#this is the most personal thing i've ever written i am Afraid

[intothemertensverse]

Thanks for tagging me! :)

How many works do you have on AO3?

118

What's your total AO3 word count?

1,507,734

Your top 5 stories by kudos:

Gustave Daae's Daughter

Pilgrim Soul

The Nanny

A Love There Is No Cure For

The World's More Full of Weeping Than You Can Understand

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I eventually respond to comments because I love reading the comments and would like to talk with my readers but I am also very socially awkward and shy with not great time management skills, so there's often a delay :')

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Eggs and Toast. It's the only phic of mine so far to take place *after* the canon Events of LND. Echo In This whisper was also pretty angsty

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

I feel like they (almost) all end up pretty happy tbh! Maybe Tread Softly was slightly happier than most

Do you write crossovers?

The closest thing to a crossover I'll probably write is Like a Wheel, Like a Wind, which is a PotO au set in the Stephen King multiverse. Other than that, I mostly do AU mashup versions as opposed to actual crossovers (ie Evita au where Christine *is* Evita, not an au where Evita and Christine both exist)

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

hmmmm :') fun fact: ffn does Not remove comments from fics, regardless of what the comment says :0 I received direct hate and even some personal accusations over my portrayal of an ace Erik, which was super interesting because the person in question then proceeded to continue to read and subscribe to my other stories lmao. I also got some bigoted comments over ace headcanons in more private settings as well, even from "allies". Someone got very flustered over the singular gay Erik I wrote once. Gustave Daae's Daughter got some upset comments because it was... a lil darker than what I normally write. Someone had an absolute fit over Christine's choices in Pilgrim Soul in a way that was slightly funny looking back at it ^^; That said, I've also received so many touching and wonderful comments that remind me why I write <3

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

this is a constant source of disagreement between me and my beta reader ahaha I would say "no" and she would. point to the many Scenes :''') I do have occasional explicit moments in my stories, but I don't consider it smut necessarily as the Scenes aren't the main focal point, and the explicitness of them is usually to (try to) convey something other than eroticism. If the thing I'm trying to convey (awkwardness, vulnerability, shame, desire, angst, being conflicted, etc) would be showcased well by an explicit moment, I'll include it to an extent. Otherwise, no

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of, though I'm sure with all the AI scraping etc it's gone... somewhere

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, several! I get why some don't like it, but I love seeing my stuff in other languages and as long as someone asks first and links back to me I think it's really cool!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not exactly! But Rat au and Gremlin au were both originally made in close collaboration with/big inspiration from Ms_Myth, in fact she even wrote a rat au prequel! I've written a few things based off of prompts others have come up with, too, and those phics are typically gifted to the person on ao3

What's your all-time favourite ship?

Erik and Christine

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I would like to think I will finish them all, one day :') I do have a few aus I've shelved for various reasons tho

What are your writing strengths?

Angst lol.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I misspell "Christine" twelve different ways and at this point I can't tell the difference ;-; Pacing can also be a struggle

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

LotR or Star Wars, but both are so expansive and I'm afraid if I get started in them I won't finish my poto wips... So maybe one day, idk. A ship I'd like to write is Erik/Carlotta lol

What's your favourite fic that you've written?

This is so hard to choose lol omg. I'm currently really enjoying my hotel au, which is only an unpublished wip at the moment except for this. But as far as finished/published stuff, I'm going to have go with Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Fanfiction Author Interview Game

Thank you @brendadaaedestler for the tag!

How many works do you have on AO3?

30 as it stands!

What's your total AO3 word count?

591,986

Your top 5 stories by kudos:

Sticky Notes and Serendipity // collab with @brendadaaedestler // Erik/Christine long-fic // 224 kudos

Say You'll Share With Me // oneshot collection, mostly Erik/Christine // 143 kudos

Our Little Home // oneshot // Erik/Christine // 139 kudos

Starting Fresh // twoshot // Erik/Christine // 99 kudos

my heart is home when my hand is in yours // oneshot collection, collab with @brendadaaedestler // mostly Erik/Christine // 83 kudos

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I always do! I love seeing readers interacting with my fics and sharing what they enjoyed about them, and I always want to show my appreciation for those comments. The only reason I wouldn't is if I missed it somehow or if my frequent co-author has beaten me to the punch and replied already.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

It's probably Sleep So Long Awaited, which is a play on the end of LND where Erik dies instead of Christine. It's sad, it's got sad Gustave, a moment of peace between Erik and Raoul, and...well, Erik dies. It's not a happy story.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

I would definitely say Sticky Notes and Serendipity! The epilogue hasn't gone up yet, but it's super fluffy and sweet, and the entire fic just came to such a happy, wonderful ending. You'll see what I mean on Saturday 😉

Do you write crossovers?

I don't, no. I might write fics inspired by another piece of media, but I wouldn't think I would ever write a proper crossover.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not direct hate? I once received some criticism that was DM'd to me that was definitely not asked for and unnecessary, so that sucked. It was really a big blow to me, and I considered taking down that fic after receiving that comment because it made me super insecure about the entire format of the fic. It came from a person who had been very supportive of my stories for a long time, which made it even worse. Thankfully, my best friend convinced me not to take the fic down, and my critic has now been exposed for not being a good person, so it all worked out in the end.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I don't write it and I won't be writing it.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yep, I have had my fics scraped and posted on other websites at least twice, either by bots or by another user.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have not! Someone offered to translate Like Father, Like Son, but my coauthor on that story was not keen on the idea. It's something I would have to consider because I think I would worry too much about my style and plans for the story being lost in translation and I wouldn't be able to really tell. I wouldn't totally write it off, though!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Ohhhh yes! Like Father, Like Son was my first collaboration, and I write probably about half of my fics these days with my best friend @brendadaaedestler. We have something in the works for NaNoWriMo as we speak!

What's your all-time favourite ship?

Definitely Erik/Christine, I love writing with them and reading about them so very much.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

It's not one that I don't think I will ever finish, but I think it will be a while before No Need For Goodbyes ever gets finished. I would love to go back to it, but I've been away from that cast of characters for so long that it can be hard to slip back in. My coauthor also no longer has the time to work on it with me, and it is a very time-consuming project, so I'm not sure when I will get back to it.

What are your writing strengths?

I think that dialogue is definitely my strength. It comes very easily to me and it's something that I always enjoy getting to write.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Getting lost in the dialogue! Sometimes I get so caught up in what the characters are saying and the emotions that they're expressing that the writing can get dialogue-heavy. I always have to make a conscious effort to include scene descriptions, settings, and descriptions of the character's bodies and expressions.

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

This is an interesting question that I honestly don't think about a ton lol? I've always been pretty content writing Phantom fic and don't really have the inspiration to jump into other fandoms. Shipwise, I've only written sporadic Meg/Erik fic and only a long time ago, so that one could be fun to explore. There is angst there.

What's your favourite fic that you've written?

It was Like Father, Like Son for the longest time because it was my first Phantom of the Opera fic, my first long fic, I loved the characters, etc. I'm still super proud of that story, but I think Sticky Notes and Serendipity takes the cake. It's my first true multi-chapter fic since LFLS, and I can just see how much my style has changed, how much my writing has improved, and it makes me feel really good about myself. I am in love with the versions of the characters that we wrote, and getting to work so much with Erik's anxiety and making it feel so authentic was a crowning achievement for me. Also, seeing all of the love for the story that Chloe and I have written together makes me feel so amazing. Sticky Notes is my favourite for so many reasons.

Tagging: @starlitexpress @intothemertensverse @sloanedestler @ablatheringblatherskite @shinyfire-0 @paperandsong @jennyfair7 and anyone else who wants to play!

[thinkinonsense]

i just listened to sabrina's new album and oh my god the song slim pickins is such a song that was written from daydreaming about lumberjack!logan, oh and the recent fic that you reblogged was just so yummy and perfect for that song especially the lyrics "a boy who's jacked and nice" like god having to settle down for less because nobody can be him 😭😭😭 need him expeditiously im afraid

it's slim pickins

lumberjack!logan howlett x fem!reader

cw: yearning!! fluff, tiny nsfw conversation (nothing graphic)

a/n: this request couldn't have come in at a better time because i'm seeing sabrina on opening night of her tour tomorrow night!! <3

masterlist

"am i just destined to be alone forever?"

another friday night in the hole in the wall bar outside of town. another date gone horribly wrong. your question hangs heavy in the air as you gossip to your best friend who's bartending tonight.

"you keep picking douche bags." she answers without missing a beat.

"well, that's fuckin' rude." you slur slightly, sipping on your third fruity drink tonight.

"well, it's fuckin' true." she smiles, looking over your shoulder at a group of men that walked in. "why don't you go talk to one of them? they look hot."

you spin around in your stool to see a group of lumberjack workers. these were the men that you worked with, you can't flirt with them.

"i work with those guys!" you hiss.

"sooo...?" she smirks.

both of you quickly end the conversation with the five guys approach the bar. the last thing you needed was for these guys to see the desperate and pathetic look on your face. quickly, you rummage through your purse for some cash to put down.

"what are you doing here, doll face?" a familiar voice asks.

you look up and see the most handsome of the men, in front of you; logan. twice your size, buff, toned, tan... god, you had such a crush on him. never in a million years would you go after him though, he's too good to want a girl like you. you were just a friend. he make small talk with you, laughed at your jokes, calls you little nicknames, and refills the coffee pot for you but thats what friends do, right?

"oh... um, i'm just-"

"she's been sitting here moaning and bitching to me all night about her horrible date." your best friend smiles then introduces herself to logan with a handshake.

"thanks asshole." you mumble under your breath at her, making logan chuckle.

"tough night?" he asks, looking down at you in a way that makes heat rises up your face.

"kinda, but i'll save you all the gory details." you admit, sliding off the tall stool a little ungracefully. "have a good night, logan."

"wait, doll face." he says, grabbing your arm to balance you. "wanna talk about it? i'm sure your friend here is busy."

the alcohol let him take you to one of the booths. all the other men noticed logan and you sitting together, definitely making mental notes to tease you both on monday.

"so, what's on your mind?" logan asks, taking a swig of his beer.

"it's nothing really..." your mouth says one thing but your phone says another; practically buzzing off the table.

"you sure?" he raises a brow.

"uh... yeah?" you sound confused as you peak at the notification. an annoyed groan falls from your lips as you slam the phone back down and sink into the booth. "why? why? why?"

"why what?" he squints.

"be honest, do i have dumbass written on my forehead?" you sigh, hazily looking over at logan. the question threw him off guard; unsure if you're joking or not.

"no." he answers.

" well, i sure feel like one. every guy i've gone out with is either the most obnoxious asshole i've ever met who's still hung up on his ex or he's absolutely perfect but he's just not ready for a commitment right now? what the fuck does that even mean?"

all of your drunk rambling surprised logan. at work, he's only seen your shy personality as you scribble down numbers and log them into spreadsheets. this was a completely different side of you.

"i know what you're thinking, 'why not just try dating a woman?'. well, i fucking would if this town wasn't stuck in the 50's, except the men aren't going to war in order to get away from you, instead they just run back in between their ex's thighs and pull that 'it's not you, it's me' bullshit."

it was getting harder for logan not to crack at your silly yet, adorable expressions as you rant.

"and the worst part is that they can't even get a woman to orgasm." you say a little quieter. logan stores that quote in his pocket for another time. "a few weeks ago, i literally had a man in my bed who didn't know the difference between their, there, and they're! i don't know who's stupider, him for not knowing or me for letting him give me the worst head in my life."

if you were even a little sober, this would be mortifying. sitting in front of your work crush and spilling pathetic details of your love life to him. if you were even a little sober, you would have notice his eyes turn dark and lustful under the dim bar lighting. logan couldn’t fathom that you were having trouble in your love life.

"sounds like it's slim pickins out there."

"you have no idea." you sigh.

"if it makes you feel any better, i don't think that you're stupid."

"you're just saying that to be polite. trust me, everyone thinks i'm an idiot for taking these guys back every time. im just like my mom, my sisters, my friends, and every other girl i know. we make up excuses for their shitty behavior because we are afraid to be alone."

logan could see tears forming in your waterline, about to roll down your cheek. it hurt him to see you so heartbroken over these losers. everyday at work, you came in like a ray of fucking sunshine. you didn't deserve to be treated like this.

"it's not your fault that those asshole don't know how to treat a woman." he sighs, leaning forward in an attempt to comfort you.

"i know, i know..." your voice was cracking and you didn't want logan to see you so vulnerable. suddenly, you rise from the booth. "thanks for listening, logan."

"where do you think you're going, doll face?" he asks, following you out the door.

"should head home." you mumble, pulling up the number of a car service about twenty minutes out.

"let me give you a ride home." he offers. "you've been drinking too much."

it's late, you're exhausted and heartbroken so, you let him help you into his truck. it's kinda old but full of character, like logan.

"what's going on in that pretty head of yours?" logan asks, breaking the silence in the car. "still sad?"

you shrug. "think i'm just going to become a nun."

he tried, he really did, but he had to laugh.

"sweetheart, there's no need to become a nun."

"well, i'm never going to find the man i'm looking for so, might as well join the sisterhood."

"what are you looking for in this dream man?"

logan's question has your eyes wondering over to where his left hand sets on the wheel and his right on thigh. the images of what his hands could do flood your fuzzy mind.

"j-just a good guy who's um, who's kind, jacked... respectful, good with his hands...."

it was shameless, your staring that is. logan worried you might get drool on the car seat, not that he would mind.

"hm... those seem like simple requirements there."

"apparently not." you giggle. "it's fine, though. i'm sure the nuns will be friendly."

"still thinking about joining the 'sisterhood'?" he asks, pulling up to your drive way.

"maybe... i'll give it twenty-four hours and if he doesn't come knocking on my door, i'll just buy a chasity belt and go off the grid with the nuns." your smile warmed his cold bitter heart. "thanks for the ride, lo. i'll see you monday."

as logan watches you fumble with your keys and make your way inside, he fights an internal battle over his feelings. he has had a crush on you since the day the two of you first met. by the end of the week, you had baked him some cupcakes, babbling about how you do this for all the new employees, which was far from the truth he later learned.

you captured his heart. even when he tried to burry his feelings for you, when logan looked at you, his world stood still for a moment. he looked forward to all your silly jokes in the break room or the ridiculous gossip you would tell him when he lingered outside of your office door. he couldn't let you slip away into the arms of another asshole who didn't deserve you.

before logan could comprehend what he was doing, his feet lead him up to your door, knocking twice. the wooden door opened and he knew he made the right decision.

there you were in your light blue and grey plaid pajamas with a cupcake in your hand and vanilla frosting on your bottom lip. logan had never seen you look prettier.

"hey? did i leave something in the–"

in the blink of an eye, logan’s hands reach up to caress your jaw, leaning in until his mouth engulfs yours. the taste of vanilla and alcohol surrounded both of you. forgetting the cupcake in your hand, dropping it to reach up and pull logan closer. kissing him was like drinking a glass of wine after a long day. no more stress or anxiety over anyone else’s bullshit. the two of you gasp against each others lips, catching your breath.

“i could be the good guy, you know?” logan pants, now forever addicted to your taste. “i could be the good guy for you.”

your heart fluttered as you stared up at his pretty hazel eyes, twirling a piece of his hair around your finger. this had to be a very realistic dream, thats the only answer to this.

“you would do that for me, logan?” your delicate voice could bring him to his knees, worshiping the ground you walk on.

“i would do anything for you, honey.” he whispers, leaning back in to kiss you again. maybe your dream guy wasn't as far away as you thought?

[hazzyking]

I have head cannons, or I think that's what they're called. This is the most I've written since I was in high school, which I can't believe was 5 years ago. Thanks, live action one piece. And Buggy simps. If it wasn't for you all, I wouldn't be writing as much as I am today 🙏🏻🤡

Buggy Body Part Headcanons

Okay, so the thing I like about Buggy is that even if he's not immeadatley near you, he can still be there. Example's:

Leaving you his dick, honestly, I feel like he'd do it as a joke expecting you to be Creeped out and never thinking you'd ever use it. And then, much like the fanfic, using it at the worst possible time

I can see him being involved in talking to someone on the ship. Then, he sees you, so he removes his hands and goes to grabs your ass from far away.

And in a fluffier fashion if your afraid of heights he'll offer you his hand to hold when you walk down the stairs or if your walking down a ladder or climbing his hand will be placed on your butt to offer you that support. And even though it's not attached to his body, it supports you well.

If you had a rough day he'll leave an ear behind so you can talk his ear off (literally) while he's working. He'd much rather be in person but this is for when he can't be with you fully.

In the morning, if he wakes up first, he will remove his head and leave his body behind so that way he doesn't wake you. This is important because I feel like he's not a fan of separating his head from his body.

To spice things up he will leave stupid parts of him behind like his hand and you'll be like "what the hell am I supposed to do with this" and then when night time comes you'll know exactly why he left it 🥴

Honestly, him leaving parts like his head or his hand or his dick is fine for me to imagine. But when it's smaller things like his ear or his lips is weird to me. But I had this cute thought like what if he suddenly had the urge to kiss you, but he couldn't get to you fast enough so his lips just float on over and kiss your hand or cheek

I can see at the beginning of your relationship with Buggy. Him leaving parts of himself behind specifically to bring you comfort is unsettling at first and probably started off as a joke but as the two of you continue together it becomes more normal and comforting to a point where if he leaves and "forgets" to leave you with any part of him, you get all upset. And he won't show it. But he will come to regret it too.

[doctorcurdlejr]

Niko!! what'd you think of I saw the tv glow. I finally saw it last night and noticed you posting about it so I wanted to know your thoughts :)

Levi!!! I was JUST wondering what you were thinking about the movie after I saw you posting about it as well... we are so media discussion pilled in this way, it's awesome. ANYWAYS I've had so many thoughts since I first saw it and I've been trying to turn them into something coherent for a little bit now.

Ummm okay I have written 1k+ words about this movie, the suburbs, and escapism via teen TV.... clearly I was dying for somebody to ask this I guess so thank you for indulging me <3

First and foremost, I absolutely loved it! I've seen it twice now and the first time I watched it I got to see Jane Schoenbrun talk about the film right after. I already really liked it from that first watch alone. I found it so deeply relatable to my experiences - both in terms of growing up gay and trans, but where I am now in my 20s trying to navigate adulthood. Hearing what Schoenbrun had to say really cemented my feelings and thoughts about the film.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a big influence on the movie (it's why Amber Benson makes a cameo as Johnny Link's mom). Even though I don't have the same emotional link to Buffy since I never watched it, I recognize it as the same type of warmth I experienced growing up with Riverdale. When Owen says he feels like his insides have been scooped out but that he's too afraid to look and have that wrongness everybody knows is there be confirmed, Maddy simply responds "Maybe you're like Isabel. Afraid of what's inside you." Tears forming but not falling, breathing shallowly, I grabbed the paper and pen the theater keeps at the seats for people to order food with and wrote that line down - the slip of paper is still somewhere in my car. Writing it now almost feels lame in its simplicity, but it felt like my insides were being flayed open.

During the director discussion, Schoenbrun talked a little bit about this idea of how truly fucking bizarre it is to grow up in the suburbs. Like, when we think about the pinnacle of normality in American culture, it's the image of middle-class cis-hetero-white suburbia. At the same time, despite this cultural dream of normality, everybody is hyper-aware that the suburbs are one of the least normal things ever. So, the ACTUAL cultural understanding of it is that it's where we go to, like, passively kill ourselves (*George Costanza voice* WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY YOU KNOW!). This idea isn't new, I mean there are so many films and shows about navigating that specific bizarre dissonance from Rebel Without a Cause to Heathers to Twin Peaks. Probably half the pre-teen to teen TV I watched obsessively growing up, stuff like Strange Days at Blake Holsey High, Making Fiends, Truth or Scare, and eventually Riverdale, were never shy about being weird and morbid and saying "yes, the suburbs are exactly as bizarre and lethal in the ways you can already feel in your bones at 13." I Saw the TV Glow does a really good job of keying not only into that mental dissonance but more specifically into how those of us who have felt so intrinsically weird and different and wrong fell back on these shows like they were capable of doing the emotional version of a rescue breath maneuver after being drowned.

In high school, if there were two things about me that any person who even vaguely knew me could list off it was that I watched Riverdale, and I was a lesbian - and I was mocked more for the Riverdale. At that age, I was, without a doubt, the most miserable I have ever felt in my life. I rarely left the house because my family lived in a development that made me want to scratch my skin off when I walked out our front door. Owen didn't leave the house for days, afraid Maddy could somehow force him out. I sobbed constantly and frequently to depressing indie rock on the floor of my closet while hoping my family would just once read the (honest to god) KEEP OUT poster plastered on my door since I didn't have a lock on it. Owen didn't leave his room for days, afraid of what Maddy recognized in him. I didn't go on dates and kept my chest binder shoved to the bottom of my bookbag while wearing dresses that could've come from a how-to-be the perfect 50s housewife manual. Owen didn't leave his bed for days, afraid of Maddy touching his neck and Isabel's dress. I also watched Riverdale with the kind of zeal you see in a Pentecostal who has found God and started speaking in tongues to let you know it. I own a button that says, "Don't Make Me Go Dark Betty On You," I cherish it in a way that is only achieved by knowing exactly how corny and trite it is and then moving straight past that because well actually, and most people wouldn't get this, she's holding back something deeply dark and wild and- and disgusting. something painful yet intrinsically her. but i get it, obviously. or maybe not obviously! hopefully not obviously, but- basically, I'm just saying I get it: the experience of reflection and recognition through the other and all that.

Whatever, the point is that this movie is one big glaring trans allegory about how it sucks dog shit to live in the suburbs, and even at our most repressed we find these little snow globes of actualization in the glow of a tv screen that isn't afraid to show you the world you see. I've seen some people say that, like, in this context accepting or coming into your transness is this monumental death of self, which I get, but I feel there lacks a nuance in that because either way Owen is dying. Unlike Maddy who buries herself alive only to come out renewed, Owen doesn't kill himself upon facing the reality that the world is constructed to keep him miserable and the only way out is to take back what it is that the world wants to keep scooped out of him. Instead he just passively lets it drag him to a much more permanent death. This lack of suicide sucks in the kind of way that forces you to sit in your car on the midnight drive home and think to yourself am I letting myself suffocate because at some point knowing the misery became less scary than admitting I've been capable of doing something about it the whole time?

Clearly, I’ve been enchanted by the film’s narrative and meta-textual language. If you're familiar with it, you can see how Schoenbrun built this movie like a long-form dream episode of a canceled teen show filmed in Vancouver. Lynchian? Yeah, sure. Riverdalesque? THIS we cannot possibly deny. Schoenbrun said they included Amber Benson as an act of healing the inner rage experienced at Tara’s death in Buffy. This is a Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa ending Riverdale with a bisexual polycule after his gay Archie play got ceased-and-desisted type move. There’s probably more I could say about the soundtrack and the visuals, but I’ve hit over 1k words on this, so I’ll leave it at I enjoyed this movie a lot. :)

Maddy is an out lesbian who left town to escape the misery and found it strapped to her ankles. She slinks out, an animal pressed against the gymnasium floor, and says "I'm not telling you anything you don't already know." Owen looks into the camera and narrates. He cuts himself open with a box cutter, fully acknowledges what's there, and the movie ends with his suffocating apology parade for the unremarkable inconvenience of his excruciating suffering. You can be gay and trans, you can know it and you can stop repressing it, but you're not going to stop suffocating until you can find a way to destroy the part of you that truly deeply does want to die, reaching for the comforting euthanasia of normalcy. Stop visiting the dream of the life you want and make it into your reality with the same kind of unrepentant conviction seen in some underfunded but wildly ambitious teen television series. In other words: you must try to survive the ego death of being weird. A weirdo, who doesn't fit in and doesn't want to fit in!

[becauseimanicequeen]

My Semi-Coherent Thoughts About Let Free the Curse of Taekwondo So Far (ep. 1-6)

This is a response to some asks I got after this week's ep. 5 and 6, and some additional thoughts from me. I'll mostly throw some random points out there because I've been living in right-brain-land for most of this week (or weeks? What's time anyway, eh?), so being coherent seems like too much of a challenge right now, lol. But this post needs to be written so I can stop thinking about it and focus on something else.

Let's start with two Anons who dropped into my inbox with comments of the same context: that Dohoi was an asshole and that I wouldn't be able to defend him anymore...

Clearly, Anons, you seemed to have completely missed the point of my previous posts where I said I was neutral (I still am) and refused to go into a discussion about taking sides because that's not where the interesting bits are (not for me, anyway).

I'm on both their sides and on no one's side.

Juyeong and Dohoi have both made mistakes:

Juyeong lied about Dohoi's dad abusing him

Dohoi pretended to not know about it

Juyeong chose to stand up to Dohoi's dad even though he knew that man was a violent piece of shit

Dohoi called the police, afraid he wouldn't be able to focus on his exam, but he couldn't focus anyway

None of them communicated any of this to the other in the past

Etc.

To say that Dohoi is the asshole while Juyeong is an angel is completely ignoring an important point: nothing is ever black or white. (Yes, this is just fiction, but it's a realistic piece of fiction that shows this very point.)

Also, to think that only one of them has/does suffer is a very one-sided way of looking at it. To be fair, it's easy to fall into that trap since we're getting a lot of Juyeong's pov at the moment while Dohoi's story is still kept in the dark.

But imagine how much of a self-sabotager you are for choosing to push away people who love you because you inherently believe that you will never be good enough or will never be worthy of love. Dohoi has been in so much pain for such a long time it's familiar to him. It takes years, decades, maybe even a whole lifetime to climb out of a hole like that. And he might've been able to do that on his own if Juyeong hadn't shown up at the funeral and reminded him of all the things from the past once again.

One of the Anons then proceeded to list all the ways Juyeong was abandoned and that Dohoi did the exact same thing to him, which made Dohoi even more of an asshole...

I can't help but wonder if we've seen the same show.

Because Dohoi was abandoned too.

They’re both dealing with abandonment issues.

None of them had present parent growing up

Juyeong was adopted, which will always be a wound for him (and being adopted by those kinds of parents didn’t make it any better)

I can’t quite remember if they mentioned that Dohoi’s mom died or left but, either way, both can lead to abandonment issues (especially when a child is forced to go through it)

Then we have Hyeonho who turned from Dohoi's friend to his bully (again, Dohoi was abandoned)

When shit went down in the past, Juyeong left with his parents, and while that was a valid reason, it was yet another person who left Dohoi (which, to be fair, made Dohoi indirectly responsible since he called the police)

And then Juyeong was abandoned by Dohoi who went radio silent for years

They are both dealing with abandonment issues. Just because the show, at this point, is mostly focusing on the effects of Dohoi abandoning Juyeong doesn’t mean Dohoi wasn’t abandoned as well. Because he was. It’s mentioned and shown in subtle ways throughout the show.

Being abandoned can be a huge trauma for a person (especially for kids who don't have the tools to deal with important people leaving or dying). And we all have different trauma responses, which I think is another interesting point of this show:

Juyeong’s trauma response is to fight (he did so when he stood up for Dohoi against the bullies in the past, when he chose to stand up against Dohoi’s dad, but also when he physically punched a teacher)

Dohoi’s trauma response is flight (he tried to ignore that Juyeong was abused by his dad, he never put up a fight even when he was beaten by the bullies, he left after he threatened his dad with a knife, etc.)

None of those is a "better"/"worse" response

These characters are both traumatized for fuck's sake

And, the thing is, we've seen time and time again that the last thing Dohoi wants is to fight. He reacts even to the mere mention of it.

Juyeong fighting (even though it's never physical with Dohoi) won’t give him the results he wants from Dohoi.

And Juyeong, who was abandoned by his birth parents, adopted by a couple who didn't seem to want him anyway, and might think that no one ever fought for him, will always be hurt by Dohoi avoiding things.

They are each other's opposites even though they're dealing with a similar type of trauma.

And they won’t be able to be happy with each other (or with themselves, which is, honestly, more important) until they deal with their own trauma.

(Also, I don’t know about you, but Hwang Daseul choosing to use these contrasting trauma responses for these boys is fucking genius to me because there's so much potential for angst, which we've gotten a whole 3-course meal of. I'm well fed at this table and I won't be leaving any time soon, lol.)

One of the Anons also briefly mentioned Dohoi's old home and how he should just sell it to Juyeong because it was the only place where Juyeong was happy, and I...

*Sigh*

I'll have to admit that this was the first time in the show that my neutrality was tested because... If you can watch the following scene without feeling empathy for Dohoi, you're (no judgment) colder than me (a certified ice queen):

Imagine going back to the place where you were abused all those years. Dohoi took one look at the place, and his past traumas and emotions about what happened came pouring back. I'm not surprised he wants to sell it. Hell, if I was him, I'd want to decimate the place. But, instead, he has to deal with Juyeong wanting to buy it even though Juyeong knows what went down in that house.

If Juyeong wants to keep it "as is" to make sure Dohoi doesn't regret selling the place, Juyeong is delulu. If he wants to buy it and build something new, that's different. But we don't know what he wants yet. We don't really know why he's so intent on buying the place (other than not wanting Dohoi to regret it).

Either way, that whole situation made me feel a bit weird about Juyeong. Buying the place where the person you loved experienced trauma? What the actual fuck? And I'm not surprised that Dohoi is feeling some kind of way about it (and if he still thinks it's because Juyeong feels some kind of loyalty or guilt towards his dad, that's so fucking sad).

I do think the place is important to the rest of the story, though. It's the place where theirs began. It's the place where they loved and lost and were abused. It's the place that contains the events they both need to reconcile and deal with before moving on.

Which leads me to my speculations of where this might be going in the last two episodes. Because I think Juyeong will take Dohoi to his old home. Especially since the search history on the GPS in the car he rented included it.

That place will always be an open wound for them until they deal with the past, so Dohoi can stop running from it and Juyeong can stop living in it.

It was also the place where Dohoi's walls crumbled for the first time since the time jump, so Juyeong might think that's the best place to deal with the shit once and for all.

Walden Law Firm was also in the GPS search history, which is where Hyeonho works. My guess is that Juyeong has already gone to see Hyeonho when he meets up with Dohoi at the end of the 6th episode. Whatever might've gone down in that meeting (Juyeong saying Dohoi broke it off again, Juyeong demanding to know what happened with Dohoi during the past 12 years, Hyeonho spilling the beans, or whatever), it might be the reason why Hyeonho called Dohoi to say they needed to talk.

Then there's the biggest question of all the questions I have, which is about what happened to Dohoi during those 12 years. If Dohoi didn't graduate (at least not as an architect), how did he gain everything he now has?

In regards to college, I don't think it was anything more dramatic than him not managing to have the right results on the entrance exam. Math is an essential part of architecture, and we've already seen that math wasn't Dohoi's forte.

About his apparent wealth, though. As I mentioned before, I can't remember if they mentioned whether Dohoi's mom died or left. But, if she left, there might've been some inheritance if she eventually died, which could also be how he and Hyeonho met (since these things, more often than not, require lawyers).

If that's true, feeling that his wealth was "unearned" might be a reason he lied about the floorplans to that house. (Btw, I can't believe Juyeong didn't call Dohoi's bluff because I would've called him out on his bullshit so fucking fast, lol.)

I think it's also a part of his facade to pretend that he was okay all those years even though he was suffering (which I'm sure we'll see more of in the coming episodes).

But I also feel like there's something more. More to the reason he didn't study architecture and more to how he gained his wealth. And definitely more to what was going on between Dohoi and Hyeonho and how involved Hyeonho has been the past 12 years.

There's still so much of Dohoi's story to be revealed, and I can't wait to see it all unfold.

[hunter-sylvester]

Skullflower is Autistic: A Breakdown.

Buckle the fuck up.

Disclaimer: Don't take any of this too seriously.

Also all of this was written over a year ago with only minor edits. I'm just posting it now cause it's been rotting in my drafts and, like, fuck it.

I've wanted to try and make a comprehensive breakdown like this for a while just because I love these characters and very heavily interpret them all as autistic (with ADHD as well.) But this is just the perspective of one guy. And I probably overstate it but the fact that we can all have our own very personal interpretations about media is what's great about analysis & fandom.

Hunter Sylvester.

Yes I'm doing Hunter first, what do you think I am? Unbiased? Please.

Autistic Perfectionism. Hunter's autistic perfectionism is something I've mentioned before and somewhat struggle to describe satisfactorily. But to me the most obvious example is his inability to deal with the idea of Emily joining Skullfucker as a cellist. Obviously, there's the queer angle to this but I think two reasons can play a role at once. He's in love with Kevin so he doesn't want a girl that Kevin picked to be a part of their band. Additionally, I'd argue that he can't deal with the idea of having a girl cellist as their bass player because it in NO WAY fits the mental image that Hunter has in his mind of what he wanted Skullfucker to be. It doesn't match the perfect idea that he's dreamed of, that he holds onto for dear life, so he can't deal with it.

Hyperfixations. "Hunter's been into a lot of things since I've known him but he's stuck with metal longer than any of them." - Kevin. Need I say more? Well, I will anyway. The guy hyperfixates. I think the closest thing we have to a canon confirmed hyperfixation is Dungeons & Dragons. Because of what in my mind is a combination of Autism and ADHD in Hunter, they don't fully leave him. He still likes and plays D&D, but he's not as obsessed with it as he used to be when he made his dad buy him the most ridiculous game terrain that fucking lights up.

Special Interests. I think one of the easiest claims to make is that metal is a special interest for Hunter. He entrenches his entire life in it and reaches for it when a stressful situation happens to try and make himself feel more okay. (getting his hair cut off by Skip and relating his new look to Jason Newsted) It's clearly something that comforts him, having been obsessed with it ever since his mom left. Which, regardless of the specific circumstances, is a horridly stressful situation for any 12-13 year old.

Struggles with social interaction. He doesn't seem to have a lot of friends. He gets along with Robbie, Kevin (obviously) and the people he plays D&D with but that seems to be it. Especially whenever the situation gets very stressful, Hunter's mind immediately reaches for his comfort interest to try and make it through (or to lash out). He can't easily just be comfortable in a strange social situation. Or a strange situation in general.

Stims. Hunter stims by playing guitar. That's it, that's the whole point. And there's this little move:

Kevin Schlieb.

Neutrality. The way Kevin just takes Hunter and Emily as they are feels autistic to me.

Struggles with social interaction. And he clearly wants it to be easier for him. He wants to connect to people but he doesn't know how. It's not like he doesn't understand people. He does. He understands Hunter better than Hunter understands himself. "sometimes he's not so nice to people when he's uncomfortable" "You are afraid of everybody" "you treat everybody like shit and you make them hate you" But that understanding of how people think and work doesn't translate to his direct interactions with most of his peers. Maybe because he understands other neurodivergent people but not neurotypicals. The fact he does have a decent read on, at the very least, his best friend could also be indicative of the extra work Kevin has had to put in over the course of his life to try and understand people to begin with.

Directness. A lot of Kevin does feel direct to me. I suppose in a 'what you see is what you get' sort of way. He obviously has the whole protagonist thing going on which tends to end you up with pretty neutral, earnest and open characters.

Stims:

Emily Spector.

Gets overstimulated. Emily's outbursts could be attributed more to a struggle regulating her emotions. It's not a huge stretch to assume her mystery medication is a mood stabilizer. However, the idea of it being a combination of being overstimulated and then no longer being able to deal with her anger on top of the distress she's already feeling feels apt to me. This is a stretch, but, we only ever see her have outbursts at school. A nightmare environment for the stimuli sensitive. Emily is by far the character out of the main three we spend the least time with, which could easily explain my previous point away. We hardly see her out of school to begin with. But I think there can be merit in taking it as a part of the story, rather than an incidental effect of her being left by the wayside.

Black and white thinking. "So first you tell me that I should hate him, and now you want me to help him?" - Emily. No, he didn't say you should hate him, Emily. "You have every right to be mad- especially at Hunter!" - Kevin.

Directness. I mean she literally calls up Kevin to ask him if he wants to go fuck in a parking lot and more power to her. But it is very direct.

Struggles with social interaction. And apart from Skip & Co. having a particular hate-boner for Hunter, Emily might actually be the most widely ostracized for her lack of social finesse. Which would check out because society is brutally cruel to girls. Kevin is shown to have some positive interaction outside of the other two main characters, so is Hunter. And, yes, so is Emily. But it's only with the janitor of the school, who she is implied to have had previous interactions with. Having your only friend at school be the fucking janitor is not a neurotypical experience. I know I certainly got along easier with a handful of teachers than I did with my peers back when I was at school.

Whatever this is. Fam, I've BEEN there...but it's not neurotypical:

A 'little' note to end on: I want to state that I love all three of these character very dearly. I don't pretend that I don't have a favorite, but they are all amazing. There's various reasons why Metal Lords is such a comforting movie, but a big one, is that the characters act in a way that feels incredibly familiar. They act like me. They act like my autistic friends. We make weird facial expressions, we understand the world and each other through our interests. The way all of them talk feels so close to home. (The swearing is actually part of that. A lot of real people swear and over-censoring of that tends to bug me but that's kinda beside the point lmao)

[landoscaring]

landoscar fic masterlist

my amazing takes have garnered me a few new followers, so i thought i'd create a bit of a masterlist for the fics i've written for these two maniacs that perhaps you'd like to read, if you're so inclined (if not, that's okay! you can keep enjoying my frankly incredible takes, will buxton i am COMING for you in the cleanest of ways).

greet me with goodbye (completed, 3/3) (memory loss fic) (E)

Oscar is more than used to speed, for obvious reasons.

Speed has been a constant in his life, even as a child. His mom, embarrassingly, likes to tell people that as a kid he’d pretend to act like a car, revving up and down his house like a madman. He remembers his first karting competition, the confidence that flowed through his veins and the adrenaline of thinking he was the fastest 10-year-old to ever exist. He’s still confident, he has to be, in order to make it in this sport, but he’s had years to refine his technique, understand his car, and finesse his driving so he can achieve the speed he needs to win a race. His speed on track has earned him a spot in the most exclusive grid on the planet, a process that was fast-tracked itself when he made the move to McLaren, shocking the motorsport world as he did.

And yet.

a landoscar soundtrack (series) (4 parts/?)

we might as well be strangers (3/3) (what you need to know: oscar-moves-to-a-different-team-and-lando-has-feelings fic) (E)

Lando really should’ve known better than to get attached.

Scratch that.

He should’ve known better than to fall in love with a teammate. Again.

maps (1/1) (what you need to know: oscar is one jealous dude and has a lot of thoughts about it) (M)

Oscar’s never really thought of himself as a jealous person. His mom jokes that he’d been a pretty chill baby, and that even when his younger sisters came along, he never really fought for his parents’ attention, which at first worried his parents, afraid that he’d simply been building on his rage and would throw a fit eventually. But no, not really, Oscar had just been content with being there, watching the world around him with wide, observant eyes. So long as they let him read his car magazines and zoom around his house pretending to be a Ferrari, he was fine with having his younger sisters around.

only to live in your memories (1/1) (what you need to know: oscar yearns, lando flirts, it all comes crashing down at danny ric's wedding) (E)

“I think Ozzy here is not telling us something, mate,” George conspires, and Alex hiccups through a laugh before he stands, wobbly, and walks closer to where Oscar’s standing.

“Out with it, you rascal,” says Alex, hand aiming for Oscar’s shoulder but landing somewhere on his collarbone instead.

Oscar can’t help laughing at the ridiculous display in front of him and decides to simply accept his fate and tell them, as good-naturedly as he can: “Pretty sure he’s somewhere around here hooking up with Daniel’s sister.”

He’d thought his pals’ reactions would range from vulgar remarks to crude gestures, jokes at Daniel’s expense, that sort of thing. Instead, his announcement is met with drunk pity. They both look like they kicked a puppy, and the puppy is Oscar.

This is precisely why he’d been pretending to be drunk. So that they could maintain the guise of not remembering the next day and doing it all over again at the next wedding.

kisses (4/?) (what you need to know: post-race fics to heal or destroy, there is no in-between) (T)

never break the chain (4/5) (what you need to know: lando and oscar hate each other because of a racing incident when they were kids! but then they're teammates! oh no!) (E)

Zac looks at Lando, then at Oscar, and then back at Lando. “You need to sort this out, stat. I’m not having this –”

“What are you going on about? We’re golden, Oscar and I,” Lando bristles. “Practically besties, aren’t we, Osco?”

Lando knows using his old nickname for Oscar is a low blow, if his expression is anything to go by. But whatever. He’s fed up with this, and he wants Oscar as far away from him as possible, so if it hurts him, good.

Zac is turning red, and his mouth is opening, surely to remind Lando of his place, but Oscar beats him to it. He stands, inclines his head politely in Zac’s direction, and steps directly in front of Lando’s chair. His jaw is set, eyes cold. Lando has never seen him angry, had thought him incapable of it.

“I wasn’t expecting much, but I definitely thought you’d at least grown the fuck up,” he sneers. “Clearly, I was wrong. And for the record, you crashed into me. Thank you, Zac, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

secret's a blinking light (1/1) (what you need to know: fake marriage! oh no! lando needs to stay in australia what will oscar do!) (M)

So, he thinks he surprises himself and his sister Hattie and every single person he’s ever interacted with when he says, “I’ll marry you” to Lando Norris one Thursday afternoon in late May.

(He can blame it on George’s and Alex’s pestering, that.)

Lando seems surprised, too, but he recovers quickly.

como te vas (1/1) (what you need to know: lando eats oscar's choco bunny. oscar is looking for it. chaos ensues) (T)

Oscar, who’s pacing around the room with a confused expression adorning his face. His gorgeous, kissable face. Lando quickly forgets about the stupid fucking game and instead starts to plan his attack. He could launch himself from here, probably. Oscar would catch him. Or. Well. He could also fall flat on his face, and everyone knows that’s like, 78% of his whole charm or whatever. Anyway.

He calculates. Closes one eye. Turns his head sideways. Oscar’s still pacing the room, rummaging through the discarded clothing on the floor; the mess on his bedside table.

Lando rolls his eyes.

“Something missing?”

new romance (ilysfm) (2/3) (what you need to know: oh no they get accidentally married in vegas! but then they talk about it! it's cool!) (E)

There’s a beat of silence, and Lando just has to know, he needs to know, so he asks: “Do you remember anything?”

Oscar shakes his head slowly. He lifts a hand, then starts enumerating: “I remember the podium, debrief, hotel, taxi, club, Max, some horrible dancing, tequila –”

“That’s what I—,” Lando starts to say, relieved and disappointed at the same time, and then there’s a glint of something on Oscar’s hand, and instead he says, “fucking hell, what the fuck.”

Oscar splutters, his eyes darting around the room and across Lando’s body quickly in search of damage. “Wha—?”

“We’re both wearing rings,” and Lando’s head is spinning, but something tells him he’s right. “We’re in Vegas. We’re both wearing rings in Vegas, Oscar.”

[koolades-world]

Hey! I'm sorry if your (inbox, is it called?" Is closed, I just read your little story on how the brothers would react to an MC with a British accent.I was wondering if you could do a reaction to a Puerto Rican MC? Again, I'm sorry if your inbox is closed.

OMG HI inbox is open no worries!

so excited for this!! had to do a double take at first. I'm actually half puerto rican half indian! weird combo i know BUT I absolutely love this request! sometimes it's hard for me to be positive about my background and who I am. usually any mention of my race or ethnicity feels like a knife to the back, but I'm so excited for my chance to be happy about who I am

I know it just came in but as soon as I saw this I knew I had to write it right away! this is something that has every puerto rican gene in my body infused into it and despite being so short, it probably has some of the most love i've probably ever put into a piece of writing

thank you :))) please enjoy

Puerto Rican Mc

Lucifer

at first, it doesn't mean a lot to him since you're not that close yet

but later on, he begins to understand why you're so proud of your background

he totally understands being loud and proud about who you are and not being afraid to shy away from others about it

any demon who comments on this negatively vanishes mysteriously

Mammon

bonding over being poc and being able to share the struggle with each other

you understand each other and he knows what it feel like to look around and realize you're the only poc in the room. you're not alone with him by your side

lots of sweet moments and tears shared together and an inseparable bond

at the end of the day, you have each other <3

Levi

once you get close, he introduces you to all of his favorite puerto rican characters

admires how protective and loyal you are of those you're close to

values you so dearly

he doesn't regret opening up to you because it was the best choice he ever made

Satan

he begins to collect books he'd think you'd like written by puerto rican authors or have puerto rican characters because he knows how excited you'll get

he goes out of his way to introduce you to his favorite puerto rican adjacent restaurant in the devildom

takes you on plenty of trips to the human world to experience home again if you need it or just to eat good food

could listen to you talk for hours about why being puerto rican is great

Asmo

think the fact that you speak spanish (or some) is so hot (a/n: I myself speak very little haha)

immediately asks you to teach him some and to say something that sounds sexy even if it's not actually

gifts you all sorts of things that either have the puerto rican flag or have the same colors as the puerto rican flag, like clothes or little trinkets

acts as your personal cheerleader whenever you need it

Beel

loves the culinary journey you take him on through your culture

he especially loves coquito and limber (a/n: my personal favs)

asks you to teach him how to make several puerto rican dishes that practically makes your heart explode with joy

he knows food is always a huge part of the culture and in honored you showed him all the ins and outs

Belphie

likes to poke fun at you from time to time to see how defensive you'll get

you poke fun at him right back with lots of cow jokes

you two playfight a lot, usually with you being victorious maybe because he let you

however, there's always room for you under his covers where ever he might be

[serickswrites]

Here’s a request idea for you! Something I personally love.

Whumper wants to drain smallest/youngest teammate of their powers.

Everything else is up to you!! Have fun!🫡

Hello, friend, I can absolutely write this for you! This is a 7 part series (plotted, not entirely written just yet) and will posted under the title 'Fade In/Fade Out'.

Please enjoy!

Warnings: threat of death, threat of torture, demands

"Everyone meet in the briefing room," Team Leader shouted down the hall. Their tone was gruff and short. Whatever they wanted to discuss with the team, it had to be serious.

Smallest Teammate put down their book as they watched their other team members stop their activities and head to the briefing room at the center of Base. Though they were the newest to the team, Smallest Teammate felt the most at home with the team. Everyone had been so welcoming and supportive. It wasn't easy for them to fit in most places--too many people would either not trust them or try to use them. They had tried to conceal their power for so long, but it hadn't worked. Not too many people had the ability to manipulate probabilities. Not too many people with that ability went unnoticed.

But Team Leader had welcomed Smallest Teammate with open arms. They had told Smallest Teammate they would welcome anyone to their team so long as they wanted to help humanity. And so Team Leader's team was composed of individuals with various powers, but all worked together to better the world.

"Gang," Team Leader began as the twelve members sat at the conference table, "I have to discuss this matter with you all. Though I've made my decision, I think you should all be informed."

What was so serious that Team Leader made a decision, but wanted everyone to know? Smallest Teammate watched Team Leader wave a piece of paper with growing trepidation. What terrible thing was in store for them all?

"Whumper has issued a demand. I'm not going to answer it. But I think we need to come up with a plan to fight them."

"Well, I for one, am not ever going to indulge that lunatic!" Teammate One said as they leaned back in their chair.

"Nor I," Teammate Two said, nodding their agreement.

"I think we are all in agreement not to answer Whumper's demands. But I think you should all know so we can come up with a plan."

"Then just tell us, already," Teammate Four whined, "I was getting ready for a nice long nap."

Team Leader frowned at Teammate Four pointedly before speaking. "As I was saying, Whumper has issued a demand. They have demanded I turn over Smallest Teammate to them or else they will take their time killing each one of us, saving Smallest Teammate for last."

Smallest Teammate swallowed. Whumper wanted them. Them! What on earth did Whumper want them for? Their thoughts were drowned out as the table erupted into angry grumbles and shouts. The team shouted over each other about the best ways to launch an attack on Whumper, the best ways to protect Smallest Teammate, and the best ways to fortify Base. Smallest Teammate could not be more grateful for the fact that their team was ready to protect them.

But they could not help but be afraid. They were afraid for themself. They were afraid for the world. But most of all, they were afraid for their team.

Tags: @mousepaw @jumpywhumpywriter @knightinbatteredarmor @hufflepuffwritingstuff2 @anightmarishwhump

@steh-lar-uh-nuhs @celestialsoyeon @st0rmm @ay5ksal @pedro-pedro-pedro-pedro-pe

@acer-whumpstuff @pepeniascat

[avatar-anna]

Diamonds

pausing our regularly scheduled program with a luke hemmings blurb bc i love him and his solo music and i'm sad i couldn't go to any of his shows 😔 i'll get back to harry soon, but i'll take inspo wherever i can rn. enjoy!

"The next one we're gonna play for you is one of the most vulnerable songs I've ever written," Luke said, mouth pressed up against the microphone. The shimmer you helped spread over the lids of his eyes practically glowed under the blue lights that lit the stage. You thought he looked ethereal, the very embodiment of the music he was performing tonight.

"When I was putting together the final tracklist for this album," Luke continued, "I was hesitant to add this song because I was afraid that it was too vulnerable, but I was convinced that it was worth sharing, that the emotions and experiences behind this song would reach those who needed to hear it the most.

"The person who convinced me, and played a crucial part of making this record, is here tonight, and to them, I would just like to say thank you. Thank you for believing in me when I couldn't and making me brave enough to truly face my demons. You pulled me out of the deep end when it felt like I was drowning, and I would be a completely different person than I am today without you. I love you. My heart and soul is yours to keep."

Cheers were heard throughout the venue as the opening chords began. As Luke started to sing, you were thankful that you decided to watch the concert from backstage, unable to keep tears from welling in your eyes.

"Cut like diamonds and sink like stones, starve myself 'til I'm skin and bone, I'm so much older than I ever thought I would be."

He said that often. My heart and soul is yours to keep. Yours to keep safe, was what he meant. It had taken him a long time to open up to you and trust your ability to be a good partner, so him saying that his heart was yours was huge. He trusted you that much not to break his heart, to never let him sink back into old habits and bitter thoughts. That level of trust meant everything to you.

In his little speech, Luke thanked you for being the one to convince him to release the song, which was true in a way. He'd been conflicted about the song at first, not ready to share such a dark period of his life so publicly. The song had originally been just a way to express himself, to put everything he'd been through on paper without ever letting it see the light of day.

Luke had shared what the song was about, had opened up to you just what had made him feel that way in the past—toxic relationships, poor decisions that led to even worse habits, hurting the people closest to him, all of his mistakes. He didn't hide any of it from you, and you took all of those misgivings, all of those past mistakes, and showed him that you loved him anyway.

"How far is far? Are we too deep in? How dark is dark? I need to see it."

It wasn't easy at first. When you met, Luke wasn't in a place where he could give himself to anyone emotionally. He believed that he was too damaged to be loved the way he deserved and that he was better off being alone and unhurt than trying to fall in love again and risk being completely ruined by someone he thought he could trust. He had been more closed off than anyone you'd ever met, but all of it just made you want to show him what love without conditions looked like. And he couldn't fathom why. Luke was never rude to you about it. He never snapped at you or pushed you away or treated you badly to make a point, he just truly believed that he wasn't worth your time.

*.*

You were at his house, hanging out as friends. Only this time you surprised him by bringing him flowers.

Luke had been completely dumbfounded, unsure of your intentions. You told him it was just to brighten up his home a little, and because you liked doing nice things for the people you cared about. He didn't question you much further, but the rest of the time you were together, you caught him staring at the bouquet that stood in the vase you'd placed them in. His gaze had been wary and apprehensive each time, and you finally told him the truth.

"I want to take you on a date," you said simply.

Luke seemed surprised, which led to a conversation that was perhaps a step below an argument, but only because you calmly listened to Luke and evaded his tactics to push you away with ease.

"I—I don't deserve you," he finally said, but his voice was heavy with emotion, like he desperately didn't want it to be true.

"Who decides what we do and don't deserve, Luke?" you said to him, resting your hand over his and rubbing your thumb over his knuckles gently. To your surprise, he didn't pull away.

"I'm not good enough for you," he amended.

With a close-lipped smile, you leaned over from your spot on his couch and placed your thumb between his brows, smoothing the furrow there. "I think you think you're a worse person than you are."

You kissed his brow, your touch just enough for him to feel your lips brush his skin. When you pulled back, you tapped his nose with your knuckle. "I won't push you, and I won't try to fix you," you said, because the truth was, you didn't believe he needed fixing. But you knew you weren't going to be able to convince him of that. Not now, anyway. "But I will tell you this: you are a remarkable person, and when you're ready, I'd love to love you one day."

*.*

"I'm on my way out, losing the dream. I feel it crash down, down on me. Caught in the madness, holding on me. Is this the way it will always be?"

It took some time, but Luke eventually believed what you did from the day you met him. You were there to see him through the thick of it, holding his hand when he needed you to and giving him space when he asked. He'd gone off to write for a little while, and when he came back, you could practically see the weight lift from his shoulders. It was as if he'd left his biggest demons at the cabin he'd been staying in.

And now he was at his own solo concert performing the songs that held the deepest secrets of his heart. Luke sang each word with passion and pride, the kind that came from knowing that he'd overcome the darkness that had held him for so long. He wasn't drowning anymore, but he sang his songs so that his fans could see that it was possible to be in a dark place and come out of it.

The song faded to its end, and Luke bowed before the crowd as they cheered. He held his hands together in front of his face, the appreciation written in his features abundantly clear. You watched him survey the crowd with so much pride you thought you were going to burst, but you ended up just shedding a couple more tears instead.

While fans were still cheering and his band was playing chords that would lead into the next song, Luke jogged to the side of the stage where you were standing. You hadn't expected him to come over to you, but when you saw his face, you knew what he needed.

Your arms opened for him just in time as he wrapped himself around you. He held onto you tight, his face buried in your hair as he lifted you off the ground. You held on just as fiercely, hoping it would sufficiently express just how much you loved him.

Time stopped as Luke held you in his arms. He had a whole crowd waiting for him to sing the next song, but neither of you seemed worried about getting him back onstage. When he finally set you back down, you kissed his cheek a couple times before kissing him properly, your hands on either side of his face.

"Okay, okay, no more of that," you said, when he kept trying to follow your lips as you pulled away from him, wanting just one more kiss. "There'll be plenty of time for that later. Now go. Everyone's waiting for you."

Luke began to turn like he was going to do just as you said, but before he walked away, he spun on his heel and caught you in one last kiss. Satisfied by your tinged cheeks, he grinned and kissed your cheek. "Mean the world to me, darlin.'"

Hearing him say that made you melt every single time, and he knew that. Shoving his shoulder playfully toward the stage, you said, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Now go be a rockstar, will you? You're keeping everyone waiting. Myself included."

Luke finally turned around for real and did just that.

[saintsenara]

Absolutely no pressure if it really does make you uncomfortable to talk about but I would LOVE to hear about why dramione pisses you off... first and foremost because I'm a card-carrying dramione hater and there's nothing quite as enjoyable as a fellow hater articulating their haterade. Please. I'm handing you the mic. Go to town. (If you want!)

thank you very much for the ask, anon - and it's very sweet of you to ask whether dramione makes me sincerely uncomfortable [it doesn't, and if there's ever a day when i find harry potter shipping preferences that deep i shall face god and walk backwards into hell]. i subscribe to one belief in fandom above all others - that you can write yourself into, and out of, the most nonsensical premises if you are willing to engage with your characters in their full spectrum and if you have enough nerve. which is to say, there is almost certainly dramione out there that i would regard as interesting and well done, which feels coherent as a premise within which to situate both hermione and draco's canon selves, and which does so by being unsparing in how it deals with the whole "he thinks she's literally subhuman" thing...

but the reason i don't like dramione as a pairing is because i've never actually seen it done in a way that actually is interesting.

i'm on the record as a straightforward hater of fanon!hermione - the preternaturally perfect, incandescently beautiful "brightest witch of her age" [lupin means by this - please, i am begging you all to understand - that she's clever for a fourteen-year-old, not that she's some sort of epoch-defining intellect] who makes you wonder if we've all forgotten the early-00s flame wars over mary-sues. i am also on the record as a hater of the classic draco-in-leather-pants version of the other half of our pairing - draco is an insecure, pointy little dickhead whose jokes always flop, and he is so much more fun in this form than he is as the suavest man alive.

and, obviously, dramione is famous for being beholden to these characterisations [something, if i may, which is really letting harmony and snamione off the hook...]. and that is just so boring! even in a setting in which an author doesn't want to deal with the context of blood-supremacist prejudice - and good for them! why not! - i would much rather see fics think interestingly about how mashing draco and hermione's personalities together would actually go. how would he handle her constant need to debate things? how would she handle his fits of crippling jealousy? how would he handle her stubbornness? how would she handle his self-interestedness?

and i think something quite striking could actually come of this... as i've noted elsewhere, draco's narrative mirror is ron, who is obviously a ride-or-die hermione stan, and there is - therefore - a way set out within the arc of canon for thinking about how hermione and draco might interact. it could be a genuinely fantastic piece of enemies-to-lovers fun, but this would involve both hermione and draco's canonical characteristics being thought about [and harry and ron's: the former always seems to come around to dramione really quickly, while the latter is written as a death-eater-adjacent boor who doesn't want the woman who "belongs to him" to be happy], and i'm afraid that the vast, vast majority of dramione writing seems to have no interest in doing this when "just make him suave and her perfect" exists...

but, of course, there is a second major objection which i know many people have to dramione: that he is a member of a terrorist organisation which believes in eradicating people like her, and that he believes wholeheartedly in that organisation's beliefs.

and my feelings about this are more complicated.

because, to be frank, as someone who has - only this week - written harry having a sensual little snog with his parents' murderer, i can't really get up on my high-horse about people shipping the heroes with the villains. and, indeed, i won't - another fandom [and life!] principle i have is that the potential of redemption for everybody is one of the most important things about humanity; that even the most evil people can repent and repent sincerely; and that love is strange and unpredictable.

i do think something interesting could be done with draco having to unlearn literally everything about his life, and with both him and hermione grappling with their personal limits when it came to remorse and forgiveness as they realise that, against all the odds and no matter the heavy weight of the past, they want to make something together. but, once again, the standard move in dramione seems to be a sort of "nooo, he didn't really mean it!" or a "hermione gets over it immediately because he didn't rat them out when the snatchers caught them!" [no - he didn't rat harry out. he doesn't seem to have a problem with hermione getting tortured by bellatrix...] or a "well harry using sectumsempra means i'm over the fact he called me a mudblood" or "uwu he was sixteen". and, once again, i think it's dull!

and this, of course, brings us to the other category of dramione - the one in which she's a dirty little fucktoy for a sadistic pureblood lord. while this is at its worst in other hermione/death eater ships, we've all seen the fics: hermione is given to draco as a forced bride; hermione is given to draco as a sex slave; hermione is given to draco to be degraded etc.

i have no moral objection to people wanting to read and write this stuff, because i'm neither a cop nor a priest. my objection, once again, is that this is dull.

i think there is something really, really interesting which could be done with draco finding himself attracted to hermione despite what he's been raised to believe about her, above all for the way this could be used to play with the gendered dynamic we might expect to find when this trope is used.

discrimination is justified by societies - again and again throughout the course of history - with the claim that it protects women [and men's claim to them]. we can imagine easily that this is the same in the wizarding world because voldemort literally tells us so - in the opening chapter of deathly hallows he explicitly equates tonks' marriage to lupin as the cause of the "rot" in the black family tree, before he goes on to murder charity burbage while accusing her of supporting miscegenation.

what we see less frequently is the idea that men need to be protected from the other - societies are much more amenable to seeing men's behaviour as hypocrisy [and tolerating this] rather than moral corruption, and we can assume in the wizarding world that it would be perfectly acceptable for a pureblood man to have a muggleborn mistress or a half-blood love-child in a way it never would be for a pureblood woman.

so how does draco justify his attraction to hermione to himself? how does he keep her a secret? how does he think of women more generally, if he has a pureblood wife at home and a muggleborn woman he cheats on her with? does he see nothing contradictory about sneaking off into broom cupboards and then strutting into the slytherin common room and telling pansy parkinson that hermione is a digusting mudblood dog?

or, does he get the other side of the coin? do lucius and narcissa think he's being corrupted? is his temptation all-consuming? will he lie about hermione attacking him to save face? will he turn on the tears and place her in unimaginable danger and then feel only the slightest hint of regret?

and i just think that has so much more potential than your standard "draco's sadistic but, more importantly, he's hot" stuff.

because i will read things that are objectively baffling if they are, at least, interesting. dramione nation, i'm begging you... just be interesting.

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

So I want to talk about Ed's anger. A lot of people seem to catagorize the Kraken as angry. And a lot of meta has been written about how actually it's a defense mechanism not anger. But I am having a lot of feelings about how fucking scared he is.

Like I've made visual references. We see Ed angry four times that I can identify and one of these times he's also feeling other things.

Like he's a screamer. I've said it ever since the beginning, he's an intense guy and he feels his emotions pretty intensely. He's a screamer, is what I'm saying. He doesn't hold back his emotional response.

But all of the Kraken scenes whatever emotions he's having in that top video are certainly not the same emotions he's having in the Kraken scenes.

(I hate the fact that it won't let me upload more than one video I had videos)

But the scene I want to zero in specifically on is this one.

I'll just describe the scene for you. Izzy says his little "this is Blackbeard, not some namby pamby in a silk gown pining for his boyfriend," line and then Ed slams him against the wall and says in a very low, quiet tone "Choose your next word's wisely dog" and his face looks like this

And then Izzy brushes his hand against Ed's face and makes it incredibly weird.

To me that doesn't seem like anger. That's not how Ed expresses his anger under normal circumstances. Under normal circumstances he gets loud, maybe he breaks something. I think this particular choking thing is a performance. Because to me this voice sounds closest to the voice Ed is using at Story Time when he's specifically trying to be menacing to the crew. (specifically while he's telling the story of how his dad dies and then again when he says "She just might answer") It doesn't sound exactly like that because he's directing it at someone in an aggressive manner, but that's what it sounds the most like to me.

Basically he's preforming Blackbeard for Izzy right now, not having an angry outburst. I would like to posit that this is because the emotion he's experiencing right now is fear, not anger. This is akin to a fawn threat response (i.e. immediately trying to please or pacify the threat in order to avoid conflict.) It just looks different because pleasing and pacifying Izzy looks different than pleasing and pacifying other people.

And Izzy gives him some....

Positive(?) feedback. Feedback that means it's working.

Then then next time he does anything violent it's after he's had time to think. He throws Lucius overboard. He's not angry in this scene either

He fucking smiles at Lucius, does a full on Kubric stare, and acts pretty numb about it after he does it. He's laying it on thick with the "I'm Evil" bit in that scene. And then during the toe scene, that fucking voice shows up again whatever he says right after he says "open up" is in that Blackbeard TM voice.

Ed hasn't once in the show before this bothered to hide or temper his emotions, he's an incredibly expressive man (or a highly emotional person as David Jenkins has described him), but in every scene in between when he lets go of the fabric and when he's alone in his room crying motherfucker is going for the Oscar, he's got a full mask over his emotions. Izzy showed him in the scene where he touched his face that this would work in terms of satisfying him that blackbeard's back so he performs and performs and performs. Why? Because he's afraid, not angry. Blackbeard is and always has been a suit of armor for him.

And this is supported by him saying "I am the Kraken." The emotion we're coaxed to associate the Kraken with is fear. Ed introduces us to the concept of the Kraken by telling a story about the scariest thing he's ever seen. Then the first time we see Ed truly afraid and he has a PTSD flashback to killing his father, it's followed up by him crawling into a bathtub and confessing that he's the Kraken. When the Kraken originated we see Ed's face morph from a face of terror to a face of determination, he kills his dad, and then Ed's own capacity for violence becomes his worst fear, and the reason he doesn't kill people directly.

Anyway. He's not mad (in either sense of the word), he's terrified.

[spookmemepls]

☠ ― 𝐴𝑙𝑖𝑐𝑒 𝑖𝑛 𝑊𝑜𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑟𝑙𝑎𝑛𝑑 (𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟿) 𝑆𝑡𝑎𝑟𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑠. (𝑆𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒𝑠 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟿 𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑜𝑓 𝐴𝑙𝑖𝑐𝑒 𝑖𝑛 𝑊𝑜𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑟𝑙𝑎𝑛𝑑.)

"You've got another half-hour to practice."

"Relax... drink a strong cup of herbal tea."

"Everything has a purpose... even here."

"I'm stuck! I'm stuck...!"

"I can't do it. I can't sing."

"There's nothing to be afraid of; I shall be with you."

"I'm sure you'll make us all very proud."

"Oh, what am I going to do, ___...?"

"I'll go back later when it's all over."

"Oh dear, I'll be so late!"

"That's strange..."

"Now that I'm in, how do I get out?"

"If only I were smaller..."

"That wasn't there before..."

"I wonder if it's alright to drink/eat?"

"Oh ___ will be absolutely savage if I keep her/him/them/etc. waiting!"

"Are you crying?"

"Well, fortunately I speak "crying" and "sobbing" fluently."

"Yesterday everything was so normal... now look at me."

"H-how did you know my name?"

"I've a very important lecture to deliver, and everyone will be there!"

"What's your name, if it isn't a rude question?"

"Oh, you're wet...!"

"Get on with it!"

"I don't like the sound of it."

"The best thing to get someone dry would be... a caucus-race!"

"What's a caucus-race?"

"An extraordinary display of skill, determination, and sheer stupidity!"

"No man calls me deformed unless he's certified!"

"Who's going to give the prizes?"

"I think it's time we were all in bed with a cup of hot chocolate."

"What have you lost?"

"What are YOU doing here?!"

"I'm trying to get into the beautiful garden."

"They're treating me like I'm their housemaid!"

"Some of these things must be priceless... or even more expensive."

"I think I'll keep these, they may come in handy later."

"I might have coward's legs but the rest of me's brave as a lion!"

"I'm too rich! I can't afford to die!"

"Why won't anyone help me? I can't do it by myself!"

"We must burn down the house!"

"No one will think of looking for me there."

"I used to read fairy tales; I never thought I would end up in the middle of one."

"There ought to be a book written about me."

"Explain yourself, or you will find yourself on a charge."

"I don't think you should talk to me like that."

"You mustn't be afraid. That's worse than not remembering."

"Meanwhile, I'm going to sit here until tomorrow. Or the next day perhaps, or even for a whole week."

"It's no use talking to you!"

"PEPPERRRR! MOOOORE PEPPERRRRR!!!!"

"I best get you out of here; they're SURE to kill you!"

"You shouldn't make personal remarks, it's very rude."

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

"Kindly leave the stage by the red door. There's a fifty-foot drop on the other side!"

"Disgraceful! You'll hear from my solicitor in the morning!"

"This is the most stupid tea party I've ever been to."

"At last. The perfect place to hide."

"Children have no respect for their betters these days..."

"I won't let you be beheaded."

"Do you play croquet?"

"I don't like it here. They're too fond of beheading people."

"Old age is not for weaklings."

"Beau-tiful soup, beau-tiful soup! Soup of the evening!"

"You see, I carry my bag upside down so my sandwiches don't get wet when it rains."

"You keep falling off your horse!"

"How can you keep talking when you're like this?"

"Now I must leave you. I've still dragons to slay, young ladies to rescue."

"You look worried. You're too young to worry."

"Just be brave... and always get back on your horse."

"Can you tell me how to get out of the forest?"

"It's your own fault, ___. You're too easy."

"I stand before you full of remorse and malnutrition!"

"I've all the money I need for the rest of my life... provided I die by 1 AM tomorrow morning."

"...Then you don't need us/me anymore."

[kurithedweeb]

I am dying for your rewrite, I won't lie. I desperately need interactions between Laurence and Garroth, and also Garroth and Zenix. Zenix being Garroth's son is so overlooked

I know you, I've seen you on a bunch of my posts!! Hi :D

At the point I'm at in the full fic Garroth and Laurance haven't actually met yet, but I do have their first meeting all planned out. They're fairly cordial and all business at first, but they quickly become friends and get very close as pen pals, so we'll see pieces of letters between them up until Laurance gets stuck in the Nether, all of which Garroth keeps and will sometimes look back on later.

Garroth is the one who cares for Laurance when he appears post-Nether in Phoenix Drop's outskirts. Laurance is blind and scared and in a moment of weakness he admits he's afraid to be alone in this state, so Garroth takes off his helmet and gives it to Laurance to hold as assurance that he's not going anywhere, because he knows that Garroth won't be seen in public without his helm.

I'm a little sad I don't have much fully written out for them, but!! The drabble that started this entire rewrite project is all about Garroth and Laurance and it's actually up on my Ao3 already!! You can find it in the rewrite's series here: My Love (My Love) - KuriTheDweeb - Minecraft Diaries - Aphmau (Web Series) [Archive of Our Own]

Onto Zenix and Garroth: I love them so much.

Okay, so, I swear this is important - I mentioned in the tags of one of my Shadow Knights posts that since there's no explicit canon on how Zenix died I made the executive decision that he accidentally started a house fire and was so mesmerized by the flame that he got pinned by a burning bookshelf or a falling beam and he died of his injuries, which also led to some head-trauma induced memory loss. He's covered in burns and his voice is rough from breathing in too much smoke and he had a number of broken bones from being crushed. Garroth says in Rebirth that he suspects Zenix doesn't like Aphmau because she reminds him too much of himself, that he was badly beaten and burned and could hardly remember anything when Garroth found him.

Garroth nursed him back to health, and this idea of Garroth having saved him and sheltered him and taken him on as an apprentice, taken him in like a son, of having given Zenix an entire life to live when he wasn't sure if he had one, is integral to Zenix's view of Garroth. He's utterly devoted to his pursuit of power and his own goals, yes, but he's also utterly devoted to Garroth. He's pledged himself to follow Garroth, not whoever's Lord or head guard but Garroth himself. He only ever hurts Garroth in the very rare moments where his personal goals absolutely have to come first, like when Garroth almost discovers where he's been keeping Lord Burt and he's forced to shoot Garroth to keep his secret.

Zenix is Garroth's most trusted guard. He'd do anything for Garroth, he'd never betray him, and Garroth has total faith in the strange boy he's taken in. He has such a fondness and pride for Zenix, look at his boy go! When everything is falling down around him, when he's struggling to hold the village together until a new Lord comes, Zenix is the only one of the guard he confides in because he has complete confidence that Zenix can handle the stress and trusts him to know what Garroth needs his help with.

They always patrol together, talking about anything and everything, and Garroth always tries to nudge Zenix into acting his age more. Or at least the age he believes Zenix to be. Garroth thinks he's a little too serious for his age, and he would know because so was he when he was younger.

Zenix has this whole idea about "It's the least I can do." Garroth trusts him with gathering reports and checking in on any injured guards at the start of Drop of Sunlight, things that aren't part of his usual list of tasks, and when he thanks him and tells him that he appreciates it Zenix says, "It's the least I can do."

Ever since Garroth first coaxed him into speaking after his throat healed, that's what he's always said. It's the least he could do, since Garroth saved him, since Garroth took him in, but Garroth doesn't understand what he's done to deserve such gratitude from Zenix. He always tries to set the record straight, whatever task it was was something out of Zenix's way and he really does appreciate it. Zenix gets all flustered about it, which makes Garroth happy to know that the young boy he first found in the woods is still there under all that serious attitude somewhere.

Let me tell you, I got so close to Garroth calling Zenix 'son' during this interaction, but I need to save the moment for later.

Rounding back to Zenix shooting Garroth. I've mentioned before that Garroth prays when he's treating someone's wounds or when he himself is dying. When he's been shot and Garroth is saying his prayers, he's asking for Zenix to be safe and that if this is the day he dies, which he completely believes he will, to let him hang on for just a few more hours until he knows Zenix is safe. Until he can see for himself that his boy is safe. Just a few more hours, just until then, and then death could take him. The first thing he asks about when he wakes up completely is if Zenix is okay, if he'd managed to make it home by himself

The inherent cycling tragedy of their dynamic, always circling around each other. Zenix's genuine remorse for doing the things he does to Phoenix Drop and Garroth, balanced by Garroth's sense of betrayal and the way he clings to the boy he once knew with the belief that he'd never do these things of his own volition.

Augh, I love to write them, I hope I can do them justice the way they deserve it.

[pippin-katz]

I realized that I really don't care about any comments made on the boys' (especially Taylor’s) acting; I am not going to let them get to me at all anymore. You know why?

It occurred to me that the character that Alex has the most screen time with, excluding Henry for obvious reasons, is his mother. And you know who plays Alex's mother right? Uma fucking Thurman.

If Uma had a problem with Taylor's acting, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have agreed to the film, or been much harsher with criticism to make him improve. Taylor has only ever said how amazing she was to work with and let me list the things he has said about working her for this:

that she was lovely and giving

that she also wanted to forge a personal connection with him

that despite having a very short amount of time to build their relationship for the screen they developed that connection through hugs, touches, little conversations

that they went to lunch together

that she was a professional who made him feel safe

that she didn't treat him like "that younger actor"

that she would improv at him and they tried different things throughout the filming

that she's a very skilled and competent actor

Here's the link to the video interview I pulled this from. Taylor talks about Uma from 3:06 to 4:28 if you don't feel like searching for it, or watching the whole thing. I'm sure he's also talked about her in written interviews, but I'm not going hunting for it because this post is already longer than I meant for it to be, and I'm writing it on an Wacom art tablet at my school's lab while taking what was supposed to only be a few minute-long break from my digital sculptures that I've been struggling and behind on for over a week. 🥲

Everything about the way Taylor talks about her and working with her gives me the impression that she would not hold back criticism. She's been in the industry for a long time, and knows the ins and outs of it. She sounds like a person who would not be afraid to say something if they saw an area that needed improvement, and that she would be respectful and nice about it while doing so.

It occurred to me that if Uma fucking Thurman did not see him as a bad actor, then the opinions of random strangers, most of whom have never set foot on a stage/set, don't matter at all.

[runawaymun]

Have you ever just stared at an idea and couldn't write it? You want to buy it's so you tailored that no one will read it, in fact your scared that people who ship the rare pair might be disappointed with it.

If so how do you deal with it because I am struggling. I lost a lot of my creative drive because I feel like no one wants to hear my stories. Has that ever happened to you?

Sorry to come in and like have a big sad in you inbox but I love your work and I always wonder if other people with such amazing work feel this way too.

Ah, nonnie, you sent this in a little while ago and I was laid flat, so I'm so sorry that it has taken me this long to reply!

But yes, this has happened to me! I think it's very natural. The only way you can get past it is by saying fuck it tbh. Write what you want to write; write what makes you happy!

I thought Stars was going to be way too hyperspecific to me. I hadn't really seen anything like it, and platonic OC & Canon Character fics as a whole rarely see any popularity, but I wrote it with my whole chest and surprisingly it resonated with a lot of people. That happened with Brimbrond (there were like, I think three people who shipped it at the time I started writing Partake), and now with my Zhongli x Baizhu fics, Genshin is such a large fandom and it is such a rarepair. Zhongli is attached to one of the most popular fics in the fandom and Baizhu is simply rarely ever written about. But I love them. And I feel that way about Dehya and Baizhu, too, and plan on writing stuff for them and making art.

Truly the only way to get past this is to write what you love. You don't even have to post it. Write what you want to read. It helps if you can find even one other person who ships the ship and likes your work, and the two of you can scream about it together. I know it really sucks when it feels like no one's reading your work. I've had flop fics myself, and it happens especially with art since people just don't reblog as much as they used to. It can be really discouraging. But you have to do it for you.

If it's really bothering you, then maybe take a step back and just don't post anything. You don't have to post it at all. Write it without posting. Let it be Bad, even. Put your whole chest into it, write whatever tropes you want, skip around. If you're bored then don't write it. If you aren't having fun, don't write it. Skip all the uninteresting parts and just write the shippy nonsense you want to read.

I guess what I keep wanting to say and keep repeating ad nauseam is that you really, really cannot be writing for others. Again, believe me, I know it's disheartening when something flops and you feel like no one wants to read your work, but that's where you have to decide that you're going to write for you.

And if you're burnt out and absolutely nothing is fun, then take a step back and just read. Like, fanfic sure, but I mean a physical book. It'll exfoliate your brain. Read for fun. If you aren't enjoying the book then don't be afraid to DNF it. Play a good story-based video game if that's your thing. Watch a show or a movie and really pay attention to it. When I'm lacking inspiration and everything Feels Bad sometimes I just need to get some input. As it was described to me years ago: your writing brain is like a well. You have to pour good stuff into it. Nothing is written in a vacuum, and if you're struggling to make anything come out it may be because your well is empty, and you just need to top it up a bit.

Anyway, yeah. Enjoy some good fiction. Kill the critic inside your head. Write for you. I am pretty much terrified 100% of the time when I am writing and posting that it won't be good, it'll flop, no one will like it, etc. etc. But you absolutely cannot let that paralyze you into not creating. Don't let the critic in your head win. Tell yourself it doesn't have to be good. Repeat that over and over. It's okay if it's bad. It's okay if it's bad. No one even has to see it.

Plus, when it comes to rough drafts --- accept that it is going to be bad. You are just shoveling sand into a box to build castles with later.

If you want to post, please try to remember that it is a gift to the community. It is a privilege that we get to read other people's work. For FREE. For FUN. And make friends doing it! You do not owe anyone anything. At risk of sounding like a broken record: please, please, please write for you and no one else. If you choose to share it that is up to you, and the rest of us say fucking thank you. The inner critic never goes away. That fear never goes away. I'm so serious. But it's fake. It's so fake. It doesn't matter. Imagine it in a silly, stupid little voice (mine sounds like a whiny kylo ren or sometimes like Donald Trump, and then it's easy to dispel). Tell it to shut up. If it's like 'this is awful' then say 'that's okay. I'm having fun', and if it's like 'no one will read it,' then say 'that's okay, i'm writing it for me,' and then write what you want to write, because you like it and want to read it. Fuck it you ball.