 🥺

Or is BEAUTIFUL to see Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji move in such unity! 😭

Oh ... those are the graves of his foster parents, right? :(

And Yanli ... oh God I forgot about Yanli 🥺

I'm crying again. Nothing on this show will ever hit as hard to me as the Yunmeng siblings' fate

I couldn't help myself, I legitimately just stroked my laptop screen where Yanli's plate was 🥺

So many conflicting emotions

Thanks to a friendly anon, I know that these three bows together are marriage thing! 😭😭😭

So yeah, they're married now. I dont make the rules :')

Somehow, this feels like them asking wwx's foster family's blessing

And now I'm imagining Shijie smiling back at them gently and I'm crying 🥺

And by God, I love lwj's gentle teasing :')

This whole scene, he's so soft! 😭

And it think that Wei Wuxian probably thought that he'd never get to step into Lotus Pier again. But here, he can finally say his goodbyes to his Shijie properly. He can heal! 🖤

And again, I cannot stress enough how wonderful that is! And how rare and precious in a show like this. So often character's get put through unimaginable trauma, but they either brush it off no problem or the show/movie ends immediately after the main action and you are left to imagine the number it did on the character's psyche. There are so rarely fantasy shows that really dive into the emotional fallout the plot has on their characters and then give them time to heal. Thus show does both and I'm so goddamn overjoyed my it!

Come to think of it, it reminds me of a very good hurt/comfort fic 🤷‍♀️

Jiang Cheng pleae, fir once, try not to be angry immediately when you're hurting :(

He still takes special offence that lwj is there. Makes me wonder if he still feels like wwx chooses lwj over the Jiang sect and is still hurt by it 😔 (note that at the same time, he reminds wwx that he's very much not a member of the Jiang clan anymore. God, the man has not worked through his own feelings ...)

For once, as much as I love it when lwj defends wwx (especially when it's not against any physical harm, but because he doesn't want wwx to be hurt emotionally) I think him interfering with this particular conflict does not help

Okay sorry, but no! lotus pier was not destroyed because wwx saved lwj in that cave. That was just an excuse for the Wen sect. They would have come eventually anyway

Ohhh

So there's my answer

He's still hurt because he feels wwx chooses anyone else over his family, which is to say him

And he probably can't understand because their positions are so different. The (future) sect leader and the son of a (dead) servant and a rogue cultivator who never felt quite like he belonged 😔

It's so goddamn tragic how much between these two was destroyed simply because they have such a different status in society and could never quite understand each other's perspective

And again, wwx just takes it 💔

Until, that is, lwj's honour gets besmirched

Don't fight in front of Shijie 🥺

Jiang Cheng's every action screams that he still loves his brother and that amidst all that pain for his lost family, is also deep betrayal and grieve for the brother he thought he could always count on 🥺💔

Can we appreciate for a second how much this shot tells us? From Jiang Cheng's angry desperation, to Wei Wuxian's quite acceptance of his rage (which must be so confusing to Jiang Cheng and probably hurt him even more. Because fighting is always how these two resolved their issues!) to Lan Wangji who is in full on protective mode (which I find more than heartwarming,but still think probably isn't helpful rn)

He ... what?

I still don't quite understand when exactly wwx's lack of golden core shows. Why does he have a nosebleed here?

What?

Oh!

Wen Ning 😱

I get what he wants to do!

Have we ever seen him this calm and determined before?

Abd they understand 😱😱😱

The look on all of their faces! Shiiiiit

I'm crying again

Oh wangii is crying 🥺

Wen Quing 💔💔💔 I'm crying even harder just looking at her. I've MISSED her 🥺

Lan Zhan your FACE!! 😭

The way he's looking at wwx in his arms, as if he's seeing him fir the first time

And by god, I can only imagine what he must be thinking

He must be reevaluation every single interaction they had since wwx started down the path of demonic cultivation 😭

I'm a bit in awe of Wen Ning here and how much he must have been holding in. That's the steadiest and most confident he's ever been

Oh Jiang cheng 💔

That looks like a man whose entire world has just been shaken to its core

And Lan Wangji is crying so much 🥺

God I hope he doesn't blame himself even more 🥺

Aaaaaaahhhh, so that is why he wouldn't just carry the sword for appearance sake and why he just had a nosebleed!

Jiang Cheng probably needs about a month to process all that :/

And therapy ...

Aaaaaaahhhh! The boat scene! I've seen gifs! 😍😍😍

A penny for Lan Wangji's thoughts ...

Oh I'm so so so so glad that Wen Ning gets to say thank you to the man who raised his ... cousin (?) :')

Oh god we get to see!!!!

Oh little a Yuan 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I wonder now, did Lan Qiren know who the child was that his nephew suddenly brought back to cloud recess?

I'm glad that we all learned from this that keeping secrets from the people we love, especially secrets that concern them personally, will eventually come back to bide us in the ass. Than you for delivering that important lesson, wen Ning!

Which reminds me that I hope they eventually tell wwx that they know 😬

I swear to god, one of these days I will melt from the gentleness in lan Wangji's gaze :')

Shit. He had to be awake? 😳

You can pinpoint the moment Lan Wangji's heart breaks for all the suffering wwx endured and how close he came to loosing him even then 🥺

Waking like that in you lovers arms in the middle of a lotus pond - that's the dream *sighs* (minus the passing out bit)

It's weirdly cute that wwx thinks that it's Jiang Cheng's insults that have lwj so upset 😅

Oh GOOOOD ...

I can't

The moment Yanli's themes started to play and she appeared I started to bawl 😭😭😭

And he's sharing the lotus pods with them ... oh please, lwj, please understand what he's saying. That's his pove language! His sister's food was how he received love and right now he passes it on to you! Please, please understand it! 🥺

Oh lwj, don't 🙈

Awwwwww ....

He's breaking the rules for you!!! Just to make you smile!!! 😭😭

And holy shit look at their expressions 😭

By now you should know that he's willing to break the rules for you :')

And poor third wheel Wen Ning 😂

Now there are glittering butterflies???

Do they have some kind of romantic aesthetic bingo going on in this episode???

Oh okay, messenger butterflies

Please appreciate wwx almost climbing into lan Wangji's lab in excitement :D

Thay scene transition was pretty af!

Hey! Why do they bully wen Ning? 😤

*shakes wwx by the shoulders* DO YOU GET THAT HE LOVES YOU NOW???

Huh, this episode was a roller coaster. you guys did NOT exaggerate! I loved it to pieces. I'm floored once more by all the actor's performances. Wen Ning revealed a lot about his character, Jiang Cheng broke my heart, Lan Wangji made it melt and Shijie is still able to make me bawl in an instant. But ... I'm not left with a bitter feeling. Sure, jiang Cheng and wei Wuxian havebt reconciled, but the truth is the first step to even have that possibility. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are both healing and whatever happens in the last 4 (4!!!😭) episodes, I'm not dreading it that much right now. I feel like we're climbing upwards :)

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird @i-love-him-on-purpose thank you guys for staying with me for this crazy ride 💙🖤💙

Also one last thing: please don't tell me what happens differently in the novel in any given scene. I am still reading it (about half way through rn) and I'd like to still be surprised by stuff like first kisses and love confessions 💙🖤

I should have put something like this at the end before, but I always forgot. That's on me 😅 so don't feel bad, if you've shared something before :)

[nylaaaaa]

Little Secret

Chapter 1. Your Secret Is Safe With Me

Name and Surname: Natalie Fleur Estelle

Sex: Female

Date of Birth: 19th August 1692

Place ( Registration 

of      < District                     Cynthell

Birth  ( Sub-District

_________________________________________

"Here's the birth certificate. It has nothing about her parents on it as you suggested." I gave the man standing beside me, who had grown to be a brother to me, a quick, but satisfied, grunt of approval. 

"Thank you. Keep this between us and I'll keep up my end of the deal." Quintin gave me a questioning side glance. I knew he didn't appreciate me bringing up the past but I needed him to keep this between us.

"I don't see why you won't be honest to her. For all we know she might be like you..." I knew what he was suggesting, but I refused to listen. She won't be like me. She can't be like me. I waved him away, annoyance clear as day across my face. He will be annoyed too. We both have secrets. I just don't know whose is worth more.

_________________________________________

Today....

Today is possibly the worst day I'll have in my life. I'm honestly not sure. 

Today I officially turn 18 which, unluckily for me, means I have to add another thing to my job description.

Isaieth adopted me when I was born because my father died and it caused my mum to become a drunk. I don't exactly blame her for leaving and forgetting her troubles with a drink. But I also can't say I'm fond of it. I love Isaieth with all my heart, he feels like an actual father to me. But I sometimes wish I had an actual mother to help me grow as well.

When I was born my father died. No one told me how, I just know it was traumatic enough to make my mother a drunk. Isaieth adopted me when I was 2 after he had an accident that caused him to be deaf and partially blind. He wasn't fit for work anymore so the second I turned an age where I can go to the toilet by myself he taught me how to tend his farm. He makes a business by selling wheat that he grows and whatever we can get from the few animals we own. When I was 16 I found an abandoned lamb who we later discovered was a merino sheep. Merino sheep are, in my opinion, the best sheep you can get. Their carcasses are smaller than the average sheep so they aren't used for meat but rather for the wool that they grow. The average amount of wool the sheep grows is 11kg which is enough for about 11 sweaters. Aswell as the sheep we have 2 chickens, both of which are female. They were actually, in some ways, a gift from the king. The king and Isaieth are best friends almost from birth. They both grew up in royalty but only the king kept it that way. Isaieth was the son of a knight, and so in turn, Isaieth was also a knight. The king was born a prince and then was assigned a knight who happened to be Isaieth. One of the times when Isaieth was protecting the king he ended up getting seriously injured and the king fired him for his own safety. The king doesn't exactly care for the knight's wellbeing but because they were friends he decided a knight was too dangerous for Isaieth. After the event the king offered him a plot of land on the outskirts of the city that was run down and abandoned but had potential for a farm. Isaieth's dream as a boy was to grow old and have his own farm, so like any friend the king got him his own farm. Because of the friendship and countless times Isaieth saved his life our rent was greatly reduced and we were offered a permanent job to make sure we always had the money to pay rent. The job included selling off our produce from the animals. The eggs given to Isaieth was originally just starter food but Isaieth decided to keep them and let them hatch instead. When they grew to be quite old he kept a few of the last eggs they would hatch and did the same thing. The hens we have now are 1 years old, or will be in a few days. We don't get much from our farm but because of the discount on rent sometimes we have enough money to spare to get nice things. The average price of rent can go up to 100 gold.

(100 gold is like 1k, the money in this story is, bronze= pence or cents or whatever is the lowest in your country, silver= pounds or dollars etc and gold= the hundreds +. In simpler terms, but in GBP ((Great British Pounds)) terms, 1 bronze= 1 pence, 1 silver= 1 pound and 1 gold= 100 pound.)

Ours however got put down to 45 gold. It's still a lot that we just about make each month but we're still thankful that he even gave us this place to begin with. He didn't actually have to.

It's also lucky that our farm works well with rent times. Each month you have to go to the castle and pay your rent. If you dont have enough or you skip it they go to your house and either take a child, that becomes their servent who has to work for the money you didn't pay, or they take some belongings that you don't get back unless you pay extra. Luckily we've never seen it first hand but one of my childhood friends ended up becoming a servent from it. I haven't seen her since. Our wheat takes a month to grow so we've always got that to keep our money up. Unfortunately wheat sells cheap, one wheat grain sells for 30 bronze. Every month we grow, on average, 700 wheat grains but have to keep back 350 to replant so we can get 350 the next month too. So on average every month with wheat alone we make 10 gold and 5 silver. Which by itself is almost a quarter of our rent. Replanting and harvesting wheat is one of the most tedious jobs of farming, but maintaining is by far the easiest. You only have to water the plant at most once in summer but otherwise never. All you really have to do is make sure the plant isn't dying and be on your way. The worst job I have is turning the sheeps pelt into wool. She doesn't like to be milked so doing that is an annoyance but I dread making wool the most out of all the farm jobs I have. Next to maintaining the crop the hens are the easiest too. They lay at least one egg everyday, the only thing I have to do is collect the eggs without breaking them and make sure the hens are well fed and have fresh air. With making wool you have to flatten the pelt completely and then tie the strands together to make a really long piece of wool that I have to cut and ball up. It's the worst job on the entire farm but I can't say I hate doing it. My favourite thing is balling it all up after dying it. I'm just thankful all these things take a month to do or we'd be screwed on rent every month.

(Realistically these don't actually take a month, I researched so much to make the story as legit as possible but for story sake I tweaked the timing. Hens do lay one egg a day at least, if properly cared for and also depending on breed. But wheat takes a LOT longer to grow and you can only shave a sheep once a year. I changed the timing of it all tho or I'd have to be even more creative with money and stuff and tbh I'd rather not. Coming up with these ideas for the farm was hard enough.)

On average you get 2 balls of yarn out of 1kg of wool. Luckily for us our merino sheep produces 11kg of wool giving us 22 balls of yarn. 1 ball of yarn sells for 1 gold, so for 22 balls of yarn we make 22 gold. Personally I think it's extremely expensive but it does make sense considering there aren't many sheep around, which also means clothes, blankets and shoes are harder to get. On average with the hens we get 2 eggs a day. 1 egg sells for 25 silver, meaning the 2 we make in a day gives us 50 silver. There's 28 days in a month meaning with eggs alone we make 14 gold. Altogether in one month we usually make roughly 46 gold. As good of an amount as that is, 45 of it has to go to the king, leaving us with roughly 1 gold left. Because we're human and need to eat, bathe and clothe ourselves just like everyone else, whatever's left gets spent on stuff like that. On average every month we spend about 50 silver on food. I have my own plant pots in my room that we use for our own food. There's only 2 of them but in one plant pot I grow strawberries and in the other I grow raspberries. Truth be told if I sold the strawberries and raspberries we'd probably be richer but honestly, we're both kinda used to this life and although we don't have everything we want, we have everything we need. Besides the fruits take 2 months to grow and because of my reputation people would refuse to buy them for their actual price. They just about accept the other things, if fruits were in the mix I'd probably get death glares and 1 bronze for a batch. It doesn't bother me too much though because with whatever odd bit of wheat we had spare from the 700 odd we plant and sell we use that to make bread or pastry, so every 2 months we make the fruits into a jam or crush them and make a pie. My all time favourite activity is making them into pies or bread and jam with Isaieth. It's the only thing we can properly do together. He helps me replant and harvest the wheat sometimes because there's so much of it but usually he just watches from afar. His eye sight is getting worse the older he gets so he helps less and less. It saddens me because I know he doesn't want to go fully blind, we wouldn't be able to communicate at all and what kind of life are you living if you can't see or hear anything. You might as well be dead at that point or you'd be so throughly confused. 

Getting back on track. Today is a bad day because it's the first day where I have to pay for the rent. I've been a few times with Isaieth as a child but I've never gone alone. It's an adults job and should only be done by an adult. But today, aswell as being my birthday, it's also rent day. Isaieth didn't actually want me to do it but I insisted knowing that he would have severe trouble doing it himself. And what's more is that I have to go alone to sell our produce now aswell. I don't put any blame on him and I especially will never complain. But in my head I can feel bitter about the situation. 

I look forward to the day.....

...

No I don't. 

[imhereforthetryus]

Love is Hate and there no other way

(Anti Harringroves pls do not intereact with thid fanfiction your welcome to talk about anything else but this fic yes dont worry about the title i just do dEeP 💩 )

Tags: @thelonious-jagger-smitten @i-am-church-the-cat it glitching and so u might have to use the link

Tw: for abuse and panic attacks i apologize deeply i dont know how to do the read more thing im so sorry

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19911385

I be like we self projecting 👋🤦🏼‍♀️😂 noises

(Why get therapy when u can get bad coping methods 😎)

Words:7,932

Billy's eyes were blue kind of like his mother's blue but not really sure he had the paleness blue of his mothers but her eyes were just different he took a lot after his mother, the same not same eyes and bright blonde curls that seemed to grow a foot a month.

He figured that why Neil hated him so much Neil and his mom relationship was weird, in a way not just the whole abuse thing but that Billy could never really tell who was the victim and who was the aggressor.

Sure sometimes it was obvious when Neil was towering over his mother as she stood on the floor tired and hurt but then there were times when both were yelling at each other and trading insults, or his mom eyes pale and blue filled with rage would hit a plate against Neil, clawing at him and screaming truth be told at first it was amusing but he found himself laughing less and more just watching the scene unfold.

“My little Isla...Don’t cry everything is fine...let me tell you an old story of mine...about the necklace” then she would start weaving tales endlessly he would laugh and she would smile she was always a great storyteller she always wanted to be an actor it was kind of ironic how she was acting all the time … acting like everything fine “Is my bunny happy” he would not and hug her and everything would be fine but it wasn’t and maybe it would never be.

Like how if he had just been able to keep his mouth shut about the new boy at school. Who played with Billy the only child to not shun him, and who drew him a picture and how cute he looked and how he was going to marry him one day his dad anger wouldn’t have increased tenfold forever. His mom wouldn’t have left angry at Neil unacceptable of him but then if he hadn’t he wouldn’t have had his mother there to kiss his bruise stinging from Neil fist and the tears from the word faggot he didnt know what it meant but he knew it wasnt good, but she was there she was awalys there to tell him there was “nothing wrong with loving a boy that love is just loving and wherever and whoever you find it with loves you back and that the only thing that matters Isla”

He missed being a child but was he ever a child he was grown up before he knew it. He forced himself to stop thinking about everything focus on something else,...your eyes he had just noticed that his eyes well they were always blue but their not really blue if that made sense they sort of changed blues but to his drunk mind taking dangerous trips fueled by chugged countless cheap beers at Tommy H. Party it didn’t matter.

If he was drunk or sober one thing that stayed the same was he fucking hated this day...hated how his mother had left him and how she loved him she awalys used to say how much she loved him while hugging him gently like it would make Neils slaps , his red cheeks and tears disappear, as if her overwhelming love bundled with hugs and kisses would make up for it, but all it did was make Billy confused if she could love him so easily why couldnt his dad and then she came back.

Like as if she couldn't bother leaving him alone without the emotional damage of coming back she had only done it a few days at a time after years of hiding away with the words or letters getting fewer but then she had ghosted him a year later but he still remembered that day.

He remembered being thirteen his favourite toy bunny the one his mother had when she was a child and the one he spelt with to protect him from the monsters under the bed when she couldn’t sleep with him that beautiful bunny disposed and ripped to shreds it white fur blood-splattered and it head gone all because “he was too old for them” sitting on the floor of his bedroom just praying every night for his mom to come back and take him with her, and trying to lock himself in and saying his prayer faster as if to make her appear right there and then...and she did eventually on the eve of his fourteenth birthday there she was in the flesh, sneaking through the tiny window and grabbing Billy.

She shushed his protest and laughed at him but she was happy so he was happy and very confused But isn't that the life of a child, to be one without power or choice, always going with the change in the wind and praying for a safe harbor? .Wasn't that always his life going with the wind and following the “adults” he was sure they never grew up his mom was still a believer in hope even in despair while that was surely a good thing for her. it wasn't for Billy nothing was ever good for him. He was a ping pong to his parents, a useless fix it child.

They demanded him to pick a side many times even when there was no fight to be won it was a never-ending war to win his love they bad-mouthed each other constantly but he just stood there trying not to intervene in their war of hate, but he had too sometimes when he didn't want to or else he would be the target they desired to know who he loved more, but in truth there is no such distinction. They asked and should the “right” answer not arrive there is anger, swift and brutal in the form of his mom shunning him and his dad hitting him.

So even when his mom came it wasn't for him but just to win another point to piss off Neil, but he was used to the bribes. it wasn't too bad though he could get used to the perks he decided he would make the best of it as his mom carried him on her slim shoulders, he would admire the stars from above to him she stood like a giant.

Or maybe that the way he envisioned her he couldn't help exaggerate her tiny height even when he was boarding on it. he held on close afraid she disappear again just to let him calm his nerves she let him touch her hair curly, long and blonde a shining clone of his and play with her necklace. She had told him the story about how her grandmother had made the necklace from the last of their metal as a birthday gift many times usually with Neil letting a murmur of disapproval fall from his lips but this time it felt different maybe even magical. As they were walking along the boardwalk his socks light against the board, as his mom flowered him with Ice-cream galore. It was his favorite Strawberry and five scoops high he smiled happily letting the dark light shine across his face and the pools of ice cream melt onto his clothes.

They had come across an abandoned climbing place, an adventure playground of sorts, it was dark and quiet but his mom said it was okay and encouraged him to climb the fence.

She had done it too her heels landing against the sand she had laughed so he did, running up against the wooden structure which reeked of paint but she was giddy like a child taking him everywhere. At some point they ran onto the cold wet damp grass in the rain barefoot, her colorful dresses always finding a way to light up in the darkest nights, the light green still stood out even amongst the grass and as they laid there. His mom rubbing his hair and pointing at all the stars and telling him about it like a well of infinite knowledge.

“You see William that star right there” he had nodded hesitantly she rarely called him William, only when she wanted his attention, she usually called him Isla or Bunny and while he protested those pet names as long as he had been living she had just laughed and just pulled him closer he never thought he miss those names so fucking much. before you get the wrong idea she wasn’t dead but it was like that she was a ghost now refusing to acknowledge Billy but this time there were no secret trips to wherever, maybe Billy just outgrew them or his mom outgrew him he wasn't sure which possibility was worse.

As his bruised muscles cracking with pain,up against his hard mattress nothing like a beating and shitty necessities not like Neil gave a damn to his comfort after all, he give him a semi comfortable bed because “cost” but Billy knew that was bullshit.

Neil would do anything to see Billy suffer it was practically his favourite hobby when he wasn’t gutting the insides of fish but it was practically the same Neil would rail in the fish with bait or in Billy cases kind words and flashy gifts. Then he would wait a bit till the fish took the bait like Billy would let his guard down a tiny bit.Then go in for the kill using his fishing pole and fist to kill the fish slowly and painfully like he would to Billy and he knew for a fact that not only were these mattress so stiff and hard. They cost way more for whatever reason rich people like hard mattresses. but it could be worse his dad could have not given him a room at all yeah it could be worse it was something Billy always thought about him finally getting away from Neil not by his own choice but by cps he tried it before but Neil was so charming and Billy wasn’t ten and a half anymore, his mom wasn't there to challenge Neil and to protect him.

He couldn't risk a visit now so it would never happen not by any fault of his own at least he knew Neil could predict most of his movements.

He heard the horror stories he wasn’t going to subject himself to any more shit and while his dad was shit he was still legally required to provide for him otherwise how else would he use that line in his next argument, to justify his parenting methods and to complain about how hard it was raising a useless piece of shit like Billy and to think of it his father sure loved to complain about useless shit.

But he couldn’t complain he never could without a slap against his cheeks or his dad's famous speech scientifically designed to make anyone who hears it feel like shit which Billy already was, but hey the speech is such a great deal for shitty dads everywhere who wouldn’t love to mentally toture their child when their fist became too bruised to hit them.

And in all honesty Billy loathed that speech more than he loathed himself, more than he loathed his dads fist, more than he loathed girls how he hated to fuck them and go out with them and even more than he loathed Harrington.

Stupidly perfect Harrington who made Billy heart skip and leap, who made Billy blush at an insult who made Billy nervous and not just out of fear, he made Billy scared way too scared.

He could not be with Harrington even if he wasn't straight which he couldn't be because almost all the gays in California used Farrah Fawcett Hairspray it how they found each other.

Not like Billy ever went as far like that even then he was too much of a coward, his pale blue eyes glanced at the alarm finally calm for once because this was his favourite part of the day, when he could just lay in bed and glanced up at the ugly peach ceiling letting his thoughts flowed like a river stream quiet yet loud.

He pulled the wool cover closer shivering in his empty room another form of sadstic toture if Neil wasn’t beating the shit out of him he was fucking up Billys air and heat supply. He never knew when he would be hot or cold plus it was just another way for Neil to keep him on his fucking toes.

Like he didnt do that every single fucking day, with Neil mood deciding if Billy could only get away with a slap and a walk outside in the snow and how he hated the cold, he wasnt used to it . Ofcourse, he was a California Baby he could stand hot weather but not cold especially when he only had one blanket to protect himself. Because everything belonged to Neil if he pissed Neil off too much his belongings would be gone because they were never his , Neil spiteful face popped up and he imagined another cruel smile as he “grounded” Billy.

“You need to learn a lesson about Respect and Responsibility” he saw his dad, felt him “punishing” Billy, he felt his tears and struggled to get out of this hellish nightmare, his breath heavy, breathe breathe don't be such a pussy his panic attack was stopped by a knock on his door he opened the door angrily.

“What the fuck do you want M-..” his father stared at him stone cold and hard like he awalys was calculating watching Billy squirm.

“Is this how you talk to your sister” he grabbed Billy chin and squeezed it tight.

“No sir” Billy tried to make himself shorter, trying to disappear into the wall but it never worked, no matter how he wished it did but his father was in a good mood suprisngly so he let Billy off with a slap and a spilt lip, and Billy could thank him right then and there for not beating the shit out of him for being so rude and disrespectful, but the stare of disappointment and the glare was more painful than the backhand.

Billy forced himself to go downstairs dreading every step to eat with his “family” as far as Billy was conserend his mom was his only family but all his stubbornness did was put Neil in a bad mood.

“You’re Mother is gone Billy suck it up” he would say chewing his steak and despite Billy hating eating breakfast with Susan and Neil , being under his dad microscope was irritating and annoying but he knew if he didn't eat all his food, thank Susan, and be quiet and not exist then there wouldn’t be any food to digest, because Neil had done it before It was either eat everything Susan made no matter how much it taste like horseshit or not eat at all or even worse eat the way Neil wanted him too and while Billy personally thought both options were cruel and unusual toture and neither qualified as the best option but he still needed food to survive so he ate it all.

Every last spoonful in fear for Neil trailing eyes on him, his back arching aganist the chair, eating softly and trying not to throw up watching Max shoveling burned eggs and bacon into her mouth, his mom food was way better.

He glared at Susan subtly as he thanked her how he wanted to go off on her but he wasn't in the mood to skip school today and be bruised. so instead he took his anger out on Max he yelled at her to get up, which resulted in her eating her scrambled eggs slower then finally getting up and taking forever to get ready, grabbed Max by the elbow when she wasn't moving fast enough. he hated running into Neil in the morning who was less of a morning person than Billy and he grabbed her hard enough to bruise but not enough to get shit from Neil.

He ignored her screaming at him to the point where she was being a cocky little shit, and had the nerve to put her disgusting mud covered red shoes on his dashboard, with a little grin that stupid brat and when he told her to knock it off she flipped him off. so he drove like a manic letting his hands off the steering and speeding up just to see the fear in her eyes and dropped her off to the stares of the middle schoolers.

He drove back even faster it was the only way plus he couldn't miss getting ready for his favorite class of the day aka Bothering Steve for 40 minutes, he stood against his Camero letting cigarette smoke fill the air, then he went inside shoving a couple of kids who dared to look at Billy in anyway no one was that stupid to do it on purpose but still he had to install fear or he would be scared.

He wasn't always mean he used to be kind but kindness never got him anything but a broken heart and fag screamed at his face by older boys, a shove to the ground and the laughter of his classmates it never gave him anything but humiliation.

So He hid behind a charming carefree smile and reinvented himself, learning to keep his feelings inside to stop thinking about boys that way. The hurt lodged in that sweet heart like a slow acting poison and before long he became a “problem child,” destined for a life behind bars. He hated his “parents,” hated the system, hated the government and the whole damn world he had to or he would hate himself.

The hate It burst forth in his speech, his actions, his attitude. He got close to people just to hurt them, power at last. Nothing pleased him more than to walk away from a new lover ripping their valentines while they whimpered and ran, To shove a kid down and make him cry to spit the word fag in the kids fave.. To Billy people were “bad, dangerous, and they deserved what they got." Because he deserved what he had gotten.

Steve loathed first period, not only because it's English Class but Billy who made it his personal goal to harass Steve anytime he could which meant every class they shared together. Because Billy obviously didn't think his crude and sexual teasing,his fists and trips down the hallway was enough time to toture Harrington and fortunately for Steve.

There were only four classes but that meant Billy had to make an impression so Steve sighed as Billy came in late what a surprise , came up to him, knocking his books down against the floor, Mrs.Ava looked like she was going to say something but the look Billy gave her shut her up Steve reisted a snort great everyone was intimidated by Billy.

As the minutes of the lesson passed, the ceaseless buzzing of the classroom grew quieter watching them it was no secret that Billy and Steve weren’t pals but a look of shock always seemed to come on their face watching their interactions a quiet glance from Billy made the chatter started up again and they pretended to be talking about something else and looked away.

“Hey Prettyboy” Billy licked his lips at him, slamming into the seat next to Steve, Billy smiled at him.

Steve rolled his eyes trailing the pencil in between his fingers, he was way too tired to deal with Billy “Don't you have someone else to bother” .

Billy pouted giving him a small smirk he even makes puppy eyes look evil Steve sighed.

“But you’re my favourite Stevie” Steve kicked Billy from under the table.

“Fuck off” Billy just laughed and reisted the urge to whimper why was he being so weak it was just a little cut there Billy felt himself ponder looking at Steve who was trying very hard not to look at Billy and to focus on the lesson which Billy should be doing to, but Steve and his perfect lips and how much Billy wanted to kiss them, his soft hair i wonder what it would feel like oh how he wanted to kiss Steve, shove him against a wall, fuck him and punch him all at the same time why do you have to be so damn amazing Harrington.

“Ouch you really hurt my feelings Harrington..I think i just shed a tear” Billy smiled oh how he loved first period plus steve was so cute when he was annoyed FAG his mind screamed he reisted the urge to punch himself, Steve gave Billy a small smirk.

“Bullshit you dont have feelings” Billy chuckled slowly unbutoing his top not like it was open anyways but cmon if he didnt give the cows here a show people might think he a fag which he is , he winked to Steve.

“You’re right about that Pretty Boy” Steve glared and turned towards the window suddenly interested in the blue sky and clouds that dotted the sky. The bell rang finally freedom Steve thought he was one comment away from shoving his pencil up Billy ass.

why does he have to be such an asshole even worse a cute one and yeah it was pretty cliche of him to have a crush on his bully. but like can you blame him Billy was hot and straight his mind screamed at him it was too risky plus he didnt think he could handle Billy disgust more than his fists but Billy was so hot and an asshole but hes a hot one.

Steve groaned in frustration stupid horny brain but this felt weird and different he didnt like boys right i mean, and if he was gay which he wasn’t wasnt he liked nancy for a long time goodness sake then couldn’t he atleast have a crush on a boy who isnt an asshole, but what was he, after all if you weren’t straight then you were gay but he liked both he couldn’t possibly be gay and straight at the same time, there had to be a word and Steve had to investigate it for his sake so on he went after Mrs. Ava class to the library.

-

Steve ducked from Nancy and Jonathan he felt bad about missing lunch but if they even knew where he was going they would ask questions he wasn't ready to answer yet when he saw them leave he sprinted towards his car driving to the town library which was well not im Hawkins but the next town over he couldn’t bare to see anyone he knew. He opened the doors to the library entering he was hit with a cloud of dust, and started to look around.

Row after row of neatly lined up books with their spines facing outward, colour coded with dots, fiction section arranged in alphabetical order, young adults section, comfortable chairs, tables for quiet study, muffled stillness.

He took a breath walking up to the resident sub librarian Mrs. Mervil the hawk who stood about 5’4 her lip always tight and pressed as if she was simply always waiting for disappointment as if she never bothered to smile, her eyebrows and eyes were thin and like her whole self her clothes reflected that always dread and uncolorful, so professional and tight. It made Steve parents outfits look casual and who despite Steve best try hated him for whatever reason, maybe it was the blonde hair and sapphire blue eyes those combinations always seemed to despise Steve or just everyone but mostly Steve.

He gave her a false smile “Hi Mrs.Mervil” she turned towards him. her eyes cold and bored she took off her silver rimmed glasses for a young woman she sure acted old she put down whatever book she was reading he examined it, she slammed it before he could see the title but it was a space book for sure.

“What is it Steven” he sighed and gave her a smile he hoped his face wasn't giving away anything.

“Mr.Harrington if you’re just going to stand there and go dont waste my time” he bit his lip and shoved his hands deeper in his cardigan. He couldn’t do this she already hated him she could tell everyone, or even worse whatever worse was. But he needed to know this more than he needed to breathe, he could wait but he wasn't willing to wait.

“I need to find a book...to tell me about my sexuality” at that her face and demeanor softened a bit like she was remancissing she gave him a small smile and lead him towards the shelf her heels dragging along the whole way.

“Alright come along Steven I don't have all day” he sighed in relief and walked up with her, he tried to make conversation as she rustled through the books.

[mental-health-advice]

I just need to tell this to someone...I can feel myself getting worse. My hallucinations are back and my depression is slowly creeping in. I've stopped socializing and I'm started to fall behind in school (/again/). I dont know how to stop this. Part of me doesn't want to because I want to experience something. My life is so dull all the time. The only time I feel alive is when I'm experiencing extreme emotions because of my BPD. My dissociation returning isn't helping with that either.

Hi darling,

I think it’s really good that you’ve reached out and told someone about this! I’m really sorry to hear that things have been getting so bad lately. When things are getting so bad, it’s tempting to just let it go and let it be without interfering. That’s understandable because interfering is hard, it costs effort and energy, and putting effort into something can be the last thing you want to think about when you’re already struggling so much. But letting this happen isn’t going to help lovely. Maybe there will be times where you’ll experience extreme emotions and therefore feel alive. But that only lasts a short while until for example dissociation kicks in. And then you’re back at the opposite of where you want to be! 

Let’s start small. If you’re on medication, have you been taking those regularly? If not, then I’d highly recommend you to get in touch with your psychiatrist, whom can advise you on whether you should start taking them regularly again, or if it’d be best to start with a smaller dose and work back up to your prescribed dose. I don’t recommend you to tamper with doses without professional supervision! 

When you’re experiencing feelings of dissociation, can you try to use grounding techniques? They can help to keep you in reality or get you back in reality. Different techniques work for different people, so I’d recommend you to try out a lot of the ones on our page and see which ones work best for you at what time. My personal favourite (and one that seems to help a lot of people) is the following one:

Describe 5 things you can see;

Describe 4 things you can hear;

Describe 3 things you can feel;

Describe 2 things you can smell;

Describe 1 thing you can taste.

Since you’re starting to fall behind in school, I think it would be good to speak to someone at school about what’s been going on. It will help them understand why you’re falling behind, which means they can help you better and more accurately to get back on track and/or cut you some slack. When I was still in high school I was in contact with the school counsellor, and at some point in my final year I think there were a lot of things everyone was obligated to do. But this was done mostly so that people would actually do work and it was just a motivation, so that they wouldn’t have a super hard time at finals. I was always motivated myself and the deadline just created a lot of stress for me, which made my struggles worse. After speaking to the school counsellor about t, she recommended I talk to my head of year, and eventually I was excluded from the deadlines! This is a small example, but there are things your school can do for you, even if it seems like that isn’t possible. They can make exceptions for you or create something else that helps you. 

Speaking to the school counsellor can also be good as then you don’t have to carry this all by yourself anymore. It can maybe be a step towards getting professional help, which I think would be really beneficial for you! If you aren’t yet currently, you could get on medication (if you’re open towards that), as antipsychotics can really help with hallucinations. And antidepressants can help against your depression. There’s a misconception that being on antidepressants can cause you to not feel anything anymore. Sometimes this is a side effect yes, but if that’s the case then the medication isn’t right for you. Ultimately, you’ll want to find the medication that works for you and doesn’t give you such side effects. If working properly, antidepressants give you that little bit of energy that you need to be able to break through the depressive cycle. 

Additionally, you can start talking therapy. Since you’re dealing with BPD, DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) has been proven to be extremely helpful! It was designed after it was discovered that CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) wasn’t very useful for people struggling with BPD. We have a page explaining the DBT skills that you can look through if you’d like. Some of those you might be able to apply yourself, but it’s considered most helpful if you can learn them in a therapy setting, preferably some kind of group therapy. 

Can you maybe start by reaching out to one person? It doesn’t have to immediately be about what’s going on. By having stopped socialising you’ve been isolating yourself and that will only have a negative effect on your mental health. So to try to turn the pages, reach out to one person and try to stay in touch with them. Then one more. Or open up to one person about what’s been going on. Like I said, you don’t have to deal with this all by yourself! If there’s anything else we can be of help with, please let us know!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful Love Pauline

[iameverything]

A Conversation: Lost Under Heaven

“The Manchester duo Lost Under Heaven, or LUH, have never been keen on subtlety. Super-sized in every dimension, the music of former WU LYF leader Ellery Roberts and visual artist Ebony Hoorn sought grand answers about love and mortality by way of drastic melodies.”

First off, for people who dont know, who is Lost Under Heaven? Ebony Hoorn & Ellery James Roberts Collaborative life work.

The first time I heard of you guys was 'I&I' on the HBO show Ballers and I was hooked. I originally thought of bands like July Talk etc, where the voice coming from the person is a surprise, in a very fascinating and amazing way. Was there a moment you can remember when you (Ellery Roberts) realized you had such a unique voice? When I was young I found a cathartic uplift in singing as hard as I could, usually in response to the noise of the rest of what ever teenage band I was playing with, since then I’ve learned to control it, focus it, People always tell me my voice is unique, it’s just how it comes out, but these days I am singing quite differently, working on a softer croon. I have nothing to shout about anymore.

In regards to the previous question, whats it like to get your music featured on HBO Ballers and even Netflix 13 Reasons Why, among other content? How surreal is that? Its always strange to see a song that has quite specific meaning or ambiance to you, put in a totally different context, but that is also the beauty of creation, once you release something you never know what it may go on to inspire.

With how unique Ellery's voice is and than to be accompanied by the other beautiful voice that is Ebony, I am surprised your music isn't showing up in a lot of other content. I picture LUH having a song in a tv show as the intro in my opinion. How much longer until North American tv/movie productions start taking notice you think? Have you gotten any offers you turned down? We haven’t turned anything down, sure it would be nice to have some high level syncs, make cash flow easier and get the name out to a wider audience, but these things always come out of the blue… We enjoy narrative, atmosphere and an expansive sound in our song writing so it lends well to soundtracks. We are actually working on our first soundtrack for ‘8 days with hopper’ a feature film due in 2021, a really beautiful project that we are very excited to be a part of.

Before we dive into the bright future that is Lost Under Heaven, we gotta go back to the past. Before you (Ellery) joined Ebony for LUH, you started in a band called WU LYF, mindset wise, what was it like being in WU LYF vs LUH? And creatively how different was it? WU was a teenage jam band that got picked up on a wave of hype. I loved the creation of the record and feel it is a very genuine document of untamed youth, but after touring it for 18 months relationships soured and the joy, the fire was gone- trying to write the second record and growing in awareness to the state of the world I fell into a deep depression, I longed for a deeper life and my heart knew I needed to make a change. I broke the band up quite impulsively which I regret for it needlessly hurt those closest to me- but life moves on, wounds heal. creatively all the songs came out of 4 people jamming together for hours and hours- with LUH the process is much more focused, considered, I sit at a piano or with a guitar & write songs working with Ebony to produce them in a cinematic world of atmosphere and tension. I only miss WU LYF in the nostalgic way people miss their teenage years of wild abandon.

With endings come new beginnings.... Right before the end of WU LYFE, did you guys always know Lost Under Heaven was the next project in mind? And has it lived up to the expectations of what you pictured? Lost Under Heaven began when I moved to Amsterdam to live with Ebony, we were not really anticipating working together but it naturally came with me making music whilst she made her visual art in the same small apartment. We then started to have grande visions of what we could create together, we see LUH as a life work, ever evolving, a process thru which we can experiment with ideas and express our ever evolving level of consciousness.

You guys are just absolutely marvelous, I even went as far as calling you my favourite band of the last decade. You guys present not just new ideas, but new sounds and something I have not yet seen. You guys have such a unique vibe its insane. Have you guys ever been approached by any labels or music reps to change anything up significantly? And what do you think of artists doing that to get signed? Fortunately we both have always had a very clear idea of what we should be doing. We are ever motivated to create and have great gratitude that we are able to live this life. To be honest nobody’s ever really challenged us to change, the way in which we work is essentially D.I.Y so we just explore where ever the energy take us. We probably would benefit from some business management, but the blessing of doing everything yourself is you learn and grow at a high pace. As to other artists, each is own their own path and they have to live with themselves so I have no judgment- personally I have never compromised my art to get a wider appeal, or more success, I strive for soulful honesty- not just entertainment.

Little backstory: I was once standing on a beach somewhere in a middle of nowhere, and the beach was a temporary home, something to hide away in but it was only a band-aid of escape. In the mist of the sunset setting and nothing but ocean in the backdrop, your track Loyalty from the album Spiritual Songs for Lovers to Sing came on, and everything made sense in that moment. One of my favourite songs ever, hands down. Talk about what that song means to you guys? How did it come to be? Loyalty is one of my favorites, it was actually the first song Ebony sang on, the first time I really heard her voice- I wrote the cello part years ago, probably when I was a teenager and always had the idea to make an epic street hassle (Lou Reed) kinda record, but could never figure out how, then I came up with this guitar riff and sang along it all started to come together but I had no idea how the chorus should go, so I asked ebony to just play around and those line’s “we are going to sail away…” came out of it- perfect! yeah I love that song, we have never really been able to play it well live (with out a cello player!) so I haven’t heard it for a few years- but you made me want to revisit it now…

While we are on the topic of your first album, what was the song writing process for it vs your second album Love Hates What You Become? Would you say there was a difference creative wise between the two? Spiritual Songs was written in lots of little fragments over a couple of years (2012- 2015) I mostly wrote it on a piano and then straight into Ableton so its a lot more processed production, - Love Hates I wrote whilst we toured the 1st record in 2016- I had started playing guitar for the live band so I wrote nearly all the songs on 6 strings, I finished it up in a week in January 2017 so it was fast, focused- we produced the record with Jon Congleton in 3 weeks recorded and mixed, so it was all very fast- I felt the record to had a raw urgency, to keep us moving, keep the band on the road, but then the label stagnated the release schedule for 18 months and it kinda lost the energy, I am proud of the record- but it was quite a frustrating period, which I am happy to have behind us.

I've always wondered, with your album titles like Love Hates What You Become or  Spiritual Songs for Lovers to Sing, where do these ideas for album names come from? The Unified Field. I don’t know man, ideas arrive and you note them down and then months later they have meaning, that’s the way titles, lyrics most of what we do comes to be- I like walking around aimless, letting my mind roam, writing down anything that feels exciting

Speaking of creative, you guys recently left Mute Records to start your own label LUH International. What prompted this big change up? And in a nutshell what can we expect from these big changes? As eluded to earlier, after the release of Love Hates we had become frustrated by the slow and bloated process working within a label system can place on your creativity- We were looking for new way to work in the world with more intimacy and spontaneity, an opportunity had arisen with a de-centralised video platform called Vevue that enabled us to become financially independent for the foreseeable future- so we decided to make LUH.international formalised as an entity- to release our work, not necessarily a record label, I see it more as creative studio that will periodically make short run pressings of our projects- we are currently putting together the First, a book that consolidates our work on the Love Unite Humanity web series release via Vevue.

What advice can you give someone who would want to start up their own record label? Patience, perseverance and maintain a level of success consciousness- law of attraction vibes.

You guys are not just starting your own record label, but developing original content (and music) titled Love Unites Humanity (Episode zero here) and will be featured on the video platform Vevue. In saying all that, what does this project mean for you guys? And how will this take Lost Under Heaven onto the next level? Love Unites Humanity brings together a lot of our thoughts and experiences over the last few years, I see it as a way of articulating our world view, thru artistic expression. It also provides us a free space to experiment, creating work quickly and immediately releasing it with no middlemen, the Vevue platform enables us to directly earn from our work with it token exchange economy.  

When can Canada expect to see LUH live in concert? ah man, I have no idea, we’d love to get over to you tho- perhaps some one reading this will want to make it happen.

5 rapid fire questions, give the answer that comes to mind first If you were not called Lost Under Heaven what else would you want to be called? Ebony & Ellery James and their Famous Flames Best venue to play in? The White Hotel, Manchester Favorite current song? ROSALÍA - Juro Que  Best underrated artist? So many but my today I say, Kali Malone Favorite song that is your own? Here Our Moment Ends or Black Sun Rising

Cover photo by Chris Almeida

[englishfrensh]

Chapitre 2

Austin: I am already done my morning workout.

Austin:What happened here?

Mother:Oh wiliam, i knocked over one of the paint cans ! I knew that was going to happen

Father: Honey, i have to finish painting this staircase,potential buyers need to see it. In all its glory

Mother:That won't help, let the buyers decide what to do with it.

Austin: Mom, dad, what buyers are u talking about?

I promised i'd repair the hall, and the staircase too right after.

I have to take care of the disaster first, clean up the paint and put away the can.....

....

Austin:it looks like the paint is all gone ! It a good thing the bookcase didn't get splattered, look at all this books. There's even a complete Butlers Herald collection.

Austin : Dad, don't you worry the bookcase might collapse soon? I can put in a new one.

Dad: The bookcase work just fine for me, there isn't much room, but i can put so many things on top, and on the floor next to it.

Austin: i guess chaos and messes are just part of dad's life now.

I am sure life wilk be much better once he has a new bookcase

Austin: the old wallpaper spoils the view too.. I think it was hung before i was ever born. So the wallpaper is a must. So wallpaper is a must !lets makes this hall nice and cozy so my parents will reconsider selling the room.

Dad: you ordered a new bookcase even after we talked? I told u i was fine with the old one...

Dad :Is that beech? Nice wood.. Smells good too, the shelves are spacious... And the books look great. All right ! I can stay i guess there's no point returning it's to the store

Austin: i am glad we didn't listen to my dad, the new bookcase transformed this area, and he's happy, well done by us.

We are't done yet? Something's missing here...

Of course, i say we lay a new rug in front of the armchair, so dad's feet don't get cold during the long winter nights

The wallpaper ia great,is looks good enough for magazines

We aren't finished yet, but it definetly worth half spread

Let's wallpaper the rest of the room.

So much better,huh? Now the walls looks modern and don't feel embarassed about inviting friends over.

It time to take care of the floor.

Mother : what are u going to do with the floor. ? There'is nothing wrong with this.

Dad :If u have anything to do, you can catalog my collection of toys cars or organize my business cards alphabeticaly

Austin : Mon, Dad !can't you see humongous cracks? Walking on this parquet will put u in the hospital.

Dad: Nonsense ! The floor is absolutly fine, it'll last for handred years. Let me show u...

Mom: oh, Wiliam, are u okay?

Dad : i am fine, but the floor isn't....anymore.

Austin, Mom, Dad, don't worry, i will fix the floor, trust me. The floor will never let u down again.

Fantastic, the floor 50 years younger.

You know, the floor brings back on many memories.

Something you'd go to the kitchen and hear it squeak, almost as if it was complaining about its life

And that's the board i used to hide my treasure when i was a kind, baseball cards and superbuttler comic books

The floor turned out great, even, beautiful and most important.

Dad won't be making any more holes in it.

Dad : a rug ? Why do i need one ? I've always been fine whithout one. Austin : dad, armchairs should always have a rug next to them. That's we were laught at the Institute of modern Butlers. Take a seat and enjoy.

Dad : okey, okey, but i don"t understand what it's ll change.

Dad : Not bad, soft and cozyi think i will stay here a little longer to read the paper.Austin, can u move the lamp stand a bit closer ?

Austin : oups, looks like just dead....dad don't worry, we will fix the lighting situation.let's install wall light in the book corner.

Look at dad's corners now, cozy and bright.

Dad : hear that Austin,Mike butler bought an island. In the hebrides, that s the life.

By the way where exactly is the hebride ? .

Austin: Maybe exactly next a old hebride.

Wiliam : i'll go to look it up in the encyclopedia.

Austin : We should get a globe. He loves staying on of what's going on in the word.and a globe is more interactive to an encyclepedia.

It turns out a new hebrides are near Australia. Where made me think ylthey were off thz Florida Coast ?

That's because we didn't have a globe Austin.

So in 1848, ships named the Terror were icebound near king Wiliam's island,were is it that ?

The armchair is a dinosaur and like all dinosaur, it belongs in the history books. You want to know what we'll remplace it with. Oh i thought of a gift that would be the perfect finishing touch !

No. Don t even ask me. I'm silent at the grave. Let'll be a surprise for u too.

Dad : A rocking chair ! I'm speachless , son, i've been wanting one for so long...oh u made me so happy.

Austin : wouldn't yu agree that this whole reading area is must cozier ? Maybe you w'll reconsider selling the house now ?

Dad : what.. Are u trying to bribe me with this rocking chair ? It's that's the case. I can't accept it.

Austin : how could say something like that ? The chair is my present to u. I hoped that all the changes in the hall would change your mind.

Dad : i dont know.. I feel bad selling the house. We've lived here our whole life. And now this gergeous book corner...on the other hand, one redone part doesn't fix the whole hall. So, i'm sorry son. Thanks for the rocking chair, i'll take it whith me to our new apartement when we sell the house

Austin : Such a shame ! I really thought, i could make dad change his mind.

It not over yet, i can still get the work on mom

It's so late tonight but tomorrow let's start bright and early in her favourit spot, the lounge area !

Today just flew by. Lets go to sleep.

Three hours later...

Mother : Austin, darling.. Time to wake up.

Austin : Please just five more minutes.

Mother : No my dear, the new owner is here and its time to leave. We already have everything packed up. It's just u and your parrot left.

Austin : what are u talking about ? What owner ?

Dad : you dont remember, we sold the house yesterday

Austin : this can be hapenning !!!! Nooooo