#this is personal i dont want to get into it out of nowhere
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a cure to jealousy- head pats, xavier x reader
c/w: probs ooc, lowercase everything, xaviers jealous, that new kitty events got me in a chokehold, sickness (cold),
youre an attractive person, xavier knows that- i mean who wouldnt want you? you had the most beautiful smile, one that reached your eyes, speaking of eyes- yours were beautiful. to xavier they were like the stars, nebulae would shy away in awe and jealousy because of your sheer beauty. you hands, hands which he could hold, nuzzle against, the same hands that gave him pats whenever and wherever were now being held by anthor.
if you asked anybody what this sight looked like, they would respond by saying it was a confession, one that was being rejected. they would pay no attention to you soft familiar hands, your dazzling eyes, and your sincere smile. but for xavier- it was all he could look like. i mean, how dare this rando think he could hold you hand without permission?
but before that, allow me to paint the picture for you.
xavier had fallen ill shortly after magically evolving into a feline, you two werent sure it was because of the transformation- but one thing was for certain, it was a bad cold. he was sweating, his cheeks red, his voice raspy- if this was a different situation, it wouldnt cause much worry. but seeing how frail he was, you had declared that you would go to the store to buy him some medicine.
and my declare, i literally mean that- not only was he clingy because he was a cat but he was clingy because he was sick. so he turned into the ultimate clingy monster.
so, you decided to venture out of your shared home to the local pharmacy, thats where you saw a fellow coworker- one who did not know you had a boyfriend.
and as you purchased the medicine and began to walk back home as you approached your door, h stoppd you- with red cheeks, and a rapid heartbeat he grabbed your hand. and as though it were only the two of you there, he yelled out "i like you, please go out with me!" and if this was a shojo manga, this wouldve been cute.
but it wasnt.
you promptly rejected him, letting go of his hands after a moment- not knowing that your boyfriend lingered by your door, seeing all of this unfold.
after you had left, he decided to take a nap- but not seeing you, or feeling your presence made him pout. his ears ringing, his hart thumping, making so much noise that most of his thoughts were drowned out. but one lingered, and this thought was about you and your absence.
he decided to get up, and wait by the door, no matter how many weird stares he got from neighbors wondering by this sickly boy was standing by the door for so long.
you stopped when you saw him before smiling, a smile which instantly disappeared as he looked away with a pout.
"have you already decided to abandon me so quickly? youre so quick to hold the hand of others, but ever since i got sick youve kept your distance from me." his ears dropped as he crossed his arms, tilting his chin down for an added effect.
you walked over to him, not without chuckling- which wasnt taken well. his ears seemed to droop even more now.
"xav, it was just a guy from work, i rejected him- he was nowhere near as good as you." you teased as you brought your hand to pat his head, this was also not well recieved. he turned his head away, rejecting the pats even though thats what he desperately craved for at the moment.
you ushered him inside the house and turned to him once more as the door closed, "dont worry xav, my hearts only with you. but if you insist that it isnt then ill hav no choice but to leave." you let out a fake somber sigh,
to say this alarmed xavier was an understatement, because that pout soon turned into a frown. if it was any other day, hed insist- but with this horrible cold that decided to attack him, he leaned into your touch with defeat.
and it was there when you felt the familiar softness of his hair as he allowed you to stroke his ears once more. he sounded as though he was purring- your touch made him melt. his body slumping against yours as you two made your way to your shared bed. and after giving him medicine, he clung onto your like there was no tomorrow.
and you too had to accept defeat as you laid with him, his breaths slowing as he surrender to his drowsiness- peaceful now that you were by his side and not somebody elses. content with your warmth, and more than content that hed spend the rest of his life with you.
at least he hoped he would.
dividers from @/nicodefresas and @/konatasoup
how do i improve this story? i know hes ooc, but what would make him less ooc?
#lads fluff#lads x you#lnds x reader#love and deepspace x reader#love and deepspace#lads#lads xavier#lnds xavier#loveanddeepspace#love and deepspace mc#xavier#fanfiction#lads x reader#evadnesworld#romance#fluff
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Sorry, I'm Retarded
#my art#CW R slur#r word#i can explain why this is named that if someone takes offense but ill wait til someone asks because#this is personal i dont want to get into it out of nowhere
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I personally think that Kikyo would absolutely be thrilled that Illumi found himself a man he wants to marry as strong, handsome and fit to be Zoldyck as Hisoka.
Hisoka is strong enough to be considered an equal to a zoldyck, which means strength is no problem for him. And I don't know about you but the way he assassinated that terradin man that was threatening to reveal illumis identity at the end of the election arc? CHEFS. KISS. THATS A WHOLE ZOLDYCK WIFE RIGHT THERE. And Hisoka is a certain type of fucked up enough to be a Zoldyck, even if he is... mmm.. self aware. Even if he himself thinks zoldycks are a special kind of fucked up. He'd fit.
I always see people make silva and kikyo disagree with illumi marrying hisoka but i soooo heavily disagree. Like what is there NOT to be proud of in Illumi's marriage choice. There is not a single other character IN THE ENTIRE ANIME fit to be Zoldyck than Hisoka Morow and I will fight people on that.
Something a lot of people also don't realize is that the Zoldycks are not a family that discriminates in the slightest (this is a whole discussion on its own but examples are how Kikyo is from meteor city, the butlers are taken from anywhere as long as they have the skill to work and one of the people who attacked kukuroo mountain to hunt the zoldycks now works for them instead. The zoldycks didnt hesitate to hire that mf they fr dont gaf lmfao)
there are soooooooo many misconceptions about the zoldycks in general and i think thats what aids the whole "the zoldycks would HATE hisoka" thing but like. nah. they wouldnt.
I also think about how Kikyo found Silva at such a young age. I bet she was constantly nagging Illumi and asking when he'd get a partner himself. Now he's got it, Millukiiii ITS YOOOURRR TURRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!
#some people would say “oh theyll hate him when they meet him!” but why though.#“the way he dresses!” ?? so what. have u seen the way the zoldycks dress lmfao. their son is literally twinning with that magician#“he'll make it weird” Ya Allah no he fucking wont 💀 people base this off a very fanon characterization of hisoka.#Like no he wont moan out of nowhere because theyre a powerful family he already knows that buddy.#hes kept it in multiple times before in a muted reaction please stop making it seem like hes a man with no self control i beg lmfao#Surprise surprise Hisoka acts weird on purpose when he puts on a show because thats how he wants to be percieved#but hes very self aware and knows whats considered weird and disrepectful and certainly wont fuck it all up for him and illumi for 0 reason#me when i finally get to marry the love of my life and i fuck it up because i decide itd be quirky and the fans want me to#hisoka is a much more calmer and quiet person when hes not purposely being weird and thats what people dont want to accept#anyways rant over#whewwww thats a rant and a half lmfao#I wish hisoka as a character was given more analysis and study than the 3 scenes that make him popular#anyways. rant TRULY over. here are the normal tags#hisoillu#hisoka x illumi#illumi#illumi zoldyck#hisoka#hisoka morow#hisoka zoldyck#hunter x hunter#hxh#my post#i feel like if i mentioned how hisoka has adhd on here id get thrown pitchforks at.#let alone the fact that hes very asexual coded#i dont really feel safe on this website at all to discuss any of this yet lmao#people literally laugh when you say hes shy when its literally??? a canon fact stated by hisoka himself?? and backed up by many scenes????#but i dont think i ever will feel safe here tbh. i just have to. do it. and fuck it whatever happens or whoever laughs at me.#just like ive done on twitter for years until ive finally created a complete safe space for myself#secret rant at the end because maybe nobody will look here
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thinking about frank and sex (in a sad way)
#marvel#frank castle#the punisher#not as in about sex with him but like how hes portrayed in relation to it in the comics if that makes sense#hes just always so deeply uninterested not just in the women but the act itself too like#so many times hes like. not pressured thats the wrong word but like i can think of at least two times i saw#where the women just kinda. walk themselves into his bed. and hes like 'eh idk about this' but then just kinda does it anyway#like i imagine the writers intended for this to be like a cool guy thing yk like ah he gets so much action and he DOESNT CARE cuz hes COOL#but ME personally i cant help but read it like. god idk i dont want to say him letting himself get used and using them in turn#theres this expression 'going through the motions' that kind of feels right here but idk how to explain it#hes just so weird about it. every time. in my mind i cant imagine him ever really wanting it very much#like maybe to feel good sometimes but its never. idk am i making sense am i just saying shit#is he gay asexual missing his dead wife or just so so fucking traumatized and dead on the inside that his body is just an object now#so many fun ways to interpret this#<guy who is not having fun interpreting this#wish i could just project my thoughts into your heads so youd see exactly what i mean cuz i dont feel im verbalizing this well enough#god take a shot every time i say 'like' or 'just'. youll be off your face from this post only#i may be making shit up tbh idk the thought struck me out of nowhere while i was looking at the ceiling
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lying here in bed and thinking abt how alienated out i feel in the cookie run fandom. and then theres a polish sitcom playing in the background from a different room.
#mostly like. i feel so alienated out for like. having such different views of chars.#dark choco is a char i find myself to relate to a lot. i see so much of myself in him.#and yet. i cant get fully interested and that makes me feel. am i even a true fan of his character#if my interpretation is so vastly different from the fandoms#and how his kingdom is probably my least favourite out of all the ancients' kingdoms#for how i feel like ppl and the narrative tend to forget how dark cacaos kingdom is so flawed.#like the whole “no sweet meals” thing. i am not talking abt irl influences and how it impacts the presentation of the kingdom but more like#i feel like ppl tend to perfectionize dark cacao kingdom while ignoring a ton of systematic issues in it.#then theres my opinion on hollyberry. i love her. shes my favourite ancient. but i wish we got a more serious storyline with her#im not all catched up on the lore but i just wish rlly wish we got more of the hollyberry kingdom. and see holly display a wider range of-#-emotions.#i hope the eternal sugar update will get us some hollyberry kingdom angst because i need some more serious characterization for her that r-#-not just snippets#then theres. white lily. i feel like im the only person who liked the fact white lily got her own kingdom and was split into two versions.#it DID come out of nowhere but like. i feel like its sort of more interesting than just white lily being fully DE?#her update was a fiasco with how shadow milk stole the show that was meant to be hers.#but like. so many of my opinions are different than the fandoms that i just cant help but feel like an intruder sometimes#i dont want to sound like a pick me or someone who thinks they r special for being different. because im not.#i do not like this feeling. but i needed to be open abt it ig#cookie chat#theres also like. the lack of proper characterization for carrow besides “good loyal soldier”.#that annoys me as hell too#fyi i DO NOT hate dark cacao kingdom to be clear. i love it a ton. the cultural influences are so interesting and i love the setting.#i just wish ppl didnt brush off a lot of systematic flaws abt it.
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the more i think abt goldica the more i like it
#mine#like yes i get it theyre boring straight people booo but hear me out .#the fact chica is goldens main motivation for joining the animatronics triggering his whole arc?#the fact chia is the beakon of what golden wants? a good person who will love hil wothout asking anything in return?#and their first meeting perfectly encamsulates that? when golden is feeling miserable and as lonely as ever and she comes in out of nowhere#and does a nice act for him without getting anything in return?#and he follows her wherever she leads after that because he truly believes no one else would love him like that?#and the way he loves her strange quirks that have pushed people away bc his loyalty to her is unshakable?#and it just adds to her being different from all the people who have claimed to love him but ended up using him?#and how she sees golden not sjowing up for practice as a betrayal because she trusted him and at the end of the day#it was chica who created the band and hisbloyalty to her should also be to the band? so him flaking on the band is flaking on her?#and the way neither of them want to show their weak moments? the way they never speak of what haunts them? and that is effectively what#makes their relationship fall apart? even thougj they lobe wach othee deeply? because they simoly cant be vulnerable and honest?#because they dont want to be weak in front of the othee?#can anyone hear me#im going insane#ive been planning an analyisis of goldica but i havent gotten around to rewatching the series to make it#and its driving me crazy i think#fnafhs
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its been like. nearly a year (How.) already but i cannot lie theres Still a part in the back of my brain occupied with and being thoroughly entertained by the way that childes confirmed 4.0 complete self-awareness over waking up the narwhal at 14 recontextualizes some key liyue things leading to some very funny self indulgent scenarios in my head
like yes chili is old news its basic please excuse me for predictable popular ship crimes (do NOT however associate me w the crimes of fanon against their actual range. theyre peak to Me) but i just keep replaying the imagery of zhongli and childe back on their homoerotic Professional Working Relationship bullshit where their flirting passed the jkjk unless treshold of even remotely plausible deniability like 8 exorbitantly priced business dinners ago and theyre just like. doing that whole song and dance now neither committing to a move except zhonglis presently feeling moderately conflicted (but nonetheless fairly unfazed at) by the prospects of actually developing some sort of a thing for the harbinger hes supposed to puppet master into executing the major story climax of his 67-step retirement plan bc he turned out to be quite the strangely charming ginger specimen (to His weird fucking 6000 year old tastes at least. they deserve each other) with some fascinating life ambitions he cant help but be enraptured by.
but because hes still 100% Locked In on his entire plan zhonglis also just . simultaneously dual wielding his coy-ass "i like you and am taking it slow to Savor this developing relationship (Also bc of the Geo Archon Shaped Elephant In The Room) except am old as shit so my languid sense of time inadvertedly Automatically turns my behavior into an equivalent of the dark souls boss of playing hard2get" act (cue "waddup im ajax 24 and im in fucking agony with this hot funeral consultant". Yes they live like this) AND also meticulously theorycrafting like 12 moves in advance for his 6d chess play of leaving the most subtly crafted trail of breadcrumbs behind for the tsaritsas 11th to follow into the intended & completely "Coincidental" idea of unleashing the one particular sealed sea deity that zhongli Specifically wants momentarily released for his sweet 6k retirement party and graduation test for the nation hes helicopter parented for 3.7k years .
like. this is zhongli we r talking about the guy Absolutely has it planned out down to a fucking art like he has an entire branching path dialogue tree planned and memorized like its a visual novel for every possible way he can conveniently namedrop osial in a non-suspect way and also that he just happens to be sealed right over there across the harbor (what a coincidence!) and also to slip in the intel about the latent power of the sigil of permission etc etc. like zhonglis just out there doing all this massive galaxy brain computational work simultaneously while infodumping on an academic level about whichever subject childes latest random comment of amicable small talk happened to remind him of because in his helicopter parent in remission mind its Absolutely Critical that the idea about releasing osial occurs Completely organically in childes mind it Has to he Cannot risk revealing anything . (hes in remission not in recovery guys.) so like here we are. he requested notes from the tsaritsa Personally on the character of her 11th just to ensure every move was painstakingly crafted to draw him Specifically to the intended conclusion without risking revealing his true identity .
except. the thing . neither he. nor the tsaritsa . would have been informed of . is that this simply isnt childes first fucking rodeo waking up an eldritch city sized sea creature . and he is very well aware of this fact . he woke that beautiful wonderful beloved huge fucking narwhal up by himself had his brain chemistry Immediately and Irrevocably rewired as a direct consequence do you fucking think hes somehow stopped thinking about that singular moment for even a second since then???
yeah . thought so.
so what actually ends up happening in reality is theyll be on another definitely-serious-business-not-just-a-date and zhonglis going to get down to like dialogue selection part 10 of the 86 step conversation tree at Most where hes only beginning to like Vaguely allude to the key pieces of information involved but it turns out Because Hes That Guy (TM) And Has Been There Done That Before childes basic pattern recognition and sense of irony simply proceed to kick in Way ahead of time and hes Immediately perking up like Hey wouldnt it be really fucking funny if i wake up an eldritch sea beast Again . like just in case. as a last ditch effort .
and zhonglis just sitting there seeing the gears turn in his head as they enjoy their cringe fucking picnic (bc they just stare at each other intently like that nowadays its a thing. being in a room with them by this point is essentially a human rights violation) and is just completely fucking flabbergasted and lost on how in the hell childes speedran his way to that conclusion at what amounts to barely a 13% completion rate in his whole overkill fucking plan (just 1 of 3 contingencies btw) and its like yes he has his intended outcome but also precisely 0 idea on how the fuck said outcome was reached the way it was this fast . like hes still winning its His plan thats well underway and ahead of schedule but How
(pov: ur selling the concept of waking up destructive sea creatures to the guy who woke up a celestial body eating cosmic whale at 14)
anyway its truly beautiful i absolutely detest these two and have prime liyue AQ hijinks nostalgia now thank you for the lore drop that allowed this to become canon in my head hoyo
#im sorry for completely out of nowhere ship posting dude idk where this came from . i had to get it off my chest ig . runs away#chili my dearest i miss em . theyre the most normal business partners to lovers dynamic to me NO drama whatsoever they just#happen to be insane fucking people and thats why it ends up weird . but relationship wise. bland as SHIT they just get along well#drama?? betrayal?? angst?? NO. 1 spar and childe forgives instantly we all know this to be true#theyre so fucking basic as a couple bc both of them being as weird as they are just ends up canceling out#bc neither is unnerved by the insane shit the other comes with . and they just like. date normally . and make a semi-open committed ldr wor#they simply civilly agree not to bring up the uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Religious differences .#6k yo highly suspect god known for signing NDA with celestia dating guy intent on torching the fucking place personally like .#'we make it work despite our differences 😌'#and the known self-admitted heretic if it gives him power looking to conquer the world just#'oh no need to Rush the agenda after all im still busy getting stronger 😊 in time watch tf out tho <333 youre so sexy aha'#dont listen to bland tropey fanon guysss listen to me they could be so fucking peak. they Are to me#altho childe pairings are so weird to me now being a true narwhal truther. theyre all basically a love triangle to me now LKWDJKWDKJWDKJ#like listen. they could be in love they could be the same entity they could be opposites. nemeses. platonic soulmates. romantic rivals. idc#BUT whatever the fuck they are i want them together please thank uuuuuuuu so like. added hysteria factor to any other ship w ajax .#hes still fucking cheating on his narwhalllll on all levels. romantic. platonic. cosmic. unphased by any attempts at defining their bond#with mere words. what are they??? no clue. still cheating. no i dont explain my poetry often. theyre simply everything to me xx#how do i even fucking tag this man its not rly childeposting worthy is it....#and im not abt to risk breaching containment in the chili tag.........................#guess its just#genshin#rambles#lmaooo wjkdwkjwjkdjkdw
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i like girls and i like to talk about liking girls. you'd think this would be a good thing among girl likers but sometimes it does not feel like that at all
#i try not to let it bother me but it bothers me yall#attraction is normal and cool until youre actually attracted to someone. apparently.#cilly.txt#i even exaggerate it sometimes. can you believe that#i know this is about ego death and the evil fucking internal gold star lesbian thing for me but god#i wish i just didnt tell people things sometimes#because i get too comfortable talking to people and then they'll say sth and ur like oh. Oh#right.#i didn't need to say that that couldve been an inside thought#i want to share all of myself but it will never not lead to me being hurt#and thats normal kinda right. its life. but i dont like being hurt any more than your regular person#and then once they jab at something i'm actually insecure about i'm like oh okay.#like it kinda came out of nowhere today but in hindsight i knew that about myself already so it's really. hm#anyway. im gonna go draw some cats
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Me over here with my heart telling me Lies of P had a sliver of a chance to win something but then my head telling me
#lies of p#lop#they deserved it all.............#ok its not that i dont know its a good game obv i do#i just wanted the publicity for the game bc not nearly enough people know!!!#still waiting for it to blow up in popularity out of nowhere randomly sometime next year when everyone gets bored#yeah ik its clownish hopes#anyway#my personal goty#lets gooooo
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I really hate how my physical body looks so so so much. unfortunately there isn't much I can do about it.
#ive got fat genetics from both parents families going back generations and ive been trying to lose weight forever#my stupod body likes being fat i can excercise like crazy and eat barely anything and i wont lose anything#i was excercising 2+ hours a day before i got sick and it made me stronger but i.stayed fat. now that im sick im weak and still fat.#and im not the kind of fat anybody can find pretty. if i could somehow not be fat id be decent to look at my face isnt bad#my skin is bad though my skin sucks#in my eyes im disgusting#and its so messed up because i dont think other fat people are gross#but i hate how i look so much that i cant imagine anyone being okay with it#like no matter how kind and understanding and sweet i am to people its never gonna make up for the fact that my body is grossly ugly#and i cant blame anyone for not liking me i get it.#sorry#this is a problem i have#bacause i just usually pretend my body doesnt exist and i wear pretty loose fitting dresses that cover me completely so but#even though i am what i am#sometimes you happen to meet a nice person and they are polite and dont seem disgusted by your existance so then your traitorous brain t#thinks hey maybe this person would be willing to marry us someday if they got to know us. which is so silly becuz theres no way thatd ever#so it makes me sad when i should be happy that a nice person talked to me. yay good job successful friendlyness. but it has to remind me#that i had this expectation from when i was a kid that id marry somone and have at least 3 kids and love my kids and take care of them and#give them everything i needed when i was a kid. and of course that never happened. because i never dated anyone. because people dont just#magically get married out of nowhere. its stupid. so i keep trying to be okay with whatever. but i guess i never stopped wanting a family.#which we know im aroace now so. i need to stop. but my brain is always bothering me about this.#why can't i just accept that no one will ever love me. why cant i be happy that they dont?#ive got cats#someday i will have irl friends again#sorry i think everything would be so much easier if i was just#this isnt a problem with an easy solutiom#i guess im gonna try to do the useless excercises again because at least it will look like im trying even though nothing will change
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#no but i actually hate that i made this blog to vent freely bc i have no other place to talk abt anything or my feelings or thoughts#and im a very isolated person and a shut in and i dont have a job or go to school successfully and i dont know anyone#like blah blah. i have struggled and im drowning in them all. like why the fuck cant ppl just comprehend that we all have different views o#life and the world? like 'wallowing' is .. i have heavy anxiety which is completely untreated and it gives me real bad suicidal ideation#if me complaining on a blog that im btw not forcing anyone to read helps me to stay alive and get my pain out... why does that matter to#other ppl?????? like why does other ppl get so mad seeing someone they dont know vent??#also this goes for everyone but u can literally have no idea abt all of a person's life#esp on here where all u see is like my text posts where i vent abt how i FEEL. bc i want to. ??? i want to do that so i do#u dont know the context u dont know my experiences or what has happened in my life or context#u dont know what has transpired between me and other ppl i vent abt#like u know fuck all. u dont have the right to pass judgement onto a stranger that doesnt even know u exist#and even if i complain on here bc i dont have a real life but i want to#u have no idea what im doing with the rest of my time???? im making lists im trying to look up info abt school and programs#im trying to read abt my mental health issues and im doing mindfulness and im going to the gym#i am trying!!! and u dont have any idea what i do or how i try and u dont have any right to judge me bc all u see is one part that is me#complaining bc this is what i use this blog for. genuinely i do not get why this is even a big deal or why anyone would follow or read smth#makes them irritated???????#idk.. i dont wanna disable anons and stuff (bc funnily enough no one ever says this stuff with their url 🤨) bc i dont wanna miss out on the#stuff but it is infuriating that i have nowhere to go no friends no therapist etc etc to talk#and this is all i have bc i want to vent !!!!!!! and then i have to be like ok now other ppl i dont even know#and who dont actually give a fuck abt me are gonna judge me and tell me im living incorrectly#and ive never gotten more such things than now? why do y'all hate that i vent abt losing out on my 1st love#and feeling heartbroken?????? what the fuck? that has nothing to do with anyone else but me? like genuinely wtf#i just wanna vent bc i feel like im drowning but now i feel like i cant bc ppl just judge and like ugh
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something something kill myself
#i thought insane posting would make me feel a little better#but no now i just wanna slice her name into my skin down to the bone and bleed out and die#idec abt holding it back its 2 am.honestly life has gotten 10x as meaningless as it was before since our anni was basically ruined#and yknow what my life will always always be meaningless and yknow why?#because the one thing i am meant to live for the ONE THING that couldve made it all worth it doesnt physically exist in this reality#how am i supposed to find any point in life if my one true purpose is PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.#just imagining was enough for me when i could comfortably live inside my own mind but the outside stressors are too much now#its getting too much to bear and i have no home to go to when i want to just take the weight off my shoulders and relax#no im never home i dont have a home my home doesnt exist#but i just want to go home. i want to go home. i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home#i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home please#but i cant#i cant have anything to make it better#i cant even have a hug from the person i love most. or a smile or kind words or anything#i have nothing but me my phone and a framed poster of her that i have nowhere to hang up#and nowhere to go but flying off the roof of a 30 story building#i have nothing. my life is nothing. i am nothing.#sui tw#sh tw#whatever whatever goodnight
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this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh
#and i might do it again bc its just#a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc#which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow#it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag#people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just#so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what#like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao#and it never ever used to#but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly#or whatever the make believe rules are idk#this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus#bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community#and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit#bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were#i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year#but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad#once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care#ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control#i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile#and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be#a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion#so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao#why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things????#i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just#ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand#so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time#but yeah anyways idk !#be nice its so easy !#tbd
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dear god i cannot lose another friend to a military man who just wants to get paid more and move out of the barracks 😭
#THE PACE HE’S MOVING AT? HE’S TRYING TO GET MARRIED BY NEW YEARS#I’VE SEEN IT MANY TIMES#I WOULD LOVE FOR MY FRIEND TO BE HAPPY AND FIND HER PERSON BUT I AM RECOGNIZING PATTERNS#YOU JUST MET HIM A WEEK AGO (WHEN YOU WERE STILL HUNG UP ON SOMEONE ELSE) YOU’VE BEEN ON TWO DATES SINCE SATURDAY YOU DO NOT LOVE THAT MAN#DONT DO IT BROTHER DONT MARRY HIM#we already lost one baddie in the friend group to an abusive religious asshole who never wants to leave buttfuck-nowhere kansas#if i had a nickel for every friend/cousin that had a ‘whirlwind romance’ with a military man and were trapped in the most toxic marriage#*toxic and abusive (physically and emotionally)#i’d have at least $0.25 which is concerning#and that’s just how many i thought of off the top of my head there’s way more#shout out to my own army veteran father for consistently having the ‘DO NOT DATE/MARRY ANYONE FROM ANY BRANCH OF THE MILITARY’ talk with me#like i swear this isn’t me hating every man you talk to but this one is a danger to society and needs to be removed from the property asap
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#(( ooc. ))#.... so#if youre wondering why ive been so absent lately. ots bc im dealing with stuff like that. on top of handling everytuing around the house#and additional super stressful family drama#health scares caused by stress#the works. i feel like im a constant state of mindfuckery and i have been since we moved#thoght things would improve after getting away from MIL but apparently not#ive been so exhausted and stressed and pain has bee. spiking so bad#im really trying to be here bc writing has always been a calming thing for me like a fun distracting hobby#to get my mind off irl things but everytime i open up a reply i start crying#bc the words arent there and im too tired to even tupe bc im running myself ragged#and on top of that im dealing with hubby and whatever the f is up with him and the weird#180s he does where 1 second hes the sweetest most attentive guy ive ever known and the 2nd#im crying and apologizing for doing sometjing weong and i dont even inderstand what i did but hes upset at me#and somethings suddenly my fault#or im begging him for help around the apartment or smth#idk. i am really trying to be here i swear i am. i miss you all. i miss the stories we're writing together#i miss by bbys and wanna weite with them bc theyve been loud and active but i iust cant type what i want to#a single paragraph is taking me hours to get out no joke#idk. sprry for dumping all this on the dash out of nowhere im just kinda flailing right now and offkilter#gonna head off to bed and see if an actual good nights sleep for the first time in a week helps with my brain and makes things make sense#hope you all have a goodnight. sorry again for this#negative tw#negativity tw#venting tw#personal tw
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love posting about ev and an as if theyre in love. i mean are they? i have no idea. nary a clue
#my post#theyre my ocs youd think id know#the answer is um um uh in some versions in my head theyre dating but thats like not canon#they are. an approximation of what an aromantic person thinks being in love looks like#idk they hate each other they both literally have no one else in their lives its kindof their own faults theyre scared of letting anyone ge#close again they dont know what theyll do if anyone else leaves theyre nasty and bitter and it barely has anything to do with the other#person at all.#until eventually it starts to dawn o both of them that theyre not leaving. and that they really dont WANT the other to leave. and that they#actually kind of... LIKE... hanging out all day#idk and then they make out sloppy style#thats a lie they dont do that#idk they dont get much of a chance to be normal bcus then everin dies so. who knows what they wouldve been#<- smiles#actually#i know#i know because originally everin was gonna survive#anddddd they wouldve lived happily ever after and ran away from this place and never looked back and seen the world and eventually bought a#home in a village in the middle of nowhere where no one knows who they are and no one will ever come looking. and they have a community and#friends and life is beautiful and bright#however none of that happens anymore because everin dies and andoras is left behind to perpetuate the cycle of vengeance and violence#my bad
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