#this is so fucking disjointed but eh

[synthized]

since   i   can   remember,   i   have   always   associated   myself   as   being   a   boy.   there   were   plenty   of   moments   in   my   youth,   eight   or   nine   years   old   before   i   met   scratch,   where   i   would   role-play   as   the   son   of   the   man   that   i   would   later   project   onto   being   my   fictional   father.   to   replace   the   one   that   i   didn't   have   in   reality.   i   wished   i   could   have   stubble   on   my   beard   like   all   my   classic   action   heroes,   big   muscles,   deep   gravel   to   my   voice   ached   by   too   many   cigarettes,   the   way   men   hold   onto   a   woman   as   if   they   are   porcelain   to   be   treasured.   to   be   protected. to fantasize about being in gay relationships with male celebrities.   maybe   it   is   because   i   never   grew   up   with   a   father   around.   maybe   this   is   all   a   product   of   mental   illness.   but   i   know   i   have   always   felt   pushed   away   from   anything   ''feminine''   -   traditionally   so,   &   connected   beyond   words   to   those   of   masculine   definition.   even   in   my   later   years,   i   chose   jesse,   for   a   reason   over   the   dead   name   that   my   mother   still   calls   me.   the   masculine   version,   (   yet   the   starbucks   order   will   still   stain   jessie   on   the   side   of   the   coffee   cup, or the worst of them all, jess   -   ) ; i also had major dick envy & breast self-hatred - even when i had no idea what trans truly meant, i know now that it is something i have always carried with me. a   locket   around   my   neck,   where   the   key   has   been   lost   to   social   norms.   or   a   noose.

in   1999,   i   began   to   watch   wrestling   -   although   this   wasn't   religiously   until   ten   years   later   due   to   not   being   able   to   see   it   on   our   regular   TV   channels.   i   was   fascinated.   boys   on   boys   action   ??   that's   what   dreams   are   made   of   !!   not   even   really   considering   that   wrestling   could   have   been   a   career   for   me   if   i   had   pursued   it   younger,   only   being   able   to   roleplay   it   physically   with   scratch   by   my   side.   rough   housing,   throwing   each   other   around,   fights   where   we   can   feel   every   bruise,   every   mark,   every   hit   on   the   canvas   of   my   bedroom   carpet.   it   was   something.   to   imagine   being   in   the   ring   with   the   big   stars.   jericho   as   my   mentor.   it   was   silly,   it   was   stupid,   it   was   sadness   lost   to   real   life   circumstances   that   it   never   even   entered   my   head   to   do   anything   about   it.   to   be   a   man.   to   be   a   fucking   man.   why   was   i   never   given   this   clarity   as   an   option   ??   sexuality   was   barely   even   talked   about   in   my   house,   even   though   i   ''knew''   i   was   bisexual   extremely   young   ;   let   alone   anything   to   do   with   gender. but   i   never   enjoyed   the   dresses,   or   the   fancy   shoes   or   the   girly   pop   aesthetic   of   my   childhood.   no,   i   was   the   toyboy   surrounded   by   pokemon   plushies   &   mortal   kombat   on   the   playstation,   blazing   nine   inch   nails   from   my   bulky-ass   stereo.

in   2013,   when   i   started   bringing   my   original   characters  ( which have, for the most part, always been male -- )  to   a   writing   forum,   dimitri   vladimov,   i   realized   that   my   full-time   original   creation   was   just   a   reflection   of   myself.   the   masculine   version.   wearing   glasses,   curls   in   his   eyes,   chunky   sweaters,   obsessed   with   space   &   cats   &   being   a   great   parent   to   a   lil'   one,   while   living   in   domesticated   bliss   with   his   earthly   husband.   this   is   when   my   gender   dysphoria   really   started   ramping   up.   i   would   look   at   pictures   of   my   dimitri   FC   (   above   )   &   wishing   i   could   look   exactly   like   him.   because   he   was   a   reflection   of   me   in   written   word.   i   had   designed   him,   his   clothes,   his   appearance,   his   everything   in   the   unknowing   that   this   was   just   the   dream   that   i   wanted   for   my   own   self.   i   told   my   mother   that   i   was   feeling   this   way   &   we   went   to   the   doctor,   who   sat   there   expressionless,   no   notes   taken   on   her   little   pad.   just   staring   at   me   as   if   i   had   just   told   her   i   was   a   serial   killer   from   the   planet   zod.

but you are in your twenties now, you have never spoken about this before.

yes, because i didn't realize what i was feeling until now. i couldn't put it into words.

well, there is nothing we can do for you. those who have gender dysphoria feel it from child-hood. there is nothing we can do. there is nothing we can do. nothing at all.

bare   in   mind,   i'm   sitting   in   the   doctor's   office,   tears   streaming   down   my   face   hoping   to   be   heard.   all   i   got   was   a   ten   minute   appointment,   and   the   door   shut   in   my   face.

since   then,   i   buried   it.   i   buried   it   so   deep   that   i   never   mentioned   it   to   my   mother   again.   she   would   bring   it   up   in   conversation,   with   lots   of   laughs:   remember   that   time,   you   wanted   to   be   a   boy   ??   remember   that   phase   you   were   in   ??   yeah   mum,   i   remember,   just   a   phase   [   .   .   .   ]   &   she   would   laugh,   laugh,   laugh   &   i   would   play   along,   not   telling   anyone   except   rebirth   how   much   it   killed   me   inside.   still   kills   me   to   this   day.

with   the   wrestling,   the   role-playing   never   stopped.   not   even   in   my   adult   years.   it's   a   comfort   that   i   have   never   escaped   from. ever   since   the   a-dam   page   &   j-on   moxley   feud,   scratch   has   referred   to   us   as   them   in   terms   of   the   way   we   are   as   a   couple.   feral,   possessive,   beyond   words   in   terms   of   psycho-sexual   energy   &   a   connection   that   cannot   be   severed.   we   shed   blood   because   that   is   our   soul   to   share.   we   leave   marks   because   that   is   our   body   to   own.   but   in   the   last   year,   looking   at   adam   actually   is   starting   to   kill   me.   the   want   to   look   like   him   in   the   mirror.   the   need   to   be   in   that   squared   circle,   as   a   man,   as   a   fucking   man.   with   the   career   i   want,   death   matches   &   a   family   waiting   for��  me   at   home   [   .   .   .   ]   instead,   i   sit   here,   a   broken   shell   of   what   i   should   have   been.   the   last   rodeo   is   a   stepping   stone   into   healing   that   grief.   jesse:   the   transmac   cowboy   who   becomes   a   star   in   the   wrestling   circuit   [   .   .   .   ]   with   a   few   added   fictional   extras   like   cybernetic   cosmic   horror   along   the   way   !!   but   i   know   i   will   never   get   the   money   for   surgery.   i   will   always   have   a   big   chest   &   a   reproduction   system.   i   will   always   be   labelled   as   'miss'   when   i   get   the   parcel   from   the   delivery   driver.   my   mother   will   always   see   me   as   her   daughter.

i   want   to   be   proud   of   who   i   am   in   the   mirror.   i   want   to   be   put   on   testosterone.   i   want   to   grow   stubble.   i   want   hair   over   my   chest   and   my   belly.   i   want   someone   to   wrap   me   in   their   arms,   and   call   me   their   good   boy.   i   want   to   call   someone   my   husband,   my   wife   &   be   their   husband   in   return. i want to be a wrestler ; i want to shed my blood on the canvas. i want to go absolutely fucking feral. I WANT TO BE PROUDLY TRANS, TO THE WORLD.   i   want   so   fucking   much   [   .   .   .   ]   but   i   know   i   will   never   get   it   in   this   life-time.

i   will   always   be   a   she.   i   will   always   be   a   woman.   i   will   always   be   something   that   is   going   to   hurt   me   &   haunt   me   &   hinder   me   for   the   rest   of   my   fucking   life.

but i'm good at burying things. my real emotions. even though when they bury me, it will say a very good daughter, a very good wife right on the headstone.

PS : yanno,   i   find   it   funny   that   i   just   remembered   being   in   high-school,   and   for   our   media   production   where   we   had   to   recreate   a   music   video   in   a   group   of   four   ;   i   was   forced   into   the   lead   singer   role   (   placebo   -   nancy   boy   was   the   song   chosen   )   where   the   lead   is   a   guy.   my   boyfriend   at   the   time   was   also   in   this   group.   i   guess   even   my   friends   in   high   school   knew   that   was   who   i   was   before   i   did.

[traumatic-flock-of-swans]

Hfdhsjjsfjjfjdnsndmfmddm

[ellsieee]

I am so confused by the ending of Seoul Blues. What story was Suk trying to tell? In the end, everything felt disjointed and rushed. Bad Guy had 4 episodes less, but I feel like it had a more logical and coherent plot than Seoul Blues.

After the break up from last episode, Jeongha still looks for Daeyoung for help with the very person that he's not over. OK...

Oh you have no friends eh? I wonder whose fault that is...

Dojin fulfilling his evil woman role. I understand that Suk needed him to play this role so Daeyoung could "save" Jeongha and re-win his heart, but this just doesn't make sense to me. If the story was meant to have him solely be the evil man that causes drama and angst for the main cp, then why focus on Dojin and Daeyoung's backstory so much? They should have only had him do his thing and then leave, like Sol from Blue Boys. Why have Dojin act conflicted and regretful? Was I reading too much into his facial expressions? Did I read their whole dynamic wrong?

Daeyoung and Jeongha making up was sweet, but felt so rushed. Jeongha didn't say anything about the cheating and he didn't even ask how Daeyoung "resolved" the problem with Dojin. There wasn't enough build up and reason for me to believe that Jeongha would forgive Daeyoung just like that. Suk should have spent less time on Dojin and more time showing Jeongha's POV. There is probably going to be more in the uncut, but even so, the ending will feel half-baked to me no matter what.

At least Daeyoung/Jeongha cp fans can rejoice. They got their happy ending and there will be another make out sesh to look forward to. I will forever be sad about the wasted potential of the Daeyoung/Dojin story, but at least I have an uncut to enjoy repeatedly. At least Dojin still has his career. Let's spare a thought for Minji, who lost two friends and a boyfriend because neither gave a fuck, and then was never heard from again.

[gureumz]

i hate pregnancy troop pero if political dynasty jay and fil-chi yn gets pregnant imagine how their parents will push them to get marry and be the IT couple 😫

HUYYRURHDH i love this

tas magaaway lang kayo pero kinukulit mo si jay dahil sa cravings mo so wala siyang choice kundi sundin ka

o tangina eto na nga na-excite ako masyado

jay as your fwb turned unwilling husband who you got married to kasi nabuntis ka niya (a text au) 🔞

notes: fem!reader, accidental pregnancy, fwb to lovers, disjointed chronology, taglish

"_______."

you turn your head away from your laptop screen to see jay entering the kitchen. he stops on the other side of the kitchen island, hands planted firmly on the marble top. he looks at you intently.

"what?" you ask, raising an eyebrow.

"when was the last time we slept together?" jay asks, expression still stony.

you give him a look. "we literally sleep in one bed every night, jay."

"not like that. like, when did we last have sex?" jay clarifies.

you shrug. "three months ago? before we found out i was pregnant siguro."

jay inhales, running both hands over his face. you can see his frustration.

"why? are you questioning who the baby's dad is?" you ask, a teasing lilt in your voice. jay narrows his eyes at you.

"no, _______. alam kong akin 'yan," jay says.

"eh, so ano?"

jay clicks his tongue in annoyance. you can't help but feel a similar exasperation.

"ano ba kasi, jay?" you repeat, standing up. you walk around the island, coming to a stop in front of your husband.

"i just...i miss it, okay?" jay finally says, gesturing wildly with his hands.

"i miss kissing you and being inside you. i fucking loved being inside you," jay rambles. his fingers tap nervously on the countertop.

you laugh, reaching up to thread your fingers through his hair.

"loved it so much na binuntis mo ko?" you ask.

jay's eyes darken and a second later, his hands find their way to your waist. he grabs you roughly, pressing himself against you.

you gasp as you're being backed up against the island, jay's hand cradling you from behind.

"we're married now, so i don't get why we're not fucking like a husband and wife should be," jay whispers lowly, his breath fanning your face. the tip of his nose barely touches yours.

"let's start now, then," you suggest, dipping your hand beneath jay's sweats.

jay groans as you skim over his growing erection before pressing his lips hungrily on yours.

[icespur]

Mpreg Akeshu and wholesome panicked new parentGoro:

(apologies on the disjointed paragraphs, some were added in between, and the ending is very abrupt)

More Mpreg Akeshu bio child concepts/headcanons. 

I researched for a good explanation for the Mpreg, and  I came across an interesting rare condition called “Persistent Mullerian Duct Syndrome.” 

Realistically, Men wouldn’t be able to carry a baby even with this. In fact it tends to hinder their fertility by causing their balls to bleed. 

But this is fanfiction, we’re allowed to bend logic all we want! 

So that’s as far as the Mpreg explanation for this concept goes. Akiren is a cis-man that just happens to have been born with a rare condition that makes him have a uterus. 

Akiren is aware of his condition, but even he didn’t think it would be fully functional! Once the symptoms start, his first thought isn’t “Oh, I must be pregnant, even though that should be impossible.” He thinks the frequent vomiting is just a virus he caught. He brings up the strange frequent vomiting he’s experiencing to Futaba, and she jokingly suggests he could be pregnant and should take a pregnancy test, but they both laugh the idea off. 

Later, Akiren goes to a store to buy something, he comes across a pregnancy test and remembers the conversation with Futaba, and decides “Eh, why not, just for fun.”

Then it comes back positive—---

He remembers his “condition” and the possibility occurs that “Wait, what if it is possible?”

He looks up info on persistent mullerian duct syndrome, and what it means if a man takes a pregnancy test and it comes back positive, only to find IT COULD BE AN EARLY SIGN OF TESTICULAR CANCER?!

So now Akiren is lowkey panicking because he might have early testicular cancer!

It isn’t until a couple more weeks, he goes for an ultrasound and—--

Oh

That’s—-cancer isn’t supposed to have a heartbeat, that’s a very early stage embryo—--wait, his uterus is actually functional??!

Due to the unknown, fragile situation of this illogical pregnancy—everyone treats Akiren as if he’s a porcelain doll or made of glass. Because no one knows just how durable this miracle Embryo is and what will or won’t accidentally trigger a misscarriage. 

I especially have some amusing scenarios of “Protective Father” Akechi. But this would be Third Semester specific which means they would have had to conceive before February, and Me and fellow Akeshu tumblr fans already chose February 2nd as the conception day. 

I wanna still give the alternate headcanons, but know this isn’t a part of the rest of the Mpreg concept. This is just a little alternate. 

Protective Father Akechi during 3rd Semester:

After the “How in the fuck?!----” reaction has passed and he asks Akiren what his plans are and Akiren confirms he wants to keep the baby.

Well, that puts another obstacle in the “stop Maruki and return to original reality” plan. Akiren doesn't go back on his promise to stop Maruki with Akechi, he still wants to—--but if he also wants to successfully carry the baby and give birth—-

“New plan; I temporarily take over the position as leader. Me and your friends stop Maruki, while YOU stay in Leblanc.” 

“What—why?” 

“Because developing embryos are fragile, you idiot. Do you really think infiltrating a cognitive world full of shadows with various attacks and ailment abilities is safe? I mean, unless you want to miscarry during a battle, be my guest. But if you truly intend to keep and have this baby come out healthy and fine, then you'll take a break from Phantom Thieving and Metaverse activities for both of your sakes.” 

“You’re—--are you seriously grounding me? Last I checked, you’re not my father, and I can’t just “take a break”, I’m vital to the team, if I die in battle everyone is screwed! What if they die when I’m not there to heal or support them? I could never live with myself if that happened.” 

“Oh, I’m certainly not your father, but I’m the father to be of someone, who is automatically attached to you until nine months or sooner. Therefore, I have no choice but to parent your reckless self too, for our unborn child’s sake. I—---”promise”---for purely your sake and happiness I’ll try to keep your irritating friends and teammates from dying during battle, and in return YOU take it easy and fucking rest!”

This culminates in Akechi essentially quarantining Akiren to Leblanc, and forbids him from Metaverse activity for the baby’s sake, while a very stubborn Akiren tries to escape, ending in Akechi physically dragging him back upstairs, while the rest of the Phantom Thieves' silently watch in confusion and concern as their leader and friend begs and fights for his life by gripping the hardwood floor or the walls, but ultimately fails as Akechi successfully carries him to the Attic. 

Akechi even considers purchasing some tranquillizer bullets for situations if Akiren successfully escapes, but decides against it after researching and learning the health risks and birth defects it could cause. 

Akechi confiscates Akiren's phone; obviously not trusting him not to use the Metanav. 

Akiren wakes up one day, to Akechi's solution to keep him in the attic, finding he can't sit up in bed, because Akechi fucking duct taped and tucked him into bed! Akiren squirms and triggers a note to unravel from the ceiling from Akechi, explaining why he taped him to the bed, advises him not to try and escape, if he has to urinate he’s already hooked up to a bag, for defecating, call Sojiro to take him to the bathroom, it’s the only reason Akiren’s mouth isn’t taped shut, Akechi is in the Metaverse, if he isn’t back by the end of the day, or reality hasn’t turned back to normal, he’s allowed to ask Sojiro to untape him, “but try not to do anything stupid that will harm the life of both you and our unborn child, you reckless dumbass. Love, Goro.” 

If Akiren somehow manages to tear free of the tapes, he’d try to sneak out of the Attic and Cafe by going out the window, only to find it locked, and a little note taped to the window, also from Goro: “Did you really think I wouldn’t predict you’d try the window, Joker? I’d think the leader of the Phantom Thieves would be more creative in his escape method. I repeat, DON’T. DO. ANYTHING. STUPID. For both your sake, and our child. 

Now either take a damn nap, play a video game, water your helpless plant if it hasn’t died from neglect yet, or make some coffee or curry for customers or yourself. It’s not the end of the world, you are more than capable of occupying yourself, you’re lucky I love you. - Goro 

End of “Alternate 3rd Semester Protective Father Akechi” segment…

Baby conceived accidentally on February 2/2, and once the whole Maruki situation is over with and they return to old reality, Akiren is devastated about Akechi going back to being dead, but on the bright side, sees their unborn child as a gift, he’ll always have a part of Goro through their child. Of course he plans to keep it, no matter how uncertain the pregnancy will go. 

But, as we know, canonically there's evidence pointing to Akechi still being alive. So eventually Akechi returns to Tokyo to reunite with Akiren only to find he already went back home. Oh, wait, he still has his contact info, he can just text him or call him! 

They get into contact, Akiren is overjoyed, and encourages Akechi to come to him, to his hometown. He does, cue happy emotional reunion. 

Then Akiren drops the “So, remember that night in February just before we infiltrated Maruki's palace to defeat him? Well, long story short, I was born with a uterus and I'm—---pregnant.” 

“........Huh?” 

After some denial, lots of processing, Akechi decides to stay and move in with Akiren because “No way in hell am I pulling a Shido.”

The whole situation is still weird as hell, and Akechi still finds himself occasionally laying awake at night processing the situation. 

Once it's time for the birth, the baby is born early via cesarean section, as letting the baby develop to term might not be pleasant on Akiren's insides. The plan was to wait until the baby is at a viable age to be cesareaned out before it really starts squishing Akiren’s organs too much, but also where it has a chance at surviving entering the world early.

But because of complications, the baby decided it would be fun to send her unprepared fathers into a frenzy by making Akiren’s water break early. 

So their baby girl is born premature at 27 weeks by emergency c section and is immediately rushed to the NICU. 

Now, preemie care in Japan is really good! The survival rate is high so really, logically, Akechi and Akiren shouldn't have to worry. For once the roles are reversed and the mother (Akiren) is the level headed logical one. 

Yeah, of course he wishes he got a chance to hold his baby first before they rushed her out, but it's for her own safety and health, and she has a high chance of making it. He’ll get to hold her eventually. 

Akechi on the other hand—-- 

Akiren is obviously correct, the survival rate is highly probable at that age, their daughter will most likely survive, they just have to be patient—------

But what if?-------

The survival rate for 27 week olds is indeed over 9 out of 10, but what about that other percentage? What if their daughter ends up being that rare percentage that doesn't pull through? 

Parents are usually allowed to hold and take pictures with their baby, even if the baby is dead, so they can still have a moment and proper goodbye. What if the Doctors bring back a dead baby and tell them the early birth complications were too severe and she didn't survive, and hand Akiren the baby to say goodbye too? 

Or for some reason what if the Doctors refuse to let Him and Akiren see her, and just break the news, then they don't get to see her until the funeral?!

Did he do this? Did some undetectable birth defects in the Akechi or Shido gene pool deter his baby girl from being able to develop fully to term and come out healthy? Is this one of those “Skipped a generation” things? 

Or maybe this is just the cause of some cruel karmic justice on the Gods' part. Goro willingly spent the past two years playing hitman for dear old Father Of The Decade, and took the lives of people Shido saw as “traitors” and “disposable”; He caused the deaths of two of his boyfriend’s dear friends and colleagues in thieving. One of which is practically a surrogate little sister to him. She didn’t deserve to witness her mother die in front of her from a mental shutdown that a teenage hitman caused and who felt nothing because by then all usual feelings of guilt and disgust had faded into numbness at taking a life. 

Akiren; his beloved, amazing, charismatic, dumb, unfairly simultaneously adorable and sexy as hell, rival and recently turned boyfriend, didn’t deserve to nearly get arrested and shot in the head for the sake of Akechi not blowing his cover to Shido early. Akiren truly has a heart of gold to have found it in him to forgive Akechi. 

Why should a violent piece of murdering parentless trash be given a child to raise, to love? Now because of his past sins, an infant that just entered the world might perish the same day she entered it, all in the name of punishing him by taking away something innocent that he cares about. 

Hell, if we’re choosing that route, why stop at the preemie? That psychotic ex-assassin bastard seems to also care an awful lot for that quiet man with the messy black hair and gray eyes, that he once swore he hated with every fiber of his being, let’s take that one away from him too! OH MY GOD, WHAT IF AKIREN DIES? WHAT IF THEY BOTH DIE? 

Goro isn't verbalizing his anxieties outright, but Akiren can tell he's stressed just by looking at his face, but he can't do much to comfort him physically in his current state since he's currently laying down and getting his stomach stitched back up, so he’ll have to settle with words of comfort. 

Akiren goes to reach for Goro's hand to reassure him, and tell him their daughter will probably be okay because the survival rate is overall pretty high in their country, only to find—--no gloved hand to squeeze and no Goro. 

Cue cartoonish empty Goro outline where he was once standing. 

The intrusive “My premature newborn daughter might not survive and I fear it could be my fault as punishment for my crimes. I refuse to have the first and only time I get to see her be in an open casket, I need to see her now. Striving to not turn out to be deadbeat heartless Shido 2.0 wasn't a fucking joke, I am standing by that goal! I'm sticking to this kid like glue, or a clingy overly loyal canine. No matter if she only lives for a few hours or weeks, I need to make sure she knows I'm there and that I’m not going to abandon her. If I don't crash the NICU I'm going to internally hate myself for patiently waiting instead, because she needs me and I need to see her while her heart is still beating.” Take over, causing him to rush halfway across the hospital to the NICU. He didn't even wait for the surgeons to finish stitching Akiren back up, five seconds after the doctors rushed their daughter out the room, he was gone. 

Akiren isn't even mad, just briefly bewildered at Goro's sudden absence that he somehow didn't manage to detect, and amused and moved at Goro's immediate attachment and loyalty to their child. 

Once Goro arrives at the NICU, the Doctors would be hooking up all the different machines and wires to the baby, and then putting her in the incubator. Once they're done, Goro seizes the opportunity to see his daughter, once they're alone. 

This is Goro's first time seeing a premature newborn in a hospital incubator in person. Logically of course, he knows all the wires and tubes attached to the baby are for her own good and to keep her alive, but God, if it's not an intimidating sight. Most of the common new preemie parent reactions go through him, he's racked with guilt and illogical worry for his little one. He laments just how tiny and frail she looks, if it weren't for the rhythmic beeps and breaths of air, and looking at the subtle chest movement of baby’s chest, one might mistake her as dead. 

He doesn't dare take her out of the incubator yet, and is too afraid to reach his hand in to touch her, so for now he kneels to the incubator and talks with her. 

It's not until a nurse walks in and politely reminds him of Akiren, that it clicks that he fucking abandoned his boyfriend! Oh, does Goro feel like a jackass. Akiren is so understanding he probably isn't mad at him, but that ultimately doesn't stop the guilt he feels and the anger at himself. Oh God, he should head back and apologize to him. 

Goro stands up and goes to return to Akiren when he stops in his tracks—--

If you leave the room, what if she stops breathing and flatlines? 

And that is why Goro never returned to Akiren…..

[antiendovents]

tw: fakeclaiming, umm.. badmouthing the self??

hi, host of angel cove again. not sure if we ever signed off our posts but eh.

what fucking sucks is that we aren't in constant pain, we're not in constant agony from being a system, we love our headmates, we love eachother, we keep eachother good company and protect eachother. it's not terrible, though this is strictly my experience and i understand that fully.

what i'm getting at is it feels like there's a black-and-white, where if you're not in constant discomfort or pain you're an endo, and if you are you're valid. and i fully with my whole fucking chest blame endos for that. becsuse like you wouldn't have so many systems angrily justifying themselves with their pain if endos weren't constantly minimizing it by insisting they're real systems

idk, this is kind of disjointed. i just wanted to rant about how endos affect the way we see our validity as a pretty recently realized system (formed since childhood). it's like, ah, my dissociation prevents me from realizing how horrible the shit i go through on the daily is, that must mean i'm an endo, which means i'm fake this is all fake you're a stupid fucking faker you piece of shit attention hog

fuckin. idk. thanks for listening

( tagging myself so i can be notified when this is posted @angelcovesys )

yeah. Personally we don't experience constant pain(due to being a system at least, chronic pain is a doozy). We love our system, we love ourselves and our fellow headmates. We don't think it's black-and-white. Endos have really fucked up our community and how we see ourselves as systems. I am so sorry you feel this way. You are valid, you do not need to hate your system to be valid, you do not need to be in constant pain to be valid. Some systems don't want to be a system, some systems cannot imagine not being a system, and that is perfectly fine

[fractualized]

Talking to friends literally yesterday, I got a sudden fixation on wafflejokes, so let me tell you how delighted I am at the amount of Mr. Waffles in The Man Who Stopped Laughing #7!

As always, spoilers ahead! (Also a drowning and some assassinations, plus a theory at the end.)

I don't know anything about Manhunter, so while this issue opening with an AA meeting is somber, it does also give a little speedrun on what her deal is.

Joker also doesn't know about Manhunter but he doesn't much care.

The poor crowd is also unfamiliar with both of them and thinks it's a street performance, including this cute volunteer Joker is eyeing. I freaking love when Joker just makes up names for people. Engaging yet dismissive.

Uhhhhhh after this panel the cute man is perfectly fine don't worry about it ok

I'm not sure what that gas Joker hit Manhunter with earlier was supposed to do, because she's back up shortly. Joker looks weirdly alluring here when she threatens him with her glowstick.

lmao I love the broad comedy beats in this comic.

And oh SHIT WHO IS DRIVING?

I've had Mr. Waffles for three issues, and if anything happens to him, I'll kill everyone in this comic and then myself.

There's a brief segue to Jason in Gotham PD jail like there was last issue, just beats to let us know what he's up to, I guess. He's aware that there's still a Joker out there, so I'm not sure why he hasn't escaped? And now "someone" is having him transferred to Blackgate? Mystery! Anyway, here he is being manhandled:

Back in Los Angeles, Joker has taken the wheel and is still trying to get to the dang airport.

I love them. 🥰

Joker blows the helicopter to bits, and then

He's so eager to escape LA, but maybe his sourness on Gotham is coming through. He left for a reason, after all, and is only going back to take care of the Other Joker.

Meanwhile Manhunter has recovered from being nailed by a freaking cop car, and I guess it's the straightforwardness of "lady, you need to lie the fuck down" that's so funny to me.

Poor unsuspecting motorcyclist.

Then there's an unexpected diversion to Killer Moth, who is headed for Los Angeles?!

We last saw him giving information to Jason, before Jason stabbed him in the hand in exchange, so I'm not sure what he's doing here. But getting to LA sure is important!

His idiot loser vibe is going strong.

Meanwhile:

Rosenberg, you are a prince for validating my experience at In-N-Out.

I love Joker bickering with his hench rebound about traffic. 😭

We get to see Joker doing a lot of stunt driving when Manhunter is on their tail again.

Joker is so conflicted about LA! He loves that it's supposed to be superhero-free, yet earlier he said he hated the lack of pushback?

Anyway, here's more banter between Joker and his hench boytoy:

And another cute hench nickname.

Joker's idea, of course, is wildly dangerous!

And naturally she does!

But then we cut to our old friend, Hit-By-A-Train-(And-Not-The-Fun-Kind) Joker, who wakes up and sees he's in Grundy's care.

:(

This Joker showed up in Punchline: The Gotham Game #6, and I thought it took place after he was healed, but now I'm thinking he helped her out in the period before he got hit by the train, when he was dressed up like Batman investigating his old haunts. Not that it really matters to anyone but me! (That issue also sort of addressed how Punchline fell out with Joker… but not really? It's still really abrupt and disjointed how it happened. Eh. It's done.)

Back at the highway chase that I would really like to see in live action or really good animation, we have-- you got it-- more wafflejokes interaction! Until Manhunter ruins it. >:[

The crash is pretty cool, though. (Lookit the lil Waffles!)

And here's where we learn the important info that Manhunter is not a vigilante with a no-kill rule.

Hee, lookit his lil nose sticking out.

Here's hoping that Mr. Waffles is conscious and comes to the rescue! (If you're wondering if I've already attempted writing wafflejokes smut… yeah absolutely.)

Based on the description of the next issue, the rescuer is not Killer Croc. It looks like the other Joker will probably encounter Croc in the Gotham sewer. Finally making friends again? ;_;

As always, we now have the backer, which this time revolves around���

Unfortunately most of Joker's fellow rogues are uninterested in helping.

Imagining Scarecrow phonebanking sdghalgksgh

After he clears the primaries, Joker discovers there are enemies of his candidacy.

And so Joker continues to campaign (by bribing his constituency) and allow his doubles to be murdered until…

"America has run out of clowns" made me laugh. "Jarvis Poker the British Joker?!" had me laugh-crying for reasons I still can't  quite grasp.

And so the story basically ends with Joker suddenly the King of Britain?? (With shades of Emperor Joker.)

I miss the more surreal backers, but this one still gave me some good laughs.

For a last note: in the main story we've now been spending more time with the Joker who left Gotham, and since he hasn't given any signs that he's the fake, I'm starting to settle into the theory that maybe there isn't a real and a fake Joker? Maybe the somber Joker we saw at the end of his 2021 series was so weary post Joker War that he found a magic user and asked them to get rid of the parts of him that were stopping him from being the Clown Prince of Crime anymore, but because magic often has a catch, it wound up splitting him into two versions of himself. This theory also stems from that scene in TMWSL #1 where Joker is killing the crime bosses because they "lowered the standard of crime" and "made it inelegant," which he may think of his double because Sad Joker contains all the doubtful, miserable, vulnerable parts of himself. That's why he's an "imposter": he represents everything the Joker isn't supposed to be.

But who knows how long it'll be until I find out if this right. 🫠

[vodkacheesefries]

Okay so I finally watched the Netflix Avatar series and I have thoughts. Overall I actually thought it was okay. The rest of my thoughts are bullet pointed because it's easier for me to organize thoughts and keep them shorter that way.

What I disliked first:

They didn't trust the audience enough to fill in the blanks. The dialogue was really hand hold-y. It was almost like the writers were scared of silence and felt like they had to fill it.

They didn't/couldn't find the right balance between keeping the spirit of the cartoon and making it more serious. This caused the overall mood of the show to feel disjointed and almost like a different show at times.

Some of the wigs/bald caps werrrre...not great. Shoulda hired some drag queens.

I don't like that Mike and Bryan aren't involved. You can feel their touch missing.

I didn't care for the actor who played Sokka. It was partially what he was given to work with, like in the script, but I just...he didn't feel like Sokka. And I'm a Sokka girlie so that was sad.

Some slight changes were made to Aang's avatar state and. Idk. He doesn't even try to water bend this season? Weird choices, didn't care for those.

That was NOT Bumi. I refuse to believe that was actually him.

They needed more than 8 episodes. If they don't want to do a traditional 20+ episodic TV series, they need 10 at the bare minimum, but 12 would have been ideal.

Things that were okay:

Getting kids to act well is difficult, but I did think for the most part they did pretty good. But sometimes it was a little shaky.

Momo and Appa. They looked okay, but I hate it when things are very obviously CGI and have that like. Plastic shiny look to them almost.

They also weren't in the show enough for my liking.

The musical score for the most part, wasn't super memorable. The parts I do remember were the bits they took right from the show. Which is fine, I just wish they would have either done something completely new and WOWed me or utilized even more of the original score and really lean into it.

This could have been caused by the mood rapidly shifting from campy to Dramatic™️ so fast, but it sometimes it felt like an old kung fu movie and I think that saved some of the "worse" acting.

Things I, dare I say, loved:

Without getting too much into spoilers, because I do think the whole scene was pretty dope and you deserve to see it unsullied: Kyoshi.

Just in general, actually, the entirety of episode 2. The Kyoshi warriors were just. PERFECT.

The fight scenes were actually really well done and if they wanted to just film and animate people bending ala those old stick fight videos I'd watch that shit.

Oma and Shu are a win for sapphics everywhere

The avatar state visuals were also dope.

Dallas Liu as Zuko. He did SO well.

The Blue Spirit mask. Holy shit. That whole part of the episode. I love Zuko. So. Much.

While I'm talking about Zuko, because, AGAIN I love him, they made some additions to his backstory that I think worked really well. I can also see how, given they had 8 episodes to the original 20, these changes make it easier for people who didn't watch the original show to start to maybe like Zuko.

Ozai was already scary but he's. SCARY. Like. Daniel Dae Kim is scary in this role and I love what he did.

I did enjoy Azula being in it a little more than she was in the cartoon.

Most importantly: They let Sokka say ass. (Now let Aang say fuck.)

So like. Overall when I weigh what I liked vs didn't like, and how much I liked the things that I did, I'd give it a 3.5/5.

You will be disappointed if you go into it expecting it to be exactly like the cartoon. I do acknowledge I am an easy nerd to please, but just go into it with an "open mind" or whatever. Is it good? Eh. Is it fun? Yes! Will I watch it again? Probably not, but if there's a season 2 I'll watch it. 🤷

[purrincess-chat]

Hey Cat! Did you like the new episode?

Okay, I finally watched both Revolution and Representation, and I can say off the bat, Revolution was the stronger of the two.

Obligatory spoiler warning if you're not caught up on ML.

An issue ML has always had is pacing, and I feel like Representation was very info-dumpy at times. Honestly some of that info should have been told in earlier seasons rather than all at once like that, plus it was a weird choice to go with the whole theater performance for that exposition imo, but eh.

Revolution was really good though in my opinion. I like how this season has been all about time or the lack there of. Gabriel is running out of time so he is taking bigger and bolder actions because he's getting desperate to accomplish his goal. On the other hand, Adrien and Marinette have been taking their relationship slow because they thought they had more time, but Gabriel's fuck up is becoming their problem too. There are a lot of moving parts this season for better and worse.

I loved seeing Adrien trying to communicate with Marinette but as always his father was in the way (indirectly this time through Chloe but still). I loved their kiss scene. You could say I'm a fan of big dramatic gut punching kisses like that as I've written one myself for them before. I love that Nathalie and Gorilla ship Adrinette (Gorilla tearing up after pulling them apart in the end that's adriens real dad yall!). Adrien trying to open the car door hurt my heart so much.

Then the whole Ladybug and Chat Noir growing up part. 💘 That was a top knuckle touch moment. I kind of wish it had come during a bigger battle like a season finale or some such, but it was still a touching moment with the citizens of Paris rising up to fight for them.

I also loved Marinette throwing Chloe's shit right back at her in the end. I know Chloe is young and deserves more redemption than Gabriel fucking lock my son in a padded cell because he won't break up with his girlfriend and I'm an adult psychopath Agreste, but at the same time, it's vindicating to see her lose everything. I've always thought that in order for Chloe to change she needed real consequences to her actions, and while I'm not holding my breath for a Chloe redemption, this is definitely going to do something to her for better or worse.

Representation was the weaker of the two imo. It just felt very disjointed and anticlimactic. I know it's setting up the finale, but it was kind of boring imo. The best part was Chat Noir fighting Gabriel and screaming his feelings at him. It's rare that Adrien gets to cutloose and speak his mind, especially to his father, so I did enjoy him telling his dad to get fucked. And how even when his whole world is falling apart, he still left his lady a cute voice-mail.

I am so OOOOOOO at the almost reveal. We could've had it alllllllllll. If he had stayed for 2 more seconds!! They were right there!! I hate them so much! I love them, but AHHHHH 😤

I did also like that Nino wore Marinette's crown the whole episode 😂 It wasn't much but it made me laugh.

Idk how I feel about Kagami and Felix knowing Marinette's identity, but I'm guessing since the finale is next and this is the end of the Agreste arc it likely won't matter much.

Idk. Overall, this season has been better than other ones as far as getting things moving and actually delving into the plot, which is interesting, but at the same time, I think they rushed a lot of things the past couple seasons. Again, pacing is a huge issue with this show, and I think if they just adjusted the sequence of events and spread some of the plot out more it would be a great show. I would have loved for Felix to be fleshed out more prior to Feligami happening. Senti theory should have been confirmed in s3, and we should have gotten that backstory back then. Or at least sprinkled throughout s4.

Curious for the finale. I'll be ranking the s5 episodes as well as adding them to my overall episode ranking after the finale airs and giving my final thoughts about the show as a whole up to this point. After that, I think I'm gonna take a bit of a break from ML. I'm going to visit my sister in a few weeks to see Taylor Swift (!!!) So, maybe I'll be back in August. I do also have a Zelink fic swirling around in my brain, so I might dive into that too. Idk I haven't written in like 6-7 months. I've been slow roasting some ideas though. I'm not completely abandoning ML, I promise! I will definitely stick around through at least mid s6 as far as keeping up with episodes, then depending on how s6 is going with the new writers will determine if I stay longer term. If I did drop off from watching canon tho, I'd likely still write fic for a while. I do love the kiddos and have lots of ideas left for them. You're not all rid of me yet.

Anyway, see you on the other side of the finale, lads. Godspeed.

[anaalnathrakhs]

Have fun!

🌵

🪐

🦷

🌿

🥐

🍅

🪲

omgggg back again w lots of questions i see, tysmmm

🌵 ⇢ share the link to a playlist you love

soooo i'm not really a playlist kinda guy i'll have to give you the only one i ever really made which is... well the songs are nice but i really didn't try towards the sound's cohesiveness so it might be a little disjointed. under the cut w everything else so as not to clog dashes.

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

uhhh i'll have to sayyyyy...

1. i'm getting more friendly with classmates and they're chill, i really enjoy studying with them and they're such nice personalities

2. reconnected w a friend that i was drifting apart from, we hung out lately and it's still cool

3. i'm slow at it but i'm collecting more and more cultural references and catching up with the canons of the arts it's fucking FANTASTIC i love so so many oldass poems and painting and !!

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

eh whenever I play therapist to my friends i always end back up saying something like "it sucks ass, it's fucked that it's happening, but stop biting back you're just gonna make everything suck even more" which is like. not necessarily always very comforting or empathetic, and sometimes inefficient bc emotions need to get out, but like. idk. Avoid, circumvent, check out, etc. Deflect, distract, find other stuff, etc. Wallow, exorcise, bitch about it, etc. i try to practice it too. You can really alienate people by letting your feelings out ON them instead of in their presence and with their support.

not sure that's full healthy i don't know anythingggg

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer’s block and low creativity

i am indeed currently stuck so. i guess my number one tactic is discussing stuff with people, not even necessarily my wip but being creative as a silly fun activity that leads to no writing can still warm up the engine mentally and then you can go write some stuff. i guess. it works sometimes.

🥐 ⇢ name one internet reference that will always make you laugh

i'm sorry it's in french but it kills me

🍅 ⇢ give yourself some constructive criticism on your own writing

I think I often don't take enough care of properly splitting and connecting clauses and sentences together. I can end up following my mental image and not describing crucial in-between frames that clear up events and allow for a smooth reading that doesn't leave the reader confused.

I'm very much a one-shot short form writer, by taste as much as lack of ability to write further, and it's in part because I leave a lot of warranted descriptions and explorations of concepts on the cutting room floor because it's challenging, long, and difficult to sequence and put into words. There's lots of themes that would warrant more exploration in my writing, that would need to be played out simultaneously with plot events, that would need to follow some kind of frame at least, and I forego building this skeleton so my fanfics are thinner than the theme could be.

Also, the crucial problem in everything I do, I know I won't go back to it so I do it LITERALLY one-shot. I tend to edit as I write and correct my formulations on the go A LOT, I don't force myself to that's just how I think whenever I write literally anything even simple as a post-it note, even though I know for creative writing it's bad practice. I'm also (related to that or not) deeply bored by and out of practice with editing and proofreading, so even when I force myself to I can't seem to focus on it and I catch nothing. It's easier to go back a few weeks or a few months later, rereading to refresh my memory and suck my own dick (or be horrified at what the hell i must've been thinking to write this bullshit), and then realize I left abominable errors and typos in important paragraphs.

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here

...it will need to be in french, because i may be a WIP serial monogamist but i'm still betrothed to one rn. conclave is living in my brain. and i'm living on the wikipedia page for john paul II's death.

Cette perspective de la protection divine sur la tombe du Saint-Père avait quelque peu réconforté Lawrence. Il y aurait encore une lueur de Sa grâce au chevet de son cher ami. La nature de cette vie de dévotion était telle que sa joie comme sa souffrance s’alourdissaient de la présence des pairs autour de soi, harmonisant leurs prières et leurs confessions. Bientôt, lorsque la nouvelle serait publiée dans un communiqué de presse, la vie de Lawrence, sede vacante, ne serait plus dédiée qu’à l’organisation du Vatican dans la perspective du conclave approchant. C’est après un instant de réflexion, dans les murmures emplissant les couloirs de Sainte-Marthe, qu’il pensât que feu le Saint-Père avait sans doute apporté à ce communiqué sa propre plume, de son vivant.

This is not the full paragraph, as I'm trying to write in proper french formatting and thus without dialogues those paragraphs as chunky as all hell. I started writing today with "de son cher ami" (yeah i had left that sentence hanging, i was clean out of ideas okay). I'm gonna attempt a stylistic calque to translate it in english, which will make it heavy and inelegant (not that it's light in french but yknow. tradition.) sorry abt that

This perspective of the divine protection on the Holy Father's tomb had somewhat comforted Lawrence. There would be, still, a gleam of His grace on his dear friend's bedside. The essence of this life of devotion was such that joy much like sorrow weighted down with the presence of one's peer around him, harmonizing their prayers and their confessions. Soon, when the news would break out in a statement, Lawrence's life, sede vacante, would be dedicated to no more than the organization of the Vatican in the perspective of the coming Conclave. It was after an instant of thought, in the whispers filling the hallways of Santa Marta, that it occurred that the late Holy Father had no doubt put on this press release his own spin, during his lifetime.

Thank you so much for asking that, I finished this paragraph and I'm pretty happy with it. I hope the translation holds some interest, I'm at least having a lot of fun with this WIP in french when I figure out some plot and I can smoothly put words on it.

Well, thank you for asking all of those in general!! tyyyy i hope it's fun to read

[rata-novus]

‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎better late than never!

༄₊ ⊹🎃✧˖°. ☾ october/horror 2024 watches ☽ ༄˖°.🍂.ೃ࿔*:･

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

🎃 Senritsu Kaiki File Kowasugi (10/7-x) overall, not what i expected, but not bad. only got thru half the series in spooky month, will finish eventually.

ep1 (10/7): kinda slow, but not boring. the final shot of the woman in the doorway gave me goosebumps.

ep2 (10/10): first third/half SUPER effective for me, esp the whole part where ichikawa's flashlight would turn off at the same point in the room. creepy. but then the last part was genuinely ?????? super intriguing but idk really what happened? the metaphysical/scifi aspects weren't ~scary~ to me but i keep thinking abt the episode so

ep3 (10/10): monster horror isnt my thing so eh, but the revelation at the end that those 2 characters are slowly turning into kappa like its an infection was neat.

ep4 (10/11): favorite so far, loved the spatial/time manipulation. but the scene of them time traveling. lol. lmao even.

ep5 (10/11): really liking how each episode is its own thing but clearly pointing to something bigger connecting everything. real curious abt what kudo "sees" since his coma incident.

ep6 - 10: DNF. didn't grip me compared to other stuff i wanted to watch, will finish at my own pace eventually.

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🎃 milk and serial (10/12) liked. flew by, didn't feel like an hour+. mc was super creepy & unhinged. acting felt real & natural. liked the twists. i think naomi & link finding milk's box w/ address to his torture shack was by his design. sequel maybe?

🎃 the void (10/12) liked. FANTASTIC practical effects, wowzers. kinda okay story, more aesthetics than plot but w/e. BIG silent hill vibes though a cult facilitating a "god" to be born, resurrection/reincarnation, physical manifestations of guilt and grief, etc. but like.... spacey/cosmic horror. v different from most mid-2010s or even modern day horror and i appreciate that.

🎃 the empty man (10/13) idk. intriguing but i really dont get the whole part about the people committing suicide. i feel like this is one of those movies i need to deep dive ppls meta analysis to really ~get it~. bc i don't really. honestly my favorite part was the very beginning w the freaky skeleton. what is he transmitting............

🎃 noroi: the curse (10/13) eh. kinda slow. unclear on certain plot points: what was the significance of kana being psychic and drawing that symbol/face/mask? what's up with the boy - another medium? hori was v distracting and borderline exploitative. liked how the seemingly disjointed segments started to connect together, but unfortunately didnt go all the way (see ? above) and too much unresolved. seen better japanese horror and found footage horror tbh sorry

🎃 late night with the devil (10/14) first off -1000000 for using genAI fuck that. second, god the beginning was as boring & cringey as a real late night talk show. which like, yeah ofc but also. i dont want to watch that so no ty. but lilly's appearance at the end was v cool, split head, coursing electrical energy. really liked that a lot. overall better than i thought it was gonna be, but just to the side of okay.

🎃 lake mungo (10/19) quite sad. being haunted by your future death reminds me of nell from haunting of hill house. alice meeting with the psychic and seeing from the perspective of her ghost in the future, paralleled with her mother in the future doing the same and not sensing alice anymore.... big sad. :( some of the spooky stuff did get to me. the recording of alice seeing her future dead body and the reveal that the neighbor was lurking in the house in one of the recordings especially. wtf grossssssss. overall more sad than scary, but i liked it. more effective for me than i thought it would be after reading reddit posts hating it. i feel like i need to be a defender of it now lmao

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🎃 midnight mass overall: forgive me father for i have sinned 🫦 -- dunno if it unseats hill house as my favorite flanagan show but damn it was fantastic.

ep1 (10/19): interesting. if i didnt already know it was abt vampires id be scratching my head rn. the final shot of the cats on the beach was laughable, and thats coming from a sensitive bitch who cant stand animal deaths in horor & frequently uses doesthedogdie lmao ....... rahul kohli can absolutely get it tho

ep2 (10/20): ok first off that whole bit about "pregnant people" was weird af and completely unnecessary. coulda just normalized inclusive language but instead we gotta draw attention to "umm actually ☝️🤓 its usually pregnant women". w/e. -- i think the cats were killed as sustenance (neck wounds), but idk abt the dog being poisoned? the vamp(s) just trying to get rid of the animals on the island so they dont act odd/pick up on the vamps? or smth specifically targeting that one guy, by the nun lady? hmm. -- was the (i presume) vamp stalking the pregnant lady from her house to the clinic bc it could sense her breakthru bleeding??? uew. -- the mimic of the voice near the end was a banger omg so creepy, and i love the reflective eyes v v v good. -- re leeza walking, something in the wine???

ep3 (10/20): is monsignor pruitt this new father paul????? fountain of youth ayoooo. but is he the vampire? nah hes the renfield aint he. what was with the trunk of dirt? ohhh ancestral soil ofc -- theory: the sheriff is gonna be the one to cotton on to smth being wrong bc he doesnt go to the church/drink the wine -- the scene between leeza & joe was so powerful, wow..... -- was father paul poisoned like the dog? kinda bummed if hes dead for good i thought for sure he was gonna be one of the (the only?) antagonists nvm lol, immortal? -- also comparing a vampire to an angel, esp in this context, is sick as hell, love that -- honestly getting big salems lot vibes which i do NOT hate at all tbh, also a bit of exorcist thrown in with the middle east and ruins and smth ~evil~ there

ep4 (10/21): ohhh is monsignor turning into a vampire? sun sensitivity.... -- noooo poor joe :( -- what is up with erin's "miscarriage"/never having been pregnant and her blood reacting to the sun when afair she never drank the wine? -- and riley too damn........

ep5 (10/21): oh hey well guess thats where the title comes from lol -- not, like, super duper crazy with the loooooong chunks of monologue tbh. sometimes it hits like with riley & monsignors back and forth over guilt but other times ehhhh -- speaking of, anyone else down bad for the priest or just me? ok nvm -- so far it seems the og vamp only ate from the stray cats, bowl (bill) and riley so far (maybe the mayor & wife but unclear), and it seems like its been a couple weeks since it arrived so the hunger must not be THAT insatiable, for like 99% of the town population to remain (relatively) unharmed? like, if everyone or even just MOST of them are turned, who they gonna eat? -- on the one hand riley being greeted in death by the uninjured form of the girl he killed in a car crash is beautiful. oh the other hand subjecting the love of your life to watching you burn to fucking death and now shes gonna row back to land with ur smoldering corpse is like. supremely fucked up riley. like i get that erin has to ~see to believe~ but what the hell man. the credits rolling and listening to her screams..... D:

ep6 (10/31): so it's not just the consumption of a vampires blood that makes one a vampire, but death as a catalyst for resurrection. holy shit i love that, flanagan you mad man. -- oh shiiiiit mildred shooting former lover priest in the head damn bitch okay -- bev you pussy ass bitch wont even drink the poison smh my head

ep7 (10/31): "it never felt like a sin, you never felt like a sin and our daughter was never a sin" aoughhhh this got me cryin -- was really rooting for the sheriff to make it out alive :( -- never been religious and have 0 religious trauma but god damn this show got me good, weeping all thru the end

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🎃 rosemary's baby (10/22) regrettably by roman polanski, but 🏴‍☠️ so eh. overall i really liked it. i had seen bits and pieces and i feel this is one of those medias that you kind of know through osmosis, but it was still an enjoyable watch, if not disturbing at times. tho minnis voice and mannerisms reminds me of vic's nana from very important people lmaoooo i cant unsee/hear it

🎃 event horizon (10/22) so far INCREDIBLE visuals, giving big hellraiser vibes with the disfigured/cut up bodies & the elaborate incomprehensible yet decorative engine brings to mind a mix of the lament configuration and biblically accurate angels. incredible. -- why only trauma hallucinations from a few of the crew? the rest were just peachy keen? not a smidge of trauma? bummer tbh -- hot damn the gore visuals are blink and u miss it but sick as hell -- but what happened with justin? rescue crew said he was alive but like.... mentally???? -- pacing felt just a titch off, like shtf so close to the end i feel like the descent could have been smoother, but otherwise i really loved this one

🎃 the exorcist (book) (10/1 - 10/23) liked WAY more than i thought i would. gonna be 4 stars for reference. 2 things i disliked: chris' internal monologues were annoying and shes more than a bit of a yuppie (the point i guess), AND the fact that psychokinesis is just a FACT in this world (ie possession can't be concluded by moving objects / mind reading bc those are observable in clinical settings in ppl with mental issues) bothered me so much!!! like..... if a DEMON can read your mind, move objects, as established w regan, you can't just chalk it up to NO WAY being possession. wtf???? anyway, everything else was great. really liked the reveals (regan's paint found at the church desecration, regan speaking backwards & mentioning merrin before he's even seen on page). the foreshadowing of karras' demise. very disturbing scenes iykyk, and even the detective parts were fun in the end. dunno if i'll read the sequel (legion) but i've heard the show is v good? 👀

🎃 hell house llc (10/25) 1 (10/25): love, it's a classic at this point, most of the scares dont get to me but surprisingly a few still do, solid ending 2 (10/25): kind of worse acting than the first but still liked, enjoy where the overarching plot is going re drawing people to the house 3 (10/25): definitely upped the production value, the scene of the actress in the basement with the clown is top tier but otherwise it was okay. first is still the best tbh, feels like they explained too much and im more of a fan of ambiguity. since the first 3 films take place in the same building, there's a weird feeling of familiarity & coziness lmao, i could see this series being a comfort rewatch fr origins (10/26): margot was definitely at the fair where tully/cult was kidnapping ppl for the abaddon hotel sacrifices, huh. -- did NO ONE think to check rebecca's cam w/ the body on the bed???? like they've seen other proof of the supernatural but cmon -- ohh that whole scene of rebecca screensharing w her boss and the pictures leading right up to her bedroom door grossssssss bleghhhh i love it -- overall liked this one a lot. still confused abt some stuff (where was the dad's body? why was patrick's arm better? his place in the cult, are the souls (patricks?) bound to the clown costumes etc), but super effective horror for me. sometimes i dont need all the qs answered u know?

🎃 the outwaters (10/26) ppl on reddit said they hated this as much as skinamarink & both are deathly boring but i LOVED skinamarink so lets gooooo -- 38 minutes in. is like...... no one going to aknowledge these sounds???? -- i get the bugs being creepy but are these donkeys supposed to be ominous? bc they just look like sweet cute babies 2 me -- these are the WORST flashlights in the entire world my GOD. -- suddenly, screaming flesh snakes. sure why not -- ooohh space time fuckery? is robbie the axe man? -- i literally cannot see what's happen 90% of the time, its like trying to watch a movie through a pinprick. like near the end he could have been pointing a flashlight at a bbq beef brisket for all i could tell. certainly a choice meant to invoke the claustrophobia and isolation and confusion of the pov, but missed the mark. by a lot. -- theres some neat ideas in here (time travel/time loop where robbie is the one killed and also the killer, with cosmic horror to boot), if i could see anything. loved skinamarink, super effective for me and though it was grainy at least you could SEE, this was. eh. i will say the sound design was great. would have loved to see literally any part of the entity near the end that's making it! the end itself was actually good imo, grotesque but better than seeing a 90% black screen tbh. potential.

🎃 lovely, dark, and deep (10/29) very interesting visuals, kinda cosmic horror in the woods. reminiscent of the "stairs in the woods" and "search and rescue" nosleep stories. also big PT vibes, especially in the scenes in the house, very cyclical/loop in nature but different traumatic events each go thru. love a horror movie that doesnt hold your and and leaves the interpretation up to the viewer. backrooms-esque liminal space? purgatory? mc processing her grief and trauma? dream sequence? hell? are the woods just real fucked up in this natl park? yes. (unfortunately?) it was kinda explained at the end, but i still really liked it. i dunno now the mc could keep working as a ranger, knowing that they just.... let this shit happen. and to perpetuate it....... i do wonder abt the ranger in the beginning, making the choice to get taken. what was his story?

🎃 a house at the bottom of a lake (10/29 - 10/31) 4.5 stars. idk what exactly happened, but i really loved it. great atmosphere (dark, under water, claustrophobic - frankly do not understand people who say this isnt horror lmao), easy to read in a day, perfect for halloween (when I read it). i interpret the ending as james and amelia still being under the obsession of the house, possibly still underwater. like the past 12-or-so days was a "test" of some sort. what finding the house in the real world means, i dont know, but i'm all for horror not holding my hand and it just being about ~the vibes~ which this one nailed for me. the scenes where the flashlights go off? and then house lights turn on? chilled. incredible what you can enjoy when u dont have a hater yappin in ur ear that it sucks <3 

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[ * = re ]

(series) • alien (alien*, aliens*, alien 3*, resurrection*, prometheus, covenant, romulus) • hell house llc (1*, 2, 3, origins) • midnight mass

(films) • nightmare on elm street • the thing* • the outwaters • noroi • the void • event horizon • rosemary's baby • lovely, dark, and deep

(youtube) • backrooms (kane pixels)* • gemini home entertainment*

(books) • the exorcist • uzumaki*

(next year, or b4 next halloween) • smile 2 • the substance • in a violent nature • horror in the high desert • leaving dc • i saw the tv glow

[x-v4mp3y3lin3r-x]

Okay tonight I saw the bway tour Jagged Little Pill and here's some immediate thoughts:

The characters weren't fleshed out enough, or if they did have some flesh, their character arcs never became of anything.

Like, why set up the whole thing with Phoenix's family and him being traumatized by being forced to give his disabled sister hospice care, and then it's never brought up or mentioned again, AND we see him helping MJ (a stranger who hates him??) in the hospital??! This BAFFLED ME!!

Don't even get me started on the fact that they repeat "see women as people" several times and yet Bella's entire character is just "Rape Victim #1". we literally learn nothing else about her. we never learn about her interests or her family or her friends (despite that friend group playing a huge role in the main plot of the musical) and her being heavily alluded to being ~interested~ in Nick means absolutely nothing, they never even talk about it.

I don't mind Frankie being a hypocrite, but like, come ONNNN why write a character that's so obsessed with "consequences" that she jumps to conclusions and accuses her brother of being intentionally complicit in (or maybe even encouraging) assault— and then never following through with her "fall from grace"! she wants so desperately to force "consequences" onto people, and then her "consequences" for cheating on Jo are nothing. Literally nothing. She ends up friends with Phoenix (who she doesn't give a shit about) and Jo (who is clearly moving on) anyways! and I guess her "consequences" are supposed to be the fact that Phoenix won't date her/say he loves her, but girl.... if you used me to cheat on someone and then refused to listen to me/my feelings while simultaneously demanding I do things for you, I wouldn't wanna date you either! And she doesn't even learn her lesson.

there's clearly a parallel between Jo being frozen after walking in on Frankie cheating, and Nick being frozen when he walks in on the rape, except it's like they forgot to write a conversation talking about how freezing in those situations is an understandable human response? I would've loved to see Jo and Nick have a convo and talk those moments through, considering they don't get to talk about it with anyone else..

why was Steve even there when his character meant nothing and contributed nothing to the story or plot

I like how all the main characters in this story are complex and have their own flaws. I just wish we got to learn literally anything about them, or see them grow at all. We did order the book, so I do intend to read it, and I hope I enjoy it more tbh because man I see the vision here, I'm just not sure this was a story that needed to be told using disjointed Alanis Morissette songs

Why did we never address MJ slapping Nick. what the fuck.

idk man there were just a lot of underutilized things in this show. like they half-wrote it and were like "eh, good enough!" and the worst part is that I would've been FINE with it being longer! Act 2 already felt crazy short to me?? of they'd slapped another 15 minutes on and let some other characters talk shit out, I would've really enjoyed it

in fact, why did Steve get SOOOO many speaking parts in the show when I would've loved more Jo, Pheonix, Nick, or Bella instead.

They never actually resolve the issue of MJ and Steve trying to revoke Frankie's racial status, other than MJ saying she's going to have to do some uncomfortable learning. would have loved to see some of that uncomfortable learning in action. show, don't just tell, y'know?

[pacifymebby]

my bloody valentine // chapter two

That night I slept uncomfortably. It was a restless sleep which gripped me, dragging me in and out of strange dreams which threaded together so blurred and disjointed that when I woke I could hardly remember a thing. Only that I'd been scared, only that I'd had the overwhelming feeling of being followed through each and every dream into the next. As if a shadow had been lurking in the back of my mind, drifting with me in and out of each strange memory.

By the time my alarm went off the next morning I felt all kinds of shaken up. My memory of the evening before a little hazy so that for a moment I'd completely forgotten the strange encounter from the evening before.  The man who had attacked me and the unfamiliar lad who had known my name when he'd saved me.

I rubbed my eyes as I rolled over and nuzzled into my pillow, reaching out to silence my alarm only to realise that it wasn't my alarm at all.

I saw Alys' name on the screen, the little circle which held a photograph of her like a locket all lit up. My stomach twisted into a guilty knot as I remembered the promise I hadn't kept.

"Hey," I yawned into the receiver pushing myself up on one elbow, stretched to look out the window only to realise that I'd slept into the early afternoon. I let out a little whimper and fell back into bed defeated before I'd even gotten up.

"Hey sorry Johnny made me phone, para as he is," sighed Alys, "how're you feelin? I was surprisingly hungover this morning but Johnny brought me a Greggs on his way back from his run and honestly it saw me reet..."

"Lucky you," I pouted debating whether to tell her the full details of my night, wondering if I even knew all the details to share with her. "I feel shit," I said, "you woke me up Aly," I whined shocking her though she really shouldn't have been shocked.

"What? Dude it's like 2pm what the fuck?"

"Yeah," I sighed rubbing my eyes, my head still feeling heavy and thick, "I don't know man, I feel rotten though, not even like hungover either just fuckin... Rough..."

"Huh," she said so that I could hear the sound of a frown in her voice, "maybe you're coming down with somet I don't know..."

"Fuck sake I hope not," I grumbled pushing myself out of bed, wandering into the kitchen to flick the kettle on.

"Hey," she said with a teasing smile, "nothing a shitty instant coffee won't fix eh? You'll be better for tonight yeah?"

For a moment I frowned, a little confused as to what she was referring to. That was until I remembered exactly what I'd agreed to that evening.

"Fuck," I breathed remembering the Halloween party they threw every year at the bar Johnny's best mate ran.

"Oh no don't you dare missy!" She gasped defensively, not that I would dare to stand her up anyway.

"Don't worry," I said with a soft self sympathetic little smirk, "I'll be there alright..."

"You'd better be."

"I will!" I giggled getting a little defensive myself then because I'd never let her down before. That was why me and Alys were friends, because we were the two lassies left standing at the end of the night, never ones to turn down an afters or another drink. We were the two who would nurse a hangover with a pint at breakfast. I wasn't the kind of girl who passed up on a party, ever. Alys knew that. "When have I ever let you down before eh?" And when I asked her that she was forced to agree and apologise for ever doubting me.

"So you should be sorry," I grinned pushing myself out of bed with a small sigh, wandering through to the kitchen to put the kettle on and make myself one of those shitty instant coffees Alys had recommended. Not that I was entirely sure caffeine was going to get me through.

"Turn up early and I'll share the fancy wine Johnny got for me birthday," she sang down the phone in an attempt to tease me out of my flat as soon as possible. I knew what that meant though, if I showed up early enough she could rope me into helping set up.

"I'll see what I can do..." I said thinking about what I was going to wear because I hadn't planned my costume and I had no idea what I was going wear. Johnny was always very particular about making sure we all kept to his no costume no entry rule.

"Hey Ally who are you dressin as?" I asked as I sipped my shitty instant coffee, hoping she might be able to offer me a little inspiration.

"Wendy from the Shining," she said with a smile, "Johnny is going as "here's Johnny" obviously," she added with a smirk, "like literally the door," she scrunched her face up trying not to laugh as she went on explaining how he'd had her brainstorm ways of making a wearable door on the walk home last night.

"God what I wouldn't give to take a walk through that boys mind for one day," I sighed dramatically as Alys dropped another detail from their journey and the unhinged rant her boyfriend had gone on. But as she talked about their walk home my mind drifted back to the end of my evening and a shudder ran down my spine.

Not at the memory of being threatened by that stranger who wanted my wallet and phone, but by the memory of standing on my doorstep talking to Sam.

How one minute he'd been there and the next he'd vanished. How I'd felt so lonely when I realised he'd gone.

"Alys..." I said not thinking twice about cutting her off midsentence because id been too lost in my own thoughts to realise she was still talking.

"Aye pet?"

"Do you and Bonds know a lad called Sam?" I asked chewing my cheek, trying to remember exactly how he'd looked when he'd been stood opposite me on the rainwet road.

"Fender?" She asked but I could only shrug.

"I don't know I don't know his second name..." I said a little wistfully, raising my coffee to my lips and taking another sip. Gazing through the condensation on my window out at the carpark down below, picturing me and the lad in question standing there in the middle of the night.

Where had he gone when he'd disappeared. There were no corners to flit away behind, no shadows to swallow him whole. He must have travelled so fast for me not to have seen him.

And why hadn't he stopped to say goodnight.

"Tall?" She asked biting back a laugh when she realised, "though I guess anyone would be standing next to you..."

"I'm not fucking short!" I gasped horrified by the accusation, which wasn't true. I was just more short that Alys because Alys was supermodel tall.

"Uhuh," she grinned enjoying the spark she'd ignited in my temper, "you know Fender though," she carried on, "you must do he's one of Bonds little besties..."

"I don't know..." I hummed taking my bottom lip between my teeth thoughtfully, "I don't know I mean, that's what he said too..."

"Aye you must have met before, he'd have been at a gig with us or somet, definitely been down the pub with us before..."

Still despite her certainty I couldn't be sure. Something felt strange to me, because I was sure I'd have remembered that face, that presence of I'd ever met him before. There'd been something so captivating about him. I'd not been able to get him off my mind all night, not even through my sleep. And now there I was still thinking about him... So how could I have met him before without ever really noticing him?

"What's the matter you got a big girly crush on him?" She asked giggling when I tried to respond and my words caught in my throat, "I don't blame you like he's fit as fuck," she said gasping on the other end of the line when someone - presumably Johnny - threw something at her. "You want me to reintroduce you the neet?" She grinned, I could hear it in her voice, that wicked formulating a scheme sort of grin she often wore at times like these. When she was teasing me.

"He's gonna be at yours tonight?" I asked suddenly a little uncertain, my stomach twisting with nerves at the thought of seeing him again. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him again it was the thought of what I would say to him. I had to thank him for saving me but all I really wanted was to ask where and why he'd gone.

"Like I said," she shrugged, "he's one of bondys little besties..."

So I was forced to accept my fate. Forced to accept that in a few hours time I would come face to face with the man who had saved me and then abandoned me on my doorstep. Forced to accept that I was going to have to look up into those frozen eyes once again and try to think of something good to say.

I wasn't exactly the painfully shy type, not when I was with friends anyway, but there was something about Sam which left me feeling all kinds of on edge.

By the time Alys had relented her teasing and put the phone down I'd finished one shitty instant coffee and made myself another, sipping it slowly as I sat in the middle of my bedroom floor trying to think of a decent costume.

"Fuck it," I mumbled pushing myself up off the floor heading to my wardrobe to grab the creme vneck sweater I'd bought only a few weeks before and a pair of low-rise blue jeans. I tossed the jeans on my bed and took the sweater to the kitchen where I stabbed it through the middle with a kitchen knife watching as the knit tore and the knife cut through leaving a whole I could poke my fingers through and rip a little wider.

I stained it red by soaking it in wine and stood back to admire my less than artful attempt at a creative costume. I left it to dry and dragged myself to the shower to attempt to get ready.

I knew that somewhere in a box I had a blonde wig from last year's shite attempt at portraying Courtney Loves role in Straight to Hell, so I could cut that shorter and be Drew Barrymore easily.

It wasn't exactly the best idea I'd ever had and it certainly wouldn't be the hottest I'd ever looked but it would do. Johnny wouldn't deny me entry and that was all that mattered.

And in fact when he saw me he grinned laughing that me and his girlfriend had matching accessories.

"What possessed you to carry a big fuck off kitchen knife up the road with you pet..." he grinned as he made a show of telling me off for being irresponsible and setting a bad example to the bairns.

Though being one of his younger friends I pretty much was one of the bairns in his eyes.

I hadn't arrived late but I'd arrived late enough to avoid the gruelling process of setting up with Alys and though she poured at me and accused me of being late on purpose she still swept me off my feet in an excitable hug, squeezing me tight before dragging me off to her bedroom where she'd hidden her fancy wine.

In typical Alys style she uncorked it and took a swig straight from the bottle as she began recounting the drinks her and Johnny had already taste tested that evening. Bond had a knack for making cocktails and the general rule of thumb was that the later you asked him for one the more wild the concoction was.

But it wasn't really wine or to tell me about the espresso martinis he'd whipped up for them that she'd taken me to her bedroom for.

"You still feeling rough?" She asked with a cheeky smile, a light gleaming in her eyes, "cause I've got something that might perk you up..." she smiled as she took out her keys and a little bag of white powder.

"Well I'm not gonna say no to that am I," I bit down on my smile as I watched her do a bump herself. She laughed when she caught her reflection in the mirror and saw the powder dusted on the tip of her nose. "That's just sad Ally," I smirked reaching across to take the keys from her, grinning because I knew I wasn't about to do any better.

This wasn't exactly regular practice for me and it was only the third time I'd ever done it, but I knew it would wake me up, knew it would make it easier to face the room full of half strangers half 'friends' in Ally's living room. Because although I was her trouble making best friend from uni I was much quieter, more reserved than her.

I was the girl who'd inexplicably managed to get a reputation for being cool simply by being quiet. By watching and holding back in conversation instead of taking center stage. Not because I was cool but because most of the time I felt shy to talk to people I didn't really know well enough to call my friends.

It meant that whilst Alys and Johnny had hundreds of pals between them, Alys and Johnny were my only close friends. So the living room full of people I'd probably met once or twice before was an intimidating thought when I was sober and a little tired from my sleepless night. It wouldn't be however for very long.

[sunset-synthetica]

realized halfway through im talking to my liberal white cishet teacher so i switched from Marxism to UHM FASCISM BAD BECAUSE UH. PEOPLE ARE MEAN! but I'd already talked about Palestine atp so the whole thing is disjointed as fuck. and might get me kicked out because Czechia is like at the top of the Israel fanclub. but eh

just wrote the worst essay of my LIFE lmao

[biillys]

you starve for attention but you've been biting the bullet for years

can't buy pride with good intentions can't buy luck with no religion

four year strong; heaven wasn't built to hold me

[lostjulys]

hey wake up babe it's ur favorite cbeeduo author back in town with fucking uhhhhhhhhhh not cbeeduo thats for sure! (homestuck. spoiler alert its homestuck.)